# How to you cope with being treated poorly?



## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

There are a lot of nice, down-to-earth people on this forum and I'm hoping some of you might be able to give me some good advice.

I need to learn how to not take it personally when somebody treats me badly at work. Some people are able to let things like that roll off of them like water off of a duck's back and I wonder - what's going on in the minds of those people?

I have to learn to put up with it. I don't have the option of quitting or even switching departments right now. I would give just about anything to not have to be a nurse anymore - especially working for my boss - but I've been trying to find something else to do for years now, and it's just not happening.

My boss is such a jerk. He's so unbelievably condescending. There are so many people working in my department who are very smart and used to be caring and try hard at work and now they just do the bare minimum they have to do to get by. When I first started working there, I didn't understand it at all. Now I get it. No good deed goes unpunished. Any time one of us does an excellent job on something, he searches for something small we did wrong and pulls us into his office to chew us out for that. He has not once ever said "great job on ______, keep up the good work." We literally get punished if we go above and beyond the call of duty.

The better I do, the more he hates me. I've finally realized it's not me, it's him, but I hate it that he has power over me. There's absolutely nothing I can do about him - I can't change him and there's no getting rid of him, there's no way we can turn him in etc. etc.

He plays games and splits the staff, too - telling one of us one thing and another something else so he can pit people against each other. So it's hard to trust my coworkers sometimes.

On top of the problems with the boss, there are all the problems that come along with being a nurse. It's incredibly degrading at times.

I hate going to work so much. Every day, I dread it. On my days off, I seeth. It consumes me. It gnaws at me day and night and I wake up thinking about it.

We have this wonderful beautiful farm and I only work 4 days a week. I want to enjoy my 3 days off without thinking about work but lately my blood is just boiling all the time. I try to stop thinking about it but I can't.

I'm sure a lot of people here have been treated badly and handle it much better than I do. What do you do? What do you think when it happens? How do you get over it quickly and not let it consume you?


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## Oggie (May 29, 2003)

Those kind of insults will only be like water off a duck's back if you don't get your feathers ruffled.

It's a job, not a calling.


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## Del Gue (Apr 5, 2010)

Sounds like you have an awful job. I'd be actively looking for another. Dealing with that BS every day will eat a hole in your stomach.


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## stormwalker (Oct 27, 2004)

Aren't you Union?
Can't you get together and fight him?
There's nothing better than a good nurse, and nothing worse than a bad one!


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

I've always been a fighter, gone out on a limb a lot. People always look to me to be the one to fight and, honestly, I'm tired of trying to fight him. I just want to learn to accept things. Everybody has to learn how to deal with difficulties in life.

Everybody tells me I'm a good nurse. People come to me when they have questions about their patients' problems. I have always gone to bat for my patients and my ICU/ER experience has saved a few lives on the unit where I'm working because I'm the only person there with such experience. I just really don't like it that they've got rid of the care aides and are getting rid of the LPNS and I spend almost all of my time answering call lights and can't get to my charts. I hate it that something might get missed and, no matter how hard I'm working and how many call lights are going off at once, there's no excuse for missing something. I really hate it when patients are mean and disrespectful. It bothers me a lot.

I see people who handle these types of issues with grace. They work just as hard as I do and take care of the same types of people I do and they're happy. When they can't do everything they don't beat themselves up. I know people who work for jerks and, although they admit their bosses are jerks, they can go on with their daily business without letting it get to them. I want to be one of those people.

I want to see inside the mind of a calm, cool, and collected person and know how you do it!


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## InvalidID (Feb 18, 2011)

How do you deal with....

It's called petty spite. Things like spitting in the bosses coffee, a semi opened can of tuna in his car (hidden really well), urinate in a potted plant in his office repeatedly, call his wife pretending to be his bimbo... Your imagination is the limit.

BTW, I don't condone any of the above. I just encourage it...HAHAHA


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## HTG_zoo (Apr 18, 2011)

I'm having a similar problem, we hired a new person and she degrades me daily, she has yelled at me nearly every day she worked there, sworn at me and called me names. During this time I was having a health crisis (suspected MS) and my co-workers told my boss that I was flying off the handle and yelling at them for incidents that I recall much differently. The boss's solution was to cut my hours back to the point where I couldn't live off those hours. He didn't reduce my work load until after I complained that it was unfair that I am not able to make a living at my job, but I still have to do the whole job. That's about all the support I've gotten from him.

The only person in my work place I can change is me. I HAVE to remain polite, not disagree with or confront my co-worker, no matter how wrong they may be. It doesn't do any good clash with her, and my continued employment is at stake. In order to reduce the number of times each day that I need to count to 10 I do find work away from the source of irritation. When we must work together, kill with kindness.

When I find myself thinking about it, I redirect my thoughts. It does me no good to think about how crappy last week was and how little I look forward to this week. I go to work for a check, not fun. Stewing only makes things worse, so I think about what I'm going to do to preserve my job (which I other wise enjoy for the most part), like ignoring nasty comments etc, then let it go.

It's going to be hard, but it gets easier. Just do it for little bits at a time. Build on that.


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## stormwalker (Oct 27, 2004)

When I was in truly dire straights, I remember one nurse- in the the midst of Bedlam, came and announced that she was going to give me a dry shampoo because she knew it would make me feel so much better. Two days later, she came in for a little talk with me. She told me " If it takes me a little time to answer your call, it's because I have a new patient worse off than you. if you can believe it!"
Some of us are so grateful to you!
A bad nurse and a careless surgeon the week before, just about cost me my life!


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

InvalidID, he must have a lot of people who would do those things to him if they could, because I've never seen him leave his coffee cup laying around LOL. He seems kind of paranoid. He actually accused me of lying a few days ago. Anybody who knows me, knows it's impossible for me to lie. I turn ten shades of red and stutter if I try to lie. I think he thinks everybody is a liar. I wonder if there's a way to play with his paranoia . . . .

HTC zoo how long have you been forcing yourself to remain polite? What do you redirect your thoughs to? 

My mouth is my biggest problem. I just can't keep it shut. When my boss called me a liar the other day I kept my mouth shut about it all shift and then toward the end of the shift I was stressed and just blurted out, to a coworker, how angry I am at him. I know better than that! Everything I say gets back to him so fast that I think there must be a tape recorder around somewhere but can I keep my mouth shut? NO! Everything in my head has to exit my mouth or I think I'm going to explode. It sucks.


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## sunshinytraci (Oct 20, 2007)

I think I would try not to dwell on it too much especially if there is nothing you can do about it presently. Developing a "thick skin" means not taking other people's wacko behavior personally. 

Really, it all comes down to training your thought patterns so repeating a phrase such as "coming here is just a means to support my farm and my family" whenever you are frustrated or hurt may help. 

Also, on your days off, when you think about work, STOP. Go do something else. Think something else. When those thoughts creep in, push them out and replace them with something positive. Positive thinking is more than a cliche; it really does help.

You should also do things to keep your self-esteem high. Become good at something else or a few something elses so less of your self-worth is created by the job you hold. 

Focus on your family/home/farm and not that job.


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## stormwalker (Oct 27, 2004)

Please don't forget us, who love you, and talk about music and babies. So many people came and talked. Jazz, Flamenco,.. their lives!


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

stormwalker said:


> When I was in truly dire straights, I remember one nurse- in the the midst of Bedlam, came and announced that she was going to give me a dry shampoo because she knew it would make me feel so much better. Two days later, she came in for a little talk with me. She told me " If it takes me a little time to answer your call, it's because I have a new patient worse off than you. if you can believe it!"
> Some of us are so grateful to you!
> A bad nurse and a careless surgeon the week before, just about cost me my life!


So the nurse said she was going to wash your hair and didn't come back until two days later? Now - I've taken time to answer call lights before but two days is a little much LOL! Of course, I rarely have time to wash peoples hair. Day shift is the shower & hair-washing shift. My shift is the poop shift - literally. We are responsible for making sure everybody has pooped. It is very fun.


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

fffarmergirl said:


> There are a lot of nice, down-to-earth people on this forum and I'm hoping some of you might be able to give me some good advice.
> 
> I need to learn how to not take it personally when somebody treats me badly at work. Some people are able to let things like that roll off of them like water off of a duck's back and I wonder - what's going on in the minds of those people?
> 
> ...





......................It helps greatly , IF you truly like your job and enjoy going too work ! Maybe your boss is clueless , but anyone who mistreats another person is lowering themselves in the eyes of all other employes , even , IF those emp's don't show it ! I had a boss who was an idiot but she eventually got herself , Fired , and she had no one too blame , but herself . Some how you'll have too develop a thick skin and just develop Tunnel vision and think about how blessed you are too be employed and about the positive aspects of your life . Bad thoughts relative boss wise are only possible because you allow them too creep into your conscious mind , you set the agenda so you're in control too a certain extent ! , fordy


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## stormwalker (Oct 27, 2004)

fffarmergirl said:


> So the nurse said she was going to wash your hair and didn't come back until two days later? Now - I've taken time to answer call lights before but two days is a little much LOL! Of course, I rarely have time to wash peoples hair. Day shift is the shower & hair-washing shift. My shift is the poop shift - literally. We are responsible for making sure everybody has pooped. It is very fun.


She did it- right there and then!
My point was, she took wonderful care of me!


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## Callieslamb (Feb 27, 2007)

The only way I have learned to deal with this kind of thing is to focus on the positives and forget the other. If you know who you are, where you're going and how you're getting there - why you work there/what your focus is - then it's much easier. If you're there for the paycheck - it's tough. 

There are negatives everywhere and in everyone - find the positives and ignore the rest - even in the boss.


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## stormwalker (Oct 27, 2004)

I had an iliostomy- Everyone was on poop-shift! Plus I had a drainage bag!


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## stormwalker (Oct 27, 2004)

I'm going to focus on those good people who helped me get through!!!!


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## gone-a-milkin (Mar 4, 2007)

fffarmergirl, your boss sounds like a classic 'petty tyrant'.

Have you read any Casteneda?
Amazingly, when I googled it the story I was thinking of came right up. 
The interwebs is a mysterious and wonderful place. :teehee:

http://glossary.cassiopaea.com/glossary.php?id=587


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

Been there and done that and in a hospital setting as well.
And I understand when you say it consumes you. I dreaded it when I am heading there, miserable when I was there and thinking about it on the way home.. repeat ad nauseum.

I did speak up, but the supervisor was also cowed by this person and all I did was dig myself a super deep pit of hell. I did not take it to HR, but I could have.

If you want to try to make it stop, you can start kleeping a small notebook in your pocket and write down dates and times and what was said. Every word.
After a few months of that, you can go before HR.
They will probably make you take a meeting with the person etc..
but they will also speak with him about it and mark it in his file.

Or you can try to move on. As a nurse, you should be able to find another job.
Could you switch floors/departments??


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## HTG_zoo (Apr 18, 2011)

I've been doing well at this for 6 months now. I redirect my thoughts to just about anything. I try to think 1 nice thing about every person I interact with (this is hard sometimes!), count... I count a lot... I like to think about the thinks I'm going to do when I get home. Also focus on my tasks, how I could make some things I'm responsible for more effective or what I'd like to do to make tomorrow better (if I get these charts ready now, tomorrow will go better). Really just think about anything other then what's making you upset.

When you have a moment, try to think about WHY you are so upset and how you can change that from within. You don't like to be called a liar, no one does, but you know that you are not lying, and nothing will convince the boss of that right? Are you upset about the futility of it? Then think about things you can influence and how unimportant this is in the very long term. If you're upset that someone of such mentality is positioned above you, think about how little you'd like to work directly for superiors that choose this person to promote!

I dunno, it helps me.


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## stormwalker (Oct 27, 2004)

How about gravely ill people dependent on you?


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

stormwalker said:


> I'm going to focus on those good people who helped me get through!!!!


 Sounds like you were fortunate to have some good people taking care of you - more good than bad, I hope.


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## Jerngen (May 22, 2006)

Please forgive me if this is considered wrong to do, but you posted something in response to someone last month........ and it really struck a chord with me due to something that was going on in my own life. 

I think the answers to your original post in this thread...... may reside in a post you made last month  



fffarmergirl said:


> LOL Have you ever seen the T-shirt that says "This Is Not the Life I Ordered"? Have you ever looked around at all the people who are just going through the motions - unhappy in what they're doing, jaded, cynical . . . . . "settled" but not really settled? If you pay attention you'll see that you are definitely not alone!
> 
> I used to think the world was a carnival and I could write my own tickets - choosing what ride I went on every day for my whole life. Then, one day, I got on a ride and was not allowed to get off! I found myself working as a nurse on a rehab unit. Up until that day, I got every job I ever applied for and changed jobs whenever I got bored. I've done a good job wherever I've worked, had a good attitude, received awards etc. I decided I didn't want to be a nurse anymore - it was demeaning and I deserved more - and I applied for another job,fully expecting to get it. It didn't happen, so I applied for another . . . . and another . . . . . and another. Nothing! Then I decided "Well - I guess I have to be a nurse. But I don't want to work rehab," and tried to go back to my old department. The management had changed & I couldn't go back. I prayed and prayed - every day - "please, God, rescue me from this stupid boring place!" God didn't give me my request! What the heck?! He's always answered all my prayers!
> 
> ...


Words from a very wise woman


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

I worked in a daycare with a boss like that. 
I quit. 

Helpful, eh? 

But, prior, I worked in a restaurant where such a boss was finally fired when he threw a baked potato at another worker. Sounds funny from the outside, but a one pound 400 degree potato would have really hurt her had she not ducked.

When he fired one gal on another shift for not taking his crap, five people walked out. He tried to follow me blustering one day, and I turned to face him and saw my coworker, a man much stronger/younger than he, had stepped in between us and was shooing our boss along. We all banded together and that made all the difference.

If he gets abusive, I would flatly tell him it was unacceptable and he would not speak to me in such a manner. Try to always work with someone.

Now, as far as being the duck. It only works for so long for me, eventually I get fed up and it's either something changes or I get an ulcer.

Sigh.


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## 6e (Sep 10, 2005)

Better than a notepad...if you can, an iPhone on record will catch voices, tones of voice, everything. In the mean time, the way you deal with it is to focus on why you're really there. Whether your boss has any appreciation or not, your calling is to help the people in the hospital. Nothing else really matters. You do your job to the best of your ability, pray and ask God to handle the rest and when he starts running his mouth at you, you really need to focus on his expressions and how much they change and find amusement in it. I know that sounds odd, but it really does help. When I've had a boss like that, I've tuned out everything he was saying and just focused on facial expressions. It truly is amazing the changes a person's face goes through, then walk away humming a catchy tune and forget it. It's all about mind set. There's not special trick. The difference between you and someone that doesn't let it get to them is two things, first of all, the one that doesn't let it get to them is very secure in who they are and their job and so they really don't give a twit what the other person says....as long as what they're saying isn't true. Secondly, they don't walk away dwelling on it, Say your peace if you must, but then forget it.


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## Becka03 (Mar 29, 2009)

Do you have a friend at work? One of my closest friends works with me- we vent to each other- and talk at night if we need to over the phone it helps ALOT!!! Plus- I keep remembering - that this job- as some might see it as a career- I DO NOT- it is a job- I show up- do my work- I get paid!and get to pay my mortgage!


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

gone-a-milkin said:


> fffarmergirl, your boss sounds like a classic 'petty tyrant'.
> 
> Have you read any Casteneda?
> Amazingly, when I googled it the story I was thinking of came right up.
> ...


Thanks for the link! I just read it and I think I'm going to have to get me some of that Casteneda. Right up my alley!



chickenista said:


> Been there and done that and in a hospital setting as well.
> And I understand when you say it consumes you. I dreaded it when I am heading there, miserable when I was there and thinking about it on the way home.. repeat ad nauseum.
> 
> I did speak up, but the supervisor was also cowed by this person and all I did was dig myself a super deep pit of hell. I did not take it to HR, but I could have.
> ...


I know what you're saying about digging yourself a super deep pit of Hell. At the hospital where I work, there is a big time "good ol' boys club" and if you make one mad, you're in trouble. I made a couple of good ol' boys mad. Switching departments would not be a good thing for me until everything has blown over - but nothing is going to blow over if I can't learn to keep my freakin' mouth shut, get a thicker skin, suck it up, and bide my time! I'm vested in the retirement plan and I could find another nursing job if I wanted to but I'm not sure it would be a good idea. 



HTG_zoo said:


> I've been doing well at this for 6 months now. I redirect my thoughts to just about anything. I try to think 1 nice thing about every person I interact with (this is hard sometimes!), count... I count a lot... I like to think about the thinks I'm going to do when I get home. Also focus on my tasks, how I could make some things I'm responsible for more effective or what I'd like to do to make tomorrow better (if I get these charts ready now, tomorrow will go better). Really just think about anything other then what's making you upset.
> 
> When you have a moment, try to think about WHY you are so upset and how you can change that from within. You don't like to be called a liar, no one does, but you know that you are not lying, and nothing will convince the boss of that right? Are you upset about the futility of it? Then think about things you can influence and how unimportant this is in the very long term. If you're upset that someone of such mentality is positioned above you, think about how little you'd like to work directly for superiors that choose this person to promote!
> 
> I dunno, it helps me.


Yes - it's the futiility of it and having somebody with such a mentality positioned above me. Knowing that his superiors are probably just as bad or worse than he is so creepy. 

I know there are lessons to be learned in this. I need to learn to have thicker skin. I'm an adult now and I need to start thinking like one, but I still have this childish view that if I'm a good girl and do what I'm supposed to do people will be nice to me. My brain tells me that's actually not the case, but it feels like a tragic insult every time I see proof of it.

All my life, I wanted to be in the medical field. I got my biology degree and minored in premed - had almost a 4.0 GPA and several research awards etc. I was getting ready to apply to med schools and I had a really good chance of getting in - all book smarts but no common sense (still the case, I'm afraid). Anyway, I met a guy and the rest is history. I followed him where he wanted to go and there wasn't a medical school there so I went back to school to be a nurse. We got divorced and I got remarried but I'm still stuck being a nurse.

I have the brains to do critical care nursing but I'm essentially a nerd. I don't know how to relate to people very well. I was extremely surprised and disappointed when I learned that the medical field is corrupt and the high standards which I imagined existed do not exist at all. I do not want to be in this profession any more, but I can't take a job that pays less until we get our debt paid off. There's nothing else available up here, for a woman my age, that pays this much or more. We love our farm so I'm stuck where I am, working for a stupid jerk and not using my brain at all.

I hate being stuck. It's like being in prison. This is totally not the life I ordered.

Surely I'm not the only one who has found herself, at this age, looking around and saying "what the hell happened??" "Where is the life I thought I was working toward?" "Is this for real?" "Is this really my life?"


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Jerngen said:


> Please forgive me if this is considered wrong to do, but you posted something in response to someone last month........ and it really struck a chord with me due to something that was going on in my own life.
> 
> I think the answers to your original post in this thread...... may reside in a post you made last month
> 
> ...


Wow . . . . I said all those things, eh? I am certainly not feeling it now. Maybe if I wait, I will feel that way again. Thanks for posting it - it made me cry!


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

jen74145 said:


> I worked in a daycare with a boss like that.
> I quit.
> 
> Helpful, eh?
> ...


I WISH I could quit! 



6e said:


> Better than a notepad...if you can, an iPhone on record will catch voices, tones of voice, everything. In the mean time, the way you deal with it is to focus on why you're really there. Whether your boss has any appreciation or not, your calling is to help the people in the hospital. Nothing else really matters. You do your job to the best of your ability, pray and ask God to handle the rest and when he starts running his mouth at you, you really need to focus on his expressions and how much they change and find amusement in it. I know that sounds odd, but it really does help. When I've had a boss like that, I've tuned out everything he was saying and just focused on facial expressions. It truly is amazing the changes a person's face goes through, then walk away humming a catchy tune and forget it. It's all about mind set. There's not special trick. The difference between you and someone that doesn't let it get to them is two things, first of all, the one that doesn't let it get to them is very secure in who they are and their job and so they really don't give a twit what the other person says....as long as what they're saying isn't true. Secondly, they don't walk away dwelling on it, Say your peace if you must, but then forget it.


If I'm going to be putting as much time into something as I put into my work, I do want it to be my calling and not just a job. Helping people is _supposed_ to be a calling! Life would be so much easier if it was possible for me to just look at it as nothing more than a job. I like the facial expression tip - I'll try it. I have a feeling giggling during a butt-chewing wouldn't help the situation.



Becka03 said:


> Do you have a friend at work? One of my closest friends works with me- we vent to each other- and talk at night if we need to over the phone it helps ALOT!!! Plus- I keep remembering - that this job- as some might see it as a career- I DO NOT- it is a job- I show up- do my work- I get paid!and get to pay my mortgage!


My best friend at work is head over heels in love. I can't bring her down with all my complaints! There were a few others I considered friends but honestly - things I say get back to my boss in such a way that I'm not sure who the human tape recorder is and I try not to vent anymroe.


_Talking this over with you all has already been such a help. The last thing on earth I would ever want to be is needy - and yet I need emotional support! I truly appreciate everybody taking the time to talk with me._


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## HTG_zoo (Apr 18, 2011)

You're not stuck! You actively choose to go to a job you hate because it pays the bills! you love your farm, your lifestyle, it comes at a price, but isn't it worth it?

(this is what I keep telling myself)


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> On top of the problems with the boss, there are all the problems that come along with being a nurse. It's incredibly degrading at times.
> 
> I hate going to work so much. Every day, I dread it. On my days off, I seeth. It consumes me. It gnaws at me day and night and I wake up thinking about it.
> 
> We have this wonderful beautiful farm and I only work 4 days a week. I want to enjoy my 3 days off without thinking about work but lately my blood is just boiling all the time. I try to stop thinking about it but I can't.


You know this kind of stress can kill you? Or lead to serious health problems?

My DH did high-stress jobs for years. Lots of office politics. He was addicted to the paycheck, and he wanted to have a good retirement. And he does ... financially, at least ... but he's wracked with health problems, which (IMO) are a direct result of the years of unhappiness he endured.

If you can't get out now, you need to make a plan. Start retraining for another career on the side, or begin sending out resumes and actively seeking another job. Look closely at your finances: how much do you really need to live on? Can you cut expenses and make it on less? If you have debt (mortgage, etc.) can you pay them down aggressively so as to be free and clear sooner? I think you would be greatly relieved to be able to say, "I have to do this for five more years ... but NOT A MOMENT LONGER!"


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## PNWest (Mar 15, 2010)

Get busy with a pro/con list. If that doesn't give you a clue; think of the future. Take your current level of stress and multiply it by however many more years you need to work.

Does that sound like something you want to do?


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## sisterpine (May 9, 2004)

HTG is right about your choosing to go to work each shift. Sometimes acknowledging the choice aspect helps.

I decided that the next time I run into this same situation I am going to say to the person who is making me nuts "I am sorry that you are so miserable, please believe that I am praying for you"

This will of course be true because who would not be praying for a coworker or supervisor who was nasty to start feeling better so they could spread goodness instead of poo.

Besides I felt it would empower me and give me a bit of a giggle at the same time as I acknowledge that no one, I mean no one gets up in the morning planning to tick folks off all day long. sisterpine


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## InvalidID (Feb 18, 2011)

I stand by the urine and tuna methods. A person as high strung as this man sounds will either quit, snap, or end up getting fired... Of course this could be why I have to work for myself...


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## boiledfrog (Jun 2, 2011)

I just installed kitchens, but I kinda know this boss. Pretty sure I worked for him a time or two. I try to think of God as my employer. That makes it my job to provide the best job I can do for the family who will use this kitchen. I see the kitchen as the heartbeat of the home. I do this for free. I get paid for dealing with management.

Maybe when ever you talk about your boss, just always end with "well bless his heart". This can be done with a smile and a condescending glint in your eye..


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## clovis (May 13, 2002)

fffarmergirl said:


> Surely I'm not the only one who has found herself, at this age, looking around and saying "what the hell happened??" "Where is the life I thought I was working toward?" "Is this for real?" "Is this really my life?"


I promise you, this has happened to more people than you could imagine, including me!


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

HTG_zoo said:


> You're not stuck! You actively choose to go to a job you hate because it pays the bills! you love your farm, your lifestyle, it comes at a price, but isn't it worth it?
> 
> (this is what I keep telling myself)



Good advice. Your job gets a lot of your time. Don't allow it to have your sanity, too. (That is easier said than done though, huh?)
I just switched to another school because I needed a change. Can you go anywhere else? Change your shift to when he is not there? Go to another department in the hospital?
I wish you the best of luck in this horrible situation. We would love to keep "work" at work, but sometimes it just stays with us long after we pull out of the parking lot!!!
(((hugs)))


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

If your boss is bad like this, go to HR!


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

fffarmergirl said:


> There are a lot of nice, down-to-earth people on this forum and I'm hoping some of you might be able to give me some good advice.
> 
> I need to learn how to not take it personally when somebody treats me badly at work. Some people are able to let things like that roll off of them like water off of a duck's back and I wonder - what's going on in the minds of those people?
> 
> ...


I am so sorry...
I understand working for someone who is 'a jerk'.
He was the owner, so there was "no one over his head" to go to, to file a complaint.
I worked M-W (cut my hours on purpose) and on M & W he was not there. BUT it was so bad working w him on Tues, I quit. I could not work for him another second. I had a second job, and I am still there today. 
I couldn't stand the tension and nerves that ruined my Sunday's, because I KNEW I had to go to work on Monday.
I couldn't stand the level of anger he stirred up in me.
After 5 years of his lunacy I said "enough".
I LOVED the place I worked at, I LOVED the food, the staff, and the guests....LOVED THEM. I had been there a total of 11 years (6 years with the prior owner, who was AMAZING)....but I had to go.

It was effecting my heath, physically and spiritually, so I had to go.

Maybe someone over his head will hear you? Anonymous?
Are you part of a nurses union?

I am so so sorry....I remember 'those feelings'.....and would not wish them on anyone. I hope this resolves soon!


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## nobrabbit (May 10, 2002)

Just as negativity poisons a group, being positive lifts it up. Way back when I worked in manufacturing we had a supervisor like yours. No one did anything right according to him and he talked about people in his group horribly. HR could care less since being a negative spiteful person was not against the law. 

Somehow, I don't remember how it started, but our group started supporting each other. We gave each other the "thumbs up - good job praise" that we weren't getting from him. When he said gossiped about someone we stood up for them. It didn't take long before he glaringly stood out as the sour puss he was to people outside of our group. Though he never changed 100% he did temper his negativity to a point that was tolerable. 

This was not a coordinated group effort in any way, it's just something that someone started doing, then the next person picked it up and on and on.


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## stormywood (Jul 10, 2009)

In Toxic people I just think to myself, their Karma, not mine! Always makes me feel better.


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## kirkmcquest (Oct 21, 2010)

O.K this is going to be a different type of advice. I have experienced this several times in my working life. I deal with it one way, the only way I know how....it works about 60% of the time and gets you fired the other 40%....which I have always found to be a blessing in disguise ( nothing is worth my being miserable in a long term situation, I only have one life and can't waste time being unhappy);

When a boss gets that way with me, I make it uncomfortable for him to be that way. There's a lot I don't know about life...but one thing I do know for sure is that people will treat you as bad as you allow them to. Also, most people take the path of least resistance. Therefore, most people must be trained to treat you in the way you find acceptable. How do you train anything on earth? Remember Pavlov's dog? When a person acts 'good' they get a treat, when they are 'bad' they get punished. You have to be creative about how you reward and punish, obviously, because you are dealing with your superior at work...and you never want what you're doing to be obvious.

Basically, you need to make those confrontations uncomfortable for him ( without being outwardly insubordinate ). People avoid uncomfortable situations. He's getting something, emotionally, from his behavior so you need to find a way to take that away from him ( when it pertains to you ). He'll choose an easier target.


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## Energy Rebel (Jan 22, 2011)

fffarmergirl said:


> Wow . . . . I said all those things, eh? I am certainly not feeling it now. Maybe if I wait, I will feel that way again. Thanks for posting it - it made me cry!



That was a good post, when I read it, it sounded soooo familiar. I'd print that one out for keeps.




boiledfrog said:


> I just installed kitchens, but I kinda know this boss. Pretty sure I worked for him a time or two. *I try to think of God as my employer.* That makes it my job to provide the best job I can do for the family who will use this kitchen. I see the kitchen as the heartbeat of the home. I do this for free. I get paid for dealing with management.
> 
> Maybe when ever you talk about your boss, just always end with "well bless his heart". This can be done with a smile and a condescending glint in your eye..


Another excellent piece of advice.




nobrabbit said:


> Just as negativity poisons a group, being positive lifts it up. Way back when I worked in manufacturing we had a supervisor like yours. No one did anything right according to him and he talked about people in his group horribly. HR could care less since being a negative spiteful person was not against the law.
> 
> Somehow, I don't remember how it started, but our group started supporting each other. We gave each other the "thumbs up - good job praise" that we weren't getting from him. When he said gossiped about someone we stood up for them. It didn't take long before he glaringly stood out as the sour puss he was to people outside of our group. Though he never changed 100% he did temper his negativity to a point that was tolerable.
> 
> This was not a coordinated group effort in any way, it's just something that someone started doing, then the next person picked it up and on and on.


Never thought of that, but I bet it works great. More good advice.





FFarmergirl,

You personality sounds like mine. I always prided myself in not backing down from a fight and know I've lost more than one job due to my mouth, which is always faster than my brain, lol.
My Achilles heel is my anger. I once took an anger management class, reluctantly.
The one piece of useful advice that I got out of that class has helped me through a lot of the situations you describe, as long as I remember to do it.

It's hard to be angry with someone you feel pity for.

The next time someone makes a condescending, petty remark or does something that tees you off, say to yourself, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not that way. They must really have low self-esteem (or be really ignorant, friendless or whatever fits). Their life must really suck bad for them to act that way. I really feel sorry for them, glad it's not me."

Try it and see.
If you can stop feeling anger and start feeling sorry for *them*, it makes it almost impossible for it to eat at you.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Energy Rebel said:


> Try it and see.
> If you can stop feeling anger and start feeling sorry for *them*, it makes it almost impossible for it to eat at you.


This and a few verses from Romans 18, is what worked with my MIL!!!
I has kept me in 'check' for over 10 years....(and the fact that I do not see her, helps!)

Please don't allow this person to steal your joy, to suck the life out of your body, and to drown your soul.


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## Jennifer L. (May 10, 2002)

You aren't allowing yourself to get along with him. You need to let go of the idea that it's intolerable to be treated by him they way he treats you. You keep thinking "he's not fair, he's not nice, I can't stand him" and all that does is reinforce those facts in your mind. If you keep thinking this way, it will simply get worse for you (and it's bad enough now) and you will have to quit. Willow Girl is 100% spot on about the stress factor: You need the money but you need your health and sanity, too.

Acknowledge to yourself that he's not changing and that nothing you can do will make any difference to him. Once you accept that, you can change your thoughts to more like those of your other co-workers who get along with him, or at least get along on the job.

And I know that's easier said than done, but I don't see any other choice for you right now.

I certainly might think about looking around for other nursing positions in your area, though. Doctor's offices, government positions with the county Public Health system, etc. You might get lucky and be able to leave the hospital.

Good luck with things.

Jennifer


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## stickinthemud (Sep 10, 2003)

Just adding school nurse to Jennifer's list.
And I agree with pity for the miserable experiences in his life that created your boss's attitude: "Love your enemies, it'll drive them crazy."


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## ronbre (Apr 26, 2009)

no matter where you work you'll likely find jerks, the world is just so full of them. However, it isn't up to you to worry about the jerks, just your own life and your own job.

One way to get along with the jerks is to pray for them, really. When you are praying for them it is just so hard to look at them as jerks..as you'll want to see positive changes.

Also try just out of the blue saying something outrageously nice to them to endear them to you..an over the top compliment when they do something out of characterally good for example.


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## FiddleKat (Oct 22, 2004)

InvalidID said:


> How do you deal with....
> 
> It's called petty spite. Things like spitting in the bosses coffee, a semi opened can of tuna in his car (hidden really well), urinate in a potted plant in his office repeatedly, call his wife pretending to be his bimbo... Your imagination is the limit.
> 
> BTW, I don't condone any of the above. I just encourage it...HAHAHA


Don't get mad, get even!!

OP, sounds as if your boss has a stick up his behind.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

The military teaches young recruits to follow the chain of command. If your immediate superior is a problem, you go over his head to his superior. If that doesn't work, go over his head to his superior. I learned this in Air Force basic training as an 18 year old, and seldom had cause to use it over the years, but when some petty king of some petty hill started abusing his subjects, I did just this. It usually gets results. Either the jerk gets his comeupance, or he gets replaced.

Be prepared to give examples. Dates and individuals involved if necessary. Be sure to tell them that all of the nurses are demoralized by this jerk, but you are the one that they look to to do something.


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## the mama (Mar 1, 2006)

Write a 'care plan' for the boss. Establish bounderies of behavior just like with an unruly psych patient. Do Not Be Alone with him in his office. Let him know that you are uncomfortable being 'corrected' with out a witness. Tell him, this behavior is inappropriate and walk away. Be professional. Is he a nurse? If not, tell him that he is interupting patient care. Do you have patients weighted for care levels? If not start this to distribute work load and show need for more help. Be aware that any improvements will probably result with him getting the credit... hey maybe they will promote him away from you. Good luck. Pray him away. OR hex him away, what ever works.


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## Pearl B (Sep 27, 2008)

What Common Tator said.

If he's doing this to the others as well, can you all get together & make a group complaint to HR?


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## Jenn (Nov 9, 2004)

kirkmcquest said:


> When a boss gets that way with me, I make it uncomfortable for him to be that way. There's a lot I don't know about life...but one thing I do know for sure is that people will treat you as bad as you allow them to. Also, most people take the path of least resistance. Therefore, most people must be trained to treat you in the way you find acceptable. How do you train anything on earth? Remember Pavlov's dog? When a person acts 'good' they get a treat, when they are 'bad' they get punished. You have to be creative about how you reward and punish, obviously, because you are dealing with your superior at work...and you never want what you're doing to be obvious.
> 
> Basically, you need to make those confrontations uncomfortable for him ( without being outwardly insubordinate ). People avoid uncomfortable situations. He's getting something, emotionally, from his behavior so you need to find a way to take that away from him ( when it pertains to you ). He'll choose an easier target.


How do we do this? My husband is a master at something similar- whenever someone brings him work he makes sure they also have to do more work because of the request.



Energy Rebel said:


> It's hard to be angry with someone you feel pity for.
> 
> The next time someone makes a condescending, petty remark or does something that tees you off, say to yourself, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not that way. They must really have low self-esteem (or be really ignorant, friendless or whatever fits). Their life must really suck bad for them to act that way. I really feel sorry for them, glad it's not me."
> 
> ...





ronbre said:


> One way to get along with the jerks is to pray for them, really. When you are praying for them it is just so hard to look at them as jerks..as you'll want to see positive changes.


I also have anger management issues and try to use these two methods to get a feeling of superiority to the poor jerk, and to feel above it all.

It also helps me to know when I can stop at that job- find out when you are vested in the retirement plan etc etc so you can say "only 37 months to go" etc.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

We had a really bad manager who decimated the area IMO and nobody cared.She was the management BIGSHOT,we were the lowly Nurses.Who do you think management listened to?

Management 101
1-Management is ALWAYS right
2- When management is wrong,see rule #1

I transferred to a different area after she went after me and she was a non issue for me from that point forward.When the area in question no longer functioned for lack of staff they finally realized she was a problem and she is no longer there.She is gone,I survived her purge of ?

Get a transfer,I found I actually LIKE being on the floor i went to,very nice change overall.You dont have to quit,just slide sideways out of the line of fire.

Sometimes the fight is the WRONG answer and a strategic deflection is the better plan.Their chickens WILL come home to roost and you wont even be in the picture.

Back to my major rant on the other thread,you do NOT have to take abuse,and never should.And sometimes retreat is indeed the key to victory.

Go where you ARE appreciated and dont let the turkey's destroy you.

I think for the OP NOTHING is going to get better,guy came with and always will have issues,and if he intends to destroy her,he will,my former boss destroyed many,and a boss at another place,also total whack job,we left and moved on as I didnt really care for the place anyhow...he got fired. 

Something a great Boss told me "If management cant find a reason to fire you they arent doing their jobs" If the boss is evil this doesnt bode well for you.

She MUST move out of his grasp.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Trinity3 said:


> What Common Tator said.
> 
> If he's doing this to the others as well, can you all get together & make a group complaint to HR?


HR is all "good-ol-boyed up". 



Jenn said:


> How do we do this? My husband is a master at something similar- whenever someone brings him work he makes sure they also have to do more work because of the request.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

fffarmergirl said:


> I did say, "Well bless your heart!" to him the other day. LOL. Maybe next time I get a chance I'll say "I'm praying for you." I have prayed for him a little. Maybe I should do more of it - but what should I pray for?


In my experience with bad bosses and other annoying relationships, I was advised to pray for the other person's needs. God knows what your boss needs, where he needs healing. So you can pray for whatever he needs, for his highest good. Sometimes it has been so hard to pray for that type of person that keeping it simple was really helpful . But it always, always helps.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

Do this. Do it right now, and do it whenever you feel the rage building up:

With right hand, put your index finger at the outside of your left eye. Touching skin, drag your finger from the eye to the ear, down the head behind the hear. Then, down the neck to the shoulder, across the back of the shoulder to the arm. Down the arm to the elbow. From the elbow to the wrist, then to the ring finger. To the tip of the ring finger. Do this three times. Repeat on the other side. 

Keep doing a good job. When you get called on the carpet by the boss, keep your sunshine face on. Remember, he is miserable all day long, and you have a farm. He is miserable all day long and he is jealous of you. He is miserable all day long and you just made someone's life better. Thank him for pointing out your error. Thank him again.


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## NostalgicGranny (Aug 22, 2007)

fffarmergirl said:


> I do have to kind of feel sorry for him. I heard a rumor that the reason he is the way he is, is that his mother was absolutely over-the-top crazy. Like - borderline personality disorder and something else. She was extremely manipulative. He's paranoid all the time and on edge, and thinks everybody is out to get him. If you pay him a compliment, he looks at you all suspicious like "what are you up to?"
> 
> My biggest problem is that MY mother was exactly like I've heard his mother described and I spent my life trying to make a crazy person accept me.
> hu


YOUR mother was like his mother???? Tell him!!! Maybe he just needs to know he isn't the only one out there. 

Any relationship you have you need to reach them on their level. You've been there, so you understand some of the crapola he is/has gone through. 

Next time he reams you out find a way to bring it up without telling him you and he had the same type of mother. Bring it to a personal level something you two can relate on. Just like if you were in a job interview with someone. You see a picture with a golf cart - your daddy golfs or your BIL does. A pic of his wife by her garden - you garden. A book you've read - well you get the picture. Perhaps God put you there to help him. I know it may seem impossible right now, but you never know what will happen if you can find a way to reach him. And you have got one with your mother and his.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

Prayer might bring you some comfort,praying for the devil.......doesnt change things Im afraid

A whack job is a whack job,for some reason its who they are.

I still say get away.This is starting to sound like battered women syndrome from some here.


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## Stann (Jan 2, 2005)

You're a Prisoner of War (POW). Your boss is the enemy, keeping you hostage. Every day, plan your escape. But, never do anything wrong because you are right.

Your calling as a nurse is a noble profession. See it for what it really is.

You will prevail.


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## Haven (Aug 16, 2010)

This is why I chose a career working with animals. The sad fact is that people are driven by Ego and love to play games; I don't think you can ever escape that fact, as long as you have to work with other people.

All you can do is focus on bettering yourself as much as possible and hope it has some residual affect on the a-holes around you.


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## mekasmom (Jan 19, 2010)

I'm extra nice to anyone who is like that. They obviously have mental issues if they need to act that way. They deserve sympathy. Their behavior means nothing. It's just noise, smoke and mirrors. You are polite, say "yes, sir" then ignore them. Why should you let someone who is obviously mentally ill in some way bother you? They shouldn't have the ability to affect your peace. That poor man needs to put others down to feel important. He has a great insecurity in his own ability and talents. Pity him.


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## mekasmom (Jan 19, 2010)

Another thought too is that you might choose to wear some lavendar oil or vanilla bean oil on your shoes, clothing, even skin. Just douse yourself in it. If he approaches you, the essential oils will help to calm him. If you could get away with it, put out a diffuser at work with lavender in it too. He needs something to calm his moods and mental issues.

Plus if you have the oils on you, it will keep you calm and focused when he has his mental/emotional breaks like that.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

fffarmergirl said:


> Maybe next time I get a chance I'll say "I'm praying for you." I have prayed for him a little. Maybe I should do more of it - but what should I pray for?


Early retirement?

Mon


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

I think most people just want to know that they are being heard. So make sure your boss knows you hear him. There are many phrases that are generic enough to accomplish this. Things like "I see where you are coming from..." "So what you are saying is_________" "You would like me to do ____________" Say things like - I understand, I see your point, I am willing to try that, etc... 

He may never be a great boss, but the very best thing to do with an enemy is turn them into a friend...


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## sbanks (Dec 19, 2010)

Have you tried prayer? Pray for him and his personal life. Something is wrong some where in your bosses life and he needs divine assistance.


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## starjj (May 2, 2005)

Yeah I would like to know HOW you get comments to roll off your back also lol. Like last week I went to a department to clean and one of the people screamed THIS IS A BUSY TIME. I mean she could have said can you please come back later. I really take this stuff personally also. Lots of people at work just walk by you and when you say Good Morning they just ignore you. Wish I WAS the type that could just ignore rudeness but I can't.


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

I would like to add one thing. In the case of patients in a hospital, you may want to keep in mind that they are sick and most likely scared. I only lost my temper once with a hospital employee and that was an orderly who transported me from MRI back to my room. I had just had surgery and was in pain. He was "speeding" and not paying attention, bumping into walls and corners. I was so upset (it was very painful) that if I could have I would have walked the rest of the way.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Just reading this thread and hearing what everybody has had to say has been so helpful - and there's so much good advice here that I think I will keep coming back to it and re-reading it. 

Today, I think I will splash a little vanilla extract on (don't have any vanilla oil) and use some lavendar oil, which I do have. I will do the "What you're saying is ______ and what you would like me to do is _______" thing - repeating back what he says but not giving any opinions or suggestions of my own. I will not speak to him in private at all any more. I will always have a witness. If he wants to counsel me, I will insist on bringing my union rep. I also decided to start attending all the union meetings - if he doesn't schedule me to work during the meetings.

Every day I will try an additional suggestion until I find out what works with him. If nothing works at least I have my own integrity because I know I honestly tried.

I prayed for him too. I don't know if that cancels out the hex I'd already put on him, though . . . . 

I never make it to our unit meetings because he always schedules them on my day off (although he made it one of my "goals" in my annual review that I have to attend all of the unit meetings). I live 67 miles from work and I don't want to drive in for the meetings on my days off. Yesterday I found out that, at the last unit meeting, he said somebody had stolen money from him. According to him, while he was on bereavement leave last week because his grandmother died, somebody went into his office and stole a "significant amount" of money belonging to our unit. He was angry and accusatory. The only person on our unit with a key to his office is our unit clerk, his partner in crime, whom he allows to set all the rules and tyranize the nurses. Other than her, only the hospital supervisors have keys. I don't think housekeeping can even get in there. His office door is in direct view of the nurses desk, so nobody could have snuck in there unless they had a key and were able to get in very quickly. Why would he keep money in his office, anyway? I would think unit money would be in an account - not kept as cash in his office. 

There are several theories but the one that keeps coming up is that nobody stole any money from him. Either there was no money to begin with or he took it, himself. Of course the unit clerk is suspect as well, but our boss is pointing his fingers at the nurses. Give us a break, already.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Dutchie, I am very sorry that happened to you. It is scary to be in pain and dependant on people who aren't being careful and don't care. 

Of course people in your situation will be sick and scared. 

There's a difference between a sick and scared patient and an abusive one. Think about the abusive people you meet in your every day life. Think of some of the people who have been abusive to you - people who tailgate you, people who shout at you and ignore you, people who think you're nothing and treat you like dirt, maybe a teacher or an adult who pulled your ear and threw you in a corner because of some perceived wrong you had committed. Now, picture how those same people would behave toward you if they had a magic button they could push to make you do anything they said you had to do. Those people often put themselves in the position of being the holders of the magic buttons.


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## Mid Tn Mama (May 11, 2002)

One thing I have done when I had a boss who was cruel was to post a picture of my financial goal (a picture of a barn--future farm)in my cubicle. I also told myself ," At least I have a happy and peaceful home to go home to--think about how awful it would be to be MARRIED to that jerk!"


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## Mid Tn Mama (May 11, 2002)

Another thing: I would document the things that are easily proven to be harrassment and this is definately one:
--That you must attend all of the unit meetings on your day off when you live 67 miles from work.

You are not an indentured servant and this definately isn't a smart administrator to be treating employees this way.

I'll agree with what someone wrote before, unless he screws up in a way that involves $$$ (and this last example may be one), upper management usually doesn't care.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Mid Tn Mama said:


> One thing I have done when I had a boss who was cruel was to post a picture of my financial goal (a picture of a barn--future farm)in my cubicle. I also told myself ," At least I have a happy and peaceful home to go home to--think about how awful it would be to be MARRIED to that jerk!"


Oh - I KNOW! His teen daughter comes in once in a while and you can tell the poor kid's afraid of him. She does not show any sign of teenage attitude. She doesn't so much as open her mouth. If anybody says anything to her she just looks at him and doesn't answer. I wonder how abusive he is at home.

Another of the goals was that I not generate any patient complaints. Then he goes and tells me I have to enforce visiting restrictions. EXCUSE ME! That is the fastest way to generate patient complaints! I told him that and he said "I won't dock you for enforcing visiting restrictions," and I answered "but when I enforce the restrictions, they get mad at me and remember me and complain about other things later. It puts me on their bad side," but he blew me off. If I'm not allowed to have any patient complaints, then *HE* should be the one enforcing hospital rules with the patients, not me!


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

fffarmergirl said:


> - especially working for my boss -


I think I have isolated your basic issue. bosses are like that so what I did was become my own boss. I simply refuse to accept poor treatment from anyone!


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## shannsmom (Jul 28, 2009)

I recently got laid off from a job by a boss like that, she laid off 1/4 of the dept (nurses and clerical) in one day! Now, this may sound silly to some, but what I did as I put up with her crap was to pay off all bills I could instead of buying pampering treats for myself, and when I was particularly frustrated at work, I would calculate how much money I had made so far that day and think of what I could do with that for my family. That made my mind remember that it was just a job, not my life, and that I was making a choice to stay there and keep making money. That would help me get through the rest of that day. Unfortunately, I would rather do almost anything other than get another job in nursing now, but maybe that will change. It's been 4 months and I still have horrible dreams about her and her henchmen and am still dealing with the health ramifications of the stress. This too shall pass.


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## linn (Jul 19, 2005)

fffarmergirl said:


> There are a lot of nice, down-to-earth people on this forum and I'm hoping some of you might be able to give me some good advice.
> 
> I need to learn how to not take it personally when somebody treats me badly at work. Some people are able to let things like that roll off of them like water off of a duck's back and I wonder - what's going on in the minds of those people?
> 
> ...


I was in a similar situation when I worked as a school librarian. Our principal did yearly evaluations. I got along with her until about four years until I was ready to retire, then she knitpicked every little thing I did. She had me convinced that everyone there disliked me. She had me in tears during one session and after that I cried myself to sleep for two weeks. I stuck with it, because I had four more years until I could retire and draw my pension. I tried to treat everyone well in spite of what she said. Lo and behold, I started finding out that I wasn't the only one that was getting the treatment. Several others were in the same situation. It seemed like two or three a year would get "the treatment." We started comparing notes and formed our own informal support group. In the end, she got more than she bargained for because she lost several good empolyees and when a new school was being built she asked me to stay on for a couple more years, Ha, what she wanted was for me to move that library. I told her no thanks, I would be retiring. Give it time, what goes around, comes around.:rainprf:


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

mekasmom said:


> Another thought too is that you might choose to wear some lavendar oil or vanilla bean oil on your shoes, clothing, even skin. Just douse yourself in it. If he approaches you, the essential oils will help to calm him. If you could get away with it, put out a diffuser at work with lavender in it too. He needs something to calm his moods and mental issues.
> 
> Plus if you have the oils on you, it will keep you calm and focused when he has his mental/emotional breaks like that.


I wonder if an essential oil diffuser and some lavendar and vanilla essential oils might make a good Boss's Day present - LOL (like I would ever consider giving him a gift). I'm going to drench myself in it before work today!



Yvonne's hubby said:


> I think I have isolated your basic issue. bosses are like that so what I did was become my own boss. I simply refuse to accept poor treatment from anyone!


I want to be my own boss!!! PPLLEEAASSEE?!



shannsmom said:


> I recently got laid off from a job by a boss like that, she laid off 1/4 of the dept (nurses and clerical) in one day! Now, this may sound silly to some, but what I did as I put up with her crap was to pay off all bills I could instead of buying pampering treats for myself, and when I was particularly frustrated at work, I would calculate how much money I had made so far that day and think of what I could do with that for my family. That made my mind remember that it was just a job, not my life, and that I was making a choice to stay there and keep making money. That would help me get through the rest of that day. Unfortunately, I would rather do almost anything other than get another job in nursing now, but maybe that will change. It's been 4 months and I still have horrible dreams about her and her henchmen and am still dealing with the health ramifications of the stress. This too shall pass.


Thank you for telling me about this - it helps so much to know I'm not the only person feeling this way. How are you doing since you got laid off? Did you find another job? I'm thinking of maybe a nice job in a hardware store or grocery store . . . . . or maybe finding something where I don't have to deal with people at all.



linn said:


> I was in a similar situation when I worked as a school librarian. Our principal did yearly evaluations. I got along with her until about four years until I was ready to retire, then she knitpicked every little thing I did. She had me convinced that everyone there disliked me. She had me in tears during one session and after that I cried myself to sleep for two weeks. I stuck with it, because I had four more years until I could retire and draw my pension. I tried to treat everyone well in spite of what she said. Lo and behold, I started finding out that I wasn't the only one that was getting the treatment. Several others were in the same situation. It seemed like two or three a year would get "the treatment." We started comparing notes and formed our own informal support group. In the end, she got more than she bargained for because she lost several good empolyees and when a new school was being built she asked me to stay on for a couple more years, Ha, what she wanted was for me to move that library. I told her no thanks, I would be retiring. Give it time, what goes around, comes around.:rainprf:


 How awful that the most peaceful-sounding job on earth became stressful! That is just wrong. Karma came to the rescue, though! It must feel sooooooo good.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

fffarmergirl said:


> I want to be my own boss!!! PPLLEEAASSEE?!


so you have some skills and background in the medical field and I presume you have basic household skills as well. Cooking, cleaning, keeping the pantry filled, laundry and such. I am sure there are people in your area that could use some or all of those skills. My dear old dad has gone well beyond being able to take care of himself or the house and pays roughly 25 bucks an hour for adult day care. basically someone with your skill set (or less) comes out to the house and stays with him, prepares his meals (and helps to consume them) makes sure he gets his meds on time, does his shopping, keeps the house clean and is there in case he needs someone to dial 911 if he needs medical assistance. A person with your talents could turn this situation into a very stress free job with minimal start up costs. basically being able to get to "work" on a regular basis.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

I've been studying up on communication skills. I've been paying particular attention to those communication skills that my boss regularly uses and I believe I will honor him by following his example.

I have been practicing, in my head, how i'm going to react to him when I have to see him today. This will be very much fun because I am usually very forthright and this will be a complete change of pace.

My shift starts right when his is ending and he's usually in a hurry to bully us and leave. Hopefully he will just ignore me but if he says "Fffarmergirl, may I speak to you in my office please?" I will respond "It sounds like you would like to speak to me in your office, Sir. I will phone my union rep and be in your office as soon as she arrives." I will say this slowly, as the scent of lavendar and vanilla engulfs and entrances him. If he wishes to speak to me he will have to wait perhaps an hour.

I wasn't at the meeting for the "stolen $" interrogation so if he asks "Fffarmergirl, were you working on any of the four days I was gone for bereavement?" I will answer "You wish to know if I was working on any of the days you were gone. I believe, if you consult the work schedule and compare it to your personal calendar, you will be able to ascertain whether or not I was working on any of those four days." 

"Fffarmergirl, are you aware that money came up missing from my office?" 

"Are you asking if I have personal knowledge of money that was stolen, or are you asking if I have heard it said that money was stolen?" 

Red in the face boss will barely contain his anger as he repeats his question word for word (because that's how he is). "I said 'are you aware that money came up missing from my office."

"No, sir, I am not aware of that."

"So what you are telling me is that you have not heard anything about the money that was stolen."

"You are now asking me if I have _heard_ that there was money stolen from your office. I did hear that you stated to others that money was stolen from your office."

"And who did you hear that from?"

"You are asking me to discuss a person who is not here right now. I have made it a new personal policy not to discuss other people when they are not present. Would you like me to contact that person and see if they can attend this meeting?"

How am I doing, so far?


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

Oh my, maybe you should be a lawyer!!! I am literally lol.


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

fffarmergirl said:


> I've been studying up on communication skills. I've been paying particular attention to those communication skills that my boss regularly uses and I believe I will honor him by following his example.
> 
> I have been practicing, in my head, how i'm going to react to him when I have to see him today. This will be very much fun because I am usually very forthright and this will be a complete change of pace.
> 
> ...


:goodjob::goodjob:


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## shannsmom (Jul 28, 2009)

fffarmergirl, I have not found another job, but am hanging in there. Thank you for asking. I received a nice severance package, so used some of that money to help DH start a little home business he's been wanting to do, and it has done better than I expected (I gotta learn to have faith!). I am thinking like you, though, when I do get another job, a grocery store or feed store sounds good lol! My current dilemma is that I am due to renew my license in a month and hate to pay that money, but I think I will so I can at least do temp work if we need extra money. I had been in that department for 10 years so still have moments of "what do I do now" but also have moments of being so happy I am outta there! I hate change so would never have left on my own. The paying off of the bills and saving money was a huge help in the long run, too.
Things will work out for you, one way or another. You seem to have a good heart and to be a wise woman, so as long as you are doing the best you know you can, good things will come your way. Sometimes it's just really hard to wait, though!


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> so you have some skills and background in the medical field and I presume you have basic household skills as well. Cooking, cleaning, keeping the pantry filled, laundry and such. I am sure there are people in your area that could use some or all of those skills. My dear old dad has gone well beyond being able to take care of himself or the house and pays roughly 25 bucks an hour for adult day care. basically someone with your skill set (or less) comes out to the house and stays with him, prepares his meals (and helps to consume them) makes sure he gets his meds on time, does his shopping, keeps the house clean and is there in case he needs someone to dial 911 if he needs medical assistance. A person with your talents could turn this situation into a very stress free job with minimal start up costs. basically being able to get to "work" on a regular basis.


I've thought about doing that but I didn't think anybody would pay much for it - from what you are saying, maybe there is hope! That would be a great job unless I got hired by a Needy Princess - in which case I would be my own boss and I could just quit.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

shannsmom said:


> fffarmergirl, I have not found another job, but am hanging in there. Thank you for asking. I received a nice severance package, so used some of that money to help DH start a little home business he's been wanting to do, and it has done better than I expected (I gotta learn to have faith!). I am thinking like you, though, when I do get another job, a grocery store or feed store sounds good lol! My current dilemma is that I am due to renew my license in a month and hate to pay that money, but I think I will so I can at least do temp work if we need extra money. I had been in that department for 10 years so still have moments of "what do I do now" but also have moments of being so happy I am outta there! I hate change so would never have left on my own. The paying off of the bills and saving money was a huge help in the long run, too.
> Things will work out for you, one way or another. You seem to have a good heart and to be a wise woman, so as long as you are doing the best you know you can, good things will come your way. Sometimes it's just really hard to wait, though!


Shannsmom, I think it would definitely be a good idea to keep your license after all the trouble and expense you went through to get your education. Of course, when you're not working, the cost of renewing every year is probably a bigger deal!

It's nice that you got layed off because you got a severance package that way. Also, you can qualify for unemployment if you're layed off, right? Maybe I will volunteer if they have a round of layoffs at my work. They have been getting rid of people mostly through offering earlyl retirement and increasing the education requirements. They got rid of most of our social workers by passing a rule that they all had to have masters degrees to work there - ridiculous considering the pittance they get paid.

Are you on your husband's insurance? Health insurance is my #1 biggest concern.


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## farmergirl (Aug 2, 2005)

fffarmergirl said:


> "And who did you hear that from?"
> 
> "You are asking me to discuss a person who is not here right now. I have made it a new personal policy not to discuss other people when they are not present. Would you like me to contact that person and see if they can attend this meeting?"
> 
> How am I doing, so far?


This had me laughing out loud! I LOVE it :grin:

I'm sorry you are working for such a bully. The fact that he bullies his own daughter makes him despicable in my eyes.

It sounds like you are sick of the job in general. Engaging like you do will wear you out and make you feel fatigued big time. I know it's hard, but try not to put so much of your energy into the job; save some of it for yourself. You are too emotionally invested in the whole job thing. Take a step back, seek clarity. Nurses are in demand pretty much everywhere. If you still want to be a nurse, find a job that is less stressful. 
It's awful that a person who spends her working life caring for the infirm is being terrorized my a jerk and making herself ill from stress 
You are not trapped. You have choices. Empower yourself, disengage, and you may see things in a whole new light.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

farmergirl said:


> This had me laughing out loud! I LOVE it :grin:
> 
> I'm sorry you are working for such a bully. The fact that he bullies his own daughter makes him despicable in my eyes.
> 
> ...


I know! It sounds so easy when you say it, but disengaging is so difficult for me. Work is such a huge part of my identity, it's hard to look at it as "just a job." I MUST learn to do this! 

I'm trying to take it one day at a time, and forcing myself to stop my imagination from running wild. I will seriously work on those communication skills too - seems to work for other people!


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## Forest (Oct 14, 2010)

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

I understand it is hard to take a step back and see the big picture. 

But I know only you have the power to allow this man to get to you. 

You CARE about what he says. 

Obvioulsy, he's an idiot.

How come it matters to you what an idiot says about you? 

You have the power to stop caring about what he thinks about you.

When I worked in a very toxic environment for years, this was what I did.

There are very few truly important people in your life, whose opinions of you should matter to you. Family and close friends. Everyone else? It does not matter if he praises you or not. Why do you feel that you need him to?

It's a PROFESSIONAL relationship. 

Just like with a patient. You will emphasize with someone who is dying of cancer. But you don't take it home with you, it does not get to you, because it is not your friend or sister dying.

Every moment you spend with him, remain aware of the fact that this is not a friend, he is a colleague. Remain professional, that includes not venting to colleagues. You vent to friends. Groom your habits. 

I hope this does not sound too harsh. I found that once I had realized the difference between colleagues and friends, that actually freed up a lot of room for positive interaction. If you don't expect anything from him (like decency, reliability, trustworthiness, appreciation, etc), you may find small things that you enjoy (maybe he's inadvertently funny? A lot of little tyrants are...). 

He cannot touch you. Do not allow him that power over you.


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## anette (Jun 20, 2008)

I will go read the other responses in a minute, but wanted to empathize with you first. I had a great paying job a couple of years ago (Im a nurse too), only worked 3 days a week, not a hard job, but... The doctor I worked for was so horrible that I almost had a panic attack every day I had to work. Seriously, I would be physically ill the night before working and the morning headed in to the office.

It wasnt worth it. I quit.

Life is too short, and I hope you find some respite from this situation.

anette


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Forest said:


> "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
> 
> I understand it is hard to take a step back and see the big picture.
> 
> ...


You are not being harsh. You are saying what I need to hear!

It has been hard for me to differentiate between friends and colleagues. I expect everybody I work with to be my friend and to like me but you are right - there is a very clear distinction between colleagues and friends. If I considered my patients to be my friends, I would have even more problems. 

I have become very uncomfortable with my colleages knowing anything at all about my life. I do have some friends who are now hospital supervisors and it's a fine line I walk with them. 

I live over 800 miles away from most of my family and a lot of my friends, so I was using Facebook a lot, to keep in touch. Unfortunately, I accepted friend requests from people at work. As a result, I have been unable to post on Facebook because there are so many people at work who gossip.

This morning, before your post, I edited my Facebook friends list.  I deleted those colleagues whom I felt I could delete and those I couldn't delete were put on a new list called "frenemies". I think they're my friends - but I don't want them repeating personal information about me to their other friends at work. I set my account so my status updates will not show up on my "frenemies'" pages.

I need to redefine my relationships with my colleagues and learn not to vent or share personal information with them. That will help me to compartmentalize my life better and leave work at work. 

I've been practicing lately and realize that people do love to talk about themselves - it's not too hard to redirect a question they've asked and get them talking about themselves instead of sharing my personal information with them.


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

Hmmmmm, do you and my sister work at the same facility?!?

In the hospital my sister works at, her boss and several people in the department are totally worthless. Everyone seems to know it - including management, but yet nothing is done.

The one co-worker was even caught going out to her car to take naps!! Management "talked" to her, but she STILL works there.

I was going to suggest getting your co-workers together and letting management know what is going on and how you are treated - but management may just turn a blind eye on the whole thing - or believe your boss over what everyone else says.

All I can suggest is continue to do your job to the best of your ability, and anytime the boss needs to talk to you - make sure a witness is around. 

Good luck and let us know how things go.


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## manygoatsnmore (Feb 12, 2005)

I'm going to make a book recommendation, "Crucial Conversations". I just took a 2 day seminar at work (fortunately, I have a great boss, and work for a hospital system that really supports their mission statement), and learned a lot about having those hard conversations, dealing with bosses like yours, etc. If possible, get the book and the CD series that goes with it. Listen to it in the car on your commute - yours is even longer than mine. I just had my first "Crucial Conversation" at work, when the designated charge wanted to give me a 7th patient when she only had 3 (standard for charge is 4 patients, and I do charge, so I know what the expectation is), and after I'd spent the night running my tuchus off while she was on the computer working on her BSN assignments, not on the job she was being paid for. It worked! I followed the format, stepped back from emotions and stated facts, used Don't/Do statements (all covered in the book), and she not only took the patient she was planning to give me, but came up to me later and apologized. Since I usually am an avoider when something like that happens, I was proud of myself for standing up for what I felt was right. In this case, I wasn't dealing with a bully, but someone who was avoiding more work, but it just might work with your boss, too. HTH. 

eta: BTW, what you are describing is a hostile work environment, and it is illegal. If you go up the chain of command as spelled out in your union contract, and HR doesn't do anything, or you are singled out for harsher treatment, contact your state L&I Board. Try the Crucial Conversations book first, though and see if you can change the situation. If it doesn't help, then start up the command chain. Having tried everything you could to change the situation will help if it comes down to having to take legal action to change things for the unit.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Thanks, manygoats! I'm going to look for it right now.


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## Pyrenees (Oct 23, 2004)

If you are just blowing off steam, feel free to ignore my post...if however he is causing you enough stress to push you towards depression, mental illness and/or quitting...you do have legal rights. 

Even without physical contact, what he is doing is illegal.

"Harassment can take the form of slurs, graffiti, offensive or derogatory comments, or other verbal or physical conduct. Sexual harassment (including unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other conduct of a sexual nature) is also unlawful. Although the law does not prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal if it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or if it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted)."

This is from your state's EEOC website: http://www.eeoc.gov/laws/practices/index.cfm

You need to prove a pattern of behavior, so you need to start documenting. Once you have a documented pattern of behavior you should start with your hospital's HR departement (even in a small town/good ol' boy setting they would be crazy not to take you seriously if you show up with solid documentation citing hostile work environment). Step two if they try to squash it or engage in retribution is to contact the EEOC.

You do have options and should not allow your life to be made miserable.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Thanks, Pyrenees. I am not sure if I am just venting or if it might move in that direction some day. If I document a pattern of behavior it would still be my word against his, unless my coworkers chose to go out on a limb for me - right? Jobs are scarce around here. I would not ask anybody to do that for me.

I will start attending the union meetings and ask a union rep to be with me whenever I have to deal with him. I think they're my greatest resource, although I'm not sure how strong our union really is . . . .


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## Spinner (Jul 19, 2003)

I would fall asleep every night "day dreaming" of ways to off him. I'd never actually do that, but I'd sure enjoy day dreaming about it.


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

get another job...

that said, realize that it is almost always something in the _other person_ that is making them treat you poorly, and not something you did, said, etc.


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## shannsmom (Jul 28, 2009)

My DH was a stay at home Dad so the layoff was frightening particularly because of health insurance. Otherwise, the layoff was a blessing. Even with being told constantly that I was fat and other hurtful things, I didn't quit just because I was laid off once in the past and it is definitely the best way to go. Oh, and my favorite, our hours were all cut to 5 hours shifts...you get docked 30 minutes for lunch when you hit 5 hours, so to avoid only getting paid for 4.5 hours, you had to clock in 6 minutes late or clock out 6 minutes early, and you can see how they can use that against you! So many illegal things going on, but HR was no help as this new manager was married to a surgeon, so they were "hospital royalty" and if we didn't like it, we could leave. We were actually told that at the first staff meeting! I feel sorry for my coworkers that are still there, working their short shifts, and they have all turned on each other because of the stress. I wish I could let things roll of my back, but tend to take them personally, so it is really for the best for me not to be there.
Yes, you do qualify for unemployment when laid off, both times I got a severance contract that said it was through no fault of mine (that statement is VERY important should you be in this situation!). Not to mention a couple months pay to NOT work! I am renewing my license just to be safe (and you're right, I _worked_ for that license!), but it is disheartening that healthcare has come to have so little to do with patient care, and so much to do with management. While blueberry picking the other day, I overheard a PT's wife talking to someone she was with about what was happening to her DH at the same hospital I was at, laid off a lot of PT's, but brought in extra management who do nothing but overwork the remaining PT's and argue with the patients! 
This time off has let me have the summer with my DD for the first time ever. And allowed me to see that there is more to the world. It has taken me a long time to get to this logic, but I think things happen for a reason....you may be where you are because that's where something better will be to find you one day. Not to mention the lives you are touching. Hang in there, girl! You have gotten some great advice here!

ETA: my DD9 was frightened about me losing my job at first, like I said, it was the only job in the house, but she has learned from it that life doesn't go as planned sometimes, but it does work if you take the changes as an opportunity instead of a blow!


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## Tricky Grama (Oct 7, 2006)

chickenista said:


> Been there and done that and in a hospital setting as well.
> And I understand when you say it consumes you. I dreaded it when I am heading there, miserable when I was there and thinking about it on the way home.. repeat ad nauseum.
> 
> I did speak up, but the supervisor was also cowed by this person and all I did was dig myself a super deep pit of hell. I did not take it to HR, but I could have.
> ...


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

shannsmom said:


> My DH was a stay at home Dad so the layoff was frightening particularly because of health insurance. Otherwise, the layoff was a blessing. Even with being told constantly that I was fat and other hurtful things, I didn't quit just because I was laid off once in the past and it is definitely the best way to go. Oh, and my favorite, our hours were all cut to 5 hours shifts...you get docked 30 minutes for lunch when you hit 5 hours, so to avoid only getting paid for 4.5 hours, you had to clock in 6 minutes late or clock out 6 minutes early, and you can see how they can use that against you! So many illegal things going on, but HR was no help as this new manager was married to a surgeon, so they were "hospital royalty" and if we didn't like it, we could leave. We were actually told that at the first staff meeting! I feel sorry for my coworkers that are still there, working their short shifts, and they have all turned on each other because of the stress. I wish I could let things roll of my back, but tend to take them personally, so it is really for the best for me not to be there.
> Yes, you do qualify for unemployment when laid off, both times I got a severance contract that said it was through no fault of mine (that statement is VERY important should you be in this situation!). Not to mention a couple months pay to NOT work! I am renewing my license just to be safe (and you're right, I _worked_ for that license!), but it is disheartening that healthcare has come to have so little to do with patient care, and so much to do with management. While blueberry picking the other day, I overheard a PT's wife talking to someone she was with about what was happening to her DH at the same hospital I was at, laid off a lot of PT's, but brought in extra management who do nothing but overwork the remaining PT's and argue with the patients!
> This time off has let me have the summer with my DD for the first time ever. And allowed me to see that there is more to the world. It has taken me a long time to get to this logic, but I think things happen for a reason....you may be where you are because that's where something better will be to find you one day. Not to mention the lives you are touching. Hang in there, girl! You have gotten some great advice here!
> 
> ETA: my DD9 was frightened about me losing my job at first, like I said, it was the only job in the house, but she has learned from it that life doesn't go as planned sometimes, but it does work if you take the changes as an opportunity instead of a blow!


Wow. You have had to deal with a lot more than I've had to. I wouldn't even want to imagine being in your shoes. How do you survive? The S has truly HTF for you! I'm hoping to get the debt all paid down and be prepared before I have to quit or get laid off. The extra time doing the things that really matter is much more valuable than money, of course. I pray that, by the time I'm a grandmother, I will be able to be at home full-time.


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

One of the most 'direct' bosses I ever had taught me something very valuable. If he asked me a question, and I answered with "such and so..." [blah blah], he would pick up the phone, call that person, and say, "Come to my office. WoM and I want to talk to you". Then, when they got there, he'd let us both tell him whatever he had asked.

This is EXCELLENT training for someone who wants to get different stories, play people against each other, or who are passive/aggressive.

R


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

I've been nervous that my boss might somehow find this thread, since it's on a public forum. I posted a question on General Chat regarding this subject.

I wonder if there's any way to move this thread to General Chat since it's not public?


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## naturelover (Jun 6, 2006)

fffarmergirl said:


> I wonder if there's any way to move this thread to General Chat since it's not public?


You have to pm one of the mods of this forum and ask for it to be moved to GC.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

naturelover said:


> You have to pm one of the mods of this forum and ask for it to be moved to GC.


Thanks!


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