# I think I'm ready



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I think I am ready to stop living the way I am living.

I think I am ready to quit worrying about the what if's.......

I really think I am ready to start over.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

LZ5. I can understand that thought or thought process. That link that Cowboy posted has really got me thinking about how much stuff I could do without so I could throw in my own towel so to speak. Then I took my son and his friends to visit my mother who just moved to the Oregon coast and is now going to live out of a RV full time. She went from having very expensive furniture, land and house to a storage shed and RV. My thoughts are if she can do it so can I. 

Then dating for the couple of months that I dated I realized that I really do miss having a companion to talk to daily, go on drives and adventures. I miss that, I really do. So does that mean maybe my heart has finally healed and is ready to move on? 

Does that make sense, is that what you are going through as well?


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

cindilu said:


> LZ5. I can understand that thought or thought process. That link that Cowboy posted has really got me thinking about how much stuff I could do without so I could throw in my own towel so to speak. Then I took my son and his friends to visit my mother who just moved to the Oregon coast and is now going to live out of a RV full time. She went from having very expensive furniture, land and house to a storage shed and RV. My thoughts are if she can do it so can I.
> 
> Then dating for the couple of months that I dated I realized that I really do miss having a companion to talk to daily, go on drives and adventures. I miss that, I really do. So does that mean maybe my heart has finally healed and is ready to move on?
> 
> Does that make sense, *is that what you are going through as well*?


I am coming to the point where I realize that my 'dreams' will never be, at least not with my spouse.
I hate him, I will never trust him, it will never be the same, or better.

My 'fear' has always been the what if's.
I have no insurance, what if my back goes out, what if my car breaks down, what if I get fired, what if what if what if......
So I have lived in miserable complacently because I have a big house big yard and never worry about grocery or gas money.
But my heart is broken, my confidence destroyed, and I cringe when he walks in the room.....

That's a crappy way to live.
I would rather be cold and deal with a leaky roof, and laugh at it, than 'safe and sound' with a broken heart.

I am coming to the place where I KNOW it's never gonna be the same and I KNOW it will never get better, I KNOW I will NEVER trust him and I know I cannot love him like I used to. His 20+ years of lies, adultery, manipulation, mental abuse, and addiction is more than I can bear......I am better off without him. So are my kids.

I am tired of being depressed. I am ready for some happiness.
I think that can only happen when I purge the source of depression.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Girl, I get it. And I also believe in you. You are right, there are what if's but those what if's can just get stuffed. You can do just fine on your own and you and your kids will be okay. Money cannot buy happiness or peace of mind. And I think you deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Sometimes it takes knowing you can do so much better on your own to give you strength to start that process.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

Nobody can predict the future; they can only handle the present as best they can and try to make plans. Plans are great but they're not reality; they're really just a wish that your heart makes. You'll do fine. Giving up the known and stepping into the unknown is really scary; many people never leave security because fear grips them. I can't promise all of the horrible things you worry about won't happen but you'll do fine.


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## GarlicGirl (Mar 12, 2010)

It is hard to believe that dealing with those "what ifs" could be nearly as bad as dealing with what you have described has been going on the last 20 years.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

God lives in the What Ifs.

What If you stepped away from the pain and the stress and you learned to emotionally take care of yourself? The blessings flow and curses go away.

You can do it. We did it, and not only survived. We thrive!


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## mtman (Sep 2, 2004)

i felt i needed a change i havent been on ht since jan. i moved on my boat and i realy loved the change o and i now am in fl. on the inter coastal water way


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## Farmer Willy (Aug 7, 2005)

I don't have all of the answers in life, but I have learned that you only get so much of it, and you don't get back any that you squander.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

Sometimes, in order to quit drowning, ya gotta let go of that cement block ...


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## simi-steading (Sep 27, 2012)

I've found that a life full of Oh Sh**s has been a lot better than a life full of What If's... 

My wife and I are working towards giving up very good paying jobs next year to move to the middle of nowhere with no jobs lined up, and we don't have the money to live long without a job.... 

BUT.. we'd much rather find out what happens, then wonder what would have happened...


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

I was raised by parents who continuously fretted about the "what if's" of the world and I inherited it.

I wish I could remember what book I read that changed that. It might have been "Your Irroneous Zones" (MISSPELLED) by Dr. Wayne Dwyer. 

Anyway, I quit worrying about everything...seriously. I never am concerned about anything until it happens and then I'll deal with it!

It's very freeing!


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## Bret (Oct 3, 2003)

willow_girl said:


> Sometimes, in order to quit drowning, ya gotta let go of that cement block ...


Those are my shoes.

Just when I think I have to quit something, I magically catch up and think that I'm a super star for just a flash. The high feeling is brief. I would be unhappy though if I didn't always have more bit off than I can chew. I want to see and do it all and the price is high. I cannot see any way of catching up right now, but I always have something to do. No margarita gets swallowed without something major done.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I did it.
The house will go on the market Aug 1.
When it sells, all credit debt will be paid.
The rest goes to me to get myself my own place.
We will part ways when this house sells.

I feel like a 10 ton weight has been lifted.

However, this will be the hardest thing to do: be 47 almost 48, starting over from scratch, as a bartender/full time college student, with 3 kids, and 2 Jack Russell Terriers.
That's ok, I took those concrete shoes off, and I am swimming for the surface!!


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I did it.
> The house will go on the market Aug 1.
> When it sells, all credit debt will be paid.
> The rest goes to me to get myself my own place.
> ...



sometimes ya gotta poop or get off the pot.

you was set free long ago it just took a bit for ya to figure it out.....you will be fine....even if you struggle.

cheers lady !!!!!!!!


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## GarlicGirl (Mar 12, 2010)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I did it.
> The house will go on the market Aug 1.
> When it sells, all credit debt will be paid.
> The rest goes to me to get myself my own place.
> ...


Wow, girl. Just a reminder. The hardest thing was putting up with all the stuff you put up with. You Can Do This! I speak from experience. I repeat - You Can Do This!


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

Good for you, you finally got off the pot! You're kids are mostly grown, the dogs will adore you no matter what and you've still young enough to embrace a new life.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

He always has 'an out':

Last night when we were talking, and came to the conclusion that 'nothing is going to make this marriage better' he said "yeah but what if we get divorced and then in 3 months, 6 months, a year we decide that was an even worse decision"

LOOSELY TRANSLATES TO:
What if I don't hook up with someone who will cook, clean, handle all the finances, give me everything I want, be my Donna Reed by day and Linda Lovelace at night......I may not have 'you' (that being me) to fall back on.

Um, sorry buck-o


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## BetsyK in Mich (May 14, 2002)

Now that you've made this decision tread carefully, check and double check all your decisions. Making such a major change in your life along with the emotions can mess with your head. Keep your kids close but be ready for a few right curves. Good luck, I've been there too.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

BetsyK in Mich said:


> Now that you've made this decision tread carefully, check and double check all your decisions. Making such a major change in your life along with the emotions can mess with your head. Keep your kids close but be ready for a few right curves. Good luck, I've been there too.


If I can live through the last 2 years......I swear, I can do anything.

WHAT I REALLY NEED NOW is to let go of the anger.
I need help, letting go of the anger.....
I don't know how to do this, or where to go to find help.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> He always has 'an out':
> 
> Last night when we were talking, and came to the conclusion that 'nothing is going to make this marriage better' he said "yeah but what if we get divorced and then in 3 months, 6 months, a year we decide that was an even worse decision"
> 
> ...


Made me think of this song!
[youtube]DFG9dwolo3Q[/youtube]


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## WJMartin (Nov 2, 2011)

LZ5, so glad you have made a choice.
I just want to mention one thing. You said that the credit debt will be paid off when you sell. Get the credit amount for the day he agreed to this, between now and when the house sells he could continue to accrue debt to make sure there is nothing left. If you must have some money from the house sell, please do what you can to protect it.
Good Luck! You Can Do This!


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

mtman said:


> i felt i needed a change i havent been on ht since jan. i moved on my boat and i realy loved the change o and i now am in fl. on the inter coastal water way


Way to go!!!!!

Mon


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> If I can live through the last 2 years......I swear, I can do anything.
> 
> WHAT I REALLY NEED NOW is to let go of the anger.
> I need help, letting go of the anger.....
> I don't know how to do this, or where to go to find help.



please watch laurazone5

[YOUTUBE]k7X7sZzSXYs[/YOUTUBE]


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

[YOUTUBE]ZrRbJRTRGeM[/YOUTUBE]


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

[YOUTUBE]ax6UXyAXSZo[/YOUTUBE]


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Proud of you Laura Zone 5! Hang in there.


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## BetsyK in Mich (May 14, 2002)

Getting rid of the anger is going to be difficult but you can do it. Just keep your eye on YOUR future and don't let anyone get under your skin. I found physical exercise released a lot of anger and help me to think clearly. Darn near wore all the tread off the bike tires. Take your time and think through every decision, sometimes trying to get you angry is a way to manipulate you, waiting to do something never hurts. Find a person who will support and encourage you and ignore the naysayers, trust me there will be some and sometimes from the ones you would least expect. And here's the hard part of getting through anger, forgive the person your angry at, I know, when you know where freezes over, but it will work.


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## larita (Mar 27, 2003)

What if........you make this big change in your life and it turns out wonderful and you live happily ever after.............:angel:


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Take a deep breath. Make an imaginary balloon with your hand. Now blow all the anger in the balloon and let it go!! 
It's going to be the best thing you have ever done for YOU!! Why drag the anger along with you?
Leave the anger with the house. You won't have the room or time for it!!

You've taken a big step to get the ball rolling. You can let the anger go too.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Use the anger as your tool to protect yourself through the divorce. Use it to remember every time you got manipulated, doormatted and screwed over. He ain't done trying. You may be done, but he's not.

Our feelings are there for a reason, to protect us. Take all that pain and anger in your heart, stuff in down in your gut and digest it. Things get real clear. Reach over, flick the OFF switch to the pain, cut the chains he likes to yank and get your paperwork filed.

Once your legal papers are filed, he is your opponent, not your husband, not your friend, not a personal relationship. An opponent, and you know how he plays the game. He doesn't know how you changed your rules.

Once the judge signs the final decree, your new life won't have room for anger. You'll be happy dancing with the rest of us.


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## Bret (Oct 3, 2003)

You will never have to go back to scratch. No one will. You will always have your knowledge, direction, momentum, experience and continuing wisdom that keeps getting more in focus. 

Hate is no foundation. It is worse than sand. I agree, it must go with the anger. Have a big dumpster at work? Stick your head in there and inhale deep one last time. That is what hate and anger smell like if you hold on to it. It repels everything and everyone. 

Then, take a shower. Stay your course. Credit by credit you are getting there. When you get there, you will see that you already arrived because the trail is enough. Everything else is a bonus.


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## SimplerTimez (Jan 20, 2008)

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with doing anything in anger, even if someone has hurt you or abused you. It only eats up YOUR soul, not theirs. If they had a place to register hurt, you wouldn't be where you are today. Plus, you still have children together. Anger has no place in those interactions.

What Bret said is right on. Ditch anger, engage your compassion and clear-headedness, and move forward in strength.

You need to think like this:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouZ00uu_jpQ"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouZ00uu_jpQ[/ame]

But that's just one opinion among many 

Be well, stay strong.

~ST


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

The scripture verse is, "Be angry and sin not."

Anger needs to be properly processed and utilized. Anger is not sin. Most nice people stuff it, deny it, and it expresses in other destructive ways, like bitterness.


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## Guest (Jul 12, 2013)

For those of you who have heard my " here's a great way to constructively deal with anger" advice over the years, skip to the next post..

Anger is like powder post beetle larvae .. You cannot see it, but nonetheless, if left unchecked, it will eat your insides until you become lifeless..

Go to yardsales.. Buy chipped, dead glassware for pennies..carry a full box of dishes/glasses to the dump.. Sit on a nice blanket.. Think angry thoughts.. Throw each dish as hard as you can.. With each CRASH , let go of the anger..
Empty the box..
Go home..
Marvel at a blade of grass covered with dew in the morning sun..
Laugh out loud..
Hug yourself..
Before you know it, you'll feel ever so much better.. The situation hasn't changed.. Your outlook has


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## SimplerTimez (Jan 20, 2008)

Laura said:


> The scripture verse is, "Be angry and sin not."
> 
> Anger needs to be properly processed and utilized. Anger is not sin. Most nice people stuff it, deny it, and it expresses in other destructive ways, like bitterness.


I neither inferred or stated that anger was a sin. I figure people that are concerned about that know where to look it up for themselves.

But you forgot something when you listed opponent; he's still the father of her children. And because of that, and the fact that anger will bleed all over that relationship, I personally don't feel it is conducive to good co-parenting relationships. And trust me when I say I have some experience in this matter. There is never any regret in taking the high road, although pain and patience will be required most likely.

We agree that anger needs to be properly processed and dealt with in a healthy manner for sure, and not stuffed. But there is far better fuel for strength than anger, in my opinion. 

And we all know what they say about opinions...(smile)

~ST


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

First of all I want to say that I"m so proud of you but you already know that!

As for anger, I remember back when I was sooooo angry at my second ex for all the BS! One day, I realized that that anger was a terrible waste of my emotions! He wasn't worth spit and didn't deserve even my anger!

I don't mention my spirituality often abut I have beliefs. I gave it all to God. I left it in His hands to deal with the so-called man in whatever manner He wanted.

Then, I simply went on with my life without even thinking about the past. The past is dead.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I thought I was ready........

Then he says to me, after I have lived in a loveless marriage for more than a decade:

Look, the last year and a half, I just can't deal with the crazy. You don't trust me, and it's never going to get any better so why try?

and then

I just quit trying because I knew we end up in the same place in a year, and I didn't want to hurt you.

WHAT?
THIS IS A FREAKIN' MIND GAME.......
This is ALL after he tells me that he called his old place of employment, where the  he had an affair with still works, to let them know he was changing jobs, and where his new place of employment is: BECAUSE, he was working on one of their projects and it was "the right thing to do to let them know" EVEN THOUGH his old boss, called his new boss, only a few months into his new job, totally throwing dh under the bus making up stories of how "he was ignoring his calls and not working on the project". AND dh cussed him a blue streak and hated him for that.......

REALLY DOES HE THINK I AM THAT STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!

He freakin' called so they would tell the  where to find him.

I really thought I had worked through a lot of my anger, and clearly I have not.
I told him he needs to move out NOW.
I can calling an attorney monday.
THIS IS going to get ugly.

DUH any moron could see that.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Laura you've made your decision. Find peace in it. He is going to keep you as stirred up as he can so you will be distracted and possibly make mistakes. Don't let him do it. I know how hard it is but keep your eye on the prize and stay focused on your mission.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

HE NEVER TRIED!!!
He didn't do anything.
Oh, take that back, he wrote me notes in the morning and made my coffee.
And when I didn't act like that was the most over the top amazing thing?
He quit.
I THANKED him for the notes. I THANKED him for making my coffee.
I TOLD him that was a very nice thing to do, but we needed deeper repair, that by doing a couple of nice things was not going to help us through the hurt and damage.
I told him a THOUSAND TIMES A THOUSAND WAYS that we needed to see a professional counselor, not some wack job joke of a pastor.
We need to see someone who specializes in what we have been though:
Adultery
Pornography Addiction
Life long Deception.

I told him we needed to dig deep, get to the roots, and then build on new ground, and it would take someone well qualified to do that......

HE NEVER NOT ONCE NEVER looked into that.
THEN he gets mad when I don't throw him a parade and go all Linda Lovelace when he puts away the laundry. 
NO, I am not exaggerating......he wanted to know why I was so ungrateful that he puts away the laundry. 
He's done that for YEARS.
I collect, wash, dry, fold, hang and iron, and he and the kids put it away?
It's always been like that. Always.
Yet he really wanted to fight about how ungrateful I am that I don't 'thank him' every time he does it???????

You guys, I couldn't make this [stuff] up......I couldn't drink enough or smoke enough to get high enough to make this up.

WHY doesn't he see what he's doing?
WHY doesn't he see that I am the ONLY one who has stood by him through better and worse, when he was sick and unemployed, when he took a year off work so he could go to college full time, etc.......and WHY can't he see that the kids think he walks on water YET HE'S GONNA THROW THAT ALL AWAY?????

I don't know why he can just be ok with that.......
He is souless.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Laura the truth is you will never understand why he does what he does. Why waste time trying to figure it out? People have to live their own lives make their own decisions and mistakes. If they don't ever suffer any consequences how are they going to learn? You can't make him feel or see things he doesn't feel or see. 

Let him go. Love him enough to give him what he thinks/knows he wants. 

The best revenge is moving forward and living well. Love yourself more. 

Hugs to you girl. I know it's not easy but I know you can do anything you put your mind to.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Yes, Laura5, he is soulless, and he's trying to suck yours. This in not going to change. 

Focus, and channel the energy of your righteous anger to protecting you and yours.

Flick the OFF switch to PAIN.

Remove the hooks of Fear Obligation and Guilt. This includes the sentimentality of Father of Your Children BS. Their relationship has nothing to do with you. Sentimentality is just another avenue to jerk you around.

Parenting plan, neutral visitation exchange location, stay in the car, He wants to talk, tell him to send an email. Do not engage in his BS. Save his emails for further court whack-a-weasel proceedings.

He is now a legal opponent. Make it all about business and keep it that way. You know him well enough to stay 2 steps ahead of him in the courtroom. Keep your head in the game and your heart out of it.

Never tip your hand.

He's not your friend and he never was.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> HE NEVER TRIED!!!
> He didn't do anything.
> Oh, take that back, he wrote me notes in the morning and made my coffee.
> And when I didn't act like that was the most over the top amazing thing?
> ...


I'm thinking, "Too little ... too late."

It sounds like he has deep-rooted problems. Those are hard and painful to correct. Most people would rather find a new partner who will accept them as they are (at least at the get-go). My third husband didn't even wait 24 hours after the breakup to start putting ads on dating sites. 

Get a good counselor and let him/her help you analyze what went wrong and the lessons you can take from it. Otherwise, you're probably going to waste a lot of time spinning your wheels. 

If your mind is made up, don't engage with him. He'll just keep trying to suck you back in.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I thought I was ready........
> 
> Then he says to me, after I have lived in a loveless marriage for more than a decade:
> 
> ...


If I were you, I'd be tempted to strip him nekkid, tie a big red bow on his you-know-what and drive him over to the hoes house and push him out of the car! Of course, drive away fast! :hysterical:


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I did it.
> The house will go on the market Aug 1.
> When it sells, all credit debt will be paid.
> The rest goes to me to get myself my own place.
> ...


When the house sells, he will want a lot of cash in his own hand. Count on it. He no longer loves you, and it is better for HIM to leave you with debts and spend much of the cash himself. I think. It is hard to predict the actions of a person I have never met.

I am sorry, but, humans have feet of clay. Is there any way you can protect yourself from this?


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Yes, he's playing games with you and yes, he thinks you're that freakin' stupid. He thinks you'll keep on taking it, too just as you always have, and he will keep doing it as long as you let him.

Let me repeat that last part. As long as you let him, you are participating in your own abuse. How can you resolve and let go of the anger when you are still participating?


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

How does this attorney thing work?
Do I sit down and talk with them, then they tell me how much it will cost or do I have to pay THEN they will talk to me?


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

I don't know, I couldn't afford an attorney. Call your local abuse center for an immediate appointment for help filling out and filing the initial papers.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> How does this attorney thing work?
> Do I sit down and talk with them, then they tell me how much it will cost


USUALLY this, though it does vary from area to area.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

........


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

It will be the best money you have spent in a long time judging from your past posts about your marriage. Think of it as an investment in your future, the same as the expense associated with college. 

That is not a very high price for your sanity. You might ask around and find out how "successful" this attorney is though..you do have people you can ask? Friends or relatives? and if you have any questions, you can ask here, collectively all the folks who are divorced here should have close to a PHd in law and some may have majored in "what not to do when you are getting a divorce".

Good luck - nice to see you taking care of yourself for a change.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Yesterday, I was 'wired-manic style' cleaning, throwing stuff away, boxing, etc....
Today, I am drained....exhausted. Just want to sleep.
Since Thursday night, I have only slept 5 ish hours a night, and it's not solid restful sleep.
Today when I walked in, I felt like I was going to puke.
When I left, I felt better.
My kids are so sad. It breaks my heart.
I feel so selfish for wanting to be happy, free from the mental torture.
If this doesn't happen now, the mental abuse, will be the end of me, literally.
Pray for my kids. Their hearts are broken, and there's nothing I can do.
I fear, after my 'manic' Sat and Sun, I am now crashing.......I can't lay on the couch for a week.....I don't have a day off till next sunday.....I have to work, I have to keep my job.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Yesterday, I was 'wired-manic style' cleaning, throwing stuff away, boxing, etc....
> Today, I am drained....exhausted. Just want to sleep.
> Since Thursday night, I have only slept 5 ish hours a night, and it's not solid restful sleep.
> Today when I walked in, I felt like I was going to puke.
> ...


Your children might be sad, but your sanity is more important .
In a few years, they will be grown, gone and building their own lives. They will adjust, so don't be concerned about that!


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else. Put that first step behind you. Just do it!

Nobody likes change, it's that fear of the unknown. But you know what? Kids are resilient. The sad thing is they grew up in the BS and they don't know there is something different yet.

3 years ago DD was very frightened not knowing what was going to happen to her. I fought hard and the judge protected her. DD relaxed when she knew her fate. 3 years later, she STILL smiles and comments on how nice it is to live without stress, to have a happy healthy fun mom, to be able to pack a quick picnic and go have fun without any drama and negativity.

Laura 5, I wish I could hold your hand and drag you through this. Get the paperwork done and filed. That is the hard part.

Take care of your health. Melatonin 1/2 hour before bed for good sleep, B12 drops or dots in the morning. Lay off the carbs and food chemicals.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Sadness is a part of life: while a Mom hates it when her kids are sad they will, at times, be sad. 

Laura, you have thought this out carefully and over a long period of time. For what it is worth I think that you are doing the right thing, not that my opinion matters!


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