# "You're single and live by yourself, you don't need..."



## Alice Kramden (Mar 26, 2008)

Does this happen to you? Well meaning friends or others tell you what you need and don't need. For example, from years ago, I was young and always talking about what kind of house I'd like to build and how I wanted it furnished. 

My friend at the time, always had been a bit of a snob (story for another time), flat out told me that since I was single, I should be living in a one room apartment with one of those fold out beds and not have very much of anything. "Oh, it would be sooooo perfect for you, you don't need much living by yourself!" Meaning I should not exceed my position as poor and single, not have dreams, not want nicer things since I was not supposed to have anything. Live in one room with my cat and be grateful for that. 

When I bought a brand new car way back yonder, it was "what do you want with a new Thunderbird? You don't need a car that nice!" 

Forward to recently said from another person in reference to building a new front porch: "You live by yourself, and an enclosed front porch would be like adding another room to heat and cool, and besides you wouldn't use it anyway."

Where does this mindset come from that a single person cannot have nice things? Am I supposed to schlep around with my head down, live in a one room shack, sleep on the floor, and never aspire to having anything but a cabinet full of generic brands?

Have any of you had to deal with someone who felt so superior to you that they could tell you with a straight face you should not have nice things or dream of having something better one day? If you did, and don't mind, relate for us how you handled it. I just roll my eyes and mentally plan more extravagances to drive them crazy.


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## farmgal (Nov 12, 2005)

Don't get me started. Lol. Have a few married friends who totally see the difference in one income household vs two. Those ones are proud of how far I get alone. Then I have a few that tell me just as you say. I'm slowly dissolving them from my life. Some friends for 35 years. I've been avoiding their calls and not including them in my fun. 

Seems they want to see me without possibly to make them feel higher? Not sure, but I know it's their problem not mine. It doesn't happen because I budget to get the things I want. They don't know what a budget is. Lol. I also am beginning to realize they are jealous. Jealous because I'm happy and stable. How dare I!


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## Fair Light (Oct 13, 2010)

Oh yes.... I hear that sort of thing all the time and it annoys me so much.. And like you I just roll my eyes and ignore the comments...I've even heard it from a relative when I announced I had adopted a dog from the shelter...three days later I got a call asking if the dog was returnable...I was told I don't need the responsibility of having a dog and I should bring her back...that she should be with a family that can spend more time with her.. That was 5 years ago and she is still here.... The latest though is my sister in law that said I should sell my house and move to a one room apartment because I don't need a place this big...when I asked her what should I do with all my stuff that would not fit into a small apartment like my gardening stuff... She said I should just get rid of it all because I don't need to be gardening anymore..,because I am alone with no one to cook for anyway and frozen dinners are pretty good these days..I have lots of these examples... Just ignore them !!!!


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

LOL, let's see... over the years at different times...

My gourmet kitchens, my livestock, my guitars ("You're just one person -- why do you need 5 guitars?"), my property, my truck ("Why do you need 2 vehicles?")... the list goes on and on. I just smile cheerfully and enjoy my life the way *I* want it to be.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Oh, and I forgot the TOOLS!! "Why do you need all those tools? You'll NEVER use them!"


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

I have a bit of the opposite, especially from family. They seem to think that I have a money tree that I shake regularly and want what I have. 

When I moved from my other place I had two different family members want to do a rent to own with my house. I told them I needed to sell it and couldn't do it. They had no money down, couldn't afford where they were living, and frankly, have bad credit. But, because I have so much, it shouldn't be a problem. 

Then when my neighbor here found out that I might be moving, she asked to do the same thing with this house. Forty some years old, no money, no job, and lives with her mother.

Then to top it off, the other night I was talking to my aunt. She's always calling and hinting around for money. This time she was wanting me to buy her an electric canner-$299.00. I told her she was nuts, buy a WBC. Then she flat out said that she had a great idea-when(if) I get the other house I can buy another one and she'll just rent it from me. :smack

I think I need to excuse myself now and go see if I have stupid tattooed across my forehead....


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Terri... I learned a hugely useful phrase that I employ for all such inquiries: "I'm sorry, but that's just not going to work for me."

It has the added benefit of actually being true!!


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

Rae, I'm usually not that tactful. I just say, "Are you nuts?!" or, "Do you think I'm nuts?!". :happy2:


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

LOL, Terri, I may employ your phraseology more in the future!!!


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## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

People stopped telling me what to do a long time ago, they know I'm going to do what I want anyway.


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## 1shotwade (Jul 9, 2013)

I'll admit I am not female which I take y'all are,and I don't live alone but Maybe y'all are so close to the situation you really can't see what these people are saying to you. I understand how frustrating it can be for someone to always be critical of you and /or your dicissions.What I'm hearing y'all say sounds to me like a bunch of well intended people relating your situation to their own lives and seeing things that they blame for the extra stress,work,heartache etc. that they have had to endure because of desissions they have made in the past.
I catch myself doing this at times with my kids."You don't really need a house that size right now with only one child". That comes directly from my past experiances. We lived in a moble home with 3 kids and really needed more room. We bought a big 2 story and had plenty of room. Now the kids are gone and I wish I just had a trailer to live it. I don't need all this space and the maintenance and upkeep and taxes and insurance and all the things that come with having a large home.
I may be wrong but that's what came to mind. Hope this helps y'all in some way.


Wade


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

I don't get that much, but then I tend to live pretty simply for the most part. I really don't recall anyone suggesting how I should live or what I should do in ages.

...except, one well meaning preacher guy I knew. He said I should go live in a city somewhere, meet a girl, get married, then slowly start trying to get her interested in the sort of lifestyle I liked. I thought he was joking, but he was serious. I said I didn't think it would work out well, and wasn't really being very honest. He still thought it was a great idea.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Malamute said:


> I don't get that much, but then I tend to live pretty simply for the most part. I really don't recall anyone suggesting how I should live or what I should do in ages.
> 
> ...except, one well meaning preacher guy I knew. He said I should go live in a city somewhere, meet a girl, get married, then slowly start trying to get her interested in the sort of lifestyle I liked. I thought he was joking, but he was serious. I said I didn't think it would work out well, and wasn't really being very honest. He still thought it was a great idea.


Well, see there, Mal, you're already living like a Franciscan monk, so you've given them nothing to criticize. Say... how many hair shirts do you have? Because more than one is ostentatious, and you really don't need that many.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I hear ya dad. Couldn't a said it better.


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

My ex's partner asked me once, "You have two pickups,....and a car?" Yep. "Why?" Each has its uses. They are ALL PAID FOR. Of course one is 20 years old, one is 12 and one is 9. Didn't explain the uses either, the older is a farm truck and goes in the pasture and busts through the brush, newer truck is for goin to town and the car is for long distance trips and city driving when I go to the Drs. in Dallas.

I've had opposite problem from some friends, when the old house burned and I built this 1500 sq ft house, they said I needed a 3000 sq ft house. Asked why, for all your stuff. HELLO, it burned up with the house. NOw they complain about taxes and I point out my taxes are less than half of what they pay.


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

whiterock said:


> ...they complain about taxes and I point out my taxes are less than half of what they pay.


 Some people comment about my small cabin, but get a little grumpy when we compare taxes, and power bills.

I'm not a minimalist, but do like simple living.


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## TxGypsy (Nov 23, 2006)

I'm a frugal minimalist. I often complain that I have too much stuff and need to get rid of half of it. I live in a small one room cabin and I still don't use all the space. Everyone is constantly telling me I need something bigger. So I have the opposite problem. LOL...everyone knows how I am with tools. They'd never dare say I had too many.


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

I live in a one room cabin at the moment, but I hadn't planned on it being for this long. I'm adding on, which will help. I had planned on building an entirely different cabin, but life didn't work out that way. It still wouldn't have been very large, maybe 900-1100 sq ft, but would have had a basement in addition to that main level footprint.


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## Jade1096 (Jan 2, 2008)

Nope, I don't really seem to have that issue.

My group of true friends is small and close knit, as well as like minded. We only butt in with our opinions if we feel like something is happening that could be unsafe.

My family...well, there were a couple I had to get out and out rude with before they understood that their approval was neither requested nor required.
I perfected the statement, "Oh goodness...did I phrase that like a question that required your opinion? I meant to make it a clear statement. Let me rephrase....."

Fair Light, are you kidding me? I would have told that relative to piss off and hung up on them.


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## chamoisee (May 15, 2005)

Yup. What irks me are the people who tell me I need to move into low income apartments where I can't have any animals. No thank you. A very large part of me would die there...you can't even have a garden in those places. :-(


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

Alice Kramden said:


> Have any of you had to deal with someone who felt so superior to you that they could tell you with a straight face you should not have nice things or dream of having something better one day? If you did, and don't mind, relate for us how you handled it. I just roll my eyes and mentally plan more extravagances to drive them crazy.


People like that have control issues. They're what I call control freaks. I plan for and get whatever extravagances I want for myself and I don't consult with other people about it before I get it or do it, I especially don't discuss it with control freaks. Once the deed is done it's done and if other people don't approve of it well that's their problem, not mine, and I don't care what they think because my business is none of their business. If they complain about it I tell them I'm sad to hear they can't be happy for me and my successes and they will need to stick to their own business and I'll stick to mine. I'll be sure to let them know if they can't be happy for my successes then I certainly won't share my successes with them.


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## grimm_mojo (Dec 30, 2007)

actually i been topld i needs a keeper someone to babysit an keep an eye on me lol but now i do know some that love to tell me what i should do on things. like telling me i need get a newer truck or car. like i have the money lol an get told i need just get rid my dogs like they garbage or something


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## billooo2 (Nov 23, 2004)

I have had a variation........when I lost my leg, some 'well-intentioned' people told me that I needed to sell everything and move into a 'handicapped-accessible' apartment. I not only did not make that move........I went out and bought dairy goats!!!!!


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## Alice Kramden (Mar 26, 2008)

Paumon, I "liked" your post but it didn't go through for some reason. 

Yes, it is about control issues. The one who made the comments years ago about me living in a one room apartment, well. She always had a fancy house with fancy stuff inside. You had to take your shoes off at the door to walk in. Her folks had money, she lived good from childhood on. We lived next door and were poor. I understood the relationship even at a very young age, and was okay with it, 'cause I knew she was full of herself. 

I will not let anyone control me. I get a hint that someone thinks they can, my hackles go up. I might even get rude and vocal now, when I was younger I just kept quiet. I guess people thought that meant I could be intimidated, since I wouldn't speak up. I am older now, and will tell you point blank what I think. 

Thank you for the responses. I'm gratified to know it happens to others and that you can see it for what it is.


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

Jade1096 said:


> "Oh goodness...did I phrase that like a question that required your opinion? ...


 
Perfect!


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

I am astonished! In the vernacular of my Mother's generation, what a lot of nosey Parkers!

Rude ones too! :facepalm:


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

I had a friend that no matter what I talked about doing, or buying, he'd say, "Go ahead, you deserve it!"

After a while, I got po'd and would reply that I didn't DESERVE anything, except to breathe.

Get po'd thinking about it!

Mon


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

My favorites are the women who got married in high school, still married to him 40+ years, never had to work outside the home unless they got bored with hobbies. Their husbands turn their paychecks over to them, do exactly what's asked, and always protect the family.

These women ALWAYS tell single women, "You don't need a man, why do you think you need a man in your life? You don't need one." Not all of them do that, but when they do we roll our eyes. I'm glad the young women ignore them. 

They're right up there with the spinsters poking at ya asking when you're gonna get married. You NEED a man!

Perspectives brought home from family gatherings that make us giggle.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Not a single issue, but the constant, "Why do you want horses, why do you NEED horses? They're so expensive and time consuming! They stink and draw flies!"

Because I have daughters and I don't have to worry about my them drinking and running their horses 120 mph down the highway at midnight. Horses are cheap!


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

"Silly Girl! It's because I'm single that I can HAVE these things without asking anyone's permission." You could add "Bless your heart" if you felt so inclined.

Mary


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## lazyBum (Feb 27, 2012)

My old house is 950 square feet. More than enough room for me. My new old farmhouse is 2800 square feet. Everybody keeps saying you have no kids, youre not married, no girlfriend, not even any pets. Why do you need so much space? I tell them i bought 10 acres and 10,000 square feet of barn space, it came with a free house. Im currently living out of two rooms, more if you count the ones i walk through to get to the bedroom.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

Alice Kramden said:


> I will not let anyone control me. I get a hint that someone thinks they can, my hackles go up..


Uncle Sam wants control of you! Does that raise your hackles?


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## sherekin1261 (Mar 17, 2004)

I hear that kind of thing all the time, especially since my 2nd husband picked up and left after 12 years of, what I thought, was a perfect marriage and family. 

Seems I should stop living and doing what I want according to some. NOT! In addition I home school my son, so there is grief of all sorts for that.

My first husband, whom I stuck with for 21 years was a monster. My second attempt left after 12 years, so Im pretty done with the whole idea of ever meeting anyone worth my affection again.

While I will admit I hate being alone ( I was one of those that loved being married and adored the family we had) my son is my focus now. To me, he is all that really matters now.


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## Fair Light (Oct 13, 2010)

Apparently I have a lot of "well meaning" controlling people in my life. The ones that do not make those kinds of comments are my three grown children....so that's good....I can easily ignore all the others. I was even told that my commute to my job was too far and u should find something close by because a minimum wage job close by is better than my higher paying job 30 miles away. It's funny though... That the people that give these kinds of advice all live in big really nice houses and would never do what they advise you to do.... Gotta get going now to my better than minimum wage job...have a good day all.


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## Alice Kramden (Mar 26, 2008)

Little Joe, it does indeed. 

I long to live in a free country again.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Do you find that it's mostly married people who make these types of comments (to single people)?


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## homefire2007 (Sep 21, 2007)

A little of both. Most of the well-meaning (?) advice I got through the years focused on my children and how and what I needed to do. Raising two boys on very little money meant they didn't have what it seemed like every other child had. The judgement and disapproval at times was hurtful and maddening. Youngest just graduated high school last week, somehow the kids and I managed to do it in spite of dire predictions. They are well-adjusted members of society and pretty much my best friends :banana: Not having a playstation until ten years after everyone else did, did not stunt their growth!


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## homefire2007 (Sep 21, 2007)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Do you find that it's mostly married people who make these types of comments (to single people)?


Yes. Although happy that they have not had some of the financial and emotional challenges I have had...it would have been nice to have some positive input!


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## ceresone (Oct 7, 2005)

Try being a "old-er?) woman, a widow, and you hear, you don't need that big a house, you should sell the farm, you shouldn't have such a big garden, you shouldn't still can.... When I stop, I die


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

same here Ceresone. I think if I give up what I'm doing I'm finished. they might as well measure me for a box. my son told me today I tire him out just watching me. not sure what it is I'm doing . I have no animals but I'm always working at something. 

I left the city today at 6am. got to the country and started rakeing what I had mowed on Saturday. raked for a couple hours then started mowing again. when the men finished cutting down the tree I gathered everything that went in the ditch . packed all that up for Saturday to take to the burn pile. came back in to the city around 1pm.or so. made a couple lemon loaves and choc. chip cookies. watered all my flowers and veggies and finished staining the deck side. I guess i'll slow down someday but that day isn't here yet. Georgia.


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

newfieannie said:


> same here Ceresone. I think if I give up what I'm doing I'm finished. they might as well measure me for a box. my son told me today I tire him out just watching me. not sure what it is I'm doing . I have no animals but I'm always working at something.
> 
> I left the city today at 6am. got to the country and started rakeing what I had mowed on Saturday. raked for a couple hours then started mowing again. when the men finished cutting down the tree I gathered everything that went in the ditch . packed all that up for Saturday to take to the burn pile. came back in to the city around 1pm.or so. made a couple lemon loaves and choc. chip cookies. watered all my flowers and veggies and finished staining the deck side. I guess i'll slow down someday but that day isn't here yet. Georgia.


:shocked:

Georgia, just thinking about you doing all that gives me burn-out. No wonder your son gets tired out from watching you. :hysterical: You are a real going concern, all the more power to you and keep on trucking on! :thumb:


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

homefire2007 said:


> Yes. Although happy that they have not had some of the financial and emotional challenges I have had...it would have been nice to have some positive input!



Do you think most of the time these comments are made in ignorance (not like whoooo dang you are stupid, but totally oblivious to reality) because they 'think' they are giving helpful advice?

Would you say that it's pretty easy to tell the difference between an 'oblivious' comment and a 'malicious' comment?


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## Twobottom (Sep 29, 2013)

Nobody ever said anything like that to me when I was single that I can recall. My family always encouraged all the younger people to buy as big a house as we can afford from an investment standpoint.

But I have noted that 'out there' there is a point of view from many married family types that their needs and lives are more important than those of single people. I remember being a little irked when presidential candidate Rick Santorum told Ron Paul "Its not about the individual, its about the family". So what was I? A subclass of citizen?

And when those children grow up, guess what they will be? Individuals. Guess what mom and dad were before they married? Individuals. Whats the point of raising a family and saying how important they are if they cease to be important once they have grown?

I think its really just a matter of everyone trying to put themselves in a class above the other guy."I'm more important because I chose to have a baby". Baloney.


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

Life Changes; No one has ever told me I "need" to do anything, but here I am with a house full of things, a barn full of things, pasture full of things and I'm ready to sell and move into a condo, buy a smaller place and garden if I choose. What will I do with all these "things?" 

If I died tonight my kids could do nothing other than have gigantic yard sale and give away my "things". Barb sure doesn't want or need them. 

I've had pneumonia twice now in two years. This time the garden grew up in weeds, some waist high. All the beets, turnips, potatoes, beans, tomatoes, peppers, cabbages, broccoli, cauliflower etc etc are hidden. I will go hunt a couple of onions for supper in a bit. I picked part of a row of corn (I can find that) this morning, and dug a few new potatoes for supper. May as well mow it or turn in the cattle. 

But in fact I can harvest a bunch if I bother to wade thru the grass.


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## Lostinthewoods (Mar 19, 2013)

I only have a little bit of that trouble, and from family so I try not to let it bother me, though it can be very frustrating. I can't understand how it's anyone's business how many dogs I have??? Which is 3 (on 35 acres) now that I rescued a husky/lab pup. And I often watch the culprits 2 dogs because they go out of town, while I never have asked them to watch the farm at all. It doesn't make sense for me to get mad about something so idiotic, but I still want to slap my brother's face. A little bit. Then a little bit more. Maybe one more time...


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