# Age differences in a relationship



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

I am seeing a woman that is 12 years younger then me. She is fine with the age gap. I am a little uncomfortable with the age gap.

What do you think is too much of an age gap for lovers in a relationship?


----------



## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

12 years is nothing. I would not even blink twice with it.


----------



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

As long as it is legal, whatever works for the couple. In my case I think I would have most in common with someone about 7 years either way....but I am sure there are exceptions.


----------



## hercsmama (Jan 15, 2004)

Dh and I are 10 years apart, been married for 28 years, quite happily. DD and SIL are 9 years apart, just had their 9th anniversary.


----------



## Darren (May 10, 2002)

If she doesn't have a problem, why do you? I dated one lady 6 years younger. Everyone else was older up to 15 years.


----------



## JohnnyLee (Feb 13, 2011)

I have dated some that were up to a 17 years younger.

BUT - I have come to find out that I really like women around my age (45) or maybe a bit older :rock:.

They are more mature, know what they want out of life, more in common, more laid back, easy going (for the most part). It's all good! :angel:


----------



## TRellis (Sep 16, 2013)

I remember hearing somewhere that a general rule is half your age plus seven years. 

So if a person is 50 years old then anyone 32 or older is acceptable (.5 X 50 = 25 .... 25 + 7 = 32).

That does not sound too bad.

TRellis


----------



## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

I like younger men because they can keep up with my sense of humor and work ethics, but I also enjoy mature men cause I dont have to teach them anything in bed.

So live your life and be happy.


----------



## TenBusyBees (Jun 15, 2011)

Age is just a number. My stepdad is 14 years older than my mom...they are going on 30 years now.


----------



## Bret (Oct 3, 2003)

I did not check these facts, but I remember a fun story about the late Xavier Cugat. It is alleged that when asked if being married to Charo, who was much younger, was dangerous, he replied, "if it kills her it kills her." 

Age diminishes with time.


----------



## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

I think it's more a matter of the maturity level of then individuals involved, and common goals & values. My dear, departed Roger was 13 yrs my senior, and we were good.


----------



## Tommyice (Dec 5, 2010)

Fowler said:


> I like younger men because they can keep up with my sense of humor and work ethics, but *I also enjoy mature men cause I dont have to teach them anything in bed.*
> 
> So live your life and be happy.



The young ones may not know what they're doing, but they sure can do it all night long


----------



## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Tommyice said:


> The young ones may not know what they're doing, but they sure can do it all night long


Amen sista!!:grin:


----------



## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

I have always dated older men. DH is only 6 years older than me though.


----------



## homemaid (Apr 26, 2011)

My husband is 17 years older than me. We have been married almost 34 years. Age is only a number..


----------



## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

The last X is there bouts 9 yrs older than me. We stayed married twice the length of the other 2 put together


----------



## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

If she was the right woman for you CB, age would have never crossed your mind.


----------



## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

tambo said:


> If she was the right woman for you CB, age would have never crossed your mind.


Couldn't have said it better myself!!!!! When you know, you just know....and you don't need the opinion of others. 
Just enjoy the moment and go with the flow!


----------



## NoClue (Jan 22, 2007)

Age differences can be a valid concern, depending on the sort of relationship you have or are intending to have. Even if, in the casual stage, age isn't an issue, it might be in a permanent relationship, when you're 70 and she's still in her 50's. The solution, of course, is to talk about it, until both of you are comfortable.

I've had similar questions of my own about age difference lately. I've only recently started dating, and focused on women 'my age' - that is, staring 50 in the eyes. There have been three (one a month?) but already there's a theme developing. They may think I'm pretty cool, but the fact that my children are young - 8 and 5 - is a deal breaker. They've got their kids out of the house, or nearly so, and they're done with the mom thing and don't want to do it over again.

The idea was put to me, by a younger woman no less, that I should be looking at younger women. Although I haven't yet figured out why, the idea is a little unsettling. That's even before I get to questions like 'how much younger?', etc.


----------



## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Yep if you got kids, I'm out! I dont like baby momma drAAAma, also I am done with raising kids, I have grandkids and can send them home when I am done spoiling them.

So Yes you may have better luck with a younger woman, just expect to be raising 3 kids eep:


----------



## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

12 years is really only a problem if you are 22 and she is 10!!! :smack


----------



## NoClue (Jan 22, 2007)

I don't have a problem raising kids. I'm a dad. It's what I do and I enjoy it.


----------



## Bellyman (Jul 6, 2013)

My wife is ten years older. It works GOOD!!!


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

tambo said:


> If she was the right woman for you CB, age would have never crossed your mind.


Yeah, that notion crossed my mind. I do love her very much though.


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Well, the thing is that she is very young and pretty and she will be young and pretty for a very long time, while I am getting older and starting to look old and one day I might just look too old to hold her interest anymore and she will run off with some younger guy close to her age. Maybe she would maybe she wouldn't but the fear is still there. 

Yes, my concerns are shallow and based on appearances. Otherwise, we get along well. She is fine with my age and her family is fine with it.

I am being silly I think. My grandfather was 50 when he married my grandmother who was 34 at the time and they had a baby three years later. She was a stunning redhead with emerald green eyes and he was grumpy bald guy (like me), haha, but they were very in love.


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

TRellis said:


> I remember hearing somewhere that a general rule is half your age plus seven years.
> 
> So if a person is 50 years old then anyone 32 or older is acceptable (.5 X 50 = 25 .... 25 + 7 = 32).
> 
> ...


Interesting, never heard of this. Is this old folk wisdom? 

She is exactly half my age plus seven. She is also rabbit in Chinese astrology like me.


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

shanzone2001 said:


> Couldn't have said it better myself!!!!! When you know, you just know....and you don't need the opinion of others.
> Just enjoy the moment and go with the flow!


I am getting too old to meander with the flow. The flow blows with the wind and the wind blows restless without roots. I am looking for firm ground to dig roots into.

You are right I do not need the opinions of others but I would like to hear other people's thoughts and experiences so I can broaden perspective and make wiser choices.


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

noclue, my female neighbor was in her early 30's and she married an older man with two teens. They seem happy together. Her husband is mellow and friendly.
They also had their own child together a five years after marriage.

Maybe you can look for women in their mid 30's who are eager to beat the biological clock, settle down, and start a family.


----------



## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

City Bound said:


> I am getting too old to meander with the flow. The flow blows with the wind and the wind blows restless without roots. I am looking for firm ground to dig roots into.
> 
> You are right I do not need the opinions of others but I would like to hear other people's thoughts and experiences so I can broaden perspective and make wiser choices.



I get that. Just make sure she wants what you want as far as a committed relationship. That is far more important than the age difference.

I am glad you found someone you love and if she is the right one for you, she will love you even more as you grow older, not less!!!


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

tambo said:


> If she was the right woman for you CB, age would have never crossed your mind.


I had to think about what you said some more.

True, but, I have been with a few women in my past who I believed were the right woman for me who's age or personality flaws never crossed my mind because I was in love and it proved to be very bad judgment on my part in the end. What would have been very easy for a sober minded person to predict was completely obscured to me with my heads (haha did not notice that unintentional pun in my typo) in the clouds and eyes full of hearts and stars.

Prudence prevails.


----------



## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

Who is Prudence???? :angel:


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

shanzone2001 said:


> I get that. Just make sure she wants what you want as far as a committed relationship. That is far more important than the age difference.
> 
> I am glad you found someone you love and if she is the right one for you, she will love you even more as you grow older, not less!!!


She wants the same thing, but we need to give it time. If we truly do end up wanting to marry then a two year engagement would be wise. A two hear engagement is enough time to sift the sands together to see if we have any gold or not.

Thank you. You are right, true love grows stronger and more endearing with time. I hope it is true love.


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

shanzone2001 said:


> Who is Prudence???? :angel:


haha. Not sexual prudence. Just over all temperance and caution. Trying to use some foresight.


----------



## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

I am really happy for you CB. 

I wish you a lifetime of love
Happiness that never ends
Songs of laughter
Warmth of family and friends

I wish you days that are bright
And filled with dreams
A world of faith and hope
And joy that&#8217;s everlasting
I wish you constant peace
And good days ahead
You deserve this and more
My dear sweet friend


----------



## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

Sniff Sniff (wiping my tears)

That was really sweet, Fowler. You are a class act, my friend!!!


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Thank you Fowler. And I wish the same for you.


----------



## TRellis (Sep 16, 2013)

City Bound said:


> Interesting, never heard of this. *Is this old folk wisdom?*


I am not sure. It is just one of those things that I once heard as a general rule for determining what was a socially acceptable age difference.

I heard this about half my age plus seven years ago or so. :happy2:

TRellis


----------



## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

My S/O was 17 years older than me. He was retired, I wasn't, his health was not the best, we had some close calls with it, and he did pass away. We were together 15 years and extremely happy. He did miss me everyday when I went to work, and he'd be at the door with a big hug when I got home. His kids were wonderful to me. I knew someday I'd lose him, and even with that knowledge, I miss him terribly. RIP Sweetheart.


----------



## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

Dear Prudence-won't ya come out to play--hehhehehe:whistlin:it's a brand new day-hehehe-Beatles*


----------



## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

TRellis said:


> I am not sure. It is just one of those things that I once heard as a general rule for determining what was a socially acceptable age difference.
> 
> I heard this about half my age plus seven years ago or so. :happy2:
> 
> TRellis


Talk about a confusing subject? Math always kicks my ass! Being as dyslexic as I am, I don't know whether to pursue 20 year olds or 100 year olds? The numbers keep shifting???


----------



## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Ask Zong, he is the newest newly wed who married someone much much younger then him. Ask him what he thinks about the entire age gap issue.


----------



## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Me, I could care less about someones age, but as I am aging I am learning that men much older then I am are slowing way down and I am not slowing down. More like going at warp speed ahead and so younger men are starting to look more attractive. 

Oh, who am I kidding, I have kinda made up my mind to never date again, rather build up my property and work on building my tiny house. I won't have time to even think about men, older or younger.


----------



## Jim-mi (May 15, 2002)

Prudence is hiding in the closet . . . . . . . . .again.


----------



## summerdaze (Jun 11, 2009)

Does she share the same core values that you do? Do you agree on foundational stuff? (Politics, religion, and whatever else may be extremely important to you) Is she a woman of faith? Or was she just nice and pretty and young and you were able to overlook the foundational stuff for now? Lots of people do that, but the important foundational things also keep coming back to mind, and eventually it will have to be dealt with. It's HOW you deal with it that matters.
If you 2 are in agreement with the things that you feel are the most important in a relationship, then age would take a back seat. If you AREN'T in sync with the core values, then age STILL takes a back seat to the more important issues at hand. 
You have love, and that is powerful. It means that you don't have to give up on somebody just because you think that maybe they aren't perfect in every way for you right now.. If you're already hooked, and sounds like you are, enjoy the love you have. You may be able to teach her a lot just from the love you show to her.


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

I hear what you are saying Daze. Core values are the rock that everything rest on. Compatible temperaments are also extremely important as well for finding harmony and understanding.

Shared dreams and goals are important also because there is only so much energy and resources in a relationship and if both people have vastly different goals nether goal will likely to be attained. Two people with the same goal can team up to be stronger and smarter.


----------



## Guest (Oct 30, 2013)

Age is pretty much irrelevant, I think energy levels are much more so. For instance, if you're a person who bangs around outside 12 hours a day, with a couple minute trip inside for whatever every half hour or so, you'll not mesh up good with someone who sits in front of a computer 16 hours a day. If you like sex a couple times a day, you'll not be happy with someone who likes it once a month. If you're fairly normal, you'll not be happy with someone who dresses up in a porkypine suit and likes to get beat with a bag of boiled cucumbers. 

It's really nice to have someone with compatible intellect capacities, although not always possible. I can't help it if I'm lucky.

The biggest thing is whenever someone looks at you and thinks "Hm, I can take that guy and mold him into the perfect man for me" Run, and run til you drop, then crawl. Get as far away as possible and never look back.

I despise being around someone who agrees with me on everything. Without any possibility of differing views, your thought process will dry up into a bag of used platitudes.


----------



## BoldViolet (Feb 5, 2009)

My husband is 15 years older than I am. It doesn't even cross my mind.


----------



## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

zong said:


> Age is ...
> 
> I despise being around someone who agrees with me on everything. Without any possibility of differing views, your thought process will dry up into a bag of used platitudes.


I agree completely!

146%!


----------



## SimplerTimez (Jan 20, 2008)

City Bound said:


> I am seeing a woman that is 12 years younger then me. She is fine with the age gap. I am a little uncomfortable with the age gap.
> 
> What do you think is too much of an age gap for lovers in a relationship?


I think it pretty much depends on the two people and how _they_ feel. Some people are mature when young and other people are antique when they are my age. 

But I think it is wise to consider all aspects, even the insecurities. They are all part of the reality of the entirety of the relationship, and should be examined.

Best wishes 

~ST


----------



## RideBarefoot (Jun 29, 2008)

Age difference I have absolutely no problem with, though I prefer older. Can't stand the pretty boys!

Biggest problem for me is finding someone who understands my horse addiction. The next guy MUST have his own horse, and ride said horse well.

Forgot to stay on topic! Roll with it, CB, age is just a number- the heart is what matters


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Try a Horse Addict Anonymous group, you might find a nice guy there.

Thank you.


----------



## Terri (May 10, 2002)

City Bound said:


> I am getting too old to meander with the flow. The flow blows with the wind and the wind blows restless without roots. I am looking for firm ground to dig roots into.
> 
> You are right I do not need the opinions of others but I would like to hear other people's thoughts and experiences so I can broaden perspective and make wiser choices.


Ah.

From a woman's point of view, as people age men look more distinguished and women look older. I have heard women saying this for years as they sighed over Robert Redford or whoever. I tend to agree with this: perhaps because I find men in general to be the more attractive gender? I do not know. I do know that, in my opinion, the lines in my husbands face give him character while the lines in my own face make me look older. 

Age is just a number but life experience is not. As a daughter of a couple who were 7 years apart in age I know that each person has to accept the differences: My Dad came home from WW2 and my Mom had been working in her Fathers store. He never EVER treated her like she was less than he was: he treated her like she had one set of skills and he had another. They have been very happy together: They have been married for 61 years.

My 20 year old DD is attracted to older men. Well, that is her bit. She broke up with her old BF, not because he was 12 years older, but because she wants children and he does not. Tomorrow she is flying to Texas where a gent who is 10 years older than her has gotten her a job where he works. I suspect that there will either be fireworks, :kissy: or fireworks:stars:. I do know she is hoping for:kiss:

If you are the sort of person that your GF prefers, then you are the sort of person that she prefers! Why would you feel uncertain about something that she may consider to be a bonus?


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

I don't know terri. I was just guessing from the modern day youth culture that younger people were 1,000 times more shallow and vain then the youth of the past. Every generation is vain and self centered in their youth but many of the modern day young ones scare me with the way they think. Silly stuff, like they can't have any body hair because body hair is gross (so they shave their whole body), or they expect themselves and others to have perfect teeth or they are not complete person, or everyone has to be rich or middle class and magically they can wave a magic wand and spend like they are middle class when they are not. 

Just silly stuff. Especially how I have seen so-called adults even acting so cheaply, divorcing their husband or wife because they got fat or became ugly with age, or lost their job and had to take a less paying job to get by. People toss another person away for such cheap reasons and their justification seems to be that they deserve to be happy in life. We all need to be happy in life but life is never a walk in the park all day, every day. 

Tell your parents I said congadulations on being married for 61 years. They won't know me from a hole in the wall but at least they will know some stranger admires their commitment to their marriage vows and their family.

Good luck to your daughter, hope she finds the good fire works.

Skill sets, yeah I have been thinking about that lately. Taking the dynamics to form good team work. Funny how silly stupid things mean nothing. Things I thought were important to a couple really are not, like having lived through the same cultural decade and having shared memories of the good old days to warm your feet by as time marches on. She has never seen most of the movies, tv shows, or heard most of the bands and songs I grew up with and that is ok because all those things really mean nothing in the end, they are just silly amusements and distractions. She is not even interested in homesteading but she knows how to tend a garden and she is the kind of woman that would gladly be helpful if we lived on a homestead. I am starting to see how shallow I have been, which is progress.


----------



## Terri (May 10, 2002)

When I was growing up youth was PLENTY shallow and materialistic, but the young man I married was not. Do not worry about the you culture, only regard your girlfriend!

And, give it a few months. There is an old saying, "Love will find a way". If it is love then the two of you will find a way to make it work: My dream was to disappear into the mountains and live like a hermit, while the man I married wanted to design cities and watch them grow. He was a great admirer of the loft apartment! That is a HUGE gulf to cross, but because we loved each other we found a way to make it work. 

Only time will tell you if it is love, and only time will let you really know her. From what you have told us, this is a person who is worth taking the time to get to know.


----------



## Terri (May 10, 2002)

When I was growing up youth was PLENTY shallow and materialistic, but the young man I married was not. Do not worry about the you culture, only regard your girlfriend!

And, give it a few months. There is an old saying, "Love will find a way". If it is love then the two of you will find a way to make it work: My dream was to disappear into the mountains and live like a hermit, while the man I married wanted to design cities and watch them grow. He was a great admirer of the loft apartment! That is a HUGE gulf to cross, but because we loved each other we found a way to make it work. 

Only time will tell you if it is love, and only time will let you really know her. From what you have told us, this is a person who is worth taking the time to get to know.


----------



## sherry in Maine (Nov 22, 2007)

Chiming in late, here.
My late dh was 15 years older than me. Many folks made a stink about it at first; we met when I was 23, he was a months or so shy of 38..... We never really discussed the age difference. Matter of fact, I had forgotten exactly how much older he was than I am (other stuff happening that made our age difference completely unimportant) until the other day, when I was thinking about his birthday, in December.
This time around; I'm a lot older. I want someone who is my equal, and considers themselves just that. Not better, not lesser, not the 'leader' (although sometimes it's good to let someone lead for a while, if they have knowledge you dont have about something in particular) and certainly not the 'follower' (but sometimes it happens once in a while.)
I'm in a different place; I have owned homes/property, raised (still am raising) kids, gone through all sorts of hell, and some happy times.
When first started dating again, met a man who was same age as dh when he died. Shortly after, I began to understand it was time for a guy closer to me, generationally. I think each generation has it's own 'attitudes' and 'beliefs' and generally speaking its' own 'world view' of things in general. (wow, is the word 'general' used enough here?)
So, said 'bye' to the older guy. (late hub's birthday in dec. ---he'd have turned 71, if he'd have lived) and I have a friend who is just a few months older than I.
We have pretty much the same attitude about lots of things, and I am not treated like a substandard person, because at this time in life, I know I have value. In my 20s, I didn't understand that.
Here's what I mean to say, CB-- despite your differences in generations, experiences, certainly be her protector, and her lover. Remember to always be her partner, not her parent, her superior, her critic or undermine her in anyway.
Be her 'rock' and she'll be your support, too. (this may require practice, sometimes it takes a while) 
Something late dh didn't understand was that you cant consider yourself a 'maverick' and still be part of a team. Team work requires support from each other.
Is anyone still awake?


----------



## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

I am still awake. Thanks.

Regardless of age I would never treat someone like they are less then me. if I thought they were less then me I would never be interested in them and if someone thought I was less then them I would be turned off. 

I am an egalitarian not an authoritarian type of person. I like the power devided 50/50 in a relationship. I crave synergy in all my relationships. 

I might mess this saying up but:

Don't walk behind me,
Don't walk ahead of me,
Simply walk by my side.


----------



## horselogger (Jan 9, 2004)

littlejoe said:


> Talk about a confusing subject? Math always kicks my ass! Being as dyslexic as I am, I don't know whether to pursue 20 year olds or 100 year olds? The numbers keep shifting???


 that this isn't a word problem where johnny is five times older than sue who has a blue car...lol


----------

