# Thinking about divorce



## kimberlybbb (Dec 28, 2012)

I have been married for 22 years. I have been thinking about divorcing my husband. I want to know from the people who get divorced how the judge figures out who gets the kids. I have a 16 and a 6 year old. I homeschool both kids. My husband said he would fight to get the girls. My husband would rather go out after work and drink then come home. He is verbal, mental and emotional abusive to me. I only work part time. I don't know what to do. I am afraid he would get the kids because I don't make a lot of money. Help.


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## TxGypsy (Nov 23, 2006)

It varies by state. You need to become familiar with the laws in your state. With that many years of marriage you will likely end up with alimony and child support....again, depending on what state you live in.


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## kimberlybbb (Dec 28, 2012)

My husband thinks if he has joint custody, he won't have to pay child support. I live in Michigan.


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

go see a lawyer before you do or say anything .


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## TxGypsy (Nov 23, 2006)

Doing a quick google search I came up with this page. Google is your friend. Educate yourself now.

http://cordellcordell.com/resources/michigan/michigan-child-custody-questions/

Child support in Michigan is calculated using the Michigan Child Support Formula. This formula uses both parentsâ incomes, the number of overnight visits each parent has with the child per year, and the child care and health care expenses each party pays to determine how much child support is needed.

Child support is almost always awarded to the parent who has the most overnight visits. The amount of child support will depend on the numbers input into the formula.


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## dizzy (Jun 25, 2013)

Do you have any proof of his abuse when he's drunk? That's something that can go a long way towards determining who gets the kids.


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## Kristinemomof3 (Sep 17, 2012)

Have you tried counseling?


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## kimberlybbb (Dec 28, 2012)

He doesn't have to be drunk to be abusive. I have an older son who is 21. All my kids hear the abusive behavior. The two older kids wants me to divorce him. He won't go to counseling. I have been going to talk to my pastor for the last 6 months. He said I need counseling because I have the problem. I left him for a short time. He has not changed at all. He says and does things just to stay on my good side.


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## handymama (Aug 22, 2014)

16 year old will get to pick who they want to go with. That's usually the case with any child over twelve. You will probably have to fight in mediation over primary custody of the six year old. I'd try to record the abuse somehow. It'd knock him outta primary custody for sure, and get you alimony.


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## Bellyman (Jul 6, 2013)

Sorry to hear you're going through this situation. Having gone through a divorce, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I also know that there is definitely life after divorce, too. 

Hang in there.


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

You do not want to post too much detail of your legal plans online in any social media forums or networks as all attorneys make use of data mining to whatever degree needed in working their cases now.

As social media has been known to affect job opportunities, it also can be used to affect how individual situations brought into the legal arena are played out.


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## handymama (Aug 22, 2014)

And if you can get the 21 year old and sixteen year old to testify about how you have all been treated, you may not have to fight over the six year old at all.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I never had to pay alimony on my 3. Just separate maintenance till the divorce was final and then CS


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## handymama (Aug 22, 2014)

Yea, but were you abusive?


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Call your local Abuse hotline and speak with an advocate in your area. There are many services available to you. Start smiling, it's beautiful on this side of suck.


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

kimberlybbb said:


> He doesn't have to be drunk to be abusive. I have an older son who is 21. All my kids hear the abusive behavior. The two older kids wants me to divorce him. He won't go to counseling. I have been going to talk to my pastor for the last 6 months. He said I need counseling because I have the problem. I left him for a short time. He has not changed at all. He says and does things just to stay on my good side.



Would he see a counsellor rather than a pastor?

Men like him usually threaten to get custody of the kids because it's another way to manipulate and control but very few ever do and no judge will give an abusive person custody of the kids. 

See a lawyer and discuss things like child support, custody, alimony, matrimonial assets, etc and concentrate on getting your ducks on a row. 

I assure you it's not easy to make that first move but like is so much sweeter once you do.


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## farmgal (Nov 12, 2005)

Aww I'm sorry you have to go through this. In New York they won't take children from the mother unless she has big issues like very abusive, major mental disorder or drug addiction. 

Get a lawyer in private, a good lawyer. Your making a good decision. Life is too short to waste it on people who don't appreciate us. For your children's sake also.


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## kimberlybbb (Dec 28, 2012)

handymama said:


> Yea, but were you abusive?


No, I was not abusive or am abusive. When he starts on his tantrums I don't say much. It just makes things worse. He always turns things around and blames me for everything. I don't call him names or belittle him, like he does to me.


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## handymama (Aug 22, 2014)

No dear, I was poking fun at farmboybill, where he said he never paid alimony.
Your husband sounds kinda like my ex lol.


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

If you feel you need to get a divorce, get a lawyer.


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## moldy (Mar 5, 2004)

Check with your friends and get a good lawyer. When I was debating divorce, I went to see a lawyer. She drew up all the paperwork, but because I wasnt' sure; nothing was filed until I told her to.

I"ll be praying for you. And folks are right: Be very very careful what you post. Assume that everything you have online will be used against you in every way possible.


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## krackin (Nov 2, 2014)

If you or your children are being abused it MUST be reported to your local police, State Police, Sheriff's Dept. etc. This is what starts documentation of abuse. This is not an option. Things will not improve without intervention. I have spent 10 years as a volunteer advocate for abused children and this fact I do know. Once you have documentation of abuse, there are avenues that are open to you. You must have the courage to protect your own and report the abuse. There is no other way, unless you end it yourself. I don't recommend attempting that if you may fail.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

kimberlybbb said:


> No, I was not abusive or am abusive. When he starts on his tantrums I don't say much. It just makes things worse. *He always turns things around and blames me for everything*. I don't call him names or belittle him, like he does to me.



http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/narcissistic-personality-disorder/

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/sociopath-symptoms-of-a-sociopath.html

www.bpdfamily.com
*
CALL AN ABUSE HOTLINE AND SEEK OUT AN ADVOCATE*
http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/michdv.shtml

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/about.shtml


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## FarmTechnician (Dec 25, 2014)

kimberlybbb said:


> My husband thinks if he has joint custody, he won't have to pay child support. I live in Michigan.


Michigan is one of those states that has both extremes of sexism and equality is custody cases. For instance it's not unheard of to hear of a man who's wife cuckolded another man's child and is forced to pay child support upon separation, or giving the house to the children and making the parents have visitation of the house. I have a stack of paperwork from the Bay City Courts from my oldest. To be honest, if you want the kids, you are going to have to play it dirty. Yes, you do have the upper hand being the woman (the court system is very sexist, ask any of the divorced dads) but it will only get you so far. I won my case, but that's because I had several family witnesses, CPS documentation, drug charges, etc. to help me. He's safe with his grandparents who have guardianship as our separation destroyed any positive environment to raise our son. People think they have relationship issues, until they have kids.... 

Just lawyer up. No way around it. Catalog and inventory your belongings, what you want to keep and give away (be prepared for a fight over that too).

....And now you know why I am single! LOL!


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## unregistered358895 (Jul 15, 2013)

Regarding him saying he will keep the kids to prevent paying child support - my father said this to my mother and made her so afraid of saying anything bad against him that she STILL doesn't say anything negative about him (us kids are both in our 30's). When he did finally allow the divorce, she kept us but he refused to pay child support. Whenever we needed anything he'd threaten to take custody of us. He had a very well paying job and we lived in absolute poverty because she was afraid to file for support with the courts, and when they did get wind of the situation through a school service worker, was too afraid to notify them when he didn't make payments.

There is NO WAY he ever would have won custody as he was an abusive partner/parent. If my mom would have just stood up for us, things could have been vastly different. Please, understand that he is only using those as threats to manipulate you into staying or to avoid his own financial "hardship". As others have said, document anything you can, contact your local abuse helpline for advice and support, and stand up for yourself and your children.


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## RedEarth (Sep 21, 2005)

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you've tried, with counseling and such, and I admire that, but I also really admire someone who knows when it's time to move on, and it sounds like it is. 

You're really afraid of the unknowns with divorce, which makes sense. It's good to find out what is most likely to happen. 

The courts want the best interests of the kids to be top priority. They want them to have access to each parent (supervised in some cases of abuse), they want to disrupt them from normalcy as little as possible and they want them to have financial support.

You are the one spending the majority of time with them, and have the history of caring for them, even to the point of home schooling. It would be incredibly unlikely for the courts to not award you primary custody! His making more money does not at all make him more likely to get primary custody. Most likely he will get standard visitation, which is every other weekend, and one weeknight per week. You can find Michigan's information on this here:
http://courts.mi.gov/administration/scao/resources/documents/publications/manuals/focb/pt_gdlns.pdf

The advice from the poster above is good. Don't let fear make life worse for you and your kids. Divorce is tough, but things can get so much better, and it sounds like you're on the right track. I agree with other posters, it's time to talk to at least one lawyer, and to talk to someone with experience advising women who've been mentally and emotionally abused. Sadly, you're not at all alone. You can do this!


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## kimberlybbb (Dec 28, 2012)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/
> 
> http://www.buzzle.com/articles/narcissistic-personality-disorder/
> 
> ...


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## RedEarth (Sep 21, 2005)

kimberlybbb said:


> The other night he told me how he hates where I have the garbage can, my cook books, and my toaster. He asked me why I do everything the hard way. He hates the salt and pepper shakers, why don't I buy better ones. Everything in the house he hates. I can't please this guy. I quit trying. He tells me I am cold to him. He makes things up all the time, I call him out on it and I am the wrong one. Lies all the time. There is no trust or respect for him.


I so relate! I was married to a guy with similar problems for 2 years. He would "reorganize" my things -enclosed recipe cabinet for example, which he did not even have any need to open. It wasn't about tidiness for him, it was about control, making me feel inadequate or worried. I would go on a work trip for a few days and he would inform me that he was going through my things. He would throw away my important things. He did all kinds of other demeaning and crazy things, too. You'll be so much happier without all that! I feel like the real me again after divorcing him.


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## handymama (Aug 22, 2014)

Oh yeah, all this!!! Mine would go through my papers snooping and throwing stuff away, would check my odometer to see if I'd went anywhere but work, would watch me make dinner, dictating how I cooked, would have to approve my outfit and hairstyle and makeup, would go through grocery bags to make sure I had only bought things he approved, would supervise how I did dishes and swept...and he wasn't the one working! Nuts, I tell ya! I dealt with nearly four years of it. And if I disobeyed I got screamed and cussed at and insulted. Finally he started on physically abusing me, and I was done.
He would also complain that I never wanted to spend time with him. No because it was like spending time with a jailer. Anything I said got picked apart to where I was either wrong or criticizing him. I couldn't even comment on the weather!


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm divorced. If I had it to do again, I would hire an attorney. They cost money but provide knowledge of how to protect yourself and any children, and serve as a buffer between you and him. 

An attorney helps YOU. Protects your assets, and will guide you thru the process. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone on your side working for you?

Sorry you are in this place. Now you will have to figure out what you want for your future. Also as someone already mentioned be careful what you say on any social media place. Could come back to hurt you.


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## qtkitty (Apr 17, 2005)

Hugs! I think everyone covered everything. Keep yourself and your kids safe!


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

No advice here about divorce. Don't know your situation other than what you've written here. Divorce is an extremely hard thing to go through! 

Everyone says lawyer up, and it's a shame that they are needed. I havn't met one that I liked! (IE) X thought she was entitled to support although no kids lived with her. She threatened to take me to court and did. Her attorney let her believe it as well, until we met at the courtroom doors. Wow! All of the sudden it was benign? Made me want to slap the pig upside the head (attorney)! I've got no use for them, even though I retained one for said court date. He could have ended it before it got that far!

My divorce wasn't settled in court. I just met her demands. I would have been better off if it had gone through court, I believe.

The only court case I have been involved in regarded a ranch sale. Common sense prevailed, and I think it usually does.

I think there is very little need for attorneys in most cases, unless making finalization documents legal, cuz they will and can screw it up!!! (Decrees, Contracts etc.) And then you better double or triple check them. THe attorneys I've been involved with, only work for themselves, although they smile and shake your hand! Thankful that it is has been limited!

Sorry...I've got a bad attitude about lots of professions and (professional people).

Divorces suck....sorry for your trials. Hopefully we learn, and hopefully it doesn't sour us.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

That last reminds me of a joke I heard the other day. 

Q: Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: Too bitter! :facepalm:


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

> Thank you so much for these links. My husband has a narcissistic personality. That article was right on. He does the same to me as people described in the article. The other night he told me how he hates where I have the garbage can, my cook books, and my toaster. He asked me why I do everything the hard way. He hates the salt and pepper shakers, why don't I buy better ones. Everything in the house he hates. I can't please this guy. I quit trying. He tells me I am cold to him. He makes things up all the time, I call him out on it and I am the wrong one. Lies all the time. There is no trust or respect for him.



You need to get to an advocate ASAP.
Abuse is more than black eyes and broken bones......
You need, need, need to get to an advocate; today! Please......


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## kimberlybbb (Dec 28, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies.


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## RideBarefoot (Jun 29, 2008)

Laura said:


> Start smiling, it's beautiful on this side of suck.


Don't have anything to add to the advice already given, other than to say-

I'm stealing this; LOVE it!


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## forestcreature (Jan 17, 2015)

Take a HUG.

Fee free to pass one along, you can never run out.

If you are missing a hug, just come back and read this.
It will be right here.


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## Homesteader1 (Oct 19, 2011)

WOW! I hate to here about divorce. I know I've been their. I do know this the first one to the court house has the very best chance. As far as the abuse goes he needs to meet some good ole country boys , they'll tighten him up in good shape. Their is no excuse for abuse. NONE! The older child you most likely meet with the judge and choose where they want to go. Personally I don't see him getting custody. I'm not a lawyer or advisor, most likely he will be ordered to pay child-support, getting it on a reg basis is another story, because of OUR SYSTEM. It will be tough for you making ends meet, but it sure beats being mentally and physically abused. I would get friends, family whatever and get some solid facts for your defense. I'm serious about who gets the the court first. Sorry for your situation.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Kimberlybbb!!

Please drop in, let us know how you are doing.
Did you get a chance to find an advocate in your area?
They are free. No charge.


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## AZHomesteader (Sep 20, 2012)

Yes it is a tough call, I'm still going thru the divorce, my soon to be x is now on her second man since she decided to leave. As far as my child goes he spends the most time living with me, AZ support is based off of who has the child the most, we agreed on a 50/50 split and it pretty much washes support, she didnt want to have to pay so neither of us is pushing for support.

At first i was shocked and devasated the my wife would just up and leave me after being together 20 years, then i had the false hope that she would come home and now i don't even want her on my farm. It's strange how a few months can change your outlook. For the most part i am happy doing my own thing and things have improved for me.

Things will and do get better like everyone says, i didn't think it would at first but it really does. I should have my finally divorce next month. And yes i was the one that filed for it not her


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

Sending good thoughts to You and Your family AZ-hoping everyone heals,


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