# Sewing anguish (help)(long)



## tallpines (Apr 9, 2003)

I need help-----not so much sewing help as psychological.
I wish there were a place to post on here for "friend's only".
(Can you tell how insecure I'm feeling today?)

Anyway~~~~~~~my current issue.

My mother-in-law is 90 and in the throes of Alzheimer's..
39 years ago she expected me to quietly enter this family and meld right into doing things HER way.
I am my own head strong person and so I did not conform to her assumptions.
She was always a hard worker and helped us out a bunch with babysitting so I could help with the farm work........but she never liked me.


She no longer remembers who I am-------but when she looks at her photograph album and she comes to a family photo that includes me, she will thump on my face and declare "I don't like her!"


She still remembers that she is a Packer fan!

With her birthday coming up I intended to (I've even purchased the fabric) to sew her a Green and Gold lap quilt.
I read someplace that Alzheimer's patients like the feel of assorted textures, and so I have a big variety of green and gold textured fabric and it was going to be backed by a Packer theme soft cotton.

But, last night I was stopped in my tracks by a growling question from my DH when I ask him if he could move his newspaper reading to another spot so I could use the table for cutting the fabric.

His question was rather simple, but with an angry, growling tone to it.
"What are you sewing anyway?"

Like, I said, It stopped me dead in my tracks!
And I thought to myself--------Yes, what AM I SEWING?
The woman never liked me. She continues to NOT LIKE me.
She may like the blanket but she has others, and she'll never know, or appreciate any effort I put into making her something.

And I have grandhildren begging me "When are you going to sew me a quilt?"

So I intend to pack up that lap quilt fabric and sew for those who like me, yes, they even LOVE me.

But now I have a TON of guilt, nay, 10 tons of guilt.

And I just need someone to tell me it's okay to forget that project and go on to sewing for my grandhildren.


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## momanto (Jan 14, 2005)

Hi - I See You Have An Angel In Your Signature.

It Is Too Late For You To Stop Being An Angel.

Sew The Lap Robe For Grandma Now. Soon She Will Be Gone And You Will Have Many More Years To Sew For The Kids.

Sew It Unto The Lord.

Mom


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

You've always known she didn't like you. You also knew that before you even started thinking about doing a quilt. Yet you researched enough to know that that bright colors and textures would be appealing. 
Could it be that you were just doing it so you could be nice to another human being whose world is getting weirder and weirder by the day? And that's admirable on it's own.

However, that said, you're right. She probably doesn't need it and won't appreciate, or even understand, the time and love you stitch into it. 
Your grandkids on the other hand, will. 

I frequently re-purpose quilts and other projects. there's nothing wrong with it. You're okay no matter how you decide to proceed, tallpines. 
Hang in there and make a quilt you like for someone who'll love it.

Look for something else that might appeal to your MIL that won't take _quite_ so much time...


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

Going on pure logic - 
I definitely agree with your thinking!
Angie


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## Baba (Aug 7, 2008)

Finish what you intended no matter the outcome. You'll feel better about youself and the projects you do in the future. You already know this.


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## PETSNEGGS (Oct 7, 2005)

tallpines, I have to say you remind me of me... I will do things like that all the time. I put so much love and time and even money into things for my sister-in-law and some others that could care less and they are in sound mind and don't even say thank you. then I get my feelings hurt and hubby gets so upset with me because he says "WHY do you do it knowing that they don't care"? I do it all the time but, I am now starting to do for who will be happy with what I do. I still have to do something small for everyone but, I sure do not go all out like I used to... It is very hard for me not to but, hubby is a huge support for me and reminds me often. 
If you still feel the need to do something then may I suggest a pillow for her. You can do it with the colours and team print she likes and I'm sure she will be very happy with it and she can even display it on her bed. If she happens to be in a wheelchair by now and remembers that it was made by you she could sit on it and it would still serve a dual purpose. Sorry I couldn't resist....LOL... but really do what makes you feel good and make those Grandchildren that you love and they love you so much in return a quilt! No matter what you decide I'm sure it will be the right thing. You are a wonderful lady.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Diane, the woman never liked you, doesn't like your pic, will never like you,will never appreciate the quilt.

Go make something for one of those grandchildren who all love you!

Life is too short to waste it. Pitch the guilt too!


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

> No matter what you decide I'm sure it will be the right thing. You are a wonderful lady.


I agree. 
And only wonderful people agonize over these things.


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## deaconjim (Oct 31, 2005)

The Bible tells us that anyone can love those who are kind to them, but we are to love our enemies as well. I know you don't consider her to be your enemy, but the theory is the same. 

Your MIL will never miss what she doesn't know about, but you will miss the joy of doing something kind for a poor old soul who is living out her final days. I would make the quilt.


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## ELOCN (Jun 13, 2004)

I know how you feel -- to do good things over and over for a person who never liked you, doesn't like you now, and will not like you in the future. I don't think you should make the quilt for her. Go ahead and sew for your grandchildren who want you to make things for them. Just my own two cents.

Prayers for you and your whole family, including the mother-in-law.


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## Country Lady (Oct 2, 2003)

Ardie/WI said:


> Diane, the woman never liked you, doesn't like your pic, will never like you,will never appreciate the quilt.
> 
> Go make something for one of those grandchildren who all love you!
> 
> Life is too short to waste it. Pitch the guilt too!


My thoughts exactly.


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## TiaD (Oct 30, 2007)

I think if it were me, I would still make the quilt but instead of giving it to someone who never showed me much respect, I would instead give it to someone who might better appreciate it. There are plenty of people in nursing homes who have alzheimers who could use a lap quilt made with love - I'm sure the nurses there would know who of their patients would best benefit from it. I would see it as the senior version of Project Linus (my son got a blanket when in the NICU from that group and it still touches my heart to know that someone gave of their time and talent for a child they didn't know).


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## CJ (May 10, 2002)

I would make the quilt and give it to her. You obviously felt that it was something you needed to do... and will likely continue to feel bad if you don't follow through.

I actually think it's pretty fabulous that you made the effort to put together a project that included something she loves and something she needs, even though she doesn't like you. 

Make the quilt. It's therapeutic for you.


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## mc2rwe (Sep 29, 2008)

Make the quilt.... 

Kat


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## BusyBees2 (Dec 10, 2004)

I'd recommend making the quilt. You'll have a hard time dropping the quilt. And though she might not recognize you, the quilt, or the effort now, perhaps after you meet up with her again in heaven, she'll think differently of you.


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## sewsilly (May 16, 2004)

I, too, would make the quilt and be done with it. You don't have to do heirloom quality work, but to finish it will polish off the guilt you feel (and only a really nice, kind caring person would feel that). Somedays we do things because it's a feeling in our heart and it sounds to me that you have always been far, far more than she 'deserves'. 

It's a good, good thing that most days in life, ALL of us get more than we deserve.

You'll not regret the time spent, since you've already amassed the materials.
Whip it up, and move on....

dawn


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## Madame (Jan 1, 2003)

I'd suggest giving her the quilt but stopping after that. That way you won't feel so guilty but you'll have established a firm stopping point.


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

My heart goes out to you because I know exactly how you feel. I had the mother-in-law from h*ll. She wasn't going to come to our wedding and then did, but sobbed through the whole thing and told my family, "I buried my son today"! Believe me, life with mama was all downhill from there. She had a stroke and even when I would drive the 2 hours to go and help her, she never said a thank you or appreciated a thing I did. Only criticised it.

But, I always felt that was still my husband's mother and was due respect for that, if nothing else. There obviously was something mentally wrong within her that she just couldn't feel any compassion toward me. Although she would make me so darn mad and hurt, I believe you have to feel very sorry for someone like that. They spent their life being resentful, mean, and nasty and completely miss out on a wonderful relationship with someone that loved their child as much as they do.

You can't make things different. But you can continue to respect her as your husband's mother; realize the indifference shown to you is some sort of mental illness; and do the right thing on your part. Remember that sometimes our greatest blessings are not from those we do for, but come from God in numerous other ways because "as you do it until those, you do it unto Him". God will honor your faithfulness to your mother-in-law.


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## tallpines (Apr 9, 2003)

FYI---will begin sewing today, and I'm feeling good about it.
Thanks for your imput.

I'll try to post a photo when it's completed.


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## prairiedog (Jan 18, 2007)

I wouldn't make it. But then I have recently decided to quit trying to be what everyone thinks I should be and do my own thing. life is too short to cater to every onelse


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## Island of Blueb (Sep 20, 2005)

Hugs, tallpines.


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

prairiedog said:


> I wouldn't make it. But then I have recently decided to quit trying to be what everyone thinks I should be and do my own thing. life is too short to cater to every onelse


I'm not criticising and it's just MHO (for myself anyway), but life isn't about "me". It's about balancing our own needs and wants against other's needs and wants. I don't think we have to cater to others, but I do think we should do unto others. 

There are just times when whether we like it or; whether we feel like it or not; where another deserves it or not, you just do the right thing and put them first. 

In the Bible, when the question was raised, "Am I my brother's keeper?", God said, yes, we are.


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

WTG, Tallpines!!! :angel:
You rock!! :rock:


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## Dandish (Feb 8, 2007)

I think you made the right decision. I'm not surprised though, that's the kind of person you are (awesome!).


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## bopeep (Apr 2, 2007)

:grouphug:GOOD GIRL :grouphug:
:angel:GOD WILL BLESS YOU :angel:
bopeep


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## Garnet (Sep 19, 2003)

Make something simple like a pillow with the textures and colors of the Packers that she relates to. And let the major quilt effort be for the ones who treasure you at this point in your lives.


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## Mrs. Vet (Sep 3, 2006)

Instead of a quilt, why not lap robes? Will work for the wheel chair and when she is sitting in a chair.


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## tallpines (Apr 9, 2003)

Mrs. Vet said:


> Instead of a quilt, why not lap robes? Will work for the wheel chair and when she is sitting in a chair.


Yup---if you check my very first post you will see I've referred to it as a "lap quilt".

The top is sewn, it's been put on the quilt frame, tied and taken off the quilt frame.

Tomorrow I will put on the border and take some photos.

She already had some "granny" afghans.
This will be much more colorful and remind her of her favorite NFL football team.

And I appliqued her name with a shiney gold vinyl fabric.


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## BusyBees2 (Dec 10, 2004)

Well done, Tallpines!! Sounds perfect, and maybe if you don't tell her who it's from she'll like it! LOL (No offense please?)


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## kygreendream (Mar 20, 2007)

For different reasons we each need our own miracle. If she does not remember you then she only remember that for some reason she didnt like you. But she does, I am sure she enjoys your visits, and with love she will cuddle with your quilt. Remember while you are sewing it who she is now, and all the things she did in love not the words that came out of her mouth. My stepmom for many years hated us kids because we belonged to the other woman. 2 years ago she died from breast cancer. She waited 2 days for me to come home. The day after christmas. I was at the house and with her an hour and half, she left to go home. Then I got to do her after life care. We each need our own miracles, and for her it might be the love given in the quilt. Joyce


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## debik70 (Jun 25, 2008)

Good for you! You made the right chioce!


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## PETSNEGGS (Oct 7, 2005)

sounds so nice Tallpines and I am looking forward to seeing it.


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## Ruby (May 10, 2002)

I didn't read all the responses, I can only tell you my experience.

My MIL didn't like me either. I think she tolerated me. My then husband to be would take me to her and FIL's house. The first time I was there she never even acknowledged me. Didn't speak or even look at me. From then on when we would visit, (mostly for John to pick up his mail) I would just sit in the pickup. His dad would come out and talk but she wouldn't.

Well after we got married we moved to Cal. DH would call about once a month, but never write. Well one day I got a letter from her saying I know John won't write but maybe you could to let us know he's OK.

Well I did drop a line once in a while, but then I got pregnant. We decided to move back to TX. We stoped off at my mom and dad's house and he went on to visit his parents. Well they had a little talk, he told them about me being pregnant and they would never see the baby if I wasn't accepted. Well guess what? From then on I was part of the family, but she never did apologize. She did say she was judging me by his former ex'es. (He had been married a couple times before).

Well in '81 she got brain tumor. They removed it on Valentines day, the following May the day before mother's day she died. The last two weeks she was in the hospital I stayed with her every day and would even hand feed her. We got really close those two weeks. Her own daughter would only visit about 5 or 10 minutes a day and then sit there and watch TV instead of talking to her mother. 

The day before she died her sister's came to visit. It was lunch time and her sis. ask her if she needed help with the food. She said yes but let Ruby do it, she knows how to feed me without letting me get choked.

I have never regretted those few weeks helping me because I now have no guilt at all. All her sisters and her brother now treats me with genuine respect and her youngest sister calls me once in a while just to talk.

Sorry this was so long, but I do know what you are going through. Her dislike may not have been as bad as your MIL's but even just a little hurts.


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## tallpines (Apr 9, 2003)

Here are the photos.
The "goal post" is fake fur, there is rayon, flannel, sequins, vinyl, a glittery shag, a brocade, etc.
Lots of different textures!


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

It came out absolutely perfect, tallpines.


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## ELOCN (Jun 13, 2004)

Lots of different textures -- lots more stuff for her to complain about.


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## CJ (May 10, 2002)

Now that's just totally cool, I for one am so proud of you for completing this!


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

Wow, you did that fast!! It looks wonderful!!

I know it won't change anything with your MIL, but you did the right thing and God will bless your efforts. 

I truly admire your unselfishness and willingness to be a blessing to someone who won't return it. It's a true testament of following Jesus' teaching and turning the other cheek. You're such an inspiration!:angel:


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## PETSNEGGS (Oct 7, 2005)

I think it is perfect! I'm sure you feel so good about it and she will enjoy it so very much.


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## Pauline (Jan 28, 2003)

Tallpines it is a wonderful quilt


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