# Which do you consider more important in a mate?



## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Finding the potential perfect mate that meets all of your prerequisite list or a potential mate that meets some of your prerequisite conditions but the sure to come along differences stand a better than 50% chance of being able to be put to rest with a compromise adequate for the two in the progressing relationship?


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Hard to say. Guess ive made peace with the mate ive got who meets none of my requirements, other than she breathes, and that on a machine .


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## COSunflower (Dec 4, 2006)

That's pretty sad Bill. There must be SOMETHING that you like about her or else you wouldn't have her living with you!!!!


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## debd0712 (Aug 23, 2005)

Extremely unlikely that a person would find someone who meets all of their prerequisites. Compromise is part of life, and should be expected. However, if you feel you and the other person can work out your differences you may very likely have a future treasure.

On the other hand, if the other person must be "perfect" to start with, good luck searching - you will definitely need it.


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## summerdaze (Jun 11, 2009)

Shrek said:


> Finding the potential perfect mate that meets all of your prerequisite list or a potential mate that meets some of your prerequisite conditions but the sure to come along differences stand a better than 50% chance of being able to be put to rest with a compromise adequate for the two in the progressing relationship?


What?!?


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Shrek said:


> Finding the potential perfect mate that meets all of your prerequisite list


Finding a mate, partner, SO, spouse is not like grocery shopping. 
One can have deal breakers, but 'list' shopping for a mate is not going to work.
But you already know this!



> or a potential mate that meets some of your prerequisite conditions


There is nothing wrong with having standards, boundaries, and saying NO to certain behaviors. 
Your wording here is very passive aggressive.
All men, and All women should have self respect FIRST. 



> but the *sure to come along differences* stand a better than 50% chance of being able to be *put to rest with a compromise *adequate for the two in the progressing relationship?


Yes, if you are in a healthy relationship, there will be differences. 
That's called your identity. 
Compromise is good, healthy, and helps to strengthen healthy relationships.

Knowing the difference between healthy compromise and manipulation is essential.

Never ever feel bad, allow others to make you feel bad, for having standards, boundaries, and seek out only healthy relationships. 
It's usually those who are in unhealthy situations OR are the unhealthy party in their relationship that try to make the single person feel bad for being so "picky"........

It is they, who have the problem.


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

I am constantly fascinated when I hear the word "compromise" used as it related to a marriage relationship. It doesn't exist... or, it so rarely is even possible as to be a fabled thing... like a unicorn. One person gets what they want and the other gives in. Hopefully there is a balance between who does which when, but in most areas, there is no 'middle ground' to move to.


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

A sense of humor is an absolute must. And intelligent.


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## Ellendra (Jul 31, 2013)

I consider the use of punctuation important, particularly when it involves run-on sentences.


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## motdaugrnds (Jul 3, 2002)

ROFL Well if I actually understood the question, I might have something to say.....


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

WindowOrMirror said:


> I am constantly fascinated when I hear the word "compromise" used as it related to a marriage relationship. It doesn't exist... or, it so rarely is even possible as to be a fabled thing... like a unicorn. One person gets what they want and the other gives in. Hopefully there is a balance between who does which when, but in most areas, there is no 'middle ground' to move to.


 
That is the answer a couple who had celebrated their 52 or 53rd anniversary the week before told us.

He said the first thing he noticed about her was her eyes and the hitch in her get along and she said the first thing she noticed about him was how he paid attention to her on their first date and then turned down her offer of a second date during that first week because he had chores and plans with his friends for the next eight days but if she was available that following week, he could give her priority in his plans for that time.

To her it was special that he refused to leave anyone hanging or out of luck after looking forward to something.

During the conversation, they both said they moved along slow , simple and steady for months, then became engaged for almost a year and then married.

They also said that after they married the only way they broke their individual social commitments mixed in amongst their wedded and child rearing pursuits was in the event of a family emergency and they still do to today.

Sometimes they choose to spend their time together and sometimes they choose to follow their own pursuits and when rearing their kids some nights she stayed home with the kids , sometimes he did and of course often they both did.

Not only has it worked for them for over a half century, it also worked for four of their six kids(the other two chose to follow service in the Catholic Church).

At the end they said other than the eyes. walk, attention and commitment to others, their happy marriage really never had any prerequisites and was nothing more than 50 plus years of compromise after compromise after compromise while rearing their kids understanding that long prerequisite lists lead to nowhere but compromise and giving in to each other on as even a balance as possible made for a good relationship.

I heard this four years ago just a few months before the husband passed away. Two weeks or so ago , one of the widow's sons told me his mother at the age of 78 was pursuing a dating relationship and looking forward to a future along the same no prerequisite protocol she followed in the last century.


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

I don't feel guilty anymore for having standards and expectations in a mate. I KNOW what I bring to the table and I will not be ashamed for feeling like I at least deserve someone close to the same caliber that I am. That doesn't mean I'm perfect, I have tons of flaws! But I've never done drugs in my entire life, for instance, so someone who does drugs would be an obvious dealbreaker for me. I was actually dating an old friend from high school at one point and after dating for over a month, I found out he does a certain drug. Even though he was wonderful and a terrific match for me, I just couldn't see that being something I could live with. Some will say that's not fair or that I should look the other way... but it's my life and my expectation so.... oh well. I have made the mistake of "settling" in the past and I just won't take those chances anymore. I feel like I'm better off alone than ever putting myself in a position to have regrets.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

therunbunch said:


> I don't feel guilty anymore for having standards and expectations in a mate. I KNOW what I bring to the table and I will not be ashamed for feeling like I at least deserve someone close to the same caliber that I am.


AMEN sister.
It's stunning and amazing how both men and women say "you will always be alone if you take that line of thinking".
My reply?
OK......so be it.



> That doesn't mean I'm perfect, I have tons of flaws! But I've never done drugs in my entire life, for instance, so someone who does drugs would be an obvious *dealbreaker for me.* I was actually dating an old friend from high school at one point and after dating for over a month, I found out he does a certain drug. Even though he was wonderful and a terrific match for me, I just couldn't see that being something I could live with. Some will say that's not fair or that I should look the other way... but it's my life and my expectation so.... oh well. I have made the mistake of "settling" in the past and I just won't take those chances anymore. I feel like I'm better off alone than ever putting myself in a position to have regrets.


Self respect. 
Boundaries.
Healthy relationships.
Settling is a bad bad bad idea. 
It's like putting a wad of chewed up bubble gun in the Hover Dam to fix a leak. 
Sure, it works for a while, but you KNOW in your heart of hearts, this is NOT the way to fix the leak and it WILL fail eventually......

Spend the money, take the time, and fix the leak correctly the first time.
It takes more time and effort, but the results last a life time.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Amazing. When I was setting my standards in here, people were all saying I had to be flexable, had to compromise. Just cause I wasn't meeting the requirements of people in here. If you watch Live Free or Die, Youll find women living in harder conditions than whatever I had.
Theres somebody out there for everybody. Living long enough to find them is the problem lol


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## hawgsquatch (May 11, 2014)

I stopped looking a long time ago. Maybe someday I will find someone who makes me forget my"list". Until then, I think I'll just go hunting.


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## qtkitty (Apr 17, 2005)

I could give you a huge list of things I would like, but a few of them basically wipe out everyone in my area. You know preference for someone taller than myself and standing at 5ft9 and living in a coal area. Most guys are 5ft9 or shorter. Not smoking nor drinking or not drinking much... Yeah we are already knocked out 99.9% of guys. Add in not a total city boy or having teeth or at least dentures.. And no man lives around here like that. I know horrible. 

Instead I look at things I absolutely don't want.. No one doing drugs or that would hurt my kid mentally or physically would include hurting me. Not a lazy bum who I have to carry financially. Not overly sexual to but definitely can handle himself in the bedroom. Yeah either way I am pretty much down to 0%. Ehhhh blah


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## wildcard (Jun 19, 2013)

FarmboyBill said:


> Hard to say. Guess ive made peace with the mate ive got who meets none of my requirements, other than she breathes, and that on a machine .


What kind of machine is she on, mate? My girl had an iron long as if she were on one.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Oxygen producing machine


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## wildcard (Jun 19, 2013)

Shrek, you still haven't married?


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Window, when X and I made our agreement as to who would do what. I didn't think. Whatever she said she will do, she stays in bed and tells her home nurse/whatever she is to do it. Since she nearly all day stays in bed and since its a rather narrow hospital bed and she isn't so narrow, most things she lays down ends up on the floor of which I have to pick up. Her dang 18yr old cat pukes on the floor and if it isn't found quickly its hard to clean up. The nurse dosnt change the cats crap box bag near enough sop the cat has a 3ft lead out from the box tracked onto the floor. X has a smell that would gag a maggot sometimes, well the smell is all the time, but some times its worse than others. Theres blood spots on her bedroom floor, and she has torn out one side of the bathroom doorway in her haste to get in the bathroom in her wheel chair.
But, other than that, its pretty god lol


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Bill, could you maybe take a coffee table and cut the legs down so it would sit 6-12 inches lower than the bed, and set it right beside the bed so you don't have to bend so much?

If the cat's 18 it's almost out the door, so you won't have to wait too long.

Mon


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

She looses stuff on 3 sides of her bed. Its against 2 walls, but that don't matter. The stuff that falls onto the open floor is bad enough, but the stuff that falls between a 3 tiered table she has beside her bed, the stuff she drops behind her head and the satuff she drops between the wall and her L side is what irks me. IF she had a table as you suggest, I would have to move it before she could get up and swing her legs outa bed. I wouldn't be there in the nighttime.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Well, sorry that won't work, Bill. Hope the bed has rollers on it! Cat should only be good for a couple more years though, so bright side there.

Mon


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## Bellyman (Jul 6, 2013)

There are things that are really important to people and then there are just things that they prefer but are really no big deal.

For some, they might think that being of the same or very similar faith is important. (That means what the people involved think it means. Could be the other needs to believe in God. Could be the other needs to be an atheist. Could be the other needs to have a conservative or liberal mindset. Or dozens of other things.) For some, it may mean that the other person is capable of fulfilling the other half of a dream, such as having kids. And there could be other really important things to a person. 

And then there are things that really are just not that important. Will you drive a car or an SUV? Does it really matter? Will you go to Cracker Barrel or Olive Garden every other Tuesday? Does it really matter? Will you live in a blue house with yellow shutters or a yellow house with blue shutters? Does it really matter? Will you have a dog or a cat? Does it really matter? Do they have to be taller or shorter than you? Does it really matter? Do they have to have their own teeth or will a decent set of falsies do? Does it really matter? 

Seriously, there are things that are really important to people. And then there are things that really are not that big of a deal. Don't sweat the small stuff. It makes life so much easier.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Generally, I think, deal breakers are things that a person finds out quiet early, and are not embedded so deep that they aren't found out about Until they ARE deal breakers.

Maybe deal breaker, the term, needs to be examined and defined

Does her puppies fall to her navel, OR does his belly drop below his zipper. These are extreme examples of so called deal breakers that are found out about rather quickly.

Does either have exema or is HIV +? That's another level of so called deal breaker that's a bit harder to find out about thereby taking more time into a relationship before finding out about them and such like.

I cant think of items that would be deal breakers that might not be found out early enough, that a couple would be deep enough in a relationship for them to be called deal breakers/.

The term, TO ME, signifies that a couple has been in a rather long and close relationship when something negative has been found out about the other causing them to break the relationship

I suppose finding out one has a criminal record, is called Chester the molester by their critics, has been divorced a doz times, might be some of the things one might not find out for an extended time, and they be indeed, deal breakers.


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## Nsoitgoes (Jan 31, 2016)

To me, deal breakers are things that are fundamental and which are very deeply important to me. They are usually obvious fairly soon after meeting. I have very few actual deal breakers. If you take illegal drugs or drink excessively, those are problems I don't deal with. If you disrespect me or my family I don't need you in my life. 

Non deal breaker: you hold different political views than I do
Deal breaker: you belittle my views and insist that yours are the correct ones

Non deal breaker: your religious beliefs are very important to you
Deal breaker: you insist that I profess a faith I do not have in order to make me "acceptable" or to make you feel comfortable

I do not care if we hold opposing views, I only ask that you accept that I arrived at mine after a lot of research and analysis, as I am sure is the case with you. Mutual respect is - to me - the most important attribute of a relationship. With that and a willingness to have open, respectful communication most things can be resolved.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Hot Cross Buns, pie and a sense of humor.


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## Clem (Apr 12, 2016)

Eczema is a condition that is not contagious. It looks a lot like a poison ivy rash. 

Being shallow in your choices of a life partner is much worse than eczema. Just look around you at how well shallowness has played out. Or in a mirror, if applicable. 

Then look at people whose lives have failed because of a skin rash, or maybe "falling puppies". You're gonna have to look long and hard, reason being, there ain't any.


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## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

Check this puppy out, if you don't find him cute, that's a deal breaker for me.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

A girl with 3 puppies?????????? Don't know how id go about that LOL


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## Grizz (May 11, 2002)

breathing lol


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

I had a lot of ideas what the perfect woman was. 
Then I met my GF 

She's better.


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## Warwalk (May 25, 2011)

I think perfection is nigh on impossible. Every person has a Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde in their personality in some manner. All one can do is pick what works best for them and try to be a little flexible. 

And what seems good in the beginning can turn out poorly in time... What seems kind of rough can actually go the distance. 

A silly analogy, but it reminds me of a bed I once bought. In the showroom, I laid back on that thing and it was the height of luxury... So soft and cushy. But, a month later my back was dying! That softness was giving me no support when I needed it, and I had to change it out... Got something much firmer. Gone was the cushiness and softness, but my back felt better after about a week with this no-nonsense mattress. Since then I've graduated to a pillow top, firm underneath, and have a little of both good world's! (Silly, I know


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Oftentimes, you find that the things you most LOVE about another person is also what you hate. Too often, we don't look in THAT direction.

Mon


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

frogmammy said:


> Oftentimes, you find that the things you most LOVE about another person is also what you hate. Too often, we don't look in THAT direction.
> 
> Mon


 Funny that you mention that. A friend always complained that she hated when her late husband squeezed their tooth paste tube from the middle while she flattened it out from the end.

After she told this to her daughter and son in law, she said when they come to visit , although they have their own toothpaste in their ditty bag, she finds her tube on the counter top squeezed in the middle at least once during their visit and neither of them admit to it but she gives them both a light hearted scolding before reminiscing about her 5o plus year marriage or looking at photos.

The last time I talked to her son in law, he told me that his MIL told them a fellow she met at the local seniors hangout invited her to his house for dinner and when she went to his bathroom to wash for dinner , she noticed his toothpaste tube on the shelf over the sink squeezed in the middle and just chuckled as she washed her hands thinking maybe her late husband was sending her a sign to not give up on this guy too soon. :rotfl:


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

ya never know


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