# our son-in-law doesn't really like us..



## mamita (May 19, 2008)

there. I typed it out loud. wow..it's been a bit of a problem of late. we are the parents that jump if you call. we don't mind, and we actually feel good when we can help. SIL over the past few years seems to barely tolerate us. I know...you're thinking we butt in or overstep. nope. we don't even live close. I know all about barriers and manners. but...months can go by and when we do visit, he is just.....let's say 'moody' for a nice way to put it. we don't react, as we love our daughter. BUT..and it really is a pretty big BUT.......I don't like being stepped on either. *sigh* she is our girl. our little boys are our loves. he seems intent on making every. single. visit a bit of misery. what do you do when that happens? yes, I have tried talking to him in a totally (and I meant it with all my heart) nice way. he is passive aggressive textbook, so that didn't work at all. advice?


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

he is from England, so I even thought maybe somehow our being there for holidays and such make him homesick more. so he somehow resents us. I sent him an email once saying...please, whatever it is, I want to fix it. we love you. that blew up in my face.


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## Big Dave (Feb 5, 2006)

Hey you at least get to see yours. My family was not even invited to our sons wedding. The brides father does not like crowds. You can confront it where you can get it all out in the open or just live with it. Seems like you are dealing with it fine so far. I am no expert, but all families have different ways. Ask the questions rotarians do. Is it the truth, is it fair to all concerned,will it build GOODWILL and FREINDSHIPS and will it be benefical to all conserned. We are blessed right now as our son is stationed in Guam. Bride in tow and no in laws to bother them.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

I guess I just want to fix it somehow.  family is everything to me, so this is very, very sad to me. I felt it before, but pushed it aside. now I truly know and it hurts a great deal. no, DD doesn't see it. I tried talking softly to her, and that was all kinds of bad. I don't expect all people to like me. lol but I'm very different to my family than I may appear online. my heart aches, yet...........I'm sort of sick of him playing games. it's all so painful.


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## ArkansasLady (Jan 1, 2003)

keep the contact minimal, be pleasant when contact is necessary and accept that you won't ever have a close relationship. As long as your daughter is happy and he is good to her, that is the best thing you can do for everyone.
~C~


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Just a thought maybe you are to nice .:cowboy: Me i go with the flow if one is nice to me so am i if they are a pain so am i . 

Once when i worked at a hardware store this old guy came in always cursing .The ladies that worked on that side came over one day to get me to wait on him as he was so rude too . I said sure watch this i started out out cursing him first . That old fellow looked stunned and said hey i think you understand me pretty good . After that i was the only one he would let wait on him :help:

Point is some folks just don't respect a easy going person they look at it as a weakness eep:


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## blynn (Oct 16, 2006)

I'm really sorry for your pain. It sounds like you are nice people and that you've made many attempts to connect with him... sounds like for whatever reason, this is just how he's going to behave. Maybe he's just standoffish by nature, and it's nothing to do with you. I'd just concentrate on enjoying your time with your daughter and grandkids. Don't let his attitude cast a shadow on your family visits if you can help it. I know it's hard.


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

My hubby has Aspergers. My friends all thought he hated them. He just didn't know how to be social. Just sayin'.


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## Suzyq2u (May 17, 2010)

How often are you visiting? Is it at a bad time, maybe he just wants to sit in his drawers in front of his computer on his day off? 
I'm sure your intentions are good, and he probably thinks so too - your just encroaching on his time. How about just have DD come to your house a few times instead? Maybe he just needs some quiet time. I know when our oldest 2 were little and we were younger, it was tough when we had visitors, the house was snug - would make you want to go crawl in a hole!! LOL How about just going out somewhere and meeting them (or just dd and grandkids if any) somewhere. Do you live close enough for that?


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## marytx (Dec 4, 2002)

My sister has been married to her husband for over thirty years. They live around the corner from Mom and Dad, and Mom and Dad have helped them out a LOT over the years. There is no rational reason for my sister's husband to dislike my parents, but it has always been evident that he does. But then again, he doesn't show a whole lot of obvious like for anyone.

My sister, bless her heart, just accepts this as the way he is, and visits my parents weekly without him. Once a year, on Christmas, she expects him to come over with the family. Most years he is only barely polite, if that. He is like the Grinch or Scrooge. He appears to hate Christmas, but of course we don't know what he is like when he's not with us.

We just put up with him because my sister does.


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## Lisa in WA (Oct 11, 2004)

Alice In TX/MO said:


> My hubby has Aspergers. My friends all thought he hated them. He just didn't know how to be social. Just sayin'.


Though my husband doesn't have Aspergers (at least he hasn't been diagnosed as such) but is the same. When we were first married he was kind of a pill on family occasions, enough so that I left him home a lot. After 25+ years, he still says goofy things sometimes but he's wonderful to my family.


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## Lisa in WA (Oct 11, 2004)

Mamita, I'm just curious. Is he an engineer or something like that?


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## ChristieAcres (Apr 11, 2009)

mamita said:


> there. I typed it out loud. wow..it's been a bit of a problem of late. we are the parents that jump if you call. we don't mind, and we actually feel good when we can help. SIL over the past few years seems to barely tolerate us. I know...you're thinking we butt in or overstep. nope. we don't even live close. I know all about barriers and manners. but...months can go by and when we do visit, he is just.....let's say 'moody' for a nice way to put it. we don't react, as we love our daughter. BUT..and it really is a pretty big BUT.......I don't like being stepped on either. *sigh* she is our girl. our little boys are our loves. he seems intent on making every. single. visit a bit of misery. what do you do when that happens? yes, I have tried talking to him in a totally (and I meant it with all my heart) nice way. he is passive aggressive textbook, so that didn't work at all. advice?


Is there a way you can plan a day trip when you go visit, take your daughter on a special outing? Do you stay with them, when you visit, or make alternative arrangements:? In that situation, I would make alternative arrangements, plan day trips, outings, and adventures to take DD on. Also, you can ask just your DD to come visit you. Taking him out of the equation may work very well, just spending little doses of time around him. He may actually appreciate this and be happier.

When my DD comes to visit, my DH is good for a few days, but after that, he lacks patience for little things (towel not hung up right, items left on the sink, etc...). He likes having time for just us, too. DD comes for longer visits, usually, but also shorter ones. We have simply opted to plan outings to go on, just the two of us, while DH has plenty of time to work and accomplish what he needs to. Then, we can all share dinner together and everyone is happier. The last time she came, we got up early in the morning, drove to the Coast, and just had a wonderful time! DH stayed home happily working away. When we first started doing this, he seemed to resent it a little, being left alone. That is when we had a "chat" and I explained it to him. Now that he understands, he is happy with this arrangement.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Ignore him! Completely ignore his behavior. Be polite as you would a stranger. Perhaps if he doesn't get any feed back or reaction, he'll feel "left out" and act like an adult. If anything, he sounds immature and insecure.

You're not going to fix it. Enjoy your time with your DD and the children and, like I said, pretend he isn't there! 

Life is too short to try to change someone's behavior, but you can change your own.


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## goatlady (May 31, 2002)

Don't feel so bad, gal. I have a Dutch SIL who has an extremely low opinion of me and, too bad for him, he told me so in an email years ago which, dummy, he cc'd to my daughter! She ripped him a new one, but as a result he and I NEVER talk, NEVER interact, NEVER see each other. He is a wonderful husband to my daughter, a fantastic father to their daughter, so that's what counts anyway. It seems to me European males have a whole different outlook on family and marriages than us "natives". Yeah, I miss interacting with my daughter, but since we live 1000's of mile apart that's life right now.


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## Kaitlin (Aug 3, 2006)

Is it a culture thing? I just ask because, being English myself, we can be a funny lot - very backwards in coming forwards, taking a long time to accept friendship and all that. Perhaps he just needs time?


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

LisaInN.Idaho said:


> Mamita, I'm just curious. Is he an engineer or something like that?


I was wondering the same thing - lol..I work with ALL engineers ALL day long..most are very "conservative" with feelings if they let you know they have any at all anyway..

That is why I never married one although I dated a few. I ended up married to a financial analyst and though he is not one to show his feelings, at least I know he has some (way down, deep, down there, under the ledgers and behind the inkwell)..lol..


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## Lisa in WA (Oct 11, 2004)

sidepasser said:


> I was wondering the same thing - lol..I work with ALL engineers ALL day long..most are very "conservative" with feelings if they let you know they have any at all anyway..
> 
> That is why I never married one although I dated a few. I ended up married to a financial analyst and though he is not one to show his feelings, at least I know he has some (way down, deep, down there, under the ledgers and behind the inkwell)..lol..


My DH is a EE and he was a bit of a challenge. I'm fairly extroverted and he's...well, an engineer.  I think a lot of them have Aspie characteristics and just don't always know how to be social.


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## Lisa in WA (Oct 11, 2004)

This thread is making me even more grateful for my new son in law. He is absolutely a keeper.


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## Oggie (May 29, 2003)

Sometimes, when engineers spend so much time driving trains and dealing only with the immediate crew in the cab, they forget how to interact with other folks.


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## mekasmom (Jan 19, 2010)

I just want to say I am so sorry. I do understand. Your heart and arms ache for your child and grandchildren, but there is always a ditch from the mate.
I have come to believe it is a cultural thing at times. I have dogs running in and out, have had goats running in and out, rabbits in the kitchen, chickens, geese, cats, whatever. And I shop yard sales, thrift stores, store food, wear sweats and slippers just cause they are comfortable, etc. I don't mind being messy. I don't want to "always put on my best for God". You know, I just want to be a pearson that does not grieve the Most High Holy Spirit of God, and I don't care how I look, what I wear, if I eat mac/cheese or steak. I guess we are just ******** at heart. It doesn't really upset me if there is a goat kid in a diaper dancing on the dining room table waiting on a bottle. It will wash.
But DIL is so much more concerned about looking nice, living a certain standard, dressing well so as not to embarrass her family or not to do what she thinks would offend Jesus. We just have a cultural difference. And I offend her. She is very uncomforatble. If she sees granddaughter wanting to pet a rabbit or a dog here, she gets squeamish that the kid will get worms. And that never enters my mind because I worm everything over and over. It is just a cultural difference. Her family had lots of money and live in a way they feel honors God by showing prestige. We don't. So she just really is uncomfortable around us because we are substandard in her eyes.
I have no idea how to fix the issue. I wish I could. My arms long to hug my grand daughter, to laugh with her, to just gaze on her. But it doesn't happen. But nobody is necessarily bad. We all just have cultural differences.
I am so sorry for your pain. But try to think about why maybe he is like that. Maybe he cannot feel comfortable with your lifestyle or ways because he is culturally boxed in. I know that is the problem with my DIL. She has limited vision to the ways of others.


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## MO_cows (Aug 14, 2010)

I don't care if he loves you or not, you are entitled to a certain degree of respect as in-laws and grandparents of his children. I'm sure your daughter is not rude to HIS parents, or makes them feel unwanted or unwelcome? So exchange hellos and goodbyes and ignore him otherwise. He is apparently the variant to the stereotype of the class and manners the English posess. Try to make plans with just your daughter and the kids, it will be a relief for everyone it sounds like.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

LisaInN.Idaho said:


> Mamita, I'm just curious. Is he an engineer or something like that?


he is a computer software engineer. is it the nature of the brain then?


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

I suppose it's his nature. at least that's what I tell myself. but when we visit (no, not often. we don't live close. can't say that enough), he sometimes is wonderful. other times..........geez Louise.......you just wish you weren't there. no, he isn't verbally rude. it's more of an unspoken attitude that creeps in that makes you know you are not welcome. that........and when he does get in 'that' mood........everybody is stupid. I am not stupid. neither is my husband. so then we are just sad. and hurt. he is a good provider, and Dd and the kids are happy. so...I guess that's all that matters in the big picture of things. still a bit painful to me.


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## ChristieAcres (Apr 11, 2009)

Life is too short. Like I wrote in my post along with others who have, a few simple changes, problem flat solved. Enjoy the time with your DD! When he gets regularly excluded, he may get the message, and face the issue. This may lead to a reconciliation and better relationship, but if not, you can enjoy time with your DD regardless. 

DD and DS are paying to fly me back East to come visit them. This will be without my DH, who doesn't adjust to new places easily, is seriously hearing impaired, and isn't liable to want to do even 50% of what DD and DS and I will flat love doing. So, he can stay home!

This year, I put my foot down when the challenge of where everyone was going for Christmas came up. DH's two DS's wanted to host a nice family dinner at one of their homes, so DH's DS's were invited to that. They wanted to do that on Christmas Eve, but since I was in my Church Choir, and DH would absolutely not attend without me, we talked about it, and it was changed to Dec 23rd, problem easily solved. That left Christmas Eve for DH's DS's to spend with their DM, their GF's or DW's family. Christmas was then left open for the rest of them to get together. We went to the Christmas Eve Service, then had a wonderful dinner with friends on Christmas Day. This is the first year the entire family were happy with the arrangements! I only prepared a Crab Corn Chowder while DH built (2) Lemon Cheesecakes from scratch (okay, I did make the Blackberry/Marionberry Sauce for it). Next year, the plan is to do it again!


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## Lisa in WA (Oct 11, 2004)

mamita said:


> he is a computer software engineer. is it the nature of the brain then?


It really can be. Maybe he is a little Aspie (maybe they all are!) . There really is something about software engineers.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

LisaInN.Idaho said:


> It really can be. Maybe he is a little Aspie (maybe they all are!) .


maybe! that is why I posted. perspective from others is always a good thing.  I do love his little self, no matter what his mood may be. that's why I feel bad when he gives cause to wonder. he's an amazing dad. a wonderful husband. just that 'tude' with us that makes me cringe. LOL!!

their first born son, my little buddy of age 7 is the one diagnosed as autistic. is the aspie thing hereditary I wonder? not that it matters, just curious.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

LisaInN.Idaho said:


> It really can be. Maybe he is a little Aspie (maybe they all are!) . There really is something about software engineers.





LisaInN.Idaho said:


> My DH is a EE and he was a bit of a challenge. I'm fairly extroverted and he's...well, an engineer.  I think a lot of them have Aspie characteristics and just don't always know how to be social.


Yep -- here, too! DH is a PEng, and British -- double-whammy! It took him a LONG time to get to the point where people aren't asking me if they've ticked him off somehow. He loves to entertain, he loves my family... it's just hard for him to not come across as not really wanting people around sometimes. He really has to make the effort, and he didn't really understand that until he was about 30. 

Part of it is, I think, the engineering "type", and part is, he's British. He was raised in a VERY different culture than what my family is used to, and vice versa. He isn't terribly comfortable with the familiarity and noise of my family, and they're not used to his (ahem) stoicism (for want of a better word  )

Love him, and give him time and space and respect. If this is the problem, you'll get the same back.

If he's just a jerk, well, that will show in time, too. :shrug:


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## Jokarva (Jan 17, 2010)

Maybe it's just pure personality clash? I know that my mil (who lives 5 hrs away and only visits 1-2 times a year) has plucked my last nerve 20 minutes after she walks in the door.....it isn't that I don't like her, we are just *so very different*. It's been like that for 30+ years, and is one of the reasons we live 5 hrs away.


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## ChristieAcres (Apr 11, 2009)

My DH has the mind of an Engineer, is a Machinist/Welder, and is an extrovert, but doesn't like to be around a lot of people (has a hard time hearing/filtering). His DF is a brilliant Engineer, an excellent communicator, but a man of far fewer words. However, this man has no mental issues at all. He and I get along great, got way better when I figured out to communicate with him better (this is key with introverts and more analytical minds). My MIL is similar, but talks a little more. These folks were a challenge, at first, just until I figured out how to relate to them and communicate with them. Now, they tell me they love me regularly, take me aside to confide to me at family gatherings, and we get along very well. DH is the one with the issues with his own parents! He is a talker, gets going, and doesn't pick up on their "signals." When I see they have "had enough," I smile, and gently encourage Len to exit. They always grin at me, as if to say, thanks we needed that!

I am a believer in solving the problem fast, as there are plenty others ahead...


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

Tracy Rimmer said:


> Yep -- here, too! DH is a PEng, and British -- double-whammy! It took him a LONG time to get to the point where people aren't asking me if they've ticked him off somehow. He loves to entertain, he loves my family... it's just hard for him to not come across as not really people around sometimes. He really has to make the effort, and he didn't really understand that until he was about 30.
> 
> Part of it is, I think, the engineering "type", and part is, he's British. He was raised in a VERY different culture than what my family is used to, and vice versa. He isn't terribly comfortable with the familiarity and noise of my family, and they're not used to his (ahem) stoicism (for want of a better word  )
> 
> ...


thank you. my family is a bit noisey. I do love him. I will give him more space. ya, if he is a jerk........guess we're stuck with a jerk. lol


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## valgal (Dec 24, 2002)

I second (or third!) the Asperger's suggestion. His attitude might actually be more of an expression of anxiety.
Valgal in SC


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## kidsnchix (Oct 2, 2003)

mamita, I have a son in law who is like that. Over the years, we've sort-of learned to live with it. I mean he doesen't interact with any of us...just sits there and doesn't say a word. We try to bring him into conversations and things but .......well, nothing. I figure as long as my daughter can stand him and he takes care of the boys, well then I guess its ok.


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

I had the opposite situation, finially got so that i wouldn't go around MIL and FIL except Christmas and funerals. Tried, but they just didn't care.


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## Honorine (Feb 27, 2006)

My son is an aspie- after his diagnosis we realized that my husband is probably in the spectrum too, so yes it can be genetic. My hubba loves my mother and stepfather, and my one BIL, has never gotten along with my sisters. He's loud and doesn't have a muffler between his mind and his mouth, and he's very male and often annoying on purpose. I leave him behind on the minor holidays, he's happier that way. Try not to take it personally, some folks are just difficult.


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## TriWinkle (Oct 2, 2011)

Next time you see him, walk up to him with a big smile on yor face and...punch him in the nose!

If he's gonna dislike you anyway, the you may as well give him a reason.

If your daughter doesn't see his behavior as a problem, then treat her for a couple of days like he treats you...If she mentions it, tell you thought that was the standard for the household and if not then why is it ok for you!


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## Sparkie (Aug 16, 2012)

Asperger's can run in families. My dh has mild Asperger's, so did his dad and so do his two sons from his first marriage. Funny, none of his sisters or daughters have it. From what he says his paternal grandmother didn't have the characteristics but his paternal grandfather did.


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## jwal10 (Jun 5, 2010)

I am the s-i-l. My m-i-l is a sweet little thing. English, wore the pants in the family, opinionated and stiff. No changing her mind, no need to try. Her husband had a career, he was an electrician. Died at 50. She became sour and grumpy. She was a stay at home Mom but kept busy ALL THE TIME, never settled, always BUSY. I am not good enough, lazy, no drive AND lazy. Did I say lazy, I smile, answer if asked, join in if allowed and do as told. We get along just fine. Even my kids feel the tension, she always makes a comment about me to them. She asks what I am doing now that I am retired, she thinks I do nothing. I still smile and life goes on. I love her but never get a chance to show it in person, she is English, very little emotion. But I still smile.


She is in a care home, hates it because she wants to complain instead of finding her place there. Sweetie has become weary of the complaining. Long phone calls to complain. Is to the point of not seeing her as much because of it. Hard to see her whole family being pushed away. I will not get old and grumpy, life is too short and Gods blessings are the light of my life....James


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## CaliannG (Apr 29, 2005)

~chuckles~ As a software engineer, obviously intelligent, etc., I have to wonder how many of these "moods" where he comes off as arrogant, and seems to act like you are stupid, coincides with "Yesterday, I had to have a four-hour long meeting with those absolute IDIOTS in marketing".

The highly intelligent or highly educated don't have to have Aspies to seem moody either. Both of those paths appear to favor introverts....it is HARD to socialize with unpredictable, illogical humans when your mind works in a mathematical, logical fashion, and sometimes, it is exhausting. It is one of the reasons why, when I took a stint as a counselor, that I would advise science majors to take a course in Behavioral Psychology. It is easier for introverts and analytic minds to socialize when they can analyze behavior and react accordingly. Without that knowledge, though, they spend time being confused and working/trying very hard to do things "right".

I don't think your SIL dislikes you. I think he has a multiple hardship of being introverted, having an analytic mind, AND having a cultural gap to overcome to socialize with you. Sometimes he is mentally tired already, and the thought of having to work to overcome those handicaps to socialize makes him resentful, and he may not even know why.

It's not that he dislikes or resent YOU, it is that he dislikes and resents the work and effort it takes him to socialize. That is why he is wonderful at times, and moody at times.

Be gentle with his handicaps. That he is wonderful at times means he really IS trying.


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## cast iron (Oct 4, 2004)

mamita said:


> I suppose it's his nature. at least that's what I tell myself. but when we visit (no, not often. we don't live close. can't say that enough),


When someone says don't live close that to me means halfway across the country or more? Maybe the visitation frequency is simply not realistic? 

For example when grandparents live within driving distance they can sometimes be overwhelming in how frequently they come to visit. Oftentimes mom and dad lead busy lives with both of them working, taking care of the kids, obligations etc and it feels like there is really never any alone time, even when they have a day off work. Yet oftentimes the grandparents are retired, have regular income, and can come and go when/where they please as they have very few hard and fast obligations.

This does not excuse the rude or disrespectful behavior as you have described but sometimes grandparents are so obsessive with the grand kids that it becomes overwhelming for the parents as they feel trapped in the middle, trying to please everyone yet still have their own lives to live. At this stage there are many hands in the pie so to speak, there may be two sets of grandparents involved, even step grandparents in some cases, aunts, uncles, etc that want to spend time with the grand-kids and there is only so much grand-kid time to go around. 

Have you considered maybe getting a sitter for the grand-kids and taking your daughter and SIL out for dinner or some other event to help build/enhance your relationship with both of them? 

Not trying to be argumentative, just offer a bit of a different perspective.


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## Tubby (Dec 14, 2012)

Alice In TX/MO said:


> My hubby has Aspergers. My friends all thought he hated them. He just didn't know how to be social. Just sayin'.


I have Asperger's and ADHD. I manage but it's a struggle sometimes. I do much better over the Internet than in person.


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## fransean (Dec 21, 2002)

After reading the thread I don't think he dislikes you, in fact you stated that he is wonderful at times. Sounds like he just gets in moody sometimes. My DH is not the most social person and it takes him a long time to warm up to people. 
We all think we are going to have the same relationship with our children's SO as we have with them but that is not realistic. Their SO did not grow up in our home and may have a different "normal". To them we are the ones that are acting different!


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## Country Lady (Oct 2, 2003)

We have about the same circumstances with our DIL. I think it's more that she doesn't want to like us, than she doesn't like us. Does that make sense? She hasn't given us a chance. She and our son live across the country. We've never visited them, never had an invite from her. She's been with DS to visit us about three times when they first married and now he comes alone. I talk to her twice a year. That's after I've sent her birthday and Christmas gifts and DS makes her get on the phone to thank us. We've never gotten a gift from her with her name on it nor have we ever gotten a card. I have no idea what her handwriting looks like. They've been married 10 years. We tried every way we knew to make her feel part of our family on the times she did visit. Now, we just accept it as, it is what it is.


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

I guess I see things differently. IMO This is not your problem to fix. This is your daughter's problem to fix. Your SIL is her husband. She is the one who is accepting his bad behaviour. Apparently it is okay with her that her husband treats her parents badly and in fact does it in front of the children. I would never tolerate such behaviour in a relationship and I know my husband would also never tolerate his wife behaving badly towards his parents. SIL does not have to like you but he does have to treat you with courtesy and respect and kindness. Passive agressive sulking behaviour is none of these.


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

mamita said:


> he is a computer software engineer. is it the nature of the brain then?


Bingo!!! It seems that many engineers have the same lack of social skills. My DH just hates having to interact with people other than other engineers. Then they sit around solving impossible equations. LOL. I think I may be the only person with whom he has any sort of close personal relationship. Most of that was because of persistence on my part. <G>

I also think it could be part cultural. Americans tend to be very "Hail fellow, well met!" and in-your-face friendly, which can make many English people uncomfortable. We prefer to wait to get to know someone really well before considering them a friend. Coupled with the above engineer traits - that could be a powerful social divide. 

I suspect that he doesn't dislike you at all. He is probably overwhelmed by your friendliness and trying to be respectful. As long as he is good to your daughter you should just accept him as he is and not try so hard to engage him. He will either warm up to you eventually or not - but whichever it is, it is no reflection on you.

Mary


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## Lisa in WA (Oct 11, 2004)

emdeengee said:


> I guess I see things differently. IMO This is not your problem to fix. This is your daughter's problem to fix. Your SIL is her husband. She is the one who is accepting his bad behaviour. Apparently it is okay with her that her husband treats her parents badly and in fact does it in front of the children. I would never tolerate such behaviour in a relationship and I know my husband would also never tolerate his wife behaving badly towards his parents. SIL does not have to like you but he does have to treat you with courtesy and respect and kindness. Passive agressive sulking behaviour is none of these.


In a perfect world I'd agree with you but if Mamita wants to see her daughter and grandchildren, ultimatums are not the way to go.


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## shannsmom (Jul 28, 2009)

All I'm gonna say is...my DH is a computer programmer/software developer. And a LOT of these stories sound so familiar. I agree with the others. It ain't you, honey, it's him, just ignore it as much as you can. I can tell my DH how much of a horse's behind he is being when he acts like that, but i would not suggest you do the same


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## SFM in KY (May 11, 2002)

It's also possible it may be just two completely different personalities. I've never been able to feel comfortable with my SIL and I'm sure he feels equally uncomfortable with me. We don't live close so there's not much interaction but I've just never been comfortable with him. He and my DD do fine together, four children all out of high school now so she has no problems with him. 

I don't get the feeling that we 'dislike' each other exactly, we just simply have nothing in common at all and for both of us, it is obviously an effort to find something to talk about so we're uncomfortable with each other. But DD is the one who lives with him, she's obviously happy with her choices so I deal with the situation.


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

emdeengee said:


> I guess I see things differently. IMO This is not your problem to fix. This is your daughter's problem to fix. Your SIL is her husband. She is the one who is accepting his bad behaviour. Apparently it is okay with her that her husband treats her parents badly and in fact does it in front of the children. I would never tolerate such behaviour in a relationship and I know my husband would also never tolerate his wife behaving badly towards his parents. SIL does not have to like you but he does have to treat you with courtesy and respect and kindness. Passive agressive sulking behaviour is none of these.


Mamita has already said that her daughter does not see a problem. What her daughter sees is her husband being himself. He does not seem to be behaving badly towards them - just not behaving in the way that Mamita would like, which would perhaps be extroverted, jolly and slap-em-on-the-back, gimme-a-big-hug friendly. 

Some people are just not that way. Not because they are badly behaved, but because they do not like that kind of intimacy with those they are not very, very close to. It took me years to be able to accept hugs without stiffening up. I still don't like it, but can now smile and hug back because that is what my adopted countrypersons expect. 

Mary


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## Lisa in WA (Oct 11, 2004)

When you go to visit, stay in a hotel. Take your daughter and grandkids out and when you have to be at their house, bring some geeky magazines like Wired, so he has an excuse to bury his nose in them. My husband would sit and read magazines whenever he was forced to be sociable. 
If it's any consolation my husband was/is a fantastic father and husband, just very ill at ease with people who weren't his immediate family. You would never know that now. He's is the best son in law my mom has and he is warm and caring and generous with my family. Very happy everyone waited him out so they can see what I saw all along.


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## Suzyq2u (May 17, 2010)

No offense but I hate when people assume there's a mental issue going on here (Aspergers has been brought up for the umpteenth million time).
Maybe he just wants to have some quiet time in his own house?
How often are you visiting? How long are you staying?
Maybe it's rude, but maybe just wants to relax in his own home with out having to feel like a 'gracious host' when he gets off work?
Mamamita I'm sure your nothing but loving and nice to them, but maybe he just wants some quiet at the house and it's lousy timing : /


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## Lisa in WA (Oct 11, 2004)

Suzyq2u said:


> No offense but I hate when people assume there's a mental issue going on here (Aspergers has been brought up for the umpteenth million time).
> Maybe he just wants to have some quiet time in his own house?
> How often are you visiting? How long are you staying?
> Maybe it's rude, but maybe just wants to relax in his own home with out having to feel like a 'gracious host' when he gets off work?
> Mamamita I'm sure your nothing but loving and nice to them, but maybe he just wants some quiet at the house and it's lousy timing : /


She already said that they live far away and that she isn't there very often. I think Aspergers or it's correlating behaviors for engineer types are being brought up because of people's own personal experiences with similar personality types. That is why I did. We have our own experiences to offer Mamita...just like you do.


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

As usual I find myself agreeing 100% with Ardie on family matters. Don't try to change anything, just enjoy your dd and ignore your s-i-l's behavior. You don't need a relationship with him beyond cordial distance you'd afford to a stranger.


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## Sparkie (Aug 16, 2012)

Asperger's is not a mental issue! Asperger's people just don't intuitively understand social cues like the rest of us. There are many more characteristics but that's the one people in this thread are referring to. It's a brain thing. They are not better or worse, just different.


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## Suzyq2u (May 17, 2010)

I'm sorry I used the incorrect phrase. It's not a 'mental issue'. But it's was suggested that perhaps he has a condition that falls under the autism spectrum. I am quite aware of how aspergers affects people, I know several who have been labeled with it. 

Yes, you are correct Lisa, I and others were just giving our own personal feedback.


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## Aintlifegrand (Jun 3, 2005)

My DH has been in the family for 30 years.. he is a quiet man..always has been. My family is italian loud and everyone talks at once.. DH just is quiet and for years my parents would ask.. did we make him mad.. doesn't he like us.. Bless my Mom's heart she tried..hard.. really hard. Dad liked to hear himself talk too much to notice the other person wasn't talking..lol. When my father passed away.. My DH cried as if it was his father who had passed..my point is.. MY DH loves my family dearly..He's just quiet always has been and always will be.. and when he is pushed about "what's wrong" or "Why are you being so quiet" often by my siblings is when he gets the most irritated and yes it comes across as an attitude...My adivice is that you should just let him be.. and don't assume he doesn't like you.. and don't push.. 

I also have two son in laws..one fits right in with my loud talkative family and the other is like my DH in that he sticks to himself and does his thing.. i just basically speak when he comes and when he leaves.. and it's ok.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

we only go visit when invited, as in birthdays, Christmas. he can be very social, loves to have fun at parties, the kind of person that can take over a room in that good way. it is us, and it seems to get worse. it's hard to explain, too. sometimes he's just mean, but if you react then he says it was all 'just kidding around'. or snotty to me when my DD isn't in the room. sometimes it's childish sulking for who knows why. like we all go to the lake every fall for a picnic. this year he sat in a chair sulking and if he talked, he was crabby. we hiked and such without him, kids had a blast, but it's tiresome at best. DD thinks he's wonderful, and I'm glad of that. I brought it up once, she got upset, so I won't again. it's not like I want her being angry at her husband. we only stay overnight Christmas eve as there is a lot of visiting other family and it gets late. the boys like it, too, on Christmas morning. the boys think we're rock stars...hahaha! and yes, believe it or not, that seems to get on his nerves, too. guess it is his problem. I just needed to vent it out, cause it makes me sad.


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

LisaInN.Idaho said:


> In a perfect world I'd agree with you but if Mamita wants to see her daughter and grandchildren, ultimatums are not the way to go.


I am not talking about ultimatums. IMO when there are problems within a relationship circle it is the responsibility of the closest person to handle the problem. The daughter would be responsible to handle any problems created by her parents, siblings or her husband. She is the one who would discuss, negotiate and set boundaries. The son-in-law would handle problems with his parents, his siblings and his wife. In other words the daughter (wife) should be expecting/demanding better behaviour from her husband. In life we have to deal with people and relatives we don't like all the time. Only really ignorant people deliberately behave badly and passive aggressive behaviour is the most cowardly and despicable.

If, as Mamita has written, they have tried everything to be agreeable, unintrusive and to include the husband and his behaviour continues to be surly and disrespectful then it is obvious that their daughter thinks this is just fine. Since this has been going on for a while I would not expect the daughter to bother doing anything at this point.

I would continue to see my grandkids and be courteous to their father but I would not engage him and I would no let his behaviour affect my mood. I would not stay in their home but would always stay at a local hotel and just visit or I would have my daughter come and visit us with the kids. I would also not insist on forced Christmas, Thanksgiving celebrations.


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## CheerfulMom4 (May 21, 2008)

Maybe he just has a hard time with people in his space and your personality is a bit much for him. For example..I adore my sister-in-law. She is one of my best friends, we can talk on the phone about anything. Aside from my husband she is who I will talk to about important personal things.
When she is in front of me though it's like a different situation. I'm not a touchy person..she is. So I always feel a bit crowded. She always jumps in to help me but in her way..takes over. I would rather just be left alone.
She gives me lots of compliments..it's nice, I just feel awkward and don't know how to respond. It's not a problem with her, she's an amazing person and honestly I wish I were more like her. I just have had a hard time dealing with her in my space. I have gotten better over time but sometimes it's still a struggle for me.


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

CountryWannabe said:


> Mamita has already said that her daughter does not see a problem. What her daughter sees is her husband being himself. He does not seem to be behaving badly towards them - just not behaving in the way that Mamita would like, which would perhaps be extroverted, jolly and slap-em-on-the-back, gimme-a-big-hug friendly.
> 
> Some people are just not that way. Not because they are badly behaved, but because they do not like that kind of intimacy with those they are not very, very close to. It took me years to be able to accept hugs without stiffening up. I still don't like it, but can now smile and hug back because that is what my adopted countrypersons expect.
> 
> Mary


Well we definitely disagree. IMO it is because he IS badly behaved. You do not have to be huggy kissy - just polite. Countries and even families do have different codes of conduct so you adjust to them. You make an effort. He makes no effort and in fact thrives on being even more moody according to the OP. As you said it took you years but you have adjusted your behaviour to the social standard of where you live. We all have to do this to one extent or the other with our friends, work colleagues and our families.

As for the daughter - if you have low expectations in a relationship then you get low behaviour.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

mamita said:


> we only go visit when invited, as in birthdays, Christmas. he can be very social, loves to have fun at parties, the kind of person that can take over a room in that good way. it is us, and it seems to get worse. it's hard to explain, too. sometimes he's just mean, but if you react then he says it was all 'just kidding around'. or snotty to me when my DD isn't in the room. sometimes it's childish sulking for who knows why. like we all go to the lake every fall for a picnic. this year he sat in a chair sulking and if he talked, he was crabby. we hiked and such without him, kids had a blast, but it's tiresome at best. DD thinks he's wonderful, and I'm glad of that. I brought it up once, she got upset, so I won't again. it's not like I want her being angry at her husband. we only stay overnight Christmas eve as there is a lot of visiting other family and it gets late. the boys like it, too, on Christmas morning. the boys think we're rock stars...hahaha! and yes, believe it or not, that seems to get on his nerves, too. guess it is his problem. I just needed to vent it out, cause it makes me sad.


Ignore him. He sounds like a big baby. Adults control their moods. They don't allow their moods to control them.


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

If it is done in front of everyone and is obvious I would respond with
humor or just a response that is right out there too..
He calls me stupid in front of others , I respond "ouch, that is hurtful"
or " stupid, stupid, that is me ..how in the world do I function in this world?"
Then say no more..If its too subtle for others to see, I would ignore it also..


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## bluetogreens (May 31, 2010)

Maybe he is just trying to find the medium happy ground of allowing you time with his wife and his children in his space? I am lucky I absolutely adore my in-laws (suzyq2u's parents), but at times, I escape and just let them be here with her and our children whom love them very much. I have a life and hobbies and interest and a career and a disability all of which does not always line up with their plans. they are mindful of this and go off alone for awhile or take the wife out without me and even have watched out children including the infant while susy and I went out. BUT if I have plans or something I would rather be doing, I do it- I decided long ago that my in-laws as much as they love me are here for their daughter and their grandchildren more-so then me and I like it just fine that way. 
(p.s. susy and I have been together 19+ years and this is the first year their gifts to me said from MOM and DAD instead of their names) meant a lot to me.


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## mistletoad (Apr 17, 2003)

Sounds jealous to me. My mother says my first husband was like that. I didn't notice it at the time, but as he became more and more jealous and possessive towards me and I learned his true nature it didn't surprise me to hear that he had always treated them like your son-in-law treats you.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

mistletoad said:


> Sounds jealous to me. My mother says my first husband was like that. I didn't notice it at the time, but as he became more and more jealous and possessive towards me and I learned his true nature it didn't surprise me to hear that he had always treated them like your son-in-law treats you.


That could also be a factor. He sounds rather immature.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

sounds like my husband. he was british also.no life in him whatsoever. my gosh he was an awful man. so unfriendly. no one liked him especially me. i learned to ignor him to the point i forgot he was even in the house. ~Georgia.


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## Lisa in WA (Oct 11, 2004)

**************************************


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

My SIL acts like this often and no, he doesn't have Aspbergers!! He can just be a real jerk at times, but other times he is wonderful. He is very moody, but my own Dad was like that so I'm used to it somewhat, although it still hurts...

DD thinks he is jealous at times of our close relationship with her and therein lies the problem. He's a big baby and wants all of her attention. He doesn't seem to like the efforts she makes for us when we're visiting which is only about 4 times a year. They live long distance from us. They often visit us too and he seems to be on better behavior at our house for some reason...

Anyway, I got tired of trying to figure it all out and we just ignore his moodiness. It is tiresome, although I will say he's been a little better the past year. I compliment him alot these days on what a great dad and husband he is and he just beams. And it is true - he's a great guy most of the time... Complimenting him seems to help.

Mamita, I do sympathize with you. I know exactly what you are going through. It might just be a little jealousy on his part...


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## pheasantplucker (Feb 20, 2007)

I haven't read many of the responses to the OP so I don't know if I'm repeating what anyone else suggested, but if I were you, I'd continue to do as you have. Try to be cheerful and optimistic around him. Continue exactly as you have with your daughter and the rest of the family. Perhaps he has trust issues or it's the culture he was brought up in. It may take a long time (if ever) for him to feel comfortable with you and yours. I would continue on as you have and hope that one day, he'll warm up. If not, it's his loss. Sounds like he has other good qualities that your daughter and their children see, and that is why I'd not push it further. My wife is a wonderful person, but because of a difficult childhood, she is consequently difficult to get to know. I'm certain many of my friends and family feel there is a barrier there between her and them, but once she feels able to trust a person, her personality is suddenly open to them, they realize what a gem she is.


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