# Is my thinking that outdated?



## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

I was told today that my way of thinking is from the 50's and outdated because I feel that housewives should cook dinner for their husbands. We live on a 94 acre piece of land with my SO other relatives in separate dwellings. Well his cousin and his wife live on the land,he works and she don't. Tonight and pretty much every night she acted annoyed that she needed to make something for dinner and said if he's lucky he'll get a corn dog. I know she hates cooking and all but really? It's my opinion that if your SO works all day and you don't,you should make dinner. Is it just me?


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## mmoetc (Oct 9, 2012)

Oregon1986 said:


> I was told today that my way of thinking is from the 50's and outdated because I feel that housewives should cook dinner for their husbands. We live on a 94 acre piece of land with my SO other relatives in separate dwellings. Well his cousin and his wife live on the land,he works and she don't. Tonight and pretty much every night she acted annoyed that she needed to make something for dinner and said if he's lucky he'll get a corn dog. I know she hates cooking and all but really? It's my opinion that if your SO works all day and you don't,you should make dinner. Is it just me?


It’s not your relationship.


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## Texaspredatorhu (Sep 15, 2015)

Oregon1986 said:


> I was told today that my way of thinking is from the 50's and outdated because I feel that housewives should cook dinner for their husbands. We live on a 94 acre piece of land with my SO other relatives in separate dwellings. Well his cousin and his wife live on the land,he works and she don't. Tonight and pretty much every night she acted annoyed that she needed to make something for dinner and said if he's lucky he'll get a corn dog. I know she hates cooking and all but really? It's my opinion that if your SO works all day and you don't,you should make dinner. Is it just me?


My wife cooks and I clean up after dinner. I work she’s stays “at home”. She does a lot for the ranch and deals with a lot of my side business calls. I wouldn’t say it’s outdated and I wouldn’t say it should be expected but it’s a compromise that we are both happy with. Be careful with that thinking around here with the feminism movement!


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Who ever does not work makes dinner. If we both work, I do because my job is closer. It is about balance.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

It depends. I cook dinner on the evenings Mr. Pixie works because I'm here, and I'm a much better cook. He cooks, actually grills, on one of the nights he's home. It's one of our divisions of household labor. I think it depends on the family.


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## ShannonR (Nov 28, 2012)

I used to cook dinner whenever possible. And keep the house cleaned. Least I can do, if he is supporting me. I just considered it part of a symbiotic human relationship.


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## mreynolds (Jan 1, 2015)

Oregon1986 said:


> I was told today that my way of thinking is from the 50's and outdated because I feel that housewives should cook dinner for their husbands. We live on a 94 acre piece of land with my SO other relatives in separate dwellings. Well his cousin and his wife live on the land,he works and she don't. Tonight and pretty much every night she acted annoyed that she needed to make something for dinner and said if he's lucky he'll get a corn dog. I know she hates cooking and all but really? It's my opinion that if your SO works all day and you don't,you should make dinner. Is it just me?


Not really. I think everyone should contribute to the household. Its different for everyone though. My wife is an awesome cook but she doesn't really like it. I hate to wash dishes and she doesn't mind [much]. I'm just the opposite. I love to cook and hate to wash dishes. It should have been in our vows in hindsight lol.


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

Texaspredatorhu said:


> My wife cooks and I clean up after dinner. I work she’s stays “at home”. She does a lot for the ranch and deals with a lot of my side business calls. I wouldn’t say it’s outdated and I wouldn’t say it should be expected but it’s a compromise that we are both happy with. Be careful with that thinking around here with the feminism movement!


Feminists don't scare me,lol


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

ShannonR said:


> I used to cook dinner whenever possible. And keep the house cleaned. Least I can do, if he is supporting me. I just considered it part of a symbiotic human relationship.


That's my way of thinking. Not saying the man can never cook or anything, just that if the woman is home she should do the majority of it


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## ShannonR (Nov 28, 2012)

Oregon1986 said:


> That's my way of thinking. Not saying the man can never cook or anything, just that if the woman is home she should do the majority of it


Exactly! It's called pulling your weight....or (dare I say?) Earning your keep.


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

Maybe it's the way I was raised,I had an amazing role model from my grandma. I grew up watching her run herself


ShannonR said:


> Exactly! It's called pulling your weight....or (dare I say?) Earning your keep.


Yes! Every relationship both have to contribute in some way


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## ET1 SS (Oct 22, 2005)

In my mind, there needs to be some kind of balance.

If one spouse is outside working all day, the other spouse 'should' be doing something.

Long ago, when I was dating. I knew a few girls who each thought that their stuff was so precious that they had no need to 'pull their weight'. When I found a girl that pulled her own weight and got along with me, that was the girl I married.

If I am going to be yoked up with someone, I would want them to be pulling as much I as do.


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

ET1 SS said:


> In my mind, there needs to be some kind of balance.
> 
> If one spouse is outside working all day, the other spouse 'should' be doing something.
> 
> ...


Sadly there is a lot of people with that way of thinking these days,want everything handed to them


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## Texaspredatorhu (Sep 15, 2015)

Oregon1986 said:


> Sadly there is a lot of people with that way of thinking these days,want everything handed to them


That ain’t no lie!


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

When I earned my cash at home way back in the baby making days. I did the cooking weekdays. Hubby did the weekends when he was home. As life changed Military deployments I did it all. Hard job. Who ever was home did the house work shopping cooking child running.


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

Forcast said:


> When I earned my cash at home way back in the baby making days. I did the cooking weekdays. Hubby did the weekends when he was home. As life changed Military deployments I did it all. Hard job. Who ever was home did the house work shopping cooking child running.


Very hard job, you are a strong woman


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## Amanda_W (Jul 5, 2017)

I agree with your thinking. If one is working and the other is not then making a meal for them isn't too much to expect.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

If by "not working" you mean that she works n the home 12 hours a day 7 days a week, then no she should not be cooking.

You will NEVER know what those folks are up to, not really. Nobody tells you EVERYTHING, just some things. Let it go.

Personally, I used to drop a frozen roast in the oven before I left for work and set the timer. I would come home to a hot roast and that would give meat for a couple of days. Then at dinner time I tore open a bag of salad and open a can of baked beans to nuke. Total time=5 minutes.

Do not feel too sorry for your cousin: if he does not like corn dogs he can do the same.


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## mmoetc (Oct 9, 2012)

I’m pretty sure that in 40+ years of marriage my father never expected my mother to ever make dinner. She did most nights and I can’t remember her ever not being thanked for doing so. It’s a tradition I carry on.


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## Trixie (Aug 25, 2006)

I don't have a problem with a woman doing the housework if the husband works and supports the family. My husband left the house at 7:30 and got home about 10:30 every night for many, many years. I can't imagine that I would expect him to care for the house. It is definitely a matter of balance.

Now that he is retired, I haven't retired. He does what he can, but seriously 57, almost 58 years of marriage, it would take a while for him to actually get into the thinking of the house. He is very good to help, but it's still my job.

As I said on another thread, retirement is good because I get to spend a lot more time with him and that's why I married him. In hindsight, maybe I should have learned to actually like golf!


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## mreynolds (Jan 1, 2015)

Trixie said:


> I don't have a problem with a woman doing the housework if the husband works and supports the family. My husband left the house at 7:30 and got home about 10:30 every night for many, many years. I can't imagine that I would expect him to care for the house. It is definitely a matter of balance.
> 
> Now that he is retired, I haven't retired. He does what he can, but seriously 57, almost 58 years of marriage, it would take a while for him to actually get into the thinking of the house. He is very good to help, but it's still my job.
> 
> As I said on another thread, retirement is good because I get to spend a lot more time with him and that's why I married him. In hindsight, maybe I should have learned to actually like golf!



Awesome story Trixie. And that husband or yours? He got home at 10:30 every night? What a slacker I tell ya.


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## Trixie (Aug 25, 2006)

mreynolds said:


> Awesome story Trixie. And that husband or yours? He got home at 10:30 every night? What a slacker I tell ya.


Yep, a slacker. It was kinda hard on our kids when they were little.. They pretty much only saw him on weekends. That's why we enjoyed our little 'farm' so much. We made the most of the weekends.


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## mreynolds (Jan 1, 2015)

Trixie said:


> Yep, a slacker. It was kinda hard on our kids when they were little.. They pretty much only saw him on weekends. That's why we enjoyed our little 'farm' so much. We made the most of the weekends.


I understand myself. I was a road warrior in construction in my younger years. Looks like I will be again soon but at least the kids are grown.


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## lmrose (Sep 24, 2009)

We will be married 40 years in July and unless I am sick I always do the cooking. However on a farm was always plenty of work. My husband did all the field work and mowing and making hay. He worked with a horse and also went to the woods to cut and haul fire wood. He plants the garden because he knows more about growing things than I do. I learn from him. We both pick berries and other things from the garden. I help him when he needs help. I do all the preserving, freezing, storing and canning. We always worked as a team. I do the cooking because it is easier for me and he never had time. Now this winter for the first time in his 63 yrs [ he was ten when he started] he doesn't have wood to lug in or have barn chores to do . He is taking things easy and I am still cooking and am enjoying spoiling him.


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

lmrose said:


> We will be married 40 years in July and unless I am sick I always do the cooking. However on a farm was always plenty of work. My husband did all the field work and mowing and making hay. He worked with a horse and also went to the woods to cut and haul fire wood. He plants the garden because he knows more about growing things than I do. I learn from him. We both pick berries and other things from the garden. I help him when he needs help. I do all the preserving, freezing, storing and canning. We always worked as a team. I do the cooking because it is easier for me and he never had time. Now this winter for the first time in his 63 yrs [ he was ten when he started] he doesn't have wood to lug in or have barn chores to do . He is taking things easy and I am still cooking and am enjoying spoiling him.


I love hearing stories like this


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## IndyDave (Jul 17, 2017)

I see this as one of many manifestations of a larger point: Whenever two people try to out-give each other, there will always be abundance and when one or both tries to out-take the other, then there will be shortage. I can think of no part of the relationship where this does not hold true.


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## ShannonR (Nov 28, 2012)

IndyDave said:


> I see this as one of many manifestations of a larger point: Whenever two people try to out-give each other, there will always be abundance and when one or both tries to out-take the other, then there will be shortage. I can think of no part of the relationship where this does not hold true.


And then, there are the situations where one gives as much as they possibly can while the other takes, takes takes. The one-sided relationship stuff gets old quick. Been there before, the only good that came out of that relationship was a beautiful little boy that I am proud to call my son


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## haypoint (Oct 4, 2006)

It all depends on who is in charge of killing spiders....


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## ShannonR (Nov 28, 2012)

haypoint said:


> It all depends on who is in charge of killing spiders....


I kill spiders!! Unless they are really big and scary, sometimes I do want help in that area


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

haypoint said:


> It all depends on who is in charge of killing spiders....


Lol


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## haypoint (Oct 4, 2006)

IndyDave said:


> I see this as one of many manifestations of a larger point: Whenever two people try to out-give each other, there will always be abundance and when one or both tries to out-take the other, then there will be shortage. I can think of no part of the relationship where this does not hold true.


It can be human nature. I've used your explanation for years. The moment a couple starts thinking about splitting up or that they aren't getting fair treatment, they start giving just their fair half, not more, and soon the marriage is over. I use the example of sharing a checkbook. Let's say you and I share a checking account, start out with $1000. Neither keep track of deposits and withdrawals. Eventually, the bank tells us we are overdrawn. Human nature says when we make deposits, it seems like a big deal, but withdrawals are easily forgotten. For a marriage to work, both must add to it without expecting as much back.


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## IndyDave (Jul 17, 2017)

Not only does this apply to money and work, but also to emotions. A couple has to be mutually supporting when having good days and bad days, even if both are having a bad day at the same time. If one is constantly draining the other, there will be problems. If one (or both) sees the other as a source for gratification rather than a partner to love, there will be problems, if one (or both) seeks to be served rather than to serve, there will be problems.


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## GTX63 (Dec 13, 2016)

I had a close friend years ago who married for all the wrong reasons. He worked HVAC with his dad and they went from 6 in the morning to many days after 10 pm. He lived on fast food because his wife was a staunch feminist, and angry. Ask her for a beer "I'm not your maid"; ask about what is for dinner "Whatever you fix". Refused to take green beans from his mother because they weren't snapped. She was militant in her demands that he concede everything was to be split 50-50, except she didn't work, slept until 11, never cleaned, not even a dish or a pair of socks. Spent her days on the couch consuming CNN/MSNBC or reading Salon or running up their credit cards. Spent their time together lecturing him on the women's movement and the evils of traditional thought. By the time the guy figured out they were unequally yoked she had already left him for another man. Took him 10 years before he married the most wonderful, sensitive and caring soulmate. She works part time while their kids are in school. He now owns the company and does about 30 hours a week and spends the rest of it on their farm. His first wife, well the guy she ran off with was nothing but a womanizer with money. She now lives in a trailer court with a guy on disability.
Idealism, even extreme, from many positions, can be ok if shared, not if dictated.


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## alleyyooper (Apr 22, 2005)

I was 38 when I got married and had depended on my self for cooking and all the cleaning. Then when I found a woman who didn't need a semi truck to haul her make up home from the store I was pretty happy. 
Once we got married I asked her to quit her job and stay home and take charge of every thing. She told me she liked her job and wasn't going to stop doing it.

As it worked out she worked days and I worked nights, Along about 2:30 PM I would fix supper eat and head off to work leaveing rhe left overs in the oven of fridge which ever served best with a note on the kitchen counter.

I would get back home at 7:00 AM from work, walk in to the house to the smell of breakfast. some times the breakfast smell was just the gallon of milk open and the kids having cereal. But many times it was eggs (scrambled had to give them to the dog at first till she learned.) bacon a slice of ham or just eggs and toast. Some times it was pancakes and other times it was waffles.

I worked week ends to so a lot of times the meal we shared before I left for work together was we ate out for the change. some times a fancy feast some times just rotten Ronnies.

Today retired we eat breakfast seprate because she sleeps in and I being a night person get up really early Like 2:00 AM this morning. I fix for my self and she fixes for her self, come dinner ( she still calls it lunch some times) she will fix some thing most times while I am out and about doing stuff around the place.
Some times before I head ou tthe door she will ask if I will or want to cook some thing for dinner on the stove, grill or just nuke some thing.

For our supper we work together on some thing, is fun and even this old coot likes to play grab every so often

My mom was a stay at home Mom on a dairy farm. Wasn't many meals she didn't cook for many years on a wood burning cook stove.
Dad did about every thing on the farm, mom helped milk, put up hay some times when rain was close at hand.

Was a different time back then many faimlys I knew both parents worked at home and the wife was rthe cook and bottle washer her main job was feeding the family and keeping evey one and thing clean.

I do know a married woman who thinks she is some sort of show piece and most of us think she does nothing except take form her man. She is the woman who no one care for at all.

 Al


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## happy hermits (Jan 2, 2018)

In our home my husband works out of the house I work in. I have worked out of the house many times in our marriage. The more self efficient we get the more work there is to do. I do most of the cooking. I do most of the canning and freezing. I do the cheese making and I pick most of the mushrooms shell the black walnuts. .The list could go on and on. We have four smallers freezers and a cold room. If my husband cooks it most times is something I have had my hands in at some point. I think it is whatever works for you and yours.


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## mzgarden (Mar 16, 2012)

I don't think your thinking is outdated - it appears to be based on the idea of team work.
For years when we were raising our kids, we both worked outside the home. House and yard/garden chores were split based on preferences and skills - sometimes we worked together and sometimes we had 'our own' jobs. Either way, if something needed doing and you saw it - you did it. The kids had jobs too.
When the kids were gone we upped sticks and moved rural. I kept my outside job and DH rebuilt, rehabbed, improved the property, house and land. I left at 6am and got home after 6pm. Most of the time he had dinner elements prepped and I cooked them up. Now, I'm retired. We work side by side on some things, then we also have things we do separately to keep this place going. It's about locking arms and facing the world and all it's challenges as a team. He does for me, I do for him, we do for ourselves.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

I run Pixie, Inc. my husband has said he does not want my job, and if offered would not accept. He works off the farm.

We learned over 30 years ago that each of have our strong suits, and the chores divvied up themselves. When the kids were little I'd work days and he worked nights, so he'd get the kids off the bus and start supper. I got them up and out in the morning. 

What IndyDave said is absolutely true, great post, thank you. 



IndyDave said:


> I see this as one of many manifestations of a larger point: Whenever two people try to out-give each other, there will always be abundance and when one or both tries to out-take the other, then there will be shortage. I can think of no part of the relationship where this does not hold true.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

Oregon1986 said:


> Feminists don't scare me,lol


Me neither.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Your relationship, your way of doing things. Someone else's relationship, keep out of it. He may be perfectly fine with the situation and maybe a cooked meal is not important if he is getting what he needs from the relationship.


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## geo in mi (Nov 14, 2008)

Since I was a kid then, I remember the 1950's quite well. Especially the annual 4-H fair and the Indiana State Fair--with huge buildings and row upon row of tables filled with the girls' summer projects---cooking, baking, and canning. That's mostly gone now and I'm not sure what has taken its place....Daily meals in a box, ready to eat? Panera foods?

I'm my own cook and bottle washer now--have been for a long time, and there are a lot of evenings when I think it would really be nice to sit down to supper--already cooked by someone who loved me enough to do so, day after day. But that's not to be. I would not accept someone in my life just to get a a plate of food every night, nor would I ever again expect someone to do so for me.

So I just quietly remember Proverbs 17:1 *Better to eat* a dry _crust of bread_ with _peace_ of mind than have a banquet in a house full of trouble.

geo


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## GTX63 (Dec 13, 2016)

Amen


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Oregon1986 said:


> I was told today that my way of thinking is from the 50's and outdated because I feel that housewives should cook dinner for their husbands. We live on a 94 acre piece of land with my SO other relatives in separate dwellings. Well his cousin and his wife live on the land,he works and she don't. Tonight and pretty much every night she acted annoyed that she needed to make something for dinner and said if he's lucky he'll get a corn dog. I know she hates cooking and all but really? It's my opinion that if your SO works all day and you don't,you should make dinner. Is it just me?


My Yvonne works, I do the majority of the cooking. Sometimes we work together on it, sometimes she does the cooking.


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## HDRider (Jul 21, 2011)

Some of this was very touching. The little glimpse into your lives is nice. Bless you.


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## haypoint (Oct 4, 2006)

People don't know what they don't know.
If a guy gets married right out of the home he grew up in, he may not understand what it takes to keep up a household. I see many women go from their parent's home, where Dad takes care of lawn care and vehicle maintenance and can always be counted on for shopping money. I think at least a year on your own where you learn what happens when the dishes don't get done or the bills not paid, that a jug of Tide costs $14 and doesn't last. Seeing for yourself what its like to work two jobs and come home and clean house and fix meals, gives a better view of shared responsibilities. If you've never held a job or cleaned a house, how could you value that?

Perhaps understanding each person's love language (there is an online test) is helpful, too. As an example gifts are not important to me, but praise is. Easier to feed if we understand the hunger in their soul.


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## IndyDave (Jul 17, 2017)

HDRider said:


> Some of this was very touching. The little glimpse into your lives is nice. Bless you.


This is very true. In my case, I wish I had the opportunity to put the things I understand to use.


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## farmrbrown (Jun 25, 2012)

mmoetc said:


> It’s not your relationship.





painterswife said:


> Your relationship, your way of doing things. Someone else's relationship, keep out of it. He may be perfectly fine with the situation and maybe a cooked meal is not important if he is getting what he needs from the relationship.



While that is true, after reading this entire thread, I think it should be a sticky thread for all those who are inexperienced and looking for relationship advice.
This thread is worth 1,000 hours of Dr. Phil, Oprah, etc.
:thumbs up:

ETA 
In answer to the OP question........No.
Good advice and good choices are timeless.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

farmrbrown said:


> While that is true, after reading this entire thread, I think it should be a sticky thread for all those who are inexperienced and looking for relationship advice.
> This thread is worth 1,000 hours of Dr. Phil, Oprah, etc.
> :thumbs up:
> 
> ...


Yes, good info but every relationship is different. You need to do what works for you and remember you are not in someone else's relationship and have no real idea if their needs are being met in other ways.

Some people don't care about a home cooked meal. Some would trade it for a foot rub every night. Maybe it might be sex or someone that listens to how your day went. Judging others relationships by what you might want or need is not relevant to their relationship. I personally would trade home cooked meals and eat a sandwich every night if I could get an hour massage every night.

The only real thing you can take from this thread is you need to figure out what you need and let the rest fall away. Especially comparing your relationship to someone elses.


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## farmrbrown (Jun 25, 2012)

I believe that falls under the category of being "equally yoked", that was mentioned earlier in this thread.
It's true for every relationship, but as you say, what one person's side of the yoke is what they can stand.


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## IndyDave (Jul 17, 2017)

painterswife said:


> The only real thing you can take from this thread is you need to figure out what you need and let the rest fall away. Especially comparing your relationship to someone elses.


Exactly. Matters of principle are universal. Specific details, for the most part, are not.


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## happy hermits (Jan 2, 2018)

It is true we all have our own relationships what works for me might not work for anyone else. Being married for a while one might think we have the answers .I think it boils down to respect for yourself and others. Just like we want our kids to learn from our mistakes and life lessons some people need to learn for themselves. Someday they will look back and see what they had.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

I think it’s pretty simple “she hates to cook”
You don’t have to be very bright to quickly learn never to allow anyone to cook for you that doesn’t like to cook.


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## hiddensprings (Aug 6, 2009)

I do the majority of the cooking in our house and I work full time and he is on & off work depending on the contracts he is working. He does cook occasionally and sometimes we cook together. I think that everyone finds what works for them as a couple. My oldest son works full time and my DIL rarely cooks. I see her as a “princess” who believes she should be served.....but heck I didn’t marry her so I just keep my mouth zipped.


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## keenataz (Feb 17, 2009)

farmrbrown said:


> While that is true, after reading this entire thread, I think it should be a sticky thread for all those who are inexperienced and looking for relationship advice.
> This thread is worth 1,000 hours of Dr. Phil, Oprah, etc.
> :thumbs up:
> 
> ...



To contradict you, 1000 hours of Oprah and Dr. Phil is worthless.

But to original post. there was a song "It's too much to expect, but it's not too much to ask". In my case,we both work,and we share the cooking, cleaning etc.


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

My Ex and I both worked outside the home. We seemed to naturally divvy up the chores along rather traditional lines, except I killed the spiders.
We used to called it penis and tit jobs....sounds crass but it was rather playful for us.


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

roadless said:


> My Ex and I both worked outside the home. We seemed to naturally divvy up the chores along rather traditional lines, except I killed the spiders.
> We used to called it penis and tit jobs....sounds crass but it was rather playful for us.


LMAO love it


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## Nsoitgoes (Jan 31, 2016)

I have always been the chief cook and bottle washer, even when I also worked outside the home. My late husband worked out of town a lot, so I and the kids did what needed done.

Now I am alone at home, so I am still in that role. When I visit Sweetie he does quite a lot of the everyday cooking though we frequently share the kitchen. I do the more specialized tasks: I bake bread, make ice-cream, make jams, preserves and do the canning. I also do things that he is less adept at such as photographing and listing his eBay sales. It is just a question of each contributing what they are best at.

Don't forget that some people actually enjoy doing things for the person they love. Presenting that person with a delicious meal, or a soothing massage, drawing them a fragrant hot bath, are expressions of love and to please that person gives pleasure, such actions are not a check-mark on a balance sheet.


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## Trixie (Aug 25, 2006)

It was definitely love in my case - 

It was definitely love that my husband did what he did all those years when all he ever wanted to do was be a policeman - it just wouldn't support a family.


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## Lisa in WA (Oct 11, 2004)

keenataz said:


> To contradict you, 1000 hours of Oprah and Dr. Phil is worthless.
> 
> But to original post. there was a song "It's too much to expect, but it's not too much to ask". In my case,we both work,and we share the cooking, cleaning etc.


Mary Chapin Carpenter! Love her.


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## farmrbrown (Jun 25, 2012)

Nsoitgoes said:


> Don't forget that some people actually enjoy doing things for the person they love. Presenting that person with a delicious meal, or a soothing massage, drawing them a fragrant hot bath, are expressions of love and to please that person gives pleasure, such actions are not a check-mark on a balance sheet.


That's it.
Another vote for a sticky on this thread.
Some good advice here y'all.


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## doozie (May 21, 2005)

I don't think it's outdated thinking, but what works for one couple wouldn't work for another. When I was a teenager many years ago, I knew of a very happy family, house was immaculate, kids had everything and more, but the mother didn't cook, at all, ever.
I don't know why, but it wasn't odd to them at all.
I cook most everything, and always have, but my husband is perfectly capable of making a fantastic meal all by himself too.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Oregon1986 said:


> I was told today that my way of thinking is from the 50's and outdated because I feel that housewives should cook dinner for their husbands. We live on a 94 acre piece of land with my SO other relatives in separate dwellings. Well his cousin and his wife live on the land,he works and she don't. Tonight and pretty much every night she acted annoyed that she needed to make something for dinner and said if he's lucky he'll get a corn dog. I know she hates cooking and all but really? It's my opinion that if your SO works all day and you don't,you should make dinner. Is it just me?


If that is the way you think then that is the way you think. Just need to find a woman who thinks the same way.

That whole notion of the 1950's being a time when women didn't work and wore pearls while they vacuumed and made meatloaf is a myth created by tv and advertising after the war. The fact that many feminist and the general public believe that and fight against it as an imposed norm shows how stupid we are.

Real people didn't live like that and women did work. Woman worked in the home as well as factories, shops, and offices. When I was a kid women even worked out of their houses doing laundry, babysitting, hemming and mending, giving haircuts. They did all that and still took care of the house, the kids, the meals.

Anyone wearing pearls, petticoats, designer heels, a full face of make up, and sporting a doo hair sprayed and fab like she just stepped out of the beauty parlor or a magazine is most likely wealthy enough to hire a cleaner and a cook.


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

There is nothing wrong with expecting a fair and equal share in the work load. In the case of the missing dinner it may be a question that requires further analysis. If she is not doing anything all day long then expecting a meal to be ready is not wrong in any way. If she has emotional or physical problems it may be wrong. If you the male never reciprocate by cooking or doing dishes or washing up or making her coffee or a drink or done the laundry or cleaned the toilet then this could a bit of strike action.

If she is doing what so many women do each day in the home and looking after kids or elder parents she may just be too tired to cook. Men are not the only ones who put in a hard days work. For months I used to go over to my neighbour, a new mom, after work and did her dishes and watched the baby just so that she could take time to have shower.

I think a time and motion study would be a great way to end many arguments between partners as to who is pulling their weight and who is not. For millennia this has not been the case and it still is all over the world as women's work has been constantly devalued. The problem has always been androcentrism.

*Androcentrism* (ancient Greek, ἀνήρ, "man, male") is the practice, conscious or otherwise, of placing a masculine point of view at the center of one's world view, culture, and history, thereby culturally marginalizing femininity.

As women have been allowed to be educated, fought and won the right to vote when it should have been as automatic as the right to vote for men and then with birth control and the freedom it gave over the ability to make long term plans there has been a big change. Of course the denigration of women who fight for their rights (feminism) has been relabeled FemiNazism by men who just sneer out of fear. Women have learned from men. No polite, demur or submissive woman ever changed history. Those who were the warriors who were beaten up and even died for the right to vote and in our recent history many have been fired from jobs just for demanding equal treatment and pay.


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## Bellyman (Jul 6, 2013)

Does cousin's wife work all day, too? If she works so hard that it's every bit as difficult for her to cook as her husband when he gets home from work, maybe I'd have a little sympathy. If she's just being lazy, I don't have much... except maybe for the husband. 

Hey, I'm all for men and women sharing the responsibilities of life. In mine and my wife's case, we are a little unusual in that she's the one working away from home. She's just better at making money than I am. But she's absolutely not of any inclination to want to manage it, so that's my job. And I do. I can cook but am the better baker so I usually do the baking and she does the cooking... but it can go both ways. I'm usually home to do the laundry so I normally do it. I do most of the grocery shopping. (I tend to be the one that sticks to the list. LOL!) I usually do the stuff like most of the mowing and working on cars, stuff she doesn't want to deal with, and that's fine. I do the heavy garden stuff but she's right there beside me with picking and processing and canning and freezing. We work together on stuff. We gravitate towards different stuff but neither of us feels like we're "unequally yolked". I think we have a pretty good thing going.


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## Trixie (Aug 25, 2006)

It is a matter of balance and something to be worked out by the people in the relationship. 

There has to be respect and love or that can't happen.

Marriage is not 50/50, though. It's 90/10 sometimes and 10/90 sometimes depending on what is needed in the situation to make things work.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

I guess it also depends on what kind contract the husband and wife, or whatever they are, come up with. If you work out who's chores are whos and does what and when, or how and when you will use team work for a specific task it can work out. My philosophy is that whoever is working or whoever is sick gets priority. Sick people need help and a man needs to cook and care for his woman when she is sick as well as take care of the kids and the house. Whoever is working outside the house for a paycheck needs to get out the door on time, have a packed lunch, clean and ironed clothes, and they need the car and gas to run it. Regardless of the sex of the person working that paycheck is important to the family and the family needs to revolve around the demands of that job. Likewise, life revolves around a newborn baby and the recovering mother after a birth. The man has to pick up the slack and take care of all of them as well as himself, the house, and his job. Priorities change and who the family needs to rally around changes.


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## Trixie (Aug 25, 2006)

City Bound said:


> I guess it also depends on what kind contract the husband and wife, or whatever they are, come up with. If you work out who's chores are whos and does what and when, or how and when you will use team work for a specific task it can work out. My philosophy is that whoever is working or whoever is sick gets priority. Sick people need help and a man needs to cook and care for his woman when she is sick as well as take care of the kids and the house. Whoever is working outside the house for a paycheck needs to get out the door on time, have a packed lunch, clean and ironed clothes, and they need the car and gas to run it. Regardless of the sex of the person working that paycheck is important to the family and the family needs to revolve around the demands of that job. Likewise, life revolves around a newborn baby and the recovering mother after a birth. The man has to pick up the slack and take care of all of them as well as himself, the house, and his job. Priorities change and who the family needs to rally around changes.


You nailed it.


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Ok I don't work but my wife just soon, cook, do Laundry, work on Vehicles, do Construction and Dishes.

Me I'll go hunting or fishing.

big rockpile


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## farmrbrown (Jun 25, 2012)

big rockpile said:


> Ok I don't work but my wife just soon, cook, do Laundry, work on Vehicles, do Construction and Dishes.
> 
> Me I'll go hunting or fishing.
> 
> big rockpile


It might be time to buy a lotto ticket. I don't know of many people that are THAT lucky!


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

Bellyman said:


> Does cousin's wife work all day, too? If she works so hard that it's every bit as difficult for her to cook as her husband when he gets home from work, maybe I'd have a little sympathy. If she's just being lazy, I don't have much... except maybe for the husband.
> 
> Hey, I'm all for men and women sharing the responsibilities of life. In mine and my wife's case, we are a little unusual in that she's the one working away from home. She's just better at making money than I am. But she's absolutely not of any inclination to want to manage it, so that's my job. And I do. I can cook but am the better baker so I usually do the baking and she does the cooking... but it can go both ways. I'm usually home to do the laundry so I normally do it. I do most of the grocery shopping. (I tend to be the one that sticks to the list. LOL!) I usually do the stuff like most of the mowing and working on cars, stuff she doesn't want to deal with, and that's fine. I do the heavy garden stuff but she's right there beside me with picking and processing and canning and freezing. We work together on stuff. We gravitate towards different stuff but neither of us feels like we're "unequally yolked". I think we have a pretty good thing going.


She doesn't work at all


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

big rockpile said:


> Ok I don't work but my wife just soon, cook, do Laundry, work on Vehicles, do Construction and Dishes.
> 
> Me I'll go hunting or fishing.
> 
> big rockpile


You have it pretty dang good


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

painterswife said:


> Yes, good info but every relationship is different. You need to do what works for you and remember you are not in someone else's relationship and have no real idea if their needs are being met in other ways.
> 
> Some people don't care about a home cooked meal. Some would trade it for a foot rub every night. Maybe it might be sex or someone that listens to how your day went. Judging others relationships by what you might want or need is not relevant to their relationship. I personally would trade home cooked meals and eat a sandwich every night if I could get an hour massage every night.
> 
> The only real thing you can take from this thread is you need to figure out what you need and let the rest fall away. Especially comparing your relationship to someone elses.


Why must one trade off some of what they need to get the rest of their needs met? My Yvonne and I need food, hour long massages, sex, along with other things to round out and have a full life. They seem like rather small things to us.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Hour long massages? You got it made.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

City Bound said:


> Hour long massages? You got it made.


Well, it is a forty five minute drive over to the next town and $50. But that gal needs to make a living too.


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## HDRider (Jul 21, 2011)

keenataz said:


> To contradict you, 1000 hours of Oprah and Dr. Phil is worthless.
> 
> But to original post. there was a song "It's too much to expect, but it's not too much to ask". In my case,we both work,and we share the cooking, cleaning etc.


Worse than useless, you wasted those 1,000 hours and you can't get them back...


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## Bellyman (Jul 6, 2013)

Oregon1986 said:


> She doesn't work at all


Speaks volumes...


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## SLFarmMI (Feb 21, 2013)

The short answer to the OP's question is -- maybe.

If all the husband is doing is working at his job, coming home, doing nothing else and expecting to be waited on while she is doing all the household chores, caring for the children, taking care of the yard and the myriad other things that are required to run a household, then she is working every bit as hard as he is. It isn't unreasonable for her to want a day or two off from the cooking. Does he get a day off from his job or is he working 7 days a week? If she is doing everything for the house, kids and cooking, then she is in fact working 7 days a week. Is the husband appreciative of her cooking (especially if she hates to cook) or is he one of those "not meatloaf again" critical types? Because if he is one of the latter types, he'd be lucky to get a corndog from me either and it would be shoved into one of his orifices and it wouldn't be the one below his nose.


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## Mish (Oct 15, 2015)

I stay at home (now because we have a disabled kid that needs help, but I stayed home with the kids when they were kids, homeschooled, the whole 9 yards), husband works full time. I used to work full time, and let me tell you, staying at home is not "not working." Especially with small kids, it's work that never ends, and there have been many, many days where I would do anything to go back to work to not hear one more second of screeching, whining, or having everything I say answered with a shouted, "NO!" followed by screeching or whining. Not talking to another adult human for days, having more chores than time to do them, especially when you realize those 3 loads of laundry you just finished but hadn't put away yet, well, one of your kids decided to help you with the dirty clothes by dumping a whole jug of laundry detergent into the clean basket. Or those days you decide to go grocery shopping but someone poops their pants in the store during the first trip so you have to leave everything, go home and change/bathe them, go start all over with the grocery shopping again. I could go on and on. It's work. It's harder work than "working" full time (and one of my full-time jobs was as a U.S. Marine, so, there you go).

The working husband knows when his work starts and when it ends, talks to adults in an adult manner all day and his work only takes up about a third of any given "workday." And he gets these weird days that he doesn't have to work called weekends. He's also compensated for his work both financially and with a feeling of self-respect, and the respect other people give him for working. Something stay at homes don't generally get, in fact they're often looked down upon by people who say things like, "She doesn't work at all." And I'm absolutely positive he's never had to deal with someone pooping their pants at work or screeching "NO!" at him repeatedly when he's asked them to do something.

Anyway, (not said in a mean way, just a realistic way) it's really none of your business who does what, or who doesn't do what. That's something the partners in the marriage work out, not the cousin or uncle or stranger living next door.


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## Trixie (Aug 25, 2006)

It's just that


Mish said:


> I stay at home (now because we have a disabled kid that needs help, but I stayed home with the kids when they were kids, homeschooled, the whole 9 yards), husband works full time. I used to work full time, and let me tell you, staying at home is not "not working." Especially with small kids, it's work that never ends, and there have been many, many days where I would do anything to go back to work to not hear one more second of screeching, whining, or having everything I say answered with a shouted, "NO!" followed by screeching or whining. Not talking to another adult human for days, having more chores than time to do them, especially when you realize those 3 loads of laundry you just finished but hadn't put away yet, well, one of your kids decided to help you with the dirty clothes by dumping a whole jug of laundry detergent into the clean basket. Or those days you decide to go grocery shopping but someone poops their pants in the store during the first trip so you have to leave everything, go home and change/bathe them, go start all over with the grocery shopping again. I could go on and on. It's work. It's harder work than "working" full time (and one of my full-time jobs was as a U.S. Marine, so, there you go).
> 
> The working husband knows when his work starts and when it ends, talks to adults in an adult manner all day and his work only takes up about a third of any given "workday." And he gets these weird days that he doesn't have to work called weekends. He's also compensated for his work both financially and with a feeling of self-respect, and the respect other people give him for working. Something stay at homes don't generally get, in fact they're often looked down upon by people who say things like, "She doesn't work at all." And I'm absolutely positive he's never had to deal with someone pooping their pants at work or screeching "NO!" at him repeatedly when he's asked them to do something.
> 
> Anyway, (not said in a mean way, just a realistic way) it's really none of your business who does what, or who doesn't do what. That's something the partners in the marriage work out, not the cousin or uncle or stranger living next door.


Good!!

I used to ask my husband to imagine what it would be like to never be able to leave the office - a wife a Mother seldom does. 

My daughter homeschools and I don't know how she does it - but she's pretty laid back about it and she has some really great kids.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Mish said:


> I stay at home (now because we have a disabled kid that needs help, but I stayed home with the kids when they were kids, homeschooled, the whole 9 yards), husband works full time. I used to work full time, and let me tell you, staying at home is not "not working." Especially with small kids, it's work that never ends, and there have been many, many days where I would do anything to go back to work to not hear one more second of screeching, whining, or having everything I say answered with a shouted, "NO!" followed by screeching or whining. Not talking to another adult human for days, having more chores than time to do them, especially when you realize those 3 loads of laundry you just finished but hadn't put away yet, well, one of your kids decided to help you with the dirty clothes by dumping a whole jug of laundry detergent into the clean basket. Or those days you decide to go grocery shopping but someone poops their pants in the store during the first trip so you have to leave everything, go home and change/bathe them, go start all over with the grocery shopping again. I could go on and on. It's work. It's harder work than "working" full time (and one of my full-time jobs was as a U.S. Marine, so, there you go).
> 
> The working husband knows when his work starts and when it ends, talks to adults in an adult manner all day and his work only takes up about a third of any given "workday." And he gets these weird days that he doesn't have to work called weekends. He's also compensated for his work both financially and with a feeling of self-respect, and the respect other people give him for working. Something stay at homes don't generally get, in fact they're often looked down upon by people who say things like, "She doesn't work at all." And I'm absolutely positive he's never had to deal with someone pooping their pants at work or screeching "NO!" at him repeatedly when he's asked them to do something.
> 
> Anyway, (not said in a mean way, just a realistic way) it's really none of your business who does what, or who doesn't do what. That's something the partners in the marriage work out, not the cousin or uncle or stranger living next door.


As to kids repeatedly screaming at a parent...... Sounds to me like poor management skills. One of my kids screamed at me too.... Once. But then again I was not big on using time outs or taking away cell phones for an hour. We had a bit more open line of communication. It got the message across swiftly, directly and much longer lasting.


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## Mish (Oct 15, 2015)

Trixie said:


> It's just that
> 
> 
> Good!!
> ...


Adding to your imaginary office you can never leave scenario - and everyone you work with is constantly way over the legal limit, annoyingly drunk. The kind of drunk where no one does anything productive and sometimes do things that are counterproductive, some of them get loud and belligerent, pick fights randomly, or start crying for no good reason. That makes it even more realistic


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## Mish (Oct 15, 2015)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> As to kids repeatedly screaming at a parent...... Sounds to me like poor management skills. One of my kids screamed at me too.... Once. But then again I was not big on using time outs or taking away cell phones for an hour. We had a bit more open line of communication. It got the message across swiftly, directly and much longer lasting.


Sounds like someone hasn't been around one or more tired toddlers when you absolutely have to go out with them because you have no one else to watch them and you are out of something absolutely necessary to survival (like food, or diapers, or any number of things), and no one to go get it for you because it's all your job. Please, try communicating with a 1-2 year old that desperately needs a nap but won't go to sleep no matter how long you leave them in their crib/bed and, since there are other children and people in the house that need things done, you can't spend all of your time coaxing them into what you need them to do. Let me know how that open line of communication works on a daily basis when you also have other extremely urgent things going on.

I was referring to the "NO!" stage that all kids go through when they start verbalizing. If you have more than one kid, that sequence of stages goes on forever as they each go through it. It's developmentally appropriate, for the record. It's the way that they start becoming a conscious individual.

edit - I said small children, not those old enough to have cell phones. Yes, communication typically works with those.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Old pillow cases make excellent baby sitters for the wee ones. Cut bottom corners off pillow case, insert child's legs, hang on wall. Kid stays out of mischief. Mommy gets chores done. 

An old freind of mine used to take care of his toddler by setting up the back of his little pinto station wagon with chicken wire "cage". He put kid in back of car, drove to his shop, opened back door so kid could watch him. Worked all day that way.


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## Mish (Oct 15, 2015)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Old pillow cases make excellent baby sitters for the wee ones. Cut bottom corners off pillow case, insert child's legs, hang on wall. Kid stays out of mischief. Mommy gets chores done.


You must have a much higher threshold for screaming noises than I do


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Mish said:


> You must have a much higher threshold for screaming noises than I do


They fuss a bit the first time, I'll give you that. But once they figure out screaming is not effective they calm down. After that they do fine.


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## Mish (Oct 15, 2015)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> They fuss a bit the first time, I'll give you that. But once they figure out screaming is not effective they calm down. After that they do fine.


My (this is confusing) sister's daughter-in-law has a toddler that is quite a handful. She put him in his room with a baby gate across the door at nap time one day out of sheer frustration at not getting anything done. He screamed for quite a bit, then quieted down, so she thought he had finally fallen asleep. Went to check on him a few minutes later and he was quiet because he was occupied with smearing the poop he had pulled out of his diaper all over the furniture and walls. Glad mine are grown when I hear stories like that!


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Mish said:


> My (this is confusing) sister's daughter-in-law has a toddler that is quite a handful. She put him in his room with a baby gate across the door at nap time one day out of sheer frustration at not getting anything done. He screamed for quite a bit, then quieted down, so she thought he had finally fallen asleep. Went to check on him a few minutes later and he was quiet because he was occupied with smearing the poop he had pulled out of his diaper all over the furniture and walls. Glad mine are grown when I hear stories like that!


I kinda like this devise used by my Native American ancestors. Similar to the pillowcase idea, but a bit more restrictive. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papoose


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## Trixie (Aug 25, 2006)

Mish said:


> My (this is confusing) sister's daughter-in-law has a toddler that is quite a handful. She put him in his room with a baby gate across the door at nap time one day out of sheer frustration at not getting anything done. He screamed for quite a bit, then quieted down, so she thought he had finally fallen asleep. Went to check on him a few minutes later and he was quiet because he was occupied with smearing the poop he had pulled out of his diaper all over the furniture and walls. Glad mine are grown when I hear stories like that!


Been there - done that!!

I will absolutely admit I didn't know how to handle kids. 

One (of the many things) that was a surprise for me was the fact children are different. 

It could have been the fact my children were all 6 years apart. Maybe they would have been more alike if they had been nearer the same age. 

But in so many ways, what had worked with one child, didn't work with the other.


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## Mish (Oct 15, 2015)

Trixie said:


> Been there - done that!!
> 
> I will absolutely admit I didn't know how to handle kids.
> 
> ...


I don't think age spread makes any difference. It seems like everyone is born with the personality they're going to have - not that it can't be affected by environment, but no one is going to convince me that it's not inborn after raising mine. Another thing that makes full-time multi-kid parenting so challenging, you have to come up with new solutions for each individual kid. You can't generally just rinse, wash and repeat. Challenging personalities tend to run in my family lol


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## MELQ (Feb 27, 2011)

I think whoever stays home ( woman or man) should be taking care of the house and cooking dinner. To me that shows love and respect for your family


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## krackin (Nov 2, 2014)

I love to cook, always have. My siblings and I are all very good cooks, it was encouraged and we could cook anytime we wanted. That included canning to making ice cream. Once on my own I never expected anyone to cook for me but greatly appreciated it. There have been many late suppers having to make them after working all day. 

Anyone doing a good job at housework all day has a tough job. It is never done, I'd rather run a shovel or hammer all day. I'll do that and still cook supper. Just don't drink my last beer.


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## Trixie (Aug 25, 2006)

Mish said:


> I don't think age spread makes any difference. It seems like everyone is born with the personality they're going to have - not that it can't be affected by environment, but no one is going to convince me that it's not inborn after raising mine. Another thing that makes full-time multi-kid parenting so challenging, you have to come up with new solutions for each individual kid. You can't generally just rinse, wash and repeat. Challenging personalities tend to run in my family lol


I learned that, but it really was a surprise.

As I said though, the Good Lord knew I could only handle one little one at a time. When the next sibling is 6 years older, you have someone to 'step and fetch' for you, etc. Also, they can already dress themselves, feed themselves and _sometimes pick up up after themselves - sometimes. _ It does make it easier. Of course, it also means you have kids in school - forever - and kids at home longer - that was a good thing.


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