# His retirment and Her retirment



## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

Okay, so here we are both retired. Fixed income for the most part but he has a part time job in the better weather. 
So basically he did retire. He holds the couch down or the chair a lot in the winter, with TV remote in his hand. Only does a few things outside. No hobbies. Gains weight in the winter and gets it back off in the summer. But not this year, he retained his winter weight. But he had 3 surgeries this year, so that slowed him down.

I feel like there is always something for me that needs doing. Like laundry, meals, the dishes, housework, running errands, etc. I rarely watch TV. The computer is my go to for info, and entertainment. I have my animals and they really keep me busy. More so in the better weather. 

I don't feel like I retired. Making meals and doing dishes is frustrating me. Never ending. It would be nice to have some help from him. He will cook once in awhile, but only the meat part of the meal. I have to find the side dishes. And then do all the clean up. Only thing he puts away is the milk at end of the meal. 

Yes I do appreciate him as a spouse. But this waiting on him hand and foot is getting old.


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## suitcase_sally (Mar 20, 2006)

Do what I did. When he asks "What's for dinner?", I answered "Whatever you fix."

I only wash my own laundry. If I cook dinner, he washes the dishes, or they just sit there.

When we were dating one of his "enticements" to marry him was, "We will split the bills and the chores down the middle." Well, the bills got split but the chores didn't, so I went on strike. When he makes a comment about the house being messy, I tell him that I did my part - what's left is his. One day he came out of the pantry wiping his face and said "There's a bunch of cob webs in there!!" "Where??", I asked. He stomped off to show me and when he pointed them out, I asked him, "Why are they still there?"

On a different note, scientists have said that one of the reasons that men die before women is because (just like yours) when men retire they _retire_, whereas women keep working until the day they fall over, so look at the bright side.


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## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

I have tried going on strike. That makes him really grumpy


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

So what if he is grumpy? Let him behave like a child and ignore him as you would a child. Since he is content with being so selfish - and lazy - it is up to you to take charge of your retirement. If you don't then you will have to accept that you will be doing everything as before. Talk to him. Tell him that you are tired of doing it all and that he can start by taking care of the meals and clean up for 3 days of the week. If he does not help then just prepare meals for yourself and let him take care of himself.


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## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

My husband thinks he is always right, even when he is wrong. There is no reasoning with him. I just do the best that I can. Winter is my rough time. Once spring gets here, things will be better. He will go back to work and I will have lots more peace and quiet. It is what it is. I just need to vent once in awhile.


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Ok my wife works Part Time. I fix most my meals. Go to the Gym 3X a week. Do the Laundry and Dishes and go Fishing and Hunting.

Know this don't help, try to get him involved with the animals and taking care of himself. Let him know he is needed.

big rockpile


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## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

I got to thinking about this more. The hubby is not lazy. He has had 3 jobs in his working career. The first one, the farmer sold the cows, the second one, the factory he was working at sold to the competition and they eventually closed this factory, and the 3rd one, he retired from. 
He just does not do housework. In over 35 years with this man, he has only done dishes 2x. If a bowl is dirty for example and he wants to use it, he will wash the ONE bowl and only that one.
He just got done plowing the driveway of snow. Now don't feel bad for him, his has a very nice tractor and it has a cab. And he swept the sidewalk out front. So total just under 30 minutes and he is back in front of the TV. Now if his hunting buddy shows up, they will visit and or maybe he will go out hunting, but guessing not. We have snow and it's cold. And he got his deer opening day so we have meat in the freezer that he cut and then I did the finer cutting , the grinding, and freezer prepped. He has mentioned that all the walking in the woods is bothering him this year. My train of thought is , if you don't use it, you lose it. 
-------------------
The only way he helps with my animals now, is he will hook up to the manure spreader and go spread it. Not in the winter, though because of snow in the fields. Now that I have ducks, he will build them water holding units if our little pond is dry, like it was this year. He does like the chicken eggs and had more interest in the chickens, till we lost the 8 year old rooster back in September, who started here as a chick. 
He can fixe his own meals. Like breakfast. Yesterday he had several peanut butter / jam sandwiches mid morning, so he wasn't ready for a noon lunch, and we did not have a regular meal till supper time because he was full. He snacks a lot on and off during the day. He just does his thing his way and as long as he has clean clothes to wear, there is food in the house, his TV programming gets paid on time, all is good.


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## Vahomesteaders (Jun 4, 2014)

Well my take is old fashioned. I was raised in a family where the man worked, handled all the outdoors chores and home upkeep and the woman took care of the inside cooking, cleaning and things of that nature. They worked together in the gardens and with the animals. My great grandparents did it that way. They were married 76 years. My grandpa never cooked a meal until her death at 92. She made breakfast lunch and dinner every day. Then did gardening and made quilts to sell. Grandpa worked the farm and was a furniture maker. They were the happiest couple you ever met. My grandparents and parents much the same. There have been no divorces in my family . Today I work and care for the homestead. My wife cares for the house and teaching the kids. Does the canning and soap making as well as other things. We are happy as ever. Married 17 years. I'm 35 and most of our friends are divorced because of no give and take and no traditional roles. It's a partnership of helping each other. Tell gin the things that bother you and try to get him to understand and help. But don't just stop doing them and play my way or the highway. It will make you both miserable. He sounds like he has worked hard and had a rough go with surgeries and such. So just ry to work together and compromise.


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## mzgarden (Mar 16, 2012)

How long have you both been retired? Just wondering if this is a temporary symptom of him having trouble defining who he is, without a job?

I recently retired, DH has been retired 5 years. DH can't sit still, so he's busy, busy busy. I'm more, um, sedate but I tell people I'm retiring 'to' something rather than 'from' something. I have a list of things I want to do, learn, expand. Sounds to me like your DH retired 'from' rather than 'to.' 

Is he happy with how he is or is he frustrated, depressed, defeated?


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## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

mzgarden said:


> Is he happy with how he is or is he frustrated, depressed, defeated?


He is happy. 
Only frustrated when I put the brakes on spending. His truck is 10 years old, and I told him no new truck till he gets his tractor paid off. That is his vehicle payment now and he still has 4 years to go on it. 
We have a fixed income and only 1 vehicle payment at a time. He gets to keep and spend his part time job money. That is not part of our household budget. He spends that as fast as he makes it, and when winter comes, he has none of it set aside for his extras. 
Defeated. Not him. 
You put a tractor seat under the man, and he can work all day long.


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## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

Vahomesteaders said:


> Well my take is old fashioned. I was raised in a family where the man worked, handled all the outdoors chores and home upkeep and the woman took care of the inside cooking, cleaning and things of that nature.
> He sounds like he has worked hard and had a rough go with surgeries and such. So just try to work together and compromise.


Yes on working hard for the both of us. Yes on old fashioned. 
Three surgeries, which was a broken ankle, a abscess, and the last one was to take out the screw pin in his ankle. And I waited on him hand and foot. 
I fell about 3 weeks ago, and had all I could do to stand up and walk for several days. I had to do all my household chores and feeding my animals with no help from anyone.
I did not go to the doctor but I probably should have. So I can't say what I damaged but the shooting pain sure put a big dose of reality in me.
-----------------------------
So I got to thinking more about this. What are my options ? 
Shut my mouth, and carry on as normal. 
Buy a dishwasher. Won't fit in the kitchen. 
Discuss it with him. Won't work, and I need to pick my battles. Anti dishes is a low priority one. 
Hire some part time help. Won't work as the budget can't handle it. 
Or skip a day now and then as long as he is not complaining.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

Hire someone. Have a high school girl come in after school for a half hour and have a set of chores for her (or him). Scrub the bathroom on Monday, Scrub the kitchen on Tuesday. Dust and vacuum on Wednesday, she can do the ironing if you have any, wash the dishes (run dishwasher) and the pots. She can wash the dishes everyday and wipe down the kitchen if that is what you want.

Enjoy your time.


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## RLStewart (Sep 10, 2006)

Well if you don't really feel like you can not feed him or do the housework and don't want to fight with him about it, maybe you can scale back a bit? Will he eat leftovers? Can you make extra so you can skip cooking for a day or two a week? Maybe buy or can up some soup and tell him he's on his own for lunches? Personally if I get overwhelmed I let the housework slide and if my husband doesn't like it then he's free to take up the slack. He never does but he knows better to complain about it and eventually I get caught back up.  I can see how it would be frustrating, my husband is good about cooking, etc but I'm sure my dad would have been just the same way as your husband had he made it to retirement age.


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## CountryMom22 (Nov 27, 2014)

We are a pretty traditional role kind of couple. He works full time and I work part time, running my hours around family obligations. The house, garden, animals and kids are my domain. He is willing to help me, as long as I tell him I need help and mention exactly what I need him to do. I've had several surgeries in the last few years and I insisted on doing as much for myself as possible, but he did help when asked.

This time of year I am very busy, and he has done the breakfast dishes a few times recently when I've had to leave the house early with the kids before he got up to make his own breakfast. So I made sure to tell him how much I appreciated the help. That makes him more willing to do more on his own than me nagging him does.

As far as having too much to do, which always seems to be a woman's lot in life, if I get too overwhelmed, then I just prioritize, and those things that aren't that important, wait. Right now, I should be washing the dinner dishes, but it's been a long day and I haven't checked in here in a few days. So this is my time. I probably will do the dishes before bed, but if not, they'll still be there in the morning!

But the one thing he knows not to do is complain that something isn't done! He wouldn't dare go there!


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## sisterpine (May 9, 2004)

It seems to me that early in our relationship we each sow seeds of what we want to reap in the future. Your husband planted flowers and now he reaps great things like maid service, house cleaning service, laundry service. You apparently sowed weeds...weed grow usually where you do not want them to (like around the middle). You have trained each other to be the way you are. So you have two choices realizing you cannot change another person. Your choices are to change yourself or continue on as you are (un happy). Your husband has no problem he is happy as a spring bird with his life and feels no need to make changes. You are the one who is unhappy and fortunately for you - you are the one you CAN change. I wish you the very best as you decide whether or not you are worth the changes you would like to make. Sis


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## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

Thank you for the responses. I appreciate them. 

I know I can't change him. I have the problem. Not him. It's just after 60 years of doing dishes, I am tired. So I do what I can. Had a cheap pizza the other day. Bought some bologna and he made sandwiches for a meal. Bought some fish and he put it in the oven last night with some French fries. He even timed it so when I came in from feeding the animals, he had it ready to start. So I got a warm meal instead of reheating something. And it beats me making the meal when I come in, cold and tired. 
I got to work with my animals yesterday afternoon and he took a ride by himself. He gets antsy if he sits too long. Then he mentioned his ankle was still bothering him. So we discussed him taking some walks weather permitting. Him and the basset. He just needs more to do. I mentioned a part time job for him in the winter, and that is a no go. The last few days, it has been better. So there is hope


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## rininger85 (Feb 29, 2016)

sisterpine said:


> It seems to me that early in our relationship we each sow seeds of what we want to reap in the future. Your husband planted flowers and now he reaps great things like maid service, house cleaning service, laundry service. You apparently sowed weeds...weed grow usually where you do not want them to (like around the middle). You have trained each other to be the way you are. So you have two choices realizing you cannot change another person. Your choices are to change yourself or continue on as you are (un happy). Your husband has no problem he is happy as a spring bird with his life and feels no need to make changes. You are the one who is unhappy and fortunately for you - you are the one you CAN change. I wish you the very best as you decide whether or not you are worth the changes you would like to make. Sis


I like this =) so true!. Am I the best husband? Probably not, but my wife had a pretty good idea of who I was before we got married... I haven't changed that much since then (of course we've only been married a few years). I think the worst thing you can do is complain something isn't being done, and go online to vent which will only make you more angry at him when he isn't even part of the conversation to know you are upset. As Sisterpine said you can only change yourself... so best to start by changing the expectation that he is going to contribute to cooking and cleaning. Don't expect him to, but if you want him to do something then ask him to do it. If he doesn't do it after you ask him to then you have a reason to get angry, but I don't recall my wife ever asking me to do something that I didn't get up from whatever I was doing and go do it no matter how much I didn't want to do it. And to me the easiest way to pick a fight is when my wife makes a claim that I don't help with anything (there have been a few times... but it's been a while so hopefully that doesn't happen again!).. then we're both going to be upset after we argue about how much I do that she doesn't ask me to do that she doesn't recognize as me contributing to the household. The best way to get me to do less is to complain that I haven't done something, or claim that I don't help with anything.

My wife does most of the cooking, cleaning, but I do help... its just that my priorities are different than hers. I'm OK with letting dishes sit in the sink for two or three days before they need to be washed... she prefers to wash them every night. If they sit for two or three days until we have a full sink then I wash them. When she feels the need to wash them every night it's not my fault she didn't give me the chance to do the chore my way in my time. I did put a new dishwasher in to help reduce the chore, but prior to that I hand washed them when I felt they needed done. 

Most of the time my wife enjoys cooking, but she works too so I do make it a habit to at least some times have dinner ready when she gets home from work (problem being most of the time I don't know when she will be home from work or if she decides to go get groceries or something after work without bothering to tell me, so it's not a daily thing by any means). Plus I'm not very adventurous when it comes to cooking... I can cook just about anything, but I don't enjoy it so if I'm going to cook there is usually a pretty small menu of things I'm going to cook unless she spells out the menu for the week of what she wants for dinner... then if it's something I'm comfortable with I'll have it ready when she gets home, but too often it's left to "what's thawed, or what's in the cupboard" to determine what's for dinner... so I do guide the food selections by taking certain foods out of the freezer when they sound good, otherwise my wife usually just tosses something together, and we have a much broader menu this way because she can come up with some stuff I've never heard of or would even consider eating if it were just me.

If she really wants something done she'll ask me to do it and I'll do it. Otherwise it waits until I feel like doing it. 

My dresser drawer was about empty last week, I was down to only a couple pairs of socks left and no khakis for work, so I went down to the heaping pile of laundry and sorted out my clothes and washed them. Did she get upset that I only washed my own clothes? No she was happy that I at least did one load of laundry that she doesn't have to do. I don't wash her clothes anymore because I got tired of getting yelled at for accidentally putting some delicate bra in the dryer and ruining it... my clothes don't get sorted when I wash them and I've never seen a 'delicate' setting on the washer or dryer... I toss them all in wash them dry them and take care of them. If her clothes can't be handled the same way I don't wash them, but it's still less work for her since I at least did that one load...

On the flip side, we've lived in our house for a little over 2 years now. She's mowed the yard about 1/10th of a time (she rode the zero turn mower for about 10 minutes the day I brought it home, then she's never made an attempt to mow again since then... but I don't complain about it). 

Her help with my house remodeling projects tend to be standing back and telling me what she thinks will look best, or if I need help and ask her she'll come help, otherwise she has no part of it... but I don't complain about it...

The only time she helps take care of the animals (other than the cats, because I wouldn't keep the cats if it were up to me, so they are hers to take care of) is if I go on vacation without her which I typically do one week a year that my father and I spend at our hunting property 600 miles from home. I don't complain about that either even when in the summer time some nights I don't get home until 10pm and still have to go out and do chores afterwards... it's my choice to have the animals I don't expect her to take care of them. 

Vehicle maintenance... don't even think she's going to attempt to help, and from time to time our schedules don't line up and she ends up taking her car to a shop and paying someone else to change the oil or change the brakes because I haven't got to it in a timely enough manner for her... 

Point of it all being that we have our own roles. If we need help we ask for help and we receive help, otherwise we don't know what is going on in the other person's mind. Worst thing you can do is get upset about something you didn't ask him to do because you just expected him to do it... guys and gals don't think alike, and we definitely don't prioritize things the same way, so if something needs done ask him to do it.... nicely! 

And whatever you do, don't try to take all of his relaxation time away by giving him a list of things to do that he can't relax a little every day... but since I mentioned lists... do make a list of things you'd like done around the house. Not a long list, but a list with maybe half a dozen things you'd like done and what order you'd like them done in... he might not do them in that order but he'll probably work on at least some of them and take in to consideration what order you want them done, but if he's anything like me he'll still re-prioritize your prioritized list to somewhat what you asked for and somewhat what he feels like doing... but eventually they'll all get done.



ladytoysdream said:


> You put a tractor seat under the man, and he can work all day long.





ladytoysdream said:


> I mentioned a part time job for him in the winter, and that is a no go. The last few days, it has been better. So there is hope


He has a nice tractor with enclosed cab that he enjoys spending time in... you want him to get a part time job for the winter... he needs spending money for the winter... why not spend the day in the tractor plowing driveways for other people instead of just at home? I don't know what its like where you live but where I live I'd love it if one of the farmers in the area stopped by and asked if I'd like them to plow my drive... I'd toss them some extra cash to save me from having to do it myself since I don't have as nice of tools to get the job done with... and calling someone up who plows for a living is just too expensive because I live too far from town they would charge me for gas mileage on top of plowing the drive... but there are several tractors driving by my house on a daily basis that I'd happily toss them some cash to spend 5 minutes cleaning my drive off on their way by.


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## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

rininger85 said:


> I like this =)
> And whatever you do, don't try to take all of his relaxation time away by giving him a list of things to do that he can't relax a little every day.
> 
> He has a nice tractor with enclosed cab that he enjoys spending time in... you want him to get a part time job for the winter... he needs spending money for the winter... why not spend the day in the tractor plowing driveways for other people instead of just at home?


I don't make the man a list. He does what he wants at his pace. 
Normally I do what I want done, and only if I am in a real pinch do I ask for his help. Like something that takes 2 people to do it. I had a dawn to dusk light out for my chickens for like 3 months. I finally got my son on the ladder to check it out. I believe it's called the driver, well that was bad. So the part was almost what a new unit would cost. So I was going to have the son replace the whole thing. Well husband decided it could wait till his ankle was healed and then he did it for me. Meanwhile I had no light in that area. So even if I can find help for some of my projects, I still end up doing 98 % of things myself. 

Plowing snow. That is what he retired from. I suggested him going to talk to his old boss and getting something part time. He said no way. Again like his summer money, it would have been HIS winter pocket money. I would be glad to see him busy and not sitting in the chair in front of the TV. He did plow our driveway yesterday and then his Uncle's and then the neighbor's ( his old farmer boss ) . He won't take any money for that. So when his summer money his gone, he will be drawing on the main budget for his gas money again. 
So his little ride yesterday was to run his old plow route. And nobody does as good a job as he does. Which is true. He is very good on a tractor or a snow plow, or any other big equipment. 

Better I air my frustrations online, than to his face.


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## dsmythe (Apr 21, 2013)

Ladytoysdream;
I feel your pain, I had cows, horses, goats, chickens, and dogs. I cared for them my self. She never once helped. She did not help with any building projects I had, save one, she held the ladder for me one time when I was putting on a roof over my horse barn. This was/is OK with me. I started a new job that took a lot more time and I started selling off what I was not able to care for. None of my projects produced any income so it was no great loss other than I do miss terribly my animals. The last ones I gave to my neighbor who was building a chicken coop but had no birds. I donated my flock to him, worked out really well for both of us. I had surgery and was unable to feed, water, and gather eggs. I still go visit them when I want to and have all of the eggs I want.
My wife lost her leg 3 years ago and does not seem to want to do anything but "play" on the computer. We are both retired, She taught cosmetology at local Vocational School. She loved it but had to quit for health reasons, she still has students talk to her for advice. I bought her a knitting loom, she made hats for all of our kids and grand kids plus more to sell at local flea market. She flooded the market with boggens. I bought her a jewelry making kit, she fell in love with this project, now our dinning room looks like a jewelry factory. That is OK with us, she has lots to do and enjoys what she does. If your hubby likes to hunt does he like to shoot? I have spent many hours reloading my own bullets and love that, I bought a lathe and do wood turning.
I know what you mean about the tractor seat thing. I LOVE my tractors. I could spend all day on them. If my wife could figure out how to put a mop on my tractor I could mop the floor everyday;^).
Now, being serious, I do ALL of the cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, errands, pay all bills, I help her bathe, iron her clothes, my clothes, feed, water our 2 dogs plus anything else that needs to be done, I promise. I get/am overwhelmed at times. She is frightened when I go away for anything, she is fearful I won't come back. This is all hard for me to deal with. I am saying all of this to say, YOU do have a "Tough Row To Hoe" as we say down here in the south. Feeding animals is NOT easy. Add snow, ice, bad weather and it is worse. I have been there. Do your animals contribute to your income? Mine did not so that made it easier for me to let them go to another home. I do not have a solution to offer up. Sometimes it is just good to know that someone else understands what you go through. My friends here at home don't seem to care about what I have to do before I can go be with them, I work with the Gideons and volunteer at our local soup kitchen, this gives me an out. My wife can care for her self for small bits of time, she would need extra help if I were not here so she does need me. We have been married 46 years.
You seem like a wise lady. You do not sound whinny. You will figure out what to do and how to handle this and it will pass as most challenges do. Do you have close friend near by? Do you just go off by yourself and do some thing "just for YOU?" It helps if you do.
Like I said I am not trying to fix this, as my advice, if I had any, would not help you. I do trust in God and trust Him to help me. He has not failed yet.
Your Venting has helped me ALOT. Thank you for sharing. It is hard to muster up courage to share and you have done that. I will keep you and your hubby in my prayers if that is OK.
Dsmythe


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## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

dsmythe said:


> Ladytoysdream;
> I feel your pain, I had cows, horses, goats, chickens, and dogs. I cared for them my self. She never once helped.
> My wife lost her leg 3 years ago and does not seem to want to do anything but "play" on the computer. We are both retired,
> Your Venting has helped me ALOT. Thank you for sharing. It is hard to muster up courage to share and you have done that. I will keep you and your hubby in my prayers if that is OK.
> Dsmythe


THANK YOU for your kind words and understanding where I am coming from. I feel your pain also. 

I am just so frustrated lately. I want to see the hubby busy again. Not sitting in front of the TV so much and listening to him complain about every thing, is getting old real fast. 
I have a good number of chickens and they pay their way. My chicken eggs cover their feed bill. I enjoy the animals and they keep me going. He knows this and lets me do my thing. I just got done spending 2 hours to move all the manure outside to the pile. The chicken coop and then the rabbit drop pans. It is time consuming the way my set up is. I grew up on a farm and always have had animals. I cut way back for the winter every fall, and then seem like a magnet to new animals that need a home. Winter is a hard time in my area. But I make do. Being outside working is the best for me.

Yes he does hunt. He got a deer this season for our freezer. No he is not into reloading. That would be a good hobby for him. Never had a interest in it.


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## rininger85 (Feb 29, 2016)

ladytoysdream said:


> I don't make the man a list. He does what he wants at his pace.
> Normally I do what I want done, and only if I am in a real pinch do I ask for his help. Like something that takes 2 people to do it. I had a dawn to dusk light out for my chickens for like 3 months. I finally got my son on the ladder to check it out. I believe it's called the driver, well that was bad. So the part was almost what a new unit would cost. So I was going to have the son replace the whole thing. Well husband decided it could wait till his ankle was healed and then he did it for me. Meanwhile I had no light in that area. So even if I can find help for some of my projects, I still end up doing 98 % of things myself.
> 
> Plowing snow. That is what he retired from. I suggested him going to talk to his old boss and getting something part time. He said no way. Again like his summer money, it would have been HIS winter pocket money. I would be glad to see him busy and not sitting in the chair in front of the TV. He did plow our driveway yesterday and then his Uncle's and then the neighbor's ( his old farmer boss ) . He won't take any money for that. So when his summer money his gone, he will be drawing on the main budget for his gas money again.
> ...


It was just a suggestion... if you are that upset that he's not doing anything then making a list of things you'd like help with will help get them done. It just needs to be approach properly and not be an overwhelming list. Otherwise he's just going to sit in front of the TV and not do anything. I think I'm fairly qualified to say that it would help a lot being that I am a guy and that I probably have similar aspirations to your husband to just relax in front of the TV... but if you don't want to that's fine you can just continue being angry that he's sitting in front of the TV and not helping you instead.

Venting online just be careful that you don't create more hate and discontent because you are complaining and nothing is changing. That seems like the most likely recourse, but again guys think differently so maybe that's just me that if I were here complaining about my wife instead of talking to her directly I know it would cause more hate and discontent for myself.

I won't bug you anymore since it doesn't seem like you really want to overcome the issues, you just want to vent and have people feel sorry for you, so I'll move along.


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## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

ladytoysdream said:


> I am just so frustrated lately. I want to see the hubby busy again.


I don't get it. This isn't just "your" problem, like someone mentioned. If you are doing ALL the cooking, cleaning, dishes, etc, then it is his problem too. I don't understand the concept of "traditional" roles. Ok, so maybe when you were younger he worked and you took care of the home. I get that. Now you are both home, both retired. It is not fair for you to continue to do ALL of the housekeeping and for him to sit on his duff and expect it. 

How is that a loving and equal relationship? How is it ok for him to see you struggle and not get a break and to sit there and not do anything?

You want to see him busy? Hand him a rag and point to the dishes. Hand him a pot and tell him to cook dinner. 

Sit down and talk with him. Tell HIM what you're typing here. Typing here won't do anything except make you feel better temporarily. Changing the way things are done will solve the problem, not just put a band-aid on it. 

Roles change, and maybe once upon a time men didn't do housework. Times change, and now he's not working, so it's only fair for him to do his share of the work. Cook together, clean together. Or separate chores. Everyone needs to pull his/her own weight and not expect others to take up the slack.


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## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

rininger85 said:


> It was just a suggestion... if you are that upset that he's not doing anything then making a list of things you'd like help with will help get them done. It just needs to be approach properly and not be an overwhelming list. Otherwise he's just going to sit in front of the TV and not do anything.
> I won't bug you anymore since it doesn't seem like you really want to overcome the issues, you just want to vent and have people feel sorry for you, so I'll move along.


I appreciate your time to type a response to me. I am trying to look at the problem from a man's view also. Thinking outside the box. Don't you dare leave.
I am not angry. Just frustrated. Yes there is a difference. 
Most of the time, I don't mind the cooking and the dishes. Just when he complains about what I cook. I have told him he has 3 options when he complains. Either eat what I cook, make it yourself, or go to town and buy some fast food. That usually quiets him down for awhile. 
Today the light bulb came on. I am going to quantity cook and do all the dishes as I go along. Got a loaf of bread rising in the pan already. Planning on stuffed cabbage for lunch, and venison stew for supper. Some kind of baked goodies, like brownies maybe or a cake. That should give leftovers for a day or so. Then freeze any leftovers if necessary. Maybe tomorrow or the next day, I will make another 2 big pots of something. 

A list does not work. I suggest something if it needs to be done. We are current with things. He took the trash out this morning, and I rounded up the recyclables and the few soda bottles. 
I got a load of wash in the dryer. I stay current with the laundry. 
He plowed the driveway already. He is watching TV now, and I am taking a break on the computer. I already mentioned what I am planning for lunch and he is good with that. 

Looks like a nice quiet day today


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## TheMartianChick (May 26, 2009)

I come at this from a slightly different perspective. My dad retired right before my senior year of high school. My mom retired a year later. During dad's first year of retirement, he didn't do much of the household work. He did continue to do the tasks that he'd always done, like mow the lawn and shovel snow. He spent his time watching tv. Before mom retired, she laid down the law and told him that she had no intention of cooking 3 meals per day. She agreed to cook one meal at noon and said that they were each on their own for breakfast and dinner. She also said that if she was cooking the one meal, then dad would have to wash the dishes. That was back in 1988 and they still follow those rules.

I took a different approach when my hubby retired almost 2 years ago and we did go through some growing pains as to how we manage our day-to-day activities. Hubby is a morning person and complains heartily while loading the dishwasher at the crack of dawn. He thinks that no one else will do the dishes if he doesn't do it. Honestly, I've been doing the dishes for years but I wait until after lunch to run the dishwasher and perform other household chores. I cook a full meal about twice per week now and never on the weekend.

We each have a different perspective as to what retirement looks like. At 46, I feel that I'm too young to stop earning and know that I'd never last 6 months without some sort of structure in my life. As I work and study from home, I prefer for the house to be quiet. He is a bit of a noise box and he watches a lot of sports and news coverage. 

We've certainly clashed in the past couple of years, but we try to focus on the things that we can agree on. We both like to travel and find inexpensive activities to do. Hubby has his chess and football friends and I mostly interact with my friends online. I think that we both had some preconceived notions about what our retirement would look like. The reality is whatever we actually make of it. If I drag my hubby down, then he won't be able to enjoy the type of retirement that he envisioned. My retirement dream is equally important and valid, so he has to respect that, too.


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## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

I think now it's our winter schedule that is still coming together. Spring, Summer, Fall , he has his part time job and I get lots of me time, to do what I like to do. Right now, he has my truck pinned in for the winter. Not good. His truck and his tractor take priority. If I want to go to town, I can take his truck or we can go together. We live on a hill, so sometimes, I don't like the road conditions, and am content to stay home. 

Well I was really good today. Got the cabbage meal in the oven and made the stew. Both from scratch.
So he ate both for lunch.....the cabbage meal and a bowl of venison stew. Not what I planned on, but both were done at the same time. Leftovers now in fridge 
Even made a fresh cabbage salad. No compliments but no complaints, so I am golden. And best part, the dishes are all done  Now if the bread would finish rising, I can put together something else for the oven. I even cooked a pot of the veggie scraps for the chickens. That should get me some brownie points 

So he is cooking his breakfast now. If I make a big meal for lunch, then supper can be leftovers. Last night he said he was not hungry but I opened a can of soup for me and he ate the other half.


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## ceresone (Oct 7, 2005)

times really change, don't they. raised 4 children, never did their father change a diaper, feed them, or get up in the night. house, farm chores were all on me--that was expected at that time. however times hve changed, daddys change as many diapers as mom does--and they clean house. doggone, i should have been born later--now, I'm alone--and still have to do everything that needs done. I understand your pain--maybe its just the way he was raised--try, gently, to include him more and more--perhaps before long he will do it without thinking


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