# Our number's up!



## Miss Kay (Mar 31, 2012)

I had a co-worker die this week. He was a year younger than me and has been retired less than a year. He was healthy, got a cold, got pneumonia, and died, just like that. Last week we buried the best man in our wedding. He was our age but had cancer for years. I could go on and on but you get the point. We now know more people dead than alive and many of them are younger than we are. I am not at all afraid of death, what I fear is pain and a long drawn out expensive burden on my husband and our son.

This isn't something people talk about and I wonder if they even think about it. It seems folks go through life thinking it will come someday but not for many years yet. That may be true but what if this is the year. What a mess that would be. We have a huge house and a small farm with several tractors, tons of farm equipment, lots of animals, barns full of stuff, etc. I would not have a clue how to go about cleaning all that out or what to even do with it if my husband were to pass (he's been disabled for years and he gets worse each year). Our son lives a thousand miles away and I would never want to burden him anyway.

If I go, my husband wouldn't even know how to claim my retirement benefits or where the titles are to things including the papers on the registered animals. I've told him but I could tell he wasn't paying attention and would never remember. No matter who goes first the other will have to sell the farm and move into a smaller place. It's hard to plan when we don't know who or when this will all happen and I'm panicked.

I want to think as if this year is our last. I want to get rid of everything that we are not using and most likely will never use. My husband is a collector and we have stuff that we have hauled with us from place to place for over 40 years and he has never used it and never will. But, he does not want to part with it. He's one of those who doesn't want to think about it or deal with it. He doesn't seem to notice that so much of the work around here is not getting done. We've tried to hire help and they have all been a disaster. They are either lazy, crooks, or break everything they touch. I hate to bring things up to him because it just makes him feel guilty that he is not physically able to keep up and then he over does it trying to get things done to please me. 

So, have you thought about it? How do you feel about the end or worse, how do you feel about being dependent and a burden? Would you sell out and move if your spouse didn't want to? How would you get rid of all the extra collected stuff knowing he would hate it? How do you deal with having to be the one to make those hard decisions for both of you when the other one doesn't seem to want to think about it. 

I made the first move tonight and told him I am selling our youngest horse. I also told him I want to have a sale in Feb (great weather here and folks get their refund) so we need to spend the winter going through and dividing out what stays and what goes. He just said OK and no discussion which means he'll do what he has to but won't like it. I sure hate getting old.


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## dsmythe (Apr 21, 2013)

Miss Kay;
I just retired. My wife is in poor health. If I go first we have talked it over. She will sell our place and move closer to one of our kids. They are 41, 45, and 46. We are 63 and 66. I have 3 tractors and some equipment. I have told her who to call to help her. I have worked with some great people in my life and I trust them. They would help her liquidate everything that my son did not want.
I just had our wills updated. My youngest daughter is our executor of our wills. I showed her where our wills are and explained to her what she would need to do. My son is our computer guru. He knows where all of our accounts and pin #'s are located. I still need to sit down and make a written record for our Insurance policies and who to call.
I pay all of our bills and do all of the business in our family so if my wife passes before I do I will be able to take care of everything. We are just now starting to talk about our final wishes, who would speak at our celebration of life services. We are still talking about where we would like to be buried. We both agree on which cemetery, we just have not picked out our plots. My wife is the collector. She has 1000's of books. She has read them all. We have fussed about getting rid of them as she has them down loaded on her tablet now and prefers to read them there. She finally agreed that I could get rid of all of her books BUT Beverly Lewis and Janette Oke. I am collecting boxes to start that part of our journey. I will just take them out of the house one box at a time so she won't miss them as much.
I got rid of all of our animals. I found them good homes. That was my biggest concern to make sure they would not be abused. Our horses went to people who we knew would be able to care for them. We did not obligate them to let us oversee their care. We just knew the people and had to trust them. So far we are happy with our choices.
This is one of those things we do not want to think about but it will be a lot easier for those who are left to "clean up our mess" I always tell people "there will be lots of tears at my funeral, we have a house full of stuff that will have to be removed and they are going to cry when they find out we are gone".
I think in one sense this softens the blow if we start before we are gone and work together on it.
I sure hate getting old also but I sure have enjoyed life up to this point even with all that has been less than enjoyable. I can't complain. God is Good!


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## Belfrybat (Feb 21, 2003)

I live alone and have recently moved so right now don't have anyone in this area who could step in after I die. I'm actively trying to remedy that. My long-time friends are either dead or ailing in some way. Trying to make friends and review in my mind who might be a good candidate to have my POA and such. That sounds strange as I read it over, but with no family someone is going to have to do it.

I did make up a folder with pertinent details -- will, copy of do not resuscitate form, contacts, and what to do about the cats -- and it is stored at the church. But I hate to burden the staff with that if I do die. But at least it is a start. Hopefully this next year I'll find a couple of people who would be willing to be my POA. 
I just thought -- as an incentive I could leave them my silver bullion as a thank you gift for handling my affairs. That just came to me writing this. So thanks, Miss Kay for starting this thread.


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## po boy (Jul 12, 2010)

Miss Kay said:


> I had a co-worker die this week. He was a year younger than me and has been retired less than a year. He was healthy, got a cold, got pneumonia, and died, just like that. Last week we buried the best man in our wedding. He was our age but had cancer for years. I could go on and on but you get the point. We now know more people dead than alive and many of them are younger than we are. I am not at all afraid of death, what I fear is pain and a long drawn out expensive burden on my husband and our son.
> 
> This isn't something people talk about and I wonder if they even think about it. It seems folks go through life thinking it will come someday but not for many years yet. That may be true but what if this is the year. What a mess that would be. We have a huge house and a small farm with several tractors, tons of farm equipment, lots of animals, barns full of stuff, etc. I would not have a clue how to go about cleaning all that out or what to even do with it if my husband were to pass (he's been disabled for years and he gets worse each year). Our son lives a thousand miles away and I would never want to burden him anyway.
> 
> ...


Write it down, give him and your son a copy.


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## kinnb (Oct 23, 2011)

I'm terminal...and live alone with my service dog and service dog in training. I have had to think about all this much more than I would like at just shy of 50. 
I have multiple copies of all the important docs distributed digitally between several people, including where the dogs live next, have assigned an executrix, become minimalist with the exception of prep stuff, and generally have spent the last few years setting up all to have as little a mess to clean up as possible. I have zero family involvement; all the peeps involved are tribe of choice, and it definitely took lots of planning. Things also don't stay the same, so every time we move (like from CT to FL in 2015) or add a service dog or any of that, a ton of that paper/digital has to be re-engineered, etc. 
Sending all of you kudos for trying to settle what you can now. It is not easy doing it or thinking about it...


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## Miss Kay (Mar 31, 2012)

Thank you everyone. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, Kinnb at such a young age. I like that you are not in denial or trying to hide but are facing reality head on. I think I would have a sense of peace if we had less to worry about (sell the excess and organize what's left) and then I could enjoy the time we have left. We are all terminal as none of us get out of here alive. It's that whole timing thing that makes it so complicated. I just need help in learning how to manage the senior years, just like I had to learn how to be a young mom or how to survive high school. It's normal to worry about this until we get the hang of it. I'm learning from you guys.


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

Belfrybat said:


> I live alone and have recently moved so right now don't have anyone in this area who could step in after I die. I'm actively trying to remedy that. My long-time friends are either dead or ailing in some way. Trying to make friends and review in my mind who might be a good candidate to have my POA and such. That sounds strange as I read it over, but with no family someone is going to have to do it.
> 
> I did make up a folder with pertinent details -- will, copy of do not resuscitate form, contacts, and what to do about the cats -- and it is stored at the church. But I hate to burden the staff with that if I do die. But at least it is a start. Hopefully this next year I'll find a couple of people who would be willing to be my POA.
> I just thought -- as an incentive I could leave them my silver bullion as a thank you gift for handling my affairs. That just came to me writing this. So thanks, Miss Kay for starting this thread.


 ..............If , you find someone to act as the executor of your estate and reward them with silver , add a provision to your will such that the silver will be kept in a lockbox at the bank and will not be released until the will is probated and all assets have been disbursed , and all bills paid . , fordy


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

Miss Kay said:


> I had a co-worker die this week. He was a year younger than me and has been retired less than a year. He was healthy, got a cold, got pneumonia, and died, just like that. Last week we buried the best man in our wedding. He was our age but had cancer for years. I could go on and on but you get the point. We now know more people dead than alive and many of them are younger than we are. I am not at all afraid of death, what I fear is pain and a long drawn out expensive burden on my husband and our son.
> 
> This isn't something people talk about and I wonder if they even think about it. It seems folks go through life thinking it will come someday but not for many years yet. That may be true but what if this is the year. What a mess that would be. We have a huge house and a small farm with several tractors, tons of farm equipment, lots of animals, barns full of stuff, etc. I would not have a clue how to go about cleaning all that out or what to even do with it if my husband were to pass (he's been disabled for years and he gets worse each year). Our son lives a thousand miles away and I would never want to burden him anyway.
> 
> ...


 ...............I'd call your son and ask him if he would like to retain the land and house ! I'd also ask him what major items such as tractors and implements he would like to keep for farming purposes , assuming he has an interest in such. Once you'll have settled on those specific details , you can exclude those items when you hold your auction in 2017 . 
................He , really should take some time OFF , and spend a week with you and his dad and go over your assets so he has full knowledge of your plans . This situation is much simplified since he is your only child . I believe I would call him and ask to spend the days between Christmas and New Years , at Home , helping you to get your estate organized and ready for the auction . I just realized I repeated myself about contacting your son ! lol , fordy


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

............Also , IF your total assets are greater than 2 million , you can safe harbor atleast 2 mill , IF you place them in a trust so your net taxable estate doesn't have to pay the 55% minimum federal estate tax . Your son and all other designated heirs will receive their total distribution (s) , without the executor having to write a big fat check to the IRS , before any distributions can be made . , fordy


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## jwal10 (Jun 5, 2010)

Don't give up so easy. Not over till it's over, there is always hope. You need to get on the same page. Making him do it will not come out good in the end if he doesn't want it. Keep talking to him, tell him what you want for both of you.

My Mom had to do the same. Dad was 80, had broken his neck, still farming full time with my Brother. She stood up and said it was over, told Dad and Brother why. "They hadn't worked all their life to lose it now" They had loans against the farm, sold out and moved to town, a new house and he lived to be 95.

I have always been minimal. Had a good job and made good money but I was miserable, tired and just decided to retire one day, turned in the date. I had a few small collections of building materials. Thought I was done but some good deals came up for lots and we bought them. I am finishing my last 3, 1 more to go. It will be my masterpiece. I will put all my craftsmanship into that one and be done. Just a matter of knowing when you are done....James


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Miss Kay ,

You can always do as my first wife did and get a fire storage box to keep all important papers for each in and instruction manuals for each of you.

When she died in an accident coming home from work between our last one standing box , her remaining monthly budget ledger and the freezer full of meals for two we had, she literarily kept my widower household going as she had for the three years and 19 months of marriage we had been together before she died.

By the time her monthly planner and freezer stores ran out, I was running my household of one and looking to my future life as I lived within my budget.


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