# Thinking about divorce... (Adult topic-M)



## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

I don't even know where to begin...

3 days after my husband and I were married, I found out that the ENTIRE time we had been together he had been posting personal ads online and chatting with other girls...

I felt stuck. Had I known, or even had a CLUE, before we were married I would have just walked away. But, I felt like because we were now married it was my job to stay & work it out. He swore he would take them all down & never do it again. He said that the only reason he even had them up was because he thought I would leave him & he didn't want to be alone. Kind of like he was "hedging his bet."

Well, a few short months after that we hired a new gal at work... I was training her so we had all sorts of time to chit-chat. I should also tell you that my husband has a really unique 1st name. I have never heard of anyone else having it, so when I said his name this poor girl looked like she wanted to vomit.

She asked how long we had been together & then she tols me that she was SO sorry, but she thinks she had slept with my husband... PARDON!?!? She said she met him online, they talked, they eventually met & had oral sex at his work (he was an arms instructor and she could describe every single detail about his office on the range). She was crying & saying she was SO sorry and she had NO clue that he was married or even with someone. We compared dates & we weren't married at the time, it was the 1 weekend (less than 1 month before our wedding) that I went out of town to visit my parents...

I called him & told him that when he came to pick me up from work he should run in for a bit & meet the new girl. He did because he had NO clue. You could tell from the look on his face that he was busted, but he straight out lied. Even when she confronted him. To THIS DAY he still says that Lisa was just some psycho who was just making crap up. I have dealt with the fact that he did what I know he did (I don't like it & I don't agree with it, but I have had YEARS to deal with the issue) my problem is that he still lies right to my face about it. If he could admitt what he did, we might be able to build some trust.

TMI, but... We have made love maybe 3-4 times a year since we have been married... He wont touch me but I have caught him looking at all sorts of hard-core porn. I told him that really hurts me because if he was just not a sexual person I could deal with it... But, the fact is that he is sexual, just not with me. He swore that he would stop, but I am still finding porn on his laptop. Before anyone starts in on me about spying on him... The last time I found porn it was actually the internet repair guy who found it... He signed on to his PC to check the connection and nothing but porn started popping up... How embarassing... Oh well...

Some of you may remember what a terrible time I had with his family while I was pregnant... Well, 3 weeks before I was due to deliver our little girl my mom called me and told me that she had over $1000 missing from her debit card & all the charges were payments for Verizon cell phones. We had Verizon & the number was my husband's... So, I went on the Verizon website and checked and sure as can be, he had been using my Mom's account to pay his bill... My parents have done SO much for us & they adore him so this was like a HUGE slap int he face. I checked his call log & almost every single call was a randon number that I didn't know. So, I called it (after I called his family to tell them what was going on). Turns out he had been chatting with one of his ex'es... 

This girl told me that she knew we were married, but not that I was 8 months pregnant & that although she had no interest in him, he was still coming on to her. She said he kept telling her that I was pathetic & he wanted to leave me. She told him to either get on with life & leave or stop griping about it. He said he wanted to just pack up HIS truck with all HIS things and bolt. Well, that would be tough concidering that I own EVERYTHING. The cars, the house... He came into our marriage with NOTHING (except thousands in debt that then became 1/2 mine...)

She said that she would NEVER want him back & then told me all about how when she was deployed he stole thousands from her bank account... Nice, eh? He lied & lied about it until she told them that hte bank had him on tape withdrawing $$$ and if he didn't pay her back she was calling the cops. 

Even his family went nuts on him... Which shocked me because their brother/son can do no wrong... He lied and lied. Said he was so happy with our marriage & he just wanted a friend to talk to & he thought I would get mad if he had a female friend (?!?!? NEVER have I EVER been that gilr, fyi...) and that the $$$ from my parents' account was just an error... That their info must have been on our computer when he paid the bill so the wrong card # must have been used. SORRY, why would my parents' info even be on our PC???

I wanted him out! I was having a fit and then BAM! Water breaks! Just like that... 3 weeks early, all due to stress... So, then what???

He's flooring it to get me to the hospital, stays by my side the 15+ hour labor, and when he saw his little girl he fell apart. I had never seen him act that way before... Stupid as it may have been I tried to put everything aside because I knew he loved his baby girl & I so wanted all this to work out, for her sake.

Things seemed better... Still no sex which cause a few tiffs, but nothing huge...

Then, this morning, I was up giving the wee one breakfast & his laptop was within arm's reach & I had no clue where mine ended up... So, not even thinking, I open his so I can use the webcam to video our daughter (she was sniffing like a kitty & making the cutest scrunched up little face) and BAM!!! PORN, hardcore porn pic, right there. I slammed it shut, hoping our girl didn't see it.

LAter when she was playing I took another look. He has huge amounts of really hardcore porn hidden under his music files. Brad Paisley, eh? I think not. I asked him about it when he got up & he is denying it... I really don't care about the fact that he had the stuff. Porn really doesn't bother me (it just makes me mad that he is doing this stuff "on his own" and wont come near me)... It's the LIES!!! He really wants me to think that the porn-fairy just flew int he window & set him up. Come on.

Stupid as it is of me, I could forgive a LOT... It's the fact that he can look me right in the eyes & still LIE to me that makes me ill. You could have a stack of proof and he will just dig his heals in and LIE. His sister told me that he has ALWAYS been this way.

I'm sorry this ended up SO long, but I need to vent... I am just so tired of having to wonder if ANYTHING he says is the truth... How do you EVER move forward when your husband refuses to tell the truth???

If he came clean, we could move forward... The part that makes me SO mad is that he must think I am a complete idiot. Like, I will just believe his lies and am far too stupid to be able to tell truth from lies.

I feel so lost... I love my daughter more than life & I hate that, either way, she is the victim in all this... 

I just feel lost....


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

You are not alone.
And many people on here poo poo the truths about porn addiction, but it is real and it is painful and it is the lies and that he puts it before you and your family etc...

If he won't hear and see, then he needs to be gone.
Sometimes they will hear you and try to work on themselves and that is wonderful and there will be slip ups, but most won't.


Look into porn addiction on line. There are some wonderful groups out there and you can read their stories so you will know that you are not crazy to feel the way you do.

Meanwhile.. think hard.
It will just keep coming back to bite you.

PLUS.... he is a louse that dates online and chats up girls and has 'dates' at his place of business.

Why are you still there? 
I am a patient and forgiving and reasonable woman and it takes a lot to shake my tree. This guy would do it.

If nothing else, think of your little girl. How does your DH treat you? How does he view you? Does he treat you respectfully and value your input and advice??
How will he treat your daughter?

Egads.

But do it smart. Do it slow.
Start socking away money. Get a separate bank account. Get a PO box. Get as much separate stuff as you can and copy files and phone bills etc.. for your lawyer. Copy those porn files onto a little data storage thingie. They will be useful when the time comes for custody etc...

And think of the bliss..and it will be bliss to have him gone. It will feel like 50 lbs just lifted off your shoulders.


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## cathleenc (Aug 16, 2007)

Jenni,
take a couple of deep breaths.

What would you advise your best friend to do? What would you advise your daughter to do? What behavior would you model for your daughter?

wishing you strength and peace with your decision. Trust yourself!


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## allenslabs (Feb 6, 2005)

snoozy.....I'm going to take that last statement one step further.....honey....you would be silly NOT to divorce the man. Now to add onto snoozy there.....I think it is better to be thought of as a b word than a doormat and that is exactly what you need to be right now. He has walked all over you like you were some doormat to wipe his feet on and clean up his messes. If I were you, I would choose the other option and wipe the floor with him. It is ridiculous that you are even questioning if this is a good idea to think about divorce. Then again....this is coming from someone who has been divorced twice and been walked on twice and it took me that second one to realize I need to be in charge of my own life and not worry about babysitting a grown man. LOL!


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## giddy (Nov 14, 2006)

Wow, that is a LOT of problems. There is one thing I learned when I was married and that is you can not change someone else. You can only change YOU. If he believes he has no problem, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. When he decides he has a problem, then he can get help. He may never ask for help. I felt like you did, I made my bed, now I have to lie in it. You will never trust someone who looks you in the eye and tells bold faced lies to you when you have proof right in front of you that it is lies. I've found that life is way too short to live like this. Porn addiction is tough and so readily available. I think I could deal with the porn better than the lies. I pray for strength for you to do what you need to do.


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thank you all...

I have told him that I don't want our little girl to grow up and think that this is "normal"... I don't want her to see our marriage and think that THIS is what she should aspire to...

He just throws out "I'm not talking about this" and that is supposed to be that... I HATE that he really thinks that just because HE doesn't want to talk about something that the conversation is OVER.

I have no idea what to do. I want him out of the house, but he already said that he wont go. The house is in my name, but I called the sheriff & they siad I would have to take him to court ot evict him. I don't have $$$ for an attorney. I will NOT leave my own house. I feel trapped.

I feel like calling his mother & telling her that they better send him a bus ticket back to their town, packing a bag of his clothes & tossing it & him out the door. But, then I would be the one getting in trouble.


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2011)

I don't ordinarily involve myself in these sorts of threads, but this one caught my attention for some reason. If even half of what you say is true then toss his shoes straight away and get shut of him.

Ask your family for support and do what you have to do.


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## AuntKitty (Oct 25, 2004)

Honey, what you have isn't a marriage. Please get out now before your daughter grows up to think this is acceptable behavior! I have an uncle who married a woman who was a grifter (flat out - no other word for it) and his son who is now 36 years old has never held a job for more than a few months, gone to prison for selling drugs and bad checks just like his mama. Little ones learn what they live and a man who in into that kind of porn cannot possibly have enough respect for women to be a good role model to your daughter. Please get out now!

Kitty


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## HilltopDaisy (Feb 26, 2003)

Wow, I'm so sorry. I'm the last person to give any sort of marital advice, however...

Life is too short to waste it. He's a liar, a thief, and a cheat. You say you would not have married him if you'd known he was seeing other women the entire time you dated. Your only mistake was trusting him. You and your daughter deserve much better.


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## Tana Mc (May 10, 2002)

Honey-- I am so sorry for all this.....

Your baby girl is oblivious to the fact that her father is a very warped man---- for now. She won't be for very long. Soon, she will be very hurt and disappointed and continually let down by this man. She will grow up thinking that this is "normal" and this is how men are supposed to treat women that they love...... maybe she will even pick up this decietful behavior and model her life after his......

You are her mother. Forget how you feel and how you are going to deal with this loser. This man is never going to change and is probably going to get worse....... If you kick him out, I am willing to bet money that he will disappear from you daughter's life ( after some dramatic posturing) and it would be the best gift that you could ever give her.


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## BarbadosSheep (Jun 27, 2011)

Please get out. And please get tested for STD's. There is no telling what that slime ball is exposing you to. Start stashing money now so you can afford a lawyer. Are you in any danger? Do you think he would hurt you? If so....don't wait and don't' worry about the house....leave NOW. Contact a woman's shelter. In fact, contact them anyway....they might be able to help you with a lawyer.


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## Witterbound (Sep 4, 2007)

You need to go talk to a lawyer. He or she can help you decide what to do. I caution you that anything you post on a website like this, could later be used in court by your husband. Go talk to a lawyer. He or she will tell you how the divorce process works in Texas, and what your rights are. Don't have any money, talk to the lawyer about taking payments. You need a good lawyer on your side, cause your husband is going to clam up and not want to do anything.


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## Tana Mc (May 10, 2002)

He won't go!!???? Put his stuff out on the sidewalk, change the locks and when he shows up--- call the cops. All that you have to say is that you do not feel safe. He is not a tenant. You own the home. You do not want him there and do not feel safe. End of story. Take a stand.


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thanks...

I know he would never hurt me, physically, and he would NEVER touch our daughter... I can truly tell you all that I wish I had never married this man. I will thank him for the rest of my life for our daughter, but that is all. 

I feel like I totally failed her... It was my job to make sure that I chose a good man to marry so she would have a wonderful father. I let her down.

Now my head is filled with all these fears about who she will be exposed to... I can control that on my end, but not his. I know if he walked out the door today; tomorrow he would be with a new girl (he seems to be totally unable to be alone) and then my daughter will be around total strangers when she is with her father. I couldn't care less who he moves on to, but I KNOW he will put his needs abover our daughter's. 

I wish getting divorced was as easy as getting married...


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## Oat Bucket Farm (Jul 28, 2006)

I would rather leave my own house than be stuck in something like that. A house is not worth putting up with what he is doing. A house is not worth given your daughter the idea that it's okay for a man to act that way. Your quality of life, and what your daughter learns from you, is far more important than a house.


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

I confronted him again & he keeps asking "So, what is your proof?" I know he wants me to lay out everything I know. That way he will know WHAT he got busted for... Like, I caught him doing 1 thing, but he wants to know if I know about things 2 thru 50 before he sets himself up.

So, he can fess up to ONLY the things I already know about...

It's not the cheating and whatnot, really... It's the fact that I just feel SO STUPID.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

Honey, pack his bags and put him on the street. It's not like he is a tenant.. he's a (not) husband,but first make copies of all his files on his lap top, and the print outs from the phone company and keep them for why. Then if he wants to start a problem the courts can see what a louse he is. Also why not have your mom press charges for him taking her money? My sil's all know what would happen if they even got the thought to pull this stuff.


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## bajiay (Apr 8, 2008)

I was once married to a pathological liar. I know the hurt. After we split up, I found out way more than I ever wanted to know about him. Start planning. Get out. It is only going to get worse, not better. You owe yourself that as well as your daughter. He just has his cake and is eating it too. 

I have a friend that is in total denial about her marriage. Every few days she gets a new slap in the face. They kiss and make up and then he is doing it again. Why do people keep putting theirselves on the emotional roller coaster? Love yourself enough to get out of the situation because obviously, he doesn't love you the way he should. That is not a marriage. 
I will pray for you.


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

Even before this morning... I have not been working sinse our daughter was born, but I am looking for a job now. I kept thinking that if I caound just make it until I had a job then everything would be fine. Then I wouldn't have to be worried about $$$. I would be the one with a good job, house, both cars & surely a judge would give me custody... 

I even have my parents moving down here in October. They are just going to close their lake house up and come stay.

I feel like, when he goes, maybe he will meet some new girl and she wont want the "baggage" of him being a Daddy... So, he will lie or he will disappear, just like HIS dad did to him & his sister... For me, I wish that would happen... But, then I see how Em's face just lights up when she sees her daddy & it breaks my heart.


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## BarbadosSheep (Jun 27, 2011)

A lawyer told me once that whoever files first, usually wins. So don't do anything rash just yet. Go see a lawyer now. today. tell him about the money situation and see what he can work out. You NEED to file first, with adultery as the grounds. If he files, he could end up with your kid AND your house. It happens all the time!!


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Fer what its worth...

I might put up with extracurricular activities, maybe... but I will never again tolerate being lied to or deceived. Been there, done that, bought the T shirt! It aint worth it to me. If trust is gone... what else can there be?


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## hmsteader71 (Mar 16, 2006)

I went through a mild case of this in my first marriage. He cheated on me before the marriage, I was pregnant with our daughter & didn't know he had cheated once we got back together. We married then a month after we get married he gets a letter from one of his exs saying she had been pregnant by him but miscarried & that if I didn't want the baby I was having that she would take her. Within the first year we were married (we divorced after 1 year & 3 months) he had 2 affairs that I knew of. I was still willing to stay and try to make our marriage work because 1 I didn't believe in divorce & 2 I didn't want my daughter to grow up without her father.
Now, 21 years later, it was the best thing I did. He would have stayed married to me, but he was moving his girlfriend that he met in England back to the states & was going to move in with her. He never did. 
Someone who lies to you repeatedly like that is not usually going to change. I know how hard this is for you but you do need to do what's best for your daughter. It is not the best thing to live with someone who is going to teach her that lying is a viable lifestyle. Neither is it going to help her to think that when she is old enough this is the type of mate she should look for.
My heart goes out to you and I pray that the Lord will help you in your decision.


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

I know you say you can;t afford it, but you really need to talk to a lawyer-- they'll usually have free or low cost first consultation.
Whatever you do: Do NOT move out of your home.


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## farmerj (Aug 20, 2011)

It's not. A porn addiction, it's a sex addiction.


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## bajiay (Apr 8, 2008)

I don't know if you can in Texas, but in Ohio I bought one of the lawpacks and did our divorce and then made him pay for it. It was only a couple of hundred dollars. He would have to agree though. That is the hard part. I think once he finds the right girl, he will end up leaving anyway. You are better off to get it over with. Don't feel bad for him or give in to his whims. He made this bed, not you. You have that little girl to look after.


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## whiskeylivewire (May 27, 2009)

The stupid feeling will go away.

This guy sounds like ex#2 for me. If you want to know my full story on that feel free to PM me. This is YOUR thread so I'm not going to rehash my pain on it.

It will take some strength(okay, a LOT of strength) on your part but know this. He's not going to change. I might get bashed for that statement but he will not change. When they are as far gone as this, there isn't anything that YOU can do. 

Take care of yourself and your child. God bless and feel free to PM me if you wish.


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## whiskeylivewire (May 27, 2009)

I just noticed your location...my ex lives in Texas as well.


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## KnowOneSpecial (Sep 12, 2010)

When are you giong to stand up for yourself? 

For some reason you've continually overlooked his faults and now you're wondering how to handle it? Sorry, but he's won every confrontation and hasn't changed a bit since the first time he was busted. What makes you think he'll change now-or that he even wants to?

My guess is that once he gets booted out he will go with another woman....and totally forget you and your daughter-especially when you ask him to man up and support his daughter. You won't have to worry about him after a year or two. 

Listen, his heart isn't in this marriage. His main concern is his next orgasm. He's gotten away with it for so long that he has no boundries and won't stop. It's not you, it's him. And it's time for him and his quest for fun to leave your life before he brings home some disease that can kill you. 

Protect yourself and protect your daughter.


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

I wish we were at a place where we could just seperate everything we own and be done with each other... But, I know him well enought to know that he will fight me at every single step. And the sad thing is that he wont be fighting me because it's what HE wants. He will only be doing it because his family will be pushing him to.

I refuse to let him have this house. My parents bought it for ME.

There is a huge part of me that wonders if he is just riding out our marriage until my uncle dies. I know that sounds like a bad thing to say, but I have a trust that my uncle is in charge of and when he passes it will all go straight to me. It's not tons of $$$, but it is a good amount. I wish he never knew about it, but I have never kept a single secret from him. I thought that was how a marriage was supposed to be.

He is sitting, playing on his laptop, not more than 4 feet from me. I am typing away and tears are streaming down my face... I can barely breath and I will bet you all CASH that he is trying to wipe his internet history & delete all the porn he can find.

I wish he would just walk out of the door and never come back... But, I know how much that would hurt my little girl. He is her hero and no mater what happens I will be the bad guy...


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

barbadossheep said:


> please get out. And please get tested for std's. There is no telling what that slime ball is exposing you to. Start stashing money now so you can afford a lawyer. Are you in any danger? Do you think he would hurt you? If so....don't wait and don't' worry about the house....leave now. Contact a woman's shelter. In fact, contact them anyway....they might be able to help you with a lawyer.


^^^^^^this!!!!^^^^^^


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## allenslabs (Feb 6, 2005)

Look into state legal help. There are people that do pro bono work. Considering you own the house and you are married, it wouldn't be eviction. If his name is on anything with the house then it would be hard to get him out but otherwise, here in Indiana it wouldn't be hard. Honestly I would rather leave (then again the house is in your name and if he doesn't make payments that looks bad on your credit) and live with mom and dad since you said they are moving down than live with a creep like that. Once a liar, always a liar. Ex number one for me was like that. You could have a VIDEO of him doing something and he would try to lie his way out of it. I HATED that....made me want to choke him out. And he has never changed. He's on wife 3 now and she's as dumb as him and lies just as often and loves the drama it entails. Match made in heaven. Don't put up with it.....do what you have to do and get the ball rolling. No time like the present.


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

Well, now it is ALL MY FAULT...

He says that I made promises to him that I never kept so how can I be mad at him???

I did promise him that I would look for a job (which I am and have been doing) and I told him that I would try to be a better housekeeper. That I know I am failing at. I pick up and keep stuff "handled" but I don't get to the scrubbing and stuff like he would like. Maybe that is because I spend all day chasing a highly-mobile toddler.

But, now I am, "psychotic" & looking at pictures doesn't count as real cheating. He also SWEARS that he hasn't even looked at them in forever. Yeah, that is why it was PULLED UP on the computer. If it had not been RIGHT THERE I would have never even known about it.

I love how this is now 100% my fault.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

Can I make a suggestion? Go to facebook and take the stuff you put on about this down, please. In this world of facebook reality..it can come back to bite you in the rear. And, stop confronting him..go to zen. Become quiet and calm. Scares the daylights out of 'em. You can do this.


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## Dandish (Feb 8, 2007)

KnowOneSpecial said:


> When are you giong to stand up for yourself?
> 
> For some reason you've continually overlooked his faults and now you're wondering how to handle it? Sorry, but he's won every confrontation and hasn't changed a bit since the first time he was busted. What makes you think he'll change now-or that he even wants to?
> 
> ...


This. Exactly.


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## Fair Light (Oct 13, 2010)

I hate to come across as harsh....but the truth is "He thinks you are stupid and he has always thought so".....Now you have to teach him that you are "NOT"....you got a lot of great advice here...I have nothing to add except
get busy....do what you have to do to protect yourself, your child and your finacial best interest...so sorry you are in such a mess...praying for you today


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

> I wish he would just walk out of the door and never come back... But, I know how much that would hurt my little girl. He is her hero and no mater what happens I will be the bad guy...


I think I'm missing something...
Are we talking about a _baby_, here? In which case, she is too young to have a hero. Or even to care, really, if he disappears.

He's already had his second chance (and third and fourth, from the sounds of things).
It time to cut your losses.


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## elliemaeg (May 1, 2005)

Jenn, I know what it is like to live a life that is full of lies and deceit. No one can really give you advice. I can tell you that I know what stress can do to you. I know you are not really living if you have had these questions for years. You can put them way way back in your mind but let me tell you it doesnt solve any thing. You still carry that load everyday only it gets to be heavier everyday. Who will suffer if you are taken away from your daughter? Will you prove anything by staying in this situation?


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

You absolutely need to find a lawyer and many will do a free consultation. In many states if you had assets like a house prior to the marriage they dont get put into the mix when you divorce; same thing with inheritances.

His problem isnt porn, its the fact that he has no integrity and the porn is just a symptom. I would tell him right now its over and start making plans for the split and put him on permanent ignore until he ;leaves.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

Jenni I sent you a PM

BTDT I am sending you some major (((HUGS))) and prayers. I know how hard it is!


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

I called a lawyer... 

I really don't care if he doesn't want to be married to me... I just wish he would take some of the blame for his own actions. I will be the 1st to admitt that I am nowhere near perfect, why can't he?

As for posting things of FaceBook...? All I did today was delete him from my friends, change my privacy settings so that no-one other than friends can see anything on my page & post "when is a file full of Brad Paisley NOT a file full of Brad Paisley?"

This is the only place I have written anything... It's, honestly, the only place I feel "safe" to talk & vent.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

Cool..on the lawyer and the removing him from facebook. As to him ever owning up..do not hold your breath and as was already stated better to be the B-word than the doormat..you go girl..and this is the only place I feel safe to..but facebook is my family space and i do put too much on there.


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

Bad situation to be in and i am sure you are scared to do what you need to do & worried about what to do..


I have been in a somewhat similar situation with my first marriage.

Take the laptop somewhere when he is gone and have the files backed up.
You will need this evidence during your divorce, Find out if there is any child porn on there, That makes it a whole new level of wrong ...

Talk to a good lawyer (most have a free initial consult) to find out how to deal with him not being willing to leave the house. I think you can legally separate and change the locks, but you need to check. 

Have someone stay with you during the kicking him out stage..that is when most women are at most risk..

A local womens shelter may be a place to get free excellent and confidential advice..They have seen it all..

Let some family & friends know what is going on so they can help protect you..


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

I want you to do something. I want you to look up the definition of the term "psychopath". Do it now.

I had a very dear friend who could have written your post. It didn't end well for her, because she was determined to "save" her marriage. Please, get some help, and get this man out of your life before your daughter comes of an age to learn this behaviour. Insist on any custodial situation to be supervised and do whatever you have to do to have him assessed, professionally, prior to any custodial agreement.

Please. This isn't an aberration, it's a serious mental illness, and I have a great deal of concern that you are at direct risk.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

Jenni

seeing your post about "it being your fault" shows he's a class A manipulator. Kick him out change the locks and get a court order. For him to expect you to slave over a floor scrubbing it he is changing the subject. Trying to get you off his back. If my Dh had ever said those htings to me while we were trying to deal with his addiciton I would have tossed him out totally!


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

I just read more of your posts.

Don't get a job just yet.. when I was divorced the fact that I was a stay at home mom made the child support so much more..It had to do with 
"support in the way i was accoustomed" or something like that.

Maybe that is why he is pushing the job thing..

He is brainwashing you about it being your fault..been there- done that..
Don't argue with him..he will twist & lie & manipulate you every time..
My ex only got nervous when i got quiet & looked confident..then he was beside himself with paranoia... 

when he blames you just be short and sarcastic" yep its all me ..yea right"

The easiest way to be brave & focused it to keep your eye on the well being of your child.. 
She needs a strong mom...
She needs for you to be smart...
He is not her hero..You are ...(she will realize this one day)
Its not you ..its him ...listen to everyone...


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

Jenni979 said:


> Hmmmmm. It sounds like he found himself a "sugar Mommy" when he first married you.
> 
> From what you describe though, your husband seems to think he doesn't have a "problem".
> 
> ...


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

I looked it up, Tracy...

I feel like I want to throw-up... I am living this... I am honestly beginning to get all shakey about this... At least there is this post in case he comes after me.


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## amwitched (Feb 14, 2004)

Hmmm...If you DH didn't have such an unusual name, then I would swear that it is my ex!!!

If he is deleting files, the hard drive will save them for you. The trick is stashing the laptop away until you can take it to a computer shop & have the contents "brought back up". Our computer fix-it dude was able to "see" all of the porno & myspace visits that our guys were doing here at my place of employment.

Texas has residency laws that you need to look into. If you kick somebody out of your house, you need to give them a letter of eviction, too. The lawyer or the cops should be able to give you the guidelines for this. Someone I know of was drunk-fighting with his girlfriend and tried to kick her out of the apartment. The cops told him that she had 3 days to get out. A lot of stuff can disappear in three days. 

If the vehicles are truly yours, you may want to have "his" in the shop when you make your move. Be sure to hide the keys to yours. Have a locksmith ready to help you re-key the locks to your home.

Most of all......good luck with your decision!


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## dragonfly65 (Sep 29, 2002)

You will definitely need a lawyer. Since Texas is a community property state half of everythng you own legally belongs to him - including the house. It doesn't matter if his name isn't on it. However, you could probably transfer the house to your parents and have it finalized BEFORE you take any divorce or seperation action and safeguard that at least. The porn wouldn't bother me as much as the thieving and lying. Your little girl does not need to grow up thinkig that this is how wives are supposed to be treated. As for him being her hero, she is too little to remember anything if you get out now and it will be much healthier and better for her in the long run. Someday she will see what a jerk he really is and it would be better if he wasn't her "hero" when that happens. We would all like to have wonderful, loving fathers who love us more than anything. Sadly, many of us don't get that.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

I dunno if she owned all this BEFORE t he mariage would it still be a half divide? I don't think so usually it is only that which is acquired DURING marriage that is subject to the split during divorce.


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## LittleRedHen (Apr 26, 2006)

it depends on how long you were married but he may not be entitled to much at all, specially if most of the assets were acquired before marriage.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

TX is a community property state, go see a lawyer NOW, get his advise and get rid of this guy before he gets hold of your trust. You may have to do something like trade no child support for the house. If it was a gift to you from your parents it may not be hard to keep it--if it was a wedding gift to both of you it will be harder. 

What will happen to your DD if he brings home a std that kills you--like HIV? Adultery is a biblical reason for divorce. Do it before he hurts you or especially your DD any more. Get help from your parents, legal aid, someone. A battered woman's shelter might be able to steer you to a good lawyer. However, if you own a house or other property, you can probably make arrangements to pay the lawyer later, if the judge doesn't require him to pay your attorney. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to protect your property. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Do you want your DD to grow up in a home with a father like him? It is not up to him --you can get a divorce if you want one.


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## demeter (Jul 15, 2010)

If my ex weren't dead, I would swear you were married to him.
On the financial front. Could your parents help out with the lawyers expense? How about the uncle you mentioned earlier?
I'd say psychopath too. He will never admit he is wrong and will twist everything else into being all your fault. So no more arguments and confrontations--it won't phase him in the least. But it will wear you out and make you doubt every aspect of your life.
Surround yourself with only family and friends who love and support you 100%, you're gonna need it.
Try and squander some cash. Make sure you have an activated cell phone.
GET THAT LAPTOP! Doesn't matter how, sneak, lie, (hum the James Bond 007 tune in your head while you do it) grab it up and get the files. The gloves are off and you gotta get mean, even meaner than him. Sucks, but true.
For me, taking action, no matter how small, was a huge boost to my smashed ego. The actions made me regrow my spine.
Please, I'm not trying to scare you, but reading your posts made me physically ill, just remembering my first husband.
But first, hug your fine baby girl, then hug yourself, because you are awesome.

Demeter


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

Luckily, the house is still in my parents' names... As is one car... The other car is in my name. I did get it after we were married but it was to replace a Jeep that he wrecked. The insurance totaled it and I used the check they sent me to buy a new car. I wonder if that would count sinse it was replacing something that was solely mine before marriage...?

There is a part of me that wonders if he really believes the things he says... I really do wonder if his way of thinking is so warped that he really feels that he is just this poor guy with really bad luck...

That "psychopath" stuff has me all freaked out now... I would have never thought he would do me physical harm, but so many other woman have said the same things only to end up hurt, or worse.

I need y'all to know something, just in case, okay? I know this will make me sound like anut, but I need to get it out. When I was in my early 20's I had a suicide attempt. I came really close to finishing myself off, too. I ODed on sleeping pills. I had lost a baby & was in a really abusive relationship, but I wont blame anyone but me for my choice. I pulled through and it was my rock-bottom. I have nevr had a thought like that, from that night forward.

Husband knows this. I think EVERYONE knows this about me, I don't believe in secrets & I am not ashamed. I just want someone, ANYONE, to know that I love my life (even with all this going on) and I adore my baby girl and would never leave her. I would NEVER hurt myself.

Well, now that feel like a paranoid freak... It's not that I think he will care about losing me... But, I think he will go insane when he actually does have to leave & although I don't think he would ever hurt our daughter, I am less and less sure about my safety...

I really hope I am just being over emotional and nothing will happen. I mean, millions of women leave their marriages and get out fine. I don't know why I have turned myself into such a scaredy cat...


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## mamahen (May 11, 2002)

And stop being honest with him. I don't mean start lying, but you don't have to tell him everything anymore.

This happened to a family member - she immediatley got tested for every STD including HIV. Luckily she was all clear. Get tested NOW!! 

Is there any daycare places near you? Lots of daycare's like to hire mom's and the plus side is you usually get to bring your baby to work for free. 

Get a savings account with a debit card in only your name. Start putting money aside in it. DO NOT tell him one word about it. Maybe get your mom or dad as the second name.

Do you have someplace safe to go to, if you have to? Maybe now is the time to tell him you are going to visit your parents for a little R&R. Get all your ducks in a row.

You CAN do this. Yes, it will be hard. But you are strong enough (hey, 15 hours of labor is no walk in the park, right?!).


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## luvrulz (Feb 3, 2005)

Jenni979 said:


> Thank you all...
> 
> I have told him that I don't want our little girl to grow up and think that this is "normal"... I don't want her to see our marriage and think that THIS is what she should aspire to...
> 
> ...


Call the local women's shelter and tell them you need an attorney. A good attorney. An Attorney that is a woman and is a BARRACUDA! She won't take his kind of stuff and she will help lead you. With the support of the women's shelter (wouldn't you call this abuse??) you get alot of help. Someone to talk to, help for your situation and they will babysit probably too. They will help you with all of this and you can get your ducks lined up slowly and with your daughter and you protected! At least, call them and talk to someone when he's out of the house. And I don't know about you not being able to get him out of there - who would you check that with??

And don't tell him all this of your preparations....just keep it on the QT til you find out what you can and can't do. Will his family take him back?


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

My parents bought the house after we were married... They bought it for me, they never ever lived here... But, I had no credit (I had 1 card with a $500 limit for emergecies, but have always been raised to pay cash) so they put it in their name for the mortgage.


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## luvrulz (Feb 3, 2005)

Be very careful....you're in our thoughts and prayers too; BTDT.....and I had a great attorney. I wasn't mean, didn't turn into a B. Just wanted what was mine and I WANTED OUT! You need to set up stuff and think about your actions to achieve it!


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## rabbitpatch (Jan 14, 2008)

The house being in your parent's name and not yours is probably a blessing. 

Please don't wait on seeing a lawyer. Please don't let even one more second go by with you sitting around wringing your hands and wondering what to do. As you well know by now, your life and possibly your daughter's life may very well depend on how quickly you get things moving.


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## Loriann1971 (Sep 1, 2005)

Since the house is in your parents' name, can they evict him? Basically, you guys are tenants by law. Pack up everything you have, get out, and have him served with divorce papers. Then if he refuses to leave, have your parents evict him. 

And if it wasn't too long ago and they are still able to, have your parents have him charged for the credit card fraud.


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

I don't know about the length of time my parents would have to file on him for him stealing from them... It has been a little over 1 year... I do know that if he has any type of legal action against him he will most likely lose his job. I'm not all that sure what he would do then... 

I wish this could be totally painless and he would just go away. I wouldn't even go after child support if that meant he would just go away & never come back... Maybe, if I am lucky, he will meet a girl who wants NOTHING to do with a man with kids and he will just leave us alone. With my luck he will meet a chick who thinks it's "cute" to be a father & she'll want to play "mommy" and he will go nuts fighting me for custody.

I love my little girl SO much. I would be out of my mind is some man treated her this way... So, why is it that I keep making excuses for him?


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

Also just a htought when you talk to the attorney see what the annulments laws in your state are see if you qualify....if you do then he isn't entitled to anything but what he came in on !


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

Jenni979 said:


> I don't know about the length of time my parents would have to file on him for him stealing from them... It has been a little over 1 year... I do know that if he has any type of legal action against him he will most likely lose his job. I'm not all that sure what he would do then...
> 
> I wish this could be totally painless and he would just go away. I wouldn't even go after child support if that meant he would just go away & never come back... Maybe, if I am lucky, he will meet a girl who wants NOTHING to do with a man with kids and he will just leave us alone. With my luck he will meet a chick who thinks it's "cute" to be a father & she'll want to play "mommy" and he will go nuts fighting me for custody.
> 
> I love my little girl SO much. I would be out of my mind is some man treated her this way... So, why is it that I keep making excuses for him?


Maybe he will sign away his legal rights? Some men do!

Now get off the computer and go do what you have been advised to do!


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## luvrulz (Feb 3, 2005)

Jenni979 said:


> I don't know about the length of time my parents would have to file on him for him stealing from them... It has been a little over 1 year... I do know that if he has any type of legal action against him he will most likely lose his job. I'm not all that sure what he would do then...
> 
> I wish this could be totally painless and he would just go away. I wouldn't even go after child support if that meant he would just go away & never come back... Maybe, if I am lucky, he will meet a girl who wants NOTHING to do with a man with kids and he will just leave us alone. With my luck he will meet a chick who thinks it's "cute" to be a father & she'll want to play "mommy" and he will go nuts fighting me for custody.
> 
> I love my little girl SO much. I would be out of my mind is some man treated her this way... So, why is it that I keep making excuses for him?


The counselors at the women's shelter will help you with all of this. They too have BTDT.... Caution is your best bet. And don't let hiom get to *your* computer!


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## Chixarecute (Nov 19, 2004)

Jenni - your daughter needs people around her that love her and do the right thing by her mother (you) and her. She will NOT be harmed by you divorcing her father. Your daughter will be out of the stress of the mess he has created in your lives.

Be strong for you and for your daughter! You both deserve it.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

Jenni979 said:


> Porn really doesn't bother me (it just makes me mad that he is doing this stuff "on his own" and wont come near me)...


I only read page one so far so this probably has been said, but........

um....hes not doing stuff "on his own". Believe me. He wont come near you because he is getting it somewhere else, hes not just sitting home using porn to do stuff "on his own".


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## dbarjacres (Feb 2, 2004)

Oh gosh girl, I feel so bad for ya. There are days I think I'd like to have a "better" husband, but then I read stuff like this and feel so thankful for the loving man I have, even with his quirks and some of the hurtful things he unintentially does.

Get out of the situation now. I'd file a police report - just so they have a domestic on file. A good attorney is worth it. Your daughter needs a healthy home - your parasite of a husband is not healthy for her and what he does to you. It seems like you have good parents to back you - take advantage of that to get you thru this.

Good luck and best wishes.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

He is a narcissist. They do not change.


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## nadja (May 22, 2011)

Jeni979 Let me ask you a question, why do you need advice ? You should already be in court and getting rid of this idiot


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## Donna1982 (Jun 14, 2011)

Jenni I am going to tell you a story that I was told and I tell to a lot of people who are going through stuff like this.

A little grasshopper is walking through the desert and walks past a scorpion sitting on a rock. The scorpion yells out to the grasshopper "Hey grasshopper come over here." the grasshopper replies "No way Mr. Scorpion you will sting me and eat me." The scorpion with a smile says "No no I wont sting you and eat you. Come on over here." The little grasshopper walks a little closer and stops and says "No I better not you will sting me and eat me." Again the scorpion says "You're crazy little grasshopper. I PROMISE YOU I wont sting you and eat you. The little grasshopper says "Okay if you promise me you wont I will come over." He starts to walk towards the scorpion when he whips around and SMACK stings the little grasshopper in the back. As the little grasshopper lays there dying he asks... "Why did you sting Mr. Scorpion you promised you wouldn't." With a devilish smile the scorpion answer. "I'm a scorpion its what we do."



In other words a person is a person and there is NO changing them. I've learned that the hard way in my 29 years life that. If I was you I would divorce him and move on to someone who will treat you right. Remember a father and mother is who teaches their children to be adults. A father teaches a daughter how a man is suppose to treat her and a mother is someone who teaches her how she should be treated. Do you want your daughter to grow up and marry her daddy? 



Best of luck to you sweetie. Its going to be a long and tuff road. 
:grouphug:


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

I have an appointment with an attorney. I just have to wait until he goes back to work. I don't want him asking a bunch of questions about where I was.

I just got finished listening to him tell me all about how I am "not the victim" and how he is the real one suffering... Whenever I said ANYTING about the lies, cheating or stealing he would just say "is that all you have? you have to keep bringing up stuff from the past?" Well, yeah!!! I will keep bringing up the past because it has NEVER been resolved and it is still effecting the present.

He was getting all huffy about "I don't see ho I should have to come home from work and then be expected to fold laundry..." Okay... Whatever. I get that my "job" is staying home, but I don't get to do nothing on my "day off" (whatever "day-off" even means... Mommies never get a "day-off"). To be honest, if I were to go to work 9-5, I would concider THAT time off. He gets 4 days off (4 on then 4 off) and he acts like I am asking for the world when I ask him to give her a bottle while I jump in the shower. Or even just watch her play while I do something. 

I feel like I get all the work & stress of being a single mom, but I get the added bonus of having to deal with him, too.

I asked him if he would go back to Tennessee if I filed on him and he said he would have to but he would be taking our daughter with. I said there was NO WAY that would be happening. Then he was like "maybe you should just go away instead"... What does that even mean? I kind of get the idea that was a threat. I want to get a little tape recorder, but I heard that it is illegal to tape someone unless they know about it (which totally defeats the purpose)...


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Jenni979 said:


> I want to get a little tape recorder, but I heard that it is illegal to tape someone unless they know about it (which totally defeats the purpose)...


My understanding is that it is illegal to tape a conversation that you are not party to. It would, for instance, be illegal to tape a conversation between your husband and your father. Or your husband and the bit of stuff he brought home for an afternoon knowing you were out.

It is not, to my knowledge, illegal to tape a conversation if you are one of the parties, and it is an "in person" conversation -- as in both parties in the same room.

But, ask your attorney about this, to be sure.


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## ne prairiemama (Jan 30, 2010)

I wouldn't talk to him about filing at all. I'd act like all was hunky dory until I had things ready on my side... I've never been through it though...

Praying!


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## TheMartianChick (May 26, 2009)

Please stop talking to him about any of this. You are telegraphing your intentions to him. He will use any information that you provide against you. Maintain your silence no matter how he provokes you!

Also, in my state, it is illegal to record someone without their knowledge. However, if you record them and you later go to court. You can use the recordings to refute their lies. The moment that they lie under oath, their rights go out the window. I'd record and keep the recording to myself for now.


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## Teri (Jan 13, 2003)

Maura said:


> He is a narcissist. They do not change.


Yep. What I was thinking, too.


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## SquashNut (Sep 25, 2005)

Get some one to stay with you and put his stuff out on the front lawn.
It's hard to tell what he would do if he thinks he will loose his meal ticket.


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

If it were me.. I would immediately apologize and cry and tell him I could never live without him etc... I would never, ever leave and beg him not to leave me.

Then continue on with your plans to leave.
Definitely shut up about the impending divorce.
You are giving him a head's up to clean out the banks etc..
He can now file first etc.. and decimate your life.

Never, ever show your hand in any way to anyone that is an adversary.


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Oh please be careful....this type of man will have you believing up is down and black is white and blame you for not realizing it.

I am involved in my own marital storm and the advice I was given and didn't take was moving out of the house...do NOT do it. I am sorry I did.

Surround yourself with supportive people....they will help you stay balanced when your world is skewed

Lawyer up...I really wish I would have down that earlier....I just found out my dh got the lawyer I wanted and to tell you the truth I am a bit nervous.

Your daughter needs you to protect her....if you cannot find the courage to do what you need to do for yourself...maybe it would help to think of what type of life she deserves.

I will pray for you and please remember you are NOT alone no matter how you feel.


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## Betho (Dec 27, 2006)

after reading through all of this Jenni I need to echo the other posters - stop talking about it with him. Stop bringing anything up. Refuse to discuss it. It's pointless anyway, I think you know what is going to happen.

1. you already know your marriage is over, so there's no point in discussing what he's doing or allowing him to browbeat you as if folding laundry is some sort of unreasonable task. It's just making him suspicious and probably start thinking about his own defense. You DON'T want him to be defensive now, you need to catch this man as off-guard as possible. Not that I've been in your situation, but that is what my gut is screaming at me while I read your posts.

2. his comment about you going away is kind of red flagging me. I don't know if it will work this way but you need to just start making your plans and forget discussing it with him. Maybe he'll think you are getting over it, I dunno, but it almost seems like you might be better off not arousing suspicion in him. Yeah I know he hasn't been violent, but this guy is definitely a nutbar and you don't know what he'd do.

And for what it's worth - my niece had a daughter at age 17 with a guy like that. Never got married to him, but was with him for a long time. We all cheered when she finally cut ties with him permanently, and I know she felt a lot of guilt because her daughter loved the guy. Well, you know what? he DID slowly drop out of her daughter's life, because the only reason he was "fighting" to be in her life was because people expected him to, not because he wanted to. Almost as if he knew that everyone would know what a douchebag he was if he didn't pretend he wanted to be involved with the little girl. he cared more about what people thought of him than his daughter, and that was the only reason he pretended to want a relationship with her. But time won out, and he slowly dropped out of her life. And the really cool part is that she then met a young man who she ended up marrying and if you ask that little girl who her beloved Daddy is, it ISN'T her genetic father. 

So, all of that to say - do what you need to do to get him out of your life and your daughter's life, and there's a good chance that he will initially pretend to make an effort to be in your daughter's life but eventually he'll stop. 

Oh and one more thing - my hubby and I were separated for a while (at my request) for some non related things but one thought that kept me going was this - if our marriage was NOT going to make it, I wanted to end it while my daughter was still young enough to not remember what it was like when we were together. I knew if I put it off and tried to make things work, and they didn't, then she'd be old enough to remember the split and you know how kids blame themselves. You are doing the right thing here.


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## Jokarva (Jan 17, 2010)

He's shown you what he is, you can accept it and deal or you can divorce him...which would certainly be my choice. A man as self serving as he seems to be will move on quickly enough.

You need him out - please see a lawyer and do it legally. You can't even get rid of a long term visitor without an eviction in most states. You need funds, can you sell anything? Gold is selling pretty high last I heard.

My sister's first DH left when my niece was 2, he's had nothing to do with either of them since. She did fine without him and has been married to her wonderful current DH for 30 yrs this month. He's been the best dad any kid could ever ask for. Your daughter will be ok.


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2011)

chickenista said:


> If it were me.. I would immediately apologize and cry and tell him I could never live without him etc... I would never, ever leave and beg him not to leave me.
> 
> Then continue on with your plans to leave.
> Definitely shut up about the impending divorce.
> ...


^What she said.^

Sadly enough though, (and I am not saying this to be mean) I would be surprised if the OP actually does follow any advice here. Surely her friends and family advised her not to make a baby with this guy, right after the wedding when she found out about the online dating sites and the girl at work that he had oral sex with?

If she let him get by with that kinda stuff over time, even before the baby was born, I would not place bets on her leaving him now. Perhaps just venting now, after seeing the latest porn pop-up on the computer?

(Jenni, I hope I am wrong. I hope that you put on your big girl panties and take control of your life and your daughter's life. Otherwise, it's gonna get a whole lot worse. You need to either listen to some of the advice here from people who have some streetsmarts, or you will have to learn your own streetsmarts THE HARD WAY over time. It won't be fun.) Good luck to you, and I mean that sincerely.


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

No, everyone thought that he wa a total prince because I protected him. I didn't tell anyone about the cheating before marriage thing & te only other people who knew were the other gals I worked with because gossip travels fast in a place where it is just 5 gals working togehter... I never told any of my friends or family because I thought that if he did change & we worked it oall out that they would hold it all against him forever & I didn't want that. Stupid of me, eh?

I was already 8 months pregnant when the stealing happened & I fould out about his ex... My parents believed his BS (I actually think they do know he is a theif, but they want to badly for us to work out they want to always give him the benefit of the doubt) and even his family was done with him after they found out about his taking from my parents & the ex... But, they took their cues from me... When I gave up and gave in they just left us alone. I think they were like "Well, she took him back, he's her problem now..."

I'm just going to totally ignore him until the lawyer tells me what to do (or even what I am legally allowed to do)...


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## Nevada (Sep 9, 2004)

Shygal said:


> um....hes not doing stuff "on his own". Believe me. He wont come near you because he is getting it somewhere else, hes not just sitting home using porn to do stuff "on his own".


Yes. It's unlikely that a man would prefer porn over a woman. He's almost certainly seeing someone on the side. But on the off-chance he prefers porn over his wife, you've got a lot bigger problems than porn.


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## pheasantplucker (Feb 20, 2007)

Thoughts and prayers to you and your little girl. Protect yourself and your girl. No one deserves to be mistreated and this guy seems to be dumping on you big time. Be smart. Play hardball. Make him pay through the nose. Try to document as much as you can. You might want to fight for sole custody...If my spouse had an addiction I would fight for custody and I would not be willing to budge on visitation. Maybe supervised visitation since he has a porn issue. Your thread is disturbing for me to read, because the pain you are feeling has come through loud and clear. You have done nothing wrong, and you should be proud of the way you have conducted yourself and tried to make it work. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers...Best wishes, Pheasant


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## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

you've gotten top notch advice and its in your court now. I really hope you do the best thing for your daughter and you. she will be far better off, and you will too. not fun now, but it will be better later.

I really feel for you sweetie. any way you could go stay with your parents for a bit? I think you should get away from this guy asap. he will not change. and i think he sounds like he could go off on you. better safe than sorry, as you mentioned, how many times have you heard a woman say 'she never thought he'd do that'. countless. don't make yourself be one of those.

and he blames it on you cuz you aren't a great housekeeper? are you kidding me?? 

you say he wouldn't touch your daughter. maybe, maybe not. but he likes pictures, so maybe that's what he'd do--take some photos of her to sell or show off? or maybe she'd get daddy's laptop to play a game, and pow, you want her to see that? i'm sure not. get her out of there.

I think you are saying things to him, 'showing your hand' so to speak, in a very meager but hopeful way to beg him to change. thinking, 'just maybe if he knows how bad this is, he'll shape up'. he will change, yup, but for the worse. I would bet on it.

telling him hints of your plans is going to backfire on you. if he cared, it wouldn't be this way in the first place. totally agree with the poster who said to never show your hand to an adversary. so very true. 

hang in there, we're here for you.


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## Mid Tn Mama (May 11, 2002)

Jenni979 said:


> Thanks...
> 
> I know he would never hurt me, physically, and he would NEVER touch our daughter... I can truly tell you all that I wish I had never married this man. I will thank him for the rest of my life for our daughter, but that is all.


If this is your standard for leaving, you really need to rethink things. He HAS hurt you. He has lied to you. He has endangered your health by sleeping with multiple women. He has stolen. He has not lived up to his committment to you. You have been given a big favor or these women letting you know exactly what he has been doing.

What are you waiting for? You deserve better than this.


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## farmergirl (Aug 2, 2005)

In Texas, it is legal for a conversation to be recorded as long as one of the parties being recorded is aware of the recording. In other words, since you will be participating in the conversation, and you know the recorder is playing, you can legally tape the conversation without mentioning it to him.

Be smart. Be safe.


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## Nevada (Sep 9, 2004)

chewie said:


> you say he wouldn't touch your daughter. maybe, maybe not. but he likes pictures, so maybe that's what he'd do--take some photos of her to sell or show off? or maybe she'd get daddy's laptop to play a game, and pow, you want her to see that? i'm sure not. get her out of there.


I think you're letting your imagination run away from you.


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## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

You are warning us that should something happen to you, that you did NOT commit suicide as he will so surely claim?



Jenni979 said:


> I asked him if he would go back to Tennessee if I filed on him and he said he would have to but he would be taking our daughter with. I said there was NO WAY that would be happening. Then he was like "maybe you should just go away instead"... What does that even mean? I kind of get the idea that was a threat.


Let's review....



> Then he was like "maybe you should just go away instead"... What does that even mean? I kind of get the idea that was a threat.


And again!



> Then he was like "maybe you should just go away instead'


I HAVE CHILLS READING THESE WORDS.

For gosh sakes quit warning him that you are thinking of leaving. This whole marriage is a fraud and I hope you can get it annulled. Whatever you do please, please be very careful.


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## kidsnchix (Oct 2, 2003)

YOU don't have to "prove" all the things he has done wrong...he already knows what they are. Also, NEVER let him try to put the blame on you. 
Be careful, but GET OUT of this marriage NOW !


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## HilltopDaisy (Feb 26, 2003)

Looks as though several of us have been through similar marriages. When all was said and done, my ex admitted that he married "the whole package", which included the settlement from a car accident that I'd had right before we met. 

3 months into the marriage I knew I'd made a terrible mistake, but I felt as though I'd made my bed, etc.... A year later I was seeing a therapist and she warned me that it appeared I was doubting myself because he was so manipulative. I would question if the sky was really blue, if he told me it wasn't so.

She advised me to be careful with the settlement money I had. It was gone in another 6 months, but I still have the scar on my face. I left 2 years later, with $29,000 worth of debt, and the clothes on my back (and a kitchen splattered with blood).

Then all sorts of stuff came out. Won't go into the details but he had been having a sexual affair with the wife of his "best friend". Don't think I didn't love spilling the beans on that one. BF beat the ex up in the street in front of the entire neighborhood.

Please don't wait until your life is completely destroyed by this bum. Salvage what you can; you are not stupid! We care about you, and will support you through this.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

My advice to Jenni -- and I believe the advice that everyone has given her here -- is based on our own experiences of similar situations. That's what internet forums are all about, a collection of people with different viewpoints and experiences which colour their responses offering advice to those who ask for it.

Perhaps, instead of criticizing the fact that others have shared their experiences with her, and offered her advice based on those experiences, you could share YOUR, obviously differing, experience. It would do her a lot of good, I'm sure, to see the situation from a different perspective.

Ultimately, she is an adult, and only she knows the true facts of the situation, as they are interpreted by her. Anyone sharing their situation on any internet forum knows this -- so any advice given, by anyone, must be taken at face value, just as the presentation of her situation must be taken at face value.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

If it were just the porn, carefully hidded on his laptop, that would be one thing. 

But it's not. 
Read the rest of her posts, guys. 

I'm generally one of the few who gives suggestions for saving the marriage. But read the rest of her posts!! 
He's had a second chance. And third and fourth.


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## Otter (Jan 15, 2008)

Jenni979 said:


> I don't know about the length of time my parents would have to file on him for him stealing from them... It has been a little over 1 year... I do know that if he has any type of legal action against him he will most likely lose his job. I'm not all that sure what he would do then...
> 
> I wish this could be totally painless and he would just go away. I wouldn't even go after child support if that meant he would just go away & never come back... Maybe, if I am lucky, he will meet a girl who wants NOTHING to do with a man with kids and he will just leave us alone. With my luck he will meet a chick who thinks it's "cute" to be a father & she'll want to play "mommy" and he will go nuts fighting me for custody.
> 
> I love my little girl SO much. I would be out of my mind is some man treated her this way... So, why is it that I keep making excuses for him?


Sweetie, I had the exact same fears.
But you know what? As much as I thought he'd fight and make me miserable, he was too concerned with his own pleasure. 
There will instantly be a new GF, and maybe she'll instigate him to fight for his child - BUT - just about every court will consent to an infant having supervised visitation, very, very few will let the non-custodial parent take a very small child overnight into someone else's house. So he'd have to have an apt in his own name with GF not on the lease to have a realistic shot at overnight visitation - how likely do you think that is?

Especially if he doesn't have a job. You're right, he'll probably loose his job if your parents file charges. You know what that sounds like to me? 
Not. Your. Problem.
You are not his mommy to protect him from the consequences of his own actions.
He committed credit card fraud, the victims pressed charges - explain to me where you fit in that? You don't, except in that as a favor to you the victims put off pressing charges.

You keep making excuses because you're scared and you want to protect your baby. This is natural honey, a totally natural reaction that quite a few of us have had - not a character flaw. Part of grief is always disbelief.

Just breath, I know it hurts. It's better on the other side of the painful, scary crossing you're on the brink of, really, it is.
Document all you can.
Next time he leaves the house, toss his stuff out and change the locks. When he comes home call the cops. They can NOT make you let him in to stay, They can try to talk you into it, they can escort him into the house to collect personal belongings, but in the end they will make him go.

Do NOT allow ANY visitation without a court agreement. You can have a visitation agreement (and court ordered child support) in place LONG before an actual divorce takes place. For custody, possession is 9/10ths of the law. Without a court document, if he takes her and disappears it's not kidnapping. And then it is up to you to track him down and prove him unfit and fight for custody. So as soon as your locks are changed, go down to the courthouse and file for a restraining order to keep him out of the house (you own it and don't want him tearing it up) and ask what are the steps you take for court-appointed visitation. Ask about filing for divorce at the same time. They will do their best to get you to file a no-fault divorce (cheaper and faster)
DONT.
File on the grounds of theft and adultery. That's what's in your best interest.
Yes, it costs more but it's cheaper then staying with him, like the old joke says, You know why divorces cost so much?
Because they're worth it.

I know it all seems impossible now, but think ahead a year or two. When you envision your future, are you and your little girl happier and more stable with him or without him? Deeper in debt with him there or more financially secure divorced?

You'll be ok, and you can add me to the list of those you can pm.


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## Nevada (Sep 9, 2004)

Betho said:


> If a man is constantly doing his private thing with the hardcore porn, yet won't touch his wife more than a few times a year, what would you call it?


A bad marriage, most likely with an affair. The fact that there's porn in his life is not the central issue.

Understand that most married people who get involved in affairs aren't doing it for sex. Sex just happens to be what they're doing. But it's an escape in many other ways.

When a man meets a woman in a motel room there are no dirty dishes, crying kids, bills to pay, faucets to fix, or even any personal baggage to speak of. It's a completely artificial situation that escapes everything that's wrong with daily life. How is a wife supposed to compete with that? It's not easy to make home life a whole lot different than it is. 

I don't pretend to know what's wrong with the marriage in question, or even why the husband seldom touches his wife intimately. The porn is a sign that he has not lost interest in sex, but clearly he's lost interest in having sex with his wife. The question is why. Is it something about her physical appearance, is it her personality, does she nag him at awkward times, or what? If it's simply interest in another woman, then why is he still at home?


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## Ruby (May 10, 2002)

Just be careful letting him know you are even thinking divorce. He may take your daughter and leave. Just play it cool till you get every thing lined up.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Hon, call your mom and tell her what's what..borrow some $$ and hire a lawyer. Interview several in your area (at least five of the best), hire one and have a restraining order instituted. 

Don't LEAVE your home, please don't. But you can make him leave..just put his crap out on the lawn, change the locks and say good riddance to bad rubbish. He will not change, he doesn't respect you or your daughter (if he did, he would not have porn on his computer where either of you could see it when he knows it upsets you so).

The house belongs to you, he has nothing..so he gets nothing and I would make visitation contingent on him being at his parent's home while visiting. Just sayin..you may not want him alone with the kid..she might find his porn when she is older.

good luck.


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## insocal (May 15, 2005)

Sounds to me like he has never fully committed to the marriage. Best to cut your losses and end it.

In my own life, I call secretive, cheating men CREEPS.


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

Let's stick to giving advice to the original poster please, not discussing other topics.


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## lamoncha lover (Mar 1, 2009)

I will go back tomorrow and read all the replies. But I am sorry your husband is a dink and since you have so little to work with, a cheating, lying, morally decrepid.....I sure wouldn't balme you and would encourage you to dump his bottom as fast as you can. get a good lawyer and get on with the life you deserve, when you are ready there is a man out there that is worthy of your love and that can be a positive example to your child.


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

Praying you'll be lead to the right decision for you.


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

I know that FarmerJ isn't my husband... I have been home all day & so has he and he has been sitting around watching "Dexter" seaon 2 reruns... Nothing else... He has barely even touched his PC.

As for the sex... I could almost get it if he stopped being into "it" while I was pregnant or after... I mean, sorry, but your body does change... The fact is that we were all sorts of active until we got married, then everything just stopped. I didn't gain or lose weight... I didn't cut or dye my hair. Nothing... It was like the MINUTE he said "I do" everything physical was over.

But to be honest his ex told me (last year when I called to see who hubby was calling on his cell non-stop) that they almost never had sex either. She said that it just wasn't his thing. 

I wonder if there is some sort of compulsion, or whatever you want to call it, where the guy (or gal) is only interested in the on-line and phone stuff, but face-to-face freaks him out...


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

Jenni979 said:


> I have an appointment with an attorney. I just have to wait until he goes back to work. I don't want him asking a bunch of questions about where I was.
> 
> .
> 
> ...


In Idaho you can tape if 1 of you knows..so you know and that makes it legal..if your family talks to him and you tape just be sure your family knows. Simple as that


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Jenni979 said:


> I am less and less sure about my safety...
> 
> I really hope I am just being over emotional and nothing will happen. I mean, millions of women leave their marriages and get out fine. I don't know why I have turned myself into such a scaredy cat...



This ^^^scares me. Also what you said he said about maybe you should just go away. It really scares me. You hear almost weekly in the news about another mom who has disappeared. It does happen...a lot. Please take steps to get out now!

Also, you said you wished he would just disappear and leave you and your daughter alone. Maybe after the divorce papers are served, see if he'll agree to sign away his parental rights in exchange for not having to pay any child support.

Please take care!


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Learn from the past look to the future :cowboy: Take the lessons he has gave you and use them to get him gone . Make up  Then get your ducks in a row . My x was a genius at mutilation she would hug one second and bite the next .She would have me hanging pictures on the South wall today even helping tomorrow she would swear she told me to hang them on the West wall :stars:

But above all be safe . If you are in a small county in Texas sew up the best lawyers get a free consult from the good ones he might use this gets them out of the picture . Be a good magician keep him busy with one hand while pulling the rug out from under him with the other .eep:

Best wishes http://www.divorcesource.com/info/divorcelaws/texas.shtml


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## TJN66 (Aug 29, 2004)

Hope you get out and soon. You need to for your own health and your daughters best interests.


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## pattycake (May 16, 2010)

Dear sweet girl, I was touched when you said this site is the only place that you feel "safe" to talk and vent. If that is true then please, please listen to all the advice that this "safe" site has offered. Not one person has said for you to stay. Your story has makings of a "48 Hrs Investigates" or "Dateline" story. Dr. Phil would ask "what are you getting out of this"? Do you like the drama and suspense? Perhaps you do but let me assure you that your daughter will suffer in the end. He will abuse her in the same way he is abusing you. I say run, don't walk, but run! Call your parents and tell them that you need them. They may have been turning aside as they feared you might try to take your life again. If you were my daughter I would want to know what is going on. They will probably have some good advice and insite to all of this. Listen to them! Biblically God has already forgiven you. Your husband has broken his maritial vows. God wants only good for you and your daughter. Lean on Him.


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## modineg44 (Jun 25, 2002)

That trust is SEPARATE property in the State of Texas. He has no right to any of it.

Nancy


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## dragonjaze (Sep 8, 2010)

aw, jeez. Just reading this makes me want to take off from work, drive down to Texas, toss his clothes and stuff out on the lawn, change the locks, and sleep on your couch for a while.

Do you have anyone that can do that for you? Like...yesterday?


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

chickenista said:


> If it were me.. I would immediately apologize and cry and tell him I could never live without him etc... I would never, ever leave and beg him not to leave me.
> 
> Then continue on with your plans to leave.
> Definitely shut up about the impending divorce.


This is EXCELLENT advice. You need to go back to your "stupid" self that your husband thinks you are. However you acted when you found out the first time, second time, etc - go back to that and ACT like nothing is wrong. ACT like everything is back to normal in your marriage where you forgive him and believe that whatever he says is correct.

The words "divorce, leaving, custody, support, etc" are NOT in your vocabulary anymore.

Then take your lawyers advice and totally catch him off guard. You don't want him to even think you are considering anything because otherwise he may be the one cleaning out the bank accounts, etc and he will be the one getting things lined up.

No matter how mad he makes you, no matter what you find out, you need to go back to acting like all is "well" with your marriage.


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## TJN66 (Aug 29, 2004)

dragonjaze said:


> aw, jeez. Just reading this makes me want to take off from work, drive down to Texas, toss his clothes and stuff out on the lawn, change the locks, and sleep on your couch for a while.
> 
> Do you have anyone that can do that for you? Like...yesterday?


Yep...me too!


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> I wish we were at a place where we could just seperate everything we own and be done with each other... But, I know him well enought to know that he will fight me at every single step.


The longer you wait, the harder it will get.

It sounds like your family has some resources. Can your dad take him aside privately and offer him $X in go-away money to simply disappear from your and your daughter's life? Following a quick and non-messy divorce, of course.

Incidentally, I had the porn problem with my last husband. It had been going on for a long time, at least through his previous marriage. Took me awhile to realize the extent of it as I don't have any objections to porn. I DID have an objection to a husband who would rather b with a magazine than with me, though! 

I'm remarried now and much happier. Hopefully you will be, too, someday!

Get started on your new life NOW!


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## Katskitten (Aug 5, 2010)

farmerj said:


> It's not. A porn addiction, it's a sex addiction.


Here is one other thing the "sex addiction" can lead to incest and abusing his own daughter. BTDT
Get him out of yours and her life. At least that way the both of you will have a chance to breath a sigh of relief. 
Then move on with your lives as if he never existed.


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## Jokarva (Jan 17, 2010)

Otter said:


> Next time he leaves the house, toss his stuff out and change the locks. When he comes home call the cops. They can NOT make you let him in to stay, They can try to talk you into it, they can escort him into the house to collect personal belongings, but in the end they will make him go.



Please be careful about this, from LegalWeb...


_Consult with an attorney before you do anything drastic, like calling the police. In most states you cannot evict a spouse who has been living with you. In community property states, such as Texas and California, even if the house is in your name you cannot evict him without a court order to vacate._


If you do things legally, if you cross your t's and dot your i's - he has that much less ammunition to use against you.


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## PurpleMartineer (Apr 12, 2008)

Get out and away from him.


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## gilberte (Sep 25, 2004)

Well I didn't read all the threads, too much drama. But from what I did read I would encourage you to *immediately* seek the counsel of a competent attorney and follow his advice.

Please don't follow the advice of throwing him out without benifit of legal issue. If you are married he has as much right to live in the marital abode as you do until a court deems otherwise.

Finally, and this may sound harsh, you seem to have issues of your own that you need to deal with, otherwise you're probably not going to get through this mess and will be doomed to repeat it.


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## glwalker (Apr 19, 2005)

The sooner you leave, the greater the chances are that your daughter won't even remember this man later on. I was a year old when my parents separated, and I have no recollection of the man whatsoever. I wouldn't know him if I saw him in the street. And that's good, because he wasn't a nice man. It's much better to get out of this marriage now before he does something terrible and your daughter is old enough to remember it. Also, maybe she'll eventually have a good stepfather.


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## suzfromWi (Jun 1, 2002)

Are you serious about leaving him or looking for a reason to stay? At times in these threads you sound serious and others not so much. If all you say is true, he is a bad husband and father and doesn't give a hoot about you...Things will not get better only worse. Take your baby and leave, THEN you can fight for your rights and your house...


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## Witterbound (Sep 4, 2007)

Who is at fault, in many states, is not that important when getting a divorce. What is important is who gets custody of the children and that legal standard is ususally "what is in the best interest of the children." You need to focus on how you will prove that it will be in the best interests of your children for you to have custody. Your lawyer will help you sort through the factors. That is really what matters here.


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

The only thing that's important is that you and your child stay safe. Listen to your inside voice. I'm certain it's screaming right now to get you and your daughter to a safer place. 

If I had the power I'd put you in a witness protection program with security protection 24/7. That "husband" sounds really dangerous.


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## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

I have appointments with several lawyers now, for consults... Someone told me that the husband could not legally hire any attorney that I have even had a phone consult with... So, I am making the rounds... 

Last night he started acting all lovey & said that he would do whatever it takes to save his family... I don't really buy it, but I agreed. I'm taking y'all's advice & trying so hard to act like things are fine and not give him any reason to think I still want out. It was so hard, last night, to be in the same bed with him... 

My parents are trying to get down here sooner, but it will still be several weeks...


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## kenworth (Feb 12, 2011)

Hugs and prayers for strength. 

Get out of the relationship now. You are a young mother who has so much life left to live. Don't spend the rest of your days being miserable. You can do this!


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## hiddensprings (Aug 6, 2009)

First off, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have to first know that this isn't your fault. Now, it is time to take some action. Call an attorney. Most all of them will give you a free initial consultation. You can ask questions, find out the laws in your state, etc. Then start gathering your evidence. You have two women already who have told you what hubby did. Don't worry if he denies it. He's a liar and you know he is. Then start taking screen shots of all of the sites he is visiting. If he is deleting history, don't worry....he'll be back to his old games soon enough. I guess what I am saying is that you need to start documenting stuff. 
My oldest son went through something similar. His girlfriend was abusive (which amazes me because son is like 6'4" and she is a tiny thing....but it happens) Anyways, a few years ago, she got drunk on New Years Eve and gave son a black eye. Someone got it on video. Son kicked her out.....she said he would never see his baby again. He filed a police report, got a copy of video and told her that she would agree to 50-50 custody of baby or he would press charges. Without the evidence, it would have been hard for him to get anyone to believe how mean she was.....worked in his favor to have evidence. It will help you too!


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## luv2farm (Feb 15, 2008)

Jenni979 said:


> I wish he would just walk out of the door and never come back... But, I know how much that would hurt my little girl. He is her hero and no mater what happens I will be the bad guy...


How old is this child? Honey, YOU are parenting out of guilt!! You gotta quit that!


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## Prickle (May 9, 2009)

Nevada said:


> Yes. It's unlikely that a man would prefer porn over a woman. He's almost certainly seeing someone on the side. *But on the off-chance he prefers porn over his wife*, you've got a lot bigger problems than porn.


I suppose there are functioning porn addicts just like there are functioning alcoholics but there are plenty of men who give up real world sex for pictures on their computers.

Porn women are always available, don't make demands and require no effort to make them happy.


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## unregistered6474 (Apr 21, 2003)

Don't broadcast your intentions to him. Maintain an air of normalcy while proceeding with the divorce. Perhaps even suggest counseling or couples counseling to him. 

Document everything. Make a timeline of all of his despicable actions. Make a list of people who can vouch for his behavior.

If you have any joint bank accounts, stop using them and transfer the money out into your very own account if you can. Also, make sure he can't take stuff he can sell, like gold jewelry, etc. 

Get tested for STDs. Some clinics work on a sliding scale. 

Your daughter needs to know that you're going to protect her and work on creating the life you both deserve! He sounds like a chauvinist and there are good men out there that will treat both of you right. Don't worry about her loss .... she won't notice for long. 

He can fold his own darn laundry. Taking care of a small child is a "job" in and of itself. Especially when you're having to deal with his BS. What he is doing IS abusive!

Hugs to you. Don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. This too will pass.


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## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

Originally Posted by Jenni979 
I wish he would just walk out of the door and never come back... But, I know how much that would hurt my little girl. He is her hero and no mater what happens I will be the bad guy... 

WHAAAT?? You're going to be the bad guy for divorcing such a man?? Sweetie, I'm really not trying to be rude, but if you convince yourself of that, you might as well stay in the marriage. You canNOT live your life according to what your *child* might think. Children do NOT think the way adults do. They do NOT have the ability to *reason* at a very young age. They do NOT understand things the way you do. They are CHILDREN, and they think like CHILDREN. 

I know you are in a very, very tough spot, and that you want to do what is best for your child's future. But you simply canNOT allow yourself to be paralyzed by sentiments like you just expressed. To do so would be to give your child a life of misery and unhappiness, and I know you don't want that.

YOU have to be the adult in this situation, and make the hard choices, because your husband, from what you have said in this thread, will NOT make hard choices. You have your child and the futures of both your child and yourself to consider. At this point, your husband's future is not your concern.

Just my .02, and I will pray for your situation and that your parents can help you.


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## MullersLaneFarm (Jul 23, 2004)

Katlara said:


> *Document everything.* Make a timeline of all of his despicable actions. Make a list of people who can vouch for his behavior.


This is a must!



Katlara said:


> If you have any joint bank accounts, stop using them and transfer the money out into your very own account if you can. Also, make sure he can't take stuff he can sell, like gold jewelry, etc.


As is this!!


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## Island of Blueb (Sep 20, 2005)

Jenni, I first feel sick in the pit of my stomach reading your story.

Then I feel so very angry.

You are married to a real manipulator. 

Your story could be mine, except not many people had computers in my day.

He did everything bad right under my nose. Infidelity, lying, stealing, mouthing off to me in public, then started knocking me around, each time worse than the last.

Okay, my advice and experience. I got a low-income apartment, then when he was out of town, my girlfriends came and moved me and enough household things to get by on. (Thank God for good friends.) I signed a quit-claim deed for the house. Got food stamps, due to having no income I did not have to pay much rent. Yes, maybe I was a low-life for getting food stamps and AFDC, but I believe that is what these things are for, giving someone a leg up to get on their feet again.

At court, the judge asked, "Now let's talk about custody/visitation. How much time do you want to see your children?"

"None, she can have 'em."

He tried to throw his weight around for a while, but he was having too much fun partying to keep that up.

So however you choose to do it, cut the ties and make the break. I now have been married to a great guy since 1988. Hugs to you!

Oh yes, he used the "bad housekeeper" card on me too, and blabbed his lies all over town, people still believe that- people who have never been to my house...


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Island of Blueb said:


> Yes, maybe I was a low-life for getting food stamps and AFDC, but I believe that is what these things are for, giving someone a leg up to get on their feet again.


No, you were not a "low life". That is EXACTLY what these programs are for!! "Hand up" not "hand out"!


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

Low Life? Excuse me? I was aid, only way I could leave my ex. I am not a low life, and I've certainly paid it back. You will too. 

Leaving him will be doing your daughter a favor.


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

If it wasn't for the fact my ex was dead, I would say you married him. He also played the bad housekeeper card in front of his mother, who went off on him like a rocket. Keeping MIL on your side is cool-if she's not part of the problem.
My folks were not interested in helping me, in fact my mother told me that I should stay in my marriage because it could not be as bad as her marriage to my father. Neither parent wanted to know me until I had graduated from nursing school and the battered woman's therapy group. My ex also informed people I had gone to the batytered women's shelter because I couldn't afford to go to a hotel.
I hope and pray you take action. A child I had known who grew up in this sort of house ran into rush hour traffic on I95 as an 18yr old- suicide. She grew up watching a marriage of her parents such as you describe.
I hope you find the strength to take care of you and your daughter. God didn't give you life to throw it away on drama and misery.


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## Island of Blueb (Sep 20, 2005)

Tracy Rimmer said:


> No, you were not a "low life". That is EXACTLY what these programs are for!! "Hand up" not "hand out"!





Maura said:


> Low Life? Excuse me? I was aid, only way I could leave my ex. I am not a low life, and I've certainly paid it back. You will too...


Right, it was needed at the time. Thanks for the understanding, guys.

Prayers going out to Jenni + daughter.


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

Jenni, look up NPD. Narcissitc Personality Disorder. Do that first, and if he qualifies, read the following.

You sound like you love your parents and they love you. Your DD will not grow up loved by her father, no matter if you stay or go.

When you are the child of a narcissist, either somebody gets you out when you're tiny, or you wind up with a boatload of baggage to carry around with you. 

Is he good to her now? Because once she becomes her own person, not just a snuggly little feather in his cap, he is going to show his true colors. About the time she hits three or four, he's going to start with unrealistic expectations. She will grow up being insulted and put down by her own father. He probably will hit her. She will be forbidden most normal childhood activities. Any deviation from unquestioning worship and loyalty to him will be met with a cold hatred and punishment. She won't be allowed to date, that's out of the question. Any interest, no matter how innocent, n a boy will be twisted into something shameful and immoral.

If you allow all that, how you think she's going to feel about you? What kind of man do you think she will be attracted to?

Even if she manages to marry a good man... she's going to have serious self worth issues that will affect her marriage and mothering.

Your fears are very grounded in reality. Think about that. Please. Your daughter needs you. What happens if you just... disappear? She will be raised by him and a string of women who fit his interests. He threatenedto KILL YOU, her mother, and you are still there? No house is worth your baby growing up motherless! Call your mama and get out of there, or call the women's shelter; call the nonemergency police line to get the info if you must. 

I don't say all this lightly. There's more, but... just get out. Please.


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

I think this is all pretty cut & dry. I haven't read the other posts, but you have made a case for yourself. If you are miserable.. divorce him. Please don't be one of those people that just sits around whining about your life for the next 10 years but not doing anything to change it. I divorced my 1st husband and ended up giving my daughter an amazing father in my 2nd marriage. My DH and I added 3 more children to our family and we're still going strong. We have happy kids, and I have NEVER regretted the time I didn't LOSE by staying married to my 1st husband.


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## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

My ex took off with the real estate tax money. Get your assets in a secure place in your name!


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## livinzoo (Aug 29, 2007)

I've been there and done that. First things first BE CAREFUL.

While going through my divorce my ex, who was never physically abusive, broke into my house at 2am. I had changed the locks only hours before as I had a weird feeling. After trying the front door, climbing a ladder to the deck door, he came up through the basement (he still had stuff there so I didn't change that lock). He beat the door handle off with a hammer. I called the cops before he got in. They told me since we hadn't officially filed (we were going to do it ourselves) they really couldn't ask him to leave, but the did anyway. I still think about the fact that he could have killed me.

And to reiterate it, a coworker of mine was shot to death by her estranged husband. He later killed himself rather than get caught.

Please be safe. Don't drink anything that he has had access to. With your situation it would not shock me to hear that he would try to poison you. Only drink sealed drinks. And don't eat any food that he could have put stuff in.

Most importantly follow your gut. If I hadn't I might not be here today.

If he has been paying the mortgage directly, than he will probably be entitled to half. If the check has been going to your parents and they have been paying the mortgage than you guys would probably be looked at as tenants.

I think you really need to reevaluate why you choose abusive men. I had too. A booked that helped me figure out why I did and was recommended by a therapist is Getting the love you want by Harville Hendrix. 

Please be safe!


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## snoozy (May 10, 2002)

Hey, Jenni, how about an update? We want to know that you are safe...


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## Catalytic (Sep 15, 2010)

Bump, hoping to hear from Jenni.


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

I am waiting for an update as well..

And I want to throw a kudos in for my husband and give you some perspective..

I was/am a SAHM too. And when the boy was little DH would come home and dinner wouldn't be quite ready and I and the house were a wreck and the laundry wasn't folded or whatever else, I felt kinda bad about it.
I would apologize and he would stop me and ask, 'Is the baby still alive and well?" and I would answer in the affirmative.
Then he would smile and tell me I had done a good day's work because my sole job and only responsibility that mattered was to keep the boy alive and well.
The rest of it all means nothing at all.

This made me feel much better and put it all in prespective for me whenever he did it.

Your DH is a doodoo bird, a donkey's rear and any other thing you can think of that can't be said here.


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

A-men, Chickenista. It's why you are called a stay at home MOTHER. MOTHERING is your job description. Housework is keeping the family fed and clean clothes to wear. Anything else is gravy!


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## dranger1108 (Aug 7, 2010)

chickenista said:


> I am waiting for an update as well..
> 
> And I want to throw a kudos in for my husband and give you some perspective..
> 
> ...


chickenista give that hubby lots of ((hugs))


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

He does have his wonderful moments, but we have battled through some of the same computer issues. But he is older and has reached the age of reason and sense...
plus.. I'm scary.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

you're lucky you have a man like that Chickenista. that's the kind of man i had in my first husband. i wish i'd had many more years with him. ~Georgia.


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## SLD Farm (Dec 19, 2007)

Jenni I am praying for you. I left an emotionally abusive marriage after 12yrs last November. It was hard, very hard. I walked away with nothing but debt. I had been unhappy for a long time and he constantly blamed me for my unhappiness, saying that he was "perfectly happy" with how things were, so I was the obvious issue. He refused counseling or acceptance of any of our issues. Everything was always my fault.

Get an attorney, protect yourself and your daughter and DON'T BACK DOWN. He is gonna tell you anything he can to try to break your resolve.


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## barelahh (Apr 13, 2007)

dragonfly65 said:


> You will definitely need a lawyer. Since Texas is a community property state half of everythng you own legally belongs to him - including the house. It doesn't matter if his name isn't on it. However, you could probably transfer the house to your parents and have it finalized BEFORE you take any divorce or seperation action and safeguard that at least..


VERY bad advice! First of all, she came into the marraige with that property. They remain her property. THE ONLY CLAIM he has is if the property increased in value from the date of marraige. THen he is lawfully entitled to 50% of the equity gain from the time of marraige to the present. NOTHING PRIOR To the marraige is touchable. 

SECONDLY. VERY BAD ADVICE to put her property in her parents name, unless she is going to wait 2 years before filing. The courts will look at this very badly. THey will force her to sell it all and then divide it and probably penalize her for trying to hide assets! 

Third if your going to take the laptop and recover data, better take it to someone who works with the courts. I.E. a attorney who will then take it and have it done by a bonded and licensed forensic data service. IF YOU TAKE IT and do it from joe blow company that isn't licensed and bonded, then he can claim it was planted evidence. You gotta remember proof is only good as the integrity of that proof. And if you copy it off onto a flash drive its useless as tits on a boar hog in a court of law. can't be entered into evidence.


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## barelahh (Apr 13, 2007)

Jenni979 said:


> I don't know about the length of time my parents would have to file on him for him stealing from them... It has been a little over 1 year... I do know that if he has any type of legal action against him he will most likely lose his job. I'm not all that sure what he would do then...


IN Most states the statute of limitation is 2 -4 years from date of discovery.


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## barelahh (Apr 13, 2007)

Jenni979 said:


> I have an appointment with an attorney. I just have to wait until he goes back to work. I don't want him asking a bunch of questions about where I was.
> 
> I just got finished listening to him tell me all about how I am "not the victim" and how he is the real one suffering... Whenever I said ANYTING about the lies, cheating or stealing he would just say "is that all you have? you have to keep bringing up stuff from the past?" Well, yeah!!! I will keep bringing up the past because it has NEVER been resolved and it is still effecting the present.
> 
> ...


So long as a wire, oral, or electronic communicationâincluding the radio portion of any cordless telephone callâis not recorded for a criminal or tortious purpose, anyone who is a party to the communication, or who has the consent of a party, can lawfully record the communication and disclose its contents. Texas Penal Code Â§ 16.02.

Under the statute, consent is not required for the taping of a non-electronic communication uttered by a person who does not have a reasonable expectation of privacy in that communication. See definition of âoral communication,â Texas Code Crim. Pro. Art. 18.20.


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## barelahh (Apr 13, 2007)

sidepasser said:


> Hon, call your mom and tell her what's what..borrow some $$ and hire a lawyer. Interview several in your area (at least five of the best), hire one and have a restraining order instituted.
> 
> Don't LEAVE your home, please don't. But you can make him leave..just put his crap out on the lawn, change the locks and say good riddance to bad rubbish. He will not change, he doesn't respect you or your daughter (if he did, he would not have porn on his computer where either of you could see it when he knows it upsets you so).
> 
> ...


i have heard this said many times in this thread. NO YOU CANNOT Do this! IF you do you can be charged. All he has to do is call the cops and they will make you let him in. THE PROPER PROCEEDURE is to go get a TPI at the courthouse and have the cops eject him. Please do not try this as it will totally ---- him off and you will suffer the consequences when no one is there to witness it.


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## Esteban29304 (Apr 29, 2003)

Without delay ,,, talk to a lawyer. Many will give you 5 minutes of free advice. You DO NOT NEED him & he does NOT deserve you. No matter what anyone else tells you,,, including him,, it will end in a divorce , & the sooner the better.


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## suzfromWi (Jun 1, 2002)

I have a feeling about all this, and her not updating, I hope Im wrong...


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## goldspur (Nov 12, 2004)

Get him gone now, get a court order if you have to. I would not leave him alone with my child. Yes maybe every thing is in your name, he will not leave because he will lose every thing, He will not touch you but cyber sex and phone calls, he's only a lier and cheet, plus you even seen one of the other women he's been with. Get out now, before its to late, these guys can get very possesive, he may try to take your little girl, I would not put it past him. Get a lawyer now, worry about $ later, THIS is NOT a normal relationship, he will never be able to stop, and do not let him take you and your little girl down with him, he's unstable, do this with caution, he may snap, get out before he harm's both of you, mentally or physically. Hoping you the best.


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## Catalytic (Sep 15, 2010)

suzfromWi said:


> I have a feeling about all this, and her not updating, I hope Im wrong...


I'm _*really*_ hoping she went to visit her parents for the holiday.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

suzfromWi said:


> I have a feeling about all this, and her not updating, I hope Im wrong...


I have a feeling, too, and I don't like it at all. I am worried about her and wish she would check in.


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## SpaceCadet12364 (Apr 27, 2003)

Admins or anyone have phone numbers or anything for her?


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## mayfinn farm (Nov 29, 2007)

She has posted on Facebook, so I am guessing she is okay.


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## Kstornado11 (Mar 17, 2006)

mayfinn farm said:


> She has posted on Facebook, so I am guessing she is okay.


Thanks for the update! I really hope the OP is OK...


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

KSTornado,
If there is a domestic violence shelter in your area, please get in touch with them, OK? 
Even if you can't leave right now, they can provide counseling which may help you keep your sanity. 
There also may be resources available of which you're not aware.
Please look into it, OK?


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## lmnde (Sep 25, 2006)

> I have friends that berate me for not getting out, telling me that I can get government help if I do: Well, that is BS, I can't just leave him, go to a women's shelter & go on welfare. That would just be much worse for the 3 kids, & we couldn't survive on like $300 a month, I can't get a JOB, with a disabled child, I REFUSE to take the chance of him being hurt or abused & neglected... strangers just don't care for disabled children like a mother does.


And why not? Do you think you are doing your children [never mind yourself] a service by continuing to expose them to the verbal and physical abuse? The fear, worry and hatred for dad [or contempt for you - all depending on your children's personality] you are putting them through, while you sit back and let it happen? You refuse to leave, so when he beats you to a pulp or drives you to suicide - who takes care of the kids then? Or are you waiting for the kids to get older and treat you the same?

Mayhaps it is the property/house/land [whatever] you are not willing to give up or leave to him if you do leave? Are you worried about what people will be saying [chances is they are already talking about you and him anyways - you told multiple friends, and friends talk]? You do realize that you have rights to commonly owned property, and the things you brought into the marriage, right? You know that you are entitled to child support, possibly alimony depending on how long you have been married, correct? Talk to an attorney or two and get some viable legal advice!!! Are you aware that there are help programs for disabled children, including in home health care via nurses etc.

YOU are an abused woman - emotionally, verbally, physically - and he has worn you down to a nub. YOU need to have some type of counseling. With your church, with Alanon, with a professional therapist - it doesn't matter - you need to hear that from someone else that you have options. I second the suggestion that you go talk to someone in a womans shelter. Even if you are not ready to go there yet, they will have the information you need, the resources lined up for you to check out, and options to look into. 

You don't want to live of government subsidies - I think that is great. So use it as a stepping stone to move out and get on your feet. Nobody said you need to live like that for the rest of your life. You have a disabled child - so when you go back to school - then go for something that can be done from home - either employed, commissioned, independant contractor or in business for yourself. Sweetie - YOU DO have options, and opportunities and a better life can be waiting for you just around a corner or two. 

No it is not going to be easy, it never is. But you can do it, if you put your mind + heart to it!!!


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

_That would just be much worse for the 3 kids_

Bull twaddle.
And you know that deep down inside.
I know that you do.

It is strength that you lack at the moment.
Right now you have a roof etc.. and it is a biological imperative to keep that.
Going against the lizard brain's mother instinct is hard, but the lizard brain is wrong on this one. Time for 'you' to win out.

You are not going to starve to death. Your kids are not going to starve to death.
There are ways and there are means.

Though I would suggest a nice long drive, bus ride, train trip as well... get far away.
You just don't need his carp at all for a while.

You said your son was already becoming a jerk... well, that has to stop. YOu know that adn I knwo that you do.

C'mon Nichole.... reach deep.


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## seagullplayer (Nov 6, 2008)

I would suspect the OP has given her husband a second chance and is perhaps a little intimidated to tell everyone just yet.


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## melissa78 (Oct 14, 2010)

seagullplayer said:


> I would suspect the OP has given her husband a second chance and is perhaps a little intimidated to tell everyone just yet.


Her facebook posts are centered around another issue.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Kstornado, whoever told you that you would be living on $300 a month was lying, or badly misinformed.

PLEASE call a woman's shelter and ask for the real facts???

I am not telling you to go or to stay: I am saying to know the facts.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

She's in the fire zone in Tx. And that might be all she has time for right now. Praying for all in that area.


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## lasergrl (Nov 24, 2007)

any updates??


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## chamoisee (May 15, 2005)

Don't waste another second of your life with this man. Get out, and I hope that you take each and every thing that is yours and to which you are entitled. I have no idea why he married you, because it is clear that he only loves himself, and you deserve better than that. He has not been committed to you. Don't feel bad, and *ignore* anyone who tries to make you feel bad. He is clearly a waste of space and oxygen, don't let him use you up as well.


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

"he would NEVER touch our daughter"

Sex and porn addicts escalate into unpredictible behavior....horrid events have been traced back to "harmless porn" addiction.


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## snoozy (May 10, 2002)

Wonder whatever happened to the OP...??


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

File for divorce. If you have to fight then fight. Sell the house and start over. You are not doing your child any favours by staying.


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## jaredI (Aug 6, 2011)

For anyone in a possible divorce situation. I would suggest the following.
1. Keep your plans secret
2. Consult an attorney, and research laws yourself as best you can.
2. Keep a journal of everything said and done, you can use this in court to help you be more precise about happenings, dates, and times.
3. Make sure you have a job, this shows you can (or at least you are trying to) support your children and gives you a better shot at custody.
4. Behave yourself. If you get to acting no better then the other half, it won't do you any favors.
5. Again, check the laws, but many times you can protect some of your assets by selling them to people you know so you can later buy them back.
6. Once you leave someone, (or they leave you) get your(or their) name off everything you do not want to be responsible for their debts after you are separated.
7. Agree (if you can) to divide community property amongst youselves, sell and split the money on the things you can not agree on. *Why spend thousands on a lawyer to fight over property* when many times you can replace it for less then the lawyers fees amount too. If any of you here are lawyers, I'm sorry 
8. Never ever under any circumstances put your children in the middle of it, don't make the child the go between, don't make your child feel like they have to choose between parents.
I am not a lawyer, this is simply my advice, and it worked for me. Again, *check your local laws,* and consult professional counsel.

Best of luck through any of these unfortunate circumstances.


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