# Friend wants alot



## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

Had an old friend from ft hood texas days, email me last night. Have not communicated in 28 years.
She asked to come live with me. She divorced at some point. Is waiting on her disability application. Put her mom in a nursing home. And now has no place to live.
No way i can take on another person. Money or emotionally.
I have not replied yet. Trying to figure out how to say no. Other than sounding mean. Or forgetting about the bond we had during dessert storm while our husbands served. We had a very tight group back them. But as spouses came home our marriages fell apart one by one. 
And keeping in touch became painful. 
Thoughts


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## no really (Aug 7, 2013)

No communication for 28 years, a person can change a lot in that amount of time, do you know who she is now? 

As to taking on the responsibility of someone that is something only you can evaluate. As to how to say no, be honest you just aren't in the position to do it. You have to consider how it would affect you and your situation. If you aren't honest with yourself the outcome could be very bad for you both. IMHO


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## doozie (May 21, 2005)

If someone had not even communicated with me in the last 5 years, I would be asking myself "Why me?" Trust your gut, and just be honest with the person.
A simple No, I'm sorry, it's just not possible, without any other reasoning should be just fine as a reply.


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## GTX63 (Dec 13, 2016)

Forcast said:


> I have not replied yet. Trying to figure out how to say no. Other than sounding mean.


You already know that you will not do this.
Now, in what world would someone consider you mean for not taking someone into your home after 28 years? Your friend obviously does not consider it rude or imposing to ask.
The truth you posted above is the best method. If she considers you a friend, she will not hold it against you. That is the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. You are probably not the only one she called so don't feel you need to carry all of the weight for his place in life.
I had some rough times growing up and I did ask friends for help in some form or another at certain points. Some of them couldn't or wouldn't lend a hand. Not a single one of them do I hold any animosity towards.
You do what you can for you, and you help others when you are able.


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## poppy (Feb 21, 2008)

Sorry she put you in that situation. Sounds like she was living off her mother but now the nursing home will get mom's money, so she is looking for someone else to keep her until she gets disability. Disability claims are often denied and even if they are finally approved it can take years. If they deny it, are you ready to keep her from now on? I'm afraid it would be harder to kick an old friend out than to just tell her you are unable to take her in.


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

What would happen if you said Yes?


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

a lot. this woman may not even get disability and forcast would end up looking after her. she likely would end up doing that anyway at some point. i said no and i had the room and could afford it and so i was branded mean. i didn't care anymore. i had already taken care of a couple husbands and a friend all of whom ended up bedridden. i've done my duty . it's time for me and if that's mean so be it!~Georgia


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## barnbilder (Jul 1, 2005)

Friends don't put friends in such a spot.


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

newfieannie said:


> a lot. this woman may not even get disability and forcast would end up looking after her. she likely would end up doing that anyway at some point. i said no and i had the room and could afford it and so i was branded mean. i didn't care anymore. i had already taken care of a couple husbands and a friend all of whom ended up bedridden. i've done my duty . it's time for me and if that's mean so be it!~Georgia


Everyone seems to be assuming the worse. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.

I don't know what I would say, but I might say yes with certain conditions. The person would be told the rules and any violation meant they would be asked to leave immediately. Now if the person needed medical care or would be dependent on me, that would be a No unless it was one of my sisters or a couple of old friends I think would do the same for me.


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

barnbilder said:


> Friends don't put friends in such a spot.


If they are desperate they might.


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## CKelly78z (Jul 16, 2017)

It sounds as if this woman is looking for a compassionate soul who will take her in out of guilt (for not helping). She then will set up shop in your home, and be a permanent fixture that sponges off your good nature...JUST SAY NO !


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

i should add to my post to say the exception would be my son but i'm already partially supporting him financially and his bed is made up downstairs anyway and of course if i married again and my husband got sick which is entirely different.


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## barnbilder (Jul 1, 2005)

Friends keep tabs on each other good enough to know when somebody is leveraged pretty far already. I don't have any friends that haven't talked to in 28 years. Those are acquaintances. There is a difference.


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

MoonRiver said:


> Everyone seems to be assuming the worse. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.
> 
> I don't know what I would say, but I might say yes with certain conditions. The person would be told the rules and any violation meant they would be asked to leave immediately. Now if the person needed medical care or would be dependent on me, that would be a No unless it was one of my sisters or a couple of old friends I think would do the same for me.


I don't disagree but once they are in your house and have no place to go, kicking them out becomes quite difficult. They promise not to do it again and the lines quickly become blurred. 

I may also be somewhat jaded at this point but I have the world's laziest millenial on my couch who believes he's living in a 5 star hotel. In order to enhance his chunky phsique, he insists he needs at least 5 meals a day. 

Helping around the house was part of the house rules, but upon arrival, he let us know that helping dad is not good for his head space and he 'has no garbage clothes' to help outside. He literally sat and watched out the window as we loaded firewood a couple days ago, while he watches me carry in groceries, his only offer to help involves diggging through bags looking for non existent treats and I currently have to lock all tobacco products in the safe if I have to leave the house, even for moments. 

At this point, both his father and I are eagerly awaiting his departure next month, providing he can manage to keep his spotty work attendance in check enough to keep his 'very demanding' job at Tim Horton's long enough to earn enough cash to get back up to his girlfriend in Edmonton. 

Even if he wasn't lazy, self absorbed and backed by a rather large ego, it's not easy to take someone into your home and find they adapt to your household routine. More often than not, I've found you end up trying too hard to adapt your routine to lengthy houseguests expecations. 

If I were in that situation, I would either fully decline the request or set very firm parameters on the visit. Two weeks would be the absolute limit and they would need to arrive with a 2 week supply of groceries and have a next stop planned before they arrived.


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## Snowfan (Nov 6, 2011)

We don't need someones approval or permission to make the decisions we do. We do need to accept responsibilty for our words and actions. If I don't agree wth you, it's up to me to deal with it.
Good luck.


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## Elevenpoint (Nov 17, 2009)

No way.
Here once you live at a certain place for i think 30 days and its their legal residence 
Illegal to change locks etc.


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

We took in a couple of my son's friends for a short time. They were expected to help clean up after themselves and around the house if needed. Hubby blew a gasket after I had my surgery and he stopped by the house to find a mountain of dirty dishes littering the kitchen. 

The friends finally got an apartment and moved out. My son moved with them. The rift they created may never be mended.


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## 67drake (May 6, 2020)

Elevenpoint said:


> No way.
> Here once you live at a certain place for i think 30 days and its their legal residence
> Illegal to change locks etc.


Yup. We keep getting people who want to rent our Airb&b for a month. NOPE!


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

67drake said:


> Yup. We keep getting people who want to rent our Airb&b for a month. NOPE!


Oh didnt know that my son does the airb b with his house. 3 or so months they went rv ing. Sounds like a easy way to loose your house.


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

I have a friend who rented an Air B and B while they lived in this area looking for property. No problems ensued.

On a thread like this, you get all the horror stories. I understand that, but not every situation turns out badly.


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

Alice In TX/MO said:


> I have a friend who rented an Air B and B while they lived in this area looking for property. No problems ensued.
> 
> On a thread like this, you get all the horror stories. I understand that, but not every situation turns out badly.


The thing is I know most of the people here are a bunch of softies. They talk tough, but they all have big hearts.


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

I started to tell a couple of my "Fairy Godmother" stories about helping folks. Most have turned out well. A couple haven't, but that's ok. We learn things and go on. 

Pondering the evolution of a current situation now.


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## 67drake (May 6, 2020)

Forcast said:


> Oh didnt know that my son does the airb b with his house. 3 or so months they went rv ing. Sounds like a easy way to loose your house.


Well, you just have to be cautious. If someone wants to rent for a month or more I would strongly suggest doing a background check.
A couple in the next town over from us just started renting their home through AB&B. My wife messaged them and introduced herself. They were messaging back and forth and the other lady mentioned how they already have someone interested in renting for a whole month. My wife gave them a heads up about what could happen. The people did a background check on the renters, and found an extensive list of court cases against them, some still open. Horror story maybe, just a heads up is all I’m giving.


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## mreynolds (Jan 1, 2015)

MoonRiver said:


> Everyone seems to be assuming the worse. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.
> 
> I don't know what I would say, but I might say yes with certain conditions. The person would be told the rules and any violation meant they would be asked to leave immediately. Now if the person needed medical care or would be dependent on me, that would be a No unless it was one of my sisters or a couple of old friends I think would do the same for me.


Do you have room at your house?


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## mzgarden (Mar 16, 2012)

MoonRiver said:


> Everyone seems to be assuming the worse. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.
> 
> I don't know what I would say, but I might say yes with certain conditions. The person would be told the rules and any violation meant they would be asked to leave immediately. Now if the person needed medical care or would be dependent on me, that would be a No unless it was one of my sisters or a couple of old friends I think would do the same for me.


It doesn't seem so easy to just get someone to leave immediately, after you've moved them in. My answer would be I an not in a position to have you move in. However, I am willing to make some phone calls for you to connect you with your local senior services to see if they can provide the help you need.

That's me.


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

I have not responded back. Ill see if you contacts me again.. I suspect like some have said she most likely has sent the request to others. Maybe someone better suited will step forward. I dont feel.i need to giver her an excuse
Other then im not able to help. 
Thanks for everyone's support.


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

mreynolds said:


> Do you have room at your house?


No not really matter of a room..more about money to feed cover car gas insurance if she is truly without any money.. 
We have seen people post about looking for farm work. Its that same thing people.think they can work for room and board.. But without cash how do they pay for necessary stuff. Go on welfare? Pay for their car ? Personal hygiene items. Or does the barter system cover tampons, condoms, shampoo, diapers, formula, smokes?


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## SLFarmMI (Feb 21, 2013)

Forcast said:


> Had an old friend from ft hood texas days, email me last night. Have not communicated in 28 years.
> She asked to come live with me. She divorced at some point. Is waiting on her disability application. Put her mom in a nursing home. And now has no place to live.
> No way i can take on another person. Money or emotionally.
> I have not replied yet. Trying to figure out how to say no. Other than sounding mean. Or forgetting about the bond we had during dessert storm while our husbands served. We had a very tight group back them. But as spouses came home our marriages fell apart one by one.
> ...


"No" is a complete answer. Expand on it if you like but a clear "no" serves the purpose.


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## Wellbuilt (Dec 25, 2020)

if you haven’t seen her in 28 years she is not really a friend any more , just say , no sorry .


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## GTX63 (Dec 13, 2016)

MoonRiver said:


> The thing is I know most of the people here are a bunch of softies. They talk tough, but they all have big hearts.


You are right Moon, most of us are softies down deep.
Emotion may lead many of us when we are younger but with the right hard lessons, reason, intuition and common sense take over sooner rather than later.
There are ways to help this woman without going down a bad road.


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## ladytoysdream (Dec 13, 2008)

Just a simple no and sorry, I am not able to help you. 

What I found interesting in your post was your friend did not get in touch for 
28 years, and now she uses a email. Have you had the same email for 28 years ?


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

I'm thinking that maybe the woman is thinking back to a time she felt safe and Forcast was one of her best friends at that time. Now she feels lost and abandoned and is trying to recreate the time she felt safe, and that's why she thought of Forcast.

Or maybe she is looking for someone to mooch off of.


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

MoonRiver said:


> I'm thinking that maybe the woman is thinking back to a time she felt safe and Forcast was one of her best friends at that time. Now she feels lost and abandoned and is trying to recreate the time she felt safe, and that's why she thought of Forcast.
> 
> Or maybe she is looking for someone to mooch off of.


See that was my feeling as well. Those years in Texas far away from family for my first time. The army family filled in for everyones family when spouses went to war. It was hard we had support with each other. Even when we moved base we kept in touch. Even did road trips. Or took in the young adult children as they moved to our areas for college or basic training. Seemed as we grew farther away from the military we lost contact. Some happened because of being busy or loss of income people dropped internet or switched to cell phones from landlines. Just hard not to remember the times we spent as a group of kinda lost.people. most of our spouses had never seen fighting before. Never seen war..and ours hay 3 back to back missions..
Stayed up all last night thinking. And still dont feel i cant help. All it would do is put us both in a bad situation. Me money wise her relocation from out west to Eastcoast



.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Several years ago, and after my DH died, my sister-in-law wanted to move in with me. Now, I DID want to help her, mainly because she was DH's sister...but to be truthful, her personality just STUNK.

I gave it a lot of thought, and then told her that I couldn't see any benefit to her in moving two states away to stay with me. She had friends where she was, activities she enjoyed there, she knew how things were done at the state and city level, had her medical team that she liked, the stores and restaurants she enjoyed. And I probably pointed out more things to her. Sent her $50 to "help her out a bit" and she never raised the subject again.

Mon


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Posted 11/19/21 11:11 P.M. CST

After 28 years simply tell her times have changed and so have you and one of the changes is that you value your privacy and then put her on ignore.

Somebody trying to set in on you after three decades isn't like helping a close friend. You are most likely one of her last straws she is desperately trying to grasp at. Treat her almost 30 year absence as you would the passing of someone 30 years ago.

In the current social climate it may not even be her but instead a miner catphisher trying to phish cash out of you with a sob story.


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## romysbaskets (Aug 29, 2009)

There is a lot here that is wrong....Do you know in most states after 3 days of someone staying with you in your home, you have to evict a guest in civil court to make them leave if they won't after an official notice to vacate? This is a ploy many people are using. In 28 years a person can change alot. Yes likely her Mother in law was supporting her. Disability claims are all different in that each state is different....it takes a long time here! NO way would I allow someone in my home after no contact for 28 years! Say you can't help her....don't cave in and if you must, block her. If you didn't mean enough to her to contact you all these years?


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

frogmammy said:


> Several years ago, and after my DH died, my sister-in-law wanted to move in with me. Now, I DID want to help her, mainly because she was DH's sister...but to be truthful, her personality just STUNK.
> 
> I gave it a lot of thought, and then told her that I couldn't see any benefit to her in moving two states away to stay with me. She had friends where she was, activities she enjoyed there, she knew how things were done at the state and city level, had her medical team that she liked, the stores and restaurants she enjoyed. And I probably pointed out more things to her. Sent her $50 to "help her out a bit" and she never raised the subject again.
> 
> Mon


That's very good thinking


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

Shrek said:


> Posted 11/19/21 11:11 P.M. CST
> 
> After 28 years simply tell her times have changed and so have you and one of the changes is that you value your privacy and then put her on ignore.
> 
> ...


Oh my never thought that. The older i get the less i trust people.


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## gilberte (Sep 25, 2004)

Send her a copy of this thread.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Just thought of something...28 years is a LONG time! If the friends she's made DURING that 28 years won't/can't help her, maybe that should be warning enough?

Mon


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## Redlands Okie (Nov 28, 2017)

Forcast said:


> Had an old friend from ft hood texas days, email me last night. Have not communicated in 28 years.
> She asked to come live with me. She divorced at some point. Is waiting on her disability application. Put her mom in a nursing home. And now has no place to live.
> No way i can take on another person. Money or emotionally.
> I have not replied yet. Trying to figure out how to say no. Other than sounding mean. Or forgetting about the bond we had during dessert storm while our husbands served. We had a very tight group back them. But as spouses came home our marriages fell apart one by one.
> ...




“No way i can take on another person. Money or emotionally.”


Seems like you have a nice polite reason already figured out in your post. Seems your hands and time are full and used up, money already budgeted to its limits. Emotions being stretched already as a result.


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

The three day guest situation mentioned above is not universal.


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## oregon woodsmok (Dec 19, 2010)

If you haven't heard from her in 28 years, that means she has already asked everyone she knows better and more recently and they have all turned her down. If all of those more recent acquantances have turned her down, they know something about her that you don't know and she is hoping that you don't know it about her.

Just tell her sorry, but it doesn't work for you at this time. If you feel like it, ask if she would like to set a date to meet you for lunch so that both of you can catch up. I wouldn't because I would expect it to turn into a begging session, but its up to you.


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## oregon woodsmok (Dec 19, 2010)

I was just thinking: she hasn't spoken to you for 28 years, so if you tell her no, what will be the worst she can do? Stop talking to you?

Just tell her it has been nice hearing from her but that you can't help her at this time.


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## muleskinner2 (Oct 7, 2007)

I have had old friends that I hadn't see in years show up at my door needing a place to stay. I explained that I didn't have room in the house, but offered to pitch a wall tent on my property, and let them stay a month. Probably not the best solution, but it worked for me.


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

Have not had a second email so guess she figured something else out. I did not reply to the first. I love the bunch of you ! Always a place to talk thats not always in my head.


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## Bamabear53 (Oct 29, 2021)

I’d have to say No!


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## Kelly Craig (Oct 10, 2021)

ROOM ELEPHANT:

As others said, there is the fact counting on a disability is a gamble. Do you gamble?

That aside, is the disability going to be enough to put down the first and last, and a deposit on an apartment? If not, it would be a slow motion move from your place, and your limited resources could be sorely taxed for a long time.


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## B&L Chicken Ranch and Spa (Jan 4, 2019)

This sounds like a train wreck. Do not become part of it.

28 years? Not a good friend.


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## Markansas (Nov 24, 2021)

Forcast said:


> Had an old friend from ft hood texas days, email me last night. Have not communicated in 28 years.
> She asked to come live with me. She divorced at some point. Is waiting on her disability application. Put her mom in a nursing home. And now has no place to live.
> No way i can take on another person. Money or emotionally.
> I have not replied yet. Trying to figure out how to say no. Other than sounding mean. Or forgetting about the bond we had during dessert storm while our husbands served. We had a very tight group back them. But as spouses came home our marriages fell apart one by one.
> ...


i just skimed all the last replys.. wow. old friend has reached out after 28 years.. in need of help.. if i was a christian what would jesus say.. however i think if her need it to reach out to you because no one in her close circle can help or will help her. it must have too a lot out of her to even ask.. so now how much of a friend are you she will take up space on a couch get food stamps there is doc visits and lawyers to talk to for her getting disabilty from soc sec. 
its a lot to handle even if its not about cost however this is your friend and in the greatest need reach out to you for help.. your call.. i have done it before sometime its good sometime bad.. you never know the good if you do not try. help her.. mark


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## Weedygarden (Mar 16, 2011)

If you hear from her again, make your response simple, "No." As others have said, who else has she asked? Has she used up all of her friends? She may have an addiction and many other problems. Of course, no one ever tells the bad on themselves unless forced to.


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## Markansas (Nov 24, 2021)

Weedygarden said:


> If you hear from her again, make your response simple, "No." As others have said, who else has she asked? Has she used up all of her friends? She may have an addiction and many other problems. Of course, no one ever tells the bad on themselves unless forced to.


that is a sad thought


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## nchobbyfarm (Apr 10, 2011)

Markansas said:


> that is a sad thought


That was rational thinking.


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## TripleD (Feb 12, 2011)

Friends from 20 plus years ago I mainly see at funerals and weddings. None have ask that much from me... The ones whom have stuck it out with me give more than they ask!!!


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## romysbaskets (Aug 29, 2009)

Markansas said:


> i just skimed all the last replys.. wow. old friend has reached out after 28 years.. in need of help.. if i was a christian what would jesus say.. however i think if her need it to reach out to you because no one in her close circle can help or will help her. it must have too a lot out of her to even ask.. so now how much of a friend are you she will take up space on a couch get food stamps there is doc visits and lawyers to talk to for her getting disabilty from soc sec.
> its a lot to handle even if its not about cost however this is your friend and in the greatest need reach out to you for help.. your call.. i have done it before sometime its good sometime bad.. you never know the good if you do not try. help her.. mark


It's always been in my nature to help anyone in trouble! A friend from 28 years ago without any other person to ask for help ...there is a reason she hasn't anyone else. This in itself is of concern. I have had some close calls doing this type of favor, but so far have no regrets being kind to others. If you have a person stay more then 3 days in your home, most states automatically enforce squatters rights. Now if you don't have experience or knowledge with this I certainly do! It happened to a good friend of mine and she lost a piece of her property as in land! She allowed a neighbor to use it. Then they took it under squatters rights! Now when a person resides in your home for more then 3 days, it becomes civil if they don't want to leave. Squatters rights have caused folks to deal with unwanted company for months and expensive legal battles! I read about a case where it was 5 months. Things started out very nice at first and that lady was supposed to be a care provider for their child. Suddenly she stopped doing her job and wouldn't leave. They had to evict her and it took them 5 months to get her out. I used to let people stay in my home all the time when they were in trouble. I've taken in trouble teens before and battered women. These days things have changed, the legal issues associated with some of my past kindness and helpful nature has made me change what I am able to do. It's been made hard to take in people who need help. For my part, I hired folks in trouble even homeless in my cleaning business but I had personal knowledge of them prior, donated sleeping bags, tents ,other gear and food. I have gifted coats, clothing etc. Where I currently live on the island, we have no homeless but I do help the elderly. She stated she can't afford to help and the lady needing help hasnt the resources to pay her way. That's tough right there. Two people struggling where it was first one and if the lady coming into the situation brings no resources, it's going to be truly harder on them both. No easy decision for sure.


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## Markansas (Nov 24, 2021)

romysbaskets said:


> It's always been in my nature to help anyone in trouble! A friend from 28 years ago without any other person to ask for help ...there is a reason she hasn't anyone else. This in itself is of concern. I have had some close calls doing this type of favor, but so far have no regrets being kind to others. If you have a person stay more then 3 days in your home, most states automatically enforce squatters rights. Now if you don't have experience or knowledge with this I certainly do! It happened to a good friend of mine and she lost a piece of her property as in land! She allowed a neighbor to use it. Then they took it under squatters rights! Now when a person resides in your home for more then 3 days, it becomes civil if they don't want to leave. Squatters rights have caused folks to deal with unwanted company for months and expensive legal battles! I read about a case where it was 5 months. Things started out very nice at first and that lady was supposed to be a care provider for their child. Suddenly she stopped doing her job and wouldn't leave. They had to evict her and it took them 5 months to get her out. I used to let people stay in my home all the time when they were in trouble. I've taken in trouble teens before and battered women. These days things have changed, the legal issues associated with some of my past kindness and helpful nature has made me change what I am able to do. It's been made hard to take in people who need help. For my part, I hired folks in trouble even homeless in my cleaning business but I had personal knowledge of them prior, donated sleeping bags, tents ,other gear and food. I have gifted coats, clothing etc. Where I currently live on the island, we have no homeless but I do help the elderly. She stated she can't afford to help and the lady needing help hasnt the resources to pay her way. That's tough right there. Two people struggling where it was first one and if the lady coming into the situation brings no resources, it's going to be truly harder on them both. No easy decision for sure.


and here is my case personaly i was homeless when i became disabled 
a old friend to me let me in his home and mind you it was not easy for both of us ,, me living under his house rules and him watching me go crazy with lawyers and doctors for two years.. ya get a lawyer.. ya not going to get it the first time without a lawyer. between the states doctors and the lawyers doctors it took months just for that.. i did food bank for food. i work in his yard or on the house.. just to help if i could.. // just to cut the bull sh it out of this story.. 
if you dont help are you really her friend.. i would help it might be painful for you and her for a small moment in time.. for her that help will last her life time.. and who know maybe she can help someone else.. 
come on what would jesus do.. open that door to those who knock


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## Redlands Okie (Nov 28, 2017)

When the OP’s family is already struggling with a variety of issues its pretty insensitive to the family to invite in more problems and a stranger that the family does not know, but would have to deal with. Charity starts at home.


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## Markansas (Nov 24, 2021)

Redlands Okie said:


> When the OP’s family is already struggling with a variety of issues its pretty insensitive to the family to invite in more problems and a stranger that the family does not know, but would have to deal with. Charity starts at home.


..i helped a friend who lived on the streets for three winters. gave him a room and in those three winters he did fine . then one winter i did not see him till a month too late. and he lost most of his fingers from frostbite. and i moved in him back in. . what happened surprised me . it was that after he healed he went and talked to swift trucking and they trained him to drive a truck at no charge. he was under contract for 5 years with them and now is driving independent and now living in alaska .. i now dont have to help him and the state does not have to support him.win win . it did cost me time and money and that i never got back . so here is part of my story 
.. my family grew poor. now latter in life my health went bad blood suger levels in the 300. low oxg. and then i was draging around tanks of oxg. with me.. i lost my job and house. then a friend stepped in to help me . he let me live with him for two years . all that time free. i went and got a lawyer for ssdi and did all the state things required and am now retired. got a house and a car.. god how lucky am i to have friends like that.. i would help that person if he would not want to.. that is in my nature.. Matthew 5:42 
The higher law of _Christ_ treats all men as brothers, and bids us, if it is right to _lend_ as an act of charity, to do so for love, and not for profit.


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## Markansas (Nov 24, 2021)

Markansas said:


> ..i helped a friend who lived on the streets for three winters. gave him a room and in those three winters he did fine . then one winter i did not see him till a month too late. and he lost most of his fingers from frostbite. and i moved in him back in. . what happened surprised me . it was that after he healed he went and talked to swift trucking and they trained him to drive a truck at no charge. he was under contract for 5 years with them and now is driving independent and now living in alaska .. i now dont have to help him and the state does not have to support him.win win . it did cost me time and money and that i never got back . so here is part of my story
> .. my family grew poor. now latter in life my health went bad blood suger levels in the 300. low oxg. and then i was draging around tanks of oxg. with me.. i lost my job and house. then a friend stepped in to help me . he let me live with him for two years . all that time free. i went and got a lawyer for ssdi and did all the state things required and am now retired. got a house and a car.. god how lucky am i to have friends like that.. i would help that person if he would not want to.. that is in my nature.. Matthew 5:42
> The higher law of _Christ_ treats all men as brothers, and bids us, if it is right to _lend_ as an act of charity, to do so for love, and not for profit.


sorry one last item .. what worked for me may not work out for others. this would be a very hard call..


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## Markansas (Nov 24, 2021)

Redlands Okie said:


> When the OP’s family is already struggling with a variety of issues its pretty insensitive to the family to invite in more problems and a stranger that the family does not know, but would have to deal with. Charity starts at home.


ok . i think i understand now.. a bit slow in the head. he was not asking for advise he was just venting and this is a safe place to do so.. i feel sorry that he was put in a hard spot and can not be able to help.. it must be hard.. i hope all works out well tho.. and how did i know the op was having problems when i just joined a few days ago.. a heads up would be nice .. .. i will try to play nice here. i would like to feel welcome .. some have made that hard..


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

You don't always have to have a lawyer to get disability. You just have to be really messed up. But even then, it can take years before some pencil pusher looks at your file and assigns it to a judge.

My neighbor took in some family when they were in the process of getting disability. When the family moved out, they took most of his stuff. 

In this case, if the op could have helped she would have. But when a person doesn't contact you for several years, and then only because they want something, it's hard to consider them a real friend.


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## mzgarden (Mar 16, 2012)

Markansas said:


> .. and how did i know the op was having problems when i just joined a few days ago.. a heads up would be nice .. .. i will try to play nice here. i would like to feel welcome .. some have made that hard..


Something to consider - before you use guilt-inducing language because someone isn't acting Christ-like enough, you may want to consider whether you know enough about that person and their situation. There is no heads-up in a forum. People's history is not captured in a profile you can read. When you're new, it's hard but there is learning, reading between the lines, growing in understanding. If you're new, it's possible you need to step back and get to know folks more deeply, read old posts, etc. In any group, there are dynamics, history and previous connections you weren't a part of. 

Post 50: it must have too a lot out of her to even ask.. so now how much of a friend are you she will take up space on a couch get food stamps there is doc visits and lawyers to talk to for her getting disabilty from soc sec. 
Post 56: if you dont help are you really her friend. .... come on what would jesus do.. open that door to those who knock 
Post 58: The higher law of _Christ_ treats all men as brothers, and bids us, if it is right to _lend_ as an act of charity, to do so for love, and not for profit.


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## Markansas (Nov 24, 2021)

mzgarden said:


> Something to consider - before you use guilt-inducing language because someone isn't acting Christ-like enough, you may want to consider whether you know enough about that person and their situation. There is no heads-up in a forum. People's history is not captured in a profile you can read. When you're new, it's hard but there is learning, reading between the lines, growing in understanding. If you're new, it's possible you need to step back and get to know folks more deeply, read old posts, etc. In any group, there are dynamics, history and previous connections you weren't a part of.
> 
> Post 50: it must have too a lot out of her to even ask.. so now how much of a friend are you she will take up space on a couch get food stamps there is doc visits and lawyers to talk to for her getting disabilty from soc sec.
> Post 56: if you dont help are you really her friend. .... come on what would jesus do.. open that door to those who knock
> Post 58: The higher law of _Christ_ treats all men as brothers, and bids us, if it is right to _lend_ as an act of charity, to do so for love, and not for profit.


you might be right. then do you know me?


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## mzgarden (Mar 16, 2012)

Markansas said:


> you might be right. then do you know me?


I do not. I'm reading your posts. I'm trying to learn about you, your approach, your perspective. Which is exactly why I used more tentative language -- something to consider, you may want to, it's possible, instead of insistent directive language -- you need to, you should, you're wrong, etc. I offered something for your consideration because I do not know you well enough to stick a pointy stick in your eye right off the bat. . You're under no requirement to make any changes and how you respond will help everyone understand more about you.


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## Markansas (Nov 24, 2021)

mzgarden said:


> I do not. I'm reading your posts. I'm trying to learn about you, your approach, your perspective. Which is exactly why I used more tentative language -- something to consider, you may want to, it's possible, instead of insistent directive language -- you need to, you should, you're wrong, etc. I offered something for your consideration because I do not know you well enough to stick a pointy stick in your eye right off the bat. . You're under no requirement to make any changes and how you respond will help everyone understand more about you.


i am learning and some time will step on toes.. dont mean to tho.. unless some one it a bit brutal with me. i do try to understand hardship. for most people here i think have seen it.. some where in the back post. i did say sorry to them and also gave the reason i would. and part of that if my friend did not go out of the way and help me . i would not be here. i would be in a shelter. so it touched a personal nerve being homeless and disabled before i got help .. so ya i would help and take the risk.. that was just my thought and yet it i can not make that decision for him . no one can.


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

Some people are willing to accept a hand helping them up. Others demand support and are not willing to get back on their feet. The op does not know if this blast from the past needs or demands the hand to help them up. Most people would be reluctant to assist a person they have not heard from for nearly 30 years. Time changes people and the op has no idea if this is the person they used to know. Besides, a person can give only so much of themselves. The op has stated she is already at her limit. Should she kick one of her current issues to the curb so she can help a stranger? 

Actually, you can think whatever you want about the op. I have been around a bit longer than you and know she is not the kind of person you think she is. Your opinion does not affect what I see in her.


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