# After 29 years, what do I do now?



## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

It seems my marriage of 29 years may be close to the end. I am willing to work through whatever is between us, but he is not. If not, I can't make him.

So, I am looking for direction in what I may need to plan for in the coming months. My name is on the farm (all but 5 acres - long story). The farm has been in his family for several generations. It is very important to him that it stays in the family. He wants it to go to our kids. 

I don't want to take that away from them either. He has told the kids he would take my name off and put theirs on it. I don't think he can do that. I really think the only reason he hasn't kicked me out at this point is because he is afraid of what he will lose. I refuse to go until he forces me out. I don't mean to be vindictive, but I think I should be entitled to something here if we split.

I've been told to NOT be the one to leave., that it's easier for me to loose what I've invested if I do. I'm not sure if it's time to be getting legal advice or not. Probably is, I just don't want to admit it.

I realize no one here can really offer the answers I need. I was just hoping someone who has been in the same predicament could offer me some insight and direction.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

No, he cannot take your name off of the deed. Yes, you are entitled to a share of the community assets and/or alimony, depending on the laws in your state.

As for what you do, you INSTANTLY cntact a lawyer, who actually knows what the laws in your state ARE! Only THEN will you know what needs to be done and what is going to happen!

I am so very sorry. :grouphug:


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## Sonshine (Jul 27, 2007)

I would at least consult with an attorney. Divorce is never easy and when kids are involved it's even harder. You're in my prayers.


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

Do not leave the family home. Contact a lawyer right away. Separate whatever money you have from him immediately. What are your children doing to help you?


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. My kids are grown (will be 27 and 25 this summer) and out of the house. DS wants me to stay with him if this falls apart. I may have to take him up on that for a while. I can't really afford to move out on my own right away.

I guess I was just wondering if it was time to consult a lawyer. He says he's just not sure he can care anymore. I don't see much chance for improvement in his outlook. I have the choice to sit and wait it out, but that's not brought us any closer in the last couple of months already. He says I'm doing things that are not helping the situation, but I'm not sure what those things are. He's not willing to explain.

I guess I'm wrestling with wondering if going to a lawyer is just one more thing that is not "helping", that will push him away even farther. Currently he's so far out there, I'm not sure he can find his way back. While I won't take the total blame for it, I don't want to fuel the fire, either.

What to do...???


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## wanda1950 (Jan 18, 2009)

Yes, you need a lawyer. Praying for you--I know it is heartbreaking especially after so many yrs.


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## Sonshine (Jul 27, 2007)

Have you considered counseling?


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

emdeengee said:


> Do not leave the family home. Contact a lawyer right away. Separate whatever money you have from him immediately. What are your children doing to help you?


DS has offered to let me move in with him. DD, while staying out of it, which is fine by me, has stated what she will activities she is involved with he dad in she will remover herself from. both said if he tried to cut me out of home/farm by putting it in their name, that HE would be the one without a place to live.

Unfortuneately, they have already started picking sides...


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

Doesn't seem right that he is discussing details with the kids at this point.

If you have been married that long 1/2 of everything is yours in most states.

Example ...If the farm is worth 200 thousand then either its sold and money is split or total assets are split . If you have 200 K savings and the 200 land then you could get the savings and him the land..

If the land is the only large asset it may have to be sold .

In our state the name on the deed doesn't matter as much as who came into the marriage with what..even then only the worth when you married is considered.

I have been thru a big split so pm me if you want to..


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## sisterpine (May 9, 2004)

It seems your children are already adults which is good as they can see what is happening more clearly. I know that when my long time marriage broke up a couple of years ago I could not make a good decision to save my soul. Due to my "shock and awe" I lost out on a bunch of stuff that should have been mine and a part of his retirement that I was due. I advise this, move slowly, don't move out (if he is unhappy he can go stay with son). Try to get your money seperated as soon as possible and work on getting each others names off of accounts autos, credit cards etc. Don't panic and don't run away!


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Sonshine said:


> Have you considered counseling?


I would consider counseling. A doctor had my son take a personality typing test, which we found very eye-opening, and since I have been looking into my "personality" to find out why I react and do things I do. It's been very insightful. Son asked his dad to take the test. He didn't refuse son, but hasn't taken it, telling me he didn't need a test to prove he's p*ss*d off! He's not very open to sharing with anyone, and less open to someone who might criticize or find flaws in him. I'm pretty sure he would refuse, even if I'd suggested it before things got this bad.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

The purpose of a lawyer is not to make a showdown, but to tell you where you stand and how to protect yourself. At this point, it is mostly for information.

By the way, you will need some eating money in an account that does not have his name on it. Just in case you guys have a fight and he walks out and uses the entire bank account to pay for first and last months rent on a place. It happened, more or less, to a neighbor. She got help from the food pantry.

Then there is the electric bill, and????? Get an account that his name is not on.

Also, if he will not see a counselor, you might. A counselor can teach you to encourage him to talk. He is being BEYOND vague!!!!!


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

I was in a similar thing where I wasn't inititaing it and afraid to go get legal advice..but I did and I am so glad I did..It was empowering 

Most attorneys will give a free consult..


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

My first question as an outside observer is this - is he on any new medications that would or could be linked to his current state of mind? Are there any health conditions, diagnosed or suspected, that could warrant his behaviors? He's says he's "not sure" and isn't "willing to explain". That indicates to me that you need to get very investigative with his physician and medical records. You never know, he may have the beginning symptoms of a mental condition, even a sexual dysfunctional problem.


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## coup (Feb 28, 2007)

i am all for doing whatever it takes to keep a marriage together.....counseling,would be the thing if he would agree...

lawyers here want $5000, to start........

i have seen some that came to agreement before getting papers....in most of those cases it seemed like the woman was getting shorted......
have you or him seen the religous movie about this very thing....can't think of the name............hope for the best,prepare for the worst...

if you don't have any income of your own,,,,you might should think of getting a job and saving money for a lawyer..............


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

sisterpine said:


> Try to get your money seperated as soon as possible and work on getting each others names off of accounts autos, credit cards etc. Don't panic and don't run away!


This really needs to be with a lawyers direction..

There is a right & wrong way to proceed on everything...


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

soulsurvivor said:


> My first question as an outside observer is this - is he on any new medications that would or could be linked to his current state of mind? Are there any health conditions, diagnosed or suspected, that could warrant his behaviors? He's says he's "not sure" and isn't "willing to explain". That indicates to me that you need to get very investigative with his physician and medical records. You never know, he may have the beginning symptoms of a mental condition, even a sexual dysfunctional problem.


My guess is that everything he is doing & saying, not saying points
towards an affair..Including blaming you..
Is this possible ??


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

nancy237 said:


> My guess is that everything he is doing & saying, not saying points
> towards an affair..Including blaming you..
> Is this possible ??


I did ask him. He got very angry. Told me nothing had changed. I pointed out the changes that lead me to question. He wasn't sure he could get past my accusing him. I pointed out that years ago he accused me of having an affair with my boss. I got past that...


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## campfiregirl (Mar 1, 2011)

Terri is right; calling a lawyer isn't to start an offense, it is to prepare for a defense. You can unknowingly do some damage in the meantime. Also, even though your children are grown, please keep them out of it as much as possible, especially since your husband isn't willing to open up, since you even don't know what is going on and why. They may take sides for reasons that really don't exist and everyone will regret it later. BTW, he will do what ever he can to pull on your heartstrings (like talking about the family farm history), and do not be naive about the manipulation. Your lawyer, friends and family will tell you to stick up for yourself, and you NEED to listen because they are not as emotionally wrapped up as you are.

Keep praying.


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## campfiregirl (Mar 1, 2011)

lickcreek said:


> I did ask him. He got very angry. Told me nothing had changed. I pointed out the changes that lead me to question. He wasn't sure he could get past my accusing him. I pointed out that years ago he accused me of having an affair with my boss. I got past that...


My ex once told me that he always saw spouses in the military accusing each other of having affairs, and the one doing the accusing was always the one who was actually having an affair... since they were doing it, they assumed their spouse was as well. Well guess what happened to us? He found a feminine hygene item that looks like a diaphram in my purse and accused me. We'd already started having problems, and he would not go to counseling, so I knew right away what was up, and sure enough... I hope things turn out better for you.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

soulsurvivor said:


> My first question as an outside observer is this - is he on any new medications that would or could be linked to his current state of mind? Are there any health conditions, diagnosed or suspected, that could warrant his behaviors? He's says he's "not sure" and isn't "willing to explain". That indicates to me that you need to get very investigative with his physician and medical records. You never know, he may have the beginning symptoms of a mental condition, even a sexual dysfunctional problem.


There is a lot going on in his life, and that is why I was trying to ride the waves. No new medication. He's on blood pressure meds, but only goes to doctor when he needs refills. Pretty sure he hasn't been back since.

But, his mother passed away in February, he didn't have the greatest relationship with her, although I think he always hoped she would accept him, and now she never will. She died of ALS, which is hereditary (his mother, grandmother, uncle and cousin have all died from it) and I know that bothers him. He is getting close to the age his dad was when he passed away. He wants grandkids and someone to pass things too, and our kids aren't there yet. He keeps prodding them. 

I know that it isn't all me that is ruining his life, but I'm the one he's lashing out at the most (the closest is the easiest, right?) He deals with things by letting them build up, and lashing out, not always directly at what is making him angry, so it's hard to fix what's broken. Mine was to curl up on the couch and do nothing, fighting depression, which he got "tired of watching". He had expectations of me that I haven't met, and proclaimed a deadline in his head that I wasn't aware of. 

None of which he is willing to talk about, because "I knew he wasn't good at talking when I married him".


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

lickcreek said:


> I did ask him. He got very angry. Told me nothing had changed. I pointed out the changes that lead me to question. He wasn't sure he could get past my accusing him. I pointed out that years ago he accused me of having an affair with my boss. I got past that...


Mine acted the same way..offended at being asked..all the time he was 
cheating..


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

Please see a lawyer. They usually allow an initial consultation. When we were looking for a lawyer (different reason) we spoke to a lawyer. Basically the lawyer was interviewing us and we were interviewing him. After we decided which lawyer we would use, we had to give him a $5000 retainer. After that he would take payments. Even if you have to borrow money from family, please, please see a lawyer. It's not about starting a fight; it's about protecting yourself.

I would suggest that you see a counselor. Even if your husband refuses, it could really help you get through this, no matter what the end result.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

There is a lawyer we used when our son had some legal problems, and for our daughter's divorce. DH and I have never used a lawyer for ourselves. I thought I might call him for a consult, but cannot afford a $5000 retainer (if in fact he requires one!
I only have a part time job right now.

I would consider a councelor for myself, too, if I thought I could afford it. I am currently of the mindset that I can't change him, how he thinks, or what he does from here on out. I can only be responsible for how I act, or react, and what I do to improve myself from here on out. And I can't let his negativity affect me any longer. 

I find it sad, since I married for better or worse, til death do us part. He claimed that at first, but somewhere along the lines, the rules changed.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I'm so sorry. I don't know that I have anything intelligent to say about the situation.
I will pray!!


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## RonM (Jan 6, 2008)

Sounds like possibly a 3rd party here, get a lawyer, pronto.


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

Yes, it's time for lawyer - and I would suggest a GOOD divorce lawyer. Most lawyer's don't charge for the first consultation - but you need to go in and tell the lawyer what is going on and how to protect yourself.

After 29 years of marriage, you are certainly correct that you are due for financial compensation. Depending on how he received the family property - you should be due half of ALL the assets. Half of the property value, half of all your bank accounts, half of his pension, IRA, 401(k), etc.

Perhaps he is hoping if he treats you rotten enough, you will just walk away. And just so you know, he can NOT do anything with the property to get your name off of it without you signing. Since he wants the property to go to the kids, about the only way I would agree to it is if you are compensated for half of the value, and as soon as your name comes off both of the kids is put on - all in one fell swoop. I'm telling you this, because I don't know how many times I have seen men, either widowed or divorced who had property for the kids - end up getting involved with a new woman. If the new woman comes on board - this will mess up the kids receiving the property. Even with wills drawn up - sometimes they "disappear" or the new wife suddenly comes up with a new will - 2 months before he died, he wanted had a new one "written" and wanted things "changed".

Check around with divorced women in your area for a GOOD divorce lawyer and then make an appointment to make sure you know what to do to make sure you are protected. At least your husband will see that you aren't just going to walk away, and if he isn't willing to work at the marriage, he will be paying for it's separation.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

You can call the Women's Shelter for referals and help. They can point you in the right direction. And it's a free call. They can even tell you which lawyers will give a first consult for free, and where you could find income based counseling.


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## Big Dave (Feb 5, 2006)

This is an out look from some one whodeals daily in these situations. ME. The first one who files is the one who usually has the upper hand. Just my .02


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Big Dave - I have been told this too! And I guess since, deep down, I don't want it to end that way, I am dragging my feet. But have had the thought that I should prepare myself for the worst. 

We don't have a local women's shelter, but I will try to track down the one in the next county to see if they have any recommendations.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

Get an appt with a lawyer, do not let your husband bully you-you have done nothing wrong. Too bad for him if you can't meet some unknown game plan in his head. You are worth every penny you can get too bad if he wants to keep the farm in th efamily....you have 29 years of marriage to be compensated for. He needs to pay, too mnay guys think they can bully us around because we do tend to let them but when it comes to divorce women are underpaid in the work force so YOU deserve alimony. If you stayed home with th ekids you deserve to be PAID for alll thos eyears! Set up a bank account and take some money out of th ejoint accounts and put it in th eother account. Tell him to get OUT of YOUR bed, sleep whereever he wants but its your bed. Treat him like a roommate and do not move out. You are the one who needs to stick up for yourself..dont make it easy for him.....


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

lickcreek said:


> There is a lawyer we used when our son had some legal problems, and for our daughter's divorce. DH and I have never used a lawyer for ourselves. I thought I might call him for a consult, but cannot afford a $5000 retainer (if in fact he requires one!
> I only have a part time job right now.
> 
> I would consider a councelor for myself, too, if I thought I could afford it. I am currently of the mindset that I can't change him, how he thinks, or what he does from here on out. I can only be responsible for how I act, or react, and what I do to improve myself from here on out. And I can't let his negativity affect me any longer.
> ...


I don't see the need to rush anything here, unless there's a potential threat of physical harm, and you haven't mentioned that. I'd go on and consult with a financial counselor to secure my share from being drained from the accounts. This could be free advice from a financial counselor in your bank. Make certain you keep up with account activities, especially if you suspect he's having an affair. 

Since he seems to be the one that's so unhappy and has initiated whatever this is, then I'd keep a wait and see attitude. You might get lucky like I did and have his girlfriend get tired of waiting on you to do something and come see you to "talk" about it. LOL. That was a most special conversation, let me tell you. And I really almost enjoyed doing something about it following that little tete-a-tete.


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## Immaculate Sublimity (Apr 30, 2003)

It sounds to me like your husband is suffering from depression. Likely he wont admit it. If you've been there, perhaps you can understand.


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## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

nancy237 said:


> .offended at being asked..all the time he was
> cheating..


don't count on this tho either. I had several good reasons to question my DH a few months back and rooted out that he was not, but me neither, never have, never will. 

my husband is horribly vague as well and its terrible to try to work things out--he just points out how awful I am at this or that, and that I'm 'so negative' but the whole time I'm trying to figure a way to work on things??! 

so I really feel your frustration at this stuff, I live it. 

also, when FIL walked out on MIL, she wound up with a very nice package because they'd been married past that 30 year mark. maybe that's something different in each state, just another question to ask your lawyer. now. ask a lawyer. I fully agree with those who are telling you to do this, not to fuel the fire, but to find out your rights, etc. cover your heiny at this point. 

and I am SO very sorry. I know how awful this can make you feel, and I am sorry you are going thru it. do YOU want it to work or are you throwing in the towel? I can see why you would, after a while, it just feels like too much to be holding on to both ends of the rope.



soulsurvivor said:


> his girlfriend get tired of waiting on you to do something and come see you to "talk" about it. LOL. That was a most special conversation, let me tell you. And I really almost enjoyed doing something about it following that little tete-a-tete.


 you have GOT to be kidding??! that is unreal!! argh!!!


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I don't know if the cost of a lawyer is 'regional' but around my little po-dunk parts the CHEAPEST was $1,000.00 UP FRONT, then 200.00 an hour. MOST of them were between 2500-3K UP FRONT and 200.00 an hour.

I went to the county court website and for 160.00 I can fill in their 'simple divorce' papers blanks, both sign and then wait the 90 days.

Divorce is NOT cheap. And it gets more and more and more expensive the more stuff there is and the more it's contested.

This sucks so much. I am so so sorry.


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## Dusky Beauty (Jan 4, 2012)

I'm going to take a different tack on this....
While I don't disagree with those who suggest consulting a lawyer to prepare for divorce, I will offer a different perspective, because as you stated you would prefer to stay married--well, this is your best shot at doing it. 

I think he's having a life crisis related to his mother's death. 
As you touched on, he's reeling from the finality of it all, and it's brought an exclamation point on his own mortality. 
He's running scared and being stupid. Maybe he's having an affair, maybe he's not. 

But I think your best tactic to bring him back around is to work on setting aside your fear and bitterness, and just create a home environment of safety, love and unconditional acceptance. 

This will be darn near impossible for a woman to do, esp. since it sounds like he's been putting you through the emotional ringer all these years. 
But if you really do want to fight for your marriage, that is the only thing that has a chance of working. 
When my marriage was in trouble, he purposely pushed me away out of his own guilt. 

So, fight fire with water.

If this is the path you want to take, 
Inform him you will not be leaving, and that you can tell he is hurting and you won't abandon him, no matter what-and stick to it. 
If you have bitterness, or like to argue about chores, or money, you have to let it go. If you are "a scorekeeper" stop.
Make sure the house is clean and inviting, and there's something good to eat for dinner. If he is going to stay out to avoid you, make his plate and leave it in the oven or microwave. If he refuses to eat it and you throw away the meal for a couple days keep it up. 
Do your "perfect wife" part and let him come to you when he's ready. And when he asks for a divorce, politely say: "No." 

This isn't about being a doormat, this is about being strong in the face of adversity.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

It's been my experience that, once someone says the word "divorce", they mean it, and even if they don't, they probably should, because if they're willing to use that word to manipulate, get their way, or otherwise "shock and awe", then the relationship isn't as important to them as it ought to be, anyhow. YMMV.

Lawyer up. ASAP. Getting a lawyer to protect your interests, legally, doesn't mean you're getting the divorce, it means that you have decided to get a pro to protect your interests, whether this is DH's midlife crisis, affair, brain-fart or otherwise.

Again, if your spouse tells you it's time to call it quits, it's generally a good idea to believe them.


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## belladulcinea (Jun 21, 2006)

I would seek counseling for myself, the only person you can change is yourself so this would be the first step. Two books, yes books that will help are Divorce Busting and Love Must be Tough. Excellent books on changing the way you look at things and react to them. 

I would seek a full time job for the money and the self esteem it will bring. 

Don't leave your home. If he's that unhappy let him do it.

When he talks about being unhappy, let him, don't beg or plead or try to make him happy, he's responsible for his happiness. You can contribute to it, but you can't MAKE him happy. 

Go on with your life. Do things with friends, join a club, start school, but change direction in your life. Stay present and don't become so emotional you can't think. These types of things can cause brain fog. 

Lastly, I would seek a consultation just for informational purpose, but not the one you used together. Find your own lawyer. 

Prayers that you can work this out, but it's always good to have a backup plan when your spouse starts talking about leaving.


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## Dusky Beauty (Jan 4, 2012)

belladulcinea said:


> I would seek counseling for myself, the only person you can change is yourself so this would be the first step. Two books, yes books that will help are Divorce Busting and Love Must be Tough. Excellent books on changing the way you look at things and react to them.
> 
> I would seek a full time job for the money and the self esteem it will bring.
> 
> ...



As long as your back up plan is for emergency use only. 

I'll confess I became so depressed when my husband said he was planning on moving in with another woman to be a father for HER children that I just gave up and my "backup" became the only thing I felt like I could go through the motions for. 
If I was older, wiser and stronger I would have fought harder... and won faster. 

Coulda been done in weeks instead of months. :smack


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

lickcreek said:


> Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. My kids are grown (will be 27 and 25 this summer) and out of the house. DS wants me to stay with him if this falls apart. I may have to take him up on that for a while. I can't really afford to move out on my own right away.
> 
> I guess I was just wondering if it was time to consult a lawyer. He says he's just not sure he can care anymore. I don't see much chance for improvement in his outlook. I have the choice to sit and wait it out, but that's not brought us any closer in the last couple of months already. He says I'm doing things that are not helping the situation, but I'm not sure what those things are. He's not willing to explain.
> 
> ...



....................The reason you need an attorney is too prevent DH from removing funds that belong to both of you'll , there needs to be a continuous monitoring of all liquid assets for both sides ! In addition , if you consent to move out , he needs too purchase your Half of the community property so he can maintain 100% ownership. Only time will tell as too whether or not he transfers his total interest too your kids . 
.....................It is just as possible that some else on his side of the family wants your half like a brother or sister . , fordy


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## goatlady (May 31, 2002)

It's true - "he" who files first wins and the loser pays for BOTH attorneys usually! The "family farm" does NOT have to be sold, he just would have to have it appraised and pay you 1/2 the appraised value - he can get a loan at the bank if necessary to do this. You really need an attorney to tell you the in's and out's of protecting YOUR portion of the shared assets. Your children ARE adults, they can most certainly chose their sides and it IS their choices. He may be talking to them about your personal situation, does not mean you do the same, take the "higher" road and handle the situation with the appropriate help as necessary.


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## farmmom (Jan 4, 2009)

I agree with getting a lawyer, or at least consulting one.

Keep copies of all bank statements, credit card bills, and other financial statements. Keep these in a safe place where he can't get to them. This will help document any move on his part to use up or hide finances. This may help you in the long run.

Also, keep a journal. Document rages, threats, rough physical contact (pics if marks are left). 

Document any investment you may have made in the property, if possible.

Keep all of these where he can't find them, but where you can get to them in a hurry.


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

I agree with Terri. You need to get a GOOD divorce lawyer - one that will be firmly in your corner. Not all are. Some are happy to just go with the flow and make nice with the other spouse's lawyer. That type would be a waste of money if they were working for free. And they won't be.

If you end up with a divorce - you will be in better shape to deal with everything if you already have the road map. If you don't - it gives him the heads up that you will not just leave him be and take whatever crumbs he wants to toss you. Sometimes that will make more sense to him than all the pleading you could offer.

If you want to save the marriage - and if he isn't totally opposed to it - then counseling for either you or both of you may help. He needs to know that you really want to do this. At least you should have a good heart to heart talk about it. That doesn't mean forgo the lawyer, though. If he is the one that brought it up, then saving the marriage may be Plan B. 

Be sure to have records of all assets - bank statements, savings account statements, stock portfolios, 401K statements, etc., etc. Take a security box at a different bank from where the family account is and deposit them there. Have the farm, home and any implements evaluated. These are also assets. Have it done by a professional. You need a copy of that evaluation in your security box, too. Personally, I wouldn't make any excuses about this stuff, and wouldn't hide what I was doing. But you know him best, so if he is likely to be angry and/or aggressive about it then do it on the QT. But do it. It is not unknown for assets to go missing when divorce is on the horizon.

I see that you work outside the home. If I were you - I would open up a bank account in my own name and have my salary deposited there. Just in case. At the same bank as the security box.

It is always sad when a marriage ends. Particularly after a long time. I can appreciate that there is a certain "I can't believe this is happening to me" but you have to shake yourself out of any complacency and look out for yourself. If you don't - then no-one else will. 

Mary


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

I would recommend counselling first, if that doesn't work, get a good lawyer - divorce is not the time to cheap out on an attorney - your future depends on you hiring the best. You don't need Perry Mason, but don't get 'lawyers-to-go'


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

Amongst people I know, some long term marriages broke up because the wife came out of the closet.
Amongst families of patients, some broke up at what might be considered mid stage dementia- the spouse was suspicious, paranoid and totally inappropriate sexually. Many lost jobs at that point. But dementia was the last thing occuring to the family.
If it's dementia, you can NOT reason with someone.
Pesticides exposure can cause brain dysfunction. You mentioned a farm. If you have any idea at all what chemicals your husband may've been exposed to, google them. If he is suffering brain dysfunction, you may need to proceed to a competency hearing.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

nancy237 said:


> My guess is that everything he is doing & saying, not saying points
> towards an affair..Including blaming you..
> Is this possible ??


Yep, this stuff just blinks like a neon sign.

And if you can't afford a counselor, talk to your pastor or a friend's pastor.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

Dusky Beauty said:


> So, fight fire with water.
> 
> If this is the path you want to take,
> Inform him you will not be leaving, and that you can tell he is hurting and you won't abandon him, no matter what-and stick to it.
> ...


Wise words. 

Sometimes you just have to remind him that you gave your word before God and your families and friends that this was _forever._
None of this means you can't talk to a lawyer to keep your bearing, though, but the first thing the lawyer should be told is that you're not going to give up on your marriage (which they've heard 1000 times, btw).


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

lickcreek said:


> What to do...???


You need to protect yourself. If you getting a lawyer will push him away further, so be it. If he doesn't want to talk to you, there is not much left you can do but make sure you are taken care of.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Here is how it works. 
On advice of friends you get an attorney. He fills your head with stuff, and you file. He gets an attorney who fills his head with stuff, and he responds. Your relationship quickly deteriorates to the point of madness. Y'all both take hard lines (on advice from attorneys) and the real fun begins. In the end your attorneys split a huge windfall after having several laughter filled lunches together ( paid for by you two), and y'all hate each other. You fight over everything, hurt your kids and loose most of their birthright. 
Get together, with lots of prayer, and work it out, or add to the madness and pay a couple attorney's a few boat payments.


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## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

It happened to me too. One suggestion. Since you are a farm person, you probably are familiar with Dr. Val Farmer's columns. I believe he has retired, but he has a website valfarmer.com. He has some resources on this type of issue.

Best wishes to you. Stand firm.


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

vicker said:


> Here is how it works.
> On advice of friends you get an attorney. He fills your head with stuff, and you file. He gets an attorney who fills his head with stuff, and he responds. Your relationship quickly deteriorates to the point of madness. Y'all both take hard lines (on advice from attorneys) and the real fun begins. In the end your attorneys split a huge windfall after having several laughter filled lunches together ( paid for by you two), and y'all hate each other. You fight over everything, hurt your kids and loose most of their birthright.
> Get together, with lots of prayer, and work it out, or add to the madness and pay a couple attorney's a few boat payments.


or...he keeps talking about divorce..you get an attorney to be prepared...he either changes his mind or follows thru..you are prepared if he leaves..

Been there..done that..


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

One huge piece of advice..

Instead of thinking that he needs to pay you or that you deserve at least something...

You were a team and 1/2 of everything is yours and 1/2 is his..
If he leaves he takes his and you take yours..


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

A good lawyer will tell you he doesn't do divorces.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Dusky Beauty said:


> I'm going to take a different tack on this....
> While I don't disagree with those who suggest consulting a lawyer to prepare for divorce, I will offer a different perspective, because as you stated you would prefer to stay married--*well, this is your best shot at doing it.
> *
> I think he's having a life crisis related to his mother's death.
> ...


THIS (all in bold) has been my mainstay for the last 8 months........
I did say NO to the divorce. I did not leave.
I prayed, prayed, and prayed some more.
Then.......I prayed some more.
I am asking the Lord to show you HIS Ways, and His Path.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

vicker said:


> A good lawyer will tell you he doesn't do divorces.


I agree... we have three lawyers in our town.. two of them wont do a divorce... the other one of course was the one who handled my ex and I's divorce. The ex paid her a couple hundred bucks to file the paperwork, we worked out our own settlement. 

"IF", and thats a big if, there is an affair going on... then it has nothing to do with the divorce... the marriage is over long before another person ever gets involved. I will pretty much guarantee one thing... whether an affair is going on or not.... accusations of such will produce the same result.... intense anger... and quite possibly create an affair where none existed. The male ego is an interesting thing that way. Pretty sure female vanity is very similar. 

now... on to the cheerful side of things.... You say youve been married for 29 years... its quite possible that the spontaneity in your lifes has died down a bit, the kids are grown, he is more concerned with what is going to become of his lifes work than making you grin and giggle. Priorities do change over time. Be honest with yourself here.... (no need to answer me, just yourself) how much have you changed in the last 29 years? All things considered you may very well be able to put this back together, if you can both just be dead straight with each other. 

Hope it all works out for ya, and if it doesnt.. do yerself and yer kids and yes.... even him a huge favor... be civil, and be fair as you go your separate ways. You will thank yourself later and so will all those concerned. Well, cept the lawyers, they will feel cheated.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Well said.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

vicker said:


> A good lawyer will tell you he doesn't do divorces.


I agree, too. My dad retired from full law practice a mere 6 months ago. 
He quit doing _divorces_, though, about 25 years ago; when he was established enough he could be picky about his work. 

He always said divorces bring out an ugliness in people that he simply doesn't want to see.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

Sorry your going through this but I didnt see in your OP that your husband is talking divorce, just that he was cold and distant and thinking to putting the kids on the deed. Seeking legal advice is imperative and please realize that a lot of the well meaning advice you are receiving here is from people who had bitter experiences which clouds their perception and much of the so called "you get half and he gets half and he has to sell the farm or pay you half" advice is legally not factual at all.

Iowa is not a community property state and in most states inheritances belong to the recipient and arent considered joint assets. You may have a claim to value however due to the length you have been married, improvements you jointly made etc but that really really takes serious legal help to determine. In other words, both you and your husband may be operating with some false assumptions over what will happen in a divorce.

Dont get legal advice from a web forum...go to a lawyer in your area who specializes in divorce if you just cant work it out. In the mean time, here is a link to some simple explanations of Iowa divorce law .....but these are just crib notes....see a lawyer. Iowa Divorce Laws - Iowa State Divorce Laws


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

You do need legal advice, just don't let it turn into a war of stupidity. If y'all decide to fight, you could both easily spend $15000+ on lawyers. Work it out.


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I went to the county court website and for 160.00 I can fill in their 'simple divorce' papers blanks, both sign and then wait the 90 days.
> 
> Divorce is NOT cheap. And it gets more and more and more expensive the more stuff there is and the more it's contested./QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

Consult a lawyer, ASAP. 

The fact that it's his family property, but the deed's in your name, raises a red flag for me. If there was any sort of financial chicanery going on (such as trying to dodge a creditor or avoid paying a settlement by putting the property in your name), be very wary. If (big IF -- I don't know the facts here) he screwed over someone else, he might do the same to you. Be careful!


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

willow_girl, I took it that the deed was in BOTH her and the husband's name. Can you clarify lickcreek? It might also be interesting to hear why 5 acres aren't in your name and how that came about.


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## sunshinytraci (Oct 20, 2007)

Talk to a divorce lawyer. I did just that awhile ago, because I was considering a divorce but I was uncertain, and I wanted to know how things might go in my situation. It was a real eye opener. 

In fact, maybe he should talk to one too. Perhaps a reality check on how things might not go totally the way he thinks they should might be the incentive he needs to try to make things work. 

It sure was my incentive. I think most people don't realize that yes, certain things might be immediately better after divorce, but there will be alot of things that are immediately alot worse, with a loooong recovery, both emotionally and financially. If one is just having itchy feet, is the grass really going to be greener on the other side?


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

sunshinytraci said:


> is the grass really going to be greener on the other side?


Green green grass...lush and beautiful to look at. Soft and subtle on your feet. It feels good, it looks good.....you just want to roll in it.......
Remember, underneath, it took a LOAD OF FERTILIZER to get that grass that green. 
And when you stop applying the fertilizer.......that grass looks like everyone elses grass.......:hammer:

Folks don't stop to look at what's under that green grass. 
They get all wrapped up in 'emotions' and feelings and worked up at what they 'see on the surface'.....and forget what's underneath. 
Then, it's often too late to 'come to your senses' when they find out how shallow the "new" ground is and all the fertilizer is revealed.....
AND what they originally had was good grass, on top of a gold mine. 
If they just would have done the 'work'......they would have found the gold!!


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

Consider life insurance on him ..
All this stress may kill him..
I am serious..


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Michael W. Smith said:


> willow_girl, I took it that the deed was in BOTH her and the husband's name. Can you clarify lickcreek? It might also be interesting to hear why 5 acres aren't in your name and how that came about.


Yes, Michael is correct. Property is in both our names, with the exception of 5 acres, which - long story short - was originally deeded to his father. After he died, his mother gave it to him, putting it only in his name. The other 60 acres he and his father were buying from his grandparents. When father and grandfather died, grandmother went in and put farm in both of our names.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Immaculate Sublimity said:


> It sounds to me like your husband is suffering from depression. Likely he wont admit it. If you've been there, perhaps you can understand.


Yes, this is my take on it. He's just dealing with it MUCH differently than I did. I became catatonic (SP?), he gets angry, dives in to things to keep busy, stay out of the house and avoid dealing with the real problems, until it becomes too much and he can'd deal with anything. We've both been this way for years.


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## claytonpiano (Feb 3, 2005)

DH is a pastor. We have dealt with similar situations for years. Often the wife drags her feet on getting a lawyer. Don't. Find the best one you can.

Seek counseling. Some churches will help you for free. Find a good one and consult with the pastor for referrals. They often have lawyers to recommend as well.

Don't move out. If you do, it will look like you are the guilty party. 

The main thing is that you must get help immediately. When he files for divorce, you will be rushing to find someone to help you and in the emotion of the moment will do something crazy. Be careful. Get help NOW. I can't emphasize that enough. If you think divorce is really coming, try to get a full time job now. You want to be able to make it without going through a lot of pain at the same time you are trying to interview for jobs.

This sounds hard hearted, but is the same scenario I hear over and over. Be careful of what you share with your kids. Remember that they will also share with their dad. 

The main thing is to attempt reconciliation. When you are hurting, often that turns an angry spouse against you even more. Let the counselor guide you to how to deal with your husband. Often, women cannot separate the emotions from reality. Be careful. Find a good counselor and take his advice. 

Blessings to you and i will be praying for you and your husband


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Dusky Beauty said:


> I'm going to take a different tack on this....
> While I don't disagree with those who suggest consulting a lawyer to prepare for divorce, I will offer a different perspective, because as you stated you would prefer to stay married--well, this is your best shot at doing it.
> 
> I think he's having a life crisis related to his mother's death.
> ...


I still think the world of this man, at least the man I know is in there! I've explained that I would do anything I could to help him, and I realize he doesn't want my help. I have cleaned up my act, working on me, losing weight, getting healthier, keeping the house better, etc. I refuse to leave, he will have to ask me. Although I have not told him this outright, he should realize it after the last few months.

He spent a week refusing to allow me to fix his meals, or pick up his lunch for him as I've been doing for years. So I did quit cooking. I do buy limited groceries, and he will fix himself something simple. We use to carpool to work together, he now drives himself. He sleeps on a mattress on the livingroom floor. I get one word answers if I ask him anything, unless he needs something from me, then he can talk long enough to take care of what he needs to do. He will not stay in the same room, or yard practically if we are in the same place (sons house, sister's house, etc). He just up and leaves, drives away, without ever saying where he is going or when he will be back, and if I ask what he's going to do that night, he will only answer "I don't know yet."

He has not brought up the word divorce, no one has. But he keeps barking at me that it's "too late", and "he's made up his mind". He won't elaborate. So this is why I'm thinking he is hoping to hold out long enough that I will leave. 
I don't intend to do that, but I was thinking maybe I should know what I'm doing if he does force the issue.

I do know that Iowa is a no fault state, so politely stating "No" when he asks won't be a deterent if he's serious.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

belladulcinea said:


> I would seek counseling for myself, the only person you can change is yourself so this would be the first step. Two books, yes books that will help are Divorce Busting and Love Must be Tough. Excellent books on changing the way you look at things and react to them.
> 
> I would seek a full time job for the money and the self esteem it will bring.
> 
> ...


This is pretty much where I am at. I have decided my happiness is no longer tied to his misery. I have to do things for me, not him. I can only work on me, not him, and I am taking steps to improve myself. Not to be "in his face", but to improve me so I'm in a better position to help myself and him, i I get the opportunity.

I told him when I got married, it was for better or worse, til death do us part. He said he did too, but didn't expect it to come to this. We've both done wrong, said things and done things to cause the other to be miserable. I thought we were learning from those mistakes, and that now that the kids were out on their own, we could get back to learning how to be "us" again. Instead it seems he's been keeping a scorecard of all the times that things went wrong. He had expectations with deadlines that I was not aware of, and I did not meet them. 

there are always 2 sides to the story, and then there's the truth. I reacted wrongly to things he said or did, and vice versa. We can either work through this, or we can walk away. I'm willing, he's not at this point. If it becomes a point that he never will be, if he's really "done", for my peace of mind, I think I need to be prepared for what comes next.

Again, not "in his face" but indescretely, so as not to add fuel to the fire, but to be ready for what comes next. I have learned I'm a "questioner" and spend too much time worrying about being prepared for the worst, planning too many steps ahead, and picking apart what people say and do to figure out what the "really" meant. I do believe in this situation, I am putting my personality to constructive use, by being prepared for the worst, while hoping for the best!


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

belladulcinea said:


> I would seek counseling for myself, the only person you can change is yourself so this would be the first step. Two books, yes books that will help are Divorce Busting and Love Must be Tough. Excellent books on changing the way you look at things and react to them.
> 
> I would seek a full time job for the money and the self esteem it will bring.
> 
> ...


This is pretty much where I am at. I have decided my happiness is no longer tied to his misery. I have to do things for me, not him. I can only work on me, not him, and I am taking steps to improve myself. Not to be "in his face", but to improve me so I'm in a better position to help myself and him, i I get the opportunity.

I told him when I got married, it was for better or worse, til death do us part. He said he did too, but didn't expect it to come to this. We've both done wrong, said things and done things to cause the other to be miserable. I thought we were learning from those mistakes, and that now that the kids were out on their own, we could get back to learning how to be "us" again. Instead it seems he's been keeping a scorecard of all the times that things went wrong. He had expectations with deadlines that I was not aware of, and I did not meet them. 

there are always 2 sides to the story, and then there's the truth. I reacted wrongly to things he said or did, and vice versa. We can either work through this, or we can walk away. I'm willing, he's not at this point. If it becomes a point that he never will be, if he's really "done", for my peace of mind, I think I need to be prepared for what comes next.

Again, not "in his face" but descretely, so as not to add fuel to the fire, but to be ready for what comes next. I have learned I'm a "questioner" and spend too much time worrying about being prepared for the worst, planning too many steps ahead, and picking apart what people say and do to figure out what the "really" meant. I do believe in this situation, I am putting my personality to constructive use, by being prepared for the worst, while hoping for the best!


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

In his mind, it sounds as if he has already divorced you, and all that is being put off is the paperwork. (and hoping you'll just leave and not take his stuff).

Just from what I get out of this thread.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

I want to thank you all for your support and prayers. I, too,am praying a lot lately. This is much bigger than me.

In the meantime, I feel directed to look into what I need to do to protect myself, what rights I would have. Hopefully it will be useless information, and I won't need to act on it.

Now to figure out how to determine a "good lawyer", since I have no experience with this!


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

AngieM2 said:


> In his mind, it sounds as if he has already divorced you, and all that is being put off is the paperwork. (and hoping you'll just leave and not take his stuff).
> 
> Just from what I get out of this thread.


Yep, my thoughts exactly, at this point.


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## simplegirl (Feb 19, 2006)

Lickcreek~ do you know other friends who have been through a divorce that can give you a recommendation on a divorce lawyer? 

After you gather your information and are ready to handle whatever comes, it will then be time to tell him you will not leave. No matter how hard he tries to make it for you. Unless you get advice from a lawyer to go ahead and leave.

Another thing I would do is write down how he has been acting. Not allowing you to cook, sleeping in the other room, coming and going without telling you when he will be back. The lawyer will need to know how he is acting. 

I know this has to be very hard. Hang in there.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Simplegirl ~ I don't really know anyone who has divorced recently, although I did try to contact a friend last night who'd daughter divorced several years ago, with 5 children!! Couldn't reach her.

I'm reluctant to talk with too many people about this, for fear of word getting back to him. I'm not trying to initiate anything at this point, and don't want it to appear so to him. That would definitely be another one of those things that I am doing that, according to him, "isn't helping".


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

AngieM2 said:


> In his mind, it sounds as if he has already divorced you, and all that is being put off is the paperwork. (and hoping you'll just leave and not take his stuff).
> 
> Just from what I get out of this thread.


Thats an interesting "take" from what has been posted here so far. Its certainly not what I gather is on his mind.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

lickcreek said:


> He had expectations with deadlines that I was not aware of, and I did not meet them.
> 
> I have learned I'm a "questioner" and spend too much time worrying about being prepared for the worst, planning too many steps ahead, and picking apart what people say and do to figure out what the "really" meant.


Pay close attention to his words.... the ones he actually speaks.... not what you think you heard. He has most likely clued you in to most of his expectations long ago. Men on average do not speak "womenese"... we generally speak clearly and distinctly what is on our mind.... no hidden meanings.... no "analysis" required. Just listen closely to what we have to say the first time.... we dont like to repeat ourselves. Makes us irritable... its almost like.... I told you once.... were you not paying attention?


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

lickcreek said:


> That would definitely be another one of those things that I am doing that, according to him, "isn't helping".


Yep, and you have already mentioned several things here that arent helping. At least it sure wouldnt help my Yvonne if she did them.


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## RonM (Jan 6, 2008)

Lickcreek, that 5 acres still comes under community property laws,if you were married when he obtained it......you still own half of it unless you reluinqished it at the deed transfer.....you need an attorney...


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> Yes, Michael is correct. Property is in both our names, with the exception of 5 acres, which - long story short - was originally deeded to his father. After he died, his mother gave it to him, putting it only in his name. The other 60 acres he and his father were buying from his grandparents. When father and grandfather died, grandmother went in and put farm in both of our names.


Sorry, I misunderstood.

What a miserable situation to me in, though. 

It sounds like he wants to be divorced, but still have all his "stuff" ... so he's treating you as sort of a non-person, as if you weren't there already. 

Think I'd give an ultimatum -- either counseling, and a sincere effort to mend things, or it's time to start talking about how to divide up assets. (But talk to a lawyer first, so you know what you're entitled to under the laws of your state.)


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## bluemoonluck (Oct 28, 2008)

Most law firms will give you either a free or a fairly inexpensive initial consult, without asking for a retainer. 

Make a list of your most pressing questions, and get those answered during the consult. Even if they charge you for an hour of that attorney's time, its worth it. 

And there are attorneys out there who will take payments, you just have to ask around. 

Do NOTHING without consulting an attorney!! What you do now will dictate what you are able to get in the divorce, so a wrong step here can result in you losing a great deal that you deserve after 29 years.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

lickcreek said:


> = The other 60 acres he and his father were buying from his grandparents. When father and grandfather died, grandmother went in and put farm in both of our names.


Now this part I can see the need for a lawyer.... I would have questions about title to the farm... period. How did grandmother get title? If hubby and his father were buying the place from them... they would have had a vested interest already... this is assuming of course they had been paying on it for some time. In that event... especially if grampa had a written contract with hubby and dad... grandma may have only signed over her half of the farm via a quit claim deed. I am really hoping that you two can put things together again... but these questions need to be answered by a competent attorney either way.


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## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

If you aren't doing it now, start keeping a log. Write down even the insignificant things. Keep tabs on grain and livestock sales too. Count things. Inventory what you can. Take it from someone who's been there, they can be very sneaky.

Is he into anything else unusual for him, like survival, or doomsday stuff? Or religion? 

I checked Dr. Val Farmer's site last night. He has retired, but, his archives are all open with a membership. It's five dollars and, bless his heart, you sign up and have several weeks to send the five dollars in. You can read everything once you join. I myself joined last night. He writes on a variety of subjects from a rural view, and I think, makes good sense. He had a column in Iowa Farmer Today.

Are you seeing all the mail? Do you know where your firearms are? Are you doing his laundry? Anything new there?

Whatever he's up to, he sounds depressed. Find a good lawyer.


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

Another vote for an attorney asap. You do not need to tell your dh or anyone else that you're seeing an attorney. Just do it. If you don't like the first attorney, try a different one. If I were in your situation, I would have been to an attorney the next day. I've seen too many people get screwed over by not having good legal representation during a divorce. My nephew for one. 

Knowing your rights will help in future conversations with your dh. If he tells you he's going to keep/take/force you to do/ you can give him the facts. Once he's aware of what he's likely to lose in a divorce it might give him incentive to work on the marriage.

I agree with others that once that "divorce" is in the conversation chances are that party is already "out" of the marriage. 

I also agree with counseling. Counseling is to help you deal with whatever. An attorney is to keep you from losing what is rightfully yours. After 29 years that's basically one-half of everything. 

You didn't mention abuse so hopefully that's not an issue. However, if there is any violence of even push/shove variety call the sheriff and file charges. Make sure its on the record. Protect yourself.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Pay close attention to his words.... the ones he actually speaks.... not what you think you heard. He has most likely clued you in to most of his expectations long ago. Men on average do not speak "womenese"... we generally speak clearly and distinctly what is on our mind.... no hidden meanings.... no "analysis" required. Just listen closely to what we have to say the first time.... we dont like to repeat ourselves. Makes us irritable... its almost like.... I told you once.... were you not paying attention?


Yes, I have already admitted my reactions to him were not always spot on. I misunderstood his actions, and took offense to things that he thought he was doing to "help" me, which did not come across as helpful to me at the time. I'm sure as you mentioned in your other post, that there are several things I've done to stir this pot, but at the same time I am trying not to continue stirring, and don't feel that I am the only one holding ta spoon! I do, however, appreciate your input.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

On the lawyer if a divorce happens it will be in the county where you live .Find the best lawyer in the county like the one that loses playing golf with the judge . If there aren't many lawyers in the county visit the best ones for consultation this blocks him for using them eep:

And if Granny hadn't wanted both of you all to had the farm she wouldn't put your name on it in the first place .:hammer: Big thing don't sign anything till your lawyer sees it .If you try for everything there is you might come out with what you should .

Me i would or i did file first that is a big advantage .Get organised pick a day draw down all bank accounts that have your name on them then have your name removed see the lawyer file go home drag that mattress out in the yard with his other things and be ready to call 911 .

Either wake him up or put him out, life is to short to live in misery .:bandwagon: Just get your ducks in a row :sing:


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

No wonder the divorce rate in this country is so high...


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

ErinP said:


> No wonder the divorce rate in this country is so high...


Yea folks that just pass staying in the same house eating by their self .Speaking only when a must . Don't know whose sanity i would question but something is amiss somewhere .

We don't tolerate friends, relatives or strangers that treat us like that or i don't why put up with a partner that daily treats us like dirt ??? 

Since there are many laws about activating the last part of wedding vows i would think divorce would be the next best choice . 

A house divided can't stand eep:


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## DebM (Dec 6, 2005)

{{{hugs}}}


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

lickcreek - do you know any women folk in your neck of the woods that you know got divorced and came out "good" on the deal? Find out the attorney they hired.

Once you get your appointment made - make sure you know the following:

yearly salary of your husband, (and you if you work out of the home), bank account balances, CD balances, amounts in your husband's IRA, 401(k), is he entitled to a pension?, etc? You will need a list of ALL of your assets along with the property.

Don't make a snide comment to hubby that puts him on the fact that you are checking things out or contacting a lawyer. And for now, it might be best to not mention it to either child either. (Even though they know you aren't getting along, letting them know that you are looking into your rights, might motivate them to "have a talk" to their father.)

As a final note, I never dreamed things were as bad as they are. - Sleeping in separate rooms, no talking at all, not eating together or even you cooking for him - it certainly sounds like he has already "written you off" and he is just hoping you disappear.

Stay quiet, research, contact a lawyer, find out your rights. Then you can decide how to proceed. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

Women tend to be "fixers", they don't want to be the one that goes to the lawyer first - that seems so aggressive and wrong, somehow. BUT - your husband is already acting as if you aren't there. Sleeping on a mattress in the living room? Not allowing you to cook for him? He is making you into a non-person. I am not sure there is any fixing that.

Someone said there will be a limited number of attorneys available to you and so get the best one for yourself - that person is spot on. If he gets the best guy you will be running around trying to find someone willing to take #1 on, so will be at a disadvantage from the start.

Get your ducks in a row. Get you life working for you so that you can carry on no matter what happens. If things calm down - great. I truly hope they do. If they don't - well, things won't be easy but they will be easier if you have already planned for the worst.

Just one question - is your husband on any medications? I know you say you think he is depressed and that could certainly be true. Medicine can make a big difference there. But some medicines have unwanted side effects such as confusion and aggression. Also - has he had a thorough work-up recently? Two things I know of can also cause irrational bouts of anger and a certain amount of brain fog (which can cause irrational anger too) those are hypothyroidism and diabetes. Both are pretty common as we age, and would be worth checking out if he will do it. 

Mary


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

lickcreek said:


> Yes, Michael is correct. Property is in both our names, with the exception of 5 acres, which - long story short - was originally deeded to his father. After he died, his mother gave it to him, putting it only in his name. The other 60 acres he and his father were buying from his grandparents. When father and grandfather died, grandmother went in and put farm in both of our names.


Do you and your hubby have a mortgage on the place?

Hubby and I have been married about as long as you and your hubby. We will celebrate our 29th later this year. And we aren't having difficulties, or talking about breaking up, so perish the thought!

Anyway, we have our ranch, which we scrimped and saved for, and did without for, and now we own it free and clear. We bought it together.

We also have the family home in the burbs, which we have a mortgage on. Hubby inherited half when his Dad died, and we got a mortgage together to buy his sister's half. That was years ago, and the house is worth a lot more now. Even in this stinking housing market, it is worth at least six times what it was worth when we bought it.

So if things went badly for us, and we were to divorce, I would think that we would both be entitled to half the ranch, and all of the equipment and improvements that we've made there over the years.

On the house in the burbs, I'm just guessing here. We own it in in Joint tenancy with right of survivorship. My name is on the deed, and on the mortgage with hubby. It has been nearly 20 years since his dad died.

I don't think a court would say "he already owned half before, and he also gets half of the remaining half., i.e. he gets 75% of it." I suspect that I would be entitled to a larger share than that. That house has been my home for most of my adult life. It is where we raised our family. it is where I cared for his parents when they were dying. Hubby couldn't really face that, so it fell to me, and my in-laws were grateful. 

If things needed fixing or maintenance, it was usually me welding the hammer or paintbrush. I think a court would take into consideration:

1. How title is held
2. My name is also on the mortgage
3. It is and has been my home for many years (Just thought about it, and it has been my home for 25 years)
4. How it has been used (i.e., as a family home, and not as his separate property. 
5. Improvements we have made over they years. And finally,
6. His inheritance

Back to you. If your hubby is keen to put your farm into the kids names, has he put the 5 acres that he owns as his separate property into their names yet? If not, he isn't serious about his heartfealt desire to do this, and really only wants your name off the title, so he can manipulate you out of a vested interest that you have worked for your whole adult life. 

If he brings this up again, remind him that they are your kids too, and you also have their best interests at heart. So don't worry, because you will leave your half to the kids.

Is it possible that his Mom put your name on title because she loved you too, and wanted you two to share it? This wasn't inheritance as I understand it. It was a gift from her to the two of you, given during her lifetime. If so, inheritance laws don't apply. Over the years I have seen people who knew their kids very very well, and knew their flaws. When the kids married, the parents loved the new spouse and the grandkids.

When the marriage broke up, they didn't side with their own kid, but with the spouse.

Hubby's cousin was like that. He married a girl from a wealthy family. The in-laws brought him in to run some of their companies, that had been failing, and he turned them around and made them profitable. He is a very nice guy with a winning personality, but dead serious about business. 

After three kids, his wife got flakey. He never understood why, but she locked him out of the bedroom for months. He tried to work it out, but she refused to try to make a go of it. Finally, he got tired of sleeping on the couch. He explained, first to the wife, and then to her parents why he was going to have to file for divorce, and he did it. The in-laws understood. They were terribly sad to see this happen. And they rightfully blame their daughter for the divorce. He continues running their businesses to this day, and they still love him. They also see him at family events. They attended his wedding to his second wife, and now they are fond of her too. Will they leave some of their inheritance to him? Probably.

Another friend had a son who was something of a cad. He married a lovely girl. His parents loved their son, but knew who he was. They loved the sweetie he married, and adored the grandkids. He cheated on her continuously throughout the marriage. Treated her horribly. His parents cut him out of their wills, and left his share to his ex and his children. They really wanted their daughter in law to be provided for, and they wanted the farm to stay in the family, which it has.

I'm thinking that your hubby's Mom put your name on title because SHE WANTED YOU TO HAVE IT! Especially if you had a good relationship, and you were good to them in their old age.

Whatever you do, DON'T sign away your ownership interest in the farm! And fight like heck to keep it if he tries to have your name removed! Please stop talking like he has any right to throw you out! Your name is on title. No cop is going to assist him in tossing you out, so you might want to get a copy of the title to show them if he tries.

I hope the two of you can find your way back into a loving relationship. However, if that doesn't happen, I hope you stop assuming that you aren't entitled to a fair share of what the two of you have worked together for so long to get. 

It is time to talk to a lawyer. When you do, don't refer to the land as your hubby's inheritance. If it didn't pass to you under a will or a trust after the death of your mother-in-law (second to die), it isn't an inheritance. So with that in mind, you need someone with legal knowledge to tell you what your rights are, and what must be done to protect them.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

claytonpiano said:


> This sounds hard hearted, but is the same scenario I hear over and over. Be careful of what you share with your kids. Remember that they will also share with their dad.


This reminds me of something. When my Brother and Sis-in-law filed for divorce, Brother had to go out of town for a couple of weeks. He left his key with his adult son. I don't know how, but the SIL talked the son into letting her come along when he went over to water plants. She brought an external hard drive She sat down at his computer and backed everything up to her hard drive so she could peruse it at her leisure, and use it against him in the divorce. She also logged onto the internet and looked at all of his postings on various websites. The son was horrified, but hadn't given her permission to do this. She was something of a force of nature, and couldn't be stopped without killing her.

Be very, very careful about what you share with the kids. Even if they side with you, it will get back to him.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

lickcreek said:


> Yes, I have already admitted my reactions to him were not always spot on. I misunderstood his actions, and took offense to things that he thought he was doing to "help" me, which did not come across as helpful to me at the time. I'm sure as you mentioned in your other post, that there are several things I've done to stir this pot, but at the same time I am trying not to continue stirring, and don't feel that I am the only one holding ta spoon! I do, however, appreciate your input.


Yep, you have mentioned that you are aware of your errors in this situation... and that is good... You cant unring the bell... that parts for sure.... but you can do your part to keep it quiet once it calms down a bit. (which it looks like you are trying to do) Here is what I have picked up so far... He is not as young as he once was... and is seriously concerned about the family farm... and what is to become of it. Most likely... pure conjecture on my part... he has put a LOT of blood and sweat into it over the years... it represents basically his lifes work. Again... let me step out on a limb here and guess that he has put a lot more of his time, resources and labor into it than you have over the years? Not saying that you havent worked hard, and put forth a lot of energy into the marriage, helping to make a living, raising kids... but those efforts fall in a "different" category than working the farm directly from the male viewpoint. (at least it would in mine) This puts his entire thought processes on a different level than yours. Men are not usually as quick to discuss their "feelings" as women... right up front we only have a couple of them hunger being one, and I am pretty sure you know what the other is. Hunger is the one that lasts... so we deal with it on a daily basis, and jump through all sorts of hoops as required to prevent getting hungry tomorrow. As we get older we sorta put the other one on the back burner somewhere. Women on the other hand have a tendency to want to discuss all those emotional details, constantly, which of course to the male is a grand source of irritation... and a waste of your time since the male of our species "tunes out" these types conversations as soon as they begin anyway... we find things in the shop.... or out on the back forty that needs our immediate attention. Now, I told my Yvonne before we ever got married that I loved her, but I get the feeling sometimes she wants to hear it again? What? Has she forgotten it already? It seems to me like something like that should be important enough to remember it! It really shouldnt need to be rehashed every day! 

You mentioned in an earlier post that he stays outside... working on all sorts of things... anything but coming in the house where "the real problem" is. Now from where I sit.... that sounds to me like its not the vacuum cleaner or the dishwasher that is the "problem". You also mentioned that he didnt think he needed a professional to tell him that hes "perturbed" with you... another indicator that its not the vacuum cleaner that is pushing him out of the house. I dont know the details, nor do I need to know them. He is upset with you for whatever reasons. (make a note here.... men are entitled to be upset with women.... coz we NEVER make a mistake... it therefor is a logical conclusion that it must be the woman) What you need to do is sort out for yourself what those reasons are... and eliminate them. Make the inside of the house more pleasant for him than that thistle patch. You cant "make" him come in... but you surely can improve the chances by making it a pleasant environment.... one that he wants to be in. Remove the things that he doesnt like... or that irritates him, and no, I am not talking about YOU. LOL I am talking about whatever behaviors you have displayed in the past that irritate him. Dont expect him to discuss emotions openly.... he WILL find someplace else to be. Its a guy thing. I am not suggesting that you become his "doormat". Just tossing out some ideas that might help you resolve your situation. Just to be honest... from what you have posted here, I dont think he wants to call it quits. He just wants some peace and quiet. 

Hope yall get things back where they should be soon.


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

just want to mention my exMIL walked away from a 20 year marriage after making my ex-s father sign the house over to the 2 sons of the marriage. She signed her share over too. When the ex's father remarried to his homewrecker, he took out a new mortgage! Within 3 years the homewrecker had divorced him too and the mortgage was in default! That house was supposed to pay for college for my ex and his brother. They wound up splitting $300 down the middle that the mortgage company threw them to keep them from filing nuisance lawsuits. Don't go that route. If he wants the kids to inherit he can write a will- but even wills can disappear or be changed.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Grandmotherbear said:


> just want to mention my exMIL walked away from a 20 year marriage after making my ex-s father sign the house over to the 2 sons of the marriage. She signed her share over too. When the ex's father remarried to his homewrecker, he took out a new mortgage! Within 3 years the homewrecker had divorced him too and the mortgage was in default! That house was supposed to pay for college for my ex and his brother. They wound up splitting $300 down the middle that the mortgage company threw them to keep them from filing nuisance lawsuits. Don't go that route. If he wants the kids to inherit he can write a will- but even wills can disappear or be changed.


How did he get a mortgage on a house that wasn't in his name?


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Grandmotherbear said:


> just want to mention my exMIL walked away from a 20 year marriage after making my ex-s father sign the house over to the 2 sons of the marriage. She signed her share over too. When the ex's father remarried to his homewrecker, he took out a new mortgage! Within 3 years the homewrecker had divorced him too and the mortgage was in default! That house was supposed to pay for college for my ex and his brother. They wound up splitting $300 down the middle that the mortgage company threw them to keep them from filing nuisance lawsuits. Don't go that route. If he wants the kids to inherit he can write a will- but even wills can disappear or be changed.


I am having a bit of trouble here figuring out how the "ex" managed to get a new mortgage on property that he no longer owned? You are correct about wills though... they can be rewritten in a couple of hours, superseding any and all previous wills. Putting the place in the kids name.... irreversible without their consent and they cant give consent until they are legally "of age"... this varies by state, but in my home state its 21.


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## WV Farm girl (Nov 26, 2011)

Your marriage is over. You might be able to put a bandaide on it and limp along a cpl more years, but its over. Why am I so certain? Because I did it. 

My ex never put me first. Someone or something was always more important. A cpl years before we divorced he would threaten it anytime we would argue. Finally when it happened I agreed to the disolution he pushed and was bullied into giving up everything. Farm, business, pension. Gone. At 35 and 12 yrs of marriage I started over with nothing.

Dont make the same mistake.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

lickcreek, have you talked to an attorney yet?


Why not?


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## Tricky Grama (Oct 7, 2006)

Just prayers & good thoughts thru these difficulties.

Patty


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

I am going on one year of a similar situation .....I left the family home in an emotional state because I knew I couldn't afford to live there on my own and did not know my legal rights....please consult a lawyer. I miss my home.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

Aw Roadless, I'm sorry! Do you have a lawyer now?


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## WJMartin (Nov 2, 2011)

Just going to add this to the mix. 
I have a friend who was in simular situation. Seperate bedrooms, no communication ect. for about 4 or 5 years. She knew he had a girlfriend and she was OK with that since she no longer cared what he was doing BUT he was paying the bills, so he really felt taken advantage of. Well, she was SHOCKED when she came home from a trip with DD to find the locks changed and she was served with divorce papers. Told me she never saw it coming! REALLY!! Now, do you want to stay that far in denial?


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

I don't know where you live, but to find a "good" attorney, one that will put your interests "first", and not knowing anything about the reputation of the attorneys in your town, I would go down to the Clerk of Court's office and ask if they can recommend an attorney who specializes in divorce. Clerk of Court's (at least in GA) handle all the filings of divorce actions. They stamp the papers and file them and keep the records. They know who the divorce attorneys are and while they can't "recommend" any particular attorney, they can give you a few names of those in town. Visit two or three. Relevant questions are: how long is the process, how much will it cost on average, what is your legal standing in regards to property, etc.


1. You can contact the local bar association and the National Bar Association to see if the attorneys in your area have been disciplined or reprimanded. They do keep lists of those folks.

2 Keep in mind that the most expensive attorney is not going to always be the best attorney, some just charge more so going by the hourly rate isn't a guarantee of success.

3. You can ask the attorney in question how many divorces he/she has handled and how many were "successful". Some attorneys take on a lot of cases, but..they are lousy in court and lose more than they win. You want someone who isn't a "donkey's rear end" as other attorneys may not be able to work with them and half of an attorney's worth is how good he is in negotiations. 

4. Take a notebook of questions you want to ask and write down the answers while you are there. You will forget what to ask, what the attorney said, etc. because you are in an emotional state. Write it down! 

5. Don't leave the house, if he is so miserable, let him leave. Never leave the home unless he is threatening you with physical harm. He already is mentally abusing you by not speaking and acting like you aren't there..but you know that. 

6. Make sure the bills are being paid. Find out what you owe together. Make a list of accounts and quietly move money into your own account so you will have something to live on in case he decides to leave you with nothing. Not saying he will, but he might. Make sure certain things are paid: mortgage, light/gas/water bills, insurance for house/cars and health. Make sure the taxes on the house/land are paid up and that you don't owe the IRS or State any taxes. 

7. Go to counseling for yourself if he won't go. It will help you to have someone who is professional to talk to. 

8. Keep quiet about your intentions, children don't need to know your business regardless of whose side they are on and it is better to not put them in the middle.

9. Keep your job above all else. Make sure to go in every day and do your job no matter how hard that is. (and don't tell everyone at work what is going on, you never know who knows whom).

10. Live well, take care of yourself, try to eat/sleep normally, live your life. I hope things work out for the best for you, this is a very trying time.

and one last thing - I've seen a lot of couples get divorced and they fight over the strangest things. Lamps, dogs/cats, vases..you name it. In my opinion, if you get what you want in the way of "big things", like half the worth of the real estate, a car to drive, some sort of division of bills that you can afford, unless it is granny's teapot, let it go. You will feel better in the long run and most "things" can be replaced.

I was a paralegal for years and years, was married to a Judge, and although laws change, basic human nature doesn't. Divorces are as awful as the people involved make them. Taking the "high" road doesn't mean you are better person, it can mean that you leave with just a suitcase. Don't leave with just a suitcase, but fairness will go a long ways in the eyes of most Judges.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

roadless said:


> I am going on one year of a similar situation .....I left the family home in an emotional state because I knew I couldn't afford to live there on my own and did not know my legal rights....please consult a lawyer. I miss my home.


Very sorry Roadless, I can tell by your posts how difficult this year has been for you. ((Hugs))


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

All this happened in 1970 in St Thomas, Virgin Islands. I have NO idea how the jerk managed to get around it UNLESS it was possible that the paper work was filled out but never filed? Possibly my ex MIL trusted him to do what was right by the sons?? I know in FL you have to pay to have any changes stamped and it's a couple hundred $$ now, Both his sons HATED him and it was impossible for us to pursue from Washington, DC as we had no money for private investigators and legal representation.
Edited to add- My father felttthat since my ex's father was "well known" in the community that some one did him a favor by changing the ownership "back" to him after a certain period of time. There was a case 2 years ago in Lake Placid FL where a couple who had lived there for several years suddenly found ownership of their house and lot had been changed to someone else since after they had paid the taxes the year before- no one was able to figure out how the official county records had been changed, when there was no record of any change- just woke up one day and it was changed...no sale, no foreclosure, nada....The local paper reported it but there was no followup. I grew up reading Jack Anderson's column in DC- local muckraker- and I am constantly astounded at what people get away with in the state here IF they have good connections...


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

I want to thank everyone for their input. I realize that no one can analyze what is going on with us by the few paragraphs I've given you about the current state of affairs. I've only given you the recent highlights, and as always, there is my side, his side, and the truth in the middle. I appreciate the discussion, and support and insight from those of you willing to offer it.

I am currently looking into a lawyer, but don't know of anyone who has divorced that had this much invested in the marriage. Mostly younger couples, young children involved, but no property, etc. or simple straight forward divorces. And no one that I would really feel comfortable asking, as I don't want this to get back to him, and give him the idea I am initiating a divorce. This is far from my intention, I just feel I need to be prepared if that is where it goes.

I am also looking into some counseling. I'm sure it will only be for myself. It would be great if he wants to get involved as well, but I'm not expecting it. I'm not sure if I should even ask at this point. I've found some online resources, and am looking into local counselors as well. I'll find a way to afford it somehow.

In the meantime, I put a roast in the crockpot for supper. He can join if he likes.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

lickcreek said:


> In the meantime, I put a roast in the crockpot for supper. He can join if he likes.


There ya go! My dear old auntie always said a woman might catch a feller with face powder.... but if she aims to keep him.... its knowing how to use baking powder that counts.  She was such a wise ol lady. She managed to keep unk for better than fifty years before he finally croaked out on her.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> There ya go! My dear old auntie always said a woman might catch a feller with face powder.... but if she aims to keep him.... its knowing how to use baking powder that counts.  She was such a wise ol lady. She managed to keep unk for better than fifty years before he finally croaked out on her.


LOL. Wise woman. 

I don't know if he will join me, but I figured even though he refused to let me fix supper for him for 4 nights straight, it didn't mean I needed to give up my kitchen. Again, maybe I overreacted? Anyway, small olive branches... see where it goes from here.

And thanks for your insight. You've been more helpful than you know!


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Common Tator said:


> Aw Roadless, I'm sorry! Do you have a lawyer now?


Yes ....but I have lived at our off grid camp last summer, with a friend for awhile, got an apartment for awhile ....had to move back with a friend because I couldn't afford the apt. and finally went to court this past Friday and was finally awarded temporary alimony....it has been so very weird.


lickcreek pm me if you ever want to talk


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## Buffy in Dallas (May 10, 2002)

Do you have a will? If you have a "tragic accident" he will get everything. 
I know a guy that happened to. They could never prove she did it but it was really obvious since she didn't call 911 and she cleaned up the accident (crime) scene before the cops could get there.


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## lexa (Mar 30, 2012)

lickcreek said:


> I guess I was just wondering if it was time to consult a lawyer. He says he's just not sure he can care anymore. I don't see much chance for improvement in his outlook. I have the choice to sit and wait it out, but that's not brought us any closer in the last couple of months already. He says I'm doing things that are not helping the situation, but I'm not sure what those things are. He's not willing to explain.
> 
> I guess I'm wrestling with wondering if going to a lawyer is just one more thing that is not "helping", that will push him away even farther. Currently he's so far out there, I'm not sure he can find his way back. While I won't take the total blame for it, I don't want to fuel the fire, either.
> 
> What to do...???


I am sorry that you have invested so much of you life into marriage and now facing the fall out. 
It is obvious, but think about it again. He is not with you, he doesn't act like he wants to be with you. 
I have dealt with infidelity in my marriage and my hubby telling me that he doesn't love me and that he never did. I am not perfect wife but I have always been concerned about his well being. I was concerned that if I leave it would affect his job and carrier because I would have to explain, it is long story but anyway. I think in the attempt to push me away, he told me that I need to stop worrying about him and take care of myself. 
I had nothing to loose in our relationship and made a desicion to leave as soon as I would be able to do so. Turned out he was not ready to break the family and we working on it. 
You as well have nothing to loose in your relationship. He is not willing to talk to you about what you are doing wrong, he is not willing to work on his issues. Most likely he just want mo make you miserable and push you out without a fight. 
You have invested a lot into the farm and a house, and those are things that you can loose if you do not fight for them. 
You need to separate yourself emotionally fro him and make sure that your needs are taken care off. 
Talking to a lawyer, will help you with figuring out your rights and protect your interests! If it pushes your husband further away, well be it, he is already far way from you and does not want to come back. If there is something there for him to come back to he will no matter what you do to make sure that you interests are taken into account.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Communicate.
Communicate.
Communicate.
Please.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Communicate.
> Communicate.
> Communicate.
> Please.


Great unless you are trying to do it with a fence post eep: The post can't and the man or woman won't .So this could leave you up the unsanitary tributary with out proper means of propulsion if one don't prepair for the worst :hammer::hammer:


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Sawmill Jim said:


> Great unless you are trying to do it with a fence post eep: The post can't and the man or woman won't .So this could leave you up the unsanitary tributary with out proper means of propulsion if one don't prepair for the worst :hammer::hammer:


True.
But at the end of the day.......you will know in your heart of hearts, that YOU TRIED.
Fence post or not.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> Communicate.
> Communicate.
> Communicate.
> Please.


I think "communication" is more of a "girl thang."

I have yet to meet a man who gets excited by the phrase, "Honey, sit down. We need to talk about our relationship." 

Just sayin'! :shrug:


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

willow_girl said:


> I think "communication" is more of a "girl thang."
> 
> I have yet to meet a man who gets excited by the phrase, "Honey, sit down. We need to talk about our relationship."
> 
> Just sayin'! :shrug:


Yeppers, all too often its the "over communication" thing that causes the problems to begin with. If you gals would just stop and think for a moment... reflect back over the years and try to remember the last time you ever heard a man offer up something like "Honey... we need to talk". Now if that phrase even exists in your memory bank.... try to think about what he wanted to talk about.... I will wager it wasnt about "relationships"!!


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Sawmill Jim said:


> Great unless you are trying to do it with a fence post eep: The post can't and the man or woman won't .So this could leave you up the unsanitary tributary with out proper means of propulsion if one don't prepair for the worst :hammer::hammer:


I usually get more intelligent feedback from the post than I do from anyone else. for whatever reason the post knows when to keep quiet.


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Communicate.
> Communicate.
> Communicate.
> Please.


I think lickcreek has tried. Seems to me that her husband has pretty much made it plain, that he wants nothing to do with her.
I'm not saying she shouldn't try to communicate to work this out. She can continue trying. But she also needs to get to a lawyer and figure out her rights without her husband knowing about it. Once she is prepared and has all the information, he can be told - maybe when he finds out the divorce paper is going to cost him BIG money, he might figure out that things aren't so bad - or not. But at least she will be ready for whatever comes her way.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Michael W. Smith said:


> I think lickcreek has tried. Seems to me that her husband has pretty much made it plain, that he wants nothing to do with her.
> I'm not saying she shouldn't try to communicate to work this out. She can continue trying. But she also needs to get to a lawyer and figure out her rights without her husband knowing about it. Once she is prepared and has all the information, he can be told - maybe when he finds out the divorce paper is going to cost him BIG money, he might figure out that things aren't so bad - or not. But at least she will be ready for whatever comes her way.


I know a man went lawyer hunting once he said after the lawyer explained things to him he fell in love all over again with his wife . Guy said he thought he was in love with another till he talked to that lawyer . This was many years ago and far as i know this counselling worked real well :sing:

Some guys or gals will get on the :bandwagon: just long enough to con the other too . So got to be awake too.


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## Dusky Beauty (Jan 4, 2012)

Keep on keepin on Lickcreek! you're still in my thoughts and prayers!
Way to go girl! Reclaim that kitchen! The pot roast was exactly the type of thing I was thinking of... keep on making nice vittles for two, and it's on him if he's rather eat canned soup. I don't think any mortal man can keep that up for long with such great smells wafting around!

From what you've said, sounds like a sure thing he's acting up to force you to act so he doesn't have to. 
Having been there, deny him that as long as possible. 

Keep on working on you for the sake of you-- and wrap yourself up in prayer, study and introspection to have the Lord help you become more like his own vision for you. 

I don't think anything is more attractive to a grown man than that quiet gentle spirit of a woman grounded in Christ. If you continue to grow like this, you can be at peace no matter what comes. 

Know that I (someone you will probably never meet) is pleased to call you sister. Hit me up by PM anytime you need someone to talk to who is on the same page.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Michael W. Smith said:


> I think lickcreek has tried. Seems to me that her husband has pretty much made it plain, that he wants nothing to do with her.
> I'm not saying she shouldn't try to communicate to work this out. She can continue trying. But she also needs to get to a lawyer and figure out her rights without her husband knowing about it. Once she is prepared and has all the information, he can be told - maybe when he finds out the divorce paper is going to cost him BIG money, he might figure out that things aren't so bad - or not. But at least she will be ready for whatever comes her way.


Unfortunately, I think we're headed there. Last night he came in demanding check book to pay a bill. Eventually mentioned paying lawyer. Had to ask if he saw one already to find out it was for something else. He wanted it in my head that he did see one. Wanted to know where all the money is and where/when bills are due and how they are paid. He left before we could go over it.

I spoke with one lawyer over the phone, 33 years divorce experience. Didn't get much out of him, really, except trying to save it. DH specifically said last night he would NOT go to a couselor. 

Have a call into another, waiting to hear back if I can get an appointment with him. Making sure DH isn't trying to use him too.

Strictly fact finding right now, hoping to be ready when the SHTF.


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## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

Repeating again....count the livestock, maybe take a photo of the stock of hay and grain. This is very liquid at a time like this....here today, gone tomorrow. I learned the hard way...


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## Buffy in Dallas (May 10, 2002)

Have you taken your half of the bank account (only half!) and started a new account. It would tick me off something fierce if hubby used my money to pay for his divorce lawyer!


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

Lickcreek, don't just talk to 1 or 2 lawyers. Talk to lots. If I understand correctly, once they have consulted with you, they can't represent your hubby. And make sure that they specialize in divorce. Having a law license doesn't mean that they know about divorce.

He is letting you know that he will use your joint marital assets for a lawyer. I suggest that you do the same. Before he has a chance to clean out the joint accounts and leave you with nothing. Be sure to discuss this with the lawyers that you talk to, so you can take whatever preemptive steps are necessary to protect yourself.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Me i wouldn't drag around get it done before he does ask for the moon everything in sight .eep: If you have to don't answer the door till his papers are served be first much cheaper to make him defend his position and you will come out better .Forget love this is war he declared it and if you are fast you will come out the better for it .

There will be no winners just different degrees of loss. 

When i saw the wrighting on the wall i picked my lawyer told him what i wanted and how soon could he could get the papers served .In the filling go for everything you can take less (and will) but once filed you can't go for more or in some states .


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Buffy in Dallas said:


> Have you taken your half of the bank account (only half!) and started a new account. It would tick me off something fierce if hubby used my money to pay for his divorce lawyer!


Half my foot i left $75.00 bucks and then removed my name . It can be a long time before divorce court or you see a nickle from him .And the reason i took that much is i had the bills at the house and a child to care for . But that aside i would done it anyway .Until that judge drops the hammer it is as much yours as his . Remember this is WAR . Any cars payed for grab the best one and if you can change the title to you only then take your own insurance and remove your name from the old policy if he pays it he does if he don't o well :sing:

Don't get even get ahead gre:


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

And here we go! I preferred to keep my dignity. Of course, that's about all I got too.


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## Cannon_Farms (Aug 28, 2008)

dont speak to him, pretend hes not there, act like your having the greatest time of your life, a woman that can maintain her own level of happiness is a great deal more attractive to be around than a cesspool of hurt emotions of which he probably expects, Once you get used to pretending its not hard to make it a reality and then you start really learning to live without him and living for you.
Did you want to paint the kitchen neon green so it would be happy, go ahead if he doesnt like it he can change it.. if it becomes something out of your favor there is always this,

"A friend of a friend was caught red-handed with another woman by his long-time partner, and came home the next evening to find that she had flown the nest. Within days, the heartless brute had invited his new lady to share the flat. But, after a few weeks, a strange smell appeared to have taken over the bedroom.

No
matter what the bloke tried â a bucketful of scent, disinfectant, joss sticks, even changing his socks â the nostril-assailing niff worsened by the week.

Over the summer months, the noxious brume had graduated from a honk to an almighty hum, and very fishy it was too.

In fact, it got so bad the anguished couple decided they had to move out. The stench meant they had to sell the flat well below market value, but they were happy just to be leaving their pongy past behind.

Just as the removal van was being packed, the former cohabitee â who had got wind they were moving out â drew up in her car.

Apparently, she was responsible for the noxious odours. She'd secretly emptied an economy pack of prawns into the hollow curtain poles in the bedroom as a devious revenge for her treatment.

As if making the new couple move house wasn't vengeance enough, the cuckold could hardly contain her glee when she spotted the removal men lugging the brass curtain poles into the van bound for the brand new apartment. "


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## prairiedog (Jan 18, 2007)

See the lawyer get the money. i can't for the life of me see why you would even want to try anymore with the jerk. Make him do a little of the work if he wants to. Maybe he should make you a meal and try to make the house pleasant for you. I don't no why people think the woman should do all that and put up with his behavior. If he were mine he would find his stuff on the front lawn.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

lickcreek said:


> Making sure DH isn't trying to use him too.


That is important too. Mention your hubby's name and ask if he recently consulted him/her regarding getting a divorce. If so, he can't help you. And you need to know this BEFORE spilling your guts.


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## Dusky Beauty (Jan 4, 2012)

prairiedog said:


> See the lawyer get the money. i can't for the live of me see why you would even want to try anymore with the jerk. Make him do a little of the work if he wants to. Maybe he should make you a meal and try to make the house pleasant for you. I don't no why people think the woman should do all that and put up with his behavior. If he were mine he would find his stuff on the front lawn.


At the outset of the thread, she made it very clear she wanted to try, and I don't think it's really some random forum posters place to make that decision for her. I only armed her with some ideas. 

I don't know how long you've been married, or how many times, or to what sorts of people, but in my marriage, pride (the stuck up kind) has no place for either party and that's definitely in the top 5 of reasons we remain married. We both make mistakes and stay on equal ground. I see too many women who routinely get mad and hold grudges at their men because he "doesn't do what he's supposed to"... not because the slight is actually important to them... but because of some societal imposed set of rules.

I'm blessed to have chosen a good man, but even good men are not immune to horrendous lapses in judgement.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Yep but you got to know when to hold them or fold them . I know my Husbandinlaw looked good riding around in that car she took .:sing: The one in her name i paid cash for ound: Yep i was a sucker eep:


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## ufo_chris (Apr 30, 2010)

coup said:


> i am all for doing whatever it takes to keep a marriage together.....counseling,would be the thing if he would agree...
> 
> lawyers here want $5000, to start........
> 
> ...


I'm in Ohio too and when I got divorced a few years ago it cost $900 ! Nine HUNDRED! My divorce was pretty simple ,no kids, 20 years ,I got 1/2 he got 1/2 ,no choice, he paid me my 1/2 and kept the house.
OP sounds about the same with grown kids, no custody battle, simple 1/2!
It's usually whoever can afford to pay the other, OP,sounds like in your case you'd move out but you'd get 1/2 of everything. He would have to get a loan, second mortgage or have to sell and split it with you.
Good luck to you!


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## Dusky Beauty (Jan 4, 2012)

ufo_chris said:


> I'm in Ohio too and when I got divorced a few years ago it cost $900 ! Nine HUNDRED! My divorce was pretty simple ,no kids, 20 years ,I got 1/2 he got 1/2 ,no choice, he paid me my 1/2 and kept the house.
> OP sounds about the same with grown kids, no custody battle, simple 1/2!
> It's usually whoever can afford to pay the other, OP,sounds like in your case you'd move out but you'd get 1/2 of everything. He would have to get a loan, second mortgage or have to sell and split it with you.
> Good luck to you!



Yeah.. stinks when it's been your home for most of 30 years, but thats the truth of the matter--- if the split hammer comes down that's what is fair, and hopefully it will be just that easy. 

When hubby had his wild hair- you should have seen the look on his face when I insisted he would have to buy out my half of his big screen TV and my half of his 401k if he was going to follow through with it. ound:


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Divorce Care is a bible based support group that was (is) extremely helpful to help me keep my sanity during these crazy times. You could google it to see what is around your area.


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## crunchycon (Sep 2, 2006)

I've posted about this before, but getting counseling was a lifeline to me while I was going through my separation and divorce. I'm glad you're attending to your emotional/mental side whilst trying to get your financial/legal house in order. I'm very sorry for your situation, and, I hope you get what you want. Bear in mind that, over time, your mind may change about not getting the divorce. I remember desperately wanting to work things out; a year of counseling (and no, this guy wasn't the type to hand me a Kleenex and say "there, there" - it was tough!) brought me to the point where I realized that xDH was not coming back; more importantly, I didn't want him to come back. 

I wish you only the best -- for you.


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## Rustaholic (Dec 1, 2007)

coup said:


> i am all for doing whatever it takes to keep a marriage together.....counseling,would be the thing if he would agree...
> 
> lawyers here want $5000, to start........
> 
> ...


I am sorry if this has already been stated but the movie is Fireproof.
It is a very good one.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Another good movie is War of the Roses. It's a lot funnier after you've been through it though.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

I would highly recommend a mediator. If you get lawyers keep them on a short leash. If you don't, you'll end up hating each other and go a long ways towards paying tuition for the lawyers' kids. Keep your dignity.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Talk to him.
IF you don't want the divorce, tell him.
Confess your short comings, and tell him you will work on them, with him.
Tell him you love him.

Get up, get a shower, get dressed. Put yourself together like you are going to dinner.
Clean the house.
Make dinner.
If he choses not to eat it, fine. Keep making it.
Don't just do this for one week.
Change, you.
Keep talking to him, even when he walks out of the room.
Calm, cool, collected.
Stand your ground if you dont really want a divorce.


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## earthkitty (Mar 3, 2011)

Don't know if it has been mentioned, but watch the movie Fireproof. Watch it several times. Have it playing and if hubby decides to sit and watch it with you, good. If not, you will benefit from it greatly.

I believe you can save your marriage.


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## prairiedog (Jan 18, 2007)

In response to how long and how many times I have been married 1 time and almost 40 years but if I can't be treated with the same amount of respect he thinks he should have it wouldn't have lasted. You get what you put up with.


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

lickcreek said:


> Last night he came in demanding check book to pay a bill. Eventually mentioned paying lawyer. He wanted it in my head that he did see one. Wanted to know where all the money is and where/when bills are due and how they are paid.
> Strictly fact finding right now, hoping to be ready when the SHTF.


WHEN the SHTF?!? Ummm . . . . . . . . I think you are already there. I'd start calling every single divorce lawyer in town and make a free consult. Your husband shouldn't be able to use any of them. Once you have gone down through everyone - you should have a good idea of what your rights are.

Most women are usually told to take half of all bank accounts and start their own account. You may want to do this ASAP - because it sure sounds like your husband is possibly looking around too - and you sure don't want him to withdraw everything. 

If by chance you two do stay together, your husband will have more respect for you. If you don't stay together, your husband will be amazed you had the foresight to protect yourself - and he will be crying for his assets he had to hand over to you. Don't let husband in on your plan until all of your ducks are in a row. He can then decide if he wants to continue playing the game as he has been.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Talk to him.
> IF you don't want the divorce, tell him.
> Confess your short comings, and tell him you will work on them, with him.
> Tell him you love him.
> ...


What do you want lickcreek?


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

roadless said:


> Divorce Care is a bible based support group that was (is) extremely helpful to help me keep my sanity during these crazy times. You could google it to see what is around your area.


Yes - I can recommend this, too. I helped facilitate a group at my church. It meets hurting people where they are.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> What do you want lickcreek?


I would love for my marriage to work, but it takes both of us, and he isn't there. He refuses couseling. He said 2 nights ago I disgust him and there is nothing I can do to make things better. He said he doesn't know what he wants or what he wants to do.

I should want to not be treated like this, even more than I want a marriage. Each day I come a little closer to that. I'm far from perfect, but I deserve better.

I have not contacted any other lawyers yet, but today was dedicated to getting my ducks in a row financially. When he finds out, this may be the breaking point for him. Maybe that's what we need. 

At first I was going to stick this out until he kicked me out. I'm pretty sure that's what he wants, he just won't say it, and I was going to force him to make that decision. (He doesn't want everyone else to think he's a bad guy!! It's VERY important to him). 

I've been told by both lawyers that it really wouldn't matter if I file first or he files first. No fault state. Everything just gets divided. And that it's up to me when/if I move out....


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

Did the lawyers really tell you to move out? Why not make him move out?

Edited to add: Seriously! Why would he want to live with a woman who disgusts him? Move all of his clothes onto his 5 acres. Change the locks. File for divorce.

He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. If anyone asks what happened, tell them that he said he wanted a divorce, and that you disgust him, so you tossed him out so he doesn't have to look at you anymore. There, see? You're the bad guy, just like he wanted! :grin:


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

Good luck and best wishes. I know it's not easy.


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## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

Get your half of the money. My ex took all the savings from the credit union. It was there for our real estate taxes.....


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

lickcreek said:


> I would love for my marriage to work, but it takes both of us, and he isn't there. He refuses couseling. He said 2 nights ago I disgust him and there is nothing I can do to make things better. He said he doesn't know what he wants or what he wants to do.


If you would love for the marriage to work.....if you really mean it?
Fight for it.
He is saying all kinds of evil to hurt you. Let it roll. 
YOU get counseling. YOU treat him, the way you want him to treat you.



> I should want to not be treated like this, even more than I want a marriage. Each day I come a little closer to that. I'm far from perfect, but I deserve better.


We all deserve better. But I have found out that I get out of my marriage what I put into it. And you know what? I can put 100% in and still get pooped on.
But at the end of the day, I am honoring my Covenant. 
And it's amazing to watch when one continues to honor the Covenant, the other one begins to take notice.....and real change starts.....



> I have not contacted any other lawyers yet, but today was dedicated to getting my ducks in a row financially. When he finds out, this may be the breaking point for him. Maybe that's what we need.


Oy.



> At first I was going to stick this out until he kicked me out. I'm pretty sure that's what he wants, he just won't say it, and I was going to force him to make that decision. (He doesn't want everyone else to think he's a bad guy!! It's VERY important to him).


Don't leave. Change you if you really want this to work.
If you leave, your legal rights go down the toilet.
You will also allow him to 'feel good' about what he is doing. YOU will be the bad guy. Don't let him win.



> I've been told by both lawyers that it really wouldn't matter if I file first or he files first. No fault state. Everything just gets divided. And that it's up to me when/if I move out....


I am curious how much it will cost. 
Here in IN. the cheapest I could find was 1000.00 cash up front, then 250.00 an hour. All said and done, the cheapest would be between 2-3,000.00
The "average" was 2000.00 down and 300.00 an hour for the grand total around 4,000.00.
That was less than 1 year ago too.


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## Dusky Beauty (Jan 4, 2012)

Michael W. Smith said:


> WHEN the SHTF?!? Ummm . . . . . . . . I think you are already there. I'd start calling every single divorce lawyer in town and make a free consult. Your husband shouldn't be able to use any of them. Once you have gone down through everyone - you should have a good idea of what your rights are.
> 
> Most women are usually told to take half of all bank accounts and start their own account. You may want to do this ASAP - because it sure sounds like your husband is possibly looking around too - and you sure don't want him to withdraw everything.
> 
> If by chance you two do stay together, your husband will have more respect for you. If you don't stay together, your husband will be amazed you had the foresight to protect yourself - and he will be crying for his assets he had to hand over to you. Don't let husband in on your plan until all of your ducks are in a row. He can then decide if he wants to continue playing the game as he has been.


Yeah, you're at this step now imo. 

Laura still has great advice for sticking it out if that's the way you want to roll, the choice is really yours, but I see no reason why you can't do both. 

I know how it feels to have the person you love saying the cruelest things he can think of to build up that wedge, trying to force you into action. It hurts deeper than anything, and it really breaks down your resistance and your will. It takes a really strong person to stand through it. Few do. 
I don't know if this suits your musical taste-- but this song has always been very encouraging to me: [ame]http://youtu.be/FlXlUgHUc60[/ame]


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## Tabitha (Apr 10, 2006)

find a good lawyer. My sister in law found a good one and came out well. On the other hand, the daughter of a dear friend, dairy farm wife, worked hard all their married life, five kids, she was no match for him and she came out with nothing. He already had another woman on the side and his lawyer helped him and her lawyer was no match. I have no idea how things like that are possible, but they are. My sister in law has 2 kids, and she got the house, most of the money and the car. She credits her lawyer. 
. Obviously love has died and he dislikes you. You need to look out for yourself. Make sure your name stays on that deed. Don't be a sucker because it is inherited from his family.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

The advantage to being the one to file first is making the other one defend their position no fault state or not .Not trying to promote anything .I been there done it . No shirt i lost it ound:

Last i heard there is a big difference in defendant and plaintiff :bandwagon:


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

Tabitha said:


> Don't be a sucker because it is inherited from his family.


IT'S NOT INHERITED!

She said:


lickcreek said:


> My name is on the farm (all but 5 acres - long story). The farm has been in his family for several generations. It is very important to him that it stays in the family. He wants it to go to our kids.


At this point, he sure doesn't care about what she wants. I don't think she should care too much what he wants either, but they are her kids too, so it will go to them, most likely.

And then she said:


lickcreek said:


> Yes, Michael is correct. Property is in both our names, with the exception of 5 acres, which - long story short - was originally deeded to his father. After he died, his mother gave it to him, putting it only in his name. *The other 60 acres he and his father were buying from his grandparents. When father and grandfather died, grandmother went in and put farm in both of our names*.


So the grandmother made the transfer during her lifetime. It is NOT his inheritance. It did not pass under a will or trust. It was a lifetime gift from grandmother TO BOTH OF THEM.

And I'm very much afraid that the OP will slip and refer to it as her hubbys inheritance. That fact will change the advise given by her attorneys. If they ASSUME it is an inheritance, they will be thinking in terms of inheritance law, and give her inaccurate advice based on that. 

I would like for her to go to the County office and get a copy of the deed. Have it with her when she talks to the lawyer. And DON'T call it inheritance!


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Sawmill Jim said:


> Last i heard there is a big difference in defendant and plaintiff :bandwagon:


Now days it is the petitioner and the respondent.


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## stef (Sep 14, 2002)

There's not much I can add, but just want to say I am very sorry. 
It's like they become a stranger in front of your eyes. They do and say things you never thought possible. 

This is why God says He hates divorce: the pain it causes...for the victim the heartbreak, rejection, abandonment, the breaking of trust...for the perpetrator, the hardening of the heart it causes, the deepening of selfishness and resentment...for any children, the loss of security and safety...for family and friends, caught in between two people they love and cherish, some can remain neutral, but it's difficult and many can't. It's a blight that ripples out into every facet of society leaving behind broken hearts and lives. In time, and with God's grace, there will be mending and even strengthening, but it's not what He wants for us. 

(Don't misunderstand...I am not talking about situations where there is abuse.)

Again...I'm truly sorry.


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## Big Dave (Feb 5, 2006)

Just my .02 In Arkansas it is defendent vs plantiff on the summons. It is not who files first it is who gets served first. Just went through this today in one and even though the husband filed first his server dragged their feet and he got served before the wife got her summons. Divoce is not good. Being in love will blind you and it is a pain to have hindsight that you kick you self for daily.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

I sometimes wonder how someone who once claimed love can turn on their partner and say such awful things to hurt them. Remember to hold your head high and not stoop to his level. He will wonder what is up as a person who has become mean expects and sometimes wants the same in return. I think it is a form of justification in their minds for their actions. Not playing his game is hard for it is our nature to strike back. Now is not the time for that, now is the time to spend your energy on protecting yourself and your share of the assets.

I have seen the court divide things equally and I have seen courts give one party more. I have seen Judges take into consideration behavior as well when deciding who gets what. I know you will look back and be able to say that you maintained your dignity throughout. He will look back and know in his heart that he was mean and cold. He may never admit it, but all who are involved will know.

Get plenty of rest and continue to prepare for this battle you do not want. Sometimes things change but better to be prepared than not.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Some smart person told me once that there was a fine line between love and hate and when the switch over comes it is with equal passion eep:


Big Dave that is why in one my post i said hide and don't answer the door till he was served . You did make it clear for those not in the know some places you can get independent paper services don't know about the op's state .

I went to a different state till my x was served .I paid good money for the advice that i have posted here i didn't want to listen but was lucky my lawyer was nice enough to explain it to me where i could understand it . 

But as is said there is no winners one may just lose less than the other . You can't make someone love you sometime you got to do what you got to do . If it comes to being alone and broke or alone with money which would you rather have :hammer:

You know there is a saying about giving advice anyone that don't know it pm me and i'll tell you it . It is true most times but not every time .eep:


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I'm amazed at some of the prices you have to pay for an attorney. But I guess is you have assets worth fighting for, the price is worth it.

My divorce was uncontested and we never even had to go to court. The cost was $650. It was $150 to file the divorce papers in court and $500 attorney fee.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Sorry, double post.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

My first divorce (1990)got real ugly. Ugly ain't even the word for it. I filed first and sued for custody of our two children, she claimed non-paternity then proved it, I continued the fight for custody, and it got ugly  payed over $10,000 in attorney fees, and I think she paid considerably more. 
My second one, the wife got ugly and I kept my dignity. I paid less than $2,000 and she paid a lot more. I refused to say anything bad about her and very successfully proved her ugly portrayal of me wrong.It was quite pleasing to see the others see her true colors. It sucked to get divorced, but I felt great afterwards.
Edited to add:
My second attorney was good. I told him I did not want to be nasty. He helped for the most part. He wanted me to sling some mud, bring up some hurtful things from her past and such, but I refused. It worked for the best.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Lickcreek, I'm sorry you are going through this. You do need real legal advice. I'm afraid that the property, if it's been in his family for generations, will not be considered community property. No matter who's name is on the deed. I could be wrong. You need an attorney for that. Try to maintain your sanity and get through this as well as possible, but try very hard to keep it out of the courts. Then no one wins. It sounds like he's going to make you take him to court. If so, try hard to keep it civil. Get the judge to order mediation early on. That can help, if you don't let the lawyers get involved in that.


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## foxygram (Sep 4, 2008)

I feel for you. We live on a farm and my husband always wanted to farm. He shut me out of his life after I bought him his farm. I owned my own home in the city when we married which I bought out first farm with and then when we were forced out by a gravel pit, purchased a second farm. So my money went from owning my own home to both our names on this farm and all community property. Reasonably certain he has had at least 6 affairs. There is some reason I got herpes. So he started outright saying I could leave if I was not happy. So I made real sure he knew if anyone left it was going to be him. Then he said he wanted to keep the farm. Sorry, all will be sold and split. So he got real smart mouthed and said go see a lawyer if you are not happy. The next day he came home from work and said maybe he needed to look at himself. His wife wanted a divorce and the same day his boss put him on notice one more incident and he would be fired. Apparently he is as nasty at work as at home. So I asked him if he wanted me to cancel the appointment with the lawyer. It is always best to lawyer up, one can always cancel later. He was vague and said I could do what I wanted. I forced him to answer and he said no, he did not want a divorce. Things may not be like I would want them to be. But my rights are protected and he knows there is not a way to bamboozle me into emotional reaction. His biggest desire I found out is to play the bigshot in his family and give my inheritance to his godchild instead of my children. Not going to happen.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

vicker said:


> Lickcreek, I'm sorry you are going through this. You do need real legal advice. I'm afraid that the property, if it's been in his family for generations, will not be considered community property. No matter who's name is on the deed. I could be wrong. You need an attorney for that.


You are right, she does need an attorney. You are probably wrong about how the farm will not be considered community property though. That is why she needs to get a copy of the title, and see how title is held. Remember, this is not an inheritance. At one time the OP and her hubby were BUYING the property, and making payments from their joint marital finances. Then it was transferred to THEM (not just him) by Grandma during her lifetime. And it has been her home for many, many years if I understand correctly.

I would like for the OP to discuss these facts wit a lawyer and see what they say. I am very much afraid that she has gotten bad advice by referring to it as her hubby's inheritance. The lawyers need accurate facts to give accurate advice.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

Common Tator said:


> You are right, she does need an attorney. You are probably wrong about how the farm will not be considered community property though. That is why she needs to get a copy of the title, and see how title is held. Remember, this is not an inheritance. At one time the OP and her hubby were BUYING the property, and making payments from their joint marital finances. Then it was transferred to THEM (not just him) by Grandma during her lifetime. And it has been her home for many, many years if I understand correctly.
> 
> I would like for the OP to discuss these facts wit a lawyer and see what they say. I am very much afraid that she has gotten bad advice by referring to it as her hubby's inheritance. The lawyers need accurate facts to give accurate advice.


 Good luck in court with that; Vicker is correct in that his attorney will make hay with the fact the property has been in the family for generations and no judge is going to go against that; particularly if other family members are willing to state what her intent was. Again, Iowa is not a community property state and none of the forum lawyers here can help the OP...GET A LAWYER.


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## foxygram (Sep 4, 2008)

States have different laws. Here where I live after 18 years property becomes community property with so many ins and outs one has to have an attorney with a high degree of knowledge of each single case to not get the wrong information. I certainly did not put him on my living will so he could make decisions about me. Pull the plug and presto, chango, owns the farm. Any will we made together does not effect jointly held property here. I was very naive to put it jointly instead of each owning half with right of will determining how the property is distributed after my death. There are so many convolutions to the law and each state has it's very own. Only a highly knowledgeable lawyer with his specialty being real estate is the best option. We can all give opinions but only a person knowledgeable of the laws of your state can really be of any help.


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## prairiedog (Jan 18, 2007)

Me, i would turn my employment to full time and walk away. Nothing I could get from the mess would be worth it. I would rather spend the energy and money building my new life.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

salmonslayer said:


> Good luck in court with that; Vicker is correct in that his attorney will make hay with the fact the property has been in the family for generations and *no judge is going to go against that*; particularly if other family members are willing to state what her intent was. Again, Iowa is not a community property state and none of the forum lawyers here can help the OP...GET A LAWYER.


 I agree with the GET A LAWYER part. You don't know what judges will do.

Remember, this is NOT INHERITANCE! So inheritance laws don't apply. But, lets pretend that it is. Here's what I found on Iowa law (the OP's state) regarding divorce and inherited real estate.


_Quoting, Iowa Code - Sections 598.21:


The court shall divide all property, except inherited property or gifts received by one party, equitably between the parties after considering all of the following: a. The length of the marriage. b. The property brought to the marriage by each party. c. The contribution of each party to the marriage, giving appropriate economic value to each party's contribution in homemaking and child care services. d. The age and physical and emotional health of the parties. e. The contribution by one party to the education, training or increased earning power of the other. f. The earning capacity of each party g. The desirability of awarding the family home or the right to live in the family home for a reasonable period to the party having custody of the children, or if the parties have joint legal custody, to the party having physical care of the children. h. The amount and duration of an order granting support payments to either party and whether the property division should be in lieu of such payments. i. Other economic circumstances of each party, including pension benefits, vested or unvested, and future interests. j. The tax consequences to each party. k. Any written agreement made by the parties concerning property distribution. l. The provisions of an antenuptial agreement. m. Other factors the court may determine to be relevant in an individual case.
_
Read more: Is inheritance split in a divorce in Iowa My mothers estate - JustAnswer Is inheritance split in a divorce in Iowa My mothers estate - JustAnswer 

So IF this were to be treated as inheritance, hubby's separate 5 acres would be considered his separate property. But it was actually a gift, made during Grandma's lifetime. I can't say plainly enough: THIS IS NOT INHERITANCE! She may get a half of his 5 acres too. Especially if their marital assets were used to maintain, pay taxes, etc. If he farmed it, were the proceeds of the earnings treated as marital assets? Did he use marital assets to buy seeds and supplies? If so, it was treated as a joint marital asset.

Salmonslayer, I can see how desperately you want this to be hubby's and hubby's alone. Look at the considerations that they would make above. A 29 year marriage, among other things. How about her contributions with her time, effort, giving birth to and raising their children, in that home, her earnings that contributed to the home and the farm, her work on the farm. How about the fact that at one time they were buying the farm, and their joint marital assets were being used to make payments to buy this farm? OP actually purchased part of this farm jointly with hubby. Are you saying she should be screwed out of that? It was the intention of them as a couple that they would own it jointly.

And as for Granny's intentions, she made that clear. She transferred 5 acres to hubby as his separate property, and 80 acres to the two of them. Perhaps she recognized the contributions that LickCreek had made to the farm, in her son's life, providing her with grandkids, etc, and she WANTED the OP to share in ownership as well. 

Here's a thought. a lot of men as they age get pretty cranky. I see my own Dad lashing out at my Mom in much the same way as the OP's hubby is lashing out at her. Part of it is health issues. He's diabetic, elderly, and has had several strokes. He hates getting old. And he looks at the woman that he has been married to for nearly 60 years now. They were both so young, and healthy and beautiful once, but now he sees her as an old woman, and that's just not what he married. And she reminds him that he's an old man, and he wants to be young again.

Maybe, just maybe, the OP's hubby's Grandpa also got cantankerous in his old age and made Grandma's life miserable too. She thought about divorce, but stuck with the old coot, because she took a vow. But she looked at her grandsonson and KNEW what her granddaughter in law would be facing in the not too distant future, so she transferred title to BOTH of them. Whatever her reasoning, it was Grandma's intent to transfer title to both of them.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

prairiedog said:


> Me, i would turn my employment to full time and walk away. Nothing I could get from the mess would be worth it. I would rather spend the energy and money building my new life.


That is a lot easier to do when you're younger than when you are nearing retirement age. I think this advice really stinks. Look at what a couple of posters here that have gone through divorces recently, or are still going through one are saying.

Would you want to be homeless in your 50's? Do you even know of companies that are hiring people this old?


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Yes a goood lawyer .There was a business man that trying to hire to get his business up and going .He ask a Dr first what 2+2 was the Dr thought a while and said everyone knows it is 4 . Next guy interviewed was a archaeologist same question he said as far back as he had ever dug answer was still 4 :sing:

Next in the door was a lawyer guy ask what is 2+2 the lawyer looks around goes to the door looks up and down the hall then pulls the window shades and says what you want it to be .This is who i want ound:eep:


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

> I would love for my marriage to work, but it takes both of us, and he isn't there. He refuses couseling. He said 2 nights ago I disgust him and there is nothing I can do to make things better. He said he doesn't know what he wants or what he wants to do.


Either you really want to save your marriage or you don't. It's really that simple (though of course "simple" and "painful" can often be found in the same efforts.  )

You should talk to an attorney to get your bearings on what the ramifications would be in the case of divorce. Then you explain in no uncertain terms that you are _not_ interested in proceeding at the moment, you are going to exhaust all possible options FIRST. 
Your attorney will nod understandingly because s/he has heard this MANY times before (and usually it ends up in divorce anyway. Divorce lawyers are a pretty jaded bunch.)


Then, you start doing everything you can possibly do to save your marriage. 
I would start here: Marriage Builders
There's _hours_ worth of information here, free for the reading, that will give you a better insight not only into him, but also into you. 

No, one person can't single-handedly save a marriage, but they _can_ do the lion's share of the work for quite a while... I've seen it happen. 
No matter which way you choose to go you're in my prayers.


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## thesedays (Feb 25, 2011)

Lickcreek, I realize we're only getting your side of the story, but if you're wanting out of your marriage, you do need to get a lawyer. Many, if not most, will give you a free consultation, and if they can't help you, can refer you to someone who can - in other words, who might be a better fit for what you need.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

thesedays said:


> Lickcreek, I realize we're only getting your side of the story, but if you're wanting out of your marriage, you do need to get a lawyer. Many, if not most, will give you a free consultation, and if they can't help you, can refer you to someone who can - in other words, who might be a better fit for what you need.


She isn't wanting a divorce. He is.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Common Tator said:


> That is a lot easier to do when you're younger than when you are nearing retirement age. I think this advice really stinks. Look at what a couple of posters here that have gone through divorces recently, or are still going through one are saying.
> 
> Would you want to be homeless in your 50's? Do you even know of companies that are hiring people this old?



Exactly! I'm 54. It's been three years since my ex left me and perhaps because of my health problems and age, I haven't been able to find a job.

I have two and a half years left to receive the small amount of alimony I receive each month. Then for five years I receive nothing until I'm eligible to receive SS at age 62.

I want to work. I'm scared of becoming homeless in a couple of years. Life is not fair and it definitely stinks. I'm wondering if perhaps later if things haven't improved and my alimony runs out, if I could go to a lawyer and try to get my ex to continue paying alimony until I'm 62. It's not that big of an amount at all and I think after 25 years of being devoted and loyal to him and our marriage, he should still bear some responsibility towards me, providing that I'm not able to at that point. I hope to be. Just something to think about until then.


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## bruce2288 (Jul 10, 2009)

This man seems to be angry, depressed or giving up on life. You may not have anything to do with any of this but only getting the fall out. Does he have a good friend or confidant that you or one of ;your kids could approach who might know what is going on with him? The recent family death and his genetic connection could be weighing heavil;y on him.


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

Common Tator said:


> That is a lot easier to do when you're younger than when you are nearing retirement age. I think this advice really stinks. Look at what a couple of posters here that have gone through divorces recently, or are still going through one are saying.
> 
> Would you want to be homeless in your 50's? Do you even know of companies that are hiring people this old?


I'm like an old hound dog caught in a trap where marriage in the later years is concerned. He'd have to gnaw my leg off to get rid of me. I've put in as much as he has and we're in this until the end. Anytime he forgets it, I remind him too.


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## farmergirl (Aug 2, 2005)

lickcreek said:


> There is a lot going on in his life, and that is why I was trying to ride the waves. No new medication. He's on blood pressure meds, but only goes to doctor when he needs refills. Pretty sure he hasn't been back since.
> 
> But, his mother passed away in February, he didn't have the greatest relationship with her, although I think he always hoped she would accept him, and now she never will. She died of ALS, which is hereditary (his mother, grandmother, uncle and cousin have all died from it) and I know that bothers him. He is getting close to the age his dad was when he passed away. He wants grandkids and someone to pass things too, and our kids aren't there yet. He keeps prodding them.
> 
> ...


Oh dear. He has made his mind up that this isn't going to work, then set you up for failure.

He's letting you down by withdrawing and refusing to talk through what is wrong. If I were you, I'd say "You know, I have expectations of you, too. I expect you to try to fix things with me. You're letting me down by not doing that."

Sincerely hope things turn around. He's grieving, and scared of getting sick himself. Sometimes people get defensive and hateful when they are scared.
If he won't talk to you, or anyone else, about what's going on, there's really not much you can do but protect yourself.

I am sorry for the pain I know you are feeling.

Blessed Be.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

AR Cattails said:


> Exactly! I'm 54. It's been three years since my ex left me and perhaps because of my health problems and age, I haven't been able to find a job.
> 
> I have two and a half years left to receive the small amount of alimony I receive each month. Then for five years I receive nothing until I'm eligible to receive SS at age 62.
> 
> I want to work. I'm scared of becoming homeless in a couple of years. Life is not fair and it definitely stinks. I'm wondering if perhaps later if things haven't improved and my alimony runs out, if I could go to a lawyer and try to get my ex to continue paying alimony until I'm 62. It's not that big of an amount at all and I think after 25 years of being devoted and loyal to him and our marriage, he should still bear some responsibility towards me, providing that I'm not able to at that point. I hope to be. Just something to think about until then.


Aw, AR, I'm so sorry. Did you get part of the value of the real estate? I remember when this started, and you posted here in CF. I wish you the very best.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I got the real estate. He got his 401. He got the better deal by far. The house was unliveable, literally falling down to the ground. I sold it to a neighbor just for the land and got $13,000. After I bought a good used car (which I totaled a couple of months ago on ice), paid off some bills including money we owed my mom and dad, gave my two sons some money, the rest I lived off month to month until it was gone. It helped me make it for a few months because with my alimony, I'm always broke by the middle of the month. Which is where I'm at again. I really wish I had a job. But I know there are so many people out there wishing the same thing this day and time.


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## modineg44 (Jun 25, 2002)

Google "divorce laws Iowa" and "divorce lawyers Iowa." There will be a lot of information to read, perhaps even forums like this one where you can ask questions. Take notes and write down questions to ask a lawyer. Start gathering information about your financial situation. Make copies of bank statements, etc. 

Nancy


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## prairiedog (Jan 18, 2007)

Common Tator said:


> That is a lot easier to do when you're younger than when you are nearing retirement age. I think this advice really stinks. Look at what a couple of posters here that have gone through divorces recently, or are still going through one are saying.
> 
> Would you want to be homeless in your 50's? Do you even know of companies that are hiring people this old?


I'm not younger I'm 58 and know life is very short now Too short to spend it in a nasty divorce. She has a part time job just add something else anything. It would be better than living like she is. That's just my opinion though I don't need a whole lot to live on.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

highlands said:


> It is greedy for you to steal the farm from him. I have no sympathy for you.
> 
> People like you are why I will insist on prenups for my kids before they marry or get hold on the land so their spouses can't take the land out of the family.







Even if she bought it? You have not read the thread. 

She and her husband were buying it together, and then her MIL made a gift of the remainder to BOTH of them.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

highlands said:


> It is greedy for you to steal the farm from him. I have no sympathy for you.
> 
> People like you are why I will insist on prenups for my kids before they marry or get hold on the land so their spouses can't take the land out of the family.


I'm the greedy one. I'm the one insisting that she stop calling it inheritance. And I'm the one that wants her to get a full half of the farm. So call me names.

So you think that she should marry him for better or worse, richer, poorer, sickness, health. Have his babies and heirs. Care for him for nearly a third of a century. Work hard on the farm. Keep house, do the books. care for family, and spend her youth on him. She probably didn't go to college, but instead started her family. And she and her hubby were actually buying the family farm, and making payments on it, before Grandpa dies, and Grandma signed it over to BOTH OF THEM.

Now that the kids are grown, and America is suffering so much financially, horrible unemployment. Companies are refusing to hire people over the age of 50. Hubby is apparently suffering from depression, but like a typical man, refusing to get treated for it. He's feeling his mortality now that both parents are dead. 

One day her loving hubby looks at her. He doesn't see years of loving devotion. He doesn't see the mother of his children. He doesn't see the woman he fell in love with. He doesn't see the woman he promised to love, and honor and cherish til death. Although she is still all of those things. He sees that she's gotten older with him, and that disgusts him. So he is making her life miserable at home in an effort to force her out.

So now, according to him, AND YOU, she is supposed to walk out the door, with nothing but the clothes on her back. No way to support herself. 

Can she have one of the cars? maybe she can live in the parking lot at WalMart! Oh, no! That would be greedy too. 

When did women become disposable? When did it become acceptable for a man to throw her out on the streets when it suits his fancy? Do tell Highlands, would you want your daughter treated like this?


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## Dusky Beauty (Jan 4, 2012)

Common Tator said:


> I'm the greedy one. I'm the one insisting that she stop calling it inheritance. And I'm the one that wants her to get a full half of the farm. So call me names.
> 
> So you think that she should marry him for better or worse, richer, poorer, sickness, health. Have his babies and heirs. Care for him for nearly a third of a century. Work hard on the farm. Keep house, do the books. care for family, and spend her youth on him. She probably didn't go to college, but instead started her family. And she and her hubby were actually buying the family farm, and making payments on it, before Grandpa dies, and Grandma signed it over to BOTH OF THEM.
> 
> ...


/popcorn

I'm on pins and needles to the answer of this myself.


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## Darstcreek (Apr 28, 2012)

Get a lawyer now donot wait !


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

highlands said:


> It is greedy for you to steal the farm from him. I have no sympathy for you.
> 
> People like you are why I will insist on prenups for my kids before they marry or get hold on the land so their spouses can't take the land out of the family.


She signs it over to him for their kids, second wife's kids (not his) end up with the farm. Happens all too often. The only way I would willingly give up the farm would be to put it in trust for MY kids and only if he did the same.

She helped pay for part of it, the rest was given to her as well as him by his grandmother. It's hers as much as his, if anyone let it go out of the "family" it was his grandmother, who gave it to both OP and husband.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> It is greedy for you to steal the farm from him. I have no sympathy for you.
> 
> People like you are why I will insist on prenups for my kids before they marry or get hold on the land so their spouses can't take the land out of the family.


Umm, it seems they were BUYING it TOGETHER.

Land is just another asset, like a house or a car or a bank account.

If she's legally entitled to half and he wants to keep it in the family, he can buy her out. :shrug:


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## Buffy in Dallas (May 10, 2002)

lickcreek said:


> At first I was going to stick this out until he kicked me out. I'm pretty sure that's what he wants, he just won't say it, and I was going to force him to make that decision. (He doesn't want everyone else to think he's a bad guy!! It's VERY important to him). I've been told by both lawyers that it really wouldn't matter if I file first or he files first. No fault state. Everything just gets divided. And that it's up to me when/if I move out....


For goodness sake don't move out!!! He CAN"T kick you out of your own home!!! :flame: Why do you think he's trying to make life so difficult for you? He wants the house! You don't even have a full time job! How the heck are you going to support yourself! It can take a long time to divorce and sell a house. 

If it was me... I would tell him if he's so disgusted he can just move out because I'm not going anywhere! 

By the way, you can be just legally separated. You don't have to get divorced until one of you wants to get married again.


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## thesedays (Feb 25, 2011)

Common Tator said:


> I'm the greedy one. I'm the one insisting that she stop calling it inheritance. And I'm the one that wants her to get a full half of the farm. So call me names.
> 
> So you think that she should marry him for better or worse, richer, poorer, sickness, health. Have his babies and heirs. Care for him for nearly a third of a century. Work hard on the farm. Keep house, do the books. care for family, and spend her youth on him. She probably didn't go to college, but instead started her family. And she and her hubby were actually buying the family farm, and making payments on it, before Grandpa dies, and Grandma signed it over to BOTH OF THEM.
> 
> ...


When I was in college, I knew several men who said they planned to go into their marriages with the intent of treating their wives poorly after the children arrived, so he would be a divorced dad (i.e. all the fun and none of the responsibility). One of them had to live briefly in a homeless shelter after his dad abandoned them, and I asked him, "Why would you wnat to do that to your own kids?" and he replied, "Dad got a 17-year-old girlfriend out of the deal."

:bash:

And it's not just men who get married with the intent of getting divorced. There are not a small number of women who marry a guy because she wants him to adopt her kids, so she can divorce him and get child support. Not right either.

But like I said earlier in this thread, we're only getting her side of the story too.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

Common Tator said:


> I agree with the GET A LAWYER part. You don't know what judges will do.
> 
> Remember, this is NOT INHERITANCE! So inheritance laws don't apply. But, lets pretend that it is. Here's what I found on Iowa law (the OP's state) regarding divorce and inherited real estate.
> 
> ...


 I want this to be hubbys alone? I am advising the OP not to listen to people on a forum who think they have some sort of legal knowledge and to get an attorney precisely due to the reasons you state. You have deemed this not an inheritance and are giving legal advice to the OP; I dont know if that it is an inheritance or not and advise getting a lawyer.

Dont know the OP, dont know the circumstance, been down the divorce road before and can only advise like most others to get legal advice. Or the OP could pin their hopes on free legal advice from an anonymous forum participant which is their choice. 

You seem to have your own personal issues that your projecting here and I am sorry your parents have similar issues. The OP is going through a difficult time and I wish her luck.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

salmonslayer said:


> I want this to be hubbys alone?


Yeah, you do. I was referring to this:


salmonslayer said:


> Good luck in court with that; Vicker is correct in that his attorney will make hay with the fact the property has been in the family for generations and no judge is going to go against that; particularly if other family members are willing to state what her intent was. Again, Iowa is not a community property state and none of the forum lawyers here can help the OP...GET A LAWYER.


You make your feelings quite clear there. You ignore the fact that the OP and her hubby were buying the farm together, making payments on it together for some period of time. And you are ignoring the fact that Grandma transferred it to both of them during her lifetime. _*I don't know how long Grandma lived after she made the transfer, but that would have been the proper time to question her intent. When she was still alive to answer him*_. He waited for two generations of his family to die before questioning Grandma's intent. He waited until after Grandma died, and then after his mother and father's death. And then he still waited until after he decided to jettison the old wife. So NOW it is time to question Grandma's intentions?



salmonslayer said:


> I am advising the OP not to listen to people on a forum who think they have some sort of legal knowledge and to get an attorney precisely due to the reasons you state. You have deemed this not an inheritance and are giving legal advice to the OP; I dont know if that it is an inheritance or not and advise getting a lawyer.


I have told her to talk to a lawyer several times here. You still think this is his inheritance? Knowing that Grandma transferred it to both of them during her lifetime? I would love to hear how you come up with that!

I have said "talk to a lawyer" several times already, but give him accurate information! Any fool can tell the difference between a gift that was given by a living person, and an inheritance that was bequeathed by the dead. That isn't giving legal advice.

What I do know is that if the OP tells a lawyer that the farm is her hubby's inheritance, his advice to her will be incorrect for the actual situation. And she will lose out on marital assets that are rightfully hers. 

If she shows him the deed and explains how They were buying it as husband and wife, and payments were coming from their marital assets, but after Grandpa's death, Grandma transferred it to both of them. The lawyer will be armed with the facts and can give her more accurate information, and act in her best interests to protect her.



salmonslayer said:


> You seem to have your own personal issues that your projecting here and I am sorry your parents have similar issues. The OP is going through a difficult time and I wish her luck.


Don't we all project a little here? Didn't you?


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Hohum...
When it goes to court it is in the hands of the judge. That means it all boils down to who the judge is friends with, knows, owes or just doesn't particularly like. It has nothing to do with right or just. 
Do not put your life in the hands of judges and lawyers unless you like tossing coins and feel lucky.
I reiterate: get mediation. If necessary have the judge order it first thing. Do not bring lawyers to mediation. Settle your problems out of court. This is what a good lawyer will tell you. This is also what the Bible will tell you.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

My ex and I went to court ordered mediation. She brought her layer and I did not. After 5 hours, we agreed that whoever kept the farm could keep the dog. Lmao! That cost her a bit.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

Common Tator said:


> Yeah, you do. I was referring to this: You make your feelings quite clear there. You ignore the fact that the OP and her hubby were buying the farm together, making payments on it together for some period of time. And you are ignoring the fact that Grandma transferred it to both of them during her lifetime. _*I don't know how long Grandma lived after she made the transfer, but that would have been the proper time to question her intent. When she was still alive to answer him*_. He waited for two generations of his family to die before questioning Grandma's intent. He waited until after Grandma died, and then after his mother and father's death. And then he still waited until after he decided to jettison the old wife. So NOW it is time to question Grandma's intentions?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 No actually I dont ignore it and we are saying much the same thing so I dont know why you are being so obtuse. In California things are pretty straight forward as far as dividing up marital assets but in the Mid West the courts have been loath to break up family farms and in fact there are loads of case precedent for not only divorce cases but also contested wills. The fact that the OP stated the farm has been in the family for generations and that he wanted to keep it that way will be taken into consideration by the courts and its just a fact she has to be concerned with. It doesnt mean she wont win for crying out loud. The OPs situation is complicated by the fact that as you state they are buying it which implies they have debt and what you think of as an asset may actually be a liability if there are farming loans etc. Its also common around this area for the wife (or other family member as the situation dictates) to be given joint ownership in a divorce or estate settlement but the person farming the old family property continues on so the joint ownership only comes into play if both decide to sell. She could end up allowed to live in the house and own half the farm but cant compel him to sell and he still gets to farm the whole thing. Again, Iowa isnt a community property state and the courts in the midwest will usually do anything to try and preserve a family farm and protect a dwindling rural heritage.

There are heritage farm designations, century farm designations, homesteading designations etc. in Iowa which would complicate division of farms like the OPs and unfortunately its usually the wife who is at an extreme disadvantage. Whether its an actual inheritance issue or not is a legal determination and unlike you I cannot foresee of the future; only advise the OP to be careful and protect herself (and legally, death isnt the only legal inheritance issue...that is a layman definition). I believe she is already concerned about it and you and I agree its something she should be concerned about and she should see a lawyer. Does any of that sound like "I desperately want her husband to get everything?" .


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

Lickcreek, I hope you check in soon and let us know what is happening. I'll keep you in my prayers.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Buffy in Dallas said:


> By the way, you can be just legally separated. You don't have to get divorced until one of you wants to get married again.


I don't know what this would mean. Is there any division of property when separated? And would that make me liable for his debts? Taxes? What is real advantage of a legal separation?


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

vicker said:


> I reiterate: get mediation. If necessary have the judge order it first thing. Do not bring lawyers to mediation. Settle your problems out of court. This is what a good lawyer will tell you. This is also what the Bible will tell you.


How would a mediator work, and why is this better than a lawyer.

I have to admit, DH has been divorced before, and had a nasty lawyer. Got away with hiding and moving a lot of things, and she got very little. Of course, they had only been married a couple of years, and no property in his or her name at the time. Trailer house, cars, household stuff was all. Lawyer has long since retired and moved south...


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

lickcreek said:


> I have to admit, DH has been divorced before, and had a nasty lawyer. Got away with hiding and moving a lot of things, and she got very little. Of course, they had only been married a couple of years, and no property in his or her name at the time.



Whoa! That tells you exactly what to expect when it's your turn. I would be getting all my ducks in a row yesterday. For all you know he may already be hiding and moving stuff in preparation for the "Big Day". Leopards, spots...

I **know** you are hoping that things will eventually work out. I **know** from personal experience how hard it is to see things you don't really want to see, even when they are right under your nose. But you really DO need to take care of *yourself* now so that you can be prepared for whatever follows. It is way, way better to be prepared for the worst and not need it than to need it and not have a clue about what to do.

Mary


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

lickcreek said:


> How would a mediator work, and why is this better than a lawyer.
> 
> I have to admit, DH has been divorced before, and had a nasty lawyer. Got away with hiding and moving a lot of things, and she got very little. Of course, they had only been married a couple of years, and no property in his or her name at the time. Trailer house, cars, household stuff was all. Lawyer has long since retired and moved south...


All the more reason that you need a good lawyer.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

Common Tator said:


> All the more reason that you need a good lawyer.


 On that I think all of us can agree. Good luck to the OP but all these people are advising you to seek legal counsel for a reason.


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## Buffy in Dallas (May 10, 2002)

lickcreek said:


> I don't know what this would mean. Is there any division of property when separated? And would that make me liable for his debts? Taxes? What is real advantage of a legal separation?


I don't know all the legal ramifications of this, I just know a couple of people who are legally separated but not divorced and have been for years. Finances are separate. Debts separate. Live separate. I assume they divided the property when they separated. You would still need a lawyer to do this though. They just stayed married so the kids can keep the husbands medical insurance. (he's not the kids dad)


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

A mediator will help y'all come to an agreement and keep it out of the judge's hands. It only works with adults though. Good luck.


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

vicker said:


> A mediator will help y'all come to an agreement and keep it out of the judge's hands. It only works with adults though. Good luck.


Will it work with a person who has a previous history of hiding assets? A mediator is fine if the divorce is likely to be relatively amicable. It doesn't sound as if this relationship is heading there.

Mary


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

No, it does not, which is why I wish her luck. It looks like a lawyer or three are going to make some money.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

He decided this morning that he was going to take over paying the household bills. Said he doesn't know where this is headed yet...

I'm pretty sure where he has this heading. Don't know if he has a lawyer. I have mine. I can't find anyone who has been divorced with as much time and joint property as we have. Most have been uncontested with only children to fight over. So I haven't been able to get any advice on a good "stick it to him" lawywer. I can only hope he will do the job reasonably well.

It also looked like he was getting ready to place an order for the shop. He will find out that I have cancelled the credit card we used for everything that I was the primary card holder, he was added on. Paid the card off and am getting a new card, no card for him. This will probably push some buttons.

He said he keeps getting angrier every day. It upsets him to see me doing the things he has wanted me to do now, all of a sudden. Says he wanted these things for me, but really wanted them for him. He said it would last 3-6 months, and I would be back to the old me. I explained the difference is that this time I was doing it for me, not him, and I was getting the help I need. The changes I am making are for me, and are no longer based on his opinions or criticisms. There's the difference.

I also explained there were things about him I would have liked to see changed. But that I didn't judge him for them, or hold them against him. He said he wasn't pointing fingers and never said he was perfect. 

I also told him that if he was getting angrier all the time, with nothing new to trigger it, that he probably needs some help himself. He says he is irritated at work and irritated at home. I told him no one liked seeing what he was turning into. He refuses to admit that he needs help. He can figure it out on his own... 

So, looks like I have no choice now but to buckle down and get all my paperwork together, my personal things together, and decide if I want to be the one to file first.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

CAUTION! 

If you canceled your credit caard by phone, then it can generally be re-opened by whoever makes a charge. Yep. It is not a closed account UNTIL you write them a letter! 

If you have not done so, then you need to call them up, ask the address to mail in such requests, and get 'er done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Otherwise he might still get the charge in.


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## Jokarva (Jan 17, 2010)

lickcreek said:


> The changes I am making are for me, and are no longer based on his opinions or criticisms. There's the difference.
> 
> So, looks like I have no choice now but to buckle down and get all my paperwork together, my personal things together, and decide if I want to be the one to file first.



Good for you. I'll keep you in my prayers that everything works out as it should.

I do have to say.....DH and I have been pretty happily married for 31 yrs. If the words 'you disgust me' ever came out of his mouth he would be out on his duff. That kind of contempt speaks to a relationship that has no love or respect left.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

> So I haven't been able to get any advice on a good "stick it to him" lawywer. I can only hope he will do the job reasonably well.


Talking to a lawyer to protect assets is one thing. Getting one to *"stick it to him"* tells me something else entirely. 

I hope you get what you want.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

ErinP said:


> Speaking to a lawyer about protecting assets is one thing.
> Trying to find one who will *"stick it to him"* is telling me something else entirely.


Awh to live a sheltered life again . For those that have never been in a knock down legal fight ,you get the best and meanest one you can :hobbyhors And you still may not get what you should you bargain from a position of strength if you ask for all and have him served first :smack Or you can get a nice lawyer and wind up broke on the street after 29 years . Not me if i go in the ditch everyone goes in the ditch .:duel:


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

I guess I didn't mean I want to "stick it to him", I just meant I wanted a lawyer that would fight for my rights to the end, and not let him walk all over me! I don't want to get nasty unless he does. In that case, I want someone who will do the job to the fullest extent.

Sorry if that came across otherwise.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

I'm inclined to think you said exactly what you meant. 

You're mad and hurt. That's understandable. But you're going in the exact opposite direction you need to if you're actually wanting to save your marriage. 

So, since you've decided to go that route, yeah, you'd better get the absolute best one you can possibly afford... But even then it probably won't be enough because his family will be on his side. 

Good luck. I hope you get what you need.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Lots of folks men and women sit and think and wait to long then in a few years say i had good advice i just waited to long to use it :smack 

I been breaking my rule lately on advice.

Never give advice a wise person don't need it and a fool won't take it .:hobbyhors


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## grandma12703 (Jan 13, 2011)

lickcreek said:


> He decided this morning that he was going to take over paying the household bills. Said he doesn't know where this is headed yet...
> 
> I'm pretty sure where he has this heading. Don't know if he has a lawyer. I have mine. I can't find anyone who has been divorced with as much time and joint property as we have. Most have been uncontested with only children to fight over. So I haven't been able to get any advice on a good "stick it to him" lawywer. I can only hope he will do the job reasonably well.
> 
> ...



Good advise for yourself! I think you are thinking very clearly now. I feel for you. We have been married 28 years and if he ever said I made him angry all the time and so on I would just be gone. I grew up in a home with a step father (mine was killed in Vietnam) who always said "crap" like that to momma. She was very insecure and depressed (which was opposite of what she was with daddy). I remember her telling us once that she was so proud that she had showed us girls how to make a marriage work. I smiled and lovingly said "momma, you taught us anything but that." Later she came back and told me she understood and was very sorry. I have made my marriage work and my DH treats me like a queen. My sister on the other hand has married people who treat her much like SF and so she has been married 4 times. Her current DH treats her well and she is happy. 

Momma on the other hand stayed until she died of breast cancer in 2005 (she was only 58). He didn't hold her hand or anything. He walked over to the bed once and said, "if she was an old ewe I would have already shot her." Honestly it haunts me still today and I only pray God didn't let her hear that. 

Don't stay if you are not receiving love and support. Use your lawyer and get what you can but get out now. My bet is that when you are out of this destructive relationship you will shine. You will have more confidence and it will show to the point employers will see it and you will love being on your own and free.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

It concerns me that he wants to take over paying the bills at this point. Seeing that he wants you to sign over the farm and walk away, it sounds like he now wants control of the finances too. I would have said "No" when he said he wanted to pay the bills. I would watch the finances like a hawk. In fact, you probably ought to make copies of your financial docs, investment docs, etc. Watch them every month when the bills come in and look for money that goes missing. Keep the documents somewhere that he doesn't know about and can't get to. With trusted friends or family would be good. 

Has your lawyer given you any good advice about protecting your assets at this stage of the game?


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## grandma12703 (Jan 13, 2011)

I don't claim to be the best one to take advise from but please try to be positive. Hasn't the relationship taken enough from you? You are worth it and I can tell by your posts that you are intelligent. You write well and sounds like you work hard.....hey with those two things alone you can make it on your own. You just have to show potential employers the positive upbeat side of your personality. No one wants a downer working with the public.


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## pumpkinlady (Sep 3, 2003)

I would be worried too about him wanting to take over the bills. He will gain complete control of the finances and you won't know where the money is truely going. If, IF you do let him have complete control of funds I strongly suggest you start squirreling away some cash every week. Even if you only can hide a few dollars from the grocery money he gives you to spend. Nothing wrong with still wanting the marriage to work but you need to protect your future. Been there done that and it was nasty. Don't wish the same on you.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Hire a PI.
Sounds like he has a side dish.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Hire a PI.
> Sounds like he has a side dish.


Think they are in a no fault state he can eat all he wants and don't count against him :smack


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Yep, most places don't really care about the gory details anymore.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Well that's too bad......when a spouse invests their lives in the other, and they choose to break the vows, there should be HUGE consequences.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Well, the vows say a lot of things that many of y'all are advocating the OP throw out the window. Once the vows go out the window and the mud starts flying, the judge pretty much just wants to figure out where to split the baby.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

vicker said:


> Well, the vows say a lot of things that many of y'all are advocating the OP throw out the window. Once the vows go out the window and the mud starts flying, the judge pretty much just wants to figure out where to split the baby.


Yep :awh: Tn. was a fault state and being a public event divorce court was a real eye opener .Jerry Springier comes to mind . :duel:


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

vicker said:


> Well, the vows say a lot of things that many of y'all are advocating the OP throw out the window. Once the vows go out the window and the mud starts flying, the judge pretty much just wants to figure out where to split the baby.


To be fair, Laura is one of the few who _hasn't_ been advocating throwing vows out the window. 


And in Iowa, it's _highly_ unlikely the judge is going to split the family farm, even though she was allowed to buy part of it with her husband and her name is on the deed. That's a pretty common practice, btw. 
Equally common is that judges _don't_ break up a place that's been in the same family for a few generations. I've seen it over and over and over again. 

With a nasty lawyer and a fair judge, you'll get cash and assets to equal the value of the place, but I'll give 10-1 odds you don't get a square inch of the place itself.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

ErinP said:


> To be fair, Laura is one of the few who _hasn't_ been advocating throwing vows out the window. /QUOTE]
> You are right on that point, and Laura I did not mean that post to be pointed at you. I also agree that it is unlikely the judge will split the land. I mean that the judge has to muck through all the mud being slung and make a decision.
> If he's been a family court judge long he has seen all this before and he doesn't enjoy it. He probably lost his soul a long time ago. He will not stick his neck out and will take the easiest way out for him. It is surely an unsavory job. I would try very hard to settle things before that point.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I think the dh is being so mean because HE is trying to convince HIMSELF that he wants out. 
That usually means (usually) there is another woman involved.....and she's sick of waiting for him to pull the trigger. 
He's stuck and not sure what to do.

The OP has to decide what SHE wants to do.
If it's save the marriage.....fall head long into that way of life, and execute it.
If it's give up and walk away......when in rome, do as the romans I guess.

30 years is hard to imagine just throwing down the drain.
I don't care one thing about the tangible stuff.....I am talking 30 years of time and life invested......

The OP has to decide what she can live with for the next 30 years.


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## ceresone (Oct 7, 2005)

"if she was an old ewe I would have already shot her." Somehow, having just lost my darling husband--this is the worse thing I have ever heard on here.......


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## [email protected] (Feb 24, 2005)

Has he been to the doctor lately? His anger at everyone could mean a medical problem. As long as you have been married he would be in his 40's-50's at least. Prime time for hormone shifts just like in women along with other possible physical conditions that could be affecting his personality. after all these years it should be something you check into before giving up.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

[email protected] said:


> Has he been to the doctor lately? His anger at everyone could mean a medical problem. As long as you have been married he would be in his 40's-50's at least. Prime time for hormone shifts just like in women along with other possible physical conditions that could be affecting his personality. after all these years it should be something you check into before giving up.


He's 52. He won't go to a doctor and refuses outside help. I believe it is a combination of things working on him. As I mentioned his mother passing, no chance to reconcile with her, ALS in the family, father passed away at 57 (if I remember correctly), frustrated with job he has been at for over 30 years... and our relationship has taken the brunt of things for the last several years, and is not in the best of places. (obviously)

He has been on low dose blood pressure meds for a over a year. His last medical evaluation, his blood pressure was better than it's been in a while, and he said he wasn't taking it as regularly. He claims the improvement was from finally blowing up at me. Maybe so.

I'm very concerned about him, as are the people around him. But he refuses help, from me our from outside. It is very important to him that he doesn't appear weak or lacking somehow. He is very proud. And once he makes up his mind about something, he will defend it til the death rather than be proved wrong. It's just the way he is.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

ErinP said:


> To be fair, Laura is one of the few who _hasn't_ been advocating throwing vows out the window.
> 
> 
> And in Iowa, it's _highly_ unlikely the judge is going to split the family farm, even though she was allowed to buy part of it with her husband and her name is on the deed. That's a pretty common practice, btw.
> ...


I wouldn't want the property itself. I would like to see it go to my kids some day. If we are not a in this together, there is nothing there for me. However I do think some compensation for what I have contributed to our home and property and life together to help me get started elsewhere shouldn't be too much to ask after all this time invested.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

lickcreek said:


> He's 52. He won't go to a doctor and refuses outside help. I believe it is a combination of things working on him. As I mentioned his mother passing, no chance to reconcile with her, ALS in the family, father passed away at 57 (if I remember correctly), frustrated with job he has been at for over 30 years... and our relationship has taken the brunt of things for the last several years, and is not in the best of places. (obviously)
> 
> He has been on low dose blood pressure meds for a over a year. His last medical evaluation, his blood pressure was better than it's been in a while, and he said he wasn't taking it as regularly. He claims the improvement was from finally blowing up at me. Maybe so.
> 
> I'm very concerned about him, as are the people around him. *But he refuses help, from me our from outside. It is very important to him that he doesn't appear weak or lacking somehow. He is very proud. And once he makes up his mind about something, he will defend it til the death rather than be proved wrong. It's just the way he is*.


Pray, fervently, FAST also......but pray, and get a 'great cloud of witness' (many other Believers) to pray that satan is bound, and off of him.
Pride, is from the evil one. satan is here to kill, lie, and destroy us.
This 'pride' will not only ruin all relationships he will ever have / has ever had, but it will reek havoc on his physical body. 
Ask me how I know......

This man needs intercessory prayer like now. Pray without ceasing.
satan is destroying your husband.
Stand in the gap for him (if he is to proud to pray).
God will reward you.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

grandma12703 said:


> I don't claim to be the best one to take advise from but please try to be positive. Hasn't the relationship taken enough from you? You are worth it and I can tell by your posts that you are intelligent. You write well and sounds like you work hard.....hey with those two things alone you can make it on your own. You just have to show potential employers the positive upbeat side of your personality. No one wants a downer working with the public.


Thanks grandma12703! I appreciate the encouraging words. I AM trying to work on me, and it is hard amongst all the hostility and stress! But I am working on losing weight (30 lbs. down), keeping the house better (because _I_ deserve a better home, as well) walking and exercising more, and even went to the doctor for an evaluation. She has prescribed seratonin (SP?) to help me with depression and anxiety. I've done personality evaluations, and am now aware of how I view things and how I react. I can work on that, and have made a conscious effort.

He says I will stick with this for 3-6 months and go right back where I was before. I don't think so, because this time I'm making changes in me FOR ME. I'm doing things because I want them, not because I think it is what he expects of me. I'm not basing my decisions on what his opinion will be or if he will criticize my efforts. AND I have found a new doctor, and she is really working with me. She listens. That's encouraging.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

lickcreek said:


> *He says I will stick with this for 3-6 months and go right back where I was before.* I don't think so, because this time I'm making changes in me FOR ME. I'm doing things because I want them, not because I think it is what he expects of me. I'm not basing my decisions on what his opinion will be or if he will criticize my efforts. AND I have found a new doctor, and she is really working with me. She listens. That's encouraging.


That is good news.
AT LEAST he noticed.
Fine....no problem. So you have lived a pattern of 'try this or that' for period of time and then gave up.
Ok.
Now is different.
When he says things like this, agree with him. He's right.
Apologize for not realizing the need to change sooner, and that your head and heart are in a different place, that you totally understand WHY he thinks you will give up......but that is not the mindset you have now.
Don't argue.
He's right.
So.......show him different. LIVE different. Love different......

This is encouraging. He noticed.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I think the dh is being so mean because HE is trying to convince HIMSELF that he wants out.
> That usually means (usually) there is another woman involved.....and she's sick of waiting for him to pull the trigger.
> He's stuck and not sure what to do.
> 
> ...


I guess I would like to be prepared for the worst, and hope for the best. Right now we're still tipping towards the worst. 

At this point I am really weighing how what I can continue to live with. If he won't get help, how much should I subject myself to. He is afraid I will revert back. I'm concerned he will never bounce back from where he is without help. It's mentally and physically draining.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

lickcreek said:


> I guess I would like to be prepared for the worst, and hope for the best. Right now we're still tipping towards the worst.
> 
> At this point I am really weighing how what I can continue to live with. If he won't get help, how much should I subject myself to. He is afraid I will revert back. I'm concerned he will never bounce back from where he is without help. It's mentally and physically draining.


It is, I know....
Do you have a support group of friends at a church that can come along side you through this difficult time?
Don't worry about what HE thinks (about you reverting back) THAT is satan trying to convince you that you can't do it.
REBUKE him (satan) and carry on. Don't worry what dh thinks.......if you REALLY are changing, he will see it.....that is all that matters. Not what is said, but what is done, and lived.

Maybe watching you change into the beautiful person God Created you to be (and I don't mean physical beauty either) will soften his heart, melt his pride, and he will seek the help he so desperately needs.......


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## grandma12703 (Jan 13, 2011)

ceresone said:


> "if she was an old ewe I would have already shot her." Somehow, having just lost my darling husband--this is the worse thing I have ever heard on here.......


I live with it everyday and it is not easy. Needless to say following the funeral he has not been allowed in mine or my sisters lives. I am a Christian and I struggle to find a way to forgive and I feel like I have. I will forgive but not forget. I just won't allow negativity into my life again. We also lost my inlaws within two years of momma's passing. They were both in their 80's and had been married 60 plus years. I watched my MIL go first and FIL never left her side. It was so humbling for me to see and I seriously needed that therapy. It was beautiful and the way it should be. Their life was always tough and they struggled financially but they always had each other. They raised 8 kids and although material things were not always there they always had love. 

I read another post where someone talked about a lot of advice from folks on here is to throw the vows out the window. That is NOT what most of us are saying, however he has already done that and I think she has been trying for a long time to make it work. There is just a point that you can't change someone so you need to find yourself.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> It is, I know....
> Do you have a support group of friends at a church that can come along side you through this difficult time?
> Don't worry about what HE thinks (about you reverting back) THAT is satan trying to convince you that you can't do it.
> REBUKE him (satan) and carry on. Don't worry what dh thinks.......if you REALLY are changing, he will see it.....that is all that matters. Not what is said, but what is done, and lived.
> ...


I can only hope so. But I'm not sure how long it is going to take, or if I am strong enough to endure it, I don't have a church affiliation, or many friends who are church goers either. I do believe in prayer though. Maybe it wouldn't be too self-centered if post on here for prayers for him. I've seen it do wonders for others on the board.

I am determined to be a better person, regardless of his condescending, doubtful attitude. In fact, I fully understand it, because I have seen what I thought were changes in him before, too, that were only passing things. I can't fault him for his doubt. It's the anger and confusion and hurtfulness that I have more trouble battling.

Edited to add: I'm going to post for prayers for him. He needs all the support he can get! Thanks for leading me to the idea!


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

I'll continue to pray for both you and your husband, Lickcreek.


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

lickcreek said:


> There is a lot going on in his life, and that is why I was trying to ride the waves. No new medication. He's on blood pressure meds, but only goes to doctor when he needs refills. Pretty sure he hasn't been back since.
> 
> But, his mother passed away in February, he didn't have the greatest relationship with her, although I think he always hoped she would accept him, and now she never will. She died of ALS, which is hereditary (his mother, grandmother, uncle and cousin have all died from it) and I know that bothers him. He is getting close to the age his dad was when he passed away. He wants grandkids and someone to pass things too, and our kids aren't there yet. He keeps prodding them.
> 
> ...


I've been in a situation like yours, we're hanging on and DH is now talking more about what bothers him. You are right that it may have to do with his Mother's death and you're the one left to take his anger out on. 
I wasn't sure how to deal with it all until a fellow HT poster suggested this book:
Boundaries: When to Say Yes or No

I checked the book out at the Library, it made all the difference in the world, because I changed how I dealt with DH's anger and attitude and my own anger and attitude. I'm so much happier now. 
As far as getting counseling for yourself - find a Community Mental Health clinic - if you decide you want to do that. They are non-profit and if they charge you anything, it won't be much it's sliding scale. 

Trying to decide what to do is hard and it needs to be about you figuring out what to do for yourself. You can't make him happy, you can only make you happy. If you decide to leave, it is advisable to get a lawyer. You can get a legal seperation without going through a divorce. By getting an attorney you are protecting your half of the assets that rightly belong to you. Don't let him cheat you out of 29 years worth of marital investment just because he's angry and can't figure out why.

I hope things work out for you. Hang in there!!:grouphug:


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## luvzmybabz (Sep 8, 2008)

If you get mental health help see your therapist for a few meeting and I would not be surprised if they ask to see him. Therapists have a way of asking that would take the blame off him and maybe you could at least see if he truly thinks the fault is your or if you are just convienent. He may truly feel that you are at fault anything, something minor or even sometime you did not even realize you hd offended, and you might get somewhere.


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