# I need help



## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

DS has an attitude problem and I have no idea how to help him fix it. He very much feels the world should revolve around him and he should have thing the way he wants them. This has been a life long struggle (he's almost 13)...when he was little I think I handled things well (but I could pick him up and move him if need be), but the last few years I have let him get to me and I have dished back what he's given me. 

DH can NOT deal with him...he only yells and threatens and truly doesn't want to spend any time with this boy. DH only gets involved once or twice a month....so he's not yell and such at him all the time (but vacation is next week so they will be on top of one another for a week...I see trouble brewing again like last year).

I'm currently trying to ignore him until he speaks to me in a civil tone....but at this rate we could go weeks without talking. I am only speak to him gently...right now that is.....not always the case. Everything he says and does is in a huff with hatred and anger dripping from it.....and yes, homeschooling him is a pain in the back side....he stress me so much that the sight of him tenses me up.

Anyone else ever deal with this?? Find anything that works???


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## KnowOneSpecial (Sep 12, 2010)

So why are you feeding someone so rude to you? 

He's a boy. You need to have clear and concise rules. If you say "talk with respect to me" you need to explain very clearly what that means. My kids know that any child not showing proper respect for me and my Dh will live on "Wish Sandwishes" until they change their tune. (A Wish Sandwich is when you have 2 pieces of bread and you wish you had something to go between them!). For my kids, food is a HUGE motivator. If they do really well, then they get to make brownies or whatever they want-or Mom will make it for them.


Sounds like Jr. might need to do some volunteering at the holeless shelter or a local orphanage. Someplace that's a whole lot worse than home. Of course, I also believe that if you give me a carppy attitude I'll let you deal with carp. There's the barn full of goat, chicken and cow carp. Get shoveling until your attitude is sweet and loving.


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## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

Wish we have some 'carp' he could deal with! DH will not allow food to be used as a teaching tool...I'm tired of going rounds on that one so he's won. Maybe I could just put fish on the menu every day he's rude....he hates fish (but I'm not to found of it either...nor can we afford THAT much fish).


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

Well, as the mom of a son who is older than yours, who went through some of his own unpleasantness, three things come to mind.

1) Things may seem worse than usual right now because of hormones! (...his, not yours. =0) They get that testosterone wash over the brain during puberty, and they get really stressed, like they want to pop or something, and they can assign emotional "reasons" to that feeling that aren't real. So one thing that might help, though it won't solve it, would be to teach him that if he is feeling like a powder keg ready to go off, go get some physical exercise first and see if it goes away. It often does, and they realize they weren't really mad at you in the first place. Also, if they don't recognize what is happening, and they are nasty to you, you can require them to go get some physical exercise, and stay at it till they come back more pleasant. I used to make my son go out and run around the house as fast as he could 10 times. He would come back a different person. 

2) FWIW, my son at that age became a "renter" for a while. He had to work for and earn every priveledge he got... He was told when he wanted to be a family member, and treat everyone in the home like they mattered to him, with the respect they deserved, we could amend the agreement, but if we were the hired help, we were going to get paid. It took less than a week of lots of manual labor to pay for his food and his bed, and being left out of fun family evening activities before he decided it was in his best interest to straighten up. =0) He still lost it sometimes, because that was his habit and he had to learn how to handle his emotions better... but I could see that he was trying and that was all I wanted from him. 

3) I used to make him do his schoolwork outside on the covered porch (in any kind of weather) if he would not control his attitude, explaining that he was not going to ruin the atmosphere of the home for everybody else with his attitude. He was allowed back in when he apologized and chose to be nice. My house, my rules.

4) This one is hard. It is really, really, really important to "get in his boat" so to speak right now - for the sake of everybody in the house, so that it doesn't feel like everybody is living in a battle arena. When they are unpleasant like that it is so hard not to take it personally, and just want to escape it. It sounds like there may be a lot of discipline going on in the house (for very good reason), and he *needs* to be assured by your careful decision to participate with him in something that he loves - a video game or a sport or music or etc..., and by your careful affirmation of any small thing he does right, that you see something of value in him, that you want to be with him as he is. He needs assurance that you see this as something he is going through, not as him being "bad" at his core. Most especially, he needs that from his dad as he is defining manhood and parenthood for himself right now. 

I hope some of this helps... I know this is so hard! FWIW, my son is now almost 17 and he is actually an extremely even tempered and pleasant person now. He got through it. They usually do. =0) teen stuff is so hard - on them, on everybody!

Cindyc. (who has another boy coming into this age soon. YIKES! I think I had more trouble with hormonal stuff with my boys than I did with my girls! I am in the trenches with you! =0)


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## cmharris6002 (Jan 27, 2006)

As a mother of three son's 21, 14, and 12 (and two daughters) I can tell you that Cindy is right on the money! Those are the same principals that help us get through it.

1) We also use running around the house, push-ups etc. My 14 year old runs or bikes for about 45 minutes before school every morning. We count it as PE  And he feels focused and ready to do school when he gets back.

2) Anything and everything he has can be taken away with a chance to earn it back. This works really well with something he can get back after school is finished. Never let them feel like it's going to be hopeless.

3) I always try to talk to them about their good character traits and show them that is proof that they don't need to act up.


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## calicoty (Mar 10, 2008)

I'm dealing with the same types of problems and mine is only 10. I sympathize. Thanks for the advice from the mom's that have been through this...I'm going to try your ideas also. I'm at the end of my rope and mommy is about to run away from home! :run:


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## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

I think exercise might be a big help. He's a "10 pound weakling" and if we can use exercise to help him curb his "energy" it might help. He turns 13 at the end of the year and at that time he will be able to work out in the gym at the Y. Physical exercise have never been an interest for him....no sports, etc. So maybe we can use it as a treat and make it interesting to him (we live in town...no farm chores or animals chores to do). 

Things have been much better today, he's even being helpful and serving others before himself 

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and what has worked for you. I know the next few years will be like rocky road ice cream ... intense with some hard stuff along with the soft and mushy. I appreciate your input...and will print this out so I have it as the months go on!


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## mekasmom (Jan 19, 2010)

A shuzi would help, and so would some minerals. Most kids go through a rebellious stage around puberty. It's just part of their body reacting to all the hormones. You might also try diffusing some lavender around the house. It's calming.


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## wanda1950 (Jan 18, 2009)

Exercise is excellent at this time of life. I have advised mine to go run it off or go into his room & pound the pillow till he felt better. 

If he doesn't have a good understanding of the emotional & physical changes & effects of puberty, a good book on this subject will help him. I grew up with brothers & found this subject easy with my son but I know some Moms & sons are embarrassed. Part of his tension may be that he doesn't understand the changes he's going through.

I know it is nearly impossible but try not to reply in anger--you are modeling behavior for him so try to keep your cool. I am concerned that his dad's anger is something your son is also imitating. I have just walked outside when it felt like too much. Or go take a long bath with the door locked & orders not to be called unless blood is running. Have some little treats!

We avoided a lot of conflict by making as few rules as absolutely needed during adolescence. And by making them as crystal clear as humanely possible. At this age they will get around your rule very logically if you're not very careful. 

It helped us to begin to let our son make the decisions he could make. Even in schooling, he could pick part of his curriculum. It's time--he could be asked to pick that night's supper menu (within what's in the larder) or just what vegetable. Within your budged limitations, he could choose his clothing or part of it. It may make him feel less of a "kid" in the household & less resentful of it. Nobody likes never getting to be the boss. Boys this age want to try out independence & need to--soon he'll have to make all his decisions.

And by gradually allowing more freedom--like letting him take further bike rides or choosing to participate in a club or just have overnights with friends. 

A sport would be great for him. It would burn off some steam & he would make new friends. My son was almost your son's age when he first began to do sports--before that he wanted no part of it. When he met some other homeschoolers who played soccer he got involved & loved it. He also did basketball through a church program & we all had a ball. If you know any kids who play, maybe you could arrange for your son to get together with them. 

I hope it will get better. It is so painful to try so hard & get backtalk & meanness in return. Don't know anyone who has kids who hasn't been there. I don't know how severe your situation is--you might consider counseling, especially if it worsens.


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## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

We are very open with the kids about the physical and mental changes that happen at this age. DH and I have had been very open about such things with each other(I learned allot after we got married!) so it has been very easy to be open with our kids. If this were a new thing, due to hormonal changes (and yes...we see physical changes happening), it would be less of an issues. But this has been going on from birth, but isn't really any worse now then it was 5 yrs ago (I'm bracing for that part of the hormones to kick in!)....so I'm getting rather tired of it.


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## acde (Jul 25, 2011)

teenagers adjusting to new hormones is like a middle aged woman and menopause you have to remember this day to shall pass. I like the thought of giving them something their in charge of and find a way to praise them, everyone likes to feel appreciated makes them strive to do better.


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## KyMama (Jun 15, 2011)

My son used to be like this all the time. It took me a while but I finally figured out it depended on who he was around. Does he have "certain" friends that he is around a lot or family members? When DS was in public school it was a constant battle with his attitude. And even now when he goes to visit family he comes back thinking he is going to act the same way. 

I have sent DS outside to run around the house, literally running laps. I'm sure the neighbors wondered, but it seemed to help when he wasn't playing a sport. 

Nothing in the house belongs to my son, he earns the right to use items, such as the tv, computer and game systems. There is one game in particular that I have to limit his time on or he gets in a horrible mood. I would understand this if it were a violent game, but it's not. It's an online game called Roblox that is a lot like a Lego world. The only conclusion I have about the game is the amount of concentration he puts into it. He will completely block out everything around him when playing it, and his brain can't seem to adjust when he has to quit playing it. I'm sure that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it is the only way I know how to explain it. 

There are days when I feel like running away too. Just know that you aren't alone with your frustrations.


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## krmnandi (Sep 20, 2011)

Roblox made my child act horrible because people can come along and wreck what you're working on, and there are destructive things like guns and bombs. In addition, I just felt like something was not quite right with how he acted while playing. Roblox is not allowed in our home. That said:

Keeping a guy busy is important. Like some of the other posters, I have made my children complete chores for every priveledge like game time and computer time. Our computers are in the dining room, and I look into what they are doing all the time. Homeschool behavior, even with the older kids, is regulated with behavior charts. Green means no problems. Yellow means caution. Red means stop that behavior. The children color their own charts every day. Green means an extra hour of entertainment. Yellow means no change. Red means an hour has been LOST of entertainment. Our kids also write sentences. They work. Writing out something for a punishment is a lot better than having a quick punishment that is converted in some children's minds as payment rendered for a crime. LOL

Does your child have a bedtime?


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## KyMama (Jun 15, 2011)

krmnandi said:


> Roblox made my child act horrible because people can come along and wreck what you're working on, and there are destructive things like guns and bombs. In addition, I just felt like something was not quite right with how he acted while playing. Roblox is not allowed in our home. That said:
> 
> Keeping a guy busy is important. Like some of the other posters, I have made my children complete chores for every priveledge like game time and computer time. Our computers are in the dining room, and I look into what they are doing all the time. Homeschool behavior, even with the older kids, is regulated with behavior charts. Green means no problems. Yellow means caution. Red means stop that behavior. The children color their own charts every day. Green means an extra hour of entertainment. Yellow means no change. Red means an hour has been LOST of entertainment. Our kids also write sentences. They work. Writing out something for a punishment is a lot better than having a quick punishment that is converted in some children's minds as payment rendered for a crime. LOL
> 
> Does your child have a bedtime?


I have greatly restricted how much time is spent on this game. He actually went without it for about 6 months because of his behavior. I wish the game would just disappear. Hmmm, I wonder if I blocked the website if he could figure out what happened to it. Wow, that sounds horrible even to myself, but I think I might try instead of the constant nagging about playing it. 

I would love to hear more and possible see your behavior charts. I have considered similar ideas, but I can't figure out how to put it on paper.


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