# My Crazy MIL calles Social Services on us!!!!!



## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

Told them we were raising our kids as animals. That they were not bathed, etc. Had a dirty house(rotting food everywhere), a cluttered yard, and had goats, chickens, and ducks running loose inside! 

My kids are clean. My home is cluttered but by no means is it dirty. There are no farm animals inside(they are all outside in their pens). I live back off from the main road. So what if my yard does not look like a picture from better homes and gardens. She hates that we have animals. We have a few chickens, few ducks, 2 goats, few pigeons, a pig, 2 dogs, 3 house cats and a few outside that were dropped off my uncaring people...anyone want a cute kitten? We do have a few inside birds and a pet snake(which she really hates), it is a Kenyan sand Boa. They stay small. 
MIL is never asked over here. She would not sell my DH part of his family's land so we moved. She instead gave said land to his younger brother. So we feel no need to allow her here. We were letting her see the kids whenever she wanted but she has lost that now.

What Ya'll do about a crazy MIL like this?


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

Buy her a carton of smokes, a bottle of liquor and a fast car on a rainy night on a curvy road...??? One of those has to get her at some point.
I would stop answering the phone and put up a gate and skip the family Christmas.
And spend the day cleaning up and baking banana bread for the social worker!


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

The worker came yesterday. Looked around and said other than the clutter in the house everything was fine. She will be back in two weeks to see the clutter gone. Believe me on that.


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## MorningGlory (Feb 20, 2008)

Sue her for slander and emotional trauma. I would in a heartbeat, just to let her know that your relationship is over with a capital O.

But then again, I am a vengeful person when someone messes with my family. May the Lord have mercy on my sinful soul.


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## Pam6 (Apr 9, 2009)

All I can say is WOW!! That woman has got some nerve!! 
Did Social Services come already? Or did MIL just tell you that she called them? I did not think Social Services could tell you who turned you in? 
If SS did come what did they say?
I had my sister's three kids for two years...her favorite game was to call and turn ME into SS two weeks before every court date...like the once a month face to face visits were not enough!


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## Pam6 (Apr 9, 2009)

The clutter!! You are kidding me right?? They can not take your kids away...or do anything to you for that matter...for clutter!!


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## TexasArtist (May 4, 2003)

Can ya turn her in for making a phoney phone call/report with out any grounds to stand on? I know the s.w. was just doing their job but sounds like the mil was just trying to make some trouble for some reason. Make her explain why she made a phoney phone call to the authorities.

Hope things improve for ya.


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## Pam6 (Apr 9, 2009)

Wind in Her Hair said:


> clutter? I'm curious what constitutes clutter? Officially - I mean. :shrug:


I took foster parenting classes and it was not considered 'clutter' a couple of years ago....It was a different standard of living!


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## barnyardfun (Mar 26, 2005)

I so feel for you! That is a terrible situation to be in. 

I am holding my breath and just waiting for the day that they knock on my door. But in my case it will be my own parents. We are not on speaking terms for many different reasons. The last blowup was because they told me I didn't love my children because if I did I would keep a clean house. Little info......this fight came up just a couple weeks after I BROKE my ankle (aka I CAN'T WALK, 3 screws and a plate!) and the house was getting messy. They thought my DH should be able to do all of it and that he was just scum of the earth if he couldn't figure out how to keep up with it (we own a 6 house poultry farm AND he owns his own mechanic shop! The man stays busy!)

The last few weeks have been peaceful ones without them breathing down my neck. BUT like I said......I am still worried about what other tricks they have up their sleeves.

Am I too old to divorce my parents!?:angel:


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## barnyardfun (Mar 26, 2005)

Wind in Her Hair said:


> I'm still confused -
> 
> what constitutes "clutter" specifically?
> 
> Lairvine, what specifically did the case worker call "clutter" and order the removal of?


Well the definition is...

A confused or disordered state or collection; a jumble

But I am sure you knew that! 

I would sure think everyone would have a different opinion of clutter.

My DH's grandma started collecting knick knacks when her DH died. By the time I came along there wasn't a bare spot on the walls or tables because there was so many knick knacks. Me, I see clutter. Her, she thought it was beautiful.:shrug:


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Ok I have a MIL just as Bad if not worse.Me and my wife had nothing to do with her after she stole my SIL kids.

Started having some of a relationship with her for awhile when she showed up like nothing had happen.Then me and her got into it again told her I would never darken her doorway again,my wife talks to her every so often but not like she use to.

If at all possible I would see about having a Lawyer on hand just to be on the safe side concering your kids.And I guess you know it will take awhile to be completly clear of the system since she has put you in it.

big rockpile


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## Jay (Feb 5, 2008)

SS has to check anytime a call is made. (My sis was a SS worker a few years back....I've not had to deal with them personally.)

Best way to deal with it: make them happy and they'll leave you alone. Then when she (or if anyone else calls) they'll roll their eyes, but have to come back again and do a follow-up. It's procedure, that's all. 
Just make sure you're "compliant" on what they want you to do. It's the best/easiest way to make them go away! 

As for your MIL ignore her. That'll get her goat worse than anything else. Don't let her know how much it ticked you off. 
(Reverse psychology)
She doesn't get to hear how much it bothers you and she'll drive herself bonkers wondering! (and get SS ticked off at her when she calls and wants to know what's going on. They can't say too much to her--confidentiality!)


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## mpillow (Jan 24, 2003)

Sounds like the only non useful things hanging around (AKA clutter) are your MIL and the social worker...

Do yourself a favor....don't clean your house too terribly much for the social worker, this is your life and they don't get to run it.


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

Well, she started by getting with her sister and sending us an anonymous letter in the mail saying all those things and that we had better get rid of all our animals, clean up our yard or they would call SS. The letter was dated... by them just 3 days after they found out that we had a snake.. that we had had for months. They signed the letter from your friends and neighbors... ok if it had been our neighbors they would have been complaining about our noisiest animal... our pig. My MIL does not know we have her. We called her up to confront her about the letter. She swore for two days that she did not know anything about it. Sunday 7-26-09, she admitted to getting her sister to type it. Monday morning a social worker came. They were called on Friday just before closing. All that was in the letter was the same complaint they received. 
As far as clutter is is mostly kid stuff toys, coloring books, etc. 
We live in an old 60's singlewide. We have very little storage. Our kids are 5 and 1. My DH and I both have very bad back pain, and are trying to get something done about it. He works very hard and has a heatstroke on June 30th of this year. He was in the hospital for that. We are not going to kill ourselves to keep the yard up in this heat right now. 

I have help come for the yard though.


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

WIHH:

The reason you don't know the definition of clutter is that it's never been in your house....I've seen pics, girl, you are a minimalist and super tidy.

When we had the fires, the sw came around because of the clutter on our porches. There were a lot of children's items because my gilrs are now teans and we were decluttering their rooms and sorting things to go to the trash, to younger kids we know, or to the thrift shop.

Once the sw determined that the kids involved were in high school and should be doing their own cleaning, she signed us off. I didn't tell the kids though and they are still cleaning thinking she could come back at any time :banana02:

The sw told my kids that the only reason they would remove someone their age from the home is if it seemed they would be dead if left there another 24 hours. My kids needed to hear this as my ex has drilled into them that the mother is the only one who should have to do housework and is there to wait on the children and their needs. My oldest thought she could blackmail me into signing emancipation papers if social services saw that I was not keeping Better Homes & Garden standards (I commute 1.5 hours one way and work fulltime, have arthritis and Sjogren's Syndrom, am pushing 60, and inherited no DNA from Martha Stewart!) The sw set my bratty teen straight and things have improved considerably since then.


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## Wisconsin Ann (Feb 27, 2007)

One of the women I used to supervise had a visit from Social Services and the word "clutter" was used. At that time (this is about 10 years now) the worker was referring to the masses of STUFF on all the horizontal surfaces. Dirt and Filth are something else. The Clutter was dangerous...fire hazard, toppling on the kids, etc. From what I remember hearing from this lady, they Social Services Worker felt that "clutter" could lead to "filth"..which is hazardous and grounds to remove the kids.


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## Pam6 (Apr 9, 2009)

Ugh!! This just makes me hot under the collar! I would be so upset with MIL!! You are handling this better than me by the sounds of it...and it did not even happen to me! 
I don't understand why the SW has any grounds to come back based on toys on the floor....a kid has got to have toys to play with and they naturally go EVERYWHERE!! I have 6 kids (and I am not the neatest of house keepers) and we have that kind of clutter everywhere!


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## Guest (Jul 28, 2009)

I'm here in Caswell county, NC (soon to be famous for our terrorist training camp that got busted yesterday!) I try my best to stay away from any and all government agencies. But, if you're getting any heat from the social services dept, I'd ask them a lot of questions. As long as you don't get belligerent, they should answer you. For instance, I understand that its within the SS power to prosecute somebody making a false accusation. I know this is true here in this county. If they feel that you are struggling, they should offer you assistance.


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

My DH and I are both livid. She does not know what a can of worms she has opened. She will not see either of the kids again. 
You have got to consider that this is a very crazy person, when my oldest did go there to stay with him she would give him atleast 2 baths a day if he went outside she would give him another when he came back in. Can we say OCD? Oh.. she also had the sw tell us to make sure the kids wore shoes when they go outside....


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## Sumer (May 24, 2003)

Well she might as well have written a signed letter stating how she never wants you to let her see the kids ever again, didnt she?


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## Pam6 (Apr 9, 2009)

And the SW told you the kids had to wear shoes? Or SW was just telling you what MIL said?


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

Sumer said:


> Well she might as well have written a signed letter stating how she never wants you to let her see the kids ever again, didnt she?


Yep, exactly.


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

Pam6 said:


> And the SW told you the kids had to wear shoes? Or SW was just telling you what MIL said?


That was in the complaint... that I did not make my kids wear shoes.
My DH said she would never let him or his brother go barefoot anytime except in the shower/bath.


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## Pam6 (Apr 9, 2009)

I would wear myself out trying to make my kids wear shoes!


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## Sumer (May 24, 2003)

Lairvine said:


> Yep, exactly.


Then call it what it is. To any family members that question you. She wrote a letter saying she never wants to see the kids again!

Oh & good luck with the SS. I hope it all works out ok.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

I worked for Social Services once as a Homemaker. As you know, they are required to visit a home within 24 hours of a call coming in. The workers are very well versed in being used as an intimidation tactic and vengance calls. They really get tired of running out to people's houses on trumped up charges of child neglect and filth.

As for clutter, it may be the SS worker's way of reporting everything is fine, that the original caller overstated a problem (i.e., there is a pet snake in the house = danger; toys left out or dishes not yet washed = filth). Clutter can cause a fire hazard, trash can cause a fire hazard and injury hazard. Some people keep things picked up but never wash a surface. The fact that she is required to make a second visit is probably just standard protocol.

If a worker comes out on another call, after you've forbidden MIL from visiting, make mention that she has been barred from the house and hasn't been to your place or visited the children since July of 2009. This will give the agency reason to understand the vengence angle, and they may even charge her with false reporting. However, one doesn't need to give their name when reporting, so the agency may not be able to do anything except keep visiting you. If that happens, don't get mad, just understand that they don't like wasting their time any more than you do.


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## GrannyG (Mar 26, 2005)

I would draw a line in the sand and tell her to stay on her side...I would cut off all contact with her, I would not even speak to her and be sure you have caller ID on your phone......I would return any letters she sent....return to sender...What a bum deal you got !


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

Never mind the report to social services...I wouldn't want my kids around someone that made them wear shoes everwhere but the shower (come to think of it, our shower is probably the one place they should wear shoes:sing.

Kids need to be kids...grandma needs an enema.


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## Wisconsin Ann (Feb 27, 2007)

I bet Social Services gets lots of calls like this. I really do feel sorry for them. They walk into a situation that they can't avoid, under the law...the parents are going to be ticked off, and the letter writer isn't going to stop writing letters....

I can almost hear the conversation at the desk "geez...we got ANOTHER letter from that wacko about the kids and no shoes over on Jefferson street. Now I have to go check again. Oh well. The mom makes really good cookies  "

Unfortunately, all it takes is for ONE of the kids to be having a bad day...or to have a black eye or bruises from a bike accident....and then the fat is in the fire


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## Peacock (Apr 12, 2006)

Thanks, WIHH! After your "confession" I feel much less nutty, and I now have a new definition of "clean" that suits my lifestyle just fine: "clean for a zoo!"  

Lairvine, I wouldn't worry so much. Some people just think anyone who lives in a trailer must be trash. So MIL doesn't approve of your lifestyle - you can't please everyone. But I echo what others have said - what is your DH doing about this? Is he taking it all as personally as you are, and helping out? Talking to the witch?

I used to live in one of those late 60's singlewides myself. 10' x 60'. That was before kids, but I think we could've managed. It was small, but kind of cozy.


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## nodak3 (Feb 5, 2003)

No idea what is really going on here, so just playing devil's advocate for a moment.

Isn't it a little strange that since grandma and grandpa owned some land and refused to sell it to the op and her husband they were no longer invited over?
Wouldn't whatever they do with THEIR property be THEIR business?

And aren't there parts of the country where barefoot outside=hookworm?

Would ss really come back and relook at "clutter"?

I'm thinking that we are getting only part of the story.

Which is natural. It is how we all see the world.

It sounds to me like TWO resentful families playing tit for tat.

Or could be.


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

The main thing is to make sure the report ends up as "unfounded" otherwise you'll remain on the registry.

I used to work for the county attorney and we received a copy of all child abuse investigation reports. I still remember one where the worker reported feces in the bathroom, urine soaked mattresses on the floor serving as beds, spoiled food in the kitchen, and other filth in the house BUT the kids were not removed. There was even a sexual abuse case where the child remained in the home. 

On the other hand I've heard of many cases where kids were yanked out for virtually nothing so I'd not mess around with DHS.


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## barnyardfun (Mar 26, 2005)

Pam6 said:


> I would wear myself out trying to make my kids wear shoes!


Same here! Half the time we can't even FIND shoes!


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

We went through something very similar with DH's folks about 9 years ago.

Both are good people and love their family. But both are very controlling and have to have _their_ way. This was _very_ hard for us.

DS was 6 months old at the time and teething (ie, fussy). We'd gone to DH's great grandmother's funeral so it was also a really weird schedule he was trying to adapt to. DS spent most of the weekend grumpy and crying. And nursing, since most nursing moms will tell you that's the cure-all for any child calamity. 

The second day we were there, going home the next, DH's parents cornered us and said that because DS was small (he was in the 5th percentile since about his second week of life), and crabby, that he must be starving. And that DH should "ignore what _she_ says (me) and give that poor baby a bottle." We were also told that we fed our dogs better than we did our baby.
They even physically grabbed DH since he was failing to see reason. His mother literally ripped the shirt off his back when he was getting away from them. Neither of us raised our voices, said anything mean, or anything that could be construed as confrontational, but we didn't do as we were told either. Instead, we left. 

DH had to pull of the highway so he could cry. Big, heart-breaking sobs. I still tear up thinking about it... They broke his heart.
For years I _hated_ them for what they'd done to him.


The day after we got home, the social worker and a deputy sheriff were at our front door. The social worker said she'd gotten a call about a malnourished baby and so I had to explain the entire scene all over again while the sheriff paced in front of my TV.
She took careful notes and said she'd be back in a week. 


As soon as they left I called my dad/lawyer. He told me the deputy had been there to _hold me down_ so she could take my son if needs be!
Then he started telling me my course of action. 

Get letters from every physician who had ever seen our son (fortunately, he'd had all of his well-baby checks, including the six month one the week prior) and fax them to the SW. Get letters from friends and neighbors who can speak not only to our son's feeding habits, but also to his general demeanor and fax those, also. Basically, the SW needed to be inundated with claims to the opposite of the anonymous call. 
I did all of that. 

By the time the SW came back the next week for the follow up she had a file full of letters on our behalf. She said it was fairly obvious the original caller (of course, she couldn't tell me who it was) had had an ax to grind. I was assured this record would be completely pitched and advised that, "sometimes it's best just to avoid caustic people like that." 
Ie, if you want to keep SS visits at bay, don't fraternize with your in-laws.



We didn't even _speak_ to them for about four years. They completely missed the birth of DD two years behind her brother. We sent Xmas cards and that was it. We saw them briefly at another funeral about five years after the event, and had supper together, but that was it. 
MIL wanted to take the kids shopping while FIL sat at the restaurant for a while and talked to just us. DH must have been misunderstanding because he thought that would be fine.
I was very nicely, but very firmly saying I didn't think that was a good idea and that we wanted the kids to stay with us. 
"Oh! You wanted them by yourself? Oh. No. I don't think so. I thought we were _all_ going." And that settled that. 
We took a family trip to WalMart. The kids picked out their Xmas presents and we didn't see his folks again for another year or two. 

But in the past three or four years, DH and FIL have been chatting on the phone. Just small talk for the most part, but as time passed, they got more and more personal. Talking about the kids and how they're growing. 
Since FIL is an over the road truck driver, we've met him for dinner a few times when he was passing through. We saw both of them at a sis in law's house for an afternoon about a year ago... 
Slowly but surely, we're rebuilding the relationship, but it will never been okay.

Now at 9 and 7, if you were to talk to my kids about Grandma and Grandpa, they immediately think of _my_ parents. DH's folks are Grandma Vicki and Grandpa Alvin. Which is actually progress. Just a couple of years ago and they would have told you they only had one set of grandparents. 

I feel badly for what they've missed. Both my in-laws and well as my kids. But at the same time, the safety of my children was far too important to risk for my in-laws' stubborn, know-it-all pride.


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## Kstornado11 (Mar 17, 2006)

I had a family member call SS on me once,and the main charge? " It says here that you have goats." I took her over to the window,pointed,and said,"Yes,there they are in their pen!" We had 2 baby pygmy goats in a huge pen. She really loved the brooder full of baby chicks in the living room,too, said they were adorable as were the pygmies.It was in the middle of an ice storm,and she had to slide down the front steps holding on to a shovel on her bottom,and literally skate back to her car! Lucky she didn't break her neck,the yard was solid ice.
She even told me she really thought it was a vengence call when she read the report. My sister was angry w/ me as I had made a comment that her teen daughters dressed too provocatively.
I really think that when these kinds of things are reported and proven to be false claims,you really should be allowed to be told who turned you in. It's not fair to have to go thru the embarrassment & hassle,and the person who turns you in just gets a perverse little kick out of it. Good thing I believe "what comes around goes around",karma,& all that. I don't blame the OP one bit for keeping the MIL out of her life in the future.


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## Patty0315 (Feb 1, 2004)

Sorry for your trouble . hide the clutter get them to leave you alone and dont speak to the MIL anymore.

Good luck and I am sorry you are going thru this .

Patty


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Pam6 said:


> I would wear myself out trying to make my kids wear shoes!


BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! You're joking. Shoes?

I'm going to be forty this year. It's only been in the last nine months that I've worn anything on my feet with any consistency, and that only happened because I wiped out in the hallway with a full laundry basket and DH insisted I wear some supportive footwear! 

Honestly, SHOES are a reason to take your kids from you? <snort>

She must be insane.

I've done the wild and woolly MIL dance.... the ONLY way to live your life with anything approaching normalcy is to refuse to allow them to affect you. I drew my line in the sand after fifteen years of taking it on the chin and turning the other cheek, and now, we have a very clear mutual understanding. Life is good


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## godsgirl (Apr 1, 2007)

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. My ex- mother in law is about as crazy as yours is. When I was at my hearing getting a restraining order against my hunsband (now ex) she got on the stand and said that I was a horrible mom and that i was crazy, when the judge asked her why I was crazy she said because in the summer I would not sleep with my windows open  ohh and that was because we lived in a bad part of town and we didn't even have screens.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

nodak3 said:


> Would ss really come back and relook at "clutter"?
> 
> I'm thinking that we are getting only part of the story.
> 
> ...



Yes in places SS will .
A ex Gf of mine lives in Glenveiw IL (multi million dollar houses neighborhood) she was put on probation for filth.
Ive been in the house many times it will usually past a white glove test.
Her full time maid keeps it that way.
But her daughter's short haired dog had shed a little in her room and there was some clutter in the kids room.:shrug:

But I agree its two familes at war , both with what they see as good reasons.:bazooka:


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

nodak3 *Play it all you like, here are my answers.*No idea what is really going on here, so just playing devil's advocate for a moment.

Isn't it a little strange that since grandma and grandpa owned some land and refused to sell it to the op and her husband they were no longer invited over? *My DH's father had died a year prior and his Grandmother had died a few months before he asked his egg-donor about the property, the "family property" consisted of about an acre of land with a 2 story house out front with a singlewide out back. He grew up in the trailer with his parents and brother. His mother was moving into the house out front with his younger brother. He offered to buy it but she said he could not separate the property into two pieces, and that if she did do it my DH would have to pay his brother half the value of the property. That would have been fine with us. We later found out that she did in fact separate the property and gave the piece to his brother. His brother is a mama's boy and my DH was like his father. DH's egg-donor and brother have since wiped every trace of my FIL off the property they can. *
Wouldn't whatever they do with THEIR property be THEIR business? *Yes but she should have been honest and upfront about it. We have been, ie; No Trespassing signs and telling certain one they are not welcome on our property. *

And aren't there parts of the country where barefoot outside=hookworm?
*I am sure there are, as well as anything and everything else. I love going barefoot, I was wearing shoes the day I was bitten by a copperhead.*
Would ss really come back and relook at "clutter"? *They have to make a second visit. Just like they have to come out when an allegation is made.*

I'm thinking that we are getting only part of the story.

Which is natural. It is how we all see the world.

It sounds to me like TWO resentful families playing tit for tat.

Or could be.

*Also, as another poster spoke of breastfeeding, I am breastfeeding my 1 year old. My MIL hates that. She claims I only did it to keep the baby from her. Her new Dh's youngest daughter started out breastfeeding her daughter but my MIL convinced her to stop, because it was not natural and was disgusting. She tried all that with me but it did not make a difference as my son could not tolerate ANY formula, his pediatrition told me I had two choices, pump or go natural.*


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## dbarjacres (Feb 2, 2004)

What a bad situation. Is it illegal to SSS on inlaws? joking

WIHH, OMG, I WISH I was your child back then!


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## farmmom (Jan 4, 2009)

Lairvine, it cracks me up when someone says that breastfeeding is unnatural. I'm sorry, breasts make milk, bottles don't. Doesn't that mean that is what nature intended?! My MIL also tried to get me to stop breastfeeding. Didn't work. I weaned ds on his first birthday.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I have been half expecting the same thing from my MIL since the death of my husband. I have been threatened with a suit for visitation rights because I "won't let them see the kids", when they never call to see the kids. BTW, grandparents don't have visitation rights in SC.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

Wow, in this area SS can come to your house all they want but you dont have to let them in or cooperate at all without a court order. They make all kinds of noise and go to the schools etc. but unless there is some compelling reason for a judge to grant a court order they are actually pretty powerless.

If someone came into my house and said they would be back to check on clutter I would kick them out and not let them back.


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

My Lord, I just got a call from her a few min. ago wanting for my oldest to come over for supper because they are going out of town for awhile!!! 
Umm No! Then she call me a bunch of things that have no place on this forum. I honestly can not believe that she had the nerve to call and ask this. Talk about crazy.


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## Peacock (Apr 12, 2006)

farmmom said:


> Lairvine, it cracks me up when someone says that breastfeeding is unnatural. I'm sorry, breasts make milk, bottles don't. Doesn't that mean that is what nature intended?! My MIL also tried to get me to stop breastfeeding. Didn't work. I weaned ds on his first birthday.


Breastfeeding always seemed like a no-brainer to me. Not easy, mind you, but an easy decision. I had been warned, but was still really shocked by the way people reacted to it. I absolutely could not believe how hard our friends and relatives worked to convince me that I was doing the wrong thing.

I was unsuccessful with my daughter for various reasons. But I managed to BF my son for 2 1/2 years. I will never forget the FIT that my FIL pitched about it during one visit. Totally floored me. 

I knew already that they disapproved, particularly my MIL. So, in order to not offend her while we visited, I brought a bottle of expressed breast milk. When we fed it to the baby, who was about 3 months old at the time, my FIL said it didn't look like milk. Too thin, he said. 

I said it was just fine, promise. But oh no, he said I was starving my baby and tried to enlist my husband to help him. He can be very belittling and nasty when he wants to be. Said the baby must not like it, because he didn't want to drink it - duh, of course, he wasn't used to a bottle. Said that I seemed to have enough fat on me, surely there should be more of it in that milk. That's NOT milk, he said, over and over, then went to his fridge and took out a half-gallon jug of Vitamin D. THIS IS MILK, he shouted, sloshing it around. 

I went out to the car, with the baby, leaving my daughter and DH to deal with it. DH said he told him that even bottlefed babies didn't drink milk anyway, they drank formula, and that he had confidence that I knew what I was doing, that I was a great mom. Tried to get me to come back in but I wouldn't. We left.

Well, he convinced me to let that pass -- and I guess we have a decent relationship now (MIL has since passed away) as long as I don't expect much of anything positive from him. He also doesn't give the kids birthday gifts and might as well not do Christmas either, but at least he's not abusive. 

At one point he made a big payment on our mortgage and then tried to tell us how we should spend OUR money - DH told him that we could make our own decisions and if he didn't like it, we would find a way to pay him back (kind of hard to give money back when it's been used that way, short of taking a home equity loan). So he dropped it and ended up doing it again a few years later, no strings attached.

I complain... but I hope to God that I am not a controlling mom or MIL when my kids get to that point! I feel sorry for them, kinda. I'm sure they mean well; wanting to help grandkids and feeling helpless must make some of them crazy.


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## Jenn (Nov 9, 2004)

1. When DD8 was dehydrated at a week old because my milk hadn't come in they did a visit on us. Scariest thing was leaving the SW to talk alone with DD16- 7 at the time. We were cleared of all concerns, but I understand they had to be sure. Still at least I didn't have the anger at 'who dared call SS about us?!?' issues going on for you.

2. Love MIL dearly but she is a neurotic German housewife and after staying 10 days with her I bless her for the days she has stayed in my messy home. (Now they get a hotel.) In that visit she was yelling at me when I wanted to add a bag of chips or grapes (and pay for it as well- money was NOT the concern) that they did not have room in their pantry/fridge for any extra food and that the meals were set. So no comfort food or additions by me for me and my poor kids stuck 10 days away from our own home and kitchen allowed. 

I think it was reorganizing my overstocked, homesteading, hoarding for shortages at the commissary, pantry (with evidence of cockroaches no doubt) last Xmas that has added to her paranoia of letting me bring anything in to her kitchen. Still I was hurt last weekend when I showed off a tomato and peach from the garden to DH (last video conference before he flew off to Iraq this week, from their area where he's been away training) and she questioned DD16 "Have you eaten any of your mom's peaches? Do they taste any good?"


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## Peacock (Apr 12, 2006)

Lairvine said:


> My Lord, I just got a call from her a few min. ago wanting for my oldest to come over for supper because they are going out of town for awhile!!!
> Umm No! Then she call me a bunch of things that have no place on this forum. I honestly can not believe that she had the nerve to call and ask this. Talk about crazy.


Perhaps she had the notion to take your oldest with her?!


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## gina kay (Sep 12, 2007)

Years ago we were stationed in Germany with the Army. Dd was in speech therapy and for some reason someone from social services came out for a home check (I believe had something to do with my ex being controlling). Dh made sure there were nothing out of place, no toys on the floor, etc, and blinds lowered. Lady put in her notes, that I read in dd's mediical chart when we picked it up for our PCS, that house was too spotless and noted the fact there were no toys out to be played with and all blinds shut. Kids were 4yrs and 1 yr. Heck, I grew up barefoot and still prefer it unless I'm going into the coops. Also, I've seen a few daytime court shows where young ladies/mothers play the "you called CPS on me so I'll call them on you" and the "you stole my boyfriend so I called CPS on you" games. How immature.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I don't know if you would call this clutter. We went once to talk to a couple about renting some of their land for our cattle (my dad's). It was the most amazing sight walking into their front door. The place was completely covered by dolls. Beautiful dolls of all sizes in all kinds of beautiful dresses. But they were everywhere. The den, living room and bedrooms were completely full of them. You just had enough room to walk along a path amongst them to get from room to room and to the couch, chair and beds. There were some in the other rooms but nothing like the above ones I mentioned. The lady was so proud of them. And they were very pretty but soooo many. Clutter?

And animals we've had living in our home besides the standard dogs and cats were a pet bird, a pet rabbit, a pet pig and a pet deer. They were all such sweet pets


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## tiffnzacsmom (Jan 26, 2006)

Ummm, why did you answer the phone? If you don't have caller ID, do you have an answering machine that you can hear the message and pick up if you chose? When I first left my husband any calls from his sister went to voice mail.


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## barnyardfun (Mar 26, 2005)

My first round with my parents (many of you will remember the problems with my daughter) I had all my numbers changed. All but my DH's....they wouldn't dare call him anyway! The only time they have anything to say to me is when they can corner me alone and know that my hubby isn't there to help me. They are really good at belittling me and making me question every decision I make in life so DH doesn't feel comfortable leaving me alone. Guess none of that matters now since they have since told me that they have disowned me!:banana02:


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## barnyardfun (Mar 26, 2005)

Oh, I also ment to add that I KNOW that my mom reads my blog so I make sure to make it EXTRA cheerful! Life is just grand here on Faith Farms!:sing:


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## Country Lady (Oct 2, 2003)

nodak3 said:


> No idea what is really going on here, so just playing devil's advocate for a moment.
> 
> Isn't it a little strange that since grandma and grandpa owned some land and refused to sell it to the op and her husband they were no longer invited over?
> Wouldn't whatever they do with THEIR property be THEIR business?
> ...


I'm inclined to agree with the above poster. There's always two sides to a situation and usually the one screaming the loudest is more at fault. I know different people look at snakes differently, but to me a snake is a snake is a snake. There's absolutely no way I'd have one in my house under any circumstances, and I'd practically have cardiac arrest if I knew my grandchild was in a house with one. Now I know MILs can be difficult to live with. I had one that was difficult, but let's remember we haven't heard her side.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Here is a site dedicated to crazy MIL's!

http://motherinlawhell.com/

A long time ago a neighbor reported me because my DS told her I didn't allow him in the house. Truth being, we told him not to keep running and out of the house because every fly followed him in.

The social worker came and we talked.

Later that week the neighbor asked me if I was angry with her. I told her that my parents brought me up not to be angry at the mentally ill.

Al lshe had had to do is talk to be about the situation.

I never spoke to her again!


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## Simpler Times (Nov 4, 2002)

WIHH you certainly add a little levity to a grim thread! Thanks for that. Lairvine, I really, really hate the situation you are in. Unfortunately, I've been on both sides of the equation....I've lived through an overbearing mother (not even MIL) who thought that EVERYTHING I did with my child was wrong but I have also lived through the grandparent end of family disruptions. As much as I resented and was DEEPLY HURT BY my mother's interference in the way I raised my child, I know just how much her relationship with my child meant to both of them. I also know how much my grandchildren mean to me. I have never, and will never, interfere in my daughter's family yet there have been many times when my daughter has lashed out at me because of something that I had said or done without any intent to interfere or to criticize. Although my daughter has never actually threatened it (because she knows in her heart just how much the grandchildren mean to me and how much I mean to them), her emotions can be so intense at times that I have been scared to death of the possibility of not being allowed to see my grandchildren. I believe in my heart that she is this way BECAUSE of the problems I had with my own mother in regard to raising her. My point is that the problems we had a long long time ago are still causing problems today some thirty years later. Please, please try to refuse to just let your MIL cause you those types of problems. What she has done is unimaginable and inexcusible but, at the same time, harboring a grudge and refusing to let her see your children will cause you and them problems for the rest of your lives. I so understand the other poster's comment about her husband having to pull off the road to cry after an encounter with his parents. I've been there many many times as a young mother but I have also had to pull off the road as a grandparent and cry my eyes out. Please pray about this and reconsider. You can be a bigger person than your MIL and you and your children will ultimately benefit from that. Ask yourself something, for all of the OCD things your mil did to your husband while he was growing up, does he love her? Do your children love her? As misguided as she obviously is, she is doing what she is doing because she loves her son and her grandchildren. Maybe she resents you and that resentment has absolutely no justification but she still loves your children and your husband. Please let them benefit as they can from that love and just work to ignore whatever she does to get at you. In one sense, you could gain satisfaction from doing just that because if she is really acting because she dislikes you you would be proving yourself to be the better person. I'll be praying for all of you...especially for your children.


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

Country Lady said:


> I'm inclined to agree with the above poster. There's always two sides to a situation and usually the one screaming the loudest is more at fault. I know different people look at snakes differently, but to me a snake is a snake is a snake. There's absolutely no way I'd have one in my house under any circumstances, and I'd practically have cardiac arrest if I knew my grandchild was in a house with one. Now I know MILs can be difficult to live with. I had one that was difficult, but let's remember we haven't heard her side.


Alright, you don't like snakes. Surely you wouldn't call social services over such a thing, and jeopardize your grandchild's home life? I don't like pet rodents. I still wouldn't flip, that's their life, their child. I'd probably pat the gerbil and tell the child it's sweet (and then go scrub my hands for seven hours). 

I have talked to mothers who have had their MIL's call SS in pure. unadulterated. spite. It happens. 


You call SS over things like unfed, unwashed children. Actual abuse or neglect. Not because someone isn't doing things the way YOU WOULD, even if you consider their ways inferior. To call over petty things is cruelty to children. 

BTW, you don't have to let a social worker speak to your child alone. As I understand, you can insist on being there or having, say, the child's doctor there. Course, you may choose to go with the flow if you wind up with a rational person as the caseworker, just sayin'.

I had a woman threaten me with CPS while I was still pregnant. I keep her at arm's length now and always will, and she cries and bemoans my "coldness". 

You don't threaten people witht he custody of their babies. If you do, you are going to reap some severe consequences.


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

By the way, WIHH? A _heron_?

Yes, that's what shocks me, the heron. Evrything else, eh. But birds are loud and messy when of the parakeet size... a heron? 
Do tell.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

jen74145 said:


> Alright, you don't like snakes. Surely you wouldn't call social services over such a thing, and jeopardize your grandchild's home life? I don't like pet rodents. I still wouldn't flip, that's their life, their child. I'd probably pat the gerbil and tell the child it's sweet (and then go scrub my hands for seven hours).
> 
> I have talked to mothers who have had their MIL's call SS in pure. unadulterated. spite. It happens.
> 
> ...


EXACTLY what I was thinking. 
Disagreement is one thing. Being unsatisfied with what your DIL is doing is normal. And yes, there are always two sides to every story.

But trying to get a child removed from their home because it's so unsafe?!?! (because let's not forget, that's what calling in Child _Protective_ Services is ultimately for)
That's just _way_ beyond the realm of normal disagreement. 

You do _not_ try to have someone's babies taken away unless the situation is truly _dire_!


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

WIHH, I'm under the impression you don't own any animals now - am I correct in that assumption? I've always enjoyed seeing pics of your place, it is a lovely home, but I've never seen any indoor animals in the pics or seen you speak of any.

We've had tons of animals in the house in the past, but as we get older hubby has requested that we downsize. I don't have a problem with this as I don't have the energy to care for and clean for several animals anymore. We've not gotten rid of any, but as they have aged and passed away we haven't taken in anymore. Our goal is to only own 1 or 2 dogs by the time we're in our late 60's. Maybe 1 cat too. I just can't see ever having no animals at all - I would be sad without their companionship!


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## Tricky Grama (Oct 7, 2006)

MorningGlory said:


> Sue her for slander and emotional trauma. I would in a heartbeat, just to let her know that your relationship is over with a capital O.
> 
> But then again, I am a vengeful person when someone messes with my family. May the Lord have mercy on my sinful soul.


If you're a sinful soul for protecting your family then move over for me too!

Patty


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## Tricky Grama (Oct 7, 2006)

Wind in Her Hair said:


> HAH!!! oh hun, you have no idea! I am REFORMED! I USED to be a member of the "More is More" decorating clutter-bug club! But I've been reborn. You're right -I am now a "minimalist".
> 
> (Its confession time - I HAVE had up to 18 large dogs - including two litters of pups - in a 1200 square foot house with three children - one whelping box was in the kitchen and the other was under the baby bed in the nursery. I am not kidding. And there have been times when I have had orphan foals and calves in my utility room, baby chicks and ducks in the bathroom, fawns under the kitchen table, a Great Blue Heron in my shower, a hand-raised raccoon all over the house, and, well...ahem...(I might as well just spill it all) 6 bottle-fed bobcat kittens and an African lion cub in a cage in the kitchen.  I'm sure I broke some kind of law somewhere along the way -and I know my in-laws "disapproved" but my house was CLEAN - well, as clean as it could be under those circumstances -not Martha Stewart clean -but clean for a zoo)
> 
> I know, I know - I've just tarnished that halo I've been sportin'...hee hee


Hmmmm...I see nothining unusual here.


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## PNP Katahdins (Oct 28, 2008)

WIHH, I'm wondering about the heron too, never been quite that close to one. And what kind of pups were they?

Now back to the original thread. No suggestions except for those of us from semi-normal families to count our blessings.

Peg


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## Guest (Jul 28, 2009)

Maybe "Great Blue Heron" was her nickname for her husband. A noble sounding nickname, much better than "honey".


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## Tricky Grama (Oct 7, 2006)

Ah, WIHH, sorry about the thread drift too but I HAD to comment on the bee-U-tee-ful animal! And I don't think most of us know the work that goes into showing those dogs. 
(and you don't look so bad yourself in that shot, Chickie!!  )

Patty


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

MorningGlory said:


> Sue her for slander and emotional trauma. I would in a heartbeat, just to let her know that your relationship is over with a capital O.
> 
> But then again, I am a vengeful person when someone messes with my family. May the Lord have mercy on my sinful soul.


My reaction in the flesh parallels yours to some degree... different in implementation perhaps...

Perhaps beginning with a cease and desist letter, or even a restraining order? You said MIL... what does dear hubby think?

R


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## homesteadforty (Dec 4, 2007)

Country Lady said:


> ...but let's remember we haven't heard her side.


I see no need to hear "the other side". *Family* does not call outsiders (particularly government outsiders) on other members of *family* unless there is a _clear and present danger_... *and* the situation could not be resolved _within the family_.

As far as I'm concerned, if someone did that to me, they'd be considered a total stranger... and an unfriendly and possibly dangerous one at that.


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## Cabin Fever (May 10, 2002)

Honey, you forgot to tell them about the hummingbird that you rescued:


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## lonelytree (Feb 28, 2008)

Move 8 hours away....in an airplane. It works.


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

Wind in Her Hair said:


> HAH!!! oh hun, you have no idea! I am REFORMED! I USED to be a member of the "More is More" decorating clutter-bug club! But I've been reborn. You're right -I am now a "minimalist".
> 
> (Its confession time - I HAVE had up to 18 large dogs - including two litters of pups - in a 1200 square foot house with three children - one whelping box was in the kitchen and the other was under the baby bed in the nursery. I am not kidding. And there have been times when I have had orphan foals and calves in my utility room, baby chicks and ducks in the bathroom, fawns under the kitchen table, a Great Blue Heron in my shower, a hand-raised raccoon all over the house, and, well...ahem...(I might as well just spill it all) 6 bottle-fed bobcat kittens and an African lion cub in a cage in the kitchen.  I'm sure I broke some kind of law somewhere along the way -and I know my in-laws "disapproved" but my house was CLEAN - well, as clean as it could be under those circumstances -not Martha Stewart clean -but clean for a zoo)
> 
> I know, I know - I've just tarnished that halo I've been sportin'...hee hee


All of that would quite sincerely cause me to have a nervous breakdown! 

I like animals- outside...


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

lonelytree said:


> Move 8 hours away....in an airplane. It works.


I really really wish we could. As it now stands, we put up brand new no trespassing signs and have made it very clear that they are not welcome.

I really appreciate everyone's prayers and encouragements.


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## Shinsan (Jul 11, 2006)

You takin' care of all those poor critters.... Lordy Girl, your halo ain't tarnished.... it's _glowing!_

Our home has _always_ been cluttered to some extent, well OK, _very_ cluttered.... youngest daughter Erika's room is the worst you'd ever find... (snicker, she's looking over my shoulder).... however although there's not a speck of dust in sight some people just seem to associate clutter with uncleanliness. On the other hand I've seen houses that were as _neat_ as a pin, but on close inspection were found to be rather unclean; ie: mould in cupboards and pantries, build up of grease on kitchen surfaces, dirt in corners and crevices, etc. Dirty V cluttered: I know which I'd rather have.


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## SpaceCadet12364 (Apr 27, 2003)

WIHH, I have you beat maybe.....we actually had one of our Highland calves living in the house for about 3 weeks when she was only a few days old! She was in the finished part of the basement, in a big rubbermaid trough....sharing the room our two Great Danes had as "their" room. You can just barely see the little heifer in this pic, the Dane would peek in there all the time to check her out, or try to figure out what it was.....thats DH in the pic.


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## SpaceCadet12364 (Apr 27, 2003)

And, at one time we did have a couple breeding pairs of Burmese pythons, one pair was regular colored, the other pair were albinos (orangy yellowy cream colored, very pretty)....a huge custom container for them and everything. 

DH sold them when our DD was little....didnt want to take the chance of their being any sort of issues should they have gotten loose.

And for a while, we had a pair of Moluccan cockatoos that we had gotten when we lived in HI. Got to the point I wasn't able to work with them as much as I should have been, so they went to an exotic bird aviary down in TX. 

Now that I think about it, I am surprised that we didnt get this sort of issues when we had the birds....anyone thats been around cockatoos knows how they are with the white powdery feather dust that gets all over the place...hard to keep up on.


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## Reptyle (Jul 28, 2005)

Wind in Her Hair said:


>


Hmmmm, gray and white hair...Shaggy...Picture that pup wearing plaid and who would he remind you of?

I've seen this pic before, but never noticed that, until now...


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## KIT.S (Oct 8, 2008)

Oh, hey, that sounds like a WONDERFUL house! I bet you have great stories! And your kids' teachers must still wonder if show-and-tell were true or made-up stories! 

As I get older, the house seems to get cleaner, but the car... Well, the van transports sheep, pigs, animal feed and hay, free bread and discarded veggies, building materials, lots of grandkids and all their stuff, etc. It'll never get sold - once it dies it gets a humanitarian cremation, since I'll never be able to get it clean!

Kit


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## mrpink (Jun 29, 2008)

lairvine. I've been in those shoe's. the best you can do is clean the house nearly spotless be as kind to the sw as possible and get the case closed and them out of your life. then stay away from your mil.

wihh what is clutter? it is what ever the sw at the time considers clutter. that was told to me by a sw and a state senator.

greg


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## BackfourtyMI. (Sep 3, 2007)

I really feel sorry for you & your husband & family that you have to deal with such a terrible MIL as that. I Love my In-laws dearly, they are wonderful people so I am very lucky & besides that DH & I never had any children so no problems there.

My Best friend of the whole world of 30 years is a mother of 6 & a grandmother too & she has always been lets just say not the best house keeper, But she is a wonderful Mother & does everything possible for her kids. There are way worse things than a cluttered or messy house. They can't take your children away for that.
Look at all the people that litterally abuse there children physically, emotionally or are drug abusers or alcoholics, the states can barely keep up with those people.

I would definately call your MIL on the phone & let her know where the relationship is now, like in the toilet!


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## tlrnnp67 (Nov 5, 2006)

I'm curious - for those of you who have wrongly been turned in, why did you even let the investigator through your door? I've never been in that situation, but I don't think it's a good idea to let ANY government agent inside your home without a warrant - too much of a chance of unfounded accusations.


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## farmmom (Jan 4, 2009)

tlrnnp67 said:


> I'm curious - for those of you who have wrongly been turned in, why did you even let the investigator through your door? I've never been in that situation, but I don't think it's a good idea to let ANY government agent inside your home without a warrant - too much of a chance of unfounded accusations.


I was falsely accused of beating my children and my sisters children while I was living with her. Her ex - a deputy sheriff - somehow found out that I was helping her by paying to stay with her during a time of upheaval in my life. I was ordered out of the house until a full investigation was done. I never had a sw come to my home, I was ordered to report to the office with my son, which I did, and no evidence of abuse was found. My sister's ex had a history of making unfounded reports against my sister, until the SS let him know that any further false reports would be prosecuted. He eventually got kicked of the force and disappeared, owing thousands in back support.


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

I have nothing to hide. The sw was very nice and polite. She can come back anytime. I saw no reason not to let her in.
Now as far as MIL... she is not welcome and she knows it!


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

Me too. It's much easier to let them in the door to see that there is nothing wrong, rather than head back to town to get a warrant and _still_ get to come in.


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

I've been a fan of WIHH since about the time she headed North. I had to laugh at the animal stories; sure was not what I expected.

You go, girl.
Ox


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

It's funny in a sick way to hear about how the various social service agencies work. Some come and cause problems for no real reason at all. Some ignore huge problems. 

My aunt is only 9 years older than I am. She has a child three years older than mine. When she was a 9-month old infant her dad (during a divorce) sexually molested her. I didn't believe my aunt when she said authorities would do nothing because she was an infant (the child's doctor was so upset by this situation that even though he'd moved out of state he offered, at his expense, to testify). Well, I repeatedly called authorities in Indiana and my aunt was correct; they would do nothing. My cousin's father had unsupervised visitation her entire childhood. I'm not sad that today he is dead.

My friend grew up in a house in central IL with her unmarried mother and a parade of boyfriends. Authorities were repeatedly called because there was one path through the house through which a person could walk (sometimes the path was there). Authorities came but never did anything at all. Ever. 

My son has mental health issues. He called 911 one Sunday as an adolescent saying we were beating him. We live in a rural area and it took almost an hour for the deputy to get here. Scary....what if we had beaten our dear, sweet son... The deputy could tell that our son had problems. He told us that he was a mandated reporter and would have to call child protective services. He did, though, allow our crying, panic stricken, five year old daughter to climb into his car and hit the siren so she's stop being afraid the cop was going to take her parents away.

I called our doctor Monday morning and told him what had happened as I didn't want him to be concerned about any call he might get from child protective services. He also told me that he would have to report the incident as he was a mandated reporter. We never even received a call from child protective services. While there is often no legal requirement to open our homes to child protective authorities I think that we can show that we have nothing to hide. I'm sure that the doctor and the deputy reported the incident with our son. I'm also certain that they reported in such a way that they said they didn't think any abuse happened. So...I'd call your doctor and let him/her know what's going on too.

I'm sorry that this is happening.


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## Guest (Jul 29, 2009)

Didn't read through all the posts. I'm strict when it comes to my family. Do and say what you want to me, but if you drag my wife or kids into it, you are gone.


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## tamsam (May 12, 2006)

Well I can feel for you having to deal with them in MC but SC is worse. It sounds like it may be time to make a complaint for harrassment against MIL. It would also be on record that she is trying to give you a hard time and you can use the legal system against her as she is trying to do to you. Good luck with your problem. Sam


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## longshadowfarms (Nov 27, 2002)

Wind in Her Hair said:


> I know, I know - I've just tarnished that halo I've been sportin'...hee hee


Not a bit! I knew you'd raised dogs at one point, so I figured there MUST be some shred of "normal" in there!  I too am moving toward minimalist. We're down one HUGE house & barn-load of stuff and will shed a whole pile more in a few days. It is a huge relief to unencumber.


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## HappyPanda71 (Dec 14, 2007)

If the Social Worker is coming back out in 2 weeks,make sure you do whatever she has asked you do to as far as removal of the "clutter".Usually if a Social Worker returns and you have complied they will close the case, unless they feel a need to keep it open, such as to offer you support services. Each state is different on what support services they have available.

Start keeping a log of the "anonymous"letters, any harrassing calls from the MIL and document each and every time CPS visits you and keep any letters you recieve from them.

Sounds like your Social Worker is nice, I mean she did give you 2 weeks, some only give 24 hours to fix problems.So it could have been much worse! I speak from experience, I did my internship with CPS and I witnessed this first hand.


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## Wisconsin Ann (Feb 27, 2007)

Happypanda suggests a log of letters and calls...I'd go stronger and suggest you keep a FILE. All letters go in the file. Try to record any messages she leaves on the answering machine, and record her calls. It's legal to record your own conversations. She doesn't have to know...or..heh  TELL her you're recording all phone calls now. That may stop any harrassing calls she makes. ... Might escalate her paranoia, too, tho.

Also...remember that every Social Services Worker is a human being, complete with baggage from their own lives. Some want to see the good side in people and ocassionally miss the nasty people. Some only want to see the negative, and they can make life miserable. Some have seen so MANY horrible situations that they become jaded and just expect to be lied to. :shrug:

good luck with it all. Sounds like you and hubby have a firm grip on it. (It IS hard for a boy to think ill of his mother..and even if he agrees about her, it will be hard on him to cut all ties.)


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## hmsteader71 (Mar 16, 2006)

Boy! She sounds like my husbands ex-mother-n-law. Not only was his ex-wife psycho, but her mother is too. When his ex kidnapped their son (we now have custody) they were gone for 3 months. Her mother swore up and down that she didn't know where they were. Later, after we had him, she was overheard in a restaurant by someone from our church, that not only had she known the whole time where they were, but had funded it. 
My friends mother is also like your mil. They have nothing to do with her. Although, she doesn't really push the issue. She never comes around, never speaks to them, nothing. She met her grandson for the 1st time (outside of school where she subs as a teacher) last year and he is 13.


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## VOR. (Feb 3, 2009)

You husband needs to man up and handle up with his mother.


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## TurnerHill (Jun 8, 2009)

Wisconsin Ann said:


> Happypanda suggests a log of letters and calls...I'd go stronger and suggest you keep a FILE. All letters go in the file. Try to record any messages she leaves on the answering machine, and record her calls. It's legal to record your own conversations. She doesn't have to know...or..heh  TELL her you're recording all phone calls now. That may stop any harrassing calls she makes. ... Might escalate her paranoia, too, tho.
> 
> Also...remember that every Social Services Worker is a human being, complete with baggage from their own lives. Some want to see the good side in people and ocassionally miss the nasty people. Some only want to see the negative, and they can make life miserable. Some have seen so MANY horrible situations that they become jaded and just expect to be lied to. :shrug:
> 
> good luck with it all. Sounds like you and hubby have a firm grip on it. (It IS hard for a boy to think ill of his mother..and even if he agrees about her, it will be hard on him to cut all ties.)


It is not always legal to record your own calls. It depends on the state's law, and they vary widely. 

Be VERY sure it is legal in your state before doing so. Here, it's a felony. We take privacy seriously in New Hampshire.


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## Guest (Jul 29, 2009)

VOR. said:


> You husband needs to man up and handle up with his mother.


+1

Tell him to stop being a wuss.


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## Cindy in NY (May 10, 2002)

The fact that she admitted writing the letter and essentially admitted calling CPS and then had the gall to want to visit with your daughter tells me that she has some serious mental health issues. Stay away, stay far away!!


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## Beltane (Nov 27, 2005)

Wind in Her Hair said:


> ...and a couple of rescue Greyhounds.


Be still my beating heart.....:angel:


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## Sammy (Dec 10, 2005)

Who wants to be like Martha Stewart anyway.


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

It's ok WIHH, really. I have always enjoyed your posts. I am much the same way about animals as you. Heron's are such neat birds I am sorry you lost yours. My Bigmamma(grandmother on my mom's side) loved them too... with taters ans rutabeggers LOL. I think that is part why my MIL hates me. My DH's father was an animal lover as well. 
V.O.R. my DH has told her where she is welcome to go..... :flame:
And that she is not welcome here. I just got back home after having a molar pulled they called tooth number 31. Is it supposed to be this painful? I have had 4 of my wisdom teeth cut out, 1 left to go! (2 were together by this molar pushing on it)
and that did not hurt as bad.


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

I am glad it is gone, but dang it hurts! It was $217.00 to get it out. That was bad enough.


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## VOR. (Feb 3, 2009)

Lairvine said:


> It's ok WIHH, really. I have always enjoyed your posts. I am much the same way about animals as you. Heron's are such neat birds I am sorry you lost yours. My Bigmamma(grandmother on my mom's side) loved them too... with taters ans rutabeggers LOL. I think that is part why my MIL hates me. My DH's father was an animal lover as well.
> *V.O.R. my DH has told her where she is welcome to go..... :flame:
> And that she is not welcome here. *I just got back home after having a molar pulled they called tooth number 31. Is it supposed to be this painful? I have had 4 of my wisdom teeth cut out, 1 left to go! (2 were together by this molar pushing on it)
> and that did not hurt as bad.


Sounds like the problem is solved. 

Sorry to hear about your tooth. Hopefully, it will be better in a few hours.


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## whiskeylivewire (May 27, 2009)

Gosh, I hope they never come to my house! We're in a two bedroom house with 1 bathroom(hopefully not for much longer!) with 4 kids. Oh did I mention only 1 closet? I have so many storage containers to keep everything away from the 2 yr old I can't find anything now!


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## Ed Norman (Jun 8, 2002)

All around this country I see the tiny one room log cabins where the rancher's grandpa was born and raised. I even know some of the grandpas. Some cabins have dirt floors, I don't know what they had plugging the window holes. These are people who grew up just fine and made it to old age and built up ranches. But the social workers would take every one of those kids away if someone tried it today. Amazing.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

oh good lord. I am definiatly NOT letting some folks into my home when I have my baby. NOPE. I have not only a couple snakes, but 2 dogs (sitting 2 more right now for a week) a disabled cat and a kitten I'm still trying to find a home for. I live in a two bedroom trailor, one bath. Very little furnature and very little storage. Right now my second room serves as seed starting room/sewing room/storage room/pantry. Once it becomes a nursery all that stuff will have to be re-homed or moved elsewhere.....probebly the living room so the baby can have his/her own room.


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## beaglebiz (Aug 5, 2008)

I just composted a rotten cucumber that was sitting on my counter. Plus, we have clutter to spare, as there are a bunch of kids, two adults with all kinds of different things going on.
so I think this whole thing is silly. You have a right to have a life


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Lord, I hope they don't look in the back of my fridge....


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## barnyardfun (Mar 26, 2005)

NickieL said:


> Lord, I hope they don't look in the back of my fridge....


Just tell 'em it's your latest science experiment!


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

beaglebiz said:


> I just composted a rotten cucumber that was sitting on my counter. Plus, we have clutter to spare, as there are a bunch of kids, two adults with all kinds of different things going on.
> so I think this whole thing is silly. You have a right to have a life


Isn't it kind of gross how the whole middle part liquifiys but the skin stays intact more or less? lol


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

WIHH - I absolutely love that pic of you and the dog - my land did you do the grooming on that beastie? 

and yes, guilty of clutter here - books EVERYWHERE - the kid and I are both readers and I have an office with ten foot tall bookshelves that cover one 12 foot wall - uhm, they are full, the chairs are full, the desk is full, the kid has his own bookshelves which are full and my bedside table is full..

I am going to get busy and declutter some books! We have way too many but it is so hard to part with books, it is like parting with dear, old friends. sigh..and how can you throw out a friend?


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## coffee (Mar 17, 2009)

fil never liked me ,,, mil was not around for fist 5 years ,, when we got married we both said any of the mil ,fil ,, on ether side try breaking us up or getting into things we move with no forwarding address to any one ,,, all of both sides were told to stay out ,, it worked . after 8 years fil got wind that we were getting ready to move with no forwarding , house was up for sale ,, he called said he would stay out from then on.. house came off market ..


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## mtnbluet881 (Jun 4, 2006)

Lairvine:

I recollect looking through the kitchen window and contently watching my husband and my two little girls rolling balls of snow for a snowman. It was a blizzard outside, but they were all laughing and playing together. 

Just at that moment I see a car struggling up our lane. It was a SW.

Long story short, there was no clutter since we had been in an accident and we were all together in the house for about 2 weeks healing up.

On the advice of a lawyer at my church:

1) I requested all phone conversations concerning the SW visit.

2) I wrote a lengthy letter explaining the situation and how all allegations were truly unfounded

3) I demanded that they remove all material from their database.
That is, as soon as they agree with me, then I am demanding /commanding them to throw out the records and scrub the database of the event.

#3 is important, as should you ever want to help out with the 4-H or be a substitute teacher, the unfounded report itself might be considered a record and hinder you from being accepted in these jobs.

Final result:

Amazingly we did received the transcribed calls. Although much was blotted out with a permanent marker, enough was left in so that we *know* who the finks were.

When we told some 'supposed' friends that we were requesting the copies of the telephone calls, they all of a sudden found a wonderful job down south and moved within a month's time.

Although it was an emotional time, we did get through it and were the stronger for it.

And yes our records did get expunged when their findings were:unfounded.

(Took time though...)

Cathy

Do some research: some states or locales cannot remove anybody for an unclean house, period. Just depends on the laws of the particular state. That information is good to know in order to know how to phrase your rebuttal /explanation letter to the SW agency. BTW above all things keep the letter Positive. No need to give the SW even a hint of anything to investigate.


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## GoldenCityMuse (Apr 15, 2009)

CPS
BTDT

Filed suit w/ HSLDA. 4th amendment violation.
They [CPS] settled.


Hopefully never again.


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## Ed Norman (Jun 8, 2002)

GoldenCityMuse said:


> CPS
> BTDT
> 
> Filed suit w/ HSLDA. 4th amendment violation.
> ...


AOK
LOL


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## Rick (May 10, 2002)

This thread has mushroomed since yesterday, and I haven't seen page 4 - maybe someone has touched on this...

I sure wish you could find a mediator to discuss her overbearing behavior, and preserve a relationship between the kids and her.

I know she sounds like quite a piece of work.

Best Wishes...


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## ihedrick (May 15, 2005)

In VA, you do not technically have to let them into your house. But by law you do have to allow them to speak privately with your child and have them seen by a doctor for an exam if they deem necessary. I had a visit from CPS once. THey spoke with my middle son outside and then I made an appointment for them to come back to walk through my home at a more convienent time for me. She had no problem with my request. I let her in the house; she admired the inside (old farm house), spoke with my youngest...case closed. Sorry you went through this. It can be nerve rattling; as so much is subject to the SW opinion. One man's clutter is another man's keepsakes!


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## amylou62 (Jul 14, 2008)

Laundry baskets do wonders on clutter very quickly. Just push it in and hide.


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

amylou62 said:


> Laundry baskets do wonders on clutter very quickly. Just push it in and hide.


Yep! Just like aluminum foil on windows to keep peeping inlaws from seeing anything....even the kids!


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Lairvine said:


> Yep! Just like aluminum foil on windows to keep peeping inlaws from seeing anything....even the kids!


I hear that wax paper works too and lets the light in! :rock:


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## ronbre (Apr 26, 2009)

forgive her


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## jassytoo (May 14, 2003)

Forgive, yes. Just don't forget.


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

If she would stop I may be able to forgive. She has chosen her path.


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## barnyardfun (Mar 26, 2005)

jassytoo said:


> Forgive, yes. Just don't forget.


That is said perfectly. I ran into the problem that I began to feel guilty and decided I have to forgive. Somehow in the process I thought I also needed to put the past behind and start anew. WRONG! All that did was put me right back to where I was in the beginning!:bash:


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## farmmom (Jan 4, 2009)

Lairvine said:


> If she would stop I may be able to forgive. She has chosen her path.


Just remember, that harboring unforgiveness will hurt you more in the longrun than it will ever hurt her. Forgive her, but as stated before, don't forget what she has done. I know it is easier said than done, but for your own sake and those of your children, you need to be able to let go of the anger and frustration of this situation. That doesn't mean that you have to be friends.


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## ihedrick (May 15, 2005)

Reminds me of a quote...don't remember by whom: "forgive your enemies; but remember their names"


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## myheaven (Apr 14, 2006)

Sounds alot what my mil is like. She went as far as to kidnap my eldest dd, call the cops and ss on me. FIL is a SW so he took what mil said at face value. Its a long complicated story. Forgive yes BUT!!!!!!!!! never let your guard down!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Your inlaws sound just like mine. Mine are very back stabbing and tells lies. She just did it again when I came sick with lymes. If i had my my I would never speek to her or fil again but dh wont do it. I hate her lies not her. I pray for her heart to change.


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## Lairvine (Feb 27, 2005)

Well if my DH had had his way she would have never been able to see the kids from the start. I got him to. I tried really hard to make her a friend from the start even with how she has treated my DH all his life. but this is it.


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## Rick (May 10, 2002)

farmmom said:


> Just remember, that harboring unforgiveness will hurt you more in the longrun than it will ever hurt her. Forgive her, but as stated before, don't forget what she has done. I know it is easier said than done, but for your own sake and those of your children, you need to be able to let go of the anger and frustration of this situation. That doesn't mean that you have to be friends.


Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. 

by Mark Twain


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## PyroDon (Jul 30, 2006)

Lairvine

I Understand quite well what your going through.
My wifes mother is manicdepressive and certified insane in three states . 
Last spring she called CPS claiming we were sexually and mentally abusing our daughter s. 
sexually abusing them because they get and give hugs and trickles often.
mentally abusing them because they were told to clean their room . when they failed to do so they lost privaleges first the TV then toys , until it was done .
I have stubborn children they held out for a week before finally cleaning their room 

so MIL told the cps how abused they were and that our eldest was the most unhappy and depressed child shed ever seen . 
They interviewed our eldest at school . 
the lady that interviewed her said she had never seen a happier or more out going child . 
well that was six months ago .
Now MIL has decided that the 13 year old niece who was abducted and raped a year ago is a home wrecker trying to seduce adult family members .
I realize shes mentally ill but its very hard not to lose one temper in such cases


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## tiffnzacsmom (Jan 26, 2006)

If you would not "forgive" a stranger down the street for this type of behavior than why should it be any different for someone labled family doubley so for someone who is known to be abusive? I gave my mom and step-dad a chance when they screwed up it was over.


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

I would forgive because that is what the Lord says we should do. However, I would not have any relationship with her nor allow my children to. Toxic is toxic whether its family or acquaintance. We do not need toxic people in our lives and should not allow them around our children. I had wonderful grandparents -- but one grandmother was toxic to my sister and some of my cousins. She was a real piece of work as a mil and made her daughter-in-laws lives a misery.


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

There is a huge difference between forgiving and forgetting.
But, as a mother? If you mess with my baby, any relationship we had is so gone. He is a helpless child, not a pawn in your games of control.

I have to protect him before anything else. If I had a choice between forgiving someone and keeping him safe, well, watch me turn bitter then. He is more important than I am.

I did have a relative threaten me with CPS while I was pg. I wouldn't do things her way (her way consisted of leaving my husband, flying to have the baby in her area, and letting her play mommy). She raised me from the time I was six until I was eleven. 

I am still working on forgiving her. I hear her voice and I honestly just could growl. She gets superficial information and will never set foot in my house again. SHe calls me in tears and I don't care anymore.

It's very hard for a parent to get over a threat to their child, it would seem. 

I just don't understand the mentality that calls CPS over anything short of actual harm done a child. WHY would you ever want to take someone's child from them? Why would you want to terrify said child with interviews, insecurity wondering if they would always live with their parents?

It's sick, is what it is. Those who make false or petty CPS claims are beyond the pale.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

just reading this, and wow...how horrible! my MIL is adorable, and I love her so much. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this entire situation. ((hugs))


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## Docdubz (Aug 10, 2020)

I had something like this happen when I took my oldest to the clinic in the city to get a rash checked out. I hadn't shaved in a while and the nurse there tried her darnedest to get my son to say something that would warrant her calling cps on me. I let her try for about a minute and then I gave her this look which she understood entirely. Crap like that is why God made alligators.


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