# Break ups?



## DKWunlimited (Sep 11, 2006)

So I cut another one loose this morning, The kisses and sex were amazing but have you ever dated someone that was just too broken to be able to glue pieces back together? I couldn't get him to commit to dinner on Friday because we might break up before then. After talking about him about it last night and sleeping on it, I decided that although I was having feelings, he was just so jaded from past relationships that he was not allowing himself to get emotionally invested. I am at that point in life where private time is great but I also want to get out of the house and have fun! Anyone else at that point?


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

WAAAAAAAAY past that point. Don't even know or care for whats (fun)? anymore. BUTT, as the old song says, Go it while your young


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

Sounds like you have a thing for losers. If you really want a good man for keeps you will have to look where good men go. The older you get the harder it will be to find such a man. The attrition rate on good men is high.

I have said to young men of my acquaintance that if you want a good woman you must make yourself into something a good woman wants.


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## DKWunlimited (Sep 11, 2006)

Oxankle said:


> Sounds like you have a thing for losers. If you really want a good man for keeps you will have to look where good men go. The older you get the harder it will be to find such a man. The attrition rate on good men is high.
> 
> I have said to young men of my acquaintance that if you want a good woman you must make yourself into something a good woman wants.


He WAS a very good man, his wife was killed in a car accident and he raised his 2 sons alone. After some bad relationships where he was used for his money, he just won't take down the walls for someone who isn't.


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## CKelly78z (Jul 16, 2017)

Sometimes we move too quickly into a full blown relationship when both people may not be ready, with all the expectations that need to be met. Try to stay friends with him, and talk things through, and don't be pushy, or needy (just be there)....men shy away from that no matter how good the sex is.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

I find a lot of the men are like that.they have been hurt so many times and it's so hard to find a way to tear down the walls. maybe if you just flat out left him he might come to his senses and realize the good woman he has


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

I have reached the point where other than dear friends, they aren’t worth the trouble.


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## wdcutrsdaughter (Dec 9, 2012)

DKWunlimited said:


> So I cut another one loose this morning, The kisses and sex were amazing but have you ever dated someone that was just too broken to be able to glue pieces back together? I couldn't get him to commit to dinner on Friday because we might break up before then. After talking about him about it last night and sleeping on it, I decided that although I was having feelings, he was just so jaded from past relationships that he was not allowing himself to get emotionally invested. I am at that point in life where private time is great but I also want to get out of the house and have fun! Anyone else at that point?


Not that it matters what I think  but I think you made the right choice. Relationships are not all about private time and maybe for some people that would work, but clearly it wasn't for you, so you took care of yourself. Good for you. If you don't advocate for yourself who will? 
Sometimes I think men use excuses to not become too serious but like to play around with out a problem. 

I hope you will soon find a nice man who likes to have adventures with you both in door and out.


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## RideBarefoot (Jun 29, 2008)

When someone lets the past dictate the present, there is no future.


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

My DH was like that when we met,he had been cheated on and tore down so much in his previous marriage. It took time but he learned to trust and open up again. Sometimes people just need time and love


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

I'm not sure, but I think this may apply. When I was in my late 20's, my girlfriend told me "If you choose to act like that, you can. Just don't expect me to stay around."

Much better than having a long discussion or breaking up. Just a simple I will not tolerate that behavior, so your choice. Continue to act like that and I'm gone.

Give him the courtesy of understanding what his choices are. He might surprise you. If he doesn't choose you over his immature and paranoid behavior, then you're lucky to be rid of him.

Another thing she did if I didn't want to do something was say "Fine, but I'm going anyway." Sometimes a woman's needs to talk to a man in language he understands!


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

Life turned her that way by Ricky Van Shelton. Works both ways.


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

All these comments above remind me of a friend here. His wife was killed in a car accident as she was turning into the road where they lived---he heard the crash. He cannot turn that loose---the last woman who moved in with him left because he could not bear to put his wife's possessions away. It has been about ten years now, I think.

Been there, done that. My wife and I knew she was to die five years before she left this world. Told me I was not fit to live alone.
When she died I had the children take all her things, plus all the household furnishings that were of value or use. I started over and married again in two years. We don't forget, but we do move on.

As for that "they aren't worth the trouble" bit---There are so many fish in that sea that any decent, reliable, self-sufficient man can take his pick. By the time we reach middle age the pool of good men has gotten so small that men are at a premium---the opposite of life at twenty one. The man who cannot find one had better look at himself and see what he is doing wrong. The man who DOES find some women had better cull them pretty carefully because by middle age some of them have a ton of baggage and bad habits. Psychologist wrote an article on this, wound up saying best candidates were widows from good marriages. BINGO!!!!

LOL; I am reminded that an old friend lost his wife at an early age and is now on his third successful marriage.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

The last girlfriend before my wife never did seem to get it I told her that I expected faithfulness and loyalty I told her ahead of time that it would take me a year or two to start thinking about being serious but if something was to happen in that time it would take me two or three times as long to recover 
Less than a month into the relationship I found my trust has been missed placed within a week or two after that she was willing to let bygones be by Gansz and announced that we were now boyfriend and girlfriend again I never said that .
As far as I was concerned at that point we were just having dinner again and I actually made that clear to her yet a month or so later when I was busy she decided that we had broke up again and a month or so later she recovered from that . if I had counted that second time it would’ve mean we were up to the point where it would take at least eight years for me to of trusted her she actually continued with this pattern for two or three years while I went on about my life. 
The woman that I married actually suffered for this. it took me 10 years to trust her although she never once broke up with me or did anything but be loyal and faithful. 
But she did hang in there for 10 years


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

A. Stand: Ben Franklin said to keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half closed afterward. I subscribe to that theory.


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## tiffanysgallery (Jan 17, 2015)

Sounds like he's a little gun shy about a new relationship. I'm the same way. Other than one online male acquaintance that I adore here, I haven't dated anyone in almost seven years. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I had them. When was his last relationship?


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## haypoint (Oct 4, 2006)

newfieannie said:


> I find a lot of the men are like that.they have been hurt so many times and it's so hard to find a way to tear down the walls. maybe if you just flat out left him he might come to his senses and realize the good woman he has


I'm not convinced it is only men that become jaded.
I call it emotional baggage. Others try to pass it off as wisdom. When you are sitting in it its hard to tell the difference.

I've tired from being in a relationship where I have to try to prove I'm not going to do the hurtful things that happened in past relationships. Gets old when your SO is worried that you are cheating on her, because her last three relationships ended that way. Gets old spending your own money all the time because the last three guys ripped her off and left her with bills.

A few yeas ago, I was in na serious relationship. I invested $60,000 in improvements on a piece of property I owned. She was going to use her $60,000 for materials to build a house. I added her name to the deed. But when it got down to it, she wanted to get a building loan/mortgage instead of using her own money. A past lover had gotten a bunch of her money. She had the money, but couldn't risk it again. Seemed like too much of a financial imbalance, so I told her good-bye.


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

Haypoint; After that first love affair gone wrong women get gun shy. The psychologist who suggested that widowers who want to remarry find a widow from a good marriage stated that bad love affairs and bad divorces put too much unacceptable baggage on a woman. I found some lovely woman carrying more baggage that any woman should have to bear.

Think about it; the reason the old folks discouraged premarital affairs was simply the avoidance of such baggage. No bastard children, only two sets of grandparents, no visitation arguments, no recriminations, no financial disasters. Now that we have wall-to-wall shack-ups all these snakes come out to bite the second-or-third-or fourth-in-line. All this matters whether you are man or woman.


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## DKWunlimited (Sep 11, 2006)

Oxankle said:


> Haypoint; After that first love affair gone wrong women get gun shy. The psychologist who suggested that widowers who want to remarry find a widow from a good marriage stated that bad love affairs and bad divorces put too much unacceptable baggage on a woman. I found some lovely woman carrying more baggage that any woman should have to bear.
> 
> .


I have personally found this to be in error. I have now dated 3 widowers and all 3 were/are living with ghosts and false memories of how perfect their wife was, nothing I could do would ever compare. I also have 2 aunts that can't keep a relationship because they can't stop thinking about their departed husbands.
All that really matters if if a person is ready to move forward and let go of the past.


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

DKW, you wouldn't have to worry about me thinking my ex was perfect. She did a good job of making me distrustful though.


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

Eh if my DH ever dies, i'm going to stay single and get 100 goats


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

DKW: I believe in an earlier post I mentioned such a man. Find one who wants to move on. If a person, man or woman, wants to live with a sainted ghost there is no future for a second spouse. 

I also, as I recall, said that by middle age there were very few men in the pool who were not culls. When we are kids the women can take their pick, and generally they prefer the flashy bad boys. By the time they take their bruises and go looking for a good man the good men are taken, or dead.


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## GTX63 (Dec 13, 2016)

Oregon1986 said:


> Eh if my DH ever dies, i'm going to stay single and get 100 goats


That would be better than cats.


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## GTX63 (Dec 13, 2016)

A local farmer's wife died while she was in her 70s.
He mourned for a few months, then he cocked his John Deere hat a little to the side and started socializing.
He very much enjoyed the company, although his intent wasn't the same as the gals he was spending time with.
My cousin, who is 88 and a widower for decades, has a girlfriend. They go to the dance every two weeks. She cannot go to the bathroom but he is hit on by the regulars, every single time....
Both guys keep the memories of their wives inside their hearts for safekeeping.


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## DKWunlimited (Sep 11, 2006)

whiterock said:


> DKW, you wouldn't have to worry about me thinking my ex was perfect. She did a good job of making me distrustful though.


See, that is my point. I get one or the other! lol


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

I'm a widow, and have been in a couple of dismal situations since my best friend/husband passed on. I broke those off. However, I am NOT a man-hater. Nor do I eye all other men with suspicion. In fact, I enjoy the company of men. (Please get your mind out of the gutter!) 

I think I've learned much about myself, and there's no need to hang on to suspicion, hurt feelings, fear or anger. Instead, I carry around HOPE because I believe there is another best friend/partner somewhere. There IS a little bit of scaredy-cat in there, though.


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## wannabfarmer (Jun 30, 2015)

i got divorced in 2015. I tried dating a few women and all turned into train wrecks with no character. granted I understand not everyone is like this but dating was getting expensive for one bs date after another so I gave up on trying. something will come along when its meant to but if it doesn't i'd be perfectly fine alone. 

From what the OP said it sounds like he is gun shy which is understandable but maybe you should have told him lack of confidence isn't attractive instead of just saying peace out.


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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

wannabfarmer said:


> i got divorced in 2015. I tried dating a few women and all turned into train wrecks with no character. granted I understand not everyone is like this but dating was getting expensive for one bs date after another so I gave up on trying. something will come along when its meant to but if it doesn't i'd be perfectly fine alone.
> 
> From what the OP said it sounds like he is gun shy which is understandable but maybe you should have told him lack of confidence isn't attractive instead of just saying peace out.


See this is why men need to take a woman fishing for first date,it will say a lot about a woman. If she is chill and has a great time,she's a winner. If she whines or won't go then NEXT


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## GTX63 (Dec 13, 2016)




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## Oregon1986 (Apr 25, 2017)

GTX63 said:


>


lol


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

When I was a youngun, teen age, an aunt's husband told me the best test was to show up for a date on a sweaty mule. If she got up behind me she was worth keeping. Unfortunately, I never had a sweaty mule handy.


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

My younger son took a second wife candidate to St Judes Childrens Hospital when he took Cole for a check up. Trial by fire.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

not every woman wants to go fishing. that doesn't mean they are a lost cause.


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## wannabfarmer (Jun 30, 2015)

I had a date actually in the middle of the date say she was just out for a free meal.... so when the waiter asked if we were ready for the check I told him it was separate and she got a bill with a steak and 3 glasses of wine. she exploded because she didn't bring any money and I left her at the restaurant so she could call someone to bring her money. before anyone jumps on me I was a gentleman and paid for the appetizer that she mainly ate lol.


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## RideBarefoot (Jun 29, 2008)

DKWunlimited said:


> I have personally found this to be in error. I have now dated 3 widowers and all 3 were/are living with ghosts and false memories of how perfect their wife was, nothing I could do would ever compare. I also have 2 aunts that can't keep a relationship because they can't stop thinking about their departed husbands.
> All that really matters if a person is ready to move forward and let go of the past.


I've had that happen. One left his widow's voice recording on the answering machine, and she had been gone for several years. Made a point of telling me it was her. The other kept rattling on about his departed wife so much I finally had to tell him that I would really enjoy dating Jim, but not Barbara's husband.


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

Girls; don't think you are different. When I was out on the trail looking for a compatible woman I found all sorts of ladies with baggage piled high. Lovely ladies, wonderful women but with heads full of ghosts and fears and suspicions and designs. Probably put there by bad experience, but nevertheless crippling so far as new relationships went.

It comes down to this; if a person wants to marry ;a second time he/she must start over from zero, putting the new marriage ahead of old memories and old experiences. If one cannot do that it may be best to die alone.


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## Elevenpoint (Nov 17, 2009)

Later in life everyone has some baggage or maybe a lot.
The key is to find someone to help you unpack and sort through it.
Talk is cheap but consistent action that's shows your commitment, loyalty, respect, and that you can be trusted goes a long way.
I don't get the part of so and so did X to me so now I'm bitter, on guard, etc.
Life's to short for that.
Everyone has different DNA so none are the same, hence why all men are the same, all women are the same is not true.


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

wannabfarmer said:


> I had a date actually in the middle of the date say she was just out for a free meal.... so when the waiter asked if we were ready for the check I told him it was separate and she got a bill with a steak and 3 glasses of wine. she exploded because she didn't bring any money and I left her at the restaurant so she could call someone to bring her money. before anyone jumps on me I was a gentleman and paid for the appetizer that she mainly ate lol.


I have always paid my way on the dates I have been on since my divorce, I would be uncomfortable otherwise. I view dating as getting to know one another through planned activities, certainly not a free ride.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

roadless said:


> a free ride.


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## wannabfarmer (Jun 30, 2015)

I have absolutely no problem paying for dates I think its nice. i'm not above letting her pay for the third date if she offers. splitting dates to me is awkward but i'm glad it works for you.


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

If I ask a woman out I EXPECT to pay. First, on a first date we often have no way of knowing a woman's ability to pay. Second, an invitation is just that.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I see on the puter where one trait all these boy killers have is that they hate girls/women. Gee, and there not even near old enough to get married and divorced a few times like some of us older guys


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## HermitJohn (May 10, 2002)

FarmboyBill said:


> I see on the puter where one trait all these boy killers have is that they hate girls/women. Gee, and there not even near old enough to get married and divorced a few times like some of us older guys


If they kill boys, wouldnt that make them boy haters? or do they just hate everybody?


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## mreynolds (Jan 1, 2015)

elevenpoint said:


> Later in life everyone has some baggage or maybe a lot.
> The key is to find someone to help you unpack and sort through it.
> Talk is cheap but consistent action that's shows your commitment, loyalty, respect, and that you can be trusted goes a long way.
> I don't get the part of so and so did X to me so now I'm bitter, on guard, etc.
> ...


This is true. My current wife of 22 years now and I were broken when we met. She more than I but together we did a "flip and sell" with each other. 

Turns out we were just fine after all and just needed the right partner.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

CKelly78z said:


> Sometimes we move too quickly into a full blown relationship when both people may not be ready, with all the expectations that need to be met. Try to stay friends with him, and talk things through, and don't be pushy, or needy (just be there)....men shy away from that no matter how good the sex is.


Interesting... I've never experienced any bad sex. The worst was wonderful! 

On another note, I don't think having expectations of your partner is a good way to build a relationship. Find one you like, enjoy the good stuff and ignore the rest.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

HermitJohn said:


> If they kill boys, wouldnt that make them boy haters? or do they just hate everybody?


Just my two cents but I think most hate themselves.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

yeah I think so too. Think they wanna go out by cop but want to have company on the trip


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