# So I have an anxious child...



## Still Learning (Dec 5, 2006)

Hi everyone!

My DD(5) started kindergarten this year in a public school. We're going on week 8 since school began here, it's a year-round school so they started early. Anyways...

My sweet, smart, quiet but outgoing little girl has turned into a crying, anxious little girl who literally shakes when the teacher calls her name. She has also had several potty accidents at school (she hasn't had an accident since she was 2!). The teacher told the school guidance counselor that DD is the worst case of anxiety that she's ever had in her classroom (although teacher never brought this to my attention, I thought it was just a morning sadness thing). The teacher initially seemed helpful & understanding but I think she's past that now and I guess I can understand that. 

DD cries every morning before school for atleast an hour and lastnight cried for 2 hours before bed because she didn't want to go to school today. She was scared her teacher would call on her to answer a question -- and if she didn't know the answer, then she'd have to miss recess time because of it. She's missed out on things before so I guess that stuck in her mind. 

I have to almost drag her into the classroom each morning -- and sometimes she even chases me back out of the school. The principal had to run after her one day to stop her from getting to the front doors and out into the parking lot. It's bad... and I feel *terrible*. We've tried bribery even and that only works so long before she's back to square one.

So... I kept her home today. She cried so much between lastnight & this morning that her eyes are puffy.  I have called around to a local homeschool umbrella program with intentions of signing her up asap. 

My biggest question is how do I approach the public school with this? Do I have to tell them that I'm pulling her out to homeschool? I'd rather not, if I can help it. I've dealt with them enough and I'm just tired of hearing how I should let them pull her from my car every morning --> and then she'd just magically get over her anxiety. There just has to be more to it although I can't put my finger on the exact reasoning for her anxiety. 

Any advice for me as I begin this with her? Has anyone else dealt with this before? Are the public schools just sometimes too overwhelming for some children? This is all new... and I never saw it coming to be honest. Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts.


----------



## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

First of all, take a deep breath. The "lion-mommy" will be fighting to get out, but take it slow, or you're likely to do something emotionally that there is no going back from.

First step -- your daughter is "NOT" being "PULLED" to homeschool. So far as the school is concerned, for now, she is "sick". Call the school, tell them she is sick, and will not be in for a few days.

TODAY, go to the HSLDA website, drill down to your state, and find your home education regulations. Read them at least ten times. Once you have read them over and over again, contact a local home education support group. There should be one listed through the HSLDA site, or you might find one on a bulletin board at the library, or even a yahoo group. Contact the state group if nothing else, they will have contact info for more regional groups. Talk to someone WHO HOME EDUCATES IN YOUR STATE, preferably in your school district, but get as close as you can.

The most important thing is, until such time as you have your daughter registered/actively home educating and all your ducks in a row, so far as the local school is concerned, SHE IS SICK.

You might have the most homeschooling friendly school in the world, they still do not want to lose the funding your daughter's enrollment represents, and MAY cause you problems if they can. In this case, what they don't know RIGHT NOW won't hurt YOU.

Take a bit of time, after you get everything sorted, to let her "deschool" -- I know it's only been eight weeks, but she's obviously been traumatized by something. Perhaps it's just separation anxiety -- perhaps there is something more (if there is, I guarantee you that in the supportive, happy environment of home without the stress of returning to that place that you SEEM to WANT her to go to, in her mind, it will soon come out -- at least it did for us, and for many other home educators I've spoken to).

Remember to make time for you. Having a school-age child at home all day is NOT like having preschoolers at home, and Mommy needs to have "quiet time", too. Make sure you get it.

If you need to chat, we're here. Many of us have been where you are, and know exactly what you're going through. Hang tough -- it gets better, I promise!


----------



## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

Check HSLDA (www.hslda.org) for the laws about pulling a child out of school. I have never done that. I know that at the first of the year, if you sign up with an umbrella school, you do not have to have any interaction with the school. (Just moved to WA from TN. I homeschooled in TN for 8 years.) 

I don't know your religious affiliation so I can't really make a reccommendation about an umbrella school. I used Aaron Academy, which is Christian. If that is not objectionable to you, you might call them. They are based in Hendersonville. They have soccer teams and etc in Rutherford co. (where I used to live) though. They will be able to answer your question about how to pull a kid out of school better than I can. They are very organized, and have all of their ducks in a row over there, which is what you need right now. You want to do this right and cross all your legal t's and etc... There is another umbrella school that is in Memphis that a lot of people use because they are very "hands off". They are not very organized either. (At least they weren't when we used them.) This might not be the year to use them, since you are pulling a kid out of school. If "hands off" is what you want, you may consider them in the future. It wasn't what I wanted, so we switched to Aaron Academy and were very happy there.

Hope that helps,
Cindyc.


----------



## halfpint (Jan 24, 2005)

If your daughter is 5, she may not be required to be enrolled in school. I'm not sure how it's handled if she is already in school though. You might want to give HSLDA a call and ask, and with your situation it would be a good idea to go ahead and join. The peace of mind you get from being able to let HSLDA handle any calls or letters you may get is worth the cost in my opinion (and I've had friends who have had to do this).

And what Tracy recommended about deschooling is great advice. Don't put her in workbooks or textbooks, but spend lots of time reading (you might want to look into the Five in a Row program to get some ideas), going on nature walks, going to the library and just learning alongside of you. Many subjects are covered in everyday tasks, especially cooking. 

If you can find an umbrella school that would work for you, that would be great also. Since your child is not the required enrollment age, they may tell you that you don't "NEED" to be enrolled, but I would suggest that with taking a child out of school it would be best to be enrolled somewhere. You also might be able to find a group that is just for pre-school age children. In Alabama our required age of enrollment is not until 7, so we have several groups in our area that are geared for preschool age children. They have lots of informational meetings, field trips, play days and such - but due to the age requirement no reporting or attendance requirements. The group I'm involved in also has moms who are mentors to two families. 

Let us know how everything goes, I'll be praying for you.

Dawn


----------



## frazzlehead (Aug 23, 2005)

Just a different thought ... if she is 5, can she be allowed to wait another year before starting school? Some kids whose birthdays are close to the cutoff are really 'too young' to handle the strain of full time school and so they are allowed to wait (here, anyway).

It might be another option to pursue - as well as counselling to work through the trauma she's already suffered, poor wee one.

hugs to you!


----------



## Bluegirl (Dec 13, 2004)

Just a warning. The public school my children attends will call DCFS, if a child misses 10 unexcused days of school. Review your school's attendance policy to avoid any problems.


----------



## Callieslamb (Feb 27, 2007)

I am also in TN. Count your blessings you are in TN. The school system here as so much on their plate, they don't want to deal with HS families. I am between Nashville and Memphis - it might be different in your part of the state, but ....the schools here give us absolutely NO assistance - which is fine with me. And yes, do something soon as you can be held negligent if DD is out of school too long. 

You might just call your school district and ask them what the manditory age of school is. The last I checked, it was 6. So I would call them and verify that- if 6 is the age, then just 'withdraw' her from school and go about researching HS in your area. 

Every child is supposed to be registered somewhere. One of your options is to register your daughter with the school district. This is what I did when I pulled my son. It was easier/faster than trying to find an umbrella school quickly. Last year, we switched to the umbrella school and they then requested DS's records from the public school. No one has ever contacted us about it from the PS system. 

Do read the rules for TN and become familiar with them. You will find many good umbrella schools that you can use - almost too many! There are TONS of homeschoolers in TN. 

You are supposed to verify that you school for 4 hours a day 180 days a year. My umbrella school has a webpage I go to do to that. You cannot school anyone else's child unless you have a teaching certificate. You are supposed to have a High School diploma to HS an elementary aged child. After Elem, you are supposed to have a college degree. DH has the degree for us. Some of the Umbrella schools will provide that function for you -Gateway is one of them. Any HS umbrella that offers a diploma - will work. They are the ones that assign the work then and oversee the education while Mom still plays a very active role. 


I have extra curricular activities I take my DS to each week- we have a group at our YMCA - about 150 kids; they offer Spanish, Science, Gym, Swim, Art, and sewing. We now have a second program run specifically by HS moms - at a parks and rec center - we do tennis, gym, science, sewing, art there too. Look around you, there are plenty of Moms that can help you. And I can say from personal experience they are wonderful people to get to know. They will have a lot of experience you can draw from also. 

I am very sorry that your daughter has had to experience this. I wish you the most success with your new home school.


----------



## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

frazzlehead said:


> Just a different thought ... if she is 5, can she be allowed to wait another year before starting school? Some kids whose birthdays are close to the cutoff are really 'too young' to handle the strain of full time school and so they are allowed to wait (here, anyway).
> 
> It might be another option to pursue - as well as counselling to work through the trauma she's already suffered, poor wee one.
> 
> hugs to you!


This is what I was thinking. If she hasn't hit the mandatory school age, just go into the school and withdraw her. Tell them from everything you see, she's just not ready and you'll try again next year. Don't tell them that you may homeschool her this year and beyond....that's not important at the moment. This would also give you more time to research what you want to do. 

Although, I did see this at HSLD:
The truancy laws of Tennessee are applicable to children and parents who enroll their child in a public school for more than six weeks, even though the child is less than six (6) years of age. Â§ 49-6-3007(g).

Not sure, but you may need to look into the truancy laws. But then again school may agree she's not ready and it could be a non-issue.


----------



## Terri (May 10, 2002)

SHE MISSES RECESS TIME IF SHE DOES NOT KNOW THE ANSWER?!?!?

That is bizarre!

She might not be ready for school yet, and she might need a different teacher. Or homeschool. 

It is all good, but do NOT leave her as she is! She is trying to cope, she is doing her best, and she cannot!


----------



## Callieslamb (Feb 27, 2007)

Terri said:


> SHE MISSES RECESS TIME IF SHE DOES NOT KNOW THE ANSWER?!?!?


No, that's school in the midsouth.


----------



## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Callieslamb said:


> No, that's school in the midsouth.


Huh. My kids would have had a fit, also!


----------



## frugalmomma2 (May 24, 2008)

Hi I am in Knoxville and Knox county is horrible. I use Daniel 1 Academy in Cookeville they are great. If you call them they are very helpful. You do not have to be near them. You are considered a teacher and you and your child will get a card. 
To pull her out of school all you need to do is sign paper work to transfer her records to the school you are registered with. 

Here is there info.
Daniel 1 Academy
1654 Burgess Falls Rd
Cookeville, Tn. 38506
931-432-1496

They were very helpful when I had a teenage that I transfered from public school and my 10 yr. old has been there since he started. They will help you understand what you need with our laws and all.

Feel free to contact me anytime.


----------



## Still Learning (Dec 5, 2006)

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really appreciate them all.  And yep, she missed her recess time last week because she didn't know the answer when the teacher called on her -- and because she'd underlined words on her worksheet instead of circling the words. Well, technically, she did go outside with her class... she just had to take her worksheet/pencil/eraser and spend the entire time erasing & correcting her worksheet while sitting on the bench. How's that for encouraging an already anxious, perfectionist kindergartener?? :nono: No wonder she's having a panic attack about being called on and not getting the answer right! I would too. 

Update --> I have not done my homeschool umbrella paperwork yet but I do plan on doing that this coming week. I wanted to have time to think about it more before making a rash decision and regretting it later. I also wanted to make sure DH was onboard, and thankfully he is 100%. After speaking with some other parents at this school today during the field trip, I think I would pull my kids out anyways... whew, what stories they had. Those of you blessed with wonderful schools with good administration --> you're sooo lucky! 

DD only missed that one day so I'm not worried about truancy (yet anyways!). I have learned that the school principal does not allow ANY changes of teachers regardless of the reasoning... so that idea is out. It was a short-lived idea anyway but not having the option really stinks. Honestly, the principal steers clear of me -- I think he didn't appreciate me complaining about DS seeing the 9/11 video of the airplanes going into the building. Oh well, you can't win em all huh? lol 

The school counselor did see me in the hallway today and reminded me to be very consistent in the mornings to help DD cope with coming to school. I politely smiled (while grinding my teeth)... while thinking of how soon she (and DS) would be at home and not worrying about even getting out of our pajamas if we didn't want to! lol 

I read up on TN law, and it looks like even though DD just turned 5 (with 6 being the mandatory age for school)... that because she has been enrolled in school for more than 4 weeks (or was it 6 wks?) -- anyways, she's been enrolled so long that I couldn't just pull her out to wait a year. So I guess legally I'd have to enroll her somewhere which is what I'd planned on doing anyway.

I've got everything lined up on the paper front so we're ready to go! Woohoo! :hobbyhors Thanks again everyone for your response, I so appreciate it!


----------



## hobbyfarmer (Oct 10, 2007)

Congratulations on your progress with DD so far. I'm not in TN so I can't help you with the laws there but we HS our 7 yr old DD just north of you in KY (14 yr old DD attends the public high school). 

I just wanted to add that as a child I had HUGE problems with anxiety at school. Only way back when they didn't have a label for it. I changed teachers in the 1st grade but it didn't help and from Kindergarten all the way through High School, I had fits of nausea and vomiting before and during school several times a week sometimes. A few times I was sent home from school with hives all over my body. I spent the first three years of school being examined by every doctor my parents could find getting test after test after test...... Since the doctors couldn't find anything wrong w/me, they decided it must be 'in my head' and I had to go on through the next 12 years of life that way. I was a good student and earned several awards and honors but never got over being nervous in school.

I'm so happy for your daughter that you have recognized her anxiety and are taking action on her behalf. 

Best wishes to you both. :grouphug:


----------



## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

Just an update... The law that says you have to have a college degree after elementary school to homeschool was changed several years ago. Now you only need to have graduated from high school. I believe even a GED is allowded, but I am not sure. I homeschooled in TN above elementary grades without a degree with no trouble at all. You can breathe a sigh of relief if that is an issue for you. 

Cindyc.


----------



## Terri (May 10, 2002)

How about an update?


----------



## cathleenc (Aug 16, 2007)

as a fellow mom of an anxious child, I'm following this and hoping for an update too!


----------



## Still Learning (Dec 5, 2006)

Hey everyone! Sorry to leave you hanging, it's been busy around here. 

Well, the kids are still in school... for now... while I tie up some loose ends of the many things I've got going on (had to request our foster daughter to be placed elsewhere, which was very hard to do but was the right decision; and court/probate issues that has taken 2 years to almost have completed... Nov 10th will hopefully be the end and it'll be all done. woohoo!). 

They had a 2 week fall break which was wonderful and we actually did some "school" for several days. DD requested some work to do, how cool is that?!? They both started school back yesterday -- and DD has had stomach aches both mornings, but no crying. She's not overly excited about it still -- but atleast not crying & running out of there! So, that's an improvement atleast. 

However, DS (in 4th grade) came home today telling me all about todays lunch table discussion of naked people (is that okay to say? If not, please delete or I can rephrase) -- more specifically, one boys mother running around in that state of dress (or is it "undress"?). There seems to be atleast one little boy in his class that wayyy too advanced in "other" knowledge then he should be. It seems he went into details. Then DS's teacher has to have a "discussion" about what was said in lunch and DS said she talked, and talked, and talked about it. I know calling the school would do no good. I'm disgusted with the whole thing... :bash:

So, it looks like I'll add "pull kids out of school ASAP" to my to-do list & go ahead and order the supplies that I will need instead of waiting with my fingers crossed hoping it all works out. :help:

Thanks to everyone who shared their own stories with anxiety and school issues, I cannot tell you how helpful it was to me to know that she's not the only one that didn't just mold right in with it all. It's sure been a struggle... but I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. It's a long tunnel -- but that's okay! :cowboy:


----------



## Mid Tn Mama (May 11, 2002)

I've been thinking and praying about this. All children are somewhere on a spectrum(sp) and your daughter is at the far end of the "feeling anxiety about new things" end of the spectrum.

Before taking her out of school, I'd suggest working with her one on one on the things she has a little trouble with at school. Learning is not just about the curriculum, but includes time management, learning how to share with others, not interrupting, paying attention and a whole host of things that maybe are not explained by "sitting out at recess and correcting her mistakes." Learning to do something correctly the first time is a life skill. Fixing one's mistakes so you can proceed to the next lesson is another. Recess is the motivator. 

It would help her feel much better to be in school if she feels she has friends. This is a learned skill just like others. Invite a girl home after school to play or start a brownie girl scout troop at her school so the kids can play and get to know one another.

I'm glad it's getting better. Even so, there will still be those days that she goes backward. But hopefully she will make far more forward steps in the future.


----------

