# Isolation a growing elder problem?



## Micheal

Been reading articles about how isolation is becoming a problem for the elderly. Mainly because of several problems as in physical/medical limitations, financial limits, distance from family, and the death of friends and family. The last part, the death of friends specially long time friends, sorta hits home with me with the list of my close friends is growing short, very short......
Which brings me to ponder how easy is it for you to make new and lasting friends? Now I'm not talking about those acquaintances that you see, work with, or because that person waits on you. Nor by association because you belong to ___ or worship at ____.
What I'm talking about is a friend that you would, without thought, do for them as they for you. Someone you would invite to go to lunch and pick up the tab without keeping score as to who bought last time...
So are you more like me - not to easy to friend or is your group of friends so large that death of one is not so important to create a void?


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## whiterock

Running short. Lost one of my lifelong friends about 10 years ago. One lives across the state. One still works and is on rotating shift so even though we both live same place we grew up I still don't see him that much. Retired 11 years ago due to health and divorced a few months later, saw a woman for 5 years then I broke my legs and she took off. Had friends that I used to go out to eat with once or twice a week, their personal economic issues keep them eating at home now, even when they "eat out" they usually get take out and eat at home. He took new job that puts him at work at around 5 am and hits the bed early so maybe every three or four months I will eat out with them, usually when youngest son is home on leave, he seems to think of me as a surrogate grandfather.
Mostly I see the young man that runs cattle on my place, another young family invites me for cook outs three or four times a year. Daughter and her family are the people i see most now. Son lives out of state.
Yep, I'm a bit isolated even though the city limits is now on my north fence line. HOuses all the way to town, which used to be 7 miles away when I was a kid.


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## miggyb

My wife was about the only friend I had others, through mishaps and hard living faded away one at a time and then my wife passed. I realized how empty one can feel. I am also hard to befriend or reluctant to make the effort. I moved to Mo., to find even more solitude and I'm determined to live out my retirement ,concentrating on my land and leaving some kind of legacy for my family. I can find people to talk to. Making friends at this point? I just don't know.


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## ceresone

I am not sure isolation is so bad. i find that the more i see of people, the more i like my solitude. i second guess what they might have meant in what they said--or disagree with what they say. i dont think i'm just getting old and canterous, i just prefer my own company. the farm, my animals, the birds, deer, my garden-- my daughter that lives 90 miles away, calls every morning about 5 am, to be sure i am ok thats usually enough social activity for me


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## Forcast

For me its very hard. Not feeling good. Low funds cut out extra driving to visit family. Family dont visit her but once a year maybe. One son I have not seen in over a year. They are busy. When I worked full time it was a bit different. I was tired by the end of the work day and the coworkers would go to bars. Not my thing. Sad to say but when you have less to offer you dont have as many friends and family visits.


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## Belfrybat

I have a hard time make close friends. Most of the ones I had are either deceased or live a distance a way. There are a lot of folks who would say they are my friends, but they are really acquaintances. I want to take a week long trip this June and realise I have no one to call to come feed the cat while I'm away. I'll have to either board her or pay a stranger to feed her. Yet, I would offer to do something like that for just about everyone I know. 

I guess the on-line groups like forums and social media fill in for many people. I enjoy the conversations, but it's not the same as having someone local to hang around with.


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## jwal10

We have worked hard to maintain our long time friendships but only 3 left. 1 from work at the city, 1 from when we farmed and 1 from my grade school days. All live close, we do lunch once a month or more. Helps that they all have wives Sweetie calls friends too. She has 1 good friend near, went off on a midlife crisis, she divorced and I am not friends with either ex or current. Sweetie has a couple friends from school/church. Kids are both real close to us. DS stopped by yesterday and we were talking about us redoing our will, nothing really changing, just updating. He brought up about our funerals, he didn't even know anyone to invite except family. We told him we don't want any service at all, just cremation and scatter our ashes in a quiet place at the lake, right after we each pass. Just small quiet family service. Prayer, a recorded song and then go out to dinner. Remember us every time they go somewhere we had gone together as a family. We still go on a yearly vacation together, a couple days to a not family owned destination. Last year it was to Sisters Oregon, rented a house in town on the canal during the weekend of DD's anniversary. This year it is at Astoria Oregon, right on the Columbia River, a nice downtown condo. We always eat too much but we walk everywhere as much as possible and see all the sights. Good times. We also meet every chance we can at our family cabins at the beach and lake, 1 or both as they can....James


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## Shrek

In developed nations , social isolation is increasing across most all age demographics. Although more noticeable in the older age group due to lack of physical mobility as has been the situation over the decades since multigenerational households have decreased, social media has provided a decline in physical world socialization over the past 20 years or so as people of all age demographics retreat into the electronic social media sector during their leisure time more.

I read that some areas now are offering van service for senior activity centers along with their meals on wheels programs to reduce the social isolation of seniors.


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## whiterock

I went to town Monday, Wednesday and Thursday last week. Going again today, dentist and bank, maybe hit a store or two. Haven't been off the place since Thursday. Picked up some dry cleaning that wasn't ready until 5 and hit the bank to make deposit around 3. Hung around town for a couple hours in between. Went to Walmart. Only person I saw that I knew was an old neighbor and a current one. Actually saw the twin neighbor kid twice about 30 minutes apart. Looked for people I knew. Too many new folks here.
I go to local Historical Society meeting once a month just to see people I grew up around.


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## Shrek

The not interested in going online old timers in our area tend to hit the 24/7 diner generally anywhere from midnight to 9 a.m. five or six days a week as a social aspect of their lives.


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## fordy

...........I live alone , but I'm not lonely ! I go to town 3 times a week for YMCA workout , and I buy groceries and gas on these visits.........I stay at home as much as possible to keep fuel cost down ! I'm on a very limited income so I have to watch what I spend .
...........I've tried helping the oldsters with their workout routine(s) since I've done this since I was 12 years old , 58 years . But , my receptions have not been what I would expect........as they act like I'm interfering with their workout . So , I just mind my own business and keep my mouth shut . , fordy


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## Forcast

Do you ever say really stupid stuff? Ran into an neighbour for 15 years ago and a different state. Are kids are the same ages. I asked what her daughter is doing. Here "She is a Sunday school teacher" me Your kidding? And I started laughing. You see they sent their daughter to a very very expansive college. I sent my kids to Community College s and they felt sorry for my kids cause I didnt send them to Yale. Anyway being away from people and behaving in public words just spill out without thinking about it.


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## whiterock

Yep, My daughter says I no longer have a filter. I think that means I say what I think, don't worry about what anyone else thinks about it either.


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## Declan

I don't think it is a growing problem except to the extent there are so many old people now and to come with the baby boomer demographic bulge. Goes back to that Cat's Cradle song. People get too busy with their own lives. Anyway, multi-generation households are on the rise, often by necessity as are the numbers of grandparents raising their grandchildren, so it is just a matter of finding place as you age in the lives of those around you. I never plan on getting old so I should be fine.


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## Forcast

I just think its funny that at least my kids and parents(now passed) think its ok for me to drive to them at the drop of a hat. Even when I had a full time job and livestock.


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## motdaugrnds

I do think there is a growing isolation in this world, although I'm not sure it is just with the elderly. It may be more problematic for the elderly though simply due to the limitations they start incurring due to the aging process.

I live alone, on a near poverty financial level out in the country. I've never made friends easily mostly because I don't enjoy what most others enjoy. I'm still that way. I really enjoy having solitude! It has been quite an adjustment simply because I've been use to caring for others even while in my childhood. Then the career I chose was service to others and I tended my mother's needs the last 18 yrs of her life. Raising a son alone actually encouraged my independence too. Now living alone, the major challenge is what to do to help.....

I've often thought of how nice it would be to spend these my last years with a helpmate, preferably a "mature" man who understands me; yet I have nothing to offer such a man. So isolation is the result. It isn't a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination and I've plenty to do tending the farm, i.e. goats, an assortment of fowl, 2 guard dogs plus the garden, orchard and pastures. Then of course there are always "repairs" to be made. The last few weeks I've also been more aware of how I need to tend to my own health needs, especially in the way I eat.

I think the elderly who live alone are cautious and that is a good thing. Creating relationships with others is always risky; however, for the elderly it can be devastating.


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## In The Woods

I am a loner, a hermit, a recluse....all of the above. But yes, I am married for 24 years now.

We both can't work anymore and just stay home taking care of our little homestead. We go to town (50 mile round trip) every other week. That's it other than doctor appointmemts that are also long distance.

We have no "friends". My wife's parents are in their late 70's and live 100 miles away - we see them 2-3 times a year. The only "socializing" I partake in is on forums like this.

We have found we like our self imposed isolation - in fact thrive on it. I guess it is something to be kind of proud of - we have been together 24/7 for the last 5 years now (since I had to stop working). We seem to have an unspoken understanding knowing when to give each other space, and when we need to ge close.

So, isolation? You bet! I'm sure it would be different if either of us were alone. Speaking for myself, if I were alone I would likely sell this place and move to a much more remote 1-room cabin.

I think it may be heriditary. The last 25 years of my father's life he was a hermit in an isolated 1-room cabin.


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## big rockpile

Me and my wife like being isolated but sold our place about 5 years ago. Basically because our neighbor from the city didn't like us there. Wish we had never sold.

big rockpile


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## In The Woods

big rockpile said:


> Me and my wife like being isolated but sold our place about 5 years ago. Basically because our neighbor from the city didn't like us there. Wish we had never sold.
> 
> big rockpile


I feel for you! Luckily we have no neighbors. The closest building is a weekend rental but can't see it from our house.

I toyed with the idea of a retirement community since we both have a hard time getting about. My wife's parents live in a neat place in a rural Amish farming area. Each has their own little cottage and everything is taken care of - grounds and building maintenance plus even appliances. We stayed over once in a cottage for visitors. I found that we just aren't ready for that yet as difficult as it is to keep up with our place. Someday in the future, yes.


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## Jlynnp

Forcast said:


> I just think its funny that at least my kids and parents(now passed) think its ok for me to drive to them at the drop of a hat. Even when I had a full time job and livestock.


I totally understand where you are coming from. DH and I are in our 60's and our children are all in Michigan, they don't bother to come visit us in TN as it is just to far. BUT they expect us to drive up there, ummmm it is the same distance for us.


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## Forcast

Ya that road runs both ways! Bet they will make the drive after Im dead.


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## Jlynnp

Ours will sure be surprised after we are dead. If they drive down they better bring enough money to drive back because we certainly not be leaving them only. To us an inheritance is something to be earned not just given.


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## GTX63

I'll refer to the old saying "The more people I meet the more I like my dog..."

Other than family, I'm content to have acquaintances over a lot of friends. A little casual conversation and off we can all go to our lives. Forums and facebook and chat online give me enough contact to keep my mind busy. A typical day with chores and critters and a radio in the shop suits me fine.
This is just my opinion and only my own preference; I used to be very social and outgoing and known by many. As time goes by, I tend to not want to look back so much as to live for today and a little for tomorrow. So running into old friends is ok for a bit, but I just don't have the desire to know the details of everyone's life and as folks change, so does my desire to maintain that close bond. With current friends, just a hi and by and glad your still going is fine.


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## lmrose

Our children and two grandchildren are all across Canada so we are lucky to see them once every year or two. We wouldn't move from where we live because my husband has lived here his whole 72 years. He has 4 siblings that he never sees except at weddings, funerals and New Years family get togethers. He has a lot of male accquaintenes who stop by but only two good friends. Myself I know a lot of people but none I call close friends. Some I have one sided relationships with where I call them but they never call me. Others stop me if I am out walking in our small town. They have problems and need someone to listen to. I have one cousin left in a southern state I can talk to on the phone. All my immediate family has long ago died.We both need solitude at times and time alone.
My best friend is my husband who I can talk to. Except there are times I think he is listening but he is really asleep saying " Yes dear" automatically when I say; " Honey are you awake?"


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## Farmerjack41

After 34 yrs in law enforcement, I have had about all the public I need, so semi-isolation works for me. When I go to town, am careful to do so when fewer people might be out. Son & daughter in law live about 3 hours away, catch up with them 2 or 3 times a month. Grand kids are not close for the most part, great granddaughter will be moving closer this month. Have friends I see or talk to from once a month to some daily. Guess you could say I am not impressed with what society has become. I to like the old saying, as quoted before about liking my dog.


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## Teej

Growing up our Saturday ritual was to get up early, go to town and stop to check in on paternal grandmother, maternal grandfather and grandmother, my dad's aunts and uncle (one lived on her own and then my other great aunt had never married and lived with my great uncle and his wife...so 2 stops for them), get groceries and you stopped at every store in town to buy their specials and get home in time to eat lunch. I've always wondered how we did all that before noon. LOL On holidays dad would drive to town, pick them up and bring them out to the house to celebrate with us. In other words we made sure they weren't isolated.

My nieces and nephews are good, kind people but I can't imagine a one of them going to that trouble. If I called them and said I needed them, of course they'd be here, but just to stop in for a visit, no way. We even had to give up getting together every holiday because none of them were willing to pick up the torch and my siblings and I are getting old enough it's just too hard for us to deal with. We all get together on Christmas Eve and that's the only time I see some of them in a year's time, even the one who only lives 7 miles away.


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## MoonRiver

I haven't had enough energy to have friends for about 20 years. I never know if I will have enough energy to take on a planned activity, so I don't plan any. It's hard to find someone that is willing to go at the drop of a hat when you can't return the favor.

I often have several days in a row when I do pretty good, and then days when it's too much trouble to even talk to someone. Not real good friend material.

I still think small neighborhoods of tiny houses would be great for seniors.


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## whiterock

Daughter has been on a cruise this past week. While she has been gone her husband has been calling me daily to check on me. Had a Dr appt on Monday and grand daughter and one of daughter's friends went with me to make sure that someone other than me heard what the doc had to say. Son in law and grand daughter came to get me last night to go out to eat.


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## Wolf mom

After working with seniors for years as a case manager, I believe in this old adage, "People are as happy as they want to be".

Don't have adult children visit? Maybe it's because they are so busy on weekends along with holding down a 40 hour work week, they just may feel it would be easier if you came to visit - after all you are retired, and have more time. Plus, Maybe they are just tired of hearing the same old same old.
Are you interested enough in life to bring something new to the conversation?

Wanna see your kids? Call them up - say, I know how busy you are....I'll be there at 12:30 with lunch. Then bring a picnic lunch for all, along with a topic of conversation other than you. I do that - drive 3 hours to see them for 2. But it works and that's the bottom line!

Don't have friends? Like your isolation? Sure - I do too. I'm my own best friend. What do you do when you are in need and your children are unavailable? Need transportation? Need someone to take care of an animal? Have you done that for someone recently? You have to give in order to receive. NO friends? Join a group. I am not a groupie either - but I join to make a couple friends then fade away. Or volunteer!

Sure, as we get older, our world narrows. That does not mean we can't/won't/aren't still be interested in life outside of ourselves. Most times when I hear the word "can't", I insert "Won't" as that's where the reality lies. Can't exercise? Take it in small doses - you don't have to hike Mt. Everest on the first try.

Life yesteryear is not today's life. We don't have to throw it away, we can keep the good parts and just understand that if we choose to live in yesteryear, it's our choice and we can't complain.


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## Ralphy

whiterock said:


> Running short. Lost one of my lifelong friends about 10 years ago. One lives across the state. One still works and is on rotating shift so even though we both live same place we grew up I still don't see him that much. Retired 11 years ago due to health and divorced a few months later, saw a woman for 5 years then I broke my legs and she took off. Had friends that I used to go out to eat with once or twice a week, their personal economic issues keep them eating at home now, even when they "eat out" they usually get take out and eat at home. He took new job that puts him at work at around 5 am and hits the bed early so maybe every three or four months I will eat out with them, usually when youngest son is home on leave, he seems to think of me as a surrogate grandfather.
> Mostly I see the young man that runs cattle on my place, another young family invites me for cook outs three or four times a year. Daughter and her family are the people i see most now. Son lives out of state.
> Yep, I'm a bit isolated even though the city limits is now on my north fence line. HOuses all the way to town, which used to be 7 miles away when I was a kid.


Hello.
We have to face reality in USA today, everybody love young people. and some other societies is the same like us, like in Spain. in every show I see from Spain is the young ones the one who know everything
I am a missionary and people in other countries value the opinion and want to spend time with the seniors. Here I think the best way is to belong to a library and to a church and visit them regularly. We always wait for other people to do things for us to visit us or to invite us, but we do nothing all the way around, we have a lady from church we visit regularly and we take care of her needs, I write cards and letter to all my friends and I text them, do they text me or write me, NOOOOO but they love it when I do, they may call me once in a while, and they tell me, every morning I text my brother my son and my daughter very difficult for them to visit and to text back or call me. But that's the way it is. People are careless too busy and too busy with FACEBOOK which I refuse to continue putting my life in displace in that website. God Speed....Ralph


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## Ralphy

Jlynnp said:


> I totally understand where you are coming from. DH and I are in our 60's and our children are all in Michigan, they don't bother to come visit us in TN as it is just to far. BUT they expect us to drive up there, ummmm it is the same distance for us.


I do have the same problem and is todays problem in our society, we can not divorce our children...


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## Jlynnp

Jlynnp said: ↑
I totally understand where you are coming from. DH and I are in our 60's and our children are all in Michigan, they don't bother to come visit us in TN as it is just to far. BUT they expect us to drive up there, ummmm it is the same distance for us.
QUOTE="Ralphy, post: 7904189, member: 2286"]

I do have the same problem and is todays problem in our society, we can not divorce our children... [/QUOTE

For the second time in less than a year we went to Michigan, both times the kids knew we were coming up and we had made plans to get together for a meal. At Christmas we got there and were told "we are just to busy today, we can get together next time" The next time - just a couple weeks ago we again had made plans only to get there to be told once again "sorry we are just so busy". Now we made the drive and went specifically to see then only to be told that basically we were not that important. We will NOT be making the trip to see them again.


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## COSunflower

My youngest son's family moved to the coast - about a 5 hr. drive in good weather. We text, write and talk on phone. When they are over this way they always come to see me. They know that it is physically difficult for me to go places very far and my car is very old. My older son lives 30 miles away and usually I am the one to go see them. He is a prison officer and works many extra shifts and half shifts to support his large family. They only have one car. I try to go visit them all every 2-3 weeks in summer. They stop by and visit if they are ever going this way (drs. appts. etc.) In the winter I usually only see them on holidays and I go there as it is so hard to bundle up and get 5 kids going...  We also keep in touch by text, phone and facebook. I love my family and know without a doubt that they love me. If I have any problem, they are there to help.


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## topofmountain

I'm retired but my wife works still. She is 9 years younger & a SPED teacher wants to work 7 more years. Most of my longtime friends have pasted. But I'm busy building our retirement home which is 130 miles from where we live. I try to go down a few days a week. But I just had surgery for a detached retina. That has slowed me down. In Dec I'm hoping to have my other knee replaced. But life is what you made it. Last winter both my knees were so bad I couldn't hardly walk my service dog died and found myself in a deep depression. This year I decided to not go there again. I have made contact with some newer friend in a town 70 miles away and have decided this year to go visit them once a week & to work on our retirement house. If I can stay busy my mind doesn't go to bad places for me.


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## motdaugrnds

Strange for me...

For the first time in my entire life (now 76 years) I'm having difficulty pulling myself out of a semi-state of depression, i.e. not wanting to muster up enough energy to get things done. Don't understand this as I've never been one to let grass grow under my feet...if you know what I mean.

Just seams I look out on this homestead for which I'm extremely thankful; and as I look I see so much that needs doing. Some of course I am not physically able to do (like re-doing an entire roof) and some I know I will have problems doing (like walking around the back of the barn and getting rid of the tall grass/weeds so as to discourage any unwanted crawlers. I also have a portion of my barn that has been leaking for awhile. I know I should not be up on a slanted roof as I tend to lose my balance (without cause at times); yet it is such a small amount of work that needs to be done there that I've already cut the rolled roofing, poured the tar into a container I can handle and placed all I need on the top step to my loft waiting for me to fix this part of my barn.

It just seems like I'm hearing "what's the use" too much. I know this is a semi-depressed state and should be able to pull myself out of it. Just have not been able to. Hoping tomorrow morning when I get up on that roof I will have enough energy back to actually get it fixed....

I suspect many elderly people go thru what I'm experiencing. I've often thought of how nice it would be if we all could have out own small living area on the same piece of property with a "community" garden/orchard/barn/animals/etc. Then when one didn't feel like working, another would. And I have no doubt if I saw another out working, my depressed state would lift and I would immediately gain enough energy to join them....strange life being elderly......


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## IndyDave

motdaugrnds said:


> Strange for me...
> 
> For the first time in my entire life (now 76 years) I'm having difficulty pulling myself out of a semi-state of depression, i.e. not wanting to muster up enough energy to get things done. Don't understand this as I've never been one to let grass grow under my feet...if you know what I mean.
> 
> Just seams I look out on this homestead for which I'm extremely thankful; and as I look I see so much that needs doing. Some of course I am not physically able to do (like re-doing an entire roof) and some I know I will have problems doing (like walking around the back of the barn and getting rid of the tall grass/weeds so as to discourage any unwanted crawlers. I also have a portion of my barn that has been leaking for awhile. I know I should not be up on a slanted roof as I tend to lose my balance (without cause at times); yet it is such a small amount of work that needs to be done there that I've already cut the rolled roofing, poured the tar into a container I can handle and placed all I need on the top step to my loft waiting for me to fix this part of my barn.
> 
> It just seems like I'm hearing "what's the use" too much. I know this is a semi-depressed state and should be able to pull myself out of it. Just have not been able to. Hoping tomorrow morning when I get up on that roof I will have enough energy back to actually get it fixed....
> 
> I suspect many elderly people go thru what I'm experiencing. I've often thought of how nice it would be if we all could have out own small living area on the same piece of property with a "community" garden/orchard/barn/animals/etc. Then when one didn't feel like working, another would. And I have no doubt if I saw another out working, my depressed state would lift and I would immediately gain enough energy to join them....strange life being elderly......


I don't know if you have thought of this or not, but today my cardiologist and I were discussing some of these types of symptoms being a manifestation of physical problems, so you may want to consider having that checked such as to at least rule it out as a potential cause.


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## IndyDave

COSunflower said:


> My youngest son's family moved to the coast - about a 5 hr. drive in good weather. We text, write and talk on phone. When they are over this way they always come to see me. They know that it is physically difficult for me to go places very far and my car is very old. My older son lives 30 miles away and usually I am the one to go see them. He is a prison officer and works many extra shifts and half shifts to support his large family. They only have one car. I try to go visit them all every 2-3 weeks in summer. They stop by and visit if they are ever going this way (drs. appts. etc.) In the winter I usually only see them on holidays and I go there as it is so hard to bundle up and get 5 kids going...  We also keep in touch by text, phone and facebook. I love my family and know without a doubt that they love me. If I have any problem, they are there to help.


Your son has my sympathy. I was a correctional officer at one time. It was a job I should have quit the day before I started.


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## Pyrpup2016

Motdaugrnds, I feel your pain!! I'm 75, have always been an active ranch gal, have lived alone most of my life, doing whatever needed to be done - including having a goat dairy (up at 4 am, milking over 100 does twice a day, every day). Now, having retired just a year ago, I'm depressed, inactive, feel trapped in my life, never have enough to help my daughter/granddaughter as much as I want to, and they need. Way too often, I look at something that needs to be done and think "it'll wait until tomorrow". And of course it does, and still needs to be done. I'm dreading winter this year, as the snow will keep me home more than ever before. Knitting will become the activity to keep me going! I do stock up on foodstuffs, so won't starve, but the loneliness will be brutal - as it was last winter. I have many acquaintances, but no real friends. I think we aren't the only ones, M!!


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## In The Woods

motdaugrnds said:


> Strange for me...
> 
> For the first time in my entire life (now 76 years) I'm having difficulty pulling myself out of a semi-state of depression, i.e. not wanting to muster up enough energy to get things done. Don't understand this as I've never been one to let grass grow under my feet...if you know what I mean.
> 
> Just seams I look out on this homestead for which I'm extremely thankful; and as I look I see so much that needs doing. Some of course I am not physically able to do (like re-doing an entire roof) and some I know I will have problems doing (like walking around the back of the barn and getting rid of the tall grass/weeds so as to discourage any unwanted crawlers. I also have a portion of my barn that has been leaking for awhile. I know I should not be up on a slanted roof as I tend to lose my balance (without cause at times); yet it is such a small amount of work that needs to be done there that I've already cut the rolled roofing, poured the tar into a container I can handle and placed all I need on the top step to my loft waiting for me to fix this part of my barn.
> 
> It just seems like I'm hearing "what's the use" too much. I know this is a semi-depressed state and should be able to pull myself out of it. Just have not been able to. Hoping tomorrow morning when I get up on that roof I will have enough energy back to actually get it fixed....
> 
> I suspect many elderly people go thru what I'm experiencing. I've often thought of how nice it would be if we all could have out own small living area on the same piece of property with a "community" garden/orchard/barn/animals/etc. Then when one didn't feel like working, another would. And I have no doubt if I saw another out working, my depressed state would lift and I would immediately gain enough energy to join them....strange life being elderly......


Been there. After being a bull all my life suddenly I have a hard time getting to the bathroom.

I would sit here just like you - what's the sense? But IndyDave has a very good point. More than 1/2 the time it is something physical that causes a depression like this.

I am lucky in that I have a very good relationship with my doctor. I've been seeing her for close to 20 years now. She's been with me through everything that both my wife and I have been through. I can easily talk to her about anything. And this is hard for us guys to talk about!

I appreciated what she did with not just throw more medication at me although it was my final choice. I still believed that the root of my problem was my phyisical inablility to do the things around here I used to do. It's taken years, but I can no work outside for 1 hour each day which is a huge improvement. I am still in pain every day but force myself to go out and get at least one chore done a day. Now I have that feeling of accomplishment again - as little as it is. I found that that was what I was missing. Now in the afternoon when I am whooped and in my chair I don't feel guilty about reading my book or watching TV - because I accomplished something today!


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## motdaugrnds

Thanks for sharing InTheWoods. Yes that is how I'm feeling; and since there is no longer anyone in my home to tend to in some way, the "what's the use" attitude comes up. I'm remembering what I learned years ago, however, that I'm as important as were those I cared for. So keeping things up (as much as I can) IS useful. I just don't have anyone pressuring me to get things done. Actually that's a good thing....


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## 360Media

Isolation is dangerous and deadly. I used to believe I just wanted to be a Lone Ranger. It took too long to understand and appreciate the value of community, which I had learned to distrust and disrespect. Boy was I wrong. 

Reach out and nourish/start relationships. Help somebody and forget about your troubles.


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## Clem

360Media said:


> Isolation is dangerous and deadly. ..................................


Everybody don't wear the same sized shoes.

PS I am quite aware this is an old thread, but the new post is as worthy of answering as old ones were, in their time.


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## tiffanysgallery

I can give some input, although probably not helpful, but maybe interesting to some; 

I had a relative who started isolating herself at about the age of 80. She didn't want to go anywhere, she was her own boss, and she was going to have it her own way. It drove her son batty, to say the least. But, what he didn't know was she'd pay us kids to pick up things for her from the store, and then she'd hide it from him. She'd also order take-out to be delivered, shopped on TV, and talked on her telephone everyday for hours, even staying up all night to talk to someone who she said was a wrong number. When her son would visit her, which was often, he'd come in and ask if she'd been sitting all day in her chair, in which she replied, yes! And, so, he would be livid, thinking she was aging away in that darn chair, and saying it would be better for her to live with him and his wife, going places with them, and doing what he wanted. Long story short, she lived to be 95 yrs old, and I do believe she had the best time in her elderly years isolated in her home. And as for her son, she never let on how much she was getting into, for she wanted a different kind of relationship with him, knowing he'd never understand how she wanted to live her own life. 

I think the lesson I learned from her, is that you do all you can, and if you find a way to work it out, you do it, and after that you just don't worry about it, and if some just don't get it, well, that their problem.


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## Wolf mom

yes this is an old but important thread.

Two months ago I went to the Dr as I also felt like I could sit in my chair all day - depression? No energy to do anything, even if I made up my mind I was going to do something today!!

To make a long story short, after pushing my Dr. (2 different blood tests at different times, etc) I do have a thyroid issue. On meds and feel better.

What I learned from this is that I do have to take things into my own hands and insist that there is something physically wrong - not "oh, you're just depressed"....


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## pointsevenout

After reading through this topic, the majority opinion is that isolation is not a growing elder problem. I too agree with that assessment. I like being alone. Have done it all my life. Get away from me kid or I'll bean you with my cane! I treasure my solitude. If I want to be entertained, there are various outlets for me to choose from. Me to choose - not some young flatbelly do gooder that thinks I need supervision. I may be getting slow with age related infirmities but I can deal with it. I do what I want within my abilities. When I need help I will reach out for it.


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## In The Woods

pointsevenout said:


> After reading through this topic, the majority opinion is that isolation is not a growing elder problem. I too agree with that assessment. I like being alone. Have done it all my life. Get away from me kid or I'll bean you with my cane! I treasure my solitude. If I want to be entertained, there are various outlets for me to choose from. Me to choose - not some young flatbelly do gooder that thinks I need supervision. I may be getting slow with age related infirmities but I can deal with it. I do what I want within my abilities. When I need help I will reach out for it.


Well said!


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## Teej

Well my mom is a social butterfly and us kids made her give up her car last week. That is so not going well but at 87, almost 88 it was long past time for her to quit driving. According to her she would have rather killed herself in a car crash than sit alone staring at 4 walls but her very next sentence in the conversation was that she was gaining weight from everybody either visiting and bringing her food or taking her out to eat.


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## lmrose

GTX63 said:


> I'll refer to the old saying "The more people I meet the more I like my dog..."
> 
> Other than family, I'm content to have acquaintances over a lot of friends. A little casual conversation and off we can all go to our lives. Forums and facebook and chat online give me enough contact to keep my mind busy. A typical day with chores and critters and a radio in the shop suits me fine.
> This is just my opinion and only my own preference; I used to be very social and outgoing and known by many. As time goes by, I tend to not want to look back so much as to live for today and a little for tomorrow. So running into old friends is ok for a bit, but I just don't have the desire to know the details of everyone's life and as folks change, so does my desire to maintain that close bond. With current friends, just a hi and by and glad your still going is fine.


I also am aware this is an older thread and I found it while reading everything I missed when I was too blind to read! It is so wonderful to have eye sight again! I must say I agree with the above post. I look forward not backward because none of us can recover the years gone from our lives of the past. I have two "friends" I see occasionally but they are mostly one sided friendships. I call them once in awhile but they don't call me. I do have people I encounter and say Hi to if I go to a store or anywhere and they usually are more than willing to share what is going on in their lives as they too have no one to talk to. I and a few others have been attending a mental health class by invitation to help 2nd year students have an opportunity to talk to real life people who have dealt with mental issues either with themselves or with family members. I enjoy helping where I can and this is the third time in six years I have taken part. Still I have to force myself to get out and participate.

Although we temporarily have an apartment in town I rarely 
see people other than the class mentioned which ends soon. My husband and I talk to each other and that is enough talking for me! I am an introvert and don't do well in crowds of people. My husband has friends who visit him and he gets along with everyone. Right now I am homesick for the country and can't wait until next Spring when we will be back on our land and at the cabin and getting our house trailer ready to live in. I miss our goat and look forward to her being with us April 1st. I miss the wild life and birds and solitude of nature. Although I must say I was surprised to see small herds of deer in Yarmouth town! They feed in back yards and seem to know to move into town during hunting season. There were also two young coyotes in the driveway one morning! I am most content with Bill and the critters and reading and writing. I just don't need a lot of social contact so can't see I would be lonely even by my self.


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## Alondra

whiterock said:


> Running short. Lost one of my lifelong friends about 10 years ago. One lives across the state. One still works and is on rotating shift so even though we both live same place we grew up I still don't see him that much. Retired 11 years ago due to health and divorced a few months later, saw a woman for 5 years then I broke my legs and she took off. Had friends that I used to go out to eat with once or twice a week, their personal economic issues keep them eating at home now, even when they "eat out" they usually get take out and eat at home. He took new job that puts him at work at around 5 am and hits the bed early so maybe every three or four months I will eat out with them, usually when youngest son is home on leave, he seems to think of me as a surrogate grandfather.
> Mostly I see the young man that runs cattle on my place, another young family invites me for cook outs three or four times a year. Daughter and her family are the people i see most now. Son lives out of state.
> Yep, I'm a bit isolated even though the city limits is now on my north fence line. HOuses all the way to town, which used to be 7 miles away when I was a kid.


I guess that as we get older by default we become isolated. Not because of choice but, the young have their families that they need to care for, work and other things.
No much time to take a look around and see who may appreciate at least a “hi, how are you today?” “ may I be of any help?”....


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## Rob

Micheal said:


> Been reading articles about how isolation is becoming a problem for the elderly. Mainly because of several problems as in physical/medical limitations, financial limits, distance from family, and the death of friends and family. The last part, the death of friends specially long time friends, sorta hits home with me with the list of my close friends is growing short, very short......
> Which brings me to ponder how easy is it for you to make new and lasting friends? Now I'm not talking about those acquaintances that you see, work with, or because that person waits on you. Nor by association because you belong to ___ or worship at ____.
> What I'm talking about is a friend that you would, without thought, do for them as they for you. Someone you would invite to go to lunch and pick up the tab without keeping score as to who bought last time...
> So are you more like me - not to easy to friend or is your group of friends so large that death of one is not so important to create a void?


I sorta subscribe to Albert Einstein's philosophy:"_I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity"_


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## Alondra

As we get older, the tendency is that we become more isolated...
I do believe that if you are old and pretty much by your own, try to live in a place that at least you have good neighbors.
Good neighbors sometimes become the only family that you may have.
So, don’t buy a land in the middle of nowhere if you are old and live alone.
That’s a big mistake...


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## frogmammy

Alondra said:


> ....don’t buy a land in the middle of nowhere if you are old and live alone. That’s a big mistake...


Excellent idea!

Mon


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## light rain

If being old and in solitude brings a person comfort, then, why not? If we accept that we are coming to the last part of our lives and folks can't come running every time we have a need then it makes sense to me. 
Whether we live alone or right next door to people we have only so many days to explore/experience the world around us. We/I would rather not have neighbors spraying their yard and mine too with herbicides and pesticides. Also really nice to not be in earshot of couples fights and children and animals not being treated right. You report someone to the police for child abuse you may find a rock coming thru your picture window at two am... 
We are doing our best to get/stay as healthy as possible and acquiring tools/machines to compensate for our lessening strength and mobility. And most of all we pray for our family, our friends, our neighbors and especially wisdom for ourselves...


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## Alondra

light rain said:


> If being old and in solitude brings a person comfort, then, why not? If we accept that we are coming to the last part of our lives and folks can't come running every time we have a need then it makes sense to me.
> Whether we live alone or right next door to people we have only so many days to explore/experience the world around us. We/I would rather not have neighbors spraying their yard and mine too with herbicides and pesticides. Also really nice to not be in earshot of couples fights and children and animals not being treated right. You report someone to the police for child abuse you may find a rock coming thru your picture window at two am...
> We are doing our best to get/stay as healthy as possible and acquiring tools/machines to compensate for our lessening strength and mobility. And most of all we pray for our family, our friends, our neighbors and especially wisdom for ourselves...


I wrote “Good Neighbors” not pest neighbors...


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## motdaugrnds

Well this is definitely last year's thread; still I'm curious as to how everyone is doing. Living alone OR living alone with others remains the same, i.e. either we like it or we don't. Personally I LOVE it! It has been a learning curve in that, when I get into the humdrums of not being able to do what needs doing, I do what I can and allow myself to be ok with that accomplishment. ROFL Oh yes, I've given up my need for perfection!

My need to help remains and I learned to satisfy that in two ways, i.e. mailing out brochures each month (total of 4 brochures and 100 mailed each time) as well as knitting/crocheting for the various agencies around me. All this brings a smile to my face and uplifts my heart.

I hope you have each discovered ways to make your elderly years more positive too.


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## Wolf mom

Wolf mom said:


> After working with seniors for years as a case manager, I believe in this old adage, "People are as happy as they want to be".
> 
> Don't have adult children visit? Maybe it's because they are so busy on weekends along with holding down a 40 hour work week, they just may feel it would be easier if you came to visit - after all you are retired, and have more time. Plus, Maybe they are just tired of hearing the same old same old.
> Are you interested enough in life to bring something new to the conversation?
> 
> Wanna see your kids? Call them up - say, I know how busy you are....I'll be there at 12:30 with lunch. Then bring a picnic lunch for all, along with a topic of conversation other than you. I do that - drive 3 hours to see them for 2. But it works and that's the bottom line!
> 
> Don't have friends? Like your isolation? Sure - I do too. I'm my own best friend. What do you do when you are in need and your children are unavailable? Need transportation? Need someone to take care of an animal? Have you done that for someone recently? You have to give in order to receive. NO friends? Join a group. I am not a groupie either - but I join to make a couple friends then fade away. Or volunteer!
> 
> Sure, as we get older, our world narrows. That does not mean we can't/won't/aren't still be interested in life outside of ourselves. Most times when I hear the word "can't", I insert "Won't" as that's where the reality lies. Can't exercise? Take it in small doses - you don't have to hike Mt. Everest on the first try.
> 
> Life yesteryear is not today's life. We don't have to throw it away, we can keep the good parts and just understand that if we choose to live in yesteryear, it's our choice and we can't complain.


I think this post bears repeating as recent posts read, to me, as if it's other people's problem that the elderly isolate. Yes, sometimes it is if it's due to infirmities, but basically it's their choice.


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## Micheal

Gee, since I started the O.P. guess I should give an up-date also.
Basicly nothing has changed. 
True I'm almost a year older, etc. but I get done what I need to get done, I visit with who(m) I want - ignoring others, and as others have suggested I'm happy with my simi-isolated life as it is.........


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