# Hate to Homeschool?



## redbudlane (Jul 5, 2006)

Is there anybody else out there that is hsing their children and hates it? I'm being really honest and putting myself out there so I would appreciate not being bashed for expressing my true feelings.

My 3 sons all have very poor attitudes about school, they always have, even in public school. Every day is an absolute battle to get them to complete their work, especially to do well on it. Everything they do they throw a fit about having to do it, school, chores, you name it. They are 10, 12 and 15 in 3 weeks. We don't pay them their allowance if they don't do their chores, take things away from them that they like. We even took Thanksgiving away last year! We stayed home and ate spaghetti. We try to reward for good behavior but it's hard when there never is any.

I'm physically and mentally exhausted from trying to get my kids to be good, considerate human beings, make school fun and interesting, keep the house livable, be a good wife, etc. I really am not enjoying hsing at all. BTW, this is our 4th year. Am I the only mother out there that doesn't like hsing?


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

I can't say one way or the other, as I won't even start HSing for another month.

However, I will say that I have _never_ wanted to teach my own children. Speaking as a public school teacher, that was actually one of the reasons I was happy to quit two years ago; my son was going to be in my room the next year. I never wanted to have to figure out how to balance the roles of mom and teacher. And I _really_ enjoy the break I have from my kids, much as I love them, when they get on the bus and head off to school each day. 
So, while I am looking forward to HSing and getting rather excited about it, I'm also dreading it! 

Thanks for reinforcing my dread. :Bawling: lol


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## JennNY (Aug 10, 2006)

Ok, well.. as long as we are doing public confession of sins here... 

ME! 
You are NOT alone! Trust me, you are not alone. I would put some of my kids in p.s. in a heartbeat, if dh would let me. I have 6 kids and I feel very overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted most days. My oldest is a senior, I have a 7th grader, 4th, 3rd, K and a 2 yo. 

Some of my stress is living in NY, where homeschool regs are rigorous. The IHIPS, quarterly reports, end of year testing.. ugghhhhhh, lots of paperwork.

I have to take one day at a time, or I'd lose my mind. Dh is FINALLY, after much talking to him, realizing he needs to pitch in more. He is really making a valiant effort and it is easing my load some. It is a tough, hard job.

My email is [email protected] if you want to chat and get some encouragement.

Keep on keeping on and my main advice.. ENJOY YOUR KIDS!! This is the most difficult aspect of parenting I struggle with. I am so busy, schooling, cleaning, cooking, etc... that I forget to enjoy the kids' God has given me.

The main thing is.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I think there is comfort in numbers! 
Hugs,
Jenn


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

redbudlane said:


> Am I the only mother out there that doesn't like hsing?


I have had moments like that. I have had periods of time in my home where bad attitudes were stealing the fun of the whole thing. It doesn't feel good to work so hard and not get any respect. 

FYI, I don't know if this will help you or not, but in my house, I can say, that what killed the attitude about work was this: In my house, if you have a bad attitude about work, I assume you need more practice doing it with a good attitude, so you get more work. If the work you are not wanting to do is school work, you get more school work. If you drag your feet and take FOREVER to get it done because you are making some kind of passive aggressive point, then you obviously have time in your schedule to do more. If it comes to free time, or weekends, and all assigned work is not done WITHOUT whining, more work will be assigned. You are the master of your own destiny here. You mess around, or mess with me, you spend your days in "indentured servitude". Or, you can just do the normal amount of work without whining or complaining, and do your best at it, and have a life. It is up to you. With my teens/pre-teens, that works! They don't get allowance either. Taking stuff away never worked because it was worth it to them to lose it if it meant they got what they really wanted -which was to not be responsible. But making them have to be MORE responsible before they get to do any other thing, that is a terrible fate. I don't have attitudes about school work, or any other kind of work in my house anymore. Since the fighting is over, we all like homeschooling again. I like getting up and facing the day again. I like my kids again. They like me (believe it or not.  It has been a good decision. 
Good luck,
Cindyc.


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## hmsteader71 (Mar 16, 2006)

I am with you. I loved homeschooling at first. This is my 6th year. My daughter is in college now, my son (8th grade) is going back to public in January, and my step-son went back last year. It was great the first year and a half, but then my step-son was oppositional defiant and made life hell for the next 3 years and it was so stressful on my and my own two that it just hasn't been the same. I have felt like a failure for putting my step-son back last year and now my own son wanting to go back this year. But maybe it just wasn't for us. Don't feel like you are alone. Not by any means. Some dreams just die.


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## longshadowfarms (Nov 27, 2002)

I think to some degree we need to be prepared to assess the situation from time to time. I have hsed for over 10 yrs and really hated hsing some days the last few years. What I didn't realize then though was that my eldest was bipolar. His attitude and behavior were dragging down the whole family. When he was suicidal last year, he ended up hospitalized but then figured out that he could get away with stuff by telling me he wanted to kill himself. He desperately needed boundaries but found a way around them. The year deteriorated to the point where we were considering having him institutionalized until he could be stabilized. At that point we discovered that there was an intensive therapy program attached to our local school district. We signed him up, knowing it was our last resort. For him it has been WONDERFUL! He hates it, but he has stabilized so much and is doing exceptionally well, high honors, etc. He doesn't like being there but he knows that this is the best thing for him because it forces him to do stuff that he would otherwise try to weasel out of. 

Partly because of the attitudes of #1, #3 had also chosen a really rotten attitude. He was determined to go to school as well. With much trepidation we decided to let him go. The first months were really rough and his attitude got worse for a while but he's finally settling in, discovering that there are teachers out there who are tougher than mom and he's really enjoying the social aspect of school. He works tons harder than he ever did at home (he could easily turn a 1 hr job into 8 hrs at home) and his writing is improving dramatically, mostly because other kids at school read his work. Heaven forbid it sound like Dick and Jane material which is the garbage he'd do for me! For him it has been a mixed result, but he was taking up sooooooooooo much of my time and energy that I had nothing left for #2.

#2 is my daughter who is an absolute joy to hs! She stayed home and I'm so glad to have the opportunity to have some time alone with her! She has always been easy and the boys so challenging so she too often got the short end of what was left of mom. The boys are now responsible for their own education (as they should be) and I have the time to dedicate to her. I guess the point of all this is that IMO we shouldn't feel horrible about choosing another schooling option for our kids. So many times hs-ers bash those who have chosen to send their kids back to public school or even to private schools. Each child is different. Each year is different. Needs change. We shouldn't be afraid to look at where we are and where we need to go and re-assess. I'm NOT saying you should give up! I do think that you and hubby need to sit down, possibly with a neutral third party who can help you see what's going on, and try to work through a strategy and openly consider options. If the boys WANT to be home, then they need to know that it is a privilege, not a right. They need to help out with attitudes and chores to keep the house running smoothly. If they don't want to be home, then at some point you need to toss the responsibility for their lives back at them (yeah, that's a tough thing to say, but some kids demand it). My kids have a foundation of values. Now they need to get out there and chose for themselves which route to follow.


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## Guest (Dec 3, 2008)

Add me to the list!!!!


We're in our 5th year and I am BURNT OUT. We have 6 kids, ages 10, almost 10, 8, 4, 4, and 1. the 8 year old is a foster child and has an IEP. So he goes off to public school. My oldest 10 year old has a budding attitude problem and my almost 10 is following behind. Then I have the 4 yeear olds who BEG to "do school" but I don't have enough time for them (GUILT) and I'm feeling like a failure. Did I mention my oldest 10 has slight Fetal Alcohol problems and my almost 10 has a learning disability? 


We're moving in January to a farm and I've already decided that they're all going to get on the bus and go to school. In August my 4's will be going too. While I won't know what to do with just the baby around, I'm having yummy fantasies about being able to go work in the barns with him (he'll be 2.5 by then) and gardening. 

Oh ya. I have The Big Yellow Bus Fantasy BIG TIME.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Okay, so I'm going to be the ogre here. I figure, you were honest enough to put yourself out there, so I'm going to show my respect for your honesty by being equally honest. Here goes:

From your post, it appears that your problem is not academics, but the fact that your children are not very well disciplined.

Now, before you get defensive, let me put it this way -- putting your children in school is NOT going to fix this problem:



> Everything they do they throw a fit about having to do it, school, chores, you name it


So, the problem is NOT home educating them, but dealing with them on any level where they feel that they don't want to do what you tell them to. That, my friend, is a discipline problem.

I would hate home educating undisciplined children who didn't do as they were told, too. Happily, those days are rare around here. Don't get me wrong, we all have challenging days, we all have days where we feel burnt out, and wish that big yellow bus would stop and take it all away, but the fact is, at four o'clock, that big yellow bus brings them back, and the problems come back with them.

Get the discipline back in order, get them to where they'll understand why they must do as they're told, and your problems with hating homeschooling will go away, too. 

Or not. What do I know? I certainly don't know your family, but in all the years I've been doing this, the folks who I've witnessed who are about to pull their hair out because they have the problems you've spoken of all have problems with their children that have NOTHING to do with where they go to school.


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## Callieslamb (Feb 27, 2007)

When I start hating home school- I know that I need to change something. curriculum - schedule, something. Maybe it is just time to put the fun back into learning. Take a week for a unit study of something different. Give them 3 wks of regular work and then 1 of a unit study. Mix it up. Surprise them by doing something really fun - instead of school work one day a week.

Not doing their work or chores is simply a bad habit. They get used to doing things one way and just continue it. If you are having to nag them to get the work done it can be because they are making their work - YOUR problem. You are responsible to MAKE them do it. Time to do some rewards or punishments if the work isn't done well and by a certain time. Make the rule - make it stick. It will be a tough week or so until you make them into believers again. (believing that mom means what she says). 

We all burn out. We all get tired. You are not alone in that.


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## redbudlane (Jul 5, 2006)

Thanks for sharing everyone. It is nice to know I'm not alone.

Tracy, I appreciate your honesty. You are 100% right, it is a discipline problem. My children are not "undisciplined" they just apparently are not being disciplined in the right way. Just like not all curriculums do not fit every child I suppose. I think the real "bare bones" issue is that they do not respect me or each other. 

Dh and I are going to sit down tonight and have a heart to heart about this. Thanks again everyone for your expressions of sympathy, empathy, support and suggestions.


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## Katgowen (Nov 3, 2008)

I am 31; and I came from a home school home(3rd grade-12th) I hated it, and and while I did keep my oldest home for both 3yr pre-k and 4yr pre-k, it was only because I didn't know our state had a program for it, I was told I would have to pay 600.00 a year for just one child. Ends up that the year she turned 4, they started a state run program that she could have qualified for, I sent my next child to it when she turned four and will send my youngest when she turns four. 

Homeschooling can either make or break the relationship between kids; some due to the fact that you are around your mom 24/7 and due to the personality of the child. My parents had 5 kids that they all homeschooled at various stages in schooling. My older siblings are 4 yrs and 2 1/2 years older than I was and had a good relationship with my mom; I on the other hand had issues that my mom did not know how to deal with as well as our personalities clashed big time. My younger siblings are 3 years and 8 years younger than I am and one of them had deslexyia and mom thought that teachers in public school wouldn't understand and the kids would make fun of him and me for our issues. I have ADD; which my mom did not know how to deal with, and she was against medicating as there was still to much unknown, about the side effect of the only add medication back then.

My oldest has my issues and I get frustrated enough with just trying to get her to do home work that she and I would have way more problems with each other if I schooled her at home. I understand what she is going through yet at the same time I know she can do it and that makes it hard for me not to want to yell at her. 

In my honest opinion it takes a special parent and a special sort of child to make home schooling work out right. I am not one of those parents and at times I wish I was.


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

I would like to highly recommend a book that changed my entire family in a flash. It's called _Have A New Kid By Friday_ by Dr. Kevin Leman. I promise, you REALLY WILL have a new kid, _with a new attitude_, in less than a week! It works whether your children are 4 yr. olds or 17 yr olds; ADHD; ADD; or nothing at all.

It isn't a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo but real life techniques that truly work. You just have to be committed to following through with the techniques and I'm promising you that you won't believe the results.

Dr. Leman is also a really humorous guy and the book is an easy and enjoyable read.

I can't blame you at all for hating hsing when you know before you begin it's going to be a battle (been there!). Once you get the children's attitude under control, I promise you it WILL get a ton better. Hang in there and {{hugs}} to all those who are so overwhelmed and stressed.


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## nomad7inwi (Nov 30, 2005)

Just throwing in my 2 cents. I completely understand your frustration and it is an attitude/discipline problem from what I am reading. Sending them to school will not fix the problem , just as taking them out of school to hs would not fix the underlying problem. Something that stuck out for me was when I read that your children get paid for doing their chores. I am not against allowance as it helps teach money management, but I personally do not think it should be tied to doing basic household chores. We are all members of this family and we work together to make it happen. I don't get paid to do my chores, why should they? We will pay them for extras. And I MIGHT charge them if they do not / cannot do their chores. They get some spending money/allowance because tehy are memebers of this family and they do chores because they are members of this family. They do not do their regular chores for pay. It works (most of the time) in this house. Like I said just my 2 cents. I don't know how it would play in your house, or that you even agreee with that veiwpoint.

My thoughts go out to you. It is very difficult to change attitudes.


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## Sonshine (Jul 27, 2007)

Sometimes I love it and other times I hate it. But in the end, I believe it's the best thing for my family.


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## Vashti (Dec 22, 2006)

I'm with Sonshine. Some days are just wonderful and some days are awful. Of course, I'm HSing a 12 almost 13 yo girl who is at "that age" where she is rebelling, AND I took her out this year without her enthusiasm. She's angry at me for everything else, but especially for taking her out of school. 

However, things are getting better and better every day for us. It's all a learning process for both of us to find out what will work best. Thank you for that book recommendation, Karen! I'm going over to Amazon right now to get myself a copy! I can't wait...it looks really good, and the reviews are stellar!


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## redbudlane (Jul 5, 2006)

I bought a copy of the book Karen, thanks so much! I read through it last night and highlighted things for dh (he won't have time to read it word for word). I really think this could be a new beginning for us. It is pretty straight forward and makes a lot of sense. I'll let you all know how it goes.


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## longshadowfarms (Nov 27, 2002)

redbudlane said:


> I bought a copy of the book Karen, thanks so much! I read through it last night and highlighted things for dh (he won't have time to read it word for word). I really think this could be a new beginning for us. It is pretty straight forward and makes a lot of sense. I'll let you all know how it goes.


I'll be interested to hear how that goes. I put it on hold at our library


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## mpillow (Jan 24, 2003)

Public School may get them out of your hair for awhile but they may also learn some more bad habits.

Its not easy, its not fun .....but hard work and discipline will get the job done.

My son started high school at semi private school and I HATE how the girls are throwing themselves on him.....its disgusting and distracting.....BUT he is doing very well scholastically and knows house rules.....no phone calls and no funny business....'cause I'm not afraid to home school.

There was a Canadian guy that wrote a book many years(1970's?) ago about not over indulging and giving your kids too much self esteem but putting your marriage first and being the voice of authority with your children. A balance of power...if you will...

Maybe Tracy knows who I'm referring to...his name escapes me!


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## Lizza (Nov 30, 2005)

Sonshine said:


> Sometimes I love it and other times I hate it. But in the end, I believe it's the best thing for my family.


Hey, same here! We've been homeschooling for over 10 years now. When my girls were little I remember talking to a more seasoned homeschool mom who said she sometimes locked herself in the bathroom and cried. I thought, oh no! It's sad but true. There are good days and bad. Don't be afraid to look at what is working or not working at anytime. Just because they all get on that big yellow bus one year doesn't mean they can't come back home the next year or mid-year or whatever. Like others said, any underlying disorderly conduct (from both parents and kids!) is not going to be fixed by sending children to school. If anything I found it to make the problems worse or I just ended up introducing a whole other set of issues. 

Now that my oldest is 15 and has taken control of her education it is nice, it has freed me up for my 12 year old with learning disabilities (we actually joined an online school for her and it's going well). My youngest is turning 4 and I am actually excited about bringing out all of that preschool stuff. I remember just like yesterday teaching my 15 year old how to read or map work, it was so much fun! I am surprised by how much I am looking forward to doing all of that stuff again.


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