# Exwife wants to come back home.



## Oldcountryboy (Feb 23, 2008)

Took my youngest daughter over to her mom's after our softball game last night. Ex wife wanted to talk to me. (We just got divorced in the middle of April) Well she couldn't hardly talk for crying. Well she purty much said she misses being at home, she misses being with the kids all the time, she misses making jelly, and she misses me, she misses going to family events with me, she misses her own house work. You know, all that stuff she didn't want anymore a few months ago.:indif:

She was the one who surprized me at the end of summer last year stating she wanted her freedom so she could date other men who have a interest in her. She wanted her freedom cause all I do is complain about our finances. And after several times of going up to the alter at different churches to have our marriage prayed for, she would soon be back on her cell phone, texting to people I've never met, and then still wanting a divorce. 

I never said yes or no to her. I only said "Well I don't know what to tell you". 

After 20 years of experience I'm skeptical of taking her back. She would have to make some major changes, which I seriously doubt she would do. I think the main reason I would take her back is for the children. I hate having a busted up family. "My turn/her turn, to keep the kids" is a nightmare sometimes. The kids don't want to stay with me very long cause they miss mom. They don't want to stay with their mom very long cause they miss me. 

Since my wife has left, my utility bills are lower and I have enough money to pay everything on time. When she was with me, we was always late making our payments. Our credit score was almost 000! We have always had to pay higher interest cause of our late payments. Hopefully, since she has left my score is on the rise and hope to see lower interest soon. 

But, will all that come to an end if I take my ex wife back?


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

First off you need to look at yourself and ask if you want her back? If the answer is no then don't even gop there.Maybe she has realized it isnt so great on the outside and just wants securtiy back was she workingnwhen you were married? A lot of times men will flirt with a woman when she is unavailable and run when she becomes available-perhaops this is hwat happened to ehr. Flriting is one thing , beong out on your own and required to do it all isnt so easy for a lot of people, it is a lot easier when there are two people to help pay bills!

If I were you I would think long and hard. Make some contingencies she has to do before she can come back. Financial counseling so sh eunderstands money. I would suggest you keep seperate bank accounts and pool half the bills each into another account which YOU can draw the payments off. She obviously cannot save money-I would suggest you have her turn over a suggested amount per paycheck to deposit into that account. Couseling for her need to be wanted by other men-obvioulsy there is a reason for he rflirtations and she needs to get to know why and understand why it is wrong. Make her work hard before you take her back, let her know you don't trust her until sh eproves herself worty of trust. Don't do it just for the kids because in the long run if you arent happy they will expect that is normal in a relationship and you are setting the example!

If hs ehas changed he r mind in only 2 months if I am reading it right you better think long and hard! I would make her do a lot of counseling before I would even consider it.


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## BarbadosSheep (Jun 27, 2011)

If you think you might be at all interested in taking her back, don't do it right away. Date her for a while and see if her feelings last. Try dating for maybe 6 months before making any final decisions.


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## ninny (Dec 12, 2005)

You're a security blanket for her. If that's what you want to be then take her back. If you're expecting her to change, I wouldn't bet on it. If she knows that she can run back to you when things aren't going like she wants them too, then you'll be playing this game forever.

.


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## jaredI (Aug 6, 2011)

I went through a similar experience, and I completely understand some of what is going on in your head/heart. After juggling similar emotions for several years, separating/reconciling, etc etc. we finally split for good. 
Like yourself, I felt I owed it to my 4 children to stay with her, no matter what. I have come to the conclusion that the children were much better off with split parents then to have to listen to the arguing and such. The constant fighting at home was only teaching my children that fighting was what to expect from a marriage. I did not want them to grow up believing this was normal in a relationship.
I have since remarried, adopted my wife's child, and have a very happy and solid marriage. My natural children have adapted very well, and are much happier. 
I would suggest that leopards do not change their spots, and if you take her back, you will most likely find yourself in the same situation you were in prior to the divorce, most likely to repeat the painful separation stuff all over again. If that were to happen, what damage would/could that do to your children? Try to think WAY outside the box of the pros and cons of any decision you make. 
There will be pain and anguish no matter what decision you make. However, some decisions could compound the problems greatly.
This will take some heavy and deep thought and consideration on your part, and no body has the right answer. Often, those close to the situation have enough emotional attachment, their opinions are biased. This unfortunately has to be 100 percent your decision. Try not to look at the situation today, but look down the road 5-10 years. How will your decision effect your kids then?
Best of luck.


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

Oldcountryboy said:


> Took my youngest daughter over to her mom's after our softball game last night. Ex wife wanted to talk to me. (We just got divorced in the middle of April) Well she couldn't hardly talk for crying. Well she purty much said she misses being at home, she misses being with the kids all the time, she misses making jelly, and she misses me, she misses going to family events with me, she misses her own house work. You know, all that stuff she didn't want anymore a few months ago.:indif:


Do you miss her?



Oldcountryboy said:


> She was the one who surprized me at the end of summer last year stating she wanted her freedom so *she could date other men who have a interest in her*. She wanted her freedom cause all I do is complain about our finances. And after several times of going up to the alter at different churches to have our marriage prayed for, she would soon be back on her cell phone, texting to people I've never met, and then still wanting a divorce.


I would guess that means she wasn't feeling desired at home. What she did was not okay but there has to be a root cause. Not placing blame on you, just trying to give a female perspective.




Oldcountryboy said:


> I never said yes or no to her. I only said "Well I don't know what to tell you".


That sounds as if you were already indifferent and disengaged. Maybe just maybe she needed to know that she was wanted, that she did matter. I know womens needs and emotions can confound men. If my husband responded to my needs or desires to sort through things (that annoying womens habit of needing to talk) I would have been very hurt. It sends a very strong and negative meesage even if you didn't mean it. 

It takes two to make or break a marriage.



Oldcountryboy said:


> After 20 years of experience I'm skeptical of taking her back. She would have to make some major changes, which I seriously doubt she would do.


Are you also willing to make changes? Are you willing to sort out whatever it was that she thought was lacking?



Oldcountryboy said:


> I think the main reason I would take her back is for the children. I hate having a busted up family. "My turn/her turn, to keep the kids" is a nightmare sometimes. The kids don't want to stay with me very long cause they miss mom. They don't want to stay with their mom very long cause they miss me.


Staying married just for the kids won't make a happy home.



Oldcountryboy said:


> Since my wife has left, my utility bills are lower and I have enough money to pay everything on time. When she was with me, we was always late making our payments. Our credit score was almost 000! We have always had to pay higher interest cause of our late payments. Hopefully, since she has left my score is on the rise and hope to see lower interest soon.


Finances are one of the biggest reasons couples have issues. Utilities being higher because someone is at home makes sense. People's needs have a cost, that's a part of life and being married. If on the other hand she overspent the budget on frivolous purchases that is another matter and if you are broke she really should stop.


She did a lot of things wrong, agreed. It also sounds like you had your part in it as well, not by actions but by inaction. You sound resentful toward her. Are you ready to put some thought into what part you had in all of it? Are you willing to meet her half way?


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

Sounds like she misses a lot of things, but are you one of them??


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## GrannyG (Mar 26, 2005)

Follow your heart......<3.......only you can make this decision, but talk it all out before you make any kind of commitment....if you do not have trust in each other, there is no union...sometimes, it is best to let sleeping dogs lie....


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Tell her you will have to clear it with your New GF.

My wife did this,I went found another woman,my wife got all Mad at me.I took her back told her to never pull this stunt again or I would be helping her pack,I don't play Games.

Been 18 years ago things couldn't be better.

big rockpile


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

..................You tried and DID your bestest that you could ! Can you vividly recall in minute detail , HOW unhappy she WAS , and how UNhappy .......she made YOu ???? You've finally crossed the minefield of emotional stress and achieved your independence so you can , NOW , take your time in finding a New Lady too spend the rest of your life with and rekindle the passion and fire , and LOVE that was absent with your Ex ! 
..................DONOT allow her too worm her way back into your life or you will become the Man you Were , not the Man , you are.......NOW !!!She doesn't deserve a second chance too use you as her landing pad everytime she needs another man too Tickle her Fancy . Her diversity is a pervisity of the Marriage Vows she took when you'll first wed and what she really wants is an OPEN Marriage that allows her too Run and Play while you sit at home ! She wasn't faithful the first time and she won't be , This second Go Round , either ! , fordy:fussin:


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Before you guys do ANYTHING, I think you two should see a marriage counselor. Because, after 30 years, it would be easy to slide back into the same patterns. And, THAT was not enough for either one of you.

IMHO


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## uncle Will in In. (May 11, 2002)

IT's so miserable without you, that it feels like you're still here!


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## kasilofhome (Feb 10, 2005)

I would HATE to be in your shoes. 
I do not know your views on marriage. Mine is that once you say I do you have too. That being said a person can not force someone to stay and it seems that from what was posted that she left you. She wanted out. As for you having a part ---well who left. I am a female and if you were not abusive I would say do not be guilted into rushing back to pick up her world. Wait. She needs to commit to being married (guys that are interested in her--what???????????) honey I have be asked out--grabbed and kissed ect some of those guy I had respected them but NO I am married. It may not be the best marriage and it may mean work but anyone willing to cheat is NOT ready to commit forever. She has shown her values...People do change but your children are now your number one focas. You are a father so do right by the kids. 

Prey for her. But she may need more time to grow up.


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## Gregg Alexander (Feb 18, 2007)

Well --- Once an X always an X. So make up your own mind just don't take a guilt trip form her.
My 2 cents


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## demeter (Jul 15, 2010)

Me personally? The ex wouldn't come back.
Perhaps you might try the old 2 list thing. One list of "pro" and one of "con". 
I really hate this for you. I wish you strength and peace.

Demeter


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## debbydoo1966 (Jan 15, 2007)

Oldcountryboy said:


> Took my youngest daughter over to her mom's after our softball game last night. Ex wife wanted to talk to me. (We just got divorced in the middle of April) Well she couldn't hardly talk for crying. Well she purty much said she misses being at home, she misses being with the kids all the time, she misses making jelly, and she misses me, she misses going to family events with me, she misses her own house work. You know, all that stuff she didn't want anymore a few months ago.:indif:
> 
> She was the one who surprized me at the end of summer last year stating she wanted her freedom so she could date other men who have a interest in her. She wanted her freedom cause all I do is complain about our finances. And after several times of going up to the alter at different churches to have our marriage prayed for, she would soon be back on her cell phone, texting to people I've never met, and then still wanting a divorce.
> 
> ...


Most likely !!!!


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## mountainwmn (Sep 11, 2009)

You're already divorced. Her boyfriend breaks up with her, she gets upset and tries to come back? Or finds out she can't pay all her own bills? Or finds out that the dating life isn't all she thought it would be?
It doesn't sound like she misses you. Or that you really miss her. I figure they are exs for a reason. But if your heart tells you to take her back I would at least consider counseling.


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## Tiempo (May 22, 2008)

> Well she purty much said she misses being at home, she misses being with the kids all the time, she misses making jelly, and she misses me, she misses going to family events with me,


In that order?

Did she really put you after making jelly? If so, there's your answer right there.


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## wy_white_wolf (Oct 14, 2004)

I would not consider taking her back until I:

1. Saw the changes in her that you feel you need to see.

2. Dated for at least a couple of months to really see if you really wanted her back and see had become a person you want to be with. 

Dates should not include the children. They have enough to deal with the seperation. An attempt to get back back together that failed would even be harder on them.

WWW


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

How does the song go rooms to rent 50 cents :teehee::whistlin:


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

yeah, what Tiempo said and can't she make jelly where she is. i can make jelly anywhere. she found out the grass wasn't greener on the other side. now she wants back. i'd be some careful were i you. like someone else said. weigh the pros and cons. jmo. ~Georgia.


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## Scott SW Ohio (Sep 20, 2003)

I agree with those who say only you can know whether you should take your wife back. When people give you personal advice they are most often talking to themselves, about themselves. So here's my story about me.

I was married for seven years in my 20s, to a fairly volatile girl who had me walking on eggshells, and eventually she got tired of me and started seeing other guys. She confronted me with that information and I left, and got a divorce. I was aware at the time that I could try to patch things up and save my marriage, and had mixed emotions about not doing so, but I went ahead with the divorce anyway.

However, I soon after met and married my current DW and we are far, far better suited to each other and very happy after 21 years. If I had hung in with my first marriage I would never have been with the person I was meant to be with. I would still be laying low, hoping to avoid the next blowup, making myself as small as possible, with wife number one, and wondering when she would dump me for good.

Looking back, I am very glad things went as they did. My ex-wife did me a favor. All I had to do was be open to finding my true path, which was not the one I was on.

My parents went the other way. She was an alcoholic and he cheated, and I don't know who I felt more sorry for. They had an awful marriage, constant tension and frequent scenes, often split but always got back together "for the kids." I would give anything to go back in time and tell them each what a train wreck living in that house was for us, and that they should go their separate ways and at least give us all a chance at some normal life.

My advice (to myself) - a marriage is a means to an end, and is never more important than the people in that marriage. Users and martyrs both make lousy life partners. Give your own happiness consideration right alongside that of the other folks involved. To thine own self be true.


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## Bandit (Oct 5, 2008)

I have been there before , but I don't want to talk about it in an open forum , but I didn't move back home when begged too .
I would ask her if You do decide to Think about taking her back , ask her to go to your Doctor and take a test for STD's and show You the results .
It is a Different world out there now .
Bandit
Ps
She puts You after the Fun of Making Jelly LOL


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

Melissa said:


> Sounds like she misses a lot of things, but are you one of them??


Exactly. This scenario happens alot in broken relationships. Often the person leaving for greener pastures finds out there are alot of cow patties to dodge on the other side and it's usually that they miss the financial security and someone to come home to, instead of the partner they left. 
Do you really think she changed that much in just a few months?
It's sad and I understand what you're saying about the kids, but they are just going through an adjustment period, as are you.

Like everyone said, you are the only one that can make that decision. It sounds like you already have serious doubts. 
And something else you seriously need to consider in this day and age is sexually transmitted diseases. Cheating partners are risky business and whether people like to admit it or not, they really can deal you a death sentence. Deadly STDs that are rampant anymore. I would keep that in mind while you're considering everything and think about making her get tested if you decide to get back together.
Prayers for you!


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## wogglebug (May 22, 2004)

The one absolute Biblical acceptable reason for divorce is adultery. So far as I can see, that she did. You really want someone who's going to spread her favours around anytime she gets bored or p'd off? Who'll publically cuckold you to people she and you both know, just to show everyone what she thinks of you? Okay, she didn't do it secretly - she up-front told you she was going to do it. Up and told you she was flat-out going to break her wedding vows. Then went out and did it. And that makes it better? How?
Love? Not hardly.
Honour? Yeah, right! And that in front of all your friends and relatives.
Cherish? Means care for. Sure!
Cleave only? Uh-huh!

For sure, if you were to consider re-uniting, I would go with "six months minimum of dating with no sex, no financial support, and six months of weekly counselling". Your future lives are worth at least that much thought. And while the six months were passing, I'd secretly be checking to see whether she really meant it, or whether she seemed to feel she needed men on the side. After all, that's what she wanted before.

Personally, I wouldn't do it. As others have said, there are old patterns that it's just too easy for her to s.l.i.d.e.. back into, easy as that, and as hard to resist. There might be fault, or at least weakness, on your side as well. Put you together, and the same old well-worn patterns would tend to slip into place. If she _was_ bored, she'd _be_ bored. If she wanted action that her Holy Vows didn't give her, she'd still have those desires. If she didn't believe that keeping promises made to you and God before the congregation, before mankind and the Lord, adhering to the wedding Contract, was worth doing... well, what's changed? If you didn't indulge in Holy Matrimony - well, still, the same sort of promises were implicit, even if you only did it in an earthly service. What, did she have her fingers crossed when she stood before a judge? Does that make it okay?


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## Sonshine (Jul 27, 2007)

I would never "do it for the children". Kids are pretty smart, a lot smarter than most people give them credit. Sometimes it's best for the kids not to be drug through all the emotional turmoil. If you are considering reconciling because you still love her and believe you can make it work, then I'd say go for it. But make sure your reasons and priorities are right.


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

After reading the responses so far I am thinking I may have given the wrong impression with my original reply. I still stand by what I said but..

I was going on the assumption that she was "talking" about freedom and wanting to feel desired, maybe a plea for change albiet an immature one. I neglected to consider that she may have acctually strayed prior to leaving (duh, the texts) or that whatever situation she wanted didn't work out.

If that were the case and your only beef with her is hurt feelings and bills I would definitly consider counseling and dating.

If on the other hand I overestimated her and she did play around physically I would NOT give her a chance. It shows a lack of class and a lack of respect for you, her family and her vows. In that case I would only suggest trying if your religious values dictate so. Being settled for after someone else didn't work out is terrible.

There is a HUGE difference between talking and making the mistake of saying something stupid -and- actually making bad decisions (acting on them) that cannot be taken back.

Could you ever forgive her (not foget) can you ever rekindle warm feelings for her? That matters a lot. Resentment that never goes away over the years is no way to live. An empty marriage is a living heck.

Or, you can take advantage of your right to some freedom, date some women who have an interest in you and see what you feel like after that. You may miss her, you may not. It would certainly make her think twice about what she did.  :thumb:


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## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

it really sounds to me, from your post, that she is just finding out that the other side of the fence just isn't as fun as planned. when my horse gets loose, he runs like a wild thing, only to come home and stand there--gosh, there was nothing out there for him that ain't right here!! but he's just a horse. if my hubs did it, I'd let the pony run. and have considered chasing him off myself several times. but with me, there is enough good to continue to fight, even when he's been a pill, and he _wants_ to keep 'us'. your ex didn't. myself, I dont' want to be with someone who threw me away. 

and I'd bet that if you moved her back, you'd be in the same mess in a short time. 

tempting, I'm sure. long ago I was with someone who after I dumped (and should've long before) I still missed him. he was horrible to me. but, change isn't always easy. and, even a short time apart starts to erode the bad, and you start to remember the better parts. that's great, but there was a reason you called it quits. 

but what makes you think anything would be different? are either of you different? you seemed pretty relieved when it was over, you would've been very upset if there was a reason to hold onto her. but you weren't. do you want to live thru that yet again? and the kids, drag em thru it again?? maybe the adjusting is difficult, but what would be worse for them is doing it _twice_. 

think very carefully and tread lightly and slooooowly.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

The reason the grass is greener on the other side is because it took a lot of to achieve that color.

I would not allow her to come back until you have gone through at least 10 weeks of solid Biblical counseling for you two, and then for the kids.
She needs to repent of what she has done to her family, and her family needs to see that SHE MEANS IT......not just blowin off at the mouth to come home and repeat what she did before.

(And a 'clean bill of health" from the doctor....if you know what I mean)


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

Can't say what I would like to say without sounding snarky. 
My brother's ex pulled this on him for several years, always after she had a fight with the guy she left him for.


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## Ozarks Tom (May 27, 2011)

A little story to explain getting back together with an ex.

You go to the fridge for a drink of milk. You open the carton and give it a sniff. Phew! Spoiled! Well, put it back in the fridge, and see how it is tomorrow.

Once something has gone rotten, it doesn't get better with time.


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## Farmer Willy (Aug 7, 2005)

I go with 'scrape the goo off your shoe'. Sound like you're happier and doing better without her.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

So, what has she done to make changes in her life? Gone to counseling? Gone to college? What? You don't sound like you want her back in your life. If you did , you wouldn't have had to think about it. You would have jumped at the chance to have her back.

It's not easy for the kids to be bouncing back and forth like they are, but they get used to it. If you don't already have major custody, get it. Don't let them guilt trip you about the bouncing. They know it bothers you, so they push that button.


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## DixyDoodle (Nov 15, 2005)

ninny said:


> You're a security blanket for her. If that's what you want to be then take her back. If you're expecting her to change, I wouldn't bet on it. If she knows that she can run back to you when things aren't going like she wants them too, then you'll be playing this game forever.
> 
> .


I agree! She's found that chasing other guys isn't what it's cracked up to be, particularly when they aren't paying the bills. I would be VERY leery of taking her back. I would second what the other person said, just date her first, if this is what you really want. There is a really good chance that she just wants to come back because it's not that easy out there on her own, and with you, she has security. You may find that when you are just dating, instead of her moving in, her interest may wane when she discovers that you aren't going to pay her bills for her, etc.


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## jonesie (Dec 23, 2011)

Sure sounds one sided to me. So nice he was such a good husband and her a poor wife. Bet she was missing something between the two of them. Mabey she needs to be wanted, not just a piece of furniture around the house. It's never just one sided.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

I am going out on a limb here....

When you were together, did she feel loved? Why was the attention from other men so exciting for her...was she not getting any from you? Why were you so indifferent when she said she was leaving? What if she wanted you to tell her to stay...that you loved her and your marriage meant something to you?

Not at all defending her actions, but WHAT IF living in a loveless relationship took its toll on her? Feeling unloved by your spouse wreaks havoc on a woman's soul.

I may be way off, but if I am not, I can't help but feel sorry for a woman who is desperately searching for someone to love her and want her. No, the grass isn't greener on the other side, but from the sounds of it, this woman hasn't had green grass for a long time.

I am just trying to look at things from a different perspective than "she is a horrible woman and she deserves what she got." Sometimes situations lead women to do things they normally wouldn't do.


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## mekasmom (Jan 19, 2010)

Is your credit rating worth more to you than your helpmete? your mate? the other half of who you are? 
A blood covenant is not just broken over money. She was wrong, very wrong to betray your covenant by wanting to "date other people". And you feel betrayed, used, deeply hurt. That is fully understandable. But marriage is a covenant. And a mate is more valuable than money or a credit rating. 
You need to go through some counseling together to try to save the covenant. It is what is best for your hearts, your health, and your lives if you can save the holy covenant of marriage together. If she wants to try, then I wouldn't waste the opportunity by worrying about the money spent on a stupid cell phone bill.


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

Well I am thinking that he must not have been too bad if she wants to come back... 

Sometimes people get to thinking that their decent, hard-working, perfectly normal mate just isn't exciting enough and they want to leave for fun and romance and good times. Then they realize that what they had was actually pretty good...


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

Melissa said:


> Well I am thinking that he must not have been too bad if she wants to come back....


Either that or she has very low self esteem....??? 

Maybe he wasn't a wonderful husband? Maybe he was......I don't know the whole story.


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## ArkansasLady (Jan 1, 2003)

> But marriage is a covenant.


She already broke that covenant when she left him, divorced him and dated other people...he has no obligation to her anymore...

There was a reason you got a divorce.....


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## Wendy (May 10, 2002)

> You're a security blanket for her. If that's what you want to be then take her back. If you're expecting her to change, I wouldn't bet on it. If she knows that she can run back to you when things aren't going like she wants them too, then you'll be playing this game forever.


Oh my gosh! This is my brother. He has been divorced for at least 4 years. Ex wife still has a key to the house, comes & goes as she pleases, puts out a garden at his house, goes out with him to places at times, etc. BUT, she lives with her boyfriend! Drives my family crazy. He looks like a fool. She keeps him around so she has a place to fall on if needed & someone to give her money when she needs it. Makes me sick the example they are setting for their kids. It's not ok to play pretend wife & go home to your boyfriend at night. What's worse is she lies to her kids & tells them she is living with a girl friend of hers.

My opinion is don't do it. Not unless you are absolutely sure she is with no one else & is honestly trying to change. I think living like my brother has been is way worse on the kids. Sometimes being together for the kids isn't the best thing.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Ozarks Tom said:


> A little story to explain getting back together with an ex.
> 
> You go to the fridge for a drink of milk. You open the carton and give it a sniff. Phew! Spoiled! Well, put it back in the fridge, and see how it is tomorrow.
> 
> Once something has gone rotten, it doesn't get better with time.


Thats always been the way I looked at things too. However in this instance we dont know if he liked the way things were going before she opted out. It would be a point for her to consider though. If life at home had gone sour for her.... why would she think it would be a bit sweeter now? :shrug: Me? She would not be welcome home. But then thats just me... I am an ornery ol coot that way.


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## suzfromWi (Jun 1, 2002)

There were a few things in line before [ she misses you] If your happier now then you were before, leave it...Would you want to go through all that again? Might happen if you take her back...


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## lenii (Dec 31, 2005)

you should get the EX
wife hooked up with WhiskeyLiveWires husband. Sounds like neither have any morals

.:shrug:


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## tallpines (Apr 9, 2003)

12 years ago DH and I legally separated --- lived apart for 7 months.......... and then moved back together.
We had been maried for 30 years.

We moved into a different home and gave it a year before we moved forward with building a new home.

It was a very difficult time and required lots of prayer and committment.

That separation was one of the BEST things I ever did for myself.

Coming back was the BEST thing I ever did for my family.

Now we are getting close to 43 years ----- life is good.


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## sandsuncritters (Nov 18, 2011)

A family member went through a similar situation years ago. Looking back now, their children have great love and respect for their father. He eventually remarried, to a widow with children. There is a healthy and loving relationship between all of them.

For their mother? Respect for how she eventually learned to live a good life on her own, and compassion for a woman who insisted on learning everything the hard way while creating complete chaos affecting those who loved her dearly. Love? hard to say. I once heard one of them say he loved her because she gave him life, but he would not choose her for a best friend 

You say you're considering allowing her back "for the children". Remember that the children will grow up, move out, and have families of their own. You and their mother would be alone together.

She left you to be with other men. She has now discovered that life on her own is scary, difficult, financially unrewarding, and the men she left you for are not so crazy about her now that she's free to try to get into their wallets. 

You have a responsibility to provide long-term financial stability for yourself, and a stable home life for your children when they are with you. At some point they will be of an age to decide where they want to live full time, and who they want to visit with when it is convenient according to their school and social schedules. Be that parent that they want to be with full time. This will bless you many years down the road. JMHO

In His Love
Mich


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## whiskeylivewire (May 27, 2009)

lenii said:


> you should get the EX
> wife hooked up with WhiskeyLiveWires husband. Sounds like neither have any morals
> 
> .:shrug:


Okay, I laughed hard at this. Good thing I have a great sense of humor!


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

whiskeylivewire said:


> Okay, I laughed hard at this. Good thing I have a great sense of humor!


Here's something that isn't even funny. Both you and the OP need to read my incurable gonorrhea thread. And if before any more nookie occurs, get yourself tested for STDs, and make your hubby get tested!


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## whiskeylivewire (May 27, 2009)

Common Tator said:


> Here's something that isn't even funny. Both you and the OP need to read my incurable gonorrhea thread. And if before any more nookie occurs, get yourself tested for STDs, and make your hubby get tested!


Already read it just hadn't commented on it


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

If you decide to pursue a relationship again, take it slow, and don't have her move in again right away. Pretend like you just met her and start out like you are dating. Maybe in a year you can get engaged...


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## Oldcountryboy (Feb 23, 2008)

Melissa said:


> Sounds like she misses a lot of things, but are you one of them??[/QUOTE)
> 
> Not sure if she really did say she misses me. I know I posted it that she said she did, but when I really get to thinking about it, I don't think she did.
> 
> ...


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## ArkansasLady (Jan 1, 2003)

> The last thing on my mind is holding her and making love to her. I just get too depressed to even be around her and this is the reason I probably don't love her enough and I have doubts as to whether to take her back or not


I think you know your answer...go live your life and be happy and let her figure out her life goes on without RH in Oklahoma in it... Be Blessed, Be Happy!!!


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## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

ok, I am confused. if you feel that way about her,--and I'm not saying she deserves it or not, I'm not there--but if those are your feelings concerning her, why on earth would you even consider having her back????

wouldn't blame you one bit if she's that much of a lead weight, either. would drive me nuts. 

shanzone also had a point---I know when dh blows me off, things go downhill fast. I don't feel like doing a thing for him, and I don't. when he puts all his efforts into everything else besides this family, I shut down a bit. not because I'm a brat, but because he winds up so dog tired and crabby and takes it out on us at home but yet gives everyone else the happy go lucky fun guy. maddens me to no end.!! I am pretty independent, but still like most women, I want to hear he loves me and acknowledges my efforts to make a home.


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

Look in your heart and you'll see the answer. Sounds pretty clear to me.

Yes she broke the covenant when she decided to date other men. Forgive me for sounding harsh but sounds like all she wants is a sugar daddy and the one she left you for got tired of it too. 

Life is too short to spend it in a miserable relationship.


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

Just an exercise in reading between the lines/"fluff" removal



Oldcountryboy said:


> I'm scared...
> 
> 
> I'm not really sure she said she misses me...
> ...


The fat lady done sang.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

OCB

it sounds like you know the answert but are willing to let it all go just to make th ekids happy, however, they will see that you are not happy. You will be right back where you were. I would tell her she needs to spend 6 months getting her act together and prove to you she can support herelf and stay focused. When she can, tell her congrats she has succeeded and then you can review once again whether you need to bring he rback in to make the kids happy.

2 mnths is not enough time to make an adjustment, give the kids more time,an dyou too!


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Oldcountryboy said:


> Melissa said:
> 
> 
> > Sounds like she misses a lot of things, but are you one of them??[/QUOTE)
> ...


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

I am taking a jump here...she raises the kids, but doesn't do things the way you like..like housework, spending, etc? Seriously? And she needs to work, but I am guessing comes home, makes dinner, cares for the kids, house, still not well enough? etc,etc..I am guessing she just might be better off. I am getting all kinds of noise going off, warning, warning...She feels alone, really unwanted, and only a money making, housekeeper and kid raiser. She can not do a thing to make you happy. So, she decided to look elsewhere. Can't blame her for the wanting to go, she just did it wrong(no self-esteme). She wants to feel loved and important to her hubby, but can't because she does nothing right.

Hope I am wrong but going back, reading what has been writen by the OP, it sounds like it..to me. And counseling might help,if BOTH parties will be honest to the real troubles.

<Helpmate! To me a helpmate is someone who helps you acheive things you desire in life. Like the upkeep of your house and property. The upkeep of you vehicles. The upkeep of your health. The upkeep of your bills. >


And what about your side of this? Do you not owe her the same? I have the feeling if we knew the whole, unaltured story from both sides there is a lot that is not right here.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

pamda said:


> I am taking a jump here...she raises the kids, but doesn't do things the way you like..like housework, spending, etc? Seriously? And she needs to work, but I am guessing comes home, makes dinner, cares for the kids, house, still not well enough? etc,etc..I am guessing she just might be better off. I am getting all kinds of noise going off, warning, warning...She feels alone, really unwanted, and only a money making, housekeeper and kid raiser. She can not do a thing to make you happy. So, she decided to look elsewhere. Can't blame her for the wanting to go, she just did it wrong(no self-esteme). She wants to feel loved and important to her hubby, but can't because she does nothing right.


That is my take on the situation. Makes me sad for her if it is the truth...


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## dlskidmore (Apr 18, 2012)

Terri said:


> Before you guys do ANYTHING, I think you two should see a marriage counselor. Because, after 30 years, it would be easy to slide back into the same patterns. And, THAT was not enough for either one of you.
> 
> IMHO


It is likely that one of those churches you prayed at has free counseling services. Call around and ask.


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## dlskidmore (Apr 18, 2012)

wogglebug said:


> The one absolute Biblical acceptable reason for divorce is adultery.


But there's no responsibility to divorce for any reason. Hosea was instructed to marry someone who was expected to commit adultery. Only the two people involved can make this decision. There's no right or wrong answer, and you won't know if you made the best choice without going through some pain first.

How do the kids feel about their mother? If you turn their mother away, their mother will try to make it all your fault in their eyes.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

dlskidmore said:


> How do the kids feel about their mother? If you turn their mother away, their mother will try to make it all your fault in their eyes.


How do you know that? Not all women are the same, jeez. Pretty harsh statement for someone you don't know.


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## dlskidmore (Apr 18, 2012)

Shygal said:


> How do you know that? Not all women are the same, jeez. Pretty harsh statement for someone you don't know.


Odds. Of all the broken families I know, there's only one that could manage to show up to kids events and act like parents. There's almost always wars on some level. Worse with some than others.


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

But it sounds like SHE has decided she is not better off.

Over the years we have heard from this poster about their financial struggles. Both people have to commit to getting ahead financially whether it is through working at a paid job or staying home and stretching the dollar. That is just reality in today's economy.


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## Oldcountryboy (Feb 23, 2008)

pamda said:


> I am taking a jump here...she raises the kids, but doesn't do things the way you like..like housework, spending, etc? Seriously? And she needs to work, but I am guessing comes home, makes dinner, cares for the kids, house, still not well enough? etc,etc..I am guessing she just might be better off. I am getting all kinds of noise going off, warning, warning...She feels alone, really unwanted, and only a money making, housekeeper and kid raiser. She can not do a thing to make you happy. So, she decided to look elsewhere. Can't blame her for the wanting to go, she just did it wrong(no self-esteme). She wants to feel loved and important to her hubby, but can't because she does nothing right.
> 
> Hope I am wrong but going back, reading what has been writen by the OP, it sounds like it..to me. And counseling might help,if BOTH parties will be honest to the real troubles.
> 
> ...


Oh no!!!! I would say in the last few years I have done probably more then 50 percent of the cooking. More then 50 percent of taking the kids to the dentist or doctor appointments. I try to make every school activity they maybe in. I've sacrefised many of my own needs or wants just so my kids could and my wife could have more. But I have never felt she gave the same effort. I would raise a big garden, cut our own firewood, do odd jobs and volunteer for any extra work at my employment to try to get ahead. 

I'm not going to say that I am at no fault at all, but I feel like I did a lot more effort of trying to raise and have things then she ever has. 



dlskidmore said:


> It is likely that one of those churches you prayed at has free counseling services. Call around and ask.


Yep, we went through counceling with a new church we were attending with no success, and I offered to go to another church for counciling but she didn't want to. And with no money in savings, we couldn't afford to go to anykind of professional counciling anywhere.


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

I have always taught my children "You must first be your own before you can be someone else's"! 

I think you should talk to her.. I mean really talk to her. I would first ask Do you love me or do you just want your security blanket? ?Find out how far in debt she is, what her plans are for the future, what she needs from a partner and MOST of all why she needs to return home... 

1. In the past--was she a stay at home mom? If so, maybe she needs to continue to work and pay her share of the bills.
2. I would never let her return to my bed without a clean bill of health from the Health Dept..Too much at stake for me to play with my health.
3. I would ask her to choose a Marriage Councilor..and have her pay for it.... 
4.I would have her make lists of what she wants in the marriage and from me..And I would do the same thing from her... So EVERYTHING is on the table.

IF I decided I was happier without her and didn't want her to return --I would purchase her canning equipment and a gal. of berries and give it to her---so she could make her jelly...


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## Oldcountryboy (Feb 23, 2008)

Well the ex text me today and said she took her van into have the front end aligned and the mechanics said she needs new struts. Going to cost her around $400 total and said she didn't have the money. Why she doesn't have the money I don't know. She has a job and gets paid about 35 percent more then I do, lives with her parents, no bills other then her and the kids cell phones. 

I told her I can't help her out as I have to come up with $859 bucks for me and my daughters 6 month car insurance renewal. I know I can only pay part of it but if I pay it all up front, I should get a discount and get a refund check. And if I can pay it all everytime the renewal term comes again, then I should get a better credit score and hopefully my insurance will cost me less. 

Our insurance is so high right now cause of all the late payments over the years. We would get counciled cause we didn't pay our insurance and then would have to re apply for insurance and everytime we would end up paying more then the last term. We changed insurance once cause the last place done the same thing to us everytime we was late. I don't want to do this anymore and I don't want high insurance anymore either. 

I told her she'll have to get it from her dad.


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## Rick (May 10, 2002)

With all due respect, could it be she is tired of living back home?

If she is not saving money, and has no excuse maybe she should work on that skill before dragging your finances down.


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## mekasmom (Jan 19, 2010)

Melissa said:


> Sometimes people get to thinking that their decent, hard-working, perfectly normal mate just isn't exciting enough and they want to leave for fun and romance and good times.


They are drawn away in their own lust and enticed..... with the lust of the eye, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life......

It must be so very painful for the mate who was "dumped" because their mate was drawn away by the lust of the flesh. Counseling and so much prayer would be necessary to overcome that horrible pain and feeling of betrayal. But reconciliation is always better if both mates are willing to work on it.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

Oldcountryboy said:


> I told her she'll have to get it from her dad.


Good for you sounds like she has no ideahow to save money! She needs to realize you are not paying her way anymore!


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## Allen W (Aug 2, 2008)

Sounds like she has buyers remorse to me. She bought the ticket herself, and I would have made sure she knew it was one way, none refundable when she did.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

Allen W said:


> She bought the ticket herself, and I would have made sure she knew it was one way, none refundable when she did.


Isn't that what divorce is?


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## PrettyPaisley (May 18, 2007)

She is the mother of your children. Despite her shortcomings, it's in their best interest for you to sacrfice for them. They deserve to have their family living under one roof. 

Good luck.


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## Mike Hotel (Nov 2, 2011)

I know this will be frowned upon and, really, it is just my .02 cents.

"If you're havin' girl problems, I feel bad for you son.

I got 99 problems...but a wife ain't one."

I'm into til death do us part. Unless it involves other dudes. Nobody plays in my garden but me. Sharecropping is for suckers.


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## jaredI (Aug 6, 2011)

PrettyPaisley said:


> She is the mother of your children. Despite her shortcomings, it's in their best interest for you to sacrfice for them. They deserve to have their family living under one roof.
> 
> Good luck.


 If teaching the children loose morals is alright, Yes make sure the family is under one roof.
If teaching the children that arguing, bickering, fighting etc is a healthy marriage, Yes make sure the family is under one roof.
If teaching children marriage equals misery, Yes make sure the family is under one roof.

I could go on and on. It is not always in the children's best interest to have both parents in the same house. An unhappy home could cause all sorts of emotional stress and disorders for those kids, which in turn could be passed onto their children. A dysfunctional family life more often then not leads to many generations of dysfunctional families. 
Some times it's better to move on. Could it work? Yes. But both parties need to *want* it to work for the *right* reasons. Love being high on that list. Doing it for the kids *should not* be on that list.
I went through something very similar. My emotions were screwed up for better then a year, maybe 2 years. Loved her one day, hated her the next, type of thing. Speaking for myself, I was in no emotional state of mind to make a good decision. I would highly suggest, that if they do work it out, that they do as many have suggested, DATE for a year or more, don't live together, don't sleep together, and each of you have very separate lives. Then if the love is rekindled, go from there.


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

Oldcountryboy said:


> Melissa said:
> 
> 
> > Sounds like she misses a lot of things, but are you one of them??[/QUOTE)
> ...


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## Rick (May 10, 2002)

PrettyPaisley said:


> She is the mother of your children. Despite her shortcomings, it's in their best interest for you to sacrfice for them. They deserve to have their family living under one roof.
> 
> Good luck.


Sorry but I disagree. The best interest of the kids is love, lack of arguing, fidelity and financial discipline which results in keeping a roof over your heads.

I recall from pre- divorce posts, that the wife was praying over the marriage in church, and texting another man first chance she got. 

Only RH knows if there is really a foundation to build on with D-ex-W. If so, I'd have her pitch in weekly to the family coffers, and come over to the family home to make jelly and do some of the chores she misses, household chores that is. If she can handle that for a few months, and honestly state she has remained celebate, then maybe it's time to take a chance on the kids emotions again.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

If OCB is not ready/willing to be a Biblical husband, and his wife is not ready/willing to be a Biblical wife it will never work.
It doesn't sound like anyone one misses being married to the other.
Sounds like everyone misses the 'routine / habit' of being married to each other.

You get out of marriage what you invest in it.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> If OCB is not ready/willing to be a Biblical husband, and his wife is not ready/willing to be a Biblical wife it will never work.
> It doesn't sound like anyone one misses being married to the other.
> Sounds like everyone misses the 'routine / habit' of being married to each other.
> 
> You get out of marriage what you invest in it.


My husband and I are not a Biblical couple yet we'll be happily married 30 years in November. It's the willingness to work on your marriage not the methods you follow to get there.


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## michiganfarmer (Oct 15, 2005)

Tiempo said:


> In that order?
> 
> Did she really put you after making jelly? If so, there's your answer right there.


that was my thought exactly


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Irish Pixie said:


> My husband and I are not a Biblical couple yet we'll be happily married 30 years in November. It's the willingness to work on your marriage not the methods you follow to get there.


Pixie, I didn't mean this as a blanket statement, but more directed to OCB, as he has revealed him and his wife are church goin' folks. :happy2:


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Oldcountryboy said:
> 
> 
> > Strengthening Your Marriage by Wayne Mack
> ...


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

dlskidmore said:


> Odds. Of all the broken families I know, there's only one that could manage to show up to kids events and act like parents. There's almost always wars on some level. Worse with some than others.


So of course that means the woman will make it be all his fault to the children. The man would never, ever do anything like that. Ever. 

Yes I know that a lot of divorced people cannot be civil around each other. But it certainly isn't always the womans fault, its not the woman always badmouthing the other to the children, etc.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

Oldcountryboy said:


> Well the ex text me today and said she took her van into have the front end aligned and the mechanics said she needs new struts. Going to cost her around $400 total and said she didn't have the money.


Wow.....the "I want you back" and then only days later "oh yeah I need 400 dollars and I don't have it".

No way would I let that back into my life.


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## dlskidmore (Apr 18, 2012)

Shygal said:


> So of course that means the woman will make it be all his fault to the children. The man would never, ever do anything like that. Ever.


Of course he would! I never said this would be one sided.


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## bluemoonluck (Oct 28, 2008)

Oldcountryboy said:


> Well the ex text me today and said she took her van into have the front end aligned and the mechanics said she needs new struts. Going to cost her around $400 total and said she didn't have the money. Why she doesn't have the money I don't know. She has a job and gets paid about 35 percent more then I do, lives with her parents, no bills other then her and the kids cell phones.
> 
> I told her I can't help her out as I have to come up with $859 bucks for me and my daughters 6 month car insurance renewal. I know I can only pay part of it but if I pay it all up front, I should get a discount and get a refund check. And if I can pay it all everytime the renewal term comes again, then I should get a better credit score and hopefully my insurance will cost me less.
> 
> I told her she'll have to get it from her dad.


Here's your answer.... she's broke and wants you for your paycheck.

You do not owe her an explanation, BTW. Next time she says "Oh woe is me, I don't have the money for _____" simply tell her "I'm sorry to hear that."

She's not your wife anymore. You aren't her husband anymore. She is no longer entitled to your money, and if she had money you would no longer be entitled to hers.

If she starts to hem and haw about not being sure she can afford to properly feed the kids (common ploy, believe me ) tell her "I'm sorry to hear that. If you cannot properly care for our children I'm more than happy to let them stay with me until you get your financial house in order. When would you like me to come get them?"

You are not her bank. You owe her nothing beyond court ordered child support :shrug:.

And as for the issue of taking her back... IMO the separation period is when you explore this option. Once the divorce is final - its final. No more take-backs.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

PrettyPaisley said:


> She is the mother of your children. Despite her shortcomings, it's in their best interest for you to sacrfice for them. They deserve to have their family living under one roof.
> 
> Good luck.


Shannon, I wished so MUCH that my parents would get divorced, when they were "trying" to stay together for the kids. Kids aren't dumb. I also would not want my children growing up thinking this is what marriage is supposed to be like. 
There is no way that that situation is better for the children.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Pixie, I didn't mean this as a blanket statement, but more directed to OCB, as he has revealed him and his wife are church goin' folks. :happy2:


Really? No blanket statements? In nearly (it could be all but I didn't bother to check) every post on any marriage thread you've declared the only way to make a marriage work has something to do with the Bible. My long marriage is not based on a Biblical husband, a Biblical wife or a rainbow wish, it's based on being partners and the willingness for both to work on the relationship. Your mileage may vary. :happy2:


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## TriWinkle (Oct 2, 2011)

PrettyPaisley said:


> She is the mother of your children. Despite her shortcomings, it's in their best interest for you to sacrfice for them. They deserve to have their family living under one roof.
> 
> Good luck.


Sorry, but this is somewhat of a naive statement...There are many situations where children are better off not having both parents under one roof, or even access to one, or both parents...The fact that she is their mother does not negate the negative impact that she can have on them...If not directly, then indirectly as they watch her take advantage of their father.


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## Tobster (Feb 24, 2009)

Oldcountryboy, you have known the woman in question for 20 years, got married, had children with her and then divorced. If you have been paying attention for the past two decades, you should be crystal clear on the character and personality of your ex wife. I trust you know yourself well enough to understand what you expect and desire from life?

If you desire another 20 years like the last 20 years, then take her back. Otherwise . . . .


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

Oldcountryboy said:


> Well the ex text me today and said she took her van into have the front end aligned and the mechanics said she needs new struts. Going to cost her around $400 total and said she didn't have the money.


I've been wondering why she asked you for this, and not the boyfriend that she left you for? doesn't he have a job?


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

what is the saying: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" 

That's how I feel about the people who breakup/leave/separate and then get back together again ONLY to do the same thing over and over!!!


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Irish Pixie said:


> Really? No blanket statements? In nearly (it could be all but I didn't bother to check) every post on any marriage thread you've declared the only way to make a marriage work has something to do with the Bible. My long marriage is not based on a Biblical husband, a Biblical wife or a rainbow wish, it's based on being partners and the willingness for both to work on the relationship. Your mileage may vary. :happy2:


I am glad to hear you are so happy.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

PrettyPaisley said:


> She is the mother of your children. Despite her shortcomings, it's in their best interest for you to sacrfice for them. They deserve to have their family living under one roof.
> 
> Good luck.


Staying together 'for the sake of the children' is a good way to model an unhappy marriage. My DD's therapist once told her how lucky she was that I left her Dad sooner rather than later.

Read the OP's posts. SHE left him. SHE wanted a divorce. SHE strayed. These are hardly _shortcomings._


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## Sonshine (Jul 27, 2007)

Irish Pixie said:


> My husband and I are not a Biblical couple yet we'll be happily married 30 years in November. It's the willingness to work on your marriage not the methods you follow to get there.


Congratulations on 30 years. DH and I just celebrated 28 years. IMO you have to keep the lines of communication open for a marriage to work, and you have to have trust in your spouse. As a Christian, I do try to live our marriage in the Biblical sense, but I have known folks who weren't Christians that have had long and healthy marriages. It's about respecting one another.


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## am1too (Dec 30, 2009)

I would say no and certianly NOT. Yes I understand life is a mess. Yes it hurts. I'm still single for various reasons. The most outstanding reason is the women in my family. All abusers and users except for my Mom the only one I even really want to talk to out of 10 Aunts, 2 grandmas and 3 sisters the bigest reasons. The only thing I find are party girls even at church. There is no commitment to anything solid and nothing to offer in support of living. I've talked to many through the years and most just can't seem to make up their minds what they want. I've been used and it ain't no fun. No thanks.


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## DixyDoodle (Nov 15, 2005)

Hmmm, so she left you for another man, then her van needs fixing? Who does she call? Her EX-husband? I wonder if maybe she knew that van was going to need money BEFORE she called to kiss and make up.

Let's not forget that divorces usually take a while to become final. And it is final, so this isn't something that you haven't had a bit of time to reflect on. It's not like "I want a divorce, ok, boom, done!" Each person has has time to reconsider. 

It seems very fishy that the reconciliation that she wants is right about the time she needs money. Do not under any circumstances give it to her.....she will continue to use you forever. It's not fair for her to do that to you, and it's not a good example to the kids. It's a disfunctional relationship. 

She knows where to go to get money and will "tap" you as long as she can. See how long she will want to get back with you when there is no cash flow or support of any kind. THAT is the true indicator. My bet is that when you say NO, she will get a new boyfriend asap, one that doesn't know any better yet, that will open his wallet to her.


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