# Marriage and sex



## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Now that I have your attention, lol have a question for you.

Would you stay in a marriage if your partner told you that he/ she had no interest in sex with you or anyone else and had no interest in seeing doctors or getting counseling. Other than that your marriage is fine. 

Would you stay? Have an affair? What would you do?

Curious as to replies here.


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## Rick (May 10, 2002)

The older I get, the more I can relate to the scenario you present, but I don't see the day coming where I would be totally on board with that layout- or NON-layout if you will.

Both partners in a relationship need to compromise to keep it balanced.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Off the top of my head in the five minutes I have before friends arrive to help till the garden:

For me, when a partner stops being a partner, thatâs the time to give up on a marriage. That may or may not have something to do with sex in the marriage. 

When your partner tells you he (or she) has no further interest in sex with you or anyone else, then thatâs a fair statement from them â because itâs true for them. However, how they say it and to what extent they are willing to regard your own needs in the matter is what determines the outcome, so far as Iâm concerned.

If he is saying, âLook, Iâm done with this, and therefore you must be, too,â then thatâs pretty selfish. If on the other hand he is saying, âLook, Iâm done with this, but I recognize you may not be â so what shall we do about that?â then there may be some mutually-agreeable resolution to the situation.

The part of your post that is troubling to me is his refusal to see a doctor, get counseling or try and address the impasse in some other way. Basically he is saying that the only needs that count in the marriage are his own. Personally, I would not wish to be married to such a person.

Like Rick said, compromise is key.


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## Guest (Apr 12, 2014)

IMHO, sex in a marriage is but one expression of love..it's an important one to be sure, yet not "more" important than the marriage itself...so, no, I wouldn't leave my marriage for that reason...

Having said that, I cannot imagine my spouse making the decision that because they have zero interest anymore that somehow that means that I'm to become celibate along with them...selfish thinking...as the previous reply said so well, "What shall we do about this?" is a good start. Good communication is the key to solving all problems..


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

Hard to give a quick answer to such a serious question. Wish it had not come up.

Was the fellow ever a hot number? Is he affectionate in other ways? Hold your hand, hugs, kisses, pat your bottom when you come near? Is he a good companion and interested in what you do together? Is there any way that you can tell how important you are in his life OTHER than cooking, laundry and cleaning?

Is he on medication? Age, high blood pressure and some other factors can lower libido, but not desire. What does his doctor say about this? 
Chuck


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

If it's important to you, it should be important to him. Often, lack of interest in sex is hormonal. Low hormones do a lot more damage than just sexual.

If sex was critical to a close relationship. I would probably discuss separation, etc. It takes 2 to make a relationship work, and it sounds like he is not doing his part.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

Tough call.

I would want to know the why of it. I would want to know if it's something medical or if they are just asexual. I would be more understanding if it's medical. I would have a problem if they hadn't told me of their lack of desire before the marriage.

I wouldn't have an affair though, no matter the circumstance. Being that I like intimacy, I would get to the root cause or divorce myself from the situation.


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

If a partner is not interested in physical sex and not prepared to see a doctor there is little you *can* do in that department from a practical point of view. However - I am assuming that the partner also wants to please their spouse and there are many ways to get to nirvana (as it were) without actual intercourse. I feel that it is the closeness that you feel with your partner that is most important rather than the physical act itself.

If they were determined to remain not only celibate but totally asexual - I am not sure what I would do. I know I would not have an affair. Even with his knowledge and consent it wouldn't feel right. Plus I suspect that would lead to all sorts of complications not least of which would be a stronger bond with the other partner as opposed to with the spouse. I am not sure that the rest of the marriage would be able make up for the lack of intimacy of a totally asexual relationship.

I think a frank talk is in order. Plus marriage counseling. I would want a physical check up and an honest discussion with a doctor. What I might get, however, may be none of the above depending on the spouse.

Mary


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

sidepasser said:


> Now that I have your attention, lol have a question for you.
> 
> Would you stay in a marriage if your partner told you that he/ she had no interest in sex with you or anyone else and had no interest in seeing doctors or getting counseling. Other than that your marriage is fine.
> 
> ...



If the marriage was strong and healthy in all other areas and I truly loved and respected my partner and felt they loved and respected me, I would remain in the relationship. 

I feel that intimacy extends far beyond direct sexual relations and I have very strong opinions on affairs so that would absolutely not be an option for me. If I were that dissatisfied, I would end the relationship entirely before involving with someone else. Based on my experience, three people in a relationship is way too complicated and someone will get hurt.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I find I think I am getting to that point myself. Thinking that, I cant see trying to involve another into what would likely be the same as the op


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Ok, maybe I should have made this a poll 

So everyone is pretty much in agreement that:

1. An affair would not be in order - I pretty much suspected that.

2. Only a few would stay so it must be sort of important to have an intimate, physical relationship with a spouse.

As far as all the "depends" above - the first post I made was it in the entirety. No unknown medical issues, no counseling, just based on the facts above it appears that if a spouse chooses to no longer care to be intimate/physical, then that can be a breaking point unless the other spouse is in agreement.

Personally, I do not know many people to survive such. Most of the divorces I have ever seen were because of money, then lack of intimacy, followed by cheating in the relationship (whether approved of or not).

I do not understand how one person in a relationship can just decide that intimacy is not important and expect the other spouse to go along with it. Apparently it happens more than people think. A friend of mine just divorced because of it. Said he never saw it coming, but after years of trying he just gave up and removed himself from the situation.

Some say it wouldn't bother them, but I wonder deep down if that is true, especially if the relationship turns into a platonic one. I thought people needed to feel close to their spouse and part of that closeness develops as the couple bonds through physical intimacy.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

BTDT in my last marriage and I couldn't deal with it. Maybe that makes me a terrible person, I dunno, but I gotta get my freak on. ound:

If the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't have expected him to remain faithful, and just do without.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

I can always count on you to liven things up - lol..

I have suspicions that most people would not be able to stay in a relationship that offers no physical aspects.

However, one can drink oneself into oblivion and then it won't be such a horrible way to live..on the other hand, most folks don't like alcohol that much.


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## Jaclynne (May 14, 2002)

Just for clarification, are you saying 'they no longer want physical intimacy' as in at one time they did, or 'they aren't interested in it at all' as in they never had been?


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I think that younger women suddinly decide for whatever reason that shes had enough. That's when she gains weight, cuts her hair short, let her breasts see where shes going, wears oversize, and unbecoming clothes to turn her guy off.
I think that older guys just don't get any reason for arousal, and whether intentional or not, as WG has said, U don't use it, u lose it.
I never thought that I would consider sex as work, but I do now. I don't care whop it would be with, it wouldn't be worth the effort. What would I gain? The experience? BTDT. Never was all that great.
The first month of sex was great alright, BUT for the rest of the time, All I was doing was trying to replicate the experience, and it never happened. It became a habit, either she or I wanted to continue. It was a sleeping pill. It was a few other things, BUT it wasn't fantastic.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Never really had an interest in it, but never said no either. Now it is "just not interested".

I think a lot of couples start out with a deep interest, then over time, it fades and for some, it fades totally out. Others have kids and then all the focus is on the kids and none on the spouse (substitute career, hobbies, etc. here). Others gradually drift away and won't divorce due to assets held jointly, or afraid of being alone.

I did a google search and was amazed at how many people are on forums like this trying to figure this out..lol..

It is like an epidemic of "what happened, we use to and now he/she won't"..one lady said it had been 18 years and she was sick and tired of it..but was afraid at her age no one would ever want her.

There are a whole lot of unhappy people in the US based on what I have read..sometimes being alone isn't such a bad thing..


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

ALOTTA times, being alone aint such a bad thing.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Alotta times, being alone is all that's left


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## Guest (Apr 13, 2014)

If I loved my partner, I'd stay. As for sex, sometimes you just got to get a hold of yourself.


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## Ramblin Wreck (Jun 10, 2005)

No to the affair.

I'm reluctant to advise anyone about staying in or leaving a marriage, but I think intimacy is important. It can also be a lot of fun, even if it's not freaky. Sweaty is good though.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Zs right. Sometimes to be successful in life, Ya gotta take ahold, if you wanna get ahead


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

sadly we stopped 8yrs ago-her health(mental&physical went down hill to a point where it wasn't worth trying.affair?NOPE.i agree with zong........


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Do you miss that part of your relationship? I can understand about the "no affair" as I have never done that, even when my DH was very ill and we had "done without" for years, I never strayed. 

But some people swear that they "love" their spouse but crave the physical closeness so an affair does take care of that. Whatever..it's individual.

How about this: Your spouse is incapacitated and is never coming back. Still think you won't have an affair? Say spouse is in a coma or had a major stroke incident and may never come back, but yet --- may linger for years in a nursing home.

What say ye now? Still going to do without? 10 - 15 years? Maybe longer? 

I see it as a question of ethics, but also a question of our humanity. Does it make it OK to go on with our lives if the spouse simply states he/she does not want to "do it" anymore and a spouse that is incapacitated and will never "wake up"? Is there a difference? You are still married despite the differences in the situation, yet..there is a huge difference in the situation.


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## L.A. (Nov 15, 2007)

I think there might a dirty, guilty feeling, that may last a lot longer than the sex,,,,


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

This is complex stuff and every situation is different. But it's fundamentally why I approach my relationships as friendships. It's the "like" that gets you through and causes you to regard your partner with affection, kindness, respect and consideration throughout. 

Ten to fifteen years would certainly be a hardship, but circumstances matter a lot. I wouldn't throw over a friend because they became physically incapacitated, and I wouldn't throw over a partner, either. When you're friends, you find a way through.

When you say 'incapacitated,' what do you mean? Mentally incapacitated? Physically incapacitated? I think the extent to which a partner can comprehend if a wrong is being done to them matters in the circumstances. IOW, if a spouse is physically incapacitated but can comprehend his wife is having an affair, and it leaves him feeling desolate, inadequate and forlorn to know this, then no. Under no circumstances. If, on the other hand, a spouse is mentally incapacitated -- say, has Alzheimer's Disease -- and doesn't comprehend what ROOM he is in, let alone what day it is or if he is being wronged... well, I would likely be more charitable toward the person who chose to have the affair. (Not likely my personal choice, however.)

I don't know if anything makes it "ok." I do think that some circumstances are more understandable than others.

Marriage can be as flexible as the two people involved in it. If one spouse chooses celibacy and isn't bothered by the other spouse taking pleasure elsewhere, then... not for me to judge. We are all different in our tolerances with such things.

If you remain a sexual being and your spouse does not, that's rough. But hopefully some accord can be reached that is mutually agreeable to the both of you. Not an enviable situation under any circumstances, that's sure.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

I feel for people who are put to this test. Yet it happens often. One spouse becomes incapacitated mentally and the other is left on their own. 

I do not think people think about what could happen.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

my husband had a problem for 12 years before the cancer got him. we had a wonderful marriage and worked it all out. some men though are embarrassed to talk about it even in this day and age. this person in question though doesn't seem to have ED. he's just not interested. the thing is he has a responsibility to his partner to do everything he can to help straighten things out .

there's lots of help out there and he should be seeking it if he wants to continue to have a happy marriage. if he just sticks his head in the sand and does nothing he shouldn't be at all surprised if he wakes up some day and she's gone. jmo. ~Georgia.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

sidepasser said:


> Now that I have your attention, lol have a question for you.
> 
> Would you stay in a marriage if your partner told you that he/ she had no interest in sex with you or anyone else and had no interest in seeing doctors or getting counseling. Other than that your marriage is fine.
> 
> ...


Whoopee is a great part of any relationship, married or not. It's an intimacy that can be shared in so many enjoyable ways!

Love only makes it better, and I believe love can be there without whoopee, but I've only been there for periods that lasted for a short time (months). But, it's got to be real love. If things are good, they are good! There are other ways to get your rocks tilted than straying, even if it looks inviting. I have been tempted, just never succumbed in this situation. Was always glad I didn't let it happen.

Littlejoe... is sometimes dumber than a bucket of rocks, however.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

sidepasser said:


> Now that I have your attention, lol have a question for you.
> 
> Would you stay in a marriage if your partner told you that he/ she had no interest in sex with you or anyone else and had no interest in seeing doctors or getting counseling. Other than that your marriage is fine.
> 
> ...


ASSUMING that it was 100% a medical condition, and NOT other marital issues.....
ASSUMING that the marriage is healthy and thriving and that is the only component missing.....
ASSUMING that there is no way another other health issues were being ignored (heart condition, side effect of current meds, etc)
ASSUMING you are only talking about 'sexual intercourse'.....not the intimacy of touch, holding hands, spooning, etc.

Yes, I would stay, and stay faithful.

I would dig deeper and find out 'why' there is no interest.....that is alarming.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

It is interesting to read all the replies on this subject. 

I believe that there can be levels of intimacy in a marriage and if even one level remains, a marriage might endure. When there is none, I think the marriage is likely not to survive.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

A lack of intimacy (not just sex) can leave a spouse feeling incomplete.
If it is not medical, and one spouse just 'isn't interested', then IMHO that is one of a few things:
*Selfish, and unacceptable.
*They are having an affair
*They have had an affair, caught a disease, and don't want to pass it on.
*They are having / have had an affair in the past, and feel guilty for doing so.
*An addiction to porn
*There are deep deep troubling problems in the marriage that are not being addressed.

I don't see how two people could have a solid marriage, good marriage, and one person just "completely withdraw" intimacy.


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## plowhand (Aug 14, 2005)

Well, one of the signs common in many of my divorced aquaintances....was just what Sidepasser describes.......lack/no interest in physical contact.......cause they done wore theirself out somewhere else.......no every time, but over half


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## Westexas (Apr 10, 2013)

DH was in a marriage for 20 yrs with a woman who began cheating on him 2 weeks after the wedding. She refused to divorce him and he thought that he was responsible for her according to the vows they took. He refused to sleep with her when he found out, and prayed for the desire to be removed, which apparently worked! He really tried for a while after we were wed, but I could tell his heart was not in it, and we have been celibate for years now. He will willingly cuddle and kiss, which helps me know he loves me. We laugh a lot, which helps even more. Menopause has helped cool the fire a bit, but it isn't out by a long shot! I could not imagine life without him, and THAT aspect of our relationship just does not seem that important any more. So we express our love and respect in different ways now - make you a cup of coffee or a meal or wash your clothes or just inquire if you need anything. Sex is nice, but doesn't last long, at least not as long as these other things do.


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## Guest (Apr 13, 2014)

Beauty fades, physical abilities wane and disappear..sometimes, mental faculties become nearly non-existent..so then if those things happen, people bail on their spouses and that's OK? Because it's "all about me"? 

For better, for worse..in sickness and in health..richer..poorer..until death ...

Sounds pretty clear to me..

If, God forbid, my husband would be in a coma or not know his name or mine, he would still be the man I love, my husband..and I would still be his wife..the fact that I no longer would be having sex is of little import compared to what HE would be enduring.

I do not understand why people marry if they have qualifiers for their married lives..:ashamed:


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## homefire2007 (Sep 21, 2007)

sidepasser said:


> Never really had an interest in it, but never said no either. Now it is "just not interested".
> 
> I think a lot of couples start out with a deep interest, then over time, it fades and for some, it fades totally out. Others have kids and then all the focus is on the kids and none on the spouse (substitute career, hobbies, etc. here). Others gradually drift away and won't divorce due to assets held jointly, or afraid of being alone.
> 
> ...


My husband was in a coma for seven years before he died. Did I think about it sometimes? Sure I did. Did I seriously consider having an affair? No. When I did think about it, it was mostly for the comfort aspect and closeness to someone. After he died, I had been alone (if you get my drift) for so long, it no longer seemed a need.
What happened was a worst case scenario. I would be very upset if my partner made a unilateral decision like that. I could not stay, I would always wonder what else would be coming down the road.


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## Fair Light (Oct 13, 2010)

One of my close friends has been married for over 25 years. There is no intimacy at all.... They share a house and finances and that is all. They treat each other respectfully. There is no hugging or touching.....she sleeps upstairs and he downstairs... He says he just doesn't see her in that way anymore. She is average size and pretty.. She keeps herself up....this has been going on for several years...my friend is really hurt by this...she feels like he rejects her everyday....the clue in this is that he has cheated on her in the past. Personally I think he has someone else and just doesn't want to rock the financial boat..she has never worked and doesn't think she could support herself. I just don't think I could agree to live like that. Sex isn't everything.... But intimacy on some level is a vital part of marriage.


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## summerdaze (Jun 11, 2009)

I think there's a big difference in being married to someone for a long time, enjoying intimacy, and then suddenly it stops for whatever reason, and a couple who meets later on in life, and one just never gets around to telling the other that they can take it or leave it, and prefer to leave it. 

The first couple have been invested in each other awhile, and had normal relations up to a point. There's a reason for that sudden lack of desire, and I would think they'd want to find out why. If their life together has been very good in all other ways, leaving will probably not sound as good.

A man or woman who begins to put themselves out there in the dating world, and especially on the dating sites, need to be as honest as possible about their need/ lack of need regarding intimacy. I honestly don't think the men would have that tough a time attracting women anyway! I know several women in their 50's, who would be fine if their husbands told them that they didn't want to "do it" anymore. (I'd have to wonder if they really ever enjoyed it much though, or if it's a menopausal thing, or what)

A man who is dating and doesn't reveal this, IMHO, is being dishonest. 

If people would be really honest about their physical needs, we could put all the horn dogs together, all the touch me nots together, and there just wouldn't be as many suffering people! 

Personally, once things are pretty serious in a relationship, I would at least have to have some LONG conversations about needs, expectations, desires, etc, before I would ever think about marrying someone. 
You're gonna spend a lot of time doing it, or not doing it, so communication is KEY, early on, so you don't get surprised on down the road. (And that goes for a lot of other subjects, not just sex, come to think of it!)


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

I have some friends that I hunt and fish with the husband some. I have known the woman longer but have known the guy almost as long. I was so happy for them when they got together because both are dear friends. The husband and I were fishing one day and he started telling me about how she doesn't want to be intimate with him any more. It really hurt him because he still wanted to be intimate with her. He was in his early 50's I guess. He said he was thinking about finding someone to cheat with. We have been friends for along time and I have to say I was surprised because he never gave me the impression of being a cheater. Well needless to say that boat wasn't big enough that day. Lol I don't know if he was hinting to me or just confiding in me. They were raising their grand child and let the GC sleep in their bed with them. Then the husband getting up early woke the child up so the husband moved out of the bed. The only thing I could tell him was get back in the bed with his wife and get the GC a bed of his own. I offered other advice from a womans point of view like don't ask when she has worked all day, been to get groceries and has done 10 loads of laundry Lol but who am I to say. I don't know what happened but the subject has never come back up and I never asked because I don't want to know. They are still married and I still hunt with him every now and then. I just don't know what a person expects the other person to do when this happens. I think it takes compromise on both sides.

ETA: The woman and her family I consider extended family. She trust me and him. I really believe in my heart he didn't act on his thoughts.


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## Guest (Apr 13, 2014)

tambo said:


> I have some friends that I hunt and fish with the husband some. I have known the woman longer but have known the guy almost as long. I was so happy for them when they got together because both are dear friends. The husband and I were fishing one day and he started telling me about how she doesn't want to be intimate with him any more. It really hurt him because he still wanted to be intimate with her. He was in his early 50's I guess. He said he was thinking about finding someone to cheat with. We have been friends for along time and I have to say I was surprised because he never gave me the impression of being a cheater. Well needless to say that boat wasn't big enough that day. Lol I don't know if he was hinting to me or just confiding in me. They were raising their grand child and let the GC sleep in their bed with them. Then the husband getting up early woke the child up so the husband moved out of the bed. The only thing I could tell him was get back in the bed with his wife and get the GC a bed of his own. I offered other advice from a womans point of view like don't ask when she has worked all day, been to get groceries and has done 10 loads of laundry Lol but who am I to say. I don't know what happened but the subject has never come back up and I never asked because I don't want to know. They are still married and I still hunt with him every now and then. I just don't know what a person expects the other person to do when this happens. I think it takes compromise on both sides.
> 
> ETA: The woman and her family I consider extended family. She trust me and him. I really believe in my heart he didn't act on his thoughts.


Taking a stab in the dark , sounds like a hint to me .


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

It may have been in a weak moment for him because he knows me well enough I wouldn't mess with a friend or a married man.


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## Autumn Rose (Mar 9, 2014)

I guess that would depend on how long I had been married, how long the sex has been an issue, my age, if I still had children depending on me, and of course, money.


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## Autumn Rose (Mar 9, 2014)

zong said:


> If I loved my partner, I'd stay. As for sex, sometimes you just got to get a hold of yourself.


ROFL, dork.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

tambo said:


> I have some friends that I hunt and fish with the husband some. I have known the woman longer but have known the guy almost as long. I was so happy for them when they got together because both are dear friends. The husband and I were fishing one day and he started telling me about how she doesn't want to be intimate with him any more. It really hurt him because he still wanted to be intimate with her. He was in his early 50's I guess. He said he was thinking about finding someone to cheat with. We have been friends for along time and I have to say I was surprised because he never gave me the impression of being a cheater. Well needless to say that boat wasn't big enough that day. Lol I don't know if he was hinting to me or just confiding in me. They were raising their grand child and let the GC sleep in their bed with them. Then the husband getting up early woke the child up so the husband moved out of the bed. The only thing I could tell him was get back in the bed with his wife and get the GC a bed of his own. I offered other advice from a womans point of view like don't ask when she has worked all day, been to get groceries and has done 10 loads of laundry Lol but who am I to say. I don't know what happened but the subject has never come back up and I never asked because I don't want to know. They are still married and I still hunt with him every now and then. I just don't know what a person expects the other person to do when this happens. I think it takes compromise on both sides.
> 
> ETA: The woman and her family I consider extended family. She trust me and him. I really believe in my heart he didn't act on his thoughts.



That is quite sad and I would not be surprised if the couple either gets a divorce or he decides to have an affair. Affairs usually give the person something that is missing in the marriage. I once knew an attorney who had an affair that was totally non-physical. He had an affair with a lady to have someone to listen to him and talk to him. Said his wife never had time for him. 

I don't condone affairs, never had one myself - got more than enough trouble with one man to deal with two. But I guess I can see why people do it. 

I reckon if you are single and meet someone, a good conversation should be held regarding intimacy and what one expects from it. Otherwise, like my friend, you may find yourself divorced because you either can't live with it or can't live without it.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

I remembered after I posted earlier ... the French supposedly say, "When sex leaves a marriage, it usually goes elsewhere."
In my observation, that's generally the case. :shrug:


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## arcticow (Oct 8, 2006)

In France, no doubt, that's generally true. As it is here. And in France, there are likely certain ones who carry their commitment all the way, as some will here...


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## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

I had sex in France


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## RideBarefoot (Jun 29, 2008)

Is that why the sheep had to lie?


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## copperkid3 (Mar 18, 2005)

RideBarefoot said:


> Is that why the sheep had to lie?


+ + + + + + +
You pretty much have to take them at their word!


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## starjj (May 2, 2005)

An affair is just a cop out. If you need an affair get out of the marriage. IMO most affairs aren't about lack of sex on one partners part but thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I have known bother men and women that are excited by fact that there is something new, when the new wears off then it was just like their marriage and they start the chase all over again. As far as loosing interest in sex I guess it would depend on the age of the person, how long they were married, and many other factors.


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## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

A ventriloquist was hitch hiking on the out skirts of Winnemucca when a sheepherder spots him. Being it was dusk and no cars were on the road and for the fact the sheepherder was lonely, he walked down and asked the ventriloquist if he'd like to join him for dinner. The ventriloquist gladly excepted and after dinner decided to play a little joke on the sheepherder. 

The ventriloquist says to the sheepherder, "Hey, that's a cool dog. Mind if I speak to him."
The sheepherder looks up at the ventriloquist and says, "My dog don't talk."
But the ventriloquist turns to the dog anyway and he says, "Hey dog. How's it going?"
The dog answers (via the ventriloquist ventriloquism), "Doin' all right. Thanks for asking."
"Is this your owner?", the ventriloquist asks. 
"Yep."
"Well, how's he treating you?"
The dog answers, "Real good. He walks me, he feeds me great food, he takes me to the lake to play."
The sheepherder is amazed at this point, and then the ventriloquist asks if he can talk to his donkey.
Again the sheepherder says, "My donkey don't talk." 
But the ventriloquist turns to the donkey and says, "Hey donkey . How's it going?"
The donkey replies, "I 'm doing good."
"Is this your owner?", says the ventriloquist.
"Sure is," answers the donkey .
"Well how's he treating you?"
"Pretty good. Thanks for asking. He lets me graze all day and I get to do a little packing from meadow to meadow, life is really good."
The sheepherder is totally amazed, so when the ventriloquist turns to the sheep, the sheepherder is clearly worried.
The ventriloquist asks, "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
To which the sheepherder quickly answers, "NO, THE SHEEP LIE!"


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## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

I married an English girl and her Mom got us tickets from England to France for the Olympic's during one of our visits.


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

bostonlesley said:


> For better, for worse..in sickness and in health..richer..poorer..until death ...
> 
> Sounds pretty clear to me..


But there is also:
"With this ring I thee wed. With my body I thee worship. With all my worldly goods I thee endow"

Many find a lack of worshiping a definite trend towards "worse". I am sure it depends on whether there are other intimacies in the marriage, but for one to decide "No sex for you" and to expect the other to meekly concur seems a little cruel. If there is no medical reason, no explanation, no desire to fulfill marital obligations and no desire to seek help in doing so - I think that the marriage may be close to death...

Mary


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## MNBobcat (Feb 4, 2011)

Do some reading on Hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Imagine being married to the love of your life...your soulmate whom you've created a family with...and no amount of romance or touch or anything within your control can get that other person aroused or interested in being intimate with you. They have no interest in being intimate with anyone...no sexual fantasies...no desire...no physical reaction when they are touched...just content to live their life with no sex at all. Statistics say 2 in every 10 people are like that.

So here is a question for you to debate -- your married to someone who has no interest in sex, no arousal mechanism...nothing...but whom you love very deeply and whom you've had children with. (women who want kids will have sex even without an interest in sex) 

Your choice is to stay with that person knowing you're looking at 30, 40 or 50 or more years never knowing the feeling of another person caressing you...or being able to touch another person and feeling what your touch does to them..knowing every day you're one step closer to the grave. Or.....???? What? What would you do?


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Or, one step closer to Divorce, If ones eventually caught, and they usually are, then the other will think that the ones been doing it for as long as they quit having sex with the other. Not worth it.


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## Guest (Apr 16, 2014)

MNBobcat said:


> Do some reading on Hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Imagine being married to the love of your life...your soulmate whom you've created a family with...and no amount of romance or touch or anything within your control can get that other person aroused or interested in being intimate with you. They have no interest in being intimate with anyone...no sexual fantasies...no desire...no physical reaction when they are touched...just content to live their life with no sex at all. Statistics say 2 in every 10 people are like that.
> 
> So here is a question for you to debate -- your married to someone who has no interest in sex, no arousal mechanism...nothing...but whom you love very deeply and whom you've had children with. (women who want kids will have sex even without an interest in sex)
> 
> Your choice is to stay with that person knowing you're looking at 30, 40 or 50 or more years never knowing the feeling of another person caressing you...or being able to touch another person and feeling what your touch does to them..knowing every day you're one step closer to the grave. Or.....???? What? What would you do?


I'd take myself to counseling..and stay in the marriage...sex is but ONE facet of marriage..one.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

MNBobcat said:


> Do some reading on Hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Imagine being married to the love of your life...your soulmate whom you've created a family with...and no amount of romance or touch or anything within your control can get that other person aroused or interested in being intimate with you. They have no interest in being intimate with anyone...no sexual fantasies...no desire...no physical reaction when they are touched...just content to live their life with no sex at all. Statistics say 2 in every 10 people are like that.
> 
> So here is a question for you to debate -- your married to someone who has no interest in sex, no arousal mechanism...nothing...but whom you love very deeply and whom you've had children with. (women who want kids will have sex even without an interest in sex)
> 
> Your choice is to stay with that person knowing you're looking at 30, 40 or 50 or more years never knowing the feeling of another person caressing you...or being able to touch another person and feeling what your touch does to them..knowing every day you're one step closer to the grave. Or.....???? What? What would you do?



If you make the choice to stay with someone like that and she will not engage in any activity that benefits you without regard to how she feels, then I would say that you have to live with the choice as is.

I feel that, for me, that would be a terrible way to live as most people are passionate, sensual beings who cannot live a room mate existence with someone they love. Humans are generally hardwired to have touch from their partners, which includes holding hands, caressing, and casual touch when talking.

Humans require touch as evidenced from studies done in the past on children who fail to thrive when deprived on human touch, such as orphanages. 

I personally would not exchange the intimacy of touch even for intimacy of sex. I am afraid that no matter how much I loved my spouse, to receive nothing but room mate status would require me to exit the relationship.

Sad, but that is no way to live and those folks who can do it and never stray should get an award. I do not count a medical disaster in with the decision to leave, but under the circumstances you describe, it might break my heart all at once but that is preferable to constant rejection, withdrawal, and burying of desire that must take place daily to live with someone like that. In other words, your heart is breaking a tiny bit every day by staying vs. all at once by leaving.

How would you feel in ten years of no physical contact? How lonely that must be when it is obvious that you do desire such.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Ive done it since 91


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## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

That's just crazy Bill, no wonder you're not happy.


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## Bret (Oct 3, 2003)

Hallway does not count.


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## MNBobcat (Feb 4, 2011)

This topic is vastly more complex than one might think. 

You have to understand a lot of the psychology that comes into play as well as how differences between men and women factor into things. 

At the risk of generalizing, young girls may grow up dreaming of having kids and a family and a nice house. Young men grow up dreaming of having a woman they can make love to every night. Wise men won't admit to that though.  

How many women reading this forum know that men in general tend to suppress feelings but those feelings of love for a woman can be their strongest when making love to a woman? Its like a key that opens a door. That's why guys may blurt out during the act, "I love you". It has to do with men and women being wired differently. Women tend to grow up very much in touch with feelings and will talk about feelings with other women. If a guy tries to talk about feelings in front of another man he may get his butt kicked. Its not cool. But if you understand some of the psychology you can understand that for a man not being with a woman can mean cutting him off from his strongest feelings of love for her.

Then there are other factors such as someone with a low sex drive and low need for intimacy married to someone with no sex drive might be able to get along just fine. 

But then put a person with normal to high level of needs with someone with no needs and the dynamics completely change.

And those needs change over time. Its not uncommon for women, for example, to become much more sexual when they reach their '40s and above. Because a lot of women come into their own then and are more comfortable with expressing their needs and desires -- and also may have less stress when kids are grown or gone which can be very liberating to a woman's sexuality as well. Hormonal changes can also kill any sexual desire or make the desire stronger. Menopause can be a factor. 

I decided to join the conversation after starjj posted the "cop-out and grass is always greener" comment. I'm not inferring that I'm condoning affairs but I do find it interesting from an intellectual standpoint how all this stuff plays into relationships.


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

MNBobcat said:


> They have no interest in being intimate with anyone...no sexual fantasies...no desire...no physical reaction when they are touched...just content to live their life with no sex at all. Statistics say 2 in every 10 people are like that.
> 
> So here is a question for you to debate -- your married to someone who has no interest in sex, no arousal mechanism...nothing...but whom you love very deeply and whom you've had children with. (women who want kids will have sex even without an interest in sex)
> 
> Your choice is to stay with that person knowing you're looking at 30, 40 or 50 or more years never knowing the feeling of another person caressing you...or being able to touch another person and feeling what your touch does to them..knowing every day you're one step closer to the grave. Or.....???? What? What would you do?


I honestly do not know what I would do. To be deeply in love is a very powerful reason to stay, but to feel rejection at every turn, to feel "not good enough/sexy enough/fun enough/whatever enough" would be soul-destroying. I suspect that I would end up leaving. 

Mary


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I would suspect that young women on here would grow up wanting to have kids and a family and a nice house on a farm, while young men on here grow up wanting a farm and a family with kids on it.


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

MNbobcat, 
Have you had a heart-to-heart with her? Would she be willing to seek help?


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## MNBobcat (Feb 4, 2011)

roadless said:


> MNbobcat,
> Have you had a heart-to-heart with her? Would she be willing to seek help?


I wasn't talking about me! I was chiming in to provide some food for thought.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

I suspect the wounds from that would take a very long time to heal as well. Probably on par with someone who was hurt from a spouse having an affair. Both are equally destructive to the person suffering the rejection. It is as if one is not good enough, sexy enough, attractive enough, etc.

To deal with that day after day..nope. I would so be gone. There is a huge difference in someone who has a medical issue and someone who just doesn't want to be physical. Especially if you marry someone, put the time in and then it's "none for you Bubba". 

And it is not just women either! Men are just as apt to not be interested as women.


I like marriage because it is the only time where one can actually have sex and no one thinks a thing about it  
It's not "shacking up", or having an affair, or a hook-up. Actually people in general expect married people to be "doing it".

I read that in Islam, a woman may divorce a man if he does not perform his conjugal duties at least once every four months. Now that is pretty serious religion there and even they recognize conjugal rights.


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## MNBobcat (Feb 4, 2011)

sidepasser said:


> I read that in Islam, a woman may divorce a man if he does not perform his conjugal duties at least once every four months.


If they would change that requirement from once every four months to a couple of times a day I would so convert! :nanner:


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

MNBobcat said:


> If they would change that requirement from once every four months to a couple of times a day I would so convert! :nanner:


Ah, but even steak becomes stale if eaten too often.


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## MNBobcat (Feb 4, 2011)

sidepasser said:


> Ah, but even steak becomes stale if eaten too often.


:umno:

Steak in the back of the car.
Steak on the hood of the car.
Steak in the movie theater.
Steak on top of the washing machine.
Steak on the boat sailing the caribbean.
Steak in the hot tub.
Steak outside on the balcony.
Steak in the meadow.
Steak on the motorcycle.
Steak a mile in the air.

I can honestly say that I think steak would never get stale if eaten too often. It depends on who you're eating with, if its good steak and if they enjoy it as much as you do.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> Do some reading on Hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Imagine being married to the love of your life...your soulmate whom you've created a family with...and no amount of romance or touch or anything within your control can get that other person aroused or interested in being intimate with you. They have no interest in being intimate with anyone...no sexual fantasies...no desire...no physical reaction when they are touched...just content to live their life with no sex at all. Statistics say 2 in every 10 people are like that.


I have known a few people like that. You'd be surprised how many folks have a (tacit or otherwise) agreement with their spouse that allows him/her to outsource that particular aspect of their relationship. 

I know a man whose GF lost interest in sex after menopause and told him to go find a "buddy" and quit bothering her. A woman of my acquaintance no longer desires her husband, but very much enjoys being a SAHM, so she gives her hubby carte blanche to have fun on business trips. (I think she's pretty savvy -- it's unlikely that a lap dance in a strip club, or even a hotel-lounge hookup six states away, is going to develop into anything that will pose a threat to the marriage.) My third husband offered me the option of an open marriage in lieu of a divorce. And so it goes ... :shrug:

My cynical side says the unspoken motivation in many of these cases is, "I really don't want to sleep with you anymore, but I'd be very happy if you'd continue paying the bills." ound:

In any case, I think it's a good idea if couples can stick it out 'til the kids are grown. Beyond that, though ... life is short. Carpe diem! :hobbyhors


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## Ramblin Wreck (Jun 10, 2005)

It's anecdotal and coming from a celebrity which makes it somewhat dubious for me, but Marlo Thomas (when asked about the success of her marriage to Phil Donahue) indicated that "good sex" was 35% of the makeup of a successful marriage and that "bad/no sex" was 85% of the problem in bad marriages. The numbers don't add up, but what are you gonna' do. It's hard to apply algebraic axioms to a relationship.


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## Guest (Apr 17, 2014)

If married people would wake up each morning with the thought,"What can I do today to please my spouse?" the divorce rate would drop like a rock..


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

"It's hard to apply algebraic axioms to a relationship.

Yep, sometimes the "x" is forever unknown! ound:


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Your right Lesley. The kids folks should drum that into the kids heads after they have announced their engagement. The preacher should say that to them when there having their talk. Its priceless, literally, information.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Id have givin anything NOW, IF my dad had told me when I first bought a farm, (Alright, heres your place. You've always said all you want to do is farm, so get with it. Quit your running around and get to making a go of this place. And IF mom had said what you said Lesley. But, dad never said nothing, and mom dispised ever woman I brought round to show her, so it goes.


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## Guest (Apr 17, 2014)

( QUOTE ) I read that in Islam, a woman may divorce a man if he does not perform his conjugal duties at least once every four months. Now that is pretty serious religion there and even they recognize conjugal rights.

Does 3 other men have to be watching & swear it's true ?


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## Ramblin Wreck (Jun 10, 2005)

roadless said:


> Yep, sometimes the "x" is forever unknown! ound:


Yep, and you have twice as many x's as I do!


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## L.A. (Nov 15, 2007)

roadless said:


> "It's hard to apply algebraic axioms to a relationship.
> 
> Yep, sometimes the "x" is forever unknown! ound:


Uh,,,well,,,Not unknown so to speak,,just undiscovered,,,

Many times,,,X simply just needs a,,,,Y,,,,:spinsmiley:

Why do people keep asking me to find their X ?????

I sure don't want the return of mine!!


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