# Update, prayers please



## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Hey fiber friends,

I'm not usually one to post my problems on the forum but I just wanted to post an update and prayers would be much appreciated.

First,thank you so much for all the kind words you posted back in February when my Mum died. They are much appreciated.

Son and I went over to England to take care of things and help my Dad. I held together the whole time and managed to do everything I needed to do. But, oh, since coming back everything hit me like a train and I had to give in a go to the doctor for help. Terrible anxiety/panic attacks and complete loss of appetite or interest in anything. 

Today was a better day and I managed to finish the thumbs on Shazza's mitts ( from the KAL) A major accomplishment as I just haven't been functioning on a very high level at all. Next goal is to get the mitten tops turned over and the loose ends sewn in.

Anyway, prayers would be much appreciated. Eating is such a challenge and I'm down to 100lbs ( from 123) I'm only 5'1 so it's not life threatening but I don't want to go any lower.

Thank you all so much! I'm sorry to throw this "woe is me" out here when you're all having lots of fibery fun. Just a bit desperate at the moment.

Pauline


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

Oh Pauline great big hugs to you! It sounds like pure depression. Allow yourself to grieve as you need to. I have always found fibers to help me in all things that seem to tear me up. It just alms and allows my mind to do the thinking I need to. It really helps me to center.

Don't feel bad about talking to us and don't feel bad about asking for help. We are here for you any time you need us.

Healing thoughts and prayers coming to you. Lots and lots of hugs too. Take care of yourself.


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## MullersLaneFarm (Jul 23, 2004)

Pauline, I'm so glad you checked in. Depression is a bugger and I'm so glad you went to the doc for some help getting back on track. Big fibery hugs. You'e in my prayers as you go through this grieving process. Like Marchie, I find a lot of comfort in fiber.


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## frazzlehead (Aug 23, 2005)

Pigeon Lady, you rest as much as your body is telling you to, and do not feel one bit guilty about doing so! You've been through a lot, and you NEED to rest now. You had to be strong and go hard for a long time, and now you have to pay that back with interest. 

Grief is slow work, and the only way out is through, but the work proceeds as long as we let it, a little at a time, with rests in between. Fibre will help you heal, when you are ready to work on your projects. Something easy to knit (garter stitch is your friend!) that you can pick up any time without having to think about it much may be just the thing.

I found some podcasts today (free!) that have guided imagery and meditations for dealing with anxiety and stress and grief ... I haven't listened to them yet, but something like that may help you get through the rough spots, quite often I find that things like that will help me get to sleep when I'm feeling really anxious.

Peace be with you as you heal. Don't feel badly about needing the time - we're all human, we all hurt sometimes, and we understand and are here for you. Hugs.


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## weever (Oct 1, 2006)

Prayed for you, Pauline. Hugs...


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## ELOCN (Jun 13, 2004)

Dear Pauline, I'm sending up some prayers for you. I used to have panic attacks and was terrified of being without my prescription medicine for them. Then one day I realized I hadn't had a panic attack in months and months. I will pray that yours also go away! ((((((((((BIG OLD HUGS))))))))))


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## mamajohnson (Nov 27, 2002)

Prayers for you Pauline. Hang in there. :grouphug:


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## Our Little Farm (Apr 26, 2010)

Praying for you Pauline.


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## Our Little Farm (Apr 26, 2010)

Praying for you Pauline. :grouphug:


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## Mrs. Homesteader (May 10, 2002)

I am so sorry Pauline. I will pray for you.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Thank you all so very much. 

Yes, the doctor says it's depression and will just take time. I hated to have to resort to meds. Hope I'll be able to get off them ok. While I have had panic attacks before, many years ago, I've never been so down and uninterested in life before. When I think of all the "stuff" I've been through and handled over the years, just can't believe that I'm in this mess. 

Frazzlehead, it sounds like you've "been there" too.

ELOCN, I hope you continue to do well. I'm praying for you too.

You all have no idea how much I appreciate your kind words and prayers. I hope once I'm through this, I'll be able to be of some comfort to others going through the same. 

Hugs to you all, and thanks for letting me pour it all out here.

Pauline


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

When you are ready to try going off your meds make sure you talk to your doctor first. Do NOT just stop taking them. You need to go off them slowly just as you had to go on them slowly. Don't feel bad about needing a bit of help, here is no shame in that. Be proud of yourself for having the fortitude to do it. Also, keep talking, or start journaling if you really don't feel like talking to someone.


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## weever (Oct 1, 2006)

Marchwind said:


> When you are ready to try going off your meds make sure you talk to your doctor first. Do NOT just stop taking them. You need to go off them slowly just as you had to go on them slowly. Don't feel bad about needing a bit of help, here is no shame in that. Be proud of yourself for having the fortitude to do it. Also, keep talking, or start journaling if you really don't feel like talking to someone.


WSS.

I think that as women we just go and go and go and give and give and give and nurture and nurture and nurture and we forget about ourselves! Please take the time to take care of yourself, both physically and down deep in your soul.


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

WWS I completely agree with Weever. I so know and understand about the going, and giving, and nurturing everyone else but me. I'm learning now that I no longer have children home. It is a difficult thing to learn or unlearn, I think it will take me years to get it to a point I'm comfortable with.


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## frazzlehead (Aug 23, 2005)

You know the spiel they give you on the airplane, about how "in case of an emergency, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling... if you are travelling with someone who needs assistance DON YOUR OWN MASK FIRST" ... because, duh, you will be of no use to anyone if you are unconscious already.

You cannot be of service to others if you are not well. Taking care of yourself seems "self-centered" or "lazy" or "selfish" to so many of us who were raised to always think of others first. But Jesus said "love your neighbour as yourself" ... and that goes both directions, eh? If you would tell your neighbour (i.e. anyone else, a friend, your kid, your sibling...) to slow down and take care of themselves, if you would bake them cookies and make them tea and tell them to sit with their feet up for a bit and take a rest ... well ... tell yourself exactly the same thing. Have a cookie and a cupppa tea and take a break and realize that you are doing a *good* thing by doing it, not being selfish and lazy.

After all, I'm quite certain that *you* matter just as much to the good Lord as your neighbour does, and that He intends that you to take care of yourself too.


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## MullersLaneFarm (Jul 23, 2004)

Amen and Amen.

It's called self-preservation, not self-centered. And you should give yourself permission to do things for yourself _each day_, if only for 15 minutes.

A very close friend that also has fibromyalgia called me yesterday afternoon. She was enjoying some time with her goats in the apple orchard and called to share with me. Out of the blue (from my end) she started crying and telling me how guilty she felt by not being 'productive'. It dawned on me, she just needed affirmation that it was OK to enjoy her 15 minutes of down time with her goats on a beautiful sunny spring day.

If you have a hard time giving yourself permission to have some down time, give an understanding friend a call, or post here.

God be with you, Pauline.


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

We all need it at times WIHH. I know I do  The affirmation from others really helps. I struggle with the "guilt" thing a LOT, like Cyndi's friend.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Gosh you're all so helpful and full of good advice.

Actually I am sitting with my feet up  

I can't really tell you how I feel, just bewildered and guilty that I'm suddenly so weak and needy. Feel like an invalid. This is not me. Can't believe I had Dh call the neighbor to see if she would come and sit with me! She did and I was very grateful. Another neighbor also came and brought a big bag of groceries. They both keep checking on me.

I guess I never realized just how much my well being hinged on being able to chat with Mum twice a week on the phone. She was very "with it" and young in her outlook. We were best friends and as long as I had her to share everything with all was well with the world. I guess that was my affirmation fix. Usually there aren't enough hours in the day. Now, I'm faced with long hours to fill and find no joy in anything. I keep asking Dh to "come and pray for me." Thank goodness for a wonderful husband and son. And MIL has her whole church praying. With God's help I'll get through.

Anyway there's a little progress. I've been able to eat a bit better. (half a hamburger and a banana shake last evening!) My heart isn't racing and pounding all the time like it was, so I've been able sleep. Fed baby ducks and dusted the book cases today.

Oh, I will be following the doctor's orders regarding the anti depressant. Hated to resort to it but I swear it's saved my life because up until starting that I couldn't get any food down other than a cracker and a piece of cheese now and then. 

I thought of starting a thread in CF for people to write their " how I beat depression" success stories, to give hope to anyone else going through this. 

Thank you all again.


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

Pauline we will be happy to try to fill your Mom's shoes. Although I know we can't come close to that we sure can try. So any time you feel the need to talk about anything come here and we will be happy to hear and I'm sure offer all types of unsolicited advice 

I think your idea of starting a thread in CF is a fine one, I bet you will get some wonderful ideas and conversations going.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Aw, thank you marchie. 

A little more progress today. I had the urge to drive to the library -went alone even- and found a few books. Then on the way back up the mountain I suddenly got the craving for clam chowder and bread and butter! That's the first thing I've fancied in 6 weeks. I threw some in a pan as soon as I walked in the door and actually enjoyed it. Looks like things are turning around a bit.


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

Woo HOO!!!!!


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## MullersLaneFarm (Jul 23, 2004)

:sigh: Enjoy the evening with your books & chowder.


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## mamajohnson (Nov 27, 2002)

Yay! I hope this is going to be the trend for you! :thumb:


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Thank you. Me too! 

I am beginning to get more interest in things, like the garden. I also finished one of the KAL gloves for Shazza!! Just have to turn over the top of the second one. Forcing myself to get out among people is helping too. 

Really appreciate the prayers you all sent up for me. Surprizing how comforting it is to know that people are praying for you. 

Hugs to you all.

Pauline


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## weever (Oct 1, 2006)

Glad to hear it!


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## Our Little Farm (Apr 26, 2010)

So glad you went to the library and had an appettite. It's a good idea to go visit friends too!

Praying and hoping you continue to feel better and life gets easier. You will never forget your mom. She has been a wonderful part of your life and the memories will eventually comfort you. 
You don't ever get over having someone you love so much pass away, but you do learn to live without them, cherishing the memories. Don't rush things Pauline, take one day at a time, accomplish one thing at a time. It will get easier. Trust me.

:grouphug:


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

Well done Pauline! Walk in the world and look at nature too. Here at least each day is just so beautiful with all the trees flowering and the leaves finally coming out, babies and all the sounds and smells of spring. Keep on keeping on. We are behind you if you need us. You're doing great!


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## Our Little Farm (Apr 26, 2010)

That is beautiful WIHH.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Thank you so much for taking the time to post that poem WIHH! It's beautiful. Funny, I once wrote out by hand a whole bunch of poems by Edna St.Vincent Millay and have them in a folder, but I've never seen this one. I love her poems.

Had to go back to the doctor today because I was having so many side effects from the antidepressant. I purposely didn't read the list of side effects because I didn't want to be influenced by it. Well, I was getting so jittery I could hardly write or hold my hands still. I thought it was me that was still nervous and anxious. Finally looked at the side effects and that was one of them. So she's had to put me on a different med. Please pray this one works ok. 

I was hoping we could start backing off on the meds but she was very adamant that it wasn't a good idea to go off them yet. Still losing weight even though I'm eating more 

Feel like I'm slogging up a steep hill, but compared to three weeks ago there is a big improvement.


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## Our Little Farm (Apr 26, 2010)

Hope the new meds work for you.


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## frazzlehead (Aug 23, 2005)

Pigeon Lady, the antidepressants can take a lot of fiddling. Don't give up - but DO let your Dr know if you are having any issues. They can tweak dosages and try different ones, something will work and you will feel a lot better. You don't have to live with bad side effects - so be sure you track how you are feeling. You might try a journal where you write down each day how you feel and what you eat and how long you sleep - those things are informative to the people caring for you.

My dad has lived with chronic depression for years (this is very uncommon, but it is his burden to carry) so I'm really familiar with the dance of the meds.  

If you need them, you take them, like a diabetic would take insulin. If they make you unwell, you get them adjusted, like a diabetic would ge the insulin dose tweaked. Doesn't make you weak or "a loser" for needing them so don't be in a hurry to get off of them - getting your brain chemistry reset will help you get your emotional state reset, they go hand in hand.

You just keep taking really good care of yourself, it really honestly WILL get better. 

Have you got a good counselor to talk to? Are you journaling your thoughts every day? It helps way more than you might think, believe me.


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## frazzlehead (Aug 23, 2005)

Oh, and if eating is difficult, have you tried smoothies? They "feel" like a drink, not food, but they give you nutrition in an easy to take way.

Fruit with yogourt and honey and milk; fruit with ice cream and a bit of milk; yogourt and milk; bananas and a bit of peanut butter and some milk ... and if you can put a few spoonfuls of powdered milk in as well, you up the protein content, but it doesn't "feel" like it when you drink it. 

Might help.


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## Nellie (Oct 18, 2006)

Pigeon Lady, I am so sorry. I had a dream one night that my dad died, and I woke up just sobbing. ((((((hugs)))))). I'm glad you are doing better.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Thanks Nellie, and thanks Frazzlehead for the advice. I've actually been able to drink Kefir smoothies the past few days. I couldn't stomach milky things for a while. Today and yesterday were good as far as eating. I'm holding at 103lbs  


Not good on the new med (zoloft) though. Terrible side effects. No way I can take it. The doctor had me cut the old med (Paxil) down to every other day while at the same time taking just half a tablet of the new one. Well, it's been a holiday so no way to talk to the doc. but boy, I feel so much better since only taking the other med every other day. I'm going to stay with that and see how things go. I didn't realise just how many side effects I was having from it, and that's at the lowest dose available. 

Frazzlehead, my heart goes out to your father. I just can't imagine a lifetime of living this nightmare. I'll keep him in my prayers and hope he's stable at the moment.

Pauline


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## PollySC (Jan 17, 2006)

Pauline, I didn't jump in before but have remembered you in prayer since you first posted. I went through this a year and a half ago when my Mother passed away. Eat to keep up your strength, kefir is very healing. If you can, follow what Frazzle wrote about taking meds and apply it to your eating too -- take your food like a diabetic would. You are tiny and dosages for lots of meds need "tweaking" for very small people, so hang in there with your doctor.

You are very brave to ask for advice and to seek help. May God bless you.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Polly I really appreciate your prayers more than you could ever know.

My head's spinning at the moment. I went online to do some research on how she'll eventually wean me off this drug (Paxil) and oh my, the horror stories. It turns out to be a very difficult one to get off. There's a whole website http://paxilfree.org/ and a forum http://www.paxilprogress.org/forums/ devoted to this. There's even a class action lawsuit against Glaxo because of them covering up all the problems with the drug. Having been very healthy and not one to take much more than a Tylenol I had no idea. I just wanted to be "me" again.

I've only been on it for just over a month so hopefully the withdrawal will be easier than if I'd been on it for years. 

The doc's supposed to call me any time and I hope I can convince her to help me start getting off this thing. Since the tab I'm taking is continuous release and I'm at the smallest dose ( you can't split the pill) it looks like I'll need to go to the liquid form and taper very slowly.

I'm so upset right now.


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## weever (Oct 1, 2006)

Pigeon Lady said:


> I'm so upset right now.


:grouphug:

I don't know a thing about what you're taking, but I do know that if you want to read extreme things, check out the internet. Maybe there is truth to it, but give the doc the benefit of the doubt and let him/her answer your questions. 

And start thinking about what things you can suggest to the doctor as non-pill helps for depression--exercise, eating right and drinking enough water, a gratitude journal, etc. Perhaps if you suggest some of these things, he/she will agree to help you wean off.


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## PollySC (Jan 17, 2006)

Oh, my, I don't know what to say about the meds, but I do know these 3 things:
1) Weever's advice is always spot-on
2) someone who knows more will post soon and 
3) that lots of us are hoping and praying for you to feel better very soon.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Hi weever, I'm feeling a bit better. The doc has agreed to switch me to the liquid form of the med so that we can gradually reduce the dose. According to the success stories on that forum it's the best way to do it. 

I've started walking again now that I have a bit more strength. About a mile each morning and sometimes again in the evening. Walking and deep breathing help. The gratitude journal sounds like an excellent idea! The therapist wanted me to write down all my negative thoughts and then write down something positive to counteract each one. I would rather just focus on the positive, and I have a whole lot to be grateful for! The love and support of you guys for sure!


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

Being an informed consumer is important but also knowing how to take what you learn and apply it is a whole other thing. I totally agree with Weever. I know many, many people who are or have been on Paxil and none of them have problems with it. I was on Zoloft for several years and found great relief and help with that and for me when I stopped it was very easy.

Follow your doctor's directions and as PollSC says give him the benefit of the doubt. He 3 points are excellent too. Exercise is great for depression, as are all the things listed above, see if maybe your doctor an recommend someone for you to talk to. There are lots and lots of other ways to help yourself that do not involve drugs is that is how you want to do it. And keep in mind that just because you are taking these meds to help you through a rough patch, that doesn't mean you will have to be on them for the rest of your life. These are most likely only to get you through until you are feeling stronger and better able to deal with life and the loss of your mother. You already seem to be making great strides in getting back to "normal". Grieving is not something that has a defined time attached to it. My father died 43 years ago now, but I still have a day once in awhile when it all hits me and I find myself in tears. Allow yourself time and be kind to yourself.


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## frazzlehead (Aug 23, 2005)

Dad's been on probably every antidepressant there IS at this point in his life, many in combination. All the drugs have their pros and cons, and each person reacts differently, as well, so finding what works is a tricky dance. You do want to be aware of what the side effects might be (by reading the manufacturer's information, NOT what you see in discussion groups) so that you know what might happen and are prepared - for example, I get brutal headaches and staggering fatigue on some antibiotics, and knowing that it's a possible side effect of the meds helps me to know that it isn't necessarily that I'm not getting better (after a week on antibiotics, I shouldn't still feel so horrible, eh?) but that it's the drugs, and it'll go away as soon as I'm done the full round. If you know that you might have a dry mouth (common with some of the antidepressants), well, if it happens, you can deal with it - and if it gets really unpleasant you can talk to the doctor, but at least you don't worry that you're going nuts because you need to have gum in your mouth all the time! 

There are different ways the meds can be used too, like March said: some people, like my dad, need them every day for their whole lives (but this is EXTREMELY rare - only 10% of all people ever affected with depression have it stick around), others need it off and on, for months to years at a go (depression very often comes back if you've had it once, you are at risk for having it again), and others just need the short term boost the meds provide to help the brain rebalance itself, then they are off the meds and manage with other coping skills.

If the side effects are really troublesome and you really want off the drugs, then talk to your doctor about CAREFULLY AND PROPERLY switching over to St John's Wort: you *cannot take both at once* so do not try! It is a herbal antidepressant that helps with mild depression and I have had good success with it in the past, it's just enough to help me cope but it doesn't make me sleepy or awake or feel any different, really, I just ... cope better when I'm on it. 

Drugs alone - pharmaceutical or herbal - aren't the answer, though, you have to work on coping skills too. Exercise is almost a miracle in how much it affects depression in particular - if you can walk, do it! If you can gradually do a bit more each day, go for it! You will feel MUCH better if you exercise. A healthy diet is good too, of course.

Grief is also a very long road, even without clinical depression being part of the mix. I have had far too much practice already with grieving, but I can tell you two things: first, that the only way out is through (you do have to go ahead and let yourself feel all the sadness, cry as much as you need to, even when you are sick and tired of weeping and wish it could be over already), and second, that it *does* heal (it just takes time and the willingness to be sad as much as you need to, because unexpressed sorrow will fester and make you very ill later on). ETA: you DO need to include those negative thoughts in your writing! They are there and they need their 'air time' ... they can't 'go away' unless you first let them have their say. You don't want to feed your negative energy, but ignoring it is almost as bad. Feelings are neither right or wrong, it's what we DO about them that matters: "bad feelings" will abscess if they don't get a chance to drain away clean, you know? 

Early on, where you are now, it is ideal if you can just take a break from all the responsibilities of life (or as many as possible) and focus on doing the hard work of grieving. Write down the stories you remember about your mom, do crafts in her memory, visit the cemetery or a 'memory place' nearby if it is too far, where you can talk to her or think about her or cry in peace. Sleep when you can, eat when you can, exercise as much as you can, but don't try to BE STRONG for anyone - treat yourself like you had the flu or something, and were in need of a lot of rest. Everyone else can do the chores and the cleaning - you are very busy doing the hard work of mourning. 

There was a reason for the black armbands and the formally scheduled re-entry into social life that we had long ago - losses take time to absorb and to work through, and while I'm personally quite glad that we don't have to wear long black dresses and avoid having any fun for a whole year after a death in the family, there have been a lot of times when I thought it would sure be nice if we were still given a month at home to just be sad and take care of ourselves.

Blessings to you, PM me if you ever want to talk. 

And since the question of how I learned all this is probably burning in at least some minds (though you are all are far too polite to ask) I'll tell you ... my story is no secret: my infant daughter died just after her birth, then a few years later my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour and life got extraordinarily difficult in the time before and after his death (family issues, mostly). I'm presently off work with PTSD recovering from all of what I went through then - which is why I'm so strongly encouraging you to take the time you need NOW - you don't want to end up where I am, years later, having to do the work you "didn't have time for" back then ... it's like quackgrass ... if you leave it for a season, all that happens is that later on you have to dig out a matted clump of roots instead of just one little runner! 

(Yep, I spent the whole day dealing with quackgrass in the garden and thinking "boy oh boy is this a metaphor for my life, or what?!")

Peace to you, PigeonLady. It does get better.


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

Hugs to you too Frazzle! 

Dealing with it all and not rushing yourself through the grief are probably the best advise. You don't need to open a closet door years down the road and find a big old buggy man you thought you had buried. It all hurts but I think the hurt is left if it is still fresh and not to deep in you. Like a splinter, if you don't get it out now it will fester and come out in ways that are not pleasant and will most likely leave a lasting scar.

We all sound like we are repeating ourselves but I think you have a lot of voices of experience here.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Frazzlehead, After reading your story I'm speechless. I just can't imagine going through the hell you've been through. Thank you so much for taking the time to come and offer your help to me even though you are still in the midst of healing from your own troubles. I will PM you, though don't want to be a burden.

I'll be sticking with the meds for a while longer. I was relieved that the doctor agreed to switch me to the liquid form. I'm not as worried about the withdrawal knowing that I can go down in 1mg increments over a period of time. What does bother me is that the med keeps me from crying. I cried buckets at first but once the Paxil kicked it's like I have no emotion whatsoever. In fact some days I hardly think about my Mum, I'm just in a fog. So I'm not sure if I'm grieving or not. I'm not "me" but I'm also relieved not to have the racing heart and high bp and inability to stit in a chair for longer than 10 seconds. 

Therapist tonight so I'll try writing some thoughts down. She told me about an herb named Rhodiola. It's for stress and depression. She takes it herself and says it helps a lot. Once I'm off the Paxil I'm going to try that. Lots of studies have been done on it in Russia,Norway and Sweden. The Russians issue it to their troops apparantly when they're going into stressfull situations. My doctor, however has no time for herbs at all! They're a bit a cross purposes in tht regard.

Marchie, I'm feeling guilty that this thread has gone on for so long. I don't want it to be a detractor from the upbeat, fiber centered place that this is meant to be. So please say if you would rather it went away. I'm just so grateful for these "voices of experience" though.


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

Oh please Marci do not feel that way about this thread. Guilt had no purpose here so don't even go there. I invited you to come here and talk to us. That will always stand. We are here for you. If someone doesn't like it then they an just stop reading. If you get any PM's from people that aren't nice I want to know about it. Because in my book that is not okay. You needed help and you came to us, we are here for you, as long as you need us to be.

Big hugs!


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## PollySC (Jan 17, 2006)

You know, one other thing that might help a bit ... when I had a very complicated (I flat-lined) c-section, I was given an "amnesic" which put me in a fog for about 6 months. With an infant. It helped me a great deal to write down what I'd accomplished each day. At first it was so I'd be sure I was tending to my baby, but it ended up helping me look back over a few days and seeing that I did actually get something done.

Hugs to you, to Frazzlehead and to Marchwind who takes such good care of all of us.


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## frazzlehead (Aug 23, 2005)

PollySC, your journalling idea is a great one. I have been doing that (not every day, but often) so that I can tell my care providers what's really been going on - I can't trust myself to clearly remember how I felt or what I dreamed or what I did, so I write it down. It also really helps me to see when 'enough is already too much' - I don't realize I've overdone it until I crash hard a few days later, and without a list of what I did, I can't figure out why I'm suddenly so worn out. Keeping the log helps me find the patterns.

PigeonLady, the 'no feelings' thing you describe now is technically called "flattening of affect" (affect = emotion) and it is a common side effect of the meds. If you can just ride it out for now, don't worry the feelings are still there and they will come out as you ease off the meds, but this 'pause button' gives you some time to let your body rest up - then when it's time to taper down the meds your feelings will wake themselves back up and by then you'll have the physical strength to deal with them.

I put my feelings to sleep for years - I had to, it was a survival mechanism, really - and now that my world is safe with a loving husband and my son is big enough to be okay if I'm a bit of a wreck for awhile - my feelings are here and I can deal with them. Like March says though - sooner is better than later!  

Helping others helps me heal, too, so don't feel badly about talking to me. The way I look at it, if someone else can learn from all I've been through, then it's even more worth it, you know? I increase the return on my investment with every other person who learns something from my tale, no matter how small it may be.


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## weever (Oct 1, 2006)

Goodness, frazzlehead, what a life. I'm speechless with what you had to go through and not surprised that this would pop up to visit you again like a festering wound. Thanks for typing it all out. This especially resonated with me: "the only way out is through..."

This all is helpful for me to read. Nobody's life is perfect, and reading all this reminds me of coping techniques I've forgotten, and lets me know I'm not alone.


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

None of us is EVER alone! It is one of the miracles of the internet. I don't agree when people say, "it's not real it's only the internet" that just isn't true. I care about each and every one of you as much as I do my IRL friends. So when I say you can count on us you can, at least me you can.

I think this thread is helpful to all of us so don't ever think you are taking up too much time or space.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

No, Marchie, I haven't had any nasty PMs. I just felt bad about hogging so much space on something far removed from Fiber 

I hope it does serve to help others who might be going through similar situations. Reading Frazzlehead's story really helps me put my problems into perpective!

Yesterday was a better day, I felt almost "normal" so we went out for the evening into our little town. Enjoyed lots of old time mountain music and hubby and son got up and did some flatfoot dancing. It's a tiny town (pop 450) but it's a mecca for Appalachian musicians. There's live music (and dancing) around every corner. All family oriented. It was nice to actually enjoy something. I even put some make - on! 

WIHH, I'd love to sit and spin and have a good natter with you. Oh I did notice there's a real nice yarn store just opened in town! It was closed last night of course. WIll have to check it out.


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

Sounds like a great evening! So glad you are finding joy again. Let us know what you find out at that new yarn store.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

I forgot to thank Polly in SC for the suggestion about the journal of things accomplished. I started one. I'm also including what I eat as it's still a challenge. And Polly I'm so sorry you lost your Mom too. Many hugs to you.

Pauline


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## MullersLaneFarm (Jul 23, 2004)

Bless this forum and all the wonderful family that are here.


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## Our Little Farm (Apr 26, 2010)

Hugs to you Frazzlehead, you have been through so much. Losing a child and then a husband is not something you ever think will happen to you, and I hope at some time in the near future you find peace. :grouphug:

A journal sounds like a wonderful thinng Pauline. 
You and your mom were blessed with so many years, and have so many wonderful memories. Have you thought also about a scrap book of sorts? With little notes etc?

Hugs to you too...hope you are feeling better today, and that the medication you are taking right now is helping.

Don't ever think you should just get over losing someone that you love, trust me, it does not happen like that. 

Amen to what MullerslaneFarm wrote.


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## PollySC (Jan 17, 2006)

Pauline, that's right -- write down what you eat, too. You can look back and see your progress and remind yourself to have a bite of this or that. I'm so glad you had fun the other night and that you have a yarn store nearby. I miss both the Appalachian culture and having a yarn store in the county, but that's why I spin and have a dulcimer. Hang in there, you're doing great.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Thanks OLF.

I'm afraid I'm unable to go there yet. When I first got home I started cleaning out the spare room to make a bedroom for my Dad's visit. I found all mums letters from the days before internet. Lots of photos etc. But after a while as I started to feel worse, I had to stop reading them and put everything away in one of those rubbermaid tubs. I hope I'll be able to revisit them as time goes on. My MIL said she had to put her Mom's photo away for 6 months before she could look at it. I still have some pictures out but I try not to dwell on them. 

Dad was suppossed to be here now but I had to ask him to cancel his ticket. I wouldn't have been able to cope. Even now we are eating out for supper most days. Dishes, laundry and lunch are about all I'm accomplishing. At the end of the afternoon I want to get out of the house and go somewhere. I've never ever had that feelinmg before. Always a real homebody.

And yes, what Cindi said!


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## Our Little Farm (Apr 26, 2010)

Pauline. I lost someone I loved and could not open their very personal items for about 6 months.....NOTHING has to be done right now. Do what YOU feel comfortable with, ok?

If you want to go somewhere, then visit some friends.  Maybe even enjoy a grill out or something one evening. Eating out is not a problem. Things will get better and you will be more comfortable with normal things when you are ready. You cannot force it.


((hugs))


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## frazzlehead (Aug 23, 2005)

Pigeon Lady, I am SO PROUD OF YOU for being able to ask your Dad to delay his visit! Recognizing your limits and not attempting to push past them is really, really hard and so YAY YOU! That's a great accomplishment right there. As is putting the things you find hard to look at right now away to look at them later. You still have some reminders around, so you aren't "locking away everything and pretending it wasn't ever there", just putting it aside until you are well enough to look at it. Good for you! 

Wanting to go out in the afternoon might be your body's way of asking for a bit of exercise, too - even just a walk up to the corner and back (umm, actually where I live that's a long, long walk but you get the idea!) will help. Exercise - even just mild, rambling walks - really helps with anxiety, unfocused agitation, and depression, so if your body is giving you clues that "now is the time to move around a little" go right ahead and listen!  

My body sends me out to the garden these days. Never been much of a walker, but boy do I have weeds to deal with and just being outside puttering in the garden makes me feel so much better! That's where I'm headed next, actually.

Keep on keepin' on, you're doing awesome.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

It was a difficult decision Frazzle but I just wasn't functioning hardly at all. Ken and Josh were doing everything, housework and farmwork as well as Ken's regular job. Dad's still waiting to see if they will refund his money. (actually that was the hardest part, knowing that he'd spent all that money and may not get it back. But we will buy his next ticket when the time comes)

Yes, the "corner" is a long way from us too. We're on a long dirt road. Up until today josh and I have been walking a mile or so every morning. It really does help.

Not real great today though, after switching to the liquid form of the med. Lots of tremors and dizziness. Haven't moved far from the couch. I start to feel a little better when it's about time to take another dose. But I'll hang in and will maybe stabilize after a few days. Unfortunately, I dropped another couple of pounds. 101 with jeans and t-shirt on.  

I'm trying to cram food down in the little window when I feel good. So far today I've managed to eat a chicken strip and a few fries, with a glass of V8 vegitable juice. Going to try a banana in heavy cream with a dollop of peanut butter before taking the next dose of medicine.

Keep telling myself "There'll be better days ahead."


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