# when if ever would you "disown" an adult child



## lamoncha lover (Mar 1, 2009)

I love my daughter but not sure I like her much. There are parts of her I do like, but so many parts I don't.I think she is toxic to me, my husband, her children I am raising.
Are there any times when you as a parent would cut ties with your adult children?


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

I think if I believed that they would be a danger to my other children, or if my support was doing more harm than good, as in an enabling situation, I would cut ties. It would take a LOT, though.

I watched my parents enable my older brother, who really is a wonderful person but who had a terrible addiction, and I saw how it only made the situation worse for everyone. I believe that had they been firmer about what they would and wouldn't allow in the relationship earlier on, my brother's life would have been much happier -- he has been clean for 20 years now, and really is one of my favourite people, but his life could have been much happier and less painful had the enabling behaviour been nipped in the bud. 

I know that they say hindsight is 20/20, but I don't know that, knowing what I know now, I would be able to "help" one of my children to the point where it was hurting them. In that case, yes, I might cut ties, if I believed it was better for them.

In short, I would do it if and when I felt I had to to make the situation functional for others or to stop enabling behaviour -- but having never actually had to face the situation, I can't say at what point that might be. I have to have faith that I would know "when".

If your daughter is putting your other children or your relationship with your spouse at risk, then I would suggest it might be time to rethink how you interact with her. Perhaps a family counsellor could help you sort through it?

Good luck.


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## dragonfly65 (Sep 29, 2002)

I would never "disown" any of my children. Even if I had to limit or eliminate contact for whatever reason, they would know that they would always be my child and, as such, I would ALWAYS love them. I don't know if being toxic would be enough reason for me to ELIMINATE contact. That would probably only happen if I felt they were a danger. But I would probably LIMIT contact with a very "toxic" child.


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## bajiay (Apr 8, 2008)

Been through this. Family counseling and personal counseling for her could work wonders.


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

Yes, if you truly believe she is toxic to the children I would eliminate all contact. No point in letting her mess up three more lives. I would tell her that she is your daughter and you'll will always love her but she is not only messing up her life but yours, your husbands and 3 children and it must stop. If necessary I would get a restraining order. 

You cannot help someone who refuses to change. They have to hit their bottom and that bottom might be much lower than you would ever believe. If losing her 3 children didn't do it, who knows what it will take. I'd not want to be along on her trip. 

This opinion is the result of extensive counseling as parents/foster parents of two alcoholic/drug addicted dd's. Thank God they are now both sober and living productive lives. I do not believe they would have arrived at where they are today as soon as they did if we'd kept cushioning their crashes. Tough love is especially tough on parents forced by their child's behavior into exercising it.


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## mekasmom (Jan 19, 2010)

lamoncha lover said:


> I love my daughter but not sure I like her much. There are parts of her I do like, but so many parts I don't.I think she is toxic to me, my husband, her children I am raising.
> Are there any times when you as a parent would cut ties with your adult children?


You love your child. She is still the little girl you read stories to, tucked into bed, prayed with at night, laughed with..... You will always love her, and she will always be your child.

You are angry, frustrated, and probably tired right now because you are raising her children. I assume she married the wrong type of guy and it changed her life and behavior for the worse? And you are very frustrated and hurt about how she has chosen to live her life.

But, none of this changes the fact that she is your baby. You don't want to cut ties with her, just the "new" her that is so different than the child she was. You can't cut ties. It would hurt your heart too much. And no matter what you are her Mommy. You always will be, it will never change. 

But you can certainly set boundaries. If she behaves in a manner that is unacceptable, you make the rule she can't be around at that time. If she learns to be respectful to you then welcome her with open arms. Always confirm your love to her, but don't give money, don't allow her to be disrespectful in your home if she visits or on the phone, don't allow her to use you. If she behaves in an unacceptable, hurtful way then tell her to leave for now, but welcome her with open arms at a later time to try again. Tomorrow is a new day. Try again tomorrow. Always exhibit grace with love, but set boundaries. Do this for yourself, and for the little girl that she still is in that adult body, the baby you rocked and giggled with, your child.

And as far as your grandchildren, what an honor God has bestowed upon you to allow you to raise them. I know you are tired and frustrated because life is supposed to a lot less work after our children are grown. But God has entrusted you with the honor of raising your progeny. You can give them the love that their parents cannot right now. You can shape their lives, tell them of their great grandparents and how you grew up, teach the to love their Mom even if she is unable to care for them herself. You can teach them to have great grace and mercy, show forgiveness to their parents for not being mature enough and well enough to raise them. If you teach them to honor their parents they will live long on the earth. That is a promise of God. 

And the kids need to have someone to reassure them that their parents do care about them. They need to feel wanted and loved. They need to learn to love and honor their parents despite their shortcomings. You can give them that perspective. God has entrusted you to do that.

So, my advice would be to not cut off your daughter. Just set boundaries. And see the situation in a bigger perspective. God has entrusted you with all these people, to love them, and teach them. You are tired, but let go of the little things, and just focus on your main priorities-- loving your daughter and teaching her boundaries, and raising your grandchildren to honor their parents, and you. Let go of all the anger for yourself and your own peace of mind. See your child as the child, unable to be even act like an adult right now, and love her because she is the baby you raised. You don't have to accept the bad feelings she aims at you, just let them go knowing that it's her problem with her own mind, emotions, physical addiction, it has nothing to do with you. And if her behavior is unacceptable at that moment, then make her leave. But don't cut ties forever, just for the day or a couple of days to let her cool off.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I would never disown my grown children. Our problem would get worked out somehow.


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## SquashNut (Sep 25, 2005)

give her fair warning first. And be aware that this is your grand childrens mother your talking about. If they see you as the one who is stoping them from seeing their mother, you could be in for more family strife than you have now.
In the mean time be sure they have only supervised visits.


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## Dixie (Dec 10, 2002)

mekasmom said:


> YI assume she married the wrong type of guy and it changed her life and behavior for the worse?
> 
> I agree with your post wholeheartedly, with one exception. My oldest son is married to an addict. He had no clue, when he married her. It isn't always the guy's fault. Just sayin'.....


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## JJFarmer (Mar 10, 2011)

My children are young yet so I can't assume how you feel. If my children became toxic I would feel the obligation to fix the problem because in the end I would have to conclude that I made them that way. When my child acts insecure or scared I try to find ways to teach them confidence, when my child acts selfish I try to teach them to be selfless. If in 20yrs my children are people I wouldn't want to be around I would have to look at how they became that way and would feel obligated to teach them to be otherwise.

I've had a lot of conflict with my own parents. That conflict comes from a lack of parenting when I was growing up and so I struggle as an adult to overcome all the things my parents taught me. My siblings are the same way, some of them fight harder than others to overcome our parents lax some haven't figure out how to let go of a poor childhood. I can honestly consider some of them to be toxic and don't have much to do with any of them and vice versa. Not because they're bad people but because we're all overcoming what our parents turned us into.


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## belladulcinea (Jun 21, 2006)

Dh and I work in the area of recovery and you cannot fix anyone, they have to come to the conclusion that they need the change themselves. See if there is a Celebrate Recovery program in your area and go through the program yourself. It's amazing the difference it can make when even one member of the family seeks to get better. If you're asking yourself what you need to recover from the easy answer is your daughter's behaviour and you will find other things that need to be "fixed" as well. We've seen lots of families healed in this program and highly recommend it to those who need something to go along with counseling!


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

My DD-soon-to-be-18 has chosen a different path and different values than our household follows. She is happier with a family of her own choosing. Her little sister is blossoming without the daily drama and trauma. 

She makes it clear how she feels about us and our values. I bite my tongue and pray for her daily...I say, "Be patient, God is not through with her yet."

That said, I am not comfortable with the type of people she prefers to hang out with and will not have them in my home. I am willing to meet her in public places and help her in any way I can, but our household cannot be exposed to any more toxic values or people.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

If I remember right (correct me if not) this daughter is birthmother, but are you not raising them as the adopted parent? She has a serious amount of problems that she will not address? I would not disown her, my kids have been a mess in the past, and I just made them understand they were not welcome to drag their baggage through my life. But maybe a restraining order if you can't keep her away. Make her tow the line, get help, get well as she can and stay away until then.


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## mare (Aug 31, 2006)

when you have enough of the lies, theft, anger, sleepless nights and betrayal and manipulation--yeah there comes a point where you have to protect yourself emotionally and cut them out of your life. is it going to be easy on you---no its isnt--but is it easy on you now? you cant change people and if it was a friend doing this too you you would end the friendship. being someones child doesnt give you the right to do this and if they cant figure that out whats the point of putting yourself through that over and over again. i've been there and sometimes watching them on their collision course is unbearable and you cant let them take you down with them.


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## kirkmcquest (Oct 21, 2010)

I've seen junkies suck the life out of their families. I'd like to think that if I had a junkie kid, I'd have the strength to cut them off.


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## 36376 (Jan 24, 2009)

We've just had to deal with this over Christmas. We had to tell our son that we love him very much and want him to be a part of our family but when he was ready to be a part of a real family, please let us know, otherwise the ball is in his court. We are done chasing, being used, manipulated, lied to, talked about. Funny thing is he sent me flowers for Mother's Day and visited me at work a few days later and called to check on his dad. Tough loves works.


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## mare (Aug 31, 2006)

i used to think it worked too but after being on that rollercoaster ride for years i really think there are people out there that nothing works for. not tough love not unconditional love.........just nothing. i hope it works for you Carmen but be prepared to keep doing it.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Adults choose their own lives, and we cannot change their decisions.

That being said, I made a firm rule that when my kids were with a relative or two, that I would be their also. I did not even go to the bathroom unless DH understood that I needed him to be with them for a minute.

When the kids were older they said that they did not want to see this person again: I said that was fine with me. If they wanted to change their minds when they were older they could.

in other words, I did not cut them out of my life, I simple set FIRM limits and I limited the contact to what I could live with.

You cannot fix some people, even if you care about them.


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

LL - What a burden for a mother and grandmother to carry. I am praying for you and the whole family.

My parents faced a similar sort of problem with two adult children. One, they finally cut off. He is sober, productive and happy today. One, they indulged and kept bailing out. She is still, slowly, killing herself. No quality of life.

The question is, what is best for the most vulnerable human beings in our care? Adults make their choices and are best left to deal with the consequences of those choices. Children must be protected. They are captive to their circumstances and cannot free themselves.

Most adults can free themselves if they will. I had a coworker with bipolar who worked her butt off to be productive and stay level emotionally. She was inspiring. I'm sure I have no idea how hard it is for her, but she was determined to overcome her difficulties and live a dignified life.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

lamoncha lover said:


> I love my daughter but not sure I like her much. There are parts of her I do like, but so many parts I don't.I think she is toxic to me, my husband, her children I am raising.
> Are there any times when you as a parent would cut ties with your adult children?


First, I am so sorry this is happening. I cannot imagine the heartbreak.....

If she has an addiction, or a mental imbalance that causes her to be the way she is, she needs to seek help.
If she does not want help, then you have to protect the babies you are raising.

If that means removing her from family functions, your property, and the like, then you have to do it.
Let her know she is loved, but her choices are not. AND that her choices have determental effects on everyone......and you love her to much to let her continue down the path she's on.

Tough love.
I was on the receiving end of it.
It saved, my life.


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## Jan in CO (May 10, 2002)

Having been in this position myself, and now again with a gd who is bipolar and refuses to take her meds, I can agree that it is a no win situation to let a grown 'child' ruin your family and marriage. It is more difficult than anyone can possibly imagine to tell your child, even tho grown, that they are not welcome in your home unless they can abide by your values and rules. Eventually, unless they continue with addictions or refuse to get needed treatment, they will come around and see you love them and only want the best for them. At least both my adult children did. 

As for the comment about parents 'making' their children behave this way, I have to disagree. Maybe in rare cases, yes. But for the most part, we do the best we can, and in no way do we choose for our children to go down the path of using drugs. Everyone makes choices, some better than others. When you raise two children the same, with the same values and moral teaching, and one chooses to go to school, live the way you have taught them, and the other doesn't, and has a miserable life, it isn't the parent's fault. It does hurt to see it, but you can't make them well. 

Hang in there, and I think the 'setting boundaries' idea is the best one. Some day, maybe she will come around and want to be a part of the family again. Good luck. Jan in Co


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

kirkmcquest said:


> I've seen junkies suck the life out of their families. I'd like to think that if I had a junkie kid, I'd have the strength to cut them off.


 That is not always the way to go. My daughter was a meth addict (and more) for years. I sent her to rehab at 16, they told her it was all my fault and let my parents (a whole 'nother story there) take her home with them. I had her back home in 3 months as they could not deal. She ran away with my blessings in another 2 months. I did not know where she was for a couple years then we re-connected when she was 18. She looked for me. I let her know I loved her and cared. I did not approve of her men, her drugs, her life, but I loved her. This went on for another 15 years but we stayed in touch. She lived here when she was clean and left when she wasn't. I had nightmares the last year that the next call from colorado was to let me know she was dead. But...3 and a half years ago she called and told me she was tired of the life she was living and wanted to come home and try to get clean. I sent her a bus ticket but not a cent of cash, told her she was welcome here but no drugs, if she was not getting clean do not come. She's been clean for 3 and a half year, weighs 30 lbs more, haas her GED, cleaned up her law issues and is on her way to college to learn to be a vet tech. Please do not disown someone for addictions, be strong, set your rules in stone and go from there.


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## Lilbitof4 (Mar 2, 2011)

I wasn't exactly an "adult" at the time, but had my parents not chosen the "Tough Love" route that they did, I absolutely believe that I would not have made it to adulthood. I'm sorry for your family. 

On another note... people can completely change themselves. Never give up hope. I'm living proof.


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

It's easy for someone who hasn't been there to say they would never cut them off; it's another thing when your adult children are putting you, their children you are raising, and the rest of the family through a living hell. You have no idea unless you're living it! I can totally understand where the OP's coming from.

When you've exhausted all resources and your adult child still continues to make terrible choices that constantly upsets everyone in the family; when their children are being emotionally tossed to-and-fro between poor parenting and/or waltzing in and out of their lives, or when it's causing conflicts between you and your spouse or other children, or your being held hostage, etc. and this has been going on forever -- it's time to cut them loose.

It doesn't mean you no longer love them or pray for them. It just means enough is enough in order to keep the rest of the family intact and safe. 

The door is always open and they will be welcome back at any point when they change and become a responsible human being again. Until then, you didn't make this choice -- they did.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

My older sister has been disowned. Mnay things she did , she's crack addict, she threw a minor child out of her house without any place to go, she stoel money from my parents, she stole other things from other people. She got away with a lot on her lifetiem before my parents finally said "when" I frankly was relieved because she got away with a lot of thigns I sure as never would have!

My Dad wanted to make things right before he died and she never responded to his request neither did 3 of her kids (he other one was lviving with my parents) so as far as my mum is concerned she is not family-my niece will inherit her portion asa restitution for the lack of her parents. 

Sometimes you love your child but hate the person they become. Sometimes they need to be eliminated from your life because they are a slow poison. My sister was all I can say is I am glad she never succeeded in killing me(she tried several times and my parents sided with her telling them I was imaginign it) By their actions with her my parents saw less of my children than any of their other Gkids and before my dad passsed on he told my DH we had done a greta job with our kids and he regretted not knowing them better. It was his way of apologizing to mmy DH. I was hte last person to speak at his service besides the Minister-that was his apology to me.

Soemtimes it soudns severe to elimante a person from your life but there is a limit to how much you can take and still pardon them. There is a difference between forginving and pardoning someone.

If your life is more peaceful and stable without her you might find it easier to think first about how much better the kids might be if they are allowed to grow up without the psychological damage toxic relationships inflict, my niece is still dealing with it but at least she has made some prgress she realizes her 'collecting' habits with animals are feeling unloved by her parents. It has taken her 8 eyars to get to the point where she can examine the relationships with fne tooth coomb and realize it was not her fault her parents abandoned her.

Better for your kids to grow up and have a normal life and reconnect with their birth mother when they are cpapable pf handling it


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## lamoncha lover (Mar 1, 2009)

Some of your responses really got me thinking..and some of them actually choked me up.
If I "disowned" her..it would only be until she sought help and changed her ways. I guess disown is the wrong word. My heart would be open to her if we could just get out of this spiral. I am so frustrated with her I can no longer even act loving. I just want her to get help and act like a responsible 34 year old woman instead of a 6 year old mess.
Its a very sad situation. I have really gone out of my way to help her in the past. Leant money when I didn't have it..got her a car and of course not paid back, allowed a breach of my own morals by allowing her to live here with her bf, when she only had the one child I took him for a bit..even though I still had children at home and a job. Later I had taken her other boyfriend to see his probabtion officer every week for months 45 miles away. I even bailed him out. I have driven thousands of miles trying to help her get it together. She does not follow through on any of it.....so it is my energy and pretty much mine alone.
She came to stay here awhile and od'd several times. She lies to my face, manipulates, twists, has no self pride,always plays a victim, is selfish, isn't afraid to beg almost anyone for money, just no boundaries at all. has made no effort to get help. She says she isn't on drugs now..but I don't believe her. Its hard to say as she is bipolar and I just can't even tell if its an episode or addiction. She refuses meds as she thinks they will make her flip out...but has no problem abusing her prescribed narcotics. Know she lied about her pill use to me before. I did call all the doctors that prescribed narcotics. she was eventually going to od and kill herself.
The family dynamics is just too much. No matter my intentions to remain calm and I always seem to fail. She does continue to blame me and I see her playing me like a fiddle. She will push and push and push and I TRY to stay calm and fail..and eventually when I resort to hollering she starts to cry and is the victim. granted it is my responsibility if I loose my cool. and I deserve blame as I failed her a lot in her childhood.But it does no good not to take personal responsibility once you are an adult. I do NOT blame my dysfunctional upbringing on my problems today. I think it stagnants growth if you take no responsibiity for your own life.
And to those who mentioned the grand kids..yes we did adopt the 4 of them. My daughter was not capable of making good decisions in raising them and lost them to the state, And she still does not take responsibility for loosing them. It is someone elses fault.
I just have no tolerance anymore. when she lost the kids I pretty much got the mind set now sink or swim. No more financial help as I didn't have to worry about the kids anymore. She just continues to sink. She is very emotionally needy but after raising her 4 kids I don't have a lot left in me to give. I am about sucked dry
thanks for all the viewpoints. I still haven't decided for sure what I am going to do


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

Lilbitof4 said:


> I wasn't exactly an "adult" at the time, but had my parents not chosen the "Tough Love" route that they did, I absolutely believe that I would not have made it to adulthood. I'm sorry for your family.
> 
> On another note... people can completely change themselves. Never give up hope. I'm living proof.


Thank you for that continued hope. It's been 14 years since we've seen or heard from ours. Some times I tend to just want to give up the last ounce of hope I have that she will straighten herself out and want to be part of the family again. 

We have no regrets because it was necessary to save the life of her son (now our adopted child), just still a lot of a mother's heartache over that empty spot in the family, regardless of the situation. Your child is still your child. 

I am also convinced that there are just some children that, regardless of upbringing or resources, there is just something built into them to reject good choices in their life. It seems that, no matter what the consequences, what _they_ 'want' is so much stronger than anything else or anyone else. It just gets them in deeper and deeper until they can't even remotely understand responsibility any longer. It's like it's just not there for some odd reason.


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

lamoncha lover, the best advice some one ever gave me is this, and it change our lives 306 degrees. Perhaps it will help you too: 
There's no reasoning nor negotiating with an addict or a drunk. They will only end up using it against you. It simply will never _ever_ succeed until they are clean and want to change.​


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

LL,

My heart breaks for you. I am so, very very sorry.
Protect the little ones.....protect your marriage.....protect your sanity.
You can do all that and still 'love her'.
You have to make the insanity, stop. I am so so sorry.


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## 36376 (Jan 24, 2009)

mare said:


> i used to think it worked too but after being on that rollercoaster ride for years i really think there are people out there that nothing works for. not tough love not unconditional love.........just nothing. i hope it works for you Carmen but be prepared to keep doing it.


Mare, I agree with you wholeheartedly and that's basically what has happened. The tough love happened after everything else was done. When we decided to do the tough love, we knew it was going to be the long haul. It basically put the ball in his court. The responsibility is his now.

For those who do not know what to do, we've had to come to the realization that we cannot do anything for him and he has to realize that he, as a 25 y.o., has to be responsible for himself and he can no longer live with us. (which has doesn't) We will not give him anymore money, nor let him borrow vehicles. Unconditional love does not mean you are a doormat. We have unconditional love for him. We love him no matter what he does. He KNOWS I love him. He will tell you that right now. He also knows now that I'm not taking his crap anymore and that he has to show me and his father respect. When he shows us respect and doesn't feed us a line of crap, (when he does, we don't hesitate to call BS) we get along just fine. We just will not allow him to disrupt our lives with the constant drama, lies, manipulation, etc... We have a 17 y.o. that even sees what is going on and agrees with us. The 17 y.o. has even had enough. It's also pretty bad when a mother has to take a sedative and hide her purse for a visit and thought she was possibly having a heart attack and was scared to go to sleep. 

It's a rough road to be sure. You are so right Mare. You are so right. I feel for you. I read your other post and we are there. Hope it's getting better for you. It is like watching a train wreck.


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## stormwalker (Oct 27, 2004)

lamoncha lover said:


> I
> Are there any times when you would cut ties with your adult children?


Absolutely! 
Also, a toxic parent or sibling!
And I will add- the 'friend' who turns out to be poisonous!
Life's tough enough- We don't need more damage!


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## nodak3 (Feb 5, 2003)

There are those that will never understand, but when that baby you snuggled, that little one you read bedtime stories to, grows up and becomes dangerous to the current crop of little ones, you protect the innocent.

Yes, it hurts horrifically. You can still pray for your straying one. But like the Father, you wait for them to leave the pigpen. You don't pad it, air condition it, and keep up the mortgage on it.


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## kirkmcquest (Oct 21, 2010)

pamda said:


> That is not always the way to go. My daughter was a meth addict (and more) for years. I sent her to rehab at 16, they told her it was all my fault and let my parents (a whole 'nother story there) take her home with them. I had her back home in 3 months as they could not deal. She ran away with my blessings in another 2 months. I did not know where she was for a couple years then we re-connected when she was 18. She looked for me. I let her know I loved her and cared. I did not approve of her men, her drugs, her life, but I loved her. This went on for another 15 years but we stayed in touch. She lived here when she was clean and left when she wasn't. I had nightmares the last year that the next call from colorado was to let me know she was dead. But...3 and a half years ago she called and told me she was tired of the life she was living and wanted to come home and try to get clean. I sent her a bus ticket but not a cent of cash, told her she was welcome here but no drugs, if she was not getting clean do not come. She's been clean for 3 and a half year, weighs 30 lbs more, haas her GED, cleaned up her law issues and is on her way to college to learn to be a vet tech. Please do not disown someone for addictions, be strong, set your rules in stone and go from there.


Well done, thats the way I'd like to handle it. When I said yes to 'disowning' I meant throw them out and let them fend for themselves. To be honest I'm not sure I would ever 'disown' my kid completely unless they committed a heinous act.


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## mare (Aug 31, 2006)

Carmen Renee said:


> Mare, I agree with you wholeheartedly and that's basically what has happened. The tough love happened after everything else was done. When we decided to do the tough love, we knew it was going to be the long haul. It basically put the ball in his court. The responsibility is his now.
> 
> For those who do not know what to do, we've had to come to the realization that we cannot do anything for him and he has to realize that he, as a 25 y.o., has to be responsible for himself and he can no longer live with us. (which has doesn't) We will not give him anymore money, nor let him borrow vehicles. Unconditional love does not mean you are a doormat. We have unconditional love for him. We love him no matter what he does. He KNOWS I love him. He will tell you that right now. He also knows now that I'm not taking his crap anymore and that he has to show me and his father respect. When he shows us respect and doesn't feed us a line of crap, (when he does, we don't hesitate to call BS) we get along just fine. We just will not allow him to disrupt our lives with the constant drama, lies, manipulation, etc... We have a 17 y.o. that even sees what is going on and agrees with us. The 17 y.o. has even had enough. It's also pretty bad when a mother has to take a sedative and hide her purse for a visit and thought she was possibly having a heart attack and was scared to go to sleep.
> 
> ...


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## Audrey (Jun 19, 2002)

I just want to say I am learning following this thread closely. It's giving me an idea of the type of tough love that may be needed in my own life if my child doesn't seek help. 

Lamoncha Lover, I am sorry. You've been through a lot. I know this is hard for you. I think it's okay to put yourself 1st for once. It's not like you haven't tried. Maybe making a new boundaries will be the only thing that will make a difference in the long run. You deserve happiness.


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## texastami (Sep 13, 2002)

Our story involves mental illness... Bipolar.... but our ds23 knows.... WITHOUT A DOUBT.... that if he decides that he no longer needs his meds or he stops taking them because he "forgets".... that we will no longer be available to him (not disowned, but "disallowed" to participate in family things until he is "right" again... 

I REFUSE to allow him to disrupt our family with his manic episodes and his behaviors. He will not negatively influence our other children.... so walk the line or walk the road... his choice.... 

and I am happy to report that he has chosen to take his meds consistently so he can be part of the family that loves him and wants him to succeed!!


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## texastami (Sep 13, 2002)

nodak3 said:


> There are those that will never understand, but when that baby you snuggled, that little one you read bedtime stories to, grows up and becomes dangerous to the current crop of little ones, you protect the innocent.
> 
> Yes, it hurts horrifically. You can still pray for your straying one. But like the Father, you wait for them to leave the pigpen. You don't pad it, air condition it, and keep up the mortgage on it.


I totally agree!!


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## 36376 (Jan 24, 2009)

thank you but it is never going to get better for us and for my own sanity i had to tell him i was done and he is no longer welcome in my life. it isnt something that just happened over night and he wound up with a girlfriend who thought she could treat me the same way---the end for me was when after years of the treatments and the prison and all the help ect ect that he got from me. and all the theft and lies ect ect. when i told him enough was enough i was told that i was crazy and need help (yea it is an addicts thinking but he is no longer an addict not in the sense that he is still using) if i dont let him bleed me dry--i am nuts. if i get upset cuz i found out how him and his girlfriend bad mouth me--i am crazy. i miss the hell out of him but what i dont miss is the anxiety i felt being around him and i never could quite get rid of the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop and going on the roller coaster ride again. yes my life seems sane again but i have a huge hole in my heart buts it is the way it has to be--i spent 25yrs putting his needs above my own and i deserve to take care of myself now. i look back on my life with him and wonder what i could've done different but in reality i dont think if i did anything different it would have mattered. he is a very intelligent person and doesnt have any mental illnesses (hes been tested). thats why i feel if he is in my life he will never stop.[/QUOTE]

I am so sorry Mare. You definately have a worse situation than we do. It does put a hole in your heart. I can't tell you how many nights I've laid awake crying and praying for my son. Praying for him is the absolute BEST thing we can do for him. I'm proud of you, even though I know it hurts so much. Even though we are in similar situations, I know I don't know exactly how you feel. You've done everything you can and you are probably right, nothing you could have done differently would have changed anything. No matter we did, what approach we took, it never made any difference.

Blessings to you. You deserve them.


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## stormywood (Jul 10, 2009)

yes, toxic is like poison, don't want that around either! I know it hurts, btdt.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Lamoncha lover, if my SIL or my nephew came to my doorstep I would greet them kindly and then drive them to the nearest homeless shelter. 

My nephew lived with us for a bit and he was almost my adopted son: my SIL was once a close friend of mine, but I cannot and will not live with their antics. They are addicts and it is impossible to reason with an addict. When you talk to an addict you talk to the chemicals in their bodies and not to them.

I write to my nepphew when he is in jail and I worry about him when he is not (I never hear from him when he is out of jail). I worry about my SIL when the weather is bad because she burns anybody she lives with and so she usually homeless. I have not cut them oit of my life, I have simply decided what I can live with. They LIKE! a turbulent life full of risk and excitement, but I simply refuse to live it with them. They have their lives and I have mine.

SIL says she hates me but I never hated her: DH says she is jealous of my home and family but she destroys any home that she lives in because she craves excitement. No matter: if she would rather live in a park then in section 8 housing (she was kicked out, of course), then that is her choice. I refuse to feel sorry for her because this is simply the way she has chosen to live. She prefers her life to mine. 

If she wants to come back into my life, fine. But I will not help her, I will not give her money, I will not loan her what is mine. I will not make it easier for her, who was my friend and my bridesmaid, to sink further into a drug ridden haze. She chose this life BEFORE she was an addict, it is what she has always sought out. The excitement, the drugs, the gambling with life, the men. It is what she always craved out of life. I have watched her go from a bright and lovely 16 year old with a yen for the fast life to.... this. AND SHE KNEW WHERE SHE WAS HEADING! 

Lord help me, when I first knew her I thought she would settle down. She did not. I have placed a distance between us because when you talk to an addict you are not talking to the person at all: you are talking to the drugs ONLY! This is why when she came up to her brothers funeral I rented her a hotel room: I wish her well but to maintain the boundaries we have set she cannot stay here.

Lamonch lover, gentle hugs, This is a very hard thing.


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## lamoncha lover (Mar 1, 2009)

I am not much of a cryer but too have cried many a tear quietly at night when noone can see.
I am to the point that I no longer have the energy to cry. If this were not my own daughter she wouldhave had my back turned to her long long ago
.On a positive note there is one of those meetings someone reccomended about 25 minutes from me. I have been looking for a support group and maybe this will give me what I need. And yes I am feeling quite sorry for my self.Things certainly have not gone the way I had planned this time around:>) The support group will be very good for me.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

kirkmcquest said:


> Well done, thats the way I'd like to handle it. When I said yes to 'disowning' I meant throw them out and let them fend for themselves. To be honest I'm not sure I would ever 'disown' my kid completely unless they committed a heinous act.


 Thank you and yes if they did something so heinous that it would be totally aweful I would cut them out of my life faster than they can utter"but, mom"


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## lamoncha lover (Mar 1, 2009)

lol pamda


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

Well, if my child murdered my husband or other child I'd disown him/her. Disown otherwise? No way!

Even if my children were behaving in a horrible manner I'd never disown them. Would I limit contact? Yep. Disown? No way. What do you think would happen if you told your child that you disowned them and six months, a year, ten years, etc., later they turn their life around? Do you think they'd let you see your grandchildren or ever trust you to re-enter their life?

You need to go to counseling. You also need to go to counseling with your hubby. Counseling can help you react to poor behavior in a helpful way. We must remember that in nearly all relationship problems we play a part.


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## Guest (May 24, 2011)

I have an adult son who has "issues"..disown him? never..he will always be my son and I will always love him..

that being said..he knows what rules I have:

I will not give him money
I will not loan him my car
I will not clean up his messes
If he ever gets arrested, I will not bail him out
If he's ever in jail, I will not visit him

It's never easy to say, "no", but it's necessary.


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## Wolf Flower (Dec 21, 2005)

My parents figuratively disowned me while I was still a teenager. They threw me into group homes, juvenile hall, and foster homes...not because I was committing crimes, doing drugs, or anything like that (it's a long story). Now, I realize that my presence was "toxic" to them, as theirs was to me. Had I been an adult, I would not have blamed them, but as a mixed-up kid, I really needed love and support. Does that mean they should have thrown away their new lives with their new spouses? Well, I'm sort of biased and I believe that raising children is a huge responsibility, not one to be taken lightly, and one should not choose a new spouse OVER your young children. Anyway, my dad eventually divorced his second wife because she, as it turns out, was the truly toxic presence and left a trail of destruction in her wake.

But we are talking about adult children here, not minor children that you are still legally responsible for. For an adult child whose behavior is ruining your life, I can totally understand getting them out of your life.

I grew out of my toxic behavior. Was it because my parents "disowned" me? Maybe. To this day I am terrified of being rejected, to the point where I will bend over backward to my own demise to avoid rejection. Is that a good thing? Sometimes it is; it keeps me out of trouble. But it's also very fraught.


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## country4me (Apr 10, 2008)

"I am also convinced that there are just some children that, regardless of upbringing or resources, there is just something built into them to reject good choices in their life. It seems that, no matter what the consequences, what they 'want' is so much stronger than anything else or anyone else. It just gets them in deeper and deeper until they can't even remotely understand responsibility any longer. It's like it's just not there for some odd reason."

Karen-thanks so much for writing this.....just what I needed to "hear".


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## cc (Jun 4, 2006)

After my daughter, while high on PCP, tried to kill me I didn't exactly disown her but cut out all contact with her and told her that when she decided to get straight I would be here for her. I still love the little girl that I read stories to, tucked in bed, did all the things "good mothers" do but some how that little girl doesn't exist anymore. I haven't seen her in almost 20 years but would love for her to call and just say she was doing OK. I really miss her and yes, I still love her. I guess that most of us feel the same way, at some point you must protect the rest of your family and if that means tough love to the one, that is what you do.


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## weedlady (Sep 26, 2005)

mekasmom said:


> You love your child. She is still the little girl you read stories to, tucked into bed, prayed with at night, laughed with..... You will always love her, and she will always be your child.
> 
> You are angry, frustrated, and probably tired right now because you are raising her children. I assume she married the wrong type of guy and it changed her life and behavior for the worse? And you are very frustrated and hurt about how she has chosen to live her life.
> 
> ...


Thank you
Martha


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