# We Need Funny Stuff----please sow yours (funny stuff)



## stars at night (Mar 12, 2021)




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## wdcutrsdaughter (Dec 9, 2012)

I don't have any photos of my funny stuff. 😊


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## stars at night (Mar 12, 2021)

wdcutrsdaughter said:


> I don't have any photos of my funny stuff. 😊


get some!!!


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

I think we are lucky that she doesn’t have photos of her funny stuff.


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## wdcutrsdaughter (Dec 9, 2012)

stars at night said:


> get some!!!


To be honest there is a polaroid out there of a flash I was talked into back in 2006. Hopefully it isn't going to show up here. ha.


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Posted 9/10/21 5:24 P.M. CDST

The other day a friend's 9 year old daughter asked us why her reflection in a mirror was "backwards".

After her father and I explained how the light was reflected and he wrote an all caps five word nonsense sentence of palindromes to show her how he could fool a mirror.

His daughter then whammied us by asking why if a mirror made right left and left right, why didn't it also turn things upside down too 🤣


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## homesteadforty (Dec 4, 2007)

Here's a true little story someone might find amusing.

First I have to give you the set-up. This is all important for the visual. I live deep in the mountains of West Virginia and my place is surrounded by steep mountains with miles of mostly uninhabited forest. I'm a rather large man at 6'6" tall and 250 pounds. and have a very full, very long grayish white beard and hair. 

One of my favorite pass times is to go trekking back in the mountains, dressing like and carrying only the gear that the eastern longhunters would have had... including a muzzleloading Pennsylvania rifle. I stay out anywhere from one night to more than two weeks at a time.

So, now to the story... last month around the third week I decide to go into the mountains for several nights. I decided to take a canvas tarp for a lean-to along with my other accruments and as nights in these mountains are starting to get a little chilly, i donned my red, one piece longjohns under my usual outfit.

I had hiked several miles into the woods and as the sun dips below the ridges rather early, I decide to make camp. I found a little level shelf to set up my lean-to, built a fire, had some jerky, dried apples, hard tack and tea for supper. Me and my dog, a protection trained German Shepherd, sat around the fire for a while and then stripping down to those red longjohns, I decided to turn in.

Sometime around midnight, Dog (that's his name) woke me with a low grumble... he's trained not to bark for alerts. I opened my eyes and looked up and there was a spotlight shining back and forth across the canvas of my shelter. I lay watching that spotlight seemingly get closer and closer. There shouldn't be anyone around and certainly no one should be shining a light on a mans camp without calling out.

I decided I needed to get out of that light before deciding my next step. I gently pulled back my wool blanket, so as to not alert the intruder/s that I was awake, grabbed my gun, rose to a low crouch and bound three long steps out the front of the lean-to. I took a rolling dive over a large downed log, turning, rolling and raising my rifle over the top of the log in one swift motion (remember... I'm only wearing those red, one piece longjohns). In an instand I had looked up and saw one of the prettiest things I ever saw in these here mountains... a big, bright full moon cresting the ridge and a perfect beam of moonlight shining through a hole in the leaf cover, right smack dab onto the back of my canvas.

Feeling slightly foolish, I eased up and kinda slinked back to my bed. Even worse, as I went to get back under the blanket, there was Dog, laying flat on his belly with his front paws crossed over his face... I swear to heaven as I looked at him I saw the corners of his mouth curl up into a smile. I never did figure out what he was grumbling about.


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## Hiro (Feb 14, 2016)




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## nchobbyfarm (Apr 10, 2011)

Why women live longer than men!


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## Redlands Okie (Nov 28, 2017)

Not if she keeps standing there…….


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## nchobbyfarm (Apr 10, 2011)




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## Wyobuckaroo (Dec 30, 2011)

This is part of a note I sent to a couple friends... 
a bit of how life is here in the far north..
=== ===
Yesterday (Sunday) we were out by the airport on the far side of the river valley to pick apples.. The airport has 8' security style chain link fence and cattle guards all the way around.. Also cameras in problem spots.. This because bears can climb the fence in a hot second..

So client was telling Sweetie that she took groceries into the house from there little car.. Returning to get the last grocery sack and pizza from the back.. Only find a bear trying to tear the back of the car off to get the hot pizza.. This doing $300 damages...

What a set of bad timing and coincident there..

How was your day ??


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

this is the only funny thing i can find here today. my eye is bunged up so the pic might be blurry. my husband brought me in these from the woods one day and i glued them together, must be over 30 years ago. have had them on my washroom countertop all this time(different washrooms) probably time to get rid of it but everytime i go to throw it out i think of him ~Georgia


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## no really (Aug 7, 2013)




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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

In a meeting about a disabled clients program plan she had a list of jobs she could do with the help of her aid. Light house keeping was on the list

Her aid said I dont think the client can climb all those steps


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

i dont know how many times i read that over forcast before i got it. likely out in the sun too much today


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## wdcutrsdaughter (Dec 9, 2012)




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## Wyobuckaroo (Dec 30, 2011)

Three surgeons were talking at lunch...
First one says ....... Accountants are my favorite patient... Everything is numbered and in order..
Second one says.... Librarians are my favorite... Everything is alphabetized...

Last one says.... Politicians are my favorite.. They are gutless, spineless, and there head and butt are interchangeable


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## stars at night (Mar 12, 2021)

Wyobuckaroo said:


> Three surgeons were talking at lunch...
> First one says ....... Accountants are my favorite patient... Everything is numbered and in order..
> Second one says.... Librarians are my favorite... Everything is alphabetized...
> 
> Last one says.... Politicians are my favorite.. They are gutless, spineless, and there head and butt are interchangeable


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Riddle time. 
during a tour, the park ranger explains that dinosaur fossils have been found in the area. A woman comments that she’s surprised that dinosaurs would venture that close to the highway!
using this information can you figure out the color of the woman’s hair?


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 100590


Yes! That's the face! Exactly! Vice versa too, *HAY* ride my rear end!

Sorry, just one of my pet peeves.


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

Last Fall I saw small bales of oat straw for sale outside the grocery store for decorative purposes. I called a young man I know and told him he had a gold mine. $10 a bale. for straw!


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## 67drake (May 6, 2020)

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 100588


I drove from Wisconsin to Florida a few weeks back. When I was getting ready to leave I texted this to my son, and told him I got my directions loaded in my old school GPS.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

And yet the younger siblings kept falling for it time after time.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)




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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

COVID LUNACY On Full Display At Drive-Thru


COVID LUNACY On Full Display At Drive-Thru #Shorts #MichaelKnowles #Woke #DailyWire




youtube.com


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## TripleD (Feb 12, 2011)

I wish I knew how. Chicken roosting in the tree at Bojangles. Maybe @HDRider can do it???


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## nchobbyfarm (Apr 10, 2011)

@TripleD


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## nchobbyfarm (Apr 10, 2011)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*A wife texts her husband*
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

My 3 year old daughter asked: Where does poo come from?

I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: You just had breakfast?

Yes , she replied.

Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.

She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: And Tigger?


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*When I was a child, they told me that The Children Are Our Future*

Then I grew up, and now they're saying it's actually these new children.

I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Regarding the war on terror*

Fighting it in the Middle East seems a little crazy. I would've started with our nation's haunted houses.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

What do you call a chicken that haunts your house? A poultrygeist. 

Who are the werewolf’s cousins? The what-wolf and then when-wolf. 

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo. 

What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging? You never know which witch is which!


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Redlands Okie (Nov 28, 2017)

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 101362
> 
> 
> @TripleD


Take it home with you ?


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## nchobbyfarm (Apr 10, 2011)

Redlands Okie said:


> Take it home with you ?


You will have to ask @TripleD 

He wasn't sure how to post the picture so I assisted. He was the photographer.


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## TripleD (Feb 12, 2011)

Redlands Okie said:


> Take it home with you ?


Nobody believed me about it being at Bojangles until that picture. I might do a rescue mission and carry to my brothers flock...


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## nchobbyfarm (Apr 10, 2011)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Maybe he met up with a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world' on the midnight train goin' anywhere.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

When she's ten feet tall.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## SustainableAg (Mar 16, 2017)

Talking about my Grandparents in another thread this morning reminded me of this story:

Before I was a twinkle in my parents eyes, my Dad's parents were having a house party. Someone accidentally knocked over a lit candle onto the carpet. Grandpa grabbed the fire extinguisher, thinking it was the foam-kind. Much to my Grandma's horror, it was the powder-kind. My Grandpa and anyone within striking distance, were covered in powder. My Grandma never let him live that down. To this day, when my parents retell that story, they have a hearty laugh at Grandma's expense. I sure would have liked to see the look on my Grandmother's face! 

By all accounts, my Grandpa was always mischievous. This incident was truly not his fault, but it did get added to his rap sheet!

I know my Dad has a picture of that fiasco somewhere. If he can dredge it up, I will post the picture for all to enjoy.


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## Vjk (Apr 28, 2020)

I tried to become The Most Interesting Man in the World, but I only made it to eccentric.


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## Vjk (Apr 28, 2020)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a schizophrenic,
and so am I.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

SustainableAg said:


> Talking about my Grandparents in another thread this morning reminded me of this story:
> 
> Before I was a twinkle in my parents eyes, my Dad's parents were having a house party. Someone accidentally knocked over a lit candle onto the carpet. Grandpa grabbed the fire extinguisher, thinking it was the foam-kind. Much to my Grandma's horror, it was the powder-kind. My Grandpa and anyone within striking distance, were covered in powder. My Grandma never let him live that down. To this day, when my parents retell that story, they have a hearty laugh at Grandma's expense. I sure would have liked to see the look on my Grandmother's face!
> 
> ...


About 15 years ago when my two eldest grandchildren were both around 7 or eight, they were over at my apartment one day. I believe that it was Emily who came back in the back bedroom where I was on the computer and told me, (I forget how) that I needed to come to the Livingroom.

Upon entering I looked to my left and there was one of those round metal sugar cookie tins on the floor with flames coming out the top of it. I immediately went in that direction and there was a cereal bowl on the couch which I grabbed on the way by and dropped it on the fire effectively smothering it, (it was more an instinctive reaction than a planned one.)

The next move was I thought that the tin would burn the carpet and made a grab for it also without thinking. I didn't burn my fingers, however they got a pretty good singing. When it cooled and I picked it up there was a perfect little ring of burned carpet.

Upon asking the two imps what had happened they confessed that they had been throwing lit wooden matches into a gob of candle wax until it eventually broke into flame.

I was sweating bullets thinking that I would have to pay for recarpeting the whole Livingroom. I took Tristan and we went over to confess to Megan the manager. He was very reluctant to go. When we got to her office she was very understanding and not at all angry. At this point Tristan loosened up and gave her all the details.

The maintenance man was able to repair the carpet so I thankfully dodged a big repair bill. I saved the chunk of damaged carpet and playfully threatened the kids that if they screwed up in the future, I would remind them of their past misdeeds. I'm pretty sure that even then they knew that Paw Paw was all bluff.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*How do you confuse a moron?*

Put him in a room full of shovels and tell him to take his pick


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Hal is telling the guys at the plant about the morons he saw this weekend.*

"You wouldn't believe it," Hal said. "Four guys up at 5:30 on Saturday morning just swing at this little white ball try to get it in the hole."

"What kind of star-spangled moron gets up that early on a perfectly good Saturday morning just to play golf?"

One of the guys asks, "What were you doing up that early on a Saturday morning, Hal?"

"Going fishing."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. “You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”*

“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”
The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you know who I am?”
She shakes her head no. “Good,” says the boy as he walks away.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.*

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to laugh.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here sober for the food."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a **Ph.D.**, but you still act like a moron.”*

It was a third degree burn.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*So I'm at the wailing wall...*

Standing there like a moron, with my harpoon


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.*

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.


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## nchobbyfarm (Apr 10, 2011)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## nchobbyfarm (Apr 10, 2011)

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Upside Down Cake recipe so here goes. 
Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 
1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*This is supposedly a TRUE news story. I have my doubts, but you decide....*

A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Lawyers and Alligators*

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*People Drowning*

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

_A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes._


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

_A: Chelsea Clinton_


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Mark Twain notes...*

"It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Love at Last!*

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

"Of course we do."

"How about support hose for circulation?"

"Definitely."

"What about medicine for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"

"All kinds."

"How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"

"Yes, sir."

"Hearing aide, denture supplies, sleeping pills, Geritol and Ensure?" "Absolutely"

"You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"

"All kinds and sizes.

Why all the questions?"

George smiles and replies to the pharmacist, "we'd like to use your store for our Bridal Registry."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*A doctor is checking out an elderly patient.*

The doctor says to the old man, "Sir, are you aware you have a suppository in your ear?"

The old man immediately pulls out his cell phone, calls his wife, and says, "Martha, you can stop looking for my hearing aid, I think I know where I put it!"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.*

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Nimrod (Jun 8, 2010)

To drive a moron crazy, put him in a round room and tell him there is a quarter in the corner.


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## Nimrod (Jun 8, 2010)

A Boy Scout, a priest, and a lawyer were all flying together. The pilot comes back to the passenger compartment and states that the plane is about to run out of gas. He says there are only 3 parachutes on board and puts one on and jumps out the door. The lawyer proclaims that his life is worth more than the other two because he is the most intelligent, grabs another chute and jumps out. The priest tells the scout to take the last parachute because the scout has his whole life ahead of him. The scout says that's not necessary because the most intelligent person grabbed his backpack and jumped out the door. .


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions.........*

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

10. If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.*

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*A teacher worked for an affluential school*

She asks her little students to bring something from their family for a show and tell. The next day, she calls little Mary to show what she had brought.

"I've brought a scalpel, teacher. It's my mom's, she is a heart surgeon"

"Oh, how marvelous! And you, Luke, what do you have there?"

"I've brought a syringe, teacher. It's my dad's, he's a plastic surgeon!"

"Wow! And now, how about you, Penny?"

"I've brought my brother's stethoscope, he is a pediatrician"

"How incredible! And you, little Johnny, what is that?"

"It's an oxygen cylinder, it's my grandma's"

"Your grandmother? Is she a doctor too? Tell us more about her, what did she say to you when you asked for it?"

"She said 'give it back, give... it... back, giv-..."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Why do smart people like to use big words?*

It makes them sound more photosynthesis.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...*

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*"Look at this!" I said to my roommate*

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*That new program on Netflix about subliminal persuasion and mind control is a load of boring crap.*

Turned it off after just five seasons.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*The government offered to buy back all my guns*

I turned them down

I don't feel right selling firearms to organized crime.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops.*

I told her she's deluginal.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.*

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you.”

Paul, her husband, replied “Priscilla?"

“I’m kidding. I was just making sure that you read my message.”

Paul took a moment, then replied "But I'm with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?"

Mary couldn't believe it. She had had suspicions for a while. "Where are you?"

"Near the vegetable market.”

"Wait I'm coming there right now!" forgetting about smudging her manicured finger nails, and her friends coming over, Mary snatched the car keys and within minutes she was at the market.

"Where are you?" she texted her husband.

"I'm at the office. Where are you?"

“I'm at the market" she replied.

“Great" he texted "Don't forget your veggies..."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.*

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. 

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...Naturally, (since he was her husband.) Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?" "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they were walking past the hospital pool, Ralph jumps into the deep end and sinks to the bottom and just stayed there..*

..Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of this heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged as now she was considered to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news in person. “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of a person you love....I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind”. “The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead”. Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*The Hamster and the Frog*

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"

The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I don't have any money on me. But I'll tell you what. I can show you a miracle. If I do, can I have one on the house?" The bartender sighs and nods, and sees the man take a hamster out of the pocket of his overcoat. Before the bartender can tell the man that animals aren't allowed, the man leans down to the hamster and says, "Play."

The hamster darts out of the man's hand, runs up to the grand piano in the bar's corner, and runs across the keys, playing Gershwin songs as he does so. It's incredible. Concert pianists don't play this well! At the end of the hamster's set, everyone applauds, and the bartender pours the man who came in a glass of their best Scotch.

The man savors the Scotch, and says, "That was incredible! If I show you another miracle, can I have another drink?" The bartender nods excitedly, and sees the man pull out a frog from his coat this time. He leans in and says, "Sing." The frog opens his mouth and begins singing a deep and rich love song. Everyone stops talking in the bar to listen to this frog. They have tears in their eyes, thinking about the ones they love, the loves that they let slip away. Not a dry eye in the bar. When the frog stops singing, the whole bar bursts into applause, and the weeping bartender gives the man the whole bottle of fine Scotch.

One of the businessmen comes up to the man and says, "Hey buddy, you look hard up. I'll give you five thousand dollars for the frog, what do you say?" The man thinks it over, says yes, and accepts five thousand dollars that the businessman offers. The businessman takes the frog and runs out. The bartender, shocked, looks at the man and shouts, "Are you nuts? That frog was beautiful! And it was a FROG! How could you let something worth a fortune go away like that?"

The guy takes a swig from the bottle and says, "What are you talking about? My hamster is also a ventriloquist."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*I was **standing** next to this guy in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.*

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway what a smug SOB!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Center now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2022 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*A woman treated her dry hair*

...with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave a smell, she washed her hair with shampoo several times. 

That night, in bed, she asked her husband, "Do I smell like Olive Oil?" He sniffed a little and replied "Why? Do I smell like Popeye?"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Muhammad Ali & Joe Frazier go to a Dry Cleaner.*

Owner says, "Can I help you?"

They say, "How much to wash an old pair of boxers?"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Marriage advice for dummies: Five worst things you can do

5 Abandon

4 Lie

3 Cheat

2 Abuse

1 Forget to put the toilet seat down.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of $1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a $20 bill.*

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She asked

I said "$18.97"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Beer Belly*

Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"

My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*I got pulled over for speeding today and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?"*

He chuckled, "Just hold on to it and when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*I went on a date with an English teacher.*

"How do you make out?" I asked her cheekily.

She said, "With two vowels and one consonant."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*A young man in a pharmacy and asks "May I have 3 condoms please, Miss?"*

Don't 'Miss' me, young man. The bitter older woman scornfully responds.

Oh sorry, he replied Make that 4 then, please.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me. 

When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.


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## Vjk (Apr 28, 2020)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

I have as much authority as the Pope. 

There just aren’t as many people who believe it.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## 67drake (May 6, 2020)

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 102960


I’m guilty of that


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*I cheated on my wife with a girl I met at an AA meeting.*

It was a sober affair.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*So a man went up to a rather contemplative looking pimp...*

... and asked "A penny for your thots?"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter.*

St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding."

So, he chooses to check out hell first. He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and doing the limbo (and nobody's doing the Macarena!). Everyone is laughing and having a great time.

Next St. Peter takes him up to heaven to look around. Everything is white and pristine. People are speaking softly about philosophy and mathematical formulas. Others are simply contemplative and serene. He's bored in about five minutes.

St. Peter then says to the apartment manager, "I want you to sleep on it and meet me back here in the morning to let me know your decision."

The next morning he comes back and says to St. Peter, "Heaven is very nice and all, but hell looks great, so I've decided that I want to go to hell".

So St. Peter puts him on the escalator down to hell. When he gets there he sees Satan whipping people and there's fire everywhere and everyone is screaming in pain.

He goes over to Satan and says "Hey, what gives here? Yesterday I came here to check the place out and everyone had me partying and it looked like a great time. What happened?"

Satan looks at him and says "You used to be a property manager so you ought to know the answer to your own question. Yesterday you were a prospect. Today you're just another resident!"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Little Timmy always procrastinated his schoolwork*

A few weeks ago, his teacher assigned the class to write a 10,000 word paper on a great philosopher, but with just 12 hours until the paper was due, Little Timmy had not written a single word. Realizing his predicament, Little Timmy hastily took a pencil out of his drawer and sat down in front of blank paper to begin.

Although he knew nothing about philosophy, he knew that if he wanted to finish in time, he'd have to start writing and hope that something would come to him as he did. Just as he was about to put pencil to paper... the great philosopher, Plato appeared in Little Timmy's bedroom!

Amazed, Little Timmy listened as stoic Plato started to speak. As philosophers do, Plato spoke at length about his views on the world and Little Timmy did his best to understand. At last, Plato said, "Little Timmy, if you remember anything I've said, remember that for a man to conquer himself is the first and noblest of all victories!"

Head swimming, Little Timmy noticed that time had flown by and there were only 10 hours left to write his paper.

Confident he could still finish in time; he grabbed his pencil to write down what Plato had said to him about man conquering himself. Just as he was about to put pencil to paper... the great philosopher, Descartes appeared in Little Timmy's bedroom!

Startled, Little Timmy listened as the contemplative Descartes started to speak. As philosophers do, Descartes spoke at length about his views on the world and once again, Little Timmy did his best to understand. At last, Descartes said, "Little Timmy, if you remember anything I've said, remember this: I think, therefore I am!"

Still overwhelmed, Little Timmy noticed that more time had flown by and there were only 8 hours left to write his paper.

Confident he could still finish in time; he grabbed his pencil to write down what Descartes had said to him about existence. Just as he was about to put pencil to paper... the great philosopher, Frederick Nietzsche appeared in Little Timmy's bedroom!

Unbelieving, Little Timmy listened as disparate Nietzsche started to speak. As philosophers do, Nietzsche spoke at length about his views on the world and Little Timmy did his best to understand. At last, Nietzsche said, "Little Timmy, if you remember anything I've said, remember there is no point to anything."

Deep in introspection, Little Timmy noticed that time had flown by and there were only 4 hours left to write his paper. Little Timmy began to sweat, he had never finished a paper in such little time, but Nietzsche had stuck a chord with him and he had finally decided that the hopeless philosopher would be the subject of the paper.

Inspired and confident he could finish just in time; Little Timmy grabbed his pencil for the last time to write down what Nietzsche had said to him about there being no point to anything. However, just as he was about to put pencil to paper that final time...


... Little Timmy looked at his pencil and realized there was no point.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.*

The first says, “I’ll grant you are the closest I have ever

seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!”

The second horse says, “I’ll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with. I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!”

The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, “You’re right. I stand corrected.”


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*You know why you can't teach a stallion philosophy?*

Because you can't put Descartes before the horse.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*A man spends a fortune on a horse that is supposed to be an amazing stallion*

A man spends a fortune on a horse that is supposed to be an amazing stallion. He is told the horse will impregnate 20-30 fermale horses.

He brings the horse to his farm, but the horse is not doing anything, just sleeping and eating grass all day.

Some time after he meets with an old friend, and explains the story. The friend replies:

- The same happened to me, I bought a horse that was supposed to be an amazing stallion, but he won't do anything, so I bought him a syrup drug that he is drinking every day, and from that day on he is impregnating 20-30 females a day.

So the lazy horse owner asks:

- Do you remember the name of the syrup?

To which his friend answer:

- I don't remember, but it has a kind of minty taste.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*A prince in a distant and very rich kingdom decided it was time to get married.*

After announcing his intentions, three beautiful noble women showed up as candidates.

Not knowing which one he should marry; the prince had the idea of proposing a contest. He gave 1000 golden coins to each woman and told them: "You have 5 days to spend all of this coins, then come back to me and I'll decide who I'll be marrying."

After 5 days, the women came back. The first one said:

"My prince, I spent all of my coins in beautiful dresses and jewelry, so I could be the most beautiful bride, for you, of course."

The second woman said:

"My prince, I bought you a magnificent stallion and the most splendorous armor I could buy with that gold, all of that for you."

The third one said:

"My prince, I invested all the gold in market goods, sold them to a neighbor kingdom and doubled the gold you gave me. And here it is, all for you."

Then the prince went to his room to evaluate all of their actions.

After thinking for a while, he came out with his decision: he chose the one with the biggest boobs.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

*Two women sit on a porch in plantation times:*

One is the daughter of a rich plantation owner and the other is the daughter of an average middle-class southerner. The rich daughter loves to brag so naturally she looks over at the middle-class daughter and says "My daddy just got me this pretty dress, see all these intricate frills?" the middle-class daughter looks at the dress and says, "Well that's nice." in a cordial tone.

The rich daughter begins to get annoyed that she isn't impressed like most other girls in the town so she continues. "The other day my daddy also got me a $500 stallion mare straight in from Texas!" The middle-class daughter, still unphased looks at her with a warm smile and says "Well that's nice." The rich daughter is furious by this point, and she decides one more time to try to impress her.

"Well, my daddy also got me a whole set of gold and ruby jewelry just to see me happy!" Again, the middle-class daughter just says "Well that's nice."

Not being able to stand it anymore and guessing the middle-class daughter must have something better, she asks "Well what did your daddy get you?!"

With a warm and inviting smile the middle-class daughter looks directly into the rich girl's eyes and says "my daddy sent me to charm school" "Oh really? What's so great about that?" says the rich girl. The middle-class girl not wavering in her civility says "In charm school they teach you to say "Well that's nice" instead of "screw you!"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” 

“Why?” 

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" 

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything, and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

I walked passed a burned out building with a broken sign saying "Fireworks". How right they were.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

You might be a red neck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

In order to help jump-start the U.S. economy, the INS has announced that this year they will stop focusing on illegal aliens and begin the deportation of retired people. 

It's predicted that this will not only help lower health care entitlement costs, but it turns out that retirees are much easier to catch. 

Plus, they rarely can remember how to get back home.


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## NRA_guy (Jun 9, 2015)

Tom Horn said:


> In order to help jump-start the U.S. economy, the INS has announced that this year they will stop focusing on illegal aliens and begin the deportation of retired people.
> 
> It's predicted that this will not only help lower health care entitlement costs, but it turns out that retirees are much easier to catch.
> 
> Plus, they rarely can remember how to get back home.


Where to? I might volunteer to go on the first train . . .


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Myra was the church gossip. Though many disliked this, they feared her enough to keep silent.

But she made a mistake when she accused Bob of being a drunk after she saw his truck parked in front of the town's bar, saying, "Anyone seeing it knows what you were doing."

Bob stared at her for a moment and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. he said nothing.

But that evening, Bob parked his pickup in front of Myra's house and left it there all night.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Son and mom were looking for a lost contact lens in driveway. The Mom soon found it.

Son: "Wow! How did you find it?"

Mom: "You were looking for a piece of plastic, but I was looking for $150."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Twenty the hard way. Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word, and his buddies at the club are aghast.

They corner him and ask, "Bill, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's, my wife!"

They're stunned but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

Bill says, 'I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

OIL SHORTAGE 101

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in

Alaska

California

Oklahoma

and
TEXAS

~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington DC


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked donut eater.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!

So I called him another bad name.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her new phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi Hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell.

There's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

A blonde went on a TV quiz show.

The question was, "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest, Robin, Sparrow, Cuckoo, or Thrush?"

The blonde said Cuckoo and won a million dollars.

They asked her how she knew the answer.

"It was simple," she said. "Everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

Then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

A blonde and her husband were lying in bed at 3:00 AM listening to the next-door neighbor's dog. The dog had been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

Finally, the blonde jumped up out of bed and said "I've had enough of this," and she went downstairs.

When the blonde finally came back up to bed, her husband asked, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

The blonde said, "I put their dog in our backyard. Now, let's see how THEY like it!"


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

One day three men were hiking and came upon a raging, river. They needed to get to the other side but had no way of crossing.

The first man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.” And poof! God turned him into a woman, she checked the map, walked a quarter mile upstream and walked across the bridge.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Ole, a nice Norwegian fella from Duluth wants a job. He decides to read his Bible to seek God for guidance. He opens his Bible, and his eyes fall upon Proverbs 4:7 that says, “Wisdom _is_ the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom." 

Ole falls on his knees and prays, Dear God, ya know dat I need a job. Now yer Holy Verd is tellen me to get visdom, so please God, give me some visdom. Dank yu, Amen.

Ole goes down to the nearest factory to apply for a job. The foreman considers hiring him but decides to make up a little math quiz to see how quick Ole can problem solve. So he says to Ole. _Pass this math quiz and I’ll hire you! _

Ole prays silently _Here ve go Lord, visdom please! _

The foreman says here is your first question. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.

‘Without numbers?’ The Norwegian says, ‘Dat’s easy.’ and proceeds to draw three trees.

What’s this?’ the boss asks.

Vot us dat, dear sir? Dat is a tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says the Norwegian.

‘Fair enough,’ says the boss. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time represent the number 99.’

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Dar ya go!’

The boss scratches his head and says, ‘How on earth do you get that to represent 99?’

Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree.
Dat is 99.’

The boss is impressed with the quick wit and wisdom of this Norwegian man and so he says, ‘All right, last question. Same rules again but represent the number 100.’

Ole stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, ‘Dar ya go! Von hundred!’

The boss looks at the picture and says, Ole, I’m not seeing it. How does that represent a hundred?’

Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, and dat makes von hundred!! Tank yu Lord! So, ven do I start boss?


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Ain't it the truth! Ain't it the truth!


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Phil Hartman was an excellent comedian.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Digitalis (Aug 20, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

Digitalis said:


> View attachment 105335


A modern day, Grapes of Wrath Okie.


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## NRA_guy (Jun 9, 2015)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 105338



Because English is difficult, however, it can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.


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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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## Tom Horn (Feb 10, 2021)




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