# Rude grandchildren...what to do?



## Wildwood Flower (Aug 26, 2006)

I have frequent get-togethers at my house and they are especially for my grandchildren, to help give them a sense of family, etc. There are nine of them, ranging in ages from 10 to 25.

Generally it is well received and appreciated by all, we usually have a great time. 

However, I have one granddaughter who is in her early twenties, not married yet (engaged), but has a little girl. I always invite her. Sometimes she shows up, sometimes she doesn't. But she is generally late, so we have to start eating without her and when she comes in it's awkward. 

I don't think I've ever heard her say "thank you", she turns up her nose at food she may not like (and that I have gone to a great deal of trouble to prepare). 

Yesterday I had a few little gifts wrapped for her little girl, who I adore. She left one of them here--she didn't like it. I felt so stupid! 

This has been bothering me all day. I know it's because this girl just wasn't raised right. She's actually a step-granddaughter, but still. I love her dearly, but don't know if I should have a little talk with her or not. She doesn't have a mother---another long story. This is why I try to include her, but I really don't like being treated rudely. I'm only human. Know what I mean?

Any ideas?


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## cjb (May 2, 2006)

I would have a talk with her in as loving a manner as possible. I can tell by the way you write above that you have a "gentle touch" and would handle it well. Couching such discussions between positives such as telling her how special she is to you, how much you love it when she and her dd visit etc. might help.

Remember that her response doesn't indicate whether you did the right thing or not. If you feel at peace about talking to her, do your best and feel good about it even if she doesn't take it well.

Good luck! I hate family confrontations but they are often needed.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

I don't blame you for being upset. That would hurt my feelings, too. You sound like a wonderful grandmother. It is heartwarming that you love her as your own grandchild even though she is a "step". I agree with you that it is not her fault. She is just a child. I would keep inviting her over because a positive role model for appropriate manners seems to be needed.


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## Oggie (May 29, 2003)

You might be surprised how some folks can make life-changing decisions and develop a new awareness of how their actions might affect other people once they've had some time to themselves in quiet reflection while hanging from a doorknob by the back waist elastic of their underwear.


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## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

If she is in her 20's, with a child of her own, she is definitely not a child, but a grown young woman with responsibilites. Among them should be respect for the rest of the family, especially when being invited to a family gathering. If she was never taught this kind of respect, you may or may not be able to teach her now that she is an adult, but it is certainly worth a try. Perhaps she has always behaved in such a manner and no one ever brought it to her attention, or if they did she never understood how important respect is? Some people think that if something isn't important to *them*, it's not important *period*, and they fail to take other people's feelings into account. 

If you feel you should have a talk with her, you should. Maybe she just doesn't understand or appreciate how her actions affect you.


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## Ravenlost (Jul 20, 2004)

JuliaAnn said:


> If you feel you should have a talk with her, you should. Maybe she just doesn't understand or appreciate how her actions affect you.


I agree. :goodjob:


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

Doesn't sound like she was raised to know any better. I agree - a gentle talk is in order here.


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## MorrisonCorner (Jul 27, 2004)

When you're talking to her I think you need to offer her a suggestion for how to deal with gifts we "don't like." How many times have we had discussions, right here, about regifting an unwanted gift? Or whether or not it is appropriate to return something if we know where it came from and exchange it for something we want?

Many, many times.

Here's the thing... times change. People don't have big rambling Victorians with corners to tuck things in. My neighbors have two kids in a cottage which is probably about 1200 square feet. Every single thing in that house has to be wanted, needed, or useful. Anything not, for example children's birthday gifts, are brought home, set down for a short period... and then gone through and moved along. 

Sort of like the US Postal : if it doesn't fit? It ships!

So the discussion I'd have is about the feelings of the gifter.. even if they guessed wrong we thank them for thinking of you... and then how do we handle gifts that aren't something we can use (or want)?

For example.. would it have been appropriate to say "oh.. I already have something like this, would Susie like to have this?" Or "I don't think I can use this... wouldn't it be nice to pass it on to someone who can?"

It seems to me you've got an opportunity here to address so many issues: the etiquette of accepting gifts, other people's feelings, yes.. but also the issue of "enough," the child obviously knows what she likes and doesn't.. that's great and should be reinforced.. now the question is, what do we do with the excess we don't want? Perhaps donate it to a charity so you can also reinforce charitable giving?


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Wildwood Flower said:


> I have frequent get-togethers at my house and they are especially for my grandchildren, to help give them a sense of family, etc. There are nine of them, ranging in ages from 10 to 25.
> 
> Generally it is well received and appreciated by all, we usually have a great time.


What are your personal expectations for these get togethers? Is it just to have people around people....or is there more? This will help me to better understand, and maybe give a better answer! 



> However, I have one granddaughter who is in her early twenties, not married yet (engaged), but has a little girl. I always invite her. Sometimes she shows up, sometimes she doesn't. But she is generally late, so we have to start eating without her and when she comes in it's awkward.
> 
> I don't think I've ever heard her say "thank you", she turns up her nose at food she may not like (and that I have gone to a great deal of trouble to prepare).


Don't cater to her. Cook and serve on your time, not hers. When / if she shows, she knows where the kitchen and the plates are, she can help herself. Don't worry about it.....



> Yesterday I had a few little gifts wrapped for her little girl, who I adore. She left one of them here--she didn't like it. I felt so stupid!


Maybe she is rude.
Maybe she is uncomfortable, and doesn't know what to do?
Maybe she left it so you can take it back and not waste your money on something that will not get used?
Maybe she only shows up because she 'feels obligated' to do so?
Maybe she forgot it?




> This has been bothering me all day. I know it's because this girl just wasn't raised right. She's actually a step-granddaughter, but still. I love her dearly, but don't know if I should have a little talk with her or not. She doesn't have a mother---another long story. This is why I try to include her, but I really don't like being treated rudely. I'm only human. Know what I mean?
> 
> Any ideas?


Lower your expectations. 
Love her, period.
If she has no mother, then she has had no nurturing and teaching.
Be patient, and kind with her. Maybe your patience, kindness, and _unconditional love_ will help her to raise her daughter better than she was raised. You have a unique opportunity to help teach and mentor the mommy so she can raise her daughter the right way....not like she was raised!!


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## Rose (Dec 30, 2010)

I understand your frustration for other things, but why get annoyed when someone doesn't like something? I wouldn't force myself to eat food I didn't like just because someone I know made it~


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## homesteadingman (Mar 17, 2011)

You sound like the ultimate sweet grandmotherly type who any one would be glad to have. In my opinion, yes, you should talk to her about the situation and if she gets offended that is for her to deal with and worry about. It is your house and your expectations. I agree with everything everyone has said here, there is much support and family confrontations are the hardest, but are nessessary. I am a step dad to two teens and a pre-teen. When I first came to live with them and married their mom we had a hard ride ( especially with the oldest who was nine at the time, the others were four and five.) I and their mother laid down our expectations and stuckby them till this day and ALL of them have come around. 
I know this is not the same exact situation, but you do these thing out of care and love. I would keep inviting her even after the talk and keep nthings as you have been doing. The only thing I would not do that has been posted here is lower your expectation of her. I think thats not helping someone to come up but is saying ok to be where you are.
Even though she is in her early twenties she needs to know when she has offended or hurt someone, it is never to late to grow and it sounds like that what she needs.
P.S. I was 24 y/o when I came to know the Lord, Isay this because after all the time I had been doing for me and what I wanted and the way I had been acting my father still loved and cared for me enough to help me see my bad habits and need to turn around.
God Bless you and may He be with you.


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

Start a box or basket of toys and let any kid that comes over know where it is located. Put the gift she left behind in it. When anyone whines about being bored or looks like they may be getting into stuff you'd rather they did not get into, steer them to the activity basket instead. Art and craft supplies would be helpful in there, too, to keep kids occupied. Also from the dollar store you can add puzzle books, cards, jigsaw puzzles, small toys,crayons, colored pencils, scissors, etc. Even teens like having something to do with their hands when adult conversation bores them, so maybe a zip lock bag with crochet hook, yarn, and instructions? My granny had a jar of buttons that just fascinated my cousins and I. We would divy them up and trade them like marbles, make artistic creations, etc. then pour them back in the jar for the next time.


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## flowergurl (Feb 27, 2007)

I only WISH my MIL would accept my children as her grandchildren. She doesn't think of my kids ( from my first marriage, her son and I have no kids together) as part of her family. Altho, they love and adore her son and call him Dad.
I commend you for reaching out to ALL your grandchildren.


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## Old John (May 27, 2004)

Graciousness is generally "learned", from Folks around us. Some Folks never learn it.
Kindness and graciousness are good lessons, to give.
ETA.......And they don't cost us a thing.


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## Use Less (Nov 8, 2007)

Could she have a lot of anger or anxiety over her circumstances?


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## marytx (Dec 4, 2002)

Sometimes the hardest part of parenting, imo, is after they reach young adulthood. Sometimes they still need a little steering, and it's hard to know just how to do it. I had a little chat with one of my young adult sons at Christmastime about the no thankyou thing. He thought I was picking on him and did not appreciate my words. But he said thank you the next time.

Your (step)daughter will likely not be appreciative, either, of being chastised, no matter how gently. Be prepared for that, and be thinking about how it might do her good, not that you will immediately see a benefit.


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## Saffron (May 24, 2006)

Ditto to Laura Zone 5.

Plus, speaking as a mom to a step, consider that maybe she is very uncomfortable there and is possibly unsure of her welcome - not with you perhaps but with others. Maybe something was said to her that you aren't aware of. If she isn't close to any of the family, it can be very uncomfortable for her.

I think a talk would be a good thing - but not as a "talking to" - instead maybe some one on one time with her and ask her how she feels with the fmily. Let her know how much you really enjoy including her. She may think that she is an afterthought.

When you say she turns up her nose - do you mean she doesn't eat it, or makes rude remarks? Maybe she has some allergies or sensitivites you are unaware of?

How do you know she left the gift behind because she didn't like it?

I'm trying to read between the lines somewhat - but I can't determine if these are perceptions that you have or if they are fact because the step said them to you.


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## Wildwood Flower (Aug 26, 2006)

Wow. Your responses are all so thoughtful, and very helpful. I guess my take has always been to hold these kids to a high standard, although I'm pretty loose about it. I'm always teaching, in my subtle way. As I said, I want them to learn what it means to be "family". 

I agree, that I don't want to lower my expectations of this girl, so I guess we're going to have to have a little "talk". I do know that she's never been around any other what I call "civilized" people. Her other side of the family all do each other this way--just show up "whenever" or not at all, never show much appreciation of one another. So when she comes over here, I know she feels a bit uncomfortable. She just doesn't know what's expected of her. 

I'll just have to wait and pick my time. I know she loves me. Really, she's doing a good job with her little girl and that's huge. Thanks again folks. I love HT!


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

Wildwood Flower said:


> Wow. Your responses are all so thoughtful, and very helpful. I guess my take has always been to hold these kids to a high standard, although I'm pretty loose about it. I'm always teaching, in my subtle way. As I said, I want them to learn what it means to be "family".
> 
> I agree, that I don't want to lower my expectations of this girl, so I guess we're going to have to have a little "talk". I do know that she's never been around any other what I call "civilized" people. Her other side of the family all do each other this way--just show up "whenever" or not at all, never show much appreciation of one another. So when she comes over here, I know she feels a bit uncomfortable. She just doesn't know what's expected of her.
> 
> I'll just have to wait and pick my time. I know she loves me. Really, she's doing a good job with her little girl and that's huge. Thanks again folks. I love HT!


 with kids that age..sometimes they cannot make it at a "set" time. i too have older children. the food is ready at a set time...there is always plenty and they eat when they come in. i have made things the kids wont try..or turn their nose at. i laugh and eat it myself. with 6 boys..somebody will eat it. i dont take it personally. if I did that..my husband and I wouldnt get along. there are plenty of things i make that he wont eat. he is very picky. i make my family buffet style. take what you want...leave the rest. whoever wants to take home leftovers..great. if not..terrific....i get to not make dinner for a couple days
sounds as if you have issues with her "other" side of the family? i am guessing she picks up on that..and it makes her uncomfortable. i know I would be. my husbands mother was never like that. she accepted my boys like a her own. 

i think you just need to relax....and not make issues out of something that really isnt a big deal. sometimes my grandchildren dont always take the toys i give them when they leave. Okay..so it here when they come again to visit. my kids have also done the same. my kids have done the same to my mother. she always had a houseful of toys the kids left behind. she didnt care. the kids were thrilled to go there and discover "new" toys. sometimes my mother insisted they leave it there.


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

You say you want them all to learn what it is to be family. Well.... people hve different definitions of that.

WWF, I've seen you here for awhile, and think you're about the gentlest, sweetest person.  But... being raised like that? It leaves scars. She may be wary of getting too close to you all. I felt so terribly uncomfortable around DH's family at first, still do sometimes. I am motherless, have been since I was a toddler. Once the women started gossiping about each other and everyone tey knew, I kind of wanted to run for the hills, lol. 

Too, my DH's family is all laid back about time, and people come and go at will. Seemed odd to me at first, but really not a big deal to them.

Now, I'll add too, I often don't eat at my inlaws, or eat very little. I have tried to eat and be polite but really, it makes me ill to eat most of the food they make. I don't eat much sugar, dairy, or refined flour daily, so to go there and that's all there is... it really makes DH and I feel ill for days after a weekend visit. I don't ever say anything, mind, and we cook a couple times each visit and I always help with cleanup/peeling potatoes or whatnot. Once I had DS and had to chase him around for fear someone would take it on themselves to "discipline" him, or do something with him I am completely uncomfortable with, that changed a bit, but I still try when DH is there to watch him.

Is it possible she just left the gift accidentally? It happens. *shrug*


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## SherrieC (Aug 24, 2002)

I would talk to her, and having been in her shoes, I bet she doesn't feel at ease, and on the food issue that's just rude. If you don't mother her, and tell her how to act, and that the turned up nose hurts your feelings, how will she know? It's Hard to learn how to act in social situations, or as the step in a family.


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## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

After reading the OP's second post... if I were in this situation I would have a loving, patient talk with young lady. Regardless of how she was raised or how her family behaves and treats eachother, as an adult, and someone who agrees to come to your home to share family events, it is incumbent upon her to learn what is and is not acceptable in your home. She is a young adult, not a teenager or child. After all, it is your home, not hers, and not her family's. This isn't asking too much of her or any adult. It is expecting someone to behave in a mature, respectful, and civil manner. Again, that isn't asking too much. 

I still don't understand what 'turning her nose up' at a particular food means. If she made a rude comment or ugly face, that would not be acceptable. Decent behavior does not include these things. When a food is prepared that I either cannot physically tolerate (foods with small seeds, corn, etc) I simply pass over them without making a big production of the fact that I don't like/can't eat it. If asked, I simply explain that I can't digest such foods and that they make me ill (spoken of course in a kind, respectful manner) and that suffices. But I would never dream of visibly or verbally 'turning my nose up' at any food offered me. That's rude and pedantic. But neither would I expect that food to never be offered at all simply because I couldn't eat them. Everyone else in the family can eat those things, and I wouldn't expect to have them removed from the menu in order to accomodate me. 

I think it's just fantastic that your family has nice gatherings, and that the young woman is fully welcome by them, and by you. I guess what I would think is that, if she accepts the invitation and shows up, it is incumbent upon her to behave in a manner that is accepted and expected in your home. Like I said twice before, this isn't asking too much. How many of us would never dream of going to someone else's home and behaving rudely? I sure wouldn't. I'm a guest in their home, even if they are family.


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

My GF's son has been deployed , and his wife has moved in more or less with the GF, bringing the GS of course. Little wife lost her mother at a young age, and lived with her father, who is not the best example of proper living. GF is having problems with the actions of the little wife, and we have discussed that she just doesn't KNOW how to behave/do things in a manner consistent with the way GF wants things done in her house. Little wife is sweet, very smart, and almost totally clueless as to some things that are pretty common everyday things to others. 
I am sure glad I don't live in that house. I get frustrated enough just going there for dinner and an evening of TV. I tell GF that they have to communicate and she has to teach the girl about how she expects things, I make subtle suggestions where and when I can without being intrusive. I do find myself ready to come home earlier than in the past though. 

Best thing is to communicate, educate, and let her know why.
Ed


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## Wildwood Flower (Aug 26, 2006)

Interesting what some of your comments are. Let me say right up front that this is NOT a situation where the girl was busy. Before she came over, she was playing at the park with her little girl. She just doesn't care about arriiving on time. She and I have had many discussions about this before. 

She also does not answer her phone messages. I had to call her five times and then wrote a message on facebook. Several times in the past I have just skipped it, not persisting in inviting her. This time I really wanted to see her. 

And the gift was left deliberately. I saw her go over and look at it several times. I guess she was assessing whether she wanted it or not. So rude! Sorry, but there's just no other word for it. 

And you know, there are ways to politely decline anything. I guess it's just an "aire" of arrogant self-centeredness that comes across that just grates on my last nerve. 

I think I'm just going to let sleeping dogs lie for right now. I must say that all of the other grandchildren treat me like a queen. I am so blessed.


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## kirkmcquest (Oct 21, 2010)

Maybe she is late because she is having a difficult time with life in general. She's barely a kid herself and she has a child to raise...no husband, etc and who knows what else.

IDK, but I am usually the type to make excuses for people I guess. Life's not easy sometimes and some people struggle through the mistakes they've made and have a tougher time than others. I'd just let it go, and show her love, just think of her as being 'on the path to wisdom'.


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## Wildwood Flower (Aug 26, 2006)

kirkmcquest said:


> Maybe she is late because she is having a difficult time with life in general. She's barely a kid herself and she has a child to raise...no husband, etc and who knows what else.
> 
> IDK, but I am usually the type to make excuses for people I guess. Life's not easy sometimes and some people struggle through the mistakes they've made and have a tougher time than others. I'd just let it go, and show her love, just think of her as being 'on the path to wisdom'.


The girl is not struggling at all. She's in her mid-twenties, she's not a kid. Yes, you are making excuses for her. She is not having a tough time. She's a partier. Next week she's going for a week-long party and leaving the child with her dad and gf. 

I'm sorry but "showing love" is not being a doormat--to me. Believe me, I am good to this girl. Her problem is she's been spoiled materialistically. I think she comes around here for the other kind of love, even though she has to occasionally face the music. She knows that Grandma (me) will tell it like it is.


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## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

Maybe she comes to your house in order to feel some family connection, but somehow resents her own need for it? Does that make sense? Children sometimes do that--they really want and deep down need something, but they don't want to admit that they do. 

You're right, showing love does not mean you have to be a doormat. You are showing love and inclusiveness to her, but she doesn't always reciprocate. You're doing everything you can to make her feel completely part of your family. There may not be much more you can do except have a talk with her. Then the ball will be in her court. Hope it works out for you, and for her.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Wildwood Flower said:


> Interesting what some of your comments are. Let me say right up front that this is NOT a situation where the girl was busy. Before she came over, she was playing at the park with her little girl. * She just doesn't care about arriiving on time. She and I have had many discussions about this before. *
> *
> She also does not answer her phone messages. I had to call her five times and then wrote a message on facebook*. Several times in the past I have just skipped it, not persisting in inviting her. This time I really wanted to see her.
> 
> ...


She's not interested in what you are offering, and she's only there because she feels obligated to come.

She is uncomfortable. She can sense all that I have bolded above.
Call, leave a VM, and that's it. If she comes, fine, if she doesn't fine again. Maybe she doesn't really want to be there, and she's hoping that her 'rudeness' will disappoint you so much, that you will stop calling her to come over.......

My MIL had unreasonable expectations of me. She would go out of her way to 'put me' in positions that I could not succeed, then she would be 'mad / disappointed'.......it was a sick game. It took a looooooong time for dh to see her meanness, but finally we stopped playing her game.
We have not seen her since 1999.

EDITED TO SAY: Please, don't think I am trying to be snarky or rude....I really am not. I am trying to explain *what I see* from her side, based upon my own experience. I could be a mile off base, and I could be spot on.....but I am only trying to spell out what I see....I don't mean for it to come across snotty or snarky. Not at all!!


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## sheepish (Dec 9, 2006)

Wildwood Flower, there are 2 problems: her behaviour and your reaction to it. You can only do something about one of these things.

Practice transforming your attitude. You wanted to see her. She came. Become delighted about that. It is entirely within your power. You love her dearly, let the rest go. 

You are not responsible for teaching her manners. If your quiet, loving attitude transforms her, well and good. If not, do not continue to make yourself unhappy by dwelling on her flaws. You don't know everything about where they come from. She may need a loving, unjudgemental grandmother far more than any of your others.

I wish you and your grandchildren happiness.


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## jill.costello (Aug 18, 2004)

I might "take her temperature", so to speak..... Ask her to do something FOR YOU. You have put yourself in the position of "host" and family matriarch, which to most folks is delightful and very "family". Ask her to please come help you with something; you would _appreciate_ it SOOO much... Turn the tables, give her something to feel like she IS valuable to your life/you. This would be a different way of "teaching" her something she may never have realised. If she does something small and kind for you, she may start to feel a better connection with you. Just a thought.


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2008)

Have you tried to spend time with her just one-on-one without all the others, without trying to make it a big "family" thing?

My MIL is always doing this and it drives me nuts. She's very sweet and loving and wants us all to be one big happy family. I love her dearly, but I HATE constantly being expected to come over for every single holiday, because all the other kids and bratty grandkids are there and they make me and my children miserable. We are NOT one big, happy family and it gets old having it forced on someone over and over again. She seems to think if she works hard preparing a big meal, etc. that we will all just magically get along and enjoy ourselves, but it just doesn't work that way. I don't WANT to be around the others and I wish she'd stop taking it personally.

She takes it as a slap in the face if I don't come. I've tried to get around this by dropping by on other "non-family" occasions to spend time with her ALONE. 

My advice is, try getting to know her and love her on HER terms. Do things with her one-on-one without trying to make everything a family event.


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## Wildwood Flower (Aug 26, 2006)

jill.costello said:


> I might "take her temperature", so to speak..... Ask her to do something FOR YOU. You have put yourself in the position of "host" and family matriarch, which to most folks is delightful and very "family". Ask her to please come help you with something; you would _appreciate_ it SOOO much... Turn the tables, give her something to feel like she IS valuable to your life/you. This would be a different way of "teaching" her something she may never have realised. If she does something small and kind for you, she may start to feel a better connection with you. Just a thought.


Actually, I have asked her to do some things for me and she is always very willing to do so. She comes and helps her grandpa (DH) whenever I am gone. So you are right, that works out good.


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## Wildwood Flower (Aug 26, 2006)

Becka said:


> Have you tried to spend time with her just one-on-one without all the others, without trying to make it a big "family" thing?
> 
> My MIL is always doing this and it drives me nuts. She's very sweet and loving and wants us all to be one big happy family. I love her dearly, but I HATE constantly being expected to come over for every single holiday, because all the other kids and bratty grandkids are there and they make me and my children miserable. We are NOT one big, happy family and it gets old having it forced on someone over and over again. She seems to think if she works hard preparing a big meal, etc. that we will all just magically get along and enjoy ourselves, but it just doesn't work that way. I don't WANT to be around the others and I wish she'd stop taking it personally.
> 
> ...


You may have hit upon something here. I think she has some animosity/jealousy of the others in the family. I don't know. 

I do know that she and I have always been able to talk. She'll come around. 

I must add too that about a year ago she told me that she wanted to "be family" and participate, but she didn't know what she was supposed to do. At that time I told her, "Oh, that's easy....You should always bring a little something, and when the dinner is finished you should always help to clean up a little." That's all I told her at the time. I guess I should have added:
#1 Show up on time! LOL 
and #2 When you receive a gift, say 'THANK YOU'! 
(Maybe take it home and display it for awhile and then re-gift it...I don't know, but don't just leave it there as a total rejection of the gift!)
#3 If you don't like the food, say something like ' Oh that looks so good, but I'm just not all that hungry at the moment.---and maybe compliment something else'

The other thing about wanting to have a happy family gathering, to me it seems a noble endeavor. It's what my mother did, it's what my grandmothers did, and as long as I live I'm sure it is what I will do. Whenever I'm away from my own family I seem to "adopt" people to invite. I am very fortunate that my husband enjoys these little gatherings just like I do. And for the most part everybody seems to have a wonderful time--even this grandaughter I am talking about. She has told me so. Believe me, I'm over it, it just rubbed me the wrong way for a couple of days. 

We've been having these Sunday dinners here or at another of the relatives' houses for many years. I feel like they strengthen the family and I have never felt like these occasions were FORCED on anyone.


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## luvrulz (Feb 3, 2005)

JuliaAnn said:


> If she is in her 20's, with a child of her own, she is definitely not a child, but a grown young woman with responsibilites. Among them should be respect for the rest of the family, especially when being invited to a family gathering. If she was never taught this kind of respect, you may or may not be able to teach her now that she is an adult, but it is certainly worth a try. Perhaps she has always behaved in such a manner and no one ever brought it to her attention, or if they did she never understood how important respect is? Some people think that if something isn't important to *them*, it's not important *period*, and they fail to take other people's feelings into account.
> 
> If you feel you should have a talk with her, you should. Maybe she just doesn't understand or appreciate how her actions affect you.


And maybe since her mom isn't around, she doesn't have an older female figure.... I would talk to her is as sweet a manner as you can and let her know you have her best interests at heart.


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2008)

Wildwood Flower said:


> We've been having these Sunday dinners here or at another of the relatives' houses for many years. I feel like they strengthen the family and I have never felt like these occasions were FORCED on anyone.


Oh WF, I wasn't trying to imply that you were forcing her to attend, it's just that she may be struggling with feelings of not wanting to come and feeling guilty for disappointing you if she doesn't. In my case, every time I don't show up for dinner or show up late (because I had to MAKE myself go) they will call my dh and we'll get a guilt trip about it, how I'm being difficult for not wanting to come and put on a plastic smile and ignore all the barbed insults and glares at me, or the unwelcome vibes being shot at me behind MIL's back. It's really, really hard for me to go. Sometimes I do go and everything is fine, other times we go and I wish I hadn't.

It seems to me you are very loving and your love language is getting together with everyone and giving them things, doing for them, caring about them, etc. That's wonderful. You must be a very special person and caring grandmother. My MIL is so much like that. Maybe your granddaughter's love language is different from yours and she has a hard time accepting your style of love, or maybe it's hard for her to feel like she fits in with the others and feels that she has to try to do so in order to spend time with you. As someone who STILL struggles with this after 17 years of marriage, please be patient with her and try to love her in her own love language as well as yours, if that makes sense.


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## Saffron (May 24, 2006)

As far as the gift, maybe she was assessing whether or not to take it home for many reasons. Anything from a space issue, to perhaps she is limiting the number of toys for her child, or who knows what. If it bothers you so much and you seem to be able to talk to her, just call her up and say "oh, you forgot the toy when you left" There is your opening to find out if she truly found the toy lacking.

As far as being on time - is it TRULY that important? It is just food after all. Isn't her presence what you really want? It would be different for a ceremony or a departure time, but isn't this a family get-together to spend time together? Why not rejoice that she came?

I do not answer my phone for other than my husband and kids. period. I don't care who it is. My phone is for screening. I will call the person back if I do want to talk to them. If they don't leave a voice message, then I don't call back because it must not have been important enough. If my family believes it to be rude, then fine. Trust me though, if I answered when I wasn't in the mood to talk, then that would be rude. I don't like talking on the phone. Maybe she is similar. Acknowledge the fact that you have made certain that she has seen/heard your message, and let it go. Request an RSVP, even via text or fb, if you want to know she is coming, then let it go.

I wonder if there are issues between her and the others. If she is willing to do things for you and your husband, but the reticence appears whenever it involves the others, perhaps the key lies there.


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## Wildwood Flower (Aug 26, 2006)

Becka said:


> Oh WF, I wasn't trying to imply that you were forcing her to attend, it's just that she may be struggling with feelings of not wanting to come and feeling guilty for disappointing you if she doesn't. In my case, every time I don't show up for dinner or show up late (because I had to MAKE myself go) they will call my dh and we'll get a guilt trip about it, how I'm being difficult for not wanting to come and put on a plastic smile and ignore all the barbed insults and glares at me, or the unwelcome vibes being shot at me behind MIL's back. It's really, really hard for me to go. Sometimes I do go and everything is fine, other times we go and I wish I hadn't.
> 
> It seems to me you are very loving and your love language is getting together with everyone and giving them things, doing for them, caring about them, etc. That's wonderful. You must be a very special person and caring grandmother. My MIL is so much like that. Maybe your granddaughter's love language is different from yours and she has a hard time accepting your style of love, or maybe it's hard for her to feel like she fits in with the others and feels that she has to try to do so in order to spend time with you. As someone who STILL struggles with this after 17 years of marriage, please be patient with her and try to love her in her own love language as well as yours, if that makes sense.


Becka,
Thanks for the reply. Isn't it interesting how these family things can mean so many different things to different people. I do know how you feel because my MIL was the same way. It was NOT fun but everybody put on a phoney face! Hopefully we can find a happy medium between being fun and covering the bases of being polite. lol


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## Wildwood Flower (Aug 26, 2006)

Saffron said:


> As far as the gift, maybe she was assessing whether or not to take it home for many reasons. Anything from a space issue, to perhaps she is limiting the number of toys for her child, or who knows what. If it bothers you so much and you seem to be able to talk to her, just call her up and say "oh, you forgot the toy when you left" There is your opening to find out if she truly found the toy lacking.
> 
> As far as being on time - is it TRULY that important? It is just food after all. Isn't her presence what you really want? It would be different for a ceremony or a departure time, but isn't this a family get-together to spend time together? Why not rejoice that she came?
> 
> ...


Saffron,
I don't know, but being on time, YES--it's THAT Important! Over the years I have found out that being on time is a sign of respect of other people's time and effort. It is a bad habit to get into to just come and go as one pleases. Now, for instance, I'll tell you of a situation that happened where the reverse happened:

For the first few months I babysat this girl's daughter, a newborn, while she went to work. Every day she was at least 15 to 20 minutes late, and frequently late for work. Well, I had many a little discussion with her about it. But I was always here.

I was also in the habit of going to the park and walking two miles every morning before she arrived. One day I was late, about 15 minutes. She was standing on the porch waiting for me. When I arrived she gave me the cold shoulder, stomped out, and slammed her car door. So do you see how people who are constantly late expect others to cater to THEM? 

Yes, I do rejoice that she came to the party, but it's a disapointment to have her waltz in after we've already started eating.....and especially for no good reason. It's disrespectful. 

Now, the phone thing is another of my pet peeves. I think I'll just start another thread about that. lol


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## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

Wildwood, you have every right to your feelings and expectations, they are valid and there is nothing wrong with them.

If this young woman is 20, how long has she been in your family? If it's only been a year or two, it may take her longer to adjust to your family's dynamics, especially if, as you mentioned, her family life has been very different from yours. If she has been treated badly in her own family gatherings, or her family gatherings are very negative experiences, she may be reacting as if yours will be too, without even giving it much thought. Like a reflex action. 

Again, I hope things work out for you all. I would be willing to bet that she will eventually adapt, so to speak. I think your expectations are good.


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## Saffron (May 24, 2006)

Wildwood Flower said:


> Saffron,
> I don't know, but being on time, YES--it's THAT Important! Over the years I have found out that being on time is a sign of respect of other people's time and effort. It is a bad habit to get into to just come and go as one pleases. Now, for instance, I'll tell you of a situation that happened where the reverse happened:
> 
> For the first few months I babysat this girl's daughter, a newborn, while she went to work. Every day she was at least 15 to 20 minutes late, and frequently late for work. Well, I had many a little discussion with her about it. But I was always here.
> ...


Yes - I agree that it is a good habit to have and that it is respectful. Not making excuses per se, just trying to discover if there is something underneath causing some of this.
I am always aggravated when people are late. My sister is terrible for this - but I have discovered it is because she has social avoidance issues. We have issues outside of all that, so I have let it go. I can not be responsible for her, I invite her and if she shows, late or not, I'm fine with it. The stress is not healthy for me nor worth it.
My sil is another one for that - she is so bad we are talking 2+ hours late or "I'm coming, I'm coming" then 3 hours later a call arrives "Sorry I can't make it" - beyond aggravating. So I quit inviting her for a while. I have started again, but without planning around her arrival. I'm trying to avoid the disappointment and stress. (Doesn't always work)

I'm not suggesting you cater to her, nor do I see that you do. Does she give attitude over the fact that you didn't wait for her? If so, then make a comment to the effect of glad you *finally* made it, maybe there is some food left, jump in. And don't stress. The stress isn't good for you.

Yes, it does sound like you need to explain further that to "be family" means that she should be on time and show proper appreciation for the things that you do for her.


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## Jan in CO (May 10, 2002)

Some very good ideas here. I had a good friend whose family was ALWAYS late for everything. Mother was late for work, etc. It is a bad habit, and I don't know how you can make someone be on time. I try with gd all the time. I think I would call the girl--and she is a girl, maybe not in years, but in maturity--and if you have to, leave a message. Say something like 'Mary, I noticed you left the gift I gave you/your daughter. I'm sorry it wasn't something you liked. If you don't mind, I'll just put it in the toy box for the others to use here. Please let me know if that would be ok'. That way, you can get a response from her as to WHY she didn't like it, and maybe use it as a time to tell her it would be a good idea when someone gives you something you don't care for or can't use, to respond gracefully, giving her an example. 

While you're at it, ask her how she feels about coming to the family gatherings, telling her how much you LOVE seeing her, love her and the granddaughter, and if it makes her uncomfortable, would she feel better just having more one on one time instead? I didn't know for years that one of my sil's daughters had said something to my children from my first marriage that they weren't real 'grandchildren'. My sweet mil, bless her heart, never treated them differently, even tho I'm sure she didn't feel the same way about them as the natural grands. You are a wonderful grandmother to do this and help your family feel some togetherness.

As for 'thank you's', I think this polite gesture is one more victim of our society. Bothers me to no end, but I hate it when my gs or his father or others don't thank me when I give money to help with baseball trips, etc. I ALWAYS made my gs and gd write their thank you letters right after Christmas while they were staying with me, so that I knew they were done, and hoped it would teach them to thank others. Hasn't worked with the gs, but at least the gd knows to do it. Starting from late in teens to teach someone manners isn't the easiest job! Good luck, and let us know what you do and what happens! Jan in Co


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