# Needing some encouragement... or something.



## menagerie momma (Sep 29, 2008)

Hi, this is my first post on this particular forum, but I have been floating around HT for several months now. I really need to hear something positive from other HS'ers right now to untangle the knots in my stomach.

Years ago, I started HS'ing my DD. I never wanted her in PS and at the time we couldn't afford our Christian school. She developed a seizure disorder, so HS was a good fit for that reason as well - however, the medicines she had to take slowed her down a little and the birth of her high needs brother really threw a monkey wrench in our lessons. I really started feeling like I was drowning and school was no longer productive or fun. We decided to go with a cyberschool and had her repeat her 3rd grade year, which helped her a little, but I couldn't get on top of the housework, AND the schoolwork,AND the outings, AND the errands, AND the screaming, hurting baby that wouldn't sleep while I lived on chicken and rice to nurse him through some severe allergies (turned out to be milk and soy -but what a trial) so we cut out as much from the budget as we could and got a scholarship to be able to send her to the Christian school, where many of our church family taught, so they knew her and her difficulties with all the medication she was on. She has been there for 4th and is now halfway through 5th grade.

Now however, her seizures are increasing again and she spends her days exhausted by nights of seizing. She misses many days of school. (14 or 15 so far) Her teacher is surprisingly not as sympathetic as she led me to believe she would be. DD looks so "normal" (for lack of a better descriptor) that the teacher just doesn't think about the supreme effort DD has to put into everything she does - even holding her pencil is difficult when her hand starts twitching. 

DD is being admitted to CHP in about 5 weeks for a new battery of tests to last about 2 weeks, in order to better pinpoint the focal point of her seizures and perhaps surgically remove the problem. For six years her MRI's have been clean, so they really need to spend time finding this now that her brain has matured some. The teacher is up in arms about how much more school she has missed, and yet, won't allow me to get a word in edge-wise about pulling her from school and resuming homeschooling.

The extremely long ramble was all to get to this point: after listening to my DD cry over how miserable she is that she can't do things like the other kids and how they and the teachers will be mad at her for missing so much (HUH? I can't believe the teacher is even talking to her about this! The stress only serves to *increase* her seizure activity) - anyway, DH & I decided to enroll her in Connections Academy, without discussing it with the staff. They won't listen, they want her to stay so badly, without considering what is best for her right now. I will be calling them Monday, after I receive the enrollment paperwork, to let them know what is going on, but I refuse to argue any further. I really truly love these people, most of the staff are also friends of ours and they have helped us through some very tough times, but DD just can't take the classroom environment any longer. She needs to be able to stop and take a break if she is tired, or twitching, or take a day off and work a Saturday instead. The hue and cry at school right now seems to be "ATTENDANCE!" not what will help a student cope. 

I just feel so nervous about the whole thing. My DS has long since outgrown his allergy/colic/reflux issues, and is going to preschool and getting some home instruction himself, but not full blown homeschool. I have no confidence left in my ability to school my children. The situation warrants it, and circumstances are such that we absolutely should do alright, but I am panicking about "what ifs". I just want her to be ok. This route will allow her to take "class" with her to the hospital, besides being calmer and slower for her overall. I just wish I felt more....able. It's not like I can't teach, and I totally believe in homeschooling as an ideal method/lifestyle as opposed to a B&M school, I just feel so shaken about how hard it got when we added a colicky reflux baby to the mix. I worry some other big situation will come along to throw us all for a giant loop. 

I've rambled long enough for now. I'm sorry the post is so long. It does feel a litle better just to write my feelings down somewhere. Feedback will be most welcome, though! Thanks for reading.

Jessie


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

First of all, sit down, close your eyes and take a REALLY DEEP BREATH! Do it again. Do it as many times as you need to to get some oxygen into you and calm down.

My knee-jerk response to what you are experiencing with the school goes something like this: OF COURSE they want her to be there every day, of course they're pressuring you to NOT pull her -- it's their BUSINESS to do so, and their business only succeeds if there are butts in seats at the school. They have NO business bullying you, speaking over you, or not listening to you when you try to discuss this with them, so, FRIENDS OR NOT, STOP discussing it with them. You know what your child needs right now. Do it.

They may well be your friends outside of the school. You may owe them HUGELY for what they've done for your family in past - that does NOT give them the right to not listen to you, as that child's parent, now. They do NOT know better than you, and they have no right to dismiss this child's medical issues just because they don't "see" it. They're not the ones sitting up watching over that child all night waiting for the next seizure -- you are.

I don't know this teacher, and certainly wasn't party to your conversation with her, but from the sounds of it, she's decided that she knows what is best, and isn't going to consider your thoughts on the subject. Reject that RIGHT NOW. Any teacher who will not work with you is not what your child needs right now, especially if the seizures are affected by stress.

You CAN do this, but what it sounds like you need right now is a huge hug, a cup of tea, and a break. Having two special needs children (to whatever degree they qualify as "special needs") can play havoc with your sleep patterns, and let me tell you, I know ALL about going for years without sleep -- your judgment when it comes to your own abilities and skills is severely affected by this.

So, what do you need right now? Well, you need to take those deep breaths again, tell yourself that what is best for your daughter is to figure out what is physically going on with her, and THEN worrying about academics. Sit down and talk to your DH about this. The two of you need to come up with a game plan to get through these next couple of months. Discuss expectations on both sides, of each other, of your daughter, of the medical professionals and of the school. Decide what is most important right now, and concentrate on that.

And if it were me (and you'll note it's not, of course), I'd be sending a letter to the teacher, CC'd to the principal, and the board of the school, telling her EXACTLY how the next few months are going to play out.

There are a lot of good teachers out there -- she may be one, I don't know, but I *DO* know that, in my experience, many schools (and teachers) don't understand that THEY work for YOU, not the other way around.

You'll be fine. Do that deep breathing, and take it one very slow step at a time.


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## menagerie momma (Sep 29, 2008)

Thanks, Tracy. You are right, of course. It's just really hard to go against the grain sometimes. I value their opinions, maybe I've grown too dependent on what the school says. 

Jessie


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2008)

You're the parent, and you know what's best for your own child better than anyone else, no matter how well meaning they might be.

Deep breath--it's going to be okay. I don't know of ANY mom who can juggle homeschool, housework, other children (whether homeschooled or not), church activities, doctor visits, medical bills, etc, etc. and still do everything to extreme perfection. And that's OKAY! Sometimes I think we homeschoolers put more pressure on ourselves because we constantly feel the need to "prove ourselves" to those who disapprove of our choices.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision for your family, whatever you decide to do. Just make sure it's YOUR decision and not someone else's who isn't walking in your shoes. Cheering you on!:clap:


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

menagerie momma said:


> Thanks, Tracy. You are right, of course. It's just really hard to go against the grain sometimes. I value their opinions, maybe I've grown too dependent on what the school says.
> 
> Jessie


It's the hardest thing in the world to buck the system, especially when it's not for YOU but for your KIDS. As parents, we are all sensitive to the "it's not what is best for THEM" attitude of others -- who, keep in mind, also have their own interests to be served here.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

Society trains us ot listen to what they say is right. Your heart is saying what they say is wrong. So is your ability to know your child worse than theirs? Dp they have her best interests at heat? 

The school system gets money by having sutdents..without them there is no money. Your daughters scholraship may be paid for by grant money for all you know. If the learning environment is causing her stressthen it isn't rght for her now. 

If you have doubs then get a canned curriculum, but frankly I look at my kids canned curriculum and am leaving parts out, replacing with books that are 100 years old but better written and versed than any modern textbook I have ever see.

Our society feels we do not know what is best for our children thereby undermining our confidence as parents. I think it is the ability to get past that teaching is what maked homeschooling parents a little more open to being able to take the step for what we fell is right for our children. I feel the system is failing because it no longer is flexible. I also find it humourous that schoools quote some of the most famour men in this country who actually spent little or no time in schools per se. Anone who reads Ben Franklin knows how intelllectual he was yet he spent only 2 years in school.

Do what is best for your daughter and don't be afraid to fail, recognizing failure makes us realize we are not perfect. And look at how much 'stuff' kids learn in th egeneralized curriculum system they will never use in life! Teach you child the bare minimum of what is required and the maximum of what she Needs.

Sorry for the long post


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## blessedx5 (Jul 9, 2008)

Hi Jesse - Hi, I'm Laura and I'm new on this forum too... I haven't even introduced myself, but I wanted to offer some encouragment to you, if I can.

I hope you are feeling better and stronger about your decision to bring the DD home. Personally, I'd inform my friends/teachers that you and hubby have prayed about it (as I'm sure you have) and it's clear to you that this is God's will for your family right now. (You never know what changes may come, so telling them to MYOB would probably burn some bridges.  ) 

If indeed these are Christian friends, who are they to argue with God's will for your family.

I also find it's much easier to present something as FACT... not a topic of discussion. Basically, "this is what we are doing because it's best for our family and God has given us direction here. Aren't you HAPPY for us?!"

Be strong sister, it's not an easy road, but one definitely worth taking.
Laura


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## Madame (Jan 1, 2003)

You are doing what is right for your daughter. No justification is required.


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## Sonshine (Jul 27, 2007)

I agree with others here. I only have one special needs child and can get overwhelmed, but then I think about how would he do if he were going to a school everyday rather than being in his home where he is comfortable. There were times I thought I was in over my head, but reminded myself that even his doctors told me the best thing for him was homeschooling him. We get one shot of helping our children, I'd rather do all I can than to take the chance that someone else might mess things up. Our kids need our support during the good days and the bad. We know them better than anyone else and know when to push and when to back off. I can tell when my son is getting overwhelmed with a new concept, so we take it slower, and some days just take a holiday.


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## menagerie momma (Sep 29, 2008)

Thanks everyone, my DH told them yesterday when he went to pick up work for her. (home sick again. I hate seizures:flame They didn't give *him* any problems, they just said how sorry they were that she isn't doing well and they will continue praying for her. 

At one point, it was mentioned that she could go on homebound instruction, until DH pointed out the time committment. He told them this wasn't a temporary thing - that we have a 2 week hospital stay coming up, then potentially more testing (another 2ish weeks) then brain surgery or VNS placement. This isn't your average kiddie illness that is just barely going to put her over the limit for absences, this is more than a year of school interuppted. It wouldn't be fair to the teacher (they teach double classes in elementary there 1st & 2nd, 3rd & 4th, 5th & 6th. Teachers already have their hands full.) I also don't want her falling behind and having to be held back another year if we can help it. She is *very* developed for a 12 year old and pretty smart too. She needs more time to complete her work, but she isn't below grade level. They can't give her that extra in the time constraints of a B & M school. 

So, we are just riding out this last week or two that it takes to complete enrollment at Connections, and she will be back home again. It's ironic how she has changed. She was so excited to go to school at first - tired of being at home with *mom* all day. Now, she is excited to be back home with mom! I'll never figure out the mercurial nature of children as long as I live!:help::stars: 

After reading all these replies, I am even tempted to go back to taking on all the administrative duties of filing affidavits and putting together portfolios next school year, just so I can pick and choose more curricular materials from Rainbow Resource! That catalogue is like Christmas all year! I can't wait to pull out the Teaching Tank again, and may even dig out the SOTW we never got to use because we put her in school. I'm glad I decided to hang on to that stuff instead of selling. 

Thanks again everyone!

Jessie


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

menagerie momma said:


> Thanks everyone, my DH told them yesterday when he went to pick up work for her. (home sick again. I hate seizures:flame They didn't give *him* any problems, they just said how sorry they were that she isn't doing well and they will continue praying for her.
> 
> At one point, it was mentioned that she could go on homebound instruction, until DH pointed out the time committment. He told them this wasn't a temporary thing - that we have a 2 week hospital stay coming up, then potentially more testing (another 2ish weeks) then brain surgery or VNS placement. This isn't your average kiddie illness that is just barely going to put her over the limit for absences, this is more than a year of school interuppted. It wouldn't be fair to the teacher (they teach double classes in elementary there 1st & 2nd, 3rd & 4th, 5th & 6th. Teachers already have their hands full.) I also don't want her falling behind and having to be held back another year if we can help it. She is *very* developed for a 12 year old and pretty smart too. She needs more time to complete her work, but she isn't below grade level. They can't give her that extra in the time constraints of a B & M school.
> 
> ...


Good for you Jessie! The absolute *last* thing you and your daughter need to be worried about right now is other people's disapproval of your attendance record! You guys work on getting her healthy. The rest will come. 

Cindyc.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

Just more affirmations here. 

Yes, if your child is in public (or private, for that matter) school, attendance _is_ vital. :shrug: That's part of how the curriculum operates for _any_ class afterall--homeschooling, included. Today's lesson builds upon yesterday's which builds upon the day before's... 
The teacher of the group is thrown for a loop every time a child is absent because they need to be caught up for what they've missed or they'll continue to be behind the group. This is _particularly_ problematic with a child with multiple absences. Such is the nature of group education. Don't be upset with the school for functioning as a school _has_ to function. 



You're making the right decision. As this will continue to be a problem for your daughter she is going to continue to have trouble keeping up with a group. However, on her own, she'll be able to work when she can, rest when she needs and _excel_ because school is fitting her rather than vice versa.


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## menagerie momma (Sep 29, 2008)

Thanks Erin, that's how I feel about it - I am totally *not* upset with the school about the attendance issue, far from it!  I really, truly feel bad that she is having a hard time keeping up, and I still feel sad that we have to take this route and that anyone there may feel upset that we pulled her. They are like family to us. It's just that DD's needs and the needs of the school as a group don't match at this moment in our lives, and to be fair to DD and to her classmates, we felt this would be best. We hope that at some point in the future, the school is an option again - DD loves it and seeing her friends daily and wants to play on the volleyball team when she is old enough.

The reason I felt so agitated was because the staff seemed not to want to hear that we were choosing to homeschool at all. Any dialogue I started about homeschooling perhaps being the best course of action was shut down and it was suggested that I just make sure she not miss, and why is she so tired all the time anyway? That was frustrating.

No matter, the problem is solved now, thanks to my husband!  The situation was understood and they were very sympathetic. Go figure. I am so glad I have a husband people respect! LOL


Jessie


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

Well if it makes you feel any better, when I was first talking about HSing DS, everyone from administration to fellow teachers to _bus drivers_ had to weigh in. 
For the most part, to tell me why it was a bad idea... 
But again, we can't expect people to be anything but who they are. And generally speaking, employees of a school system are going to believe in the superiority group education. Particularly the group education that is found at _their_ institution...  

I'm glad you have it all sorted out. 

And so far as volleyball--Does you school allow HSed students to participate? Ours does.


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