# new to homeschooling (Bear with me)



## simplefarmgirl (Mar 31, 2006)

I am new to the homeschooling idea,, well not the idea, the idea of trying to be smart enough to teach my step son. First let me start and explain our situation. I have a 10 year old step son, who lives with us 50% of the time or more. He is in 5th grade, htis mom has had him coded with what they call a 504 plan, not quite a IEP next step.
Robbie, is shy,but ok only when it gets him out of doing what he doesnt want to do.His mother says he has anixiety and panic attack problem, theses in being around him over 3 yrs, we have never seen. With us he is social and out going, totally opposite from what he is with his mother.
We just had a school meeting with his teacher, Robbie is a more hands on type of child, with learning and activities., every morning the children have to come in to school and work on a "fix it" paper. It is a paper with either spelling errors, capitalization errors. Robbie knows how to do this work, but if there are other things he would rather do, he wont do it, he says he doesnt know how and the teacher gives him the answers. well again at this meeting, she asked him if it would help him if she high lighted where the erros were, well of course he said yes.. Ithought my husband was going to go thru the roof,, he asked how he was going to learn if they gave him the answers,he said that the teacher is lowering the standards so Robbie doesnt get discouraged with school,, but ya know,, life ist a fairy tale there will be things that upset us, we learn by mistakes, and trials,, not having the answers given to us.
What I need to know where do i get school aides and work for 5th graders,,His mother wants him to play all these sports and music,, I feel he needs more acedemics and hand on help. She says he will learn when he is ready...HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No he wont not when every one babies him and gives him the answers.
Ok thanks for listening to me rant.....


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## ihedrick (May 15, 2005)

First thoughts are that they are enabling this learned behavior that if he doesn't want to do the assignment, then he can say he doesn't understand and the teacher gives him the answers. Without knowing the reason for the 504 plan; I would say that more frequent communication with the teacher is needed to ensure all parties are helping this child advance; not helping him move through the 5th grade. Eventually, this pushing him through will bite him in the butt!! I know because that's where my oldest son was headed and he had an IEP for ADD/HDD.
If you want to find resources for teaching him basic school skills, one site I find helpful is edhelper.com. Parts are free and some parts you need to pay to access. You can also do a search for "free math worksheet" or what ever subject you need. Then you'll have lots of resources at your finger tips.
You'll get plenty more ideas and thoughts on this. Just hang in there and do what is best for your family especially the young man.


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## christij (Mar 5, 2006)

What exactly does the 504 state? Has he been tested to qualify for LD classes or additional help? What level is he placed in for Math and Reading/Grammer? If he's in a higher reading/grammer then I would say you would have basis for thinking he doesn't need the additional guidance in that particular area. Has he ever had problems compelting the "fix it" papers in prior grades? In my sub experience these morning work papers usually start in 2nd grade. Is he having any other learning problems besides completing morning work?
The previous poster is right --- he maybe smart but if he doesn't complete his work or pay attention he will come to a point where he can't catch up. And no child left behind just encourages getting kids through the system. 
If he has been tested and doesn't qualify I would push to learn more about the results of those tests - weak/strong areas. Does he really know the material but isn't applying himself. 
But know matter what it sounds like an uphill battle if mom isn't on the same page and of if he picks up on it....


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Back away from the stepchild. I mean it -- seriously.

You may know what is wrong, but you are NOT this child's parent -- as much as his father says you are 6 months of the year. If you want to guarantee marital strife, you'll involve yourself fully in solving this child's educational problems. If you want to have a marriage in ten years time, you will tell your darling, caring, wonderful husband that this is something that he and his ex need to sort out between them.

Bad mojo getting involved in solving Robbie's problem. Really, really bad mojo. Either you're right, and the exwife hates you and actively works against you with the child, or you're right and SHE loves you for "fixing" her little boy's problem, but the kid now resents you because 1) you're showing up his mother, or 2) because he had a nice gig going where the school figured he was an idiot and he was cruising through with little to no effort, and garnering the associated "concern" on the part of his (divorced) parents. Every child of a broken home's dream, unite the divorced parents in concern over them. 

Or, best case, you help the kid, so he adores you, and the ex starts looking at you like you're the anti-Christ. All of this, and your husband is either 1) resentful of you for getting involved and getting his kid or his ex ticked off at him (again), or 2) happy to hand over the parenting to you -- all Mommy, all the time.

Or, you're wrong and you become "that woman" who interfered.

No matter which way it goes, you lose. 

Do *NOT* even think "homeschooling" unless Dad and Mum are united on this already and ASK for your involvement -- and even then, be very, very clear on the ground rules PRIOR to agreeing to anything. If you have concerns about the child doing less than he's capable of, unless your name is on that custody agreement, support your husband and let HIM fight it out. 

My sister WAS you ten years ago. She's now divorced, with a stepson who has decided that all his teenage angst is her fault and has threatened her life, and his druggie (non-custodial) mother out for her blood for "ruining" her little darling. All because she tried to help the kid get a decent education and something resembling ambition.

Bad, bad, bad situation to be in. I know you're hacked off, but really, unless Dad *AND* Mum ask for your help, stay OUT of it.

Just my $1.12 -- take it or leave it.

Having said ALL of that, if your family (including bio-mommy) decide to go ahead with this, there are literally THOUSANDS of resources out there. Far more than could possibly be listed here. If none of you have any experience homeschooling, your first year might be well served by using a boxed program like Sonlight -- not because it's an amazing program, but because that first year, many new homeschooling parents spend second-guessing their decision and wallowing in self-doubt. A boxed program assures you that you're covering the "typical" bases. 

Other resources that are good are "The Well Trained Mind" by Jessie Wise and Susan Wise Bauer and Rebecca Rupp's Home Learning Year By Year. Both outline what to do when.

Good luck -- this is NOT an easy position to be in, and I admire you for wanting to do something about this situation. Just understand that, in my experience, you need to tread very, very lightly here.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Simplefarmgirl, you are BOTH right. 

That does not HAVE to be a problem, but it can become one if the two of you go head-to-head.

If the 2 of you work together, it might be that each of you have something valuable to offer. Thee are many different ways to teach a child, and different people with different approaches can be a very good thing.

Please remember that what a child does at home might not be what he does at school. At home my son has a half-hour attention span: at school it is less than 5 minutes. Kids are capable of different things in different settings.

Oh, yes. Edited to add: re-read Tracys post.


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## simplefarmgirl (Mar 31, 2006)

First let me say thank you for your advise.. Let me say I can back away.. This child needs some one in his life with half a brain.. Some one who is willing to hands on learn and teach him. He needs extra help in math, reading.. but his mother wants to have everyone treat him special, lower the standard to push him through. We asked him tonight if the teacher was highlighting his fix it papers in the morning he said yes,, asked him what he was learning he said nothing she is giving him the answers.. Where is that teaching him???? I dont expect to be able to take him out of public school his mother wont allow that, but his father and i have agreed to try extra methods at home while he is here to help him out to give him more hands on,, we are also starting a 4-h in our neighborhood to get the kids around to learn and to help Robbie out.. So looking for a place to help (free) is nice to just give him an extra boost. His mother cant stop me from helping him here.


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## Key (Apr 2, 2005)

As a certified teacher, I unfortunately can tell you that what you are dealing with is not something unusual. IEP modifications often include less choices on multiple choice tests, a word bank for fill in the blank, and sometimes help from aides that are more than happy to just tell the stdeunts the answers. More often than not in my experience, IEPs are abused and capable kids want to be ideintifed for the "easy" tests and the help on other assessments. Who is at fault? Parents who push, teachers who give and administrators/school boards that want everyone to keep moving forward irregardless of learning or not. I've seen students refuse to pick up a pencil, so the aide writes it for them. I may be "old-fashioned", but I cannot believe my tax dollars are paying for that! Where is the child's resonsibility? Students who struggle with reading can have things read to them...how are they going to improve if they don't try? Sorry if I hijacked thread, but your comments about the public school support system are a genuine concern. When students with adapted and easier tests are basicaly given higher grades than students that struggle through very difficult tests, I think we have a major problem. I am not saying all IEPs are unnecessary, but many of them ultimately limit the child's educational progress instead of improving it.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

simplefarmgirl said:


> His mother cant stop me from helping him here.


 You sound like your fists are already up.

I HOPE not! If it ever boils down to a squabble, EVERYBODY looses! 

Engage the childs interests, do not engage the Mother!


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## simplefarmgirl (Mar 31, 2006)

Again thank you for advise,, I know about IEP's I my self have a disabled child who was in the same school system from the age of 3 til they gave him a certificate of completetion at the age of 19. My step son, is a smart kid.he knows how to do alot of things butif he doesnt want to he will whine to mom and she enables them to aide him, to give him the answers,, what is he learning. See he doesnt push this crap with me,, I am 14yrs older than his mother, I have grandchildren his age. He works at the kitchen table doing his home work, he asked for help when he needs it. He can do his work maybe with a prompt, but not any answers given to him. I have 4 chldren all older, so he cant pull anything they already havent tried. 
As far as fist already up,, I will fight for his right to learn, not be giving the easy way out, he may not realize now that its an issue but further down the road he will suffer for it. He is in5th grade, cant tell time on a normal clock that isnt digital. Doesnt know his time tables to 10 or even the 5's with out struggling. He needs hands on help and he will get it here. I am not getting into any struggling match with his mother, for she is and was coded all through school and she doesnt see any problem. she treats Robbie like he is stilll 5 or 6, all he plays with are smaller children none his own age, he talks like he is 5, The grandmother enables the daughter at the same time no one will let him mature.Robbie dad is fighten right by me to get them to treat him as the age he is, he is fighting the school to stop givng him the answers, to stop lowering the standards to push him through. every child is entitled to an education. Every child is entilted to be help but not giving the answers. If I am missing something somewhere in the education system please let me know.. Has it changed that much in 10 yrs where we just give the children the answers and just become glorified baby sitters instead.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Simplefarmgirl, you are not understanding what I am trying to say.

You can "help him with his homework and extra credit" and get away with it.

But, you have her son for part of the time and she is jealous of that. OK, she smiles and agrees but she does NOT! want to share her son's respect and affection with you. You might cook for him and clean for him but MOTHER HIM? 

She hates that!

So, the minute you tamper with his educational plan she will say "NOT WITH MY SON" and the battle will be on! It's a matter of TERRITORY! She does not want you to suceed! She is afraid of losing her son to you.

So, cook for him and clean for him but when it comes to education make sure it LOOKS LIKE you are just helping him with his homework!!!!!

Even if you are doing much, MUCH more than that, it will ONLY work IF THE MOTHER KNOWS THAT YOU ARE ONLY HELPING HIM WITH HIS HOMEWORK!

Because if you take over MOTHERING she will stop you. And, making decisions with his education is USUALLY seen as mothering!

So, no matter WHAT you are doing, you are "helping him with his homework " and NOTHING! else! Not fighting (Her?) for his right to an education, that is her job and she has made her decisions and she will fight you to make sure they are followed! 

You are ONLY helping him with his homework!!!!!!!!! 

There are no lies needed, that would put the child in a terrible position. You are only helping him with his homework!


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

I agree with Tracy and Terri. 

It's hard when you have an affection for a child and have hands tied. It sounds like his main issues are way beyond academic and goes into consistancy, discipline, expectations and manipulation.

As a custodial parent I know that 1/2 on 1/2 off is very disruptive. Never did it and would never consider it. Children need stability, a place that FEELS like home. Being uprooted again and again is keeping that poor kid suffering the divorce split well after the parents got closure. He could grow up with some much worse problems than poor school work.

How would you as an able minded adult do with a part time life, not one of fun with a summer and winter vacation home, but one of forced wandering with no actual permanence? 

It could only get worse should either birth parent have another child. (baby) if he build frustration and resentment his behavior will only get worse as time goes on. Where does he feel happy? (probably NOT where he acts out the most)

Anyone remeber Solomon and judging over the baby with two Mom's?


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## kgchis (Jan 4, 2006)

We had a very similar situation with my niece. When she had problems, teachers gave hints or "extra credit" whatever needed to be done to keep the grades up. Then when we complained they said "oh your expectations are just to high" or "she is a straight A student, what do you want". So we paid to have her tested to find out why she needed the hints or extra work, and GUESS WHAT we found a learning disability that was not being addressed. She actually had ADHD. In her case she wasn't physically hyperactive, her brain was hyperactive and impeding her concentration. So the result was most of the time she was fine, but if you asked her to memorize something, she couldn't do it. We didn't take the "just medicate" route. We needed to medicate in order to slow her mind down enough to help her. Then we worked with an experienced tutor to address neurological areas she needed to work on. 6 months later it was problem solved. Three years later, we have a junior honor student who can complete her work on her own without hints or "extra work".


So don't let them tell you, he will learn when he is ready. Kids are VERY good at hiding not being able to do something with "I don't want to". It is easier to say they "don't want to" than to admit they aren't picking up something their peers are learning. 

My advice is take him somewhere to get him screened for any learning disability. If there is a problem, you have got to address that first and foremost, otherwise it will just be frustrating to all. Don't depend on the school to test him either. Most of the time they don't want to deal with it. BUT if you do find a problem, they are then legally obligated to deal with it (see why they would rather not find it).

If a problem is found, then address it. If a problem isn't found, then address the child. My niece was told if there was no problem, we were going to have some serious talks about study skills.

Also, be prepared for a referral. In our case when she showed a strong tendency toward ADHD, we had to take her to a doctor trained to make that particular diagnosis.

For the child and for you husband, get him tested. I have seen parents ride kids so hard for years, and then feel awful years later when an unaddressed problem shows up. Often times it was delayed so long it was too late to address it. Some areas of the brain stop developing and when it's done, it's done. A test now will give all of you peace of mind.


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## Goat Servant (Oct 26, 2007)

You are definitely onto this kid and all the dynamics of it. Keep helping him, but let your DH and the x duke out any testing that is to be done...stay out of that unless your asked by the x...even so, be wise, don't let her manipulate, give short simple answers if asked.
You will continue to have positive influence on him by caring in such a way that the x isn't going to be intimidated or percieved as being a threat.
I wish somebody could have pushed me as a kid!


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

I am not familiar with your state's laws, but in Ohio only a PARENT, not a step-parent, is permitted to educate or oversee the education of a home schooled child unless you have a degree (bachelor's or master's, I can't remember which) in education.

I do agree with you in your opinion of the school babying him and thus depriving him of an education. It happened with my son. Do what you can for this boy, but by law you most likely cannot home school him.


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## simplefarmgirl (Mar 31, 2006)

I know I cant offically homeschool him,, but I can aide him at home with extra help. His dad and I are in agreement about the school baby sitting him and not teaching him,, We know already the mom would blow a fuse if we mentioned home schooling. Robbie doesnt act up with us just his mother. He knows what he can get away with and what he cant.. I wont step on moms toes, so to speak.. but I will as long as he is in my house make sure he gets an education, not everything will come from books, and half of it will be works so he wont even realize he is learning. As far as Robbie being torn about his parents divore he doesnt ever remember them being together it happen when he was an infant, He has only known his parents to live in seperate houses, and there is no conflict with that, he has 2 complete homes. and is totally at home with both. As far as dad and mom and testing dad went along with testing only because mom wuld pull a fit and its easier to have her think she is getting her own way. Testing wont hurt anything and might actually show her he isnt learning disabled,, he is just playing her as afool.
I will continue to help Robbie as I have been and add things to his education to help him out


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## Ernie (Jul 22, 2007)

Give him a hand with his existing work. Provide a good example. Educate him about life in general, if you so choose, but you're not the parent. From what I've seen, homeschooling does not work well in broken families. And regardless of what you think, a child living with you only part time, and strife between his two parents, and an outsider stepping in .. this equals a broken family.


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## simplefarmgirl (Mar 31, 2006)

First Robbie doesnt have to choose between parent, we dont talk about his mother in his presence, his life is the only life he knows, so how can he know broken other than the people his mother brings into his life then they leave. Robbie calls me mom, he always has, he talks to me more open and honestly than with his mother.His dad and mom have a civil relationship and will not disccuss and thing in front of Robbie that they might disagree on. Robbie is very close to his dad, they do alot together, Here he has a stable family life, where there are rules, chores and rewards and punishments. Robbie even though living in 2 different places during the week, has a more normal life than some children I know with both parents in the house. I did foster care for 17 yrs,have taken care of children since I was 10, so I do know a little bit. When asked where he wants to go on Holidays and special events he always choose he. This is normal for him, it is all he has ever known.


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