# Ladies, I need some advice!



## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

And some encouragement!
I've got two houses to clean and organize this month. My own and my Mom's.

My DD is going to rent my Mom's house and she and her boyfriend are going to help me. My problem is - my Mother is a hoarder and elderly and she can't do the work herself. I went and rented a storage unit to put the furniture in. My question is, should I move the furniture out and then clean out the "stuff" and all the papers?

The bedrooms are the worst, inside the house. The garage is a total disaster. things are stacked nearly to the ceiling. She wants to have a garage sale, but I don't know where to start. 
I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. :help:


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## Guest (May 13, 2008)

Start in one area, like the garage. IF she has enough good stuff, have a garage sale with the things that are in the garage. If you have time and can throw other stuff in there, fine. Two weeks to a month later have another sale, this time with kitchen, dining and living room stuff. The third sale would be for bedroom and basement stuff. Clear out the garage and you'll have a place to put stuff from the house while you're awaiting your sale. 

Make it clear that anything that doesn't sell is going to be donated. NO EXCEPTIONS. 

If you don't like that idea, put it all out on the yard and garage and post on freecycle that you're having a free sale.


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

Tonya said:


> Start in one area, like the garage. IF she has enough good stuff, have a garage sale with the things that are in the garage. If you have time and can throw other stuff in there, fine. Two weeks to a month later have another sale, this time with kitchen, dining and living room stuff. The third sale would be for bedroom and basement stuff. Clear out the garage and you'll have a place to put stuff from the house while you're awaiting your sale.



She won't let me sell her furniture. She's living with her BF and says if something happens to him, she wants her furniture and her house back. So, I have to put that stuff in storage.
If I could get rid of the furniture, I'd just have an estate sale - but she won't go for that right now.
There's not a basement.

I was thinking about the garage first too. Maybe if I get all of that cleared out and the furniture in the house put into storage, cleaning the rest will be easier.

I think I'm going to have to pack things and throw out stuff when she's not around. She says she wants to help, because she's afraid I'll get rid of stuff she doesn't want me to - but she gets in there and starts taking a trip down memory lane and we get absolutely nowhere! 

I'm thinking of calling her BF and having him take her on a trip out of town just so I can get stuff done without having her in the way.


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## Ninn (Oct 28, 2006)

Vickie, that's a very good idea! You have no personal attachment to her accumulated stuff, but are close enough to her to know what is important to her and what isn't. Send her on a vacation and get at that garage first. That will give you room to work. Call your local office for the aging or your church and explain what you are doing. Get some volunteers to help with the scrubdowns and the hauling, etc. DON"T try to do it all yourself. That's a recipe for disaster. 

Is the garage weatherproof? Then why pay for storage? Use it! Lock it up and use that instead of paying out good money for someone elses glorified garage.


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

Ninn said:


> Call your local office for the aging or your church and explain what you are doing. Get some volunteers to help with the scrubdowns and the hauling, etc. DON"T try to do it all yourself. That's a recipe for disaster.
> 
> Is the garage weatherproof? Then why pay for storage? Use it! Lock it up and use that instead of paying out good money for someone elses glorified garage.


I didn't know you could ask for help like that from the Aging office. I'll have to look into it.
My DD and her boyfriend are helping me, since they are going to rent the house from her.
Nope the garage isn't weather proof yet. The storage facility is only short-term since DD's boyfriend is going to upgrade the house once we get it empty. There are broken windows in the garage and a door needs to be replaced. Plus their building a H&A closet for the inside unit in the garage, I think.
They're going to add central H&A - he found a 4 ton unit for $1000 from a friend. It has natural gas wall furnaces, but the fuel is so expensive for them I told them to leave those there and use them for back-up heat when the electricity goes off during storms in the winter.
It needs new carpet in the LR, so he's going to find some new remnant carpet. Their going to paint the walls and put down tile in the kitchen.
Their doing all the work themselves, except the electric hook up on the H&A unit - I have a friend doing that.

Once he gets the inside work done and they get moved in, he's going to build a storage shed in the back yard and we'll move her stuff out there. He's hoping he can have that done by summers end. 

I'm just trying to figure out in my head where to start first, so I'm thinking if I move the furniture out and clear the garage out, the rest is all clean up and box-up work.
The house is about 1100 sq ft 3 bdrm 1 ba 1 car gar. - it's not real big for all the stuff she's got packed in there. 
Of course, once we get done, it may look huge! 

Thanks for the ideas!:clap:


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## Christine in OK (May 10, 2002)

Be prepared for the onslought from your mom, if she's anything like mine. I went over and helped her clean out her closets a few months ago, because she couldn't find - something, I can't even remember what now - that she _needed_ to find, and she was mad at me for a month - swore I'd stolen her wedding ring, and all kinds of other weird things - all because I was trying to help her find something!


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

Christine in OK said:


> Be prepared for the onslought from your mom, if she's anything like mine. I went over and helped her clean out her closets a few months ago, because she couldn't find - something, I can't even remember what now - that she _needed_ to find, and she was mad at me for a month - swore I'd stolen her wedding ring, and all kinds of other weird things - all because I was trying to help her find something!


I understand, Christine. If it wasn't for my Mom's boyfriend, this wouldn't even be happening. He's the one that's encouraged her to do this and she's so forgetful, he is her memory, these days - he has to remind her of things all the time.
I've decided to label things very well when boxing them up and making sure we have an extra key to the storage, in case she loses hers - I'll probably give him one too.

She's accused my DD and DB of things in the past and I'm certain I've got it coming too at some future point. 
I think parental dimentia is as sad and frustrating for us as it is for them!


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

I would start by pulling out all the large items that are going into storage. Have a small dumpster delivered. 

If you have the garage cleaned out, you can set up all the boxes and write on each box a room name : RE: Living, Dining, Kitchen etc. tape a scrap pc of paper to each box. When you 'find' something that belongs in a box write it on the paper. Then when the box is full pull the page and keep them together in a file. After EVERYTHING is complete. Type up a master list and give one to your mom and you keep one in a safe place. Have a small file box for important papers: wills, insurance, tax etc.. and file them as you find them. IF she has nice jewerly, rent a safety deposit box at HER bank, with both your names on the box and place one of the master lists in there. You really need the list for the insurance company IF there is ever a fire or thief.


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## Christine in OK (May 10, 2002)

Ys, I think you're right, Vickie. My mother calls my sister just about every weekend and tells her that she wants to move back to Shawnee because I'm tired of her. Not once have I ever told that woman I'm tired of her or that she would be better off there - truth be told, I would be better off if she were there, but she's better off right where she is. Her rent is based on her income, they have meals on wheels bring lunch for $2 (which is the only time she actually gets up and goes out, except to the laundry room and grocery store once a week), and the apartments are older, but clean and well-maintained. 

But as I see her stuffing paperwork into every available nook and cranny, and look at the pictures, clothing and knick-knacks she's crammed into every empty space, I dread the day we have to sort through and pack it all up!


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## Christine in OK (May 10, 2002)

Oh, oh - be braced for the garage sale also - my mother was awful with the pricing - she wanted to put prices on so much of her stuff at the estate sale after my dad died that were nearly as much as buying new we really had problems - especially the last few hours that were "everything 1/2 price". She kept wanting to say "except this" or "I didn't mean that". And then she wanted us to keep it instead of giving it to charity afterwards.


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## Jan in CO (May 10, 2002)

OH, you folks are making my head ache at the thoughts of what's in store for me! Did this with my sister's house, and my mom's will be done, someday. She has gotten rid of alot of stuff, tho. Boxes of plastic lids, juice cans, etc. Things she has kept for YEARS. They were for crafts when she lived in Arizona during the winters, but has kept them for five years since she stopped going there! I filled an entire dumpster with that stuff after bringing it home. Jan in Co


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

Well Ladies, I got started yesterday - oh geez, have I got my work cut-out for me!
I'm not feeling well and DD and family had other errands to do and they've been sick too. So, I just decided to start out by throwing away all the papers, junk mail and old bills she had lying around. Well 2 or 3 hours and two tall trash cans later, I'd cleaned the LR and part of the FB up. 
I decided next week being a 3 day weekend will be a good time to move the furniture to storage, so, I didn't worry about not getting it moved yesterday.
And PTL - Mom and boyfriend were apparently out of town, so she wasn't there in the middle of everything.

I told DD & her BF to start looking for carpet for the LR and choosing the color of paint they want for the walls and such. That way they are accomplishing something, even if we're not physically in the house this week. I told them when they go over to do laundry, to take boxes and put them in the bedroom so we'll have them next weekend to pack stuff with.

Thanks for all your encouragement and suggestions. It sure helps knowing others of you have gone through the same thing. Your advice is invaluable to me!! :cowboy:


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## scgirl (Jan 25, 2005)

I thought my mom was the only one like this, lol. My mom has not only the house full of boxes, but also the garage and another large shed. She hides stuff in the boxes. Things like pictures and old letters, then laughs that when shes gone we'll have to go through everything. I haven't told her, but we'll just be having a large bonfire. NO WAY will I go through all her crap. When I try to get her to get rid of some stuff, she literally has to go through EVERY piece of paper. Ugh.....

I second getting the dumpster, will make it much easier.


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

scgirl said:


> I thought my mom was the only one like this, lol. My mom has not only the house full of boxes, but also the garage and another large shed. She hides stuff in the boxes. Things like pictures and old letters, then laughs that when shes gone we'll have to go through everything. I haven't told her, but we'll just be having a large bonfire. NO WAY will I go through all her crap. When I try to get her to get rid of some stuff, she literally has to go through EVERY piece of paper. Ugh.....
> 
> I second getting the dumpster, will make it much easier.


Geez - I understand!
I don't want my Mom to "help" - because she does the same thing, she picks up every scrap of paper and then comes across something that prompts her to take a stroll down memory lane. She gets in the way instead of being any help - poor thing!

We did have a break through last weekend though. She was so worried I'd take something, she and her BF went over and cleaned off her shelves in the LR and BR and now it will be easier to move her furniture out - PTL!!!!! They had his pickup, apparently. My DD and her BF saw it in the driveway. 
Maybe if I wait a few more weeks, she'll go get everything else - ROFL!! :bouncy:


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## Christine in OK (May 10, 2002)

Yeah - good luck with that!!

Hope you're not sweating it out too hard over there today. We had a triathlon this morning and I'm beat, so I came home, took pills and laid on the couch for an hour and a half. Now I'm up and trying to figure out what to do that will accomplish something and doesn't take too much effort...


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

Well, we went over yesterday and lo and behold her BF had talked her into getting rid of one of her couches - Yeah for him!!
So DD's BF & Mom's BF took it to the thrift store and donated it. They were over there working again yesterday moving more stuff to her BF's house - their going to have a garage sale over there - seems he's wanting to get rid of stuff too. He's actually talked her into thinning out her clothes and knick knacks. PTL - he's been a real God send in her life! :clap:
Yahoo - it means I won't have to worry about having one at her house. They've cleaned out 3 rooms of stuff. Now it will be easier to move the furniture she wants to keep into storage. 
We measured for carpet and plan to go look for some next weekend. In the meantime DD's BF is going to get a spray gun and paint the house before they re-carpet.

This has gone way better than I anticipated. At this rate DD and family can move in by July. :bouncy:


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## Christine in OK (May 10, 2002)

Christine in OK said:


> Yeah - good luck with that!!
> 
> Hope you're not sweating it out too hard over there today. We had a triathlon this morning and I'm beat, so I came home, took pills and laid on the couch for an hour and a half. Now I'm up and trying to figure out what to do that will accomplish something and doesn't take too much effort...


I forgot to say that the reason I took pills is that I have shingles! Went to the Dr. Friday and he diagnosed, sent me to an opthamologist (they're on my left eyelid, forehead and scalp), and gave me a prescription. I'm feeling somewhat better today, I think they may be on the run. 

I'm glad your mother has someone to urge her along the purging path besides you - believe me, when it's just you (and siblings), they don't go well. It's like digging in their heels and playing donkey.


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

OUVickie said:


> She says she wants to help, because she's afraid I'll get rid of stuff she doesn't want me to - but she gets in there and starts taking a trip down memory lane and we get absolutely nowhere!
> .


Sounds like my mother -- all attempts to help her clean failed as she always "might be able to use that one day". The day after she died, my brother (live in caretaker and executor of her estate) brought in a very large construction type dumpster and threw away almost everything. Unfortunatly he did not let myself or our other brother know and he did throw away some valuable antiques. He could have waited til we all came in for the funeral a few days later and we all could have helped. 
2 points for inititive but 0 points for execution.


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## Sabre3of4 (May 13, 2008)

I feel for you....
We are about to start the same thing with my granparent's house now that my grandfather has passed away. Some was cleared when my granny died bt there is still 3/4 of two hoarder's hoarding stuff for over 50 years left. Most of it in the garage and attic areas.

Sabrina


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## Billie in MO (Jun 9, 2002)

scgirl said:


> I thought my mom was the only one like this, lol. My mom has not only the house full of boxes, but also the garage and another large shed. She hides stuff in the boxes. Things like pictures and old letters, then laughs that when shes gone we'll have to go through everything. I haven't told her, but we'll just be having a large bonfire. NO WAY will I go through all her crap. When I try to get her to get rid of some stuff, she literally has to go through EVERY piece of paper. Ugh.....
> 
> I second getting the dumpster, will make it much easier.


Just a friendly little warning before you have that bonfire and to anyone faced with cleaning out a home after the death of a loved one. You may want to go thru every scrap of paper, or cookbooks, or any kind of books or clothes, or pocketbooks or dishes or just about anything. Why?? Because you never know what has been hidden.

My mother used to hide money, everywhere!!! My dad knew of a few places and so did I BUT after she died and he decided to start downsizing we started going thru things and found money in places we had no clue about. If we hadn't taken the time to take those few minutes down memory lane, thousands of dollars would have been lost.

Just a thought from someone who has been there!!


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

Billie in W. CO said:


> Just a friendly little warning before you have that bonfire and to anyone faced with cleaning out a home after the death of a loved one. You may want to go thru every scrap of paper, or cookbooks, or any kind of books or clothes, or pocketbooks or dishes or just about anything. Why?? Because you never know what has been hidden.
> 
> My mother used to hide money, everywhere!!! My dad knew of a few places and so did I BUT after she died and he decided to start downsizing we started going thru things and found money in places we had no clue about. If we hadn't taken the time to take those few minutes down memory lane, thousands of dollars would have been lost.
> 
> Just a thought from someone who has been there!!


Yep - I remember when my Mom and her siblings were moving my grandma back in the 80s. She had nearly $10k hidden in different spots. One old suitcase had over 3k in old money. My Mom said it was so old some of it had mold on it!
On the other hand, when my younger uncle moved my grandad and step-grandma, he didn't go through that place like my other Uncle suggested. No telling how much money the new owners found. My grandad was a hoarder and trusted no one - the new owners probably felt like they'd found a pot of gold! We'll never know.

I did find a wealth of documents and pictures, when I was cleaning one of Mom's bedrooms. I took them with me, because she'll just misplace them. Instead of letting us move the boxes into storage, she and her BF having moving them to his garage - much to his consternation. I told him if they would just stack them up, when I came over I'd put them in storage, but she's paranoid and apparently he's afraid to make her mad. I'll approach the subject once we get the furniture out. Once she has a key to the storage and her furniture is in there, maybe he can convince her to move the boxes in there too.

I'm limited on what I can do right now. I'm trying to do this during the weekend and I have a lot going on right now. 

Yesterday, my DD discovered a window A/C unit plugged in and running that was sitting in the floor of her garage. The only thing we can figure out, is that she'd plugged it in to check and see if it worked and forgot to unplug it. Good thing my DD was over there and could unplug it, otherwise it probably would have ended up starting a fire.
Mom unplugged her fridge about 3-4 months ago, but can't remember why. It still has some condiments and such in it and smells pretty bad now. I've asked her if it still works, she keeps swearing it does, but can't remember why she unplugged it. At first she told me my DD had done it, I told her "no - you unplugged it 3-4 mos. ago." She has no clue why.

It's a good thing she's not living by herself anymore. She's actually a danger to herself. Even though she wanted her car back, I've noticed her BF doesn't let her drive it. He still takes her everywhere. I think she just didn't want to feel like we'd taken it away from her. 

I'm so glad we won't be forced to do this with my in-laws. They've already signed papers and had their trust put in my DH's name. They have everything drawn up for when they get this bad. DH has power of attorney. At least that's one set of parents I won't have to worry about!!


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## Christine in OK (May 10, 2002)

Oh, sweetie. How old is your mother? It sounds just like what we're going through with mine, to a T. Everyone is out to get her stuff, and she doesn't realize what documents are valuable and what aren't. 

A few months ago she was having a fit about the file cabinet that was in her spare closet. It was daddy's, and I don't think she'd opened it at all until I came to help her clean out her closets (looking for something). I found the discharge papers from my paternal grandfather - WWI. And his birth certificate, which was in German - he didn't learn English until he started school. Some other stuff which is really nice to have too. 

I am going to take it to a framing place, and ask them what it would cost to frame a few of the most important pieces. I thought if it wasn't too much, my brother, sister and I might split the cost, and then maybe draw for the pieces. It's stuff we would all like to have.

Anyway, I'm rambling. How are things going this week?


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

Christine in OK said:


> Oh, sweetie. How old is your mother? It sounds just like what we're going through with mine, to a T. Everyone is out to get her stuff, and she doesn't realize what documents are valuable and what aren't.
> 
> Anyway, I'm rambling. How are things going this week?


She was 73 this year. It's slow this week. I'm thinking about taking Monday off so I won't be babysitting the grankids and trying to get stuff done.

It's a hoot trying to do this and deal with your mother, isn't it?
I never know what off the wall thing she's going to say next, or accuse someone of. 
Did I tell you she's been keeping her her jewelry in egg cartons? It's a good idea for keeping earrings seperated, but she has a jewelry box with places in it for those!

I have to laugh, otherwise I'd be cryin' all the time!


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## Christine in OK (May 10, 2002)

I understand. 

Mine has called me about 6 times in the last three days to tell me that she's got a Dr. Pepper cap that says she won something, but you have to go online and enter the code to find out what. Then once I actually get it, she'll ask me another 6 times what she won.

About two years after my dad died, my mom wound up in the hospital again. She was 73 then. I had a 2nd grader, a kindergartener, a 13 month old, and was dealing with medicare, dialysis, a mother who couldn't remember anything (at that time largely due to the heavy meds), and multiple Drs. I remember telling my sister that I was NOT supposed to have to deal with medicare and diapers at the same time!

Now, we've just about reached the point where she's just another one of my kids to deal with. I love her and I know this is just as frustrating for her as for me, but I try not to let her know that. I don't like seeing my mother, who always managed to do so much, not even be able to remember my kids' names half the time, or whether or not she's been to the Dr. last week. I'm glad for you that your mom at least has a boyfriend who can help deal with some of the everyday stuff.


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## Honeybee (Oct 16, 2002)

I would also start in the garage. Once it's done you can sort and store the things from the house in catagories neatly in the garage. I know folks who've made a small fortune doing this via garage sales and eBay.

Might as well look at it as an adventure - LOL (my mom is a total pack rat!) Maybe you can make enough for your mom to set aside. Good luck


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

I took Tuesday afternoon off and we got the furniture moved into storage. DD's BF is going to paint before we re-carpet the house and then he'll tile the kitchen and bath. 
DD bought a light bar for the bath at the thrift store for $4, it still had the $79 tag on it!
DD's BF is going to buy some tile for the kitchen from a friend of his at a discount price and my Mom already had new cerarmic tile for the bath, so that won't have to be bought.

Mom is so stressed about the stuff that went into storage. She had her BF take so much stuff to his house, they can't get any more into his garage. He asked if I'd help with the garage sale in the Fall, I told him that's the least I can do - although, I do dread it. My Mom has no common sense when it comes to pricing things anymore, so I'm afraid it will be stressful, but I'm just glad he's convinced her to get rid of stuff.
She keeps repeating over and over -"don't get rid of my stuff, now where's it going?"
It's just like having your kids pester you about something over and over and having to repeat yourself all the time - it makes you want to SCREAM!
I'll be so glad when she gets all of her clothes out and they get moved in. Maybe at that point she'll calm down and stop stressing out so much, when she sees they're improving things and not taking any of her stuff.

It really is sad to watch your parents go downhill mentally. I'm fortunate, Christine, my Mom is healthy, physically. You have my empathy and prayers with your mother, you've got it much harder than me.
Her BF is so patient with her. He's diabetic, but seems to have a pretty good memory. They go to dances all the time and I think that's what keeps her healthy. She's not as confused when she's not stressed out so bad, so maybe once things calm down she'll 
do a little better. 
I know I will - LOL!!


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## Christine in OK (May 10, 2002)

I believe you are right about the dancing. I firmly believe when my mother sat her butt in that chair and stopped - sewing, crocheting, cooking, cleaning, everything - is when her problems started.

Be bracing yourself for that sale. It won't be easy for you or for her.


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