# To single?



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Those that know my story know it was very traumatic to have my 30 year marriage end.
I totally loved being a wife, caring for my ex. and our home. 
It was a very tricky adjustment to be single, come back from work to an empty house...to have tons of free time, to not have that sweet day to day connection.

Now 5 years later,I am use to having the freedom to come and go as I please, cook or not, usually not... : ) and all the other things that go with being single.

I'm not sure whether I'm at a place of acceptance or I've just given up on the experience of another partner. 
There have been some nice men that have crossed my path but I am not interested in pursuing anything other than friendship.......

Does anyone get what I'm talking about? 
How is your experience as a single person going?


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Your about there. U get to where you think how it might b nice to have someone to do things with, but then old memories stir up, and you think about how free your life is now. It comes and goes. It comes and goes till your around 60+, then it comes a bit more oftener and you don't remember the bad times so badly.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

I'm going the opposite direction. I've been single for 12 years now and I'm ready for a relationship. I'm working on getting myself back out there. I don't have to be married but I definitely want to be involved lol


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Yep. I know exactly what you are saying. I have become comfortable with my singledom. Maybe too comfortable.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Im comfortable with mine. I just get to thinking whenever I see one of those (Ive fallen and I cant get up commercials.


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## FarmerJoe (Nov 14, 2009)

I was single for 19 yrs. before being married for 17. I hope I never get comfortable with single again.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

It's been 5 years since the world as I knew it went up in flames.
It was a long hard road........but March of this year; I turned a corner for the better.
(Finally)
They say 1 year of grieving for every 5 years of marriage.
It would have been 25 this year. (we were together 2 years prior).

I am ready to get out and make friends.
Guy friends. 
If something happens, cool. If not, well I have a friends.

I like being single, but I don't like being alone right now.
If that makes sense.
I like being able to be 'me' w/o all the bs, but I would like to sleep skin on skin.
That kind of stuff.

I haven't given up cause I haven't even started!!! 
It took me a long time to get on MY feet.......so I have hit the ground running and I'm gonna make me some friends!!


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## Steve_S (Feb 25, 2015)

Yes it takes a while, longer if the split is not amicable & friendly... I was told there is a "guideline" that says something like, for every year your in a relationship, it will take 2 months per year... so if married 10 years, then 20 months. At first I thought that was Horse Hockey but realized, nope, it's not. While "hostilities continue" no healing takes place and so the krud has to stop before you can heal and move on... I thought that was a bit much too BUT it turned out to be true as well... So I guess the Psychologists & Psychiatrists that figured this out weren't far off the mark...

Give yourself all the time you need to feel right & good about yourself and when your comfortable with yourself things will fall into place. YOU are the only person that matters (well except your kids if you have'm, they are #1 in my book anyways). Sure none of us like to be alone, it's not how we were built but that does not make it 'mandatory'.

After my divorce, hostilities continued till she was jailed at which time the circus came to an abrupt end... Thank Goodness. I wasn't looking nor interested in anything other than moving forward with life and without stress of dealing with someone else. It took me 7 years before I let someone in and that was with serious caution & hesitation and only after a year of chatting and getting to know her first... ( I have kids and they are always the first consideration) I'm glad it worked out the way it has... Maggie is an absolutely wonderful woman with a tremendous heart and not a mean bone in her (although I have seen protection mode), it's been great.

You know what though.... I know it sounds a bit silly but true nevertheless... While your looking for something, you won't find it, then when you stop and just go about your business, what you have sought will appear out of the blue... The CATCH is to recognize it when you see it ! And if you do meet someone and they are "in a rush" step back and pause... That's a flag to be aware of and taking your time will weed out the undesirables who are in a rush. Taking time also benefits you by going past the "Honeymoon Stage" where everything is peachy & wonderful and the other can do no wrong.... Let reality settle in and see how good, bad & intermediate times are handled and if the other person stays true to what is initially presented... You know, everyone always puts on their Best Face when meeting new folks.


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## pairofthrees (Apr 28, 2016)

I was only with my ex 12 years, not 30, but it sounds completely normal to me. I've been on my own for 6 years, have dated on and off, but I'm still not thinking of marriage again. I enjoy my freedom and will still go out but I still usually prefer a night in with my dogs over a date.


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## Nsoitgoes (Jan 31, 2016)

roadless said:


> Now 5 years later,I am use to having the freedom to come and go as I please, cook or not, usually not... : ) and all the other things that go with being single.
> 
> I'm not sure whether I'm at a place of acceptance or I've just given up on the experience of another partner.
> There have been some nice men that have crossed my path but I am not interested in pursuing anything other than friendship.......
> ...


I am widowed, not divorced, but I know exactly what you are talking about. I am, for the first time in my life, truly independent with no-one to answer to other than myself, and I like it. A lot.

Now - as to another partner. When I was younger it was generally assumed that a woman's dream was to get married and "live happily ever after". Times have changed, and I think that as the world of careers has made women more financially independent it has made them emotionally so, too. 

The truth is that nowadays I do not *need* a man for anything. So I am free to chose to have one in my life or not. That gives a totally different perspective. I am perfectly happy with my current relationship, or I will be when he is finally moved down here. We can meet when we want to. There is no obligation to be together 24/7. We take it in turns to cook. We clean our own houses. I don't have to pick up his dirty socks. He doesn't have to love my yappy dogs. 

There *is* a strong emotional connection/attraction, which we both acknowledge, but it is not the be-all and end-all of my life.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

To single or not to single, that is the question.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

yup, that about says it. BUT, its way easier to remain single, than it is to find somebody right sos your not single anymore. At least for a man it is.


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## Nsoitgoes (Jan 31, 2016)

FarmboyBill said:


> yup, that about says it. BUT, its way easier to remain single, than it is to find somebody right sos your not single anymore. At least for a man it is.


I think that nowadays men are finding that they have to make more of an effort. In the days when a wedding ring was a status symbol and an unmarried woman was "an old maid" men generally had it easier catching a woman. Nowadays when women earn their own living, own their own home, have their own interests, it takes quite a lot to lure them away. They have a lot more to lose and a lot less to gain.


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## COSunflower (Dec 4, 2006)

I was married 32 years and have been divorced 11. My ex and I are still friends and always will be. I'm friends with his current wife also. I enjoyed my freedom and independence BEFORE I was married and I'm enjoying it again NOW! I have no NEED to get married and have a best friend relationship with Mr. Wonderful who I've known for the last 5 years. He's been divorced for 25 years and feels the same. We live 2 houses from each other and talk on the phone and visit at each other's houses 2-3 times a day. We both like our "alone" time but have a ball and lots of laughs when together.  It works for us and I don't ever plan on getting married again.


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## WolfWalksSoftly (Aug 13, 2004)

This Wolf has adapted to walking alone, but much prefers having a mate 
to provide and defend for.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I think you about said it right N


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## Vickie44 (Jul 27, 2010)

The older I get the more I enjoy being by myself


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## Nsoitgoes (Jan 31, 2016)

Vickie44 said:


> The older I get the more I enjoy being by myself


I don't enjoy being by myself, exactly. I enjoy having that option should I chose it. After DH semi-retired he could work from home most of the time. Which meant he was home 24/7. After a 35 year long marriage in which he spent perhaps half of his working life away on job sites, that was quite the change. It changed the dynamic of our relationship to an extent - and not (from my perspective) necessarily for the better.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I don't think people are truly happy in whatever situation they find themselves in,


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## WolfWalksSoftly (Aug 13, 2004)

I've been happy in many different situations.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Happy
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: 
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: 
3. favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: 

I am, content.
Today? 
Over joyed at being a Mimi, that my daughter and grand baby are healthy.
Sad, at the way things are with us.
Elated that I was FHA approved today and it looks like Aug 19th, I will become a home owner.
Hopeful that God will knit my 3 kids and me back together.

Being a slow learner, I am finding that when emotions are in the drivers seat, straight in the ditch things go.
Less emotion, more logic.


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Woohoo, ya got the Loan!
I hope things continue to turn around for you Laura!


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## Determined 1 (Dec 26, 2020)

roadless said:


> Those that know my story know it was very traumatic to have my 30 year marriage end.
> I totally loved being a wife, caring for my ex. and our home.
> It was a very tricky adjustment to be single, come back from work to an empty house...to have tons of free time, to not have that sweet day to day connection.
> 
> ...


Wow. I could have written this myself. Down to the 5 yrs divorced. 
I don't like to think about being alone forever but I do enjoy the freedom and self confidence it has given me. 
Quite frankly though, I wouldn't even know how to date.


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## Wolf mom (Mar 8, 2005)

Only way I'd have a honey, is if he lived down the street and around the corner. Men my age seem to want a cook, cleaner, watch "the game" and have the little wife go along with what he wants. I think it's cultural. Younger people seem to be freer.


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## RideBarefoot (Jun 29, 2008)

I think I could go for the "you in your house next door" kind of thing. At least for starters.


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## Rural Kanuck (Apr 13, 2020)

Interesting conversation mostly from the lady's point of view so as a 75 yr old male who not to long ago lost his companion (wife if you prefer that tag) of 40 years I thought I would throw my hat in the door.


After that long on this ball of dirt I have had remarkably few really close friends or couples but of those few dozen I have known I can only recall one who outdid me who survived (enjoyed) more years than I with his partner. I am not sure if that says more about us males or the choices made by others but either way I find the inability of 'modern' couples to maintain a long term relationship troubling.


Other than my adult married daughter I have no female friends and few other 'contacts' male or female, sad really after 75 years. Given the general theme of this thread I will say that after 2 years without a female in the household I feel the loss greatly, sadly it is now more about any female input rather that loss of my long standing 'companion (and I use that description deliberately, wife does not describe it sufficiently).


Given the above I wonder how anyone finds a 'lifetime' partner, is it luck, tolerant individuals, that strange thing they call love, the amount of 'social interaction' (particularly in rural areas) or what....


Ladies, it would seem to be that is just as tough to live without that 'special' person by your side for guys as it is for the galls, but then I am biased having lost my anchor of 40 years.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

i had 42 with my love. i had a little hobby farm so i had lots of work. that helped. it's not the same as it was 40 years ago. you have to be real careful . lots of scammers and takers. you only have to listen to the news to find people who have lost their life savings. home etc. men and women. ~Georgia


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## Macrocarpus (Jan 30, 2018)

It seems that more women than men here just "don't care" about a real relationship. 

I lost my wife of 47 years, 5 months and 21 days in 2008. We knew for almost five years that her condition was terminal, and she knew that I was not fit to live alone. One of the last things she told me was that I should get out and find another. 

It does not work that easily. For a year and a day I wore the black ring and kept the black wreath over the door. I talked to women, and tried to live as a single man, but never made a real connection---After that year I put myself out there and met some really nice women--some far away, some just unsuitable (it is just plain unfair for an older man to tie up a young woman no matter how willing she might be).. Then one day, it happened--a woman my own age, responsible, self reliant, a widow like myself and one who had a good marriage and liked being married. 
Going on eleven years now and no end in sight.

I sometimes think about those ladies of the past---I hope that each and every one of them found happiness..


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Chuck, theres a forum called Okla homesteading on a small farm. A gal in their tried to start a match making deal. Never got a bite from either side. just the other day she asked, after around 3 months, IF there had been any get togethers. Not an answer one.


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## Macrocarpus (Jan 30, 2018)

LOL, Bill until this pandemic is over I would not date a woman at all until I had seen her locked away safely, scrubbed, sanitized and washed for three weeks.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

for sure. way i feel also. coming up to a year now since anyone was here except my son for a few min every week. and all i do is mask up run to the store every 3 weeks or so grab what i want and come on back. Georgia


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Nothing on the forum, was mentioned about 19


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