# Help... meddling mother-in-law



## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

Well here's the story as short as I can make it:

-We've been homeschooling for almost 2 years now.
-We're about to have to leave TX and move to MA due to DH's job suddenly changing.
-MIL (living in MA) sent DH a message stating that she thought we should put DD (who is 8) in public school at least for a year once we move up there.

She says it is because DH will be gone for the next year and DD will be going through enough stress with the move and leaving her home state and not having dad around. She also says that she can't imagine that I will be able to give my DD an adequate education because I'll have 3 other children under the age of 3 (one being a newborn). And... last but not least... she doesn't feel that DD will be socialized enough.

This aggravates me because:

-My daughter socializes via other activities such as gymnastics, playgroups, co-ops and so on.
-We haven't even moved yet and she's sticking her nose in our business.
-DH and I are not willing to compromise on homeschooling.

Please help give me some better ways of dealing with this short of calling her up and telling her to stay out of it. :flame:


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

PS.. my plan is that we take our 3 month 'summer vacation' June, July and Aug this year instead of Oct, Nov, Dec since the baby is due in June. This gives us time to get on track and then get back into a routine.


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## Montanarchist (Feb 24, 2005)

I would have my spouse talk to their parent. They should be polite but firm that you guys have the kid's best interest in mind, and them questioning your decisions implies that they think you guys are either a)stupid b)don't care about your kids or c)both.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

She is your child and you know what is best for her. I would kindly thank your MIL for her concern and reassure her that you have her granddaughter's best interests in mind. After that, let your husband deal with her!


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

This sounds like a good plan. When you think about it, kids are 'socialized' (at least freely) only during PE classes, recess, and sometimes lunch (depending on grade level... I remember having lots of 'no talking' during lunch period as a grade-schooler). 

My daughter is used to playdates, gymnastics, music makers groups, or other socializing ops during the week that greatly outweigh public school's 'social' standards. Maybe I'm wrong, but sitting in a classroom all day with 29 other students isn't necessarily 'socializing'. My kids is able to talk 90% of the day as opposed to just 20%.

Just me.


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## Elffriend (Mar 2, 2003)

Oh, yeah, let's take an 8 yr old who is already going to be in a stressful situation with moving and a new baby and add to it by putting her into public school!

Start looking for a homeschool support group in MA that will be local to where you will be living. If they have a yahoo group, join it. Find out what sorts of clubs and activities they have and let your MIL know that your DD will be getting adequate social time.


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## Roamschooler (Mar 29, 2008)

ohhhh I have one of those.

She said a lot of the same things for a long time...until she saw the fruits of what we're doing...now she's a huge homeschooling advocate. Funny, cuz she usually wont admit that I did anything right, lol...

I agree that your dh should address it. Tell her that this is a decision that has been made by your family about your children, and invite her to come along on a "field trip" or come by for a day to see the studies. That was a huge turning point for my IL's...once they saw them "in action" their viewpoints changed. Ultimately, whether or not "outsiders" change their opinion(s) is irrelevant, but in our case, it helped to include them.

Good luck!! I know exactly how you're feeling.

Andrea
www.hopefulhousewife.com


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

I don't get it. No one seems to care when your kid is getting the sham in public school, but the minute you are homeschooling, everyone is suddenly concerned with the quality of education and socialism your child is receiving. BUTT OUT! Sorry.. mini-rant there.

DH sent her quite the email response back:

*As far as Lauren going to school is concerned, it's a fine line we walk between asking all of you for help, and then asking that no one interfere with our Rights and methods to and of parenting. We are exclusively committed to home-schooling and deem it to be in everyone&#8217;s interest of reason and tranquility to not try to interfere with that aspiration. Should we ourselves prevaricate, and follow a dissimilar line, it will be wholly dependent on what our needs and determinations as a family dictate on that occasion.
However, we would not consider sending Lauren to Texas schools for reasons of an abundance of qualitative scholastic ineptitude. Conversely Massachusetts schools, and schools in the Northeast as a general rule, while significantly superior to schools elsewhere in the country academically, lack dreadfully in areas of probity and in regard to Constitutional ideals, doctrine, and in the level of cognizance awarded to Civic substance.
You know that we believe in several &#8220;old hat&#8221; principles and that we have become affixed to the validation that dictates autonomy in all aspects of American verve. By endorsing a State-run school in any capacity is to undermine the sovereignty of the Constitution, and uniformly our Rights and practice under the Constitution.
Our children will on no account be deficient in areas of genuine substance, and providing the entire school system refuses to acknowledge God and continues to propagate subversive insurrection to the Constitution, we will no sooner acknowledge any other avenue than to secure our Rights as parents, and our compulsion to this country, to withhold from collective squalor and to retain our liberty as well as our children&#8217;s Rights to resist Fascist indoctrination.
Lauren, as most Home-schooled children, is in point of fact much better prepared to encounter any social milieu, as they vary with greater frequency than in an emblematic classroom setting. In a classroom you are delimited by the same group day after day and year after year while tied to a chair for the preponderance of the day, told not to speak but to listen, and are regimented in what is in fact a lack of social multiplicity and offered no recourse for divergence from an insensate, strictly controlled, and cold bureaucratic program. In contrast, being Home-schooled offers diversity in people with whom you convene, an element of disruption in arrangement which encourages adaptability and analytical remedy techniques, and a resolute exertion in expounding upon individual potential, as well as cultivating that potential. If only everyone was as blessed as we are to afford this occasion to their children. We know that you and everyone up there are just concerned and are tirelessly trying to facilitate doing what we all indisputably trust is paramount for these kids, but Brandy and I have given considerable deliberation to this as we do with all aspects we introduce into their lives, and are as of yet reluctant to deviate.
Maybe after the summer we will reassess, after all when it comes to what is best for your kids it is in no way a good suggestion to charge. However, it will be a verdict that Brandy and I will come to on our own, dependent on what our own needs and ability are as a family.*


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## jesuisdiana (May 24, 2004)

wow - great response


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## Montanarchist (Feb 24, 2005)

Great response. I would have included something about how the little amount of positive child/child interaction in most pubic schools is small in comparison to the bullying. Also something about the historical basis of our schools in training factory workers who won't question authority and promptly respond to bells. Maybe you guys should buy her a copy of John Gatto's excellent book Dumbing Us Down


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## akhomesteader (Jan 5, 2006)

If you are not already a member, you might also want to consider joining Home School Legal Defense Association (HSLDA). I've read that most complaints to CPS about homeschooling families come from family members. It is terribly common. If you already know you have family members who are opposed to your decision to homeschool, they could end up causing serious problems for your family. HSLDA helps their members fight CPS in such cases. Best wishes!


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

Akhomesteader, you're right, and I'm glad you mentioned it. I said something to DH the other night, jokingly, that she would be the one to turn us in to someone if she felt our daughter was 'suffering' from 'lack of education'. My daughter is incredibly bright, and I believe that living up there so close to them, she will see this. We've never lived by them, so this will be an adventure for her - getting to know her grandchildren!

I think you guys are right though, I think she will change her mind once she has been around us and had the opportunity to be involved in some of our schooling activities!

I have also already found a homeschooling group up there that goes to different activities together (field trips and such) that we may be joining. We haven't had access to something like that here, locally.


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## rosehaven (Nov 5, 2004)

I've homeschooled our children since birth and both my mom and mil were not supportive and they are still not supportive. It's been 14 years........so that said it's NOT your job to convince your mil for homeschooling. She may never agree but that's her problem. God gave the children to you and your husband NOT your mil. Love and pray for your mil that is the best thing you can do for her BUT don't try to convince her. Your main priorities are to your husband and children.

Hugs and Many blessings to you........


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## Jakk (Aug 14, 2008)

rosehaven said:


> I've homeschooled our children since birth and both my mom and mil were not supportive and they are still not supportive. It's been 14 years........so that said it's NOT your job to convince your mil for homeschooling. She may never agree but that's her problem. God gave the children to you and your husband NOT your mil. Love and pray for your mil that is the best thing you can do for her BUT don't try to convince her. Your main priorities are to your husband and children.
> 
> Hugs and Many blessings to you........


What she said...


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## Tiempo (May 22, 2008)

I fully support your right to educate your children as you see fit, but that letter was.....


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## Ladyhen (Aug 28, 2004)

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/dec/13/home-schooling-socialization-not-problem/


By Michael Smith

One of the most persistent criticisms of home-schooling is the accusation that home-schoolers will not be able to fully participate in society because they lack "socialization." It's a challenge that reaches right to the heart of home-schooling, because if a child isn't properly socialized, how will that child be able to contribute to society?

Since the re-emergence of the home-school movement in the late 1970s, critics of home-schooling have perpetuated two myths. The first concerns the ability of parents to adequately teach their own children at home; the second is whether home-schooled children will be well-adjusted socially.

Proving academic success is relatively straightforward. Today, it is accepted that home-schoolers, on average, outperform their public school peers. The most recent study, "Homeschool Progress Report 2009," conducted by Brian Ray of the National Home Education Research Institute, surveyed more than 11,000 home-schooled students. It showed that the average home-schooler scored 37 percentile points higher on standardized achievement tests than the public school average.

The second myth, however, is more difficult to address because children who were home-schooled in appreciable numbers in the late 1980s and early 1990s are only now coming of age and in a position to demonstrate they can succeed as adults.

Home-school families across the nation knew criticisms about adequate socialization were ill-founded â they had the evidence right in their own homes. In part to address this question from a research perspective, the Home School Legal Defense Association commissioned a study in 2003 titled "Homeschooling Grows Up," conducted by Mr. Ray, to discover how home-schoolers were faring as adults. The news was good for home-schooling. In all areas of life, from gaining employment, to being satisfied with their home-schooling, to participating in community activities, to voting, home-schoolers were more active and involved than their public school counterparts.

Until recently, "Homeschooling Grows Up" was the only study that addressed the socialization of home-schooled adults. Now we have a new longitudinal study titled "Fifteen Years Later: Home-Educated Canadian Adults" from the Canadian Centre for Home Education. This study surveyed home-schooled students whose parents participated in a comprehensive study on home education in 1994. The study compared home-schoolers who are now adults with their peers. The results are astounding.

When measured against the average Canadians ages 15 to 34 years old, home-educated Canadian adults ages 15 to 34 were more socially engaged (69 percent participated in organized activities at least once per week, compared with 48 percent of the comparable population). Average income for home-schoolers also was higher, but perhaps more significantly, while 11 percent of Canadians ages 15 to 34 rely on welfare, there were no cases of government support as the primary source of income for home-schoolers. Home-schoolers also were happier; 67.3 percent described themselves as very happy, compared with 43.8 percent of the comparable population. Almost all of the home-schoolers â 96 percent â thought home-schooling had prepared them well for life.

This new study should cause many critics to rethink their position on the issue of socialization. Not only are home-schoolers actively engaged in civic life, they also are succeeding in all walks of life. Many critics believed, and some parents feared, that home-schoolers would not be able to compete in the job market. But the new study shows home-schoolers are found in a wide variety of professions. Being home-schooled has not closed doors on career choices.

The results are a great encouragement to all home-schooling families and to parents thinking about home-schooling. Home-schoolers, typically identified as being high academic achievers, also can make the grade in society.

Both "Homeschooling Grows Up" and "Fifteen Years Later" amply demonstrate home-school graduates are active, involved, productive citizens. Home-school families are leading the way in Canadian and American education, and this new study clearly demonstrates home-school parents are on the right path.

To read the full study or a synopsis, visit www.hslda.ca/cche.


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## HTWannabee (Jan 19, 2007)

Just a note that I am in MA, south of Boston, and homeschooling. If you want to talk off list about MA feel free to PM me. There are many HS groups here. You can get links to MassHope from the HSLDA website. If you are not a member of HSLDA I second the idea of joining just in case and become familiar with MA laws which are vastly different than Texas. That said though, it is not hard to do but there are more regulations. 

Also, my DH was away in Iraq for 1.5 years and socialization was not an issue.


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## mrs.H (Mar 6, 2003)

therunbunch said:


> I don't get it. No one seems to care when your kid is getting the sham in public school, but the minute you are homeschooling, everyone is suddenly concerned with the quality of education and socialism your child is receiving. BUTT OUT! Sorry.. mini-rant there.
> 
> DH sent her quite the email response back:


Wow!! My hero! A man who stands up for his wife and family! What a blessed woman you are. What a blessed family!

My two youngest were in public school and I was thrilled to get them away from that "socialism". Fights on the bus, fights in the restroom, fights on the playground. Kids who cursed like sailors. Kids bringing their dads porn to school to share in the lunch room. (I was a lunch room monitor one year.) Baggy pants, little boys waring much bigger earrings than me. Strepp(sp?) throat every month. 

Public school is not the same place that you mil went to as a child.


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## TractorNut (Feb 22, 2010)

therunbunch said:


> Akhomesteader, you're right, and I'm glad you mentioned it. I said something to DH the other night, jokingly, that she would be the one to turn us in to someone if she felt our daughter was 'suffering' from 'lack of education'. My daughter is incredibly bright, and I believe that living up there so close to them, she will see this. We've never lived by them, so this will be an adventure for her - getting to know her grandchildren!
> 
> I think you guys are right though, I think she will change her mind once she has been around us and had the opportunity to be involved in some of our schooling activities!
> 
> I have also already found a homeschooling group up there that goes to different activities together (field trips and such) that we may be joining. We haven't had access to something like that here, locally.


I don't know MA laws but her in CT your MIL wouldn't have a leg to stand on. School's try to scare parents when they take their kids out of the school system and basically BREAK the law in doing so. One would think "they" would know the laws. We have a lawyer in our group and they stories I hear through my wife is crazy. 

My mother is the same as your MIL. She always makes comments about homeschooling and the "lack" of schooling they get each day but one of her grandkids has trouble speaking at 9 years old. I just tell her "yup the public school system is doing a good job with her" and she all of a sudden changes conversation. Funny how that happens


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## FarmerChick (Dec 28, 2009)

You allow it to "get to you"
Do what I do when someone suggests anything I have no intention of doing---smile and nod and say hmmm and finish the conversation with I will think about it...lol and you never do...haha You don't have to debate anything about YOUR life with anyone. Don't think you must---so just walk away and give the old nod and move forward with life the way you want. No biggie actually lol


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