# Dealing with negative perceptions and judgments about homeschool



## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

I have had zero trouble telling a stranger "what for" in the past about homeschooling. 

My problem is extended family like grandparents etc. We have a close knit family who are not short on opinions or internal gossip. :smack

I'm feeling a lot of pressure, internally, on how to justify my decision. I do have good reasons, it's just hard to express it to people who have doubts. Aside from that, and more importantly I wonder how I can demonstrate that my children are doing well since we won't have report cards. I want family support but will have a lot of hoops to jump through in order to get it.

How did you deal with this?


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## mekasmom (Jan 19, 2010)

You don't have to demonstrate or prove anything to anyone. You are the parent, they are not. If they refuse to respect your decision then you cut ties, or at least restrict ties until they can keep their mouths closed about the issue. You don't have to have everyone's approval. You dont' have to make other people happy. You be a helpmeet to your husband, a mother to your children and please God. Everyone else's opinion is irrelevant.
If they start talking to you about the issue, just tell them, "I will not discuss this with you. These are the children God entrusted to us. We are doing what pleases Him."
If they refuse to leave the issue alone then either hang up the phone or leave. And tell them, "Unless you stop harassing me about this, we cannot talk (phone) or visit." You make the rule. They just cannot harass you.

You don't have to please other people, not even parents, sisters, family.... You just care for your family and please God. You don't have to demonstrate your children's learning to other people. You don't have to have their approval. You are a big girl. You can do what you should do without the approval and fanfare of your parents, inlaws, siblings, etc.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

Don't letother people's hangups get to you most people are parrots and do not think through hwat they are told/hear. What matters os that you are confident in teachign your kids , too many kids fall thru the cracks in public schooling sure they get an education but there are a lot of issues. I used to laugh when people would ask about socialization especially after they had just conversed with my kids!! My soin used to be chased down by the locals Hibernians since most ahd seen him dance at Irish events, and they would chat him up and comment on how he didnt act like a typical teen!LOL

If you haven't watched this video watch it!! It explains a lot about the schools and why they are not a perfect fit for everyone!
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN7QfjIcVvA[/ame]


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## rxkeith (Apr 13, 2009)

you don't need to get into it with anybody, even close knit family members. it will just wear you out.
if they say what about socialization, this is what joel salatin has to say. we don't want our children to be socialized. we want them to be sociable.

our son is eight and home schooled. he is comfortable in many settings, and not afraid to talk to anyone. he knows everyone at the library, and they know him. he is going to become the person he is meant to be BECAUSE he didn't go to the robot factory for 12 years.
we don't grade or follow a curriculum. we unschool. our son is having a blast learning about things that interest him, and we have learned a lot too.
you don't need to demonstrate your child is learning. kids learn. you just need to let them. i would discourage attempts by family members to quiz your child. thats disrespectful.
if family members are so sure that you off your nut homeschooling, give them a list of reading literature. have them read some of john holts and john taylor gattos' books. they will help explain the shortcomings of traditional schooling. tell them we can have a discussion after they read the books. most people are ignorant about the home schooling process, so keep that in mind when they say why homeschooling is wrong or will leave your child behind, or,,,,or,,,or 
at first some family members questioned our decision to home school, but they see how our son is maturing, and now it is a non issue. 



keith


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## Mme_Pickles (Nov 15, 2011)

I have a similar issue in my family. I put up with it for years because we lived out of state and so rarely saw or talked to these people. Now that we live in the same state (in fact, just a bit down the road), they are able to see for themselves how well adjusted my children really are. And how confident in many different and varied situations. And how verbal yet respectable they are. And yet.... And yet it still isn't enough. I finally had to put my foot down just the other day (again!) and pointed out that no one will ever have the same experience as anyone else. No one will ever have the same school experience. The only way to come even close is to attend the same school. And even then, you will still have different memories, opportunities, etc than the kid sitting next to you! The main problem with nay-sayers is that they usually have zero experience with homeschooling. Or they have such limited experience. My mother has used these two kids (that's right: TWO!!!) that she worked with as a "prime example of how homeschooled kids can't function in the real world". I end up sitting with my mouth open thinking, "How on earth can any intelligent person truly believe that the public school system truly prepares ANYone for the 'real world'????" Anywho.
Only you can decided where to draw the line and then stick to it. We have stopped overnighters at the homes of family that are outwardly vocal against our kids' schooling. You don't have to agree with me but don't you _dare_ try to turn them against their parents' decisions 'cause it's not how you'd do it. The best to you in this! Be strong! Be brave! And remember, they are _your_ kids, not anyone else's.


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

Your girls are still too young for regular school anyway. Why the fuss now? 

With my MIL I just stopped talking about it. She would ask how they were doing in school and they would say, "fine".


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

Near as I can tell, this has nothing whatsoever to do with homeschooling and everything to do with respect. :shrug:

Either they respect your decisions as a parent or they don't. 
There is no need for argument.


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

Danaus29 said:


> Your girls are still too young for regular school anyway.


My dd 3 1/2 is in an early childhood program due to her speech delay. She has made huge gains and has a wonderful teacher. The bar has been set very high for her progress thus far. The teacher really is amazing and has a 1 to 5 ratio. I am pleased with it so far, not a single complaint. DH and I never intended for our kids to do public school but dd transitioned from early intervention straight to early childhood at the school district when she turned 3. She is happy there so it makes the decision hard to follow through on. Plus, the family is genuinely concerned with her situation. If she had zero delays it would be a non issue. My original intent was to utilize the special services to get her caught up and then to withdraw her by the end of K or sooner. I am feeling more pressure to move forward these days though.


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## Sonshine (Jul 27, 2007)

hintonlady said:


> I have had zero trouble telling a stranger "what for" in the past about homeschooling.
> 
> My problem is extended family like grandparents etc. We have a close knit family who are not short on opinions or internal gossip. :smack
> 
> ...


Why not do report cards? Do you do end of the year testings? How about quarterly? If so, you can always show them that. If you plan on homeschooling K through 12 you'll need to learn how to do GPA's anyways so you can do transcripts, so record keeping would be beneficial to you anyway. Keeping progress reports will also help you see where they are improving or where they need additional help.

When we told my in laws we were going to homeschool they weren't too happy about it. My DS is a special needs child and they figured he would be better taught by a professional. I explained to them that by homeschooling him he will get one on one help and I could create a curriculum that fits him and his needs. It took a couple of years but now they are my staunches supporters.


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## Belfrybat (Feb 21, 2003)

hintonlady said:


> My dd 3 1/2 is in an early childhood program due to her speech delay. She has made huge gains and has a wonderful teacher. The bar has been set very high for her progress thus far. The teacher really is amazing and has a 1 to 5 ratio. I am pleased with it so far, not a single complaint. DH and I never intended for our kids to do public school but dd transitioned from early intervention straight to early childhood at the school district when she turned 3. She is happy there so it makes the decision hard to follow through on. Plus, the family is genuinely concerned with her situation. If she had zero delays it would be a non issue. My original intent was to utilize the special services to get her caught up and then to withdraw her by the end of K or sooner. I am feeling more pressure to move forward these days though.


That puts a whole 'nother spin on the issue. Unless you are a trained speech/ cognitive therapist, you might be harming her by pulling her out at the end of kindergarten. She's young enough that at this point it appears the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. I can understand why your family is cautious. 

I used to be adamantly againt homeschooling due to the fact it appeared it was done to segregate the children from others not like them. But my stance has changed in the past few years. Some children can really benefit from homeschooling if the parents make sure they are socialized with all kinds of people, but special needs children often do better in a more structured environment at least for the first few grades. Good luck on your decision.


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

Belfrybat said:


> That puts a whole 'nother spin on the issue. Unless you are a trained speech/ cognitive therapist, you might be harming her by pulling her out at the end of kindergarten. She's young enough that at this point it appears the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. I can understand why your family is cautious.
> 
> I used to be adamantly againt homeschooling due to the fact it appeared it was done to segregate the children from others not like them. But my stance has changed in the past few years. Some children can really benefit from homeschooling if the parents make sure they are socialized with all kinds of people, but special needs children often do better in a more structured environment at least for the first few grades. Good luck on your decision.


 
I guess that I should have mentioned that we do have an insurance covered speech therapist that comes to the house. 

Does that change your opinion? I realize it is my decision ultimately but I appreciate other peoples perspective. It kind of helps me process my own thoughts.

I'm also going to ask the speech therapist about it. She loves the idea of me homeschooling but I hadn't mentioned how soon I wanted to start.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

hintonlady

you obviously have your kids' best interests at heart andare being proactive in dealing with her speech issue. As long as you follow thru on it whrther ina school environemtn or privately she will be fine. Sometimes it is worse oin the school environemnt becsue as she gets older sh ewill be teased and hate to say it but I had issues with my eldest in that her teachers half the time were totally unaware of the fact she had been inspeech therapy and felt some of her delays wre for other reasons!! Droveme nuts! I also have a son who s colour blind doi you think one teacher looked in his file when they felt somethign was "off"?Nope I usually lade a point of informing them of it at th eOpen House after school had ben in session for about 4-6 weeks and none of them knew it! Sothen they wonder why a kid won't answer a question on apicture when he can't get the colours right? DUH!

Do what is best for you and your kids, people have lost touch with th efact that the people who should know the kids best ARE the parents NOT the teachers!


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

time. smiles. "I understand your concerns, but this is the direction we are choosing to go for now. Let's just wait and see." If you do a good job, those who are the most concerned right now will in the end become your greatest advocates. All of the grandparents were alarmed at first. That was 13 years ago. I am graduating my first kid this year, with multiple scholarship opportunities and lots of great experiences under his belt... marathons, trips overseas he couldn't have taken if he were in school, cross country team (a very schooly eperience at the local school =0). Currently, I am downloading his first professionally produced album that he saved his money and had recorded. Yea. Just don't let it be a topic for discussion, and then give it time. Oh, and lots of PR. every time your kid does something great, make sure the family knows about it. People can't argue with success. Oh, and btw, my kid had speech problems at first too. He is an aspie. He has really thrived at home. Educational psychologist reccommended homeschooling in the first place. Things are different now, and even "experts" know that a school is not always the best place for every child. Fear not. You will not ruin anybody. sounds like you have adequate support in that area. =0)


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

I really appreciate all the support and advice, it is very encouraging. As you all well know, it is a BIG decision, I'm sure being aprehensive is normal. 

I'm feeling better now because it is really nice to talk with people who have similar ways of life. It's nice not to feel so alone.

Also, I talked to my husband again. He is generally mild mannered and hard to read. He usually lets me do whatever I decide without question. I was worried that he may be letting me decide on homeschooling to humor me and I didn't want that. So, I managed to pry a little more out of him and he is totally behind me and not too worried about what family says.

His younger brother is a classic case of homeschooling gone bad in every possible way, very bad so...

I am fortunate though. Although my dd 3 1/2 has some troubles my dd 2 is ahead of the curve and will make me look good without me even trying. It's actually ideal because I suspect that I will be able to teach them at the same level. Then they can colaberate and work as a team once in awhile. Also, if I slow down for the younger to be ready for K or 1st. the older will have time to move along at her own natural pace.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

hintonlady said:


> I have had zero trouble telling a stranger "what for" in the past about homeschooling.
> 
> My problem is extended family like grandparents etc. We have a close knit family who are not short on opinions or internal gossip. :smack
> 
> ...


When my kids were 7,6,4, The Lord put home schooling on my heart.
I mentioned it to friends (who were like family) and family.
They were negative to the point of hateful.
"What about socialization?"
"You don't even have a high school diploma"
"You will make them weird"
And on and on.

And I listened to them.

Again, The Lord called me. NOW the kids are entering 6th, 5th and 3rd grades.
After praying every day when I dropped them off at school, and listening to the Lord and following His prompts......
Me and the kids began home schooling August 2003.

However, because *I* allowed peer pressure, and I *conformed* to THEIR wishes, I lost SIX YEARS of home schooling.
Six years.
God in His Amazing Mercy "replaced the years the locust had eaten".....and my now 22, 21, 18 year old children are AMAZING young adults.

My family really said nothing. They simply were not invested in us enough to care. Spouse family did 90% back biting and 10% 'story telling' (where they tell a story about someone else when really they are talking about you....I know, stupid) and our friends just didn't say anything once we decided.

Personally?
My mouth would say: Thank you for your concern, and any questions you have I am more than willing to answer BUT this is OUR family decision, and out of respect for OUR decision, I appreciate that you do not bring pressure to preform for you, or negativity.

If you have to spell it out.....then spell it out.:smack

You get one shot at child rearing.
Do it right the first time, because there is no "re-set" button on life.
You owe NO ONE anything as far as "look how smart they are, look how good they are doing".
You owe NO ONE.

Once you stop fussin' over what they think, you will feel 100lbs of weight pulled off your shoulders!!:clap:


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> You owe NO ONE anything as far as "look how smart they are, look how good they are doing".
> You owe NO ONE.
> 
> Once you stop fussin' over what they think, you will feel 100lbs of weight pulled off your shoulders!!:clap:


That makes so much sense and I really need to drill it into my head until I believe it and feel it.

I used to be so independant, confident and rarely cared what others thought. Then I married into this tightly knit farm family all with homes on the acerage. There is a certain hierarchy that still feels as if some people are more equal that others. Even after a handful of years I still feel like the new one since I was not well recieved at first. (divorced with a child) I am family but not family enough to be able to speak frankly as they are amongst themselves.

I keep hoping and praying someone else will get married so I can move up in the totum pole a bit.

Sounds so pathetic when I think about it.

Maybe rebeling and doing what I want regardless of their own issues with it is just the shot of "attitude" I needed. :duel:


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

You have overcome a lot in the past several years. You'll get through this too. But just an FYI, you may never move up on the totem pole. Not saying that just to be mean, just realistic.

Now, as for the original problem repeat after me:
"I appreciate your concern but they are _my_ children and _my_ responsibility and I will do as I see fit and what I think is in their best interest."
Repeat ad nauseam.


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## halfpint (Jan 24, 2005)

Don't worry what other people think, even family. We began home educating in 1993, and caught a lot of negative flack, especially from family. Now, most of those who questioned us now complement us or our children. My 3rd son (now 17) also went through speech therapy from age 3-8, starting with public therapy then we moved to private therapy, and it worked well for us.

Dawn


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

If their opinions are bothering you this much then you are putting too much emphasis on THEIR feelings instead of YOURS and YOUR decision. Kindly tell them to mind their own business and carry on. You're the only one that can allow or disallow for yourself to be bothered or self-conscious about it. Been there.. done that... I don't speak to them anymore. I'm accountable to my kids.. not them.


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## Bob Huntress (Dec 17, 2012)

Hinton, I feel your pain! When we started homeschooling, my brother is a school teacher (allbeit for the church's school as if the teachers union is any more accepting of them). He questioned us on the topic. I went other the score of reasons. The one that made him shut up, however, was that as a military family subject to constant transfers, we have watched many children held back simply because there isn't a consistancy throughout the states. Not even the school district in Buffalo, NY could argue against that one. Once we put that reason down, it seemed that even the teachers union would have supported it. Of course there were many other reasons, such as the low standards and the misguided values at the local school, but that reason was beyond question for anyone who wanted to discourage the plan. Depending on which state you live in, you will be having your child taking standard test at the local school each year, or so. Those scores serve as the gage as to how your child is doing. If you are using a prepackaged study, there are scores that should be objectively accepted by your family as to the status of their nephew's achievements. My brother isn't a bad uncle to ask about the childrens schooling. Perhaps a bit intusive, yet, not necessarily a bad uncle. The same hold true for your family, probably. They are just subject to constant belittling of homeschooling. They may be in for a surprise, however. All that media hype over the recent shooting could result in a surge of homeschoolers. As homeschooling becomes more popular, many of the myths that have been spread will right themselves. It was 2003 when we started homeschooling and my family has come around, though my mother thought it was right when we started, though she has passed away since. Good luck with your family.


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## WestFork (Dec 20, 2012)

We have a daughter who is a senior in high school. She's always done well in public school. Our son... different story. When he was a freshman in high school, he brought home his first report card and it was horrible. The teachers would all say, "He's such a nice young man, but he just doesn't do his homework."

We are a very active family. We cook and eat together. We play music at different venues. We hike, fish, hunt, garden together as a family. The school piled on so much homework, there wasn't time for our important family activities. It also placed burden on mom & dad, since the kids were too busy with homework on weekends to help around the house.

So we pulled our son from public schools at the age of 14. Since then he has blossomed. His personality is honest and true. His music playing has really taken off. His witty humor came back, and he has pursued his interests instead of standard curriculum. This year he is taking high school via the internet 5 hours a day. He has a state-employed teacher who is very encouraging. His grades are good, and he's learning more and more all the time. Biology, Spanish, Algebra etc. and we have our own music & woodshop in the barn.

If you do home school, I think it is important to be very active socially as a family. Make sure there are other kids around for your children to hang out with.

You're doing a good thing. All of the home schooled kids we know are so wonderful to be around.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

hintonlady said:


> That makes so much sense and I really need to drill it into my head until I believe it and feel it.
> 
> I used to be so independant, confident and rarely cared what others thought. Then I married into this tightly knit farm family all with homes on the acerage. There is a certain hierarchy that still feels as if some people are more equal that others. Even after a handful of years I still feel like the new one since I was not well recieved at first. (divorced with a child) I am family but not family enough to be able to speak frankly as they are amongst themselves.
> 
> ...


If they canot accet you then march to your own drummer, chances are they never will, so long as they can make you feel lesser they "win". BTDT married a family that while not what i call tight knit had one heck of a pecking order. I stopped caring when I realized they really didnt care about me. Once they got over it I got more respect. 

Even DHs work frineds were amazed when they met his fmaily they really wondered how he came out of hillbillyland(their words) so normal!!

When you marry someone if they treat you poorly from the beginning they hardly ever change. You need to do what is right for you and yours! Tell yourself that is THEIR problem. Become the one they talk about by being yourself.I bet someo f th eones who are favored only are because they toe the line!


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## Bob Huntress (Dec 17, 2012)

HOTW, when my wife and I started homeschooling our kids we were over by you. Were you active with the homeschool support groups in about 2003 and 2004? As I recall my wife mentioned that several came up from Lackawana and Hamburg. 

Hintonlady, you will not be the first parent to homeschool a special needs child. The mother that helped my wife and I when we started had like 7 kids, the youngest had downsyndrome. She did a wonderfull job teaching her children. BTW, I wouldn't assume that your husband is merely allowing you to homeschool to shut you up. I am a husband, and frequently I simply stand back and let my wife do something without my input, not to shut her up, but because she is the one who will have to more closely deal with the outcomes. My next anniversary this coming summer will be my 20th, and no husband wants to be an overlord of his wife. If the wife has a plan and is in control of a situation there is no need for us as husbands to challenge them with lots of specific questions that would only errode the wife's self confidence. Your husband likely sees that you have control of the matter, and is confident that you can handle whatever you are presenting, so he just says "Sure, fine". If my wife says I'm going to make Mary do such and such, and it appears she has control of whatever she is doing, all I'm going to do is say, "Sure". It is unlikely that his lack of challenge to your plan is intended to come across as patronizing. Would you stand over your machanic and tell him which wrenches to use? If he seems to be on top of things, let him do what he has to do.


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

Bob Huntress said:


> I wouldn't assume that your husband is merely allowing you to homeschool to shut you up. I am a husband, and frequently I simply stand back and let my wife do something without my input, not to shut her up, but because she is the one who will have to more closely deal with the outcomes. My next anniversary this coming summer will be my 20th, and no husband wants to be an overlord of his wife. If the wife has a plan and is in control of a situation there is no need for us as husbands to challenge them with lots of specific questions that would only errode the wife's self confidence. Your husband likely sees that you have control of the matter, and is confident that you can handle whatever you are presenting, so he just says "Sure, fine". If my wife says I'm going to make Mary do such and such, and it appears she has control of whatever she is doing, all I'm going to do is say, "Sure". It is unlikely that his lack of challenge to your plan is intended to come across as patronizing. Would you stand over your machanic and tell him which wrenches to use? If he seems to be on top of things, let him do what he has to do.


Oh my gosh, thank you. It's amazing and refreshing to get a male perspective like this. It could apply to so many interactions I have had with men in general. We women may be complicated but men are so hard to read.  

I wish I could have read that post years ago. It makes so many things clear in my head suddenly. I've got to work on doing what I need or want to more independantly. I need to make decisions without seeking out others approval. I never realized I did that so much until your post. 

Deep down I know homeschooling is the right decision and I know my husband trusts me to do it. He's the only one I need to worry about "impressing" with the kids performance and he will see it plain as day. No need to jump through hoops, nothing to prove. He'll just be happy to know I am doing my best to be a good Momma, even if I am not perfect at it. He's satisfied having me love on our babies and keep the house cozy for when he comes home.

Why on earth do I have to complicate and over analyze him...lol


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