# A LAMENT about aging parents



## Seeker

I know no-one here really knows me (look at my post count), but a lament is indeed a wail, so here goes anyway. I know some of you will relate.


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## Seeker

A LAMENT
- on aging parents -​

It's 6:30pm. I sit in the guest 'office', the third bedroom of this rental house, on a tv table designed for tv dinners, not notebook computers. I type, lonely, orphaned, as my parents sleep, fitfully, in the 'tv room' which is meant to be a dining room. 

I walk through this rental house, a practical compromise from their home which they had to sell. My father, with neurological problems at 78, can't find the bathroom. He nervously asks where it is - he begins to wander into the laundry room, more frustrated than I am that it isn't obvious.

"Find the light, Dad, find the light..." is all I can say. At least he can still walk there on his own, even if hunched over. Was it only six months ago that he still wielded a chainsaw? Just six months ago that he managed 7th grade students - substitute teaching at 78?

My mother still sleeps on the couch - she has worked so hard, trying to be patient with my Dad. But at 72, she has a horrific cold. She is taking a nap - she won't go to bed this early - it would disrupt the normalcy of events. She'll wake up at 7pm, watch a movie, then MAYBE go to bed at 9pm, although bedtime is 10pm.

My Dad wanders back into the 'tv room' and carefully sits down so he will not fall. I offer him a glass of wine - another sense of normalcy. He asks for ice cream, but there is none.

I pour myself a glass of cheap red wine - it's something. I wander back through this strange house, probably the last house my father will live in - and it is not his.

He is/was a great man in my eyes - he served in World War II, he perservered to get his doctorate in education, he was superintendent of schools in florida. And now, he is frustrated - because he IS coherent. He said to me, "I want to beat this, but something is wrong with me. I just don't know what to do."

My mother said, "I don't know what to do. It was just six months ago that he was fine. Sure he was 78, but he was fine. Now look at him..." ... as he shuffles to the bathroom once again.

I just sit, and put dishes in the dishwasher, and cover them both so they can nap before the movie.

I don't know what to do, either. But I wish I did.


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## Seeker

A LAMENT
- on aging parents -
(always... continued)​

And now it is 9:10pm.

The movie is over. My mother coughs profusely, still sick after 9 days.

I leave the "office" and ask "Can I help?"

"I'm going to bed. I don't know where your father is going." as she coughs once again.

"Dad?" I ask.

"Where's my bed?" he asks, frustrated, again.

"It's this way, Dad. Follow me." He follows me until he realizes the path for himself.

"Is there ANYTHING I can do?" I ask. The answer, of course, is no.

The lights dim, and I wander back into the "office". I hear noises, and wander to the front door. I open it, and the security system beeps. I hope it doesn't wake them, but I hear my mother cough again - they are not yet asleep.

My cheap wine is still with me as I step onto the porch. A thunderstorm. Strange that I had not even realized it before now. Thick drops parade upon my forehead, and distant thunder echoes upon my ears. I take a sip from my glass and ponder the universe for a moment, forever.

The security system beeps once again as I close the door. I refill my glass, noting that I have consumed a 3.0 liter bottle of wine in just two days.... cheap wine comes in units of four.

I hear my mother cough again, and my father comment. I cannot resist. "Are you ok? Is there anything I can do?"

My father replies, not my mother. "No, son. It's fine. We love you."

"I love you, too. Goodnight."

Goodnight.


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## olehippy

I find this too real. I really don't know what to say. God bless.

olehippy


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## Tracy Rimmer

Have you thought of submitting this, or something like it, to a magazine? You write beautifully.

I can relate to the theme of your words. My father, too, is aging. You've captured the feeling of helplessness, and it's attendant effects, very well. You really ought to think about submitting this somewhere.

Tracy


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## Seeker

Since I am a writer, I may indeed do something with this. But at the moment it is too close and too personal. These are indeed tonight's events.

Maybe later, when the events fade, as they always do, I may be able to use these words in some way, but for now, they are only pain.

Thanks for the kind thoughts.

Dan T. Davis


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## Jen H

It's hard to watch the people you love start to fail. We're going through this with my husband's parents right now - Mom is confined to a wheelchair with arthritis, Dad has vascular dementia. My husband is having to more and more make the decisions for his parents, which his parents resist and fight against.

Here's a long distance {{{{{HUG}}}}}. It's tough road, but you're not the only one walking it. Try to take good care of yourself while you're taking care of them.


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## Seeker

I know, indeed, I am not alone.

It is something many of us will or are going through. My prayers are with you and your husband as well. As I said, this is a lament. It is my lament, but in a sense, it is the lament of so many of us as we go through this stage of life.

Take care,
Dan


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## wombatcat

I am where you are. I honestly read your post and realized that you are seeing what I am seeing....only you have a mom and a dad, where my dad passed on about 20 years ago.....not too long ago, I posted about my mother who was becoming more and more helpless but still aware that she is no longer able to do things she used to do, and how she is so sad and frustrated to know that she has to depend on me and on my brother for virtually everything. After three episodes of confusion this past month where she was unable to figure out how to work the light switches and telephone in her house, it is time for her to move into an assisted living facility and it is breaking my heart even more than it is breaking hers....I am excited because she will now be 4 miles away from me instead of 90 miles away from me, but my heart breaks when I think about her not being in the house that I grew up in, and ultimately that house not even belonging to our family any more, because it will have to be sold to pay for her care....I am scared that she will become disoriented in her new "home", and although I have visited twice (once Mom was with me) and we both agree that it is a very nice place, I'm still afraid I'm making the wrong decision here...it is so scary to see someone who has been strong and capable all my life, someone who could solve any problem I had, forget what a busy signal in the phone line means....it is heartbreaking and so scary to be making decisions for another adult who used to make all the decisions for me. I remember when she was 69 (she's 76 now) she told me "but I don't FEEL old"....but now she is suddenly old and nobody can fix it. And every time I talk to her I want to tell her that I'll find a doctor who can make her better, I'll figure it out, but I know that this is a rite of passage for both of us and nothing is going to help me escape.


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## crystalniche

I can relate to everyone who is in this position. I am sitting here on the computer at around 3:30 am because my 90 yr old FIL has woken me up yet again with his walking around the house and talking to himself and my cat. He has dementia and physical problems but up until 1 1/2 years ago he worked at the job he had held for over 50 years. They forced him to retire then due to his health problems. Now we are going thru the constant forgetting, having to explain everything over and over again time after time but the worst was having to take his car away. For the past 9 months he has been "faking" at paying his bills~~going thru the motions ok but then never sending them out. What a nightmare! He was fine mentally until this past summer when the "forgetting" and constant explaining really began. I know that he is very old and has had a long and happy life but it is so hard to watch this happen. We thought that he had somehow managed to escape these kind of problems but no, they are happening anyway. It is so hard to watch this decline no matter what their age happens to be. Worse yet to have to try and keep everything straightened out when they keep insisting that they are fine and can handle their own things when they can't. It breaks my heart everytime I hear my husband trying to help FIL and FIL argues with him insisting that he can do something himself but he can't. So sad to watch someone declining this way. We chose to go back and forth between our house in the country to FIL's here in the city but have been staying here a lot more now that he is getting worse. We go home twice a day~~morning and evening to care for our animals and house then drive here to help him. We work 1 1/2 miles from our house so that makes it easier. FIL lives 26 miles away~~~each way so this is a lot of driving. My husband is an only child so we are the only ones who FIL has to help him out. We are doing everything we can for him. We are even feeding him. He loves our cat so she is here for him, keeping him company when we can't be here. A very interesting fact is that he was falling a lot, injuring himself until we brought down the cat to kill the mice in his basement. Since she has been here he has not fallen even once! We think that is because he now has to pay careful attention to where he puts his feet when he walks so he doesn't hurt her but then who knows for sure? A whole year with no falls is amazing because before he was falling almost daily.


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## Alice In TX/MO

Blessings on all of you who are going through this. Last year at this time, I had moved to Austin to be with Mom, who had a stroke on Nov 2, 2004, and passed on February 24, 2005. Those months between were so hard....but now even the hard days are treasured memories.

Huggs to you and I pray that angel wings support you and yours.

Rose


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## largentdepoche

I feel this exact way watching my husbands paren'ts aging.

Thanks for posting this, it helps not feel so alone when it comes to these things.

Kat


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## jersey girl

We moved my father in law in with us 4 years ago. Two days ago he was told he has cancer and he should go through very radical treatment at 81 years old. He is very depressed and VERY angry at everyone. I know just how all of you feel.
I really do think that, in time, you should do something with these writings. They really touch a persons heart. Sending a prayer that you can cope.


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## suzfromWi

These letters brought tears to my eyes as I am one of the older folks. At 63 I think about the day when possibly my children will have to care for me when Im used to caring for them. I saw this thread and expected to hear complaining and anger at the old folks. Then I read the caring and love you all have and the tears came. Its old folks biggest fear of being unable to live on our own or take care of ourselves, so knowing all the love thats out there for your older loved ones is very heartening. Seeker, I was walking those rooms along side of you. You put me there. Indeed! You are a writer. God Bless you all, suz p.s. I too am a seeker of truth...


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## Jackfish

Oh Seeker, I sure do know what you are going through. Mom passed away at 78 in 1999, Dad who is now 89 moved into a nursing home a year ago Aug after being in hospital for 6 mths. Before that time, Dad was vital man who walked everywhere and everyone in his small town knew him. To go from that to the man he is now, can't even push himself in his wheelchair - he's still Dad though, his thinking is clear even if his voice isn't very strong.

The circle goes round and round.


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## DW

Last year was my nightmare...my mother passed away in Jan. the day before her 87th b'day. At least you are there...we lived 900 miles f/my mother.
((((HUGS))))


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## ihedrick

I pray for all that they may have the strength to keep going thru the good and bad. My parents who live next door are not that far off and I have be trying to prepare for the times that you write about.


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## Grandmotherbear

I have made my living will and specified the actions I don't want taken. I have instructed my husband and children that when the lights go out but the body is hanging on- to please not wear themselves out but put me in a decent place (one that has stable caring staff, even if it is old) supervise to make sure that care is adequate and go on with life, I have also instructed my children that if their father is ever lucky enough to find love again they are to HONOR his decisions and accept his right to have a new life with a new love.
My mother is still beating me over the head with "I can die any second". She wants to control me and my children and is healthy as a young horse. There are a lot more psychological issues there than can be gone into on this post. She is 79. Every now and then she gets an idea she wants to sell her house (3 bedroom, 2 bath, sunroom, screen porch) and move into a condo. I have to talk her out of it. She pays less than $140 a month - the mortgage is almost retired, and she gets double homestead exemption on her taxes because of being the widow of a disabled vet. Besides, within a week she would be blowing up the condo association offices and suing the condo board. I know her too well. She is NOT cond0/hoa material.
I dread when dementia saps her intellect and she still be a negative type control freak. I have already accepted there will only be so much I can do. Good luck to all of you in this sitch- I really hope I don't have to join you too soon.


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## Aintlifegrand

suzfromWi said:


> These letters brought tears to my eyes as I am one of the older folks. At 63 I think about the day when possibly my children will have to care for me when Im used to caring for them. I saw this thread and expected to hear complaining and anger at the old folks. Then I read the caring and love you all have and the tears came. Its old folks biggest fear of being unable to live on our own or take care of ourselves, so knowing all the love thats out there for your older loved ones is very heartening. Seeker, I was walking those rooms along side of you. You put me there. Indeed! You are a writer. God Bless you all, suz p.s. I too am a seeker of truth...


I know it is difficult for parents to feel dependent on their children. What many parents don't realize is how much a child still needs their parents close to them no matter what. I am going thru this at this very moment. Papa died in September...I remember holding his hand not knowing if he even knew I was there. I whispered to him " I wish I could take you home and away from this hospital" He starting moving his weak legs to the side of the bed. I couldn't figure out what he was doing at first and then I realized he was trying to go home with me. My heart was forever broken. I would have done anything to be able to take him home and have him spend his last days with us. We moved in with Mom after he died while we are finishing our home in the country. We added a room and bathroom for my mother. However, Mom is resisting moving to the new house because she does not want to be a burden. She is not well ( cancer of the white blood cells) and she doesn't need to live 45 miles from us, but she is refusing. Being the obedient daughter, I don't force the issue but my heart breaks again as I think about her being alone. I wish I could make her see...it is not her that needs...it is me.


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## frogmammy

Aintlifegrand said:


> I wish I could make her see...it is not her that needs...it is me.


Maybe you should tell her that. We parents are only very minor Gods, and can't know all.

Mon


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## Gercarson

We will be having our "services" Monday at 2 p.m.
Leading up to this was like watching a movie of my very own future - how will I face this personally? With the dignity and grace that I've seen, or in some selfish and demanding way? This is, indeed, our own future we see here, so we have to handle this with all the dignity that is being exhibited. Of course, we are going to do some stumbling as we react and do the very best that we can, with all the love and confusion that comes with seeing (all at once) the past, present and future.


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## Michael W. Smith

Coming up on the 1 year anniversary (Christmas day) when my Grandmother fell and broke her hip. She had alzheimers for several years before this and was in a nursing home. Some days when I went to visit, it was really Grandma with a big smile when she saw me. But more often than not, it was that blank stare, usually not saying anything other than to ask a question only to ask it again a minute later. 
She passed away in April, and I am grateful that the nursing home called me when they did. I sat beside her, put her hand on her Bible, held her other hand and talked to her telling her how much me and the rest of the family loved her, but it was time for her to go. We would be sad to have her gone, but would get along without her. Besides, her mother, father, grandparents, and some brothers and sisters were waiting for her. I told her to go to the light, there was nothing to be afraid of, and she had a good life and served God, and Jesus was waiting to greet her. Within an hour of me getting there, she was gone. I was honored to hold her hand as she left this world.

My wife's parents are in their late 70's now and their age is starting to show. Her mother is having memory problems (doctor says it isn't Alzheimers but I'm not so sure). Her father can be quite the problem (ok mentally, but a very negative man). They are starting to depend on us more and more for help.


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## cpeyus

OH, I feel for everyone who is going through this. My MIL had alzheimer's for about 7 years. We were able to keep her in her own home for awhile, but she spent the last 4 years of her life in an alzheimer's facility...Her needs were much greater than we could provide. She did not know any of us for the last 2 years (that's the sad part). She lost soooo much weight, despite the efforts of us & her caregivers to get her to take in calories. She passed away a few days before Thanksgiving '04, at the age of 80. She lived a good life. Now, we're helping my grandmother, who turns 82 next month. Her cancer is back, but the Dr. is hopeful that the medicine he has her taking are doing their job...one day at a time. She lives about 15 miles from us, so it is easier to be close by. My son drives himself to school everyday, so he goes & visits 3-4 times a week & then as a family we usually go over on Sunday. It's exhausting - a labor of love. By the time MY parents need help, I'll be very experienced...


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## Wolf mom

Thank you for yor poignant words. Like the rest, I cry with you. 

At 62, I have decided never, ever to have my children walk your path. Therefore have made written plans - living wills etc. And unwritten plans...

It's so sad in today's socety, that we celebrate the beginning of life with such joy, and are unable to speak of the end of this life.


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## Seeker

Thanks to everyone for your words of support - support is knowing that we all go through this, it is something common among us.

Even though it is hard, I think I will continue to write about this time of my and my parent's lives. I agree that we don't talk about it ENOUGH - we tend to bear through it, but don't see it coming.

It's probably something we should talk about more, not less.


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## Seeker

Wow - It's been almost a year... I ended up writing 13 laments as my father continued his slow decline. He passed away on October 3, 2006. I read his eulogy and displayed two videos of his life at his funeral.

If anyone would be interested in reading the laments (the first 2 are at the top), I can either email or post them, but they are probably someday going to be submitted to a magazine when the pain is not as fresh.

Obviously aging parents do strike a nerve as I re-read all your wonderful posts.

I will always miss him. But death, indeed, is part of life.

Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


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## NJ Rich

Seeker and all of us that share ............

Thank you for giving of yourself and sharing so much with us. Many of us have struggled through similar problems with our own parents or those of our wives or husbands.

Life isn't fair. Our parents or in-laws suffer before our eyes. Failing day by day. Not knowing, "why they don't understand or knowing when or how". It really hurts when they "don't know us". One minute they are with us and the next they are somewhere else.

My grandfather, when he was in his eighties, wrote long letters to his mother. My mother had to intercept them so they wouldn't get in the mail. My grandmother, who was very much alive and bright, suffered through it all until she passed. She left him but he never left her. "Where is Hilda"? We would tell him, "she went to the store or shopping for food or visiting one of her friends". That was all he needed to know. Comforting words and a hug. He passed not realizing she was gone. Sometimes there is a "grace given for not knowing your loved one is gone before you".

My mother-in-law is legally blind and lives in an Assisited Living Residsence. My father-in-law still lives by himself in his home. She couldn't live with him since he can barely take care of himself as he has been recovering from cancer surgery for almost two years now. Both are losing their reasoning and memory. Neither can remember when or where accurately. They fight when they are together "about nothing". I bring her home every week to visit and do her laundry. She comes in and starts her laundry saying hello at the same time. Then she takes a nap until I come to take her out to lunch. Says her good byes and leaves. Then after lunch I take her back to assisted living.

Life isn't fair:
Those in society that are the most miserible of people seem to live forever and those that are good and loving leave early or suffer from being someone other than those we knew and loved.


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## Seeker

Ah, yes, it is NOT fair.

I think I will post my other laments here, but not all at once. Please realize that these are now history, as my father passed away in October, but in one sense, they are truths for all of us.


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## Seeker

JANUARY 2006
--------------

A LAMENT
- on aging parents â
(and so it goes)

And another month goes by. I commit to flying down every four weeks, because I want to be there as much as I can.

Even so, I feel I am neglecting him, as he continues to decline. But what more can I do?

I make doctor appointments over the phone, I fly down to help him get to them.

He can barely walk now â he is embarrassed that he can barely get to the bathroom. It wonât be long before he has to use a wheelchair all the time. And then after that, who knows?

I sit with him, still seeing the man who raised me. Heâs still there, though slowly slipping away. When his mind is clear, he still talks to me as father to son, though I am near fifty myself. Itâs reassuring.

âI really like your new book. Iâm glad I was able to sell it to some of my teacher friends last year,â he says, as a way to make me feel good.

âIâm glad, too, Dad. Can I get you anything to drink?â

He hesitates, and looks scared. It bothers me, though I understand why he looks that way. He says, âIâm so sorry I couldnât help you sell the book this Christmas. Itâs this darn brain stuff, isnât it? But, weâll get past it. Iâll help you sell your book next year. Ok?â

Tears well up in my eyes. âDad, youâve done more than enough. Thank you for all your help, now, and in the past. I appreciate it.â

He nods, and his mind, distracted, turns back to the TV.

Definitely more than enough. I doubt God will be willing to have him fulfill his promise, but he has filled promises enough, and for that I will always be grateful.

I once again help him to bed, before flying the next day back home. âIâll be back in 3 weeks,â I whisper, âand for as long as I need to come back. You were there for me, god willing, I can be there for you, too.â

As I fly back home the next day, I see the normalcy of life, but know that we all have stories of lives within us, and wonder in each face what they must be going through, just as I am going through my own grief as my father slowly slips away from me.



Dan T. Davis
==========
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


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## horsehelper

This thread is really hitting home. My Mother never let me know how bad things were getting until I got the call that she had been admitted to the hospital. We lived 8 hours apart. I left my home and stayed with her at the hospital for 7 weeks, then brought her home to my house, where she lived another 5 weeks. She needed 24 hr care, and was totally dependent for everything. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but also the most wonderful. We had some of the best talks, and I am so grateful for that time we had. So, please don't consider yourself a burden on your children. I'll never forget the memories of that time. The greatest was when Mom told me how disgusted she was that I had to care for her like she was a baby. I told her I was glad I could, and her response was "I'm just so glad that you WANT to". That made it all worth it. Caring for an elderly parent is so difficult, but also the greatest kindness you can offer, and you'll never regret it.


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## Jen H

Thank you for bringing this back up. My own MIL passed away Oct. 29. My FIL, 91, is living in their condo and the dementia is closing in. We've had to take the car away, and take over the finances. We've also had to take over giving him his medications. 

He doesn't understand why attendants come in every day. Doesn't understand why we locked the medications away. Doesn't understand why we took the car away. And most heartbreakingly, doesn't understand how his wife died. He remembers that she died, but not how. He remembers himself as young and strong - climbing mountains and teaching beginning physics - he doesn't remember that yesterday he lost his house key and couldn't find his pants.

Not a single solitary part of this is easy. For any of us.


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## tamsam

Well being 62 and one of the older folks that is not in good health it is so hard to be dependent on others. My wife is a lot younger than me and I am lucky the she was a cna before we married. I have been disabled since 1989 but still could do a lot of things, it just took me so long to do them. I now have severe copd and I am really slow and limited as to what I can do. Almost 3 years ago I got to where I couldn't breathe just by standing up. Well I ended up in the hospital with phnomia and also had what they called an air cyst in my left lung. They removed the cyst and less than a hour after being in recovery it blew out and had to have it all over again. After 35 days being in the hospital I came home with a hole in my lung and a tube in with a one way valve on it so the air would leave my chest cavity when I coughed. Through all this my wife never missed a day at the hospital and when I did come home I was totaly helpless and had to be carried into the house. It was 28 small steps to the bath room and at least 2 rest stops to get there. I hated to be so dependment on someone and was glad it was my wife. Now today I can do some things but still my wife does most of it. We cut wood together and she does most I am just there. We go to the coal yard to get our coal and we put it in buckets and boxes so she picks out what she wants. This last trip I did help by standing at the back of the truck and pushing the buckets to the front. Boy did it feel good. She tells me she enjoys doing these things but It still hurts because I can not help that much. So please tell your parents that you enjoy doing for them as they did for you for many years. Sorry this was so long but I just wanted to say how it is to be on the recieving end and not able to do for yourself. I may add that I am getting to do more as time passes. My prayers go out to each of you and yes I cared fo my mom in her last days. Just be strong and keep doing. God bless you all. Sam


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## Seeker

tamsam - I'm sorry this is so hard for you...

what amazes me is how little we talk about this subject in our society. it's refreshing (in a sad way, of course) that we can talk about it here.


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## Seeker

JANUARY 23, 2006
===================

A LAMENT
- on aging parents -
(another tale)

I flew down to Florida this time on January 23rd - my Dad's birthday is January 24th, his 79th. Even at this time, celebrating occasions is a good thing. It shows that things are normal, even when they are not.

My Mom insisted on picking me up at the airport, even though it is almost an hour drive. I offered to rent a car, but she would have none of that - they've always picked me up. When they arrive, my Dad is in the car, too, but mostly because my Mom can't leave him alone for that long anymore.

He always got out of the car to find me in the luggage claim area, but that time is long past, so I find them and put my luggage in the car. He waves nervously to me as I get in to drive back to their rental home.

We get there, and my Mom goes into the house while I help my Dad get out of the car and give him his walker. He is weak even with the walker, so I help him into the garage and then toward the kitchen/garage door.

We hear a shout and a cry of pain. My mother has fallen - badly, on her knees, as she tripped over the kitchen rug. I tell my Dad not to move. I rush in - she is really hurt. I say should I call 911?

I look back out to my Dad. He is wild-eyed - he is doing everything he can to rush into the kitchen - but of course his brain will no longer tell his legs to move properly. I see him move a few inches toward the kitchen. 

I look back at my Mom, still on the floor, crying in pain. I simply don't know what to do next.

She says 'don't call 911, I'll be fine,' as she continues to hold her knees and lay on the floor. 

I turn to my Dad, who miraculously is at the door - eyes still wild. He has moved almost 6 feet in the last minute on his own.

I help him in, and the best I can do is to let him sit at the dining table next to my Mom. He places his hand on her head. It is all he can do.

She is fine, but will have swelling, bruises, and walk carefully for my entire stay. She says "I can't be hurt, I can't be sick. I have to take care of your father."

Even when I'm there, it all seems a jumble. I marvel at my Mom - how does she get by when I am NOT there? But she does, and he does. All I can imagine is his hand on her head as she is in pain.

He can't help her now - but maybe the bond between them will enable them both to get through this - even though, in the end, it will be 'till death do us part'. But that isn't here yet..... so each moment that can be cherished, should be.

I helped my Mom to sit at the dining table after her fall - and she took my Dad's hand from her head, and held it in her own. I walked into the next room to find some ice for her knees - and gave them a moment together.

Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


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## Seeker

February 20, 2006
=======================

A LAMENT
- on aging parents -
(Enabling the inevitable)

Jan becomes Feb. I should be ecstatic that I can visit monthly to help my father as he goes through his slow decline, but I can only gulp as I walk into my parentâs rental house once more.

New objects assail my senses. A lift chair â it will help dad up so Mom can get him into â oh, yes, now, a wheelchair â no longer a shuffling stumble into the bathroom. Thatâs good â I guess.

And in the middle of the living room â a hospital bed. âHe doesnât use that, yetâ¦â says my mother, âbut the physical therapist thought it would be a good idea to get it, just in case.â

I nod. The lift chair is in the family room â an attestation to the omnipresent television that is now my fatherâs only real entertainment. We watch TV together â it is all we can still truly share.

âI need to go to the bathroom,â says my father. I start to bring the wheelchair. âNo, just help me,â he says. With much effort, he rises, and I help him to the bathroom, where he still insists on some privacy from me. He calls me when he is finished, and I help him walk back to his lift chair.

ââDid your father just go to the bathroom? And you didnât use the wheelchair?â My mother is incredulous as she holds up the plastic urinal bottle he uses now as a way to make things easier.

I sit back down and have a brilliant idea. âYou donât use the living room â now you just walk through it - and it is bigger than the family room! It is closer to both the bathroom and your bedroom! You can save half the travel distance when dad needs to go to the bathroom or to bed!â

I, the fixer of all things, begin moving furniture â even couches single handed as I mirror image the two rooms while my dad sleeps in the recliner next to the lift chair. I can help, finally.

My dad awakens and we help him to his lift chair â now in the living room next to the hospital bed. âThis is great,â he says. âThe TV looks good, too.â

Evening comes. Normally, dad now falls asleep in the lift chair, occasionally waking to comment on the movie we are watching. Tonight, he says âIâm tired. Can you help me into the hospital bed?â

I begin to defer, but help him into the hospital bed, where he falls asleep. When the movie is over, I awaken him for his medicine, so he can go to bed in the bedroom with my mother. He takes his medicine, but says, âThis bed is fine. Iâm tired.â

âNo. This was meant to help. You are CLOSER to bed than before. Let me help you to bed so you can sleep with Mom.â I find myself wiping tears from my eyes.

He hesitates, and then lies back down in the hospital bed. He looks at me, then with my help, rises and slowly moves to the wheelchair. We go into the bedroom where, again, with help, he gets into bed, and my mother joins him.

I leave the room as I say my goodnights, and begin to write. Did I help? Or did I simply enable the upcoming inevitability of events? I do not know. I only know I wish for something different, but do the best I can with the way of things as they are.	


Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## Pony

Seeker, thank you. 

I want so much to say more, but really, the only words that come are "Thank you."

Pony!


----------



## Spinner

I too feel empathy with you. After spending only one week caring for her, I lost my mother, she went quietly in her sleep. Dad is physically healthy, but his mind has started going lately. He has always said he will live to be 100. I hope he does, and I hope I can find a way to bring him to live with me. I know he would love it out here in the country. I'm not close enough to stay with him to take care of him. I can only worry from a distance while I hope and pray to move him home with me. I've always been daddy's girl.


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## Seeker

Thank you. Though I don't need sympathy, as I continue to publish these laments, you'll see that I am at peace with what I did, although I miss my father terribly (he passed on October 3).

I just am amazed at how little we talk about the end of life, and how we, as the children, or the nieces and nephews, or the close friends help people move on the next stage of our existence.

That, in itself, is a lament. We are never ready for the transition from life to death. My story is simply one story within a multitude. I'd welcome others to share theirs here as well.

Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## BasicLiving

I sit here crying as I read this post. Dan, you capture the moment so well - too well. How wretched it is to watch what time does to people we have loved, honored, admired, and respected It just doesn't seem fair. 

I watched my grandmother go through this. She died at 102 years old. It wasn't all that difficult for her - she had dementia and didn't know who she was the few months before her passing. But it was difficult for us to watch her deteriorate and know the strong, healthy, passionate woman she was before all this. Thank the Lord she did not know what was happening. She never would have wanted to think she had lost her dignaty. 

When I was very young (so young I don't remember) my mom told me I was in grandma's front yard, playing with the garden hose. She said grandma kept telling me to turn it off and I wouldn't. Finally grandma came at me, yelling "I TOLD you to turn that hose off" and I calmly looked at her and squirted her right in the face with the water. Well, she chased me all over that yard, and the whole time I was laughing hysterically. Mom said grandma finally doubled over from laughing so hard herself. She just couldn't stay mad. 

That was apparently her last thought of me. In the months before she passed, everytime I walked in the room grandma would laugh and say "And you squirted me with water." I'm glad she died with happy thoughts of me. But it still makes me so sad.

Penny


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## Seeker

BasicLiving said:


> I sit here crying as I read this post. Dan, you capture the moment so well - too well. How wretched it is to watch what time does to people we have loved, honored, admired, and respected It just doesn't seem fair.
> 
> I watched my grandmother go through this. She died at 102 years old. It wasn't all that difficult for her - she had dementia and didn't know who she was the few months before her passing. But it was difficult for us to watch her deteriorate and know the strong, healthy, passionate woman she was before all this. Thank the Lord she did not know what was happening. She never would have wanted to think she had lost her dignaty.
> 
> When I was very young (so young I don't remember) my mom told me I was in grandma's front yard, playing with the garden hose. She said grandma kept telling me to turn it off and I wouldn't. Finally grandma came at me, yelling "I TOLD you to turn that hose off" and I calmly looked at her and squirted her right in the face with the water. Well, she chased me all over that yard, and the whole time I was laughing hysterically. Mom said grandma finally doubled over from laughing so hard herself. She just couldn't stay mad.
> 
> That was apparently her last thought of me. In the months before she passed, everytime I walked in the room grandma would laugh and say "And you squirted me with water." I'm glad she died with happy thoughts of me. But it still makes me so sad.
> 
> Penny


Thank you for this thought. Ah, were we all to pass so peacefully, that we remember those we love with such kindness...

My thoughts are with you - of course it makes us sad - every death diminishes this world... we can only pray each death enriches the next world.

Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## frazzlehead

Thank you all for sharing.

I've been down some of this road with grandparents, and will no doubt be walking it with my own parents in time. I am blessed that in my family we are open about it all, and have plans in place for the various forms the inevitable may take.

Dan, you are a true wordsmith. Your writing has been hammered out on a hot forge, and tempered to a very fine edge. Bless you for sharing, and prompting others to do so as well.


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## AR Cattails

Seeker, thank you so much for your shares. I've read some of them before I had to stop because of the tears but I plan to read more as I can. This is hitting too close to home for me. My father, age 76, was just diagnosed with dementia a few months ago and seeing the changes in him is more than I can stand right now. His frustration is starting to set in at not being able to complete sentences. He'll say two or three words and just stop and look so lost as he tries to remember and then he'll just give up. He'll just sit there now and just stare at you as you move around doing things. He doesn't drive anymore except maybe to my sister's house just down the road. He falls down sometimes. I tell him he needs to get a walker. He use to do everything, you know, my dad was strong and I always use to follow him all the time when I was little, helping him with his cows and loading the hay and driving the tractor while he threw hay off the wagon and so much more. He's my dad and I'm not at all ready for this road in life. Hugs to everyone.


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## Trixie

Seeker, I agree - you write beautifully.

I am getting to be one of the 'older' ones and this thread has given me a lot to think about.

The sweet way all of you write brings tears. Thanks.


----------



## Seeker

AR Cattails said:


> Seeker, thank you so much for your shares. I've read some of them before I had to stop because of the tears but I plan to read more as I can. This is hitting too close to home for me. My father, age 76, was just diagnosed with dementia a few months ago and seeing the changes in him is more than I can stand right now. His frustration is starting to set in at not being able to complete sentences. He'll say two or three words and just stop and look so lost as he tries to remember and then he'll just give up. He'll just sit there now and just stare at you as you move around doing things. He doesn't drive anymore except maybe to my sister's house just down the road. He falls down sometimes. I tell him he needs to get a walker. He use to do everything, you know, my dad was strong and I always use to follow him all the time when I was little, helping him with his cows and loading the hay and driving the tractor while he threw hay off the wagon and so much more. He's my dad and I'm not at all ready for this road in life. Hugs to everyone.


Oh, my god, yes... I am SO SORRY about the road you are about to travel - I wish I could make it easier but I cannot.

I will post my next lament in the morning. It ends, as we all know, in that inevitable end.... but the journey is worth the telling.... because many of us must travel that road.

Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## Txsteader

Seeker said:


> I just am amazed at how little we talk about the end of life, and how we, as the children, or the nieces and nephews, or the close friends help people move on the next stage of our existence.
> Dan T. Davis
> ==============
> Author of
> The Blacksmith's Gift
> An Orphan's Promise


This is true. I went through it with my precious Dad 2 years ago. As heart-wrenching as it was to experience, it was a great blessing to me as well, because I was able to give back, to help in some small way for the help he'd given me. My Dad's final words to me were "Thank you. You've been a good daughter. I love you." Those words meant more to me than he could ever know. In the end, he gave me the final gift; helping him made me a better, wiser person.

It was a privilege and an honor to be able to help my Dad during his final year of life. 

Seeker, your words are beautifully written. Thank you for sharing them with us.


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## ceresone

I couldn't even read all the posts--it's too heartbreaking, you see--I am there.
My husband of 40 years has brain cancer-and beginning Alzheimers. His dr says his brain is having spasms(?), but the forgetfullness is getting worse, sometimes nothing on our farm is familiar. since i'll be 70 in july, i'm scared my health might fail-and i do have to care for him-more problems that i care to discuss-
my sis is undergoing surgery today at our university hospital-from a midnight fall over a cat- it happened over a month ago, and our local hospital really messed her up--she's 84, my brother, 81-will have knee replacement next week-
so, yes, beautiful writing, even when seen from the other side of the glass--


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## Seeker

My prayers are with you ceresone. 

I wish such events on no one - but there are so so many of us who go through it quietly, and painfully.


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## Seeker

April 17th, 2006
==============================

A LAMENT
- on aging parents â
(Filling the shoes)

My mom is a trooper. As my Dad continues his slow decline towards a total inability to walk, she does her best to care for him, despite her back problems and her heart condition.

âItâs too much for me,â she herself laments, while at the same time spending every waking hour tending to his needs. âWe have to do something.â Unfortunately, none of us honestly know what that something should be â in-home health care? Assisted living? Nursing home? None of the alternatives seem feasible when you donât understand them.

Of course, theyâve scrimped and saved their entire lives, so their assets and continued income render them ineligible for the âlet someone else take care of it solutionâ. Instead, they simply donât know what they should do. And thus they continue to do it wrong.

My mom has wanted to see her sister for months. And she wonât fly; another anachronism that must be lived with. So instead, I volunteer to fly down and care for my dad for a week, so that my brother can drive 14 hours, and my wife can return her home (with2 tvs, another attempt to help.)

So here we are. Day 1 of 6.

The longest day of my life. How does she do it? I brought a notebook computer, thinking Iâd be able to work while I was here, while my dad slept. Another wrong decision, another wrong thought. 

My dadâs life has turned into a 24 hour similarity. There is no day, there is no night â and I know this even with the first night still ahead of me. It has degenerated, unfortunately, into the four basic essentials of life â eating, sleeping, peeing, and tv.

So, the small bits grab all my attention â do you need food? Are you comfortable? Can I help you with the âbucketâ? Do you want sound with your fox tv?

I was fixing dinner. Clam chowder. My dad asked to be wheeled into the kitchen so he could be there with me. He remembered my Mom had gone to visit her sister, so he was in a very lucid mood and moment. It made the rest more poignant.

âThank you for the dinner,â he said. âI appreciate it. I donât know how much longer Iâll be here.â

âWhat do you mean?â I said, knowing what he meant. âIt should be a while.â

âI just wanted to thank you for what you are doing. It means a lot to me.â

âYouâre a great person,â I said, sincerely. âYouâve done some great things in your life.â

âI just want to go, and hope that Iâve done some good. Hope that what Iâve done meant something.â

I hand him his clam chowder. âDad, thatâs why Iâm here.â



Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## Selena

I agree that as a society we do not handle death very well. It is not a pleasant thing but it happens to all of us. We know we will die but some just have a better idea of when. We've stayed in this area for family. My folks are young, 67 and my grandpa is 89. My MIL died in 2000, my FIL is 83 and not in good health but not bad health either. While my sister and I are not close, we do our part for our folks and grandpa. My spouse has 4 siblings, 3 that live close to FIL but do very little. We don't rely on them and the upside (if there is one), we saw how they handled their mother's illness and subsequent death and knew we'd be the ones caring for my FIL. If he did not have a bit of money, they'd never see him, which is so sad. He's never seen his great-grandchild. They say at some point the child becomes the parent and vice versa, in one way this is true. I feel for those who care for family, especially those with "difficult" family (be it by dementia or just their personality). It is not easy but one knows he/she is doing the right thing.


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## mightybooboo

Michael W. Smith said:


> I was honored to hold her hand as she left this world.


That is indeed an honor Michael. My hats off to you.

BooBoo


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## tallpines

I feel as if I am one of the old ones (61)----especially this week as I struggle with a partiularily painful flair-up of arthritic pains and fibromyagia.

But, I am still the child------my parents are 80 and 86.

We live 160 miles apart-------and I wonder..............how will I give them the care they deserve when they need it...........when I can barely take care of myself on some days.

My father's vision is failing------and last week he took a bad fall when he stumbled over something in a parking lot at a restaurant. He landed on his chest with his feet up on the trailer he fell over. 
That fall would have hurt me badly, but he, got up, brushed himself off, and continued on into the restaurant.

My mother can run circles around me. Mows her own 1/2 acre of lawn with a push mower, at least twice a week-because she enjoys the exercise.........and then sits down to enjoy a can of beer.

Your parents are lucky to have a son who is willing and able to help them.
I fear I will not be able to give my parents that same attention.

Thank you for sharing your story.


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## mightybooboo

I work very hard at my job to help families have a nice death experience,instead of shock,trauma,etc etc etc.Surprising how many people wont even make an effort or care enough to help these families under the greatest stress they will ever face.All you have to do is clarify for them what is happening,because they are so overwhelmed they just cant get there without some help.

Unlike the OP,Im not able to put in words whats involved.But its a good thing,death doesnt have to be horror,it can also be acceptance and love and honor and joy in recalling what the good times were,and letting folks pass peacefully,putting their comfort above your loss.

One thing I tell them is your parent always put your best interests first,and now its role reversal,and you must put what is best for them first.Its helped a lot of folks stop pointless end of life treatment and allow them to let their Mom or Pop die in peace,instead of prolonged suffering.

And not feeling guilty for not 'doing everything',instead feeling good about themselves that they have eleviated suffering by making a tough choice based in love for their family member.

Taking the high road if you will.

Our death and dying needs a lot of work in this country.A lot of the above cant even be broached to many people,I think thats part of why nurses tend to run from it maybe?

Dont know,tough subject,but we can and should do better.

BooBoo


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## Seeker

I have to say - we're not at that point in 'this story' I'm posting yet, but the hospice care my father received at the end was absolutely amazing and helpful.


----------



## Seeker

April 20, 2006
=====================

A LAMENT
- on aging parents â
(Fatherâs Day)

Itâs Fatherâs Day, but my thoughts go back to the end of April for now. Iâm with my Dad, because my mother has finally escaped to see her sister. Iâm here for the days necessary to allow such an escape. 

Being here involves helping my Dad from bed to chair, and at the end of the day, from chair to bed. During the day, he makes only one attempt to walk 10 feet and back to the chair. I thought there would be âfree timeâ, given my Dadâs lack of mobility, but in reality, there is very little â it is amazing how much a person needs to do in a day, even when confined to a chair. Foods, fans, television volumeâ¦ even what used to be private moments are now chair events with a plastic container.

Itâs the nights that are frightening. Not because of sleep, but because of dreams. At this point in my Dadâs life, dreams clash with reality. Usually we toss such a clash off upon awakening, but for my Dad, now, the dreams often win.

âCall the front desk! We need to clean up the mess!â

âItâs ok, Iâve cleaned it up already,â I lie. âGo back to sleep.â 

I help him back into the bed, heâs managed to fall out and is now on the floor.

Laterâ¦ âItâs so hot in here. I hate this place. Is this your first tour of duty?â

âYes, Dadâ¦ itâs certainly my first tour of dutyâ¦ and yesâ¦ itâs not easy.â

Morning arrives. And the sunâs rays finally wash away the nightâs fog of semi-reality.

My Dad doesnât seem to remember the various roles he played throughout the night. Fox News occupies his mind while I prepare breakfast.

Still, he is very aware of what goes on around him, even if his body wonât move within it, nor his mind evaluate it properly.

He watches me prepare breakfast for the two of us and calls out, âCan I help you with anything?â He actually moves to get up, but of course gives up after a few moments.

I prepare a plate, walk to him, and hand him his breakfast. I say nothing, but wish with all my heart I could have answered his question of âcan I help youâ with a fervent âyesâ.

June 18, 2006 â on events of April 20th, 2006


Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## Seeker

APRIL 22, 2006
=====================

A LAMENT
- on aging parents â
(Beds)

My mother has returned from her sisterâs place. Iâve been with my Dad almost six days, caring for his every need. Even in six days, there has been some decline, but in reality, this slow decline will continue to play itself out over months, or maybe, even years.

My Mom gave me permission to sell their king size bed while she was gone. âWe donât have room for both a king size bed AND a hospital bed, even if the bedroom in this rental house is big,â said my mother, always practical, even while trying to deny the inevitability of events.

Now returned, my mother again embraces the practical â âI need a bed!â

âCostco,â I say. âThey have great Sealy Posturepedic beds.â I feel like a commercial.

My wife, Jan, drove my Mom back from Tennessee, so she offers to stay with my Dad.

The two of us, my mother and I, travel to discover the future of my parentâs nights.

We find the beds â indeed, there are numerous single beds, as well as double, queen and king.

The time of queen and king has now passed. I pull a single bed and foundation and place it upon the cart.

âWait a moment,â says my mother. âShould we get a double bed instead?â

âWhy?â I ask. âIf Dad is in a hospital bed, and space is an issue, why do you need more than a single bed?â

âYou never know,â she says. âIf I get a single bed, he canât sleep beside me. But if I get a double bed, and something happens, there will be room.â

I say nothing more. I heft the single mattress and foundation back onto the inventory shelf. I move to the double area and with my remaining strength grab a double mattress and foundation and place them upon the cart instead.

Itâs a concession, I know. Itâs not a king. Itâs not a queen. Itâs âjustâ a double bed. The stage to a single is just too far right now. 

I look to my Mom, who needs to sit because her back is hurting badly (from lifting my Dad too much â her back is bad, anyway!).

The caregiver can only go so far. âGo sit, Mom.â I say. âIâll get this taken care of â and load it, too. Youâll have your double bed for tonight.â

She walks away. I look at the double bed â both knowing the emotional need for it, as well as knowing the physical lack of usefulness. Still â itâs needed now.

June 18, 2006 â on events of April 22nd, 2006


Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## ceresone

And my DIL says I need to find a support group to help me cope-- I have--right here-- Thanks everyone, for more than there is words to tell.
Especially to you, Seeker--


----------



## tallpines

Today I found out my 86 year old father has an abdominal aneurysm.

I fear, I will soon begin the jouney which you are describing.

Mother is feeling more frail and tired.

This is the first time they will not be joining our extended family for Christmas.


----------



## Seeker

JUNE 8, 2006
========================

A LAMENT
- on aging parents â
(Jumble)

It all becomes a jumble.

Weâre moving. Why are we moving? Arenât we home? No, weâre not home.

Am I dying? I think Iâm dying. We wouldnât be moving if I werenât dying.

My son is here. Heâs helping me move. Furniture leaves the house. Whereâs my coffin?

I take his hand. He helps me into a car. We drive. We drive somewhere.

Shamrock Apartments? Oh, weâre going to visit my sister.

I see the wife of a football coach. Sheâs my sisterâs friend. I know her. We have dinner.

I need to walk to the couch. I need to walk to the couch. Iâm on the couch. Did I walk there?

Itâs morning. Iâm watching tv. No one is here. I need to answer the door.

Iâm lying on the floor. No one is here. No one is here. No one is here. Where is my wife?

My son walks in. He helps me back into my chair. âDonât tell your mother.â I say.

I watch more tv. My sister comes in. My wife comes in. My son comes in. My other son comes in. Why are they both here?

Iâm in a wheelchair. Why am I in a wheelchair. My other son and one of his daughters takes me to another place. Our furniture is here. Why isnât it at home?

âDo you like it?â my first son asks. âNow you and Mom can be near your sister and you can get the help you need since she was a nurse. She knows so many doctors.â

âItâs great,â I say. Why do we need doctors? Why canât I go home? They arenât putting me in a nursing home are they?

Iâm hungry. My wife brings me something to eat. Both of my sons say goodbye â they have to go to the airport.

Itâs late. Itâs time to go to bed. I need to get out of this chair and go to bed. Why donât I do so?

Itâs all a jumble.

When will things get back to normal. When can I go home?

June 28th, 2006 â on events of June 8th, 2006


Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## Seeker

JULY 4, 2006
===================

A LAMENT
âon aging parents-
(A letter to my brothers)

Dad was placed in a hospice yesterday. He was in the hospital starting last Tuesday, but the doctors felt that hospice care was the next step. They didnât want to let him go back to the apartment because they felt he needed more care than Mom could provide. I think Mom agrees.

âHe doesnât talk much to me anymore,â she told me, âHe just lays in bed and stares at the ceiling most of the time. They are giving him steroids; the hematologist is making a guess that his leukemia is affecting the brain, Maybe that will help him.â

Today, she called and said, âHe hasnât eaten yesterday or today. I canât really stand to stay with him for 2 hours at each meal now, he just sleeps all the time. And the only thing I could get in his mouth was a bite of grits, and I had to take them out again because he wouldnât swallow.â

âAre they planning to feed him through the stomach?â I asked.

âThe hospital mentioned that, but the hospice hasnât. I think the hospice is just trying to keep him comfortable. They even asked me what I planned to do whenâ¦â her voice trailed off.

âHow long do they think?â I asked.

âI donât want to plan his funeral. I just canât give up on him. But Chris just called and said I had to plan it at some point. She said if he was buried in Tallahassee sheâd help take care of his grave.â

âBut I donât want to plan it. Whatever you and your brothers want is fine with me.â

âOk, Mom,â I said. âIâll check into it and talk to them.â

Personally, I donât think Tallahassee or Orlando or Wauchula or anything like that is appropriate. Dad served his country for 26 years. I think a Masonic funeral followed by a military burial is the way to go. I hate even typing those words, but Iâm looking into this.

The obvious military cemetery is in Bushnell, FL â here is a video on the web about military cemeteries. I thought it was tastefully done: http://www.cem.va.gov/sacred.asp

Heâd get the recognition he deserves. And I called Mom again and did mention Bushnell and she seemed actually relieved that SOMETHING might be done that would allow her to grieve rather than plan. I honestly think anything I came up with would have had the same effect, but the Masons and the military meant a lot to Dad, and honestly to Mom as well as his life partner.

Iâd love your opinions on this, as well as suggestions on what we should do. It may be a week, a month, three months, or even more. But the circle inevitably closes, and we are near a completion.

Meanwhile, I think God is slowly calling Dad home, as he sleeps more and more and more. It brings tears to my eyes even as I write, but I do think it falls upon us to plan where his mortal body will end up resting; Iâll leave it to God to determine how to lovingly care for his soul.

July 4th, 2006 â Thank you, to Dad and those who fought with him to give us this day.


Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## Spotted Crow

My GGM died at 92 in 86. she had had 2 strokes.
My GM died in 91. Cancer of the colon and/or stomach.
My Mother died in 98 at the tender age of 54, actually she was 53. She died 2 days before her birthday. 
I almost lost my Aunt this past September from a stroke. She's 62.
I lost a dear friend and neighbour this past year from Alzheimer's also. He was doing okay until his wife died from Parkinson's, then he got pneumonia...It was really sad to see this man decline from a vibrant senior to someone who sat in his room all day waiting for friends to call. :Bawling: 
My in-laws are 87. My FIL can't hear and can't see out of one eye. My MIL has arthritis and heart problems. At my wedding in 88 they seemed so alive and now I see them slipping away...yeah, I know it was almost 20 years ago...but....
If you don't hear from them during the day, you wonder what the heck happened...
You get scared when they say they're driving to New Hampshire to see their daughter, my SIL, especially when the news says that an elderly couple has died in a car accident...
So sorry about the drift here...
I've loved and cried over your laments, Seeker...seems like alot of us are rowing up the same stream with a plastic fork...
BTW, I'm only 42 and DH is 59...
Many hugs and prayers...


----------



## cc

Dan and all the rest who have shared here, I guess I was one of the lucky ones, my mom died in Dec. 1991 of ALS which doesn't destroy the mind but the body. Mama was sharp right up to the time she just couldn't breath anymore. They could have put her on a respirator but I knew that was the last thing she would want so I had to sign a DNR even though she had already signed one. Now my DH and I are facing Alzheimer's with his mom. My prayers and thoughts are with each of you during this holiday season.


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## Seeker

JULY 26, 2006
=========================

A LAMENT
âon aging parents-
(Mumbling)

The large yellow 'Do not resuscitate' sign flutters to the floor. It was one of those necessary forms that have to be signed and displayed to allow us to bring my father back home.

He was in the hospice for 3 weeks, after the hospital deemed his time was very short. But instead, he has stabilized and hasn't been 'dying fast enough'. How long does he have? '3 hours, 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months' is the standard answer. It's the 3 months part that means he needs to leave.

A nursing home is the preferred place. But there are no beds in any of the homes within driving distance. "Six months for a bed," seems the standard response. And my parents would have to pay the full price anyway - it seems they've saved too much money by being frugal over the years to qualify for assistance.

My mother wants to bring him home. "The nursing homes are so sad," she says, "and it would be better for him to be at home." My worry is about her. Can she shoulder this burden? I don't think so. She agrees, finally, to get help in every day. "I can get a lot of help for $150 a day," she asserts, that being the cost of lower priced nursing homes in the area. Not that I could ever get her to actually spend that much, of course, at home.

As they bring in my father and place him in the hospital bed in his apartment bedroom, I slowly pick up the yellow sign that says he should be allowed to die.

I ask him if he wants dinner yet, since my mother is in the kitchen, already mashing his food into a pulp so he can eat it. As is normal these days, he mumbles something I cannot understand. It has been like this all three days I've been here. I rarely understand what he is saying - so I often make up what I think he means. I am so grateful when he manages to say something clearly.

I know it will get worse, since his growing paralysis has now affected even his swallowing and speech, causing him to sleep almost 20 hours a day.

After my mother attempts to feed him dinner (he didn't eat much), she decides to take the opportunity to get a couple of pillows at the store (my dad needs two for himself) since I am still here until tomorrow and can stay with him. "Check on your Dad a few times while I am gone - see if he is asleep." 

The first two times, he's half asleep, with eyes closed. The third time, I find him staring into space.

"Do you need anything?" I ask.

He looks at me and says, clearly, "Do YOU need anything?"

Is he just repeating my words? He doesn't ever do that. So I think a moment, and then carefully reply, "Just your love."

Again, clearly, he responds, "You got it." He then closed his eyes, once again going to sleep.


Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## Seeker

September 21, 2006
============================

A LAMENT
âon aging parents-
(One Day at a Time)

When will my father die? I do not know, nor does anyone else, it seems. He was in a hospice for most of July, and then released because that day was not soon enough.

Iâm in Europe most of August. Will it be then? I leave my numbers â call every day, Mom, if you need to â the expense is irrelevant. She holds to two-three times a week.

Provence, France. A farmhouse, wine, sunsets, fresh food markets. âHe pulled at his catheter. He didnât know me today. He wanted to go for a walk, but of course he canât move.â

Bergen, Norway. Fish market, beautiful fjords, stunning mountain views and waterfalls. âHe thought he was in a war. He hit me. I know he didnât mean to, butâ¦ I havenât slept much recently.â

Labor Day, Cincinnati. Beautiful fireworks, wine, new friends, our pets impress and make others happy. âThe electricity went out and his bed deflated. I wanted to call 911 but Iâm not allowed to. At least the hospice helped.â

Another quick trip down to Florida for me. Itâs been five weeks. Time to be a good son, once again.

I sit with my father. Sometimes he knows me, sometimes he does not. I get him out of bed, bodily, for the first time in six weeks. It hurts my shoulder, but in his wheelchair, we can cut his hair and trim his toenails. The catheter bag hangs on the wheelchair; he asks to go outside, then says he wants to go back to bed â he is so tired after fifteen minutes.

I war with myself between yin and yang. Between tick and tock. I almost cannot stand being in the room with him, and also cannot stand not being there as well. Three days pass quickly, but also take forever to roll by.

Back in Kansas City, my new book arrives. A truck delivers two pallets. I stare at the result of my labor, a labor of love which has paid nothing in money, but has paid immensely in the fulfillment of dreams. I think backâ¦ âIâm so sorry I couldnât help you sell the book this Christmas. Itâs this darn brain stuff, isnât it? But, weâll get past it. Iâll help you sell your book next year. Ok?â

âWill you even be here?â I wonder. âAre you even here now?â

I call my mother today. âDid you get out of the house?â I ask, concerned because she can only leave when the hospice sends someone to watch my Dad.

âYes, I did,â she says. âI went to Wal-Mart, and the grocer. I got some new prescriptions for your Dad. Then I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken. I ordered in â I know you want me to have some time to myself.â

âI ate at a table by myself. I watched the other people in the restaurant. Then I went back home.â

âItâs all about one day at a time right now, isnât it?â 



Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## Seeker

My father passed away on October 3, 2006.

It's been almost three months now, but I haven't been able (yet) to write a lament about the period from Sept 29 - Oct 10 - the time I was called down because it was "almost time" to the point where he was buried in Florida national cemetery with military honors.

i'm sure there will come a time when I can write about that as well, but not yet, not even as the new year dawns. It takes time.

No one here knows my father, but still, here is the video tribute we made for him - family man, career navy man, fervent teacher.

Don't click if you don't want to spend up to six minutes on someone you don't know. But still, he meant a lot to me.

http://www.youtube.com/v/g4-7cGrvf9A

If anything, I wish all of you who had a loss during this year the very best.


----------



## Shygal

I spent six minutes on someone I felt I knew. 

Thank you for writing from your heart.


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## MarleneS

Sorry for your loss Seeker. Thanks also for the time you have taken to share with us about your father, you certainly made me feel like I have known him also. I sort of thought that was part of the reason you shared.

My daddy died October 7, 2005 so I can relate.

My sister who along with her family, was my father's caregivers in the last few years of his life, asked me, when his time was just about over, to write his obituary. She didn't want the standard newspaper one that says nothing about the person as a person. One of the hardest things I've ever accepted doing. I was very flattered however, when the minister who had not had the opportunity to know daddy used it as the major portion of his service at the funeral.

We'll wait, when you are ready the words will come and we will not only know you father, but you as well.

Hugs
marlene


----------



## Seeker

MarleneS said:


> Sorry for your loss Seeker. Thanks also for the time you have taken to share with us about your father, you certainly made me feel like I have known him also. I sort of thought that was part of the reason you shared.
> 
> My daddy died October 7, 2005 so I can relate.
> 
> My sister who along with her family, was my father's caregivers in the last few years of his life, asked me, when his time was just about over, to write his obituary. She didn't want the standard newspaper one that says nothing about the person as a person. One of the hardest things I've ever accepted doing. I was very flattered however, when the minister who had not had the opportunity to know daddy used it as the major portion of his service at the funeral.
> 
> We'll wait, when you are ready the words will come and we will not only know you father, but you as well.
> 
> Hugs
> marlene



marlene - you are absolutely right - writing an obituary for your own father has to be one of the hardest things that one can do. I'm so glad you were able to do so - it is cleansing in some ways.

I feel the same way you do about funerals - instead of having a preacher who did not know my Dad give the service, his three sons gave the service. I gave the eulogy, my brother (who has a masters in theology) gave a lay sermon, and my youngest brother gave 'final thoughts'.

Everyone said that was much better than a 'normal' funeral. We started out with a video that celebrated their 40th anniversary (from 1995 - they were married 51 years total - TODAY would have been their 52nd anniversary), followed by the three talks, interspersed with my nephew playing the cello (he is going to be a professional cellist...), followed by the six minute video I linked to above.

I'll try to dig up the eulogy (since I wrote it down) and post it here when I can.

Thanks so much for your thoughts - and yours too, shygal.

And my thoughts go out to all who have lost someone - it's never easy, is it.


----------



## Jan in CO

Dan, In twelve days, it will be two years since my own father passed away, and reading your posts brought everything back like a stab in my heart, but I know someday it will be easier. In many ways, it IS easier now, as his final days were like those of your father's, and yours, and your Mom's. Life goes on, and we mend. Thanks for your writings, and hang in there. Jan in Co


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## Seeker

Ok - here is a webpage I made for my father. It includes a 4 minute video from my parent's 40th anniversary, the six minute video I posted earlier, and the eulogy.

http://www.woodsrest.com/2006/danadavis.htm

If you have any interest - I'd suggest the eulogy - if you '"feel you understood him" in the last year of his life, by reading the eulogy, you'll also understand why he deserved the love and care he received from his family. He was indeed one of the "Greatest Generation".... if you are as well, I salute you.

Take care,

Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


----------



## Seeker

I visited my father's gravesite on what would have been his 80th birthday on January 24th.

I flew down from Kansas City to Florida to take my mother there. It was hard, but went well - the headstone had been done properly, sod had been placed around the grave. It was poignant.

We were pleased that they had put up a headstone and sod within 2 months.

Even more so - we went to the area where they buried Iraq KIAs. Wow - almost 90 gravesites - and most with BIRTHdates in the 1980s. So sad.

If anything was 'good' - it was that the most recent burial was a 19 year old who had been killed on January 14th 2007. So probably buried only 4-6 days before. His casket flowers were still on the grave. But yes - at least he ALREADY had a headstone, and sod had ALREADY been placed around the grave.

Not much, but it was something.


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## uncle Will in In.

Seeker, I'm 73 and on a downhill slide. So many unknows yet to take over my mind and body that it is unpleasant to contemplate the future. My wife of 53 years is on the same course. We have 4 kids, but there would never be any who could or would be a full time live in as you are.
Even though your parents may not show it to well, they are blessed to have you there to handle the little emergencies, and some not so little at a moments notice. We become as children, and are not safe without a "sitter". Your being there is everything. Life is such that you will not be able to or expected to alter their journey into the unknown. God Bless You and your parents. Unk


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## Seeker

My father passed away six months ago tomorrow. 

Amazing. In one sense the six months was a moment, in another sense it was forever.

I miss him terribly - yet life continues moment by moment, step by step.

And this is SO NORMAL - people pass away every day.

So why isn't it easier?

http://www.woodsrest.com/2006/danadavis.htm


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## donsgal

Seeker,

There was a time, in this country when the God of Medicine did not rule the world when people became old and died and it was accepted as the natural and normal cycle of things.

Today, so much time and effort is spent on preserving life at all cost, that we have come to fear aging and death, which is unfortunate. Old people get face lifts in an effort to stave off the inevitable. No one, not even the faithful, not even the DEVOUT, want to face the reality of it. 

I know it is hard to find peace in the process, and in the knowing. You feel fearful, sad, helpless. We all do, who are in your position. Try to come to terms and accept it, embrace it if you can, experience it and live in that experience but in a POSITIVE way. Know that it is right and good and natural even though it is difficult to accept and deal with.

By the way, your father's decline seems so sudden. I would strongly take a look at the medications that he is taking, especially high blood pressure medicines. I have read recently where they can cause dementia-like symptoms. Apparently, according to the article, as we age our circulatory system becomes less elastic, in order for our blood to reach vital organs it is necessary to have a raise in blood pressure to force that blood through those crusty old arteries. Often high blood pressure medicine is prescribed to lower the increase, effectively cancelling that beneficial action which the body has put into motion. Often it causes the brain (since it is furthest from the heart - and uphill besides), to become deficient in blood and oxygen thus causing dementia type symptoms. 

Donsgal


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## donsgal

Spotted Crow said:


> My GGM died at 92 in 86. she had had 2 strokes.
> My GM died in 91. Cancer of the colon and/or stomach.
> My Mother died in 98 at the tender age of 54, actually she was 53. She died 2 days before her birthday.
> I almost lost my Aunt this past September from a stroke. She's 62.
> I lost a dear friend and neighbour this past year from Alzheimer's also. He was doing okay until his wife died from Parkinson's, then he got pneumonia...It was really sad to see this man decline from a vibrant senior to someone who sat in his room all day waiting for friends to call. :Bawling:
> My in-laws are 87. My FIL can't hear and can't see out of one eye. My MIL has arthritis and heart problems. At my wedding in 88 they seemed so alive and now I see them slipping away...yeah, I know it was almost 20 years ago...but....
> If you don't hear from them during the day, you wonder what the heck happened...
> You get scared when they say they're driving to New Hampshire to see their daughter, my SIL, especially when the news says that an elderly couple has died in a car accident...
> So sorry about the drift here...
> I've loved and cried over your laments, Seeker...seems like alot of us are rowing up the same stream with a plastic fork...
> BTW, I'm only 42 and DH is 59...
> Many hugs and prayers...


It is not my intention to hijack this thread so I will be brief. No doubt the people you mention have a laundry list of medicines a mile long. My GM died at 83 from sudden cardiac arrest (basically her heart just stopped). She had no ailments and did not take any prescribed medication. My mother is 80 and does not even take aspirin. Today's pharmacopia has the harshest, strongest drugs ever known to man. They are poison and they will kill you - often slowly - and painfully. Look at the over-all health of people over 50 years old versus 100 years ago when farmers in their 80s were working from sun up to sun down in the fields. Diet is a factor, so is stress, so is pollution, but considering that medicine kills more than 100,000 people per year outright, you have to be blind yourself not to see the connection.

donsgal


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## suzfromWi

Seeker, First of all, I hope this thread and your lamants have helped you through all of this. Im grateful this post has been renewed even though I cried reading your words. I have been though too many deaths in the past 4 years and there will be more. Dh is dealing with the old age of his DM [81]and DSF[78] who is going to die soon from cancer. We were just there for a meeting to discuss the future days for them. It was so hard to sit there looking at her face while we talked it all over. You see yourself reflected in their eyes and know it wont be long before we are the ones sitting quietly, listening to our children plan our last days. Of course unlike them, we are putting our wants on paper and not leaving it all to others. The only thing that makes it easier for me, are my beliefs in much more to come for all of us. God Bless you Seeker for revealing your heart to us all.


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## treesonggal

Okay, I confess, I did not read all of these posts. Too many tears after the first page. I too have experienced caring for a grandmother who had dementia, a mother who died of cancer within 90 days of being diagnosed and now my boyfriend's 95 year old mother who is having memory problems. 

I also work about 20 hours a week at an assisted living home so I experience it all times 12. 

God bless all of you who care enough to visit a parent, grandparent or other loved one in a facility. Too many hours are spent alone wishing someone would think of them. That's why a competent, compassionate staff is so crucial. We often become their family.

For those of you who care for loved ones be grateful for the time. It can seem never ending at the time but in retrospect is really is a small fragment of time. And soon, all too soon, it will be ours.

What concerns me is who will care for us? The generations after us are more disconnected, me-focused, fast paced and so age conscious they can't imagine being "old". Aging is seldom honored or respected anymore. And death and the dying process is ...well, that's a whole other post.

At work we have a "new-hire" and the whole staff is up in arms. She's so clueless. Can you imagine being hired in an assisted living home and not knowing what a hemorrhoide is? Having never seen death or gone to a funeral? Thinking these "old folks" need to be entertained but neglecting basic safety considerations? Yeah, yeah, you're asking yourself how she ever managed to get hired!

BECAUSE we were desperate! Either the majority of these people don't want to work for $7-$8 an hour or they want a job but not the real work it involves. Those of us who work in this profession talk daily about poor care, family neglect and what will become of us when we're too old to care for ourselves. And when a we know of a family who is struggling with the emotional and physical issues described in these posts, we empathize. 

Aging is rarely escaped and death never is. We celebrate a new birth but tend to distance ourselves from aging and death. Sadly, we miss so much wisdom and insight during this time if we've not had the courage or patience to participate. 

I come home each day with memories of funny things said or done; ackward/tense moments that were overcome with humor, compassion and smiles; and the warmth of residents' hugs and sparkling smiles still in my bones. Over the years, I've returned again and again to this work because the people have given me so much. And now, as I deal with my own infirmities and consider the next 20 years or so (I'm 54 and have MS), I only hope some of what I've learned with stay with me as I age.


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## Seeker

Today was my mother's 73rd birthday. I called her and I wished her "a happy birthday". We only turned to thoughts about my father for a few moments, but it was obvious that she thought of him constantly, and tried not to mention it to me.

But my thoughts turn to everyone here - there were so many other stories that were mentioned. I won't even try to mention them all - but - what is currently happening? I do wonder and do care.

ceresone - how are you?

uncle Will in In. - has not been on since April, yet has over 4000 posts - that worries me.

suzifromWi - you posted recently with your story, so I'll use you as my statement to ALL who have posted stories like you have - what's current - is it good, bad, inevitable, or finished?

My thoughts go out to you all. 

Take care,
Dan T. Davis
==============
Author of
Infertility's Anguish
The Blacksmith's Gift
An Orphan's Promise


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## AngieM2

seeker - Uncle Will uses Web tv and isn't compatible right now with this version of the vbulletin s/w. But since Country Wishes has shown back up, I've sent him a pm elsewhere suggesting he try again.
Angie


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## COUNTRY WISHES

I am sorry for your loss. May God rest his soul.

My parents are not at this stage yet, but I also foun your laments compelling. Very well done.


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## tallpines

My Dad turned 87 earlier this month.
Mother will be 81 in Nov.

They are still in their own home.
Daddy is more depressed than anything and apparently can hardly function when only the 2 of them are there. He cannot accept the fact that he has gotten old!
Yet when the yard if full of friends and children and visitors, he seems more like a man aged 60, rather than 87.
My daughter-in-law was amazed when she visited there recently with her babies, that Great-Grandpa sat down on the floor to play with the toddlers.
So he swings between being a very old man who wants to die, to being a very spry oldster who wants to live forever.

Its his mood swings that are the biggest deterrent for him-------but, he's from a time when it was not good to seek medical help for depression and such. He'd hate for anyone to think that he is "nuts".

Mother is still mowing her 1/2 acre lawn with a push mower--------2-3 times a week.
All of her much younger neighbors have riding mowers.
Some days she thinks maybe she should get one.

She, too, is beginning to slow down.
Now quite as sharp witted.........and perhaps a bit quicker with her sarcasm at any suggestion that she should hire some help with yard work.

She is still able to drive, altho she seldom takes any long trips any more.

Each year there will continue to be changes.
Seeker, I appreciate your writings...........your guidance as I watch and work with my parents as they decline.


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## ScrappyNana

Seeker,
Your posts touched me deeply and they (although older posts) were timely in my family's lives. 
My grandmother (93) has dementia and most days is fine. The family keeps her in her home, the home she worked many yrs to pay for while raising a string of children with little help from my grandfather. They want to give her every moment she has left in her own home. It is so important to her.
Most days recently, she thinks that her oldest daughter is her mother and the next daughter, is a girlhood friend.
Yesterday she went through the house and collected every purse she could find and hung them around her walker & anytime someone went to the side of the room she was on, she would pull the walker closer. I am not certain what she was thinking they would do other than steal her purses. She went onto the front porch which is on a major hwy and started yelling at people on the road to help her,that she was being held hostage and no one would let her use a phone to call the 'law'. My aunt finally got her back into the house and settled down but then today when the Meals On Wheels guy showed up, she told him the same thing. 
The family is fighting so hard to keep her out of a nursing home but she is getting to the point that she needs more care than they can give her. It is so hard to know what to do.
Thank you for making public the journey you & your parents shared. I'm sure it will continue to touch people in ways you'll never know.
Blessings~


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## Seeker

I started this thread on 12/15/2005.

I continued it on 12/10/2006.

Now it is 12/11/2007. I don't know what brings me back to this about the same time each year.

But, in this case, as a couple of responses said, "You should turn this into something that should be published."

The pain will never go away. But it does dull. It is more like a throb throb throb in an old injury that never goes away instead of the knife stab while going through it.

So - I am thinking of turning all of this into something that can be published - like in a magazine or something. I'm thinking of doing it because it might help someone else who is still experiencing the stabbing of that knife.

But this group of people - all of you - were one of two groups where I posted these that responded with your own stories - your own laments. I thank you for that. The pain is not unique - it is something we all share.

But - can I share them? Can I take your comments, your laments, and include them in what I create for others? I've been told my laments were well written - but a single lament does not tell the story of how this life event is normal, hard, gut wrenching, and EVERYWHERE.

If you posted your lament, let me know if I can take pieces of it and weave it into a tale of mutual lament. If you have a current lament about your aging parents/grandparents/uncle - whatever - feel free to share - even if you don't want me to include your story in this multiple lament.

And thanks to all for your comments during the past two years as I went through this - NORMAL process. Sigh.

Seriously - love to you all - you were a blessing.

Dan T. Davis
www.secondstar.us


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## Peacock

Having just lost my mom, I'm glad to see your thread bumped up again. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who finds solace in writing about it on a forum like this.

As far as legalities go -- if everyone gives permission, better keep it in writing in case a potential publisher asks - but that would be OK.


----------



## Jen H

You are absolutely welcome to use my posts.

I'm up at 4 am because FIL called concerned about how to distrubute the proceeds of the house they sold in New Hampshire 34 years ago. And his car is missing - he wants to make sure I know that his car has been stolen. He wonders why it's so cold outside (he didn't remember that it's winter). He wonders when Husband is going to come in and visit and what the plan is for tomorrow. He's disappointed to hear that tomorrow's just another workday and nothing out of the ordinary is planned. He wants to talk about his big trip to France.

He's not going to France. He gets lost in hotels and has an awful time getting through airline security with both my husband and I right there to coach him through the process. He can't find his way through a city he's lived in for 12 years, let alone an airport. 

He won't remember this conversation in the morning. Nor will he remember the things he's ordered from QVC that I will box up and return next time I get into town.

And so it goes. He'll be 92 in a month. Physically he's in excellent shape, mentally he's slipping further and further away.

Off to have a cry about things I desperately wish I could fix, or make better - but can't. And then try and get some more sleep before the alarm goes off at 6:30.

I'm sorry to use your thread for my own therapy but.... It's 4:30 am, and I get these phone calls, and I'm awake in a cold house...


----------



## ceresone

Seeker, Everyone, good to have the updates. Noticed my earlier posts too, about my sis falling over a cat, and my brother scheduled for knee surgery.
Well,Sis has never walked again, think its just a short matter of time for her, She'll be 85 in May, Brother 82, slipped into a coma right after his knee surgery, (been a year Dec. 20)and remains that way today.


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## ceresone

Forgot to add, my husband also is failing faster, memory, weight--everything is one day at a time...


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## Seeker

Jen H said:


> I'm sorry to use your thread for my own therapy but.... It's 4:30 am, and I get these phone calls, and I'm awake in a cold house...


I don't consider this "my thread" even if I started it. Thanks for sharing your troubles. Hopefully in the sharing, it can be make the load just a tiny bit lighter.

Dan
www.secondstar.us


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## Seeker

Thoughts about this always resound during the holidays - and tonight I made reservations to go to Florida around my Dad's birthday - my mother HATES HATES cemeteries, but has visited the Florida Military cemetery on Jan 24 2007, Jan 24 2008 - and I've made reservations so we can once again (I've been there every time) visit on Jan 24 2009.

But - sigh - this is never easy - and I'm sure many here know that.

How are you all doing in this struggle? Both for your parents, or in some cases for yourselves? I've learned parents/children are not much different (my third children's book reflects that strongly) - it's just a "matter of time".

Take care,
Dan T. Davis
www.blacksmithsgift.com
www.orphanspromise.com
www.carpenterslegacy.com (cross fingers - next year!)


----------



## Seeker

So maybe, now, it's time.

What, over two years. You'd think one would be 'over it' by now.

But no, that's now how it works.

Written: December 8, 2008 (one day after Pearl Harbor Day - thank you, Dad, for your service)

My sweet little 12 year old sheltie comes over and nudges me as I begin to write. She has so often understood my feelings - and I must be emoting like crazy at the moment.

Dec 8 2008 - on events from late September 2006.
--------------------------------------------------

The phone rings. What a simple thing - you always pick up the phone and say "Hello?"

And so I do.

"Mr. Davis? This is the hospice group in Tallahassee. I wanted to let you know what was going on with your father. He fell into some kind of coma yesterday - and, based on what we know, it won't change. You said you wanted to be contacted - you may want to come down and say goodbye."

"Goodbye?" the words are pulled from my throat, though I knew all along this time would come.

"We don't think it will be long." says the hospice nurse. The hospice has been the most fantastic thing about this journey - their thoughtfulness and understanding - I will never forget.

Ok, then. It's time for the next step. My wife, Jan, is my soul mate - she immediately says - "We have to go - NOW."

Money has been tight, but money does not matter. We pile both of our puppies (6 and 10 - yeah, puppies, right) into the car, and start driving.

24 hours. Driving. Driving. Driving. We show up in Tallahassee. Not Orlando, where my Dad would think he should be. But I guess that doesn't matter anymore.

We walk in - his eyes are closed in his hospital bed. And he will never awaken again - he will never say "I love you" to me anymore.

It is less than a week before the end.

My task falls to helping my mother - to plan for the end.

My wonderful, wonderful wife takes on the transition to heaven. She spends the next few days reading the Bible to my father, even while I and my mother lament and wander in the next room.

"He hears me," says Jan, "So I must continue."

Even if I cannot.


----------



## Sabrina67

My mom is only 64..she is beginning to have memory loss, just as her father did so many years ago. She knows she is geting foggier and is in a panic, her father had early onset alzhiemers and she is terified she will also. 
I think it is so sad for a full life to end as so many have, with the person having no clue who is caring for them...who loves them dearly. I really feel that I will be caring for her much too soon. But it will be an honor.


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## Seeker

December 8, 2008 - yes, at this moment
on events from the end of September 2006 to October 3, 2006 - the end of an era.

--------------------------------------

So, it's come to this. An apartment in Tallahassee, a small bedroom with a yellow sign saying - "let this man die'.

A man who served his country so well. Joined the Navy at 15. Almost died during WWII. Raised a family. Got his doctor's degree. Served as superintendent of schools in Florida. Taught college and middle school until 78.

Does any of it matter? Will anything be remembered?

I make phone calls. We need to put pieces in the newspaper - even that is an anachronism in our internet world. But something must be done - something must remain.

He is still there in the other room - or maybe not. But Jan believes he is as she continues to read from the Bible to him. I am both my father's and mother's son - just as my mother can barely tolerate to enter - I enter only to hold his hand as Jan continues to read Psalms.

So - burial plans, military salutes, masonic pledges. Why do I plan only endings when I should be celebrating 79 years of service, love and joy?

The hospice offers to take him back in. We gratefully agree - it is Sunday October 1, 2006 - they took him for 3 weeks in July, but released him under the concept that "3 months" was too long to keep him. And they were right - it has been 3 months.

Time to take him back - to help him move to the next stage - beyond this life.

The man - wheels in a adjustable 'bed' - and helps move my father into it. 

And then - my Dad goes away.

I go to bed - we get up the next morning and visit him in the hospice - it is Oct 2. I hold his hand, my mother holds his hand.

But neither of us are good at this. We leave within 30 minutes.

We come back in the evening and repeat the process.

Jan can no longer read the Bible, but does her best to support us.

We go to bed. We will go back to see him in the morning.

We are tired. 8:00am arrives and goes - with us still asleep.

Way past when we intended to awaken.

My cell phone rings.

When you get a call, you always pick it up and say "Hello?"

And again, so I did.

"Mr. Davis, I'm sorry, but your father passed away in the last 30 minutes."

"Thank you," I say, though no thankfulness is in my heart.

We had planned to be at the hospice between 8 and 8:30.

I realize my mother is already awake, dressed and ready to go.

It is 8:40am - still in my pajamas, I slowly walk into the next room.

"Mom, he's gone," is all I can gasp.

And then tears ensued. Both then - and now - two years later.


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## chickenmommy

Dan,
I am sitting here in full on tears. Your life is my life. Your father is my Mother. To a point. I am still waiting for that call from Hospice. Actually I am wishing that call would come soon. What a horrible long wait it is. She would so hate her life if she knew what it was. Or wasn't any longer. Such a sweet, loving being she could be. The person I visit in the Alzheimer's ward is not her. I leave after every visit crying. Wishing she would be called home, healed and whole again, and back to the person she used to be. God bless you and your journey. If it is ever wholly in print, please let us know here. I am sure there are many here that, like me, would be interested.


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## Seeker

chickenmommy

Yes, I hope that someday these laments will see publication. I'm a writer - but it is not 'seeing it in print' that concerns me - it is remembrance.

I have written (ha) children's Christmas books - the first is about childlessness (Santa and Mrs. Kloss are the most famous childless couple of all) - because that reflected my and Jan's journey.

The second children's book (maybe again ha) - is about being an orphan -about being alone in the world - and honestly - at some point - doesn't that represent us all?

The third book - "A Carpenter's Legacy" - is - and this is the BIG "children's book - HA" - is about this thread - about endings - but about why we create 'make-believe' to make it all 'ok' - about why life is really about WHAT WE REMEMBER. 

I hope to have that book out next Christmas - maybe. 2010 if not 2009.

And I hope my laments someday see print.

It's about meaning - and remembrance.

So excuse me as I write my last lament. (This IS - right now.)

And thanks for you comments. They're appreciated.

And so are Rose2005's, Sabrina67's, and I hope I remember correctly, because the comments truly touched me - ceresone's.

And so we continue.

Take care,
Dan T. Davis
www.blacksmithsgift.com
www.orphanspromise.com
www.carpenterslegacy.com (next year, please, God)


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## Seeker

Dec 8 2008 - on events after Oct 3 2006

My father is dead.

Four simple words that are more complex than most things I have ever known.


The world becomes a blur for me in a way similar to the blur that he must have gone through in the last year of his life.

"We need a dvd for the funeral home."

"You do know that Columbus day is a federal holiday - we can't bury then."

"What's the time of the funeral?"

"Who's arranging things?"

You do your best. You have to. You have to keep going.

So many things you have to deal with that you don't even want to THINK about.

"We need to move your Dad's body from Tallahassee to Orlando. Then to Bushnell for the burial."

"Ok, fine."

"We need to decide which papers to put obituaries in. Given his prominence, we can put it in many papers. Only $75 per paper."

"Just Orlando and Avon Park."

Does life really end this way?

The day of the funeral arrives. And here - happily (?) - we see meaning. We have no pastor - though we are all fervent Christians.

Instead - I, the oldest, give a eulogy. My brother gives a lay sermon - recognizing his life. And my youngest brother - with eloquence - describes my father as a good man.

My nephew - a teenage cellist who will go far - plays for him. He breaks down in the middle and begins crying. Another niece and nephew, younger, also begin to wail. Such was my father's presence. Still, a mother's touch allows my nephew to continue and finish a memorable performance on his cello.

What does it feel like to observe an empty shell in a wooden box? 

I am so proud that the Masonic Lodge sent FIVE representatives to the funeral to honor my father. And seven came to his interment. My father gave many farewells to other masons - and the masons were indeed grateful for his service, just as our military was.

But - on that day, one of the Mason's came to me and asked, "You know your father is wearing his "Master Mason" pin. That's a valuable, honorable pin. You may want to remove it before he is buried."

My response was simple. "It is valuable. And I will always know where it is."

The day after Columbus Day, we were at Bushnell, Florida. What a beautiful place that understands the honor that should be granted to those who have gone before us. And what a sad site to see bulldozers creating new sites - because those of our greatest generation have been dying at such a great rate.

And yes - in a sad quiet moment - seeing those who have died before they were 20 - dying for our country - buried in their own special spot - at least they get sod before the others (small recompense) - ---- - they were born after I was an adult.

Still - our government DOES honor those who have served. A small quiet service, ended by the Masons, was preceded by a 3 gun volley - 7 shots by Navy personnel - a 21 shot salute - in some ways similar to the '21 gun' salute.

And somehow, something I will never forget.

All military funerals are required to have a 'man of rank' attend and honor. If an admiral has died - an admiral WILL attend and honor. My father was a Lt. Commander when he retired, and a Lt. Commander attended. He was probably my age, and could have easily 'tossed this off' as something he 'had to do' as part of his job.

Instead, as he attended, and other personnel folded my father's flag, I could sense his awareness of what was happening. I could see his own mortality in his eyes.

He took the folded flag, and as he said the required words of "thank you for his service" to my mother as he presented the trifold flag - his voice broke, he recovered, and he carefully finished his rehearsed speech.

He didn't know my father. But I, and I know my mother, will never forget the honor he gave as his voice caught within his own throat.

The shots had been fired. The Navy had said its piece. And the Mason's, as my father would have wanted it, closed the book upon his life.

We left the cemetery, knowing they would take care of what needed to be done next.


----------



## Mrs. Homesteader

I am so grateful you were there for them. That is what matters. I am sorry that you lost your Dad. It is so hard to watch our parents who were always the strong ones, the ones we went to for advice, the wise ones, start to go backwards. It hurts when you know that they see themselves headed that way and they want to struggle to not go there. It is so important that we are there for them, even if it is only to hold their hand at the end. May the Lord richly bless you.


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## Seeker

And so it goes.

Two years. No two years and two months and a few days.

"Get over it."

"Move on."

"Just remember the good times and just keep going."

Nothing wrong in those statements, but they do reflect not quite getting it. Someday those who say the above will go through the same thing - we all do.

You do have to get over it. You do have to move on. And you do have to remember the good times and just keep going.

Otherwise, you shrivel up.

And so it goes.

My mom - I was worried she'd follow the "die within one year syndrome". Yay for her - after living in an apartment for awhile, she bought a house. Now she's doing the standard "House values are down with economy - I guess I have to just wait to sell."

Sounds back to normal.

My brothers - one dealing with marriage issues, one dealing with his own book deals - moving, relocating, dealing with the here and now. And doing fairly well.

Sounds back to normal.

My father's family - one moving in with my Mom, trying to save some money, on rent - dealing with her own former husband's passing. Still.

Sounds back to normal.

Me? Come on - it has been OVER TWO YEARS. I have things to handle, things to deal with. A new book maybe. A new job maybe. Figuring out what I want to do when I 'grow up'...

Sounds back to normal.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds. And I guess it does.

Still - there are times - you go to a cemetery, you touch a headstone and say 'happy birthday' - with a tear in your eye - and then

you move on - because ----------------- things are back to normal.

And so it goes.

----------------

Dan T. Davis
www.blacksmithsgift.com
www.orphanspromise.com
www.carpenterslegacy.com (Next year! Cross fingers!)


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## Truckinguy

Well, when I sat down this morning I didn't have time for all this, just a quick check of the e-mail and homesteadingtoday and off the get things done. Well, I discovered this thread and couldn't stop reading as tears streamed down my face. Watcher, you have a fine way with words and the other stories on here really expressed the love and respect so many have for family members.

My Dad is 68 and my Mom is 67 and two finer people you won't find on this earth. The have succesfully raised eight kids (now 42 to 23) and are called Ma and Pa by many others who are not their children. When I was a kid my Dad was the biggest, strongest, fastest, smartest and most skilled man in the world, a giant of a man in my eyes with a love of his family that ran deep and true. My mother was the most loving, kind, compassionate and resourceful woman who's love and devotion for her family knew no bounds. 

They are now getting older and not as spry as in the past but still have minds as sharp as ever. They both work and with three kids at home it still keeps them hopping. My Dad surprised me by admitting that he doesn't see as well and is not comfortable driving at night, which is very difficult for him as he has always been a car guy and has an older corvette that he loves to drive. My Mom has arthritis in her hands but still whips up roast beef and turkey dinners for twenty people, which is what family dinner has grown into.

They aren't as big physically to me now (we joke that they are shrinking!) but there aren't enough words for me to express how my love and respect for them has grown over the years. Their love for our family is, if anything, greater now then before in spite of how badly some of us treated them in our teens, which I regret to this day.

I know that someday we will be going through what people here have gone through and are going through. I will likely refer back to this thread when that happens for a source of comfort and inspiration and may possibly print it off to have in case I don't have access to it.

I wasn't part of HT when this thread was started and I thank you for bumping it up.


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## Mrs. Homesteader

Seeker, my Mom died in October of 2005. Someone told me then that each person grieves differently. I cried every day until sometime in February. It has been over 3 years now, and I can still cry many times when I think of her. I was the only daughter and she was my female connection in the family. There is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. It is easier now, but I don't believe I will ever "get over it".


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## granny64

He is much older than I am. I am spending my retiring years being a caregiver, and some days not too happy about it. He doesn' even realize this and is always angry when I have to help him with something. He can't do most things by himself anymore.

About the falling. I found out on a caregivers group that alot of times when old people fall it is because they have a urinary tract infection. We are going through that now. He started falling alot, and sure enough he had a UTI. The Dr says anytime there is infection, one is more prone to falling. His balance is all messed up from falling off the roof ten years ago on his head. He has been slowly going down hill every since.

Can't even tell you what all we have been through. He thinks I make him use a walker so he can't get better and that he does not need it.

He can't carry on a decent conversation anymore. He lies about everything....ect...ect....

Today, I am out shoveling every couple of hours as the snowplow shoves it 12 inches high back into my driveway... The shoveling wouldn't be bad if it weren't for that.

The days look dark. I am truly sorry for all that have to experience this. If one has their right mind, it is a blessing.


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## ceresone

Oh, Granny54, I hurt for you--My hubby has decided I'm trying to poison him, has his cat take a bite before he will eat. So argumentive, and I understand the lies, but He cant help it, it's whats wrong with his mind.
My brother died a few months ago--not much longer for my sister. Myself- I'll be 72 this summer, and see so many younger dying. 
My Mother died Dec 7, 1977, so Pearl Harbor day is remembered for more than one thing here.
Bless You, Seeker


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## Seeker

ceresone - great to hear from you. Your posts in this thread always spoke to me.

So how are YOU doing?


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## Seeker

I visited my father's grave again on 1/24/09. He's been gone for over two years.

It just doesn't seem right - yet when we visited the military cemetery at Bushnell, Florida, I glanced over at the empty field across the street.

Empty field? Well, it had been. On this day, it was completely full - decorated by those white stones - each one symbolizing an important life.

FULL. They were now creating new white stones somewhere else. It had been just an empty field before. Now it held the remains of so many.

In this sense, two years is a very long time.


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## Seeker

And so it goes.....

The below is a 'reprise' of the multi part segment I wrote called "A Lament on Aging Parents" when I dealt with the decline and passing of my father in 2006. I still hope to have that published in a magazine at some point - and yes, I have my father's and mother's permission. They read some of the items (my father could only read to a certain point of course) and said they deserved publishing. Now - I reprise this with my puppy.

This is a present day event - when I say "tomorrow" in the lament, I mean tomorrow.


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## Seeker

A Lament: On an aging beloved pet

My right hand cups water from the bowl as my left hand props up her head. She fervently licks tiny bits of water as it leaks between my fingers onto a blanket we have placed upon the rug.

I know I&#8217;m probably hurting her &#8211; the pancreatitis she miraculously survived two years ago has once again inflamed her insides. Three days on IV saved her then &#8211; nothing passed through to incite the organ - and the flames subsided. Last week, I watched the bile once again emerge. I cringed, knowing she had also developed congestive heart failure during two years of survival.

And the economic times &#8211; the money spent then seemed so much more precious now. Without any IN-come &#8211; how could we justify another three days?

She sleeps on the bed. She always lies against my side, but with her head pointed toward the foot of the bed. Tonight, I reverse that, knowing she is too weak to argue. I place her head near my own, and cradle her in my arms. If she goes, I want her near me.

I truly believe this wonderful dog, my &#8216;daughter and heir&#8217;, saved my life years ago. You&#8217;ve heard, and probably scoffed, as I have, how they take away the pains and suffering of those they love. Yet, I have had a major heart incident and have always had digestive issues &#8211; and she has always been there to take some of it away.

We spend the three days &#8211; she is worth it. She comes home and seems happy to once again eat without pain. But it is only six days &#8211; and once again &#8211; the flame returns.

She&#8217;s a DOG. She&#8217;s 13 years old, has congestive heart failure, severe pancreatitis, and probably liver issues. And you spent how much &#8211; AGAIN?

No &#8211; she&#8217;s a FAMILY MEMBER. She&#8217;s my little girl. I hold her close to my chest as we drive to our family vet; the expensive way didn&#8217;t solve the issue this time. She adjusts herself to look out the windows of the car &#8211; she is still fascinated by all around her.

Over the phone, even our vet questions our abnormal persistence &#8211; then sees how alert and interested she still is in this world &#8211; and immediately offers possibilities. We give her an anti-nausea shot, a holistic treatment for pancreatitis, and then inject her with 250ml of water.

Once again, we can regain control. Tomorrow, we can do something. We are taking her off of all food and water once again (other than her meds), but to prevent dehydration, we will give her water &#8211; not through an IV, but through subcutaneous injections &#8211; via our hands.

We know her time is limited. But, now we can do something to give to her some of what she has given to us. Nothing can &#8216;save&#8217; us from the ravages of age, but as long as she has a will to live &#8211; to be with us &#8211; we will do all we can to help her accomplish her goal.

We love you, Akiko.

Present day: September 21, 2009 9:50pm


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## mellba

Seeker, I hope Akiko is better today.


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## Cindy in NY

I'm so sorry for the pain that you and Akiko are suffering.


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## Ezekiel's Garde

I'm so sorry. I can empathize a little bit. I am only 31, but was a later in life child, and my parents are aging. It is so tragic to see your once-strong dad declining.

(((hugs)))


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## Seeker

Was that MONDAY night? 

Akiko is still with us, and time blurs. She is NOT doing well, but we are about to try to re-introduce food. If she cannot hold food, we will have to give up. I am not as hopeful as I would like to be.

Still - this is one of the most self-aware dogs I've encountered. Certainly I'm prejudiced, but I feel and see nothing near the same in our other sweet sheltie, Crystal.

This dog seems to know what is going on. Truly weird - I am not a big "dogs are like humans", but this dog begs to differ.

I should write another lament, but not now.


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## Seeker

Ezekiel's Garde said:


> I'm so sorry. I can empathize a little bit. I am only 31, but was a later in life child, and my parents are aging. It is so tragic to see your once-strong dad declining.
> 
> (((hugs)))


I will always miss him. It will be 3 years on Oct 3 since he passed, and although the pain is not as stinging, it is a dull throb that will never go away.


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## SageLady

I have a beloved sheltie that just passed a month ago from bladder cancer. I do know exactly what you mean by a dog being self-aware. Our sheltie was the same - it's pretty amazing and so terribly hard to lose them.

Lost both of my parents in the last 5 years. I also understand that pain all too well....


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## Seeker

Two Facebook Posts from today:

Dan Davis:

I'm losing my "best friend" at 3pm today. She has tried very very hard to stay, but this bout is too much for her. We will miss her. I have a few hours left with her. She even shares my profile picture.

Funeral for a Friend - we will raise a glass in honor of my beloved sheltie Akiko Saturday at 9pm CDT - I would be honored if you did the same - whether in memory of Akiko or of any beloved animal family member that you have lost in your life. They have blessed us with their presence and deserve more than just being gone. They deserve remembrance - raise a glass to Akiko and to your beloved departed pets with us.


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## sissy

Seeker, so sorry for your most recent pain. They are our children. 
Sissy


----------



## the mama

Mom left us on 9-18-09. We kept her at home as a bed patient on a feeding tube for 2 and a half years. The hospice staff was very impressed by our care. I an a retired RN and helped my Dad. I live across the road from them. I feel guilty now for the times I resented giving up any of my plans to stay with Mom. Someone had to always be there. Dad had errands, food shopping, banking and the bi-monthly all day fishing trip. He needed it for sanity. He had always promised to never put her in a nursing home. Now she is gone and I know she got the best care and love we could give. I feel guilty about being tied down and now I have my life back....but I would rather have her. She died from multiple strokes, so we lost parts of her each time. My daughter told someone at the services that she was not lost, we knew exactly where she is. Mom was 68. I grieve for myself as I miss her, but would never call her back to this existance.:Bawling:


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## rean

mama,

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. :0(


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## Seeker

the mama - 

My heart goes out to you. Loss is SO HARD. We just have to wander through the days until the days become 'normal' again - although they never are the same as they were before - ever again.


----------



## Seeker

And yet another year turns. 

This is the week I fly to Florida, now once a year, versus the once a month I flew in 2006.

My mother has decided to visit the cemetery only once a year - she'd not go at all except she feels an obligation. She decided to pick my Dad's birthday, vs his death day - a smart choice, in my opinion.

So, January 24th, she'll go to the cemetery for the fourth time, put her hand on his gravestone, say "Happy birthday, darling", then start sobbing. We'll have driven there for a bit over an hour, spend 15 minutes or so there, then drive a bit over an hour again to return 'home'.

Of course, that's in addition to me flying from Kansas City to Florida, and then a couple days later, back again.

A marching, a ceremony, but still an important remembrance.

That's this coming week... I think back over 2009 - all of us have 'life', but I think on those I now only can remember - 

Jan's brother Jerry, 
my Godson, Ryan, only 23...
Cathy, a great friend for 25 years, 
Nita, our wonderful neighbor for 15 years, 
Jan's Uncle,

and strangely enough, almost 'mostly', because she was my constant companion, always at my side for 13 years, my little girl - my sweet Sheltie, Akiko.

Time to remember....

but also time to celebrate - to acknowledge those still here, and to appreciate them each and every moment, because we never know what tomorrow will bring.

[Begins to pack luggage for the trip to Florida... this trip is for my mother, the one still living...]


========
Dan T. Davis
www.blacksmithsgift.com
www.orphanspromise.com
www.carpenterslegacy.com


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## Seeker

I just visited my Mom for her 76th birthday. Amazing how after 4 years - she has both coped and not coped with the death of my father. On one hand, we play "rummikub" and she is so excited to win a game after learning how to play. OTOH, she totally broke down when one of her birthday presents was a very nice picture of my father.

and so it goes.


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## HilltopDaisy

Seeker, how are you doing?


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## ceresone

Another death to face this past year, Seeker.
My Sis fell this past October--I made her go to the hospital, found she had pneumonia. We had her transferred to Spf. hospital. She was doing great, while her daughter plans cremation. She came back to a nursing home, doing fine, eating, etc. Her daughter calls me, telling me they had decided "to let her go" From this moment on, her door had a guard on it--her other 4 children and I were banned! Next day, we were told she had been given a morphine shot in each arm to help her "go easy"! Her last words to me were "I cant believe theyre doing this to me."
A natural death we have to learn to accept--but we're all having trouble accepting this.
And the heartache builds...
Hubby still surviving, each day is a blessing--Drs say it cant be much longer.

Seeker--Ceres was my Rottweiler-from that comes Ceresone.


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## charliesbugs

Oh, seeker, this SHOULD be a book along with all the other folks 's writings. it would be a best seller. I am "in all your shoes" as well. My Mom is 91, still at home ( with some help), but, oh, the problems. She goes thru spells of NOT wanting to take her meds. She 'hides' them, throws them down the sink, into wastebasket, in the chair( found enough when I realised what she had been doing-to FILL a pill bottle!). Afeter much arguing,etc. Took heR to doc and he said forget it , don't feel guity if "something" happens, she'd only 'last' a couple months in a nursing home- she'd 'give up'( easy for him to say). Two years went by. Her blood pressure was way up, reflux terrible , and we ended up in ER ( she called me - yet again - when she felt so bad). Back on the meds.. Everything ok for a while. Well, now she is trying the 'tricks' with the lady who cares for her in evenings. I couldn't 'play the game anymore". My own health is not the best and the stress of 'fighting' about the meds was too much. Hey, this was to be a 'quick reply' so ,ENOUGH!! Seeker, thoughts and prayers are with you.. Many of us ARE with you, or will be.. Keep writing.. Right now I could only read part way thru this: I was blinded by tears .. more later


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## charliesbugs

Seeker, you Have to make this a book. I will buy the first copy!!!!! Was tring to figure out how to copy ALL this to send to a dear friend who is going thru this, too, but it's so long...


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## Seeker

ceresone - my sincerest condolences on the death of your sister. nothing else I can say.

And yes - our family member pets are precious.

charliesbugs - I'm looking at possibly magazine articles. my first self-help book on infertility sold a few books, but definitely not a best-seller. My childrens' books do better. The third one is just now out - and although a children's book, it has the concept of with how to deal with the death of a loved one. My strangest (but maybe almost the best) Christmas children's book.

Dan T. Davis
www.secondstar.us

My acknowledgments in my new book mention both my father and my Akiko.
Never forget.


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## Seeker

As to sending this thread to someone, I think you can use (near the top of the thread) - Thread Tools/Show Printable Version, and then click "show 40 messages per page" - then you can capture it as about four pages.

Update: I figured I needed a copy for myself, so these four pdfs contain this thread if you want to send it to someone.

http://www.seekinfinity.com/seeker/stuff/HomesteadingToday-LAMENT1.pdf
http://www.seekinfinity.com/seeker/stuff/HomesteadingToday-LAMENT2.pdf
http://www.seekinfinity.com/seeker/stuff/HomesteadingToday-LAMENT3.pdf
http://www.seekinfinity.com/seeker/stuff/HomesteadingToday-LAMENT4.pdf


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## charliesbugs

Thanks, Seeker, I did copy it to My favorites. Now will have to copy it for my cousin. She lives with her 92 yr old Mom (my Aunt) and is her almost total care giver. She has been dealing with her own cancer diagnosis as well as losing her job due to down-sizing at the company she worked for. AND, taking care of all the problems of an aging parent.. I thought she would like reading all the posts and not feel so alone in all her troubles.. Thanks for the site for your books - I have 4 grandkids-14,13,5,&4, and another to be born in Jan? Still haven't read all the posts yet, but I will. I didn't realise this all took place in 2006 til I skipped around trying to copy some of it. Thanks . Robin


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## Seeker

It was mostly in 2006 (the part about my sheltie Akiko was 2009), and others posts were from multiple years.

Still, the pain only dulls - it never really goes away. "Time heals all wounds" should really be "Time dulls all wounds".


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## Sonshine

We are facing something similar with my FIL.


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## Seeker

Sonshine said:


> We are facing something similar with my FIL.


Sorry to hear, it is NEVER easy.


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## Seeker

Once again, we prepare a trip. Thanksgiving - in Cincinnati vs where we live. Kansas City.

Jan's (my wife) mother is in a nursing home near Cincinnati. She has outlived her husband by ten years now, and in her opinion, she "still exists" - even though HE is gone.

It's strange - she could have a life, could have significant meaning, but her existence was so wrapped up in his, so she just continues.

Sure, he was Spanish, with the prejudice and control that implies, but he was a good man - and she was his support and structure.

And without him, she just sits and smiles in a nursing home.

Still - there is meaning. A caseworker from a church gave a "how much this woman did for me" talk at church - simply through her smile and caring.

The nursing home wants to have me do a book signing - and maybe even have a newspaper highlight it - because SHE is there.

She is known as the "book lady" - because whenever you enter the nursing home - she sits there, reading, near the entrance. And it is usually the Bible.

What does she think? I truly do not know. But I am always blessed when I walk into her room, with Jan there, trying to be a good daughter. And then I see Jan's mom smile.


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## Grandmotherbear

Seeker- I felt my Hospice nurse training kicking in when we went to my Mom's for her 83rd birthday. The fatigue, the unexplained bruising-probably from falls, the sleeping long hours past the time she used to get up and going to bed hours before she used to- most of all the lack of activity and purpose. She was one who did so much- she had plans for almost every day of the week, every week of the month, every month of year. She organized and transported her little group of girl friends- to the casino, to the movies, to the dances, to the card parties- cooked for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Easter. Now she can barely drag herself to the doctor's office. She is going to a restaurant with one friend for Thanksgiving, most of her little group has either died, or had to go to the nursing home. Her baby sister is in the nursing home after her stroke. She still plays Scrabble, now and then, but I notice simpler, shorter words. She realling needs a housekeeper, the old ffriend, who is 10 years younger, is so badly afflicted with Alzheimers she can barely drive. My mother gets short of breath just walking around her house. I figure maybe she has a year left, at most.


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## frogmammy

Odd this should pop up today... Today is my husband's birthday, the second one he has missed. He would have been 63 today, old by some standards. This year will be the second Thanksgiving he has missed, and it will be the third Christmas. I hear I've moved on. Doesn't feel that way, more like meandering.

Mon


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## Chris in PA

I now have the opportunity to help my sister take care of my own Mother. She is going to be 83 on Christmas Day. In the last three months she has gone from a woman who can manage to live alone as long we helped her clean and shop. Now, she lives my my sister and occasionally with me. She tells you about her new outfits repeatily and they were always bought "yesterday". I take her every Sunday morning, when she feel up to it, and we going to services and lunch with extended family so she feels part of the world. When I am finished for the day or after her visits, I am exhausted. When I consider the options of a nursing home or not having her at all... the work is small. I know this will not go on forever... and when it is over.... I will wish I could do it again.


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## Seeker

Yet another lament...

So another chapter has closed. Over a month ago, actually, but...

We lost Jan's father in 2000. My father's story is told here, and he passed in 2006. Our current lament had been dealing with the fact that Jan's mother was in a nursing home in Indiana, with our (mostly Jan's) trips to see her.

The nursing home's Bible lady, her major purpose now was to show others she read the Bible daily. Other than that, she was ready to go... Still, though she no longer walked, though she could only eat thickened goo, though Jan would normally feed her when Jan visited, she was still a cared for... aging parent.

We received a phone call on January 9th, 2011 - Jan's Mom had developed bronchitis, having caught something that seemed to be 'going around'. With her bad breathing/eating system, this could be fatal... she would basically asphyxiate. 

In a phone call from the ER, the doctor bluntly stated, "we can put her on a ventilator, but honestly, given her age and condition, she will never come off it... what do you want to do?"

Was this just a statement about aging (i.e. if she was 50 and in the same physical condition, they'd ventilate anyway?), or was it a simple truth? We did not know, and from 500 miles away, had to make a decision.

Jan was her Mom's power of attorney, and made the decisions, but this was a family matter. She consulted her brothers, they talked to each other, some through the night. The final decision was hard, because it was... probably... indeed final.

"Don't put her on a ventilator, but don't just let her die. If you can make her well, do so. Give her the antibiotics she needs, help her breathe on her own... [and the words fade away after that]"

One brother and their family were at the hospital as Jan's Mom took her last breath that evening. Our adult niece held her hand as her grandmother passed away.

At the funeral, we gave the Bible lady's Bible to that niece. We hope she will treasure it as her grandmother's final purpose. She seemed to appreciate it.

Us? The same thing that occurred in 2006 is still true now. Life goes on. We totally collapsed after the funeral when we returned home - both getting sinus infections. But now, a month later, we say - now what. Oh, that's right, weddings. We went to a Godson's wedding within that last month, and have a nephew's next month.

It's the circle of life, I guess. But the turning of that cycle can be very hard.

2/21/2011 on events of 1/10/2011

Dan T. Davis
www.secondstar.us


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## AngieM2

Condolences for the losses, and the hard decisions. Sounds as if the best was done with what there was to work with.


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## Grandmotherbear

My mother sounds raspy and moist when she talks. I called my brother and suggested it would be wonderful if we could meet at my mothers, on my birthday next Sunday. (he lives 6 hrs away and visits infrequently) He wants to know why. My mother had told me she forbade me to tell my brother anything about her condition. I tell him I can't tell him anything, because I promised. That makes him try to lean even harder on me. I am amazed at how easy it is to resist someone's demands. I was raised to always give in to him. I just repeat It would be good to see you while I'm there.
I still have her abuse in the back of my mind, but I feel sorry for her. She has been trying to figure out how to control my brother, and her grandchildren and nieces and nephews, with her will. She is so frustrated as she realizes she will not be able to control them. I am only free because I no longer worry about trying to win her love or approval or make her admit to what she has done. I know things will never change. I know that when she dies, and it is impossible for any more changes by her, that I will sorrow over it again.


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## Guest

Grandmotherbear said:


> My mother sounds raspy and moist when she talks. I called my brother and suggested it would be wonderful if we could meet at my mothers, on my birthday next Sunday. (he lives 6 hrs away and visits infrequently) He wants to know why. My mother had told me she forbade me to tell my brother anything about her condition. I tell him I can't tell him anything, because I promised. That makes him try to lean even harder on me. I am amazed at how easy it is to resist someone's demands. I was raised to always give in to him. I just repeat It would be good to see you while I'm there.
> I still have her abuse in the back of my mind, but I feel sorry for her. She has been trying to figure out how to control my brother, and her grandchildren and nieces and nephews, with her will. She is so frustrated as she realizes she will not be able to control them. I am only free because I no longer worry about trying to win her love or approval or make her admit to what she has done. I know things will never change. I know that when she dies, and it is impossible for any more changes by her, that I will sorrow over it again.


IMHO, people who have wonderful memories of a parent, mourn deeply for what was..and then there are those of us who mourn deeply for what could have been but never was.


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## Seeker

Mourning is mourning... regardless of why or wherefore.

It's a stage we all enter - we begin to mourn even as we still care for our parents.


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## Old John

You know, that's some of the things that scare me.........
I'm going to be 71 this week. I'm doing pretty good. But, I'm slowing down a bit.
I have always had a pretty active social life. We have Friends in for dinner & an evening, about once a month. I love to cook dinner, and the Visiting. 
We are thinking about slacking off, a little. Maybe 8 times a year.

I also go with DSW to her Art Shows at the Galleries, and the drop-offs and pick-ups of the Paintings, before & after the Shows. I'm there regularly so a bunch of the Artists know me and chat. I do get to help her with critiquing her Paintings. At least she lets me think I help.

I guess I could go down & hang out with the Old Guys who sit down at the local DQ, a couple hours each morning, sharing their tales over coffee. But that's really kind of boring.

There's a bunch of Folks over at the one Gallery that get together a couple times a month to play BlueGrass & gospel music. I take my guitars over and pick & sing with them. I know all the Old songs by heart. I don't have to shuffle all those pages like most of them. I play well enough I can still transpose in my head, if they need to change keys.

But........I do worry, about what may be coming on me, on down the line. I have the Dearest, Sweetest Wife. And, I know she'll take care of me. But.......
I hope when I go it's quick & over with. As I see it...A heart attack would be much better than a stroke and lingering on, or the slow death of Alzheimers.
Guess we don't get to choose, though. Take 'er one day at a Time! 
Enjoy what I have!
Have Fun!


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## ceresone

I just want you ALL to know, each and every one of you--that this Post keeps me going...


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## Seeker

ceresone - how is your husband doing?

Dan T. Davis
www.secondstar.us


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## AR Cattails

Seeker, I am so sorry for you and Jan's loss. Heaven has for sure gained another angel.


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## ceresone

seeker--not good. Not just physical, altho thats declining fast. His mind? most days, he dosent know what he is doing, says he dosent feel as if He belongs here anymore. His hearing is going also.
Day by day--but Thanks for asking.


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## Seeker

ceresone - I'm sorry to hear that. It's a long time, and it is hard.

Can you send me a private message with your address, I'd like to send you my latest children's Christmas book - strangely enough, it deals with what you are going through in some sense.

Dan T. Davis
www.secondstar.us


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## ronbre

cared for inlaws through alzheimers and death recently..husband has closed head injury and is mentally and physically disabled and my mother is 91..I understand

did your father have a stroke??


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## Seeker

No, my father had a rare parkinson's/alzheimers combo in the part of his brain that inhibited physical function versus mental. He stayed fairly coherent, while his body refused to cooperate - finally, that included his senses, which began to lie to him (and which people would call dementia, but I believe his mental facilities went to war with what his eyes and so on told him) - like he would see "rats in the room" - and was sincere in asking why we didn't get rid of them.

It's never easy - for any of us. I don't think it is discussed enough.


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## Grandmotherbear

No, it isn't. Our culture obsesses with control over everything and ignores the uncontrollable. Uncontrollable is so frightening. There is such a demand to "name" everything, as if the old magic belief that naming something gave you power to control it. Look at people who go to the doctor. Once they get a "name" they feel relieved and validated-even if there is no treatment. But there is a name, and that is comforting to some extent. If there is no name for what we are going thru, we become angry and even more frightened..
It is my belief that homesteaders - both rural and urban- are going to bring death out of the closet. We know that death is a normal and natural end. Nothing goes forever, with the exception of cancers. A cancer is a cell which did not die at its appointed time. It did not function as it was supposed to, just sucked up all the nutrients around it and kept multiplying. But we, as homesteaders, know. As Disney's writers saID in The Lion King- the antelopes eat the grass, the lion eats the antelope, and when the lion dies he nourishes the grass with his body.
Sometimes, when living is a burden, when friends and family have been outlived, when purpose is lost and pain is a relentless invader, death can come as a friend. Those of us who have chosen the homesteaders mindset, regardless of where we dwell, city, suburb, exurb or rural-know that death accompanies life. Without death, would life be as sweet?


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## Horse Fork Farm

I just lost my Dad and you've got me in tears here. I'm still too close to those feelings your words evoked. I watched the strongest man I ever knew being picked up out of the bathroom floor, the living room floor, the car... by my blessedly strong and willing and patient husband. You should always love your loved ones to that very last step of that very last mile. 

I so miss my Dad now... but on a lighter note, as my 4 yr old will tell you... Papaws in Heaven now, and hes not sick anymore, and he's got all his toes again! Leave it to children to make you laugh when you really want to cry. After Dads amputations, it was totally important that if Papaw had to go to Heaven, that at least he got his toes back.

Keep hanging in there..... God bless.


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## ceresone

Seeker, just a update--my Husband had another MRI yesterday--found 5 more tumors growing in his brain. Dr. said couldnt give me a prognosis, because He had far outlived his expectations.
Grandmotherbear, beautiful!


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## Seeker

Grandmotherbear - I haven't commented on your posts much, because they are so complete and compelling, but they are beautiful.

Ceresone - keep me up to date.


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## Alice In TX/MO

I am the caretaker for a 68 year old veteran who is a family friend, but now lives with us. He's had a rough life, and the last year and a half have been especially bad. But, with the spring, Lonnie has been doing a bit better. The warmer weather, the goat kids to tend to, etc., have had good results.

Last evening, he had a minor melt down. We were having an interesting discussion about a book I'm listening to, The King's Speech. It has really made
me interested in world politics and human nature, and we were talking about that. I made an observation about having a better understanding about the third world thinking we are imperialists, and he said, "It took you this long to figure it out?" He managed to incorporate that in the conversation two more times over the next few minutes, and then said he didn't mean it in a derogatory way. (Sure felt like it)

Then, we talked about how our life experiences (He's a four tour Vietnam veteran and a 32 year career Navy retiree) have shaped our world views, and he started in on me about how I often talk about ideas, and he just sits there and shakes his head and doesn't say anything.

Apparently, he thinks I'm a naive idiot, and has held his tongue until yesterday. He rambled on and on about my silly thoughts. Then, he said, "I shouldn't have said anything. (pause) Yes, I should because you needed to know." His comments were very painful to me.

After he wound down, I didn't say anything. He asked what I was thinking, and I said it was almost 6:30, and I needed to feed the goats. He probed a bit more, and I told him that I liked who I am, and if I appeared foolish, it was OK.

At that point, he mentally shifted gears and started worrying that he'd made me mad. He said that if I wanted, he would leave, just get in his truck and
drive away. I told him he'd said that before, and I didn't want him to do that.

My feelings were hurt pretty badly, but while I was milking (what a wonderful meditation time), I realized that what he said has NOTHING to do with me.
It's his thoughts. His reality. Not mine.

When I got back to the house, he was quite contrite. He said that "it came out all wrong." He apologized several times.

This morning, I'm still feeling slightly stung, but it's not so bad. I'd rather be me than him.


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## tallpines

I'm 65 ---- my health is so-so.
I take a handful of pills every morning.

My parents are 84 and 90.
Still live in their own home.
My father is a crabby, pessimistic whiner.
He makes my mother's life miserable.
She still drives and is in good physical shape but her mind is not as perky as it used to be.

I live 160 miles away from them but visit for 3 days once a month.

DH and I are busy with Grandchildren.
One born 6 weeks ago, another due any day --- another being adopted in the next several weeks.
That will make 15 grandchildren --- ages 0 to 14!

I lOVE being a Gramma ~~~~
My marriage is stressful ~~~~~~~
My parents' need for me will be increasing ~~~~~ (Dad spent a night in ER just last week).

Dear God, give me the strength so make all the right choices and decisions.
Help me to deal with all the different emotions that will eventually overwhelm me.
Remind me that You will not give me more than I can handle.
When it seems like more than I can bear, remind me that You are there to help me carry the load.

To the other posters ---- thank you for sharing your stories ---- I pray for all of you.


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## Seeker

And so it goes.

I talked with my Mom via Skype last night (she's the last - my Dad passed in 2006, Jan's parents passed in 2000 and 2011).

It was about wills, money, and where things would go - I'm the executor.

She's ONLY 77.

But she is alone. And I'm sure the wolves in the night speak to her.

It's scary. Will I be that way someday soon?


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## suzfromWi

I have lost my mom and dad, two sisters, three brothers, and just this last year DH lost his mom. We were there when she died at her home, and her last day was bad. No one should have to suffer such indignity's when they die. I still have issues with the memory of it all. I'm an absorber so I cant let it go as easy as I would like. I have four older sisters, and one brother left, and I know I will lose them in the next few years. They are all in the late 70s, 80s. Dh has mild Parkinson s and I fear the changes that could come, but fear even more losing him. Hes 72. Growing older is not for the faint of heart, and I wonder often whats it all about? Then I look at my adult children, and grandchildren and great grand child, and see what has been given to this earth. Life DOES go on... I'm trying to leave good memories behind me, so they can smile and laugh when I'm gone...Like I do, when I think of the loved ones Ive lost...


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## Nomad

I have read through this thread and it scares me. I am on the other side. I am only 63, but my daughters are just 19 and 15. The oldest has been determined to be psychologically disabled by the state and Social Security. I am so afraid for them. I have had some serious health issues in the past two years and I don't know how long I'll be able to take care of them. I have been trying so hard to buy a place, so they will have some security when I'm gone. What would they do if I go soon or start to lose my mental faculties? It is a constant worry to me. I was on my own and married at 18, my girls aren't able to do much on their own. I really don't know what to do. My mind is still pretty sharp, but I can't pull things up as fast as I used to. Is that the beginning of the decline? My father died at 54 and I never met him. My mother lived well into her 80's and as far as I know she still had most of her mind. I'm glad I read this thread though it has been so painful for the OP. I just pray that I don't put my family though too much. I'm pretty sure they will take me to the bus station and leave me if my mind does go, so maybe they'll be okay.


Nomad


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## soulsurvivor

My husband and I are the same age and both of us have medical conditions that don't offer any "cure". We're in the process of turning our small home into a home nursing facility for ourselves. We have funds committed to hiring staff to take care of us when that time comes. We have one son and he's got more than his share of family duties for his wife and children. We want this to be very easy for him to manage and still remain free enough to live his own life. We all understand that sometimes even the best laid plans can go very wrong, but we hope we've been able to forsee some of the possibles and go from there.


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## Seeker

Jan and I are beginning to "let go" of our "things" - and we are ONLY in our mid 50s. Still, what's the value of this stuff? In our case, we don't have children - so none of it can go to them - the best we can do is give heirlooms to nieces and nephews as they get married.

Strange thoughts.


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## Melissa

I think that is a very good idea. Going through someone's stuff after they are gone can be exhausting, best to give it away while you are still alive.


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## Seeker

Another resurrection.

One parent left. Sounds like a countdown. 2000 - Jan's dad, 2006 - my dad, 2011 - Jan's mom.

My Mom is only 77. I used to think of that as a high number. An old number, But at 54 myself, now, not as much.

I'm looking at the next 20 years - what's next. And yes, then I'll be her age. But I look at wedding pictures, and see her at 45, and she was old to me then. 45 - that's so old.

Part of a lament is understanding you will be there - much sooner than you want to be.


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## AR Cattails

Seeker said:


> Part of a lament is understanding you will be there - much sooner than you want to be.


I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm 54 myself and what you wrote above is so true. My parents are declining so fast. One with alzheimers and the other with dementia. And I'm scared to know that in 15 to 20 years I will be the age they were when they were first diagnosed. Time is passing by too fast.


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## StatHaldol

God bless all of you going through such a difficult time as this...


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## Seeker

So, now, my Mom, left without a pension, left with nothing, after 5 years says - "he says I'd be taken care of..." 

She was a good military wife, so when the Navy said, "you get nothing", she relied on their savings - but after five years it is gone.

And I'm now left with the research, which, unless the "government" is wrong, will show my Dad (knowledgeably or not), clicked the "give me the most money and nothing happens after I am gone" (because of course when you are younger - death never hapens).

I don't know what I will find, but I think I do. It will be that click - that now appears ----ing - of a higher pension, but one that ends when HE dies.

And my Mom lived with that ALREADY for 5 years, but now, with the money gone, it will seem a betrayal.

It wasn't meant as a betrayal. I know that.

But now I have to deal with the issue.

Sigh.


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## ceresone

Seerker, my Husband passed away March 5, 2012....


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## Seeker

ceresone, i'm so sorry to hear this, and am sorry it took so long for me to see your message - i missed it on the first run, and only saw it today in doing a search.

My sincerest condolences.


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## dancingfatcat

May God bless you today and everyday. I can not read this at this time. It is so touching and emotional and real that the words blurs together. I will though, just not today. You write beautifully, poetically, and even with the pain and tragedy I see so much love.


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## sandsuncritters

An update on your mom's situation? What did your research turn up?

I may have some info for you that could help, but would depend on a few factors.

PM me if you like.
Praying for you and your mom.

In His Love
Mich


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## Pony

Such a long journey... Hard to believe the first post was almost seven years ago...

All the best to you, Seeker.


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## Seeker

sandsuncritters said:


> An update on your mom's situation? What did your research turn up?
> 
> I may have some info for you that could help, but would depend on a few factors.
> 
> PM me if you like.
> Praying for you and your mom.
> 
> In His Love
> Mich


I'm big on todo lists, but this one has just sat and stared me in the face for so long.Talking to USAA, I simply have a VA number for Death Pensions at 800-827-1000 and Beneficiaries and Recipient of Pension Benefit at 877-294-6380

Two or three times I've reached for the phone to call - my Mom says my Dad said "she'd be taken care of", but somehow I think he ticked the "give me the most money" box - even if he didn't understand back in 1968. 

I just haven't had the heart to say "send me the forms that he signed" to prove they are right - that my Mom got nothing once he passed.

The thing keeping this on my todo list is the faint possibility that indeed they (the govt) has it wrong, and my Mom is entitled to survivor benefits - but even months after getting these phone numbers - it still sits on my desk - I obviously have it - just pulled it out to type this message.


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## Tana Mc

My father checked that "give me the most money" box, too. My mother contested it and got survivor benefits.


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## Seeker

Tana Mc said:


> My father checked that "give me the most money" box, too. My mother contested it and got survivor benefits.


How did that work? My Mom says for years (forever) he said "you're going to be fine" - and even USAA said many were misled back then and even with a signature, they didn't realize what they were doing - is that how she contested it?

Maybe this should be a new thread?


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## Tana Mc

My father died 25 years ago and it was a horrible shock to my mother to find out that she got NOTHING. My younger brother and sister were still dependant children and it was a struggle. My new husband and I helped out as best as we could. 
Life moved on and we moved half way across the country. 

My mother is fiercely independent and private. She was visiting us this past summer (a rare event....) and somehow the topic of income and finances came up. She casually mentioned that she was getting her survivor benefits....I had no idea that she contested it or that she had been getting survivor benefits for all these years!! 
Basically, the military knows that these men had no clue what they were signing. 

Call them-- they will not be surprised to hear from you. BTW my dad was in the USAF


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## Cliff

Contact the DAV. They will be your advocate and go between and help you get whatever paperwork you need together. They helped my mother tremendously with a different issue. They even got her deceased spouse approved for full disability that they had been denied over 10 years earlier and she got a check for the back money they then owed her.

Just call them and tell them situation and they'll tell you what you need to do. If you try to deal with the VA yourself you'll more than likely just get the run around. It's their job to try not to pay.


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## Grandmotherbear

My mother is seeking to downsize, by trying to force my brother and myself to take her "treasures"- music box collection, fairy collection, tea cup collection, tea pot collection. Neither of us are into that kind of "stuff". What would happen is she would still own them, we would just house them. My dd was upset I "let" my dgd accept some of my mothers music boxes. Dgd is 13 and dd should have just told her flat out if she didn't want her accepting anything from my mother. There is no such thing as a gift from her, there are always strings..
Mother also divided her extensive photo collection and sent everything back to the family member. She had "books" for her mother, father, siblings, my brother, me, my son, my daughter, and my grandniece. For the last 8-10 years she had not been up to keeping up the books so she and a visiting niece wentt hru a huge pile of loose pix and divvyied them up. She told me that she hasn'trecieved ANY thankyous from anyone. I can see where someone might consider it a rejection to get back all their pictures and important cards and letters. 
She talks a lot about her plans to resume her social life but hasn't done so. Also speaks about using the home to (someday) pay for assisted living but she would have to lose a lot of ground mentally before she would accept assisted living. She is the sort, if she lived in a HOA would start a decades long feud - she sprayed weed killer on her backyard neighbor's encroachment on her utility easement-rather than speak to them.
I hope you can get your mom something to help her with her finances.


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## Ardie/WI

I'm 70, although I only admit to being 60. DH is 59.

We've gotten rid of a goodly amount of "stuff' upstairs by sorting through, throwing out or giving it to Goodwill. Recently, I sent my cousin all the VERY old pictures of our deceased relatives because I really didn't know what to do with them. Some of them are probably over 130 years old. My DD has gotten a lot of my other pics and other stuff. Point being, I don't want my children stuck with stuff they don't want


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## Seeker

Grandmotherbear/Ardie

Yep, when it all comes down to it, the reason archives don't really exist is that no one really wants them or cares.

We think they are important, but no, they really are not.

That in its own way, is a lament.

Jan and I were unable to have children, and realize that ultimately, at best, we will be a genealogical dead end in someones genealogy, and no one will care other than birth and death dates.

So - we live the best we can, knowing the future, and realizing the best we can do is enjoy the life we have.


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## romysbaskets

I have read this thread with all your laments Seeker, my eyes filling with tears as I feel the love you felt for your Dad. My parents died young, lives lived that created their early deaths. My Fathers decline went on for 9 years but began when he was only 50. He began using a cane, pain etched across his face, the head aches taking over all his waking moments. He took pain pills as often as he could and our visits with him were clouded by his constant pain. He moved into a trailer on a relatives property when his marriage dissolved. She did not want to take care of him and he had to move on. Our last visit with him there was a frightening occurrence , he asked us to give him the pills so he could kill himself. He no longer wanted to live he said. There was a chilling conversation where one of my sisters angrily held my husband responsible for removing the pills. She felt he had the right to take his own life and still does. Our Father was not that kind of man, a tougher guy I have never met. He was in pain and that pain was talking not him. Our Grandmother moved in as he refused any help from his four kids. She was diabetic and after some time went by, my other sister who lived the closest often visited and found a very disturbing scene that last time. Our Grandmother had gone senile and had begun starving our Dad so she did not have to change him. She was delirious and as the ambulance came for our Dad, he began yelling for his Mom and she for him. Dad was bedridden and not able to walk or even sit up, his legs twisted and bent, they never were able to diagnose his neurological condition but he was fast losing what little strength he had left. When his weight hit 78 lbs, we all saw him as a living skeleton hanging on by a thread, God only knows how this man held on for TWO more excruciating years, his normal weight was 180 lbs. There were calls, visits, letters and each time we thought it was goodbye and our last. I had my fourth child on that March 22nd, 14 year ago and through a horrible childbirth experience where I nearly died, it left me unable to ride in a car for ten days, my Dad lay dying when my son was just five days old. As I cried on the phone to my Dad, I asked him to hang on, I would be there on the weekend. I told him I had had a rough go and I could not get there but that I would. I called my brother when my closest sister could not go. I was only 3 hours away, the anguish I felt in not being able to get there is indescribable. He drove 18 hours to get there straight through because I asked him to and he held our Fathers hand as he lay gasping for air, suffocating, he signaled to refuse the respirator...He died fighting to breath, he never gave up to the very last moment. He died that Friday.....

I never had the relationship I always wanted with my Mother in Law until her last year, it was our best year! There were often daily calls, laughter, recipes, she finally asked me to call her Mom. She was a different person to me, an ally, the kind of woman I had always thought she could be with me, she suddenly was. We shared tears, great happiness, stories, I asked her advice on matters I never had before. She looked happy and content for the first time since I had met her! The apartment she had was as clean as could be, her things arranged in perfect order. Her kitchen was pristine, and not a single belonging was out of place. One day she did not answer the phone to my hubby's call. He commented that one day her would find her passed on. I told him I would go in and I found her, already gone. I checked her vitals and called 911, I knew the fire chief who arrived first, my hubby called a friend to come help me but he never came in as he could not bring himself to. I stayed with her, in tears, gathering up her bits of jewelry and bagging them for her daughters, finding what little cash she had hidden in a drawer, just $60. I had our friend arrive and a neighbor of hers looked up numbers and advised me I had to make arrangements despite the fact I was still standing by her body. The coroner came and I called a cremation service upon that advice, making the arrangements as I was told. I secured her valuables and private papers, check book etc... The family approved of cremation and her last ss check was able to be used towards the cremation and the one time death benefit. Her daughters flew in and we emptied her apartment together, laughing, crying, offering each other things we had given her but knew the other could use...it was quite an experience. In that goodbye as sad as it was, it was a time I would not have missed. I served a purpose, doing a job for my hubby and his sisters none of them could have done. There were no times she struggled with her memory, as clear minded as any young woman could be, she walked and took care of herself until the day she died of a heart attack. The last couple months, she had slowed down and complained about breaking her back canning apple sauce a short time before. It was through me she began canning for the first time in her life...we found the jars later she had canned after she was gone...there were only two little pint jars.......these were her last efforts.


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## ceresone

Seeker, this is still as moving as the first day I read it.
My Husband woke up one day, and didnt know his name! Called ambulance, He had numerous problems, dehydration, blood infection, Drs asked if I wanted to treat him, I said cetainly! Later, our Dr took me aside, and told me that whatever took him would be easily treatable--But I wasnt doing him a favor BY treating. Many on here helped me the next week, for instance, I did not know a person would forget how to swallow at the last. I called Hospice on Saturday, He died on Monday.
I have been in perfect health for most of my 75 years, except for random weak spells, now I find the stress of the last 10 years has affected my heart! So, the Drs say. I think it was just trying to keep up with me--the top of my heart was beating 181 times a minute! so--now on meds to slow my heart--energy gone--my Children come to help me do chores. So, Yes, Seeker-- I too "hear the wolves in the night"


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## CaliannG

I have just spent two hours reading through this entire thread, with tears slowly rolling down my face with each post.

My mother is 65. I am at her house several times a week, helping her with things. She no longer gets on a ladder if no one else is there, because she is afraid of falling with no one to help. She had a full house alarm installed because she is afraid of her home being broken into. 

My mother is a retired deputy. She has kept her service revolver in her nightstand drawer for 28 years. It is odd for me to know she is afraid now.

She tells me that she doesn't want to be a burden, and I try to explain that she is NOT. That I WANT to do these things for her, that I WANT to help her. Even though sometimes I am not at my best, that I have bad days, or times when I want to get things done on the homestead, I realize that I may sound cranky, but it is not that I don't want to be there...I do. I want to spend as much time with her as I can.

She talks about going into assisted living or a nursing home when she can no longer take care of herself. I tell her, firmly, that she will be living with me when she can no longer take care of herself. She says, again, that she doesn't want to be a burden and I say, again, that she is NOT a burden.

Through all the years, she has been there for me, being both mother and father. She has always helped when I needed it, taken me in when I had troubled times until I could get back on my feet, has been a friendly voice when I had trouble dealing with something or another. How could she ever be a burden? It would only be taking care of her as she has taken care of me through the decades.

She is the reason I am alive...many times over. When I suffered deep depression, there were times when the only reason that I didn't "end it all" was because of how much it would hurt her to bury her only blood child.

Sometimes life is frustrating. Sometimes I have bad days. I hope, through repeating over and over again that she is worth ten times any effort I put out for her, that I *want* to take care of her, that I love her so very much, that maybe someday she will stop prefacing every request with "I don't want to be a burden..."

She was not and is not the perfect mother, but she did, and continues to do, the very best she can for me. I was not and am not the perfect daughter, but I do the very best I can for her and I want to do the very best I can for her in the future as well.

For the parents reading this thread with caring children, who are facing the realities of advancing age, PLEASE realize that we love you, and we are not blind to all of the sacrifices you made for us through all of those years. We remember, we know..... so please gracefully allow us to give just a little bit of that back. You are not a burden to us, you are a joy to us...so allow us to care for you as you cared for us for so long.


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## ceresone

I, too, have read back over the threads, and I have tears too--but I'm proud to "know" such a amazing group of people on this forum.
May GOD Bless each and every one of you.


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## Seeker

This thread is almost eight years old.

My father died over seven years ago. 

The gist of the thread occurred in that "eight/seven" year ago period.

Still, it seems that we deal with this each and every day - my Mom told me just the other day that she is now "older" than my father (she was seven years younger when they got married).

The struggle... which can last for years as one gets older - is an eternal one. It's about time passages. It's about dealing with life day to day, as some lives blossom and some fade.

And some are only memories.

For the last couple of years, I've posted my father's picture in military uniform as my profile picture on Facebook on Veteran's Day. I probably began on 11/11/10, but emphasized it on 11/11/11.

Well, it's 11/9/13 now, so I just did it again. It was ALMOST a perfunctory act, after all he died seven years ago. Still, I wanted my Mom to see it, and maybe others to know how much he meant to me.

I changed my profile pic, and of course Facebook made the obligatory "Dan T. Davis just changed his profile pic." Ok, job done.

Then....

the likes started coming in, the first from my nephew who broke down playing his cello at my father's funeral - within moments.

I sat stunned, as the instant pop ups kept coming in - I mean, I'm computer savvy, but this never happens. A like from a young man in Korea, who we helped through his formative years (8-11). Likes from friends, from acquaintances, at least ten within 60-90 seconds.

Sure, some were also perfunctory - the sympathetic or salute to our veterans.

Still, my cousin put in as a message "Loved my Uncle Bud", and I just sat there, still stunned... certainly, the moment, the minute passed, but "we remember".

As I posted two years ago...

On this day, 11/11/11, let us resolve to never forget those who gave their very lives so that we could live. To me, Veteran's Day is one of the great holy days. Ultimate sacrifice is a gift never to be forgotten.

My Dad may not have died in a war, but he gave his life to serving his country.

His epitaph is "Country Family Teaching" - and on this day, I salute him and all who have served... and will probably do so every year hereafter.

11/9/2013
7:11pm


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## pattycake

Your father's legacy will live forever thru you and others. You have had such a profound effect on me (and I am sure others )with your beautiful writings. I am proud for your parents on what a thoughtful and loving son they had.


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## buslady

I just re-read this and cried all the way through. I would love to buy a copy when it is for sale. Thank you for sharing. Buslady


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## Seeker

I started to put something together about a year ago and stopped. Even after seven years, I am not at the point where I can make something coherent out of it.

I want it to be more than just my laments - I want it to encompass how we all deal with this, in different but similar ways.

The closest I've come to incorporating these types of thoughts into something was in my third Christmas family book.

That all said, I am hoping to make small bits that might work as magazine articles sometime soon. We'll see...


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## Jan in CO

I too, reread this entire saga. As a 65 year old woman who doesn't feel old, but takes care of her 92 year old mother, I know the day will come when I do feel old and need care. My son always asks me if things are ok, are we ok, can he do anything? I can't reassure him enough that yes, dh and I are fine. For now, I tell myself. I'm not afraid to live alone, or to walk to the barn in the dark, but I may get that way. I hope that your Mama was able to get survivor's benefits, Dan!


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## badlander

The hardest things a child has to face isn't loosing your parents. It's reversing rolls and becoming the parent to your parents.

I was caregiver to my parents for almost 20 years watching them slowly succumb to dementia.

All I can say is there is a special place in heaven for caregivers. Do I regret doing it for them? No. Would I do it over again? No not by myself.

God bless you and your parents.


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## Seeker

Maybe we weren't adamant or firm, or willing to sue enough, but we pretty much got closed doors wherever we went, re survivor benefits.

Hard to get the energy to "start again" and try again.


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## Seeker

badlander - just saw your message. (Just got back from Florida visiting my Mom)...

Yes, there is indeed something special about caregivers. My Mom did it for my Dad, and the hospice help was amazing.

I don't know that I could do such, day by day...


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## badlander

Seeler you would be amazed at what you can do when you have to do it.

The big thing is to learn to recognize when you need help and not be too proud to ask for it whether it be family friends or church.

There may come a time when you realize that you have no choice other than to seek out custodial care for a loved one. If that happens you will hear comments like "how can you do that?" When you do you tell the person that you need help at least 6 hours three times a week and what days can you sign them up for? Trust me the criticism will stop real fast.


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## Michael W. Smith

The following was written in this thread December 16, 2005



Michael W. Smith said:


> Coming up on the 1 year anniversary (Christmas day) when my Grandmother fell and broke her hip. She had alzheimers for several years before this and was in a nursing home. Some days when I went to visit, it was really Grandma with a big smile when she saw me. But more often than not, it was that blank stare, usually not saying anything other than to ask a question only to ask it again a minute later.
> She passed away in April, and I am grateful that the nursing home called me when they did. I sat beside her, put her hand on her Bible, held her other hand and talked to her telling her how much me and the rest of the family loved her, but it was time for her to go. We would be sad to have her gone, but would get along without her. Besides, her mother, father, grandparents, and some brothers and sisters were waiting for her. I told her to go to the light, there was nothing to be afraid of, and she had a good life and served God, and Jesus was waiting to greet her. Within an hour of me getting there, she was gone. I was honored to hold her hand as she left this world.
> 
> My wife's parents are in their late 70's now and their age is starting to show. Her mother is having memory problems (doctor says it isn't Alzheimers but I'm not so sure). Her father can be quite the problem (ok mentally, but a very negative man). They are starting to depend on us more and more for help.


I can't believe I wrote the above almost 8 years ago. I will now tell you my story of what has happened since the above.

November 17, 2008 - my Father died of brain and lung cancer at age 69. I am 41 years old and an "orphan". My Mother died back in 1989 at the age of 47 when I was 22 years old, from lung cancer. In February, I will be 47 years old - it's hard to believe my Mother died when so young.

But I digress . . . . Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer first. He underwent radiation and treatments, and I saw my Dad get old real fast. At first we had hope as the brain lung cancer wasn't getting any bigger, and for a time seemed to slightly shrinking, but then we came to find out it was progressing. Then the news of the brain cancer pretty much put any hope out of the picture. Dad got weaker and weaker, there were hospital stays and finally a time he had to go to the nursing home for rehab.

For rehab . . . . . that is what it started out as. To get him stronger so he could return home and die at home. That was the plan. But it soon became apparent that him going home was almost impossible. First because of my and the siblings schedules. But what really became clear, was my Dad's house was NOT equipped for or had the room for what the future was going to be.

I remember the last day clearly, I visited Dad almost every day during my lunch hour and the day that would become the day of his death, I helped him eat his lunch. I noticed he was starry eyed, and even though he ate, he just wasn't really with it. A call from the nursing home at 4:30 that afternoon brought news he wasn't doing well. Within 5 hours he was dead. Died peacefully with family surrounding him - but I came to the realization the following day, that I was now an "orphan", with both of my parents gone.

After his death, my wife, stepsister, and myself had the job of cleaning out his house, setting up an estate auction and selling the house.

October 24, 2011 - the day my Father-in-Law died. In 2009 we noticed his mind was "slipping" and it became very apparent to us when we visited him and Mother-in-Law every Sunday that things were getting out of hand.
M-i-L had slight dementia, and couldn't really cook meals anymore. They weren't eating right, hygiene had gone down hill - to the point that some Sunday's I ended up bathing him because he was starting to smell.
The final straw came when he kept falling, and we would get a call in the middle of the night that he had fallen, M-i-L couldn't get him up, could we come?
Something had to be done and it was plain that there was no way we could care for him - his manic behavior would not allow that. So, he was moved into the nursing home in a lock down assistant living facility.
As time went on, more falls, more frail, dementia setting in, it ended up where he got moved into regular nursing home care. 
We visited about every weekend - and many time I stared at the old man, wondering who he was. How was it possible that this was the strong, energetic man that I had met 22 years before? How could this be the same man - a frail, drooling, sleeping all the time?
His death was a blessing. My wife hated to see her Dad like that. My M-i-L hated to see her husband like that.

And now the M-i-L. When F-i-L went into assisted living, she moved in with us. There just was no way she could take care of herself. Over the past 4 years since she came to live with us, her dementia has gotten worse. A lot worse.

When she first moved in with us, she cleaned things and washed the dishes. It's to the point now, she can't do the dishes anymore, because she doesn't know enough to use hot water and dish detergent. Nope, in her world, cold water and her hand as a scrubber is sufficient to wash the dishes. Her health is good, her mind is not. She still knows who we are, but constantly asks the same question time and time again - often within of 2 minutes of asking the same thing before. She is now 86, and we know it's a downhill slide from here. She will continue to live with us until she can't - either due to not being able to get around, or because we can't care for her properly.

As I was writing this, my phone rang and I was just told that my Father's Aunt - my Grandmother's twin sister - the same Grandmother I wrote about above - holding her hand as she passed away - her twin sister has passed away at the age of 98 about 4 hours ago.

Since my writing from December 6, 2005, I've done a lot of growing up. In addition to cleaning out my Father's house, I've also had to clean out and have a summer long "garage sale" of my -in-laws very "full of stuff", house. And have successfully rented it.

If I had this to do all over again, starting from my Mother, to my Grandmother, to my Father, to my Father-in-Law, I would have journaled the start of the disease and kept a daily diary of the goings on. It would have made for a great book.

And enduring all this, I've come to the realization, that there are worse things than death. After witnessing the nursing homes that all the above people have been in - and the people in the nursing homes, there really are worse things than death itself.

I myself no longer fear death. I know now it's just a natural part of life and nothing to be afraid of. Death isn't really an end - but is just the beginning of a new journey.


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## Seeker

Michael - thank you for your post. It is a coda to my lament. 

I seek more codas - these are endings, that need to be shown.

*"and many time I stared at the old man, wondering who he was"
*
oh, my yes.

the end of life is rarely discussed. but it is about not being who we thought we were. i have the website egofades.com - haven't done anything with it yet, but it is about letting go of what we think is important...

as you say:*

I myself no longer fear death. I know now it's just a natural part of life and nothing to be afraid of. Death isn't really an end - but is just the beginning of a new journey. *

You are totally correct. I totally agree. And as I age and see the end of life in "aging parents", it becomes oh so clear. 

Maybe it just takes time for us to see it, as the end, which will occur, beckons us as well?


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## Westexas

I just discovered this thread, Dan, and greatly appreciate the thought and craft and pain that went into it's creation, by you and everyone who is contributing. Beautiful, comforting words reaching out to all of us who are going through this transition. At one time, we had three of our parents living with us. Now down to one, who is content to be in a lovely assisted living facility next to the hospital where I work. The experience has made me sensitive not only to my patients who are aging and their families - thank God for families! - but to the other caregivers whose compassion and patience are put to the test on an hourly basis. Grace on all of those who spend their hours easing the suffering, both physical and mental, of our loved ones.


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## Seeker

Got a skype call from my Mom yesterday. In the seven years since my father's passing, I've been pleased that my Mom didn't give up - that she got another car, another house, did her best to budget given the loss of his retirement pay, and even learned to use the computer so she could use email, facebook, and skype to stay in touch with her family.

Yesterday, though, she said she was going to sell the house and move into an apartment. Something I know she will despise, and it honestly isn't a good financial decision (and she is well aware of that fact, having taught me long ago...).

When I asked why, she gave all valid statements - she can't manage the yard anymore (has to get my brother to help), the property taxes cost a lot on her budget, and she'd have cash to spend if she sold the house. She said she'd probably put it on the market in April.

I kept my speech in check of how it wasn't a good decision, and just said if it wasn't till April, we had lots of time to think about it.

Well, I've had one day to think about it. Why has this come up? Then it hit me, just in the last hour. In April 2014, she will be the same age as my father was when he passed away. My Mom is fully with it - I know she's done the math.

Now I have to think about what emotions have been triggered, and whether or not I should say anything, or do anything. My one tenet I've held to over these seven years - my Mom is fully capable of making her own decisions, even if I have a different opinion.

12/11/2013


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## Kasota

I am new here and have just discovered this thread. 

First of all, Seeker, thank you for sharing your life and your heart with us all. And thank everyone for what they shared as well. I think I went through a whole box of Kleenex reading everone's words. 

I am getting on in years myself and moved into this tiny little city house in 2006, back to a city I left when I was 19 years old to take care of my mother who was suffering a bout of cancer. This is the house I grew up in, the house my mother bought for 5,000 back in the 50's. Newly divorced in an age when that just wasn't proper, raising 4 children on her own. She paid 50.00 a month and often enough struggled to make that payment. Tiniest and poorest house in the neighborhood, she bought it because she wanted us to have a home and because it was walking distance to a church and a school and the bus line. It had a big yard, linoleum floors and a coal furnace. 

Since 2006 I have taken care of her in her own home because if I didn't she wouldn't be able to stay here. "Just come home" she said. "I need you." She was more ill than even she knew. She was so scared. 

My mom is still with me but at 87 years old time has taken it's toll. She is still mentally sharp for the most part. I notice small things, the things you only notice when you care for someone else. A stroke took some function from her left hand, but she still crochets. She still bakes but sometimes forgets things she used to do without thinking. She has anxiety attacks. One day we went to see an attorney to put this tiny house in my name. "I won't always be here." 

And then last summer...the passing of the baton. 

My mother has always been an avid and unrelenting gardener with an opinion on everything and enough enthusiasm for 5 people. One day I asked here where she would like me to plant the new roses I bought. "Wherever you like, dear. They are your gardens now." The garden baton had been passed. Can I even write that without tears streaming down my face? 

Mom calls me her bonus baby. Her special blessing. "What would I do without you?"

I see my life in her eyes. They are more pale now and not the striking blue they used to be. We are built so much the same. The same hands, the same shape to our feet. We share a love of books and gardens and working with yarn. I wonder what will become of me when I am old. There is no one to care for me the way that I care for her. 

I make her a cup of tea and wrap a blanket around her legs and we laugh at the dog trying to bury her bone between the cushions on the couch. 

We have today.


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## badlander

All I can say is God Bless all the care givers out there.

Kasota, you made me tear up. 

Cherish each day, good and bad. They pass so quickly and all you have left in the end is a grave marker to memorialize a life well lived.


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## ceresone

"I stared at the old man-wondering who he was--or perhaps, in my case, wondering if the Man I loved and married almost 50 years ago, was still in there-somewhere.
We never allowed the other to see us without our false teeth-it seemed like such a betrayal to remove his teeth after he was in a coma. Now, our children, and myself--cant remember the young man who went sledding with us the first year on this farm ( He was only 30) all we can see is the old feeble man with his mind gone.
No, life isnt fair-but we all must face it.


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## Michael W. Smith

ceresone said:


> Now, our children, and myself--cant remember the young man who went sledding with us the first year on this farm ( He was only 30) all we can see is the old feeble man with his mind gone.


I always hear people using the excuse "I CAN'T go to the funeral home to view _________, that isn't how I want to remember them."

For me, that isn't how I remember the person, but like you, it's hard to remember when the person was younger and vibrant and strong. 

I can remember my Grandmother when I stayed at her house - she was always doing something - up early, picking berries, tending to the garden, getting breakfast, lunch and supper ready.

I can remember my Dad back years ago, when he carried heavy things, was strong and had muscles.

I can remember my Father-In-Law, when he would be out mowing all day long, would come in and eat supper, and go out to do something else. I remember him with muscles and able to lift heavy things.

But each of these loved ones ended up getting older - with age taking away things. My Grandmother's mind, my Dad's strength, my Father-In-Law's strength and mind. For the most part, THAT is what I remember.

My Grandmother in the nursing home not knowing who I was.
My Father in the nursing home, getting weaker and weaker each day as his brain and lung cancer took over his body.
My Father-In-Law in the nursing home where he was so weak and feeble - falling quite a few times and where eventually his mind started to go. He still knew us at the end, but he wasn't "there" anymore.

I can still remember the good times I had with each of them, but when I think of them - I remember how they were in the last couple of month's before death took them - which was actually a relief because none of them were the person they used to be.

I almost have to wonder if a sudden death - from an accident or heart attack or stroke isn't the way to go? Yes, it's a shock, but the family doesn't have to watch a vibrant person turn into a shell of their former self.


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## Seeker

I'm a member of Ancestry.com - and I try to put up pictures of those who have gone before me - as if they were choosing them.

I see so many "old" pictures of people. Is that what they would want? I don't think so.

I try, on average to put up a picture at around ages 30-50, when indeed - they were who "they really were" in life.

(I'm 56, and picked a picture of ME when I was 42)


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## ChristieAcres

May all of you caring for you aged loved ones be blessed! Indeed it is through this challenging process, we are also blessed in the end. My parents died when I was 34 (same year) and ex-DH lost his only parent, his mother, when I was 30. Our children grew up without grandparents. I married DH almost ten years ago and have been contemplating how to help his parents as they decline. His father just turned 80, think his mother is 78, and they have had some very close calls these past few years. Despite all that, they have continued to spend every Winter in their motorhome. He is a retired Engineer with a determined mindset. She may well change her mind if he goes before her. I doubt either will end up with us, although they are both welcome. We offered to build them a cabin on our next property. For them, all we can do is support their decisions, and be here for them when they need us. They are incredibly independent. So, we wait.


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## badlander

I think Christmas is the hardest time to deal with this. I remember my dad, singing "Whte Christmas" and his eyes tearing up when he heard Bing Crosby singing it on the CD player. I'm baking a Christmas Stolen this year in memory of him and his Pennsylvania Dutch heritage. And mom, baking for two weeks before the holiday and how delicious everything was. She loved angels so this year I found every angel ornament I have accumulated down through the years and hung them on the tree for her.

I'm trying really hard to remember the good times at holidays and not how sad they were the last year of their lives, both mentally and physically.


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## Jan in CO

I should know not to read the updates to this thread without a box of tissues near me. Your posts give me strength when I'm taking care of my Mama. My dear friend in Missouri and her husband and family will be facing this in the near future, and it breaks my heart. Nothing I can do to help them. So sad to see our parents getting senile, weak in body and mind. So far, my Mom is just forgetful and otherwise, she gets around ok. I just hope I can stay in shape enough to care for her until her last day.


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## Seeker

My Mom is doing ok - so this isn't a lament - but she's sick, throwing up, and when I called her (she hasn't been on the computer in days) - she was at Publix, buying bananas, and said - it's hard to just stand here and talk, I'm dizzy.

Nope, not using the mechanized carts. 

I don't know what to do from a distance - just call her each day if I can't get her on the computer I guess- and hope I reach her at home versus at Publix.


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## mtsouci

need to chime in here....if, for nothing else, to vent a little because i certainly don"t feel blessed. more like cursed at this stage.

i have been a live-in caregiver to both my parents....ages 81 and 87, for 10 years now. i have been here all along for my father. my mother has never been maternal...or nice. i am 51, the youngest of 4, and the only one to step in. granted, 1 brother died 20 years ago at age 34 on christmas night. so, this time of year is exceptionally emotional. i have zero help from surviving brother and his family that live in same town. i have been very vocal that i am here soley for my sweet and wonderful father. last of the true gentlemen of his generation. gets up every morning and puts on a tie...even if he stays home all day. not a mean bone in him with the most care free attitude that i wish i inherited.

i have been very emotionally damaged by my mother since childhood. have no sweet memories, no memories of her really at all involved in my youth. anyway,,,,blah blah. she suffered a massive stroke in sept. we weren't sure if she would recover. it was the nicest 3 months that dad and i had together. quiet. no ugly words hurled at us. i cried when she was discharged last week....been crying ever since.

i am now faced the challenge of dressing, bathing, changing the diaper of someone i resent. i am coping with a different woman now. there has been brain damage associated with the stroke, along with the brain tumor they found in her head in an MRI. i now try to do my best by constantly muttering my mantra 'my mother wasn't a monster, it was the brain tumor'. the days are stressful and draining. days i feel so trapped and resentful. i dutifully take care of my mother for my father's sake. he depends on me fully. i wouldn't have changed anything in the last 10 years because of this extra time i have gotten to share with my dad.

i am the parent and they are like dependent children. i will stick through this, with both of them, until the end. because that's what i feel is morally right....to take care of my aging parents as they took care of me in times of need. the emotional garbage i feel at times withers away when i see how fragile they both have become the last few months.

still doesn't feel like a 'blessing' tho...


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## Michael W. Smith

mtsouci - I feel bad for you. And I will say you are a better person than me - there is no way I could do what you are doing.

Taking care of someone you truly love is one thing - but still drains you. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I think it would do you some good to have someone come in once a week - to give you a break. Go out for a movie, go out for a meal.

Taking care of my Mother-In-Law is getting worse, and there is myself, my wife, and our 15 year old son. She can still get around, but anymore her mind is just going - she still knows who we are - but can't remember anything.

She asks the same questions over and over and over again. She will not leave my wife alone at all. If my wife gets up to go to the kitchen to get a drink of water, MIL is up after her "Can I help you?" If my wife goes upstairs, MIL is up out of her chair and going out to the kitchen to look for her. I tell her she went up to the bathroom and she will sit down, but 2 minutes later she is back into the kitchen looking for her daughter.

She wants to "help" my wife do things - but it's to the point now, she can't. When she first came to live with us, she would do the dishes, clean the house, fold the laundry.

For her to do the dishes now, means running the dish under cold water using her hand as a dishcloth. No matter how many times we have told her to use HOT water and SOAP, it doesn't help.

As to folding the laundry - the last time she "helped" with that - it took her hours to fold the laundry - and she can't really fold the clothes anymore. They all end up inside out and when all is done - the clothes are in a pile - no folding, no stacking.

Even for her to dress herself is getting worse. One night she got herself ready for bed, and in the morning my wife went in to wake her up to find she had 3 pairs of stuff on. She had on yesterday's pants, sweatpants on top of that, and something else. Even for her to get her winter coat on, she has trouble figuring out how to get her arms in the coat.

It's just hard to believe that someone can forget how to do everyday functions.
When my MIL lived at her own house, her house was spotless. Everything clean, everything in it's proper place. She always dressed nice. Nowadays, when she takes her clothes off in her bedroom, she will throw them where-ever. If we would let her, she would wear the same clothes everyday for 2 weeks in a row - because "I don't do anything, so I don't get dirty."

Well, eating is becoming a challenge too. She does not understand to eat a sandwich you use two hands - nowadays, she either trys to eat her sandwich with one hand, or else uses a fork . . . . . or spoon. 

The irony is my MIL is in perfect health. No major health problems at all - her body still works - it's her mind that doesn't anymore.

We aren't sure what the end result will be - a sudden death from heart attack or stroke, falling asleep and just not waking up, or a fall that results in broken hip / legs. Our house is not handicap accessible, so if she is unable to get around she will have to go into the nursing home. Our small house has only 1 bathroom - which is upstairs as well as all bedrooms are upstairs. 

We will continue to care for her at our house as long as we are able. But some days it is not easy.


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## Jan in CO

Not an easy task, and my heart goes out to you. As of now, my Mama is still able to dress herself and do her grooming, tho not well sometimes. Two days ago her clothes were on inside out. I think that was an oversite, but....

I do know I couldn't have taken care of my father if positions were reversed and he had outlived Mama. I would have felt guilty, but just couldn't have put up with his nasty behavior. I sympathize with everyone who is in this situation. Hang in there and do get some 'away' time!


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## Seeker

mtsouci - oh how my heart aches for you. 

I'm also amazed at the eloquence I have seen in the writing in this thread. It must be true that true emotion brings out truly described thoughts and feelings.

I continue to read, continue to lament (my mother's time will be getting worse - it doesn't get better, does it), and continue to wonder if I possibly have the ability to take my own thoughts and feelings and those of others and to mold them into something people will want to read and want to understand.

I don't know that I'm up to it...


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## Michael W. Smith

Seeker said:


> I continue to read, continue to lament (my mother's time will be getting worse - it doesn't get better, does it), and continue to wonder if I possibly have the ability to take my own thoughts and feelings and those of others and to mold them into something people will want to read and want to understand.
> 
> I don't know that I'm up to it...


No, it doesn't get better. And that is truly the worst to think about - "Today is the best Mom/Dad is going to be. It's downhill from here." You think they are bad today, but you realize they will be worse 2 month's/1 year from now.

I think you are up to it. You are a talented writer - you will just need to do it.

I've often thought I should have kept a journal as each loved one declined. The trips to the hospitals, doctors, etc. Time spent worrying. The fights with siblings trying to explain things.

And after death - settling the estate. All the time spent cleaning, sorting, etc to get things ready for an auction / garage sale. The fights with siblings trying to explain things. 

Of course, on second thought, maybe it's best to forget (or try to forget) that type of stuff.

And I understand everybody eventually goes through it - their Grandparents die, their parents die, etc. But some days what makes me mad - is that I lost my parents at the age I did - while other people much older than me still have their parents in good health. My Mother didn't live to see me get married. She didn't live to see her 3 Grandkids born.

Of course, there are always people that had it worse - lost their parents when they were just kids, etc.


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## ceresone

I believe it is just as difficult to look at this thru the eyes of the older person. How I would hate to be cared by someone who didn't even like me!
Last Memorial Day weekend, I was lying in the floor unconscious, and my Daughter 90 miles away felt it! When she couldn't get me on the phone, she called her Brother, who found me and rushed me to the hospital! Pneumonia! My Daughter that lives across the dirt road from me never even asked about me!
I think I'm back at least 99 1/2% now. But really, do any of you think we choose to live our life, dependent on our children? Once, we were as you-old age was so far in the future-then-one day we wake up-and we ARE the old ones, we watch our steps carefully, we dont want to fall and break anything, We have panicky moments when we cant remember something, and the fear that's always in the background surfaces, but then--the Sun comes up-and We thank GOD that we're here to try another day to do better.


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## Seeker

I don't think any of us want to be on either side of this equation. Jan and I might be aging, but we will never be aging parents. We lost our three...

http://www.infertilitysanguish.com/childpoem.htm

so they won't have to "worry" about taking care of us. But we'll have to. And there is no one there to care. And yes, we don't really want them to need to care, because we don't want to need to be cared FOR.

But that may not be a choice.


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## Grandmotherbear

Seeker- I'm taking the liberty of bringing this forward.
My mother continues to decline. Her memory is shot, even for the things she has said to me in the past. And the woman who was up at 5 a.m. daily, and busy with a round of car friends, trip friends, and gambling friends, who only took Fridays off for her hair appointments, is now sleeping till 10 a.m. every day and in bed by 7 pm. One of the symptoms we learned right away in Hospice for approaching death (say 6 months to 6 days) is increased need for sleep. She doesn't watch the news or comment on the newspaper anymore (decreased interest in the world around her) She doesn't want to eat much anymore, and this is used to be a real trencherwoman - who didn't think that she had gotten her $$ worth at the all you can eat buffets till she had made her 10th trip to the buffet line. She has absolutely no memory of things like Grandfatherbear's recent hospitalization, or my trip to DC with dgs, or my trip to NC to see DS prior to deployment, or even my need to go back to the doctor to have more surgery done because the cancer was bigger than they thought.
She is still lying to my brother and me about how busy she is, and talks about her 3 groups of friends. She hasn't been to a card meet since February, or a gambling trip since May. My brother believes her. My SIL, who volunteered at a Jacksonville hospice, shakes her head and smiles at me when I try to tell my brother that what she says ain't so.
All she can do is complain about her health and her doctors till her breathless- of course she doesn't follow any recommendations or take any of the meds she is prescribed. 
Her feet swell like balloons, and her eyes are starting to sink in. I am seeing the skull beneath her skin.
I will be there forir her 88th birthday on Sept 13th, but I really believe I will get a phone call one day shortly after that - the police telling me she's gone.
She will have the life and death that she set for herself. After all these years of venality and cruelty, I will not move to her area so she can yank my chain the way my grandmother yanked hers.
I am trying to review my relationship with her over these last few decades. I do believe I have done my best to "honor my father and my mother" without exposing my children and beloved spouse to her machinations any more. She has done enough damage to me and mine.
If this means a slap in the face to me at the reading of her will (her most utilized threat against my children and grandchildren-to disinherit them) so be it. 
Then I will be an orphan...and will once more have to stand on my own, and depend on my own strength to carry on. As I have done most of my life. 
Thanks for letting me vent.


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## PNP Katahdins

Grandmotherbear said:


> She has done enough damage to me and mine. If this means a slap in the face to me at the reading of her will (her most utilized threat against my children and grandchildren-to disinherit them) so be it. Then I will be an orphan...and will once more have to stand on my own, and depend on my own strength to carry on. As I have done most of my life. Thanks for letting me vent.


GMB, you are a strong woman and I trust will care of YOURSELF and family as needed. Venting about the situation may make someone else change their ways in the future.

:grouphug: because we all need this.

Peg


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## OUVickie

My heart goes out to all of you - for everything you are going through personally and for what your parents & in-laws are going through.

My Mom died of complications from Alzheimer's back last December. I had her admitted to a Nursing facility back in July of 2010, after she spent a week in the hospital while they ran extensive tests. 
The wing of the hospital she was in was specifically for diagnosing patients with memory issues. That way they could see if it was a tumor/disease, dementia or Alzheimer's she was dealing with.
Once they determined that, yes, it was Alzheimer' s the doctor discussed options with me: home care, nursing facility, etc. 

We had already tried keeping her at home and then her living with me and DH, but she was roaming at night, crying a lot and trying to leave the house. She could no longer drive - she kept getting lost; She was pulling large sums of money from the bank and roaming the neighborhood with it in her purse, or going to the DG 4-5x per day and buying the same thing over and over. 
I lost my Dad back in '87 and my brother was a truck driver and had no way to help me. My daughter tried, but she's a single Mom with 3 kids and she couldn't run after my Mom when she'd leave the house. 
It got very stressful for all of us and I was very worried that she would hurt herself or someone else without meaning to. She really didn't know what she was doing or saying anymore. 

Alzheimer's affects the short term memory of the brain and eventually all the cognitive functions of the body, that the brain controls. It seems the long-term memory and the physical condition are the last to go. It's immensely sad to watch. If I could have retired and kept her at my house longer, I would have, but I couldn't quit work at the time so Nursing home care was the best I could do. 
Mom never had a retirement plan, so Medicare and Medicaid was all she had available. I found a nice, older facility where she was treated very well until she drew her last breath. We were truly blessed to have the caregivers for her that we did, they were so good to her.

Now my Uncle, her youngest living brother is going through the same thing. His daughter and her family are caring for him. My Aunt died in July from complications of COPD, up until the past six months she had been caring for him at home. As I watch his decline, the best I can do is offer my advice, love and support to my cousins. I was privileged to help her care for them both, when they were at my house for my Mom's funeral and helped with him when I was out in Colorado for my Aunt's funeral. 

Caregiving is akin to parenting, it is one of the hardest jobs in the world, but I believe in the end it is the most gratifying job. Knowing that you've loved and cared for the most vulnerable people in your lives is an, often times - lonely - but very important job.

I remember once, while putting my mother's shoes on for a trip out one Sunday, repeating an answer to her and then asking her, "Don't you remember that, Mom?"
She answered, "No, and it's pretty scary."
That broke my heart and I'll never forget that moment. Because I realized then how frightened and lonely she must have felt.

I hope my daughter never has to go through that with me. I'm trying hard to take care of myself and prevent or delay dementia/Alzheimer's as best I can; however, with a genetic disease, we don't often have a choice. 
As the saying goes, "There but for the grace of God, go I". 

I so truly admire the caregivers in this world. My hat's off to you all for the job you do.


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## Jokarva

Prayers sent your way GMB, it is a tough road.

My mom died 13 years ago today, 6 months to the day after she was dx with a brain tumor....I thank God frequently that it wasn't a long drawn out passing, if it had gone on for years I don't know how any of us would have made it thru still sane. I think whatever your circumstance you just do the best you're able, make the best decisions you can, and then have no regrets when it's over.


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## badlander

Grandmotherbear, consider yourself hugged. In the end, all you can do is the best you can. I still, after loosing mom in 1999 and dad in 2006, have people tell me 'but you would do it all over again' when they learn that I was their caregiver much of the last 20 years of their lives. 

I think it shocks them when I say that I really don't know if I would, not the way I did it the first time, giving up much of my young adult life, never having children and not marrying until after they were both gone. I would help them, don't get me wrong, but I would get help helping them if I had to do it all again.

Caregivers put their own lives on hold in order to help those they love and I believe with all my heart that there is a special place in heaven for anyone who has ever been a caregiver.

Bless you all, and be strong.


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## Michael W. Smith

I was just thinking about this thread today . . . . . . .

Just looking it over and seeing where I last posted about my Mother-In-Law on 12/20/13. Here we are 8 months later - and I half marvel at how good my M-I-L was then compared to now.

She still follows my wife around. As soon as my wife is up and going to the kitchen or the bathroom, about a minute after my wife is out of eyesight, MIL gets up out of her chair to look for her to see if she needs any help.

My MIL I don't think can dress herself anymore. My dear wife has to help her - and "prompt" her "Take off your underwear. Take off your night gown. Put this pair of underwear on. Put this shirt on. . . . . . ." and on it goes.

Eating has gotten worse. She is now very much confused on what utensil to use (if any) to use. Her eyesight must be off too - as many times she is using her fork or spoon on the table - even though the food is all in a bowl or plate. Napkins are apt to be put into the food after she wipes her mouth and then she will attempt to eat it as well.

Her mind continues to get worse. She now gets lost in our house and sometimes has to ask where the bathroom is or where she is to go. Some nights (and she did it again tonight) she mentions about "What are we doing here? Are we staying here all night? I don't have my night clothes." My wife reminds her that this is our house and she has been here for over 5 years. "I know it's your house . . . . . but it looks different."

Getting her to drink anything is a chore. I don't how she survives on what little she drinks every day. Part of a cup of coffee in the morning. A little bit of coffee at lunch. A little bit of water for supper. She doesn't like to drink water, so try to use flavored water, or give her milk, or even pop. And even then it's a chore to get her to drink it. She will take a sip and then set it aside. You tell her to drink it and she says "I can't drink ALL of that." When we mention she needs to drink, she replies (and lies) "Oh, I drank plenty today."

A new problem has surfaced now - in the bathroom. We don't think she wipes herself anymore - and have resorted to putting depends on her. I can't tell you how many times we have had to clean up pee. She doesn't know the lid of the toilet needs to be up - she pulls her pants down and just goes. I went upstairs to go to bed last night (after falling asleep downstairs) around 3:30 this morning and stuck my foot in a puddle of pee in front of the toilet before I headed to bed.

In the mornings before my wife goes to work and takes her to "daycare" we have to tell her to go to the bathroom and brush her teeth. Anymore we are lucky if she remembers one of those commands. I don't know how many times she has gone up, been in the bathroom and come back down. You ask if she went to the bathroom and brushed her teeth. Some times she says "No, I forgot." and sometimes she says "Yes, I did." We go upstairs and her toothbrush is still on the sink with toothpaste on it and the water in the toilet is not discolored at all.

It is SO sad. We look on the computer about dementia and figure she is in the medium state - late stage of it. The rest of what is to happen as time goes on is almost unbearable to think about.

I have to wonder at this point how much longer she can stay here. If we go anywhere (like Friday night football games to watch our son), we now have to get a baby-sitter for my MIL. There is no leaving her at home by herself for more than an hour or so anymore. Sometimes it feels like we are severely tied down and at times think she is worse to take care of than a toddler. Some days it's worse to take care of her than what it would be a child. (Badlander - you know EXACTLY what I am talking about.)

In addition to the above, a new development has occurred for me. About 1 month ago, I was notified my Uncle was in the local rehab unit in the nursing home due to having a slight stroke. He is divorced and estranged from his only son (who lives in another state). I have taken on to help him out as well.

I now have Medical POA as well as financial POA, and will be the executor of his estate - although he doesn't have anything. He doesn't want to go back to his apartment - he is afraid of falling and no one would hear him. But he has no money for personal care. And his monthly Social Security check is too "big" for help from the state or agencies, but too small to pay for personal care. I think he will end up returning to his apartment - and while we are still checking with the Area Agency on Aging I think the same thing is going to apply for help with somebody to come in to clean, cook for him, etc. He "makes" too much per month, but has no savings. And if he has to pay to have help come in, that will eat up whatever is left of his check - after rent, insurance, etc. 

He isn't bad enough to be listed as needing nursing home care, but is bad enough and weak enough he is going to need help at his apartment. I work full time - so I can't help him all the time he will need.

At least with him when the time comes, he will have to go to the nursing home. We have our hands full with my MIL and have no more room. But I will still be dealing with his needs.

Grandmotherbear - you say in your post after your Mother has passed - "I will be an orphan, and will once more have to stand on my own . . . ."

You have no idea how much that rings true - after my Father had died (and my Mother had died years before) - I had a sudden thought - and it was like a strong slap in the face "I am now an orphan. Both of my parents are dead." It's a scary thought - even though you are an adult and have been leading your own life - you are suddenly an "orphan" - not in the sense of being a kid and no one to take care of you - but in the sense "BOTH of my parents are now dead - and I don't have parents anymore."


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## Helena

I would quickly find out through Social Services or private agencies for Home Health Aide and get help with your parents and help for yourself in "relief" from full time care for your parents. It is hard...I totally understand..but..there is help for your family. Please ask for help..so you can enjoy the time your have with your parents. Wish you the best...


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## ceresone

You know--I tried to read this page--and couldn't--for crying. My Husband has been gone for about 2 1/2 years now-and I went thru all of this with him-He had Dementia caused by radiation and brain cancer-and you know what? I struggle with guilt every day--I should have been more patient, I shouldn't have gotten irritated so much, this will haunt me until my dying day--and since I'm 77, will my children feel this way when I'm gone? I hope not--I beg of each of you--be patient--even when they get on your last nerve-because you wont want to go the rest of your life saying--I wish I had understood better...


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## badlander

Yes Michael, I do understand all too well what you are talking about and to you I say as I told countless others that I talked to about taking care of their loved one at home, you will know when it is time.

When I finally admitted that I couldn't do what I was doing any longer, working and keeping dad at home alone for 8 hours, I put him in the nursing home where I was charge nurse. After 48 hours, one of the other nurses came to me and said "We don't know how you took care of him as long as you did". The nurse I worked with said, "Because she had to ".

It was true, I "had" to because I loved both of my parents. They had always been there for me., especially when I was 26 and in bed for 6 months with rheumatic fever and afterwards during my long recovery. What kind of an ungrateful brat would I be not to help them when they needed help?

It was hard, sometimes impossibly hard and looking back I can still shed a tear for all the hours I spent crying myself to sleep at night and for that exhausted, emotionally weary young woman who had to beg for help from my brother when I needed it. One of the most painful memories is asking if he could come over for an evening and watch dad so I could go out, have dinner, go to a movie, shop...it had been so long since I had enjoyed an evening 'off' when I had a day off from my nursing job and was told "no, after all, we have a life!" :hysterical:To that I replied, well I'm glad to hear that because mine is on hold to take care of Dad right now.

I had people come to me who were just visiting somebody at the nursing home and tell me that they had a loved one who was beginning to show signs of Alzheimer's/Dementia and what advice can I give them because they had heard I had been a long time care giver.

I tell them honestly that it is the most awarding thing they will ever do outside of raising their children and it is the most horrible thing they will ever do at the same time. The process of becoming parent to your parent is slow and hard. You can manage a 2 year old better than a 80 year old with an Alzheimer's type dementia. If the 2 year old throws a temper tantrum, you can pick it up, carry it to it's room and tell it to stay there until it has settled down and acting like a person again. You cannot do that with an elderly person. In their minds, as shaky and damaged as they are, they still are (in their minds) rational mature adults. They remember to a point taking care of themselves. They have a base memory of their daily routine, it's the fine points that are gone. Women remember they used to cook meals, they have just forgotten how to do it and men remember that they used to fix that light in the bathroom, but they can't remember now. Frustration sets in for them and you cannot rationalize with a elderly person who is throwing a temper tantrum.Especially when one of them was and is your parent because in their minds (in their minds, you are the abnormal one and they are completely normal) they are still the parent and you are still the kid. The best book I ever read on caregiving is titled "The 36 Hour Day". If any of you can find it, read it. It gives you lots of insight as what it really requires to be a care giver.

Sorry for the ramble, guess I should write a book on the subject.....nah.:kung:


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## OUVickie

So very, very true, Badlander!!
Bless you all for taking care of your parents and in-laws like you have. 

As I was caring for my Mom, I worked to figure out what her brain was "not" processing properly. When she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I actually got the chance to ask the Doctor all those questions about changes in behaviors and the stages she was going through. It was helpful to know "why" she was behaving certain ways. 
He said the disease actually destroys the parts of the brain that help our thought processes as we do things - eat, use the bathroom, bathe, talk, walk, etc.
I could think back then, to things she had said or done and realized her behavior was being changed by the disease. She couldn't remember how to count, read or do simple math. She no longer knew how to dial a phone - numbers and letters didn't mean anything to her, they were nothing but meaningless hieroglyphics.

Eventually she forgot how to use utensils, comb her hair, brush her teeth, wipe herself. And in the last stages her brain couldn't even tell her body how to move or keep from falling. She forgot how to walk. It was so heartbreaking. I was glad I got her into a good facility before the last stages. She actually made friends and participated in activities for over a year. I would go and take her out for lunch and for a drive.
Once she could no longer walk, I would go and get ice cream and feed it to her and read to her. She loved that. 
I noticed that she was losing her sense of taste, so strong or tart flavors were her favorites. I told them, it doesn't matter if she eats only her dessert, or whatever you can get her to eat. We are dealing with quality of life now, not quantity. Just keep her as happy as you can.

Her Doctor was great. He prescribed a specific amount of anti-depressant and a particular schizophrenic drug. They helped her for over two years. 

Once you get to the point that you cannot take care of your parents or loved ones at home, please don't feel like you are betraying them.
The caregivers in the Nursing home were younger than me and much better able to lift her, help her and keep a better eye on her than I could. There were several of them and only one of me. 

Had I been able to convince my Mom to get diagnosed years earlier, my family would have better understood what we were dealing with. Mom was depressed and angry for many years before she was diagnosed. She got paranoid and argued with us alot, but we had no clue what was going on. I suspected something like Alzheimer's but I had no proof because anytime I mentioned her getting diagnosed or going to counseling she came unglued on me and would angrily yell "I do NOT have Alzheimer's!!"

Until I was able to get guardianship of her, there was nothing I could legally do. All I could do was the best I knew how - I paid her bills for her and took care of her finances until she passed away; And I did her grocery shopping, when she lived by herself so I knew she was getting proper nutrition. 

Do I wish I'd have know what was going on earlier, so I could have dealt with it better? Absolutely!!
However, I can't live in the past and beat myself up about it, because I did the best I could with the knowledge I had and I loved her with all my heart. 
I think that is all we can do and all the Creator expects of us.

If you get so physically and mentally exhausted that you can't take care of yourself, it's not good, because who will take care of them and you and that point?
That's the decision I was faced with. I sought alot of advice from people I knew that dealt with the elderly - social workers, caregivers, etc. And finally after her diagnosis, her Doctor explained that it would get more difficult as time went on. I realized - there is just one of me. I had no one in the family that could help me.
It's a difficult decision, but when I realized she was happy being around people her own age and as long as I visited her and didn't lose touch, she was better off at that point - for me and her - admitting her to a Nursing home was a good decision. Emotionally and physically.


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## Seeker

Wow.
Blessings to all of you who are going through this. I guess we all do, eventually.
I'm still dealing with my mother who passed her 80th birthday with the comment, "I'm now older than your father when he died..."

A lot of this comes to a point - with Grandmotherbear, the realization that her mother was selfish, and has come to this, with others, that it has simply come to a fruition point - the beginning of an ending.

And so how do we deal - again, it's a lament on aging parents. It's about realizing that they have now become dependent upon you - whether they were kind, gentle, selfish, demanding, or whatever - now "you" have to deal with the situation.... as a caregiver, or indeed, as NOT a caregiver.

I just shake my head - and yes, I admire you all.


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## AR Cattails

I lost my father, suffering from alzheimers, the January before last. I am in the process right now of losing my mom I'm afraid. She has vascular dementia and was going along with it fairly well over the past 6 years but this August her condition took a sharp nosedive. Just in August she had some problems but she was still mom. Now she is in the throes of dementia, can't get out a complete sentence, can't remember basic things that we all take for granted, confused, agitated and very, very anxious, paranoid...just the whole works. She's not the mom I have loved for 82 years that was so strong and sure and confident and was there for all of us. It hurts beyond description seeing her this way. On top of that, my two sisters and I have disagreements about her care. Mom has been in Senior Care at our local hospital for about the last three weeks and this coming Monday or Tuesday she will be transferred to the nursing home for three weeks of rehab. It's after that where we disagree. My sister that lives in Arkansas the town over from where I live wants her to come back home to her. I've seen my sister falling apart and her health failing trying to take care of her so I believe she needs to stay in the nursing home. My sister in Mississippi wants her to come down there and live with her. So we will see what happens to her after the next three weeks is up. I know there are many bad ways to die in this world. I lost my 28-year-old son just a few months ago. But I don't think there is a more degrading way to die than alzheimers and dementia. It's a cruel, cruel disease. Destroys your mind and everything you know leaving you knowing that something is wrong but you don't understand what. I remember my dad when he was at that point in his disease. He would just cry and cry and say something's wrong but he doesn't know what. Now my mom is there. She cries and gets so frustrated because she can't get a sentence out. She knows, like my dad did, but she doesn't know why. I hate this. It's not fair to live your whole life to have to go out like this. 

Sorry, I forgot to put in paragraphs. I'm totally stressed out anymore. Don't think straight.


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## Seeker

AR Cattails - yes this is all so hard.

My heart is with you, and I am crying inside with you.

I don't have any answers other than - it is hard.

I have people say to me - "they have dementia, they don't understand any more, they have alzheimers, they are comfortable where they are".

I don't agree. I have a single word that I believe. Through all the dementia, through all the forgetting, through all the I dont understand...

THEY ARE SCARED.

Everything is strange now. Strangers intrude, even if you were once family, they've forgotten. You remember snippets, and then you forget.

And on our side, we are frustrated that they have forgotten things.

But we must remember - they are scared - and only death beckons.


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## Miss Kay

I had a dear friend lose his father last year on Christmas day. He had Alzheimer's and had gone from a well known tax attorney to a lost confused child. I told him how sorry I was that he lost him on Christmas. He said, "don't be, it was the best Christmas gift he could have received." I truly understand and know that statement comes from the deep love he felt for his dad.


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## Old John

Well, we don't all Age in the same ways. Some of us get along better or some worse.

My Dear Old Dad lived to be 94. And he was in pretty decent shape, except for the last 3 years of his life when he was in Assisted living after a stroke.
For myself, I'm 74, and not doing too badly, so far.

We live on 13 wooded hilly acres 5 miles from town. My Dear Wife is a dozen years younger than I am. And she goes to work at a job in town each day.
I get her breakfast, pack her lunch and walk her out to her car every morning.

I do all the mowing, in the Summer time. I have a nice big rider, as well as a smaller trim-mower . I probably mow about 4 or 5 acres, around the House and the barns & garages. And I clean the snow off the 80 yard driveway, with the snow blower, when I need to in Winter.
I use to go rabbit & squirrel hunting but now I just walk around on the hills with my old shotgun.
I do all our laundry, each week, Dear Wife's as well as mine. And I do my share at the House-cleaning, too.
I do my share of the cooking & baking too. This week I made a big skillet of cornbread, from scratch, twice. Once, was to go with the chili, and once to go with the beans, ham & potatoes. I like to eat well.

I had a heart-attack, in April, that was pretty scary. But I lived through it. And the 12 weeks of therapy afterwards brought me back, pretty close to where I had been, before it.

Some folk's "74" is the same as other Folk's "84"And Vice-versa.
You just have to Play with the Cards that are dealt to you, I guess. Some are Lucky. And, some are not... A lot of it is just "in your Genes"....


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## ceresone

Seeker,Dan-I have read-and re-read this, and, too, have been wishing you would compile it into a book-then-I realize you can't-the final chapter isn't written--
So-I'll go feed my horses, who by the way, are 20-and 34 years


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## Seeker

Sigh. Yes - this should be a book, or at least a series of magazine articles.

And you tagged it, life is complex, and some things happen and some do not.

I hope that your wish comes true - and yes, it is "on my list" and at least near the top.


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## Michael W. Smith

Not much has changed with my Mother-In-Law since I last posted 08/27.

Other than . . . . . . and this one really hurt and still bothers us . . . . . was when M-I-L said to us one time "Who is that boy there?"

Our son, her Grandson. She has doted on him from the time he was born. She has lived with us for the past 5 1/2 years. Anytime we go someplace (and our son isn't along) she is asking "Where is ________? Didn't he want to come along?" And on a 1/2 hour ride, she might ask this question 4 times. All the doting after him . . . . and it comes down to "Who is that boy there?"

When she first asked it, it really shook our son hard. He is 16, and I'm sure it's hard for him to understand "How can Grandma NOT remember me?"

Now, she does know who he is - most of the time. But for some strange reason, she has it in her head that our son has moved out of the house - and in the evenings when she doesn't know him - wants to know WHO this strange boy is in our house and why doesn't he go home.

Evenings are bad since the time change. She wants to go to bed from 7:00 P.M. and on. But if she goes to bed any sooner than 8:30 or 9:00, she will be up EARLY in the morning. And with it getting dark early, she certainly gets "sun downers" - which just makes her all the more confused.

My wife and I both wonder "How much longer can we do this?" Of course, the answer is "As long as we can." But some days are really frustrating.


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## ceresone

Been there, Michael-I not only had to be sure he couldn't unlock the doors, I slid a nail under the facing, so it couldn't be opened if he managed the lock--but-I so wish I had him back again


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## Michael W. Smith

badlander said:


> Yes Michael, I do understand all too well what you are talking about and to you I say as I told countless others that I talked to about taking care of their loved one at home, you will know when it is time.


badlander . . . . . . . . . it is time. My wife and I simply cannot do it anymore - we admit defeat. (We know we aren't defeated, but it sure feels like it.)

Something has happened to my MIL within the last 2 - 3 weeks. 

My wife had a cough and fever and got antibiotics. As soon as MIL started coughing, we took her to an urgent care center as it was in the evening. Despite her protests that "There isn't anything wrong with me." she was seen by the doctor and given antibiotics as well. But this isn't the "something has happened" that I'm talking about.

I went to bed the one early morning (I'm a night owl & usually am up until 1:30, 2:30, etc in the morning) and could smell something when I went upstairs. I usually stop at my MIL's door - just to make sure everything is okay - and I stopped and listened - and didn't hear anything. Usually you can hear her snore, but I heard nothing. I assumed she was just in a deep sleep and went to bed.

As I lay there, I just started feeling that something was not right with her. So, I went back over to her doorway and listened again. Nothing. I stepped into her room - and it hit me that the smell I could smell when I came upstairs was coming from her. Her leg was uncovered and as I stood there listening I still could not hear any breathing. I touched her leg and it was cold as ice.

I went over to my wife and woke her up and said "I think Mom is dead." She got up and both of us went back over to MIL's room. My wife which has a much better sense of smell than me could immediately smell the smell BEFORE we got in the room. We both stood in the room listening. Silence. Both of us touched her leg - ice cold. My wife turned on the light and we are both looking for any kinds of movement. Seeing nothing I shove her leg - which seems very heavy to move - and that is about the time she opens her eyes and looks at us!

The smell was of course she had defecated in her depends. Well, it was more diarrhea than anything and had come out and was over some of the bed. My wife got her up and to the bathroom to get her cleaned up while I got the bed stripped. She was cleaned up and put back in bed. We went back to sleep.

She seemed fine in the morning - nothing unusual. She went in to daycare and came home. Went to bed as usual.

The following morning my wife heard her out in the hallway and went to find her just in her top - and that smell again. She had woke up and must have known she dirtied in her depends had taken off her PJ bottoms and depends. Again, there was a mess on the bed so the bed was stripped again.

I have noticed when I go to bed at night that she no longer snores. So, as I said before - something has happened within the last 2 - 3 weeks. She has also drastically declined mentally in that time. She no longer knows what the toilet is. My wife has to go to the bathroom with her because otherwise she will just pull her pants down in the bathroom and go while standing up. My wife tells her to sit down on the toilet - but she doesn't know what it is and doesn't understand she has to sit on it to go to the bathroom. My wife has to tell her while physically guiding her to "Sit down".

We have to assume she has had mini-strokes. 

My wife and I have decided this week that we can't do it anymore. My wife has talked to the nursing home where she is taken for "day care" when my wife works and they have been told the next bed that is available is hers.

The nursing home even mentioned to my wife when she was talking with them that they wondered how we were doing it. They have also noticed a very recent decline with her as well. They figure a room will be available within the next couple of weeks to month.

Eating has become even more of a problem where she wants to eat using her fingers rather than a spoon or fork - because most of the time if she is using them, they are upside down.

We have done this for the past 5 1/2 years and it is now to the point that we just can't do it anymore. 

MIL will celebrate her 88th birthday this month. I have to wonder if this is the last birthday.


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## Grandmotherbear

Michael- you have no need to feel a failure. In days gone past, she might have gotten up in the night and wandered outside and never been found again (1600's - early 1800s) People didn't have illnesses progress as far as we have them progress nowadays. Medical science has extended the mid- and end stages of disease so much! There is so little real progress made in medicine, seems like we all just spend longer in our decline.

My mother is lying to my brother and me again (BPD, not dementia). She has gotten it into her head she wants to move to a NICE retirement home/assisted living. She doesn't accept that the $3,000 monthly rent is a barebones figure that will be run up by any of the extra services she would want to utilize. Bringing a meal tray to your room is a charge. Changing your depends is a charge. Doing your laundry is a charge. Utilizing their transportation is a charge. I worked in long term care for 12 years prior to my 24 as a Hospice nurse, and unless you are UBER RICH, at least in Florida, you are much better off to hire help and stay in your house- specially, if , like mother, you are the widow of a disabled war veteran. 
But, she will do as she will do. I think a lot of it is trying to get us to invest emotions into her plans so she can play mind games. She will probably move into a nice place and they will kick her to the curb when her funds run out.
By the way, Death has a definite smell but not everybody is able to smell it. Just like I could sometimes smell specific infections prior to the 3 day culture and sensitivities told us which infection it was, so I could sometimes smell death on a person up to 3 days before. It is a distinct odor.
Michael- once again- you have to do what you have to do. Seeing to it that your loved one gets appropriate care is part of your caring. Right now, that needs to be the nursing home. Bless you for putting HER needs over your own need to be the good, caretaking child.


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## pattycake

Praying for comfort for you Michael. You have made the right decision.


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## OUVickie

Michael - it is definitely time for professional help for your MIL. I pray you can get her into a facility soon. Until then, you should be able to request home-care assistance.
Prayers for you, it's a hard road. I went through it with my Mom and it is tough to watch them decline.


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## sisterpine

My husband and I cared for my mom twenty years ago due to some kind of organic brain disease not alzheimers...so it does not progress at the same rate. Now here I am again caring for mom with the help of DD (thank the Lord) and my DB who is able to do any heavy lifting and cover during absences etc. 

Mom is 86 and has the same health problems as many elderly. COPD from smoking all those years ago required O2, a very old case of Bi-Polar disorder that requires medications still as well as meds for mental clarity, cholesterol lowering, Lasix for fluid yada yada.

Recently mom has forgotten how to make pee and poo happen on the toilet. She will just sit there and say "well nothing is happening". Trying to teach some one how to bear down to poo is next to impossible. We have learned that having her "cough" several times is somewhat effective. It is important that we push water and have just started her on Metamucil to help her "feel" when she needs to poo etc.

Mom will be here till the end of her days so finding new ways to cope is very important as these changes happen. The local council on aging sometimes has good ideas.

DD and I are taking three days off at the end of Feb (my DS the RN will be here caring for mom). We are going to Laughlin Nevada to visit a friend of mine who is caring for her disabled husband. We went to the Gem Show last Saturday and it was our first day off since Oct 30th. We worked hard to not feel guilty at attending to our little business rather than being home with mom. It is easy for me to fall into the mode of "I'll stay- you go" when a trip to the big city is needed. It always turns into an all day affair and is exhausting to me.

Over all I am so very thankful for this opportunity to spend time with my mom. She has seemed gone to me for many years but each day now I see a small glimpse of the mom I remember. It makes me both sad and glad. It is possible to feel honored by the opportunity to care for her and a bit resentful at the same time. Again, that is my self excusing self. I can easily use caring for mom as an excuse for not cleaning the chicken coop or being outside in the sunshine. I have found it to be very important that I push myself to "BE" myself at the same time I care for mom. I know I am rambling but such is my day today! Blessings, Sis


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## Goats Galore

Always remember that it is truly a blessing just to be able to give your parents a hug and a smile, especially when they may know who you are. Life does indeed have a beginning and an end...celebrate every moment in between, even in difficult times.


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## DW

(((((HUGS))))) You are right, there comes a time do what is best for all.


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## Michael W. Smith

Thanks all for the support. 

grandmotherbear, start breaking that $3000.00 per month down to days - roughly $100.00 / day - which seems outrageous until you figure - if I keep Mom at home and have to pay someone $10.00 / hour for 10 hours / day - right there is your $100.00. At the assisted living they get fed - at home YOU buy the food. We can't be watching her when we sleep - at assisted living - they check on their people every hour or two.

My wife only makes minimum wage at her job and while some people might say "Well then, she needs to quit and take care of her Mother." Well, she is stressed out and burned out after the 5 1/2 years we have taken care of her. Her Mother will not just sit in the chair while my wife goes to do something - she gets up to "help". But she can't help do anything and my wife is at the end of her rope.

Our house is a two story house with ONE bathroom on the 2nd floor (same as the bedrooms). Mother-in-Law has been able to get up and down 13 steps while she has been with us, but we know that as she declines even further, she won't be able to do steps.

OUVickie, the facility she will be going to is an assisted living place for people with dementia. It's in a lock down unit and they did have a "day care" thing going that my MIL went to while my wife worked, but they quit that about a year ago. They allow her to continue to come in every day since she has been with the program since it started. She has been on the waiting list for rooms, but they didn't call us as they knew we weren't ready yet. My wife told them earlier this week that "The next room call us. We still might pass it up depending on how things are going." She told them yesterday "The next room we will take." If we were to tell them "We need a room TODAY!" I'm sure they would make room. As it is right now, we will wait.

I'm not sure at what point the assisted living dementia unit moves their patients to "full care nursing home". We had thought as bad as what she is now they might tell us "No, she will have to be in the nursing home part." But they assured us that is still good enough to stay in their unit for now.

I know we aren't a failure - but it still just feels like . . . . . we are letting her down.

But we know at this point it is the right decision. Once the room is available will be a huge relief for my wife.


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## OUVickie

I totally understand how you both feel. I didn't want to have to put my Mom anywhere, but she started roaming around at night and we live out in the country. I was petrified she'd fall or be able to open the door and roam outside while we slept.
I came to the realization she was much safer in a facility with 24 hour care and a locked unit, which required a code to get out.
Mom couldn't dial a phone anymore, much less punch a correct code into a locked door. The place I put her in was really good to her and took very good care of her for 4 years. I could go see her anytime and take her out to dinner and for a drive - which I did, until she was no longer mobile and I couldn't get her into the car. We took her home for holidays as long as we could too.

At some point, it's just much safer for all of you. That's what got me through it, realizing I did the best I could, until she required round the clock attention. 

Hang in there. Hugs & prayers for you. I know what it's like!


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## Homesteader

I am thinking of you, many prayers for the comfort of all of you......


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## Grandmotherbear

Michael, my mother is not to the point where your mother in law is yet.
My mother would have to pay taxes on her house sale. She is exempt from taxes while living there as the widow of a disabled veteran.
You can hire a live-in companion who drives in Florida for about $2,000 a month.
My mother's health is declining but she is still able to do everything (including changing her Poise pads) except clean house and won't have a housekeeper. 
Her physical decline seems to have slowed this winter. But her actions are reminding me of when she had the colon cancer operation 20 years ago and worked it for all the sympathy and control she could. When she refused to do her breathing exercises I rented funny movies to make her laugh. She wanted to be waited on hand and foot while telling me how wrong I was doing everything. I had originally taken 10 days off work for her rehab -that's how she got to go home so quickly after surgery- her daughter the RN would be with her-I was back at home and work after 3 days because she was trying so hard to manipulate everything she could and I would not be a party to it.
I know when she will need care better than she does. Right now she needs a companion to drive her car (she is so unsafe!) take her shopping, do a little cleaning, and spend time with her. It's easier to put up with her cruelty and manipulation if a paycheck is coming at the end of the day.


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## Ann-NWIowa

My dh took a fall the end of Sept. and had to go to the ER. The hospital did not want to release him home since he was barely mobile. The hospital wanted him to go to nursing home for 4 days. The nursing home charge was $187 per day and they would not accept him for less than 3 weeks. We ended up with home care services thru the hospital for 3 months during which time he had physical and occupational therapy, nurse visits and bath aide. He gets around the house okay now with a walker, but leaving the house is a major, painful and time consumming event. Since the hospital home care services ended dh continues to do his therapy exercises by himself and we are paying for a bath aide. Its a day by day exercise in patience for both of us as he's in constant pain and I'm exhausted since I've added caring for him to doing everything else needed to keep body and soul together. 

I can see that dh's health will continue to deteriorate and he will need more and more care. A wheelchair is not too far in the future. At each step down in health the level of care need will increase so I anticipate at some point it will reach him requiring more care than I can provide.

One big frustration for me is not one member of my extended family has called to ask how we're doing let alone ask if there is anything they could do to help. My b-i-l and s-i-l have been up once and have offered to help so at least I know I can call them. Our kids call to ask how we're doing, but never ask if there's something we need them to do. One blessing is a couple we've known casually for years have come along side and offered a lot of support both practical and emotional.


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## Kmac15

Ann, I am not making excuses for your kids but..... they may not want to admit that dad needs more help than you can give. Have you considered outright asking them for help. Make your request very clear, such as needing help getting him to a doctors appointment or grocery shopping. I know we would all love for our family to magically know what we need but the truth is that we are the only ones that truly know what is going on with us.


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## JoePa

Well - I'll tell you something - we are living too long - once you get to a stage where you can't take care of yourself it is time to go - who wants to live like a vegetable and lose all of you dignity - if it wasn't for all the pills and medical care most of the old people would be long gone - it is just too bad that you can't take some kind of pill and end it all - I know it is easier said than done but living to a point where you don't even know what is going on isn't the way it should be - years ago most of these old people would have died a lot earlier - so living so long is really unnatural - 

I'm 80 and in good health - thank God - but I'll tell you when I get to a point where I can no longer care for myself or don't know anybody then it's time to take up sky diving or some other dangerous sport or eat so I get a massive heart attack - hopefully there will be a pill I can take or stop taking ones that are keeping me alive - after all I believe there is a better place waiting for me - Amen


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## frogmammy

Ann, if your husband had a mobility scooter it would help the BOTH of you a lot. When DH was ill, lugging the wheelchair into/out of the vehicle was a pain, literally, as was pushing him all over H and Georiga for medical visits (3 weeks after I got out of the hospital after surgery!) In addition, I think that with the wheelchair he felt like he was no longer in control of his life.

When DH got his mobility scooter it was like he was a new person...he started laughing again and enjoying life. He used to enjoy walking and when he got his scooter, he would just go out for rides sometimes. Made his life nicer. 

And mine, I have to admit!

Mon


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## Michael W. Smith

JoePA - I have to agree with you there. My Father-in-Law was in the same assisted living lock down unit that my Mother-in-Law will be once there is a room available.

The assisted living part wasn't too bad. All the people had some sort of dementia or were wanderers and needed to be in a locked down unit - but for the most part all could still take basic care of themselves and just needed help here and there.

When my F-I-L got too bad and had to be moved to the nursing home part - well that was something totally different. It was a lock down unit but the majority of patients were way worse off - some just repeating the same word over and over again - some not even able to get around - some just curled up in a fetal position and hand fed, with no idea what was going on around them.

After looking around there - that is when I started saying "There are worse things than death."


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## Waiting Falcon

Because it took more than one person(me) to take care of my DS she was put in a nursing home after being released from the mental hospital. She was in a lockdown because she had a history of running away. It felt like a prison to me or a laboratory where they were doing research. I had already a place promised for her in a Level 2 Assisted Living when a room became available but she had to stay in that nursing home for 6 months. It was so bleak. Now she is at the AL and the warmth of the home in color, chatter,warmth, genuine family atmosphere is such a change. I think it maybe too late for improvement for her mind but still it is a far better place.

Do check out all options. I found this AL on 
AplaceforMom.com

This place is 2 hours drive away where she is now but I hate to think what might have happened should she have stayed in the NH.


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## suzfromWi

Years back, when I left my mom laying, not really there, in a hospice bed, I knew I would never see her again. I lived four hours away, and they said her time was near. I am her youngest daughter of eleven, and my heart was breaking. I too, knew she would hate what was happening to her. At almost 92 she had been a vibrant, animal loving, children loving, woman. As she aged, her health became a torture for her, but she kept asking God for ONE more summer...She didnt want to leave us all...Now, she needed to go be with daddy, her son, my first born child, and all the others that went before her.
As I lay in my bed thinking of her, I started to sing in my head, the song I was raised on....Now is the hour, when we must say goodbye...Soon you,ll be sailing...far across the sea......Then I asked our creator to please take her home, and I went to sleep....At eleven that same night, I got the phone call from my sister...Mom had passed....I love and miss her still...


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## manygoatsnmore

Michael W. Smith said:


> badlander . . . . . . . . . it is time. My wife and I simply cannot do it anymore - we admit defeat. (We know we aren't defeated, but it sure feels like it.)
> 
> Something has happened to my MIL within the last 2 - 3 weeks.
> 
> My wife had a cough and fever and got antibiotics. As soon as MIL started coughing, we took her to an urgent care center as it was in the evening. Despite her protests that "There isn't anything wrong with me." she was seen by the doctor and given antibiotics as well. But this isn't the "something has happened" that I'm talking about.
> 
> I went to bed the one early morning (I'm a night owl & usually am up until 1:30, 2:30, etc in the morning) and could smell something when I went upstairs. I usually stop at my MIL's door - just to make sure everything is okay - and I stopped and listened - and didn't hear anything. Usually you can hear her snore, but I heard nothing. I assumed she was just in a deep sleep and went to bed.
> 
> As I lay there, I just started feeling that something was not right with her. So, I went back over to her doorway and listened again. Nothing. I stepped into her room - and it hit me that the smell I could smell when I came upstairs was coming from her. Her leg was uncovered and as I stood there listening I still could not hear any breathing. I touched her leg and it was cold as ice.
> 
> I went over to my wife and woke her up and said "I think Mom is dead." She got up and both of us went back over to MIL's room. My wife which has a much better sense of smell than me could immediately smell the smell BEFORE we got in the room. We both stood in the room listening. Silence. Both of us touched her leg - ice cold. My wife turned on the light and we are both looking for any kinds of movement. Seeing nothing I shove her leg - which seems very heavy to move - and that is about the time she opens her eyes and looks at us!
> 
> The smell was of course she had defecated in her depends. Well, it was more diarrhea than anything and had come out and was over some of the bed. My wife got her up and to the bathroom to get her cleaned up while I got the bed stripped. She was cleaned up and put back in bed. We went back to sleep.
> 
> She seemed fine in the morning - nothing unusual. She went in to daycare and came home. Went to bed as usual.
> 
> The following morning my wife heard her out in the hallway and went to find her just in her top - and that smell again. She had woke up and must have known she dirtied in her depends had taken off her PJ bottoms and depends. Again, there was a mess on the bed so the bed was stripped again.
> 
> I have noticed when I go to bed at night that she no longer snores. So, as I said before - something has happened within the last 2 - 3 weeks. She has also drastically declined mentally in that time. She no longer knows what the toilet is. My wife has to go to the bathroom with her because otherwise she will just pull her pants down in the bathroom and go while standing up. My wife tells her to sit down on the toilet - but she doesn't know what it is and doesn't understand she has to sit on it to go to the bathroom. My wife has to tell her while physically guiding her to "Sit down".
> 
> We have to assume she has had mini-strokes.
> 
> My wife and I have decided this week that we can't do it anymore. My wife has talked to the nursing home where she is taken for "day care" when my wife works and they have been told the next bed that is available is hers.
> 
> The nursing home even mentioned to my wife when she was talking with them that they wondered how we were doing it. They have also noticed a very recent decline with her as well. They figure a room will be available within the next couple of weeks to month.
> 
> Eating has become even more of a problem where she wants to eat using her fingers rather than a spoon or fork - because most of the time if she is using them, they are upside down.
> 
> We have done this for the past 5 1/2 years and it is now to the point that we just can't do it anymore.
> 
> MIL will celebrate her 88th birthday this month. I have to wonder if this is the last birthday.


Antibiotics followed by copious diarrhea with a distinctive odor raises a red flag for me - has her stool been tested for clostridium difficile (c. diff)? It is a bacterium that is naturally found in the gut, but the good bacteria in the gut normally keep it in check. Antibiotics upset the balance of bacteria and allow c. diff to grow out of control. It then releases a toxin into the gut that results in terrible diarrhea. The diarrhea leads to dehydration and electrolyte imbalances and can make a vulnerable (elderly, for instance) patient go downhill fast.

My thoughts are with you.


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## Michael W. Smith

The doctor told us that diarrhea was a possibility. Everything has cleared up - the diarrhea and the fever/cough.

We are just waiting on the call from the assisted living facility that a bed is available - she has been on the list and is at the top, so the next bed is hers.

I don't want to sound selfish, but my wife and I have put our life on hold for long enough. It is time.


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## manygoatsnmore

Oh, good, I'm glad she came through it okay. There comes a time when the caregivers need a rest. Only the individual caregiver knows when it's time, and no one should be made to feel guilty when that time comes. I know it's not easy for you or your wife and my heart goes out to you both.


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## sidepasser

Everyone here has stories, some are truly heartbreaking and others are tales of courage.


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## Michael W. Smith

My wife went in yesterday to pick up her Mother at the "Elder Daycare" and was told the resident that was holding up Mother-In-Law's room was getting ready to leave yesterday. 

My wife said her Mother would take the soon to be empty room, so once they get the room cleaned the plan is to take her in Monday morning (like we always do) but the only thing is we won't be picking her back up in the afternoon.

This weekend, my wife will be taking MIL's clothes and some personal items in.

My wife needs to let her brother know - she had already told him that the next room available she would be moving in - so not sure how he will handle the news that it will be this coming Monday.


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## Seeker

Michael - as someone else said, you know when it it time.

I'm glad you realized when that time came. It's been about 2 months since your last message. What has happened since.

None of this is easy. I've actually been interviewing a few about this subject - and although anecdotal, I've seen more than a few cases of the caregiver passing away BEFORE the person cared for - the stress on this issue is very very high.

Blessings to all dealing with this.


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## frogmammy

Many decades ago, I worked as an aide in a nursing home. One of the old ladies there was extremely violent when you helped her with ANYTHING, pinching with a twist, knocking glasses off, scratching. Very mean look on her face.

One of the other aides knew the woman and had lived in her neighborhood. She said the woman used to bake cookies for all the neighborhood kids, made special treats for Halloween, was just a very nice person, everyone loved her and loved to be around her.

One morning I was helping her get dressed (it always took 2 people) and she took a mighty swing and my glasses went flying across the room. I grabbed both her hands and knelt down holding them and said to her, "Why are you doing these things? Why are you trying so hard to hurt people? I hear you used to be a WONDERFUL person, a joy to be around, and that your chocolate chip cookies were the best tasting of ANY made in town. What HAPPENED to make you so hateful?"

As soon as I said the last, she looked like I'd hit her with a 2 x 4. The shock, hurt and pain on her face were like NONE I'd ever seen before. She recovered in a couple minutes, and the fight was on again.

Later, I was telling one of the nurses about the incident and I was told the rest of the story.

The woman had been living with her niece's family, had no children of her own. One day the niece told her that they were going to totally redecorate and improve her room, and she'd need to go into the nursing home for a short time...tearing up, painting and rebuilding the room with it's own bath would take a while, you know.

So they took her to the nursing home with her suitcase. Left her there, and never came back.

It's going on 50 years now, and I still think of that woman.

Mon


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## Seeker

There are those who know when it is finally time to let go, and there are those who simply throw away.


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## Grandmotherbear

Seeket- as a Hospice nurse I've seen a LOT of caregivers die before the patients. The stress of caregiving. Can be a killer.


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## frogmammy

Seeker, if you have ever worked in a nursing home, you've seen both of those.

It used to make me so sad, to see the lives and experiences in times gone by that no one would EVER see again, nor even know about. I think everyone entering a nursing home should have a scribe assigned to them, to record their life experiences for posterity. There is SO much lost.

You know what? Maybe schools should make that a social studies project. Certainly going to have enough elderly people around!

Mon


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## Michael W. Smith

Well, as planned my wife dropped her Mother off for "daycare" on the morning of 03/09. The only difference is she didn't go back in the afternoon to pick her up.

We stayed away for over 2 weeks as she adjusted. We were told most times went well, but in mid afternoon to late afternoon (around the time my wife would go to pick her up) she would get agitated and ask about my wife if they didn't keep her occupied with something else.

In this time, I have gone in a total of 4 times. My wife has gone in once, and my son has gone in once. With me she isn't too bad, but the one time my wife went in, she assumed my wife had shown up to "pick her up and take her home".

Right now my wife just can't deal with it, so has been staying away. And even I feel bad for not going in, but I was just in on Sunday and she thought I was there to bring her home too.

There is no use in telling her the truth - that she has to stay there. I alternate the stories that either my wife has the flu or my son has the flu and we don't want her to get it. It took several times of telling her this before she finally agreed that she didn't want to come home for fear of catching it too.

I have to wonder if my wife and I waited too long to put her in, as we both just feel exhausted and don't want to visit her at this time.

She has done well, except for getting upset several times and wanting to go home. She has fell about twice - tripping over things - but she just doesn't pay attention to where her feet are and she looks up and around instead of where she is going, so that's no big surprise there.

My son is happy that he now has his bedroom back. He sacrificed a lot when she moved in almost 6 years ago and gave up his bedroom for her. He ended up staying in a smaller room with just enough room for a mattress on the floor.

I do have to say it is really nice to just "pick up and go" and not have to worry about taking her along (and slowing us down) or figuring out who could come to stay with her. We have had several "date nights" and just nice meals out - without having to worry about her.

But there is still some guilt there that we are a "bad" daughter and son-in-law for doing this - and not going in to visit all the time.


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## ceresone

I know before I post, that I will make everyone mad--but here I go--I'm on the "other side of the equation" I'll soon be 78, and garden, etc. But, all I can thing of is the trying time I had raising my children, many times I felt I just couldnt do it--but I never gave up-I just hope my children dont give up on me-and send me away. Yes, I know everyone does what they have to do...


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## flowergurl

I do understand where you are coming from ceresone. 
It was nice back in the day when generations lived together and the older members
could stay at home because there were others at home too.
Most families today tho have all the adults working and it just seems life is so much more stressful.
I have told my kids you will have to take me out kicking and screaming, as I am not leaving my house ever. Now i better work on my mental skills..so they can't have me declared. 
I can hope i get a long life and pass out in my garden of a heart attack like a gardening friend of mine did.


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## ceresone

My Daughter works in a nursing home--one lady clung to her, and begged to go home, didnt know why they didnt love her anymore--breaks my heart--my Sis was in a nursing home--on her daughters orders, she was given morphine in both arms-her only crime was growing old-I shared my Husbands confusion for 10 years, as brain cancer, and dementia took him--so--at the risk of making others mad--I just had to point out the other side.--But--we each do as we feel we have to..


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## FireMaker

Father in law died last Saturday. About two weeks before Christmas he went to the hospital for a week. When he got out is was a nursing home for rehab. Congestive heart failure and major lung issues. Told the wife he wasn't going home. Refused to wear the bipap, take therapy, or eat what he should. Got C. Diff and MRSA, cleared of both. Was in and out of nursing vs hospital multiple times. Got C. Diff. agian. This time it just depleted his energy. He just plumb wore out. If he had participated in treatment, there would have been a big difference.


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## frogmammy

Ceresone, I firmly believe one should have an exit strategy planned. Just sayin'...

Mon


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## Seeker

When the last parent is gone (my Mom), we're thinking of "outside the country" as our exit strategy.


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## TexasRed

I have been struggling with this for awile. Is it wrong, un-Christian or just plain cruel to move away and leave an again parent behind?

She is not the most pleasant person to be around for any length of time. She critical, nasty and demeans me at every opportunity. I tolerated it for years and suddenly relized she can only be abusive if I allow her to be. So I have greatly reduced how much of my time I spent with her. It makes me sad, as I know she is lonely. But on the other hand it is freeing to not be talked down to constantly. Most of the grand kids, my sister, cousins etc. avoid her for the same reasons.

We have planned for 20 years to move to Texas when we retired - she has known this. Now that the time is here she is simply nasty to me about it. Will dream up the most ridiculous bad things to say about Texas and went as far as to tell me it is as if I have no common sense anymore. ((sigh))

I suppose I'm feeling some guilt over leaving her alone, yet know it won't stop me from moving. We are very anxious to begin the next chapter in our life. 

Anyone else struggle with this kind of situation - how did you deal with it? Am I being a horrible daughter for wanting to live my life?

Any opinions - good or bad - will be appreciated.


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## ceresone

Don't think you want my answer


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## Grandmotherbear

My mother's blatant attempts at manipulation have increased. She decided she "hated" her house and is now entering an "independent living/assisted living" facility. I handled the billing for several of these during my 24 years in Hospice service and I am VERY aware of the multitude of ways these- even the "non-profits"- nickel and dime their residents to death. My mother would not listen to my concerns- I tried to explain them to my brother and he brushed me off with "she's rich- she can afford it." Well, she's not. She has lived comfortably only because of the homestead exemption she gets as a disabled vets widow. Neither my brother nor my mother will listen to me about the fact that non-profits do not give away services- they MERELY do not sell stocks in themselves to the public. I have worked in several different nonprofits and they are just concerned about the bottom line as the for-profit corporations. 
My mother has attempted to guilt me into moving closer and/or visiting every week (5 hr drive). It doesn't work. She's mentally ill and has an intense need to hurt me and my children at the very least-everyone she knows at the most. I am not going to visit more often. I MAY just visit less often. She demanded a visit this past weekend- said she needed my help to shop for furnishings for the apartment she expects to get at the retirement hoe (on a waiting list) Wrong- she had her favorite niece come to stay at the same time and insisted we ALL had to go to IKEA to buy furnishings. I amgoing back this coming up weekend but am dreading it. Only the fact that my DS is in that city for a course is driving me back there-this will be his last weekend there. 
My mother's mother was also blatantly selfish and manipulative and as a woman at my current age, my mother used to say to me that if she ever acted like her mother to shoot her. She complained constantly over her mother's demands and the burden it placed on her. When I started to notice her acting like her her mother and told her so, her response was, "My mother wasn't so bad". Now she's indeed just like her mother, and that's okay by her. I am NOT going to playact dutiful daughter like she did with her mom however.
No, you are not a horrible daughter for wanting to live your life. Go ahead and move where ever you wish while you still have the strength to enjoy it.


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## chickenmommy

Amen grandmother bear!!
Well said!!


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## Michael W. Smith

ceresone said:


> Don't think you want my answer


ceresone, while I do believe one should honor thy Father & Mother, one certainly should not if being abused (whether physically or verbally).

It sounds to me that TexasRed is being verbally abused. Her Mother is putting her down. (While I realize we are only getting TexasRed's side of the story, there have been how many countless other members who have had to break off contact to a poisonous parent?)

TexasRed, it's not like you have suddenly sprung this upon your Mother. In all the previous years you have mentioned about moving to Texas, she has probably figured it's all talk. Now that your retirement is coming close - she has suddenly awoken to the fact that you aren't just talking - you are planning on doing - and she doesn't want you to go.

Hopefully you have a sibling nearby who can "tend to Mom's whims". If not, get the phone number of the local Area Agency on Aging as well as other phone numbers for companies that can help out seniors. (Get your ducks in a row BEFORE you go to Texas,) so when Mom calls needing "help", you can call the people who can provide help for her.

Grandmotherbear - even though you have worked in the field, and know how it works - family always seems oblivious to the fact that you worked in the field and know how things are. They always know more than you do.

I guess your Mother and Brother will just have to live and learn. When your Mother's money is gone and your Mother and Brother come to you, you can remind them you told them of your concerns and weren't listened to - so apparently Mom will be moving in with Brother - because after all "She's rich - she can afford it."


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## TexasRed

Michael W. Smith said:


> TexasRed, it's not like you have suddenly sprung this upon your Mother. In all the previous years you have mentioned about moving to Texas, she has probably figured it's all talk. Now that your retirement is coming close - she has suddenly awoken to the fact that you aren't just talking - you are planning on doing - and she doesn't want you to go.
> 
> Hopefully you have a sibling nearby who can "tend to Mom's whims". If not, get the phone number of the local Area Agency on Aging as well as other phone numbers for companies that can help out seniors. (Get your ducks in a row BEFORE you go to Texas,) so when Mom calls needing "help", you can call the people who can provide help for her.


Thanks for the feedback, tips and support Michael. You hit it spot on. It boils down to she never thought this day would come and now that it has, she doesn't want me to go. 

She has been verbally and emotionally abusive for a long, long time. Even talking to her on the phone leaves me feeling like I've been slapped. ((sigh)). It's all very sad, but I must go - for myself, my sanity, my health. 

I do have a sister nearby who will hopefully step in. I will check into the agencies you mentioned and share that with sis for the enevitable. Great tip to do it before I move.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply.


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## TexasRed

Grandmotherbear said:


> No, you are not a horrible daughter for wanting to live your life. Go ahead and move where ever you wish while you still have the strength to enjoy it.


Thank you for the kind words and support. I appreciate it very much.

So very sorry about the turmoil with your Mother. Your stories sound worse than my situation. I wish you peace and happiness in your choice to not be her victim.


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## Seeker

Reminders come up for me...

tomorrow is the day our first parent (Jan's Dad) passed - wow 15 years ago. Time flies.

We are currently dog-sitting a dachshund because a lifelong friend had her Dad pass away last weekend - the funeral is today. She had a hard time caring for both her parents (she's an only child) and is at the moment dealing with her mother being a pain within her grief and lamenting "I was supposed to go first!"

And my Mom sold her house last month because "she was lonely and the house is too big" even though I said renting would wipe out what she had left faster than a paid for house... "but I can use the money from the house to pay the rent!"

The good news on that - I did learn most of my financial acumen from her... so once she sold the house, she looked at rentals, shuddered, and bought a smaller cheaper house. So, the action freed up some funds, and she has another place. Still, the part that doesn't (and probably will never) change: "I'm still lonely."

Just thought I'd share a few bits...


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## ceresone

Dan, my Hubby has been gone now for over 3 1/2 years. While I wish I had a smaller house, I couldn't sell. Dr asked me the other day, if I was "Happy" My answer was confusing to him--but I believe best describes me--I'm "Content"
And while it does not apply to Texas's situation, sometimes it IS the child. One Daughter (She is 62) hasn't spoken to me in over 20 years. Found out one day, that what she left over just didn't happen! Not just me remembering it--but my other 3 Children. She decided I was trying to take over her children! And all I asked, when we were going somewhere, was if she was going to change their clothes!! She took their shirts off, and put them back wrong side out! Glad 2 other daughters were there to verify that was ALL I said.


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## Seeker

My Mom has always "bought and sold" - for as long as I can remember. She buys furniture, she sells furniture (had a store a couple times). She was a real estate broker for years. So, for her selling and buying a home was just another thing to do.

My concern is about "when the time comes for her to stop driving". On my last visit, I saw quite a few scrapes on the car... don't know what she ran into or next to. Still, I said nothing, because if she can't go out to garage sales and buy things to then resell, I don't know what she would do with her day. (She is not social at all).


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## Grandmotherbear

My mother is all moved in to the retirement home and her house has sold. GFB and I and my brother are making a day trip tomorrow to celebrate birthday #89. Hopefully we will all be able to fit in our car to go out to lunch. I asked my grandson to send her a birthday card (he's away at college) I would not voluntarily subject him to her presence.
I have started sending her a fancy card every two weeks or so and my husband has been the one to answer my phone when the caller ID shows that it is her calling. 
I am starting to regret that I ever allowed her to re- entangle our lives back when I graduated from nursing school. I managed to find a night time day care provider when she had her plastic surgery after I had moved to FL and she had insisted that the children could sleep at her house and I wouldn't need night time day care- I could have stayed with it (never do what a coworker working night shift in NYC did, which was to lock her preschool and elementary age children in their bedrooms every night before she went to work). I think about how much grief she caused my children at vulnerable times in their lives and have a hard tie forgiving myself.


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## Jenn

My mom forgot to hang her phone up properly 3 days ago so just spent an hour plus when her friend called my old #- luckily majic jack still sent me a message on email- calling because she had not been in touch after they'd planned to talk the next day or so. I was scrambling on cell data to see when we'd last emailed, when she'd last posted on fb or her blog page (and DH saying 'they might delay publishing so it doesn't mean she wrote it yesterday'), to get through to her or the apartment manager (line always busy), to figure out how to get a welfare check done when the police depts across the country don't answer phones Saturdays and mostly seem to suggest call 911 if you need a police officer. How do you call 911 for another state?!? At least my sister answered her phone right away- she'd wondered why mom hadn't answered her calls the past 2 days so might've been quicker to pick up her phone than normal- and my mom got my email (thought my brief 'call me- welfare check' comment was a spam email from my account- she doesn't know that term aside from money in the mail from the welfare office) and called her friend and us kids before the friend had to drive over and knock on the door. Also corrected the old phone # for me she and her friend had in their records, and the friend is going to give her a cordless phone to try in place of her corded one which may be dying off. (She doesn't want a cell phone yet as Sis and I ask her to get- first get to the end of the 20th century before entering the 21st!)


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## Jenn

Alice In TX/MO said:


> I am the caretaker for a 68 year old veteran who is a family friend, but now lives with us. He's had a rough life, and the last year and a half have been especially bad. But, with the spring, Lonnie has been doing a bit better. The warmer weather, the goat kids to tend to, etc., have had good results.
> 
> Last evening, he had a minor melt down. We were having an interesting discussion about a book I'm listening to, The King's Speech. It has really made
> me interested in world politics and human nature, and we were talking about that. I made an observation about having a better understanding about the third world thinking we are imperialists, and he said, "It took you this long to figure it out?" He managed to incorporate that in the conversation two more times over the next few minutes, and then said he didn't mean it in a derogatory way. (Sure felt like it)
> 
> Then, we talked about how our life experiences (He's a four tour Vietnam veteran and a 32 year career Navy retiree) have shaped our world views, and he started in on me about how I often talk about ideas, and he just sits there and shakes his head and doesn't say anything.
> 
> Apparently, he thinks I'm a naive idiot, and has held his tongue until yesterday. He rambled on and on about my silly thoughts. Then, he said, "I shouldn't have said anything. (pause) Yes, I should because you needed to know." His comments were very painful to me.
> 
> After he wound down, I didn't say anything. He asked what I was thinking, and I said it was almost 6:30, and I needed to feed the goats. He probed a bit more, and I told him that I liked who I am, and if I appeared foolish, it was OK.
> 
> At that point, he mentally shifted gears and started worrying that he'd made me mad. He said that if I wanted, he would leave, just get in his truck and
> drive away. I told him he'd said that before, and I didn't want him to do that.
> 
> My feelings were hurt pretty badly, but while I was milking (what a wonderful meditation time), I realized that what he said has NOTHING to do with me.
> It's his thoughts. His reality. Not mine.
> 
> When I got back to the house, he was quite contrite. He said that "it came out all wrong." He apologized several times.
> 
> This morning, I'm still feeling slightly stung, but it's not so bad. I'd rather be me than him.


4 years later. WOnder if your friend is still with us. I bet he just disagrees with you on some subjects but is too polite to tell you, and like a conservative or a liberal listening dumbstruck to someone saing the exact opposite of what they think, he thinks if you knew all he knows/ saw all he has seen/ were less 'silly' you'd agree with him. However I find the more I talk about politics the less I believe that, or at least recognize that it is useless to believe it, and it is as likely that you in your 'ignorance' would make perfect sense to me or someone else on HT as the opposite, and that I/ that other HTer would accordingly think him the ludicrous babbling fool to believe differently from you (and me).


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## Grandmotherbear

Another lament. My mother has been to the hospital 4 times since moving to the retirement home. In the first instance she went home with home health and refused to take any responsibility for herself, doubtless counting on using the home health nurse to guilt me into dancing attendance. Unfortunately, I had a LONFG talk with the HH nurse before I left, so when the woman (egg donor) told the nurse the next day that I had instructed her NOT to take her meds, I was able to jog the nurses' memory - and then my egg donor refiused to look the nurse in the eyes or repeat back instructions- frustrating the nurse no end. My mother kept calling my cousin who lives close to where she used to live, to tell him she was dying and ask him to call my brother to come- Well, Dougie is an idiot- barely functionally literate- fortunately my brother told him to tell HER to stop calling him(cuz) and call us directly. She has had her friends call us with the same story- but I have not called these friends back because egg donor NEVER gave me permission to talk to them. I talked to the rehab unit she's been staying in post hospitalization and they swore up and down she was able to give informed consent. That is, until I got a call from the rehab unit Sunday that she was increasing confused and should they send her out for a saturated O2 level of 85? Now, as a Hospice nurse I have seen SAO2 level of 78% without respiratory distress -but that was terrible PVD reducing capillary capacity. I told the rehab nurse to get my mother to tell her what SHE wanted to do and document it. The hospital isn't messing around, they asked me to fax in my health care surrogate papers immediately, and I gave permission for a unit of plasma and a thoracentisis to get rid of pulmonary effusions. Oddly enough, they swear up and down she is NOT in CHF or kidney function reduction, and I can't think of much else that would cause oozing edema of all her extremities. I have a medical appointment this afternoon, and if it works I MAY have enough reduction in my back pain to have GFB drive me to see her tomorrow or Friday. Speaking of driving to see her, my brother drove 5 hours to see her on Christmas Day, and at the end of the visit during his leavetaking he asked if he could spend the night in her apartment before driving 5 hours back home. He was extremely fatigued- came down with an URI the week after- anyway, she refused to let him spend the night in her apartment. He called his wife - stunned, and she told him to get a motel room for the night. Now, they are having a world of financial hurt- she had a heart attack a couple years before Obama care, and they had no insurance, and just before my brother got Medicare, he had a ruptured aortic valve that almost killed him. But he found a motel that took almost all his money to spend the night. My SIL told me he couldn't get over her refusing him like that. What skin would it have been off her nose to klet him spend the night in her apartment while she's in hospital???
I am almost thinking I wish she would just die and let us in peace. I know when she dies, I will mourn that I never had a loving or giving mother. I was the kid that after she left,my camp counselors and my father's acquaintances all described me as "too mature for her age" and that I was 'spooky", because I wasn't acting like a kid. I won't mourn the loss of my egg donor. I will mourn that there is no longer a miniscule chance she will ever be loving to me.
Seeker,are you still around? You were lucky to have nice parents and inlaws. Many of the rest of us, not so much- or not atall.


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## Michael W. Smith

Wow. The last I posted on M-I-L was April of 2015. Since she moved into assisted living lockdown unit for patients with dementia, she finally quit asking about going home and now accepts that place as "home".

Things were going along fairly well - a few falls here and there, readjustments in her meds, etc. until late November / early December.

During that time, she ended up having a severe UTI and 3 different mini strokes which has left her unable to walk anymore. We knew the inevitable was coming when the assisted living would call and say "We can no longer care for your loved one and she needs to go to full time nursing home care."

That happened shortly before Christmas, and so she now spends her days in either a wheel chair or in bed. Communication with her has somewhat improved since the mini-strokes - that she is able to carry on a conversation better - but sometimes she still says things that make no sense.

At this point, it's a waiting game. My Mother-In-Law sits or lays there waiting for death. It's times like this where I have to wonder why people thought Dr. Kavorkian was such a horrible man.

Sad to hear Grandmotherbear that things haven't changed with your Mother.


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## MattB4

My sympathies to all that have to deal with aging incapacitated parents. I went through it with my dad 6 years back and now I see it again with my mother (she is 83). Not wishing them dead but wishing their passing was easier is entirely a normal emotion to have. 

My Dad went fairly quick after he started losing the ability to function. My mother is hanging on after numerous trips to the hospital, rehab, home healthcare, and small periods of recovery. She is one that insists on being in her home and will not allow anyone in the family to make healthcare or financial decisions for her. Couple that with the fact she lives a long distance from any of her children makes it hard for any of us to respond on a moments notice. 

I will say that her life is hers to decide as long as there is still any mental ability left to make the decision. I do wonder how long until that is no longer the case. She had a stroke before Christmas and is now blind in one eye. She has been pretty well confined to a electric chair or bed for the last year and this has not made it easier.


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## Grandmotherbear

Yes, freedom includes the freedom to be a d__ fool, as I taught all my nurses, and then turned around to the. Social workers also needed to be reminded of that. However if your foolish decisions don't work out, do NOT blame you family or your doctor.
I had thought I might be well enough to endure the drive to Dunedin to eyeball the old egg donor, but my massage left my feeling so good I went right to bed, and woke up at 2am in agony. Not moving far from the house at all. TMJ is back too, so glad I still have a tube of orajel.
Just occurred to me my relationship with my employing Hospice was a lot like my rrkationship with my mother.


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## Michael W. Smith

MattB4 said:


> Not wishing them dead but wishing their passing was easier is entirely a normal emotion to have.
> 
> I will say that her life is hers to decide as long as there is still any mental ability left to make the decision. I do wonder how long until that is no longer the case. She had a stroke before Christmas and is now blind in one eye. She has been pretty well confined to a electric chair or bed for the last year and this has not made it easier.


Knowing your loved ones wishes via a living will (no life support, no life sustaining measures, etc) - it's not very comforting to know that your loved one that is now incapicitated, is simply "existing". Quality of life is gone, they simply "exist".

As for loved ones not willing to let someone else make decisions for them - tis true - as long as they are still competent, they have the right to do so. But if something horrible happens - where they are unable to communicate and decisions have to be made by the heirs - well, they can't be mad if the "incorrect" decision(s) are made.

And for somebody who insists on being at home and taking care of "themselves", they might come to regreat that decision when they are lying at the bottom of the stairs after a fall, unable to move - and nobody is expected to stop by for hours or days later.


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## frogmammy

Michael W. Smith said:


> .....
> And for somebody who insists on being at home and taking care of "themselves", they might come to regreat that decision when they are lying at the bottom of the stairs after a fall, unable to move - and nobody is expected to stop by for hours or days later.


And do you suppose they'd regret that decision MORE or LESS if they were 20?

Mon


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## MattB4

Michael W. Smith said:


> ...
> And for somebody who insists on being at home and taking care of "themselves", they might come to regreat that decision when they are lying at the bottom of the stairs after a fall, unable to move - and nobody is expected to stop by for hours or days later.


That has happened with both my dad and mom. Did not change their views of being placed in a care facility. 

My dad lived with me during his last years. One morning I found him on the floor beside his bed and he could not get up. I helped him into his bed and asked how long he had been there. He said all night. I than asked him why he had not called me (he had a signaling device) he said "It was your BD yesterday and I did not want to disturb you."

Three years ago a neighbor of my mother found her collapsed in her home and called the paramedics. She had fallen and couldn't get backup 4 days earlier. She had collapsed with a bad infection. Spent over a month in the hospital and rehab. Insisted she could care for herself and went back home. Last year she had pneumonia and spent another month in the hospital and once again insisted on going back to her home against the advice of the professionals. I think she is at the point now that she is scarred to call for help because if she does it is the last time of ever being able to live by herself. 

Going to a care facility is worse than dying in the opinions of my folks.


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## Grandmotherbear

Having worked in skilled nursing facilities for many years, I will tell you they make it very difficult to die. If you stop eating you will be forcefed or tubefed. Lots of activities. 2-3 different shifts of people to interact with. 
I know what my mother told me were her wishes a couple decades ago. Basically she said if she had ANY limitations-including those I felt it would be easy to recover from- she wanted me to hold a pillow over her face. I told her at that point-when she was hounding me to agree to that-that she had made her wishes clear. But I have no intention of doing such. I figured that the most I could do to comply with her wishes was to refuse therapies, and keep her on an oral diet even if she aspirates food. But I will not be making any such decisions unless or until she is documented as entirely unlikely to regain capability. Already she is non ambulatory and enjoying queening it over the physical therapists. 
She didn't name my brother as an alternate decisions maker. She was afraid that as a fundamentalist Christian he might sign her up for tubefeeding if she lost the ability to eat, and that was a terrifying spectre to her.
I made my own daughter healthcare surrogate over Gfb abot 15 years ago, because he was almost uneducatable about healthcare matters, but watching her and dear son in law over the years taught me she had no stomach for hard truths either, so I switched it back to Gfb and rewrote my living will to say that I hoped it would taken as a statement of my healthcare desires even in the absence of a terminal state. I wrote it to deal with the situations I had seen many healthcare residents in-where their wishes were ignored because they weren't terminal. It dealt with things like "no proprietary nutrition formulations " (supplements) , only natural foods and milks, scheduled pain control meds instead of "as needed", access to the outdoors and pet visits. And remembering how much some nuses in my early career resented a little old man who would visit his little old wife, close the door, and enjoy conjugal relations, I added a phrase that my family and loved ones were to be allowed to cuddle in bed with me if they wished. I have done the best I could, and now I have to hope its never needed


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## ceresone

I'm glad to see this post revived evey now and then
You know, as I read the last few post, I thought how much we ARE a family. We dont gree with everything, we hurt for those who hurt, and care about those who are missing. And--then, i realized, we love people we dnt even know. It teaches us over the hill types to remember and be grateful for every family member we have left-and to remember to tell them everyday that we love them, and are grateful for all they do--such as my Daughter (lives across the road) moved in with me for a month after I got out of the hospital.
Some hurts cant ever be forgiven, and i understand those who hav bitter experiences, and while it might be useless, I pray for the parents to change, and love you as you have always deserved to be loved.


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## DragonFlyFarm

I found this thread having buried my father on May 18th. He had a stroke 5 years ago and became my responsibility. He was still quite functional but needed help, my help, which made him frustrated and angry. He told me every day for those 5 years that he didn't want to be here anymore, that he wanted to die. He was upset with me because I put my donkey down, but I wouldn't put him down. There has to be a better way. Hugs to all of you who have been through this, more so to those who are still going through it. There has to be a better way.


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## kalmara

http://www.stuff.co.nz/world/austra...their-own-lives-reflect-on-their-parents-plan

I found this an interesting read


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## Grandmotherbear

I recieved a telephone call from Mother's rehab center, telling me she wasn't doing well and would need her apartment closed down and stuff stored. Now DB has a bad back and leaky heaart valve and I have a bad cxxx; whx. (O m. Y cxxx having hard 5 time posting Ã¾ytt my cellphone. #vv kp w#I n nnn nnmll. Doesn't help I took sss keep dropped off to sleep and dro


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## Grandmotherbear

Sorry about the 4 a.m. posting. Apparently I was asleep while talking. Apparently I got latenight phone call from my mother's snf/rehab that she was doing poorly. They also ask every time they call if one of us has my mother's POA to make financial decisions, yet they deny she is incapable of making her own decisions. I've been sending them right back to the egg donor's room to ask her the hard truth questions, reminding them I do not come into the picture til she is incapable of making her own decisions. So she has respiratory congestion which has gotten better with nebulizer treatments, she refuses to go to the hospital, all extremities are badly swollen and oozing, and she keeps saying she is dying and trying to keep the nurses from leaving her. I know the nurses are hoping my poor brother and I will come and stay with her so they can do their job and get out of the room, but we ain't agonna do that. :bdh::bdh: Been there, done that too many times already. I spoke to my brother this afternoon and suggested that he take the position of POA finances, if she will sign it to him. remember that in Florida, incapacity may not be inferred from nor implied by a diagnosis, but only by doctor documentation. She can appoint him POA . and it would stand. I see no way around trying to drive myself over to her rehab 3 hours away on Tuesday to meet with him and social services. She would have to spend down resources to become eligible for Medicaid, but at $250 a day, that won't take long. Did you know in FL you can't access a table giving the guidelines and limits for enrollment? They make you fill out a pseudo application, and want all your financial info before they tell you what kinds of aid you are eligible for. My mother has very cleverly kept that hidden from my brother and me.
Tomorrow go back to the city for GFBs dr visit and y allergy shots, Monday after that I drive back to the lake. Tuesday drive to mmeet brother at egg donors snf, back to lake Tuesday evening. Wednesday massage, Thursday appointment with chiropractor, think I will try for a second massage for Friday. GFB works far away on Wednesday- 2 1/2 hours one way-I haven't gone with him last couple of times he's gone because I felt incapable of being comfortable on the ride. He doesn't want to drive to St Petersburg and back the day before he gets up at 4:30 to do this 2 1/2 hr drive.Yet I MUST.
Going to go google air taxis and see if there's a local service.


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## Michael W. Smith

Grandmotherbear said:


> They also ask every time they call if one of us has my mother's POA to make financial decisions, yet they deny she is incapable of making her own decisions. I've been sending them right back to the egg donor's room to ask her the hard truth questions, reminding them I do not come into the picture til she is incapable of making her own decisions.
> 
> I spoke to my brother this afternoon and suggested that he take the position of POA finances, if she will sign it to him. She can appoint him POA . and it would stand.
> 
> My mother has very cleverly kept that hidden from my brother and me.


Will she put your brother on for POA? It almost seems like you are possibly questioning it.

I was POA for my Father and executor of his will. I did know most of what he had - although there were still several surprises of how much money he had in other places.

At least with my wife's parents - they were very upfront with us with what they had. We were told and shown who the accounts were with, what they were invested in, and amounts.

Certainly never had to deal with what you are Grandmotherbear - totally unknown. She certainly is making things as difficult as possible.


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## Grandmotherbear

Yeah, she just loves drama. I keep hoping she won't appoint one of her lady friends POA. I have no phone numbers for any of them and she never gave me permission to talk with them about her health and finances.
I did make sure DB was on board with giving my mother's favorite niece first crack at her stuff for remembrances. If she leaves the lift chair I will suggest DB take it. Her clothes would be gifted to the snf for donation to Impoverished and needy residents. I suppose there is an organization to donate her hearing aids to- like the Lions do w/eyeglasses.


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## frogmammy

Check with the local Senior organizations....I gave my husband's wheelchair to a local senior center and they were THRILLED with it...sometimes when they went somewhere on the center bus, someone's legs would give out. Now they had a way to get them back to the bus! And, I hear the hearing aid batteries nearly caused a riot.

Mon


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## Grandmotherbear

Well, another phone call. I had asked the nurses on day shift, if she got too weal to cough up phlegm after the nebulizer treatments, to please ask thedoctor for something to dry up her lungs like Levsin or a scopalomine patch. The 3-11 nurse called and said she was now on drying medicines, plus a baby dose of morphine every 8 hrs and an anti anxiety agent. I called my brother to update him and he wanted to know what it all meant. I told him her prognosis was guarded, and he said, "so they don't know for sure if she's going to pull through or not?" I told him no, that possibly, but not probably she could pull through. I reminded him we've all see patients die when we all thought they would live, and people live when by all available knowledge they should have died. He wants to wait till a doctor says "it's 100% sure she's going to die now", and I know, even if he doesn't, that will NEVER happen.
I texted my cousin Ch_, Mother's favorite niece, about her declining condition. Mother had a prepaid funeral plan at Osgood Cloud, which went out of business a few years back. I called the Osgood Cloud number aand the funeral home that now uses that number is going to have a representative call me back. 
Dear Abby once said that there are "bereaved" whose mourning _stops_ at the death. Yeah, I believe that will be me. Some people have Hallmark moments with their parents- I don't.
Just travelled 2 hours in the opposite direction from egg donor to be in place for dr appointments tomorrow. One thing my mother said she didn't want was an open casket, she didn't want anyone looking at her after she was dead. I believe we can arrange that.
I asked the nursing home that if her friend she gave her apartment key to should come that they should ask her for the key back.


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## Grandmotherbear

I was notified an hour ago that my mother died. I wrote her obituary last night. Now my brother and I are orphans. Just thinking how for so much of my early I was mother-less. Back in High School there were 3 of us who were motherless, the other 2 mothers had died. We kinda hung out together because the other kids thought we were weird for being mother-less
I was just thinking how she absolutely refused to let me come visit to attend my stepfather's funeral back in 1979. Her reason was "I don't need you here now". I actually had more regard for my stepfather than for my mother. He was kind, except when he was on a drunk, and my mother told me she sabotaged his recovery efforts because "he's easier to control when he's been drinking".
So, some of us have well meaning parents and some don't, but most of us, unless we predecease our parents, will have some time in our lives when we are orphans.


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## Bret

All the best...


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## Miss Kay

I'm sorry Grandmotherbear. Death of a parent always bring to thought memories. Unfortunately, you have many bad memories of her so this will be a sad time but for a different reason than most. I often wonder how I will feel when the phone call finally comes that my abusive hateful mother has passed away. I may not even know until months afterward since I have no contact with her or her favorite children. I have mourned not having a real mother all my life so feeling like an orphan will be nothing new. What I am hoping for is closure. I'll never have to worry about what she's going to do or say. I'll never have to look over my shoulder for her to ambush me for another horrible encounter. I can put it to rest and move on. I hope that for you. Better days ahead!


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## MattB4

Although you and your mother was not friends GM Bear I am sure it still will be a period of adjustment now that she has passed away. I hope the immediate issues are resolved and that you can move on. 

Sorry for your loss.


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## Grandmotherbear

Miss Kay said:


> I'm sorry Grandmotherbear. Death of a parent always bring to thought memories. Unfortunately, you have many bad memories of her so this will be a sad time but for a different reason than most. I often wonder how I will feel when the phone call finally comes that my abusive hateful mother has passed away. I may not even know until months afterward since I have no contact with her or her favorite children. I have mourned not having a real mother all my life so feeling like an orphan will be nothing new. What I am hoping for is closure. I'll never have to worry about what she's going to do or say. I'll never have to look over my shoulder for her to ambush me for another horrible encounter. I can put it to rest and move on. I hope that for you. Better days ahead!


zDr Susan Forward's book, Mothers Who Can't Love helped me a great deal.


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## frogmammy

My brother one time, asked me why I didn't hate my mother. 

It was just because, one time when she'd hurt me badly, I realized that she didn't really hate me, she just loved me as much as *SHE* was able. Not as much a speople who love each other love, not as much as most mothers love, just as much as SHE could.

Her parents were good, loving people, raised me until I was nine, so it wasn't because they'd done something wrong raising her. It was just HER.

After I'd come to that realization, she no longer had the power to hurt me.

I should count my blessings...the two siblings she "loved"...one is an alcoholic, the other a drug addict.

And when my mother died, I told a friend that I now knew JUST what a cat felt like when the mouse it THOUGHT it had, escapes...it gives quiet little meow, missing what it never REALLY had.

Mon


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## ceresone

this does remind me of my Mother, in some ways. She told me for years, that i was 'different'-and i never knew why. after she got bad, we bought a mobile home for our farm so could care for her. my brother died shortly after, mom said, 'oh, why did it have to be him'.shortly fter, on aSunday, she tod me when she got pg with me sheasked the Dr what to do--he told her that somesay, she would realize why she had me. She said it took me 40 yers to find out why. She died 3 days later.
I just dont think the past generations knew how to love, theywere too busy living, I know thats true with my Mom. Deep sympathy for you, GMB, as you mourn for what could have been.


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## Michael W. Smith

Sorry Grandmotherbear.

There is nothing wrong with you if you feel no grief. There is nothing wrong with you if you feel glad. There is nothing wrong with you if you feel nothing.

Your Mother - which simply gave birth to you - can't control you or try to control you now.

Remember whatever good memories you can or if there aren't any, well, then just live your life to the fullest.

For all those "Hallmark" moments, those Hallmark movies are simply that - a movie. There is no "perfect" family - no matter what Hollywood leads you to believe, or for that matter - any family that you think is "perfect". They all have their problems - most are good at hiding it.

Of course, most people don't have the dysfunction that you did, but there is dysfunction in EVERY single family.

Take care!


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## Grandmotherbear

Thanks all who offered support. Loading for the drive to St Pete. My sciatica and piriformiss muscle cramps kept me up most of the night.GFB cooked breakfast, he's been a steady refuge for me. He was orphaned in 2003 when his mother died. Bless his heart, he arranged for someone else to do his work tomorrow so he could drive me to St Pete. and give me both practical and emotional support.


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## Seeker

In particular to grandmotherbear, yes I'm still here. Just I don't visit as much as I probably should.

The lament, the grief shout out, the gaup, is there for all of us whether we loved our parents, or whether they loved us, or whether there was pain and antipathy.

Still - it's a journey, an obligation, and eventually an ending.

For me, as you point out, it's a sad one, but based on love and good feelings - mostly.

For you, it has been a painful journey, full of unplanned events, and unwished for obligations. But you've been stalwart and met those obligations that you could.

Although I began this thread a decade ago with my own story - this is what I've actually hoped for - a lament by all of us as we travel this journey that all of us must travel.

It's different for each and every one of us - and the best we can do is hold, support, and understand each of our journeys as we lament.


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## Seeker

I came here to post the next step on my own journey, but _I think I'll wait a bit._


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## Seeker

badlander said:


> I think Christmas is the hardest time to deal with this. I remember my dad, singing "Whte Christmas" and his eyes tearing up when he heard Bing Crosby singing it on the CD player. I'm baking a Christmas Stolen this year in memory of him and his Pennsylvania Dutch heritage. And mom, baking for two weeks before the holiday and how delicious everything was. She loved angels so this year I found every angel ornament I have accumulated down through the years and hung them on the tree for her.
> 
> I'm trying really hard to remember the good times at holidays and not how sad they were the last year of their lives, both mentally and physically.


Bittersweet, because both of these two are now gone... time passes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaVa0UuQ9Pg


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## ceresone

I'm so sorry, Dan


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## Deena in GA

I haven't been here to HT in quite some time, but thought I'd pop in today. To my great surprise, I see this thread, and its quite appropriate for me. My mom read this forum every day for years after I told her about it many years ago. She passed in September and I miss her more every day it seems! She was the best mom and my best friend! None of you knew her because she never posted, but she kept up with you and cared about everyone here. I wish she had posted and you would have gotten to know her.


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## Seeker

*A Lament on Aging Parents*​ *2016-02-01*​ *In Praise of Women*​ 
And so it continues.
My father died in 2006. Almost 10 years ago. The year 2006 was one of anguish, sorrow, tiny bits of joy, and leaving things behind.
My mother was over seven years younger than my father, 72 at the time, with a quadruple bypass heart surgery in her sixties. Still, she was the caregiver; I hope I helped her move beyond such, since caregivers often pass before the caregiven.
Still &#8211; she was the woman. The nurturer, the provider of care, the giver of peace.
Of course she screamed internally when my father passed. She tried to sell every single thing they owned as some sort of assuagement. We allowed most, and convinced her to keep the very few.
&#8230;
And time passes.
Now, almost a decade later, her hearing is going. She doesn&#8217;t want to acknowledge the need for a hearing aid. She blames the phone, because she can&#8217;t lip read over a phone.
She&#8217;s 81, and I try to help. But I am a man. 
Tonight, I worked with her about her computer, something she amazingly took on to communicate, and to reach toward the future. She moved forward.
Skype is/was a big thing &#8211; she can see and hear her family. But she hadn&#8217;t used it in three months, due to a house move. Her old Vista computer needed tons of updates &#8211; but I&#8217;d managed to make it work from afar on this night, and so we &#8220;skyped&#8221;.
&#8220;Mom &#8211; do you hear me? I can&#8217;t see you.&#8221;
&#8220;No, Mom, you must have clicked the video off button. And when I did see you the camera pointed toward the floor.&#8221;
I screamed internally &#8211; wanting nothing more than to make her happy. To allow her to see her family.

But&#8230; time marches on. Her hearing failing, the forgetfulness associated with all of us as we age, the three months of inactivity in using a computer. My frustration arose to almost a breaking point. I knew my voice was not kind, nor fair.
My amazing wife, Jan, walked in just about at that point. I could not say much, given my mother might possibly hear me (or see me) given the connection &#8211; but I jumped from my seat, reached out my arms in frustration, and simply left the room. I was a man &#8211; and I could not solve anything.
Jan took over the phone (my Mom had tried to call given the Skype connection &#8220;didn&#8217;t work&#8221, talked to her, and made things right. No, she didn&#8217;t fix things. She was a nurturer, a provider of care, and a giver of peace.
&#8220;Just leave the computer on, Mom, and let Danny update everything.&#8221;
&#8220;We can work on it tomorrow. Call Jeff and have him come over and look at things.&#8221;
&#8220;Let me tell you our progress in selling our house.&#8221; (My Mom owned a real estate company during her life.)
&#8220;Danny is working on our next visit with you.&#8221;
I stood in our upstairs stairway and simply listened. 

At this moment, I&#8217;m updating her computer, so that maybe everything will work ok. My brother Jeff and I will continue to try to get her to move toward a hearing aid. 
But, as men, Jeff and I try to fix something which cannot be fixed.
Time marches onward &#8211; and we need the wisdom of women &#8211; who understand that the time comes - at beginnings and endings &#8211; when the only appropriate answer is nurturing, providing, and giving peace.

Feb 1, 2016


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## Grandmotherbear

Drinking coffee (staving off an incipient migraine) and just thinking.

First Seeker, it's so good to see your posts being shared. I feel for you on the matter of your mother's denial of hearing aids. When I still worked at a nursing home, over 26 years ago, I occasionally tested newly admitted ladies with severe hearing problems while their daughters were present. I would take their hearing aids, walk over the window where the sunshine was pouring in to "examine" them, face AWAY from the new patient, and say in a conversational tone of voice "Are you deaf?" Most times the ladies would start to answer "YES" even before their indignant daughters answered. It was almost always a family with Mother being the unhealthy center of it- with son in laws, grandchildren and other activities being short schrifted. Not saying there's never a severe degree of hearing impairment- just that something I had noticed with my own maternal grandmother also seemed to exist in some other unhealthily bonded families. So they use the convenient "deafness" to manipulate their families in a variety of ways.

Seeker, you are so lucky you got your mother to even try a computer. My brother got my mother a computer and she was trying to give it away two days after he left, and I refused to take it because she said she was going to keep it a secret from him that she had gotten rid of it. I just kept telling her to tell DB to take it back, which after about a year of not using it except when DB visited to review its use with her, she did.
Speaking as a woman, thank you for the high accolades on our genders' ability to cope with the difficult times. Speaking as a girl child raised by her father, I happen to lack a lot of that ability- perhaps one reason the fathers were so compatible with me in Boy Scouts? I have SOME ability to look past the demented's obsessions, but it was learnt OTJT, not some mystical ability. And of course regularly punished by my father, because I was not acting "womanly" or "feminine" according to 1950's standards.

. 2 12-oz mugs of expresso later, the headache seems foiled. We spent 4 days in St Petersburg, 2 of them with my brother, I am trying to make sure whenever I talk to a bank, unless it is regarding one of the InTrustFor items, that everything is being split down the middle with DB. He'ii reimburse me later for the retainer for the lawyer, which I had enough money to put down for both of us when he couldn't cover 1/2 of it. There was a weird clause in the will, that if either of us die in the 6 months after egg donor's death, that will be treated as if we predecease her, in which case Grandfatherbear would inherit my share, but it made no mention of DearBrother's wife. I told GFB, and he agreed, that if that should occur(DB dying in the next 6 months) his wife would still get his half, even if we just had to write the checks out to her ourselves. I knew my mother and I could just see her picturing with glee how she would have set the fox amongst the foxhounds. No, not playing these games, never again.

Seeker, I used to explain dementia to my families as an onion. Every layer is a year or two of memories. Dementia takes away a layer of memories at a time, and for the most part they never come back (altho, like everything else in Hospice, there is that one or two exceptions) By the time they are in the nursing home begging to be taken back home and calling for Momma, they are living in the 4-6 year old girl child's memories. If you took them to the home they had most recently lived in before the nursing home they would NOT recognize it. All the onion layers, memories from age 5 to 85, are gone. The best thing to do is share the old pictures of her as a girl on the old homestead -talk with her, encourage stories of Daddy or Mommy or pets or Christmas, and just accept that there is no way to turn short term memories into longterm at this point of time. 

I hope you find the strength together, you and your wife, to keep on keeping on. Hayfoot, strawfoot. One slog, another slog. Day by day, even sometimes hour by hour, or even minute by minute. You can stand anything for a minute. Endure the first, pray that you can endure the next. Good luck to you.


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## Adirondackgal

Grandmotherbear-Thank you for the explanation of dementia as an onion. My mom has had dementia at least 5 years or more. She had a stroke 5 years ago and has memory loss. She is getting to the point that her memory from her childhood is not correct and her short-term memory is pretty much gone. It is hard to deal with. My dad has a very sharp mind but his body is in very poor shape. He is on dialysis 3 times a week and has other comorbidities. We are very blessed we still have them both, but it is just a matter of time with my dad. His primary doctor said she can't believe he is still alive. He has a lot of fight left in him, and he and mom still live home. I think he is hanging on for mom. They do have a nurse come in 5 days a week and an aid on the weekends. It does give us some time off as caregivers.


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## Seeker

Grandmotherbear, as always, thanks for your insight and knowledge.

My thoughts are with you as you deal with your Mom's passing, both for the details and the fact that the ending was painful, with you knowing no resolution would ever be reached.

To your points in my situation.

I do think my Mom uses her real hearing loss as a way to get attention and get her way. She is obviously reading lips, so I believe the hearing loss is not a deceit, but it can still be used when helpful to her.

As for the computer, my brother Jeff got it for her in 2009 - when she was 75 and desirous of video/audio communication (skype, craigslist, email, facebook). She never contributed much, but she loved reading things (and with craigslist, finding things to buy and sell - still the merchant).

With the house move (at her insistence, but that's another story), the computer ended up not in her bedroom, but an unused one, and there it has more or less gathered dust. Jeff bought her a Google Chrome box to attach to her tv - and there she exhibited exactly the attitude you describe. When Jeff is there, she says, great, thank you, etc... when he leaves, it is untouched.

She of course is lonely, and will be forevermore, so she picked up the cue of trying to use the computer again. I had waited for that vs Jeff's tactic of "use this, use that".

I think we were both very frustrated in the loss of re usability in her mind - just after a few months. I'm not going to push, I'll just hope for a Skype call, if it happens - we used to do that daily.

She does still drive a car, although each time I visit (about 5 times a year), I see another dent or two where she must have bumped something. She has most of her memory - but says herself that her short term memory is shot (and again I believe her, but some is also like the hearing issues).

And there is some concern about competence, though I still give her most because it's hard to say whether a decision is incompetence or frustration. We went along with her selling the house she bought after Dad died - "I've been here 8 years, I'm lonely, it's too big, the yard is too big..."

But now - only 8 months into the new house, she's saying the same things, and even surreptitiously listed it with a Realtor, which we did stop her from doing for now. That's also another story - as the Realtor who sold her this current house conveniently neglected to put my other brother as half owner (which he was on the other house). Actually probably illegal, and we're working it, but now my Mom has complete control. --- Thankfully, at least for now, she's listening to our entreaties.

Again, thanks for your words of wisdom.


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## Grandmotherbear

Adirondackgal- my heart goes out to you.
Dan-Thank you for starting this thread all those years ago, and updating it, and letting us come and vent on it. It's been quite a help to me, both personally and professionally, over the years.


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## TnMtngirl

So good to read these posts again,been staying with my 93 year old mom for 20 months now.I stay at night & my brother stays during the day,I do get to stay home 2 nights a month if I am lucky.Have been away so long I don't know if I can come back or not,my own home seems strange to me.I do know it is falling apart & dirty,the yard is grown up & junk piled up(husband has become a hoarder).Lord willing & I have the strength I will get it cleaned up this spring.It bothers me greatly that I have had to let the work go, but she needs me & I have to go.There is other family but they just can't leave their comfort zone to help.Mom is mobile & does well for her age,still likes to shop & go to the library for those blasted books on cd's.She can't see to read & plays them at night so loud I can't hear the tv or concentrate on a book.I have resorted to wireless head phones for tv.There is always a way ! most of the time.


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## DryHeat

Reading through this thread reinforces my awareness how blessed DW and I are by circumstances as we deal with her now-98yo mom. Both of us are only children, neither of us have had any kids, no other parents or even aunts or uncles are still alive and in the picture, only cousins, and only a couple of those who aren't quite distant and uninvolved. Plus, MIL has widow's VA benefits that pretty much cover all her medical expenses other than custodial care and has savings and various retirement incomes that are more than sufficient, we're pretty sure, for her remaining years at a very nice care facility only a few miles from where we live. I think the key move we made was a decade ago after MIL's second husband, DW's step-father, passed after an infection after a fall and fracture. The three of us visited an elder-law specialist for specific pointers, then our family attorney to get interlocking wills, medical POAs, and durable POAs (financial) all drawn up together. MIL was at that point still mentally sharp and all three of us were (I think accurately) confident in the others having our best interests in mind going forward. At the same point, we had all three of our names put on her several bank accounts and CDs, etc, with DW's and my names on both of ours, also, of course, and DW's name on MIL's house title, and DW's on ours which I'd originally bought outright in my name only.

MIL's health was quite good then but obvious gradual dementia/ Alzheimer's was appearing with her taking two of the meds daily (namenda and razadyne) that have apparently slowed symptom advancement to a crawl. MIL continued living by herself some 5 miles from us but especially while DW was still working her RN's job full time it was my duty to tend to various routine chores that multiplied as MIL's memory and competence degraded. Go by every AM to give her the meds after we noticed the daily pill organizer compartments staying full, fixing her breakfasts or bring McD's selections as she started forgetting to eat, taking her to medical appointments, then the hairdresser weekly after she got lost driving her car a couple of times and we got her to surrender her license (keeping the pickup truck to take her places in with folding wheelchair). Other stuff added in, like inability to cope with paying bills or tend to her cat. So, we added in progressively increasing hours of shifts from ladies with a local in-home care service... four hours mid-day three times a week tending to getting her showered and well-fed those days with meals fixed and left for other days. Then inability to use microwave appeared, then meals left uneaten in fridge, some weight loss registering on Dr's visits, so my time and caregivers' increased, plus DW going by herself more often. Through the process, more behaviors that I was inclined to view as manipulative, or at least game-playing, intensified; refusing to take showers for the care givers, wailing she's oh too "sick and tired" to go get her hair done, oh, can't eat anything after a couple of bites because she "feels vomity" (despite nobody ever, ever having seen her actually vomit!). What do you do? I wasn't going to stand around for an extra hour coaxing her to nibble at food but we'd find even really nice meals just left sitting on a table unrefrigerated. So caregiver hours increased, the main instructions being to just keep plugging away coaxing her to eat and get up and walk a bit. Scattered in were a few health emergencies: UTIs requiring med visits and antibiotics, incipient bedsores needing attention, a couple of minor falls resulting in bruised or possibly cracked ribs and vastly extended caregiver shift times, 24/7 for a few days even. After the second of those about a year ago, I rather blew up at DW and insisted she needed to agree to move her mom to a nice care facility, clean out the house, and sell it. 

The existence of those POAs was key. MIL's long-time MD had years ago grumbled at me during a routine appointment that we "probably should be thinking about her not being able to keep living at home" so the required two physicians' statements of incompetence were automatic and were in place already. We'd already been looking at assisted care homes a year earlier, even taking MIL to the one we thought nicest, wheeling her around the setup, but assuring her we weren't moving her out of her house *yet* but wanted to show her she wouldn't have to go to an old-style dingy, smelly "nursing home" which she'd been rather living in fear of for decades. Of course, as much as her memory was failing I suspect that sort of gesture was 100% for our processing rather than hers, but we'd done it, lol. So, DW took another tour of available rooms near us and found probably an even better place, three very nice retrofitted houses clustered together, max of ten residents in each, large private room with bathroom, two attendants in each daytime, one overnight, nurse on staff, even a well-behaved house dog in residence. We spent some time quietly moving familiar decorations and photos to set the new room up adequately, then DW just bundled her mom into the car and moved her in without any debate or discussion, just "Mom, it's time. You've taken a second fall and just cannot be left alone even with your Med-Alert button anymore." As we'd figured, this generated a lot of wailing "I hate you! Take me back to my home!" and even when wheeled in to the home group eating lunch at their big table, "I don't want to be here! All these people look like they're about to die!" Nice intro to your new housemates, mom. 

Anyway, she's settled in OK since last summer. Sometimes she asks about her old house (which was quickly sold as an as-is fixer-upper), even about her deceased husband, though not very often. Although she's only known me going back 25 years, she has yet to forget who I am, though twice she's not recognized DW. Apparently, she puts the caregivers through frustrations, suddenly sobbing she wants to go back to her room in the middle of enrichment activities or meals, calling out for help over and over with no real reason, claiming to need to urinate urgently over and over without really needing to do so nor having a UTI or anything. All of those patterns had been racheting the stress for myself and especially DW before the move but not now. DW takes her mom out 2 or 3 times a week (going to the zoo in a couple of hours with a visiting cousin) plus she and I both drop in multiple times a week. Not having the pressure and frustrations of it being day-to-day makes it pretty easy to be understanding when we do see her, and I know for me personally that'd gotten pretty difficult to do in very recent years.

The KEY thing, considering we're lucky enough that she has financial assets, was to have those POAs and wills set up, and that had to be done while she was clearly functional and rational. Of course, the family situation had to be simple and clear enough that it *could* be done. There had to be honesty, trust, competence, and intelligence in place among all the parties. Put a distrustful or manipulative parent becoming elderly, or parental sibling, or brothers and sisters, or grandkids, make any of them dysfunctional, manipulative, dishonest, entitled, or just stupid, don't have clear POAs or wills controlled by, in particular, an honest relative, and it must be a nightmare. My sympathies to all who have to muddle through those situations.


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## MattB4

DryHeat said:


> ... Put a distrustful or manipulative parent becoming elderly, or parental sibling, or brothers and sisters, or grandkids, make any of them dysfunctional, manipulative, dishonest, entitled, or just stupid, don't have clear POAs or wills controlled by, in particular, an honest relative, and it must be a nightmare. My sympathies to all who have to muddle through those situations.


Hope your situation continues to work out. My 83 yo mother is one of the manipulative distrust family types. So much so that most of the family is not on speaking terms with her. The two of us that are is my older brother and me. We do not have any rights to make decisions for her. And she is getting progressively worse this last few months. She is not able to get out of bed except to transfer to her electric chair and that is getting more hard for her to do. She has recently alienated all the care givers, physical therapists and doctors to stop coming by. If it was not for Meals on Wheels I am sure she would be starving to death. The question of whether she ends up in a nursing home is simply going to be a race between her becoming totally incapacitated and dying. It has been a year ago now that all the professionals had insisted she be placed in one. I will give her this, she did manage to get a year more home living. 

I am hoping my older brother will take care of the mess my mother is going to leave behind in terms of her funeral arrangements, bank accounts, bills and home. I will not blame him if he doesn't want to though. I know I don't even if it means getting no part of any estate. It is hard for either of us since we live in states over a thousand miles away.


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## Grandmotherbear

I re-read all 16 pages. I cried for the second time since egg donor died (first time was when I read about the 300 Union plumbers who volunteered to go to Flint, Michigan, to install water filters for free). I cried for the families who had love and respect. My own entries, were dry eyed. 
I was lucky to have a maternal and caring camp counselor the last 3 summers I attended the summer day camp at Brownie School in Alexandria, VA. Pretty sure that was grades 4,5,and 6. I have tried to find her sporadically over the years, but there are too many people with the same name and approximate date of birth. She truly was my emotional mother. I think that if I ever found out she had died I would shed the tears that are not coming now.
I was luckier than many children born to mothers with mental health issues. My father kept my custody at the divorce. Both my brother and I told the judge that we refused to go with our mother. If only I had kept those painful memories fresh, I would not have been ripe for seduction when she contacted me as an adult....and I would not have allowed either of my children the major pain inflicted by my mother. 
Thank you for letting me vent, Seeker. Your parents were wonderful role models. They obviously were proud of you.


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## Seeker

This is a thread for venting.

That's why it is called "A Lament".

Take care.


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## Seeker

I hope you someday find that camp counselor. I lived in Alexandria VA myself from 1964-1966. Bought my very first two comic books with my own money at the Rexall Drug Store. 

I even still have those two comic books. (Adventure 335 and Superboy 121 - wow, strange what you remember)


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## Grandmotherbear

Seeker said:


> I hope you someday find that camp counselor. I lived in Alexandria VA myself from 1964-1966. Bought my very first two comic books with my own money at the Rexall Drug Store.
> 
> I even still have those two comic books. (Adventure 335 and Superboy 121 - wow, strange what you remember)


 Rexall at Telegraph Hill? I used to ride my bike down Franconia Road from Springfield to Alexandria to buy comic books in 1964 and 1965! By 1966 I was driving and working after school, less time for comics and fun.


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## Grandmotherbear

Sorry. Double post


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## Seeker

Nope, just a tiny bit north - on Edsall Road. I lived on Bren Mar Dr, and went to the Elementary school there. I was about 8 at the time. So rode my bike, didn't drive.


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## Seeker

Sticking to the subject, my parents were MUCH younger then, though it is hard to imagine. They were youngsters compared to me now.

That said - our home there is valued today by Zillow at 403,000? OMG!

And it doesn't look much different with Google Maps than it did in 1965.

The house next door, though, looks like it was totally torn down and rebuilt.


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## MattB4

Well the day has arrived for my mother living on her own to end. She ended up calling 911 on Sunday and was taken by ambulance to the hospital. It seemed she neglected to eat enough and get enough liquids and it caused a collapse. All of her health care providers had had enough and said they would go to court and have her placed in a nursing home. She has been saved from that by my older Brother flying down on the holiday and agreeing to be the responsible party. 

He and her are presently driving back to his home where he will seek a assisted living home to place my mother in. I am happy that my brother was willing to step up to the plate on this. Frankly he could toss her off a bridge at this point and I would not convict him of a crime. 

Talked to my mother for awhile this morning and she does not like the situation one bit. I am sure she will make trouble eventually though I did mention to her that her choices are no longer hers and that she should be grateful that her eldest son had a sense of duty. That is was now time to accept that other people would be making the decisions. She understands it but it is no easy pill for her to swallow. 

At least now her affairs will be placed into order though I expect any estate is going to be consumed by the ongoing care requirements. It is not much beyond her pension and SS anyway. A mobile home in Florida and her car.


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## Michael W. Smith

Again, I am so glad to be one of the "lucky ones" where at least my wife's parents involved us in their finances, and had everything in order before getting too frail, imcompetent, etc.

The balance of Mother-In-Law's money is now getting eaten up by nursing home costs.

When she lived with us and had a few days / week of "adult care", her SS check was more than enough. Last March when she got put into assisted living is when her SS wasn't enough, and we had to start to sell Mutual funds and stocks.

With her move into full time nursing care in December, it's quickly being eaten. We are down to the one final stock account which will probably be used up before the end of this year.

Their house was put into my wife's and brother-in-laws name a while back, so it's not like the whole inheritance will be gone. But we have no regrets.

We cared for her for 5 years at our house - but last March it was time.


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## Seeker

And so it goes.


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## Michael W. Smith

We were in to visit my Mother-In-Law yesterday and she was in bed for her daily afternoon nap.

As we got to her doorway - we can hear her talking. Several times before we have gone in, she is talking - as well as other residents in the dementia unit.

M-I-L was very "perky" yesterday - quite the chatterbox rather than just the regular "Yes" or "No" answers. I was happy for my wife - that it was a "good" day.

It really makes one wonder though - dementia or not - for those getting near the end of the journey - if previous passed loved ones are there in the room for them, getting ready to lead them onto the next level.

I have no doubts that relatives or friends - previously passed will be there to guide me into the next realm.

Just because I can't see who my M-I-L is talking to doesn't mean no one is there. 

Just a thought.


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## Grandmotherbear

YES! Michael, and sometimes the fog lifts for a day. I will never forget the first Hospice patient I went to assess. The note from signup person said Probable care center admission for imminent death-very confused and bedfast. I found a man who could walk from his bed to the bathroom, and able to give me a fairly decent medical history. Vital signs were good too. I was questioning the signup person's assessment till I found it was an oldtime Hospice nurse whom I really respected so I passed him on to the team with a note that he should be reviewed in 3-4 weeks for continued enrollment versus discharge. Next day he was comatose and admitted to the care center, the next day after that he died.
Some people regain their memories when they get that "energy surge" 48-72 hours before dying, some don't.


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## Michael W. Smith

The Hospice guy was in to see her the day we were there and said that her first "period" of Hospice was soon to expire. The next period wouldn't be a problem but after that she would be reviewed by a doctor to see if she is still a candidate for Hospice.

She had declined substantially in her last weeks in the lockdown assisted living unit. (Going from walking around to bedfast after her multiple mini-strokes. 

Now that she is in full time care, she isn't on a decline and is "holding steady". (Other than the ups and downs in how her memory is from day to day.)

She turned 89 this month. I can't hardly see her making it to 90 but she is still able to feed herself and hasn't "lost" her whole mind yet.

It's just a sad "life" - to remember the busy, energetic person she used to be compared to the "shell" she is now. At this point she isn't living . . . . she is only existing.


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## frogmammy

It's not just parents.

I have been trying to contact my aunt since late November. Voice mail would always pick up, I'd leave a message. She traveled quite a bit. No return call. Today I got the message that the number was no longer in service.

My grandparents raised me until I was 9, and my aunt still lived at home. She was in her mid-20's and we shared a bedroom. She is the last remaining member of the family...she will be...or would be...88 in October.

The family was never close, I just barely know her children's names, and maybe 2 facts about each. She may be in the hospital, a nursing home, living with one of her children (unlikely...she was planning on going back to work). I will have to find her.

Mon


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## Bret

I'm an aging parent. I just don't know it yet.


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## Seeker

This can be about anyone. An aunt, an older sibling, and so on. 

I know a good friend who had another much older friend who fit this category. She passed away recently, reminding me that my friend had visited her most every day.

And it doesn't have to be "older" - I have a high level executive friend who knows/knew/loves someone she has hired many times to decorate her house. He's now in a "long term" hospice. And no, let's not get into it, but it is a sad story. Still, she visits, and goes to lunch with him.

AND YES, it can be us - we are all aging - we all shift demographics.

This is a lament among us all.


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## Seeker

Still, it is part of life - we all need to realize and acknowledge it.

But it is so hard to do so.


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## ceresone

My Daughter works in a nursing home. it breaks her heart to see the patients who are placed there--and spend their last days staring out the window, and crying to go home. the ones that have a failing mind are the "luckiest'. my Daughter is 60--and caring for some younger than her.


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## Seeker

Part Whatever
Moving on, in two senses

We just sold our home. Closing is today. We'll see if the money moved tomorrow. It probably will.

My Mom was a realtor. She has participated almost daily in the "how is it going, what are you selling, when is the closing, and so on" - that has actually been good, not intrusive - it has been her way of participating.

Still, she is using this as a way to (soon) insist on selling her house and renting an apartment. She sold her house of 8 years last August with the concept of - I'm lonely, I'm tired, and I want something different now. She looked at the price of rentals, was aghast, and bought a slightly smaller home.

August till May - much less than one year. (And btw, this is not a new conversation) She keeps asking "Are we happy we sold the home?" (of 16 years) - "Are we excited to be in an apartment?" (you see where this goes).

This is a very sad statement, but I agree with her. She's sad, lonely (my Dad passed in 2006 - this is a very old thread), about to turn 82....

but selling her house and getting an apartment will not suddenly make her have friends, make her happy, and so on... We just moved into an apartment and yes it is a transition for us - not a solution - but we've had about 0.8 conversations, and all in an elevator.

Still - I DO get it. She IS sad, and lonely - and misses dad - it's almost been a decade.

I have nothing to say, nothing to fix. It won't get better.

And she is searching for solutions - when none are there.

05/09/16 8:40pm


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## Seeker

btw - my mom has NEVER made friends, of any lasting quality, for her it has always been about family.


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## Seeker

It's August 25 my moms 82nd birthday. She's gone downhill since May, but is looking forward to pad Thai tomorrow.

Still I'm drinking too much wine tonight. Mom and spouse are in bed.


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## ceresone

Thank You, Dan, for everything....


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## Grandmotherbear

Thank you Seeker for caretaking this "long running script " as my computer might have called it.
It's been 7 months since my "mother" died. She had done everything she could to make the financials easy. We still wound up paying her lawyer to "open and close" her estate. I wonder how people cope when disorganized relatives pass on. Technically my mother never had an estate..but if she hadn't sold the house the summer before, she might have had have one.
I still have stress relating to her. I can't deal with stuff too long before I'm wracked with back pain or grinding my teeth so hard I fractured 2 in 2 months. Now I am starting to remember her expectations I would be in pain. "Beauty must suffer" she said as she yanked a hairbrush thru my always knotted up hair. My attempting to talk to her about the molestation perpetrated on me by her older brother, which MY older brother had to tell me about because I had buried that memory but my therapist was insisting I showed all the signs of a sex abuse victim. "Everyone has a funny uncle to tickle their butt- get over it". Her insistence that I had to stay with my alcoholic, wife beating ex. "Because it can't be as bad as my marriage to your father was".
I think I had internalized my mother's expectations that I would have pain. She did her work before she left us in junior high. I sought out an alcoholic who resembled my much younger dad. She set me up dozens of times to fail. After a while I just stopped expecting her to carry thru on anything she promised me. (For instance the time she agreed to go camping with me. She insisted she would bring the food. She even told me to my face I was not to bring any food. I bought groceries, just didn't tell her. We got to the state park and pitched a tent and my mother announced Here's dinner". She counted out 3 packs of peanut butter crackers. I Asked her where the rest of dinner was. There was no rest. No breakfast, lunch or dinner for the next day either. I was glad I had ignored her orders not to bring any food.
When she died it releaved a lot of my stress, but lessons drummed into me as a child or young adult remained. I was trained to suffer.I am sure that the worsening pain this month is related to her wanting me to have pain, maybe the same type of pain she had. To totally recover, be free of pain, I'll have to exorcise the pain demons she installed in me. That wilk take time. One step forward, one step back.


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## ceresone

Grandmotherbear, I think the world of you, and please dont hate me-- but you arent going to find peace till you forgive your Mother. Tell yourself she was a product of her generation. Earlier times were hard, and people were raised that way too. my mother insisted i get married at 14, because it cost so much to raise kids--and she had only wanted 4 chilren which she had before I came along. She even asked the doctor in 1937, if she had to have me. she often said she never smiled because there was nothing in this world to smile at. She was a product of her generation! They actually didnt know better--but you do, so convince yourself of what I told you, try to forgive her--the hate is only hurting you now--not her--and put it into a sealed compartment in your mind--and dont let it ruin your life anymore. Not easy to do--but i have had to do it with a child of my own


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## frogmammy

Back when they used curling irons heated on the stove to curl hair, every now and then the iron would slip and I'd get burnt and gramma would say, "Pretty hurts!" Same thing mom said when I'd wear horrible tight shoes, or my hair curlers were so tight my eyebrows were over my ears..."pretty hurts".

There are a LOT of mothers out there, it seems, who would gladly eat their young. I have never ever heard anyone stand up and say, "I want to be a bad mother"...it just happens. Maybe because of how they were raised, maybe because of the times or circumstances, and sometimes, even because it's genetic.

All that matters GMB is, YOU are a good person, YOU have impacted MANY lives, YOU have shown children, and adults, respect, compassion, and love, and you have SO much more to give. Let hatred die, that's her, not you.

Mon


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## Mish

Seeker, I'm wondering if your mother ever moved into an apartment? My mother in law moved into one of those senior only apartments after my father in law passed and it was the best thing she could have done. She went from a lonely life with no friends to being the treasurer for the apartment committee, running the Thursday movie nights, setting up a history book club and a bible study group, and I'm sure lots of other things that we aren't aware of. We have to give her several days' notice before we come visit from out of town because she is so busy. This is a woman who literally never had friends outside of family before her husband passed. She has a reason to get up every day, that she lost when her husband died 6 years ago. She'll be a spritely 83 this December, so almost exactly your mom's age...she loves her place and the friends she's made there. If your mom could find a place like that, it might make all the difference in the world.


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## Seeker

Mush, no, she's still in a house, though she often mentions moving into an apartment. I would love the scenario you describe, but I doubt it would happen in her case. 

She's an extreme introvert, and not very diplomatic. My brother Jeff finally got her to go to a bridge group, and the only thing I heard was how nasty one woman was. When pushed, she agreed it was nice, but then she repeated the nasty woman story yet again.


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## blueberry

As I've returned to this group, I happened upon this thread...my heart goes out to you Grandmother Bear and Seeker, and to all of you who have troubles. Maybe one day I can share my lament about aging but working in EMS taught me for too long to keep things to myself...

God bless all of you and please accept my prayers for you and yours <3


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## Michael W. Smith

And so it goes . . . . . . . .

Mother-In-Law is still in the "Memory Support" unit of local nursing home. Since she got moved out of the assisted living area - she has done as well as can be expected. 

The mini-strokes have left her unable to walk, so she now spends her days either lying bed or semi-reclining in a wheel chair. She is still "telling her stories" - anytime she is awake, she talks constantly. It sounds like she is reading from a book - a person with a halting, monotone voice.

My wife had gone in this week for her "in care" meeting. She has been renewed for Hospice for another 60 days - since the Hospice nurse has noticed a slight decline in her communication.

When my wife and I visit, you can still talk to her. She usually repeats what my wife has just told her - but it seems she still knows the people and places told to her. Sometimes she will have a lucid moment and say something all on her own that is relevant to the conversation going on - but for the most part she just listens and repeats what was just said.

We are quite surprised she is still alive. After the mini-strokes, she declined quite a bit and we figured it couldn't be long. We just wonder how much longer.

The one lady - who used to be in with her in the assisted living - and constantly walked around, is in the same unit with her. She just lays - reclined in a chair or in bed. Usually doesn't open her eyes - just lays there with little movement. But she is there at the table being fed - she opens her mouth when she feels the spoon against her lips and then chews and swallows once the food is in. 

We hope and pray M-I-L doesn't last into that stage of the dementia. 

It's all so very sad. 

You see the great strides there has been in health care over the years. Cures for what used to be former deadly diseases or ailments. People living longer with the great strides in medical research.

But along with the great strides, and people living longer - I look around in the unit my M-I-L is in - and wonder if it's really worth it. Yes, people live longer - but does the QUANTITY of life make up for the limited QUALITY of life?

Would it be better to die at age 70, than live to be 89 - and spending the last 19 years slowly declining in the nursing home - in the later stages, perhaps just existing - a body still alive - but totally dependent on someone else for nutrition, cleanliness, and everything?

And so it goes . . . . . . . . . . . . .


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## ceresone

It was hard, to listen to the Dr, the last time my Husband ws in the hospital--he was dehydrated, and had a blood infection. Dr asked if i wanted him treated, and, astonished, i told him of course. later, our Dr took me aside, and told me they could treat anything that went wrong with him, as in this case--but it was really better not to. so hard to hear--but a week later, I understood--and lost him


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## Grandmotherbear

Michael- My experience as a Hospice nurse was that nursing home patients tended to live longer- much longer-than home patients.
Dying is both a social/emotional and physical process. One doesn't proceed without the other. Home patients usually have a spouse- maybe a private for 8 hrs, rarely for 12 or 24 hours. Children usually visit intermittently for a weekend or so every 4 weeks or so. 
Compare to the patient in a nursing home. She has a spouse (maybe), children who visit a couple times a week, AND
2-3 shifts (depending on scheduling) of nurses
3 shifts of CNAs
Activity assistants interact even with the roombound several times a week
Usually they see the same dietary aides 3xdaily
Sometimes the family hires a private duty for 4, 6 or 8 hours 2-5 xweekly

Part of dying is withdrawing from your social ties. Who has more social ties to withdraw from in the above examples?

That's why people take longer to die in nursing homes.

We have a Finnish nursing home near us. Altho open to all the vast majority of patients are Finnish and are followed by Finnish doctors. We don't see the same types of patients in the Finnish home. There aren't any diabetics or pVD patients with amputations. You don't see as many stroke or dementia patients who are warm breathing bodies tethered to feeding tubes which are the only thing keeping them alive. I really think their culture does more to preserve their dignity by not striving to keep every body from stopping its function. They respect the person inside the body far more than American medicine seems to, in my opinion. Oddly enough, the patients themselves are usually nonagenarians or centarions, and usually more active mental and physically than patients in traditional American nursing homes. My experience, anyway.


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## Michael W. Smith

Well, it would appear we are coming to the end of my Mother-In-Law's journey.

My wife was called this morning that last night, Mother-In-Law had thrown up and was later crying and appearing she was in pain. She was given some pain medication, and now this morning has been unresponsive.

It appears she aspirated when she vomited, and she now has aspiration pneumonia as is now running a temperature. Her lungs are full of fluid. My wife & her brother have both decided not to treat with antibiotics - as it's only postponing the inevitable.

I went up at lunch time, and even though she has had no more pain medication since last night, she is still unresponsive. Her breathing is somewhat labored, but nothing as wouldn't be expected.

She is of course, unable to accept food or water - so it's now a matter of time - most likely days, not weeks.


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## DryHeat

My 98-yo MIL, whose situation I described in an earlier post, passed a bit over a month ago. She had taken a further step downwards over the summer, a UTI combined with pneumonia which left her needing a constant O2 feed 24/7. Along with an intensifying anxiety and confusion associated with her dementia, calling out for "help" frequently day and night then not being able to verbalize any treatable problem, she was defined as in hospice care, too. She was in a very nice assisted care (24/7 attention) facility with my wife and myself living maybe five miles away; DW actually took her in her chair with O2 tube to a nearby casino she loved a few days before she passed and thought she was maybe rallying some. Unfortunately, she couldn't be persuaded to eat and drink adequately and went into a rapid decline, with increasing morphine doses provided to avoid any pain adding to the confused agitation. She became rather quiet then, but simply lay there becoming more dehydrated and slipping away with my wife and occasionally myself by her side. DW and myself were, and are, continuously thankful she never took a bone-fracturing fall, nor had any strokes. She had an occasional "good" day right up to the last. Also fortunately, I think, there was never any severe condition that required feeding tubes or respirators (other than the O2 feed); we were fairly determined not to fall into the situation of having a comatose relative who would just lie in a bed for years being maintained like that. She had always said "NO FUNERAL or memorial!! Just have a nice party for everyone who knew me and have a good time with each other." That's what we did.


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## Michael W. Smith

Well . . . . . Mother-In-Law went quickly. 

My wife and her brother were with her all afternoon and my wife came home to let the dog out around 4:00, and then went back in. Our son got finished with college classes, and went in to visit by 5:00, so my Brother-In-Law decided to leave at 6:00.

I finished my day at work, and then had a meeting to go to. Around 7:30, my wife noticed a very different change in her Mother's breathing and tried to call me / text me. I never felt my phone vibrate. My wife sent our son outside to try to call me again and she noticed her Mother had quit breathing. My wife got a nurse who came to take a pulse, and she was declared dead at 8:10.

My son came and got me at the meeting and we drove back to the nursing home.

The undertaker was called and once he got there, I helped him get her onto his gurney.

My wife's brother lives an 1 1/2 hours away, so he didn't get a chance to even attempt to get back.

I praise God that she went quickly and didn't linger, but none of us imagined she would go this fast.

This ends my wife's Mother's journey. She was the last living parent - both our parents and Grandparents are now gone. My wife has joined the "orphans" club with me.

But life continues . . . and that leaves many of you with your own loved one's struggles. Good luck to each of you, and know that you are not alone in this.

. . . . . . . and so it continues . . . . . . . . .


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## ceresone

Thank You, Michael, for allowing us into your journey


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## MoBookworm1957

Michael,
heartfelt sympathy.
She's at peace,not suffering anymore.


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## Alder

My sympathies to your wife and yourself. 

My Alzheimer's mom passed back in May, and it was fast and uncomplicated, a true blessing considering what could have been a lingering slow slide. Even though she really hadn't been able to respond much for a couple of years, she was still always there to talk TOO...and now she's not - which is unexpectedly hard.

May you both find your peace, and some well earned REST!


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## tiffnzacsmom

Sorry Mike, but glad she can be at peace.


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## Grandmotherbear

My heart is with you, Michael and dryheat.


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## TxHorseMom

I am so sorry. My deepest condolences to you and your family.


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## Seeker

Michael - none of this is ever easy, yet it falls upon all of us at some point.

Blessings to you.


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## ceresone

Please, make this into a book--it is a journey into the end of life from every perspective, and would help so many--Iwould be in line for a copy, or 3 or 4


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## Seeker

I may compile this, but it would be an ebook - the publishing world has changed significantly in the last decade.


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## Michael W. Smith

You can freely use my information Seeker if you ever write a book.

I had another death in the family yesterday. I got a call from the nursing home that my 71 year old Uncle passed away suddenly yesterday morning. He just suddenly collapsed and then quit breathing 5 minutes later.

I'm glad he went that way. He has been a lifelong smoker (was smoking yesterday when he collapsed) - even though he has COPD - and a month ago during a scan they found several "spots" on his lungs. He was to have gone Friday to have a biopsy.

Chances are the spots were cancer - and I wasn't looking forward to having him die a possibly slow, agonizing death from lung cancer.

I was at the funeral home last night to get his obituary written and take care of the paperwork of having him cremated.


Between my Mother's death from lung cancer when I was 22, my Grandmother's death later that year, my Dad's new wife's death (I won't say step-mother) about 11 years ago, my other Grandmother's death, my Dad's death 8 years ago, my Father-In-Law's death, and my Mother-In-Laws death a month ago, and now my Uncle's death yesterday - I was present at 3 of the death's.

My Grandmother was the first person I actually witnessed die. The nursing home had called me and said she wasn't doing very well. I went in and I was the only one there in the room with her when she passed.

I was at my Father's bedside along with my siblings and step-siblings when he died.

I was at my Father-In-Law's bedside along with my wife when he died.

I've pretty much become a "pro" at dealing with death - and it's just another part of life.

If I had to do it over again, I would have written down each person's story as they progressed down the road to death - along with my feelings. Much of it is now just a blur - between hospital visits and the ups and downs of the general decline in health. 

At my age of 49 now, I have 2 remaining Uncles left and 2 Aunts left.

Once they are gone, it will be down to me or my 3 siblings on who goes after that.


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## Jan in CO

Michael, my condolences for the loss of your MIL and uncle. With my Mama at 95, our last living parent, I know the time is coming. She's pretty vibrant, except for breaking a disk in her back this year and now having a raging case of upper respiratory infection which has taken a toll on her. I miss my FIL and MIL dearly, they were so good to me and my children.


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## Seeker

Michael - it's about legacy. They want and deserve to be remembered. Writing about their demise is important, but it is also about their life that is important. Just as I did chronicle my father's demise (here, first...), I also wrote a eulogy that emphasized what he accomplished.

http://www.woodsrest.com/2006/danadavis.htm

So, I sympathise, and wish you the best on this journey - that of lamenting those who pass before us, whether older, or younger.


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## Seeker

An original gawp - written "write" now.

I'm in New Zealand. How cool is that? I've been here since Dec 3, and returning Feb 14. Great time, wonderful bits, and I fulfilled my "whoever wins the election - I'm leaving the country." 

I can't express the joy I've had in traveling with my spouse, Jan. We're partners, we've "died" from a previous life, and now we are experiencing a new life.

Still - a lament for aging parents. 

I bought a special plan to get a new sim for my phone. For only one reason. To call my Mom. She's 82 going on 83, she doesn't hear well, but a call from me 2-3 times a week brightens her day.

And that's important. that's supremely important - because she has little else beyond a McDonalds sausage biscuit in the morning, a nap, and Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune in the evening.

Worlds get small. It's my duty to invade the small world and make it a bit larger - a remembrance of times past and an exploration of what we are doing right now - she keeps asking what we are doing and are we having a good time.

Virtual experiences do help. I will do what I can to make her part of it. Even if just 2-3 times a week on a 4 minute phone call.


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## Solar Geek

Seeker said:


> An original gawp - written "write" now.
> 
> I'm in New Zealand. How cool is that? I've been here since Dec 3, and returning Feb 14. Great time, wonderful bits, and I fulfilled my "whoever wins the election - I'm leaving the country."
> 
> I can't express the joy I've had in traveling with my spouse, Jan. We're partners, we've "died" from a previous life, and now we are experiencing a new life.
> 
> Still - a lament for aging parents.
> 
> I bought a special plan to get a new sim for my phone. For only one reason. To call my Mom. She's 82 going on 83, she doesn't hear well, but a call from me 2-3 times a week brightens her day.
> 
> And that's important. that's supremely important - because she has little else beyond a McDonalds sausage biscuit in the morning, a nap, and Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune in the evening.
> 
> Worlds get small. It's my duty to invade the small world and make it a bit larger - a remembrance of times past and an exploration of what we are doing right now - she keeps asking what we are doing and are we having a good time.
> 
> Virtual experiences do help. I will do what I can to make her part of it. Even if just 2-3 times a week on a 4 minute phone call.


I agree wholeheartedly with what you have said and commend you for your faithfulness.


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## Grandmotherbear

That was a beautiful and wonderful tribute from you to your father, Seeker. 
Hope you and your dw are enjoying New Zealand. From what I've seen in pix it looks like heaven on earth.


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## Seeker

New Zealand was wonderful. We got back on Valentines Day.

Since then, it has been tough. Visited my Mom for 2 weeks, got out for a week for a respite, now are going back to put things in place.

Her car keys are going away - a big deal as she likes to "get away" from the house. Makes sense, but time to end.

She says she will go live with my brother Jeff, but then forgets that and wants her keys back.

This is not easy.


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## Seeker

Working for connections with my mom. We sold her car and my brother is trying to sell her house. She's staying with him at this time.

Her hearing is disappearing, as is short term memory. Yesterday, I tried to talk to her on the phone, and unless it was a well known litany like "love you", she barely understood anything I said.

I had headphones delivered, and a tablet delivered so she could skype, and thus read my lips.

But she doesn't seem to remember what skype truly is right now, so jeff is initiating calls while we try to retrain her.

Sigh.


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## Declan

My philosophy when dealing with old folks, especially relatives, is simple--do what you have to do to get through the minute, the hour, the day. The rest is out of your hands.


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## Seeker

This morning, 06/10/2017, at 2:30 a.m, my mother, Marjorie Davis, passed away in Orlando, Florida.

And yes a set of laments about the dying process, as well as commentary on our health care system, at least in Orlando, is likely to follow at some point.


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## Teej

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Jlynnp

So sorry for your loss.


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## kalmara

condolences on your loss


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## Grandmotherbear

My heart is with you in your loss. Nothing really ever prepares you for becoming an orphan.
We are a species that as infants and children, physically need parents (or those who act as parents) for our survival. Losing a last parent is so much more than losing a parent- its the child within becoming aware that without A Parent, our survival is severely threatened also.
Please be tender with each other and careful not to overdo. Grief is worsened by exhaustion.


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## Seeker

Grandmotherbear said:


> My heart is with you in your loss. Nothing really ever prepares you for becoming an orphan.
> We are a species that as infants and children, physically need parents (or those who act as parents) for our survival. Losing a last parent is so much more than losing a parent- its the child within becoming aware that without A Parent, our survival is severely threatened also.
> Please be tender with each other and careful not to overdo. Grief is worsened by exhaustion.


You understand this so well.

We are exhausted. I'm sleeping at such odd times, and I know it will change, but not yet.

And I am indeed orphaned, a hard thing to grasp at 60. I just wrote about an event that occurred the day before Father's Day, where I saw myself "bracketed between two empty generations", as Jan and I also wrote a book called "Infertility's Anguish".

But that's a different lament, isn't it.


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## Seeker

Lost, and Found

Walking about Gezer Park in Leawood, Kansas on the day before Father’s Day, I was catching Pokémon while gathering Pokéballs at Pokéstops. This game was my way to walk, but today, it was my way to escape, to lose myself in thought.

This week has been tough. I lost my mother last Saturday, after a month of frantic back and forth between Kansas and a Florida hospital, doing what little I could to help her recover. We buried her on Tuesday, just four days ago, in Bushnell, Florida, together again with my father.

The days have been a blur. Trying to catch up on previous month’s business, avoiding but beginning a new role as my mother’s executor, closing the blinds and asking the TV to remain silent as I sit and also stay silent, warring with my emotions as I contemplate this new certainty.

So, I escaped to Gezer Park. On this Saturday, I expected to see fathers taking their children to the park playground. I admire this park – it has walk paths, shallow streams flowing toward a fountain, picnic tables, and benches to sit or play upon. And, for me, Pokémon Go opportunity.

Still, the father with children bit almost kept me away – though I desired to participate; to bring my never found daughter to this wonderful place.

Instead, oppressive heat kept most away. Mine was one of only three cars in the parking area. Gezer Park was large enough to hide whoever owned the other two.

And so, my standard walk began. My escape.

Optimizing spinning of Pokéstops, gathering items for the game. Something to do.

I captured a Charmander Pokémon. I’d walked so far to collect Charmander candy – but with a game promotion this week, Charmanders were aplenty.

Just as there were usually children aplenty in the park. The full level of dread of this week enveloped me. It wasn’t just my Mom’s passing.

Father’s Day was indeed tomorrow. I always dread the day. Jan and I spent years trying to have children, but the next generation, for us, was lost.

And now the previous generation was lost as well. My Mom was our last parent, she had joined the other three.

Jan and I were now alone, bracketed between empty generations.

Growliths, Swinubs, and Mankeys begged to be caught, but I questioned my decision to come to Gezer Park this day. Heat advisories decorated my phone’s weather app, and the cap to protect my sparse hair did not help much.

Finishing the first of usually two walks around the park, my world became surreal.

Wet spots dotted my shirt as I wiped sweat from my brow. The parking lot reappeared, as it always did, when I walked between the picnic tables and bathrooms.

Only one car was in the lot. Mine. It was alone, as I was.

I turned toward the tables and playground, always a source of game items and capturable creatures. Also, usually a source of concerned stares, directed toward a man alone, walking into and out of a playground, without a child to accompany him.

But on this day before Father’s Day, the playground was eerily empty. Heat explained one reason why. I realized I was foolish to be here, under the oppressive sun, so after gathering my required items, I retired to one of the covered picnic tables to achieve shade, and to decide not to do my second walk.

The shade provided some solace, but the distraction of Pokémon Go was not available here, so my mind revisited recent and long-term losses.

I was grateful to have full possession of an empty park, but it emphasized how very alone I felt, and how alone the future felt, with only myself and Jan, an empty past generation, and no hope of ever bringing a child to play in this park, or to have her give me a tie on Father’s Day.

Suddenly, my eyes fell upon something left behind.

I rose, crossed the distance of the wooden picnic table, and contemplated the object. Between the metal bolts joining the table to the legs, precisely centered between those eight bolts, meticulously placed, even measurable, were two pennies, one placed atop the other.

I picked them up and examined them. They had been intentionally left. My eyes glanced around, though I knew no one was here. Neither penny was new, and both had the dull copper color associated with older coins. One was a wheat mark penny, which I found fascinating, as one rarely sees such anymore.

It was so hot. I would catch Pokémon another day. Rather than do my second walk, I’d sit on the bench near the water feature, cast the pennies into the shallow water, and then leave the empty park.

The short walk from the picnic table to the bench took me past my lonely car.

I approached the bench, but found I could not sit.

The bench seat was adorned with flowers.

This is a park, with walk paths, trees, grape vines, water features, and wild flowers scattered here and there.

Someone had gathered wild flowers, grouped them, and meticulously placed ten tiny bundles between the slats of that wooden bench seat.

Grouped by color or type, I observed tiny wisps of purple, red, or white, attached to stems of green. Tiny colors in flowerful bunches, carefully placed among and upon that bench seat.

It seemed an odd memorial garden. The flowers were not laid flat upon the bench. Each bunch was arranged as if they were in an invisible flower vase, magically supported. As I think upon it, I should have examined more carefully how she had managed this beautiful feat. Were the wildflowers tied together with string? How was each tiny bunch so properly presented?

Having fallen into a sense of surreal, I cannot answer such questions. All I can recall is the flowers looked fresh, even given the wilting heat of the day. Ten bunches of small colorful flowers adorned that bench seat, with a view of the fountain behind it.

The two pennies? I placed them within the flowers, one meticulously atop the other.

I left the park to its own self: an empty parking lot, a quiet playground, Pokémon cavorting throughout the park, a mysterious magical bench with a ten count of flower bundles, and two pennies, carefully, lovingly, placed among them.

Dan T. Davis
Father’s Day
June 18, 2017
Lost, and Found


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## DW

(((((HUGS)))))


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## Seeker

Thanks to all for the condolences. It's been 3 weeks, and I'm still trying to deal with this.


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## Michael W. Smith

So sorrow Seeker.

So, you have now joined the Orphan's club. I was only 41 when I was admitted.
I was 22 when my Mother died at the age of 47.
I was 41 when my Dad died at the age of 69.

It's odd when I hear people my age (and even much older than me) talking about their parents which are still alive.

Things will get easier for you with time.


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## vickinell

My dad died when I was 8. My mom and dad were divorced, so I don't have many memories of him. My mom died 6 years ago when I was 62. I miss her very much.

My husband died 18 years ago after 34 years of marriage. I almost forget how nice it was to have someone you could depend on and share life with, but mostly I am sad several of my grand kids and now my great grand kids, never got to know him and what a great grandfather he was. The older ones remember.


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## manfred

I've always taken good care of my children, even to the point it hurt me, 
I feel sure they won't take care of me when I need it and that's just the way I want it.


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## IndyDave

Seeker said:


> Thanks to all for the condolences. It's been 3 weeks, and I'm still trying to deal with this.


Stop. Take a deep breath. It will take a lot more than 3 weeks. Don't rush yourself as no good is to be found in cheating yourself out of the time you need. You haven't even had enough time to wrap your head around what has happened much less recover from it. I wish there were something I could say to make it better, but there isn't. All I can offer is to remind you that you are not alone and that it takes time. Hold to those you love and still have, take as much time as you need to work through the feelings you are now likely still overwhelmed with. Remember that you do not have to justify your feelings to anyone else. They are yours and it is your prerogative to feel however you do. Most likely you will have to deal with the sense of loss, just the shock that it happened, frustrations you have felt (and I would caution you against feeling guilty in the event you have unresolved frustrations to work through), and last but not least the discomfort which comes from suddenly becoming the senior family member. This last issue was the one that really blindsided me when I lost my dad in 2013 less than two months after my 40th birthday. Not only did that leave me with both parents gone, but also left me as the senior man in the family, which to my notion was a very strange feeling.

The best I can offer is to encourage you not to feel that you are alone. You have family and friends who care about you because they value you. You have others with whom you have become acquainted (as found throughout this thread) who have come to know you from a greater distance, but still value you. You have others yet who really don't know you but value you on account of your intrinsic value as a human life. That adds up to a pretty big list. Allow the thoughts and feelings you have flow freely. Cry every tear you feel like crying, smile every smile you feel when you remember better times, and laugh every laugh you feel when you remember those times which inspire it.

Be well,
Dave


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