# Woe is me, I hate my house. (Long)



## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

I'll start off by saying that I am grateful to have a home. I know there are many, many less fortunate people than myself. But that doesn't lessen my circumstance- and this may come across as whiny.

We bought this house in March of last year, while I was in Iraq. It needed a great deal of work, but my husband assured me that he could have it all done by the time I got home for good. Based on that, I gave him the go ahead. If I had known then what I know now, I would have never said ok.

A year and a half later, it is not done. Not all his fault- he was a stay at home dad with a 6 month old. Family would babysit for a week or so at a time while he traveled states away to work on the house, but it just ended up not being enough. So now, here I sit, in a half finished house. I am tired. The last 3-4 years have been rough on me, as far as living arrangements. My husband lived in Korea for a year, while I lived with family to save money. I lived in Kuwait the next year, in a tent. Then I was home, pregnant, and we had difficulties with our jobs (he got out, I went reserve), and we ended up moving literally 7 times in the 9 month pregnancy. Then, I jumped on a deployment and lived in Iraq in a 6 person box for a year. Came home to this "house" and I just can't stand it anymore. I am tired. I am pregnant with our second. I just want to live in a nice, pretty place, where there aren't infestations of flies, the AC and heater work right, there isn't unfinished drywall everywhere, etc etc.

I probably sound like such a spoiled brat, but I can't stand it. I cry and get depressed over this house.

I told him today that I just want to finish fixing it, then [try and] sell it immediately. Told him I would rather rent for the next two years until I finish nursing school, then we can buy our "dream house." He is vehemently against selling it.

-One, we/he has put a lot into this house. If we were just going to up and sell it, we wouldn't have special ordered the fancy trim for the doors. We wouldn't have put the fancy colored glass tiles in the kitchen- instead we would have opted for something more neutral. We wouldn't have completely re-built the upstairs, we would have just glossed over the old stuff and made it pretty.

-Two, we have 18 acres. May not seem like a lot to some of yall, but it's more than either of our families ever had combined. He feels strongly that land is something that once you have, you hold onto. He thinks that if/when we ever buy another house, we should keep this to one day give our children or just to have something to fall back on.

-Three, it has to be finished before we even try and sell it- so he asks "won't you like it then? Won't that be enough?"

My feelings are valid, in my opinion. However, he has really good points. I guess I feel like the "right?" thing to do would be to suck it up and drive on, stay in the house, and deal. But my weary emotions have had enough. I guess I am looking for opinions from you all on what you would do, since there are probably many of you who have been in similar positions, or at least have more experience in this world than I do. Thanks in advance for your insight.


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## luvrulz (Feb 3, 2005)

You are pregnant and that might be impacting your emotions, however, I am in the same kind of house (also in Kentucky.) And it makes me crazy. I am not pregnant.

But we are working on the farm and keeping the bills paid while we try to finish the house....I will love it dearly when it's done, however, I don't know if I will live that long. I'm 57.

In living on a farm and working on your house; know that you will never have everything checked off your list on any given day. There will always be projects, there will always be weeding to do, pciking to do, something to do. And there are always proverbial fires to put out. That won't change. So can you deal with the house and if you see that you're making a little progress, will that be enough? In my case, that's what I'm working for.

And think about the things you really like about the house you're in. Get yourself a slice of heaven somewhere on your acreage too and make it just like you want it - whether it's a craft room, a TV room, a hammock under a tree..... Finish one room at a time and make lists. Check off your lists and see what you're accomplishing... It just might work - and if you feel that you need to finish the house in order to sell it, do that and see how you feel about the house then. And all those fancy touches will add value to the price of the house, whether you sell it or keep it!


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## Sabrina67 (Mar 24, 2008)

We have been "working on" our house for 10 years. We are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, and I am so relieved. lol I understand how frustrating it can be too. We started with 7 kids in the middle of it all so it was hectic. I don't have any advice except I do think you will be happy if you can just hang on for a bit. Pregnancy and all the turmoil you have been through HAS to have you discouraged.


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## PaulNKS (Jan 11, 2009)

twomeal said:


> We bought this house in March of last year, while I was in Iraq. It needed a great deal of work, but my husband assured me that he could have it all done by the time I got home for good. Based on that, I gave him the go ahead. If I had known then what I know now, I would have never said ok.


I think it's great that you got the house AND 18 acres. No, it isn't a lot of land, but it is yours. You gave him the okay. I would think you would realize that it must have been a burden on him trying to work, take care of a family AND finish the house. So, you told him to go ahead. Life happens. Things get in the way.



> I am pregnant with our second.


Maybe it's just your pregnancy that is playing with your emotions?



> I probably sound like such a spoiled brat, but I can't stand it. I cry and get depressed over this house.


Then wait until the baby arrives, buck it up, and instead of crying and complaining, help your husband get it finished. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but just honest. I know it's difficult for you. But, don't you think it's just as hard on him, knowing you're unhappy and he may have contributed to that by not being able to get it finished when he thought he would?



> I told him today that I just want to finish fixing it, then [try and] sell it immediately. Told him I would rather rent for the next two years until I finish nursing school, then we can buy our "dream house." He is vehemently against selling it.


I think you're really confused right now. You previously stated how many times you've moved.. I think you said 7 times in 9 months, and with the various deployments, etc, you sound tired of moving. BUT.. now you want to move again to rent and then again when YOU find what YOU want. 



> -Two, we have 18 acres. May not seem like a lot to some of yall, but it's more than either of our families ever had combined. He feels strongly that land is something that once you have, you hold onto. He thinks that if/when we ever buy another house, we should keep this to one day give our children or just to have something to fall back on.


Maybe give it to them in a will, but he's right. They aren't making more land. Land prices continue to soar. EVEN if you do decide to sell it someday, wait until you have the one you want. By then, you could have made a killing on that 18 acres with a nicely finished home.



> -Three, it has to be finished before we even try and sell it- so he asks "won't you like it then? Won't that be enough?"


I have to agree.



> My feelings are valid, in my opinion.


ABSOLUTELY. But, you know that when a woman is pregnant, the emotions can be heck on those around her.

You are right, you do sound spoiled. It sounds like it should be your way or not at all since you want to sell and then rent and then buy later... when YOU are ready and when YOU find what YOU want. 

Think of your family and your children. They are much better off on 18 acres, than stuck in a rented house or apartment. You've already got the place, keep it. 

I feel sorry for your husband knowing how this is probably tearing him up inside with the way you feel. But, you know how us men are. We aren't always going to talk about our feelings or show them....

Maybe if you get involved and try to help improve things, it will improve your attitude and emotional state. Remember, your not not just selling a house and land, your killing his dream.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, but when I sit here with an SO that has bad health and I have to do all the work with the problems I have, I have a hard time being sympathetic with someone that cries about things not being perfect.

At least wait until the baby arrives to make any decision. Don't kill your husband's dream.

Oh.. and sincerely.. Thank you for your service!


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

I can't imagine this not being done in ten years. That blows my mind.

As far as moving, no I really don't want to move, but I DO want to live in a nice house with no (or few) problems. The desire to live in a complete, finished, nice home trumps my disdain for moving.

You make some good points though. I can certainly be remiss and forget considering others feelings and focus solely on mine.


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## Jerngen (May 22, 2006)

((hugs))

I would focus on getting one room done asap. Focus on the room you spend the most time in. 
Then focus on the next room y'all use the most and get that one done asap. 

But I agree.... you are already customizing the house to your desires.... you have to finish it before you can sell it, at which point why would you sell it? 

Just focus on getting the primary rooms done asap.


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## TNHermit (Jul 14, 2005)

Here is a builders perspective and a veteran. You have a dream. Every bus on the highway has taken aim to run over that dream. What with Iraq,Both of you in Miliatry pregnancies the whole nine yards. Its also one stage in that dream.

I think your husband is right in wanting to keep it. Like most, you had too high expectations and tore up what sounds like the whole place.

My advice would be to take one (1) or two (2)  rooms and fix those to completion. Forget the rest for the most part. Make them nice not perfect. More than likely It would be best if you took your bedroom and a bathroom. Concentrate on them. Make them nice. Make the bedroom a recluse to go to where it makes you feel good. Put an air conditioner in it, a stereo or whatever and you probably are going to keep the baby there for the first few. Keep those two rooms clean. Make them the focus. Bedrooms and baths are not that hard to fix up. Baths a little more. Make them nice not perfect because when you are done you will have learned so much you will want to redo them again  Spend time in the "nice" room when your talking,, not around all the death and destruction  Maybe even eat a meal together in the nice room. It will help you surround yourself with possibilities again
IN other words bring your focus in and expand out. What with living in the fields and tents and so on its like your on a 24/7 camping trip. Your perspective and the possibilities of the dream have been lost. Take a deep breath suck the dream in to a point you can handle and go from there. As time goes by other things will get finished and the dream will grow into what you thought it would just like your children grow


I see Jerngen posted while I was writing. But you hav etwo that agree and maybe others. Good luck


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## Peacock (Apr 12, 2006)

I completely understand. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. I hate my house, too.

Mine doesn't sound nearly as rough as yours, but there are umptyzillion projects that need to be done and no time and no energy and no money. 

We have a full bathroom DH has been remodeling for FOUR YEARS. Not because it's a particularly tricky job - gutting and re-doing - I swear he's putting it off just to spite me because the more we say "we really wish we had another bathroom" the less he wants to finish it. But that's another issue. 

I could run off a long list of projects that need done before the house is cozy comfy and pretty. We never can have guests over because it's not good enough (in DH's eyes, not mine, I think our friends don't care so much but that's also another issue).

We only have 1.5 acres but we also live in a sub-rural area (that's a shade more rural than suburban, LOL) where land isn't exactly cheap - it's a nice place *in theory* but like you sometimes I just wish we could live in a nice pretty subdivision house where everything works! And where all I have to worry about is keeping it clean!

My advice? Give yourself and DH a break. You've been working so hard! It doesn't have to be finished *today* or even next year. As the kids grow older you will have more time, and they might even help, which lessens the burden considerably. 

Also - I advise you to get one room completely done at a time if you can - make it nice and comfy so that when you get stressed out at the rest of the house you can hang out in the finished, pretty one and feel like you're making real progress. Either the kitchen or your bedroom!

I can't tell you whether or not you should keep the land and house or sell it -- and YES you can sell it without it being done, some people *want* fixer-uppers, after all, you did! Your husband should understand that even if you do keep it for now you might not keep it forever - situations change, your goals change - you might even move to a different state at some point, who knows? It's okay to change your mind. 

Another thought - is there a way to move into an apartment while working on the house? That way you'll feel comfortable, and the work might even get done quicker without your having to live amid all the mess. 

And yet another thought - is there a way to hire someone else to help expedite the remodeling process? My DH is so stubborn about this - I had to move heaven & earth to get him to let me hire a guy with a bobcat to level our pool area 4 years ago - if we didn't that pool would still be in a box in our garage. I really want help with the bathroom - but he is so devoted to DIY he absolutely refuses. But time and frustration is worth money too, no?

Good luck!!!!


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## kasilofhome (Feb 10, 2005)

Thank you and your husband for your service. Now, you are not a brat. It is not what you want now but there is a hope but you have had it hard --both of you. Come here to HT and vent get support and ideas. What about looking for help from a local VFW or American Leg. for a building party to get extra man/lady power. Think about it.


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

Feelings are based on thoughts. You can't have a feeling without a thought first. In my humble, been there done that got the t shirt opinion, you aren't thinking straight.

When you have a house, you are NEVER finished. Maybe more finished than what you have now, but NEVER finished. We built our house in 1979. Still have a list. Have changed many things over the years. Still have plans.

Your husband is right about the land, according to my family's belief system. Keep land. God's not making any more of it.

Make a list of what needs to be done on the house. Prioritize. Get going on the check list. Give yourself a couple of years to get most of it done. 

Talk to your doctor about your depression.


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

Adding a thought.... I must admit I have a problem with women who say, "My husband has been doing this remodeling and won't finish it." YOU finish it. I've done WAY more plumbing painting, remodeling than hubby. You CAN do it. Just start.


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

I would not make any big decisions right now. Having a home on 18 acres is going to be really nice, especially as your children get bigger. My advice is to enjoy the process. Remodeling and building a home can be a lot of fun and you will learn so much.

I would love to see photos and maybe you can start a thread showing us what you are doing and keep updating it over time. You will be amazed when you look back and see what you have accomplished together. Cale and I built our own house from cutting the logs and doing every other single thing, we had four kids while we were doing it. So I know it can be really, really hard. But I look back and wouldn't have missed the experience for anything.


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## Peacock (Apr 12, 2006)

Alice In TX/MO said:


> Adding a thought.... I must admit I have a problem with women who say, "My husband has been doing this remodeling and won't finish it." YOU finish it. I've done WAY more plumbing painting, remodeling than hubby. You CAN do it. Just start.


You might be referring to what I said, too -- so let me explain why I can't.

My DH is a wonderful man in many respects. He is very reliable, hard-working and loves us dearly. But he is also *impossible* to reason with on many things and the projects he is working on are included. Take the bathroom renovation for example. If I even hinted that I wanted to go in there and, say, put down the flooring, he would go ballistic. That is HIS project and if it doesn't get done for the next ten years it will still be HIS project.

He will not LET me do anything even as minor as hanging up a picture. I have tried and even if I do it perfectly, somehow I have done it wrong and he will actually take it out and re-do it. Yes, he will. In fact recently he got mad at me because he thought I had put a nail into the wall *at my shop* to hang a picture and I argued that he had put it there - not me - sheesh, why does it matter? 

I am allowed to paint.

So I paint.

Paint does help.

Recently my privileges have been expanded and now I am also allowed to patch cracks in the wall before I paint over them. Yippee!


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

Peacock said:


> You might be referring to what I said, too -- so let me explain why I can't.
> 
> My DH is a wonderful man in many respects. He is very reliable, hard-working and loves us dearly. But he is also *impossible* to reason with on many things and the projects he is working on are included. Take the bathroom renovation for example. If I even hinted that I wanted to go in there and, say, put down the flooring, he would go ballistic. That is HIS project and if it doesn't get done for the next ten years it will still be HIS project.
> 
> ...


Well if you do it and he thinks it is wrong, does he IMMEDIATELY try to fix it??? I am thinking I would be in that bathroom renovating and then he can fix it all he wants... lol :thumb:


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## GammyAnnie (Jun 2, 2011)

Get the AC fixed first, you will probably feel a LOT better if you are not so hot while being pregnant...maybe once you have a cool place to be other things about the house will look better to you!

Annie


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

Yep.
I hate my house too.
It was ok when we bought it. Just fine except for the disgusting bathroom so small that you could lay your head on the tub while on the toilet and still drape your arm over the sink.

Fast forward 4 years... there is one room on the house that isn't in the middle of some kind of construction/destruction. one room!! And it is my father's room so I can't even enjoy it!
I have drywall in the living room and tv room and one bedroom with the baseboards stacked in the corners. The bathroom torn out and new tile laid but that is it.
The kitchen is torn apart. The bedroom wall is torn apart. The laundry room (temp. bathroom) is torn apart with just studs and insulation. Oh.. I could go on and on and on.


We toy with selling it when it is done, but I am adamant!!! I WILL live in it and enjoy what it is like to have 4 walls in every room and decent floors and the paint colors that I want adn the yard cleaned up and the flower beds pretty.
I swear I'll kill somebody if I don't get to live in a nice house.
I mean it.
They say that carpenters live in the most torn apart houses imanginable and I now believe it. sigh...


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## Dusky Beauty (Jan 4, 2012)

Twomeal, 
I know the house is making you crazy, but I kind of have to agree with your husband. Such as it is, that place and that land is YOURS and it's been a labor of love for him to build it for YOU (in his mind.) 
I don't think you'd really get a better deal on renting, and financing is a bear now. 

First off, you need a "happy room" (or two). You need a space that is totally finished to your satisfaction-- that should probably be your bedroom so you don't wake up in the morning annoyed. 
Is working on the yard possible? Would putting in a garden (or improving the one you've got) or putting in trees or a gorgeous chicken coop do anything for your mood and impression of the place? 

Is the problem having enough time and labor to go around and you've got materials sitting around waiting to be done? or is it that you don't have the money to buy all the parts you need to finish it? 
The amish have a solution for this-- it's called a "work party". If you have the stuff there, would it be possible to invite your church, your friends, your family, and have them knock out as much work as possible. It may take more than one party. Provide refreshments and childcare. 

I hate my house (but rent, the "things breaking all the time" situation is wearing on me badly) But my back yard is my sanctuary outdoors. I can sit on my covered porch and watch my ducks and geese frolic in their pool, and watch my beloved cow scratching her head on the mequite tree... or slip my feet into the swimming pool (dump of a house... 10,000$ in ground swimming pool...)


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## Peacock (Apr 12, 2006)

I have a rule now. Despite the pressure to do otherwise, I REFUSE to purchase or even accept for free anything that is broken or needs work.

This includes houses. And furniture. And appliances. And cars. No more! Never again! If it ain't the way I want it NOW, I don't want it. 

I just wish I could go back and put that rule into place retroactively!

And no, Melissa, I would never get that far in the first place. If I even open up the bathroom door, he makes me wish I hadn't.


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

Well.... at least I'm not the only one. Misery sure does love company. 

Good ideas and thoughts from everyone. It's much appreciated.


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## KentuckyDreamer (Jan 20, 2012)

Twomeal,
I got exhausted just reading all of the changes your little family has been through in the past few years....I cannot imagine the stress your bodies and emotions have endured. I'm sure you know "research" shows it is the low but CHRONIC stress that takes the biggest tole. 

I'm with luvrulz. Make a place just for you. Then journal, cry, talk to us...whatever it takes. You and I both know this is going to pass, please do not allow the stress of things beyond your control take away the joy of being with your baby and your husband.


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

Yes, we have allllllllll these materials just sitting around. I mean, almost everything we "need" to really get the house done up real nice.

As far as the yard, that's something that irks me to no end. We have a [sort of crappy] riding mower and a weedeater, so the front lawn and back area get done ok. But we have all this pastureland that is totally overgrown, and I can't afford a tractor or bushhog, or even to pay a guy to come do it right now. A neighbor lady has offered me cuts off of her many flowers, and I'd love to take her up on it, but I feel so overwhelmed with the rest of the house right now. We didn't get our garden planted either. I feel that I can't spare the time to work on the outdoors until what I face everyday indoors is livable.

I'm trying to make a list of priorities- there is just so much to be done that I don't know where to begin.


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## PaulNKS (Jan 11, 2009)

twomeal said:


> As far as the yard, that's something that irks me to no end. We have a [sort of crappy] riding mower and a weedeater, so the front lawn and back area get done ok. But we have all this pastureland that is totally overgrown, and I can't afford a tractor or bushhog, or even to pay a guy to come do it right now. A neighbor lady has offered me cuts off of her many flowers, and I'd love to take her up on it, but I feel so overwhelmed with the rest of the house right now. We didn't get our garden planted either. I feel that I can't spare the time to work on the outdoors until what I face everyday indoors is livable.
> 
> I'm trying to make a list of priorities- there is just so much to be done that I don't know where to begin.


Pastures are meant to grow. That is how you feed animals. If you want it to be mown, you might find someone that can mow it for you, but it will cost. 

If you have all those materials, what is stopping you from picking up a hammer, or a paint brush, etc. I think you would feel much better, if you started trying to get some of the work done. Even if it's just a little minor thing or two. ANY accomplishment at all, in my opinion, will help you to feel better. 

Is there any reason you can't go ahead and plant a garden? It's not too late. Working in the garden always improves my attitude about everything. It's a therapy for me. Actually, any little accomplishment I make, improves my outlook. 

Is your husband currently working on any of it? Is there anything you can do to help?


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## romysbaskets (Aug 29, 2009)

When I attended my 10 year high school reunion 20 years ago, I did not have the heart to tell them back then how may times I had moved..at that point..30 plus times since graduation! They had that question for fun and at that point..well it was not funny! I wanted roots, I grew up with roots being a primary driving force. Life happened and moving I did... When I found my rolling stone hubby, a moving we did some more. I will not even go to the numbers after that! It would amaze you and surprise most. I am the rolling stone of my class but I am finally home! I will be 49 this year and have raised two girls, have a grandson and two teen aged young men who are here still being raised. This was not my dream home but absolutely my dream view! It has a view that would make you sigh...but the home...a country style rustic home I dearly love with many needs and a wood interior like a small lodge..... We are taking those needs one at a time. After having this home for 6 years, I can not envision moving ever again! Yet there is work to be done everywhere my eyes go! We have gotten ourselves to the realization it will be one room at a time as others have said. Our master bath off a wide open bedroom with no doors...is quite lovely and rustic..no need to change a thing. Were the ability there, I would begin by closing in our bedroom. UP my stairs from the first floor is my bedroom...no door but a wonderfully sized room. That space needs a new carpet or if I get my wish someday, wooden floors. My hubby has an office off our open bedroom which has a wide doorway, again no door. We could put in french doors someday. Everything will cost money and we must go slowly. Our backyard has a huge deck which needs finished again that is this summer. Hubby will put on a finish this time to last years. He knows he is facing a new deck in the next 5 or so years! He will build it himself from necessity due to the cost alone. Our entire kitchen set of appliances need replaced as only the stove is modern....the rest is very tired... However I love my home. I accept the challenges to make this pearl shine and know it will take time, money and hard work. We can do it...I accept that this home has a charm all her own and I look out over my view and know...I am home..it is enough for now! I rented throughout my youth and at this time in my life....I want to hold onto and love my home..it became a part of me the day we moved in!

After all the moving, the tears of joy coming home to your spouse...your family being back together and the realization that you are home...make it yours! Time later to decide on the permanence of your stay but learn to love where you are one room at a time! As for your acreage..create as was said a special place to go. Little ones get bigger and then their little hands can help!


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## Dusky Beauty (Jan 4, 2012)

twomeal said:


> Yes, we have allllllllll these materials just sitting around. I mean, almost everything we "need" to really get the house done up real nice.
> 
> As far as the yard, that's something that irks me to no end. We have a [sort of crappy] riding mower and a weedeater, so the front lawn and back area get done ok. But we have all this pastureland that is totally overgrown, and I can't afford a tractor or bushhog, or even to pay a guy to come do it right now. A neighbor lady has offered me cuts off of her many flowers, and I'd love to take her up on it, but I feel so overwhelmed with the rest of the house right now. We didn't get our garden planted either. I feel that I can't spare the time to work on the outdoors until what I face everyday indoors is livable.
> 
> I'm trying to make a list of priorities- there is just so much to be done that I don't know where to begin.


Alright, here is an idea--- if your fences are good, RENT your pasture to someone with horses, cows, goats or sheep to get the overgrowth under control-- that done, put whatever pasture rent you get into working on whatever will please you-- building a pretty garden shed, putting in an orchard... buying a one room air conditioner.. paying a landscaper to get the yard off on the right foot... 

First impressions aren't just for visitors. Your happiness will stem from YOUR first impressions of your home every time you see it. 
If I was living as you do, I would seriously whip my bedroom up to standard so I could relax at night, and wake up happy in the morning... then get the yard up to standards so the despondency doesn't wash over you when you arrive home from being out. 

Avoid magazines like "sunset" and "better homes"... the features there are clearly created by people that have too much money and too much time to throw at the project and is depressing and unrealistic. 
If you want inspiration, browse pinterest instead-- SMALL beautifying projects are key. 

Since you have the materials but just need the help, I think the work party could be a boon, if you are members at a church-- start talking about it. 
Look to the Amish example and make it a big social occasion. 
Contests... prizes... potluck, desserts.. you can even have a "coop raising" competition if chickens are on your list of things to have someday. Maybe planning it as a party (with hubby) would be a lot more fun for you than figuring out what work to do?


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## Scott SW Ohio (Sep 20, 2003)

Maybe it would help you to know that things could be worse. I have bought, moved into, renovated and sold six houses in the 21 years of our marriage, and we are in number seven now. Many of these were extensive rebuilds (like yours). I love a house most at the beginning, when it is a wreck. The more work we get done, the less interesting it is, and after pouring our heart and soul into a place, working like dogs every evening and every weekend and vacation day for an average of three years it is time to sell and find the next neglected house. The perfect added bathroom that we agonized over until the flash of inspiration came, the custom milled white oak flooring that capped off the tearout and rebuild of the termite-eaten twin parlor floors, the corner cabinet saved from a friend's basement and built into a dining room where it looked PERFECT - we never see them again.

But the good news is you didn't marry me! (Some other poor girl did, but that's another story). Your guy has put his shoulder into the ONE project. He is willing to see it through with you, do it right, and then live there with you for oodles of years, maybe forever, enjoying the place you have built together. The glass tiles you paid extra for because they were just right - still there to see and enjoy, on into the future. You only have to make your place perfect once. That sounds pretty easy (ask my wife). 

And all you have to do is stay the course, knock it out, and you're there.


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## Sabrina67 (Mar 24, 2008)

LOL! Yea, ten years IS a long time. But we are committed to doing this without going into debt. So it is a work in progress and we are making it just the way we like it. Sometimes looking at it in a new way helps too. Maybe write the good things down, and the bad things too. That way you can see it on paper.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

DH and I have moved something like 14 times in our 24 years together, and if I've learned one thing, from all the places we've lived, it's that whether your house is brand-new-built-for-you, or 100 years old, you're never "done".

Home ownership is about maintenance, if not refurbishment. Trust me, it won't matter if you buy a "new" house that looks "done" -- it's not. There will still be things that need to be done, are waiting to get done, and are EXPENSIVE to do. That's home ownership.

Your DH is right -- the land is what matters.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

I feel for you, but...It actually sounds like you could have the house you want when the work is all done.

The truth of home improvement in my marriage is that Hubby does the structural stuff, and I do the cosmetic stuff.

Years ago, Hubby mentioned to his best friend that we had some kind of leak in our master bathroom, and the carpet, (yeah, wall to wall carpet in a bathroom. YUCK) was damp. I moved a little rolling cart that I used to store towels, and found mushrooms growing on the carpet! Anyway, Hubby's friend came over with a crow bar, and hubby took his, and they went in to that bathroom and tore it down to the studs. They pulled up the carpet, which needed doing. Then they walked away and left it that way. For years! No amount of asking could get Hubby to get back in there to do any work. I finally realized that Hubby was in over his head, and didn't have a clue on how to proceed.

I started buying replacement items on sale, over a period of years. I stored what I bought in that bathroom, and he never even knew about it until I started working on it. I bought lovely porcelain tile for the floor and tile walls. I bought a new shower pan. I bought a new wax ring to reinstall the toilet. Eventually, I had enough to get started.

I had been watching HGTV, and had seen a number of tiling projects and bathroom redo's. I saw lots of good advice on how things should be done properly. So one day while Hubby was at work, I tiled the bathroom floor. The next day I grouted it. The day after that, I installed the toilet. So for the first time in years, we had a working potty in the master bath. That night, I took hubby in there and showed him what I had done. He groused a little about the cost once we discussed it, but was happy that we didn't have to grope our way across the house to another bathroom in the middle of the night anymore. By that time, I probably had spent less than $200.00 over a period of about 6 months.

I have degenerative disk disease, and don't have much physical strength, and also can't bend very well. I couldn't get a thing off the drain pipe for the shower, so that I could install the new shower pan. I tried for weeks, and Hubby finally came in and manhandled the thing off for me. I was finally able to install the shower pan.

Then we had to wait until we could afford a plumber to install the new shower assembly (knob thingy and head). This took welding and it took someone who knew what they were doing. I had to have a plumber out anyway to open a drain, and he gave me a good deal on installing the shower stuff, since he was there anyway.

So the next day I was able to install the shower pan, and start working on getting the cement board up so that I could tile the shower stall. That work took a while, because the stuff is so hard on saw blades and drill bits. But I finally got that done. I got the shower tiled too, and that took time too. Lots of intricate cuts. Porcelain is very hard, and is hard to cut. So the finished product was beautiful, but I could see every flaw in my amature effort, but it was done. We still needed to have a glass enclosure for two walls, and for that we had to wait several years due to a tight budget. I had to hire pros for that. It had to be made of safety glass according to code, and I needed pros who could cover up my uneven tile job. However once it was done, it was delightful to finally have a nice master bath, and I got the satisfaction of doing most of it myself.

The truth is that every drop of paint that has ever been applied to the interior of any of the houses we have ever owned, has been put there by me. Over the years, I've fixed many things. Stuff happens. My daughter got mad at her brother and put her fist through a wall. Guess who repaired it? My son got impatient with a sticking front door, and leaned into it, pushing too hard. Guess who put plywood up until we could afford new safety glass? then guess who installed the safety glass? Me. Guess who swung a deal with the company that made the shower enclosure for three more pieces of safety glass cut to fit for the front door windows and the matching bathroom window beside it? Me. 

Years ago, we bought a house that we were going to rent out. It was a short sale from a bank. I did all the work on that house. Hubby worked, and I was blessed enough that I got to be a SAHM for the first time. So in the morning I would feed the family breakfast, pack lunches and get the clan off to work and school. I then reported to the rental house and spent my days painting, tiling, glazing busted windows and whatever else needed doing. I hired an electrician and a plumber for things that they had a special skill set for that I didn't. Then I managed the rental. I did the finances for it. Hubby was kept appraised of all that I was doing, and was in on all of the decisions, but didn't have to do it himself.

Then we found a ranch that we (mostly he) fell in love with. When we sold the rental house, the profit from that was plowed into buying the ranch. So all of that hard work on the rental helped the house increase in value and allowed us to buy 42 acres of heaven. Heaven with two ramshackle houses and outbuildings that desperately need lots of TLC. Hubby did do some amazing things to get the power up and running again. He figured out the water system and got running water to the house. He figured out that the pipe to the septic system had collapsed, and dug it out and replaced it. And pretty much hasn't touched the house again. He works hard in the orchard though. He works full time, and then works hard until the sun sets at his ranch. For all of my boasting here about what I have done, it is nothing compared to what he does. He is the hardest working man I have ever met, just not in the house.

Yet I'm the one fixing up the inside. So yes, it is a lot of work, but it is worth it. This wasn't really something that we discussed. It just happened over time that I realized that the interior work would never be done if I had to depend on him to do it.

I realize that you are pregnant. Don't do anything that will dangerous to you or your baby. Don't be around paint fumes. Don't lift anything too heavy. But when you are able, after the baby comes, you may find that you enjoy doing some of the work and will really enjoy the finished product. 

Over the years, I have done work that would have cost us many thousands of dollars to do if we had to hire pros. I recognize that there are things I don't know how to do, that I could get killed doing ,(electric) or make a heck of a mess, or burn the house down trying (plumbing which requires welding). I hire pros for that stuff, but I have accomplished so much! 

I remember that the kids were still small, in elementary school when I was working on the rental house. My daughter looked at me in amazement one day and said "Wow Mom, you can do anything you want to!" I smiled at her and gave her a hug, and told her that she could too. Guess what? You can too! You have served our country valiantly! You have done things that most women, and men for that matter, would never do, or could never do.Thank you so much for that! I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate your service to our country! 

Now it is time to do something nice for you and your growing family. Make that nice house on all that acreage a home for those kids to grow up in. Make it the kind of place that you and your DH can grow old in. I believe once you have had the baby and hormones get back to normal, you will feel better about the place. And let your kids see you working to make a home for them, and they will also believe that you can do anything! And you will be setting a wonderful example for them.

Is your hubby going to find a job that will allow you to be a stay at home mom?


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## Mid Tn Mama (May 11, 2002)

Peacock said:


> I am allowed to paint.
> 
> So I paint.
> 
> ...


Ha--that cracks me up! I'm not allowed to paint! All I really have to do is buy the supplies and start to do them and wa la--DH comes in to do it I guess I'm one really scary lady!! I won't tell you what I did with the weedeater, but loss of telephone service was just the starters.....

Don't know if anyone mentioned it but the nesting instinct when you are pregnant makes everyting tons worse! I can still remember being incensed about cobwebs on our cathedral ceilings. Except for the two times I was on my back with a huge belly did I notice them.

I think you have been given some wise advice. Is there any family he would trust to come and help for a week so that you can be comfortable while pregnant--at least ONE room?

Are the materials driving you crazy? Men don't often see that mess. Can you cover with sheets and hide them, or put them behind a couch?


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Twomeal, you poor kid! You've been through a heck of a lot and now you're pregnant and want to "nest" and can't! (My mother used to call it that when a pregnant woman wanted to fix and finish her nest!).

I also think that you're at the end of your rope due to an enormous amount of stress and post-stress! Go ahead and cry if it helps! Everything looks hopeless and overwhelming and a good many of us understand.

As for selling your place, don't! Not right now! I think that you'll regret it down the road.


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## Mid Tn Mama (May 11, 2002)

Two things I forgot to mention: I don't think you are a whiner! You had me at "Irag" and "tent" and "Korea!"

Next, I didn't imply that my DH fixes things that need doing when they need doing. I think Tator hit it on the nail when she said that it is scary to finish because it might mean you will fail. I have many hobbies I want to do that I don't because of it and I've decided 2012 is the year of fearless finishing!!


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## Oma2three (May 5, 2012)

So sorry that you feel stressed out and overwhelmed.I am sure most of us who have moved a lot because of a husbands job and fixed up houses, know how you feel. like others have said i would ask him to get the kitchen done so you can cook and bake in peace,and then get your bedroom done to have a place to nap or relax with your child and later the baby.Maybe he could hire somebody to help a few days to take the pressure off him also.


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

I can't imagine someone hating their house. Even if you live in a tent, you can still make it a "home" and one to be proud of. When you make a 'home' you can't help but not love where you are because of who you're with - no matter the size or condition. 

Things don't have to be perfect; just clean. They can be perfect for whatever situation you're in at the time. 

Just IMHO, but demanding a 'nice' home is arrogant and selfish. "Liveable" with your husband and children around you should be your first goal.

Despite it all, thank you for you and your husband's service!


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## BarbadosSheep (Jun 27, 2011)

Hubby and I built our first DIY house when we were 20, after our mobile home burned down. That first winter, we had our first child. There was one room that was done. Or mostly done anyway so we all slept there. We heated that room with a kerosene heater and our newborn son slept with us so he would not freeze. We had ice in the one toilet and no kitchen at all. That was in 1983. It took years to finish that one and once it was finally done, we bought a bigger piece of land, moved into another old single wide trailer, sold that first house and started our 2nd DIY house. And then we bought more land next door, sold the 2nd house with 3 acres and moved into another old single wide trailer and started DIY home #3, the home we are in now. This is our forever home and it's not done yet either but the end is in sight...maybe 3 or 4 years away. When we started the first house, we knew nothing about construction. But we learned as we went and are pretty darn good at it now. It was a ton of work and hard on the marriage at times, but we survived it all and are stronger now because of the trials we endured. 

You need to have a heart to heart with hubby. The fact that he will not allow you to do anything would be totally unacceptable to me. If he won't allow you to do a project alone, get him to work with you on it and do it as a team. But to tell you that you are not allowed to do it, and then not even do it himself is wrong.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

BarbadosSheep said:


> You need to have a heart to heart with hubby. The fact that he will not allow you to do anything would be totally unacceptable to me. If he won't allow you to do a project alone, get him to work with you on it and do it as a team. But to tell you that you are not allowed to do it, and then not even do it himself is wrong.


I couldn't agree more. Aside from leaving things undone, it also gives him complete control over the style and design. You need to leave your mark on the place too, so it will feel like a home for you too.


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## prairiedog (Jan 18, 2007)

twomeal said:


> Yes, we have allllllllll these materials just sitting around. I mean, almost everything we "need" to really get the house done up real nice.
> 
> As far as the yard, that's something that irks me to no end. We have a [sort of crappy] riding mower and a weedeater, so the front lawn and back area get done ok. But we have all this pastureland that is totally overgrown, and I can't afford a tractor or bushhog, or even to pay a guy to come do it right now. A neighbor lady has offered me cuts off of her many flowers, and I'd love to take her up on it, but I feel so overwhelmed with the rest of the house right now. We didn't get our garden planted either. I feel that I can't spare the time to work on the outdoors until what I face everyday indoors is livable.
> 
> I'm trying to make a list of priorities- there is just so much to be done that I don't know where to begin.



Get a few boer goats out there on that pasture.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

Karen said:


> I can't imagine someone hating their house. Even if you live in a tent, you can still make it a "home" and one to be proud of. When you make a 'home' you can't help but not love where you are because of who you're with - no matter the size or condition.
> 
> Things don't have to be perfect; just clean. They can be perfect for whatever situation you're in at the time.
> 
> ...


I think she knows all about "being perfect for whatever situation you're in at the time", since she has lived in a tent in Arabia and a box in Iraq , yeesh :grump:

I think she has earned the right to vent and wish she lived in a nicer place, calling her arrogant and selfish when she is pregnant, stressed, has lived in places you have never lived, served our country?? Not very nice. :hrm:


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

I appreciate all the comments, even the ones that are hard to hear. It really does help to gain perspective.

We need a bit of work on our fencing and that is taking a backseat to the house now. So goats (we want sheep but I hear you) and renting space for horses isn't super feasible. We could maybe look into renting some space for free in exchange for help with the fencing though. That is an idea, although again, I'm anxious to get work done on the house and am putting the outside on a backburner. Someone did say that pastures are made for growing tall (or something like that). My thinking has been- dang, I really want to walk all along my property and be able to fish in the lake and walk along the creek. Perhaps I will try and give your way of thinking a go for a while though.

My husband doesn't not let me do things, per se, he just does them much better, and again, I am pretty pregnant so there are some things I can't do. And my husband does work on the house, it's just not coming along fast enough for my liking.

Someone else said that I should be happy with my husband and family the way things are. Maybe I'm a stubborn and moody person, but the trials and tribulations of everyday life in an unpleasant environment only add strife to our familial relationships. We will certainly love each other and work it out by the end of the day, but sometimes I get exhausted and want to be in a situation where we do not have extra burdens put on our plates. Perhaps the grass is always greener though.

I had some other points I wanted to make, but I can't remember right now.

The consensus seems to be that getting rid of the place is probably not the best idea. I think I will stand behind that, although it feels so tough right now. Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for all the suggestions and stories of similar circumstances.


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

Just try to relax and enjoy the process. It will all work out ok in the end~


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

Peacock said:


> so let me explain why I can't. (..do the self improvement projects myself...)
> 
> My DH is a wonderful man in many respects. He is very reliable, hard-working and loves us dearly. But he is also *impossible* to reason with on many things and the projects he is working on are included. Take the bathroom renovation for example. If I even hinted that I wanted to go in there and, say, put down the flooring, he would go ballistic. That is HIS project and if it doesn't get done for the next ten years it will still be HIS project.
> 
> ...


I understand, believe me. My feelings about the city house we lived in for 31 years and raised our children in is that it emotionally feels like living in a motel. Shortly after our marriage, just after his dad finished the barebones renovation/expansion to make his mom's old 1 br cottage expansive enough for a family of 4, my college friend called me up and wanted to get some stuff to redecorate her bathroom. We needed a waste can, toothbrush holder, shower curtain, etc. so I mentioned I could pick up some stuff myself. We bought our stuff at KMart, came home, I affixed a decorative shelf to the wall, set out the toothbrush holder, tissue holder, waste can and hung the shower curtain. At this point in time GFB came home.
We had _never_ fought.
We had a terrible fight. He knew all my weak spots and went for the jugular, You would have thought I was responsible for Christ's betrayal and the extermination of 6 million non Aryan undesirables. He left me emotionally bleeding and battered, not to mention consfused. This had been my best friend in college, the one who knew EVERYTHING about me, who kept me from committing suicide when my ex husband was actively trying to push me to do so?? ANYTHING could bring on his icy curtness that let me know I had trangressed. We were married, he had put my name on his property, but I had better have no ideas of changhing ANYTHING. And talking about anything was frustrating because his answer before I got 3 words out of my mouth was *NO!*
How many times does it have to happen beffore you just give up, wash your hands of whatever is pushing *HIS* buttons, consider the state of your marriage- good father, good sense of humor, strong work ethic...Is it worth fighting over getting to nest?? And the fights were so intense I could see divorce down that road..so I stepped back. NO MORE fights about the house. But if I don't have a say, I'm not gonna feel much like doing anything like straightening, dusting, mopping, whatever. And neither does GFB..but he reaped what he had sown. 
So I know what you are going thru. Work on getting him to agree you can have a bedroom or a "sewing" room fixed up as your Happy place. If he absolutely refuses to let you have a space interior, find yourself an area in the yard where you can put a table and a couple chairs-COMFIE ones. Then surround it with poplars or bamboo or vines or paulownia. Try to sleep more, and try to let go of attachment to the house. And good luck


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## texican (Oct 4, 2003)

Money paid on rent is wasted... never to return. Finish your house, and each month you live in it, you save the money you'd a thrown away on rent.

I could build a very nice house, for what cheap rentals cost in a year.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

twomeal said:


> My thinking has been- dang, I really want to walk all along my property and be able to fish in the lake and walk along the creek. Perhaps I will try and give your way of thinking a go for a while though.


Oh nice, you have a creek and lake? I would love that!

Maybe its the fact that you are looking at finally having roots, that is scaring you a little bit? It seems you have been pretty nomadic in your life, settling in one spot can be kind of nerve wracking, even though you have wished to be able to settle in one place. Its a whole new way of living for you, I don't think its the unfinished house or anything, as much as it is being pregnant, major life changes, and just being human


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

Find someone to mow your field for you for the hay until the time you're ready to use it. My neighbor does mine with this type of arrangement and it doesn't cost me a dime.

Everyone has given you some great advice. I'd like to add, start changing how you view the house. Instead of seeing all that still needs done, start seeing what has been done and how far the house has come. You choose how you want to feel about it.

Every place I have lived has been a fixer upper. It can be very overwhelming to see all of the things that need done. My last house needed major work and it was daunting to think about it, but as soon as I started painting, my view of it shifted. I enjoyed the colors I put on the wall and it made me happy to see them and less frustrated at all that still had to be done.

You've said that you can't do much inside, so go ahead and take your neighbor up on her offer of flower cuttings and plant them. I'd bet seeing some pretty flowers growing around your place would cheer you up. Go to the greenhouse and get you a few veggie plants, find some pots and plant them. So you don't have a garden, grow a few of your favorites anyway.

Watch the movie "The Money Pit". It'll help to put things in perspective and give you a good laugh.


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## Mid Tn Mama (May 11, 2002)

twomeal said:


> .....sometimes I get exhausted and want to be in a situation where we do not have extra burdens put on our plates.


No, the grass isn't greener on the other side. There IS no other side of the fence. There is no DH who can do it all and do it all well. I suspect all women grumble about these things. 

At least your husband is CAPABLE of doing it and it's POSSIBLE it COULD be doneound:


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Twomeal, gentle hugs! Being pregnant with no air conditioning is GRIM! 

You know, I ALSO hated my house because it got run down. It as a good house, but.......

But, my credit is good and so I had the broken air conditioner replaced and this weekend the damaged floor is being replaced. 

I hate credit card charges with passion, but I hated the way the house looked more. It will take time to pay it off but, oh well.

Is there any way you can get the air conditioner replaced or fixed on payments? I RARELY suggest credit because I hate it, but a broken air conditioner..... DANG!


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## Kazahleenah (Nov 3, 2004)

twomeal said:


> Yes, we have allllllllll these materials just sitting around. I mean, almost everything we "need" to really get the house done up real nice.
> 
> As far as the yard, that's something that irks me to no end. We have a [sort of crappy] riding mower and a weedeater, so the front lawn and back area get done ok. But we have all this pastureland that is totally overgrown, and I can't afford a tractor or bushhog, or even to pay a guy to come do it right now. A neighbor lady has offered me cuts off of her many flowers, and I'd love to take her up on it, but I feel so overwhelmed with the rest of the house right now. We didn't get our garden planted either. I feel that I can't spare the time to work on the outdoors until what I face everyday indoors is livable.
> 
> I'm trying to make a list of priorities- there is just so much to be done that I don't know where to begin.




Sounds to me like maybe you *NEED* to just accept some flowers and spend a day for yourself, making something pretty that you can look at all summer after you work on the inside of the house all day. Sometimes, sanity has to be tended to, and sounds like you would enjoy the flowers, so I would say.... What's one or two days away from the inside of the house to spend planting flowers, when they will give you so much joy and peace to look at?


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## Callieslamb (Feb 27, 2007)

How about finishing up one room and just staying there most of the day? We've done many, many house projects together. It's good and it's bad. Painful and joyful. You have had an extended painful time. Hang in there though. don't give up on the dream yet. Allow yourself to be unhappy with a few things, but not with everything. Finish that one room, paint it your favorite color. Hang some pictures and curtains. Put in a window A/C unit. Get a pile of good books and bury yourself in them until you can bear to face it again. Stick it out! Someday you will be very happy that you did.


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## Cliff (Jun 30, 2007)

I wouldn't let someone mow it for the hay. You are giving away the fertility of your land just to get it mowed once. Not worth it. If anything see if you can mow a path to the lake. I don't remember if you said if it's fenced or not but some animals on it would help greatly and would keep the fertility there, even improving it. Maybe you could rent it for grazing for the year. And cows grazing in the field would be nice and calming to look at 

Twomeal, our reactions to things are basically just perception. You are trapped in this unhappy state because of perception. And I can guarantee you that whatever stress you are feeling over it your husband feels many times over, he's just not telling you. He is bearing the brunt of your unhappiness. Is that really fair?

Ok back to perception - when you describe your situation many of us look at it as a very positive thing. It sounds like you have an awesome place that just needs cosmetic work. That's a GOOD thing. It will happen, I'm sure of it because of your determination. Please don't waste all this time being miserable. You will regret it later, and you are in control of it! Whenever you are feeling awful try to remember that it's probably the pregnancy hormones causing some of what's going on. Think about the obvious things, like you have a home (many many people in this economy have lost theirs and are forced to live with family or in motels or are actually homeless - yes, many middle class people like you and me are homeless) and on top of that you have all the awesome sounding land (creek and lake?!) So what if you can't enjoy it right this very second. You HAVE it. You have a healthy family and a pregnancy that sounds like it's going well. Try to take a deep breath and really look around you and try to see the big picture - you are hung up and letting yourself be miserable over not so important things and I hate it for you. And for your husband  

Remember - PERCEPTION. And patience. And you are in control. You can let this be a miserable awful time in your life and the lives of everyone around you, or you can choose to make it as much of a positive happy time as possible. Good luck and please keep us updated on what's going on with you. You will find many helpful supportive people here. They might not always tell you what you want to hear but they will usually take the time to tell you what you need to hear. That's real support and concern.


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## shannsmom (Jul 28, 2009)

Hugs to you, Twomeals! And a big thank you to you and your husband for your service to our country! You have both been through so much lately! On the other hand...you have such great possibilities ahead of you! I am so excited for you and yes, jealous of you! I think 18 acres is fabulous! And to be able to design the home of your dreams, even if it takes a couple of years, wow, how perfect it will be when you're done! You will have a great place to raise your family!
I know you are feeling overwhelmed and tired right now, but take little bits at a time, and take big breaths! Something as simple as baking can make a house feel (and smell) like a home and a place you want to be. So maybe work on the kitchen first, then you have a space to create and to sit down and plan more things. When I feel overwhelmed, sometimes I take it 1/2 day at a time, like I will tell myself "I am going to work on planting vegetables this morning"...you can usually get yourself going for a small chunk. The next day "I will organize the kitchen for 3 hours this afternoon". And sometimes you have to just say "I am going to just wallow in it this afternoon" and give yourself permission to pout for the afternoon...but then you're done. I think you should print out Common Tater's first post, it was great! 

Congratulations and good luck to your family! I would love to read updates on your progress...because you ARE going to make progress!

BTW, I hate my house, too (DH bought it before we were married and we were supposed to move long ago!), but have lived here for 15 years and it hasn't killed me. Now we are finally looking forward to buying a few acres next year and building our own home, which will probably take more than 5 years since we want to cash flow it. It will be frustrating, but a journey


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## Riverdale (Jan 20, 2008)

twomeal said:


> Yes, we have allllllllll these materials just sitting around. I mean, almost everything we "need" to really get the house done up real nice.
> 
> As far as the yard, that's something that irks me to no end. We have a [sort of crappy] riding mower and a weedeater, so the front lawn and back area get done ok. But we have all this pastureland that is totally overgrown, and I can't afford a tractor or bushhog, or even to pay a guy to come do it right now. A neighbor lady has offered me cuts off of her many flowers, and I'd love to take her up on it, but I feel so overwhelmed with the rest of the house right now. We didn't get our garden planted either. I feel that I can't spare the time to work on the outdoors until what I face everyday indoors is livable.
> 
> I'm trying to make a list of priorities- there is just so much to be done that I don't know where to begin.


Perhaps your husband feels the same way?

We have been in our house 6 years. It's not even close to being done. When we had the time, we did not have the money.

I have a list of what I want to get done in a time frame. DW has a different idea. We deal with it.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

The more I hear about your homestead, the more I like it! I think you will probably come to love it eventually.

When you get those cuttings from your neighbor, let her help you get them established with roots. If you haven't done it before, it can be tricky. If you have a home improvement center near you, get some rooting compound, and it will greatly improve the chances of the cuttings taking root.


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

Shygal said:


> I think she knows all about "being perfect for whatever situation you're in at the time", since she has lived in a tent in Arabia and a box in Iraq , yeesh :grump:
> 
> I think she has earned the right to vent and wish she lived in a nicer place, calling her arrogant and selfish when she is pregnant, stressed, has lived in places you have never lived, served our country?? Not very nice. :hrm:


I didn't mean it that way at all. I simply meant that when you make a 'home', the 'house' become irrelevant. If your family has a home, what more could you possibly want? Hope for yes, but 'demand'? That's what's selfish and arrogant. Having a roof over the family's head is a true blessing nowadays. Go with the blessings you have instead of looking for better ones.

I'm grateful for her service, but the conditions she's lived under during her service is something she knew what she was getting into and is what she signed up for so those past living conditions are moot. Where she's at today is what counts and only _perhaps_ changing her attitude about it. Again, that's just MHO and isn't worth 2 cents anyway.


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

Thanks so much for your service to our country! 

Your emotions and your body are screaming for rest! for recovery. I totally hear that. But also, when a person feels that way, may I gently suggest that this is not the time to make major decisions? =0) 

It appears to me that the feelings you have about the house may not really be about the house, but more about the need to have some respite from the things you have gone through, and perhaps if you are very intentional about taking care of yourself, you will make peace with your housing situation. =) And if not, you and your husband can make a decision about what to do with both of you being in a good emotional place, and without either of you having any regrets. 

Some suggestions that may or may not be helpful... 
Can you perhaps complete and beautify one or two rooms where you can go and shut the door and have respite from chaos, and perhaps an hour or two a day where there is no renovation going on so that you can just be? Or could you perhaps go visit a friend or relative who lives somewhere nice, or take a vacation and go to the beach... and sleep. For a week or so, do nothing. Maybe both. And maybe see a massage therapist or a counselor... which ever thing sounds better to you, and take care of yourself? 

I can totally understand your need for a little peace. I hope you can find a way to get that while working this out! 

thank you again for your service to our country! 

Cindyc.


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## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

Karen said:


> If your family has a home, what more could you possibly want? Hope for yes, but 'demand'? That's what's selfish and arrogant. Having a roof over the family's head is a true blessing nowadays. Go with the blessings you have instead of looking for better ones.
> 
> I'm grateful for her service, but the conditions she's lived under during her service is something she knew what she was getting into and is what she signed up for so those past living conditions are moot. Where she's at today is what counts and only _perhaps_ changing her attitude about it. Again, that's just MHO and isn't worth 2 cents anyway.


I beg to differ that those past living conditions are moot. She was expecting a break from a long period of harsh living conditions, not return to a house that represents nothing but work and disrepair. She has obviously been looking forward to finally putting that phase of her life behind her for a long, long time. How disappointing that there seems to be no end in sight. 

At least her family is together now which is the most important thing - but I'm sure it's still a disappointment that her husband will not ALLOW her to help or to hire help to make this home a reality. In effect, her husband has let her down. Raising a child on his own with very little time explains a lot and the OP understands this. But to sabotage any further progress due to the OP's husband's pride and selfishness? THAT is disappointing. She has put her own needs last to serve her country - now she's home and still feels no control over her own life, with no backing from her husband! No wonder she's depressed!

I hope the OP creates a haven somewhere on her property. And I hope she gets permission and even help from her husband.


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## romysbaskets (Aug 29, 2009)

You have been places most of us only can imagine! Tent living and serving our country the way you have means you truly know the meaning of sacrifice, dedication and loyalty. Thank you for this sacrifice! Your feelings are not just based on your pregnancy but your need to be "home." This said, the project home you are living in feels like a project more than a home to you...that is normal for anyone after 6 years. This can be overcome if you work as a team and the expectations can be focused on each step.

I know a list like yours seems overwhelming...well it is! The only way you pare down a long list is one item at a time...just one of the things that you can do. It sounds like you could even start with one item a week if you need to, this may encourage hubby by inspiring him to help with his share. Having supplies is a very cool position...this means you and he have choices of which project is first. You obviously can not do the heavy work but there are little things you could. We are on a mission at our home, each day we must check off one item (we do not care which item it is either). After one of us completes a task, our reward is showing the other and receiving the compliments, hugs and appreciation from the other. Our home should be where we want it by the end of the summer. One of our challenges is that we need to buy supplies. I have come up with ideas, folks give away the amounts needed to do the smaller areas of our home. Hubby had ripped up and hand chiseled out our flooring to put in laminate a few years back although I would have preferred solid wood...I appreciate that floor every single day, it looks wonderful and I tell him so. It transformed our main floor and he even did our son's room and closet..those were difficult cuts. He did not finish it up with the molding which he has a goal of doing this summer. I have been gathering molding around the island and have nearly enough already. I have been outside working on my garden and every day I am checking off something else. Hubby has begun thanking me for what I am planting? I did alot of cutting back and really tidied up the flower beds. As I look at the list that is long...we will do one thing at a time until it is done. Your home is like a garden and every touch will show and grow into the beauty that will be your finished home!


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

For the record, I think some of you have mistaken another poster's husband for mine- my husband doesn't forbid me to do things, he is not controlling (regarding the house or anything else), and he is not in any means keeping me from working. _Another poster_ commented that her husband gets mad when she does things because he wants to do it his way. I can understand that, but that's not my husband.

My issue is that things are getting done, but there is just SO MUCH more to be done.

Also, we do have air conditioner and heat that works, but the second floor isn't put together and we are lacking lots of insulation. So the only room that really gets cool at all is the bathroom, which is in a depressing state. Since your posts, we have decided to look on craigslist for a window unit to at least get one room nice and comfortable.

I do help- I have screwed in all the door handles when doors finally get put up, I put all the registers on the floor, put in all the knobs and handles when the cabinets got hung, I clean the windows and mop the floors and helped wallpaper. I don't know how to put up trim and baseboard and lay the flooring etc etc.

Anyway, again, you've all had great points and have been helpful to my mood. We have decided that we will do it like many of you suggested, and take it one room at a time. We have a couple of rooms that are *mostly* finished, so I think focusing on those first and seeing a real improvement is going to vastly improve my outlook.

Also, I'm going to get some pics together of "before and afters" of what we have done so far. That way, I can share a little with you all who have been so kind to give me your time and thoughts, and also will probably be therapeutic for me to see. Will return soon with those.


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## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

I would love to see your pix! you may even put some up on a poster board, tacked to the wall--nothing like looking back to see how far you really have come!

yup, getting a room or two completely done will help you out. it IS depressing going from room to room and seeing nothing but chaos. I feel the same way when my house is a mess--its like if there is chaos outside, I 'feel' chaotic inside. 

I have btdt, we lived in the mudroom for months. but, it was done. it was clean and cool/warm. we could shut the door at the end of the day and say ahhh.

for you, a nice cool, clean bedroom would be a great place to unwind. even if you set it up with the tv for now, use as a sort of living room, but just having ONE place that isn't covered in drywall dust, with decent furniture, and cozy. I would also try to get a corner in the kitchen fairly working. myself, I dont' care if I do business outside, but a clean place to sleep/relax and a clean kitchen makes me feel human.

so set this one room up just right--pictures you love, pretty things, things that make you feel at home. once this house is done, you may find yourself very attached. and I wouldn't be to quick to leave land either, its getting harder to come by all the time. you sound so tightly wound, try to relax!! do what you can, it will come together and in the end, you'll be so proud.


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## Oak Leaf (Sep 14, 2011)

We've been in our fixer upper for almost 3 years now. Before we bought the house, we had it inspected and he took pictures of all the problem areas and ugly spots and put them in a nifty little binder for us. (So basically, we ended up with pics of everything inside and out! ound When we need a little pick me up, we pull it out to see how far we've come. It really, really helps. 

Seconding all the advice to fix up a room or two. It's hard to live in total chaos with no end in sight. We also have piles of materials sitting around (both inside and out) waiting to be used. 

And to the person who said to just clean your house... ha! Easier said than done! Extra stacks of materials laying around, furniture crowded into rooms where it doesn't belong... and the DUST. I feel like I'm still cleaning plaster dust and it's been 6 months since the last time we did any sanding! 

We have two levels of work that gets done: 'good enough for now', and _finished_. I painted all the kitchen cabinets, changed out the hardware, painted the walls and made the little pantry nice the first week we moved in so that it was 'good enough for now'. Someday we will replace the chipped counter tops, add some tile and other extras. 

The floors are what I'm really excited about. We had cracked and peeling linoleum which I decided one day that_ I could not clean them one more time! _ So I peeled up the linoleum, got out the crowbar and pulled up the 1/4" plywood that was nailed down and found old hardwood underneath. We've been living with the rough wood for awhile, hopefully this summer we will sand and varnish it. It will brighten up the whole house. :clap:

If it's impossible to fix up a corner of the house right now, create a comfy space outside on your porch, under a tree, anywhere. Somewhere you can go to relax and feel refreshed. 

I do quite a bit of work myself around here (DH works full time, I don't) and sometimes I feel like I have no one to blame for the mess but myself! It's so demotivating to have all this work staring you in the face from sunup to sundown. There aren't enough hours in the day. And if you *do* take time off, you feel guilty! The whole thing is quite overwhelming and I look forward to it being done. 

Your house and property sound wonderful. I'm sure it will be a lovely home when you're finished! (And hopefully livable until you get to that point!)


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

twomeal said:


> Also, I'm going to get some pics together of "before and afters" of what we have done so far. That way, I can share a little with you all who have been so kind to give me your time and thoughts, and also will probably be therapeutic for me to see. Will return soon with those.


 I really look forward to seeing those pictures! And they should help you too, because you will see the progress for yourself. That should help you to feel better about your new home, and your Hubby and his efforts around the place.

I was thinking that the very fact that you post here at HT leads me to believe deep in your heart that you should have a homestead. I really do think that you are going to love that place someday.


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## stamphappy (Jul 29, 2010)

{{{{hugs}}}} to you. 

I'm glad you're going to keep the house. I truly believe that once the pregnancy hormones wear off, you'll feel better. Also, I wonder if you're nesting and the desire and need to have it all perfect is making your emtions about the house go into overdrive? 

Get some of those cuttings from the neighbor and put them in pots; they can be transplanted later but the front of the house (or wherever you put them) will look pretty. 

I also add my count to the 'do one room and make it nice' so you have a retreat. 

I am very envious of your 18 acres----we live on .17. I cannot imagine your wealth in having 18 acres. Your children will love it!


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

Test to see if pic upload works...


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## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

twomeal said:


> For the record, I think some of you have mistaken another poster's husband for mine- my husband doesn't forbid me to do things, he is not controlling (regarding the house or anything else), and he is not in any means keeping me from working. _Another poster_ commented that her husband gets mad when she does things because he wants to do it his way. I can understand that, but that's not my husband.


Oops, my mistake! My apologies on that.


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)




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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)




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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

SunsetSonata, no problem! Just wanted to clarify what I'm working with 

So looking at the pics, it doesn't look half bad. Living in it is different though. I took pics where you don't see the grime and never-ending sawdust, the little piles of junk that has nowhere to go, the piles of wood and lamp boxes and nails, and you can't see the heat. Not to mention that most plugs and what not don't work yet. And it's still just....messy. While it has come a LONG way, and it doesn't seem unlivable, it sure has a long way to go and feels like I'll never be comfortable :/


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

After re-reading my last post, I can see that I simply have a negative attitude. Maybe I have spent too much time here. I need a new outlook.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

You've come a really long way in 1 1/2 years! I love the color of the kitchen and dining room! And it looks like the bathroom is close to being done.

It looks like you and your hubs are putting your own stamp on it and making it into what you want your home to be.


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## Dusky Beauty (Jan 4, 2012)

Twomeal, It's actually much better than I pictured! And those are some seriously stylish wall treatments! 
Looks like you just need to keep busy and positive. If gardening will make you happy, snag some tote bins w/o tops at goodwill, some potting soil and some nice plants. If you want the pots all the same color scheme, you can probably paint them and use up some partial paint gallons from the walls. Do the flowers. Get yourself some ducklings. (duck housing is much easier and faster to do than chickens and you'll love them-- tons of personality and they make great backyard layers) 

A window unit might be less spendy, but a floor room ac unit can be moved from the living room to the bedroom as needed easily. 

Someday, I hope to find what you've got!


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## CarolT (Mar 12, 2009)

If the second floor isn't absolutely needed right now, put what you can up there. believe it or not, all the boxes covering floor space helps with the fact that the insulation "isn't all it should be". Helping keep the cool downstairs saves energy and getting the things out from underfoot helps the frustration. 

I agree, don't make any major decisions on the house until you have the pregnancy and post-birth hormones under control. It was a long time ago, but nothing pleased me when I was pregnant, and poor DH felt the brunt


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

twomeal said:


> After re-reading my last post, I can see that I simply have a negative attitude. Maybe I have spent too much time here. I need a new outlook.


Everyone is entitled to a negative attitude now and then! And yes, you're there too much. Try to get out of the house a bit.


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

twomeal said:


> ...I DO want to live in a nice house with no (or few) problems. The desire to live in a complete, finished, nice home trumps my disdain for moving.


I'm not sure such a place exists. You're pregnant and going to school so I'm betting the hormones are doing a number on you.

It sounds like your hubby did the best he could do. I have a feeling you both underestimated the amount of work it takes to fix up a house. Was your family living a distance from the house? It sounds like your hubby had a very full plate. I think you need to give him a break.

You know, circumstances change. We purchased this place almost three years ago. We've got 27 acres and a dumpy little place. When we bought it we intended to remodel and add a really nice addition with a basement. We came from a 3500 sqft house with a 1900 sq ft unfinished walk out basement with almost three acres in a beautiful suburban neighborhood. We moved to a 1100 sq ft house on a crawl space. I wanted a smaller home. While I don't particularly care for ranches my knees aren't what they used to be so I needed to live without stairs. At age 45 I became disabled. I was the primary breadwinner. I am a nurse and worked out of my home educating patients online and on the phone. It was the perfect job. It enabled me to nearly double my salary from five years earlier. (I graduated at age 40.)

We're stuck here. We cannot afford to move and cannot afford to fix it up.... and it needs fixin' up. DH is unable to work on the house himself. Oh, how I would love your place. Sure looks like you're putting your personality into your home. I think you'll love it when it's done.


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## TNHermit (Jul 14, 2005)

Pictures look fine to me and I think he is doing a good job. Please give your husband my salutations from a navy air guy. And if i can help with sources or info give me a holler.


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

twomeal said:


> SunsetSonata, no problem! Just wanted to clarify what I'm working with
> 
> So looking at the pics, it doesn't look half bad. Living in it is different though. I took pics where you don't see the grime and never-ending sawdust, the little piles of junk that has nowhere to go, the piles of wood and lamp boxes and nails, and you can't see the heat. Not to mention that most plugs and what not don't work yet. And it's still just....messy. While it has come a LONG way, and it doesn't seem unlivable, it sure has a long way to go and feels like I'll never be comfortable :/


First of all, you're a saint for staying calm through all this. Second, try to hold on because you actually are going to have a very nice home when finished. My husband and I put off remodeling for 30 years, so we had "fun" when the actual work began. Most of our remodeling centered around new subfloors and floors. We didn't even address the walls or ceilings and probably won't ever get that brave. I have severe health issues and my husband moved me to the local hotel while the nastier part of deconstruction was taking place. What we have ended up with is a small home with all wood floors, a huge new ac/heat system, new wiring, new windows, and a less cluttered house that's easy to keep clean and a joy to live in. 

This is humid Ky and that air conditioning is an absolute must have. I'd insist on that first and foremost. And do some day trips out of the house, even if it's just to the local air conditioned library. There's a great story hour program for young children there. Check it out.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

Do you have pictures of the property?


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## shannsmom (Jul 28, 2009)

Thank you for posting the pics! You are going to have one seriously rocking, stylish home when you are done! Love the colors!
When I was pregnant with DD, my DH got laid off and decided in his spare time to gut the house, rip up everything down to the subflooring. 6 months months pregnant and on my feet all day as a nurse, unemployed husband and I would come home to this giant mess. I chose not to look down (well, honestly, there came a point where I couldn't see my own feet so there was no choice:hysterical: ). All I asked was that he get the nursery room and our bedroom done and I could ignore the rest. That kept me happy, I'd come home and paint all the little trims in the nursery so felt like I was doing something, that was important to me. 

And plant those flowers! It's amazing what they do for you emotionally. I planted some this spring on each side of every step up to the house, and it is so nice when DD (10 years old) comes home and says the steps are beautiful! Makes me think it is, too.


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## Heritagefarm (Feb 21, 2010)

twomeal said:


> I'll start off by saying that I am grateful to have a home. I know there are many, many less fortunate people than myself. But that doesn't lessen my circumstance- and this may come across as whiny.
> 
> We bought this house in March of last year, while I was in Iraq. It needed a great deal of work, but my husband assured me that he could have it all done by the time I got home for good. Based on that, I gave him the go ahead. If I had known then what I know now, I would have never said ok.
> 
> ...


Your opinions and conditions are entirely valid.We lived in a teaer-downer for 7 and 1/2 years. It was very small, leaky, and termite damage 4 feet up the wall, had no crawl space, had no foundation, and the windows regularly broke because the frames got so thrown out of whack from the house sinking. You could run extension cords out of the house (the walls), the wiring regularly caught the walls on fire, the siding was falling off, and the plumbing was inaccessible. The well was also only 75 ft deep and went dry if you used more than 20 gallons of water. Only upside was 66 acres of beautiful pasture and woods.
BTW that farm is for sale now if you want it!!!
Now we have another place, only 18 acres, BUT it has a house where NONE of those things I just listed applies. It needs walls moved around, that's it!:clap::dance::clap: It only has 18 acres,  BUT there are several hundred acres of lease-able land available!
So, yes, you are very right, and PLEASE don't take 7 and 1/2 years to get a better house! It will make you saner, happier, and your life will be better because of it. So take heart - at least you have a roof, BUT aspire for a better one!


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## Chickensittin (Mar 26, 2012)

twomeal said:


> Yes, we have allllllllll these materials just sitting around. I mean, almost everything we "need" to really get the house done up real nice.
> 
> As far as the yard, that's something that irks me to no end. We have a [sort of crappy] riding mower and a weedeater, so the front lawn and back area get done ok. But we have all this pastureland that is totally overgrown, and I can't afford a tractor or bushhog, or even to pay a guy to come do it right now. A neighbor lady has offered me cuts off of her many flowers, and I'd love to take her up on it, but I feel so overwhelmed with the rest of the house right now. We didn't get our garden planted either. I feel that I can't spare the time to work on the outdoors until what I face everyday indoors is livable.
> 
> *I'm trying to make a list of priorities- there is just so much to be done that I don't know where to begin.*


I am a list maker and sometimes it seems overwhelming when everything gets put down on paper but you just have to decide what your top priority is and then start there. If it is the AC, make that your priority. Devote your attention to that task and ask your husband to do the same. Maybe enlist the help of your family/friends. Once that one thing is accomplished, put a large mark through that item on the list and congratulate yourself (and your hubby) on the progress that you made. Celebrate the moment. If that first task requires a great deal of work/time, go ahead and prioritize smaller tasks and try to complete one or more of these at the same time. It will certainly help your perspective when you can track the progress you are making. These completed projects will give you new energy to tackle new ones. Good luck and thanks for your service to our country!


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## Heritagefarm (Feb 21, 2010)

Two-meal - good job on your house. Only thing is, I like your kitchen BEFORE you remodeled it.  LOL.


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

Ha, we hated the kitchen! But we sold the cabinets and made a pretty penny- financed the whole new kitchen and then some.

Here are some pics of the land. These are how it was when we bought it, but now it is much overgrown:


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

My boy enjoying the yard, and us in front of the house.



















Edited to add:
I'm kind of shocked at all the responses and views this thread has gotten. I was just having a miserable moment and needed to cry to people who I thought would sort of get it. I'm feeling much more positive now (although that may change any minute- my poor husband!) and this thread has given me some good perspective. And it just feels good to read other peoples stories and look at my pics.


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## gaucli (Nov 20, 2008)

I think he is doing a beautiful job..and looks like he actually has accomplished quite a bit. It is a lovely place with beautiful views. Looks so peaceful and sure you and your husband can use "peaceful" after what all you have been thru. I agree with most of the others, I would go room by room and then it is not so chaotic. My best wishes go out to you and your husband and a very big "thank you" for your service. Please post pictures when you are all finished if all possible..sure it will be a wonderful place to live.


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

As I've been sitting here thinking about it, I was way too harsh and judgmental and I apologize. Although I do believe anyone can make a good life and good home any where, under any conditions; that's just me. I've not walked in your shoes twomeal, so please forgive me for my bluntness which did come across very rude. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family for only good things to come. 

BTW, it does look like it will be a beautful home and your husband's done a great job so far. The land is awesome!!!


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

Karen, I didn't take it too bad, but thanks for the apology. I really was looking for honest opinions, and bluntness works. I have a tendency to think the world revolves around me and it is necessary to get reminders that it does not. No hard feelings at all, hugs


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

I just love your place. I can see you putting down roots there and someday you will just be shocked that you ever thought of leaving!!! Now we lived in our house while we built it and Cale thought nothing of firing up the chainsaw in the middle of the house if necessary so I know ALL about dust! But I can't stand to live in chaos, so if there is one room where you can contain the tools and supplies, try to do that. Then even if the room is not finished at least it is not messy. 

I think you are both doing great and in a few years you are going to have an awesome home.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

Oh my gosh! That place is BEAUTIFUL! Thank you for sharing pictures of your beautiful homestead and wonderful family! I can see that your son already loves the place!

You are blessed. That house looks like a good solid house, and the land is amazing! Is the pond stocked with fish? I recently stocked our pond with trout, it is a cold water pond in the mountains. Yours would probably do better with bass and bluegill.

We have a lot of posters here who dream of someday getting a place of their own, and would be happy with half or what you have.


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

My daughter is also living in an unfinished house that we are all helping to build and I have to give her pep-talks every once in a while too!! So you are certainly not alone.


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

The pond doesn't have much in it but frogs and a turtle  The county has a program where they will help pay to expand your pond. We have applied for that and are hoping to be accepted and hoping to make it about twice the size- it's rather small. Then we would like to put some fish in it, but haven't looked much into it yet. I'm a bass fisher, so bass and bluegill sound good. Have also toyed with the idea of tilapia and catfish, but I really need to do some research. Still have some time to think on all of that.

You are all right. This is a pretty good step towards the dream. I guess my problem is that I want it all now. I need to change my thinking.

We got a super good deal on the house and property (_well_ under 100k) and were able to use a VA loan so we didn't have to put any down and were able to use our savings towards "fixing it up." The savings have dwindled and the work is slow-going... but we are getting closer. As mad as it all makes me, I am pretty proud of it.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

You have a gorgeous place! I'd love to find land like that with a fixer house. I'd move in a heartbeat!(to it, not away from it)


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## elliemaeg (May 1, 2005)

I am impressed with what you have done so far. And my what a lovely couple and adorable son. You all have really worked hard and have something to be proud of. And accomplished this with your own hands.


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

Beautiful land and I love the house too. I think you will be very happy here in the long run and what a great place for your kids to grow up. Kudos to your DH too, cause he's doing a great job.

I understand your need to have things finished and someday soon it will be. Just a hard thing to get through when you're pregnant. I remember how emotional and moody I was when I was pregnant. I would have felt like you do too. Hang in there! And keep us updated here. We all care...

And a big thank you to you and your DH for your service to our country!!!


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## michelleIL (Aug 29, 2004)

Y'all are cutie patooties! I love the place you have! Winter will be very nice, looking forward to winter pics of that land!


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## CheerfulMom4 (May 21, 2008)

Your place is beautiful!! 
I did notice something in what you wrote earlier..you talked about not working on the outside because you have to many priorities inside. I do this same thing exactly and have learned it doesn't do me any favors. It only makes things worse and makes me feel resentful because I can't do anything I enjoy.
In my experience if you want to plant the flowers go plant them, make a garden, etc. You will feel accomplished and like you have something. You have to enjoy yourself in this procress.  
You guys are doing amazing!!


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## Cliff (Jun 30, 2007)

twomeal said:


> Karen, I didn't take it too bad, but thanks for the apology. I really was looking for honest opinions, and bluntness works. I have a tendency to think the world revolves around me and it is necessary to get reminders that it does not. No hard feelings at all, hugs


Applauding you here my dear  We all tend to think that way but it's the rare person your age that realizes it and admits it and can apply it to their current situation  Lol I made a point to remind my son on a regular basis as he was growing up, in a funny way, that he was acting as if the world revolved around him. The story is that there are many alcoholics in my family. My grandfather regularly left the house for the bar in his robe and slippers, not caring who cared or that he was leaving my grandmother alone every evening to do so. So our code phrase, even now, is "robe and slippers!." I tell him that and he just laughs, but gets the point. Sometimes he says it to me about his own behavior lol.

OMG you have a big old barn and it's not even falling down!!! That's so awesome! You guys are more fortunate than you know with that property I think. It seems just perfect for homesteading. You could be completely self sufficient if you wanted to with that amount of land. The water is a huge plus. And the BARN! 

You will be fine, you are going thru a tough time right now but you seem very reasonable and have a good basic attitude I think. 

Nice looking family  And btw it's a good man who can raise a baby by himself  Those two will always be especially close I bet.


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## Mid Tn Mama (May 11, 2002)

Wow! Beautiful family and my gosh--WHAT A TALENTED MAN!!! When he finishes, no matter what job he eventually does, he will always be able to have a side-job no matter what! How many people can say that?

Do you realize how rare a man you have?


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## Tiempo (May 22, 2008)

Beautiful family, gorgeous property and the house looks like it's coming along great..you are a lucky girl!


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## shannsmom (Jul 28, 2009)

WOW!!! That land is beautiful! And the family is pretty cute, too:thumb:

I, too, am enamored of your barn! I have developed a strange fascination for pictures of weathered barns so they always catch my eye!


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

You have a wonderful property and a lot of us here would be happy with that property as a starting point.

I agree with the others. Pick one room and finish that first. Having one clean room to escape to when things get to be too much will help.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

With all that fertile land, you have so many options available to you on what you can do!

I realize that right now you're preggers, and need to work on getting ready for a new baby, and you are limited in what you can do. I'm going to be suggesting things that can be done over a period of years, as time and money allow. But you can start your planning and research now.

First, the pond. I agree, that if it can be enlarged, by all means, do it! It will increase the value of the place, and more importantly, you and your family will enjoy it. If you don't have mosquito fish in there yet, try to get some. They are small, about the size of guppies and they reproduce at a fast rate. They eat mosquito larvae and will make life better for your family. Some counties will provide them for free. We bought a couple of books when we bought our ranch, because we had a half acre pond that really needed help. So we got two books written by Tim Matson from his Earth Pond series. His website is here: Welcome to Earthponds.com : Ponds, pond design, and pond consulting

We have an old dock in our pond that is rotting. We think one of the horses walked out on the dock and broke through one of the decking boards. The dock is stationary. It doesn't float. So when the water level is high, it is completely submerged. When it is quite low, the dock isn't even over water. I want to build a floating dock. I've been researching it and have decided I'll probably use a dock built over plastic 55 gallon barrels for flotation. Most of our land is heavily forested, and we have pine tree "volunteers" encroaching into the apple orchard. When Hubby cuts some of them down, I would like to use the lumber from them to build the dock. He has a portable lumber mill, and can cut the logs into lumber. Then we will only be spending for hardware and the plastic barrels, which we get for $15.00 from our local feed store. You and your hubby could do the same thing down the road, as time and money allow. It is so peaceful and relaxing to sit by the pond and watch the fish jumping out of the water in the evening!

You have enough land to plant a fruit orchard. You probably need varieties of apples that don't need too many freezing hours. So when you are picking them out, be sure to look at your zone, but with your place, you should be able to grow just about any fruit that you want. You could put in several varieties of grapes and berries too!

You have room for a garden too. A big one, but don't get too ambitious and plant more than you can handle. The kids can help, and they take special delight in planting seeds and watching them grow.

Do you can your own food? If not, you are in the right place to learn. Many of the posters here at HT are skilled and experienced canners and will help with your questions, so don't hesitate to ask.

In an earlier post, someone mentioned getting your fields mowed. I would actually look to have someone pay you to cut your grass for hay. Until you have livestock grazing your land, you will have a choice of living with the tall grass, or getting it mowed. You clearly want it looking better. If you do this, you could make a little money too. I don't know if there are any HT'ers near you. You could ask neighbors or advertise on Craigslist. I would rather deal with neighbors. If you see haying going on in your area, you could ask them about getting yours done. Try to find out what the going rate is.

When we bought our ranch, it came with a 100 year old commercial apple orchard. Hubby wanted to love and tend those magnificent old trees, but had no plans on what to do with The fruit. I took it upon myself to try to market them. After experimenting with selling to other orchards, who sold out fruit direct t the public, we weren't making any money. Once I found a farm/ranch insurance policy that would protect us for liability, we were finally able to open for you-pick apples. We were finally making a modest profit from our ranch. 

I also registered our ranch with the film commission, and we have had two short movies filmed here, and several audio recordings made of gunfire sound effects. 

We won't get rich off our orchard, or the filming, however the ranch pays all or most of it's own bills from it's own income. And we treat it like a business. We claim all of the ranch expenses on our tax return, and declare all of our income from the ranch. We get a nice refund when we do this. 

Your house actually looks pretty respectable on the outside. If you plant some flowers, as your neighbor offered, it will really dress the place up. Don't forget to get some of the flowers that you have always loved. If your friend doesn't have them, get them somewhere else. If you get skilled at starting plants from cuttings, you will be able to really expand your flower and fruit producing abilities, and have some amazing plants!

Please keep coming back and let us know about your progress on your homestead. And we definitely want to know when your baby arrives!


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## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

Your place is gorgeous.

And...you are so lucky to have a guy who cares and is willing to do such beautiful work.

You are blessed. Soon, this will just be "the year we remodeled the house...."


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## Heritagefarm (Feb 21, 2010)

:shocked: That's a nice house, that really is. You have a lot to be grateful for.


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## TNnative (May 23, 2004)

TNHermit said:


> My advice would be to take one (1) or two (2)  rooms and fix those to completion. Forget the rest for the most part. Make them nice not perfect. More than likely It would be best if you took your bedroom and a bathroom. Concentrate on them. Make them nice. Make the bedroom a recluse to go to where it makes you feel good. Put an air conditioner in it, a stereo or whatever and you probably are going to keep the baby there for the first few. Keep those two rooms clean. Make them the focus. Bedrooms and baths are not that hard to fix up. Baths a little more. Make them nice not perfect because when you are done you will have learned so much you will want to redo them again  Spend time in the "nice" room when your talking,, not around all the death and destruction


I think this is excellent advice! :thumb: When you have one room completely finished, where you can walk in and just relax and think, ahh, then you will feel better.


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## TNnative (May 23, 2004)

chickenista said:


> Just fine except for the disgusting bathroom so small that you could lay your head on the tub while on the toilet and still drape your arm over the sink.


There is a silver lining to this, if you have food poisoning at least you can lay your head over the tub while you are on the toilet. :thumb: Don't ask how I know this.......




> They say that carpenters live in the most torn apart houses imanginable and I now believe it. sigh...


Just like the cobbler's kids go barefoot and the one I came up with, the auto body man's wife drives a dented up car......


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## Miss Kay (Mar 31, 2012)

Oh my gosh. What a blessed woman you are in so many ways. If you can't be happy here, you can't be happy. My guess is once things calm down you will realize this and thank him for his patience. Love your place and great family.


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## RebelDigger (Aug 5, 2010)

Hey you have a barn! Put all the cluttery building stuff that is driving you nuts out there. It looks like it has a good roof to keep stuff dry and getting it out of the house so you can deep clean will make a world of difference.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

> The consensus seems to be that getting rid of the place is probably not the best idea. I think I will stand behind that, although it feels so tough right now. Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for all the suggestions and stories of similar circumstances.


You have running water?! You lucky duck!!

We're living in a single wide, 30 year old trailer house with no central air or _plumbing_. My husband is working 700 miles away. Our "new" house is a basement with the beginnings of floor joists (because I've been busy this week!)
I keep a pretty chipper attitude most of the time, but there are definitely days though that I just get so frustrated with our lack of progress for so long that I could _scream_. :hair

Friend of mine said the other day (when I was talking about probably having hit a dry hole when we drilled our well) that it was a wonder I didn't just crawl in a corner sometimes and cry. I said I do. But eventually you have to come out of the corner and get back to work. And meantime, you've wasted all that time and energy!

For my part it's better to just laugh at my predicament and get on with it! 

So vent away. And at the same time, look for the humor.


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## twomeal (Dec 3, 2010)

Common Tator, those are some excellent suggestions and we will refer to them over time.

One of the first things we did here was start an orchard. It's very young and will likely be several years before we begin to see any actual fruit, but we have about 10 "trees." Several different apples and pears, peaches, blueberries, cherries and I can't remember what else (DH did the choosing). It has been nice to see them grow from twigs to taller twigs with lots of leaves 

Great advice about the mosquito fish, that is going to be a priority for the pond now.

We had some ducks, but they ran away to the neighbors pond HAHA. Poor DH loved those ducks but they never took to him as much as he tried. We do have a few chickens that are just now maturing but they are living in the barn. Gotta get to building that chicken tractor one of these days. We would eventually like icelandic sheep and a couple pigs.

As far as progress, I did end up making a list of what needs to be done, room by room. I only made the list for 4 rooms, because I got frustrated at that point, and I figured that was a good starting point. Since the babies room was the most finished already, we have been working on that for the weekend. It is now almost completely ready- just one last thing to do, and it will get done tomorrow! Unfortunately, no one spends much time in that room, but at least it will be done and we can move forward to the next.

I'm in nursing school and would really like to work when I'm done. I enjoy time away, and my husband says whatever I want to do. I would really like to get a 2 day shift where you work 20 hours a day. I know several hospitals in the area have nurses that work 16-20 hours every Friday and Saturday- they get a full time paycheck but only work 2 days of the week. That would be ideal for me. I'd like to do that while I'm young and able, and still have lots of time home with my family. My husband is in school to be a high school teacher but also has his contractors license.


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