# What Should I Expect From My Divorce



## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

My husband left me about 4 months ago. We will have been married 25 years this December 29th. He told me divorce was not on the horizon anytime in the near future. He said he would support me and, except for a 3 week period in which I received nothing, he has done very well sending me most if not all of his paycheck. The only problem with that is that his paychecks are now about half of what they use to be. He told me he would keep me on his group insurance at work.

Yesterday he called and said he's ready to move on and wants to start the divorce process. He says he wants to keep it peaceful so he can remember the "good times" we had. This is about the first nice thing he has said to me since he called and said he wasn't coming home to me anymore. He has thrown out many accusations against me as to why this is all my fault and actually believes he has done no wrong. During all the begging I did trying to get him to come back to me he even told me that if he hadn't left when he did or if he came back to me like I was wanting him to, that we would have made the news because he would have killed me and then himself. 

So I have been looking for work which has been a disaster. No one wants a 51-year-old, very overweight woman, who hasn't worked in 25 years. It was both our decision that I be a sahm. So I'm scared beyond scared about how I'm going to live. He wants to stop sending me support. He wants me to apply for disability, medicaid and food stamps. I don't want to have to do that. I want a job. I also asked about him keeping me on insurance and he now says "I don't know". I mentioned the 401K and he doesn't expect to get into that. I said how he would probably have to support me even into his SS retirement years because we were married for 25 years and he's only about 10 years away from retirement. Uh, no, he doesn't think so. 

So I'm lost and very scared. I found a lawyer in the phone book that I will go consult with on Monday morning. Only $25 for the consultation. By being late paying the light bill I will be able to pay that. I have no money otherwise. I'm not even getting enough money every week to pay the bills so I don't know if I will be able to pay for a good lawyer and I'm afraid that my husband will run all over me and I will get nothing.

Does anyone know what a sahm, after a 25 year marriage and her husband up and leaving her can look forward to in the divorce process this day and time.

Oh, also husband has said that I can have the house (which is no good, ceiling has already fallen through in 3 rooms amongst other things) and the 5 2/3 acres and he also says he will pay off the remainder of the truck loan (about $6,900). He says he is getting a loan using his 401k as collateral. Now if our divorce gets difficult he may take back saying that and fight for half of it. 

If anyone has read this far, I appreciate it and could use your advice. I honestly don't know what to do and what to expect. I never expected to be here at this stage of my life.


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## seedspreader (Oct 18, 2004)

"His" 401K is "Your" 401K also. Don't let him do ANYTHING with the money. 

Normally my advice is to try to work things out, but you need to protect yourself financially and physically first.

Get the lawyer pretty quickly.


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## Staceyy (Jun 16, 2007)

To my knowledge half of his 401k belongs to you by law, and he cannot borrow against it without your signature. Do you own the house and land free and clear? Can it be sold? Can you put a trailer on it and move into it? Can you start a work from home business or job? Do you have any children or relatives that can help you out? Do you have a food stockpile? Your attorney will be able to tell you what you can expect.


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## firegirl969 (Nov 3, 2008)

Since he left you and wants the divorce, make him pay for your attorney as well. I left my first husband after 18 years. I wanted a divorce, because I was totally miserable living with him any longer. We had 15 rough years, and I just couldn't take it anymore. He signed the divorce, but I agreed to pay for it. Ask the lawyer about that on Monday. Also, don't agree to anything without discussing it with your attorney first and don't SIGN anything either. I would also discuss with the attorney that he wanted you to stay at home and he supported you for the past 25 years and that now you are looking for a job and can't find one. My thoughts and prayers will be with you during this difficult time in your life. Blessings, firegirl


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## TJN66 (Aug 29, 2004)

Yes..you need to speak and retain and attorney. If you cant afford one then call legal services and they can refer you to someone that does pro bono work or someone that does it very cheaply. You should not give up anything or move out until told so by your own attorney. And do not listen to his if he has one. His attorney is only out for your husband not you.


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## Pizza Guy (Jun 5, 2006)

seedspreader said:


> "His" 401K is "Your" 401K also. Don't let him do ANYTHING with the money.
> 
> Normally my advice is to try to work things out, but you need to protect yourself financially and physically first.
> 
> Get the lawyer pretty quickly.


I'd like to second getting that lawyer asap. State divorce laws do vary and I am not informed of Arkansas laws but generally speaking after 25 years of marriage you should get half of *everything* you have accumulated during the marriage, plus alimony until you should re-marry. Of course you are free to negotiate other terms if you are so inclined. Insist he pays for your lawyer too since he's the one wanting the divorce.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

the Social Security - since you were married more than 10 years, you can file against his numbers and if more than yours - you get 1/2 (I think that's the amount) of what he gets. It has NO impact on his receiving his SS when time is right. (Unless government changes something between now and then). 

He's telling you what he can to keep you down and away from his = YOUR's too, assets. 

I hope your lawyer is very good, and you get strong - you may need the gumption or get ran over.

Angie


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## MN Gardener (Jan 23, 2008)

You will more then likely get half of everything and get alimony for a few years, at least until you can get on your feet. More then likely he will be forced to keep you on his insurance too. When you are old enought for social security, it will be based on his income because you were married to him more then 10 years. Check with some of your local job placement gov't agencies. They have training programs for women exactly in your situation. You can get through this, its just a bump in the road. Remember that the economy really sucks right now and getting into the work force might not happen right away. So if you need to use some type of assistance, just treat it as a temporary situation and realize the economy is taking its toll on everyone. I have a friend who has a lot of education, skills and experience who can not get a job and it does take awhile right now. I agree with the above poster, make sure you ask for attorney fees.


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## Carol from Upto (Dec 29, 2008)

Make sure you keep that appointment with the lawyer! 
The 401K money is half yours and you need to talk to the lawyer right away about how to stop him from borrowing on it.
I'm sorry you are going thru this, really I am. But you do have to protect yourself financially.


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## beaglebiz (Aug 5, 2008)

Could you work in a call center?? Can you walk a bit, and try to lose some weight? You will feel much better. Do you have a local community college that can train you for a job?? What about working with the elderly, like at the place that sets up the elderly in apts and gets them nursing care (Here it is county, "Agency on Aging")
Are you alone?? do you have an older son or daughter that can help you with some house repairs?
Can you sew? Alterations, or maybe even halloween costumes? 
One year, a neighbor friend was having some tough times, and his wife made and sold buckeyes. She bought the little boxes fudge come in, used wax paper, and sold them for $6 a lb. Delish.
Another lady I used to work with when I worked at an insurance company used to make butter /sugar frosted cut out cookies, and sold them by the lb. She did them for holidays, initials and such for a wedding or birthday. Back then they were $6 a lb also, but thats a while back.
Are you good with people?? Do you prefer to be outdoors?? What about animals?
Can you volunteer someplace (Like a nursing home, or the SPCA), you will gain some experience and confidence, and meet people to network with for jobs.

Are the 5 acres fields?? Can you rent them out to a farmer to grow hay or corn, or for grazing?
Just trying to come up with some ideas.


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## Fae (Mar 9, 2005)

Get that lawyer and stop being sentimental as of now. My brother went through this a few years ago with his wife of 32 years. He had to pay her lawyer and she gets half his 401K and SS. He would not fight because he "LOVED" her and wanted her back. She really took advantage of him and he would not listen to any of us. Now, a few years downthe road, he wishes he had. You are going to have to fight for what is yours. After 25 years of marriage, half of everything is yours.


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## mrswright (Jan 10, 2009)

rose2005 said:


> I'm sorry this has happened, and will be praying that you find the right lawyer to help you.
> 
> From what I know from friends divorces, do not talk to him about it. Talk to you lawyer instead. Hope you can both come out of this with what you both need.
> 
> Rose


Rose has given you great advice. Let the lawyers handle it. As far as the 401k, half is yours. I have no advice, just be strong and don't let him upset you anymore. Good Luck.


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## farmmom (Jan 4, 2009)

I would also recommend a restraining order to keep him from calling, writing or contacting you in any way, shape or form, or keep him from approaching you at home or in public. He sounds like he is potentially dangerous. All communication from him should go through your lawyer, at least until everything is settled, signed, and ordered.


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## Sara K (Oct 1, 2008)

He can take a loan out of his 401k without your signature unless you are an owner (as opposed to a beneficiary). He would have to pay it back with the interest rate. If he defaults the loan counts as an early distribution and is subject to taxes to the IRS and usually a 10% early Withdrawal penalty. We did this from my husband's 401k and I NEVER SIGNED ANYTHING but we made the choice together. Since I'm not an owner of the 401k my signature is not needed. This would directly impact your taxes if he defaults on the loan depending on how you file for that year.

Sadly you cannot go through a divorce thinking "he would never do that" about anything. I've seen the nicest couples have the ugliest divorces and I would have bet money "he/she would never do that" and guess what....they did that or worse.

Hugs to you, I'm so sorry you will be going through this.

Sara


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## Sabre3of4 (May 13, 2008)

You might look and see if the state has a Displaced Homemaker Program for ladies just in your situation(or widowed). They provide money for learning a new trade. While you're going to school, start walking or something to take the weight off. Missouri used to have one, I haven't looked for in the last few years.....
I also suggest Legal services and _listen_ to what they say. I had a friend who divorced a couple years ago and she seemed determined to give that so and so everything he wanted even if it left her and the kids with nothing. Your husband is trying to bluff you out of what's rightfully yours in the SS, child support and insurance. Make sure you talk to your lawyer about him paying for school if the state doesn't have a DHM program or if you just want to make him pay


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## Mrs. Homesteader (May 10, 2002)

I don't have any legal advice, but I truly feel for you and will pray for you.


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## Lizza (Nov 30, 2005)

Hugs and Prayers, I am so sorry you are going through this. I second Rose, stop talking to him and start talking to a lawyer, like someone else said since he wants the divorce make him pay for YOUR lawyer as well as his own. My Grandmother was a sahm and my grandfather left her for a younger woman after 25 years of marriage, he paid her alimony until the day he died, literally, she outlived him by about a year, and that last year after he passed she got his entire SS (his new wife also got the full amount, neither effected the other one), so you aren't totally desolate, you legally own half of *everything* and will most likely get alimony as well. My friend just divorced after 20 years of marriage and she also got half of his pension (military).


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## Dandish (Feb 8, 2007)

You've been given what I think is very good advice. I just wanted to give you a hug ((((AR Cattails)))). I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I hope you find the strength to stand your ground and do what you need to do to come out standing on the "other side." Please take care.


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## Witterbound (Sep 4, 2007)

#1 -- Go see the lawyer. If you don't like him or her, find another. It's important that you "click" with your lawyer, because he or she is going to be the most important person in your life until the divorce is final.
#2 -- Stop listening to your husband. I'd bet you $1000 bucks that he's been to see a lawyer already. "He wants to keep it peaceful, so he can remember the good times we had." Bull. He wants to keep it peaceful so he can bully you in how you split up your stuff.


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## Carolyn (Jan 5, 2008)

It happened to me at 44, I was married for 24 years when the divorce was final--yep all my fault, I ruined his life, blah, blah, blah. You will get 1/2 of everything he has by law. Be sure you get spousal support and health insurance. In ND, it is unheard of to get spousal support, but I got it for 3 years, go for more if you can and I found out that if I would have had a clause to have him pay me $1 a month after the time for spousal support was done so I could have reopened the case and I would have gone for medical insurance. SSI helps, but meager living, I did it until I got a small inheritance from my mother which ended my SSI. From the man at the SS office--when you turn 62, bring in your marriage certificate and your divorce decree and you do get half of his SS unless you remarry. I haven't looked any further than that because I have 10 yrs to wait, so I don't know if waiting until I am 65 will make a difference in the amount I will get. I agree with the others, get the best lawyer you can afford--keep your head held high and remember that you held everything together for 25 years, a SAHM is a very important job often not seen as such, but it is very important. You can do this--don't be scared, fear is what might take you down. You don't realize how strong you are and what talents are hidden in you--YOU CAN DO IT!! Don't let the lies he will come up with intimidate you. OH by the way--my ex's divorce to the second wife is final today--hmm he left for the love of his life, the only woman in the world that understood him--okkk the woman that drilled holes in the hood of his car and smashed his windshield when he hid in the mens room in a convience store while the store clerk called the police? Or the love of his life who tried to burn down his mobile home and had 2 loaded guns waiting for him when he came home mmm, the love of his life who had to put in the psych ward time after time and rehab while she went back to her first husband that she married and divorce twice. She waited until she hit the 10 yr mark, he filed, but she is cleaning house on him. Poetic justice. Hold that head up!! oh and my ex has come to family meals and to my house-because we have children together and he puts them in a bad situation--I won't make my children chose between him and I, its not fair to them, so even if he has a new girlfriend, they can come to my home and my family's homes for hollidays and birthdays.


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## garnetmoth (Oct 16, 2008)

in Ohio, the income that you have made during marriage is split half and half. 

and as far as I know, any loans or credit cards are in the holders name. If you cosigned, you are both liable. 

Good luck to you, and I hope you figure out a safe, decent solution


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

Boy, I Got Fired Up Tonight When I Read Your Message. Been There, Done It.
Rule #1 Don't Beg Him To Come Back, Don't Try To Bargain,don't Tell Him You Still Love Him, Don't Ask Him If He Still Loves You, Don't Call Him. Don't Beg Him For Anything. It Might Seem To Be The Thing To Do Right Now, But Looking Back 10 Or 15 Years Later, You Will Realize How Needy And Desperate You Sounded. Don't Be Wimpy! (this Is One Of My Biggest Regrets) Call Your Local Woman's Shelter And Ask Them If They Can Recommend A Lawyer. Be Sure You Have The Right One For The Job, Get One Who Specializes In Family Law.
By The Way, After All My Carnage Was Over, I Met A Real Nice Guy.


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## Tricky Grama (Oct 7, 2006)

Cattails, I'm so sorry. Prayers & good thoughts.
Listen to the great advice here.
Many of us have been there too. I went to college & got RN degree after divorcing. Was HARD! We'll be here for support.
Patty


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Thank you to everyone. I've seen wonderful answers to the questions I've been having.  It's very reassuring and I'll take it all with me to discuss with this lawyer Monday morning. I hope he is a good lawyer. He works just about every type of case from divorce to bankruptcy to criminal law to SS to family law. I think he might be the lawyer my husband and I went to a few years ago to give me power of attorney over him because he was always gone on the road so much and wasn't around if something needed to be signed.

The 401K is just in his name as it goes through his work. I don't remember ever signing anything to do with that. I don't know how much is in the 401k because I don't have access to it but I don't believe it's too much. I don't believe he was planning on drawing money out of it, just using it for collateral to get the loan. I thought it was a good thing for him to offer to do that because that takes away one of the bills that I was having to pay every month saving me $354 a month. The truck is in my name.

The house and land is ours free and clear but really isn't worth anything. The house was never kept up. We either never had the money for the repairs and/or he was never around to fix anything. So everything just kept getting worse and the house started literally falling apart. Of course he always blamed me for that and in the last couple of years started not even trying to pretend like he wanted to fix anything. He just told me to fix it and I have no skill for that. The land is half wooded and half open and lots of big rocks in it. Along the length of our land is a row of those big power lines. There is no fences and it's a big mess but that could be fixed with money and over time. He's been trying to get me to sell it for whatever I can get out of it and move from it. I am living away from it right now, at his insistence after he left me, because it is in such bad shape but I can't afford the rent at this apartment and will go ahead and move back into it pretty soon. Maybe I can eventually buy a cheap, used mobile home and park it there and finally become a real homesteader instead of always waiting for him to join me.

No I have no job, no skills, my children are both grown and my oldest and I live together in the apartment at present. There is no stockpile of food, barely enough to get by from one week to another. I will discuss with the lawyer about getting my husband to pay for the divorce since he is the one that wanted it. 

I had contacted legal aid services and they couldn't help me. I asked them if they could refer me to someone because I knew nothing about the attorneys in the phone book. But the lady told me she couldn't give me a referral.

The SS thing worries me the most since that's the only thing I can fall back on to get me through my old age. I will get nothing based on my own record because I hadn't earned enough credits up until the time I became a sahm. I think some of you think I will be elegible for half his SS even if he remarries so that comforts me. I will make it a point to ask the lawyer about this.

Thanks Beaglebiz for your list of employment suggestions. There were some good ones in the list. I live in a small town and have looked just about everywhere but will look more. I don't have any special skills but liked the idea of making the fudge and cookies. I'll look into that. 

Fae, I agree that I have to stop being so sentimental. I'm almost positive that he is counting on the fact that I still love him and will give into everything he wants. When we talked yesterday and he threw in that comment about how he hopes we can do this friendly so he can keep the good memories of our marriage I wanted to throw up. That's when I knew that I had to grow a backbone and fight because he was just looking out for himself.

Farmmom, I don't know about a restraining order but I will talk to my lawyer about it. Since he told me that, I have been looking over my shoulder a lot. I'd never dream that he could ever think of doing that to me but he opened my eyes. This past Christmas he also threatened to kill my nephew who was 19 and had made a smart remark to him. Before then and now what he said to me, I never saw that side of him in all our 25 years together.

I just checked and see so many other great responses and great advice since I started answering this thread. I thank you all for your experience, advice, support and prayers.

I did do a lot of begging him to come back to me, almost daily, for about the first month until he just insisted I stop. I did but texted him after that usually about money issues. I will not take any calls from him this weekend (not that I expect him to call) until I check with my lawyer to see what he says about that.

Oh, and seedspreader, I really did try to talk him into talking about it, to see if we can work it out. I wanted so bad to talk to him, to defend myself against all the charges he made against me. But he would have none of it. He just called one day and said he wasn't coming home to me anymore and over the next few days started accusing me of things, saying it was all my fault and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I never got to talk to him about it. It just doesn't seem right. I don't think it'll ever feel complete and done with because I never got my chance to reply back to him, to talk to him.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

I Hope I Did Not Sound Too Bossy In My Last Post. I Didn't Mean To. It's Just That When You Beg, It Makes -them- Feel Like -they- Are In Control. There Is No Reason To Stroke His Ego. If There Is Another Woman, There Is No Reason To Stroke -their- Ego. If This Was Premeditated, He Has A Jump On You Already, So You Need To Move Carefully.
I Really Feel For You. I Have Been There. I Did Not See Mine Coming. I Thought It Was The End Of The World, But Instead It Was A Wonderful New Beginning. I Know That May Sound Like Bull, But Have Faith. Things Will Get Better. It Takes Awhile.


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## ihedrick (May 15, 2005)

Get your own bank accounts and close credit cards! Pull whatever cash you have in any accounts that you can. See the lawyer and a few more! He has probably been stringing you along telling you one thing and doing another. He probably has had a lawyer for awhile now. Don't believe anythinng he says. Let your lawyer be your message taker.
And most of all; remember you are a beautiful person and no one can take that away! Things will work out; so don't give up. Be strong; even if you have to pretend to be strong. There will be plenty of time for tears, but time will heal all wounds. Big hug for you and will keep you in my prayers.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

No problem Budsmom. You are right. I did do a lot of begging in the beginning. He was crying a lot back then at the beginning. I think he felt guilty over what he was doing to me because I was hurting like I never knew it was possible to hurt (and still am). I'm not begging any longer. There may be another woman. He told me there wasn't when I asked him about a month ago if that's why he left me. But now I know he's capable of lying to me so who knows. He definitely has a jump on me. I'm sure he's either seen or talked by phone to a lawyer. I didn't understand exactly what he said but I think he said I would be getting something in the mail or someone would be coming down here to give me something. I'm not sure. 

I do feel like it is the end of my world. Like I've said somewhere before, I feel like I'm an old lady now who's been thrown away and I'm so alone and so lonely and I'm just to sit here day after day waiting to die. There is no joy in my life anymore at all. I have no friends, he was my everything...my whole world.


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## Windy_jem (Feb 19, 2006)

Stay tough and don't let him walk all over you!
Get what is yours (alimony plus half of everything) and let him walk off alone....


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## sgl42 (Jan 20, 2004)

first, sorry to hear about your situation. 

second, talk to the lawyer. state laws vary a great deal. some states it's very fair, other states it's not. anyone's comment here about what you're entitled too is only specific to their state, not to you. hopefully you're i a fair state. however, given that he's called and "made nice" a bit, chances are you live in a state that the laws are equitable. make sure you find out what rights you have to your husbands money now, when you need it for retaining a good lawyer. 

third, you mention sahm, but don't mention kids -- are they now living on their own? 

fourth, if you don't like the house, and can do better with the money rather than owning the house, you should be able to negotiate that, and take your portion of the value of the house instead. or given the current real estate market, you can negotiate a very low value for the house, and hence get more in cash from the 401k or other assets. depending on your ties to the community, where jobs for you might be, it might be easier to be able to move elsewhere to look for work and not be tied to a house. 

from watching my brother go thru a divorce 10 year ago -- it's a marathon, not a sprint. adjust your mental attitude for a long haul. get a lawyer who's a tough negotiator, and let him/her handle that part, and don't let your own positive/negative swings in mood about your marriage derail your lawyers negotiating strategy. at the same time, at certain points you'll have to determine what you want -- lawyers charge by the hour, and if you're indecisive they're happy to stall the process.

you might investigate various support groups for divorcing women. this is one of the most stressfull events you can go thru, and you'll probably do better if you get help from people that understand what you're going thru, and can give you the landmarks you're likely to see.

once again, i'm truly sorry for your situation, and i hope you and your lawyer can find an equitable financial agreement, even tho nothing is likely to balance the emotional impact.

--sgl


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## belladulcinea (Jun 21, 2006)

I would opt for school! What's your passion? Find something you want to do and go for it. At your age in life you would be surprised what is available out there for you. 

What a jerkface of a person to do this. But you can overcome this. As for the SS, that is a federal law, if you've been married for 10 years whether he remarries or not, you get a share of his SS.


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

I'm sorry this has happened to you and your family. Please remember a couple of things. See your attorney NOW. Your husband thinks of his income as his. It is not. It belongs to the family. Your husband, I'm afraid, is likely to to hide assets because he thinks it's all his. 

A second thing to remember is to take care of yourself. I'd suggest that you get counseling. You need to think more highly of yourself. Work on yourself. By that I mean work on making yourself strong. You don't need to beg your husband to come back to you. You need to learn to like and appreciate yourself as you are right now!

Please take care of yourself!


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## sgl42 (Jan 20, 2004)

i'd suggest spending the weekend to organize information for your lawyer, and also to generate a list of questions you have.



AR Cattails said:


> My husband left me about 4 months ago. [....] He said he would support me and, except for a 3 week period in which I received nothing, he has done very well sending me most if not all of his paycheck. The only problem with that is that his paychecks are now about half of what they use to be.


document this for your lawyer. dates, events, dollar amounts, etc. in some cases, this may be able to be construed as "abandonment".



AR Cattails said:


> ... I'll take it all with me to discuss with this lawyer Monday morning. I hope he is a good lawyer. He works just about every type of case from divorce to bankruptcy to criminal law to SS to family law. I think he might be the lawyer my husband and I went to a few years ago to give me power of attorney over him because he was always gone on the road so much and wasn't around if something needed to be signed.


if you live in a reasonably sized town, you might see if there are any lawyers that specialize in divorces/family law. the law can be very complicated in some areas, and sometimes that may lead a generalist to overlook something that may be useful. (on the other hand, i'd guess the lawyer having the right aggressive attitude is probably the most critical issue.)

there's some sort of law directory, that tells where each lawyer went to school, how highly rated they are (mostly by reputation, which may not always be accurate). not sure what it's called, but you might try calling your public library reference desk and see if perhaps they know what it is, whether they have it, and how to use it.



AR Cattails said:


> Farmmom, I don't know about a restraining order but I will talk to my lawyer about it. Since he told me that, I have been looking over my shoulder a lot. I'd never dream that he could ever think of doing that to me but he opened my eyes. This past Christmas he also threatened to kill my nephew who was 19 and had made a smart remark to him. Before then and now what he said to me, I never saw that side of him in all our 25 years together.


more info to document for the lawyer. i'm not a lawyer, but i have a hunch that death threats are generally frowned upon by judges. ;-)

whether you like it or not, a legal battle is an attempt to make the other person sound like the most horrible person on the planet. i'd guess people that know you would scarcely recognize whatever portrait the opposing side will try to paint of you. and vice versa. 

--sgl


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## AR Transplant (Mar 20, 2004)

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Sit back, take a deep breath and go one day at a time. I am sometimes comforted by the thought that it will get better. 

Every divorce is different, take the good advice offered here and use what you can. Get control of this situation. Stop asking him anything, tell him (for a change) how the cow is going to eat the cabbage. You are certainly entitled to his retirement and any other funds he has. Before your meeting make a list of everything you can remember about his financial situation. And make a list of everything you own, both in your name and his. List any places where he has accounts, and make a list of all credit cards and the balances. Then make a list of your monthly expenses and any future expenses that you know will be coming up. The more prepared you are for your meeting with your attorney the better, and with attorneys, time is money. 

Remember, keep a level head, try to stay calm and collected. Doing this will help ease the pain and get you through it as fast as possible. Stay out of the the river of denial and do what ever you need to do to keep strong. You won't get over this quickly, but you will get better, and have wonder life after all this is behind you. I wish you the very best.


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## deb (Jul 27, 2002)

Get a notebook and document everything. Note the time & date of call, every promise, the money he has given you. 

Ask the lawyer if he has ever had any contact with your husband or has ever done any work for him. You should never try to "share" a lawyer. You want your own lawyer on your side.

Open a new checking account in your name and put a password on it. Credit unions generally don't ding you for having a low account balance. Get a safety deposit box to store your important documents (birth certificates, marriage licenses etc)

If your name is on checking or savings accounts with him, then you have every right to access that money. Don't be surprised if he has closed those accounts, but be sure to tell your lawyer about it. 

Get a Post Office box in your name and use that as your "home" address. You don't want to lose letters from Social Security or have him find out your new checking account numbers because he went through your mailbox.

HTH
deb
in wi


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

I Know The Job Situation Is Not Good Right Now. Back When It Happened To Me, Things Were A Little Better. I Got A Job In A Factory Putting Things In Boxes. I Was 47, Fat And Out Of Shape. The Nice Part About The Job, It Required Very Little Thinking. It Was Thru A Temp Service. The Best Part About It Was, I Lost Quite A Bit Of Weight.
When I Got Laid Off, I Was Ready To Move On To A Real Job. I Had No Computer Skills. I Too Had Been A Sahm. Luckily I Found A Job That Offered Training. Sometimes I Got Very Discouraged. My Co Workers, And Worse Yet, My Bosses Were Young Enough To Be My Kids! I Would Not Be Here On This Computer Today Were It Not For Them. Act Your Age, But Be A Little Cool, And The Kids And You Will Do Just Fine. 
I Had Made Up My Mind Early On To Keep My Nose Clean, Stay Out Of The Bars, They Were Never My Thing Anyway, And That It Would Be Better To Be Alone Than With Another Loser. Yes, My Ex Thought He Was Really Somebody, (still Does) But I Soon Found Out What People Really Thought Of Him.
Does Your Husband Have A Pension In Addition To The 401? You Should Be Able To Receive Half Of That Too.
He Is Probably On A Real Ego Trip. Don't Let Him Belittle You Or Anything You Have Or Own, Including Your Home. My Self Esteem Had Been Ground Right Into The Pavement. Sometimes I Still Have To Stop And Remind Myself Who And What I Am. I Am The Girl Who Stayed Behind, I Did Not Run Off Somewhere Where No One Knew Me And Start A New Life Over And Pretend To Be Wonderful. I Did Not Always Hold My Head Up, But I Know I Could Have.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

Me Again. At The Time Of My Crisis I Received Some Help From A Book Called "moving On When He Moves Out" By Sally Conway. Jim And Sally Conway Wrote Several Books With A Christian Perspective About Men In The Midlife Crisis. Sally Is Now Deceased And Jim Has Remarried. I Think The Ministry Is Still Active. I Used To Get Letters From Time To Time Wanting Donations.

The Moving On Book Does Contain Some Good Practical Advice. I Was All Ready To Blame My Problems On Mid-life Crisis, But Luckily I Finally Decided My Ex Was The Creep That He Is And Quit Praying For Him And Making Excuses. He Had Had Affairs Before.

Please Try To Get Some Counseling. Even If You Just Sit And Talk To Someone It Helps To Get It Out. I Went To Our Local Mental Health Clinic For Awhile And I Was Not Real Impressed, But I Talked And Got Some Things Sorted Out.

Then Later On, I Tried Some Christian Counseling. This Was About The Time I Hit Bottom. Luckily The Man I Got Was Very Level Headed. His Father Had Left His Mother With Two Small Children When He Was Quite Young, And She Had Struggled To Support Them. He Told Me It Was Time To Quit Praying And Hoping For Reconciliation. He Said I Should Pray For Comfort And Peace For Myself And Begin To Move On. Put Him Aside. It Was Bitterly Cold Weather. Everything Was Going Wrong. 

I Tried So Hard. Hot Chocolate, Tea, Warm Slippers And Robe, Bubble Baths, Got More Rest, Just Day To Day Stuff. It Was Uphill, It Was Rough, But At Last One Day It Was Spring. 

And Just A Few Miles Away, There Was A Man Was Going Thru The Same Thing.
If I Had A Shopping List Of Men And Their Attributes, Like The Singles Sites Have, I Might Have Passed Him Over As Too Old, Instead Of Perfect For Me. Fall Came And We Met. I Was Ready. I Would Not Have Been Earlier,even Tho I May Have Thought I Was. Time Has Not Healed All Wounds. It Never Will. It Has Been 14 Years And I Life Is Good. I Wish You The Very Best.


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## wildwanderer (Mar 2, 2004)

This is not the end of your world this is the greatest freedom to start a brand new world, you will be amazed at what is possible. You are a SAHM you have some great skills, multitasking, child care, cooking, cleaning, organizing. You could probably in many areas, this is a chance to do whatever you want to do. This is a beginning for you a great gift. 
Take care of yourself- Thea


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## fransean (Dec 21, 2002)

{No one wants a 51-year-old, very overweight woman, who hasn't worked in 25 years.}

Just because you didn't earn a paycheck does not mean you didn't work. There are companies that will value what you have contributed to your family.
Not every job requires experience, there are options out there.

Options?
You raised your children

*child care center
*day care
*school - playground supervisor, lunchroom monitor, teachers aide

You shopped for your families needs
*mystery shopping (don't ever pay to join they pay you)
* cashier/teller (they will train you) go to all the department stores and banks
*merchandiser (not all these jobs require experience) check out Narms.com

Question........do you have a land line and a computer with high speed internet at home? Look into work at home jobs. If you like talking on the phone - well really at this point if you are comfortable  - check out all the work at home phone jobs on the website workplacelikehome.com (hope this is okay to post) Apply for everything! You never know who will be hiring until you give it a try.

Take a typing test online.
Have you served on any committees, done any volunteer work, been a member of a club at church? There are resources and work experience even if not paid.
You can create a resume with volunteer experience.

You are going to have to force yourself to get out there and tell everyone you know that you are looking for a job. Networking is the best way to get your foot in the door. 

You are only 51 and young yet. There are many people that start over at that age for one reason or another.

Don't give up he does not have the power to steal your joy only to end the way your life has been up to now.


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## glazed (Aug 19, 2006)

AR Cattails said:


> I didn't understand exactly what he said but I think he said I would be getting something in the mail or someone would be coming down here to give me something. I'm not sure.


This means he has already filed for divorce, and you will be served any day now. 

This thread just breaks my heart.

I wish, just this once, I could say a cussword...or two.


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## glazed (Aug 19, 2006)

Okay, just finished reading the rest of the thread. 

:flame: The ass. :flame: 

(Please don't moderate me ... that is a perfectly legitimate word ... for an animal.)

:viking: Okay. :viking:

Now I'm off to look up Arkansas family law ... be back later.


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## Rocktown Gal (Feb 19, 2008)

I am sorry for the situation that your husband has put you in. I can not add much...but I can say that when my brother and his wife divorced that his 401K had to be sold and divided. She had not signed anything either to do with the 401K. But it is considered money that belonged to both. If I were in your position I would fight for the 401K rather it was $1 or $50,000. You said you don't think much is in there...but you really do not know how much he has in that 401K and it could be very helpful to you in the long run.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

I started over at 44, all I worked was in retail and a few factory jobs, I was a SAHM mom for 22 years. I had no skills and no work experience to put on a resume. The state helped me go to school, to become an RN.
When I first applied for a job I had nothing to put on there either. The nurse recruiter encouraged me to list my skills AS a sahm, taking care of children, diet planning for them, etc 
I got the job and the nurse manager was glad to see that I listed those things as skills and thought of them that way


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## glazed (Aug 19, 2006)

Here is what I found for you. Very interesting:

_The circuit court shall have power to dissolve and set aside a marriage contract, not only from bed and board, but from the bonds of matrimony, for the following causes: 

No-Fault:
(1) *When husband and wife have lived separate and apart from each other for eighteen (18) continuous months without cohabitation*, the court shall grant an absolute decree of divorce at the suit of either party, whether the separation was the voluntary act of one (1) party or by the mutual consent of both parties or due to the fault of either party or both parties; 

Fault:
(1) When either party, at the time of the contract, was and still is impotent; (2) When either party shall be convicted of a felony or other infamous crime; (3) Be addicted to habitual drunkenness for one (1) year; (4) Be guilty of such cruel and barbarous treatment as to endanger the life of the other; or (5) Offer such indignities to the person of the other as shall render his or her condition intolerable; (6) When either party shall have committed adultery subsequent to the marriage. (Arkansas Code - Title 9 - Chapters: 12-301) _


^^ (Makes you wonder what his said "grounds" will be ... wonder what he is going to accuse you of?) ^^


_Property Distribution: Since Arkansas is an "equitable distribution" state, the marital property shall be divided in an equitable fashion. Equitable does not mean equal, but rather what is fair. The court will encourage the parties to reach a settlement on property and debt issues otherwise the court will declare the property award.

*If the parties can not come to agreement on the division of the marital property, the court distributed one-half (1/2) to each party unless the court finds such a division to be inequitable. In that event the court shall make some other division that the court deems equitable taking into consideration: (i) The length of the marriage; (ii) Age, health, and station in life of the parties; (iii) Occupation of the parties; (iv) Amount and sources of income; (v) Vocational skills; (vi) Employability; (vii) Estate, liabilities, and needs of each party and opportunity of each for further acquisition of capital assets and income; (viii) Contribution of each party in acquisition, preservation, or appreciation of marital property, including services as a homemaker; and (ix) The Federal Income Tax consequences of the court's division of property. *(Arkansas Code - Title 9 - Chapters: 12-315) 

Spousal Support: Not all cases involve support from one spouse to the other. The obligation of one spouse to support the other financially for a temporary or permanent basis is decided on a case-by-case basis as agreed to by the parties or at the court's discretion. 

When a decree is entered, the court shall make orders concerning the alimony of the wife or the husband and the care of the children, if there are any, as are reasonable from the circumstances of the parties and the nature of the case. Unless otherwise ordered by the court or agreed to by the parties, the liability for alimony shall automatically cease upon the earlier of: (A) The date of the remarriage of the person who was awarded the alimony; or (B) The establishment of a relationship that produces a child or children and results in a court order directing another person to pay support to the recipient of alimony, which circumstances shall be considered the equivalent of remarriage; or (C) The establishment of a relationship that produces a child or children and results in a court order directing the recipient of alimony to provide support of another person who is not a descendant by birth or adoption of the payer of the alimony, which circumstances shall be considered the equivalent of remarriage. (Arkansas Code - Title 9 - Chapters: 12-312)_


Source: http://www.divorcesource.com/info/divorcelaws/arkansas.shtml

Get an attorney ASAP!


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## goohsmom (May 10, 2009)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The whole "trying to be friendly" line sounds very much as if it's his way of making sure you don't get strong and smart.

When you speak with your attorney Monday, ask him how to go about researching all of your husband's financial holdings. You might find that he has more resources than you thought. 

Here's a link to the Arkansas Rural Development Program: http://www.rurdev.usda.gov/ar/programs.htm. I didn't look through it, but they offer grants and low interest loans to low-income residents of rural property in need of repair. 

Also, contact all of your utilities and creditors and let them know the situation you're in. Many of them have programs available to at least extend your payment times while you get back on your feet.

Sending huge hugs your way.

Pam


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

First, let me say that I sympathize with you and empathize where I have personal experience.

Second, this thread makes me very sad - and embarrassed - of the way that many males treat their wives.

Finally, I'll say that there are several different ways that men act when in this situation, whether or not they created it.

*LOST*
There are those who wrapped too much of themselves up in the other person and have failed to keep anything of themselves. These men may beg, plead, threaten all kinds of things, and act irrationally for some period of time (weeks or months). These men may or may not have ever acted this way in the past but would always have been focused on themselves and their needs to the exclusion of others.

*MANIPULATIVE*
These men run the gamut from dependent to controlling, from begging to threatening, and there is always a 'face' of reason or grace (kindness). They act like they want to get along, but you always feel like there's something more there. These men have always been either manipulative or passive-aggressive in life. They may view themselves as "above others" and they don't want to be viewed as 'desperate'. Fiercely dedicated - for a short time - to those things they like and begrudging of the rest, they have made a life out of getting others to do what they wanted them to do, without ever asking. Sometimes these men were 'complainers'.

*VIOLENT*
There are those men from the first two categories that only know one way to solve anything, through physical intimidation and violence. They will likely stop at nothing to win the battle, and they view the spouse as 'destroying' their lives. Sometimes these men will act on these feelings, and we - tragically - see these stories in the news.

*STALWART*
There are some men who have developed their God-given ability to compartmentalize to the degree that they seem unmoved by the dissolution of their marriage. These men can still be roused to anger during the proceedings, but they quickly cool and come back to a reasonable center. They will view this as another phase in a relationship, one they are not in full control of. These men are a subset of those who never seemed to make connections to anyone, who never had very high emotions, and on rare occasion, those who were incredibly passive.

It sounds, from your posts, like you have that second one. If I had to guess percentages I would say that - in this country - we would see 40% Lost, 40% Manipulative, 5% Violent, and 15% Stalwart.

_Disclaimer: All of this has been my own opinion, from watching and counseling men in several states. It is not a 'study' and I've only really watched men for 20 years, not a lifetime and not more than a generation or two._

R

P.S. My wife was a SAHM for 17 years, and has recently gone back to work 1 or 2 days a week (on the rare occasion 5) doing late-shift in-home care for geriatrics.


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## ihedrick (May 15, 2005)

I was also gonna say that the "something is on its way" is yoou gettinng served with the divorce papers.
I was also gonna say some bad words too (just thinking of that 'animal'), so how's the word dag-nabit, gosh darn it, and fiddle sticks?
Fight for everythinng you can; you worked for it so why shouldn't you get it. You can get an idea of the financial situation by looking at copies of your back taxes. It may show exactly what he has been making, money put into retirement accounts, etc.


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## Big Dave (Feb 5, 2006)

Here is advise from some who works with broken families everyday, ME.
THIS IS URGENT
The time he has been away from you he has been a busy man. If he has gotten an attorney and papers have been filed you are a sitting duck!!!! Leave your home, stay at a friends do not answer your door to anyone or let then see you thru the window or doors. Do not let anyone else answer your door or let them know where you receive mail.This even means law enforcement officers.
THE FIRST ONE SERVED has the upper hand in the divorce proceedings. 
Go to your lawyer and get your papers filed Filing fees are $140-$170 depending on your area. An uncontested divorce runs $350 -$500 with half down and the rest before the end date. Even if this lawyer is not the one for you get your papers filed and served before you get served or you are pooched. Play duck and cover till this is done or all the bad stuff will really start happening to ya. 
DO NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR HOUSE OR ANY THING ELSE UNTIL HE IS SERVED !!!!!
Hope this is not too late.


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## CherieOH (Jun 10, 2005)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know you don't need to hear how you will get through this and be a much stronger person for it and other such stuff right now. The truth is that what is happening to you right now just plain stinks! You have been given a lot of good advice though, and I just want to emphasize the need to be armed with as much documentation as possible when you see your lawyer. The better equipped he/she is, the better his/her accomplishments will be for you. Also, the more you do means the less your lawyer will have to do, thus lowering your bill. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep us up to date on what's happening.


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## Ozarkquilter46 (Jun 5, 2002)

my girlfriend in La. got divorced and her husband had a 401K and it was just in his name. It was half hers and when he tried to get a loan on it (yes you can take money out of it as a loan) he needed her to sign because he was married and she refused. She got half. But now on there truck they had a loan and they had to split it also. She got suport for 7 years as they were married 14. Suport for half the years you were married.
As for me my husband has a 401k and he has only had it 5 years and its worth 19,000 and thats after loosing 1/3 in the crash. Ask your lawyer if there is a way to find out a way to see if he has any hidden accounts. You say your suport is only half what is had been. He may have been putting alot back knowing he was gettin ready to ask for a divorce. I think you can run a check with his social to see what comes up but I am not sure. 
Divorce is so hard but stand firm. He will say your trying to take him to the cleaners but if your only asking for your half and no more then Your Not!! don't feel bad you were half of the marrage and half belongs to you.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

I Hired The Best Lawyer In The Area. He Was Expensive, And Worth Every Penny. I Needed $1,000 For The Retainer, Which I Did Not Have. My Ex Cleaned Things Out Pretty Well, And Was Not Much For Saving Anyway. We Did Have Net Worth Tho. I Dreaded My Trip To The Bank. I Banked At A Small Local Bank, And They Turned Out To Be One Of My Best Friends. They Did Not Like Him Either. Over The Years, They Have Been Just Wonderful To Me. I Would Not Be Where I Am Today Without Their Guidance And Help.

I Went To The People We Owed Money To, The Feed Store, The Fertilizer People, The Doctor, And Explained My Situation. They Were Kind To Me.
I Sat On The Phone One Day With A Kind Lady From The Electric Company For Almost An Hour Who Listened To Me Cry. 

I Think Being Upfront And Showing Good Intentions Is Important. Honesty Is The Best Policy. This Brings Me To Another Point, You Do Need To Discover All Your Assets, But You Also Need To Discover All Debt Too. There May Be Some Of That You Don't Know About, And It Can Be A Nasty Surprise. Your Lawyer Needs This Too.


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

You hang tough and listen to everyone here. You get Half of everything. And don't let a Lawyer make this take too long. If anyone has Heard him make threats to anyone it is easer to get a restraining order. Find a place that deals with abused Women, men that threaten are the most dangerious at this time in your cituation. Hugs, and I'll be praying for you.


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## JanS (Jul 28, 2002)

Seems to me that if he were giving you ALL his check, he would not have anything to live on. Makes me wonder if his pay is really half what it used to be, or if that's just the half you're seeing.

I think your first step has to be to get a job. It's true that with schooling you can get a better job. But you need to see that you CAN bring in some money and that little success is going to be fantastic for your self-esteem. If you get a face-to-face interview, go in with a spring to your step and a sparkle in your eye. Explain that you are excited to get back into the work force, that you miss being around adults and can't wait to get back out there. You'll have much better luck getting the job if they believe you really want to be there rather than showing up on their doorstep out of desperation.

Good luck to you! It's hard now but this is your time to become the amazing woman we all know you can be. Someday that man is going to look at you and wonder what the heck he was thinking when he let you go. But you'll be long past him.


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## Tricky Grama (Oct 7, 2006)

WindowOrMirror said:


> First, let me say that I sympathize with you and empathize where I have personal experience.
> 
> Second, this thread makes me very sad - and embarrassed - of the way that many males treat their wives.
> 
> ...


Sorry for the thread drift but just wanted to say, WOM, if you are anything like you normally post, you are a wonderful person.

sincerely,
Patty


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## ronbre (Apr 26, 2009)

first get a laywer, then go directly to social services and get help with the bills and with the house repair, then go to your unemployment and put in applications for jobs..and then go to the social security office with statements from all your doctors as to your disabililities if you have them and apply for ssd.

then when you are at the social services get a list of food banks and free food distribution points as well as a list of subsidized housing..

put in applications for subsidized housing..as you probably will lose the house you have..esp if the roof is falling in..most subsidized housing charges you 1/3 of your income..if you have no income the rent is 0.

you may end up on a waiting list.

in the meantime..see if you can get someone to rent your house with the promise of repairing it to live in it as their first several months of rent..that way you can get the house fixed up..this however might keep you from qualifying for subsidized housing.

or advertize to "RENT OUT" room and board to someone who will help to repair the roof..for their cost of their housing while you still live in the house.

good luck


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## giddy (Nov 14, 2006)

A bunch of us have been where you are right now. No one can say that divorce is not tough. And believe me, it can get a LOT tougher before it's over. Hopefully, your lawyer can find out if he has been signing over assets (or selling them for $1 to one of his buddies). From someone who walked away from 24 years of marriage with absolutely her clothes, TAKE HALF of all of it! He is snowing you to cover his ASSets. A man will do many things you would never believe him capable of when it comes to money. You played right in to his game when you were begging him to come home. You can't make someone love you. He sounds like a real jerk. Anyone who says a SAHM doesn't work has never been a SAHM. That's why you don't hear the term SAHD. My prayers are with you. You will get through this and I know you don't believe this now, but someday you'll be able to walk up and tell him thankyou! Just be sure to duck when you do-they really don't like that! Talk some long walks, breathe that good Arkansas air and enjoy the changing fall colors. Look and see if some of your local churches have a divorce program. It's counseling, activities, and just general help with getting thru this tough time. Good luck, you can do this. Like someone else said, this is YOUR chance to start fresh a new life for you. Make the most of it! Oh, by the way, divorce can be the best diet pill you've every had.


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

Tricky Grama said:


> Sorry for the thread drift but just wanted to say, WOM, if you are anything like you normally post, you are a wonderful person.
> 
> sincerely,
> Patty


Thank you Patty, and thank you for being wise enough to know that we are not (only) what we share online. I ain't what I need to be, and I ain't what I'm gonna be, but praise the Lord, I ain't what I used ta be! 

By the by... I was that second one... still am if I follow me and not the Lord.

-------------

To all the posters that say there's something more going on here, I tend to agree.

R


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## bluemoonluck (Oct 28, 2008)

1) Find the best attorney you can, preferably one who specializes in family law.

2) Trust that attorney and take his/her advice. That's what he/she is getting paid for, and they know way more about things than you do.

3) Stay strong, and try to think long-term - no snap decisions, and consult your attorney about EVERYTHING. I agree that you should no longer communicate with your soon-to-be ex; all should be routed thru your attorney.

In most states, the law supports the status-quo of the marriage. So if he was supporting you before the divorce, he will be required to support you after the divorce too. Don't worry about anything, if you have a good attorney he/she will guide you thru the process and make sure you don't get screwed.

I'll be sending positive energy your way.... I'm genuinely sorry you have to go thru this. Welcome to the club......


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Wow, I never expected so much response and advice. Thank you. It is so overwhelming, so much I have to plan for and do. I've never really been a strong person. More of a follower type and dependent on other people...like my husband. You all got me looking back throughout my marriage, even from the beginning to look for signs and I now see that there were. One very obvious one I saw even before we ever married was how moody he was. He would go days without speaking to me if he ever perceived some wrong I did him. Most of the time after we eventually made up it would turn out that he was wrong in assuming what he thought I had done to him.

It's very important for me to say that I know I made some mistakes in our marriage. Who hasn't after 25 years? And I have apologized for them and coudn't have felt worse about them but they were never anything that I feel would be determined to be grounds for divorce. But I guess I will see whenever I receive the divorce papers, which I now see I should be playing hide and seek from the server. I sure don't want to be served first. But I don't know of anywhere I could go that he couldn't find me.

WoM - thanks for that list. I see my husband in the first two categories and in this past year I have now seen him in the third. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

JanS - I don't receive his trip reports and pay settlement by mail anymore like I always use to (I just noticed that). But until he remembers this, I still receive the information online. I'm sure he has overlooked it for now but will remember it eventually. So every week I can look online and see how much his paycheck is. It's not much different than it's always been. He usually takes one or two hundred dollars out for expenses and then the rest he sends to me. Two or three times he has kept out an additional hundred dollars. I guess for attorney fees to get this divorce going.

Big Dave - I wish I had somewhere to hide. I could stay indoors and not go out until Monday for my appt. I wonder if that was the "real" reason he was asking me for pictures of our place and the vehicles, tractors and stuff, and of my apartment. I didn't know better and believed him when he said he may have found someone that may be interested in buying our place. But I bet he wanted those pictures for his attorney. Geez, I was so trusting in him, right up until my bitter end. But I didn't see any reasons for him to see pictures of my apartment so I didn't send him those.

Mama Crow - thank you for all your research into AR divorce law. I want to be sure and not have the divorce finalized until after our 25th anniversary because I hear that it will go better for me if I made it past the 25 year mark. I don't know if that is true or not. I figure we already have at least 7 months down on the 18 months of not living together as man and wife.

I can't wait to get this divorce rolling now. And that's because so many of you have given me hope that life can be good afterwords. I'm so hoping that will be true in my case. Thank each and every one of you for your words of advice and your prayers and your experience. I will be referring back through this thread a lot over the next few days to glean every possible bit of information I can out of it to help me in my case. I will keep you updated when something happens.

If you have anything else that might help me please feel free to share. I'm sure this will help a lot of other women going through the same thing in their lives.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

Giddy Is Right About Divorce Programs. In A Group Like That, Everyone Is In Different Stages And The Friendshi, Support And Discussion Is Very Helpful. Someone Will Be There For You, And You Will Soon Find Yourself Encouraging Someone Else. One Of My Very Best Friends Today Is Someone I Met At A Singles Group. When I Say Singles Group, I Don't Mean A Dine And Dance Group Either, "a Meat Market " Stay Away From Those, A Lot Of Them Are Bad News.

I Mean A Support Group. Most Of Them Have Some Fun Activities Also.

I Want To Add Also, Your Posts Show Good Grammar, Spelling And Are Well Composed. You Communicate Very Well. This Is A Huge Plus For You. With Winter Coming, Have You Thought Of Being A "live In" Care Giver For Someone. That Would Help A Lot With Your Immediate Needs. See If Your Local Fire Departments Ot Hospitals Teach Classes In Cpr.


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## featherbottoms (May 28, 2005)

AR Cattails said:


> "...he would have killed me and then himself..."


Please, make sure that your attorney knows this. 

I wish you peace.

fb


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## featherbottoms (May 28, 2005)

And also, take time this weekend to WRITE DOWN things you want to tell the attorney. So many times we go into a meeting sure that we will remember everything. That rarely happens and then there are all of those "I wish I'd remembered to say..ask...tell...mention" moments just after leaving the office.

fb


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Budsmom - you are the second person that has suggested to me that I might ought to look into taking care of the elderly in their home. I'll probably look into that. I don't remember if I already mentioned this but I was thinking about going back to school and taking a quick 4-week course offered here for nursing assistant. 

I use to be a secretary before I got married. But we had no computers then and thus I have no computer experience which everyone today wants you to have. I don't blame them. But I would need to take a refresher type course on computers too.

featherbottoms - I will for sure make a list of everything I can think of before I go into my appt. Monday morning. Thanks.


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## JanS (Jul 28, 2002)

AR, we have something in common! I was also a secretary before becoming a SAHM and now a widow. I'm 47 and the computer age passed me by. Now I want a job but don't think I'm interested in secretarial work anymore. With the baby boomers growing older, the medical field does seem like the place to look. My sister is in charge of a nursing home and tells me assistants make pretty good money and are so in demand that training isn't often necessary. Not saying you shouldn't get the training....just that ladies like us might find success there. Good luck! I can see the wheels turning and you already sound more hopeful than you did in your first post.,


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## Aohtee (Aug 26, 2003)

Please stop worrying about being deceived. The things your husband has done says more about his character than about yours. You believed in your marriage and held to that belief until shown otherwise. Things will come to light in the next few weeks and months that will almost destroy your faith in yourself and the judgments you have made. Don't let this affect the decisions you have ahead of you.

To help believe in yourself again, make a list of all your accomplishments. Everything, from learning to escape from your crib, learning to tie your shoes, to finding the area of a cylinder, or being the person everyone comes to to have a splinter removed. Nothing is too trivial. Make the list as through as you can. Keep it with you, add to it whenever something pops into your mind.

Whenever you doubt yourself, take a look at the list and how much you have accomplished.

At some point, hopefully soon, you will need to decide whether to be a follower or a leader in your own life. Knowing what you have accomplished will help you decide what you can accomplish.


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## Tricky Grama (Oct 7, 2006)

WindowOrMirror said:


> Thank you Patty, and thank you for being wise enough to know that we are not (only) what we share online. I ain't what I need to be, and I ain't what I'm gonna be, but praise the Lord, I ain't what I used ta be!
> 
> By the by... I was that second one... still am if I follow me and not the Lord.
> 
> ...


I like your "ain't litany"!
No one is perfect, we can only trust the Lord.

Patty


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## booklover (Jan 22, 2007)

AR Cattails said:


> I use to be a secretary before I got married. But we had no computers then and thus I have no computer experience which everyone today wants you to have. I don't blame them. But I would need to take a refresher type course on computers too.


I'm sorry you are going through this.

A suggestion for the computer skills... have you checked out your local library for classes? Often they offer basic lessons for free. The one I work at does and, if I do say so myself, we're good at being patient and teaching the basics very thoroughly. Many people have commented over the years that it has helped with their job seeking. Good luck to you!


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## Kathleen in WI (Nov 27, 2003)

AR Cattails, you should check into getting on Food Stamps. I know you don't want to , but it will open many doors that you need right now to get on your feet. If you are approved for Food Stamps, you can get other assistance as well. One I can think of off the top of my head is a program called HEAP. They help pay your heating bills in the winter but they also help with weatherizing your home. If your house needs work, this can be a step in the right direction. It seems like there is another program in Arkansas that helps people get home repairs, but I don't remember it right now. I used to have a database of places that helped in Arkansas, but that was years ago. 

Also, there is (or was) a program through the U of A that provides legal help to those who are low income. See if you can check into that if this lawyer doesn't work out. There is a great deal of help that may be available to you. Use it! Those programs are there to help people who need a hand up. This is only temporary so you shouldn't feel guilty about asking for help when you need it.

Also, as someone else has mentioned, there are lots of companies that hire people to work at home answering phones. You won't get rich off of it but it will be something. There are also programs for "displaced homemakers" that provide you with job training. Ask at the DHS office as well as the employment office. 

Have you ever considered getting into nursing? Many places will pay for you to be trained and then give you a job. I know they do CNA training (in fact, there used to be a school in Fayetteville or Springdale that provided the training and hooked you up with places that would pay and hire you). Also ask about TEA at DHS. They will provide you will training, help you find a job and give you some cash to live on.

Here is are links to check out to get your house fixed up a bit:

http://www.arkansas.gov/dhs/dco/ocs/

LEAP

Weatherization

Call and see if you can qualify. Personally, I wouldn't give up the house but that's my personal opinion (after waiting so many years to have a home of my own, you'd have to kill me to take it from me, but that's just me).

Anyhow, these are just a few things to check on. There are many more but my head hurts today and I'm not that into the whole researching thing today.  Sorry. I can look up more later if you'd like. I hope this is some help. Be strong. The one thing you must always keep in mind through all of this is that you are a wonderful, valuable, precious person--no matter what he wants people to believe. He'll get his. Don't worry.


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## Strange Bear (May 13, 2002)

If you can type you are ahead of the game. One stay at home job that you might investigate, or at least extra money, would be to type resumes for people. maybe you can advertise at the local university. Word of mouth. You might invest in some good quality paper.
Good luck and wish you well


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

JanS - I think I am going to check into the medical field. The local technical college here offers a 4 week course to become a cna and I've heard that you can try to get a hospital, nursing home or such to pay for the course if you come to work for them. So I'm going to look into that. If I do get employed doing that, I can go on to college perhaps to move on up the medical career ladder such as become a LPN and then eventually a RN. Just thinking off the top of my head.

Aohtee - yes I am afraid the next few weeks/months will destroy what little faith I have in myself and my self-esteem which is already very, very low right now. But I know this is something I have to do and will try my best to get through it with my head held high. I'm ready to move on too.

booklover - actually the local technical college offers a free computer course as part of their adult study programs. I meant to have checked into it by now but my mind is all over the place and I forgot. Will make a note. Thanks.

Kathleen in AR - I actually went by the food stamps office a few weeks ago to pick up a form. I brought it home and filled it out but never took it back to set up an interview. I do hate to get on food stamps for one thing but also I just don't know if I qualify. With my husband sending me what he has for the last few weeks, I thought I may be making too much money to qualify. He can make next to nothing one week and several hundred the next. It's hard to put a set figure on how much he makes not to mention how much he will send me from that amount. It's so hard to tell. Thanks for the links and all the other advice. I will check it out for sure. Thanks.

Strange Bear - thanks for the suggestion on typing to earn some extra cash. I had thought about advertising somewhere that I can do some typing work for people. The only problem I thought of was that I don't have a printer and it seems like I would probably need one.

Well, I guess I should head out to my home place to feed my cats. I do want to stay there, especially since my husband has told me I can have it. But I guess he could change his mind if the divorce starts to get complicated. I do have power of attorney over him and I wish I could make a legal document showing he has given me all of it so I can get it off my mind and know I have a home for the future. Then I would try to have the worst part of the house cut away and make kind of like a studio apartment or something like that. Then I can start learning how to do some homesteading like I've always wanted to.

Thanks again everyone. You are all so awesome. Here's hugs to you all. :grouphug:


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## Strange Bear (May 13, 2002)

You could go to the library and print from there. Our library you have to pay 5 cents per sheet. Pretty cheap. Maybe you would make enough to get a printer. The librarian would probably frown on money changing hands in the library though so...


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

To All Of You Old Timers With Office Experience Who Are Afraid Of The Computer Age. Don't Be! If You Mastered Typing, The Computer Is A Piece Of Cake. If You Make An Error, You Can Fix It. Believe Me, I Was The Biggest Flunky Around And I Learned! You Can Do It!!!


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## quietstar (Dec 11, 2002)

Without reservation, I hope you get exactly what you deserve from the all knowing justice in heaven and this long suffering man...Glen


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## Staceyy (Jun 16, 2007)

If you don't want to get on food stamps, check out www.angelfoodministries.com. Put in your zipcode to see if there are locations near you. Do you know how to garden? If not, this could be a good time to learn. Another post on this forum stated people sometimes advertise free mobile homes on craigslist and freecycle. I'd keep checking these sites.


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## Jennifer L. (May 10, 2002)

I didn't read the other responses, so I don't know what other advice you've gotten or how many times you gotten this one: You need a REALLY GOOD LAWYER. This "I want to remember the good times" is code for "I want to ease through this with you thinking I'm going to be fair and nice to you until it's too late and I've gotten the hog's share." 

He's decided he wants a divorce, so you know he's already contacted a lawyer, and he's now in the process of softening you up so YOU won't fight and make sure you get your half of the assets. Which includes everything you've done together as a family for those 25 years.

Don't settle for just any lawyer. Make sure they have a good reputation for taking care of their clients. What happens in that divorce court is going to determine for a very large part how good the rest of your life is. You may not want the divorce, you may still love the guy, but he is your enemy in the courtroom and he won't be there to make sure everything turns out fine for you.

Treat him fairly, but make sure you treat yourself the same way. 

Good luck.

Jennifer


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## ihedrick (May 15, 2005)

Did you give him the pictures of all the assets? He is using them to get values. Either low or high to fit his needs. If he is giving you one vehicle he will get high estimates on its value. The vehicle he keeps will have low estimated value so that it looks like you are getting the better or atleast equal deal. your lawyer can guide you on getting your own estimates so that assets can be divided equally. Make sure if there is any sale of assets that it is either done jointly or verified by independent third party.


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## Beltane (Nov 27, 2005)

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I truly feel for you and I will be thinking of you. In addition to all the great advice that has already been given here, the only thing I can think to add would be to contact the community action agency closest to you. They can help with food, bills, heat, support services, etc. http://www.acaaa.org/ I work for our local community action agency here in NH. Please keep us posted on how things are working out.


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## Tim1257 (Feb 20, 2006)

Call the bank first thing Tuesday unless yours is open Monday. If you have joint accounts, they need to be frozen.


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

I am sorry that you are being hurt. 

A few thoughts/ suggestion:

Gather the latest bank accounts, tax values of the land/house and his retirement/401K statements. Make lists of your bills--include EVERYTHING. 

Do not go to the lawyer's office 'empty-handed" Be prepared with lists, numbers, contacts. Get est. on what it will cost to repair your home and get it livable...Most est. are free. Call the bank and get a statement sent to you or pull it up on your computer. Call the courthouse and ask about the deeds--get copies.. 

IF you don't have a stock pile of food, contact your local food bank and ask about what you need to get on the list. 

Go to the free health clinic and get a physical---complete physical w/ blood work.. Do it for YOU!!! DO it now.. The added stress will cause what every problems you have now to be multiplied by 1000!!! Get under the care of a doctor. 

IF you aren't walking----start...IF it's only down the hall 10x's a day...next week do it 20x's.. DO NOT 'go to bed and pull the covers over your head"... This my dear is the first day of the rest of your life....Get busy....

Prayers for you and your strenght thur this....QB


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## TwoAcresAndAGoat (Jul 19, 2003)

I can't help you with advice on your divorce but if you need any assistance you can call 211. That is the national number for the United Way. They can give you advice on what assistance is available to you in your area. You can even call them if you don't know who else to call, they have councilors that you can talk to.

other information for the United Way for Arkansas

http://www.arkansas211.org/
211 Call 2-1-1 from service area
(870) 543-4954 Alternative Number
(866) 489-6983 Alternative Number


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## Shepherd (Jan 23, 2005)

(((((((AR Cattails)))))))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. But you have to realize your husband does NOT have your best interest in mind at this point. Do not trust him. First thing I want to stress is when you see your attorney, be sure to tell him about your DH's comments about killing you and also your ?nephew?. 

His personality from the beginning of the relationship (where he'd get moody, take things out on you, etc.) is a big tip off of what I would consider an unstable person. Sounds like my ex. Whenever he got upset about things, he'd take it out on me for days... even with the silent treatment and hatefulness. He'd always try and make everything my fault. I guess it was easier for him. You made the same mistake I did - I loved him totally, trusted him, and my world centered around him... no one else. 

It's time for you to turn the hurt around to anger and build up an outter shell that's hard and ready for anything. 

I'd also warn you about having moved out of the house -- why would you do that? And WHY would HE all of the sudden insist that you do that... when after all these years, he didn't care that you were living there with the ceilings falling in? I can't remember the legal term but I think if you've 'abandoned' the property, it's up for grabs with him, whereas if you were still living there, it would be looked at differently by the Court. I think you'd be in much better standing with getting the house if you were still living in it.

I'd continue being 'nice' to him. Don't show him your cards (don't let him know your plans). Keep him at arms length and don't let him know what you're up to or thinking. It would be much better for you if he was completely unaware of your plans. You're going to have to learn to be sneaky, since you usually cater to his every need and he knows you so well. 

Should you decide to move back into the house, he's gonna start drilling you as to why. Just tell him you're more comfortable in the home you've lived in for so long, and you cannot justify the expense of an apartment. Don't tell him the purpose would be that 'possession is 9/10ths of the law' or whatever it is and you want to make sure you're awarded the house and land. It may not seem as tho it's worth much, but it's better than nothing. It's still considered an asset.


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## chickenmommy (Aug 24, 2004)

You have gotten some great advice here. Listen and do it. Let me add that I am 51 years old. Not in your situation by a long shot but I am about to graduate college in January with a new career path and a degree. Starting college was one of the scariest things I did beside divorcing my first and second husbands. Since starting college, I have a whole new view of me. I am smart, I am brave, I can talk to anyone about me and my accomplishments and abilities with confidence and honesty. And although I am way overweight, other peoples opinions of how I look mean absolutely nothing since they are not the names on the checks that pay the bills around here. You would be doing yourself a favor if you could get your head in the same place mine is. Not an easy task, but necessary. (Sorry if this sounds like a lecture, my hormones are all out of balance right now and this is as nice as I can be till the tests come back and the compounding pharmacy makes my magic in a tube.)


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I want to thank everyone for all their advice and support and especially the caring and kindness shown.

I've been checking into this lawyer I am to see on Monday and it looks like he is a good lawyer after all. And it says in his ad that he does offer payment plans so I will try to have my husband pay for the divorce since he is the one that wants it but if it goes bad for me at least there will be a payment plan option.

I feel like I will probably get served first. I'm freaking out over this hiding from the server. Yesterday evening and through last night was really rough. I sat in the dark, except for being on the computer, until 11:30 thinking the server was out there somewhere. Then I figured he couldn't be out that late so I finally turned the lights back on. I take everyone's word that being served first is really bad even though I don't understand why. 

I don't see how they will be able to serve my husband since he is a trucker and not in any one place for too long. Hopefully my lawyer will know how to get around that.

I'll let you all know tomorrow what went on during my appointment with my lawyer. In the meantime I'm trying to relax today and go out later to visit my mom and dad.

And, yes, ihedrick, I did give send him those pictures he asked for. I fell for it when he told me he thought he might have a buyer for everything. I can't believe he outright lied like that to me but I do believe it now. He also wanted pictures of my car and my son's truck because "he wants to remember what they look like" but that didn't make sense to me so I didn't send him a picture of those and he also wanted pictures of my apartment because he was just "curious" to see where I lived but again that didn't make sense to me either so I didn't send him those pictures. 

The thing is, though, we have nothing of real value. The old broken down cars and stuff he always hoped to find time to work on, an old Willys, a broken down RV he bought at an auction one year that he always hoped to be able to fix, a cattle trailer of some kind that needs a new floor, a tractor and bush hog that we had just bought from my dad for $3,000 that we still owe $1,000 on. The most valuable thing out there to me is the land and the old house because I will probably need to live in it. And he has told me I could have all this stuff to do with what I wanted to. But I guess that will change now.

Anyway, I'll let you know an update tomorrow.


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## giddy (Nov 14, 2006)

By nursing assistant-do you mean like a CNA (certified nursing aide)? I took this class a few months before my divorce with my two daughters. We took it at the local vo-tech school. I believe they had help for paying for the class if you couldn't afford all of it. The paper is always full of jobs for CNA's. Then you can go on to be an LPN. This class at our vo-tech you can do at your own pace. From there if you want to be a RN, go for it. There are nursing homes and such that will train you to be a CNA for working there. Also, if you sew, you may be able to do alterations at home for cleaners or others. I'm just trying to think outside the box for something you could do in the meantime without needing any money. You're going to be fine. Get MAD! That's the fastest way to get back on your feet and get over this bad situation.


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

Everyone is right about getting Mad. Mad as in a Woman scorned. Remember that saying. Hell hath no fury like a Woman scorned. Hurt and confused always comes first,but Women become a Grizzly Bear when they are mad. Your thinking will become much clearer. You are going to be OK. I hope Tomorrows appt. gives you much comfort.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

LOL It reminds me of what my sister said toward the beginning of this ordeal. When I just couldn't think of anything but trying to get him to come back to me and I was hurting and crying all the time, she said that I should work up a good mad at him and that would help me get over him. I wish I had followed her advice


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## Shepherd (Jan 23, 2005)

AR Cattails said:


> LOL It reminds me of what my sister said toward the beginning of this ordeal. When I just couldn't think of anything but trying to get him to come back to me and I was hurting and crying all the time, she said that I should work up a good mad at him and that would help me get over him. I wish I had followed her advice


You still can!


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

Shepherd Is Right. You Can Still Work Up A Good Mad, And The Beauty Of It Is That You May Catch Him Off Guard. He Is Probably Expecting You To Be Sad And Weepy. Get Mad, It May Be The Last Thing He Is Expecting At This Point!


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## Buffy in Dallas (May 10, 2002)

Before you spend the money on a CNA class think about what the job will be like. My daughter's sister in law is a CNA at an old folks home. She got fired for complaining about all the abuse and neglect that the elderly endure. She's worked at several and said they are all the same. Also, think about being on your feet all day changing diapers, washing the patients and cleaning up "brown stuff". I hope you have a strong back. They don't pay well, although I guess thats a matter of what you think is good pay. 

Personally, I'd get all the food stamps, welfare, disability and other help that you can and go strait for an RN. Thats Good money. 

Oh, and He probably wanted you out of the house so that he could move in and take the land. 

Good luck and give him Heck!!!:viking:


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## Shepherd (Jan 23, 2005)

Buffy in Dallas said:


> Oh, and He probably wanted you out of the house so that he could move in and take the land.


Exactly my point!


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## KayJay (Oct 3, 2006)

I didn't real all the responses, but with a little searching, I'd bet that you can find a divorce lawyer who will give you a free consultation, I know a whole lot of them will.


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## KayJay (Oct 3, 2006)

Forgot to add, when my parents divorced after 20 years of marriage, he had to pay her alimony, and she was owed half of his retirement as well as something else (forget what it was). She did end up trading him and let him have her half of the retirement so she could have his half of the house. Don't let him scare you, my ex husband pulled that bull with me until I finally wised up. He's trying to bully you into thinking that you have to bee nice and let him have what he wants cause you don't deserve/aren't owed anything, and if he actually believes that, he's in for a big suprise. Also, you should be able to get it ordered that he has to pay your attorney fees since you've been a sahm all these years.


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## luvrulz (Feb 3, 2005)

You need a barracuda lawyer and now! Don't let him sweet talk you into agreeing to anything. Half of everything he has is yours, including the 401k etc, etc, etc..... How old are your children? Does NE have no fault divorce?

Do you have any girlfriends or female relatives that have recently gone through a divorce that you can ask who handled theirs? Don't necessarily find an attorney in the yellow pages - you need a referral of a good one. BTW, I don't mean to say that it's going to turn nasty - but you need to have the best attorney on your side to protect your interests.....in case it does.


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## mellba (Oct 15, 2004)

I agree with Shepherd and Buffy about why he wanted you out of the house. I'd try to move back NOW even if rent is already paid on the apartment.


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## sgl42 (Jan 20, 2004)

AR Cattails said:


> I think he might be the lawyer my husband and I went to a few years ago to give me power of attorney over him because he was always gone on the road so much and wasn't around if something needed to be signed.





AR Cattails said:


> I do have power of attorney over him and I wish I could make a legal document showing he has given me all of it so I can get it off my mind and know I have a home for the future.


take a copy of the power of attorney with you to see the lawyer on monday.

i think your husband can rescind the power of attorney, but probably has to give notice. (another reason to avoid answering the door until you see the lawyer!) until he does, the power of attorney is probably still valid. depending on whether it's a conditional power of attorney (eg, only in force if he's injured or incapcitated), or whether it's unconditional, this might give your lawyer a way to very quickly give you the upper hand in negotiations. eg, you might perhaps have the legal power to put the house in your name only, using the power of attorney, if you do it quickly before it is rescinded. maybe make changes to other financial accounts too. (i don't know if my example is even close to what the actual law would be, but seeming simply things to the layperson can have huge repercussions in a legal battle, which is why i suggest you make a copy of the power of attorney, and take it with you. it might be nothing, so don't get your hopes up, or it might be a huge bonaza for you and your lawyer to be able to control the process.) is it fair? well, if you prevent yourself from being railroaded, you can always choose to be as fair as you want. but if he legally snookers you, then the defn of "fair" is entirely up to him. since he asked you to move into an apt, i'm guessing there's some trick along the lines of "abandonment" of some sort going on.

unrelated to the above, someone mentioned someday you'll look back and thank him for it. while you may not believe it now, i think it's probably true. if you have high speed internet, i'd suggest you watch the following 20 minutes video, which is based on actual psychological experiments and testing. 



> http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html
> 
> _Dan Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, challenges the idea that we&#8217;ll be miserable if we don&#8217;t get what we want. Our "psychological immune system" lets us feel truly happy even when things don&#8217;t go as planned._
> 
> ...


much more at the link.

--sgl


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

sgl - I will check the link out shortly. First I want to say that as I understand it, the power of attorney covers almost everything. I know that when I took it to the courthouse to have it registered, the lady helping me said that the lawyer sure must have put the whole book in here, because it was several pages long. I know there is a lot in there about my being able to make real estate transactions. I hope he doesn't think about this anytime soon but his lawyer will probably ask him several probing questions to make sure there isn't any loose ends like this.

I also still have his weekly trip reports and pay settlement coming to me online. It shows the current week's pay, taxes out, personal advances taken out, insurance premiums taken out, etc., and it also shows the past three weeks reports. I'm sure he hasn't thought about this right now but I'm sure he will because he has already had the paperwork of these reports stop coming to me.

He just hasn't thought of these things yet but I know he will. He's pretty smart.

He doesn't want the house. He couldn't wait to leave just me, but the house too. He hated it there. He lives in his truck 95% of the time and where and with whom he hangs his hat at the other 5% now, well that I don't know. I'm sure he's staying around the Chattanooga, TN area because that's where his company headquarters is. He's happy to be away from us. Now he might want to sell everything and split it up.

Buffy - I know it will be very hard work and I don't know if I can handle it but I thought it would be a job that I might can get easily, right now, so I can get some money coming in. I can't stand for more than a half-hour at present before I'm hurting all over. I don't know how my back will hold out. I do have a bad back and I'm not suppose to lift over 20 pounds because of my hernia I've had for about 5 years now. But I need a job real bad. If I can lose this weight my health will surely improve but right now I have many health issues.

I might have to look into the food stamp, SS disability, etc., route. I don't want to but I might end up having to.

I also need to go ahead and get my hysterectomy and hernia repair done. MY gyn said I needed one but didn't have to be now but sometime for sure within the next 3-5 years. My husband had said that I could wait for later if I wanted to because he would keep me on his insurance. Now when I asked him about it the other day he says he doesn't know if he will keep me on. I guess I need to get that done, too, while I am still on his insurance. I just don't have the hundreds that will have to go up front to the surgeon and the hospital before I can be approved for surgery. I still owe a fortune in bills from when I had my d&c this summer to determine if I needed a hysterectomy, from medical bills due to my son, and for dental work I have had done and for a crown that I am suppose to have had done already but I don't have the hundreds for that. I have insurance, and it's better than nothing, but it isn't that great.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Yes, DO try to get on food stamps!

No, do not try for nurses Aid at this time: nurses aids are on their feet most of the time. You might try for Medical transcripting, though. That is a desk job, as is receptionist or bookkeeper.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

Woke Up Thinking About You. Another Suggestion, Start Logging Everything, Keep A Diary. Go Back In Your Mind And Jot Down Anything From The Last Year That You Can Think Of. Note The Weather, Anything Happening Of Note In The World, With The Kids, Health, Financial, House, Car, Anything. You Will Be Surprised At How Helpful It Is. It Also Helps To Pinpoint Your Strengths And Weakness. (i Could Bake Bread And Can Tomatoes In My Sleep. I Did Not Know How To Put Air In My Car Tires Tho)
There Are Some Things I Logged That I Can Look Back And Smile About Now. (like The Night My Girlfriend Too Me Bar Hopping. She Thought I Needed To Get Out. What A Disaster. We Went 4 Places, Two Were Populated By Guys Young Enough To Be My Kids, One Place There Were 2 Women, And At The Teamster Hall Only 3 Men, All Old Enough To Be My Dad. The Only Ones Who Had A Good Night Were The People At Coca Cola. I Was Miserable Then, But It Is Kind Of Funny Now)
Back To The Serious Stuff Tho, Keep That Log. Write Down Your Feelings. I Feel Close To You, My Ex Left Me In The Month Of July, Which Is Probably Around The Same Time As Yours. I Had Married At 17, He And The Kids Had Been My Whole World.
This Winter Will Be Hard For You. Remember We Are Here For You. Remember The Song From Rogers And Hammerstein...when You Walk Through A Storm, Keep Your Head Up High, And Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark......


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## Ozarkquilter46 (Jun 5, 2002)

if you get a job now it will decreas the suport from your husband. Then if you can't keep up with the job your SOL


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Thank you Budsmom. This will be a tough winter and a tough holiday season for me this year. I dread my upcoming birthday next month, and I dread Thanksgiving and Christmas like crazy. It will be so...different. 

I use to journal for years before I got married. I had a bunch of stuff. And then when I met my husband and it was getting serious, I threw it all away. I didn't want him going through it because it was all my private feelings and thoughts. I ought to start that up again. It really helped me to close out every day.

My youngest son emailed me last night and said that dad called him and said he wants to sit down with him soon and explain it all to him and why he had to leave. That upset me so. But my son assured me that he was smart enough to see through any bull dad gives him. He told me to trust him and I do.

Well, gotta go get ready everyone. My appointment is soon. Got to play hide and seek from the server until I see my lawyer and see what he says to do. Wish me luck.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

Good. I Am Glad Your Son Is On To Him. It Will Probably Be A Bunch Of Bull About How He "wasn't Happy" Or He "had To." Simply Speaking, MY Ex Was For Sale To The Highest Bidder And I Did Not Bid High Enough. He Used The Not Happy Theme A Lot. Did He Think I Was Happy? Did He Care? I Put Up With A Lot. We Had A Tiny House, It Was Like Living In A Rabbit Hutch. I Have 4 Boys And 1 Girl. Not To Rate The Kids, Or Anything, But The 2 He'd Most Like To Have On "his Side" Think He Is A Big Joke, NONE OF THE KIDS THINK MUCH OF HIM THO A Loser. I Think The "other Woman" Lost Her Grown Child In The Shuffle Too. That Must Have Hurt Too.

Good For Your Son.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Well, I made it to the attorney's office and there was no one there. 

Friday, when the lady who made the appointment for me said Monday, the 12th at 10:30 I said ok. But later when I heard someone speaking of Monday being a holiday I was curious as to why the lawyer's office would be open. I had a inkling to call back and double check the appointment but I told myself that surely the lady would know if they were going to be open or not on Monday.

So I guess it's kinda my fault for not checking. I'll check with them first thing in the morning to see if I can come in tomorrow.


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## Witterbound (Sep 4, 2007)

Cat, there you go. It's not your fault. Change your mindset. 
It was the lawyer's office's fault for scheduling you for today, if the office was going to be closed. Most folks don't close for this "holiday."


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## seagullplayer (Nov 6, 2008)

Call the office and leave a message, remind them of what happened, they will put you at the top of the list to get back to. Rather than waiting for an opening again...

Good luck


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## MorrisonCorner (Jul 27, 2004)

I'm not going to read through this entire thread, but I am going to assume you'll be going to court or need to negotiate a settlement.

It is common for one party to ask for ("discoveries") MOUNTAINS of paperwork from the other party, so I would encourage you to take the time you have now to get this together. Paperwork would include copies of credit card statements, bank statements, tax returns, etc.

The reason for asking for this is to establish income and standard of living. Since you'll be negotiating for alimony, having provided him with unpaid household help for the past 25 years, you need to establish a REASONABLE budget for yourself. And back it up with data. A reasonable budget does NOT mean short changing yourself. Of course, it also doesn't mean erring on the other side either.

If you have, and it sounds like you do, serious health issues which make it difficult for you to find or hold down a job by all means get to a state agency and find out what is available to you. Frankly, in this situation, it is flat out absurd not to take advantage of the social safety net. You're not planning on making a lifestyle of it, just getting your feet under you during this upheaval. There's "pride," and there is "stupid." Don't let your pride sink you down to such a point where you are in such a hole you'll never get out.


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

The good news is that you are not alone...HT is like a huge extended family and we're here for you!

Do start walking, dancing, or some other form of exercise at least twice daily. Start with 10 mins. at a time and add minutes every day until you are doing a half hour twice a day. I know you least feel like it now, but it will do wonders for your mental and physical outlook. Drink lots of water and cut back on white foods (bread, pasta, sugar) and then double your intake of fruits and veggies. Looking well will make you feel well and is part of a woman's revenge when she starts her life over. So off with the old and on with the new.

Was there anything you were interested in but gave up because he was not? You go, girl! Watch those chic films, join a scrapbooking or crafting club, get involved at church....there's nothing to hold you back now! You'll become a more interesting person as you enlarge your areas of interest.

Find something everyday to be thankful for....find someone to bestow a random act of kindness on...everything is for a reason, even though we may not yet know what that reason is.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

Morrison Corner Is Right. Sorry About Your Appointment. Try, Try Again.


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## Freya (Dec 3, 2005)

I don't have anything better to add. I did go through something very similar too. Everyone has given the perfect advice.



*{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}*


*
Just remember to keep kicking at the darkness until it bleeds daylight!*



:grouphug:


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## SpaceCadet12364 (Apr 27, 2003)

There is nothing wrong with using social programs, if you are qualified for them. Especially if you go into them with the mindset of "this is only temporary" and you plan on getting yourself back to the point where you do not need them. It sounds like you aspire to pick yourself up and start down a new path in life.......just think, especially if he gives your son a story about "mom was fat" or something like that.....as he thinks you are nothing without him, you have the chance to show him that you can be ANYTHING without him. With taking advantage of some "me" time, and working on your health.....imagine maybe next year, you pass him on the street. Here you are, healthier and looking/feeling really good. Take that mental picture of him as his jaw drops and him thinking....dang! Thats the one I ran away from?

Just if that happens tho, no matter how much he begs YOU......nope, you had your chance already dude. And you p*ssed it away!

Good luck with it all.....loads of good advice here for you. Sorry you have to go through this rough part, but you will feel loads better after its all said and done.


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## Aohtee (Aug 26, 2003)

So I guess it's kinda my fault for not checking. I'll check with them first thing in the morning to see if I can come in tomorrow.

No cat. You will not call and assume it was your fault. 

Here is where you grow that 1st inch of backbone.

Tomorrow show up the lawyers office at exactly 10:30. Announce to the receptionist who you are and you're here for your 10:30 with (lawyer name). 

The receptionist can do one of two things: smile nicely and ask you to wait while she lets the attorney know you're there or get flustered and tell you there is no appointment.

If she tells you no appointment, ask her to check the appointment book for yesterday, the 12th. Smile nicely, again, and tell her you were given an appointment on the 12th, and when you came in, the office was closed.

If the lawyer wants you business, the receptionist will bend over backwards to get you in to see him. If they give you any excuse, or ask you to come back, then they are not interested in your case. Find another attorney.

Be nice but be firm. You are contracting with their firm for representation and as such their fee will be part of the settlement. You are not a pro bono case.


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

Cat, please start seeing a counselor now. The appointment was not your fault, it was the lawyer's. Everyone makes mistakes and that's OK but right now is not the time to blame yourself.

Let me give you an example of how not standing up for yourself can hurt you and your family. My husband was married for a very long time. We met a couple years after he was divorced. His first wife had sent letters to his friends, parents, brothers, etc. He was afraid that his (adult) children would no longer want to be around him if he didn't let his wife have what she wanted.

She got the house and support. He got the debts (paying off the mortgage and a 2nd mortgage). She was the one who filed. She made more than he did. She broke into his business and had someone go through and itemize the contents. He did get the business. It wasn't worth anything. The business didn't make any money. 

He had to insist that he get some paintings his mother had painted and two paintings that were gifts to his parents from friends of theirs. 

He finally started to put his foot down when she called, a couple years after the divorce, and told him he had to come paint her windows. Why she didn't ask her boyfriend to do this I don't know.

He was in his mid-50s and had been self employed for many years. He had no health insurance and no place to live (lived in his rented business space). He just didn't want a fight. This wasn't good for his children or for him. It's made our lives very difficult. He was in his late 50s and had the assets of a high school graduate.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I did leave a message on his answering machine and this afternoon around 3 he called me back. He apologized for the mixup and said that he had come into the office for awhile this afternoon and did I want to come on in and see him. So I went. The secretary was there, and I assume she is his wife, she was very nice and apologetic to me. But that's where the hopeful feelings I had about him as an attorney ended.

He said not to hide from the server. He says that doesn't matter. What does is which of us gets the papers filed first at the courthouse. Then they have jurisdiction and the other will have to go there for meetings, hearings, the case heard in court. So if I figure right, I figure my husband has probably filed in Chattanooga, TN, where he is apparently staying now. So I may be having to make several long trips over that way and find a lawyer there.

Lawyer also says that it will be next to impossible to serve my husband with him being a truckdriver and not in one place any length of time. He said he couldn't afford the cost of having a server traveling all over the country looking for my husband. I figured the lawyer would have a way around that being that I'm sure there must be truckdrivers getting divorced every day. I guess they can always hide out and the poor wife doesn't have a chance.

Lawyer says I definitely have grounds for divorce since my husband has threatened to kill my nephew that time and more recently threatened to kill me and himself. 

Lawyer says husband does not have to keep me on insurance once we are divorced. The last statement I had concerning the 401K was December of '08 and there was a balance of about $12,000.00 then. The lawyer says that with it being such a bad year this year for the stock market it probably wouldn't be more than that amount now and since my husband has offered to pay off the truck (which is in my name because he's never here to sign for anything) using the 401K as collateral that the judge would probably rule the payoff of the truck as my share of the 401K.

Lawyer figures that my husband is not planning to pay me alimony but rather a divorce settlement. Giving me the house and the land which is probably worth way less than 20 thousand. A few junk cars, paying off the truck and that's probably all I'm going to get. I don't know what to do now. I had to borrow the money to see the lawyer today. And I don't think he's the one for me. Doesn't seem to have any fight in him at all.

I guess I'll have to wait until the papers are served to me, like this lawyer said, and see exactly what my husband is up to. I'm just really down right now. Been crying all day and the stress is really starting to get to me physically. My son and I scraped up a bunch of change tonight and ordered a pizza. That helped me feel better some, him too. I know we probably should have kept it to buy milk or something to get through the rest of the week but I just needed something good. I kind of have a gut feeling that he may not be planning on sending me any more money to see if he can get away with it. I'll find out Thursday. 

This is probably not making sense. It's not to me. I'm so distraught. I'll go tomorrow and apply for emergency food stamps and see what other help I can get, if any. It feels for sure like I'm going to need it. I'm going to get the short end of the divorce stick it looks like. Guess I'm going to surf a little bit and go to bed and see what tomorrow brings.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

Hang In There. Don't Feel Guilty About The Pizza Either.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

My SIL was worried sick about her divorce, also. How would she make ends meet?

It took her a year to realize that, in fact, she was living better without him: less stress, no money vanishing from her account before the bills needed to be paid, etc.

Might you go on disability for a while? You said you had trouble standing for more than 30 minutes.

And, if you declare bankruptcy, you keep the house and the car in most circumstances.

Just thinking.........

Gentle hugs!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, yes.

If the 401K WAS worth $12,000 it is probably worth $6,000 and half of that would be $3000.


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## seagullplayer (Nov 6, 2008)

When lawyers don't see money they don't get excited about much. 

I am sure he didn't lie to you, he just was not interested in taking your case.

You might have better luck with a new younger (hungry) lawyer...

Pray.


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## CarrieAnne (Sep 4, 2009)

It sounds like the laws of your state are like mine here in WI. My ex left me after 13 yrs of marrige, and three kids. I was a SAHM the whole time too. Peaople told me not to worry, I'd get alimony, ect.....and that ISNT the way it worked out, unfortunatly.
I am glad you talked to a lawyer, and I wanted to send you some hugs and Prayers, I know this is terribly hard..........
I had to take any job I could get....my EX was a trucker, too, and locked all the checkbook, bank records, EVERYTHING in his semi, oh, yeah, AFTER he put the business in HIS name only to PROTECT the kids and I from being sued, nice guy, HUH?
Like I said, I took a waitressing job...still doing it, too, because its okay money, and went through a horrible depression, so I KNOW what youre feeling.
I got NO alimoney, had to find my own insurance, pay for my own lawyer, luckily, my Parents borrowed me money for the lawyer. We did split the assests, I kept the house, not payed for of course...........
But, on a happier note, I can tell you, I AM happier with out the EX. He was a jerk, and did want me back after things with his little 21 yo bar chick didnt work out. No THANKS! Adios! Still live on my own with the kids, but have a GREAT boyfriend now though. Things WILL get better, Sweetie, they HAVE TO, see! Only LOOK UP, not down, okay?


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## Aohtee (Aug 26, 2003)

Cat,

If the truck is in your name and he pays it off with your share, don't you still own the truck? Don't you have the right to sell, or rent it?

Or can you take possession of it and use it as collateral for a home improvement loan?

The attorney may not have told you what you wanted to hear, but he did tell you what the reality of your situation is. If your gut tells you he's not going to work for your advantage, keep looking.


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

Look for a female attorney....they are more sympathetic about how you are being treated....especially if they, too, have been dumped and dumped on.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

The truck is in my name and in my possession so if he pays it off it will be mine, free and clear. Unless it becomes a bone of contention in a divorce battle.

I tried to hire a woman lawyer but she would not give me a free or even a reduced consultation. She charges $175.00 an hour and no way can I afford that.

I've been looking in the phone book and online and I cannot find anyone who specializes in family law. I've still been looking this morning and will continue to do so. I'm just about ready to give up though. If he has filed first, he's got me. I can't afford trips to Chattanooga. I can't afford a lawyer. I can't afford to file the papers in court. That lawyer yesterday really depressed me. When he would sound like it might be hopeless for me I asked him isn't he suppose to fight this for me. He was just duh, duh. When we were talking about possible costs of this he was saying it could get quite expensive for me if I contest it. He never mentioned anything about seeking to get my husband to pay for it. 

I'm still waiting to be served. I think I will wait and see what he is offering. If he gives me the truck without a fight, gives me the house and land and all the vehicles on it without a fight, I might take it. I already know I can't be on his insurance. The SS issue really has nothing to do with this case. I'll apply for that when I reach retirement age in the future I guess. Apparently there won't be much in the 401K to fight over after the truck is paid and that will be considered my part of the 401k evidently. The only other thing I was hoping for would be alimony. Even a small alimony to be able to buy some food and clothes and medicine when needed would be good. But the lawyer thinks there will probably be no offer of alimony.

So since I have no money to fight him, I may accept his offer unless he is making some attempt to really screw me over that I don't know of now. I will have just one thing I'll want his lawyer to change and that is to keep him away from my place. He was wanting to come there and take an old pickup truck, a trailer to haul animals or stuff in and an old Willys that he had hoped to rebuild one day. I'm going to insist on keeping those so I can sell them over the year, along with other junk vehicles and a tractor and hopefully selling all that will give me enough to live off of for a few to several months.

If he'll agree to that, I may not contest the divorce. Of course it depends on what the papers show. I may find find a lawyer to look at the papers when they come in if I have problems understanding anything. My parents said they would loan me some money for a consultation. I had told them no thank you because they get little SS and have a hard time living month to month themselves. But I may take them up on it if I'm not sure of something in the divorce papers.

I'm so down and so depressed right now. I just want it over with so I can get started on trying to build a new life for myself. I'm going today to the food stamp office to apply for emergency food stamps and I will look into a lot of other options that may be out there, including school and a job. You all have given me so many suggestions about what to do and where to look for help. Much more than I ever expected. I'm so touched by your caring and your kindness. Time to pull myself up by my bootstraps now.

I've got to stop now. I'm crying my eyes out and soaking my keyboard. LOL
Thanks everyone. Your awesome.


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## seagullplayer (Nov 6, 2008)

Any of them junk cars you have a title for I would sell for scrap. Call around and find a scrap metal guy, you might get a few $100 right there.

Most men will not file unless they are pushed to do so by someone else if you get my drift...


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## JanS (Jul 28, 2002)

Even if you decide not to contest the divorce, do not sign anything without having the papers looked over by a lawyer! It sounds like he is already playing tricky (asking for those photographs, for instance) so don't take any chances.


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## Teri (Jan 13, 2003)

Cat, I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you have to go through this. May the Peace of God be with you.
Teri


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## TurnerHill (Jun 8, 2009)

So, first: I'm sorry for your trouble. Keep your chin up. Don't get down, you were a child of God before you met your husband, and still are. Beyond that, you have a roof over your head and the means of getting food to eat, you are better off than many and will come out of this fine.

Now, about your divorce.

It doesn't sound to me like your lawyer, "doesn't have any fight in him." It sounds like he was very likely giving you good advice that it was uncomfortable to hear. What he is basically saying (and please don't be insulted by this) is that you two really don't have much to fight over. It sounds like the combined net worth of you and your husband might very well be negative. Spending $20,000 on lawyer's fees fighting over $12,000 doesn't make a lot of sense. If the lawyer were a weasel, he might be egging you on to fight, so he got those fees.

I don't know the law in TN/AR, but generally speaking these days a non-disabled 51-year-old isn't going to get alimony. The wheel has turned, pendulum swung, use whatever phrase you want. Bottom line, the courts almost never give alimony any more, and when they do, it is for a limited time.

I'm not a big believer in divorce, and I think it is even more heartbreaking when one partner doesn't want it and didn't see it coming. But I'm not going to follow on with the cries from some on this thread that your husband is a dog. If he is sending you basically all that he is making, what more could he do?

I will also encourage you to not take legal advice from anyone on this thread (even me, and I'm a lawyer). There have been some things suggested that, while they might be momentarily satisfying, would have very bad results for you.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

seagullplayer said:


> Most men will not file unless they are pushed to do so by someone else if you get my drift...



I do. That's what my mom tells me. Someone is pushing him to get rid of me so he can take care of her. My mom even goes as far as saying it's being pushed with such great haste that she wouldn't even doubt if that someone is pregnant. Now that I would love. He's 56 years old and has to raise another child. He didn't do that great with the 3 he has. Anyway that's just assumption.

JanS - I'm thinking I will get the papers looked over by an attorney for sure before I accept anything. Checking out the AR divorce laws some more it looks like once I'm served, if I don't respond to the plaintiff's lawyer with 20 days, judgment will be made for the plaintiff.


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## JanS (Jul 28, 2002)

TurnerHill, the husband has been sending money, yes, but remember that it was paying THEIR bills. She was taking care of all that while he was on the road. It wasn't solely for her personal use.

I don't necessarily look at him as a dog. Men will do what men will do, and this man wants to leave. I do feel, however, that he should settle with her fairly. Cutting off a woman who hasn't worked for years and isn't well, suddenly with no income, isn't what I call fair. Of course, we don't know that is what's going to happen. We're just assuming the worst  to help AR with ideas to plan for the rest of her life.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Thanks JanS. That's all I want is what's fair. And I don't have any money at all. My family doesn't have money to give me. I'm hoping this Thursday he will send me some money so I can pay on a stack of bills that are piling up. A lot of medical bills too. I'm not in good health. When I get took off his insurance I'm not going to have the hundreds and hundreds of dollars it will cost a month to get my medicine. I'm suppose to have a hysterectomy that the doctor said I didn't have to have for another year or two so my husband said not to worry about it now. He said I would still be on his insurance. Now that's all changed. I also need a hernia repair and two crowns that I won't have money for. He is giving me money now but it's not that much. It doesn't cover all the bills not to mention leave hardly anything for food. I can't wait till Thursday to see if I get any money to buy some groceries so my son and I can eat more than toast and cereal. It may sound bad but, dang, my son and I are hungry.

I really don't want bad for him. I still love him. I have totally loved him for 25 years. I was so happy with him right up until that phone call that changed my world. Even knowing now that he has supposedly been unhappy for the last few years, it doesn't take away from my happiness with him because I didn't know it. I didn't see it. I still cry all the time for all the good times and for the plans we had for our last years together. It may sound stupid but I am so very upset at the thought of not being able to spend eternity with him. I so looked forward to that. That just kills me. 

I got to go get ready to leave now. I can't wait till I get all cried out.


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## Oggie (May 29, 2003)

Sorry to hear about what you're going through, AR.

I don't have any real advice, except that if the lawyer you've been talking to doesn't seem right to you, by all means find another.

Even though you're hurting, stay alert and smart. Sadly, your husband might well try to get it over with as cheaply as possible. You'll need to look out for yourself.


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## TurnerHill (Jun 8, 2009)

JanS said:


> TurnerHill, the husband has been sending money, yes, but remember that it was paying THEIR bills. She was taking care of all that while he was on the road. It wasn't solely for her personal use.
> 
> I don't necessarily look at him as a dog. Men will do what men will do, and this man wants to leave. I do feel, however, that he should settle with her fairly. Cutting off a woman who hasn't worked for years and isn't well, suddenly with no income, isn't what I call fair. Of course, we don't know that is what's going to happen. We're just assuming the worst  to help AR with ideas to plan for the rest of her life.


She has already stated that he is providing all of the money he has. Now, that is paying bills (like the mortgage) that are "theirs." But eventually, that same amount of money will need to provide for two households. Doesn't work.

The fact is that she will probably need to provide her own income, and sooner rather than later. There is a difference between the division of the property, and the income. I'd hate to see her rejecting legal advice because of this, "no fight" issue, when it is entirely possible that the best legal advice is, "try to avoid a fight."

This guy isn't a doctor, or a banker or something. A fair division of assets, follwed by each party making their own way, is probably the best anyone can hope for.

The one piece of bad advice I saw in what her lawyer said was the supposition that the 401(k) hasn't gained value in the past year. My market investments sure have. So I'd check on that.

The insurance issue is probably beyond his control. I know that with my policy, if the marriage ends, so does the opportunity to keep someone on the policy as a dependent.


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## TurnerHill (Jun 8, 2009)

AR, I like the quote in your profile. 

I guess what I am saying is, try to avoid acting just on the basis of your understandable hurt and anger, and try to deal with things as they are, not how they should be.

Remember what Moraine told Loial? "What is already woven cannot be undone. It will not make the trees grow again for you to bring the building down on our heads."


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

If he is driving for a Company its not that hard to find when he will be back to the Main Yard through Dispatch just need to be careful how you find out because they will tell him.Then have Papers Served.

big rockpile


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

AR... If filing "first" is needed, find a local women's shelter. They will know the reduced rate ways to file for a divorce in your county.


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## francismilker (Jan 12, 2006)

My first advice before you do anymore would be to pray about it if you already haven't. When two people can't get live together in harmony and decide to divorce things get said and done that they really don't mean at the time. It's just a natural defense mechanism we put up when we think we're on the losing end of a bargain. 

I'm not telling you to take your husband back. I'm not telling you that you (or him) are in the wrong. I'm simply saying, "give your troubles to God. He will be up all night anyway."


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## mellba (Oct 15, 2004)

WindowOrMirror had a great suggestion about the women's shelter. The people there probably could steer you in the right direction. They might even have contacts to help you find a job.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

I GOOGLED TENNESSEE WOMAN'S SHELTERS-IT'S A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SITE, BUT LOOKS LIKE A GOOD PLACE TO START http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/tndv.shtml
I SHOWS THE TENNESSEE RESOURCES ON THE LEFT. MIGHT WANT TO CHECK IT OUT, IT LOOKS HELPFUL UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
DOES YOUR HUSBAND HAVE A DEDICATED RUN OR DOES HE GO ALL OVER, WHEREVER THE COMPANY SENDS HIM?
ALSO CHECK OUT ARKANSAS COALITION AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCEhttp://www.domesticpeace.com/workshops.html
HE MAY NOT BE HITTING YOU, BUT THIS IS MENTAL ABUSE. 
THEY MAY BE ABLE TO REFER YOU TO SOMEONE.

THIS WAS HOW I GOT STARTED WHEN I NEEDED HELP.
))HUGS((


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Hi, first off I want to say that in no way am I asking for money and no way in the world I would accept any even if I found myself out on the street without a dime. Like I told some sweet people that offered, if and when I ever get at my worst and most desperate, I will be able to turn to my family. They are poor and struggle from month to month, but, they are always there for me and will help me in any way possible they can. I am blessed in that way. I just don't want anything from them until things should ever get really bad though so until them I will fend for myself as best I can. Thanks anyway.

Actually today I had a brainstorm. I decided to sell my wedding band to a pawn shop. I won't be needing it anymore. I also had another wedding band that my husband had found on the ground by the fuel pump he was using at a truck stop about a year ago. So I got $60 for the both of them (together, not each) and I went and brought a little gas and the rest on what groceries I could buy. So we should be ok as far as food goes for a few days. I have a gold chain necklace and a bracelet that I will save for another time.

Thank you, Oggie.

TurnerHill - hey! Another WOT fan! I love that series. And your right about what Moraine told Loial. That does seem to fit what I'm going through right now. I know you are offering you advice and that you care and I appreciate it very much.

Big Rockpile - My husband is in real tight with his dispatcher and others around the yard and inside the headquarters. I'm sure he has already got them all square on his side. If I ever get a lawyer and they want to try that I will encourage them to. But I know they want turn their back on my husband for a wife they've probably never heard anything good about.

WOM - that is a great idea. I never thought about that. They should know such things. I'll try to find a woman's shelter near me.

francismilker - I have prayed about this several times a day. I think God may be tired of hearing from me.  I have begged my husband to let's talk about it. He has never given me the chance to talk with him. He just called and said he wasn't coming home and threw all kinds of accusations at me without ever letting me have a chance to talk. I asked if we could go see a marriage counselor. He said no way. By the time he made that phone call to me, he had already mentally (and physically) left me and there was no going back for him. I tried and tried to get back with him until I had nothing left to try. I have turned everything over to God but I'm not doing too good a job about letting Him take care of me and for me to not worry. The human in me just keeps on worrying and hurting. But I know God is there for me and how much worse shape I would be in right now if He wasn't.

Thank you Melba.

Thank you Rose.

Budsmom - thanks for the links. I haven't tried them yet but I will shortly. Maybe I can get some ideas about what to expect in Tennessee. I'll see if that other place can give me a referral. Thanks!


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

Don't forget to google Angelfood Ministries and see if there is a local site. We've been buying groceries thru a similar program called Shareflorida for years now. Good luck.


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## CarrieAnne (Sep 4, 2009)

Good for you on selling the rings! It really shows that you have spirit, and you will get through this. I know when I was in your shoes I did, and still do, alot of little things to make cash, but they DO addup....collect aluminum cans, if you can. Ask friends, and family to save them for you, I even walked roads and picked them up....aluminum prices are up a bit. Sign up for on line surveys if you can....not alot of money, but I love getting those 3.00 checks in the mail, and three bucks is something! I do Mypoints, coupon, rebate, do small crafts, take in mending. Could you have a rummage sale?
Scraping the cars would bring good money, but I am not sure if legally you can sell that type of thing before the divorce....does anyone know the laws there? I wasnt allowed to unless it all was divided up....
Good Luck, Hon, and stay strong!


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

I HAD TO GET RID OF A COUPLE OF UNTITLED CARS AND MY LOCAL SHERIFF'S OFFICE HELPED ME WITH THE JUNKERS TITLES. I DON'T REMEMBER HAVING TO PAY ANYTHING.
LOOK ONLINE FOR A WILLYS COLLECTORS CLUB, HERE IS ONE I FOUND QUICKLY www.gassermagazine.com SOMEONE MAY WANT ONE FOR PARTS. WOULD PROBABLY APPRECIATE IT MORE THAN A JUNKER.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

from my experience, i wouldn't try to talk to him or beg him to get counseling, and don't get religious with him either. you just get hurt. they get on a "high" they think they have it all together. they think they are cute. they act so much better than you, act understanding and kind, and they aren't at all. they don't think they need any help. especially if they have someone else. they get all pumped up.

when my ex had his affair, the first one i really knew about, she was much younger, and he got younger, got his hair styled, talked about how much more "relaxed" he felt. thought he was supermanand sooo cool. what an idiot. when it all fell thru, guess who he came crying to? and like a dumbass i took him back. ( i had small children) then i had to "give him time," put up with a lot of depressed crap, pay off the bills he ran up, listen to poor me, poor me. we did go to see a minister, who unbeknownst to his adoring flock, was someone who sided with the man. my friend took my side and set him straight (the pastor) to what was going on at our house. it was too late tho, now my ex thought he had a minister on his side. it was pure hell. things got better, but nothing ever got fixed. i walked around with a broken heart for many years. it messed the kids up.

i have often likened it to a ball of silly putty. you get it and it is shiny and new. it is flexible and bounces. fun stuff. the someone hits it with a hammer. it goes all over, and you pick up the pieces. it is never the same. it has fuzzies and sand in it. it may still bounce, just not as good....

this last time, he was brainwashed by the woman. mr wonderful, mr perfect. oh, he loved me, loved the family, but he just wasn't happy, he just had to leave. they had a head start on me. i was the last to know. he had such a wonderful future. he just had to get rid of me.

i spent over 5,000 on my lawyer. i really did not have it. he not only looked out for my interests, he kept me in line and on top too. that was 15 years ago. some of the best money i ever spent.

i was married very young. he leeched my money, my self confidence, broke my heart. i had domineering parents. never felt like i was like other people. got to where i shut my friends out, they had well behaved kids, nice houses. their husbands worked regular hours, were home nights.

what a rant. i feel better now, tho. as i mentioned before, i met a nice guy. the first time we took a trip together i had my old nervous feelings and was not enjoying myself. then i realized why. this trip was different-this time we could have a good time, and i knew we had enough money to get back home!


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## NostalgicGranny (Aug 22, 2007)

AR Cattails said:


> Thanks JanS. That's all I want is what's fair. And I don't have any money at all. My family doesn't have money to give me. I'm hoping this Thursday he will send me some money so I can pay on a stack of bills that are piling up. A lot of medical bills too. I'm not in good health. When I get took off his insurance I'm not going to have the hundreds and hundreds of dollars it will cost a month to get my medicine. I'm suppose to have a hysterectomy that the doctor said I didn't have to have for another year or two so my husband said not to worry about it now. He said I would still be on his insurance. Now that's all changed. I also need a hernia repair and two crowns that I won't have money for. He is giving me money now but it's not that much. It doesn't cover all the bills not to mention leave hardly anything for food. I can't wait till Thursday to see if I get any money to buy some groceries so my son and I can eat more than toast and cereal. It may sound bad but, dang, my son and I are hungry.



Go to the welfare office. They will MAKE him pay for support of the child at least. And both you and your son will have medical - until you are in good enough shape to find a job. 

Seriously - don't be ashamed to do it. That is what it is there for. Not for freeloaders, but for people in true need. 

Besides, you can always pay it forward when you are back on your feet, by donating to food banks or shelters, or just plain helping someone else.


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## TurnerHill (Jun 8, 2009)

NostalgicGranny said:


> Go to the welfare office. They will MAKE him pay for support of the child at least. And both you and your son will have medical - until you are in good enough shape to find a job.
> 
> Seriously - don't be ashamed to do it. That is what it is there for. Not for freeloaders, but for people in true need.
> 
> Besides, you can always pay it forward when you are back on your feet, by donating to food banks or shelters, or just plain helping someone else.


No one is going to make him pay support for a grown child.

But I agree that this is what the social safety net is for.


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## NostalgicGranny (Aug 22, 2007)

Oops - sorry didn't realize he was grown up.

Also when you mentioned being a secretary before hand and not knowing much about computers. Check your local schools. When we lived in Louisiana I attended school in the evenings (at the local grade school) and studied both Windows and basic computer skills. It only took a few weeks and that certificate is really helpful both for job hunting and for your self esteem.


If your weather isn't to bad how about holding a big yard sale? Sell the junk vehicles (that are in your name), and of course lots of your fudge and brownies. Put some sodas in a cooler and sell those too.


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## scgirl (Jan 25, 2005)

Remember: It's not an issue that you're getting help (food stamps, welfare, medical, whatever), it's what you do with that help and how you use it. Make it work for you, not become a way of life. And, I think you're stronger than you think!


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

Another Thought. Maybe If You Can Get Rid Of The Junk Cars, And Any Other Scrap Metal, And Spruce Things Up A Little You Might Feel A Little Better. Mow, Rake And Burn.


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## SpaceCadet12364 (Apr 27, 2003)

Are there any local programs that will help you with fixing the house up enough to be able to live in it again? I'm thinking Habitat for Humanity or something of the sort.


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## Michgranny (Sep 9, 2008)

I am not very good at this, but I am gonna try!

You are still very young, this is your chance to get to know you! Think back, way back, what did you enjoy doing! Get involved, even if it is something you have never done before. Take an adult Ed class, anything to get out and meet people.

Apply for a part time job, cleaning, cooking, dish washing, etc. It will give you confidence and you will go further than you ever expected!

Life is short, but it is also very fun!


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Hi everyone,

I talked to my husband tonight for just a few minutes to make sure he doesn't forget about payday tomorrow and to send me as much as he can. Anyway, I said to him that I haven't received any papers yet and he says that he hasn't actually gotten to that yet. He's been too busy. I guess he's probably talked to a lawyer but hasn't filed any papers yet. I told him not to worry about it that I would file it down here. And I'm going to try to get it done first before he does. That was such a relief of the stress that has been consuming me. He also told me that when he could ever find time he would come and pick up his personal stuff and I can go ahead and have everything else at our place. Another good thing. But he has been back and forth on that so much that I won't believe that until I see it written down in the papers and finalized.

So I have a little breathing room. I asked my mom tonight if I could borrow the money that she had offered to give me for a lawyer consultation. I would like to see this woman lawyer in a town about an hour away from where I live. She sounds good. http://www.whitbylawfirm.com/moremediation.html She charges $175.00 an hour. I like what she has to offer with the mediation choice over a contested divorce. I would like to see if we can do it this way but I don't want to see my husband. I don't think I'm emotionally ready to do that just yet. But if I have to I guess I won't have a choice.

Michgranny - you are so right. In the first month or two it was so hard on me. Not only dealing with my husband leaving me and telling me he didn't love me anymore, but I felt so alone and lonely and I just wanted someone to hold me and love me and tell me I was ok and not this terrible, evil person that it seemed my husband was portraying me to be. But during all the praying I was doing I came to feel that as much as I was hurting, I needed this time just for me. I needed to get to know and love myself, especially before even coming close to thinking I might be ready to look for another relationship. So as lonely as I am, I'm taking this time to get to love me for who I am and work on who I want to become.

SpaceCadet12364 - I haven't gotten into looking for someone to help with house repair but I have it on my list. Thanks.

Budsmom - as soon as I think I legally can, I will work on selling the junk cars. When I move back out to my place in the next month or two, I am going to work on going through all my stuff and setting aside stuff to sell at a yard sale or an auction. I am going to get the place bush hogged before next spring and the vehicles all emptied and ready and maybe have an auction. May even try to auction off my place if I find out it's too many memories to continue living there. But either way I'm definitely planning on getting it fixed up so it will look it's best and, like you said, it will help me feel better too. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with your ex. I like your analogy to the silly putty. That was great. And great idea about selling the Willys for parts.

scgirl - thanks. I don't feel so strong but I guess I am since I've made it this far and I'm not wanting to kill myself any longer. It was pretty bad there for awhile. I have turned in my application for food stamps and will continue working on other options. I feel better about accepting this help when I look at it like a hand up and not a hand out.

NostalgicGranny - I do want to go back to school and will check into what kind of computer course the local college near me is offering for free. I hope it teaches Windows as well as basic computer skills.

CarrieAnne - I thought my mom was going to have a heart attack when I told her I sold my ring. But...but, you might want it for sentimental reasons one day or your boys might want it. Uh, no, mom I don't think so. I do have some cans to sell for a few dollars and I'm going to sell over time everything that I can. 

Grandmotherbear - there is a place in town here that does the Angelfood Ministries program. When I was at the food stamps office, there was a page at the counter that had their menus for the month of October on it. I'm going to check it out online to see their November menu and I may just be ordering something from them. Thanks.

I'll keep you updated when there are new changes in my situation.


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## SpaceCadet12364 (Apr 27, 2003)

Hey, an idea to check on for getting free/low cost home repair....do you have any of those Vocational or Trade schools in your area (either High School or maybe community college)? Those, or maybe it wouldnt hurt to inqure at one of those big-box home improvement stores and ask the manager if they are aware of any sort of program like that, that may help do repairs and such.


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## manygoatsnmore (Feb 12, 2005)

Just a bunch of random musings for you...take what you can use and ignore the rest of it.  You CAN make it through this! You are so NOT alone - just look at how many of us here have done it and have come out the other side happier. There are many worse things than being divorced...like being in a bad marriage, for one!

How far are you from that 25th anniversary? Did the attorney say whether or not it is true that after 25 years there is anything different than before the 25 years is completed? 

If you apply for financial (welfare), food stamps and state medical, you can get your hyster and hernia surgeries paid for in full, as long as your MD and another MD both agree that you need them. Might be better than trying to get it done under his insurance. It will also cover your monthly meds...and if for some reason you can't get prescription drug coverage, check out the drug company prescription coverage programs. Another thought on the surgeries - most not-for-profit hospitals over assistance programs which can cover up to 100% of the costs of hospitalization depending on your income. Part of being a not for profit is that they HAVE to have some sort of program of this type.

Does your son live with you? How old is he? Is he employed? These things may or may not have an effect on your ability to get financial assistance - don't know about AR laws/rules. If he is able to contribute enough to help with utilities and basic bills, and lives with you, at least you can keep the lights on while you get the rest of the financial stuff in order.

If you have to take financial assistance, food stamps, medical, and any other programs available, don't be too proud to do it - you have paid in for many years (through your FAMILY income), and now is the time to use what you've paid for. 

I can tell by your writing that you are articulate, and I have a feeling you will do great in school. Instead of trying to work as a CNA, which will be very hard with your weight lifting limitations and back troubles, as well as the limited time you can spend on your feet, might I suggest that you check into Displaced Homemaker programs at your local community college? You may well be able to get tuition waivers, grants, and, perhaps most importantly, WORK-STUDY! There are many, many on-campus jobs that pay fairly well, and will take into consideration what your physical limitations may be. The money is exempt from income taxes and IIRC, doesn't affect what you get in food stamps.

I'd move back into the house on the land, in order to establish that you have not abandoned the property. Can your son help you make the roof leak-free and help you put up some insulation and sheetrook the ceilings? Look into any weatherization programs available for low-income folks - most areas have something...if not, then scrounge building sites for materials and learn to do it yourself. I taught myself to do home repairs and construction - so can you! You can turn a tumbledown house into a cozy home over time. The important thing is to have a roof over your head that is paid for. Is it paid for?

If you still have that power of attorney, use it to put the house solely in your name, as well as all vehicles and other titled property. If he hasn't emptied out your joint accounts, do it - you need the money to survive. Did you ask the attorney if you could do these things legally? I believe you can, but it wouldn't hurt to check it out before you do.

I am going to second (third, fourth, whatever) the advice to start getting some exercise. If all you can do today is walk once around the block, that's what you do, and then make yourself walk a few more yards before quitting. Then go out and do it again tomorrow, and walk further. Get outside in the light - it helps your mood to get daylight, and may help strengthen your immune system. Put on some bright, happy music and dance around the room until you're winded - rest a few minutes and do it again. Get a good MAD on, and take it out on cleaning...you'll get good exercise doing it, and feel even better with a nice clean house, yard, etc. Haul off the scrap and rake up the yard with that good MAD energy! If you want to go into nursing, you're going to need to be in pretty good shape - this is the perfect time to start.

Once you have your finances in order enough to be able to afford it, buy some mis-tint paint and start painting the house inside and out. Buy a color that YOU like, especially if it's one your soon to be ex hates, lol. Then, this winter, plant yourself some new fruit trees...that's an investment in your future - a way of saying that you are going to stick it out for the long haul. 

Find a minute or two each day to list all the things that you are thankful for, from your family, to your brain, to the ray of sunshine peeking through the clouds during your daily walk. Picture where you want to be in a year, in 3 years, 5 years....write it down, in detail, and start breaking those goals down into small, manageable steps that will take you from where you are now, to where you want to be. 

Find others going through the same thing you are - there are wonderful support groups out there for people going through a divorce. You're not looking for a new relationship in going to one, just looking for a group of people that understand what you are going through because they have been or are there themselves. You don't want a rebound relationship, nor do you want to get your heart broken by being someone else's.


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## manygoatsnmore (Feb 12, 2005)

Yup, definitely a hand up not a hand out. When my husband left, I took advantage of every program I could in order to get through school. Now, as an RN, I make a wonderful living, even working part time, and I pay it back through both the increased taxes I pay, and by paying it forward. I am able to help others when they need it, and that feels really good.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Manygoatsmore - you have so many great ideas. I just need to do some better checking around and make sure I know how to contact everyone I need to in order to get the most help that may be available to me.

I am going to check into the school programs next. See what they can offer me.

I was married on December 29 of 1984 so it's a little over two months until our 25th anniversary. I use to tease him all the time about how we should renew our vows because it was such a special day. Well it will just be a painful reminder of what should of been. Christmas and Thanksgiving won't be that great either this year.

I heard someone on line mention that if you were married for 25 years, you would be automatically eligible for alimony. I have no idea if that is true or not. I think it was someone here at HT that I saw mention that. I need to ask a lawyer about that.

When you are talking about getting my surgeries and medications through state medical, are you talking about medicaid? When I was at the food stamp office there was this brochure there showing the ways in which you could qualify for medicaid and I didn't seem to match up for any of them except if I was disabled. I'd have to apply and be approved for that first.

My son is 24, lives with me and is not employed. He is extremely morbidly obese. He can barely get around anymore, has trouble breathing, sleep apnea, and hasn't had one good night's sleep in months now. My husband and I always supported him while we were together but now since money is a problem I encouraged him to apply for disability and after that medicaid. He also has extreme social anxiety disorder. He should find out sometime within the next two months if he is approved.

My oldest son couldn't help me with the house, of couse, and my youngest son doesn't know anything about much of anything that me should know. His father was never around to teach him or my other son either. I'd have to find help there from somewhere else. I wish I knew more about home repair. Maybe it's not too late to learn.

I'd really hate to do anything right now with the power of attorney unless an attorney told me it was ok. Even selling the vehicles and such, I'd rather wait until an attorney told me it was ok. Even thought my husband told me I could have it all. Considering all the pain and heartache he has caused me, considering all the bad things he has said to me, he as actually been good to me in taking care of me. He gave me the checking account when he left. And I have already spent what was in it. It is still in both our names but he has never touched it. He opened his own when he left. The only thing in the account now is what he sends me. So he gave me that account, paying off the truck (if all goes well), giving me the home, land and vehicles on it (if he sticks to that) and he has basically been sending me most of his paycheck every week except for three weeks when I received nothing. All I want now is to remain on his insurance until the divorce is final or until I get medicaid and for him to send me alimony for at least a year or two until I can get back on my feet. And I'm only talking about maybe $150 - $200 a week, just enough to buy groceries, gas and pay utilities. And I'm willing to talk and work things out. I really don't want a contested divorce. I don't want to hurt him. He can have the 401K.

Wow, you are covering everything here.  I do need to really get started taking care of myself and stop just talking about it. You have a lot of great tips there. Thanks. And thanks for all the other helpful suggestions too. I really, really appreciate everything you have suggested for me to do.


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## indypartridge (Oct 26, 2004)

Just a few random comments...

Mediation doesn't necessarily mean you will be sitting at a table facing your husband. During one of many court battles with my ex, we did mediation and were in separate rooms.

If you have any joint credit accounts with your husband, call and close them immediately. I failed to do that and my ex maxed-out out every one.

I've never heard of alimony being tied to being married a specific number of years. While it's no longer common in divorces, I have a friend whose husband left her for another woman, and my friend got alimony for 5 years. It just depends on circumstances, the judge, the lawyers, local practice, etc.

Best of luck,
Indy


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

AR Cattails said:


> My oldest son couldn't help me with the house, of couse, and my youngest son doesn't know anything about much of anything that me should know. His father was never around to teach him or my other son either. I'd have to find help there from somewhere else. I wish I knew more about home repair. Maybe it's not too late to learn.


Google is a wonderfull place to start.


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## SpaceCadet12364 (Apr 27, 2003)

And, it is NEVER too late to learn!


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## TurnerHill (Jun 8, 2009)

Alimony does not become automatic just because you have been married for a certain period of time. Alimony has fallen into some disfavor as a general concept. To the extent that your best chance of receiving spousal support payments may very well be for your husband to agree to them.

One thing that may be considered in determining whether there wil be alimony, and if so how much, is the division of marital property. As in, if one spouse gets most of the property, that spouse is less likely to get alimony.

It is not "too late" for anything. My mother went back to school at 52, became a nurse and then a nurse practitioner, and now in her mid-sixties makes six figures.

As soon as I saw this thread, I cringed. Not only because it is a sad situation, but also because I knew that it would attract comments from posters more inclined to be vengeful than constructive. All-out war may be worth it, when what is at stake is a marital estate of millions, or even hundreds of thousands. But spending tens of thousands fighting over tens of thousands does no one any good.

You need to play the cards you have been dealt. If your husband has been treating you as well as he can afford to, and it sounds like he has, than war is probably not the answer. If, for example, the one thing on the property he has said he wants is the Willys, selling it might make you feel better and get you a few hundred dollars, but it will not help, long term, because it would be a declaration of war.

A truly uncontested divorce can be as inexpensive as the filing fee. Which is probably less than $100. If you can come to an arrangement you can both live with, I encourage you to do so.


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## CarrieAnne (Sep 4, 2009)

I also thought of another thing, is there any food pantrys in the area? not sure how they work, but I know there are several in the city where I work. Some are through churchs, but some arent. If you can find out, maybe they can help, so you could save your money for utilities, and such. We also have a "clothes closet" through our churches, you dont have to belong to one of the churches, but every Sat. you can pick up clothes there, there is no questions asked, ANYONE is welcome. Please check around, you might find some help besides the state stuff. And is SHARE, the food program around? I used to do this when my kids where small, for $18.00 you got a bunch of food.....not sure if thats available anymore or not?????
Stay strong....you already sound happier!


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## mellba (Oct 15, 2004)

AR Cattails, you mention that your son should hear in a couple of months if he has been approved for disability. I don't know about Arkansas, but in GA it is VERY hard to get approved for disability even if the person truly is disabled. If you feel that your son is really disabled and can not work don't give up and try not to get discouraged if he is turned down. You have 65 days to file a reconsideration, and it might be a good idea to do that immediately if he is turned down. If he is turned down again you can file a request for a hearing before a judge. I'd suggest getting an attorney for this. If your son has a good case it should be easy to find an attorney. You should have to pay no up front money, and the attorney's fee will come from the back-pay your son will receive when he gets approved. If your son does not get approved, the attorney does not get paid. I think the attorney may be allowed to ask for some expenses even if the case is not approved, so I'd ask about this before hiring the attorney. In this part of GA it takes right at 18 months from the time of the first application for disability until the hearing. I think the time is different for different places. It is really important to have medical evidence to back up the claim for disability, so if your son has not been seeing a doctor he probably needs to start. Maybe there is some program in your area that helps low income people see a doctor. I know in my area there is one, not government sponsored, but it seems like a lot of people don't know about it. Maybe a doctor could help him with the weight and anxiety issues whether or not he gets disability. Good luck. You sound a lot more hopeful than you did a few days ago, so it seems like you're already getting stronger.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

When things get bad for me, I remind myself that it is bad NOW but by next year it will be much better. You have one hard year to get through: next year will be better. You and your son will have worked through all of this, you two will have a steady income, and you will be comfortable.

This year you work, next year it will be better.

So, get DS signed up for disability. Once you get the divorce sorted out, see if you qualify also: my SIL's disability brings in perhaps $600? a month. I suspect that you will not but I do not KNOW that: your son should qualify. If you have to declare bankruptcy you have to declare bankruptcy. Then go on.

This year you work, and this year you two take care of your respective health. Make sure you keep enough money back from the bills for some HEALTHY eating: do NOT! say "I can live on beans and rice and pay more on the bills"! Instead I want you to keep back enough for vegetables (cheap vegetables is fine), fruit (again cheap is fine but eat FRUIT), lean meat, milk and such. You and your son have exactly ONE! tool to use and you are walking around in it. Figure out a balanced diet, stick to it, google some of the easier home repairs and do them, take care of the needed paperwork and assorted legalities, etc.

You are going to be really, really busy!


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Indy - That is great to know about not having to be in the same room with him during mediation. If we go that route. I don't know if I could stop myself from wanting to run to him and want him to hold me and take away all my hurt and pain, even though he is the one causing it. I don't want to ever see him again if I can help it. I just want to remember him the way I knew and loved him.

TurnerHill - Yes, even though he hasn't been nice to me, he has been good at sending me what money he could and saying I could keep the old place. Of course he hated it but still he could put up a fight over it just to be mean. I had already told him he could keep the Willys and his old pickup there for as long as he needed so we'll see if he eventually takes me up on that.

CarrieAnne - I meant to ask the food stamps place for information about the food bank and where it was. I forgot. I know there is one in town because at church there is a collection for it once a month. I brought in many a bag but never figured I may one day be needing help with my food budget. I'm waiting right now for my husband to text me how much money he is giving me this week so hopefully I won't be needing food bank's help this week.

Melba - here in Arkansas it takes up to 90 days for a disability claim to be decided. We did get an attorney right off and the attorney took one look at my son and said he should get disability. He said that sometimes they will turn you down the first time to weed out those that may just be trying to get some free money but if that happens we will appeal and apply again and he should be approved the next time for sure. Our family doctor, and the lawyer too, referred him to this hospital based weight loss clinic. Unfortunately, we don't have the money it takes to be part of the program. My son says that if he does get back pay from SS, he wants to do the program with that money so he can get help to lose all that weight.

Terri - you are so right. It's going to be a very rough first year and I'm praying it will get easier as time goes on. I will apply for disability but I thought I would wait at least until my son's case gets approved. I thought it may be bad luck for two of us with the same last name attempting to get disability at the same time. I know I have got to throw myself into working on my health issues (and my son's too). Not only would that help us physically but mentally it would give me something else to focus on.

Well, I need to get some bills paid and get out and buy some groceries now. I didn't get all I needed but I know he sent me what he could so I'll stretch it out the best I can. Whoever doesn't get paid this week I'll work on for next week.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

One Suggestion If You Will Need Clothes. Some Of The Food Pantries Have Clothing Or A Resale Shop. I Would Explain My Situation To Someone In Charge And Ask That If They Get Somethings In Your Size Could They Put Them Aside For You. A For-profit Resale Might Do This For You Too. When They Get A Donation Of Clothes From One Person, They Are Usually Around The Same Size, And May Even Be Co-ordinates. (someone Gave My Dad Her Dead Husbands Clothes Once And He Ended Up With A Fantastic Wardrobe. He Had 14 Cats And They Would Snag His Clothes. His Slacks Had Picks From The Knees Down) 
We Have A For Profit Resale Near Us That Donates Unsaleable Clothes To Charity. It May Be Out Of Season, Need A Button, Or The Person Who Consigned It Never Picked It Back Up.


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## JanS (Jul 28, 2002)

The kids and I were on Medicaid briefly after my husband passed away. I don't remember it being dependent on anything except income. Once insurance and such were sorted out, we were done. A note on disability: people say you are usually turned down the first time but have a better chance of being approved on appeal.

I had no handy skills at all and neither did the kids but we have learned a few things like patching the crumbling patio. Now, that doesn't compare with fixing a ceiling that has fallen in but I do have confidence that you can take on a lot of what needs to be done. I bought a book on common household repairs. do searches online and have asked many questions here.  There is a HUGE boost of confidence after you complete something. Even if it is functional but not done to perfection. We are about to try a hand at patching plaster and if that fails, putting up drywall. LOL


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## Homely (Aug 22, 2007)

I've just finished reading this thread. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I wish you all the best during this trying time.


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## backachersfarm (Jun 14, 2005)

You have received a lot of good advice here. The only thing I can add is that if it still bothers you so much that you never got to speak your mind....write him a letter. Even if he never get s it..you still get it off your chest. One thing I have found over the yrs....people read letters....whether they admit it or not. They can't help themselves.


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## Cheryl in SD (Apr 22, 2005)

Just a thought, but I wonder if you would call the local vo-tech and ask if they have any construction programs and if they take projects for training. Be sure to explain your situation and ask for an estimate on materials. 

Since you have been gone for several months (no matter how clean you were to start, it will need it after sitting), I would start with a thorough scrubbing of the house. Not only will it lift your spirits, but it is exercise.  (FWIW, I just lost 28 pounds working in the garden every day. No other exercise, just hard work.)

You mentioned church, if they have a youth group, ask if they would come for a yard cleanup day. Once the place is spotlessly clean, inside & out, you will already feel better and it will be easier to work on and see what HAS to be done.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Thanks, Budsmom, I'll check into that. There is a place here in town that resells clothes and stuff but I've never been there. I think it's the Salvation Army. I'll check it out. When I pass there I see racks of clothes in there just like you would see in a department store so maybe they may have something to fit me.

JanS - I don't know about medicaid except what I've heard (secondhand) and seen. I have an appointment this coming Tuesday morning for my food stamps interview and I will ask the interviewer about medicaid at that time. I have a book somewhere at home about home repairs. I'm sure I'm going to be doing a lot of studying in that book.

Thank you, Homely, I really appreciate that.

backachersfarm - I will do that. I don't know about sending it to him, especially since I don't know where he is staying. But writing it out will be good therapy for me anyways. It might help me to stop talking to him in my head. I'm all the time doing that like I'm trying to explain my side of what he is accusing me of, trying to show him all the ways I've stood by him, been loyal to him, loved him. I'm talking it out to him and I always end up crying. I've figured it must be due to him not allowing me to have my say and that's the only way I can have it even though he isn't really hearing me. 

Cheryl in SD - I looked briefly at the local votech's program offerings and I saw nothing pertaining to construction or home repairs. I have another idea about cleaning up the outside of the place that I might check into sometime. My neighbor is a big time farmer and he is interested in my husband's old welder. I don't know how much to ask for it so maybe I'll give it to him if he will bush hog my little place every 3 months or so. Just something I'm thinking about. And I will definitely give the house as good a cleaning as I can. With parts of the ceiling falling in and parts of the floor splintering and buckling up and the roof basically non-existent (leaks everywhere) I plan on doing what I can anyway.

I'm going to the local vo-tech college this Monday to see if I can start the computer classes now. Reading up on it says it's usually finished in a month's time and I hope to get started immediately so I can have extra time if I need it. Semester ends December 15.

Afterwords, if I still can't find a job around here, I may take a week and go back to my old stomping grounds in Jackson, Mississippi. Stay with my sister and her family. Maybe look up the last employer I had and see if she can help me. I don't know if she will or not but there is a lot more places to seek employment down there then it is around here. 

Till next time...


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

AR Cattails said:


> . . . . . . And I'm only talking about maybe $150 - $200 a week, just enough to buy groceries, gas and pay utilities. And I'm willing to talk and work things out. I really don't want a contested divorce. I don't want to hurt him. He can have the 401K.


I would get in alimony as much as you can. I'm sorry, but with you not working for so long, and the way the economy is, etc, I doubt you will get a job until you go to some college for classes for something. The "just enough for groceries, gas, and utilities" I don't think is going to be enough. At some point you will need another car, at some point you will either have to pay someone to fix the house or even if you do it yourself, you need money for supplies. As for the 401(k) - half of that is YOURS!!!! Don't just walk away from it. You mention you have medical bills you are still paying on - take the half of the 401(k) and pay off your medical bills and whatever is left - invest for your retirement. It's YOURS - don't just roll over because you don't want a contested or a mean divorce.

You have no idea what the future holds, and whatever you can get that you are entitled to - the better off you will be.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

That is all true, Michael. I should fight for more. I just dread it. He can fight dirty if he wants to. I've seen it. And I figure if I fight for half of the 401K then he will decide he wants half of our place and decide to have me pay for half of the truck payoff. He has said I can have the place and the old vehicles on it to do with what I want. He said he would pay off the truck. Those are two big worries off my mind. And if I can get him to pay me some alimony it would be even better. I just thought I would leave him the 401K so he wouldn't say I got everything and he got the shaft. But then he did ask for the divorce. I don't want it. So I will ask an attorney what they think. If I can just find one. I know I need more money for the things you mentioned. My car is on it's last leg. The house is falling in. Not to mention Christmas and birthdays which there is no allotted money for. I need more. I just don't want a fight. But I'll see what I can do.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Christmas and birthdays are wants, not needs. Your kids are grown: make something. Bake cookies. Show love.

It really will be enough: your family knows that you are seeing hard times.

I remember that one year my sister made a picnic kit for me: It was a courderoy bag with compartments, and into those compartments she put plastic silverware, napkins, plastic plates, and such. She embroidered my initials on the front. It was lovely.


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## NostalgicGranny (Aug 22, 2007)

AR Cattails said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> NostalgicGranny - I do want to go back to school and will check into what kind of computer course the local college near me is offering for free. I hope it teaches Windows as well as basic computer skills.


If they don't have a windows class, I have a windows Xp for dummies that I can send you. Just work your way through to the end one chapter at a time.

When I took the classes at our local grade school at night it was $25 a class. Seems like a lot but not once you get that certificate it is well worth it.

How is your typing? If you are rusty download a free typing program and practice. Before you go for an interview.

Also there was a thread on the work at home section of the forum about working for cha cha answering questions online. It sounds like if you did it full time you could make $500-$800 a month. But, I think you need high speed internet, and the ability to type. 
http://homesteadingtoday.com/showthread.php?t=317754

I would wait until you have your foodstamps and medical. Normally they have more than one medical program. One is for the elderly and one isn't. It has been many moons since I had to get foodstamps but they asked right away if I needed any medical services. If they don't ask you, then you need to ask them what other programs you are eligible for. If they give you medical you usually get dental too. Do it all while you have the chance to get it done for free or low cost.


I know what you are going through. My mom and step-dad renewed their vows on their 25th anniversary. He left her about a year and a half later. It was so hard watching her go through all of that pain, and battle cancer at the same time - just broke my heart.

Anyhow I am still praying for you. I just know you will do OK. Your biggest plus is being a member of this forum! There are really good threads on how to live frugally, and also how to do home repairs. In fact act, don't react - go check out the cooking section and ask about frugal meals for two. Those ladies over there will dive right in and give you ideas. Then post about what you can do with your leaking roof. I'm sure someone will have ideas.


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## TurnerHill (Jun 8, 2009)

For all those counseling to fight, fight, fight:

Just how much, in legal bills, is it worth to fight for a 401(k) balance of $12,000?


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## seagullplayer (Nov 6, 2008)

Sounds like he is being more than fair really.

If you get a lawyer to write it up the way you have told it and get him to sign it, you will be coming out pretty well.

I think alimony is a thing of the past, unless you live on TV...


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

If I am understanding you correctly-and I might not be- you get the land, a broken house, and a car free and clear.

He gets the equity in his truck that he uses to earn a living. 

I assume you will split the debts?

This really does sound like the best that you are likely to get.

For the immediate, I see you with a broken heart: I am sorry that I cannot help!

For the short-ish term, I see you getting food stamps, welfare, and disability. 

For the longer run I see you declaring bankruptcy AND KEEPING your house. I see you going back to work, earning a living, and living a good life. 

Seriously.


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## jbowyer01 (Aug 4, 2008)

mellba said:


> AR Cattails, you mention that your son should hear in a couple of months if he has been approved for disability. I don't know about Arkansas, but in GA it is VERY hard to get approved for disability even if the person truly is disabled. If you feel that your son is really disabled and can not work don't give up and try not to get discouraged if he is turned down. You have 65 days to file a reconsideration, and it might be a good idea to do that immediately if he is turned down. If he is turned down again you can file a request for a hearing before a judge. I'd suggest getting an attorney for this. If your son has a good case it should be easy to find an attorney. You should have to pay no up front money, and the attorney's fee will come from the back-pay your son will receive when he gets approved. If your son does not get approved, the attorney does not get paid. I think the attorney may be allowed to ask for some expenses even if the case is not approved, so I'd ask about this before hiring the attorney. In this part of GA it takes right at 18 months from the time of the first application for disability until the hearing. I think the time is different for different places. It is really important to have medical evidence to back up the claim for disability, so if your son has not been seeing a doctor he probably needs to start. Maybe there is some program in your area that helps low income people see a doctor. I know in my area there is one, not government sponsored, but it seems like a lot of people don't know about it. Maybe a doctor could help him with the weight and anxiety issues whether or not he gets disability. Good luck. You sound a lot more hopeful than you did a few days ago, so it seems like you're already getting stronger.


I was going to say the same thing, My DH has been in the process for disability for 4 years here in Ga. I hope it goes much quicker with your son.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Nothing much new to report. I don't feel hopeful about getting food stamps. I went to this website, www.snap-step1.usda.gov/fns/, and used a tool they have to help you see if you will get food stamps and it says I will not get anything. I guess I'll find out tomorrow at my interview.

You all are right about you thinking he is being more than fair. That is the conclusion that I came to, also, and why I already mentioned that I will not contest over the 401K. He can keep it no matter how much is in there, and I feel like it is probably a pretty good amount. If I remember right, what I posted about the last amount I saw which was last December ('08), there was close to $12,000.00. Even though the stock market has gone down some this year, it has also gone back up these last few months. 

He's has been taking care of me pretty well since he's left me. Even though I have a lot of medical bills I can't seem to get on top of, everything else I am able to manage. Except a couple of times when we came up short on grocery money and it was difficult for a few days. Other than that I don't really have any complaints and I don't want to drain him dry no matter how much he hurt me.

When I talk, or text, him again this week, I will present to him what I think is a good plan for our divorce and see if he agrees. Hopefully we can come to an understanding and get it processed without much costs. That's what I'm hoping.


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## Freya (Dec 3, 2005)

Update?


Hope all is well. {{{{hugs}}}}


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## Ravenlost (Jul 20, 2004)

My heart goes out to you as I've been there, done that with two babies to support! 

You mentioned there was a broken down RV. Is it more livable than the house?


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## ceresone (Oct 7, 2005)

My Goodness--Don't drink the water in the Ozarks!!
ArCattails, along with food stamps, they have a heating assistance program, least here in Mo.--and I know Ozark Action works in Ark. too. Also, they have a program that fixes up your house-it's income based, but I'm sure you qualify. Office in West Plains Mo., if you need to check with them--they can also help you with many programs to help you out.
My son, 41, recently left his wife--for a 17 year old-and another friend had her hubby leave same weekend-Thats why I said, don't drink the water!!
I'm guessing your hubby is a long-haul driver--my hubby worked out of Ark. for 21 years.
And believe me--your staying home all those long lonely nights, and keeping the home fires burning is a job in itself.
I'm trying desperatly to keep my DIL going, she needs moral support, mostly. You CAN do it--just dig deep, and stiffen your backbone! Prayers to you.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

I have been thinking about you too, wondering how it was going. Hugs from me too.


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## Shepherd (Jan 23, 2005)

Hugs from Iowa too!


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## wally (Oct 9, 2007)

while you should get one half, the courts will decide what you get..stop having your pitty party and move on with your life . you can still find employment and start a new life when you want 
wally


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## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

my FIL walked out on MIL several years ago. he'd been cheating with another woman for over a year. she is not a nice person--at all--and their relationship was poison at best, but the way he went about leaving is pure scum. 

she got the house (very nice property with horse barn and land in desirable area), 5 years alimony, and many of the household goods, plus half the 401. she hadn't worked in many years (they were married almost 30 yrs), and had no skills. still don't--lives off her *much* older boyfriend now, and govt aid. but she did sell her property and move here (was in IL, now in SD) and buy a home with cash, plus a very nice, almost new van. so there is hope you'll get something to keep your head above water. 

wishing you all the best, please let us know how you are


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Hi everyone. Thanks for inquiring about me. I was so surprised when I saw this post had been brought back to life and even more when I saw the people that had been posting since I last posted here back in October.

Things are pretty much the same as they were. I will be getting evicted from this apartment soon because new owners bought the complex and made a new no-pets policy. I'm not getting rid of my cat so I hope I can find a place to live before they make the surprise inspection they mentioned in the letter. Places are so expensive around here and most have a no pet policy. I've been looking pretty hard and I have found a couple of places but there is never any money to put down for a deposit and the first month's rent.

I saw another lawyer the other day. On my 25th anniversary. Just for a consultation. There is no way I can afford to hire her. Her rate is $665 for an uncontested divorce. She suggested I talk to my husband about the wording of the divorce, what he gets, what I get and to make him the offer of paying me $500 a month alimony from him. And if he agrees to everything, then to let him go ahead and file and pay for it himself. If he doesn't agree and contest it, then I'll have to go back and forth to Chattanooga for hearings and to find a lawyer.

She suggested some low income housing here in town that I wasn't aware of. I thought you had to be disabled or age 62 to live there but she said no that it is just income based so I should be able to get an apartment there if there is an opening. Then I will apply for food stamps. Upon learning of my lack of work history for the past 25 years because my husband and I wanted me to be a SAHM, and my being unable to work the job at Wal Mart because of my health, she suggested that I apply for SSI. Then I hope to get medicaid. My husband still has me under his insurance until we divorce but I can't use it because I can't afford to pay the deductibles and the 20%. I still have medical bills from this summer that I can't pay. 

I'm suppose to have a hysterectomy, but can't afford it. I'm suppose to have a hernia repair, but can't afford it. I need to have 3 crowns put in my mouth but it cost me a little over $400 for each one. That's after insurance pays their part. And once we file for divorce, my lawyer says it should go through within 30-60 days. So my insurance will stop at that point and I doubt I will have been able to have any of these procedures done. Then there is my medicines. With insurance I still pay almost $200 a month. When the insurance is gone it will be probably a thousand or more. My health is my biggest concern. I still need a good kick in the rear end to get me taking better care of myself.

I am doing well concerning him not being in my life anymore. The people who say time will heal are right. There still are times, like over the holidays, but they are few and far between. I'm very excited about being on my own soon once my oldest son gets moved out and on his own. In all my 52 years I have never lived on my own. I can't wait. I'm going to take the free computer course at the tech college now that the holidays are over. And then look for an office job of some sort.

I guess that's the gist of it. Once I get settled in somewhere and make it feel like home I think I will be ok. Once I get my health concerns taken care of I think I will be ok.

Oh, whoever mentioned about getting my house fixed, I will check into that info you gave me. Thanks. The ceiling coming in, the floors buckling and breaking up and walls wet and rotten. And mold...it is everywhere in the house. On all the ceilings, walls, cabinets and drawers in the kitchen, just everywhere. Yuck! I hate going in there but I still have the majority of my stuff in the house, such as it is. 

I'm pretty sure I will be alright in the long run. Thanks for checking.


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## NostalgicGranny (Aug 22, 2007)

I'm praying for you, I just know everything will work out OK!

Once you get ssi aren't you automatically eligible for Medicaid?


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

NostalgicGranny said:


> I'm praying for you, I just know everything will work out OK!
> 
> Once you get ssi aren't you automatically eligible for Medicaid?


I think so. That's what I've heard. But I don't know if you automatically get it or you then have to apply for it. 

Thank you for your prayers.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

I have been thinking about you too. Wondering how you were doing. Hang in there.


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## Carolyn (Jan 5, 2008)

I had SSI-supplimental income, once you are approved, they notify Medicaid for you, BUT you are limited as to extra income you may recieve with SSI. I got a little oil income from my mom (now I get $250.00 a month). It gets really complicated, they send you the alotted money, then you report your income, mine went up and down, then if you go over the amount they will allow, you have to repay back the amount you went over--we sold my moms house, it was divided by 4 and the income wasn't that much( which I invested as a downpayment on a mobile home, because my little mobile home was litterly falling apart) , but I lost my SSI, Medicaid and I still have $1200.00 left to pay back, I pay $25.00 a month. I also have major health issues with hernias-the last 2 surgeries were emergency-one was because of my intestines twisting and the last one was to remove the mesh because I was allergic to the mesh--I have had 5 hernia surgeries and because they removed my mesh, My hernias are incisional so I have a big hernia--almost the size of a soccer ball on the left side of my c-section incisions. The skin is stretched and peels continuely, my bladder is out of place, the doctors told me that I would have to have my abdomenal wall rebuilt-whatever that means. But at this point, nothing can be done until it becomes an emergency-then there is some charity care-but that has changed also. I do ok-but health care is a major major concern. I have bad knees, but am healthy in every other way. I did get 3 years of spousal support and medical insurance paid, but after that, I couldn't afford to pay the health insurance. IF I had to do this again, I would have fought for health insurance. I think you said the lawyer said to go for $500/ month spousal support--hmm I think you can go over the allotted amount by $68. They do subtract for this and that-- I sew and my children take care of my goats and we sell goats milk soap, with the sewing and the soap, I make it, but it takes a lot of preparation to make it year to year. some years are ok, some years--well I make it until things get better. I really would try to get him to keep you on some sort of health insurance, find something you can do-I sew and make soap, keep yourself out of dept, you can do it!!!


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## Carolyn (Jan 5, 2008)

You will also find that once this is done--what a relief and how much stress has been lifted, what a different outlook on life you have. Things are tough and tight, but I now longer have to deal with my ex's problems, just have to take care of myself. I am now 55, I married 24 days after my 20th birthday and was married for 24 yrs, divorce has been final for 11 years --I get a little behind in electric bill and phone bill some times, but not much and since i have been by myself, I have NEVER had anything cut off like I did when I was married, because I didn't know what he spent--I don't have to haul water or melt snow for water, I haven't had to burn boxes for heat  like I did when my children were small and we ran out of coal.-and I am not talking the the 1940's or 1950's I am talking the 1980's and early 1990's. I don't have to hand wash clothes, then try to dry them with a hair dryer. I can do all these things and if I had to, I would, but I told my self assertiveness class I took--when I got my divorce, it was like going on a vacation, I don't have to go anywhere, i have a heated bathroom and don't have to haul water, I am on vacation and it is great. You can do it, it is scary, but you can do it.


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## SFM in KY (May 11, 2002)

I found the biggest problem for me was the lack of medical insurance. I finally got old enough for Medicare, but the unfortunate part of that is that some of the things that need to be done are still not possible because they are either not covered or covered only on a limited basis (dental and optical). 

You do get through it, but it definitely makes major changes in your outlook and attitudes, I think.


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

Good luck AR Cat Tails. People here are rooting for you. BTW if your house is moldy, won't the "stuff" in your house be full of mold spores? I would wash washables, vacuum upholstered furniture, and wear a mask whenever I went in there or dealt with something there.
My allergy dr swears I'm not allergic to molds/mildew but I have noticed it is a definite asthma trigger for me!


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Thank you all for sharing your stories and your experiences with the divorce process with me. I'm really down right now. I called some low-income apartments today, including the housing authority, and it seems like I don't qualify for any of them. I fit the low income part, but they say you have to be 62 or disabled. What about women who have been married for 25 years and get thrown aside by their husbands. Women who have nothing and nowhere to go and are in their '50s.

Carolyn - That worries me about what you say about going over the SSI limit and having to pay them back. Also, having the real estate that caused you to go over the limit. I have 5 acres that right now is no good for me because I have no way to live on it. But I want to keep it in case one day my luck changes and I can afford to buy a mobile home or something on it and move back out there. I may have nothing else in this world but I have that piece of land and I want to keep it. But it seems like that will go against me in filing for SSI or applying to live in low income apartments. Is it not a good thing to have assests?

I was told by the first lawyer I saw that I wouldn't be able to make him keep me on his insurance plan. So I don't know how that will turn out. I wish I could afford a lawyer who would help me with these things. My husband has me over the barrel and I think he knows that. He knows I can't afford to fight him. Heck, I will probably end up with nothing.

I'll call more apartments tomorrow. I don't know now about applying for disability. I don't want $500 a month alimony payments and/or my land keeping me from SSI. I just know there is no way I can make it if I can't find low income housing. The $500 will not get me another place to live and pay food and utilities too.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers while I try to figure this out.


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## seagullplayer (Nov 6, 2008)

Sell the land and use the money to find something to live in!

That place is just rotting away, it will cost you more to clean it up someday than it is worth.


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## Linda J (Oct 13, 2002)

Have you thought of renting a room in someone's home. Around here (Austin) and out in the country also, people are renting their empty bedrooms for some more income, and offering cable tv, kitchen and laundry privileges, internet, etc for 300-400 a month. Maybe there would be a single lady that needs some help keeping her electric on, and would consider renting a room. Check with churches, Craigslist, etc to find listings. Sell your land. When your feet are back under you, you can get another place. You need to live and eat right now.


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## BUDSMOM (Jun 21, 2006)

Another idea-check with a mobile home park-sometimes they have homes for rent reasonable.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I could sell my land but wouldn't get much for it right now. Awhile back a neighbor offered me $12,000 for it but I would like to have more. We paid $25,000 for it. Of course the house is shot and the land is a mess from last year's ice storm. If I could at lease get $15,000, I'd think about it.

Budsmom - there are no mobile home parks near here that I know of.


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## bugstabber (May 12, 2002)

More (((HUGS))).


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

AR - is there a tech school around where you are?
Can you see about getting training with Title 1 and Title 2, as a displaced homemaker, then apply for Pell Grant. This will get you schooling to get a good job, the Pell grant will give some money for schooling, you'll get paid to go to school, and if there are children - free day care and school lunches.
And I think I saw a post somewhere on HT where if you have 6 hours of college you can get a low cost college health insurance policy.

At least it's something, and it's how I went to Tech School in 1985. 
It may work for you.

Angie


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## momtomany (Sep 26, 2009)

I would definitely check with churches for single or elderly women that would like someone to live with them. You might also be able to find a place where you are a "helper" to a disabled person, and can also live there. This can often be a great situation for both people. Be careful though and definitely check it out verrrry carefully before you do anything like this.


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## Carolyn (Jan 5, 2008)

I understand where you are at--it is sooo hard and scary. My daughters help me a lot and my son and his wife pitch in once and a while. I don't know what to tell you about the land. Personally I would try to keep it, do you have someone at the social security office to help you? The man here was very helpful. If you sell it, it will be considered income, they did require me to give access to the amounts in my checking and savings accounts. My mother was young, but went through the 30's, graduated from hs in 1942, my dad was 4 yrs younger than her, but had life really tough, so I was raised to what is considered "prepping", have done it my entire life. I am very thankful, both my parents could take nothing and I mean nothing and make it into something of value. You can do this-everyone has good ideas.


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## luvrulz (Feb 3, 2005)

AR Cattails said:


> Thank you all for sharing your stories and your experiences with the divorce process with me. I'm really down right now. I called some low-income apartments today, including the housing authority, and it seems like I don't qualify for any of them. I fit the low income part, but they say you have to be 62 or disabled. What about women who have been married for 25 years and get thrown aside by their husbands. Women who have nothing and nowhere to go and are in their '50s.
> 
> Carolyn - That worries me about what you say about going over the SSI limit and having to pay them back. Also, having the real estate that caused you to go over the limit. I have 5 acres that right now is no good for me because I have no way to live on it. But I want to keep it in case one day my luck changes and I can afford to buy a mobile home or something on it and move back out there. I may have nothing else in this world but I have that piece of land and I want to keep it. But it seems like that will go against me in filing for SSI or applying to live in low income apartments. Is it not a good thing to have assests?
> 
> ...


Have you tried the Women's Shelters? They helped me find a lawyer that was sympathetic to my situation and they had classes to give me my self esteem back - plus they gave me someone to talk to - free or cheap at least. Try them - you won't be disappointed.....


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## NostalgicGranny (Aug 22, 2007)

AR Cattails said:


> I could sell my land but wouldn't get much for it right now. Awhile back a neighbor offered me $12,000 for it but I would like to have more. We paid $25,000 for it. Of course the house is shot and the land is a mess from last year's ice storm. If I could at lease get $15,000, I'd think about it.
> 
> Budsmom - there are no mobile home parks near here that I know of.


Make a counter offer to your neighbor for the land. Ask for a bit more than you want so he can counter that if he chooses. Ask for $18,000 or even $20,000. If he wants to counter he will offer you less. If he offers you less than your $15,000 tell him you can't take less than $15,500 or $16,000. As my mom used to say you never know till you try.

Plus the money you get from that you may be able to buy a smaller piece of land much easier for you to take care of and without the memories.

And see if hubby will trade the $500 alimony for the health insurance. Then maybe you are still eligible for SSI. Plus it is a lot easier and cheaper to keep health insurance than it is to buy it after you already have a disability.


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## Carolyn (Jan 5, 2008)

I wish there was someone to give some legal advice on the issue. If you take money for the land, it could go against you. the most amount of SSI--the social security supplemental disability one could get even 14 months ago was $668/month. If they look at the fact that you have $20,000 even minus taxes-this is one of your assets for anything you apply for. Maybe the property with a condemmed house would be more of a benefit to you right now.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Carolyn said:


> I wish there was someone to give some legal advice on the issue. If you take money for the land, it could go against you. the most amount of SSI--the social security supplemental disability one could get even 14 months ago was $668/month. If they look at the fact that you have $20,000 even minus taxes-this is one of your assets for anything you apply for. Maybe the property with a condemmed house would be more of a benefit to you right now.


That's why I wish I had a lawyer. I feel if I try to sell it right now it will not help me trying to get SSI or any other help. Yet I wonder if it will help me just sitting there too. It is my homeplace, even though the house is unliveable now. 

Plus I feel like I need to hang on to it for security, when everything else in the world is going against me, I will have that to fall back on. I own a small piece of land. I feel secure even though everything else around me is falling apart. If I ever get enough money to buy a used trailor, I hope to park it there one day and live the remainder of my life there.

I don't know if there is a women's shelter around here or not. I'll try to find out. I know I tried to contact legal aid services and, of course, I didn't qualify for that either.

I will contact the tech school and check on the Title 1/Title 2 programs they may offer there.


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## tiffnzacsmom (Jan 26, 2006)

This site lists shelter's in your state

http://www.domesticpeace.com/shelters.html

You should be able to get some sort of counseling from there for free or nearly so, the household items you may need to get on your feet. They also tend to offer courses to help you get a job and on your feet and are full of resources that can help you.


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## manygoatsnmore (Feb 12, 2005)

Another thing to think about as far as going back to college - not only can you get grants, possibly tuition wavers, etc, but work study! They can find you a job that is suited to your physical limitations, and it can provide a fair bit of additional income during each semester. Combined with the spousal support, it could make the difference between making it and not. IIRC, work study is tax free and doesn't count against you for food stamps and medicaid - but that was many years ago for me and in a different state. I have no idea if it is the same now or where you are. I'm sure you could call and ask.

I would not sell the land, but would keep my eyes open for an older mobile home, a single wide, that could be moved to your land. Sometimes you can find them FREE for the hauling. They may need some cleaning and repair, but if they are in better shape than your house, it coud be an option. 

Or, have you considered looking at a camp trailer? You may be able to find one on a sales lot and be able to get financing like you were buying a car. Payments of $200/month leaves you $300/month for the rest of your expenses, plus whatever you can get in financial aid through the college. 

If the house truly is not liveable and it would cost more to fix than it is worth, ask the fire dept to use it for a practice burn - cheaper than paying for it to be torn down, and gives you a clean foundation to place a mobile home or camp trailer and hook to the septic and water.

Another option could be buying an actual motor home - a small one, but big enough for you and your kitty. Again, you can probably get financing through a lot or a credit union (probably better interest rate through a credit union), and you would have a roof over your head that you could move as needed. You can fill the water tanks and empty the gray and black water tanks at parks or other places - I know that there is a free fill and dump station in each of 2 local towns here - I bet there is something similar where you are. You could park close to the college and just move it from place to place every few days, saving most of the cost of a drive back and forth from your land to school. Wal-mart allows RV owners to camp free in their parking lots, and there are lots of places with park and ride lots or fishing areas by rivers...you could have a mini-vacation in many different places with all your home comforts right with you. Or you could be a volunteer park host - that usually gives you free hookups and maybe a small stipend.

I know there is no way to make your ex keep you on his insurance - the insurance company won't allow it. Could you get your ex to take a little of the money from his retirement to help you buy a camp trailer or motor home (an older, but sound one)? Then you would have a roof over your head and no payments, and that $500 a month would go a lot further.

One thing I did to make money when I was a newly divorced college student with very little money was to buy furniture and baby equipment at garage sales, clean and repair them and resell them through newspaper ads. I made some pretty good money - not huge amounts, but enough to help pay the rent and keep the lights on. Of course, I was living in town at the time where I could find buyers more easily. 

I know you don't want to hear this, but if you could find a temporary home for your kitty and stay where you are while you figure out what to do next, it might give you some breathing room. Do you have any friends or family that could shelter your furbaby for a while? It's better than being evicted - that can effect getting another apartment.

I know I'm throwing a lot of different options/ideas out there, but that's the point - I want you to know that *you HAVE options!!!!* Call the nearest shelter for advice on where to go from where you are and the financial aid dept at the closest community college for advice on how to navigate the system there. I know it looks bleak to you right now, but there is a big, beautiful world out there and you ARE going to bloom in it eventually.


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## reese7866 (Jan 3, 2010)

Good job everyone.. i just have one thing to add.. in a few years when you are settled back on your little homestead in a trailer with a garden, being self sufficient with some chickens and a little job and maybe a home based business.. happy as can be... HE WILL WANT YOU BACK AND DONT YOU DARE TALK TO HIM!!!  XO


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## rscheiderer (Dec 30, 2009)

I hate being so cynical, but my guess is that he's kept you on hold for these four months so that he could hide assets and set things up to suit himself. Don't settle for a cheap lawyer. Get a good one. They'll see to it that he pays their fee.
Good luck and may your sword-arm be strong and swift.


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## TurnerHill (Jun 8, 2009)

I want to know what insurer is writing medical insurance policies that would allow this guy to keep his former wife on his policy after the divorce is final. My insurer sure wouldn't allow it.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

TurnerHill said:


> I want to know what insurer is writing medical insurance policies that would allow this guy to keep his former wife on his policy after the divorce is final. My insurer sure wouldn't allow it.


No, we are not divorced yet. He said he would keep me on his insurance up until the divorce is final, which should be in a couple of months now.

I talked to him yesterday about a lot of stuff that's gotten stolen from our old place and while on the phone I asked him if he has filed for divorce yet. He says he can't because he's been giving me all his money. But he is getting his quarterly bonus next week and he was planning on using that to get a lawyer.

I mentioned to him that I had consulted with a lawyer and that she suggested that with what we have already agreed on (that he gets the 401K and I get the 5 2/3rd's acre), that I make an offer to him that I would accept $500 a month alimony until he retires (about 9 years or so). He accepted. Says that he will send me the bonus money to go ahead and hire the lawyer and get the papers drawn up. The lawyer had told me that once we file that it should take 30 to 60 days.

So, thankfully, it seems like this should be over soon.

I still haven't found me a place to live. It might come down to sleeping on my parent's couch or on the streets. Neither one is appealing. But I'm still keeping my eyes open. Looking for that miracle.


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## Carolyn (Jan 5, 2008)

My health insurance was something that my lawyer put into the package- he paid for 36 months of health insurance, but now I wish I would have checked into-it was court ordered. my youngest daughter and I lived with my mother off and on-no not ideal at all, but it worked.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

AR Cattails said:


> It might come down to sleeping on my parent's couch or on the streets. Neither one is appealing. But I'm still keeping my eyes open. Looking for that miracle.


I slept on my mothers couch for 4 years , with two kids. I was a displaced homemaker too, no skills, no assets, no money, nothing. We left with our clothes and some of the kids toys. My mom helped me out while I got help and a hand up. 
I got through nursing school with grants, loans and scholarships, and now I am an RN.

Sleeping on the parents couch is not the worst thing in the world. I wouldn't be a nurse today if it werent for my mom


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Shygal, I too would sleep on my parent's couch. Really there is no way I would be out on the streets. I was just being a little sarcastic and a whole lot of depressed when I mentioned that.

The reason why is that my family, from my father's side, absolutely love to fight and argue about every little thing. Every member of my father's side of the family was like that, his parents and all his sibings. I don't think they even realized it. Whatever they were arguing about would be soon forgotten and they would be laughing.

It was heck on my mom living through that. She never could laugh things away and get over it as they all did. And I'm the same way. I'll do anything I have to do to not be around all the fighting. Anything. My father is the only one left out of his family. My two sisters and one brother take after him. My oldest brother and I take more after my mom.

So that is the main reason why I would rather not have to stay there. But of course I would rather then end up on the street.


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## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

i think the camp trailer is a real thought you should consider, unless your health won't work that way. some breathing room on your own place may help you keep your thoughts clear. i lived in one for 9 months this last year, and in many ways, it was nice. mine is an older, rather frumpy model, but it felt like home. 

best of luck to you, tho. no matter where you live!


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## TurnerHill (Jun 8, 2009)

AR Cattails said:


> No, we are not divorced yet. He said he would keep me on his insurance up until the divorce is final, which should be in a couple of months now.
> 
> I talked to him yesterday about a lot of stuff that's gotten stolen from our old place and while on the phone I asked him if he has filed for divorce yet. He says he can't because he's been giving me all his money. But he is getting his quarterly bonus next week and he was planning on using that to get a lawyer.
> 
> ...


I understand that. My post was directed toward those who are telling you to, "make him keep you on his insurance."

If his insurance is like mine, you might as well try to make him flap his arms and fly. It just isn't happening.


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