# Why can't we be friends.......



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Gal I know has a profile on Match.

It's pretty straight forward, not "loves to laugh, loves to travel, loves to cuddle" kind of crap....lol.

She's met 2 guys, good meet, good conversations, etc.
Chatted w/ them a couple weeks - 10 days before the meet.
Nothing after the meet.
No text, email, nada.

Before both meets, she made it clear; hey, if there are no 'sparks' etc, she's absolutely open to just being friends, hanging out, just grabbing a beer, etc.

Her childhood friend from school has met and dated several guys, only for them to say "you work too much". 
She owns her own business and has Saturday nights, Sunday and Monday's off. 
She can't text all day, email all day, etc. 
2-3 of them were REALLY into her......then poof. Gone.

I have noticed that plenty of profiles have clearly stated that they (men) are not looking for drama, someone w/o a job, someone who's a bar fly, someone who has a car. 
Some have gone so far as to say they are "not a sugar daddy or meal ticket".

This indicates to me that men are looking for a woman who is independent and capable of taking care of herself.

I have also noticed that they (men) are in a big hurry to meet, then want to text 24/7-365 and if you don't respond fast enough, they get huffy "HELLO ARE YOU THERE".......that kind of crap.

Confused party of one.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

As to your last para. Men are insecure around women. They want to know that the woman is interested continually, BUT they may not want her to be a clinging vine. Delicate tight rope for the woman.


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## coolrunnin (Aug 28, 2010)

FarmboyBill said:


> As to your last para. Men are insecure around women. They want to know that the woman is interested continually, BUT they may not want her to be a clinging vine. Delicate tight rope for the woman.


Nope not all men are insecure around woman, I interact nearly every day with no problems, when I was dating way back when never had a problem just walking up and saying hi and went from there.


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## Ellendra (Jul 31, 2013)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I have noticed that plenty of profiles have clearly stated that they (men) are not looking for drama, someone w/o a job, someone who's a bar fly, someone who has a car.
> Some have gone so far as to say they are "not a sugar daddy or meal ticket".
> 
> This indicates to me that men are looking for a woman who is independent and capable of taking care of herself.


What too many guys mean by that, is they want someone who'll jump into bed with them, but won't expect the guy to still be around afterward.

They're looking for easy lays. Your friend wasn't one, so they dropped her to look for easier pickings.

I can be cynical, but I'm often right.


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## coolrunnin (Aug 28, 2010)

Ellendra said:


> What too many guys mean by that, is they want someone who'll jump into bed with them, but won't expect the guy to still be around afterward.
> 
> They're looking for easy lays. Your friend wasn't one, so they dropped her to look for easier pickings.
> 
> I can be cynical, but I'm often right.


I'd say your spot on there... we can be such pigs...lol


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Here's what I think:

Men my age (47 and up); their kids are late teens early 20's.
Men were the center of attention until the kids were born.
For 15-20 years children were being raised.
Now that they kids are old enough to care for themselves, men want to again, be the center of the universe.

They need constant contact, texting 24/7.
They need 24/7 access.....you need to be available to them on a seconds notice.
They need to hear how 'funny, smart, wonderful' they are, constantly.

That is why I have this in my profile:



> What am I looking for?
> 
> Honesty, Integrity, Honor, Courage, Loyalty.
> Someone who cups their hands around my face and looks on me like they have the biggest most precious Ruby on earth.
> ...


I KNOW not all men are pigs, I know it for a fact.
I just don't know where they are hiding.
MY guess is........they are happily married, or they have been so burned by a bad female(s) they have succeeded from the dating game........


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## Steve_S (Feb 25, 2015)

Maybe some will not like this... but what else do you expect to find on a dating / meet up site ? Anonymous, behind the screen, write whatever fantasy they come up with to "market themselves" and of course always the "Nice Veneer". Applies to BOTH Genders or ALL - geez it's confusing these days but whatever. 

Best place to meet anyone of real quality is through activities, functions, personal interactions. I met my Darling ON-LINE BUT NOT THROUGH DATING SITES ETC... Through Work - Professional interaction and we became friends and chatted over a couple of years related to work & problem solving technologies and that bloomed into something amazingly terrific... Been together 6 years now. *All in the fullness of time* which underlines "good things come to those that wait"

Even meeting someone THROUGH HERE is a better chance because you at least start off with something in common which is a better base to start anything from... From Friendship on up to serious Love Interests.

BTW: Good Men who have been burnt badly will be wary and hesitant which is perfectly natural, women do the same right... why should anyone be different in that regard... The 15% that are pigs can stay with the Swine Herd while the rest of us forage quietly paying no mind and doing our thing. *Wherever you are Casting your Lures will determine the kind of Fish you Catch.*


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

The friends thing would be great if there wasn't the presumption of hope on either side of something developing in the future. I think one or the other may avoid that for that reason alone.

I've had offers to continue things as friends. I always figured any further interaction on my part could be misconstrued as wanting something more than being friends. Limited interaction is ok. At some point the question can still arise, "What's going on?"

It's often simpler to move on.


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## HappySevenFarm (Jan 21, 2013)

Darren said:


> The friends thing would be great if there wasn't the presumption of hope on either side of something developing in the future. I think one or the other may avoid that for that reason alone.
> 
> I've had offers to continue things as friends. I always figured any further interaction on my part could be misconstrued as wanting something more than being friends. Limited interaction is ok. At some point the question can still arise, "What's going on?"
> 
> It's often simpler to move on.



I have been confused by this 'continuing as friends if there are no sparks' thing. I'm sure if I ever find the one I'm looking for, she would prefer that I not have 20 female friends the same age as she is! I know I wouldn't want her to have that many male friends. I only need one close female friend and hopefully we will be all that we each need.....if that makes sense! Lol


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

I like having friends of both sexes, but then again I am single. :huh:


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## WolfWalksSoftly (Aug 13, 2004)

Anymore I just like to rate images.....


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

Its been many years since I dated, but what I found was the older you get the more time you put into living your own life, your working your butt off to make ends meet with one income, dealing with kids moving on having grand kids, re working your family life. The men I meet are also dealing with some of the same stuff, but they wont tell you about it. They still think they are young and attractive the gods gift to the ladies, but balls hanging low. our pirorityies change as we get older. We are no longer the young grab and go people. We are tired, sore, have heard all the lines one too many times.


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## WolfWalksSoftly (Aug 13, 2004)

Glad I know my limitations. Also glad my manhood functions as it always has. Just when does this low hanging stuff start?


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Some of my body parts are a bit lower than they used to be.......just saying.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

Umm now I'm confused. 
She met 2 guys. 
Neither was "the one"
They moved on what did you expect. ? 
Does everybody else you meet turn into your best friend ?


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Let me clear the confusion..........

She emailed w/ 2 men.
She met both men.
During the course of conversation during those meets, she made it clear that she was available to have a beer, see a show, etc even if 'dating' was not going to happen.

My question, that you either missed or ignored, was;

Even if there's no "love connection" why don't men want to be friends / pals?
Why can't men (single men) have female friends?

I don't know why you are so hateful.......it was a simple question, that was intelligently answered by many here on ST.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Who says they HAVE to be friends? Maybe the guys would just simply *prefer* to be with other guys for those things?

Yeah, they "talked", traded info, thought they should meet. DID meet, and there's nothing there, for whatever reason. Maybe she gave off the wrong vibes. So what? Someone, somewhere will like them! Move on!

Mon


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

Kinda like the song do your ears hang low


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## Allen W (Aug 2, 2008)

Something seems backwards about wanting to be friends after a date that didn't work out. If their isn't enough interest for a second date what would there be to build a friendship from?


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## Fennick (Apr 16, 2013)

> During the course of conversation during those meets, she made it clear that she was available to have a beer, see a show, etc even if 'dating' was not going to happen.
> 
> Even if there's no "love connection" why don't men want to be friends / pals?
> Why can't men (single men) have female friends?


By making it clear that she was available even if dating was not going to be happening it made her sound desperate and needy for any old port in a storm. As in she'll take whatever second hand tidbits of part time companionship she can get from a relative stranger even if the guy isn't into her enough to want to date her.

That's insulting. It's also an open invitation to abuse and be abused and an indication that she comes with extra baggage. Careful men who are not abusers and who don't want to be abused will be wary of any emotionally needy woman who issues an invitation like that.

The whole point of dating is to get to know a person better, to find common factors, strengths and compatibilities that will help bind them together for a potential future together as mates.

If a man meets a woman and determines from that one meeting that he doesn't like her enough to want to date her and get to know her better, why would he want to be her friend? He doesn't like her. People don't become friends with people they don't like.

Single men do have women for friends but they have to like them first before a friendship can grow. And men don't like to feel as though the women they associate with as friends consider them to be just any old port in a storm that will do for the time being until Mr. Perfect comes along to take them away.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I always had the idea that if she wasn't interested in me, but wanted to be friends, its cause she wanted to have a guy hanging in her tool belt to help her with something she couldn't do by herself. IN RETURN, she might bake him a pie/make a dinner.
BUTT
IF a guy needs some kind of help with something he cant do by himself, Ie usually needs another GUY.
I cant see being a womans handiman to get a pie/cake/meal when I can make meals by myself, and live just as good off my cooking as hers, and not have to do any work to get it, OR have my mones moaning all night cause I happened to accidently see something of hers that I hadn't seen in a long time.

Not being hateful. Jus sayin


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Later in life, time is short in supply. We usually have more friends than we have time. I don't see someone who is dating to find a romantic partner having a lot of extra time for new platonic friends.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Bill, your cooking stinks! 

Mon


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

bUTT, Im overweight lol


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I guess that's what www.meetup.com is for.....friends and such with common interests.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Let me clear the confusion..........
> 
> She emailed w/ 2 men.
> She met both men.
> ...



Did you mean me ? 
I certainly didn't mean it as hateful. 

We all meet lots of interesting people. 
There are lots of interesting people that I feel friendly towards. 
Aquaintences. 
But it takes a special bond to be friends. 
Dating sites are usually to find those very special people that we desire to share our lives and bodies with. 
Someone that would be perfect for the one might not fit or even be wanted in the other position. 
It's something I've struggled with.


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## FarmerJoe (Nov 14, 2009)

I've said before, men don't go to dating sites looking for friends. Not all are looking to get some _ _ _. There are some looking for a relationship. If you want friends, try the platonic section on craigslist. 
I do see lots of women who say if it doesn't work out we can be friends. I see multiple problems with this. I had been talking with someone and was thinking they might not be what I was looking for, but they lived fairly close and was thinking about the friends only thing. That didn't happen either. The problem is that if/ when I find someone, I am going to want to do those things with them. And she may not want me spending time with another woman.

I don't know about the 24/7/365 but I want to give one woman all my attention, and she give me hers. I'm sure you want the same Laura.

Poor guys... If they call/text too much they are needy and if not enough they are players. Fine line to follow.


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Someone, somewhere, somehow there will be the right fit for me.
I do belive that.
Not forefront in my mind looking, just living my life, doing what I do, and open to the possibility. &#9825;


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

> I don't know about the 24/7/365 but I want to give one woman all my attention, and she give me hers. I'm sure you want the same Laura.
> 
> Poor guys... If they call/text too much they are needy and if not enough they are players. Fine line to follow.


Joe, it sure would be nice to share time with someone!!
I'm just sharing my knowledge/experiences. 
I have a couple of friends on dating sites, and I have a profile on POF.....had one on FO but let it expire. 

I cannot emphasize in strong enough words, just how much I love men.
I love them.
They are my favorite flavor.
Not in a hubba hubba I'm a hussy kind of way, but (most) men are down to earth, not complicated, pretty straight forward. 
I'm not pickin' at or on men........
I am just sharing my experiences and the experiences of those close to me.

I am not a huge fan of texting. 
Not beyond "can you pick up milk on the way home" or "did you make it home alright". 
The young man I am messaging with now on POF, I have explained to him my crazy schedule, and the fact I do not have the ap on my phone; that explains my sporadic messages, but do not misconstrue that as "I am not interested".
He's a busy man too; just bought an old farm house, works 3rd shift, etc.
So far, so good!! I may actually meet this guy......he seems legit!! 

The whole dating game is a fine line.
If "sparks" don't fly the second you meet, (a lot, not all) guys are like "NEXT".
Which, in my opinion, is a blessing for the female because if he lets his feelings and emotions rule him that much? RUN FOREST RUN.

I told my gf the best place to make 'friends' is to find a place to volunteer, or try meetup.com. That seems to make the most sense.


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## Steve_S (Feb 25, 2015)

Interesting Thread indeed, different angles and opinions... NEATO !

Well... Magz (my GF) is constantly chuckling at me because I rarely if ever actually swear or cuss (there's gotta be good cause) but I am in a sense spread across time & cultures because of my sayings and manners... I say: Dang, Darn, Shnootz, Gee Wiz, Golly, Gosh and similar but then I use many international colloquialisms which really mixes things up. Also having 5 languages I can get quite colourful too. While I open the car door for her, walk on the "street side" of the sidewalk whenever we are together, hold doors open and pull out chairs etc... she consistently points out the rarity of those things these days. Old World manners ? Maybe, I rather think cosmopolitan... We have even had the odd question / comment from folks as we treat each other equally that way - all good & sweet comments BTW.

To be clear... I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ANYONE ! so not a sales pitch as I am very happy with things. BUT RATHER to point out that there are still a lot of good people out there with values you can appreciate and would enjoy as a part of your life.

The reason I post this, in this manner may have you wondering... It's simple really... I am a reasonably handsome fellow and good shape and had a very interesting & full life BUT I was always the guy that women said "Your the Nice Guy, the Good Friend I can count on, You'll always be my best friend".... Their LOSS & Magz Gain.

SO I will put forward to those of you seeking a Mate.... How many of you knew that "Such a Nice Guy" or "Such a Nice Lady" ? and kept on trodding your path ? Always looking for something a tad exciting & possibly overly adventurous ? 
Drawn / Attracted to the "Bad Boys & Rough Girls" and always getting trounced ?

Just something to Ponder Upon and reflect back onto... Just be honest and ask yourself & ANSWER yourself as to whether you have been making the right choices for the right reasons or just following the .............

Have a Marvy Day everyone !


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## Steve_S (Feb 25, 2015)

Gee... Must've struck a nerve... The crickets are loud... LOL. Hopefully not a nerve but rather a Positive Point leading to a lot of pondering the question. Remember, your only answering YOURSELF not anyone else... so it's fine to be perfectly honest. No Shopping Therapy required LOL.

Ohhh Bother... One thing I omitted too but it is obvious... I am Also Canadian ! so Please, Thank You, Your Welcome and I''m sorry if I bumped into you is Bog Standard as well... (have noted that is slowly changing and for the worse... ughness.... )

PS: Did you know that Plenty of Fish was Canadian (British Columbia actually) till it was bought by that Biggy matchup company.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

What is shopping therapy?


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## Nsoitgoes (Jan 31, 2016)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> What is shopping therapy?


It is when you go shopping not because you need something, but to cheer yourself up. I suppose the thinking is "I am worthy of this." Or "I deserve to be pampered" or some such.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

And sometimes it's just an "I want to do something illogical and needless" moment.

Mon


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Nsoitgoes said:


> It is when you go shopping not because you need something, but to cheer yourself up. I suppose the thinking is "I am worthy of this." Or "I deserve to be pampered" or some such.


That seems like a bad idea; unless you have a 'shopping therapy fund'?
Is this something men do????


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Maybe, SOME men. Buy new fishing tackle, a new gun, another tractor lol


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

it's something women and men do . most of the women I've talked to lately have done this after their so passed thinking it would help. they found out very quickly that it doesn't. ~Georgia


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## FarmerJoe (Nov 14, 2009)

> Is this something men do????


My ex was a therapy shopper. Made her happy ... for a while. She didn't have a fund, she had credit cards.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

> Gee... Must've struck a nerve... The crickets are loud... LOL. Hopefully not a nerve but rather a Positive Point leading to a lot of pondering the question. Remember, your only answering YOURSELF not anyone else... so it's fine to be perfectly honest. No Shopping Therapy required LOL.


So this comment is really a sexist comment saying one thing for all to read, but the meaning behind it is something very unkind?


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

FarmerJoe said:


> My ex was a therapy shopper. Made her happy ... for a while. She didn't have a fund, she had credit cards.


I hope they were exclusively in her name......so that her irresponsibility was solely her responsibility.


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## Steve_S (Feb 25, 2015)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> So this comment is really a sexist comment saying one thing for all to read, but the meaning behind it is something very unkind?


If you have decided to perceive it as such, that is not in anyone else's control. It certainly was not intended as a sexist anything... It's disturbing to see the negative progression those few words have taken. Symptomatic of the negativity in society today.

Generally (as a generalisation) people who resort to shopping therapy (regardless of gender or orientation) are often unrealistic and refuse to be honest with themselves, regardless of the consequences. Just like the consequence of shopping to prop up a depressed mood, it's momentary until the bill arrives and the worse they feel.... the cycle...

Interesting example of how perceptions can Fold, Spindle & Mutilate something into an issue. Do we really need to make something out of nothing ? There are enough REAL ISSUES in the world to deal with aren't there ?

BTW: My Ex used Shopping Therapy which I did not know about (she was in charge of accounting & banking) and after her removal from the family home and when I finally got the bills.... There was only DEEP RED INK as she had tapped out every last penny she could and maxed my credit to the limit. She was never honest with anyone for anything as it turned out... even her parents, you name it.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

> Generally (as a generalisation) people who resort to shopping therapy (regardless of gender or orientation) are often unrealistic and refuse to be honest with themselves, regardless of the consequences. Just like the consequence of shopping to prop up a depressed mood, it's momentary until the bill arrives and the worse they feel.... the cycle...


Good news for Laura!!
I had no idea what 'shopping therapy' was; so I clearly don't have issue w/ being unrealistic and I am completely honest w/ myself!! WHOOOO HOOOOOO!!

Depression I do understand, but kudos to someone who truly suffers from depression that can pull themselves together and go out and senselessly shop.......It's everything I can do to get up and brush my teeth.

http://shrink4men.com/2010/11/15/hi...ing-distortion-rage-and-manipulation-diagram/

The crux of this thread was "why can't males and females who meet on line just be friends"? 
Great reasons why and why not. 
Ultimately online dating sites are not places to meet friends: Volunteering and meetup.com are more 'friends making' places.
We pretty much cleared it up by the time you came in........


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## Steve_S (Feb 25, 2015)

Think Back....

WHO started Shopping Therapy & put it into the Public Consciousness ?
Then answer Below:
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rqNZAIQH4U[/ame]
and 
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcQzdYk7QHE[/ame]

so go after Hannah Barberra !


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## HappySevenFarm (Jan 21, 2013)

I'm not a betting man but I'd about bet my house that 'shopping therapy' was around long before the Flintstones! (The show.....not the Stone Age! Lol) Not that tv shows don't help the problem along it's merry way and make it okay in people's minds. I'm sure the 'idiot box' has changed the thinking of many people.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Happy I am all about personal responsibility, instead of blaming the TV for choices!!


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

newfieannie said:


> it's something women and men do . most of the women I've talked to lately have done this after their so passed thinking it would help. they found out very quickly that it doesn't. ~Georgia


Georgia, This reminded me...

After my husband died a few days before Christmas in '08, I decided to take some money (more than we usually spent) and spend the usual Christmas morning at the Casino nearby. Needless to say, what was our annual "event" turned out pretty lame without him there with me.

A couple days later, I went to the jeweler we had used and bought a special ring...a ruby with a small diamond nestled beside it. To always remind me that it's not what we do that's enjoyable, it's who we do it with.

Mon


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## FarmerJoe (Nov 14, 2009)

> I hope they were exclusively in her name......so that her irresponsibility was solely her responsibility.


They were in her name, but that's not how it works here. Marital property law. What's mine is hers and versa...
She could spend 20K a year more than I could make. Cost me a 150 acres of farmland.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Joe that sucks. I am so sorry.


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## Nsoitgoes (Jan 31, 2016)

Well, I guess my DH was a lucky man. I am one of the few women in the world apparently who absolutely abhors shopping. I put off even shopping for essentials as long as possible.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I am with you.
I hate it when the grocery store moves things around.
I like to walk in, get what I want, and leave.
I spend more for my clothes because I hate shopping so much, I will pay the extra so it will last longer, and keep me out of the stores.


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## Susan Mary (May 8, 2004)

Lillysfindsresale


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