# That one family member



## Lilith (Dec 29, 2012)

They say there is one in every family; mine happens to be my husband's biological father. He was absent till my husband was 14 - and now, he is just a mooch. I put up with him "crashing" on our couch for over a year and kicked him out 4 years ago because he wouldn't even get a job and was even to lazy to get on food stamps. When I did, he went through several other family member's houses, and when all of them had finally kicked him out, he went back to driving truck. On top of it all, every time he is home, he is drunk! A mean, nasty, cruel drunk at that. 
I refuse to take him in during a shtf situation, but my husband craves the attention he never got from the @$$ as a child and wants me to include him in our preps. His argument is that his dad is going to mooch anyway, so we might as well be ready for it. My idea of ready is not the same as his. Mine is way closer to a no trespassing sign and a 12 gauge loaded with a rock salt load then a lead slug behind it. 
Any others out there in the same boat? How do you handle it with your spouse / prep team when they want to include someone you know will just be dead weight?


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## Billie in MO (Jun 9, 2002)

Yes, I think most everyone has one. Us included, several in fact. My solution won't probably help anyone but this is how we solved it. We moved almost a 1000 miles away from them. They still try to find ways to cause problems, but, I have no worries that they will show up here. No money for gas, no idea how to find our place, (none have been here), and right now they are not speaking to us! Yeah!! Not speaking to us for 1 1/2 years for some and longer for others. Doesn't bother me any.

This is my Bill's family and it took him longer to come around and finally accept how his family was treating us after everything we had done for them. But he eventually got to the point where he had had enough, said so, and now suddenly we are the bad guys! Love it!!

Hope you find that balance for you.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

in my family it would be a cousin in n.c.drugs-drugs&more drugs! hope he doesn't remember how to get here.i'll feel real bad about shootin him......honest


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

I have never liked my Dh's parents, too fake, ignorant, ect. They ,I'm sure never knew. I put up with it best I could until before mothers day this year. I'm done, Dh is pretty much done but still feels the need to keep things on a surface level.My Dh sounds much like yours,because the man that raised him is not his father, so he tryed to get the jerks approvial. It is very hard on him to have to accept the truth about his parents now that he was hurt by them this last time. Christmas was very hard for him and he was not "nice" yesterday. Looks like I have a whole year to come up with a plan for us to have a real Christmas.


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## mekasmom (Jan 19, 2010)

Lilith said:


> His argument is that his dad is going to mooch anyway, so we might as well be ready for it.


My opinion on your situation is that it certainly won't hurt to store some extra food and supplies in case of emergencies. And, honestly, chances are this will never become a real issue anyway. You can cross the bridge of providing for "dad" or not if the situation ever really arises. But storing some extra rice and extra garden crops won't hurt anything.
I would suggest that you and your husband have a real conversation about how he feels about his dad handing around when he is in need. If it upsets or makes dh uncomfortable, but he can't say, "no", then you might have to be the one to stand up to the guy and say it. And, if your hubby really does want to help out his Dad, then you have to decide if you can bare that or not. 

As far as food storage, having extra is never a bad thing. You will always be able to use it in a rainy day. So store some extra for "dad". It won't hurt anything to have it. As far as how much "help" to provide for dad...... That is a conversation you and your hubby need to have.


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## myheaven (Apr 14, 2006)

I have 5 such family members. I'm armed to the teeth.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

Lilith,keep dear dad around.if zombies attack? u only have to outrun him!:drum:


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## gundog10 (Dec 9, 2014)

I would let your husband know your fears (and you should be). A mean drunk can be dangerous to not only you but other family members. May need to get tough and let you husband know that his father is not welcome in your home period. If he ever shows up you will call the police (fear of life) the cops will haul his butt out of there and i'll bet he will never return. If your husband doesn't like it, there is space in the back seat for two. Those who say just buy extra food most likely have never lived with a mean drunk.


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## ovsfarm (Jan 14, 2003)

My mother and my husband's mother would not be able to pull their weight in a SHTF situation, but we have enough stores for them and would certainly offer them a place to come live. However, I do believe both would at least try to do everything they possibly could to contribute - cooking, child care, sewing, darning, etc. 

Beyond that, "if a man shall not work, neither shall he eat" (2 Thess. 3:10) And we do have a couple of siblings and their spouses that might fall into that category. One has probably guessed that we prep and the other, even though older, has always looked to us to "save" him. All I can say is that they had better show up with work gloves, a lot of hand tools, some food and a brand new attitude, if they expect me to let them in here. I honestly doubt either one would come. They know how hard we work around here, during easy times. I am sure they can imagine how much harder than that it would be during difficult times, and it seems that they prefer to avoid work like it was the plague. We have plenty of land for all our family who would want to relocate, but I will not tolerate any freeloaders.

There is one family we know through church that we know we could count on and who have important skills. We have told them that they have an open invitation to come if/whenever they need. I would trust them more than my own extended family to have my back.


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## BlackFeather (Jun 17, 2014)

I bounced this off my family, they said he'll be stealing your stuff and selling it for booze. If you were to take him in, the house is dry, and if he doesn't work he doesn't eat. Frankly, your husband needs to get a set and stand up to his father. His allegiance should be to you first. As far as the crap hitting the fan, It isn't up to you to take care of anyone else but your own immediate family. He is an adult if he chooses not to try and foresee the future and prepare that is his problem, he can starve. If this is going to be the tribulation mentioned in the Bible, the tribulation is where God allows one evil to consume another till in the end evil destroys itself. Don't find yourself in a position of supporting evil else you may pay the price too.


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## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

You and your DH have to come to an agreement, you are each going to have to give in some to make it work. What your solution should be, I have no idea. 

If it we me in your shoes I would say IF the Bio-FIL is going to be allowed to come to your place then you MUST have a dry house. NO ONE can drink any kind of alcohol for any reason, ever. This needs to be in Stone and widely know BEFORE any SHTF. If Dh doesn't like that provision....then he can just deny his Bio-Dad entrance onto the property....and then your property doesn't HAVE to be dry.


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## manygoatsnmore (Feb 12, 2005)

I have one sister that seems to think she is helpless and expects that others will do for her. Drives those of us who don't share that view of her a little crazy, especially as she is also grouchy and prickly most of the time. I can't imagine sharing a home with her. Thankfully, she's more likely to look to other family living closer to take care of her (I'd love to be a fly on the wall, though, when the news is broken to her that she will be working and working hard).

We also have a brother that drops in and out of life randomly - as he is a pedophile, he'll NEVER set foot in my home. Him, I wouldn't hesitate to shoot in the driveway, lol. I don't think he actually knows where I live, so it shouldn't ever be an issue. The rest of the family knows of his proclivities, so I doubt anyone else would make him welcome either.

The remaining 3 of us sibs are very capable and have raised capable adults, so we should be okay together or separately. I've also told my bff she is welcome, even though she has disabilities, but her children are NOT welcome, as they would not be worker bees.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

I divorced the good-for-nothing. Even DD divorced him and he has never seen his grandchildren.

There are subsistence communities who grow enough food to give to their ancestors, or other being who wants food. This means that in a good year, the gods are given an abundance. In a bad year, the gods are given less, but because they over planted, the community has enough food. On that note, I say prep for the good-for-nothing because by the time it matters, he could be gone (dead, or your DH gives him up), but there may be someone else you want to take care of.


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## Lilith (Dec 29, 2012)

I really appreciate everyone's views! There are so many good points that have been brought to the table! So many things to help me when I have this conversation with my team - I say team because not everyone in my group is blood related, and not everyone blood related is welcome. 

Some things I can point out about my situation for more conversations. 
A. I will not have a dry compound - I come from a long line of shiners, and one member of the family is already in charge of that. Grain alcohol has so many post SHTF uses: especially as a fuel for vehicles, farm equipment, trade/bartering, and medical uses. 
B. We have two members of our group who will not be able to do physical labor. One who is medically retired from the military and disabled - brings some major security, tactical, and leadership sills to the table. What he can not do himself - he can teach and supervise others to do for him, plus he really is an amazing cook, strategist, and is well versed in logistics. The second is a family member who has survived cancer twice. Her Body is all but used up, but she is sharp as a tack and really good with kids! She works as a teacher and will be invaluable in making sure our children are supervised, educated, and literate. Plus, the girl can grow anything! I envy her green thumb. Just because these two people can't pull their weight physically does not mean their skills and knowledge are not necessary to our survival. Having lived my whole life with degenerative hearing loss, I truly believe in capability instead of disability! I can find a job for anybody willing to put in a little effort.

*Maura /mekasmom* - I think your points have hit home the most! I can compromise with my husband and add the extra preps for another person and hope that he falls off the planet or gets eaten by zombies before arriving here. Unfortunately, I will have to draw a clear line in the sand about how much help he can get if he shows up here!


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

My issue, is not if a person will help. There are just the type of people that will make you miserable every second of the day. They will argue, boss you because they think they are far smarter or knowalagable than you. Not the kind of people that learn everyday of their lives a new skill or how to be a better person. They have no people skills, uncompassionate, no empathy.These kind of people think You should be bowing to them and they sit back. The kind of people you need to forgive for your own health and sanity and walk away.


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## manygoatsnmore (Feb 12, 2005)

7th Swan, I totally agree...the one sister I mentioned can sew, knit, cook and can (whether she wants to can and cook is another matter), but her disposition is such that it would lead to fighting. She also has a son in his 30's who is tied tightly to her apron strings....they fight like an old married couple, lol. He still lives at home and refuses to learn to drive a car. As far as being useful as a farm worker, I think it will be a very steep learning curve for him.

Lilith, I include my bff because although she is not as physically able as many, there needs to be someone to keep the household going while others are out doing physical labor, and she can certainly do that...keeping the fire going, cooking meals, helping to preserve the harvest. She may have to sit down to do a lot of it, but she wouldn't be dead weight. Even her dd may be an asset, but her ds is probably going to fall to pieces if electronic gadgets go away.

I don't know if any of my kids/grandkids will end up joining me here, other than my dd who lives with me. It's about 10-15 miles by rail, 25+ miles by road. They already live on a "family compound" with my ex and extended family on that side, and would only need to come to me if it was no longer safe that close to town or the food was depleted there. 

I'm more likely to end up working with the neighbors (many of them like-minded) or end up loading up everything and joining my db and extended family on the old family place. In the short term, we'd be fine, just the 2 of us, but in the long run, it's good to think through multiple options.


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## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

Lilith I think you really answered your own question. Now, you just need to guide you DH to the same logic. You are going to have alcohol and children on your land....then there is no room for a "mean drunk".

Sounds like you have assembled an amazing team!! Our doors are open to some that are not blood relatives, too. We are also lucky they we have a very small number of blood relatives in the first place...all which would be welcome, but doubtful any would come, lol.


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## Lilith (Dec 29, 2012)

Ohio dreamer - I never thought that this conversation would change how I feel, but I did know it would help me find a way to express how I feel, why I feel the way I do - and all without a huge blow up. If you can't survive Christmas dinner or some other kind of family gathering without things falling apart - inviting them for TEOTWAWKI is asking for trouble! It is not always easy to get others to see that.


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## Bret (Oct 3, 2003)

I looked around and couldn't see one. It must be me.


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## terri9630 (Mar 12, 2012)

Bret said:


> I looked around and couldn't see one. It must be me.


I know it's me, my MIL said so.


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

Hay, when I was young, people used to ask me if my father drinks. I'd say no, he's a jerk all on his own.


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## Lilith (Dec 29, 2012)

Bret said:


> I looked around and couldn't see one. It must be me.


There is another prepper group on my mother's side of the family. I can't get along with the matriarch (religious differences). So when it comes to their survival, I wish them all the best, but I am that one family member too. I'm ok with that. It was tough to hear that my Grandmother will go with them instead of my group, but she will be welcome at either campfire.
I think it is important to make sure the people in your group are people you can live with for the rest of your life - you might have to.


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## Bret (Oct 3, 2003)

terri9630 said:


> I know it's me, my MIL said so.


Get a third opinion. If you believe in you, you don't need any opinions.


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## sisterpine (May 9, 2004)

Most of my extended family and a few friends are welcome to bring their preps and join us on the farm. My concern is that DAB will arrive with one of his skanky females and upon being denied or tossed out he will go to the nearest armed hungry folks and tell them everything we have prepped. I think that means he will be let in, if he has to be tossed we will have to fix it so he cannot tell anyone about us?


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## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

Lilith- praying you and you DH can have a rational conversation and that the right time to have such conversation is obvious. Stick to your guns, but do it with a smile...


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

Sisterpine, do you really want to write this on a public forum.

Besides, you can always have someone take him somewhere, get him liquored up, then take him somewhere else and dump him off when he is passed out. Somewhere far away from you. He&#8217;ll piss off enough people that you won&#8217;t have to take care of him.


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## Bret (Oct 3, 2003)

Yep, it's me. That explains my frequent headaches. Fortunately, I'm a good hiker.


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## terri9630 (Mar 12, 2012)

Bret said:


> Get a third opinion. If you believe in you, you don't need any opinions.


My goats said she's the crazy one and I'm wonderful. Miss Piggy said she's with holding her opinion because I was late with breakfast.


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## bowdonkey (Oct 6, 2007)

sisterpine said:


> Most of my extended family and a few friends are welcome to bring their preps and join us on the farm. My concern is that DAB will arrive with one of his skanky females and upon being denied or tossed out he will go to the nearest armed hungry folks and tell them everything we have prepped. I think that means he will be let in, if he has to be tossed we will have to fix it so he cannot tell anyone about us?


Boy, I would dearly love for someone to show up with some skanky females when TSHTF. Send him my way!:thumb:


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## Lilith (Dec 29, 2012)

I guess this is where my sense of humor gets me in trouble - along with my way of thinking. I look back at history, and I see all kinds of skanky women who made their way to the top because they were, well, skanky. Many a woman has bettered her position in life by trading, bartering, or selling sex. I don't think it will be any different in a SHTF situation. 
IF your morals would allow - is there a place in your group for such a person? I have often times thought that if I had lived in the wild west, I would have been a very rich madam with lots of great, strong, healthy girls to peddle their wares. Then again, if she is opposed to that idea of contributing to the group, and it is the only thing she has to offer, guess she will need to find another place to set up her brothel.


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## bowdonkey (Oct 6, 2007)

I like the way you think Lilith, send her my way. As an aside, a 6 pak of Gueiness extra stout will also carry alot of weight with me during a SHTF.


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## Bret (Oct 3, 2003)

Lilith said:


> I guess this is where my sense of humor gets me in trouble - along with my way of thinking. I look back at history, and I see all kinds of skanky women who made their way to the top because they were, well, skanky. Many a woman has bettered her position in life by trading, bartering, or selling sex. I don't think it will be any different in a SHTF situation.
> IF your morals would allow - is there a place in your group for such a person? I have often times thought that if I had lived in the wild west, I would have been a very rich madam with lots of great, strong, healthy girls to peddle their wares. Then again, if she is opposed to that idea of contributing to the group, and it is the only thing she has to offer, guess she will need to find another place to set up her brothel.


A soup kitchen? (139)


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## BlackFeather (Jun 17, 2014)

This comment is for those reading but have not posted, It is probably too late for some. How shall I word this..... If I were one who was prepping, why on earth would I let anyone know, especially some one who I didn't trust?


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## ad in wnc (Jan 12, 2014)

Good point Black Feather! I would also suggest that manners are often softened when the offending party is looking down the barrel of a loaded pistol...


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## Lilith (Dec 29, 2012)

When family knows you well enough to realize that you will be or are resourceful enough to provide for your family in hard times, the word prepper is a moot point. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out who you know that has certain skills you might need. A family member pulls in your driveway for a visit - they can plainly see your garden. If you need food and there is no more grocery store, are you going to try and get to your daughter who lives in a tiny apartment in the city, or are you going to go to your son in the country who has space for a garden? 

I'm not old and grumpy enough to have chased off people I don't like under the pretense of senility. People my age face a different set of rules we have to play by if we hope for an even semi normal life for our school age children. 

If you believe you have to tell someone you are prepping for them to figure it out, you are more at risk than you think.


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

My family would not know what "prepper" is. But they know what I do here. Neighbors know,because they know if they need something, they think of us and come over and ask. I've had a neighbor come over for Heirloom seeds, he heard about "them" on a tv program and just knew that I would have some. It was pretty fun actualy, they being so hiped up about something new to them. But I'm not a prepper in the new/real sence.


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## Andy Nonymous (Aug 20, 2005)

I've been working on making myself that person: Ornery, miserly, socially averse, with a penchant for avoiding income like AIDS, herpes and VD. I got nothing to come for - even traded my 12ga when I ran out of shells. Come really hard times, I'll be living on berries, bark and bugs; picking my 5 remaining teeth with a Davey Crockett toothpick. If anyone wants to join me, I'd advise against it, but might in winter 'cause 2 bodies together can keep warmer than two alone.

Most wouldn't join because of the grub(s). No prob. More for me.


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