# Dads in trouble



## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Can i post this here? I just got a call my dads Dr. 5 minutes ago he is requiring 24/7 supervision or nursing home. Dad wants me taking care of him at his home. I can take a few days to decide. This is going to change my business considerably. Dealing with Parkensens, Alzheimer's. Id do anything for him, just don't know if i should or enlist professional help, the cost can be covered any option. Anyone here ever do this?


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I'm sorry that you & your Dad have this to deal with. Prayers for you both, that it can be worked out.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

I'm taking care of my declining dad. I can sure understand that it is not for everyone. It is hard sometimes and takes a lot of patience. For instance, yesterday he was constipated and that seems to aggravate his dementia. He kept telling me he was going to take a laxative and I kept telling him I had already given him some, in less than 45 minutes he asked what day it was 5 times. Once before he took several doses and followed them with a Fleet enema, he crapped all his pants and drawers that day and crapped for four days. This time he'd had fried catfish, hush puppies and slaw for supper, Cheerios for breakfast, pinto beans, slaw and stewed pears for lunch and spaghetti and a salad for supper. I gave him two doses of fiber supplement during the day also and another dose of the polyethylene glycol laxative, monitored his fluid intake all day and pushed water on him. He is not constipated today, and his drawers are all clean.  Some days it is an all day job like that, and some days he is fine. 
You can't expect to be able to do it by yourself, and must have someone to give you a break now and then. If you feel like you can't, or don't want to do it, don't. You and your dad deserve better than that. Sometimes it is more than I want to handle, but I've gotten a lot from it too. It's an adventure for sure.


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## Beachbum (Nov 18, 2013)

From a newbie who has experience with this sort of thing, a) you can't do this by yourself - you'll need help and b) you need to speak to an attorney that specializes in elder care for IL.


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## Allen W (Aug 2, 2008)

I know a person trying to do this and between other family members, an extra heavy dose of bull headedness and her own health problems it's not going well for her. There are more help options in more populated ares then the rule areas which is some thing to consider also.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

This is not something brand new, he has had some care for about 3 years. I had a nice lady coming out 2x a week for a few hours to keep him company, cook light supper, and just kinda help out. I have always taken care of his yard, house, and stuff that breaks. It was working out pretty well and he liked having her around to talk to. But he's is slipping further on some days real bad. Some days are not too bad and he can dress himself, make sandwich's or microwave a plate i made the night before. Sometimes he is just lost in his own home.

But the 24/7 thing is brand new as of 10 minutes ago. He is retired Fire Service and has helped virtually 100's of people in his 78 years. Cutting people from burning cars, saving elderly people overcome by smoke, all the TV stuff but for real with flames and real blood. He was a mans man. 

I don't want to disrespect him in any way. The quality of care is my biggest concern. He absolutely deserves this to be done right and proper.

I was making word jokes not even 60 minutes ago, i need a word for this.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

We are about as rural as it gets, he lives in a log cabin he and i built 32ish years ago. In the middle of the woods, overlooking a river. He doesn't really need a medical care assistant, just someone to make sure he doesn't burn himself up cooking, or falls and cant get up. I have the lifeline on his wrist. He is as stubborn as a mule . Never wants help, ever.


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

This might be worth taking a look at.

[YOUTUBE]Dfux-5Z4COo[/YOUTUBE]


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

DIM, Iâm really sorry youâre faced with this extremely difficult decision. Sooner or later, all of us seem to smack into it, and itâs a rough one.

What I think is important to accept is, everyoneâs situation is different. Folks like vicker have my utmost respect and admiration for being able to manage it. But few of us are in a position to offer, these days.

There is a reason they say that caring for an Alzheimerâs patient requires a 36-hour day. My grandmother and my mother each died of it, so I have some knowledge about it. In the case of my granny, the family tried to take on her care. Before we realized she needed round-the-clock, she was left on her own for a short period of time by her husband. When he returned from his urgent chore, he found all the burners on the gas stove lit and burning away with all the knobs removed from the controls. They were lucky she didnât burn the whole house down, with her in it. It doesn't take them long to get into some serious trouble. They, too, lived very rural.

Letting qualified caretakers handle it in your place and stead can leave you ridden with guilt, but if you are unable to devote those 36 hours a day to his care, you wonât be doing him any favors. If you run a full-time business, there is simply no way you will be able to be there for him in the way he needs as the diseases progress. As someone who loves him, your tendency also will be to minimize the warning signs of his worsening condition â and that, too, can be dangerous.

You will still have your hands full just being there for him as much as you can, helping the caretakers do what is needed and all the rest. My best advice: Get in touch with the Alzheimer's Foundation for as much input as they can give, don't be hard on yourself for doing what you must do, and spend as much time with him as you possibly can. I don't personally advocate taking this venture on unless you can devote your entire attention to it and have some professional training in elder care.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well. Hugs to you. This is one of the hardest roads.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

Sorry you are going through this. I have found out the hard way that dealing with an aging, ill parent can be overwhelming emotionally, physically and in some cases, financially.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

I have no advice. I wish you strength and wisdom to choose the right path for you.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

My Grandmom on moms side, My 3 aunts and my mom all had Altzhimers and died of it more or less. Reading all the posts kinda puts a bleak future ahead of me.

I hope that you can come up with something that is comfortable for the both of you.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Raeven is very right. I happened to be in a uniquely good position and in a good mindset to do this when the time came. It has worked out well because of that. We had a home health nurse coming by once a week for a couple of months. I learned that it is sometimes helpful to have an outsider give him some orders that he is more likely to listen to, but not a whole lot more likely lol he's hardheaded too.


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## catspjamas (Jul 14, 2013)

I'm sorry you're having to make this decision. Have you been appointed your father's legal guardian? If not, you need to be.

My dad put his life on hold to care for mom. She had Alzheimer's. How he did it for as long as he did, I have no idea. The only thing I can tell you, if you decide to become your dad's sole caretaker, find a support group, and have some help that can give you time away. I know you said you're rural, but there may still be a place that can give respite care.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

You folks are awesome, the private messages, the kind words, I'm not surprised. Good people her, Thank you. Tomorrow will be a much better day, i will be more clear and focused.

I'm just glad today at the shop is slow, my clients are very nearly like family to me and i to them. Many of their kids have been coming to me 18 years for their first hair cuts and now they are all grown up.

I need to take the few days ahead and figure this out, I'm thinking a combination of myself and professional help is in his best interests. I'll firm up a plan by next week. 

Thank you all again.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

I don't envy any of you who are the sole caregivers . I have been several times now. I also went through what Rae mentioned with the burners but I was in the house. i gave enemas,shots ,the whole shebang.I might have to do it again soon. my friend was in today. they are 99 % sure she has lung cancer. she looks to be wasteing away already. if she gets too sick she has no one else. her daughter is bi-polar and hardly ever takes her meds so she's out and not in this country anyway. I was married to her father so I guess I'm the closest she has. I'm keeping my fingers crossed she's in the 1% ~Georgia.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

See, we aren't all THAT bad!!! =)


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

When my mother was first diagnosed the docs had her on meds that didn't work well together. The result was like a roller coaster of behaviors until my sister took it in hand. It was a scary mess there, for a while. Like the others said, educate yourself as much as you can. Competent professional care and info is so important. 
Don't forget to take care of yourself. You can't help much if you're sick and all torn up with worry.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

I know a woman that put her life and career on hold to take care of her mother as she slowly died over a three year period. Her life was almost destroyed by the burden and she has never been the same since. She could not get her career going again. She was a mental mess from it.

Bad idea. His health issues are too big for you to handle, that is what nursing homes are for.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

One thing I can tell you with going through this several times, and I can't stress this enough, make sure whatever family you may have, they are on board with what you decide.

I took care of my gm while she died at home(cancer). That's the way she wanted it and come Hades or high water, I was going to make sure she had her wish. Two of her kids made it a nightmare! They didn't want to accept the fact that she was dying, so would throw away her pain meds, refuse to help, etc.

Then I took care of my great step uncle(dementia) for 2 years with the promise of help from his actual family and was supposed to be minimally reimbursed by his POA($50 a month for round the clock care). Neither happened. It was like pulling teeth to get any kind of help. It took its toll on me.

Best of luck with what you decide and know that we'll be here for a shoulder to lean on.


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## Brighton (Apr 14, 2013)

City Bound said:


> I know a woman that put her life and career on hold to take care of her mother as she slowly died over a three year period. Her life was almost destroyed by the burden and she has never been the same since. She could not get her career going again. She was a mental mess from it.
> 
> Bad idea. His health issues are too big for you to handle, that is what nursing homes are for.


Just because you know ONE person doing home care of a parent almost destroyed, does not by any means mean it will happen to everyone who cares for a parent at home, there are home health aids, hired help, caretakers, etc. so the son or daughter can have a break.

Nursing homes, bah, how do you know his health issues are to much for the OP to handle?


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## catspjamas (Jul 14, 2013)

City Bound said:


> I know a woman that put her life and career on hold to take care of her mother as she slowly died over a three year period. Her life was almost destroyed by the burden and she has never been the same since. She could not get her career going again. She was a mental mess from it.
> 
> Bad idea. His health issues are too big for you to handle, that is what nursing homes are for.


It doesn't destroy everyone. And your friend may have not been mentally equipped for caring for her mother, she may have only been doing it, because she thought it was her responsibility to do so, as a good daughter.

Had it just been me to take care of my mom, yeah, she'd have been in a nursing home alot sooner. I can't do human body fluids. I've never even changed my niece or nephew's diapers.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Brighton said:


> Just because you know ONE person doing home care of a parent almost destroyed, does not by any means mean it will happen to everyone who cares for a parent at home, there are home health aids, hired help, caretakers, etc. so the son or daughter can have a break.
> 
> Nursing homes, bah, how do you know his health issues are to much for the OP to handle?


Just letting him know that if he gets in over his head that the cost to his well being could be very dear. The worse case scenario for his consideration while deliberating.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

Sorry to hear your going through this DIM. It's hard watching a parent fail.

My mother was in a assisted living home for the last several years, but adjusted to it very well. She had emergency gall bladder removal in June, and it has seemed to be a downhill slope since. Mom was the one that made the decision to go into a nursing home. She probably realized neither I or my siblings could offer full time care, even though we would have tried. Nursing homes are not without faults, but the actual standard of care is much better than I could have offered.

From my perspective if you do go the nursing home route, you still need to be very actively involved in their care. You will more than likely be the one to notice changes in mental alertness first. There are slackers that work in them as well as everywhere else. And I've found one nurse that was not honest and just gave me lip service, until I requested to see the test results. Educate yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for advice from other knowledgeable people. I'm blessed with knowing some locally, but there are several trained nurses on this site.

I feel for you!!! And wish you the best in your decisions!


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## SimplerTimez (Jan 20, 2008)

DIM,

I was a respite caregiver for Alzheimer's caregivers at one time, and I did my college Biology paper on it. 

Best wishes on your decision, and may you always have your head held high no matter what the circumstances and choices are that you determine will be your course. There is no wrong or right way for you, simply the best way for you and your father.

((hugs))

~ST


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## Lupine (Oct 2, 2013)

Remember that his wishes should only be honored as long as they don't put him in harm's way. It sounds like he is still fairly able and competent, so the two of you have some time to adjust your lives and expectations. 

You pop will need to be more realistic about letting others help you two if he wants to stay home as long as possible.

My mom has a helper from her local community. She started out as an errand/shopping helper, and someone to take Mom out and about so my stepfather could have relief. Now she does a bit more...supervises Mom (who is weak and prone to falling) and helps with household chores and meals. 

Registered nurses come in 3-4 times each week to help with bathing, physical exercizes and to monitor her recovery from surgery. 

Note. My stepdad did not understand that my mom had difficulty explaining symptoms for a serious medical issue that nearly killed her. Having trained nurses check in from time to time is essential, especially when the patient is stubborn. They can pick up on cues when you cannot.

Good luck! Remember that if you don't have the support and respite YOU need, you are not able to best look after your pop.

Ask around in your area. Are there any EMTs or even local firefighters willing to do some work on the side? Capable widows of dementia patients (as is the case with my mom's helper) or retired nurses looking for part-time work?







Sent from my SPH-L710 using Tapatalk


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

One other thought. Since my regular trips in there, it has opened my mind, a lot! A few people beam when you stop and shake their hand, or just chat for a minute! One I can't understand what the heck he's saying. but I'll grab his hand and give him a shake. His face lights up like tomorrows sunrise! A single aide always assist him eating, cuz he can't feed himself. His name is Ishmael, and he likes to wear a cowboy hat!

I wonder how I've missed so much of life? So many have so little of life left, but have so much joy in what it is. I tip my hat to those folks! My mother is one of those!!!!!!!!


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

doingitmyself said:


> Can i post this here? I just got a call my dads Dr. 5 minutes ago he is requiring 24/7 supervision or nursing home. Dad wants me taking care of him at his home. I can take a few days to decide. This is going to change my business considerably. Dealing with Parkensens, Alzheimer's. Id do anything for him, just don't know if i should or enlist professional help, the cost can be covered any option. Anyone here ever do this?


When my father had a bad stroke our options were a nursing home or keep hi m at home and enlist a part time orderly covered by his private and VA insurance to ease the load on us and provide in home therapy housekeeping assistance and nursing specific assistance during the 5 hours a day they were scheduled.

Our household environment changed a bit but we lived that way for the next 4 years until he passed spending our time with him as normal as possible. 

Only major expense was the ramp van we purchased to carry his wheel chair on daily drives but unlike normal vehicles it didn't lose that much value during the time we had it.

Nothing is better for all involved being able to stay in the family residential home environment if possible. Investigate all your options.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Thanks again for all the private messages and the kinds words of support. Today is a new day with a renewed focus and the acute emotional crash is behind me. 

I have called a family meeting with dad's brother and sister, both of which have some health issues as well for this weekend. I want us all including Dad to be on the same page before he can not add constructively to the decision process. I'm a get it done kind of guy just as he is/was. That's how he taught me to be. 

Thanks again folks for the support and listening/watching me crash yesterday. You people are collectively some very excellent people. :clap: I'm glad to be part this thing called 'Homesteading Today. :clap:


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## Nevada (Sep 9, 2004)

doingitmyself said:


> just don't know if i should or enlist professional help, the cost can be covered any option. Anyone here ever do this?


Your doctor will almost certainly prescribe regular home nursing care visits. Those are available at no copay under Medicare. I got that for Alma. Each week she had 2 RN visits, 2 physical therapy visits, and 3 CNA visits (sponge baths). They'll make sure that the care you're providing is appropriate.


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## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

I wish you the best. I don't know why old people get so hung up on the constipation thing, but I know they do. My MIL did.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

I don't know what you mean by old people getting hung up on constipation. if you had some of the problems they have with constipation you'd probably be more than hung up. I've looked after enough of them and seen the agony they go through. I tried everything for my husband. enemas, etc. etc. and in the end had to get an ambulance, everything else I was able to handle. a lot of it is the medication they are taking for their cancer etc. ~Georgia.


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## memc (Jul 20, 2011)

I have been in the same boat sorry to hear about your father. It was to much to handle for my sister an I. We were lucky enough to find a great cna to do private care she would work M-F and every other wkend. My sister and I would do the other weekends. If your Father is not in a position to self pay I'm sure IL has programs were he could get a cna that would come to the home and take care of him. 
Good Luck.


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

I can't stress enough - respite for yourself, so that you're able to competently continue caring for your Dad! I cared for my dear, departed husband 24/7 as he died (cancer). Without the relief from those who provided respite for me, I would never have been able to continue. 24/7 in-home care provided by a lone caregiver is like working 3 full-time jobs, back-to-back.


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## GrammaBarb (Dec 27, 2012)

nehimama said:


> I can't stress enough - respite for yourself, so that you're able to competently continue caring for your Dad! I cared for my dear, departed husband 24/7 as he died (cancer). Without the relief from those who provided respite for me, I would never have been able to continue. 24/7 in-home care provided by a lone caregiver is like working 3 full-time jobs, back-to-back.


Absolutely!

I spent most of a summer and fall caring for my 91 year-old father in his home. Happily, he was mentally clear until the very end, but even so, being the sole caregiver was exhausting. Having said that, however, two wonderful things came out of it; first, I had lots of time to just talk and/or listen to my Pop, as he talked about WWII and his buddies in the Pacific, and about "us kids" as we were growing up. He lost control of his bodily functions, especially at night, and I'd change his adult diapers for him, and every night he would say, "Thank you, Barb. Sorry about the diaper." And every night I would say "I love you, Poppa, and don't forget, you've changed mine!" 

Secondly, it was good training for when, the following Spring, my Rory was first getting sick with the cancer that took his life. He was in the hospital for 99 days, and after that I was his caregiver at home. Home Hospice came in, measured his pain meds and showed me what to do to give him shots and keep his PIC line open and finally (literally) ordered me to get a hospice nurse to come in a few hours each night so I could get some sleep. I lost 58 lbs.

In the midst of the angst, and the tears, I learned to cherish the time I had with both my father and with Rory. Both my brother and sister were wonderful, but geography and their situations precluded them doing what I was able to do, and I'm grateful I could be there. I cherish the memories, and hope I can be as graceful in those circumstances as my wonderful Father was, and as my Rory was also.

(Jeez. I'm sitting here crying.....silly. Cathartic, but silly....)

Barb


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

DIM, my prayers go out to You,Your Dad, and Your Family.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Well, we are at the crossroads. Back in the beginning of November i posted of Dad needing help. We grabbed it buy the horns, executed and we had a pretty good plan. Dad was happy and comfortable, I felt it was working pretty well, his sister was comfortable, even my "doom and gloom" sister was on board. 

Then SHTF, that's all i can say. It all went over the cliff, in just 2 weeks the man has gone from fairly easy going to combative, his mobility has dropped drastically, soiling, wetting himself, and not really responsive unless it humours him. The snow and weather has been rough around here and just keeping access to his place in the woods has a real deal. The Dr. said this often happens at some point with patients in his condition/ state of disease. I know he was getting proper everything, meds, food, sleep, it was going fairly well, like i said everyone was on board. 

I noticed a difference in his cat, sounds weird, but his cat began sleeping on the back of his chair, it never did that before, and was in his lap anytime he let it, the cat also seemed to me to becoming very protective of him. The cat likes me well, and always hangs out with me. Dad likes that he gets a break from "that flea bitten critter" his words not mine. 

Sunday, after a week of "bad days" Dad fell twice, stepped on the cat, tried to make coffee and it went all over the kitchen, tried to clean up and burned himself a little, got mad as heck, started yelling, trying to push stuff around, and just verbally shut down. His sister said he wouldn't let her do any of it and he was just not himself at all. 

I am always able to get him to talk and I got him to talk with me. He said he is done, ready to die and be with mom, he has said things like that before but this time i can see in his eyes that his fire is gone, his face is soft, eyes droopy. He agreed that he should not be at home anymore. You will not believe what he asked me to do. Now you have to understand our family consists of "build it myself, hand me that board please kind of people", Generations of Carpenters, Masons, and get-r-done kind of folks. My Father is the epitome of that. 

He asked me to "put him in the canoe and let him just float away like the Eskimos do"! I honestly was not shocked but it did set me back a moment, i told him, "Dad i can't do that, the river is frozen over and the canoe will just sit on the ice, you won't float away", Of course I was trying to humour him and make a silly joke of what he said. He got all serious and said "Mike, it's time to let me go and get on with your life". I almost lost it, I now it was mostly the disease talking but i also know my Dad and he was serious. 

Yesterday his Dr. did a physical and assessment and said that yes, it's time for a long term care facility. He also said that in hind site we could have got him into there last month, but that he doesn't like to see families go through that near the holidays. His Dr. seems like a very compassionate man, and Dad likes him. 

He is scheduled to be admitted Thursday afternoon, he will be going where his younger brother is and they both seem to be looking forward to seeing each other. Everyone is relieved, no quilt, I feel we all did as much as we could. This home has an excellent reputation for caring for folks.

His biggest concern at this moment is his cat. I told him i would care for his cat, and he said " she told me she likes you"!!LOLOL Truth is that cat probably did tell him that! 

I have a lot of small and a few large things to "tune up" his house now that i can work without his displeasure. Things just kinda of piled up for the last few years. With it being an honest log home, its not like most folks have experience with that sort of thing. Him and I built it over 30 years ago from a truckload of green logs from TN Log Homes Company. Shower stall needs replacing, some block need tuck pointing. Lots of little things he couldn't do and didn't want anyone else helping him.

I just needed to let this go as talking to family sometimes just doesn't do it. I don't need to talk per say i think i just needed to put it out there and let this go so i can recharge and get ready for the next part. I honestly am a bit relieved, as i was afraid something would happen at home and he is a long ways from help out where we live.

This is one of those, can't "doitmyself" kind of things, I just hate it when that happens. I probably will be very much like him when its my time. I know i have spent my life emulating him, and his father. 

I need to get emotionally prepared for Thursday. Thanks for making it through this wall of print with me!!!!


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## Guest (Jan 28, 2014)

You are blessed to have such a man as your father...
Your father is blessed to have such a man as his son....


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

Good thoughts and good vibes and good HUGS for you! You've gone way above & beyond, and have been a true blessing to your Dad. I'm sure your Dad will be well taken care of, and you can recharge your batteries. Best thoughts, my Friend!


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

Mike , My Heart goes out to you and your Family* Your father raised a Good man* May God Bless You All.


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## Wanda (Dec 19, 2002)

This will probably be much harder on you than on your dad. I am so very glad that your father has some input into the decision. As we all did that have been thru this you will beat yourself up mentally when things get rocky. You must always remember that you love your father and what you did was the very best for HIM. I went to see my mom every day when she had to go into long term care and it can be very hard on both. You will find that in most cases there will be a whole group of caring people looking after your dad even tho he may view it differently. Please be patient in helping him make this change and view what he sees thru his eyes. We can never understand what it is to give up control over our daily lives and routines until it happens to us. Your Dad may say some cruel things that he really does not mean as a backlash from all of the change and stress, so please do not take it personally. The next couple of months will be tough so please share your grief and frustration with us or a friend so it doesn't drag you down. You are a good son and I am sure your dad is very proud of you and so am I!


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## RideBarefoot (Jun 29, 2008)

Think of it like this- when he's settled in you can focus on quality time together!


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

We can wash his clothes, clean him up, feed him, all those things we can do for him. That part is manageable, we have had that covered. We are all on board with that part. But I don't know how to reignite his fire? I don't know if i have the right to even try. Something's i believe are between your maker and yourself. I firmly believe one can "will themselves" to move on. I just want him to be as happy, and comfortable as he can be while he's with us.


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

Sounds like the best outcome in such a difficult time. He will be getting around the clock care, to preserve a quality of life while going through the natural aging process. It is a constant worry and an up and down rollercoaster, been there, done that. I can feel the relief in your words...

Please know, you and he are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a good man.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

We all talked about this in November when he needed help then. We thought after the holidays we would need more help, so the idea of a care facility is not really the issue for us or honestly even for him. But, we were not prepared for him to lose his fire. I had hoped he could grow into the home before his identity and self awareness left him. Maybe we should have been more proactive in November. Odd how he had been fairly well up until about a week ago, then a switch flipped.


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## L.A. (Nov 15, 2007)

My Prayers include you & your family...


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

One of the hardest things I had to hear was when my pap told me he was ready to die. He said he couldn't drink, couldn't smoke, couldn't eat what he wanted, couldn't have sex and he was ready to go. Two weeks later he went and while it was tough, it was also one death that I was more at peace with and better able to handle just because he had told me he was ready.

My thoughts are with you and your family.


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## Jaclynne (May 14, 2002)

I understand what you and your family are going thru. My Mom had early onset Alzheimer's. Having worked in healthcare, she understood how her disease would progress and when the frustration of not being able to do began, she insisted on going into a nursing facility. She said, "Even if I beg to go home or get mad at you, don't listen. It will just be the disease talking." It made it easier for us to hear this. And going in earlier gave her time to adjust while she still knew where she was.

It helped that many of the workers there were her personal friends, and it will help your Dad to have his brother there. Some member of the family dropped in every day and my Stepdad was there every evening to have supper with her(later to feed her), and stayed till bedtime to say goodnight.

It hurts to hear them say they are ready to go. It hurts even more when they no longer recognize you, their own child.

Spend all the time you can with him. Make friends among the staff, your Dad will get better care. Praying for all of you.


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

You will be able to spend quality time with him in a good facility and not worry that he could get hurt or worse in his home. Its hard trying to parent a parent. Hugs to you and your dad.


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## SimplerTimez (Jan 20, 2008)

I have learned so much from you and vicker, and others who have shared their struggles, even though I worked in this arena for a while. You gentlemen are outstanding examples of good men with tender hearts.

View attachment 22002​
Lots of folks have you in mind.

~ST


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

doingitmyself said:


> We all talked about this in November when he needed help then. We thought after the holidays we would need more help, so the idea of a care facility is not really the issue for us or honestly even for him. But, we were not prepared for him to lose his fire. I had hoped he could grow into the home before his identity and self awareness left him. Maybe we should have been more proactive in November. Odd how he had been fairly well up until about a week ago, then a switch flipped.


Don't second-guess yourself. You do the best you can with the information you have available in the moment. This step-stair decline your father is suffering is common, as your doctor said. It's how things happened with my relatives as well. Shocking at every stage, I'm afraid.

Your dad is making his peace with a decision with which we will all eventually be faced... it's gut-wrenching and heart-rending to watch, as well as to walk beside someone as they go through it. You're doing an amazing and admirable job.

Another song for you. I played it recently for another friend, but it seems apt for you, too. Sadness there, but hopefully some comfort, too. More hugs to you if you can use them.



[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsocZrEcp0Y[/ame]


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Thank you all for the kind thoughts.

Funny how those (sister, aunts, cousins, nephews) all with no skills, knowledge of alarm systems, or idea even how to replace lock sets, and install dead bolts seem to be making me a huge Michael do list. For years the doors were never locked, even when he was in rehab for months at a time. Now suddenly it all must be done asap. These people need to relax, it will all be done correctly, and in good time, I will get to it as I can!:hobbyhorse: Sounds like Super Bowl with Dad is shot in the butte!! :umno: :hair


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## KentuckyDreamer (Jan 20, 2012)

I am so sorry I only found your thread today...I think we could have been great supports to each other. Thirteen months ago I discovered my grandmother was in much worse condition than I could have imagined. I was in shock..after a fall, rehab, and 30 in a nursing home until I could find a place that fit our needs, she came to live with me. She has been with me for eleven months now. It has been the most unbelievable roller coaster. While it is what is best for us, I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

I have seen maw come out of an over drugged zombie state to driving me crazy...only to see her decline before my eyes. There have been days I was afraid to go to the store for fear she would die while I was out. The stories I could tell...

I have significant help as well as hospice. However, NOTHING can prepare you for the emotions. She curses, plays in her feces, etc. She generally has no idea who I am, but occasionally rallies and knows me. 

My heart breaks for her and for your father. I have been told if not for the home she receives in my home, she would have died long ago...and I wonder if I did right bringing her home. But again, it is what was best for us. 

One area that got me early on was trying to make maw happy again. I simply did not have that ability, yet like you, I wanted so much to see that spark again. But there is nothing we can do...other than to be there and to love fully. 

Please keep us updated, I pray the best for you and your father. Follow your heart and there will be no regrets.

Terri


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## CajunSunshine (Apr 24, 2007)

I'm late in reading this thread, but just wanted to give you my best wishes and prayers for smoother sailing. 



.


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## RideBarefoot (Jun 29, 2008)

How is your Dad settling in? Hoping for a respite for you so "the guys" can enjoy the SuperBowl!


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Last night he was in what they call a total 'sycosis" not sure i spelled that right. He is kind of a wreck at this point, hallucinating terribly, speech is incoherent, highly agitated, he did not sleep at all the night before which makes things worse.

The emotions are beyond words. It seems to me we have more compassion for animals than people. I can't describe the range of emotions and the speed at which they come and go. Its like a nightmare while being awake, the highs, the lows, the questioning of decisions, the possibility of other options. 

I got him to eat some butterscotch pie, his favorite. I don't think he recognised me. I also know sometimes it takes time for them to get adjusted to new surroundings. It is my hope that he comes around and is more aware. 

I am planning to watch Super Bowl with him, its what we always do, Super Bowl together. 

Thanks for all your thoughts, prayers, and PMs. This is one of those things in life that tests, and defines character. Its just what has to be done.


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## L.A. (Nov 15, 2007)

Continued Prayer,,,,,,

God Bless you,


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## Wanda (Dec 19, 2002)

doingitmyself said:


> Last night he was in what they call a total 'sycosis" not sure i spelled that right. He is kind of a wreck at this point, hallucinating terribly, speech is incoherent, highly agitated, he did not sleep at all the night before which makes things worse.
> 
> The emotions are beyond words. It seems to me we have more compassion for animals than people. I can't describe the range of emotions and the speed at which they come and go. Its like a nightmare while being awake, the highs, the lows, the questioning of decisions, the possibility of other options.
> 
> ...



Always remember that it is only your fathers body doing these things and neither of you have control over this. He is in a place where he is safe and that is why you and the rest of the family made the wise choice for him to be there. When he is lucid do your best to shield him from what was said and done when he was out of control. This would bother him greatly as it did you. Love your dad every day even if that time is not the best. You being there for him is the very thing that he needs the most. Cherish the good times for they are yours to hold for the rest of your life. Please do your best to weather the bad times and look forward to the good, it is very hard to do sometimes, but it is worth the struggle.


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## KentuckyDreamer (Jan 20, 2012)

It is an emotional roller coaster for us and a terror for them. You and your father have been in my thoughts every day. Thank you for taking the time to keep us updated.


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