# What to do



## gypsymama (Feb 22, 2006)

Been married 34 years and don't know if I'll make it to 35.

I'm married to an engineer who is very even tempered, earns a good living, very dependable and responsible, has never verbally or physically abused me or the children. I, on the other hand, am more of a free spirit, laugh a lot (though a lot less lately) enjoy spontaneous adventures, am artistic and creative and playful. I've learned how to be dependable and responsible over the years of raising children and living with him.

At this point in our marriage we enjoy doing stuff together like eating out, biking, kayaking and watching movies but that is about the extent of our relationship. Communication has never been a strong suit for him and at this time the most we talk about is what we are presently engaged in or what to do with the garden. I'm so lonely.

I have always wanted a partner to share my life with, someone to create and build a plan and vision with. Most of our marriage as been raising kids and me being the mover and shaker for anything other than the normal day to day routine. I'm tired of carrying the relationship, it's just very draining on me. 

I've tried visiting other places for periods of time to give me some sort of human contact and he hates it when I leave, but to honest, I love it. I'm kind of afraid to hurt him for he is a good man and has done the best he can (maybe), but I could easily walk away from this life and start over somewhere else. 

I really don't want a divorce, I just want to have a place of my own that I can go to and live and come back to see him and "date" occasionally. Problem is, when I get a little independent he gets very clingly and needy.

We moved (downsized) and I hate it. It was a mistake. My children are on their own and we don't see much of them, I don't do much of anything anymore. Something has died inside and I need to get it back.

So I know I'm venting, but I'm really looking for any insight, too. 

I'm not looking for another man (heaven forbid) and I'm not overly social either. Not sure what I'm looking for, perhaps to regain a sense of self.


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## Seth (Dec 3, 2012)

Knowing what will make you happy is easy. Admitting it isn't. Only you can make you happy. Seth


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## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

Counseling. Boundary issues.


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

Think hard before you leave a sure thing income wise,unless you have an income to cover all you needs. 34 years is a long time and you are not a spring chick anymore, I left my marriage bad move. Never made enough money, lost lots of friends and even after more than 20 year single the kids still blame me for everything. Never did find the right one. At 57 I find it hard to find a good man after All at my age we get set in our way s


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## MS Farm Chick (Mar 19, 2011)

I think you should have a discussion with your husband and tell him everything you just told us. He maybe more understanding than you realize. He might be looking for some new adventures himself and the two of you can try them together.


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## Wendy (May 10, 2002)

Sit down & think about why you married him in the first place. What drew you together?? I think too many people throw the towel in too easily. Divorce would affect your kids even now that they are gone.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Gonna give you some advice now and maybe more later.

Do what makes YOU happy. Move on if that is what you want to do. Life is very short so go live it to the fullest!


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## Kasota (Nov 25, 2013)

Sounds like he's a good man who has stood by you and the family and provided beautifully for you. Gotta admire a man like that. 

Try some counseling, seriously. Sometimes you just need to learn the language you each speak. His providing and being solid and steady may be HIS way of saying just how important you are and how much he loves you. He may not even understand that you need to hear it in different ways. 

Life is short - too short to walk away from a good man like that. Something about that steady, responsible engineering man was really attractive to you at some point. Something about your free spirit and creativity was really attractive to him, too. Give some counseling a try. At least you won't always wonder if you could have made it better. 

And I suppose there is always the possibility that he wants to be free, too. You won't know how he sees things until you start talking about it and if he is a non-verbal communicator he may need some help.


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## gypsymama (Feb 22, 2006)

Ok, going to try and hash this out and fill in the blanks because something is going to have to give.

We have tried the counseling route years ago at my suggestion. He would go and then wouldn't talk once we got there.

I'm not kidding when I say we don't communicate. The only way I know to express myself is to write letters and notes and even though he hates that, it's the only way that I can talk to him. Face to face talking doesn't work. Since I know the response I get when we talk, I usually avoid it. His method of discussion is to play the victim or try to make me feel guilty.

One example of a pattern that runs throughout our years together. We would go boating/skiing with friends, kid in tow and after six hours, I'm ready to go, by the time we leave 9 or 10 hours later, I'm exhausted. I have played nice my whole marriage and I am tired of being ignored and put off. The only time I can get him to do something for me is when it is convenient or important to him.

He is fine if it is me and him doing things together as long as he likes what we are doing. If he were to tag along with me, I'd be tethered to someone who wouldn't have a good time because he doesn't like the people I like to hang out with.

The turning point for me was when I broke my ankle a few years ago. It gave me doubts as to whether he would take care of me if I got sick.


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## gypsymama (Feb 22, 2006)

Wendy said:


> Sit down & think about why you married him in the first place. What drew you together?? I think too many people throw the towel in too easily. Divorce would affect your kids even now that they are gone.


When we were dating I used to talk to him for hours and thought he was listening, but years later I realized it was that glazed over look he gets when it looks like he's listening.

We got married because I was pregnant and it was convenient for me. Things have come to a head now that it is the two of alone. It was easy to make it work while raising the children and being involved in their activities and lives.


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## Just Little Me (Aug 9, 2007)

gypsymama said:


> The turning point for me was when I broke my ankle a few years ago. It gave me doubts as to whether he would take care of me if I got sick.


Did he take care of you that time?

After the kids are grown and on their own is a hard time for alot of couples. Add retirement and some do not understand. As a couple many do not know each other anymore. There is no longer a common ground holding them together. After retirement they are thrown to gether for 24/7. No job to give them a break from each other. 

Only you can tell if it is going to work, if you are going to be able to be happy. Alot have given you advise. I send thoughts and prayers for you as you work thru this.


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## gypsymama (Feb 22, 2006)

Kasota said:


> Sounds like he's a good man who has stood by you and the family and provided beautifully for you. Gotta admire a man like that.
> 
> Try some counseling, seriously. Sometimes you just need to learn the language you each speak. His providing and being solid and steady may be HIS way of saying just how important you are and how much he loves you. He may not even understand that you need to hear it in different ways.
> 
> ...


He is a good man! He has provided financial support and has a level head and you're right, he is so serious and has absolutely no imagination, so the adventure and laughter, the spontaneous stuff all comes from me. But at this point I am so drained emotionally.


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

"I'm married to an engineer who is very even tempered, earns a good living, very dependable and responsible, has never verbally or physically abused me or the children
At this point in our marriage we enjoy doing stuff together like eating out, biking, kayaking and watching movies"


You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
I think there is a woman out there that would appreciate those qualities in a mate if he were single.


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

You deserve to be able to do your own thing a little bit.
So.. he doesn't really like it when you travel? Oh well.
Tell him you love him, put some meals in the freezer and buy him a t-shirt.

Be more independent.
Do your own thing.
And then you guys may have something to talk about again.

I know that DH, not communicative AT ALL, loved my independent spirit.
That was part of the draw.
Hard to have that spirit watching a kid, doing laundry, making grocery lists etc..

Maybe he will notice once again how impressive you are.
Until then.. I have learned to watch for the teeny tiny, itty bitty, miniscule, almost unnoticeable things that DH does that shows he cares.
He isn't ever gonna say it.
He isn't going to blatantly show it.

Once I learned to look for and recognize them, I found that I felt loved and closer to him.
I should read this thread next time I am pondering killing him outright.


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

Do you have a full time job. So what would be so hard with going an doing what you want? Visit the kids, join a group that takes trips. Take some classes.


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## doozie (May 21, 2005)

Is there a spark of love in there somewhere, for either of you for one another? 

You mention downsizing, was a move involved, are you just unhappy with the new situation if there is one, and not really unhappy with him?

I mean, I could make you a list of things hubby does I wish he wouldn't, didn't, could change,and his list for me might even be twice as long... But I can't imagine daydreaming about moving on. That to me would be living my life in a lie.


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## Kris in MI (May 30, 2002)

gypsymama, I am married to an engineer also. What you described is, well, life as an engineer's spouse. They are wired differently. 

What I have learned is that I need to have people in my life that I can socialize with and share my own interests, because unfortunately my DH, while the love of my life, cannot give me all of that all of the time. I take every moment with him as it comes, and try to enjoy the brief times of real connection on that mental/emotional level, and do my own stuff in between while he is off in his technical engineering world.


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

You're seeing the result of a training regimen that weeds out people with no mercy. I'm not sure what the drop out rate is. It was at least 50% at one time for engineering majors. While there are exceptions, engineers are stunted in a sense. Schooling may bring out some facets but on a practical basis, it's more directed so that a certain type makes it through. No one sat down and planned that. It just is based on the requirements to get through and graduate.

Engineers don't have the well rounded education of a liberal arts major. That contributes to some of the single sidedness later..


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## Wolf mom (Mar 8, 2005)

I found that taking classes, volunteering with Seniors, joining a hiking club (although I'm not a joiner, it was a way to meet people doing what I liked to do) helped fulfill me when my spouse was unable. Yup, non-talker, lived in his head. 
Remember, you are not alone in this and it's never too late to grow your wings. Many women are and have found ways to fulfill themselves while saying in their marriage (if you want to). You do not have to subjugate your self to him, and his manipulation.


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## notwyse (Feb 16, 2014)

Somehow you need to get far enough away to see clear and develop some perspective. Only you can tell what is right for you. A nice long adventure of some sort.


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## WJMartin (Nov 2, 2011)

gypsymama, I could have written most of your OP. Married 37 years to a good steady hardworking man whom I tell on a regular basis that he married me just so he wouldn't be bored to death.

I know my man loves me and he is secure enough in my love that he never says no to whatever I'm up to. I'm headed to a niece's wedding soon, he's not going because he's like an albatross at events and I plan to have fun. I wanted horses, I got horses and go on trail rides with girlfriends, I wanted cows, I got cows and he is thankful when I find other people (usually male) to talk cows with. I travel with girlfriends every chance I get and will take classes and go by myself where ever they happen to be, yes, it can be scary but so empowering and yes, I have made a big fool of myself but it didn't kill me.

I have told DH that at times I'm just empty because he just sucks all the energy out of me. It makes me sad that my day often revolves around his time schedule and needs but he never seems to even think of me during the day unless he needs lunch. ouch!

Flip side, if he doesn't want to do something? Sat. night we go out to dinner for Mother's Day, I pick a Greek place about 30 min. drive, by the time we get there he is having leg cramps, by the time we get the pager he has a back spas, so we walk outside and I rub his back and he stretches his legs, everything OK. Get seated and start looking at menus, yuck he says, eat the steak kabob I say. Food comes, I'm shoveling in as fast as possible because I know what's coming and as I slurp the last bite down, he starts getting up saying, I can't stay here anymore, it stinks. Get home, he's fine, no leg or back pain. Grrrrrrrr.

If you can't think of anything to do to get your JOY back do some serious thinking about when you did have JOY. This took me several months to remember having JOY. Try some different volunteer things. I used to read to school kids and let them read to me, Girl Scout leader, community gardening, live theater, meeting with a group that makes quilts for infants, animal rescue. Our local paper has a listing for organizations that need volunteers. Great way to try a lot of different things because sometimes it's not the things it's the folks.

It is hard to start going off and doing new things but it is worth it to find your JOY!

Good luck girl, this time in your life is when you decide how to live the rest of your life.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

I think you are much happier than you think you are. It's quite a luxury to be in the position you are in. Good luck.
I hope you chose wisely.


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## Annsni (Oct 27, 2006)

Sometimes I find when I get very "me" centered, I begin to get angry at things that my husband does that really wouldn't bother me normally. I think the key is to get outside of yourself and begin to serve others, not just your husband. It's time to volunteer at the local soup kitchen or food pantry, animal shelter or something like that. Spend time with him, love him and do things for others who are more needy than you. Also have something that will feed you whether it is just going out for a drive or having lunch with some friends. Let him know why you need to do this and if he gets fussy about it, talk it out. I'm also married to an engineer but he's now a pastor so I get the quiet AND the talkative but at different times. LOL

But I agree with many here who say that you have something to work with and that is good. Work at it and rediscover what drew you to him.


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## Awnry Abe (Mar 21, 2012)

Do,what makes you happy. This is all about you, after all.


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## jamo (Jun 6, 2002)

chickenista said:


> You deserve to be able to do your own thing a little bit.
> So.. he doesn't really like it when you travel? Oh well.
> Tell him you love him, put some meals in the freezer and buy him a t-shirt.
> 
> ...


She said it all very correctly. We treat people how to treat us and after 38 years it's not all his fault.


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## InTownForNow (Oct 16, 2008)

I'm going to say my opinion and be blunt about it. I'm truly sorry if it hurts your feelings but you did ask for advice... 
You made the choice to get married- you signed the paper, you made the decision. For better or for worse, till death do you part. Hard circumstances may have preceded this decision but you most likely weren't forced into it. 
As a child of divorced parents, where selfishness and an attitude of "I deserve better " were the reasons for the divorce, I can testify that the actions of a few have consequences that they couldn't possibly have foreseen, because all they were thinking about was themselves. Financial, emotional, generational consequences. 
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I really am. I wish all marriages were filled with joy instead of heartache. But there are two people in this relationship of yours- not just you. Why not make an effort to start dating your husband again? Do what he likes to do, do what you like to do. Start new interests together. Learn to be husband and wife instead of mom and dad. Divorce is a terrible thing. In all ways it's bad. Unless your life is in danger, and it sounds like that is not the case, I would suggest you stop trying to talk yourself into what you think you deserve and try to make the good thing that you have better. I would hate to see you throw this relationship away because you threw yourself a pity party and decided that the best gift was a new you. 
Anyway that's what I would say if we were friends and face to face...


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> You can't change him, you can only change yourself.
> I think there is a woman out there that would appreciate those qualities in a mate if he were single.


Absolutely!!

I was married to a nice, boring man for 12 years before I decided to move on. Before I was even out the door, a woman he worked with latched on to him and held on with a death grip! ound: 

They were married about a year and a half later and are still together, happily as far as I can tell from Facebook. I'm sure he prefers having a wife who adores him to one who was merely "Meh" about what he brought to the table. 

I've had many madcap adventures in the ensuing 15 years but I think I'm finally where I belong. 

Life is short. Change can be scary, but sometimes it's for the best!


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## Songbird (Apr 2, 2006)

gypsymama said:


> Been married 34 years and don't know if I'll make it to 35.
> 
> I'm married to an engineer who is very even tempered, earns a good living, very dependable and responsible, has never verbally or physically abused me or the children. I, on the other hand, am more of a free spirit, laugh a lot (though a lot less lately) enjoy spontaneous adventures, am artistic and creative and playful. I've learned how to be dependable and responsible over the years of raising children and living with him.
> 
> ...


My Dad was just like the man you describe your DH to be. My Mother became very bored and unhappy with him in their empty nester years. She always wanted to travel and do exciting things, etc. He loved her dearly, but he was a homebody and didn't want to leave the homestead. She started talking about leaving him, etc. - this after 40 years of marriage. She said she just wanted to have her own place and that they could be "friends".... 

One day I got a phone call - my Daddy had dropped dead of a brain aneurysm. Totally unexpected. He was young - only 62. My Mother was beyond devastated. She was never the same again. She was never happy again. She missed him so much she couldn't stand it. She never enjoyed anything again. She even gave up eating in her grief. She became bone thin, and she died 4 years later purely of a broken heart. She never got over feeling guilty about wanting to be free of my Dad, but when it happened - she found out it was the worst thing in the world....

I just wanted to share this with you before you made any rash decisions regarding your marriage to a good man.


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## Songbird (Apr 2, 2006)

gypsymama said:


> Been married 34 years and don't know if I'll make it to 35.
> 
> I'm married to an engineer who is very even tempered, earns a good living, very dependable and responsible, has never verbally or physically abused me or the children. I, on the other hand, am more of a free spirit, laugh a lot (though a lot less lately) enjoy spontaneous adventures, am artistic and creative and playful. I've learned how to be dependable and responsible over the years of raising children and living with him.
> 
> ...


My Dad was just like the man you describe your DH to be. My Mother became very bored and unhappy with him in their empty nester years. She always wanted to travel and do exciting things, etc. He loved her dearly, but he was a homebody and didn't want to leave the homestead. She started talking about leaving him, etc. - this after 40 years of marriage. She said she just wanted to have her own place and that they could be "friends".... 

One day I got a phone call - my Daddy had dropped dead of a brain aneurysm. Totally unexpected. He was young - only 62. My Mother was beyond devastated. She was never the same again. She was never happy again. She missed him so much she couldn't stand it. She never enjoyed anything again. She even gave up eating in her grief. She became bone thin, and she died 4 years later purely of a broken heart. She never got over feeling guilty about wanting to be free of my Dad, but when it happened - she found out it was the worst thing in the world....

I just wanted to share this with you before you made any rash decisions regarding your marriage to a good man....

You need to make yourself happy and you don't have to leave your marriage to do that, unless that is what you want over anything else, and you've thought through all of the repercussions involved.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

I suggest you go on a womens retreat and find yourself. You need to find things that make you happy. One of my friends runs fiber retreats and she loves doing it she is married to a man that is so oposite her you wonder why but because she has her own pursuits it works. She is very talented in the arts and she has her own studio in her home and her door is always open for her friends. She took her daughter and sister on a retreat years ago andearned to set boundaries withher sister who was a taker, it helped her daughter to find herself at a young age. It was pretty funny she said a few things during the retreat about me and I was on a camping vacation and kept having dragonflies fly around me,later when we compared notes it was during those times the dravonflies ppeared she was talking or thinking bout me. You need to find who you are, he might be unsettled but you need to keep sane and explain to him that you need a center that is for.you. i think this is why so many women get divorced at this stage in life because what thye have is not enough and we are tired of men clinging to us and absorbing our energy. You need your own things to do


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## Patchouli (Aug 3, 2011)

The fact that you can't do what you like without him playing sick is a real problem. I wouldn't put up with that. Passive aggressive nonsense is just not acceptable to me. Next time you want to go out somewhere he isn't fond of let him know you are going on your own and explain exactly why he is not coming. That is the behavior of a child not an adult. 

I agree with other posters that it sounds like you need some hobbies for yourself and you need to find people you can talk to and hang out with to feed that need in your soul. A job isn't a bad idea either, just something to get you out with others.


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## gypsymama (Feb 22, 2006)

I know that a lot of this has been amplified by the move a few years ago. It was a mistake in so many ways for me. He is happy with a roof, good food, tv and computer.

I do have hobbies, but have neglected the continued pursuit of them and I know that I really need some people I can connect with. It does become a problem for him when I take off and do my own thing and I think part of my fear is that it would easy for me to live in my way, fill the voids and really not miss being around him. 

I thank you all for the input and am thinking and meditating on it.


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

I think when you are married to a basically decent man that the best thing to do is focus on their positive attributes. If you are always thinking about the negative things then that is what becomes the most important. 

If he doesn't want to do the same things you do, do them yourself. Maybe just gradually start doing something each week or month that you enjoy. Find clubs or volunteer organizations that you can join and make new friends. Cale and I don't always do a lot of activities or hobbies together, we have our own interests, but I still love him dearly and can't imagine life without him.


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

Sounds like you're having a mid life crises. Sorry but you're not going to like what I have to say -- GET OVER IT!
You say you have been married to a man "who is very even tempered, earns a good living, very dependable and responsible, has never verbally or physically abused me or the children" Had and raised children with him, say you "enjoy doing stuff together like eating out, biking, kayaking and watching movies"

But you've always had this dream ...... What you're saying is you've basically wasted 34 years of his and your life and now you want to follow a dream?!?!!! 
YOU get counseling, I am not talking marriage counseling, I mean that you need it. (not saying that he does not also, but you are the one with the 'dream' that is posting here.)
You can pursue interests on your own without divorcing or moving out.


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## my3boys (Jan 18, 2011)

Darren said:


> You're seeing the result of a training regimen that weeds out people with no mercy. I'm not sure what the drop out rate is. It was at least 50% at one time for engineering majors. While there are exceptions, engineers are stunted in a sense. Schooling may bring out some facets but on a practical basis, it's more directed so that a certain type makes it through. No one sat down and planned that. It just is based on the requirements to get through and graduate.
> 
> Engineers don't have the well rounded education of a liberal arts major. That contributes to some of the single sidedness later..


I am married to an engineer also. Dh told me that when he was in his first class in college the professor told them to look to their left and then to their right, then said "chances are in a year neither of them will still be an engineering student". 

You are dead on with your description, btw. And well said.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

Having reread he thread I start to wonder if your DHs clinginess fear you will leave him. Men can be very insecure and if you make statements that might indicate an ability to leavehim no wonder he mght be clingy, i find that men have a huge fear of losing their helpmate. If you are content to keep him he needs to know that your need to be out is a neccesary thing for you to remain happy in your marriage. I would pproach it more from the empty nest part of it as a way to exactly explain your sudden esire to do witjout his presence perhaps he will feel.more secure after understanding it and les likely to object to you having time away


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

My DH is very much like you describe your husband. I threw around the idea of leaving and finding my "soul mate" but that was a silly idea. When a woman is that kind of lonely the last thing she needs is a different man. Yes, it would be exciting for a while but eventually you might feel lonely with any man. I told my husband how I was feeling and he said I needed a girl friend. Someone to hang out with and share my feelings with and participate in my favourite activities with. He very bluntly told me he doesn't have what it takes to give me the emotional connection iwas searching for. So I put a whole lot of effort into finding fulfilment in my life, rather than expecting him to fulfil me. I got a horse and got involved with the horse world, meet other horse loving women, and started spending a lot more time babysitting my step grandchildren and hanging out with my step daughter. Now I'm happier. I spend less time with him but oh, well.

If your husband can't take care of you when you're sick, he has no right to look for your sympathy when he is playing sick. The only way your marriage can survive and be healthy is if you take care of yourself. That is going to mean finding yourself again. What were your very favourite things to do when you were twelve? I heard those things are the things that will make you happy again later in life. When I was twelve I was horse obsessed, so I found my way back to horses and they are helping me to find me again.


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## Kris in MI (May 30, 2002)

Have to share this, as it is so accurate (my DH showed it to me, and it does apply to both him and our son who just finished his 3rd year of college studying engineering) [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8vHhgh6oM0"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8vHhgh6oM0[/ame]


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

God made us all different and special in our own way. Not everyone is capable of caring for an ailing friend or loved one, much less desire to do it. Some live for it. If you ever succeed in making someone into what they are not, I believe you are, for sure, very special, and I don't know if I mean that in a nice way


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## Miss Kay (Mar 31, 2012)

Yep, mid-life crisis, empty nest, hormones, etc. What you are going through is very normal but temporary so be careful not to make a permanent mistake. You picked this man for those very traits and he picked you because you are everything he is not. He can't make you happy and if you leave him now, you still will not be happy. Like others have said, work on you, focus on his good qualities, and get over what you don't like. My guess is he could come up with several things he doesn't like about you but he loves you so he lets it go. Life gets better with age so in a few months or years when you get past this bump, you'll be glad you didn't do anything drastic. Grow old together and life can get much sweeter. I'm speaking with the voice of 40 years marriage with one of those guys.


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## Oma2three (May 5, 2012)

I hesitated to write ,but here it goes.I am married to an Engineer going on 49 years,yes the seem to be a different breed.But if you love each other AND respect each other things can work really well.Don't know if you work outside your home,but if not I would say go out do volunteer work or get a hobby or two,better yet do it together.
I find many times people concentrate too much on their own happiness instead of making 
their spouse happy.I am not saying that you do that.But I found the happier I make my hubby , I am the one who reaps the benefits


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

I am just ten years in with one of those guys. Two small children. 

You know what, I love him dearly. I know he loves me. He may be unintuitive (which to me reads like uncaring, but really he just does. not. get. it. sometimes. I say tomato, he says eggplant.) 

But he is not a girlfriend, and it sounds like you need one of those. I have friends I love and can actually talk with. Not easy! to make them as an adult, but when you find some, it helps so much. You cannot expect one person to meet your emotional needs. 

I have talked to women in your shoes, when the kids are grown and suddenly Mr. Machines is still Mr. Machines, but now you don't have that 24/7/365 job to do every ay, so there you are with lots of time and being used to managing others and- eek, not good. So. They DO travel, and their husbands survive. So do their marriages. They take up hobbies again, and classes, and maybe a midlife career. You are not alone. There are women's retreats for a reason. 

Two halves and all that. 

If he were graceless and passive aggressive about my pursuit of things for me, we would then have a problem. The Mother's Day thing someone shared... I just gave birth seven months ago so seriously I am going to stop there before I start suggesting stabbing him with a kebob skewer.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Reread my post. It's number 7.

We only go through our lives ONCE. Don't waste it!


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

Ardie/WI said:


> Reread my post. It's number 7.
> 
> We only go through our lives ONCE. Don't waste it!


Feel free to ignore post # 7. After 34 years you're having a temporary mid-life crises.


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## gypsymama (Feb 22, 2006)

Kris in MI said:


> Have to share this, as it is so accurate (my DH showed it to me, and it does apply to both him and our son who just finished his 3rd year of college studying engineering) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8vHhgh6oM0


This is Sooo Funny! I passed it to my friends who are engineer wives, they'll enjoy it.


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## gypsymama (Feb 22, 2006)

mnn2501 said:


> Feel free to ignore post # 7. After 34 years you're having a temporary mid-life crises.


Most of my married life, I have smushed down and kept hidden anything that might rock the boat, so I don't think this is temporary, nor is it new. It's taken years to get the place of saying "enough".

And, yes, there is quite a bit of passive aggressiveness. It's interesting that our children comment on never seeing us argue...well we don't. He has his own strong minded way of quietly getting his way, I just gave up long ago trying to fight it 

And for those who have said get hobbies, go on retreats, get girlfriends, I agree. There are many things I have done over the years and I do have a couple of friends. I've used my hobbies, activities and interests to fill the void and take the place of what wasn't happening in our relationship.

Thanks, all. I have read the responses and appreciate everyones input; the good, the bad and ugly. LOL.


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## simplegirl (Feb 19, 2006)

Gypsymama~ I feel your pain. I finally got to the place with my ex that there was nothing left in the relationship for me. It is your life and you have to decide for yourself what to do. For me, leaving was the only option I could find. I felt great relief that I had my life back. Counseling wouldn't change things, doing what I wanted wouldn't change things, hobbies, etc.... I was happy with doing my own thing but not happy in the relationship. 

I was lucky. After the divorce I found an old flame from years before and we ended up married. He is my soul mate, he is the other half of me, he loves me to death and shows me every day and I do the same for him. I have my life back. I'm happy. I know that doesn't happen for everyone, but it did for me.

I wish for you to be happy again. It sounds like you have not been true to yourself for a long time. Counseling for you alone might be helpful. Good luck in your journey to happiness.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

gypsymama said:


> Most of my married life, I have smushed down and kept hidden anything that might rock the boat, so I don't think this is temporary, nor is it new. It's taken years to get the place of saying "enough".
> 
> And, yes, there is quite a bit of passive aggressiveness. It's interesting that our children comment on never seeing us argue...well we don't. He has his own strong minded way of quietly getting his way, I just gave up long ago trying to fight it
> 
> ...


I don't think this is a tempory mid-life crisis for you at all. You've come to the place where you say," Enough is enough!"

Now it's up to you what you want to do. Hobbies and friends do not fill the void caused by an empty marriage.


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## crazyfarm (Oct 29, 2013)

Man thought I had a great response to you. See it was deleted for bad language. I laugh. Didn't even realize it. Might be a sign I need to straighten up my talk. I think I called your hubby a bad name. Sorry!

Good luck to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor is a savior. I'd try it!


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

Yeah, just throw away 34 years, its easy, nothing to it.


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

If you're looking for a good lover you need to stay married. All them men out there will think you're risky and exciting if you're married and having a good time with them on the side. Same for your husband. He could get him a few girlfriends on the side too. 

If it's not this type of relationship you're needing then wouldn't it make more sense to try and find some happy mind places with the man that's been beside you for 34 years? Why invite all those people you don't need to know into your life now?

Play games with each other. Life is too short to be in an ill humor for too long. If there's nothing to laugh about then make up something. I play this game called Statue. My DH swears every time I drag and roll the ottoman to the middle of the floor cause he knows which game I'm getting ready to play. It's really hard these days for me to get on this thing but I do. And I stand like the Statue of Liberty and tell him to gaze at my beauty as I begin to disrobe one flannel item at a time. I continue until it all drops and he's both laughing til crying and finding it hard to keep his self intact for when I really do need help getting off that ottoman. ahhh....

You folks need to lighten up on each other and be the good friends you promised to be.


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

mnn2501 said:


> Yeah, just throw away 34 years, its easy, nothing to it.


It was for my ex. 
Sad but true, he is oblivious to the painful ripples effects on the whole family.
In retrospect though I deserve to be with someone who means it when he says he loves me.
Better to be alone than with a phoney.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

roadless said:


> It was for my ex.
> Sad but true, he is oblivious to the painful ripples effects on the whole family.
> In retrospect though I deserve to be with someone who means it when he says he loves me.
> Better to be alone than with a phoney.


BEST post of the day! :happy:


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## Miss Kay (Mar 31, 2012)

So true. If you've really been that miserable with this man all these years then get on with it and set him free. He deserves a woman that really loves him and I'm sure there are many who would jump at a chance for such a man.


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## belladulcinea (Jun 21, 2006)

Wow. Let's overlook the 34 years that you two were together. Ok. You don't complain about him being a bad dad, a ne'er do well, a dead beat, drunk or anything like that. The worst thing you can complain about is that you aren't happy. Sorry, but wah. 

You are either happy or your not, you could leave him and feel worse. Ask your children what you should do, sometimes they are more insightful than anyone. And if you ARE going to leave him, I would at least give him a heads up, he deserves that at least. Don't leave until you have truly exhausted all options, mostly those that involve you making some changes because if you mushed down your feelings that's on you not him. . There's a great book called "Divorce Busting", it had a startling effect our marriage and several others. And only the women read it. Marriage isn't about "happiness" it's about being married. 

I've watched 6 friends do the same thing over the last two years and none of them is any happier than they were. Now they are just lonely and it's taken their grown kids a long time to get over the divorce and forgive their moms. Plus they attract the same types of guys they left! :soap:

Wanted to add, we've been 42 years this year, were they all happiness and fairy tale endings? Oh heck no, but I've grown as a person and so has he. We've weathered some really tough storms together and I wouldn't change a thing.


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## copperpennykids (Sep 6, 2004)

Just wondering if you took vows when you got married?


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## txplowgirl (Oct 15, 2007)

Hi Gypsymama, I was in an unhappy marriage for 21 years and I was talking to a friend of mine and she asked me a simple question that I am going to ask you. 

Which would you rather have? A marriage where you're unhappy with the man you love or happy without? 

To me it was simple. I would rather be happy without than dieing inside with the man I was married to. Now, go with your gut instinct. What does you gut tell you? Do not think with your brain or your heart but your gut and you'll have your answer. 

I hope this has helped you in some way. Take care.


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## Westexas (Apr 10, 2013)

If you are doing the things that make you happy - within the marriage vows - you will not mind his lack of communication so much, and he will be incredibly attracted to you. THAT is the woman he married! Be the caring, considerate partner that you want him to be, and praise him lavishly and repeatedly when he comes through. There is a child in each of us that responds on some level. Reinvent yourself, and see if the light doesn't come on in his head and in his eyes!


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## gypsymama (Feb 22, 2006)

Just to clarify for those who are making assumption about my life.

He brings home the majority of our income and that has allowed me to work when I felt like it. Yes, it's a comfortable life materially speaking.
I homeschooled our four children
Jobs I've held are; private school administrator, music teacher, art tutor, seamstress, shoe repair.
My hobbies are gardening, medicinal herbs, sewing, music, art, hiking, biking, kayaking, camping, writing, history. I'm an avid reader and enjoy learning.
His hobbies are mowing grass, watching sports, computer and hanging around me 
I'm an introvert as he is and need chunks of private time to renew my energy, but I also love meeting new people and going places.
I am extremely spiritual, he is not. This has led to me being involved in a lot things he isn't interested in.
I'm interested in finding out information about alternative energy, alternative buildings, raising food. He is not.
During the raising of our children, all vacations, sports, classes, ideas for family time, sending cards, keeping in contact with family, having friends over, (yada, yada) happened because I provided the research, packing, rides, opportunities and effort. He comes along and is involved because it's all put in place.
The laughter, adventures, outings, sharing and life come from me. While he has learned and grown a lot over the years, it has been very draining on me.

And for those who are making further assumptions: I have no interest in a boyfriend or lover.


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## gypsymama (Feb 22, 2006)

There are two incidents that happened within the last several years that caused me to look at our relationship in a different light.

One was when I broke my ankle. Other than go to the bathroom, I was not supposed to be up and around. Fortunately my daughter came over and made some meals so we could just heat them up. He would get himself something to eat, or drink or snacks and never even ask if I wanted something or think to bring me something. I would ask for things, blanket, water, food, maybe some of that ice cream he was eating and would get the roll of the eyes and a sigh, like it was a big burden for him.

Maybe it's the mommy in me, but I always want to make sure someone who is ill or injured is taken care of, to serve them until they were better. Even after telling him to think about me when he is getting something it didn't sink in. 

That's why it scares me to think if I ever get really sick, I wouldn't have someone to take care of me.

The other incident was when he shaved off his mustache. He's always had one, so I have no idea what possessed him. That thing hides a lot, because it was painfully clear how little he smiled or laughed on his own. It's almost like he tolerates other people.


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## gypsymama (Feb 22, 2006)

Again, I want to thank everyone for the time they've taken to respond to this thread. 

There have many who helped a lot.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Blessings, Gypsymama. I wish you the best.


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## Guest (May 16, 2014)

I have to say that from what you have posted, you're wanting to leave a perfectly good man because you are bored...or unfulfilled...or tired of providing your own happiness..as if your spouse's job is to make you happy..nobody can have the burden of ensuring another's happiness..happiness comes from within, not without..

The wonderful good man who is sitting across the room from me as I type, experienced a wife such as you..after decades of marriage and children, she announced that she was bored and unfulfilled..she needed more than just a plain old non-abusive, non-alcoholic, non-addict, non-violent , honest and trustworthy man could give her..so off she went..and took the farm and the cars and the cash..bye bye, "I'm off to live the life that I deserve."....

I'm thrilled that she did that..that man is now MY husband, and I am incredibly blessed to be his wife..

Husbands and wives are not responsible for one another's happiness or fulfillment, or excitement...if that were so, wouldn't that mean that YOU are responsible for your husbands happiness?


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Bostonlesley you eloquently summed up what I was thinking but couldn't express. 
Thank you.


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## Patchouli (Aug 3, 2011)

mnn2501 said:


> Yeah, just throw away 34 years, its easy, nothing to it.


Why are you making this so personal? You don't know what is really going on in their marriage and yet you keep knocking her down. I know people who have split up even after that long and went on to live happier lives. Sometimes it just takes people longer to hit the wall. But no one should ever live their lives in quiet despair just to keep a marriage together.


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## Wendy (May 10, 2002)

Happiness is a choice. You can get up in the morning & choose to be happy, or you can sit around & think of all the things that you are unhappy about. Shoot, I could depress myself easily, but instead, I get up, thank God for my life, my family, my health, the roof over my head, the food on the table, & all the other blessings I have. I choose everyday to be happy, because choosing to be unhappy just makes you & everyone around you miserable. 

Just remember the saying about how the grass is greener on the other side. Well, it's still just grass & probably no better than what you have now. You need to change your attitude about how you look at your life instead of focusing on all of the things that you are unhappy about.


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## dancingfatcat (Jan 1, 2008)

There is so much I could say about this, but won't. Bottom line is this, your not happy. Things won't magically get better and it sounds like he is pretty self centered (getting food for himself and not asking if you need/want anything). Over time you will build up resentment for how he treats you and the lack there of. You have every right to fear how things might turn out in the event you get sick. especially since he isn't helping to care for you now when you need him and only with a slight injury. I don't believe your having a mid-life crisis, you've just had enough...period. ask yourself this....if you only had a year left to live, what would you do??? may sound morbid, but as others have said, life's short.......you don't know what tomorrow will bring, so you better make the most of it while you can. And I might add, don't do anything rash, make a plan first and then work your plan....even if that means staying and working things out. Good luck to you.


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

Another engineer's wife here. (Ever notice how many of us married engineers??) Everyone is right - they are almost a different species. Honest, honorable, good providers and so on. But not usually at all communicative. Unless you speak quadratic equations. This can be very isolating for the other spouse.

My solution has been to basically pursue my own hobbies, mostly during the daytime when he is at work. I keep in touch with friends and family. I regularly visit with friends, I attend dog shows where I can catch up and gossip (usually just a one day thing now and then), I have a standing lunch date with my daughter and grand daughters about every two weeks, I meet my son and DIL for brunch at least once a month. DH knows that he is welcome to join me if he wishes - often he does not and that is OK. He is socially awkward and does not enjoy meeting people or even relatives unless they are fellow engineers. At home I knit, garden, read and have my animals. He likes to play with his computer, watch TV and eat good meals. 

Someone said that they look really hard for the tiny hints of affection - that is what I do, too. I have to admit that he will help me if I need stuff built or moved or whatever - but I have to ask. He doesn't intuitively "know" that I need help. 

I do not believe that your husband does not love you, I think he just doesn't know how to express it and would probably feel that the fact he has remained in the marriage for 34 years should be proof enough (logic, huh?). I get the feeling that you want him to be more demonstrative - that is not really likely to happen. Are you able to discuss things that interest him? I know a fair amount about DH's work, so can talk about that, we also talk about current affairs, news and so on. Doesn't sound deliriously romantic but dialogue is a habit we need to cultivate. If we are used to talking we can introduce more personal matters without the other feeling threatened (and I do think that many engineering types are threatened by the thought of having to discuss personal "stuff")

I hope that you sort out your life to your own satisfaction - what works for me or anyone else may not work at all for you. Good luck

Mary


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## grandma12703 (Jan 13, 2011)

Do things you enjoy. Do things he enjoys. As someone said sit down and think about what attracted you to him to begin with. I am a little like you I think in that I am a lot more spontaneous and adventurous than my DH. I have learned to just plan things to go do and tell him we are going at this time on this day. I don't let him "think" about it too much and we always have fun.

This past few years he has even gotten where when we get busy and don't go do anything remotely interesting he brings it up. Hey honey we need to go do something this weekend. Of course I have to plan it but that is ok and off we go. 

He sounds like a good guy and you sound like a great lady. Don't give up and don't wear yourself out. Just make life fun .... even after lots of years he may just catch on.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> Happiness is a choice. You can get up in the morning & choose to be happy, or you can sit around & think of all the things that you are unhappy about. Shoot, I could depress myself easily, but instead, I get up, thank God for my life, my family, my health, the roof over my head, the food on the table, & all the other blessings I have. I choose everyday to be happy, because choosing to be unhappy just makes you & everyone around you miserable.


This is true enough, but there is something about being in a loveless marriage that just sucks the soul right out of ya. It's much worse than being alone, IMO.


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## Dorothea (May 10, 2004)

so snotty remakes are cool,lol
i'm sorry the OP is getting such rude comments,,hope she can figure out what works for her and her marriage


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

bostonlesley said:


> I have to say that from what you have posted, you're wanting to leave a perfectly good man because you are bored...or unfulfilled...or tired of providing your own happiness..as if your spouse's job is to make you happy..nobody can have the burden of ensuring another's happiness..happiness comes from within, not without..
> 
> The wonderful good man who is sitting across the room from me as I type, experienced a wife such as you..after decades of marriage and children, she announced that she was bored and unfulfilled..she needed more than just a plain old non-abusive, non-alcoholic, non-addict, non-violent , honest and trustworthy man could give her..so off she went..and took the farm and the cars and the cash..bye bye, "I'm off to live the life that I deserve."....
> 
> ...


I wouldn't consider a man who finds it too much trouble to care for his sick wife a "perfectly good man".


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Dorothea said:


> so snotty remakes are cool,lol
> i'm sorry the OP is getting such rude comments,,hope she can figure out what works for her and her marriage


You know...I think that she will! She seems to have a great deal of insight and maturity and I doubt very much that the rude, unhelpful comments are going to bother her one bit!

Dutchie, I wish that I could have "Liked" your post TWICE!


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## Guest (May 18, 2014)

I don't recall saying " a perfect man". 

Communication is key...lack of communication dooms a relationship....who knows how many things the OP's spouse could cite as her imperfect behaviors? We all have them you know.


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

I've been married to a petroleum engineer for 40 years. I totally understand the OP's situation.

In 2012, hubby broke his pelvis and three ribs. As soon as he was mobile, he shattered his left leg just below the knee. Then he broke his wrist.

He LEARNED to be nicer to me.

Not wishing this on the OP's hubby, but I hope he learns what a gem he has in her.

Yes, you need your own space and time. Get a small building for the back yard. Make it your studio. SERIOUSLY. I have one. Makes all the difference.


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## gypsymama (Feb 22, 2006)

Thanks to all who actually *read* my posts and a special thanks to all the wives of engineers. I know that you know what I'm talking about. Your input has been very helpful. 

And, yes, you're right Artie. I'll be able to figure it out and many have helped in one way or the other.


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

Personal convictions are fine, but they are just that. Personal.


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## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

So hubby doesn't like it when you try to make yourself happy by going off and doing other things. I think I'd be asking whether hubby loves you, or simply loves what you do for him. You pretty much say this was a marriage of convenience - for him as well, it seems. You have made it work until the kids left and now you're without distraction.

I'm hoping you do things that make you happy anyway, and that this makes you more attractive in hubby's eyes, enough for him to show it. And that those things you choose to do really DO make you happy.

If not.... please don't do what so many women do (in particular) and Play Martyr. Don't sacrifice the rest of your life because you worry what other people think. Don't worry about people who would scorn you for your choices, or because you took a vow that you did not expect to lead to chronic loneliness. Honesty, kindness, trustworthiness and a sense of responsibility are merely minimum requirements that all marriageable men should have. The fact that he doesn't hit you - sheesh, that's a pretty low minimum requirement people mentioned. Compatability is important. There are a lot of wonderful people out there without a ton of interests and completely happy with simple lives even if without a lot of communication - those kinds of people don't always understand that you can't just make things work with any good man. 

I hope you find happiness and LOVE - within this marriage, if possible.


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

You vowed for better or worst. You've had the better, now maybe this is a little of the worst. But, if he's a good man, then how bad could it _really_ be. I think your reality may be clouded by your empty nest. Keep focused on what you do have and how blessed you are to have a good man. Often we create or diminish our own happiness. There are great blessings, comfort and security in learning to be content with what we do have when we're with a good person.

Maybe just spend some time talking to and encouraging women who have had very abusive husbands, husbands who drank or gambled away their pay checks every week, cheated, could have cared less about their children, or women who are struggling raising children alone. Also, it isn't necessarily marriage counseling you need, it's a course in communication. Maybe find a counselor that specializes in that or even take a communication course together at your local community college. 

It would help you re-focus on the good man you have and remember why you love him. Re-discover all his good qualities and realize how fortunate you really are. Appreciation for your spouse covers a multitude of things you wish were different about them.


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## Brighton (Apr 14, 2013)

Karen said:


> You vowed for better or worst. You've had the better, now maybe this is a little of the worst.


Did you mean "for better or worse"? And honestly, who is anyone here to judge the OP, for all we know she didn't get married in a church and have to recite that horrible line "for better or worse", is worse when they barely talk to you, no hugs, kisses and well you know time, or just beat the heck out of you, in some relationships it is the same thing, just less physical trauma!

OP, I am sending you energy, you need it!


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## Wendy (May 10, 2002)

When one makes a commitment of marriage, that usually means good times & bad. If you only get married thinking things will be good all the time, then you shouldn't get married at all.


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

While I agree that one enters into marriage for the long haul, I do believe it takes both partners to make it work.

I do know that it's tough to be in a relationship when a person doesn't feel loved but I have a feeling that this man does love his wife and isn't expressing it well at all. 

Before ending a long term relationship, I would encourage you and your spouse to consider counselling. 

A good man is much more than making a good living or paying the bills and he should value and respect his wife as well.


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## Just Little Me (Aug 9, 2007)

wr said:


> Before ending a long term relationship, I would encourage you and your spouse to consider counselling.


 
She has posted that this has already been done.

Mental pain in a marriage is longer lasting than physical pain. But this is her choice to make.


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## Dorothea (May 10, 2004)

Wendy said:


> When one makes a commitment of marriage, that usually means good times & bad. If you only get married thinking things will be good all the time, then you shouldn't get married at all.


seems to me a few are stuck on the vows she said,,what about his vows to her,,she was sick and he refused to take care of her,,i've been married for almost 33 years and i love my husband to death but i would have to rethink if he did this to me,,


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## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

Ideally when those vows are said, they are said because two people are in love, not just because one is with child. To be blunt we don't know if this is the case or not. If anything.... the OP says she always wanted a partner to share her life with.... which makes it sound like this was never the marriage she was looking for in the first place. Not that she doesn't want to make it work, and she is trying to figure that part out, so more power to her.

As she says she can't carry this marriage on her own. The fact that he was not willing to stick to therapy is telling. I'm not so sure he values her happiness, but what she can do for him. He sounds like he makes little or no sacrifices on her behalf, whereas she sacrificed her whole life to raise kids and try to make a less than ideal marriage work. It sounds like she wants more out of life, always did, whereas he's content with the status quo. If hubby doesn't care about the OP's happiness, who will?

No one is stuck honoring vows to anyone who consistently proves, despite years of chances, that they do not deserve them.


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## pumpkinlady (Sep 3, 2003)

I am so sorry you are going through this and truly hope you find some way to be happy. It is never easy to decide to move on and start a new life. On one hand I too feel marriage is for better or worse and one should try everything possible to make it work. On the other hand it is terrible to to be so lonely when you aren't alone. When you keep feelings locked inside or can't find a way to make the other person hear and understand it can make you feel like you are slowly dying inside. It is understandable to be at a loss on who you are and why you are there. The big issue is how to change that. Just because someone is a good provider means you have to stay with them. Just do some deep soul searching before you make that big of a change. There might not be any going back. Maybe you can find a way to fulfill your life and still have him in a little corner of your life. Maybe you will find that you need to be on your own to be happy. I feel for you going through this tough time and hope you are able to choose the right path for you. Maybe this post doesn't make any sense but I do hope you find happiness.


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

Just Little Me said:


> She has posted that this has already been done.
> 
> Mental pain in a marriage is longer lasting than physical pain. But this is her choice to make.



I don't think anyone has said it was not her choice to make but I also think that counsellors and counselling styles fit every individual or couple so another might suit better or they may just say that nothing can be done. 

I have left a marriage and even under the most difficult circumstances, it's not easy. There is a period of self doubt and a lot of time spent wondering if one has really done the right thing. In my opinion, even if a counsellor indicates that the marriage is not going to improve, it helps eliminate a lot of guilt and self doubt.


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

Dorothea said:


> seems to me a few are stuck on the vows she said,,what about his vows to her,,she was sick and he refused to take care of her,,i've been married for almost 33 years and i love my husband to death but i would have to rethink if he did this to me,,


He didn't refuse to take care of her - he *did* roll his eyes. Maybe he was intimidated by the responsibility. Maybe he was scared that he would do something wrong. Maybe he felt he should know what she needed and was embarrassed to admit he didn't. Engineers tend to live in a "right or wrong" world. There is no room for "more or less OK". 

As it so happens - yesterday I injured my ankle. Not badly, but it *did* hurt and I sat in my recliner and refused to budge. He brought me water when I asked for it. Filled the dogs' food and water dishes when I asked <sigh> then he asked what was for dinner. LOL. We did have some left over chicken marsala. I said "salad, then that chicken" "what are we having with the chicken?" "You can cook either broccoli or zoodles" Truth is - he has no clue in the kitchen - that is generally my domain. I had him bring the spiralizer thing so I could show him how to make the zucchini noodles, explained how to heat the chicken and how to toss the zoodles so they were hot, cooked and covered in sauce. Were they as good as they would have been if I had been in there? Not at all. But he *did* manage to make a salad and he *did* manage to get some warm food to me, so I am not complaining. He thought he was some kind of hot-shot chef, so we both won. 

As an aside, mothers - ALWAYS teach your boys as well as your girls to cook and cook well. Your future daughters in law will LOVE you for it 

Mary


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## nodak3 (Feb 5, 2003)

My 2 cents? Passive aggressive behavior IS abusive. It is emotional abuse.

I would recommend a good counselor just for yourself. Down the road a bit you will be able to decide clearly if the level of abuse is enough to leave over, or if you can find ways to challenge it instead of enable it.

Married about 45 years, mostly happily, but definitely took time to learn to turn Mr. Logic around, and to stand up and challenge him when he tried the PA stuff.


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## luvrulz (Feb 3, 2005)

willow_girl said:


> This is true enough, but there is something about being in a loveless marriage that just sucks the soul right out of ya. It's much worse than being alone, IMO.


 But it's not a loveless marriage. It's just not what she thinks she wants. Totally different. The hubby has different ways and methods of showing his love. Does that mean it's not there? Absolutely not. 

On the other hand, I would rule out any medical issues and learn to create my own happiness.... I do my crafts, find ground that we can communicate about, things we can share and things we can do apart. Most married couples do all that. After 35 yrs, there's bound to be differences in your perspective and his.... But there's also a lot of stuff that you've shared. I would focus on all that.....


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## notwyse (Feb 16, 2014)

It is hard to give advice for me because I have spent a good part of my own life dealing with my own poor choices. But I can say this with confidence.... You have to learn to love and accept yourself. That is a persons one constant. Once you can do that it is easier to make choices based upon who you actually are rather than who others expect you to be. Then you can make a decision. Good luck. Live well.


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## Miss Kay (Mar 31, 2012)

Made me think of this old Dolly Parton song

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dollyparton/todaddy.html


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

That song soooo reminds me of my mother ...


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## wogglebug (May 22, 2004)

What did you say and mean in your marriage vows? Whom did you make the vows to, and before? Is it worth investing energy and insight to manage to keep them, or do you want to invest energy in breaking them and destroying his life?


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## candyknitter (Apr 23, 2009)

OP you sound like a wonderful woman, you have interesting hobbies and seem a very efficient and organised person. I wonder if filling your time with hobbies isn't actually enough, how about teaching them? You mention being interested in spirituality and herbs, could you do classes or even organise retreats yourself?
Being busy with something you love might make you not mind so much coming home to a slightly dull husband, and it might even make him sit up and think "Wow she has been a wonderful mother and wife, and she can do so much more too!" More importantly it will make you feel good about yourself, and it will be fun meeting others with your interests.
I don't know any engineers but people here seem to think his behaviour is normal for his career. If you hadn't said what he did I would have thought this behaviour was down to an emotionally cold upbringing. Did he have an unloving childhood?


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

bostonlesley said:


> I don't recall saying " a perfect man".
> 
> .


You didnt. You said "a perfectly good man" as you can see in the quoted posts.


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## Marthas_minis (Jan 28, 2014)

I could have written this. Seriously.

Find a good licensed marriage/family therapist. 

We separated for nearly 2 years about 3 years ago. I don't regret it one bit. We both dated other people. I saw a therapist and worked some things out. In the end, we got back together because we couldn't imagine spending the rest of our lives without the other. 

I thought I wanted someone more... Involved. Nah. Not really worth it. I like my independence and I like running the show. I don't do too well with a man trying to tell me what to do. Everything we have built has been my vision and his willingness and ability to make it happen. It works even if I want to strangle him half the time. 

I second what someone else said about boundary issues. 

It's still a struggle but I'm still here and I'm happy most of the time.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Gypsymama? Half of my family are engineers. Might I make a suggestion?

Gently tell him that now that the kids are grown, you have decided it is time for you to have "Girls night out" once a week. Tell him it will be on "X" day of the week, every week, and that his dinner will be in the fridge. All he has to do is heat it. 

Then you GO! 

If you have a friend to go with, fine. If you do not then go alone, so that you no longer feel trapped. If you wish to change your schedule to take a class or whatever tell him before you do it.

Engineers function best if they can SCHEDULE things! And the dinner can be nice sandwich makings (Like sliced ham and cheese) and salad from a bag if you wish. Or a TV dinner, that is why they MAKE them!

Best of all you can have a girls night out break starting next week, if you choose it.


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

Get counseling for yourself. 
Counseling doesn't have to be about two people. I've done it several times over the years when I needed help figuring out how to handle situations. 

I'm in a similar situation, I'm married to a good man, who provides well and loves me. Our marriage has changed over the years and now that we're older he's very much a home body. 
I have a very active social life with friends, church, hobbies, etc. that my husband has no interest in. He can survive without me when I take trips, so I don't hesitate to go to events or go on vacation without him - if he doesn't want to go.

I've decided I'm going to be happy and active, even if he doesn't want to. 
After witnessing my Aunt's mid-life divorce and her realizing later on she wished she'd stuck it out, I decided I didn't want to make that mistake and regret it later on.

Divorce is a huge step, especially in mid-life, that's why I suggest you get counseling for yourself. If you aren't looking for another mate and you think you can resolve your loneliness w/o taking such a life-changing step, it might be best to take your time and think it through first.

Prayers for you, I understand how you feel.


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## ChristieAcres (Apr 11, 2009)

Although I am not married to an Engineer, I do believe those with different personalities, lacking much in common for interests, and with different needs, should spend less time together. Even when spouses enjoy a lot of the same activities, have good communication, and are close? It is good to spend time with others and having differing interests.

DH and I spend a lot of time together. He is happier when I am around, but I am the one who needs a bit of space at times. I enjoy my time with him far more, when I also get to have some free time pursuing my own interests. This results in DH also appreciating time with me more. It is a win-win!


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## Freya (Dec 3, 2005)

*gypsymama...

*Has hubby ever been diagnosed with Asperger's (high functioning autism)?

Google that a bit. :grouphug:





.


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## chamoisee (May 15, 2005)

Gypsymama, I haven't read the entire thread so if what I say doesn't apply, then just ignore it. It sounds to me like this is actually a POSITIVE thing. You love your husband. He loves you. You two do things together. And there's a problem and you're aware of what it is. I think this could be the catalyst for positive change for you both. If verbal communication doesn't work, then try writing to him. Your kids are grown and gone, now is the time to explore what the two of you will do with the rest of your life together. Maybe you need a hobby (goats?) . Maybe you could both start contra dancing, or square dancing. Or start a business. Explore the possibilities!


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

You do realize Chamoisee, that you have resurrected a thread that was over a year old? 

It would be interesting to see what Gypsymama did (if anything) and if she still feels the same. I'd like to hear "The rest of the story."

But alas, it looks like Gypsymama hasn't been on since February. Did she leave with the mass exodus we had?


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## chamoisee (May 15, 2005)

I didn't realize. I am sorry. I haven't been on here for abut a year either, I think.


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