# Needed vs. Wanted



## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Do you want to be needed in a relationship?

Do you want to be wanted in a relationship?

Do you want to be needed and wanted in a relationship?

A post in another thread got me to thinking about this. 

I think a single woman with a "farm" looks like a lot of work to a man and keeps them at arms length sometimes.

Just because I needed help doing somethings around here, I wouldn't want a potential mate to feel used or obligated because we were together. I would hate for someone to help me and not really want to.

So in my mind I want someone in my life but I don't really need someone. I mean if they wanted to help that would be fine and I would appreciate it but if they didn't I could hire it done or whatever.

So if someone said to you " I don't need you but I want you in my life." would it offend you?

Just rambling.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

I want to be needed, but I need to be wanted.


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

Vicker said it!


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

What Vicker said. Right on the money.


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

I want to be wanted.


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

> I want to be needed, but I need to be wanted.


Hmm. It's the other way around for me. I don't want to be needed and I don't need to be wanted.

I will admit it's nice to be wanted and I enjoy that very much because to me there is a sincerity and friendliness about being wanted just for who I am without having to fufill anyone elses needs or expectations of me. But I don't need to be wanted. 

I'm no longer comfortable about being needed because that neediness denotes expectations or dependency that I'm not prepared (or able) to commit myself to fulfilling. It was okay to be needed in the past when I was younger, more resiliant, stronger, healthier, full of vim and vigour both physically and mentally and could hold up to the physically straining and emotionally draining demands of being needed.

These days I prefer just to be wanted for who I am and not for what somebody else's needs or demands are. It works for me.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

I want to be wanted. I don't need to be wanted.
I don't want to be needed.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Do you want to be needed in a relationship?
*I want and need to be needed in a relationship.*

Do you want to be wanted in a relationship?
*I want to be wanted.*

Do you want to be needed and wanted in a relationship?
*Yes, I do.*



So if someone said to you " I don't need you but I want you in my life." would it offend you?
*Depends on how they said and in what context. If some one said I do not need you in my life but I want you in my life because my life is so much better with you in it then I would not take offense. I would only get involved with a woman I wanted in my life because she makes my life so much better with her in it. *

Just rambling
*Ramble on....*


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

LOL, as usual, I will make this complicated...

*Do you want to be needed in a relationship?* Yes and no. I want to be with someone I can hardly stand to be without -- but we all know this is a pleasant fiction. For circumstances beyond my control, I was made to live without someone I had hoped never to live without. I want to be needed only to the extent that a partner of mine may find themselves ill or incapacitated and in need of my looking after his welfare. Beyond that, no. We are whole people who can fulfill our own needs.

*Do you want to be wanted in a relationship?* Unequivocally... yes.

*Do you want to be needed and wanted in a relationship?* See above.

*I think a single woman with a "farm" looks like a lot of work to a man and keeps them at arms length sometimes.* I have run across this as well. LOL, or they seem surprised that the farm is well kept without a man around.

*So if someone said to you " I don't need you but I want you in my life." would it offend you?* Not in the least. I'd be apt to say it first. And he'd have to say, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want you in my life.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

I don't know I thought maybe there would be some male gold diggers who would be interested in sniffing around a single woman with a farm. I would guess.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

City Bound said:


> I don't know I thought maybe there would be some male gold diggers who would be interested in sniffing around a single woman with a farm. I would guess.


LOLOL, gee, CB... maybe you want to put this in a little nicer way?

<gesturing wildly> Hey!! HEY!! All you gold-digging men, the line forms here!!! I'm too stooooooooopid to figure out that's your angle!!!!

:nanner: :nanner: :nanner:


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## lonelytree (Feb 28, 2008)

Nurse with a purse?


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

lonelytree said:


> Nurse with a purse?


Hey, if you're gonna dream, dream big.


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

At this stage of my life, I've learned to fully appreciate the value of a strong friendship, instead of an infatuated attraction, as a prerequisite to a romantic relationship. By necessity, a deep understanding of your friend is essential to a strong friendship. And of course, for those feelings to ever have a chance to blossom into a romantic relationship, they have to be mutual.

That said, my friend and partner would need to know that I would be there for her, if she needed me. She would know this because of my efforts to show her that I want her in my life as much as I need my heart to beat, or to breathe. The trust and mutual respect we would share would excite the want and moderate the need like a balanced ecosystem.


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## catspjamas (Jul 14, 2013)

I want him to want me in his life, as much as I want him to be in my life.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Raeven said:


> LOLOL, gee, CB... maybe you want to put this in a little nicer way?
> 
> <gesturing wildly> Hey!! HEY!! All you gold-digging men, the line forms here!!! I'm too stooooooooopid to figure out that's your angle!!!!
> 
> :nanner: :nanner: :nanner:


 
Did it come across harshly?


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

Well CB, normally, your first post would be a valid assumption. Problem is, by the time they get to HT/ST they've got edumacated.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

tambo said:


> I want to be wanted. I don't need to be wanted.
> I don't want to be needed.


I believe you have answered your own questions very nicely and summed up my thoughts on them.


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## Fair Light (Oct 13, 2010)

vicker said:


> I want to be needed, but I need to be wanted.


This is it....100%


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

I too agree with Vicker. And I am finding it hard to find someone that likes the farm life. Having a farm takes away alot of options when it comes to dating, and then there's my sense of humor...I like laughing, even if it's at myself, heck yesterday boomer my dog accidently knocked me down, and he was so worried that he hurt me that he stood over me to see if I was okay and I couldnt get up with him on me I felt like the little kid on "Christmas Story" stuck in the snow except it was mudd. I was laughing so hard and he was so concerned. I completely keep myself entertained for sure, I just wish sometimes I had someone to share all this laughter with.


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## NoClue (Jan 22, 2007)

I'm with Vicker


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

So those of you that want to be needed, what do you want to be needed for? What does it say to you if someone said I don't need you but I want you if my life. 

The reason I am asking this is because I feel the same way Paumon feels about someone needing me. I would take a step back if someone told me they needed me. I would step up if someone told me they wanted me.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

i dont want a needy man, I want my man to feel needed and wanted. I have chased off men by not excepting help, which in turn makes them fell not needed or wanted. I have to learn to allow someone to help, but it's hard to do. 


It's needed to make a man feel wanted.


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## NoClue (Jan 22, 2007)

tambo said:


> So those of you that want to be needed, what do you want to be needed for? What does it say to you if someone said I don't need you but I want you if my life.
> 
> The reason I am asking this is because I feel the same way Paumon feels about someone needing me. I would take a step back if someone told me they needed me. I would step up if someone told me they wanted me.


For my sparkling, effervescent personality, of course.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

NoClue said:


> For my sparkling, effervescent personality, of course.


What if they just wanted you for that?


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## doodlemom (Apr 4, 2006)

lonelytree said:


> Nurse with a purse?


Where's Shygal?


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

tambo said:


> What if they just wanted you for that?


I'd be apprehensive I couldn't keep it up for an entire lifetime, because life happens. I'd want it to be based on more than that. Much more, in fact.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Raeven said:


> I'd be apprehensive I couldn't keep it up for an entire lifetime, because life happens. I'd want it to be based on more than that. Much more, in fact.


Is there a difference saying I want you for that than I want you just for that.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

tambo said:


> Is there a difference saying I want you for that than I want you just for that.


Without knowing the surrounding circumstances, it's hard to say. But I guess in general, for me at least, I'd want to explore the meaning of such a statement in a thorough way. 

I guess I'd be pleased he liked my effervescent sparkling personality (such as it is), but... what all does that engender? If it was JUST for that, then I would be concerned. I could get hit by a log truck tomorrow on my way to town. That might hinder my effervescent, sparkling personality for awhile. Would he take a powder under such circumstances, because I couldn't amuse him? LOL, he might be just as happy with a comical little dog!

Not sure I'm offering anything of use, but FWIW.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Raeven I always appreciate your take on things. You are a very wise woman.


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## SimplerTimez (Jan 20, 2008)

sustainabilly said:


> (snip) The trust and mutual respect we would share would excite the want and moderate the need like a balanced ecosystem.


This was really one of the most excellent expressions that I've seen in a long time. Nice contribution.



NoClue said:


> For my sparkling, effervescent personality, of course.


This made me crack up, lol! Mainly because often one hears someone say "He/she has a great personality but..."

*Do you want to be needed in a relationship?*

I have a hard time with the word &#8216;need&#8217;, because our individual frames of reference infer the meaning based on our own internal perspective. It's not a concrete and consistent meaning.

I _don&#8217;t_ want to be needed in a way that indicates that I&#8217;m not involved with a whole and emotionally healthy person.

I _do_ want to be needed as a committed partner that is a valuable contributor to all aspects of the relationship, particularly on the basis of the lifestyle that we all here share as a foundational part of our lives

It is my opinion that men sincerely do need to feel needed, but perhaps just not in the way that women view that word. It is my belief and experience that men need to feel needed in a way that enhances and re-enforces their internal masculine perspective (which may vary from individual man to man) be it as a provider, a protector, or the rock upon which a woman may rest her soul &#8211; any or all of these things. I believe that we will see that more men connect with a desire to being needed than women. I also think that our current cultural environment has directed women away from saying they &#8216;need&#8217; a man because it is somehow unseemly to say so (and I am aware that I vary greatly from many of the women here in this statement so YMMV).

*Do you want to be wanted in a relationship?*

In my opinion women want to be desired, which is another word for want. Yes, I want my partner to desire me &#8211; emotionally, physically and intellectually. But for me personally, it is quite important to feel wanted (and not always in a sexual manner); to feel that I am valued for the whole person that I am.

*Do you want to be needed and wanted in a relationship?*

Yes, as expressed above. I guess I see it as a Venn diagram &#8211; two whole people that overlap in the center; each capable and complete on their own, but that when combined together, they become greater than the sum of all parts; complementary to each other in emotional, physical and intellectual ways &#8211; better, the both of them, through their relationship.

*So if someone said to you " I don't need you but I want you in my life." would it offend you?*

I don&#8217;t know, really. I&#8217;d have to reserve judgment on that based on the context in which it was said. I think 'offend' is a bit strong of a word. 

(The views expressed above are not representative of the HT platform and tax, tag and dealer fees are the purchaser's responsibility - lol)

~ST


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## NoClue (Jan 22, 2007)

SimplerTimez said:


> I have a hard time with the word âneedâ, because our individual frames of reference infer the meaning based on our own internal perspective. It's not a concrete and consistent meaning.
> 
> I _donât_ want to be needed in a way that indicates that Iâm not involved with a whole and emotionally healthy person.
> 
> ...



I was writing a subsequent post along these line. You said it better.

I don't think that the want/need divide falls clearly along gender lines. My ex, as one of her reasons for wanting a divorce, said that my not needing her was a big issue. I didn't feel that her assessment was entirely accurate - there were ways and times when I really needed her, but she was unwilling and/or unable to be needed in those ways and times. The reverse is almost certainly true as well. The difference was in how we handled it - I sucked it up and made do; she divorced me.


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## catspjamas (Jul 14, 2013)

tambo said:


> So those of you that want to be needed, what do you want to be needed for? What does it say to you if someone said I don't need you but I want you if my life.
> 
> The reason I am asking this is because I feel the same way Paumon feels about someone needing me. I would take a step back if someone told me they needed me. I would step up if someone told me they wanted me.


If someone says to another person "I need you", they are looking to have something filled inside themselves that only they can fill. Another person can't fill that need and it's not their place. The person will always let the person with the "need" down. A husband needs to be respected by his wife. Not just that he wants respect, he needs it, even if he isn't conscious that of that need. I want to be needed, but it is for that indefinable need between two people. When the other person fills that need, just by being themselves, it's what makes you not only want but need that person. I'm probably not making sense. I just know there's a difference. Maybe it's that soulmate quality that people want and need.

Sent from my XT907 using Homesteading Today mobile app


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

Do you want to be needed in a relationship?
*Yup.*

Do you want to be wanted in a relationship?
*Yup.*

Do you want to be needed and wanted in a relationship?
*Yup.*

So if someone said to you " I don't need you but I want you in my life." would it offend you?
*Nope. But it would be better to be desired in more than one way.* 

But either way a lot of people misuse these words anyway. This past weekend I was on two dates. The first one, I've went out with him before so it was nice to visit and catch up since I haven't seen him in several months due to work and etc. 

He said things like, "I needed tonight, to get away and out of the drama of work, to just be with someone that I can relax with." and then, "I want to see you again, but let's not take so long."

See that's nice. (to me anyway)

The second date...was a first date...and this one said things like, "I need a good woman like you. These other women don't know how to treat men." Told me how "perfect" I am and etc, etc, etc...talked a lot about me..but really...he talked a lot about himself inserting me in there.

Eh. No..you need to go learn some stuff about life. If it's bad it's not going to be fixed by a woman. It's a subtle thing sometimes but this second man is needy as all get out. Showed up literally bathed in horrible cologne after I had asked him not to wear any because I am allergic to most. Then just kept trying to kiss me all the time. meh. I have a personal bubble.

Funny thing...I'm more attracted physically to the second guy until he starts talking and I can smell him LMAO.

But in their own words you can tell what kind of guy they are...one is confident and cares about himself, knows that he is stressed out and chooses to spend time with people that are relaxing to him. 

The second is searching for someone to "complete" his strange view of his world, that really doesn't concern itself with assessing himself or his actual NEEDS...just his wants. He wants someone like me he says...but I can't do anything for him...he can't even think of someone else long enough on a first date not to listen to a real health concern.

You should have seen what happened when I got a nose bleed due to his cologne lol. What a mess of a date.


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## doodlemom (Apr 4, 2006)

You got me thinking about back in the day. My personal bubble.... It was on a sliding scale actually. I think I was holding the wand and deciding how big it should be lol.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

lol I don't just decide.... I can tell the people I want to let in...usually the ones forcing the issue you just do not let in.

Since this weekend I've been considering. I am not sure I have met that many people who have spent so LOooooong talking about ME without letting me talk about me. This thing ended with him telling me about myself without me actually saying much of anything about myself...didn't have time to...he did all the talking.

Whereas, Mr. Nice.... he didn't talk for me or at me or about me other than the stray compliment...he just let me talk...and when I didn't want to talk it wasn't weird. He talked....and he talked about stuff...not him or me or other people...just stuff LOL.

Like a real person.

I like real people.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

I've been pondering this. Can we select both?

I do what I do by myself, and I'm capable of doing it all...well, most all!  I'm wondering if in a good relationship, both partners shouldn't be needed as well as wanted? A partnership should be a blending of knowledge, skills, sharing, caring, and sometimes one must carry a big burden of all of it! That's when some love and commitment come into play.

I lack in a lot of ways...I often do what I desire to do, now! Whether it be ambitious or not. I generally stay busy, but some things I know need done, suffer. I absolutely hate doing pencil work for one, and I'll procrastinate about it, till I absolutely have to. In fact I often feel lazy compared to the drive I had when I was married.

I think needed and wanted should blend together quite well. You NEED and WANT someone you can count on throughout life. You know they're committed as well as you are. And the more you realize the commitment shared, the more you realize what a treasure you have! 

I'm only speaking hypothetically. I came close to experiencing it once upon a time, but she was looking for a better partner. Me...I learned to love my kids and my life even more than I thought I ever could. A partner would add to it in so many ways!

Life...It's a good ride!




tambo said:


> Do you want to be needed in a relationship?
> 
> Do you want to be wanted in a relationship?
> 
> ...


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

NoClue said:


> For my sparkling, effervescent personality, of course.





tambo said:


> What if they just wanted you for that?


Well she's got a boat too, right? Right? What?


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## 54metalman (Jul 12, 2011)

I want to be needed. I have been in a relationship for the past year and a half and it has ended badly. The reason, or at least one of the reasons, was I had been saying I needed to be with her. That is an easy thing to mess up with I want to be with her. It is very nice to be needed and even nicer to be wanted, as long as its not from the authorities..... LOL. 

I want to be wanted and needed. I need to be sure its for all the right reasons and with the right person.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

54metalman said:


> I want to be needed. I have been in a relationship for the past year and a half and it has ended badly. The reason, or at least one of the reasons, was I had been saying I needed to be with her. That is an easy thing to mess up with I want to be with her. It is very nice to be needed and even nicer to be wanted, as long as its not from the authorities..... LOL.
> 
> I want to be wanted and needed. I need to be sure its for all the right reasons and with the right person.


Sorry Chris.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Needed? No. I don't want to be needed. My x "needed" me... To pay the bills do he could sit and do nothing. 

Wanted? Yes. I would love to actually be wanted... For who I am.


Sent from my iPhone using Homesteading Today


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

Before we hooked up, DBF was the one I called whenever something broke that I couldn't fix myself. 

At least nowadays, he's getting something in return for his trouble! ound: ound:


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## Jim-mi (May 15, 2002)

Wow I am more than a bit over whelmed. . . . . All the above ways to use the words wanted and needed.........
Seems some of these posts are over defining and confusing me . . . .

How about an old fashioned relationship where two people just spark together......


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## JohnnyLee (Feb 13, 2011)

The "wanted" is obligatory, the "needed" is optional.


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## NoClue (Jan 22, 2007)

Needs and wants both cover a wide spectrum with a certain amount of overlap in meaning

Needs can range from complete dependence (not usually a good thing in adults) to being essential to one's vision of the future (a sign of commitment). Similarly, wants can range from the instant urge for gratification (which usually evaporates once that itch is scratched) to being essential to one's vision of the future (again, probably a sign of commitment).


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

tambo said:


> Do you want to be needed in a relationship?


Loved, and appreciated.
Cherished, respected.



> Do you want to be wanted in a relationship?


Security.



> Do you want to be needed and wanted in a relationship?


A strong confident man.




> A post in another thread got me to thinking about this.
> 
> I think a single woman with a "farm" looks like a lot of work to a man and keeps them at arms length sometimes.


On the 'surface' a man may shy away because:
1. She is strong, and he does not feel like HE is needed.
2. He is in unfamiliar territory and that makes him uncomfortable
3. He is looking for something different...



> Just because I needed help doing somethings around here, I wouldn't want a potential mate to feel used or obligated because we were together. I would hate for someone to help me and not really want to.
> 
> So in my mind I want someone in my life but I don't really need someone. I mean if they wanted to help that would be fine and I would appreciate it but if they didn't I could hire it done or whatever.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying, but I would find a different way to word it.....in such a way that lets him know "I am not into you because I want help to get work done....but I am into YOU the person, period"...or something like that.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

I would never actually say this to someone. I would want them to know I wanted them just for who they are and not for what they can do for me.

Need def...require (something) because it is essential or very important

Want def... 1. noun a desire for something. 2 verb 
have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for.

Maybe I don't to be wanted. I sure don't want to be possesed. Lol


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

I have always said that I don't need a man, I just want one because the right man makes lives more enjoyable.

When my husband met me he said one thing that attracted him to me was that I didn't need him. I had a career that paid well, I was financially stable and I was doing just fine raising my kids on my own. He knew that I wasn't with him for money.

Now as far as helping around the homestead, I admit that sometimes I do NEED a man, but my 17 year old son is 6'3" and very strong which is nice to have as well as a husband.


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## doodlemom (Apr 4, 2006)

JohnnyLee said:


> The "wanted" is obligatory, the "needed" is optional.


Plants need sunlight.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

doodlemom said:


> Plants need sunlight.


And whether we admit it or not, we all seek that brightness! It might not be an active seeking, but in our mind we hope to find that ray of sunshine.  It's both needed and wanted!


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

So I found the answer on FB. I don't know if it is the true answer though.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Exactly. 

I always rolled my eyes at this one girl at work who kept going back into an abusive situation over and over... When I asked her WHY she said she NEEDED a man.... No matter what... And there was no convincing her otherwise.....


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## Jim-mi (May 15, 2002)

Thats the kind of attitude I would really want to avoid .........


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

NickieL said:


> Exactly.
> 
> I always rolled my eyes at this one girl at work who kept going back into an abusive situation over and over... When I asked her WHY she said she NEEDED a man.... No matter what... And there was no convincing her otherwise.....


Why would you try to convince someone otherwise? You can't know the situation unless you're involved in it. 

Maybe it's not right, or maybe she is committed to seeing it get better. Who Knows?.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

littlejoe said:


> Why would you try to convince someone otherwise? You can't know the situation unless you're involved in it.
> 
> Maybe it's not right, or maybe she is committed to seeing it get better. Who Knows?.



She comes to work with black eyes and asks me for advise. I give it. I've known her for a good 10 years. And it's always the same. She kicks him out, takes him back. Every time she asks me for help.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

Nickie, I had a friend that would do that. After about a 1/2 dozen times of her going back and then asking my advice, I finally told her the last time, that if she went back I didn't want to hear anymore about it and she deserved what she got. She didn't go back to him.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

The cycle of abuse is so complicated....


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## catspjamas (Jul 14, 2013)

Unless you've been in an abusive relationship, you shouldn't judge. I know it's hard to understand why a woman would keep going back to an abuser. One reason is because she was abused as a child led to believe she was worthless and no one would ever love her. Abuse is normal for her, whether physical or verbal. She believes she doesn't deserve any better. And if the man tells her he loves her, something she didn't hear as a child, well, any love is better than no love.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

If a woman were to say she doesn't need me i would not be in that relationship. Because she said it to start with. It's a start to manipulative vocalizations leading to a barrier laden relationship. 

Need can be a million things, companionship, intimacy, security, labor, mental wellness. Take your pick we all need people everyday. Nothing we do is accomplished totally ourselves. Absolutely nothing.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

tambo said:


> Do you want to be needed in a relationship?
> 
> Do you want to be wanted in a relationship?
> 
> ...


If we have serious chemistry and you said that we would be having a long discussion about exactly what you meant and how you view yourself and you position in this universe. Not that your view point is necessarily wrong. But the "i don't need you" phrase is in my opinion a false and inflated sense of self value. 

If after we talked and you clarified your statement by understanding my viewpoint and not necessarily adapting it as your own but understanding it, i may not be offended. 

But off the cuff without clarification, your statement would denote you 
as attempting to draw a line in the sand. We can't pull the cart together effectively if we are concerned about stepping on lines all the time. 

Does that make sense? And I'm with Vicker, he put it as good as i have ever hear it put!!


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## davel745 (Feb 2, 2009)

It is to confusing for me.
I would like to meet someone with whom I can get along with and share life with.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> The cycle of abuse is so complicated....


Yes, it is.




catspjamas said:


> Unless you've been in an abusive relationship, you shouldn't judge. I know it's hard to understand why a woman would keep going back to an abuser. One reason is because she was abused as a child led to believe she was worthless and no one would ever love her. Abuse is normal for her, whether physical or verbal. She believes she doesn't deserve any better. And if the man tells her he loves her, something she didn't hear as a child, well, any love is better than no love.


Having lived with a mentally abusive, mind game playing, manipulative partner, I feel that I can put my 2 cents in.


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## catspjamas (Jul 14, 2013)

Terri in WV said:


> Yes, it is.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I didn't say you couldn't put your 2 cents in, I said don't judge her. If you came from a loving, stable home, without abuse, and then are in a relationship with an abusive partner, it's different than if you grew up with abuse.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

tambo said:


> Raeven I always appreciate your take on things. You are a very wise woman.


LOL, gosh, one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me, and it just about got right past me! Thank you, tambo. 

I'm no more wise than anyone else in matters of the heart. I make many mistakes and will continue to do so, guaranteed. But I have been fortunate to enjoy one extremely successful relationship, and I believe his and my approach to it had so much to do with its success. Put it this way: It's the best road map I've got.

I guess a lot of this discussion hinges on one's definition of "need." E.g., DIM and I differ a lot in this, I believe. To me, a need is just that: Things like air, water, food, shelter. Without them, I will die. All else falls within the definition of "want," in my opinion. They may be very dire wants, but I can survive without them. Perhaps not well, perhaps not without extreme discomfort -- but I will manage. DIM spoke about companionship, intimacy, etc., as needs -- and while I agree they are very, very important, desirable things, they do not fall within my definition of needs. So maybe that clarifies a bit.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

catspj's, the lady I referenced earlier, I have known since childhood. I didn't judge her, nor do I judge anyone in that situation. I have helped other women in those situations also. Rather it be to help ease their life with them, or support them when they're ready to leave.

Having said that, when someone comes and solicits my opinion, I will give it. When they come to me for the umpteenth time with the same complaints, I lose sympathy. There are too many choices and avenues at their disposal to continue the cycle. What I said to her gave her the kick in the butt that she needed to stop going back.

And FWIW, men are also abused. I have had a good friend seek shelter in my home to get away from his abusive wife.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Exactly Terri.


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## catspjamas (Jul 14, 2013)

Terri in WV said:


> catspj's, the lady I referenced earlier, I have known since childhood. I didn't judge her, nor do I judge anyone in that situation. I have helped other women in those situations also. Rather it be to help ease their life with them, or support them when they're ready to leave.
> 
> Having said that, when someone comes and solicits my opinion, I will give it. When they come to me for the umpteenth time with the same complaints, I lose sympathy. There are too many choices and avenues at their disposal to continue the cycle. What I said to her gave her the kick in the butt that she needed to stop going back.
> 
> And FWIW, men are also abused. I have had a good friend seek shelter in my home to get away from his abusive wife.


For clarification, my first post was not directed at you in particular. I was just saying don't judge someone in an abusive relationship, because one doesn't know their background. Maybe what you said to that particular person is what SHE needed, but each person's situation is unique to themselves. What works for one, doesn't work for all. And knowing someone from childhood doesn't mean you know what their home life was like. And in my opinion, telling someone they deserve what they get, is on the judgmental side.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

catspjamas said:


> And in my opinion, telling someone they deserve what they get, is on the judgmental side.


See, this is where we differ. I don't see it as judgmental. If someone knows the outcome of repeated behavior and they continue to go back to that behavior, that is saying that they are accepting said behavior and deserving of it. It doesn't just apply to DV, it runs across the board. I would say the same of someone that steals and continues to get caught and serve time. 

At some point one has to own their part in it.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

NEEDED V WANTED

I Need it, I need it, I want some more of it LOL


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