# Can we break down "dating"?



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Observation: Men seem 'ready' sooner than women.
Is this an 'unfair' blanket statement? Or are men wired that way?

Last time I 'dated' (all 4-5 of them) 2 people met / ran into each other, etc. face to face. 
Boy asked girl if she would like to grab a bite-see a movie-go to a race, etc.
Girl accepted or declined.
Both went to the event and talked about anything and everything.
End of 'date' determined if a 2nd date was going to occur.

Back then, being young and all, you met people thru peer groups, at family functions (where someone brings a friend) weddings, and other social events. 

Now come the questions:

What does dating look like for the over 40's who are divorced (some widowed)?
Where do these folks 'meet' other folks?
Is online dating the 'new way'?
Is dating ackward for folks over 40? 
What does dating look like?


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## TxGypsy (Nov 23, 2006)

I'm 43 and divorced. Looking around at what's available....generally if someone is available at this age...there's a reason. It is amazing how quickly men are snapped up if they have good potential as a mate. The women may not end up keeping them long term, but I'm amazed at how quickly they move in. It is not unusual to hear of men having a girlfriend before the divorce is final due to the mandatory waiting period here.

Pretty much have to meet folks online as I don't get out from behind my gate very often.

YES! It is horribly awkward! 

My very few dates have generally involved a meal at a restaurant. 

My summary: :Bawling:


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

IMO, you ladies are over-thinking this. (Of course, I'm as old as dirt so I may be out of the times.). My philosphy is you meet a potential friend, you spend a bit of time with that person and then maybe attraction happens. Or, it doesn't happen. Then you still have a friend who you can be buddies with and that person may have a brother/sister/cousin. Repeat!

Just go out there and do it. No, not the "it" unless you wanna! :teehee:


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## sherry in Maine (Nov 22, 2007)

unless you go to church or somewhere regularly, I dont know.

I was widowed, with 2 teens, one special needs. I didn't go bar hopping (and, really, that is not generally where to meet someone for a long term relationship) I didn't go anywhere except to school for 2 nights a week (youngest had a melt down every time I walked out the door, boy was it hard) and that is where all the younger folks are.

I went online, (pof and harmony) felt humiliated, p/o'd , and flummoxed. Met some wierd, some strange, some angry and some nice folks. Some had old agendas, weren't yet past them. I met someone I ended up seeing regularly. Nice man. 

Dating is hard when you've been away from the scene for a length of time.
I got lucky with that one man; he is nice. We've had some stuff to work out, but it doesn't have anything to do with dating.


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## sherry in Maine (Nov 22, 2007)

Btw, when I met the guy, I immediately didn't think there'd be a 2nd date.
He reminded me of a leprachaun with a sugar high. He told me later that he was very nervous, and also that he had add o( ) and that's what it was about.....

Around that time, my mom, in her early 80s, said to me 'I hope you find your white knight and get to ride away on a leprachaun'.......of course, she meant unicorn, but I thought to myself, 'mom, you dont know the half of it'......cause by then I had ridden the leprechaun.......after a couple of months of getting to know him first....


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Sherry, you mention bar-hopping! 

When I was single, I didn't go to bars to meet just men! I went to get to know both genders, married, single, and couples. In the process, I met some life long friends and in that process, I was introduced to a lot of potential dates.

Of course, I am a very outgoing person. (DH says I never met a stranger.) That may have been a factor. I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself either & LOL at myself a lot.

I repeat....don't over think it...just do it!


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

Maybe I'm weird but the women always seemed more ready than I was. It sounds cliche, but I'd rather spend the time learning about the other person. It seems like once things get horizontal, the thoughtful conversation goes out the door. I'm talking about later not during.

I don't see dating as awkward. The online stuff is a PITA. Lots of mixed signals. I've never had a thing for picking up women just to do it. I talk to people in lots of places. Getting a conversation going isn't a big deal. I get more fun out of the casual conversations than I would if I used it as preamble to asking women out.

FWIW, I don't hang out in the vegetable aisle in the grocery store.


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## AZHomesteader (Sep 20, 2012)

I had to accept the fact that my wife ran off with another man, i went ahead and filed for divorce, After thinking about things i decided why should i be unhappy, after all i gave her the best i had and she didn't want it. I was loyal and faithful to her for 20 years, i am now 54 and i do enjoy the company of a woman. I don't bar hop and i figure i will meet some one that wants me for me and shares in the same goals and interest in homesteading and farming, I am not looking at date sites and such, there seems to be alot of single women out there in my local area. Local events and church seem to be what i will be looking at to meet someone, I'm in no hurry and want to make sure it is what we would both want. This is new to me and it is a little scary but exciting at the same time if that makes sense.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

my wife is mental/physically ill-life has not been kind to her,i;ll swear to god-females,lets say 30-60 can and have picked up on this and offered all sorts of propositions.i'm still MARRIED dammit.and NO I don't want to raise your children! or grands or u for that matter.:hair


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

No point in being cynical. My wife knew that I was no good alone and, loving and practical woman that she was, left me with pretty clear instructions. I looked all over, had my heart broken again, picked myself up and worked at it once more. Once I decided that it was "widows only" for me it took only a short time to find what I needed.

That "widows only" bit came from a book written by some psychologist whose name I cannot recall. The gist of his advice was that widows/widowers from happy marriages liked being married and were used to the fact that when two people live together some adjustments must be made.

So, I hit some dating sites and found that POF, the free site, was about as good as any. Some disasters waiting to happen, some really nice gals, and some widows. Two in particular stood out---one was just too far away with, property, children, kin and work, baggage we could not handle.

The other was close, highly desirable, no unwieldy baggage and willing to go thru hell and high water if that was what was needed to make this thing work. So here we are, coasting along toward the sunset.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Of Course, I don't have any idea what im venturing here, but, I think the actual date would go fine if/when I got past the first bumping into and asking somebody out.


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## hawgsquatch (May 11, 2014)

I am the cynical one on here I guess. I started dating right off the bat after being dumped and I was doing it for all of the wrong reasons. I was looking to one up her and revenge and also to experience the dating life I never had as a kid because we married so young.

Online didn't work for me because I cannot put out that much personal info on the internet. I cannot tell you how many times I got the old....You seem like a really nice guy, but you arrested my Dad, Mom, Sister, Husband etc....I live in a small town.

I look really young compared to my age, so When I get approached it is awkward to explain that the reason they recognize me is because they were a student in one of my classes or I gave a presentation at the high school....when they were in it.

I won't date at work because in my high stress job I believe the women should be allowed to simply make a living and go home without dodging men as well.

I try to stay away from asking women at church out because of the same thing, church is for a relationship with God, not one with me.....

I have thought of joining the Elks or Moose or something because of the social climate, any thoughts on this?

As long as I am ranting there is one other thing...I work 65-80 hrs a week making a living. I am not poor but I still cannot compete with the guy who waters his plant twice a day and has 250 grand a year disposable income from it. I know I should not care as the women who date these turds are not what I am after, but I am kind of tired of competing against a guy who can whisk them of to Costa Rica for the weekend whenever he wants because his job is growing poison for children.


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Dating is dating regardless of your age, You take part in a social group of some form, eventually find yourself reviewing a potential date, next deciding if you are going on a date and after that date if you are interested in another date and the person you dated does the same and you keep doing it progresses in a positive aspect suitable to the two dating.

If the dates don't continue with the same parties involved, generally folks regardless if they are 18 or 80 and want to date, take a breather, regroup and go on a first date with someone else.


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## sherry in Maine (Nov 22, 2007)

Ox, I have read the same thing about widows/widowers. I also know a couple of marriages that both were widowed, and met a person who also had been widowed, and have very sweet, mutually agreeable relationships.
My friend, the man I spoke (wrote) of is also a widow (his wife from cancer also). That does immediately give you something that you understand about the other.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

How does a female know when a male is interested?

How does a male know when a female is interested?


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## Trainwrek (Aug 23, 2014)

Most romantic interests over 40 meet at work, but of course it could happen anywhere. In my experience, the movie scenes where a man meets a woman at a grocery store and takes her out on a date is pretty unrealistic ( at least for me but Im no Brad Pitt ). Most women go out with men that they already know on some level and feel comfortable with.



> *How does a female know when a male is interested?
> 
> How does a male know when a female is interested?*


As a male, I can only speak from my point of view but you know when a woman is interested usually by the way they pay attention to you. They are always available for conversation, they make eye contact, they generally make themselves available.

*I used to suggest we do something together, not necessarily as a date* ( I never formally would ask a woman out on an official "date" ). Usually you find some mutual interest and suggest you do it together. With my wife, I knew she was interested in rabbits and I said some lady in town is selling a buck, would you want to take a quick ride into town later to check him out for me?

You know, you have to sort of make it easy and casual without putting the pressure on as it being a "date". Deep down she knows that the guy who always chats her up at work is now asking to spend time with her outside of work. If she says 'yes' it is a subtle signal to me that she is interested but she hasn't committed to anything romantic.

I think the basics are still exactly the same as they always were but its got to be more subtle and casual. Men do not knock on the door and ask permission to court you anymore.


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## TxGypsy (Nov 23, 2006)

hawgsquatch said:


> As long as I am ranting there is one other thing...I work 65-80 hrs a week making a living. I am not poor but I still cannot compete with the guy who waters his plant twice a day and has 250 grand a year disposable income from it. I know I should not care as the women who date these turds are not what I am after, but I am kind of tired of competing against a guy who can whisk them of to Costa Rica for the weekend whenever he wants because his job is growing poison for children.


Wow...sounds like maybe you are going after much younger women or arm candy? Most normal women that I know aren't expecting lavish dates. Perhaps you are attracted to the wrong type of woman? I'm busy re-evaluating that exact thing where men are concerned. 



Laura Zone 5 said:


> How does a female know when a male is interested?
> 
> How does a male know when a female is interested?


Apparently I don't have a clue. With the ex-boyfriend I was on the 2nd date before I realized it was a date


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Trainwrek said:


> Most romantic interests over 40 meet at work, but of course it could happen anywhere. In my experience, the movie scenes where a man meets a woman at a grocery store and takes her out on a date is pretty unrealistic ( at least for me but Im no Brad Pitt ). Most women go out with men that they already know on some level and feel comfortable with.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


^^^^This! Forget the word DATE and go casual and have fun!


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## Guest (Sep 15, 2014)

Oxankle said:


> No point in being cynical.----------------
> 
> ..... widows/widowers from happy marriages liked being married and were used to the fact that* when two people live together some adjustments must be made.
> *
> ........................willing to go thru hell and high water if that was *what was needed to make this thing work*. So here we are, coasting along toward the sunset.


And there you have it all. 

I've seen, over and over, here, POF, and other singles forums "I want this", "me, me, me", "it's all about me"
The "list" of demands, what I want, what I'll not accept. Folks need to realize that the other potential partner has an ego too, and he or she probably thinks it's all about them. So, you have 2 people, both smug in their belief that the list of demands will protect them from getting in the wrong relationship. And they drift through months, years, and decades of looking for the "perfect love" and, of course, never find it. 

If 2 people say, "Hey, we're really a good match" maybe both could give a little, and take a little. For instance, a man living alone may sit around in his underwear watching the news and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And a woman alone may (Put in the female equivalent of what the man is doing, I don't have a clue what that would be). So, instead of each doing their own thing, they could sit around clothed, but with socks and shoes off, eating sliced roast beef sandwiches. Or something. A compromise. Conversely, if it's a really big deal, the man could do his thing in a separate room. Eating sandwiches in his underwear while the woman is in another room knitting those weird big hats guys with giant dreadlocks wear. Or whatever. Anyway, they can compromise, or if not, agree that each one has the right to do his or her own thing and work out scheduling.

Of all the profiles I've ever seen in singles sites or forums, I don't think I've ever seen one that said "I won't try to remake you, I will try to get along" 
If you are absolutely set on a certain height, weight, hair color, mannerisms, income, and so on, you need to figure out exactly what makes you feel that way. There's something stuck inside your head that won't let you get past that. On the other hand, if you wake up clear headed, knowing what you really want in life, you have a way clear. You either are looking for someone you made up in your mind that don't actually exist but you hope he might....or you're looking for someone who, like you, has gotten past their giant ego and no longer thinks his or her fantasy (of what a mate should be like) is more important than the other guys. You know, if you quit thinking "it's all about me" relax, and be yourself, you might find that you really are the most important person in the world.... to another person instead of just in your imagination. And, you'll discover that she, or he, really is the perfect love.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

I disagree. I would much rather actually be asked out on a date than just a "hang out". Unfortunately, that seems to be the trend today. Everything is so casual and non committal, I have a hard time relating. I figure a man oughta be able to have the gumption to ask me out on a date. Hanging out is for kids. 




Mean people suck.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Zong hit on a good point and that is "remaking someone". Forget it as it ain'ta gonna happen! 

I saw that in a young couple I know. She wanted a DH like her father and step-father and she tried to make her ex change. They were both miserable. Now, she is with a man who is a great deal like those men who modeled her childhood. The ex is with a woman who is perfect for him as she accepted his bumps and wrinkles and he accepts hers.

As for casual hanging around together versus DATING, I am remined of DH and I. Our first "date" included my girlfriend because he wanted to ask me to go to a movie. She was sitting with us and he didn't want to hurt her feelings so he invited both of us!


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## Guest (Sep 15, 2014)

I just remarried a few years ago, after being mostly-single for 12 years. Over that period, I found a few things that worked and didn't work for the journey I was taking. 

1. Stop looking for a mate. You're not shopping for a vehicle.

2. Do things you enjoy, if you are doing something you enjoy and run into someone interesting - you instantly have something in common to discuss/share. This leads to easy conversations.

3. Spend the "free time" that you'd planned of mate-hunting, to better yourself instead. Take a class, read a book, do something fun (see above point)

4. Enjoy the circle of friends that you already HAVE, as those folks have already passed your morals and ethics screening - and their friends may be a close match to what you would enjoy meeting. (See #2 again)

4. When you meet someone, spend a few encounters just getting to know them and their conversational level. Communication compatibility is never over-valued. 

5. If someone you have met a few times seems to be the calibre of person you might enjoy, even IF there seems to be no Sparkle and Tingly feelings - ESPECIALLY if there is no magic - then ask them out on a DATE. Something about the word date seems to change the setting to where Sparklies become more visible! LOL!

6. There is no such thing as a bad date. You are out, and doing something you enjoy. It won't be "bad" unless your attitude needs a bit more adjusting. Go. Have fun!

And lastly, just because you don't have Sparklies does not mean that you haven't found a great friend... Be kind, friendly, up-front and considerate.
(Two of my best friends, who hang out with me and the New Dear Hubby, are guys I dated and found no Sparklies. But we had enough in common to end up great and supportive friends.)


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

TraciInTexas said:


> I just remarried a few years ago, after being mostly-single for 12 years. Over that period, I found a few things that worked and didn't work for the journey I was taking.
> 
> 1. Stop looking for a mate. You're not shopping for a vehicle.
> 
> ...


^^^ Very wise words!


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

rkintn said:


> I disagree. I would much rather actually be asked out on a date than just a "hang out". Unfortunately, that seems to be the trend today. Everything is so casual and non committal, I have a hard time relating. I figure a man oughta be able to have the gumption to ask me out on a date. Hanging out is for kids.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



^^Yes, That right there^^..... If I'm interested in a woman make no mistake she will know. I like the whole event of courting, it allows me to be creative, show respect, and at the proper time later on be romantic. I also get to find out what motivates her, and every women enjoys being the center of her guys attention as well. Even with meager means and a homesteading type of lifestyle its very easy to do the special little things that says, "I think your special", or "I was thinking of you/us all day today". Bottom line is, everyone likes to know they matter, and its pretty easy to let them know they do if you truly feel that way.


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

My wife left me early in the year and after a bit I put a profile on match dot com. It was a pathetic attempt to see if anyone could like me again... had pretty low self-esteem at that point. I left the profile there for around two weeks... figured out that most on that site have nothing in common with me and there are precious few good Christians, so I went to cancel the account. When I did so, it popped up a window with an "are you sure" sort of message and it greyed out the rest of the screen. Underneath the grey was my inbox... and there was a message from a profile named "Prov31XXXXX" where XXXX is the name of a town one hour from me. Proverbs 31 verses 10 through chapter end are the hallmarks of a virtuous wife... I was interested enough to keep the account and click. I met a woman who could soon be my wife as a result. The account has now been deleted.

R


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## Tobster (Feb 24, 2009)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> How does a female know when a male is interested?
> 
> How does a male know when a female is interested?



I donât believe there are meaningful answers for your questions since individuals vary widely in personality, behavior and intellect. Two questions I believe relevant are, how do YOU know if you are interested in someone and why do YOU trust your intuition about the potential for happiness with the person who has sparked your fancy?

If someone spends time reflecting on their life and gaining an understanding of who they are, while being honest about what makes you happy (not to confuse happiness with pleasure), odds are you will good make choices about dating, whether it leads to a long term relationship or not, it will be time well spent.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Tobster said:


> I donât believe there are meaningful answers for your questions since individuals vary widely in personality, behavior and intellect. Two questions I believe relevant are, how do YOU know if you are interested in someone and why do YOU trust your intuition about the potential for happiness with the person who has sparked your fancy?


I am not 'in that place' yet....so there is no one I am 'interested' in..
I work in a family restaurant as a bartender, and based upon conversations that I hear, over hear, and have directly with the guests: Men my age are not interested in women their age; they are very preoccupied with the 26 year old gold diggers with daddy issues (ha ha. but really true). 
I have never over heard a conversation where a man says "wow Frank, I am looking for a solid woman who wants to settle down and live out a simple life, someone who is loyal, trustworthy, and hard working".

My 'intuition' tells me it's S-L-I-M pickin's out there.......or what "interests" me is hanging out somewhere else?

I was just looking for a 'general' how do folks over 40 show 'interest' and how would one know?



> If someone spends time reflecting on their life and gaining an understanding of who they are, while being honest about what makes you happy (not to confuse happiness with pleasure), odds are you will good make choices about dating, whether it leads to a long term relationship or not, it will be time well spent.


Once you have a handle on the "who am I why I am" question, and you have a firm grip on what brings you joy and contentment: THEN what?


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> How does a female know when a male is interested?
> 
> How does a male know when a female is interested?


* Sometimes,if I don't know, I just have to come right out and ask? It can be awkward, especially if You do not get the answer You expect. Sometimes , it goes without saying-You just 'know'.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

If they smile at you, are polite to, engage in conversation with you, and seem interested in whatever silly man conversation you are having they are sending you the sign or they are a good waitress! LOLOL 

Uninterested women are just that, uninterested in anything you have to say or do. You wont change their minds. Having said all that, there are the proverbial flirts, but they are nearly immediately identified.


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

*"Once you have a handle on the "who am I why I am" question, and you have a firm grip on what brings you joy and contentment: THEN what?"*

Then you just _know_. It's not rocket science. Not science at all. It can't be quantified, or made into a set of 'one size fits all' instructions. I reckon it's more like an art than science. One settles on a set of general guidelines that they can agree with, then fine tunes them in the areas that need customizing to their own world. But, IMO, you would more'n'likely be destined to fail if you didn't first follow the old adage, "To thine own self be true." ("who am I why I am") However, that sage advice was never meant to be interpreted as _'it's all about me'_. And that short sighted interpretation is probably what is causing you to see the age choices of the men in your example.

Personally, I believe the instances of two people who are of widely disparate ages, say 25 years for example (but that's one of those subjective things), maintaining a long term romantic relationship are so rare that it's not worth hanging my hat on. There is common ground that has to be shared between a couple. And, again personally, I just don't believe that I would find that with a woman young enough to be my daughter.


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## Ramblin Wreck (Jun 10, 2005)

Yeah, I don't think there is a one size fits all for figuring it all out. But Sheldon tried on the Big Bang Theory (sorry for the ad but you can skip it after a few seconds):

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0xgjUhEG3U[/ame]


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

I gave up on dating, men seem to be disrepectful and want to get to the goods first.

They act like they have common interest, they reel me in, then I get the FWB question. I've given up on love, cause loves given up on me....LOL!!!

[youtube]rB7ONnfIjaI[/youtube]


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

Fowler said:


> I gave up on dating, men seem to be disrepectful and want to get to the goods first.
> 
> They act like they have common interest, they reel me in, then I get the FWB question. I've given up on love, cause loves given up on me....LOL!!!
> 
> [youtube]rB7ONnfIjaI[/youtube]


* I like Your song. All Men are not the same, There are Men with good intentions.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

They must all live up north. :happy2:


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## Cornhusker (Mar 20, 2003)

Fowler said:


> I gave up on dating, men seem to be disrepectful and want to get to the goods first.
> 
> They act like they have common interest, they reel me in, then I get the FWB question. I've given up on love, cause loves given up on me....LOL!!!


FWB Question??


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Cornhusker said:


> FWB Question??


 
hahhaha....are you asking?.....LOL!!!


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

I like the idea of going with the flow. There is someone out there for everyone. Possibly many. As time passes and if you're out there doing what ever you normally do, that person will show up. Neither of you may recognize it at first. Life has a way of fooling us at times. 

Traci posted excellent advice. Not all men are looking for a quick roll in the hay. Early sex in a relationship can complicate things and cloud your judgement.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

All men are after the goodies?? Goodie 2 boobs?


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## robsdak (Feb 2, 2014)

Twp.Tom said:


> All Men are not the same, There are Men with good intentions.


i tend to agree, you just have too look around.


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## NoClue (Jan 22, 2007)

> What does dating look like for the over 40's who are divorced (some widowed)?
> Where do these folks 'meet' other folks?
> Is online dating the 'new way'?
> Is dating ackward for folks over 40?
> What does dating look like?


1. Living in a small town makes dating difficult. There just aren't many singles available, and from the raw numbers of who's available, there's still attraction to take into consideration.
2. My own experience: Church, mutual friends, bars and restaurants
3. Online dating has been a complete bust for me, but I'm working under some special conditions.
4. It is sometimes awkward, but it's always been somewhat awkward, for me at least.
5. Dating is pretty much what it's always been, except there's a tendency to cut through the formalities. By "our" age, we have a pretty good idea or what we want and don't want; what we can deal with and what we can't.


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> ...I work in a family restaurant as a bartender, and based upon conversations that I hear, over hear, and have directly with the guests: Men my age are not interested in women their age; they are very preoccupied with the 26 year old gold diggers with daddy issues (ha ha. but really true).
> I have never over heard a conversation where a man says "wow Frank, I am looking for a solid woman who wants to settle down and live out a simple life, someone who is loyal, trustworthy, and hard working".
> 
> My 'intuition' tells me it's S-L-I-M pickin's out there*.......or what "interests" me is hanging out somewhere else?*


 I think the last part is the money quote. Bars aren't where I'd expect to find the sort of women that would be interesting to me, and bars aren't interesting to me personally, so I avoid them.

I see younger women and while they may be attractive, but aren't what I'd choose first for a serious relationship. It works for some people, but isn't what I'd expect to work in general. Besides, I really like hair going gray, and other aspects of women my age.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

Malamute said:


> I think the last part is the money quote. Bars aren't where I'd expect to find the sort of women that would be interesting to me, and bars aren't interesting to me personally, so I avoid them.
> 
> I see younger women and while they may be attractive, but aren't what I'd choose first for a serious relationship. It works for some people, but isn't what I'd expect to work in general. Besides, I really like hair going gray, and other aspects of women my age.


I cut mine short and quit coloring it. The going gray was a bit of a shock lol


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

New question.

married 25
divorced for 8 months
moving out of state in 5 months.

I don't know if the back round info is needed; but for those who were in a long marriage; how long was it before you started dating?

What was it you were looking for when you started dating?

How did you know you were ready?


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

I don't think there is a formula that guarantees success. 

Probably some things generally work better than others. For instance, I wouldn't recommend taking the "prisoner penpal" route. ound:

But, barring that ... Numb and I were totally platonic friends for, like, 5 years, and one day, we simply decided we were gonna become lovers and spend the rest of our lives together! And here we are, 3 years later, crazy in love and happier than ever.

He claims we actually dated for 5 years; we just didn't know we were dating -- we thought we were just helping each other with farm chores. 

Sometimes love sneaks right up on you and knocks you upside the head.


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## Guest (Mar 8, 2015)

Just realized this was an old post, resurrected...


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## unregistered168043 (Sep 9, 2011)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Now come the questions:
> 
> What does dating look like for the over 40's who are divorced (some widowed)?
> Where do these folks 'meet' other folks?
> ...



1. What does dating look like for over 40's; I think it looks much the way it always did. You go out, you talk, etc. I suppose these days there's a lot of "texting" and "facebooking", "instagramming" and what ever else people are doing with technology. I dont do any of that and it never seemed to matter.

2. They meet mostly at work.

3. Online dating is horrible, its a horrible idea and a waste of time.
4. Dating is generally less awkward for the 40+ crowd, because both parties are somewhat more mature ( although that is not always the case )
5. See #1


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

The worse problem folks have with using online resources as a dating environment is considering it as dating.

Online social contact is today and always been nothing more than a third party introduction to potential dating occurrences.

Just as any bind date setup, online introductions provide information for parties to form their initial decision if they want to go on a blind date or not.

Realistically online introductions are no more safe or dangerous than blind date introductions by a friend or a friend of a friend.

All dating exists and occurs in the real world , not online.

Of course bad dates that started on or get discussed online spread at stellar speed but in reality once the stellar speed gossip is stripped away any date is simply two real people interacting in real time in real life.

After my divorceI noticed so many online "dating sites" that allowed women to post for free, charged subscription for men to post profiles yet most all allowed viewing of content before the visitor chose to post or subscribe to post a profile.

After concluding that it really made no sense to me why women got to post free and men had to pay, I decided to make use of the online dating sites to assist me in deciding on which dating grounds would benefit me the most in meeting dates without having to subscribe to the sites.

I viewed dating profiles filtered with a variety of preferences in the geographic areas I was willing to go dating in.

In scanning the profiles of the areas I was willing to venture to I found the background of the posted social pictures of more value than the woman the picture was taken of.

The second or third week of scanning dating sites for festivity shot pictures and posted environmental details I had identified three clubs and a dinner and movie theater in areas I was comfortable visiting and within my dating budget at the time.

During the next year I went to the clubs I had screened online and just started sitting the bar and initially socializing with the club staff but eventually getting to know others at the watering holes looking to date also.

I never participated on or paid a subscription for an online dating service but using them as a surface reference I found four environments in which I could socialize and cultivate dates for about seven years until I rediscovered the life I wanted.

Some dates were nice enough for repeated dates, some were only one date and a couple weren't even one date as I quickly decided minutes into the date that I had approached a woman too far out to appeal to me and started working on my exit strategy and decided which of my other watering holes I would spend my next date night at.

Some of the women I dated may have posted profiles on the dating sites I reviewed for location and type of atmosphere rather than individuals but I never knew as I never asked them if they had posted on such sites. I just figured that we first met when one of had first said hello to the other.

We were just dates that met in a real life social environment and then continued on as all real life folks on a date one date night at a time


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## RichNC (Aug 22, 2014)

Laura, why don't you just focus on you and not worry about dating for a good while, get you in a good place, learn to be happy with yourself.


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## Marshloft (Mar 24, 2008)

Shrek,, that was pretty well thought out.
You should be a dating counselor for old folks.
Altho I think some of us have just given up. I'm too old to be retrained.
For myself anyway, my life is much easier that way, and I've accumulated
more friends by no longer looking anymore.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

rkintn said:


> I cut mine short and quit coloring it. The going gray was a bit of a shock lol


I started getting lots of gray at 30. When I get out of the shower now, and in front of the mirror to do maintenance work on my face....I think it doesn't look to gray except for the sides below my hat. 'Course the lighting in my bathroom isn't the best. (THink I'll keep it that way!) 

When I get somewhere that has good lighting, and I have my lid off...I say...Holy Cow!

Last time I went to the barber shop, I was joking with the gal, and asked if she could just take the gray out. She replied "Yeah, if we shave most of your head!" lol!
..............

In response to the thread title. Dating isn't hard, nor is meeting people, and you are in a perfect position to do so! All you have to do is talk to them.

Some have said bars are poor places to meet people. I guess if some want to be judgmental, they can. There are really good people that go to bars as well! That's like saying only good people are met in church's. For sure, there are some great people in churches! There are also some coyotes! And I like going to church, too!!!

Christ didn't invent the church as we see it today, nor the sects. IMO, the church should be within you.

Dating is within all of us as well, and it shouldn't be a struggle. All you have to do is be honest! Although some aren't!

Secondly...learn to love yourself, first!!!!!!! I really felt the need to be loved after my divorce. What I had based my existence on, had just pulled the stakes and left me? Kind of a huge hollow feeling, it was!

Immediately had a gorgeous lady that was 20 years plus my junior and she was married, contacting me. I'd known her for a long time, but Geesh, I wanted to know I was lovable! Unnecessary to say, it didn't end well. I had my boys, but I was still a mess!!!

I didn't date for years afterwards...till I finally realized how to love myself first, again. you have to love yourself first, before you can truly give anything of yourself. It took me quite some time or maybe a bit more?

I dated vey few, cuz very few interested me, but I knew I wasn't ready for anything long-term during that time. 

Now that I'm happy with myself and by myself, there is definitely no shortage of dates, (I'm involved with someone now) or possible dates, even in small town America! Although it's slim pickings for those I would want to learn more of. But, that's up to my own discerning, as it is to each of us.


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## anahatalotus (Oct 25, 2012)

First off I can't believe I'm posting on this thread since I know next to nothing about dating. I'm in my thirties and have only had three boyfriends. I guess I have a grasp othe relationship part of things but it's finding the relationship that has me stumped. Like I spent all that time not learning how to flirt and go on dates, lol.
I've been single for over a year and finally got that butterfly in the stomach feeling when I met someone. Just in passing, I went to the shop they work in to get a mitt for my kid, then made up an excuse to go back and browse. Then go back and exchange it for a color she wanted. Now I'm thinking I need to get her matching cleats... But I'm such a dork I can't just bring myself to tell the guy! I'm also very introverted so I don't really have friends that I hang out with, aside from other single moms going out and doing kid stuff. So I would feel really weird if I just asked a guy to hang out. 
Chances are I will just keep being shy. I guess I'm just a tad old fashioned and think if a guy senses any spark they should take the lead and say something about it. I get hit on and asked out or for my number a couple of times a month by guys that I don't want anything to do with. But dang why can't the guy that gives me butterflies when we talk just add those few extra words...and why am I so mortified of asking for someone's number? Or is it more ladylike to ask if they would like my number, if I can get the guts to ask...


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

You might take a calling card size card, and write on it, (Call me sometime if interested). It he does, he does. If he don't, what have you lost. Just put it on the counter when ready to leave.

UNLESS your afraid that he wont, and you still want to keep mooning after him with nothing happening.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

OR you could write, (Call me if you can think of a reason not to call me), and leave your Ph#


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

laura?if the dating world got any sadder-I would quit,but life sucks alone.i'm 58 now.dating sucks-I was married 35 yrs.i've tried pof-good god!set a age limit-49-62-simple? nope responses from 24-72.don't think i'll go back......


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## reneedarley (Jun 11, 2014)

At the risk of getting my head blown off (No, I know you are all very sweet in here)
let me venture into the dating jungle with my experience.
Now I am really green as to dating. When my partnership ended about 10 years ago I decided that I was too old for any romantic relationships - packed my bags and moved to a new country. I chose onÃ© of the most isolated areas I could find and dug myself comfortably in.
I have been getting along with life, carefully socializing and sitting on the fence. I joined Homesteadingtoday because I needed advice on some cows I had bought. Joined singletree because I thought the name was sweet. I post a bit but not in deep discussions.
I use my own name as I am pretty well known in sheep circles in Denmark and am used to being recognized so as I wasn't doing anything "private" it didn't matter .
I tell you, I didn't know what I was getting into. 
I have been stalked in the nicest, most gentlemanly possible way.:happy2: 
I admit I started it by sending a friendly P.M. but, reading all your threads about dating, I think Tom would have been thrown out of all online dating sights for breaking all the rules in the book :happy2:
So, In June I have a date with a very sweet man 8 years my junior who is travelling 4000 miles for the rendezvous. Maybe a crazy adventure we are getting into- but one thing, we are going to make the most of it. 
P.S. One really gets to know a person who gets up at three in the morning to say goodnight over Skype


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

yall will be like a pair of sparklers together !!!!!


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

RichNC said:


> Laura, why don't you just focus on you and not worry about dating for a good while, get you in a good place, learn to be happy with yourself.


Brilliant.
No, for real....I really think this is brilliant.


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

To answer Your dating questions Laura: If You enjoy the company of someone else?, now is the time*. Try not to put pressure on the situation, You'll know when You are ready. If after some time, You find someone that You are compatible with(You're interested in each other, and there is mutual attraction*) Go For It! Come right out and ask someone, if they capture Your interest.


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

reneedarley said:


> At the risk of getting my head blown off (No, I know you are all very sweet in here)
> let me venture into the dating jungle with my experience.
> Now I am really green as to dating. When my partnership ended about 10 years ago I decided that I was too old for any romantic relationships - packed my bags and moved to a new country. I chose onÃ© of the most isolated areas I could find and dug myself comfortably in.
> I have been getting along with life, carefully socializing and sitting on the fence. I joined Homesteadingtoday because I needed advice on some cows I had bought. Joined singletree because I thought the name was sweet. I post a bit but not in deep discussions.
> ...


 Dear Sweet Renee*, To say that I think You are special, would be a great understatement. The adventure that We will share this Summer, is going to be wilder, than We could ever have imagined* :kissy: And I am sure we'll make the most of it*


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I was at the sale Sat. Ended up setting on a bench. Slightly hoped some woman would sit so I could just chat with one. What happened, around 4 guys one after the other ended up taking a break on the bench with me. One even fell asleep. lol. Throughout the day I did talk with 3 women, but in each case, they had to mention about their husband sos id know that I could talk, but that was it.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Shrek said:


> ....
> 
> 
> In scanning the profiles of the areas I was willing to venture to I found the background of the posted social pictures of more value than the woman the picture was taken of.
> ...


Shrek, some time if I am down your way, I'd like to buy you a cup of coffee or better yet, some biscuits & gravy. It would be an honor, and kinda feel like I was meeting Spock...which is not a bad thing. 

Mon (PS..your girlfriend is invited, also!)


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Not quite dateing, but info on how to get from where we are to dating

Catch his eye. (Course, this is fro women concerning getting dates with a guy)
One of the best ways to let someone know that your interested AND approachable is to make eye contact across the room. DONT stare, nobody likes a stalker, but let your look linger long enough to establish a clear connection.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Smile
no flirtation device is more powerful than a smile that is warm, inviting and ultimately irresistable.
Say hello.
Even a shy person can master this one. As you walk by, simply look at her and give her a warm smile, and say hello FOR THE BASHFUL GUYS.
Expect reality
Your flirting, not proposing marriage, so keep your expectations in line with the activity. Best case, youll meet someone interesting. Worst case, you wont, This time.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

DONT THINK TOO MUCH (MY PROBLEM ENTIRLY)
People get paralyzed by the uncertainty of approaching someone they've never met. THEY OBCESS ABOUT EVERYTHING FROM HOW THEY LOOK TO WHETHER THEY HAVE THE PERFECT OPENING LINE. sTOP LETTING YOUR BRAIN GET IN THE WAY, JUST DIVE IN. Sorry bout the caps.
Tease please
Gentle teasing is a great way to flirt with a member of either sex. Most guys like women who are sassy and aren't afraid to challenge them a little, and women often enjoy men who are willing to engage in some lite banter.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Reserve judgment
Lack of chemistry is one thing, but don't be too quick to reject someone on the basis of one minor misstep. your both nervous, so if he says something that seems less than perfect, give him the benefit of the doubt and keep talking.
Lean in
Use body language to show that your interested, open and ready for more. 
Bump elbows
A quick elbpw bump is a gesture that invites greater familiarity, a lingering bump suggests there is more touching ahead.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Flirt online
Texting, tweeting, e mail, instant messaging, Facebook, and other new technologies and social media have expanded flirting opportunities for everyone. And made it possible to flirt with people you may never actually meet. AND because nearly everyone has a smartphone? these days, you can flirt from anywhere 24/7.
Dance to the music
Show that you would welcome a dance partner by moving to the music on your own. Whether you join the crowd on the dance floor or stay where you are, just don't stand there. Enjoy the music and moving your body will invite someone to want to join you.
Laugh
IF your having fun, show it with an easy laugh. Laughter will make you appear friendly and confident which, in turn, will make you more attractive.
Look and look again
See someone interesting across the room? Catch their eye as you work the room, look away, then quickly look back. Theyll know they've caught their attention.
Have long hair?
Make it work for you. Flipping your hair or brushing it away from your face is flirting single fore both men and women.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Face forward
As you talk, and flirt, turn to face her directly. It shows that she has your undivided attention. Mine own( The optimin word here, is to FACE her directly)
Watch your mouth (don't drool) lol
IF shes looking into your eyes as you talk, then looks at your mouth for a few seconds before returning to your eyes, its a clear sign that kissing is a possibility.
Say something nice
Offering someone a compliment shows that you have taken the time to notice and appreciate something about them. Make sure its sincere and in good taste.
Show your neck
Gently tilting your head to expose your neck is a sign of vulnerability and sexual interest. But dont get carried away, Revealing too much of your neck could be taken as a sign that your into vampires,,


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Listen well
Nothing demonstrates your interest in a person more than gibing him or her 100% of your attention. So don't scan the rom, chick your phone, or let your mind wander when you should be listening.
Touch hands
In a flirting situation, a little skin on skin is near as intiment as a kiss. Touching hands may lead to holding hands. And, theres no telling where holding hands could lead.
Go on parade
When you spot someone that interests you, walk past slowly and hold his eyes as you stroll past. Do it again on the way back, and chances are you wont be traveling solo for long
Bump knees
IF your setting side by side, let your knee drift over to bump hers. Make it gentle enough to seem casue but firm enough that she knows that it wasn't an accident. IF she bumpsback, or dosent move her knee, your in luck.
Be playful
flirting should be fun, so loosen up and enjoy the moment.
Apply lipstick (for the women) lol
A womans mouth is incredibly sensual. Refreshyour lipstick slowly as a man looks on, and he wont be thinking of anything else.
Wink
It may seem a little bit old fashioned, but theres still NOTHING like a well timed wink to let someone know your interested in getting to know them better.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Raise your eyebrows
your eyes are expressive, so use their full power by letting your eyebrows do some of the talking
Look back
give him the movie star treatment by glancing back over your shoulder with your head tilted down and a sexey smile on your lips.

THATS ALL FOLKS.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Been reading "THOSE" books again, haven't you?

Mon


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

yeppers. Toned up my typing too lol


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## lazyBum (Feb 27, 2012)

I show women I like them by avoiding them. And when I do interact with them I turn red and sweat a lot. And instead of speaking understandable language I make weird stuttered grunting sounds. And if I really like them I forget what most words mean.


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## tamarackreg (Mar 13, 2006)

lazyBum said:


> I show women I like them by avoiding them. And when I do interact with them I turn red and sweat a lot. And instead of speaking understandable language I make weird stuttered grunting sounds. And if I really like them I forget what most words mean.


Same here!


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## anahatalotus (Oct 25, 2012)

lazyBum said:


> I show women I like them by avoiding them. And when I do interact with them I turn red and sweat a lot. And instead of speaking understandable language I make weird stuttered grunting sounds. And if I really like them I forget what most words mean.


Ha, this is totally me around Mr Butterflies. I will carry on a perfectally intelligent conversation with one person than turn around and seem to forget I grew u p speaking English turn beet red and say something way to squeaky and fast to be comprehensible by anyone other than a neurotic ferritt. 
Farmboy, I'm taking notes. But since your on single tree maybe y not the best source of notes, lol. Next time I'm in the store I will have cut up flowery post card with my name and number. But chances are I will become a bumbling idiot and put it in the donation bucket at the checkout instead of handing it to him, lol.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Well, nobody can help ya iffn you cant/wont help yourself.

As a thought. NOW you can see what we guys go through around woman. Lucky YOU. He likely wont yell stalker, or help when you try. We guys take the chance that women will yell thusly when WE try.


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

Oh, my, FBB! You give an awful lot of advice for someone who is "NOT LOOKING". LOL!


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Advice is free. That's why I have it lol.
OR
Are ya saying I give a alful lot of advice for one who has no experience anymore in such advice?
OR
Are you saying I give alful advice lol


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

laura? i'll end with this,when I called 911 last September my next door neighbers wife was the first responder to work on rosie.6 months later HER MOTHER WANTS TO DATE ME! dear god no-I just couldn't. just too weird.....


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

bigjon......that's weird to me I agree with you!
No one's asking, or even interested, so it's not like my door is being knocked down by suitors. HA HA.
I am a little gunshy and A LOT out of touch with the 2015's ha ha, so I ask a lot of questions.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

I don't think there is one real answer, too many variables.



rkintn said:


> I cut mine short and quit coloring it. The going gray was a bit of a shock lol


 I keep cutting mine while I wait for the color to finish growing out. The shocking part for me was not realizing how much more gray I had gotten in the last five years since I started coloring it, but the amount of attention I am getting from men. The men keep getting younger too, much to my dismay, but....it makes you feel good.

I joined a low pressure for attendance interest group and a yoga class, no intentions of meeting a life-mate in either case. I think, if nothing else, getting out and doing things boosts your confidence and general feelings of happiness. I have a healthy bit of confidence but noticed that after getting out more I seem to be a brighter person in general. More sense of purpose maybe other than just taking care the place and work.

In the end humans are social creatures whether you are an introvert like myself or not and the main reason you keep hearing "pursue what you love" is not that you find your mate while not looking...I think it puts you into a position of being happy and that happiness (even when you start out happy) attracts more people in general.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

At first glance, it's comes off as "arrogant"........but, ya know........
I'd rather be on my own than in a bad / compromising my integrity type of relationship.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

At first glance, it's comes off as "arrogant"........but, ya know........
I'd rather be on my own than in a bad / compromising my integrity type of relationship.

I swear, I am not drinkin' at 8am.........sorry for the double.........


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## Jaclynne (May 14, 2002)

I agree Laura Z5 - that was worth saying twice!


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> New question.
> 
> married 25
> divorced for 8 months
> ...


I waited to pursue my first post divorce date until the day after my decree was finalized after the mandatory 60 day waiting period to make sure I didn't jeopardize the agreed settlement and had my first date about 5 days later. Then I went on vacation for a couple weeks and set up a few more first dates while I was wintering on the Gulf.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> New question.
> 
> married 25
> divorced for 8 months
> ...


Honestly i believe, If you have to ask the question, then you are not ready to date. 

To be honest its easy to just date, men and women all need the same things in general. But how to find a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with? I think its not really meeting the exact perfect person. But instead being open, honestly ready, and truly wanting to be part of something bigger than yourself. Of course there must be your brand of interests, chemistry and such, but when a person is truly ready to love, ( not just lonely or bored, or wants someone to fix them) one puts off a "vib" that's attractive to another. Sometimes when two of those meet, it happens.:hobbyhors I really believe that.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Instead of dating someone, looking for someone just for the sake of having someone, perhaps exploring options in a way that doesn't involve others may be a better option for you.

Date yourself. Make plans to take yourself to places, events and activities you think you may like. Wear the clothes, shoes, hair and make-up, or not, to please YOU, not anyone else. If you're not having fun, do something different. If you don't like the conversation, take 3 steps and have a different one with someone else. You get to meet lots of nice people this way and they get to meet you. It's okay to quietly sit in a corner and observe everyone else's interactions. It's your date, you call how it rolls.  Remember it's your responsibility to get yourself home safely at the end of your date.

This is how you will learn about yourself, exploring your new world and its social options. You get to learn what you like and don't like about yourself and make personal adjustments. You learn what qualities you like and don't like in other people, and make personal choices and boundaries for yourself and others. You date yourself building your social network of positive people with common interests who care about you and you care about them.

Then think about dating someone else who steps up from the friend pool.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

As some of you know, I've been single for a while now and you know what? It's totally working out, I mean it. It's so good I'm pretty sure it's safe to say.... I'm the one. :happy2:


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Well, If that's what you think, than I agree with you and say, Why Not lol


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

WhyNot said:


> As some of you know, I've been single for a while now and you know what? It's totally working out, I mean it. It's so good I'm pretty sure it's safe to say.... I'm the one. :happy2:


Ok, envy line one.....
How do I make my 'font' larger! I can ACTUALLY see your posts!! HA HA

I was talking to the kids at work the other day and said it would be nice to have a friend......he owns his house, I own mine, he has his accounts, bills, etc.....I have mine......so, two separate people......but we 'meet in the middle'. Have dinner, watch a movie, dig a garden, go to the range, work on the car, have lunch at the beach. Talk on the phone.....you know that kind of thing. But at the end of the day; he has his stuff, I have my stuff; he has his space, I have my space......
THAT'S about as close as I want to get right now.

Michael, you are right......I don't like the 2015 version of 'dating'.....:happy2:


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

You don't have to subscribe to the 2015 version of dating. People still use wooden matches to light trash, reheat food in the oven or on the cook top, and have phones connected to the walls with cords. It's all up to you, Laura you can even invent your own version of dating. LOLOL


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

yep. May be harder now to find someone who agrees with YOUR version of dating tho

Laura, what you said reminds me of Jays setup. Pretty neat if you can get it, and you want it, and if it works for both


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## LisaBug (Oct 13, 2002)

Laura Zone 10 said:


> Ok, envy line one.....
> How do I make my 'font' larger! I can ACTUALLY see your posts!! HA HA
> 
> I was talking to the kids at work the other day and said it would be nice to have a friend......he owns his house, I own mine, he has his accounts, bills, etc.....I have mine......so, two separate people......but we 'meet in the middle'. Have dinner, watch a movie, dig a garden, go to the range, work on the car, have lunch at the beach. Talk on the phone.....you know that kind of thing. But at the end of the day; he has his stuff, I have my stuff; he has his space, I have my space......
> ...


This is where I am right now. It's good this way. 'M' and I are happy having our own places and friends. We met 7 years ago, was a chance meeting that set us up for now. We're comfortable with with each other and speak the language of heavy equipment. I'm glad, it means I get stay in the world in which I'm used to. It's hard to say when you're going to meet that some one which you're comfortable with.
Good luck....

Lisa


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