# What do you do when your dh asks for a divorce?



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Well I didn't see it coming.
He's having an affair, and told my daughters this morning that he doesn't love me, and wants to have sex with another woman, and he is divorcing me.

Survival: I have 3 kids. One in MI and two girls at home 21, 17.
The girls are devastated. I am driving 4.5 hours to MI to tell my son, today.

I don't know where to begin.

Emergency Prep: I do have food in the house, so we do have food to live off of. 

I don't know what to do.....I am blindsided. I had no idea.....none.
Look at my posts......I had no, idea.

Angie, if this is in the wrong place, please move me.


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## NewGround (Dec 19, 2010)

May the peace of God be with you...


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

sorry to hear this....you will survie... just hold on tight...dont make any rash decisions right now....get a lawyer...try and keep a set routine....pray and then pray even more..then when you are done pray more....god gives peace and comfort in hardtimes


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

Oh My Laura, I'm so sorry. You know about where I am,If you need anything,Please let me know. You have my Prayers.


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## bee (May 12, 2002)

Your own personal SHTF..if you can lock down your emotions and think SURVIVAL..for now. Later is for grieving.

First, has he cleaned out the accounts(saving or checking)? Remember he was planning this move, knew it was coming. Do you work outside the home and have income? Are you going to be able to keep the house? Is he planning to move out? Does he want you out? First thing tomorrow(or sooner if you can check by computer) I'd be looking at your joint finances..see if he has been hiding money for this.

This is so emotionally devastating..but you have to think pracitical for now.

Huggs and good luck; bee


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## Taratunafish (Aug 6, 2007)

First off, besides saying "holy crap", can I say I'm sorry to hear this news? Aside from your head spinning out of control, wondering what's next, can I strongly suggest that you not make any rash, quick, jump decisions? ( I have a friend who would do just that ). No one knows how this will play out for sure. Please keep your faith. I'm so sorry your world has just been rocked.


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I don't know what to do....


*GET A LAWYER!* First thing Monday morning!


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## mothernature (Aug 22, 2010)

I'm terribly sorry for your devestating news!! Yes, LAWYER, one who will not get paid until you do! DOCUMENT when and what he said when he told you he wanted a divorce! You don't want to be a bad person by trying to be hurtful, but you'll need to be loaded and ready to get what's yours in the divorce! Most of all, as heartbreaking and devestating as this is, you do not deserve to this, nor do you deserve to be with this person another second!!! Survive - yes! Not only survive, but pick up the pieces (no matter how much time you need to do that) and go live a new fulfilled life -YOU DESERVE THAT!! I feel all things happen for a reason, so there must be something better waiting for you in life!!


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## InHisName (Jan 26, 2006)

Laura,I will be praying for you, and your daughters, you are not forsaken by your Heavenly Father. He knew this was going on... That is a dreadful thing to tell the girls, But God is able to carry them, and you through. I Peter 5:7, Casting all your cares upon Him, for HE CARETH for YOU- rest in the hands of Jesus through this storm. Another verse, I have been young, but now am old, yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. Psalm 37:5 - a promise


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

Let's keep this to the survival aspects of this life problem.

You will do best if you can get un-emotional and just deal with facts as much as possible - there will be YEARS to deal with the emotional.

Lawyer for YOU. Start list of what you need for the future, etc.
And be prepared that you will find out many things about everyone during this event.

If this gets too bashing, and less survival, it may be closed or moved.
But this is a Survival issue.


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## CocalicoSprings (Mar 12, 2008)

Do not do anything. Wait.
If you still love him and if you want him, let things play out a little.
My guess...after he "gets what he thinks he wants", he'll be back with his tail between his legs asking for you back.
If you don't love him.....take your time and make a plan. 
Remember with respect to attorneys, I've found the end result is... you take your joint assets and subtract 20-25% for lawyer fees and then work out your split.


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## DaleK (Sep 23, 2004)

Survival wise? If he's already been having the affair, a visit to your doctor to get yourself tested and find out what you need to know to figure out what he's been screwing and what he might have brought home to you.


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## TheMartianChick (May 26, 2009)

Other than the advice that others have given about the power of prayer,getting a health check, getting a lawyer and following up with your financial affairs, I have no other advice to offer right now.

I will keep you in my prayers and hope that things work out for you and your family. There is nothing like being blindsided...and that could happen to any one of us here. You will survive. Your posts here on HT tell us that you are equipped to handle just about anything. While many things in your life have changed overnight, your ability to stand strong has not. Good luck and God bless!


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2008)

Laura, if you don't have a job or no separate bank account, go to the ATM and get some cash NOW. Are all the credit cards in his name? If so, he may lock you out of them and if you don't have cash, this could hurt you.

I had a good friend who got gobsmacked like this, and in a matter of hours, he had locked her out of everything financially, and tried to keep EVERYTHING, including the house. He literally wanted her to have nothing but the shirt on her back. Your dh may not do this to you, but if things get worse, plan for it.
Get a lawyer, ASAP.

Keep a clear head and put grieving on the back burner until you get a lawyer. Also, be careful what you say about him to the kids, as this can cause you more trouble down the road. You'll want to be there for them right now.


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

If it was me I would wait on the lawyer and see if hubby files for divorce. In the meantime I would be checking all finances with a CPA's help, paid or otherwise, because I would want to know for certain where every dime was located or not. If your hubby delays on filing for the divorce it may give you some critical planning time to set up some financial safeguards for yourself. 

Try to separate yourself from the emotional part of this crisis and arm yourself with enough information/planning to get through a possible divorce without losing everything you've contributed to over a lifetime of marriage. Lawyers are expensive. CPAs are less expensive and yet can provide the exact services you need at this particular point and time. 

Do not share financial information with your children at this point and time. They do not need to be involved in this part of the divorce. Dad has already shown that he is going to use the children for message service. 

You are in a financial survival situation right now. Do what you need to do for yourself so that you can take care of yourself. If you cannot take care of yourself then you cannot take care of others. The grief can be expressed in positive actions taken to secure your lifestyle and your home.


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## Cyngbaeld (May 20, 2004)

Find out now, what is in your name and what is in his and what is joint. Call the CC companies and start cancelling anything that is joint and if he has access to your cards or numbers cancel those or have the numbers changed. Try to get the mortgage paid as many months in advance as you can if you are staying in the house, particularly if it is in your name or joint. Wont hurt to pay forward on utility bills too if they will allow you to do that. Do it now if he hasn't cleaned out joint accounts.


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## Txsteader (Aug 22, 2005)

Other than getting a good lawyer (read: one you can trust), I wouldn't do anything right now. Your emotions are going to be raw, so it's best to find someone with a level head that you can trust to help make any permanent decisions.

-----------------------------------
I'm very sorry, Laura. I'm lifting you up in prayer, that God will give you His comfort and guidance. Love, Paula~
-------------------------------------


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

As with any SHTF situation... you need to harden up immediately. Tough. Cold. Serious. 
In any emergency, you do not have the emergy to spare on sorrow or horror.
You need to eat. You need to sleep. You need to care for your children in this crisis. 
As bad as you may think it is, it is worse for them.
Don't yell. Don't scream. Don't freak.
Calm. Cold. Serious.
While you still have access to the money.. go buy new tires for the car. Even if you have to bring them home and store them under the front porch. Tires are expensive. Get a tune up, an oil change. Do you need new brakes?
Go to the store.
Buy food.. easy to prepare etc..
Buy the next size up clothes and shoes for the kids. Buy next summer's clothes as well
Get yourself some things too.

All of this depends on the ages of your children, of course.


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

I have prayed for you and your whole family.

You do need an attorney, even if DH is just going off his rocker for a while and you reconcile later. And it may take a couple of tries to get a competent attorney who will represent your interests assertively. Many, many divorce attorneys do a terrible job. You need a no-nonsense, tough advocate for your practical/material interests under the laws of your state. 

And please protect yourself - if he's talking that way to his own children (daughters, no less - for shame!) then he might, er, bring something home if you know what I mean. Keep your distance.

Financially, as you go forward don't accept total responsibility for joint debt. Quit claim deeds and divorce decrees do NOT erase liability for debt you signed for in the first place. Mortgages must be refinanced in a single name (vehicles as well), credit card accounts must be closed - and keep copies of all the letters with the creditors so you can prove you were removed from accounts - keep those letters forever. Seriously.

If I were in your shoes I'd be on the phone to the credit card companies immediately and have them suspended. Then follow up with a certified letter/return receipt to be sure. These are areas that most people miss and it can really, really burn you later if an estranged spouse decides to run up a big debt. The sooner you notify the creditors and have it documented that you are off the account the better. Don't let them push you around!

Your attorney can see to it that joint funds/accounts are protected, but insist it be done NOW. Yesterday. Your state has laws about bank accounts, investments, etc. and a competent, assertive attorney will move to protect you under the laws of your state.

I hope you and your husband will work this out, but that doesn't change the practical realities of the moment.


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

Your attitude will be the most important decision you make for yourself as you go through the coming days.

You cannot allow or afford a defeated attitude. You cannot feel sorry for yourself. Do not lean heavily on your children for love and comfort. They'll need it from you.

In years ahead you'll look back on all this and realize it was the hardest but best survival lesson you ever had. 

I send you my most positive thoughts and regards for finding and using your inner strength to deal with this situation.


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## mama2littleman (Nov 8, 2004)

chickenista said:


> As with any SHTF situation... you need to harden up immediately. Tough. Cold. Serious.
> In any emergency, you do not have the emergy to spare on sorrow or horror.
> You need to eat. You need to sleep. You need to care for your children in this crisis.
> As bad as you may think it is, it is worse for them.
> ...


Chickenista is right. Time to go to the matresses, so to speak. I was the "leaver" not the "leavee" in my relationship. Part of my "preps" for walking away was makng sure the kidlet was taken care of and I was in a financial position to maintain my family's life style.

Be proactive not reactive. Get a plan and stick with it.

Nikki


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

Get a really good lawyer, NOW! as in Monday morning immediatly after you're at the bank pulling out 1/2 the money(if he hasn't cleared it all out already) and open a checking account in your name -- I'd do it at a different bank myself.
Do NOT sign anything without you lawyer looking at it first.

And whatever you do, make HIM move out, otherwise if you move out, his lawyer will make it look like you abandoned the home/family.


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## Hisgoodgirl (Mar 31, 2010)

He has broken his vow, shut yourself off to him now this is one of the times a divorce is vaild.

He has laid with another and then come home to you, find a doctor that you feel safe with and be tested as completely as possible. Your life has been put at risk.

He was stolen from you, he owed you fidelity and did not provide that more than likely he will leave you destitute if he can, do not allow it if possible.

Be aware of what is said to and around your children, they are his children and as head of the household they are duty bound to him. When I had to speak to someone for advise I went to my father and brother.

I wish upon you all of Our Father's Mercy.


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## GoldenCityMuse (Apr 15, 2009)

How very sad. 
Look for local support resources. Church, Salvation Army, community services, etc.


Health
Finances - 6 months of bills in a separate account
Food
Transport
Legal
Shelter
Family
And come here for specific questions you may have. There is a wealth of knowledge in the pragmatic side of life on this forum.


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

soulsurvivor said:


> If it was me I would wait on the lawyer and see if hubby files for divorce.


:umno:
Take it form someone who has been though a divorce - the above advice to wait to get a lawyer is the worst possible thing you could do. You need to take immediate steps to legally protect yourself and your children financally


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## charisma (Nov 13, 2007)

mnn2501 said:


> :umno:
> Take it form someone who has been though a divorce - the above advice to wait to get a lawyer is the worst possible thing you could do. You need to take immediate steps to legally protect yourself and your children financally


Very much agree with this. Get a lawyer ASAP. He has admitted infidelity, ergo you can likely use that to help you make a case for fault and abandonment on his part. I also second the financial advice given above. Move now on these things. He has likely been planning this so d speed on your part is essential. You are in my prayers. I just went through a divorce myself. I can provide a sympathetic listening ear f ever you should need one. May God give you strength, peace, and comfort.


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## Ohiogal (Mar 15, 2007)

If I were in this situation (and I'm sorry you are) aside from getting your own financials in order (savings/checking and utilities in your name, and close what is joint owned), I'd also apply for a credit card or two while your joint credit is still there. If you are working out of the house and can't show income, it will be hard for you to get credit in the future with no job. 
And yes, despite the good intentions, when a spouse declares they are in love with someone else and having sex with them, all bets are off for any type of caring from that partner. He's thinking with his nether regions and not about you or the kids. 
Time to get tough.


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## Smalltowngirl (Mar 28, 2010)

After seeing a doctor for STD testing and a lawyer for info on your rights, I'd start putting in applications at any & all places that may be hiring. You will need a job since even if you're awarded spousal support, it will only be for a while.

Have you worked outside of home since your children arrived or do you have a degree that you may be able to use even if you received it years ago? Make a list of your skills & jobs, even if they weren't paid positions so you can make up a resume.

I'm sorry you're dealing with such a shock but at least your children are old enough to be left alone when you go to work. 

Also, check into your husbands health insurance and get any tests/exams done while you're still covered. Mammogram, Pap, etc.


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## mpillow (Jan 24, 2003)

and get a* hobby* that you can pour your energies into...to keep your mind off the past...leave him and the baggage in the past....live for today and tomorrow...and for your children's sake don't run their Dad in the mud....you have to separate the behavior from the person....people make mistakes but it doesn't mean that they are necessarily "bad".


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## stamphappy (Jul 29, 2010)

I want to say I am so very, very sorry this has happened to you. I would be devastated, hurt, angry, numb, etc...

Please be extremely cautious driving the 4.5 hours today. I pray that you took one or both of your girls with you and are staying the night--not making this a one day turnaround trip. 

I want to be flippant and say "Girlfriend, wipe the sheeeet off your heels and move on", but that's crass and rude. But dang it, now *is not the time to weep, now is the time to toughen up and protect yourself.* You got some great advice on here, so be sure to use it.

Do the girls living with you have jobs? If not, they may be in for a rude awakening, as this will financially affect them and they may need to start helping out with household expenses. 

This happened to my girlfriend and he had opened credit cards without her knowledge, was direct depositing a portion of his paycheck, had a separate bank account, etc...He was the one who got his paycheck stubs, so she only saw what went into their bank account, she didn't even know an extra $600 was going somewhere else. Oh I get so angry just thinking about her situation and I am angry for yours as well. 

I pray for God to cradle you in His hand and help guide you along as you enter this turbulent season in your life. 

{{{{cyber hugs for you}}}}


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## momof2 (Mar 28, 2003)

Been there! Get a lawyer and do what he says (and just because you have a lawyer dosen't mean immediate divorce)!!!!!! It's almost 4 years later for me and you may not believe it now but life will go on and you will be fine... it will be hard, and awful even, but you WILL be fine.


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## momof2 (Mar 28, 2003)

mnn2501 said:


> :umno:
> Take it form someone who has been though a divorce - the above advice to wait to get a lawyer is the worst possible thing you could do. You need to take immediate steps to legally protect yourself and your children financally


PLEASE listen to this!!!! I did the above and really, really regret it. I wanted to do the "right thing" and be a good wife. I made bad decisions because I didn't want to be "mean"... don't think like that. YOU be the one to set the rules now... with a lawyer guiding you.


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## beaglebiz (Aug 5, 2008)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Well I didn't see it coming.
> He's having an affair, and told my daughters this morning that he doesn't love me, and wants to have sex with another woman, and he is divorcing me.
> 
> Survival: I have 3 kids. One in MI and two girls at home 21, 17.
> ...


Laura, this exact thing just happed to my DH's brother. Please get a lawyer, and get your name off the credit cards today, and at least get a print out of what you have in the bank. I am so so very sorry. 
AND get yourself tested. I think I would tell him to leave the home. Let him stay at his girlfriends.
I will pray for you.


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## TJN66 (Aug 29, 2004)

I'm so sorry. Please pm me if there is anything I can do to help.


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

I'm going to give a reason on why I advised you to hold off on getting a lawyer. Take it for what it is - not your problem to own, but to consider from another perspective.

My SIL was widowed last year. Her husband was 56 when he had a sudden heart attack and died. My SIL was in her 5th year of divorce proceedings with him when he passed. It wasn't that they owned such a big estate that this had been an ongoing divorce proceeding. It was because the lawyers involved on both side of the divorce were incredible at prolonging the divorce hearings and extending timelines for court hearings. The lawyers were bleeding the estate dry and by the time her husband had died the lawyers on both sides had bills amounting to almost 95% of the estate. 

To her credit she had tried to fire/rehire lawyers that would stop the mess their life had become, but her husband had hired his good friend as his lawyer and it wasn't possible to get him released from the case. 

Don't rely on the advice of others. Do what your gut tells you and then follow through and quickly. I would get a professional in financial law, note that's not always a lawyer, and I would get all of that weighing in my favor before I ever stepped inside a lawyer's office. When I did go to the lawyer it would be with my directions to make it short and sweet for a final divorce ruling.


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## ne prairiemama (Jan 30, 2010)

Oh no  I'm so sorry! I don't have any advice but I'll be praying for you all  (((hugs!)))


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## Guest (Aug 14, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your whole family..


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## Horse Fork Farm (Jan 3, 2006)

Don't grieve for a man who would do this to your family. He wasn't the person he pretended to be so therefore not worth the emotional toll of grief. At the very least he should have been man enough to leave you first... I'm really sorry you and your kids have been let down so completely. And what kind of man says that to his daughters???


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Laura, I held off for a bit to think about what I wanted to say.

First of all, take the advice to get an attorney. You need to know your legal and financial rights.

Second, you have a lot more strength in you than you know! You will get through this...and be stronger for it!


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## Horse Fork Farm (Jan 3, 2006)

and yes...lawyer up and follow his advice. Be brutal, because he surely will. The other woman is the one hes concerned about now... I've so been right where you are.


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

While I am against divorce and the culture of divorce, DO get an attorney. It's not against God to provide for yourself and children by protecting yourself and your assets through the law - you did not ask for this, but you still have to eat, have a place to live, etc.

Pray for your husband and yourself and the marriage and the children, YES, but get a tough attorney. If you lawyer up sufficiently - have an attorney who really works hard for you and your interests - it may be the thing that snaps your DH into reality. Or not. But I don't see it as a choice of impoverishing yourself versus being a prayerful wife. You can pray and protect the material things at the same time.


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## tab (Aug 20, 2002)

My heart goes out to you. Most of this has been very good advice jlrbhjmnc put it together well. Chickenista has a real point, be tough, you did not do this, cry when you need to and then get back to surviving. Your marriage vows were broken and to not come to you directly is something that I will not address much as that is so very disrespectful, on top of what has been done. Hugs to you. You are not alone, there is support here, bet there is more than one of us who will go through this yet this year. Go with your gut, if the first lawyer, which often an initial visit is low cost of free, does not give you definite answers and a game plan, get another one. Your state may allow adultery as grounds for divorce. Absolutely get to a doctor, there are many treatable std's out there. Keep notes, they may help you in a divorce. Absolutely do not move out until you get legal advice. I am a firm believer that adultery changes everything, including how things should be split up. You will survive this. Do you have any family besides children close by? Are they supportive? If they are, utilize that support. If not, don't waste your time. Hugs, again.


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## belladulcinea (Jun 21, 2006)

I agree with the get an attorney, get a checkup at the doctor's office, tell them why you are there and protect your assests group. 

There will come a period of grieving and while you are doing that you can continue to move through your life while acknowledging the hurt that your are feeling! Anger can be a good short term motivator, then when things calm down you will do what is needed for you and the family. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family.


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## bluemoonluck (Oct 28, 2008)

I've BTDT.... this is advice from the trenches :grouphug:

* Try to get his confession of infedeility in writing - email, text, whatever. He may come back later and claim he never said this and try to paint you as the bad guy in all this. If you've got it in writing, he can't do this.

* Document EVERYTHING that you can. If you can get it from him in writing (text or email) that would be best, if not get a notebook and start writing everything he tells you down. Be as objective as possible: "At 9:39pm on August 10, 2011, Jim informed me in front of Jane and Kim that he was having an affair and wanted a divorce." Continue to do this each time you have a conversation with him, or your children disclose a conversation that they had with their father.

* DO NOT under ANY circumstances leave your marital residence. If you leave, you are the "at fault" party for abandonment. Besides that, you need your food preps now more than ever. Stay put!

* Get an attorney first thing in the morning. You need sound legal advice from someone who is NOT emotionally involved in this. 

*When you get your attorney, DO WHAT HE/SHE TELLS YOU TO DO! I know lots of people who pay $$$ for a lawyer then they don't do what that lawyer tells them to do. They are experts at this, you're paying them for their knowledge. Do what they tell you to do!!!

* I totally agree with all the other posters who have advised you to get checked for STD's right away. If you have any, the sooner you catch them the easier they are to treat (and the less change you'll end up with PID, which can cause problems for you down the road).

* Remove him from any joint credit cards that you are primary on. In addition, tell the credit card company to cancel the card and reissue a new one with a new number. That way he won't know your credit card numbers.

* On your way home from the lawyer's office tomorrow, stop by a new bank (NOT one you currently have an account with) and open a new account in your name only - you only need to do this if you don't already have a separate account from him.

* Photographs, family heirlooms, keepsakes, etc cause all sorts of legal battles in a divorce. Anything that is yours that you can't stand to lose - your Grandmother's quilt, etc - remove from the house and put in a secure location. The goal is NOT to strip the marital residence of everything of value, it is to protect a few cherished possessions that you can't stand to lose.

* Do not talk to him anymore without a witness present - preferably a non-family member, and more preferably your attorney. If he approaches you to talk, tell him that all discussion needs to go thru your attorney - then give him your atty's business card and walk away. When emotions are running high, people say lots of stupid stuff and it WILL come back later to bite you in the rear.

* Remember: Once a cheater, always a cheater. 

So sorry you're going thru this.....


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## Belfrybat (Feb 21, 2003)

Sorry you are going though this. I know it is a shock.

From an S&EP perspective:
1. Lawyer so you know your rights
2. Get tested for STDs and HIV
3. Tomorrow morning first thing transfer one half of everything in joint accounts to an account in your name only. This is quite legal and if you are in a community property State, it will protect you by giving you your half now. Don't transfer more than half.
4. Then out of the half remaining (supposedly his half) pay the mortage or rent plus utility bills one payment (or more) ahead. That is to protect your 17 yo girl from being pushed out of her house. If a mortage, be sure the mortgage company credits it as an extra payment and not a payment on the prinicipal (get it in writing).
5. Take out one or two credit cards in your name if you haven't already done so. Close all joint credit cards immediately so you won't be responsible for his debts. 
6. Follow what the lawyer tells you on protecting the rest of your assets. 
7. Don't panic, don't get mean, but don't be a wimp either.


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## InvalidID (Feb 18, 2011)

I'll start by saying I'm sorry. But, being a practical person I'll get right into the guts of this thing.


1)Call every good lawyer in and around the area and set up a consult. Divorce lawyers will do a free consult with you to talk you into using them...so they can milk you both dry. You don't want to hire them necessarily, but once they do a consult with you they are legally unable to work for DH. This will limit his options on legal counsel and make life a little easier for you. Also, if he has a lawyer you may find out who it is, as that person won't be able to talk to you.

2)Hide real assets as quickly as you can. Cash, jewelry, anything of value that is hard to trace. Hide it with a friend, family, anywhere he can't get to it.

3)Is he running up debt? Take an ad out in the classified stating: I (insert full legal name) am no longer responsible for the debts and bills incurred by (insert his legal name) as of (insert date paper is printed)

4)After that ad is printed, do not use any joint credit or you've nullified it. (I'm not sure if this is true in every state, but better safe than sorry)

5)IF you are sure he's going to file for divorce, file first. Claim infidelity, I don't know if your state is a no fault divorce state or not, but even if it is a judge will look much kinder on you if he's cheating.

6) Of course this goes without saying but, if he hasn't already, clean out all joint accounts ASAP. Cash will mostly stay with the person holding it provided it can't be traced. Clean out the accounts on the way to the courthouse, this way it's gone BEFORE you file for divorce.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

bluemoonluck said:


> I've BTDT.... this is advice from the trenches :grouphug:
> 
> * Try to get his confession of infedeility in writing - email, text, whatever. He may come back later and claim he never said this and try to paint you as the bad guy in all this. If you've got it in writing, he can't do this.
> 
> ...


IMHO, this is the most well put advice so far.


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

InvalidID said:


> 5)IF you are sure he's going to file for divorce, file first. Claim infidelity, I don't know if your state is a no fault divorce state or not, but even if it is a judge will look much kinder on you if he's cheating.QUOTE]
> 
> THIS!


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

I am so sorry. I have been through this and it is not easy. You *can* and *will* get through this. You have been given some really good advice so far.....hang in there and stay tough!
(((hugs)))


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## GlenArden (Feb 8, 2011)

First of all I will pray for you. My daughter went through this sort of stuff with her ex. Take your time about everything you do...but I advise against trying to live in the same house. And don't do anything without getting your own attorney. DO NOT share an attorney!


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## HeelSpur (May 7, 2011)

Hide the money. I know a lady that ask for a divorce and he husband went on a gambling spree and emptied their accounts. $6000 gone and nothing she could do about it.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish you strength in this time. I hope you have some $$ in your own account.


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## Rocktown Gal (Feb 19, 2008)

No advice. Just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this.


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## Teri (Jan 13, 2003)

So, so sorry,Laura. I am praying for you.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

Sorry this has happened to you Laura. The only thing I can add is that as bleak as things seem right now things will get better. You have a bunch of folks here pulling for you and sometimes lifes journey throws you a curve ball but you can and will get through it.


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## HTWannabee (Jan 19, 2007)

I think I would stop at the bank on the way to the lawyers Monday morning. Take out all that you can while you can and put it into a new account in your name only. If things somehow "work out" you can always change it back. He may do the same thing so you need to be first. This sounds harsh but this is a SHTF situation.

All the advice in getting your name off of everything seems very like important advice to me. If you have powers of attorney for each other fix that too ASAP. In fact, if you have a durable power of attorney in place grab it and bring it with you. Do what you need to do with that before getting it fixed.

This is lousy for you no doubt about it. Do what you can to protect yourself. He has stepped outside his vocation as husband for you and you do not have the obligation to put his interests first any longer. Keep us posted. 

I am adding my prayers for you and your family to those listed already.


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## InvalidID (Feb 18, 2011)

HTWannabee said:


> I think I would stop at the bank on the way to the lawyers Monday morning. Take out all that you can while you can and put it into a new account in your name only. If things somehow "work out" you can always change it back. He may do the same thing so you need to be first. This sounds harsh but this is a SHTF situation.
> 
> All the advice in getting your name off of everything seems very like important advice to me. If you have powers of attorney for each other fix that too ASAP. In fact, if you have a durable power of attorney in place grab it and bring it with you. Do what you need to do with that before getting it fixed.
> 
> ...


 I wouldn't put it in a new account. If there is cash in an account, even ust in her name, he can find out about it. Hide it in CASH.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

You will be OK, physically. You won't find yourself homeless or starving to death. No matter what he takes from you, losing it won't kill you. You are safe and warm and your stomach is full, and it will stay that way. Your kids will physically be OK too - thank God they're not too little.

The biggest danger to you right now is that, while your emotions are still so raw and you are hurting so badly, you will say or do something that you will regret. The most important thing you can do right now is to pray that God will guide your thoughts, words, and deeds and prevent you from saying or doing anything that will cause permanent damage to yourself or your children.

As much as you may feel you need to yell and scream and vent, it's not a good idea to do that in front of the kids. Refrain from saying anything bad about him to the kids. It may make them feel negative things toward you. Even when the kids aren't there, it's not a good idea to waste your energy yelling and screaming at him or accusing him, either. 

Don't give him your energy. Don't do him any favors. Don't say things he can use as ammunition against you later. He left. Lock the door. Don't talk to him, don't beg. Don't give him any of your emotions.

Just concentrate on doing the things you need to do and getting through this difficult time. Try to think one day at a time and pray, pray, pray.


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## fishinshawn (Nov 8, 2010)

All I can say is WOW, given the responses in here it is no wonder divorce has gotten so "messy". I have been divorced, wife cheated on me, forgave her once and as the old saying goes, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!, so second time I asked her to leave. 

Anyway I am going to recommend sitting down and talking to your husband. See if you guys can come up with a plan to divorce agreeably if not for your own sakes, for your children's. The only people who win in a divorce with lawyers is the lawyers. Anyway, make an agreement and divide your assets appropriately, for instance he shouldn't take your jewelry and you shouldn't take his fishing poles. Try and put aside your pain and hurt, and look at it like a broken contract and divide things up fairly. You'll have plenty of time to grieve and be angry later. If you guys can work together, hire a paralegal and get it done cheap.


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## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. HUGS....there seems to be lost of good advice here as since I have not been in your shoes I don't have a clue where you should start legally....but I agree with others in getting tested for STD's ASAP and document everything and get as much documentation as you can. If you wake up and find your account are "low" start printing out back statements so you can prove the money was there at one time and you didn't removed it.


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## bourbonred (Feb 27, 2008)

Regardless of whether or not the marriage is reconciled later, he needs to leave now...and you need to change the locks.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

Three things:

1. Do NOT put too much information ANYWHERE on the internet. It can come back to bite you if you don't divorce and worse if you do.

2. Practical advice only on this thread, please. Bashing, editorial comments will have to be deleted, that discussion is for other forums.

3. You will survive, but this is the end of the world as you knew it - together or apart, the outlook and perceptions have been changed.


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## GlenArden (Feb 8, 2011)

Oh, get anything you don't want him to see off your computer because there are ways he can see everything you've posted, emailed, etc!


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## GlenArden (Feb 8, 2011)

My ex son in law pulled money out of joint accounts, etc. He had to return it but that's why I suggest a lawyer right off the bat. It's easier to prevent things than undoing them.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

:grouphug: Sorry

Take post # 46 Invalid Id Also the one on getting it in cash . Don't know what stale you live in a fault or no fault state . I know about Tn law most banks you just draw the acct down say leave a hundred in it and then have your name removed from the account . My lawyer told me to file first and fast like Monday said always make the other present the defense beware the trap is if he thinks you may come out way ahead he will try for a forgive and get back together deal .Then pull a double cross later . 

In the papers you file ask for everything I mean everything alimony lawyer expenses the works . Point being you won;t get it all but your lawyer or the judge can bargain down but hard to bargain up . 

As Id said get a plan if it every comes to forgive and forget he can do some of the forgiving but at that time it would paid for and in my name .

If you can beat him on the filing hide till the papers are served that will put you in the drivers seat at the least . 

Remember this man KNOWS YOU knows how you think and knows what buttons to push . 

Once i filed my x tried every way in the world to get me to drop the charges . My standard statement was have your lawyer talk to my lawyer Prayers Jim


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

I've thought a bit. When I left my ex, we were Homesteading. I left behind my horses,sheep,chickens, many Antiques etc. When I found out that he really was with my girlfriend-it was too late to get all of my belongings and my share of the Animals etc.Now many years later and another life, I regret leaving behind what I did ,just to wash my hands of him. Think, really think before you give up your beliefs and your love of your style of life. Stay rational,get really mad if you have to,sometimes it can help to keep your head straight. I never have regretted leaving him, the disgust/anger I felt, has saved me from the pain. You Can and Will, be OK.


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## Freya (Dec 3, 2005)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


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## Forest (Oct 14, 2010)

I am sending you good thoughts and strength.

I don't have much advice to offer in addition to what was already said.

One thing though, more long term-

resist the temptation to vent/break down in front of your kids. Given their age, they may want to help you and be there for you. However, they have been betrayed also and their heart has been broken too. You are still their parent. Do not allow them to take care of you, because although they may want to, they themselves need all the help they can get right now. 

((((((HUGS))))))


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## Aintlifegrand (Jun 3, 2005)

bluemoonluck said:


> I've BTDT.... this is advice from the trenches :grouphug:
> 
> * Try to get his confession of infedeility in writing - email, text, whatever. He may come back later and claim he never said this and try to paint you as the bad guy in all this. If you've got it in writing, he can't do this.
> 
> ...



Best advice I have read.... one more thing that I would add.. Pray.. pray for you, for him, for your family..and then pray to be able to forgive him... I am sorry.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I'm so sorry Laura. The same thing happened to me two years ago. One minute my life was fine as it had been for 25 years and the next he called and said he wasn't coming home, didn't love me anymore, blah, blah, blah. 

I fell apart. My world fell apart. It's been 2 years and I'm still having a hard time dealing with the loss. But...

I agree with getting a lawyer. And a good lawyer. My lawyer was a real loser. 

It will be hard for your children, too, even though they are grown. My sons were 24 and 22 at the time and believe me they hurt big time over this.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

In a perfect world sitting down to work out a divorce would be good. However, her husband has already proved he cannot be trusted so I believe she needs a good attorney asap. If she isn't ready for divorce she could file for a legal separation but it needs to be legal. Ask around and choose the best bulldog of a divorce attorney. An acquaintance who was married to an attorney had a very difficult time finding anyone to represent her because her spouse had deliberately gone to all the attorneys in their area for a consult which meant they couldn't represent her. I'm not suggesting you do that but rather that you need to find an attorney quickly before your choices are limited by your husband's actions. 

I would agree with removing one-half of all funds to an account in your name only. Be prepared to account for each and every penny of it should it be called into question. Ask your attorney to file immediately for temporary spousal support and child support. When you have a chance I would order both your and your spouses credit reports to make sure you know everything possible about your finances. You might be eligible for alimony and you will be entitled to 50% of his retirement. Make sure you get everything you are entitled to receive. 

He has trashed your life, damaged his children's lives and although it will probably take awhile he'll realize he's destroyed all that's worthwhile in his life. I would venture a guess by the time the dust settles he'll wish he'd kept his favors at home.


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## naturelover (Jun 6, 2006)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Well I didn't see it coming.
> He's having an affair, and told my daughters this morning that he doesn't love me, and wants to have sex with another woman, and he is divorcing me.


I'm really sorry to hear this news Laura. Did he tell you this himself, or is it only 2nd hand information from your daughters. Do you positively know for sure that he's having an affair already and that he wants a divorce?

Others have given you good advice so I won't repeat any of that, but I'd add something that hasn't been mentioned - that if he hasn't already advised you on his own that he wants a divorce then you need to hear it from him in his own words, not 2nd hand from your girls.

If he has not yet started an affair perhaps there may be some chance of reconciliation, the two of you might consider going to a marriage counsellor.

In any case, whatever occurs you're in my prayers and I wish you much strength and a cool head in the days to come.

.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Got to ask why take half from the bank :cowboy: As of this present time it is considered a joint or either or account . Each can deposit or with draw at will . Like divorce papers it is who gets served first . Also legal separation is just more cost and drags even further . Once you file you if you change your mind just drop the petition for divorce no big deal . From reading her posts a while the only one that could gain from legal separation papers is him . 

If i thought he was a goner i would donate his drawers and every thing else to goodwill on my way to the bank :icecream:


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

Dont know your finances but for me paying utilities 6 months up front is 3000 dollars,got a spare 6 G paying a year forward might be a plan.Also less cash for him to spend on the mistress,so anything you can do to limit his cash flow I would do,including emptying the bank acct and putting every cent into an acct of your own,dont know how Judges feel about it but I'd let that be sorted out later,not give him a chance to fritter it away.

Might just put a little crimp in his plans with the mistress,cause THEM a little stress,sounds like a good move,no money to fool around on,I LIKE it!


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

angiem2 said:


> three things:
> 
> 1. Do not put too much information anywhere on the internet. It can come back to bite you if you don't divorce and worse if you do.
> 
> ...


this!


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

Everyone has touched on the practical side which of course makes sense.

There is still the emotional side, that cannot just be forgotten. l'd suggest simple things. 

I would wash his stink out of the bedding number one. Of course I'm funny about that kind of stuff. In fact, separate all his dirty laundry from yours, no need to do it for him.

If he does linger at home don't do anything for him out of habit like say cooking. He's a big boy let him lay in the bed he made.

Long soak in the tub, maybe add some wine. Allow yourself a good cry. Not a fall apart weeping that lasts for weeks but just one good release. Losing a life partner is painful no matter how it happens.

Do something special for yourself like get a new hairstyle or pair of pretty shoes.

Think about rearranging the furniture, that has a way of making a house seem new and different. That may help.

If you don't have one already find a support system, good friends. Find some activity that will keep you busy in your slow time, take up a hobby. Have a life outside of family/husband.

I know none of that is the type of advice everyone else would think is important immediately because obviously legal/financial stuff comes first but you really have take care of yourself outside of the messy ordeal.


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## nduetime (Dec 15, 2005)

So very sorry you are going through all this. The suddeness of this type of thing leaves me speechless. How frightening for you. Lots of good advice here for you. I do not have anything to add but best wishes and prayers for your family.


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## rean (Nov 18, 2008)

Ann gives excellent advice, heed her well. 



Ann-NWIowa said:


> In a perfect world sitting down to work out a divorce would be good. However, her husband has already proved he cannot be trusted so I believe she needs a good attorney asap. If she isn't ready for divorce she could file for a legal separation but it needs to be legal. Ask around and choose the best bulldog of a divorce attorney. An acquaintance who was married to an attorney had a very difficult time finding anyone to represent her because her spouse had deliberately gone to all the attorneys in their area for a consult which meant they couldn't represent her. I'm not suggesting you do that but rather that you need to find an attorney quickly before your choices are limited by your husband's actions.
> 
> I would agree with removing one-half of all funds to an account in your name only. Be prepared to account for each and every penny of it should it be called into question. Ask your attorney to file immediately for temporary spousal support and child support. When you have a chance I would order both your and your spouses credit reports to make sure you know everything possible about your finances. You might be eligible for alimony and you will be entitled to 50% of his retirement. Make sure you get everything you are entitled to receive.
> 
> He has trashed your life, damaged his children's lives and although it will probably take awhile he'll realize he's destroyed all that's worthwhile in his life. I would venture a guess by the time the dust settles he'll wish he'd kept his favors at home.


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## FourDeuce (Jun 27, 2002)

"He's having an affair, and told my daughters this morning that he doesn't love me, and wants to have sex with another woman,"

As others have hinted, if he's told you that, he's probably already had sex with her. He's shown he shouldn't be trusted, so don't forget that. Many people sort of "forget" about that and still think they can trust their spouse. You can't trust him or his lawyer when he gets one(IF he hasn't already).


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## rean (Nov 18, 2008)

Coming from a divorced family, one of the worst things I had to endure as a child was the bitter diatribes my parents had against the other. I was stuck in the middle, and wish my parents didn't go that route.



Laura Zone 5 said:


> Well I didn't see it coming.
> He's having an affair, and told my daughters this morning that he doesn't love me, and wants to have sex with another woman, and he is divorcing me.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

I have no doubt whatsoever that you were caught by surprise. I'm not sure where that old ax comes from that the betrayed spouse "knows," but from my observation, it's pure BS. The betrayed spouse almost never knows.

I'm going to ask a question that doesn't seem to have been asked:
Do you want to try to _save_ your marriage, Laura? 

That is, are you trying to survive a _divorce_? Or are you trying to survive your husband's _affair_? Maybe you're still in enough shock you haven't really thought about it...

Make no bones about it, a sex-less, emotional affair is usually more devastating to a marriage than a one-night-stand. But, particularly if he hasn't "gone all the way" yet, you might have a chance. _If_ you want it, that is.
(If you don't want to talk about it in public yet, I completely understand!! I'll still toss in my suggestions)

#1. Whether yes or no, an attorney really _does_ need to be your first response. S/he'll be chomping at the bit to get this divorce underway, btw, so keep that in mind. 
But you need to have you ducks in a row so you aren't caught off guard again.
If you're wanting to try to save your marriage, make sure your attorney _knows_ this so s/he can advise from that direction. Ie, protection of finances in the interim, etc.

#2. Marriage Builders 
I've known a number of couples (or just the betrayed spouses, for that matter. You DON'T need his cooperation to start the work!!) over the years who faced the exact same thing, Laura, and went the MB route to try "one last time." 
And managed to survive to tell the tale... 
I think it's Wind in Her Hair who always recommends MBs too.

Here's the starting point for infidelity (again, even if there's no sex yet, it's _still_ an affair! Work from that standpoint.)
And here's the discussion forum so you can ask immediate questions while you wade through the reading. 

------------Step #1: Exposure. 
Expose his affair to the world. You'll feel like this is the utmost in humiliation. But that begs the question, which is more important? Your pride or your marriage? 
Maybe it IS your pride. In which case, that's the answer to my first question.

But if your marriage is more important, broadcast this to the world. How sad you are. How betrayed you've been. Who he has taken up with. Put it on Facebook so all of your mutual friends will know! (try to avoid sounding like a harpy if at all possible. You are the injured, heart-broken mother of his children. You want to make sure people see this for the evil deed that it is, rather than think maybe it was justified.) 
My best friend went through this exact thing last summer. She didn't manage to save her marriage, but interestingly, because of how she handled it, her _in-laws_ have always been on _her_ side. 

You have done nothing wrong. Don't let him convince you that you have. Maybe it's true that you _haven't_ been as supportive and listened as well as she does. Maybe you _do_ nag more often. Maybe she _is_ more fun. Maybe he _doesn't_ love you anymore like he used to.

But he needs to pull up his big boy pants and be reminded that that's LIFE. Spouses aren't cars; you don't trade up when they start needing repairs. For good or for bad, this is the Datsun God gave you so by golly you'd better keep it running!
And he's proving himself juvenile and irresponsible at the moment, so for good or for bad, YOU need to be the one driving the bus right now.


All of that said, if you decide that divorce is indeed the direction you need to go I wish you luck and happiness. 
Regardless, I pray God heals your hurts. No matter how you proceed it's going to hurt for a while.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Laura, I hope you're okay.

Do what you gotta do.

(Personally, I'd like to find that "man" and smack him along side the head!):stars:


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## homebody (Jan 24, 2005)

Wish we could hear something from her. Praying for you, Laura.


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## Tater Farm (Dec 7, 2005)

Been there, done that - lived through it! Gosh, that was 15 years and a life time ago! As stated by some, lawyer up! Protect what's yours - no one else will! You have one chance to get this right... at one of the hardest times in your life, you have to be the smartest and make decisions that will have a bearing on the rest of your life! Love the kiddoes and let them love you - but, remember that they'll all be out of the house soon and then it will just be you! Take care of yourself! Keep it together now and do what you have to do - and then, take the time to grieve your marriage later! You can be Silly Putty later on - but right now, you have to be tough as nails!

I'll be praying for you and your kiddoes!!! He's gonna' see you through this! He loves you and has your future in the palm of His hand!


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## jessimeredith (Sep 12, 2004)

Been thinking of you all day Laura...you've gotten tons of great advice here. Just wanted to send you some cyber hugs.


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## StatHaldol (Sep 1, 2006)

bluemoonluck said:


> I've BTDT.... this is advice from the trenches :grouphug:
> 
> * Try to get his confession of infedeility in writing - email, text, whatever. He may come back later and claim he never said this and try to paint you as the bad guy in all this. If you've got it in writing, he can't do this.
> 
> ...


Excellent advice! Especially the part about getting a notebook and making detailed notes with dates and times!!! Keep track of everything you do and every credit card company, bank, and attorney you contact (dates and times called or mailed). Make a list of things you need to do and check them off as you do them. When you see an attorney, take your notebook and make detailed notes.
In a fragile emotional state, it's easy to forget or overlook things.

Godspeed in this situation. My prayers are with you.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I've been thinking of you today, too, Laura. (((hugs)))


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

Praying for you and your whole family, Laura.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

Along with that notebook, I found during the tornado aftermath, that a notebook of sheet protectors was excellent for putting documents in, small receipts, and such to keep up with, have at hand, and easy to flip through to get to the right one.


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## Trisha in WA (Sep 28, 2005)

ErinP said:


> I have no doubt whatsoever that you were caught by surprise. I'm not sure where that old ax comes from that the betrayed spouse "knows," but from my observation, it's pure BS. The betrayed spouse almost never knows.
> 
> I'm going to ask a question that doesn't seem to have been asked:
> Do you want to try to _save_ your marriage, Laura?
> ...


Excellent advice!!!!


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## beaglebiz (Aug 5, 2008)

Trisha in WA said:


> Excellent advice!!!!


The only problem with it, is he did not ask for forgiveness. He asked for a divorce, and has another woman. Kind of hard to fix a marriage when one person has decided they are out, and already has another woman. 

I really hope you are ok, and you have contacted a lawyer. I do know in PA if one person contests the divorce, it automatically becomes final after two years. PA is also a no-fault state, so it doesnt matter if there was infidelity or abuse or anything. Half to each spouse.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

beaglebiz said:


> The only problem with it, is he did not ask for forgiveness. He asked for a divorce, and has another woman. Kind of hard to fix a marriage when one person has decided they are out, and already has another woman.
> 
> I really hope you are ok, and you have contacted a lawyer. *I do know in PA if one person contests the divorce, it automatically becomes final after two years. * PA is also a no-fault state, so it doesnt matter if there was infidelity or abuse or anything. Half to each spouse.


"one person contests the divorce" or "one person does not contests the divorce"


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## beaglebiz (Aug 5, 2008)

If one person wishes to reconcile, they have the right to contest, or not agree to a divorce. If you contest, and the other person contiunues with the divorce, it becomes final two years after the date the divorce was filed. This happened with my best friend recently, and more recently, my brother in law. His ex wife decided not to contest, because there was no chance of reconciliation due to her infidelity. Their divorce went through in just a few months.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

beaglebiz said:


> The only problem with it, is he did not ask for forgiveness. He asked for a divorce, and has another woman. Kind of hard to fix a marriage when one person has decided they are out, and already has another woman.


Odd as it sounds, at this point, that's irrelevant. 

Affairs are often compared to addictions. People are getting the same type of "high" as well as not acting like themselves. 
That's the primary thing exposure does-- it brings that dirty, little secret that's been providing SO much joy to the wandering spouse, out into the open. And when that nasty, black secret is exposed to the light of day, it often withers up and dies. 
But right now, her husband is still getting a regular hit from his "special connection" with his girlfriend. This is something wonderful God gave him, undoubtedly. I would be my left arm that, at the moment, he _genuinely_ thinks he's doing nothing wrong. And Laura is probably looking at him wondering, "Who on earth IS this man??" because that's what addictions do to people.

Generally speaking, one of two things will happen when a couple tries to salvage a marriage that's been hit by an affair: either they eventually divorce because the wanderer refuses to give up the current girlfriend (or decides s/he _likes_ cheating and picks up with someone new) OR the marriage recovers and is stronger than before. 

Despite what it looks like, the ball really _is_ in Laura's court at the moment. IF she wants it, she has a shot. She hasn't even had a chance to try, yet. 
But, again, she might not want to. And truly, there's nothing shameful in that either.


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## Shrarvrs88 (May 8, 2010)

Oh my gosh. I have net read the whole thread, but infidelity is horrible. Get checked for STD's, and make sure to set yourself up witha lawyer. My mom has been through this more times than I care to recall, and she usually ended up really screwed...she even lost her house over it once. 

I second not bashing him to your kids at all. My mom didn't, and I was able to see himm for what he was instead of defending him against her, but I have seen people do that to each other and it was awful for the kids. I know they are basically adults now, but they are still your kids. I can't even fathom why he would tell your girls those things....if you agree with counseling, it would probably be good for all involved if you could swing it.


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## TJN66 (Aug 29, 2004)

Thinking about you today. I hope you and your children are ok.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


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## peri_simmons (Apr 9, 2005)

:grouphug:BTDT......This is almost exactly my story when my DD was 2 years old. , 

Bluemoonluck is the best info so far. If he told your kids what he wanted. believe him. Protect your kids and yourself. I too was blindsided as you were. MY ex died a few years ago of heart failure and left my dd his only child, nothing. The woman he cheated me with took everything, dd got his ashes in a cardboard. box @ [email protected] the time of his death, she is still traumatized.

Be as brave.


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## Maggie (May 12, 2002)

Laura~
I don't have any ideas, except to Keep Looking Up. The Lord is here for you and your family. I've been thinking about you since your first post, prayers for you and your children.


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

My Mom really got a lot out of a divorce recvovery group years ago. It was also free then, not sure about now...

http://www.divorcecare.org/

They helped her sift through her feelings and get a fresh start.


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## Ohio Rusty (Jan 18, 2008)

Tell him Goodbye, Goodluck and Good Riddence !! Then tell him he is replaceable in 24 hours .... Then you go on with your life making it better getting rid of the excess baggage that has been holding you back for all these years.
Put his winky-butt out immediately. If he has an issue with that, have the sheriff remove him from your premises.
No sense in dragging it out for nicety sake ... it is done ...so be done with the problem. It's just like putting out the trash ...... Same difference.

Ohio Rusty ><>


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## Sunbee (Sep 30, 2008)

There is a forum called talkaboutmarriage which has what seems to me to be really good advice on this subject. You might browse there a bit. They have subforums on what to do with an affair.


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## foaly (Jan 14, 2008)

Laura, I am so very sorry. I am walking this same path with you.

Fye upon these men who destroy their families in pursuit of other women!!!! :flame:


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## campfiregirl (Mar 1, 2011)

I'm hoping you have already called an attorney! It's been over 8 years, but there are a few lessons learned I won't forget:

* even though my ex said it was "all his fault" and he was SO sorry, he forgot how sorry he was when splitting assets. YOU are a nice person and will try to play fair, HE will NOT. DO NOT assume he will be fair. DO NOT back down from your fair share. DO listen to your attorney, and get one now. They deal with divorces every day, and they DO know what they are talking about, and yes your ex WILL do the underhanded things the attorney says he will do. If he hasn't thought of them, his attorney WILL.

* When you get tired and don't want to fight for yourself, fight for your kids. Your ex will let his feelings about wanting to end the marriage cloud his responsibility to his children, and he won't think about how his actions will affect them, so think like a mama bear and protect your cubs. 

* When this process is getting you down, put up a mental stop sign and choose to not let his negative actions and words have an affect on you. Notice I said "choose"; it is your choice to let him control your emotions, as hard as it is  That was some of the best advice I received. 

* Spend a lot of time on your knees with your hands folded and let the Lord be your husband. He will comfort you if you allow Him to. :kissy:


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

Oh my goodness! Laura, I JUST happened to pop in to HT and see this post. You're my favorite other lady on this forum and I'm almost sick to my stomach for you. I will be praying heavily for you and your situation. If I know anything about you, it is that your faith is strong and I know you'll be in our Lord's hand during this time. I am thinking of you and equally mortified that you are having to go through this.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

you know that country song out "she let herself go" or something like that?

Well it's about this woman who gets cheated on and gets left behind so instead of crying about it she turned it into a good thing by "letting herself go" and do all the things she couldn't do while married...travel, hobbies, etc, etc...life her way.


Do what you have to do but a real man would not leave his family like he did yours. You can do better....take care of yourself and your kids. You really don't need him.


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## kenworth (Feb 12, 2011)

There has been so much loving and good advice given here, and I can not contribute anymore to that category.

I'm only questioning what his motive was to reveal so much information to the kids. Sounds to me like he was looking for a way to add insult to injury, he could have just as well kept the private information to himself. Having said this, I would *NOT* trust him on anything, as it sounds like he is trying any method he has to emotionally damage you.

Again, a BTDT situation, it never turns out well. Only God and time can truly heal the broken heart. Hugs and Love to you and your kids.


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## bee (May 12, 2002)

This thread was her last post 3 days ago..has anyone heard from HER????


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I wish she would post. I am really worried about her. I'm still praying for you Laura.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

AR Cattails said:


> I wish she would post. I am really worried about her. I'm still praying for you Laura.


I agree :cowboy:


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## charisma (Nov 13, 2007)

Praying for you Laura.


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## melissa78 (Oct 14, 2010)

One other piece of advice, be VERY careful if you must have any interaction with "her", even if it is just happening to be in the same public place (i.e. store, etc). Telling her in no uncertain terms what will happen if she ever interacts with your kids, etc, will not go well for you in the end. BTDT....


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

AR Cattails said:


> I wish she would post. I am really worried about her. I'm still praying for you Laura.


I've been keeping an eye on this thread and I'm hoping that Laura is too busy getting her ducks in a row to post!


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

Ardie/WI said:


> I've been keeping an eye on this thread and I'm hoping that Laura is too busy getting her ducks in a row to post!


I'm concerned, too - still praying for Laura and her whole family.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Thank you for your prayers, please. keep them coming
the emotional roller coaster from hell is horrifying.
i have no control.
i have not eaten. i had to leave work early because i melted down. i cant sleep more than 3 hours. i am so overwhelmed. 5 acres to cut. put the house up for sale. get an attorney. they all want 2-3 k up front... go to work. clean, pack do what i must to make thehouse showable. run damage control for my girls her and my son 4.5 hours away. 

the perversion is devestating. the things he has told me, his thoughts, the porn, adultrey, 

i cant think straight......trying to stay survival focused and I ccan focus on nothing....i am blinded with pain.....deception.....violated.

cleaned out the bedroom. freecycled everything. pack his stuff up out of the bedroom and told him to take it. he did. so I have a clean room. its a start.
gonna call a friend to store my precious stuff (scrapbook/photos of the kids)

dont know what to do with all my preps in the basement.....showing the house.....everyone will see.......Jesus help me


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## scooter (Mar 31, 2008)

Jesus will help you. Hugs from afar!


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## nduetime (Dec 15, 2005)

Take a deep breath and breathe...He is there with you and will not leave your side.

Do not listen to anymore from your husband. He does not have to share every perverted detail with you and you do not have to listen to it. Make that clear to him. 

Take care of yourself and be especially careful right now while you are distracted and exhausted. This is when foklks start to have accidents due to carelessness or their health begins to fail. Try to force yourself to eat three healthy meals a day and take a vitamin as well. Drink plenty of water.Lay down and rest, even if you cannot sleep.

Know that He is looking out for you and loves you so very much. Also know that many here are praying for you and your family and care about you.


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

God will help you and we will pray every single day for you. 

You don't have to listen to your estranged spouse. Since he is out of the house, cut off contact. He made his bed, let him share his mess with the mistress.

If necessary, ditch your cell and get a cheap pay-per-minute phone to stay in touch. Sign up for a different email. Cut the landline or change the number. Change all passwords. Don't forget to password protect your home computer network/wifi - "hide" it (can't be seen by a laptop cruising round the block) and use a strong password for access.

Protect your precious energy while you survive this initial onslaught.

Get that attorney! Any money you spend on a truly good and aggressive divorce attorney now will be at least as much money in the bank later. And a good attorney who is worth the money will help you prioritize and not waste your precious energy.

You've been dealt a cruel blow and it sounds like you are thinking more clearly than you believe.

Keep moving but please get an attorney to limit the potential financial damage.

Right now the emotional is overwhelming - understandably! - but in just a few months you'll be kicking yourself if you don't act aggressively to defend your material interests.

I know you can do it. God will give you what you need.


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## Calico Katie (Sep 12, 2003)

Right now your mental health is as important - maybe even more important - than your physical health. Many of us know that feeling of horror and humiliation that clamps onto your stomach and won't let go. You are not alone. Keep telling yourself that. You need someone outside your family to talk to. Do you have a good friend to confide in? A pastor's wife, a counselor at work, someone who can listen so that you can let some of that poison out? It is so important. Otherwise, you'll end up saying things to your children that you will probably regret. They need to see you as the strong mother they're familiar with.

Praying for you to overcome this first devastating blow so that you can take charge. This is your TEOTWAWKI. I'm so very sorry. Bless you and your children.


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

Whoa nelly!
You have been making some mighty big decisions too quickly and without a straight head.

Why are you selling your house? Is that the best decision to make? Did your soon to be ex tell you to?? What did your lawyer say about that?

Stop. Immediately. Sit down. Eat. Take time off from work. Sleep. Even if you have to take a benadryl to do so... heck..take 2. That'll do it.

Stop packing the house. Talk to your lawyer. Change the phones etc.. Refuse all contact with the DH (donkey's heinie) except through your attorney.

Your Donkey's Heinie has the advantage right now. He is not sleep deprived. He is not flipping out. He is eating well.

You are losing adn losing badly if you do not get a hold of yourself and take charge. Immediate charge of your life.

So what that he looked at porn and cheated on you. That is not the issue at the moment. That is officially in the past. Put it behind to be dealt with later. Get strong.


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## naturelover (Jun 6, 2006)

What Chickenista said.

STOP


Stop now!!

You are NOT thinking clearly. You are in panic mode, not in survival mode.

Sit down, take a breather, get a grip on yourself. Go see your doctor, get a prescription for tranquilizers or something but stop rushing head first into panic mode as you are doing now or it will only mean your doom. Your world has not just come to an end.

.


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## InHisName (Jan 26, 2006)

Praying for you, Laura, everyday since your first post.


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

Laura, I'm checking in with you again. I am praying for you.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

Laura - you do really need to STOP and just talk to the lawyer. You may not have to sell the property, depends on your state and finances.

Keep asking other lawyers - I had to sell a piano to get the down payment to my divorce. But call legal aide or battered woman's shelters for advice and help.

But, you are out of control, and freaking - you need to get some anger stress hurt energy out of you - 

But, please stop right now - talk to at least the women's shelter if you can do nothing else, they can give you some steps to follow and possibly recommend a lawyer that might be able to work out payments with you.

Please try to get some sleep. And everything you've listed - it could be worse.
I know you cannot believe that now - but we care.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

You are definitely not alone Laura. My heart is hurting for you so badly having been through the same thing. Time will heal. For now take care of yourself and just do what you have to do. You are still in my prayers hon.


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

Please stop. Do not make one more decision until you've had food and rest and consulted an attorney. You do not have to sell the house today or tomorrow. You do not need to pack beyond removing your soon to be ex's things from your space. You do not have to be his mother confessor. You do not have to communicate with him period. 

Sit down in a chair, close your eyes, hang your arms down to your sides. Lift your shoulders, then relax them and take a deep breath. Exhale slowly. Repeat. Then exhale, exhale, exhale then slowly breath in again. Clear your mind. Go take a hot bath, then go to bed. Do not allow a single thought of anything unpleasant enter your mind. Block those thoughts by focusing on your favorite Bible verse or hymn over and over until you fall asleep. 

The problems will be much easier to deal with when you are rested. But remember YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT NOW. It can wait. Food, sleep, work, lawyer before you make any decision.


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## Pearl B (Sep 27, 2008)

Laura what Chikenista & Naturelover said.

You've suffered a serious injury, maybe not physical, none the less,take care of yourself accordingly and slowdown.
Do you have built up vacation time at work? Now would be a good time to use it if you can.
Now might be a good time to find a self-support group. Either through your church, or a 12 step type program. Any place where you can find a group of women who are and have gone through this. Call your church friends too.

Why the rush to sell the house? Who's idea is it? Ask yourself why is he telling you anything beyond, he wants a divorce due to the infidelity. It sounds to me like he is trying to wound you on purpose. My suspicious nature wonders if he is doing it on purpose to get you as far off balance as possible, to take advantage of you.Maybe he has a friend to ready to buy it at rock bottom prices & re-sell to him. So slow down. Don't sign over the house,or make any other financial decisions so quickly.

If you can get a day or two off, use it to get a good lawyer. Go through every number in the phone book if you have too. If you can find a support group you might find someone who knows a good lawyer as well.

As for the preps, rent a small storage unit somewhere and put them there till things get settled.

You have been in my thoughts and prayers since you posted this.We are all here for you as well.
God is with you,and will not let you down. Maybe its a good thing this happened now. If things get rough in this country, its critical to know who is with you and who isn't. Be glad to be free of dead weight and the deception.

You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers daily.


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

If you cannot afford an attorney check with legal aide. If you make too much for legal aide check with the bar association. When I got divorced I got an attorney for a very low fee by a referral from the bar association. They had a special deal with a low retainer for people who didn't qualify for legal aide. It's worth a try.

Praying for you.


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## whiskeylivewire (May 27, 2009)

Laura-I am so so sorry and I understand you wanting to rid of everything quickly. You need to take care of you now(and I know this is hard to hear, and hard to do, but you just GOT to) and talk to a lawyer.

It is no reflection on you, his issues. I've been there and that is one thing I had to learn. It was HIS perversion not MINE. 

Bless you, sweetie.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

i cant stay. it's too much. too expensive. i could never afford it or be able to upkeep it myself. its too expensive. it has to go. i cant sleep. when will this searing pain stop.


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## Pearl B (Sep 27, 2008)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> i cant stay. it's too much. too expensive. i could never afford it or be able to upkeep it myself. its too expensive. it has to go. i cant sleep. when will this searing pain stop.


It's going to hurt for awhile.Its going to be an emotional roller coaster. I wish I could tell you otherwise. That's why I strongly suggest getting in touch with a support group.

The house will work it's self out. When its time to sell, that will happen. For the next few weeks take it easy.


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

When being forced into a divorce, stock up on as much ready cash as possible and if your spouse has not already lawyer'd up, consult with as many of the best divorce attorneys in your area even if you already have the best attorney chosen .

The reason to consult with as many of the divorce attorney "top 5" in your area is to reduce your soon to be ex' legal rep options as most state bars seem to agree that if a divorce attorney initially consults with one party , ethically they shouldn't consult with or represent the other party and usually they don't.

I was lucky in my divorce and my ex just moved out to shack up and told me if I wanted a divorce I could pay for it if I wanted so although I had a father/daughter firm in mind that my family had used for various legal matters and called them for an appointment I also took face to face cost comparison consults with the three other high rated firms in our area before my petition filing to hopefully limit my stbx legal rep options if needed.

You also do not want to post many personal details on line as most attorneys utilize data mining in preparing cases.

So check with an attorney or three and try to have some ready cash on hand,


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## naturelover (Jun 6, 2006)

Shrek posted some very good advice, and this in particular is very important:


Shrek said:


> You also do not want to post many personal details on line as most attorneys utilize data mining in preparing cases.


.


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## wvstuck (Sep 19, 2008)

Dear Lord,

We come to you today in prayer, thanking you for all your goodness and the mercy you have extended to us. We thank you for the food you provide, the clothing on our backs and a the places you have provided for us to lay our weary heads each night. The blessings you provide are so often more than we deserve.

We come to you in prayer today for a friend of ours, Laura. We ask that you send the hold spirit to comfort her and help her through this deep time of trouble in her life. We ask that you show your great and powerful mercy and provide her with the ability to hold up during this crisis in her life. We so humbly ask that you send peace to be with her as she struggles to see clearly through the evils her husband has brought into her home, and the destruction he is laying on the family. 

We also ask that you open his eyes to the mistakes he has made and continues to make. We ask that you become visible to him and that he might understand the errors he is making. We pray that this situation can work it's way through without Laura suffering anymore.

Lord we ask that the lawyers and other folks Laura will encounter on this path will do the right things and for the right reasons and we ask that you help her find peace once again in your loving arms. We ask that you guide her every step and keep her and her family safe as things unfold. We know that life on this earth is temporary and is a mere stepping stone to eternity with you. Please help Laura deal with the things she must deal with in these trying days. We know that the sins committed here are not her sins and we ask that you clearly show her the light she must now follow.

These things we ask in your holy name, Through Jesus Christ...

Amen


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## bourbonred (Feb 27, 2008)

Amen, and Amen. 
Let God hold ya', Laura. Let him hide you and protect you. Lean on Him alone. Pamela


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

AngieM2 said:


> Laura - you do really need to STOP and just talk to the lawyer. You may not have to sell the property, depends on your state and finances.
> 
> Keep asking other lawyers - I had to sell a piano to get the down payment to my divorce. But call legal aide or battered woman's shelters for advice and help.
> 
> ...


What Angie said.


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## belladulcinea (Jun 21, 2006)

You are in reaction mode! It's intense and searing but it makes you feel useful and stops the stuff in your head until you are exhausted, can't sleep and the cycle begins again. Alot of people when faced with type of thing are in panic mode, they have wrecks and harm themselves accidently because they are not aware of what they are doing. Sit still for a moment and really really look at the situation!

You need to sell the house....OK, does it have to be done now? Don't do it in haste, can't make the house payments? HE needs to be doing it. Tell him to make the house payment, that if he wants out he has to pay for it! If you don't make a payment or 2 it's ok, let it go for right now! 

Please get a lawyer and start legal seperation proceeding now so that you are covered financially and ask to have him pay your costs. Do you have a friend IRL that can help you? Are you kids old enough and able to help you go to the lawyers?


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

Until you can get some sleep and start eating you should not be making decisions or letting someone force you into doing so. I&#8217;ve worked in the legal field for close to 30 years. Time after time I&#8217;ve seen clients stressed out of their minds before talking with the attorney come out of his office with a completely different look on their faces. Just knowing what your rights are and what you should and should not do will help you tremendously.

SEE AN ATTORNEY IMMEDIATELY. THEY WILL ADVISE YOU AND TAKE A LOT OF THE STRESS OFF YOUR SHOULDERS. 

I&#8217;m assuming the house is held jointly with you jointly responsible for the mortgage. Tell your soon to be ex that he needs to keep up the payments on the mortgage until the house can be sold. You will prepare the house for sale and do what necessary for it to show well. 

You need to either find a way to unwind or you&#8217;re going to snap. If you cannot do it on your own, go to your doctor. You need to be healthy physically and mentally to move on and that is really your first priority. Remember if you snap nothing will get done. Take care of yourself first and the rest will all work out in time.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

wvstuck said:


> Dear Lord,
> 
> We come to you today in prayer, thanking you for all your goodness and the mercy you have extended to us. We thank you for the food you provide, the clothing on our backs and a the places you have provided for us to lay our weary heads each night. The blessings you provide are so often more than we deserve.
> 
> ...



Amen.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

What an amazing collection of people you are.
For everyone praying, thank you, please, feel free to put me on your churches prayer list. My name is Laura.
For those of you, and there were MANY, who PMed me with your phone numbers....I am totally blown out of the water. Thank you, thank you. 
I received a phone number from a woman whom is my polar opposite, never expected it in a MILLION years.....yet her compassion, raises to the top of the sky and further.
I am so blown away. Thank you.
Today was a bad day....had to leave work, had to take tomorrow off...thoughts of self destruction....it's better now.
Picked up shingles out of the yard. Picked up some misc. trash. 
gonna try tomorrow to do something...

Thank you so much.


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> What an amazing collection of people you are.
> For everyone praying, thank you, please, feel free to put me on your churches prayer list. My name is Laura.
> For those of you, and there were MANY, who PMed me with your phone numbers....I am totally blown out of the water. Thank you, thank you.
> I received a phone number from a woman whom is my polar opposite, never expected it in a MILLION years.....yet her compassion, raises to the top of the sky and further.
> ...


Usually, in these types of situations, the best thing to do is to take it one day at the time. And remember that tomorrow is another day. Just make sure you eat and get plenty of rest.


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## InHisName (Jan 26, 2006)

Tonight is prayer meeting, you'll be on the list-


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## Sherrynboo (Mar 19, 2005)

Praying for you Laura  So sorry you are having to deal with this but you will come out stronger on the other side. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you will. The sooner you get an attorney the better. 

Sherry in GA


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## Maggie (May 12, 2002)

Praying for you, yet, Laura. "One day at a time, Sweet Jesus."


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

Hang in there, and stop..take a breath. I have been there done it got the shirt..etc..etc. Please..take this to heart. Do not move yet. Make this man pay the bills awhile and let you just un-wind. He needs to suffer the rewards of his lack of discretion and moral compass. Let him pay for the house bills and his own bills also. You need to catch up with things and get to feeling better. I have always been the type of person who will move if he wanted his freedom. Even if it left my kids with no home. It is not good. You can call me anytime day or night if you want, better to have people you don't know from adam as to feel alone and in pain. Just remember, you are not alone we are all pulling for you and praying that you can get through this with your head and heart held high.


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## ne prairiemama (Jan 30, 2010)

Oh Laura  We're praying for you here!! I'm so sorry, so so sorry  You will get through this with the help of the Lord. We are all here for you too. Please try to take care of yourself. I'll pm you my # too.


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

Thinking about you Laura. I know this may not be the time for this advice but honestly you will need to get over being hurt and get a little angry and think about what is best for *you* in this situation. He is obviously only thinking about himself and what he wants. Hang in there and don't let this define you.


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## Wags (Jun 2, 2002)

Take time to breath, and don't make any decisions. When I got divorced 19 years ago I left everything behind in an attempt to break free as quickly as possible. It didn't make the break any easier or swifter it just left me in the hole when starting over. 

It will take time to get through this betrayal. And I won't sugar coat how hard it will be emotional and financially, but lean on caring family and friends, let them know you are hurting and get yourself a very good attorney and don't act except on their advice.


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

Laura - praying for you every single day, many times.


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## FourDeuce (Jun 27, 2002)

One BIG thing to remember is that you're not alone and don't have to handle everything by yourself. Aside from the people you have nearby, you have plenty of people available here, too.:kung:


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Breath Laura, if needed go find a private area and cry, just cry let all them emotions out.
The house is not priority at this point in time. Allow yourself to mourn, after all, this is a loss your hurting. And you seem to be in shock, and just going in circles.
Give yourself time to grieve.

This will allow you to get mad and procede with a more logical stance on things.

My thoughts are with you sweetie.


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## Blu3duk (Jun 2, 2002)

i am just now reading this thread... been busy with life and well better a day late than never....
"I read you thought of self destruction, and need to relate a happening of last night, due to divorce a lady moved back to town with her 2 kids 4 and 14, this year and her folks are nieghbors, they went on a cruise this week, and she decided to call my wife yesterday afternoon and hae the 4 yr old stay with us over night..... long story shrt it did not ring right with me as she called here asking for my wife and didnt sound right, and my wife said she was kind of like on drugs.. so i sent her back over and sure enough the lady ahd tried to go sideways and left a note, the doc saud a few more minutes and she would no longer be among the living..... ALL BECAUSE OF DIVORCE ...... come on life is what it is and we go on when we get to a rough spot, everything happens for a reason, even though we dont like the reason or the outcome sometimes.

Self destruction may end the pain you are experiencing at the time, or it may compound the pain to a later date, but it will be painful to those who surround you and still know and love and care about you.... it is still your choice but there are consequences that reach far beyond that choice.... and the survival of those you leave behind if your attempt at self destruction is successful.

Putting others into the midst of such turmoil is not right either, i am VERY EXTREMELY happy that i made my wife go back over and see what was up, for these kids still have a mom among the living because of that action..... but it was still the wrong way going about asking my wife's help... 

I pray that your self destruction idea was just a fluttering thought and that you will in no way walk that path, for there are folks here and there who have survived the ordeal as has been said many times over..... you are not the first or the last to have such a thing happen in your life, and your life will continue on the path set forth by Almighty God..... 

Everything in life really does happen for a reason, we sometimes have to accept that we can not figger out the reason why, but accept that fact just the same until realization of why one day comes to us.

Stay sane, stay focused, stay healthy, go out into the woods where ya think no one is around and shout your anger at the top of your lungs..... it will do ya wonders.....

William
Idaho


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## beaglebiz (Aug 5, 2008)

Still praying for you Laura.


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## hsmom2four (Oct 13, 2008)

Laura, I just saw this thread (was on vacation with no intenet access). I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have no advice put I just stopped and said a prayer for you and I will think about you and pray for you every day. 

You will get through this. You're life is forever changed but you will survive. 

Cheryl


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## homebody (Jan 24, 2005)

I contemplated suicide once over a divorce. Just could not see any decent future ahead. The words of a friend still echo in my ears "and this too, will pass " (That time period passed and several other bad times since then)

When I very seldom think of that (happened almost 30 years ago) I thank God that the other woman took the trash away from me. Ironically, he has run around on her, also, many times. Reckon she got paid back, if she ever found out. IDK&IDC And thank God I am 400-500 miles from all my past mistakes so don't have to "see" them. LOL

Since we know that our future is in His hands and nothing happens to a child of God by accident, we can be sure that He cares for us and wants to give us good gifts. There is something better down the road, hold fast to Him, lean on that everlasting arm. Praying for you every day.


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

Laura

You do *NOT* have to 'afford the place' on your own - He still has responsibilites -- just because he decided to play around does not give him the right to skip out on his *LEGAL responsibilites*. you MUST get a lawyer. Beg, borrow or sell something if you must to get the retainer -- But do it, don't put it off.

He stuck it to you emotionally, well you need to stick it to him financially - alimony, child support all can be used to pay the bills.

Believe it or not it does get better, but unfortunatly it does take time -- BTDT


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

Trinity3 said:


> *Ask yourself why is he telling you anything beyond, he wants a divorce due to the infidelity. It sounds to me like he is trying to wound you on purpose. My suspicious nature wonders if he is doing it on purpose to get you as far off balance as possible, to take advantage of you. *Maybe he has a friend to ready to buy it at rock bottom prices & re-sell to him. So slow down. Don't sign over the house,or make any other financial decisions so quickly.
> 
> If you can get a day or two off, use it to get a good lawyer.


Laura, I agree with Trinity3 on this.

It sounds to me as though your husband knows exactly which of your panic buttons to push to drive you over the edge of mental stability ..... and it sounds like you're responding in panic in accordance with his devious plan.

Maybe he wants you to attempt to commit suicide, or to go off your nut so much that he can have you declared an unfit mother or of unsound mind and have you institutionalized. 

It would save him a lot of trouble and money in contested divorce proceedings, legal responsibilities, alimony and child support if he can torment you enough with his lurid details and your own fears for yourself for the future so that you end up doing things that are very irrational or unsafe. Then he could be quickly rid of you, keep the house and move his doxie into your home and have her take over your home, your life, your family.

Is that what you want? I think it's time you stop feeling sorry for yourself and get angry with the way he is manipulating your emotional mind and your reactions. Stop worrying about whether or not you can afford to keep the house and stop thinking about the betrayal and the lurid details that he's told you about. He's telling you all that stuff to hurt you so that you will dwell on it and all your own internal pain and so you won't think straight, and that is mental abuse.

Get angry. Get rational. Get even. Go see a lawyer.


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

One more thing .... on the subject of mental abuse. In everything I've read of your few posts here there are indications of mental abuse happening. Mental abuse is one of the aspects of domestic abuse. If you are a victim of domestic abuse or even an unwary participant in domestic abuse yourself you might not even realize it. Which in your case I think maybe there's been some abuse going on and you may not have realized it until just recently. 

This is something that a divorce lawyer will ask you about and want to discuss with you and help you with. It's important to look at this because it's something your husband's divorce lawyer will be asking him about you too to see if he can make a case against you for your husbands adultry. Your lawyer will want to know the same thing about your husband (and you) in this regard. 

I think you need to examine your family and its relationship dynamics and see if you recognize any of the following indications as things that have been occuring in your home. Not only by or against your husband but also by or against you and any members of the children. 

Here is a very informative page with a comprenensive list of signs and explanations of the various types of domestic abuse. I hope you will read the whole page through and if you recognize any signs here, they are things you MUST bring up with a divorce lawyer:

*Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships* 
*http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm*


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## nwbound (Aug 20, 2006)

this is going to be short and to the point. I hardly ever post. PRAY. I agree with the logic of a lawyer and stuff but please put all your faith in God and let him direct you.


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## indypartridge (Oct 26, 2004)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> i cant stay. it's too much. too expensive. i could never afford it or be able to upkeep it myself. its too expensive. it has to go.


Perhaps down the road it may be sold, but not now. As everyone else has said, talk to a lawyer. Assuming that property is held jointly, he cannot just walk out on payments. A lawyer will tell you what rights you have financially. If you've been a stay-at-home mom & wife, then he may have to pay alimony for certain number of years. 

Even if you hope/pray/think there may be reconciliation in the future, you need a lawyer to arrange a legal separation so that he can't stick you with the household bills while he has his fling.

Protect yourself. Protect your kids. Get a lawyer immediately.


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## tab (Aug 20, 2002)

No man is worth hurting yourself over, sleep, eat and breathe. You have gotten some good advice. Hugs to you and your children.


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

Still praying.


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## wildwanderer (Mar 2, 2004)

No advice just sending you good thoughts and prayers...Take care of yourself. - Thea


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Laura
As someone who worked in domestic relations as a paralegal for many years, please take the advice people here have been giving regarding attorneys.

shop for an attorney - see the top 5-7 in your area. Go for a free consult, usually they will spend 15-20 minutes with you and listen to your case. Don't hire the first one you go see. Shop for an attorney the same way you would shop for a new doctor..ask family for recommendations, ask your friends, your minister etc. if you do not know of one.

Have a list of questions prepared so that you don't forget what to ask - trust me, many clients would make an appointment and we would "help" them remember what they were there for. 

Cost is NOT a factor in choosing an attorney -there are horrible 500/hr. attorneys and horrible 100/hr. attorneys. Some attorneys operate on flat rate scales - i.e. $5,000 retainer covers so many hours, etc. Take a notebook with you, make notes during your consultation regarding fees, what the attorney requires (check stubs, tax records, etc.).

Please do this for your own sake. Get a trusted friend or relative to go with with you.

This is important. Do not react to your husband. Tell him that you do not wish to discuss anything with him period. Run everything through your attorney. EVERYTHING. He wants X, tell him "call my attorney, Mr. So and So." Email him the attorney's name, address and phone number and tell him to contact him/her for anything he requires in the future.

I have seen spouses do some really nasty things to one another. It is far better in your circumstance to not deal with your husband at this point.

Take each day as it comes. One day at a time. Don't worry about the house payment, your attorney should press him to make the house payment especially if he has been making it in the past.

another note - get thee to the bank asap and transfer money out of joint checking/savings (at least half if you want to be fair) to an account solely in YOUR name. Otherwise he might wipe out all the cash. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. I can't say that enough. 

Divorce is ugly, ugly, ugly even non contested divorces are ugly. What your husband is doing is making you react and in a not so good for you way. Don't allow him to do that. Hang up the phone if he calls, or don't answer. Do not discuss with your children as they will be placed in the middle and will feel like they have to "choose" sides. They will come to their own conclusions regarding who did what to whom and when. 

Please take care of Laura, your own needs must come first. It will get easier over time but that first year is going to be hard. Praying for you that you overcome this rough road and come out the other side stronger and more self reliant.


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

sidepasser said:


> shop for an attorney - see the top 5-7 in your area.


While I understand and usually would agree with this advice I am not sure she is in the frame of mind to do a lot of comparison shopping right now.
I would get recommendations from friends or family that have been through a divorce and maybe interview 2 or 3 if possible.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Yes attorney shopping is hard, but by consulting with at least the top five in the area, it limits HIS choices to those that are left as once consulted, whether hired or not, the attorney will generally not take on her spouse.

That is a tactic to find an attorney you can live with and will be comfortable with as well as to get the best of the best in a given area "off limits" to the spouse.

It is a tactic designed to give one the best advantage in an ugly situation whether one is mentally prepared or not, one has to do what one can to limit the damage to one's finances as well as preserve one's sanity during the process.


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

Laura - still praying! Every single day, several times a day.


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## AverageJo (Sep 24, 2010)

You're hurting, which is totally understandable under your circumstances. HOWEVER, no matter how bad it seems right now, it is NOT, and I repeat ... NOT, a reason to do physical or mental harm to yourself. Stop talking or listening to "the hiney" and start talking and listening to "HIM". He will guide you and will walk right along side you every step of the way. Stop feeling sad and beaten, it's time to get ANGRY at "the hiney". Turn that grief around. NOW. When you feel down and out, think of someone who's got it worse than you do. Think of the parents of a child with cancer and their grief. There are a lot of folks that have more pain but are getting through it by leaning on friends, family and the Lord. Give yourself that kick in the grits to set your mind right. Know you have a lot of folks out here praying for you.


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## momof2 (Mar 28, 2003)

PLEASE listen to *Sidepasser* and do what she is suggesting! I wish that I had her guiding me through mine and I would be in a different place right now. YOU are not responsible for everything... he doesn't get to just walk away. I let mine do that and I really regret it!!! PLEASE get a GOOD lawyer and do what he says!!!!


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## thaiblue12 (Feb 14, 2007)

I normally do not read this section, or ST, book reviews and etc but since being stuck at home with my car at an idiot mechanic I have read other areas, I do not begin to understand SE&P but I have been reading this thread and I might have missed it but did anyone suggest the most important thing......... couseling. 

Yes him telling the girls was a scummy thing to do, the entire thing sucks but you are doing your girls and yourself a disservice with your current behavior. You are not functioning well, not sleeping, not eating and etc. They might be older but your behavior is effecting them as well I am sure. It may also shape how they think they need to handle martial problems. 
Would you want your girls to act like their world was coming to an end if their marriage went bad or would you want them to be strong and handle it as best as possible?
I bet they are hurting about their dad and now they see their mom spiraling downward and it is making it even worse. So even if you are saying you do not know how you are going to go on, well look at your girls, pull up you boot straps and go on. 

You do not need a man in your life to make you whole and complete. You can be strong for yourself and your girls or you can allow him to ruin your life and wallow in self pity. Only you can make you happy, you cannot rely on others to do so. 

He is not worth your life, he is not worth your happiness. But I will say do not badmouth him to the girls even if they do so to you. It is hard not to but they will remember it and in time might resent you for it. My mom did this about my dad and I still do recall most of it. It was bitter and beneath her. 

Who cares if people see the stuff in your basement. Who cares if they think you are hoarding, as long as they buy the house. 

Yes get a lawyer and protect yourself. Yes if you cannot afford the house sell it, but not everything has to happen at the speed you are going at. YOu can find a lawyer in the next 30 days, you can put up the house for sale in the next few months. 

If you do not trust or believe in counseling, then talk to your church person, join a group in your area where others have been through something similar. Stop letting it effect you to the extent that it is. 
Get yourself help and do it now. I am not trying to be harsh but the things you have written in this thread seem like you have given up on your life and you need to pull yourself together.


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## Forest (Oct 14, 2010)

Laura, I'm praying for calm and strength for you. 

This, too, shall pass.


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## lathermaker (May 7, 2010)

Been there, done that. First thing you do even before getting a lawyer is go clean out your Bank accounts. As soon as the Bank opens. Don't worry about leaving a little share there for him. He's out screwing around and could be bringing you home all kinds of nasty diseases. Get yourself checked out pronto.

Put your emotions aside for the time being. You can do your worrying later. Now is the time to be down to the bone Practical. Take care of you first. 

Are you are still in the house? Change the locks.

I'm sorry you are going through all this. But, you'll come out of it a lot stronger person.


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## manygoatsnmore (Feb 12, 2005)

Laura, please post and let us know how you are doing. There are a lot of us here that care very much about you and want to help you get through this. If you are even THINKING about doing yourself harm, please get help, right away. Your family needs you, whole and healthy. You absolutely MUST take care of yourself, so you can care for them. You've been on my mind and my heart, and I hope you are taking the good advice here. One day, one minute, one BREATH at a time, honey. You can do it.


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## Zipporah (Jul 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry.Prayers.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Thank you for your thoughts, suggestions and prayers....
Prayers, were heard and answered.
I choose God, and I choose His Ways. His yoke, is light.
You are an amazing collection of people......I can't say that enough. I treasure your prayers.
I will be away from this site for a while.....lots of work to do that will require my full attention. I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know, how much I appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you thank you so very very much!


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

You cannot go wrong with God's ways! I will continue to pray for you and your family every day.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

Prayers for you and the situation. Drop by when you can.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

That is such a great post Laura. Please do stop by when you can. I'll still be praying for you.

ETA: I just saw your post in the bible forum. Didn't realize you had reconciled. I'm glad you two are working on your marriage.


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## Guest (Oct 12, 2011)

Prayers being said for you Laura..


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## belladulcinea (Jun 21, 2006)

Have anyone heard from Laura? I'm wondering how she's doing.


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## ladybug (Aug 18, 2002)

I'm so sorry, mine did the same 3 years ago (I have 4 children), and I know it is tough. The best advice I can give is to sit down and start planning how you can do things without him there and lots of prayer. I know it is tough and I feel for you, it is like a knife to the heart to be betrayed in such a way. I pray you and your children will be comforted and will find a way through this soon.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I think I made a mistake.......please forgive me. :Bawling:
I hope you will continue to give your advice to those who didn't listen the first time you gave it, and give them a second chance. :hammer:


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

No Need to ask for forgiveness. You should be Proud that you are not a Quitter.


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## Sonshine (Jul 27, 2007)

Hang in there Laura. You are never alone.


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## Pelenaka (Jul 27, 2007)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I think I made a mistake.......please forgive me. :Bawling:
> I hope you will continue to give your advice to those who didn't listen the first time you gave it, and give them a second chance. :hammer:


Laura, as someone else wrote no shame in NOT being a quitter. When I was pregnant with my 3rd child hubby had a change of heart on our marriage. We worked through it sorta, then went on to have another child before I finally came to my senses & cut my losses 4 years later. 
Do I regret the extra time(effort)I put in ? No. 

Here's to not walking away. :buds:


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## Guest (Mar 20, 2012)

Hugs..I'm so sorry Laura!


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## unregistered41671 (Dec 29, 2009)

Laura, it will get better. I know. I have read many of your posts on other threads and know that you are one strong Christian woman. My ex said she did not love me anymore back in 1985. We have a child. She was 2 at the time. I thought the world was ending but it didn't. I married another woman 25 years ago. Time does heal deep wounds. Trust in your Savior.


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## belladulcinea (Jun 21, 2006)

If this means you and dh are going to work on your marriage I will be praying that it works out for you! Better to do all you can to save your marriage than to regret leaving it too soon.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

Whoa!!! Slow down. What is this about selling the house? This sort of thing does not happen over night. Your lawyers will discuss the house situation along with the other stuff. If you both own the house then a balance will be brought forth. If one person chooses to keep the house, then that person will owe one half of the _equity_ of the house to the other person. On down the road you will get a person to appraise the house. Once there is a value on the house, you look at how much has already been put into it so you can see how much is half. In other words, if the house is worth $200,000, he doesn't get $100,000, he gets half of the _equity_ in the house. If neither of you wants the house then it will be put on the market and you split any profit.

Stop cleaning the house. If you are leaving it to him, he can clean it. You don't owe it to the other woman to leave her a clean house. If you have kicked him out, the two of you have to keep paying the mortgage until all things are sorted out. I agree that it is a good idea to get things you love out of the house right away, but you don't have to move.


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## justincase (Jul 16, 2011)

been where yoiu are, first pray then call lawyers you wil find one who will talk and verify what I am going to tell you to do, get teh cash out of the bank SURVIVSL you are entitled to hald think eddie murphy"HALF EDDIE" open up your own account hire an attorney and then bury yourself in prepping. If you had lil ones I would tell you to immerse yourself in them but now prep. Play some good angry music, anyone tells ya to sing hymns has not been thier. Find your strenght in God. Keep busy and LOVE your children more now then ever they are older but still NEED you. Never say anything bad about thier dad, they will side with you the more you keep provate about how you really feel. I know you are scared, angry sad an a host of other feelings but stay focused do not miss yuour goal keeping you and yoiur kids safe and happy. Take extra good care of yourself, vitamins sleep ( hey advil PM helped me when I needed it) it is OK to cry, exercise (just a walkfor a few minutes) and I know it seems sill now but do a lil something nice for yourself, a haircut or something inexpensive but help you to feel pretty. Had this happen to me too honey and I wish I could pick up teh phone and lend you a shoulder or even two. Be of good courage and although it does not seem like it God never gives you more than you can handle. I lnow you do not know me but I will pray for you. God Bless you and your kids. Dp npt lose faith. Thier is a blesssing in this it is always hard to see this when you are in it but God has something better for you, and God will ahve something for that cheating lous too, and it will NOT be a blessing....God bless and TAKE CARE


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## fetch33 (Jan 15, 2010)

I regards to the preps... storage unit, paid in cash, perhaps under another name.


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