# Extended family troubles in HS



## northprairiegir (Apr 11, 2008)

My mom called this afternoon to warn me that my aunt from SD is coming this weekend for a two week visit. She is a recently retired elementary school teacher. I have not talked to her since we pulled the kids out of PS after Christmas - but I know through my mom and grandmother that my aunt does not support our decsion to homeschool and has been very vocal about it to them. She told my mom this morning that when she is here visiting (she will spend most of the time with my grandma) she wants to visit with me to "talk me out of homeschooling this fall." She told mom that she thinks homeschooling is boarderline child abuse because we are cheating the kids out of so much. I am almost sick to my stomach thinking about her coming. Please pray for me that I will be able to stand up to her! Any other advise on how to handle this would be appreciated!


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

How about, "I know you don't agree with what we're doing, but they are not your children -- they are mine -- and I will raise them the way I see fit, and without interference from you or anyone else. If you cannot accept that, then please, don't bother coming over, because I have nothing more to say on the subject."

Make sure your DH is standing beside you as you say this.

If she insists, tell her to leave (or not come in the first place) and then sit down and have a clear conversation with your children about respect for the decisions that others make about their lives. Use it as a learning opportunity 

As a last resort, "It's none of your business, so please butt out!" -- you can't get much clearer than that!

There isn't much I detest more than bossy older relatives who use their (limited) exposure to education as an intimidation tactic to undermine the decisions that a family makes in raising their children. My sister has tried this crap with me -- and don't even get me started on my MIL -- but the day I let them push me around when it comes to decisions about my children is the day *I* call CPS and tell them to come and pick them up!


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

Tracy Rimmer said:


> How about, "I know you don't agree with what we're doing, but they are not your children -- they are mine -- and I will raise them the way I see fit, and without interference from you or anyone else. If you cannot accept that, then please, don't bother coming over, because I have nothing more to say on the subject."
> 
> Make sure your DH is standing beside you as you say this.
> 
> ...


 I was going to say something similar to this. 

"Aunt so-and-so, our decision is made. If you would like to come without trying to persuade us, you are welcome to come. The topic is not open for discussion. Otherwise, you may not come over and I will not visit you at Grandma's house. If you come and break your promise not to discuss it, you will be asked to leave or I will leave if we are not at my home." 
(But then I am in a FOWL mood today!)

Cindyc.


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## Becka (Mar 15, 2008)

Your kids are your responsibility, not hers. When our extended families first squawked about our decision to homeschool, I reminded them that God had entrusted our children's care to us, and we took that job very seriously. We had prayed about the decision and felt it was the right thing for us to do. 
I also reminded them that WE were the ones who taught our kids to talk, to walk, to go potty, etc. and we are quite capable of extending that education to reading, writing and arithmetic! 

Kindly stand your ground, and don't let her intimidate you.


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## MorningGlory (Feb 20, 2008)

I wouldn't let this woman come near me or my children, if I were you. She is not going to change her mind, and just be abusive to you and the kids by badgering you over the subject. I would tell her and the rest of your family in no uncertain terms that she is not welcome and that you have no time for anyone who can't live and let live when it comes to your own life. She has no authority over you. Don't even give her space to try to think she does. Absolutely do not let her talk to your kids. Lord only knows what she will put in their heads before she leaves.


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## ShyAnne (Jun 18, 2008)

I am sorry your going through this.:angel:

You can remind her that missing out is a good thing! 
I dont mind my children missing out on daily peer pressure, exposure to illegal drugs, underage drinking, teen violence, premarital sex, and so on!


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## Cheryl in SD (Apr 22, 2005)

This is interesting. My expeerience with retired teacher has been the opposite. They are wonderfully supportive. They have encouraged me every step of the way and given me help and support. I guess I would tell her you are striving to be the ultimate in supportive parents.  

Calmly let her know your answers to her objections. If she persists change the conversation and pass the bean dip. Do you have curriculum yet? Are you excited about your plans? Have you found activities for the kids to be involved in? What an exciting time for you. Don't be afraid to let your excitment and joy over your decision show.


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## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

I think it boils down to what kind of relationship do you have with this Aunt? Is she someone you anly see at weddings and funerals? If so, tell her to butt out as politly as possible. DH and you looked at all the options, and this one is best for your family, PERIOD.

If she is someone you want to have a close relationship with and want to see at "un-official" times, then you may need to sit down and explain to her that you and DH made the decision based on you families needs and that the wonderful thing about it is you have the choice. No one can tell you how to educate your children. If she would like to spend 15 (set a time limit!) minutes in conversation with you (conversation NOT lecture) you will help her to see why you made the decision you did, but it is your decision, and she doesn't have to like it, just respect it. Let her know up front you are not trying to change her mind, just willing to address *some* of her concerns.

There are many wonderful articles on the net about why homeschooling is good. Have a handful with you that she can take away and read later if she would like to become more informed. I second the idea of having DH with you if possible, tag teaming is always good.


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## Callieslamb (Feb 27, 2007)

so sorry this is an issue in your family. I feel your pain. My family doesn't agree with my decision either, but they don't say much about it to my face now. You might want to make sure the aunt is truly so adamantly against your homeschooling before you react. The story might be a bit stretched out of proportion. If it were my family, it would be. 

But, if she were to come over with the agenda of talking you out of homeschooling....I wouldn't let her come either. No one needs that kind of stress in their home. No one. It is your home and you get to make the decisions that happen there. You pick the color of your own paint - so to speak. 

My mom wonders why I do it. I only have one little guy at home and it would be SO much easier to just send him to school so I could be home alone all day.....DM is an educator as is a sister. When they mention just how much my DS might be missing - I agree! He is missing out on a lot! Learning how to fight, how to smoke, how to have sex, learning how to not learn a thing, not getting chosen as the best dressed, etc....he is really missing out! And I handily have many of the things we have done in school available for my family to see and get the idea that we do a lot of things that larger groups of kids can't do. 

Prayers sent for you!


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## northprairiegir (Apr 11, 2008)

I am about half sick this morning. The kids and I have been franticly working the last 4 days - cleaning house, organizing and getting "prepared" for her visit. I was up most of the night last night thinking of everything else I have to do. Woke up this morning and thought to myself - "Why am I doing this?" I mean why am I letting her get me so upset with worry before she even gets here? This is just silly I know no matter how good things look when she gets here - it won't be good enough - so I am just going to say - whatever and let it roll off my back. (As hard as that may be.) Can I come and hid out at any of your houses for a while!?!


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## Cheryl in SD (Apr 22, 2005)

Sure, come on down. We even have a camper for friends to use. 

Do your best at getting things looking nice. Then remember, it is your house, if you have to, ask others to leave. You are doing the best you can for your children, others should honor that and if they don't it is their problem, not yours.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Well, I'm probably only a few hours away from you, depending where on the border you are.... you're more than welcome to come on up and hide out here. But that isn't going to help for next time.

I know that it's really, really hard to stand up to family, but you need to. It sounds to me like she's always been a pushy, bossy person, even before you chose to home educate, if your reaction to her visit is anything to go by.

Honestly, I don't know a single homeschooling mother who has not faced this particular problem, on some level, at some time, with some family member, but part of being a GREAT parent is sticking up for your choices, however unpopular, as to how you raise your kids. That goes for ALL parents, not just home educating families.

Ask yourself this: The home educating aside, what am I teaching my children when I allow this woman, who hasn't even ARRIVED yet, to get this response from me? What am I teaching my kids when I let her intimidate me, to turn me into the quivering mass of nerves who is fearful of a visit?

That is what it took for me to make a stand in my own family. I never wanted my kids to see me kneel to someone simply because they were louder, ruder, or pushier than I was. 

I'll be praying HARD for you -- you *DO* have what it takes to tell this woman to back off, that your children are yours to raise, and her opinion is understood, but any ongoing haranguing of you will not be tolerated.

You may get some flak from it, but honestly, if it's allowed to continue, it will only get worse.


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## northprairiegir (Apr 11, 2008)

Thanks for the encouragement ladies! I know that I need to stand up for our decsion because I really do feel it is what is best for our children and our family. Aunt ---- has always just been kind of the "bully" of the family and has taken our decsion to homeschool as a personal insult since she has spent most of her adult life devoted to the public school system. (I don't really understand that comment - but that is what she said.) I was going to try to hurry and paint the kitchen before she gets here - but I think I am just going to focus on having a relaxing day tomorrow before she gets here on Sunday! 

Totally OT - but Cheryl - how far are you from Watertown? The kids and are going there for the fiber fair they have in Sept. (I have a booth.) Have you ever gone?


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

Glad you are feeling better. Glad you didn't paint the kitchen, too.  The first time is usually the hardest. After that, it gets a bit easier. 

Cindyc.


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## Cheryl in SD (Apr 22, 2005)

We are in the Black Hills (right in the middle of them) so we are at the other end of the state from Watertown. I am glad you are doing better today.


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## belladulcinea (Jun 21, 2006)

Have her talk to the hand and repeat as necessary, "it's not up for discussion".


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## heather (May 13, 2002)

how'd it go?


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## northprairiegir (Apr 11, 2008)

Well - she was suppost to be here today (Monday) but she ended up coming on Saturday. Things went about how I expected. She talked - I listened - in the end I told her that this was our descion and we based it on what we feel is best for the kids and our family. I also told her that I understood how she felt - but told her that PS in SD must be better than in ND! That kind of made her laugh - and then she said she had noticed a farm for sale just a few miles from her place!  I just let that comment go! All in all - I think that the conversation went pretty well. The girls got to play together and I finally got to explain to her why we took the kids out of school and I think that made a HUGE difference!


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Good 

It's always encouraging to hear of situations like these that end with little or no bloodshed


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## heather (May 13, 2002)

glad to hear it went okay - I got to worrying for you!! ha!


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## northprairiegir (Apr 11, 2008)

Well Tracy - it didn't say there wasn't any bloodshed! LOL Only a few tears! But all is well and I think we both came away with a better understanding of one another's positions.


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

Glad to hear you all got through it. 

Cindyc.


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