# help with an angry mamma bear moment



## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

I have a group of about 30 homeschoolers over to my house every week. There are about 6 teens who do history and literature studies together. One family is leaving, so next year that leaves my kids and one other family (in the teen group). Well, this other family's teens are so angry about not being in public school that the level of animosity towards me (as if that is my fault) has been really bad over the last few years. I am actually OK with that. I can be the adult and realize that it's not about me, it's about what is going on at home. I put up with the fact that she never does her work, and will manipulate her mom to get out of class as often as possible. I can deal with that her sister sits in class and texts and has to have the phone taken away, then looks at me the next week with venomous looks because she is still mad about it. But yesterday, my daughter was positively encouraging the first girl by saying, "You're going to be a senior next year, right? That's cool!" This girl, in my house, to my daughter said, "Yes, and after that, I will never have to see you again!" Mind you, it's not just us... She is ugly to another family that comes that isn't "cool" enough for her, that is too "homeschool-ish". 
I'm... beyond mad. To be hurtful to me - I'm a grown up, and I'm just not gonna let that work. There really isn't anything she can do to me that will hurt me. But to be deliberately nasty to my daughter, when none of this has anything to do with her... That's just... 
I am ready to cancel the teen group. I can do lit discussions with my own kids without the bad attitudes. I already know when I have this discussion with the mom, it isn't going to go well. The daughter will just burst into tears and get what she wants. The only reason I would even think of meeting again is because there is one daughter in this family that really thrives in this group, who works hard and who tries and is a delight to have. I don't think the mom will bring just her, though.

Help me figure out how to handle this, because I can't do what I want to do, which is to LOUDLY unload the verbal guns against this girl for being so ugly and hurtful to my daughter.

Cindyc.


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## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

In your shoes I'd dis-band the teen group if the talk with the mom goes as you expect. If you aren't going to get any support from the parents, the behavior not going to improve. Why expose your kids to that nastiness.


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## joyfulheart (Mar 26, 2009)

yeah, I would have called the mom and told her to pick her kid up.

NUMBER ONE RULE during school-- NO ATTITUDE! NO EXCEPTIONS!

they can have attitude at THEIR House, under their rules, but not mine.


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

joyfulheart said:


> yeah, I would have called the mom and told her to pick her kid up.
> 
> NUMBER ONE RULE during school-- NO ATTITUDE! NO EXCEPTIONS!
> 
> they can have attitude at THEIR House, under their rules, but not mine.


Yea, the mom was here just in a different room. This didn't happen in class. I should clarify that. They fly just under the radar screen in class. Nonetheless, her meanness is getting to be a problem. She tells my kids, "I HATE southern accents." (We are from the south). And "I hate country music" (or whatever else my kids are saying that they happen to like at the time.) But this is the first time she made it clearly personal... that she never wants to see my kids again in specific after graduation. 

I told my kids not to worry about her, that if a person is capable of spewing such fowl things, that is really not about the person they are talking to, that's about the person saying it. But it still hurt my daughter.

Cindy


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## Our Little Farm (Apr 26, 2010)

I would go into the other room and ask the mom to get her children and leave. Tell all that you will not accept bullying/nasty behavior in any shape or form in your house and if anyone has a problem with this rule, they need to leave too.

What was meant to be, will be.


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## mekasmom (Jan 19, 2010)

I would do two things---
Speak to the Mom. Offer love and support, but just explain there is an issue and you cannot have nastiness being aimed at any of the kids from any other kid. Pray with her, let her cry, be angry or whatever, but don't let the kid come back until the attitude is gone. Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. You don't need that polluting the lives of the other kids in your group. You are responsible for them all. You are not a babysitter to cowtow to a spoiled, angry teenager who doesn't know how to walk in love.

Speak to your kids. Encourage them to pray for this girl whose heart is so wounded and so hard. Encourage them to love this girl because the Word of God tells us that Love never fails. And talk about the behavior, why it is not allowed in your home, how important discipline (aka discipling) is for parents to give to their children. Tell them that in the future when they have their own children, you hope they will remember this girl who was not discipled and taught how to behave toward others. This is a learning experience for your kids, not just a "turn the other cheek" learning experience, but learning how important it is to be good parents to their own children, to teach their own children how to behave correctly.


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## jamala (May 4, 2007)

Your home, tell the mom that unless she can change daughters attitude then she can't come back! I had to do this at our homeschool co-op this year and it was not easy. The girls parents did support me and that helped but it is tuff. Praying for you.


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

Tell the mom you are tired of her kids taking their anger out on you and your children. They are guests in your home and if they cannot be civil to others they are not welcome. 

I told dh's sister-in-law that very thing about 18 years ago. She still isn't speaking to me. But that's ok because she is just full of vindictive spiteful nastiness and life is too short to have to endure people like that.


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

Well, I decided to only speak to the Mom about the one incident of the nasty thing her daughter said - for now. I am not sure that was the right thing to do. But I was really, really, really angry so that was a way to keep fences around what I said. L! Also, it was clear, objective, and factual, not my interpretation of anything going on. The Mom said that her daughter's behavior was "in no way acceptable" and that she and her husband would "deal with it." 

But this is where it got weird the last time we had a problem. The way they "deal with it" is to justify it. Which only makes things worse. This girl is really good at manipulating her mother, and turning on the water-works, and making her behavior about something or somebody else.

Sigh... I asked my very level headed kids, (at least more level headed than me about this) and they said that they wanted to still do group next year, b/c they only had one more year to have to deal with her and the rest of the family is pleasant enough. I suppose that is true. The other sister in question does not act badly when her older sister is not around to encourage it. Believe it or not, there are 6 more kids -younger than these two -who are actually an asset to the group. So, long term, this might be good thinking on the part of my kids. =0)

All the same, I hope it doesn't come down to my having to disinvite this girl from the group, but it might. I can't have someone showing that kind of animosity toward my kids in their own home. That is just unacceptable.

Thanks for the input. I really appreciate it. It gave me things to think about. It gave me time to calm down at least enough to know that I did nothing to ecalate the situation. 

FWIW,
Cindyc.


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## ajaxlucy (Jul 18, 2004)

You've said that the girl doesn't want to be homeschooled at all, and that her hostility spill over onto you, your kids, and the class. Is it possible to give the rudest girl a choice? To ask her if she wants to be there, and allow her to be elsewhere if she doesn't? Since her mom was in another room in your house at the time, could that daughter stay with her instead? Probably neither of them would be happy with that arrangement, but that would be their problem, not yours.

The girl might want to stay with the group AND be rude and surly, but I don't see why you're under any obligation to allow that. The public school classrooms I volunteer in don't allow that; why would homeschool classes?

After I wrote that last sentence, I realize one reason why your situation is different: you have to deal with group dynamics of whole families, parents & kids, not just the students. I hope it works out.


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

ajaxlucy said:


> You've said that the girl doesn't want to be homeschooled at all, and that her hostility spill over onto you, your kids, and the class. Is it possible to give the rudest girl a choice? To ask her if she wants to be there, and allow her to be elsewhere if she doesn't? Since her mom was in another room in your house at the time, could that daughter stay with her instead? Probably neither of them would be happy with that arrangement, but that would be their problem, not yours.
> 
> The girl might want to stay with the group AND be rude and surly, but I don't see why you're under any obligation to allow that. The public school classrooms I volunteer in don't allow that; why would homeschool classes?
> 
> After I wrote that last sentence, I realize one reason why your situation is different: you have to deal with group dynamics of whole families, parents & kids, not just the students. I hope it works out.


Thanks. =0) Yea, I hope it works out too. I don't get to decide if she is homeschooled or not. I have sent her out of the class once this year. Her mother, as some public school mothers would also do, called me and justified her daughter's behavior. It did not go well. We have one more week, plus the end of the year thing, and then I don't have to see her all summer. Perhaps we both just need a break. If she is ugly next year, I will send her out again. I guess if the mom can't live with that standard, then she can choose not to participate. 

Cindyc.


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## cmharris6002 (Jan 27, 2006)

Perhaps you can head off trouble next year by setting some ground rules for behavior. If the rules are broken consequences could range from leaving the room to group suspension. I'm sure the other mothers would agree you don't have to teach any children that don't want to be there. Maybe you could all work together to develop new class rules? In situations that tend to be emotional, I find a formal approach works best.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

cindy-e said:


> I have a group of about 30 homeschoolers over to my house every week. There are about 6 teens who do history and literature studies together. One family is leaving, so next year that leaves my kids and one other family (in the teen group).
> *
> Well, this other family's teens are so angry about not being in public school that the level of animosity towards me (as if that is my fault) has been really bad over the last few years.*
> 
> ...


Understand that this girl is angry. Something, has made her very very angry.
Maybe she's just a spoiled brat.
Maybe she's been abused.
Maybe she's demon Possessed.

She is full of hate and rage towards your family, because she is envious.....there is something very wrong with her living situation......IMHO

Honesty is the way to deal with this.
Sit down with the mother, and daughter and explain WHY you teach, HOW you teach and WHAT your expectations of the students are and that due to the enormous amount of distraction that "sally" (or whatever her name is) brings, you can no longer permit her in class. 

Do not bring one ounce of emotion into this. Be very straight forward and matter of fact.

As far as that girl being a snot to your daughter.....the world is OVER FLOWING with people, just like her. Tell your daughter that what she said means nothing, that it is just anger from the evil one spewing venom. It is NOT a true reflection of who she really is.

(This is one reason why we as a home schooling family didn't do home school groups.....however, I am seriously looking into one for my daughters senior year......now I am a little leery........oy!)


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