# A horrible misunderstanding



## Guest (Jun 14, 2012)

I woke up in the middle of the night to the unmistakable sound of a rabbit being taken by an owl. horrible screaming, almost like a baby. Blood curdling. I had several thoughts, concurrently:
1. I know he came out of my garden, and it served him right.
2. I've had a .22 propped up there for a while, I figured one day I'd get the rabbit and I'd be eating him, instead of the owl eating him.
3. Always makes me think about Hannibal Lecter. "Brave Clarice. You will let me know when those rabbits stop screaming, won't you?" 

and, most importantly
4. The last time I heard that same sound:
Some time ago, I had a woman coming over, I told her I had made some bread, and she ask if she could bring something to make sandwiches. I told her, "I got eggs, I will make egg salad" Well, she didn't want egg salad. I was thinking "You're not gonna be eating all my extra sharp cheddar cheese," but I didn't say it out loud, because I've learned women don't like you to keep things from them. Especially cheese. So, she brought some ham. Not country ham, like I'm used to, but some kind of fancy deli ham. 
Well, she had her ham, I ate some too, just to be polite. I was thinking, "I wonder if I chop this up, make a big ole omelet with some poke salad and extra sharp cheddar cheese, and cover it with salsa, could I improve on the taste of this stuff?" I didn't say that out loud either, because if somebody likes their ham, it's not up to me to tell them its flavorless. 

Anyway, a week or so later, I happened to notice that the ham was sitting in the refrigerator, so, that was a good excuse for me to call her up. I did, and was telling her about "hey, your ham is still in the refrigerator. I'm about to make some more bread, maybe you could come around and we'll do it all over again" That kind of stuff. And she said, "I'm never coming over there again, ya busker!" So, thinking fast, I asked "Well, uhh, what do you want me to do with your ham?" And she had a suggestion that made absolutely no sense to me at all. Crazy, just crazy. 

So, I fried up the ham, along with some eggs and extra sharp cheddar cheese and covered it with salsa. It was pretty dang good. About the time that all got settled down good, somebody pulled in the driveway, and lo and behold, it was that very same woman. So, I go out there, get her past the dogs and all, in the house, on the couch, offer her a glass of wine. Small talk. "I thought you were never going to come over again?" (a bad maneuver on my part since many women don't much like to be reminded that they did something exactly opposite of what they said they were going to do.) 

"Oh, that was my "other personality" she smiled. OK. I'm not even remotely surprised. I mean, I've been around that a lot. Still, it is a little unnerving, especially when you get accused of cheating with the other personality. Been there, too. 
So, one thing led to another and eventually she's looking in the fridge for her ham. "Where's the ham?" 
Thinking real fast, I told her, "I took your advice". She was like "For real" I said, "yeah, and it was cold too, and not a bit of fun. Yep, I went outside in the cold and stuck the ham under the doghouse, where the sun never shines. Just like you told me" She was looking all confused and I could tell that she was flipping back into her alternate personality. "So, what made you decide to never come back, like you said?" I ask the alternate. 

I was afraid you were falling in love with me" she answered. I was like "Huh?" and she said, "You said "I love this stuff!!!" " So, I was thinking, she don't remember what we did!!! So I told her, "Yea, I was talking about that ham you brought, I meant that I loved the ham!"

"Really?" she asked. "You loved the ham more than you loved the sex??? You busker!!! I'm never coming back here again!" 
"So, can we have the sex again before you go? Or at least a ham sandwich?" Then she explained that stick the ham where the sun don't shine did not mean under the doghouse. Well, I'm not going to be doing that, you can bet your bottom dollar. Dang looney.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Only you LOL lol.


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## whodunit (Mar 29, 2004)

Are you a writer?


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2012)

I don't think so. All I know is that if you shift your perspective slightly, you get a much more lucid view of the reality around you. Slightly outside yourself, so that you see the cracks in your own makeup, but not so far you can't feel your own emotions.


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

I keep rabbits as a test for my personal safety. If she makes rabbit stew I wack her over head with shovel an feed her to the pigs. If she dosnt then I wack her over head with shovel an feed her to pigs. Better safe then sorry I always say.


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2012)

I thought you always said "Better shaved than scarry" I was always thinking "What the heck does that mean?" I really need to get a new phone.


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

Well that to! I got lots of things I say.


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2012)

I used to say "No ******* ****" but it sounded like I was stuttering real bad. Now I say "No asterisk to the 7th power, space, asterisk to the 4th power" instead. Makes me look real intellectual, and all.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

i just came in from the garden after working myself into oblivion and i'm laughing my head off but i dont know why because i dont understand half of it but that's okay cause i needed the laugh today. ~Georgia.


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

whodunit said:


> Are you a writer?


No, but he drinks his own wine.


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2012)

I gather the woman was bipolar. I mean, I think it's OK that she goes both ways. But with bears??? That's just wrong.


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## Judy in IN (Nov 28, 2003)

Georgia, I ALWAYS open up a Zong thread first thing. 

Rarely am I disappointed! :icecream:


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

RUN.



She's crazy.


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

She dosnt get in trouble at the zoo for that. Where's raven 12 with her pita friends


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

Run with bears that's just silly everyone knows it's the devil.


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

Least that's David told me


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

I had this one chick I was trying to pick up so I went up to bar an said u got any grapes she said no so I left bit being pestsistent I came back next night an said got any grapes she said no! But being that I knew it was fate or divine intervention serendipity what ever stalker excuse u wanna use I went back 3rd night an asked her got any grapes she said no werido I don't have any grapes if u ask agin I'll nail your feet to floor. So at this point I know she's really intersed in me cause she knows people call me werido all the time an she wants me close to her cause of the nails. So night number 4 I go in an ask her got any nails she says no I say got a hammer she says no so I say got any grapes? An the rest is history


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2012)

Hey the thread is back, but I'll never be the same. After the shame of it all.


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2012)

maverickxxx said:


> I had this one chick I was trying to pick up so I went up to bar an said u got any grapes she said no so I left bit being pestsistent I came back next night an said got any grapes she said no! But being that I knew it was fate or divine intervention serendipity what ever stalker excuse u wanna use I went back 3rd night an asked her got any grapes she said no werido I don't have any grapes if u ask agin I'll nail your feet to floor. So at this point I know she's really intersed in me cause she knows people call me werido all the time an she wants me close to her cause of the nails. So night number 4 I go in an ask her got any nails she says no I say got a hammer she says no so I say got any grapes? An the rest is history


It's good when you are in a committed relationship like that.


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## netexan (Jan 3, 2008)

I feel your pain. Perhaps since you've had similar circumstances you can give me some advice.
Several years ago I had a gal tell me, and I quote; "Don't call me for a few days, I need time to think." The next morning my phone rang and right after "hello" I recieved a mighty cussin' out for not calling then the phone went dead. So being an intelligent fellow and assuming "Don't call" applied to both of us so she could really settle down and "think" properly I promptly changed my number.
So my question is thus, it will be 12 years come July; do you reckon I should call or do you think she still needs more time?


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

Well in my experiences women have never liked magazine subscriptions as a gift


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

I usually only pay for a year


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## netexan (Jan 3, 2008)

Tell me about it, I just thought Field and Stream would be a bit mean spirited.


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## naturelover (Jun 6, 2006)

Zong, I noticed over the past few days you've got a count-down happening under your name. So what's up with the count-down - what's happening in 6 (whatever)?

.


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## naturelover (Jun 6, 2006)

Judy in IN said:


> Georgia, I ALWAYS open up a Zong thread first thing.
> 
> Rarely am I disappointed! :icecream:


Me too! :happy2:

.


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## NewGround (Dec 19, 2010)

naturelover said:


> Zong, I noticed over the past few days you've got a count-down happening under your name. So what's up with the count-down - what's happening in 6 (whatever)?
> 
> .


Actually I think he's done now... 

He's just looking for the right woman to have his 6... 

Of course she has her own 6 but Mr. Z would be looking after that for her... A little 6 in the morning, a little in the afternoon and a little 6 in the evening...


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

No, I'm counting down to the summer solstice. An instant in time that is clearly defined, but rarely understood in popular culture. As an analogy, I'd give "birth" without the understanding of conception, nor pregnancy.


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

netexan said:


> .....So my question is thus, it will be 12 years come July; do you reckon I should call or do you think she still needs more time?




I think she needs a bit more time.



Few more years, then you can think about it.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

If you're over a hundred, 12 years is a little chancy. I'd check to see if she was still interested in "that" way. Ask for pics and send me a copy. On the other hand, women under 90 are famous for being flighty and superfluous. Have your mail forwarded to me, and send me a picture so I'll recognize her. I'll get you out of this mess, buddy!!! I'm there for you. If you was to happen to send me a few bucks, as a token of your gratitude, why, we'll be even more better best friends!!! As if that's possible!


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## netexan (Jan 3, 2008)

Thanks, Malamute. It's a load off of my mind, I'll think I'll try again in 2025 for the 25th anniversary. Might earn me a few brownie points for remembering the date. Or not.


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## netexan (Jan 3, 2008)

'preciate it Zong. The checks in the mail! I knew I could count on you to get me out of this mess.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

I'm gonna show her a really good time, a really good time. And I'll give your name. First thing though, I'll take her to see my lawyer "Whiplash" Mahoney, to get her will updated. hey, I work hard for the money. Ya know?? In the grand scheme of things, one guys enjoys himself to death, one old gal dies for the same exact moment in time. I didn't make the rules. I just spent weeks looking for the loopholes. Well, actually seconds. Goofle and all.....


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## netexan (Jan 3, 2008)

I just hope you make it through, all the needin' time and all can come at really bad moments. I'd hate to see that you'd passed from hard work and no money. If so I'll cancel the check and roast a pig in your honor for givin' it the ol' college try.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

I feel that somehow I should be offended. But a pig in my honor!!! I'm impressed!!! In case I don't survive the ordeal, remember, we all gotta go sometime. So, I'll send you a little homemade Barbecue sauce! Hey, they never sent nobody back for not doing it right. Ya Know??

ETA: Incidentally, Rae, if you go, don't try the barbecue sauce. I'll explain why in an auto-email. Just make it a vegetarian night, OK??


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## naturelover (Jun 6, 2006)

zong said:


> No, I'm counting down to the summer solstice. An instant in time that is clearly defined, but rarely understood in popular culture. As an analogy, I'd give "birth" without the understanding of conception, nor pregnancy.


Oh. Okay. And after that comes tummy-ache time for a month. Imbibe ye some ginger.

.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

zong said:


> ETA: Incidentally, Rae, if you go, don't try the barbecue sauce. I'll explain why in an auto-email. Just make it a vegetarian night, OK??


zong... thanks for the heads up. I've had a horror of barbecue sauce since I went dove hunting in Eloy, Arizona, because... well, it's better we don't go into that. I'll stick to the beans and artichokes.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Raeven said:


> zong... thanks for the heads up. I've had a horror of barbecue sauce since I went dove hunting in Eloy, Arizona, because... well, it's better we don't go into that. I'll stick to the beans and artichokes.


Hmmmm. Think Hannibal Lecter. Silence of the salsa.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

I can hear it screaming!! Gaaahhhh!!!

By the way, remember your friends when you have her update that will. Buddy. Ol' pal.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Did I say will?? I meant wheel. I'm working on a round thing, making it easier to push your car to the gas station.......


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

That could come in real handy if I'm ever homeless and stumble across a grocery cart. Thanks for thinking of the little people, zong.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Little People?? I mean, like I'm not prejudicial, regardless of my degree in prejudicial law. But, how little are you talking about?? I'm not gonna deal with anybody smaller than me. Bad enough I'm a pigmy of 6'3".
I'm not gonna put up with people making fun of me.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Yeesh, nothing gets past you!! Ok; I apologize for the backhanded insult. It was meant as a compliment, meaning you'd become so famous that you could leave the likes of us behind. We'll all be saying, "Oh, I knew him when he was looking for a tolerable woman and slummed around HT when he wasn't being productive on POF. We learned so much..."

I've heard some of the women here are little. Not me. I'm 5' 8".


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Ahhh, but only if you was chunky. I dig a chunky pigmy. I like 'em dumpy and grumpy. Of course, who don't???


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Hey, remember that time I ask you could you loan me a thousand dollars?? When you said "**** my ************* ***" was that actually a come on?? I mean, I would have.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

No, I really meant that part. I might be persuaded to have a flexible morality, however.  Especially if you would have.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Not only would I have, but that would have been my preference. I mean, you can have your cheesecake and eat it too.
So, like, uh...the thousand dollars?? is that a maybe??


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

I'll have to think about that like I'm suckin' on a Sugar Daddy. Take my time, I mean. I'm referring to the old fashioned candy of course. I shouldn't have to explain that.

But if you're good with cheesecake, that does change things. Sometimes.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

The "sucking on a sugar daddy" did me in. Send me a ticket to Boregon and a thousand bucks spending money and I'll be there before you know it. Or a plane ticket. Actually, I got a time machine in the barn, a thousand dollars of diesel, I'll be there yesterday.That "sucking on a sugar daddy" would never have been said. In public.

As you well know, I'm just trying to help. "Aahmm juss tryyyin to heyulp"


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Boregon?? Ok, that's a new one to me. You're right, we don't have regular snake fights and we've never heard of busking. We have retirement homes for chickens who have passed their prime laying years... we invent our own words and we're unapologetically liberal. I think you'd be homesick in a NC minute. Which is what... like 2 years?

The accent would take you far here, though. The ladiez just love a slow, lazy, southern drawl!

By the way, there really IS a Boring, Oregon. Also a town called Drain.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

So, the thousand dollars??? I'll cut you in to half the "accent" action.
Once again, throwing a snake on somebody isn't really a fight. It's more of an invitation to dance. Like, "do you want to slow dance, or had you rather kill me now?" kind of thing.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

This fixation on the thousand dollars is a bit unseemly. Accent or not, you're creeping me out a little. I'd be looking for a snake if I didn't live in Oregon. But, you know, they're very hard to find around here. At least in my part of the state.

Now, in the east... different thing.

We do know how to dance, though.

By the way... do you know how to dance with a snake? That's a talent!


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

thousand dollars is just to be sure you're not messing with me. If it bothers you, maybe you ain't the right one to market my talents. I mean, I've been offended so many times that I'm not easily offended. Sort of. I got a much different dance. We like to call it "the dance of death" in which you get really religious, then run through the briarpatch naked, blindfolded. Snakedancing is for girls!
As you know from my videos, a snake is like an enema. You know what it is, but you'd as soon not have it up your butt. No matter what the doctor says. Dam doctors.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Well, ya got me there. Marketing isn't really my strong suit. I'm sorry. This hurts me more than it's going to hurt you, and it about kills me to say it, but I'm not worthy of giving you a thousand dollars. No, really -- you need to find someone who is up to your standards!!

I'm a decent snake dancer, I'm told, not outstanding, but eager to improve. I'll keep working on that.

Meantime, I'll just pine for you from afar and keep hoarding my pennies in the laughable hope that one day, maybe I could measure up. I know you can hear me biting my lip as I say this.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Amateur!!!!! That's all I can say. If I hadn't given away those 8 IQ points, I'd say something in French. Or, Mr French, from the Jodie and Buffy show. Doesn't matter.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

LOL, ya should have given those IQ points to me, looks like!! I need 'em!! I do know my limitations. 

Please... say something in Portuguese...?? You should only need about 69 IQ points for that!!


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I never meant to be offensive. I'm impulsive like a child, you know? I could be the 61 year old love child you never had. With all the right fixations. So, how about 800 bucks?? Sorry, make that seven fifty. And I'll need a round trip ticket. In case you ain't the momma I always wanted.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

I could maybe spare $200. And you have to clean all the fish. How do you feel about Greyhound?


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Greyhound? It's OK, I guess but I'd as soon eat squirrel. I'm not nearly as particular as I let on to be, though. 200 bucks works. Do I got to split that with you?? I'm beginning to regret the 8 IQ points. I'm beginning to regret the 8 IQ points. Do I got to split that with you. Too? I kind of regret the 8 IQ points.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Sheesh, you just turned over 6,000 posts. Slow down there, hoss. 

Here's the $200... you can keep it all, no need to split it. I'm nice that way. Don't mind that it's pink. It's, umm, been in my purse for a long time.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Hey, is this email I got saying "I'll give you a hundred bucks to leave me alone. Signed Raeven" from one of your relatives or something? I mean, really, you need to talk to them. They just don't have your best interest at heart!!


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Now you're just being condescending. Make it 400, and I won't hate you when its over.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Hey, you remember that time? I've actually got hundreds of thousands more posts, but under my different ID's Anything from A to Q, or from S to Z.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Oh... that... sounds like my Aunt Nancy. She just hasn't been the same since she gave up being Uncle Chauncey. She's always fooling around that way.

But you know, now you mention it, might be because she thought she had an invitation to come visit some Beau Brummel in North Carolina who offered her the ham she'd left behind during another visit, only he said he wasn't that crazy about the sex. Turns out he was a busker, too.

Can you imagine??


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Hey, the sex was better than the ham. The ham sucked, though. Come to think of it, the sex was fantastic, I remember "I love this stuff" then something come over me. narcotics, perhaps. And when I said "I love this stuff" I was kinda implying that she and I had a future. Not my problem if she rejected that future for another round of "my Three ID's" 
God Knows I tried to love her. I didn't want to talk about this.

OK. I was completely in love with an insane woman. OK? happy now?? the biscuit was stark raving mad. And that worked for me.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Every biscuit needs her gravy. And you're a good dancer, I can tell.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

Yes, I dance around the truth all day and all night. My teacher called herself Miss Mr Bojangles. Wore plaid denim pants. She wasn't bad. At first.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

That's the next story I want to hear, about Miss Mr. Bojangles. Take your time.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Ok, zong, fun hanging with you as always... I gots to hang it up for tonight, though. Friends coming by to shoot tomorrow and I need my beauty sleep.  Thanks for giving me all the laughs -- and the $400 in pink money is in the mail.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

I'm gonna have to take my time, since its like 1:00 AM here. We got rules that normal people just don't understand. For instance, leaving a letter out of word and putting a couple of =='s randomly in the middle can get your license suspended for up to 28 years. Makes me want to put =='s everywhere. Anyway, Miss Mr Bojangles==== Thats a little trickier than I thought it would be. I mean, who knew?? except Mr Miss Bojangles. And he/she ain't talking. They had a simultaneous sex change transplant. It was the strangest operation I ever performed. Well, second strangest. The strangest was the llama/lama ego transplant. But I digress.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

I miss you already! and especially miss the $200. I've been checking paypal. Nothing.


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## SilverFlame819 (Aug 24, 2010)

I got lost at "rabbits"...

Clarice had lambs.

:shrug:


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