# So What is the Problem?



## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

Alright I had to see what he hub-ub was about so I joined POF. Been joined 24 hours and have a date. So what is the problem with getting a date for everyone?

I mean...I'm not exactly pretty ...so I know it's not like I have a jump on anyone else...if I can get a date...I reckon anyone can.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Way to go!


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Have you met your date yet? 

I don't have problems getting dates either. I ditched the online method and meet people the old fashioned way.


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

What do you mean, "I'm not exactly pretty", WhyNot? *I* think you rock!


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

Maybe some of us don't want a date :shrug:


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## acde (Jul 25, 2011)

Dating is another place where quality is more important than quantity. Hope you have a quality date.


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

PFFFFTT...not pretty....yea right.....your full of it...lol


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

Well Shy.... I guess I mean the ones who want one and talk every so often about not being able to get one.



Laura said:


> Have you met your date yet?
> 
> I don't have problems getting dates either. I ditched the online method and meet people the old fashioned way.


That's the clincher right there, isn't it? No I haven't but will this afternoon. I'm prepared to run LMAO. Technically I met him once already. He held the door open for me once going into a store a few weeks ago.

Ok...I guess I meant to say I'm really no prettier than the next gal...stop being concerned that I think I'm ugly, ya'll.


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## summerdaze (Jun 11, 2009)

I don't remember too many saying that they COULDN'T get a date...but both the horror AND hilarious stories came from actually MEETING those dates from POF.
Hope you have a "wow, I had a wonderful time" story!


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## rickfrosty (Jun 19, 2008)

WhyNot said:


> Alright I had to see what he hub-ub was about so I joined POF. Been joined 24 hours and have a date. So what is the problem with getting a date for everyone?
> 
> I mean...I'm not exactly pretty ...so I know it's not like I have a jump on anyone else...if I can get a date...I reckon anyone can.


For me one problem is I live out in the mtns. away from most of the gals on POF & people old enough to be interested in me are mostly not looking to relocate - ditto for Singletree.
Good on you though, hope you mesh w/POF date.
Another problem is most on there aren't really looking to homestead either, or heaven forbid getting ready for depression/3rd WW !?


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## JohnnyLee (Feb 13, 2011)

I never had too much of a problem with POF either, just the ones that I dated from there (last year before I swore off dating for a year) were nice, although not my proverbial cup of tea.

I have had a lot better luck on pay sites (in the past) especially Match.com, well except for a couple of noted loonies, but that is expected with any dating site.


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## homefire2007 (Sep 21, 2007)

Whynot, hope you have a great time. Hope he has laugh crinkles at the corners of his eyes...irresistable. Have a fun time and laugh a lot!!!!


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

summerdaze said:


> I don't remember too many saying that they COULDN'T get a date...but both the horror AND hilarious stories came from actually MEETING those dates from POF.
> Hope you have a "wow, I had a wonderful time" story!


That is it exactly in a nut shell. I have no problems getting asked out and do on a weekly basis. But I still went on POF because I have no ideas why, lol. And the stories I could tell you from the people I met because of POF, well lets just say my profile is off of there and I don't plan on rejoining. 

Going to stick to the old fashioned way my self and if today goes as planned I am meeting someone that was introduced to me from a good friend of mine. 

YOU ROCK girl, there is NOTHING wrong with the way you look and of course you are going to get guys asking you out. Enjoy your date and enjoy getting to know new friends from there.


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## lurnin2farm (Jun 10, 2012)

Congrats and GL on your date. 

I know that one day I'll be posting down here in the single section and there will be no one left to talk to ..


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

ha, I put a profile up for the hell of it, to mess with it--I put up my pic of me with candy corn up my nose for my photo(ie no glamor shot ha). And some crazy "about me" hippy dippy description. Never folowed through with anything, but there were a handful of people who dug the candy corn who sounded interesting, and then a lot from the dirt bike crowd, and then a handful of whacked kinky weirdos that REALLY dug the candy corn (uh, kwim?)

ANyways, it was a fun experiment to screw with it ha. 

Actually Why I think you'd like my favorite--a 30 something permie ******* crazy philospher, (Kinda reminded me of Nick haha!)

But yeah, I MUCH MUCH MUCH prefer real life, and knowing people as friends first. Or say knowing people "here" on ST for years.


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## farmgal (Nov 12, 2005)

It isnt about finding a date. More'so the date being truthful or even compatible. 

The last goofball I went a date with from pof pushed to meet me. I didnt want to meet until I knew him more. So he pushes for a month more. I finally meet him. His hair was standing straight up. He tells me, ya I need to get a hair cut. ok, you push me, but arent ready? Then the big scare. He smiles and has nothing but silver capped teeth. I wasnt sure what they were; as teeth are bigger than that. Unless he waited until there was nothing left of them to cap what was left. He posted a picture of himself from years before with a real smile. He was an idiot liar. Like dude, just be yourself. geeze. Why pretend, then SURPRISE! good grief...lol 

One before that, lived with his mommy and she paid for everything and he bragged soooo much and he really didnt have anything he worked for himself. Then he judged me. Um everything I own, I worked for. He was handed everything and threw hissy fits if he didnt get his way. OMG. And those type of people are never happy and never satisfied. Everything he talked about was from the negative perspective. Not a single passion. Then judge me for having passions, like gardening or trail riding. Doh'

Hope this guy is a keeper, whynot, as its sooo hard to find a good one these days... But, you have to be in to win. You have to meet dozens to have a chance to find a good one. Just because there are the liars, we shouldnt lose hope finding that one rose hidden amongst the thorns.


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

I had a nice 30 something gal ask me out this weekend. Of course I declined. Later my steady gf lamented why there wasn't a non wedding band claim ring available to men in their 50s while also complimenting me on the diplomatic way I declined the woman's offer while aiming her in the direction of an available male acquaintance of ours.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

wyld thang said:


> But yeah, I MUCH MUCH MUCH prefer real life, and knowing people as friends first. Or say knowing people "here" on ST for years.


Guess I think of the whole thing differently. I mean...here...in real life, I don't know that many people. Yes I have been going by myself and with people to do things, but..there's a lot of people out there. I figure it's good a way as any to meet a local person, introduce yourself, if you hit it off then go have lunch or sit in the park.

Believe me...I am *not *out there searching for "the one"....I already know where he is. 

I just want to get out and meet people and meet their people and meet their groups of friends with my small group of friends at places and such.

This guys knows there is no funny business going on ... or at least he says he knows and understands that. I guess I'll find out in a few hours. We did hit it off though, he's an intelligent guy, funny...good sense of humor, easy to talk to. No rushes here.

If someone pushed me to meet before I felt comfortable even talking...that just wouldn't work...I wouldn't have gone and done that. If this guy would have tried to skip some getting to know you conversation and wanted to meet right then...I would have shut that down too. Being rushed freaks me out...not that I take a real long time to decide on something but...anyway.

Have to say though when I first signed up on POF I got five messages before I even got the "thanks for signing up" thing from POF. All of them were half naked men wanting to "chat". HAHAHA! 

Definitely not about quantity.


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## lurnin2farm (Jun 10, 2012)

Whats a POF? 

My last 2 exp in the dating world were less than desirable. Both were loonie, one certifiably so. Been a little gun shy since then but maybe its time.....


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

lurnin2farm said:


> Whats a POF?
> 
> My last 2 exp in the dating world were less than desirable. Both were loonie, one certifiably so. Been a little gun shy since then but maybe its time.....


POF...Plenty of Fish...online "dating" site.

Yeah I have met some loonies out there but funnily enough, ones that I stumbled across in person first...not from any sites. I really think that...a lot of the time anyway...you can figure out if they are loonie or not right online faster than IRL. Or at least you can find out if they are pushy or whatever....to some extent.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Hope your date went well. Not everyone has bad dating experiences with POF, just most people it seems - lol..

I met the nicest men on SeniorPeopleMeet.com and Match.com. But even then, it took meeting a few to find the one.

And WhyNot..you said you know where THE ONE is..why aren't you in pursuit of him? Being nosy on a Sunday lol..


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

lurnin2farm said:


> Whats a POF?
> 
> My last 2 exp in the dating world were less than desirable. Both were loonie, one certifiably so. Been a little gun shy since then but maybe its time.....


POF is a craig's list type free online dating site, however there are plenty who claim POF stands for Plenty of fools, freaks, failures , forget about it, etc.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

sidepasser said:


> WhyNot..you said you know where THE ONE is..why aren't you in pursuit of him? Being nosy on a Sunday lol..


 Yeah this is a good question. There are a lot of good questions about it. I know half of the answer and there is nothing to be done about that at the moment...the other half of the answer...I'm still waiting for cuz I don't know that part. Which probably makes no sense to anyone...and it's not going to because I'm not getting into it here LMAO.

In short. I have no idea.

Celeste probably knows what I'm talking about and a good thing...then at least one of us does.


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

U should read soma the profiles form women my age bracket it's integrating to say the least. Most want to be treated like the princess they know they are. Or don't want playas but want to date multiple men. Don't want children or guys that do. Not to mention the pictures of two girls so u don't know which one is her. A picture of them hanging off a guy with a drink( that's my personal fav n it is usually committed relationship but Idt it's same kinda commited realtionship she needs when I see the pic) but yup lots of bar pics n usually something about settling down n have kids . I know a bunch is me I see the pic then read the contridtions in profile or the ones in profile. I haven't checked Ina while but don't imagine it's changed. Besides my ex n baby n wrk keep me busy enough. Its not really finding date that's hard part it's finding one that will keep my interst . Life would be so much easier if I was shallow. Well shallow n didn't care about anything else.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

maverickxxx said:


> Life would be so much easier if I was shallow.


I don't know, most of the shallow people I have met are pretty unhappy. I think that is possibly part of the reason they are shallow. Trying to fill some sort of unhappy gap they are feeling and/or too afraid to go deeper because they might have a stirring emotion or get hurt. Or maybe they are just buttheads.


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

Well I know it wouldn't wrk for me anyway. Anyway I do see lots of contradictions in profiles which is a not interesting like the chick hanging off dude in profile pic saying she wants to settle down n Have a family etc... Idk maybe it's me but why would I want to contact that person? Well I don't have time for that stuff for awhile now gotta reorganize my life.


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## foaly (Jan 14, 2008)

I don't date because I have children at home. Men don't want women with kids.......no matter how gorgeous and rich she is!


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## lurnin2farm (Jun 10, 2012)

> POF is a craig's list type free online dating site, however there are plenty who claim POF stands for Plenty of fools, freaks, failures , forget about it, etc.


ahh ok. I met the last 2 off of CL. I'm definitely not going that route again. In fact I am pretty happy as it is right now I really dont want to give that up. LOL. Of course I do have this morbid curiosity to go and check it out now just because of the way everyone described it..


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## lurnin2farm (Jun 10, 2012)

foaly said:


> I don't date because I have children at home. Men don't want women with kids.......no matter how gorgeous and rich she is!


Not true. Gorgeous and rich doesnt matter. What matters is whats on the inside and compatibility. Of course a mutual attraction has to be there as well but that isnt the only thing most of us look for. My 2nd wife had 2 kids. She was awesome in many ways but couldnt make time for me. Not much point in being in a relationship if your alone most of the time .. 

All I really want is someone fairly sane that has at least a basic understanding of whats coming and has some skills to compliment my own.

My last GF come from a family worth many many millions. I couldn't get rid of her fast enough..


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## foaly (Jan 14, 2008)

lurnin2farm said:


> Not true. Gorgeous and rich doesnt matter. What matters is whats on the inside and compatibility. Of course a mutual attraction has to be there as well but that isnt the only thing most of us look for. My 2nd wife had 2 kids. She was awesome in many ways but couldnt make time for me. Not much point in being in a relationship if your alone most of the time ..
> 
> All I really want is someone fairly sane that has at least a basic understanding of whats coming and has some skills to compliment my own.


Sorry....I forgot to hold up the "*JOKE*" sign. I'm neither gorgeous nor rich.


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## foaly (Jan 14, 2008)

WN - Be sure to update us on how it goes.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

A lot of you won't get outside of your little security blanket of internet anonymous! But you'll respond to someone you have no idea who is, if they claim some of the same ideas?

Why don't you meet someone local you can spend time with and "cultivate" a relationship? Instead of chasing the tail of a dream???

I've never tried POF. Did go to Farmersonly once upon a time.Met one nice gal a 1,000 miles plus, and another a days drive away. Pursued the closer one, to find out it was lies...kinda spoiled my opinion of the WWW!

I'm here now, just cuz I sometimes enjoy this site. I like seeing what people do, and how they do it. I've accomplished what I have, on my own, for the biggest part. There's quite a bit of BS, (not actually BS, but sometimes seems like desparation, on here?)but it's the first one I ran across when I was "looking". I was looking for a really twisted chick, that was into cowboys and horses, and simple life. Cuz, I am real simple! Like a bucket of rocks!

Discovered that I'm good in life...I'm happy where I am...but nowhere's close to what I want.

Littlejoe...who is close to the bottom of a 12pack of the 8ozsers!


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## lonelytree (Feb 28, 2008)

I'm still trying to hold back the "Arkansas" and "Family Reunion" jokes while drinking a $3.29 bottle of wine.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

I went on a real live date tonight with a real live person. Met through a mutual friend. Enjoyed myself, drank a couple of beers, had fruit salad and home made ice cream. Yep, that is real life for ya, now it is time to say good night and head to bed. My job has my name all over it tomorrow morning.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

I should have called it a meeting...not really a date. So yeah..met him and all that jazz. Doesn't seem to be making up stories or anything so that's good.


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

Why--yeah I understand (wink) 

I had a fun "date" yesterday, just hanging out with friends. A friend took his boat out on Lake Washington(a dory, he goes crabbing, I love crab...), we watched the Blue Angels and the hydro races, bobbed in the water, had water fights with other boats. My friend has a pirate chest in the back of the boat so that was my dance floor so it was Wyld Thang a GoGo all day long, earned me water balloons and the media boat took lots of pictures haha--not sure if I want to open the newspaper today...

it was so fun being on the bobbing boat, dancing the waves and laughing with my friends and making them laugh.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Ten bucks says you made the front page, I know ya girlfriend and ya know how to mambo. 

I met with our mutual friend and we had fun, you will have to pm via FB to know the details, lol.


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## Raven12 (Mar 5, 2011)

cindilu said:


> I went on a real live date tonight with a real live person.


That made me chuckle. It sounds like there is a large cyber kinky society on here. Oh wait...


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## Raven12 (Mar 5, 2011)

littlejoe said:


> I was looking for a really twisted chick,


See?


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

LOL Raven.

It's really interesting how many people talk big online as to that sort of thing when they actually don't do much of it or haven't in reality. People really do act out their fantasies online one way or another. Not really being completely dishonest I guess...but I have heard, "oh that was just fantasy talk, I've never done that and don't know if I'd even like it" a few times over the years.


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## Raven12 (Mar 5, 2011)

Kinky to one might not be the same as to another. For instance, out of the blue a guy sent me a text picture of the veggies he harvested that day. That was so sexy. Yes, I am kinky. Farmer kinky. I'm a dirty girl - from digging in the garden that is.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Raven12 said:


> Kinky to one might not be the same as to another. For instance, out of the blue a guy sent me a text picture of the veggies he harvested that day. That was so sexy. Yes, I am kinky. Farmer kinky. I'm a dirty girl - from digging in the garden that is.


You were eyeing his cucumbers.


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## Raven12 (Mar 5, 2011)

Fowler said:


> You were eyeing his cucumbers.


They were very large. He liked the text reply of my firm melons.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

You guys are cracking me up this morning and that is always a good way to start the day.

True story... My son sends me this text message and says that I should date a Mexican, and I am like huh? He tells me that since I am into my yard and gardens and outside nic knacks and all that they are really good with that sort of thing and would keep my yard looking really good. My thoughts are where in the world did he hear that? So my question back was, am I supposed to hire one or date one? He answers back, date one because they are clannish. ??? Fast forward to last night. I am in the store and there is this really cute guy shopping the same isle so I smile at him and he smiles back. Couple of isles later he is still smiling and stops in front of me and asks me out and asks for my phone number, True story, he is Mexican and wants to know if I like to garden and do I enjoy flowers. I am still trying to figure out if he wanted a date or if he is wanting to garden at my house, either way he is pretty darned cute. As soon as I got home I had to call my son and tell him my story and he says, see, there ya go, you found your date and he came to you, not you to him. ??? Kids, seesh.


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## Raven12 (Mar 5, 2011)

cindilu said:


> True story... My son sends me this text message and says that I should date a Mexican, and I am like huh? He tells me that since I am into my yard and gardens and outside nic knacks and all that they are really good with that sort of thing and would keep my yard looking really good. My thoughts are where in the world did he hear that? So my question back was, am I supposed to hire one or date one? He answers back, date one because they are clannish. ??? Fast forward to last night. I am in the store and there is this really cute guy shopping the same isle so I smile at him and he smiles back. Couple of isles later he is still smiling and stops in front of me and asks me out and asks for my phone number, True story, he is Mexican and wants to know if I like to garden and do I enjoy flowers. I am still trying to figure out if he wanted a date or if he is wanting to garden at my house, either way he is pretty darned cute. As soon as I got home I had to call my son and tell him my story and he says, see, there ya go, you found your date and he came to you, not you to him. ??? Kids, seesh.


I wonder what your son would have said if he was Asian. This is the second time that I have seen you make a remark like this. Please be aware that some of us come from mixed race families. Thank you.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Raven12 said:


> I wonder what your son would have said if he was Asian. This is the second time that I have seen you make a remark like this. Please be aware that some of us come from mixed race families. Thank you.


Raven, I am mixed race, and so please please please don't take it wrong. I could care less any ones color of skin, and I mean that with all my heart. It was one of the reasons why I asked my son where on earth he had heard that. The majority of his friends are not white so it wasn't a statement against them, he wanted me to join him in his clan.


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## SilverFlame819 (Aug 24, 2010)

WhyNot said:


> People really do act out their fantasies online one way or another. Not really being completely dishonest I guess...but I have heard, "oh that was just fantasy talk, I've never done that and don't know if I'd even like it" a few times over the years.


:huh: :shrug: Weird!


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## momof2 (Mar 28, 2003)

WhyNot said:


> It's really interesting how many people talk big online as to that sort of thing when they actually don't do much of it or haven't in reality. People really do act out their fantasies online one way or another. Not really being completely dishonest I guess...but I have heard, "oh that was just fantasy talk, I've never done that and don't know if I'd even like it" a few times over the years.


I can't say for fact that this is true or not but I would imagine it is to some degree. I find that to be SO, SO stupid because you never know who you are going to meet in real life. 

I don't think anyone would say there is a problem in GETTING a date... it's getting a quality date that seems to be an issue. At my age most good men are married... if they aren't I want to know why! Also, most people that are past their 20's don't have time for a lot of casual dating or frequent dating. I have a houseful of kids and I am not going to waste precious time with them out on a date that I know isn't going anywhere. If I bother getting a sitter and getting dressed for a date it's gonna be with a man that already has my attention... someone whom I already respect and admire as a person with marriage potential. I think those of us with kids are more careful too... I really have to like someone A LOT to date him. I am not going to expose my kids to a stream of men ("dates") for my enjoyment or entertainment.

I have never been on a dating website and I can't see the value in that for me. There are enough people in my day to day life to date if that's what I wanted. I would worry that people online weren't being honest about who they really are and I wouldn't want to waste my time finding that out. I want to find the one guy who I respect as a person... with whom there is a mutual attraction and mutual feelings that is destined to go somewhere and not be a time waster for me.

Short version... there is no problem getting a date... getting a date that I want to spend the rest of my life with seems to be the problem.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I am of a mixed race, and im prejudiced to them all. French, German, and Indian lol. Maybe a bit of irish too.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder if mexican women like gardening, canning, ect, ect, ect. Nope, fergit it. I remember seeing them at the sale.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Im convinced, in my own mind, that if all the people who lurk in here, but deal with outside dateing services, would make an effort to be visable in here, there would be alot more connects.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

I completely understand what you are saying, MomOf2. Until my daughter moved out, no one ever came to the house if I did have time to go out somewhere with someone. Although I never really did much but go to work and come home anyway.

I don't actually get out. I have no day to day thing that takes me anywhere. And now that I have a full time job from home, I REALLY will not be going anywhere except for on days off. So, thought I'd give this a try as another resource to meet locals. I think that the people that are local, that see you are local that are willing to just meet..not necessarily go on a date a day or two after you "meet" them online have the least to hide or...at the very least can be crossed off your list really soon instead of wasting time getting chatted at.

People in my generation, a lot of them anyway, are online. Granted, most likely the guy I'd be happiest with wouldn't really give much care to being online a lot if at all...but when you don't really go anywhere ever...it gets pretty limited.

About the "fantasy" thing...while I am not going to relate "proof" as it would all be experiential and not mean much anyway...I'm sure there are at least 14 of everything on the internet..probably more LOL.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

momof2 said:


> Short version... there is no problem getting a date... getting a date that I want to spend the rest of my life with seems to be the problem.


Now that there seems pretty superficial!

Ain't no problem with checking somebody out before you consider a date. I need an interest before I even ask, but deciding if it's someone I'd spend my life with, is way to early!

I made the mistake once... don't intend on repeating. It can take a long time (years) to get to know someone well.

What's the secret to knowing by looking?


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## SilverFlame819 (Aug 24, 2010)

momof2 said:


> If I bother getting a sitter and getting dressed for a date it's gonna be with a man that already has my attention... someone whom I already respect and admire as a person with marriage potential. I think those of us with kids are more careful too... I really have to like someone A LOT to date him.
> 
> ...I want to find the one guy who I respect as a person... with whom there is a mutual attraction and mutual feelings that is destined to go somewhere and not be a time waster for me.


I do not have kids, but I feel the exact same way.

Was talking to a friend about this tonight. We both seem to be the old-fashioned type, where we want to get to know someone as an acquaintance, then as a friend, and if we realize that the friend is someone we feel like we could get serious about, then it has the potential to become more. Seems anymore though that that's the backward way to go about doing things... No surprise that we're both single.


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## momof2 (Mar 28, 2003)

littlejoe said:


> Now that there seems pretty superficial!
> 
> Ain't no problem with checking somebody out before you consider a date. I need an interest before I even ask, but deciding if it's someone I'd spend my life with, is way to early!
> 
> ...


Well obviously I won't know if it's someone I want to spend the rest of my life with until spending time WITH them getting to know them.... but I can have a good idea about a persons character, values, morals, how they raise kids, what they believe about marriage by listening to them and observing their life and how they treat their kids, parents, siblings, etc... That's what I look for... I look for someone who I already have respect and admiration for as a person *and* a physical attraction (that's where it goes bad...that rarely happens!)... from there it's dating to really get to know the person.

I guess what I mean is that if don't already see marriage *POTENTIAL* and have a good physical attraction then why bother dating them? 

Mav said it well too... he said he would see pics of girl's on these online dating sites in bars and hanging off of guys but their profile says they want to settle down and have kids. Well, something doesn't match up there.... what they are saying and what their lifestyle says are two different things... so why even bother going there? I look for their words and lifestyle to match (actually I ignore most words) and I don't waste my time if there is no attraction.

LJ... I agree it takes a lifetime to really know a person. People are different dating than they are in their day to day life... people are different around their kids... people are different when they are in a bad mood or life is going wrong... people are always growing and changing. HOWEVER, *I* don't think a persons core values change... I may not like how a person handles some of life's curve balls and they may not like how I handle some things but I like THE PERSON and that's enough for me. So LJ I guess I am trying to say that you have at least a general idea if it's a person you would want to spend your life with before you ask her out or you probably wouldn't ask her out.... UNLESS you are just casually dating for entertainment (not that there is anything wrong with that but my premise was that I don't have time for that). If you don't see some potential there you probably wouldn't waste your valuable time either... right?


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

I see all the single men out there as potential husbands or life partners, but not neccessarily mine! 

I see it as an emotional disaster to wrap my heartstrings on a guy as "Future Husband" before the first date or even in the first few months of dating. Really listen to Little Joe, I think he's speaking how all emotionally balanced men feel. A woman getting emotionally wrapped way ahead of the man will make him poof out of your life. Too much, too intense, he doesn't know you, you don't know him. He's gone!

Be in the Now without running your future agenda.

Even after observing a man in the wild and talking with him a couple of times, I won't know if I like spending time with him until I actually spend time with him. That time spent together would be "Dates." That doesn't mean getting emotionally wrapped up in an imaginary relationship. It also doesn't mean having sex or bringing him home, and it certainly doesn't mean introducing him into my children's lives. Those are boundaries gentlemen respect.

I practice the same Safe Date rules as I have for my daughters. Public dates or within groups. While I get the CHOOSE the men, I let them lead the dance and let them know my boundaries. Obviously not every man I date is "The ONE," or like my boundaries and that's okay. I've made a lot of new friends and contacts through their friends. Without emotional drama, we can say comfortably to each other, "You ain't IT, but let's keep the friendship." One such man and I regularly introduce each other to new potential dates. He's a great guy for somebody else.

Dating doesn't mean the same thing as having a relationship. I think women get confused and think it does. It's nice to have a dinner companion instead of eating alone or with kids. It's nice to have somebody to go fishing with instead of going alone all the time or with kids. 

Regular dating without agenda also allows you to practice and improve your relationship skills. It gives you a chance to fix what you do to scare people off. You get to practice with tools for emotional intimacy and boundaries that are neccessary for any kind of relationship, not only Mate For Life ones.

I also don't practice exclusivity or instant commitment with dates. It's the same thing as instant/imaginary relationship. Since I practice Safe Date rules, I don't feel guilty and don't let others try to guilt me over it. If a man wants that with me, guilting me isn't the way to get it. Building trust and respect and a REAL relationship is. Most of the men I date accept this, they know my boundaries and they know they have to step up to move the relationship farther.


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## Sourdough (Dec 28, 2011)

What I like best about this forum is, that I keep getting reminded how much trouble dating & relationship is. I really do need a puppy.


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## momof2 (Mar 28, 2003)

I like how you think Laura. I think it might be different though at different seasons of life. Remember though... the whole thing I said to start with is that *I* don't have time to causally date. If I did that might be different. I can't get sitters all the time nor would I want to and leave my kids so I can go out. *I never said that looking at POTENTIAL in a man/woman meant getting emotionally wrapped up or thinking too far into the future!!!!* I am saying that if I see NO potential and I'm not even physically attracted then *I* am not wasting my time. I have tons of friends and there is always room for more... but I am not dating them. I meet lots of guys on a day to day basis that if I were capable of just "dating" I probably would be interested in getting to know or just having an evening out for fun.

I do everything you said Laura but I don't consider "hanging out" with friends dating them. I said if you just date for companionship or entertainment... "instead of eating alone or with the kids"... that is great but I just don't have the ability nor interest to do that at this season of life. Therefore, IF *I* am going to leave my kids to go on a date it's gonna be with someone that I see SOME POTENTIAL in. That doesn't mean marriage is on my mind... far from it!!!! It means that the end result of dating someone (not just hanging out or going on a few dates) for me is more than just entertainment... if I'm going to use my time with that person then I am already liking them and attracted to them.... not dating them to see if I like them or am attracted to them. I'm not sure that makes sense. I have young kids and so it's different than if you have older kids that you can leave alone more I think. 

I couldn't agree more with your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs!!! I think you can have a lot of fun with someone without the emotional drama and intensity but that still doesn't mean I haven't looked at this persons character and WHO he is ahead of time and thought "hmmm... I see a lot in him I like and he looks good too." If I don't see that then I can have a friend but I'm not going on a date.

If I observe 2 good looking guys at the soccer fields here's how I would think... Guy A is nudging his kids off so he can talk to his friends and getting irritated with them when they keep tyring to get his attention while Guy B is sweet and gentle with his kids and chooses them over chit chatting with his friends but yet takes the time to discipline them to learn not to interupt adults talking... which one am I going to see potential in if they both asked me out??? I wouldn't waste my precious time with Guy A... Guy B has some potential.


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## momof2 (Mar 28, 2003)

The point in responding to the OP was that GETTING a date is easy... getting one with potential that you are attracted to is harder. I could date every weekend if I wanted to (most people could)... I don't because I haven't found one yet that I find both of those things in and would want to leave my kids for his company. Friends yes... dates no.

Note that I did put a  at the end of the "spend the rest of my life with"... I never thought anyone would really think I would know that before a first date!


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Sourdough said:


> What I like best about this forum is, that I keep getting reminded how much trouble dating & relationship is. I really do need a puppy.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

The problem with puppies, Sourdough, they don't keep up their end of the conversation. They won't replace your fishing pole when they break it, either.

Mom, I'm not saying date men you don't like. Nobody but the desperate do that. I prefer my own company over people I don't like. I do have to establish friendship before I will entertain further possibilities with a man. 

I don't buy into romance and chemistry and all that happy horsepoop. That's illusion and physiology, not relationship.

Yes, we are at different life stages. I still have a teen child at home and she has disabilities. She cannot be left alone for long periods of time. When she is in school or at activities, I have time for a breakfast or lunch date or a fishing date. She has places she can be when I date. Often in group dates, everyone has their kids and she makes new friends.

I know a lot of single moms who share babysitting duties with each other so the don't have to PAY for one, and they take turns dating. There was a time men factored in paying the babysitter, but I haven't heard of it recently.

Dating doesn't have to be a Big Deal for us women 'cause it sure ain't a big deal to men.


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## acde (Jul 25, 2011)

Sourdough said:


> What I like best about this forum is, that I keep getting reminded how much trouble dating & relationship is. I really do need a puppy.


If one chooses to date someone just because they were asked, or smiled at, or so they don't have to be bored alone, then yes, you are setting yourself up for failure. Yet, it always seems as a shock that it wasn't the right one. DUH!!


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

Can I get refund? I musta got in wrong line or something. But it's certainly obvious I can't find the land of forgotten toys. So if any one sees Cornelius send him my way I'll have the dental pic.


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

Oh n I'm getting second puppy now


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Maybe that was the problem...you need two puppies...LOL


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

I got that pretty well locked down with single dad taking care of baby full time a pug n decent looking n in good shape 200#s.


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## Guest (Aug 8, 2012)

yeah, well, I can eat 50 boiled eggs. Then I'll weigh 201#s.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

Sourdough said:


> What I like best about this forum is, that I keep getting reminded how much trouble dating & relationship is. I really do need a puppy.


Well that's not from me LOL. Relationships really aren't that hard. Neither is dating or friendship.

It's only "hard" when people decide to make it so. My new friend and I are doing quite well. Like I said, he is what he says he is so that is good. Obviously I found out right away all his pictures are real and etc. So we are talking a little here and there...basically each day...as our schedules permit, getting to know each other.

It's really not all that difficult if you decide not to put an agenda on it, as long as people are what they say, and are decent. It's pretty easy really. When you add in all other BS is when it gets "hard". Doesnt' need to be...but...some people make it that way.


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

Hey! so I had a great date last night, went to Aerosmith. Called my rock n roll friend and asked if he wanted to go. So as is our usual he scalped some dang fine tix--150$ floor seats in front of the stage real close to the catwalk for 40$. It was so freakin fun to see Steven Tyler up close, he really puts on a great show, such a queen ha! the rest of the band played awesome. Was really cool to have them in my living room so to speak. and a good friend in my soul kitchen.

Danced my jackass off, gotta say my shimmy beats Tyler's ha! 

Got some great pix, will post a few when I get back.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

Good for you, C! That's cool. It's always nice to be able to get out with someone and not have to worry about whether you are doing the "right thing" because they have a relationship issue. Sounds like most of your friends don't have issues in that way. Wish mine didn't LOL. Working on getting some though. :thumb:


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

momof2 said:


> So LJ I guess I am trying to say that you have at least a general idea if it's a person you would want to spend your life with before you ask her out or you probably wouldn't ask her out.... UNLESS you are just casually dating for entertainment (not that there is anything wrong with that but my premise was that I don't have time for that). If you don't see some potential there you probably wouldn't waste your valuable time either... right?


I agree and disagree in the same breath! Your statement is still pretty open, and I'll stick to my OP.

I have to have an interest before I ask someone out. If I look at them and ask myself, "is that someone I might like waking up with". If I can say possibly, it's a go to know! If I ask someone out, it's cuz I want to know them better. Not cuz I want them in a forever stance.

I've never been much of a dater. A very few have tripped my trigger enough to ask out. I went through a period when I was willing and wanton for sure. I'm beyond that, now,,, I think?! Sure, I'm a male and I check chicks out, doesn't mean I want to go to bed with them, or admire them other than the artistic curves they have.

There are a LOT of gorgeous females out there! One might turn my head, and I can be honest and say wow! When I'm with someone, they are the focus of my attention, and they need to realize that I can admire art, but I don't lose track of what's in front of me.

It might be called casual, or it might not? Any date is supposed to be fun. If you wind up in the sack, it can be more better, especially if there's a click! Just is wrong to expect rest of the life material from a "date".

Take it easy, and take it cool. Enjoy yourself and take pride in who you are! Things happen, and tend to happen in their own time. It's natures way!

LJ...the philospher


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

May I safely assume those of us with kids already had The One? It's a pretty good bet those without kids have had their One already, too. How many times have we met The One, or thought we did, then all boohoohoo? Yeah, my hand's raised. Then we swear off dating and any new relationships, put ourselves into isolation with no chance of possibilities.

So now when we are looking for The One and meet them, shouldn't we say we found The Two, or The Three.........? Perhaps give up the fairytale of The One or admit our body's concept of The One really sucks emotionally.

But don't give up chances of possibilities.

As humans we all basically want the same things. Everybody is looking for love and companionship, but to varying degrees, and different ideas of it. 

What we need is trust and respect. There is no real relationship without trust and respect, and those take time to build *IF* they're going to happen.

I date for intellectual stimulation and to build relationships. I date to learn to trust again. Men don't HAVE to show the potential to become the next cohabitational Love of my Life. A man has to show through several meetings his abilities to HAVE an interesting conversation and make me feel safe before I'll accept a date with him. 
I can grow wonderful "Chemistry" with someone I trust. Chemistry with a stranger is just another bad drug!


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

Laura said:


> What we need is trust and respect. There is no real relationship without trust and respect, and those take time to build *IF* they're going to happen.
> 
> I date for intellectual stimulation and to build relationships. I date to learn to trust again. Men don't HAVE to show the potential to become the next cohabitational Love of my Life. A man has to show through several meetings his abilities to HAVE an interesting conversation and make me feel safe before I'll accept a date with him.
> 
> I can grow wonderful "Chemistry" with someone I trust. Chemistry with a stranger is just another bad drug!


I like all this. And I think you are right in that as we get along in life and have met many people it's not really the same. People have their experiences and those experiences have changed them sometimes in good ways and sometimes in not so good ways. But if you don't give something a chance you'll never know. Not every relationship is supposed to start out all fireworks and dizziness. I actually think that a more mature love starts out much different.

But what do I know LMAO, still single. Josh is a nice guy, seems reasonably emotionally stable...for the moment still getting to know him. He's smart, we are in the same field of work, although our aspirations for the future are a bit different they are along the same lines. As far as sparks, I don't think I have allowed myself "sparks" in a long time and I reckon I probably will not. I think I've analyzed all that stuff too much.

I agree that mutual trust and respect go a very long way to grow something in a relationship and you have to set aside fear to be able to get there.


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## BetsyK in Mich (May 14, 2002)

"I agree that mutual trust and respect go a very long way to grow something in a relationship and you have to set aside fear to be able to get there."


So true.


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

I think ones own personal philophises is what dictates what is looked for. Or where u set the bar. The bar can be adjusted as u get to know someone. Laura s description sounds more like computer program that is meeting it's certain criteria. Moms sounds more like fairy tale. Computer program is pretty boring in my opinion. But fairy tale is unrealistic an she knows that. Point is where u set bar is where u look. Most of us haves said getting dates isn't a problem it's dates u want that is. I had changed my bar for my ex thinking in my quest I was being unrealistic in my quest. Was not the case at all. Like I said before the chick with the profile pic of drinking n hanging off guy n saying she wants to settle down don't mix we might have many things that we like n share or whatever but she's not in same place as me mentally an I'm not going to waste my time an wait or whatever. I want someone who is already there an life in order. I don't wanna deal with ex drama cause u are ready for relationship n he's insane an this is best part he's a great dad when he wants to be. No great dads are great dads all the time. I'll look n wait for fairy tale n adjust bar as needed


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## Guest (Aug 10, 2012)

I prefer a live woman, but robot woman ain't bad. I had to quit greasing her up though, I much prefer to hear her happy gear grinding when shes looking for me. Wants me to reinstall the sawzall, I think.


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## Raven12 (Mar 5, 2011)

Why date someone that doesn't have marriage potential? To pass the time while I wait 10 years for Prince Charming to show up.


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

For me, while "romance" is greatly appreciated (and I never really got much if it), what I want to know is can you be a real friend through the valley of the shadow of death, can you let me be that friend for you. while the lover/lust/romance thing is fun n all, it's usually runs real quick when that valley looms ahead. 

that's why when I consider someone for life partner material there's gotta be a lot of friendship flowing underneath the bridge. the two times I've been burned horrible is when I didn't give that friendship time enough to reveal character before I committed my heart. 

and while flowers and singing to me makes me go all googly, gifts and being spoiled make me uncomfortable. just let me live life with you awhile, life is a beautiful thing enough  I'm all about your smile when you see me.

dang I wish I knew at 20 what I know now...


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

> can you be a real friend through the valley of the shadow of death, can you let me be that friend for you.


 Isn't this the real key we need to find? Both Hayseed and I were walking our deep valleys when we met. Life had dealt both of us brutal blows, both of us were finding our way through. Not very good timing for meeting the Love of Your Life! The question for both of us, are these emotions fueling "I've loved you forever" feelings true, or are they from a temporary need fueling an illusion? 

Terrifying for both of us! We all know what it feels like to be astroids hurtling through space on a collision course! We've taken many breaks from each other to clear the "chemistry" from our systems. What we have is true.

Learning to trust and respect each other as we deepen the friendship. CHOOSING trust and respect when things get weird, and by golly things get weird for both of us! Because I trust and respect him, I didn't need to tell him about the Jerry Springer antics of his xgf. I'm sure he's familiar and dealt with her on his own without my help. We CHOOSE to honor our very first agreement, no matter what, we will always be friends and neighbors. 

Then he was handed his death sentence. Forever After has a short expiration date, the Fairytale is over. I've tried to erase the hopes and dreams of our future. Emotions once again ran high, trust again tested as our relationship goes through profound changes. We are much more practical now. Deeper and closer than before.

I date others. Hayseed knows and is in agreement at this time. When his mood goes foul and he needs to be alone to deal, our mutual trusted friend, a confirmed bachelor steps up. I've known and liked him for 13 years. He's a delightful dinner companion and a big tease. Sharing information over dinner, discussing plans, problems and the best strategies to improve our community make us invaluable to each other. We also have dormant business ties that must be maintained.

I would marry either man if one were to ask, but I don't expect it. These two men know what I came out of and how bad it was, they respect I honored the commitment. They know how tough things are for me and look out for DD and I. They are the Bulls on this prairie, proving they have my back. They are my advisors. They've taught me what real gentlemen are and how they treat ladies, and I should always expect it. They taught me I CAN trust again when I choose trustworthy people. They taught me to know what I want in a future mate, conditioned me for it and are teaching me how to recognize it in other men. 

They've set a high bar for the other men who want to date or be a part of my life. Yeah, crummy dates are easy to get but who wants 'em? The time "wasted" dating these wonderful gentlemen brings quality men into my life interested in long term relationships, and chases away the culls who can't measure up.

I'm not allowing myself to get overly serious about any new men until after Hayseed is gone.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

Interesting stuff (to me anyway). I'm one of "those" people that put stock in dreams, the ones we have "spontaneously" every night. I put stock in them because I know at some point those dreams contain stuff I've been thinking about and processing whether I know about it or not. I didn't read your post until this afternoon, Laura, but wow...it really chimes with what I not only dreamed about but some of my first waking thoughts this morning.

I've been known to say not to measure one person against another due to past experiences with people that exhibited the same behavior. For the most part I stick by that. I do not "evaluate" one friend against another as if judging who is the "better friend". I try to take my experiences and apply them to a situation for information but yet still try to decide the true nature/motivations of people based on what they show me and not solely on past experiences with others. If I wasn't like that I would have immediately thrown away a lot of really good friends.

BUT. I realized this morning that I am evaluating my new guy in a way I never really considered before and it really goes along the same lines as your post here. Because of my, rather recent, experiences with actual GOOD MEN, men I admire and respect, I find myself evaluating or "not putting up with" certain things based on that. This morning I was startled about it...but for sure, we are changed by our experiences. I don't know that I am measuring him "against" these other men, but having experienced what these other men are/have to offer, it's hard to go back. Not necessarily a "lowering" of expectations but...more like...yeah I don't really find that attractive and/or tolerable.

Not only is life a "learn as you go" thing...so is your self. That is what it seems anyway. I don't think the new guy and I are going to get very far, we don't really have enough in common I don't think. Course you never know...just thinking today that I would rather spend a lot more time with one of my "possibly potential but not sure yet sort of kind of maybe, but probably not" guys.


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## Raven12 (Mar 5, 2011)

WhyNot said:


> BUT. I realized this morning that I am evaluating my new guy in a way I never really considered before and it really goes along the same lines as your post here. Because of my, rather recent, experiences with actual GOOD MEN, men I admire and respect, I find myself evaluating or "not putting up with" certain things based on that. This morning I was startled about it...but for sure, we are changed by our experiences. I don't know that I am measuring him "against" these other men, but having experienced what these other men are/have to offer, it's hard to go back. Not necessarily a "lowering" of expectations but...more like...yeah I don't really find that attractive and/or tolerable.
> 
> Not only is life a "learn as you go" thing...so is your self. That is what it seems anyway. I don't think the new guy and I are going to get very far, we don't really have enough in common I don't think. Course you never know...just thinking today that I would rather spend a lot more time with one of my "possibly potential but not sure yet sort of kind of maybe, but probably not" guys.


Just so I can follow along...is this the guy from POF?


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

Raven12 said:


> Just so I can follow along...is this the guy from POF?


yeah, the guy from Puddle of Fish...we'll call him "j". Will that be more clear? Or is anything "more clear" with sangria?  

:nanner:

ETA: Just to be MORE clear, POF, aka "j" guy is NOT one of the "kinda sort of maybe, yeah but no possibly potential hell yeah probably not" guys LOL


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

WhyNot said:


> Alright I had to see what he hub-ub was about so I joined POF. Been joined 24 hours and have a date. So what is the problem with getting a date for everyone?
> 
> I mean...I'm not exactly pretty ...so I know it's not like I have a jump on anyone else...if I can get a date...I reckon anyone can.


I can get a date IRL any time I want except I don't want a date. Not even with a 20 something who thinks I'm hot or the single older landscape customers who can't believe I'm 58. Good luck with POF! My roomie has had a couple of dates but no connections there. He's a nice guy--a bit OCD but very nice; someone should snap him up. Me? Done being used by users/abusers. I do enjoy the attention I get but that's my entertainment. BTW, this once fat ugly duckling had a blind date to her senior prom...I sure wasn't considered a swan way back then...oh, well!


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

katydidagain said:


> I can get a date IRL any time I want except I don't want a date. Not even with a 20 something who thinks I'm hot or the single older landscape customers who can't believe I'm 58. Good luck with POF! My roomie has had a couple of dates but no connections there. He's a nice guy--a bit OCD but very nice; someone should snap him up. Me? Done being used by users/abusers. I do enjoy the attention I get but that's my entertainment. BTW, this once fat ugly duckling had a blind date to her senior prom...I sure wasn't considered a swan way back then...oh, well!


kd, I don't know the road you took to get to today, but good for you for being content and secure with yourself. 

One of life's ironies is that it sometimes takes people a sizeable chunk of their lives to learn to live comfortably within their own skin. That doesn't apply to everyone of course. Or maybe not alot of people will admit it to others. 

I think I became much more content with life and left behind a bunch of insecurity when I gained that insight.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

sustainabilly said:


> kd, I don't know the road you took to get to today, but good for you for being content and secure with yourself.


Well, it sure wasn't the road I'd have chosen so apparently it was the 1 less traveled. Yeah, I'm fine with me these days. Don't yet scare myself in the mirror...yet...


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

I don't like mirrors. Vonnegut called them leaks because you lose some of yourself in them every time you look in one. Me, I keep trying to clean them. They always look old and kind of used. Then I realize it was me the whole time.


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## SilverFlame819 (Aug 24, 2010)

WhyNot said:


> yeah, the guy from Puddle of Fish...we'll call him "j". Will that be more clear?


Well, we COULD call him J... But I thought we were already calling him Josh?



WhyNot said:


> Josh is a nice guy, seems reasonably emotionally stable...for the moment still getting to know him.


Name changes!... I need a brain massage. :S


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

heh...we see who reads the longer posts.  I need a whole body massage...not used to sitting so much. It's killer.


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## Raven12 (Mar 5, 2011)

WhyNot said:


> I need a whole body massage...not used to sitting so much. It's killer.


Whatever...:angel:...we all know it is from you stealing four wheelers.


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