# I'm in need of help....need direction



## Sarabeth (Sep 14, 2008)

Folks, I need some help and advice. I'll try to keep this post short....

DS is 14 - 8th grade. School is just not working out. We are all at our wits end. To give some background, he has never liked school. Maybe for a while in Kindergarten, but not really. He just is not a social kid in that way. He is very smart. He has always been fairly self conscious - starting in about 4th grade he found his feet at being the class clown. My theory is that this way he could be in control of people "laughing at him". Make sense? 

From 5th grade until 7th grade he was a tad on the chubby side, but he has grown about a foot - he's about 5'7" now, and has slimmed down considerably. I always knew he would, he probably will be very tall, his feet are size 14. I only bring this up, because he was extremely self-conscious for a couple years about his weight. He is really a good looking kid.

Anyway, moving on, last year, 7th grade, he started at our Junior High School. Where we live, Junior High is grades 7-8. This is a huge school - something like 2000 students for the 2 grades. It is the only public school. Things got worse, he was failing classes, due to not turning homework in, etc. We thought things were fine until report card time. The teachers are just too busy to be bothered with calling parents. Anyway, I said to dh that I was scared to death that next year he would be put into the very basic classes, which have alot of the troublemaker kids. _Please understand_ what i am saying here - I fully realize that lots of the kids in the basic classes are very good kids. I am in no way saying that if you need a basic class you are bad or evil......but at this school, unfortunately, that is where these troublesome kids end up. DS tends to be a follower, and I could just see him getting sucked down into drugs, etc. Drugs are a HUGE problem at our schools. Anyway, DH agreed, and we enrolled DS into a small private school. I should say that for about a year of 6th grade, and after the first report card in 7th grade, I repeatedly warned DS to straighten up or he would be put in a private school. 

Anyway, we love the school, and he has done great there. We just enrolled DD there - Kindergarten - and she is thriving. She, however, is a social butterfly.

Now, DS has decided that he is just not going to - well, I don't know. He just HATES it! He hates it. I told him he's not going back to the JR high, but I don't know what to do. The problem is, that this year he has been starting up again with his class clown antics. They don't have time for that at this school, which i totally understand. He gets detention almost every week (they have detention on Thursday's, they work off of a demerit system). We had to go before the school board, because he has received so many detentions - 7 in 10 weeks. I should say, that the teachers, etc are wonderful and supportive - he just doesn't want to be there. The stuff he gets in trouble for is not even major stuff - the principal has even told me that. He's not a bad kid, just disruptive. And doesn't turn homework in. 

All this aside, his grades are better than they have been in years....and I can tell that he is really thinking and learning things. 

The problem here is that i am pretty sure they are going to be asking us to remove him. They made it clear that they care about him, want to work with us and him, and want to help him succeed. However, they have 140 other students also and will not sacrifice their learning for 1 disruptive kid. I totally understand this. I am not angry with the school.

However, I want to be proactive here instead of reacting to what they tell me, you know?

I am starting to really consider homeschool. dh actually brought it up the other day - which for him....well that's big. I've thought of it before, but it just seemed so scary. 

One of my big questions, is can you homeschool one child and not the other? has anyone dealt with that? DD would want to stay home, but truly she loves school, and she and I tend to clash heads, where DS and I don't. 

I have to go now, I know this post has been incredibly long. For anyone who actually read this far, you are my friend for life!! I will be checking out hslda, and I will post more later. I feel much better - thanks!


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## deaconjim (Oct 31, 2005)

I'm inclined to say go ahead and homeschool your son. If your daughter is doing well at the private school, let her continue.

Your son will need to be onboard with your decision. Make him understand that not going to school is not an option, so either he works to make HS successful, or he goes back to the private school.


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## ovsfarm (Jan 14, 2003)

Sure you can homeschool one child and not the other.

However, I'm not sure that will solve your problem or that of your son. It sounds to me (and I mean this gently and in a very abstract way, since I don't even know your ds) like your son may have serious problems dealing with authority and doing things he doesn't want to do. How is he with these things around the house? There may also be a self image thing going on that is causing him to just fold up shop and go away if anyone makes fun of him. Is he being bullied (trite phrase these days, I know, but also a serious problem and getting more severe every year)? Perhaps the greatest need is to address these core issues and the schooling situation will fall in line once these problems are cleared up.

IMO, it is critical to investigate these or other things and get to the heart of the matter before changing the schooling situation again. We homeschool and I firmly believe it is an excellent educational choice for us, but that may not always be the case for everyone. I have seen some try to use homeschooling as a refuge from other problems. And any time you use a tool incorrectly, there is a high liklihood of hurting yourself or doing a substandard job. Homeschooling in and of itself will not cure an authority problem, willfulness, or inability to stand up for oneself.

I would only consider homeschooling as a option if you feel your son will respect your authority and will get the work done. And also, only after much investigation to determine the cause of his change of heart at the private school.


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## Sarabeth (Sep 14, 2008)

ovsfarm - thank you for being gentle!! I hear what you are saying. Here's the thing - I never got this far in my first post - DH and I have often said that it would almost be easier if he were a troublesome kid at home. Of course, that's not really true, but he is so good at home. The absolute worst thing I can say is that he doesn't like to clean his room - but really that's about it. He is easy to get along with, rarely talks sassy, doesn't really argue, he just rolls with the punches.

In fact, at times I have thought that this is what makes it difficult to punish (or reward) him. For example, he loves video games. Last time we took all his electronics away, he found an old book on card tricks and was perfectly happy showing us card tricks every 20 minutes. (Maybe not perfectly happy, but you get my meaning.)

DH and I have often said this is a great quality for life, but it makes it hard to punish him. He just goes with the flow. Not at all like DD!

On the flip side, as far as rewards, he has about $120 sitting in my drawer waiting for him to get all c's or better on a report card (from my dad, but I said it had to wait until grades came up). He almost made it this time, but got an F in science!! An F!!!

I agree, homeschooling will not solve everything, I just don't know what to do here. I am afraid sending him back to public school would be a huge mistake.


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## ovsfarm (Jan 14, 2003)

Then consider yourself very fortunate! I know so many moms who bring a kid home and then have a terrible struggle with discipline and can't get anything taught. Then the poor kid eventually gets dumped back in public school, not only with the root problem, and an "acting out" problem, but by then also way behind academically. 

I would check the bullying issue very closely. A lady in my Sunday School class just last night shared that they had discovered that her son, although a linebacker in size, was getting terribly bullied in school. They only found out about it because one of his friends told his mom and she called the lady I know. We are not talking verbal abuse and pushing here, we are talking about viscious beatings in ways that would not leave visible marks and threats of death and harm to the boy and his family. Apparently as decent behavior is no longer common in our public schools, bullying of this type is becoming more and more rampant.

And here we decent parents are, teaching our young children not to hit, bite, or kick, to be nice to others in nearly all circumstances. I have gone through this with my 12yo dd. And now she has some trouble standing up for herself. We know of at least 2 boys who have left the ps system due to bullying and they both are very large kids that you would think would have no problems of this sort. Sorry about the soap box, this is a pet peeve of mine.

If your kid will obey and you can teach him, then at least homeschooling would take care of the academic situation while you are getting the rest sorted out. While we prefer traditional homeschooling where we select (and pay for) our own curriculum, if you are happy with the ps academics, then you might want to consider one of the online virtual schooling options which have been discussed here before. That way you would be keeping pace with the ps material and stay on grade level, in case you later decided to return to the private or public school. They are also usually free and books are supplied by the program.

I would also try to get your kid involved with some special interest groups, kid or adult, where he has a high chance of excelling. Let him experience what merit-based success and approval feels like, instead of diversionary tactics to keep the ridicule at bay. Things like 4-H, outdoor activity clubs such as hiking or canoeing, shooting sports, robotics/remote controlled toys, etc. Find something he likes where he can be one of the top dogs for a while.

You are right, not all people thrive in a group teaching setting, whether due to their own issues or fallout from issues of others. Perhaps you can give your ds the luxury of private academic time and then pick and choose only high quality social activities that meet his needs for a while. Then you can slowly reintegrate him into the larger peer group. Chances are that after he matures some more, he will take a look at the kids whose opinions were previously so important and recognize how childish they are and how unimportant their approval is to him.

Good luck. We are coming along right behind you with a 7th grade 12yo.


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## Sarabeth (Sep 14, 2008)

ovsfarm, thank you so much for you kind and honest words of encouragement. Bullying has definately been an issue in the past. He is a sensitive kid, and this has been an issue - especially in public elementary school. I think this is where the class clown behavior took over - his way of controlling people's laughter. 

DH and I are both so afraid of depriving him of the social aspect of school, but then again, we both had fairly good times in high school. DS has never had that. He's never really had a best friend that he's with all the time. DH and I both had that as kids. 

One thing recently we have found that he loves to do is remodeling type work with DH. We are in a constant (it seems like) state of remodeling or building something. Always have been....we're just project people, I guess! But DS is really good at stuff like drywall, laying tile, etc. He can work the tools - show him once and he can do it. We recently laid tile to set the wood stove on, and he cut all the tile with the wet saw - never made one mistake. He gets so proud of these accomplishments. Especially because when people come over and see him doing this stuff, they can't believe it. Maybe it's like an instant gratification thing - do it, get it done, people compliment it, and there are visible results, on things many adults can't do. So DH is trying to really encourage this type of stuff. Maybe it makes him feel very grown up? 

This is what is so tricky with DS. He is great to have around, great to be around (most of the time, anyway!). It just seems to be school.

We will see. But I feel so much better getting this off my chest.


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## ovsfarm (Jan 14, 2003)

If that's his strength, you might also consider volunteering some time with Habitat for Humanity. He could use his skills in a larger social group where his unique contribution would be appreciated.


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## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

Has your son told you the honest to goodness reason he doesn't like the private school? or the public school he was in? 

We are a homeschool family so I could tell you all the wonderful reasons to homeschool. I went to a private Christan school from 7-12 (public K-6) . I was OK at the private school, but it still wouldn't be called a good or enjoyable time in my life. Public school was pure torture. This is one of the reasons we homeschool.

Homeschooling may be a great solution for you, but I wouldn't do it till you knew why the other options aren't working. Eventually your son is going to have to work with the people that he is currently not wanting to be with. So there is some sort of issue he needs to work through. That can very successfully be done with while homeschool, once you know what it is. It could just be that he doesn't handle "large groups" well. I understand that one as that is one of my problems, LOL.


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## Sonshine (Jul 27, 2007)

Homeschooling isn't for everyone, but why not give it a try? If it doesn't work, you can always enroll him back in public school.


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## RLStewart (Sep 10, 2006)

I don't have any kids so this is perspective from someone who hated school and eventually dropped out. I think the homeschooling sounds like a good idea but also should try to figure out whats going on at school that makes him hate it so much. I only recently realized that I have Aspergers which is why I struggled socially in school. I didn't "get" the other kids and they didn't get me. I was bullied constantly and my self-esteem was just terrible because I didn't understand why people didn't like me. It took me a long, long time to understand that the way I come across to people who don't really know me is not the way I really am. If that makes any sense. Might not hurt to research Aspergers abit if he is having alot of trouble relating to peers and making friends. I know my life would have been alot easier if I would have known I had it at a younger age.


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

He sounds like a unique and very useful person! The other "common o' garden" kids perhaps don't know how to relate to him, or he to them. Bring him home and see how it goes. Let him pursue his interests in remodeling, ( there's a lot of math a geometry integrated in tiling, cutting crown moulding etc, so it could be a part of school) and encourage him to follow his own paths. The flexability of homeschooling might take the pressure off him and allow him to learn and grow, free from all that baggage a school situation encumbers kids with. 

Someone mentioned 4H. 4H actually have hundereds of course books in woodworking, electronics, etc. I always thought they had to be part of a team or group, but there are lots of subjects that kids can work on and get credit for individually.

Jump in to hs and try to make learning more of a positive experience for him. Sounds like he likes to learn. He may make a complete turn around.

Pauline


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## Sarabeth (Sep 14, 2008)

Thank you all so much. You have been so kind and really helped me to feel better. Time seems to be racing by, and it's like suddenly he's 14 - only 4 years of high school left and I just don't want to spend the next 4 years arguing and making myself sick over his schooling.

Thanks for the advice - Habitat for humanity is something i had not considered, but is a great idea. 

I'll talk to DH about sneakily integrating more math into the projects around the house.

I'll keep you posted, and thanks so much.


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## unregistered65598 (Oct 4, 2010)

Until you got the part about him behaving at home, I swear you were talking about my son. But mine is just as bad at not wanting to work for anything here at home as he is at school. I actually came on here to see if maybe HS might be an option for him. But after reading all the post I don't think that would help any. Like your DS mine is very smart, he just does not want to apply himself, always looking to do the least amount of work he has too. How is you DS's test scores. My DS normally does great on tests, but gets F's for homework. Whats really funny ( well not really ) But he will do the assignment and then just not turn it in, what gives? maybe it's because he knows he didn't do it right, and figures why bother? I don't know. Unlike you we live in a very small town, the JR and HS are combined and maybe only 200 kids total, so the teacher do not hesitate to call. I wish you luck, and I think because your son is not messing up at home, HS'ing him could be worth a try.


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## ntjpm (Sep 1, 2008)

Let me tell you a story,  We have two boys DS14 and DS10. DS14 is also in the 8th grade just like your son. He is the most easy going kid I have ever met. Definitely a "glass half full" person:banana02:. And for the most part oblivious to things around him. He "seemed" to love Public school but socially just could not figure it out. He was always being picked on and having trouble with so called friends. He was in speech therapy for a bit having trouble with the TH sound and I was concerned about a few other things like his handwriting, but every time I brought them up I was told he was fine and not to worry.

I tried really hard to help him understand what a friend was and how to be one back, then came 4th grade and his teacher flipped out when she saw his handwriting. She could not read it. I said "I know I have been saying that for years why are you letting him turn his papers in when they are un readable and why are you the first teacher to say something??" 

The school system then proceed to "help" him. They gave him an IEP and he went to "Resource" to get help with writing. Basically they gave him what is called "accommodations" and that translated into, it was ok that his papers were un readable because he had an IEP. And for the state wide test that is required for the school to receive their funding, he could have a scribe. 

This went on for so LOOOOONNNG, here we have middle school and it is 7-8 grade, every year I would go to conferences and leave so mad/frustrated and threaten to pull him and Homeschool him. DH would talk me out of it and I would try PS again the next year just to have to same thing happen all over again. The straw that broke the camels back was the paper that came home graded at a 4/4 (or A) and I could not read one single word on that paper. In 7th grade he no longer had any "resource help" to try and fix the issue he just had "accommodations" so that he could just turn in crap and it was all good with them. I BEGGED them to make him do his work over and they wouldn't they had 80 plus kids to deal with and they did not have the time. 

Finally the day came when I picked him up from school and he told me that he was accused of something that he didn't do. Turned out that his Science teacher gave him detention for calling another kid a name. DS told him over and over that he never did it but the teacher just kept telling my son that he did. I stormed into the school and shoved that piece of paper in that mans face and flat out told him that my son WOULD NEVER serve one minute of his detention. I then went and told the Principal the same thing. He yammered and stammered and then asked me if he could "look into it" I said sure but my son is not lying to me about this and he is not serving your detention. I got a call the next day telling me that the teacher never heard any of it but took the other boys word for it and punished my son anyway. 

He talked to other kids who were seated with my son and yup my son never said a word. The kid (seated on my sons right) was mad at DS because he was talking to much (to the kid on my sons left) and would not shut up so he decided to get him in trouble to shut him up. The principal was sorry. Never did get an apology from the Science teacher. 

SOOOOO now onto this year, 8th grade, I finally did it I found a HS mentor and we are HS him. My DS10 is still in PS (that is a whole other story) and my DS14 is doing so good. His handwriting is actually legible, he told me yesterday that he LOVES school now because no one is teasing him and he can actually just get his work done and get school done with at his pace. 

I so wish I had done this sooner.... DH wants to send him to Public Highschool next year and I am praying for the right thing for him. 

I am sorry this is soooo long but it has been a long time coming for us. LOL We still get him out to Awana and Basketball at the boys and girls club so he gets to be out and about with others his age. I hope this helps you some and wish you all the best. 

If it helps we are doing SOS for Bible, Spanish, LA, History and Science. And Abeka for Math. I took him all the way back to 3rd grade writing with AO for that age group. We also are going to start dictation in January now that he is more familiar with the proper way to make his letters.  

Best of luck, Tracy in WA


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## Farmgirl1971 (Dec 14, 2010)

You can send one to PS and HS the other. My DD is 6 and homeschooled. However eventually the PS one may want to come home to be HS too. My DS 14 is a joy for his teachers. He is respectful and participates in class. He likes projects and regardless of whatever measures we take, even if he does his homework, he doesn't turn it in. He actually does the work I check it, and then he doesn't give it to the teacher! It just boggles my mind! The teachers love him because he isn't a "problem" when they call they all apologize for having to call but he isn't turning work in *again*....

He came home at Christmas break and asked if I would HS him too...
He wants to learn "Mom's way" which is the 15 min lessons, 15 mins self study, 15 min break. then teach Mom.... My DD thinks its "playing teacher" when she teaches me but that's how I check comprehension is through our conversation.

My DS loves to read and if its a topic he likes he does all his own research... History, Science, Marketing, Math all subjects he loves. He couldn't give a flip about LA, Spanish, PE, Health. He is very creative. The moment any teacher talks about something he has already learned...he is bored. He finds repeating concepts over and over that he has already grasped as a waste of his time (I agree) Unfortunately, teachers have to teach to the lowest common denominator of intelligence (No Child Left Behind)

So I am building a plan, and I think I will pull him out at semester break. I'm hoping he will blossem as far as his studies go. We will be very active in outside groups so he is still social - and we have very strong HS groups locally.

------
We have 7 Children. 3 I inherited when their Mom passed away and I met theor father, 1 from a previous marriage, and 3 DH and I had together. The 2 oldest are productive citizens in society and at home we have:
DD 20y, DS 14y, DD 6y, Identical TWIN DS 2y

I will say when DD who is now 20 - when she was 14 she lost her brain too and did the whole refusing to turn stuff in, socializing more important - yada yada - she straightened out and graduated HS with honors.

There's hope.
Keep praying for them - 
Make sure your kids know you love them.... It helps.


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## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

"Now, DS has decided that he is just not going to - well, I don't know. He just HATES it! He hates it. I told him he's not going back to the JR high, but I don't know what to do. The problem is, that this year he has been starting up again with his class clown antics. They don't have time for that at this school, which i totally understand. He gets detention almost every week (they have detention on Thursday's, they work off of a demerit system). We had to go before the school board, because he has received so many detentions - 7 in 10 weeks. I should say, that the teachers, etc are wonderful and supportive - he just doesn't want to be there. The stuff he gets in trouble for is not even major stuff - the principal has even told me that. He's not a bad kid, just disruptive. And doesn't turn homework in. "

First, I want to recognize and compliment you on understanding that the school has standards that they will fight to keep, and for keeping everything in perspective.

You've had some decent advice and some interesting stories, and while I can't fault _any_ of it, I think something is being missed. As background on where I am coming from, my mom was a teacher, my wife is a PhD psychologist, and I've worked with large numbers of teens as an employer.

Your son is exhibiting classic attention getting behavior, and may be using that to diminish the immediate impact to him of other problems he may be having. I used to cut up in class as well, especially when I was bored or out of the group flow, so I can relate to him and some of what you describe.

Embrace the cutting-up, but help him channel it. If there is a local or school acting group, have him try it out. Just make the opportunity and let that play out. If a community college has a class on how to do a comedy club routine, consider that as well. He might try writing comedy skits as well. Some of the language and subject matter will be salty, but at that age he'll be exposed to that and worse anyway, and needs to learn how to deal with it. Alternatively, although he is a little young, a toastmasters or Dale Carnegie course could be helpful and even give him a leg up on relations with his peers and teachers. Besides, it looks great on a resume later on. 

I saved the best for last. A licensed professional counselor who has background in Jungian psychology and/or sandtray work might be able to work wonders. I've seen my wife do it. I do NOT mean just send him to the first counselor you find in the yellow pages. Some are not focused on such problems and are more into marital counseling. You can start here and ask for the name of a practitioner: http://www.gestaltcleveland.org/index.php

There are places in development where kids (and adults) get "stuck", and those two techniques I mention can be fairly fast and quite effective at "unsticking" them. In both techniques, the counselor or "therapist" does _not_ inject personal opinion or bias (that is a HUGE no-no), but reflects and amplifies the processes of the individual, which cuts away all the external chaff from others, and helps focus the person into recognizing and correcting their problems on their own. I leave out the word "merely" because these are powerful techniques that are sadly missing in a world where people are power hungry and want to impose their own biases and beliefs on others. Some people get hooked into the process and continue on for personal development and self-discovery, but the "problem solving" aspect can be swift. Think of it less as therapy than life coaching where the coach is the person himself.


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