# Question about 'intimacy'........



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

It has been almost 30 years since I have been "single".......

I have a for real, serious question to ask.

Is it "the norm" for 2 people to go out on just a handful of dates (know each other 2-3 weeks) and then........you know........have the 's' word?


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Normal is relative.

It is normal for some people. It is not normal for others. You should not be having sex with someone unless you want to. So would it be normal for you? ( No need to answer that here)


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## Rick (May 10, 2002)

It could be normal, but it may not be wise. 

If I were you, I would want to be sure he was as interested in companionship as he was in the " S" paragraph. 

If he isn't the one with questions, and it is you, you already know the answer.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Not for me personally....I'm just asking:

It is the norm in 2015, to know a person for 2-3 weeks, and then have X with them?


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

we didnt get this worlds population with handshakes....lol...somebody has been getting it on..

i think i need to tell my granny she lied about babies being found under cabbage leaves in the garden....snort...lol


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## sherry in Maine (Nov 22, 2007)

if it is right for someone, then I guess so. If it is not right, then no.
If, after 30 years, (or any other length of time) someone enters the dating field, I suggest the 'just friends' part, until that person is sure of themselves emotionally, and not needy. Have fun, go out, even just as 'friends' (go dutch, if it's applicable) but to many people, intimacy doesn't come for a while. 

Here's my story (which I've told before)....dh was very ill, he was correctly dx'd after 4 different drs. He lived another year. There wasn't any intimacy, because he was in constant pain. 7 or 8 months after his death, I met someone and was intimate. I didn't have any expectations, just wanted to be held. Felt pretty necessary. I appreciated what he shared with me. I didn't dump him, we just had an understanding. 
Later in life, I met a nice man, got to know him for a while & just took it easy, didn't rush. He was in same boat as I...he'd lost wife to cancer. So, guess I'm saying, those were 2 different situations. Was it wrong? Lots of folks would say 'yes', but I dont care. It worked for me and the person I was with.

Go out, have conversations, enjoy life. When you are ready, you will know. Sometimes you need a bit of discernment before you know who is the right one.

It's not a race. Enjoy!


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## Buffy in Dallas (May 10, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Not for me personally....I'm just asking:
> 
> It is the norm in 2015, to know a person for 2-3 weeks, and then have X with them?


I don't know if that is the norm now. I've only been single now for 7 months, after 29 years of marriage. 

If thats normal, I'd rather be weird!:teehee:


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Heck with asking us old geezers who havnt been active since who knows when. Maybe find a teenage girl and ask her lol.


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## no really (Aug 7, 2013)

For me intimacy comes with a level of trust and respect. Getting to know someone first. Everyone is different.


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## Bubba1358 (Nov 6, 2013)

It's common, but not normal. Humans aren't meant to so casually give so much of themselves to a near-stranger. It takes a toll, emotionally.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/a...sion-lead-suicidal-thoughts-experts-warn.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...3/how-casual-sex-can-affect-our-mental-health


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## farmerDale (Jan 8, 2011)

In my world, you wait until marriage. But apparently that ain't normal anymore either. But I can tell you what: It is the ONLY safe sex there is, if it is shared with only one person. God knew what He was doing. For physical health reasons, and emotional and spiritual reasons.

Two or three weeks? You don't know anyone well enough to assume they are honest, and well, how do you know they aren't out with several others on the side, just like they are with you?

It is a broken world we live in.


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## ceresone (Oct 7, 2005)

farmerDale, dont you sometimes think we've lived in a different world? I think you have given a good answer, and I agree with you


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

'Normal' is a setting on your dryer. 

(Can you tell I'm doing laundry this morning?) ound:

Seriously, though ... I'll add to all the good advice above: I think it is _common_ enough, nowadays, for a couple to become intimate in a matter of weeks, and thus (even if I had no intention of going that route myself) I don't think I'd hold it against a guy if he suggested it. 

In other words, if a guy made a move, and I explained to him politely what my parameters are (whether it's "waiting for marriage" or "I need to get to know you better" or whatever they might be), and he accepted that respectfully, and agreed to wait until I was ready, I'd go on seeing him, and wouldn't assume he's a dirty-rotten-dog-who-is-only-out-for-one thing. Etc.

Now, if he acted like a spoiled little boy ... not so much, maybe! 

But as Mother always said, "You can't blame a guy for trying!" :hysterical:


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

I'm not wired to be turned on by someone until i get to know them well, decide I like them, respect them, and then have the conversation concerning STD's.

Getting to know someone is one of the best parts of a potential relationship, why rush it? I know a few folks that do the bar thing and hookup, pickup whatever you call it. It seems they always have a guy or a gal around but never ever stay with the same one for more than a few months. They change partners like they change their underwear!! One in particular has Herpes, and doesn't feel the need to tell her partners!! :facepalm: SERIOUSLY!!! She's would be considered a hottie by most people, but she also feels no responsibility to inform her partners! I think she's just a selfish she beast. Herpes can of course be managed and there are work arounds, but its only right to inform potential partners so they can make a choice concerning risks..

To the OP In short no, its not normal. The younger crowd especially does not even respect themselves let alone respect someone else. Its just gratification to many of them. Its a recipe for a train wreck.


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## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

Why should people judge the decisions others make regarding their own bodies? If you want to wait, wait. If you don't, don't. What's right for one person isn't right for another. There's no magical number of days you have to/should wait. It's an individual choice.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

MDKatie said:


> Why should people judge the decisions others make regarding their own bodies? If you want to wait, wait. If you don't, don't. What's right for one person isn't right for another. There's no magical number of days you have to/should wait. It's an individual choice.


I agree. I slept with my partner within a week. Over 15 years together and going strong. Sex is physical intimacy. It is not the most important form of intimacy in any way for many of us.


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## pancho (Oct 23, 2006)

Different people have different ideas when the time is right.
It can vary from day one to never. Just do what you decide is right for you.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Got a question Dale & Cersone. AND< NOT that Im again what you say. Just want to get a clarification.
HOW is sex AFTER marriage THESE DAYS ANY safer than sex before marriage?? IF a partners got STDs, There not going to be less inflicted upon you BEFORE marriage, than AFTER Marriage.
Course, IF what your saying is that you wont have sex with ANYONE who has had sex before, then, I think your safe from any STDs in your lifetime


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## farmerDale (Jan 8, 2011)

FarmboyBill said:


> Got a question Dale & Cersone. AND< NOT that Im again what you say. Just want to get a clarification.
> HOW is sex AFTER marriage THESE DAYS ANY safer than sex before marriage?? IF a partners got STDs, There not going to be less inflicted upon you BEFORE marriage, than AFTER Marriage.
> Course, IF what your saying is that you wont have sex with ANYONE who has had sex before, then, I think your safe from any STDs in your lifetime


You hit it. The point is, you have BOTH reserved sex for each other. You both have had to have made that choice... Sex is so ultra special, when you know it is something you have only ever shared with your one and only.

I do think it is rare anymore. But that makes it even more special. In the promiscuous world we live in, we usually only talk about hiv/aids. But there are a host of other nasties out there, that are very debilitating. 

The ONLY ZERO risk way, is not with condom use. It is finding someone of an equal moral standard, who is your one and only. It is not always easy, patience is necessary, Godly trust is an asset: you don't just pick someone up at a bar and assume they are that one. I would suggest a Bible believing church as a better starting point. But even that is getting questionable in today's age. But your chances are better than many other hook up points...

Of course the above is all contingent on your faith and what your belief system is. I believe it IS for everyone, but realistically, it does not happen that way. We are humans after all. We have choices in life. Thankfully, we are not robotic beings.

It is kind of like divorce: If you both are 100% committed to each other, the chance of divorce is slight. My wife and I agreed divorce is NEVER an option. It is simply something that will not happen. We made sure we knew each other that well. With the Bible as our guide, recognizing that your love is committed to their faith, is pretty easy to see based on the first few dates.

I wish it were the way it generally was. I believe the world would be unrecognizable in a good way, if humankind worked harder in this important area. But we are humans.

Just because we waited for eachother, does not mean we are ahem, boring when we hook up. Au contraire!

Hope that helps your question...


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## Betho (Dec 27, 2006)

I think it's very common with the younger generation (the ones now in their 20s) to have sex or become sexually intimate very quickly. Se doesn't mean as much to them - I blame the prevalence of internet pornography, to be honest. To them, increasingly (obviously, not everyone, but the generation in general), sex is just a way to get off, to scratch an itch, and it is often expected by both parties. It doesn't mean the same thing as it does to people even in my generation (I'm 35).

I think it just depends on your generation, the older you are, the more likely you are to attribute some kind of meaning to sex/intimacy and therefore it isn't something to just be thrown around casually. I'm newly single after being married for 10 years, so even the thought of being with someone (anyone!) right now is squicky, but when I am ready for a relationship there is no way I'd consider it for a very long time. If I ever am willing to be in a relationship again, that is


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Is there an "eye rolling emogee?"
Holy batman simple question.

I was curious if this was the norm, meaning is the common expected behavior in 2015?

I don't give a dog fart what anyone else does with their body.....Long hair don't care.
OMG calm down and eat some fruit! (Mel Gibson; Signs)

Thanks from the 'locals' who know me enough to know I was asking a pretty straight forward simple question on The Single Tree board, where I spend 99% of my time....
YIKES.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Conversation is like making tomato soup, some folks use hot water and ketchup. :facepalm: :runforhills: Others use home grown tomatoes, spices, strainers, milk, cream, mills, pots and pans. :thumb:

Which version would you rather eat??? :hammer:


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

To my way of thinking, if you can't spell it, you shouldn't be doing it.

Mon


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Well, I think your right Dave. Thats what ive been doing since 91. Looking for someone who hasnt had sex. lol


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## TxGypsy (Nov 23, 2006)

As far as I can tell it depends on the outcome you are hoping for. Men like the chase. 

It's kind of like setting the hook when you are fishing. When your bobber starts moving, you don't yank to set the hook immediately. You want the fish to have the bait firmly in their mouth first. If you pull too soon they get off the hook. If you pull too late they have made off with your bait. Essentially, make them work for it a bit.

As to what is 'normal' for 2015....it's a heck of a lot faster than it was when I was a teenager in the 1980's! Even though it is a different decade you are still dating someone that is of your generation. So even though the kids may casually jump into the sack, likely the person you go out with will have similar values and comfort zones to what you have.

Me personally. Fishing was never my thing...too much patience is involved  I am getting better at it though. The last two guys I went out with got very proper dry kisses and a hug at the end of the date. (Those of you that go on the proboards know why this is kind of funny) I went on several dates with both of them and it never progressed past that. For the most part I have not been pressured to jump into bed and have been treated as a lady.

Just a little statistic that I keep in mind. In the US 1 out of every 6 people between the ages of 14 and 49 have herpes! :shocked: Figure that a lot of the people that don't have herpes are married and don't cheat....that really raises the chances that the available partners out there likely have it! Not to mention all the other things that soap and water won't wash off!


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

My last X gave me H when we were going together.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

That was in 74


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## RichNC (Aug 22, 2014)

FarmboyBill said:


> My last X gave me H when we were going together.


You know that doesn't go away right, if you are speaking Herpes, that is a lifelong disease!!


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

you'd better hope she's not reading this Bill. ~Georgia.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Havnt been bothered with it in all this time. Is it like the measles to give you shingles?>?


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## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Is there an "eye rolling emogee?"
> Holy batman simple question.
> 
> I was curious if this was the norm, meaning is the common expected behavior in 2015?
> ...


'

 <----There you go.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Annie, IF (she) hasn't done me any good in 34yrs, who needser lol


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## no really (Aug 7, 2013)

Think I will just back away, :hand:.


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## qtkitty (Apr 17, 2005)

I was told by peers close to my age (30s) that sex first date is the norm and I should be ready to put out on the first date! :what:

I have had comments on the first date from guys digging/hinting a little to hard. Which is not a turn on, just makes you feel all you are and the only reason they wanted to go out was for a [deleted]. 

It definitely makes me feel bad not special. People aren't willing to wait and learn who you are.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

laura,when dw amd I met 36yrs ago?we knew each other 3 days (work)spent the next 35&1/2 yrs getting to know each other.normal?depends on your point of view.now that she's gone,i'll be lookin for my (hopefully )last love.not a [deleted],hookup,plaything.a partner in ALL things. I think normal is & depends on how u were brought up.sorry for the rant.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Excuse me, but what the bloody hades does it matter what everyone ELSE is doing?

Mon


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## RideBarefoot (Jun 29, 2008)

frogmammy said:


> To my way of thinking, if you can't spell it, you shouldn't be doing it.
> 
> Mon


I can dang sure spell it, guess I need to get out more...


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> It has been almost 30 years since I have been "single".......
> 
> I have a for real, serious question to ask.
> 
> Is it "the norm" for 2 people to go out on just a handful of dates (know each other 2-3 weeks) and then........you know........have the 's' word?


 It all depends on the attitudes of the parties involved. Some romantic partners take 3 dates, 3 minutes, 30 years or just 3 seconds for me to :run: a couple times when it was suggested to me by interested women I found to be just too scary for me.

The 30 year time may not realistically qualify as she and I had reconnected after we both returned to where we started after three decades but single again but I did know a couple who were platonically married for 40 years according to the husband, wife and one of the children they adopted.

While neither denounced sexual intimacy for others beyond health and family planning considerations in their conversations with younger couples, when asked why they chose platonic marriage and adoption they simply share that was their choice and they found it satisfying but that choice wasn't right for everyone but good for them and their family.


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

It sure seems so sometimes doesn't it Laura? I do believe it depends on age and life experiences. Maybe morals, but not sure... I think it covers a lot of hidden esteem issues. 

I know I said when I was going thru my divorce and shortly thereafter, I had no plans on being the town bicycle or spread myself so thin that there wouldn't be any thing people didn't no about me.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean I have to do it too. I don't. Men who come on to me physically or sexually are immediately rejected. Not one reference or innuendo. Men who tell me I'm hot are not taken seriously.

Take this off the menu, let those looking for it go somewhere else. You don't even have to be polite about it. These assclowns are blocking the view between you and men with manners and respect who are looking for relationship, not looking to get laid. 

There are plenty of gentlemen who respect women for their integrity, brains and heart. They too prefer to build intellectual and emotional intimacies before moving into physical intimacies. These things take time. It's called emotional maturity. They actually CARE how their actions affect other people, and they hope to find a mate at that level.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> As far as I can tell it depends on the outcome you are hoping for.


I think sex should be an end in itself.

Or to put it another way, there is no good reason to have sex other than the desire to have sex!

If you set out expecting to have a sexual encounter -- no more, no less -- there's still a possibility you'll be disappointed, if he turns out to be hung like a hamster. ound: Kidding, but you know what I mean. :teehee: However, disappointment over subpar sex is nothing compared to the disappointment of (for instance) having believed lovemaking was going to lead to a LTR, and it didn't. Etc. 

If you're only in it for the sex, there is so much less that can go wrong! LOL 

And, of course, if it DOES blossom into a wonderful relationship, well, that's the icing on the cake, isn't it? :sing:


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## violetdelusions (Feb 10, 2015)

I didn't get to catch fully up, but here's a perspective from a 20-something. In my generation, it IS common to have sex within the first month of seeing someone. For some, it's casual and meant to be a "friends with benefits" situation. For others, one person wants to be romantically involved, the other is just playing along to get the physical benefit. In my opinion, it is entirely up to the people involved. Make sure the other person is not seeing someone else, and make sure the two of you are on the same page on what you expect. If all of that is taken care of, I see nothing wrong with it, but would definitely suggest protection.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

A co-worker in his mid 40's told me that he was at the grocery store last week when a woman (in her early 50's he guessed) had two packages of meat in her hands; asked him which one he thought was better....

So he answered her......but then she makes a comment about the meat, that was um, not about the beef in package in her hand, hint hint, nudge nudge.

He was pretty flabbergasted.

Then she "ended up behind him" in the check out lane and he could feel her staring a hole in his rear end!!!!

He said that is not the first time a woman was that aggressive; and another co-worker (who is a couple years older) agreed!!!!

I am stunned.

Anyway, it's not like I am getting asked out (I am not) I just wanted to know what to expect if it ever happened!! HA HA HA HA HA


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

Mother used to say, "You can't blame a guy for trying!" I guess in the modern version, you can't blame a gal, either! ound:

I'll add another funny anecdote just for the heck of it. 

I milk cows for a living, and it's been VERY cold here. The other night, as I was setting up, my boss came in and asked if I wanted the large or the small space heater in the parlor for the night. 

I was thinking, "Dude, it's like 8 degrees, of course I want the big one!" But I didn't want to sound like a wuss, so I said, "Whatever one you want to put in there will be fine."

He laughed and started joking that I must be one of those girls who say that size doesn't matter!

I laughed and said, "Yeah, that's what we SAY, but you know we're really hoping for a big one!" ound:


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## Guest (Feb 14, 2015)

There's a medical phrase for casual sex.."roulette"...when you have sex, you're having sex with everyone who's been with that person sexually...HIV, Hep C, Hep B, Herpes, Syphilis, Gonorrhea...IMHO, I'd want to know a great deal about this person before I jumped into bed with him...more than just a few dates could possibly provide. Just because it feels good doesn't mean you have to do it...


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

And sometimes, things are REALLY not like it first seems.

Back when I was showing my dog, I saw a recently married friend and her husband at a dog show. He was showing their dog and doing a really good job of it.

So when he came out of the ring I went up to him and asked, "Do you do pickups"? His eyes get big and he starts stuttering, so I repeat, "Do you do ringside pickups?" He's still stuttering and wide-eyed and I realize...he may not know what I mean...ohhh...he thinks I mean PICKUP type pickup! And me 20 years older than him!

Oh nutz! So, a quick explanation to him what I was talking about...he was new to showing and had NO idea what I'd meant. Then I went to his wife and told her how I'd mistreated her husband. She thought it was pretty funny; he was just relieved.

Mon

PS..their Saluki will be at Westminster this year!


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

FMammy and Willow, I got the laugh of the morning lol.


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## violetdelusions (Feb 10, 2015)

bostonlesley said:


> There's a medical phrase for casual sex.."roulette"...when you have sex, you're having sex with everyone who's been with that person sexually...HIV, Hep C, Hep B, Herpes, Syphilis, Gonorrhea...IMHO, I'd want to know a great deal about this person before I jumped into bed with him...more than just a few dates could possibly provide. Just because it feels good doesn't mean you have to do it...


Condoms were invented for a reason


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## TxGypsy (Nov 23, 2006)

violetdelusions said:


> Condoms were invented for a reason


Precisely! I do not plan to do without sex out of fear. However, I am a realist and will absolutely use a condom every time.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Forgot to say...Duh! Someone who does "pickups" at dog show is a handler who will take your dog at the spur of the moment and show it in the ring for you, no contract required.

Mon


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

My small camper trailer was packed to the limit, with the help of very good friends. Sweetie hauled that down to AR today. Unfortunately, the packing & stowing went so swiftly, I really did not have time to decide "yea" or "nay" on a lot of that stuff. Sigh! Guess I'll be pitching, tossing and donating lots of stuff when I begin the gargantuan task of UNpacking!


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