# Got a call from X yesterday



## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

She said the Doc told her that her body was slowly shutting down. They correct one malady, and another reacts to that negitivly. She asked if I wanted her to stay in the nursing home or come home here. I said, well, if your gonna kick, you might as well do it here as anywhere else. She said she was glad and was hoping that was what I would say.
She thinks shell be here by her birthday, June 16. I wouldn't put any bets on it. She fought a nose bleed for 6 hrs she said. I remembered that my worthless bro also had nose bleeds as a little kid and the doc put him on alfalfa pills. That was over 60yrs ago. I didn't know if they even made them any more. 
He was supposed to take only 2 pills a day. He said it was dangerous to take anymore. I took 2 doz to prove him wrong. I don't know but I might have crapped a leaf of hay when next I went lol.
My Boy found out that they still make them yesterday and they are cheap.
Don't know if that will help her tho.


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

I wouldn't wait but bring her home now. There isn't much the hospital can do for her and she might as well be home with her family where she can see the fields and animals. I know she is your ex but you are still family.


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## COSunflower (Dec 4, 2006)

When she comes home, who will care for her? It sounds like she will need round the clock care. Are you up to the job FBB?


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

She said the sale C. I said that does that mean hospice? She said no it was different, but somewhat like it.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

As to being (up with it). I wont know till Im at that point.


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## po boy (Jul 12, 2010)

FarmboyBill said:


> As to being (up with it). I wont know till Im at that point.


How did you handle the bathroom type issues when she was there? Do you have the strength to change her diaper?


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Bill, will she be under hospice care when she comes?

Mon


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Po boy. I never had any trouble like that from her.

Mammy, as I said, she said that what she would get would not be hospice, but would be somewhat like it???????????????????


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## COSunflower (Dec 4, 2006)

Maybe just Home Health Care. A lot of older people have that here. Someone comes in daily to help bathe and dress a person, make meals, shop, clean house etc. Some will come at night to help out with bathroom issues etc. and just to keep an eye on them. Depends what insurance or Medicare will pay for. My grandma had a nurse that came bi-weekly to check blood pressure and other health issues. Another lady came twice a week to give her showers. My mom and I did the rest of the stuff for her.


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

My mom was just in the hospital in serious shape, then went to transitional care afterwards. Talk about random and uncaring nurses there. I can see why elders have a hard time recovering in those places. You might be surprised Bill how she reacts to coming home and around folks who care. Getting my mom home has made a huge difference. She was suffering depression and was starting to give up. 
It's a good thing you are doing Bill. Bless you.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

While she was here months ago, she had a woman who came twice a week, did her shoppiong, cleaned her up and did little things around her room and bathroom. THEN she had a nurse come once a week who did I don't know what as I wasn't allowed to see her do it. THEN she had a young gooD LOOKING nurse who talked to her about her mind. I didn't/ couldnt see that either


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## COSunflower (Dec 4, 2006)

Sounds like Home Health Care. I hope that she can get it again so that she can come home.  Keep up the good work FBB!!!


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## CajunSunshine (Apr 24, 2007)

It is amazing what TLC and healthy living can do for a person. I have seen (and also heard, many times) what this can do for people who were knocking on death's door...a complete turnaround and a new lease on life! Other times, it just made the quality of remaining years so much better.



.


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## tlrnnp67 (Nov 5, 2006)

FBB,

Make sure she has all legal documentation in place in case of the worst. That means revocable living trust, last will and testament, living will, healthcare power of attorney, durable power of attorney, and declaration of guardianship in case she becomes mentally incapacitated. Since y'all are divorced, you can't legally help make these decisions without legal permission. Also, make sure her insurance policies and pension/retirement benefits have the correct current beneficiaries on them since they will be separate from the rest of the estate. If she wants you to help with the estate, you will also need to get a notarized document stating that you have permission to obtain death certificates (which you would need to settle a lot of accounts).


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

tlrnnp67 said:


> FBB,
> 
> Make sure she has all legal documentation in place in case of the worst. That means revocable living trust, last will and testament, living will, healthcare power of attorney, durable power of attorney, and declaration of guardianship in case she becomes mentally incapacitated. Since y'all are divorced, you can't legally help make these decisions without legal permission. Also, make sure her insurance policies and pension/retirement benefits have the correct current beneficiaries on them since they will be separate from the rest of the estate. If she wants you to help with the estate, you will also need to get a notarized document stating that you have permission to obtain death certificates (which you would need to settle a lot of accounts).


 Excellent advice.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

My DD an d DS have taken care of that.


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

So are you bringing her home soon?


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

SHE THINKS shell be here on her birthday 6 18, BUT, in the same instance, she is looking to move to a nursing home in Claremore, so that is where things are at at current.


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## vickinell (Oct 10, 2003)

My mom lived in a government subscidized duplex development. She had home health care. But when was put in the hospital they released her to a rest home for rehab. She hated it and some of the other patients drove her crazy. When she was hospitalized again and was there for a week or so, I stayed with her. The doctor wanted her to return to the home and have hospice called in. I said no, I wanted her to go back to her home for hospice care. They did not like that option and I was not sure how I would be able to stay off work, but we did that. My mom was so happy to be back in her own bed. She died peacefully late that night. I was so glad I made that decision.

Times like this can be very hard.


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## Alice Kramden (Mar 26, 2008)

Bring her home, Bill. Even if it isn't her "home" she'll be better off than being neglected and ill cared for in one of those places. Been through it with Mom. She had just enough mental acuity left to know on some level she was in a strange place. She wanted to go home, home where she'd lived for all her life. We didn't realize it at the time, but she knew she was dying and wanted to die at home, but could not tell us that. She just kept saying "home." 

For the love of God and all things do what you can to ease her in her last days. You won't regret it.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I asked her tonight if she was still thinking of being here in the 18th. No, although she sounds better, and says daily she feels better but is just tired. She wanted me to come there on Fathers day. I said id come when I got my check which is next wed. I said the best Fathers Day gift she could give me was to come home.
I think shes tired from doing nothing but watch TV daily. She says shes down to 330. I thought she told me that a couple months ago. I think that if she were here, and got up and out of bed in the mornings, went and sat on the porch at least for an hour in one of my rocking chairs and rocked herself for an hour a day that that would strengthen her legs, besides seeing all everything there is to see outside. It would stimulate her body and her mind, and in doing that, I think that that would keep her awake and alert through the day and cause her to sleep good at night.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

O cant forceable eject her from a nursing home, as we don't even share the same last name anymore. I doubt if her kids would/could do that either.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

FBB, a person has to want it.

Also, if her heart is affected, it is possible that even front porch sitting would be too much activity.

I understand your frustration. My ankles are not that good, and I keep my own weight down partly so I can get around and do the things I want to do. But not everybody cares about such things. Some people really are happier sitting in front of a TV or a computer, as odd as that seems.


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

A big problem when people get very sick is they stay inside under fake lights and other sources of high emi, and don't eat a highly nutritious diet.

One of the best things would be for her to get out in the morning sun barefoot every day and drink spring water. Her battery (mitochondria) is drained and needs to be recharged.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I agree with you both. She said she would come back on her birthday. I will go visit her on her birthday, and kindly as possible tell her that if shes gonna make a carrer? of hospitals and nursing homes, then Ive got to think about doing something different, as I don't wanna spend the rest of my life alone. IF she wants to come home and does, that's great. BUT if she dosnt, OR cant, well, thats another thing entirely.


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## CajunSunshine (Apr 24, 2007)

Bill, I suspect that if she decides to stay in a nursing home, it would be to spare you of the burden of caring for her, and the worse she gets it will be a question of medical necessity. No matter how gently you break the news to her, it would not do any good to tell her about your thoughts of not wanting to be alone, and it would certainly not influence her decisions regarding a nursing home. It would only result in hurt feelings, and would accomplish nothing else. If she does stay in a nursing home, then it is pretty much an unspoken understanding between the two of you that you are free to pursue whatever... And besides, it's not like you have another red-hot option waiting in the wings or something.

Sometimes it is best not to say anything because things have a way of sorting itself out with no help from us.

.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I guess I agree with you. Yes its not like I have a red hot option, BUT, I kinda think that IF she thought I might find one, it might hurry her healing along, IF indeed she is to that point.


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## ShannonR (Nov 28, 2012)

FarmboyBill said:


> I guess I agree with you. Yes its not like I have a red hot option, BUT, I kinda think that IF she thought I might find one, it might hurry her healing along, IF indeed she is to that point.


I think that saying anything like that to her is a bad idea. for alot of reasons.

First, its rude. Second, its manipulative of you. Third, she may not be able to magically get well just because that's what YOU want, that's sort of an unrealistic expectation if you ask me. Fourth, why would you hold that over the head of someone you obviously love? 

Put yourself in her shoes and think about this for a few minutes from her point of view instead of through the lens of your wants.

It's a bad idea, Bill. What if you told her that and she died the next day, would you be able to live with yourself?


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## CajunSunshine (Apr 24, 2007)

Bill, I figured that's what you were thinking, and you care deeply for her. But no suh. If anything, it would ensure the notion that she is easily replaceable. Owww, that would hurt, and defeat your purpose. A lot.

Unsolicited advice: Treat her like gold; make her feel like a million dollars...because you really do treasure her and because people are naturally drawn to where they feel appreciated. If she still decides that facilities more medically advanced than your home is in everyone's best interests, then you can rest easy: you did your best by her. You will not be haunted later by the "what ifs" that have a maddening way of of popping up after our loved ones pass on.


.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

yup, your all right. I don't know how its gonna end, but theres got to be a closure somewhere down the line, sometime, if the situation is gonna remain as it is.


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## ShannonR (Nov 28, 2012)

FarmboyBill said:


> yup, your all right. I don't know how its gonna end, but theres got to be a closure somewhere down the line, sometime, if the situation is gonna remain as it is.


Why?


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I don't want to be hooked up with someone I have to go see in a hospital or nursing home. I hate those places, and have avoided them nearly all my life.
ALSO, I don't want to live out here alone for the rest of my life. its lonely, its dangerous, and I just miss talking to someone that's there and sees what I see.
Ive always said, that I loved the gal she once was. I took care of her thinking that she would again become somewhat like that person. It hasn't happened. I don't love her for the way she is, and never have.


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

Bill, all things come to pass, don't push it. Just be there.


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## ShannonR (Nov 28, 2012)

FarmboyBill said:


> I don't want to be hooked up with someone I have to go see in a hospital or nursing home. I hate those places, and have avoided them nearly all my life.
> ALSO, I don't want to live out here alone for the rest of my life. its lonely, its dangerous, and I just miss talking to someone that's there and sees what I see.
> Ive always said, that I loved the gal she once was. I took care of her thinking that she would again become somewhat like that person. It hasn't happened. I don't love her for the way she is, and never have.


You call her your X......... not your significant other, or friend, or anything else. Remember Bill, I totally understand where you're coming from....in fact, I am sitting in my ex husband's house writing this!

Methinks you're trying to turn a friendship into something it isn't. . . Would you rather have her as a friend, or not at all? 

As we age, we realize the need for companionship over the sex and excitement of our youth. Please, don't throw this away. You already have something special!!


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

Don't throw away what you have for something that doesn't exist. Also, remember it isn't all about you. It's scary facing issues like she has alone, or at least, without a friend by your side. You can choose to be selfless or selfish in this relationship.


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## CajunSunshine (Apr 24, 2007)

100% to the previous 3 comments! 

Situations like these are opportunities to grow outside our comfort zone; the rewards are many, and they will be lasting tributes to what loving kindness really means. In that light, regardless of the outcome, we will not be disappointed.



.


.


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## krackin (Nov 2, 2014)

You need to watch out for yourself. Compassion is a wonderful thing. Reality isn't. 

Best to ya, win lose or draw.


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## Nsoitgoes (Jan 31, 2016)

FarmboyBill said:


> I don't want to be hooked up with someone I have to go see in a hospital or nursing home. I hate those places, and have avoided them nearly all my life.
> ALSO, I don't want to live out here alone for the rest of my life. its lonely, its dangerous, and I just miss talking to someone that's there and sees what I see.
> Ive always said, that I loved the gal she once was. I took care of her thinking that she would again become somewhat like that person. It hasn't happened. I don't love her for the way she is, and never have.


I understand where you are coming from, but please do not tell her what you have shared here. That would be unnecessarily cruel. Equally - it is my understanding that you are/were registered on a couple of dating sites for quite a while and they never produced any long term prospects, so these plans of a new love interest may not come to fruition anyway. If you want my unsolicited advice, it would be to remain kind and see what the future brings in the way of your ex's progress.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Your saying, that, say she lives for another 10yrs but does it in a hospital and nursing home, that I should rot away here alone by myself into my 80s?
I think Krakin says it best. My kids havnt been here in near a year. I have to go see them. Seeing DD is easiest as she stays home now taking care of my GD, and she usually gives me money for gas.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

FarmboyBill said:


> SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Your saying, that, say she lives for another 10yrs but does it in a hospital and nursing home, that I should rot away here alone by myself into my 80s?
> I think Krakin says it best. My kids havnt been here in near a year. I have to go see them. Seeing DD is easiest as she stays home now taking care of my GD, and she usually gives me money for gas.


Sooooooo you're saying that you're willing to let her rot in a nursing home since, in your eyes, she has no use other than to keep you from being lonely at home and if she can't provide that service she is no longer useful to you? Maybe she is better off without you. Did you really mean to come across as that callous and uncaring?


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

FarmboyBill said:


> SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Your saying, that, say she lives for another 10yrs but does it in a hospital and nursing home, that I should rot away here alone by myself into my 80s?
> I think Krakin says it best. My kids havnt been here in near a year. I have to go see them. Seeing DD is easiest as she stays home now taking care of my GD, and she usually gives me money for gas.


You're a religious guy. What does the Bible say? Or maybe you could pray about it.

There's a solution that is good for both of you. You just haven't found it yet.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Bill, you get more flies with honey than with vinegar. And, you are not ready to have her home, yet: even if she were to say yes tomorrow there will be arrangements that you would have to make. Use this time to find out more about what would need to be done.

You posted earlier that the doc told her that her organs were shutting down. So, she is scared and wants to be where she knows people are capable of taking care of her, and it is possible that you would not be able to give her the care that she needs. Bill, my family has a proud history of taking care of kin who are dying, and I tell you that you will need more help than you think. The care needs to be 24/7 at times.

My serious advice to you would be to let things ride for 2 weeks until she knows more about her condition: doctors are not always right. THEN ask her again, and mention that hospice will provide such things as Aides to help her, and probably a hospital bed as well. A hospital bed will mean that the bed will help her sit up, and bars she can use to help her change her own position in bed.

Give her a little more time, which you could use as well.

Is she on hospice? If so, talk to the hospice about what she would need +if+ she were to go home with you. Ask them how much of that they will provide. That way, when you ask her again in a couple of weeks you can PROBABLY tell her that hospice will set her room up with a hospital bed and whatever else she needs, and provide an Aide to help her with her hygiene and such as well.

It may also be that she will need someone to help her turn over every 3 hours, night and day. This is common. Hospice will know if it is necessary or not. The turning of a patient is actually pretty easy once you know how: waking up to do it is not so easy.

Then again, she might decide to stay in the nursing home because she is surrounded by people all of the time. Some people enjoy that.

Oh, yes, edited to add: I am pretty sure that the reason Bill's children have not visited lately is because they have jobs and children to keep them busy, and because Bill lives a fair distance from them. My own DD only visits us about twice a year, though we do talk on the phone.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

She quit taking a certain medicine and has been getting progressively better the last 3 weeks or so. Shes always tired, and cold. Her BS spikes very occasionally now, so it would seem the Drs are Dring her to death, or were. She says she has to get a bigger breathing machine and a couple other things, but shes the one getting them, im not.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

If she is correct in having lost weight, she might need fewer meds. After being diagnosed with diabetes I lost 30 pounds, which resulted in me using less diabetes meds and less blood pressure meds.

I am glad she is feeling better!


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

Bill have you said or implied the things you said here to her? If you have then can you blame her for not trusting you to move back? None of us would want to go in less than stellar health let along age to a place where we are not valued for who we are. You aren't the man you were when you were together, why do you expect her to be?

I wish her well, as happy a life as she can have and peace. Hopefully you can bring some of that to her. It's not her responsibility to placate you. We are each the drivers of our lives, just gotta make the right turns. I hope it works out well for you both.

On another note. Isn't your year period on not making payments coming up soon? Does she know that? Maybe she is worried too about being homeless if you can't refinance or afford to keep the place. I haven't read about your struggles with that issue for a while so don't know if you've got that figured/fixed but it would scare me if it's not.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Nope, I aint said a peep
I never had a year of not making payments. I just had a year of just making interest payments. That ended last Sept. I am currently keeping the place by myself and making full payments. JUST BARELY, IF she were here than they would pay her the money theyre currently paying her health care giver/place.


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

Didn't seem like you've had your place that long. Good job Bill, I no it's not easy. Like everyone else said just give her time to come to terms with it all. Doing that with my mom, she went on hospice last week. It's hard to have those reality checks. 

Hope it all works out ok for you both. At least summer is here and you can get out and do some chores and garden etc.


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## COSunflower (Dec 4, 2006)

I always had the feeling FBB that you were mainly interested in the X coming to live with you to share expenses and keep you company. You could do that by getting another old man room mate. You could sit on the porch and grump together and go to the auction to look at the pretty girls together too and maybe keep each other in check from buying too much!!!


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Spose I could, but I guess I need a woman, as I always have, AND theres no old geezers that I could stand to be around from here. This is all ranch country. There are NO farms anywhere around here that im aware of, hence, no farmers.


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## ed/La (Feb 26, 2009)

She is your x for a reason. Her children should take care of her. It is an honor and curse to take care of someone while they die. I took care of my brother, hospice twice a week for an hour. We did the rest, He had no money so we used mine. He did not want to die so stayed alive a long time. He thanked me and would of been screwed without my help. Now I have no money. Glad I took care of him but now old and broke.


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## rickfrosty (Jun 19, 2008)

Dutchie said:


> I wouldn't wait but bring her home now. There isn't much the hospital can do for her and she might as well be home with her family where she can see the fields and animals. I know she is your ex but you are still family.


Hi Dutchie !


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I went to see her day before yesterday. brought her a MW as she said her food was cold a lot of the times by the time they brought it in. Today DD and DGD and I went to see her. We stopped off at WM and got stuff like lemon juice, ketchup, Musterd, and other stuff she wanted. She aint coming outa there till they roll her out the door with a swift kick to keep her rolling.


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

Well that means she comfortable right? Really can't ask for more than that if she's not getting better as you mentioned her organs are shutting down. I would want my mom comfortable and happy in her final days.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

If she also had you pick up steak sauce for her....no need to pack her suitcase, she likes where she is!

Mon


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

AS A MATTER OF FACT< DD did just that.


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## DKWunlimited (Sep 11, 2006)

FarmboyBill said:


> SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Your saying, that, say she lives for another 10yrs but does it in a hospital and nursing home, that I should rot away here alone by myself into my 80s?
> I think Krakin says it best. My kids havnt been here in near a year. I have to go see them. Seeing DD is easiest as she stays home now taking care of my GD, and she usually gives me money for gas.


Bill, here are my 2 thoughts. Comeing from someone in a wheelchair that many people have told me makes me a burdon. IF you take her in, do it from a standpoint of caring about her final days, and make that the focus. A side bonus is that you have someone to talk to and keep you company. It should never be about what she can do for you.

and #2 Do you ever invite your kids to come visit you? My parents live 1 mile from me (I moved here for that reason), I talk to them on the phone daily but havn't been in their house for almost a year, the reason being is that they have their routines and don't like to be interupted. My kids go over and rototil or help pick the garden when asked and I shuttle to doctors when asked. The key is "when asked".. Try asking.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

yes, Ive asked many times. DD has grand child and dosnt like to travel with her in tow. Boy and his wife both work, and have school and church functions
I would love to have my boy come over and help me put in ACs, and have asked, but he hasn't done it. He parked a junked but brand new brush hog over here, and I bet I end up taking it to his place to get rid of it. Ive roto tilled their garden for 8hrs, and expected him to help. Hasn't happened. Hes always been of the openion, if it benefits him, he ll do it. Otherwise, wait and see. DD gives me money to come over and see her, so that she dosnt have to come over to see me. $10/20 therebouts, couple times a month.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

FarmboyBill said:


> Hes always been of the openion, if it benefits him, he ll do it.


Sounds like my son. I hope he outgrows it, and he might as he is still in his early 20's.

When he wants something from me, I spell it out "If I do will you (etc)?" And then he usually does it.

Usually.

So perhaps he will outgrow it. Maybe.


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## DKWunlimited (Sep 11, 2006)

FarmboyBill said:


> yes, Ive asked many times. DD has grand child and dosnt like to travel with her in tow. Boy and his wife both work, and have school and church functions
> I would love to have my boy come over and help me put in ACs, and have asked, but he hasn't done it. He parked a junked but brand new brush hog over here, and I bet I end up taking it to his place to get rid of it. Ive roto tilled their garden for 8hrs, and expected him to help. Hasn't happened. Hes always been of the openion, if it benefits him, he ll do it. Otherwise, wait and see. DD gives me money to come over and see her, so that she dosnt have to come over to see me. $10/20 therebouts, couple times a month.


I am so sorry. My boys are 19 and 20 and jump at the chance to spend time with their grandpa. Of course I have never really given them an option. From the time they were little I have always insisted that family helps family and someday he won't be there. My daughter is at their house right now helping my mom get laundry done. 

I'd be kicking some butts! Give me their numbers and I will anyway! lol


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## krackin (Nov 2, 2014)

Hell, I'll gladly do the same thing. I'm up at 4 AM Eastern and I ain't all that pretty until coffee has perked. Yup, I perk my coffee.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Heck Terri, all my kids are in their 40s. They aint gonna change.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

My boys lazy. Just like his mom. My DD is a worker


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

FarmboyBill said:


> My boys lazy. Just like his mom. My DD is a worker


Just like her Dad?


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Somewhat. She has a garden with her city boy husbands somewhat help. DS said yesterday that their garden went back to grass.


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

Bless you for offering to care for her.. I don't know her health problems or your situation between you two but I am sure she loves you for offering!


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Yup I suppose your right. I imagine that she likes anybody who will take care for her so she dosnt have to take care of herself.
Shes even getting, I think, bored talking to me. I usta call at 1 in the afternoon. Did that for a long time. Now she says they bring her lunch at 1. So now I call at 2, and after awhile she says that theyre bringing her a pill or taking a bath or ? She dosnt have anything different from day to day to talk about, but I listen as im bored here with nobody to talk to. She, I think is bored hearing about anything here, or what im doing, and has several other people to talk to, soooooooooooooooooo


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