# A bad influence...neighbor's kid



## mpillow (Jan 24, 2003)

A little background: The people in front of us (shared drive) are mother(70's) and son. He is 50's and disabled from strokes caused by decades of heavy drinking, mom lives there and takes care of him. Her #2(50's) son plead guilty to child rape and did time in the big house, now on disability and free. Has 5 or 6 kids from age 35 down to age 8. His 35 yo son did time for attempted murder but now free. The grandmother often takes the 8yo grand-daughter because her father doesn't want to be bothered and the child's mother (mom and dad never married and not together) is 35 and a drug addict on a full welfare boat and section 8 housing. I really like the grand mom, she's nice and she used to own the house we live in. I think she means well for her grandchild but because the kid has not been raised with any kind of consistency, she is a BRAT of the first order. Grandmother rarely says no to grandchild and when she has-- grandchild is physical with her. 

Grandma and I have talked extensively about what GD needs. The state has been called many times. At age 4 the kid tested positive for POT. Whenever grandma has this kid...she is constantly in my yard as soon as we get up or get home. At age 6 she stole something off my kitchen table(grandma returned it). Many times I have had to force her to go home. My husband has carried her home....she is 4.5 ft tall and 100 pounds. Her clothes leave her crack and her breasts hanging out:tmi:....by age 7 she was yelling "F U" in my yard...:grump: I have had trouble with her screeching during milking time, putting bunny babies in with wrong moms---my DD knows better and fixed this. 

My DD12( that plays with this child ) is adopted and has behavior stuff from RAD. She is easily distracted (by this child at chore time). My DD does not have good judgement skills, and with a negative influence she requires a lot of management. 

Well yesterday, my DH came home from job hunting and had our car, he no sooner sat down inside and the kid was all the way in our house! (not the first time!) So he says "C" is not here, so you better go back to grams. DD and I got home an hour later, within 5 mins gram and child show up. I let DD play for a few minutes while I got dinner. Called DD in, she ate and then we did chores...who should show up? yep! so they get to playing DD is not getting work done....I finish up loose ends, its getting dark....I took in the milk and DH asked where DD was....outside with neighbors kid playing....

He went out the door in a HUFF! "Can't you see its dark outside? You girls should get inside and ready for bed (near 8pm) " My DD had a meltdown as gram and kid walked back home. She yelled at her dad " you are ruining my life:blossom:".....(like a fart in church)....my husband lectured her and sent to bed and then said he was going up to the neighbors(I thought he was bluffing).He got to neighbors and said " I really don't want to hurt your feelings, BUT I don't want that child at my house ANYMORE. I have one shot with this kid of mine and your kid is making a hard job harder and I'm all set."

And a chill went through the neighborhood.:hrm:


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## bluemoonluck (Oct 28, 2008)

I feel for the neighbor's grandchild.... but your #1 priority has to be YOUR own kids. Do what you need to do to keep them safe and raise them right.


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

I'm Sorry. But, the Kid does sound harmful to your lifestyle and Family.


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## paradox (Nov 19, 2012)

He did the right thing. I have had to pull my kids away from many kids that were a bad influence. 

Sometimes your child can be a good influence on a kid that desperately needs it. We have had a few of those kids that hang around. They could be at our house but DD can't go to theirs. They are supervised and not left to their own devices. As long as DD seemed to be a good influence on them, it works fine. But if it is working the other way around then you got to pull her out and protect her.


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## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

That is a father. Be proud.


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## SLFarmMI (Feb 21, 2013)

I feel for this little girl. Her behavior really isn't (at this point) her fault. She has learned what she lives. Some tough love from someone who sets and enforces clear, consistent rules and consequences could salvage her life. Sadly, from what you've shared, she isn't going to get that at her house or at grandma's house. It sounds like she likes your house probably because, unconsciously, she knows there is something different between your family and hers.

IF you choose to allow her back on your property, I would suggest having a heart to heart with her and grandma and laying down the following ground rules. 
1) She may come only at certain times -- No coming at chore time until she earns the chance to do so by following your rules and showing appropriate behavior.
2) She may not come into your house without your permission. She must stand on the porch and knock and wait to be allowed in.
3) No swearing or disrespectful language.
4) When you or your husband say it is time to leave, she must go without arguing.
5) No handling the animals without your permission and supervision.

When she can handle these rules consistently and respectfully, then she can be allowed more privileges and responsibilities. In my experience, children will live up or down to your expectations of them. I have had students who won't behave for their classroom teachers but they do for me because they have firm, consistent, no-nonsense limits and they know that I expect it of them. However, you have to make the decision if you should give her another chance or if you should cut all association. I wish you good luck in whatever you decide.


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## shannsmom (Jul 28, 2009)

A big YAY for your DH!!!! Yes, I think we all feel badly for that child, but won't you feel worse if your child's life is ruined because of that family? It is great to care for others, but your own family must be your first priority.


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## Wolfy-hound (May 5, 2013)

What SLFarmMi said.

You HAVE to either make her behave or she has to go home, no if's and's or but's. If she acts up, she goes home INSTANTLY. If she disobeys a rule that you set, she goes home INSTANTLY. If she can't behave, she can stay at HER house. She is not your responsibility and you have no responsibility to entertain her at all.

Good for dad. You both need to make certain your kid understands that no matter what the other kids do, SHE will be punished for not behaving properly. No blaming the other kid, no excuses because of her past. 

I've had raving brats behave perfectly for me because I was firm and I never ever let them get by with stupid stuff. I was perfectly fair, if they behaved, they got to do a lot of cool/fun things. If they were brats, they got treated like brats deserve.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

I believe you wrote about this problem before. I don't know what you can do about it because your DD needs a friend, and this neighbor child is has no boundaries and no structure. Is she getting any type of counseling? You need to contact someone in authority. They won't necessarily take her away from Gram, but maybe if Gram had some help it might bode better for this kid. The problem isn't going to go away.


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## Ernie (Jul 22, 2007)

Maura said:


> I believe you wrote about this problem before. I don't know what you can do about it because your DD needs a friend, and this neighbor child is has no boundaries and no structure. Is she getting any type of counseling? You need to contact someone in authority. They won't necessarily take her away from Gram, but maybe if Gram had some help it might bode better for this kid. The problem isn't going to go away.


Oh yeah. That ought to make that tense neighborhood situation better ... calling CPS on the other family.

Boundaries have been drawn, the family unit has been protected. Daughter doesn't need a friend so bad that she needs a _bad friend.

_I say leave it be. Nothing further needs to be planned out. Let things settle and then reevaluate the situation.


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## BlueRose (Mar 7, 2013)

I agree with Ernie.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

It seems to me that the best thing for this girl is for her to be taken away from her family. She needs serious help and that home does not sound like a place for any child. The Grandmother may love her, but she needs to have structure and discipline. I would think either the child or the child molester is not living there legally.


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## Ernie (Jul 22, 2007)

Before any of you go calling CPS, remember that you've heard ONE HALF of this situation and only second hand.


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## Grumpy old man (Aug 6, 2013)

Raising children was hard enough (mine are in their 30's ) You have to concentrate on your own and not have to also raise the neighbors kids , My house ,My rules, No exceptions !


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## mpillow (Jan 24, 2003)

The dad and the gram have involved CPS and mom was in rehab(outpatient)....played the game...she has been investigated at least 4 times that I know of....the state has budget problems so they have relaxed some policies.


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## backwoods (Sep 12, 2004)

Molly Mckee said:


> It seems to me that the best thing for this girl is for her to be taken away from her family. She needs serious help and that home does not sound like a place for any child. The Grandmother may love her, but she needs to have structure and discipline. *I would think either the child or the child molester is not living there legally.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> I definitely agree with this. I would call children's services and see if THEY know he and she are both living there? The child may be being abused, thus the inappropriate behavior. Granma may seem to mean well, then again, she maybe an inabler. I know of just such a case, with VERY similar circumstances, (mom was druggie, mom's dad was drunk/druggie, they all lived at granma's house along with an uncle & a cousin who were druggies)
> The child was being abused, didn't tell until several years later after she tried to kill herself, at 12 years old! She was also having "shotguns" blown in her face by the pot user's. For anybody who doesn't know what a shotgun is, they'd take a deep draw on the pot, then blow out the smoke in a stream into child's face so she'd inhale it and get high. Then after she was, they molested her (uncle & cousin). The kid doesn't have a chance in hades, in a place like that. Yes, keep your child away from there! If nothing changes, it can't end well. The kid I know is SO messed up now. First she acted out by being bratty, then down right defiant, then sexually promiscuous, now she thinks she's a lesbian. She just turned 13.


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## unregistered358895 (Jul 15, 2013)

I lived with my Grandma in high school (dad abandoned our family and mom is an alcoholic and pill addict) and in the summer my cousins would come stay with us (their mom, dad and step parents were drug abusers). It was strange. My parents raised me and my brother very strict, and my grandma expected us to behave accordingly. The cousins were given a pass frequently when they acted out because they "had it so much harder" until they started stealing, and then they couldn't stay any more.

It was all hard on Grandma, and I don't know how she coped with discovering her two daughters were users. I especially don't know how she put up with helping to raise 4 of her grandchildren.

I feel for your neighbor, and think your husband did the right thing. Personally, I think if you do allow her back over that not only should she abide by rules like what was listed above, but she should also have her own set of chores. "We work at our house" is a rule my grandma had, and it helped.


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## HTWannabee (Jan 19, 2007)

Also keep in mind that as this child gets older it may only get worse, very likely so. Picture her age 13 and what she will be doing. It is a difficult situation for sure. We have a bratty but not so dangerous neighbor. She obeys me but not her own parents. I can not imagine what it would be like if she was outright dangerous as your neighbor sounds. DH is on the right track.

Good fences make good neighbors or at least better ones. Can you invest in some and would that work with your driveway situation?


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Your DD does NOT need a friend so desparately that it would be that girl. Keep her away from negative behavior.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

I would not let my DD have that girl as a friend. I would be sure my DH is never alone with her, and I would be all over child protective services. It's kids like you neighbor they are supposed to be protecting.


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## bluetogreens (May 31, 2010)

This is gonna be an out of the box type thing, I have the put up or shut up mentality a lot like your DH who did the right thing IMHO. 

Here is the out of box thought, if you are financialy and mentally ready, see if you can adopt this girl or at least foster her taking legal temp custody from the gram- then you can legally block the fathers/brothers uncles etc. from intervenning and actually give the girl a chance. I do not think you are a bad person or in any way responsible for what occured and what not, but a $35 court fee and $3 notary fee and you could have custody of that girl and save her to and in turn save your daughter.

I really wish I could become a foster parent, in part that is why I became a recruiter voluntarily in the AF to give kids from my old neighborhood the same chance and path in life I was given. (recruiting is considered a hardship tour to many as it ends many a folks careers)

But I and my wife quickly become too attached and we believe it would kill us trying to. Not to mention my disabilities and our lack of income coming in the near future.


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

It would never work fostering a next door neighbor's child. For fostering to be successful the child needs to be removed from the bad situation far enough she can't run back. I too would be very concerned that the girl might be a victim of the sex offender. Your dh should never be alone with the child because a child that has been or is being molested by a family member will often lay the blame on someone outside the family. 

I had a similar problem when we were in Des Moines only it was 3 kids. The kids were at my house every day after school. When my 2 yo dd let out a string of cuss words the like of which I'd never heard I drew my line and I explained to the 3 why. It was a week before Christmas and extremely cold. I sent the kids home (next door). Two hours later they came to the door frozen and said their step-father was sleeping and wouldn't let them in. I called the police. After a discussion with the police officer the step-father never locked them out again. A few weeks after Christmas the kids came to the door and asked if they could come in and play and promised they wouldn't cuss anymore. I let them stay and we had no further problems.


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

mpillow, you are going to have to adopt a "locked door" policy. Once everyone comes in you lock the door. A neighbor that just walks in unannounced is trouble.


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## mpillow (Jan 24, 2003)

The sex offender is her father not her uncle.

I have no interest in trying to be a foster/adoptive parent to this kid and my husband would have me committed for speaking such nonsense! We have fostered and adopted the one we have. People have no idea what a long and stressful road parenting a kid with RAD is....most of these kids end upin residential homes/hospitals by age 13..... AND that is the last thing I want for my DD....so I am keeping very close tabs on her!!!

My own step sister lost her kids due to crack/prostitution/dad was a sex predator...she asked my husband to takethe kids....a flat "no" answer---As in you wont have any reason to be near my family, your kids willnever act out sexually with my other children, and I don't want you begging money/stealing from me (period!)

Call me cold and heartless. I've learned not to play with fire.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

mpillow said:


> The sex offender is her father not her uncle.
> 
> I have no interest in trying to be a foster/adoptive parent to this kid and my husband would have me committed for speaking such nonsense! We have fostered and adopted the one we have. People have no idea what a long and stressful road parenting a kid with RAD is....most of these kids end upin residential homes/hospitals by age 13..... AND that is the last thing I want for my DD....so I am keeping very close tabs on her!!!
> 
> ...



Ardie>>>>>standing ovation for Mpillow! :thumb:


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

I won't call you cold and heartless. Your first duty is to your family. Not your fault other people don't care about theirs.


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