# One Needing Help All The Time



## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Ok last couple weeks have been unable to do much as far as keeping Yard and Housework done. Don't see things changing.

Ok how many all of a sudden find themselves taking care of their Mate and everything they did around the House?

big rockpile


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## MoBookworm1957 (Aug 24, 2015)

I help out my parents right now.
Their health isn't very good.
I go over several times a day to check on things.


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

I started taking care of the house , dogs and property when my then mate 20 years ago left shortly after a house fell on her sister (yes a wizard of Oz pun there ).

To achieve a level of balance inside and out, I simply took care of the dogs first, my small garden second and for other outdoor chores during the day I followed a pattern of addressing 25 by 25 foot plots one at a time from around the house first and circling my way out in a chore rotation.

In between sections of work , I rest or do other things I enjoy. After the sunlight runs out, I do the kitchen basic clean up and maybe one room cleaning a week, sometimes two.

After initially scalp mowing around the house and dog kennel, now before mowing some of the deeper 25 foot square plots in the outlying areas of my property, I often scalp the shorter areas around the house usually in a third of the time it takes to do the scheduled deeper section.

Since for outside mowing I use a self propelled walk behind mower most days I keep at least 1/4 of the area around the house scalped, scalp and grass thatch the area chosen for the days deep mow and get my needed walk exercise.

After the fall killing frost I generally spend 3 weeks scalping the entire acreage I mow for exercise before having a hired bush hogger come in to scalp the remaining acreage.

Until Spring and the start of my rotation again, I concentrate on the inside chores and wine making from wine must fruit I had juiced and frozen during the season in between my chore and relaxation periods of the day same as I do during the warmer months.

One person can take care of most all that is required just as long as they make a plan, keep it within reason and provide themselves adequate rest and relaxation time of their needs and desires to decompress and don't expect to do it all right now and realistically pace themselves.

Keeping needs and goals within reasonable limits is always important.


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## farmrbrown (Jun 25, 2012)

Yep, it happens sometimes.
I was blessed with better physical health than my wife.
"To much is given, much is required."

Consider how you'd feel if it was reversed?
Not many would trade being ill or bed ridden for being able to do things for themselves or others.
Just pace yourself and do the best you can. Then thank the Lord for His blessings.


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## dsmythe (Apr 21, 2013)

farmrbrown said:


> Yep, it happens sometimes.
> I was blessed with better physical health than my wife.
> "To much is given, much is required."
> 
> ...


AMEN farmrbrown!
My wife has had multiple health issues for the past 9 years, amputation, heart attacks, joint pain, and recently a 3X bypass and is faced with 3 blockages in her "good leg" which we address today, and a 97% blockage in her carotid artery in her neck which we address as soon as we take care of the leg. We are blessed beyond measure that at least one of us is able to care for the other one.
She gets discouraged that she can't do what she once could which I understand. I had a lady come help me clean the house while she(my wife) was in rehab. I am not nearly as good a house keeper as she was but I try. I do a lot better with the yard and farm but still I get discouraged that I can't do all that needs to be done. We don't have kids close so if we don't do it, it goes undone which really doesn't matter. BRP sometimes we have to be placed in situations like this to learn that we have other people in our lives who can and will help. Sometimes we have to learn what is important and what is not. I love what farmrbrown said,"Do the best you can" and "Then thank the Lord for His blessings", He does take very good care of His children.
You are in my prayers, Dsmythe


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## In The Woods (Apr 27, 2017)

My wife became partially crippled up about 10 years ago. I was still working then (away from home every other night). On the days when I was home (every other day) I would take care of all the chores and be sure she was setup with everything she needed before I left for work again.

Then it was my turn to get partially crippled up. Now it is teamwork just to get the basics done to keep up with the place. There are many things that don't get done which should and it drives me nuts. I thought seriously about moving to a retirement type village but just can't do it.

As long as I can keep the grass mowed and the snow plowed I am happy now. With a 100+ year old house there is always something breaking down. I've had to call a contractor a couple times but just can't afford to do that.

I don't know how long we can keep making it here but we try every single day to stay. We have no help from relatives or friends (don't have any).


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## catsboy (May 14, 2015)

I have similar issues. My wife has had both knees replaced, left shoulder replacement and 4 disc fussed in her lower back. During the recoup from the back surgery she fell and got a deep bruise in her right hip and is undergoing physical therapy to correct the muscles that just locked up around the hip. All in the last 4 years. Prior to that she was my energizer bunny, always on the move always doing something. She wouldn't even sit through commercials on TV, always getting up do something for the two minutes of break. She has been concerned for me having to do everything for the most part, even feeling guilty that she cant do everything she could in the past. I'm very lucky to be strong and healthy. She is the love of my life and I would wait on her hand and foot if it was required. We are preparing for retirement in the first quarter next year and we have a "mini farm" in Tennessee. Our plans are for chickens, goats and bees. We want to produce as much of our own food as we can, but now her concern is that it will be too much work for me. At 59 years young I am very active and work 12 hours a day 6 days a week. So I have tried to convince her that she is not a "burden" on me and when we retire I'll have time to take care of everything we need.


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## In The Woods (Apr 27, 2017)

catsboy said:


> I have similar issues. My wife has had both knees replaced, left shoulder replacement and 4 disc fussed in her lower back. During the recoup from the back surgery she fell and got a deep bruise in her right hip and is undergoing physical therapy to correct the muscles that just locked up around the hip. All in the last 4 years. Prior to that she was my energizer bunny, always on the move always doing something. She wouldn't even sit through commercials on TV, always getting up do something for the two minutes of break. She has been concerned for me having to do everything for the most part, even feeling guilty that she cant do everything she could in the past. I'm very lucky to be strong and healthy. She is the love of my life and I would wait on her hand and foot if it was required. We are preparing for retirement in the first quarter next year and we have a "mini farm" in Tennessee. Our plans are for chickens, goats and bees. We want to produce as much of our own food as we can, but now her concern is that it will be too much work for me. At 59 years young I am very active and work 12 hours a day 6 days a week. So I have tried to convince her that she is not a "burden" on me and when we retire I'll have time to take care of everything we need.


Boy does that sound familiar! My wife was always going 100 mph all day every day. Just like you say would not sit for more than a minute of two.

Now she feels guilty when I am doing stuff. I actually have slowed down myself but get around a bit better than she can. I will be out mowing or something - when I come back inside I can see that she vacuumed or did something while I was mowing. When she vacuums it is the worst thing she can do as far as bringing the pain on.

We had a huge tree fall this spring right in front of the house. I have been slowly hacking away at getting it removed. We used to do this stuff together - I would cut limbs and she would drag them away. Now she said she can't even sit on the porch and watch me as she can't stand not to help.


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

We have always worked together as a team (44 years) and both of us live by the philosophy that each day our duty and pleasure is to make the others life better. We have never even had to discuss the distribution of work load as we both liked to do everything and would share the inside and outside chores. 

Being able to do everything just in case is one reason that every couple (and the kids) should learn to do all that is necessary to run a house and garden and family - take complete charge of and care for themselves and others. 

Also the finances. Very important. I have always done ours as this was also my profession but he has now learned to do it all. Mind you I still have to duct tape him to the office chair once a month to get all his attention focused on our finances. 

When I got ill ten years ago it was very difficult for me to understand and accept that I could not do as much as I had before and never would be able to again. I felt guilt in the beginning but he never blamed or even resented doing more. He is also a great nurse but I am a very non- complaining patient - just leave me alone. I on the other hand can be a cranky nurse since he is a very typical male patient. On his death bed with a cold and requiring constant attention. 

I do all that I can but that changes from year to year. A lot of the chores are done in tandem. He vacuums while I dust. He puts the laundry in the machines but I fold and iron and put away. My husband took over many things but we also gave up things to lessen the load. 

We will soon be at the point when we will have to hire some cleaning help - for the big stuff - since his work is getting busier and I am getting weaker. Well, a job for someone and we know just the right person. 

He has always been able to cook but not as well as I can cook so we made a point of changing this. As I pointed out to him he loves to eat my cooking so he better learn how to do it all. After three years he is really good and has even taken over all the baking of the bread. We really enjoy our time working together. I think that this is the secret. Find a comfortable and fun way to do things,


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## Jolly (Jan 8, 2004)

Punch List.

The wife doesn't get around like she used to, but she can still do most of the cooking and can fold clothes if I wash them and put them up after folding (I've always been lousy at folding clothes). I still work 3-4 days every couple of weeks, so I plan projects around that.

I do admit that I'll bring more firepower to bear on a job, than I did in year's past...bigger tractor and equipment, using the Mantis for cultivation vs. hoeing the garden, four foot deck on lawnmower, etc.

But when I go through my list, I do the things that must be done, then one or more things I'd like to get done. If I catch up (which I never do), I've got some things on the bottom of the list penciled in as _When Hell Freezes Over_.


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## Wolf mom (Mar 8, 2005)

I live alone, and used to work with the elderly in various capacities, so may look at things with a different view point. 
The day I can't take care of myself and live the way I want - read quality of life - to me, there's no reason for living. I don't want to live with my kids, or in any sort of assisted living. That's imposing upon my children or in a situation just waiting to die. So, to me, there's not much choice.


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

We know quite a few people in the age range of 50 to 80 who have had to change their lifestyle due to age or illness. Some have moved into shared accommodation with their children. The most successful and happiest of these were like us when my mom came to live with us - having two complete but separate apartments in one big house. And of course those who remained financially independent were also much happier as were their children.

Nearly everyone we know who has gone into assisted living swore that they never would. Assisted living has several different plans. Some have fully equipped apartments with the availability of other services such as meals and social activities available if you so choose. Others are smaller apartment units or large rooms with full services - meals, laundry, social activities. And then there are others that provide full care including medical supervision. The best places are not cheap of course so this is something that has to be planned.
My friend's Mom just moved into an apartment in an assisted living complex. She was one of those who did not want to leave her house and garden but never realized how lonely and bored she had been. It is like she has gained back a lot of her youth and sparkle and the complex she lives in has a huge area set aside for gardeners.

The one thing that is not so good with assisted living places is that many of them do not allow pets. Personally I think this is terrible as pets mean so much to all of us and especially to the elderly. Right now our oldest friends (known them the longest and they are both in their mid 80s) are having a hard time finding a place to even rent as they will not give up their dog. They are currently sharing a house owned by a friend of theirs who is 95. They are still active enough to take care of the house with some outside help and their friend has never been happier as she was very alone with children living far away and grandkids she never sees. This may become a permanent living arrangement but has problems as well given the age of their friend. and the possibility that our friends may end up having to leave suddenly with no place chosen if she passes away.


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Well this morning was the first time she has made Breakfast for me in years because both Legs are hurting so bad.

Had my MRI hopefully my Doctor will get back with me soon.

big rockpile


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Sooner or later everybody is helpless for a bit. For my husband it was when he had his knee replaced. It is so common they wrote it into the wedding vows: "In sickness and in health".


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

as FB mentioned I am also blessed with excellent health. I've done it 4 times now mostly alone. some things didn't get done but I managed the important stuff. it's time for a rest though I think. I'm downsizing to a smaller place hopefully next spring. ~Georgia


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

know exactly what you mean WM. I've been there. everyone looks at it differently of course. not something I ever want for me though and wont if I have enough warning to do something about it. jmo. ~Georgia


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## reneedarley (Jun 11, 2014)

When does one have to go into a home in the U.S.A? Here in Sweden, especially in the rural districts the councils are pretty impressive at keeping older people in their homes as long as possible. At the moment there in an elderly lady in our village (93) who has care coming up 5 times a day. I believe they are trying to persuade here to go into residential care down in the village but she is a tough old nut.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Well, I knew one woman who was living with her daughter and her family. They told the woman she was going in the nursing home while her room was repainted and remodeled. They brought the woman, her suitcase, and never returned.

That's one way.

Mon


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## reneedarley (Jun 11, 2014)

NOOOOOO


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Well today found I'm to talk over with Surgeon in a week what they are going to do. My wife seems to think I will be able to Deer Hunt this year. We will see.

Right now I can't walk any distance with a Cane and I'm still unable to do anything around the House. I've about given up. We'll see.

big rockpile


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## COSunflower (Dec 4, 2006)

I've been single for the last 12 years and at first it wasn't hard to keep things up inside and out even though I worked. I was that energizer bunny doing stuff in the 2 min. intermissions. LOL!!! Then....5 years ago I started having some falls that affected my knees and also broke bones several times. Didn't know until just this past year that I have a muscle disease that affects my spine and other body muscles - esp. arms and legs - like MS does.  Now I barely get anything done outside and only about half of what I should on the inside. Thank goodness for two of my granddaughters that come over from the coast every couple months or so to help me catch up. My yard men are having health problems themselves so have not been regular or reliable. I really like Shrek's idea of breaking up the yard into 25 by 25 ft plots and working on one of them each day. I can even make them smaller if need be (probably). I just have a deck garden now but like Shrek, I first take care of my dogs, cats, tortoise and one chicken, then my deck garden. Sometimes I am worn out physically just from that!!!  I am thinking about having someone come to clean the bathrooms and floors good every couple of weeks this winter. One of my nieces has just started a cleaning business so I think that I will hire her. I am going to have to start hiring younger yard men too. I noticed recently that some of my past students have been wanting to do yard work for extra money.  Things change faster than we would wish. My older son and I are going to go in together on a place in a year or two. Just waiting for the housing bubble to burst as properties are just too high priced here now.


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## Jolly (Jan 8, 2004)

Never give up!

Just do the best you can with what you have. If you can accomplish even small things, you'll be better off and happier with yourself.


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Ok I didn't realize I have been laid up so long. Still not able to do much. My Son and his Girlfriend said they would help all they did was make a mess out of my Man Cave and the Apartment then they moved out.

Someone stole my New Leafblower so I took care of them best I could.

Had already missed half of Deer Season, thought I could hunt Antlerless Season had everything ready to go, woke up at 4AM found I couldn't move so so much for hunting.

My Doctor increased my Pain Medication couldn't figure what was wrong with me, found I had slept for 3 months so now I'm scared to take my Pain Medication. So now just hurt.

Had a guy tell me just can't do stuff accept it and that is the way it is.

So this is what is going on.

big rockpile


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## In The Woods (Apr 27, 2017)

big rockpile said:


> Ok I didn't realize I have been laid up so long. Still not able to do much. My Son and his Girlfriend said they would help all they did was make a mess out of my Man Cave and the Apartment then they moved out.
> 
> Someone stole my New Leafblower so I took care of them best I could.
> 
> ...


You sure have been on some ups and downs!

So sorry to hear you are missing out on hunting - from what I have read from you that is a huge deal.

I went through a lot of ups and downs the past 5 years - mostly downs. I can’t count how many days that I could barely get out of this chair. Then add to that the feeling of never getting anything accomplished.

I don’t think I will ever get used to this life. But I have learned that I have to just accept it as there is no cure for my ailment. Tyring to get the proper balance of meds is very difficult.


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Cutting back on so much. Hunting, Heating with Firewood and most my Gardening. But still enjoy fishing. Found myself over doing and have to call my wife and come and get me.

My Doctor says swimming is good for me. Went this morning I was winded fast and sore but going again in the morning. My wife says it is good way to keep moving.

Don't know if I mentioned this before but my Good Leg has went numb and skin is drying out. I have no use of my Legs to push up out of a Chair and have lost most used of my Right Arm so I push up with my Left.

Was super depressed but like my wife said I knew I was messed up for years so all was good just have to set back and let it roll.

big rockpile


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

Rock; sorry to hear you are laid up; gotta be tough on a fellow who plays the outdoors they way you have over the years. 

I am not surprised to hear so many of you tell of the problems you face---A friend in OK calls this the Peril of Maturity---short for too damned old to do much anymore.

I always planned to die early and leave my wife with a nice pension and some cash, a bit of property and the time to travel--she always wanted to "go places." Unfortunately we went to the doctor one day and he told her she had a terminal disease and about two years to live. We managed to stretch that to almost five years, but little by little all the work shifted to me. Cooking, cleaning, tending to the wife's problems, all the farm work---Pulmonary fibrosis in not an easy, or pretty, death. 

A couple of years later I met Barb and we started over. It has been close to 8 years now, and at 86 we are both noticing that it takes longer to do our chores and a bit more effort to get out of our chairs. Yard and garden work is done in 15 to 30 minute stretches with rest in between. I am very careful to see that she does not trip in the parking lots, and I've put grab rails everywhere we might need them. 

I seem to have steel bones---I fall regularly out in the yard and garden, but I learned to fall as a kid. LOL, If I have a rake, shovel, anything with a long handle I get up easily. Otherwise I might have to crawl to something I can use to pull up. It is embarrassing to fall again trying to get up. 

We plan to stay right where we are until one of us checks out. Both of us tended our spouses through their last days, and we are willing to do it again if need be,--but I plan to go out like a light bulb---no slow death for me. I'd rather be found dead out in the garden than in some nursing home.
I suspect a good many men feel the same way.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Good many women feel that way too.

Mon


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## hunter63 (Jan 4, 2005)

Get frustrating......Welcome to Geezer-dom.

Used to be....all you needed was knowledge, tools, and time.....
Now you need a "Guy"


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## In The Woods (Apr 27, 2017)

Oxankle said something that hit home for me.

Just yesterday it was time to trim our pup’s nails(1 year old Border Collie). To do this we both get on the floor. My wife will hold him in her lap while I do the trimming. All went well until we were done - now how do we get up? We both had to army crawl over to our chairs and slowly hoist ourselves up by first laying belley down on the seat of the chair and working our way up from there.

Wasn’t easy but we were both laughing....


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## haypoint (Oct 4, 2006)

I've always done a lot of repairs in the driveway, barn yard, wherever. I've noticed that before I drop down and crawl under a piece of machinery, I make sure I have all the parts and tools close. A few years I wouldn't think about it. I'd be up and down a half dozen times getting everything I needed. Now getting down and getting back up is a bigger consideration.

20 years ago, I had a milestone moment. I had jumped up into the bed of my truck, picked up a 70 pound bag of oats, turned around, stepped out onto the tailgate, looked at the ground. Up until that moment, I'd never thought about an injury that I might not recover from. Up until that moment, I would have just jumped off the tailgate with that 70 pounds on my shoulder and taken care of it. But I let that bag slide off my shoulder, onto the tailgate, hopped down and hoisted the bag back onto my shoulder, " Dude, you are getting old" I thought to myself.

Many folks, some that have been married for many decades, don't realize that they may be about three diaper changes from being put in a home.


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## hunter63 (Jan 4, 2005)

Bump....
You know you are getting to Geezer-hood when your flip phone bill shows up all in.

Big Print

Like maybe you can't hear it?


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Ok have to have something to pull me up anymore, with my left arm because of arthritis in my right arm.

Almost died 4 years ago, wasn't bad.

Yes things went by fast. Might as well settle down and just do what we can.

big rockpile


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## hiddensprings (Aug 6, 2009)

My husband travels a ton for work and is often gone for weeks at a time. I've learned to take care of what he normally does to the best of my ability and then if there is something he would do that I can't, I call one of my sons or a friend. I'd say I've learned to do about 99% of what hubby normally handles....even if I do cuss like a sailor when I'm trying to hook up a piece of equipment to the tractor.


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