# My Wife Left Me



## AZHomesteader

After 19 years my wife decided that she wanted to be free of the homestead and me  Now i am doing it alone, I have dairy goats, chickens, turkeys and sheep. We had a huge garden and i find i cant keep up with everything myself, im still feeling lost and seems nothing is getting done, anyone have suggestions?


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## Boo8meR

Seems like some cheap cash help wouldn't be tough to find in a border state...


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## elkhound

hang in there....it gets better as time goes on.


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## FarmboyBill

yep, sure does. Y After 20yrs you wont even remember what she looked like lol.


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## FarmboyBill

Kinda sounds like, IF you don't know what to do now, You wernt doing all that much to learn what to do when she was around. Maybe she got tired of doing it all.


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## doingitmyself

Down size, and take stock of what you have and where you want to be in the future. This is a good forum to meet like minded folks when your ready for that. It's also a good place to get advice and make a few friends. Don't make any major $ decisions for a few months.


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## Shrek

Welcome to the club. 

Easiest way to convert a doubletree operation to a singletree efficiency operation is to finish this season by gleaning the garden of volunteer yield rather than tending it and feed the surplus to the livestock if possible. With the livestock sell off what you need to in order to downsize herds/flocks to manageable size for you.

This Fall and Winter plan out a one man operation from your house outward for next season and bush mow the crop space that used to was.

Once you have the minimal walk distance single hand operation only add small expansion plots of no more than 10 x 10 feet of area at a time if you achieve adequate labor efficiency to allow expansion without drastic manpower hours.

When half of the mouths to feed leave, half or more of the agriculture and livestock can leave also.


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## oneraddad

[YOUTUBE]tq_qL79lejA[/YOUTUBE]


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## Fowler

Throw yourself into your animals, afterall they did not create this. They need you. And you will need them too. The chores will get done, workout your pain by doing what you can. See little accomplishments, let the goats dry up, no more milking.
When you have settled down take stock in what you can handle or cant and sell them off. 
For me, I need my animals to feel wanted. I want to feel wanted.
But that's just me.


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## nehimama

I'm so sorry you have this to deal with! The others gave good advice; You can take what Farm Boy Bill says with a grain of salt, though. Paying for peace and comfort for you.


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## Vickie44

Coast thru the rest of the season. Take great care of the animals and do just your favorite things. You need time to heal and to re ignite the spark that started you homesteading in the first place.


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## Twp.Tom

I don't know all of your circumstances, but I would take care of myself, the animals,and do the best You can to tend to your chores. Do You think she may return? I would hold up the fort, and if You Love her, Hope for her return. After a 19 year marriage, I would be trying to contact her, maybe get some counselling, and try to salvage the relationship? Hang in there Buddy, I hope You find some answers.
.


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## whiterock

When mine left, I sat on the porch for two weeks and thought about things. I let the garden go, mostly. Kept tomatoes and peppers going. Tended the chickens and rested. I was recuperating from a heart attack and early retirement at the same time.

Come the following spring, I started over. With less to worry with.


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## FarmboyBill

Well, gee whillikers whiskers, most women on here said that I treated my Xs like work horses, and that's why they left. Taking hold of that possibility, I just passed it along. NOW, Its me with MY foolish ideas he should take with a grain of salt.


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## Ramblin Wreck

Lots of good advice above and best wishes that you figure out a path forward that gives you hope and a chance for happiness.


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## Rick

FarmboyBill said:


> Kinda sounds like, IF you don't know what to do now, You wernt doing all that much to learn what to do when she was around. Maybe she got tired of doing it all.





nehimama said:


> I'm so sorry you have this to deal with! The others gave good advice; You can take what Farm Boy Bill says with a grain of salt, though. Paying for peace and comfort for you.





FarmboyBill said:


> Well, gee whillikers whiskers, most women on here said that I treated my Xs like work horses, and that's why they left. Taking hold of that possibility, I just passed it along. NOW, Its me with MY foolish ideas he should take with a grain of salt.


Bill, he asked how to move on, not what did I do wrong.


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## FarmChix

one day at a time...one project at a time. Find yourself again and be content in who you are.  She wasn't your identity. Only you can define your identity.


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## summerdaze

FarmboyBill said:


> Kinda sounds like, IF you don't know what to do now, You wernt doing all that much to learn what to do when she was around. Maybe she got tired of doing it all.


Ive read what he said a few times now, and I don't see where he said that he didn't KNOW what to do. Half the work force just left. If he's got a huge garden, AND animals to take care of, everything probably seems overwhelming right now. 

My friends Jim and Rita have often had huge gardens. He does MOST of the outside stuff, (although she does too) but she and the kids have always done all the canning and preserving, etc. If she took off, Jim would first of all be devastated, and then overwhelmed with all the work he was facing on his own. After all, he didn't put in a garden just for himself.

Bill, how 'bout some words of encouragement every once in a while?


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## bigjon

go to church and pray. real hard........that she don't come back


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## littlejoe

Let them go. She made her decision with little regard for you. Learn to live life well, cuz that's your responsibility. It might take a while, but it will come... the decision is yours. You can choose to be overwhelmed if you want to be in that situation...or not?


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## mzgarden

I have no suggestions but I am praying for you.


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## Raeven

When my husband died, it was much the same. Probably the only difference was that I wasn't left to wonder what I did wrong, because the answer was... nothing! It didn't change the circumstances, though. Oh, how I missed him.

You've been given some good advice in this thread. Take care of the priorities and leave the rest. It will all be waiting for you when you're ready. No one will judge you, and if they do, they weren't a true friend anyway. Your true friends will step up to help.

It takes a special sort of person to live the homesteading lifestyle, and it sounds like your wife was not one of them. On the bright side (although it probably doesn't feel this way as yet), you now have the chance to find happiness with one who is.

Best to you. It does get better, as others have said.


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## Jim-mi

Immerse your self in tending for your valuable critters.....

Idle time playing woe-is-me is Not good.......

Least of your worries is a few weeds popping up.......

I love goat milk . . . .That is a valuable resource to have . . . . Iffin you were anywhere "close by" I would be by to help you on that......

One other thing. . .don't get caught up in the bottle . . . . . Nasty drink will not solve your issues.


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## FarmboyBill

Rick, im saying, he needs to ask what he did do wrong

SD, as to this topic, im better off being like the ghost in A Christmas Carol, when Scrooge asked Marley to speak some good of him to him. Marley said he had none to give. That's about the way I am.


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## Terri

AZHomesteader, I am sorry!

You have gotten good advice here: if you neglect the garden then there will be no harm done, and you will need fewer vegetables anyways. Let some things go. 

Pick the volenteer garden *IF* you feel like it, dry up some or all of the dairy animals if you do not want so much milk, and decrease what you do until you have something that is reasonable for you to do.


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## whiterock

When I said i sat on the porch and thought about things for two weeks, that was decompressing. I retired from 31 years of teaching, the last year with 6th graders. I thought about what I had been doing, what I had been through and what I needed and wanted for the future. No brooding or pouting. I was actually so relieved. I went to doc for a checkup and he asked if I needed antidepressants, I laughed and asked what for, I was happier and less stressed than I had been in years. 32 years we were married, and another 6 months would have killed or bankrupeted me.
Ed


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## Laura Zone 5

AZHomesteader said:


> After 19 years my wife decided that she wanted to be free of the homestead and me  Now i am doing it alone, I have dairy goats, chickens, turkeys and sheep. We had a huge garden and i find i cant keep up with everything myself, im still feeling lost and seems nothing is getting done, anyone have suggestions?


1. Take care of your health. Your physical health and your mental health.
I have been 'told' that it takes about 1 year of grieving for every 5 years you are married....that there is no linear process. Ups, downs, highs, lows....just when you think you 'got it' another low punches you in the face.

Do not let ANYTHING come before your health.
If that means letting the garden go, selling or giving away all of your animals...heck, even selling your homestead.....ALL of those things are replaceable, but your health (physical AND mental) neglected enough, may never return.
Please, if you do nothing else, take care of your body, soul and mind.

2. Do not wear yourself bone tired trying to do it all. If you cannot afford to hire someone for help, eliminate until things are manageable.

3. Protect yourself, your children, and your assets.
If that means lawyer up, then do it, now.

4. Surround yourself with supportive folks. If you don't have a strong support network, find one; be that a church group, a divorce care group, friends, family......surround yourself with folks that will help prop you up when you feel like you can't stand on your own two feet. This is invaluable. 

I just can't emphasize enough how important it is to take care of your mental, physical, and spiritual health. Neglecting those things will come at a very high cost....one you may not be able to pay your way out of.
Ask me how I know....

I am so sorry this is happening.


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## AZHomesteader

The homestead is 36 acres, I'm milking 4 goats and have 11 sheep, i have a bunch of chickens and turkeys and the incubator is full of eggs. The garden is over an acre. My wife did all the canning of our food, guess i am going to have to learn how to can now. Three weeks ago we was talking about expanding the garden more so we would have more to sell at the farmers market. The homestead is paid for. Sure being off grid and homesteading is a hard scrabble life, we worked long hours and was pretty self sufficient, didn't buy much at the store. We joked around by saying we had our own dairy, meat and produce departments.
It just feels like the rug was jerked out from under my feet, we didn't fight or argue, so this totally hit me out of the blue. Thank you all for your words of encouragement, what makes it bad is the homestead is remote and we had always kept to ourself's so i really don't have friends close by. I have learned how lonely it is here alone, I know one day it will be better, i guess i am still in shock. It is nice to hear from folks that has been down this road and that they are doing fine.


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## AZHomesteader

FarmboyBill said:


> Rick, im saying, he needs to ask what he did do wrong
> 
> SD, as to this topic, im better off being like the ghost in A Christmas Carol, when Scrooge asked Marley to speak some good of him to him. Marley said he had none to give. That's about the way I am.


Your opinions are fine Farmboy Bill, Im not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, i happen to love my wife very much and to me this is a sucker punch to the heart, It helps to hear what others have done to get going with life again, Our homestead is a working homestead that supported our money needs and food needs. I'm not blaming her or myself, i'm sure we did take each other for grant, she feels the need to be free from this lifestyle which is not for everyone.

Freedom of speech is one of our rights and feel free to say what you please, It is good to hear what everyone has to say


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## Shrek

If the outcome is a blanket split be sure to have your attorney get you a quit claim on your property deed to ensure you keep a roof overhead and ground under foot.


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## Oxankle

Homesteader: Did your wife never discuss the possibility of leaving the homestead and taking up another kind of life? Was her dislike of the isolated, hardscrabble life you describe never mentioned?

Sometimes a man has to change his ways to keep the woman he loves--It is worth it if the woman returns that love. If all the love was one-sided you are well off. It it was returned you've made a mistake. 

Look way down the road---What would be in store for you and a woman on your 35 acres when you are 80 years old? 

How far to church? How far to shopping? How often do you get to visit friends and kin? Some women just cannot stand isolation. For them it is like solitary confinement.

If you don't want the woman you've gotten some excellent advice. If you want her back you had better consider a different kind of life and go get her before she forgets who you are. 

Just for the record, it sounds to me as if you've made your choice. Think about it and let us all know.
Ox


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## sidepasser

Sounds like you had no idea your wife was unhappy. I hope things work out for you and you let some things go.

BTW - canning is not that hard, just time consuming. Lots of people here can help you, and get a copy of the Ball Canning Book, that is really helpful. I've done some of my best thinking while canning tomatoes at midnight (when the heat was less in the kitchen). It is sort of a mindless activity that allows one to think while dipping tomatoes into the boiling water to scald and removing to get the skin off.

Hugs to you and to your wife, I am sure she must be at a loss as well. 19 years is a long time for both of you.


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## oneraddad

Maybe it's not the life style, maybe it's just you ? I don't know, only she does.

But, if it is you and you want her back, I got advice.


Don't appear weak and needy, it's unattractive. Instead of doing everything mediocre, do a couple things to the best of your abilities. Success will make you feel good about yourself and it's attractive.


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## FarmboyBill

Jim, U got good advice about the bottle. I tried that on the 2nd, and it wasn't because of her as much as of losing my DD. Took me 2 yrs to get rid of it. Havnt touched a drop since. Know I never can. Or don't want to try and find out.

AZ I been married 3 times. Been Divorced just as many. Each time I think I tried to find out what I was doing wrong. BUT I did that changing of myself while still trying to be a farmer. I used to be a workaholic, but im not anymore. I used to want to farm big, but don't anymore.
IF I had to farm 500 acres when I was young, I would have quit and moved to town, OR turned 400 of it into pasture. I love farming as a pastime, or hobby, and go at it vigeriously, but the moment it becomes a job, I don't like it. Dad worked off the farm from when he was young till he was 65 and still farmed 120. He rented a 80 more when I was in GS, but a year of that was enough and he never did that again. I worked near 50yrs this fall. I got used to that, and farming was just a release valve to keep me from wanting to go to work and punching out some of the people and bosses I didn't like.
WHAT IM GETTING AT< IS
Perhaps, your wife had an idea of homestead life, but you tried to make it self sufficient, and she tried to go along. Perhaps, as Chuck says, she could see down the road at 80, and decided that she better chuck it now while she was still able. Good luck.
My advice, is bury yourself in your farm. Kill yourself trying to keep it going. Learn all that she did, then do it. Chaseing the farms tail is better than chasing your own, and youll get more done, and more accomplished. Figure out more mechanical and faster ways of getting the garden kept clean. think on short cuts that will still get the job done. IF you continue to think on the farms needs, and try to accomplish all that the 2 of you had been doing, youll be supprised on what you can get done, and the accomplishments you have made on your own will steel you for the next year.


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## FarmboyBill

Dads right AZ. ALSO, check U Tubes on canning. Therel be 2 doz vids on how to do it. AND they have vids on every aspect of farming/gardening/homesteading. Take a break at night, and check out how others are doing the things you want to do tomorrow. Then Sleep on it, and let there ways of doing something meld into your reality, and youll be ready to hit the deck running when you wake up in the morn. Good luck.


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## Oxankle

Once about 35 years ago I was posted out to Deming, N. M. to interview some suspected workman's comp fraud cases.

One of my stops was at a development out on the high desert; some outfit had sold 5 acre "ranchettes" up N. and my man was from Chicago. He'd bought the place unseen and built a home there. His house was the only one in sight---the development was simply a series of asphalt roads in the desert with a house here and there. Nothing but desert bush, jack rabbits, blue quail, snakes and the unending wind.

I'd talked to this fellow for perhaps fifteen minutes when his wife burst out of the house and into the conversation. She was frantic, relating the whole story of their move away from family, friends, church, all the things they knew. She was simply desperate for conversation. AZ's story reminded me of that poor woman.


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## AZHomesteader

Talked with my wife today, she doesn't want a divorce at the moment, said she loves me but not in love, said she needs some space and time alone. Atleast she didnt move to far away, about 13 miles, she is working as a caretaker for a horse ranch.

I know now i didnt pay enough attention to her as i should have, its so easy to get caught up in the work load that little things slip by, shame on me for that, god i wish i had a redo.


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## FarmboyBill

I thought that a little introinspection might reveal some flaws that you wouldn't realize until you had the time and space to review them. Take it easy, do what you can do. Luckly, it sounds like you wont be able to manage 1/2 as good with out her, so that she wont feel like you never needed her. Work your butt off. IF she sees that yo are killing yourself, she may come to realize that you 2 are a team, and that your killing yourself in trying to pull the load alone. Think about what you have to do on the farm. Think about ways of making the work load lighter and easier, but don't throw things to the wind if theres anyway you can hold onto them. In the process of all that, I wager there will come times that there were things you did together, that will make you think inwardly, as to how you could have done things differently. Hang in there, win or lose, you've built something that VERY few of us have, and im sure MOST of us commend you for it. Don't throw away the dream if the pir of you are not to be.


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## deberosa

Hi there, just stopped in, been in and out of here over the years. Just recently singled again with a gourd farm operation and a full time job. Not getting any younger either. I've been thinking the same things you are working through.

My plan after quite a bit of thought is to narrow down the projects to what is important. As for the garden and canning - neither needs to be the scale I've been doing and I plan on freezing tomatoes to can in the winter when things are slower. I don't have that many animals, just chickens dogs and cats. 

My partner spent the whole day here keeping things up so it was a slight panic when he left. At least it's near the end of the season so coasting it out now and planning more for how to handle next year. 

What calmed my nerves was looking at the worst case scenario. Worst case I hire someone to bush hog one or maybe two times a year. I was totally supporting another person so I can afford to have that done. THen as was mentioned, scale back the gardens and canning and projects, adding back what is manageable. Getting older is scary to me handling this all on my own, but pretty much decided I'll think about that tomorrow! 

Good luck, I know I found the encouragement to start homesteading on my own in the first place from this site and while I'm getting older, every time I think of throwing in the towel I get more determined!

PS Get a Ball Blue Book and you can be canning like a pro in no time!


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## littlejoe

AZHomesteader said:


> Talked with my wife today, she doesn't want a divorce at the moment, said she loves me but not in love, said she needs some space and time alone. Atleast she didnt move to far away, about 13 miles, she is working as a caretaker for a horse ranch.
> 
> I know now i didnt pay enough attention to her as i should have, its so easy to get caught up in the work load that little things slip by, shame on me for that, god i wish i had a redo.


I always wonder what the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you means"? My X used the same words.

Thru the years she wanted to leave several times, and I always talked her out of it. At one point she was in a New Life Clinic for a couple of weeks. I attended several counseling sessions as well )some one on one as well as a couple). They made an effect on me that I still realize to this day. And we had a couple of great years after that! But they faded.

The last time she wanted to leave, I told her never again would I try to talk her into staying. She soon filed for legal separation, and I told her no. If we were done, I wanted it to be a divorce, which she then filed for. Then she lawyered up and went for blood, and told me she wanted to see me pennyless and living in the street. I never did take her to court, but did make three different offers that she said was ok, only to be denied when it came time to sign papers.

She finally made a very high offer for a cash settlement. After talking to my banker and mortgaging everything I owned, it was finalized. It [ expletive deleted ] near wrecked me emotionally as well as financially. Work is one thing I have to do, as a responsibility to my kids, myself, and others. And I worked thru it. She spent all of it, and now has a dog and a car on payments.

I worry about her...I know her mental state isn't healthy, but her choices were hers and only hers! I've tried to offer emotional support the last few years, but that's a hard line to draw. It's been 11 years now since she left...

It took a while, but I learned to love myself and living. I sought answers in prayer, in books, and did some drinking, but never talked to anyone about it. Wished I had sought more good counseling.

Wisdom in all things is a good thing to seek AZ. Kinda helps you discern the good from the bad. 

Guard yourself and be fair!


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## Laura Zone 5

I love you, but I am not in love with you meant to me: I am having an affair, and I found someone who gives me the wiggleys like when I was 16, so I am throwing away real love for squirmy feelings.

I love you, but I am not in love with you meant to me: I'm leaving a crack in the door by saying I love you, just in case this new thing doesn't work out.

"Love". 
For real, "Love" would have spoken up a LONG time ago and said "hey, things need to change around here, and we are going to talk about it, because our marriage is more important than goats and sheep poop".

Walking away the first time.......man that was hard.
But trust me when I say, it's 100 times easier the next time they do it (and they will) and every time after that.....

Protect yourself.


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## Buffy in Dallas

My hubby ran off with his tennis coach last summer and left me and the kids penniless. After trying to make ends meet with the kids working and my parents help I decided it wasn't gonna work. Two of the kids moved out on their own and one moved in to my parents house with me. 

The hard part was giving away my chickens, ducks and letting the hubby have my beloved chocolate labs. (which he promptly gave away:grumble

Downsizing hurts but sometimes its necessary. 

I hope everything works out for you and you don't have to give up too much.


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## sidepasser

AZHomesteader said:


> Talked with my wife today, she doesn't want a divorce at the moment, said she loves me but not in love, said she needs some space and time alone. Atleast she didnt move to far away, about 13 miles, she is working as a caretaker for a horse ranch.
> 
> I know now i didnt pay enough attention to her as i should have, its so easy to get caught up in the work load that little things slip by, shame on me for that, god i wish i had a redo.


Well not wanting a divorce at the moment can be looked at as a positive thing. Also recognizing that you didn't pay enough attention to her is also a good thing.

I would say that if one wants to keep a woman (or man) you need to do what you did to catch them in the first place. Just something to think on. 

Neglect in a marriage can be a cancer, it's not out there on the surface like an affair, drinking too much, doping, etc. It's hidden beneath the surface, slowly growing into a cancer, eating into the soul of a healthy marriage. Not saying that her leaving is your fault as it takes two to make a marriage and also takes two to keep one going. 

I reckon if I was bent on keeping the woman/man, I'd be prepared to do a little courting, low key and so forth. Do a little talking and a whole lot of listening and get to the bottom of the issue.

Might help and probably wouldn't hurt. At the very least, it would settle your mind somewhat on the issue so you don't feel like it was your fault she left. Never know, she might just tell you what is really bothering her and it might not have much to do with you at all.

Case in point: a friend of mine's wife left him..because she found out she was gay after two kids and 20 years of marriage..go figure. She moved in with a lesbian lady and they were together for years, then she decided she wasn't really, totally gay..and moved in with a bi-sexual man..

not all problems are YOUR problems.


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## AZHomesteader

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I love you, but I am not in love with you meant to me: I am having an affair, and I found someone who gives me the wiggleys like when I was 16, so I am throwing away real love for squirmy feelings.
> 
> I love you, but I am not in love with you meant to me: I'm leaving a crack in the door by saying I love you, just in case this new thing doesn't work out.
> 
> "Love".
> For real, "Love" would have spoken up a LONG time ago and said "hey, things need to change around here, and we are going to talk about it, because our marriage is more important than goats and sheep poop".
> 
> Walking away the first time.......man that was hard.
> But trust me when I say, it's 100 times easier the next time they do it (and they will) and every time after that.....
> 
> Protect yourself.


I wondered about that also, I have never desired another woman during our life together, I was raised on a dairy farm in Indiana, ended up in the army in the 70's as a sniper and spent 10 years there till i decided there was no future in that, returned back to farm life being that is all i really know, i guess i can tolerate adverse conditions better then most folks, I find that the older i get i get so use to things and don't like changes. As i was working in the garden yesterday evening, like i said the weeds are really out of control and things are hiding in them ie.. a large diamond back rattler, which is my dinner tonight, i am really considering just taking the tractor at this point and plowing it in and starting over with a winter garden, that ---- snake didn't rattle till i was in striking range, I'm glad i was wearing my gun. Being remote like this does have me a bit concerned if something was to happen to me, i could be here for days before anyone noticed. Need to figure out better safety factors i guess.


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## copperkid3

littlejoe said:


> I always wonder what the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you means"? My X used the same words.
> 
> Thru the years she wanted to leave several times, and I always talked her out of it. At one point she was in a New Life Clinic for a couple of weeks.
> I attended several counseling sessions as well )some one on one as well as a couple). They made an effect on me that I still realize to this day.
> And we had a couple of great years after that! But they faded.
> 
> The last time she wanted to leave, I told her never again would I try to talk her into staying. She soon filed for legal separation, and I told her no.
> If we were done, I wanted it to be a divorce, which she then filed for. Then she lawyered up and went for blood, and told me she wanted to see me
> pennyless and living in the street. I never did take her to court, but did make three different offers that she said was ok, only to be denied when it came time to sign papers.
> 
> She finally made a very high offer for a cash settlement. After talking to my banker and mortgaging everything I owned, it was finalized.
> It [ expletive deleted ] near wrecked me emotionally as well as financially. Work is one thing I have to do, as a responsibility to my kids,
> myself, and others. And I worked thru it. She spent all of it, and now has a dog and a car on payments.
> 
> I worry about her...I know her mental state isn't healthy, but her choices were hers and only hers! I've tried to offer emotional support the last few years,
> but that's a hard line to draw. It's been 11 years now since she left...
> 
> It took a while, but I learned to love myself and living.
> I sought answers in prayer, in books, and did some drinking, but never talked to anyone about it.
> Wished I had sought more good counseling.
> 
> Wisdom in all things is a good thing to seek AZ. Kinda helps you discern the good from the bad.
> 
> Guard yourself and be fair!


+++++++++++++++++++++++
My X used the phrase:

"I want a divorce."
"I still like you, but don't love you anymore, 
and I would like to remain friends.":icecream::umno: 

Told her that I'd heard tell of such things happening, but that I'd never seen it actually take place, but was willing to try and make it happen
(as I hoped for the possibility of reconciliation). However her statement alluding to what she wanted and the actual trying to put it into action, 
were worlds apart and she literally did EVERYTHING possible to ensure that the divorce would take place and that we would never speak to one another again.
I attempted to get us both to go to joint counseling....she refused claiming that we didn't have the money and/or that it was a waste of time and money. 
'This' from a woman who had TWICE threatened to kill herself with one of my pistols in the previous 8 years and had requested that I transport her to the 
local psych ward to be self-committed for a week of treatment, followed up by months of out-patient therapy. When I asked when her therapist would be 
having me in for couples therapy, she told me that the doc didn't want to see or hear from me, which in retrospect, was probably a lie. She likely told the 
therapist that I wouldn't come in. A few months later, she took off for a couple of weeks to Houston, to see her sister and then marry off her only daughter, 
who I'd helped raise since she was 8 years old and who called me 'dad' on the phone. Even though I'd originally been "invited" to the wedding, the closer 
we got to the date, the more apparent it became, that I was really not going to be going along, as she'd made no effort to see about having someone else 
to come out and look after the animals which I was taking 100% care of at the time. I might add, that she was the one who wanted the all the animals and 
the homesteading lifestyle, being that she was from the city and we started keeping them BEFORE we had even started our 'dream home.' In fact, it was she 
who found the HT forum and we both became members. However, due to complications from her diabetes, she was having constant foot surgery due to infections 
usually found in barnyard manure and I had taken over the care of the farm which I was happy to do. However that guilt of my doing what she normally did, 
consumed her and she berated herself constantly because of it. She did finally ask that I drive her to the shuttle bus that would take her to the airport and when we arrived, 
I happened to mention that it would have been nice if we could have talked about why she didn't seem to want me to go along......
Her only retort was: "Thanks a lot for spoiling the trip to see my only daughter get married!!! We'll talk about this when I get back home!" 

The only 'talking' was what she said at the beginning of this piece.

Any nice act or kindness that I did or attempted to do, was met with threats from her lawyer or public screaming episodes.....
although she eventually did get what she wanted - over half of everything that I'd earned, saved, etc. BEFORE we'd gotten married. 
(Yeah, I'll admit that I had a crummy lawyer.)

Shared portions of this story previously on HT several years ago and another former member who has since been banned, 
commented that from some of my descriptions of her actions, ect., that it was likely that she was a closet lesbian. 
(How she was able to make this clinical diagnosis long distance, being that she wasn't a psych doctor still escapes me, but I certainly haven't discounted the possibility.)
Others have suggested that she might be bi-polar. 
She did admit to be depressed a lot and was taking 
medication for it, but it never seemed to help.

Prior to the divorce being finalized and in violation of the court order that she & her attorney had previously set up, 
that neither party was to go to the others domicile without requesting to do so and by being granted permission by 
the other party by either phone, mail, email or prior written notice, she came into my home and stole that earlier mentioned pistol. 
This too was purchased many years before I even knew her, but neither of our attorneys wanted to get involved in the matter and so the matter lies waiting in limbo..... 
either to news of her demons taking over and ending it all or
of my early demise by person or persons unknown. :trollface 

Not bad for 17.5 years of marriage to my former best friend.


Hang in there AZhomesteader.....at least yours still has hope.
You seem to have a better handle on the situation than I ever did on mine.


----------



## CountryWannabe

AZHomesteader said:


> Talked with my wife today, she doesn't want a divorce at the moment, said she loves me but not in love, said she needs some space and time alone. Atleast she didnt move to far away, about 13 miles, she is working as a caretaker for a horse ranch.
> 
> I know now i didnt pay enough attention to her as i should have, its so easy to get caught up in the work load that little things slip by, shame on me for that, god i wish i had a redo.



You may get that redo if you want it. If she needs time, then give it but keep in touch. Don't just drop her like a hot potato. Call her now and then. Ask if you can visit her and take her something that is particularly nice from the garden just because. Pick her some flowers. Sounds like you might have forgotten that a lady likes to be wooed now and then. Take it slow, keep it light, keep it nice. Praying for you

Mary


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## RubyRed

Here's your chance to date your Lady again. Wishing you both the best!!


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## dizzy

AZH, this is not 100% your fault. She may have felt that you were ignoring her, and rather than saying anything, she remained silent. Since I'm assuming you are not a mind reader, you wouldn't know how she felt. 

She may have even given you some clues that you missed and she may have felt that this was the only way to get thru to you.

I can relate to what she told you. I honestly do not know how I feel about my husband any more and we've been married for 31 years. I've tried to talk to him about a few different things that he refuses to discuss. I've tried to tell him how it makes me feel, but it falls on deaf ears. I am thinking more and more that the only way I'm going to be able to get thru to him is to leave. It just might be the wake up call that he needs.


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## Guest

Just my two cents...if you love her and she says she doesn't want a divorce, then if it were me, I'd be driving that 13 miles and try to negotiate a dating scenario with her...go after her as if she was the most important person in the world to you...because she is...

Date nights..good conversation...respecting each others "I'm not sures"..love is work..and worth every effort...just sayin'..


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## willow_girl

You know, if you were to meet her for coffee or something, and lead with, "I'd like to hear about the ways in which I let you down," you'd probably have a much better idea as to why she left. (Especially if you keep your lips zipped, and just listen.)

You'd also be in a better position to judge whether it's worth it to you to do what it would take to repair the relationship.

In any case, good luck to you.


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## Laura Zone 5

dizzy said:


> I am thinking more and more that the only way I'm going to be able to get thru to him is to leave. It just might be the wake up call that he needs.


OR you leaving could be what he has wanted all along, but would not do it because it would make HIM look bad.....

If you walk, be prepared to keep walking and never look back.....


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## arcticow

BTDT, several years' counseling... 2 marriage encounter weekends... After someone leaves a couple times, and frequently tells you everything you did wrong or aren't doing.... Then when asked what she needs/wants most from you, says "I'm sure you'll figure it out"... Comes a time when the whole "Do what won her the 1st time" and "Work hard on regular date nights and talks" looks more like another setup for failure... To be blamed on you... Not much incentive left, just exhaustion... MHO. I hope your case is different. Sometimes, though, the only satisfaction you get is knowing you did all you could with what you knew at the time...


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## itsb

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I love you, but I am not in love with you meant to me: I am having an affair, and I found someone who gives me the wiggleys like when I was 16, so I am throwing away real love for squirmy feelings.
> 
> I love you, but I am not in love with you meant to me: I'm leaving a crack in the door by saying I love you, just in case this new thing doesn't work out.
> 
> "Love".
> For real, "Love" would have spoken up a LONG time ago and said "hey, things need to change around here, and we are going to talk about it, because our marriage is more important than goats and sheep poop".
> 
> Walking away the first time.......man that was hard.
> But trust me when I say, it's 100 times easier the next time they do it (and they will) and every time after that.....
> 
> Protect yourself.


^^^^^^laura is correct!!!! I think that you know,trust your gut,I do feel sorrie for you and your situation, good luck


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## dizzy

Laura, I left once years ago for just overnight. To this day, he doesn't know where I went. He was drunk at the time and yelling and screaming at me. I wasn't going to go back. He called me up the next day wanting me to come home and it's never been as bad, but we still have problems that he won't talk about. I'm feeling more and more that the only way things are going to get better is for him to realize that I'm serious. He does not want me to leave. I know that for a fact.


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## AZHomesteader

Wife and i had a long heart to heart talk yesterday, i am now really confused, here is what she told me, We still have our family game night, and movie night, we go places together as a family she wants to help with the farm, we have some dinners together and she still wants us to be intimate together, she told me not to read anything in to it she said she isn't wanting to throw away all our years together, she still isnt moving back home. she said she dont know what the future holds. I told her i respect her wishes and giving her space, i did tell her she can come home when she is ready, but have not been hounding her about it, i want my wife back so bad and i have told her how much i love her, she really is my world. Do you think she is doing this as a wake up call or what, yesterday totally threw me for a loop. Is she wanting me to chase after her im not sure. Last thing i want to do is make her feel pressured.


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## whiterock

Man, I sure wish I could tell you what she wants, but I think only she knows. And, I don't know if she really does.
Ed


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## oneraddad

You get all the benefits and don't have to live with her, whats the problem ?


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## RubyRed

AZHomesteader said:


> Wife and i had a long heart to heart talk yesterday, i am now really confused, here is what she told me, We still have our family game night, and movie night, we go places together as a family she wants to help with the farm, we have some dinners together and she still wants us to be intimate together, she told me not to read anything in to it she said she isn't wanting to throw away all our years together, she still isnt moving back home. she said she dont know what the future holds. I told her i respect her wishes and giving her space, i did tell her she can come home when she is ready, but have not been hounding her about it, i want my wife back so bad and i have told her how much i love her, she really is my world. Do you think she is doing this as a wake up call or what, yesterday totally threw me for a loop. Is she wanting me to chase after her im not sure. Last thing i want to do is make her feel pressured.


My guess is that she feels that she has lost herself over the years. She is trying to regain the woman that she once knew and still wants to keep her family, including you and herself. I'd say it's a good sign, just a tricky situation for you. I can certainly understand your confusion. She is a very lucky woman to have a man that want's to do right by her...


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## dizzy

They talk about midlife crisis for men, but few people fail to realize that women also go thru this. We are no longer Jane, but Susie's mom. We lose our identity. Then we wake up one day and aren't really sure any longer who we are, or what we're suppose to be doing. And, if a woman has been totally wrapped up in her family, or career, it can be even worse.


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## Laura Zone 5

AZHomesteader said:


> Wife and i had a long heart to heart talk yesterday, i am now really confused, here is what she told me, We still have our family game night, and movie night, we go places together as a family she wants to help with the farm, we have some dinners together and she still wants us to be intimate together, she told me not to read anything in to it she said she isn't wanting to throw away all our years together, she still isnt moving back home. she said she dont know what the future holds. I told her i respect her wishes and giving her space, i did tell her she can come home when she is ready, but have not been hounding her about it, i want my wife back so bad and i have told her how much i love her, she really is my world. Do you think she is doing this as a wake up call or what, yesterday totally threw me for a loop. Is she wanting me to chase after her im not sure. Last thing i want to do is make her feel pressured.


I do not know her, so I cannot read her mind.
I could be dead wrong, and you will never know until you have a long face to face talk with her....maybe even with a counselor.

What I read is this:

1. Female wants to do everything "family" (habit/routine that she is used too) because there is 'security' (maintaining intimacy provides insentive to keep you strung along) in that BUT she is also living a secret wild life (either in another town or on line) that gives her a rush. She's not sure if that 'rush' is worth tossing the security yet, so she now has 'her cake and is eating it too'.

2. She WANTS you to beg, and cry and shower her with flowers and cards and attention. She wants you to pour it on thick, she wants to feel wanted, loved, needed, desired, important, signifigant.

3. She is in the process of having an attorney draw up the papers to take you to the cleaners, and that takes time to get that done...so she's buying time.

4. She feels neglected, invisible, unheard, unloved and under appreciated at home, and where ever she is........whoever she is around.......does not make her feel that way, so she is where she is because it makes her feel alive.


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## willow_girl

AZHomesteader said:


> Wife and i had a long heart to heart talk yesterday, i am now really confused, here is what she told me, We still have our family game night, and movie night, we go places together as a family she wants to help with the farm, we have some dinners together and she still wants us to be intimate together, she told me not to read anything in to it she said she isn't wanting to throw away all our years together, she still isnt moving back home. she said she dont know what the future holds. I told her i respect her wishes and giving her space, i did tell her she can come home when she is ready, but have not been hounding her about it, i want my wife back so bad and i have told her how much i love her, she really is my world. Do you think she is doing this as a wake up call or what, yesterday totally threw me for a loop. Is she wanting me to chase after her im not sure. Last thing i want to do is make her feel pressured.


I can understand why you're walking on eggshells, but keep in mind that most women don't respect weak men. 

Sometimes you gotta draw a hard line ... especially if kids, and their feelings, are involved. (It's unclear, but when you say "family night," I assume there are some little ones in the picture.)

So I say don't let her drag your heart around for TOO long ... Will she go to marriage counseling with you? Either she is willing to engage and work on the relationship, or IMO, or you have a right to demand an actual separation, one in which she doesn't get all the nice benefits of being in a relationship without any responsibilities or commitment. 

She may not like that, but she will respect you for it, and it may help to shove her off the fence she's sitting on.


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## Bellyman

I have also been in a similar situation. Wife #1 left after 13 years. Well, honestly, she left a long time before that, it was just that at about 13 years, it was final. We didn't "fight" either. We had disagreements. She found someone who made her heart to "pitter patter". Interestingly, that guy turned out to be gay and wanted nothing to do with her "that way". 

Long story, but as it turns out, she's now happily married to someone else. I remarried shortly after the divorce was final and am now on year 14 with my wife and still enjoying what I never would have known if #1 hadn't left. (Yes, it's that good.) 

If there's hope that you can work things out, I hope that you can come back together and be stronger and better than ever. If that hope fades and it's not gonna happen, bear in mind that though it hurts like hell for a time, the future can hold things, really good things, you haven't even imagined. 

FWIW, I met my current wife online. It started out with an online website followed by some emails and then phone calls. After about 3 months, there was a visit to see her. In another 3 months we were married! 

In my case, after the divorce, I left my little homestead behind, loaded up a Penske truck with a trailer behind and moved 1,200 miles away to start a new life. Yes, I still do miss that little homestead, it's no longer even in existence. But I don't miss #1. And I'm not sorry I moved away. It was a new beginning and a life I couldn't have imagined before. It wasn't exactly a "redo" button but I started over. 

See what happens over the next few weeks. It will probably become apparent whether your wife is wanting to move towards you or away from you. 

Wishing you only the best.


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## Guest

AZHomesteader said:


> Wife and i had a long heart to heart talk yesterday, i am now really confused, here is what she told me, We still have our family game night, and movie night, we go places together as a family she wants to help with the farm, we have some dinners together and she still wants us to be intimate together, she told me not to read anything in to it she said she isn't wanting to throw away all our years together, she still isnt moving back home. she said she dont know what the future holds. I told her i respect her wishes and giving her space, i did tell her she can come home when she is ready, but have not been hounding her about it, i want my wife back so bad and i have told her how much i love her, she really is my world. Do you think she is doing this as a wake up call or what, yesterday totally threw me for a loop. Is she wanting me to chase after her im not sure. Last thing i want to do is make her feel pressured.


Ask her...she's the only one who knows...BTW, allowing someone to have their cake and eat it too while you starve isn't a great idea...


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## Terri in WV

AZHomesteader said:


> Wife and i had a long heart to heart talk yesterday, i am now really confused, here is what she told me, We still have our family game night, and movie night, we go places together as a family she wants to help with the farm, we have some dinners together and she still wants us to be intimate together, she told me not to read anything in to it she said she isn't wanting to throw away all our years together, she still isnt moving back home. she said she dont know what the future holds. I told her i respect her wishes and giving her space, i did tell her she can come home when she is ready, but have not been hounding her about it, i want my wife back so bad and i have told her how much i love her, she really is my world. Do you think she is doing this as a wake up call or what, yesterday totally threw me for a loop. Is she wanting me to chase after her im not sure. Last thing i want to do is make her feel pressured.


Here's one more take on it. Doing some rough math, it sounds as if you two may have gotten married a bit later in life.

I was independent before I got married(at 33+). I was used to doing things when, where, and how I wanted. It was a hard adjustment to make. And I discovered that while I liked the commitment, being under roof, with someone else, day in and day out was a struggle. After he decided to start driving OTR it became much easier. I even joked with him that when he retired, we'd have to get his and her houses. 

So, it may be that she wants the commitment, but she needs to be separate to be together, if that makes sense.


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## dizzy

Terri, actually for many people, I think separate houses makes a lot of sense. I have often told hubby that we need a duplex. He thinks I'm joking, I'm not. I'm sitting here w/long pants on and a sweatshirt, but he's comfortable in shorts and a t-shirt. It's not that hot out, I'd rather have the windows opened. Right now, I don't have any indoor animals. Hubby doesn't want any animals in "his" house. I've told him it's my house too. These are just a couple of examples of why I'd prefer a duplex or separate houses.


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## Terri in WV

Yep, Dizzy, it makes a lot of sense to me too. Just for a few of the reasons you mentioned, plus many more.


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## AZHomesteader

Yes we have a daughter that just started college and a 10 year old son. I am 9 years older then my wife, I am 54 she is 45. I know there is no other man involved in this. shared computer and cell phone. Plus small town and people talk. She said she lost who she is. She says she doesnt know what the future will hold for us but atleast for the moment she doesnt want to throw away our marriage.
Over the years i have grown so depended on her that she feels smothered, Neither one of us have family out here, we came from the east coast and started full time homesteading. Our homestead was my inheritance and the will stated i have to pass it down to my kids that it cant be sold. I know my wife wants it to go to the kids so they will always have a place to call home.
I know some folks say your better off with out her and so forth but i truly love my wife and its hard to look forward with out her by my side.We both have had a failed marriage, i raised my step daughter as my own since she was 4 years old, she calls me dad still and has a family of her own. My son from my 1st died in a car accident on 10/10/2002. So yeah i am over protect of my family. I guess i have grown weak over the years. I am not emotionally as strong as i was when i was younger.


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## willow_girl

I am not saying you necessarily have to throw in the towel (unless that's what you want); just don't let her walk all over you. That actually won't make her like you any better; like I said, the respect thing. 

What you need to do, IMO, is man up here and be the leader. Don't let the situation drift. Take charge! If I were in your shoes, I'd call and make an appointment with a marriage counselor and invite her to join you, but make it clear you're going by yourself if she doesn't show up. And follow through with it. Get the ball rolling, hopefully in your direction. Good luck.


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## AZHomesteader

willow_girl said:


> I am not saying you necessarily have to throw in the towel (unless that's what you want); just don't let her walk all over you. That actually won't make her like you any better; like I said, the respect thing.
> 
> What you need to do, IMO, is man up here and be the leader. Don't let the situation drift. Take charge! If I were in your shoes, I'd call and make an appointment with a marriage counselor and invite her to join you, but make it clear you're going by yourself if she doesn't show up. And follow through with it. Get the ball rolling, hopefully in your direction. Good luck.


Thank you Willow Girl. i am going to do that, you are right i need to get the ball rolling i have been sitting here for too long blaming myself and not doing anything.


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## FarmboyBill

Your both right. Getcher ballz rollin lol


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## Terri

I was ALSO too dependent and smothering on my spouse. Do you know what he did about it? He started saying "no, you go right ahead, though, don't let me stop you". So I went places and did things without DH. I got used to being more independent after a while, and he no longer felt smothered. 

There are 2 people in every marriage. If she has not yet learned an effective way of putting her foot down, then it would be better if she did. It is not your fault or her fault, it is simply a skill that can be learned, to make everybody more comfortable when living under the same roof.

IMHO.


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## sidepasser

I learned that it is better for me to have my friends and be involved with activities outside my marriage. My DH was 53 when we got married and had never been married before. I had been married before but had been widowed for 12 years before I met DH. So..you have two very independent people trying to learn to live with each other..lol..

I have a horse and ride almost every day, I like to go to shows, I love to trail ride out in the back woods. I have an extensive friend network. My DH on the other hand, does not like crowds, reads extensively, and likes to go for walks with the dog and I. We both would be smothered if we were together all the time. When we are at home, I give him his space to do what he likes (gardening, mowing the yard, reading) and he gives me my space to do my horse thing. We do one day together every week as a date day/night. Sometimes we don't spend a dime, just go walking together. We plan for that date on Mondays so we have all week to look forward to it. 

I never want to be so dependent on DH that I can't function were he to no longer be in the picture. He feels the same way about me. That doesn't mean I wouldn't kick butt and take names were anyone to mess with him..lol..I can be very protective of him and his privacy. It is really not good though to be so dependent on a person that you can't function without them. Everyone needs to be self sufficient to the extent possible given health and financial resources. 

I recommend the marriage counseling for yourself even if your DW won't go. You will learn things about yourself that you may have forgotten.

It's ok to do the living apart w/benefits for a time, but I suggest that you develop some idea of how long you want that to go on. I have found that a house divided will not stand and married couples who live apart generally drift apart over time.


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## AZHomesteader

Well i went to counseling but she didn't, To me it wasn't very fruitful, my mind seems to drift a lot lately thinking about our time together, i need to focus on matters at hand more. I go back same time next tuesday.


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## Laura Zone 5

Protect yourself.


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## whiterock

Man! OK, I read a book by Ben Greene, I think The Village Horse Doctor, he said a woman came in once and wanted him to dock her dog's tail, but she wanted him to do it one joint at a time, she thought it would be kinder than to take the whole thing off at one time. I think some women are like that with relationships/marriages, instead of ending it at once, they cut things off a bit at a time. I hope this isn't what is happening with your wife and marriage, but you need to prepare yourself, get a lawyer, get affairs and accounts in order just as if she said it was over when she left.
I feel for you, man.
Ed


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## tambo

You can either let her control how this is going to go or you can control it. I wouldn't sit back and wait for her to figure out what is going on with her. Tell her if you are going to live apart then you were going to be divorced and start the process. That might wake her up. I know it's easy for me to say that since it's not me in the situation but if she sees she isn't the one in control maybe it will get her off the fence.


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## whiterock

AZHomesteader said:


> . I am not emotionally as strong as i was when i was younger.


Oh, yes, you are! We are all stronger than we think we are. Either way, you will come through this, and continue on your life's journey.
Ed


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## Fowler

I would cut her off, do your own thing. Ignore her, no sex, no dinners, NO!! woman always want what they cant have...LOL!!


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## oneraddad

whiterock said:


> We are all stronger than we think we are.
> Ed



No truer words have been spoken


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## copperkid3

AZHomesteader said:


> Well i went to counseling but she didn't,
> To me it wasn't very fruitful, my mind seems to drift a lot lately thinking about our time together,
> i need to focus on matters at hand more. I go back same time next tuesday.


++++++++++++++
may very well lie in the fact that she refused to go along to the counseling session. 
That in itself says *VOLUMES* in that she apparently isn't that interested in trying to make the marriage work. 
Continue to go if you feel the need, (who knows, it might help?) but I'd certainly start by making plans to finalize
what she started and protect yourself. This may involve getting a good attorney to draw up a contingency battle plan. 

Time will soon tell, if that plan ever needs to be implemented.

Sorry to hear of the change in developments....but it doesn't sound promising.


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## AZHomesteader

Well im pretty sure she doesnt want to give it a chance, she hasnt done anything she said she would barely even talks to me, been doing the homestead work alone and come to terms with things. I cant blame her, i dont know any woman that would want to live off grid and work so hard and have little money to even show for it. Times have changed and i guess family values have too. Not looking forward to living a lonely life alone. Never again will i put all my faith and trust in anyone. Trust me its very painful.


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## dizzy

So sorry you're dealing w/this.


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## Forcast

Post your photo and age ect we will find you a new one if you like.


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## Bellyman

AZHomesteader said:


> Well im pretty sure she doesnt want to give it a chance, she hasnt done anything she said she would barely even talks to me, been doing the homestead work alone and come to terms with things. I cant blame her, i dont know any woman that would want to live off grid and work so hard and have little money to even show for it. Times have changed and i guess family values have too. Not looking forward to living a lonely life alone. Never again will i put all my faith and trust in anyone. Trust me its very painful.



I'm not sure you're thinking clearly. There are women who want to live off grid. One question I might have is whether you would be able to make living off grid a better experience by improving your system? Could some additional panels and batteries be the difference between a miserable system and a decent one? Just asking. 

There are other things to work for than "money". Not all work translates into money. There are women (and men) who work very hard at things that make no money at all but give them some other kind of satisfaction. Having wonderful home grown food to eat in the dead of winter when the best of stores only have shipped in stuff, that's hard to buy even if you have lots of money. Intangibles can be valuable, too. 

Times and family values have changed, you're right. Things aren't like they were 60 or 70 years ago in the society we live in. If someone wants all the glitter, glamor and gadgets this world has to offer, they can chase them forever and never run out of new things to chase. If someone wants excitement like they see on tv, there is no end to that chase either. If someone wants to be entertained and stimulated constantly, the tv producers will not fail to give it their best shot. And no, a regular person with a homestead and a dream probably can't compete with that... if that's what they want. Not really knowing what your wife wants leaves a big gap in the conversation.

Who says you'll be along forever? Why should you be? Life has not ended because your wife decided to leave. It will go on. And if you happen to find companionship again, who's to say they won't be more faithful to the relationship than you are? Just because one woman hurt you doesn't mean all women will hurt you. Don't do that to yourself or them by judging them before you ever meet them. Yes, it's painful, now. That's normal. The feelings and the outlook can often change in time, if you let it. (I have a cousin who relives the evils of his ex every day for the past 20+ years and he's just about the most miserable person I know.) Hey, I've been there as far as the wife leaving. I know what it felt like to come home to an empty house and know she's not coming back. Sure it hurts. And it's hard to see past that moment. But there is life after that. 14 years later, I'm remarried and much happier than I ever was in my first marriage. Way better sex life, too. Way better person. But I wouldn't have had a clue what was to come at the time my first wife left. Life had barely gotten started.

Hang in there. It will get better.


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## Guest

There are plenty of fine women who live or have lived off grid...they're here on HT..

Off-grid doesn't mean being miserable..LOL...solar and wind power make nearly all of modern technology possible..just on a smaller scale...and there are propane refrigerators and lamps...so many things are possible..my many Old Order Amish friends live off-grid and they are far from miserable...OTOH, I know some people who have unlimited resources, and hundreds of acres of land, and they spend their days being miserable...

I'd estimate a good half of the people on HT would be content to have a wood cook stove, solar or oil lamps, stove toasters and range coffee pots..along with good heated running water and an occasional treat of a battery-powered tv/dvd movie..life is very good...

I hope that you'll stick around on Ht/ST...people here of both sexes have "been there and done that"..have the scars...are in all stages of healing..and have big shoulders...talk about your place..your homestead..your livestock..talk about feeling lousy...scared..and unloved...we'll listen...and then we'll clap for you when you begin to put things behind you...


----------



## Twp.Tom

Lot's of great words of encouragement AZ*, Try to see that Your Life can get better with change-anything is possible. Happiness is always just around the corner. Peace*


----------



## AZHomesteader

Thank you all for giving me a better insight on all this, I know you cant make someone love you back no matter how hard you try, as hard as it is to let go i feel i am going to have to do that, she seems happy with the choice she made so why should i sit here and be so miserable. I have land, animals and a roof over my head and not paying rent or truck payments, everything i got is paid for. I am not the one that left or asked her to leave, i never gave her the cold shoulder. Tomorrow i get back to what i know Homesteading!!


----------



## roadless

I understand what you are going through.
You are not alone.
:grouphug:


----------



## sustainabilly

AZHomesteader said:


> Well im pretty sure she doesnt want to give it a chance, she hasnt done anything she said she would...





AZHomesteader said:


> I know you cant make someone love you back no matter how hard you try, as hard as it is to let go i feel i am going to have to do that, she seems happy with the choice she made so why should i sit here and be so miserable.


This was me 3 1/2 years ago, AZH. The range of emotions you go through --and will _keep_ going through for some time yet-- is mind boggling. Some days're better...some worse. You re-visit issues a bunch of times, ask yourself why, place blame, take it away, place it somewhere else, get depressed, and ...yada yada. But you're right when you say you're comin to terms with it. You will...in time. Maybe more'n you anticipate, but hang in there buddy. It does get better.



AZHomesteader said:


> Not looking forward to living a lonely life alone. Never again will i put all my faith and trust in anyone. Trust me its very painful.


After all this time and a couple of heart twisting false starts along the way, this is the biggie for me too. But, even _this_ gets easier as you go along. It's harder and comes a lot slower when you live a more reclusive lifestyle. But, there _is_ an upside. In your situation, you probably don't have a steady exposure to other people, which one would think would help you learn to recognize, then avoid, the behaviors you can't abide. That works for some people. But for some of them, they forget what has to be in place first. Themselves! So they keep having setbacks in the social interaction area of their lives. _You_, OTOH, will have the opportunity to strengthen your core beliefs and learn to be comfortable in your own skin. In short, work smarter, not harder. The road ahead will most likely be bumpy, emotionally speaking. But you got the right plan for moving ahead below. 



AZHomesteader said:


> Tomorrow i get back to what i know Homesteading!!


:thumb:


----------



## whiterock

Hang in there buddy, I sent you a pm.
Ed


----------



## hawgsquatch

Hey buddy,

I got dumped out of the blue five years ago because she "wasn't happy." I was devastated as you are now. I blamed myself 110 percent because I could not make her "happy." Know what? Her happiness is not my responsibility. I did the best I could, and it wasn't my fault that it didn't make her happy. I had resigned myself to a life of mistrust and loneliness as well. But the curious thing I learned is this. I am alone but in no way am I lonely. I value my close friends far more now. I may find a nice lady someday and I may not but in a world with 7 billion people, I will never ever be alone.I learned a few good quotes that I keep in my wallet and locker at work. These might work for you too. 

You cannot love someone enough to make them love you back.

It's never too late to never give up.

You have to be where you are, to get where you are going.

The best way to love your children is to respect their mother.
(You don't have to like her, but respect her)

Hope these help. Go fishing a bunch, work, go back to school, keep busy and don't try to replace her. You need to grieve this as much as you would a death or sickness. You may never feel the same again but one thing is for sure. You will never feel this low again either. If you can whup this (and you can) you can whup anything.


----------



## hawgsquatch

This is my next tattoo

&#8220;Isn't it strange how princes and kings,
and clowns that caper in sawdust rings,
and common people, like you and me,
are builders for eternity?

Each is given a list of rules;
a shapeless mass; a bag of tools.
And each must fashion, ere life is flown,
A stumbling block, or a Stepping-Stone.&#8221;


&#8213; R.L. Sharpe

You still have the tools and the rules and the mass is as shapeless as they get. What shall you build?


----------



## rickfrosty

AZHomesteader said:


> After 19 years my wife decided that she wanted to be free of the homestead and me  Now i am doing it alone, I have dairy goats, chickens, turkeys and sheep. We had a huge garden and i find i cant keep up with everything myself, im still feeling lost and seems nothing is getting done, anyone have suggestions?


Probably all you can do is wait for the pain to lessen. 
I have been 5 weeks in hell since the love of my life left me, but it is getting a little better .
Are there any ways you can get back up on the horse you fell off of (if you can find time ?)? Dating sites, if you are not so geographically challenged as I am ?
Church ?
Good Luck, hope you will feel better.


----------



## Guest

I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort for you, but I don't. A lot of people here think I'm somehow able to help them, but it's not me, it's those people, themselves. They read words, and take comfort, or see their way ahead. It's up to them to move up, just as it's now up to you. Everybody here has read about (almost) everybody else's battles. I can tell you that almost everybody here has had their own devastation. Yet, somehow, we all manage to laugh together sometimes. And you will too. It's on you to get yourself in motion again, and don't forget, once you're back in the saddle, that you did it. Be proud of your accomplishments. Life goes forward. Whether or not you reconnect with your wife, or get use to being alone, or find someone new, every step along the path is yours, and yours alone. You ain't got no choice, the sun will come up in the morning, and it's your day to use, or waste.


----------



## AZHomesteader

I agree 100 percent zong, i have wasted a several weeks already, i did start getting back into running the homestead, if i dont get the winter garden in i dont eat. I am scaling it down in size to better handle it alone.


----------



## AZHomesteader

rickfrosty said:


> Probably all you can do is wait for the pain to lessen.
> I have been 5 weeks in hell since the love of my life left me, but it is getting a little better .
> Are there any ways you can get back up on the horse you fell off of (if you can find time ?)? Dating sites, if you are not so geographically challenged as I am ?
> Church ?
> Good Luck, hope you will feel better.


I am right there with you, its strange how one person can really drag another person down so low and it doesn't even bother them. I need the switch like my wife has, just turn it off and i no longer exist. It really does suck how uncaring someone can be after so many years together. Im like you i live between no where and nothing, pretty remote.


----------



## Raeven

Sometimes you gots to fight to stay afloat. Or maybe the best you can do for awhile is go down swingin'.


[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czIHMThT4tI[/ame]


You'll be ok, promise.


----------



## reneedarley

sustainabilly said:


> The range of emotions you go through --and will _keep_ going through for some time yet-- is mind boggling. Some days're better...some worse. You re-visit issues a bunch of times, ask yourself why, place blame, take it away, place it somewhere else, get depressed, and ...yada yada. But you're right when you say you're comin to terms with it. You will...in time. Maybe more'n you anticipate, but hang in there buddy. It does get better.


Wise words indeed.
And warm wishes from over the seas.


----------



## AZHomesteader

Yesterday i found some things out to my surprise, i am not going in to detail about it but some of you was so right about it. What an idiot i have been, After what i found and read i wash my hands of her, I am going to go file for divorce. You give someone everything you got, provide for them and this is how they repay you. Fine, she better hope she never needs anything from me because she is totally on her own going forward now. Geez i cant believe i have been that stupid!! I refuse to spend the rest of my days pondering what was so wrong with me. I raised her daughter from the age of 4, i raised our daughter and son. All i did wrong was love her. She made her bed so she can lay in. I am finished!!


----------



## Terri in WV

Don't beat yourself up for being stupid. We all are at one time or another. 

Count yourself lucky that you found out what you did sooner rather than later. Saves you a lot of time and heartache.


----------



## whiterock

Good for you AZ, sometimes we are blind to things we DON'T WANT TO SEE. Now you can go on with your life as you see fit. It will still be hard, some days very much so, but each passing day is better.
Ed


----------



## Bellyman

AZHomesteader said:


> Yesterday i found some things out to my surprise, i am not going in to detail about it but some of you was so right about it. What an idiot i have been, After what i found and read i wash my hands of her, I am going to go file for divorce. You give someone everything you got, provide for them and this is how they repay you. Fine, she better hope she never needs anything from me because she is totally on her own going forward now. Geez i cant believe i have been that stupid!! I refuse to spend the rest of my days pondering what was so wrong with me. I raised her daughter from the age of 4, i raised our daughter and son. All i did wrong was love her. She made her bed so she can lay in. I am finished!!


Not even a little hint? LOL!! 

Seriously, glad to know you're at least finding some answers that help you make sense of what's going on. 

Take care!


----------



## dizzy

I've known a few people who have been blindsided like that. No hint, then all of a sudden, bam! they hit their unsuspecting spouse that way. And, it's not always the wives. Sometimes it's the husbands.


----------



## Trainwrek

Now is a good time to reassess your livestock operation. Turkeys AND chickens? Goats AND sheep? Some unnecessary redundancy there.

I'd dump the turkeys and either the sheep or goats ( whichever produces less for you ).

Join a gym or buy some equipment and get in the best shape of your life. Get yourself some decent duds, and get back in the game.


----------



## okiemom

I am so sorry this is happening to you. if she meant that much to you fight for her. Wow I have see men fight harder for their favorite football team than most guys fight for the love of their life. Any people wonder why women give up. a wife is a help mate not a mules back. 

you act like it is a done thing even though you were both talking not long ago. this may be the time to focus on the both of you and not the farm unless you want to do it solo. I feel your pain and confusion but doing noting reinforces to her that she means nothing to you, your animals and the land mean more. if that is true ok if not.... don't just sit there.


----------



## Trainwrek

AZHomesteader said:


> Your opinions are fine Farmboy Bill, Im not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, i happen to love my wife very much and to me this is a sucker punch to the heart, It helps to hear what others have done to get going with life again, Our homestead is a working homestead that supported our money needs and food needs. I'm not blaming her or myself, i'm sure we did take each other for grant, she feels the need to be free from this lifestyle which is not for everyone.
> 
> Freedom of speech is one of our rights and feel free to say what you please, It is good to hear what everyone has to say


When women change out of the blue like that, I'd bet dollars to donuts that she met somebody else. Otherwise, she would not have left so abruptly.

Don't beat yourself up, I doubt you did anything wrong. it was her decision to leave. The best revenge is living well. I do not agree with the poster saying 'fight for her', thats the best way to end up looking like a boob. At best she might come back for a little while out of pity and it will be a disaster. If she left, its all 100% her decision and people generally do what they want regardless of how hard you fight.

I give the opposite advice. Move on completely. Make the most of it, there are alot of great advantages to being single.


----------



## Guest

Just my own 2 cents..I'd fight like heck for a marriage of 19 years and the person I loved..UNLESS my love of 19 years was dabbling in adultery...then I'd wash my hands of him and hire an attorney...instantly...


----------



## whiterock

After that long if a spouse leaves, they had their mind and a plan of action made long before leaving.
Ed


----------



## tambo

Don't beat yourself up for trusting her. It's easy to mistreat someone that loves you if that is the kinda person someone is. That's says everything about them. It's on them.

This is some advice I wish I could learn.... Don't let it affect you trusting someone again. Maybe we/you should've seen the signs and feel stupid/dumb for not seeing them but we/you trusted them until they showed us we couldn't. 

I don't trust to easy at this age in life but if someone ever did come into my life again I know what I will do if they break my trust. I am strong enough to walk away from them and live well. Hang in there.


----------



## Twp.Tom

Trust becomes fragile,when broken.


----------



## Terri

AZHomesteader said:


> Geez i cant believe i have been that stupid!! I


*YOU* were not the stupid one!:cowboy:


----------



## dizzy

okiemom said:


> I am so sorry this is happening to you. if she meant that much to you fight for her. Wow I have see men fight harder for their favorite football team than most guys fight for the love of their life. Any people wonder why women give up. a wife is a help mate not a mules back.
> 
> you act like it is a done thing even though you were both talking not long ago. this may be the time to focus on the both of you and not the farm unless you want to do it solo. I feel your pain and confusion but doing noting reinforces to her that she means nothing to you, your animals and the land mean more. if that is true ok if not.... don't just sit there.


Seeing as he was ready and willing to fight just a little bit ago, and has now found out something he didn't know then, I'd say that there's probably a reason he doesn't want to post as to why he's done.


----------



## Laura Zone 5

AZHomesteader said:


> Yesterday i found some things out to my surprise, i am not going in to detail about it but some of you was so right about it. What an idiot i have been, After what i found and read i wash my hands of her, I am going to go file for divorce. You give someone everything you got, provide for them and this is how they repay you. Fine, she better hope she never needs anything from me because she is totally on her own going forward now. Geez i cant believe i have been that stupid!! I refuse to spend the rest of my days pondering what was so wrong with me. I raised her daughter from the age of 4, i raised our daughter and son. All i did wrong was love her. She made her bed so she can lay in. I am finished!!


Not stupid.
Not idiot.

Loyal.
Trustworthy.
Honorable.

There's no going back now. Even when you feel like you can 'forgive and forget'.....you can only forgive, and that will take T-I-M-E and lots of it.

I'm so sorry. I have walked in your shoes...and it sucks, a lot.


----------



## nehimama

I feel your angst and your anger. Many of us, myself included, have been in a similar, wrenching situation, and yes. It hurts very badly when your trust is viciously abused and broken. 

May I say that you will be able to love and trust again one day, once time has passed, and this awful hurt has gone away?

Please take care of yourself now. YOU are the one who matters. (((HUGS)))


----------



## Bellyman

Although not pushing for details when I mentioned a "hint", I had hoped for at least a little info, enough to get an idea of the kinds of issues that were going on. Is there another man? Is there an issue of questionable orientation? Is there another woman? Is there a drug problem? Is there something illegal that she's taken to doing without you knowing? Something perverted? 

We've done a lot of talking without really knowing for sure what we've been talking about. Figured maybe we could get a little "closure". (??)

If the OP doesn't want to say, I guess he is entitled not to. Or maybe I've missed it somewhere and don't realize it. (?)


----------



## Guest

Bellyman said:


> Although not pushing for details when I mentioned a "hint", I had hoped for at least a little info, enough to get an idea of the kinds of issues that were going on. Is there another man? Is there an issue of questionable orientation? Is there another woman? Is there a drug problem? Is there something illegal that she's taken to doing without you knowing? Something perverted?
> 
> We've done a lot of talking without really knowing for sure what we've been talking about. Figured maybe we could get a little "closure". (??)
> 
> If the OP doesn't want to say, I guess he is entitled not to. Or maybe I've missed it somewhere and don't realize it. (?)


Often, in today's world, it's best to say as little as possible until all of the legal embers have cooled.....


----------



## AZHomesteader

It has to do with facebook and a certain person, that's all i will say about it. It just makes me sick!!!!


----------



## AZHomesteader

I was raised old school, respect women, never raise your hand to a woman, love and protect them. I have lived my life old school work hard, love your family but dad never told me about this part of it. Still cant believe i didn't see it coming. I guess love is blind as they say.


----------



## Terri

Your Dad may not have experienced it. There are as many honorable women as there are honorable men!


----------



## Bellyman

AZHomesteader said:


> It has to do with facebook and a certain person, that's all i will say about it. It just makes me sick!!!!


Thanks, AZHomesteader! Just that speaks VOLUMES!!! And gives a world of perspective.

Facebook can do weird things to people. Connecting with people from a person's past, especially old romances, can have a person, such as yourself, competing with things that aren't even real. Seriously, how would you compete with the guy she remembers that she experienced that first "melt you where you are" kiss? (Or more.) And it will bring back memories of what life was like then, sometimes for both people sitting at those computer screens. But there has been a lot of water under the bridge since then and people may not be the same as when that legendary kiss happened. But yet that's the fairy tale that someone may be chasing, a fairy tale that doesn't exist anymore. People will sometimes walk away from a really good life and situation to chase stupid fantasies. It's very sad. And it can hurt good people badly. 

That may not be the situation you're in the midst of but it's one scenario that has happened quite a few times before.

Anyway, I hope I didn't come across as too obnoxious in asking. Didn't mean to be. But thank you, sincerely, for your additional clarification. It helps the conversation to make a lot more sense to me.

Take care!


----------



## AZHomesteader

Here is about me: I was born and raised on a farm in Indiana, The whole family lived there, Mom & Dad, Grandma & Grandpa, Aunt & Uncle, we all worked it and a close knit family, The values i was taught i would not trade for anything in this world. I am now 54 i am not in bad shape for my age, i served this country for several years in the Army. I still cant believe she would just throw away our family like this. Even my step daughter is mad about it. She called me and told me she loves me and still calls me Dad. I hope i get thru this, it still feels hopeless.


----------



## Trainwrek

If its any consolation, your not the first guy or even the ten billionth to ever go through exactly the same thing. Pretty much happens to every guy at some point. Thats just the way it goes sometimes.


----------



## nehimama

AZHomesteader said:


> It has to do with facebook and a certain person, that's all i will say about it. It just makes me sick!!!!


I am SO sorry!


----------



## dizzy

AZH, right now, you feel betrayed and I can't say I blame you. Take the time you need to heal. And don't let anyone rush you or push you into anything you're not ready to handle.


----------



## MichaelZ

Sorry to hear of this. Wow that would break just about anybody. Use this as a time to turn toward the author of all peace. Read the Gospel of John - this will show you that there is a much bigger purpose than what we all struggle with in our daily life. And read the Psalms. Find a bible-based church and attend - if it is truly a good church, you will find a bunch of folks lending you a hand with what needs to be done on your farm. Pray for your wife (if you can) and find others to pray for you and your wife - then accept whatever answer you get.


----------



## wr

AZHomesteader said:


> Here is about me: I was born and raised on a farm in Indiana, The whole family lived there, Mom & Dad, Grandma & Grandpa, Aunt & Uncle, we all worked it and a close knit family, The values i was taught i would not trade for anything in this world. I am now 54 i am not in bad shape for my age, i served this country for several years in the Army. I still cant believe she would just throw away our family like this. Even my step daughter is mad about it. She called me and told me she loves me and still calls me Dad. I hope i get thru this, it still feels hopeless.



You will get through it, one day at a time and it does take a lot of days. 

There comes a point when figuring out why thing fell apart and who's the bad guy really doesn't matter. What does matter, is taking care of yourself, doing what's right for you and getting yourself to a good place so the anger and unhappiness doesn't consume you.


----------



## CajunSunshine

azhomesteader said:


> ......i hope i get thru this, it still feels hopeless.


 hang on pain ends

_Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise._ 
--a truism borrowed from Victor Hugo's _Les Miserables_


Remember, it doesn't matter who hurt you, or broke you down. What matters is who will make you smile again.

I've been in your shoes, and can vouch for the trainwreck feeling! _You will heal._ But first you need to grieve (push thru it, don't try to go around the pain...it's necessary for the "scab" to form, so to speak). But don't linger too long! After you have purged some of the toxins, one of the best coping mechanisms is to _let go_ of the things that make you sad. After you have properly grieved, the pain will want to hang around and monkey with you. Shoot the monkey! When you start thinking sad thoughts about what is hurting you, de-rail them by getting up and doing something, anything to "change the scenery". These bursts of temporary diversions add up to reconditioning and healing of your mind and heart. 

It really works.

.


----------



## AZHomesteader

This roller coaster is tearing me up, one minute im fine, really dislike her and the next im about ready to break down. Right now i feel lost again. Should i go after this guy and teach him a lesson about being a home wrecker. i really dont know what to do right now.


----------



## whiterock

Here's how I see it. If she has found another man, he may or may not have known she was married, but she sure as heck did. The blame is on her about 99% and him 1%. 
I would say this about anyone, man or woman, that is married and gets involved with another. Some times the other doesn't know, sometimes they do and don't care, but it is the spouse that knows for sure.
As for me, if my spouse started running around on me, it would be lawyer time, REAL quick. 

Of course my situation was a good bit different, and can't comprare to yours. 
Ed


----------



## FireMaker

Make copies of any Facebook pages that support your side. It is amazing things that disappear or they close the account.


----------



## AZHomesteader

FireMaker said:


> Make copies of any Facebook pages that support your side. It is amazing things that disappear or they close the account.


I already have and still watching it


----------



## CountryWannabe

AZHomesteader said:


> This roller coaster is tearing me up, one minute im fine, really dislike her and the next im about ready to break down. Right now i feel lost again. Should i go after this guy and teach him a lesson about being a home wrecker. i really dont know what to do right now.


No, you shouldn't. Even though it is very tempting. It is very normal to have these feeling of wanting revenge, but they are unproductive, and only allow you to hurt yourself more. You need to keep your mind occupied with useful matters. Make practical plans for your homestead, plan your fall/next years garden, learn a new skill. I know, easy enough for me to say.

Incidentally - really disliking her is not an indication of "fine". That means she is provoking strong feelings. Aim for indifference. That will take time, but should be the goal. 

It is early days, but things *will* get easier as time goes on. This is not something that you can rush but dwelling on these thoughts will not help you get there. 

Try to forgive. This is not for them, but for you. Holding tight onto resentment only hurts you by keeping the wounds fresh and preventing you from healing. Again - easy enough for me to say. I've BTDT and I think the hardest part was the forgiveness. 

Sending prayers for comfort for you

Mary


----------



## Bellyman

Hey AZ,

I know what you're going through. The emotions are real and they can be brutal. It does get better with time.

One thing to consider... if she left you for another man, she's proven that she's quite capable of leaving HIM for another man, and way easier than she left you. He's setting himself up for the very same kind of heartache by getting attached to this woman. 

Revenge won't get you what you feelings tell you it will. It won't really make you feel better. But you may, in time, get the satisfaction of seeing their little fantasy land unravel. If she leaves him, you can smile and say, "See what it feels like?" If he leaves her, you can smile and say, "See what it feels like?" 

Let them hang themselves with their own rope, FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING!! Often, they'll do it better than you ever could.

Take care, bud. You're gonna be ok. 

P.S. I got a chuckle when I found out the guy my ex was gaga over when she left me turned out to be gay. I couldn't have set that one up if I'd tried.


----------



## Guest

AZHomesteader said:


> This roller coaster is tearing me up, one minute im fine, really dislike her and the next im about ready to break down. Right now i feel lost again. Should i go after this guy and teach him a lesson about being a home wrecker. i really dont know what to do right now.


I don't undersand why anger would be directed towards him.....NOBODY can have an affair with a married person without the married person being very much willing.
Secondly, acting badly out of anger never is a good thing...it causes the other person to feel like a victim, a title which they don't deserve

Go to the Goodwill store...buy two boxes of chipped /ugly glassware....head on over to the town dump...sit there and throw the dishes one by one..listen to the glass shatter...it's incredibly cathartic...OR...start pulling up weeds by hand around your homestead...manhandle those weeds..stuff them into a barrel..holler at them..you get the picture...expend all of that anger and energy to benefit YOU...then fall exhausted into bed and FEEL GOOD !!!!!!!!!

Taking the high road causes the growth of peace in your heart...it's a process.


----------



## Laura Zone 5

AZHomesteader said:


> This roller coaster is tearing me up, one minute im fine, really dislike her and the next im about ready to break down. Right now i feel lost again. Should i go after this guy and teach him a lesson about being a home wrecker. i really dont know what to do right now.


My ex cheated on me with a co-worker.
I really wanted to drag her out front and go white trash on her.......

Then I stopped.
HE picked her. Yeah, she a garden tool for hookin' up with a married man BUT HE PICKED HER.
HE talked to her.
HE pursued her.
HE texted her.
HE called her.
HE took her for rides.
HE took her on dates.........

yeah, she went along with him.......and so that makes her a :tmi: BUT HE PURSUED HER........and had she declined? He would have pursued someone else.
Because HE'S the big woofing dog.
She was just a willing fire hydrant.

Your wife is a willing participant. Yes, he's a poop smear for pursuing a married woman..........but SHE is throwing away HER family.
He's not taking it away.
SHE is giving it away.

AZ, I am all too familiar with your pain.
I am begging you to surround yourself with positive, supportive, helpful, encouraging people. 
Don't count out counseling either......
I waited 18 months AFTER 'reconciling' with the :yuck: to talk to someone, and man I wish I would have done that BEFORE I 'agreed' to reconcile.
I would have told him to go pound sand in 2011.

AZ.........you have kids that need you.
Focus on them, while taking care of yourself.
Screen shot the face book and walk away from it or it will drive you mad.


----------



## sustainabilly

It ain't worth it AZ. Sure, it feels like it'd be, but it ain't. You're smarter than that. Else you wouldn't have the working setup your living on.


----------



## AZHomesteader

Haha the latest message from her to dude is he should leave her alone because she is messed up, naturally he thinks not Should i intervene and tell dude to back off? or let it play out? At this point i don't want her back but i am concerned about the well being of my kids.


----------



## Laura Zone 5

Let it play out.
She could be "playing you" so she can go "back on the down low" and have her "cake and eat it too".


----------



## Ardie/WI

AZHomesteader said:


> Haha the latest message from her to dude is he should leave her alone because she is messed up, naturally he thinks not Should i intervene and tell dude to back off? or let it play out? At this point i don't want her back but i am concerned about the well being of my kids.


Quit reading that trash. Don't fill your brain with THAT negativity. The marriage is over and done with. Move on. Make certain the children are okay.

One step at a time, my friend, one step.


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## Guest

I checked this thread a few days back, seems you were ready to resume living. Now, you're all drama-ed up. Look at the replies in this thread. Look at the people who moved on with their lives, read other stuff they've posted. Look at the people who got enveloped by the drama. Look at their rage, in almost every post they make. Now look at yourself. Which of those 2 categories would you prefer to be remembered as?? No real reason to be crazy, I can guarantee you it won't help. If you want, try to get full custody of the kids. But, let go the drama, just let go. It's OK to be hurt, but not so much to be a drama llama.


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## hawgsquatch

Fight for what is yours but fight fair. Stop trying to "feel normal" this won't happen for years. My new normal is just feeling comfortable five years out from the breakup. Embrace singlehood man, it's a good deal. for example:

My fridge has no food in it that I won't eat.

My closet has no clothes in it that I won't wear.

I leave the toilet seat up in perpetuity.

I can pee in the shower without offending anyone.

I don't ask permission to spend a dime....ever.

My big plans for the weekend include eating Frootloops in my underwear while watching NASCAR......NO ONE CAN CHANGE THIS!

I hung a bear in the yard last year NO ONE COMPLAINED.

I used the bathtub to hold salmon I was cleaning.

I learned to wash my own clothes and cook my own food. If you don't believe me come on out and I will make you a ramen/chili/spaghetti omelet and prove it. Chicks like pink underwear anyways it shows we are sensitive and connected.

I rebuilt my scout motor on the kitchen table, nobody whined.

I reload shells while watching Deadliest catch on TV in the living room.

You don't "need" a woman to be complete. Chill a while and you will come to the point where you "want" a woman. At this point your head will be on straight and you can be discerning and find one who will reload your shells while you eat Frootloops. It gets better man, much better.


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## AZHomesteader

zong said:


> I checked this thread a few days back, seems you were ready to resume living. Now, you're all drama-ed up. Look at the replies in this thread. Look at the people who moved on with their lives, read other stuff they've posted. Look at the people who got enveloped by the drama. Look at their rage, in almost every post they make. Now look at yourself. Which of those 2 categories would you prefer to be remembered as?? No real reason to be crazy, I can guarantee you it won't help. If you want, try to get full custody of the kids. But, let go the drama, just let go. It's OK to be hurt, but not so much to be a drama llama.


You are right, i let go then i grasp at straws again. I do get riled up when i read whats going on with them, i need to forget it and head down my own road instead of hanging on to her shirt tails, Just having a hard time doing that at the moment


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## AZHomesteader

hawgsquatch said:


> Fight for what is yours but fight fair. Stop trying to "feel normal" this won't happen for years. My new normal is just feeling comfortable five years out from the breakup. Embrace singlehood man, it's a good deal. for example:
> 
> My fridge has no food in it that I won't eat.
> 
> My closet has no clothes in it that I won't wear.
> 
> I leave the toilet seat up in perpetuity.
> 
> I can pee in the shower without offending anyone.
> 
> I don't ask permission to spend a dime....ever.
> 
> My big plans for the weekend include eating Frootloops in my underwear while watching NASCAR......NO ONE CAN CHANGE THIS!
> 
> I hung a bear in the yard last year NO ONE COMPLAINED.
> 
> I used the bathtub to hold salmon I was cleaning.
> 
> I learned to wash my own clothes and cook my own food. If you don't believe me come on out and I will make you a ramen/chili/spaghetti omelet and prove it. Chicks like pink underwear anyways it shows we are sensitive and connected.
> 
> I rebuilt my scout motor on the kitchen table, nobody whined.
> 
> I reload shells while watching Deadliest catch on TV in the living room.
> 
> You don't "need" a woman to be complete. Chill a while and you will come to the point where you "want" a woman. At this point your head will be on straight and you can be discerning and find one who will reload your shells while you eat Frootloops. It gets better man, much better.


I hope i get there, sounds like you really enjoy it  I still put the toilet seat down lol 19 plus years of training.


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## Laura Zone 5

AZHomesteader said:


> You are right, i let go then i grasp at straws again. I do get riled up when i read whats going on with them, i need to forget it and head down my own road instead of hanging on to her shirt tails, Just having a hard time doing that at the moment


It's ok.
It's called the grieving process.
You are facing a huge loss.
It's ok to have 48 emotions in a day.

Just focus on yourself, kids, and moving forward; while protecting yourself and your kids.


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## whiterock

tend to and worry about yourself and maybe the kids, as to the drama in her life, let it go, don't watch or get involved, I understand feeling responsible for her, you have been for two decades, but no longer.

Being single is a good thing, gives you a chance to really find out who you are and what you really want. You need to tend to the place, if the kids are with you you need to care for them, don't talk to them about the wife, say nothing, they will remember anything you say that is derogatory and resent it. Be upbeat around them, they will need it. Be there for them, the mom is busy doing something else, and they will need you.
Work on your bank accts and such to protect them, credit cards you might have, etc. Get a lawyer and start preparing if you haven't already, I would go ahead and file as soon as possible, and try for the younger kids.
Let any talking between you be done through lawyers. Eliminates saying something that will come back and bite you in the rear.
Ed


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## Ardie/WI

AZHomesteader said:


> You are right, i let go then i grasp at straws again. I do get riled up when i read whats going on with them, i need to forget it and head down my own road instead of hanging on to her shirt tails, Just having a hard time doing that at the moment


Have a good cry. Pick yourself up, dust your self off, put one foot in front of the other and resume your life. (That's what I did when my second marriage went to heck.).

Forget the woman.


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## CountryWannabe

AZHomesteader said:


> Haha the latest message from her to dude is he should leave her alone because she is messed up, naturally he thinks not Should i intervene and tell dude to back off? or let it play out? At this point i don't want her back but i am concerned about the well being of my kids.


Why are you still reading that stuff? Block them both. Get on with the rest of your life. If you don't want her back, what does it matter what they are saying? Why would you intervene? Let them get on with their life, you take care of your kids by being as loving and level headed as you can.

Mary


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## Fowler

Women like that wreck good men for the rest of us good women. Go find yourself a 20 year old and recover your youth....oh that's from another thread....LOL


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## AZHomesteader

I got the closure i was needing, now i can move forward, she informed me today she wants a divorce. You know what... I am ready for that also, i really am. Being in limbo sucked lol. Nothing ever seemed to make her happy, no matter what we did, She did to her first marriage as she is doing to me. I don't think she will ever be happy with anything or anyone. So now my new life has begun 

P.S. I know there is very good women out there and she hasn't changed me on that at all.


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## Classof66

I say take an inventory of everything. Hay, livestock,tools, equipment. Might not sound important. It is tho.


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## AZHomesteader

Classof66 said:


> I say take an inventory of everything. Hay, livestock,tools, equipment. Might not sound important. It is tho.


I did all that last week, she pretty much took everything out of the house but atleast its easy to clean and a fresh start for me


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## Fowler

hawgsquatch said:


> My fridge has no food in it that I won't eat.
> 
> My closet has no clothes in it that I won't wear.
> 
> I leave the toilet seat up in perpetuity.
> 
> I can pee in the shower without offending anyone.
> 
> I don't ask permission to spend a dime....ever.
> 
> My big plans for the weekend include eating Frootloops in my underwear while watching NASCAR......NO ONE CAN CHANGE THIS!
> 
> I hung a bear in the yard last year NO ONE COMPLAINED.
> 
> I used the bathtub to hold salmon I was cleaning.
> 
> I learned to wash my own clothes and cook my own food. If you don't believe me come on out and I will make you a ramen/chili/spaghetti omelet and prove it. Chicks like pink underwear anyways it shows we are sensitive and connected.
> 
> I rebuilt my scout motor on the kitchen table, nobody whined.
> 
> I reload shells while watching Deadliest catch on TV in the living room.
> 
> You don't "need" a woman to be complete. Chill a while and you will come to the point where you "want" a woman. At this point your head will be on straight and you can be discerning and find one who will reload your shells while you eat Frootloops. It gets better man, much better.


 
Hahahahahahaha....this cracked me up!!! :hysterical:ound::hysterical:ound:


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## AZHomesteader

I know i really liked it also, Its my new standard of living lol


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## Spotted Owl

Fowler said:


> Hahahahahahaha....this cracked me up!!! :hysterical:ound::hysterical:ound:


Don't laugh it's true. 

Rebuilding power saws on the table is much more comfortable that in the shop sometimes. I'm not into NASCAR or frootloops but everything else is hitting the nail on the head. The best part is that he's right nobody to roll eyes, big sigh or complain or any of that other junk they pull. 

Heck I have an eye bolt in the kitchen/dinning ceiling for hanging carcasses, for butchering on a big cutting board that gets clamped to the counter.

Being "alone" is not all that bad. It does take time to get used to and comfortable with. But. It is not a bad thing unless you make it that way for yourself. 

Just remember time, it takes time.



Owl


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## hawgsquatch

That's my funny side, here is my serious one. You now know that it is over and you want to move on. This is a natural way to be. But, are you wanting to move on or are you wanting an end to the pain. 

My situation was different, there was no infidelity. I went to a martial counselor for about six months when she finally agreed to go to one session without me. After that session, my counselor told me , "I am no longer your marital counselor, I am your family counselor. She is done and you are going to be raising some kids half time. " 

I didn't see how I could do it. I was desperate to prove I was desirable and that I could show her that if she didn't want me an even prettier, younger, hotter woman would. I will not go into details and promote my failings, but I lost my faith for a while. I acted like a selfish fool. I dishonored my God, myself, and made literally everyone who cared for me worry for about a year while I ran around like a rutting teenager. 

I didn't have any self esteem, because I wasn't acting in way that was worthy of self respect. I did not listen to those who told me to just chill and be alone. Wish I had.

The good thing is it only lasted a year. I was able to find myself and get back on my path. I am a better dad now. I am a better friend now. I am a better son now. I am living the life I was given with the right things in mind and at heart. Know what? The pain will always be there in the dark corners at the worst times. Good. It reminds me of the fact that I am human and capable of giving and receiving love. 

I am being carefully not to get too preachy here, but Jesus is who got me through this. If you believe, I encourage you to seek out his friendship and guidance. Faith is the one thing she can't take away. I was screaming mad at God for a while. He took everything from me. He gave me myself back in return, it was a good trade.

I encourage you to seek a counselor and the friendship of males. You likely neglected the male relationships in your life while you were involved being a husband. Do something with the boys once in a while, it's empowering. 

You are being given the greatest opportunity to show honor and fatherly love to your children. This is killing them too. Remember that and show them the strength and stability they need. It won't stop them from spewing it all over you when they get mad, but they know what is up and they will always remember who was the rock in the storm and who was the rain. 

The poet said

Seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.


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## Laura Zone 5

Wow.
I am speechless.......that was amazing.
And very good advice.


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## Guest

Perfectly said, Mr. Hawgsquatch..


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## tambo

Stay strong and don't be surprised when she comes back after the new wears off telling you how she made a mistake.


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## wr

AZHomesteader said:


> You are right, i let go then i grasp at straws again. I do get riled up when i read whats going on with them, i need to forget it and head down my own road instead of hanging on to her shirt tails, Just having a hard time doing that at the moment


Block them, unfriend them or just stay off facebook entirely. Watching a train wreck will not change the outcome and getting involved in the whole mess will only involve you in a train wreck. 

Your focus is on making yourself whole and complete for the sake of the kids and keeping your kids sane and healthy. 

Don't ask them to pick sides, don't encourage them to pick sides and don't speak badly about their mother in front of them. She will live with the consequences of her actions but anything you do with ultimately cause the kids to judge your words rather than the subject of your words. 

Divorce can be ugly but you don't have to become an ugly person fueled by unkindness to get through it. It's hard but somebody has to be the better person and it's better to hang onto good values than stoop to someone else's level.


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## AZHomesteader

tambo said:


> Stay strong and don't be surprised when she comes back after the new wears off telling you how she made a mistake.


There is no way on god's green earth that i will ever take her back, A woman that does this twice will do it again and again. I see it as her loss and my gain.


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## AZHomesteader

wr said:


> Block them, unfriend them or just stay off facebook entirely. Watching a train wreck will not change the outcome and getting involved in the whole mess will only involve you in a train wreck.
> 
> Your focus is on making yourself whole and complete for the sake of the kids and keeping your kids sane and healthy.
> 
> Don't ask them to pick sides, don't encourage them to pick sides and don't speak badly about their mother in front of them. She will live with the consequences of her actions but anything you do with ultimately cause the kids to judge your words rather than the subject of your words.
> 
> Divorce can be ugly but you don't have to become an ugly person fueled by unkindness to get through it. It's hard but somebody has to be the better person and it's better to hang onto good values than stoop to someone else's level.


I did, all she was doing was playing up the poor me to dude, So many lie's about things it was like reading the comic's. I am being the rock in the storm for my kids, she has no idea what she is looking for and i really don't care. I don't speak badly about her to the kids, Jezebel made her bed she can lay in it. I am a better person then that, I was a loving husband and i AM a loving Dad. My son told her yesterday he sleeps better here then at her place. Her answer to him was he will get use to it.


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## tambo

AZHomesteader said:


> There is no way on god's green earth that i will ever take her back, A woman that does this twice will do it again and again. I see it as her lose and my gain.


That's good. The best way to get ole dude back is to let him have her!!


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## wr

AZHomesteader said:


> I did, all she was doing was playing up the poor me to dude, So many lie's about things it was like reading the comic's. I am being the rock in the storm for my kids, she has no idea what she is looking for and i really don't care. I don't speak badly about her to the kids, Jezebel made her bed she can lay in it. I am a better person then that, I was a loving husband and i AM a loving Dad. My son told her yesterday he sleeps better here then at her place. Her answer to him was he will get use to it.


Of course he sleeps better at your place because he's in familiar surroundings and he likely will adapt to staying at his mother's but that's all part of the healing process. 

It doesn't matter if she's looking for sympathy or playing the poor her card, it's not relevant in your world so don't waste time worrying about it. 

The things you do need to focus on would be, getting an attorney, finding out what your legal rights and obligations may be.


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