# Gifts for step grandchildren?



## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

I have written this several times and deleted it ,over the last few years..Why, you ask? . because it sounds like I am a witch and I am not...

10yrs.ago, my daughter started a relationship with a man man , who had 2 children by his ex.. We saw the kids every other week end or at least once a month( dd lived near us). We tried very hard to show them love, attention when they were around. We bought them gifts , I even gave my dd money to buy school clothes for them because I would give her money for our gs. We traveled to see there games, we too them to practice and camps and they stayed with us when needed. We have always included them in our holidays, family vactations.. In other words we have tried to not make a big difference in them and our grand...
Every Christmas, our entire family buys/makes for them just as we would our gs. Last yr. After the 16yr. Finished opening his presents he wanted to leave... we hadn't finished opening presents! They have two sets of parents, 6 sets of grandparents AND our family, so they get WAYYYYY to much. Well, as they have aged and our move across the county we may see them once every two months..They come with their dad and my dd to get gs and dont even bother to get out and visit.they are tired, they are on their phones, they are warching a movie..... this has been going on for 4yrs..BUT from Thanksgiving to Christmas , they are all huggie, we love you guys, good to see you, come to make cookies, decorate the tree.... day after Christmas until next Thanksgiving the same thing! I thought it was just me and yesterday dh said something about it and how he felt used... Not sure how to handle . They have 7 celebrations,gift giving during Christmas. Any suggestion, ideas???


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## gibbsgirl (May 1, 2013)

Sounds like they may be acting like a lot of teenage kids do. Hard to predict, tuned out, then tuned in. Don't know.

But, since they are getting older, maybe you might consider gifting them with a deposit to a college type bank acct? Maybe add a small token gift so they have something to unwrap?

Not sure if that helps lps, just an idea.


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## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

Don't give something expecting something in return and you won't be disappointed. I say keep doing as you're doing because it's the right thing.


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

One family and bunches of step grandchildren so we now give one family gift of money to use for their family vacation wherever that might take place. Life is entirely too short to worry over gift giving etiquette but I do understand why it can be a big problem for those who do care. Thanks for the thread topic as I'll be reading it with interest.


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## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

Assigned dates for required gift giving are a form of tribute and manipulation.
Gifts given as reward for a behavior (any behavior) are conditional approval and subtle manipulation.
Gifts given freely without any expectation of quid pro quo are gifts.

Expecting gifts based upon behavior is buying in to being manipulated and conditional approval.

The plain fact is that kids today (and most adults) don't NEED gifts and have an excess of worldly schmutz. Back when many of us were growing up, gifts were a needed new shirt or socks, and a couple of toys expected to last the year if we were lucky. Parents competing to be generous gift givers lost sight of reasonable expectations.

What few gifts we give are off-holiday and an expression of trying to understand the needs of the recipient. Disconnect the cause and effect of standard gift giving and you get to see true colors.


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## Snowfan (Nov 6, 2011)

Good question. Maybe we, as step parents and grandparents, are too concerned about being the least liked set of (in our case) step grand-parents so we tend to over think and try to out do the other sets. Maybe the grandchildren are smarter or more calculating than us. It seems like we are in a bidding war for their respect and love, and they're offering it to the highest bidder. Right or wrong, it's just my opinion. When a child has to be told to say "thank you" for a gift, it really looses something. You feel even guiltier if you see step grand children on a regular basis, but you only get to see blood grand children maybe once a year. Especially if you're not all that excited about your childs choice of new spouse. And the children of the new spouse aren't crazy about the choice either. I agree with you. Lots to consider. Maybe.
This could be a long conversation. I'd better pour another cup of coffee.


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## Cabin Fever (May 10, 2002)

Don't give them any material gifts, give them your time. In other words, maybe take them on a short vacation, camping trip, fishing, geocatching, state fair, or other type of outing that it is just you and them. It doesn't have to be Disney World, either.

To tell you the truth, I do not remember a single material gift my grandparents gave me. What I do remember is the time they shared with me. I will treasure those memories forever.


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

:hrm: Computer is not letting me "like" CF's post, but I do.
Worked with a woman years ago who took her grands for a summer trip with her the summer they were 13, and only that summer. She told me at that age they were enough like real people to have enjoyable conversations with, young enough to still be appreciative and interested, old enough to not need "babysitting", and they hadn't yet succumbed to the teenaged boredom and "i'm too cool to hang out with my grandma syndrome". Edited to add, yes they were stepgrands.


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## Wolf mom (Mar 8, 2005)

Cabin Fever said:


> Don't give them any material gifts, give them your time. In other words, maybe take them on a short vacation, camping trip, fishing, geocatching, state fair, or other type of outing that it is just you and them. It doesn't have to be Disney World, either.
> 
> To tell you the truth, I do not remember a single material gift my grandparents gave me. What I do remember is the time they shared with me. I will treasure those memories forever.


Absolutely BEST thing to do! Thank you, Cabin Fever, for your wise words.

I hate it when folks differentiate kids with the word "step" as in "this is my step daughter"...it sure has a distancing connotation. And kids understand the underlying message that they are not a true part of the "natural" family.

BTW: I understand the OP is trying to explain her situation by using "step children"....


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

They are acting like teen agers. Now, possibly the other grandkids never acted like this with you, but these teens are living with a different family and will have different attitudes on some things. You continue to treat them as you would non steps. You can give them gift cards if you don&#8217;t know what to get them, but continue to give them something. You can also take the group of teens to a movie, then out for a burger, I know people who do this and they all enjoy it.


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

I agree with Cabin Fever. My kids have an amazing bond with their grandparents and it comes from time spent with their grands. 

Maybe instead of buying them 'things' you could take them for a week and spend time with them instead.


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## doozie (May 21, 2005)

If their behavior bothered me, I would give them ( all the children ) their presents last, say something like I saved the best for last, ask them if they like the present after opening, mention that I took a long time deciding what to give them, now that the are teenagers and all. Put a little focus on them, might make them think. 

I can't imagine being dragged around to so many holiday events, as you mentioned 7.
I think it would kind of take the "specialness" out of any holiday, no matter how old I was. 
I also, even as a teen, wouldn't dream of pushing to leave a family, or any other gathering I was invited to, my parents would have called me out on that right then and there.


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## empofuniv (Oct 14, 2005)

When our DD remarried we gained a "bonus" grandson along w the SIL. We gift him the same as we do his new sisters w a small amt of cash. What the children don't know is that we have savings accts set up for all 3 that won't be given to them until they graduate high school. We make deposits on their birthdays and Christmas. They live 1500 mi away and we only get to see them once a yr or so. I like to gift them magazine subscriptions occasionally.


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

Kids can be rotten things if they're allowed to be. Sorry, but I think this is more of a parental problem than a grandchild problem. If your daughter and son-in-law allow these children to behave this way then they are likely to let the younger one do the same. 

I think that you, yourself, would be best served by thinking of these children as your grandchildren, not your step-grandchildren. You might have to work on it within yourself but I think it'd be better for you and for all the children. I am of the opinion that thinking of the word step separates one person from another and it hurts everybody.

I suppose thinking the way I do might be more natural for me than it is for a lot of people. I am the only biological child born to my parents. My four siblings were all adopted. Adoption doesn't make them any less my siblings than had they been biologically related. 

One of my sisters married a man who had three children. Their mother left them when they were five, three and 18 months. They are my sister's children. Like your grandchildren, my sister's children had relationships with that woman and her parents. Her parents are good people but she's a piece of work. She later married another man. After he died she went through every penny of his sizable estate. Last year, one of my sister's boys, 29, recently adopted his now-17 year old sister. 

I remember that as a child my mom's grandma didn't think of my siblings as her grandchildren. I don't think my dad's mom really thought of them as her grandchildren until I was ten or 11. 

The point of my story is to say that it can take time but that a person can change their feelings if they want. It took Mom a while to really feel like my brother's mom. He was about 18 months old and was the first interracial adoption in Indiana. The feelings you're having are normal but you can change them.

Please don't treat your older grandchildren as anything other than yours. Please speak with your daughter and son-in-law about their children's behavior. Please give all children equal presents or give one family gift. 

I would suggest that you don't give college type gifts. I doubt the kids would like that and you don't know if they'll go to college. 

I think that your best bet is just to think of them just like you feel about all of your grandchildren. I think the word step- is a layer of separation. 

Hope things get better for your whole family.


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## 1948CaseVAI (May 12, 2014)

It is not the kids' fault they are "step". It is not their fault they have multiple grandparents/parents and so they "get too much". It is not their fault they have not been taught to properly express gratitude and appreciation.

I do not understand how anyone could look a child in the eye and give them less than other kids at the same gathering are getting, but each to his own.

In my opinion your problem is with your daughter. If you truly treat them as natural grandchildren pull your daughter aside, point that fact out, and tell her what your expectations are.


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## MO_cows (Aug 14, 2010)

Unless they were extremely young when the relationship started, the "steps" aren't going to form the same bond as the "blood" child. It is more likely to happen with step-parents who are with them all the time. But aunts, uncles, grandparents usually just aren't "in the loop" enough to form the same closeness. 

We have this in our family, DS married a lady with 3 kids and they were already big kids. They are never going to bond to me and DH they way they did with their "natural" grandparents they have known all their lives. We accept them as our grandchildren and give them modest birthday and Christmas gifts, which we started doing out of respect to their mother, our DDIL, as we barely knew them at first. We don't do as much for them as we do our "blood" grand-daughter, who we have bonded with since she was a newborn, and nobody expects us to. The "steps" range from just friendly to fairly loving towards us, but I don't kid myself that if me and their "real" grandma both needed a kidney to live - who would get that kidney. We have a good relationship, we just don't put unrealistic expectations on it. DS never tried to be their "new daddy" either. They all have a good relationship with him based on respect, and often they do turn to him instead of their dad for help and advice. 

Teenagers or not, sounds like these kids are taking you for granted. I think decorum dictates gifts for them based on the relationship, but I sure wouldn't go all out with the budget. Even if their heart isn't in it right now, they should be made to go thru the motions of being polite. Waiting in the car and not interacting, is not polite. It does sound like some "quality time" might help the situation. One at a time, doing something that interests them, and hopefully become closer.


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

I never said step, just described it , so you would why I was asking this question. We have worked hard at including them and try not to make any difference. our 8yr.old grandson has had a real hard time understanding the situation. He even told me that his daddy felt like his step daddy but he didn't know why. He has always said "I am going to my mom's house" never "I am going home or to my house". Because that is what the two older ones say to him. They also call their step dad Dad but then correct themselves, if their dad is near... They make a bigger deal than anyone.... By pointing it out. We have alway hugged them. Told them we love them etc.... Maybe I should have asked this just about teenagers and NOT steps....  thank you , great advice..


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

Queen Bee said:


> I never said step, just described it , so you would why I was asking this question. We have worked hard at including them and try not to make any difference. our 8yr.old grandson has had a real hard time understanding the situation. He even told me that his daddy felt like his step daddy but he didn't know why. He has always said "I am going to my mom's house" never "I am going home or to my house". Because that is what the two older ones say to him. They also call their step dad Dad but then correct themselves, if their dad is near... They make a bigger deal than anyone.... By pointing it out. We have alway hugged them. Told them we love them etc.... Maybe I should have asked this just about teenagers and NOT steps....  thank you , great advice..


Life is difficult enough without all this crud. It's hard on you and you're an adult. I'd hate to imagine how much it has to be for the children. So very sad...How can you feel like your dad is your step-father? 

Sad, sad, sad... I hope you can get some support and that you can love and support all the children like they need. I'm sorry things are happening.


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## Cowslip (Sep 4, 2013)

Cabin Fever said:


> Don't give them any material gifts, give them your time. In other words, maybe take them on a short vacation, camping trip, fishing, geocatching, state fair, or other type of outing that it is just you and them. It doesn't have to be Disney World, either.
> 
> I agree wholeheartedly with Cabin Fever. I also agree that it sounds like your step-grandchildren are going through the tough teenage years. And, what child (and they still are, believe me) doesn't act "extra nice" for Santa?  But, because the kids are getting older, and I can't afford to gift my now four grandchildren, I take them on an outing. A movie and lunch of their choice. A walk in the woods and a trip to the penny (er, quarter) candy store. Horseback riding and a burger. They love it. It helps us bond and the gift of time is something not easily thrown in a corner and soon forgotten like a toy. My grandson is into Legos and got so many Lego sets for his recent birthday. I live in Massachusetts and I have a coupon for the newly opened Legoland in Boston. So, that is his gift and he is over the moon and can't wait to go. Me too!


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

I think our 8yr. Old is just confused about it ,ALL! He has never known anything different. AND to the " my dad feels like my step dad" quote, we wonder if he has heard this from his older siblings! Yes, family dynamics are confusing to adults ....how are little ones ever to understand. We have taken them hunting, fishing, out onour boat, camping etc. Movies, nails, dinner out... I hope in some small way we have made their lives more calm...


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## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

Cabin Fever said:


> Don't give them any material gifts, give them your time. In other words, maybe take them on a short vacation, camping trip, fishing, geocatching, state fair, or other type of outing that it is just you and them. It doesn't have to be Disney World, either.


I saw this and skipped the rest of the thread to reply. I was going to say the exact same thing. I am a stepparent, and the kids DO get so much STUFF. I say give them experiences, not stuff, and they'll appreciate it more. Take them bowling, to a ball game, to a concert, etc. Less clutter, more memories.


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## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

Giving your time is a given, they also deserve a gift on special occasions.


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## CountryMom22 (Nov 27, 2014)

In my extended family there are 5 grandkids ranging in age from 16 to 20. My niece, the only granddaughter, is my brother's wife's daughter. I had to think about how to word that as I too don't like the step thing. We don't think of her or treat her any differently than the 4 boys. She is just one of us. My brother and sister in law married when she was 5. My brother is the father who coached all her teams and did homework with her etc. Although her bio dad is around, he never wanted to be fully involved and my brother did.

A few years ago, I brought up at our family Christmas celebration, that all the adults that actually do the shopping were having a hard time finding things to give as gifts because there are so many of us. It felt more like we were just exchanging checks etc. We decided to eliminate gift giving with the exception of the major milestones: HS graduation, 16,18 and 21 birthdays etc. We also adopted this as the grandparents were all getting older and on fixed incomes. When I was growing up we only received gifts from our parents, none from the grandparents aunts or uncles, because they just didn't have the money. WE NEVER MISSED OUT! We were more excited to have everyone over for dinner and talk and play games than open presents.

It was brought up that although I had made the initial suggestion that my kids were the ones that would get "gyped" because they are the youngest. My kids were 12 and 13 at that time. So I actually asked my kids if it would be ok. They were quite happy with the no gift policy. There only concern was "We will still get together to celebrate stuff and have big meals together, right"? I assured them we would because we were family. I have never been prouder of my kids. They really got what was important. This has worked very well for us.

We do go away every 2 years, as a huge family, and take all the grandchildren's schedules, including my niece's, into consideration. She enjoys just being with the family without the gifts as well. All the teenagers go through times when they want to be with the rest of us more or on their own more, but that's natural. When they do participate, they are making memories that will last a lifetime and no one is wondering if they are being involved because it's almost Christmas. Different kids bond with different adults, but that is also normal. My niece and I don't have anything in common, but I would die for her, just as I would any of the other family members. That is just understood in our family. The kids don't get that yet, just how important or unusual that is, but they will.

Do whatever makes you happy, whatever works for your family/situation. As long as it comes from the heart all will be fine.


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## bluemoonluck (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm a stepmom myself and I also dealt a lot with stepfamily issues while I was working as an adolescent counselor. While I won't bore you with the details, I assure you that talking to your DAUGHTER about the behavior of her stepkids won't fix anything. She is their stepmother, and if she's a smart stepmother she's detached & allowing the children's father (i.e. her husband) to handle everything pertaining specifically to his kids from his prior relationship. 

Those kids do have 2 parents, and your daughter is not one of them. Sounds ugly, but if you do any real research into stepfamily dynamics - loyalty binds, parental alienation syndrome, karpman drama triangle, etc - you'll find that it's not uncommon for kids in these situations to show up only on their birthday & Christmas to their step-family members, gather up their gifts, and then go home  You have to remind yourself constantly that they are innocent children and not responsible for the circumstances they are in, or the things that being from a broken family have taught them. 

I think even bio kids/grandkids get too much junk given to them these days. I wholeheartedly support putting funds into 529 plans for ALL kids for their main gift. Even if they never attend college, they can roll their 529 plan over to a 401k when they turn 26, or they can cash it out (with penalties).

So if you usually spend $50/child on Christmas, put $40 into their 529 and buy them something to unwrap with the other $10. Warm socks, art supplies, charger for their cell phone, whatever they want, along with a receipt from their 529 account showing that money has been safely deposited there.


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## menollyrj (Mar 15, 2006)

Here's an alternate theory. The holidays are wrapped in family traditions - making cookies, putting up trees, family meals, and so much else. Maybe their change in attitude at the holidays is because they truly feel like a part of the family and enjoy all the associated traditions (including the giving and receiving of gifts). 

As for the 16 yo, they have an amazing inability to see beyond themselves. They grow out of it, but they do act like toddlers sometimes. And it sounds like his holiday is one big rush from one place to another. Even as an adult, I would be in a hurry to "get it over with" so I could actually enjoy the holiday itself.

Just keep on loving on them like you do any other grandchild. We don't usually know the impact we are making until years (or decades) later.


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

Bluemoonluck, my daughter is a very hands on step mother.if anyone asks how many kids she has ,her answer is three. She is fair, upfront and strict . She is the one who makes sure their dad is involved. She schedules their vacations around the two older children, she buys clothes/uniforms for their sports, she takes them to their physicals, she is the one who enforces the rules. The kids love her and used to cry when it was time to go home. There grandparents on both sides, rave about her and what she does for them.. Their mom's parents told a friend she is the stability they need...


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## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

I gave the neighbor kid a gift a couple days back. He came around with his "I wanna work" routine to get money for his latest crisis and I told him "Sorry, you still owe me for the last two times and you have to work that off before you get another dime from me." Pout pout, glum glum. Walk away with no money and I told him he couldn't work it off this week because it would suit HIS needs not mine.

In a couple weeks, if I am in a good mood, I'll let him work. My gift to him is about a thousand times more valuable to his well being than any toy he might have ever been given. In about 30 years (if he lives that long) he'll recognize it... or not. Not my problem.


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## BigHenTinyBrain (Apr 4, 2013)

I was a step grandchild, treated the same. It was wonderful, as a kid, to not be singled out as "less family".

It sounds like these kids are typical teens, and yes, they are probably getting too much, from too many places, to really stop and appreciate ANY of it. Their other Grandparents probably feel the same as you do.

I agree with several others- transition to a more grown-up gift: money, college contribution, gift certificate, trip out to dinner, time together. And feel free to do it at a time of year other than the holidays, so they aren't dividing their attention between so many families. At this age they can begin to appreciate the thought of the gift, even if it is a small one, rather than focus on the pile of loot.

I hope that these kids, like I did, grow up to appreciate fully how important it was that you treated them like family. Your actions speak louder than your presents!


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Queen Bee said:


> I have written this several times and deleted it ,over the last few years..Why, you ask? . because it sounds like I am a witch and I am not...
> 
> 10yrs.ago, my daughter started a relationship with a man man , who had 2 children by his ex.. We saw the kids every other week end or at least once a month( dd lived near us). We tried very hard to show them love, attention when they were around. We bought them gifts , I even gave my dd money to buy school clothes for them because I would give her money for our gs. We traveled to see there games, we too them to practice and camps and they stayed with us when needed. We have always included them in our holidays, family vactations.. In other words we have tried to not make a big difference in them and our grand...


True love does this ^^^^^^^ w/o expecting anything in return.




> Every Christmas, our entire family buys/makes for them just as we would our gs. Last yr. After the 16yr. Finished opening his presents he wanted to leave... we hadn't finished opening presents! They have two sets of parents, 6 sets of grandparents AND our family, so they get WAYYYYY to much. Well, as they have aged and our move across the county we may see them once every two months..They come with their dad and my dd to get gs and dont even bother to get out and visit.they are tired, they are on their phones, they are warching a movie..... this has been going on for 4yrs..BUT from Thanksgiving to Christmas , they are all huggie, we love you guys, good to see you, come to make cookies, decorate the tree.... day after Christmas until next Thanksgiving the same thing! I thought it was just me and yesterday dh said something about it and how he felt used... Not sure how to handle . They have 7 celebrations,gift giving during Christmas. Any suggestion, ideas???


Their rude and boarish behavior is normal for kids from broken homes, and are given whatever they want by a parent / step parent, trying to win their love.....unfortunately it's pretty normal for kids that age, across the board. They are self absorbed, consumed by social media, and in general 'me first' black holes.....

If you do not "buy" for them because their behavior does not meet your expectations, there will be backlash, and it will cause HUGE problems, huge far reaching problems.
If you don't want to buy, don't buy, for anyone.
If you want to punish kids for not behaving as you expect them too, then don't buy the step kids anything.
Be ready for the fall out though.


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## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

bluemoonluck said:


> She is their stepmother, and if she's a smart stepmother she's detached & allowing the children's father (i.e. her husband) to handle everything pertaining specifically to his kids from his prior relationship.


I'm a stepmom, and I don't agree being detached is the "smart" thing. Every situation is different, but DH and I got together when the children were very young, so they don't remember a time before I was around. I'm very involved, and I'm just as much a parent in the day-to-day lives as their dad is. They spend just as much time with dad as with mom. For me to be detached an un-involved would just tell them that I don't care about them, and that we're not a family. That's ridiculous. Of course I let their dad and mom handle the major things, but I *am* one of their parents too. I can't imagine being a child with a stepparent who doesn't do anything with me, or doesn't care enough to parent me. 

Perhaps if the kids were teens when we met, that would be different.


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## Jenn (Nov 9, 2004)

Queen Bee do I understand correctly, your gs stays with you for the longer visit, they only get the long trip there and back to collect him? So even if you treat them the same when they are there they know they are different from your gs and of course they have a lot more grandparents they need to visit so THEY feel spread thin. 

Probably at the holidays they are spending more time with you and the family and feel more in the holiday spirit? Maybe I would see if I knew a lot more that they are clearly 'being good right before the holidays', but from the brief explanation I think 1- they should have the chance to NOT make the long trip to pick up gs with your DD and SIL if that were possible or 2- they should have the chance to stay the whole time gs does (but then they might not have any time NOT visiting grandparents...).

However as many above say, they're teenagers and talk to your kids, not them, if their behavior is intolerable, and most of all treat them the same!

My dad's adopted. I always felt second class in his mom's home compared to my mom's mom's home. Dunno if that was because she was closer to her 'birth' grandkids who lived down the road and saw her daily not once a year, because she didn't count my dad as her own (she certainly did!!), or signs of her early and devastating alzheimer's. Looking back, his dad never made me feel that way... Just filed away some pics of Grandpa crowding all three of us (under 6!) on his lap back in 1968. RIP, Grandpa, and you too Grandma.


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## Riverdale (Jan 20, 2008)

My grandma gave us socks.

I say, give all grandkids socks.

:cowboy:


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## Jenn (Nov 9, 2004)

I got a pair of mittens from Mom, a book Dad had already read, and one toy they bought (along with two others, one each for my sibs) with the $15 Xmas check from Grandma and Grandpa.


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## mrsgcpete (Sep 16, 2012)

i cant agree enough with Cabin Fever. even if they are teenagers an experience gift is so much better than stuff. and even if they are too cool to admit, they will most likely have a great time. For my kids birthday's this years dh took them to a sci-fi/anime convention. 13 year old DD who is usually a sullen bookish teenager was in her element, and had a fantastic time. Enjoy them for the time of year that you do see them more, and then give them the gift of even more of your time. look for deals online for places you think they would like and take them there and then out to lunch/dinner. We have been to a bunch of cool museums, and quirky restaurants, and the kids really like it.


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## Jennifer L. (May 10, 2002)

Queen Bee said:


> Bluemoonluck, my daughter is a very hands on step mother.if anyone asks how many kids she has ,her answer is three. She is fair, upfront and strict . She is the one who makes sure their dad is involved. She schedules their vacations around the two older children, she buys clothes/uniforms for their sports, she takes them to their physicals, she is the one who enforces the rules. The kids love her and used to cry when it was time to go home. There grandparents on both sides, rave about her and what she does for them.. Their mom's parents told a friend she is the stability they need...


No advice, just wanted to say your daughter sounds wonderful, so :goodjob:
She was raised right!


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## bluemoonluck (Oct 28, 2008)

MDKatie said:


> I'm a stepmom, and I don't agree being detached is the "smart" thing. Every situation is different, but DH and I got together when the children were very young, so they don't remember a time before I was around. I'm very involved, and I'm just as much a parent in the day-to-day lives as their dad is. They spend just as much time with dad as with mom. For me to be detached an un-involved would just tell them that I don't care about them, and that we're not a family. That's ridiculous. Of course I let their dad and mom handle the major things, but I *am* one of their parents too. I can't imagine being a child with a stepparent who doesn't do anything with me, or doesn't care enough to parent me.
> 
> Perhaps if the kids were teens when we met, that would be different.


Detachment doesn't mean you ignore the kids, that you are uninvolved, or that you don't love them. Before you assume you understand what detachment is all about and speak out against it, I strongly suggest you do research on it. You may be detached and not realize it.

I am a stepmother & I was an adolescent counselor for many years, and I was extensively trained to work with families living in step as a part of my Master's Degree program. I can tell you both personally & professionally that detachment saves marriages and protects children from loyalty binds, heads off excessive PAS, and can help lessen drama triangles. 

There are times when all parents & stepparents involved in a child's life have the ability to smoothly coparent, but from experience I know that this is rarely the case. If you're fortunate enough to be in a healthy coparent situation, that's wonderful. But please don't assume that what you are living is the rule, because it is the exception. 

The children are always the ones to suffer the most when families split up. There is a reason that 2nd marriages are more likely to end in divorce statistically than 1st marriages, and that the vast majority of stepmothers who divorce out of steplife refuse to even consider dating a man with minor children ever again. The kids are not to blame, they are the true victims here, and many stepmothers think they are doing the right thing by those kids when in reality they are doing more harm than good.


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

Our grandson is with us,alot. He lives with his parents approx. 20 miles from us. We have the privilege of picking up after school 4 days a week and running him to after school activities. I do homework and feed him dinner 3 days a week. He spends most Friday nights with us because his older siblings have high school games/activities (which my dd and their dad attend) . We take him to his Friday evening travel baseball practice, have dinner out and then they pick him up at lunch on Sat. 

We go to the older kids games if he doesn't have anything.

On every holiday we have changed our celebration so the older kids could be with us... From Christmas day to Christmas eve. Etc. We are happy to share our lives with them...


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