# I Didn't Like Being His YoYo



## Laura (May 10, 2002)

But I didn't want him to cut the string either. I wanted him to hold me and not let go. 16 months of swinging from absolutely wonderful to being pushed away, and back again. It wasn't just because of his hagnasty mother.

I knew he was ill, but I didn't know exactly with what. I preferred denial. Easier to blame his mother on his moodiness and pushing away. His symptoms became quite obvious to me a couple of weeks ago. I verified on the internet found other tells to look for when we play doctor.

Hayseed dumped me again Saturday morning. His illness is glaringly obvious but he won't say a word about it. He told me it was time for us to stop, time for me to move on, find a man who will rock my socks off. Our good-bye kiss was an hour and a half. He kissed my tears away, told me to stop, his heart can't take it. He hid his face so I couldn't see his tears. It's the first time he didn't walked me to my car and open the door since we met.

Life is not fair. He is not being fair. He believes he is being chivalrous and protecting me. He is not. He is making me grieve alone. 

He is still my hay man. When he can no longer do it, his hired hands will take over the labor. I'll see him tomorrow about hay. I don't think I'll be able to stuff my emotions. I'll probably put my foot down, call BS and behave in a way he's never seen me before. In our 16 months he's given me more love and affection I've had in my entire life altogether. I'm supposed to walk away?


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

This sad laura. I am sorry you are going through this. it hurts so bad to fall in love with someone and it does not work out, it feels like a death.

if he means that much to you tell him. if he really is ill and you can live with him being ill, tell him so. Tell him you will take him as he is, if you can live with him as he is.

It sounds to me like you want to marry him.


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

That hurts like Hell, Laura. I can tell, and my heart goes out to you. Prayers and hugs for you.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Another reasaon, at my age, and with the women im likely to attract, that one of us would go haywire


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

That im afraid of commitment


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## acde (Jul 25, 2011)

sorry your in pain


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## gaucli (Nov 20, 2008)

awww I can see your hurt...that brought tears to my eyes. I think City Bound has given you some very good advice. Talk to him and tell him you want him anyway you can have him sick or not. I think he is trying to give you an out...just let him know you are there for him. Best of luck and hope it all works out.


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## GarlicGirl (Mar 12, 2010)

Laura - your posts always have so much wisdom; I wish I had the right words for you now. Perhaps, just follow your instincts and see how open he is to an honest discussion of his illness and that you want to be there for him. Sometimes people need to do things alone. I am so sad for you.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

What a sad situation...for you both. I am sorry.


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

Oh Laura, I'm sorry! The yoyo thing is agony isn't it.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

At least I know WHY we're doing the YoYo thing now. Than one little piece of the puzzle made the whole thing make sense. It sucks.


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## Raven12 (Mar 5, 2011)

You can work together on the problem now that you know what it is.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

laura if you and he truly love each other and the reality of his problem is within the scope that you can both handle it as a couple then it is not much of a problem. The danger of loving someone who is ill comes into play when their illness is larger then the scope of our abilities.


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## Raven12 (Mar 5, 2011)

Right, CB. Isn't that what being a couple is all about? Tackle the obstacles together.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

I am sorry that you are going through this, I hope that you can work things out if he is willing and you still want to.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

I am going to continue to trust and respect Hayseed. I will trust he knows what's best for him (emotionally) and respect his boundaries. I'm letting him lead the changes in this relationship. He does not want to share this heartache with me, that is his choice. He is not completely shutting me out.

I spent a couple of hours with him in the middle of the day yesterday. He's never liked me around while he was working before, he said I was distracting. This time he genuinely seemed to enjoy my company and for the first time asked me to help. He chattered away explaining how mismeasurements and miscuts on the last of the clear cedar tongue & groove going diagonally in the entryway would cost days in lumber replacement, delaying flooring, delaying moving in. 

When we stopped at lunchtime, he allowed me to kiss him on the cheek. He went to get my hay, I went to town for appointments, I would be back that evening to pay for the hay. I returned before quitting time, the wall was finished and he was laquering the trim molding. As he was flitting around finishing up here and there, showing off his craftsmanship in his tiger eye cedar window boxes in the bright lighting, I could see his sheer exhaustion and deep discoloration that wasn't there earlier in the day. No wonder his mom would send someone down to check on him and throw fits when he was late coming home! These were things I could not see in the gloom of evening, of dark rainy days.

He kept the deeply purpled right side of his face turned away from me. I kissed his left cheek and left 5 minutes before quitting time and cried on the drive home.

I will be there for him as much as he will allow. I will not push him to share more than he is able. He and I shared our bad times and cried together when we first met. He knows I know what it is like waiting to die. He knows I received the gift, the blessing of healing and life. I don't think he feels worthy of the same.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

I think maybe Hayseed will get his house finished, get moved in and perhaps choose healing before that choice is lost. He knows I want him to choose healing. As long as we don't behave in ways that bring him close to dropping dead, he does okay. He's only a few years older than I.

He's been a Busy Beaver, working slower but still so much left to do!

I wandered in and found him busy with pencil and paper figuring his cedar closets. Carpet is finally installed so it's comfortable for me to hang out while he works indoors. He enjoys my company as he cheerfully chatters away to himself and to me.

For the first time I was not walking through a construction zone. I was able to sit, relax and notice the details. Not just his amazing woodwork, but he lifted the paint color scheme for the fireplace room from my Happy Place memories I shared with him. The sea foam green of my rocking chair I rocked all my babies in, which is now trashed and in the hay barn, (he cut a swatch)and rose quartz, the color of the flowers and lampshades in my front windows and in front of my house.

I followed him to the other end of the house to the master suite. I hadn't been there since before he'd gotten sick and we "broke up." Then he was excitedly showing off the huge bathtub, cedar and tile work he did. I noticed he nailed the paint perfectly, muted aqua, the color of a piece of beach glass I showed him, just as I had told him of the defunct plans I had for my unfinished addition and uninstalled clawfoot tub.

I took a catnap in a puddle of sunshine on the new carpet while he hauled cedar into the closet and began assembling the shelves. His talking to himself, cussing at the tape measure, hammering and drilling comforted me right to sleep. I don't remember when I slept so sound.

Feurlann is my Sandcastle. I have always loved it even before I knew and loved Hayseed, before I knew they belonged together. I called it Storybook Farm when I first saw it when my best friend sent me down there to "find the river," one of her many ruses to get Hayseed and I to meet 12 years ago. 

But it is my Sandcastle. The tide will roll in and wash it all away.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

I hope that the tide doesn't roll out for a long time, that he realizes what a treasure he has and chooses to live and that you both can be happy.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Thank you, Terri. Hayseed knows my value. That he continued with things in his house for me, even after we supposedly broke up, shows me he is still holding on to those hopes and dreams for us. He downgraded in many areas to save time, but not the things that would be important to me.

The hard part is getting him to know his own value beyond his crafstmanship. He is resistant to knowing his value as the beautiful person he is, worthy of healing, love and a full, long life. Until he knows this, he will not choose it for himself. My love can't save him. He has to love himself, too. He has to WANT healing. He needs to want it before it's too late to have it.

I'm going to offer him part of my liver. The only place we're incompatible is he likes raccoons and I prefer skunks.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

So what do you think is wrong with him? Besides a purple face.


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

laura, indeed! a man that makes beautiful things with his hands and enjoys sharing them is an exquisite creature. it is a true labor of love, just say thank you.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

wyld thang said:


> laura, indeed! a man that makes beautiful things with his hands and enjoys sharing them is an exquisite creature. it is a true labor of love, just say thank you.


He may, or may not, share with me for just a little while. Back when things were good and there was talk of a future for us, he told me he put the place in his family's name because they said he was a "gullible fool." I am okay with that, I have my own farm. 

We are at this time officially not a couple anymore. We are friends, neighbors and business associates. The words don't match our hearts or his actions. He holds his cards close.


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

definitions, labels are transient, it is always good to be thankful 

that thing of namaste I what I mean, go well!


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## gaucli (Nov 20, 2008)

I am not trying to be cruel or anything, but this whole relationship seems kind of strange to me. Best of luck to you.


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## Sourdough (Dec 28, 2011)

gaucli said:


> I am not trying to be cruel or anything, but this whole relationship seems kind of strange to me.


Is that NOT true of all relationships......???? What is a "Normal" relationship like........????


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## gaucli (Nov 20, 2008)

Sourdough said:


> Is that NOT true of all relationships......???? What is a "Normal" relationship like........????


Well I don't think being there for her one minute and not being there the next...playing head games with her...letting his mother control his every move is what I would call a "normal" relationship. He either wants her or he doesn't...why lead her on this way and keep her from moving on? I don't think he is being completely open about things going on...and if they are in a relationship he should be.


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## Sourdough (Dec 28, 2011)

gaucli said:


> Well I don't think being there for her one minute and not being there the next...playing head games with her...letting his mother control his every move is what I would call a "normal" relationship. He either wants her or he doesn't...why lead her on this way and keep her from moving on? I don't think he is being completely open about things going on...and if they are in a relationship he should be.


Laura is a mature and very intelligent lady, and I suspect more than any of us, she is well aware of the choices she is making. This ain't her first trip to the rodeo.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

gaucli said:


> Well I don't think being there for her one minute and not being there the next...playing head games with her...letting his mother control his every move is what I would call a "normal" relationship. He either wants her or he doesn't...why lead her on this way and keep her from moving on? I don't think he is being completely open about things going on...and if they are in a relationship he should be.


I suppose I could look at this with bitterness, how could he do this to me? Love me, romance me, allude to a future, get me terminally hooked, then push me away because he's ill and dying. Typical male pig!

Hayseed has always been there for me, he protected me from his mother when she went hagnasty on me and tried to make peace between us. Yes, he's been private and self-protective about his health issues and he knows I see right through it. We can talk about it now. 

He broke up with me and told me to move on and find someone else, and he cried with me. It wasn't the first time we cried together. We've been there for each other through some tough things in the short time we've known each other.

I choose to be there for him. Our original agreement was friends and neighbors first above all else. 

How does a man deal with his own mortality? If he's smashed by a truck he doesn't have to deal. To some it's very private and personal how they choose to spend their last year or two of life. I have ask him to choose healing, but the choice is ultimately his. 

A year ago this man began rebuilding his home. He took it from new foundation, wrapped and roofed 5,000 sf of house by himself in 9 weeks, then climbed on his tractor and did 120 acres of hay, then did a couple of big roofing jobs. This year he gets exhausted hauling hay out to the cows, then he muddles through a shortened day of finish work beofre turning blue. He's not taking on any construction work, he cannot do it anymore.


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## oregon woodsmok (Dec 19, 2010)

All I can say is that the OP is getting something for herself out of all the abuse.

It's not love when one person is being abused and the other one is a user. 1 1/2 hours to kiss goodbye is getting some free gratification without giving anything in return. It's not mental illness, it is disrespect, dishonesty, and taking advantage.

But if the OP wants to hang out with toxic people and enjoy her own suffering, then so be it. But shame on you to those of you who encourage her to stay in such an unhealthy relationship. Or, I guess it isn't even a relationship if she is the only one participating in it.


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## Sourdough (Dec 28, 2011)

oregon woodsmok said:


> All I can say is that the OP is getting something for herself out of all the abuse.
> 
> It's not love when one person is being abused and the other one is a user. 1 1/2 hours to kiss goodbye is getting some free gratification without giving anything in return. It's not mental illness, it is disrespect, dishonesty, and taking advantage.
> 
> But if the OP wants to hang out with toxic people and enjoy her own suffering, then so be it. But shame on you to those of you who encourage her to stay in such an unhealthy relationship. Or, I guess it isn't even a relationship if she is the only one participating in it.


I find it interesting, how differently "We" all see things. I see Laura's love for him, and I see his love for her. All I see is love. It is interesting what others see. It is a great thread.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

I'm not sure what I see. Well written angst and lots of romantic buzzwords/sentiments but what else? 12 years is a long time to wait; are you sure he was ever "into you"? 

Ah, but what do I know? 

I am puzzled about the liver donation (don't you have to at the least have the same blood type if not more?); liver failure generally causes jaundice but 1/2 of his face is purple? What exactly do you suspect is causing Hayseed's impending departure? I'm really curious.


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## naturelover (Jun 6, 2006)

Me too. What's wrong with him?

.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

If Laura is thinking of offering part of her liver, then he likely has liver disease. 

It is an old wives tale that you only get liver disease or cirrhosis of the liver if you drink too much, by the way. There are other causes for liver disease besides excess alcohol.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

Terri said:


> If Laura is thinking of offering part of her liver, then he likely has liver disease.
> 
> It is an old wives tale that you only get liver disease or cirrhosis of the liver if you drink too much, by the way. There are other causes for liver disease besides excess alcohol.


Yes, I know drinking isn't the only cause of liver disease. Since Laura didn't answer me before when I asked and probably won't now...could you enlighten us as to what kind of "liver disease" (broad term--kinda like the vapors) would cause 1/2 of a person's face to turn purple? I honestly am curious.


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## naturelover (Jun 6, 2006)

katydidagain said:


> Yes, I know drinking isn't the only cause of liver disease. Since Laura didn't answer me before when I asked and probably won't now...could you enlighten us as to what kind of "liver disease" (broad term--kinda like the vapors) would cause 1/2 of a person's face to turn purple? I honestly am curious.


Katy, chronic liver disease can cause purpura. Spontaneous bleeding into the skin that shows as purple patches under the skin.

.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

naturelover said:


> Katy, chronic liver disease can cause purpura. Spontaneous bleeding into the skin that shows as purple patches under the skin.


Thanks, I didn't know that.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

naturelover said:


> Katy, chronic liver disease can cause purpura. Spontaneous bleeding into the skin that shows as purple patches under the skin.
> 
> .


Yes, this is correct.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

My best friend wanted me to dump my husband 12 years ago for Hayseed when he became single. I didn't actually meet him until Feb. 2 2011 in the middle of my nasty divorce and serious illness. Hayseed's dad had just died and his house had burned to the ground. 

No, I haven't known Hayseed very long, but his dad was my hay man for many years.


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