# What would you do?



## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

A long time friend recently told me that she'd caught her husband of 25+ years cheating. It turns out it was many women over the entire course of their marriage. He was out of town on business a lot and even when in town he'd use their kids (when they were young) as an excuse to meet with them. He has sworn up and down he'll never do it again.

She was blindsided, never saw it coming, and is blaming herself for being naive and trusting. She told him to move out, and he has, but he wants counseling and to remain married. She just isn't sure what she wants to do, and doesn't feel she can ever trust him again. She's going to counseling on her own now, but hasn't written off couples counseling.

She asked me what I would do, and I told her that as much as I love my husband, I think we would have to divorce. Once that trust is violated, I don't know if it could ever be recovered. I told her that she must do what is best for her and that I'd support her either way. 

What would you do?


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## ET1 SS (Oct 22, 2005)

That is a very difficult thing to decide.

I have been tempted with this many times. 

We have close friends, who are now going through this. It is hard on everyone near them.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

I'd not get caught up in the middle of their problems without being paid to hear *both* sides.


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## SLADE (Feb 20, 2004)

Bearfootfarm said:


> I'd not get caught up in the middle of their problems without being paid to hear *both* sides.


Yes. It would involve compassion.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

SRSLADE said:


> Yes. It would involve compassion.


I wholeheartedly agree. Thank you.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

SRSLADE said:


> Yes. It would involve compassion.


One can have compassion and still want to know all the facts before getting involved.
Hand wringing accomplishes nothing.
You seem ready to choose sides without knowing anything at all.


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## doozie (May 21, 2005)

Sounds like he is a serial cheater, and of course he want to stay married, probably doesn't want to lose half of the accumulated wealth.
If I understand your description, he involved his own children in this deception, how low and horrible!
I know what I'd do, but I would just be there for her as a sounding board and keep my personal thoughts to myself. It would be hard...


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## SLADE (Feb 20, 2004)

Bearfootfarm said:


> One can have compassion and still want to know all the facts before getting involved.
> Hand wringing accomplishes nothing.
> You seem ready to choose sides without knowing anything at all.


Having compassion is not being a judge.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

SRSLADE said:


> Having compassion is not being a judge.


The question in the OP wasn't "Do you feel sorry for her?"


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Looks like he wants what he wants and is not willing to change his behaviour. I bet he is abusive as well.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

doozie said:


> Sounds like he is a serial cheater


Maybe it's an addiction or a mental illness.
Or maybe he can't get what he needs at home.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

painterswife said:


> Looks like he wants what he wants and is not willing to change his behaviour. I bet he is abusive as well.


I'm hoping her counseling points out that he _was_ abusing her, in the past she'd just say, "he's my best friend and I love him" or figure out something _she'd_ done to make him say that.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

That is the basis of the abuse. Making someone think it is their fault to hide the cheating and other crap.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

painterswife said:


> I bet he is abusive as well.


Maybe she's the abusive one.
You also seem willing to choose sides and make insinuations without really knowing anything but some one-sided gossip.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Bearfootfarm said:


> Maybe she's the abusive one.
> You also seem willing to choose sides and make insinuations without really knowing anything but some one-sided gossip.


Maybe she is. Maybe she has a really ugly personality and deserves what she gets. I am however discussing what has been presented.


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## CKelly78z (Jul 16, 2017)

This guy sounds like he was only sorry that he got caught, not necessarily sorry about the indiscretions...and using the kids in his scheme is unfathomable. I would have her meet with a lawyer while continuing to go through counseling to keep her options open. I'm not sure he could say anything that would make it right, only actions, and time.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

painterswife said:


> I am however discussing what has been presented.


Nothing about abuse was presented.
You're the one who first used the word.



painterswife said:


> Maybe she has a really ugly personality and deserves what she gets.


Maybe you're correct about that.

Reality though is it's all still speculation.
I don't expect that pattern to change, so I'll leave you all to your fantasies.

There's no reason for me to continue here.
I've seen this show before.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Bearfootfarm said:


> Nothing about abuse was presented.
> You're the one who first used the word.
> 
> 
> ...


It is a discussion. I offered discussion. You are the one discussing me and my posts. I won't miss that.


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## ticndig (Sep 7, 2014)

regardless of the situation the trust is gone and life is too short . time to move on.


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

I don't think one can know what's in the heart of another and it's impossible to ascertain that anyone is abusive or not from the scant details provided. 

As a friend, the best support one can offer is listening and responding by offering to support whatever decision they make but certainly not influencing another person's decision. The closest I would come to offering any kind of helpful advice would be to suggest couselling and from there I would refrain from airing my friend's laundry anyplace else.


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## hiddensprings (Aug 6, 2009)

I'm sorry your friend is going through this. How terrible for her to discover this especially because it sounds like he has been doing it for 25 years. You asked what I would do......if I was in her situation, I'd be in a attorney's office Monday morning getting my divorce paperwork filed. If the situation was one woman and that was the only affair, I might consider marriage counseling. Multiple women over 25 years....yeah, he's not going to change IMO so bye-bye and I'm taking it ALL.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

I think discussing can be helpful. No identifying information was shared. I would be against that. You never know what insight can be gathered.

I can't tell from the info if abuse happened. I however do have experience with my friends and family members to know that it happens more often than not in these situations. People manipulate their spouses and abuse them to cover up their own sins.


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## doozie (May 21, 2005)

Bearfootfarm said:


> Maybe it's an addiction or a mental illness.
> Or maybe he can't get what he needs at home.


Well sure, maybe there are underlying problems, or maybe he's just been a real piece of work for the last 25 years. 

Either way, I'd still try and just listen to my friend as she works her way through it.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Tell her to make him wrap it if there are intimate. Better yet get some tests.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

Is a marriage all about sex ?


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

AmericanStand said:


> Is a marriage all about sex ?


I expect it is more about trust and the parameters of that trust to most.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

So is marriage all about the sex or not?


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

Trust ?
The guy has been coming home to the same house and paying the bills for 25 years that sounds pretty trustworthy to me


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

AmericanStand said:


> So is marriage all about the sex or not?


Those in the marriage decide that.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

AmericanStand said:


> Trust ?
> The guy has been coming home to the same house and paying the bills for 25 years that sounds pretty trustworthy to me


Really, having affairs and lying about it is trustworthy? Using the children to further those lies is trustworthy?


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## Elevenpoint (Nov 17, 2009)

AmericanStand said:


> So is marriage all about the sex or not?


Could be an open marriage, swingers, or maybe hot wife gig. So not necessarily.


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

painterswife said:


> I think discussing can be helpful. No identifying information was shared. I would be against that. You never know what incite can be gathered.
> 
> I can't tell from the info if abuse happened. I however do have experience with my friends and family members to know that it happens more often than not in these situations. People manipulate their spouses and abuse them to cover up their own sins.


You may be correct. I've always been of the opinion that counsellors have greater skill at counselling and friends offer coffee and a strong shoulder. 

I've seen too many people offer helpful advise and insight into other people's marriages and when the dust settled, lonely person is the one offering insight and helpful advice. 

I probably know as much about spousal abuse as any other lay person that's lived through it but I've found it's unwise to make assumptions about someone else's relationship. My experiences are my own and if one assumes that most men are abusive, we are grossly unfair to those men who've endured spousal abuse.


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## ET1 SS (Oct 22, 2005)

AmericanStand said:


> So is marriage all about the sex or not?


It certainly could be.

Marriage without sex is horrible.

When I read stories like this, I find it difficult for me to be objective. I put it into the context of my own marriage. My wife suffered a spinal injury the year when we were both 24, as my wife went through her health journey, she decided it was best for her to remain celibate. She has stated many times that she does not see any responsibility on her part for my sexuality, only that she does not want to ever know about what I do for my sexual needs.

So when I read a story like the OP, where my mind goes is to ask how many decades has it been since she has allowed sex?

Other posters are assuming that the husband has been abusive. I did not see anything in the OP that led to anyone assuming he was abusive.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

painterswife said:


> Tell her to make him wrap it if there are intimate. Better yet get some tests.


We talked about STDs, and she has an app't to be tested. What a mess...


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

wr said:


> You may be correct. I've always been of the opinion that counsellors have greater skill at counselling and friends offer coffee and a strong shoulder.
> 
> I've seen too many people offer helpful advise and insight into other people's marriages and when the dust settled, lonely person is the one offering insight and helpful advice.
> 
> I probably know as much about spousal abuse as any other lay person that's lived through it but I've found it's unwise to make assumptions about someone else's relationship. My experiences are my own and if one assumes that most men are abusive, we are grossly unfair to those men who've endured spousal abuse.


I did not assume that most men are abusive. Then again most men don't have multiple affairs and use their children to facilitate them. I offered an opinion based on just this situation as explained to us. It is up to the OP to weigh whatever posters offer in response to her questions.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

ET1 SS said:


> It certainly could be.
> 
> Marriage without sex is horrible.
> 
> ...


I couldn't do what you did/do. Sex is an important part of my marriage.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

elevenpoint said:


> Could be an open marriage, swingers, or maybe hot wife gig. So not necessarily.


In this case, at least for my friend, it was not an open marriage.


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## ET1 SS (Oct 22, 2005)

Irish Pixie said:


> ... Sex is an important part of my marriage.


I agree.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

I would also like to note. Abuse can be metal or physical. I would lean towards metal in this situation from my history with others.


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## Elevenpoint (Nov 17, 2009)

Irish Pixie said:


> In this case, at least for my friend, it was not an open marriage.


No trust, I'm gone.


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## HDRider (Jul 21, 2011)

You made this whole thing up


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## wdcutrsdaughter (Dec 9, 2012)

I think with the trust gone, it's very hard to rebuild and it will never be fully rebuilt. I have been cheated on when I was dating, and it was very hard to trust the person afterwards. In a marriage I would imagine it would be devastating. It would ruin it for me.



elevenpoint said:


> Could be an open marriage, swingers, or maybe hot wife gig. So not necessarily.


What is a hot wife gig?


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## wdcutrsdaughter (Dec 9, 2012)

HDRider said:


> You made this whole thing up


Thank you for always making me giggle a little.


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## Elevenpoint (Nov 17, 2009)

wdcutrsdaughter said:


> I think with the trust gone, it's very hard to rebuild and it will never be fully rebuilt. I have been cheated on when I was dating, and it was very hard to trust the person afterwards. In a marriage I would imagine it would be devastating. It would ruin it for me.
> 
> 
> 
> What is a hot wife gig?


Husband likes his wife having sex with other men.


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## wdcutrsdaughter (Dec 9, 2012)

elevenpoint said:


> Husband likes his wife having sex with other men.


oooooo exciting. learn something new every day.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

HDRider said:


> You made this whole thing up


It's as made up as your bike.


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

There is more to a marriage than sex. The issue is trust, not sex. How is the fellow as a husband other than his "extra"??? I know/knew a couple of fellows who were ready to take anything offered, but were good husbands otherwise and their wives stayed right with them. Both were devoted to their wives, but took every other opportunity offered. I never understood it, but perhaps the wives preferred not to be bothered with sex. It was not my business, I did not ask and nobody volunteered information as to the "why".


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## gleepish (Mar 10, 2003)

wr said:


> I don't think one can know what's in the heart of another and it's impossible to ascertain that anyone is abusive or not from the scant details provided.
> 
> As a friend, the best support one can offer is listening and responding by offering to support whatever decision they make but certainly not influencing another person's decision. The closest I would come to offering any kind of helpful advice would be to suggest couselling....


I agree with you. The only people who know what's going on in a relationship between two people are the two people involved. 

I've known people who on the outside you'd have expected them to show up on an episode of COPS, but in reality were really loving people. I've also known couples who seemed to have it all together and the perfect relationship, but behind closed doors were the meanest, ugliest people around. 

If it were my husband? I'd go to counseling. If he is stepping out, there's a reason--not a fault, but a reason. If it's something that we could work on or change I think I'd be willing to at least attempt to fix it than I would be to walk away.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

gleepish said:


> I agree with you. The only people who know what's going on in a relationship between two people are the two people involved.
> 
> I've known people who on the outside you'd have expected them to show up on an episode of COPS, but in reality were really loving people. I've also known couples who seemed to have it all together and the perfect relationship, but behind closed doors were the meanest, ugliest people around.
> 
> If it were my husband? I'd go to counseling. If he is stepping out, there's a reason--not a fault, but a reason. If it's something that we could work on or change I think I'd be willing to at least attempt to fix it than I would be to walk away.


Your post is exactly the kind of advise that would be helpful. There is a reason and each individual should decide if that reason can be worked on. That in itself made this thread worthwhile.


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## light rain (Jan 14, 2013)

painterswife said:


> Tell her to make him wrap it if there are intimate. Better yet get some tests.


BOTH!


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## light rain (Jan 14, 2013)

Oxankle said:


> There is more to a marriage than sex. The issue is trust, not sex. How is the fellow as a husband other than his "extra"??? I know/knew a couple of fellows who were ready to take anything offered, but were good husbands otherwise and their wives stayed right with them. Both were devoted to their wives, but took every other opportunity offered. I never understood it, but perhaps the wives preferred not to be bothered with sex. It was not my business, I did not ask and nobody volunteered information as to the "why".


That's how a trusting spouse finds out they have an uncurable disease and how children find out from friends that one of their parents is a liar and can't be trusted...


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

I just want to thank those that don't rag on me for my tablet autocorrect. I just saw that it put incite instead of insight.  You get me and I appreciate that. I had an co-worker years ago like that. She knew what I meant even when my word choice was wonky.

Actually it put invite instead of incite this time. I can't win.


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## light rain (Jan 14, 2013)

If she knew for 25 years that her husband has been cheating, with multiple people, what is the reason to get upset now? And why involve you at this point! IP? She better check all financial joint holdings...


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## HDRider (Jul 21, 2011)

Irish Pixie said:


> It's as made up as your bike.


It might seem like a fantasy to you.


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## ET1 SS (Oct 22, 2005)

Oxankle said:


> ... I know/knew a couple of fellows who were ready to take anything offered, but were good husbands otherwise and their wives stayed right with them. Both were devoted to their wives, but took every other opportunity offered. I never understood it, but perhaps the wives preferred not to be bothered with sex.


There are a lot of women who simply prefer to not be bothered with sex. After a number of years of couples counseling that I attended alone, I learned this from seeing many other couples. In my case, my wife is an excellent business partner.

Whenever I talk to my wife about it, she says that in her mind we just had sex the other day [referring to 1985] and that she fully intends to have sex again some day. She keeps promising that she will allow sex someday, so I am still here for her.

If anyone came along in the mean time, offering it, I am not certain I could resist.


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

ET1 SS said:


> Marriage without sex is horrible.


I think that depends on the age and history of the couple. Certainly sex is an important part of marriage in younger couples. But when people (particularly men) get older, things tend to not function as well as they once did. 

As a friend, the best you can do is offer her a shoulder to cry on and moral support. Of course she is devastated now, but you don't know how she will feel in the future. They may try to make it work again, she may not be able to get past his cheating. They have a lot more issues to work through than just sex. 

I hope he didn't give her any diseases.


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

My first wife cheated on me once - that was enough - I divorced her.


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

LOL; It is amusing to see how people view sex. As I said, the issue is trust, not sex. In some European countries (think France, where the wife and mistress both walked in the funeral procession.) sex is the less important part of marriage.

I confess to ignorance on the subject of extramarital or mariital-no-sex. A one-woman man knows little of how women in general feel on that subject, but he knows very well how his own feels. 

I can say this: Any man who works with the public and is not butt-ugly stupid will be approached by women who want him. Some men give in just as some women are seduced. The two fellows I referred to earlier were willing giver-uppers. If they had been women we'd say they were "easy".


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## [email protected] (Sep 16, 2009)

my first thought was, how did he get caught ?
He must have wanted to.
I would stay as far away from the situation as I could.
let her go to a counceller and stay away until they have something worked out..and then think twice before getting involved again,.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

HDRider said:


> It might seem like a fantasy to you.


I bet you can show a picture of your bike.


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## anniew (Dec 12, 2002)

a made for tv drama...why get involved...one or the other of the couple will think you are interfering by taking sides.


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

Irish Pixie said:


> A long time friend recently told me that she'd caught her husband of 25+ years cheating. It turns out it was many women over the entire course of their marriage. He was out of town on business a lot and even when in town he'd use their kids (when they were young) as an excuse to meet with them. He has sworn up and down he'll never do it again.
> 
> She was blindsided, never saw it coming, and is blaming herself for being naive and trusting. She told him to move out, and he has, but he wants counseling and to remain married. She just isn't sure what she wants to do, and doesn't feel she can ever trust him again. She's going to counseling on her own now, but hasn't written off couples counseling.
> 
> ...


I've known several men that were horn dogs all their life. Maybe one finally changed. The rest during the time I knew them never did no matter what they told their wives.


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## ET1 SS (Oct 22, 2005)

Danaus29 said:


> I think that depends on the age and history of the couple. Certainly sex is an important part of marriage in younger couples. But when people (particularly men) get older, things tend to not function as well as they once did.


Hold on there.

When I was 55, I got prostate cancer, they found that my flavor of cancer is extremely aggressive, so when they removed my prostate they also removed the nerve bundle it was connected to. I no longer have the connection between my brain and the 'flood erectile tissues with blood' function. Viagara does nothing, as needs some of those tissues to still be present before it can work. They gave me a prescription for an injection
of 'Trimix' [mixture of alprostadil, papaverine and phentolamine] that will cause a 5-hour erection, anytime I want one. So you can no longer say that men's parts won't function when they get old.

That simply is not true.


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

ET1 SS said:


> There are a lot of women who simply prefer to not be bothered with sex. After a number of years of couples counseling that I attended alone, I learned this from seeing many other couples. In my case, my wife is an excellent business partner.
> 
> Whenever I talk to my wife about it, she says that in her mind we just had sex the other day [referring to 1985] and that she fully intends to have sex again some day. She keeps promising that she will allow sex someday, so I am still here for her.
> 
> If anyone came along in the mean time, offering it, I am not certain I could resist.


I worked with a guy in a similar situation. His wife was simply not interested in sex and was perfectly fine with the idea that he was seeing other women to satisfy his needs, as long as he came home every night. 

The claimed to love each other very much but I often wonder what would happen to the dynamics of their relationship if one of them changed their mind.


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## kinderfeld (Jan 29, 2006)

Irish Pixie said:


> A long time friend recently told me that she'd caught her husband of 25+ years cheating. It turns out it was many women over the entire course of their marriage.


Damn....



Irish Pixie said:


> He was out of town on business a lot and even when in town he'd use their kids (when they were young) as an excuse to meet with them.


Ok...that's just low.



Irish Pixie said:


> He has sworn up and down he'll never do it again.


Yeah, sure. A 25 year habit can be hard to break.



Irish Pixie said:


> She was blindsided, never saw it coming, and is* blaming herself for being naive and trusting*. She told him to move out, and he has, but he wants counseling and to remain married. She just isn't sure what she wants to do, and doesn't feel she can ever trust him again. She's going to counseling on her own now, but hasn't written off couples counseling.


It's understandable that she feels this way, but hindsight is twenty-twenty. She should remember...he married her under the false pretense that he was trustworthy and faithful.



Irish Pixie said:


> She asked me what I would do, and I told her that as much as I love my husband, I think we would have to divorce. Once that trust is violated, I don't know if it could ever be recovered. I told her that she must do what is best for her and that I'd support her either way.
> 
> What would you do?


A second chance is just that. A second chance. If I stayed with someone like that, I know I'd never be able to trust them. So I really wouldn't be giving them much of a chance. Not fair to them if I agreed to. Not fair to me to live with someone that I knew I couldn't trust. The stress, the worry. Life's too short. Just this guy's two cents.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

painterswife said:


> Then again most men don't have multiple affairs and use their children to facilitate them


 I’d hope not but you state this as fact, how do you know ?


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

As a young man it seemed like the urge to seduce every wiggle was a huge inconvenience.
At about 19 while working with my grandpa who was 84 or so I asked when you lost interest in the opposite sex. 
He stopped working (he was always working) got a funny look on his face and after a bit of thought replied “beats me you’re gonna have to ask someone that’s old”


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

Irish Pixie said:


> A long time friend recently told me
> 
> even when in town he'd use their kids (when they were young)
> 
> What would you do?


 Ding ding ding fishy smell alert!


That’s a strong hint that she knew when the kids were young and has waited till now to do something


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

painterswife said:


> Looks like he wants what he wants and is not willing to change his behaviour. I bet he is abusive as well.


Can’t you say the exact same thing about her ?


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

painterswife said:


> Those in the marriage decide that.


Ok but what’s your answer ?


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

light rain said:


> If she knew for 25 years that her husband has been cheating, with multiple people, what is the reason to get upset now? And why involve you at this point! IP? She better check all financial joint holdings...


He confessed to 25 years (basically their entire marriage), she just found out when she confronted him recently.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

painterswife said:


> Really, having affairs and lying about it is trustworthy? Using the children to further those lies is trustworthy?


I don’t expect perfection in all things , that man has been here and will return when he is ready.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

AmericanStand said:


> Is a marriage all about sex ?


It seems to be in many cases.


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## ET1 SS (Oct 22, 2005)

wr said:


> I worked with a guy in a similar situation. His wife was simply not interested in sex and was perfectly fine with the idea that he was seeing other women to satisfy his needs, as long as he came home every night.
> 
> The claimed to love each other very much but I often wonder what would happen to the dynamics of their relationship if one of them changed their mind.


In 1980 we simply did not have the vocabulary to describe or define sexuality.

Today we have a much better vocabulary.

My wife is 'asexual', she has no interest in sex.

I am 'demisexual', I need a strong emotional bond with a woman before I can be aroused.

While I desire sex a lot, trial and error have shown me that I can not do a one-night-stand.


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## [email protected] (Sep 16, 2009)

I hope "a friend" doesn't mean "I" ..


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## wdcutrsdaughter (Dec 9, 2012)

ET1 SS said:


> In 1980 we simply did not have the vocabulary to describe or define sexuality.
> 
> Today we have a much better vocabulary.
> 
> ...



Thank you for being so transparent, it allows others to learn.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

Sex in a marriage is great but I wouldn’t leave my wife if she couldn’t and perhaps a wife shouldn’t leave a man because he does?


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

> painterswife said: ↑
> Really, having affairs and lying about it is trustworthy? Using the children to further those lies is trustworthy?


So you're saying it's wrong to lie, and those who do it a lot aren't "trustworthy"?


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

ET1 SS said:


> Marriage without sex is horrible.


You get to a certain age or physical condition and find there's a whole lot more to marriage than sex and no its not horrible as long as both people are OK without it.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

But the key to that is Both.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

That is the key. Both people agree to the situation, whatever that situation is. If the situation is not something you can live with then you leave the situation.


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## Alder (Aug 18, 2014)

First? Get tested for STD's.

Second? Order a castrator from Valley Vet.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Alder said:


> First? Get tested for STD's.
> 
> Second? Order a castrator from Valley Vet.


LOL


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## Alder (Aug 18, 2014)

painterswife said:


> LOL


If you think I'm joking, you don't know me.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

wr said:


> I would refrain from airing my friend's laundry anyplace else.


A real "friend" wouldn't be doing that anyway.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

Bearfootfarm said:


> Or maybe he can't get what he needs at home.


Care to elaborate on this?


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

A real friend is there in the bad times for their friends. No one was identified. No name, no personal details. Just a friend getting ideas about how to interact with a friend that asked for help. If you could connect what she shared with someone in real life you might be right. You can't and you are not.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

Irish Pixie said:


> Care to elaborate on this?


It's pretty much self explanatory.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

painterswife said:


> No one was identified. No name, no personal details.


So there are no confirmed details.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

Bearfootfarm said:


> It's pretty much self explanatory.


Thank you for your response, the insight is appreciated.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

It’s not just the sex for men often it’s the ability 
Kinda like catch and release


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

Irish Pixie said:


> Thank you for your response, the insight is appreciated.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

Repeating it doesn't change the meaning.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

Irish Pixie said:


> Repeating it doesn't change the meaning.


Exactly.
I knew you understood.



> Irish Pixie said: ↑
> Care to elaborate on this?


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## Witch's Broom (Dec 23, 2017)

Irish Pixie said:


> A long time friend recently told me that she'd caught her husband of 25+ years cheating. It turns out it was many women over the entire course of their marriage. He was out of town on business a lot and even when in town he'd use their kids (when they were young) as an excuse to meet with them. He has sworn up and down he'll never do it again.
> 
> She was blindsided, never saw it coming, and is blaming herself for being naive and trusting. She told him to move out, and he has, but he wants counseling and to remain married. She just isn't sure what she wants to do, and doesn't feel she can ever trust him again. She's going to counseling on her own now, but hasn't written off couples counseling.
> 
> ...


Trust, is, and always has been everything to me, no trust, no relationship, the end.


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

ET1 SS said:


> So you can no longer say that men's parts won't function when they get old.
> 
> That simply is not true.


That is not what I said at all. I said "things tend to not function as well as they once did". 

I am glad doctors have found a solution to the prostate cancer side effect. A few men I know were very unhappy at losing that ability.


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

AmericanStand said:


> But the key to that is Both.


Correct, thats why I used the word.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

Lol yes I figured you did that on purpose .
But it’s such a tiny itsy-bitsy word it’s easy for others to miss


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## lmrose (Sep 24, 2009)

We recently were caught in the middle of a similar situation with both parties looking for support for their position. We advised them to go to counseling which they did and decided to divorce. Three weeks later they reconciled and took a trip together! One thing we learned the hard way from another experience that happened long ago where we gave requested advice and got blamed for a breakup; we have learned not to have an opinion about other folks marriage problems or any family problems. Only the ones involved really know what is happening. I agree with those who say not to influence someone else decisions but help them through whatever choice they make.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

lmrose said:


> Only the ones involved really know what is happening.


And it's seldom they will both tell the same version of events.
Sheldon Cooper knows the correct response:


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## MichaelZ (May 21, 2013)

Given 25 years of cheating, without some profound transformation brought about by a spiritual rebirth, there would be no reason to think things would get much better. But with that transformation, I have heard of so many similar cases that ended well.


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

lmrose said:


> We recently were caught in the middle of a similar situation with both parties looking for support for their position. We advised them to go to counseling which they did and decided to divorce. Three weeks later they reconciled and took a trip together! One thing we learned the hard way from another experience that happened long ago where we gave requested advice and got blamed for a breakup; we have learned not to have an opinion about other folks marriage problems or any family problems. Only the ones involved really know what is happening. I agree with those who say not to influence someone else decisions but help them through whatever choice they make.


I was just thinking the same thing - any "advice" you give can end up back firing on you. 

You are only hearing one side of the story - the husband's story may be very different, or very much the same, but it really doesn't matter. You can "be there" for your friend, offer a shoulder to cry on or somebody to talk to - but it's best not to give advice on what she should do. That is totally HER decision, and she will have to make it herself.

Guiding her to divorce - can easily backfire, when she gets back together and discusses how you thought she should divorce.
Guding her to stay in the marriage - can easily backfire, when 5 years from now - she is miserable and wonders why you advised her.


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## Elevenpoint (Nov 17, 2009)

Bottom line, never advise others on affairs of the heart.
Never.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

I read some where that brushing and flossing regularly is good for your teeth... I also read that minding ones own business works much the same!


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

My friend (of 30 years) freely told me of her marriage woes, we discussed the important issues of health and blood tests, and financial issues. She asked what I thought of different things, and what I would do in the situation. I didn't steer, guide, push, etc. her in any direction. But I'll sure be there as her friend no matter what decision she makes. That's what friends do.


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## gleepish (Mar 10, 2003)

Irish Pixie said:


> My friend (of 30 years) freely told me of her marriage woes, we discussed the important issues of health and blood tests, and financial issues. She asked what I thought of different things, and what I would do in the situation. I didn't steer, guide, push, etc. her in any direction. But I'll sure be there as her friend no matter what decision she makes. That's what friends do.


That is what friends do!


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## HDRider (Jul 21, 2011)

Hey, I have a question, just asking for a friend.


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## Irish Pixie (May 14, 2002)

HDRider said:


> Hey, I have a question, just asking for a friend.


If you start a thread about it, and they will answer.


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

I can only say what I would do and that has come from previous experience. Stay out of it.

Your friend should seek professional counselling and legal advice.

If she does separate/divorce her husband then you can help her to redesign her life. But the decision is hers and she has to act on it. What you would do may seem clear to you but each person is different and operates under different motivations. Some of them completely mind boggling.


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## HDRider (Jul 21, 2011)

Irish Pixie said:


> If you start a thread about it, and they will answer.


Right. You speak from experience.


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## broncocasey (Nov 7, 2011)

Always two sides to every story. If he’s taken good care of the family for 25 years they should go to a councilor


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## Wanda (Dec 19, 2002)

If you were there to listen to her problems that is the best thing you can do for a friend. Once that happens she will be able to think more clearly. That is a very big step on her part. Brooding over things with no outlet can turn out very bad for all people involved in the situation.


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## Seth (Dec 3, 2012)

Coming from a family where my dad stepped out a few times, I've seen what a ripple effect it has, mom and dad are still together and miserable for it. Their choice. They never did counseling, just patched up and rolled on. A friend and his wife went through it 20 years ago she was running around, and they have fixed it and are happy. My first wife did it and we didn't last, although I did not know about it until after she left. She wanted to get back together, but I knew that I could never trust in her again. I guess what I'm saying is that there's different strokes for different folks. 

As for what I think you should do, take some extra time for your friend, my response to the situation was to isolate myself and get depressed, looking back now I realize that any little thing that someone did to show me kindness was instrumental in my mental state. A ten minute visit is a godsend. Seth


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## Miss Kay (Mar 31, 2012)

ET1, wow, not what you bargained for. I'm glad the doctor found a solution to your problem but I guess it doesn't matter if your wife is not interested. But, there are lots of different issues that men can have as they age and there are not always pills that can fix it. I could in theory have sex with anyone but I could never love or enjoy another man the way I do mine. And that's all I'm going to say about that!


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## Cornhusker (Mar 20, 2003)

In my lowly opinion...once the trust is gone, it's gone.
If you don't trust someone, do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering where he or she is when they aren't home?
Are they really working late?
Are they really visiting a sick friend?
Do you want to feel the need to lock up your cash and valuables?
It's a horrible way to live, better a clean break than a lifetime of worrying.


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