# What is a reasonable time ...



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

after the breakup of a relationship to date others?

I went on a date about 9 months after my husband left me and I actually felt as if I was cheating on him. It was extremely weird ( I had been married 30 years) In contrast my ex has been living with her at our old house and hers since I left.

I can understand wanting to be with another so soon...the loneliness is at times gut wrenching but for me it would be like putting a band-aid over a gaping wound....and using another to fill my void. I don't think that is healthy.

I need to already be filled in order to give and I need the time to get my bearings in order to do that. 

I don't think my ex is capable of being alone, as much as he has beat on his chest and spouted off about being his own person at this time in his life he seems to be very dependent on her.

So what are your thoughts?


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## Guest (Dec 8, 2012)

Apparently 30 seconds, because everybody else will congratulate you on "moving on"


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

I don't think there's a set time. If you're not comfortable dating, you should wait.


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

I think Zong is being extremely conservative with his estimate


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

I think when you have detached enough from the previous relationship to enjoy the company of another person.


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Unfortunately many detach while still married.... and rather than turn towards their partner they turn away from the marriage....at least that is what happened in my case.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

roadless said:


> Unfortunately many detach while still married.... and rather than turn towards their partner they turn away from the marriage....at least that is what happened in my case.


You need to stop focusing on the X and his issues and work toward your detachment and recovery. He's GONE. Let him GO. Release him and release yourself from the chains you are keeping on yourself.

Get out of your own head for awhile, go have fun doing things you enjoy you were not able to do before.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

LUV IT Zong.

man Im glad onna us did post something like that LOL.

NOW,

I think it all depends on the situation.
After my preacher died along around about 6 mos or so, a guy in church asked me if I thought it would be proper to ask his wife , the preachers, out. I knew that many in our small town of 160 or so didnt like her, and that if he dated her then, they would construe it that she had flopped the dawgs (shes in her 60s) they aint puppies anymore, at him and got him to ask her out. It would make them both look bad. Since she had been married many times before, that wouldnt help. I told him that he had no worries with me, but I thought that he should wait a year to give the town the idea of a proper space and distance in time from the time he died till the time she went out,
Its been a little over a year. I notice hes getting friendlier with her all the time.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

I would think when a person felt comfortable enough to give their date 100% of their attention. 

Maybe you could start with a male friend with no strings just to go out with to eat or what ever.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Hugs to you roadless.

[YOUTUBE]y2SfmcNg8js[/YOUTUBE]


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Laura said:


> You need to stop focusing on the X and his issues and work toward your detachment and recovery. He's GONE. Let him GO. Release him and release yourself from the chains you are keeping on yourself.
> 
> Get out of your own head for awhile, go have fun doing things you enjoy you were not able to do before.



Thank you Laura and I do think I am making strides....slowly according to some but it takes what it takes. I am actively shifting my perceptions which is helping ( for example rather than focusing on missing my ex, home ,yard and truck ....I am thinking I am free to date anyone I choose if I choose ... no high mortgage payments, no upkeep, no cleaning three bathrooms, no shoveling, no expensive truck payments....etc There was a time I was unable to do something as simple as this ....so I am making progress) 

I was invited to a gathering tonight and really didn't want to go. But you are right maybe it is time to go have some fun......:banana: and dance ( thanks tambo!)


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## Guest (Dec 8, 2012)

Just my own two cents. .
The end of a marriage is a kind of death.. Until people take the time to process grief, they cannot offer 100 percent in another relationship .


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## Tiempo (May 22, 2008)

What anyone else considers enough time is irrelevant.

You are ready when YOU feel ready.

I met my husband a week after I kicked my ex out...it wasn't a rebound relationship, I had no feelings of affection left whatsoever by the time I left the ex and I just happened to meet someone quickly. I had planned to be alone for a while, it just didn't work out that way.

My husband is the love of my life, was I supposed to pass that up because it was 'too soon'? Heck no!


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Laura said:


> You need to stop focusing on the X and his issues and work toward your detachment and recovery. He's GONE. Let him GO. Release him and release yourself from the chains you are keeping on yourself.
> 
> Get out of your own head for awhile, go have fun doing things you enjoy you were not able to do before.


I agree! When I think of your question, I try to imagine what I'd tell my DD if she asked!

I'd tell her to follow her instincts and also to work on her personal growth (healing). One step at a time. One day at a time.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I think U right Lesley


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Go dance! :nanner: Start dating yourself, be a fun date for yourself. Meet new people. Then you can add somebody else to your dates.


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## starjj (May 2, 2005)

Yes 30 seconds because 15 seconds is not enough and 45 seconds is too long because your sheets are cold already.

Seriously give yourself grieving time. Too many jump in and the next person gets the unhappy results.


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## Ramblin Wreck (Jun 10, 2005)

What Laura said, all of it.

Just one additional piece of advice: Most of us dwell on errors we commit. There are at least as many errors of "omission", things we should have taken a chance on doing but didn't.

Best wishes at building a happy life for you.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Sounds like all good advice.

I tried dating myself since Im not having any luck with women. The last 2 that responded to my machinery post were married. I asked myself out for a date. I even turned me down lol


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

You know I was widowed for 12 years and when I posted about meeting my DH and getting married, I caught some grief for it being "too soon" to marry after we met. We were married right about 6 months after we met. We are still married and we hate to be away from each other.

I think that sometimes the "love" took a hike a long, long time before the parties separate. I have seen people stay together who couldn't stand to be in the same room/house but stayed together "for the kids". Soon as the kids hit 18, the couple was in our office getting those papers filed. I have seen people who were separated for years finally drag in and file.

I have also seen couples where one does something so horrendous that the well of love dries up pretty much instantly and there would never be any going back.

Just how long a person is supposed to stay "alone" is that person's business. Not everyone mourns the "death" of a relationship, why some think the "death" is the best thing that could ever happen and are so happy and relieved to be out, they are doing a tap dance while the Judge is signing the papers.

Every relationship and every couple is different. There is no set time for dating again after a break up. I will say that in the case of the death of a spouse, it appears that more people do mourn a while. On the other hand, I did hear one gal say she thought it would never happen..but the old goat beat the snot out of her every chance he got, so I reckon she is dancing on his grave every chance she gets. 

Just cause you want to wait X amount of time does not mean everyone else should.


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## rancher1913 (Dec 5, 2008)

For everyone it is different. I knew before I even divorced (I filed), that i wanted to be married again. I just didn't want to make the same mistakes. I have seen other people flip right back into a relationship with a person exactly like the one they just left.

I spent a year doing a lot of reflection about what my part in the breakup of our marriage was. It's easy to blame it all on the other person, but that's not being truthful with yourself. After a year, I dated some nice men...but they weren't the one.

When I met rancher, I had pretty clear standards of what I wanted and what were dealbreakers. I'd like to say I was all intellectual about it, but the truth is he swept me off my feet! My head got to know him online, but once I heard his voice.... and then saw him - I was just gone!! It's been almost 4 years since we met and I"m still over the moon for him.

Moldy


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Sounds like good advice from the both of you


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

hi roadless!

everyone has great advice, and I would like to add that "date" doesn't have to mean "interviewing for a LTR" just float and make friends. 

For myself I am really clear that I am "exploring friendship"--I think it's fair to say up front. On the other hand like I've said before I found that thing of "I'm just having fun making friends and no strings/expectations" is like man-nip somehow...and they seem to relax and be more themselves instead of trying to impress and present a package. On the other other hand those kind of people I can sniff out anyway and I'm not into that.

Groups of friends is really fun. 

Of course a LTR with the right person is a precious thing. It's not like that is not an option, if the right person comes along then yeah baby! though I am WAY more cautious in learning to trust someone in that manner now.


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## Marshloft (Mar 24, 2008)

After my first divorce, I waited 12 years before I could engage again.
My daughters mother moved in with her bf 30 days after our divorce, and I just couldn't do that to her. She needed security from one of us. She was only in the 2nd grade.
After being abused mentally and physically from my adopted mother and then having my then wife in an affair, I became a full fledged woman hater. 
And I had no problem letting it be known I hated all women. After several years of hating all women, I began to meet women that actually were very nice and not at all like I thought they were. Realizing that not all women were like my adopted mother and 1st wife was a paradigm shift for me.
So,, I guess it does depend mostly on when a person can get rid of the baggage that comes from being hurt in a relationship, before being able to give 100% to the next relationship.
GH


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Id say you were right Marsh


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

FarmboyBill said:


> Sounds like all good advice.
> 
> I tried dating myself since Im not having any luck with women. The last 2 that responded to my machinery post were married. I asked myself out for a date. I even turned me down lol


Ok Bill, I have to say that was a good one :rotfl:


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

I'll prolly get blasted for this but here goes...............

Date without purpose. What I mean is forget about finding "true love" and just date for fun. Don't worry about making an impression, "making" someone like you, whatever. Go out, dance, eat, have fun, have sex, (if that's what you need), fart in front of your date, and purposely leave that piece of spinach in your teeth.


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

*cough* um, I had fun with a pirate last night. Tangled my hands in his loooooong hair, he gnawed on my neck. oh. My. 

jah! waltz like a pirate yo ho!


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I couldnt do that. Dont blame the idea, just, its not for everybody. Ive got to have a purpose. Ive got to know that the somebody im talking to has some kind of apprication for something I appriciate. 
I wasnt always like that. Just, I guess, since around 92 thereabouts. Before that, I would have done as you suggest, and understood the concept absolutely. Not anymore.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

I am not sure there is a set time. We are all different and individuals and each come with our own issues and baggage. There is no one set way to say which is which and when is a good time and when it isn't. We each go through our own healing stages and some do it faster and shorter then others. Some move on to the next person without even a second thought and some grieve while in the next relationship, or even come into the next relationship still filled with anger and hurt. 

Life is a funny and precious thing all in one special package and who is say when our package gets opened up or put into the closet. 

It took me six years to finally get over my x husband and when I did it was because I saw him with his arms around another women. He was happy and I could tell by the way he carried himself. Really I only wanted him happy and when I knew he was then I felt finally free to move on. 

Ten years later I am still looking for someone who is similar to him, and when I climb into the truck I will know. Until then life has a funny way of putting you through lesson after lesson.


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## wildhorse (Oct 22, 2006)

I believe life answers this question.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

A parate huh. Did he threaten u with showing you his plank


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

I waited until the full 90 days between the filing and signing of my divorce decree before I started dating again so as not to jeopardize the processing of my freedom papers and our agreed community property agreement.

My first date out was with a woman who asked me if I wanted to go out the same week my ex left and I told her it would have to wait a 4 to 9 months as I filed my petition, got my ex to agree to the divorce and community property split and trial separation terms if she wanted and once we had those details hammered out there was the 90 day "wait on the judges desk in case we changed our minds" period.

Although I declined her offer I told her that I would contact her through a mutual friend when the petition had been signed by the x and I and was in judge desk wait to make sure she was still interested and if so she could expect a call from me in 90 days/

Three months later I enjoyed a nice Valentine's Day date and my ex got remarried.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

The day my divorce was final, is the day that my ex and his new welfare girlfriend conceived their baby


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Didja watch?? Did he tell ya??


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

Im not a voyeur Bill. And yes he told me, like I cared? :shrug:


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

tinknal said:


> I'll prolly get blasted for this but here goes...............
> 
> Date without purpose. What I mean is forget about finding "true love" and just date for fun. Don't worry about making an impression, "making" someone like you, whatever. Go out, dance, eat, have fun, have sex, (if that's what you need), fart in front of your date, and purposely leave that piece of spinach in your teeth.


This works as long as the other person is doing the same. When they aren't...it gets weird. 

What this does to though, I think, (I can comment on all but the sex part) is let you get comfortable going out with different people and actually get used to being yourself. Which sounds funny.

But, when you have an agenda...to find "the one" or "the next one" or to "make this work" or whatever...even though a person is mostly themselves or tries to be...lots of times you are not fully yourself.

After 38 years I'm just figuring this out and actually JUST put it all together this past weekend due to my experience this past wednesday and thursday.

The longer you know someone the more you are yourself. Granted, sometimes we get sucked into a life or being/doing things that might not have evolved without being who you are around...but in general, the more comfortable you are with someone the more you you are.

I noticed that even though I have known this man for 2 years, even though I have lived with him for a combined 6 months or so...it's just now...just this past week when I figured out that I am starting to be the rest of me when I am around him.

Sounds like a cop out probably, I dunno. But also I have been dating other people. Lunches mostly because I am a chicken. But I have found it quite liberating (if that is the proper word) to NOT have an agenda, to NOT have some sort of tick list..to JUST have lunch.

I did find out though, that many do have an agenda. Not all, but many. And that's okay too. I'm not sure how to gracefully deflect some of the unwanted attentions I am recieving..but..in my mistakes I am learning.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

You live with someone and are dating other people?


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

Shygal said:


> You live with someone and are dating other people?


You know what it's really none of our business what the arrangement is. The important thing, which I celebrate(high five body slam to ya Why) is that Why Not said "I am starting to be the rest of me". I will assume that is a good thing for all parties concerned.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

When someone posts about it on a public forum, they make it everyone elses business and also the right to ask things about it. Im sick of being told what I should or should not say on here, by people that consider that they have the right to say whatever THEY want.


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## billooo2 (Nov 23, 2004)

Shygal said:


> You live with someone and are dating other people?


I have a couple friends that have a member of the oppposite sex living under the same roof...........for various reasons......economic, help with the upkeep,etc. They are platonic relationships. They date other people.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

billooo2 said:


> I have a couple friends that have a member of the oppposite sex living under the same roof...........for various reasons......economic, help with the upkeep,etc. They are platonic relationships. They date other people.


Yes. And I've seen longtime roommates wake up 1 day to realize that they mean more to each other. Rare but it does happen.


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## billooo2 (Nov 23, 2004)

roadless said:


> after the breakup of a relationship to date others?
> 
> I went on a date about 9 months after my husband left me and I actually felt as if I was cheating on him. It was extremely weird ( I had been married 30 years) In contrast my ex has been living with her at our old house and hers since I left.
> 
> ...


Shortly after my second divorce someone said a couple "rules of thumb" for this question.......

1. When you no longer feel the NEED to be in a "relationship."

2. When you are comfortable, satisfied, and happy being single.

A book that I really found helpful was 'Finally Getting it Right" .....I believe the author's name was Richard Halpern (sp?)

NOTE TO SHREK......I do not have a single copy of this book for sale....before 
I get accused of using this forum to promote some 'non-existent' business.

One of his main points is that we need to find our 'path in life'......then we can look for someone who is following a similar path. He says that too often a lot of people think they want to find someone to go down the path with them.........only to find out that each of them really want very different paths in life.\

I was very lucky.....I got involved with a goup of singles that did some activity almost every weekend......from going dancing, or playing putt-putt golf....or going canoeing..... It sure helped with the loneliness.


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

Shygal said:


> When someone posts about it on a public forum, they make it everyone elses business and also the right to ask things about it. Im sick of being told what I should or should not say on here, by people that consider that they have the right to say whatever THEY want.


How about I put it this way--you're not being told what to say or not say, the village collective is trying to tell you your slip is showing, and you got a long wad of toilet paper stuck to your shoe to boot. It's a look you might not want to present publically, and it's simply a "notification" and you are free to choose what to do about it.


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## plowhand (Aug 14, 2005)

I think you at least should wait till you're divorced! In my community there has been a outbreak of seperations and divorces the last two years. I understand that folks don't want to be alone, but I think the could wait longer than 3 or 4 months to carry their new fling to church, sit across the aisle from their legal spouse, and act like two teenagers that are in heat!


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## Grizz (May 11, 2002)

When it feels rite to YOU!!!!!


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

Shygal said:


> You live with someone and are dating other people?


I have lived with him. I do not live with him now, he does take me for walks, out for dinner, helps me with my chickens and comes sees me in my motel room when I am in town though. Go ahead and run as far as you want with that one. 

Right now I live with three people, and if the deal goes through....about 10.  (no it's not a commune, just communal living)


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## Guest (Dec 9, 2012)

wyld thang said:


> How about I put it this way--you're not being told what to say or not say, the village collective is trying to tell you your slip is showing, and you got a long wad of toilet paper stuck to your shoe to boot. It's a look you might not want to present publically, and it's simply a "notification" and you are free to choose what to do about it.


I'm not a part of the "village collective"..nobody speaks for me..


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

bostonlesley said:


> I'm not a part of the "village collective"..nobody speaks for me..


As is your perogative. I was addressing the use of "they".


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## Tommyice (Dec 5, 2010)

bostonlesley said:


> I'm not a part of the "village collective"..nobody speaks for me..


It's just a certain neighborhood in the village, Lesley.

And Shy can (and usually does) say anything she wants. She doesn't need to please anyone (but herself) and certainly does need editorial approval. None of us do.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Dang we got wimmins hooking up within 30 secs, Wimmins who has Xs over for walks ect, Wimmins living with one and dateing others, Wimmins working 3 guys ect, 

AND YOU WONDER WHY IM THE WAY I AM. Im suddinly more proud of my existance and sex than ive been in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

FarmboyBill said:


> Dang we got wimmins hooking up within 30 secs, Wimmins who has Xs over for walks ect, Wimmins living with one and dateing others, Wimmins working 3 guys ect,
> 
> AND YOU WONDER WHY IM THE WAY I AM. * Im suddinly more proud of my *existance and *sex* than ive been in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time


I suspect you meant gender...


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## billooo2 (Nov 23, 2004)

FarmboyBill said:


> Dang we got wimmins hooking up within 30 secs, Wimmins who has Xs over for walks ect, Wimmins living with one and dateing others, Wimmins working 3 guys ect,
> 
> AND YOU WONDER WHY IM THE WAY I AM. Im suddinly more proud of my existance and sex than ive been in a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time


And who is being critical now?????


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

LOL U sound a bit jelious LOL


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

wyld thang said:


> How about I put it this way--you're not being told what to say or not say, the village collective is trying to tell you your slip is showing, and you got a long wad of toilet paper stuck to your shoe to boot. It's a look you might not want to present publically, and it's simply a "notification" and you are free to choose what to do about it.


Again, when someone posts something in public, it becomes something to comment on.

I really dont care if my slip is showing or I have toilet paper on my shoe, never have and never will.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

WhyNot said:


> I have lived with him. I do not live with him now, he does take me for walks, out for dinner, helps me with my chickens and comes sees me in my motel room when I am in town though. Go ahead and run as far as you want with that one.


Not interested in running with anything at all  , I asked a question to clear something up, because the way you said it sounded like you were.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

Shygal said:


> Not interested in running with anything at all


Probably not but there are people who would, that was mainly for them 



Shygal said:


> I asked a question to clear something up, because the way you said it sounded like you were.


Yeah it did. I've never had a problem with your questions. Course I have no guilt, no regret and nothing to hide, never have issues answering questions about things I post. Would rather have things cleared up if it's confusing or seems one way when it is another. If I didn't welcome questions about what I post, I wouldn't post it. Course that doesn't mean I will blab every detail either


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

And thats fine, it was just a bit confusing


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

WhyNot said:


> Course that doesn't mean I will blab every detail either


Oh, why not?!

Sorry, couldn't resist!


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## billooo2 (Nov 23, 2004)

FarmboyBill said:


> LOL U sound a bit jelious LOL


HUH????....:hysterical:


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

My grandma always said if you fall off that horse, jump back on to get it over your fear of falling...


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## 2horses (Jul 19, 2004)

When I was going through my divorce (ex's idea, not mine, and I was demolished), I had lunch with a dear friend of the opposite sex who was widowed. I remember asking him the question that had been haunting me for quite a while that day - "When did you start to feel single?" His answer? "When you do." It took me a while to get there, but I never really pushed it or worried about it after that, and then one day, I did. I felt single, free, and ready to move on. 

So while there may be some conventional wisdom in waiting a particular length of time in certain circumstances, I also think it is very much a singular, personal timeline that each one follows.


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

Different for each person, roadless. I was dating 6 wks after ex moved out, and about 6 wks before the divorce was final. Of course, our marriage had gone south a long time before and we were just going through the motions by then.

One woman I met was in a hurry to get remarried. She told me this, and it fits you as well. "You have a lot of open wounds yet, they are scabbed over but not healed, and they are going to leave a lot of scars." A wise woman she was.

BTW, I dated for about 5 years, but haven't had a date in almost 2 now.

ED


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