# spouse has passed



## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

i'm asking for help.anyone who suddenly has lost a longtime spouse/pardner please share how u handled all the little-everyday things.my wife of 35yrs died in her sleep yesterday.got lots of help from family on grief-burial etc.but theres a million things that are popping up - how did u deal with it?


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. My advise to you is to take it one day at the time and deal with each issue when it occurs. I am sorry to be so vague. Do you have any specific examples?


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

dutchie,from her car to clothes to her dentures.it just everyday things.just canned dill/green tomatos for her-now what?


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## Candy (May 12, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

I'm so sorry. 
You must be in shock and overwhelmed. 
Please allow others to be there for you.
Do you have a friend or family member that can stay with you for a bit? :grouphug:


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## Vickie44 (Jul 27, 2010)

I am sorry for your loss. Try to have no expectations of yourself, let others assist.


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## wally (Oct 9, 2007)

You and your family are in our prayers .Everyone here at homesteading today are hear for you.


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## sherry in Maine (Nov 22, 2007)

I am sorry! I lost dh after knowing him for 30 years, married to him for 22 of those years. This November will be 5 years.
It is an adjustment. So hard! I check my pms and if there is anything I can do (I dont live near you) but if you need someone to 'talk' to, I will answer you.

I dont have any great answers to sadness, grief, or the ending of a long partnership. I send my love and empathy to you, and many prayers!


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## moldy (Mar 5, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Her dentures should go to the funeral home - people are usually buried with them. If you want to keep her wedding band, tell the funeral director. Her car and clothes aren't going to go bad, or go anywhere. They can wait until you have the time and strength to take care of them. So can the dill/green tomatoes (I make those too - for my mom).

Take things a day at a time. Pay attention to the mail and important papers. Make lists if you need to (and your mind may wander quite a bit, so I'd make lists anyway).

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Ramblin Wreck (Jun 10, 2005)

Lots of good advice above, and just take it one day at a time. If you do have family or friends close by, do rely on them for a while.


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## Belfrybat (Feb 21, 2003)

I'm sorry to hear this. I know it must be a shock. I really can't add any more than the others have. Well, maybe one thing. If you have children, ask them to come and take something of their mother's that they want. AFTER you set aside what you want yourself. Maybe they can also help pack up her things for charity? But AFTER you have allowed yourself to grieve a bit and are ready for her things to be gone. And there is no timetable for that. 

Allow yourself time and be patient with yourself. You are in shock, and shock affects the memory. God bless you.


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

My condolences bigjon. There is loss, and then there is loss. This is up there with the hardest to live through. I won't presume to give advice, as I've not lived through the kind of grief you're going through. Someone I know who went through it once said she let her grief wash over her and through her. Didn't try to do "the right things". Just what she needed to get through it. And the time it took to get the little things done was just the time it took. No formula. Again, my sympathies.


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## TxGypsy (Nov 23, 2006)

Big warm hug! You are understandably overwhelmed. Let someone help you. Either relatives or friends. People will help if you will let them. It will also help you cope by having someone around.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

thk u all.i'm waiting on a call from coroners office on wether autopsy is required or not.waiting for funerals parlors to open-need to pick 1.waiting to wake up from this nightmare.and to stop cryin......


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## Annsni (Oct 27, 2006)

I am SOOOOO sorry for your loss. You are so fresh from this and still in the "What the h-e-double toothpicks just happened??" stage. The funeral home will help you through some of the initial things that you need to deal with and from there, it's really a deal-as-you-go thing. Allow yourself to grieve, ignore "stuff" and please allow friends to surround you and help. My prayers are with you and my heart breaks for you!


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## calliemoonbeam (Aug 7, 2007)

First of all... {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}! I am so sorry for your loss and for what you're going through. I haven't been through losing a spouse myself, but I have lost other loved ones, including two babies, so I have some understanding.

The most important piece of advice I can think of right now is to make NO big decisions, other than those of arranging the service and the things revolving around that, and if you have family or friends to help you with that please let them. You're too hurt, confused and in shock to be making any major decisions for a while. Anything else can just wait.

If your wife's clothes or other things bother you to look at them, put them in another room and close the door. Don't be in a rush to get rid of anything, you may regret it later. You do need to pick out something for the funeral home or, if it's too much for you ask a friend, relative or someone from your church to help you. As Moldy said, her dentures need to go there also, along with anything special you might want to go with her.

Then, as others have said, handle one thing at a time and one day, even one hour if necessary, at a time and hang in there. Allow yourself to feel your grief and don't keep it bottled up, but don't wallow either. She wouldn't want that. Remember to eat enough to keep your strength up, even if you don't want to. Most of all take care of yourself and do whatever YOU need to do to get through this, not what anyone else says you should do. 

We're here for you, if you need us. Take care. {{{Hugs}}}


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

So sorry for your loss!


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## mzgarden (Mar 16, 2012)

I am so sorry. I can add only the encouragement to allow yourself to grieve as you need, not the way someone else thinks you should be acting, feeling, being. You are you and you are experiencing an intensely personal and deep unexpected pain. Sometimes, one day at a time may be too big a bite- maybe one minute at a time may be as much as you can do AND THAT's OK. 
Check back in and let others here give you a safe place to say whatever you need to say at that moment. 
I am just so very sorry.


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## RideBarefoot (Jun 29, 2008)

Hugs and prayers for you, I do know how it is. Excellent advice already given- get help for the next few days of getting through the funeral, making sure to eat, etc. 

And cry, cry, cry. It's so hard, but you'll see her again someday.


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

prayers for ya !!


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Bigjon, first off I'm sorry for your loss and i want you to know prayers are being said for you. I can't speak from experience as i have never lost a spouse. But when we lost my mother my father was very much as you seem to be. I asked him to allow my sister and I to help him with some of the stuff. He was very relieved to realize he did not have to do it all alone. If you have family and or friends around may i suggest allowing them help you keep organized and cover all the bases. 

The clothes and all that will be there when you are ready. The grieving process is different for everyone so your timetable is the only one that really matters now. Everyone else comes second. Let friends and family help if that brings you comfort, they will offer help out of love, and concern, if you feel you need it please consider accepting it. Helping each other is a basic need so everyone will benefit. Once again, prayers for you sir.


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## Guest (Sep 29, 2014)

Hey Jon. 

My experience was to latch onto the everyday things. Make the breakfast you want to eat, wash the dishes. Everyday stuff don't change. It will take some time to adjust, but you'll need something normal to look forward to, and to keep your head straight. My own experience was in late February, so I threw myself into preparing for my garden, which I dearly love. I spread her ashes in the orchard, which was what she wanted, to be home. It took 3 months to take them off the shelf and out the door. Much longer to get rid of everything else. But I had to keep on because that's just life. And you'll come to the same conclusion, in your own time. There is nothing further you can do for her, and she wouldn't want you to stop functioning. Do your grieving now, and revisit this issue in a few weeks. 

I am sorry for your and your family's loss.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss of your partner. 

My advice is this:

1. Don't let family members "overwhelm" you with offers of: "you need to move in with me, you need to sell this place, etc.". Some may try to "help" in that manner but *do not make any BIG decisions for at least one YEAR *in order to have time to grieve and decide what you really want to do.

2. Take your time..that includes going through your partner's things and deciding what to do with them. 

3. Grieve, laugh, cry, and come here often to vent, ask for advice, holler, and have people who will listen to you. 

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you find peace and comfort in the days ahead. Prayers sent for you and your family.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

bigjon, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Your life has changed irrevocably and severely in an instant. It's like getting smacked in the heart with a baseball bat, but you haven't yet begun to register just how much damage has been done. It's going to hurt like hell, and for a very long time.

You've been given much superb advice already and I won't repeat it. I agree with the waiting at least one year to make any major decisions, if you can. Sometimes circumstances require you to move more quickly.

Two things I would add to what has already been said: First, start a list. All the things that careen through your head that you think you'll need to take care of, write them down. It will give you a small measure of control and it will be an immense help later when you're trying to remember what you may have forgotten or overlooked. And yes, there will be a lot. 

Second, this is the time to set your pride aside and call on friends and family for whatever you can. You WILL need help. If someone says, "If there is anything I can do...." give them a job. They will be glad to be of real help, and you'll get something done that might otherwise have overwhelmed you. I know how hard it is, but this is the time to take those offers seriously.

Take your OWN time to heal and recover from this dreadful blow. My thoughts are with you, and hugs to you if it helps.


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## CraftyLady (Jul 18, 2014)

Oh, so sad. I know the Lord will hold you close. 

My dear friend just lost her husband. Eyeopening. Lots of things to do and change. 

She got a white board. I guess a chalk board or notebook would work too. 

So, she prioritizes what needs to be done. Go to Social Security, call the Credit Card Co to change names, Pay bills and change the names on bills, power co. 
All of those things and checks them off as she goes or adds an addition or what she is waiting on in the progression of whatever. 

She has another list - 
Garbage goes out on ____. Dog goes to the vet on ______. Send out notes to Dr. or call them. Change the oil in the car. Call for propane fill up. Ask the neighbor kid to mow the lawn.

This has worked for her. She called it her Pushing Through List. ( she told us she is in Grief Brain) 
She's now 4 weeks out. Good friends all around and a supportive family. Not all of us will have that. I hope you do. But, if you don't the white board or whatever you choose might help.


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## no really (Aug 7, 2013)

Prayers for you and your loved ones. 

If possible have someone you trust help you with immediate decisions.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

I have no advice to offer.

Gentle hugs!:grouphug:


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## my4fireflies (Sep 3, 2014)

My condolences bigjon. I'm so sorry. All I can say is be gentle to yourself and like someone else said your grief has it's own timetable. Go at your own pace. (((((bigjon)))))


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## AZHomesteader (Sep 20, 2012)

I am so sorry bigjon, my heart goes out to you. May god comfort you in your time of need.


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## Oxankle (Jun 20, 2003)

Bigjon: Been there, done that. I offer condolences.

Do what you have to do, the funeral, the insurance, the grave, the death certificates you will need---the funeral home should get you some death certificates. If Social Security was involved, notify them right away. 

The kids and family will be all around for a while---you may even want to get away from them for a bit of grief in private--deal with it, they love you and want to help even if they get in the way and make you nervous. 

Guard your health, get enough sleep, eat balanced meals and do the everyday things that must be done. 

Let the women of the family dispose of your wife's clothes. The children will want things to remember her by, but most of her clothes will probably go to Good Will. If your children want some of the things from the house, let them have them. You can always replace "things that mean something to the children" with things that mean nothing to you. Be sure you keep something, some little thing, for yourself--I kept my favorite picture--a picture of my wife when she was four years old. There are other pictures, but that was the one no one gets until I'm gone.

Once the initial shock has worn off it will get easier day by day. The first months are misery, but when the seasons have rolled around again you will be able to smile when you remember her. 

I wish you well.
Ox


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## sdnapier (Aug 13, 2010)

I am so very sorry.


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

I can't offer any advice, either. I've never lost a spouse and pray I never will because I just don't know if I could survive it.

As a home health nurse I do care for a lot of people who have lost spouses. A lot of men don't get rid of their wive's favorite things. I know one guy who has kept his wife's shampoo and back scrubber in the shower for all the years since she passed. I imagine he likes to smell the shampoo. He keeps her perfume and all of her favorite pictures, still waters her house plants. You don't have to get rid of anything you don't want to get rid of. When you do, make sure you give the kids/grandkids the opportunity to take anything that reminds them of her. My silblings and cousins and I were so disappointed when my grandmother threw out all of my grandpa's old clothes. We wanted quilts made of his old stuff, especially the black and red plaid he loved so much.


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## Jaclynne (May 14, 2002)

bigjon - I'm very sorry for your loss. You've gotten very good advise from others. 

From experience I will say, it helped me to keep lists of things that 'need doing' so I didn't loose track. 
Accept help when it is offered. 
Be careful not to give too much away too soon, I was surprised at the things I gave away. 
Take care to keep following your budget as you did before, and adjust if income changes.
After the first couple of weeks, I started each day with a list to accomplish. It helped keep me functioning.
Talk, tell the memories, laugh at the funny ones. 
Accept help, but remember if you didn't take advice or trust someone before your loss, don't trust them now, even if they love you and/or her. Some people will take advantage.
Take care of yourself. Eat well, get your rest.
Pray. There is a precious peace available if you accept it.


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## MOSSYNUT (Aug 8, 2014)

I'm sorry for your loss. Prayers sent.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I'm so sorry.
I am in Central Indiana. If I am close, I can offer to help with whatever you need.
Prayers sent


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## light rain (Jan 14, 2013)

I will remember you in my prayers tonight.


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

I am so Sorry to hear this Big John-My Most Sincere Prayers go out to You and Your Loved Ones.


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## Guest (Sep 30, 2014)

Be nice to yourself..
cry as often and as much as you need to...
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))+++++++++++++++++prayers for you.


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Sorry for your loss. Prayers to you.

big rockpile


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## farmgal (Nov 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry Jon. Bless you and your family.


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## arcticow (Oct 8, 2006)

Me too.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

ds&dd&i have put our act together,i've bought plots for both of us-side by side-no sense splitting the pair of us now.made funeral arrangements.we'll pick a headstone Tuesday.got lucky-got plots right in bk of her brother.i have to stay strong&sane for my elderly mom,shes 81 and failing(muscle wasting deisease).but I've lost my mind-if u see it send it home-i'm gonna need it back.thank u one and all from the bottom of my broken heart


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

A grievous and heart-wrenching loss for you. I pray that your precious memories of her will help you through the painful days ahead, and bring you comfort.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

No advice from here, bigjon. Just offering my condolences...keep your chin up!


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

Others have offered good advice and all I can add is that I'm so sorry for your loss too. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.


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## Solar Geek (Mar 14, 2014)

So very very sorry for your loss.

Only points to add: Funeral home will (or should) have a brochure to help you with lists of the things you need to do re notifying Soc. Sec. or banks and such. They gave us one when our little son died that was such a giant help on even how to answer all the questions people and little kids ask.

Try to get about 10 death certificates. We got 10 when DS died and used all but 2 so far. I was amazed since he was only 16 months old how many places needed one. 

Cry as much as you need to. At any time in front of anyone. I even had to pull onto the shoulder of the freeway a couple of times as I couldn't see through my tears.

Lastly, No one told us how PHYSICAL grief is. I had no idea. My lungs ached for months from crying; my shoulders were so sore from trying to stand up straight when I just wanted to be on the floor in tears. My face felt like windshield glass after it is smashed - held together with that safety film but all broken up. So hard to go to work and not show the grief especially when others kindly said something.

You and she will be in my prayers.


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## copperkid3 (Mar 18, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss bigjon. 
It's been exactly one month since my mother passed. 

I wish that I could say that I fully understand 
what you're going through, but I can't.

The nearest thing that I could relate to it, 
was when I was going thru a divorce, which I never saw coming.

The circumstances with my mother are considerably different. 
We were estranged and she had been 'gone' for some time already, 
due to advancing alzheimer's......she never did forgive me for having 
to take her to court to protect her finances from the scum who prey 
on the elderly thru the mail & by phone with schemes like lotteries, 
sweepstakes and other such flim-flams. She really wasn't the same woman 
that I knew at the end, who had raised me. I hadn't even planned on attending her funeral, 
but decided that it was probably best to try. As it turned out, there was need for an extra pallbearer...... so was able to pay my last respects in that small fashion. 

Truthfully, I've wept nary a tear for her and typing this out, 
just sounds so cold and empty; it really seems like I should feel 
something/anything, but I unfortunately I just don't. 

(Actually, that's not entirely true.....I do feel regret 
for her soul being lost to eternity, as she died unsaved.) 

I've seen way too much death and pain already.....I've become numb.
Perhaps we all have different ways of experiencing our grief . . .


I pray that your time of sorrow is helped most during 
this troubling time, by those who are near and dear to you.


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## CajunSunshine (Apr 24, 2007)

Jon, I am so very sorry for this huge, huge loss. I am praying for you and your family. 

I know it is very hard right now to imagine this, but as time goes on the fierce intensity of this raw, unrelenting pain will gradually subside into a dull roar, then into a gentle ache. Finally one day you will realize you can enjoy many fond memories without giving way to tears.

And then you will realize the truth of something that Helen Keller once said: _That we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us._

Mitch Albom put it another way: _Love is how you stay alive even after you are gone. _

Hugs and prayers,
Sharon


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

to solar geek,u are so right!my chest and shoulders hurt and yes I've had to pull over and cry it out. god bless all of u! I had no idea the human body could make this many tears!


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry.


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## Annsni (Oct 27, 2006)

Two things I remembered from when my mom died:

* My dad definitely needed more than 10 birth certificates. EVERYONE, it seems needed one. But you can always get more as needed.

* If your wife had any credit cards in her name, you are not responsible to pay them off even if you inherit everything from her (which I assume you do). My mom had a few significant balances and they were all written off upon her death. This is where a few of the death certificates went. 

Again - my heart breaks for you. I just cannot imagine the stunning grief you are experiencing! ((HUGS))


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## Trainwrek (Aug 23, 2014)

Big Jon, sorry for your loss. All I can say is repeat something that somebody told me once that made me feel a tiny bit better when I lost someone; Death is easy, its living thats hard. When people go they feel no sorrow or grief or pain. We are left to feel it all.

IDK why but that thought made me feel better. Hang in there, it gets easier with time.


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## Vahomesteaders (Jun 4, 2014)

Is a very hard thing my friend. My mom passed away last year. Her and my dad were living with us. They were married 36 years. My dad has ms. So mom took care of everything for him. It crushed him. I never thought I would see him smile again. But my mom always said she didn't want him to be alone and to remarry of she passed. Which in sure your wife would want to. Well low and behold despite all his challenges and being in a wheel chair, he met someone on Christian mingle. And she is local and he is smiling again. They are getting married. So life doesn't stop and neither does happiness. It just changes and comes in different forms. I'll be praying for you buddy.


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## Sara in IN (Apr 2, 2003)

Jon, 

Let the scent fade - be in no hurry to get rid of her clothes, her things. Yes, there will be times in the next few weeks when it seems like the thing to do, but pack up those things in boxes or plastic crates for storage. I have two baskets of my late husbands' clothing to be made into memory quilts. If your cousin-in-law want to clean the house let her, it's a way some people cope, or some neighbor food-bombs you with casseroles, it's ok. One neighbor watched the house during the funeral. Accept help in all the small ways that it comes. 

Don't make any major decisions in the next two years if you can at all avoid it- don't remarry, make a sudden decision to move away, or other large life changes. It's ok to buy a different vehicle if you have to, in all, keep as much normalcy as you can. You have to make a new routine for you with what works for you. A glass of wine to help you get to sleep at night for a month or two is ok, but grief is not an excuse to crawl in a bottle and stay there. 

Get a physical and what medications that you may need for ongoing or new conditions. If you are not much of a cook ask family and friends to help stock your freezer with easy to fix meals and/or invite you over for supper. Sudden grief can turn you in to a zombie - you forget to eat, sleep schedule goes haywire, you sit and stare into space a lot, plus all the other new unfamiliar duties that will occur. Have someone who will call you every day - sibling, child, friend to check on you and make sure you do things that you need to do. 

It does get a little better as time goes on - it'll be two years come January for me. I still miss him terribly, but no longer thinking, "oh, I should tell E__ about this, he'd enjoy it ".

Take care and may the God you know cradle you gently in this time.


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## wogglebug (May 22, 2004)

You have my sympathy. I've lost a spouse (although not the same way, which is one praise point, although I didn't feel like it at the time). I've lost my father, and am now in the process of losing my mother to aggressive cancer. My health has collapsed, and I've had to move from the family farm/home to a retirement unit in town. That doesn't sound like the same thing, but it has a lot of similar effects.

Be careful. Major life changes have major impacts. You've already had pretty close to the most major one - death of a spouse. Other than death of other close family members such as children, the only one I can think of close to that is losing a limb.

However, there are other big ones. Losing a job, losing a home, retirement, changing a job or home (not the same thing as losing, but still a big impact). Losing health, losing financial stability, losing a life-long friend. While these are on their own not as major as what you've undergone, they are uprated by coming along on top of other major occurrences.

As I said, be careful. It takes at least 12 months and more likely 24 to get over any of these. And they're cumulative. Some of them you just can't avoid. At least recognise the effect they'll have, so you can maybe avoid or defer and prepare for some of them, and be ready to withstand the effect when anything more happens.

And get over it (to whatever extent you can). I let losing my wife and children destroy my life for a long time, and I settled into negative habits. I would have been far better off if I established good habits, and a positive pattern of life, rather than dwelling on the past.

God gave you a life to LIVE. Do it! There is no reason to deny the past, but recognise that it IS the past. Open up to the future as well.


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## homefire2007 (Sep 21, 2007)

So sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. Let others help with the little, everyday stuff. Like meals, groceries, etc. You have enough on your plate right now. Deal with things as they come up and don't think you are supposed to know what all needs to be done. The shock and numbness actually helped me cope, I just went on auto pilot. It is different for everyone, there is no neat, set of rules to go by. There are chunks of time I don't remember clearly during this time. That's okay, people are incredibly understanding. I remember keeping the kids home from school one day so we could go to the lake just to be away from it all for a few hours. We needed it. Most of all, don't forget to take care of yourself. Come here often, we are here to help in any small way we can. I did and it helped me to have a safe place to go.


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## Adirondackgal (Aug 8, 2013)

I am so sorry for your loss. I have not experienced it personally but have had family members pass. You have a lot of good information here. Taking care of yourself is the number one thing. Most things can wait awhile. Don't get rid of anything yet. Give yourself some time first. Do let others help. The best to you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Farmer Willy (Aug 7, 2005)

Been where you are now. Lost the Mrs. 2 years ago this past August. What to do with her things---well, that will be an individual thing. Certain keepsakes were special, how I got them, when I gave them to her. In my case some things I keep in a dresser drawer. Some things I gave away to people that can use them. I kept the first two pieces of jewelry I ever gave her: a candy necklace (since she was one that just couldn't accept jewelry from someone she'd only known for a few months) and a St. Christopher medal and chain. The rest I gave to the other ladies in the family so's to give them a special keepsake. Her dishes (she was quite proud of them) I kept, and continue to use till the day I won't have further need of them, and then they'll be passed along to the girls.

I've learned that the raw hurt, the "what do I do now" has lessoned over the last two years. Not a day goes by I don't think of her, but now it is more thinking about how she would have liked to see the fence going up, or how the grand kids would have her laughing about that new song they made up. 

I don't know if it is silly or not, but I will still weigh decisions with her in mind. Not in simple day to day things like what to eat, and not in all decisions, but along the lines of trying to stay the kind of man she me loved for. For a while it could have been real easy to go off the rails and run wild, but the thought of being a disappointment to her kind of steadied me. When I read this it almost reads like I have slipped a gear and I wouldn't blame folks if they thought that, but it helps me stay the course.

My last thought is that this isn't something that clears up in short order. If you feel the need then get on here and talk to folks. If you don't wanna spill your guts for the entire world to see send a private message. Folks from this board wrote to me when I was down and hurting. It was a comfort to know there were folks that cared enough to do that.


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## KentuckyDreamer (Jan 20, 2012)

I am so sorry for your loss. The only adult I had in my life was my grandmother. She died in my home in April at the age of 99. Just last week I noticed the sun shining on my shoulders and how filthy the outside furniture had become. Every few days I feel a bit lighter, a bit more of the sun.


I pray you do not hurry anything. After a few months I went through her things...things that others could use went ( diapers, gowns, bibs, etc.) Things she never used and held no memories were given away as well. Everything else is still in a dresser drawer. Someday I will go through the costume jewelry, the photos, the papers, but not yet. 


Before she died I would spend one day a week at the cemetery visiting my grandfather and father. Now that she is with them, funny, I only go every month or so. My heart is heavy, my eyes blur, sometimes I am in so much pain I tell God I am sick of death and I want this to end. I am sick of death, and I hate dementia. Irrational but God is big enough to take my anger.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

typing thru tears sucks.wakes today,burial tomorrow.thank u one and all-u've all been a big help.


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## Bret (Oct 3, 2003)

Very sorry.


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## KentuckyDreamer (Jan 20, 2012)

Tomorrow night may be the hardest....just cry and scream. Know that you are likely walking around in a daze, in shock. Please be kind to yourself.


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## buslady (Feb 14, 2008)

I am still crying almost every day. My John of 56 years passed away on April 26, of this year. I know it will be hard for you. I have our five kids to help me, but it is still so hard. May God help you.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

My husband died just before Christmas 2008. The first year, I cried a lot, at stupid times, always by myself. Sometimes because I heard his favorite song, saw his favorite food or something he'd like. Sometimes whie I was stopped at a stoplight....never figured THAT one out. Sometimes just because I was wishing he was here and seeing or hearing what I was. The worst part was when I changed the utilities over to my name, and also the house...it felt like I was erasing the last of him. I visited the cemetery every day, and sometimes twice a day.

I have read that it is common to think you see the person who has passed. Twice, I thought I saw him, or a reasonable clone. LOL! Once, my girlfriend was with me, so I have verification! The second time, it was like a younger him. I'd kinda like to think (like he did) that there are alternate universes, and that I just got a glimpse of him living an alternative existance.

The second year, I got cemetery visits whittled down to twice a week, then once a week. Now I go about every three months....sometimes a little more, when the roses are blooming I tend to take flowers. Seldom cry.

Now when I first think of him, I smile or laugh. It takes a while before a person gets to that point....give yourself time.

Mon


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## KentuckyDreamer (Jan 20, 2012)

frogmammy said:


> My husband died just before Christmas 2008. The first year, I cried a lot, at stupid times, always by myself. Sometimes because I heard his favorite song, saw his favorite food or something he'd like. Sometimes whie I was stopped at a stoplight....never figured THAT one out. Sometimes just because I was wishing he was here and seeing or hearing what I was. The worst part was when I changed the utilities over to my name, and also the house...it felt like I was erasing the last of him. I visited the cemetery every day, and sometimes twice a day.
> 
> I have read that it is common to think you see the person who has passed. Twice, I thought I saw him, or a reasonable clone. LOL! Once, my girlfriend was with me, so I have verification! The second time, it was like a younger him. I'd kinda like to think (like he did) that there are alternate universes, and that I just got a glimpse of him living an alternative existance.
> 
> ...


 At first I wanted to say how sorry I am, but thinking about it, how incredible that you loved and were loved that much. I remember one day about fifteen years after my grandfather passed. I was driving down a main road and started to scream...I was broken in grief and could not figure out how I was going to get home. To love so fully is a gift, but such a major loss is indescribable.

Love to you.


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## light rain (Jan 14, 2013)

Buslady, I'm glad you posted. I am glad to hear that your children are helping you through this difficult time...


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## Wren - TN (Dec 22, 2013)

No advice to give, but plenty of prayers and sympathy. Others who have lost spouses have given good ideas. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the extended family's loss.


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## gettys1863 (Jan 24, 2013)

Sorry for your loss, you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

bigjon said:


> dutchie,from her car to clothes to her dentures.it just everyday things.just canned dill/green tomatos for her-now what?


When my husband died I took things one day at a time. Don't rush into things but just take your time. Do you have family who can help you with all those things?

Clothing and other personal effects can be donated.


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## davel745 (Feb 2, 2009)

I took one day at a time and get a dog


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

we bury her today,again thank u for all your kind words&wishes.(---- tears)bought her a stained glass type urn with roses on it-her name is rosemary-my kids&family/friends have propped me up.Drama free wake-that was a first in her family!


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## mzgarden (Mar 16, 2012)

Praying especially often for you today.


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

Thinking of You this Morning bigjon. 
It has been almost 2 years, since my Deb* Passed
I try to focus on the good-Lot's of good memories

What we have once enjoyed, and deeply loved
we can never lose,
for all that we love deeply
becomes a part of us.

Helen Keller


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

Special thoughts and prayers for you today, Tom

Mary


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## calliemoonbeam (Aug 7, 2007)

That's lovely BigJon, and very appropriate, given her name. I'm glad the wake went smoothly. Prayers for peace and strength to get you through the service today.

We'll be there in spirit to prop you up, as your family and friends will be doing in person. It will be a hard day, but tonight after everyone goes home will be harder. Will you have someone stay with you, or can you stay with someone else? 

Praying for you. {{{Hugs}}}


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## KentuckyDreamer (Jan 20, 2012)

Good morning Bigjon...just wanted to pop in and let you know I am thinking about you.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

thank u kentuckydreamer,1 final post-after the burial there were 5 of us just standing there(we didn't want to leave) an eagle flew over.goodby my love......


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## light rain (Jan 14, 2013)

May God support you and your loved ones and may all the happy memories come back to you when needed most.


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## BlueJeans (Jan 17, 2009)

My condolences and prayers. I'm just now getting here; but want to wish you strength, comfort and in your own time...Peace.

I cannot imagine how you feel; but I know how I felt and continue to feel.

My husband of 45 yrs. died unexpectedly, Jan, 2013. My entire world was jerked from under me. I never knew anything could hurt that bad. 

The best advice I got...and pass on: With your existence in a tail-spin, and so many things to do when you are the least able to think straight...try to focus on only "the next" thing. Shut out the rest...you can and will be able to handle just the one "next" thing.


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## BlueJeans (Jan 17, 2009)

Whether you post or not, I will be thinking about you and probably post now and then.

I found that many people were heart-broken with me,,,but didn't know what to say...so didn't say anything except please let me know if you need anything. That is so very sweet and they truly mean it...

It's just that for awhile, you probably won't have a clue what you need and certainly may not have the motivation to ask.

Someone later asked me "what helps? cards? calls? visits? hugs?"....

I honestly could speak for myself: For awhile...everything helps at the same time nothing helps.

My prayers.


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## BlueJeans (Jan 17, 2009)

Thinking of you.


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## BlueJeans (Jan 17, 2009)

It was...is...my experience to be a tower-of-strength one minute...and dissolve into a puddle of goo the next. Often it's the "little things" that knock-you-over, completely unexpectedly. That is NORMAL. Whatever you feel... is NORMAL...just go with it...weep, scream, punch the wall...it's all OK.


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## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

I lost my guy almost 4 years ago. I miss him very much. We were not married. His children had him cremated per his wishes, and I got some of his ashes. They go everywhere with me. If I shake them, there are little puffs of dust that come up, and I do this if I want to share something with him. He was a retired truck driver and yesterday I stopped off at a place he used to deliver to almost every day, and I left a puff of him there. He would like that, he had a lot of friends there. 

His birthday is next Thursday. We always took a birthday ride. I had planned a ride that day, then I had something come up, so we took the ride yesterday. I feel like he's with me. Maybe I sound crazy, but I miss him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I honor his memory. His daughter told me he probably would have wanted me to move on and I will if I ever meet the right person. I feel so blessed that he chose me tho. He was almost a generation older than me, and I knew I'd probably lose him some day. I was there when it happened, and he went in peace. 

I have his retirement watch from the trucking company. One of his most treasured possessions. And mine too.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

bluejeans,it's hard to come home after a long day at work.i'll move on I know.not today or tomorrow though


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## BlueJeans (Jan 17, 2009)

Ohh...do I understand the coming home part. I was 'alright' while at home, but it was desperately hard to come home without my DH here or expected any minute.

I still feel abandoned in the mornings. He usually was up before I was...had a fire going and coffee ready. Both of us, morning people, did most of our chatting first thing...and laughed a lot.

After a few mornings of having to get up to a cold house and re-build the fire ...I looked at his box of cremains and yelled: Would it have KILLED you to put a log on the fire...?!!! I cried my eyes out...then started laughing; because I 'knew' he was somewhere laughing at my tantrum. 

Yes, you will move on...but at your OWN pace and in your OWN way. "Time" has nothing to do with any of this journey.


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## libertygirl (Jul 18, 2011)

bigjon, I am seeing this for the first time today. I am so sorry for your loss...I can't even express my sorrow for you. As I read each post, my eyes filled with tears. I pray for you that each day will get a little less pain full and difficult (if only in a tiny way). 

I have only the experience of losing my dad (who was my best friend). He died 5 years ago in September. It has been a long road of healing for me....Can't even think about loosing my DH of 10 years...let alone after 30. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.


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## BlueJeans (Jan 17, 2009)

Thinking of you.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

thank u bluejeans.


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## BlueJeans (Jan 17, 2009)

I won't ask you how you are doing. There is no way to answer that, I'm sure.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

not honestly yet.had to sign morepapers today.sigh.........


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Hi Bigjon, 

When my DH passed away, I was pretty numb for the first two-three months. People said things to me and I "heard" them but didn't absorb anything they said. I just nodded and they thought I got it. Some days are better than others, sometimes I would remember something DH said and would burst out laughing and people would look at me like I grew a third eye or something. But those were private moments that I would sit and remember and sometimes I would find myself talking to Dh just like he was there. Telling him I needed to wean the foals off the mares or it was time to plant tomatoes..just discussing my daily affairs.

Don't feel bad or strange if you want to continue to discuss your daily affairs with your dear wife. Don't feel badly if you find yourself thinking about something she said and you talk out loud or laugh or even cry. I figure my DH would say "yep..that is just like her to keep flapping her lips..lol.." and even 16 years later, I still think about DH. You 
never forget, you just learn to move forward. 

Take your time, remember both the good and bad times and cherish those memories. They will always be with you. ((hugs)) to you.


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## flowergurl (Feb 27, 2007)

So sorry to hear about your wife. I agree with this:



> If your wife's clothes or other things bother you to look at them, put them in another room and close the door. Don't be in a rush to get rid of anything, you may regret it later.


Give yourself time to heal and come to terms with your loss. Sometimes the scent of perfume left on her clothes might be a huge comfort during the healing process.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

------ tears make it hard to type,was doing fine until 2 days ago I received a voicemail from monument place-we need u to approve final sketch for headstone.ok.2 days I go?closed-no posted hours-call no answer.bout ready to wrap tow chain around door handle and hook to my 4wd.


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## homefire2007 (Sep 21, 2007)

Bigjon, big hugs sent your way. Often out of nowhere, it hits you...hard. Don't try to work through this alone if you can help it. Call a friend or 'talk' here. Prayers for comfort and peace going up for you.


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## BlueJeans (Jan 17, 2009)

Add my big hugs.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Awh, that is not so good about the monument place. Can they send you the sketch via email? 

That might be a good idea if you can get in touch with them. 

Sending good thoughts your way and want you to know that you are not alone. We are all here for you anytime you wish to "talk".


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## BlueJeans (Jan 17, 2009)

bigjon, I hope you have the monument taken care of. Just when you don't need more to muddle through, it seems everything that should be simple...becomes unreasonably complicated. 

Just know there are persons here who truly understand.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

reached monument place today,explained to lady that I've been trying to reach them and why(3days)!she just got back in town-she determined that her sister-inlaw sent the voicemail.she didn't know why because the sketch was in front of her and I had already approved it! I told her she caused me 3days of anguish and pain-received a apology.


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## homefire2007 (Sep 21, 2007)

Glad everything is sorted out now, Bigjon. Take care of yourself everyday, too.


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## SimplerTimez (Jan 20, 2008)

My condolences bigjon. So many others in our similar situation have given great advice, I can't think of anything more to add. 

Probably all I could tell you is how to do everything wrong because I'm so stubborn and turned inward ignoring just about everyone's advice  Hindsight is oh so 20/20. Everyone grieves differently - some in huge bursts, others in little dribbles, and still others that simply don't allow it at all for fear of losing hold of oneself. 

Time, it does lessen the pain somewhat. I'm just past five years now. Mostly what I will say is go easy on yourself. And give thanks that you loved, and were loved. Some never know it. 

Shalom,

~ST


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## libertygirl (Jul 18, 2011)

Thinking of you, and hoping you are doing okay today.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

only blubbered once today! its progress....thank u libgurl.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Very glad you got the monument place straightened out, and I find it quite honorable that the lady apologized for causing you pain. I am sure that was never her intent and was snafu created by the third party.

hope you are doing well today and maybe you might be thinking of what to plant next year, I planted some things that my DH liked (even though I HATE green beans  ), it reminded me of him when I got the seed books, I ordered enough Blue Lake to make a couple of rows. Gave the beans to my children.

Do you have family nearby that you can visit from time to time? That took my mind off a lot while sitting on my mom's porch peeling pears.

Thinking of you,
Sidepasser


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## mzgarden (Mar 16, 2012)

You were on my mind today so I prayed for you.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

yes mamm,i'm planning next years crop!


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## BlueJeans (Jan 17, 2009)

Thinking of you.


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## homefire2007 (Sep 21, 2007)

Hang in there, Bigjon!


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## Solar Geek (Mar 14, 2014)

Bigjon, all your steps like planning next year's crop are wonderful. You are so far further than most would be. 

But I write this because the holidays are coming. My dear friend lost her husband suddenly May 22 and we just spoke about this and she is being pressured to do what her larger family wants for all the holidays. In our experience, they cannot really be planned for when you have just lost someone. I offer this only to say we totally understand and whatever you choose to do is what is right. Not what others want you to do.

We gave our little son back to God Dec 4th many years ago and had to arrange his funeral along with celebrating St. Nick's (big one for us) with our 3 and 4 yr olds next night and day. Then Christmas.

I write this only *to tell you to do EXACTLY what you want when you want to and as long as you want to.* 

My MIL is one who, no matter how bad it gets (and how much worse is it to lose a child or spouse?), wants you to look on the bright side and do all the same stuff. So we were literally forced to travel 2 hours on Christmas eve, participate in a party and same for next day. No peaceful place to cry; no place to just talk to God and say hey, kiss our son for us. I have forgiven but never want anyone else to give in to the pressure as we did - we were just so very exhausted and thought it might help our girls. It didn't and from then on we really did nothing at all that was not in keeping with our grief/happiness/joy or lack thereof.

Holidays are almost unbearable -- they get better but I would be lying if I said it happens soon. Be kind to yourself. Know your wife is there with you still holding your hand. 

Again, I offer this only to help you avoid our mistakes in trying to please others and being absolutely wrong to ourselves. SG


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## sss3 (Jul 15, 2007)

SIL posted this on FB. 'Grief isn't something you get over; it's something you go through.'


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## BlueJeans (Jan 17, 2009)

Remember that whatever you feel is NORMAL. Each loss is different, each situation unique and each of us is "us". I am very close to persons who felt relief at the passing of their spouses. Not in any unloving, uncaring way whatsoever...but that the lingering, suffering is OVER...and the having to watch helplessly is OVER. While it has been an adjustment to life going on...just as it is for all widow(er)s...we all feel as we feel, usually all feelings tangled-up even for quite awhile...even a very long time. We are NORMAL.


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## bigjon (Oct 2, 2013)

I understand rough patches will pop up time to time,last night was rough when bank picked her car up.there was 2yrs left of payments &my name wasn't on loan.so I wasn't paying for it.so sad to watch it go. and yes I had to watch.all there is left is when the headstone is done. and bluejeans? i'm thinking of U.god bless all of u!


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Thinking of you tonight, hope you are doing well. Sorry about the car, but if you didn't need it, then no sense paying for it. Anyways, know that someone, somewhere, here at ST and HT is thinking of you from time to time, maybe we take shifts..who knows..but you are in our thoughts and prayers.


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