# What a situation I am in!!! Warning: Mega-vent ahead!



## redgate (Sep 18, 2008)

I know it's long, but please allow me to give background....

Eight years ago, we bought a small farm (25 acres). Mother-in-law (husband's mom, known as "MIL" for rest of this post) fell in love with it, and, knowing we were going to be farming (self-sufficient homestead type farm), bought the 5 acres next door and built her dream home. She moved in first, 2 years ago, thus "staking her claim" to the area. After much work on the land, we finally moved in this summer, but sadly, hubby's move has been delayed due to work. So, kids and I moved into our farm, complete with our critters and 2 LGD's. They are "Colorado Mountain Dogs" (essentially 3/4 GP and 1/4 AS). 

Mind you, our area is full of coyotes, fox, racoon (frequent MIL's back deck), bobcat (killed one of MIL's pet sheep 2 years ago), and cougar (spotted within 1/2 mile of our place on multiple occasions). We have free-range laying hens (acceptable to MIL as long as we don't have a rooster), pastured meat birds, Lowline (small) cattle, heritage pastured hogs (she hates our pigs too), dairy goats, a jersey cow, meat rabbits, and a donkey. We also have a garden and orchard, and am proud to report that, thanks to my dogs, in the 2 months we've lived here, we've not lost a single chicken to predation or ear of corn to the local deer. They do an incredible job and we love our LGD's.

Unfortunately, our farm is surrounded by "city" folks who moved to the country. This includes MIL, who is the worst of them. To try to prevent problems, we invested serious $$$$ in a very solid perimeter fence to keep our critters (including dogs) in our pastures, and their dogs out. We personally chatted with each neighbor, took eggs to the closest with a "Hey, thanks for your patience as our dogs adapt to the new place." All our neighbors have been very welcoming, understanding, and kind. As we have settled in, I have talked with neighbors more, and none claim to have any problems with our dogs. To the contrary, they report, "Sure, we hear the occasional bark if we walk past the fence, but that's no biggie. That's what dogs do. We just really appreciate that you care enough to ask!" All the neighbors that is, except MIL. 

And therein lies my situation. MIL is an alcoholic. I'm pretty convinced she hates me anyway. Why she decided to buy and move in next door is beyond my comprehension. She also hates my dogs. Yes, my dogs bark at her dogs. Her dogs bark back and encourage it. It's OK for her dogs to bark, as they are on HER property. It is NOT OK for my dogs to bark, even if they are on MY property. I could count the times my dogs have barked at her (I'm home almost all the time), but she reports on a regular basis. When she gets drunk every afternoon, she gets on the phone and starts calling me every 15 minutes because "she can't walk her dogs without my dogs barking at her". I love the voicemail I had waiting when I returned from today's once-in-a-blue-moon outing, "I'm sick of those dogs! Get them out of the front pasture!" Umm, that's my pasture, and no, I won't. I want them there right now. 

I confess, to keep the peace during the early settling in phase, we did buy a bark collar. The collar is rotated between the dogs, based on their natural "shifts", to help control any excessive barking. It has indeed limited their barking, and I have had minimal issues with excessive barking as a result (one dog--the younger at about 15 months tends to bark more than the other). Now that they are settling in, I use it much less, as they are learning what is OK and what isn't. 

So, although hubby is the type to stand up for me when needed, when MIL is drunk, there isn't much anyone can do. I try not to complain to hubby too much because I know there isn't much he can do from 1,000 miles away. She can't remember harrassing me over the phone. I can't converse with her about the issue at the time of her complaint, since she is too drunk to listen. I can't file any harrassment charges because she is family and we are aiming to keep the peace. Nothing I ever do will please her. She hates the fact we feed our children raw milk, wouldn't accept a dozen of our free-range, organic, pastured eggs from us if you paid her to, hates the pigs (although we only have 2 and they are not smelly swine on a dirt lot--they are rotated through 1/2 acre plots of thick and lush forage and most folks never even know they are there), etc. She claims to like our 3 cows, although she doesn't like it when they moo (like once every week from several acres away). Maybe I could just slip the bark collar on her during one of her passed-out episodes? Will it work for excessive and somewhat unfounded complaining too?

Sorry so long. I am just fed up with it! This is our dream farm. No one has a problem with our farm but her, and she is driving me nutty over all this! Can't wait till hubby moves in so he can see it first hand and hopefully put her in her place!


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## dizzy (Jun 25, 2013)

When she's drunk, don't answer the phone. Let it go to voice mail, and then play it for her when she's sober.

I feel your pain. I have to deal w/it on a regular basis (hubby's an alcoholic), but I've learned how to deal w/him and how to shut him up. But w/it being your MIL, that's a bit different story.


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

Sometimes you just have to use your imagination. For some reason one of those high pitched electronic devices that make dogs bark comes to mind. If you had bark collars on your dogs and they knew you were the source they'd not bark. Hers? Oh yeah! I know you can't do this but it's fun to consider. Hopefully the more "adult" members here will have a better idea.


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## TJN66 (Aug 29, 2004)

dizzy said:


> When she's drunk, don't answer the phone. Let it go to voice mail, and then play it for her when she's sober.
> 
> I feel your pain. I have to deal w/it on a regular basis (hubby's an alcoholic), but I've learned how to deal w/him and how to shut him up. But w/it being your MIL, that's a bit different story.


 
I agree with this. Show her what she is doing while drunk.


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## Bellyman (Jul 6, 2013)

Or if it's bad enough... move... and don't take her with you.

Neighbors are one thing you just can't control. Having a bad one that's also family is just not a good situation. I doubt I could handle it no matter how nice the property was.

About the only other thing I can think of is some kind of high privacy fence that might also include dense plants in between to block view and muffle sound, too. But that depends a lot upon terrain. If the property line is in a valley between you, no fence is likely tall enough to do the job. And trees take a long time to grow.

Good luck! I feel for ya.


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## JasoninMN (Feb 24, 2006)

First get the rooster you "can't" have then when she calls tell her she is only invited over and able to call when her son is home. Next time your son is home have her admitted to treatment for being a drunk.


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## Rock (Jan 5, 2009)

Change your phone number


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## redgate (Sep 18, 2008)

You guys made me laugh! I have considered putting one of those ultra-high-pitched sound things that react to barking on a tree near the property line. That way, when her dogs bark, it will sound off, and she will be none the wiser. Oh, and I have 3 roosters growing in my chicken tractor now! I am hoping to raise my own chicks next year, and if she's gonna complain anyway, I might as well go for it now!


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## sandsuncritters (Nov 18, 2011)

Red gate, I am so sad that this is happening to you. Alcoholics are no fun to deal with under any circumstances. 

Do you and most importantly your children have daily interaction with her? Does she have free access (key) to your home? Has your husband cautioned you regarding adverse behavior on her part and how to deal with it in his absence?

Not having your husband on site makes this situation even more stressful for all of you, kids especially. Please be very careful not to "up the ante" possibly resulting in her inability to exercise good judgment during an episode.

Do the neighbors have problems with her as well? Do you get the feeling that they are watching out for you? I sincerely hope that your children are not being ostracized due to your mil's problem.

PS. I really like rock's suggestion, and make it unpublished too!

Wishing you and yours all the best.

In His Love
Mich


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

Now you know why she moved next to you. She no longer has friends or family that will deal with her. Seriously, as Jason suggested, do an intervention and get her into treatment. Your children should not be exposed to her like this.


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## motdaugrnds (Jul 3, 2002)

I agree with both the unlisted phone number as well as a high fence. You might also plant some fast growing trees between your property and hers (on your side of course). Being that is your dream home, you have a right to peace and getting away from an alchoholic would be a priority. I'ld talk it over with your hubby first and see if he is ok with your doing all this. 

OMG another idea just came to mind, though it isn't very nice. I might just keep that phone (just for your mother in law) and only have it connected to an answering machine that has Mil's voice on it saying all the things she has said to you. Her trying to reach you by phone would constantly put her in touch with her own voice.


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## DarleneJ (Jan 29, 2012)

How about a message that says, "Complaint department. Press 1 for dogs barking, Press 2 for rooster crowing, press 3 for Pigs oinking, Press 4 for cows mooing, Press 5 for donkey braying, Press 6 for all other complaints." Then regardless of the number selected have it auto-disconnect.

Even more seriously, you are quickly coming to a point where you will have to set a boundary. It is fair to tell her that you will not have or receive ANY communication from her once she has been drinking. She can choose you, her son, and the grandkids OR her booze, but it is her choice.

If your zoning ordinance does not prohibit animals and their noises, then don't worry about it any longer. Enjoy your peace and establish the necessary boundaries with your MIL. It would be good if your DH was there, but talk it over with him and get his input on setting boundaries with his mom. It is also fair to say that you are working on being a more positive person and because of that will not tolerate negativity. This will benefit your whole family dynamics, especially the MIL issue.

Good luck.


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## GoldenCityMuse (Apr 15, 2009)

Pray for her.

Set boundaries.

Ask husband to intervene.

Attend ACOA or similar type meetings.

Ask husband to attend ACOA meetings where he is at.


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## DamnearaFarm (Sep 27, 2007)

If she is calling your cell phone, they do have the capabilities to block calls from certain numbers.

She sounds like a piece of work, sorry y'all are going through this.


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## unregistered358895 (Jul 15, 2013)

My mom has been in treatment for alcohol and drug use for 20 years now. Here are some things that have worked for us:

1) When she's sober (if ever), be honest with her about what is happening.

2) Tell her you are no longer going to answer the phone when she calls. If she is sober, she can leave a message and you'll call her back. If she sounds non-sober on the voicemail then tell her you will not be calling her back.

3) Keep as many drunken voicemails recorded as you can, or at least keep a log of when she calls and an outline of what she said if she's filling up your voicemail box. That way if things do escalate you have a record of the harassment to provide your husband / police / whomever.

4) Give her a pad of paper and a pen to keep by HER phone. Tell her that when she's drinking, to write down what she wants to tell you. Then when she's sober, have her review the list before calling (This REALLY worked for my mom as 9/10 of the things on her list she would find to be strange or not understand herself).

5) Ask your husband for suggestions.


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## aart (Oct 20, 2012)

Alanon for you and hubby and Alateen(not sure how old your kids are). If there are no meetings around you, at least get the books.

I hope your husband is not denying/avoiding the problem. Alcoholism is a devastating disease that affects the whole family. Codependency can be just as devastating. 
Learn how to not be towed under by the bad behavior of the addict or any codependents. 

You might not be able to control the addicts behavior, but you certainly can learn to control how you react to it. It takes two to tango, and tho not reacting to the addicts behavior might not have positive effects on the addict, it can save the people around them from long term emotional damage.

I was raised in a an alcoholic/addict environment, so I speak from long time experience. Good Luck, Be Strong and Smart for yourself, your husband and your kids.


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## redgate (Sep 18, 2008)

Thanks for the tips. It's always good to get ideas from others. Hubby is totally supportive of me. It's just that we both feel his hands are tied from so far away. He grew up in a home full of alcoholics, has been to all the meetings, etc. For me, it's totally new (I was a Southern Baptist--we avoided alcohol like the plague! LOL!) It took several years for me to even be able to identify when his family was drinking (and I still can't unless they are totally wasted). I'm still working on not taking things personally. We pray for her. A big part of her issues is that she has mastered being a "functioning alcoholic." Most people, including her brothers and sisters are clueless (not for lack of her children asking for their help). They and her are all in denial and refuse to admit a problem. They encourage her, and thus she refuses to even consider getting help. So, at least for now, the problem is mine. I am just learning to use caller ID. My belly flips every time I see her number on caller ID, I let voicemail get it, and sadly, I still keep a too-tight reign on my awesome dogs. If there is good in all this, it's that she mostly avoids us in person, so we see little of her. The kids are all young, and it is easier to shield them a bit at this point. Funny how we envision things being so different. Here I am, essentially a single, stay at home mom, 5 kids, running a farm, getting things set up from our move, 2 kids in therapy, me personally with a health issue I have to deal with on a daily basis, and I had this idea that her living next door might be a good thing--maybe a little "family" assistance if needed, someone I could call if I needed something. NOPE. In reality, she informed me that she will not be "used" in any way. She never once offered to babysit (but if I so much as work outside in the pasture while children are inside, then I risk hearing how neglectful I am), she found out I had borrowed a tool from a totally different neighbor, and was livid that I would "take advantage" of someone like that. Frustrating, but as one neighbor told me one day, "Aaaa, don't worry about what she thinks. We've all learned she has her own opinions on things!" So while I don't have much contact with any neighbors, I know the others would be there if I needed them. For now, I am just aiming to mind my own business, be a good mom, keep the farm going till hubby arrives, and deal with each issue that arises.


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## danielsumner (Jul 18, 2009)

You have 25 acres, she has 5 acres. Tell her to go pull some weeds and busy herself. BTW if I was in your shoes I would be getting a couple more pigs and the Rooster Special from the Hatchery.


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## Stonybrook (Sep 22, 2007)

More trees, shrubbery, and/or privacy fence between your property and hers. Son't answer the phone if she is calling. Check voicemail and answer later if appropriate. Proceed with your life and if she is rude to you just tell her you will not be talked to that way and walk off.


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## BanTam (May 11, 2013)

Maybe the type of fence you need is a *privacy fence*! Ask her to pay half next time she complains.  ...or try recording your conversation with her so your husband and she can hear it. Someone mentioned setting your own boundaries, and that is important. Maybe saying something like, "We live in the country. This is what living in the country is like and it's not for everyone." Period.

Obviously, there are some issues in her life that are probably pretty sad which may be why she drinks. Your place sounds ideal, you can't let her ruin it for you and that is what it sounds like she is trying to do...make sure _you_ are not happy because _she_ is not happy. 

My guess would be that she moved close so that you all (YOU being the operative word) can take care of her as she ages. How old is she? (If you say 50 I'm going to scream!)


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## redgate (Sep 18, 2008)

Oh, she's getting older. I'm not sure exactly, but very late 60's, I know. After so many years of drinking, though, she's aging a lot quicker than she should be. We aren't even sure how much longer she'll be able to be alone. It's just unfortunate that she is ostracizing everyone now. It's gonna be hard to find help when she needs it later.


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## aart (Oct 20, 2012)

Glad to hear that you have the awareness and support, it's still very difficult to watch someone blindly steeped in alcohol. Hang in there.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

Soiunds likesh emoved hear you to have someone to complain about..hate to say it but she is obviously a toxic MIL. I would just ignore her, I ended up doing so with my inlaws now the SisIL's can't stand that DH has taken to th eignore button...LOL


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## SJSFarm (Jun 13, 2012)

I agree with those about VM and playing it back. When your DH returns, or even before, he needs to have a serious talk with her. A sit down as soon as he is back. It's his JOB to protect his wife! Even against his own mom - the cord was cut a long time ago.

You are a fantastic neighbor! Im sure any of us would be estatic to have a neghbor like you. You care about the neighbors and provide for your animals much better than many so-called small farmers. Pigs have 1/2 acre! SWEET.


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## BackfourtyMI. (Sep 3, 2007)

I agree with playing back the answering machine messages for her, also the notepad idea by the phone for her to write things on as to why she was going to call you about is a great idea too.
If those don't work, change your phone number & make sure not to give it to her.

You have 25 acres & it's your home, sounds like you have a great farm/home it's just too bad she has to be your neighbor. I wouldn't worry a thing about your animals, you have 25 acres & sounds like plenty of ample fencing.
Just ignore her as much as you can & have hubby take care of her when he get's home.

As for your dogs, they are supposed to bark, that's what LGD's do. Sounds like they are great dogs & doing what comes natural.
I would really be inclined to tell her if she hates living next to you so much, your animals, dogs included then she should really think of selling her home & moving because you have every right to have the animals you have & live the way you choose.

Sure hope things get better for you & your kids soon.


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## ChristieAcres (Apr 11, 2009)

There is a lot of advice about "Boundaries." I'd recommend the book itself, flat changed my life after reading it and employing the principles in my life many years ago! Life is too short to deal with the nonsense of others...


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## redgate (Sep 18, 2008)

I'm happy to report things have improved. Hubby has no problem standing up for me, it is just the distance that currently gets in the way. He finally called her and had a chat, essentially saying that if she called after 2 pm I would not answer the phone because her drinking makes me uncomfortable. He told her she was welcome to walk down if she needed something, but that she was not welcome to come if she had been drinking. He also asked her what the problem with the dogs was. She said basically "I can't even walk my dog outside because they bark!" He asked, "Have they come over the fence and chased you?" No. "Have they threatened you in your own yard?" No. Do they stop barking when your dog stops barking at them?" Yes. "Then what's the problem? Teach your dog to quiet down when HE sees THEM, and they won't see him as a threat. In the mean time, enjoy walking your dog all you want, as they are behind a very solid fence (not that they'd hurt you anyway) and you are welcome to walk your dog. Just know that if he barks, they will bark back." 

I know she isn't happy with the outcome, but she hasn't called about it since. She has made a few snide remarks here and there when we've visited, but that's it.


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## unregistered358895 (Jul 15, 2013)

Good! I hope that things continue to improve, and that she is able to calm down and just enjoy being your neighbor.


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## akane (Jul 19, 2011)

When we had issues with our neighbors we told them we would only communicate by notes on the door and would not answer them. If they continued harassment we had a cease and desist order written up to give them. You can get very legal looking document outlines online that you just fill in what behaviors you want stopped.


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## motdaugrnds (Jul 3, 2002)

... added thought: Since you have 25 acres, couldn't you simply make sure there are a lot of trees and thick shrubbery growing between MIL and yourself?


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