# Visiting in-laws: When it's never enough



## unregistered6474 (Apr 21, 2003)

About four years ago, we moved away from my husband's family and closer to mine. We have two children, a 16-month old and a 6-year-old. It's about a 9-hour drive to visit my husband's family with our kids. This includes the driving, breastfeeding at McDonalds, changing diapers, pulling over for emergency potty breaks - the whole shebang.

We visited his family five times in the first 15 months of our youngest daughter's life. At 9 hours each way this amounts to 90 hours of driving, or TEN 9-hour-long road trips with a baby and kindergartener. I think that we are doing all that we can. It is very difficult, because the schedule change also messes up the youngest child's nap schedule once we return home. 

The rarely visit us - maybe a couple times a year. Yet, when we go to see them we get berated about how we need to move closer, how we never visit enough - it's endless. The other day my husband told my mother-in-law to lay off the guilt trip. Her response was "I shouldn't have to watch what I say."

She then cancelled a trip that they had planned to visit us on our 6-year old's birthday in retaliation. This made for a very tearful birthday. They also refused to send along the Christmas presents that they had bought for the kids and us. They say that they will give them to us when we visit. 

Am I being unreasonable? How should I handle this? I feel like I am being demonized in this situation because MIL is the type that will tell everyone else how unfair and mean we're being to her. It crushes me that people may be getting a bad impression of me.


----------



## mare (Aug 31, 2006)

wow what a control freak--her not you. oh and very mature too. that is alot of travel time with little ones--if it was me i would just stay home.


----------



## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

I used to say that if I fell over dead my m-i-l would complain because I fell the wrong way. Fortunately, time, lots of time, and my dh's refusal to let her bully me resulted in a good relationship. 

I would suggest your dh have a chat with his mother. Tell her you can visit twice a year and only twice and that if she doesn't stop with the negative carping about it he'll have to reconsider even those visits. He might also point out that if she turns the family and friends against him and his family that there will be no reason to visit at all. Her choice.


----------



## Terri (May 10, 2002)

She is trying a power play. Plain and simple.

You cannot make an adult do what you say, and neither can she, but she is trying!


----------



## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

BTDT and there is NOTHING you can do. Protect your children from the worst of the nastiness, and read "Toxic Inlaws" -- it's a great book that offers a LOT of guidance when your spouse comes from a dysfunctional family.

I wish you luck -- there isn't much you can do, other than realize that you have to live your life for you and your children, and don't allow your choices to be manipulated by others.


----------



## Windy in Kansas (Jun 16, 2002)

Seems to me your immediate family has bent over backwards with visits, etc.

UNLESS their health somehow prevents it, chores, etc. I would issue them an invitation to move closer, to come for a visit, and then probably not go back until they have made the trip to your place. 

Your MIL behaved very childishly about the gifts. My ex's grandmother issued Christmas gifts with notes. My brother in law got one along the lines of---if you had stayed the extra two days we asked you to you would have gotten more than a pair of socks.


----------



## golden (Aug 16, 2008)

Wow, why would she do that to her grandchild, knowing how much it would upset him that they didn't come? I don't understand people like this.

My MIL is a real piece of work herself; she will hurt my childrens' feelings in order to hurt me, and of course demonizes me to others because I won't play her games. I, like mare, would just keep my kids home - don't play into this. It's hurtful and shows that she cares more about herself than her own grandchildren.

Melissa


----------



## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

Wow, she was willing to sacrifice the kids' feelings for revenge against you? Your kids don't need someone like them around, and neither do you. My 2 cents anyway.


----------



## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

Ann-NWIowa said:


> I used to say that if I fell over dead my m-i-l would complain because I fell the wrong way. Fortunately, time, lots of time, and my dh's refusal to let her bully me resulted in a good relationship.


Well _this_ is encouraging. 
I have one of those MILs, too. DH has done (and continues to do) his part, so we must be somewhere between the "time" and "lots-of-time part."


----------



## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

golden said:


> Wow, why would she do that to her grandchild, knowing how much it would upset him that they didn't come? I don't understand people like this.


Because she tells herself that it's not HER hurting them, it's Katlara and her husband causing the hurt. Manipulators are never at fault for their actions, they see their actions as caused by the person they're trying to manipulate. If K and her husband would only do as they were told, MIL wouldn't HAVE to withhold the gifts from the grandchildren.

We got to the point where we told certain family members to stuff their gifts, it wasn't worth the strings. Then we had a very open discussion with our children about those particular familial ties. We kept it respectful, but were clear with our boys WHY certain people acted the way they did. We insisted that they be respectful, but we wanted them to adjust their expectations, because the pain comes from expectations that go unmet. 

After that, gifts were a pleasant surprise, and never expected, visits were extra time spent with those loved ones, not expected and therefore disappointed when they didn't happen, and my children learned coping skills that allowed them to shield themselves against the nastiness. Today, they have a fantastic relationship with their grandparents, because they KNOW them for what they are, and love them anyhow. The expectations are few, so what they do get is always positive. When nastiness rears it's head, they know how to deal with it, because they're secure in the fact that we love them, and rejection (which does happen occasionally) doesn't affect them as it would if we'd built up the "must have relationship here at all cost" meme.

It's a VERY hard row to hoe. Very, VERY hard, but so long as you insist on respect and honesty, your children will get through it relatively unscathed, and so will you -- and that was all that ever mattered to me. Taking the high road never hurt anyone, but taking the high road doesn't mean standing for the garbage that others might like to deal out to us. I insisted on respect, and cut off any visit or contact that wasn't respectful. My children saw this, and combined with our honesty with them about people in our family (not covering up people's true nature, and having open, honest, respectful discussions, not vent-fests, with them) has allowed them to develop their ability to judge character, and still love people who may not be perfect.

Sorry -- long winded of me, but this situation made up a great deal of my life over the past twenty years or so, and there IS a way through it -- I just want Katlara to know that.


----------



## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

I didn't know McDonalds offered breastfeeding! Would that be one of the Happy Meals? 

I would send MIL a nice card with a gift card for a turkey and tell her to stuff it. 

Seriously, your husband has shown he knows how to step up to the plate. He now needs to swing until he gets a home run. You get to sit back and be a spectator rooting for him.


----------



## golden (Aug 16, 2008)

Thank you for the explanation, Tracy. I never thought of it this way, but it makes a lot of sense.

Melissa


----------



## insocal (May 15, 2005)

What a HORRIBLE person. IMHO if they want contact they can make the effort to visit YOU, rather than expecting you to always make the trek with kids, and all that inconvenience. Visit THEM twice a year and say that's all you can manage. Then extend a gracious invitation for holidays spent with YOU, or whenever. 

But I would be tempted to not even do that, lol. She sounds like a grade A first class b----.


----------



## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

Quote "Her response was "I shouldn't have to watch what I say."

This is because she believes what she has to say is more important than ANY other consideration, period. 

Seriously. Read what I just wrote again. 

To people like this, there is *nothing* they could say that is off-limits. Maybe not now, but eventually, they will escalate to saying things that are more hurtful.

I won't go into a lot of detail, but the response your MIL gave, that she shouldn't have to watch what she says, is almost *ver batim* what my MIL said after she made a horrible, absolutely unacceptable and inhuman (I say inhuman and not inhumane) comment the day after our son died. When I got upset about it, her reply was, seriously, almost word for word what your MIL said--that she shouldn't have to watch what she says and she has a right to say whatever she feels.

Yes, they may think they have a right to say whatever they want, but the sheer lack of consideration for anything but themselves is completely unacceptable, and should be dealt with immediately. As the saying goes... "it's all about them". What YOU or your spouse or children feel as a result of their blabbing mouths doesn't even enter into their minds. Or if it does, they blame YOU for feeling upset.

I put the ball in my MIL's court about 5 years ago, and I have forgiven her, but let's just say she will be the one who has to initiate any contact. I won't open myself up to any further comments of that sort. 

I agree with what others have said here. Good advice. I hope your MIL sees what she has done and how it affects your family and doesn't repeat her behavior.


----------



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Katlara said:


> About four years ago, we moved away from my husband's family and closer to mine. We have two children, a 16-month old and a 6-year-old. It's about a 9-hour drive to visit my husband's family with our kids. This includes the driving, breastfeeding at McDonalds, changing diapers, pulling over for emergency potty breaks - the whole shebang.
> 
> We visited his family five times in the first 15 months of our youngest daughter's life. At 9 hours each way this amounts to 90 hours of driving, or TEN 9-hour-long road trips with a baby and kindergartener. I think that we are doing all that we can. It is very difficult, because the schedule change also messes up the youngest child's nap schedule once we return home.
> 
> The rarely visit us - maybe a couple times a year. Yet, when we go to see them we get berated about how we need to move closer, how we never visit enough - it's endless. The other day my husband told my mother-in-law to lay off the guilt trip. Her response was "I shouldn't have to watch what I say."


1. He married you. You two, became one.
2. He no longer is under his mother or fathers roof, or rule.
3. You went above and beyond.
4. If seeing the kids is SOOOOOOOOOO important to them, they would plan more trips out to see you.
5. Good for your dh telling MIL to lay off. It will strengthen your marriage in the future, and this is the NUMBER ONE most important thing, your marriage.



> She then cancelled a trip that they had planned to visit us on our 6-year old's birthday in retaliation. This made for a very tearful birthday. They also refused to send along the Christmas presents that they had bought for the kids and us. They say that they will give them to us when we visit.


OH REALLY.....I am so surprised! (dripping with sourcasm)
She is punishing the grandchildren she is so quick to whine she doesn't get to see!! Tell her to go ahead and donate the christmas gifts, as you are just not sure when a visit can be worked into the schedule. 




> Am I being unreasonable? How should I handle this? I feel like I am being demonized in this situation because MIL is the type that will tell everyone else how unfair and mean we're being to her. It crushes me that people may be getting a bad impression of me.


1. Who CARES what everyone else thinks. Let the old goat gossip away. Trust me, anyone who has known her for more than 5 minuets knows she's a mean spirited gossip, and probably at one time or another has been on the receiving end of her poison tongue!!

2. SHE is trying to cause problems in your marriage. You and your dh have to address this AT ONCE and together, as one. He needs to let her know very clearly, he will chose you and the kids over her all day, every day, for her to lay off and fly right. Then he has to be ready to follow through.

3. MIL needs to realize that her son is grown and married, that she should spend more time being a wife to her husband, and less time being a busy body.

(Get the impression I have been down this road before?)


----------



## Jenni979 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm sorry... I have the same type of in-laws as you seem to...

We are also 9 hours away from my DH's family and they complain NONstop that we are so far away & they never get to see our baby, they are missing SO much, blah, blah, blah...

But we were the ones that they guilted into making our 1st 9+ hour trip wo see them when Emmi was 2 weeks old. That was a MAJOR mistake. They swore they would meet us ah DH's grandmother's home which is only 6 hours away. We got to the Grandmother's and all of the sudden guess who couldn't make it??? Yeah, we trek all over the state with a 2 week old and they can't make it 2 hours.

So, they FREAKED and had fits saying that sinse we already came 6-7 hours that SURELY we should drive the last 2 hours to get to see them. We did it but I have never been more mad.

They have never made any offer to come here to see Emmi...

...and the snide little message on the Christmas card saying that it isn't fair that Emmi is having to grow up away from her family... Pardon me, but I thought Emmis Mom & Dad were her family (and we are nearer to my side of the family so Emmi IS growing up near family, thank you)...

Oh, and when we lived 1 town over from the in-laws guess how many times they EVER came to our house??? 1 time, and that was the day we moved out!

People like our in-laws only want to cause trouble and they want to call all the shots.

You have gone WAY out of your way to visit them. I would be done with it, if I were you. If they want to see you & the kids they will visit... If they don't then it must not be all that important to them.

PS- I think what she did, in missing your child's birthday after already promising to be there, is just cruel & she needs to grow up.

Good luck!!!


----------



## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Katlara, don't be concerned about what silliness that stupid woman spreads! Others opinions of you should mean nothing.
Talk is cheap.

Man, how sad it is to admit that my MIL's passing didn't make me feel anything, but it didn't. She was a piece of work!.


----------



## luvrulz (Feb 3, 2005)

Tracy Rimmer said:


> BTDT and there is NOTHING you can do. Protect your children from the worst of the nastiness, and read "Toxic Inlaws" -- it's a great book that offers a LOT of guidance when your spouse comes from a dysfunctional family.
> 
> I wish you luck -- there isn't much you can do, other than realize that you have to live your life for you and your children, and don't allow your choices to be manipulated by others.


Better yet - buy *her* a copy for Christmas! LOL Tell her that you will visit when you're darn good and ready - not til then! And let dh talk to her after that.......


----------



## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

Interesting what a common theme this is: That of the overbearing, manipulative MIL...

Sometimes I can literally see my parents biting their tongues just to insure that they AREN'T this kind of in-law. But maybe this is just my perception? 
Do we ALL see our own parents as the good example??


----------



## golden (Aug 16, 2008)

I've often wondered that myself, ErinP, but my experience speaks for itself. I heard an old saying once, 'A daughter is always a daughter but a son is only a son until he marries' or something like that. I wonder if it's harder somehow for a mother to let her son go lead his life than it is for a daughter? I hope that made sense, I'm thinking on 4 hours of sleep.


----------



## Tiempo (May 22, 2008)

> 1. Who CARES what everyone else thinks. Let the old goat gossip away. Trust me, anyone who has known her for more than 5 minuets knows she's a mean spirited gossip, and probably at one time or another has been on the receiving end of her poison tongue!!
> 
> 2. SHE is trying to cause problems in your marriage. You and your dh have to address this AT ONCE and together, as one. He needs to let her know very clearly, he will chose you and the kids over her all day, every day, for her to lay off and fly right. Then he has to be ready to follow through.


Could not agree more.


----------



## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

golden said:


> I've often wondered that myself, ErinP, but my experience speaks for itself. I heard an old saying once, 'A daughter is always a daughter but a son is only a son until he marries' or something like that. I wonder if it's harder somehow for a mother to let her son go lead his life than it is for a daughter? I hope that made sense, I'm thinking on 4 hours of sleep.


_A son is a son 'til he takes him a wife, but a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life._


----------



## dragonfly65 (Sep 29, 2002)

Your kids are better off with as little contact as possible with her until they are older. My MIL is the reason we live in Texas instead of California. Our kids met her when they were older and had a clear perspective of what she was like. Now, my MIL is not mean or petty or vindictive, just very self-absorbed. She does mean well, but just can't get past the childish "I-and-what-I-want-are-the-most-important" attitude. Your MIL sounds more like my step-mother. As an example, she didn't send my daughter a graduation gift because she didn't get a "thank you" card for the Easter gift she sent. 

My kids could care less because my mother, sister and grandmother more than made up for the rest of the family. They never had much money for stuff, but called, sent cards and letters and came as often as possible to visit. So, if your kids have your family to spend time with, etc. they will be fine and much better off without the mind games your MIL is playing.

We never said much to our kids, just let my MIL's true colors show thru. If she said she was going to send something, we kept it to ourselves until it showed up (if it showed up). We made a big deal about the family that did show our kids unconditional love and played down the rest - at least until they were older and could understand why MIL was the way she was.


----------



## golden (Aug 16, 2008)

That's it, thanks Tracy!

Melissa


----------



## sherry in Maine (Nov 22, 2007)

Wow. What a jerk your MIL is.

You are not obligated any more. Stay home. Be happy.
Dont worry about her, sounds like a piece of work.


----------



## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

We had the same problem and it got worse when mil found out the kids were staying with my grandparents on occasional weekends and a week in the summer. Dh would never pay attention to what happened because he would visit his brother next door and never heard any of what his mother said. It caused a lot of fights between us and I finally told dh to go by himself because I wasn't going to deal with it any longer. We cut the visits back to once a year (and mil is only 3 hours one way, except on holiday weekends, then it's 6) and once the kids got older they refused to go. Dh didn't even see how his mother was behaving until a couple years ago. And yes, she does the Christmas gift thing too. You know what, the kids really don't need it. My kids haven't got gifts from their grandmother for a couple years now. She does send birthday cards with checks but the kids stopped cashing her checks a long time ago. 

I feel sorry for your dh. He is the one stuck in the middle. His mother will always be his mommy who tended his boo-boos, who cared for him when he was sick and who read to him at night. It's a bond that can never be broken no matter how horrible she is to you and your children. Cut back the visits but always keep in your mind that she is his mommy, even if she is the wicked witch of the west (or east, north, south).


----------



## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

golden said:


> I've often wondered that myself, ErinP, but my experience speaks for itself. I heard an old saying once, 'A daughter is always a daughter but a son is only a son until he marries' or something like that. I wonder if it's harder somehow for a mother to let her son go lead his life than it is for a daughter? I hope that made sense, I'm thinking on 4 hours of sleep.


I knew which one you meant, Melissa. 

I don't know if it's the daughter/son thing, though. 
To be sure, my DH's parents, as well as his sisters, think he married well below himself. 
But _my_ parents think _my SIL_ married well below herself when she agreed to take my brother off their hands! lol 
I mean, my brother is witty, brilliant, good looking, and devoted. But that doesn't mean anyone has lost perspective. He's also neurotic, obnoxious, and can be a royal PIA!


----------



## Ravenlost (Jul 20, 2004)

golden said:


> Wow, why would she do that to her grandchild, knowing how much it would upset him that they didn't come? I don't understand people like this...
> 
> Melissa


Me either. I would never do such hurtful things to my grandchild. My grandson lives 14 hours away. I fly over there twice a year and my mom, sister and I drive there for his birthday. My daughter and family drive over here twice a year...for vacation in early summer and for New Year's to have a late Christmas with us (they just arrived last night). 

I'd LOVE to see my grandson more often and teasingly suggest they move closer, but NEVER would I berate either of them for not visiting more often. We all do the best we can and I know these trips are a luxury they can barely afford. 

People baffle me. 

As for you MIL, I'd strongly urge you to not give a second thought to what others think of you. I'm sure they know full well how your MIL can be. I also agree that your DH needs to have a good long talk with his mother. She's WAY out of hand.


----------



## Jerngen (May 22, 2006)

We had the same issue as the OP did when we moved 8hrs away. 

After trying to be reasonable with them I finally sent a long detailed email (no name calling or anything) just basically outlining that if they wished to see our family they would treat both my spouse and I with respect. Our children were not to be used as pawns in any way shape or form. 
The next time they pulled a stunt, we were pulling the plug until they apologized and choose to treat us with respect. 
Almost immediately they did something not cool (another power play). We cut off contact. Took them about two months to come around and now we actually have a good relationship. We look forward to visits with them. 
My mother on the other hand....... I had to cut off contact for nearly seven months before she decided she would treat us with respect. 

As to the visiting issue we have a 1/1 policy up to 3 times a year. They visit us once, we'll visit them once. But there's five of us (three little ones 6 and under) and we will not make that 8hr one way trip more then three times a year. It's way to hard on us especially since neither the in-laws house or my Mom's house really has room for all of us. 
But if they don't come see us, we don't go see them. Simple as that (extenuating circumstances aside) . 
If they choose to come see us more then that, Fantastic!! 
We pull out all stops to make their visits as pleasurable as we can BECAUSE it's so much easier on us to have them visit.


----------



## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

Good for your husband for standing up to his Mom! I would simply talk to him about what he thinks you should do as a family. I would not play her stupid games, just tell her the truth-nine hours in a car is too much for the kids, it's not good for them to be buckled in car seats all that time, it's expensive, and they are welcome to visit you. If she is withholding the kids presents as punishment, I'd tell her not to bother with gifts. If your DH wants to visit her, tell him he is welcome to go alone.
We try to see our Grandkids as often as we can, but we don't expect them to drive to our house all the time and are always willing to drive to theirs. She sounds like an unreasonable, spoiled brat.


----------



## Leo (Feb 7, 2006)

> Do we ALL see our own parents as the good example??


Nope, I _wish_my parents were as nice as my In-laws. And pray that I won't be like them(my parents). 



> Then we had a very open discussion with our children about those particular familial ties. We kept it respectful, but were clear with our boys WHY certain people acted the way they did. We insisted that they be respectful, but we wanted them to adjust their expectations, because the pain comes from expectations that go unmet.


We need to have that conversation with DS, he had a hard time after the holidays when my parents said that they wanted to be grandparents to DS, but they could only bother to talk/call to him for 2 days before they lost interest, he was confused as to what happened, and really disappointed, I didn't know what to say other than they were in a bad mood. (DS is 3yo)

So hugs, and stand your ground for your family.


----------



## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

Katlara - sounds like your DH is a good guy. Let him handle the MIL. That's the policy here. I found out that a part of my family was harassing DD's husband-to-be's family just before and after the wedding (trying to find a way around necessary boundaries set by me to protect DD). I put a stop to that quick. My side of the family, my duty to deal with it - no reason the new in-laws should be bothered and feel caught in the middle. And neither should you or your children - but it sounds like your DH understands his family and knows how to communicate a boundary.

I do not understand grandparents who would risk the relationship with their precious grandbabies. I do my best to treat my DSIL like gold.


----------



## Topaz Farm (Jan 27, 2005)

Well, in my opinion I would let her keep those presents until it freezes in you know where.

It is so much easier for them to come see you than it is for you to travel.


----------



## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

Yikes, Deb! I would avoid that kind of drama, too.

And it would seem I need to give my parents kudos (again... *sigh*) for doing such a good job of balancing love and butting out.


----------



## Helena (May 10, 2002)

we moved over 30 years ago away from in-laws..best thing we ever did. Do what would work best for your own family. As the children get older perhaps the trips won't be as hard for them..otherwise, just invite to your home and leave it at that. Don't "waste" time thinking too much over it. Make your children and husband happy and enjoy life.


----------



## okgoatgal2 (May 28, 2002)

i guess i'm lucky. both of my mil's are good people. even though i'm divorced from the kids' dad, she is still their granny and we maintain a good friendship because we make the effort to. she has her issues, but she's a good person. so is my second husband's mom-very caring, very loving. my parents have made a concerted effort to NOT interfere in either marriage, and my dad has maintained a friendly relationship with the x, mainly for the good of the kids. 

HOWEVER> we have a saying in my family-daddy was in the navy so we always lived away from the rest of the family, so didn't see them often. as a result of us always going "back home" to ark, where both of my parents are from, and the other family rarely coming to visit, we have learned that "the road goes both ways" and we do not go out of our way to visit. i keep in touch through facebook, email, and rare phone calls, but i will not bankrupt myself to visit.  the family can come visit us too. we aren't that hard to find.


----------



## Minelson (Oct 16, 2007)

okgoatgal2 said:


> i guess i'm lucky. both of my mil's are good people. even though i'm divorced from the kids' dad, she is still their granny and we maintain a good friendship because we make the effort to. she has her issues, but she's a good person. so is my second husband's mom-very caring, very loving. my parents have made a concerted effort to NOT interfere in either marriage, and my dad has maintained a friendly relationship with the x, mainly for the good of the kids.
> 
> HOWEVER> we have a saying in my family-daddy was in the navy so we always lived away from the rest of the family, so didn't see them often. as a result of us always going "back home" to ark, where both of my parents are from, and the other family rarely coming to visit, we have learned that "the road goes both ways" and we do not go out of our way to visit. i keep in touch through facebook, email, and rare phone calls, but i will not bankrupt myself to visit.  the family can come visit us too. we aren't that hard to find.


I like this post!


----------



## oregon woodsmok (Dec 19, 2010)

That's some serious manipulation.

Here is the simple truth: You do not have to play. She's got a problem and you do not have to make her problem into your problem.

I would only visit if it was convenient, and then I'd be very calm and smile sweetly at whatever MIL did. It'll drive her nuts and save you a lot of stress at the same time if you decide that you aren't interested in participating.

Cut back on the number of trips and put a bit of the money saved into a present fund and buy a couple of extra little gifts for your children for birthdays and Christmas. Don't point out that there are no gifts from the grandparents and the kids won't notice or at least won't make any issue of it.

Don't count trips. You go when you want to and if they want to make the drive, fine. If they don't, fine. Score keeping is part of her game. Don't play.


----------



## Guest (Jan 1, 2011)

Might want to research Narcissism....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism

Narcissistic parents demand certain behavior from their children because they see the children as extensions of themselves, and need the children to represent them in the world in ways that meet the parents&#8217; emotional needs. Most often resulting in estranged relationships with their children coupled with feelings of resentment and self destructive tendencies.


----------



## unregistered6474 (Apr 21, 2003)

Thank you for all of your thoughts and insight. Someone mentioned that people like this do what they want and if someone doesn't like it, they get the blame. That's totally how she is. She will make a mean and nasty comment and then say "I'm sorry that *you* took that the wrong way." She never accepts responsibility for her own actions. 

My husband has made strides in standing up to her - it has been a long rode. He still thinks that we should make all of the visits if necessary because "it's the right thing to do." I am still pushing back on that. Maybe twice a year would be okay. I would rather make some memories with our kids and go on our own family outings, too. 

No matter what we do, we will never make her happy. We could visit twice as much and it would never be enough.


----------



## Elffriend (Mar 2, 2003)

For some people nothing you do will ever be enough. Tell them you've decided that you will be staying home for all major holidays and birthdays. The kids deserve to not be dragged from pillar to post on special days. They deserve to have the familiarity of their own home and the memories you will build of holidays at home. Because of the stress of traveling that far with such young children you will visit them once, maybe twice/year. Then invite them to make the great trek to come visit you. Tell them when the children are much older and able to handle the long trip you might reconsider, but for the time being you really can't handle so many long car rides.


----------



## doozie (May 21, 2005)

I dont even have Grandchildren yet, nor a DIL, but I can tell you I would never expect them to drive such a long distance just to please me though. My gosh, does she not remember what it is like to travel with young children? Sometimes just an hour long ride can feel like forever. Then factor in the gas prices now...just tell her it is too much strain on everyone in YOUR family to visit as your kids are so young and "you're sure she'll understand" 
As for the present issue, I would calmly mention that you're sure your kids will miss opening the present, and leave it at that. She already knows she can mail things to them, right? Really, I just wonder is her son her only child, are these the only Grandchildren? Does that somehow factor into her expectations? Maybe she is keeping the presents there, because she really enjoys seeing the kids opening them? Maybe she knows her comments hit a nerve with you, or maybe it is just her way of saying they miss you all? In any case, I am sure it is all annoying, it would bother me too.


----------



## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

My ex mother in law didn't even acknowledge we had 4 children. She never sent them a Christmas present, birthday card, called on the phone, anything. She never visited them, she never talks to them , nothing. Not a christmas card, or even a merry christmas. I don't think she has ever even SEEN my youngest. She didn't want kids in her house because they would mess things up  so we couldn't go there.

Did I mention she lived 1 mile away from us for 23 years?


----------



## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

Tracy R., you are Very Wise.


----------



## brody (Feb 19, 2009)

I agree with everybody above 
but want to add a perspective on the presents thing ..

I think it's kind of lovely to open presents when the person who gave them is present ... I wish we did that with the nieces and nephews .. sometimes (often) I don't even know they got our gifts 
We did that (waited til the gift giver was present) when I was little whenever possible and I loved getting a Christmas present in Feb, March or even May!!


----------



## nodak3 (Feb 5, 2003)

I agree with all the posters as to limiting contact with toxic inlaws and letting them do half the travelling unless illness prevents.

Just a thought re presents: someone mentioned gifts being withheld later in the year because the grandparents had not been thanked for a previous gift.

In that case, it was the recipients and their parents that were rude and in the wrong, not the grandparents.

It is never ok not to thank the giver of a gift, and if they refuse to keep gifting when you cannot or do not say thank you, that is a reasonable response. It helps teach the young'uns not to have an entitlement attitude.


----------



## Terri (May 10, 2002)

You live in Nebraska, I see!

That means that winter time driving can be icy and tense. Why don't you suggest that you guys do your traveling during the summer when the weather is more settled? It will mean developing your own Christmas traditions, but it sounds like that would be a GOOD thing!


----------



## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

Deal with your family, and let your husband deal with his. Sounds like he's willing to go to bat for you. That's good! 

OTOH, he will appreciate your efforts to keep the peace. It takes two to make an argument. Don't let yourself be drawn in. When they badger you about moving closer or visiting more often, smile and say, "Yes, that would be nice, wouldn't it? We enjoy our visits so much" (OK, you're lying through your teeth) or some such until they give up. Don't bother explaining why you won't or can't; that's exactly the sort of thing that starts the dance. Resistance gives them a foothold, while agreement doesn't. 

You're only there for a couple days. Be gracious and deliberately positive. Pretend you're an actor playing a part in a play. Whenever they try to engage you in some sort of verbal joust, steer the conversation in another, more positive direction. The easiest way is to offer some sort of compliment, because few can oppose that without appearing totally boorish. "I've been meaning to tell you how much I like the new wallpaper you put up in the den," or (if at dinner), "This chicken is delicious. What's the secret ingredient? You're going to have to give me the recipe." 

Keep them at arm's length; just keep steering the conversation back to safe, neutral, positive topics. Never let them see you sweat! (Take comfort in the fact that this will drive them crazy!) Eventually they will get tired of spinning their wheels, and find a different family members to take hostage, LOL. 

Incidentally, my mother was another of those women who liked to make thoughtless, hurtful remarks. At some point, I realized it was probably because she was "queen bee" in the household, and was never "called" or challenged on them. There was little risk personally for her in saying mean or outrageous things; everyone just rolled over and accepted them.

I'll bet your MIL probably doesn't work outside the home, does she? I think women who have to get along with others in the workplace learn to be diplomatic, because there are real, negative consequences to shooting off one's mouth! 

I discovered that when I began to challenge some of her statements, she would become flustered and quickly back down. I realized that no one had ever stood up to her before, and she was stunned when it happened! 

I don't know if it would be worth it to take this tack with your MIL, though. If you only have to deal with her for a couple days each year, it may be easier to adopt the "sunny, serene stone" attitude while chuckling to yourself privately over her antics.


----------



## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

Katlara said:


> My husband has made strides in standing up to her - it has been a long rode. He still thinks that we should make all of the visits if necessary because "it's the right thing to do."


OH, NO no no no. The right thing to do is to put his family - YOU and the KIDS - first, over his mother. Fantastic that he wishes to visit his mom so often, wave goodbye and let him go alone. Though he may feel his plan is "the right thing to do" - for his mom's sake - I fear the kids are going to learn that being mistreated by family is ok - since it's ok with their Dad. OK enough that he's willing to expose his young kids to a grandmother who confuses them with shows of both love and hostility towards them. And it's not ok that you are subjected to something so mentally, emotionally, and physically draining as those long trips, so often.

"It's the right thing to do" before in part because YOU were ok enough to actually participate at first. You gave it the old college try. Now you're not okay with it, and why would you be? Please, put your foot down and show him it's NOT fair to you, or the kids, even if MIL was Mrs. Wonderful - and it's CERTAINLY not ok to accommodate bad behavior. Seriously, your husband is lucky to have married you, because a lot of women would not have put up with what he is asking of you. You have MORE than sacrificed already.

I'm glad he's not at all hopeless like some families I hear about. He does at least speak up when he understands how important it is to do so.


----------



## ninny (Dec 12, 2005)

For people like this I have a saying: The Lord forgives, I don't. Especially if you mess with my child. Unless you have a halo over your head and can walk on water, my child is off limits to everyone except me and his mother. This means EVERYONE. I don't suffer fools lightly and anyone that messes with my child is a fool in my eyes.

.


----------



## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

7thswan said:


> Tracy R., you are Very Wise.


Nope -- just BTDT, and have the scars. I was determined that my children wouldn't carry those scars, too. These people aren't evil -- their own lives have dictated how they go about living their lives and relating to others. This is learned behavior, and if it can be learned, it can be unlearned. The kids just needed to be taught (by example) how to relate to these people without being hurt by them -- the biggest part of that was knowing why they were as they were. Knowledge is a wonderful thing 



willow_girl said:


> When they badger you about moving closer or visiting more often, smile and say, "Yes, that would be nice, wouldn't it? We enjoy our visits so much"


While I agree with the spirit of this (kill 'em with kindness  ) I have to point out that in some cases, this can backfire. Especially if your spouse is still in that "blind" place when it comes to their family. 

It's all a matter of simply being honest and open about your feelings, and not allowing others to manipulate you. I wish everyone who is in this position good luck -- there is a route through.


----------



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Katlara said:


> Thank you for all of your thoughts and insight. Someone mentioned that people like this do what they want and if someone doesn't like it, they get the blame. That's totally how she is. She will make a mean and nasty comment and then say "I'm sorry that *you* took that the wrong way." She never accepts responsibility for her own actions.
> 
> *My husband has made strides in standing up to her - it has been a long rode*. He still thinks that we should make all of the visits if necessary because "it's the right thing to do." I am still pushing back on that. Maybe twice a year would be okay. I would rather make some memories with our kids and go on our own family outings, too.
> 
> No matter what we do, we will never make her happy. We could visit twice as much and it would never be enough.


I can tell you stories that would make your hair curl (or go straight if it's naturally curly) about what happens to a marriage when a husband is too weak to stand up to his mother, for his wife.
I can tell you stories.......pm of course.

Suffice it to say, I have trained my son boy that when he marries, he and his wife becomes one. If I am 'mean to her' or "I hurt her" it is just like doing it to him........and he would defend himself, yes? Well he better do it for his wife. I have provided him Scriptures and Scriptures showing him his role as a husband.....and that he should take them, very seriously. 

The marriage is the number one most important thing. Both of you must guard it with you life. 
Let him visit...you and the kids stay home.
It's him she really wants to see anyway!


----------



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Tracy Rimmer said:


> It's all a matter of simply being honest and open about your feelings, and not allowing others to manipulate you. I wish everyone who is in this position good luck -- there is a route through.


Satan's ex-wife, is my MIL.
She didn't even try to hide the fact she hated me. Gossiped to bil and his gf about me KNOWING it would get back to me, say hateful stuff right to my face, or just start talking while I was talking.....like I wasn't there.

THEN HAD THE AUDACITY as we were leaving to hug me good bye and tell me 'she loved me'.
I never said "love you too"........I said "see you soon, take care".

She whined to my dh how mean I was that I would not say "love you too".
I told dh "I DON'T LOVE HER" and I am not saying it. 

I didn't flat out tell her, I don't love you, but she knew where I stood.
Soon after she whined to dh, she stopped hugging me good bye (oh Thank You Lord) thinking some how she was punishing me by hugging everyone else good bye then ignoring me...
It was SUCH a blessing.
And it fried her backside that I simply didn't care, and was not effected by her stupid elementary games!!


----------



## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

You've been given some good advice here--but I would check to see how long you are advised to let kids stay in car seats. I know when my DGSs were little, it was a 4 hour drive to my parents and we all went together , or sometimes my daughter and I went alone with the kids. We always stopped half way to let the kids run and play at McDonald's because the kids were miserable and the Dr suggested it. My parents came up for all the main holidays, kids programs ect. If one of the kids wasn't feeling good they would just load everything in the car and come up. One of the reason's the kids liked to go to their house was they lived a block from the gulf and the kids loved the beach.


----------



## badlander (Jun 7, 2009)

One thing this thread has shown me is that I'm not the only one out there with family from Hades.

I struggled for years with a difficult SIL and finally just gave up as my bro wasn't doing anything to intervene in the situation and was allowing himself to be whipped by her. You cannot make people behave the way you want them to behave towards you. In other words, you cannot force people to be nice when they are not capable of being that way.

My husband and I have been together over 5 years now, married almost 4 of those years. Not once have my family visited me in my new home. They are an hour away and travel farther distances on weekend day trips yet complain that it is just too hard to drive the distance to our house.

Suddenly it dawned on me. They don't come because they don't want to.

Enough was enough and I learned when to declare defeat. I hate that your children are missing out on a set of grandparents, but trust me, some day the grandparents will regret their behavior when the kids are grown up and remember that granny and gramps wouldn't come and visit them or send them gifts and as a result, are not close to them.

As sad as it sounds sometimes family gets along better when there is a lot of distance between them and little communication.Not all families are the Cleavers or the Cunninghams from TV. 

Sounds like you have a wonderful family of your own and the support of at least one set of grandparents. Enjoy them every day of 2011 and God Bless everyone!


----------



## unregistered6474 (Apr 21, 2003)

Thank you for all of your support. It's given me more courage to put my foot down and say no to all of the visits and traveling. 

We have not taken a family vacation in about 4 years - not even a weekend away somewhere. All of our driving has been to see my in-laws. 

Willow_Girl, you're right, she works from her home. Prior to that she was a pediatric nurse. Which is surprising, because she really doesn't care for my youngest daughter. The last time we visited we were there for four days and I never saw her hold my 16-month-old even once. She kept blaming my daughter, saying that she didn't want to be held and that my daughter didn't want any other interaction. I just shook my head, because my 16-month-old is a huge cuddlebug that loves people. 

Anyway, thank you guys for giving me the courage to ensure that things are different this year. Hopefully I can keep my husband on board - he stands up to her 80% of the time but she does get to him sometimes.


----------



## Kazahleenah (Nov 3, 2004)

wow. I just wouldn't go at all.
Then again, power trips don't typically have a good reaction from me. I do what's best for my kids, NOT what 'might' be good for my public appearance. Besides... chances are, most the people she spews her stuff to, already know what she's like.


----------



## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

My dh never had any problem with my parents. My paternal grandmother was a horrible mother and m-i-l and made my parents miserable for 50 years until she died. They were determined not to cause problems for dh. They actually went so far overboard that I felt they favored dh over me which coming to think of it considering my abusive childhood they probably did.

I know grandparents who are never allowed to see grandchildren because their children or in-laws enjoy the power play.

I was determined never to interfer with my children's marriages and think I have done a good job. Dh's 1st wife was/is a nasty piece of work. She would not let us be grandparents to their children. Never invited us to a birthday, school program, church function...never ever. Actually never invited us to her home period. We saw our oldest grandson and his wife for the first time in 10 years at my m-i-l's funeral in Nov. and they visited us the day after Christmas. They had a big church wedding but we never knew he was married. So I'm very aware that the problems are not always m-i-l sometimes its the other way around. 

Controlling, manipulative, abusive, obnoxious people are such whether they are in-laws or family or employers or fellow employees or even friends. They cause untold grief and pain to those who are unfortunate enough to be related to them or work with them or even know them.


----------



## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

be thankful your hubby stands up with you--mine doesn't. mil is no fun, either, and his saying was 'we just have to live with it' when i asked why on earth does everyone put up with her cr**. uh well, HE may have to, i do not. i feel very alienated when he rolls over for her, but stand up to me FOR her. 

i think you've gotten superb advice, take it, and let her idiocy roll off your back.


----------



## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

1) Totally ridiculous amount of travel. Put pen to paper and look at what an *amazing* vacation, college fund, or home improvement all that gas money/incidental expenses could buy. Well, maybe not until your DH sees the light, because you might just be sick. 

2) You know she is a narcissistic manipulator, yes? Respond as such.

While I semi-agree with WG's idea, I would hate to teach my DD's to roll over when someone treats them poorly. At the point she messed with your babies, I'd have been DONE. You don't hurt my kid.

Mind you, I had a horrible holiday this year thanks to ILs and their SAHM bashing ( I am RIGHT here, people!), talking over me, criticizing my parenting, and ignoring me whenever I directly addressed any of them. It rotates; one side loves me for a couple years, then they hate me and the other side adores me. Two sets of inlaws, DH's parents divorced and remarried. I hate it, because I hoped we'd al get along well, as I have little family of my own and they aare incapable of maintaining a lasting relationship.

I'm done. I won't stay in their home again. Nope. Never will I shed a tear over the way they treat me again. They want to see our DS, who they largely ignore anyway, they can initiate contact. And I won't let him see me steamrolled again, so-o...


----------



## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

Tracy Rimmer said:


> Nope -- just BTDT, and have the scars. I was determined that my children wouldn't carry those scars, too. These people aren't evil -- their own lives have dictated how they go about living their lives and relating to others. This is learned behavior, and if it can be learned, it can be unlearned. The kids just needed to be taught (by example) how to relate to these people without being hurt by them -- the biggest part of that was knowing why they were as they were. Knowledge is a wonderful thing


I agree. 
This is pretty much how we deal with DH's family, too. My kids are finally coming to an age where they can understand why we see my folks several times a year, and DH's only once every year or two... 
Grandma and Grandpa and fun, loving, good people who love you guys deeply. But they tend to forget how to respect Mom and Dad so we don't get to see them as often.


----------



## wogglebug (May 22, 2004)

One thing I haven't heard is the view of a major player - husband's Dad. There's a good chance he's totally in the dark about all this.

Don't leave him that way. He probably lets his wife run things, unless he knows they've gone majorly wrong. They have, but he doesn't know it. Let him know. Tell him what, and let him know what the consequences are going to have to be if his wife keeps trying to bully you. If he uses the internet, simply let him know the URL for this thread (and make sure you know whether he can access it without being a member). Be wary of the possibility that SHE reads all their internet first, regardless of address. If not, print it out, and hand it to him some time, some way that she can't intercept. DON'T MAIL IT unless he's got a private address.

Make sure you let him know he will always be welcome to come visit, and that there are plenty of places between the two homes that he would enjoy visiting (put a little time into researching this).

If you can trust your husband, suggest to his dad that he discuss matters with him, once you've layed them out. I'm not convinced that's best, though, as a boy's mother will always have a major influence on him - maybe much more than you as the wife may appreciate.


----------



## dragonfly65 (Sep 29, 2002)

nodak3 said:


> I agree with all the posters as to limiting contact with toxic inlaws and letting them do half the travelling unless illness prevents.
> 
> Just a thought re presents: someone mentioned gifts being withheld later in the year because the grandparents had not been thanked for a previous gift.
> 
> ...


You don't understand. They were thanked for all other gifts (that includes obscure things like St Patricks day cards ). And it is not acceptable to call and say thank you it has to be a card that is MAILED and has to be within the 2 week window that is "proper". Even if we were visiting and could hand her a card it was not acceptable. Even so, it was our youngest daughter's high school graduation and it was very petty of her - literally that is her attitude. You also have to realize that she does not feel it necessary to thank others for any gifts bestowed on her by family - not even gifts from her MIL (my grandmother). There is a whole different set of rules for her and she can be quite rude. Even her own children can't stand to spend any amount of time with her. My stepmother is the most unhappy person I have ever met and she spreads misery wherever she goes.

I would never think of witholding gifts from my grandkids because I didn't get a thank you card in the mail for the previous gift and neither would anyone else I know. Life is too short to be that picky and narrow minded.


----------



## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

golden said:


> I've often wondered that myself, ErinP, but my experience speaks for itself. I heard an old saying once, 'A daughter is always a daughter but a son is only a son until he marries' or something like that. I wonder if it's harder somehow for a mother to let her son go lead his life than it is for a daughter? I hope that made sense, I'm thinking on 4 hours of sleep.


I always knew my son would get married and cleave to his wife, and to tell the truth, I couldn't wait to have another daughter to share things with and do things with.
All either one of his wifes wanted from us was money. This one actually defreaded a bank and a credit card to get our money. It was recovered, but GFB refused to allow me to confront the DIL or tell our son. He said the bank or credit card could file suit against her if they wanted to and he would rather our son found out from them.
Dear son in law now is my child by another mother, He feels comfortable with us and has a ton of fun and can speak to us about anything, why couldn't ds have found a girl like that sigh...but at least she takes good care of ds, for which I am thankful.


----------



## Marie04 (Mar 3, 2008)

Ann-NWIowa said:


> My dh never had any problem with my parents. My paternal grandmother was a horrible mother and m-i-l and made my parents miserable for 50 years until she died. They were determined not to cause problems for dh. They actually went so far overboard that I felt they favored dh over me which coming to think of it considering my abusive childhood they probably did.
> 
> I know grandparents who are never allowed to see grandchildren because their children or in-laws enjoy the power play.
> 
> ...



Yes, sometimes it is the other way around. Doesn't matter who it is, learning to get along with difficult people is a challenge in life!


----------



## texican (Oct 4, 2003)

9 hours of travel... how far is that in miles?

I unfortunately have to travel occasionally with my insane sister and her kids... what should take x hours to get there, takes a minimum of twice as long.

I was raised to travel fast and far, only stopping for refueling, and while the truck is fueling up, you rush inside, put a burrito in the microwave, go to the boys room, come out, grab a drink, the burrito, pay, put the diesel hose back on the pump (hopefully, you timed it just right so there was no 'down time') and get back on the road.

After I got out on my own, I'd average 900 to 1000 miles a day.

Sounds like grandma wants to be close to her grandkids... could be like some of the other members MIL's who could care less if they exist or not...


----------



## unregistered6474 (Apr 21, 2003)

texican said:


> 9 hours of travel... how far is that in miles?


About 480. The time includes stops - we have to let the kids out to stretch their legs, stop for ice cream, change diapers, etc. I stick to the speed limit, too. 

She doesn't interact with the 16-month-old at all. She's better with the 6-year-old, but wants to do everything on her terms. We did buy them a webcam and showed them how to install Skype so we could do video chats - they've got no interest in doing that. We did it once and my 6-year-old loved it, but they didn't really care for it. 

Regarding my father-in-law, he also feels that they shouldn't have to watch what they say, so he's not going to reign her in. He does use the f-word and profanity around my kids on a regular basis, but I've given up that battle! I do feel like he's a little more respectful of our family, though.


----------



## TNnative (May 23, 2004)

dragonfly65 said:


> because I didn't get a thank you card in the mail for the previous gift


How does she know that a thank you card wasn't mailed and lost in the mail? If she has received thank you's for all other gifts and cards, why nitpick over one missing one?


----------



## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

Regarding my father-in-law, he also feels that they shouldn't have to watch what they say, so he's not going to reign her in. He does use the f-word and profanity around my kids on a regular basis, but I've given up that battle! I do feel like he's a little more respectful of our family, though.[/QUOTE]

There is no way I would expose my kids to anyone who talks like that. Since you can't make the rules in their house, keep all visits with the kids at your house. Your house, your rules. If your husband wants to visit tell him to go alone--it sounds like that's all your MIL wants anyway. 18 hours in the car every three months and they treat you like this?


----------



## clovis (May 13, 2002)

I don't know what you all are talking about with the in-laws.

Mine are perfect, are supportive, and would never say a bad word about me, especially right in front of me. They would never be disrespectful of us, overstay their welcome, feel like they should be able to referee or criticize our lives, or drive wedges in our family that could potentially create discord or arguments between my wife and I.

Wait a minute.

This is the baseless lies thread, isn't it?


----------



## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

I'm a mother in law.
I've had 2 mother in laws and hope I've learned from each of them through the years. They were both my best and dearest friends. They both passed on in 1994 and I miss them still. 
I don't have the same kind of close relationship with my own DIL. My goodness, she has 4 children to keep up with and I'm on a walker most of the time. There's not much I can offer her in the way of help and support, but I think she knows that DH and I will do anything we can to help out. We've been fortunate that they only live a few miles away, so it's not as though either of us has to drive for hours to see each other. By the same token, we respect each others' right to privacy and a personal life. 

and something to keep in the back of your mind is that if you have children you will most likely be a mother or father in law someday too. Season all with care and understanding and best of luck to you.:bow:


----------



## Topaz Farm (Jan 27, 2005)

Katlara said:


> <snip>
> 
> Willow_Girl, you're right, she works from her home. Prior to that she was a pediatric nurse. Which is surprising, because she really doesn't care for my youngest daughter. The last time we visited we were there for four days and I never saw her hold my 16-month-old even once. She kept blaming my daughter,* saying that she didn't want to be held and that my daughter didn't want any other interaction.* I just shook my head, because my 16-month-old is a huge cuddlebug that loves people.
> 
> .


Your little cuddlebug probably gets the bad vibes.


----------



## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

clovis said:


> I don't know what you all are talking about with the in-laws.
> 
> Mine are perfect, are supportive, and would never say a bad word about me, especially right in front of me. They would never be disrespectful of us, overstay their welcome, feel like they should be able to referee or criticize our lives, or drive wedges in our family that could potentially create discord or arguments between my wife and I.
> 
> ...


:smiley-laughing013:


----------



## calliesue (Sep 5, 2009)

My ex mil and I always had issues and truth to tell I did bear the responsibility for not following The Davis Family Motto... "If someones on you get em off."
She liked me more after the divorce. lol. I asked her four years and three kids into the marriage why as Christian women we couldn't get along and what she had against me . Seems she resented me because of things that happened when ex and I were in high school. She could not keep herself from talking bad about me where the kids could hear, though in her defense she did not realize they could hear.
I finally realized that she was the same way even with her own children. Felt like she had to say whatever she thought. and that her way was the only way. The right way. No boundaries at all. would even read our mail.
She would however not let any outsiders speak ill of me. She defended me when the need arose, so I think she really did care about me, and I know she loved my kids.
I think I will be a good mil because of the things she taught me. 
I know the importance of shutting my mouth.lol


----------



## mothernature (Aug 22, 2010)

I love my mother in law, but she has only visited twice in our 18yrs of marriage. Got one visit from sister in law (DH's family is 1200 miles away)! The in laws are far more 'well-off' than we are, yet we are expected to make the trip every year, and we always tried. We have not been to see them in 3 1/2 years now, and I'm not planning on going any time soon!!


----------



## AnnieinBC (Mar 23, 2007)

I'm sorry that there are so many problems with MIL's. I have had fantastic relationships with mine (more than one!). 

It's so shortsighted of them to try to create problems with their DIL's....I try really hard with my boy's girlfriends to make sure that we never have problems. I can't imagine actually WANTING to create a problem. 

I'd give up going to see them. Life is short....way too short for these kinds of hurts. Try to concentrate on your DH and your kids. They are the ONLY important ones!


----------



## bloogrssgrl (Jan 20, 2008)

AnnieinBC said:


> Life is short....


This is exactly what I was thinking.

Several years ago I finally mustered up the nerve to sever ties with a certain group of our family that was very manipulative. I haven't regretted it one bit. Like an albatross cut from my neck.


----------



## LadyJane (Nov 23, 2005)

willow_girl said:


> I'll bet your MIL probably doesn't work outside the home, does she? I think women who have to get along with others in the workplace learn to be diplomatic, because there are real, negative consequences to shooting off one's mouth!


Awww.....wish you hadn't said this. I believe it's much more about manners than it is diplomacy. We should have all learned to be kind to others and mannerly before we even reached the age where we have our own homes. I don't watch my words to be diplomatic - I watch them to be kind. In my opinion, the rude and hurtful behvior of someone should not be blamed on the fact that they don't work outside of the home.


----------



## Marie04 (Mar 3, 2008)

soulsurvivor said:


> I'm a mother in law.
> I've had 2 mother in laws and hope I've learned from each of them through the years. They were both my best and dearest friends. They both passed on in 1994 and I miss them still.
> I don't have the same kind of close relationship with my own DIL. My goodness, she has 4 children to keep up with and I'm on a walker most of the time. There's not much I can offer her in the way of help and support, but I think she knows that DH and I will do anything we can to help out. We've been fortunate that they only live a few miles away, so it's not as though either of us has to drive for hours to see each other. By the same token, we respect each others' right to privacy and a personal life.
> 
> and something to keep in the back of your mind is that if you have children you will most likely be a mother or father in law someday too. Season all with care and understanding and best of luck to you.:bow:



I agree. I've been a daughter-in-law a lot longer than being a mother-in-law. I see both sides. And I know for a fact that there are a lot of hurting parents out there who have done a good job of raising their children, but have become estranged from them for reasons that are out of their control, and do not see their grandchildren because of the estrangement. There are good and bad parents and grandparents, and often there are good reasons to cut ties, but it's not something to take lightly. The children are watching. If you did it, they might do it some day too. And it is exceedingly painful. I would not wish it on anyone.

The problem of estranged adult children is being called a 'silent epidemic'...


----------

