# How to transition to homeschool (long, need advice)



## Vashti (Dec 22, 2006)

My 12 yo daughter is not doing well in PS. This year her grades are dropping and she's recieved 11 zeros (for not turning in assignments) since the beginning of the year. 11 is an enormous amount for the whole year, much less for just a month or two! The other girls in her class do not get along with her. They all dress provocatively, talk about sex and act VERY caddy with each other. I know that this is just "that age" where the girls don't get along well, but I honestly feel that she is in a moral and spiritual quagmire at school. In the past two years, she has regularly come home and begged me to homeschool her on a regular basis. She would feel put upon by the other girls in the class because she dresses conservatively/modestly or because she has strong religious convictions or because she simply doesn't get along in their cliques. 

This year has been hard for my daughter for other reasons as well, as my exhusband has decided to move away (all but telling her that he's decided to no longer even TRY to be a father to her). She is taking it rather harshly as you may imagine, and has been depressed and has started having a bit of an attitude at home. I've corrected this with some restriction and the removal of privleges, but her depression continues. Now, when I offer to homeschool her she is no longer interested and says that it would be too much work or awkward to only go to school for sports or band. I was unable to homeschool her in the past because I was in the midst of a custody dispute (obviously I won).

My question for all of you kind gurus is firstly, have any of you decided to homeschool your children for moral/spiritual reasons - pulling them out of PS without their "enthusiasm"? I honestly feel that she would be much better off at home away from the risk of promiscuity and spiritual deprivation. Not to mention that I feel that I could offer her a better education because she would have continuous one on one attention from her teacher (me) and the ability to pursue subjects she finds fascinating. 

Also, we're all going to be "thrown in the deep end" as it were, and being very new to homeschooling (other than some montessori things with my littles) I'm not at all sure where to begin. I do have a local homeschooling group, but I honestly feel much closer to all of you right now - I've only been to one of their meetings, and I don't know those ladies very well yet. I do plan on asking them for assistance as well.

Thank you all kindly for reading my long post and for your assistance, if you offer it. 

Many blessings,
Janeen


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## halfpint (Jan 24, 2005)

I pulled my oldest son out of a Christian school when he had finished 2nd grade (but was held back a grade so he was about 9). He fought us tooth and nail over the decision. He was doing quite well in school, and had lots of friends there. We told him that we felt that this was a decision that the Lord had led us to, and it was a done deal - no arguing, however that homeschooling would be on a year to year basis and that we would pray about it each year. After our first year of homeschooling, he was adamant that he did not want to go back into a full time classroom situation. We did form a co-op, so he had some classroom instruction as well as socialization, and we were involved in sports, music and church activities.

I'm not sure any person's situation is going to be exactly like your daughters. It sounds like she is probably feeling rejected by her father, and home schooling might just make her a little more different. If you can find some local home school families to get involved with, it would probably help the situation some, especially if she could make some friends. 

If you live in an area where homeschooling is not highly regulated, it might be best to do a very relaxed approach for a while, to build up your relationship with your daughter and give her the positive reinforcement that she needs. If she likes to read, then read the same books and discuss them, go on lots of nature walks, field trips, do some unit studies on subjects that she is interested in.

Dawn


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## Sonshine (Jul 27, 2007)

Hi,
I got custody of a girl when she was 14. She had been in public school her entire life and wasn't doing very well. She skipped classes, got into fights, including with her teacher. She was very close to being kicked out permanently. When her mom died of an overdose, we got custody of her. I was already homeschooling our son, for both religious reasons and educational reasons. (he's learning disabled). When I got our DD, I gave her the option of homeschooling, and she was excited about it. But I was scared to death. I thought I would have time before getting into highschool curriculumn. 

The first year she was so far behind it scared me even more. She was so set in the public school mindset that I felt I was failing her. By that, I mean she would study to test. She did ok on tests, but didn't retain anything. Within the first 3 months of using Abeka with her, I stopped. I sat her down and just talked to her for awhile. I found out her interests and what she wanted in life. Then I prepared a thematic unit on those interests. After the first year she had caught up to her peers when tested, although she was on the low end. The second year we went back to Abeka and she did well. At the end of the second year she was at the higher end of the testing against her peers. She graduated 6 months early and joined the USAF. She scored high enough on the ASVABS that she couldn't have gone into any career in the Air Force she chose, and she chose secruity forces. She's already recieved several awards from the USAF and is now serving in Kuwait.


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## FannyMay (Apr 4, 2008)

Janeen,

I feel your pain trust me I do. We decided to pull our two children that are in public school out this year. For my son who is 11 but on a 2nd or 3rd grade reading level it has been just fine and in fact he seems to be enjoying him self so far. BUTTTT my 13 year old daughter is having a hard time adjusting. She had struggled for the last 3 or4 years at school with the girls teasing her and doing things to just be down right mean. She would come home every day upset or throwing up. She would be sick in the mornigs before she would get on the bus and as soon as she got to school she would head for the nurses office. She missed a lot of days because of this. SHe even at the end of school last year faked a fever and when she was caught nearly had a break down and begged us not to send her to school. BUTTT on the other hand now that the homeschooling has started she is not happy with that either. She does not want to be homeschooled or go back to her old school. She thinks that if she keeps on acting up we will send her to another school. We have been telling her she does not have a choice she either stays home or goes back. The first few weeks were rough, but it is getting better. We still have a long ways to go, but I am not doing a whole lot of curricululm with her right now we are just feeling our way through it and taking our time. This has been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. So trust your instincts and pray that the Lord will guide you and you will be just fine and so will your daughter. I know that is what I am having to do. PRAY< PRAY< PRAy and more prayer.


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## still_renting (Jul 13, 2007)

Hi. Wow. I identify a lot with your situation. When I was 12 (7th grade), I went through a similar experience and I can remember what it was like to be there. It thoroughly sucks. Twelve is such a rough age. This was the year that I started acting out, defying my parents, making friends with the wrong people, and became depressed. Luckily, my parents had raised me with enough sense and strength not to do anything that seriously compromised my health or safety. My mom was very worried, understandably so, and we decided to homeschool the next year (8th grade). I also started seeing a therapist. This helped me not only with the depression, but also showed me a better way of communicating with my mom. More than anything, I wanted people to see that I was capable of making my own choices, capable creating my own identity apart from that of my parents. I would say that probably one of the worst things you could do right now (unless the situation becomes really extreme i.e. suicidal tendencies, unhealthy sexual choices) would be to take away her choice of the direction she wants her life to go in right now. Right now she probably feels like she doesn't fit in at all with her peers, and being around them is causing a lot of stress. Being at school might be so stressful that it is crippling her ability to focus on her studies. That is a compelling arguement for homeschooling. On the other hand, do you plan to homeschool her straight through high school? These years are going to be instrumental in forming who she becomes as a young adult. Whether you decide to homeschool or not I would advise you to make sure she retains some kind of group or activity that continues to foster her ability to communicate with people from diverse backgrounds, work in cooperation with others, and socialize. For me, I wound up homeschooling 8th grade, went back to public school for 9th grade but found that I still had trouble socializing and working with people, and homeschooled again for 10th grade. All this time I continued to be involved with my dance community and trained as a dancer. These were rough years for me, and they were something I think I needed to experience. I don't really think anything could have made them better. As a mother you want to see your child thrive and be happy, but as I look back now, I can't imagine having grown into the person I am now without having gone through those horribly rough years. It's hard I know, but to some extent it may be helpful to remember that the best thing may not be the most comfortable for either of you. After 10th grade I was ready for something new and decided, with the blessing of my parents, to set out on a year-long foreign exchange program in South America. This was one of the best experiences of my life. When I returned I decided to take advantage of a program we have here in Washington St. that allows high schoolers to take classes at the community college for free instead of going to high school. Also one of the best decisions I've made. During these last 2 years of high school I really blossomed, gained tremenous confidence, and became much more comfortable with myself and more comfortable relating to people and seeking out friends I liked and had things in common with. In the wider world outside of high school, I realized there are a lot of different people out there and just because I didn't necessarily fit in well with the few hundred people at my school didn't mean I would be an outcast forever.

I hope this account gives you a bit of hope, guidance, and perspective in this big desision. Looking back, if I hadn't done that exchange program, the best thing for me would probably have been to go back to public school, no matter how uncomfortable it may have been. Remember you do have options. My best advice to you is to try and let her take the reins in this decision and let her know that you will be supportive whatever she decides. I would also suggest counseling for both of you. Since you say she has been acting depressed, and that she is going through some issues with her dad, this will help her work through those, give her a safe place to explore what she is going through, and help the both of you communicate better with each other. I cannot stress enough how helpful it was for me, even though at the time I didn't like it and fought it tooth and nail. Lastly, if you are seeing behavior that worries you (sneaking out, deception, making friends with people you don't trust) the best thing in my opinion would be to clearly let her know that you are worried about her, that you love her, and set clear expectations. Forbiding her from seeing certain people, locking her in her room, or becoming irate will only drive her further away. Trust me I know from personal experience.

Hope this helps.
Sonya


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

I would recommend getting your dd some counseling. It is really tough on a child to be rejected by a parent and she needs someone to confide in that is not her other parent.


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

I do not agree that a 12 y.o. is capable of making her own decisions. It may be that home and security are exactly what she needs right now. (and I think the counseling thing is good too.) There are ways to homeschool that do not isolate a child, and they still learn to deal with other people. It doesn't have to be an either/or. She can have her social needs met AND not be ridiculed at school. She can have her academic needs met AND be secure in her environment. It is up to you to make it positive by providing opportunities she enjoys instead of school if you do this. It can be done. If you feel it in her best interest to not be in school at this time, do what you have to do. Parenting isn't easy. Kids don't always like it when we do it, either. 
Cindyc.


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## Vashti (Dec 22, 2006)

Thank you so much everything for your help and kind posts. Especially Still_Renting...for your very touching and personal comments. I'd like to elaborate a bit on my situation:

My daughter has been receiving councelling for about the past year. It has been extremely hard on her, because her father sued me for custody, even though he never made any effort to see her or even call her (he wouldn't even return HER calls to him!). When they were together, he would say mean things to her and be just down right cruel to her. The councelling really helped so much, and we have been grateful for it's support for her. However, our councelling ended when the custody disput ended. Our councellor actually left the local mental health office, and they have an extremely high turn over rate there. I hate to put my daughter through the ringer again, by having her open her heart up to a stranger, get to know them and have them begin therapy with her only to have them leave and have to start all over again. She has also flat out refused any more councelling. We only just ended the councelling about three months ago. I plan to take a break from it for a short time (perhaps 6 months or so), and work with her just giving her a lot of love and support while she adjusts to live without her father.

As far as homeschooling, I really do feel that it is the best solution for her. I do not plan on keeping her locked up without any interaction with others, however. I have joined the local homeschooling group. They meet once a month with all the families and kids for a group day, where they have a series of educational activities. I am also planning on getting her some other homeschooling pen pals, and allowing her to participate in park & rec sports, and summer camps in addition to music lessons. Because of all the trouble with the other kids at the local school, however I am going to take what may seem like drastic measures to some. I plan on restricting contact with those kids for three months. No phone calls, or any kind of internet connection with them during that time. I figure that the girls at the school will get on with their lives and her influence on them, and theirs on her would dissapate. Also, during this time we would work together to adjust to the homeschool situation. After that time period, she may contact those girls that she got along well with and have sleepovers and such. 

I plan on enrolling in a yoga class with her, and spending a lot of time outside doing some nature studies to begin with. Just a lot of peaceful, relaxing learning to start. Lots of love, and letting her know how special that she is.


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

Poor kid, she has been through heck hasn't she? You know her better than any of us ever could. It sounds like you have things all planned out, and it sounds like a good plan. I wish you all the luck in the world with this situation. IMO, 12 year old girls talking sex just isn't right. I don't blame you at all for wanting to get her away from that situation. The only other suggestion I have is to make sure she keeps up with her reading, writing, and math. That counseling thing sucks. That happened with my dd twice. Just when you start to make progress you get stuck back at the beginning.


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## OrganicCat (Sep 23, 2008)

If she doesn't want to do homeschooling, she's a little too old to "put the foot down" on it. That works up till age 10 or 11 but less effective as you get up there. These are the years she'll start remembering everything you do, and small things will have big effects on the rest of her life. You could try counseling if she's still having problems (and they are severe enough to warrant it), but kids that age might roll into a ball at that point. Counseling (like therapist, not guidance counselor or religious teacher) is highly stigmatized and if you force them, they may become extremely withdrawn and you'll suffer the brunt of the backlash. Make sure it's something they want to do.

Basically, you have to start empowering your daughter to make her own decisions, because before you know it, she'll be out on her own and have to make them without you. Teach and guide her to make the right ones, but don't TELL her which one to pick. Mistakes are our greatest teachers


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## Vashti (Dec 22, 2006)

That is excellent advice, OrganicCat. I figured that when it comes time to choose subject matter that I would allow her to make a lot of choices. The choices will prepare her for college as well. I'm also going to really keep her busy with field trips and stuff so that it isn't just a lot of sitting at home. She loves cooking, sewing, chrochet and other hommemaking subjects, so that will be a good part of our homeschooling too. I plan on creating a lot of it to be around subject matter that she really enjoys. 

I'm also thinking of making many of our "field trips" to meet successful independant women. There are many women business owners, politicians and such that I could make an effort to have short meetings with for her. I want to show her that she is strong and wonderful in her own right, and that she has a world of endless possibilities ahead of her. Our local homeschool group has a meeting for moms on the 14th, so i'm going to ask them if any of their daughters would be interested in something like that, and perhaps we can work together to make those arrangements.


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## still_renting (Jul 13, 2007)

It sounds like you have some really great ideas that have to potential to really turn this into a positive thing for you and your daughter. I wish you the best of luck, and would love to hear how things progress.


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## Vashti (Dec 22, 2006)

We're doing a bit better. We've had some rough angry conversations, but the past two days have actually been quite nice. We've played and cooked together and she's had a wonderful pleasant countenance. 

We do still have some hurdles to cross, like she claims to no longer be spiritual and gets angry when we give blessing at dinner or when I discuss spirituality at all. She's especially upset if I mention that some kind of spiritual study will be required for her home schooling. I think that hurts right now most especially.

She's more positive about home school after making some class decisions. She's also actually a bit ansy to start it. I got my curriculum yesterday in the mail and we went over it together...it was a positive experience, so I'm feeling much better about everything.

I also left a message at a councellor's office to make her an appointment. This guys is a Dr., he's licensed and not one of those fly-by-night councellors from mental health. I think it will be much better for her.


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## Vashti (Dec 22, 2006)

Well, our first day went well. We started with English and took the Easy grammar pre-test. I was thankful to see that she needed improvement, and that I had purchased the right material for her. She swore that it was "below" her...but alas, the test showed differently.

Then, math. We just did a quick FreeWorldU unit that was very easy for the day. Today I'll have a chalkboard, and we'll be using a college intermediate algebra book. She looked through it and said that she's up for the challenge, so we're going to try it out. DH is finished building/painting our chalkboard and will hang it for us today!

Science: We're using the Handbook of Nature Study and the No Child Left Indoors nature program. She spent an hour outside (some of it with the 2yo) and took pictures of natural items that she found interesting. We'll use the rest of the week to look them up and learn about them. I purchased a used 7th grade science book on Ebay and she'll be reading out of that today.

World History: She's decided to do a unit on Japanese culture & history. So, we read all about Japan and Shinto, and she painted a japanese watercolor painting. It turned out gorgeous. Today she'll read a bit more, then learn about making nori rolls and help to plan make an asian dinner this week.

She did some copy work for about 15 minutes and some journal writing too. Today we'll be beginning Latin study. She's decided to take Tae Quon Do and Square Dancing for P.E. and those begin early next month. 

After school, we went to see a new therapist. He's a psychologist and actually is supervisor to all of Social Services here locally. He's a big teddy bear, and I think he'll help her a lot. We had a great week, but after the therapy session she was upset and ANGRY. She spent the evening continually telling me that she should be going back to school...it was very hard. God, I hope that therapy doesn't just drudge up all of this pain all the time, and not help her to get past it. Things are pretty tense so far this morning....she seems unmotivated.


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## harplade (Jul 14, 2005)

hang in there-I have a 12 year old daughter, always homeschooled and none of the issues that you seem to have but I got to tell you-some days are just tough with the hormones and the attitude and the learning to live as a young adult-I take a lot of deep breaths and enjoy the good times b/c I know the rough spots are coming back. But over all, I would so much rather have my daughter learning from me than the little girls she would be hanging out with in school-tough but rewarding.


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