# Living with a "workaholic/caregiving"....



## motdaugrnds (Jul 3, 2002)

....mentality at retirement.............

I'm thoroughly enjoying my little 6-acre farm with the dairy goats, an assortment of fowl, couple of guard dogs, garden/orchard. What I'm having the most difficulty with is my own mental attitude; and I'm wondering if there are others struggling in this as well. If so, would you be willing to share what you do (or say to yourself) that helps?

All my life I've carried responsibilities and worked hard to take care of others. I've always included the care of myself; yet I have ever been the last in my list of priorities. Now here I am 75 yrs old living alone with only myself to care for. (I *love *not having other human beings to take care of; and I've never sufferred from loneliness. So being alone is more a joy than a problem for me, even when the work needing done is difficult.) Still I'm finding myself feeling guilty much of the time. It is difficult to ... ummmm relax and smell the roses ... 

Anyone else experiencing this type of situation? If so, will you share what helps you stay positive?


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

I had to get over that attitude of always keeping busy and working. Then I had pain problems. Back pain to start with (My tailbone was broken when I was a baby and back pain has always been an issue, just got worse) and eventually pain all over. I had to force myself to &#8220;quit&#8221;. This is when I became serious about knitting. I would stop what I was doing and sit down with a sweater in progress. I became quite a good knitter, a master knitter and make my own patterns. So, I can sit and relax while doing something at the same time.

I have friends who knit for the neonatal unit. Hat after hat. I am in a knitting guild and we all knit for charity as well as our own stuff. At any rate, I suggest you get a sitting down and relaxing hobby so you don&#8217;t feel like you are doing nothing. If you want to still care for others, knit for charity. Veterans organizations often request hats so they can take the veterans outside in the winter, they may want lap blankets (knit, crochet, or sewn).


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Well, you COULD drive over to Kansas to my place, and bring your sump pump with you. I over heated mine. Yesterdays storm was beyond belief!

Seriously, though, look at your critters. Imagine your chickens in a battery cage and your dogs in a small yard with a 6 foot fence. You ARE caring for something: you are caring for your critters! 

Then do something nice for them (I sometimes give my hens alfalfa, and the dog loves his treats) and enjoy the difference you have made in their lives.


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## ceresone (Oct 7, 2005)

Similar here--will be 79 in July, A-Fib refuses to get under control since my ;bleed-out" and legs getting worse from my fall a year ago. i've been saying over and over to myself, just make it to the barn--then just get the horses fed--then, make it up front, theres a chair there--or you can make it, you can make it. Thought I was strange, till I read today that sometimes saying a mantra over and over makes it possible!! So-while I know I've never been called "normal" maybe I am!! Dr says I'm a "strong woman" daughter says I'm "independent."
But--I am caring for 3 rescue dogs and 2 cats, I make a difference there too. Managing 40 acre farm--and I just try to keep going-one day at a time. Guess I'm not alone at that, an I? I, too, live alone since Hubby died over 4 years ago. I garden, wish I still had my chickens--but they got to be too much while hubby was dying.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Trick is, place chairs where you often are in dire need of them. Then when you bypass one, you get a ribbon! (Kinda) I think you can often do more if you can stop and sit for just a minute before continuing on.

Mon


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## motdaugrnds (Jul 3, 2002)

Ceresone, I'm sorry you're suffering from A-Fib and that fall. You do sound so much like me. What frogmammy suggested is what I actually did. I built several "benches" out of the scrap lumber and have set them in strategic locations. And though I have often talked to myself in a similar fashion as you do, I know if I cannot make it back to the house, I will find something to sit on and rest until I can. (I use to have two large Nubian bucks that would walk beside me during such times. They seemed to sense I was needing support; so as I walked, I could lean on the one that came to help. Sad to say both died of old age, being 12+ years of age. The little buck I now have is still a baby, only about 8 months of age; so he is of no help.) Oh I use to have a German Shepherd who would help as well. I kept a "harness" on her at all times because she was purchased to be a helper to my mother. When she saw me outside walking slowly, she would often come over so I could take hold of that harness. Then she would actually pull me up the stairs onto my back porch. Golly I miss those helpmates.

The helpmate I have now was quite unexpected. Valentina is a 3 yr old Karakachan I purchased as a pup to guard the goats/fowl. Since my place is so small, she decided I was one of her charges. ROFL This got worse right before and immediately following my hip transplant. Now she actually "monitors" what I do, which at times is irritating, especially when she gets her nose right into the big middle of it...like she did when I was replacing a gate post recently. Still, it is a comfort knowing she's willing (actually I should say "insistent") to help.

Seems as long as I'm working out doors, I'm not bombarded with guilt. it is when I'm inside and cannot work outdoors...like during heat of the day or bad weather...that I'm having the most difficulty. I could keep myself busy, busy, busy even inside the house; yet when attempting to do that, it really isn't much help. (I still have my mother's and son's things that need to be placed in storage or given away to the Salvation Army; and I simply have not been able to do that...too emotional a task.)

Oh dear! I'm a mess!!


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## ceresone (Oct 7, 2005)

Iknowwhat you meanabout clearing out possessions. When Hubby died, My daughter was here from her home 100 miles away, and while the grief and shock was still with me, I bagged up all his clothes, new houseshoes etc-only kept a few items for his Sons--and sent everything to Goodwill in her city. I knew if I waited, I couldnt do it.My Stepson said the other day (to his wife) that he would sure like one of his Dads guns, I gave him our much loved Canadian Centennial rifle. I tell my Daughters they have the hardest job--going thru the last 60 years of my "crap' LOL. I remember a Doberman I has once that would stand up to my shoulders, and kiss my tears away. All these 3rescue mins do is make me keep moving. . But, each day, I'm thankful to wake up, and care for my animals.


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## motdaugrnds (Jul 3, 2002)

Ceresone, thank you for sharing. I do know there must be others in a similar situation to mine and hearing about them helps a lot.

I must say I noticed your signature at the end of your posts, i.e. "In life we weep at the thought of death; who knows, perhaps in death we weep at the thought of life." and it reminds me of what took place when I was on my death bed at Mayo Clinic way back in the late 1970s. It was one of the happies times of my life...and I began to wonder why I was so happy. 

After the transplant worked, I started studying psychology at a local university to find out why. Took me over 12 yrs of formal university studies, voluminous personal workshops and 2 hrs a week for over 5 yrs to realize I didn't like to live in this world like others live in it. Finally gave myself permission to live in this world the way I wanted to and my whole body got healthier. I think now that I'm up in years and living alone, I'm re-running some of all that.  At least I came out of it all quite healthy; so that (plus my strong faith in a God of love) will help me thru this retirement phase of my life. It is taking longer than I want though.


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