# She wants to take a break



## Warwalk (May 25, 2011)

I've been seeing a girl now for about the past year. Overall, it's been a pretty fiery relationship (fiery in a good way), but whereas the first 8 months were awesome the last four have shown a long gradual slide.

Several months ago, she began bringing up past events, but casting them in a negative light. She would do this somewhat matter-of-factly... like she wasn't poking, more just thinking.

Arguments began to develop... even when I didn't want them to. These arguments became earmarked in her mind as pivotal bad events - whereas to me they seemed purposeful attempts to start a fight. I brought this up at one point and it simply made her all the angrier.

Ultimately she said that she wanted to resolve things with her ex. They have two kids together, so I was actually happy for her (well, sad for the loss of the relationship, but happy for her - and especially so for her kids). But, she said she wanted to see me one last time... I said absolutely (heck, it's the last time, and I'd been a trooper lol)

But then she got cold feet even with that... asked if I was sure... I said "yes - of course"

One fateful morning several weeks ago we were texting our good morning hellos, much as we always do, when I sent her a text that would change the relationship irrevocably. I won't say what it is in this post, but will in another, as this post is already getting long. Bottom line: her view was it was the worst text anyone could have ever made. My view was that it was *not*, but that even if she felt like it was I had apologized profusely. It didn't matter... the trip was off. For nine days she brought this text up daily. Nothing I could say helped. 

Still, we were able to have some reconciliation. Sweet nothings and "I miss you's" were back. It seemed that things were well, but she said she'd need to take a break shortly. That she needed time to think.

So her birthday trip has arrived... but two ago she said that, in addition to all her girlfriends, one of her friends from HS was coming. It was a guy. She said not to worry... that I sounded worried. I asked if his wife was coming... she said he was single. And not to worry. I asked (and this should have been an obvious one) if her guy she had kids with knew... she said "of course not". But not to worry. 

She said she was finally going to ask for the "space" she'd requested awhile back. Ten days she asked for. Corresponding with the days I was off work from the oil field. She said she wanted it for clarity. I told her I don't leave for another two days though.

Currently her birthday festivities are in full swing. She went out with the girls and the guy last night. She told me *again* not to worry, but they were going out again tonight. And that we weren't really supposed to be talking anyhow but that sometimes it's hard *not* to talk to me.

So that's that. 
I'm thinking of simply blocking her entirely, but I'm also thinking I don't want to ruin a year long relationship over a bad period of time and a miscommunication over a HS friend. That perhaps I should simply sit tight for ten days.

Toward the one view: She was her HS class president after all, so she knows a lot of people. Also, she's very social. Also, the guy lives in the same city (LA) where her party weekend was to be celebrated, and it's not unusual at all for her to travel (she lives a few hours south in SD). It's possible he was just invited coincidentally after she asked him for restaurant recommendations, no? (her reasoning). Ten days isn't that long to wait, I should enjoy my time and see what happens at the end of it.

Toward another view: She's in all probability fooling around with him. That the argument over a text was blown out of proportion to clear her schedule. The only reason she told me at all was in case pictures came up. That the thaw just before the trip was probably more about keeping me feeling good gearing up for her party, and that ten days from now she'll be no closer toward the clarity she seeks than she is currently... or I'll get a "dear john".

The guy: 40, single, a lifelong bachelor. Nerdy and picked on during HS, but now very well off / successful. Tall and in good shape. 

People's thoughts?


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Sounds like a lot of drAAAma and game playing.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

Sounds as if she has a nice game going. I wish you well.


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## handymama (Aug 22, 2014)

She's keeping you for a fallback in case things with the kids daddy don't work out. She's still talking to you cuz she's feeling guilty cuz she ain't doing you right and knows it.
You can be sure that if she ain't cheating with that one guy she is with another.
She may have started doing drugs as well.
And someone had been talking to her trying to convince her you were a bad guy and she ought to leave you for them is why she started bringing up past stuff and picking fights. She was probably cheating on you from that point on.
Sorry if that hurts, just trying to give it to you straight. Good luck.


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## lazyBum (Feb 27, 2012)

Sounds like my first girlfriend. She wanted space. But, she wouldn't leave me alone. Trust your gut.


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

She's playing games with you. Sounds like she's been playing games with her ex-husband too while she was playing games with you. I'd say the past 4 months she's been wasting your time.

Is an on-again, off-again game player really the type of person you want to be in any kind of a committed relationship with? Clearly it will be a one-sided relationship. I think you should ditch her.


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## copperkid3 (Mar 18, 2005)

I've found that if when one comes to ST to discuss "matters of the heart"
in an attempt to get clarification in a troubling relationship, that most times
*BEFORE* the first person responds back......that we already know the answer.


Give her the break she needs .....

and don't look back.


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## Rick (May 10, 2002)

AngieM2 said:


> Sounds as if she has a nice game going. I wish you well.


I agree.

Treat yourself to some space.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

She's shopping for an upgrade but not quite ready to trade you in yet. Apparently you provide stability for her kids. Turn off you phone and go have fun without her.


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## Warwalk (May 25, 2011)

@everyone - thanks for reading through my quite lengthy post
@Laura - She's not shopping for an upgrade, tho I agree she's not ready to trade me in yet. I'm batting completely out of my league. I provide(d?) peace for her, but stability came from the other guy... I make huge money up here in the Bakken oil fields, but her guy makes my money look like minimum wage. I like the idea of turning off my phone tho! =)
@rick / @ copper - I agree to both of yall.
@Paumon - I agree with most of what you say... game playing, playing both sides... but I also think she's confused
@handymama - no drugs, nobody talking bad about me I'm pretty sure... if this girl is doing something it's her doing it - not the boys. She's crazy smart.


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## Warwalk (May 25, 2011)

If possible, if anyone good at debating can try to argue the other side... give me your two cents. By all means come up with as many arguments as possible to tell me my gut is wrong (and I'm really trying to look at this with a sober mindset... not jump to conclusions based off the heart, nor any quick reaction in the heat of the moment).


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## starjj (May 2, 2005)

Hate to say it but even a blind mule could see it. Your her plan B if A doesn't work or you are possibly her plan C if both the ex and "old friend" both don't work. If you want to be blind to it just be honest about it to yourself and take what she offers and don't expect anything more. In other words iof you enjoy being 2nds and thirds and can live with it more power to you.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Sloppy second and thirds should be enough for you to put an end to this,yuck!! :yuck:


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## handymama (Aug 22, 2014)

Is she worth the wait and see to you? Say we are all wrong here, and she's just confused or...something.
Is it worth it to you to wait around and see, with all those doubts you obviously have?
It wouldn't be to me. But perhaps I'm jaded. If something seems suspicious to me I jump all over it, because in the past, many times over, my suspicions were correct.
That decision is ultimately up to you. It's hard to listen to the head and not the heart. It's hard to acknowledge evil when we so desperately want it to be good.
Who knows? Listen to your gut.


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## Buffy in Dallas (May 10, 2002)

:runforhills:

Run Away!


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

Turn off your phone dude, and give her her space, and lots of it.
Ed


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Give her the space she wants and at the same time look for your own space to see your own life from a better perspective, never look back, always look forward.

If there is anything salvageable of the past relationship you will see its better remnants on your path ahead ready to be reviewed by you at a time yet to come.


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

I'm in the get out and don't look back camp. This is getting way too complicated.

OK, shes crazy smart. That doesn't always mean a win. It can mean the whole thing gets crazy complicated, and it looks like its well on the way.

Accept what good there was, while it was, and move on. Somethings changed, and it will never be the same again. You getting your guts, heart and mind all twisted into knots isn't a good thing. Just stepping away clean will keep that to a dull roar while it fades.


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree it appears she is looking to move on. Probably a little scary for her, I bet she has feelings for you just not clear what they are and hedging her bets to. Sometimes we get mixed up when we're mixed up. If she hasn't cleared it all with the ex let her figure it out without you. Tough love so to speak. 

Give her space, tell her you can be friends but until she is clear and not playing games you would prefer not to continue as you have been. Check back in with her in a month or so just to say hi and get a feel where she is.

Move on in the mean time.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Game over.


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## Warwalk (May 25, 2011)

I think that those in the "it's over" category are correct. It takes having a non-emotional bent to the whole thing to really see this. Part of me has wanted to wait out the ten days, but the reality is I've heard far too often of the poor shmoe that does this waiting only to be faced with *more* days needed... or to be told there's still not a decision. 

The conversations with the delayed short responses (because she's talking to someone else and doesn't have time for normal responses)... seeing her on but not available. These are problems for the guy she has kids with - not for me.

What's funny is the biggest reason I haven't blocked her yet is there's been this fear that by doing so I've gone and thrown down the gauntlet... that she'd accuse me of "doing something rash" at a time when she just needs a little space. But the reality is, if she valued me, I think that would be an alarm to fight for me. And further, she's already told me she's back with her ex. So it's his problem - not mine.

I guess what really upset me about all of this is is I feel like it cheapened what we had. But it also makes me re-examine what that thing actually was. I need to block her.


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## Warwalk (May 25, 2011)

Early morning update: I got two messages... "Took taxi and I think I left my phone in there. I feel more bare than n*ked. It may be pretty quiet on my end for a couple of days." "hope you're having a good night".

I think the writing's definitely on the wall.


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

What did she sent the messages from then?


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## squerly (Sep 27, 2014)

Go look in the mirror and see if you can find a piece of your face this girl hasn&#8217;t walked on yet.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

(deep sigh)

Yeah, it's done.
Classless.
I am sorry it took over a year to figure out what she is.
Cut your losses, block her from all social media and your phone...and move on.
I am so sorry.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Run like the wind and never look back. How old is this person? She seems to be a high school drama queen.


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## Warwalk (May 25, 2011)

@Dutchie - she sent them from her laptop, but I'd wondered the same thing lol. 
@Ardie - she just turned 40
@squerly - ouch?
For the guys: Have one of yall ever been asked, in a dating style r'ship, for that dreaded "break" and had the r'ship survive?
For the girls: have you ever said "we need to take a break", and if so what was meant by it?


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## squerly (Sep 27, 2014)

Warwalk said:


> @squerly - ouch?


I'm sorry bud, but . She's just not being right with you...


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## Guest (Sep 28, 2014)

No, no and no....my goodness...where do you land in the pecking order? Ex husband is first..then old hs chum is first...ooops..then ex is back as first...you've never moved from your dead last position..

Your choices, IMHO , are to:

1. Lay down on the ground and be thrilled to be walked upon daily
2. Grab your dignity ..block her number...and breathe a sigh of relief at being saved from this "relationship"...

Taking a break from a relationship because you're confused doesn't translate into having the time of your life and telling the guy waiting for you all about it..geesh.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Dude... she's just not that into you. 

If you want to play the game just to get sex then by all means play, but don't be all hurt and sad when she firms up her other relationship, cause in reality she already is done with you my friend.


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## Warwalk (May 25, 2011)

@Bostonlesley - it was your last paragraph that has really been the focus of my thoughts.

It's one thing to have this big birthday blowout - especially for one's 40th. It's another thing entirely to ask to cease communication, then bring a guy along... with all the girls (it was supposed to be a girls weekend after all) - but even then, perhaps for one evening would be okay... but then another evening too? And then, to say she lost her phone... and "won't be available?". Wouldn't one instead say " I'm going to look for my phone" or something? Those two days overlap perfectly with when she'd said I was supposed to be there too.

So yes - in total agreement. Everyone's comments are definitely helping me btw... If only to know I'm not being crazy or rash.


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## copperkid3 (Mar 18, 2005)

Timing in a 'relationship' is _*EVERYTHING*_....

She just doesn't have the 'time' for you.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

So say she does decide to be with you, would you be able to trust her? I sure couldn't.

She is somewhere laughing at you!! There is no way she has any respect for you at all.


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## handymama (Aug 22, 2014)

About taking a break.
Usually it was to try to let a guy down gently, make it a bit more gradual for him.
There were times we got back together, though rarely. They didn't last long either. Just from personal perspective, if I felt strongly enough that I wanted a break, then it was so bad in my mind that it was already over.
I was not a nice girl when I was younger.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

40th birthday? Good grief! I was thinking in her early 20's!

Mon


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

Warwalk said:


> 1) I think that those in the "it's over" category are correct.
> 
> 2) ...she's already told me she's back with her ex. So it's his problem - not mine.
> 
> 3) I guess what really upset me about all of this is is I feel like it cheapened what we had. But it also makes me re-examine what that thing actually was. I need to block her.


^ ^ This is your money quote. Take it to the bank.

First point:
Yes, its over. Letting it be "her decision" and hanging in limbo is not taking the initiative for your own well being. From my perspective, who friggin cares what she decides at this point, I wouldn't be available to hear about it by now.


Second point:
See first quote (I think that those in the "it's over" category are correct. ), why is any of this even a question in any way shape or form?

Third point:
Agree, whatever was there is not only cheapened, but gone. see above two points.

I've lived through drama in relationships. I have little patience for it now. Life happens, that doesn't have to be drama. This is drama, and is way up the drama scale. It makes you look bad by not dealing with it. Not that I know you, but anyone I heard of in this position and not making a clean break, I'd immediately form an opinion on their need for drama.


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## Tana Mc (May 10, 2002)

Ok.... I am missing something..... if she is "back with her ex"..... YOU are already out of the picture. What the heck is this all about if she is back with her ex???


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## Dutchie (Mar 14, 2003)

Tana Mc said:


> Ok.... I am missing something..... if she is "back with her ex"..... YOU are already out of the picture. What the heck is this all about if she is back with her ex???


Well that is what we all thought but apparently there is an old classmate, single male, who has made a guest appearance in addition to the ex


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## PrettyPaisley (May 18, 2007)

Always 
Always
Always trust your gut. 
Always.


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## Guest (Sep 29, 2014)

Almost everybody here(at Singletree) has at some time been in a similar situation. Read people's posts. Some struggle to get free of the damage, and move forward. Some wallow in the mire. Who do you want to be?


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

There are times when the worst faults are ignored in a relationship and others when the most trivial issue is blown out of proportion (BOOP). When you see the BOOPs, you know the person, whether they realize it or not, is demonizing you getting ready to justify something, such as a breakup or cheating, that's not in your best interests from their viewpoint.

The writing's on the wall.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Sorry
Not a winner


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## hawgsquatch (May 11, 2014)

I am sorry for your pain my friend.

If it is any consolation,being dumped by someone who assigns themselves no value is not being dumped, but rather being freed.


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## Vickie44 (Jul 27, 2010)

Tell her YOU need a break and turn off your phone.


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## Vickie44 (Jul 27, 2010)

She called you " Cutie" , like you're a toy or a puppy!


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

That would even be a bigger red flag, her not seeing anything wrong with what she is doing.


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## Warwalk (May 25, 2011)

Several of my friends have commented on how she went very quickly from being dismissive to being apologetic. How, for such a fiery person, her first words out were "why cutie?"... rather than "what the heck??". Her comments about it being very sudden... None of it smacked of truth.

We'd been drifting apart for months. I could do no right... a single comment dismantling everything. The digs. The off-handed comments. And then the trip. New guy, out with the girls... and then again... and then the lost phone (a top excuse one uses when they're about to fool around) and "she'd be absent for a couple days". 

As many of y'all had said, I would have sat there like a knob... waiting to burn my money, $2000 at a time, for a trip to be second fiddle. Whether it was or wasn't as it appeared, it served as catalyst for resolving something that should have been resolved a long time ago. Denial is a powerful thing, but in the end, with everything pushed hard against my nose, even I couldn't deny it. And I acted. It's bittersweet, but at least it's real now.


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## Vickie44 (Jul 27, 2010)

You made the right decision, this might have gone on for years .


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## Warwalk (May 25, 2011)

@Darren - You make very good points. There sometimes comes a time in a relationship where the "other" will begin to pick apart all the actions the other has done. It can start with a casual aside... something seemingly innocent about an event long since passed. Or about some particular action a person does... Just something with a slightly negative bent.

But then it continues... there's something else that person does (or doesn't do). The good is glossed over. And the relationship begins to slide.

Fights seem more prevalent. Fighting back simply escalates the situation - failing to fight encourages disrespect and long unpleasant moments waiting for the berating to end.

And then "the break". It's pretty self explanatory. Things are on the downhill run at this point. The game is over and people are filing toward the exits. All the bad memories frozen in place. All that could have been worked out is instead left there, in a big stinking pile. As though somehow after the fact that pile will be magically gone. 

I'm glad I did what I did. It still hurts, but I'm glad I did it.


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## handymama (Aug 22, 2014)

Yea, she should have went off like a firecracker and flipped out. She knew she was doing wrong. Probably half expecting it too, or she wouldn't have started sweet talking you so quick. 
Her little oh yeah, when you said you would have been there was almost like she was saying don't remind me.
I wouldn't be sad. I'd be madder than heck if I were you. But I'm sorry you got hurt.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Wow.....um, blocking and removing from social media is a brilliant idea.
Sending one last message that she is no longer welcome on your property / place of business, etc should seal the deal you are not kidding.

Yikes man.
Sorry.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

It's been a while since you dropped in warwalk. How are things in the Bakken? Crazy as ever, I'm sure.

Your asking advice about women, and I have very little to none. I have reestablished priorities regarding them, but that doesn't mean much either, since they're mine. 

They have to be honest in all things! 

They have to be a good person! 

If they don't exhibit both of these qualities... I can walk away, cuz I love myself. Even with all of the faults I have, I still enjoy my own company and sometimes prefer it! 

There are game players in both sexes, but my life isn't a game, and I live it with my own rules. I think they're fair.

You will live yours under your rules as well.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

Sorry... warwalk, I didn't read thru the thread.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

Sorry you're having to go through this, but glad to see that you were able to make the break.

Did you get her blocked?


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## CajunSunshine (Apr 24, 2007)

Warwalk said:


> .... The game is over and people are filing toward the exits. All the bad memories frozen in place. All that could have been worked out is instead left there, in a _*big stinking pile*_. As though somehow after the fact that pile will be magically gone. ......
> 
> I'm glad I did what I did. It still hurts, but I'm glad I did it.


That big stinking pile is good fertilizer for your garden of experience, so 'taint all bad! Glad you escaped the herd of future drama llamas that is sure to stampede ahead of this woman, everywhere she goes. 

I have a feeling this critter is a perennially fickle heartbreaker. And when she tires of the green grass she is romping in, she may try to (hopefully not) appeal to your better nature again. 

Just don't look back, unless you are comfortable with shoveling lots more manure from a drama llama.




.


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## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Warwalk, this passage is from a meditation book that I read daily.
I thought of you. (and it certainly applies to me too!)


Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?
&#8212;Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

We choose the lives we lead. We choose sadness or happiness; success for failure; dread or excited anticipation. Whether or not we are conscious of our choices, we are making them every moment.

Accepting full responsibility for our actions is one of the requirements of maturity. Not always the easiest thing to do, but necessary to our further development. An unexpected benefit of accepting our responsibility is that it heightens our awareness of personal power. Our well being is within our power. Happiness is within our power. Our attitude about any condition, present or future, is within our power, if we take it.

Life is "doing unto us" only what we allow. And it will favor us with whatever we choose. If we look for excitement, we'll find it. We can search out the positive in any experience. All situations present seeds of new understanding, if we are open to them. Our responses to the events around us determine whatever meaning life offers. We are in control of our outlook. And our outlook decides our future.

This day is mine, fully, to delight in - or to dread. The decision is always mine.


I hope you get some comfort from these words.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Well said roadless


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## Trainwrek (Aug 23, 2014)

Don't walk, RUN from this woman. She's a toxic, dangerous person. She has kids with one guy, she is playing around with you on the side, and sounds like now she's playing around with somebody else. 

Just be glad your not the fool who had kids with this thing, that poor sap CAN'T get away.


BTW her text responses sound really slimy.


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## Warwalk (May 25, 2011)

I think what can be tough for a person in that situation is that *they're* still in the relationship... they see that the other person is gone (or nearly gone), but they wish so much for the relationship to continue that they go through denial... either that, or they try to *fix* themselves... to fix the myriad of issues that once didn't exist, and all of a sudden do.

Now, there's nothing wrong with self betterment. Nothing wrong with being open to critiquing and criticism. It's when it's a uni-directional sort of thing. When it's simply non-stop. When defending one's self just begets more fighting, and not defending one's self begets a verbal assault that can last for 30 minutes, only to be renewed again that very afternoon.


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

That kind of verbal combat is uncalled for. That's evidence right there of a toxic relationship. That, snide remarks and name calling have no place in a relationship. That's the reason you watch how your new "other" interacts with other people. They'll treat you the same way at some point.


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## Trainwrek (Aug 23, 2014)

Just thank your lucky stars you found out now, and not after you had made some kind of permanent commitment to this person. You sir, just dodged a major bullet.

When you find someone with a little more class you'll look back and say "whew, glad I got out of that one".


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> When you find someone with a little more class you'll look back and say "whew, glad I got out of that one".


Why did that make me think of ...?

"I've upped my standards. Now up yours!" ound:


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