# Question



## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

I have been on a couple of dates in the past year. And we had a lot in common, same personality, same needs, work ethics we had tons of fun laughing, communicating and they both tell me I'm real, and they like that.

However both men went back to their exes, after complaining that they are to high maintenence, caused too much drama, mean, spiteful, and had no goals besides getting what they could out of them. 

Why do they do that?


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

I wish I had an answer for you....hoping someone does, I would like to know why men do the things they do!


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## TRellis (Sep 16, 2013)

A possibility may be ...

"The devil that you know may be better than the devil that you don't?"

I have heard some say this about why they went back to their exes.

TRellis


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

Maybe cheaper than divorce? :shrug:


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## NoClue (Jan 22, 2007)

Loyalty, obligation, or history are possibilities

Speaking personally, though, once you get the title 'ex', there's no going back.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

I am the same Noclue, there is no going back. 
Its seems no one wants to move forward and have a possibly good life with another, cause they keep going back to what they know. Maybe there's some truth in what Trellis is saying.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Losing half their stuff, including their retirement seems to be the motivator for many men to stay married and work it out with their "Wicked Witch of the West." Also, "Separated" can mean just about anything from waiting for the judge's signature on final decree to still in the home and POed at her.

Men with this status usually aren't emotionally available for long term relationships.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

I am starting to think that men just like crazy and drama.


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## starjj (May 2, 2005)

Fear of the unknown. It is not surprising. Many women stay in a bad marriages because it is what they "know". it is the same with men.

I knew a woman that was married for many years. They divorced (both their choice) and she dated for like 8 years. She ended up going back to him and they remarried. HGe had remarried and been divorced in the years they were apart. Last I knew they were still happy.


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

I am sorry that they treated you this way. Sounds to me that they just were not"painting the whole picture",when describing their situation.I have always wondered about others "ex's". Are they vindictive,angry,homicidal? Or is it totally over? When someone does you like this,it makes it even harder to "Trust".


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Also realize some men using this status won't jump ship without a life boat. We call them Cheaters.


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## Cornhusker (Mar 20, 2003)

Men, like women, sometimes get attached to people who are bad for them, and cling to the "good" times while trying to justify the bad.
Women can be abusive and manipulative as well as a man can, knowing some men have the need to be the protector and provider, they use that.
The man may want out of the relationship, but if she convinces him all the problems are his fault, instinct kicks in and he's right back in there trying to fix things.
We men ain't that smart sometimes.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Cornhusker said:


> Men, like women, sometimes get attached to people who are bad for them, and cling to the "good" times while trying to justify the bad.
> Women can be abusive and manipulative as well as a man can, knowing some men have the need to be the protector and provider, they use that.
> The man may want out of the relationship, but if she convinces him all the problems are his fault, instinct kicks in and he's right back in there trying to fix things.
> We men ain't that smart sometimes.


Your comment made a ton of sense, as well as others who posted, but this one seemed real honest. Thank you.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I think you got it JJ and Husker


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

And yes Tom, it makes me not trust myself


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

If children are involved it could make a difference. I took my ex back the first time she left so I could get my daughter back. I would do anything to keep my little girl. When ex left the second time, I helped her pack and move. Little girl had grown up then. I continued to stay in the marriage because I got it in mind that I had said for better or worse. No one was happy then either. 
BTW Fowler, I won't be taking her back again, her wife probably wouldn't like it.
Ed


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## viggie (Jul 17, 2009)

I've only dated 4 men seriously. After almost 2 years one got moody and depressed for a week and broke up with me (at work, on messenger...it was so out of the blue and upsetting I went home sick). When I got a chance to ask what happened so I knew what I was doing wrong his feedback was basically that he didn't think I cared because I didn't try to tell him what to do. 

His next girlfriend controlled everything he did and moved in right away and all he ever did was complain about it, but for some reason it made him feel loved.

Everyone has their love language I guess. But I respected him too much to treat him like a child and try to control what he says or does.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Ya know, this is a very good question and one I seriously wonder as well. Seriously. Here is why... 

Kids dad slept with his first ex wife after getting together with me. They also had history together and had I known this, we would never have married. 

Second marriage, my x husband also married his first wife TWICE and then called me the f'n b word when I didn't want to go and spend the week at his x wife's house when their daughter got married. He told our marriage counselor at that point he knew it was over for us. The marriage counselor pretty much told him straight up how that should have worked out. 

The guy that I dated on and off for nine years after my divorce and I became engaged. Then he brought home his ex girlfriend that he had dated before he and I got together and you guessed it. They slept together. 

So what in the heck is going on with all that and what is it with x wife's or girlfriends that they can never quite get past who knows what???


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Were they properly divorced or just informally separated? Did they tell you they were in the process of a divorce but the divorce was not final yet?

Could be they were just cheating. Could be they going through a bad patch in the marriage and wanted a break to see if the grass was greener somewhere else.

I would never go back to an ex. Maybe if we had young kids I would, just for the kids sake.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Properly divorced, informally separated would make me the mistress and I am no mans mistress.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Men lie, and kids take priority, and women will use them to get what they want.

They say divorced, but do you really know? They say they will never go back to that, but they do. How do you know you wernt a mistress? I take people at face value, because I am too honest and up front. You can trust my word, thats really all I have and I expect the same which seems to be my down fall. I trust what people tell me to be true. Then I get the text that says they went back to their exe. And stay sweet. Why? why should I "stay sweet"? Like I stated mean women get the men, good women get dumped.


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

Miss Fowler,I can understand having a hard time trusting ourselves, it's the "other parties",that I tend to have a slight difficulty with. And I really do try to see the "good",in people,and situations. I don't think that it's just men,or just women.I think it's "just people". Really makes you think twice(or even three times),before putting your Heart out there.


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0N17KILNSS0[/ame]


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Tom I completely relate to you, I dont trust my own radar, I think its broke. Or people are just better at deceiving. I wont change who I am and its my nature to trust face value. But its feels like its changing me, and I dont like it.


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

dont you dare change....you keep being a glowing lighting bug in texas living and loving life as best you can.


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## Twp.Tom (Dec 29, 2010)

There will always be liars,cheaters,undesirables-we've got no control over that. But Me,Myself,and I, am a work in progress,constantly changing,evolving. I want to "grow"(intellectually,that is*).Does'nt everyone strive to do better? Love,and emotions require that you take chances-I just do the best I can. It helps me sleep good at night*


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

The adventure of a new relationship with a new woman is better then going back to an ex.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

viggie said:


> I've only dated 4 men seriously. After almost 2 years one got moody and depressed for a week and broke up with me (at work, on messenger...it was so out of the blue and upsetting I went home sick). When I got a chance to ask what happened so I knew what I was doing wrong his feedback was basically that he didn't think I cared because I didn't try to tell him what to do.
> 
> His next girlfriend controlled everything he did and moved in right away and all he ever did was complain about it, but for some reason it made him feel loved.
> 
> Everyone has their love language I guess. But I respected him too much to treat him like a child and try to control what he says or does.


Some women like to be controlled also.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

We all don't DO that. The question you should have asked them is why THEY did that. And i believe asking them at the time would have been appropriate. 

If that happens to you often maybe your selection process somehow favors "ex lovers". :fussin:

I personally am trying to change up my selection process to exclude cheaters, party girls and women that constantly are "upgrading".:Bawling:

I still believe it only takes one right one to make the wrong ones worth it!:clap:

Here's a revelation for you, we believe we are the ones picking the wrong ones. When in reality perhaps its them picking the right ones for their "agenda" (sucky idea, but perhaps true)gre:

Having fun with the smiley faces. LOL


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

Another member of the "once an ex, always an ex" club. I hear of people (not just men) doing this all the time and I don't understand it. Chances are, they probably don't either. Just thank your lucky stars you dodged those particular bullets and move on. They obviously didn't deserve the fantastic that is you


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

You don't need to change YOU, you only need to change your filters and how you do things. 

Most of the "separated" men, when asked to define their level of separation, admitted they were still living with their spouse with no papers filed. But he's done. Dude, nothing says Done like being served with divorce papers and order to vacate.

I also found out two of the men who liked to occupy my time in town, and who started sitting down at my table in the coffee shop, are in fact married. Amazing how they can occupy my time with conversations for a year and never mention their wives.

I learned to ask questions and keep boundaries. I can trust people within the perameters I place them. I'm taking care of my own heart.


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## dustyroad (Nov 13, 2013)

I'm back ya'll. Got a new phone and good connection.
I've posted in here a few times about character and for me that's where the rubber meets the road. People who live their lives according to a set of values they truly believe in will generally stay on the straight and narrow as they know it. Some of us, myself included have to learn the consequences of not living by that standard. It doesn't feel good so I promise not to do it again and again and again...until I really learn and stick to it.
The opportunity for weirdness is directly proportional to the amount of stress the person is under.
Another rule I've found helpful is that if you expect a certain amount of insanity from your partner you won't be disappointed or surprised.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Fowler said:


> I have been on a couple of dates in the past year. And we had a lot in common, same personality, same needs, work ethics we had tons of fun laughing, communicating and they both tell me I'm real, and they like that.
> 
> However both men went back to their exes, after complaining that they are to high maintenence, caused too much drama, mean, spiteful, and had no goals besides getting what they could out of them.
> 
> *Why do they do that?*


1. They were lying, and saying their 'ex's' were worse than they really were/are.

2. They were lying, and they really were not 'ex's'.

3. Their 'ex's' provide a 'known' element. They know exactly what they are getting and they are too chicken to start over. 

4. They are afraid of a strong confident woman and like the control they have over they ex....you clearly cannot be controlled or contained and they find that threatening.

5. If they were ex's, and walked away with all the 'goodies' maybe they are willing to trade happiness for the chance to have their material posessions back.

6. They are pathological liars.

7. They 'think' your lifestyle is neat / interesting but upon deeper thought realize that they are not cut out for said lifestyle.

8. They really do love their ex's, but listened to their peers, and chose to 'run' when they really should have stayed and worked it out.......and came to the conclusion that their complaints were a little more out of proportion than reality.

9. Their are guilt ridden.

10. They did it for the kids.


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

I'm wondering if the two men weren't willing to truly give up what they had. They could go through the motions. Meet some one and then get cold feet. There's still something there that's got them hooked. It could be kids, property, maybe they like her potato salad. It's something there they haven't revealed that involves a strong connection on their part.

It's hard to tell. It could be the garage he built. Or any number of other things he can't give up. To others, if they found out what drew the man back, they'd think he was nuts.

It comes down to something like baggage, Something still has a hold on the man. And it might not be the ex. Of course it could be sex. It's different with different partners.

Don't think you're the one with the problem, Fowler. You can't talk about what you don't know. Who knows. Maybe he really likes the family dog. People can be really strange that way.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

This reminds me of an article I read in aarp magazine in the doctor's office once. A woman was telling the story of how her husband was always verbally insulting her for being over weight. She said he said that he would love her more if she lost weight.
Eventually, he started cheating and then married his mistress. The woman tracked her husband down and was shocked to find that the women her husband cheated with and eventually married was much more over weight then she was or ever was.


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

That love me more thing is malarkey. Seen it other ways. He'll love me more if have another kid. WRONG!


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Are you calling me fat CB?


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

Maybe you need to eat some samiches.  Sometimes cupcakes, although my favorites, aren't enough.


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## lonelytree (Feb 28, 2008)

City Bound said:


> This reminds me of an article I read in aarp magazine in the doctor's office once. A woman was telling the story of how her husband was always verbally insulting her for being over weight. She said he said that he would love her more if she lost weight.
> Eventually, he started cheating and then married his mistress. The woman tracked her husband down and was shocked to find that the women her husband cheated with and eventually married was much more over weight then she was or ever was.


Said very few men ever.

I prefer to say that I love the woman that I first met. I still see her today. She has moved on and so have I.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Fowler said:


> Are you calling me fat CB?


 
I hope this is one of you jokes.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Why Does He do That? Inside the Minds of Angry Controlling Men


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Darren said:


> Maybe you need to eat some samiches.  Sometimes cupcakes, although my favorites, aren't enough.


:grin: I bet you like your women like you like your chicken too, I love Rodney Carrington!!


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

City Bound said:


> I hope this is one of you jokes.


I didnt understand how your comment was related, but no worries.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

rkintn said:


> Another member of the "once an ex, always an ex" club. I hear of people (not just men) doing this all the time and I don't understand it. Chances are, they probably don't either. Just thank your lucky stars you dodged those particular bullets and move on. They obviously didn't deserve the fantastic that is you


You are awesome too, thank you.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Just keep looking Fowler. Make sure to ask more questions if a guy tells you he is divorced. Ask if he still lives with her. Ask if they are properly divorced. Ask how long they have been divorced. Ask if he has kids.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Generally with divorce though if one partner gets the house and the house is not paid off that means they get the house and the full mortgage payment, right?


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## NoClue (Jan 22, 2007)

City Bound said:


> Generally with divorce though if one partner gets the house and the house is not paid off that means they get the house and the full mortgage payment, right?


Depends on where you are, and the actual agreement.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

City Bound said:


> Generally with divorce though if one partner gets the house and the house is not paid off that means they get the house and the full mortgage payment, right?



No not always. A friend of mine got to stay with the kids in the marital home while her ex was responsible for both mortgage payments. She did pay "rent" but it was just enough to barely help with the second mortgage.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

rkintn said:


> No not always. A friend of mine got to stay with the kids in the marital home while her ex was responsible for both mortgage payments. She did pay "rent" but it was just enough to barely help with the second mortgage.


I can see why some men get bitter then.


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

City Bound said:


> I can see why some men get bitter then.


I agree CB, both sides of the coin have their reasons to be dissapointed, angry and heart-broke. I guess that what comes with the territory when taking a chance...


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

RubyRed said:


> I agree CB, both sides of the coin have their reasons to be dissapointed, angry and heart-broke. I guess that what comes with the territory when taking a chance...


Yeah, bit financially men get the poop end of the stick.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

City Bound said:


> Yeah, bit financially men get the poop end of the stick.


 The entire stick is caked with poop, very few people come out of a divorce financially better.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

City Bound said:


> I can see why some men get bitter then.


Not unless you know the whole situation, which you don't. He is bitter, but not because his 5 kids got to stay in the home they have been growing up in.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

City Bound said:


> Yeah, bit financially men get the poop end of the stick.


Everybody gets a poop stick in a divorce and every situation is different. You can't make blanket statements like this. Unless you have been thru a divorce, then you really have no idea what you are talking about.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

No. But the courts do generally favor the female.


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

On divorce: often the outcome is in some form of compromise. Essentially, no one walks away from a compromise entirely satisfied.

Fowler. I've been thinking about your question. You are an outgoing, intelligent, witty, go-getter. This is sometimes wrongly interpreted as aggressiveness in a woman. A more proper definition would be assertiveness. But you might see the nuance of difference between them. It's a small difference, but one of more importance than many people realize. 

Is it at all possible that your gentlemen friends, sensing that assertiveness along with your playful nature, knew they had to bring their 'A' game to your dates? The result being that you saw someone who you could relate to and subsequently, you became more interested. 

However, upon reflection, these fellows realized they didn't have the confidence and staying power they needed to keep up with your level of energy. Is it possible that they didn't realize that you don't look at it as if it were a competition? That you don't necessarily expect, or even want, an atmosphere of one upmanship? Even though your, at times, unintentionally aggressive manner led them to falsely assume that?

If any of that is true it could easily explain the speedy retreat back to less threatening waters.


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## sassafras manor (Dec 5, 2009)

Men get the poop end of the stick by one of two ways - either being the guilty party causing the divorce or not being diligent enough to do their homework before the divorce. I was not the guilty party and I made the choice to do my homework before filing. It was because of that "homework" that my divorce was smooth and only took 15 days from the day I filed until the day it was granted.
Fowler - patience goes a long ways in finding the right partner and oftentimes that person arrives while or where you are not looking. Oftentimes they are there right under your nose the whole time. Best of luck and hold your head high.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Great, now I'm too agressive . too assertive, too confident, too playful, just too much. I just cant win.:awh:


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## MoonRiver (Sep 2, 2007)

Fowler said:


> I am starting to think that men just like crazy and drama.


Love crazy.

Hate drama.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

City Bound said:


> No. But the courts do generally favor the female.


CB please ~insert words here~

please stop talking about this on my thread, start your own.


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

Fowler, I didn't mean YOU are too anything. You've had to be the way you are to survive in a world you chose to live in. That doesn't mean you, or anyone else for that matter, should hold you responsible for the shortcomings of others.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

You might want to add, "too frustrated" to my list too.....LOL


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

Now I've told you! Gotta take a break from the chloro-basement once every couple of weeks.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

City Bound said:


> No. But the courts do generally favor the female.


If you haven't been through it, then quit trying to act like you know what you are talking about. NOBODY wins in a divorce.


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## Guest (Nov 26, 2013)

Aim higher, Fowler. Only the mental midgets are on cyber-Shetland ponies.


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

Fowler said:


> :grin: I bet you like your women like you like your chicken too, I love Rodney Carrington!!


Finger licking good?


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