# your spouse cheats..what would you do?



## mamita (May 19, 2008)

this isn't about me. I will tell you straight out..he'd be gone. it may be a character flaw of mine, but while I absolutely adore his gorgeous self.....I don't need him. ya know? financially, I'd be fine. we each have our own money market accounts, IRAs, bonds...you name it. plus the dividing of property would leave me okey dokey, too. sure...I'd hurt, cause I do just adore him. BUT. had a conversation with a friend whose spouse has cheated. and honestly, I really can't get beyond........kick his sorry behind out. she seems 'stuck', tho, due to finances, etc. no kid issues, thank goodness. (which really makes me wonder. cause take kids out...and seriously I would kick your behind out so fast your head would swim) it got me curious. what exactly would you immediately do? if it were absolute, I'd not be someone all in to the forgiving nature. I'd figure...you picked..you are OUT. you?


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

mine would be gone in a heart beat....or rather, I'd leave and never look back. hitting the road has never bothered me. I prefer the road. I stay only because I love my man and he is loyal beyond a doubt.


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

Well, if he'd never cheated before in a longterm, normally trusting, affectionate relationship I'd would want to find out the whys. I would try counseling first before ending it. But if he was chronic womanizer and this had happened before he would be out the door. I'd be suffering both emotionally and financially though and so would he. It wouldn't be a decision made lightly and I know our kids and grandkids would be devastated!


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Ok another question.What if you got Him or Her through an affair would you expect different?

If my wife was messing around,she feels she don't want me fine there is plenty more out there.

big rockpile


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## snoozy (May 10, 2002)

"Hit the road, Jack. We're done."


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

no counseling for me. I know I'm a good wife. the 'whys'......I wouldn't care what his reasons were. I'd figure he just picked someone else. period. so...I'd move on. it sounds so cold, but I've always been like this. from day one. it's me...it's a great ride together...if not.....see ya later.


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

I think it would depend on the circumstances. My first husband was a womaniser, but we were both very young and immature, so I think if we had both worked hard on the marriage instead of my leaving in a self-righteous huff we may well have remained married. He wasn't a bad person, and in fact we got on great even after the divorce. I hear through my brother that he has since settled down and made an admirable husband. Just needed time, is all.

My current circumstances would allow me to live in relative comfort if I were to kick DH out - and it WOULD be him leaving, I will not give up my animals and little acreage - but I think I would be cautious about precipitous ultimatums (ultimata?) We are older, we get on very well most of the time, we complement each other's shortcomings... I am not sure that a "bit on the side" would manage to be a major obstacle in a heretofore excellent marriage. Heck, if she likes housework I might even invite her to stay.

Mary


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## Del Gue (Apr 5, 2010)

I wouldn't really care for an explanation of why.
The only thing I would be wanting is her, out, ASAP and all ties cut from her.

Then move on. Life is to short to waste on pumping explanations out of people who obviously don't care much about how you might feel about say, them cheating on you.

Getting a newer, prettier wife is the best way to get over it.


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

Been there done that, kicked her sorry butt out. 
13 years into my 2nd marriage now with 10 years between the 2 marriages.


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

mamita said:


> no counseling for me. I know I'm a good wife. the 'whys'......I wouldn't care what his reasons were. I'd figure he just picked someone else. period. so...I'd move on. it sounds so cold, but I've always been like this. from day one. it's me...it's a great ride together...if not.....see ya later.


I understand your opinion, but a one time affair is a symptom of problems in the relationship/marriage. The problems stem from both people so counseling would help get to the bottom of it and things could be repaired. I've seen success with a friend's marriage after one was found cheating. They got counseling, repaired their relationship and are still together, happily, many years later. Saved their family alot of heartache too by not splitting up.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

mamita said:


> no counseling for me. I know I'm a good wife. the 'whys'......I wouldn't care what his reasons were. I'd figure he just picked someone else. period. so...I'd move on. it sounds so cold, but I've always been like this. from day one. it's me...it's a great ride together...if not.....see ya later.


I hear ya! There is NO REASON for infidelity. A real man or woman would not go have sex with someone other then their spouse. We are not animals with instincts and hormones we can't control.

Sorry but 'there are marriage problems" is still no reason to play around with someone else. The time to get counciling and help is BEFORE ever thinking about straying. Not after they "get caught"


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

NickieL said:


> I hear ya! There is NO REASON for infidelity. A real man or woman would not go have sex with someone other then their spouse. We are not animals with instincts and hormones we can't control.


And what if one spouse had denied the other spouse sex for many years? I think one would have to be a saint not to be unfaithful.


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## mountainwmn (Sep 11, 2009)

The problem is how do you know the next one won't? My first husband cheated, I gave him the boot. 2nd one cheated, same thing. Next was a long term bf, a close friend for years...he did it too. Next long term BF did it with several women and I didn't find out till after, and now my current long term bf is at least thinking about it. Sometimes I think the devil you know might be better than the one you don't.


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## Rose (Dec 30, 2010)

"shoot, shovel, shut up."

I think thats the motto..:teehee::hysterical:


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## Sededl (Jan 14, 2011)

I Really Hope I never Have to go through that.


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## mountainwmn (Sep 11, 2009)

Rose said:


> "shoot, shovel, shut up."
> 
> I think thats the motto..:teehee::hysterical:


Thats good.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

SageLady said:


> And what if one spouse had denied the other spouse sex for many years? I think one would have to be a saint not to be unfaithful.


And do they not speak to each other about this? They have not bothered to seek help or medical reasons? If they refuse, then there is something called divorce. It's legal.
You can do what you like THEN. But while married, NO. I guess we just have higher standards, my dh and I, about loyalty then some. DH knows he only gets one chance. he wouldn't dare step out on me, and vice versa. I think some folks just need to up their self esteem, pick better mates, and make it clear from the get go that there are "no do-overs", ever. Despite what many women I know believe who are in horrid relationships (some very abusive) you do NOT need a man that badly in this world to have to put up with that carp. I almost left my DH once, when he got really heavy into drinking and was losing control of his behavior. Told him if he didn't stop, I'd be gone. he loved me enough to never touch a drop again. You DO NOT have to put up with that kind of stuff, life is far too short 

now I'd love to continue this discussion, but my DH is on his way home from work and we are sitting down to go over the budget for the month and try to figure out if we can finance another car since his is toast.

play nice y'all


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## Guest (Jul 26, 2011)

I expect I'd get over my bruised ego and realize that it takes 2 to succeed. It also takes 2 to fail. If I cared about somebody, that just wouldn't be the end of everything. I'd just try harder.


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

If he was caught red handed in my house I would be serving life in prison at a minimum. :happy2:

If he came clean on his own he would lose me instantly but what would be more painful is the fact that he would lose my respect forever. Nothing I hate more than a liar.


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

SageLady said:


> And what if one spouse had denied the other spouse sex for many years? I think one would have to be a saint not to be unfaithful.


I was thinking the same. :shrug:

big rockpile


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

I think it's one of those things that you don't really know what you would do until it actually happened. Some of you that talk so tough about ending the relationship after one infraction, well I bet if it actually happened to you it wouldn't be so cut and dried as you think it would. Some things aren't just black and white. It takes 2 to make or break a relationship. It's never just the fault of one....


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

SageLady said:


> I think it's one of those things that you don't really know what you would do until it actually happened. Some of you that talk so tough about ending the relationship after one infraction, well I bet if it actually happened to you it wouldn't be so cut and dried as you think it would. Some things aren't just black and white. It takes 2 to make or break a relationship. It's never just the fault of one....


I Know myself very well. One infraction, I'm gone. No if ands or buts. It would hurt, yes. Horribly so. But I'd never trust him again anyway so why bother staying? Forget it.


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## TxHorseMom (Feb 21, 2011)

I got married when I was 17. I told my hubby before we got married that there were 2 things I wouldn't stand for. Adultry and abuse. Anything else we could work out. He also feels the same way. I agree that there is NO reason for cheating. If you don't want me, fine, then leave. But if you are married, then you should not break that trust. If you do, then you're out. If you haven't had marital relations for a long time, that is still no reason. You should be going to counsiling already. We are not animals, we can keep our hormones in check if we have to.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

He'd be out the door! Almost tossed my DH out because he was addicted to porn and he fnally realized porn made a pretty lonely companion(plus I think he would have been embaraased to admitto his sisters why I divorced him) I had everything lined up knew what needed to bedone..I guess fillling out a settlement agreement madehim realize life was going to be pretty bad for him in a divorce..


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

I don't know about their sex life, cause I am a good friend...but don't want to hear personal biz. so for her...maybe. for me...listen, this isn't random tough talk. yes..one infracton.....he'd be out. and maybe that's why I've been married for so many years. no games allowed here. you stay for the fun ride...or you leave. it is truly that simple for me. I told my hubby from day one...if you think you want to play, you leave then and have it out. you stay..you stay, but you don't play on my watch. lol


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

TxHorseMom said:


> I got married when I was 17. I told my hubby before we got married that there were 2 things I wouldn't stand for.


I toldmy Dh 2 conditions, cheating on me and no way would his mother ever live with us!!


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## Wendy (May 10, 2002)

> I hear ya! There is NO REASON for infidelity. A real man or woman would not go have sex with someone other then their spouse. We are not animals with instincts and hormones we can't control.
> 
> Sorry but 'there are marriage problems" is still no reason to play around with someone else. The time to get counciling and help is BEFORE ever thinking about straying. Not after they "get caught"


BINGO!!! You NEVER improve a relatonship by bringing a 3rd party into it. I have seen so many marriages break up this way. You know what, they seldom stay with the person they cheated with. Wow, what kind of person has a relationship with someone that is married? If their morals & values are that low, why would you want them? If they cheat with you, then they will most likely cheat on you.


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

NickieL said:


> I Know myself very well. One infraction, I'm gone. No if ands or buts. It would hurt, yes. Horribly so. But I'd never trust him again anyway so why bother staying? Forget it.


I understand how you feel, but at my age I've seen alot of relationships in my time go through this. Most of them wound up staying and working things out for the better of everyone. Sometimes an affair is the wake-up call that there is something wrong in the relationship that hasn't been addressed. Most of my friends had previously said they would end the relationship if there ever was an infidelity, but when it actually happened they didn't....

I have to say though that chronic cheaters - there is just no help for that. I'd be gone in a heartbeat after the 2nd infraction....


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## TxHorseMom (Feb 21, 2011)

also, I am financially able to leave right now if I had to, but, even if I was dead broke, I would leave. There are places you can go, even with children if you have to. I also have family and friends. Possesions don't mean anything to me, but the sanctity of marriage and my own self respect are more important.


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## TxHorseMom (Feb 21, 2011)

SageLady said:


> I understand how you feel, but at my age I've seen alot of relationships in my time go through this. Most of them wound up staying and working things out for the better of everyone.


Sorry, I've been married 30 years, and I'd rather be alone than with someone I didn't trust or with someone who didn't love me. You can't truly love someone and cheat on them IMO


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## nodak3 (Feb 5, 2003)

We'd be done. Finished. Kaput.

Address problems before you stray, or ask for divorce and do as you please.

But when you are unfaithful you literally killed the marriage.

Reasons don't exist to cheat--just excuses.

If you are that unhappy, be proactive.


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

TxHorseMom said:


> Sorry, I've been married 30 years, and I'd rather be alone than with someone I didn't trust or with someone who didn't love me. You can't truly love someone and cheat on them IMO


But if it ACTUALLY happened to you you might be singin' a different tune. 30 years is alot to toss away. I wouldn't be tossin' my 36 year marriage away without turning over a few stones to figure out what went wrong for both of us. Not to say I haven't threatened DH's life if he ever cheats on me though.


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## hillbillygal (Jan 16, 2008)

Dh would be out. I'd never be able to trust him again. I don't want to be constantly wondering about his faithfulness. I couldn't live that way. I've always told him that I don't understand why people don't end one relationship before beginning another. It seems extra disrespectful to go out looking for someone while being committed to another.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

this is how strongly I feel about the subject of cheating. my DD's first marriage ended after only 4 months. he cheated. we were there so fast your head would spin. we moved her home. now..you might think that was being too protective. me? no way. just like me...she isn't somebody you treat like dirt. I did tell her a few weeks later that we'd not stand in her way if she wanted to go back. however..to me once a cheater...figure what he's going to be like ten years down the road when he's a little bored. she divorced, and I'm not sorry, nor was she. it's up to each person to decide how they want to be treated. nobody is ever going to convince me he had a reason, therefore one little infraction is ok. not in my world. every person has the freedom to decide to leave BEFORE they cheat. otherwise...well, you get my drift.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

SageLady said:


> But if it ACTUALLY happened to you you might be singin' a different tune. 30 years is alot to toss away. I wouldn't be tossin' my 36 year marriage away without turning over a few stones to figure out what went wrong for both of us. Not to say I haven't threatened DH's life if he ever cheats on me though.


Nope. I will NOT sing a different tune. Thats just it. i know for a fact. I'd be gone that very day. I'd see him again only to sign the divorce papers. There is no EXCUSE for that. And once a cheat, always a cheat. So you've had friends forgive and forget their indiscretions. That will never be me. I am just as happy on my own as with someone.


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

I have to say I don't agree with the once a cheat, always a cheat. I've seen friends' relationships rebuilt again on trust over several years time. There was never another cheating episode.... Some people actually do learn their lesson and with age comes wisdom they didn't have when they were younger.


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## KnowOneSpecial (Sep 12, 2010)

If I'm going to He!! its going to be for something 'real' like murder and NOT for something in the gray zone like divorce.


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## chickenslayer (Apr 20, 2010)

There would be a fresh pile of dirt out back


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

well..seems for my friend it is about finances. geez..to all women out there..please don't ever let yourself be controlled. either get an education, or make sure you have input as to all monies and try to protect yourself. men, too. it's just so sad to feel 'stuck'.


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## Vickie44 (Jul 27, 2010)

zong said:


> I expect I'd get over my bruised ego and realize that it takes 2 to succeed. It also takes 2 to fail. If I cared about somebody, that just wouldn't be the end of everything. I'd just try harder.


I have to agree with this ~ Vickie


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## TJN66 (Aug 29, 2004)

There were two "rules" when we got married. We both agreed to them. First no divorce ever. If you cheat I'll leave but you will never be free to marry again due to the first rule. I also told him that I would be a widow if he ever cheated. Been together for 20 years and so far so good. We talk about everything. Now I am not so controlling as to say he cant look, admire, watch women. He is a man after all. But if you want some nookie then it better be me that you come to. Or...again...I'd be a widow =) 
He tells me that I could never hurt him lol..I tell him you have to sleep sometime!


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## gone-a-milkin (Mar 4, 2007)

Just to throw a wrench in:

What if you found out YEARS LATER that your spouse had cheated?

This just happened to a friend of mine. She found out that her husband had fooled around with a close friend about 5 years ago.
It was a one time thing, but she is crushed obviously.
They are trying to work through it.

I can understand why couples may try to get past a huge transgression like that. 
It's so easy to 'say' what you would do, but I dont judge anyone for TRYING to save a marriage.

It sure would be difficult to regain trust. Probably impossible (for me).


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

infidelity is often (most of the time?) a symptom of other issues, and is not "the" issue. the question is simply too broad to be answered carte blanche'

R


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

if it were years ago, not really sure what I'd do. probably kill him. LOL!!!!!

his burgers are done. because he hasn't cheated (that I know of), guess I'll go feed him!

have a great night everyone.


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## snoozy (May 10, 2002)

My first husband cheated on me. So I do know what I would do. Thing is, without trust, you've got nothing. And never once did he give me the just the sheer decency of the truth. Never once did he admit to cheating. Only thing he ever said was that he didn't want to go back to the same circumstances or patterns which led him to go outside the marriage. That was the only wise thing he ever said about it. He seemed to want to come back, but he would not accept my first condition, which was that he had to stop seeing her. Pretty basic, if you want to get back together, don't you think? 

Years later, I got a call from his second wife. She wanted to know if his cheating was a pattern. She told me all about what was happening then with them, and I told her what had happened with us 20 years earlier. She realized that the person who had "stolen" him from me was probably the person she had "stolen" him from! It was a pattern alright. 

You read/hear about people who take their spouse back after cheating, but honestly, how could you ever trust them again?


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## kirkmcquest (Oct 21, 2010)

I'd throw her out so fast her head would spin. Now if I was stuck, like OP's friend, financially dependent on the cheater...then You have to handle it more delicately. I would not let on that I even knew about the affair, but I would quickly begin my exit strategy. Get a job save money, rob your spouse, whatever it takes because at that point you have a knife in your back and all is fair.

I would rip that person off every chance I got, hire a detective with his/her money to get proof of the affair and eventually drag him/her to court and take them to the cleaners.


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

I married for better of for worse. I meant it.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

snoozy said:


> "Hit the road, Jack. We're done."


Yup,saw that in a relationship and saw a marriage with THAT was in the works,hasta la vista,BABY!!!

You arent THAT special.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

mnn2501 said:


> Been there done that, kicked her sorry butt out.
> 13 years into my 2nd marriage now with 10 years between the 2 marriages.


Rock on dude!


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

SageLady said:


> I understand your opinion, but a one time affair is a symptom of problems in the relationship/marriage. The problems stem from both people so counseling would help get to the bottom of it and things could be repaired. I've seen success with a friend's marriage after one was found cheating. They got counseling, repaired their relationship and are still together, happily, many years later. Saved their family alot of heartache too by not splitting up.


Yup,he's a lot more careful now.......


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## mountainwmn (Sep 11, 2009)

I know a guy that confessed to cheating on his wife 10 years before. Of course he didn't confess that he was still doing it. But sometimes you're not just financially dependant on them. I have health issues and rely on his income and his physical strength.


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## springvalley (Jun 23, 2009)

As some have said they would throw them to the curb with no questions, I find that a bit harsh. You have invested alot of time effort and money into this relationship, and to just pitch it all out with the garbage sounds a might harsh. Now if you can`t stand each other and fight non stop, sounds like you should have split up years ago. But if you get along very well and deep down love each other very much I think it all depends on what happened. Men are cads we all know it, and I am one, but we are not all bad, and we are not any of us perfect. And I know women are all perfect, and can do no wrong, so I will never go there. As Ann Landers allways use to say, are you better with him/her, or are you better without him/her. That is only a question for each of you to answer for yourselfs. > Thanks Marc


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## PrettyPaisley (May 18, 2007)

I guess I'm really in the minority. Most often a relationship doesn't go from a-okay to a situation where cheating is happening over night. I'd need to stop and take a serious look at the relationship and go from there. 

Obviously something is not right-unless the person is a serial cheater. And I know they are out there, but most often there is way more to it than what meets the eye.


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## PlicketyCat (Jul 14, 2010)

DH & I talked about things _before_ we got married and agree there are 3 absolute deal-breakers 1) cheating, 2) drug/alcohol addiction, and 3) getting sucked into family drama on either side. Both of us have had our fair share of dealing with all 3 in previous relationships. I will never play second fiddle to his mom, he will never play second fiddle to my dad (former much more likely than latter), our lives will not get turned upside down by substance abuse, and anyone getting caught with their pants down gets a one-way ticket out -- do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

The time to discuss marital problems and adulterous inclinations is before you act on them, when you notice there is a problem. In this instance, if one of us isn't fulfilling the bedroom requirements, it's definitely better to ask permission than ask forgiveness... cuz forgiveness isn't happening. Once trust is gone, it's gone... we both hold grudges and we know it. Our household would become a battleground with mutually assured destruction if we tried to stay together. 

Best that he leave, regardless of who strayed, because I cannot leave due to disabilities and I'm the animal/garden matron. If I was at fault, then he can take whatever he wants when he goes; if he's at fault, he can take a suitcase.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

springvalley said:


> As some have said they would throw them to the curb with no questions, I find that a bit harsh. You have invested alot of time effort and money into this relationship, and to just pitch it all out with the garbage sounds a might harsh. Now if you can`t stand each other and fight non stop, sounds like you should have split up years ago. But if you get along very well and deep down love each other very much


Diametrically opposed statements.'*if you get along very well and deep down love each other very much*' you DONT cheat.


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## hintonlady (Apr 22, 2007)

It's not just about forgiveness. It's also about those nagging, painful thoughts that creep up in the back of your mind. It's seeing his handsome, masculine hardworking hands grip a steering wheel during a quiet drive and accidentally picturing them on another womans body. (who was in his heart then?) It's not always about a huge blow out, sometimes it's the little things that eat at you and just never go away. You can forgive someone but it isn't as easy to forget...


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## Guest (Jul 26, 2011)

You guys know that I lost my spouse to death. I miss her terribly. I wouldn't miss her any less if I'd left her for any reason whatsoever. That's why I have my point of view. I've lost way too much in life to ever throw anything away. And self-righteousness and moral indignation are 2 mighty poor companions. Anybody that left their spouse for cheating never loved them in the first place. And anybody with any sense at all knows that love and sex ain't the same thing.


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## Immaculate Sublimity (Apr 30, 2003)

ok heres another wrench for the thinking department - 

lets say theres a descrepancy.... someone says your spouse cheated with them... your spouse vehemently denies it.... who do you believe?


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

zong said:


> . And self-righteousness and moral indignation are 2 mighty poor companions. Anybody that left their spouse for cheating never loved them in the first place. And anybody with any sense at all knows that love and sex ain't the same thing.


Hogwash,Im not here to be anyone's dishrag and be treated like dirt,ever.

Thats a 100% deal breaker.

End of story,dont let the door hit ya on the way out.


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## Guest (Jul 26, 2011)

Well, there you go. I rest my case.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

Immaculate Sublimity said:


> ok heres another wrench for the thinking department -
> 
> lets say theres a descrepancy.... someone says your spouse cheated with them... your spouse vehemently denies it.... who do you believe?


Spouse,unless there were tell tale signs and a private detective would be in the works.UNLESS I knew that person was a flako,and I WOULD investigate that person too.Perhaps just that person and see if spouse shows up,how about that plan?


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## PlicketyCat (Jul 14, 2010)

Immaculate Sublimity said:


> ok heres another wrench for the thinking department -
> 
> lets say theres a descrepancy.... someone says your spouse cheated with them... your spouse vehemently denies it.... who do you believe?


Depends on the character of both parties, who stands to gain/lose the most by lying, and what evidence there is. If your partner is trustworthy, the tattler is a conniving person, and the evidence doesn't jive it's pretty easy to believe your partner didn't do it. But if your partner isn't always honest with you and you don't entirely trust them....

In my case, even though I might believe that my man is trustworthy and honest with me, I'd still weigh the testimony and evidence. I'd rather be accused of being suspicious than gullible. Been there, done that, never happening again.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

zong said:


> Well, there you go. I rest my case.


Nope,love is EARNED and if other tosses away fidelity,that love is LOST.Doesnt mean I didnt love her,means i sure dont going forward.


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## Parttimefarmer (May 5, 2011)

I would make a careful plan and position myself so it would be most comfortable for me and the kids to go with as little damage as possible to them. I would be completely normal to my dh, never even mention it, gather evidence, and walk away, having already hired a lawyer. My dh and I have a deal that you get out of the marriage before you sleep with anyone else. 

If you ask my dh he would tell you he would end-up in the pond with the Rhino on top of him, accidentally of course.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

Parttimefarmer said:


> I would make a careful plan and position myself so it would be most comfortable for me and the kids to go with as little damage as possible to them. I would be completely normal to my dh, never even mention it, gather evidence, and walk away, having already hired a lawyer. My dh and I have a deal that you get out of the marriage before you sleep with anyone else.
> 
> If you ask my dh he would tell you he would end-up in the pond with the Rhino on top of him, accidentally of course.


Ye-up!!


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

An old gal told me this....

Before marriage keep both eyes and both ears open,after marriage close both ears and one eye.


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

zong said:


> You guys know that I lost my spouse to death. I miss her terribly. I wouldn't miss her any less if I'd left her for any reason whatsoever. That's why I have my point of view. I've lost way too much in life to ever throw anything away. And self-righteousness and moral indignation are 2 mighty poor companions. Anybody that left their spouse for cheating never loved them in the first place. And anybody with any sense at all knows that love and sex ain't the same thing.


Very wise words.


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## PlicketyCat (Jul 14, 2010)

zong said:


> Anybody that left their spouse for cheating never loved them in the first place. And anybody with any sense at all knows that love and sex ain't the same thing.


I'd argue that anybody who cheated on their spouse never loved them in the first place. You can't truly love and respect someone and then chose to jeopardize that relationship for a little hormonal physical thrill.


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## mountainwmn (Sep 11, 2009)

Immaculate Sublimity said:


> ok heres another wrench for the thinking department -
> 
> lets say theres a descrepancy.... someone says your spouse cheated with them... your spouse vehemently denies it.... who do you believe?


Been there too....he denied until she took him to domestics for child support. Then he admitted it and it turned out not to be his anyway. And the one that says he loves me now got caught with an online dating profile half filled out. And swore up and down that he didn't do it. Someone hacked his computer and email and filled out that he goes for walks twice a week and likes redheads. Sure. That other person doesn't gain anything by lying to you.


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Immaculate Sublimity said:


> ok heres another wrench for the thinking department -
> 
> lets say theres a descrepancy.... someone says your spouse cheated with them... your spouse vehemently denies it.... who do you believe?


Or they convince you that your spouse did this so you have an affair and get caught.  I know not right but does happen.

big rockpile


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## PlicketyCat (Jul 14, 2010)

mountainwmn said:


> That other person doesn't gain anything by lying to you.


Well... sometimes they do. Catty, unhappy people enjoy destroying other peoples happy lives, especially if they perceive you as a threat. Been there...

That's why it's important to examine the intentions/motivations behind such a disclosure and look at the evidence and character. 

It's extremely difficult to be objective when something like this happens, but if you can shut off the mental/emotional freak-out for a couple of minutes to think about it logically and rationally, the answer usually presents itself fairly clearly.


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## Guest (Jul 26, 2011)

PlicketyCat said:


> I'd argue that anybody who cheated on their spouse never loved them in the first place. You can't truly love and respect someone and then chose to jeopardize that relationship for a little hormonal physical thrill.


I'm glad you said that. The thing is, you are responsible and culpable for your actions... and reactions. You are not responsible for the other party's actions. Its the same old "two wrongs don't make a right" line of thought. Does your loving your wife depend solely on her loving you? That ain't saying a lot, is it??


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## fffarmergirl (Oct 9, 2008)

People cheat when there's nothing at all wrong with their marriages. I know a great guy who used to just be very lusty. He probably shouldn't have gotten married while he was a raging ball of hormones, but he was in love so he did. He was happy in his marriage and his wife was very attractive, but there just happened to be an equally lusty young woman at his place of employment and they thought they could sneak out to her car and have a little fun, nobody would be the wiser, and nobody would get hurt. Of course that wasn't how it happened - they were caught before the act was even consumated. Word spread like wildfire and his wife found out and confronted him. He confessed. He never cheated again and his wife never forgave him although they remained married for close to 20 miserable years after that. She finally got her revenge by starting a relationship with another man while her husband was in the hospital after bypass surgery. She left him for the other guy and he was a hermit for 7 years before he remarried five years ago. 

From what I hear, he is the kindest, gentlest, sweetest, hardest-working most doting husband imaginable and his new wife couldn't be happier with him. His unforgiving ex wife, however, appears to be absolutely miserable and is terribly disappointed in her new husband. Her new husband may be faithful, but he has never doted on her for one second and is completely disinterested in her life.

There are worse things than falling prey to temptation once.


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

PlicketyCat said:


> Well... sometimes they do. Catty, unhappy people enjoy destroying other peoples happy lives, especially if they perceive you as a threat. Been there...
> 
> That's why it's important to examine the intentions/motivations behind such a disclosure and look at the evidence and character.
> 
> It's extremely difficult to be objective when something like this happens, but if you can shut off the mental/emotional freak-out for a couple of minutes to think about it logically and rationally, the answer usually presents itself fairly clearly.


Had a neighbor brag on the fact she had a Guy throwed in Prison for rape,when he didn't do it.She also took a Guy away from his wife for awhile,she planted Drugs in his Van called the Law,she went in middle of the night,destroyed his Van.She tried to get me to have sex with her,I turned her down,she tried breaking me and my wife up.Then she actually took our 15 year old Daughter from us.As we was leaving town with last Load she actually came to me trying to be nicey,took everything I had to keep from literally wringing her Neck :hair

big rockpile


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## PlicketyCat (Jul 14, 2010)

My actions and reactions are my own. My love for someone isn't predicated by or dependent on their loving me. HOWEVER, I love and respect myself enough not to allow my love for someone to blind me if they do not love and respect me or if their actions and behaviors are harming me. You can love someone (even forgive them of wrongdoings) and _still_ refuse to allow them to be part of your life any longer for the sake of your own health, well-being and safety. The point at which you draw the line depends greatly on your temperament and the circumstances.


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

SageLady said:


> And what if one spouse had denied the other spouse sex for many years? I think one would have to be a saint not to be unfaithful.


Then get a divorce *BEFORE *you play around


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

springvalley said:


> As some have said they would throw them to the curb with no questions, I find that a bit harsh. You have invested alot of time effort and money into this relationship, and to just pitch it all out with the garbage sounds a might harsh.


Thats exactly what they did when they cheated. The other party is just finalizing it.
There is *N-O* excuse for cheating -- if you want to play around then get a divorce FIRST


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

mightybooboo said:


> hogwash,im not here to be anyone's dishrag and be treated like dirt,ever.
> 
> Thats a 100% deal breaker.
> 
> End of story,dont let the door hit ya on the way out.


exactly!!


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## Our Little Farm (Apr 26, 2010)

I would leave. No doubt about it and as for being stuck financially. No she isn't. There is always a solution. It may be a huge adjustment but trust me, she can do it.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

I love my wife and couldnt imagine ever cheating on her but just in case she reminds me that I have to sleep sometimes and to remember Lorena Bobbit...keeps me in check.


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## pheasantplucker (Feb 20, 2007)

My wife and I are faithful to one another...I have no doubt that this will never cease, but if my wife were to cheat, I'd (I think) be willing and able to forgive one indiscretion, but two or more and I couldn't abide by that.


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

Here is the thing that amazes me. Some folks are so intolerant that not only would they leave their spouse, but they would question and attack folks who say they wouldn't leave their spouse. Very small. Very petty. Very hateful. Very unChristian.


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## Oggie (May 29, 2003)

My wife would never cheat. She just isn't that sort of person. Besides, we never play cards for money, so what would the point in cheating be?


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

Oh puhleeze.

If you want to stick with your* loving cheating* spouse who could care less about the repercussions including breaking up a home,children born out of wedlock with a 3rd party,and bringing home to a faithful spouse an illness that could KILL THEM,who am I to judge what YOU will find acceptable?

In my home,none of that is acceptable,period.

However...my wife DOES cheat..............at monopoly.She does,really!


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

I don't know exactly what I would do. But I guess if it got to that point, the marriage would most likely not be that great anyways. I know several couples personally that stayed together after an affair and they all now seem very happy- have grandchildren and are pretty content together. I think if you have kids it would be harder to split up, around here family is pretty important.


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## whiskeylivewire (May 27, 2009)

I'll come back and read all the posts in a bit but I'll tell you what I did...

Exhusband #2 cheated on me when I was 8 weeks pregnant and we had been married for 3 weeks and no we didn't get married because of the baby(which would be DD4).

I found out because his lover texted him and told him to come see her ASAP I left TX(he is stationed at FT Hood). He denied, denied, denied. A couple weeks later she called me up and told me about it, BRAGGING that she had taken all his money blah blah blah.

I immediately got ahold of his phone records and called every number and whoops, one number was his CO. His CO was NOT happy about the Ex doing that and I also found out he had cheated one me with several other women and they didn't know he had a pregnant wife but the other one DID. I also got tested every 3 months for any and all STDs. 

We divorced and he remarried a week later. THEY divorced(because she found some stuff I had put on the net and discovered he's a liar!) and at last contact which was about 3 years ago he was remarried with a child on the way. BTW I was his 3rd wife.

I was devastated. I did a lot of things to him in revenge that were pretty immature but they helped at the time for me to get over him. It took me 1 1/2 years to date again(also had a new baby) and 2 1/2 years to trust someone enough to date exclusively(that would be DH). In all honesty, if I hadn't been pregnant with DD4 I don't know if I would have survived. I LOVED him with everything in me, felt like he was my soulmate and it hurt to the core. Still does if I think about it.

If DH ever cheats on me I have no idea how I would handle it but it wouldn't be pretty at all. One of my best friends told me recently that I was just now back to normal from what the ex had done. She would like to go to TX and get ahold of him


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## TJN66 (Aug 29, 2004)

salmonslayer said:


> I love my wife and couldnt imagine ever cheating on her but just in case she reminds me that I have to sleep sometimes and to remember Lorena Bobbit...keeps me in check.


Lol...are you sure your wife and I are not related? I tell hubby that all the time!


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## mommymushbrain (Jan 10, 2005)

He'd be gone. I don't have time, nor energy, for that kind of crap.


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

mightybooboo said:


> who am I to judge what YOU will find acceptable?


Apparently you feel totally comfortable judging, as you continue to do so.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

If my spouse did not have enough respect for ME then there is no point in wasting any more time with them. If he is out having relations with others, bringing lord only knows what kind of diseases into MY bed.....he's obviously not loving and respecting his marriage and his family.. Life is too short.


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## mekasmom (Jan 19, 2010)

mamita said:


> it got me curious. what exactly would you immediately do? if it were absolute, I'd not be someone all in to the forgiving nature.


lorena bobbit and a blender


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

I have thought about this for a while.. I love my dh, he is a great husband, even better father and a wonderful grandfather.. Years ago, I thought, If he cheated-- we would work on our marriage.. BUT now-- I would be gone... I have given him everything--I stayed at home and care for his children--I was almost like a single parent for 22yrs, I learned to do things -like mow, repair, use tools, keep things going because his job required him to be away from home so much.. For 30yrs, all he has had to do was work and come home... Another woman--is a deal breaker...


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

I divorced my first husband and father of my son. He had a longtime girlfriend that he married as soon as our divorce was final. Oddly enough, he fought against the divorce and tried to stay married to me. He honestly thought that he could be married to me and keep his girlfriend. He kept this girlfriend with him in another city while he went to college and then dental school. He came home to me and our son on the weekends. The truth became evident when he graduated and had to move home. He tried for awhile to make it seem that he had a weekend class in the other city to attend, but his girlfriend started calling through the week to talk to him. I was a teacher and on summer break and the girlfriend showed up at our door one morning. I invited her in and we had a nice civil conversation and she told me everything. After that I rented an apartment downtown for him, furnished, and moved all his stuff there while he was at work. Before he left work the sheriff served him with papers to stay away from our home and gave him a paper I wrote telling him what was happening, where his new home was located and 2 keys for that door. It was a nasty court fight because he wanted full custody of our son. He never admitted to having a girlfriend in court, not even under oath. When our son was older I agreed to weekend visitations so that he could get to know his half brothers. I remarried a year after the divorce to DH and we've been married 33 years next month. It all worked out for the best for everyone. Life's too short to not try and be happy.


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## Country Lady (Oct 2, 2003)

My feelings about his thread remind me of Garth Brooks song "Mama's in the Graveyard, Papa's in the Pen", except Papa would be in the graveyard, I'd be in the pen.


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## dragonjaze (Sep 8, 2010)

I "forgave" and he "promised to never do it again"...until the next time.

I thought we had a good marriage besides the porn addiction and the fooling around...so I stayed.

Funny enough, the reasons I finally walked away had very little to do with the affairs.


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## Ruby (May 10, 2002)

My first one did, that's why I'm married the second time. I saw the signs but ignored them. Then found evidence. I had to do the leaving because we were living in the house with his parents. I remarried and DH and I celebrated our 40th in Feb.

We run across the ex once in a while at my son's house. He told me once about 10 yrs ago he has regretted what he did to lose me a million times. I said, guess what it's a little late for that.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

tinknal said:


> Apparently you feel totally comfortable judging, as you continue to do so.


I am making *MY choices*,feel free to make yours,I couldnt care less what you choose to do no matter how stupid it is *in MY world*,you can do whatever you like.

Judgmental,NO,*I dont care what you do*. Would *I*,no way no how stand for it.

And yes,Im judgmental A LOT,if you arent you will willingly and blindly walk into situations that can kill you,you better be able to make judgments.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

I think for some people its just a hard question to answer, particularly if you have never been there. I dont know what I would do and I suspect it would depend on the circumstances, our place in the journey of life etc but I learned long ago not to be so absolute. Some people are coming across as extremely bitter and positive in what they would do and I suspect they have felt the sting previously so its easier to have defined actions planned while some others havent really thought about it ir encountered it so they have a different view. Either way, it would be devastating and hard to forgive.


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## Jokarva (Jan 17, 2010)

CountryWannabe said:


> I am not sure that a "bit on the side" would manage to be a major obstacle in a heretofore excellent marriage. Heck, if she likes housework I might even invite her to stay.
> 
> Mary


LOL! The older I get the more I get to thinking this way...


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## Guest (Jul 27, 2011)

salmonslayer said:


> I think for some people its just a hard question to answer, particularly if you have never been there. I dont know what I would do and I suspect it would depend on the circumstances, our place in the journey of life etc but I learned long ago not to be so absolute. Some people are coming across as extremely bitter and positive in what they would do and I suspect they have felt the sting previously so its easier to have defined actions planned while some others havent really thought about it ir encountered it so they have a different view. Either way, it would be devastating and hard to forgive.


On the other hand, maybe some people have experienced it and realize it's not the end of the world. And maybe some other people crow a lot about what they would do, because they've never been faced with it. It's like you see some people here, on this thread, threatening bodily harm or even murder. Are you serious? You really believe those people have based such outrageous claims on their own personal experiences? They're thinking murdering their spouse is a rational response?


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## PlicketyCat (Jul 14, 2010)

salmonslayer said:


> Some people are coming across as extremely... positive in what they would do... they have felt the sting previously so its easier to have defined actions planned....


I think that's about the long and short of it :thumb:

It's easy to hypothesize that you'd be reasonable, forgiving, etc in a devastating situation... but until you've been through it for real, you don't really know what you'd do. Once you go through it, there's never a doubt in your mind exactly what you'd do if it happened again.

ETA: That works either direction, btw... ending it or working through it.


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## Jolly (Jan 8, 2004)

In the immortal words of Troy Landry:

*Choot 'em!*


Well....maybe not, but I'd sure feel like it...


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## alpacamom (Jan 28, 2007)

Even though I've been through it before, I can't say I would do the same this time. 

My ex and I were married 10 years. He was in the USN and cheated on me many times over that 10 years. Each time I found out, he swore it would never happen again. I found out about the first time when reading his medical records and finding out he had contracted an STD when he was in the Philippines. Then, a few years later, he got another and I had to get a huge dose of an antibiotic, even though I never tested positive for it (that I know of). Every time he cheated, it was with someone he had to pay for. I went to counseling and learned to love myself and respect myself, but still stayed, but I didn't trust him at all. Finally, I couldn't live like that anymore and I met/moved in with my current hubby. I was single for all of 6 days between my divorce hearing and marriage to my current hubby. He and I have been married 14 years. I don't know what I would do if he ever cheated on me. I don't know if I'd leave/force him to leave. We have kids. I think we would get counseling and try to fix things. I tried hard to make it work with my ex. I did everything I could, but he wasn't willing to work on it. Also, it happened so many times that I couldn't trust him anymore. 

So honestly, unless someone has been in the situation, it's really hard to say what someone would do. Even though I've been through it before, I still don't know what I'd do if it happened with this husband. Like I said, I'd like to say that I'd hope we'd get counseling and work on things.


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## Fair Light (Oct 13, 2010)

You can not imagine what it's like until it happens to you...yes it takes 2 to make it and 2 to break it....I accept the things I did wrong in the marriage...but I have NO responsibility for his cheating....He later told me he cheated and wanted me to find out about it...so I would leave him...it's called an "exit" affair..I was devastated.....totally blindsighted.....After 18 years with the man I thought was my soul mate...I realized that the whole thing was one big lie....it was horrible...It would have been better if he would have just told me he wanted out....that would have been bad enough...but the cheating was the worse....He just HAD to go....I couldn't even stand the sight of him anymore...that was almost 5 years ago...and I have no regrets about that decision...Your friend will have to find her own way....I say "get out" of that...one of them has to go...if he won't leave then she needs to..


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## whiskeylivewire (May 27, 2009)

Hinton Lady hit the nail on the head. Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is totally different. I actually tried to work it out with the ex after his cheating because I loved him and we were having a baby. The distrust about killed me. It also makes it hard to trust anyone about anything. I cried for months after him and then I didn't cry for 2 1/2 years. I wanted to cry, man did I want to cry, but I couldn't. 

DH has never cheated on me though when we first started dating he did talk to other women while we were "exclusive". It still bothers me and probably makes me a bit more jealous than I normally would be. I can't stand the thought of him kissing someone else, touching someone else, loving someone else. If DH ever did cheat I don't know if I would leave, stay or just cry. 

I was thinking about this tonight after first posting and what I do know is that he would get a punch in the face and then I'd think about the rest of it. It's making me a bit nauceous to think about it...I think I'll just remember that he loves me and to him marriage is forever, as it is to me.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

What would I do if DH cheated on me? Before or after his date with the garbage disposal?


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## Wendy (May 10, 2002)

OK, I have 3 brothers that are now divorced. All 3 the wives cheated. My brothers are all too nice as they did everything for their wives. Wives stayed home, came & went as they pleased, had money to spend, husbands that doted on them & bragged on them all the time. I told them they are too nice!

Brother #1 divorced & is now remarried. 
Brother #2 is divorced. He tried counseling & his ex made a joke out of it. Then she couldn't believe he actually filed for divorce. Their son now sits in jail & the reason he gave the judge for getting into drugs was because of his parents divorce & the stress it caused.
Brother #3 is divorced. His ex has moved in & out 3 different times. She now lives somewhere else with most likely the guy she was/is seeing. She comes to my brothers during the day & plays the role of wife & mommy. Does laundry, works in the garden, etc., & then goes home to her boyfriend each night. She wants both worlds. My brother is an idiot for allowing this. 

What kind of example do you set for your kids when you allow your spouse to disrepsect you & treat you like dirt?? I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo sick of people cheating without giving a passing thought as to how it will affect their kids. I am sick of people lying to my face saying they aren't cheating when they are & there is proof. Like if they tell enough lies it might come true. I have so many screwed up nieces/nephews because of the lying & cheating. 

I demand respect from my husband & will accept no less. He knew this when we got married. I would never allow him to make a fool out of me. My brother has no idea how many people think he is an idiot for letting his ex come & go as she pleases. She still has a key. He is so blind in love with her that he allows her to treat him like dirt. And all the while his kids see this & then they grow up thinking that is what's normal.

I want my kids to have parents that show each other respect & love. I dont' want them to think it's ok for your spouse to cheat & treat you badly. We took our vows seriously & I wish more people would do so. I could never lie to my husband about where I was or who I was with. I really don't know how people sleep at night with some of the stuff they do. They must not have a conscience!


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

I honestly don't know what I would do. I guess it would depend on the circumstances. 

I'm not financially dependent on my husband, so I wouldn't have to stick around if I didn't want to. :shrug:


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

alpacamom said:


> So honestly, unless someone has been in the situation, it's really hard to say what someone would do.


I see this thought a lot. Ican tell you,*I know exactly what I would do *in many situations,and would do exactly that.

Ive never had a heart attack either,but I do know how to treat one.

Fidelity is not negotiable with me,or the Mrs.


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## TxHorseMom (Feb 21, 2011)

SageLady said:


> But if it ACTUALLY happened to you you might be singin' a different tune. 30 years is alot to toss away. I wouldn't be tossin' my 36 year marriage away without turning over a few stones to figure out what went wrong for both of us. Not to say I haven't threatened DH's life if he ever cheats on me though.


Nope, don't care if it's 30 years or 100. Cheating is cheating. If he loves me he won't cheat. He expects the same from me. If I were to cheat, I'd be told to hit the road and don't let the door hit me in the behind when I go.

Seems to me that someone cheated on you and you want to work things out. If that's what you want to do, than do it. You asked what WE would do and we told you. Just because we don't agree with you doesn't mean that is what you have to do. And just because we don't agree with you doesn't mean our answer is wrong either.


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## SageLady (Jun 10, 2008)

TxHorseMom said:


> Nope, don't care if it's 30 years or 100. Cheating is cheating. If he loves me he won't cheat. He expects the same from me. If I were to cheat, I'd be told to hit the road and don't let the door hit me in the behind when I go.
> 
> Seems to me that someone cheated on you and you want to work things out. If that's what you want to do, than do it. You asked what WE would do and we told you. Just because we don't agree with you doesn't mean that is what you have to do. And just because we don't agree with you doesn't mean our answer is wrong either.


Nope, no one has cheated on me. Been happily married for 36 years. I've just witnessed it alot in my lifetime, seen alot of families hurt badly when split up and seen others mend their relationships successfully. 

I don't care if anyone agrees with me and vice versa. I just had some time today to join in the discussion and was offering my opinion, just like everyone else here....


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

I will forgive anything once.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

I havent read all of the posts here, but have scanned through most of them. I find a LOT of them to be rather negative toward what they deem as cheating. I have a question...... if your spouse is honest with you, and tells you about their relationship with others.... is it still cheating? I am curious to know if its the "affair" or the deception that bothers you? For me the honesty thing would have a much greater affect on my decision than would the adultery.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> I havent read all of the posts here, but have scanned through most of them. I find a LOT of them to be rather negative toward what they deem as cheating. I have a question...... if your spouse is honest with you, and tells you about their relationship with others.... is it still cheating? I am curious to know if its the "affair" or the deception that bothers you? For me the honesty thing would have a much greater affect on my decision than would the adultery.


The time to be honest is BEFORE going out and having relations with another....and then if they are still dead set on having relations with another, sign the divorce papers before hand.


So no, I still would not forgive and forget if the admitted to an affair. They'd still be gone.

I know other people are more flexible about this kind of thing....not me, nor my dh are that kinda flexible.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

NickieL said:


> The time to be honest is BEFORE going out and having relations with another....


Exactly my point. If your spouse tells you about the relationship as it develops, openly and honestly.... is it still "cheating"? Remember, there are very few people who just one day up and decide to go out and find someone and have an affair. Most of the time life places these temptations in our path, and things just sorta go from there.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Exactly my point. If your spouse tells you about the relationship as it develops, openly and honestly.... is it still "cheating"? Remember, there are very few people who just one day up and decide to go out and find someone and have an affair. Most of the time life places these temptations in our path, and things just sorta go from there.


Well, DH would be free to continue that relationship...but I would no longer be part of his life.


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## Haven (Aug 16, 2010)

I find it interesting that most people say they would be out the door immediately. My mother has TONS of friends and co workers and growing up over the years she has always shared the various dramas and affairs. From what I have seen, most people choose to stay when affairs happen. 1- for the kids 2- because divorce is expensive and emotionally draining 3- for financial reasons/not wanting to lose their lifestyle 4- they stay together for years and choose an open marriage or live apart as if they were single but remain married on paper 5- because they no longer like their spouse and simply dont care what they do

Most of the divorced people I know, or know of, divorced when they were in their 20s. It seems like the longer a couple is together, the more they have invested in the relationship, and the less likely they are to divorce at the drop of a hat.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

NickieL said:


> Well, DH would be free to continue that relationship...but I would no longer be part of his life.


So, at which point would you walk out? When he came home from work and announced the boss had hired a new receptionist, or maybe when he told you that the new girl spoke to him at the water cooler about the weather? Or would you stick around long enough for him to tell you he thought she was attractive?


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

If he told me he was going to stray, I would say NO WAY. we'd go from there/work it out so long as he didn't actually stray. If he ignored our vows to each other and went and had a relationship (and I don;t mean a friendship, I mean SEX). He'd be gone. Sorry. I don't believe in having an "open" marriage. Kinda defeats the purpose of marriage. But, I don't need to worry, DH has the same view on these things as I so I will never have to deal with this.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Exactly my point. If your spouse tells you about the relationship as it develops, openly and honestly.... is it still "cheating"?


"...forsaking all others..." It doesn't get much clearer than that, does it? If they break that vow, their vows are broken, and the marriage is over. They might be able to develop a NEW set of vows ("I'll never do it again, honey! I swear!" ) and they might even mean those new vows... who knows?

But, for myself, I wouldn't be able believe them, and the marriage would be over the moment those vows were broken -- everything after that is just fallout.

What POINT would I walk? Well, first of all, I wouldn't be the one doing the walking -- so the better question might be "At what point would you go your separate ways?" The answer to that would be "the moment I had proof that he had slept with someone else or given them a level of emotional regard which should be exclusively mine, as his wife". 

We are all human. We can all feel attracted to another adult who is not our spouse, for whatever reason. The problems arise when we ACT on that attraction, whether it is manipulating situations to spend more time in their company, or actually having an all-out affair. I take that "forsaking all others" seriously -- and the vows create the marriage, not the bit of paper you signed to make it "legal", so breaking those vows ends it, not the signing of more bits of legalese.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

NickieL said:


> If he told me he was going to stray, I would say NO WAY. we'd go from there/work it out so long as he didn't actually stray. If he ignored our vows to each other and went and had a relationship (and I don;t mean a friendship, I mean SEX). He'd be gone. Sorry. I don't believe in having an "open" marriage. Kinda defeats the purpose of marriage. But, I don't need to worry, DH has the same view on these things as I so I will never have to deal with this.


So if I get this right, its the sex that becomes the issue, over and above just a friendly relationship? Even if you know he thinks this girl is "hot" and is most likely making love to her in his mind while hes with you?


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

now you are just grasping at straws


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Tracy Rimmer said:


> "...forsaking all others..." It doesn't get much clearer than that, does it? If they break that vow, their vows are broken, and the marriage is over. They might be able to develop a NEW set of vows ("I'll never do it again, honey! I swear!" ) and they might even mean those new vows... who knows?
> 
> But I wouldn't believe them. And the marriage would be over the moment those vows were broken -- everything after that is just fallout.


Actually "forsaking all others" isnt all that clear. Should a person sever all ties and relationships with all others? or just the physical act of having sex with them?


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

NickieL said:


> now you are just grasping at straws


Nope, I am now getting to the meat of the matter.  Seriously, would you want to be lied to or deceived, even if your spouse was "technically" faithful?


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Both of us will note someone who looks good, we don't act on it. Heck, I'll even point out some to DH that I know he would think are attractive and we'll joke about it. But we love each other, would never step out on each other. We are secure in our marriage, open and honest. This stuff isn't even on our radar, he knows I'd be gone in a heartbeat if he cheated. perhaps him knowing that up front has kept him from straying...but whatever


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Actually "forsaking all others" isnt all that clear. Should a person sever all ties and relationships with all others? or just the physical act of having sex with them?


Actually, it is pretty clear, in context. Anyone who has made those vows should probably remember the part prior to that is, "Do you promise to love, honour and cherish...forsaking all others..."

So, if he were to love (romantically), honour (as he would his wife) or cherish (take care of, emotionally fulfil) another woman (the other he promised to forsake), the vow would be broken.


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## Smalltowngirl (Mar 28, 2010)

Emotional affairs either started in person or online are as big of a deal as actual sex IMO.
If you aren't happy or don't feel fulfilled emotionally/physically in your marriage, get out BEFORE starting to look for a replacement.
Men & women somehow think if there's no sex & they're physically faithful, then it's not an affair. They couldn't be more wrong. 

I stayed after repeated affairs both physical & some emotional ones; there are times I still question my commitment to the marriage when I see him being dishonest even on little, non-relationship matters.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Tracy Rimmer said:


> Actually, it is pretty clear, in context. Anyone who has made those vows should probably remember the part prior to that is, "Do you promise to love, honour and cherish...forsaking all others..."
> 
> So, if he were to love (romantically), honour (as he would his wife) or cherish (take care of, emotionally fulfil) another woman (the other he promised to forsake), the vow would be broken.


Interesting interpretation.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

NickieL said:


> Both of us will note someone who looks good, we don't act on it. Heck, I'll even point out some to DH that I know he would think are attractive and we'll joke about it. But we love each other, would never step out on each other. We are secure in our marriage, open and honest. This stuff isn't even on our radar, he knows I'd be gone in a heartbeat if he cheated. perhaps him knowing that up front has kept him from straying...but whatever


Hmmmm, and what has kept you from straying?


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

*your spouse cheats..what would you do?*



mamita said:


> it got me curious. what exactly would you immediately do? you?


1. Ask why?
2. Ask "what now"?

I would never file, for divorce. 
If he did, I would fight it tooth and nail.

Whatever the outcome, I would forgive him.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Hmmmm, and what has kept you from straying?


I hold high standards for myself too.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

Smalltowngirl said:


> Emotional affairs either started in person or online are as big of a deal as actual sex IMO.
> If you aren't happy or don't feel fulfilled emotionally/physically in your marriage, get out BEFORE starting to look for a replacement.
> Men & women somehow think if there's no sex & they're physically faithful, then it's not an affair. They couldn't be more wrong.
> 
> I stayed after repeated affairs both physical & some emotional ones; there are times I still question my commitment to the marriage when I see him being dishonest even on little, non-relationship matters.


I agree, I too find honesty to be the most important factor in a good relationship. I did not get married to have control over my Yvonne... she is perfectly free to do as she wishes, as long as she is honest about things... which so far I am sure she has been... evidenced by the fact that I am still with her.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> I agree, I too find honesty to be the most important factor in a good relationship. I did not get married to have control over my Yvonne... she is perfectly free to do as she wishes, as long as she is honest about things... which so far I am sure she has been... evidenced by the fact that I am still with her.


so is she free to have an affair, and you would be fine with that so long as she told you about it?


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

NickieL said:


> I hold high standards for myself too.


Perhaps he does too. without the threat of you leaving him if he were to stray!


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Perhaps he does too. without the threat of you leaving him if he were to stray!


I know he does. thats why I never have to worry. If he didn't I wouldn't of married him.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

NickieL said:


> so is she free to have an affair, and you would be fine with that so long as she told you about it?


would I be fine with it??? prolly not, I have an ego, just like everyone else and it would be bruised most likely, however, I would not toss her to the curb for being human either.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> would I be fine with it??? prolly not, I have an ego, just like everyone else and it would be bruised most likely, however, I would not toss her to the curb for being human either.


"being human" is what allows us to rise above the other animals of the world and fight off urges. If they are giving in to others, they are not fighting it very hard.......they are not trying....out the door they'd be. Adults and most kids know the difference between right and wrong.


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## atobols (Jan 7, 2010)

I really don't know what I would do. DH is the most honorable person I know. I can't even imagine him lying to me let alone having a relationship with another woman. For him to do that there would have to be some pretty extreme extenuating circumstances. I would have to take all of that into consideration.

I think because of how strong our relationship is and have 2 small boys I would at least make an attempt to work things out with him.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

NickieL said:


> "being human" is what allows us to rise above the other animals of the world and fight off urges. If they are giving in to others, they are not fighting it very hard.......they are not trying....out the door they'd be.


There was a time when I thought this way too. Then one day Jimmy Carter changed all that.


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## Guest (Jul 27, 2011)

There's a mighty fine line between love & hate .


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## wogglebug (May 22, 2004)

shanzone2001 said:


> I will forgive anything once.


Close. I could forgive... well, understand a one-time situation. I can understand how circumstances can all combine, maybe along with alcohol, to lead to behaviour that was a mistake. I can also understand how something that looks like that can also be a dose of a date-rape drug. And I've also heard of malicious parties faking evidence of adultery.

Look, marriage vows were shaped for "love, honour and cherish" or "love, honour and obey". That's basically three legs of a tripod - take away any one and the whole thing falls down. Because people are people and need reminding about some specifics, they also spelled out "cleaving ONLY to" each other, and "with this body wilt I worship (or adore) thee" (which means indulging in the very important physical side of the marriage, which allows bonding in all aspects. No cutting the other off, no ongoing headaches, no behaviour which makes you unattractive to your partner).

So - back to "love, honour and cherish", which is still at least implied in civil marriages as well. Infidelity means the unfaithful party no longer honours their spouse. If that's the case, the love is gone, and they certainly are no longer caring for and looking after (cherishing) them. The cheater has basically torn-up the marriage contract, deliberately breaking the terms of the agreements (vows) they made going into the marriage. 

Marriage wassupposed to be "for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, insickness and in health, as long as ye both shall live. Biblically, and with good reason, adultery was the one automatic cause for divorce. A married couple have got to be a team working for the common good, rather than acting selfishly. Man or woman, cuckolding your partner, deliberately exposing them to the covert scorn of everyone who knows, from the adulterous parties to anyone they talk to and are seen by, is NOT acting for the common good. Adultery exposes the adulterer to every sexual disease an adulterous partner and all their sexual contacts and their whole branching network of contacts may have had. It also exposes the unwitting faithful partner to the same risks. Definitely not a loving, honourable or caring action.

I NEVER broke my wedding vows, but I wasn't devoid of opportunities and temptations. Again, I can understand a one-time mistake. Never forget, of course, but maybe forgive. However, I'd see a difference between a one-time slip, and a deliberate campaign against the marriage. A campaign could be an affair, a series of one-night stands, or even a series of other actions against the marriage culminating in sexual unfaithfulness. Whatever, it involves a whole string of decisions to break the wedding vows, and that's deliberate, not an accident. Once the adulterer has deliberately made confetti of the wedding contract, you don't really have a marriage left, do you? At that stage, you have a lot less years than you used to, to find a faithful partner for life, so maybe you shouldn't be wasting time.


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## lenii (Dec 31, 2005)

{QUOTE}And anybody with any sense at all knows that *love and sex *ain't the same thing.[/QUOTE]

IT IS FOR A *WOMAN*, therein lies the difference.


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## Old John (May 27, 2004)

SageLady said:


> And what if one spouse had denied the other spouse sex for many years? I think one would have to be a saint not to be unfaithful.


Well, it depends entirely on the reasons for the lack of Intimacy. 
If the Denial or Refusal is just out of "Meaness", Lack of Attraction, hatred, or Imagined Wrongs............Then you probably do not have much of a Marriage, to start with.........And you'd just as well Shut 'er Down And look for a better Marriage with someone more Loving.

If on the other hand the Refusal/Denial is because of Health Reasons or physical incapacitation, And you really Love each other....that's a whole different proposition. And it can be dealt with appropriately.

And honestly there are a lot of other ways of having conjugal Intimacy, than P/V Intimacy. IOW...There are a whole lot of ways to give Pleasure to your Lover than plain old P/V sex.
You both just need to care for each other.

I do not Believe in Cheating for any Reason. A Solemn Oath is a Binding Oath, or Vow.


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## mountainwmn (Sep 11, 2009)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> I havent read all of the posts here, but have scanned through most of them. I find a LOT of them to be rather negative toward what they deem as cheating. I have a question...... if your spouse is honest with you, and tells you about their relationship with others.... is it still cheating? I am curious to know if its the "affair" or the deception that bothers you? For me the honesty thing would have a much greater affect on my decision than would the adultery.


I did have a long term bf do that once. He was drunk, he called the next day and admitted it, apologized out the wazoo and never did it again. Still the relationship was never the same and I had to end it after a while. But he's one of the few ex's I'm still friends with.


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## michiganfarmer (Oct 15, 2005)

PrettyPaisley said:


> I guess I'm really in the minority. Most often a relationship doesn't go from a-okay to a situation where cheating is happening over night. I'd need to stop and take a serious look at the relationship and go from there.
> 
> Obviously something is not right-unless the person is a serial cheater. And I know they are out there, but most often there is way more to it than what meets the eye.


I agree.


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## Country Lady (Oct 2, 2003)

A lot of affairs happen because of the thrill of being secretive and once it's out in the open the thrill is no longer there. First of all, if I were to realize an affair was taking place, he'd leave not me. Second of all, I'd expose the affair to everyone, including his work place, his family, his children. I'd blow the thrill of the sneaking around sky high and put the facts out there. Call me vindictive if you want, and maybe I would be. I feel once either spouse cheats, they deserve whatever they get.


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## whiskeylivewire (May 27, 2009)

As to the "sex" being the cheating...I would be just as hurt by an emotional affair as a physical one. Maybe more so. It hurt more when I found out that the ex called his lover the same pet names he called me and told her he loved her. That killed me more than anything.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

Well I came late to the discussion but how you define "CHEATING" Should have been in the OP.
So how do you define cheating?


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Ok when I was with my Ex we got into Swinging,party all the time,it was taking up all our time.I had other interest asked my wife at the time to basically quit.She wouldn't.I left her for my present wife.

I had a Job where I was gone months at a time and I would mess around.Got caught,quit Job.Moved to the city Girls we knew was having trouble paying Bills.My wife suggested I Pimp them,which I did,my wife had to know I was sampling the Goods :shrug: We moved to our Farm before I got in trouble.

Had a friend that was having trouble getting pregnant.My wife noticed that I looked alot like her Husband and suggested I could help her out which I did,she had a girl.

Neighbor Girl wanted to have sex with me I turned her down.She had my wife convinced I was a Dog and she should move me out.Fine I moved in with another woman.Didn't tell her I was married,she had met my wife but didn't know.Met her Folks up in Iowa,made plans to get married.Come to the last minute told her I couldn't,because I was married.She run me off I went back to my wife that got mad because me and this other woman got along.The other woman called me two weeks later,forgiving me and still wanted to be my Girlfriend.I turned her down.

Told my wife we was getting too old for this BS that she wasn't going to have a problem with me straying but if she decides to she can leave I'm not going to worry because there is plenty other women out there.

Now days because of Health problems and Medication there isn't much sex but our relationship is stronger than it ever has been.

Ok eep: :lookout: :lookout: :lookout: 

big rockpile


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## Cabin Fever (May 10, 2002)

If my spouse cheated, what would I do? I believe I would curl up in a corner and never come back out. I could not fathom living another day.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

big rockpile said:


> Ok when I was with my Ex we got into Swinging,party all the time,it was taking up all our time.I had other interest asked my wife at the time to basically quit.She wouldn't.I left her for my present wife.
> 
> I had a Job where I was gone months at a time and I would mess around.Got caught,quit Job.Moved to the city Girls we knew was having trouble paying Bills.My wife suggested I Pimp them,which I did,my wife had to know I was sampling the Goods :shrug: We moved to our Farm before I got in trouble.
> 
> ...


 Jeese my life is boring compared to you...but I think I like it that way.


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## PlicketyCat (Jul 14, 2010)

If both parties agree that outside involvements are acceptable, that's one thing. I don't consider that cheating unless one of the "flings" is more than agreed upon and they're lying about it/hiding it. I've known several people with these sorts of open marriages and some of them work out (some don't). I've known couples who only swing together, others who allow their spouses to have other partners as long as they know about it and have some say, and others that allow their spouses to have other partners as long as they _don't_ know about it. The rules are different for every couple.

But if both parties don't agree to an open arrangement, esp. if one party most definitely explained that it emphatically *not* ok... outside involvements are cheating, even if the "guilty" party doesn't agree. When you're in a relationship, your behavior isn't just about what *you* think is acceptable, it's also about what *your partner* thinks is acceptable. That's why it's important to discuss these things ahead of time and reach an agreement you both can accept. You don't want to end up married to a compulsive flirt (much less a full-on cheater) if you just don't roll that way.

Anytime you feel it necessary to hide, cover up, or lie about something... you know darned well that you're doing something you shouldn't. Whether you agree with the restriction or not is irrelevant, you *know* that it's not acceptable within *your relationship*. It's the lying and breach of trust that's the most devastating aspect of infidelity on most relationships (assuming no fatal/incurable disease).


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## Pyrenees (Oct 23, 2004)

No defense for a pyschopathic spouse (in the sense of lack of conscious) who looks for a quick hookup in a bar. Tends to happen to younger couples who rushed into marriage.

In an established marriage, I have agree with those who said both spouses need to examine themselves and the marriage with regards to why it happened. Could never defend infidelity, but can understand the mechanics of why it happens. Usually not as simple as a black and white declaration that the one who strayed is a "insert-favorite-profanity".


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## beaglebiz (Aug 5, 2008)

big rockpile
big rockpile[/QUOTE said:


> BRP...no comment on your post, but pointing out many folks know high school French, and that isnt the hardest translation around. Might want to take that out for privacy
> JMO


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

I operate on a theory that I believe is taken from Scripture, and that is the following...

1. Pressure and events cause us pain (through life) and these things are felt most strongly when we are children.

2. When others do things to us (or fail to do things), the previous pain is triggered and we have "issues". These can be emotional, spiritual, or moral.

3. These "issues" can become seemingly intractable and we begin to assume that they are just part of our personality.

God created us in His image, with the intent that we commune with Him and with each other. We don't - often - today and these "issues" are the reason why we don't, but the "issue" doesn't have it's genesis in anything other than previously felt pain (as a result of another's sin, committed sin or omitted good).

The path to freedom is "simple"... to wit;

A. Our problems come from our hearts (Scripture is clear here)

B. Only God knows the heart

therefore... only God can heal the _real_ problems that we have. In fact, He is the only One who can _identify_ them.

In the situation described here, the spouse is 'cheating', but there is a reason they are doing that. The 'wronged' spouse may not be doing anything to cause it, or they may be unwittingly hurting their spouse every day. In some rare cases, the spouse is willingly hurting the other, and then still becoming outraged when they cheat. In all of these situations, we should care about both person's hearts... finding out where the pain exists, and helping them to resolve it.

Note that I did not prescribe staying with this spouse, divorce, separation, or anything else. These actions are the choice of the two persons... regardless, it is incumbent upon us (friends) to care for them and to help them heal.

It is against everything we 'know' to forgive and to help one another heal, because we 'deserve' to be angry. Really? Anger and bitterness hurt you.. they do little to the other party.

R


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

I may forgive, understand 'issues', not be angry or bitter. but I still wouldn't be with that person. then we'd just be friends.


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

I take a long time to forgive. In the meantime, I will not be using a toothbrush strangers have also used. Blech! Gag. Spit. Also, sexually transmitted diseases don't kill immediately and I am adverse to long-term suffering. Not knowing you have been exposed to certain diseases can leave a woman sterile before symptoms appear. No thank you. If he decides to cheat, he'd better pick someone he doesn't care about, as I will kill her in front of him and then turn on him...genitals first.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

I simply don't understand how the reason they are cheating is supposed to be dealt with by the spouse. as if they are somehow at fault. or should just easily forgive and move on. 'it takes two' well..sometimes one is rolling happily along not knowing the other isn't. listen..yes, some people have lots of issues, but that's not up to another person to fix nor deal with. it's up to the person with issues to resolve. quote all you want from the bible. it does not mean any person has to live with someone cheating. forgiveness may be in our hearts, but that doesn't mean we have to be stupid. why would anyone want to continue with someone that cheats? it's simple to say they made a mistake. the reality is they 'just aren't in to you'. that's not for me, and it's also strange to me that some say I might say this not knowing how I'd truly react. oh yeah..I know. you might not, but I do. it's not tough talk. it's a no-brainer. I don't come in second for anyone. ever. that may sound snotty, and if it does......I'm okey dokey with it.


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## GoldenCityMuse (Apr 15, 2009)

WindowOrMirror said:


> I operate on a theory that I believe is taken from Scripture, and that is the following...
> 
> 1. Pressure and events cause us pain (through life) and these things are felt most strongly when we are children.
> 
> ...


SOunds familiar - The current situation is rarely the cause of the problem.

While we were STILL sinners, CHrist died for us.
There are no guarantees in life.


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## acde (Jul 25, 2011)

I'd rather live in crowded 1 bedroom apt with someone faithful, than in a mansion with someone unfaithful


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

acde said:


> I'd rather live in crowded 1 bedroom apt with someone faithful, than in a mansion with someone unfaithful


AMEN to that. Money isn't everything. Money won't make me blind to unfaitfulnes:grin:


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## TxHorseMom (Feb 21, 2011)

Jesus may forgive.......I don't have to.

Seriously, I love my husband more than anything. It would devistate me if he were to cheat. But I still wouldn't put up with it. It is in our agreement. Neither one cheats, period. We've both had opportunities to cheat, neither one has. Between knowing what the consequences are, and our deep love for each other has kept us faithful. Just as we vowed to do to God, in church in front of our family and friends.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

tinknal said:


> I married for better of for worse. I meant it.


I agree. 

The Bible gives two options for divorce: Abuse and _unrepentant_ infidelity. (And no, saying you're sorry and doing it again does not count as "repenting"  )
That's pretty much what it would take for me, too. 


BTW, I think there are a number of people here who genuinely don't understand how most affairs occur.


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## Old John (May 27, 2004)

Yi-ep, It's a "Deal Breaker, for most folks. Once that Trust has been broken, it is near impossible to gain it back. And if you stayed, it would be like living under a constant threat of it happening again.
Not many folks want to live like that. It's best just to accept the fact that the Marriage Vows are irredeemabley broken......and move on, whereever that leads you.


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## Our Little Farm (Apr 26, 2010)

I agree Old John totally.


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

NickieL said:


> "being human" is what allows us to rise above the other animals of the world...


Sadly, being "human" really means that we can now - willfully - sink well beneath the behavior of any simple animal and behave in ways "baser" lifeforms would consider anathema.

We rise above baser lifeforms when we decide to act as we were originally created, in God's image. As you live your life, you'll see this happen less and less in the world, and will endeavor to make it happen in yourself more and more. You'll wonder why more don't.

R


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

Did the Op ever say exactly How the person in question cheated?


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## OUVickie (Mar 8, 2003)

Considering the diseases you can pass along so easily nowadays, taking the risk of staying with a cheater can be deadly. 
IMO - there's no excuse for cheating when you can divorce a person instead, but that's my house rules.
I'm like many of you, I can move on, I don't want to live like that and my daughter is grown so there are no reasons to consider staying for me.

I have a friend that has forgiven her husband more than once. He always talks his way out of it. It's their marriage, so I'm not going to butt in. If she asked I'd tell her if she wants to stay, then I'd insist on marriage counseling. Sometimes when women, especially, constantly put up with cheaters, it's because they grew up observing that behavior. I'm not saying that's always the case, but in the instance of my friend, I know it to be so. It's sad, but it's their life not mine.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

fantasymaker said:


> Did the Op ever say exactly How the person in question cheated?


 That is kind of a good question. Some posters seem bothered by their significant other even talking to a member of the opposite sex.


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## am1too (Dec 30, 2009)

Not very secure in their relationship are they?


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## dixieland (Feb 19, 2010)

Do they have medical problems, or did they do thru Menopause?


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## Catalytic (Sep 15, 2010)

salmonslayer said:


> I love my wife and couldnt imagine ever cheating on her but just in case she reminds me that I have to sleep sometimes and to remember Lorena Bobbit...keeps me in check.


Lorena Bobbit has nothing on this latest one that threw it in the garbage disposal. DH knows I have darn good aim and a bunch of pistols. I don't have a garbage disposal, but I do have pigs!


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## nduetime (Dec 15, 2005)

I am with CabinFever...I would just curl up in a corner and die. Could not possible imagine life going on without him. If my Dh cheated he would have to have become a different person altogether. The person I know...I can trust my very life with. Certainly we have our moments but there is always love and trust behind every squabble. I once told a friend that my hubby was as steady as a heartbeat which was a good thing because he holds mine.


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## countrysunshine (Jul 3, 2008)

Reading this thread is kind of entertaining but sad, too. 

I always said I would forgive anything he did to me once. Now, to my kids was a different story. That is still my belief I would forgive anything once.

I once had a psychiatrist tell me, "Most people have the wrong idea about cheating. They think it is something the cheater does TO their spouse or their kids. It isn't. They are punishing themselves. They know better and think they don't deserve better."

I don't think that is true in all cases but I believe it is in a lot.


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## Oat Bucket Farm (Jul 28, 2006)

NickieL said:


> And do they not speak to each other about this? They have not bothered to seek help or medical reasons? If they refuse, then there is something called divorce. It's legal.
> You can do what you like THEN. But while married, NO. I guess we just have higher standards, my dh and I, about loyalty then some. DH knows he only gets one chance. he wouldn't dare step out on me, and vice versa. I think some folks just need to up their self esteem, pick better mates, and make it clear from the get go that there are "no do-overs", ever. Despite what many women I know believe who are in horrid relationships (some very abusive) you do NOT need a man that badly in this world to have to put up with that carp. I almost left my DH once, when he got really heavy into drinking and was losing control of his behavior. Told him if he didn't stop, I'd be gone. he loved me enough to never touch a drop again. You DO NOT have to put up with that kind of stuff, life is far too short



This could easily have been something I had written. I agree, there are no do-overs or second chances when it comes to cheating and hitting. In both instances I would completely lose my trust and respect for him. 

My husband too had an issue with drinking. I too had to tell him he was either going to stop or lose his wife and kids. He chose to stop drinking and has been dry for going on 10 years. He knows that if he chooses to start again, there won't be a second chance.

I agree, life is too short to put up with that kind of stuff.


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## salmonslayer (Jan 4, 2009)

Catalytic said:


> Lorena Bobbit has nothing on this latest one that threw it in the garbage disposal. DH knows I have darn good aim and a bunch of pistols. I don't have a garbage disposal, but I do have pigs!


 Ouch!!

Frankly I wouldnt know what to think if some hottie tried to pick me up...I'd think I was on some sort of candid camera or something. The Mrs does have a lonely old guy around here that just dotes on her though and she spoils him rotten. She is always fixin extra baked goods and stuff for him and makes a fuss over him when he is around and he loves the attention.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

I believe the French have a saying -- "When sex leaves a marriage, it usually goes elsewhere."

Yup!


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

OUVickie said:


> Considering the diseases you can pass along so easily nowadays, taking the risk of staying with a cheater can be deadly.
> .


Yet men are expected to stay with a cheater in most cases. Lucky for us its very uncommon to pick up a disease from a woman thats cheating.


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## PyroDon (Jul 30, 2006)

Not an issue , my spouse wouldnt cheat any more than I would .
That being said once betrayed you can never regain trust and without trust and honesty there is no marriage anyway


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

It's impossible to be ?"secure in a relationship" while being cheated on.


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## megafatcat (Jun 30, 2009)

I guess she thought I loved her

My wife found out about my girlfriend so I kicked girlfriend to the curb and trying to fix things with wife. I lived with girlfriend for 4+ years on the road with my work. I am sure she will be okay. I promised to help her but wife didn't like that. My marriage is more important than her.


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## thesedays (Feb 25, 2011)

Haven't read the whole thread, but one thing I've observed is that if a marriage survives a spouse's infidelity, it often turns out that the other partner had, at some time, been unfaithful too, so they had no right to split with them for something they had done themselves.


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

In my first marriage...my ex had tried to sleep with my aunt after my son was born....we fought, but I was young..and didnt leave. So I had an affair..and got pregnant. I never told my husband. Many years later...I suspected..but nothing concrete. He was very controlling..sometimes abusive....but it went both ways, I admit. When I started working....yes..i played around. I wasnt happy..I had spoken to him about ending it..and he would always say he wanted to "try"..blah blah. My heart wasnt into this charade anymore. He was even playing around by this point..but refused to let go of the marriage. I just WANTED OUT..thats it....JUST to end the charade..and go on with my life. He made my life a living Heck. 
Had to get a restraining order....

I am now very happily married to DH2..would never cheat on him. Not in a million years. If he cheated on me..would I let him go? would I stand aside and allow another woman to have him? NOPE


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## jaredI (Aug 6, 2011)

Some marriages may survive, after one or both cheat, and may become stronger then ever. However, these are few and far between. My first wife was cheating on me, we tried to work it out for several years. I have come to the opinion that if the spouse thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, she better plan on staying in that pasture because I'm going to lock the gate and move on with my life. I will never try to make a relationship work after an episode of cheating.


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## Jackie (Jun 20, 2008)

Immaculate Sublimity said:


> ok heres another wrench for the thinking department -
> 
> lets say theres a descrepancy.... someone says your spouse cheated with them... your spouse vehemently denies it.... who do you believe?


Exactly THIS happened to me. He says he never would and explained to me what actually happened. I am not sure.. I tell him I believe HIM though. But one thing is for sure. We both took major steps to ensure no one could ever 'accuse' him of it again. And I 100% believe that since the incident there hasnt been a reason for anyone to think he has done anything. This was 1.5 years ago and I fully believe our lives are better because I took his side. Our relationship is a very complicated weird one so this isn;t the advice I would give to other people most times though.


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

I , having once cheated,..and being cheated ON, can honestly say that something is missing within the relationship if somebody cheats. It has nothing to do with looks, money, status.....there is SOMETHING another person is giving that they lack within the relationship. 

why do those relationships <when one leaves for another> fail? because that person was only filling SOME of what they were missing..not all of it. <rare that it is all>. You <or me> was fulfilling the rest of it. We have need based relationships. that is how we are built. 

Relationships CAN be saved if your spouse cheats, but finding out WHAT it is the other does for them. Maybe its something you did..but stopped. Maybe the relationship is unexciting <sex wise>

If you <man or woman> want to guard your relationship, be all and then some to your spouse. Threats of divorce and death isnt going to stop a starving person from eating.


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## therunbunch (Oct 5, 2009)

I've always said I'd NEVER TOLERATE it at all. But.. my first husband cheated on me.. and I've put up with my 2nd husband looking at inappropriate things on the internet and "checking up" on his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends just because he's "curious what they've been up to". What kind of person does that make me? I guess I'm stupid. If he physically cheated, I'd leave. Right now I stay so that my 4 children can have 2 parents that love them. The physical part of the relationship unfortunately is no longer at the top of my priority list. I guess every marriage and circumstance is different.


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

therunbunch said:


> I've always said I'd NEVER TOLERATE it at all. But.. my first husband cheated on me.. and I've put up with my 2nd husband looking at inappropriate things on the internet and "checking up" on his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends just because he's "curious what they've been up to". What kind of person does that make me? I guess I'm stupid. If he physically cheated, I'd leave. Right now I stay so that my 4 children can have 2 parents that love them. The physical part of the relationship unfortunately is no longer at the top of my priority list. I guess every marriage and circumstance is different.


 Perhaps he IS just curious. 

I dont really consider "porn" to be cheating, but if he is doing that..then maybe you should start putting it number 1 on your list? Maybe that is a hint? I would put the kids to bed early, and make him CURIOUS about coming home <evil grin>


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

ErinP said:


> I agree.
> 
> The Bible gives two options for divorce: Abuse and _unrepentant_ infidelity.


I think Adultery, Abuse or Addiction are all causes for divorce. Addiction can cause a whole host of additional problems, and cause financial ruin, which hurts the whole family. Addiction can cause abuse, and can lead to adultery too. 

I love my hubby so much! Next month we will celebrate our 28th anniversary. If he cheated on me, I could never trust him again. I just wouldn't be able to get past that. Our relationship would be ruined. Sex with him would be out of the question. Like someone in an earlier post said, I wouldn't use someone else's dirty toothbrush. I surely wouldn't want to be exposed to sexually transmitted diseases. Why stay married under the circumstances? And, why not free both of us up to move on with our lives. Presumably, he would have already found someone else. Someone worth ending our marriage for.

My brother cheated on his wife. She found out, and was devastated. She threw him out. They went through months of counseling, and eventually, she agreed to let him come home. She didn't trust him though, and part of the terms of letting him back was that he had to let her snoop in his personal and work email, listen to his voicemail, etc. She was obsessed. She told everyone who would listen about the affair. She brought the affair up in every conversation with him and with everyone else. He had another affair, presumably one of the exit affairs mentioned in the earlier post. They divorced, and it destroyed the wife. She really self-destructed over this. It was so painful to watch. He was my brother, but I sided with his wife. He caused this, and I was very upset with him.

I'm not willing to self destruct. I think I would calmly list our marital assets and discuss with hubby how to divide them, and see if we could have an amicable divorce without spending everything we have worked for on lawyers.


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## TriWinkle (Oct 2, 2011)

therunbunch said:


> The physical part of the relationship unfortunately is no longer at the top of my priority list.


I always liked Ron White's take on this..."I'm a good dog, but if you don't pet me, I ain't staying under the porch."


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

I have been married for 35 years. It really was love at first sight for both of us. I won the husband lottery when I found my guy. I adore him and whenever we have been apart and he sees me his eyes light up and he grins like a fool.

What would I do if he cheated? Walk away and never look back. If I cheated he would walk away and never look back. A relationship that does not have trust and honesty and respect isn't worth keeping. Once your bond is broken there is no peace or security.


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## Guest (Nov 16, 2011)

therunbunch said:


> I've always said I'd NEVER TOLERATE it at all. But.. my first husband cheated on me.. and I've put up with my 2nd husband looking at inappropriate things on the internet and "checking up" on his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends just because he's "curious what they've been up to". What kind of person does that make me? I guess I'm stupid. If he physically cheated, I'd leave. Right now I stay so that my 4 children can have 2 parents that love them. The physical part of the relationship unfortunately is no longer at the top of my priority list. I guess every marriage and circumstance is different.



HUGS..If I remember correctly didn't your dh just come home from the Military for good after being gone for months or maybe a year or more from you and the kids? If so knowing he has been looking on the internet for info on his ex-wife & ex-girlfriend I would absolutely think he was not being faithful to you while he was gone..BTDT with my dh (my situation was a little different though..because I didn't have a live birth until the end of his 4yr term) whom is a Marine..I feel my kids also need to have both parents(my father was a cheater) in their lives coming from a broken family myself I don't want that for my kids and have made it my PRIORITY to keep my family together..I let the past go..however in your situation I've never known my dh to repeat any of the past actions since we have been together a full solid 17yrs out of 22yrs of marriage.. and believe me I've watched for any signs that might make me even think he might not being faithful...I'm truly not sure if I could go back to all the pain I/we endured back then..I will be thinking of you..pm anytime you want to talk!


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## Jonathan (Oct 26, 2011)

I wasn't able to read through the entire thread, but wanted to chime in. Like others have said, cheating is most often a symptom of a some other problem. Even if one spouse leaves the other in the end I believe it is worthwhile to dig find the real problem that lead to the cheating. That knowledge could very well be beneficial in future relationships.

I would never marry a woman who told me she would leave, without even attempting to work things out, if I broke one of her "Rules". This includes a rule about cheating, which I have never done and never expect to do. This goes for any "rule". If she doesn't love me enough to try to work things out, instead of just leaving because of some pre-defined rule then I would never even consider entering into a marriage with her.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

Jonathan said:


> I would never marry a woman who told me she would leave, without even attempting to work things out, if I broke one of her *"Rules"*. This includes a rule about cheating, which I have never done and never expect to do. This goes for any "rule". If she doesn't love me enough to try to work things out, instead of just leaving because of some pre-defined rule then I would never even consider entering into a marriage with her.


Marriage vows aren't "her rules". They are a vow to your spouse, and a covenant with God. You speak as though you think cheating on your wife is in the same category as leaving your underwear on the floor.

I would never marry a man who thinks cheating on me is nothing more than breaking "my rules". No self respecting woman would. 

So let me ask, how would you handle it if your wife cheated on you, and thought it was no biggie, because it as only one of "your rules"?


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## magenta flame (Sep 16, 2011)

My first husband cheated on me. I kept overlooking it until they all began to flaunt it (they'd call the house, he'd bring me to the gas station where one of them would pump our gas, gawk over my daughter and completely ignore me/not acknowledge I was sitting right there in the truck). He was abusive and a control freak, wouldn't let me near the money. Had more to do with youth, fear and ignorance than anything else. His mom was psycho. Parents were divorced, etc. I simply began to bide my time until he decided to open a joint account. I then took exactly half the savings and moved out. After that he told me if I would just have sex with him, everything would be OK. I had never turned him down for sex before, I had quite the sex drive myself. But, I just couldn't do it with him while he was cheating. When it came to court day, I told the judge I wasn't ready. I wanted to save the marriage, had developed a relationship with GOD, knew it would have been the right thing to do for me emotionally, etc. Husband said no way, he wanted out. Divorce granted.

Years went by and no matter what or whom, I always had this nagging in the back of my heart and mind that I belonged with him, that any other relationship after that first marriage was a fraud. Doesn't matter. He's remarried to the one he lived with before he and I ever dated (his first love, I guess). He hates her, but he'd never leave her, I don't think. He did call me when he had a near death experience and asked my forgiveness for everything he ever did to me. He told me that he keeps in the bottom of his lunchbox a letter from me which explained all the above to him about that nagging feeling. I guess he abused his present wife with how I was a great mother, great cook, etc.

I'm at the point that the idea of being subject to any man is not apealing. It could be a perfect guy and I still would not be tempted. I'm content with who I am and love having a perfect GOD as head and no one in-between to muck up GOD's provisions for me. There is just no allure to it. But, if it came to it: I would re-unite with that first husband. Not because I trust any person, but because I trust in GOD enough to trust being with anyone He wants me to be with.


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## Jonathan (Oct 26, 2011)

Common Tator said:


> Marriage vows aren't "her rules". They are a vow to your spouse, and a covenant with God. You speak as though you think cheating on your wife is in the same category as leaving your underwear on the floor.
> 
> I would never marry a man who thinks cheating on me is nothing more than breaking "my rules". No self respecting woman would.
> 
> So let me ask, how would you handle it if your wife cheated on you, and thought it was no biggie, because it as only one of "your rules"?


Sorry for the confusion, but no, I do not think that cheating is something to be taken lightly. The reference to her "rules" was specifically used in response to several comments I saw earlier in the thread from people saying something along the lines of "when we got married I had 2 rules", etc. As I said, this doesn't just apply to cheating. It applies to any ultimatum.

If my wife cheated on me I'd want to find out why. Was it because of some failure on my part in the relationship? If we could work things out so that we were both happy then I'm certainly prefer continuing the relationship. If not, then we would end it. I love her enough to put forth the effort to try to solve the real problem, not just say, "you cheated, so you're out of my life forever."


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

Not to go into too much detail but me and my wife have both cheated on each other in the past.

But when we got together my wife was fascinated by mine and my Ex's Open Marriage and my wild ways.We had never been together,she ran her now Ex off on Friday,invited me over the next Friday and convinced me to leave my now Ex and stay with her.Ok how could either of us expect the other to change.

My wife after we were married let on that all was fine with my relationship with other women,even went as far as to fix me up with another woman with the soul purpose of getting her pregnant.

After time another woman tried to get me to sleep with her.I turned her down out of spite she decided to break me and my wife up.She convince my wife how really Bad I was,my wife decided to have an affair with a very Bad Person.But to make it easier on her she fixed me up with another woman.Then she found me and this other woman was hitting it off Great and was talking Marriage.My wife was having problems dealing with this.

Told her we needed to quit being so stupid.Do you want to continue being my wife? Yes.Ok lets quit playing Games with these other people and quit seeing them and both us behave.The woman I was with didn't know I was married,did alot of crying.Called me couple weeks later asking if we could still be close? I told her I was sorry but best we didn't.

Been 18 years ago me and my wife have about as strong a marriage as anyone could ask for.

Just hope this helps for others to not lose all hope.

big rockpile


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

Common Tator said:


> Marriage vows aren't "her rules". They are a vow to your spouse, and a covenant with God.


So are the 10 Commandments. Ever broke one of them?


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

big rockpile said:


> and both us behave.


And there you have it - the perfect addition to traditional marriage vows . And I mean that sincerely. BRP - you crack me up!


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## uknowit (Nov 14, 2011)

I am positive that if my significant other cheated on me and I found out about it, we would be over. How can you not lose all respect for the other after something like this? And would you ever EVER trust that person again? NOT ME


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## boundarybunnyco (Sep 7, 2011)

when I was married before, at age 24, this happened to me, continuously through our 9 year marriage. I'd find other women's underwear in our bed, love notes in his car, he'd disappear for weekends. everyone in our small town thought he was such a wonderful person. he was a good person, other than the cheating. great father. loving husband. just couldn't stop cheating. I'd leave, and he'd be devastated and come crawling to me to beg forgiveness. It drove me stark raving mad. I couldn't understand how he could be so wonderful, yet so rotten. I felt that it was something that I was doing wrong. 
one night he pulled his same tricks, and I swallowed a bottle of pills and slashed my wrists. 
mind you, at the time, I had a four and five year old...
obviously I recovered. I went to counseling alone, and with my husband, and finally grew stronger and more independent. I left. He moved on, I didn't, and he kept coming to me even though he had a new live in.
after a year of being alone, I packed my kids and drove from montana to virginia and started over.
Now I'm remarried, and love hubby dearly. But there's a shell that nobody will ever break through, and never again will i be that vulnerable. If this hubby cheats, he's gone. We are best friends, we have a ton of respect for each other, and we have a pact. If one or the other wants out, we do it calmly and rationally. No making the other suffer any more than necessary.


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## Fat Charlie (Sep 9, 2010)

I had a short time GF mess around with a mutual friend when I was out of town for the weekend. I got told when I got back, so I sent her a half dozen roses and never spoke to her again. It took the guy a few days to get up the nerve to apologize to me (and he lived next door to me in the dorm) and it took me about 20 minutes to convince him that I was sincerely thankful for the favor that he did me: I only had a few weeks spent on her and if it hadn't been him then, it would have been some other guy 10 years later when there was a house and kids involved.​ 
A few weeks later I started seeing another girl. We've been madly in love for 20 years, married for 18. We wrote our own vows and due to a very complicated life we've lost all records of what they were. That's cool, though, because now there aren't any loopholes. We're married and in love and that's that. Outside of legally binding contracts, we've had the cheating conversation. We're clear that neither of us will accept cheating, and them's the ground rules. We're happy with that.

As to cheating being a symptom, I'm not buying it. It's a decision. Usually a mistake, but it's still a decision. Getting to have sex with someone isn't all that easy, otherwise nobody would consider it to be so important. At some point, you decided to look elsewhere. At some point, you decided to chase it somewhere else. At some point, you decided to leave this marriage. If you throw the bum out, you're just recognizing that it was already over before you even found out. 

Is cheating a mistake or a deliberate chain of events? Does anyone else remember Bruce Willis saying this?


> Sure, sure, I know... it just happened. Coulda happened to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife.


I've always loved that line. It sums up every BS infidelity excuse quite nicely. If you're going to do it, own it. Go all the way, by which I mean pack your things and go. Don't act like you deserve both worlds.


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## LearningLife (Aug 11, 2010)

I'm not going to go into great detail. I don't normally air dirty laundry in public, and I now respect my DH far too much to tell all. I will say, though, that marriages can recover. With real forgiveness and lots of hard work, tears, prayers, putting selfishness away, and renewed commitment, trust can be rebuilt. When I promised "In good times and in bad," I meant it. If there's an ounce of hope that a relationship can be salvaged, it is worth trying.

Now, 14 years after the most trying time of my life, I feel completely secure in my marriage. I don't snoop into emails, cell phone, or even check his wallet for cash without asking him first. I trust him, and he deserves to know that. He worked unbelievably hard to earn my trust and respect back, and I worked very hard to give him that. It took a long time, but I wouldn't change it, really, even if I could. When I look at most other couples our age, I see a lot of deterioration and lack of fire. I could not be more in love with my husband, and our past only makes that even more special and incredible.


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## Kwings (Dec 21, 2010)

It would be over so fast he wouldn't know what happened. Once a cheater always a cheater and I'll have none of that.


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## NataliaTwoDoes (Mar 24, 2011)

I dont see cheating as a grey area pretty black and white really. However if my husband ever cheated on me, I would know it was because I wasnt giving him what he needed in one way or the other. Yes, SOME guys are dirt bags but my husband does not have a cheating bone in his body and no one would be able to convince me that he'd slept with someone else. I would trust him naked on viagra in the same room with a stripper. If he did cheat on me at some point in our marriage I think Id spend my life wondering what Id done wrong and Id probably still keep him around to grow old with if he was willing to work it out.


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## Jonathan (Oct 26, 2011)

LearningLife reminded me about the marriage vows. Most include a line similar to "for better or for worse", or "in good times and bad times". How many include anything a line regarding cheating? I'm sure that some do, but many traditional marriage vows do not. In many situation, not cheating is an unspoken expectation, while sticking with your spouse during the bad times is part of the spoken vow of the ceremony. Why are so many people willing to go against the spoken vow if/when their spouse does something that goes against the unspoken expectation regarding cheating? Obviously this question doesn't apply in situations where the vow also covers cheating, although even in that case, how does one decide which vow is more important than another?


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

Fat Charlie said:


> .​
> 
> As to cheating being a symptom, I'm not buying it. It's a decision. Usually a mistake, but it's still a decision. Getting to have sex with someone isn't all that easy, otherwise nobody would consider it to be so important. At some point, you decided to look elsewhere. At some point, you decided to chase it somewhere else. At some point, you decided to leave this marriage. If you throw the bum out, you're just recognizing that it was already over before you even found out.
> 
> I.


 The cheated ON spouse does bear responsibility into it. It takes two people. If you walk by your wife when you come home...dont speak to her unless its something about the house....dont make her feel she is special..that you think of her....what do YOU think is going to happen if some guy comes along and acts like everything she does is sent from Heaven? 
If a spouse is cheating..there is SOMETHING they are missing at home that they need. 
why did I cheat? easy. He listened..he couldnt wait to spend time with me....we went for long drives and romantic dinners....I felt special and wanted. My then husband didnt do that. I was maid and kid keeper. Just because I had his children didnt mean I wasnt a woman wanting to be desired. 

Listen up men....if you dont make your woman know she is WANTED and Special....some other guy will. 

Ladies....If your guy is little more than a paycheck...some other woman will be making withdrawals out of your account. Men want to be desired as well. They want to know there is a hot little woman who cant wait to put the kids to bed and shake the rafters. No?


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

LearningLife said:


> I could not be more in love with my husband, and our past only makes that even more special and incredible.


and with this..I can guarantee he will always be faithful.


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## jaredI (Aug 6, 2011)

Kwings said:


> It would be over so fast he wouldn't know what happened. Once a cheater always a cheater and I'll have none of that.


 This is absolutely NOT true.

I also agree with many of the posts here in that many times, if not most, the cheating is a reaction to something that is lacking in the marriage. Poor excuse, but very true.
In my book, cheating is an automatic divorce. I know marriages can be worked out after it happens, and those that succeed usually have a very strong marriage. 
I choose to treat my wife like the queen she is, and trust that she will never be stuck wanting the emotional and physical attention she deserves. I feel if I treat her like a queen, she will pay it back better then if I expected it from her.


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## Kwings (Dec 21, 2010)

jaredI said:


> This is absolutely NOT true.
> 
> I also agree with many of the posts here in that many times, if not most, the cheating is a reaction to something that is lacking in the marriage. Poor excuse, but very true.
> In my book, cheating is an automatic divorce. I know marriages can be worked out after it happens, and those that succeed usually have a very strong marriage.
> I choose to treat my wife like the queen she is, and trust that she will never be stuck wanting the emotional and physical attention she deserves. I feel if I treat her like a queen, she will pay it back better then if I expected it from her.


Its my opinion...you don't get to decide if its true or not unfortunately.


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

It always fascinates me when people's answer on issues like this can be summed up with, "Not if I'm happy". When you make decisions to do something... I mean to be something... do you predicate all of those decisions on what you're getting out of it? What if you are with a spouse for 30 years, they give you all the sex you want, and then they are incapacitated in a horrible car accident and can't engage in sex any longer?

I think when we approach life with a WIFM attitude (what's in it for me) that we cheapen everything we touch, and we end up with a worldview that causes us pain over the long term. People with a selfish approach to life cannot weather truly difficult circumstances.

R


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## Jonathan (Oct 26, 2011)

Kwings said:


> Its my opinion...you don't get to decide if its true or not unfortunately.


Your comment "Once a cheater always a cheater" which jaredI was referencing was presented as fact, not opinion. You may have meant it as opinion, but it was presented as an absolute.


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## Fat Charlie (Sep 9, 2010)

It does take two people working to keep a marriage strong. I fully agree that when something's lacking so badly that one of them strays, then there's plenty of responsibility to go around. But if I've got a problem with my wife then I've got two choices: I can talk to her about it or I can pick up someone else and talk to _her _about it. One way, I've decided that my marriage is important and I'm working on it. The other way is a decision to leave, and throwing the cheater out is just recognizing that decision. You can decide to try again, but I wouldn't.

My wife and I feel the same way about it, but it's never been an issue with us.


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

I think everyone is forgetting hard wired genetics here. The fact is that for a man having multiple partners increases his chances of passing on his genes. Not so with women. 

Of course no one tells himself this, but the impulse leads to greater genetic success.

Some men overcome this, and some do not.

If you had a boar, bull, ram, buck, or rooster who acted monogamously you would butcher him.


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

I think it is really quite simple. If you don't intend to be faithful or think that it is excusable and acceptable to be unfaithful then don't make the vow or commitment.

Eliminate faithfulness from your marriage or relationship if this is what you both agree to. Many people have open marriages/relationships. Of course you may find you lose your intended who does not happen to want to be in an open marriage/relationship. Or your love may find a better lover while in the open relationship. My friend is in a very open marriage. They both have external partners. They don't go into details with each other but they both know who, what and when. So far they have been together for 20 years.

If on the other hand you agree that being unfaithful is a deal breaker and you include faithfulness in your vows then that is a promise not just something you say to get what you want. If you agree not to cheat, and thus of course lie, then be honourable enough to stick to it and not make feeble excuses and blame anyone else when you do cheat and it breaks up your relationship. If you are unhappy in a relationship to the point that you want to look elsewhere then talk to your partner or leave the relationship before you cheat. Once the cheating is done then don't cry if she or he walks because you are untrustworthy.


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

tinknal said:


> I think everyone is forgetting hard wired genetics here. The fact is that for a man having multiple partners increases his chances of passing on his genes. Not so with women.
> 
> Of course no one tells himself this, but the impulse leads to greater genetic success.
> 
> ...


Very true if you are an animal. I always find this a pathetically weak argument and very insulting towards most men who have evolved enough to be in control of their penis.


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## TheMartianChick (May 26, 2009)

I would not tolerate cheating and I have never cheated. It may seem cut and dried but I wouldn't put myself through the agony of all of that. As long as there is no cheating, no physical or mental abuse, etc... It is til death do we part!


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

emdeengee said:


> Very true if you are an animal. I always find this a pathetically weak argument and very insulting towards most men who have evolved enough to be in control of their penis.


Find it however you want. It is true. As I said, some can overcome it and some cannot. 

Of course it would be criminal to suggest that women control their hormones when ...............


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

Of course it is not criminal to suggest that women control their moods and reactions when in menses, pregnant or in perimenopause. It is very difficult but can be done and certainly with exercise, meditation, herbal medications and now-a-days with prescriptions if they become uncontrollable. Same for men who cannot control themselves. Of course in the case of pregnancy we are talking about huge fluctuations in hormone levels due to baby under constructions not a tingling in the groin that can be self regulated.


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

He'd probably be gone. True repentance might make a difference.


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## Jade1096 (Jan 2, 2008)

I always said that I would never put up with that kind of nonense and would immediately throw a lying cheater out of my house.

Then it happened to me. Until you have gone through it, you have no idea what you will do.


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## Jade1096 (Jan 2, 2008)

tinknal said:


> I think everyone is forgetting hard wired genetics here. The fact is that for a man having multiple partners increases his chances of passing on his genes. Not so with women.
> 
> Of course no one tells himself this, but the impulse leads to greater genetic success.
> 
> ...


Really? ! 
_Checks the year on the calendar...yep, 2011_

As long as this line of bull exists, those men will never seek the help they need to fix what is broken inside them. Both men AND women cheat because of poor boundaries and poor coping mechanisms.
Not because they are genetically hardwired to spread their seed around.


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

Jade1096 said:


> Really? !
> _Checks the year on the calendar...yep, 2011_
> 
> As long as this line of bull exists, those men will never seek the help they need to fix what is broken inside them. Both men AND women cheat because of poor boundaries and poor coping mechanisms.
> Not because they are genetically hardwired to spread their seed around.


Deny all you want. Your silly little protestations bother me not in the least, but it does reflect on your mindset.


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## Fat Charlie (Sep 9, 2010)

It would be sad to have so little control over oneself. There are a lot of things I can't do to someone I love, no matter what biology may have equipped me to do. Biological urges don't cover the lying, sneaking and betrayal, either. There wouldn't be any need for them it it were all simply hard wired behavior.


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## Kstornado11 (Mar 17, 2006)

Jade1096 said:


> Really? !
> _Checks the year on the calendar...yep, 2011_
> 
> As long as this line of bull exists, those men will never seek the help they need to fix what is broken inside them. Both men AND women cheat because of poor boundaries and poor coping mechanisms.
> Not because they are genetically hardwired to spread their seed around.


SO true. We don't dismiss murderers, because we are hardwired to act like animals and kill each other. Except in the case of war, of course. Humans still are excused for not being able to overcome the genetic urge to defend our territory, and expand our hunting grounds by killing the opponent.


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## big rockpile (Feb 24, 2003)

emdeengee said:


> Very true if you are an animal. I always find this a pathetically weak argument and very insulting towards most men who have evolved enough to be in control of their penis.


Yes but what if they are only allowed to use it maybe once a year? 

big rockpile


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## 6e (Sep 10, 2005)

My husband had a year long affair on me. I had done nothing wrong and had never cheated on him, but we were having some problems. At the time I was pregnant and was having a really difficult pregnancy. At any rate, I did forgive him, but I don't know the wisdom behind that decision because the things he did and the things he said to me still haunt me to this day. I don't think anyone can tell anyone else what they should do in that situation because different people react different ways. The problem is, you can forgive, but the consequences of their decision is still there and it does create a bit of a wedge. That being said, I have known other people that have come out of it with their marriages being stronger than before. It all depends on the people involved and how committed they are to each other and to setting it back right and if they really, truly do love each other.


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

Fat Charlie said:


> It would be sad to have so little control over oneself. There are a lot of things I can't do to someone I love, no matter what biology may have equipped me to do. Biological urges don't cover the lying, sneaking and betrayal, either. There wouldn't be any need for them it it were all simply hard wired behavior.


Absolutey excellent point.


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

Fat Charlie said:


> It would be sad to have so little control over oneself. There are a lot of things I can't do to someone I love, no matter what biology may have equipped me to do. Biological urges don't cover the lying, sneaking and betrayal, either. There wouldn't be any need for them it it were all simply hard wired behavior.


Why? Society imposes laws and rules designed to curb or control our natural urges in all aspects of our lives.


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## HeelSpur (May 7, 2011)

Around here gettin' some strange would be doin' it with your spouce.
I'm surprized alot of these people know who their daddy's are.
I don't cheat and as long as I live around here I never will.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> I think everyone is forgetting hard wired genetics here. The fact is that for a man having multiple partners increases his chances of passing on his genes. Not so with women.


But evolution plays tricks on you guys, too! Mother Nature make women more attracted to uber-masculine men during the most fertile part of their cycle. As one writer explains:



> Evolutionary speaking, a woman wants to settle down with someone who can provide for her and her children. She wants food, a house, and someone who is not going to run off and have 888 kids with another woman.
> 
> But the most testosterone-filled, attractive men have been proven not to make very reliable long-term partners. Since their superior genes are in demand, macho men are less likely to put a large amount of effort into a relationship.
> 
> ...


http://www.ivydate.com/blog/why-women-cheat-evolution-infidelity/

Evolutionarily speaking, it also makes sense that a woman and her children would stand a better chance of surviving if she had more men with skin in her game. If Guy A gets gored by a mastodon, Guy B (who already has fathered a couple of her kids on the sly) may be more willing to step in and take up the slack. 

In modern times, we sometimes see something similar going on among poor folks. A woman may have a whole stable of male FWBs. None of them earn enough to actually support her and her children, but Guy A sometimes wrenches on her beater car and keeps it running; Guy B mows her grass; Guy C occasionally drops by with beer and smokes. By having multiple partners contributing to her well-being, the woman fares better than she would if she settled for just one.


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## farmerj (Aug 20, 2011)

I gave her an autograph.....

On divorce papers. She got them on her b-day.

Two years later on our anniversary, the decree came in the mail.


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

tinknal said:


> I think everyone is forgetting hard wired genetics here. The fact is that for a man having multiple partners increases his chances of passing on his genes. Not so with women.
> 
> Of course no one tells himself this, but the impulse leads to greater genetic success.
> 
> ...


yes, most of us know this..and the smart ones use it to hook you with it.


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

willow_girl said:


> But evolution plays tricks on you guys, too! Mother Nature make women more attracted to uber-masculine men during the most fertile part of their cycle.


 did you see that documentary where it was explained that women with multiple partners......the male she has been with MORE..his sperm rather kills off the new sperm..interesting, heh?


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## Jonathan (Oct 26, 2011)

emdeengee said:


> Very true if you are an animal. I always find this a pathetically weak argument and very insulting towards most men who have evolved enough to be in control of their penis.


Humans are animals. Whether you agree with the premise of tinknal's argument or not, it makes no sense to argue that humans are something other that what we are.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

tinknal said:


> I think everyone is forgetting hard wired genetics here. The fact is that for a man having multiple partners increases his chances of passing on his genes. Not so with women.
> 
> Of course no one tells himself this, but the impulse leads to greater genetic success.
> 
> ...


you poor things! being all hard wired to go out and spread seed. life must be so difficult for you. as to the boar, bull, ram...sometimes it's just nice to castrate. now..if men are like animals.........well then.....

we gals will keep that one reliable stud penned up for good use. don't worry, he'll be quite happy.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

willow_girl said:


> But evolution plays tricks on you guys, too! Mother Nature make women more attracted to uber-masculine men during the most fertile part of their cycle. As one writer explains:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


hahaha you just described one of my nighbor ladies......

:hysterical:

She has 3 kids, each by a diffrent male. numerous bfs she keeps around whenever she needs work on the trailer...she "goes out" with handyman/constrution types..........:cowboy: She'll string em along untill the work is done then lets em go after she got the work for free. Thats how she got her nice patio, her extra room, and a new roofound: She doesn't even have to have sex with all of them, she just makes them THINK that may be down the line. But, she's not married, so more power to her!


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

Jade1096 said:


> Really? !
> _Checks the year on the calendar...yep, 2011_
> 
> As long as this line of bull exists, those men will never seek the help they need to fix what is broken inside them. Both men AND women cheat because of poor boundaries and poor coping mechanisms.
> Not because they are genetically hardwired to spread their seed around.


 LOL Its not BULL what IS BULL is that women want to deny men have a right to be what we are , while all the time EXPECTING that what women want should be accepted as some how right.


The truth of the matter is in the relationships I have seen FAR FAR more (every one ) women cheat on the relationship than men.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

fantasymaker said:


> LOL Its not BULL what IS BULL is that women want to deny men have a right to be what we are , while all the time EXPECTING that what women want should be accepted as some how right.
> 
> 
> The truth of the matter is in the relationships I have seen FAR FAR more (every one ) women cheat on the relationship than men.


maybe in your circle of life that is true. but..if we are to assume we women can't deny what you men are....like for instance, that hard wired syndrome all prone to wander not of your control and all.........then apparently somebody has to make the rules. and if men have a born need to spread the seed of life, gosh darn it....we darn women have to set boundaries if in fact a relationship is to survive. yes? or..men...don't get married. simple to me. lol


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

I agree! If you just can't control yourself, DON'T get married!!! DON'T commit to a relationship....Then, you won't be cheating. Save some poor woman the pain of having to deal with your infidelity after you've vowed to be her one and only. Same goes for the ladies.


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## Our Little Farm (Apr 26, 2010)

If you are not happy in a relationship and feel the need to look elsewhere, then do the right thing and leave first. That goes for women and men.

I don't believe anyone should stay in a unhealthy, unhappy relationship just because of a piece of paper either.

Life is too short.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

and for the men protesting......my husband proposed to me. I didn't break his arm. I didn't threaten to rob him of his manhood. I didn't do a darn thing. he asked ME. when he did, then I had every right to assume he meant it. and fidelity is my 'rule'..so no likey..no doey. LOL I'm thinking most of us gals think like that. so..bottom line...need to spread the seed.....don't propose. we're not hard to understand..LOL you men are the ones that don't seem to get it. it's so easy!


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

Our Little Farm said:


> If you are not happy in a relationship and feel the need to look elsewhere, then do the right thing and leave first. That goes for women and men.
> 
> I don't believe anyone should stay in a unhealthy, unhappy relationship just because of a piece of paper either.
> 
> Life is too short.


thats what everyone says to do..but thats not how it is. Maybe you dont know what you are missing from your marriage until you are faced with what you arent getting? 
I think again..the responsibility works both ways. If you keep your spouse fed at home..they wont stop off to get a bite . If a partner is neglecting the others needs...should they really CARE if their partner goes elsewhere? 
If a man isnt making his wife feel special and loved..and another guy comes along and sweeps her off her feet...Tough luck buddy! should have been taking care of business.
If a man messes around on his wife...more times than NOT...there is SOMETHING he needs , that he isnt getting. He wouldnt be out scouting if his wife took care of business. Honestly....women...MEN are not difficult to keep happy..really. Some are real attention whores who follow every female who looks their way, but then they graduate high school. 


People who are married with everything to lose, just dont wake up and throw it all in the fan for nothing. 
If I have a freezer full of meat at home..I am not going to break in my neighbors house for a hotdog.


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

tinknal said:


> Find it however you want. It is true. As I said, some can overcome it and some cannot.
> 
> Of course it would be criminal to suggest that women control their hormones when ...............


 Women have a higher drive than many men. I have had BFF who could put a man to shame with her sex drive and shinanigans. and whats worse? women are better at lying and hiding....

I had my ex all figured out. On me ? He had NO CLUE. 

That is how women catch men at doing it. We KNOW. We pay attention to your habits.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

more times than not when a woman is washing a man's underpants.....listen..he cheats...seriously, what would it take to boot his booty right out the door. (ok..doing laundry AGAIN..again..may not be rational today)  one thing I know.....my man cheats..he is OUT. and I'll never wash another man's underpants. LOL that ..people..is the true meaning of life is too short! not to mention all those socks........whoa.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

and don't want to hear about taking care of a man's 'business'. around here the man is spoiled. if he thinks his 'business' isn't taken care of, then I'll happily pass him off to the first woman that wants him. with those dirty underpants. and socks. oh yes..I certainly will! here the Man better mind his manners, or the Woman would toss his belongings out so fast........the washing machine would sigh relief.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

I'd take a bat to his truck, and him.


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

lilmizlayla said:


> Women have a higher drive than many men.


Well, generalizations are always wrong, but I've been married twice and lets just say that I have been blessed........


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

mamita said:


> and don't want to hear about taking care of a man's 'business'. around here the man is spoiled. if he thinks his 'business' isn't taken care of, then I'll happily pass him off to the first woman that wants him. with those dirty underpants. and socks. oh yes..I certainly will! here the Man better mind his manners, or the Woman would toss his belongings out so fast........the washing machine would sigh relief.


Thats why he is not cheating....he has no reason to. you are showing you care.and tht he is important


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## lilmizlayla (Aug 28, 2008)

tinknal said:


> Well, generalizations are always wrong, but I've been married twice and lets just say that I have been blessed........


LOL..Lightening hit..twice!!! Good for you!


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

The difference between a mans defintion of cheating and a womans?
Man, as long as I come back to her its not cheating.
Woman, if he ever isnt with me he is cheating. 




NickieL said:


> I agree! If you just can't control yourself, DON'T get married!!! DON'T commit to a relationship....Then, you won't be cheating. Save some poor woman the pain of having to deal with your infidelity after you've vowed to be her one and only. Same goes for the ladies.


Do you hold women to the same standard? REALLY? I have NEVER seen a woman that didnt cheat on the relationship.NEVER! But of course women assume they have the RIGHT to cheat men and set the rules.If what they do is ok by them then its ok.
Of course men think the same. We dont see it as cheeting if its ok with us.



mamita said:


> LOL you men are the ones that don't seem to get it. it's so easy!


Sure its easy as long as we do whatever a women wants.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

fantasymaker said:


> The difference between a mans defintion of cheating and a womans?
> Man, as long as I come back to her its not cheating.
> Woman, if he ever isnt with me he is cheating.
> 
> ...


You have never know a women that did not cheat? I would be moving away from where every you live. There must be something funny in the water.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> I'd take a bat to his truck, and him.


Cue up the Carrie Underwood! 

[youtube]WaSy8yy-mr8[/youtube]


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## farmerj (Aug 20, 2011)

so violence toward a man is appropriate behavior? Or the Dixie Chicks "Good Bye Earl" Let's see the reaction of say Toby Keith or someone doing a song about doing this to a woman. Yeah, I know of Garh Brooks "Papa Loved Momma"...

I filed for divorce after my ex decided it was appropriate that she could grab and force me to do thing physically as well as have an affair with a man she worked with. I have known more men call it quits on a cheating wife than I have women on a cheating husband.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

fantasymaker said:


> Do you hold women to the same standard? REALLY? I have NEVER seen a woman that didnt cheat on the relationship.NEVER!


 First, this statement is false, over reaching, generalizing etc. You know a lot of women on this site that never cheated. Myself included. Next month Hubby and I will celebrate 28 years of faithful wedded bliss.

And how would you know if all of the women you know cheat, unless they cheat with you? It is not something people like to advertise.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

Common Tator said:


> And how would you know if all of the women you know cheat, unless they cheat with you? It is not something people like to advertise.


Nope women seem to think they have a right to cheat so they do it out in the open.



Common Tator said:


> First, this statement is false, over reaching, generalizing etc. You know a lot of women on this site that never cheated. Myself included. Next month Hubby and I will celebrate 28 years of faithful wedded bliss..


 Honestly I take it as a complement that you think I know a lot of the women on this site.
But I dont,I simply know of them a tiny bit.
Will you tell me honestly if you have cheated? I have known many women to say they havent but when it comes down to it and I get to know them better I find they have.
So how about you? h
Have you NEVER not once in those 28 years gone outside the relationship to satisfiy your needs ,wants or desires?


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> *your spouse cheats..what would you do?*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Do you ever wonder, when you answer "hypothetical' questions like this if you are just "shooting off at the mouth" or if you REALLY mean what you are typing.......

This was posted july 2011.
One month later, I found out. It had been going on for 6 months.
Guess what I did?
Exactly what I posted I would do in July.

He has prayed and received Christ as his Lord and Savior.
Our marriage is stronger and better than it has been in TWENTY years.
I cannot imagine the horror and misery all of us (dh, me, 3 kids) would be going through right now, had I chosen a different path......
Praise Be To God!!


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## julieq (Oct 12, 2008)

First husband did that. Eventually left him. It was tough raising a baby and a toddler on my own, but worth it looking back.

DH of 22+ years? I love him to pieces, but he also knows that I shoot very accurately. If he ever tried anything we wouldn't need a divorce court!


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

fantasymaker said:


> Nope women seem to think they have a right to cheat so they do it out in the open.


??????????

On the corner of 34th & Main, perhaps? 

Bill Clinton is not the only person to have lied about sex!


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

fantasymaker said:


> Will you tell me honestly if you have cheated? I have known many women to say they havent but when it comes down to it and I get to know them better I find they have.
> So how about you? h
> Have you NEVER not once in those 28 years gone outside the relationship to satisfiy your needs ,wants or desires?


In other words, if a woman says she has been faithfull you would never in a million years believe her, so why should she answer for a second time?


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## julieq (Oct 12, 2008)

Terri said:


> ??????????
> 
> On the corner of 34th & Main, perhaps?
> 
> Bill Clinton is not the only person to have lied about sex!


No, that was Miracle on 34th Street, wasn't it? We were just watching that last night... :huh:


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

fantasymaker said:


> So how about you? h
> Have you NEVER not once in those 28 years gone outside the relationship to satisfiy your needs ,wants or desires?


I have been faithful to my DH for the entire marriage.


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## farmerj (Aug 20, 2011)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> He has prayed and received Christ as his Lord and Savior.
> Our marriage is stronger and better than it has been in TWENTY years.
> I cannot imagine the horror and misery all of us (dh, me, 3 kids) would be going through right now, had I chosen a different path......
> Praise Be To God!!



Sorry, but I find that, funny, enlightening, sad and disturbing all at the same time.

My ex started with an "emotional affair" as she called it because I didn't see things the same religiously as she did. She started to be drawn back to a Baptist church by a man from work while her and I had been married in a Catholic church. Her explanation was that she didn't see God or feel welcomed by Him going to Sunday service.

almost 3 years after her affair started, her jilted lover calls me out of the blue with offers to help me get custody of my daughters and he's been kicked to the side gutter for another man.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

yeah FM there must be something funny in the water or food where you are if you dont know any women who haven't cheated. i'm here to tell you i had over 40 years and never once cheated. didn't even think about it. he was all i ever wanted. ~Georgia.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

farmerj said:


> Sorry, but I find that, funny, enlightening, sad and disturbing all at the same time.
> 
> My ex started with an "emotional affair" as she called it because I didn't see things the same religiously as she did. She started to be drawn back to a Baptist church by a man from work while her and I had been married in a Catholic church. Her explanation was that she didn't see God or feel welcomed by Him going to Sunday service.
> 
> almost 3 years after her affair started, her jilted lover calls me out of the blue with offers to help me get custody of my daughters and he's been kicked to the side gutter for another man.


It is your opinion, based upon your life experiences.....I totally understand.
How sad, and awful it is, when The Holy Name of God is Blasphemed in this way.....I am so sorry.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

QUOTE=Common Tator;5534620]I have been faithful to my DH for the entire marriage.[/QUOTE]

Me too. :icecream:Never have, never will cheat. I find it sad someone has never met another that didn't cheat. I suggest this person try to find diffrent kind of people to associate with?! Wow.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

Terri said:


> ??????????
> 
> On the corner of 34th & Main, perhaps?
> 
> Bill Clinton is not the only person to have lied about sex!


Most commonly women cheat in the living room in front of their men , but yes on main street happens too.
I suppose it makes them feel impowered to belittle their men in such ways.


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Do you ever wonder, when you answer "hypothetical' questions like this if you are just "shooting off at the mouth" or if you REALLY mean what you are typing.......
> 
> This was posted july 2011.
> One month later, I found out. It had been going on for 6 months.
> ...


I had not read that you and your husband are back together. I'm very happy for you.


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## farmerj (Aug 20, 2011)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> It is your opinion, based upon your life experiences.....I totally understand.
> How sad, and awful it is, when The Holy Name of God is Blasphemed in this way.....I am so sorry.


I don't think you do understand. You are a minority group if you claim your spouse has never cheated on you. Went back and re-read your posts. (guess they won't let you do strike-through here)

My ex would say she felt threatened by a co-worker who happened to be subordinate. Didn't matter that I was the "lead" who had to train this employee. I was expected to "end any contact". Kind of hard on an occupation.

I have seen a lot of women in the workplace who are married that play around on their spouses and a lot of men that just "wither on the vine" because emotionally they just don't know how to handle it. Alcohol is probably the biggest way they deal with it.

Religion is not the end all to an effective relationship. Communication is. Sharing of duties and responsibilities in the relationship. My partner and I have a tighter relationship together without religion than either of us did in our marriages that stressed religions.

To some around us, it bothers them. To some, it's inspiring. To those it bothers. That's their issue. Don't make it mine.

And like you said, "that's my opinion based off life experience".


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## TheMartianChick (May 26, 2009)

Im also surprised at Fantasymaker's comments. I find it sad that he's never known a woman that didn't cheat. There are many of us around.

The original question was: Your spouse cheats...what would you do?

While I always make comments about the fact that I could never tolerate that and would have to give him the boot... A part of me worries that I'd end up serving 25 to life for homicide! I don't believe in sharing and I doubt that I could forgive... I certainly wouldn't forget.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

Terri said:


> In other words, if a woman says she has been faithfull you would never in a million years believe her, so why should she answer for a second time?





Common Tator said:


> I have been faithful to my DH for the entire marriage.





newfieannie said:


> i'm here to tell you i had over 40 years and never once cheated.. ~Georgia.





NickieL said:


> Common Tator said:
> 
> 
> > I have been faithful to my DH for the entire marriage.
> ...





TheMartianChick said:


> Im also surprised at Fantasymaker's comments. I find it sad that he's never known a woman that didn't cheat. There are many of us around.
> .



REALLY LADIES? 
You never once cheated him?:shrug: 
In all those years you not once read a romance story,went to a chick flick, watched a soap opera or did ANY other thing looking for a bit of romance or emotion that you didnt want to negotiate from him?
NOT ONCE?:nono:


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## Riverdale (Jan 20, 2008)

willow_girl said:


> Cue up the Carrie Underwood!
> 
> [youtube]WaSy8yy-mr8[/youtube]


If I did that, I would go to prison........

If someone did that to me........


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

fantasymaker said:


> REALLY LADIES?
> You never once cheated him?:shrug:
> In all those years you not once read a romance story,went to a chick flick, watched a soap opera or did ANY other thing looking for a bit of romance or emotion that you didnt want o negotiate from him?
> NOT ONCE?:nono:


Your definition of cheating is not one I have ever encountered and one that is no one would be capable of living with( if they even wanted to). You must be cheating all the time.


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## ChristieAcres (Apr 11, 2009)

I have been faithful to my DH, also, silly to also have to even explain what that means... That means, I have not committed adultery (i.e. in the flesh), nor formed relationships that led to inappropriate feelings (with men). DH has been faithful, also, in the same way I have. Oh, I don't even read novels, watch tv, and don't go to movies. I hardly think that compares to committing adultery! My feelings on the matter?

The line is drawn. If it gets crossed, the offending spouse deserves the boot. I don't believe in remaining buddies, either. So, history, baby!


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

painterswife said:


> Your definition of cheating is not one I have ever encountered and one that is no one would be capable of living with( if they even wanted to). You must be cheating all the time.


Some folks consider using pornography to be "cheating".


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

painterswife said:


> Your definition of cheating is not one I have ever encountered and one that is no one would be capable of living with( if they even wanted to). You must be cheating all the time.


LOL you see thats because women define cheating as the things men do.

We have been over this before but here is my definition of cheating ...please notice its gender neutral.
Cheating is when you go outside the realtionship to satisfiy your needs.

And I do beg to differ it IS one that you can live with.....if your not a cheater.
Nope I dont cheat anymore.It took me years to figger out what was wrong with cheating.Why it seemed to be so much aman thing but yet didnt seem important to men. Then even longer to see the damage it does in the realtionship.


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## farmerj (Aug 20, 2011)

fantasymaker said:


> LOL you see thats because women define cheating as the things men do.



ding ding ding ding.......


jeez does that ring so true.......


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

fantasymaker said:


> REALLY LADIES?
> You never once cheated him?:shrug:
> In all those years you not once read a romance story,went to a chick flick, watched a soap opera or did ANY other thing looking for a bit of romance or emotion that you didnt want to negotiate from him?
> NOT ONCE?:nono:


If you had MEANT to ask us if we went to chick flick movies, you would have done so. 

I believe that you are simply sticking pins in the posters, tryin' to get a rise out of us!!!!!!!!!


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

Terri I dont understand what you mean?


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

fantasymaker said:


> LOL you see thats because women define cheating as the things men do.
> 
> We have been over this before but here is my definition of cheating ...please notice its gender neutral.
> Cheating is when you go outside the realtionship to satisfiy your needs.
> ...


Actually you are generalizing. Your definition may fit for you but we each have our own line. I am very happy that I and my spouse have a mutually agreed upon definition and neither of us have crossed it.

I go outside of my relationship every day to meet my needs. Food, intellectual stimuli, clothing, computer parts, heating fuel. You get the picture. I have lots of needs my husband can't meet. 
.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

How am I generalizing?
Why do you go outside the relationship so much?Why cant your hubby meet your needs?
Your Hubby neednt had deliver everything in your life. Im sure he sees it as a reasonle trade for you to grocery shop so that he has the time to mow the yard,etc.
Cheating is when you get those things in a underhanded way instead of dealing with your spouce in a fair way.
Thats why I listed things like chic fliks and romance novels, women use them to get the romance and mental stimulation they should be getting with their hubby but dont want to be bother to negotiate.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

painterswife said:


> Your definition may fit for you but we each have our own line. I am very happy that I and my spouse have a mutually agreed upon definition and neither of us have crossed it.


Really? then how are we to have a conversation when the words we use could mean anything ONE of us chooses?


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## farmerj (Aug 20, 2011)

I can see a lot of women who claim to never cheat coming home dreaming of a husband that would sweep them off their feet like Richard Gere in "Pretty woman" or "An Officer and a Gentleman".

I wouldn't hold it against them. Unless it became a distraction to the relationship. Some find porn acceptable. Others don't.

So one has to determine and agree upon the lines that won't be crossed. And if they are crossed, what will the consequences be for that.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

fantasymaker said:


> How am I generalizing?
> Why do you go outside the relationship so much?Why cant your hubby meet your needs?
> Your Hubby neednt had deliver everything in your life. Im sure he sees it as a reasonle trade for you to grocery shop so that he has the time to mow the yard,etc.
> Cheating is when you get those things in a underhanded way instead of dealing with your spouce in a fair way.
> Thats why I listed things like chic fliks and romance novels, women use them to get the romance and mental stimulation they should be getting with their hubby but dont want to be bother to negotiate.


I don't expect my husband to meet all my needs. I don't believe it is possible. I don't think he has time to even try. I don't need to negotiate because we have both agreed to what we want and expect from each other. I ask if I think he can provide it, sometimes even if I don't. I however do not demand it. I have no need to be underhanded about meeting any of my needs.

I am sorry that the women in your life have come to the conclusion that you can't be negotiated with or even have to, to meet their needs.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

fantasymaker said:


> Cheating is when you get those things in a underhanded way instead of dealing with your spouce in a fair way.


Movies and reading are gotten in an underhanded way????????????


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

fantasymaker said:


> How am I generalizing?
> Why do you go outside the relationship so much?Why cant your hubby meet your needs?


Because she is married to a human being, a partner...not a need dispensing machine.

You cannot possibly meet every one of another human beings needs. What a sterile life that would be, being dependent on someone else to be everything you need, unable to live without someone else meeting your needs for you. How can that be any kind of life at all, always needing someone else to provide what you want , for you.

Meet your OWN needs. Your partner is there to compliment you, not serve you, and you him/her. Meet your needs and you WILL be meeting your partners needs, by providing him/her with a stable, healthy person that is able to think for them self and be a partner to you.

It is not going outside the marriage to watch TV, read a book, etc. Thats just ridiculous. What do you and your spouse do, sit and stare at each other? You are setting yourself up to be a helpless dependant person, that is UNABLE to live without someone else, because they have no idea how to take care of themselves.

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone that depended on me to meet their every need, it would drive me insane. I want someone that is capable and independent and strong and stable, that doesn't sit there and wait for someone else to make them happy. 
Theres no way you can be a partner to someone else, when you are expecting them to provide every single thing for you.


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## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

Because she is married to a human being, a partner...not a need dispensing machine.

You cannot possibly meet every one of another human beings needs. What a sterile life that would be, being dependent on someone else to be everything you need, unable to live without someone else meeting your needs for you. How can that be any kind of life at all, always needing someone else to provide what you want , for you.



> Meet your OWN needs. Your partner is there to compliment you, not serve you, and you him/her. Meet your needs and you WILL be meeting your partners needs, by providing him/her with a stable, healthy person that is able to think for them self and be a partner to you.
> 
> It is not going outside the marriage to watch TV, read a book, etc. Thats just ridiculous. What do you and your spouse do, sit and stare at each other? You are setting yourself up to be a helpless dependant person, that is UNABLE to live without someone else, because they have no idea how to take care of themselves.
> 
> ...


well said!!

this is getting nit-picky. I would bet money that if you asked a general 100 ppl what 'cheating' is, you'd get mainly an answer along the lines of sleeping around. possibly hard porn. but those other things, geesh, if you have to lock yourself in seclusion to be married, forget it! we don't live on deserted islands. 

and altho I often do not get what I need out of this relationship, I will not cheat. period. mainly cuz its jsut wrong and I do not do things like that knowingly. the 10 commandments is about all the rules I need, and its there, so don't do it. simple as that. I coudln't live with myself if I did that, even if he never found out. ew. no way.

and, I am able to fulfill much of my own needs--I do not need him to be my ALL, just my spouse. right now, he's not holding up his end very well at all, so I step up and give MYSELF more, more time, more respect, more things that are fun. spend more time doing things I love to do. he usually wakes up and things smooth out later. this marriage is tons of work. but cheating won't fix it, that much I am certain of.

and, if this marriage ever hits the fan, sorry, getting into bed with another would NOT sound like the way to go, before OR after! i'd avoid men like the plague! some days its a wonder I didn't just be a nun! 

and if he cheats, he's gone. btdt, with a long term boyfriend. he was tossed out before he got home! easier without a marriage license and all that ties into that, but it would be same result. DH knows this, was laid out very early in no uncertain terms.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Shygal said:


> Because she is married to a human being, a partner...not a need dispensing machine.
> 
> You cannot possibly meet every one of another human beings needs. What a sterile life that would be, being dependent on someone else to be everything you need, unable to live without someone else meeting your needs for you. How can that be any kind of life at all, always needing someone else to provide what you want , for you.
> 
> ...



I think that is what he wants or expects. A needy servant reliant on him for everything. No wonder he has never known a women that does not cheat. It is not humanly possible. Maybe if you are a blow up doll that only needs to be inflated every once in a while.


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## TheMartianChick (May 26, 2009)

If watching movies and reading books are a form of adultery, then I must have slipped into a weird parallel universe. :huh:


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

painterswife said:


> I think that is what he wants or expects. A needy servant reliant on him for everything. No wonder he has never known a women that does not cheat. It is not humanly possible. Maybe if you are a blow up doll that only needs to be inflated every once in a while.


I find it actually kinda creepy really, that he wants someone to be SO tottally dependent on him.... Seriously, creepy. Might want to make sure theres not some poor lady locked up in the basement, you know eep:

I'm glad DH and I both have enough self esteem not to feel inferier to a chick flick.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

chewie said:


> I would bet money that if you asked a general 100 ppl what 'cheating' is, you'd get mainly an answer along the lines of sleeping around. possibly hard porn. .


Wasnt that my point? That women define cheeting as the things a GUY does?
We have explored this topic before over in single tree. If I remeber right when asked to define cheating one woman actually started the definition as "Cheating is when a man..."


Think on this a bit
Why is the word "Cheating"?
Is it cheating if a man goes to the bordelo as long as he pays the bill?
Just like the groceries he got that leagally.
So how is he cheating?
Its the realtionship he is cheating. We go into relationships expecting to both give and provide certain things Its a "sole supplier" contract for most.
But what if one of the contracters isnt negotiating in good faith? What if they have a supplier on the side ? Is it fair that they insist the other side still deal only with them?
OF COURSE NOT!
Thats why when cheating is defined as the things guys do and not as the things women do the cheating looks so onesided.

BUT ITS NOT! 
You see the things a woman wants like roamance are avilable in forms she can have without people thinking she has broken the contract, with men,not so much.
Sorry but when a woman goes to a chic flic for romance INSTEAD of negotating a romantic evening with her husband she is cheating. Worst of all she is cheating herself. Why does she cheat? why do guys cheat? simple its a easier way to get the things they want than working it out with their SO.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

You think that men do not want romance and women do not want sex?

Oo-kay!


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Cheating is defined by the individuals involved in the relationship, no one else. Makes me very happy that I don't have to live with your definition.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

You see the things a woman wants like roamance are avilable in forms she can have without people thinking she has broken the contract, with men,not so much.
Sorry but when a woman goes to a chic flic for romance INSTEAD of negotating a romantic evening with her husband she is cheating. Worst of all she is cheating herself. Why does she cheat? why do guys cheat? simple its a easier way to get the things they want than working it out with their SO.[/QUOTE]



I have got to stop reading this thread! This whole anti-woman thing is making by hrad hurt! So glad I do not know you in real life, because you are the personality I dispise. EWWWWW! So,if a woman watches a chic flick (whatever that is) they are cheating? Really? Wow, just wow.


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## gaucli (Nov 20, 2008)

:W....e....i....r...d....o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :run:


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## zookeeper16 (May 10, 2002)

pamda said:


> You see the things a woman wants like roamance are avilable in forms she can have without people thinking she has broken the contract, with men,not so much.
> Sorry but when a woman goes to a chic flic for romance INSTEAD of negotating a romantic evening with her husband she is cheating. Worst of all she is cheating herself. Why does she cheat? why do guys cheat? simple its a easier way to get the things they want than working it out with their SO.


 

I have got to stop reading this thread! This whole anti-woman thing is making by hrad hurt! So glad I do not know you in real life, because you are the personality I dispise. EWWWWW! So,if a woman watches a chic flick (whatever that is) they are cheating? Really? Wow, just wow.[/QUOTE]


I agree, but I'll even take this one step backwards. I don't watch a movie or read a book for "romance." It's a form of entertainment. If you honestly think we read or watch movies for the "romance," you are seriously misinformed!


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

I have yet to see a movie that has brought me the enjoyment a little romance does. Movies and books are for entertainment or instruction (books) .I love to read. I don't often watch movies even though I have been on a roll with movies every day this week. I thinks it's excape-ism, holidays make me want to hide..lol.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

Terri said:


> You think that men do not want romance and women do not want sex?
> 
> Oo-kay!


I think that MORE men want sex more than romance than women.



painterswife said:


> Cheating is defined by the individuals involved in the relationship, no one else. Makes me very happy that I don't have to live with your definition.


Then how do we have a conversation ?
Your hubby has to live by what you defined but did the option of other defintions even ocurr to him?



pamda said:


> I have got to stop reading this thread! This whole anti-woman thing is making by hrad hurt! So glad I do not know you in real life, because you are the personality I dispise. EWWWWW! So,if a woman watches a chic flick (whatever that is) they are cheating? Really? Wow, just wow.


Nope I dont hate women,where would you get a idea like that?



zookeeper16 said:


> I agree, but I'll even take this one step backwards. I don't watch a movie or read a book for "romance." It's a form of entertainment. If you honestly think we read or watch movies for the "romance," you are seriously misinformed!


Perhaps you dont, If so I congradulate you.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

fantasymaker said:


> Then how do we have a conversation ?
> Your hubby has to live by what you defined but did the option of other defintions even ocurr to him?


He lives by what we defined. He was as much a part of the conversation as I was. He also knows that he does not have to live with that definition. He or I are free to ask for changes or to leave if it is not working. Of course the option of other definitions occurred to him. We actually talked about them. We still do. We have a relationship not a dictatorship.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

LOL yes but Im sure he like many men has had the cheating is bad thing drilled into him for years without realizing that the definition is usually skewed.


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## gaucli (Nov 20, 2008)

This must be the result of a man that has been severely hurt by a woman and cannot get passed it!!


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## Smalltowngirl (Mar 28, 2010)

gaucli said:


> This must be the result of a man that has been severely hurt by a woman and cannot get passed it!!


^^^This :goodjob:

Funny how all of those poor deprived men that are married to those wanton hussies are still married while the cheating authority appears to be single.:cowboy:


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

good point, why the heck are we even bothering to argue with someone who obviously knows nothing about keeping a relationship strong?! Now, if I need advice on how to ruin a relationship, I'll ask him. LOL


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

Smalltowngirl said:


> ^^^This :goodjob:
> 
> Funny how all of those poor deprived men that are married to those wanton hussies are still married while the cheating authority appears to be single.:cowboy:


If this is the case then isn't it just a little cruel to be picking on him?


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

tinknal said:


> If this is the case then isn't it just a little cruel to be picking on him?


I think it is doing him a favor. Not everyone cheats and he is wallowing in this instead of finding the ones who don't. He has posted something about cheaters several times over that last few years.


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

painterswife said:


> I think it is doing him a favor. Not everyone cheats and he is wallowing in this instead of finding the ones who don't. He has posted something about cheaters several times over that last few years.


Ahhhh, so you are a humanitarian........


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

Actually, I fear for any woman fantasymaker is close too. This has the makings of a total control freak going on. The screen name might say it all (in his head)

If I went to my hubby for intellectual stimulation, conversation beyond his gun club and basketball, or other "stuff" I would be totally alone. If I choise to read, watch a movie, or whatever, I do it to stay sane. And I have never cheated in this relationship. It is what it is. We choise what we want and make it work as best as we can. 

My reading consists of homesteading stuff and I have watched Men in Black, Little Women and all three Lord of the Rings movies(twice) this week end while cleaning the kitchen and collecting points . Not to easy to get any romance there. Yep I am boring to the max.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

tinknal said:


> If this is the case then isn't it just a little cruel to be picking on him?


 NO! He gets something from it, heaven knows what but ....and seriously, if he dishes it he can take it


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

LOL remeber this was a thread abut what to do if your spouce cheats? I didnt start the thread just commented on a bit of human nature


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

This topic IS sometimes discussed in singletree and I have commented there that yes many of the things we discuss there are being discussed only by those that did it wrong!


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

fantasymaker said:


> LOL remeber this was a thread abut what to do if your spouce cheats? I didnt start the thread just commented on a bit of human nature


 But it isn't human nature by any stretch of the imagination. Except yours....it's just what you see in your imagination.. really cheating by reading books,watching movies..etc..is not even a concideration. It is however very odd to feel that way. And to me very scary....hope you stay single until you get it figured out. Because no woman deserves to be caught in such an ugly web.(No man either).


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

fantasymaker said:


> You see the things a woman wants like roamance are avilable in forms she can have without people thinking she has broken the contract, with men,not so much.
> Sorry but when a woman goes to a chic flic for romance INSTEAD of negotating a romantic evening with her husband she is cheating. Worst of all she is cheating herself. Why does she cheat? why do guys cheat? simple its a easier way to get the things they want than working it out with their SO.


Wow, you REALLY THINK women go to chick flicks for ROMANCE? :stars: Its called "entertainment". 
Good god......you think women go to movies to replace romantic evenings with their partners. You really have no clue.

So what do guys replace when they watch Bruce Willis movies? Their manhood?


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

hahahah what about sports, shygal?! is it cheating when men get thier hocky game on?! hahahaha


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## gaucli (Nov 20, 2008)

Might as well throw in football to that list too...I have seen men get really more excited over a football game then ever over a woman. And here all these years they have been cheating!!! How shameful!:hammer:


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## lathermaker (May 7, 2010)

Been there, done that. Paid the Divorce bill to prove it. He p**sed me off so much that I told him I was divorcing him on Christmas Eve....one too many straws...


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

I have been saying for 14 years that the gun club is my hubbys mistress...thought it was only a joke..lol.. But then the Jazz must be the other woman too. Who knew:frypan:


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## ChristieAcres (Apr 11, 2009)

I didn't divorce DH1 due to his addiction to Sports, LOL, but I will say... DH2, who is my "keeper," has zero interest in Sports, doesn't watch tv or use my computer. He rides his motorcycle, loves to hike, bicycle, go camping, fishing, boating, picking mushrooms, building things, fixing things, gardening, adventuring, and enjoys "chatting" with me. He is self-motivated, cooks himself breakfast every morning, does dishes, helps with housework, and does his own laundry. I prepare the dinners, do my own laundry, and some housework. We are each self-employed, working our own positions, and overlap by assisting each other as needed. Last time I canned up Apple Chutney, he helped me. He also pruned our trees, bless that hard workin' guy. I had to fire him from that job:runforhills: Oh well, the fruit trees will recuperate, some may take a few years, sigh... I love him, anyway:kiss:

We have a lot in common, while DH1 and I didn't. Miss Sports? Like a toothache:gaptooth: 

All that said, we each read what we want. I am into resource books, while he enjoys reading what interests him (cars, engines, machines, and self-sustaining). We don't go to movies, alone or with each other, don't watch tv, but occasionally watch movies at home, together. I don't think either of us are going without enough attention, that is for sure :banana:


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## tinknal (May 21, 2004)

lorichristie said:


> or use my computer.


Does he have his own computer?


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

oh my..some strange things said since I peeked in last. listen..if reading a romance novel makes me a cheater...WOOHOOO..I am guilty as charged and happy about it! if sports makes hubs a cheater......hey...don't you dare take that football away. come on now, a girl likes the nice break once in a while.......so I adore his 'mistress'.  I don't ever want to be anyone's 24/7 object of desire. who needs that pressure??!! not me. LOL if hub can't function without me ...ya..well...too bad, dude. we are two distinct people that can love with great passion. but......then you sometimes have to get out of my face. hahaha!


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## hippygirl (Apr 3, 2010)

Shygal said:


> Wow, you REALLY THINK women go to chick flicks for ROMANCE? :stars: Its called "entertainment".
> Good god......you think women go to movies to replace romantic evenings with their partners. You really have no clue.
> 
> *So what do guys replace when they watch Bruce Willis movies? Their manhood?*


LOL! A couple of years ago, I would've added to that in ways that would make a sailor blush.


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## TxHorseMom (Feb 21, 2011)

So, if my hubby watches a "chic flic" or reads a book he is cheating on me? ROTFL!!!! Boy, do you have a lot to learn about marriage and relationships in general. I've been married over 30 yrs, how about you fantasy? I find it hilarious that someone who OBVIOUSLY doesn't know what a healthy relationship is, is attempting to tell others what is wrong with theirs. Good luck with that.


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## crunchycon (Sep 2, 2006)

He did. Literally -not by watching porn or anything. I left. It would have had a greater chance of success if he'd been interested in truly repairing the damage, but he wasn't really interested. He wound up marrying the gal and divorcing her later (he's on marriage #3). I chose more wisely the second time around and we're still here 21 years later.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

Lets see if I can make this simple. EVERYTHING isnt cheating. 
BUT IT CAN BE.
If you do something because its easier than having a rational give and take relationship with your significant Other it is.
Some women have a sexual appetite that matches their men's...GREAT but others don't. Some men have a romantic inclination that matches their SO GREAT!
But when a couple does not match whats the right way to solve the problem?is it right for the interested party to do without just because the other says so?
One of three things things happens, 
They negotiate a fair trade.
( honey I will be glad to take you to that romantic restaurant if you can do the lawn mowing this week)
One takes command and declares what will happen and the other accepts it.
(Honey I have a headache)
Or someone cheats.
( no I will not wear that disgusting nightie she says as he heads off to the girly bar)



pamda said:


> But it isn't human nature by any stretch of the imagination. Except yours....it's just what you see in your imagination.. really cheating by reading books,watching movies..etc..is not even a concideration. It is however very odd to feel that way. And to me very scary....hope you stay single until you get it figured out. Because no woman deserves to be caught in such an ugly web.(No man either).


 Has it occurred to you or the others that feel that way that perhaps its because you have a successful relationship you feel that way? You dont have to cheat so you dont see how it is that others cheat?
Perhaps you and Your SO match!
I don't think you are actually reading my explanations.


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## lemonthyme7 (Jul 8, 2010)

SageLady said:


> I have to say I don't agree with the once a cheat, always a cheat. I've seen friends' relationships rebuilt again on trust over several years time. There was never another cheating episode.... Some people actually do learn their lesson and with age comes wisdom they didn't have when they were younger.


I think people are quick to say he'd be gone but when it happens you might feel differently. Early in my marriage my husband and I split for awhile when I was pregnat with my son and I know he cheated on me during that time. Even though we were seperated we were still married and I would NEVER have done that to him. He was somewhat immature when we married and it took quite a few years for him to grow up but we stuck it out. Yes, it was hard to rebuild trust. We have been married 24 years now and I love him more today than the day I married him. Lately we have been acting like teenagers and things have been more loving (and hotter!) than I think ever in our marriage. If I had given up on us back in the early years I would not have what we have today and I would not give that up for anything. I know beyond a doubt how much he loves me and we look forward to growing old together.


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## Want2BFree (Nov 27, 2011)

Wow..strange discussion. 

Being a newbie, and thus an outsider looking in here...I can see what fantasymaker is TRYING not so eloquently to say...the lusting after others(porn), or replacing the spouse with other types of enjoyment(hunting etc.) is robbing the spouse of a true loyal relationship, and thus could be considered cheating, just not in the normal sense of the word that we instantly think of as cheating. I guess some guys/gals cheat emotionally rather than physically. Anything is possible. Just thought I'd toss that out there for consideration 

But, to answer the question originally posted...I'd not be in that relationship any longer if my spouse cheated in the physical sense..one of us would be leaving.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

fantasymaker said:


> Lets see if I can make this simple. EVERYTHING isnt cheating.
> BUT IT CAN BE.
> If you do something because its easier than having a rational give and take relationship with your significant Other it is.
> Some women have a sexual appetite that matches their men's...GREAT but others don't. Some men have a romantic inclination that matches their SO GREAT!
> ...



I think your version of what can be cheating is way to broad. Do you understand how others can think that?


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## rainy5 (Oct 28, 2011)

I have been faithful to my dh and kept my covenant with god. I was married before and he cheated on me numerous times. He was still being with me when he cheated.He is remarried and cheats on this wife also. Just like his dad cheated.He ruined a piece of me that you never trust completely and I have a great husband. Not only do cheaters cheat on the husband or wife but if kids are involved they cheat on their kids too. I don't even have interest to look at other men. I used to tell my friend if he cheated he would be out. when the time came I forgave for the first few times them I realized it would never stop. Best decision I ever made to get divorced. If my second husband cheats. I will leave and take my kids and his. He has been married before and we are not sure if his daughter is really his. It doesn't matter. He knows what it is like to be cheated on. My husbands tells me how lucky he is and his kids tell him too. LOL!

Both women and men cheat. It is a choice you make. You have a choice. I don't believe it is a problem both of you cause and if you asked all of our friends and family or one of the marriage counselers I went to with him trying to get him to stop cheating. They will all tell you I was naive as naive can be and a saint. They didn't tell me they thought I would be crushed. I found out from my nephew who didn't want me to be be abused and think it was my fault. The marriage counselor told me not him. you can be married to anyone you are so easy to live with. He will never stop cheating. She was right he hasn't. I am not kidding when I tell you he had a girlfriend at every truck stop his current wife caught him. as far as it takes two to fail or succeed. When the marriage counselor tells you you are the only one in it trying to make it work. you realize real quick you cannot make someone do something they have no desire to fix. 

It is a problem with the person who cheats.They have the issue.They decide not to talk with you. They decide on deception.No matter what one person does it does not give a right to cheat. It is poor of the other person to not take responsiblity for the poor decision they made. It is just a copout. My husbands friend cheated on his wife. My husband forced him to go home and confess and forced him to stop. My husband was furious that he was cheating on our friend. He told him if he didn't tell her he was going to. They repaired their marriage.I still think he will heat again. She is a wonderful person and didn't deserve it. as my dad said to me he never respected you and he never will. Everytime he had sex with someone else he could of brought me home any disease and taken my life from me and and from my children having their mom. I ran to the doctors and was tested years later found out he had hep c. I ran back to a specialist and had two types of test done to make sure I didn't have it. God was protecting me. He couldn't of ever loved me to do the things he has done to me or my kids over the years. 
My 22 year son said to me and my hubby the other night. I am so glad you cared enough about us and yourself to get us out and teach us it is not o.k. to cheat. Every kid wants their parents together and not get remarried but I didn't want him with you he just kept hurting us. He loves my husband and they are very close. I didn't date or get remarried for a long time.I found out recently he has another kid during the time we were married.My kids no and have no desire to know the child or the mother. They said she knew he was married.


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