# Single VS Married?



## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Okay folks, I want the stats. Give me the pros and cons of getting married? Last night while having dinner with my guy this conversation came up and I wanted the pros and cons. I might even talk to my tax guy and get the info from him since I am a business and all. 

So what are the pros and cons of being married vs single?


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Someone to notice if you've fallen and can't get up? Consider it a security system....

Mon


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

Bet you get a lot of views and not many responses....

My roomies notice if they haven't seen me and knock/phone to inquire; I don't have to give up any legal freedoms for that protection.

Next?


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## wannabechef (Nov 20, 2012)

katydidagain said:


> Bet you get a lot of views and not many responses....
> 
> My roomies notice if they haven't seen me and knock/phone to inquire; I don't have to give up any legal freedoms for that protection.
> 
> Next?


Yup, gonna stay far away from this thread...I'll watch though!


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Yikes, not wanting to open up Pandora's box here but just curious..


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

cindilu said:


> Yikes, not wanting to open up Pandora's box here but just curious..


Post this on Melissa's forum and you'll be hitched in no time flat. Seriously, do check with your tax guy and attorney; protecting yourself is a good idea no matter how much Mr. Right makes your heart go pitter patter.


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## GarlicGirl (Mar 12, 2010)

Pros and cons are different for each couple. I would not marry someone without dating them for 2 years. If we succeeded in doing that, and loved each other and wanted to commit to being life partners, then I would get married. I think that if you feel that you have to evaluate and examine reasons for getting married then it is probably not time to get hitched. It is always worth taking time to be sure.


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## wannabechef (Nov 20, 2012)

If married you get tax and insurance breaks...

Just remember this if you are a man "it's cheaper to keeper"


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

pre nup is all i got to say......!!!!!!!!


would you wanna give half of what you worked for away !!!!!.....nobody would or should...be them man or woman.


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## wannabechef (Nov 20, 2012)

elkhound said:


> pre nup is all i got to say......!!!!!!!!
> 
> 
> would you wanna give half of what you worked for away !!!!!.....nobody would or should...be them man or woman.


If you need a prenup you shouldn't get married. Marriage is based on trust and a prenup is going into a marriage right off the bat with distrust. If you wanted me to sign a prenup I'd tell ya to hit the road.


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Two houses, adequate distance between and whatever relationship suits the both of you offers the most pro value and personal security for both.

Single, steady and two houses works great for us. A couple married I know with her having control of the new house and him with the old house 100 yards behind the new house as his area has worked for 45 of their 55 year marriage.

A couple guys invested in leasing a barn and pasture land a few miles from their homes and make sure that if their wives are at the barn riding their horses they have the houses to themselves and vice versa.

Another couple married for 12 years and 3 kids have their home and lakeside cottage.

Relationships and two locations = priceless happiness for all involved.


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

wannabechef said:


> If you need a prenup you shouldn't get married. Marriage is based on trust and a prenup is going into a marriage right off the bat with distrust. If you wanted me to sign a prenup I'd tell ya to hit the road.



people lie for many reasons money being one of them.


if you are over 45 and worked hard all your life ..who would want to risk a lifetime of investing...its one thing to share the rest of your life with a person and be a couple and share life gathering...its another to lose out to a money scammer....and picked clean like a chicken

local guy here lost 78% to a lady in a 3 year relationship....she said one more like you and i can retire early as she walked out of courtroom.in todays world it only pays to be wise in all things.


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## wannabechef (Nov 20, 2012)

elkhound said:


> people lie for many reasons money being one of them.
> 
> 
> if you are over 45 and worked hard all your life ..who would want to risk a lifetime of investing...its one thing to share the rest of your life with a person and be a couple and share life gathering...its another to lose out to a money scammer....and picked clean like a chicken
> ...


I don't have squat...take it! If you marry me it ain't for my good looks, money or my property...you will inherit debt!


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Nothing instills trust so well as boundaries and rules. I am one that thinks a prenup is beneficial to, and encourages a healthy marriage.


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

wannabechef said:


> I don't have squat...take it! If you marry me it ain't for my good looks, money or my property...you will inherit debt!


your mind will change when you have home paid for....cash,investments,retirement funds and cd's. and no debt.


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

p.s. i would have no problem signing a prenup a female asked for....i dont want anything from her but love and a life.if it didnt work out i dont need what she worked for before i met her.its hers after all...why should she have to give me half because we said,...i do.???


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

but some of us do have a little money,property etc. and we have seen what happens to friends etc. and we don't intend it to happen to us. ~Georgia.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

I think a prenup should be short and sweet, something like, "if you decide to leave, you are allowed to pack your bags and go. Please shut the door behind you".


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

wannabechef said:


> I don't have squat...take it! If you marry me it ain't for my good looks, money or my property...you will inherit debt!


Probably not the best advertisement...Sometimes it's better to take a bit longer to tell the story.... http://jokes4all.net/joke_2437.html


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## wannabechef (Nov 20, 2012)

elkhound said:


> your mind will change when you have home paid for....cash,investments,retirement funds and cd's. and no debt.


That's gonna be a while...and we've been married almost 20 years.

House...ain't mine, I rent it from my parents. Investments: we have guns as investments, we each have our own guns. Retirement, lost that chance when I lost my job (her too) a few years ago, lost my house too...

Yeah, we have nothing to gain from being apart! We are worth much more to each other together!


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

newfieannie said:


> but some of us do have a little money,property etc. and we have seen what happens to friends etc. and we don't intend it to happen to us. ~Georgia.



yep...plus as we get older we have less time to recover .


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## wannabechef (Nov 20, 2012)

I understand where y'all are coming from, it's just not for me. Different folks, different strokes.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

wannabechef said:


> I understand where y'all are coming from, it's just not for me. Different folks, different strokes.


What's not for you? Marriage? Or being single?


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## wannabechef (Nov 20, 2012)

katydidagain said:


> What's not for you? Marriage? Or being single?


A prenup...never even crossed my mind before I said I do. I met my wife when she was pregnant almost 20 years ago.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

I think he means prenup Katy. doesn't apply to him anyway. he's been happily married (I think) for 20 years. if she was gonna leave she'd probably be gone by now. ~Georgia


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## wannabechef (Nov 20, 2012)

newfieannie said:


> I think he means prenup Katy. doesn't apply to him anyway. he's been happily married (I think) for 20 years. if she was gonna leave she'd probably be gone by now. ~Georgia


We've hit some bumps...big ones! But all in all we are happy.


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

it dont apply to me either as i am just a subsistence homesteader type with nothing.but i hope to earn a few million before i am dead....lol..till then...its playin in the dirt for me....my life feels like a multimillionaire at times.


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## wannabechef (Nov 20, 2012)

elkhound said:


> it dont apply to me either as i am just a subsistence homesteader type with nothing.but i hope to earn a few million before i am dead....lol..till then...its playin in the dirt for me....my life feels like a multimillionaire at times.


Same here...I'm still working on my first million! Meanwhile I'll have my garden, enjoy cooking, fishing, boating, 4 wheeling and yard work...all of which we enjoy doing together.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

Well, wannabe, you're coming from a different perspective then others that have chimed in, with being married for 20 years. Those of us that have put in some years and have acquired things don't want to lose it just for the sake of love. While the things are just stuff, it would hurt to lose 1/2 or more because someone could take advantage of a situation that didn't work out.

I have said it more than once, but I will say it again, I like Shrek's arrangement. Both partners have their own space and at the same time can be a couple and feel secure in keeping what they have.

As for the original post, it'd have to be one heck of a man to have me consider a traditional marriage again. I like being able to do what I want, when I want.


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## Pearl B (Sep 27, 2008)

> your mind will change when you have home paid for....cash,investments,retirement funds and cd's. and no debt.





> yep...plus as we get older we have less time to recover .


Seems to me if someone really cared about the other person they wouldnt ask them to risk losing that. If they balk at singing pre-nup, I would question their motivation.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

I also like Shrek's arrangement although i'm old school and would not have thought of doing something like this until I joined this site. it was marriage or nothing. I do have a friend who lives a block away in his own home. he's old school also and only talks of marriage. I don't think he will come around to my way of thinking. ~Georgia


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## no1cowboy (May 2, 2004)

> Pros and cons are different for each couple. I would not marry someone without dating them for 2 years. If we succeeded in doing that, and loved each other and wanted to commit to being life partners, then I would get married.


This does not always work out, I was with my (now ex wife) for a year before we got married and she still left 5 years later. I would not get married again! but I am open to living with some one.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

newfieannie said:


> I think he means prenup Katy. doesn't apply to him anyway. he's been happily married (I think) for 20 years. if she was gonna leave she'd probably be gone by now. ~Georgia


All this time I thought WBC was a girl on the chase here for a guy here on ST. Whoops!


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## jwal10 (Jun 5, 2010)

My Brother is 55, has asked 3 women to sign. He is still single. He never shared his toys....James


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

cindilu said:


> Okay folks, I want the stats. Give me the pros and cons of getting married? Last night while having dinner with my guy this conversation came up and I wanted the pros and cons. I might even talk to my tax guy and get the info from him since I am a business and all.
> 
> So what are the pros and cons of being married vs single?


There are oodles more, but I just put 4 for each.

Pros of Marriage:
1. Finding that one that "completes you, get's you, and has promised to always be there with you".
2. The ying and the yang are now one, working together under one roof.
3. Someone to share the load, and grow old with.
4. Companionship.

Cons of Marriage:
1. When one of the "I do's till death do us part" decides "they don't" anymore.
2. It's expensive to get out of.
3. They can take 1/2 the stuff, while dumping 1/2 the debt.
4. You may lose your home.

Pros of Single:
1. Freedom, period.
2. Independence
3. No one but yourself will hold you back
4. No morning breath.

Cons of Single:
1. Lonliness
2. If I fall and can't get up
3. No one to share your day with.
4. You have to do it all, by yourself.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Well, I did ask for ya'lls thoughts on this. 
Here are my stats, I own my own home free and clear, I own my own business. So I am a free agent so to speak. I owe on nothing and have zero debt. As a business owner would my being married hurt me in the tax dept? Something I am planning on asking my tax guy. 
Chores, I have my routine down so it is pretty much hassle free, but it would be nice to have someone to share them with. When I am not working my 12 hour day and going to school at night it would be nice to have someone to talk with. So what are the benefits there? Married, or non married?


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

Is he coming into the relationship debt free, as you are? If not, I would think very long and hard about marriage. FWB would seem a better option.


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## mickm (Jul 23, 2010)

I cant think of any pros of marriage, unless they are legal.

Anything else can be accompoishedby just living together.

Loving someone is a wonderful thing, i see no reason to get the goverment involved.


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## bruce2288 (Jul 10, 2009)

cindilu, if you are working 12hrs/day and going to school. Do you have time to be married?


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

There are lots of good reasons to be married. There are lots of good reasons to not be married. As previously noted, it depends entirely on the individual couple. Are there children from prior marriages? Are any of them minors?

Marriage confers certain legal advantages. You have the right to make final health care decisions for your spouse if that becomes an issue. If not married, you may not even be permitted to ride in the ambulance with the one you love the most. If you do it right in Oregon, you can avoid probate entirely in the event of the death of a spouse -- and that can save a ton of headaches, to say nothing of money, if/when the day ever comes to a grieving spouse. As a spouse, you are the presumed beneficiary of any life insurance in the absence of a named beneficiary.

You have the right to inherit and stand in first position if your spouse dies intestate (without a will). If you jointly own property, this can be an enormous consideration. If you have children whom you prefer to inherit your property, make sure you have a will that specifically says so, and make sure it includes a provision that your spouse is aware of this and has agreed to this inheritance as you want it to be. Even these steps are not a total assurance that inheritance will go as you wish it to -- but a good attorney can make these wishes airtight. My personal opinion is that every will should specifically state every potential beneficiary by name; include a provision of some kind, even if nominal; and have a clause that states that any party who contests the will will be deemed to have predeceased the author of the will, and therefore take nothing.

You will be jointly liable for any and all debts incurred by either and both of you after you are married. Likewise, you will be entitled to half of any and all assets accrued for the duration of the marriage. Probably nothing accrued by him prior to marriage and nothing he inherits during the marriage, unless you co-mingle assets. (Oh, the fights I witnessed over co-mingling... more on this later.) This can be good or bad, depending on your respective financial positions. If you have concerns in this area, keep property totally separate and don't get married.

As a self-employed person, if he is regularly employed and you are married, it can help you both tax-wise by having his payroll withholdings maximized. It can cover your business's annual tax liability and save you both a lot in personal taxes. Tax treatment is more favorable to married couples in most cases. You have more avenues to be creative with your taxes. But beware; if he brings tax liability to the marriage, such as unpaid taxes, it is your bank account that can be garnished, too. Same deal if you later separate but don't have a legal date of separation and he lets his taxes go unpaid.

If one of you gets really sick and requires assistance with health care expenses, you will not be able to access such assistance until all assets are exhausted -- including yours, owned prior to marriage.

In the event of a divorce, some states provide for access to the other partner of assets you owned prior to marriage. He may be able to get at assets of yours that had previously belonged to you alone. Check re Oregon state law... my own experience is chiefly in California. Again, this is not usually a problem so long as you don't co-mingle assets. This includes inheritances you may receive after you are married, if that is a consideration. Co-mingle, and you are toast. That's not saying you shouldn't ever co-mingle. Just that you shouldn't do it without knowing the ramifications.

In some states, spousal support in the event of a divorce is mandatory absent a specific waiver of same. If you are the primary bread winner, you could find yourself paying spousal support for a number of years if the marriage ends in divorce.

Even in the best of marriages, everyone should maintain control over their own money. Keep your accounts separate except for a joint account for "pooled" expenses, which it's good to agree on prior to marriage.

Definitely consult your accountant and your attorney if you have any reservations or concerns whatsoever. You may not need a prenuptial agreement -- those are sometimes not worth the paper they are written on, depending on the state -- but it is always a good idea to go into a marriage with eyes wide open about what your risks and benefits may be. And as Georgia pointed out, the older you are, the less time you have to make up for a bad mistake.

You can never go wrong with a really long "getting to know you" period. Remember the old saw... marry in haste... repent at leisure.

Hope these observations are helpful to you and that it all goes the way you want!!


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

cindilu said:


> Well, I did ask for ya'lls thoughts on this.
> Here are my stats, *I own my own home free and clear,
> I own my own business.
> So I am a free agent so to speak.
> ...


Not Married / Dating Pro's
1. You can send him away when you are not in the mood / or he shows you a side you are not too keen on.
2. He has no access or rights to your business / home etc. (assuming he 'changes')
3. No morning breath, adjusting to his quirkyness, rearranging you schedule or routine to accomadate his. 
You don't have to put up with / deal with his family (children, parents, crazy uncle larry, etc)
4. If you / he changes their minds about the relationship, everyone walks away with exactly what they brought into the relationship. 
No division of property.
You take your toys he takes his and it's done.

Not Married / Dating CONS:
1. If he is looking for commitment and you are not, he may seek it else where.
2. No long term commitment in writing.
3. You are on the hook for all the chores / repairs alone.
4. It could get lonely.


MARRIED Pro's:
1. You have a long term commitment in writing.
2. Someone is there 24-7
3. You instantly gain a new 'family'.
4. You will not get lonely (well that's the idea....)

MARRIED Cons:
1. Depending on your state laws, you could lose half of everything you have worked all your life for.
2. He could ruin your credit by bringing bad credit / running up debt while in the marriage.
3. He has not showed 'the real' him yet....and it may not be pretty, and then it's too late once you are married.
4. He could get on your nerves quick if he cannot keep up with your pace, or likes to sit on his butt and play video games, or he likes to nap when there is work to be done, or he half jobs when he finally does work, etc. 
Then you would be begging for "space" because he suffocates you.


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Pre-nups are excellent for both parties to protect what they have succeed at on their own before a marriage and serve a even larger value for second marriages with children from previous marriges.

Even if one potential spouse refuses to enter a prenup, the same results can be achieved simply by postponing the nuptials for a year and consulting an attorney for bulletproof protection on the QT.

From observation I have noticed that usually those most against prenups are those who approach marriage without a pot or a window hoping to find financial situation improvement for themselves in addition to the relationship potentials.

When a potential spouse refuses a prenup, the same protections can be put in place by the one seeking the prenup postponing the engagement and proposal 9 months to a year in most jurisdictions and tying up their assets in irrevocable trusts or right of survivor partnerships with trusted blood relatives or friends.


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## MichaelZ (May 21, 2013)

If all marriage is is a legal agreement, then I guess I don't see the point - just setting yourself up for all kinds of legal headaches. But if it is a commitment before God with no outs, then it can be a very special thing. My mom and dad were married about 70 years and boy it was not smooth. But in the end it was a beautiful thing to see. My dad died a little over a year ago. My mom, with severe dementia, was not told he died. But he no longer visited her in the nursing home daily. My mom died a month later, almost to the day. She knew.


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## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

No one here is saying that a commitment to marriage is only a legal matter, or a tax status one. However, cindiluâs question was about how marriage might affect her with respect to legal and tax matters. If you think it doesnât, youâre naÃ¯ve. From a strictly legal standpoint, marriage is regarded as a binding contract between partners. No more and no less. You wouldnât sign a partnership contract without reading it carefully, would you?

Personally, the best advice I have for anyone contemplating marriage is to make sure the person with whom they intend or hope to enter into a marital relationship is an honorable, kind, good, loving person. Then be exactly the same sort of person back. That way, even if the marriage fails, you wonât eviscerate each other when separating your affairs.

When my ex-husband and I split, he paid spousal support to me for something over 5 years -- when I had waived spousal support. I had to actively instigate a stop to him paying it. That was my BAD marriage. He is nonetheless a good man.

Shrek, I think prenups are fine, but donât hang your hat on them. Iâve seen them pierced several times. Much better to do as you say and make assets ironclad in some other fashion. A trust can be a great vehicle for doing that, but you must be scrupulous to remember to update it at every turn. Watched way more people fight over trusts in court than over wills. And lawyers love them for that reason. If your taxable estate isnât going to exceed the maximum exclusion amount of 5.25 million dollars (in 2013), then there is little reason to establish a trust. Rod for your own back. Just make sure property titles are held appropriately so that assets transfer automatically to the person(s) whom you intend to benefit, and youâll have no problems with the probate process. Every state is different, so again, best to check with an attorney to learn the specifics of yours.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

My guy and I have past history. He was the one that moved me to this town and area when I was 19. We were engaged at that time and planning on getting married. Life got in the way and once we moved in together we started playing house etc and talk of a wedding got put on the back burner. We did enjoy time together and got along pretty good considering... 

Considering... I came from a private boarding school world where everyone went to school to either become a Dr., lawyer or a teacher. Everyone had a plane, limo or their own cars by the time they were 16. It was a world that had attitude and money. He was a rednecked small town boy that came from a logging world. Something I had never been around. He excelled in logging shows, something I didn't even know existed. He moved me from living in Eugene Or which was a large city to a small rednecked town in Sutherlin OR. I cried the first year I lived here. I was the only one that had a Honda Scooter and I couldn't figure out why they didn't have a day and night teller in their tiny little mall. Still we got along and he put up with my extreme OCD cleaning. He signed his checks over to me and I handled the money because that is something I am really good at. We were best friends and did every thing together. His issue was that he drank a lot back in the day and was a brat when he drank. My issue was I was not small town and rednecked and it was a clash of the two worlds. 

Fast forward 26 years later and we connected again. We have been talking for one year just over the pc via facebook behind the scenes. I wanted to know more about what my life was like back then and if I had changed. I was searching for pieces in a puzzle I am trying to figure out, and working on getting my life back together. And he was part of the missing puzzles. So we set up a meeting to talk, we sat down for almost 3 hours and just talked. Talked about the past, so much of my past I cannot remember and we both think it is because I did chemo for 6 months. We talked about how the past had taken us to where we were today. We talked about my dreams of moving and he asked for pen and paper. He designed my new house for me down to sq feet and put into account all of my business needs. Something we used to do while we were dating 26 years ago. We met just for dinner and with the idea of it only to answer questions. It was in no way to be any thing but dinner. Well, for me it started to take on a whole other meaning. I wanted more, I wanted to go back home like we used to and snuggle on the couch and talk like we used to. He was my missing puzzle piece. It took one more date of me having to HUNT that man down to get him to another dinner date. Something I do not ever do, I do not make the first move ever, but this time I did. We got together for dinner and have been getting together almost every single day since then. It has felt like a coming home to me, something I would have a hard time explaining. Yes, I love his family, and I always did. I was closer to his mama and granny then I was my own. It has been so good getting together and having dinner with his mom, like old time with lots and lots of laughter. He has only one child that is grown and living in WA. His son has his fathers sense of humor and I can tell is a good kid. He no longer drinks because he has some health issues and I think that is also a good thing. He wants to get married and I do as well. But I am wanting to take my time getting there. He has filed bankruptcy because he and his ex wife and mostly x wife took on a TON of debt. So he would come into the relationship without debt. He would again sign his checks over to me and he makes pretty darned good money. We are going to buy property where I originally wanted to and build the house that he designed. I will continue to run my business out of it and we designed the home so I can do both home and daycare. This will not be taking place soon, we are both taking time to adjust to being in a relationship again. So I guess that is the small of the story and where and what we are today. Also the reason for the question pros and cons.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Well, love, all I can say is, the past is the past for a reason. But I'll wish you the best of luck anyway! 

Mon


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

I married the second time after I had my place paid off. Everything in me told me to get a prenup. I didn't because I loved and trusted him. Well five years later after I figured out he didn't have my best interest at heart or ours as a couple I chose to end it. I had to fight hard just to keep what I had paid off before we were married all the while he got everything we had bought while we were married. I also had to keep everything that needed paying for. He came with the clothes he had a truck and a fourwheeler. 

The thing I have against marriage is I don't want any lawyer or judge to tell me what I get to keep and don't keep if we part ways.

The advice my lawyer gave me was buy the dress and have the ceremony DON'T BUY THE LICENSES! And where I messed up is don't mix you finanaces. If we had kept our money seperate we would have records of who bought what.


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## Fair Light (Oct 13, 2010)

In my heart I feel that if I love and trust a man.....the pre-nup is so un-necessary..I mean if I trust...then I trust right?....but my wise brain says...
The pre-nup just keeps things upfront and above board.....I guess it's because I used to believe in the "til death do us part"...but I'm not so sure about that anymore...I loved "til death do us part"...but he loved until he decided to change his mind and someone else was more appealing...I don't have much in this life...I don't think some guy would get much in terms of what I brought into the marriage...He would probably have more than I have to begin with...and if he didn't...then what we built together would be equally "ours" and should be split 50/50 ....should it not work out...I still believe in "forever" love as for as my heart goes...but I'm not so sure about someone else's heart....I guess it's about learning to trust all ove again...and that would take time....


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## Guest (Jun 19, 2013)

When you ain't got nothing
You ain't got nothing to lose.


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## mickm (Jul 23, 2010)

Well i think we alk got something to loose, we just might not know it. Dignity, self respect, sleep, blood etc...

If your married you can make husband or wife jokes. Only advantage i can think of?

Share embroidrary(sp?), maybe?


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

I think Zong has some wise words!

Couples can both contribute to a marriage, and it doesn't have to be in monetary ways. But at this stage of life I'd expect someone to have some thing happening in their life before they met me. I'm not here to make their past right or be responsible for their happiness, or pay their bills!.

I've put thought into pre-nups. I was against them before. I felt that using one showed you lacked faith in your partner. I've already paid for my dream twice and more. And I don't want to do that again! 

I can't full wrap my empty gourd around a pre-nup yet? There are so many things to enter into it, if a person went that route. I do believe some good counsel would be a pre-requisite.

Life as a single is good though! A good relationship should only add to the overall quality of enjoyment this life offers.


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## wannabechef (Nov 20, 2012)

zong said:


> When you ain't got nothing
> You ain't got nothing to lose.


This is me, and I always say: don't mess with someone who has nothing to lose.


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## GarlicGirl (Mar 12, 2010)

Trust is a great thing. But, you could be wrong. I totally believe if someone is offended by a pre-nup they do not have your best interests at heart. An agreement reached when you still in love is usually better than the ones lawyers draw up, and cheaper.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

I read something the other day. It said, "Don't follow your heart, lead your heart". Wise words, I thought!


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

All good advice, and I am liking the idea of having a ceremony, just not being in the real words of ...gov.


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## SimplerTimez (Jan 20, 2008)

cindilu said:


> Okay folks, I want the stats. Give me the pros and cons of getting married? Last night while having dinner with my guy this conversation came up and I wanted the pros and cons. I might even talk to my tax guy and get the info from him since I am a business and all.
> 
> So what are the pros and cons of being married vs single?


Well, I'm not sure what you're asking exactly here - single legally but emotionally in a relationship (like a live-in thing) vs legalizing that relationship? Otherwise, there is a slew of comparisons to be made on single vs married that will vary from person to person based on their life experiences and current outlook on life.

Having been the one with the assets in the past, a pre-nup never crossed my mind. However, now having near nothing but a pot to pee in and a rented window through which to toss it, I can see where it might give a potential partner pause for thought about me. I accept that. 
It's a hard fact of being a widow from a marriage where we did not plan for his early death. *I* had planned for mine in a slapdash way and he'd have been better off had I died.
So I do understand where someone might wish to protect their earnings and property. Many states have provisions that what is yours prior to marriage remains yours if there is a divorce. And there are other ways to protect your assets. If I truly thought someone wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives, but had fiscal reservations, I would have to decide at that point if asked to sign a pre-nup.

Maybe because for me to marry again, within my religious framework, means I am committed with no option to divorce, so he's stuck with me unless he wants me gone, therefore I have a different perspective  

So Cindilu, define further what you actually meant, and I'll see how verbose I can be in answering THAT question, haha! (marriage without gov sounds good, it's the vow that counts!)

Edited to add: for some reason, ALL of the responses were not showing when I replied to this. So, just ignore me...haha!

~ST


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## mickm (Jul 23, 2010)

50% of first marriages fail.around 70% of second time marriages fail and it goes up 10% from there.

Einstien had two failed marriages. He couldnt figure it out. Do ya think you are smarter then aEinstien?


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

I have decided that I will refuse to get married until homosexuals have the same right to marry as heterosexuals in all states. Not that that really impacts anyone but myself and my partner.

And actually, I think that I would rather be spiritually married rather than legally anyway. Adding legal contracts to something that is SUPPOSED to be a matter of spirit and heart never made sense to me other than certain medical and legal things. 

Insurance was at one point a concern of mine of being with someone and not legally married but since the major insurance companies are now legally compelled to recognize domestic partners, it doesn't matter if that domestic partner is of the opposite sex or same sex so that concern is now out the window.

The only other legal concern would be co-ownership and someone's death...which now can also be taken care of by properly made and filed wills. So really...there is no requirement much anymore to sign a legal document for it.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

My ex said next time he was just gonna find a woman he didn't like and buy her a house ... ound:


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

[YOUTUBE]Lsmgy0dqzyw[/YOUTUBE]
:dance:


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Loved reading all of the responses and I have been thinking about them on and off. At 4am this morning we woke up and discussed what I had read and added our own thoughts into it. We both came up with a game plan that worked for us. And now have new goals to work towards and that is always a good thing.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

A benefit of bei.g single is nobody complains that you have too many chickens....


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

You can have too many chickens?


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Terri in WV said:


> You can have too many chickens?


Going to second what Terri said, no way in this world can you have to many chickens. :nana:


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

So l have been told.....but l don't buy it!!!-


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Well I have been thinking about this entire subject long and hard and come to the conclusion that I would like to take my time dating and not getting to serious or being to serious. About two years is a good amount of time to get to know someone and find out all the hidden issues. So single it is...


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## GarlicGirl (Mar 12, 2010)

Smart girl, Cindilu.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Not really, but life has a hard way of teaching hard lessons but I am willing to learn. It just takes a long time for me sometimes.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

Advise? DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!

nickiel<--------recently split


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## elkhound (May 30, 2006)

NickieL said:


> Advise? DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!
> 
> nickiel<--------recently split



i hope you start posting pictures with us....we like pictures down here and you are a true shutter bug.


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## bstuart29 (Jul 11, 2006)

cindilu said:


> Well I have been thinking about this entire subject long and hard and come to the conclusion that I would like to take my time dating and not getting to serious or being to serious. About two years is a good amount of time to get to know someone and find out all the hidden issues. So single it is...


Id say don't set a date on when to get serious or married the two of ya will know when it's time to take that step it could be in three months or three years. I would also say take cynical peoples advice with a grain of salt, do and act what is the best for you all.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Take my cynical advice with a table spoon of dry ice LOL.


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## Groene Pionier (Apr 23, 2009)

shanzone2001 said:


> A benefit of bei.g single is nobody complains that you have too many chickens....


Canning jars.....not chickens


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## bstuart29 (Jul 11, 2006)

Terri in WV said:


> You can have too many chickens?


If ya have to buy feed yes ya can have to manyLOL


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

I say canning jars can be a lovely thing, and also chickens, you can never have enough chickens. And when you have to explain to someone why the camping survival gear is in the front of your garage for easy access to get to and load up then it might be your sign. Also when you have to explain why you have food shelves and medical shelves in your garage that might also be your sign. And when you have explain why you want land close to a water source and close to a hunting grounds that might also be your sign. Yep, I have decided there is a reason why I have stayed single all these years.


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

bstuart29 said:


> If ya have to buy feed yes ya can have to manyLOL


Their entertainment value more than makes up for the cost of the feed.


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## NickieL (Jun 15, 2007)

I think I need some chickens to talk too...after all, the guy across the tracks from my new place has a rooster and a couple ponies in HIS yard, why can't I have some chickies? lol


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## sherry in Maine (Nov 22, 2007)

well, if both are debt free, and you both want marriage, then do it.

What about those '12 hour days'? Is he mature enough to accept that you are invested in that? When you have down time, will you want to share yourself with him? Or will you be too tired to go out, stay home & snuggle, visit with your friends, or have friends over (or whatever constitutes fun to you)

And Whynot, I dont understand why it is so important for a government that you dont care for or trust (or maybe I misunderstand you) to sanctify a union between two people, whether they're gay or straight.
Government doesn't need to be involved in something between 2 people. Just sayin', not to start a fight.
Yes, I have gay friends, one of them still actually thinks that most straights give a 'durn' about if gays are married. I'd say, a good deal of us 'straights' dont care either way, except that it now involves the government. Yes, I know about benefits, etc.


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

cindilu said:


> Okay folks, I want the stats. Give me the pros and cons of getting married? Last night while having dinner with my guy this conversation came up and I wanted the pros and cons. I might even talk to my tax guy and get the info from him since I am a business and all.
> 
> So what are the pros and cons of being married vs single?


 
..........Definition of Alimony.....(generic) , not meant to apply to Anyone in particular......The screwing you GET , for the screwing you....DID ! , fordy:shrug:


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

sherry in Maine said:


> well, if both are debt free, and you both want marriage, then do it.
> 
> What about those '12 hour days'? Is he mature enough to accept that you are invested in that? When you have down time, will you want to share yourself with him? Or will you be too tired to go out, stay home & snuggle, visit with your friends, or have friends over (or whatever constitutes fun to you)
> 
> ...


My 12 hour days are proving to be a problem, or so it seems. Especially my 12 hour days plus school added.He has suggested that I not take so many classes and not go to so many meetings. When I have down time I do like to catch up on stuff around here like yard work and try to keep my place looking nice. Last week we had a little issue when I told him I had about 3 hours of yard work to do one evening. I had my family coming and I wanted everything to look good. Well after hour 2 he looked at his watch and said something I cannot repeat here. I just ignored him and went about getting it done. That was a little red flag for me I am pretty sure. 
I am debt free because I manage my money, he is now pretty much debt free because he filed bankruptcy and for the most part he is now debt free. But that is also a red flag to me. Ya know what I am saying?


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

I don't know if it is a benefit or not but the only advantage of the government being involved in marriage is tax deductions. Isn't worth it to me.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

When I'm expected to explain anything about my lifestyle, be it canning jars, chickens or horses, in a way that feels like I have to defend my choices, I'm done. He either doesn't get it or doesn't respect it. Doesn't matter. I won't live there again.


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## swamp man (Dec 25, 2005)

cindilu said:


> I say canning jars can be a lovely thing, and also chickens, you can never have enough chickens. And when you have to explain to someone why the camping survival gear is in the front of your garage for easy access to get to and load up then it might be your sign. Also when you have to explain why you have food shelves and medical shelves in your garage that might also be your sign. And when you have explain why you want land close to a water source and close to a hunting grounds that might also be your sign. Yep, I have decided there is a reason why I have stayed single all these years.


Yeah, but both parties will have their own interests, oddities, concerns, or whatever, some just ain't as close to the surface. It's partially a matter of accepting those differences (assuming they're relatively harmless)....some folks like to play golf. I can't fathom why anyone would want to do that, but if it keeps them grounded and they genuinely enjoy it, I have to chalk it up as a worthwhile venture, and I expect the same understanding in return.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

swamp man said:


> Yeah, but both parties will have their own interests, oddities, concerns, or whatever, some just ain't as close to the surface. It's partially a matter of accepting those differences (assuming they're relatively harmless)....some folks like to play golf. I can't fathom why anyone would want to do that, but if it keeps them grounded and they genuinely enjoy it, I have to chalk it up as a worthwhile venture, and I expect the same understanding in return.


Exactly, Swamp Man. These things fall under Trust, Respect and Understanding. A person is capable or they are not. My being a pretzel will not fill their void.


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## Jade1096 (Jan 2, 2008)

I think the pros and cons are going to be different for each couple.

That said, if you are having to ask pros and cons, it probably isn't the right person at this time!


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Right Nick, and since Im NOT wanting a golfer woman, and since I don't know who plays goof or not, Im holding off on them lol

Some might say, WELL, Theres likely women who wouldn't want to go to a theater with Clint Eastwood look alike, kinda, either. I understand that. I would never do that IF I was with somebody. Its just something I do to , heck if I know.


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## swamp man (Dec 25, 2005)

FarmboyBill said:


> Right Nick, and since Im NOT wanting a golfer woman, and since I don't know who plays goof or not, Im holding off on them lol
> 
> Some might say, WELL, Theres likely women who wouldn't want to go to a theater with Clint Eastwood look alike, kinda, either. I understand that. I would never do that IF I was with somebody. Its just something I do to , heck if I know.


So, if you're aware that dressing up like a dern cowboy is an odd thing to do and that it might raise questions to a stranger, but YOU dig it, cool...but you're not likely to make many new acquaintances on that outing.
...and as long as we're taking random examples literally and totally missing the point, why count out the golfer ladies? They can't help enjoying their dumbness any more than we can ours. I got close with a pro golfer gal in rehab who all but begged me to come back to Florida and be her pet, but I came to realize she was off her rocker. Didn't have nothin' to do with golf, though.
Don't count 'em out out so quick, man. Drop some manhood on the situation, spend some time, and evaluate. A woman don't usually unleash the inner-crazy until you've left your Clint Eastwood pants on her floor a time or two.


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## Jade1096 (Jan 2, 2008)

swamp man said:


> A woman don't usually unleash the inner-crazy until you've left your Clint Eastwood pants on her floor a time or two.


Quoted for truth.

16 years of law enforcement has taught me that crazy is definitely a sexually transmitted disease.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

sherry in Maine said:


> And Whynot, I dont understand why it is so important for a government that you dont care for or trust (or maybe I misunderstand you) to sanctify a union between two people, whether they're gay or straight.
> Government doesn't need to be involved in something between 2 people. Just sayin', not to start a fight.
> Yes, I have gay friends, one of them still actually thinks that most straights give a 'durn' about if gays are married. I'd say, a good deal of us 'straights' dont care either way, except that it now involves the government. Yes, I know about benefits, etc.


I'm not paranoid of my government, not sure where you got that. However, I expect a separation between church and state, since that is a part of the law. It's more about that and the fact that being legally married is a government issue and being spiritually married is a church issue. If a church doesn't want to marry two human beings, they are allowed to discriminate. As are private clubs and even companies to an extent on other matters. Our government, by its own laws, is not "allowed" to be prejudiced.

Just like it was wrong at one time of our government to make it illegal for a white person to marry a black person. Finally they made that "legal"...what about 50 years ago.

As I said or tried to imply, it's a legal issue not a spiritual one that I stand on that.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

cindilu said:


> Well after hour 2 he looked at his watch and said something I cannot repeat here. I just ignored him and went about getting it done. That was a little red flag for me I am pretty sure.


Was he HELPING with the yard work at least???

Uhm....I have to say after reading this last post about the grumpiness about yard work (and work in general) and the money thing, there's is nothing like a REAAAALY long engagement. 

I learned a lot of things from my last live-in. We lived together for about 7 years; I wouldn't marry him because it felt off. I'm glad for that. He's much happier now in the way he wants to live and etc and so am I. If we would have married it would have very much complicated things.

Personally I don't much mind if I get married ever again or not, but I do know that I will be (and am) taking my time before even deciding to live with someone again. Taking my time to make sure it's the right person and all.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

No, he didn't help with the yard work, rather followed me around the yard watching and sitting and kept looking at his watch. If I went to the front yard he would sit there, or back yard, he would sit there. To his credit he did put in and redid one of the steps going up into my house. He did it one step at a time while he was here so it took about two weeks for the five steps to be done. 

We are not living together either, we tried the sleep over thing but it is hard because he moves so much in the night, something about his feet hurting so he moves them nonstop to keep them hurting. I have always slept with my dog who makes a beeline under the covers when it is time to go to bed. The last night he was here she was rooting around under the covers and he made a remark, we have got to do something with the f*##* you get the idea dog. That was the last time he stayed the night. 

I am thinking I am just not cut out for being in a relationship and that single life is so much better. Hard because I really enjoying talking with someone over morning coffee or special trips to fun places.


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## bstuart29 (Jul 11, 2006)

cindilu said:


> No, he didn't help with the yard work, rather followed me around the yard watching and sitting and kept looking at his watch. If I went to the front yard he would sit there, or back yard, he would sit there. To his credit he did put in and redid one of the steps going up into my house. He did it one step at a time while he was here so it took about two weeks for the five steps to be done.
> 
> We are not living together either, we tried the sleep over thing but it is hard because he moves so much in the night, something about his feet hurting so he moves them nonstop to keep them hurting. I have always slept with my dog who makes a beeline under the covers when it is time to go to bed. The last night he was here she was rooting around under the covers and he made a remark, we have got to do something with the f*##* you get the idea dog. That was the last time he stayed the night.
> 
> I am thinking I am just not cut out for being in a relationship and that single life is so much better. Hard because I really enjoying talking with someone over morning coffee or special trips to fun places.


If ya not totally into with ya heart then it probaly is best to wait. Ya could still have friends over for coffee and do things together wether it's with him or someone else or even ya girlfriends


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## GarlicGirl (Mar 12, 2010)

cindilu said:


> No, he didn't help with the yard work, rather followed me around the yard watching and sitting and kept looking at his watch. If I went to the front yard he would sit there, or back yard, he would sit there. To his credit he did put in and redid one of the steps going up into my house. He did it one step at a time while he was here so it took about two weeks for the five steps to be done.
> 
> We are not living together either, we tried the sleep over thing but it is hard because he moves so much in the night, something about his feet hurting so he moves them nonstop to keep them hurting. I have always slept with my dog who makes a beeline under the covers when it is time to go to bed. The last night he was here she was rooting around under the covers and he made a remark, we have got to do something with the f*##* you get the idea dog. That was the last time he stayed the night.
> 
> I am thinking I am just not cut out for being in a relationship and that single life is so much better. Hard because I really enjoying talking with someone over morning coffee or special trips to fun places.


Sometimes it is not that being in a relationship is the problem but rather who you are in a relationship with. Don't settle for less than you deserve (sounds like you might be).


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

Sounds like he's not going to make the cut unless he realizes what he's doing...obviously he has no idea right now.


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## SimplerTimez (Jan 20, 2008)

cindilu said:


> <snip>
> 
> I am thinking I am just not cut out for being in a relationship and that single life is so much better. Hard because I really enjoying talking with someone over morning coffee or special trips to fun places.


I think you're just fine for being in a relationship; however, the other component of that relationship may just not be the right one...yet. Take your time. Nothing wrong with backing up a bit and catching your breath. And talking about expectations, both his and yours.

((hugs))

~ST


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## mickm (Jul 23, 2010)

Cindy, i honestly mean no offense, but it seems like it wasnt that long ago, that ya wadnt even interested in dating. Atleast iunderstood your comnents that way.

I certsinly wouldnt condider marrying someone you didnt feel like you could live without.


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, my two cents here lady... If you are asking for some thoughts, yours might be telling something is a little off..??? BUT it's good that you are thinking it all through. You want to go into a relationship or marriage with a clear idea of what you are getting yourself into.

Does he like working outdoors? Does he know what to do, might be lack of confidence instead of lack of work effort? Does he help if you ask or complain and moan if you do? Can he work though a project until done, within a timeline? Your steps come to mind here. My point being is he willing to help if you ask or does he complain and do shoddy work if asked? Or is he willing to jump in and help you out just because it means he can help and spend time with you. 

I would think that you would want someone who will like the lifestyle you are wanting. Money issues grow in relationships. Do you want to assume their bills etc or their spending habits.

I will also PM you another thought. LOL


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Never, ever, 'settle'.

It is better to be alone, than to settle.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

cindilu said:


> ....Hard because I really enjoying talking with someone over morning coffee or special trips to fun places.


If you like people with your coffee, become a regular at a local coffee shop or cafe. Works SO much better, in the long run....

Mon


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

............An ex girlfriend devised a method for a couple to solve their differences , this was after we split ! So , what each person does is make a list of specific points of disagreement , at home , by themselves.......politics , religion , sex , division of labor , etc . Next , they have a quiet meeting on neutral territory , maybe at the library so they can't raise their voices . They then compare their list(s) and see how much commonality there is between their specific items , then they slowly go down the list and discuss each subject until they reach closure , each side gauging the other and how much give there is . At the end of this process they don't schedule any dates and take however much time to consider the overall situation and evaluate, whether or NOT , they want to continue with the relationship . They , then have one meeting and decide how to proceed or call it quits . Probably won't work for everybody though ! , fordy


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Sounds pretty wise to me Chevy lol.


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Never, ever, 'settle'.
> 
> It is better to be alone, than to settle.


Never, ever, 'settle'?
If you never, ever, settle. You are destined to always be alone.

Each one of us has faults. I like life as I'm living it, but I'm a helluva long ways from perfection! If my imperfections couldn't be overlooked, or whom I was with, it would be a lost cause. No?

Why even bother?


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

littlejoe said:


> Never, ever, 'settle'?
> If you never, ever, settle. You are destined to always be alone.
> 
> Each one of us has faults. I like life as I'm living it, but I'm a helluva long ways from perfection! If my imperfections couldn't be overlooked, or whom I was with, it would be a lost cause. No?
> ...


When we bought this house 10 years ago, I wanted double stacked ovens and a gas cook top. 
I had the plans drawn up.
I had a friend / contractor that could do the cabinet for me in a weekend.
I had the appliances all picked out..
The person that did my plumbing, was also an aquaintence, and he and my spouse 'talked me out of it'.......really, my spouse didn't want to spend the extra money (less than 300) and wanted to move in RIGHT NOW, and was pi$$ed that I took down the tile in the bathroom.......

So I caved and settled for what I have now, 
Same with all the other appliances, and the carpet.
I 'settled' because I listened to everyone else's advice.
AND I HATE my oven/stove....I HATE the carpet, and the rest of the appliances.

Yes, we each have our own quirks and 'faults'.
Not one of us is perfect.
However, some "imperfections" are incompatible.
Some 'imperfections' are really patterns of behavior, and the catch phrase "well no one's perfect" is neatly applied, which loosely translates to "yeah, I know this bothers you, but it's me so take it or leave it".

Leaving it, thank you.


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## mickm (Jul 23, 2010)

Never get married for less then a double oven, has always been my motto!

Why anyone would ever marry, is beyond me.....

We all have faults, we all have pain. I am thankful to hsve met someone now who seems to understand that my faults are minor and part of me. She also seems to be happy with the dmall amount of good i have to offer.

It shouldnt be so hard, folks! I will say that you will never appreciate and enjoy another, until you are happy with yourself.

Someone else aint gonna make you happy, but they can darn sure make ya miserable!


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## bstuart29 (Jul 11, 2006)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Never, ever, 'settle'.
> 
> It is better to be alone, than to settle.


While I do really agree to never settle we shouldn't expect perfection either and I think many people look for perfection even tho they aren't close to it.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

All good points and I appreciate the advice. I still have a lot on my mind and this weekend I spent time with my friends talking and asking advice. My daycare parent that he payed a visit to and dropped the f bomb every other word in front of their daughter was not impressed with him. He had also dated my daycare parents sister 19 years ago. In other words if he had started spending more time at my house like during the day they would pull the daughter out of my care. 
It was my son who sealed the deal. He was not impressed either, he pretty much said that if my friend had started to spend more time at the house then he would be gone. He wanted nothing to do with him. That is just some of my thoughts at this time. Single life won again. Uggggg.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

frogmammy said:


> If you like people with your coffee, become a regular at a local coffee shop or cafe. Works SO much better, in the long run....
> 
> Mon


I love visiting over morning coffee. But a coffee shop is out. I am up at 5am and showered and already cleaning house by 6am. My daycare kids start coming in a 6:45 so going to a coffee shop is out. But it was a nice thought. Coffee at my house with whomever would need to be gone by 6:30.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Yes, we each have our own quirks and 'faults'.
> *Not one of us is perfect.*
> *However,* some "imperfections" are incompatible.
> Some 'imperfections' are really patterns of behavior, and the catch phrase "well no one's perfect" is neatly applied, which loosely translates to "yeah, I know this bothers you, but it's me so take it or leave it".
> ...





bstuart29 said:


> While I do really agree to never settle *we shouldn't expect perfection either * and I think many people look for perfection even tho they aren't close to it.


..........


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## SugarMag (Jun 30, 2011)

A guy who had something to say about my time management OR my dog (or my driving, by the way) would find himself on the front porch wondering why his backside was so sore. (It was the door hitting him)
Which is why I'm still single...


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## wildcard (Jun 19, 2013)

Upside of being hitched is that you don't have to renew your AAA card if your mate is a good car mechanic and you always have help bringing groceries in to the house. The downside is they expect you to make them grub from those sacks and you have to change the sheets in the sack.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> No, he didn't help with the yard work, rather followed me around the yard watching and sitting and kept looking at his watch.


Ha! Many years ago I (briefly) dated a city guy. He showed up at my house unexpectedly one Saturday morning while I was busy in my garden. Since he had dropped by without calling first, I felt justified in going right on working. He watched me for awhile, then said, "So what do you want to do today?" 

I was, like, "You're looking at it." 

"Oh."

ound:


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

DH used to sit and watch me mow the yard. When I was done, or stopped to rest, he'd run into the house and bring me a tall glass of ice water, or iced tea. Often, he'd have lunch or the evening meal ready when I put up the mower when the job was done. And he always told me how nice the yard looked. In twenty + years of marriage, he mowed the yard twice...each time it was because I was ill and asked him to do it because I couldn't. That was all fine....I'd MUCH rather do yardwork than housework!

He was a GREAT cook...unfortunately...he couldn't wash a dish to save his soul.

Mon


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

willow_girl said:


> Ha! Many years ago I (briefly) dated a city guy. He showed up at my house unexpectedly one Saturday morning while I was busy in my garden. Since he had dropped by without calling first, I felt justified in going right on working. He watched me for awhile, then said, "So what do you want to do today?"
> 
> I was, like, "You're looking at it."
> 
> ...



Oh a girl after my own heart. That is exactly how I would respond or responded in the case of him checking his watch and using the f word when he felt it was getting late. I was supposed to be visiting with him remember but since I warned him that I had planned on spending three hours in my yard that evening I felt justified to turn around and let him sit and watch his watch. Yep, I am pretty sure there is a reason why I remain single.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Those townie men are a dime a dozen. You can't swing a cat without hitting 1 or 3 of them, or more. It's nice having their attention, but leave 'em in town. Take them out in the woods, orchard or garden, they can't keep up. If they had any interest in our lifestyle, they'd be doing it already.

There are very few men appropriate for us. Likewise, there are very few appropriate women for true country woodsmen, prairiemen, hayseeds, cattlemen, plowboys and other stewards of the earth. It's terrifying when you meet the right one. Slow down and breathe. 

Yes, I want to get married. I'm waiting for him to catch up, he's still nesting.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Ya know that is true Laura. When we dated it became evident to me that he did not understand the lifestyle I was wanting to live or my long term goals. He did not understand why I had food put away, or meds or anything that had to do with survival. He did not understand running a business and that you have to act a certain way around clients. I wouldn't call him a city person either but just that we had different versions of what we wanted our lives to look like. So for now being single won out. Who knows what is in store for me. 

I do know that next month I plan on going to Chiloquin and looking at a piece of property and going to the Tribal Office there and talking daycare with them. If there is a need in the town for sure then I have money saved up for just the idea of buying said property. Oh, and it will be cash because I believe in being and doing this debt free.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Laura, did you say (There are very few reprobates for us) lol


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> It's terrifying when you meet the right one.


No, it isn't -- it's very, very nice!


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

willow_girl said:


> No, it isn't -- it's very, very nice!


 Well yeah, it's nice when you begin to settle into it. The terrifying part was realizing it's LOVE!

Cindilu the number 1 thing on my list of Must Haves in a man is he must already be living the life and already proved up. 

The xh LIED about the time and experience he had at the country life. 3 months is a long way from the 3 years he told me he had working on the ranch. It would've been a deal breaker. Men will say anything to be in your presence, in your nice home eating your good cooking and screwing in your bed.

There are lots of men who want this, but they don't really want the work.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

I get that I really do. I am thinking I will most likely be single for life. Or when I get said land in a different area that is primarily farming ranching who knows what could happen. But the price of land is starting to go up and so I have decided I need to act now while I have the money.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> The xh LIED about the time and experience he had at the country life.


Hoo boy ... BTDT, too!

When DH#3 and I embarked on our homesteading journey, I was green as a bean sprout. And nervous as heck when his daughter dumped a bunch of pregnant ewes and does on us ... :help:

But he assured me that he'd worked on a dairy farm through his teen years and knew all about livestock, blah blah blah ... and I believed him, right up until one of the does had a complicated delivery, and I looked to him to know what to do.

Remember that scene in "Gone with the Wind" where Miss Prissy shrieks, "I doan know nuthin' 'bout birthin' babies, Miss Scahlett!"

Yeah. Something like that ... ound:


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## littlejoe (Jan 17, 2007)

People really ---- me off! He chose not to understand, nor did he want too. He lived for the here and now of immediate gratification. He had no future plans other than pull the wool over your eyes. He was looking for a sugar tit for today and tomorrow, and as long as it lasted!

He/she would take until they had taken the last drop. Vampires was what I think Zong reffered them as. They're the worst of the worst!

This country...world(?) is full of them! They are above work. They are owed a living by the people who do work. They think they are smarter and wiser? They are scam artists, plain and simple. And you were almost scammed! I'd just as soon see them buried, but I wouldn't be there for a graveside service.

They come in all sexes, colors, shapes, and sizes. Glad you got this one figured out!



cindilu said:


> When we dated it became evident to me that he did not understand the lifestyle I was wanting to live or my long term goals. He did not understand why I had food put away, or meds or anything that had to do with survival. He did not understand running a business and that you have to act a certain way around clients. I wouldn't call him a city person either but just that we had different versions of what we wanted our lives to look like. So for now being single won out. Who knows what is in store for me.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

cindilu said:


> Ya know that is true Laura. When we dated it became evident to me that *he did not understand the lifestyle I was wanting to live or my long term goals. He did not understand why *I had food put away, or meds or anything that had to do with survival.


If I don't understand something that I am interested in, I dig in. 
Ask questions. Go to the library. Seek out those who DO understand.
But it sounds like he's not interested.....
Check please.



> *He did not understand running a business and that you have to act a certain way around clients*.


That's more than backwards, that's rude.
Run Forest Run



> I wouldn't call him a city person either but just that we had different versions of what we wanted our lives to look like. So for now being single won out. Who knows what is in store for me.


Better days! Don't let dead weight drag you down.



Laura said:


> Cindilu the number 1 thing on my list of Must Haves in a man is he must already be living the life and already proved up.


AMEN two times.
IMHO, I am done raising babies.
Sounds like this dude needs a mommy and sex.
Nothing more.
*Give me a man, that is a man, that can run a household / property on his own, can manage finances frugally and intelligently....knows how to give as much as he takes, isn't self consumed and is ready to take on the day bright and early because he's not sitting up all night playing video games....and has been doing so FOR YEARS......then we're talking.



> There are lots of men who want this, but they don't really want the work.


I know that's right.
Or lots of guys who will say whatever it takes to satisfy their carnal needs and have someone cook and clean for them......
Show me a man that can do all of the above*, and good chances are he' single because he's widowed, cause no woman in her right mind would put him out!


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

I am actually going to go out on a date with a man whom I have dated in the past. He is a sweet guy who was widowed about 6 years ago. I knew both him and his wife as we went to the same church. She was a beautiful native american who died early of cancer. When we dated in the past we got along well and his son and my son became best friends. It is pretty much my fault that we didn't work out. He hasn't dated since and has my picture up in his living room still so I am taking it as a good sign he doesn't hate me. 
He grew up on a farm ranching and now works for CAT working on diesel equipment and repairing tractors. He is a hard worker and treats me like a queen. He is a dang good cook and many of times we would work in the kitchen together. When I bought this house I was homeless for a couple of weeks while I was between houses closing and so I stayed with him during the time. I went into it kicking and screaming because I had been on my own for so long and was used to my own space. I just knew I was going to hate it and hate living there. Well it turned out quite the experience as he puts it and it was rather enjoyable. As he puts it, it became the highlight of his last 7 years and the best time he has had in the last 7 years. I did enjoy it, I enjoyed his company and his sons as well. Like I said it was my issues I had to work through for us to not work out. It had nothing to do with his end and he hasn't dated since. We met at the park last week for music and we are going to go out for lunch today. So I guess we will see what happens from there. If it can work out this time I am not going to screw it up.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Good luck babe


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## SimplerTimez (Jan 20, 2008)

Best wishes!

~ST


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

Pearl B said:


> Seems to me if someone really cared about the other person they wouldnt ask them to risk losing that. If they balk at singing pre-nup, I would question their motivation.


I would question how you could say you love me unconditionally even though you don't trust me.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

Joshie said:


> I would question how you could say you love me unconditionally even though you don't trust me.


Because if you loved me you'd happily sign a prenup to reassure me that you aren't trying to take all I have like my ex did. Or is it what I have financially that you really love?


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

katydidagain said:


> Because if you loved me you'd happily sign a prenup to reassure me that you aren't trying to take all I have like my ex did. Or is it what I have financially that you really love?


Ah, but you are making my point. I'd not marry somebody who didn't trust me and who wouldn't open all their heart to me. 



zong said:


> When you ain't got nothing
> You ain't got nothing to lose.


Of course you do. You could lose your heart. It seems that a lot of people are assuming that the only people who wouldn't want to sign a prenup have no assets. That's just not the truth. 

In my opinion one shouldn't marry for money or tax purposes. A good marriage isn't based on business. It's a vow before God based upon love and trust. I think that if you have doubts it's not the right time.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

Never getting married again so moot point.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

oh yeah, I can so relate to what Laura said. take em to the woods and they can't keep up. I know I said back about a year ago I wouldn't take any more city guys out to my little shack(bit of paradise) but I did it again this morning. I practically had to drag this one through the woods also. the flys bothered him after a few minutes although I had fly oil he wouldn't use it. I hardly got any brush cutting done because he was whineing so much. that was a day shot there. I got to go back and catch up on Tuesday. I brought him on back and dumped him at Tim Hortons. he thought he was coming back here and I would cook supper. I got to find me a rough and tumble man. ~Georgia.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

Joshie said:


> Ah, but you are making my point. I'd not marry somebody who didn't trust me and who wouldn't open all their heart to me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


In other cultures, marriages ARE business arrangements, and there are far fewer divorces than what we have in our culture of Love and Romance.

I got married, took a vow before God out Love, trust and respect. I had no doubts. He killed it all, turned my heart to stone and ruined my health.

By the grace of God I have a 2nd chance at life and love, and I don't plan on wasting it.

If the man wants to get married, I expect there will be a prenup. Because he loves and trusts me, it should have considerations and accommodations for my circumstances at least equal to the community property laws of this state, not a selfish kick-me-to-the-curb-if-I'm-not-perfect deal like the xh tried to pull in our divorce.

Working out the deal in Love before legal entanglements is probably the better option.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

> *Give me a man, that is a man, that can run a household / property on his own, can manage finances frugally and intelligently....knows how to give as much as he takes, isn't self consumed and is ready to take on the day bright and early because he's not sitting up all night playing video games....and has been doing so FOR YEARS......then we're talking.


See, I know that man. I've known him for 2 &1/2 years without jumping into bed with him or putting up with his BS. It's taken this long for him to trust me as much as I trust him, to share the hidden facets he shares with no one else. He's still adorable to me.

I find it perplexing we are much more careful in who we employ in our businesses than we are in who we allow in our hearts and our beds. That didn't work for me, (understatement) so I changed it.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

nfannie. U say you like a rough man that likes to tumble?? lol


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## bstuart29 (Jul 11, 2006)

Some things are better left unsaid!!!


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Laura said:


> See, I know that man. I've known him for 2 &1/2 years without jumping into bed with him or putting up with his BS. It's taken this long for him to trust me as much as I trust him, to share the hidden facets he shares with no one else. He's still adorable to me.
> 
> I find it perplexing we are much more careful in who we employ in our businesses than we are in who we allow in our hearts and our beds. That didn't work for me, (understatement) so I changed it.


I find it perplexing we are much more careful in who we employ in our businesses than we are in who we allow in our hearts and our beds. That didn't work for me, (understatement) so I changed it. 

Oh this is good, really good. Never thought about it like this before. In business I am very careful with what I do and who I allow into my home, what I say, how I act etc etc etc. If I payed the same attention to someone I would date that would change things up quite a bit. Thank you for this little bit of gold advice.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Laura said:


> I find it perplexing we are much more careful in who we employ in our businesses than we are in who we allow in our hearts and our beds. That didn't work for me, (understatement) so I changed it.



Interesting huh.
We will backround check a potential employee, ask for references, run a credit check, dig into their person lives (are you a renter / home owner?) And we will QUICKLY strike one off the list if they throw out "red flags".

But

We over look, put up with, justify, and cling to complete, dirtbags.

What is that? :shocked:

I am convinced it has something to do with our childhood.....


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

I have decided single life has won out all across the board. Next month I go down to pow wow and will talk with the town people and also the tribe. My biggest issue is if there is a need for daycare in the town I am considering relocating to. If there is a need and if I get a good vibe from the pow wow and neighbors etc then I plan to put a offer on a piece of property there. Who knows what is in store for me, but I am ready to come back home. I have some fishing and hunting with my father to be catching up on.


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