# Need to ramble...



## mamajohnson (Nov 27, 2002)

I know ya'll will listen and keep me together. 
I feel like I'm falling apart. When I lost my job I sorta just sucked it up applied for the unemployment and went on. Then Rodney was laid off about a month later. Again, sucked it up and went on. We are struggling financially. So, he decided to take out his IRA and pay off the truck, no more 300$ month payments and the insurance goes down about 200$. Sounds great, found out today that he will be penalized on his unemployment because of that. We have a $6000. check sitting here, we won't get to do anything with it but pay off the truck. And he won't get at least 2 weeks of his unemployment, we are hoping they won't stop it all together. Back when he lost his job I applied for food stamps, thinking that would help us make our bills. We make too much money on unemployment for food stamps. Go figure.

Farmwise -I did get blessed with the alpaca I wanted, and it was truely a blessing. I couldn't sell any goats at all this year, so trading was a good deal to me. 

Two weeks ago, while DH & DS were in Dallas working on my mom's house my favorite dairy goat died. My DD and I found her dead in the woods when she wasn't at the feed bowls. IT took us 4 hours to bury her. I sorta just sucked that up and went on.
Last week, while DH & DS were in Dallas again (they came home Sat & Sun) my son's cat died. Found her dead the day they were on the way home. The guys took that burial duty.

I noticed last week my alpaca, Sweetheart was sorta off the feed. I watched and felt of her and studied. I wormed her, I talked to the vet , pumped her full of more wormer, drenched vitamins, took temps...you know the routine. Last night she was looking around alert with her ears perky, even got up and moved two or three times, drank water, held hay in her mouth. I was hopeful. This morning she was lying on her side in the pen, I picked up her head and she looked so sad. She even gave me the sadest little humm....almost a plead for mercy. She was gone within thirty min. of that. 
Thank the Lord my DH didn't go to Dallas like he was suppossed to. He got delayed. It took the 4 of us about 3 hours to get her buried.

Now Rodney and Zach are getting ready to leave for the next 3-5 days. 

I just feel broken. There is a hole in my heart and half my family is leaving. Can't hardly contain my tears.

Thnx for the ears and shoulders.


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## Forerunner (Mar 23, 2007)

MJ....that routine is painfully familiar.

Trials build spiritual character.

Understand that and persevere.


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## gone-a-milkin (Mar 4, 2007)

Oh mamaj, hugs to you! 

:grouphug:

That is a lot to have happen all at once.

I dont really have any wisdom to add, only sympathy.


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## Homesteader (Jul 13, 2002)

I too cannot fix it, but I am thinking of you and hope things get better. Loss of jobs is so difficult to bear.


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## frazzlehead (Aug 23, 2005)

Love to you from the cold snowy north.

It's so hard, I know.

Hang in there, it does get better. It's gotta.


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## hercsmama (Jan 15, 2004)

:grouphug:
I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time.
I wish I was one of those people who always say the right thing to make it better, but I'm not. Just know I'm thinking of you, and sending positive thoughts for your family


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## DW (May 10, 2002)

(((((hugs)))))


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## Woodpecker (Mar 8, 2007)

I too have no words but I am sorry for your troubles.


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## IowaLez (Mar 6, 2006)

So sorry you are having a hard time with things. I hope they get better for you sooner rather than later. Just try to stay strong and keep putting one foot before the other, and in time things will pass. I will keep you in my prayers.


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## mamajohnson (Nov 27, 2002)

Thnx to each of you. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. 
I really feel like a whiney baby. I know some of you have way more on your plate than I do. 

Losing work I can almost deal with. The inability of finding work is getting tough. I have always been able to snag a job within days of starting to look. Not weeks. Not months. 


I hope tomorrow is a better day. I will just try to get there from here.


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## mamajohnson (Nov 27, 2002)

Sure wish I had a shot of something! A hot toddy would be nice.
Have one for me, would ya?

I may break open one of the bottles of wine I made. They really should age a bit more.......
but maybe 3-4 months is long enough??


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## AverageJo (Sep 24, 2010)

MommaJ... Just got back on. Got your PM, too. I'm so sorry about the loss. Wish I could fix it for you, but I doubt that I can. Seems your sorrows are coming in more than threes, too. Perhaps you're done for now. Wish you were closer....

Sending hugs and good thoughts and prayers out your way. Go sit with the critters tomorrow and hopefully soak up some sunshine. They'll either be playing which will lighten the heart, or they'll be peacefully grazing which will bring you peace. Don't do chores, just pick a spot and sit and watch... and .... just 'be'....


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## mamajohnson (Nov 27, 2002)

Good advise... I have already done some of that.
My little piggy goats are always quick to come investigate, just in case you have food you know. 
We brought in a big round bale of hay yesterday so they are all doing their best to eat it today. lol...there is lots of 'rolling' of the alpaca and climbing of the goats. It seems they are almost half way through the bale already. 

I'm gonna take them some baking soda and open my box I just got from knit picks. casting on socks should change my outlook.

Ya'll are the greatest.


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## rileyjo (Feb 14, 2005)

Sorry for what you have been going through. Here's hoping that things will turn the corner soon.

I have been following your attempts to save Sweetheart. She sounds like she truly was...hugs to you and your family.


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

Oh MamaJ that's rough and really sucks  Losing so much in such a short time. Sometimes life seems so unfair :sob: I suppose the only way to look at this is to think that things can only get better from here :thumb: The sun will shine again, wish I could tell you when but I don't have those powers.

Go spin and or knit and listen to some soothing music. Or take a chair out to the alpaca area and sit with them and knit. I bet they would love the attention and you would get lots of soft kisses.

Hugs to you :kiss:


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## gone-a-milkin (Mar 4, 2007)

Reggie sends you some of his little curly goat hugs too,.


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## JDog1222 (Aug 19, 2010)

I know how you must feel MJ, we sure do LOVE our critters! YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND DH TOO, things will HOPEFULLY get better SOON! :grouphug: :kiss:


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## jd4020 (Feb 24, 2005)

Sorry to hear this news. (((()))
I've been there too. 
Lifting you up in thought and prayer.
jd


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## PKBoo (Apr 10, 2008)

Oh mamaj - so sorry to hear all that you've gone through! You've been through more than what many people have to! 

And to lose some of your favorite critters on top of all that  

You NEED to be sad about all of this! Don't feel that you are whining (you aren't!) and you need to grieve and be sad! 

And knit, and spin - that's the best therapy :thumb:


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## Pigeon Lady (Apr 4, 2004)

Gosh mamaj! What a time you're having. Could the critters have got into some poison somewhere in the woods? 

When we lived in NC I had a friend who was in a similar situation money-wise and she was also told that she didn't qualify for food stamps. It was crazy. 

Sending hugs and prayers for you and your guys. I sure hope things take a turn for the better soon.

Love,

Pauline


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## weever (Oct 1, 2006)

Hugs to you mamaj. Sometimes it helps to just let it out. That's what we're here for.


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## Callieslamb (Feb 27, 2007)

MamaJ- hugs for you from me too. Sometimes life stinks. Hang on!


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## stef (Sep 14, 2002)

mamajohnson said:


> Thnx to each of you. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.
> I really feel like a whiney baby. I know some of you have way more on your plate than I do.
> 
> Losing work I can almost deal with. The inability of finding work is getting tough. I have always been able to snag a job within days of starting to look. Not weeks. Not months.
> ...


Dear Mamma J...it's not 'whiny' at all. I'm so sorry for all the pain. (((( MJ ))))


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## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

So sorry MamaJ. It's hard to go through the stress of money troubles like that, and then you throw on the loss of beloved pets and it makes it so much worse! :kiss: Hang in there.:grouphug:


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## Ana Bluebird (Dec 8, 2002)

So sorry for your hardship. Does it help any to know we have all suffered through such things too. I just lost my constant companion (she was only 6 years old), my dog that was more than a dog, a joy to our lives, wanting to please us. So I know it HURTS! Guess it will take awhile---I just try to keep busy, keep my mind busy. Bless your aching heart for caring.


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## DragonFlyFarm (Oct 12, 2012)

Oh MammaJ I'm so sorry. Put on some comphys, curl up and let the tears flow -- it's not being whiney, you gotta let it out. Each day is a new beginning, things will get better. Hugs to you.


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## Katherine in KY (May 11, 2002)

Sending positive thoughts your way--the good news is that things will get better!


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## Miz Mary (Feb 15, 2003)

Ohhhhhhh Im so sorry MamaJ ..... losing pets is one of life's hardest trials ... cry your eyes out , it will cleanse your soul .......

Yoga , counting blessings, and casting on sure helps me when I'm sad .......

I am praying for joy to be in your life .....


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## MullersLaneFarm (Jul 23, 2004)

MamaJ, this is so heart breaking.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today.


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## Stiffchick (Jul 18, 2012)

I am sorry for your losses. We were in a similar financial situation, and did not qualify for food stamps. can you find a food co op or church, out here its called helping hands, and anyone can go. its about $20 for a meat box, then they give all kinds of other items such a juice or soda, bread fruit, veggies for free. ( I have never found much use for the pantry boxes they sell) but cannot beat the price of the meat box and free items. There is no income requirement, anyone who wants to go can. It just helps stretch the food budget alot.


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## bergere (May 11, 2002)

I am so very sorry you are going through this. 

Not to long ago, my DH was laid off for 15 months, and we couldn't get food stamps either.
Made it very hard. 
Sold what little we had, including the tractor we in all honesty needed, and my car. 
We kept DH little Toyota Echo.
Also lost a wonderful pet during that time. sigh ~~
Luckily I had a small garden and a few chickens... while there wasn't a lot of food, we had some.
If you don't have food allergies, see if there are any local food banks in the area. 
We took, one day at a time, it made it a little easier.

I heart goes out to you. ((hugs))


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## mamajohnson (Nov 27, 2002)

Thnx ya'll. I had totally forgotten about the food box thingy. I will try to remember what it is called here. We do have some preps, so we won't be hungry for awhile yet. But the kids do look a little sad when it's beans and rice....again. lol. 
I have a better outlook the last few days. Spent some quality time in the animal pen. :gaptooth: That one messy Alpaca just loves to come up and rub on my back/shoulder with a mouth full of hay. 
My DH has been gone, working on my mom's house, and she is insisting to pay him. Which is really unfair, as we are living on dad's farm, and it is only 1000$ away from payoff, and we are not able to make as big payments as we would like. So, DH and Mom keep handing money back and forth. lol!

I know all will work out. Sometimes I just hate money. Just really do. 
I did plant lots of greens, so we have that, and found 3 volunteer tomatoe plants. If we can enclose them we may actually get some tomatoes off of them. Better yet, I may try to put them in pots and bring them in.

I have squeezed out 2 Christmas gifts so far. Only 4 more to go to cover all the kids. Those 4 (they are grown) will get something hand knit. 
DH needs a new laptop. Not sure if I can pull that one off. 


I keep seeing 'thankful' posts on facebook. I have to say, I am thankful for this fiber forum.
Ya'll are the greatest!


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## Marchwind (May 10, 2002)

Glad your feeling a bit better today MamaJ


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## Lythrum (Dec 19, 2005)

Having people that you can offload some of your problems to, without having to keep a strong front up for is *really* important. I know when I got laid off last year, hubby had been a stay at home dad, we were facing losing everything and having to move in with his parents. I kept trying to stay strong and not get him worked up about it anymore or get my daughter worried about what was going to happen. It sucks when inside you are down and try to be optimistic for others. I found that just going off by myself for a little, acknowledging that I was hurting and letting some of it out really made it so that I was able to keep going. So it isn't "whining", it's free group therapy.  

I will offer this advice though. After *it* happened, I sat down and looked at our budget with the unemployment, severance, etc. We came up with a game plan on what we were going to be able to do, including a worst-case scenario. For us, it would be packing up and moving in with my in-laws in Nebraska. While that is by no means what I would want to do, as a worst case scenario it really isn't that bad, considering I'd almost envisioned us homeless living under an overpass. Sometimes just the fear of the unknown is worse than seeing what could happen and acknowledging it. Once we had a plan, I could stop with the constant worrying and have a little peace. Don't underestimate how important morale and your mental condition are, and how important it is to take care of yourself too. We get so busy taking care of others and worrying about others that we don't take care of ourselves.
:grouphug:


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## mamajohnson (Nov 27, 2002)

Lythrum, your right! I love free group therapy.

Yesterday we received DH's IRA payment, went to the bank and turned it into a cashier's check and mailed it to pay off the truck. That will take lots of pressure off. Now the truck is paid for, the house is paid for and the land almost paid for. 
I think I worry too much. If we can keep the lights and internet and cell phones on, we can make it.

A plan makes a big difference. We have been working on that.


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