# What do you do if you have no support?



## rabbitpatch (Jan 14, 2008)

I want to be healthier so bad it makes me cry sometimes. I've been heavy most of my life and I hate it. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. 

I have tried numerous different "diets" - but I can never stick to any one thing for very long because of my DH. I know it sounds like an excuse but I really and truly do not know how to deal with it. It's not that he tries to sabotage my efforts or anything like that - it's more that he has no interest or concern about his weight or health and therefore really doesn't understand why it concerns me. All he thinks about is the fact that he's hungry and want's something "good" to eat.

I've tried just cooking less food, but then he complains he's still hungry. I've tried just not buying certain foods, but then when I ask him what he wants for supper, the only thing he wants are the very things I'm trying to give up. 

And it's not just him - I have my weak moments too where I'm just craving something awful - like fried chicken and mashed potatoes or macaroni and cheese, or some such thing that I know if I eat 1 bite I'll eat the whole pot.

I know if I could get him to _want_ to be healthy it would help me tremendously, as I would then have a "partner in the fight" and we could encourage each other. I also know that I cannot _make_ him want to do anything. May biggest hurdle within myself is the fact that I have no self control without outside help. I can decide today that "I am not going to eat any more sweets" but 3 days from now I'll be craving sugar and it's like my body plays tricks with my head. "One bite won't hurt (even though I know I can't stop at one bite)." or "Who's going to know if you eat this cake - nobody else cares so just eat it and you can start over tomorrow." However, if I knew that I had to be accountable to my DH - "He can't have it so I can't either" - then I honestly think it would be easier for me to reject the foods I know are a problem for me. But since he has no desire to be healthy, that's not going to happen.

So what can I do to help myself since I have no support at home? I know it's mostly psychological on my part but that doesn't change the fact that I don't know how to deal with it. We are on a tight budget, so joining a health club or hiring a professional of some kind is out of the question. Buddy-ing up with a friend won't work either - since I won't see that person on a daily basis and won't be eating many, if any meals with that person, then the psychological effect of "I'm going to eat less because he/she is eating less" isn't there either.

I'm hopeless


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## PamB (Jan 15, 2008)

You are not hopeless! Journaling may help you, writing down how you feel, what you eat, etc. I have the support of my DH but still struggle daily with what I am eating. hang in there. Pam


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## rabbitpatch (Jan 14, 2008)

I know this is going to sound like I'm just making excuses, but I swear I'm not! Journaling doesn't work for me. Oh I can start one with the finest of intentions to keep up with it....but before long my ADD takes over and I forget to write in it or I misplace it and can't find it for a month or some such frustrating thing as that. I've tried carrying a notebook around with me, taking it everywhere I go even if I don't need it - and I still managed to lay it down somewhere and forget about it.

Now if you can tell me how to never loose the dang thing (without _literally_ stapling it to my arm), we might make some progress!


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

eat more veggies. Seriously. Even if you hate them. Even if you don't want them. If you are craving sugar, what you are craving is energy. Your body is deficient in some nutrient or another. Also, up your protein intake. Keeps you from getting hungry as often. 

Get a small george foreman grill. I know. They seem dumb - gimmicky even. I resisted this idea for a long time. But it has been a really good thing! You can cook chicken or fish from frozen in that thing in a matter of minutes, and it tastes good. Get your husband sandwich meat or whatever he will eat. He is a grown man. He can fix his own food if he won't eat yours. Then use the foreman for yourself. Explain to him that you are doing this because you love him and want to grow old with him, and if your health does not change, that will not happen. 

And, remember this moment. Is the pain of change worse than the guilt and hopelessness you feel right now? I don't think so! Also, go and get some exercise! It changes you frame of mind. REALLY! I have decided that the most difficult thing for my body to do is to sit around and do nothing! It just sucks all the energy right out of me! I never knew that 70 lbs ago! Honestly! It feels like you don't have the energy for exercise... but exercise (over time) is an energy INCREASING enterprise! Also... it makes you feel like you are being successful at something, which makes it easier to make good food choices. It really does. 

Also, everything you do is a CHOICE. JUST a choice. In 5 min., if you make a bad choice, in 6 min. you have the opportunity to RE choose! You don't have to stay in that place for any length of time, and it does NOT mean that you have failed! It doesn't! Just make the next choice a better one. Soon enough, you will begin to make more and more of those Good choices and feel like you actually have power over the food. You do. You can do it!

Don't stuff your emotions. If journaling will not work, find a way to deal with them that doesn't require food.

Finally, YOU are NOT alone! We aren't there every day to make choices for you, but we out here in cycberspace have got your back! Hang in there!

In the trenches with you,
Cindyc.


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## rabbitpatch (Jan 14, 2008)

I love vegetables....and I don't cook them to death or smother them in cheese or butter. I like them fresh, raw, steamed, roasted, whatever. I'll take a baked (in the oven not the microwave) sweet potato over a steak most any day - out of the oven I love them plain - butter and stuff not necessary.

I actually have a george foreman grill and I do use it.

I stopped buying lunch meat very often because sandwiches require bread, and if there is bread in the house I'll eat it. I have managed to train myself to _not_ crave bread. I can buy it (or I like to bake my own) on occasion and not miss it when it's not there - but if it's there I eat it. My husband has a disability that makes it difficult for him to prepare his own meals. He can manage sandwiches (but that means I have to buy bread!) or opening a can of soup, or warming left overs, but he can't cook safely. 

Truthfully, I _can_ cook healthy food that we will both eat. I have gotten much better at it in the last year or so actually. My biggest difficulty, in all honesty, is knowing when to stop. Food is not an emotional thing for me. If I'm upset or stressed or anything that might be a normal trigger for others - I _can't_ eat. The worst is if I'm upset - the very thought of food makes me sick when I'm upset.

My problem is two-fold. 1. I love the taste of food. Not just any food, I like _good_ food. Fast food, I couldn't care less about - it's crap in my book. But give me a plate of home cooked food with real ingredients, and I'm in heaven. I like to experiment and try new things. 2. Portion control - plain and simple. I stopped buying things like potato chips because I can eat the whole bag without even thinking about it. The only way to not eat them all is to not buy them. I don't want chips or cookies or snacks like that badly enough to fork over the extra cash to buy portion control packages, so I just don't buy them at all. I just try to avoid junk food all together because it's the simplest way to not eat too much of it. Other food is still a problem for me though. When I cook, I try to make enough for supper that night and lunch the next day so that DH will have something to eat for lunch the next day. What usually happens however is we both finish a plate and he's still hungry and wants more - and I'm tempted because it tastes good - so since he's having 2nds then I have 2nds too. Yes, I know I'm in control of myself and I can't blame my choices on him - but that's the struggle I fight with every day. And then of course there are those days when I'm just plain too tired to cook, so I go for whatever is easy. Easy usually means bad, bad, bad! 

I don't eat breakfast and I know what's a big problem too. I don't eat breakfast because I'm rarely hungry in the morning. If I'm hungry I'll eat some fruit or make a kefir smoothie, but most mornings I'm simply not hungry. I grab a cup of coffee or hot tea and I'm fine until lunch time.

I might not exercise as much as i should, but I don't sit around all day either. I do work in an office so I sit for long stretches of time - but there are numerous occasions throughout the day where I need to walk to walk to the other side of the building. We are not allowed to park in front of the building, so I park in the gravel out back and walk around the building to get to my office each morning (and back again to go home each evening). I take the dogs for walks, work in the garden, mow my yard with a push mower (it's too small for a rider anyway), go ride my horses (which usually means walking 1/2 a mile out into the pasture to go get them, up and down a couple of steep hills). I have no doubt that _more_ exercise would be beneficial, but I'm not sedentary to begin with.


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## PamB (Jan 15, 2008)

The best way I have found is to not eat breads, to really limit sugar, and eat lots of veggies and fruits, I usually make myself a big bowl of salad with all sorts of veggies and use a little regular dressing, ranch or Italian. its hard but doable. I am getting back on the bandwagon, tomorrow, well actually right now! the best I ever did and easiest was to eliminate bread, fried foods, junk food of any kind, and to make sure sugar was the 5th or lower ingredient in anything I ate. you can do it! Pam


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## cindy-e (Feb 14, 2008)

I really, really try to be encouraging and supportive when I post here, because I know how hard it is to lose weight. I really do. But the bottom line is, you are doing what you want to do... at least in the moment. In the moment when the food is in front of you, you want that food more than you want weight loss. And you have to decide to change that. I am quite sure you feel bad about it afterward. But when the choice is before you, the food wins. It's not will power. It's not a lack of support. It is a choice. And it *is* an emotional choice. Eating good food makes you feel good. It is pleasurable. that is emotional. So be sure that your day has pleasurable experiences in it elsewhere. Find another way to enjoy yourself that doesn't revolve around food. Or find better ways to fence off your food hobby that are not destructive to your weight loss goals. There is nothing wrong with being a foodie. Lots of people are. You can do that without sabotaging yourself. You can. Think about what makes the food pleasurable. Think hard about that. And create that experience for yourself using the framework of "how can I have that pleasurable experience with food while meeting my other health goals?" It is possible. And you can do it. You don't have any temptation because you don't have any banned food. You just have foods you can have more of, and foods you can have less of. You have foods you can have more often, and foods you can have less often too. Never deny yourself anything you want. Just be smart about it. And have a back up plan for if you eat a little of something and you are still hungry, but shouldn't have more... NOT carrots or something that will feel like a punishment. Mine is a decaffe latte that my daughter makes for me that is 150 calories, or 100 calories of cookies or chips. 
I love food too! So I exercise - hard. I understand that I can't have it both ways. I can't eat what and how much I want and go for a little 30 min. walk every other day and expect anything but weight gain. The numbers won't work out that way. But the more vigorous the exercise plan, the more calories you can eat. Your metabolism is better, you burn fat better, and you simply use more calories in the day. Also, you tend to make better food choices because you need to fuel the workouts you want to complete. 
I really am not judging you. I have so been in your shoes. But if weight loss is going to work for you, you have to start evaluating what isn't working in your lifestyle and change. If everything is an obstacle to weightloss, and you can't see your way out of that, then you are not ready to change. You want to lose weight like some people want to save money for retirement and never do because they want what they are spending money on more. I am sorry to be so blunt. But being blunt with myself is what allows me to see results on the scale. I really have been in your shoes. I have the husband who brings bad food into the house too, and teens who do as well. We are working on that for their sakes, because I want them to make healthier choices. But at the end of the day, I have to be responsible for what I put in my mouth. Nobody is going to do that for me. And nobody but me can move my body to get it healthy but me. And that means looking long and hard at my situation to determine how to make it work, not letting myself get away with telling myself why it won't. I wish you success! You can do it!
FWIW,
Cindyc.


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## Pink_Carnation (Apr 21, 2006)

You could try journalling on the computer....it won't be quite as easy since you will have to remember things when at the computer but it can still help. For dinner I would give yourself a smaller plate than your husband and then you can have seconds with him and not eat as much as you have been. I would also try to find a few pictures that you could hang up in different areas that might help you resist the urge to cave. Here is a link to one as an example..

http://m.blog.hu/gh/ghettoworkout/image/sufferthetwopain.jpg


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