# Feeling intimidated



## Jakk (Aug 14, 2008)

I have never homeschooled before. I have four kids, DS 21 and in college, DS 17 and will be starting 12th grade, DD 13 and starting 9th grade and 4, preschool age. I also take care of my 2.5 yr old Goddaughter five days a week. 

My 17 yr old son will continue to finish high school at his private school. I feel pulling him out in his last year will be detrimental to him. He is autistic and change of any sort is devestating to him.

My 4 yr old and my 2.5 yr old Goddaughter will be homeschooled as well as my 13 yr old. I am more than confident that I can homeschool them. 

I have chosen to homeschool for several reasons. My main concern is my 13 yr old daughter. She came to live with me at the age of 7 after her bio mom OD'd on drugs. I adopted her at the age of 9 and she has no sense of family connection, was not taught manners, morals or values and I have struggled with this for the past 6 yrs with her. At this point I feel her behavior is a_choice_as I know I have taught her manners, morals and values. To her, we might as well be strangers on the street. I feel she needs the one one one time I will spend with her by homeschooling. I dont know if that makes sense, but she had a very rough first 7 yrs of life with her bio mom and we are having a difficult time with lifeskills, and getting along with people in general. 

I am also battling the sense of entitlement that she has. She understands the value of a $ as I have taught her how to shop, compare and how to budget money. She will rarely spend a dime of her own money, yet feels entitled to a cell phone, ipod, computer and anything else her fellow peers have. I cant say friends, because she has none. She is a good student, she gets A's B's and an occasional C if she doesnt study.

My biggest hurdle is my husband. He is against homeschooling for her. He says she will get no where because we are not high school educators. He doesnt seem to understand that she needs more than just academics, and the time between after school and bedtime is just not enough of the family togetherness that I feel she needs. 

Im not sure where to begin with her and homeschooling. Will the public school let me have the curriculum that I need? Do I need to buy it somewhere? I would like a Christian, bible based program. How does she obtain a High School diploma if she isnt in the public school? Can I succeed at this while dealing with opposition from my husband? I feel the worst that can happen if I fail to teach her is that she will need to repeat a grade in public school. I feel if I dont TRY homeschooling I could be failing her in an even greater way.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

One of the hardest things in the world to do is to home educate without your spouse's support. I'm not saying that to discourage you -- it's just that, in my experience, you've got a lot of challenges coming, and seriously, you NEED to be on the same page as your DH.

If his ONLY concern is that the two of you aren't accredited teachers, then please, talk to him about that. It does NOT take a teaching degree to facilitate a child's education. It *DOES* take a LOT of hard work, and a willingness to be your child's strongest advocate.

The only thing I can say that I think may help is to sit down and have a calm, candid conversation about your daughter with your husband. Outline to him that many, many, MANY people home educate their children successfully, without teaching degrees. Discuss with him the issues and challenges you feel your daughter is going to face in high school and explain to him, again, calmly and candidly, WHY you feel that home educating is a better choice right now. Discuss this with him and RESPECT HIS OPINION. This is HIS child, too -- if he is adamant on his viewpoint, ask him how he wants to proceed with the challenges facing your family re: your daughter. If he doesn't want to listen to YOUR solution, he needs to give input on what his would be.

I don't know what the situation is in your place of residence. Every state and province has their own set of regulations. Check the HSLDA website for your state's regulations (learn them, memorize them, know them backwards and forwards and sideways!) and what you can ask for from your local school/school board. Typically, parents purchase curriculum independent of the school, but there are many programs.

Home educating need not be intimidating, but I can understand that you face some special challenges with your daughter. What you describe raises two possible flags for me -- one, if her mother OD'd, then it's safe to assume that she was using while pregnant with your daughter. Everything you describe as part of your child's personality is often associated with children who are prenatally exposed to drugs or alcohol. Has your daughter ever been diagnosed with anything regarding this? Honestly, I think it would be a good idea to look into this further, and perhaps have her assessed if you haven't already.

Alternatively, if her bio mom was an addict, it's possible that she was attempting to self-medicate a mental illness, and mental illness CAN be genetic. If this is the case, PLEASE get her to a doctor. If she learns that "self medicating" can help her feel better, you'll have more problems than you currently have on your hands.

I do not envy you. Your daughter sounds like a challenge, and your husband does not seem to be supporting you in what you feel would be best for her -- but you need to consider the fact that he has a different perspective, and he may be right that home education is not the answer -- not because you CAN'T, but because some people SHOULDN'T -- be totally honest with yourself before making the decision to proceed. 

If your daughter does have something going on, you should probably consider alternative learning methods, but not just home educating. The goal is to help her become a happy, healthy woman, and whatever gets that done is what is best for her.

Good luck.


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## Jakk (Aug 14, 2008)

Tracy, thank you for your input. 

My daughters bio mom was bipolar and had a lot of abuse in her childhood. She had no clue how to parent. I also forgot to add that she is my husbands biological child from his first marriage. They divorced when she was 5, and her mother took off with her and he didnt see see her for almost 2 yrs. He had no clue where she was until she was evicted from her apartment. At that point she left my daughter with my husband and checked herself into rehab. She died not long after that. 

She did not use drugs while pregnant, the drugs came towards the end of her life in that 2 yr period when she was on the run. My daughter has been tested for bipolar and learning disabilities and she has none. She does have a past with her mother that is unknown, and she is unwilling to talk openly. We do not know if she was sexually abused, but we do know she was neglected and emotionally abused. 

Honestly, my husband has had it with her and has distanced himself from her. When I asked him about spending half an hour twice a week to help with her studies his response was, "NO, I have no time". I dont understand it, this is his daughter and he has given up on her. He says we cannot do this because we are not teachers and we dont have a lab to teach chemistry, or a frog to teach disection. He said colleges are not going to accept a child that has been homeschooled. 

I am in New Jersey, and from what I have found the HS laws are pretty lenient. I only need to inform them that I chose to homeschool. I have only been researching for a few days so I could be wrong. How does a homeschooled child get a high school diploma?


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

A homeschooled child has several options IF THEY WANT OR REQUIRE a high school diploma. They can get a GED (and that does NOT carry the stigma it used to), they can home school under an umbrella school which keeps your records for you and issues a diploma, and in some States (I'm not sure if NJ is one or not), you can register as a private school (very private  ) and issue your OWN diploma. Alternatively, there is virtual school (via the internet), or correspondence.

Home educated kids can also enroll in many universities by sitting an entrance exam, with no formal high school diploma.

And, contrary to what your husband believes, home educated children are being actively sought out by many post-secondary institutions, some of them are even Ivy League schools. Home educated children have blazed a path in recent years, and these schools know that they aren't, typically, the type of student who fritters away their first year (and sometimes their entire university career) on partying and their first taste of freedom. These kids know how to study, generally have been taught to value education, and have a strong sense of who they are and what they want.

I'm NOT saying that this is how your daughter might respond, I'm saying that MANY home educated kids do -- my own included.

As for Chem, Biology, etc., there are some AMAZING science programs out there for these subjects at high school level. Rainbow Science is one, very in-depth, very complete, and Christian-based (and it includes the specimens for the lessons on dissection). Curriculum has come a long way -- and the home education industry is huge. Your husband, unfortunately, sounds like he's bought into the propaganda about it.

Having said that, if he honestly does not want you to do this, you must respect his wishes -- it won't work if you are constantly living in a battlefield where every time something goes wrong (and things go wrong, all the time) he uses it as an excuse to say, "I told you so". You cannot keep that up. 

Again, you MUST sit down and talk to him. Point out that your daughter is ONLY 13, and you, as her parents, must do what you can. You NEED to have a conversation about her future, and get some things decided -- whether that's trying home education, looking for a private school which will better meet her needs, or other alternatives, but he NEEDS to be part of that discussion. 

And, I hate to say this (because I'm sure you know already), but bipolar is genetic, and puberty is about the time when the extremes start showing up. I would really, really, REALLY suggest that you get her to a good child psychologist who can help. Your life is going to be miserable from here on out if you don't.


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## Jakk (Aug 14, 2008)

As of now she does not show signs of being bipolar, but it could show up at any point in her life because its in her genetic background. So is depression. Her mother was treated for depression several times. 

This is all the more reason to homeschool her. I feel that we need to go backwards with her and give her the attention that she craves and is trying to achieve by pushing us away. Honestly, he education is secondary to her metal well being in my book. She is a good student, she learns easily and enjoys learning. I am not worried about her education. 

I had a discussion with my husband last night and then again this morning. I told him I will respect his opinion, but I would like for him to have an INFORMED opinion. I want him to research the issues and talk with people before saying no way. For him to just say NO without knowing what is all about is not acceptable to me. I am the type that will research something to no end, he is not. If he researches and still says no than I will respect his wishes. 

I am going to look up the Rainbow program and send him some links to look at. I understand him wanting her to get a good education, we moved to our township for that very reason. We have a very good public school system here. But I feel her having a diploma will do her no good if she never learns to trust.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

You are very much correct in that, Jakk. 

The program that convinced my DH that we could do this was _The Well Trained Mind_ by Jessie Wise and Susan Wise Bauer. My DH is a product of the British boys' school system -- home education wasn't on the cards.

We've been doing this for ten years now, both boys are doing very well, and have achieved (or are achieving) a first-rate Classical education. You might want to get the book to see if the structure is something that would help your DH understand that "home schooling" doesn't mean "do nothing". This is a very academically intense program which allows children to explore their true potential.

Another book you might want to show him is _Dumbing Us Down_ by John Taylor Gatto. He was an award-winning teacher in the public school system who wrote this book so that the public knew EXACTLY what they were getting into by sending their kids to public school.

I'm not going to encourage you either way -- this is a very personal decision for you and your family, and one that only you can make. Good luck.


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## brody (Feb 19, 2009)

how does the daughter feel in all this?
I think a reasonable answer might be to hoe school for a year and see how it goes

please make sure you give her lots of opportunities to spend time with her peer group - as a high school teacher who gets 2-3 students who have been home schooled until coming to me I really notice about half the kids are great with adults but find peer relations difficult 

in your circumstances if she wanted it too I would be considering the same thing


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## Jakk (Aug 14, 2008)

She says she doesnt care either way, school or homeschool. I will not get a straight/honest answer out of her, regardless of what the topic is. I learn what she likes/dislikes by _doing_. She has a dysfunctional relationship with her father. He was not there to protect her and she resents him for it, but on the other hand she loves him dearly. She will (literally) sit and watch paint dry if it means getting any attention from him. I can spend the entire day having fun and doing things with her and the minute he walks into the room the entire atmosphere changes. She reverts back to the behaviors she has always exhibited. 

I have had to nudge her to join activities at school, cheerleading, chorus, girl scouts etc. She would do NOTHING if I didnt make her sign up for some thing. I have an older son with autism and I know how important social interaction and peer relationships are for kids. I emailed a homeschooling group that has activities and trips twice a month in our area. I am also leaning towards putting her in dance since I know she likes it. She has resisted, but I know if I make her go she will enjoy it. 

My main reason for homeschooling is my 13 yr olds mental/emotional well being. But I will also be homeschooling my 4 yr old daughter and 2.5 yr old Goddaughter (I babysit for her 5 days a week). Up until now I have been a preschool teacher in a Christian preschool. I have decided to teach my younger daughter at home because she has a heart condition that will require surgery this winter. After discussing with her cardiologist we decided the best thing for her is to homeschool. We need to keep her healthy and according to the Dr this will be a VERY bad year for the flu. With her heart condition she is in a high risk category.


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## brody (Feb 19, 2009)

I think you are a wonderful person for taking on all this - I think trying homeschooling for all of them is great - perhaps the older daughter will find she enjoys working with the little ones too


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## halfpint (Jan 24, 2005)

Jakk;
Tracy has given good information. 

Most colleges recognize home school diplomas now, whether issued by the family or by a cover school. Colleges give more credence to what the students score on the SAT or ACT tests. My two oldest boys dual enrolled in a local college while in high school. While my oldest son's college still wanted his high school diploma, my 2nd son's college said that since he transferred credits from a college, they didn't need a high school diploma.

Regarding classes that you may not feel qualified to teach, there are many co-ops out there or teachers willing to teach certain subjects. I know of a private school that allows the teachers to use the classrooms after hours to teach their classes to home school students, and another private school that allows home school students to enroll in a select few classes. I have many friends that 'barter' for classes in areas of math, science, history, english, literature, composition, music, art, finances, drama, speech, debate, cooking, crafts, etc... Sometimes just being able to cook meals or babysit for a family can be used to swap for someone tutoring in a subject. With your situation though, I would not recommend getting involved in a lot of outside activities like that for a year or two as you're trying to develop a relationship with your daughter.

Dawn


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## Danaus29 (Sep 12, 2005)

Or your child can take the state GED test. Both my kids took the GED.


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## Jakk (Aug 14, 2008)

I asked my husband to ask on the message board that he frequents about homeschooling. He was a little hesitant, its a message board for car lovers, but he did. He was very surprised (me to, pleasantly) with all the responses he got. These were from people he has corresponded with for the last 5 yrs, many he has met in person at car meets. 

I told him I will create a weekly schedule for him to look at, as well as let him see the virtual classroom where we will be taking the algebra class. He has agreed to look at it. So that is my goal for the next few days, to create a lesson plan that includes both my 4 yr old DD, 2.5 yr Goddaughter and my 13 yr old. He is afraid she will be sitting around doing nothing while I work with the younger two.

Can someone point me to a good guide for a high school weekly planner?


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

www.donnayoung.org has some good time management and scheduling resources available for free.


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## krvstopp (Aug 18, 2009)

Just my 2cents (FWIW), but I have been homeschooling for 10 years now, and I have 9 children. I will be schooling 7 this year, but 3 of them pretty much homeschool themselves

Homeschooling is more than just "book learning." Homeschooling is about teaching them "how to learn..." Homeschooling is about having respectful attitudes. Homeschooling is about learning to work hard (for us that is taking care of animals, learning to garden, learning how to be frugal, how to clean a house, how to stay organized, etc.) Homeschooling is about loving your brothers and sisters. Homeschooling is about operating as a family unit and helping each other.

Homeschooling is a way of life. We learn all year round and 24/7. 

I used to worry so much about "am I doing it right?" After 10 years I have learned that there is no "right way" or "wrong way" but what way best fits your personality and your child's personality. Some like to be independent, some like a lot of one-on-one. Some like on-line, some like text books.

The first year will be the most difficult.

But relax, and enjoy teaching them!

My favorite part of homeschooling is learning with them, and my least favorite part is sitting through the "learning to read stage" ie the endless hours of listening to them sound out the words letter by letter. But when they learn to read it is a wonderful sense of accomplishment!

I would also HIGHLY recommend getting involved in your local homeschool group. You will find a lot of support and fellowship.

V


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

krvstopp said:


> Homeschooling is more than just "book learning." Homeschooling is about teaching them "how to learn..."



:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap:


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## Merit (Jul 15, 2009)

I am hearing that her education is secondary to you. Her well-being as a HUMAN is primary, and you wish to homeschool her mostly to break through her barrier and get her to BOND with you, the family..humanity. Trust, bond and feel a part of. 

This is wonderful to hear, in my opinion. At 13, this might be your (or anyone's) last chance to 'reach' her. Please let you succeed...

Now what keeps nagging me is this: Your husband has given up on her. She craves his attention, and perhaps doesn't get it. What isn't clicking for me is, if he's given up on her, why does he really _care_ whether you homeschool or not? I'd almost expect him to take on an attitude of, "Eh, who cares. Do whatever you want." instead of fighting you.

So is it possible you haven't uncovered his TRUE objection? The fact that you are not a certified educator with access to all the tools & equipment sound like an easy excuse to me. Perhaps covering up his real, hidden reasons for not wanting to see her homeschooled. I'm wondering if you haven't gotten to the bottom of his real feelings here. 

And uncovering them would help you _immensely_ in your quest to get him on your side with this. I'd like to see you homeschool her. And succeed in your true goal. At 13, I can't help but think this is likely her last chance, emotionally.

Perhaps a simple sales technique for uncovering objections?

"DH, if our not being educators and our not having all the tools and facilities were not a problem, THEN would you feel completely confident that homeschooling was the best thing for her?"

(NO! Even if we WERE educators and we DID have all the lab equipment, we still..x,y, and z)

Drill down on his words. "When you say x, what do you mean by that exactly?" "When you picture y, what do you envision?"

Just don't know that you've gotten to his TRUE objection yet.

It's heartwarming to hear you searching so hard to save this young girl.


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## Jakk (Aug 14, 2008)

I want to thank everyone for your responses. My husband is now on board, and so is my daughter. I had my husband discuss this subject on a message board that he has been a member of for about 5 yrs. He trusts these people, they are like close personal friends. Some he has met in person, others just from online. They were all very encouraging, many homeschooled their children, and some were public school teachers who agreed that the extenuating circumstances really do warrant parent led education for her. 

We had a long discussion with our daughter last night. In the end, we all feel we need to try this not only for her, but for the good of our entire family (there are 6 of us). I have ordered the Switched on Schoolhouse program, and just received the science lab dissection kit. Yesterday we sat in on a virtual classroom and he was able to ask the teacher any questions that were nagging him. Now that my husband sees she will not be sitting in the corner with just a book, or worse.. doing nothing, he is getting more comfortable with this decision. 

Although I am confident that we can do this, I am sure I will be posting for guidance from everyone here.


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## brody (Feb 19, 2009)

good news - thanks for the update


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Congratulations, Jakk -- it's wonderful to see a family united in their decision when it comes to a child's education.

Feel free to ask anything, or better yet, update us regularly on your challenges and successes. Not only might we be able to help, but your experiences may help others who are finding it difficult to make a decision.

Good luck to you -- 

T.


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## Jakk (Aug 14, 2008)

I just got back from unregistering her from the local high school. My stomach has been in knots for the past 2 weeks trying to get DH on board but today I walked out of there feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

We have connected with a local homeschool group and my daughter has already shown an interest in some of the activities at The Franklin Institute. I am signing her up for this today. Its so nice to see her having a say in what she would like to do. Its giving her a feeling of control over her life that she has never had.


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## Elffriend (Mar 2, 2003)

Jakk said:


> We have connected with a local homeschool group and my daughter has already shown an interest in some of the activities at The Franklin Institute. I am signing her up for this today. Its so nice to see her having a say in what she would like to do. Its giving her a feeling of control over her life that she has never had.


The Franklin Institute? In Philadelphia? Are you in PA? Or Southern NJ perhaps? I used to live across the river from Philadelphia in Cherry Hill, NJ. We moved from there to Ontario almost two years ago. If you're in Southern NJ I can highly recommend the WestJerseyHomeschoolers yahoo group. It covers Burlington, Camden and Gloucester counties.


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## Jakk (Aug 14, 2008)

Yes! I am in Marlton NJ and that is the group that I have joined.


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## Elffriend (Mar 2, 2003)

Oh, wow, we were practically neighbors! You're going to like the WestJersey group. Just before we left one of the Moms started having regular meetings for teens. I think she was having them twice/month. One meeting would be girls only and the other would be for both boys and girls. They'd rent movies, play board games, order pizza and on girl only nights do a lot of arts and crafts. Your DD is probably the perfect age to join them. 

You should be getting posts soon about the Not Back to School Picnic they hold every September. That would be a great way of getting to meet a lot of people.


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## Saffron (May 24, 2006)

Congratulations JAKK! May everything work out for your family and especially your daughter.

We are no longer homeschooling as I found a great private school in my area, but my dh's parents live up the road a ways from you. NJ's homeschooling laws are great from what I have seen.

Good luck and have fun with it.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

> Homeschooling is more than just "book learning." Homeschooling is about teaching them "how to learn..."


To be fair, that's how I run my _public school_ classroom, when i have one. And I'm certainly not alone in that philosophy.
Ironically, I got a lot of flack about it from parents. 
They want more mindless worksheets coming home, not a verbal report on the "store" we're running in the classroom.



> I just got back from unregistering her from the local high school. My stomach has been in knots for the past 2 weeks trying to get DH on board but today I walked out of there feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.


That was my experience, too, Jakk. The hard part was done. 
Lesson plans and units and learning objectives were a cakewalk compared to making the actual decision. 
Good luck!


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## Jakk (Aug 14, 2008)

Saffron, NJ has very good laws! I went into the high school with a written note saying I was withdrawing her, and that I was going to homeschool her. They gave me a paper to sign in case I wanted to transfer her records to another school. That was it. Before she brought the paper I waited a good 15 mins for her to come out of a back room. She came out holding a VERY thick book. She was looking up the state homeschool laws. She read it to me and said "Well.. I guess you are all set, there is nothing else required!"


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