# Something I really hadn't had to do before



## thesedays (Feb 25, 2011)

Guess I've lived a sheltered life. Certainly I have had friends and acquaintances in unhealthy relationships, and had a couple of them myself, but today, I decided to check out a former co-worker/Facebook friend's boyfriend, and ZOMG did I ever get an eyeful!

She just got divorced (mutual decision, appears to be amicable, and the 3 kids see him all the time) and has a new boyfriend. Out of curiosity, I typed his name into that county's court records website, only to find that this guy has a lengthy record of criminal and civil infractions, which includes numerous orders of protection issued by multiple women, and those women include two ex-wives with whom he has children he is not allowed to see without supervision. One of the cases is still ongoing.

:stars: :shocked: :runforhills:

I PM'd her on Facebook and told her this, with a link to this website, and she replied, "Thanks. I know."

:smack

IDK what her ex-husband knows, but if he finds out, just for this alone, he has a case for filing for primary, if not sole, custody.

We'll see what happens. I don't want to see her hurt in any way, and definitely not the kids either.


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

Oh my goodness, that IS a tough one. Well, I think you did the right thing by informing her of what you found out about him because although she said she knew about it, it's also possible she didn't really know but told you she did just to save face. You did your duty as a friend and now the ball is in her court and I guess you'll have to leave it at that so that it doesn't come across as interfering. However, don't be surprised if she stops being your friend now that you know the truth about him. I hope she and her children don't have troubles with that man.


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## Evons hubby (Oct 3, 2005)

So the new bf has some negative reviews from ex wives and old gfs... imagine that!!!


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

Do some women believe they can really reform someone with that kind of history? 

I was glad to read this morning on the local website that the sentence of one of our local bad boys was doubled by the judge. In the past, he had a get out of jail free card. 

Personally I think he looks great in orange.


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## SJSFarm (Jun 13, 2012)

A tiger cannot change his stripes. The way I read it was these were not reviews, but a criminal history. Huge difference. 

I personally would let the dad know. Child abuse is horrible and can scar one for life. 

This is something the father must know about his ex wife. They apparently trust each other and since they share custody and feel the children are safe with other party. If he knew the info of what she was exposing their children to, the trust may be irreprobly damaged, but at least the kids are safer. 

This man should know. I hope the kids are old enough to understand a good lie from a bad one (a surprise party for someone vs something that makes them scared)! He needs to have a discussion- a long one - with the ex. A family member can take the kids out so there is no disturbance. The parents need to have a frank and unthreatening discussion about this.

Please take these steps; make sure the info you found matches the man, tell the dad what you found and that your only concern is the kids, tell him to check out the man himself and not to rely on what you tell him, then encourage him to discuss this with the mother of his children. 

IF the man has abused or threatened kids -he can't see his own kids without supervision- or harmed the women in his life IN FRONT OF THE KIDS (in my mind that's a form child abuse), but the mom still chooses to allow the man in her life and with her kids (eventually she will leave the kids alone with him), the dad needs to seriously consider legal actuon to keep the man from his kids.

This may not mean full custody, just that the kids are not in the presence of that man, ever! 

Again- make sure the info is correct! This may be a case of mistaken identity; don't evicorate an innocent man.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

If the woman kmows about bf's past history and continues the relationship, she deserves him.


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## simi-steading (Sep 27, 2012)

Darren said:


> Do some women believe they can really reform someone with that kind of history?
> 
> I was glad to read this morning on the local website that the sentence of one of our local bad boys was doubled by the judge. In the past, he had a get out of jail free card.
> 
> Personally I think he looks great in orange.


What local site would that be Darren? GFP? Just wondering if there's one I don't know about..

If that is the page.. I saw who you are talking about.. don't know that name.. yet... I've learned a lot though... gotta know who to stay away from ya know..


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## Tiempo (May 22, 2008)

Ardie/WI said:


> If the woman kmows about bf's past history and continues the relationship, she deserves him.


Her children don't.


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## Solar Geek (Mar 14, 2014)

SJSfarm is giving great advice. 
If you want to stay out of it but tell the ex, once you have made sure what you found was the correct person and not someone else, you could print out all of the material that you have found, and send it to him in the mail. 

Children can't protect themselves from their mom's or dad's bad acts. While I have never bought into the "it takes a Village", I do think if adults are acting recklessly towards children involved. It will take other good people who find out the truth to protect those kids. 

JMHO.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

It amazes me that some women will risk anything to have a "man" in her life and THAT includes her children. Yet, I've seen it time after time. Then, those women wonder why when the kids grow up all messed up.

Get the info to the father of the children.


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

It's GFP.


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## plowjockey (Aug 18, 2008)

Maybe she likes the drama and excitement, of a _bad boy_, with people making a "fuss", over her.

Seen it time and time again..

Might be tough to get custody of the kids, if the loser is behaving himself, at least for now..


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## edcopp (Oct 9, 2004)

Yvonne's hubby said:


> So the new bf has some negative reviews from ex wives and old gfs... imagine that!!!


Makes one wonder if he has any convictions, or just lots of she said, she heard, and whatever.


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

edcopp said:


> Makes one wonder if he has any convictions, or just lots of she said, she heard, and whatever.


I think the following is probably conviction enough for most people:



> this guy has a lengthy record of criminal and civil infractions, which includes numerous orders of protection issued by multiple women, and those women include two ex-wives with whom he has children he is not allowed to see without supervision. One of the cases is still ongoing.


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## JJ Grandits (Nov 10, 2002)

I mean no disrespect to women. My mother is one and so is my wife. But some women are so incredibly stupid. Over the years I have seen so many young women with everything going for them hook up with complete losers. I have three son-inlaws and I thank God every day that they are good men. This has to be a self esteem problem.


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## thesedays (Feb 25, 2011)

edcopp said:


> Makes one wonder if he has any convictions, or just lots of she said, she heard, and whatever.


Arrests, convictions, etc. and an ongoing delinquent child support case too.


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## edcopp (Oct 9, 2004)

Paumon said:


> I think the following is probably conviction enough for most people:


There is a difference between "due process" and trial by gossip. Conversations seem to just somehow get distorted, even before the internet disclosure. (I heard).:lookout:


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## thesedays (Feb 25, 2011)

One restraining order? That could have been a he said/she said thing, or even something that was her fault. But multiple people over a period of many years? Sorry, when there's smoke, there's fire.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

Make note of these words, because we're going to be hearing them a lot over the next couple of decades: "boyfriend-on-child violence." 

We're currently raising a generation of sons who will grow up as the adored children of doting single mothers. They'll go on to "hook up" with girls who already have kids by previous partners. That-right-there is a recipe for disaster.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

willow_girl said:


> Make note of these words, because we're going to be hearing them a lot over the next couple of decades: "boyfriend-on-child violence."
> 
> We're currently raising a generation of sons who will grow up as the adored children of doting single mothers. They'll go on to "hook up" with girls who already have kids by previous partners. That-right-there is a recipe for disaster.


We are already seeing way too much of that!


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## thesedays (Feb 25, 2011)

willow_girl said:


> Make note of these words, because we're going to be hearing them a lot over the next couple of decades: "boyfriend-on-child violence."
> 
> We're currently raising a generation of sons who will grow up as the adored children of doting single mothers. They'll go on to "hook up" with girls who already have kids by previous partners. That-right-there is a recipe for disaster.


It's nothing new; it's always gone on. In past generations, when young widows were more common, it happened all the time too.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

But getting back to the original issue: Simply criticizing her choice of partner isn't going to get you anywhere. It may even be counterproductive, if it leads to a "circle the wagons" mentality. 

If you want to help, you have to look at the unmet needs this new partner is meeting (or that she hopes he'll meet) and see if some of those issues can be addressed in healthier ways by friends, family, church circle, etc.

The more unmet needs a woman has, the more likely she is to fall victim to the bad boy who says, "Baby, I'm-a take care of you." 

The woman who is financially insecure, who has few adult friends, whose romantic/sexual needs are unfulfilled, and who is overwhelmed by trying to parent alone, is much more vulnerable than the one who has at least some of these needs met in healthy ways.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

Something about this story doesn't add up for me. You checked out the criminal history of the boyfriend of a coworker/Facebook acquaintance and now feel obligated to tell her ex husband? Why did you feel it was necessary to run a background check on him? I also find it suspicious that you found out the amount of info you did from a public website.
There is a lot more to this story than is being disclosed. 


thesedays said:


> Guess I've lived a sheltered life. Certainly I have had friends and acquaintances in unhealthy relationships, and had a couple of them myself, but today, I decided to check out a former co-worker/Facebook friend's boyfriend, and ZOMG did I ever get an eyeful!
> 
> 
> 
> ...






Mean people suck.


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## Solar Geek (Mar 14, 2014)

rkintn said:


> Something about this story doesn't add up for me. You checked out the criminal history of the boyfriend of a coworker/Facebook acquaintance and now feel obligated to tell her ex husband? Why did you feel it was necessary to run a background check on him? I also find it suspicious that you found out the amount of info you did from a public website.
> There is a lot more to this story than is being disclosed.
> 
> 
> ...


Rkintn, this information is available for free in most states. You simply go to the county court website and type in a name. On Facebook most post their birthdays, so you match that up with the multiple names that come up to find the right person on the court website. Then, for free, you read the basic case info. Takes about 15 minutes tops.

Same for the TROs, and any civil or criminal info. In WI, you can search the entire state. 

Warning a parent that an ex-spouse is dating someone with multiple protective orders regarding PRIOR children is not out of line. 

Being hit with both protective orders and restrictive visitation is not undertaken lightly by courts; BOTH parents of these children deserve to know, not just the mom who is dating the guy with criminal record, IMHO.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

Nope, not in my part of TN you can't and I still have my doubts as to how much of that info was free and that readily available.

As for the telling...as far as I can tell from the OP, the OP really had no business looking into the boyfriend's background. There was no indication that there was a reason for the OP to involve themselves in the other person's personal life. I would have never done that to begin with, so the OP has put themselves in a pickle. If it had been the OP's ex and they had been snooping into the background, by all means, do something. It seems a bit of a slippery slope when strangers/acquaintances decide to start investigating people without any reason. A little too Big Brotherish for my taste. If the OP were truly concerned about the "friend", I would think talking to her first (not a Facebook message) about the findings and any concerns the OP had might have been the more appropriate route.


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## FeralFemale (Apr 10, 2006)

rkintn said:


> Something about this story doesn't add up for me. You checked out the criminal history of the boyfriend of a coworker/Facebook acquaintance and now feel obligated to tell her ex husband? Why did you feel it was necessary to run a background check on him? I also find it suspicious that you found out the amount of info you did from a public website.


At work, we used a county court site that provided info on any name and bdate you typed in. We started doing that when we found out the background check company we used didn't inform us (prior to hiring) of two employees who had convictions for violent crimes and for molestation. There was no question about the identities, either. The company simply was taking our money and not doing checks. We stopped using them and hired another firm (bc they had access to national databases we didn't), but still used that website just in case.


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## FeralFemale (Apr 10, 2006)

As to the OP, you are probably going to lose this friend. Not because you did anything wrong in any way shape or form...but because that is how women are. For examle, have you ever told a woman friend her husband/boyfriend is cheating on her? They almost always take their man's side and dump you as a friend. I had this happen to me twice. After the second time, I stopped telling the friend and would tell her man that I knew and that either he stops or I tell. 

That usually would work...except for the time he decided, to save his behind, that I came on to HIM! I still got dumped. Didn't need her as a friend, anyhows.


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## rkintn (Dec 12, 2002)

FeralFemale said:


> At work, we used a county court site that provided info on any name and bdate you typed in. We started doing that when we found out the background check company we used didn't inform us (prior to hiring) of two employees who had convictions for violent crimes and for molestation. There was no question about the identities, either. The company simply was taking our money and not doing checks. We stopped using them and hired another firm (bc they had access to national databases we didn't), but still used that website just in case.


A previous poster gave WI as an example of a state where certain records are available to the public. I found this disclaimer to be interesting after you stated you used a similar site to conduct an investigation for your place of employment:
*Notice to Employers: It may be a violation of state law to discriminate against a job applicant because of an arrest or conviction record. Generally speaking, an employer may refuse to hire an applicant on the basis of a conviction only if the circumstances of the conviction substantially relate to the particular job. For more information, see Wisconsin Statute 111.335 and the Department of Workforce Development's Arrest and Conviction Records under the Law publication.*

I have no idea whether or not you are in WI, but was there a similar disclaimer on the website you used?


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## FeralFemale (Apr 10, 2006)

rkintn said:


> A previous poster gave WI as an example of a state where certain records are available to the public. I found this disclaimer to be interesting after you stated you used a similar site to conduct an investigation for your place of employment:
> *Notice to Employers: It may be a violation of state law to discriminate against a job applicant because of an arrest or conviction record. Generally speaking, an employer may refuse to hire an applicant on the basis of a conviction only if the circumstances of the conviction substantially relate to the particular job. For more information, see Wisconsin Statute 111.335 and the Department of Workforce Development's Arrest and Conviction Records under the Law publication.*
> 
> I have no idea whether or not you are in WI, but was there a similar disclaimer on the website you used?


Yes, but....

We do not hire people convicted of violent crimes because of the danger it poses to our other employees. We also do not hire those convicted of more than one DUI because most employees must operate large mobile equipment.

These men were convicted of several violent crimes, each. The only reason their past came to light was because the two of them were involved in an incident involving threatening physical harm another employee.

Employers should have every right to not hire based on crimal records, when it involves the safety of other employees.

And we do consult with attorneys, btw.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

It doesn't matter why or how you checked out the co workers boy friend. There are children involved, IMO you have a moral responsibility to tell the father. 

I, for one, am really sick of seeing kids hurt or killed by their moms boy friend. There is absolutely no excuse for exposing kids to dangerous people.


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## thequeensblessing (Mar 30, 2003)

willow_girl said:


> But getting back to the original issue: Simply criticizing her choice of partner isn't going to get you anywhere. It may even be counterproductive, if it leads to a "circle the wagons" mentality.
> 
> If you want to help, you have to look at the unmet needs this new partner is meeting (or that she hopes he'll meet) and see if some of those issues can be addressed in healthier ways by friends, family, church circle, etc.
> 
> ...


So very well put. :thumb:


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## thesedays (Feb 25, 2011)

Bumping this zombie thread after coming back to lurk for an unrelated reason.

IDK if she's still with him, but a couple years ago, her ex-husband sued for, and was awarded, primary custody of the children. Not long afterwards, she texted a death threat to him that she claimed was a butt dial :huh: and he got an order of protection against her, and for a short time she couldn't even contact the children. Shortly after that, she posted a meme on Facebook that said, "My kids weren't a mistake, but their father sure was!" 

eep:

I replied, "You might want to delete this post" and she chose instead to unfriend and block me. :yawn:

I looked her up on that website a few days ago, and in the meantime, her ex had filed ANOTHER protection order against her, and she was sent to jail for violating it!  Probably best that she's not in my life, even on a Facebook level. I do know that she was obligated to pay child support and has had difficulty doing so because she's had a hard time keeping a job.


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## Bearfootfarm (Jul 13, 2006)

> I replied, "You might want to delete this post" and she chose instead to unfriend and block me.


At least she makes a few wise decisions.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

Sometimes you need to do what's right regardless of the consequences. 
Usually when I choose right I later find the dreaded consequences to actually be pleasant.


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## thesedays (Feb 25, 2011)

AmericanStand said:


> Sometimes you need to do what's right regardless of the consequences.
> Usually when I choose right I later find the dreaded consequences to actually be pleasant.


There's a reason why it's called "doing the right thing".


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## Steve_S (Feb 25, 2015)

I'm glad the Biological Father got the kids and is raising them as she certainly sounds like she would have raised future Cell Occupier's. It's terribly ironic that the courts are still biased & prejudiced against father's raising their children... Gender has squat to do with the ability to raise children... 

The courts really should consider what is best for the children 1st & foremost and that would be for them to have primary care with the Best & Most Suitable parent while protecting the children's rights to have Fair & Equal access to BOTH parents. Of course unless there is Credible, Tangible & Verifiable evidence that shows the children may be at risk with one of the parents.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

Back to the OP. 
It is important to know the story behind the criminal record. 
What appears to be long history of abuse or sex crime can simply be one woman's vendetta. 
A varied and long criminal history can simply be the work of one cop with a vendetta


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

thesedays said:


> IDK if she's still with him, but a couple years ago, her ex-husband sued for, and was awarded, primary custody of the children. Not long afterwards, she texted a death threat to him that she claimed was a butt dial :huh: and he got an order of protection against her, and for a short time she couldn't even contact the children.
> 
> I do know that she was obligated to pay child support and has had difficulty doing so because she's had a hard time keeping a job.


 Well, you did try to tell her. Sometimes after a divorce - people just want to get into a relationship - and it doesn't matter what kind of person it is, they just want to be "loved" again.

And as many have seen, children fall to the wayside in the new pursuit of a new love.


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## haypoint (Oct 4, 2006)

Generally on these situation the dad is a worthless drunk that can't hold a job and everyone is so sympathetic to the mother of three trying to raise them right. But I think that women that saddle up with these losers knew what he was like, but made babies with him anyway, share the blame equally.

In this situation, sounds like dad hooked up to a drama queen and chose to make babies with the witch. So, to be fair, he shoulders half the blame, too.

Oh, sure, some drunk, crazy, unemployable losers conceal their true selves. But that's rare.


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## thesedays (Feb 25, 2011)

I believe that both of them contributed equally in their own ways to the demise of the marriage, but it's really obvious that she's caused a lot more problems WRT its aftermath.


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## Miss Kay (Mar 31, 2012)

A co-worker of mine met a "nice" guy at the bar, thought he was fun and in time fell in love. Two kids later he was a drunk and was cheating on her so they split. He didn't like spending weekends with the kids so hardly ever saw them and when he did, he said lots of horrible things about mom and granny. The oldest son (about 10) was sad, confused, and asked mom about all the bad things he had heard. She had trouble coming up with a good answer but the worst question of all was, "then why'd you choose him to be my dad".

Bingo! the most important decision you will ever make for your child is who will be their other parent. I hate to hear women or men trash their X when they were the one that chose them. You can make excuses all day but it means you didn't do your homework and find out exactly what you were getting into. Now that you've made your bed, lay in it but by all means protect those innocent children. When parents don't protect the kids and you know such information, you are obligated to speak up to protect them.


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## thesedays (Feb 25, 2011)

Sometimes you don't know, and sometimes you do but you don't want to see it.

I just looked this woman up again, and found out that last fall, she did something to her ex to get her thrown in jail! :facepalm: 

I do remember, as a teenager, asking my mother if women had some kind of contest to see who could find the most worthless man to have their kids with. Not much has changed.


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