# what to do if your pastor snubs you?



## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

For the past few months I have been dealing with a very upsetting problem. The sr pastor at our church has been snubbing me. I started with him "pretending " not to see me when I extended my hand out to shake his after service. Most of the times when this has happened I can brush it off but on Friday he really embarrassed me in a very public setting. We had our homeschool valentines day party at our church. I was in charge of organizing it. I had scheduled the pastor (through his secertary) to come and give a devotional to the kids. He came and I introduced him to the group. After he was done I had the kids give him a round of applause. As he started walking out I caught his eye and motioned for him to come over to me. I wanted to tell him that he could feel free to take some cookies or bars or coffee. Well instead of stopping and talking to me - he walked right past me. It was evident enough what he had done that the lady standing next to me said, "did he just snub you?" I am so embarrassed. I don't know if I have done or said something to offend him or why he is treating me like this. I don't know what I should do - if I should just ignore it or if I should ask he what the problem is or what? This is very hurtful. We didn't go to church today because of it. Next year is my 14 yr old 's last year of confirmation and he will be the teacher. I am worried there is going to be troubles over it.


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## Ozarks Tom (May 27, 2011)

Confront him with his behavior privately. He's obviously got some problems. Not attending services makes him the winner in his Junior High School game.

Being a Pastor doesn't make someone more rational than anyone else. My sister is a Lutheran minister, who didn't go to her own mother's funeral, and hasn't spoken to me in 52 years. There are some strange people in the clergy.


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## clovis (May 13, 2002)

Find a new church, and attend it next Sunday.


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## wwubben (Oct 13, 2004)

Stop in his study and ask him what is going on.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

wwubben said:


> Stop in his study and ask him what is going on.


I would not talk about this alone. Bring your husband along as a witness.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

If I do "confront " him with this so to speak I will be taking my husband. I definately wont go by myself.


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

Sounds like he's afraid you'll sexually assault him. There are women in this world who collect the scalps of male religious-just saying= 

What I would do is probably not what the world would do. I would call his wife, tell her that you had arranged for him to give the invocation for the homeschool group because you are so _pleased and proud _of your church and leadership, but he walked off while you were trying to gift him with his cakes and cookies after. Tell her you have a big ol cake you had made for him and her, (even if you have to do a real quick baking) and where and how would she like it delivered? Also tell her that some of your fellow homeschoolers had asked if he was always rude like that? That lets her know that the church image is losing lustre in the community, that you have actually COOKED for HER (no one is as underappreciated as a pastor's spouse) and that you are not gunning for him for a notch on your bedpost. 

The other thing is maybe he knows your spouse is cheating on you and is afraid to be with you for fear you'll break down and cry??


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

I would confront him with my DH and a recorder, then go to the board of elders, then the voters or the district. I assume that with your son in confirmation you are Lutheran. They have been having some problems with pastors that should not have been in the seminary to begin with. There is no way a pastor should behave like that, but a few will. They seem to get the smaller churches, and people feel they have to put up with them. When the one in our area started acting like a dictator, some of us left and started our own church--others just left. You do not have to put up with bad behavior, even with a pastor.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

Grandmotherbear said:


> Sounds like he's afraid you'll sexually assault him. There are women in this world who collect the scalps of male religious-just saying=
> 
> What I would do is probably not what the world would do. I would call his wife, tell her that you had arranged for him to give the invocation for the homeschool group because you are so _pleased and proud _of your church and leadership, but he walked off while you were trying to gift him with his cakes and cookies after. Tell her you have a big ol cake you had made for him and her, (even if you have to do a real quick baking) and where and how would she like it delivered? Also tell her that some of your fellow homeschoolers had asked if he was always rude like that? That lets her know that the church image is losing lustre in the community, that you have actually COOKED for HER (no one is as underappreciated as a pastor's spouse) and that you are not gunning for him for a notch on your bedpost.
> 
> The other thing is maybe he knows your spouse is cheating on you and is afraid to be with you for fear you'll break down and cry??


His wife can do little to stop him from being a jerk, and she will almost have to side with him. I doubt that you are the only one he is treating like this.


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## Rosepath (Feb 18, 2011)

Before leaving the church, and before telling others about it, make an appointment to go with your husband, and TALK to him. Pastors live in a fishbowl, and are human. If there is a reason for the issue, find out from him. It is biblical (Matthew 18) to go to the person who has offended you FIRST. Give him at least the chance to talk about why this happened. 
There are women who need lots of attention from men, authority figures, and pastors, maybe you inadvertently remind him of someone like that, perhaps it's not you but from previous situations he's over-cautious about being pursued for one-on-one time. Not trying to put this on you, but every situation has two viewpoints, find out what his is.
And I agree, there are people in the clergy who never should have gone there, for whatever reason, they were not called and are not equipped, so it's a lose-lose situation.
Praying for wisdom for you, and hoping it will be resolved in the best way for everyone, especially you and your family.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

Grandmotherbear said:


> Sounds like he's afraid you'll sexually assault him. There are women in this world who collect the scalps of male religious-just saying=
> 
> What I would do is probably not what the world would do. I would call his wife, tell her that you had arranged for him to give the invocation for the homeschool group because you are so _pleased and proud _of your church and leadership, but he walked off while you were trying to gift him with his cakes and cookies after. Tell her you have a big ol cake you had made for him and her, (even if you have to do a real quick baking) and where and how would she like it delivered? Also tell her that some of your fellow homeschoolers had asked if he was always rude like that? That lets her know that the church image is losing lustre in the community, that you have actually COOKED for HER (no one is as underappreciated as a pastor's spouse) and that you are not gunning for him for a notch on your bedpost.
> 
> The other thing is maybe he knows your spouse is cheating on you and is afraid to be with you for fear you'll break down and cry??



Uh....what? 


And where did she say her husband is cheating on her? She said she would be bringing him with her?

How does it even sound like the pastor thinks she is gunning for him for a notch on her bedpost? :stars:

I'm really confused.......


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## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

the church we used to attend was like this. my hubs didn't get the same from preacher man as i did. not once did he stop to help when we were building our house, nor offered to bless it when we moved it. 

one day in church he did ask me how it was going and i'd barely said a few words and he seen someone behind me, started joking around and literally went around me, to continue his jolly joking. no 'excuse me', no nothing polite, just up and ditched. i couldn't believe it. i knew then all those times i felt slighted by him were not just my imagination. 

for us, it was the last straw, as much of the undercurrent there is not good. many others have also found new ways to spend their sundays, as did we. 

i sincerely hope you have better results as i do miss church sometimes. but its sure an ugly situation.


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## chickenmommy (Aug 24, 2004)

Shygal, I do believe that was said in jest. Semi-Sarcastically. Apparently you didn't catch it. I got a smile from it. Simply because of it's lack of probability.


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

I didn't catch it either.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

chickenmommy said:


> Shygal, I do believe that was said in jest. Semi-Sarcastically. Apparently you didn't catch it. I got a smile from it. Simply because of it's lack of probability.



Being that sarcasm is my purpose in life, and I have several degrees in it, no I don't believe it was said in jest, or semi-sarcastically.....so no , I didn't catch it.


Thank you, Alice


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## Guest (Feb 17, 2014)

A very long time ago, I was married to a woman who was irrationally jealous of any other woman who she viewed as better looking, more attractive, happier, friendlier, or more anything else. As a result, my life was always easier if I just totally avoided those women, even though they didn't understand why, and it was not something I could discuss.

Luckily that part of my life is ancient history, ended in 1976, and I'm a whole lot more mature now, with a really intelligent and rational wife.


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## Crikket (Sep 17, 2012)

It may be best to have a witness along with you and your husband, someone who can be impartial and simply be there. Definitely don't let this go, not only for your sake, but because he needs a chance to explain his rude behavior. He has offended one of his own.


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## Brighton (Apr 14, 2013)

chewie said:


> the church we used to attend was like this. my hubs didn't get the same from preacher man as i did. not once did he stop to help when we were building our house, nor offered to bless it when we moved it.


Did you ASK him to bless it?? And we have had a lot of excellent pastors at our church in my lifetime, but none of them offered to come out and help us build our house, why would they they aren't contractors??


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

Preachers are just people. Is it possible he likes you a little too much and is avoiding you so as not to put himself in a tempting situation? Or maybe he is just distracted by some other problem in his life? Did you say anything about him that may have gotten back to him and twisted around? 

Maybe it isn't anything about you at all, but he is just going through a hard time or burn-out...


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## Bologna Budget (Feb 13, 2014)

He is a jerk. Even if he apologizes do you think that you could still worship with a proper spirit and look at him in the pulpit? Problems or not, you don't treat people like that.


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## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

prairiecomforts said:


> For the past few months I have been dealing with a very upsetting problem. The sr pastor at our church has been snubbing me. I started with him "pretending " not to see me when I extended my hand out to shake his after service. Most of the times when this has happened I can brush it off but on Friday he really embarrassed me in a very public setting. We had our homeschool valentines day party at our church. I was in charge of organizing it. I had scheduled the pastor (through his secertary) to come and give a devotional to the kids. He came and I introduced him to the group. After he was done I had the kids give him a round of applause. As he started walking out I caught his eye and motioned for him to come over to me. I wanted to tell him that he could feel free to take some cookies or bars or coffee. Well instead of stopping and talking to me - he walked right past me. It was evident enough what he had done that the lady standing next to me said, "did he just snub you?" I am so embarrassed. I don't know if I have done or said something to offend him or why he is treating me like this. I don't know what I should do - if I should just ignore it or if I should ask he what the problem is or what? This is very hurtful. We didn't go to church today because of it. Next year is my 14 yr old 's last year of confirmation and he will be the teacher. I am worried there is going to be troubles over it.


I'll try to be gentle here. No individual "walks with G*d" more or less than any other. Some listen better, some are too busy, some focus elsewhere. When you hold a pastor or other individual with respect, you do so based on your OWN walk with G*d. The idea that a pastor can "embarrass you" only holds if you think that is possible. He can embarrass himself, or attempt to embarrass if that is his intent, but that is all.

If the situation is as you describe, one or the other of you - or both of you, have some issues to address.

If there is an outside person that you both respect, it might be time to ask for guidance. Otherwise, it is time for direct confrontation.

"It is apparent to me that you have been avoiding me. Please speak plainly - why?"

Listen, do not comment until the day after when your initial reaction has had time to become more considered. You may know what to do then.


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## Suzyq2u (May 17, 2010)

Don't assume he's looking the other way to be nasty. 
Maybe he's working on something personally. 
Maybe he's falling in love with you and can't bring himself to be near you 
Point being - you don't know unless you ask.
Wrong answer, there's somewhere else to tithe to


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## gweny (Feb 10, 2014)

I would bake him a casserole or cookies or something and give it to him explaining that he has been so distant lately that I was concerned. I would mention both situations you brought up here and express how grateful I am for his extraordinary commitment to his congregation. I would finish by asking him if there was anything I could do to help because pastors need support too.

An attitude of gratitude can solve just about anything.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

I can honestly say that there is no attraction on my part and I assume there is no attraction on his part. We are both happily married to your spouses.

My husband and I are both very involved in youth ministries at our church and we have a wonderful relationship with our youth minister and his wife and our childern 's minister and his wife. The sr pastor has always been "chilly "when we have interactions but it wasn't until last fall that he started "snubbing " me at church and other events. I have never talked about this with any one besides my husband. Funny thing is he treats my husband much in the same way.

I decided tonight that I will be calling and setting up an appointment for my husband and I to meet with him early this week.


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

Matthew 18:15-17

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as sa Gentile and a tax collector.

When we have conflict we should first turn to the Bible. Going privately to your pastor may help your relationship. Maybe he doesn't mean to snub you. Speak with him alone. Speaking with your friends instead could be viewed as gossip.

I hope things get better after speaking with him.


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

prairiecomforts said:


> I can honestly say that there is no attraction on my part and I assume there is no attraction on his part. We are both happily married to your spouses.
> 
> My husband and I are both very involved in youth ministries at our church and we have a wonderful relationship with our youth minister and his wife and our childern 's minister and his wife. The sr pastor has always been "chilly "when we have interactions but it wasn't until last fall that he started "snubbing " me at church and other events. I have never talked about this with any one besides my husband. Funny thing is he treats my husband much in the same way.
> 
> I decided tonight that I will be calling and setting up an appointment for my husband and I to meet with him early this week.


It's possible that somebody else might have said something to him about you and your husband that the pastor took the wrong way or misinterpreted in an embarrassing way. Or it's even possible that he's a bit jealous of your excellent relationship with the other two ministers and their wives. Or he could be ill. It could be any one of a number of things that has put a bee under his bonnet.

You and your husband definitely do need to consult and clear the air with him. When you make your appointment don't let him put you off. If he won't meet with you or comes up with excuses for delaying a meeting or brushing you off then you might need to consider asking either the youth minister or children's minister to act as intermediary for you. Perhaps one of them will be willing to join as an impartial third party and mediator in a meeting between you and your husband and the senior pastor.

I wish you good luck with the meeting and a good outcome to it for all concerned.


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## Jennifer L. (May 10, 2002)

gweny said:


> I would bake him a casserole or cookies or something and give it to him explaining that he has been so distant lately that I was concerned. I would mention both situations you brought up here and express how grateful I am for his extraordinary commitment to his congregation. I would finish by asking him if there was anything I could do to help because pastors need support too.
> 
> An attitude of gratitude can solve just about anything.


The LAST thing I would do is kowtow to him! For whatever reason he is snubbing prairiecomforts, he needs to have his leash jerked, not given a treat.

His business is people, and it looks like he's on a little power trip on how he can treat one of his congregation this way with NO explanation to her. Dollars to doughnuts if you go to him even with your DH you get a little run around about how he never did any such thing, and you must have imagined it or misinterpreted something he did.

I'd confront him by taking him by surprise when he doesn't have a chance to prepare, and have a recorder in my pocket. He seems to have singled you out for abuse for no reason and he's not going to say anything about it with others around.


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## where I want to (Oct 28, 2008)

Jennifer L. said:


> The LAST thing I would do is kowtow to him!
> 
> I'd confront him by taking him by surprise when he doesn't have a chance to prepare, and have a recorder in my pocket. He seems to have singled you out for abuse for no reason and he's not going to say anything about it with others around.


Undercover parishioner police????


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## Patchouli (Aug 3, 2011)

wwubben said:


> Stop in his study and ask him what is going on.


Exactly. Scripture says we are to go to the person themselves first and if that doesn't work then take it to others in the church. I think it is inappropriate to bring it to the internet when you haven't even asked him about it.


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## where I want to (Oct 28, 2008)

Patchouli said:


> Exactly. Scripture says we are to go to the person themselves first and if that doesn't work then take it to others in the church. I think it is inappropriate to bring it to the internet when you haven't even asked him about it.


Asking for opinions is rarely inapproriate if you are unsure what to do.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

prairiecomforts said:


> I can honestly say that there is no attraction on my part and I assume there is no attraction on his part. We are both happily married to your spouses.
> 
> My husband and I are both very involved in youth ministries at our church and we have a wonderful relationship with our youth minister and his wife and our childern 's minister and his wife. The sr pastor has always been "chilly "when we have interactions but it wasn't until last fall that he started "snubbing " me at church and other events. I have never talked about this with any one besides my husband. Funny thing is he treats my husband much in the same way.
> 
> I decided tonight that I will be calling and setting up an appointment for my husband and I to meet with him early this week.


Bring in a third person! Basically, to act as a witness. Someone impartial. If he treats your DH somewhat in the same way, there is something fishy going on!


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## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

Brighton said:


> Did you ASK him to bless it?? And we have had a lot of excellent pastors at our church in my lifetime, but none of them offered to come out and help us build our house, why would they they aren't contractors??


i didn't mean he should come do contractor work, but he never stopped in just to be supportive. this is a very small commuinty and everyone else did just that. 

and by then, his blessing wouldn't mean a thing. it's just a general attitude he gives off, but only to those who cannot pad the plate. i'm not the only one who's had this experience with him, and its funny, all the ones he snubs are the ones who can't give a ton of money. the well to do members are the only ones he buddies to. nope, he's a fake and i won't bother with his kind. 

i just was trying to tell the op that it does happen, they are just ppl and if he's being nasty, no reason you have to put yourself in that situation, church or not. i've seen more churches that are simply social clubs, more concerned with the show than the real meaning. esp the ones who claim to be 'christian'. the ones who claim it and bible bash are the ones who later are found out doing the worst offenses! 

if this was anyone else, the hardware store guy or the grocer, what would a person do? ask them what's up or avoid them? i'd just go somewhere else.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Ardie/WI said:


> Bring in a third person! Basically, to act as a witness. Someone impartial. If he treats your DH somewhat in the same way, there is something fishy going on!


I would suggest the Head Elder be the witness.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

My hubby wont he home until late tomorrow night so we are planning on going in on Wednesday morning. We are going to do this in a very non confrontational type way. I just have questions as to why he is treating us in this way. We will see what comes out of it.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

Ardie/WI said:


> I would suggest the Head Elder be the witness.


I thought about asking one of the elders to come with. I am afraid that the pastor would see that as an "attack " on himself and he would get defensive right away. I am in hopes we can talk this out and resolve it.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

where I want to said:


> Asking for opinions is rarely inapproriate if you are unsure what to do.


And this is really the ideal way to do it; not a one of us knows the entities involved, so there's no gossip to be generated.


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## Bret (Oct 3, 2003)

prairiecomforts said:


> My hubby wont he home until pate tomorrow night so we are planning on going in on Wednesday morning. We are going to do this in a very non confrontational type way. I just have questions as to why he is treating us in this why. We will see what comes out of it.


Good work. You will each grow through it.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

Patchouli said:


> Exactly. Scripture says we are to go to the person themselves first and if that doesn't work then take it to others in the church. I think it is inappropriate to bring it to the internet when you haven't even asked him about it.


You are right - it is biblical and I will be talking to him about this. I disagree about on post here being inappropriate. I didn't disclose my church name, location, or the pastor's name. I posted about it here rather than talk to local friends who all know him and the church. I have only talked about this with my husband. I didn't discuss in detail what has been going on with the woman who mentioned his behavior to me on Friday either.


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## Becka03 (Mar 29, 2009)

prairiecomforts said:


> You are right - it is biblical and I will be talking to him about this. I disagree about on post here being inappropriate. I didn't disclose my church name, location, or the pastor's name. I posted about it here rather than talk to local friends who all know him and the church. I have only talked about this with my husband. I didn't discuss in detail what has been going on with the woman who mentioned his behavior to me on Friday either.


Agree with you here Prairiecomforts- you wanted advice- you got it- and you followed thru or will be following thru on Wed- hope it goes well and everything is just a misunderstanding


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## Oggie (May 29, 2003)

Do you have cats?

Sometimes, pastors can smell the evil on you and it scares them.

Then they're ashamed that they are afraid, so they just try to avoid it.

It's a vicious cycle.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

I would take a recorder. My DH went to a former pastor and the pastor not only gossiped about it , he lied about what my DH said. My DH was the head of the board of elders at the time. After that he either recorded any talks with the pastor unless there was a third party there, for the few months we stayed at the church.

Our experience is that when one person is treated badly, others are too, just don't want to say anything because it's the "pastor".


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

Harry Chickpea said:


> I'll try to be gentle here. No individual "walks with G*d" more or less than any other. Some listen better, some are too busy, some focus elsewhere. When you hold a pastor or other individual with respect, you do so based on your OWN walk with G*d. The idea that a pastor can "embarrass you" only holds if you think that is possible. He can embarrass himself, or attempt to embarrass if that is his intent, but that is all.
> 
> If the situation is as you describe, one or the other of you - or both of you, have some issues to address.
> 
> ...


Gentle my foot ound: I would ask him where everyone there could heard me . I told a preacher once that when he saw that GP in the sky if he could misunderstood and the GP meant go plow non go preach . 

Tom which side did you say your sister worked for


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

In the last 15 or so years of his life my late father in law was known as a snubber. He could look right through you and keep going or if you tried to pin him down in conversation he'd sometimes wave both arms and walk off in the other direction. You'd be left standing looking like a fool and wondering why he was so ticked off with you..... until you found out he was totally deaf and had to read lips from the get go of a conversation in order to keep up. Being deaf wasn't something he handled easily and since he was such a proud man, you'd rarely hear the rest of the story from him.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

prairiecomforts said:


> I thought about asking one of the elders to come with. I am afraid that the pastor would see that as an "attack " on himself and he would get defensive right away. I am in hopes we can talk this out and resolve it.


As for the pastor seeing it as an "attack", it won't happen if it is handled well. It can be made clear that the Elder is a witness and that is all. His opinion does not have to be asked for.

I am concerned that, without a witness in place, the pastor can spread inconsistancies. Be careful!


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## gnatgnome (Oct 7, 2002)

Patchouli said:


> Exactly. Scripture says we are to go to the person themselves first and if that doesn't work then take it to others in the church. I think it is inappropriate to bring it to the internet when you haven't even asked him about it.


When one is unsure of what to do they often seek help from others. This is a community where we help each other.


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

I hope you can get this resolved without having to leave the church. The church my family attended for many years had a lay person come in and cause all kinds of issues. The attack by this person was directed at our family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) because they were in business competing with this person. Someone asked grandpa if he was going to leave the church and he said that he was there before this person and he'd be there after that person was gone. Grandpa was right. 

A bad pastor can literally destroy a church. We lost our local church due to a really bad pastor. Nothing illegal, just really poor judgment and talking when he shouldn't have.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

a bad pastor can certainly destroy a church . I've seen it happen a couple times. my sisters church is just now getting some of the people back after losing most of them due to a bad one. he is of course gone and not even a pastor anymore but they are left to pick up the pieces and try to heal. ~Georgia.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

newfieannie said:


> a bad pastor can certainly destroy a church . I've seen it happen a couple times. my sisters church is just now getting some of the people back after losing most of them due to a bad one. he is of course gone and not even a pastor anymore but they are left to pick up the pieces and try to heal. ~Georgia.



Been there. Seen that!


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## Kasota (Nov 25, 2013)

I sounds to me like you would like things to work out and for there to be no difficulties between the two of you. That is a good starting place. 

I would personally not think of "confronting" him with it. I WOULD, however, absolutely ask to have a conversation about it. When people go into a meeting with another person and are already thinking in terms of "confrontation" it often ends up being less that satisfying. It can end up causing more harm that good. 

Sometimes words really build walls...and other time words can be a bridge. I have had the best results when I have used words that leave space for the other person to breathe and come to some sort of solution on their own. 

It also helps to be clear about what you would like, what you hope for from him as your pastor. Sometimes that's a good starting place.


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## Joshie (Dec 8, 2008)

where I want to said:


> Asking for opinions is rarely inapproriate if you are unsure what to do.


It's not Biblically appropriate.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

Asking for opinions is not biblically appropriate? 

Im pretty sure the bible is full of people asking advice on things.....


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## romysbaskets (Aug 29, 2009)

If she was able to ask her Pastor how to approach someone else for this same issue, that would be considered appropriate, would it not? The reason she would ask advice here is to protect the Pastor's name, her church's name and have anonymity. I admire how she presented her problem and also how she intends to address it. To seek knowledge she....well she did what made sense....the asking produced what...answers? What is wrong with that?  I hope she will be able to sort things out...

Prayers and hugs her way!


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## Buffy in Dallas (May 10, 2002)

I would make sure the witness is someone who has actually witnessed his behavior so he can't deny it.


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## m39fan (Apr 11, 2005)

Sorry you are having this issue. As has been said, pastors are people too, with warts and blemishes just like everyone else. He needs to be called on the carpet about being a jerk. As several of the ladies have said, do it in a Biblical fashion- quietly with a witness. It does no one any good to allow it to continue nor would it do anyone good to do it with a big blowup that may damage his, or the church's ministry. You have a wonderful attitude about this and am sure that you folks will do fine. Sometimes we all need a little "adjustment". It's great that you care enough to help him with his. Only one thing that I would add to this, pray for him. At no place did you mention taking this to the Lord in prayer. Having had the Lord swat me upside the head with spiritual 2x4's I can say it DOES get your attention! So, sick God on him, meet with him, involve other clergy. 3 stages depending on his responses.

We'll be praying for you and your husband. You can do this. FWIW, this is from a senior pastor of 26yrs.


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## MichaelZ (May 21, 2013)

For the benefit of the pastor, privately point out to the pastor what you experienced on this. He may deny or sidestep. If so, quietly find a new church. Your spiritual walk is much more than "all about the pastor".


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## WV Farm girl (Nov 26, 2011)

Oggie said:


> Do you have cats?
> 
> Sometimes, pastors can smell the evil on you and it scares them.
> 
> ...





Are you saying cats are EVIL?? You have to be kidding me!


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

prairiecomforts said:


> For the past few months I have been dealing with a very upsetting problem. The sr pastor at our church has been snubbing me. I started with him "pretending " not to see me when I extended my hand out to shake his after service. Most of the times when this has happened I can brush it off but on Friday he really embarrassed me in a very public setting. We had our homeschool valentines day party at our church. I was in charge of organizing it. I had scheduled the pastor (through his secertary) to come and give a devotional to the kids. He came and I introduced him to the group. After he was done I had the kids give him a round of applause. As he started walking out I caught his eye and motioned for him to come over to me. I wanted to tell him that he could feel free to take some cookies or bars or coffee. Well instead of stopping and talking to me - he walked right past me. It was evident enough what he had done that the lady standing next to me said, "did he just snub you?" I am so embarrassed. I don't know if I have done or said something to offend him or why he is treating me like this. I don't know what I should do - if I should just ignore it or if I should ask he what the problem is or what? This is very hurtful. We didn't go to church today because of it. Next year is my 14 yr old 's last year of confirmation and he will be the teacher. I am worried there is going to be troubles over it.


The only way to resolve this is to have your husband, confront him.
If you do not have a husband, then you need a confrontation.
Ask what the problem is, and are you two at a perminate impass or can you 'kiss and make up'.

Then make your decisions from there.

That kind of avoidance is immature and inappropriate.
YOU will have to address this because clearly he will not.

*Proverbs 15:22* Plans fail for lack of *counsel*, but with *many* advisers they succeed.

Pretty sure this Scripture advices us to seek the counsel of many......


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> The only way to resolve this is to have your husband, confront him.
> If you do not have a husband, then you need a confrontation.
> Ask what the problem is, and are you two at a perminate impass or can you 'kiss and make up'.
> 
> ...


The OP said that the pastor has treated HER DH somewhat the same way!

That is why I advised that they have this meeting along with a witness. An Elder.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

Joshie said:


> It's not Biblically appropriate.


To be clear, in Matthew it does indeed lay out how one should proceed in dealing with conflict with fellow believers. 
However, that's to avoid the generation of gossip. Carrying tales to....er..._asking advice_... from parties other than those directly involved will always do that. And gossip is a biggie throughout the Bible. 

But asking on the internet isn't the same thing at all. 
We don't know these people. Don't have a clue. All people can do here is to give suggestions, be a sounding board, or share their own experience. 
Asking in her own community, OTOH, is _not_ appropriate. See above about gossip.


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## notwyse (Feb 16, 2014)

Oh my. In your situation I would not give it a second thought. It is his loss if you offer friendship and he doesn't take it. Perhaps he is busy. Perhaps he is awkward in social situations. Whatever it is it is only your problem if you make it so. I give little thought to those who slight me. I give little thought to those I find narrow minded or prejudiced or mean spirited. It is theirs to answer for...not mine.


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

Molly Mckee said:


> His wife can do little to stop him from being a jerk, and she will almost have to side with him. I doubt that you are the only one he is treating like this.


I was very active in Boy Scouts (and Grandfatherbear wasn't) for about 17 years and I had a few guys be uncomfortable around me (and a LOT of non participating wives be uncomfortable around me) Never a single man or a man with a good marriage. I always addressed myself to the wives, so they would not see me as a threat. It ALWAYS worked. A lot of people who have a spouse who is not totally on board will go ahead and do as much as they can of what they want but hold back on certain things because even tho their spouse is not totally on board they are afraid that certain things will worsen their spouse's attitude. Am I making any sense here???


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

Shygal said:


> Uh....what?
> 
> 
> And where did she say her husband is cheating on her? She said she would be bringing him with her?
> ...


2nd one -Personal experiences- talks with men in caring positions who had women gunning for a notch on the bedpost- so they many times just tried to avoid anyone who seemd to be extra-attracted to them.
1st one- a little attempt at humor- very little it seems now- but, again, personal experience- I was active in a few organizations when I was married to my ex, and got a cold shoulder from members, as well as neighbors. Years later, after a divorce and remarriage, found out my ex was propositioning women right and left around me, and no one wanted to let me know


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

WV Farm girl said:


> Are you saying cats are EVIL?? You have to be kidding me!


Yes, that's Oggie's shtick. Cats are evil. Maybe he knows from personal experience, as he's owned by 2 cats.


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

GFB said I shd also point out I did not getfrom the post that OP was looking to notch her bedpost, nor that OP husband was a problem - I was just throwing ideas out for consideration.


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## Oggie (May 29, 2003)

WV Farm girl said:


> Are you saying cats are EVIL?? You have to be kidding me!



It's a bit more complicated than that.

They are vessels of evil. 

While a drinking glass is not water, you can get quite wet if you don't know how to handle it.

When the modern Bible was formulated, the any mention of domestic cats was not included. I guess that those in charge figured that following a spiritual path was already difficult enough in itself.

Many cats accumulate a lot of evil as a byproduct of stealing people's souls. Evil souls are far weaker than those that are good.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

Grandmotherbear said:


> I was very active in Boy Scouts (and Grandfatherbear wasn't) for about 17 years and I had a few guys be uncomfortable around me (and a LOT of non participating wives be uncomfortable around me) Never a single man or a man with a good marriage. I always addressed myself to the wives, so they would not see me as a threat. It ALWAYS worked. A lot of people who have a spouse who is not totally on board will go ahead and do as much as they can of what they want but hold back on certain things because even tho their spouse is not totally on board they are afraid that certain things will worsen their spouse's attitude. Am I making any sense here???


No, you aren't making sense. People are a pastor's job. If he has a problem with them it needs to be addressed. The pastors wife has little to do with this type of rudeness. She can't change his behavior, and if you go to her rather than her husband, it's wrong on many levels, including the Biblical ones.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

I agree with Molly! The members of the church are his job and he is supposed to be their leader! His wife has nothing to do with his job except to be supportive of him.


To the OP, please keep us updated on the issue. I take it for granted that you and your family do not wish to leave that church, so I hope that it turns out well. Blessings!


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## TRAILRIDER (Apr 16, 2007)

Okay I am not in the loop.

But it seems this may be one reason a lot of people no longer attend church. How do you respect some one who behaves so rudely toward you?


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## Tabitha (Apr 10, 2006)

Exactly, people like that give Christians a bad name.


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## grandma12703 (Jan 13, 2011)

You and your DH go talk to him. I am not saying it has happened but sometimes rumors get started about he said she said. Perhaps he heard something you had said about him (even if you didn't) and either took it wrong or needs to hear that it is not true. Talk is the best way to clear it up. Assumptions can ruin friendships very quickly. Don't let this one become a mountain. As someone said earlier pastors are human. Their feelings get hurt even though they need to pray about it and let it go with forgiveness it sometimes takes a little time. I don't know if this is the case but it is a possibility.


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

A senior pastor should not snub a member of the congregation and you'd think that if he had heard gossip, he would have been adult enough to discuss it before shunning a member of his church.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

I have spent a lot of time in prayer about this situation. I am a little nervous about going and talking to him tomorrow but I know it is the only way things will get resolved. I will update everyone after we get home. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!


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## JoePa (Mar 14, 2013)

I say - don't worry about it - maybe he thinks that you are coming on too strong - I don't know - but it is small potatoes - not a thing to get worked up about - maybe he doesn't care that much for you - I don't know - forget it - 

I think there are a lot of pastors who shouldn't be in the ministry - they don't have the qualities that are needed - the two that are very important is - humility and a servant's heart -


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

If this is a Lutheran pastor, and because her son has another year of confirmation I think it probably is, the pastor has an undergraduate degree and 4 years of seminary. He knows better than to treat people badly, members of his church or otherwise. As others have said, it gives people a bad impression of that church and Christians in general. Not what the pastor is paid to do and not what his training taught either. He needs to have this pointed out. To walk away will just allow him to continue his bad behavior, leaving more problems in his wake.


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## moldy (Mar 5, 2004)

Just a thought - someone else that the pastor trusts may be spreading tales about you and your husband. Some churches have horrible gossips.


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## WV Farm girl (Nov 26, 2011)

Oggie said:


> It's a bit more complicated than that.
> 
> They are vessels of evil.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry but that's just insane and angers me. Sounds like an excuse for hating cats and animal abuse. Lots of animals aren't mentioned in the Bible, doesn't mean they are evil!


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## Oggie (May 29, 2003)

WV Farm girl said:


> I'm sorry but that's just insane and angers me. Sounds like an excuse for hating cats and animal abuse. Lots of animals aren't mentioned in the Bible, doesn't mean they are evil!


If you harm a cat, chances are you're going to spill a whole bunch of the evil.


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## WV Farm girl (Nov 26, 2011)

If you purposely harm a cat, chances are YOU are a whole bunch of Evil. So by your thinking a spiritual person can't own a cat? Lots and lots of spiritual people have shared/share their lives with cats. A cat is never going to try to publicly embarrass or snub you in spite. 

Good luck Op hope you find peace with whatever your decision may be.


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## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

"A cat is never going to try to publicly embarrass or snub you in spite."

Cats not snub people??? LOL! Go ahead, pull the other one.

You have never been on the receiving end of a cat fart, have you?
(Dog farts are worse, but at least they look guilty.)


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

My cat snubbed me many times...call the cat, he looks at me in his very disdainful manner, sits there and licks his paw, slowly stands up, tail waving at the tip and walks in the other direction throwing a casual "up yours" look at me over his shoulder...lol..

I've been snubbed by the best of cats. I guess that is why I like them, they are very much in charge of all around them.


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## unregistered5595 (Mar 3, 2003)

WV Farm girl said:


> A cat is never going to try to publicly embarrass or snub you in spite.


Mine did. I don't think they would make good pastors.


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## Shygal (May 26, 2003)

WV Farm girl said:


> If you purposely harm a cat, chances are YOU are a whole bunch of Evil. So by your thinking a spiritual person can't own a cat? Lots and lots of spiritual people have shared/share their lives with cats. A cat is never going to try to publicly embarrass or snub you in spite.
> 
> Good luck Op hope you find peace with whatever your decision may be.




Um you really don't know Oggie at all, do you.....

Hes JOKING. His thing is that cats are evil, he jokes about it ALL the time, even though he has cats of his own.

Yeesh.........


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## grandma12703 (Jan 13, 2011)

wr said:


> A senior pastor should not snub a member of the congregation and you'd think that if he had heard gossip, he would have been adult enough to discuss it before shunning a member of his church.



You are absolutely correct, however they are human. We have to keep in mind that they are human and they will sin as we all will. I have no idea if that is the reason for what is happening but I think if it is he probably would eventually come to terms and speak with the OP. He may just not know how to approach it yet.

There is another idea. Perhaps he has an overload of things on his plate. Sick folks in his congregation, a family in turmoil, or any number of other things that could make him seem offish when in reality he is just consumed with the thoughts of those who are in need. I know many of us are a bit too sensitive sometimes (not saying OP is). This is just another thing it could possibly be.


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## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

Shygal said:


> Um you really don't know Oggie at all, do you.....
> 
> Hes JOKING. His thing is that cats are evil, he jokes about it ALL the time, even though he has cats of his own.
> 
> Yeesh.........



No, he is very serious.

He once had a cat snub him.


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## shannsmom (Jul 28, 2009)

I am not too sure dog farts are worse, you obviously haven't met our little demon!


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

grandma12703 said:


> You are absolutely correct, however they are human. We have to keep in mind that they are human and they will sin as we all will. I have no idea if that is the reason for what is happening but I think if it is he probably would eventually come to terms and speak with the OP. He may just not know how to approach it yet.
> 
> There is another idea. Perhaps he has an overload of things on his plate. Sick folks in his congregation, a family in turmoil, or any number of other things that could make him seem offish when in reality he is just consumed with the thoughts of those who are in need. I know many of us are a bit too sensitive sometimes (not saying OP is). This is just another thing it could possibly be.


If it had happened once or twice I would be able to say it wasn't intentional but what happened on Friday was just the latest and most embarrassing time that he snubbed me. It is something that has going on for months. Hopefully tomorrow will give me the answers as to why it is happening.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

grandma12703 said:


> You are absolutely correct, however they are human. We have to keep in mind that they are human and they will sin as we all will. I have no idea if that is the reason for what is happening but I think if it is he probably would eventually come to terms and speak with the OP. He may just not know how to approach it yet.
> 
> There is another idea. Perhaps he has an overload of things on his plate. Sick folks in his congregation, a family in turmoil, or any number of other things that could make him seem offish when in reality he is just consumed with the thoughts of those who are in need. I know many of us are a bit too sensitive sometimes (not saying OP is). This is just another thing it could possibly be.


If it had happened once or twice I would be able to say it wasn't intentional but what happened on Friday was just the latest and most embarrassing time that he snubbed me. It is something that has going on for months. Hopefully tomorrow will give me the answers as to why it is happening.


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## Grandmotherbear (May 15, 2002)

Molly Mckee said:


> No, you aren't making sense. People are a pastor's job. If he has a problem with them it needs to be addressed. The pastors wife has little to do with this type of rudeness. She can't change his behavior, and if you go to her rather than her husband, it's wrong on many levels, including the Biblical ones.


Well there are more ways to skin a cat than by buttering it with parsnips. I did say that what I would do is probably not what the rest of the world would do.


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## grandma12703 (Jan 13, 2011)

prairiecomforts said:


> If it had happened once or twice I would be able to say it wasn't intentional but what happened on Friday was just the latest and most embarrassing time that he snubbed me. It is something that has going on for months. Hopefully tomorrow will give me the answers as to why it is happening.


I hope you find answers tomorrow as well. Please don't take my comments wrong....I always try to find explanations for behavior unbecoming anyone. Good luck.


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## DEKE01 (Jul 17, 2013)

soulsurvivor said:


> In the last 15 or so years of his life my late father in law was known as a snubber. He could look right through you and keep going or if you tried to pin him down in conversation he'd sometimes wave both arms and walk off in the other direction. You'd be left standing looking like a fool and wondering why he was so ticked off with you..... until you found out he was totally deaf and had to read lips from the get go of a conversation in order to keep up. Being deaf wasn't something he handled easily and since he was such a proud man, you'd rarely hear the rest of the story from him.


My daughter has the same problem, sometimes people think she has intentionally ignored them. She can hear in a quiet room, but if there is any background noise, like a TV, an echo, or music, she can't hear anything but a blurry noise. If she is walking away from you and you're in a crowd of people, she will never hear you yelling at her. She reads lips in 4 languages, so most folks never realize she's partially deaf.


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## gweny (Feb 10, 2014)

View attachment 23403


Wait, I have proof! Cats are evil!


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## CraterCove (Jan 24, 2011)

WV Farm girl said:


> I'm sorry but that's just insane and angers me. Sounds like an excuse for hating cats and animal abuse. Lots of animals aren't mentioned in the Bible, doesn't mean they are evil!


I'd suggest a deep breath and a step back... I find Oggie's cat talk enlightening. Oggie should be taken with a grain of salt.


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## TRAILRIDER (Apr 16, 2007)

I love my 7 cats....and I love Oggie too. That's just how he goes on : )


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## Liberty'sGirl (Jul 7, 2012)

Jennifer L. said:


> The LAST thing I would do is kowtow to him! For whatever reason he is snubbing prairiecomforts, he needs to have his leash jerked, not given a treat.


That is the quote of the day. I don't know what gets into pastors. Ours has issues, too: he has absolutely NO patience with people, especially someone he perceives as being weaker.


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## ErinP (Aug 23, 2007)

I can honestly say, I've never seen someone take Oggie so seriously... :indif:

Even when he IS being serious, people tend to think he's kidding.


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## JoePa (Mar 14, 2013)

I still say - forget it -


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

ErinP said:


> I can honestly say, I've never seen someone take Oggie so seriously... :indif:
> 
> Even when he IS being serious, people tend to think he's kidding.


I know....I know! That is so funny! Everyone knows that Oggie is, well, being Oggie and nobody takes his "cats are evil" nonsense seriously. It's fun. It's frivolous!


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## homebody (Jan 24, 2005)

I doubt that the pastor will acknowledge anything. Probably will try and say that you are imagining things and shouldn't be so sensitive. He will probably not take any blame for anything but will put it all back on you. If it was me, I'd leave so fast his head would spin, in this case he wouldn't care anyway, maybe that's what he wants. 
I have no tolerance for pastors who are SUPPOSED to be examples to the people.

I was once told by a pastor that he didn't think I would be able to homeschool my son in the higher grades. I took that to mean he thought I was too stupid to homeschool. In hindsight, he was judging me on my southern accent which equalled stupid in his eyes. Did we ever darken his church door again? What do you think?

I do believe this would not have happened if we had evidence of great wealth. He wanted my husband there but not me, not gonna happen.


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## Bologna Budget (Feb 13, 2014)

What happened in the meeting? Did your husband go Leviticus on him?


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## Oggie (May 29, 2003)

WV Farm girl said:


> If you purposely harm a cat, chances are YOU are a whole bunch of Evil. So by your thinking a spiritual person can't own a cat? Lots and lots of spiritual people have shared/share their lives with cats. A cat is never going to try to publicly embarrass or snub you in spite.
> 
> Good luck Op hope you find peace with whatever your decision may be.


I've heard some folks say that if you purposely harm any living creature, chances are that you are a whole bunch of evil. Unfortunately, I know that life is a bit more complicated than that.

And yes, by my thinking, a spiritual person cannot own a cat. Spiritual people are not unique; no one can really own a cat. I can feed it and house it and pretend to be somehow responsible for what it does. But, I cannot really possess it. The best I can do is keep it from possessing me.

And, id I'm going to deal with cats or invite them into my home, I think that a strong spiritual base is essential. Firm footing in what is good is probably the only stance to take when dealing with evil and those that tend to be filled with it. I know that, if I slip and fall, there's a fairly good chance that I'll end up the same as so many of the defeated souls I see in large discount stores who smell vaguely of slightly out-of-date dairy products and wander the aisles looking for cat toys to bring home to their masters.

No, cats don't publicly embarrass or snub in spite. They do it because that is their nature. And no great volume of Internet cat videos, attempting to expose them and shame them into better behavior seems to be doing any good.


Of course, I also hope prairiecomforts finds peace with her situation. I think that the only hope of that happening is to openly and honestly discuss it with those involved: something she already has plans to do. If something is important, it is worth talking about.


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

prairiecomforts - I hope things go well today. Let us know.

As for Oggie, I think he is suggesting if things do not go well today, drop several cats off at your pastor's house. 

One cat has enough evil in it to overtake good, but with several cats, they will certainly overtake him. (Of course, if you have to resort to dropping cats off, then it means things didn't go well - and apparently he is already evil, so adding cats to the mix won't help things at all!)


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## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

I think with all the snow and bad weather we have had, many cats have concentrated their evil.

We have had several pastors who do not have the best personalities. I have wondered if then going into the ministry was a method of avoiding the draft back when we had one. I do think also, that like many farmers and businessmen, they are wished into it by their parents. This happened in our small town with the grocer, the third generation just could not handle it. After many years, he just came unglued. 

Hope you get some answers. I certainly understand your frustrations. As for airing on this board, I think you did the right thing.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

Today has been filled with lots of tears. The bottom line is - our family is now looking for a new church. Apparently I am not a "true Christian" since I have been divorced (for 20 years) and the pastor wants to fill his flock with unblemished people.


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## KCFLY (Sep 19, 2013)

WOW, just wow. I am so sorry.


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## BamaNana (Dec 31, 2004)

prairiecomforts said:


> Today has been filled with lots of tears. The bottom line is - our family is now looking for a new church. Apparently I am not a "true Christian" since I have been divorced (for 20 years) and the pastor wants to fill his flock with unblemished people.


It sounds like HE is not a true Christian!! What a jerk he is... You and all his "flock" will be better off at another church! Who among us are not blemished!!! jeeze!


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## CraterCove (Jan 24, 2011)

prairiecomforts said:


> Today has been filled with lots of tears. The bottom line is - our family is now looking for a new church. Apparently I am not a "true Christian" since I have been divorced (for 20 years) and the pastor wants to fill his flock with unblemished people.


Wow... that is horrible. I thought the whole point of Christianity was that no human is perfect. I am truly sorry you've had to go through this.


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## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

Gift that pastor a cat -preferably one that avoids the litter box.


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## unregistered5595 (Mar 3, 2003)

Unblemished? Oh wow that is so disheartening that someone that believes in forgiveness and compassion and empathy within the Christian church would say something like this to you. I will say a prayer to hold you up.

I'm proud of you for going in and talking with him and listening to him. Do not waste your tears on his unforgiving heart and take joy in your savior. Hugs, ~Feather


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## Ohio dreamer (Apr 6, 2006)

prairiecomforts said:


> Today has been filled with lots of tears. The bottom line is - our family is now looking for a new church. Apparently I am not a "true Christian" since I have been divorced (for 20 years) and the pastor wants to fill his flock with unblemished people.


 Sounds like the pastor needs a new church too....he sounds blemished as well! I'd love to see that church sometime, though.....never seen unblemished people before.

Prayers that you will find a loving congregation SOON!


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## kidsnchix (Oct 2, 2003)

There are No unblemished people....we are all human.


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## grandma12703 (Jan 13, 2011)

I am so sorry. If that is the way he felt then I think God would want you to find another church. I agree 100% with kidsnchix....there are no unblemished people...we are all human. His pews will be empty except for liars and cheats because no one is without sin. We are all blemished and many of us have many blemishes however through the Grace of God we are forgiven. Not through the opinion of man as some would like us to believe. 

I am sorry for being so wrong in my posts. I just feel as a Christian I should always try to think the best of people and unfortunately many times I am proven wrong but I won't give up because only God can judge so I keep on hoping and praying.


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## DEKE01 (Jul 17, 2013)

Ardie/WI said:


> I know....I know! That is so funny! Everyone knows that Oggie is, well, being Oggie and nobody takes his "cats are evil" nonsense seriously. It's fun. It's frivolous!


You have all been fooled. His act is to make you think that he doesn't really think cats are evil when in actuality, Oggie and his cats are out to take over the world.


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## mathchick (Aug 13, 2013)

I just had to pipe in to say I'm so sorry prairiecomforts. He must truly have missed the message of the gospel. It's a shame that such a person is leading others, and absolutely terrible that you have to go through this. Prayers for you and your husband.


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## HTWannabee (Jan 19, 2007)

I am shocked and so sad for your pain. You did right to speak to him and have shown a better Christian example in doing so than he does in snubbing and insulting you. 
I hope you find a new church where the leadership better understands the Gospel. You are a redeemed child of God and what a loss for him that you won't be there as a witness to that grace and forgiveness.


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## Tiempo (May 22, 2008)

What a toad. I hope the whole community hears about this. Hint hint.


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

prairiecomforts said:


> Today has been filled with lots of tears. The bottom line is - our family is now looking for a new church. Apparently I am not a "true Christian" since I have been divorced (for 20 years) and the pastor wants to fill his flock with unblemished people.


I'm so sorry. That pastor is a hypocrite who doesn't deserve to be in his position. If it was me in your shoes I would be making sure that everyone in that church is made aware of the reason for why your family is now looking for a new church. Chances are there are other people in that church that are "blemished" in his sight and are also being snubbed by him.


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## GreenMother (Mar 15, 2013)

Wow prairiecomforts! That pastor just took the Christian out of Christianity. Best of luck in finding a new and loving congregation.


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## Becka03 (Mar 29, 2009)

wow- I am sorry to hear this- I hope that you find peace in another church- 
what denomination is this if you don't mind me asking??


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

That is terrible!! Leaving your church can be like leaving your family.

Does the church constitution say that? It sounds to me like he has decided that it is HIS church, not the peoples'. I would quietly tell the youth pastor and the other pastor that are friends why you are leaving. They may have some advise for you.

If this is a Missouri Synod church he is totally out of line, I believe it is in the other synods as well. You can go quietly away, but I would let the district know what he said. This church is going to have problems in the future, and other people will be hurt.

There are scriptural reasons for a divorce. If yours didn't meet the Biblical reasons, there is this thing called Forgiveness. There is no reason why you can not be an active church member.

At our former church the pastor decided to throw out the constitution, and do what he wanted to do. It was amazing the number of people who didn't want to stand up to him because he was a " pastor." Some of us left and started a new church, most of the people who were members simply faded away.


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## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

He would not want me either. Altho I am a much better person since I divorced the creep.


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## MS Farm Chick (Mar 19, 2011)

prairiecomforts said:


> Today has been filled with lots of tears. The bottom line is - our family is now looking for a new church. Apparently I am not a "true Christian" since I have been divorced (for 20 years) and the pastor wants to fill his flock with unblemished people.


This is RIDICULOUS! Shame on him. Good for you for finding another church.

I wonder if a man that wore sandals would be allowed in his church? If ya know what I mean.


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## pattycake (May 16, 2010)

prariecomforts, I agree that you need to find a new church but something doesn't ring true here. This issue needs to be taken to the church board of directors and the elders. There must be more to the pastor's story.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

The church is Lutheran brethren.

I have read the constitution of the church and surprisingly it says nothing about shunning divorced people. (Insert sarcasm here!)

My children are very upset by the idea of leaving this church but i think they will understand. My 14 yr old ds does not want to go to youth group tonight and we wont make him. I am just glad that I am not scheduled to make supper for the yg kids tonight.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

I think you need to sit down and write a letter to the home church. Pope, Archbishop, whatever the church has at the top. Apologize for intruding into their church. You were unaware that divorced people were not welcome. State that you wished someone had told you this before your family started attending.

This will do one of two things. The church will make it's wishes known more publicly henceforth. Or, that minister is going to get an earful from those who are over his head.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

My husband and I have talked about it and we decided that we wont make a big deal about leaving - we will just leave quietly after next week. The kids have some things with their programming that they want to finish and we want them to. We will have an opportunity within this coming week to talk to the youth pastor and children's pastor and tell them our reasons. What they do with the info is up to them as far as going to the elder board.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

Another upsetting thing is that being divorced isn't something I share with a lot of people. I was married for less than 1 year right after I graduated from high school. It is something that maybe 4 people in the church know about me. I feel it doesn't mean that my (current) and in my eyes my only husband are any less married or effect my walk with God.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

prairiecomforts said:


> Today has been filled with lots of tears. The bottom line is - our family is now looking for a new church. Apparently I am not a "true Christian" since I have been divorced (for 20 years) and the pastor wants to fill his flock with unblemished people.


What a hypocrite he is! Those words will return to him someday and bite him! Christians like him are why we left our church.

I'm so sad for you though and I wish I could hug you. Please be strong and remember that you are a good Christian lady.

I do agree with the person who said to spread the word about what he said and did! In fact, the Synod may wish to hear about this. Go up the line of command.


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## Liberty'sGirl (Jul 7, 2012)

prairiecomforts, I am so sorry the pastor decided to take it upon himself to be judge, jury and Jesus. It was not his position to take.

In day and age shunning someone for divorce is just odd. Blessings in your effort to find a new church family for your family.

I know you don't want to make waves, but this does need to go up the chain of command. Hope you recorded the conversation.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

Did you tell the pastor about your divorce? Or has he been listening to gossip? If he had a problem with the divorce he should have told you when you told him. If he got the information somewhere else, he should have talked to you about it, and explained why he was gossiping. Sounds like he is in the wrong profession.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

It was something I honestly had not discussed with him before so he heard it from someone else. He even confronted me with that too saying that I should have disclosed that to him before volunteering to help with the youth group. I wasn't aware that something that happened so long go would affect me making meals and serving the kids - but that's just me.


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## Annsni (Oct 27, 2006)

prairiecomforts said:


> Today has been filled with lots of tears. The bottom line is - our family is now looking for a new church. Apparently I am not a "true Christian" since I have been divorced (for 20 years) and the pastor wants to fill his flock with unblemished people.



Wow - incredible. Apparently this man has never read his Bible that he is supposed to be teaching. Really??????? Oh man, this has me SOOOOO ticked off. I'm a pastor's wife and I've seen the harm and hurt of divorce but really, we live in a world of sin. Even if it was 100% your fault and you were a heathen of heathens 20 years ago, THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO!!!!! Good gravy!!! I'd love to judge what HE did 20 years ago!!

Wipe the dust off your feet and get out of that ungodly church. Be grateful that God showed you the true stripes of that wolf that they have in the pulpit.

I'm SOOOO angry and hurt for you!!! ((HUGS))


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## Chief Cook (Apr 24, 2011)

prairiecomforts, I am so very sorry that man has done this to you and your family. I hope and pray that you find a wonderful new church home full of loving, understanding people. I wish you could come to our church, all of us are blemished, screwed up people. :happy2:


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Me again! 

I talked with DH about this because he was once the Head Elder at the church we left. I can't post what he said to tell that pastor to do with himself! :happy2:

He said to start with the District Counselor at the Synod! Make an appointment with him and tell him what the pastor said. Did you have a witness? If so, that is more leverage. Also, he said to tell EVERYONE! I can't imagine that you are the only divorced person in that church.


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## Bologna Budget (Feb 13, 2014)

This ol boy needs a physical and spiritual adjustment. Your husband needs to step up and confront him in front of his flock. You will clearly see where you stand with your church bretheran. He needs to be gone, not you!


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## pattycake (May 16, 2010)

How will you explain this to your children?


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## mathchick (Aug 13, 2013)

prairiecomforts - your plan sounds wise. If you have a good relationship with the other pastors, then I would imagine they'll believe you. They can take it into their hands in better ways than you could since they're closer to the "same level" as the pastor.

Everyone makes mistakes whether knowingly or by lack of judgment or just because life isn't predictable. Whether a previous marriage or divorce is a mistake is immaterial to your current "status" w/our creator. I don't blame you for not wanting to make a loud fuss and cause further difficulty for your family over this. Quietly putting the information in the right hands (hands that care about you and the church!), is admirable and seems wise at least to me.

Many prayers for you and your family - I'm sorry you have to go through this!


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## Oggie (May 29, 2003)

Prairiecomforts,

I apologize for the diversion about the nature of cats I made when I thought that the pastor and you had some minor misunderstanding that could be fairly easily worked out. Given the seriousness of the situation, the posts are inappropriate.

I looked into the position of the Lutheran Brethren church and it doesn't seem to be all that cut-and-dried. Downloads of the church's position papers can be downloaded here: http://www.clba.org/what-we-believe

There seems to be an emphasis on weighing each situation on a case-by-case basis.

I hope that your family finds what you need as a home for your spiritual lives, be it with your current church, or somewhere else.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

One more thought, if this "pastor" wants only "unblemished" people in his church, there will be no one there. We are all sinners, including pastors.


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## 65284 (Sep 17, 2003)

PC, I know the disappointment this sort of clerical misbehaviour can bring. We too left our church over a bad situation and know how it is difficult to leave familiar folks and routine and start again. I hope you find a new church that accepts you as you are, where you feel wanted and are happy. 


Oggie, I doubt the OP was offended. But, there are always a few animalcentric folks 
out there that diligently search for something/anything, real or imagined, to get their knickers in a twist over. 

I think most reasonable folks here know your levity was an attempt to lighten the mood a little. Your apology was sincere and very well stated.

Clay


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## Fennick (Apr 16, 2013)

prairiecomforts said:


> My husband and I have talked about it and we decided that we wont make a big deal about leaving - we will just leave quietly after next week. The kids have some things with their programming that they want to finish and we want them to. We will have an opportunity within this coming week to talk to the youth pastor and children's pastor and tell them our reasons. What they do with the info is up to them as far as going to the elder board.


Who do you respect and stand up for the most - the abusive intimidating pastor or the church that you love? 

If you go quietly into the night without speaking out against the abuse then the false pastor will have won and will remain to intimidate and abuse other congregants. 

If you love your church more than the false pastor you have a duty to the church and its congregants to report the gossip and his abuse to his superiors.


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## Brighton (Apr 14, 2013)

prairiecomforts said:


> It was something I honestly had not discussed with him before so he heard it from someone else. He even confronted me with that too saying that I should have disclosed that to him before volunteering to help with the youth group. I wasn't aware that something that happened so long go would affect me making meals and serving the kids - but that's just me.


I wish I could give you a HUG, a huge HUG! 

I am a 30 years divorced woman, never remarried though (my choice) and I have been on mission trips and worked with the youth in our church for years and years, that Pastor is (words I can't use here), I would have told him to shove it and I would let others in the church that could be treated the same know exactly what he said to you, that is HORRIBLE!!!


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## Classof66 (Jul 9, 2011)

My dad was a little like that, altho he was not clergy. He had been a deacon at one time. He would never have snubbed anyone, but he might comment at home. He did comment when someone was appointed as a deacon who years before "had" to get married. My dad has been gone since 94 tho, and a lot of attitudes have changed since then, and certainly before.

By the way, the couple that "had" to get married have been happily married over 50 years now. And...the organists husband owned a tavern!

If we were so picky there would not be anyone in leadership positions. (smokers, social drinkers, divorced, heavy makeup, dyed hair, sinning children or parents, etc.) Its hard enough to get them as it is.


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

Very sorry to hear this, but on the other hand, I wonder why he is so against divorce? How long has this pastor been a pastor at that church? Maybe he is allowing his personal prejudices to override his good sense.

Whatever the reason, I hate it for you and your family. I always thought sinners were supposed to be in Church trying to "get right" with the Lord. You hear my southern Baptist upbringing in that sentence. I left my Baptist Church over a bunch of nonsense like that - and never looked back. Joined the Catholic Church and like it just fine. Especially all the things they do with the youth groups.

I hope you find a church where you are welcomed with open arms and are happy there with your family and new Church family.


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## Jennifer L. (May 10, 2002)

prairiecomforts, the guy is a total jerk and to do that to you is terrible.

However, knowing what you know about the jerk, it's a good thing that you are getting your children away from his influence. 

I respect you for not wanting to make a stink about it, but I do believe that people who attend his church should know about this attitude he's got. He's doing damage to people.

Good luck.


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## shannsmom (Jul 28, 2009)

prairiecomforts, I am so sorry you are going through this. We are not churchgoers, so I can offer no advice, just sympathy for the pain you and your family are experiencing. Hugs to you.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Jennifer L. said:


> prairiecomforts, the guy is a total jerk and to do that to you is terrible.
> 
> However, knowing what you know about the jerk, it's a good thing that you are getting your children away from his influence.
> 
> ...


Yes, the inner decay of his attitude will lead to trouble for that church in the long run. The Elders NEED to hear about this just for that reason and from you!


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

That is awful. So there are no divorced people in the entire church? I would explain very candidly exactly why I was leaving, get it all out in the open and see what happens. Maybe you aren't the one who needs to find a new church...


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

Hi.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

I was raised in the church. My SF (notice I said Step-father) had a Doctorate of Divinity.

Being your minister is his job.
It is a job. With a paycheck.
He is your employee.
He works for the church.

And he is doing a bad job.
He is failing at his job.

He had tons of training in counseling, interpersonal relations etc..
many more classes in that than in scripture.
Apparently he skipped those classes.

You do need to speak to his supervisors.
just like with any employee, if they are harming the business, steps need to be taken.

If he continues in this job he will decimate the congregation. It will disappear and it is very difficult to rebuild. It can take a lifetime.

His supervisors need to know of his behavior.
It is for the good of the entire congregation.
You are not the only one.

Make an appointment with his boss or send an email.
You really must let someone know that he is not deserving of his monthly paycheck.
Just like any other employee.


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## Homesteader (Jul 13, 2002)

Hi Prairie. I want you to know I think of you and your family often. Bad enough to have to live thru your house fire, then this. Wow. Just don't even know what to say about the pastor situation - wow. Just ((((((hugs))))))


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## CraterCove (Jan 24, 2011)

It is my opinion that if you care about that congregation you ought to contact the higher ups in the church and report him. He is a detriment to the church and will cause a lot more harm than simply with you, a long standing member of the congregation.

This is awful.


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## a'ightthen (Mar 17, 2012)

The pastor's view does not seem, to me, to represent *His* view ... move past it. Only one view that matters and the pastor is wrong ... as I see it.


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## Horseyrider (Aug 8, 2010)

Prairiecomforts, I am so sorry that this is happening, and that this man is using an obviously painful time in your life as a stick to hit you with. And not just you, but your husband, and the worst of all, your innocent children-- because when he hurts their mother, he hurts the children. I am dismayed by his lack of compassion and understanding, as well as his inability to accept you for who you are today. 

I don't know what the tenets of your church might be that could support that sort of cruelty, and only you can decide the next best move. But think about this: If you leave quietly, then the church family you most likely love, and the church you considered your home, are left in the stewardship of someone who would scorn good people; and your children are left with a taint of shame they didn't earn and certainly don't deserve. 

Again, I don't know the subtleties of the social rules there, but perhaps it'd be a better message to your children and the others in the congregation to stand up for yourself against what appears to be a judgmental bully. 

I, too, was married and divorced quite young. Since then, I've been married to the same man since 1977. My ex was a batterer. Anyone who would judge me harshly for leaving him has no insight, no empathy, no compassion, and would be completely undeserving of my respect. 

See? It's not really about you or your past. It's about his self-righteous intolerance and intentional cruelty.

I wish I was a part of your church family. I would stand up for you, and let him and others know of his ugliness in using that difficult time in your life to shame you. What a horrible way to represent Christ.


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## where I want to (Oct 28, 2008)

prairiecomforts said:


> Today has been filled with lots of tears. The bottom line is - our family is now looking for a new church. Apparently I am not a "true Christian" since I have been divorced (for 20 years) and the pastor wants to fill his flock with unblemished people.


Well at least you know that it is this man's foolishness and nothing you did. At the very least he must not believe in Christ the Redeemer. And at worst he's a self-righteous prig. Gee what would he do if he found out if some of his parishioners were current engaging in adultery? 
I hope you find a place that is a match for you and your family.


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## Sawmill Jim (Dec 5, 2008)

I'd give a testimony this Sunday that no one would soon forget :hobbyhors

Another one got that GP confused :shrug:


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## sherry in Maine (Nov 22, 2007)

pc, am not a church goer, but I hope you do tell the superiors of the church, or whatever they are called, why you are leaving.
What a shameful thing to do to someone.
He is a jerk; let some of the parishioners know too.


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## bugstabber (May 12, 2002)

You can do better. There are probably a few churches in your area who would love to add a family with kids to their congregation. Best wishes to you!


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## Michael W. Smith (Jun 2, 2002)

prairiecomforts said:


> My husband and I have talked about it and we decided that we wont make a big deal about leaving - we will just leave quietly after next week. The kids have some things with their programming that they want to finish and we want them to. We will have an opportunity within this coming week to talk to the youth pastor and children's pastor and tell them our reasons. What they do with the info is up to them as far as going to the elder board.


I think the above is the correct way to go about it. Just go quietly and when you run into former church members and they ask you "Hey, we missed you in church lately." Just explain the situation. Explain it fully - that you got snubbed, you had a meeting with the preacher, and he informed you that since you were divorced, that was the problem." And then let it go at that.

Do not be mad. Do not use sarcasm. Do not be bitter. Do not gossip. Just state the facts and let it be at that. Be the better person.

I do have to tell you I'm so sorry. I really thought after your meeting, that the whole thing would have been a misunderstanding.

I do have a question to ask though? How long have you been a member or going to that church? How long has he been the pastor there?

I had a somewhat similar (though not quite as severe as yours) with our church pastor. We have gone to the same church for 23 years. In that time, we have had 4 different pastors. (Our church conference has a habit of having a pastor in a church for on average from 5 - 7 years and then they get moved.)

Our first pastor was good. Our 2nd pastor was great. Our 3rd one was a disaster. Our current one is great.

When my Father died, I expected that our pastor would show up at the viewing. I didn't really expect him to be there for the whole viewing or funeral, but just to show up and offer his condolences. He never showed up. And I and my family couldn't believe it.

So I wrote a letter to the District Superintendent who pretty much blew the whole thing off. I then wrote a letter to the Pastor Parish committee and ended up showing up at their meeting to air my grievance. The District Super was there too. When I made mention that not only was I NOT the only person that had happened to, I had also been hearing complaints from members about visitation from the pastor. The pastor had the whole committee including me do a written survey to see where "visitation" fit into the what we as a church thought it should. The pastor I think was shocked to see that visitation was a very important part when all was said and done. But during that meeting, one member really yelled at me, saying how horrible of a person I was.

Would you believe about a year later, that person lost a parent - and the pastor didn't show up for their viewing either. That person was livid and threw a fit. (Hmmmm . . . . interesting.)

Luckily, shortly after that, the conference decided to move our pastor. Sadly, some other church got stuck with him - and even though we complained to the conference that this certain pastor needed some kind of training in this field, it didn't happen.

With us, we knew eventually that pastor would be gone. We were a member of the church and liked it there and the church was our family. We were determined not to let a bad pastor ruin it for us. We knew eventually he would be gone, so we just had to bide our time. We still go there to this day.

Good luck with your new search. God bless.


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## WesleyDS (Feb 16, 2013)

Wow I find it to be absolutely ridiculous that a man who is a pastor could say such a thing! 
Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" We are all blemished. That is the reason that Jesus died on the cross in the first place. 

God loves blemished people! Look at all the examples of blemished people in the Bible.
David, a man after God's own heart, was an adulterer and he had his paramour's husband killed.

Peter was an impetuous hothead that denied Christ.

Rahab was a hooker.

Paul murdered Christians.

I could go on and on but I won't. His attitude needs to be exposed and he needs to repent or be taken from his position. You may be just fine and leave with your faith intact but what about the other people he WILL hurt in the future. They may totally lose faith and blame it all on God and the Church.


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## snowlady (Aug 1, 2011)

I agree that you need to tell the council at your church and others higher up the line. This man should not be leading anyone in faith. He is going against basic Christian principals and just general human courtesy. Let him who is sinless cast the first stone. And, your current actions and church activities were fine with him before he knew, that did not change, only his opinion did. ( Note, HIS OPINION, not ANYTHING else)


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

prairiecomforts said:


> Today has been filled with lots of tears. The bottom line is - our family is now looking for a new church. Apparently I am not a "true Christian" since I have been divorced (for 20 years) and the pastor wants to fill his flock with unblemished people.



Did he say you were not a 'true christian'?
Did he say he wanted an unblemished flock?




prairiecomforts said:


> The church is Lutheran brethren.
> 
> I have read the constitution of the church and surprisingly it says nothing about shunning divorced people. (Insert sarcasm here!)
> 
> My children are very upset by the idea of leaving this church but i think they will understand. My 14 yr old ds does not want to go to youth group tonight and we wont make him. I am just glad that I am not scheduled to make supper for the yg kids tonight.


The only thing wrong with churches is that it's full, of people.
Last time I checked, when we confess with our mouths and believed in our hearts that Jesus IS Lord, we are forgiven, and saved. Period. Done.

If that place is NOT a place where Jesus is exhalted and the Word is explained, and they are following some "man made rules" (IE church constitution......whatever the fart that is.......) then you are in the wrong place.

Just go. There are no 'perfect churches'......but there are Biblically sound churches! Find one of those!


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

I want to thank everyone for their kind words on this subject. This has been a trying day and I am glad it is almost over. Life is funny - totally out of the blue I had a friend call me tonight and invite me to a new bible study at her church. Our family will be visiting their church on Sunday. The more I think about this, it probably wasn't a good fit for our family at this church to begin with when we moved here a year and 3 months ago. I am not sad about the time we spent there - but this shows me that is definitely time to move on. I think things will be better for my family in the long run.


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## prairiecomforts (May 28, 2006)

Oggie said:


> Prairiecomforts,
> 
> I apologize for the diversion about the nature of cats I made when I thought that the pastor and you had some minor misunderstanding that could be fairly easily worked out. Given the seriousness of the situation, the posts are inappropriate.
> 
> ...


 
No apology needed!! I loved reading your comments about the cats! I really loved the comment someone made about giving a cat who avoids the litter box to the pastor. Funny!! No worries at all!


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## Seth (Dec 3, 2012)

You are in a position to possibly prevent this guy from doing this to someone else down the road.


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## Candy (May 12, 2002)

Good morning,
I have been reading this thread with great interest. I do not go to church but to me this pastor is doing the unthinkable . I am also torn how I would handle it if it was me. I tend to act first and think later  I think you have handled this with grace and dignity. 

I think this pastor is out of line, he seems to have forgotten his job to his perish. Shame on him! 



prairiecomforts said:


> totally out of the blue I had a friend call me tonight and invite me to a new bible study at her church.
> 
> I think this was your answer  I hope it works out for you.


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## Melissa (Apr 15, 2002)

Closed by request of the op.


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