# Need some humor here.



## alleyyooper

Two strings walk in to a bar.

The bar owner shouts, "You two get out of here! We don't serve strings in this bar!"

The strings leave but, right outside the door, one of them starts banging his head against the sidewalk and contorting himself in crazy ways.

He walks back in to the bar and the bar owner angrily asks, "Hey! Aren't you one of them strings that just tried to come in here?"

The twisted, banged up string says...

"No, I'm a frayed knot."


 Al


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## alleyyooper

A mushroom walks into a bar and hits on every woman in the place only to be turned down by all of them. He walks to the bar and orders a shot. The bartender says, "tough night with the ladies huh?" The mushroom replies, "yeah, I don't get it. I'm a fungi"



There used to be a bar on the fifth story of a walk-up building.
A young man had been passing it every day for weeks and curiosity finally got the better of him. When he walked in he saw that there was just one other customer, a nerdy looking guy with glasses, and the barman.

"I'll have the house beer, Sam," says the nerdy guy.

He drinks the whole thing in one gulp, runs across the room and jumps
out the window. 

The young man run to the window only to arrive just in time to see the nerdy guy calmly walking back into the building.

A few seconds later the nerdy guy walks up to the bar and says, "Sam, I'll have another house beer."

Just as before the nerdy guy gulps the beer, runs across the room, and out the window, but since the young man is close to the window he watches the nerdy guy perform a triple somersault, land on his feet and walk back into the building.

Now in utter astonishment the young man walks up to the bartender and orders a house beer.

He drinks it in one gulp runs across the room, out the window and SPLAT.

About this time the nerdy guy walks back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and says, "You know you're a real jerk when you're drunk Superman


 Al


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## alleyyooper

Went camping the other week, in the middle of the night the tent disappeared.

I called the insurance company, they said we weren't covered... 





A young man winds up at the Pearly Gates and asks St. Peter for admittance.

"Well, young man, to enter these gates you have to be able to prove that you showed your faith not just through words, but through actions," Peter said. "But when I look at the book of your life I can't find a single good deed."
"What about the time I told a group of bikers to stop harassing an old lady and then I kicked over their bikes" asked the man.
"I don't see that in here," St. Peter said. "When did that happen?"
"About five minutes ago," he replied. "How do you think I got here."

 Al


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## alleyyooper

A man goes to pick up his two sons at his ex-wife's apartment. After being invited in, he sees the ex's new boyfriend sitting on the living room sofa. Since he is in a little bit of a snotty mood, he asks the question: "Tell me, is she still a lousy lover?" The boyfriend looks up, smiles and replies: "Not with a man who knows what he's doing."
And that, my friends, is the first, last and only conversation I ever had with my wife's ex-husband.


 Al


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## alleyyooper

If you live where it snows you know this one.










 Al


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## alleyyooper

Rosin talking to Kare.









 Al


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## alleyyooper

Al


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## alleyyooper

Al


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## alleyyooper

Ok last one My tummy hurts.











 Al


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## po boy

Thanks Al and a late Happy 72nd. Birthday,


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## #1 WV BonBonQueen

OK, I enjoyed them, each and every one of them.
I know, i am a sucker for silly little jokes.
I don't care, they are funny!!! 
Thanks to Alleyyooper, you made me smile, even before Coffee.


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## crehberg

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. 

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?"
Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

 "Up here, we work by results,"


"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."



It ain't right but you laughed, didn't you?


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## Cabin Fever

Two ranch hands walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.

They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the current cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head no.

The cowboy then asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstructed food flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy saunters back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."


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## big rockpile

alleyyooper said:


> Al


Number 1 Yes
Number 2 Don't Everyone
Number 3 They just don't understand and Lock me up
Number 4 They just don't understand
Number 5 my wife is good about telling me
Number 6 1Pm-3PM
Number 7 Beer works
Number 8 They have Gorilla Tape now
Number 9 Just paid the Dryer off
Number 10 Fake it

big rockpile


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## haypoint

I met a guy this morning, " Hi, what have you been up to?" He replied, " I just spent an hour on my wife's grave." Surprised, I asked, " Your wife? When did she die?" He responded, " Oh, she's not dead, she thinks I'm digging a pond."


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## haypoint

A woman walks into a Bar, with a duck under her arm. The Bartender says, " Sorry we don't allow pigs in here." The woman replied, "You stupid fool, that's a duck." The Bartender replied, " I was talking to the duck."


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## haypoint

A Guy is walking down the street. He hears beautiful music. A quick search and discovers it is coming out of a nearby Tavern. He stepped into the Bar and, over in the corner is a tiny little piano, about a foot tall with a tiny guy playing the piano. He walked up to the Bartender, " Wow, he's good. Where did you come up with that?" The Bartender explained, "I got it from a Magic Jeanie. Want to see it?" The guy, excitedly replies, "You have a Magic Jeanie? Wow! Of course I want to see it."

The Bartender takes him into the back and pulls a large brass lamp off the shelf, "Here, just rub on it and make a wish. But be specific."

The Bartender went back to washing glasses and the guy began rubbing, " I wish I had a million bucks, I wish I had a million bucks." Suddenly, the back door of the Bar burst open, webbed feet, duck bills, feathers, Quack, quack quack. The bartender heard the racket and ran back, " What happened!" The guy reported, " Well I wished for a million bucks, but got a million ducks. You said to be specific but you didn't tell me the Jeanie was hard of hearing." The Bartender replied, " What? Did you think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?"


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## [email protected]

a man walks into a bar at noon, just as the doors opened.
the bartender served him a glass of beer about every 20 minutes. this went on until 8 PM when the new bartender came on duty.. the first bartender told the new one what he was doing.. and he said, that man never got off the stool to go to the bathroom, either..
so the second bartender kept the beers coming until 1 AM when he announced that the bar was closing.
the man still had not moved off of his stool.
the man got up, walked out the door and stopped at the top step. zipped open his pants. the bar tender said, You are not going to pee right here, are you ??
the man answered, Oh no, I am going to go waaaaay over there..


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## ladytoysdream

I found this nap sign at a garage sale this summer. I laughed and decided it needed to come home with me.
I still smile when I look at it 
The second sign I have had for awhile now. It makes me smile also


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## emdeengee




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## crehberg

emdeengee said:


>


That lab one is SPOT ON!!!!


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## emdeengee

So is the German Shepherd - at least for our Russell!!


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## [email protected]

a blond and her husband were lying in bed.
Neither could get to sleep because the next door neighbor's dog would not stop barking.
finally she had had it.
she got out of bed and went outside.
in a few minutes she was back. there, that ought to do it..
the husband said , what did you do? I can still hear it..
she said, I moved the dog into OUR yard.
Now let's see how THEY like it..


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## crehberg

The church was holding a wedding seminar, and tnhe preacher asked Luigi, as his 50th wedding anniversary approached, to share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to his audience, "Well, I tried to treat her well and spend money on her. But the best thing I did was take her to Italy for our 20th anniversary." 

The Priest said "Luigi, you are an inspiration to all husbands here today. Please tell the audience what you plan for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Luigi proudly replied "I'm gonna go and get her."


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## [email protected]

the not too bright farmer was talking to his neighbor.
he said, I can't tell my horses apart..
the neighbor said, why don't you measure them?
so he did, and sure enough the white one was 5 inches taller than the black one..


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## D-BOONE




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## D-BOONE




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## IndyDave




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## HermitJohn

alleyyooper said:


> Al


Ah bet some could figure it out. Now this is a little harder:










Of course then put them in that 1960 Peugeot I had with four on the tree.

And if that isnt hard enough, put them in a Model T....


























To check fuel:









To check oil (note many didnt have the sight glass, only the petcock, open petcock and if oil comes out, close it, you have enough oil...)


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## alleyyooper

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday


 Al


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## alleyyooper

Al


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## Evons hubby

D-BOONE said:


>


Ok, who gave the puppy the brownie!?!


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## HDRider

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I
can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2
hours.' The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How
long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a
half.’ The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob , do me a favor
follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!


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## HDRider

A few years back, in a small Texas town, the local madam also operated the local telephone service.

When the police finally arrested her, they found her book of "talent." Each police officer was then assigned to investigate some "girls" from her book.

After a week, the Chief summoned each cop to report his findings.

"Detective Smith, what did you learn about the hookers on your list?"

"Chief, I'm sorry, but I need to disqualify myself," said Smith. "One of the women I interviewed is eighty-four years old and so charming that I have fallen in love with her."

"Dammit, boy!" shouted the Chief. "I'm surprised at you. You've been a cop for 25 years and here you go, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"


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## haypoint

A couple walking back their car after an evening out, are approached by an armed villain. The villain instructs him, " Your money or your life." The man replies, " Did you say wife?"


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## dsmythe

A blind guy is setting in a bar and yells out, "Hey, does anyone want to hear a Blond joke?"
The bartender tells him that he is surrounded by really tough guys who are all blond, one is an Army Ranger, one is a Navy Seal, 2 are Professional Wrestlers, and one in a State Trooper. He asks the blind guy are you sure you want to tell a "Blond Joke" ? The blind guy yells back, Nope, not if I am going to have to explain it 5 times.


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## Cornhusker

A Scotsman moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run," "Run."

The next batter hit a single & the Scotsman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN."

The Scotsman enjoyed the game & began screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "Walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Scotsman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye b*****d, Run!"

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Scotsman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over & explained, "He can't run, he's got four balls."

The Scotsman stood up and screamed, "Walk with Pride, laddie, Walk with Pride!"


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## D-BOONE




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## genebo

Larry says to Harry, "I just got a new Cadillac for my wife."

Harry says to Larry, "You're lucky! I'll bet I couldn't get a used Volkswagen for mine."


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## genebo

My wife has a Mood Ring.

When she's happy, it glows a warm red color.

When she's unhappy, it leaves a mark on my forehead.


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## genebo

Number 1. I told my wife that the breakfast she fixed was terrible and I didn't see her for the rest of the morning.

Number 2. I told my wife I thought our new neighbor was good looking and I didn't see her for the rest of the day.

Number 3. I told my wife I thought she was putting on a little weight and I didn't see her for three days. Then I could see her a little out of one eye ....


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## Shine

A young kid was sitting on the curb with a bottle of some fluid. Every once and a while he would shake it vigorously and watch until the bubbles disappeared.

A local Priest noticed this and thought to sit down and speak with the young man. He sidled up to him and sat beside him on the curb and said "Good day young man, what might you have in that little bottle?"

The young man looked at the Priest and then shook the bottle again and watched the bottle holding it up for the Priest to see.

He then remarked "it's the most poooowwwweeeerrrrrfffuuullll liquid in the world."

The Priest smiled and reflected for a moment and then told the kid "I believe you are mistaken, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in this world. Why, if you put a drop of Holy Water on a pregnant woman's stomach, she will pass a baby."

The kid said "Heck, that's nothing, this here is kerosene, put one drop on a cat's butt and it'll pass a motorcycle."


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## alleyyooper

*A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

########*

*It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"*
*########*


 Al


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## HDRider

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow pasture. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's azz. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?" I said, "Hey this looks like yours hun!"


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## HDRider

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"


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## alleyyooper

*A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. 
They were both just getting finished with their shaves, 
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, 
"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, 
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."*


*##########*



A butcher is in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again.

So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and it reads, "I need 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, he finds the money for the order there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to an intersection. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button for the walk signal. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes, again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again.

There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to an open window, barks several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, yelling at him and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What in the world are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heavens sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Genius, my ***! This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key."

*########*

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store.

After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head, "No."

"Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk.

The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"

*########*


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

*########*

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

*########*

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!!

There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear.

The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life.

Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the son of a ***** who pushed me into the pool!"





*The Maid's Revenge* ~

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Buck, the family dog. 

When asked, "Why?" by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

*You might be a ******* if...*

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.


########


There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. 

The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "Mother of six, are you ready to go?"

Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."

########

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The Musical Director stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River.

 Al


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## [email protected]

a man was walking past a horse hitched to an ice wagon. someone said, sheese, what a lousy job.
the man looked around but there was nobody there.
then the horse said, am I right or am I wrong ??
the man was astonished. he said, does your owner know you can talk ?? the horse repllied , No..
but why don't you tell him ? 
the horse said, oh sure, then besides pulling this wagon, I would have to yell out, Ice, Ice, too..


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## Seven_Cs_Ranch

From my kiddos:

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling crummy 

What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than he other?

Eileen 

*lame Laffy Taffy worthy jokes I know, but still kinda cute


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## Farmerga

Joe staggers home from the bar and passes out in the bed with his wife. About half way through the night, Joe dies and finds himself before St. Peter. St. Peter tells him that he is dead. Joe is horrified. He says "I can't be dead" Is there any way you can send me back? St. Peter said "I can't send you back as a human, but, I can send you back as a chicken." Joe says "Sure, whatever you have to do, I am just not ready to die" POOF, Joe is back on Earth in a barn yard pecking at grain on the ground. Suddenly, Joe feels pressure in his lower abdomen. It hurts a lot and about that time a rooster walks by and joe asks him what is going on. The Rooster ask him, "Haven't you every laid an egg before" Joe says "No". "Well, just let your body do what it is supposed to and it will just happen". Sure enough in a few minutes Joe laid an egg. A sudden and overwhelming maternal feeling engulfed Joe. He had never been so happy. Then, he felt that same pain again. He let it come and sure enough, another egg was soon produced. He was so happy that he could hardly contain himself. He felt the pain again and was all excited about being a mother for the 3rd time when his wife punched him and said "Joe!!, wake up, you've crapped the bed!!".


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## dsmythe

IF ADAM AND EVE HAD BEEN CAJUNS THE WORLD WOULD NOT BE IN THE MESS IT IS IN. they would not have messed with the apple -- they woulda just eaten the snake-----------


----------



## HDRider




----------



## HDRider




----------



## HDRider

There are several cowmen sitting around in the sale barn waiting for the lightweight calves to run through. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the cowboys picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the salebarn?"
H - "Yep."
W - "Great! I am at the mall a couple of miles from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,900.00."
H - "Well, OK, i guess go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $160,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, the horse barn, the vineyard, and the fifty acre lake."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $2.5 million - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $2.3 million. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love u too..."

The cowboy hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


----------



## Evons hubby

HDRider said:


>


A purely hypothetical question!


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Why you never question a drunk.
Overheard from a woman:

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. 
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"




The drunk replied, "’Cause you're *really* *ugly*."


----------



## crehberg

******* College...

A ******* family's only son returns home from college. The father asks, "Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"

The son says, "Pi R squared."

The father yells, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pies are round, cornbread are square."


----------



## dsmythe

A policeman was sitting at the local cafe waiting for his donuts. The waitress sets them down in front of him. He looks at the donuts and looks at the waitress and asks what is this? Those are your donuts you ordered. You said you wanted 2 donuts and "STEP ON IT". "8^) Dsmythe


----------



## HDRider

I will ask you one more time. Where are the elves?


----------



## HDRider




----------



## Bob M.

An old lady's doctor recently retired and she goes in for her checkup with the new young doctor who goes over the prescriptions for her meds. He lists them off one at a time verifying she is still taking them and then come to birth control pills...
"Uhm, it says here Ms smith you have a prescription for birth control pills." He asks with a perplexed look on his face.
"Yes Doctor, they help me sleep at night." she replies.
The doctor perplexed look doen't change, a he replies "Ma'am, I assure you without any doubt there are absolutely no ingredients in birth control pills that helps anyone sleep. there is no reason for you to be having these at all."
The lady gets a matter of fact look on her face and replies to the doctor sort of curtly."Well, I assure you Doctor, every morning I prepare breakfast, and I take one of those birthcontrol pills, put it in a glass of orange juice, hand it to my 16 yr old grand daughter to drink, and that absolutely makes me sleep better at night."


----------



## Bob M.

Judge: “I'd be interested in hearing one good reason why you stole this man's the car?”

Man: “Well,your honor, I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Sorry, but that isn't a reason you like many other people could of taken the bus.”

Man: "Well your honor, I don’t have a driver’s license for a bus."


----------



## Bob M.

For heavens sake will someone tell her.....


----------



## ydderf

Logger Stan is walking around a large tree trying to decide the best direction to fall it. Out of nowhere comes a deep voice "don't cut me I am a talking tree". Stan backs up looks at the tree and replies "well I'm sorry, but you are going to di a logue".


----------



## [email protected]

a man goes out onto the ice and begins to chop a hole.
suddenly there is a booming voice that says,
"there are no fish under that ice"
the man looks around and sees nobody. so he continues chopping.
then the voice booms out again.
"there are no fish under the ice"
the man calls out, Is that you Lord ?
"No, I am the caretaker of the ice rink"


----------



## HDRider

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."


----------



## HDRider

Me and a preacher were seated next to each other on a long flight home. The stewardess brought me a whiskey and politely asked the preacher if he would also like a drink. "I'd rather be hog tied and molested by every stewardess on this plane than to have a drop of alcohol pass my lips!" he responded. I spluttered and spit my third swig back into the glass and then placed back on her tray and said, "me to...I didn't know we had a choice."


----------



## alleyyooper

Michigan fans will like this one.


----------



## alleyyooper

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"


 Al


----------



## alleyyooper

Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. 

The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made. 

The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from an ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town: "*PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."*

 Al


----------



## alleyyooper

Al


----------



## Shine

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "...pretty sure I've been married to your sister for nigh over 50 years."


----------



## [email protected]

a mid to elderly man was jogging along a country road off in the deep grass.
suddenly his top denture popped out of his mouth.
a man riding a bicycle saw the old guy on his hands and knees and stopped to help.
2nd man: what are you looking for ?
1st man: My upper plate.
2nd man: I have a spare set, try them on.
1st man: they fit perfectly, thanks, what are you an
orthodontist ?
2nd man: Oh no, I am a mortician ..


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## dsmythe

*JOKE OF THE DAY - Christmas Surprise*
*A man in Dallas calls his son, Joe, in Los Angeles the day before Christmas Eve and says,“Son, I hate to ruin your day, but I have some bad news. Your mother and I are filing for divorce; forty-five years of misery is enough.”*

*"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.*

*“We can't stand the sight of each other one more day. We're sick of each other and tomorrow we're signing the divorce papers, so you call your sister in Detroit and tell her.” *

*Shaking, the son calls his sister and tells her about their parents plans to divorce. *

*She screams into the phone, “Like hell they're filing for divorce. I'll take care of this!” *

*She calls her father and screams at him,“Dad, you and mom are NOT getting a divorce. Don't sign anything until Joe and I get there tomorrow. We'll be there in time for lunch. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?”*

*The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "It's handled. They'll be here tomorrow for Christmas lunch, and they're both paying their own way home."*


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## crehberg

From an old Caregiver Connection pamphlet:

"One night a state cop saw a car riding along at 22 miles per hour. He put on his lights and pulled the car over. He approached the window and saw that there were 5 old ladies in the car that looked shocked and pale.

The old lady who was driving said “Officer, I don't get why you pulled me over. I was going the speed limit exactly. What is the issue?”

He said “Ma'am you were not going over the speed limit, however driving under the limit is dangerous too.”

The lady responded, “I disagree sir. I was going 22 mph, the exact speed limit.”

The officer laughed and said “22 is not the speed limit, it is the route number.” Feeling embarrassed she thanked the police officer.

He stopped and said “Before I let you go, is everyone ok? The other ladies seem a bit unsettled.” The lady responded and said “Oh they will be fine in a minute. We just got off of route 119.”


----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## Darren

A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied, and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party."


----------



## goodatit

Darren said:


> A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
> 
> She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
> 
> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
> 
> She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
> 
> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
> 
> "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
> 
> The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
> 
> "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
> 
> "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied, and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
> 
> The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party."


good one


----------



## HDRider




----------



## Meinecke

A Man sits in traffic...its a full shutdown of the interstate toward the capitol in DC...and while he is waiting, he sees a police man walking between the cars...knocking on all windows and talking to the passengers...
After a while the cop also shows up on his window and as a good citizen he opens the window and asks the cop what all the fuzz is about...
And the Cop replies if he did not hear about the hostage situation that is going on?
They took the president hostage and so we had to close all streets...and they want 100 million or they spill gas over him and burn him...
The man in the car is pretty surprised about what he hears and the dedication of the police officer knocking on all cars windows...so he decided to ask the police man another question about how much the average in the traffic jam is willing to give upon that subject...
And the police man replies...its about 1-2 gallon per car in average...


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Meinecke said:


> asks the cop what all the fuzz is about...


I see what you did there.
(I just don't know if it was intentional or Freudian)


----------



## [email protected]

true story: My brother was pulled over for DWI.
he was standing on the side of the road and the police man told him to put his arms out to his side and then with his left finger, touch his nose. 
all was going well until bro started doing the hokey pokey.. that earned him a free night's lodging..


----------



## crehberg

A trooper pulled a car over flying down the interstate, well above the speed limit. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to do a show for the circus; he didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said that if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my tail to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."


----------



## IndyDave

HDRider said:


>


----------



## dsmythe

I was in a bar the other night and I overheard three rather hefty ladies talking. Their accent sounded to be Scottish.

So, I approached and asked them, “Hello, ladies. Are you three lassies from Scotland”?

“It’s Wales, you idiot, it’s Wales, “ one of them screeched.

So, I said, “I’m sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?”

And that’s the last thing I remember.
Dsmythe


----------



## alleyyooper

:


----------



## dsmythe

My wife saw me standing on the scales and I was holding my stomach in. She told me that holding it is won't help. I said, "yes it will it is the only way I can see the scales" Dsmythe


----------



## alleyyooper

Al


----------



## alleyyooper

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"



********************************************************

*Important Legal Terminology*

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. 

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney


**********************************************************


*A Silent Bomb in Church*

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"
The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

***********************************************************
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."













New*Christmas in Detroit.* 











***********************************************************
*The following are actual signs found on church property.*

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives" 
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)! 
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

 Al


----------



## alleyyooper

Al


----------



## alleyyooper

Al


----------



## alleyyooper

wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I gave her the super glue by mistake.
Its been 2 weeks now and she still isn't talking to me.


 Al


----------



## HDRider

The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


----------



## ydderf

I first heard this from an Aussie who titled himself "the chairman of the bored".

Martha and Stan were unable to have children so Martha's mothering instincts turned towards injured/orphaned animals.

One particularly trying day Stan arrived home with a sigh. Opening the door the first sight to greet Stan was a puppy chewing on one of Stan's favourite slippers. After closing the door Stan walked further into the house there on the back of Stan's favourite chair was a crow with a bandaged wing, judging from the amount of bird crap on Stan's chair the crow had been there for a while.

That was it, Stan was ready to blow up, as he headed into the kitchen he was hollering for Martha. There she was on her knees in front of the stove with the oven door open and a small bird wrapped in a cotton towel in her hands. Turning her head to look at Stan she said "shhh Stanley not in front of the chilled Wren"

Read more: http://pawfiction.proboards.com/thread/913/clean#ixzz5bEX9eboo


----------



## ydderf

> Text to phone:
>
> Hi Fred this is Richard, next Door. I’ve got a
>
> Confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt
>
> For a few months and have been trying to get
>
> Up the courage to tell you face to face.
>
> At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live 
>
> with myself a minute longer without you knowing
>
> about this. The truth is that when you’re not around 
>
> I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.
>
> In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been
>
> getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse.
>
> The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt
>
> and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
>
> Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you
>
> Regards Richard
>
> 
>
> Neighbour’s Response:
>
> 
>
> Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun
>
> and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured
>
> himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
>
> Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second
>
> Text from Richard…..
>
> 
>
> Second text message:
>
> 
>
> Hi Fred,
>
> Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text,
>
> I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned 
>
> Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh?
>
> It’ll be the death of us all.
>
> Regards Richard 
>


----------



## Oregon1986

these gave me a great chuckle


----------



## [email protected]

did you hear about the handy man who got the vaseline and window putty mixed up ?
all of his windows fell out..


----------



## ydderf

I write with my left hand. Thus my right hand is left right out when I write.


----------



## Cabin Fever

Ole, Lena, and Sven were hiking home through the woods after a long day of icefishing. It was getting dark and nothing in the woods looked quite right. It had snowed during the day and their trail back to the cabin was covered with deep snow. As the sun set, they realized they were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and the temperature was dropping fast. 

It was winter, the snow was deep, and their situation was looking very bleak. In desperation, Ole said, "Vell, looks like we should settle in and make a fire. Da mercury is likely to drop to turdy below tonight!"

As Ole dug a fire pit into the snow, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out. The genie says, "I am da great yeenie of Nordern Minne-snow-da and I can grant each of you vun vish." 

Ole says, "I vish I vas back at da cabin in front of the fireplace." Poof, Ole was gone. 

Sven quickly says, "I vish I vas back on at da cabin wit Ole." Poof, Sven was gone. 

Lena was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "Lena, vat is your vish?" and Lean says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Sven were back here with me"..... Poof!


----------



## dsmythe

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free hair cut And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


----------



## crehberg

dsmythe said:


> One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
> asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
> from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
> The florist was pleased and left the shop.
> When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
> 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
> Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
> the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
> community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
> The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
> you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
> Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to
> pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
> you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress
> was very happy and left the shop.
> The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
> Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free hair cut And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
> the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


(((Clapping)))

((Thumbs up))


----------



## ydderf

My wife bought herself a new Bra as a Christmas gift. There is no way she would want me to purchase anything other then sports Bra's for her. 
I just noticed the packaging so stood next to her with my phone no internet. I guess wireless means something different to Bra manufacturers then it does to most of the rest of us.


----------



## haypoint

Do you know the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

Well, a Hippo is really heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.


----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama

HermitJohn said:


> Ah bet some could figure it out. Now this is a little harder:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Of course then put them in that 1960 Peugeot I had with four on the tree.
> 
> And if that isnt hard enough, put them in a Model T....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> To check fuel:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> To check oil (note many didnt have the sight glass, only the petcock, open petcock and if oil comes out, close it, you have enough oil...)


HAHA! T he 12' ruler is exactly how I used to guage the gas level in my 8N!


----------



## dsmythe

A West Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on Rt19 about 2 miles south of Summersville, West Virginia. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Charlotte to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Kentucky got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test


----------



## ydderf

When Donald Trump is giving a speech and someone in the audience throws a rotten egg at him do the secret service personnel yell "DONALD, DUCK"?


----------



## ydderf

Why is it dangerous to drive a VW in Africa?
Because of the trunk in the front!!
You are open to sexual assault from an elephant.


----------



## dsmythe

One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year things were different, however.

“The children came over in person to thank me,” the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed. “What do you think caused the change in behavior?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the grandmother replied. “This year I didn’t sign the checks.”


----------



## dsmythe

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”

“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”

“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband. “A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”

“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.

“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “I knew you wouldn’t get it right!! Where’s the toast??”


----------



## dsmythe

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.


----------



## dsmythe

A priest is repairing a fence surrounding his parish. He notices a small boy is standing nearby for a long time. The priest finally asks him, “Do you want to speak with me, my son?”

“Oh, no. I’m just waiting.”
“Well, waiting for what?” came the priest’s reply.
“Waiting to hear what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer."


----------



## IndyDave

A prosecutor asks an elderly grandmother on the witness stand, "Do you know me?"

"Yes, I do. I have known you since you were a child. You lie and dwindle. You cheat on your wife. You steal from the fine money you collect, and you aren't intelligent enough to realize that you are an insignificant paper-pusher, not the important person you think you are."

The shocked prosecutor then pointed at the defense attorney and asked, "Do you know him?"

"Yes, I have also known him since he was a child. He is a drunk, he has cheated on his wife with a number of women including your wife, he would steal from his own mother, and is a scoundrel in general."

At that point, the judge calls both lawyers to the bench and says softly, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I am sending both of you to the electric chair."


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## IndyDave

How do you end up with a small fortune from farming?








Start with a large fortune!


----------



## IndyDave

What do honest politicians have in common with UFOs?

You hear about them, but you never see one!


----------



## haypoint

As the plane neared the airport, it suddenly lost altitude. It was so abrupt, the stewardess's breasts flipped out of her bra. It was a case of in descent exposure.


----------



## haypoint

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench across from a house. 

They watch as two people go into the house, and then a little later, three people walk out.

The physicist says, "The initial measurement was incorrect."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

And the mathematician says, "If exactly one person enters that house, it will be empty..."


----------



## haypoint

A drunk guy slid off the bar stool, walked over to a woman and tried to run his hand up her dress. She immediately slapped him. He said, " Sorry, I thought you were my wife." She responded, "You worthless good for nothing drunk!" The drunk replied, " Gee, you even sound like her."


----------



## haypoint

I really love my 19th century gold pocket watch. On his death bed, my Jewish grandfather sold it to me.


----------



## haypoint

I just hired a 500 pound Administrative Assistant. She's a really big help.


----------



## emdeengee

Cute and funny. I love big dogs - Newfoundlands are incredible - and when they are puppies they are so adorable. But Dachshunds are also the best! I never knew what a Racing Doxie was. 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxLrtCQx-p8


----------



## Evons hubby

haypoint said:


> As the plane neared the airport, it suddenly lost altitude. It was so abrupt, the stewardess's breasts flipped out of her bra. It was a case of in descent exposure.


Why am I never on these flights?!


----------



## genebo

Riding in to town with his neighbor, New England farmer #1 asks, "What did you give your calf when she had the bloat?"

Coming back from town that day, New England farmer #2 replies, "Gave her a pint of kerosene."

Next week, riding in to town, New England farmer #1 says, "Gave my calf a pint of kerosene. Killed her dead."

Coming back from town, New England farmer #2 says, "Killed mine, too."


----------



## poppy

A boy asked his dad what was the difference between theory and reality. The dad said "Go ask your mother if she would have sex with a strange man for a million dollars". The boy walked off and came back and said, "She said yes". The dad said "Now go ask your sister the same question". The boy walked off and came back and said "She said yes too". The dad said "Now see son, in theory we are sitting on 2 million dollars but in reality we are just living with 2 whores".


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## [email protected]

IDK if this is a repeat, but if it is, don't stop me 
cause I want to hear it again.

why do navy seals sit on the edge of the raft with their backs to the water.. then grab their face mask and fall backwards into the water ??

because if they fell frontwards they would still be in the raft..


----------



## haypoint




----------



## tiffanysgallery




----------



## HDRider

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.


----------



## ydderf

Bought the little woman a mood ring for Christmas.we found that when she was happy that the stone was blue.
I found out today that when she is angry the stone leaves a red mark in the center of my forehead.


----------



## dsmythe

*Just Pull the Tooth –*


A man and his wife entered the dentist’s office. The wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want any gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth.”


“You must be a very brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth, dear, and show the dentist which tooth it is.”
Dsmythe


----------



## [email protected]

charlie's wife saw a parrot in a pet shop.
when she inquired about it, the shop owner said that is was very tame, but it grew up in a brothel.
charlie's wife bought it anyway..
the parrot was put in it's cage in the spare bedroom.
it looked around and said, awk, new room, new madam..
when charlie's three college aged daughters came into the room the parrot said, awk, new girls.
while the girls and their mom were giggling about this, charlie came into the room,
the parrot said, awk, hi charlie ..


----------



## dsmythe

Do you know why married women tend to be a little heavier that single women?

A single woman comes home at night,looks at what's in the refrigerator and goes to bed.

A married woman comes home at night,looks at what's in the bed and goes to the refrigerator.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

" I bought a new Dodge 3500 Ram Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. It’ll run on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.

Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.

Nelson’, the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’

‘Willie!’ he continued, and ‘On The Road Again came from the speakers.

Then he said, ‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant ‘Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, Beethoven’, I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, Beatles’, I’d get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, some old lady ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her.

I yelled, ‘You Crazy *W*itch!’ 



Immediately the radio responded with: 

Now, Ladies and gentlemen, The Democratic Leader and speaker of the House ….Nancy Pelosi.

Damn, I love this truck. "


----------



## ydderf

Bantam rooster laying on his back as a vulture circles overhead. The farmer comes in for dinner and notices the rooster in the yard asks his wife what is going on. She replies he has not left any of the hens alone this afternoon constantly chasing one or another. The farmer says I'm going out to check on him be right back. When he approaches the Bantam it hops up and stalks away muttering to himself "it was just about to land"


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## wr

Apparently, humour is subjective. First cleanup.


----------



## [email protected]

I have a funny idea, why don't you PM each other when you don't like something and spare the rest of us ??


----------



## haypoint

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.


----------



## Shine

wr said:


> Apparently, humour is subjective. First cleanup.


Jest a note from the person that stopped reporting anyone, I think you missed post 142, I thought this was about good, clean humor and not saying hurtful things about others just fer a chuckle... I got a post deleted when it showed the racist in the joke for what they were, a stupid, closed minded person - that got removed and no one even told me why...


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

wr said:


> Apparently, humour is subjective. First cleanup.


I said "*W*itch"


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Shine

What do you say to a one legged hitch hiker"

Hop In!!

Did you see the bulletin on the news about the one legged bank robber?

The news anchor stated that he escaped on foot.

What do you call a girl born on a hill?

Ilene

What if she's Japanese?

Irene

Paraplegic in the pool? Bob ...on the wall? Art ...at the front door? Matt What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he's not coming anyways...

What do you call a paraplegic at the beach? Sandy ...that sits too close to the campfire? Bernie

Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Shine said:


> Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?


Why don't they make cat flavored dog food?


----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama

LOL!


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint

I was visiting friends in the south. I had a guy come up to me and show me his dog. It was awful. It was missing its hind legs. I didn't know what to say. So, I blurted out, " Hey, what's his name?" He looked back at me like I was stupid, " His name's Lt. Dan, of course."


----------



## IndyDave

Do you know what you get when you put tires on a castrated pig?

A wheelbarrow.


----------



## [email protected]

we had a terrible accident on the interstate recently.
a semi truck side swiped a car on the driver's side.
the impact ripped off the guy's left ear, left arm an left leg.. the doctors said he is all right now..


----------



## Shine

There was a guy who started building all kinds of buildings from whatever materials that he could find when he was a kid. As he grew up he got better and better at building all kinds of buildings. After making a fortune he got to where he would bet people that he could order the exact amount of materials and won bet after bet when challenged.

He was a bit of a butt head and made some enemies along the way, one of them being a young engineer. On the day where another building was going to come to completion and another "bet" was going to be culminated, he packed a brick in his backpack and snuck into the construction site and went all the way up to the roof, looked around, no one there, he put the brick, the same kind that the builder ordered for this building, on the ground right next to the wall that was built using those bricks.

Here came the people, the young engineer hid to watch, the builder turned the corner with his entourage and spied the brick on the ground. He walked up to in and looked to see if it might had fallen out of place, with a look of consternation at not seeing where the brick might have fit in to his building, he stooped real low and heaved the brick just as high as he could. Everyone was astonished when the brick never came back down.

The builder, with a look of accomplishment, looked at the people and said " see, perfect."


----------



## Shine

Then there was this young man getting on an airplane to go on Vacation. He found his seat and in the center seat was a parrot in a cage, an older lady was in the window seat. He took his seat on the aisle and all was good, after take off and when they got to altitude, the no smokeing light went out and the young man stoked up a cigar. [dated joke] Well, that parrot would have none of it, he cursed that young man in two or three different languages, screeching and whistling to high heaven, the passengers all were bothered and asked the man to put the cigar out and the woman to quiet the parrot. The young man looked to the woman and said, I'll toss this cigar out the window if you'll do the same with the parrot. She thought for a moment and then agreed, out went the cigar and the parrot. 

The young man and the older woman sat together and struck up a lively conversation and became good friends. He suggested dinner and she agreed as they were disembarking the airplane, down the ladder they both heard a loud squawk, they looked over on the wing and there sat the parrot, you'll never believe what he had in his mouth...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A brick.


----------



## crehberg

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. 

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"


----------



## nehimama

The roof console in my truck fell down yesterday and it was as shocked as I was.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## tiffanysgallery




----------



## [email protected]

nehimama, will your underwear fit on your horse ?


----------



## Nimrod

Did you hear that the governors mansion in West Virginia burned down? It was an awful conflagration. It's a good thing the fire department responded as quickly as it did. Why, it almost took the rest of the trailer park with it.


----------



## nehimama

[email protected] said:


> nehimama, will your underwear fit on your horse ?


LOL! I never saw that coming!

A better way to word it would've been, "If you're my neighbor, sooner or later you're going to see me in my underwear, chasing my horse."

Disclaimer: I did not create this meme.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


> LOL! I never saw that coming!


(Tell him it's a mini horse)


----------



## Nimrod

Throw the cow over the fence some hay.

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/groucho_marx_128462


----------



## whiterock

So a guy was running around on his wife. She found out about it and told him to decide which one he wanted because he couldn't have his Kate and Edith too.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

Man went into a sewing center and bought 4 dozen zippers. As he was paying for them the clerk asked what he was going to do with all the zippers.
His response was "I've been invited to go to Montana to go fly fishing by my boss".


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Shine

The person who produced this will go far in Marketing.


----------



## [email protected]

it is really cold here tonight. I let the dog out to do his
duty and when he didn't come back in right away 
like he usually does, I went out and kicked him loose from the fence post..


----------



## nehimama

Sorry I've been so cranky. It's just that I'm in my terrible 60s now.


----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


> Sorry I've been so cranky. It's just that I'm in my terrible 60s now.


No worries, we've earned the right!


----------



## ydderf

The professor was telling his early morning class, “I’ve found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air, and then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds and a cup of green tea and finish with a cold shower. Then I feel rosy all over.”

A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, “Tell us more about Rosy.”


----------



## ydderf

Son - “Dad - I want to get into organized crime when I grow up”

Father - “That’s nice son - Private or Government?”


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

An elderly couple met at the Nursing Home and formed a bit of a relationship. Each evening, they would go out on the front porch, sit together on the couch. He'd loosen his belt and she'd put her hand into his pants. They'd watch the sun set.

After many weeks, he announced that he wouldn't be sitting with her any more. He said he'd be sitting with Edna. She was miffed, " What's Edna got that I don't?" He replied, " Parkinson's."


----------



## haypoint




----------



## AmericanStand

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Why am I never on these flights?!


You dont fly with me......


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint

some won't get this. that makes me laugh.


----------



## [email protected]

haypoint said:


> some won't get this. that makes me laugh.
> View attachment 73592


crash diet ??


----------



## [email protected]

Doda was a lumberjack. one day a tree fell on him.
now his foreman was perplexed. he had to go tell 
Doda's wife the bad news. As he walked along he
tried several ways to break the bad news. 
finally he was knocking on the door and Doda's wife opened the door.
the best thing he could think of was,
guess who died in the woods today, Doda, Doda..


----------



## po boy

Borrowed from 5 Acre Living on FB https://www.facebook.com/groups/1673575419594464/

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


----------



## nehimama




----------



## catsboy

Marine in Afghanistan yells at the Taliban over the ridge "10 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 10 fighters all get killed. Marine yells "100 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 100 fighters, are all are killed. Marine yells "1000 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 1000 fighters. 999 are killed and one gets away, comes back to the leader and says" its a trap, there are 2 Marines over there.


----------



## po boy

catsboy said:


> Marine in Afghanistan yells at the Taliban over the ridge "10 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 10 fighters all get killed. Marine yells "100 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 100 fighters, are all are killed. Marine yells "1000 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 1000 fighters. 999 are killed and one gets away, comes back to the leader and says" its a trap, there are 2 Marines over there.


----------



## SLFarmMI

[email protected] said:


> crash diet ??


No. I will give you a clue. The cakes are Ding Dongs.

And I hate @haypoint at this moment because now I am craving Ding Dongs.


----------



## IndyDave

SLFarmMI said:


> No. I will give you a clue. The cakes are Ding Dongs.
> 
> And I hate @haypoint at this moment because now I am craving Ding Dongs.


Never mind the ding dongs, I want the slippers.


----------



## SLFarmMI

IndyDave said:


> Never mind the ding dongs, I want the slippers.


You’re out of luck. Dorothy has those and she won’t share.


----------



## haypoint

While driving down the road, a guy notices a farmhouse and barn. Beside the barn, he sees a man having sex with one of the sheep. Shocked, he pulled into the driveway and pounded on the farmhouse door. A teenaged boy answered the door. The guy announced, " There's a man in the barnyard having sex with one of the sheep!" The boy replied, " Oh, that's all right. Its just my Daaaaaaaaaaaaaad."


----------



## haypoint

View attachment 73644
View attachment 73646
View attachment 73648


----------



## popscott

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."


----------



## popscott




----------



## [email protected]

A True Fisherman:

Hi Andy, I have a problem. for awhile I suspected my wife was cheating on me.
All the signs are there. goes out with "the girls" a lot.
phone rings and I answer it and the caller hangs up.
So last night I hid behind my boat.
at about midnight she came home and got out of someone's car. buttoning her blouse. then she took her panties out of her purse and put them on.
that's when I noticed a crack in the lower unit on the boat motor.. is that something I can weld or do I have to replace the whole thing ?


----------



## Evons hubby

[email protected] said:


> A True Fisherman:
> 
> Hi Andy, I have a problem. for awhile I suspected my wife was cheating on me.
> All the signs are there. goes out with "the girls" a lot.
> phone rings and I answer it and the caller hangs up.
> So last night I hid behind my boat.
> at about midnight she came home and got out of someone's car. buttoning her blouse. then she took her panties out of her purse and put them on.
> that's when I noticed a crack in the lower unit on the boat motor.. is that something I can weld or do I have to replace the whole thing ?


I'd replace the whole thing, you want it to be dependable.


----------



## dsmythe

IndyDave said:


> Never mind the ding dongs, I want the slippers.


Ding Dong the Witch is DEAD? Dsmythe


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## [email protected]

dsmythe said:


> Ding Dong the Witch is DEAD? Dsmythe


that works for me..


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## [email protected]

In Alaska,
the day after Mr Smith's wife disappeared after a kayaking accident,
two state troopers appeared at his door.
they said, sir, we have some bad, good, and really good news.
Mr Smith asked for the bad news first.
the trooper said, we dragged the bay waters and pulled your wife up..
tearfully Mr Smith said, what's the good news ?
when we pulled her up she had a dozen 20 pound King Crabs attached to her.. and we feel you should be included in the catch..
so what's the really good news, then ? asked Smith
the officer said,
we are going to pull her up again tomorrow.


----------



## ydderf

A termite saunters into the lobby of a hotel. He asks where's the Bar tender?


----------



## ydderf

need to self check spelling


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## [email protected]

a man went to visit his grandparents on the farm.
Grandpa was sitting in his rocking chair on the porch.
the man said: Grandpa!! what are you doing ?
you don't have any pants on. nothing from the waist down !!
the old man just stared across the field, no other response.
the man said again, Grandpa, you have nothing on from the waist down . what gives ?
finally the old man looked at his grandson and said: last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.
This is Grandma's idea.


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## IndyDave

View attachment 73782


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Oregon1986

ydderf said:


>


omg i just about died,love it


----------



## ydderf

I was at the gym last night and asked one of the women about her new years resolution she responded "f--- you".
I'm really looking forward to 2019.


----------



## ydderf

I opened my bedroom curtains very early this morning and to my astonishment saw a fox having a fight with a hedgehog.

The hedgehog won on points.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

View attachment 73870


Boys on one side girls on the other?


----------



## whiterock

gender bias. boys against girls. male vs. female.


----------



## D-BOONE

*Comes a time* when a woman just has to trust her husband... A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. 

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. 

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. 
"Hi Darling", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom...Did you say,'hello'?"


----------



## D-BOONE

*No dictionary has been able to adequately explain* the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner. 

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. 

Here is his astute answer: 

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"


----------



## Oregon1986




----------



## Oregon1986

D-BOONE said:


> *Comes a time* when a woman just has to trust her husband... A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
> 
> From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
> 
> As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
> "Hi Darling", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom...Did you say,'hello'?"


oh that made me chuckle!!


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Oregon1986




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

Man who works every day has an unbearable urge to go bear hunting. Finally he decides to skip church to go hunting. Walking on a mountain trail he meets a Grizzly who roars and startles our hunter. The hunter slips and rolls down the mountain breaking bones and losing his rifle. After landing against a tree he looks to see the bear coming. he begins to pray "lord save me from this bear if you save me I promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life. Looking he sees the bear still coming again he prays " lord if you save me not only will I attend church every Sunday I promise to never beat my wife or children". Looking the bear is still coming again he prays "Lord I know the bear is one of your creatures I don't want you to harm this bear I only ask that you turn him into a good Christian bear"










As the bear arrives in front of the hunter he stands on his rear legs folds his front paws in front of his chest and begins "lord bless this meal we are about to receive"


----------



## D-BOONE

*IT WAS SO COLD TODAY

Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker 
Richard Simmons started wearing pants! 
The dogs were wearing cats! 
When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream! 
The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle. 
Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick! 
*


----------



## HDRider

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."


----------



## tiffanysgallery

D-BOONE said:


> *IT WAS SO COLD TODAY
> 
> Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker
> Richard Simmons started wearing pants!
> The dogs were wearing cats!
> When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
> The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.
> Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick! *


It was so cold today... Wal-Mart asked customers to wear two sets of pajamas.


----------



## haypoint

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I'm not a nice man. I got out of prison a month ago. I was sent there for stealing cars.

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a professional!"


----------



## nehimama

I LAUGHED OUT LOUD!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Shine

Wow... the Far Side was real....


----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## nehimama

*"The kids are out back" LOL!*


----------



## Nimrod

The pastor gets up Sunday morning and it's a beautiful day. He decides to call in sick and play golf instead of giving the service that morning. Jesus and Saint Peter are sitting up in heaven watching. Saint Peter says to Jesus, "You are not going to let him get away with this, are you?", Jesus says, "no". So the pastor plays a round of golf and it's the best possible, a hole in one on every hole. Saint Peter says, "I thought you were going to punish him for skipping church but instead he played the best round of his life". Jesus said, "Yes, but who can he tell?".


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

I am taking water pills. 
Last night I had to go pee three times.
Only problem was; I got out of bed only twice..


----------



## [email protected]

recently, at a wedding reception, the band leader called out. All of you married men go stand next to the one person who makes your life worth living..
the bartender was almost crushed to death..


----------



## whiterock

Highway patrolman chases down a man on the highway after a long high speed chase. Asks the driver why he wouldn't stop. Driver says his wife ran away with a Highway Patrolman and he thought he was bringing her back.


----------



## IndyDave

There was a busload of lawyers on the way to a convention. They were running late, so in spite of the twisting rural highway, the driver was driving as dad as he could, ran into an unanticipated sharp curve, and ran off the road. A while later, a patrolman stops and sees nothing but an old farmer on a tractor leveling dirt. 

The patrolman approaches the farmer and says, "We received a report that a busload of lawyers crashed here. Do you know anything about it?"

The farmer replied,"Yes, that bus wrecked here, but its taken care of. I got them all buried."

The patrolman replied, "You mean they were ALL dead?"

The farmer said, "Some of them said they weren't, but you know how those lawyers lie."


----------



## ydderf

A blonde all kited out ,cowboy boots,vest,stetson,denim jeans siting tall in the saddle ready to enjoy their first ride. First they start to slip to the right and recover but over compensate and lean way left when the Wall Mart manager rushes over and unplugs the horse.


----------



## nehimama

View attachment 74162


----------



## nehimama




----------



## IndyDave

There is an explorer deep in cannibal territory who stops at a lunch stand. The menu is as follows:

Missionary................$5.00
Trader........................$6.50
Explorer......................$7.50
Politician.....................$49.95

He asked the cook why the politician was so expensive. The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one of those things?"


----------



## dsmythe

*Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today I got*

*a call from Home Depot, who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and*

*I still hadn't paid for them.*



*Helloooo......... Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. So, I told*

*him what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would pay for themselves in a year -- It's*

*been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.*


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Evons hubby

ydderf said:


>


That's when you know it's time to park the ponies and find the coffee pot!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint

Can you come up with a caption?


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## IndyDave

haypoint said:


> View attachment 74282


You reminded me of a story.

A friend of my grandma's was driving in the country with a friend who had always lived in town. An animal ran across the road. The friend asked what it was and Diana told her it was a possum. The friend then said, "That can't be a possum. Possums are flat."


----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama

"Have you found Jesus?" always cracks me up.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## jerry arnold

alleyyooper said:


> If you live where it snows you know this one.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Al


i don't...but i do get it...


----------



## jerry arnold

alleyyooper said:


> Al


here in houston a dude got shot by the car thief because his car was a stick shift; and the thief couldn't get away


----------



## jerry arnold

crehberg said:


> A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
> 
> Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
> 
> Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
> 
> The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
> 
> Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
> 
> The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."
> 
> Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
> 
> "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
> Why, How can this be?"
> Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,
> 
> "Up here, we work by results,"
> 
> 
> "While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."
> 
> 
> 
> It ain't right but you laughed, didn't you?


why is wrong? lmao


----------



## jerry arnold

nehimama said:


> View attachment 74292


my favorite kid...i love this boy


----------



## haypoint

A guy walking down the sidewalk, next to a tall solid wooden fence. As he's walking along, he hears children on the other side, chanting, "Nine, nine, nine." His curiosity got the best of him. So, he looked through a knot hole in the fence. Instantly, someone poked him in the eye, as the children chanted, "Ten, ten, ten,"


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Bearfootfarm

True story.

In the Summer of 1910 the newly established US Park Rangers were working on the parks in the Northern Rockies. There were groups of "camp followers" who would tag along, since there were lots of men working in these remote areas.

One of the park workers sent a telegram to his supervisor that said:
"There are two undesirable prostitutes setting up camp on Forest Service land. *What should I do?*".

The reply from Washington:
"Find two that are desirable".

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/burn/


----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
> > became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
> > and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known
> > as the lesser of two weevils.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


> View attachment 74348


There's nothing like the thrill of living on the edge.


----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


> There's nothing like the thrill of living on the edge.


Yep, one foot on the edge of your coffin, the other on a banana peel!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Clem

The pope died and went to heaven. Although St Peter was standing there, he didn't even acknowledge the pope, so the pope started clearing his throat.
St Peter told him "Please be quiet! We're expecting someone very important" And the pope started smiling, because, after all, he was the one they were expecting! A few minutes later, God himself walked down to the pearly gates, along with a host of saints and angels, all dressed up, and peering down the path, waiting. The pope's heart began to swell with pride, as, surely all this was about him!! Just as he started to introduce himself, the crowd began to cheer, and through the gate walked a former congressman from South Carolina. God himself draped a gold robe over the senator's shoulder, hugged him and said "Welcome, my son" After that the crowd began to break up, and God noticed the pope, and nodded, then went on back up top. The pope told Saint Peter, "I don't get it, I'm the pope!! And that guy is just some one term senator from a small state!!"

St Peter said "There are a lot of popes up here, but this is our first politician ever!!"


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## ydderf

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


----------



## ydderf

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these reoccurring dreams First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam.
"It's driving me crazy! What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents"


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## IndyDave

There was an elderly woman upset about her husband, well, not meeting her needs, so she decided to get creative. As he was getting ready for bed, she put on tights and a cape and ran through the bedroom door and yelled "Sup-er Sex!" The old man looked up and said, "I think I'll have the soup."


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


> View attachment 74454


Pretty sure his cousin is the knot head that designed the impossible to open bottles for arthritis meds!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama

haypoint said:


> View attachment 74482


I laughed out loud! Got any extra keyboards lying around?


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama

haypoint said:


> View attachment 74500


Loud laugh here! The cat with the towel - LOL!


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## IndyDave




----------



## ydderf




----------



## whiterock




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Pretty sure his cousin is the knot head that designed the impossible to open bottles for arthritis meds!


probably related to the mental giant who put a
flip top on a tomato soup can..


----------



## ydderf

If poli comes from the Greek meaning many. Ticks are blood sucking insects.
what do we get when we combine Poli and tic into one word?


----------



## Falfrenzy

[email protected] said:


> probably related to the mental giant who put a
> flip top on a tomato soup can..


Is a flip top the same thing as a pull-tab can?


----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## poppy

A preacher in a small town either rode a bicycle or walked around to visit church members and run errands and left the car home for his wife. One morning he went out and his bicycle was gone. He went to the police station to report it stolen and the police chief told him that since he had the biggest church in town it was likely whoever stole it went to his church. He advised him to preach on the Ten Commandments Sunday and when he got to "Thou Shall Not Steal" to hit on it real hard and whoever stole his bike would get a guilty conscience and return it. The next week the Chief saw the preacher riding his bike He stopped and asked him if he tried what he suggested. "Yep" replied the preacher. The chief said "Did it work?". The preacher said, "Well, I started through the Ten Commandments and when I got to "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery" I remembered where I left my bicycle".


----------



## Nimrod

Jesus and Saint Peter decide to come down to earth and play a round of golf. Saint Peter suggests they carry their own clubs since it's good exercise. Jesus says nope, Arnold Palmer always has a caddy so they get caddys. They come up to the first tee and Saint Peter says he reckons Jesus should use a driver off the tee but Jesus says Arnold Palmer would use a 3 wood so he does. They go on duffing their way through the course and the following foursome catch up. Jesus hits his next shot into a water hazard. Saint Peter says he should take the drop and the penalty but Jesus says Arnold Palmer would plat it where it lies so he goes walking off on the water. One of the following golfers exclaims to Saint Peter, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?". Saint Peter says no, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer.


----------



## D-BOONE

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."


----------



## D-BOONE

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


----------



## D-BOONE

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


----------



## Evons hubby

D-BOONE said:


> A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


Proper paperwork can make all the difference! Good one!


----------



## D-BOONE

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


----------



## IndyDave

It's a bad sign when you get passed by polar bears headed south!


----------



## D-BOONE

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”


----------



## nehimama




----------



## tiffanysgallery




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama

haypoint said:


> View attachment 74642


LOL! Too funny!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


> View attachment 74650


I like this!


----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama

Little did people know, but Jesus was a bit of prankster...


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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## tiffanysgallery

nehimama said:


> View attachment 74668


 3,000


----------



## [email protected]

a woman was talking to another one.
"I was married three times and all of my husbands died"
she went on, "the first two died from eating poison mushrooms" "the last one died from a gunshot"
"you see, he wouldn't eat the mushrooms"


----------



## [email protected]

If a boatload of 100 politicians accidentally went over a huge waterfall, how many of them would get killed ?
answer: who cares ??


----------



## nehimama




----------



## IndyDave

As seen from my window driving in Louisville, Kentucky.


----------



## [email protected]

6 more weeks until spring ?
I like to tell the story about Jesus. He was put into a tomb and a large rock was rolled over the opening.
after a few days an angel came and rolled the rock away.
Jesus woke up and walked out of the tomb, saw
his shadow and we had six more weeks of winter.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Nimrod

What do you call 100 lawyers on the bottom of the Atlantic with cement blocks wired to their feet?





A good start.


----------



## ydderf

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.


----------



## popscott




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## popscott




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## popscott




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## popscott




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## popscott




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## haypoint

"You weren't listening, were you?" seems like an odd way to start a conversation.


----------



## Evons hubby

haypoint said:


> "You weren't listening, were you?" seems like an odd way to start a conversation.


Maybe, but my Yvonne starts lots of conversations just that way!


----------



## haypoint

Lumberjack showed up at the hospital with a missing finger. Nurse asked, "Oh dear, how'd that happen?" He replied, " Cut it off with an axe. Just stitch it up." The nurse asked, " Don't you want something to ease the pain?" He responded, "I've had worse.". "Worse, what could be worse?" the nurse asked.

"Well." he began to explain, "The second worst pain happened out in the woods. I had to take a dump. I leaned against a tree, dropped my pants and crouched down. I didn't realize there was a bear trap there and it slammed shut on my junk." The nurse was shocked, "But if that was the second worst pain, what was the worst?"

The Lumberjack looked her in the eye and replied, "Well that was when I got to the end of the chain."


----------



## nehimama

haypoint said:


> Lumberjack showed up at the hospital with a missing finger. Nurse asked, "Oh dear, how'd that happen?" He replied, " Cut it off with an axe. Just stitch it up." The nurse asked, " Don't you want something to ease the pain?" He responded, "I've had worse.". "Worse, what could be worse?" the nurse asked.
> 
> "Well." he began to explain, "The second worst pain happened out in the woods. I had to take a dump. I leaned against a tree, dropped my pants and crouched down. I didn't realize there was a bear trap there and it slammed shut on my junk." The nurse was shocked, "But if that was the second worst pain, what was the worst?"
> 
> The Lumberjack looked her in the eye and replied, "Well that was when I got to the end of the chain."


OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!


----------



## poppy

popscott said:


> View attachment 74810


Check this site out for some laughs http://missouritrailertrash.com/page1.htm


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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


> View attachment 74912


That's just wrong on so many levels!! Now to clean the bourbon and coke off my screen!


----------



## D-BOONE

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"


----------



## D-BOONE

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


----------



## D-BOONE

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


----------



## D-BOONE

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."


----------



## D-BOONE

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"


----------



## D-BOONE

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middle aged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.’ ‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient. ‘Why?’ asks the doctor. The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’


----------



## [email protected]

two mental patients sitting outside at a nursing home. 
a bird poops on one of their heads.
a nurse says, I'll go get some toilet paper.
the other patient says to the first one, by the time she
gets back that bird will be miles away..

two not too bright men find themselves up in a tree after dark. first man says, how are we going to get down ? the second man says, I'll shine the flashlight
down and you can slide down on it's beam.. the second one says, Oh sure, I'll get half way down and you'll turn off the light..

a man is drilling a hole in the ice when he hears a deep voice. there are no fish under that ice. he looks around and sees nobody. so he continues drilling the hole. then the voice booms out again, there are no fish under that ice .. the man says, is that you Lord ? the voice answers, no I am the caretaker of the ice rink. there are no fish under that ice..


----------



## oldasrocks

A older widow lady decided to commit suicide after her husband died. She thought about pills but did not know what to take. thought about slitting her wrists but scared to. Finally decided to shoot herself in the heart. She was not sure exactly where her heart was co called her doctor. He said it was right behind her left breast. She was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her knee.


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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Nimrod

Little Johnny, 6 years old, ran away from home. His parents got up in the morning, his bed hadn't been slept in, and they couldn't find him anywhere so they called the police. Sure enough the cops found him headed down the road out of town with his clothes in a bundle tied to a stick over his shoulder. They took him down to the station and called his parents to come and get him.

A big old sargent asked Johnny why he had run away from home. Johnny said, "Well, last night my parents had a big fight about the mortgage. Then they tried to fool me and pretended they had made up. They sent me to bed but I fooled them and didn't go to bed. I waited until they went to bed then I crept down the hall and listened at their door. I heard my daddy say, "I'm pulling out" and my mamma said, "wait, I'm coming too" and I wasn't going to stick around and get stuck with that mortgage".


----------



## AmericanStand

[QUOTE="alleyyooper, post: 8220922, member: 155
If you live where it snows you know this one.











 Al[/QUOTE]

Lol way better if they were just past each other!


----------



## D-BOONE

Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.


----------



## D-BOONE

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to The President The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.


----------



## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## nehimama




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## AmericanStand

genebo said:


> Riding in to town with his neighbor, New England farmer #1 asks, "What did you give your calf when she had the bloat?"
> 
> Coming back from town that day, New England farmer #2 replies, "Gave her a pint of kerosene."
> 
> Next week, riding in to town, New England farmer #1 says, "Gave my calf a pint of kerosene. Killed her dead."
> 
> Coming back from town, New England farmer #2 says, "Killed mine, too."


 Lol here they would t be so long winded!
Whatcha do for bloat?
Pinta kerosene. 
Killed her
Yep.


----------



## D-BOONE

There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.


----------



## D-BOONE

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"


----------



## D-BOONE

I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.


----------



## Nimrod

A small New England town had a central square, like most towns in that part of the country. This town was a bit more progressive than most. They erected a statue of a beautiful woman on one side of the square and a statue of a handsome man on the other side. Now, these statues had nothing to do all day except stare across the square at each other. On the night of the 100th anniversary of the statues being erected an angel came down from heaven and granted them life for only that one night. For only that one night they would be real people but had to be back on their pedestals by sunrise. They went off in the bushes and there was loud moaning and groaning and the bushes were shaking. After a while they came out and took a stroll around the square. The man asked the woman, "do you want to do it again?". The woman replied,"OK but this time you hold the pigeon and I get to poop on it's head."


----------



## D-BOONE

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat. The government hates competition.


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## nehimama




----------



## po boy

Nimrod said:


> A small New England town had a central square, like most towns in that part of the country. This town was a bit more progressive than most. They erected a statue of a beautiful woman on one side of the square and a statue of a handsome man on the other side. Now, these statues had nothing to do all day except stare across the square at each other. On the night of the 100th anniversary of the statues being erected an angle came down from heaven and granted them life for only that one night. For only that one night they would be real people but had to be back on their pedestals by sunrise. They went off in the bushes and there was loud moaning and groaning and the bushes were shaking. After a while they came out and took a stroll around the square. The man asked the woman, "do you want to do it again?". The woman replied,"OK but this time you hold the pigeon and I get to poop on it's head."


No angle needed, they were just across the street from each other.


----------



## Nimrod

Fixed. Can't blame the spell checker for this one.


----------



## D-BOONE

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"


----------



## Nimrod

Did you hear about the midget soothsayer that escaped from the county jail?




The headline read, small medium at large.


----------



## Shine

Two construction workers went to work one day, they were friends. They did their jobs and then met for lunch. They spoke of things that happened in the last 3 hours and chuckled about the funny stuff and were aghast about the things that should not have been allowed to occur. 

They sat down with their lunch pails at the edge of the construction site and went towards eating their lunches. Looking around, one bumped the other and pointed into the area where the dog that was allowed to cover the construction site when the workers left and made note of the fact that the dog had one leg straight up in the air and was licking himself to no end.

After his friend saw what he was talking about, he saw what the dog was doing and looked back to his friend. 

His friend said: I wish I could do that!

He stood up, tackled him and held him to the ground and said: "That dog will bite you!"


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## nehimama




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## haypoint

Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flies like a banana. He was dating a girl with a wooden leg, but he broke it off. The man that fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. The bicycle couldn't stand by itself because it was two tired.


----------



## Nimrod

*He stood up, tackled him and held him to the ground and said: "That dog will bite you!*

Alternative punchline. 
Coworker said, "If you ask him real nice maybe he'll let you."

Ewwwww


----------



## po boy

Nimrod said:


> *He stood up, tackled him and held him to the ground and said: "That dog will bite you!*
> 
> Alternative punchline.
> Coworker said, "If you ask him real nice maybe he'll let you."
> 
> Ewwwww


One of the lines from the Late Lewis Grizzard
Got to tell the dog story. There’s somebody left who hasn’t heard the dog story.

We are playing Auburn. Sanford Stadium. National Television. Winner wins the Southeastern Conference; goes to the Sugar Bowl.

85,000 people jammed into Sanford Stadium. National television audience. This game is on the Armed Service Network. People in Switzerland are seeing this ballgame. Going everywhere.

The band cranks up “Glory, Glory to Ole Georgia” and our team comes running out. 85,000 stand as one.

We are led by our gallant mascot, UGA-U-G-A. What a dog! What a gorgeous dog. What a symbol of ferocity. But UGA ain’t real smart. UGA did not realize he was at a football game. Nor did he realize he was on national television, and was going into living rooms the width and breadth of this great nation.

And there, in front of all them people, he began to lick himself where dogs occasionally want to lick themselves, ok?

We don’t have to get any more graphic than that.

Bubba an’ Earl sittin’ on the fifty.

Bubba sees the dog, punches earl and said, ‘Earl, look at that dog. Dadgum, I wish I could do that.’

Earl said, ‘ Bubba, that dog’ll bite you


----------



## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## D-BOONE

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere.”


----------



## D-BOONE

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."


----------



## D-BOONE

Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."


----------



## D-BOONE

A man goes to see a wizard and says "can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "if you can remember the exact words of the curse ?"
The man replies without hesitation "I pronounce you man and wife ..."


----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## dsmythe

A woman was in court for stealing a car.

The judge asked why she stole it.

She replied, "My car wouldn't start, and I had to get to work".

The judge asked her why didn't she just take the bus.

She replied, "I couldn't do that. I don't have a license to drive a bus"


----------



## D-BOONE

A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.


----------



## D-BOONE

Marriage is a workshop,
where man works and woman shops.


----------



## D-BOONE

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes. Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married.
Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.' 
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' 
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.' 
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.


----------



## D-BOONE

I got married to Miss Right.
I just didn’t realise her first name was ‘Always’.


----------



## D-BOONE

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man. When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren’t you afraid of me, I’m evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!" The man replied "You don’t scare me, I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years."


----------



## [email protected]

a preacher was trying to come up with a light hearted sermon for next Sunday.
He told his wife that he was just going to talk about motorcycling.
On Saturday he changed his mind but didn't tell his wife. She didn't go to church for some reason. 
He gave the sermon about sex..
On Monday a group of women met the wife and were raving about the sermon.
The wife replied, Oh, I don't know, he has tried it a few times but falls off quite easily..


----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## poppy

A guy went to see a preacher seeking advice. The preacher noticed he looked tired and run down and asked him what the problem was. The guy said due to a little bad luck and lots of bad spending decisions he and his wife had built up a mountain of debt and were unable to meet their obligations and it was wearing on them mentally and physically. The preacher told him how he dealt with insurmountable problems was to find the answer in the Bible. The guy said he wouldn't even know where to look. The preacher told him to stand the Bible up on its spine and let it fall open to a random page, then close his eyes and put his finger down randomly anywhere on either page and his answer would be under his finger. A month later the preacher saw the guy in town well dressed and smiling. He told him he looked happy and the guy said he felt much better and things had worked out. The preacher asked him if he found the answer in the Bible. The guy said yes, he did everything the preacher said and it worked perfectly. The preacher asked him what was written when he moved finger and the guy replied "Chapter 13".


----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

I would like to be rich. Not crazy rich. I'd just like to be change the oil when it's time rich.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## D-BOONE

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common? 
A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.


----------



## D-BOONE

A wife is like a hand grenade. pull off the ring and say good bye to your house


----------



## D-BOONE

Why don‘t cannibals eat divorced women? Because they’re bitter.


----------



## D-BOONE

I’m certain there are female hormones in beer.
When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.


----------



## D-BOONE

An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit.
A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train.
The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.


----------



## D-BOONE

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?


----------



## ydderf

*The Weasel Joke*

So, these two weasels were sitting in the bar, nursing their umpteenth drinks. One would, tip his drink, set it down; the other would tip his drink, set it down. This went on for some time, until one abruptly stood up, waggled his finger in the face of the second weasel, and shrieked, “I’ve slept with your mother!”

The bar went silent. Several of the patrons casually looked about, marking the nearest exit. The second weasel said not a word, occasionally taking a tip of his drink. Soon, the first weasel sat back down, resumed drinking, and the conversations at the bar, interrupted by the drama, resumed.

Some time passed, the weasels refreshed their drinks, and, again, the first weasel again leapt to his feet, stuck his nose in the face of the other weasel, and bellowed, “I’ve slept with your mother! Several times!”

Dead silence again overtook the bar. A few of the earlier exit-surveying patrons signaled for their checks, or tossed a stack of bills onto the tables, and departed. The second weasel, sipping his drink, appeared unperturbed. Soon, the bellowing weasel sat back down, and resumed his drinking.

Slowly, hesitantly, the conversations about the bar resumed. Again, the one weasel staggered to his feet, pushed the other weasel in his shoulder, and sneered, “I’ve slept with your mother! And, it was good! Very, very good!”

The second weasel put down his drink. He regarded his companion for a moment, then pulled several bills from his pocket, and dropped them on the table. The silence in the bar was palpable. The second weasel got to his feet, and responded, “Dad, you’re drunk. Time to go home!”


----------



## [email protected]

Oh it's weasel jokes now, eh ?
a man was killed by a weasel. He was walking along a railroad track and a train ran him down. He didn't hear the weasel..

two bar hopping friends were walking along the railroad tracks. the first one said, this is the longest stairway I ever climbed. the second friend replied, yeah, and this is the lowest hand rail I have ever seen

two drunks were peeing off of a bridge in the dark of night.
the first one said, boy that water is cold,
the second one said, yeah, and deep, too..


----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## Falfrenzy

nehimama said:


>


Made me chuckle.


----------



## Falfrenzy




----------



## Falfrenzy




----------



## Falfrenzy




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## Falfrenzy




----------



## dsmythe

Listen up men, here is a little something that can save you some money on the love day!!!

A florist is advertising " Say what you feel with flowers".
A man walks in and says wrap me up one flower. 
Only one says the florist?
Yap, I am a man of few words!!!!!!!


----------



## dsmythe




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## ydderf




----------



## haypoint




----------



## [email protected]

Bob goes into a bar and sits down next a nice looking blonde.
the 10o oclock news comes on showing a man standing on a ledge 3 stories above the street..
Bob says to the blonde, do you think he will jump ?
Blonde says no. 
Bob says, I bet he will.
Blonde says, $20.oo he doesn't.
Bob says , OK it is a bet.
Suddenly the man jumps to his death.
Blonde sets her $20.oo on the bar, you win.
Bob says, Keep your money, I saw the
6 oclock news.
Blonde says, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again..
Bob took the money..


----------



## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## dsmythe




----------



## IndyDave

dsmythe said:


>


That isn't as bad as the tale told by the owner of a local sawmill about an employee who was predictably "sick" every Friday. One time he called in claiming to have rigor mortis.


----------



## [email protected]

a carpenter had a freak accident and cut off his ear.
at the ER the doctor asked the guy, where is your ear ? back in the shop, was the reply.
so the doctor sent the man's partner to the shop to retrieve the ear.
the partner was back soon with the ear.
the carpenter looked at it and said.
that is not my ear .. 
the doctor asked, how can that be ?
the carpenter said, I had a pencil behind my ear..


----------



## nehimama

Holy Cow! I didn't realize that Jim Henson is running the country!


----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint

At first I thought I'd forgotten how to throw a boomerang.


----------



## AmericanStand

haypoint said:


>


Nobody noticed the wet sidewalk?


----------



## AmericanStand

haypoint said:


> At first I thought I'd forgotten how to throw a boomerang.


Did it suddenly hit you think you really remembered?


----------



## nehimama

AmericanStand said:


> Nobody noticed the wet sidewalk?


That's what I thought, too!


----------



## poppy

A guy finally had to put his elderly dad in a nursing home. They put him in a chair sitting out in the lobby to get acquainted with the other old folks. After awhile the old man began to lean over to the left and a young lady at the desk ran over a sat him back up straight. A while later he started leaning over to the right and once again the young lady ran over and set him up straight. His son stopped by after work to see how he was doing on his first day. He asked his dad how it was going and the old man replied "I hate this place. They won't even let you fart in here".


----------



## IndyDave

nehimama said:


>


Is it just me or do those eyes resemble Jabba the Hutt?


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

A couple are laying in bed, about to go to sleep. Suddenly, she sits up and slaps her husband across the face. Bewildered, he asks, " What was that for?" She replied, " That was for 50 years of bad sex!" He laid there, pondering that. Then, he sat up and slapped her. Startled, she asked, "Why did you do that?" He replied, "That's for knowing the difference."


----------



## D-BOONE

*THIS ONE IS FOR OREGON

*


----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

a quite elderly couple went to a doctor and requested that he watch them have s*x.
so he did. this went on for 3 weeks, once each week.
finally the doctor announced that they seemed normal.
then he asked why they came to him..
the man said, well , we aren't married. she has a husband so we can't go to her place, I am married , so we can't go to my place. a hotel room is almost $100.oo, but you charge only $50.oo per visit..


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## popscott




----------



## haypoint

Today, I gave away all my dead batteries. Free of charge.


----------



## poppy

A woman was sitting in her doctor's waiting room waiting for her annual checkup and got to thinking about how to solve the problem of her dog shedding in the house and wondered if hair remover on her dog would solve the problem. She decided to ask her doctor his recommendation for a good hair remover. The doctor said her could give her a prescription for a good one but told her to be careful because sometimes it irritates skin. The woman said "I'm just going to rub it on my schnauzer" and the doctor replied "Well, if you're going to do that, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days".


----------



## ydderf

Two bulls standing out in a storm tail to the wind,snow built up on their shoulders. The one bull turns to the other and says I;m going to go to the barn and slip into a nice warm Jersey.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe

nehimama said:


>


When real Michiganders tell someone what part of Michigan we are from we ALWAYS hold up our hand a POINT! "8^) Dsmythe


----------



## haypoint

I think you'll laugh.


----------



## AmericanStand

[email protected] said:


> a quite elderly couple went to a doctor and requested that he watch them have s*x.
> so he did. this went on for 3 weeks, once each week.
> finally the doctor announced that they seemed normal.
> then he asked why they came to him..
> the man said, well , we aren't married. she has a husband so we can't go to her place, I am married , so we can't go to my place. a hotel room is almost $100.oo, but you charge only $50.oo per visit..


Not to mention it’s a lot easier to explain the doctor bill on the credit card.


----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


 When you are from Illinois you answer that same question “yes just 355 miles outside of Chicago “


----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


I would do that !

I ate dinner one time with my girlfriend my ex-girlfriend and my wife ........


----------



## Evons hubby

AmericanStand said:


> I would do that !
> 
> I ate dinner one time with my girlfriend my ex-girlfriend and my wife ........


Ahhhh yeeeeees. Thems were the good old days!


----------



## ydderf




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

Chisels, knives and scissors?
Why is it that chisels come in packaging that’s practically in destructible?
What’s going to hurt it ?
Why do knives and scissors come in packaging that requires knives and scissors to get them out of ?


----------



## Falfrenzy

AmericanStand said:


> Chisels, knives and scissors?
> Why is it that chisels come in packaging that’s practically in destructible?
> What’s going to hurt it ?
> Why do knives and scissors come in packaging that requires knives and scissors to get them out of ?


Even more head scratching, like Kryptonite to Superman.


----------



## IndyDave

AmericanStand said:


> Chisels, knives and scissors?
> Why is it that chisels come in packaging that’s practically in destructible?
> What’s going to hurt it ?
> Why do knives and scissors come in packaging that requires knives and scissors to get them out of ?


This brings back memories from a tender age of removing the childproof caps from my grandma's arthritis meds that she couldn't open herself.


----------



## nehimama

Falfrenzy said:


> Even more head scratching, like Kryptonite to Superman.
> View attachment 75372


Oh, the irony!


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## RideBarefoot

nehimama said:


>


Now that's some righteous parenting!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## cornbread

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared
and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement
2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by
my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt
in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring
to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid
to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began
to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into
it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to
relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the
store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning
SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
said, ' Oh my Lord', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said,
'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent
fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and,
pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the
premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop
at Food Town. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.


----------



## cornbread

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


Lol my neighbors are , well to be charitable “ free range” parents, my best friend lives on the other side of them. 
All of our kids play together.
I got home late one night and caught them playing in the road a block from home.
I laid down the get your butts home and get to bed law.
I was really talking to just mine and my friends kids but when I said GO they all took off running.
About half a block away I yelled “and don’t forget to brush” it seemed to energize them. 
There was something oddly satisfying about standing in the road at midnight watching all three run straight in the house and hearing the doors slam like a chorus line!
I stood there a moment then drove home, as I was securing the truck my neighbor came out of his house at a fast walk Excited and agitated I thought oh no I’m gonna hear it from the devil child parents.
Hum
WHAT THE ELL DID YOU SAY TO MY KID ?

Me
Well I ah hummm

Him
Could you write it down for me?


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

That's me!


----------



## ydderf

Motoring organizations gave out the following advice for those intending to travel in the snow and ice conditions:

Take the following items with you, a shovel, blankets, extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves, food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, spare battery and fuel and a first aid kit.

I felt such an idiot on the bus.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

They say that babies don’t really have any memory but when I had my son circumcised he didn’t speak to me for over a year.......


----------



## ydderf

Severe weather warning 2:

Southerners are advised not to travel unless absolutely necessary.

Northerners, You’ll need your big coat.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## AmericanStand

AmericanStand said:


> They say that babies don’t really have any memory but when I had my son circumcised he didn’t speak to me for over a year.......


 Strange things happen when you get drunk at 16 ......


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Owed Two a Spell Chequer 

Eye halve a spelling chequer; 
It came with my pea sea 
It plainly marques four my revue 
Miss teaks eye kin knot sea. 

Eye strike a key and type a word 
And weight four it two say 
Weather eye am wrong oar write 
- It shows me strait a weigh. 

As soon as a mist ache is maid 
It nose before two long, 
And eye can put the error rite 
Its rare lea ever wrong. 

Eye run this poem threw it; 
I am shore your pleased two no 
Its letter perfect awl the weigh, 
My chequer tolled me sew.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

AmericanStand said:


> They say that babies don’t really have any memory but when I had my son circumcised he didn’t speak to me for over a year.......


I don't blame him!


----------



## dsmythe

You know the sound that a Steak makes when you first put it on the Grill? Then your mouth starts to water?
I wonder if a vegan's mouth waters when they are cutting their GRASS!


----------



## IndyDave

nehimama said:


> That's me!


No! I don't want to be a girl! Put the hedge clippers down and back away slowly!


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Falfrenzy

dsmythe said:


>


Whatever would the various 3 letter Govt Agencies do for their dirt on everyone?


----------



## AmericanStand

Last night on the radio playing at the gas station. 
“ the grapevine is closed”

Wife how do they close a grapevine. 
Weary husband. I don’t know let’s ask at the hotel.



For those of you not in the area the grapevine is a pass highway I-5 goes through north out of the LA area and it was closed due to snow !
A lot of MASH was filmed close by.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Falfrenzy said:


> Whatever would the various 3 letter Govt Agencies do for their dirt on everyone?


Read "The Dark Rooms"


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## po boy

nehimama said:


>


I have seen that one a number of times..


----------



## nehimama




----------



## whiterock

looks evil


----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
A boiled egg every morning is hard to beat.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

nehimama said:


>


I worked on a concrete crew. we always waited for the trucks to come just like that. I always said I was going to make chairs like that. never did though.
try it out ..


----------



## cornbread

WALKING ON THE GRASS .

The room full of pregnant women with their husbands .

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty
of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass."

"Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that
shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught........


----------



## Evons hubby

True story here. When I was taking classes to get my real estate license one of the students brought forward the question "If a man has been married and divorced seven times and is married again when he dies..... Who inherits his estate?". Our instructor never missed a beat with his response..."In all likelihood a man who has been divorced seven times has no estate to leave behind!"


----------



## nehimama

cornbread said:


> WALKING ON THE GRASS .
> 
> The room full of pregnant women with their husbands .
> 
> The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
> It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty
> of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass."
> 
> "Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that
> shared experience would be good for you both."
> 
> The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
> 
> After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
> 
> "Yes?" said the Instructor.
> 
> "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
> 
> This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught........


I LAUGHED OUT LOUD!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## no really

nehimama said:


>


Hey! I resemble that remark!


----------



## Nimrod

nehimama said:


>


Pup's picture could be my dog Smoke, right down to the white blase on his chest. Smoke died about last Thanksgiving. He was a wisenhiemer.


----------



## ydderf

Speaking of marbles! The RCMP college in Regina Saskatchewan has a class on elocution, I assume most police training academies have a similar course to teach their police officers to speak loudly and clearly. In Regina the first day of the course the potential officers must speak while holding 3 marbles in their mouths. At week 3 the members in the class are allowed to remove one of the marbles. Just before graduation they remove the last marble so that once they've lost all their marbles they graduate.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## cornbread

A future civil servant he has declared his intention to run as a democrat in 2020?

'Homework Is Not a Real Thing in the Real World': Teen's Excuse Letter to Teacher Goes Viral.
by Fox News Insider
https://insider.foxnews.com/2019/02...se-teacher-goes-viral-homework-not-real-thing

"Fox & Friends" caught up Tuesday with a California teenager whose hilarious excuse for not doing his homework went viral. 
*Eddie Cortez*, 14, wrote a detailed letter to his teacher that included the memorable line: "Homework is not a real thing in the real world so we should not have to do it in school because it's not useful." *[Best head back to mey-hee-co, where that attitude is prevalent - Dennis]*

He went on to argue that weekends are supposed to be "a stress-free time to go out with friends, watch TV and play games," not do schoolwork. 

Alongside his father, Alfred, Eddie told Steve Doocy he thought it was funny and he had some "good points" to make to his teacher. He even wrote that his mom found a gray hair on his head, possibly from too much school-related stress. 

Alfred said he thought it was hilarious and posted it on Facebook for family and friends to see. He said his son usually does his homework and is doing "alright" in school. 

Eddie got plenty of support for his letter on social media...

Lil man should be a life coach! 

— Vanessa (@VLove1992) February 15, 2019

I mean the points he made were 100% valid....I do what makes me happy

— IG: NikkiSchwayze (@Parris_noHILTON) February 14, 2019

"The court rules in favor in the case of student vs homework"
A lawyer in the making

— Indira mayisela (@artindira) February 14, 2019

Eddie even added a judgment on the matter at hand in the letter, writing, "Case closed, the court rules in favor of Edward Immanuel Cortez in the case of student vs homework."


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

I don't need a reminder that I'm old.
I get that as soon as I wake up every morning.


----------



## nehimama

Bearfootfarm said:


> I don't need a reminder that I'm old.
> I get that as soon as I wake up ever morning.


*sigh*! I know, I know!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

Nimrod said:


> He was a wisenhiemer.


Now that's funny.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## cornbread

Two Old Guys

Two old guys sitting on the front porch. 

A Dog is laying there licking himself. 

One old man says "I wish I could do that". 

Other old guy thinks for a second and says "that dog would BITE you!!"


----------



## Shine

Bearfootfarm said:


> I don't need a reminder that I'm old.
> I get that as soon as I wake up every morning.


Which morning... where?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


Some seem to live for telling others the minutia of their daily life.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Shine said:


> Which morning... *where?*


Hopefully somewhere that at least *seems *vaguely familiar.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Ziptie

AmericanStand said:


> Chisels, knives and scissors?
> Why is it that chisels come in packaging that’s practically in destructible?
> What’s going to hurt it ?
> Why do knives and scissors come in packaging that requires knives and scissors to get them out of ?


Oh, you have to watch this one. My Dh has had to watch this several times.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## D-BOONE

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you". 
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking" 
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!


----------



## D-BOONE

There were two retired men. One of the men said "I feel like a newborn baby,". The other man asked why. The man said, " I have no hair, no teeth, and I just peed in my pants.


----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


And the dog replies dumb people we don’t want to chase the ball we Want the ball!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Danaus29

It's hilarious but also so very sad that a sign like that is needed.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

A mother rushes sonny boy to the doctors after witnessing him swallow a plastic horse. After a thorough exam the Doc said to the Mom "he'll be fine he's a stable little boy"


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## ydderf

*Yankee Medical Terms and their proper University of Georgia definition:*

_Terminal illness – Getting sick at the airport
Cauterize – To make eye contact with a woman
Pharmacist – A person who makes a living in agriculture
G.I. Series – A baseball game between teams of soldiers
Benign – What you are after you be eight and before you be ten
Scalpel – What you stand on to clean windows in high rise buildings
Vein – Conceited
Varicose – Nearby
Dilate – To live long
Colic – A sheep dog_
Enema – Not a friend
_Node – Was aware of
Tumor – An extra pair
Morbid – A higher offer
Pelvis – A cousin of Elvis
Fibula – A small white lie
Coma – A punctuation mark
Seizure – A Roman emperor
Anti-body – Against everyone
Rectum – Dang near killed ‘em
Protein – In favor of young people
Paralyze – Two farfetched stories
CAT Scan – Searching for the kitty
Urine – The opposite of “you are out”
Nitrates – Cheaper than the day rate
Impotent – Distinguished, well known
Barium – What you do after the patient dies
Outpatient – A patient who has fainted
Cesarean section – A district in Rom_


----------



## Falfrenzy

nehimama said:


>


Our days of this mental privacy I fear are numbered. Sorry to take the piss out of a humor thread.


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Nimrod

Statistics show that a woman has a baby every 3 minutes. If you want to limit population growth, find this woman and stop her.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## IndyDave

nehimama said:


>


That's just wrong!


----------



## Evons hubby

IndyDave said:


> That's just wrong!


Maybe.... But it might keep someone from going blind!


----------



## [email protected]

a man had just gotten a real nice high paying job.
He bought a very nice suit and stopped at his favorite watering hole to celebrate.
after celebrating too much, he puked down the front of his new clothes.
Now he was worried what his wife would do.
The bartender quickly stuffed a $20.oo bill into the handkerchief pocket of the man's coat.
What is that for ? he asked.
the bartender said , when you get home, tell your wife that someone puked on you and put the $20. there to pay for the cleaning bill.
when the man got home , his wife saw the money. 
Great, the plan is working.. He quickly told her the story.. then she said , what is the second $20. for?
the man said, the other guy also pooped in my pants.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

Something to look forwad to!


----------



## ydderf




----------



## itsb

I read like ya'lls jokes and pic.


----------



## ydderf

itsb said:


> I read like ya'lls jokes and pic.


Does that mean you enjoy them? Or does it mean you'd as soon we went away


----------



## Shine

Someone should make this thread a sticky to keep it going...


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Shine said:


> Someone should make this thread a sticky to keep it going...


If it gets too sticky someone will have to clean it up.


----------



## Shine

Bearfootfarm said:


> If it gets too sticky someone will have to clean it up.


FIREHOSE fer everybody!!!!!


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender ...

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:“I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion!!!


----------



## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




----------



## Shine

dsmythe said:


>


What??? No yield sign on the left hand lane??? That's gonna cause problems.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


I'm the same way with dishes! I just get the kitchen cleaned up and before the sink has a chance to dry I see the kids with coffee cups and juice glasses making snacks! Oh well, gotta love them anyway.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## po boy

dsmythe said:


>


Toll booth, u have 2 fork over some cash or they may take fine silverware.


----------



## AmericanStand

Here near where I live couple of young men tied a concrete block a rope and lowered it from the highway overpass. 
They got what they wanted a oncoming truck hit it at 70 mile an hour.
the damage was horrendous. 
Having wrapped the rope around their wrists the impact tore their right arms from their bodies. 
With such horrible and grotesque damage the troopers were lucky to stop the truck driver within a few miles of where he was probably charged arrested and thrown in jail where he is currently awaiting trial on charges of 



Arm Robbery


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## ydderf

*Firewalls are Wonderful*

Damien O’Donnell, the director of “East is East” has produced a new film called “Heartlands”. It was filmed in South Yorkshire in England, and he decided to hold the World Premiere in the Paramount Cinema near where it was filmed, in the small town of Penistone.

In the course of arranging this he tried to deal with queries from the distributors, a Disney subsidiary called Buena Vista, by replying to their emails. Unfortunately none of his replies were ever received.

The problem was finally traced to the fact that the firewall they were using identified a word starting with p-e-n-i-s and rejected the emails as obscene.

Of course, if you have similar protection you may well not have received this email. If that is the case, please let me know at once.


----------



## ydderf

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men; and
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women; and
C. In three generations, there will be no NDP or Liberals

Such an unfair world:

When a man talks dirty to a woman it’s considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

Isn’t it weird that:

In Canada our culture offends so many people, yet our benefits don’t?


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

Some do have eyes on the back of their head!!


----------



## ydderf

six pack


----------



## ydderf

eye doughnut carrot all


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## AmericanStand

Discussion about tailgaters reminded me of a brawl in tragic that I had recently. I was Following a gigantic red Cadillac sedan Deville as we approach an intersection there was about 100 foot long patch of ice and as the Cadillac reached that point he slammed on his brakes. Of course he didn’t stop on the ice he stopped just off of the ice and of course since I was a hair too close I too slid on the ice and a much lower rate of speed. But enough that my bumper barely tapped his.
It was just a tiny bump I mean not even a mark on the bumper barely jiggled his mirror dice.

I was shocked to see his fist shaking at me in the rearview mirror I could hear him cussing and then the door opened and this guy jumped out and started back towards me.
He was 3 feet tall but he lookedso mad I expected to see him spit bricks.
He marched up to me and with the look of a 10 foot tall cage fighter announced to me ,
“ I am not happy “
I’m sorry but it shot out of me without thinking.
“ well there’s six more are you grumpy ?”
And that’s when the fight started


----------



## AmericanStand

Most trucks driver stories start with a proclamation of credentials 

Something like I’ve been driving for five years and let me tell you.

I’ve been doing this long enough and I’ve taken the other tack instead of announcing but I have over 15 years experience in heavy trucks are usually start with something like;
Well I graduated earls truck driving and moonshine running school last week and let me tell you ;
So when walking out of a huge public bathroom along the interstate in Pennsylvania I heard a very cultured voice say with disstain and proclaim “I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to wash put hands after we use the toilet “

I just couldn’t help myself; 

“ I graduated from Earl’s truck driving school last week and they taught us not to piss all over ourselves, here use my towel !”


----------



## AmericanStand

Now every good truck driver knows that a gator is a big long curly lump of rubber that what is tire tread on your tires in now is a highway obstacle
Besides that way up in Montana we don’t have them green lizard things that they do down south.
So the last thing in my mind when I pulled over alongside the highway up in the mountains of Montana was a gator .
But it was cold and dark and I had to P.
I stop the truck alongside the highway and stepped out into that cold brisk mountain air with nothing on my mind except a quick relief between the dials.

But just as I finished have stepped back and turned to leave something in the dark brushed my ankle ,a little shaken in the spooky darkness I gave it a good swift kick !
But it came right back and grab me in the knee I kicked it again and again and then some more and finally it let go but that time is came around behind me and it bit me in the butt.
I didn’t know what had hold me but it was dark and I was fighting for my life I kicked I bit I elbowed I dug my side knife out of its sheath I stabbed with all of my might.
I don’t know how long it went on me wrasseling ,stabbing biting and kicking for my life when finally a state trooper pulled up and put a spotlight on us. 
Like the voice of God his megaphone rang out with the word of truth.
Son put the gator down!
So I sleepishly Left the tire tread on the roadside and got back in my truck


----------



## AmericanStand

Do you know the difference between a fairytale and a trucker story?
A fairytale starts out once upon a time
A trucker story starts out hey man this ain’t no ****


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## Nimrod

Ole and Lena vas having does marital difficulties. Lena talked Ole into seeing a marriage counselor. So dey vas in the marriage counselor's office and he asked them some questions. Then he said he wanted to talk to Lena alone so he had Ole go out in the vaiting room. He asks Lena a bunch of questions then he asks her if they have mutual orgasms? Lena opens the door to the waiting room and shouts to Ole, "do we have mutual orgasms?". Ole shouts back, "no, I tink ve have Mutual of Omaha.".


----------



## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




----------



## AmericanStand

One old man to another as nice young man pays for Poor old ladies coffee. 
Dumb kid that old ***** has more money hidden away than God. 
Second old man , yeah millions and he mows her lawn for free. 
First old man , how did you know that ?
Second old man, “ she told me when I drew up her will”


----------



## haypoint

My cousin posted on Facebook that she was expecting twins. My comment, "Well, finally two by the same man." wasn't as funny as I thought. Unfriended.


----------



## haypoint

In Walmart, this fat ugly woman was yelling profanity at her two boys.
As I walked by, I asked, " So, the twins are acting up?"
She scowled at me, "You idiot! They are 7 and 9 years old. How can you be so dumb?" I replied, " Sorry, I just didn't think anyone would have sex with you twice."


----------



## itsb

haypoint said:


> In Walmart, this fat ugly woman was yelling profanity at her two boys.
> As I walked by, I asked, " So, the twins are acting up?"
> She scowled at me, "You idiot! They are 7 and 9 years old. How can you be so dumb?" I replied, " Sorry, I just didn't think anyone would have sex with you twice."


Dilly-Dilly


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## AmericanStand

Truckstops are complaining that truck drivers are spending too long in the shower nowadays. 
They should use the method that they used to use at the old pine bluff Nebraska truck stop on interstate 80.
The particular truckstop was famous nationwide for having the best hot water and high-pressure showerhead it would almost peel the skin off! Felt great and best of all like all showers back then it was free while you’re waiting for your food to be served. 

He would sit down at the counter order your meal and while waiting for it to be cooked slip into the shower stall at the end of the counter. When your meal was ready the waitress would reach though the curtain and pinch your butt !


----------



## AmericanStand

Ever wonder about the difference between Texan drivers and New York drivers?
In Texas a trooper writes a ticket on the shoulder alongside the interstate in Dallas and traffic backs up to Huston. 
In New York a body lies in the first traffic lane and people take the shoulder ist 70 mph later at the office nobody remembers the reason for the “back up “


----------



## AmericanStand

Drinkers take heart the dog breeders of America are breeding a special companion animal for you ,When it bites you on the ear it’s time to quit drinking,it’s half Chihuahua and half pug. 

Chug !


----------



## Evons hubby

AmericanStand said:


> Drinkers take heart the dog breeders of America are breeding a special companion animal for you ,When it bites you on the ear it’s time to quit drinking,it’s half Chihuahua and half pug.
> 
> Chug !


What a blessing!


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## roadless

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=315615672645306


----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

Pal: "My advice for your date is, make her think you're well traveled, girls love it!" 
Me: "Guess how many buses it took me to get here."


----------



## ydderf

A young man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some protection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked young man says. "Good Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by theyselves!"


----------



## ydderf




----------



## nchobbyfarm

Scientists have decided to use lawyers instead of rats during lab testing. 

The reasons-
1- there are now more lawyers than rats.
2- the lab techs don't get as attached to the lawyers.
3- and finally, there are some things even a rat won't do!


----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## dsmythe




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## dsmythe




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

The world can not be flat! If it were flat my cat would have pushed the car over the edge.


----------



## ydderf

“Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.”

Scene: costume party

A: what are you dressed as?
B: can’t you tell, I’m a harp!
A: your costume is too small to be a harp...
B: calling me a lyre?!


----------



## ydderf

Bloke goes to a costume party, stark naked, painted green with his girlfriend on his back. Someone asks ‘what are you supposed to be?’, he replies ‘I’m a tortoise’. ‘What about her?’, he replies... ‘that’s Michelle’


----------



## ydderf

I told my doctor that when I travel from country to country I have the urge to get drunk. She told me I’m a borderline alcoholic.


----------



## ydderf

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

*How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

*Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* At the bottom of the page

In which battle did Napoleon die? *His last battle*


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

In an effort to reduce the negativity in my life, from now on Mondays will be known as Taco Tuesday Eve.


----------



## haypoint

Having children is like having little broke friends that think you are rich.


----------



## haypoint

I saw a hotdog vendor with a sign, "Grilling me softly with his tongs".


----------



## haypoint

When you find someone that gives you everything you want, great sex, spoils you, wants to spend the rest of their life with you, just understand the alarm is about to go off. You are dreaming.


----------



## nehimama

haypoint said:


> When you find someone that gives you everything you want, great sex, spoils you, wants to spend the rest of their life with you, just understand the alarm is about to go off. You are dreaming.


That alarm is LOUD.


----------



## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

Jason wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Jason : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Jason : SEVEN!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Jason : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Jason : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Jason : I've already got one rabbit at home now!


----------



## AmericanStand

My 17 year old brothers announcement;
Mom dad I have decided to marry a woman .
Dad’s reaction ,
Good choice .


----------



## AmericanStand

This story is legendary in my family,
On my first visit to the Playboy club at the tender age of seven upon walking in I noticed one of the hostesses fluffy bunny tail .
I pointed out to my father that girl has a cute little tail.
Apparently granddad replied yes yes she does.


----------



## AmericanStand

Granddad had always wanted to go gold-mining and when we moved to Alaska in 69 he thought he saw his chance. 
With one of my uncles to assist him they flew to Alaska and we arranged a gold mining trip. 
We drove to a friends gold claim 
I spent an hour showing them likely places for gold and how to operate the pan and sure enough after each pan was worked out there would be a few tiny flecks of gold shining in the bottom pan which I would vacuum out with a eye dropper. 
At lunch we sat in the 8 x 10 cabin of a previous owner and I explained how in the winter it would be warmer than they thought because animal hides would be tacked around the outside walls to dry. Most prospectors were trappers to
We ate a authentic lunch of ham and beans that mom had packed in a large thermos and went back to work. 
After a couple more hours of work in the cold Stream they were ready to call it quits.
They were quite proud of the 50 or 60 dust sized particles of gold in a tiny vial the size of a carpenters level vial 
Grandpa was quite happily explaining to mom that he was going to move to Alaska and become a gold miner since it was so much easier than being a farmer when dad asked me how much the gold was worth . When I replied I’m sure there was at least 10 or $.15 worth the next words out of grandpa‘s mouth was “or maybe not “


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

How to fold a fitted sheet: 




__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10213011955764201


----------



## Evons hubby

Thats how I do it!


----------



## dsmythe

nehimama said:


>


At first glance I thought you had yourself a "Pole Cat" Dsmythe


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

Do you know what the loudest sound you will ever hear on a plane is ?


Silence


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## ydderf

sole mates


----------



## ydderf

I'm a sock-er for puns!


----------



## [email protected]

two construction workers eating their lunches.
!st man: I sure am sick of salami sandwiches. same thing, day after day, week in and week out.
2nd man: why don't you tell your wife ?
1st man: I'm not married, I pack my own lunch..


----------



## ydderf

I used to have a few jokes about pairs of matching socks but I’ve lost one.


----------



## ydderf

I was going to dump all my socks, but I got cold feet.


----------



## nehimama

March did NOT come in like a Lion.
It came in like a T-Rex with PMS...
and hemorrhoids...
wearing barbed wire undies.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

Did you hear about the two guys that walked into the bar? The third guy ducked!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

I was hitchhiking when I was a young man, and a beautiful witch picked me up.. how could I tell she was a witch ?? she drove only a few miles and turned into a
motel..


----------



## ydderf

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, Because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Cabin Fever




----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


That’s a old tundra , but I’ve always loved any of the tundra comics.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

Little Eddy and his mom were digging for fishing bait in the garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mom.

“No, honey, it won’t do for bait,” she said. “It’s not an earthworm.”

“It’s not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is it from?


----------



## ydderf

A monastery is in financial trouble, so it goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money. One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers. The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?”

“No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk".


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint

I thought I saw an optometrist on an island in Alaska. But it was just an Optical Andalusian.


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Falfrenzy

dsmythe said:


>


Must be recently married. If one has a sarcastic attitude/sense of humor when you marry them, don't expect it to change.

My whole family has sarcastic wit. If you ask a stupid question you get a stupid answer back. And you can either roll your eyes and rephrase it, or go off with hurt feelings. Your choice.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## genebo

The World's Greatest Turkey Caller laid down behind a fallen log where he could see under the log. He called a turkey up so close he was able to reach under the log and grab it by the legs.

However, the turkey was too big to pull through the gap under the log, so the World's Greatest Turkey Caller turned it loose, called it around the end, and caught it again.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## haypoint

I'm about ten years into my relationship now and I've started to have difficulties in the bedroom.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra, and I bought her a treadmill.


----------



## haypoint

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.


----------



## haypoint

I'll never understand people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.


----------



## haypoint

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. 

"What did you take?" his priest asked. 

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." 

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" 

"Well no, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


>


Or WI...


----------



## ydderf




----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


>


Nannyberries...


----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


>


You know why old folks in WI stay married so long, right?

1)love
2)vows &
3)ticks...


----------



## light rain

light rain said:


> Nannyberries...


But DH says it's capers...


----------



## nehimama




----------



## IndyDave

nehimama said:


>


This reminds me of my youngest half-brother swearing that there were sharks in the front yard.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## IndyDave

nehimama said:


>


You would.

I spent most of my day getting bit and sitting in the ER while they had a bumper crop of people on the edge of death hence not getting to me any time too soon.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


So true!


----------



## dsmythe

Yvonne's hubby said:


> So true!


We don't need as many books as we used to either.....or at least I don't. I can't remember what I did 10 minutes ago. Dsmythe


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## ydderf

If a married woman makes a spelling error is it a mrsspelling or a mrsstake?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

ydderf said:


> If a married woman makes a spelling error is it a mrsspelling or a mrsstake?


It's her husband's fault.
Just ask her.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

A man owned a ranch in Montana.

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board”

“And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “

The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!”

“You already are” replied the rancher.


----------



## haypoint

The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow 
man. Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight
from Dublin to Chicago, the lead flight attendant nervously made the
following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and
gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by
our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have
103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner
meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she
continued,"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone
else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of
our 10 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 1/2 hour later: "If anyone is hungry,
we still have 40 dinners available."


----------



## IndyDave

One day a farmer was worried that his old rooster wasn't up to his job so he brought a young rooster to the farm. The young rooster walked into the henhouse, found the old rooster, and said, "I am taking over here. You hit the road." The old rooster said, "I don't have anywhere to go. Now about we have a race. If I win, you can still be in charge and have the hens but I get to stay. If you win, I'll leave. I am old so I will need a little head start, but we will race Rom here around the house and back. The young rooster got a smug look on his face and said, "you're on. Start running grandpa." As the young rooster was catching up, the rooster were approaching the porch where the old farmer was sitting with his shotgun. The old rooster started squeaking in terror. The farmer shot the young rooster and said to himself, "I just don't get it. That's the third gay rooster I have bought this week."


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


It seems strange the girls have longer pony tails than the "ponies".


----------



## D-BOONE

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. I have never had a more peaceful day.


----------



## Evons hubby

D-BOONE said:


> The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. I have never had a more peaceful day.


Tomorrow may be a real bugger!


----------



## D-BOONE

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
“Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks. “No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. “Where’s my toast?”


----------



## D-BOONE

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."


----------



## D-BOONE

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish". Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to".

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


----------



## AmericanStand

IndyDave said:


> This reminds me of my youngest half-brother swearing that there were sharks in the front yard.


My little brother firmly believed there were milkshakes in the yard for years 

We finally figured out the he had overheard dad find a milk snake


----------



## ydderf




----------



## oldasrocks

It's a lot more fun to color raw eggs and hide them in the park.


----------



## AmericanStand

Lol now dats mean!


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Bearfootfarm

D-BOONE said:


> The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.


This really happened.

I saw a friend of mine ask his wife to toss him the bottle of nasal spray sitting on the table beside her. 

She threw him a bottle of Buck Lure deer urine instead.

He didn't notice the difference until he used it. 

I thought it was a *lot* funnier than he did.

She *says* it was "accidental".


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Nimrod

Ole and Sven wanted to go duck hunting but neither one of them had been duck hunting before. They went and talked to Lars because Lars was a duck hunter. Lars said I'll loan you my boat, my dog, and my decoys. You go over to the slough in Swenson's back 40. That's the best place to hunt ducks in the county. You put out the decoys and hide up in the rushes while it's dark and I'll guarantee you'll have your limit of ducks be 10:00 in the morning. So Ole and Sven got out there in the dark the next morning, put out the decoys, and hid up in the rushes. Ten o'clock in the morning came and went but they didn't have a single duck. Ole says to Sven, "I just can't figure this out. We did everything Lars said and we haven't got a single duck yet." Sven says, "I think I've got it figured out, we aren't throwing the dog high enough."


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


Good luck with that!


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## AmericanStand

There should be a comma?


----------



## alida




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


When they run for office that will come back to haunt them.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”
“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Obama frowns, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.” The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”

Tony Blair walks into the room. “Yes, my Queen?”
The Queen smiles. “Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question. “Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” says Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He goes to members of the Cabinet and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. He goes to the Supreme Court and asks all nine members and doesn’t get an answer. He goes to Congress and asks most of the members to no avail. 

Finally, he walks into the Colin Powell’s office and says, “Colin, see if you can answer this riddle: Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Powell says, “It’s me!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”

Biden smiles, and says, “Thanks!” Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.
“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin Powell.”

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, 
“No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”


----------



## Bearfootfarm

A weasel walks into a bar. 
The bartender asks him what he'll have..... 






"Pop," goes the weasel.


----------



## AmericanStand

A duck walks into a bar and asked the bartender if he has any duck food .
Of course not says the bartender and Now get out of here. 
They after day the duck returns and asked the same question finally the aggravated bartender says get out of here and don’t come backAsking the same stupid question or I’m going to nail Your feet to the floor !
The next day the duck comes in looks at the bartender says hey you got any nails ? the bartender have to think for a moment then says no I don’t. 
At which point the dick says great ! you got any duck food ?


----------



## AmericanStand

A Texan, a Russian, a Cuban, and a blonde ( or any other race religion ethnicity country political party that you wanted to be offended by )
All sit down in. A Railroad a car together. 
The Cuban lights up a big cigar the blonde looks offended so he stops it out and throws it out the window. 
He looks at the others and says in my country we have plenty of fine Cuban cigars 
The Texan looks amazed 
The Russian takes out a bottle of vodka takes a swig and again the blonde looks offended so he tosses it out the window .
He looks the others in an ounce is in my country we have plenty of fine vodka 
The Texan looks amazed 
The blonde comments that in my country we don’t waste good things 
So the Texan reaches over and grabs a blonde and throws her out the window 
Yeah we got plenty of those in Texas


----------



## alida




----------



## alida

for those of us who still have snow on the ground


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Nimrod

W. C. Fields was once asked if he liked children. He responded, "yes. Medium rare."


----------



## ydderf

In the same vein, a cowboy friend was asked by a tourist if he liked horses, his response was yes with potatoes and gravy.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

What's a potatoes favorite horror movie?

The Silence of the Yams.

What do you call a potato that's reluctant to jump into boiling water?
A hesi-tater.

Potato puns are a-peeling.

Who is the most powerful potato?

Darth Tater.

If you're looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.

What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes?

A medi-tator.


----------



## ydderf

Two vultures returning to Texas from a winter in southern Mexico decide because of their advanced years to fly on a commercial airline. When they arrive at the airport they each have an Armadillo under one wing. When asked if they would like to check the Armadillos they responded "no thank you these are carri on."


----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

I don’t know what it got into my daughter would day but she would not stop about wanting a pony as we sat down and ate McDonald’s I finally had enough and I told her to STOP

Me OK your mom and I will buy you a pony 
Daughter “really ?”
Me again “of course a quarter pound at a time right here at McDonald’s”


----------



## AmericanStand

Does it strike anyone as odd that we’re going to have self driving cars before we have self driving trains?


----------



## ydderf

AmericanStand said:


> Does it strike anyone as odd that we’re going to have self driving cars before we have self driving trains?


Follow the money!


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Redlands Okie

AmericanStand said:


> Does it strike anyone as odd that we’re going to have self driving cars before we have self driving trains?


Already got the self driving trains here in USA. They keep a eye on them remotely just in case it seems.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

ydderf said:


> What do you call


a potato that always makes trouble?

an Agi-tater


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Nimrod

When making a motion picture they sometimes yell cut in the middle of a scene. Then they come back and take up where they left off. There is a person whose job it is to remember where everyone was and what position they were in when they cut and be certain everyone is in the same place and position when they resume. Jack Benny's favorite joke was that he jokingly suggested to the repositioning person that he was over there and he was picking his nose. Without missing a beat she replied, "no you were done".


----------



## Irish Pixie

I don't like Peeps.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

Redlands Okie said:


> Already got the self driving trains here in USA. They keep a eye on them remotely just in case it seems.


Do you know who builds them ?i do you know where they are operated iat ? I’m a big train fan I would like to see them


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


That's the Reader's Digest version of my life story.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## whiterock

try that with high carbon steel knives and you will stain the blade. not a bad look though


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## alida




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


And some are you girls don’t realize how much some of us like both !


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## alida




----------



## ydderf

I've decided I need to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage?

He always fears the Wurst.

Three men are on a boat one day. They all smoke and they've got four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

I'm positive I just lost an electron.

Better keep an ion that.

What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?

He was given two consecutive sentences.


----------



## [email protected]

when I worked on construction a long time ago,
I was surprised that a co worker had never seen a thermos bottle. he asked me what it was for ?
I told him, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.. he was impressed. a couple of days later he showed up at lunch with his nice new thermos.
I asked him what he had in it ? he answered , soup,
and a popsicle..


----------



## ed/La

In church an elderly wife said I just cut a silent fart. What should I do? Husband replied change the battery in your hearing aid.


----------



## Nimrod

[email protected] said:


> when I worked on construction a long time ago,
> I was surprised that a co worker had never seen a thermos bottle. he asked me what it was for ?
> I told him, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.. he was impressed. a couple of days later he showed up at lunch with his nice new thermos.
> I asked him what he had in it ? he answered , soup,
> and a popsicle..


Ole thinks a thermos bottle is miraculous. It keeps hot things hot or cold things cold but how do it know which to do?


----------



## AmericanStand

For a while some company made a kind of widemouth stackable thermos the first one I saw was when a new kid just started bringing one to the construction site with hot soup and ice cold tea. 
He was the butt of 100 jokes till lunch time came and he unscrewed the two halves !


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Nimrod

Looks like a a great April fools prank on porch pirates.


----------



## IndyDave

Nimrod said:


> Looks like a a great April fools prank on porch pirates.


Yes, but much better for use on thieves if filled with manure.


----------



## AmericanStand

One look at that would have most husbands a credit card heart attack !


----------



## Bearfootfarm

AmericanStand said:


> One look at that would have most husbands a credit card heart attack !


She actually bought all that stuff.


----------



## whiterock

Hopefully not all at one time


----------



## haypoint

Always take a woman to a water park on the 1st date. Think you are dating Jennifer Aniston, but you are really dating Caitlyn Jenner.


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## popscott

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Should have pointed out the punctuation. And insert a comma after the first "night" and after "well".


----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe

nehimama said:


>


I Wish I was the person my dog thinks I am. Yes this is a "stolen" quote but that and your picture really sums up Life as I know it with my 2 "Buddies". Dsmythe


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

The controllers at Frankfurt Germany airport are very arrogant when a British airways pilot asked for instructions on ground taxiing one of them asked him haven’t you ever been here before? The pilot reply Yes during the war but it was at night and we didn’t land.....


----------



## AmericanStand

Another time a German pilot complain why must I a German pilot flying a German plane for the German airline at a German airport speak English? To which an anonymous voice replied “because you lost “


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

*ACRONYMS FOR CARS *

Big Money Works -BMW

Virtually Worthless - Volkswagen

Fast Only Rolling Downhill -Ford

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere -Dodge

Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time -Chevrolet


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## ydderf

baseball puns!!
*. Never hit the ump… The Umpire Strikes Back.*

*If you sing while playing baseball you may not get a good pitch.*

*What’s the difference between a rain barrel and a bad fielder?... One catches drops and the other drops catches.*

*Why is it always so windy at Candlestick Park?... Because of all the Giant Fans!*

*. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.*


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Irish Pixie

I loathe Peeps...


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## AmericanStand

Bummer I forgot to go to the gym this morning. 


That makes 39 years in a row .....


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


I have often wondered where she went! I was waving at her, thought to myself ".I could marry that girl" then she hopped in a cab and disappeared forever!


----------



## AmericanStand

For almost a year I watched the prettiest blonde girl cut through the alley in front of my apartment. Often we walked through it a few feet apart without speaking and finally after almost a year I worked up the courage to ask her out. 
She burst out crying with tears running down her cheeks. 
She looked at me and said for almost a year I’ve waited for you to speak to me ,she took another sob and said tomorrow I go off to basic in the Navy. 
Musta been about 1979 behind the federal building in Anchorage Alaska.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

About 45 seconds. You may need to turn on the sound.



__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10215838100698967


----------



## Bearfootfarm

20 seconds run time.
"Where's that driveway again?"



__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=565792063932089


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## whiterock

More like anything you say can and will be used against you.


----------



## AmericanStand

Is There anyone else here that when they come on and say this conversation will be recorded says no ?


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## whiterock

Not a problem, just speak UP.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## whiterock

I live on a limestone ridge. The last 22 years I taught school I was at the school behind me and and a lot lower elevation. When I had a bad day, I told folks I was going home to get above all this.


----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


>


I don't watch much youtube or regular tv. DH does though and from sitting down with him I now know that there are places in Canada that have open season on peacocks, dumpster diving is an artform and appears to be lucrative and you can't be TOO CAUTIOUS when cutting down a tree...

It's raining, sleeting and thundering here now so got to procure more hot tea and more dry wood for the stove.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

AmericanStand said:


> Is There anyone else here that when they come on and say this conversation will be recorded says no ?


That would depend on the circumstances.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

If the Chinese chef adds MSG to your meal even though you ask him not to add. Any could you call it wonton disregard of your wishes.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

I am so much in debt, I can start a government.


----------



## ydderf

A grandma is shopping with her grandson. The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: “Degree, put the toy back!” A woman who is shopping nearby hears this and asks if that is his name. The grandma replies “Yes. I sent his mother to the university ... and this is what she brought back.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

1:18 run time
I wish I had one of these:


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?




A: Because the ‘p’ is silent.


----------



## nehimama

Amazing!


----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


> Amazing!


There's always one at every picnic. Time for a tick search!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Bret

Referring to post 1135, Were you humorous in uniform? 

This thread satisfies my want to grin continuously.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## mzgarden

Exercise.....Eggs-er-cise.....Eggs-ar-size....Eggs-are-sides (for bacon)


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Arkansas finally gets Uber!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## light rain

alida said:


> View attachment 76270


Yep, past time to grill something here in z4...


----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


>


My father did my hair and he NEVER understood how uncomfortable it was because he was almost bald by the time I was born... That poor monkey!


----------



## AmericanStand

light rain said:


> My father did my hair and he NEVER understood how uncomfortable it was because he was almost bald by the time I was born... That poor monkey!


 Or was it revenge ?


----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


> Arkansas finally gets Uber!


My father use to sit up in the bed of the Datsun pickup. Looked strange, but he wanted to. Never got pulled over back in the 70's...


----------



## light rain

AmericanStand said:


> Or was it revenge ?


Possibly, but I don't think so. I think he just didn't realize it hurt. Now, if it took place in the late '60s, when I really developed a mouth and back talk, possibly...


----------



## AmericanStand

Lol in the 70 we could get 20 kids in the back of a pickup!
Heck we got over 20 kids in a mustang 8 in the trunk !


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

do they bury deceased chiropractors in cracker boxes ?


----------



## ydderf

Nehimama you torture us diabetics, my mouth waters just looking at the pic.


----------



## haypoint

A man's wife just had a baby and after thanking the doctor he sheepishly pulled him aside and asked, "How soon will we be able to have sex?" The doctor winked and said, "I'm off duty in 20 minutes, meet me in the parking lot."


----------



## Evons hubby

I'm so sorry I called the police when I saw you running thru the park..... I had no idea anyone would do that for fun!


----------



## haypoint

Things have gotten so bad that now Blonds are telling AOC jokes.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


I know my car and myself. At our age things don't always work right. My car? Gas gauge only works when I just filled up... Me? I can no longer trust a fart! I've learned both these things the hard way!


----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


>



In WI only the 1st type. The second type froze to death...


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nchobbyfarm

Behind every angry woman, stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


Angelic demon or maybe mischievous angel?


----------



## nehimama

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Angelic demon or maybe mischievous angel?


About half and half.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama

*Hubble Telescope Discovers Giant Amelia Earhart Statue On Distant Planet*


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Here in NE Arkansas, drivers are cautioned to watch out for wild tractor drivers.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## AmericanStand

Lol If you sit down next to someone in public and they say did you bring the money? Answer yes and hand them you’re empty lunch bag !


----------



## IndyDave

Qu


AmericanStand said:


> Lol If you sit down next to someone in public and they say did you bring the money? Answer yes and hand them you’re empty lunch bag !


Quite a few years back I was working as a flagman. I so happened to be positioned in front of a bridge with a hill between me and the work area giving the appearance that I was by myself stopping traffic for no apparent reason. I could be creative addressing the confusion of passers by. In one case, I walked over to the car, presented my outstretched hand, and said,"I work for the troll under the bridge. I'm here to collect." She handed me her sandwich wrapper from Subway.


----------



## haypoint

IndyDave said:


> Qu
> 
> Quite a few years back I was working as a flagman. I so happened to be positioned in front of a bridge with a hill between me and the work area giving the appearance that I was by myself stopping traffic for no apparent reason. I could be creative addressing the confusion of passers by. In one case, I walked over to the car, presented my outstretched hand, and said,"I work for the troll under the bridge. I'm here to collect." She handed me her sandwich wrapper from Subway.


In many jobs dealing with the public, you get the same questions over and over. There is a temptation to come up with humorous replies. Often it turns out badly.
When Michigan was dealing with Emerald Ash Borer, no firewood brought into the Upper Peninsula. Signs all along the expressway detailing this ban. But still people brought firewood, threatening the millions of Ash trees. So their firewood was confiscated, put in a sealed dumpster. Later it was hauled to the Lower Peninsula and burned. Nearly everyone that had their firewood confiscated asked, " Well what do you do with it?" After detailing the process the hundredth time, there was the temptation to be funny, " I heat my house with it." or "I give it to my cousin and he sells it back to tourists." Wrong!
A woman I know works on Mackinac Island, a popular tourist stop, accessible only by a 5 mile ferry ride. But housing is limited so she lives in a nearby town. She's often is asked if she lives on the island. Reasonable question, answered, " No I live in St. Ignace." Butt the next question is often, " You take the ferry every day?" Seems sort of obvious. So she would reply, " No, I generally swim the 5 miles." Never as funny as you might think.


----------



## IndyDave

haypoint said:


> In many jobs dealing with the public, you get the same questions over and over. There is a temptation to come up with humorous replies. Often it turns out badly.
> When Michigan was dealing with Emerald Ash Borer, no firewood brought into the Upper Peninsula. Signs all along the expressway detailing this ban. But still people brought firewood, threatening the millions of Ash trees. So their firewood was confiscated, put in a sealed dumpster. Later it was hauled to the Lower Peninsula and burned. Nearly everyone that had their firewood confiscated asked, " Well what do you do with it?" After detailing the process the hundredth time, there was the temptation to be funny, " I heat my house with it." or "I give it to my cousin and he sells it back to tourists." Wrong!
> A woman I know works on Mackinac Island, a popular tourist stop, accessible only by a 5 mile ferry ride. But housing is limited so she lives in a nearby town. She's often is asked if she lives on the island. Reasonable question, answered, " No I live in St. Ignace." Butt the next question is often, " You take the ferry every day?" Seems sort of obvious. So she would reply, " No, I generally swim the 5 miles." Never as funny as you might think.


I almost always had good outcomes with humor. In my experience if I could keep them laughing they were too busy to start thinking of things I did not want them doing.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## popscott




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

A couple squirrels were getting into the church. Often they would be seen during services and caused a disruption. The pastor sought a solution.
He didn't want to kill them, but needed to stop the disruption.

The pastor was able to live trap them, baptize them, make them members of the church.
That solved the problem, now they only show up at Easter and Christmas.


----------



## IndyDave

My brother just called me. He stopped by the farm and the calf scared him. He said he thought I had a milk cow, not a bull with horns that would try to attack him. I had to explain that she didn't want to attack him, she wanted scratched. He continued that he thought if it had horns it is a bull. I then had to explain that cows have horns too but most people have them burned off, but as I see it, God put then there for a reason, like coyotes for example.


----------



## ydderf

There was a new mummy found in Egypt seems it was intact when they opened the sarcophagus they found a mummified body but it was surrounded by nuts and chocolate.





it is ferro rocher


----------



## AmericanStand

IndyDave said:


> My brother just called me. He stopped by the farm and the calf scared him. He said he thought I had a milk cow, not a bull with horns that would try to attack him. I had to explain that she didn't want to attack him, she wanted scratched. He continued that he thought if it had horns it is a bull. I then had to explain that cows have horns too but most people have them burned off, but as I see it, God put then there for a reason, like coyotes for example.


 Are used to help out on a dairy farm just outside of Philadelphia Pennsylvania. Little town of West Grove. The people that owned the place were very friendly and often brought people home from church to get a taste of farm life And socialize.
Traditionally Sundays the grand kids and I would do the milking
It got us out of Sunday school And evening services.
One Sunday they brought home a family with very sweet and cute 15-year-old girl.
She jumped right in to help with the milking so we explained and showed her what to do. Occasionally some of the cows had had an accident or a winter freeze and was missing a teat.
We showed her how you simply folded the cups over the milker palm and went on about business.
We forgot to explain that the bull comes through with the rest of the cows and is simply fed.
Oops
Our biggest mistake was to spend a couple seconds laughing before trying to get everything turned loose the bull nearly destroyed that half of the milking parlor.
After we did explain it I don’t believe I’ve ever seen as red a white girl. 
The Gouges no longer milk in west grove pa but that bull and milking parlor will live forever in my families history.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## popscott

AmericanStand said:


> Our biggest mistake was to spend a couple seconds laughing before trying to get everything turned loose the bull nearly destroyed that half of the milking parlor.


Feel lucky the bull did not just stand there until he was milked dry...


----------



## Redlands Okie

He may have, then got frustrated and tore up the parlor


----------



## nehimama

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=2151289368294596


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Evons hubby

Or.... "Here's yer sign".


----------



## Shine

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Or.... "Here's yer sign".


I've always liked the reply "You want ketchup where?" since it's been getting harder for me to hear what people say....


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## haypoint

AmericanStand said:


> Not funny cause there are lots of reasonable alternative answers ,since it’s a reasonable logical question that type of reply is seen as a ignorant ( as it is) attempt to belittle.


Hit a nerve, did I? In my comment I thought I made it clear that after repeatedly answering what should be obvious, there is the temptation to be a smart butt. It is funny. Sort of like the old joke: " A teenager is dragging a tow chain down the sidewalk. A man sees this and asked the teenager, "Why are you pulling that chain?" The teen replied, " Because it is too hard to push it." Perhaps when someone asks, " You lived here all your life." the correct answer is " No, just up to now."

Often, when people ignored the newspaper articles, radio news reports and highway billboards and come across the Mackinac Bridge with firewood, placing millions of trees in jeopardy, after being required to forfeit their bundle of firewood, their question, " What do you do with it?" isn't motivated by an interest in learning. It is the opening volley in a verbal battle. It is an insinuation that the government has some sort of ulterior motive that they seek to uncover. Over and over the explanation is detailed, in response to their question and over and over, they don't really listen, don't really care. They just want to express their anger.

I've had tourists stop their car in front of my house, honk their horn when they see me out doing chores. In an attempt to be polite, I walk over to their car. Rather than hear their expression of the natural beauty around us, they want to know what I do to make a living out here in the boon docks. Intentional or unintentional, it's insulting. So, there is the temptation to make something up, "I run a Meth Lab." or "I sell eggs, do a bit of landscaping and every now and then I rob tourists."


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Ever wish you had one of these?:


----------



## AmericanStand

By the way and more in line with this thread ,our purpose in building the submarine was not only to make the ride to work different but the great fun that we were going to have shooting smoke torpedoes at the various water caft that plyed the passage way.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

AmericanStand said:


> Yes you hit a nerve *I hate it* *when *I ask somebody a reasonable question and they are so stupid that they think that the way they do it is the only way it can be done.


I hate it when people make up fairy tales.


----------



## haypoint

AmericanStand said:


> I think that when people ask you how you make a living out there it’s not really an insult it’s actually a testament to what they perceive as your genius


Perhaps.
But it starts off when they honk their horn to summon me. That sets a tone. So their "what do you do to earn a living?" is far too personal and sounds like, " There is no way that I'd ever want to be stuck out in the middle of nowhere, nothing to do, no Mall, no Walmart, no theatre, no jobs, scant infrastructure, what draws you to this forsaken wilderness and how could you possibly support yourself?"

How would I be perceived if I drove to their neighborhood and honked my car's horn until they came out to talk to me? How would they respond to a knock on their door and my inquiry, "What do you do for a job to be able to afford this house?" Open and honest explanation? I think not.

People don't think before they speak, asking stupid questions. To make it worse, they seldom listen to the explanations anyway.

There are three kinds of people. Those that pay attention and those that don't pay attention.


----------



## dsmythe

I have a friend who has a contract with the DNR here in GA. He relocates coyotes. He had one in the cage in the back of his truck one day and had stopped to buy gas and get some snacks at a local filling station. A lady was there also to get gas. She asked him what he did with the coyotes. He is a trickster anyway and told her that he sells them to local Chinese Restaurants. It din't take long, when he got home one of the local game wardens called. She wanted to know WHY he did that. You can't make this stuff up. Dsmythe


----------



## Evons hubby

dsmythe said:


> I have a friend who has a contract with the DNR here in GA. He relocates coyotes. He had one in the cage in the back of his truck one day and had stopped to buy gas and get some snacks at a local filling station. A lady was there also to get gas. She asked him what he did with the coyotes. He is a trickster anyway and told her that he sells them to local Chinese Restaurants. It din't take long, when he got home one of the local game wardens called.* She wanted to know WHY he did that. *You can't make this stuff up. Dsmythe


because they pay more than Taco Bell?


----------



## Seth

AmericanStand said:


> Not funny cause there are lots of reasonable alternative answers ,since it’s a reasonable logical question that type of reply is seen as aN ignorant ( as it is) attempt to belittle.


FIFY, you're welcome. The "a" made you look ignorant. Seth


----------



## AmericanStand

Thank you but spelling is A fake thing , A total waste of brain power used to belittle the non-compliant and non-photographic minded and I am not the least bit embarrassed by being ignorant of its illogical structures.


----------



## AmericanStand

haypoint said:


> Perhaps.
> But it starts off when they honk their horn to summon me. That sets a tone. So their "what do you do to earn a living?" is far too personal and sounds like, " There is no way that I'd ever want to be stuck out in the middle of nowhere, nothing to do, no Mall, no Walmart, no theatre, no jobs, scant infrastructure, what draws you to this forsaken wilderness and how could you possibly support yourself?"
> 
> How would I be perceived if I drove to their neighborhood and honked my car's horn until they came out to talk to me? How would they respond to a knock on their door and my inquiry, "What do you do for a job to be able to afford this house?" Open and honest explanation? I think not.
> 
> People don't think before they speak, asking stupid questions. To make it worse, they seldom listen to the explanations anyway.
> 
> There are three kinds of people. Those that pay attention and those that don't pay attention.


Lol oh yeah ?
Well I gotta agree...
Except for that responding to a horn and A honk thing I can’t even get my dog to do that. 

I was 16 and on one of my first car dates ,the young lady in question said pull up I’ll be right out if I’m not honk so that I know you’re there 

She didn’t mention her dad .

I didn’t get a chance to honk as I pulled up and sat there for a second he came busting out of the door yanked the car door open and said son if you want to live get your butt up to the door and knock like a gentleman. 
I was duely impressed and it seemed like a very good idea at the time .
And you know what it seemed like good advice ever since.


----------



## haypoint

AmericanStand said:


> Thank you but spelling is A fake thing , A total waste of brain power used to be little the non-compliant at nonphotographic and I am not the least bit embarrassed by being ignorant of its illogical structures.


I find that if you try you can find humor in all sorts of ways. Does anyone else see that in a 63 page discussion about the need for some humor, over a thousand entries, mostly jokes, one person runs to this discussion to throw his wet blanket." Need some humor here" is an apt title when some folks act like they can't get the sour out of their attitude. Too funny.


----------



## Evons hubby

AmericanStand said:


> Lol oh yeah ?
> Well I gotta agree...
> Except for that responding to a horn and A honk thing I can’t even get my dog to do that.
> 
> I was 16 and on one of my first car dates ,the young lady in question said pull up I’ll be right out if I’m not honk so that I know you’re there
> 
> She didn’t mention her dad .
> 
> I didn’t get a chance to honk as I pulled up and sat there for a second he came busting out of the door yanked the car door open and said son if you want to live get your butt up to the door and knock like a gentleman.
> I was duely impressed and it seemed like a very good idea at the time .
> And you know what it seemed like good advice ever since.


Yep, good manners are a sound practice nearly every time.


----------



## AmericanStand

Somewhere there is a cartoon of Colonel Sanders laying on the ground with two vultures over him and the chicken the chicken says to the vultures I know it’s an imposition guys but this is Colonel Sanders and today I am a vulture


----------



## FreeRange

Bearfootfarm said:


> Ever wish you had one of these?:
> View attachment 76408


Yep, I need one of those. But with my luck, I'd shift my weight, the drawer would slide in, flipping me off onto my head.


----------



## Shine

Bearfootfarm said:


> Ever wish you had one of these?:


Absolutely not. That's one o those contraptions that sends me to the hospital with an explanation that causes the medical attendants to look at me strange.


----------



## [email protected]

am I on the right thread ? need some humor , or is this a discussion thread now ?
PM each other and leave this thread alone..


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

Researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
pillock = stupid person-for those without a dictionary


----------



## ydderf

*Government Pipe Specifications.*


All pipes are to be made of a large hole surrounded by metal or plastic around the hole.


All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes that are different length than the pipe.


The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipes must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter), otherwise the hole will be on the outside.


All pipes are to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside later.


All pipes should be supplied without rust. This can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes if required in your area. This will save time on the job site if used.


All pipes over 500 feet (153 meters) in length should have the words ‘Long Pipe’ clearly painted on each end so the contractor will know it is a long pipe. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 Kilometer), must have the words ‘Long Pipe’ in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine if it is a long or short pipe.


All pipes over 60 inches (152mm) in diameter must have the words ‘Large Pipe’ painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.


Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts around the edge, separate from the big hole in the middle.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

View attachment 76418


----------



## IndyDave

ydderf said:


> *Government Pipe Specifications.*
> 
> 
> All pipes are to be made of a large hole surrounded by metal or plastic around the hole.
> 
> 
> All pipes are to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes that are different length than the pipe.
> 
> 
> The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipes must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter), otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
> 
> 
> All pipes are to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside later.
> 
> 
> All pipes should be supplied without rust. This can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes if required in your area. This will save time on the job site if used.
> 
> 
> All pipes over 500 feet (153 meters) in length should have the words ‘Long Pipe’ clearly painted on each end so the contractor will know it is a long pipe. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 Kilometer), must have the words ‘Long Pipe’ in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine if it is a long or short pipe.
> 
> 
> All pipes over 60 inches (152mm) in diameter must have the words ‘Large Pipe’ painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
> 
> 
> Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts around the edge, separate from the big hole in the middle.


You forgot to tell us what kind of holes invent government specifications!


----------



## ydderf

In Canada it would be Eh! holes


----------



## AmericanStand

[email protected] said:


> am I on the right thread ? need some humor , or is this a discussion thread now ?
> PM each other and leave this thread alone..


Lol shouldn’t that have been a Pm ?


----------



## IndyDave

AmericanStand said:


> Lol shouldn’t that have been a Pm ?


No, he posted in the AM.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

the Shopko store has a sign on the building in 3 foot high letters.. GOING OUT OF BUSINESS.

Right below it is a slightly smaller sign .NOW HIRING

true story here in Wausau, WIsc.


----------



## popscott

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 76418


This little guy must be getting the hole truth and nothing butt the truth....


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

cm'on I ordered peanuts last week


----------



## [email protected]

popscott said:


> This little guy must be getting the hole truth and nothing butt the truth....
> 
> 
> View attachment 76420


If dogs have such keen noses, why do they have to get so close ??


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.


----------



## ydderf

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.


----------



## ydderf

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


----------



## ydderf

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


----------



## ydderf

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

popscott said:


> This little guy must be getting the hole truth and nothing butt the truth....
> View attachment 76420


In depth investigation.


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## AmericanStand

IndyDave said:


> No, he posted in the AM.


I see I got my time wrong 
So it must be time for a beer.


----------



## AmericanStand

Did you know that beer will fix anything?
After any accident be sure to hand one to the other guy


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## IndyDave

nehimama said:


>


Senator Walsh can put that in her pipe and smoke it!


----------



## haypoint

IndyDave said:


> Senator Walsh can put that in her pipe and smoke it!


No, that would be Elizabeth (Pocahontas) Warren. Unless you are Native American, putting anything in your pipe and smoking it would be culture appropriation. Hee hee.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

*Senator Maureen Walsh receives ‘about 1,700’ decks of cards after nurse comments*

*







*


----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

With distributing them to nurses be the right thing to do?


Naw I didn’t think so .....


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Percussive maintenance:


----------



## AmericanStand

If you were mean you would cut that foot off to teach him a lesson .if you were really mean you would sell it to your next-door neighbor has a lucky rabbits foot!



Please folks don’t try this at home .


----------



## IndyDave

AmericanStand said:


> If you were mean you would cut that foot off to teach him a lesson .if you were really mean you would sell it to your next-door neighbor has a lucky rabbits foot!
> 
> 
> 
> Please folks don’t try this at home .


Did you ever wonder why a rabbit's foot is considered good luck? It obviously didn't do the rabbit any good.


----------



## D-BOONE

Thunderstorm
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."


----------



## D-BOONE

If 50 percent of marriages end in divorce the other half must end in death. 

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred 

My wife said "I think it's time we heard the pitter patter of little feet again. So I bought her a puppy. 

One time when I was talking to my mom's co-worker he said that he had no friends. He said that all of his friends were either married or dead. And my friend who is with me says to him "What's the difference?" 

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere !!!!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## D-BOONE

*A Life's Mystery*



One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds


----------



## D-BOONE

*Trump Evidence*



*Q:* What proof is there that Donald Trump is racist and sexist?

*A:* He beat a woman badly in his run for the presidency and threw a black family out of a white house.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## D-BOONE

*Texting at 70*



An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."


----------



## D-BOONE

A small Irish Coffin maker who was also a bit of a prankster was on his way to deliver a coffin one evening when his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

An Irish policemen saw him and said, "Hey, where did you get that coffin and where are you going?”

The man replied, “I didn't like where I was buried so I'm relocating.”


----------



## D-BOONE

*Some Things Don't Change*



The king wanted to go fishing, so he called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain so the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area." The king was polite and considerate, he replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain. "So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. The practice is unbroken to this date which is why the donkey remains as the democratic party logo.


----------



## [email protected]

I never minded going to work in the morning,
waiting 8 hours to go home is what I hated..


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or ...friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I sang like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….


----------



## AmericanStand

IndyDave said:


> Did you ever wonder why a rabbit's foot is considered good luck? It obviously didn't do the rabbit any good.


Yeah and he had four of them


----------



## AmericanStand

Bedtime stories for single moms ,
Once upon a time the single moms son brought her A Enormous frog.
She kissed it 1 million times and it never did turn into a prince but it rubbed her feet after work and paid The bills with it’s platinum card.
And they lived happily ever after


----------



## AmericanStand

AmericanStand said:


> Bedtime stories for single moms ,
> Once upon a time the single moms son brought her A Enormous frog.
> She kissed it 1 million times and it never did turn into a prince but it rubbed her feet after work and paid The bills with it’s platinum card.
> And they lived happily ever after


The same bedtime story in the porno version.
Once upon a time the single moms Son brought her this great big huge 
Frog 
She kissed it once. Nothing happened so she took it to her bedroom where late at night it rubbed her 
Feet 
In the morning without saying a word it got up early paid her bills and left


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


That really happened.
https://www.nbc4i.com/news/u-s-world/police-go-viral-for-crying-over-burned-donut-truck/1682145757


----------



## nehimama

Bearfootfarm said:


> That really happened.
> https://www.nbc4i.com/news/u-s-world/police-go-viral-for-crying-over-burned-donut-truck/1682145757


LOL! I didn't know that.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


> LOL! I didn't know that.


It was tragic.
Only the holes were saved.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

Goose skywalker


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## D-BOONE

“Politics” is derived from the words “poly” meaning “many”, and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking parasites.”


----------



## D-BOONE

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."


----------



## D-BOONE

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.


----------



## D-BOONE

Starbucks is offering a new drink to honor Nancy Pelosi. They call it the "fullacrapuccino".

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?
A: Elvis has been sighted.


----------



## D-BOONE

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is needed


----------



## D-BOONE

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?


----------



## D-BOONE

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.
There was one exception.
A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat." "Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?" "Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl.
The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican.
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking.
My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason!
What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron?
What would you be then?" The teacher paused and smiled.
"Then," Lucy said, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."


----------



## haypoint

I was standing in the Walmart checkout line with a bag of dog food. A woman standing behind me asked, " You have a dog?" I thought, "What a stupid question." So I replied, " I'm going back on the Dog Food Diet. It is nutritionally balanced. I just carry some in a pocket and eat when ever I get hungry. I know I shouldn't. The last time I did, I lost 50 pounds, but woke up in intensive care with IVs and all that." By this time a few other shoppers were listening intently.

She asked, "Why did you end up in the hospital? Did the dog food poison you?" I answered, " No, I stepped off the curb to sniff a Poodle's but and was hit by a truck."


----------



## roadless




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## nehimama

roadless said:


>


LOL!


----------



## Shine

nehimama said:


>


That's sick. So that's how the other party gathers voters... Once you see them right side up, you can't go beck...


----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama

It just doesn't add up!


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## nehimama




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## IndyDave

nehimama said:


> It just doesn't add up!


That math is a killer!


----------



## nehimama




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## alida




----------



## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## Shine

nehimama said:


> It just doesn't add up!


...took two glances before it made sense.


----------



## nehimama




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## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




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## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## ydderf




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf




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## ydderf

I've been mugged!


----------



## nchobbyfarm

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.


----------



## popscott




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## popscott




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## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## Irish Pixie

"Hurray, Hurray! The First of May! Outdoor loving begins today!"


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


When I can't sleep at night, it's usually because I slept all day.


----------



## dsmythe

Irish Pixie said:


> "Hurray, Hurray! The First of May! Outdoor loving begins today!"


AND Irish Pixie it is the start of "The Birthday Season" for me. My birthday is May 7. I always tease my wife about this. We start the celebration TODAY!


----------



## whiterock

My DD doesn't celebrate her birthday, she does her birth month. Sometimes it carries over till the next month.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

If two vegetarians have a fight is it still called a beef?


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## IndyDave

nehimama said:


>


Would that be a sharp and pointed relationship?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


Well, that was *before *he got his brain, so.........


----------



## ydderf




----------



## alida




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## nehimama




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## alida




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## ydderf

When you are bored---- Points to ponder Cute but who has time to be bored...

When you are bored, just think about a few things that don’t make sense ... like ;

1. If a poison use by date expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
2. Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?
3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
7. The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”
8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
9. If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them.
Six great confusions still unresolved
1. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?
2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
3. Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

And now sixer ... Vagaries of English Language! Enjoy!!!

- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
-Why isn’t a Fireman called a Water-man?
- How come Lipstick doesn’t do what it says?
- If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?
- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
- How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?
-Why is it called ‘Rush Hour’ when traffic moves at its slowest then?
- How come Noses run and Feet smell?
- Why do they call it a TV ‘set’ when there is only one?
- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
Who thinks of this stuff...


----------



## Nimrod

I can never remember, when is Cinco de Mayo this year?


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

A Wisconsin church has gained 6,000 members since it began distributing marijuana to the congregation as a worship sacrament. 



Everyone's favorite hymn is Amazing Grass


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

View attachment 76588


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama

Take note of the clawed-up chair! LOL!


----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


> Americans Favor Fifteen Dollars an Hour for Congress


That wouldn't be fair.
They should be paid what they are worth.











I'd say about $2.50 tops, and all the same benefits as anyone else on Social Security.


----------



## AmericanStand

ydderf said:


> When you are bored---- Points to ponder Cute but who has time to be bored...
> 
> When you are bored, just think about a few things that don’t make sense ... like ;
> 4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?
> 
> ..


 Wow Ive fought this one in school for my kid BECAUSE W IS UURONG it should look like UU!
Deneialian was a fool.


----------



## alida




----------



## [email protected]

I fail to see the humor ..


----------



## alida




----------



## wr

Please use thread as intended


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.


----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


> Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.


I would, but it's hard to find porn that makes me look good!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama

Yvonne's hubby said:


> I would, but it's hard to find porn that makes me look good!


*snerk*


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## roadless

https://images.app.goo.gl/1UqGGRTzdkNtAWeCA

Someday I will get the hang of posting stuff here.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

roadless said:


> Someday I will get the hang of posting stuff here.


There are two ways to get that image here.
One is to "save image as..." on your computer, then "drag and drop" it to the reply window.

The second way is to find the link to the image that ends with "jpg, jpeg, png" etc, and paste that here enclosed by these codes: [IM G] [/IM G] (without the spaces within the brackets)

If the forum software was working properly, you could use the "image" icon on the toolbar and insert this link from your picture: (I've added some spaces so it will be visible)
https: //pics.me.me/rock-n-roll-bands-for-folks-your-age-lakes-nh-31814968. png

Here is that same link, enclosed by the IMG brackets:


----------



## roadless

Thanks Bff, I tried the image link but it didn't work so I tried cut and paste.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

roadless said:


> I tried the image link but it didn't work so I tried cut and paste.


The image link has to end in the proper code for an image (jpg, jpeg, gif, png..)
The one you posted was a link to the page but not to the image itself.
https://images.app.goo.gl/1UqGGRTzdkNtAWeCA

To find the needed link I used the link you posted, right-clicked on the image itself and chose "open image in new tab". Then I was able to see the properly coded image link:

https://pics.me.me/rock-n-roll-bands-for-folks-your-age-lakes-nh-31814968.*png*

The end codes have to be one meant specifically for an image for it to work within the brackets


----------



## roadless

Ohhhhhhhh......said Edith Bunker style.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

To do the "drag and drop" I right click on the picture I want and choose "save image as..." and download it to my desktop.

Then with then forum reply window on the screen, I open "desktop", click on the file and while holding the mouse button, I drag it into the reply box.

You may have to reduce the size of the windows to have both visible and it *must* be dropped *within* the box to work. 

It helps a lot to have a link to your desktop on your toolbar so you don't have to close the forum window to find the image.

When placed properly you will see a little box that has a "+" and says "copy" and the reply box turns gray. (Windows 7)
It may be slightly different with another OS, but should still be similar
If it doesn't work you may feel compelled to... :


----------



## Bearfootfarm

roadless said:


> Ohhhhhhhh......said Edith Bunker style.


It took me a long time to figure it all out, and there was a lot of trial and error.
I tend to be persistent though.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Also, it's only been six months now that I've had something other than AOL dial-up, so a lot of this stuff is new to me.


----------



## roadless

Bearfootfarm said:


> I tend to be persistent though.


Good quality, I tend to give up somewhat quickly with technology....or I ask a 9 year old.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

roadless said:


> Good quality


Sometimes..........
It's been known to get me in trouble.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## alida




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## roadless

ydderf said:


>


My daughter often threatens to tie a balloon to my wrist when we go shopping so she can find me.
She towers over me.


----------



## haypoint

OK, I've given up trying to get back to my original weight. Come to think of it getting back to 8 pounds is a bit unrealistic.


----------



## haypoint

I just burned 2000 calories. That's that last time I'm taking a nap with brownies in the oven.


----------



## Nimrod

ydderf said:


>


I knew I'd seen IP's picture somewhere else before this forum.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

roadless said:


> My daughter often threatens to tie a balloon to my wrist when we go shopping so she can find me.


If she gets enough of them you can float along at her eye level.


----------



## ydderf

The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?”

Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.”

The pastor is still laughing.


----------



## ydderf

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”

She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Speaking of "balloons":


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint

A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, trusts the number 5. 
One day a friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. 
Sure enough, the horse came in fifth.


----------



## haypoint

I was out burning ditches with my wife this morning. She got stung on the forehead by a bee. We are in the Emergency Room. Her face all swollen and bruised. She almost died. Lucky I was close enough to smack the bee with my shovel.


----------



## nehimama

haypoint said:


> Sure enough, the horse came in fifth.


Ha ha! Wasn't expecting that!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## roadless




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint

Most guys under 50 seek a woman with a nice figure. But after 50, its time to find a woman that knows the signs of a heart attack.


----------



## IndyDave

ydderf said:


> The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?”
> 
> Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.”
> 
> The pastor is still laughing.


I had to pay close attention. At first, since you are Canadian, when you said "minister", I wasn't sure whether you meant the head of a division of government or a preacher!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Speaking of Thor:


----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
-
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.


----------



## ydderf

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that means he will not bother me anymore.


----------



## ydderf

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”
-
Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”


----------



## ydderf

One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint

I can't wait until we are all in Nursing Homes, writing graffiti on bathroom walls about the staff, that they can't read because it is in cursive.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 76746


Oh, No-o-o-o-o-o!!!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.
I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint

At first I thought that I'd forgotten how to throw a boomerang....


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint

A woman walked into the Bar with a duck under her arm.
The Bartender looked up and yelled, Hey, we don't serve pigs in this Bar!"
The woman snapped back," What kind of idiot are you, that's no pig, that's a duck."
The Bartender replied, "I was talking to the duck."


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

Sonad, I want to get married.
Dad: Say you are sorry.
Son: What? Why?
Dad Say you are sorry.
Son: That's crazy, what do you mean?
Dad: Say you are sorry.
Son: What did I do?
Dad: Say you are sorry.
Son: I don't understand.
Dad: Say you are sorry.
Son: OK I'm sorry.
Dad: Now that you can say you are sorry for something you have no idea what you did, you are ready to be married.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Why do I do this!?!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

A young pretty blonde girl was pulled over for speedein.
The officer was also a young pretty blonde girl.
Officer: You were speeding, may I see your license ?
Driver: Oh, what does it look like ?
Officer: It is about 2"x 3" rectangle with your picture on it.
Driver: digs through her purse and pulls out a small mirror. This must be it, there is my picture..
Officer: takes it and looks. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were an officer, too ..


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## alida




----------



## haypoint

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. 
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't... seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. 
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.' To which the wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too.”


----------



## ydderf

A little known fact-the Titanic on it's maiden voyage was carrying 10 tons of Hellman's mayonnaise(at that time it was made in England only) destined for the port of Vera Cruz Mexico which was to be Titanic's second port of call. As we all know the Titanic went down in mid-Atlantic in April 1912. Leaving the Mexican people with hearts filled with sorrow because of the lack of mayonnaise. Ever since the loss of the titanic the Mexican people have mourned the sinking of the Titanic with a national holiday the "Cinco de Mayo"


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## ydderf

Sunday school teacher to little Johnny "Johnny do you say prayers before eating"? Johnny responded with "no Mam my mother is a good cook"!


----------



## ydderf

There is a new wine on the market made with anti diuretic grapes it is called Pinot more.


----------



## [email protected]

there is a new wine here in Wisc. , too..
I wanna spear fish too...


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint

I hate it when people accuse me of lolly gagging, when I'm clearly dilly dallying.


----------



## Shine

haypoint said:


> I hate it when people accuse me of lolly gagging, when I'm clearly dilly dallying.


Dilly dilly!


----------



## hardrock

Don't think I posted this, did a search, nothing. Thought it was funny


----------



## nehimama

hardrock said:


> Don't think I posted this, did a search, nothing. Thought it was funny


That fellow cracks me up!


----------



## Bearfootfarm

It all sounds familiar somehow............


----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

Feel's like the guy needs to take one N off his shirt.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Evons hubby

ydderf said:


>


Love the license plate!


----------



## nehimama

ydderf said:


>


WE NEED A "LOVE" BUTTON!


----------



## Shine

What year is this, anyway?


----------



## Evons hubby

Shine said:


> What year is this, anyway?


What year would you like it to be?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Shine said:


> What year is this, anyway?


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Evons hubby

ydderf said:


>


Which train has the pretty women on board?


----------



## Seth

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Which train has the pretty women on board?


If you and I are on one train, they are on the other one


----------



## ydderf

Had a beer with a retired Warrant Officer last night in our Legion. Of course with beer came philosophy the Warrant Officers philosophy about life was simple the glass is either half full or broken.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe

nehimama said:


>


Nehimama;
You can tell I am on the level....The Bubble is in the MIDDLE. Dsmythe


----------



## StL.Ed

dsmythe said:


> Nehimama;
> You can tell I am on the level....The Bubble is in the MIDDLE. Dsmythe


Well, the right one is, but the left one is "a little off". (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


Lol I made a set of those for my Gf and I years ago. 
You did notice they are couples jewelry didn’t you ?
A teacher asked me to make her one. 
She never noticed we drilled hers out and replaced the fluid with silicone .
She was always off plumb.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## nehimama

Irish Pixie said:


>


And that's right~


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Bret

alida said:


> View attachment 76788


Near and far, we have all been that child. It helps when we see the new ones.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## mreynolds

nehimama said:


>


Don't forget, 10 miles to the outhouse by Willie Makit and Betty Dont.


----------



## Irish Pixie

Upstate New York.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## RenoHuskerDu

haypoint said:


> In many jobs dealing with the public, you get the same questions over and over. There is a temptation to come up with humorous replies. Often it turns out badly.
> SNIP


I once new a senior CHP with a great sense of humor, couldn't stop joking. As you may know, when local PD is involved in a traffic accident, the State Police conduct the investigation, for greater impartiality. Well, a local cop had run into the back of a lady's car at a stop sign, clearly the cop's fault, and Harry the CHP came to investigate. His first question to the lady that got hit was

"How fast were you going when you backed into the police car?" intended as a joke.

Well, she fainted. Harry got reprimanded. But man, what a great story for the grandkids.


----------



## po boy

RenoHuskerDu said:


> I once new a senior CHP with a great sense of humor, couldn't stop joking. As you may know, when local PD is involved in a traffic accident, the State Police conduct the investigation, for greater impartiality. Well, a local cop had run into the back of a lad's car at a stop sign, clearly the cop's fault, and Harry the CHP came to investigate. His first question to the lady that got hit was
> 
> "How fast were you going when you backed into the police car?" intended as a joke.
> 
> Well, she fainted. Harry got reprimanded. But man, what a great story for the grandkids.


That reminds me.............. Many years ago, on the way home I was the second auto back from a stop sign when the car ahead of me went I pulled up to the stop sign, stopped and was immediately hit in the rear knocking me out into the road. It was a police auto and the cop walks up to my window and says "I thought you went on" my reply THE SIGN SAYS STOP! They paid.


----------



## [email protected]

mreynolds said:


> Don't forget, 10 miles to the outhouse by Willie Makit and Betty Dont.


and: The Yellow River by I.P. Daly


----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe

"Antlers in the Tree Top" By: Hugusta Moose


----------



## AmericanStand

[email protected] said:


> and: The Yellow River by I.P. Daly


I thought I P Freely wrote that?


----------



## ydderf

The secret to a long life...

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. He said. “You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you’ll live to nice ripe old age.”

So, the young cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to be the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died, he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren ... and a 16-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


----------



## ydderf

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.


----------



## nehimama

AmericanStand said:


> I thought I P Freely wrote that?


Hmmm. I always thought it was I.P. Standing.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 76936


Yeah, that hits home.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore.
When you swim in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray.


----------



## AmericanStand

Well as long as it’s not my ding-a-ling-a-ling ...


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## ydderf

A person born in'33 would be 45 in'78.


----------



## mreynolds

ydderf said:


> View attachment 76958
> A person born in'33 would be 45 in'78.


Not many young people would get that. 

I had an older guy tell me though, just so you know.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> I had an older guy tell me though, just so you know.


----------



## [email protected]

I'll bet you looked long and hard until you found an older guy..


----------



## Bearfootfarm

[email protected] said:


> I'll bet you looked long and hard until you found an older guy..


I wish I had thought of that one.


----------



## whiterock

I caught on right quick.


----------



## genebo

AmericanStand said:


> I thought I P Freely wrote that?


Now boys, let's not get into a peeing contest over this.


----------



## RenoHuskerDu




----------



## Nimrod

mreynolds said:


> Don't forget, 10 miles to the outhouse by Willie Makit and Betty Dont.


Updated by Oliver Town


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## mreynolds

nehimama said:


>


That's me.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Ziptie

My youngest just filled out one of those things and gave it to me for Mother's day. One of the lines it asked the kids to fill in their moms favorite hobby. She filled in for me my favorite hobby is .....Sleeping.

I can only imagine what the teacher thinks.


----------



## popscott

mreynolds said:


> That's me.


me two..


----------



## haypoint

I was at a job interview today for a sales position when the manager handed me his laptop and said,

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

He called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Members of Congress leaving for the weekend.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe

nehimama said:


> Members of Congress leaving for the weekend.
> They could Keep the Costumes if they would just NOT RETURN!


----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


 If I had a pool I would so do this ....
I might do it to my pond.
But I think I will paint politicians faces on the. Windows


----------



## po boy




----------



## [email protected]

If a bus load of politicians ended up submerged in a lake, how many would drown ??
Answer: Who cares ??


----------



## nehimama

po boy said:


> View attachment 77014


Well. . . . . . yeah! LOL!


----------



## IndyDave

[email protected] said:


> If a bus load of politicians ended up submerged in a lake, how many would drown ??
> Answer: Who cares ??


Sounds like a good start to me.


----------



## genebo

That's not a tragedy. The tragedy is when there are empty seats on the bus.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Shine

nehimama said:


>


Let's all thank God that more people do not own tasers...


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Shine

Shopping List:
Lite Banamas.
More Bamboo Shoots


----------



## AmericanStand

Have you ever been sitting in traffic when your attention randomly wandered over to a beat up old clunker with 100 battle wounds? 

And then they do something that explains it all perfectly ?


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Irish Pixie

A PSA for this weekend:


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## popscott




----------



## ydderf

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A giraffe’s family reunion is called “necks of kin.”

The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut

When you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

An old grave digger is called an Elderberry

A friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.


----------



## AmericanStand

ydderf said:


> An old grave digger is called an Elderberry.


 Nope In our town he is Bob 
His son is Robert or “ little bob “
Would you really want to be a little Bob working under a gravedigger? Or would you want to find a little Bob under a gravedigger?


----------



## haypoint

AmericanStand said:


> Nope In our town he is Bob
> His son is Robert or “ little bob “
> Would you really want to be a little Bob working under a gravedigger? Or would you want to find a little Bob under a gravedigger?


Did anyone notice the Indy car driver, last name Power? First name Will? No joke, but thought it funny just the same.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## haypoint

People are shocked to discover I'm not a good electrician.


----------



## Evons hubby

haypoint said:


> People are shocked to discover I'm not a good electrician.


Prolly the same people who are surprised that I'm not a good cook!


----------



## haypoint

Question: Would you answer the phone during sex?
Answer: If it was my girlfriend, I would, she's my sweetie.


----------



## haypoint

I dated a woman that told me she likes it rough. I thought she meant the sex, not the relationship.


----------



## [email protected]

someone once asked George Gobel if sex over 70 was safe? he said no, you should pull over and stop the car..


----------



## haypoint

Two silk worms were in a race. It ended in a tie.


----------



## whiterock

you know how many people are not familiar with Lonesome George ?


----------



## haypoint

Cop pulled me over and said, "Papers." I yelled "Scissors!" and drove off.


----------



## haypoint

If you think some of my posts are ridiculous, you should see my life choices.


----------



## haypoint

If you are ever in a hostage situation and the gunman says, "Who shall I shoot first?" Saying, "It's whom shall I shoot first." isn't the right thing to say.


----------



## haypoint

I hate it when a couple is arguing in public and I missed the first part so don't know who's side I'm on.


----------



## AmericanStand

Ever wonder why if you have enough juice to make a zit that you can’t just use it to fill up a wrinkle?


----------



## haypoint

I don't know which pants to put on today.
Fancy or Smarty.


----------



## haypoint

I want on a date with a Blond last night.
She asked, " Do you have any children?"
I replied, "I have one child that's under two."
She said, "I may be Blond, but I know how many one is."


----------



## haypoint

I'd like to thank whoever told my Mom that "***" means "Wow, that's fantastic". Her texts are a whole lot more fun now.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Good judgement comes from experience. 
Experience comes from bad judgement.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

There was a man in Brooks Alberta who wrapped himself completely in brown paper,completely head to toe.



He was arrested and charged with rustling.


----------



## ydderf

"I haven't seen a windshield for hours!" "Well just hold it then"!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

But I did not throw out the vegetables.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## haypoint

Important for us older folks to stay in shape.
Here's a tip. Find an area with plenty of room and a flat surface. Take a 5 pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight out. Hold it for a minute. Relax. Do it again. Repeat as many times as you can.

Do this every day. Then do it with a 10 pound potato bag. Then a 50 pound bag. Once you get good at that, try adding a potato to the bag.


----------



## haypoint

If you take all your former lovers and line them up, you'll have a flow chart of your mental illness.


----------



## mreynolds

That would be funny if it wasn't true. 


haypoint said:


> If you take all your former lovers and line them up, you'll have a flow chart of your mental illness.


That would be funny if it wasn't true.


----------



## haypoint

Not only is my short term memory horrible, but so is my short term memory.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Exactly what I was thinking yesterday while trying to thread a needle.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Shine

DSmythe - And served with a smile.


----------



## haypoint

A guy went to a job interview. The interviewer had many questions. He asked, "Do you have any allergies?" The guy replied, " caffeine, I'm allergic to coffee." The interviewer asked, " Were you in the military?" He replied, " I was in the Marines, I did a tour of duty in Iran and in a n explosion lost my testicles."

The interviewer completed his questioning and explained he was hired. He said work is from 8 AM to 5 PM, but you can show up at 10 AM each day.

Confused the guy asked, " Well if work starts at 8, why do I come in at 10?" The interviewer explained, " Well for the first two hours we mostly stand around drinking coffee, scratching our balls. No need for you to show up for that.


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## mreynolds

dsmythe said:


>


Was the man named Bubba?


----------



## haypoint

If you don't have a basement to go to during a tornado, at least put some wieners in your pockets. That way the search dogs will find you first.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## mzgarden




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

She: Babe, I'd like to be a stay at home wife.
He: Fine, I don't care what you do after you get off from work.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## HDRider

On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter.

In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which was worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

_'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'_

*That's when she shot him.*

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouths shut



Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your disconnected!


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these recurring
dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam

It's driving me crazy! What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple you're two tents"


----------



## AmericanStand

mreynolds said:


> That would be funny if it wasn't true.
> 
> 
> That would be funny if it wasn't true.


Lol that’s WHY it’s funny !


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Eeeeew!!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Danaus29

Sounds like some of my son's posts.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe

nehimama said:


>


 A Man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just be out by 12, that's when the dancing girls will be here!"


----------



## AmericanStand

I have an acquaintance who may been the actual origin of the joke.
She had been with a man for 13 years and I teased her about not being married but she said it’s as good as married and he’s not the marrying type.
They had been looking for a larger apartment or house so that the daughter could have her own room so when he came home one day and asked if she could be out by Saturday she was overjoyed until he said good I have met a lady we are going to Nevada Friday to be married and I want to come home here.
She didn’t think there was anything funny about it .


----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

Men buy lingerie like children buy cereal. They don’t really care about it – they just want the prize that’s inside.

Sign in church: Prophecy class cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

My horse’s name is Mayo and Mayo neighs.

HEADLINE: “Government shutdown ends. No one can tell the difference."


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## AmericanStand

ydderf said:


>


I’ve never understood why people get upset when I follow directions


----------



## [email protected]

A knight and a fair damsel were married.
on their first night together ,
She offered her honor, and
He honored her offer, 
and all night long it was honor and offer..


----------



## haypoint

The joke about the Knight and fair damsel reminded me of a line in a movie.
In the movie, Into the Woods, I was struck by this scene:




Far too many seek, Prince Charming and ignore Prince Sincere.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

For $250 an hour, I'll pose as a couples therapist and tell your spouse they are wrong about everything.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

This one isn't so much "funny" as it is just awsome:
Good Doggy!!


----------



## haypoint

Four out of five of the voices in my head think you are an idiot. The fifth voice is deciding where to hide your body.


----------



## haypoint

Long haired, freaky people
need not apply.
If that doesn't take you back, you are too young to be cool.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

As a child, we played musical chairs. I had no idea at the time how that would effect driving habits.

Several times yesterday, on the expressway, I saw traffic way up ahead, slow to a crawl. At that very moment, a dozen drivers quickly changed lanes. Some moved to the left, some to the right. That it somehow became important to be in the shortest lane of stopped traffic, despite the fact that each lane was stopped for 6 miles ahead, had never occurred to me.

Another new to me game: When the sign says, " Right lane closed in 2 miles " that you move into that lane and race ahead 2 miles and then expect those that did merge to the left to forget they saw you race past them and let you get in ahead of them.


----------



## haypoint

I'm going to say what I want to say until the day someone beats my ***. Then, I'm going to say what I want to say with a black eye.


----------



## haypoint

I don't have a sense of humor any more. It is just sarcasm and a general dislike of most humans.


----------



## haypoint




----------



## HDRider




----------



## nehimama

The Crystal Meth Church! Oh, my!


----------



## [email protected]

nehimama said:


> The Crystal Meth Church! Oh, my!


check out the town it is in..


----------



## po boy

[email protected] said:


> check out the town it is in..


Effingham, SC


----------



## HDRider

nehimama said:


> The Crystal Meth Church! Oh, my!


In e'ffing SC


----------



## poppy

HDRider said:


> In e'ffing SC


Effingham Illinois is about 60 miles from us. IIRC, it is the one Bob and Tom did a funny bit about on their morning radio show. Made it sound like a radio ad promoting the town with several references to such things as "our e'ffing streets, our e'ffing park," etc.


----------



## haypoint

Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## oldasrocks

My wife left for 2 months to spend some time with her old sick dad. The vet asked me where she was. I told her and then said she should hire someone to take care of me while she is gone so long. My lady vet, with a straight face, said " She should have at least bought you a blow up doll". I had no comeback to that.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

Waiter: How do want your steak, Sir?
Me: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is, Sir.


----------



## FreeRange

haypoint said:


> Another new to me game: When the sign says, " Right lane closed in 2 miles " that you move into that lane and race ahead 2 miles and then expect those that did merge to the left to forget they saw you race past them and let you get in ahead of them.


And yet some idiot ALWAYS lets them in.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe

nehimama said:


>


Nehimama;
Yep, We have ALWAYS had a Junk Drawer. When I was a kid Mama had "Fibber-MaGees Closet" It had Bigger stuff in it! I think it was reminiscent of an old radio show that was popular......."Back In the Day". Dsmythe


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama

I don't even have a son, but if I did, he'd be a Calvin.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Guy: You won't find no one better'n me. You’re rude, ugly and everything bad!!! 

Girl: Obviously, you don’t know what Wanda and Mary Anne did to Earl.....


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

View attachment 77400


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


And as such they are due to be watched every second!


----------



## AmericanStand

haypoint said:


> Another new to me game: When the sign says, " Right lane closed in 2 miles " that you move into that lane and race ahead 2 miles and then expect those that did merge to the left to forget they saw you race past them and let you get in ahead of them.


 LOL it’s always seemed odd to me that you will see a sign that says lane closed in 2 miles and everybody thinks that means the lane is closed immediately and no one Should use it for the next 2 miles.

Of the few things I love about Pennsylvania is their signs that say “merge here “”take turns”


----------



## haypoint

AmericanStand said:


> Of the few things I love about Pennsylvania is their signs that say “merge here “”take turns”


In England there are no Yield signs. Just the familiar triangle that says Give Way.


----------



## haypoint

If you love magic, you'll enjoy this. Practice and you may be able to entertain at your next house party.


----------



## ydderf

I just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.


----------



## ydderf

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.


----------



## ydderf

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.

When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired, but if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted.


----------



## haypoint

I was singing the Monkey's song " I'm a Believer". My wife told me to stop, it was irritating her. I thought she was kidding, until I saw her face...


----------



## haypoint

No one is more tired than the mother of a little boy that never stops moving, except the mother of a little girl that never stops talking.


----------



## haypoint

Tomorrow I might get up early and go running. I might win the Lottery,. the odds are about the same.


----------



## haypoint

As an adult, spilling your coffee is about like losing your balloon when you were a kid.


----------



## haypoint

I wish I could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.


----------



## haypoint

If Facebook ever goes away, how will I know it is my 3rd grade classmate's sister's dog's birthday?


----------



## Danaus29

FreeRange said:


> And yet some idiot ALWAYS lets them in.


I was that idiot once. The non-merger almost merged into the side of my car. The ink on the sales contract wasn't even dry!


----------



## dsmythe

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, purple, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I wouldn’t choke on his response; I knew it’d be good!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …. “Got stoned once and had sex with a Peacock. I was just wondering if you might be my kid.”


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

Nothing is as pleasing as the sound of a baby's laughter. Unless it is 3 AM, you don't have a baby and you are alone...


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune ...and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago."
The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The Nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking "this is incredible. I've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."


----------



## haypoint

Me: When I get home, I'm running upstairs and ripping off my wife's underwear!"
Friend: "Feeling a bit frisky?"
Me: " No, the elastic is killing me."


----------



## haypoint

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... 

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" 

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." 

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." 

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, 

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " 

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" 

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" 

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." 

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, 

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" 

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" 

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, 

"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" 

To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"


----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## mreynolds

nehimama said:


>


That gator must be Dollar foolish.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## haypoint

She danced like no one was watching.
But they were watching.
She looked like she was being attacked by bees.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> That gator must be Dollar foolish.


I see what you did there.
Bravo!!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> I see what you did there.
> Bravo!!
> View attachment 77484
> View attachment 77484
> View attachment 77484
> View attachment 77484
> View attachment 77484
> View attachment 77484
> View attachment 77484


Well, who else would be Pennywise roommate?


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Yeah. This is me.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


> Yeah. This is me.


Lol it’s my grand kids


----------



## nehimama




----------



## crehberg

A local ad on Craigslist....guys got skills..

"Are you looking to start a new life in Miami? Are you hiding from foreign governments, or maybe just an overbearing ex? Are you a politician with a need to house your illegitimate family? Or maybe you just want to experience the ultimate in care-free living that is only offered in a trailer park community? Well, have we got the place for you! Lot rent is 544.00 utilities about 60.00 a month water and trash included, will finance with half-down. Call for price $$ Will finance with 50% down.

Asking price for the trailer is a pittance oBo (the capital B stands for "Better"). That's right, we will happily take more than the asking price. The sky is the limit. It is not entirely ridiculous to offer upwards of $100K for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own a piece of Little Havana and mingle with the rich and famous (did I mention Carlito lives in the area). Well, not entirely. 

Available immediately! This spacious 1 Bedroom 1 Bathroom home is the opportunity of a lifetime! Situated in the outskirts of Little Havana, this dwelling offers easy access to many local hot-spots. Within walking distance, you can easily enjoy cultural and international cuisine favorites like: La Carreta, Versailles Cuban Bakery, Pollo Campero, IHOP, Casa Juancho, and even a Mickey D's. If walking is not your thing, that's okay...you can also run, roll, skip, jump, or chassé your way up and down the street - your call. A snazzy moonwalk might get you some extra cool points with the ladies/fellas...who knows...it's Miami! If driving a car is your thing, there's a dedicated uncovered parking space next to the trailer - perfect for your future Lambo.

Miami is known for its luxurious stores - and this area does not disappoint (entirely). Within a short distance (get there however you want), you can find exotic and hot kosher fashion and design shoppes like: Home Depot, Family Dollar, and the historical 8th Street Shopping Center. With all the money you will be saving on housing (since this is such a great deal), you'll have plenty of cash to rain across Calle Ocho. Look at you!

To jump-start your foray into Miami's elite, we have recently remodeled this luxurious trailer...nay...luxurious home. Painted with the finest of Oops Paint from the local Home Depot, these shades of shale will transport you and your guests to a simpler time, when colors were few and far in-between (none of that cornflower blue bull****).

Speaking of guests...the ample interior will allow you to fit many peoples...depending on how they are stacked. There's a bedroom and a bathroom, a kitchen area, and a closet (useful for those who may be looking to "come out"). There's also two window-mounted AC (useful for those who may be looking to "stay inside")."

Link: https://valdosta.craigslist.org/tro/d/miami-home-sweet-home/6911448232.html


----------



## Bearfootfarm

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

EMERGENCY EVACUATION EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:

THIS IS NOT A DRILL:

The US government just issued a bulletin advising residents of Chicago to get to the Dominican Republic for safety.

That is all.


----------



## ydderf

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Warning!! 

Warning!!

This is *not* a DRILL!!!!


----------



## ydderf

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear??”

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself. Me: I’d rather not ... I kinda want this job.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

f you answer the phone with “Hello, you’re on the air!” most telemarketers will quickly hang up...

I run like the winded.

Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever...

We call these people cops,...


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## [email protected]

*I didn't plan on doing anything today,*
*and by noon I was half done..*


----------



## AmericanStand

I felt that way yesterday so I had to get up at 4 AM to get a good start on it


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

WARNING:


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## AmericanStand

A WW2 joke

A young soldier was very despondent; he had not yet killed an enemy soldier. His NCO told him next time he out in the combat zone that he jump up and scream “To hell with Hirohito!” See if that would work. Well the young soldier did as told. And again no go with killing an enemy soldier. When asked, he said “Sergeant, I did what you told me to do. I jumped up and yelled ‘To hell with Hirohito!!’ And the Japanese soldier jumped up and yelled ‘To hell with Roosevelt’!!” And, sergeant, I just couldn’t kill a good Republican.”


----------



## [email protected]

true story:
I never went into SubWay because I never knew the menu or what I wanted. the sandwich gurus always seemed so impatient. even though I was the only customer.
One day I was with my wife who went there often.
I said just get me something, I am not going in.
She said, no , you come in and pick out what you want.
So I waited about five minutes while I finished listening to the news on the car radio.
I went in and stared at the menu. The girl just stood and waited patiently for me to decide.
She was very helpful, asked me if I wanted this or that.. It wasn't so bad after all.
As we were driving away, my dear wife asked me how I liked the service. I said it was unusually good.
She began to laugh. then she told me that she told the gurus that I was coming in shortly and to be patient because I was just a little slow in the head..


----------



## Shine

[email protected] said:


> ...was just a little slow in the head..


You have a keeper.


----------



## AmericanStand

I am a very friendly guy and will talk to most people I meet. My wife used to follow me around inner-city Indianapolis explaining it was OK because I was from the country.


----------



## haypoint

In laughter, the L comes first.
Then, the rest of the letters come aughter.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

https://img.memecdn.com/*******-engineers_o_2469333.jpg


----------



## ydderf




----------



## AmericanStand

Yeah but try convincing him of that!


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## haypoint

Wife to husband, "I have blisters on my hands from the broom."
Husband to wife, " Next time take the car,"


----------



## haypoint

She said "Just stick it where the sun doesn't shine!"
I thought, "Michigan?"


----------



## HDRider

Some good ones.

I always heard a lot of jokes come from prisoners.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

ydderf said:


>


And some say spelling doesn't matter.


----------



## [email protected]

Doctor: You have to quit eating so much fatty.
Patient: You mean like bacon and pork chops ?
Doctor: No, I meant, Fatty, you have to quit eating so 
much.


----------



## [email protected]

Me: I notice that after you are married for 65 years, you call your wife Honey, and Sweetie, and Sugar Plum.
I think that's nice..

the old man replied: over five years ago I forgot her name and I'm afraid to ask.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 77660


I'm right here!!!! I swear I wasn't hiding at all.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## dsmythe

Joe’s wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Joe? Don’t you like my singing?”

Joe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”


----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


Lol I used to have two linesin a particular dating profile that got me most of my responses. 
“Have you ever had that conversation goes “where do you want to eat I don’t care where do you want to eat etc. etc. etc.” ?
I will ask once then I’m picking a place.”

An amazing number of people commented on that thought And how much they hated the I don’t care conversation


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## mreynolds

AmericanStand said:


> Lol I used to have two linesin a particular dating profile that got me most of my responses.
> “Have you ever had that conversation goes “where do you want to eat I don’t care where do you want to eat etc. etc. etc.” ?
> I will ask once then I’m picking a place.”
> 
> An amazing number of people commented on that thought And how much they hated the I don’t care conversation


What I once did was after the question took them to a soul food joint that was really awesome. I told them then the specials of the day were liver and onions, ox tail soup or chitins. It's also works with stomach, tongue or pork skin taqueria's. 

They had a better idea of what they wanted to eat the next time.


----------



## Danaus29

mreynolds, I would join you at that restaurant for liver and onions, pig stomach or tongue. It's really hard to find good liver and onions around here, haven't had pig stomach or tongue since my grandma fixed them. I like eating tongue, just can't stand looking at it before it's prepared.


----------



## whiterock

menudo


----------



## mreynolds

Danaus29 said:


> mreynolds, I would join you at that restaurant for liver and onions, pig stomach or tongue. It's really hard to find good liver and onions around here, haven't had pig stomach or tongue since my grandma fixed them. I like eating tongue, just can't stand looking at it before it's prepared.


Yeah, you can tell pretty quick how down to earth your date is by taking them to places like that. I eat stuff like that all the time.


----------



## mreynolds

whiterock said:


> menudo


Yep, don't even need a hangover to eat it either.


----------



## haypoint

Therapist: your wife told me that you never buy her flowers.
Husband: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.


----------



## AmericanStand

mreynolds said:


> What I once did was after the question took them to a soul food joint that was really awesome. I told them then the specials of the day were liver and onions, ox tail soup or chitins. It's also works with stomach, tongue or pork skin taqueria's.
> 
> They had a better idea of what they wanted to eat the next time.


I’m amazed you got a second date!!!!!


----------



## Redlands Okie

Might as well thin them out quickly.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint

Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could swoop down on a lake and catch dinner with them.


----------



## haypoint

He: My ex wide is from the world downunder.
She: You mean Australia?
He: No, Hades.


----------



## haypoint

I don't want to be way rich. Just look off in the distance while I fill up at the gas station rich.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## dsmythe

haypoint said:


> Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could swoop down on a lake and catch dinner with them.


HP;
My wife won't even LET me wear sandals Unless I wear socks with them. My toes look like Crinkled Cut French Fries. Dsmythe


----------



## ydderf

I heard last night on PBS that the legs and feet of the lunar lander that went with Apollo 11 were made in Montreal. Technically this means Canada was the first to put feet onto the moon. grin


----------



## haypoint

I have a pen than can write underwater.
It can write other words, too.


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## haypoint

Some people just need a High Five
in the face
with a chair
made of steel
twice
by the Hulk


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

Dear Karma:
I have a list of people you missed.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Shrek

Heard a funny one about that "it takes 12 muscles to smile and 47 muscles to frown " cheer up adage.

If it takes 12 to smile and 47 to frown , what does this really tell us in this age of botox and other face health gimmicks?

The one walking around all day in a bad mood is more facial core muscle crunches than the exercise lazy one walking around with the goofy grin on their face all day.

Does this view of that adage have you frowning , grinning goofily or wondering how many muscles in the face it takrs to raise an eyebrow like Mr. Spock listening to Dr. McCoy rant about his Vulcan green blood lack of emotion?


----------



## haypoint

My wife hates it that I refer to her as my ex-girlfriend, though it is factually correct. So, I've started calling her my first wife. Also factually correct. If she doesn't start showing up on time, she'll be known as my late wife.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## ydderf

I'm willing to take responsibility for my actions.
I just want to explore my other options first.


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## haypoint

Late one night, a Cop pulled over an elderly man, "Where are you going at 2 AM?" The elderly man replied, " I'm headed to a lecture on the evils of alcohol and the negative effects on the human body and the perils of staying out late."
Surprised, the Cop asked, " Who is giving that lecture at this hour?"
The elderly man replied, "Well, that would be my wife."


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Santa Monica banks complain of cocaine-residue on cash since plastic straws were outlawed..... 

It's so bad that the one-dollar bill shows George Washington wearing a white suit and a gold chain


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint

Dentist: Hold on, this is going to hurt. 
Patient: OK
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your wife for quite a while.


----------



## Tobster




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## popscott




----------



## light rain

haypoint said:


> View attachment 73476


Love it! Brings to mind my first husband, arrogant as he was, being thrown to the ground by sweet "Bippy"... She lived to almost 30. Better judge of character than myself...


----------



## AmericanStand

Bippy ? ?


----------



## AmericanStand

Never say anything bad about your ex’nn. It calls into question both your judgment and character to have picked them !


----------



## Bearfootfarm

AmericanStand said:


> Bippy ? ?


Context matters.


----------



## light rain

AmericanStand said:


> Bippy ? ?


The horse's name. She was usually mild-mannered and congenial...


----------



## Redlands Okie

AmericanStand said:


> Never say anything bad about your ex’nn. It calls into question both your judgment and character to have picked them !


At least the “ex” part shows you can learn


----------



## coolrunnin

AmericanStand said:


> Never say anything bad about your ex’nn. It calls into question both your judgment and character to have picked them !


Lot's of folks are in lust instead of love forget friendship, once the lust wears off you ain't left with much..


----------



## AmericanStand

light rain said:


> The horse's name. She was usually mild-mannered and congenial...


 Did you ever bet her with anyone on hee haw ?


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 77854


That's funny right there!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## mreynolds

light rain said:


> Love it! Brings to mind my first husband, arrogant as he was, being thrown to the ground by sweet "Bippy"... She lived to almost 30. Better judge of character than myself...


Good thing your not a gambler. You could have bet your sweet Bippy.


----------



## haypoint

Late for work today. Last night I came home drunk and set my calculator for $5.30.


----------



## haypoint

Me: This morning I fell off a 50 foot ladder.
He: OMG, are you alright?
Me: Yeah, luckily I was on the first step.


----------



## haypoint

Magician: I can make anything disappear.
Tom, holding cup: Do it to my tea.
Magician, waving wand: Gone.
om, holding cup: It didn't work.


----------



## haypoint

Notice: To the person that stole my glasses, I will find you. I have contacts,


----------



## AmericanStand

When I fell I landed on the dog. 
She bit me 
But just got my pants
Now I’m naked chasing a dog with pants around the yard.


----------



## light rain

mreynolds said:


> Good thing your not a gambler. You could have bet your sweet Bippy.


We gave up casinos over 20 yrs. ago. Too much $$$ going out...


----------



## light rain

Yvonne's hubby said:


> That's funny right there!


DH will love this!


----------



## light rain

Redlands Okie said:


> At least the “ex” part shows you can learn


Or possibly gullibility...


AmericanStand said:


> Never say anything bad about your ex’nn. It calls into question both your judgment and character to have picked them !


True...


----------



## light rain

AmericanStand said:


> Did you ever bet her with anyone on hee haw ?


Loved Hee Haw! Generally no mean spirited or vulgar comedy there. And some truly gifted musicians like Roy Clark.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## light rain

coolrunnin said:


> Lot's of folks are in lust instead of love forget friendship, once the lust wears off you ain't left with much..


You know, I think it is more of a desire to be loved and share than the lust. (at least with women) Also if a person is in a fight it sure is good to have someone back to back that will fight as hard or harder than you will...
In his prime, my husband of 40 yrs. could lift a full keg on his shoulder and carry it and was a bouncer/manager of a bar. 

Good memories!


----------



## haypoint

light rain said:


> You know, I think it is more of a desire to be loved and share than the lust.


I'm not interested in starting a debate. I heard that men engage in romance to get sex, women engage in sex to get romance. Along that line, a little girl asked her mother, " When you got pregnant for me, did you want a boy or a girl? Mother replied, " Actually, I just wanted a back rub."


----------



## light rain

haypoint said:


> I'm not interested in starting a debate. I heard that men engage in romance to get sex, women engage in sex to get romance. Along that line, a little girl asked her mother, " When you got pregnant for me, did you want a boy or a girl? Mother replied, " Actually, I just wanted a back rub."


Probably not an honest statement...


----------



## Redlands Okie

light rain said:


> Probably not an honest statement...


In a conversation about love and sex in the middle of a humor thread...........


----------



## Shine

That would have been Laugh In


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Shine said:


> That would have been *Laugh In*


Speaking of Laugh In, Arte Johnson died today.
He was 90.







outlet.historicimages.com


----------



## AmericanStand

light rain said:


> Probably not an honest statement...


 Seems pretty accurate.


----------



## light rain

Redlands Okie said:


> In a conversation about love and sex in the middle of a humor thread...........


Sometimes the most honest statements are followed by "I was just joking. Can't you take a joke?".


----------



## ydderf

A true story about love and sex. In 1982 I was embroiled in a divorce as well as the dissolution and spliting of the farm. A little background now in the early 80's Alberta was in a bad depression due to something the Fed's did called the national energy act. As a result of the divorce I was required to sell my livestock and split the proceeds. The Jersey went for $600.00 her lawyer asked for a discovery in the judges chambers around the sale. One of sais lawyers questions was about the Jersey "he asked why I sold her for $600.00 when the year before I paid $1100.00 for her" I responded "it was because she wasn't breed" Her lawyer then asked "why didn't you breed her" My answer was " because I prefer women". Things went downhill from there.


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


>



If you dare repeat them...


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


I'm not going there.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


Are you going to be the one to take that bear's toilet paper?


----------



## popscott




----------



## IndyDave

dsmythe said:


> HP;
> My wife won't even LET me wear sandals Unless I wear socks with them. My toes look like Crinkled Cut French Fries. Dsmythe


It's a bad sign when you get compliments on your alligator boots when you are barefoot!


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

Lol people say that baggage is a bad thing but long-time couples look at all the baggage and say no I’m not moving it I’ll just stay here.


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## IndyDave

nehimama said:


>


I suppose that would depend on the individual staff member.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Random thoughts found on the internet:

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk. 
If women are upset at Trump’s naughty words, who in the hell bought 80 million copies of 50 Shades of Gray? 

Jim Comey answered, “I don’t know,” “I don’t recall,” and “I don’t remember” 236 times while under oath. But he remembered enough to write a book. 

President Trump should nominate Hillary Clinton for the next opening on the supreme court. Then he can finally get her investigated. 

Not one feminist has defended Sarah Sanders. It seems women’s rights only matter if those women are liberal. 

No Border Walls. No voter ID laws. You figured it out yet? 

Chelsea Clinton got out of college and got a job at NBC that paid $900,000 per year. Her mom flies around the country speaking out about white privilege. 

SOCIALISM: An idea that is so good that it has to be mandatory Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells... “Free drinks for everyone!” looks around and says “Who’s buying?” 

What is the difference between an Illegal immigrant and E.T.? E.T. learned to speak English and went home. 

And just like that they went from being against foreign interference in our elections to allowing non-citizens to vote in our elections. 

Watching the left come up with schemes to “catch Trump” is like watching Wile E. Coyote trying to catch Road Runner. 

President Trump’s wall cost less than the Obamacare website. Let that sink in, America. 

We are one election away from open borders, socialism, gun confiscation, and full term ******** nationally. We are fighting evil. 

They sent more troops and armament to arrest Roger Stone than they sent to defend Benghazi. 

60 years ago, Venezuela was 4th on the world economic freedom index. Today, they are 179th and their citizens are dying of starvation. In only 10 years, Venezuela was destroyed by democratic socialism. 

Russia donated $0.00 to the Trump campaign. Russia donated $145,600,000 to the Clinton Foundation. But Trump was the one investigated! 

Nancy Pelosi invited illegal aliens to the State of the Union. President Trump Invited victims of illegal aliens to the State of the Union. Let that sink in. 

A socialist is basically a communist who doesn’t have the power to take everything from their citizens at gunpoint ... Yet! 

How do you walk 3000 miles across Mexico without food or support and show up at our border 100 pounds overweight and with a cellphone? 

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez wants to ban cars, ban planes, give out universal income and thinks socialism works. She calls Donald Trump crazy. 

Bill Clinton paid $850,000 to Paula Jones To get her to go away. I don’t remember the FBI raiding his lawyer’s office. 

I wake up every day and I am grateful that Hillary Clinton is not the president of the United States of America. 

The same media that told me Hillary Clinton had a 95% chance of winning now tells me Trump’s approval ratings are low. 

“The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”— Margaret Thatcher 

Maxine Waters opposes voter ID laws; She thinks that they are racist. You need to have a photo ID to attend her town hall meetings. 

Trump — They’re not after me. They’re after you. I’m just in their way.


----------



## StL.Ed

nehimama said:


>


You have a machine that makes goats and coffee?!?!?!?
(I wouldn't have asked, except for the Oxford Comma post just before.    ?)


----------



## AmericanStand

I’d say that’s a well trained goat to make coffee and goats....


----------



## 101pigs

nehimama said:


> View attachment 75228


Queston to anyone. How to post a new post in this general chat. I am in the pig fourm.


----------



## AmericanStand

I’m pretty sure you were in general Chat when you posted above 101pigs 
Click on general chat , some where near the top , above the Listing of threads there should be a button that says “new topic.”
Click on that and when the page “create thread “loads there should be a box to put the title in and another to make the first post in. When you are done with that click on the button that says “create thread”.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## tiffanysgallery

Bearfootfarm said:


> Random thoughts found on the internet:
> 
> Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
> If women are upset at Trump’s naughty words, who in the hell bought 80 million copies of 50 Shades of Gray?
> 
> Jim Comey answered, “I don’t know,” “I don’t recall,” and “I don’t remember” 236 times while under oath. But he remembered enough to write a book.
> 
> President Trump should nominate Hillary Clinton for the next opening on the supreme court. Then he can finally get her investigated.
> 
> Not one feminist has defended Sarah Sanders. It seems women’s rights only matter if those women are liberal.
> 
> No Border Walls. No voter ID laws. You figured it out yet?
> 
> Chelsea Clinton got out of college and got a job at NBC that paid $900,000 per year. Her mom flies around the country speaking out about white privilege.
> 
> SOCIALISM: An idea that is so good that it has to be mandatory Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells... “Free drinks for everyone!” looks around and says “Who’s buying?”
> 
> What is the difference between an Illegal immigrant and E.T.? E.T. learned to speak English and went home.
> 
> And just like that they went from being against foreign interference in our elections to allowing non-citizens to vote in our elections.
> 
> Watching the left come up with schemes to “catch Trump” is like watching Wile E. Coyote trying to catch Road Runner.
> 
> President Trump’s wall cost less than the Obamacare website. Let that sink in, America.
> 
> We are one election away from open borders, socialism, gun confiscation, and full term ******** nationally. We are fighting evil.
> 
> They sent more troops and armament to arrest Roger Stone than they sent to defend Benghazi.
> 
> 60 years ago, Venezuela was 4th on the world economic freedom index. Today, they are 179th and their citizens are dying of starvation. In only 10 years, Venezuela was destroyed by democratic socialism.
> 
> Russia donated $0.00 to the Trump campaign. Russia donated $145,600,000 to the Clinton Foundation. But Trump was the one investigated!
> 
> Nancy Pelosi invited illegal aliens to the State of the Union. President Trump Invited victims of illegal aliens to the State of the Union. Let that sink in.
> 
> A socialist is basically a communist who doesn’t have the power to take everything from their citizens at gunpoint ... Yet!
> 
> How do you walk 3000 miles across Mexico without food or support and show up at our border 100 pounds overweight and with a cellphone?
> 
> Alexandria Ocasio Cortez wants to ban cars, ban planes, give out universal income and thinks socialism works. She calls Donald Trump crazy.
> 
> Bill Clinton paid $850,000 to Paula Jones To get her to go away. I don’t remember the FBI raiding his lawyer’s office.
> 
> I wake up every day and I am grateful that Hillary Clinton is not the president of the United States of America.
> 
> The same media that told me Hillary Clinton had a 95% chance of winning now tells me Trump’s approval ratings are low.
> 
> “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money.”— Margaret Thatcher
> 
> Maxine Waters opposes voter ID laws; She thinks that they are racist. You need to have a photo ID to attend her town hall meetings.
> 
> Trump — They’re not after me. They’re after you. I’m just in their way.


Great example. 

There are those who can take any discussion - city governance, ecology, natural sciences, or what their child wants for their birthday and turn it into a social security eligibility question. Suddenly, there's no escape. 

We're all culpable of it; rambling. It's the ability to associate 1 subject with another. If one is lost in the forest; it's a survival trait.


----------



## GTX63

The wife punches her husband as hard as she can in his arm and shouts “Hey! Have you been listening to anything I’ve been saying?”
The husband replied
“That’s an odd way to start a conversation.”


----------



## haypoint

nehimama said:


>


https://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon


----------



## popscott




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint

When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:...
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it, please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.
God and Eve watched the man, crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
What is the other gift? '
God answered:
Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## [email protected]

brain freeze ?? funny ....


----------



## emdeengee

https://imgur.com/gallery/gXdTZ1z


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Stick it to her before she sticks it to you:


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## [email protected]

two less than genius guys were up on a roof.
it got windy and their ladder tipped over.
soon it got very dark and they were stranded.
suddenly one of them had an idea.
he said, hey, I will shine my flashlight down to the ground, then you can slide down the beam and set the ladder up.
the other one was a bit smarter and he said,
oh sure, I know you. I would get about half way down
and you would turn off the light..


----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

I was walking past the insane asylum when I saw a group of men chasing a beautiful naked woman.
One of the men was carrying a 5 gallon pail of sand.
I asked a nurse near the fence why that man was carrying that pail of sand ?? she answered, well, that is to slow him down because he caught her last time.


----------



## nehimama

I hate it when the neighbor kid stays for dinner!


----------



## AmericanStand

I’m buying a new paintball gun 

I think it’s going to make driving a lot more fun


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

I had a friend who named his dog Dammit.


----------



## muleskinner2

Marshall Dillon sees Festus walking down the street in Dodge.
Mathew
Festus, there is a beautiful woman in town and she is looking for you.

Festus
Mathew, that is a burden us Hagen's have learned to bear.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## dsmythe




----------



## whiterock

That works better with a pic of a horse.


----------



## Redlands Okie

If you have chased cattle down the side of the road, across neighbors pastures, through traffic, etc...... that picture works pretty well also.


----------



## whiterock

I've chased them thru town and across golf courses. Cows will get out anywhere, horses seem to be instantly drawn to any open gate where a so so fence will hold them most of the time.


----------



## [email protected]

Redlands Okie said:


> If you have chased cattle down the side of the road, across neighbors pastures, through traffic, etc...... that picture works pretty well also.


so maybe the OP never had experience with horses.
and maybe they couldn't find a joke with a horse's picture. maybe i feel that it would be better if they had chickens in the picture. but I didn't complain.


----------



## popscott




----------



## dsmythe

[email protected] said:


> so maybe the OP never had experience with horses.
> and maybe they couldn't find a joke with a horse's picture. maybe i feel that it would be better if they had chickens in the picture. but I didn't complain.


OH Heck Yes;
I've chased Cows, both Dairy and Beef, I've chased Horses.....Hogs at all hours of the night and day, Goats and Chickens. I don't recall ANY of them being FUN! I have always had the animals I owned broke to a bucket of feed and/or a bale of hay. Calling is a LOT easier than Chasing! Dsmythe


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## D-BOONE

A dog named SEX

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, Ive had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "Im looking for Sex..."

My court date has been set for Friday...


----------



## Redlands Okie

[email protected] said:


> so maybe the OP never had experience with horses.
> and maybe they couldn't find a joke with a horse's picture. maybe i feel that it would be better if they had chickens in the picture. but I didn't complain.



Try reading up. Was not me complaining. Chickens might even be better. They are sure hard to herd.


----------



## AmericanStand

Cats don’t seem to need a gate.....


----------



## haypoint




----------



## dsmythe

Redlands Okie said:


> Try reading up. Was not me complaining. Chickens might even be better. They are sure hard to herd.


Oh no, Please, I was not offended. I was just sharing that I had chased a LOT of all kinds of animals. I certainly did not intend to "Chid" any one at all. I have always enjoyed raising and tending to farm animals. I like watching animals grow......just not GO! I bought a small herd of goats one time. I brought them home and turned them into my barn. I fed them and made sure they had water. I opened the door and Every One of them RAN to the fence and LEAPED over. My heart was in my boots. They came back that evening........Thank God! Dsmythe


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Redlands Okie

Thats a great one


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama

Rock, paper, scissors???


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint

I trained my dog to fetch beer.
That might not sound like much to you, but he gets it from the neighbor's refrigerator.


----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## po boy

Find that guy, he can move u in one load..


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


> Rock, paper, scissors???


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

I tried one of those new "aging" apps available these days.
Nailed it!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


Amazing how that works!!


----------



## nehimama

Arkansas State trooper pulled a car over on I-30 about 2 miles north of Malvern. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Little Rock to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Sheridan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Lisa in WA

Lisa in WA said:


> View attachment 78290



This actually reminds me of being a kid and playing with Oiuja boards and doing Stiff As a Board and Bloody Mary in the bathroom mirror. 
Until the ice cream man told us the devil would get us.


----------



## AmericanStand

dsmythe said:


>


Lol I did this to the regional mail distribution center by accident they called me up wanting to know how many baby chicks were in my package and I told them they were 16 they were very relieved to find this out because the box said “pack up to 25 “and apparently they had somehow got loose . They never would explain how the box got open


----------



## AmericanStand

haypoint said:


>


 And all this time I thought changing tables didn’t work


----------



## haypoint

What did the Buffalo say to his son at the school drop off?


----------



## nehimama

Bison (Bye, son)


----------



## haypoint

AmericanStand said:


> And all this time I thought changing tables didn’t work


----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama

The National Weather Service has just published instructions on how to bake a lasagna in your mailbox


----------



## IndyDave

nehimama said:


> The National Weather Service has just published instructions on how to bake a lasagna in your mailbox


If those pinkos were real Americans, it would have been instructions for an Apple pie!


----------



## [email protected]

wife: but dear, that's not our baby !!
Husband: Shhhh, it's a better stroller ..


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

On bread. With mayo, bacon, and tomato. Thank You.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## [email protected]

speaking of ducks.
when I was a kid, we had a small pond. 
one late autumn day a large flock of ducks landed in our pond. It was almost solid ducks from shore to shore.
during the night it turned very cold and the pond froze solid.. 
when the ducks left that morning, they were frozen in.
but they all took off together, and took the frozen pond with them..


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## Evons hubby

I can save a child's life most anytime.... A photo op like this.... Once in a lifetime!


----------



## IndyDave

Yvonne's hubby said:


> I can save a child's life most anytime.... A photo op like this.... Once in a lifetime!


You're not right!


----------



## Redlands Okie

The important question is how many more photo ops in the family are waiting at home ?


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

in my old age I have learned to try to stay positive.
for example: I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting mad, I said to myself, that is the fastest I've moved in a long time..


----------



## nehimama

Oops!


----------



## whiterock

Yep, and when you fall you look around for something that needs to be done while you are down there.


----------



## nehimama

And leave little ziplock baggies of snacks all around (on the floor) in case you can't get up. You won't starve that way.


----------



## popscott




----------



## nehimama

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk," worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. ) It is always the right temperature.

4.) It is inexpensive.

5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7.) It comes in cute containers.

He got an A


----------



## nehimama




----------



## IndyDave

nehimama said:


>


Man earns a giant FacePalm.


----------



## Redlands Okie

No matter, the TV is turned on..........


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Phoenix, AZ, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house"?

He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me".

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay". He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed",

"Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them", and he hung up.

Within three minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them"!

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available"!! "


----------



## dsmythe




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Bearfootfarm

popscott said:


>


That's funny stuff there.


----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


 There used to be a local strip club called nowhere so when the wife asked where you were headed you could say nowhere but it did burn down and so now nowhere is nowhere !


----------



## AmericanStand

I heard different
when I was a kid, we USED TO HAVE a small pond. 
one late autumn day a large flock of ducks landed in our pond. It was almost solid ducks from shore to shore.
during the night it turned very cold and the pond froze solid.. 
when the ducks left that morning, they were frozen in.
but they all took off together, and took the frozen pond with them..


----------



## AmericanStand

IndyDave said:


> You're not right!


 We have established this for almost everyone on the forum .
Isn’t it a requirement? 
Or is it just a goal ?


----------



## AmericanStand

Redlands Okie said:


> No matter, the TV is turned on..........


So is the wife


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

I'm impressed with this hydraulic lift!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

The children told me they want a cat for Christmas. I normally bake a turkey, but if that's what they want.....


----------



## popscott




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 78368


A true hillbilly wouldn't be familiar with such a concept!


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Yvonne's hubby said:


> A true hillbilly wouldn't be familiar with such a concept!


To Granny, LOL meant it's time to get a new batch of mash heating in the still.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## poppy

I went into a bookstore and asked the clerk if they had Trump's new book on how to deport illegal aliens. The woman looked at me and said "Get the "F" out and don't come back". I said "Yes, that's it. Do you have that in paperback?"


----------



## AmericanStand

haypoint said:


> The children told me they want a cat for Christmas. I normally bake a turkey, but if that's what they want.....


Was that the new Chinese in-laws?


----------



## IndyDave

nehimama said:


>


I once asked a storekeeper why i should buy "Jamaican Jerk" when I have more than enough American jerks all around me.


----------



## ydderf

Last night I was told I would regret my actions in the morning.

Solved that I slept until noon.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Shine

...and sprint multiple choice tests....


----------



## alida




----------



## haypoint

I just paid $500 for a limousine and found out that does not include a driver.
I can't believe I spent all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.


----------



## Shine

haypoint said:


> nothing to chauffeur it.


Pa Dump Dunt.


----------



## whiterock

should have bought a simmental


----------



## haypoint

AmericanStand said:


> There used to be a local strip club called nowhere so when the wife asked where you were headed you could say nowhere but it did burn down and so now nowhere is nowhere !


Micro Brewery in college town (Mich Tech Univ), Houghton, MI is "The Library". So, "Where were you when I called?" can be answered "Aww, Mom, I was at the library."


----------



## IndyDave

whiterock said:


> should have bought a simmental


Shorter hoof base?


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Ford's user's manual? A: The train & bus schedule. 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/
Q: Why do they fit heated tail gates to luxury Ford trucks? A: To keep your hands warm when you pushed them. 

source: [URL]http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/corporatejokes/fordjokes.html
miscellaneousjokes/corporatejokes/fordjokes.html[/URL]


----------



## ydderf

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


----------



## ydderf

Just as the graveside service finished, there was a distant lightning bolt accompanied by a tremendous burst of thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there and it's His problem now."


----------



## FreeRange

I wanted to go jogging, but Proverbs 28:1 says: "The wicked run when no one is chasing them." So there's that...


----------



## FreeRange

My mind is like my web browser. 15 tabs open, 4 of them are frozen and I'm not sure where the music is coming from.


----------



## FreeRange

Some people get road rage walking behind behind in the grocery store.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Shine

ydderf said:


> RETIRED HUSBAND


Thanks fer that....


----------



## Shine

I love this thread...

Is there a jokes thread where everyone gets this stuff from or has this been gleaned from reality?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Shine said:


> Is there a jokes thread where everyone gets this stuff from or has this been gleaned from reality?


I've found most of the things I've posted on other forums or on Facebook.
There are cartoon sites that have plenty of jokes like the "leek soup" above.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Shine

I always check to see if I am breathing...

Grocery store? When I buy some adult beverages, now it seems that they do not use their ability to judge your age, they ask how old you are... I always ask "emotional or chronological" which many times seems to need an explanation and when I say that emotionally that I am 17 but chronologically I am 60, I get the opportunity to leave a smile on the face of the person who is doing the cashiering...


----------



## tiffanysgallery

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.


----------



## genebo

Lewis Grizzard wrote about his experience breeding boneless chickens. It would break your heart watching them suckers try to crawl to the feed.


----------



## genebo

A man loved drumsticks so much that he tried to breed chickens with bigger legs. He raised some with legs so long they looked like they were on stilts. Unfortunately they all died of thirst when they couldn't bend down far enough to reach the water.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

genebo said:


> A man loved drumsticks so much that he tried to breed chickens with bigger legs.


Another man tried to breed a chicken with three leg because lots of people like drumsticks.
Someone asked him "How do the taste?"

He said "I don't know. They run so fast I can't catch one."


----------



## alida




----------



## nehimama




----------



## HDRider




----------



## alida




----------



## Bearfootfarm

alida said:


>


I like the way you think.


----------



## ydderf

"Never let a dog watch your food or the government watch your money."
– Barry M. Goldwater, Jr


----------



## AmericanStand

ydderf said:


> RETIRED HUSBAND
> 
> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
> Dear Mrs. Harris:
> 
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
> We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
> 
> Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
> 
> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
> 
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
> 
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
> 
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
> 
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
> 
> 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
> 
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
> 
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
> 
> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
> 
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
> 
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
> 
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
> 
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
> 
> 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
> 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
> 
> 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
> 
> And last, but not least:
> 
> 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


 Oh I see you got the letter toO!
You know that happens a lot to people that don’t like fords.


----------



## muleskinner2

I got a eight week old Redbone puppy for my wife. Best trade I ever made.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## FreeRange

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs

“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”


----------



## AmericanStand

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 78474


 I bet he needs a new 710 ToO


----------



## AmericanStand

*Ours is Cuter*

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," he coolly replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? I want a divorce!"

"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a
Mercedes, furs, jewelry and a vacation home in Mexico?" he asked.

They continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's his mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is cuter."


----------



## alida




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama

Well, that was 11 minutes of stupid.


----------



## ydderf

I watched 5 minutes and decided I had had enough. On the other hand I am glad we are not all the same


----------



## ydderf

A- My wife crashed the Porsche.

B- Oh, no ... Is she hurt?

A- Not yet, she locked herself in the bathroom.


----------



## ydderf

"Get Off The Stove Granny, Because you are too old to ride the range."

Playing Mick Jagger’s music in your closet protects clothing from holes, because a Rolling Stone gathers no moths.


----------



## FreeRange

nehimama said:


> Well, that was 11 minutes of stupid.


Is there a video somewhere?


----------



## tiffanysgallery

FreeRange said:


> Is there a video somewhere?


I think the video was one of John Pinette but I cannot remember who posted it.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## FreeRange

Which celebrity is always ready for ice cream?
Reese Witherspoon


----------



## ydderf

A teacher in grade school was teaching her class on whales, she stated whales could only swallow small objects. Now little Sally raised her hand and said but teacher a whale swallowed Jonah .The teacher said but that is impossible. Sally said well teacher when I get to heaven I will just ask Jonah . The teacher replied ,well what if he ain't there ? Sally said well teacher in that case you can ask him.


----------



## ydderf

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM, after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open-mouthed, listening to the tirade.

“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f###### mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can’t you see I’m still in my f##### pajamas? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f### did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid a$$hole?”

The husband replied: “Because he’s thinking of getting married.”


----------



## ydderf

Sapiophile pick up lines:

Are you a beaver? Cause dam!

You look like a 9/10, and I’m the 1 for you.

Baby, you are evidence of intelligent design.

Are you a 90 degree angle? Because you’re lookin’ right!

You can make the first step in a confident and uncommon way.

Are you full of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are be au ti.. Full.


----------



## FreeRange

I bought a can of fly spray today; sprayed it all over me.

I still can't fly.


----------



## ydderf

The Pope and Trudeau are on the same stage in the new Edmonton Arena in front of a huge crowd.



The Pope leans towards Trudeau and said, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?



This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice!



Trudeau replies, I seriously doubt that? With one little wave of your hand? Show me! So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!



THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!


----------



## ydderf

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse
language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so she put her sandwich in a
brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Any of you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.

Then one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled back down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "'Cause his mum's here with his lunch."


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## popscott




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ydderf

A distraught man brings his badly injured dog to the vet clinic. The doctor looks the dog over and tells the man there is nothing he can do for the injured dog. the distraught man pleads with the veterinarian "is there no more tests you can try please try everything you can". The doctor says "there is one more test" he leaves and returns with a kitten walks over to the dog and holds the kitten under the dogs nose. There is no reaction whatsoever from the dog he just lies there twitching. The doctor advises the man that euthanasia is the best answer for the dog.

Later the vet hands the man a bill for $1225.00. The man exclaims what! why is this bill so high? The vet responds "well you know a cat scan is expensive".


----------



## ydderf

Think maybe the have a chihuahua?


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Bearfootfarm

You guys are floundering.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

Now that's funny right there!!


----------



## nehimama

We'll just sit here until everyone quiets down.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

This isn't funny, but I couldn't think of anywhere else to put it without starting a new thread.
It shows the importance of situational awareness:


----------



## Redlands Okie

I consider myself more aware than most. I suspect most of would have a hard time seeing that one coming. Yikes

Interesting how the guy setting on the corner seems to think the pickup that drove by was the problem.


----------



## Redlands Okie

nehimama said:


>


All 3 of them have the same posture..........


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## cornbread

Plowing with a mule

A salesman was driving down a country road when he spotted a farmer plowing with a mule.

Thinking to himself ,"you don't see this anymore" , he stopped to watch.

While he was watching, the farmer stopped the mule walked up behind it and raised the mules tail and kissed it's ass.

The salesman bolted from his car , climbed the fence and asked the farmer what he did that for?

The farmer replied, "chapped lips!"

The salesman said , "that won't cure chapped lips".

The farmer said, I know that , but it keeps me from licking them


----------



## cornbread

Little Johnny Meets the President of the United States

Lil' Johnny Meets Barack

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama.
'That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it probably wasn't an accident either."


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## HDRider

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=2104696809833871


----------



## popscott




----------



## ydderf

A skunk a deer and a duck decide to go out for dinner. It took a while but they found a vegetarian restaurant that would serve them. At the end of the meal when the waitress tallied there purchases, it turned out the skunk had not a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, the cost was put on the ducks bill!


----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## ydderf




----------



## Shine

You know... My highschool friends said that it was hilarious to tip sleeping cows, that caused me to try to understand what environment they were participating in that would be seeking some sort of service industry service from these cows. I was thinking compost and that lead me to this site seeking how to make better dirt.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

The age old question is finally answered:


----------



## haypoint




----------



## popscott




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## popscott




----------



## haypoint




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## popscott




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Run time about 1:40


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint

Today, while ordering my lunch at McDonalds, apparently I was taking too long placing my order. The people behind me must have been in a hurry, honking and flipping me off.

So, when I pulled ahead to pay, I offered to pay for their lunch, too. I took both receipts. So, when I got to the next window, gave them both receipts, took their food along with mine and drove away.

Don't mess with old people.


----------



## cornbread

A devout Arab Muslim entered a taxi in Glasgow.

He asked the driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The taxi driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the car and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, “What are you doing?”

The driver answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel..”


----------



## cornbread

Old Farmer's Advice

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don 't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you


----------



## cornbread

History of the condom

In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom by using a goats lower intestine.


In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 78926


Makes perfect sense to me.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Makes perfect sense to me.


Maybe that's the "new" forum rule I keep hearing about.


----------



## haypoint




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint

Therapist: Your wife has complained that you never buy her flowers, what do you say to that?

To be honest I had no idea my wife sold flowers.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint




----------



## Evons hubby

haypoint said:


>


Someone forgot to slip the ever clear in the punch!


----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## cornbread

Three blondes go into a bar, sit down at a table and order 3 drinks. Upon receiving their drinks, they toast each other and shout "90 Days" and they drink down their drinks.

They tell the bartender to bring them another round. They toast again and shout "90 Days" again and drink their drinks.

They tell the bartender to bring them another round. The bartender says, "You gals look like your celebrating something. What is it that you're celebrating?"

One of the blondes says, "We have been working on a jigsaw puzzle and it says 3 to 5 years on the box and it only took us, "90 Days!"


----------



## cornbread

A BOTTLE OF WINE

I was just leaving Flagstaff when I saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, I stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. I asked and she told me she was going to Gun Barrel City. I resumed the journey and tried, in vain, to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to me.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

I looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."



The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."


----------



## cornbread

DONATING CLOTHING

I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to kiss my butt.

Anybody who fits into my clothes definitely ain't starving.


----------



## cornbread

FOUR OLD RETIRED GUYS

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona...

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - ALL
drinks 10 cents'.

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to
be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered
a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...shaken,
not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other.

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish
their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can
stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less
than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a dime a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender said, and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125
million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a
dime...wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in
front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were
there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Florida.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price."


----------



## HDRider

How do they come up with this stuff!


----------



## Evons hubby

HDRider said:


> How do they come up with this stuff!


People watchers mostly.


----------



## AmericanStand

The best ones are probably true at least on some level. 
Did you know on the west side of Chicago O’Hare airport there ised to be a place where you could get a steak dinner while watching girls strip. 
Last joke reminds me of that place


----------



## whiterock

Nothing wrong with a strip steak.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## whiterock

that would be heartbreaking


----------



## haypoint




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## AmericanStand

Irish Pixie said:


>


 Well there is that one about “ it’s a fine time to leave me loose wheel “
I guess that’s a start


----------



## AmericanStand

Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one
When you gonna give me some time, Toyota
Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run
Got it coming off o' the line, toyota
Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind
I always get it up, for the touch of the younger kind
My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
M-m-m-my Toyota
Come a little closer, huh, a-will ya, huh?
Close enough to look in my eyes, Toyota
Keeping it a mystery, it gets to me
Running down the length of my sight, Toyota
Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind
I always get it up, for the touch of the younger kind
My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
M-m-m-my Toyota
M-m-m-my Toyota
When you gonna give to me, a gift to me
Is it just a matter of time, Toyota?
Is it d-d-destiny, d-destiny
Or is it just a game in my mind, Toyota?
Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind
I always get it up, for the touch of the younger kind
My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
M-m-m-m-m-m-m-my, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
M-m-m-my Toyota
M-m-m-my Toyota
M-m-m-my Toyota
M-m-m-my Toyota
Ooooooo-ohhh, my Toyota
Ooooooo-ohhh, my Toyota
Ooooooo-ohhh, my Toyota


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

If she was standing up straight and that is a proper pair of winkers it would either wink at you or look like it was chewing either way
I’m scared !


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## nehimama

First day back to school - Before & After


----------



## nehimama




----------



## HDRider

AmericanStand said:


> The best ones are probably true at least on some level.
> Did you know on the west side of Chicago O’Hare airport there ised to be a place where you could get a steak dinner while watching girls strip.
> Last joke reminds me of that place


Saw Morganna years ago over a steak dinner


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Same in Arkansas.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Shine

nehimama said:


>


That's like me getting something telling me to forward it to 12 of my friends which sends me into a daydream about how I can meet more people to gather this cadre of a dozen friends...


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## HDRider

The funniest nerd I have ever heard


----------



## HDRider




----------



## HDRider




----------



## haypoint




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint




----------



## mzgarden




----------



## HDRider




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Shine

Bearfootfarm said:


> Psychotherapist


The cat is out of the bag...


----------



## Evons hubby

*A wife asks her husband,*
*“Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”*
*“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”*
*“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”*
*“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”*
*“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks,*
*“would she sleep in our bed?”*
*“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.”*
*“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”*
*“Oh, no,” the husband replies.*
*“She’s left-handed!”*


----------



## haypoint

Someone stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

haypoint said:


> Someone stole my limbo stick.
> I mean, how low can you go?


I was just reading about a midget whose pocket was picked.
You wouldn't think someone would stoop that low.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

LOUD observations!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint

Bearfootfarm said:


> I was just reading about a midget whose pocket was picked.
> You wouldn't think someone would stoop that low.


Elevators smell different to midgets.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## popscott

cartoon


----------



## popscott

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/funny-winter-signs_n_6482080


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no....



I was paroled."


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


>


It has taken me over 6 decades to realize this... Still working on compliance...


----------



## light rain

haypoint said:


>


DH really liked this one...


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## FreeRange

KIDNAPPER: Until the ransom is paid, you'll be locked in this room with only a bed and the occasional tray of food.

ME [excitedly]: OMG! Meals, sleep, AND silence??

KIDNAPPER: [glares]

ME: I mean.... oh nooooo


----------



## HDRider

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm.

The county fire department was called to put out the fire.

The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.

Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.

Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.

They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped!

The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions.

Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"


----------



## haypoint




----------



## Evons hubby

Leave them brakes alone! What better incentive to put that fire out than being in the middle of it?!?


----------



## nchobbyfarm

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Leave them brakes alone! What better incentive to put that fire out than being in the middle of it?!?


Exactly! No motivational speaker needed in that case.


----------



## nehimama

haypoint said:


>


Oh, My!   !


----------



## ydderf

Seems the Norwegian navy no longer numbers their ships they all come with a bar code now. When they reach port now someone goes to the dock to scan de navy in.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. 
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 
'There's something wrong with my penis, he replied. 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. 

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. 

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


They got it balanced well!


----------



## whiterock

the longer you look the scarier it gets.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Shine

nehimama said:


>


Why is the "O" yellow?


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 79320


Sad, really.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Karen gets sass again.


----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


Bwaaaaaahahahaha!!


----------



## po boy




----------



## whiterock

My dog doesn't need a sign, she just sits in front of dishwasher.


----------



## po boy

Me


----------



## nehimama




----------



## whiterock

Reminds me of the Dept. of Redundancy Dept.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## AmericanStand

She will be OK because there is a bathroom to the right


----------



## whiterock

lucy in the sky with diamonds


----------



## HDRider

whiterock said:


> lucy in the sky with diamonds


I thought it was C20H25N3O


----------



## haypoint

Genie: What is your final wish?

Boy: I wish I were you.

Genue: weurd but alrught.


----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


>


And this teacher has probably had time to think about the importance of decision making with her children and grandchildren's comments over the decades... Loved it! From WI...The Dairy State...

Wonder if the photographer got smacked with a 2x4 at a later time...


----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


>



Oh I remember one of our children lamenting their introduction/misery with this course...


----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


>


And add advanced years and whole subjects are not to be found...
From personal experience...


----------



## light rain

nehimama said:


> Sad, really.


Yes and the profits and tactics of the pharmaceutical companies are obscene. Check out what 2 weeks of Itraconasole costs... 

One reason I'm trying to learn as much as I can about herbal remedies...

Unfortunately DH needs the rx's.


----------



## Evons hubby

*A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.*
*after dinner, her mother told the girl’s father to find out about the young man.*
*The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.*
*“So, what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.*
*“I am a biblical scholar,” he replied*
*“A biblical scholar, hmmm?” the father said.*
*“Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”*
*I will study,” the young man replied,*
*“and God will provide for us.”*
*“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father.*
*“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied,*
*“God will provide for us.”*
*“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”*
*“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé.*
*The conversation proceeded like this… and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.*
*Later, the mother asked,*
*“How did your talk go, honey?”*
*The father answered,*
*“He’s a Labor voter. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I’m God. “*


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


Been there, done that!! Way too many times! Bwaahahaha


----------



## popscott

A Millennial Job Interview

thedanielbrea melisa tucker tom katsis ralph odierna


----------



## MO_cows

Ain't it the truth....


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Alice In TX/MO

Damn Skippy.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Alice In TX/MO said:


> Damn Skippy.


Now tell us how you feel about JIF and Peter Pan.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


>


This put me in mind of the time my uncle went fishing for a week in Louisiana, when he got home I asked him what kinda fish he'd caught that week.... "Just crabs... And they're still biting!"


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Yvonne's hubby said:


> "Just crabs... And they're still biting!"


----------



## cornbread

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical

Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on her rear end and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.


----------



## cornbread

Boarding A Plane In Israel

*TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.*
*
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.*

*You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:*

*"Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"*


----------



## Evons hubby

cornbread said:


> Boarding A Plane In Israel
> 
> *TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
> 
> It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
> 
> Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.*
> 
> *You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:*
> 
> *"Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"*


Seems reasonable!


----------



## haypoint

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf so she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.


----------



## Evons hubby

haypoint said:


> I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf so she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
> 
> I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.
> 
> And now we wait.


And that's how the fight started!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint

I enjoy football. I got a chance to attend a Green Bay Packer home game. Those fans are crazy! It was packed. Just before the game, from my seat far from the field, I saw a single empty seat, 10 rows back, right on the 50 yard line. I thought, "If only." So I made my way, down one set of stairs after the next. 

When I got to the empty seat, I asked the guy if the seat was taken. He explained, "My wife and I have had home game tickets to the Packers games for 30 years. But she passed away. So, yes the seat is available."

I couldn't believe my good luck! I settled in, but just before the game started, I got to thinking. So I asked him, " Didn't any of your friends or family want this seat?" He explained, " Naw, they all wanted to go to her funeral."


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 79470


Good one!


----------



## light rain

MO_cows said:


> Ain't it the truth....
> View attachment 79434


They have a Puff's tissue with Vicks in it. Bought 2 boxes to be prepared...


----------



## light rain

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 79470


Living dangerously if eating big bowls of chili...


nehimama said:


>


And the PA turnpike...


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## popscott

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 79480


Remember when blowing a tranny meant you had car trouble.


----------



## Evons hubby

po boy said:


> View attachment 79488


Amazing how well that reset button works!


----------



## popscott

Speaking of reset buttons


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Alice In TX/MO

Camera


----------



## alida




----------



## alida

I actually did look for my phone when it was already in my hand - mostly because I thought I had the remote in my hand and I was wondering why it didn't turn the tv off.


----------



## alida




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## Evons hubby

When I first got together with my Yvonne she liked to wear one of my long shirts around the house. Not long after one of my long tee shirts became her fave Jammie's. As time went on she began wearing my jeans around the farm. Eventually she took over my slippers, and even my titey whiteys sometimes. Something about more comfy. I've never said anything about it, thought it was kinda kool. But let me show up one time modeling her bra and panties.....


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## nehimama

"When flashing, you are not supposed to drive over the railroad tracks." English Language Police


----------



## haypoint




----------



## 101pigs

Yvonne's hubby said:


> When I first got together with my Yvonne she liked to wear one of my long shirts around the house. Not long after one of my long tee shirts became her fave Jammie's. As time went on she began wearing my jeans around the farm. Eventually she took over my slippers, and even my titey whiteys sometimes. Something about more comfy. I've never said anything about it, thought it was kinda kool. But let me show up one time modeling her bra and panties.....


Took my lady abou 7 days to take over my TV and Computer.


----------



## po boy




----------



## HDRider

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

*A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.*

*THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY, SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS---I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.






I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.'
*


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## GTX63

I don't care who you are...


----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## whiterock

Did you use that to move back up North?


----------



## nehimama

whiterock said:


> Did you use that to move back up North?


    !!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


It needs Duct Tape.


----------



## po boy




----------



## GTX63

Because the government is always looking out for our children...


----------



## popscott




----------



## haypoint

Home security system...


----------



## nehimama

haypoint said:


> Home security system...


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## alida




----------



## Evons hubby

alida said:


>


Not necessarily. At our house I toss my dirty clothes in a pile in corner of bedroom. Few days later they are all clean, hung up in the closet! It's like magic!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## whiterock

you are about 5 degrees too low.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## D-BOONE

*Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders are on a plane. The plane crashes. Who survives?*
America


----------



## Bearfootfarm

whiterock said:


> you are about 5 degrees too low.


Current conditions:
https://www.wnct.com/weather/
97°F Clear Feels like 98°


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## D-BOONE

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."


----------



## D-BOONE

Q: Is Google male or female? 
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.


----------



## hardrock




----------



## D-BOONE

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."


----------



## D-BOONE

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."


----------



## D-BOONE

Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor." [to attract her]


----------



## D-BOONE

If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you


----------



## D-BOONE

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support


----------



## nehimama

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10216483932984185


----------



## MO_cows

Too true!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


> __ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10216483932984185


I don't see anything but a white screen.
It's odd that Facebook videos don't display for me when others do.


----------



## whiterock

Kid gets hold of cocoa and eats a spoon full of it. Obviously doesn't think it is very good.


----------



## Shine

whiterock said:


> Kid gets hold of cocoa and eats a spoon full of it. Obviously doesn't think it is very good.


It's the Hersey's Chocolate milk mix syndrome, it is an instant learning event, ask me, I know.


----------



## popscott

Shine said:


> It's the Hersey's Chocolate milk mix syndrome, it is an instant learning event, ask me, I know.


poor kid snorted it back out his nose... he needs to try the syrup... much better..


----------



## Evons hubby

popscott said:


> poor kid snorted it back out his nose... he needs to try the syrup... much better..


I used to catch my kids with the Hershey's syrup bottle sneaking a mouthful once in a while.... Had to quit leaving it on the nightstand!


----------



## popscott

Yvonne's hubby said:


> I used to catch my kids with the Hershey's syrup bottle sneaking a mouthful once in a while.... Had to quit leaving it on the nightstand!


on the bedroom nightstand? next to the whip cream and honey bottle you kinky boy?


----------



## AmericanStand

whiterock said:


> Kid gets hold of cocoa and eats a spoon full of it. Obviously doesn't think it is very good.


 Bet he thought it was the chocolate milk stuff
( it was baking coco. )


----------



## Shine

AmericanStand said:


> Bet he thought it was the chocolate milk stuff
> ( it was baking coco. )


I know for certain that I did.


----------



## whiterock

I got into a bag of chocolate chips once when I was a kid. Won't do that more than once.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


BRAVO!!!


----------



## popscott

The Hershey thing reminds me as a child... I was reading the label on the Apple Cider Vinegar Jug... I love Apple Cider... Mom insisted it was cider VINEGAR... I insisted it said Apple Cider and I would like to taste it... it did not turn out well... she made me drink it.


----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

I'm the puppy. Fortunately I survived by eating French Fries and M&M's


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Oxankle

Yikes, I don't even want to walk by that. The guy never took "STRENGTH OF MATERIALS" in his engineering classes.


----------



## D-BOONE

A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.


----------



## D-BOONE

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said, "Yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."


----------



## D-BOONE

A passenger piled his luggage on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent: I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the large bag sent to Denver and the two small ones to Cincinnati." "I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that," said the ticket agent. "That's good to hear because that's where they ended up the last time I flew this route."


----------



## D-BOONE

*Q: *Why is there only one Yogi Bear?

*A: * Because when they tried to make another one, they made a Boo-Boo.


----------



## D-BOONE

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only" Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman!"


----------



## D-BOONE

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.


----------



## D-BOONE

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over... "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"


----------



## D-BOONE

*Sometimes I wrestle with my demons
Other times we just snuggle and have coco *


----------



## Evons hubby

D-BOONE said:


> *Sometimes I wrestle with my demons
> Other times we just snuggle and have coco *


I'm in the snuggely group.


----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## GTX63




----------



## mreynolds

GTX63 said:


>


Funny


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## haypoint




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## mreynolds

Irish Pixie said:


>


Would bow season for them include girls who wear bows?


----------



## whiterock

BFF, don't know that is funny, but it sure is impressive. I'm surprised the people didn't move apart.


----------



## AmericanStand

Lol it was a demonstration.
They stood still on purpose.


----------



## Evons hubby

whiterock said:


> BFF, don't know that is funny, but it sure is impressive. I'm surprised the people didn't move apart.


I'm thinking they was busy!


----------



## Shine

Looks like someone turned this into their own political arena - too sad.

So far, it has been quite the breath of fresh are combined with a smile.


----------



## Irish Pixie

Shine said:


> Looks like someone turned this into their own political arena - too sad.
> 
> So far, it has been quite the breath of fresh are combined with a smile.


To which post are you referring?


----------



## popscott

Bearfootfarm said:


>





whiterock said:


> BFF, don't know that is funny, but it sure is impressive. I'm surprised the people didn't move apart.


Gives me new perspective of how a clumsy turkey can come down off their roost and never hit a limb one before they touch ground... brush it would take me 10 minutes to get through


----------



## Shine

Irish Pixie said:


> To which post are you referring?


Fairly much anyone who posts something that takes this thread from us to enjoy.


----------



## nehimama

Shine said:


> Looks like someone turned this into their own political arena - too sad.
> 
> So far, it has been quite the breath of fresh are combined with a smile.


What??


----------



## Shine

nehimama said:


> What??


I like this thread, many funny items and insights into our own selves. While we look for these smiles and insights, I feel that the political slights for either side are being delivered here in an unnecessary manner, there are many other venues where these discussions can take place on a more insightful level. Hopefully we all can keep our views on politics quiet here as it can get a thread shut down in a heartbeat.


----------



## nehimama

I didn't see anything political???


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Elevenpoint

.


----------



## popscott

elevenpoint said:


> .
> View attachment 79946


Reminds me of the old classic far side


----------



## Elevenpoint

popscott said:


> Reminds me of the old classic far side
> 
> View attachment 79948


That where it's from.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Irish Pixie said:


>


    !!!


----------



## AmericanStand

Irish Pixie said:


>


lol I’m sure other members on this forum like me who have bought and sold ducks have learned that you have to check your auto correct very carefully when discussing them. My AutoCorrect will for some reason randomly change the word duck do something that really isn’t a duck.


----------



## mreynolds

AmericanStand said:


> lol I’m sure other members on this forum like me who have bought and sold ducks have learned that you have to check your auto correct very carefully when discussing them. My AutoCorrect will for some reason randomly change the word duck do something that really isn’t a duck.


That reminds me of a joke I heard long ago. 

Can't put in on here though.


----------



## AmericanStand

Did he get a duck for a buck?


----------



## RideBarefoot

AmericanStand said:


> My AutoCorrect will for some reason randomly change the word duck do something that really isn’t a duck.


Strange, it corrects my "something that isn't duck" to the word duck


----------



## AmericanStand

Lol I don’t use the other word very often maybe that’s why?


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


It is traditional in my family to eat entirely too much ,fall asleep after the meal ,wake up later ,jump up and announce Oh my look how late it is we have to get the kids home to bed!


----------



## nchobbyfarm

A man in Michigan wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Michigan Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls 
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## alida

There is some truth to this in my case.


----------



## no really




----------



## haypoint




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand

Isn’t that a John Deere pattern?


----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Irish Pixie

I bought the fart blaster for our oldest grandson, it didn't go over well at home. Our daughter said, "Why mom!? Why?" His mama would be "discussing his behavior" and he blast her. Sadly, it came up missing.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Boss: Do you believe in Life after Death

Employee: CERTAINLY NOT !
There's NO PROOF.

Boss: well there is NOW.
After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral.......




he came here looking for you.


----------



## HDRider

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"


----------



## Bearfootfarm

HDRider said:


> "What is God's first name? It's Andy.


I thought it was "Art", in Heaven


----------



## Bearfootfarm

A man came into the Sheriff's office and said: "I understand that the burglar who stole from my home a month ago has been identified and arrested. I would like to talk to him".

The Sheriff asked, " What do you want to talk to him about"?

The man replied, "I want to ask him how he got into my house that night without waking up my wife. 

I've been trying to do that for years."


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## popscott

http://www.litlepups.net/2ee1da150e99531a.html


----------



## Bearfootfarm

The first all-female spacewalk recently made history. 

Imagine their mortification when they looked over and saw they were both wearing the same outfit.


----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


> The first all-female spacewalk recently made history.
> 
> Imagine their mortification when they looked over and saw they were both wearing the same outfit.


OMG!!! Hadn't even thought of that!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## alida

the same individual who thought of this!


----------



## AmericanStand

Fun Size ?
Now that is just wrong


----------



## HDRider




----------



## light rain

D-BOONE said:


> A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."


----------



## mreynolds

HDRider said:


>



"_Eww, she puts sugar in it!!!_"

LMAO, too funny.


----------



## light rain

HDRider said:


> When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
> 
> "Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
> 
> "Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
> 
> 1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
> 2) How many seconds are in a year?
> 3) What is God's first name?
> 
> "Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
> St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
> 
> "The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
> "Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
> "Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
> St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
> 
> "And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
> 
> "Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
> 
> "I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
> 
> St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"



!


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


That's an easy one.....
A candy bag salesman.


----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


Reminds me of the civil engineer who designed a recreational area for men. First he creates some fantastic rides designed to delite the male populace, guaranteed to be a major attraction. Then he chooses his location for this project..... Right in the middle of a toxic waste dump! That not being bad enough.... He puts a cranky old woman in charge of the whole thing! She has total say in who gets to use the facility, when they can play and for how long! Sad sad sad!


----------



## Nimrod

Ole and Sven went out for a night on the town and Sven got lucky. A few months later Ole asked Sven if he had given the woman Ole's name instead of his own. Ole said he had heard from the woman's lawyer and was trying to figure it out. Fearing the worst Sven admitted that he had used Ole's name that night. Ole told Sven that he must have really satisfied the woman because she had died and left him a farm and $100,000.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Congratulations to Canada for the election of their first black Prime Minister:


----------



## emdeengee

I soooo love kids. Especially the mischievous ones. The interaction between these two brothers reminds me so much of the past. I can't stop smiling. What a mess but what a great family video for the future. Hope they show this to any future girl friends!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


Awwww, such a sweet girl!


----------



## mreynolds

nehimama said:


>


A peeping Bessie!!


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Awwww, such a sweet girl!


Those are the *dangerous* ones.


----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


> Those are the *dangerous* ones.


She reminds me of one I used to own. When I called the calves in of an evening about the last hundred yards or so to the barn she would get up on her hind legs and walk upright with me to the barn. Did the same thing the day I took her to the sale barn. She walked in fully upright, circled the ring couple times, squatted down right below the auctioneer, jumped way up and licked his face. Buyers loved it, brought best price of the day!


----------



## po boy




----------



## muleskinner2

Peas;

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes them taste quite funny, but it keeps them on the knife.


----------



## mreynolds

I'm not a fig plucker nor a fig pluckers son, but I'll pluck figs till the fig plucker comes.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> I'm not a fig plucker nor a fig pluckers son, but I'll pluck figs till the fig plucker comes.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

You know the Democratic Party is in trouble when they draw more people at a funeral then they do it their rallies.


----------



## SLADE

Bearfootfarm said:


> You know the Democratic Party is in trouble when they draw more people at a funeral then they do it their rallies.
> View attachment 80206


You hide in the funniest places.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

SRSLADE said:


> You hide in the funniest places.


If I were hiding you'd never know where I was.


----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 80204


I cant help it. The hardhat in me comes out every once in a while.


----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Does the next house have ranch packets?


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. 

Suddenly a man knocks on the drivers window. 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's happening?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped Nancy Pelosi. 

They are asking for a $10 million ransom. 

Otherwise they are going to douse her with gasoline and set her on fire. 

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." 

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?" 




"About a gallon."


----------



## SLADE

Bearfootfarm said:


> A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
> 
> Suddenly a man knocks on the drivers window.
> 
> The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's happening?"
> 
> "Terrorists have kidnapped Nancy Pelosi.
> 
> They are asking for a $10 million ransom.
> 
> Otherwise they are going to douse her with gasoline and set her on fire.
> 
> We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
> 
> The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "About a gallon."


Political. Should be removed.


----------



## SLADE

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Put me down for a quart, things are tight here lately!


3 quarts short of a full gallon. HA HA HA


----------



## Hiro




----------



## [email protected]

I have heard variations of that item on and off for the past 50 years. It was humorous the first time. but it certainly is not original or unique.
all it does, is cause a series of non humorous replies, including this one.
this thread is for humor to give us a break from all the other threads. let's keep it that way, OK ?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

SRSLADE said:


> It's without humor and another name would not make it funny.
> It's warped.


----------



## mreynolds

nehimama said:


>


I bet it was my doctor.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## D-BOONE

I haven’t quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never really figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t fee like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either


----------



## Evons hubby

Great story!


----------



## D-BOONE

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"


----------



## D-BOONE

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"


----------



## D-BOONE

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and 6 sisters and they didn't know either.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

Seems about right size container to me!


----------



## whiterock

takes less shelf space than a big bowl or pot


----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 80344


That's her story and she is sticking to it. 

When i married my wife over 2 decades ago her son was 5. He always called me uncle mreynolds. He went to school and told his teacher his mom was marrying his uncle. 

We got the call too.


----------



## mreynolds

nehimama said:


>


And EXACTLY why we do it....


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> And EXACTLY why we do it....


It's actually the most efficient use of space.


----------



## nchobbyfarm

mreynolds said:


> And EXACTLY why we do it....


Shhhhh!! Dont give away the secret. I haven't done laundry in 24 years after the pink color for everything incident.


----------



## AmericanStand

mreynolds said:


> That's her story and she is sticking to it.
> 
> When i married my wife over 2 decades ago her son was 5. He always called me uncle mreynolds. He went to school and told his teacher his mom was marrying his uncle.
> 
> We got the call too.


 A while After my wife and her brother both left their Spouses on the same day I wound up dating my sister-in-law.
Her kids went to school and told their teachers that daddy was gone but now mommys brother slept in her room.


----------



## AmericanStand

Wisdom from the wimpy kid series never be good at something you don’t want to do


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## popscott

nehimama said:


>


Not my frig... that snickers bar would not be laying there...


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## AmericanStand




----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


 waiting for this for 15 years!
I was between Buffalo New York and airy Pennsylvania on the New York throughway. driving in a terrible blizzard. 
I had to have the heater on full blast to keep the windshield clear enough to see anything. 
that meant I also had to keep a side window open for enough cooling air to keep from baking
At 2 o’clock in the morning in the middle of a blizzard a huge hornet flew in through the window. 
There was a frantic battle but the door came open and the hornet flew out and I proceeded down the road
At my next stop at a rest area I discovered I was missing a shoe.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Never wear flip flops while doing auto repairs, it's not safe.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Alice In TX/MO

My parents had that exact phone.


----------



## whiterock

I got one like it in yellow. Estate sale. Worked until last year when my phone line in the house went digital.


----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


I passed someone on an Interstate highway who had a pair of shoes sitting on their roof.
I pulled up beside them and tried to tell them, but by the time I could make them understand what I was saying one of the shoes fell off. I don't know if they went back to find it.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


I still have one of those in black but I no longer have a "land line".


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10156201812491351


http s://www.facebook.com/MarieElizebethTaylor/videos/10156201812491351/


----------



## HDRider

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 80460


Did you see the other message in that?


----------



## Redlands Okie

Hard to miss


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 80478


Preaching to the choir....


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> Preaching to the choir....


*AMEN!!*


----------



## no really

Bearfootfarm said:


> *AMEN!!*


Hallelujah!!

Nice sig line


----------



## Bearfootfarm

no really said:


> Nice sig line


Truth is stranger than fiction.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## no really




----------



## MO_cows

Alice In TX/MO said:


> My parents had that exact phone.


I think everyone in America did at some point. Ours ended up in the toy box, DS played with it after we "modernized".


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott

*To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.*


----------



## Evons hubby

popscott said:


> *To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.*


That's my motto!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Nimrod

Did you hear about the fire at the Governor's mansion in W. Virginia? It was a terrible conflagration. It's a good thing the fire department got there as quickly as it did. The fire almost spread to the rest of the trailer park.


----------



## [email protected]

when we were kids we used to catch 5 inch perch.
How do you measure your fish ? We measured them from eye to eye.
I once caught a Northern Pike while ice fishing.
I don't know for sure how long it was. because I kept pulling it through the hole until I couldn't reach any higher, so I just cut it off at the ice . and kept only the front part..


----------



## Evons hubby

Sounds a bit fishy from here... But it's your story, tell it your way!


----------



## Redlands Okie

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Sounds a bit fishy from here... But it's your story, tell it your way!


Well it sounds only partly fishy


----------



## po boy

A priest entered his prize donkey in a race and it won!

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PRIEST'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

They buried the Bishop the next day.


----------



## po boy




----------



## popscott

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of vehicle ?

Husband: She took my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th,

pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine

ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,

Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.

It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats.

Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio,

Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets.

I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. 

It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.


----------



## popscott

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. 
The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’

Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’ 

Man: 'Not particularly, but she will be home shortly.'


----------



## Bearfootfarm

This just in:







That is all.


----------



## MO_cows

Hey Canada, come get your weather! It's drunk and causing trouble down here in Missouri.


----------



## HDRider

MO_cows said:


> Hey Canada, come get your weather! It's drunk and causing trouble down here in Missouri.


It has wandered all the way down to Arkansas.


----------



## whiterock

I hear it's sleeting below San Antonio.


----------



## HDRider

whiterock said:


> I hear it's sleeting below San Antonio.


Now we know the real reason for climate change, Canadians.


----------



## whiterock

Nothing new. There was ice on the ground during the last Battle of the Alamo. Mexican army was suffering from the cold as most were from the warmer sections of Mexico.


----------



## HDRider

whiterock said:


> Nothing new. There was ice on the ground during the last Battle of the Alamo. Mexican army was suffering from the cold as most were from the warmer sections of Mexico.


I thought that was God playing favorites.


----------



## mreynolds

whiterock said:


> Nothing new. There was ice on the ground during the last Battle of the Alamo. Mexican army was suffering from the cold as most were from the warmer sections of Mexico.


I remember 2010 there was ice all the way to Laredo. Black ice on hwy 59. A few inches. Construction stopped and I went hunting.


----------



## ShannonR

nehimama said:


>


I've apparently seen this truck, too


----------



## Evons hubby

ShannonR said:


> I've apparently seen this truck, too


Hope he gets through scales ok!


----------



## AmericanStand

No way not with an extra truck truck load on!


----------



## AmericanStand

Did I pass one of you guys ?


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Nimrod

Statistics show that, somewhere in the world, a woman has a baby every 14 seconds. Will someone please find this woman and stop her?


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## AmericanStand

But my Mexican friends tell me they’re a little spicier....


----------



## [email protected]

Doctor to elderly woman patient with bad hearing:
Big breaths .
Yes she replied, they use to be..


----------



## po boy

[email protected] said:


> Doctor to elderly woman patient with bad hearing:
> Big breaths .
> Yes she replied, they use to be..


During a knee reflex test?


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

When you're admiring your Christmas trees this year, congratulate yourself on your hard work.




Just like Jeffrey Epstein, those ornaments didn't hang themselves.


----------



## SLADE

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 80928


I'm surprised he can lift a gun. With all his bone spurs that's very heroic on his part.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

SRSLADE said:


> I'm surprised he can lift a gun. With all his bone spurs that's very heroic on his part.


Don't be hatin'.


----------



## Shine

SRSLADE said:


> I'm surprised he can lift a gun. With all his bone spurs that's very heroic on his part.


Ho, ho, ho... Merry Christmas.


----------



## SLADE

He's no Charlton heston.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

SRSLADE said:


> He's no Charlton heston.


More hatin'.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Fast learner:
https://giphy.com/gifs/2-boys-with-shovel-hVCoFM5iWgW3yLSJ5l


----------



## alida




----------



## Shine

alida said:


> View attachment 80940


Yeah, and they're tasked to insure that you are healthy. Wonder what some of the descriptions of those "dance" abilities were to summon the health care people? lol...


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Not really funny, just cool...
https://external-preview.redd.it/Pn...p4&s=a3b38ee448cc06a9647b7bd3db0bc9a6653bc28f


----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


> Not really funny, just cool...
> https://external-preview.redd.it/Pn...p4&s=a3b38ee448cc06a9647b7bd3db0bc9a6653bc28f


Very cool!!


----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> Not really funny, just cool...
> https://external-preview.redd.it/Pn...p4&s=a3b38ee448cc06a9647b7bd3db0bc9a6653bc28f


What???


----------



## nchobbyfarm

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! 

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.


----------



## AmericanStand




----------



## coolrunnin

That's cool


Bearfootfarm said:


> Not really funny, just cool...
> https://external-preview.redd.it/Pn...p4&s=a3b38ee448cc06a9647b7bd3db0bc9a6653bc28f


----------



## HDRider




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## AmericanStand

I no longer get bank statements my account is so messed up the bank won’t even speak to me.....


----------



## mreynolds

AmericanStand said:


> I no longer get bank statements my account is so messed up the bank won’t even speak to me.....


I get bank statements. They always tell me no in one word sentences.


----------



## AmericanStand

The last time I asked for a statement on my account they replied “no comment”


----------



## AmericanStand

So I’m in Reno and last night I bought him on the roulette table for $.25 chip 
After a few hours the croupier and I got to discussing gambling terms. 
Apparently a whale can drop 1 million bucks the big fish can drop 100,000
I made the comment that obviously I must be a guppy with my $20 Buy in. 
She smiled threw her head back and laughed,and she said oh honey you’re not even the fuzzy stuff That makes the water green!


----------



## D-BOONE

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”


----------



## D-BOONE

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”


----------



## D-BOONE

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”


----------



## D-BOONE

If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee
If you were my wife I would drink it.

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!


----------



## D-BOONE

The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus


----------



## D-BOONE

How do you know that Santa is a man?
Answer: No woman wears the same attire every year.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Click on image to play GIF:


----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> Click on image to play GIF:
> View attachment 81296


That girl will have nightmares.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> That girl will have nightmares.


I can't believe it took her so long to move away.


----------



## po boy




----------



## genebo

A man tells his friend, "I just got a new Cadillac for my wife."
The friend answers, "You are lucky! I'll bet I couldn't get a used Volkswagen for mine."


----------



## mreynolds

genebo said:


> A man tells his friend, "I just got a new Cadillac for my wife."
> The friend answers, "You are lucky! I'll bet I couldn't get a used Volkswagen for mine."


I hope you have a heated doghouse.


----------



## AmericanStand

This might be the cleanest road in America


----------



## AmericanStand

What would you call the town of boring morons?


----------



## po boy

AmericanStand said:


> View attachment 81382
> 
> This might be the cleanest road in America


Any mules?


----------



## AmericanStand

Think I saw about 20 of them


----------



## mreynolds

AmericanStand said:


> View attachment 81382
> 
> This might be the cleanest road in America


Oh Fab, I'm glad......


----------



## mreynolds

Now I know how old you are @AmericanStand


----------



## AmericanStand

I didn’t think it was a secret! I sat on the committee that invented dirt.....


----------



## AmericanStand




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 81456


fatal error?


----------



## po boy

mreynolds said:


> fatal error?


Lol


----------



## [email protected]

did you hear of the poor snake ?
he didn't have a pit to hiss in..


----------



## [email protected]

Patient to nurse: that suppository you gave to me sure was hard to swallow..
Nurse: OH !! you weren't supposed to swallow it !!
Patient: well, what did you expect me to do with it ? 
shove it up my a... ?


----------



## [email protected]

a mouse and an elephant went walking together.
they crossed a bridge, and when they got to the other side, the mouse said: we really shook that bridge, didn't we ??


----------



## popscott

....


----------



## popscott

....


----------



## [email protected]

Boss: you two guys keep digging that ditch. I'll be back in about an hour.
1st man: He does that every day, where does he go?
2nd man: I don't know, I think I will follow him this time.
in a few minutes the 2nd man comes back.
1st man: well ?
2nd man: I followed him to my house and looked through the window. he was kissing my wife..
I hurried right back here, It's a good thing he didn't see me..


----------



## mreynolds

There was an Aggie that when he died he wanted to be buried at sea. 

His 3 friends died while digging the grave.


----------



## oldasrocks

I hear it's even sheeting on SF sidewalks. Must be a cold winter.


----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Don't ax him what he's going to do.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

https://www.facebook.com/thejoyofanimals/photos/a.1550311111921689/2286981031588023/?type=3&theater

*Hello there! Are we related?*


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## HDRider

mreynolds said:


> There was an Aggie that when he died he wanted to be buried at sea.
> 
> His 3 friends died while digging the grave.


There was a UT graduate who wanted to be buried at sea.

He didn't have three friends. 

Note: I had to do that for my A&M friends.


----------



## Alice In TX/MO

He didn’t have three Aggie friends.


----------



## HDRider

Alice In TX/MO said:


> He didn’t have three Aggie friends.


I'd think he didn't even have one


----------



## mreynolds

HDRider said:


> There was a UT graduate who wanted to be buried at sea.
> 
> He didn't have three friends.
> 
> Note: I had to do that for my A&M friends.


There were three longhorns at the Dairy Queen after the game. Another one came up and yelled "there's an AGGIE over at the Sonic." So the 4 of them got on their cell phones and called all of their friends and about 20 of them headed to the Sonic to "Gig" the Aggie. They sent one ahead as a scout and about the time they got there the scout came back and yelled.....

"GO BACK, GO BACK.....IT"S A TRAP. There's two of them." 

I hope your not a fan @Alice In TX/MO


----------



## Alice In TX/MO

My boys are fifth generation Longhorns, a great uncle was a professor, etc. 

However, the rivalry has, on occasion, gotten ugly. 

I stopped caring much after my younger son graduated.


----------



## mreynolds

Alice In TX/MO said:


> My boys are fifth generation Longhorns, a great uncle was a professor, etc.
> 
> However, the rivalry has, on occasion, gotten ugly.
> 
> I stopped caring much after my younger son graduated.


At least you guys got Matt McConaughey.


----------



## Alice In TX/MO

Um. Don’t ask my younger son (UT football team walk on) about that person.


----------



## mreynolds

Alice In TX/MO said:


> Um. Don’t ask my younger son (UT football team walk on) about that person.


LOL, I wondered about that decision myself.


----------



## [email protected]

Doctor: ma'm , your problem is just that you are overweight.
Woman: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: OK , you are ugly, too.


----------



## AmericanStand

Have you ever wonder how you wind up in a padded cell ?apparently it involves failing the eye test 







Hint!
Don’t answer Minion conga line at McDonald’s ball pit


----------



## AmericanStand

And I am pretty sure that this one is Dr. Zeus spanking the Grinch.


----------



## AmericanStand

There are two nuts in a nuthouse one of them thinks that he is Jesus the other one thinks he’s a Roman
One day the Roman starts to build a cross right next to the guy who thinks he is Jesus. Eventually the guy asks what he is doing.

The Roman replies that Easter is this coming Sunday, so he has to get the cross ready for the crucifixion on Friday. That it is Thursday, so he only has a few hours left to get the cross ready.

The guy just stares at Him for a long time and then he whispers to him "I'm really not Jesus. I just pretend to be".
And the Roman replies I’m not actually Roman either. 


Thank you moon river


----------



## AmericanStand

Greed is just motivation in dollars and cents


----------



## Evons hubby

AmericanStand said:


> Greed is just motivation in dollars and cents


It's a good one too! Works for nearly everyone!


----------



## [email protected]

two nuts at a nuthouse climb up onto the roof. the wind knocks the ladder over and they are stranded until after dark. 
Nut#1: I have a flashlight . I will turn it on and you can slide down the beam and set the ladder up.
Nut#2: No way, I know you, I would get about half way down and you would turn off the light..


----------



## AmericanStand

I have a terrible headache today I might try one of those aspirin burgers.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## D-BOONE

Why is Santa always smiling?
He knows where all the naughty girls live....


----------



## Bearfootfarm

5 minutes:


----------



## [email protected]

My uncles' favorite story:
A man goes in to apply for a job.
He asked, how much do you pay ?
The boss said: We pay you what you are worth.
The man said: Oh no, I can't work that cheap..


----------



## MO_cows

I know the guy who sculpted the Longhorn statue on the campus. He put titanium in the horns to prevent them from becoming a trophy.


----------



## [email protected]

what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup ?
you can roast beef, but you can't.....


----------



## mreynolds

[email protected] said:


> what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup ?
> you can roast beef, but you can't.....


A vegetarian tried to tell my wife she knew me from way back. 

I told her I had never seen herbivore.


----------



## [email protected]

3 nuns were cleaning the priests house.
first nun said, I found some condoms in father's dresser drawer.
second nun said, so did I, and I punched holes in all of them.
third nun, fainted ..


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## [email protected]

father taking his four year old on a small roller coaster ride. Just as soon as they started moving the little boy said, can I go wee ? Dad said, not right now son, can you wait a little while ? Son said, OK. right after the first hump the little boy said, Now can I go wee ?
No son, not right now..
In about 5 minutes the ride came to an end. the little boy said, Now daddy ?
OK son, you can. the little boy goes Weeeeeee !!


----------



## 101pigs

AmericanStand said:


> I would do that !
> 
> I ate dinner one time with my girlfriend my ex-girlfriend and my wife ........


Hope you kept them all happy after Dinner. 
I always kept my girlfriends and wifes unknown to each other. Less explaining to do.


----------



## AmericanStand

101pigs said:


> Hope you kept them all happy after Dinner.
> I always kept my girlfriends and wifes unknown to each other. Less explaining to do.


 Yes I made them all happy after dinner , I made my girlfriend happy by taking her home after dinner and I made all the rest happy by not taking them home after dinner


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Bearfootfarm

The young monk was assigned to the catacombs to help the elder monk transcribe the ancient scrolls.

"Father, how do we know that these scrolls were transcribed correctly from the previous scrolls?" he asked.

"That's a very good question, my son," and the old monk left his station walking further into the catacombs.

The young monk did not see the elder for the rest of the day, nor at dinner that night nor at vespers.

The following morning the young monk went to his station to continue work and heard a soft, distant sobbing. He followed the sound deep into the catacombs where he found the elder sitting at a table, multiple scrolls in front of him. "Father, what is the matter?"

The elder looked up, his face wet with tears and said "the word was celebrate .."


----------



## [email protected]

the monks had a contract with the casino to wash the poker chips. 
every day the youngest monk would deliver the cleaned chips and pick up the one to be cleaned.
after years of doing so, the young monk became known as the chip monk.


----------



## mreynolds

[email protected] said:


> the monks had a contract with the casino to wash the poker chips.
> every day the youngest monk would deliver the cleaned chips and pick up the one to be cleaned.
> after years of doing so, the young monk became known as the chip monk.


Let me guess, his name wasn't Alvin was it?


----------



## AmericanStand




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## AmericanStand

mreynolds said:


> Let me guess, his name wasn't Alvin was it?


No but since he had to use the original entrance that became the servants entrance after remodeling he was Theolddoor Chip Monk.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## popscott

Now I get it.... the "deer in the headlight look"


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## [email protected]

popscott said:


> Now I get it.... the "deer in the headlight look"
> 
> steak on the grill..
> 
> View attachment 82382


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## DianeWV

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 82314


LOL! That's a good one!


----------



## Bearfootfarm

The lady in the pew next to me was saying a prayer.

It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:

"Dear Lord: The last four or five years have been very tough.

You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman;

My favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor;

My favorite singer - Andy Williams;

My favorite author - Tom Clancy;

And now, my favorite comedians - Robin Williams and Joan Rivers.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are:

Adam Schiff, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Maxine Waters, Elizabeth Warren, Joe (touchy) Biden and Barry Sanders, and I also have a special place in my heart for George Soros, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and Chicago's mayor, Rahm Emanuel and my favorite shoe salesman Colin Kaepernick.

Amen"


----------



## [email protected]

the new young minister makes a house call to a very old church member.
as they are talking, the phone in the kitchen rings.
the old lady excuses herself and tells the young man to make himself at home.
as he sits there he notices a small dish of peanuts on the table.
so making himself at home, he eats one. and then another. pretty soon they are all gone.
the old lady comes back and the young minister sheepishly tells her that he ate all of the peanuts.
She said, Oh that's alright, I can't chew them anymore anyway.. I just suck the chocolate off of them..


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

I joined a procrastinator club. we haven't had our first meeting, yet.


----------



## popscott

And all I ever had was a sailboat....


----------



## [email protected]

two trappers, hopelessly lost in the snowy mountain and half starved, came across a frozen half eaten deer carcass
one of the men gets down on his knees and begins chewing on the carcass. he pauses and asked the other man, aren't you going to eat ? the second man says, I'll pass. 
about an hour after eating, the first man pukes up a pile of meat. 
the second man immediately begins to eat it.
he says, I knew I would get a warm meal out of this..


----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## oldasrocks

popscott said:


> And all I ever had was a sailboat....


I WANT ONE!!!!!!!!


----------



## HDRider

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."


----------



## Bearfootfarm

HDRider said:


> "Not everybody pays."


----------



## genebo

SueEllen, get the dishrag and wipe that child's snotty nose.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's nastiness!


----------



## whiterock

HOw many times I got to tell you, lick that knife off before you put it back in the butter


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Nimrod

Found this hilarious.


----------



## wkndwrnch

Nimrod said:


> Found this hilarious.


My oldest brother served in the Air Force in Thailand, he was a mechanic on the Blackbird SR 71.He always gets excited about the memories of that plane! 

*The United States Air Force* (*USAF*) deployed combat aircraft to *Thailand* from 1961 to 1975 *during* the *Vietnam* War. Today, *US* military units train with other Asian militaries in *Thailand*. Royal *Thai Air Force* Bases are an important element in the Pentagon's "forward positioning" strategy.


----------



## AmericanStand

A story is told About the same plane calling Center and asking for permission for 79,000 feet. Center response by sarcastically asking how they propose to climb to 79,000 feet (about twice as high as most airliners fly)
After a slight pause the aircraft answers back” Center I was not proposing to climb to 79,000 feet I was asking permission to descend to 79,000 feet“
Lol That had to be a great day in the cockpit of the plane.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Lisa in WA

A redhead walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me....I ache all over". The Doctor says, "really, let me see if I can help...show me where it hurts". The redhead points down to her knee, pokes it and screams in pain. The Doctor nods, takes some notes and asks..."Anwhere else?". The girl points to her head, taps her skull and lets out a squeal of pain. The doctor raises his eyebrows, nods a bit, and says..."Hmmm..that is interesting....where else does it hurt?" The redhead reaches behind her back, points to her backside, pokes herself and yells in agony. The doctor writes something in his book, closes it and says "OK, I think I know what the problem is..........you have dyed your hair...you were once blonde, correct?"...The redhead says, "Well yes, but what does that have to do with anything?"
The doctor says...."Your finger is broken"....


----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## dsmythe

alida said:


>


Good One Alida....I don't drink coffee but I sure do have lots of negotiations about what I am going to get done today....Dsmythe


----------



## Bearfootfarm

alida said:


>


AMEN!!!!


----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## wr

Thread is for humor and there are plenty of others for discussion.


----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Nimrod

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 82684


Will he rise from the dead?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Nimrod said:


> Will he rise from the dead?


Only if he's in a warm place.


----------



## alida




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## whiterock

that is for sure a storm warning


----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Evons hubby

Lisa in WA said:


> View attachment 82724


Bless it's widdle heart!


----------



## mreynolds

*

Store in Boston*










_And they still complain about Texan accents......_


----------



## mreynolds




----------



## mreynolds

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy contemplated for a moment and replied, "Yeah, you would have to talk to Pa about that! If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."


----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. 

He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him. The next morning, Peter's wife says, "Pete, you bloody worthless idiot, no good drunkard! You were at the bar last night drinking again!" Peter was confused. "How did you find out?" "

The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Lisa in WA

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 82788


or HT!


----------



## nchobbyfarm

Lisa in WA said:


> or HT!


Wait! If I like this post, am I part of the problem? Or the solution? Dang, what to do.........


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Lisa in WA said:


> or HT!


That's what made it seem so funny to me.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nchobbyfarm said:


> Wait! If I like this post, am I part of the problem? Or the solution? Dang, what to do........


You'll get blamed for something either way.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

How to have a long successful marriage:
1:36 Run time


----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


> How to have a long successful marriage:
> 1:36 Run time


Nothing wrong with getting the rules straight right up front!


----------



## [email protected]

a 95 year old man goes to the doctor for a physical .
He tells the doctor, you know , I am getting checked up because I am getting married..
The doctor replies, who is the lucky lady ?
The old man says, she is a 21 year old nurse who is taking care of me..
The doctor says,, you know, having sex could be fatal.
The old man says, yes, I know, but if she dies, she dies.


----------



## [email protected]

a new upscale grocery store opened up near us.
It has a water mister that just before it goes on to mist the produce, you hear distance thunder and smell fresh rain. When you approach the dairy section, you hear the soft mooing of cows and the smell of fresh hay,
when you come to the eggs, you hear hens clucking and smell the aroma of eggs and bacon frying, when you get to the vegetables, you smell the corn dipped in butter,.
I don't buy toilet paper there..


----------



## Bearfootfarm

[email protected] said:


> a 95 year old man goes to the doctor for a physical .
> He tells the doctor, you know , I am getting checked up because I am getting married..
> The doctor replies, who is the lucky lady ?
> The old man says, she is a 21 year old nurse who is taking care of me..
> The doctor says,, you know, having sex could be fatal.
> The old man says, yes, I know, but if she dies, she dies.


I just saw that joke with Grandpa Jones on Hee Haw.


----------



## Lisa in WA

https://www.instagram.com/p/B6MQBLQjQIF/?igshid=1c0femz6uk3g7


----------



## [email protected]

two aged termites enter a tavern and ask,
"where's the bar tender ?"


----------



## Seth

[email protected] said:


> two aged termites enter a tavern and ask,
> "where's the bar tender ?"



Groaner of the day!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## HDRider

Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.

At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium...and then the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"


----------



## mreynolds

HDRider said:


> Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.
> 
> At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.
> 
> The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.
> 
> The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"
> 
> Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"
> 
> Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
> 
> A hush fell over the auditorium...and then the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"


Good one. That would never happen at A&M.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## HDRider

mreynolds said:


> Good one. That would never happen at A&M.


UT, maybe?


----------



## mreynolds

HDRider said:


> UT, maybe?


For sure.


----------



## mreynolds

nehimama said:


>


I don't get it.....


----------



## StL.Ed

nehimama said:


>





mreynolds said:


> I don't get it.....


The joke is that the pistol is sitting the wrong direction...you should really turn it over so that it's easier to pick up!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## mreynolds

StL.Ed said:


> The joke is that the pistol is sitting the wrong direction...you should really turn it over so that it's easier to pick up!


You are right... I missed that. I bet there is not even one in the chamber. What a noob.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

StL.Ed said:


> The joke is that the pistol is sitting the wrong direction.


There should also be as many on the table as there are on the mug.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Today a Chinese guy caused a stampede at Los Angeles Airport when he told immigration his name is ........





Ah Chu


----------



## AmericanStand

I once knew a Chinese man named Sean O’Connor. It seemed a rather unusual name and I asked him how he came by that, was it relatives is folks have a interest in Irish actors or something else?
he said it was given to him by the US government when he immigrated to this country. Confused I asked him how that worked he said well as he came through immigration processing a large Irish man by the name is Sean O’Connor Was standing in front of him and processed in just before he did.
So when the immigration officer asked him his name and he said “Sam Ting” immigration officer looked at him oddly and said OK you are now Sean O’Connor in this country and handed him the paperwork.....


----------



## HDRider

StL.Ed said:


> The joke is that the pistol is sitting the wrong direction...you should really turn it over so that it's easier to pick up!


Might be a reach-across lefty


----------



## whiterock

I thought it was a lack of biscuits and gravy


----------



## AmericanStand

Does anyplace else even have biscuits and gravy?


----------



## poppy

AmericanStand said:


> Does anyplace else even have biscuits and gravy?


Recipe is national secret and classified.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

It can't be a proper breakfast without Grits, but they might be under the bacon.


----------



## Lisa in WA

Attracts badgers!


----------



## Bearfootfarm

The potatoes thing works.
I've never seen a toucan here when I had potatoes.


----------



## Elevenpoint

AmericanStand said:


> Does anyplace else even have biscuits and gravy?


Here this morning.


----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Seth

Lisa in WA said:


> View attachment 82952



This is undeniable TRUTH!


----------



## Evons hubby

Seth said:


> This is undeniable TRUTH!


Not me... I don't do granola. Gotta watch my pockets for a sausage biscuit.


----------



## Seth

Yvonne's hubby said:


> Not me... I don't do granola. Gotta watch my pockets for a sausage biscuit.



Noperino, Lisa's post.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Lisa in WA said:


> View attachment 82952


Finally, some worthwhile advice on the internet.


----------



## HDRider




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.




When they got home, their mailman was dead on the front porch.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

When I was a kid I used to wish I could read people's minds..... 


Twitter has shown me what a wasted super-power that would be


----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## popscott

Lisa in WA said:


> View attachment 83148
> View attachment 83150
> View attachment 83152


Dude looks like a lady


----------



## Danaus29

popscott said:


> Dude looks like a lady


Especially in the last one.


----------



## mreynolds

popscott said:


> Dude looks like a lady


double post


----------



## mreynolds

popscott said:


> Dude looks like a lady


Funny story. That song was supposed to be Cruising for a lady. After the song was cut they met at a bar. Lo and behold but Nikki Sixx the bass player from Motley Crew suggested they change it to _Dude Looks Like a Lady _as a joke.

And they did.

That is the only phrase they changed so next time you listen to it change the lyrics and you'll see it was intended for cruising for a lady instead.


----------



## AmericanStand

Bearfootfarm said:


> When I was a kid I used to wish I could read people's minds.....
> 
> 
> Twitter has shown me what a wasted super-power that would be


That would have been the scariest superpower !


----------



## whiterock

Lot of blank journals out there.


----------



## Alice In TX/MO

A bit dated, but relevant today about the media induced fear of diseases.


----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Trump supporters are called Trumpers. 


Bloomberg supporters are called Bloomers. 



Biden supporters are called Ukrainians


----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> Trump supporters are called Trumpers.
> 
> 
> Bloomberg supporters are called Bloomers.
> 
> 
> 
> Biden supporters are called Ukrainians


That's funny right there. I don't care who you are.


----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## ladytoysdream

Not sure if this has been posted or not
.


----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


As apposed to how women apologize.....

They don't, they're never wrong!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## SLADE




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## whiterock

Well, I'm sure there are folks in Kansas that like the Chiefs. Western Kansas may like the Broncos.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

One vowel movement changes everything.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## SLADE

LE PEW


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

As soon as I saw this, it made me think of someone here.
I can easily picture her saying this to some poor, hapless fool .

But I won't say who it is.

No really, I won't.


----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 83372


That's not funny. that is the truth.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> That's not funny. that is the truth.


Being the truth is what makes it funny. 
(As long as she's not looking at me when she says it)


----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> Being the truth is what makes it funny.
> (As long as she's not looking at me when she says it)


Well, I was talking about the other post you had. I cant comment on the latter one as she is closer to me than you. 

_But she does get up your way too ya know. _


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> Well, I was talking about the other post you had.


OOPS!



mreynolds said:


> But she does get up your way too ya know.


I'm not afraid of her very much if I can hide.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## [email protected]

back in the day, when pushing a car was quite normal to get one started.
a man told his new bride that she had to push his car with the pickup truck.
she was clueless, but agreed.
he told her to go about 30 mph.
so he got into the car and watched in the rear view mirror as she came up behind him,,,,,at 30 mph !! 
supposedly a true story..


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


One of my cousins has a food truck.


----------



## nehimama

Bearfootfarm said:


> One of my cousins has a food truck.


Hmmm! Tacos or gyros?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Environmentalists force me to think about the world we want to leave someday.........................................................................................................................






to Keith Richards and Willie Nelson.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


> Hmmm! Tacos or gyros?


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## AmericanStand

Don’t let that pesky food ruin a good lunch!


----------



## mnn2501




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.
Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says...........





“Sweetie, why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?"


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## alida




----------



## alida

too much truth to this one..


----------



## alida




----------



## Bearfootfarm

alida said:


>


It's discombobulated.


----------



## AmericanStand

Cractucus Potts could fix it With a chit or a bang.


----------



## Seth

alida said:


>



You'd be amazed at how many people come into the dealership to ask advice on how to fix their tractors, etc and use these very descriptions. They do not know what model tractor they own nor can they say what is wrong with it, but they do not want us to fix it and they argue when you offer an idea as to what the problem is.


----------



## nchobbyfarm

Seth said:


> You'd be amazed at how many people come into the dealership to ask advice on how to fix their tractors, etc and use these very descriptions. They do not know what model tractor they own nor can they say what is wrong with it, but they do not want us to fix it and they argue when you offer an idea as to what the problem is.


That's when I would want to tell them that the wifflegear on the rigamortus shaft is bent and walk away. But customer service dictates you cannot I know.


----------



## Elevenpoint

I told my less than bright foreman the machine was down due to the futenator valve was shot.
He went in the office and told the big boss.
He came out 30 seconds later looking like he was going to have a stroke.
2 out of 3 of us thought it was funny.


----------



## [email protected]

true story:
I worked for a graphics services place. We made parts catalogs for a large heavy equipment company.
often we had to drive a few miles to take pictures etc of the machinery..
One of the guys who I worked with stuttered.
He went to the equipment factory and somebody there told him that Ed, the company owner wanted to see him. So he goes to the office and is ushered into Ed's office. 
He says, yyyyou wwanted tto sssee me?
Ed looks at him and says:
Wwwho the hhhell aare yyou? 
they both had the stuttering problem..


----------



## genebo

Question: What is the first thing you know?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: Old Jed's a millionaire.


----------



## AmericanStand

What’s the most common reason the windshield wipers won’t work on a pre 60 Volkswagen ?
The spare tire is flat. 

Really it is !the wipers run off the air in the spare. 
But most customers thought it was a Left hand monkey wrench needed to fix the muffler bearings answer!


----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Lisa in WA said:


> View attachment 83654


Sounds kinky.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Seth said:


> You'd be amazed at how many people come into the dealership to ask advice on how to fix their tractors, etc and use these very descriptions. They do not know what model tractor they own nor can they say what is wrong with it, but they do not want us to fix it and they argue when you offer an idea as to what the problem is.


The gun shop where I worked also sold Polaris ATV's and Jet Skis.

A guy came in one day wanting some parts to fix his ATV, but he seemed a little confused as to what exactly it was he wanted. 

I asked him what model he had and after thinking about it for a while he said: 
"All I know is it's a YamaZuki" 

I said: 
"I'm sorry. We only sell Polaris parts. You'll have to go to the YamaZuki dealer in Greenville". 

He left as yet another satisfied customer.....


----------



## Lisa in WA

Bearfootfarm said:


> Sounds kinky.


Have you not seen Silence of the Lambs?


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Lisa in WA said:


> Have you not seen Silence of the Lambs?


I saw it decades ago.

I'm old.
I forget stuff.

It still sounds kinky though.
I haven't forgotten everything.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Shrek

A couple married for 20 years with 13 kids on finding number 14 was on the way start discussing a name that would be appropriate regardless if the baby is a boy or girl.

After a few minutes, the father suggests calling it "Quits" and the wife says "sounds good to me. I was ready to call it quits nine kids ago."


----------



## mreynolds

AmericanStand said:


> What’s the most common reason the windshield wipers won’t work on a pre 60 Volkswagen ?
> The spare tire is flat.
> 
> Really it is !the wipers run off the air in the spare.
> But most customers thought it was a Left hand monkey wrench needed to fix the muffler bearings answer!


Uh??? Duh AS. If it's a Volkswagen you need a metric monkey wrench. 

Geez the people around here are dense.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> Geez the people around here are dense.


Just some of them.


----------



## Nimrod

I once asked for a metric left handed universal open end wrench at the local hardware. Clerk was mystified until I pulled a Crescent wrench off the hook.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


The purpose of life is to have a good sale , this guy obviously left it till the last minute.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

I'm not sure if this is "funny" or just weird 1:36 run time:
http ://www.facebook.com/LADbible/videos/218739555804628/




__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=218739555804628


----------



## [email protected]

Hi Jack,
What's up Chuck?
I heard you paired up with Charlie to play golf.
Yup, I did, but it's over with already.
Why ?
Would you enjoy playing with someone who cheats on the score card? and swears whenever he made a bad swing, [and there were plenty of them], and gets mad and throws his clubs ??
Well, I guess I wouldn't.
Well, neither did Charlie..


----------



## [email protected]

Hi Jack,
What's up Chuck?
My old rooster died..
I have an extra one you can have.
So Chuck takes the rooster home and sets it free.
That rooster immediately went after one hen after another. after he got done with the hens several times he went after the ducks, and then the geese.
Later in the afternoon, Chuck noticed the rooster lying on it's back with his legs sticking up to the sky.
There were a few buzzards circling overhead.
Chuck thought, that darned rooster overdid it. I guess I should save him from the buzzards and bury him.
As he went to pick the rooster up, it opened it's eyes and said,, Shhh, and pointed up to the buzzards..
and said,, They are getting closer..


----------



## nehimama




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## Bearfootfarm

*The only thing "flat-earthers" fear..........*





*is SPHERE itself.*


----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## MO_cows

I consider memory loss of what I did while drunk a blessing!


----------



## mreynolds

MO_cows said:


> I consider memory loss of what I did while drunk a blessing!


I have only lost my memory once a long, long time ago while drinking. It is a blessing. I still don't believe what they said I did. And they have no way to prove it either. It was before YouTube.


----------



## Evons hubby

mreynolds said:


> I have only lost my memory once a long, long time ago while drinking. It is a blessing. I still don't believe what they said I did. And they have no way to prove it either. It was before YouTube.


I've never gotten so drunk that others lost their memory.


----------



## po boy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## MO_cows

Logical?


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Today I googled "lost medieval errand boy" and it came back...........






"Your page can not be found."


----------



## mnn2501

Bearfootfarm said:


> Today I googled "lost medieval errand boy" and it came back...........
> 
> 
> "Your page can not be found."


We need a groan button


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mnn2501 said:


> We need a groan button


----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> Today I googled "lost medieval errand boy" and it came back...........
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "Your page can not be found."


I see what ya did there Sir Bear.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> I see what ya did there Sir Bear.


I shamelessly stole from someone else.


----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 83902


Hopefully you have a good Femur that cooks good after a long days work. If not you might just have to do beenie weenies that day.


----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> I shamelessly stole from someone else.
> View attachment 83904


I do that too.....but don't tell anyone else.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> I do that too.....but don't tell anyone else.


Don't ask, don't tell..... 
Great plan!!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

our chubby neighbor lady works in a candy store.
can you guess what she weighs ??









candy....


----------



## Hiro

nehimama said:


>


That just hits a little too close to home.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


----------



## AmericanStand

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 83962


If that is not photo shopped she is one strong little girl!


----------



## AmericanStand

nehimama said:


>


Where did you girls get that? I am almost certain that my four-year-old niece has never seen a tea party like that and yet it very well could be me and her in that picture.


----------



## Evons hubby

AmericanStand said:


> Where did you girls get that? I am almost certain that my four-year-old niece has never seen a tea party like that and yet it very well could be me and her in that picture.


Never underestimate the power of little girls! Or the big ones.


----------



## AmericanStand

Thus the picture of the snake with the most dangerous thing on the planet just above the tea party


----------



## Evons hubby

AmericanStand said:


> Thus the picture of the snake with the most dangerous thing on the planet just above the tea party


Prezactalutely!


----------



## MO_cows

Hmmmmm


----------



## AmericanStand

I Once ate dinner at a restaurant where the service was surprisingly good. 
I dropped my spoon and before I could even pick it up the waiter took an extra out of his shirt pocket and presented it to me. 

When I complimented him on the speed of his service he told me that there had been a efficiency expert study the restaurant. He discovered that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil And thus recommended that all the waitstaff carry an extra. 
I thought that was interesting and asked if they had made any other recommendations, Yes indeed the waiter replied after review of how much time was spent washing hands in the bathroom he recommended that we each tie a string so that we could just pull it out and wouldn’t have to touch anything and Save time washing hands. 
I thought about that a moment and asked him what how do you get it back into your pants ?
He looked around a little bit bent over and whispered to me I don’t know about the other guys but I use the spoon


----------



## Bearfootfarm

How do you tell the sex of an Ant? 

Drop it in water... 

If it sinks: Girl Ant. 

If it floats........


----------



## Seth

Bearfootfarm said:


> How do you tell the sex of an Ant?
> 
> Drop it in water...
> 
> If it sinks: Girl Ant.
> 
> If it floats........


All my ants are wimmin, one of my uncles is, too.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## nehimama




----------



## MO_cows

True dat.


----------



## Evons hubby

MO_cows said:


> True dat.
> View attachment 84064


Bwaaaahaha!! So true!


----------



## Lisa in WA

Vulgarian redhead to all gingerhaters (shockingly there are some)


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Lisa in WA said:


> Vulgarian redhead to all gingerhaters (shockingly there are some)
> View attachment 84086


----------



## nehimama

*Mom Posts A Hilarious Selfie Posing Next To Her Daughter’s Drawing*

*







*


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 84168


She also has the casino report. 

"_players only love you when they are playing_" 

I love it when my wife sings that song. IMO, she does it better than Stevie.


----------



## thesedays

I heard a Coronavirus joke earlier, but you probably won't get it.

(rimshot)


----------



## Bearfootfarm

thesedays said:


> but you probably won't get it.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Oxankle

Boyant---aaaarrrgh, bad, bad, bad, LOL


----------



## D-BOONE

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.


----------



## D-BOONE

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."


----------



## D-BOONE

Q: Is Google male or female? 
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.


----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Oxankle

LOL, Bearfoot; good work.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


Ya have to put them on hubbys dinner plate. Then point to your mother who fixed dinner. That should liven up things around your house!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Lisa in WA said:


> View attachment 84418


Introverts will be the new rulers.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## po boy




----------



## Lisa in WA

Linda0987 said:


> I lost weight thanks to easyloseweight products, I don't have much appetite and I feel better. If you want to try buy it from this page.
> You can check this out at https://easylooseweight.com/shop/. You can get the best meds to loose weight from home without exercise


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Lisa in WA said:


> View attachment 84452


Don't antagonize the Member Banning Spambots. 
Fear the Wrath.


----------



## Irish Pixie




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Lisa in WA said:


> View attachment 84604


Very subtle.


----------



## Evons hubby

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 84590


Making the best of a bad situation.


----------



## gleepish

Add placement is everything....


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

*Christmas shopping is done for the year and all presents wrapped!







ear and presents are w*


----------



## mreynolds




----------



## popscott

Rut Roe.... looks like a lot of folks have messed up by not responding to a simple email....


----------



## popscott




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## po boy

nehimama said:


>


Liter of puppies!


----------



## mreynolds

nehimama said:


>


 



_What we wish, we readily believe, and what we ourselves think, we imagine others think also.

*I think *_someone missed the steak.


----------



## whiterock

beware the ides of March


----------



## mreynolds

whiterock said:


> beware the ides of March


True dat.


----------



## popscott




----------



## genebo

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2383624408526648&set=a.1657453724477057&type=3&theater


----------



## nehimama




----------



## genebo

On a commuter flight, my ears started popping, so I asked the stewardess what to do.

She told me to try chewing gum.

Don't do that!

That stuff goes into your ears a whole lot easier than it comes out!


----------



## Ryan.




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Posted by a Mom with two kids:

Homeschooling is going well. 


Two students suspended for fighting and.......


one teacher fired for drinking on the job.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Nimrod

bump


----------



## Bearfootfarm

nehimama said:


>


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Best commercial ever:



__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=876762922774017


https: //www.facebook.com/baffmasta/videos/876762922774017/


----------



## popscott




----------



## mreynolds

popscott said:


> View attachment 85120


I KNOW her....


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mreynolds said:


> I KNOW her....


----------



## Bearfootfarm

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=921161721675833&set=gm.3034737099928246&type=3&theater


----------



## [email protected]

a construction worker was eating his noon lunch and grumbling... ham sandwiches again, same thing every darned day,.. one of his co workers said, why don't you ask your wife to make something different??
he replied, I am not married,,, I make my own lunches.


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## MO_cows

View attachment 85468


----------



## MO_cows

Oops don't know how it went twice.


----------



## mreynolds

MO_cows said:


> Oops don't know how it went twice.


Must be a really bad kid to get it twice in one day.


----------



## [email protected]

the Moses syndrome, you hit it twice..


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nchobbyfarm

mreynolds said:


> Must be a really bad kid to get it twice in one day.


Or a slow learner.


----------



## Redlands Okie

Figures that there is more of them than I thought.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## MO_cows




----------



## po boy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


Bwaaaahaha!!


----------



## nehimama




----------



## popscott

Quick thinker.. video


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Stats show COVID-19 hits men far more than women. 





Bruce Jenner got out just in time.


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott

Bearfootfarm said:


>


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## Bearfootfarm

popscott said:


>


That's just *WRONG.







*


----------



## Evons hubby

Good news! My ten mm socket has been found.
The bad news... The proctologist found it.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## [email protected]

the local casinos are stepping up to help. they started drive thru service.
You drive up and they send someone out to take your money..


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## popscott




----------



## Nimrod

Did you hear about the midget soothsayer that escaped from the county jail??









The headline read, SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nehimama

*And they make you row as well!*


----------



## HDRider

nehimama said:


>


I stole that one


----------



## nehimama




----------



## HDRider

nehimama said:


>


You are killing me


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Evons hubby

nehimama said:


>


I'm thinking when this mess is over there will be a lot less "my little Suzy wouldn't" aimed at teachers!


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Not really "humor" but interesting to see. (17 second video)
When Corvettes fly:



__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=826190604562394


http s://www.facebook.com/548557828547648/videos/826190604562394/


----------



## [email protected]

at the age of 55, the doctor told dad to walk five miles each day. today he turned 75, we are wondering where he is ??


----------



## po boy

[email protected] said:


> at the age of 55, the doctor told dad to walk five miles each day. today he turned 75, we are wondering where he is ??


36,525 miles away including leap years. At the point of origin, find a point 36,500 miles away. U may need to draw a circumference line and walk the circle and angle out to include the five miles per day that elapses as u look. It may take a couple days.


----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> Not really "humor" but interesting to see. (17 second video)
> When Corvettes fly:
> 
> 
> 
> __ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=826190604562394
> 
> 
> http s://www.facebook.com/548557828547648/videos/826190604562394/


I hope he is ok


----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> 36,525 miles away including leap years. At the point of origin, find a point 36,500 miles away. U may need to draw a circumference line and walk the circle and angle out to include the five miles per day that elapses as u look. It may take a couple days.


Yes but how many miles at night did his doctor tell him to walk?

Back to the drawing board.


----------



## mreynolds

All this time I thought they were saying flattening the curve but I think it may have been fattening the curves.


----------



## Evons hubby

Why do many blondes never blink while making love? For the same reason many redheads and brunettes don't... They don't have time! Cmon fellas, you need to work oh that!


----------



## emdeengee

I like Brad Pitt no matter what


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## kinderfeld

Bearfootfarm said:


> Not really "humor" but interesting to see. (17 second video)
> When Corvettes fly:
> 
> 
> 
> __ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=826190604562394
> 
> 
> http s://www.facebook.com/548557828547648/videos/826190604562394/


I laughed a little.


----------



## [email protected]

a man was walking carrying a long stick,
I asked him, are you a pole vaulter ?
He answered, No, I am German, and how did you know my name ?


----------



## [email protected]

If a child refuses to lie down for a nap.
Is that resisting arrest ??


----------



## Nimrod

[email protected] said:


> If a child refuses to lie down for a nap.
> Is that resisting arrest ??


I think that child has arrested development.


----------



## nchobbyfarm

My ducks are absolutely not in a row. At this point I have no idea where my ducks even are!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## mreynolds

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 87060


Those look like prison phones in the background.


----------



## nchobbyfarm

A man got stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??


----------



## mreynolds

nchobbyfarm said:


> A man got stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
> Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
> Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
> Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
> Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
> Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
> Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
> Warden: well this I got to see!!
> 5 minutes later...
> Warden: well??
> Man: what?
> Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
> Man: what fish??



That had to have been my grandfather. Once he was wade fishing and the game warden showed up. He asked us one by one to come ashore and show the license to him. When he got to my grandfather he said "I aint coming up there. I am busy fishing right now. If you want to see my license you come out here and look at them." The warden threatened him but my grandfather just said " I pay my taxes so you work for me son. I don't work for you." After the warden left I told him " Are you crazy old man? He could have put you in jail. Why didn't you just show him your license?" 

He replied "Because I aint got one. It worked too."


----------



## Nimrod

Ole was fishing ............................................................................................................................mit dynamite. As Ole lit another stick the game warden jumped out of the bushes. Says he, "you are under arrest". Ole handed him the lit stick of dynamite and asks, "are you gonna talk or fish?"


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## popscott

Buddy Hackett - "The Gypsy Traveler"


----------



## popscott

Old man joke


----------



## [email protected]

a 90 year old man goes to the doctor for a check up.
the doctor asked him why he needed one ?
the old man said, I am getting married to a 21 year old woman.
the doctor said, you know that sex can be fatal ?
the old man said, well, if she dies, she dies ..


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk

So True.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk

Especially march:


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

Governor says you can visit friends; just stay in your car.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## mreynolds

nehimama said:


>


Well that's just wrong there. They didn't use a GFCI in that sink. How did the inspector every pass that?


----------



## nchobbyfarm

mreynolds said:


> Well that's just wrong there. They didn't use a GFCI in that sink. How did the inspector every pass that?


He took the electricians word he had done it properly and let him buy lunch.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## Adam Wilson

Sorry to sound naive. But can anyone tell me how to start my own open thread? (Sorry it’s not related)


----------



## mreynolds

Adam Wilson said:


> Sorry to sound naive. But can anyone tell me how to start my own open thread? (Sorry it’s not related)


In the upper part of the page it will say _*Post New Thread*_. Its in a red box.


----------



## mreynolds

Adam Wilson said:


> Sorry to sound naive. But can anyone tell me how to start my own open thread? (Sorry it’s not related)


And welcome.


----------



## popscott




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Adam Wilson

mreynolds said:


> In the upper part of the page it will say _*Post New Thread*_. Its in a red box.


Thank you!


----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## nehimama

I think it means, "shoes re-soled".


----------



## [email protected]

nehimama said:


> I think it means, "shoes re-soled".


to think back that my English teacher used to complain about run-on sentences ...


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## popscott




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Lowlandman

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra


----------



## popscott




----------



## Bearfootfarm

http s://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=240888233852980


----------



## whiterock

The folks at Green Giant never worked in a field or a garden . It ain't , "Ho! Ho! Ho!" It's , "Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!"


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Lowlandman

I recently joined the local Bondage Society to make some new friends.....but the other members always seem to be tied up


----------



## Nimrod

Statistics show that somewhere in the world a woman had a baby every 56 seconds.









We need to find this woman and stop her.


----------



## popscott




----------



## mzgarden

When your barn cat thinks the 8 waterers in the barn and goat pastures are insufficient for her and decides the bucket in the garden is 'just right.'


----------



## Bearfootfarm

Two-parter:
1.











2


----------



## popscott

Rang the doorbell didn't I?


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## mnn2501

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 87684


I don't get it.


----------



## mreynolds

mnn2501 said:


> I don't get it.


He poses as his brother and asks his brothers girlfriend to marry him.


----------



## [email protected]

mreynolds said:


> He poses as his brother and asks his brothers girlfriend to marry him.


 the pig eats healthy so she can have bacon, which some people consider not healthy.


----------



## mnn2501

mreynolds said:


> He poses as his brother and asks his brothers girlfriend to marry him.


If it has to be explained, its just not funny -- sorry!


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk

It's seems to be funny to some of those who did not need it explained.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI*
*Judge # 1* — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
*Judge # 2* — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
*Judge # 3* (Frank) — Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

*CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI*
*Judge # 1* — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
*Judge # 2* — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
*Judge # 3* — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI*
*Judge # 1* — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
*Judge # 2* — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
*Judge # 3* — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

*CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC*
*Judge # 1* — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
*Judge # 2* — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
*Judge # 3* — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER*
*Judge # 1* — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
*Judge # 2* — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
*Judge # 3* — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY*
*Judge # 1* — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
*Judge # 2* — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
*Judge # 3* — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

*CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI*
*Judge # 1* — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
*Judge # 2* — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
*Judge # 3* — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI*
*Judge # 1* — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
*Judge # 2* — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
*Judge # 3* — No report.


----------



## whiterock

haven't seen this chili judge thing in a while. still makes me laugh


----------



## mnn2501

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end.


Now that was funny!


----------



## Bearfootfarm

mnn2501 said:


> If it has to be explained, its just not funny -- sorry!


I got it without the explanation.
It was funny.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## mnn2501

*Why don't they ever loot a book store or a library?*


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## 101pigs

haypoint said:


> Today, I gave away all my dead batteries. Free of charge.


Had 7 old batteies outside my garage door. Someone haul them off for me.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## popscott

mnn2501 said:


> *Why don't they ever loot a book store or a library?*


Reminds me of this cartoon


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## whiterock

haven't thought of roller towels in years, thanks for the memories


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## popscott




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Had to go in for a check-up the other day........



Dr said: "Turn around, drop your pants, and bend over".......



Then he stuck his finger WAY up my butt............





That's the last time I'm going to that Dentist.......


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## nchobbyfarm

I WAS SHOCKED !!!
Went to Publix tonight and y'all should've seen all the commotion. Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, and Uncle Ben were protesting, Texas Pete and Capt. Morgan were getting drunk, Little Debbie was working the corner, and Jimmy Dean was showing everybody his sausage. The world has gone crazy. Somebody call Mr. Clean!!


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## muleskinner2

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 88168


Ok, I don't get the joke. Isn't this the normal thing to do?


----------



## Shrek

Guy who worked at the morgue found his job soooo frustrating,,,

...on one hand , the morgue was the coolest place he had ever worked...

...but on the other hand he knew he was stuck in a dead end job.


----------



## popscott

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me
leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her
window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had
repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window, I showed both receipts and took her food as well as mine. 

Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people!


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## Danaus29

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 88338


That spider has moved to my shed. Gives me the willies going out there after dark.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

popscott said:


> View attachment 88574


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## hardrock

R/T 2:06
British humor


----------



## alida




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## poppy

When you join the wrong group


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## 101pigs

Is this the new homesteadingtoday page. I can't fiind anything or upday or old topics. How to get back to the old forum.


----------



## 101pigs

101pigs said:


> Is this the new homesteadingtoday page. I can't fiind anything or update or old topics. How to get back to the old forum.


Need to get to general chap. This new page is not working for me at all.


----------



## mreynolds

101pigs said:


> Need to get to general chap. This new page is not working for me at all.


Scroll up to the top and you will see the gc button.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

101pigs said:


> Need to get to general chap. This new page is not working for me at all.











Community Feedback: Forum Update Is Live!


We are excited to announce that we are live on our new updated forum platform! It’s been a long time coming. Let’s face it. Sometimes older forum technology lags behind other parts of the internet. Although seeing the same format for a long time is comforting, the member experience shouldn’t...




www.homesteadingtoday.com


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## MO_cows

The site has been geeking out on me for a couple days. The posts with images, they are showing twice. One day it went back to May 26,nothing newer than that would show up. I thought it was my phone, didn't report it.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

MO_cows said:


> The site has been geeking out on me for a couple days. The posts with images, they are showing twice. One day it went back to May 26,nothing newer than that would show up. I thought it was my phone, didn't report it.


Those were server errors when they were making changes for the new software.
It will take a while to get everything tweaked.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## whiterock

And I remember most of those comments, or similar.


----------



## Redlands Okie

I suspect more than a few on here actually made similar comments back then and are now wondering what happened


----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## HDRider




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## alida




----------



## muleskinner2

A BLM activist, a ANTIFA activist, and a SJW are riding in a car, who is driving. A police officer.


----------



## mreynolds

muleskinner2 said:


> A BLM activist, a ANTIFA activist, and a SJW are riding in a car, who is driving. A police officer.



I thought BLM stood for Bohemian Lager matters.


----------



## popscott




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## [email protected]

a friend of mine was walking her dog. suddenly it pulled the leash out of her hand. she began to chase after the dog when her upper denture plate slipped out of her mouth. she got down on her hands and knees and went looking for them.
A man walking by asked her what she was doing.
She told him , looking for my upper plate.
He said, I have one here. see if it fits. She tried it on and said it was too big. He handed her another one. Hey, she said, it is almost perfect.
She said, give me your card. I have lots of friends who need a good dentist..
Oh, he said, I am not a dentist.. I am an
undertaker..


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## MO_cows

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 89673


Probably still is!


----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## popscott

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment

for Tuesday.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Gayle in KY




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## whiterock

They aren't?


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## popscott




----------



## po boy

popscott said:


> View attachment 90154


I saw an ad where someone wanted to sell one of those things because their cattle dog tried to herd the thing.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## MO_cows




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## mreynolds

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 90312


I like that one.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm

An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie


----------



## alida




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## alida




----------



## po boy




----------



## MO_cows




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## dsmythe

alida said:


> View attachment 90667


Good One...I wish I had known about that one years ago...when I was working....


----------



## Lisa in WA

The struggle is real.


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## alida




----------



## poppy

Andy Tifa sets himself on fire along with appropriate commentary.


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1302476915203141632


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## 67drake

Bearfootfarm said:


> View attachment 90822


I doubt the younger generation will any idea what that cartoon means.


----------



## Bearfootfarm

67drake said:


> I doubt the younger generation will any idea what that cartoon means


Very true.


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## mreynolds

MO_cows said:


> View attachment 90828



Dayum, but don't you have an idea there......

I worked for a guy once. He met his workers at the cafe at 5:00 AM every morning and bought breakfast. If you didnt show you didn't get free breakfast. One day he didn't show and I bought the breakfast thinking he would pay me back later. He got arrested the night before for insurance fraud. I got subpoenaed and had to testify for things I knew but I didn't know anything really. He ended up with 3 years. He embezzled over 5 million in 1984. 

I knew I was way too young to be his lead foreman lol. When the FBI interrogates you then you get a good education real quick.


----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## alida




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## HDRider




----------



## Bearfootfarm

HDRider said:


> View attachment 90942


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## RJ2019

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 90975


That actually makes sense if your vaccum turns into a blower like mine does! Good idea actually🤔


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## popscott




----------



## 67drake

At a Chinese restaurant I ate at today. I thought to myself-“I’ve boiled carburetors before, never tried baking them “


----------



## nchobbyfarm

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Bearfootfarm

67drake said:


> At a Chinese restaurant I ate at today. I thought to myself-“I’ve boiled carburetors before, never tried baking them “
> View attachment 91029


They also misspelled "fake"


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## RobertDane

Guy sittin in a bar drinking with his buddy...who happens to be a dwarf...

Suddenly the little guy gets up on the bar...runs down to the end of it and stands in front of a patron and goes

jssst! jsssst! jsssss!.....And walks back, climbs down onto his bar stool and starts drinking again...After

awhile, same thing happens...Dwarf gets on the bar...runs down and stands in front of the same guy and goes..

jssst! jssssst!..Goes back to his stool...Man at the end of the bar gets up, walks over to the man drinking with

the little guy and says.."look buddy, if your little friend here comes down and messes with me again, I'm gonna

cut his wee wee off!!"...Man says.."but didn't you know...dwarfs don't have a wee wee...?" To which the patron

responds..."Well then, how do they take a leak?"....Man says..."they go jssst!...jssssst!"....


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## 67drake




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## 67drake

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 91192


Oh yeah! I washed my wife’s in the sink a few weeks ago and I heard about it!


----------



## nchobbyfarm

67drake said:


> Oh yeah! I washed my wife’s in the sink a few weeks ago and I heard about it!


That will teach you to help! Lol.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 91192


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? 

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## GTX63




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## popscott




----------



## RobertDane




----------



## MO_cows




----------



## MichaelZ




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.


----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## mreynolds

Lisa in WA said:


> View attachment 91453


But when a girl is really into you she says "Sleep in the spare bedroom. I need my sleep. You snore to loud" lol.


----------



## mreynolds

alida said:


> View attachment 91454


They need a love button for that one.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm

A local grocery owner's kid recently graduated. His latest marketing idea...










I think they may be onto something!!!!


----------



## RJ2019

nchobbyfarm said:


> A local grocery owner's kid recently graduated. His latest marketing idea...
> 
> View attachment 91470
> 
> 
> I think they may be onto something!!!!


That IS a pretty good idea


----------



## GTX63




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk

.


----------



## po boy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## andrea_paulato

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”


----------



## andrea_paulato

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.

The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”


----------



## alida




----------



## alida

I keep a notebook on hand at all times now.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## po boy




----------



## RobertDane

https://www.gifs.cc/thanksgiving/turkey-ready-for-battle.gif


----------



## Bearfootfarm




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## po boy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63

I don't think this one is political, just funny.


----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## FranklinFarmstead

How to be Queen of 2020 🤣 that’s actually my toddler


----------



## po boy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## MO_cows

Had to steal this one.....


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## GTX63




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## GTX63




----------



## MO_cows




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## popscott

It's a boy

Hope the link works




__ https://www.facebook.com/100001241442609/posts/2752675954783759


----------



## RJ2019

popscott said:


> It's a boy
> 
> Hope the link works
> 
> 
> 
> 
> __ https://www.facebook.com/100001241442609/posts/2752675954783759


I laughed till tears came out!!


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## popscott




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## nchobbyfarm




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Chew




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## GTX63

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




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## GTX63




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## po boy




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## RobertDane




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## GTX63




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## popscott




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## popscott




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## GTX63




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## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## GTX63




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Chew




----------



## mreynolds

Chew said:


>


Now, that is truth there bud. 

So, the *average* Joe spends 500 dollars on a lease/year. 

Buys a new rifle (because the one last year missed the deer) because it's cool to show off at parties. 

Then spends about 400 a year on fuel. 600 a year on ice chests, beer (whiskey when it gets real cold), McDonalds and Wendy's, and on Saturday Chili's. Then 500 more to the strippers. 

These corduroy cowboys really crack me up. Then* t*_*hey give all the deer away*_ because "We just dont eat deer meat. It taste funny."

Homesteaders dont give that stuff away except to widow women and older couples who cant hunt no more. Able bodied City folks are lucky to get the feet when they ask me.


----------



## GTX63

You should make that post a thread because there is a lot of meat there.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nchobbyfarm




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## Eagle_and_hawk

Why English is so hard to learn:

_*1 - The bandage was wound around the wound.
2 - The farm was cultivated to produce produce.
3 - The dump was so full that the workers had to refuse more refuse.
4 - We must polish the Polish furniture shown at the store.
5 - He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6 - The soldier decided to desert tasty dessert in the desert.
7 - Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present to his girlfriend.
8 - A bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9 - When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10 - I did not object to the object which he showed me.
11 - The insurance was invalid for the invalid in his hospital bed.
12 - There was a row among the oarsmen about who would row.
13 - They were too close to the door to close it.
14 - The buck does funny things when the does (females) are present.
15 - A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16 - To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.*_
17 - The wind was too strong to wind the sail around the mast.
18 - Upon seeing the tear in her eye, she shed a tear.
19 - I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20 - How can I intimate this my most intimate friend?


----------



## GTX63




----------



## RJ2019

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 92627


Yikes


----------



## 67drake

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 92627


Thanks! Now my dog won’t come out from behind the couch.


----------



## poppy

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 92627



I guess that explains why they all now wear burkas.


----------



## 67drake

I thought it was a joke. I Googled pictures of her. Oh boy! At least she shaved for that picture. I’m not kidding.


----------



## Alice In TX/MO

First woman to take of the Hijab and wear western clothes.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk

View attachment 92652


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## po boy




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## GTX63




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## whiterock

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 92677


guess I'm one of 3


----------



## Danaus29

6 likes so far, looks like there are more old school members than you thought.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Lisa in WA




----------



## Lisa in WA




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## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## whiterock

not enough likes for this.


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## po boy




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## GTX63




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## 67drake

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 92834


Unfortunately, the gun and ammo would probably be more expensive than jewelry these days.


----------



## whiterock

I'm single, guess what I got.


----------



## 67drake

whiterock said:


> I'm single, guess what I got.


Is it similar to what I got for my wife?


----------



## whiterock

nope, didn't get a quilt


----------



## 67drake

whiterock said:


> nope, didn't get a quilt


----------



## po boy




----------



## cannonfoddertfc

67drake said:


> Is it similar to what I got for my wife?
> 
> View attachment 92836


You got that for your wife???!!!

Damn that's a good trade.


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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## nchobbyfarm

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.


----------



## MO_cows




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## nchobbyfarm

I still haven't found out who let the Dogs Out...where's the beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop......why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton... Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors... i still don't understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ....and what would you do for a Klondike bar and you know as soon as you bite into it it falls apart...and Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways? 

I got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby mama's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man...Now it is your turn to take it from me...Peace!!


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## po boy




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## nchobbyfarm




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## nchobbyfarm




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## po boy




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## MO_cows




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## cannonfoddertfc




----------



## cannonfoddertfc

A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband

“Honey, don't forget to buy bread when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”

Husband:Who is Valerie?

Wife:Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.

Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?

Wife:What??! Where are you?

Husband: Near the neighborhood bakery.

Wife:Wait, I’m coming right now!

After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:

Wife:I’m at the bakery, where are you?

Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread!


----------



## cannonfoddertfc

My wife is blaming me for ruining her Birthday.

Thats ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her Birthday



She also complained that I never buy her flowers,

Which is also ridiculous, I didn't even know she sold flowers.


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## po boy




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## 67drake

po boy said:


> View attachment 93144


And if she strays, it doesn’t cost you 50% of everything you own. Ask me how I know.


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## po boy




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## nchobbyfarm




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## sharkerbaby




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## GTX63




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## mzgarden




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## po boy




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Eagle_and_hawk

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

*CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI*

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

*CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI*

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

*CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI*

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced.

*CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC*

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb gal is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

*CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER*

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' ********! ! !

*CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY*

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that gal Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

*CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI*

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could puta #)$^@#_&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#_&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a [email protected]&$ thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

*CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI*

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).


----------



## whiterock

always enjoy that one.


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Nimrod

My niece was going on and on about how beautiful the Kardashians are and how she wants to be just like them when she grows up. I googled them and I must be getting old 'cause I just don't get it.


----------



## 67drake




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## po boy




----------



## 67drake

I was just in the kitchen cooking up something after work. I heard knocking on my front window. The lady who lives next door was waving this around and laughing. I don’t know why she was so excited about an icicle?


----------



## Redlands Okie

^^^^^ she might have been wanting you to come out and play......


----------



## 67drake

I guess it’s probably funnier if you knew the lady, kind of shy and reserved. Not today!


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## GTX63




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## nchobbyfarm




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## GTX63




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## nchobbyfarm




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## mreynolds

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 93642


That Florida man scares the crap out of me.


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## GTX63




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## 67drake




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## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




----------



## Tom Horn

1) A three legged dog hobbles into the saloon and up to the bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."



2) Two crows were sitting on a branch when a farmer went by in his wagon. A package bounced off the back and after the farmer passed the crows flew over to investigate. They picked the package open and it turned out to be five pounds of baloney. They proceeded to gorge themselves until they could hardly move. Well the sun was beating down on them which added to their growing misery. They decided to try to fly back to the tree, but the best they could do was to land on the handle of an old plow in the middle of the field. That wasn't working and their discomfort was growing by the minute. One of the crows said, "I can't stand this anymore, I'm going for the tree." To which his companion replied, "If you are anywhere as full as me, you'll never make it." The other crow said, "I've got to get some relief." So he takes off for the tree. He gets a little altitude and it looks like he's going to make it. Suddenly he falls to the ground and bursts wide open.

The moral?

Don't fly off the handle when you're full of baloney.



3) A little tweety bird decides that he's not going South for the winter. Along about January, he's freezing to death and decides that maybe flying South isn't such a bad idea and better late than never, so he takes off.

It's so cold the his wings ice up and he falls to the ground, right in a cow lot. He's hopping around freezing when a cow walks by and takes a big dump right on top of him. After the initial shock he realizes that for the first time in a long time that he's warm. He squirms around until he pokes his head out of the pile and starts to sing out of sheer joy. Well, the barn cat hears him and comes out and digs him out of the manure and eats him.

The moral?

Them that craps on you ain't necessarily your enemies.

Them that digs you out of the crap ain't necessarily your friends.

And when you're up to your neck in crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut.


----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## nchobbyfarm




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## 67drake

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 93857


You’ll have to explain that one to me. I’m out of the loop.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy

@Tom Horn


----------



## Evons hubby

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 93936


A bachelors degree = BS, I presume an MS degree = more of the same, and PHD = piled higher and deeper.


----------



## Tom Horn

Evons hubby said:


> A bachelors degree = BS, I presume an MS degree = more of the same, and PHD = piled higher and deeper.



That's been my opinion of higher theoretical-type education.

Too often it comes down to 'Them that can't.... Teach.'

10 Reasons why Practical Education is more Important than Theoretical - List Dose


----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> @Tom Horn
> View attachment 93938


Speaking of bend over:

In the old days I can remember when the lady of the house would build a fire under the wash pot out in the yard and boil clothes to loosen the dirt. After boiling, she would remove them and use a washboard -- like ones you can still find in a flea market -- to scrub them clean before running them through a series of rinse waters. One of my favorite stories that came from this era was about a young lad who was late for school one frosty morning, in the dead of winter. When the principal demanded to know why he was late, this young lad said, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” With this reply, the principal said, “Why don’t you just try me and see if I believe you.” 

With this invitation he began by saying, “At our house for the past several weeks, pert near ever night we have had something out in the hen house stealing our chickens. After hearing a racket during the night, sure enough, the next morning we would have two or three chickens missing.

“My Pa finally had enough and he vowed that if it was the last thing he ever did, he was going to get that varmint. Well, last night, around midnight we heard the racket again and this time Pa was ready. He got out of bed, lit the coal oil lantern, got his 12-gauge shotgun down from the rack and, without any shoes on and still in his long handles, he headed for the hen house. When he got to the door, with the coal oil lantern in one hand his shot gun in the other, he began to shine the light back and forth to see what it was.

“After a bit, he could see the form of something larger than a chicken and then he picked up the reflection of its eyes. He slowly cocked the hammer of his shotgun and was getting ready to shoot, but because he was all bent over, the flap of his long handles came up. About that time our hound dog Blue came up behind him and cold-nosed him. Boy, you should have heard that shotgun when it went off. I bet they could hear it in the next county. Now, I told you that you would not believe me, but the reason I am late is because our whole family has been up picking chickens since 2 o’clock this morning.”


----------



## Alice In TX/MO




----------



## Tom Horn

*A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus.

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" *


----------



## Tom Horn

*One day while walking through the wilderness a man stumbled upon a vicious tiger. He ran but soon came to the edge of a high cliff.*

*Desperate to save himself, he climbed down a vine and dangled over the fatal precipice. As he hung there, two mice appeared from a hole in the cliff and began gnawing on the vine. Suddenly, he noticed on the vine a plump wild raspberry. He plucked it and popped it in his mouth.

It was incredibly delicious!

Author Unknown*


----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.

Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"

The wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"

The husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

The wife is on her knees, literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

The husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina tim kouji!"

I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this!

You don't know Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it's about sex....

Sometimes I worry about you.

You're in need of serious help!


----------



## Evons hubby

Tom Horn said:


> A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.
> 
> Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"
> 
> The wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"
> 
> The husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
> 
> The wife is on her knees, literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
> 
> The husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina tim kouji!"
> 
> I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this!
> 
> You don't know Japanese!
> 
> You'll read anything as long as it's about sex....
> 
> Sometimes I worry about you.
> 
> You're in need of serious help!


Bwaaahahaha!!


----------



## Tom Horn

*An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup,*
*and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant,
and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry,
and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods,
and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear,
and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
replied the doctor.*


----------



## Tom Horn

*A group of three maintenance guys were given the assignment to find the height of a flagpole.*
*
They set out with a ladder and soon discovered it was not long enough, so they went and got a longer one. Still not long enough.

A young boy passed by and being curious as young boys are, asked them what they were doing. They explained that they were attempting to measure the height of the flagpole, but their ladder wasn't long enough.

The boy looked the flagpole over and pointed to four bolts at the base of the pole and said, "If you take those bolts loose you can lay the pole down and measure it."
*
*To which the maintenance guys responded, "Stupid kid! We want to know the height of it, not the length of it!" *


----------



## Danaus29

Tom Horn said:


> *A group of three maintenance guys were given the assignment to find the height of a flagpole.*
> 
> *They set out with a ladder and soon discovered it was not long enough, so they went and got a longer one. Still not long enough.
> 
> A young boy passed by and being curious as young boys are, asked them what they were doing. They explained that they were attempting to measure the height of the flagpole, but their ladder wasn't long enough.
> 
> The boy looked the flagpole over and pointed to four bolts at the base of the pole and said, "If you take those bolts loose you can lay the pole down and measure it."*
> 
> *To which the maintenance guys responded, "Stupid kid! We want to know the height of it, not the length of it!" *



Oh that one is terrible! They must have all failed geometry.


----------



## Tom Horn

Danaus29 said:


> Oh that one is terrible! They must have all failed geometry.



Once upon a time in a classroom far, far away, a young country boy was asked to use geometry in a sentence.

He thought for a while and said, "There was once a little sprout and it grew and it grew and it grew. One day it looked at itself and said, 'Gee! om a tree!'."


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

A woman brought a very limp duck into the vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black dog. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.


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## nchobbyfarm

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.


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## nchobbyfarm




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## MAWL

Hi, my first post and might as well start here...


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## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn

nchobbyfarm said:


> The reason I'm old and wise is because:


*May I offer these to go with yours?

1)*










*2) Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

3) Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. *


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## Tom Horn

There was a young boy who lived in the sticks that had to hunt for food for his family. he was walking down a dirt road with a handful of duct tape. an old man who lived on the road said "boy, what are you doing with that there duct tape" the boy said "I'm hunting ducks" the old man said "alright son, have fun" and chuckled as the boy walked away. that evening the boy came by with several ducks. the old man said "hold up boy, did you really catch those ducks with that duct tape?" the boy said "yes sir" and continued to walk back home. 

The next day the boy came back dragging some chicken wire and the old man said "let me guess, you're hunting chickens now?" and the young boy said "yes sir" and disappeared in the woods. That afternoon the boy came back holding a few chickens by their feet and the old man said "did you really catch those chickens with chicken wire?" and the young boy said "yes sir, all of them" and continued home. 

A few days later the boy came back with a fistful of pus*y willows, the old man said "hold up, boy! I'm coming with you!"


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## Tom Horn

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father"

The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many".

The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way".

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."


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## Tom Horn

A man and his wife were constantly arguing about his penchant for going out drinking and playing cards with his buddies.

This was a continual source of friction between the two, he would go out, she would nag him about it.

One day his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


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## Tom Horn

René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. …

René says, “I think not,”

then disappears.


Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings…

Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”


Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my Pepsi.

They are SO on my sh*t list...


A woman was showing her new mood ring off to a friend.

She said "When I'm in a good mood it turns pretty colors of green and blue.

"When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my husband's forehead."



A lady walks into a jewelry store wearing a beautiful large diamond. The jeweler remarks what a beauty it is and compliments her.

She says thanks and says, “It’s named the Plotkin diamond but it comes with a curse!”

The jeweler asks. “What’s the curse?”

She replies, “Mr. Plotkin!”


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## Tom Horn

A group of ISIS militants are walking through the desert area and they hear a voice. It says "One U.S. Marine is better than 10 ISIS!". Angered by this comment, the militants shoot where they heard the voice. They stop shooting only to hear the voice again, this time yelling "One U.S. Marine is better than 100 ISIS!". The militants, outraged, gather 100 of their best fighters and shoot where they last heard the voice. They cease fire, and once again they hear the same voice. This time it says "One U.S. Marine is better than 1,000 ISIS!". The militants had had enough, and called in 1,000 fighters, and a huge battle breaks out.

In the middle of the firefight, a wounded militant crawls to one of the ISIS leaders and cries out "No! Don't send in any more fighters, it's a trap! There are TWO of them!".


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## po boy

and there is Lewis Grizzard///


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## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> and there is Lewis Grizzard///







From Joshua Chamberlain's, account of the surrender at Appomattox:



> The momentous meaning of this occasion impressed me deeply. I resolved to mark it by some token of recognition, which could be no other than a salute of arms. Well aware of the responsibility assumed, and of the criticisms that would follow, as the sequel proved, nothing of that kind could move me in the least. The act could be defended, if needful, by the suggestion that such a salute was not to the cause for which the flag of the Confederacy stood, but to its going down before the flag of the Union. My main reason, however, was one for which I sought no authority nor asked forgiveness. Before us in proud humiliation stood the embodiment of manhood: men whom neither toils and sufferings, nor the fact of death, nor disaster, nor hopelessness could bend from their resolve; standing before us now, thin, worn, and famished, but erect, and with eyes looking level into ours, waking memories that bound us together as no other bond;—was not such manhood to be welcomed back into a Union so tested and assured? Instructions had been given; and when the head of each division column comes opposite our group, our bugle sounds the signal and instantly our whole line from right to left, regiment by regiment in succession, gives the soldier's salutation, from the "order arms" to the old "carry"—the marching salute. Gordon at the head of the column, riding with heavy spirit and downcast face, catches the sound of shifting arms, looks up, and, taking the meaning, wheels superbly, making with himself and his horse one uplifted figure, with profound salutation as he drops the point of his sword to the boot toe; then facing to his own command, gives word for his successive brigades to pass us with the same position of the manual,—honor answering honor. On our part not a sound of trumpet more, nor roll of drum; not a cheer, nor word nor whisper of vain-glorying, nor motion of man standing again at the order, but an awed stillness rather, and breath-holding, as if it were the passing of the dead!


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## Tom Horn

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Don't drink and derive.


The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks what he wants to drink. There bear says I'll have................a beer. The bartender says, "what's with the big pause?" 
The bear throws up his arms and says "I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM!" 


I believe in a better world, one where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.


What is brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre....


It's winter again.
That time of year when the poor are making tough choices between food, heating, or getting that massive new tattoo.


The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


The reason most single men can't follow recipes is that they always start with "First, take a clean bowl..."


Sometimes I wrestle with my demons, sometimes we just snuggle.


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## Tom Horn

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. 

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. 

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. 

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." 

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."





A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"


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## Tom Horn

Four little kids were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water..."

"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" 

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"


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## Tom Horn

A country woman walked into an attorney's office and announced that she wanted a deevorce.

The attorney said that first she would need to have a case to proceed. The woman said, "We ain't got no Case, but we got a John Deere."

"No, no," said the attorney, "We will need to establish grounds, do you have any grounds?" To which the woman replied, "Yeah, we got forty acres South of town."

The attorney said, "No, no, you need to have some kind of reason, like does he beat you up?" "Yes" she says, "He get's up around 4:30 to milk the cow and I gets up around 5."

The attorney says, "No, no, you need to prove incompatibility, like do you have any grudges?" The woman replied, "No, we just park in the yard, but we have a shed for the John Deere."

The exasperated attorney asks, "Well just why do you want a divorce in the first place?"

The woman responds, "Well... We just don't understand each other all that good."


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## nchobbyfarm

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an ***** on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## Tom Horn

*Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?*
The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry midterm exam. One student gave such a "profound" answer that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
The official test concluded with a _Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?_

*Answer:*
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. Therefore, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell since Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:


_If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose._
_Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?_
If we accept *the postulate* given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year," ... that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.


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## Tom Horn

*Sacred cows make the best hamburger.*


*Explain Economics & Politics: Better Than Any Class*
Strategy of certain political & economical systems, politicians, governments and companies at a glance! Or: What to do with two cows?


*FEUDALISM*
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

*PURE SOCIALISM*
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

*BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM*
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

*FASCISM*
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

*PURE COMMUNISM*
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

*RUSSIAN COMMUNISM*
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

*DICTATORSHIP*
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

*SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY*
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

*MILITARIANISM*
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

*PURE DEMOCRACY*
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

*REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY*
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

*AMERICAN DEMOCRACY*
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

*BRITISH DEMOCRACY*
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

*BUREAUCRACY*
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

*ANARCHY*
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

*CAPITALISM*
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

*HONG KONG CAPITALISM*
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your public-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

*ENVIRONMENTALISM*
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. 
*
FEMINISM: *
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

*TOTALITARIANISM*
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

*POLITICAL CORRECTNESS*
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

*COUNTER CULTURE*
Wow, dude, there's like ... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

*SURREALISM*
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

*Disney Capitalism*
You have two cows. They dance & sing.

*Martha Stewart Capitalism*
You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

*Ayn Rand Capitalism*
You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a dairy farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk processing plant. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

*Californian Capitalism*
You have two cows. They are happy.... Because they are eating grass.....


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## mreynolds

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 94149


Bwahahahaha.....


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Hiro




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn

nchobbyfarm said:


> "nchobbyfarm said:


A young man in New York saw an older gentleman that he knew take a spill on his bicycle and ran to assist him.

By the time he got there the old man was on his feet, dusting himself off.

The young man asked if he was okay and when the gentleman said he was the young man said, "I didn't know you were Catholic, I thought you were Jewish," to which the older man said, "Oh, but I am Jewish."

The younger one pressed his quiry, "But then why did you make the sign of the cross?" To which the older gentleman replied. "Oy! It's not what you think, I was merely making sure that all was in order." He then gestured up, down, left and right and said, "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch."


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## Tom Horn

*O*nce in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids. The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. 

So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain. 

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre why. 

The ogre laughed and replied: "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"


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## GTX63

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="



" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>


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## Evons hubby

GTX63 said:


> <iframe width="560" height="315" src="
> 
> 
> 
> " frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>


Too cute!


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## Tom Horn

*Will The MOD SQUAD Bust me for this?








*


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## GTX63




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## 67drake

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 94333


You have a twisted mind, and I like it!


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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## po boy

Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?


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## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> *Will The MOD SQUAD Bust me for this?
> 
> View attachment 94328
> *


Get a glass belly button and you can see as well as they can.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. 

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”


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## GTX63

The pile of brush is the safety net.


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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## RJ2019

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 94513


The perfect addition to my chem classwork today! Thank you


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

RJ2019 said:


> The perfect addition to my chem classwork today! Thank you


.

Here's one for your math class:

See above for further additions to the Periodic Table.


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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## Tom Horn

GTX63 said:


> GTX63


Not To be a party pooper but the folks who created the meme don't do animal anatomy.

That's a bovine femur.

Anyhow, it's still funny and it reminded me of this:

*Redn*ck Home Security*

How to install a redn*ck home security system:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## GTX63




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## Tom Horn

GTX63 said:


> GTX63


If you had a dollar for every gender that was out there how many dollars would you have?

Two, and a whole bunch of counterfeits.


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## GTX63




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## Danaus29

Laugh of the day!


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## Tom Horn

Danaus29 said:


> Laugh of the day!


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## 67drake

Sorry ladies, I couldn’t resist!


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## 67drake




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## Hiro

No whiskey?


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## 67drake

Hiro said:


> No whiskey?


That would be unhealthy


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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## po boy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## GTX63




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## mzgarden




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## po boy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Sara,

I took you advice about friending on Facebook and applied it; here's what happened.

So I have been trying to make friends outside of Facebook and thought I would try applying the same practices. Today I go outside my building and just start walking down the street. As I pass by people I let them know what I had to eat, how I feel right now, what I did last night, what I will do later etc... I thought it would be interesting to hand out pictures of my family, my dog and me doing some of my favorite things. If they were talking I would stop to listen to their conversation and then give them the good old "thumbs up" and let them know I like them.

So it actually worked!!!! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.


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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## Tom Horn

*
Bubba and the DEA*

The cops pulled up to Bubba's house and start ripping out all the weeds in his garden. Bubba comes out and asks, What in the heck are you doing? A cop tells him, one of your neighbors called and said you were growing Marijuana in your garden and we're gonna find it even if we have to rip out every last weed. That they did. But they didn't find any Marijuana growing. So they went away. 

Bubba went back in house and the phone rang. It was his next door neighbor Billy Bob. He says, I called the police on you. Have they been there yet? Bubba says, yes they have and they ripped every last weed out of my garden. Now I'm gonna call the police on you and tell them you're hiding cocaine in hollowed out logs. They should be done chopping your firewood about an hour after I call.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## 67drake

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 94853


I’ve heard that before. With my twisted sense of humor it always makes me laugh. 
A good friend of mine has a sign on his garage-“Everyone brings a smile to our face, some when they arrive, some when they leave. “


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## whiterock

67drake said:


> I’ve heard that before. With my twisted sense of humor it always makes me laugh.
> A good friend of mine has a sign on his garage-“Everyone brings a smile to our face, some when they arrive, some when they leave. “


That is what I told my grandson when he was being particularly obnoxious. Then asked him which he wanted to be.


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## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> I’ve heard that before. With my twisted sense of humor it always makes me laugh.
> A good friend of mine has a sign on his garage-“Everyone brings a smile to our face, some when they arrive, some when they leave. “


Here's another.



> *“No man is completely useless; he can always serve as a bad example.”*


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## Danaus29

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 94852



LOL, I get it!


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

An old Driver was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Onlookers were completely shocked at the men's behavior, but the old man didn't seem to be fazed in the slightest. Without a word of protest, he quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."


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## Tom Horn




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## GTX63




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> .



It's been said that a developer is someone who wants a house in the woods and an environmentalist is someone who already has one there.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## popscott




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## 67drake




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## popscott




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## popscott




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## popscott




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## popscott




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## 67drake

Not funny, but I NEED one of these for my Walmart shopping days.


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## mreynolds

67drake said:


> Not funny, but I NEED one of these for my Walmart shopping days.
> 
> View attachment 95071



500 psi? What air compressor does this guy have? He is my hero.


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## Tom Horn

mreynolds said:


> 500 psi? What air compressor does this guy have? He is my hero.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

*More accurately he is 77. he was born in 1943.*


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## GTX63




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## popscott

When ya gotta go....... ya gotta go...


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

You know why they call it PMS? because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of hatchling seagulls. 

One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and gather some more. On the way
back, he spied four lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. 

Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transportation of
young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


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## Tom Horn

*The Trap*

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.

One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.

When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.

"Absolutely not!", said her son.


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## Tom Horn

Outside of being expert archers, William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.

Unfortunately there was a fire and all the records were destroyed. 

So we will never know for whom the Tells bowled.


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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?


I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.


Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright—until they open their mouths. 


If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.


I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.


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## Tom Horn

Amy, a city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to breed one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door..

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air-head woman, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know.....how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The woman turns to walk away, and says sweetly over her shoulder, I guess it's to hang your pants on.."


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## Tom Horn

*There was a train conductor with a bad temper.*

He was angry all the time, being snarky and yelling at people, just aggressive in general. One day, a young girl was trying to board the train right at departure time, and being the man he was, the conductor started the train and she fell under and died. The man was taken to court, and sentenced to death by electric chair. They strapped him in, flipped the switch, and nothing happened. Baffled, they let him go.

After that, the train conductor thought long and hard about his decisions and life choices and he wanted to make everything better. Then, an old woman was boarding the train at departure time. He saw her, waited, but she tripped and died. With his previous reputation, they assumed it was on purpose and sentenced him to death by electric chair. This time, they strapped him in, hit the switch, and he died. 

Why did it work this time, but not the first time? 

The first time he was a bad conductor and the second time he was a good conductor.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## genebo

A, U C D LFN?
S, I C D LFN.
L, M N O LFN!
O S M R!


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Evons hubby

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 95518


Is that the same as a dose of claps?


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## Tom Horn

Evons hubby said:


> Is that the same as a dose of claps?


A dose of claps, or having the clap? 

There is a difference don'tcha know.


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## Tom Horn




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## muleskinner2

On old man is out by his front gate raking up weeds and leaves, when a mini van goes flying by. The van screeches to a halt and backs up. The drivers window rolls down, and he sees a thirty something soccer mom looking at him. "Do you do yard work?" she asks. "Almost every day." he replies. "How much would you charge to come to my house and mow my lawn?" she asks. "Well I really don't have a flat rate." he tells her. "For instance, the lady who lives here, lets me sleep with her."

With a shocked look on her face, the soccer mom rolls up the window and speeds away. The old man chuckles to himself, and goes back to work. About twenty minutes later the mini van comes back and stops in front of him. The window rolls down, and the soccer mom sits there for a few seconds then asks. "How often?"


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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

*How Do You Make A Pirate Furious?*

Take away the p.* 

What Do You Call An Intelligent Man In America?*

A tourist.

*What Do You Get A Hunter For His Birthday?*

A birthday pheasant.

*A Liberal Is Just A Conservative That?*

hasn’t been mugged yet.

*My Favorite Mythical Creature?*

The honest politician.

*What’s The Difference Between An Air Force Fighter Pilot And A Jet Engine?*

A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

*What’s The Difference Between A Lawyer And A Herd Of Buffalo?*

The lawyer charges more.

*How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Stop A Moving Bus?*

Never enough.

*How Do You Greet A Lawyer With An IQ Of 50?*

“Good morning, your honor.”

*Why Do They Bury Lawyers Twelve Feet Deep?*

Because deep down, they are really good guys!

*Dove chocolate tastes better than their soap.*

*The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died.*

Restaurant In Peace.

*What Do You Call A Frenchman Wearing Sandals?*

Philippe Philoppe.

*Your Wife Said You Never Buy Her Flowers. Is That True?*

To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.


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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn

.

*For my ex.








*


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 95887


May have been your lucky day because women don't usually open your beer for you anymore.


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## 67drake

I would put a like to the beer meme, but figured I’d get bashed too much. 
I did send it to my recently married son and told him to show his wife. 
I’ll let you know how that works out.


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## RJ2019

67drake said:


> I would put a like to the beer meme, but figured I’d get bashed too much.
> I did send it to my recently married son and told him to show his wife.
> I’ll let you know how that works out.


So your son's gonna be coming home to live with you again, eh?😁


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## Evons hubby

mreynolds said:


> May have been your lucky day because women don't usually open your beer for you anymore.


Or bring it to you either! The world is going to pot!


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## TripleD

Evons hubby said:


> Or bring it to you either! The world is going to pot!


It's better to open it yourself 🤣...


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## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> I would put a like to the beer meme, but figured I’d get bashed too much.
> I did send it to my recently married son and told him to show his wife.
> I’ll let you know how that works out.


Probably something like this.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was harangued for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


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## Tom Horn

Evons hubby said:


> Or bring it to you either! The world is going to pot!


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## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> Probably something like this.
> 
> A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was harangued for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
> 
> Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
> 
> To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
> 
> Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
> 
> Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Boss came to work with a black eye. I asked him what happened and he said he thought his wife told him to stand up. Turns out she told him to shut up instead.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## popscott




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## popscott




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Ok, not funny, but I found her looking for funny stuff.

What a babe.

She had it goin' on.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

The Remington 870, sweeping streets since 1950.

Jacking a live round into a 12 gauge pump is the universal language for, "Get the heck out of my house and off of my property."

Optional furniture, tactical barrel with iron sights, and magazine extension, available, depending upon the depth of your pockets.

Sweet.

.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Evons hubby

Tom Horn said:


> Ok, not funny, but I found her looking for funny stuff.
> 
> What a babe.
> 
> She had it goin' on.
> 
> View attachment 95943


They all do.... at closing time!


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## Tom Horn

Evons hubby said:


> They all do.... at closing time!


Beer goggle transformation.


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## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


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## nchobbyfarm

Deleted


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## Tom Horn

The sign reads:

Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters, the British Columbia Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any persons that use the out of doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any bears that might be close by so you don’t take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry “Pepper Spray” with him in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear sh*t has bells in it and smells like pepper.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. 

The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."


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## Tom Horn

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. 

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. 

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. 

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"


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## Evons hubby

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 96235


Black and blue


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## Tom Horn

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. 

Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"


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## Tom Horn

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it?" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." 

So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"


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## Tom Horn

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. 

Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" 

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "What"... she says, "You're coming empty handed?"


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## Tom Horn

An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip. Every now and then, the rabbi's grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable. After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, "I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What's your secret?" 

The rabbi replied: "Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of G‑d. So they look up to me. But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?"


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## no really




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## no really




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## MichaelZ




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## muleskinner2

An Idaho rancher is walking across his yard, and he notices someone drinking from the stream at the end of his driveway. He hollers out, "Hey, you don't want to be drinking that. It runs through my corral and is full of horse pee, and cow manure." The person turns and hollers back. "Hello, I am from California and I have just purchased the ranch next door. I don't hear very well, what did you say?" The rancher replies. "If you use both hands, you won't spill any."


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## Tom Horn

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.


Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.


A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.


You know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.


A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled…....cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the big pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a _bear_!"


What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.


Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're _on_ the other side!"


What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.


"I stand corrected!" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.


Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"


I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.


Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu—you get what you deserve.


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor. “I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba. The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?” “I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”


Gary was having a yard sale. A minister bought a lawn mower but returned it a few days later, complaining that it wouldn’t run. “It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you have to curse at it to get it started.” The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.” “Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.” 


Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief. The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision. As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”


Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. 


Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, “Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?” “They’re from Seattle,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”


A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he sees a parrot. "Who are you?" the burglar asks. "Moses," the bird replied. "Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed. "I dunno," Moses answered, "I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."


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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

Joe signs up for recruitment in the CIA and a couple days later he gets accepted into the training program. They begin to put him through a bunch of tests to see if he's truly qualified to be an agent. He goes to the shooting range, he swims and runs laps to show his endurance, and he trains in martial arts. Finally, when he has completed all the exercises, the director comes up to him.

"You have one final test. We need to know you have the guts to kill someone without a second thought. Take this gun and shoot the person in the next room"

Joe walks into the room to find his ex-wife sitting across a table in a chair with tape over her mouth.

As the director and other Cia members wait to see if he passes the test, they start to hear loud bangs and thuds coming from the room. The director rushes into the room to find the man's ex dead on the floor.

The director shouts, "What did you??"

"The gun you gave me was shooting blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair."


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## Tom Horn

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: ‘God, please give me the *strength* to cross the river.’

Poof!.. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: ‘God, please give me *strength and the tools* to cross the river.’

Poof! .. God gave him a row boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: ‘God, please give me the* strength, the tools and the intelligence* to cross the river.’

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up-stream and walked across the bridge.


----------



## Tom Horn

I thought my dad had wasted all his savings on an expensive hairpiece.

But one look and I realized it was a small price toupee.


My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a life ring.

Well, it’s what he would have wanted.


Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.


I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

It’s a complex complex complex.


What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?

An autumnobile.


The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.


Three men are on a boat one day. They all smoke and they’ve got four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.


A boy was born who had Indian, Chinese, Irish and Italian grandmothers.

They couldn’t decide on a name for him.

Then it hit them…

They called him Ravi O’Lee.


I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.


Someone was killed with a starting pistol today.

Police think it may be race-related.


I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row.

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.


Why was the little ink drop crying?

Because his mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long the sentence would be.


Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

If you're bad at haggling, you'll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.


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## Pony




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## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Not really funny, more dumb than anything. This message shows up on the message screen on the lower middle dashboard while driving my wife’s Suburban.
So…. I have to take my eyes off the road to read this lengthy message, then acknowledge it with the OK button? Genius!


----------



## Tom Horn

*An oldie but a goodie:


The Ant and the Grasshopper*
CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."

Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Day in the Life of a Cheerio*

One day in Cheerio City, an ordinary young Cheerio started his day. He decided to get a job. He was nearing his sell by date and figured it was time. There are three social classes in Cheerio City: the Regulars, the Wheats, and the Frosteds. The young Cheerio was simply a Regular and had little to no social status. The Wheat Cheerios around him all had average paying jobs and average families. The Frosted Cheerios represent the 1% of the 1% of Cheerio City. The young Cheerio rarely caught glimpse of a Frosted Cheerio. On his search for a job, he sees a baby Frosted Cheerio rolling uncontrollably into the busy intersection of Cheerio Street and Cheerio Avenue. He heroically saves the baby Cheerio from being flattened by a Cheeriomobile because he has a good personality and strong morals. 

The father of the baby was the Frosted CEO of Cheerio City Inc. He rolls over as fast as he could and sees that this young Regular Cheerio saved his baby even though he risked his own life doing it. The Frosted Cheerio promotes him to Wheat status and gives him a job as a secretary for his strong morals and good personality. Years later, the now middle aged Wheat Cheerio had worked hard for little pay but always kept a smile on his face because he has a good personality and strong morals. His boss decided that because of the Wheat Cheerio's dedication to Cheerio City Inc. that he would appoint him as the new CEO. The old Frosted Cheerio retired and elevated the Wheat Cheerio's status to Frosted and made him the new head of the Corporation. 

Years later towards the end of the now elderly Frosted Cheerio's life, he took one last vacation to Cheerio Island to relax. Cheerio Island was very popular this time of year and there were many other Cheerios visiting. It was a very toasty day and everyone was parched. The Frosted Cheerio wanted some milk, but the milk line was too long. Being a Frosted Cheerio, he could have cut to the front but he didn't because of his strong morals and good personality. So he moved on to the orange juice line, but it was also too long. Lastly, there was fruit punch. The Frosted Cheerio searched endlessly for the line.... but there was no punch line.


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## Tom Horn

.

*There are three kingdoms, one on each side of a roughly triangular lake...*

One of the kingdoms is marvelous, almost every house build lavishly, the royal castle made of gold, protected by an army of shining, masterful knights. This gold kingdom is the most wealthy of the three.

One of the kingdoms is modestly wealthy, each house built to last and the castle a beautiful structure. This kingdom possessed of an army of well trained, powerful knights, and was the second most wealthy of the three.

The last kingdom, however, was poor. Each man, woman, and child struggled to get through each day, each house barely stood steady, and the castle was barely a castle at all, rather just a slightly more solid structure. And the army, well, there was hardly an army.

Eventually, each of the three kingdoms decided that it wanted possession of the lake. It was the greatest resource of the area. The gold kingdom was used to getting what it wanted, and it wanted the lake. The silver kingdom felt that it could better compete with its wealthier neighbor, if only it had sole control of the fishing industry. And the poor kingdom, well, they had nothing to lose.

And so, the golden kingdom amassed 100 of its most well-trained knights, each in possession of a dedicated squire to attend to his every want.

The silver kingdom could not quite afford 100 knights, but could bring about 50, but each knight had 2 squires to attend to his whims.

The poor kingdom roused its sole knight. This was a man of great experience, but bent and weak with years. This man had a single squire, an old friend, just as wise, who had faithfully served him since before the hairs on his head shone gray.

The night before the battle, all the knights of the gold kingdom spent all of their coin in taverns, drinking to their hearts' content. After all, if the night was to be their last, they wanted it to be a good one.

The knights of the silver kingdom could not quite afford so much drink, but the other citizens of the kingdom got together to throw a massive party through the entire night, wishing them luck and good fortune in the battle the following morning.

But the old man and his friend from the poor kingdom could not celebrate quite so fervently. Despite their lack of coin, however, the squire was able to bring his friend an old pot from home, and together they made a stew, which they hung high over a fire from a noose tied to a tree. And there they say all night, enjoying the food and each other's company until weariness brought them both to sleep.

The following morning, all the knights of the golden kingdom were hungover, and they could not wake up. The knights of the silver kingdom were exhausted, and they could not stand. The withered old knight of the poor kingdom was too sore to move, as the night of sleeping on the hard ground had stiffened his joints.

And so all the squires had to carry out the battle for their masters. As they were all of similar training, the squires of the gold kingdom and the squires of the silver kingdom wiped each other out, not a single man standing by the end of it. However, the old man's squire was wise, and waited out the battle.

As the squire of the old withered knight was the last man standing, the lake went to the poor kingdom, and it was not long before the poor kingdom was not quite so poor as before.

And so it just goes to show, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.


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## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm

A highway patrolman pulled this truck over.. He walked up to the window and asked, "where is the Wille Nelson concert?"


----------



## nchobbyfarm

The Atheist and The Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals", he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot Bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."


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## Tom Horn

*I once went to theatre for a surprise...*

As I sat down with my friend we eagerly awaiting what was promised to be an amazing, thought provoking production, acclaimed to bring us a better understanding of the world around us.

The lights darkened and the curtain rose, on the stage sat a single chair, and a thick book, a man came on stage and picked up the book, sat on the chair and opened the book at the start, and began.

"A, Aardvark..." at this utterance I stormed out my friend following.

My friend muttered apologetically, and I exploded at them "I thought you said this play had puns?"

My friend spluttered and explained "no, I told you, it was a play on words"


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## Tom Horn

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it - Gene Perret


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## Tom Horn

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?' Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'


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## Tom Horn

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out...
...I’m just after my money.

Its really hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously.
It's like watching 2 tarantulas scream for attention.

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously
A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest
He seriously misunderstood the objective.

I ****ing love asterisks!
Seriously. I swear by them.

I knew a guy with a lisp I didn’t take seriously. But when he said binith
I knew he meant business

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?'

'How should I know?' the man answers, 'I'm not a lawyer!'

I got seriously drunk tonight and took a taxi home.
Who knows where I got it or how I'm going to return it.

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.
......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!


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## Tom Horn

*An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...*

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3) I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'


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## Tom Horn

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ‘How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 92 years old, how do you honestly feel?’
‘Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.’

A man asks his granny, “Have you seen my pills, they were labelled ‘LSD’?”
His granny replies, “Screw the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?”

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.
“You used to sit closer to me,” said the woman. So the man moved closer.
“You used to put your arm around me.” So the man put his arm around her.
“You used to nibble on my ear.”
“Let me get my teeth.”

An old woman says to an old man at the rest home, “I can guess your age.”
The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
“Pull down your pants,” she says.
She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”
“That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”
“You told me yesterday.”


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## Tom Horn

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
“Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks. “No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down.” she says.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. “Where’s my toast?”


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## popscott




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## Tom Horn

*A Plane is Crashing over the Atlantic*

A plane is halfway between New York and London when the pilot announces to the passengers that two engines have failed, and that they will be making an emergency landing in about 30 minutes. Most of the passengers are relatively calm, except for a woman in the back of the plane, who is in absolute hysterics. She is screaming and crying, until she stands up and shouts, "Please! Before I die, I want someone in here to make me feel like a real WOMAN!" A tall, handsome man with a sophisticated English accent stands up and slowly walks to the back of the plane. He sensually removes his shirt, approaches the woman and says, "Here. Iron this."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man walks out of his office during a thundershower...*

And lo and behold, there's an empty taxi right there! He hops in and remarks to the driver how lucky he is to get a taxi in such weather. The cabbie turns to him and says, "You obviously have perfect timing...just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Schwartz. Now that guy was a guy who did everything right. He was the luckiest guy in the world. Probably the closest thing to human perfection this planet has ever seen. For example, Sheldon always managed to get a parking spot in front of the door, no matter where he went."

"Ahhh, come on! You're exaggerating. Nobody's that lucky!" says the passenger.

"Sheldon was," says the cabbie. "Not only was he lucky, but he was an amazing athlete. He easily could have been a golf or tennis pro. He had a voice that would shame Placido Domingo into giving up opera! He was handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. Boy, you should have seen him in a tuxedo! He was a prime physical specimen- big tall and strong. He was also a terrific businessman. Everything he touched turned to gold. And boy! What a wonderful card player!"

"Oh, come on!" said the passenger. "You're making this up!"

"Oh no, I'm not. Sheldon had other gifts too. Like, he always knew how to please a woman. He was brilliant also. There was nothing he didn't know, nothing he couldn't fix. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I short out the entire neighborhood. And boy, did he know how to tell a story! He was the life of every party!"

"Wow, he sounds incredible. How did you know this Sheldon?" the passenger says.

"Well, I never actually met him," admits the cabbie.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" the passenger asks.

"After he died, I married his wife."


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## Tom Horn

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”


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## popscott




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## genebo

These questions and answers are from the days when the 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


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## JRHill02

Some people may appreciate this: I willed my scooter to my older son since the machine doesn't do well on logging trails







. This weekend his younger brother came to visit. He finally got to drive Dad's bike around the block, to the neighbor's probable irritation in a SID. #2 son is obviously elated at 30+YO. Now to me, that is funny:


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## 67drake

Kawasaki?


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## JRHill02

67drake said:


> Kawasaki?


"73 750 Honda. Ran low 10's. I hope my boy doesn't kill himself and that's no joke.

The original owner's wife made him sell the bike. It was stock when I bought it in '76.
My wife said if I ever rode it again she would divorce me.
My oldest who owns it now, he stuck an agreement with his wife that he gets to keep it but can't race it.

There must be some otherworldly thing going on here about wives and this scooter. Its a scary joke.

BTW, For those of you that are vets I hope you are getting pampered in some way this day. Sincerely, thank you. And even more so those that passed in service.

Here, I am grilling pork and beef ribs. More than she can eat tonight but she'll be up early in the morning, way before me, in the kitchen munching away with the pups who have true love in their eyes.


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## 67drake

My first bike was a ‘73 Honda 750. Pretty stock. Had a raked and extended front end though. It was that burnt orange metallic color.


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## 67drake

Ever have the feeling your being watched?
I hear a noise out in my kitchen, like a squirrel or chipmunk is in the walls or attic. I’m walking around trying to find the source and finally look straight up at my skylight. What the heck? I’ve never even seen a pigeon around here! This one is jumping around, scratching and pecking my skylight. He finally left after about 5 minutes, then just came back again. Loony birds.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. “Look at that. You rarely get one of these old wheat pennies nowadays,” I said, tapping the sheaf of-wheat design. I handed her the penny. Turning it over and over in her hand, she said, “You know, I always thought they were made of copper.”


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## Tom Horn

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”


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## Tom Horn

*How Long?*

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?"

Bill looks at him and says, "To your house."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Bicycle *

Two priests were talking, when one of them tells the other that his brand new bicycle has been stolen. He says that it must have been a member of his congregation, as he last saw it at the church.

The other priest says, "This Sunday, during Service, have your congregation recite the Ten Commandments. Hopefully the thief will feel guilty and come foreward."

So the two priests depart. A week later, the two priests meet again, and the first priest happily reports that he got his bicycle.

"So, the Ten Commandments worked?" The second priest asks.

"Yes", answers the first priest, "We got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', and I remembered where I had left it."


----------



## Tom Horn

*One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond. *

The pond was at the edge of his land and his body wasn't as it used to be, so he hardly went to that part of his property but he decided he wanted to look it over. There were fruit trees surrounding the pond so before he left home, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring some fruit back with him.

As he neared the pond, he heard laughter and shouting. When he got around the trees and bushes, he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He shouted out so that they could see he was there. After they saw him, they started shrieking and moved to the deep end.

One of the women shouted at the old man, "We're not coming out until you leave, perv!".

The old man frowned and said, "Now, I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Then, holding the bucket up and smiling, he said, "No, nothing like that. I'm just here to feed the alligator."


----------



## Tom Horn

*At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.*

"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"

"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...*

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

** POOF ** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

** POOF ** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

** POOF **

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''


----------



## Tom Horn

*A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...*

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major at college and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major at college! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some peaches, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.*

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'."

"Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student.

"Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?"

"Should I reduce?" asked the boy.

"That would be best," said the teacher.

"One-second," said the boy.

"Take as long as you need," said the teacher.


----------



## JRHill02

Tom Horn said:


> *A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...*
> 
> So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
> 
> Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
> 
> "Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
> 
> The man can't believe it.
> 
> "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!"
> 
> Naturally, they're both shocked.
> 
> "If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major at college and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
> 
> Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major at college! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
> 
> They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
> 
> "Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some peaches, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
> 
> The man puts down his fruit and responds,
> 
> "It's a date."


Tom, Thanks for this joke. Its a bit corny but corny is good. My Dad was the master of jokes that made ya think but were actually corny. I'm not a prude by any means but some of your recent stuff is on the edge. I appreciate your sense of humor and would love to have a beer or two or three with you!

"It's a date", if we can arrange the refreshment and location!


----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## JRHill02

OK, never mind


----------



## Tom Horn

JRHill02 said:


> Tom, Thanks for this joke. Its a bit corny but corny is good. My Dad was the master of jokes that made ya think but were actually corny. I'm not a prude by any means but some of your recent stuff is on the edge. I appreciate your sense of humor and would love to have a beer or two or three with you!
> 
> "It's a date", if we can arrange the refreshment and location!


My apologies,

I was not aware that what I considered to be mild innuendo would be considered offensively risqué.

I will pursue other forms of humor and eschew innuendo in the future.

Not much of a beer drinker but I was introduced to Radler while visiting Germany. 

I make my own version that I call a Mountain Dewski, half beer, half Mountain Dew.

Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

My mother used to make a pastry she called Chinese Chews that used dates. I liked them as a kid but I kinda lost my taste for them.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?*

A ginger bred man.


----------



## Tom Horn

Two Texans are hanging out in hell. One day, the devil walks up and says, "why are you two not burning?" The Texans reply, "We're from Texas, this feels great." So the devil goes and turns the heat wayyy up. There's no describing this heat. He returns to the Texans to find them still just hanging out. The devil asks, "why aren't you two burning now?" The Texans reply, "We're from Texas, this is great." The devil, furious, goes and turns the heat to double what it was. He goes to check on the Texans and finds them still hanging out. He asks again, "This is the hottest Hell has been in a very long time. Why aren't you burning alive?" The Texan replies, "For the last time devil, we are from Texas. This is nice weather." 

Then the devil has an idea. He goes and makes hell cold. VERY cold. He returns to the Texans to see them cheering and high-fiving. He exclaims, "WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE LEAST BIT UNCOMFORTABLE?!?" One of the Texans replies, "hell froze over, the Cowboys must've won the Super Bowl."


----------



## Tom Horn

*I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...*

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Once, long ago, there was an Indian princess.*

She was called Princess Happybottom, but she was very unhappy. She wanted more than anything to just be a normal girl.

One day, a magician noticed her forlorn appearance, and asked how he could help. “I just want to be normal, with a normal name, and be treated like a normal person.”

“I would be happy to help,” said the magician, as he waved his magic wand over her.

Her hair turned darker and more unkempt, as her ornate dress changed to a polyester top and pants.

She marveled at how she had changed, and how suddenly. But then she paused.

“What about my name? That has to be normal, too.”

The magician smiled and said, “Your name is now Gladys.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo.*

He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it's right in front of a mechanic in town.

He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he's going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat.

Walking back to his car, the mechanic tells the penguin "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin laughs: "Oh, no" he said, as he wiped his mouth "It's just ice cream."


----------



## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> Two Texans are hanging out in hell. One day, the devil walks up and says, "why are you two not burning?" The Texans reply, "We're from Texas, this feels great." So the devil goes and turns the heat wayyy up. There's no describing this heat. He returns to the Texans to find them still just hanging out. The devil asks, "why aren't you two burning now?" The Texans reply, "We're from Texas, this is great." The devil, furious, goes and turns the heat to double what it was. He goes to check on the Texans and finds them still hanging out. He asks again, "This is the hottest Hell has been in a very long time. Why aren't you burning alive?" The Texan replies, "For the last time devil, we are from Texas. This is nice weather."
> 
> Then the devil has an idea. He goes and makes hell cold. VERY cold. He returns to the Texans to see them cheering and high-fiving. He exclaims, "WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE LEAST BIT UNCOMFORTABLE?!?" One of the Texans replies, "hell froze over, the Cowboys must've won the Super Bowl."


You have to mean the oilers or the Texans. The cowboys have won a bunch of times. 

Not that that pleases me since I am a lifelong Packers fan.


----------



## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> *A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo.*
> 
> He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it's right in front of a mechanic in town.
> 
> He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he's going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat.
> 
> Walking back to his car, the mechanic tells the penguin "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin laughs: "Oh, no" he said, as he wiped his mouth "It's just ice cream."


Dayum, can you post that stuff here or not?


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Alice In TX/MO

Apparently, I can’t get there from here Google maps never filled in the blue route line


----------



## Tom Horn

*An old married couple is in church one Sunday when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”*

The husband turns back to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.*

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.


----------



## Tom Horn

*In a catholic school canteen there are three long tables*

At one end of the middle table, there is a plate of apples and a piece of paper in front of the plate saying "Take only one, God is watching." There is a second plate at the other side of the table, and this one has cookies in it. There is another piece of paper in front of this plate and it has an obviously hand written note on it saying "Take whatever you want, God is watching the apples!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Being stuck inside for a long time due to Covid, my wife started having recurring nightmares about how our house is made of celery.*

Doctors think it is stalk home syndrome.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man goes to the doctor...*

A man goes to the doctor, feeling a bit under the weather. After running several lengthy tests, the doctor sits the man down.

“Unfortunately, there are two diagnoses I have to give you. You have cancer, and are unlikely to live more than a year”

“That’s unfortunate,” replies the man.

“As for the second diagnosis, you have Alzheimer’s.”

“Well,” replies the man, “at least I don’t have cancer.”


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

mreynolds said:


> Dayum, can you post that stuff here or not?


I remember the line being, "Fix the darned thing, and keep my personal life out of it."


----------



## Tom Horn

*So the Pope is Super early for his flight.*

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."


----------



## Tom Horn

*One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.*

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.*

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A guy is late for an important meeting.*

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.*

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.*

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. 

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Evil Hitchhiker?*

So I was driving - saw a hitchhiker. It was dark and raining and he looked a little rough, but I picked him up anyway..

After he climbs in and we pull back out onto the highway, he turns to me and, with a wry grin and a glint in his eye, says "How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

To which I replied "The odds of there being two serial killers in the same car, is astronomical."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...*

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the nice folks you can talk." says Bob.

"He's right," says Ollie the Octopus, "I can talk. I can also play any musical instrument."

"True story!" Says Bob the sailor "...but if you wanna test him, you've gotta pay 50 bucks a try!"

One fella reaches into his pocket and says "Here's $50, and my harmonica." Ollie plays a long, slow, mournful song that quiets the bar and brings a tear to the eye of everyone with a heart not made of stone. This is truly amazing, especially since octopi are devoid of lips.

Jimmy runs out to his car and grabs his fiddle. He hands it to Ollie with a crisp $50 bill. Ollie picks up the fiddle and plays a lively jig that has boots stomping and hands slapping tables. The mood has improved and folks are buying rounds for Ollie and Bob.

Seamus, an old, crusty Scotsman hobbles over to Bob and says "Aye boy, ye plannin' on bein' here for a spell?"

"Sure we are!" say Bob and Ollie in unison.

"Good then. I'll be right back."

And off Seamus goes into the evening.

Bob and Ollie have a few more drinks, Ollie plays a few more instruments, and everyone sings a few more songs.

About an hour later, Seamus casts a dark shadow at the tavern door. Clutched under his arm is the most magnificent set of Great Highland Bagpipes you've ever seen. Dark polished wood for the chanter, mouthpiece, and three drones.

The cover was done in rich corduroy, slightly worn from the years of use.

Ollie's eyes widened in surprise.

Seamus gently placed the pipes down on the bar beside Ollie with a wry grin and quietly said "Now m'boy...what're ye gonna do with that!?"

Ollie was speechless. He ran his tentacles over the individual pieces, exploring the instrument. He felt the cloth, the wood, the finger holes. He'd never seen anything like this.

Seamus got louder. "Come ON ye silly cephalopod!" which was strange for Seamus to say, being as though he only had a third grade education. "What're ye gonna do with this now?!"

Ollie looked as Seamus, and with determination in his eyes he said:

"I'm going to make love to her. Just as soon as I figure out how to get her pajamas off!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1 equals*

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because they are the same."

The mathematician responded, "Well, really for numbers to exist, one must actually assume that 1+1=2, then the entire number line can be constructed. It's an axiom."

The accountant gave a wry smile and said, "1+1 eh? Well, what do you want it to equal?"


----------



## Lisa in WA

Funny, but true.


----------



## no really




----------



## no really




----------



## muleskinner2

Bigfoot has seen me, but nobody believes him.


----------



## Tom Horn

A small-town parish priest realizes that he is getting too old to ring the bell in the tower and advertises for a bell ringer. A few days later there's a knock at the door and the priest answers only to discover a man standing there with no arms. "Can I help you?" the priest asks, to which the man replies that he is there to apply for the job. "I don't want to be insensitive", the priest exclaims, "but I don't see how you can fulfil the requirements of the job."

The man pleads with the priest to give him a chance and the priest decides to acquiesce only to convince him that it's a waste of time. When they get to the top of the tower the priest points to the large bell and says "Well there it is!", but before he can finish the sentence the man starts running straight at it and strikes it face first. The shocked priest shouts "No!! What are you doing?", but again the man runs the length of the bell tower headfirst into the bell, which is starting to sway back and forth. the priest yells "Stop, please, no more" but the guy is already running full speed at the bell and again strikes it headfirst. By now the bell is really rocking back and forth and starting to ring. 

The priest pleads with the man who is now bruised and bloodied, "For the Love of God, no more", but his pleas fall on deaf ears as the guy sprints across the tower at the swinging bell. Unfortunately, he mistimes it misses the bell entirely and flies off the edge of the bell tower. The priest screams and rushes down the stairs to help the guy. When he gets to the bottom he sees a crowd of people gathered around and pushes his way through to the bruised and battered body. Someone says "Father do you know this man?", and the priest answers

"No, but his face rings a bell!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Mother's Day*

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A drunk staggers out of a bar and into a nearby cathedral.*

He eventually stumbles his way down the aisle and into a confessional. After a lengthy silence, the priest asks, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno" comes the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*There was a boy born without any eyelids*

And it caused him terrible discomfort and to make matters worse, the doctors feared he would inevitably go blind one day.

Then one doctor came up with an ingenious solution. He planned to circumcise the boy and use his foreskin to make new eyelids for him.

After a lengthy procedure, the surgery was a success and now the boy has two fully functioning eyelids.

The doctor says the boy is doing fine, he's just a little cock-eyed.


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Evons hubby

Tom Horn said:


> *There was a boy born without any eyelids*
> 
> And it caused him terrible discomfort and to make matters worse, the doctors feared he would inevitably go blind one day.
> 
> Then one doctor came up with an ingenious solution. He planned to circumcise the boy and use his foreskin to make new eyelids for him.
> 
> After a lengthy procedure, the surgery was a success and now the boy has two fully functioning eyelids.
> 
> The doctor says the boy is doing fine, he's just a little cock-eyed.


Ok, I’ve run this through babblefish... in 17 languages it’s still just baaaaaad!


----------



## mreynolds

MO_cows said:


> View attachment 97470


And I quit caring before Y2K. I'm still here too.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.*

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*An Arkansas redn*ck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.*

The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed.

She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.*

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. 

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A pregnant woman runs into a hospital*

and starts shouting "Can't! Won't! Shouldn't!"

One doctor turns to the other and says "What's going on?"

The other doctor, with a smirk, says "She's having contractions."


----------



## Tom Horn

*An elderly man was on his deathbed*

and is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Going to a church potluck...*

A man calls his friend to remind him about a church potluck tomorrow.

"Ok," he says, "My wife and I will bring the cheese, and you and your wife need to bring the bread."

His friend, who is kind of an anxious mess says, "Oh man, that's a lot to remember. I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know how I'm going to keep all of this information straight!"

"Woah woah woah," the first man says to his friend. "Take it easy, man! Just remember: cheese us loaves you."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man is very worried about the future...*

Anxious with fright, he visits the village soothsayer and asks him what the future holds.

''Hold your hand out for me.''

The man does as requested and the soothsayer looks at the hand, the shapes and patterns intriguing him. A bit cautiously he says ''Your mother in law will die very soon.''

''I know that already! Just tell me if the police will able to catch me or not!''


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

*A trucker and a blonde.*

A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The trucker takes a rock and draws a circle around the blonde.

"Don't you dare set foot outside this circle," the trucker orders.

He walks over to the blondes car and keys the side of it. When he returns, the woman is standing in her circle giggling. This angers the trucker even more. He proceeds to grab a bat out of his semi and smash the mirrors off the woman's car. When the trucker returns to the woman, she is still standing in her circle laughing. Enraged, the trucker takes a gas tank out of his semi, douses the woman's car in gas, and sets it on fire. The woman bursts into hysteria.

"I just totaled your car!! What is so funny?!" The trucker shouts.

The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

*My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner*

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man travelling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar*

He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he's blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me names, I'll smash your face in!"


----------



## Tom Horn

A bartender is working at an upscale bar downtown when all of the sudden, an Englishman, a Dane, a Frenchman, a German, a Russian, an American, a Canadian, a Mexican, a Peruvian, a Brazilian, a Colombian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Korean, 29 different Africans from all different African countries, and an Indian all walk in to the bar.

And the bartender says to them, sorry gentlemen, but you can't come here without a Thai.


----------



## backwoodsman7

Tom Horn said:


> I was not aware that what I considered to be mild innuendo would be considered offensively risqué.
> 
> I will pursue other forms of humor and eschew innuendo in the future.


I'm sure I'm not the only one who appreciates the intention, but it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe we need a separate thread for off-color jokes, so we prudes don't have to bother the rest of you.


----------



## Tom Horn

backwoodsman7 said:


> I'm sure I'm not the only one who appreciates the intention, but it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe we need a separate thread for off-color jokes, so we prudes don't have to bother the rest of you.


Well... If you don't like a joke you don't have to read it. I'm not in the please everyone game.



> There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
> 
> Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
> 
> Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.
> 
> They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
> 
> As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
> 
> The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your a*s.


You can't please everyone so you got ta please yourself.- Ricky Nelson, Garden Party.


----------



## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> Well... If you don't like a joke you don't have to read it. I'm not in the please everyone game.
> 
> 
> 
> You can't please everyone so you gotta please yourself.- Ricky Nelson, Garden Party.


Not wanting to get in the middle of anything but that is my favorite parable of all time.


----------



## Redlands Okie

^^^^^ at your age ? I am impressed


----------



## Tom Horn

*A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project*

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.


----------



## Tom Horn

*My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone.*

So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me:
"We should have sex while my sister isn't home."

I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I find my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said:
"You've just won my trust honey!"

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.


----------



## Tom Horn

*So a tourist walks into an English pub...*

A tourist walks into an English pub. While he is waiting for his beer, he notices two rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent. He walks up to them and says:

"Excuse me, I can't quite put my finger on your accent -- are you two ladies from Ireland?"

They get outraged and snap back:
"It's Wales, you idiot!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Wife Missing*

My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.


----------



## Tom Horn

*They say the best way to prepare your kids for loss in later life is to have pets.*

So I bought a puppy and shot it in front of them. I'm not having my kids growing up damaged.


----------



## Tom Horn

*My wife told me to prepare our red headed son for his first day at school.*


So I beat him up and took his lunch money money off him.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit*

After the cannon was delivered, they realized that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong. The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.


Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one day the manager noticed an incredibly skinny man in the audience. After some negotiating the skinny man signed on with the circus. Not only did he fit in the canon, but he was a natural. The new exhibit soon became the main attraction.


Getting shot out of a cannon night after night began to take a toll on the new star's body, until eventually he'd had enough. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to resign", he told the manager.


"You can't quit!" the manager exclaimed, "I'll never find another performer of your caliber."


----------



## Tom Horn

*An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing.*

So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about
30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
supper?"

"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*My pillow*

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the sewing room upstairs to my bedroom downstairs. Alas, I dropped it from the top of the stairs and by the time it reached the bottom there was stuffing everywhere, and all of the thread had come loose.

It appeared I would have to live without my pillow...

or sew it's seams.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.*

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're resting on the dining room skylight."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Massachusetts State Police found a large number of dead crows on the Mass Pike outside of Boston today*

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by vehicles.

The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus vehicle kills.

The Ornithological (Bird) Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"


----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> ..


It has actually been determined that a wooden nickel is now worth twenty five cents.











See me to collect yours now before they go up in value.

I am also offering a bridge for sale in Brooklyn, NY, also at a very good rate.


----------



## Tom Horn

*In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.*

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a wall!”


----------



## Tom Horn

*An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."*

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”

The nurse walks in carrying box #22.

Doctor: "Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."


----------



## Tom Horn

*People say it takes a long time to get over your ex girlfriend*

I just needed to step on the gas pedal a little bit harder.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Russian Jew...*

...is migrating to Israel after much paperwork and waiting.

At Moscow airport, customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: who is he? This is the most respected Comrade Lenin who laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking him with me as a memory of our glorious days."

The Russian customs officer says, "my apologies, comrade, you may proceed".

At Tel Aviv, the customs officer asks, "What is this?"

He replies, "What is this? Wrong question Sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the maker of socialism and made my life a living hell in Russia. I take this statue with me so I can spit on him every day."

The Israeli customs officer says, "I understand Sir, you can go on."

Once he arrives at his new house, he puts the statue on a table, and to celebrate his immigration, he invite his friends and relatives to dinner.

One of his friends asks him, "Who is this?"

He replies, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this? This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without customs and tax."


----------



## Tom Horn

*What’s 50 feet long and has 37 teeth?*

The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call *

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a Breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I will have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Manitoban, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


----------



## Tom Horn

*When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. *

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. 

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."


----------



## nchobbyfarm

backwoodsman7 said:


> I'm sure I'm not the only one who appreciates the intention, but it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe we need a separate thread for off-color jokes, so we prudes don't have to bother the rest of you.


Trolls are gonna troll! 

TH doesn't care what others might find offensive.


----------



## Nimrod

Did you hear about the midget soothsayer that escaped from the county jail?





The headline read "small medium at large"


----------



## Tom Horn

Nimrod said:


> Did you hear about the midget soothsayer that escaped from the county jail?
> 
> The headline read "small medium at large"


Did you hear about the bandits that hit the pharmacy?

One of the things they stole was the supply of Viagra.

The police are on the lookout for hardened criminals.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright lengths of wood or metal.*

I chose the ladder.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current **pharaoh's** body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.*

It could be noted, the pharaoh was the ruler.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What's the difference between a length of pipe and a pale Dutchman?*

One's a hollow cylinder, and the other's a sallow Hollander.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?*

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What has 20 legs and 2 teeth.*

The methadone line


----------



## Tom Horn

*A German girl married a Spanish man*

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana. So She took her husband to the shop. Because her husband speaks Spanish very well.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye*

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## 67drake

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 97566


Mine too! The worst is a neighbor who helped me clean out my pole barn when I moved in here. I gave him a bunch of random plumbing and electrical parts. Of coarse my next plumbing project, on a Sunday evening after stores were closed, I went back over to his house and sheepishly asked for a couple copper fittings back.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A lawyer is riding in the back of his stretch limousine...*

...when he sees two homeless men standing at the side of the road, eating grass. He gets his driver to pull over, then rolls his window down and leans out.

"Why are you two eating grass?" he asks.

"We have no money for food," the first homeless man replies.

The lawyer shakes his head. "You don't have to do that. Hop in my car and you can eat at my place."

The first homeless man says, "but sir, I'm not alone. My wife and two children are just there, under that tree." He points to his small family hiding at the side of the road.

The lawyer smiles. "They can eat at my place, too."

The second homeless man says, "my wife and four kids are with me too." He points to his family, gathered behind a bush.

The lawyer nods in understanding. "You're all welcome to join us."

So the homeless men and their families climb into the limo, and the lawyer tells his driver to return home.

"Sir, you are too kind," the second homeless man says in gratitude.

The lawyer smiles warmly at them. "Don't mention it. You guys are gonna love my place; the grass is a foot high!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two strangers were sitting next to each other on an airplane, getting ready to take off. While getting situated the woman sneezes, but as she does she also begins to*

shudder immediately following the sneeze. The man sitting next to her extends a kind "bless you." She says thanks and they continue waiting until she sneezes again, and again she shudders and moans a little, saying "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." This throws the man for a loop, saying "sneezing is totally normal, but the trembling is very different." The woman replies "I have an extremely rare condition, that whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." the man says "Oh wow, I've not heard of anything like that before. Is there any medication you're taking for it?", to which she replies "pepper."


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn

Some people say that I'm self-centered. But enough about them.

I bought a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words as well!

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

My friend said, "You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot." It was a third-degree burn.

I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot. Now, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

I once paid $20 to see Prince live in concert. But I partied like it was $19.99.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....*

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems very deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.

Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.

Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks

Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"

Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.

Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"


----------



## Tom Horn

*My redne*k cousin is looking for a girl into multiple partners. I told him that was ridiculously cliché...*

I mean really. Cracker wants a poly?


----------



## Tom Horn

*Did you hear about the old prospector who accidentally swallowed a gold nugget?*

I saw him digging through his feces, so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was just mining his own business.


----------



## Tom Horn

My brother hosts our family's Passover meals. During the course of the dinner he incorporates puns taken from the Haggadah. His puns are so painful we call him the Marquis de Seder.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth?*

It’s just named after that stuff on the ground.

*It's crazy how sexist the postal service is.*

I guess that's natural with such a mail dominated industry.

*A cruise ship passes by a remote island,*

and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

*What's the difference between being crazy and being eccentric?*

The size of your bank account.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Nazi walks into a bar*

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!"

Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction.

The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".

The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"

The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Devil sat at the gates of hell... *

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell.
“Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” He said

The old man sighed and said:

“Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time..

And that’s when everything went crazy!

Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous!

And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”

“So what did you do?” The Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.

The old man continued,

“You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it.

I did the only think I could!

I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!

The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal.

But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know they’re dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.”

“So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.

The old man nodded,

“By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight.

It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”

“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.

The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialed a number.

“Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”

The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.

The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said,

“You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”

The old man nodded,

“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Cinco de Mayo and the Titanic*

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York ..

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico ..

But, as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -

Sinko De Mayo.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A young Native American boy is listening to his dad...*

talk about how to read the skies, in order to know how much wood is needed for the winter. Being the youngest of two boys, as well as his older brother being the apple of his fathers eye, he knows he won't be made chief, so he saw no point in learning it. A few years later, a tragedy strikes the tribe as the Chief and the eldest son are killed in a car accident and the young boy (now a young man) is now made chief of the tribe, the land; the whole reservation. After a period of mourning, a few people approach him and ask him to read the skies, as winter is approaching and they need to know how much firewood they should collect. The new chief freaks out. He has no idea how to do that. 

Thinking quickly, he orders the men to collect fire wood. After a few days he gets the idea to contact the local weather station and asks the meteorologist how bad the winter will be. "Oh, it's going to be bad this year". Panicking, he orders the men and the women to go collect firewood. A few days later he phones the meteorologist again and asks him if the weather is still going to be bad. "Oh, it's worse than we thought, the winter will be bad". The chief orders the men, women and the children to go collect firewood until people are having to store the wood in their own homes.

A few months later and winter is upon the tribe, the chief calls the meteorologist once again and asks him if the weather is still going to be bad. "Oh, it's going to be a lot colder that we thought", says the meteorologist. "Maybe the coldest winter we've had in many, many years".

"Is that what your your satellites are telling you?", asks the shocked chief.

"Oh, no, we don't use satellites to predict bad winters", the meteorologist says nonchalantly.

"Well...what then?", the chief asks confused.

To which the meteorologist explains: "We go by this Native American tribe just down the way and they've been collecting firewood like crazy".


----------



## Tom Horn

*I found this amazing app that let's you find out which of your friends are racists, which ones are sexists and even which ones are just crazy.*

It's called 'Facebook'.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I swear my neighbor is completely crazy! She was walking her dog this morning and talked to it the WHOLE time. She acts like it's a human!*

When I got back to my apartment I told my cat all about it. We laughed about it for hours and hours...


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## Tom Horn

*After a crazy night on the town, all I can remember before blacking out is paramedics approaching me with a stretcher.*

I guess I got carried away.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man is driving down a country road going 45mph, and all the sudden he notices a chicken running next to him.*

He couldn't believe his eyes, how could a chicken run so fast?

So he speeds up to 60mph to outrun the chicken, and after a few seconds the chicken has caught up to him! He simply can't believe it, he shakes his head and looks back and suddenly the chicken is gone. But no! He looks ahead and the chicken is in front of him now, and in addition to being impossibly fast, it looks like the chicken has 3 legs!

The chicken turns down a driveway leading to a farm and disappears. Well, naturally the man had to follow the chicken to see where it went because he thought he must be going crazy at this point. After a mile or so he pulls up to a farm, where he sees a farmer standing out front.

The man gets out of his car and and walks up to the farmer and asks "sir, did you just see a chicken come blazing past here?".

"Yes." The farmer replied.

"Did that chicken have 3 legs!?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I breed 3 legged chickens." The farmer said.

"And why do you do that?"

"Well, when we cook a chicken for dinner, I like to have a drumstick, the wife likes to have a drumstick, and my son also wants a drumstick, and by golly I just got sick of fighting over them."

A long pause...while the man scratches his head. He finally asks the farmer, "so...how do they taste?"

The farmer responds with a frustrated tone: "I don't know I've never been able to catch one."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Adolf Hitler and my ex wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...*

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"*

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by canes. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk

Ok, it's really OSB..................


----------



## Tom Horn

*The #1 cause for accidents in Georgia is deer.*

Which is crazy to me since they can’t drive.


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## Tom Horn

*A scientist sat beside a little girl on a plane. He wanted to start a conversation.*

He said: I hear flights shorten if you talk with other passengers…

The little girl replied: OK, what do you want to talk about?

The scientist was being a bit sarcastic: Why don't we talk about nuclear physics?

The girl said: Can I ask you something first? A goat, a cow and a horse all eat grass, yet a goat poos small balls, a cow poos flat paddies and a horse poos plum size droppings. Why is that?

The scientist replies: I have no idea!

To which the girl responds: And you want to talk about nuclear physics? You don't know sh*t!


----------



## Tom Horn

*Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...*

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They get to the dive site when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word! So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come diving this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "diving or sex," and she said, wear sun-block!


----------



## Tom Horn

*Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995*

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Over.

Americans: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Over.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Over.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Over.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. Over.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. OVER.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Over.


----------



## Tom Horn

*John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.*

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.

After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.

Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.

On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.

The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.

Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:*

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:

"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech. Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Ma'am," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."


----------



## Tom Horn

*An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.*

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again Helen turned it down, saying "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard. He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition. They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars. Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.

As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound. When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, "that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride".

Bill replied, "well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks."


----------



## Tom Horn

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:" Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:" I have no idea!"

Officer:" So, you're drunk."

Me:" But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:" Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you are driving in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?

Me:" A motorcycle."

Officer:" Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:" I have no idea!"

Officer:" As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:" So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:" A prostitute of course."

Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...


----------



## Tom Horn

*Homeless man strikes up a conversation with a lady*

A homeless man starts speaking to a young lady in a bar one night. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree. Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?" The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology and a French Minor. I think it's my felon status that prevents me from getting a job" Intrigued, the young lady asks, "What landed you in jail?" Taking a sip from his drink, the homeless man answers "The French minor."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two bodybuilders are having a conversation in Hell.*

Man 1: “Hey dude, do you think there is anywhere down here where I could get a protein shake?”

Man 2: “Dude, there’s no whey in Hell.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...*

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you led the way to the creation of modern science.”

Galileo smiled with joy and walked away.

Leonardo, intrigued by Galileo’s question, says, “Jesus, please tell me what I’m remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Leonardo, you are remembered as one of the best painters, sculptors, architects, scientists, and anatomists in all of history. Your paintings of the Mona Lisa and The Last Supper are still considered to be one of the most miraculous works of art of all time.”

Leonardo smiled with joy and walked away.

Marco, now eager to ask the same question, says, “Jesus, please tell me what I’m remembered for on Earth all these years later.”

Jesus pauses for a significant amount of time and starts sweating profusely. After minutes of silence and sweat forming at his feet, Jesus replies, “Ok, so a bunch of kids get into a pool...”


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## MO_cows




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## mreynolds

MO_cows said:


> View attachment 97637


I met them once. My doh bro introduced me to them.


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## Tom Horn

*Two terrorists having discussion in a bar*

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.

Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.

Waiter: Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Grave side discussion.*

A man goes into his back yard to relax and enjoy some sun. As he is about to sit down he hears some crying coming from the other side of the fence. He goes and looks over, seeing the neighbors little girl crying as she finishes shoveling the last bit of dirt into a hole.

‘Sorry, but I heard you crying, are you all right. ‘He asked.

Wiping the tears from her face with her dirt covered hands she looks up at him over the fence. ‘ My birdie died, and I just buried him’ she sobbed.

Seeing the abject loss in her face it broke his heart. ‘ Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. It is never easy to deal with. ‘ he told her. ‘But is that hole a bit big for your bird?’

Packing the dirt down with her boot, she looks back at him. ‘It had to be. He was inside your friggin' cat.’


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## Tom Horn

*Internet Discussion*

user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!

user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.

user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!


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## Tom Horn

*I had a heated discussion with an art historian yesterday*

We disagreed on whether I ordered curly fries or mozzarella sticks with my burger.


----------



## Tom Horn

*So a politician dies...*

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”

‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”

‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!”

‟Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??” says the politician.

‟Them’s the rules” Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy disappears

And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he’s in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can’t be right?

‟Open your eyes!” says a voice. ‟C’mon, wakey wakey, we have only got 24 hours!”. Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he’s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there’s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini.

‟Who are you??” The politician asks. ‟Well, I’m Satan!” says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. ‟Welcome to Hell!”

‟Wait, this is Hell? But... Where’s all the pain and suffering?” he asks.

Satan throws him a wink. ‟Oh, we have been a bit misrepresented over the years, it’s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there’s extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It’s a beautiful day, and if you’d care to look outside...”

Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.

‟It’s one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there’s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbor!” says Satan, answering his unasked question.

So they head down in the elevator, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he’s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he’s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. 

He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep...

And is woken up by St Peter. ‟So, that was Hell. Wasn’t what you were expecting, I bet?”

‟No sir!” says the man.

‟So then” says St Peter ‟you can make your choice. It’s Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on”.

‟Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I would prefer Hell” says the politician.

‟Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!” Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulfurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other.

‟What’s this??” He cries. ‟Where’s the hotel?? Where’s my wife??? Where’s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???”

‟Ah”, says Satan. ‟You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted...”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.*

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use as his house.

He took the box back home, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he knocked on the box and asked the centipede, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit,

but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receiving blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. Finally, the guy decided to give the centipede one last chance. This time he put his face right up against his pet's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a rather annoyed little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on."


----------



## Tom Horn

*An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.*

Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor."

Officer: "That is correct."

Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?"

Officer: "The floor was still wet."


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn

*Really, Jen?*

My sister, Jennifer, started a vlog where she could be 100% herself. She called it “Really Jen”. She recently went hiking and was doing a video about group of ticks she came across in the woods which she swore were in a polyamorous relationship together, if you can believe it.

Anyway, she asked me to join her on camera for discussion, but I declined.

I told her I make it a point never to discuss Really Jen and poly ticks with family.


----------



## Tom Horn

*My wife and I have ,after a long discussion, decided we don't want children.*

We're telling them tomorrow.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar*

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it.

"Look:" he says "people are dumb. Anybody could covert someone to a religion. Hell, half the guys in this bar would turn Hindu if I offered them a free beer. If you want to really prove yourselves, go convert a bear. The biggest saints and prophets in all your religions could tame savage beasts with just words, you try it."

All of them look at each other nervously, but a mix of alcohol and pride make them all agree to it. They decide to meet up a week later to discuss how they did.

The priest comes in with his arm in a sling, and scratches and cuts all over his face, beaming from ear to ear. "Well," he said, "it wasn't easy, but I did it! The bear tackled me at first, and I wrestled him for a while until we rolled into a stream. Then, I just dunked his head underwater and baptized him. He received his first communion, and the bishop is coming down in a week for his Confirmation".

The minister then walks in using a pair of crutches, with cuts all over him, and his leg in a cast. "I pulled it off!" He announces. "The bear kept slashing at me, and I just kept clubbing him over the head with my Bible. Eventually, he snatched it out of my hand and started reading. He's going to deliver the sermon this Sunday at my church!"

Finally, the Rabbi rolls in in a wheelchair, with a full body cast. He doesn't say anything, just goes up to the bar and orders a drink. After nursing it for a bit, he finally says "In retrospect, starting with the Bris (Look it up. I did) was a bad idea."


----------



## Tom Horn

*An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.*

The priest explains his process: the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. 

The imam replies: Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah.

The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. 

The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between G-d and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever G-d needs he takes while what falls to the ground is mine.


----------



## Tom Horn

*An aircraft control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft*

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled, Mayday, mayday!

The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket as he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! Mayday, mayday!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!”

He began his series of questions:

Tower :“How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?”

Aircraft :“I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!”

Tower :“Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft :“I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!”

Tower : Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft : The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*If you ever get locked out of your house...*

Talk to your lock calmly. Communication is key.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Stung...*

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The European Union commissioners announce that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications...*

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.*

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."


----------



## Tom Horn

*My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.*

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.


----------



## Tom Horn

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. 

Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball." "And?" asked the doctor. "Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey—this one here looks like yours!'"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Never underestimate old ladies.*

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.”

The old lady suggested, “Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says “Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time”.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?”

Farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Little Timmy always procrastinated his schoolwork*

A few weeks ago, his teacher assigned the class to write a 10,000 word paper on a great philosopher, but with just 12 hours until the paper was due, Little Timmy had not written a single word. Realizing his predicament, Little Timmy hastily took a pencil out of his drawer and sat down in front of blank paper to begin.

Although he knew nothing about philosophy, he knew that if he wanted to finish in time, he'd have to start writing and hope that something would come to him as he did. Just as he was about to put pencil to paper... the great philosopher, Plato appeared in Little Timmy's bedroom!

Amazed, Little Timmy listened as stoic Plato started to speak. As philosophers do, Plato spoke at length about his views on the world and Little Timmy did his best to understand. At last, Plato said, "Little Timmy, if you remember anything I've said, remember that for a man to conquer himself is the first and noblest of all victories!"

Head swimming, Little Timmy noticed that time had flown by and there were only 10 hours left to write his paper.

Confident he could still finish in time, he grabbed his pencil to write down what Plato had said to him about man conquering himself. Just as he was about to put pencil to paper... the great philosopher, Descartes appeared in Little Timmy's bedroom!

Startled, Little Timmy listened as the contemplative Descartes started to speak. As philosophers do, Descartes spoke at length about his views on the world and once again, Little Timmy did his best to understand. At last, Descartes said, "Little Timmy, if you remember anything I've said, remember this: I think, therefore I am!"

Still overwhelmed, Little Timmy noticed that more time had flown by and there were only 8 hours left to write his paper.

Confident he could still finish in time, he grabbed his pencil to write down what Descartes had said to him about existence. Just as he was about to put pencil to paper... the great philosopher, Frederick Nietzsche appeared in Little Timmy's bedroom!

Unbelieving, Little Timmy listened as disparate Nietzsche started to speak. As philosophers do, Nietzsche spoke at length about his views on the world and Little Timmy did his best to understand. At last, Nietzsche said, "Little Timmy, if you remember anything I've said, remember there is no point to anything."

Deep in introspection, Little Timmy noticed that time had flown by and there were only 4 hours left to write his paper. Little Timmy began to sweat, he had never finished a paper in such little time, but Nietzsche had stuck a chord with him and he had finally decided that the hopeless philosopher would be the subject of the paper.

Inspired and confident he could finish just in time, Little Timmy grabbed his pencil for the last time to write down what Nietzsche had said to him about there being no point to anything. However, just as he was about to put pencil to paper that final time...


... Little Timmy looked at his pencil and realized there was no point.




> Ecclesiastes 1:1The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:
> 2 “Meaningless! Meaningless! says the Teacher.
> “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*You have to be a real piece of sh*t to throw your garbage out your car window.*

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.*

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup*

But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."

I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I wasted my time on a vasectomy.*

All it does is change the color of the baby.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man goes shopping with his wife*

As they pass by the liquor section, the man sees a few bottles of his favorite whiskey on the shelves. He then sees a sign above that says "2 bottles for $50". Ecstatic, he asks his wife if he can get it and she says, "No, it's just a waste of money" and with that they continue.

Later they pass by the cosmetics and his wife picks up several boxes and bags of various lotions, creams, wipes and other stuff, which is part of a deal for $100. Ecstatic, she asks her husband if she can get it and he says, "No, it's just a waste of money".

She replies, "But it makes me look beautiful!"

The husband replies, "So does two bottles of whiskey, and it's half the price!"


----------



## poppy

Trump GPS

jordan orris on Twitter: "This TikTok has me absolutely dead https://t.co/VszU4GNuBS" / Twitter


----------



## sharkerbaby

OMG, I am dead!!! That's hilarious.


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## Tom Horn

Dude graduates from Texas A&M school of Agriculture, goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the Aggie returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks. When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the Aggie why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The Aggie says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."

Bemused by his lack of success, the Aggie sends off a report of what he has done to Texas A&M, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, "Please send soil sample."


----------



## whiterock

What do you call an aggie 3 weeks after graduation?

Boss.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Ten Thoughts*

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2 In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.


----------



## Tom Horn

*My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show...*

...and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.


----------



## Tom Horn

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an
old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your
water allocation.' The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field
over there.

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to
go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the
old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence
and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was
gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified,
so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and
shouted out.....

'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'


----------



## Tom Horn

*Three Old Prostitutes*

Three old prostitutes were sitting around the nursing home, chatting about the old days. The subject of their first trick comes up:

First prostitute: My first trick was a police officer, and he was the best lover I ever had.

Second prostitute: My first trick was a fireman, and he was the best lover I ever had.

Third prostitute: You two are lucky. My first trick was a farmer and he was the worst lover I ever had. First he complained it was too dry, then he complained it was too wet; my window was open and he complained that it was too windy. And when he left he complained he didn't get a free hat.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Stalin visits a farm*

One day, Joseph Stalin visits an agricultural collective. And so....

Stalin: Comrade, how much wheat do you have?

Farmer: Comrade Stalin, we have enough wheat to reach God!

Stalin: Comrade, as a Marxist, you know that there is no God!

Farmer: Comrade Stalin, as a Marxist, you know that there is no wheat!


----------



## Tom Horn

*I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...*

... he made a bolt for the door.


----------



## mreynolds

whiterock said:


> What do you call an aggie 3 weeks after graduation?
> 
> Boss.


After the big annual game the longhorns lost. Being mad they went on the prowl looking for Aggies. They found one at the Sonic so they sent for their friends. 

So when they get 50 or so they head to the Sonic. They decide they need to send a scout ahead. A little bit later the scout comes back yelling:

"Go back. It's a trap. There is 2 of them."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A carpenter is at a pretty ghetto strip club*

He sees a clearly obese woman dancing on a table, and is amazed. He walked over to her and says "dang those are some really nice legs". "Awe you really think so?" She replied. "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now."


----------



## Tom Horn

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “diamonds-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy as*holes from Lowe’s ever deliver the frickin' sheetrock.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"*

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!
He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?
I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"


----------



## Tom Horn

Its 1960 and Bob goes to pick up his date.

Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Bob is shocked. "Excuse me Sir?"

"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her."

Just then, Peggy Sue comes down stairs and announces she is ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door and screams at her father,

"Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn

*The hypnotist*

A renowned hypnotist is attempting a mass hypnotism in a large auditorium. There are over 15,000 people there listening with rapt attention. The hypnotist pulls out a very nice golden pocket watch and holds it up for the entire crowd to see. He begins by saying:

"This is a watch passed down from many generations of magicians and hypnotists, it's worth is beyond measure. Today I will bring you under such a strong hypnotism with this very watch that you will do whatever I say."

As he says this, he begins to swing the watch, letting the chain out gradually as it rocks back and forth. Under his soothing performance the crowd's heads begin to droop. just as the crowd slips completely into the hypnotic state the hypnotist's hands slip on the watch and it drops to the floor, cracking the crystal.

"Sh*t!" He mutters under his breath.


It took a month to clean that place up.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Um Gwalla gwalla*

The state senator was seeking votes for his election campaign for Congress and decided to visit the local Indian reservation. He stood in the large community hall and told the Indians what he would do for them if he was elected.

"I think the time as come when you people deserve to really control your own destiny," he said.
From the crowded auditorium cam a responding chorus, "Um gwalla gwalla!"

The senator smiled. "Furthermore," he continued, "I think the time has come for your old people to get really good pensions."
Again from a chorus of "Um gwalla gwalla!"

He nodded approvingly. "One more thing," he said, "if I'm elected, I'm not going to rest until everyone of you Indians get full citizenship with all the rights every full-blooded American has."
One again, there was a loud responding roar of "Um gwalla gwalla!"

After his speech, the senator was given a guided tour of reservation. he saw a high fence and asked what it contained.
The guide said: " That the place where we kept bulls. Now just empty grazing ground. No bulls now".

"Good!" he said, and started to climb over the fence.

His guide warned: "Be careful, senator! you go in there you liable to step in much gwalla gwalla."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Rich Lawyer on a plane next to philanthropist*

Rich lawyer is sitting in first class next to the head of a major charity organization.

Head of said charity takes the opportunity to introduce himself and the cause, but lawyer isn’t interested in giving. No surprise. He’s notoriously rich and not very friendly.

Finally, charity director confronts attorney. “Look we’ve asked you to attend our fundraisers for years, and you always refuse to donate a dime despite it being the paper that you are worth millions and have no kids. I also know you’ve turned down lots of other charities. Why don’t you just give something? It will help your image.”

Lawyer says: “So you know I have millions and you know I don’t donate... but do you also know that my brother is a completely disabled veteran?”

“Oh, sorry.” He apologizes quickly.

“And did you know my sister’s husband left and her house burned down so her and her kids are sharing an apartment.”

“Wow, I’m sorry. You’re right I had no idea.”

“And do you further know that my parents are elderly?”

“Look, I didn’t mean to-“

“So if I don’t give them any money, what I’m the heck makes you think I’d give some to you?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Would you be offended if I said...*

that I'm not voting for that white, elitist, pompous, corrupt, egomaniac that's going to ruin our country?

...or would you even know which candidate I'm talking about?


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Blarney Stone*

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffed.

"Not, me Darlin'," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Psychology Definitions....*

* A psychologist is a person who tells you what everybody knows in a language nobody can understand.

* The superego is that part of the personality soluble in alcohol, or the superego is that small inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.

* A neurotic is a person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion.

* A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

* A hypochondriac is a person who wants to have his ache and treat it too.

* A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.

* Consciousness is that annoying time between periods of sleep.

* A sadist is a person who does kind things to a masochist.

* The Freudian Virus causes your PC to become obsessed with its own motherboard.

* Guilt feelings are the attempt to express the good intentions you never really had.

* Lysdexia is a peech imspediment we live to learn with.

* A lottery is a tax on people who don't know statistics.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I think I will have to go to the doctor soon.*

My father is a hypochondriac and I think it's hereditary. I'm starting to see the symptoms.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man comes home from work and plonks himself on the sofa, in front of the tv.*

"Quick, get me a beer, before it starts" he tells his wife.

His wife goes off to the kitchen, gets him a cold can of beer, and brings it over.

He cracks it open, drinks it down in one long gulp, smacks his lips, and says to his wife "That was good. Now, bring me another beer, before it starts."

His wife gets up slowly this time, and heads off into the kitchen. She's starting to get annoyed, but she brings him back another can anyway. Once again, he cracks it open, downs the contents in one, and this time, lets out a satisfied belch. "Quick, get me a beer, before it starts!" he tells his wife again.

She loses it. "You good for nothing, lazy piece of ****" she shouts at him. " You come home from work, and don't even say hello. You sit in front of the TV and order me around like I'm some kind of house slave. I don't get any thanks for all that I do around the house. You drink too much…"

"Yup" the man says. "It's started".


----------



## Tom Horn

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very fond of each other. He kept asking himself: “Is this the one?”

One evening at a restaurant, he opened up to her. “As you have probably figured out, I've grown very fond of you, and have started to think about a future together”

She interrupted to say “I have been feeling the same way about us.”

He smiled at her and continued: "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

"What is it?"

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course just about every day, every holiday, just every chance I get. I try to play 36 holes each day, but if the weather is good, I'll try to pay even more.”

He finished with: “I thought you should know before we go any further.”

She pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."

There is a long pause, and her heart was sinking with every second of protracted silence.

She watched him fidget with his hands, and still there is silence. She began to despair.

Finally, he picks up his head and looks right at her: "That's not really a problem. Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."


----------



## Tom Horn

*"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."*

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old man. "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, they both ask: "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don’t wake up until 7:00."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.*

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.

The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir.

But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam.

Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!?

Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd. . ."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.

"I learnt it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."


----------



## Tom Horn

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He answered, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F" means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it?" The man answered, "S-H-I-T" means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'.


----------



## Tom Horn

*An American woman walks into an Italian Starbucks.*

She asks for a venti latte and takes her seat. She sits there for 30 minutes, exasperated that she doesn’t have her latte yet.

After a while, the cashier finally calls her name, and the woman goes up.

The cashier hands her 20 lattes.

Hint.

(Dammi venti latte)


----------



## Tom Horn

*Rolls Royce and a Mini*

A Rolls Royce and a Mini Cooper pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down.

The guy in the Mini smiles back at the guy in the Roller and raises an eyebrow as he in turn presses another button and his seat reclines slightly, all while he's starting the guy in the Rolls Royce in the face. Mr. Rolls Royce takes up the competition as he smugly presses a button on his dash and his seat reclines and his arm rest contours up slightly. Mr. Rolls Royce winks as he does this knowing he's scored a point here.

As the light begins to change the guy in the Mini reaches forward and presses yet another button on his center console and his rear seat smoothly flattens out into a bed. The light goes green and he's away leaving the guy in the Rolls Royce with his jaw dropped open. Mr. Rolls Royce is livid. Being done over by that little pipsqueak, he decides to drive straight to his local Rolls Royce garage. He gets there and demands that they drop everything and he tells them that at the press of a button he wants the rear seat of his car to open fluidly into a double bed. The mechanic tells him it can be done but it'll be incredibly expensive and he'll be without his car for a couple of weeks.

Two weeks later he picks up his car and then spends the next two months driving round looking for that little squirt in the Mini. There's no way he's letting him think he's got one over on him. For two months straight he's driving around town looking for this Mini and its driver. He looks everywhere, can't find him, and he's getting despondent until one day he sees the Mini parked up a little lovers lane. Gleefully he pulls up next to the Mini which is gently rocking back and forth with its windows all fogged up. He pulls up level with it and rolls his window down and knocks on the window of the Mini. The owner of the Mini clears the mist from his window with his hand and looks quizzically at the smug face of the Rolls Royce driver and asks what he wants. Mr. Rolls Royce who has been waiting for this moment for two months now simply presses a button on his center console and delivers what he believes to be the killer blow as his rear seat smoothly expands into this beautiful double bed complete with satin sheets. Two roses on the pillow complete with two flutes of champagne pop up ready to use. With a massive grin the guy in the Rolls Royce simply says to the guy in the Mini

"What do you think about that then pal?"

The guy in the Mini looks a little exasperated as he says in return

"You got me out of the shower for that?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."*


There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."


He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs."


The Father says, "You need to say 40 Hail Mary's and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish."


The confessor replies, "Yes Father, they were."


The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.


The man said, "Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions."


The priest responded, "Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?"


The man replied, "No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!"


The priest says, "Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?"


Exasperated the man said, "No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!"


The priest said, "Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!"


The man said, "OK, fine," and left.


As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, "So, how did it go?"


The confessor said, "Great! 6 months off, and two leads!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow*

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow.

"Wha- ... what? What's wrong?" he says blearily. He can barely see her in the dimness.

"Honey ... if I were to die and you remarried ... would you sleep with her in our bed?" she asks him anxiously.

He turns and looks at his bedside clock ... 3:14 a.m. ... then turns back to her.

"Hon ... can't this wait? I mean ... what-"

"Please," she says. "I need to know."

He thinks about it for a moment, gathering his muddled thoughts.

"Well ... it's a pretty new bed ... we've only had it a few years so ... I suppose so, yeah."

She considers this, then squeezes him arm again.

"And my clothes? What about my clothes? Would you ... would you let her wear my clothes?"

He glances toward the large walk-in closet, then turns back to her, a little exasperated.

"I dunno, hon ... maybe ... you have a lot of clothes." He sighs. "If they fit her and she wanted to, better than letting them go to waste, I guess."

She pauses again for a moment, taking this in.

"And my golf clubs? Would you let her use those?"

"No," he replies. "She's left-handed."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Arthur is 90 years old, and played golf every day since he went into retirement....*

So one day Arthur, who is 90 years old, comes home to his 93 year old wife exasperated. "That was the last straw" he says, "I'm stopping with golf because my eyesight is so bad that whenever I hit the ball I have no idea where it lands, and I lose it!".

His wife makes him a cup of coffee. While they sit down she tells him, "Why don't you play with my brother, Norman?"

"It won't make any difference" Arthur says, "Your brother is 99 years old".

"Yes" says his wife. "But he still has perfect vision!" she explains.

The next day Arthur invites Norman for a round of golf. He puts the ball on the first tee, and drives it perfectly!

Squinting, Arthur asks Norman "Did you see where the ball landed?". "Of Course" replies Norman. "I have perfect vision!".

"So, where did it go?" Arthur asks.

Norman: "I can't remember".


----------



## Tom Horn

*Men helping men.*

I was at an Ikea this last weekend, wandering around the show room, when I absentmindedly ran into a young guy doing the same thing.

I apologized to him, explaining that I'd I'd been mesmerized by the massive quantity of things and had somehow wandered away from my wife. With my mind preoccupied, I guess I hadn't really been looking where I was going.

He laughed, and explained that he'd lost his wife too. I offered to help him look for his wife if he'd help me look for mine.

The young guy starts telling me what his wife looks like. "Well, she is 24, tall, with blond hair, blue eyes, long legs, wears a 34DD on days she wears a bra, and is in Daisy Dukes and a white tee today. What about yours?"

I told him "It doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.


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## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## mreynolds

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 97795


Can I have that in orange?


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## Tom Horn

*The Baker*

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.

He hears that a lot of money can be make fur trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his bakery and moves to Canada to fulfill his dreams.

Unfortunately it doesn't go as planned. He is making even less money than before. After a while he fears he will not have enough money to feed himself.

He goes to a bar to drown his sorrows, and explains this all to a man at the bar. The Baker asks him what he should do.

The man says, "If at furs you don't succeed, try rye again."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Jack and John decided to go skiing.*


They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house to myself, but I'm recently widowed". She explained " I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you in".

"Don't worry" John said. " We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light".

The lady agreed, the 2 men slept in the barn and left at first light. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about 9 months later, John got a letter from an attorney and it took him some time to figure it out. He determined it was from the attorney of the widow they met during their skiing trip.

He dropped in on his friend Jack.

John: Jack, do you remember that good looking widow that we met on that skiing weekend?

Jack: Yes I do.

John: Be honest with me Jack, did you pay her a visit at the middle of the night?

Jack( looks a bit embarrassed now) : Yes John, I did.

John: Now tell me this Jack, did you give her my name and address instead of yours?

Jack( his face now beet red with embarrassment) : I'm
sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?


John: She just died and left me everything.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.*

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Just recalling the great toilet paper shortage and my Walmart experience.*

I couldn't find toilet paper anywhere at Walmart, so I finally found an associate wearing the signature yellow vest, and asked, " Is there toilet paper anywhere in this store?"

She looked me up and down and said, "We've been out of toilet paper for over a week."

Imagine my embarrassment as I waddled back to the restroom with my pants around my ankles.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A picket to Tittsburgh*

A guy travels out to visit a friend of his in Pittsburgh who is going through some hard times. His friend picks him up at the airport.

"How was the flight?"

"The flight was fine but I embarrassed myself when I bought my ticket."

"Oh? What happened?"

"The woman at the counter was very attractive and instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, I asked for a picket to Tittsburgh."

"Oh that's just a Freudian slip. Happens all the time. Just the other night at dinner I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt but instead said 'you ruined my life you b*tch'".


----------



## Tom Horn

*I try to use big words whenever I can...*

Sometimes it backfires, but usually I end up looking really photosynthesis.


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## Tom Horn

*A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.*

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points!! Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."


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## Tom Horn

*Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...*

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough landing in a forest. Unfortunately, he hurt his arm very badly. Once he made it back to an Allied base, doctors were forced to amputate the arm.

After his military service, Card. Mason enrolled in Notre Dame's seminary program and became a priest. Following his ordination, his first assignment was to an African mission in a small town near a silver mine.

Courageous hero that he was, Card. Mason was awoken abruptly one evening due to an accident in the silver mine. A fire had broken out deep within the mine and parts of the mine shaft were beginning to collapse. But he ran into the mine, heedless of the danger warnings being yelled at him.

While he continually searched for more survivors to drag to safety, a wooden support beam snapped and a piece of it stabbed Card. Mason in his eye, which would be lost to him from that moment onward.

With his one arm and last remaining eye, he persevered, going deeper into the blazing fire of the silver mine. The burning silver acted as a severe skin agitant and actually changed the hue of his skin to a purplish color. Still, in the end, he managed to save 28 people.

This was the Cardinal considered prior to Pope Benedict XVI's selection. Although the vote was close, the College of Cardinals decided that the world wasn't ready...

...

... (Are you ready for this?)

...

... for a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do you call an election ballot in **Mexico**?*

pick-o-de-guy-o


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## Tom Horn

*Why does Mexico never win the Olympics?*

Because everyone there, who knows how to run, jump or swim is already in the US.


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## Tom Horn

*What's the difference between a product made in Mexico and a product made in America?*

One is made by a Mexican, while the other is made by a Mexican immigrant.


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## Tom Horn

*In China, they invented a machine that can capture thieves*

They tested out the machine in China for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the Russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in Mexico City, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit... They stole the machine


----------



## Tom Horn

*THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...*

How bad is it you ask?

So bad

THAT...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!


----------



## Tom Horn

*An American couple are driving across Canada*

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

He walks up to the farmer and asks,

"Hey there, can you tell me what the next town is called so my wife and I can find it on our map?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." the farmer says.

The man walks back to the car and gets in.

"Well honey, where do we go?" his wife asks.

"I don't know," the man says, "he doesn't speak English."


----------



## Tom Horn

*An American is visiting the Soviet Union.*

He’s taking a train from Leningrad to Kiev and listening to his handheld radio when a Soviet man leans over to talk to him.

“You know, we make those better and more efficiently here in the Soviet Union,” he says.

“Oh?” Says the American.

“Yes,” the Soviet man responds. “What is it?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Soviet Union. Judge comes out of the courtroom, laughing.*

- Why are you laughing?

- I've just heard a very funny joke.

- Tell me it.

- I can't, I just gave a 10-year sentence for it.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What was the tallest building in the Soviet Union?*

KGB Headquarters. You could see Siberia from the basement.


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## Tom Horn

*Potatoes For Everyone!*

A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.

''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ''That's all right, there are no potatoes, either.''


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## Tom Horn

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says ‟Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.”
The one says to the other, ‟should we do it??” The other says ‟NO!! Are you crazy?” The first guy replies ‟Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I am gonna do it.” So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says ‟well, did you get the money?” He replies ‟Oh that's all you people think about, is not it??”


----------



## Tom Horn

* The Blue Pill …*

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.


----------



## Tom Horn

* Of Swine and Men …*

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening. They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep in the same building as a cow.” So the rabbi says, “It’s okay, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But soon, he is back knocking on the door as well, saying, “There is a pig in the barn, and I cannot shelter in a building with a pig.” So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. Shortly, there is another knock on the door and the farmer sighs and answers it. It’s the pig and the cow.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two redn*cks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.*

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.


Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two redn*cks survived the
crash.


After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"


Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.*

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”

The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, Sweetie, what are you doing then?”

He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, ‘Vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*What Is Chutzpah?*

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and no other word, and no other language, can do it justice.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her $1.00, but never take a pretzel.

This offering went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his dollar as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in over 3 years. Without blinking an eye she said: "They're $1.25 now."


----------



## Tom Horn

*I failed my Greek Mythology exam.*

It has always been my Achilles' elbow


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Apollo mission crew planted an American flag on the moon, but UV radiation has since turned it completely white,*

So now it’s a French flag.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea?*

Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels


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## Tom Horn

*A buzzard gets on a plane with a rotting rabbit carcass.*

The flight attendant says "You can't bring that dead animal on the plane."

The buzzard replies "It's OK. That just my carrion."


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## Tom Horn

*Use Your Lifeline...*

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.

After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."

"You're welcome!" the blonde said.

"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why California is broke and Texas is not.*

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.<br>
He calls animal control. Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases. The governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for six months while the California Fish and Game Department conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals. The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a 'coyote awareness program' for residents of the area. The Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
The governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training, re: the nature of coyotes. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and tries to attack him and his dog. The governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging.

The governor spent 50 cents on a 9mm, hollow-point cartridge. Buzzards ate the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

*Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant*

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was camping it up outrageously. He seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your tray, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, B*tch."


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## Danaus29

Dang, I never get good flight attendants like that.


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## Tom Horn

*Ponderisms:*

Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


----------



## Tom Horn

*Quasimodo's mother returns from grocery shopping with, among the groceries, a large steel wok.*

"Oh, mummy, this is wonderful," says Quasimodo. "I just love Chinese food!"

"It's not for cooking," says his mother, "it's for ironing your shirts."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Mummy with Uncle Paul*

A young girl is at home when her father calls. The daughter picks up.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

A brief pause. "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Mummy says I do! He's with Mummy in the room, right now."

Another brief pause. "Uh, alright, here's what Daddy wants you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Okay, I've done it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?"

"Mummy got all scared and jumped out of beds with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she's not moving at all!"

"Oh my god!!! What about the Uncle Paul?!"

"Uncle Paul jumped out of bed with no clothes on too! He got all scared and jumped out the window into the swimming pool. But I think he doesn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and now he isn't moving too!"

A long pause this time. "Swimming pool...? Is this 486-5731?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two thieves are rooting through a farmer's shed*

The farmer sneaks up on the shed and locks the door from the outside trapping the two thieves inside. So he calls the OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) and tells them he has the two thieves locked in his shed and to come and arrest them. The dispatch says that they are really busy and will get there when the can.

A half hour later the farmer calls the OPP back and says, "don't worry about the rush, I shot the two guys in my shed" and hangs up.

10 minutes go by and three cruisers speed up the driveway, the farmer is standing by the shed. They farmer yells at them "they're over here and unlocks the shed to see two alive thieves with their hands up when they see all the police.

"I thought you said you shot them?" One of the cops said. The Farmer replied "I thought you said you were busy".


----------



## Tom Horn

*I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.*

When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A 10 year old boy was at the center of a **Cincinnati** courtroom in Ohio yesterday*

.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cincinnati Bengals whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A mail order bride and the butcher . . .*

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did manage to communicate with her husband with gestures mostly. The real problem arose whenever she had to go grocery shopping.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request. So in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to tell the butcher. So she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store . . .

. . .

. . .

. . .


. . . now get your head out of the gutter. Her husband speaks English.


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## Tom Horn

*A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.*

As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.

On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the guy behind the counter, "Zis is voonderbar! Zey do not have food like zis vere I am from."

In a heavy Brooklyn accent the guy behind the counter replies, "Now whose fault is that?"


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## TripleD

Tom Horn said:


> *"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."*
> 
> "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
> 
> "Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old man. "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, they both ask: "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
> 
> "I don’t wake up until 7:00."


Dad said that's the best one I've told him!!!


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## Tom Horn

TripleD said:


> Dad said that's the best one I've told him!!!



My 86 yo Dad liked it too.


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## Tom Horn

*What’s a r*dneck with a British accent called?*

An Australian


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## Tom Horn

*I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels.*

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.


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## Tom Horn

*"Sugar" is the only "su"-word in the **English** language that makes the "sh"-sound!*

(I haven't actually fact-checked this one, but I'm pretty sure it's correct)


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## Tom Horn

*The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.*

If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a
Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."


----------



## Tom Horn

*I just memorized six pages of the dictionary...*

I learned next to nothing.


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## nchobbyfarm




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## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> *The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.*
> 
> If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a
> Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
> causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."


We also wrench the dishes after we warsh them.


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## mreynolds

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 97931


Did you name him Beetlejuice?


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## Tom Horn

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave.

“He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated,…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,…

“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:,…

“Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else,…

But his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,…

Calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says,

* * * * * * * * * * *

“Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, Dave.”


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## popscott




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## 67drake

Tom Horn said:


> *What’s a r*dneck with a British accent called?*
> 
> An Australian


Speaking of accents and ********. My wife and I are friends with another couple that moved up here to Wisconsin from Alabama. He was a marine biologist in the Coast Guard.
One day the wife and kids were over, but not the husband. I asked where he was.
“Oh, he’s home sleeping, he was up all night working on a speel. “ She went on for a minute or two talking about this speel out on Lake Michigan. I finally stopped her to ask what the heck a “speel” was.
“You know, an oil speel”. I was thinking “Uhhh”
“You know, if your beer tips over, it speels all over the floor!”


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## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> Speaking of accents and ******. My wife and I are friends with another couple that moved up here to Wisconsin from Alabama. He was a marine biologist in the Coast Guard.
> One day the wife and kids were over, but not the husband. I asked where he was.
> “Oh, he’s home sleeping, he was up all night working on a speel. “ She went on for a minute or two talking about this speel out on Lake Michigan. I finally stopped her to ask what the heck a “speel” was.
> “You know, an oil speel”. I was thinking “Uhhh”
> “You know, if your beer tips over, it speels all over the floor!”



That's pretty good.

Did you hear this one?

I was at the pub in London the other night with my buddy having some beers. We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s WALES you idiot!!!’

So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’


----------



## 67drake

Tom Horn said:


> That's pretty good.
> 
> Did you hear this one?
> 
> I was at the pub in London the other night with my buddy having some beers. We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s WALES you idiot!!!’
> 
> So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’


Mine wasn’t a joke though, it actually happened. I guess I’m not up on southern dialect.


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## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> Mine wasn’t a joke though, it actually happened. I guess I’m not up on southern dialect.


Yes, I got that. That must have weirded you out a little bit.

It's interesting how many brogues exist here in the US.


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## Redlands Okie

Unfortunately the brogues do not seem as common as they used to be. Less humor for us to provide others or have provided for us


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## Tom Horn

Redlands Okie said:


> Unfortunately the brogues do not seem as common as they used to be. Less humor for us to provide others or have provided for us


There's always Bugs Bunny.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Amish woman and the Pennsylvania State Trooper*


An Amish woman is in her horse and buggy heading back home when a state trooper pulls her over. The trooper walks up to the door of the buggy and the woman says "Good afternoon, young man. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper says, ma'am, I pulled you over because you were speeding........

.......I'm just kidding."

The two chuckled a bit before he continued to say "Actually, I pulled you over because there's strap around your horse's... genitalia. It looks like it's a bit painful, and I wasn't sure if you knew it was there."

The woman replies "Oh dear... well my husband is the one that rigs the horses. I just clean them, and throw the horse over the fence some hay. But as soon as I get home, I'll be sure to tell him."

The officer ended with "Please do as soon as you can. Have a nice day."

The woman gets home and says "Pa?"

Her husband yells down "Yes, ma?"

To which she replied "A nice, young state trooper pulled me over today, and said there's something wrong with the brakes."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Sex After Death*

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact:

"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Walking Eagle*

President Biden was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Congressman of Delaware, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to the floor for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers"

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the President.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh*t it can no longer fly.


----------



## Tom Horn

Two young boys were sitting on a bench watching the grown-ups dance at a wedding reception, when the younger of the two boys, deep in thought, asks the other boy, “How many women can a man marry?” Right away the other boy answers, “Sixteen."

“Sixteen!? Wow, how do you know that?” the younger boy asks.

“Didn’t you hear the preacher when he was talking? All you have to do is add it up,” the older boy says.

“Four better, Four worse, Four richer, Four poorer.”


----------



## Whoo

Tom Horn said:


> *"Sugar" is the only "su"-word in the **English** language that makes the "sh"-sound!*
> 
> (I haven't actually fact-checked this one, but I'm pretty sure it's correct)


Are you SURE about that???


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## Tom Horn

Whoo said:


> Are you SURE about that???


Shur am


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## nchobbyfarm




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## Pony

mreynolds said:


> Can I have that in orange?


I prefer red....


----------



## Pony




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## mreynolds

Pony said:


> I prefer red....


I have red currently but won't again. After a 600 dollar water pump and 6 week wait to get from Korea I think I'll pass the next time. 

Other than that good tractor.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.*

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and says to the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?“

Jack looks at the man, who’s obviously a yuppie, he then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and responds calmly, “Sure, why not?“

The yuppie then whips out a very impressive iPhone 11 Pro smartphone from his jacket pocket and begins to surf the NASA website. Simultaneously he uses the GPS satellite to get the exact coordinates of his location. He then feeds that back to Google Earth to capture a high-resolution image of this location.

The young man then opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia.

Within seconds, he receives an email to his iPhone 11 Pro to confirm that the image has been processed and the data captured and stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally he uses an AirPrint printer located in his car to print out a full-color, 150-page report. He then turns to Jack, hands him the report and says, “Sir, you’ll see from the Executive Summary that you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.“

“That’s right,” says Jack. “I guess you can take one of my calves.“

Jack then watches with amusement as the young man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his car.

After a minute or two, Jack says to the guy, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?“

The young man thinks for a second and then he says, “Sure, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the US Government“, says Jack.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?“

“No guessing required son,” Jack responded. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want paying for an answer I already know; to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars-worth of equipment trying to show me how smart you are; and you don’t know a thing about how ordinary, working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. If you did you’d know that this herd is actually a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*The story of Jimmy the dumb student*

There once was a boy named Jimmy who studied in an elementary school in a small town.

This kid was so stupid he didn't understand anything at all, no one liked him, his teacher Ms. Dorothy always yelled at him: "Jimmy you're gonna give me a heart attack!"

One day his mom came to school to ask about him and Ms. Dorothy told her that in all her teaching career she never saw a kid as stupid and slow as Jimmy.

But Jimmy's mom didn't listen and decided to take Jimmy and leave town.

20 years later Ms. Dorothy went to hospital because of heart complications and the doctors decided she needs open heart surgery,

The operation was successful, when Ms. Dorothy woke up she saw a handsome surgeon smiling at her, and because she was under anesthesia she still couldn't talk so she tried to express her gratitude with her hands.

The surgeon looked at her face which was turning blue as she started to suffocate, she was trying to speak and point with her hands but to no avail until she died.
the surgeon was stunned and didn't know what was going on.

He turned around to find Jimmy the hospital janitor had unplugged her ventilator to use the vacuum cleaner

.........

Did you really think Jimmy the dumb student became a surgeon?


----------



## Tom Horn

*How are a divorce in Arkansas and a tornado alike?*

Somebody's going to lose a trailer...


----------



## Tom Horn

*My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"*

"...but you can't count Missouri (some old timers call it Mizzery) twice."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Who lives on the streets in Oklahoma?*

The oklahomeless


----------



## Tom Horn

*How ironic, a tornado tore through Miss Oklahoma's vegetable patch the day after she was crowned Miss America.*

She actually got her wish for whirled peas.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man couldn’t wait to be in his mid 50s*

So he moved to Oklahoma and became a boomer, sooner.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Three new corpses are delivered to the **morgue** one day, each with a smile on their face.*

The mortician examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death.

"First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.

Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile on his face."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

The mortician says, "Ah, this is perhaps the most interesting of all. Billy-Bob, a r*dneck from Oklahoma, aged 25, struck by lightning".

"Why's he smiling, then?"

"He thought he was getting his picture taken".


----------



## Tom Horn

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student. “And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. “Elation,” she said. “And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “what about the opposite of woe?” The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be ‘giddy up’ .”


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## Pony

mreynolds said:


> I have red currently but won't again. After a 600 dollar water pump and 6 week wait to get from Korea I think I'll pass the next time.
> 
> Other than that good tractor.


WE had a '69 Massey-Ferguson that I liked. Now we have a 76 International. It has quite a few hours on it, but other than the alternator, it's been a great gift that we've enjoyed having. That bucket loader is one of the best tools in the universe!


----------



## Tom Horn

*Life Support*

A husband and wife were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Boy & Grandpa*

A little boy comes running Into the room and says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can you make a sound like a frog?" The Grandpa says, "I don't know, why?"

The little boy says, "Because grandma says as soon as you croak, we can go to Disneyland!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Jittery Taxi Driver*

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look buddy, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Turkey Shopping*

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Dat Ain't Bubba*

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba." "How can you tell?" asked the mortician. "Cause Bubba had two as*holes," replied Billy-Joe. "Two as*holes? That's impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two as*holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two as*holes!"


----------



## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

*ARKANSAS VASECTOMY*

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.”

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…” at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.


----------



## Tom Horn

*How to use an ATM machine...*

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6. Wind up window

7. Drive off.



FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine

3. Re-start stalled engine

4. Wind down the window

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card

6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror

7. Attempt to insert card into machine

8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page

12. Enter PIN

13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN

14. Enter amount of cash required

15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror

16. Retrieve cash and receipt

17. Empty handbag again to locate cash purse and put cash inside

18. Place receipt in back of check book

19. Re-check make-up again

20. Drive forward six feet

21. Reverse back to cash machine

22. Retrieve card

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided

24. Re-check make-up

25. Re-start stalled engine and move off

26. Drive for 3 – 4 miles

27. Release hand brake


----------



## Tom Horn

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man.

“My father wouldn’t like it.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said.

“Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”


----------



## Tom Horn

Q: Why do farmers always slap their knee?

A: To get the cow crap off their pants


----------



## Tom Horn

*Teddy Kennedy the Red Nosed Senator... *

Teddy the red-nosed senator
Had a very shiny car
And if you ever saw it
You were probably at a bar.
All of the other senators
Wondered how he got his dames
They thought he drank too many
To play in any bedroom games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say:
Teddy with your nose so red,
Wont you help me guide my sled?
That's how the police then found them
Wrapped around a maple tree
Teddy the red-nosed senator
He's a drunken S.O.B.


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## Tom Horn

Dear Dr. Verne:

I'm gonna be gittin' a tattoo removed from my most womanly bod. Being of the good r*dneck breeding that I'm is, I's worried about affectin' my good standing. I can offer you no better reason than my old man don't like me having my ex-old man's name writ on me, so I'ms getting rid of it.

Verne, please tell me straight: Am I getting woosified? Or should I replace the tattoo with his name?

– Worried in Little Rock

Dear Worried:

It all depends on which kinda tattoo you got. Now if you got the ex's name with the old rose on the ankle or the heart on the boob, Id lose the dang thing. Ever since them sorority chicks named Tiffany started doing it, guys might figure you's an inferior yuppie babe which talks in that high chipmunk voice and you'll never get to growing your butt out to a decent size.

But if you got one of them giant serpents that covers your back, that's class. I'd keep that baby and just cross out the ex's name with some spray paint and write the new guy in.

Now to take what you call your precautionary measures, I'd probably get your future tattoos with more commoner names, like Bob or John. If you ain't shacked up with no guy named Bob or John now, chances are you's gonna be in the future. This is what business guys call your strategic planning.

But say you happen to be a man who got this same problem. Good tattoos for guys is the old Semper Fi, the anchor, MOM, skull-and-crossbones or the phone number of your bail bondsman across your knuckles.

Stuff that ain't manly, and could dang well be classified as candy-as*ed, is the Superman logo, frat boy initials, cartoon guys, insects like butterflies that don't even bite nothin', and that danged barbed wire, which is usually weared by guys who bought their pecs at the fruity health club, instead of lifting railroad ties and eating meat.

Now if you's a guy who tattooed Cindy on his chest, but the new old lady Rhonda ain't cooking no more pot pies till you get her fixed, Id just pour gas on your chest and light her up with an arc welder. Girly guys might get some of what doctors call your discomfort, which is French for Holy $#%^ that hurts! But at least you'll be getting clean space to get a dragon that looks just like Rhonda. Plus you could tell chicks in bars you got them scars savin' babies from burning apartments.

Chicks always go for guys who got burned up savin' babies.

Dr. Verne.


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## Tom Horn

*Birthin' Babies*

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think its the light that's attractin' 'em?"


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## Tom Horn

Arkansas lottery winner.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Do you get it?


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## Tom Horn

For reals people.











The monsoon rains in Southern Arizona turn the Interstates into lakes and have been known to wash out major bridges.




> *August 11, 2004*
> A 60 mile per hour dust storm triggers a deadly crash on 1-10 near Tonopah. Sixteen semis, several cars and a passenger bus are involved. Drivers had been blinded by the storm. Five people are killed and dozens left injured.
> 
> *July 14, 2002*
> On this day, three severe weather events came together over Phoenix. First, the city felt the effects of a major haboob – a dust storm accompanied by 40-to-65 mile per hour straight line winds. In addition, a series of microbursts with winds in excess of 100 miles per hour hit Sky Harbor International Airport. That caused an estimated $70 million dollars in damage to buildings, aircraft and motor vehicles. Finally, flash flooding hit central Phoenix hard. While dust storms, microbursts, and flash floods frequently occur over southern Arizona during the monsoon, it’s rare to have them hit one relatively small area almost at once.
> 
> *July 14, 2001*
> This was the first major storm for this year. It caused one death and extensive property damage in Phoenix, Paradise Valley and Scottsdale. Extremely heavy rain trapped people in their cars and damaging microbursts knocked down trees and damaged many homes.
> 
> *August 12, 1997*
> A monsoon thunderstorm produced a flash flood in a slot canyon near Lake Powell on this day. Eleven hikers in the Antelope Canyon were swept to their deaths. Since the hikers were tourists from Europe, the story made international news. A camera recovered after the event revealed a 50-to-80 foot wall of water sweeping through the canyon.
> 
> *August 14, 1996*
> Runyan calls this the costliest storm in Arizona history. A severe thunderstorm and its accompanying downburst hit the northwest portion of the Phoenix metro area – ripping off tile roofs and causing $160 million in damage. An Arizona record wind gust of 115 miles per hour is recorded at the Deer Valley Airport. A few locations had to go without power for several days.
> 
> Top 5 Monsoon Storms


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## Tom Horn

Ahhh Arizona in the summertime.


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## Tom Horn

Men never do evil so cheerfully and so completely as when they do so from religious conviction.— Blaise Pascal


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## Tom Horn

*The difference between philosophy and theology:*

If you have an argument over philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw bombs.


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## Tom Horn

“A rabbit and and a priest walk into the bar. The bartender asks the rabbit ‘what’ll you have?’. The rabbit replies ‘I dunno, I’m only here because of autocorrect’”


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## Tom Horn

*A guy walks into a pet shop and starts eating all the parrot food.*

The cashier runs to the man and says: Hey, what do you think you're doing!
The man responds: Hey, what do you think you're doing!


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## Tom Horn

*A young vulture is tired of eating nothing but scavenged meat...*

So he says to his father, "Dad, can't we eat something else for a change? I'd like to try some vegetables."

The father is outraged, claiming that vultures do not eat vegetables, that is not their way. But the young vulture doesn't give up. He asks again the next day, and the next, and the next. Eventually the father relents, and agrees on a compromise. The young vulture could eat some vegetables, but only if he finished his meat first.

The following day, the young vulture asks what they will be eating that evening. The father replies, "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peas when you are done."


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## Tom Horn

*I put Red Bull in the hummingbird feeder.*

I'm pretty sure I just saw one go back in time...


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## Tom Horn

*Mom, Dad, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom........ I'm gay.*

Coming out is harder in a Fundamentalist Mormon family.


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## Tom Horn

*Is that your horse?*

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know.

You left your Innjun running!


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## Tom Horn

*Learn it by listening*

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy." Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction. "Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."


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## nchobbyfarm

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".


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## Tom Horn

*I have a question*

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater? "Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue? "Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? "The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."


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## Whoo

Tom Horn said:


> *A guy walks into a pet shop and starts eating all the parrot food.*
> 
> The cashier runs to the man and says: Hey, what do you think you're doing!
> The man responds: Hey, what do you think you're doing!


I must be tired because I laughed way to hard at this one! Thanks Tom Horn.


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## Tom Horn

*Adults have learned*

Great truths about life that adults have learned; raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. 

The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires. 

Families are like fudge mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. 

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 

My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. 

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.


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## Tom Horn

*Settling a cattle case*

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. 

The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" 

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."


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## Tom Horn




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## Evons hubby

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 98129


If it just had a little more *power!*


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## Tom Horn

Evons hubby said:


> If it just had a little more *power!*


Here, hold my beer.


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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"


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## Tom Horn

*Dealing with criminals*

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!

What did you do with them ?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."


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## Tom Horn

*Wife lends assistance*

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: 

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.


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## Tom Horn

*Getting a new deputy*

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Cletus - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Cletus, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow. "He was again surprised that Cletus supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Cletus, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln? "Cletus looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while? "So, Cletus wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Cletus was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"


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## Tom Horn

*Sobriety checkpoint*

Two r*dnecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!

We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK? said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

*How fast was I going?*

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."

"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."


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## Tom Horn

*Don't arrest the judge*

A squad car was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when the officer was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Irish Mike.

" 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."


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## Tom Horn

*Blonde avoiding trees*

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver." Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!

I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am.

.. that's your air freshener."


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## Tom Horn

*An FBI investigation*

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir. "The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"

"Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."


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## Tom Horn

*Police are in a chase*

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop? "The sergeant replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."


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## Tom Horn

*Dealing with trouble*

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini. "The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them? "Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."


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## Tom Horn

*Old Man On A Bench*

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves. 

"The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world! "So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"


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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Tom Horn

*An Easterner is visiting the West, and sees a man rounding up cattle on horseback.*

He's wearing a ball cap, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. When the rider gets closer the guy waves him down and asks, "Hey, are you a cowboy?" The cowboy answers," Yep, I sure am." The guy asks, "Where's your Stetson, belt buckle, and cowboy boots?" The cowboy answers, "I don't want people to think I'm a truck driver."


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## Tom Horn

*Little known fact #376: In Norway they have problems with herds of wild horses destroying the delicate eco systems around their narrow inlets.*

They plan to start exporting Fjord Mustangs.


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## Tom Horn

*The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats*

A young man, down on his luck, was hitch-hiking through the Midwest. A well-dressed man driving a Lincoln pulled up, lowered the passenger side window, and asked, “Do you vote Republican or Democrat?”

“Democrat,” said the hitch-hiker. And the Lincoln sped off in a cloud of dust.

The next car that pulled up was a Mercedes and the same question was asked. Once again the driver sped away, leaving him beside the road.

He plodded on until a beautiful woman stopped her Mustang GT and, predictably, asked about his politics.

In desperation the young man said, “I’m a Republican.”

The woman welcomed him aboard, and they sped off down the road.

She was gorgeous. She had the face of a goddess, eyes the color of the sea on a sunny day, golden hair, and legs so beautiful that he couldn’t take his eyes off them as her feet moved on the pedals.

They hadn’t gone very far when he said, “Stop the car. I want to walk.”

“Why?” she asked.

“I’ve been a Republican for ten minutes and already I want to screw somebody.”


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## Tom Horn

*My neighbor traded in his KIA yesterday.*

Sold his Soul for a Jeep.


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## GTX63




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## Tom Horn

*A woman calls the vet about her horse...*

when the vet diagnosis the horse he tells the women that the horse will need to be given 2 pills a day rectally. He takes a straw shows the lady how and tells her to try with the second pill.

The lady flips the straw around and delivers the pill while the vet is staring at her she says... "I'm not putting my mouth on the same end you did."


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## Tom Horn

*How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?*

Two. One to get on their high horse and the other to chastise them for oppressing the horse.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What’s the fastest land mammal?*

A toddler that has been asked what is in their mouth.


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## Tom Horn

*Bamboo*

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a pistol and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the panda at the door.

"Hey, you just shot my waiter!" screams the manager.

The panda replies "I'm a panda, it's what I do. Look it up."

As the panda walks out the door the manager runs to his office and looks up panda in the dictionary:

Panda – A mammal from the bear family with black and white markings originating from the continent of Asia.

Eats shoots and leaves.


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## Tom Horn

*A guy one day goes to a museum that has a dinosaur exhibit.*

He spends a few hours wandering around and admiring the skeletons of a variety of dinosaur species. At one point he stops in front of particular exhibit trying to get some sense of its actual size and age of this magnificent creature. He notices not too far from him a museum worker and says to him, "Quite a beast. I wonder how old it is."

The museum worker points to the dinosaur skeleton and says, "This one? This one is 70 million years and twelve months."

"Wow," the guy says. "That is pretty specific. How can they be that accurate?"

"Well," the museum worker replies. "This one was 70 million years old when I started working here, and that was a year ago."


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## Tom Horn

*A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar*

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.

The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Caused a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits." 

The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."

The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.

The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"


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## Tom Horn

*My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.*

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened to me."

"That's not what I mean dadgummit, go fetch me some toilet paper."


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## Tom Horn

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.

‟What’s wrong, dear?” He asks

Through her tears she says, ‟Will, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can not seem to figure it out! It is supposed to be a tiger.”

He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, ‟sweetheart, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.”


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## Tom Horn

*Old tribal wisdom says that...*

when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.


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## Tom Horn

*A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.*

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. 

Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."


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## Tom Horn

*I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun*

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.


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## Tom Horn

*Be wary of a Florida senior with a gun.*

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!


----------



## Tom Horn

*A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.*

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable environment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agency asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?"

"Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy."

"I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?"

"We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs."

"Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?"

"Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A wise old pirate captain has captured a group of merchant sailors, but he tells them that he will spare their lives if they can answer a question: What is a pirate's favorite letter?*

The first sailor, with a smug look on his face, haughtily walks up to the captain and says "Obviously it's RRRRRRR!". The captain slowly shakes his head and says "RRRRRR you kidding me?" before throwing the sailor overboard to the sharks. 

The second sailor, a little wary now but still feeling confident that he has the right answer, walks up and says "I-I cap'n!". The captain slowly shakes his head and says "I lost my eye long ago boy" before shooting him out of a cannon. 

A third sailor, now very wary, but seeing no way of escape, slowly walks up and says "Well cap'n, a pirate loves his treasure, and on his treasure maps it's an X that marks the spot." The captain considers this for a moment, then slowly shakes his head and says "That might be true boy, but my ex stole my treasure long ago" before skewering the sailor with his sword. 

Thinking for sure that no one must have the answer, the captain gives the signal for his crew to throw the rest of the sailors overboard and turns around to walk away. Suddenly, from the crowd, he hears a small voice cry out "Captain! Above all else, a pirate loves the C." With a grin on his face, the captain turns around and says "That's exactly right! But who said that?" 

Out of the crowd comes the young boy who was the cabin boy, who says "It was I, captain". Suddenly, a gunshot is heard and the boy falls over, dead. The captain, holding a smoking pistol says "No boy, not I! C! I just said that!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*NASA CHICKEN CANON*

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."


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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Tom Horn

*The Highschool Reunion*

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Highschool bully still takes my lunch money...*

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!


----------



## Tom Horn

*Did you know that Highschoolers can drink in Mississippi?*

I mean you can't stop them after they turn 21.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Everyone knows Frank. *

One day, Frank and Fred were chatting and Frank said ”Oh ya, I know everyone.” And Fred failed to believe him, so Fred replied “I don’t believe that you know EVERYONE. I’ll bet $100 you don’t know Mayor Marabell.” Upon hearing this, Frank replied “Oh ya! We went to Highschool together!“ 

Fred decided to go higher, “$1000 Says you don’t know the President.” He replied. Frank looked at him confused and said “Biden? Oh ya we went to college together and dated the same girl!” So they flew over and got through security no problem cuz, Everyone knew Frank! When they met the President he greeted Frank and Fred and they had a laugh. 

Now Fred was infuriated, he’d lost $1100 so he decided to go big. “I’ll bet $10,000 you don’t know the Pope himself!” He proclaimed proudly. Frank once more insisted upon knowing the man, so the flew over to meet the Pope. Upon arrival at Vatican City, they went to wait at the foot of the house to watch the Pope greet and bless the people below. Frank said “Ima head inside, you stay here because security is pretty tight. If I walk out with the Pope to bless the people would that convince you that I know him?“ Fred agreed and Frank went up to meet the Pope. After some time, Frank hadn’t come out so Fred was getting excited that he won the bet. Just then Frank and the Pope came out, arms around each other and waved to all the people below. As Fred watched in astonishment, the man behind him exclaimed “Whos the guy with Frank?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man and his son go to the Pharmacy*

While looking for his medicine the kid looks to a pack of condoms and asks his dad: Dad, what is this?

His dad replies: those are condoms son, people use them so they can safely have fun together, while under the blankets.

A few moments later the kid point to a pack of 3 condoms and asks: Dad what are those for?

His dad replies: those are for the Highschool folks, one to use on Friday, one to use on Saturday and one to use on Sunday.

The kid points to a pack of 6 and asks: and what are those for?

His dad replies: those are for college folks, 2 to use on Friday, 2 to use on Saturday and 2 to use on Sunday.

Later the kid points to a pack of 12 and asks: Dad, what are those for?

With a smile on his face his dad replies: those are for the married folks.

For which the kid replies: really dad?

His dad replies: Yes son, it's one to use in January, one to use in February, one to use in March....


----------



## Tom Horn

*Rags To Riches Success Story*

A real touching success story!

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"

The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"

The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

"What's your name? " asked the executive.

John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Department: Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly," answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members.

We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.

Mr. Smith began his story.

"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.

I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.

After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.

A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."


----------



## Tom Horn

*People in Asia hoarded rice, people in Europe hoarded flour, people in America hoarded toilet paper*

Conclusion: Americans eat toilet paper.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two Americans were backpacking in Europe*

when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in German:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists.

Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily.

The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language?” 

His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*In America we call people who marry their cousins Hillbillys*

In Europe they call them Royals


----------



## Tom Horn

*A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."*

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites.

The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me."

The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world."

Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. “

After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make the obvious choice...

She then chose the second guy, the one with the most money.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Alerts to Threats in Europe*

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Kick a*s.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought – ” Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.*

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."*

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver, and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Did you hear about new electric car from Germany?*

It’s called a Voltswagen.


----------



## Tom Horn

*There was a joke telling contest in Germany*

Nobody laughed, but it was very well organized.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A **British boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio:*

"WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!"

The German replies:

Vat are you sinking about?


----------



## Tom Horn

*Do you know what they call a bra in Germany?*

Kepzemfromfloppin


----------



## Tom Horn

*If the Great War was a bar fight*

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany complains to Britain that France has been staring at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop staring at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's eying Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate-glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France, and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault. While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Problem solving*

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

"I know," said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way." 

"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."

"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"


----------



## popscott

*I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window. 
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.
If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

Safe at last.*


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## popscott




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## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> *Problem solving*
> 
> A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.
> 
> "I know," said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and we'll be on our way."
> 
> "No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way."
> 
> "Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?"


And the superintendent said "Call a tow truck. They don't pay me to do physical work around here."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Bulgarian, an Arabian and a Hollander are sitting in a bar.*

First, the Bulgarian drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, grabs his pistol and shoots it in pieces.

"In Bulgaria, glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice."

Next, the Arabian drinks his strong liquor, throws his glass in the air, grabs his AK-47 and shoots it in pieces.

"In Arabia, we have a lot of sand. We can just make more glasses, so we don't have to drink out of the same glass twice."

Finally, the Hollander drinks his refreshing milk, throws his glass in the air, grabs his revolver, shoots the Bulgarian and the Arab, grabs his glass and asks for a refill.

"In the Netherlands, we have so many immigrants that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A religious gathering is tasked with changing a lightbulb.*

The Charismatic changes it easily; his hands are already up.

The Roman Catholic refuses; he prefers candles.

The Pentecostal changes it while his friends pray against the Lord of Darkness.

The Christian Scientist can't, but he prays for the light to turn back on.

The Calvinist refuses; God has predestined when the light will be on.

The Episcopalian changes the lightbulb while his friends say how much they liked the old one.

The Mormon tries to change it as five wives tell him how to do it right.

The Baptist changes the lightbulb, gets it approved by three committees, and then they all eat some casserole.

The Lutheran refuses: he doesn't believe in change.

The Unitarian chooses not to make a statement either in favor of, or against, the need for a lightbulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, you are encouraged to create a poem or modern dance about your personal relationship with the lightbulb, and present it next Sunday when we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, halogen, compact fluorescent, low-pressure sodium, and LED, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Did you hear about the Orthodox Jewish lawyer?*

He's available to help his clients 24/6


----------



## Tom Horn

*Husband: These orthodox shoes are great*

Wife: You mean "orthopedic" shoes

Husband: I stand corrected


----------



## Tom Horn

*Guy dies in a plane crash...*

and when he gets to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter looks his name up in the book.

"Ah, yes, here you are," Saint Peter says. "Says here you are Lutheran. Follow me."

Saint Peter leads the guy into Heaven and into a long, white corridor. Along the corridor are heavy wooden doors, all shut. Saint Peter motions for the guy to follow and they begin a walk along the corridor. As they pass the first door, the guy hears strange singing and organ music coming from behind it.

"What's in there?" the guy asks.

Saint Peter responds, "Those are the Greek Orthodox. Come along."

They walk further down the corridor and past the second door. Behind it, the guy hears lots of yells of, "Praise Jesus!" and "Amen!" in a chorus of voices.

"What's that one?" the guy asks Saint Peter.

"Southern Methodist. Come along, Lutheran is further down the hall."

As they approach the third door, Saint Peter turns to the guy and puts his finger over his lips and whispers. "Shhh... don't make a sound. Tiptoe and don't... say... anything." They carefully tiptoe past the third door without making a noise. When they are a good twenty feet further along, Saint Peter lets out a breath of relief and says, "Okay, we're good. We can keep going."

"What the heck was that?" the guy asks, worried.

Saint Peter says, "Those are the Church of Christ. They think they're the only ones up here."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Long term pain*

During a congress about health care, the speaker asks:

"which food causes extreme suffering, even after years of being eaten?"

After a long silence an elderly man raises his hand and replies "A WEDDING CAKE."


----------



## Tom Horn

* Indigestion...*

Three best friends worked in construction together on the same crew. They were working on the 20th floor of a building when they stopped for their lunch break. They sat on the edge of the building, legs dangling over the edge, enjoying the view as they ate their lunches.

Guido opened his lunch box and yelled in frustration, "Pasta! Pasta! Every day it's pasta! If I'ma get pasta in my lunch tomorrow, I'ma gonna jump!"

Jose then opened his lunch and exclaimed, "Tortillas!! Tortillas! Every day it's tortillas! If I get tortillas in my lunch tomorrow, I'm gonna jump, too!"

Then blonde Bob opened his lunch and said, "Bologna sandwich! Bologna sandwich! Every day it's a bologna sandwich! If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I'm jumping, too!"

The next day, they sit down on the edge of the building for lunch.

Guido opens his lunch box, sees pasta, and jumps to his death.

Jose opens his lunch box and sees tortillas and also jumps to his death.

Bob opens his, finds a bologna sandwich, and jumps to his death.

Since they were such close friends, their wives decide to have a joint funeral for them.

At the funeral, the wives are lamenting their loss. Guido's wife says, "If only I'd known, I would have packed something other than pasta in his lunch!" And she cries in anguish.

Jose's wife says, "If only I'd known, I would have packed something other than tortillas in his lunch!" And she cries hysterically.

Bob's wife just stands there, nodding her head. The other two wives look at her incredulously at her lack of emotion.

"Don't look at me," Bob's wife said. "He packed his own lunch."


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Tom Horn

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 98286


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## Tom Horn

A couple from New York moved to Florida in where they would walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The man and wife assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but they didn’t know for sure so they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

The husband hadn’t, and said so.

Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lay out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

He walked up the beach and met her at the road. “

Well? Is she selling drugs?” she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well? What is it, then? What does she do?” the wife fairly shrieked.

He smirked and said, “She sells ‘C’ cells down by the sea shore.”


----------



## Pony




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## Tom Horn

*An Italian Ma Ma*

Mrs. D'Angelo comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Ma Ma,

“I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Ma Ma which read:

Dear son,

"I'm not-a saying that-a you "do-a" sleep-a with Maria, and I'm not-a saying that-a you "do not" sleep-a with her. But-a the fact remains that-a if she was-a sleeping in her OWN bed-a, she-a would have found-a the sugar-a bowl by now."

Your loving Ma Ma.


----------



## Tom Horn

*To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.*

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"That's the manager." said the waiter.


----------



## Tom Horn

*General Electric's aircraft engine division was just purchased by the Italian airline, Alitalia*

The new company will be known as "Genitalia".


----------



## Tom Horn

*What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?*

Everyone I ask can't remember either.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I went to a fancy Italian restaurant but stormed out when I found bugs in my food.*

Turned out it was the anty pasto.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I went to a fancy Italian restaurant but stormed out when I found bugs in my food.*

Turned out it was the anty pasto.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?*

He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.


----------



## Tom Horn

*My Muslim friend doesn’t eat Italian sausage*

It’s not a religious thing, Isalamiphobia


----------



## po boy

Tweet of the Day


The Democrats who fled the Texas Senate to block a vote on ballot integrity--democracy!--can't be ridiculed enough. This is Caleb Hull's contribution from earlier today:The Texas Democrats came to DC with a case of Miller Lite and left with 6 cases of Corona— Caleb Hull (@CalebJHull) July 20, 2021




www.powerlineblog.com


----------



## Tom Horn

*A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman*

are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."

"I say it's art," decides the Italian. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."

"I disagree," announces the Frenchman. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."

All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Italian Boss’ sudden Inspection*

James gets a job at an Italian restaurant. He finds his boss to be extremely unsettling. He is old, very stern and demanding.

He takes the job anyway because he is desperate to make money.

One day, several strange men in suits walk in 5 minutes before closing time. Unlike anyone he’s ever seen in the area.

He goes to the back and tells his boss that he has some strange visitors.

The boss gets up and goes to greet them. He comes back 5 minutes later and James asks who they are.

“Inspectors. They have to be! Quick! I want you to call Mr. and Mrs. Fisher. The... how do you say... ”

“The cleaners?”

“Yes!”

So James calls them and they arrive in no time. They frantically start cleaning the kitchen in secrecy while the suited men order their meal.

The boss suddenly calls James over and says “They have ordered the number 22. We are understaffed. Go to the kitchen and help. I want them to see quick service!”

“Me? I’m not a cook!”, says James

“You are now” says the Boss.

He leans in toward James with a stone cold stare. And under his breath he mutters.

“If you don’t cook... you'll be sweeping with the Fishers”.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Redn*ck went shopping for his wife*

He left 4pm. It was already 10pm and he had not arrived yet, his wife was already walking around in circles, worried about her husband... 11pm, midnight... 1am, 2am... It was 4am when he finally arrived.

Really mad at him, she wants to know what has happened that took him so long, and he answered:

"Talitha, you won't believe me! I was there, at the shopping mall, coming back home at the escalator, when the power went off and I had to wait there, standing!"

She answered:

"My Goodness Jim Bob! You are so dumb! Why didn't you sit?!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*I have a friend who's half Mexican and half Jewish*

He's a janitor, but the building is his.


----------



## Tom Horn

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. 

On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?" 

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!" 

"Wow that's amazing!" Says the surprised wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!" "Well, I don't know how she was yesterday," he replied, "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst!"


----------



## Tom Horn

My wife drove our German car off the pier into the ocean. 

The next day I went diving to look for it. 

I got the Benz.


----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## Tom Horn

*I was telling my friends some statistics on how often different groups of people have sex.*

I was telling my friends some statistics on how often different groups of people have sex. I told them that I had heard Europeans had sex, on average, once a day. Then I told them that I had heard North Americans had sex, on average, twice a week. Finally I told them Asians had sex, on average, once every six months. These stats surprised my friends who had just now learned they were Asian.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I called up a hotel and the receptionist answered 'Hello, Best Western'...*

I replied 'True Grit, starring John Wayne.'


----------



## Tom Horn

*What happens when you play a country western song backwards?*

You get your dog back, you get your wife back, your family comes home, you get your truck back...


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Muslim hailed a London cab.*

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "in the time of the prophet there were no taxis either, so piss off and wait for a camel."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.*

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why does everybody hate America so much?*

Because America doesn't murder its critics.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Japanese couple is visiting America for the first time*

When they arrive at the airport, it's just past dawn. The girlfriend, who doesn't speak any English, says in her native tongue "Good morning!"*

To which the boyfriend tells her "No, babe, this is Nebraska."


*Ohayō


----------



## Tom Horn

*America is getting old*

it can't get a good election


----------



## Tom Horn

*In America police dogs are K9*

In China they are E10.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.*

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?’ Then she called his father and he also slapped him.

The next day when the teacher saw him with his face red and asked what happened, Mohammad said, ‘Madam, four hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Arabs'.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do you call a white drug abuser in the US?*

A politician


----------



## Tom Horn

*If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican*

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why can’t a girl living in America be buried in Canada?*

Because she is still alive


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why did the dyslexic association of America stop having their meetings at the YMCA?*

They all showed up at Macys.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left **smoldering** in a tree line that bordered a farm.*

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yup. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yup. "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Biden is dead!?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*So many items are no longer made in America..*

I just bought a new TV and the box said “built in antenna”...

I don’t even know where that is!


----------



## Tom Horn

*America...*

the only place where you can go to a World Championship game with only one nation competing against themselves


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.*

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where
you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one
says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they
have senior discounts."
"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try."


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

*In what California city did the Flintstones’ family pet forget to apply his sunblock?*

Sunburnadino


----------



## Tom Horn

*California scientists are studying the impact cannabis seeds from the farms are having on the local seabird population*

Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned


----------



## Tom Horn

*If a couple from Arkansas*

move to California and get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?


----------



## Tom Horn

One night Johnny Carson got to talking about his Nebraska roots and he told this alleged true story during a sketch scene. Johnny mentioned that the most fearsome Indian tribe were not the Sioux, nor the Apache or even the Comanche Indians. No they were the Fahkarwee tribe!

Johnny went on to explain,: Almost every wagon train that crossed the prairie on their trek to California were known to have their wagon masters and scouts constantly scanning the horizon ahead the entire trip asking, "Where the Fahkarwee?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”*

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”


----------



## Tom Horn

*What's the difference between California and the Titanic?*

When the Titanic sunk, the lights were on.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Blonde on an airplane*

A blonde boards an airplane heading from California to Texas. She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant taps her on the shoulder gently, and says, "Miss, your seat in is coach. I need you to move please." The blonde says, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and I deserve to sit in first class." The flight attendant tries to reason with the woman for a moment before getting frustrated and goes to tell the pilot. The co-pilot stands up and says, "Don't worry, I'll deal with this." He goes back to first class and tells the blonde, "Excuse me, Miss, but I need you to take your seat in coach." Again, the blonde replies with a hair flip, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and deserve to ride to Texas in first class." The co-pilot tries fruitlessly to reason with her and finally gets fed up and goes back to the cockpit. He tells the pilot what transpired and the pilot gets up to take care of the problem, saying, "Don't worry, my wife is blonde." Within 30 seconds of talking to her, the blonde gets wide eyes and grabs all her things to head back to her seat in coach. The flight attendant and co-pilot are shocked, they both ask, "What did you say to get her to move?!"

The pilot with a grin on his face, replies, "Easy, I told her that first class wasn't going to Texas."


----------



## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> *California scientists are studying the impact cannabis seeds from the farms are having on the local seabird population*
> 
> Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned


Paul Harvey fan huh?


----------



## Tom Horn

A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.64"

"What the hell did you sell?!?"

"First I sold him a bag of #8 fish hooks, then I sold him a bag of #1 fish hooks, then I sold him a set of lures. I then sold him a new fishing rod. After I asked where he was going fishing and he told me he was going to the coast, I told him he would be best off with a boat, so I brought him over to the sea craft department and sold him that 24' twin engine Yamaha. He was doubtful that his Silverado could manage it, so I took him down to automotive and got set him up with the 4x4 F350."

"A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"


----------



## Tom Horn

mreynolds said:


> Paul Harvey fan huh?


Actually yes,


----------



## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> Actually yes,


I remember hearing the Tern story (as told by him) as a teenager. I always wondered if it was true or he was making a joke. Never forgot it either. Reminds me of sitting on the porch with my grandparents as they listened to it every day.


----------



## mreynolds

"And now you know......the rest of the story."


----------



## Tom Horn

mreynolds said:


> I remember hearing the Tern story (as told by him) as a teenager. I always wondered if it was true or he was making a joke. Never forgot it either. Reminds me of sitting on the porch with my grandparents as they listened to it every day.


I remember coming in for lunch and listening to his program while we ate. 

I wish he was still on the air.


----------



## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> I remember coming in for lunch and listening to his program while we ate.
> 
> I wish he was still on the air.


Agree. He could make 3 or 4 generations listen at once. Fun times for everyone no matter who they voted for.


----------



## Tom Horn

mreynolds said:


> "And now you know......the rest of the story."


Hey, you might like this.


----------



## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> Hey, you might like this.


I love Spanish guitar.


----------



## Tom Horn

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee." 

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it." "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now." 

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung." 

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house." 

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you." "On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts." 

"Which one?" asked the doctor. "How am I supposed to know? All the bees look the same to me!"


----------



## whiterock

That was pretty. I, too, like Spanish/Mexican guitar. Long ago I had LPs of Spanish/Mexican guitar and would drive my wife half crazy playing them. I like to be in a TexMex place when some Mariachi bands come in to play. Takes me a lot longer to leave. There was a family 30 or so years ago about half a mile from me that had parties several times a year. I would go out on the porch and listen to that music till I got too tired to sit up or until they shut down. The neighbors behind them also had parties several times a year. Their taste ran to rock, I could feel that in my bed and often called the sheriff on them to turn down the volume. Even in the country there is a noise provision after a certain time at night.
The family with the Mex music still has a daughter living there. I see her often , and occasionally remind her of those warm nights when the pretty music drifted over our community.


----------



## Pony

*Decaffeinated coffee is like a hairless cat. *

*Yes, it exists, but that doesn't make it right. *


----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> *Decaffeinated coffee is like a hairless cat.
> 
> Yes, it exists, but that doesn't make it right. *


----------



## Tom Horn

whiterock said:


> That was pretty. I, too, like Spanish/Mexican guitar. Long ago I had LPs of Spanish/Mexican guitar and would drive my wife half crazy playing them. I like to be in a TexMex place when some Mariachi bands come in to play. Takes me a lot longer to leave. There was a family 30 or so years ago about half a mile from me that had parties several times a year. I would go out on the porch and listen to that music till I got too tired to sit up or until they shut down. The neighbors behind them also had parties several times a year. Their taste ran to rock, I could feel that in my bed and often called the sheriff on them to turn down the volume. Even in the country there is a noise provision after a certain time at night.
> The family with the Mex music still has a daughter living there. I see her often , and occasionally remind her of those warm nights when the pretty music drifted over our community.



Remember this?


----------



## whiterock

Oh heck yes! The ex hated Malaguena the most I think. Maybe because of the length. I request it sometimes from the bands in the restaurants. They get a pretty good tip from me too.


----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## RJ2019

I should know better than to read this thread at work🤣


----------



## Tom Horn

RJ2019 said:


> I should know better than to read this thread at work🤣


Sorry, couldn't help myself.


----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## TripleD

Tom Horn said:


> A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
> 
> The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio."
> 
> The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
> 
> His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down to see how things went.
> 
> "How many sales did you make today?"
> 
> The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
> 
> "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"
> 
> "$101,237.64"
> 
> "What the hell did you sell?!?"
> 
> "First I sold him a bag of #8 fish hooks, then I sold him a bag of #1 fish hooks, then I sold him a set of lures. I then sold him a new fishing rod. After I asked where he was going fishing and he told me he was going to the coast, I told him he would be best off with a boat, so I brought him over to the sea craft department and sold him that 24' twin engine Yamaha. He was doubtful that his Silverado could manage it, so I took him down to automotive and got set him up with the 4x4 F350."
> 
> "A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
> 
> "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"


Dad says now thats the best one!!! Keep it up 🙂


----------



## Tom Horn

*If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."*

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England*

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, How Come Fingers Don't Fing.

If The Plural Of Tooth Is Teeth

Shouldn't The Plural Of Phone Booth Be Phone Beeth

If The Teacher Taught,

Why Didn't The Preacher Praught.

If A Vegetarian Eats Vegetables

What The Heck Does A Humanitarian Eat!?

Why Do People Recite At A Play

Yet Play At A Recital?

Park On Driveways And

Drive On Parkways

How Can The Weather Be As Hot As Hell On One Day

And As Cold As Hell On Another

You Have To Marvel At The Unique Lunacy

Of A Language Where A House Can Burn Up As

It Burns Down

And In Which You Fill In A Form

By Filling It Out

And A Bell Is Only Heard Once It Goes!

English Was Invented By People, Not Computers

And It Reflects The Creativity Of The Human Race

(Which Of Course Isn't A Race At All)

That Is Why

When The Stars Are Out They Are Visible

But When The Lights Are Out They Are Invisible

And Why It Is That When I Wind Up My Watch

It Starts

But When I Wind Up This Poem

It Ends.


----------



## Tom Horn

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a few seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "Hey dear, don't get distracted!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*What did the Computer Science major say to the English major?*

Yeah I'll take a #3 with a small fry and a Dr. Pepper, and a #7, just the sandwich. Do you guys still have that smoky barbeque sauce or has it been discontinued?


----------



## Tom Horn

*An English Class*

Sentence: I live in Czechia.

"What is the verb in this sentence?"

"Umm... live?"

"Great, now how do we say this sentence in past tense?"

"Umm... I live in Czechoslovakia?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*I told my friend that I knew a famous constipated English detective.*

He said. “No sh*t Sherlock.”

I guess he knew him too.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English*

It's made up of two other parts.

1 - Poly - meaning many

2 - Ticks - blood sucking insects.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”*

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”

“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”

“Give me a day or two.”

With this they parted. Two days later the sufferer was handed a package with false teeth in it. He tried them and was astonished to find they were a great improvement but “a little on the tight side.”

Saying “Don’t worry, I’ll try again,” two days later he offered another set, but alas the reaction was “Much better, but rather on the loose side.”
“Ah, I think I’ve got it! Let me try just once more.”

Sure enough, two days later he handed over a set saying “I think these will really be just right.”

Putting them in, the sufferer was astonished to find they really were a very good fit. “Thank you so much. These are just right. You must be a wonderful dentist to be able to get false teeth to fit so well just by looking at them!”

Laughing modestly the man replied “Oh I’m not a dentist. I’m a funeral director.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Common English Mistakes*

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they're

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals


----------



## Tom Horn

*Did you hear about the English teacher who went to prison for so long she went through menopause?*

She was most upset that there would be no period at the end of her sentence.


----------



## Tom Horn

A blonde is driving home when she gets pulled over by a police officer.

"Ma,am, may I see you drivers license?!"

"What's a drivers license? "

"You know this thing in your purse with your face on it..."

She starts digging through her purse, finds her cosmetic mirror, and hands it over to the policeman.

The policeman takes a look at the mirror and responds-

"Should have told me right away you're a police officer too "


----------



## Tom Horn

*If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......*

I know the temptation is to ask, “with who?“

But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.

Instead ask, “with whom? “ It is important to speak proper English.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What core subjects do Missouri Ozarks students take?*

English, Science, Social Studies, and Methamatics

The Man Who Reinvented Meth


----------



## Tom Horn

*When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?"*

"Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"

She replied, "Just a riddle".


----------



## Tom Horn

*Interviewer: In which state were were you born?*

Me: Missouri.

I: What state are you in now?

M: Apathy.

I: That's not what I meant.

M: I don't care.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two men are driving through Arkansas*

when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hel* was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Arkansas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that Son-of-a-B*tch would've tried that sh*t with me!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas?*

They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.


----------



## no really




----------



## Tom Horn

*A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs.....*

...and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general.

..and all in the name of humor!”

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”


----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

*what is 40 feet long and only has 3 teeth?*

The funnel cake line at the Arkansas state fair.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man was diagnosed with cancer.*

Man: "Wow, Doc, how bad is it?"

Doctor: "Well, you're at the extreme end of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. You've only got about 3 months to live."

Man: "Oh no! Is there anything I can do?"

Doctor: "Well, I'd suggest moving to Arkansas and becoming a pig farmer."

Man: "Really? That would cure my cancer?"

Doctor: "Oh no, of course not. But it will be the longest three months of your life."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Mother of The Year*

So a reporter for The Kansas City Star goes all the way down into rural Arkansas to do a feature on a single mother with twelve sons.

As they sit on the porch sipping lemon tea and smoking Camels, the mother hears a shout. She yells, "Harold, you leave your brother alone!"

Then as a boy approaches from the road, she says, "Harold, fetch up some water for taters."

Then as the boy heads for the well, she calls into the house, "Harold, bring the gentlem'n more ice."

So the reporter asks, "You have three sons named Harold?"

"Oh, they alls named Harold. That-a-way I don't have to recollect any of their names. I just say 'Harold, do this, and Harold, do that'. It serves passable well, I reckon."

"But suppose you want one of them in particular?"

"Simple, I just calls them by their surname."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Carnation Milk*

65 Years Ago.

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around
her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk,
with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery
stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering
$5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With
'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself , I know everything there is to know
about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her
entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in
front of her house.

A large man got out, knocked on her door and said,
"Ma'am,.....The president of Carnation milk absolutely
LOVED your entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here
to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to
use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office
wall.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Exam for athletes*

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: *____*
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish

5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) NORTHerners

9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (Joe Biden)
*___*

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Wall Mart
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.

16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) Minnesota
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I was walking through Tennessee.*

and I came upon a cabin. There was a man sitting on the porch with a big jug in front of him. He called over to me, "Hey boy, get over here." Pointing to the jug, he asked, "You know what this is?" "I don't know." "It's moonshine you idiot. Why don't you take a drink?" "No thanks" I said. All of a sudden he pulled out a pistol and pointed it at me. "I told ya boy, take a drink!" 

Terrified, I took a drink. It was the worst thing I ever tasted. It burned going down, I though I was immediately going to die or throw up. "Rough, ain't it?" He said. Then he handed me the pistol. "Now you hold that pistol on me so I can take a drink."


----------



## Tom Horn

*When I was young man I met a girl in Tennessee turned out she was a moonshiners daughter. That was a long time ago..*

But I love her still.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Sugar Shorts . . .*

A group of Tennessee bikers were riding east on Highway 74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

Walter Hawk, their leader, a man of 63, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin’?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!”

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Walter also didn't want to miss this the "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ole Hawk here your best last kiss?”

So with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, Walter gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Small Collection of US State Jokes*

*Georgia*

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

*Louisiana*

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana..." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

*South Carolina*

A man in South Carolina has a flat tire, so he pulls off on the side of the road places a bouquet of flowers both in front of the car and behind it. Then he gets back in the car to wait. A passerby studies the scene as he drives by, and is so curious that he turns around and goes back. He asks the fellow what the problem was.

The man replies, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asks, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responds, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

*Tennessee*

A Tennessee State Trooper pulls over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replies, "Any ID 'bout whut?"

*Texas*

The Sheriff pulls up next to a Texan unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asks, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right there by the side of the road?"

"Yessir officer," the Texan replies. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here; 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "


----------



## TripleD

Tom Horn said:


> *Sugar Shorts . . .*
> 
> A group of Tennessee bikers were riding east on Highway 74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
> 
> Walter Hawk, their leader, a man of 63, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin’?"
> 
> She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!”
> 
> While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Walter also didn't want to miss this the "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ole Hawk here your best last kiss?”
> 
> So with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, Walter gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”
> 
> "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.”
> 
> It’s still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.


Too close to me 🥺. About 15 miles!?!


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."*

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.*

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add insult to the injury, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please take your picture and send the rest back."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The first Jewish President of the United States is elected*

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."

"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."

"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"

"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"

She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.

"Who was that?"

"My son."

_gasp_ "The doctor??"

"No, the other one."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Last week a young boy saved a priests life in the United States...*

... he discovered the priest had early stage testicular cancer...


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man calls up the White House and informs them he wants to be the next President of the United States*

The person answering the phone berates him: "Are you an idiot?"

The caller is silent for a while then answers: "Is it compulsory?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*The metric system isn't popular in the United States?*

Nonsense, just look how popular two-liter bottles and nine-millimeter bullets are.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?*

Detroit


----------



## Tom Horn

*Where's the best view of falling stars in Los Angeles?*

The Betty Ford Clinic


----------



## Tom Horn

*Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.*

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at the mall, go there. It’s open, you’re still in business. But nobody is there because they should stay home, but they’re here and they’re out.

And if you’re out, go home. But if you’re here, wear a mask when you’re out, but don’t go out.


----------



## Tom Horn

*In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world*

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon


----------



## Tom Horn

*Rich Lawyer on a plane next to philanthropist*

Rich lawyer is sitting in first class next to the head of a major charity organization.

Head of said charity takes the opportunity to introduce himself and the cause, but lawyer isn’t interested in giving. No surprise. He’s notoriously rich and not very friendly.

Finally, charity director confronts attorney. “Look we’ve asked you to attend our fundraisers for years, and you always refuse to donate a dime despite it being the paper that you are worth millions and have no kids. I also know you’ve turned down lots of other charities. Why don’t you just give something? It will help your image.”

Lawyer says: “So you know I have millions and you know I don’t donate... but do you also know that my brother is a completely disabled veteran?”

“Oh, sorry.” He apologizes quickly.

“And did you know my sister’s husband left and her house burned down so her and her kids are sharing an apartment.”

“Wow, I’m sorry. You’re right I had no idea.”

“And do you further know that my parents are elderly?”

“Look, I didn’t mean to-“

“So if I don’t give them any money, what I’m the heck makes you think I’d give some to you?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers.*

As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams."

The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy cause. I will donate a large sum of money toward this clinic of yours."

The engineer says "Couldn't these guys just play at night?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Three men bragging about their sons ....*

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in some time, gather at a bar to catch up. One man gets up to use the restroom, and the remaining three begin talking about their sons.

The first man says, "my son is my pride and joy, he started at the very bottom of a successful company, he studied hard, began to climb the corporate ladder, and is now the president of the company! He's so rich he bought his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday.

The second man says, "that's amazing! My son is also my pride and joy. He began working at for an airline company, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. He eventually became a partner of the company and now owns most of its assets. He's so rich, he bought he best friend a new jet for his birthday"

The third man says, "Well that's fantastic, my son is well off too. He studied at the best universities, became an engineer, then started his own construction company and is now a self made multimillionaire! He bought he best friend a 30,000 square foot mansion."

By this time, the fourth man came back from the bathroom and joined the conversation.
He said, "My son is gay, and makes a living stripping at a night club."

His friends reply, "that's awful! We're so sorry to hear that, how disappointing"

The man replies, "no I'm not ashamed, he's my son and I love him. Plus he's not doing too bad either. His birthday was recently and he received a 30,000 square foot mansion, a new jet, and a brand new Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Everyone thinks Goliath was this big, tough, Jew-bully.*

But really, he was a Gentile giant.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Rabbi's Blessing*

A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his shtreimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.

A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's head and blessed him.

The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing. The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could.
After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.

"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man. "I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat was running. The odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field."

"After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat.
An amazing thing happened.

The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths."

"You must have made a fortune," said the father. "Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better," replied the son.

"In the following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father.

"Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!"

"Are you telling me you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father.

"No," said the son.

"I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau, which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the money on Chateau. But the horse broke down and came in last."

"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau" you moron," said the father. "You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?"

The son answered, "A long shot from Japan named Yamulka."


----------



## Tom Horn

The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of.

Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.


----------



## Tom Horn

*During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”*

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. 
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”
The Episcopalians formed a procession and protested.
The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire. 
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Scientology is officially **recognized as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behavior.*

Whereas a religion…….


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why doesn’t scientology have any coal workers?*

because sects with miners is illegal


----------



## Tom Horn

*Did you hear about the Mormon cat with a speech impediment?*

He had nine wives.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why do you always invite two Mormons to a party?*

Because if you invite only one, he'll drink all the booze.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two Mormons knock on an old Englishman's door...*

The old man opens the door and smiles at the two fine gentlemen dressed in white dress shirts and black ties. They say, "Hello, we're with the church of Latter-day Saints and we're here to spread the gospel of God. Do you mind if we come in to speak with you?" The old man replies with a smile, "Sure! That sounds great, I'll go make some tea and crumpets. Please, take a seat in the living room." He goes into the kitchen and comes back after a few minutes with tea and crumpets which he gives to the men. He sits down and says, "I truly am fascinated by different religions. Now, what is it you fine boys wanted to tell me?" One Mormon nervously looks back at the old man and says, "I don't know, I've never gotten this far before!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Mormon?*

I have no idea but I can’t get him off my porch


----------



## Tom Horn

*THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...*

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!


----------



## Tom Horn

*Mormons believe...*

in wife after death.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why did the guy have to break up with his triplet Wiccan girlfriend?*

He couldn’t tell which witch was which.


----------



## Tom Horn

*My wife said I had to get more in touch with my feminine side.*

So I spent my afternoon crashing the car, burning the dinner and ignoring her all night for no reason.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Blonde Mortician*

A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.

The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.

The mortician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.

His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a signed, blank check and says, ‘Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.

She says to the mortician, ‘You have done a magnificent job and I’m very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?’

To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good…

So I just swapped their heads.


----------



## GTX63




----------



## mreynolds

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 98555


Love it.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

*Old and Pregnant?*

A 68 year old woman told her friend over a bingo game that she wanted to have a baby. Her friend, in reasonable disbelief, laughed at her.

The 68 year old woman retorted, "Well, I have the apparatus to and with today's technology, I can have a baby."

And she did just that. She got pregnant and had a baby boy. Her friend, shocked and sorry for mocking her, went over to visit. "I came over to see your baby with my own eyes because--I am sorry--but I have trouble believing it."

The now 69 year old woman replied, "Ok, just sit down, relax and have a cup of coffee."

Her friend confused asked, "Why?"

The 69 year old woman calmly responded, "Just wait til he cries."

Her friend impatiently asked, "Why can't you show me him now?!"

The 69 year old woman replied, "I don't remember where I put him."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Chinese take over the world, and start re-organizing the social structure...*

They decide that the best way to do things is to separate everyone by race, and keep all white people in Europe and North America, all Asian people in Asia, all black people in Africa, etc.

Now, of course, the issue is that race isn't such a cut-and-dry thing, so after sorting through the obvious cases, it comes time to figure out the bi-/multi-racial people. So, to start the process, they gather all of the black/white biracial people in New York in Yankee Stadium to sort through. The announcement goes over the loudspeakers:

"Everybody please remain in your seats so we can deal with you in a calm and orderly fashion. We will be sorting through each of you to determine whether you are ultimately black or white. If you are deemed black, you will be going to Africa with General Zheng-"

An older man dressed in military fatigues is shown smiling and waving on the Jumbotron.

"Whereas if you are white, you will stay here in North America, and you will be overseen by General Wong."

The Jumbotron again cuts to an older man in military fatigues, only this time he is screaming his head off at one of his assistants, who is cowering in fear. As he notices the camera is now on him, rather than smiling and waving like General Zheng, he gives a scowl to the crowd and resumes barking orders at his underlings.

Upon seeing this, one man in the crowd turns to his neighbor and says,

"If this is Wong, then I don't want to be white."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why does Mexico never win the Olympics?*

Because everyone there, who knows how to run, jump or swim is already in the US.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A woman is talking on her phone while waiting in line at the bank.*

After she gets off the call, the man behind her taps her on the shoulder and says, "I didn't want to interrupt your call, but next time you need to speak in English"

"Excuse me?" the woman replied.

"This is America," the man said, "We speak English in America. If you wanna speak Spanish, you can go back to Mexico."

"Sir, I was speaking Navajo, which was a language of this country long before you came here," the woman replied, "If you want to speak English, you can go back to England"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Government*

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 stimulus.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.

If we buy a computer it will go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it
will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on
prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced
in US.

I've been doing my part, and I thank you for your help,


----------



## Tom Horn

*My friend is always complaining about the Swedish car dealership he works at. Today I had enough and finally said I don’t want to hear anymore of your*

Saab stories


----------



## Tom Horn

*Costco Parking Lot Advice*

I noticed someone posted about a woman scamming people and it reminded me of a situation I had this afternoon at Costco.

There are these two beautiful Swedish twins that will offer you sex in the parking lot. While the one sister is working on you, the other will steal your wallet.

Now, I was able to get another 5 pack of wallets from inside Costco. But, they are now out of stock. Anyone know where I can get more?


----------



## Tom Horn

An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond one day when he came across a frog.

He reached down, picked the frog up, and started to put it in his pocket.

As he did so, the frog said, “Kiss me on the lips and I’ll turn into a beautiful farmers wife.”

The old farmer carried on putting the frog in his pocket.

The frog said, “Didn’t you hear what I said?”

The farmer looked at the frog and said, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”


----------



## Tom Horn

A farmer took his cross-eyed dog to the vet.

The vet picked the dog up to examine him and said, “Sorry, I’m going to have to put him down.”

The farmer said “Oh no! It’s not that bad is it?”

The vet said, “No, he’s just very heavy.”


----------



## Tom Horn

What did the farmer say when his fat pig wouldn’t fit into the pen?

“There’s more there than meets the sty.”


----------



## Tom Horn

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.

“Boy,” said the farmer, “that sure makes me want to do the same.”

“Well, go ahead,” said his girlfriend. “It’s your cow.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A blonde woman was taking a walk in the countryside one day. She was in a field when she noticed something that intrigued her.*

“Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” she asked the local farmer who just happened to appear at that time.

“Well,” said the farmer, “Cows can do damage with their horns so we usually dehorn them. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don’t have any horns at all.”

He then continued, “But this cow doesn’t have any horns because it’s a horse…”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two cows are standing in a field.*

The first cow looks at the other and says “What do you think about all this talk of mad cow disease?”

The second cow replies, “Why should I care, I’m a helicopter.”


----------



## Tom Horn

I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the ocean yelling “Help, shark! Help!”

I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.


----------



## Tom Horn

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra.


----------



## Tom Horn

A talking horse walks into a bar one day.

He goes up to the manager and asks him, “Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?”

The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, “Sorry, we’re not hiring. Why don’t you try the circus?”

The horse says, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”


----------



## nchobbyfarm




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Tom Horn

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 98599


It's funny 'cause it's true.

Sam's Club does that exact thing in order to compel you to walk around and hopefully impulse buy.

Oh, and it's MEMBERS, not customers and it's a CLUB, not a store.

Sheesh, if anyone made the misnomer mistake, management would pounce on them.

Probably still do.

Working for Walmart Corporation was like being one of the children of Israel in Egypt, making bricks with no straw.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!”

So I peed on it and said, “That’s for stinging my wife!”


----------



## Tom Horn

A guy is walking along the pier one day when he comes across an old man with his shoes off, trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an imaginary rod.

The guy’s confused so he asks, “What are you doing?”

The old man replies, “Fishing for idiots.”

“Sounds good,” says the guy. “Can I join you?”

The old man says, “Of course you can. Sit down here next to me, son.”

So the guy sits down and casts an imaginary rod out.

Then he asks the old man, “So, how many idiots have you caught today, then?”

The old man replies, “You’re the third this morning.”


----------



## Tom Horn

One day, Jim and Joe were out fishing when a funeral service passed over the bridge they were fishing by.

Jim took off his hat and put it over his heart until the funeral service had passed by.

Joe said “Gee Jim, I didn’t know you had it in you!”

Jim replied, “It’s the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years.”


----------



## Tom Horn

A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.

As he does so, a loud voice from above says, “There are no fish down there.”

So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.

As he peers into it he again hears a voice say, “There’s no fish down there.”

So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.

Once again the voice says, “There’s no fish down there.”

The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks, “God, is that you?”

“No, you idiot,” says the voice. “It’s the rink manager.”


----------



## Tom Horn

My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.

It used to be a dolphin.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man walks into a bar with an alligator.*

He asks the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

The bartender replies, “Yes, of course.”

The man says, “Great, I’ll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator.”


----------



## Tom Horn

An elephant was drinking out of the river one day when he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.

The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, “Why did you do that?”

The elephant replied, “Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago.”

The giraffe said, “Wow, what a memory you’ve got!”

“Yes,” said the elephant, proudly. “Turtle recall.”


----------



## Tom Horn

Only in math can you buy sixty cantaloupes and no one asks what the hell is wrong with you.

Charles M. Schulz


----------



## GTX63




----------



## mreynolds

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 98618


They need to put this guy on _*Jerry Springer*_.


----------



## 67drake

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 98618


I have more questions than answers, but really not sure I want to know ANY more details of this.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk

FB posting..............


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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## 67drake

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 98636


Reminds me of this video, except for it’s a bear he hits. “ I’m going to go home and smoke a big…..Oh my god!


----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld

67drake said:


> Reminds me of this video, except for it’s a bear he hits. “ I’m going to go home and smoke a big…..Oh my god!


Probably needs one after that!


----------



## kinderfeld




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## kinderfeld




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## kinderfeld




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## nchobbyfarm

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo)? Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.


----------



## Tom Horn

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.

Albert Einstein


----------



## Tom Horn

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

_Will Ferrell_


----------



## Tom Horn

*Pick Up Lines*

These actually have been proven to work.

Yeah, all the chicks dig them.

1.) You’re hotter than the bottom of my laptop. 

2.) I would flirt with you, but I’d rather seduce you with my awkwardness. 

3.) Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 

4.) Hi, I’m doing a survey… What’s your name? What’s your phone number? Are you free next Saturday?

5.) I think there’s something wrong with my phone. Could you try calling it for me to see if it rings? 

6.) What do I have to do to get on your drunk dial list? 

7.) You’re hot, I’m ugly. Let’s make average babies. 

8.) Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van. 

9.) Do you know what this shirt is made of? Boyfriend material 

10.) (Lick finger and wipe on girl’s shirt) Right, let’s get you out of those wet clothes. 

11.) Do you want to go and do what I’m going to tell my friends we did anyway?


----------



## Tom Horn

*Speeding Motorist*

Late one night this guy is speeding down the empty road. A cop sees him go flying past so chases him and pulls him over. The cop goes up to the car and when the man rolls down the window, he asks, “Are you aware of how fast you were going, sir?”

The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The cop looks at him disbelievingly and asks him, “Were you the one being robbed, sir?”

The man casually replies, “Oh no, I was the one who committed the robbery. I was escaping.”

The cop is shocked and surprised that the man has admitted this so freely. He says, “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”

“Oh yes,” replies the man calmly. “I have all the loot in the back.”

The cop is now starting to get angry and says, “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me” as he reaches into the window to take the car keys out of the ignition.

The man shouts, “Don’t do that! I’m afraid that you’ll find the gun in my glove compartment!” At this the cop pulls his hand out of the window and says, “Wait here” as he returns to his car and calls for backup.

Soon there are cars, cops and helicopters all over, everywhere you look. The man is quickly dragged out of his car, handcuffed and taken towards a cop car.

However, just before he is put in the car and taken away a cop walks up to him and says, while pointing at the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer tells us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we didn’t find any of these things in your car.”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Driving Test*

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his Dad if he could start using the family car.

The Dad said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, the Dad said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

His Dad replied, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Man With The Ostrich*

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.40 please.”

The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich return to the same restaurant and the guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?”

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad”, says the guy.

“Me too,” says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $42.62.”

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the guy.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The guy sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”


----------



## Tom Horn

A devout Christian guy went to a remote island to work as a missionary but was captured by a tribe of cannibals who cooked and ate him.

He was very tender and tasty, but they were all suddenly violently sick afterwards.

Which just goes to show that you can’t keep a good man down.


----------



## Tom Horn

A doctor had a regular habit of stopping off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home every evening. The bartender learned his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as five o’clock approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.

Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “It’s a hickory daiquiri doc.”


----------



## Tom Horn

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.


----------



## Tom Horn

A boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man eventually asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but the store manager turned down his request saying, “Sorry, kid, but baggers can’t be juicers.”


----------



## Tom Horn

I like to tell Dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.

I’m a faux pa.


----------



## Tom Horn

When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

When does the punchline become apparent?

After the delivery.


----------



## 67drake

Tom Horn said:


> When does a joke become a Dad joke?
> 
> When the punchline becomes apparent.
> 
> When does the punchline become apparent?
> 
> After the delivery.


Not funny, but clever.


----------



## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> Not funny, but clever.


Dad jokes aren't supposed to be funny, they're supposed to be painful.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Guy robs a bank...*

While holding all of the customers hostage, he asks one guy, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer says that he did and the robber shoots him in the head.

He then asks another customer, "Did you see me rob this bank?" and the guy says, "No, but my wife did."


----------



## Tom Horn

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.

He looked like he was running out of womb in there.


----------



## Tom Horn

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.

I watched it all unfold.


----------



## Tom Horn

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, “Remember these two words. They’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”

“Push and pull.”


----------



## Tom Horn

I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.”

“Which doctor?” she asked.

“No, the regular kind.”


----------



## Tom Horn

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”

The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”


----------



## Tom Horn

My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.


----------



## Tom Horn

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."

The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."

The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"


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## Tom Horn

*I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said*

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."


----------



## Tom Horn

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”


----------



## Tom Horn

My grief counsellor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn’t care.


----------



## Tom Horn

My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

I said, “Usually an overdose, son.”


----------



## Tom Horn

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”


----------



## Tom Horn

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.


----------



## Tom Horn

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.


----------



## Tom Horn

How are hamsters like cigarettes?

They’re completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.


----------



## Tom Horn

An eagle and a squirrel are sitting in a tree watching a farmer plow his field.

The squirrel turns to the eagle but doesn’t say anything because squirrels can’t talk.

The eagle then eats the squirrel because he’s a bird of prey.


----------



## Tom Horn

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

Because there are more geese in that line.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Dad, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!*

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.

I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.

"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Dad, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."


----------



## Tom Horn

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to the class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling!'" 

The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and answered, "I think he said, 'Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Department of Transportation worker told his boss*

"Boss, the shovel broke ! What should I do now?" to which the boss replies "We're out of shovels. Go lean on something else !"
.......

Did you hear the Department of Transportation is laying off thousands of workers? They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

.....

*Minnesota has 4 seasons*

Almost winter, winter, almost summer, and road construction.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two Chinese guys rob a brewery. The one asks the other, "Is this whiskey?"*

The other man replies, "Not as whiskey as whobbing a bank."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Free man*

A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.

As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"

And the husband replies:

"Well, my love, what are you going to do?"

"Oh, Roger ...! I spoke to the judge handling your case,"

"And what did he say, my love?"

"He told me that for every time I make love with him, he will reduce your prison sentence by one year ..."

"What !!! What a miserable bastard and what did you say to that SOB? "

" Oh, Roger! We'll talk about it at home, pick up your stuff, let's go… !!! "


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

*Anheuser Busch is using a Georgia brewery to can water for flood victims*

They're labeling very clearly so people don't confuse it with Bud Light


----------



## Tom Horn

I went hiking with my girlfriend at the weekend when suddenly this huge brown bear came charging at us.

It was really mad. We must have come close to her cubs and she was protecting them, or something.

Luckily, I had my gun with me.

One shot to my girlfriend’s kneecap was all it took. 

I was able to walk away at a comfortable pace.


----------



## Tom Horn

What are the best things about having about having Alzheimer’s?

You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents.

Plus, you’re constantly making new friends.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Pakistani living in Canada*

A Pakistani who had recently moved to Canada had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human feces and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. 

Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.

Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed" I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."


----------



## Tom Horn

*How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?*

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.


----------



## Tom Horn

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and fixtures set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some dumb tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?' One of the Englishmen replied sarcastically, "We're selling idiots." Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'Well you're doing well then, aren’t you...only two left!'


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn

What has four legs and one arm?

A Dobermann in a playground.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

Somebody doesn't care for Frosty's


----------



## Tom Horn

Business must have taken a hit in 2020.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## whiterock

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 98796


With me it was a Royal Crown Cola at the country store.


----------



## nchobbyfarm

whiterock said:


> With me it was a Royal Crown Cola at the country store.


It was RC for us at the barn in the morning and an ice cold coke with peanuts inside at quitting time.

But the sentiment still holds with pepsi.....


----------



## mreynolds

whiterock said:


> With me it was a Royal Crown Cola at the country store.


RC Cola and a moon pie. 

Never liked Moon pies though.


----------



## mreynolds

nchobbyfarm said:


> It was RC for us at the barn in the morning and an ice cold coke with peanuts inside at quitting time.
> 
> But the sentiment still holds with pepsi.....


The new generation?


----------



## Tom Horn

*I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland.*

And then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva...


----------



## Tom Horn

*An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent* 

for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommend any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the room.

The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel". The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with her room.

Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.

The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.

Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,

Sincerely, The Schoolmaster


----------



## Tom Horn

*A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest seated beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"*

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, father, no one will question you."

When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*During the First World War, Switzerland was the coat hanger of the other fighting countries,*

When war ended, Switzerland gave the coats back ...

But without the wallets


----------



## Tom Horn

*My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...*

Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"

He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Perceptions vary*

Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, the passengers heard two things - a kiss and a slap. Everyone on board had his or her own outlook of what happened. 

For example . . .

The young lady assumed to herself, "While I'm flattered that the handsome lieutenant kissed me, I'm embarrassed that my grandmother slapped him."

The grandmother supposed, "I'm disappointed with the lieutenant, but I'm proud that my granddaughter had the courage to hit him."

The general thought, "What in the world . . . why did my lieutenant kiss that civilian young lady and why did she slap me by mistake?"

The lieutenant was the only person on that train who really knew what happened. In that brief period of total darkness, he had the opportunity to kiss an attractive young lady, as well as slap a general.


----------



## whiterock

Ever have a banana moon pie?


----------



## mreynolds

whiterock said:


> Ever have a banana moon pie?


Yes and they weren't bad. Just not my thing I guess.


----------



## backwoodsman7

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What'll you have?"
The rabbit says, "I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect."


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do you call glass cookware from Jamaica?'*

Pyrex of the Caribbean


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## popscott




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn

*I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.*

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.


----------



## Tom Horn

*You're in Africa, a Lion and a Jaguar are in front of you, but your pistol only has one round left. What do you do?*

Shoot the Lion, get in the Jaguar and drive away.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I have a child in Africa that I feed*

That I clothe

that I educate

That I inoculate

All for $5 a day


Which is a lot less than it cost to send him there


----------



## Tom Horn

*A group of charity workers are sent to **Africa** to see how their program is working.*

They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"


----------



## Tom Horn

*I was on a safari in Africa when I saw two male lions having sex with each other in the open.*

I thought to myself, “Have they no pride?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man is on a photo safari in Africa.*

He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trunk, slams him on the pavement and then stomps the life out of him.

Different elephant.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans*

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go eat the human the first time?"

Dad replies "Well, you can but why would you want to eat him when he's still full of sh*t?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*If you had to spend the rest of your (human) lifespan as an invertebrate, which would you be?*

Me, a politician.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year*

when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do sperm and lawyers have in common?*

1 in 50,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being


----------



## Tom Horn

*A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.*

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions' den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the **** up right now or you're going to get us both fired."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Devils goes to Church*

The devil went to church one day and upon seeing his red skin, big horns and cloven feet, all of the people ran from the building in terror. All except for one old man near the front. He didn't even budge. The devil was intrigued by the man's apparent disinterest in his hideous appearance. So he strode down the aisle to where the old man sat.

In a loud voice the devil said, "PUNY HUMAN, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" Without glancing up the man said, "I'd guess you'd be the devil?"
"I AM LUCIFER, MASTER OF THE SEVEN CIRCLE OF HELL! DO YOU NOT FEAR ME?"
"Nope."

"DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I COULD FORCE YOU TO ENDURE TORMENT AND AGONY THAT WOULD GO ON FOR YEARS?
"I suppose you could."
"AND THIS PROSPECT DOESN'T FRIGHTEN YOU?"
"Not really, no"

The devil was so surprised that for a moment he forgot to act scary, "I must admit I'm confused, no one has ever been so calm in the face of such power before. I must know what your secret is!"

Finally looking up, the old man looks the devil in the eyes and says, "Well... I've been married to your sister for 35 years...."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The one rat asked the other rat if he’s had the vaccine?*

Nope, they’re still testing it on humans

Let’s see how that goes


----------



## Tom Horn

*I bumped into a guy in a supermarket yesterday.*

He cursed me and told me not to walk like an idiot.

I told him,” I’m sorry, but I haven’t possessed a human body in a long time.”

The look on his face was priceless.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What came before the chimpanzees?*

The Chimpan-Ys.


----------



## Tom Horn

*One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...*

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother."


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## mnn2501




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## mreynolds

mnn2501 said:


> View attachment 98896
> View attachment 98896


I knew a man like that when I was a teenager. I always thought he was 100 years old until I got older and found out he was in his forties.


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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn

*In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". *

FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washington appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's dreams.

The politician asks "What can I do to make America great again?"

Abraham looks at the politician, scratches his beard, and takes a while to answer.

When he does, he says:

"Visit a theatre"


----------



## Tom Horn

*It was Tracy's first day at the aviary*

And she was put in charge of the cassowary enclosure. She only looked away for a second, but that was enough time for one of them to escape! Tracy looked back and saw a flurry of wings and feathers as the great beast fled the area. She chased after it and heard in the distance a great commotion and the sound of terrified screams. She approached the scene and with horror observed two men, bloodied and mangled.

Tracy's manager came running up to her and witnessed the massacre.

"Do you have any idea who these men are? That one there is Keith Richards," yelled the manager, "and that one there is (His first name is spelled the same as an Irish racial slur so the woke nanny correct/auto censor does not allow it to be spelled out.) Mik Jagger!"

"Tracy, you've killed two Stones with one bird!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" *

I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*We all remember Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone...*

But no one ever remembers Alexander Graham Kowalczyk, the first telephone pole.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Does anyone know where to find about 454 graham crackers?*

I'm making a pound cake for dessert


----------



## Tom Horn

*Chuck Norris Compilation*

Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it...

Chuck Norris can sit at the corner of a round table

Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. 

Chuck Norris did 5 successful suicide bomb missions

Chuck Norris can in fact eat water.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

Chuck Norris can hi-five himself with one hand.

Once Chuck Norris and time had a race. The time is still running.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The bee sting*

A young women had been taking golf lessons .

She had just started her first round of golf where she suffered a bee sting

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into to the clubhouse and asked , "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

'I was stung by a bee, ' She said.

'Where?' He asked.

'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then you feet were too far apart.'


----------



## Tom Horn

*New weights and measures*

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision


----------



## Tom Horn

*What's an English teacher's **favorite** cereal?*

Synonym Grahams


----------



## Tom Horn

*I went to a barbeque food truck with a silver dollar.*

I handed it to the lady and said, "Could I get some fries for this?"

"Sure, but what else do you want?" Confused, I said "Well, just the fries. This is all I have." She seemed slightly annoyed, "Ok, sir... But would you prefer a baked potato, green beans, cornbread or mac and cheese to go alongside it? Everyone knows there's two sides to every coin."


----------



## Tom Horn

*I’m getting one of the first Covid shots*

I got chosen to receive one of the first Covid vaccination shots. Since I’m 78yo old Vietnam veteran. I said, "Can I get it in my left arm". They said sure. I said “Well good, it got blown off in Vietnam in 68, can you bring me back my West Point ring while your over there?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Back in Vietnam*

A man sees husband and wife walking, the man is on the front with a bike and behind him comes the wife pulling wagons with all of their belongings.

The man asks the husband, why this way.

The man replies: "tradition"

The next day the man sees this couple again walking down the road. But this time the man is walking behind the wife

The man asks: "What happened to tradition?"

"Landmines" husband replies


----------



## Tom Horn

*Vietnam*

Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog sh*t, 20 feet back."


----------



## Tom Horn

*People in Saudi Arabia don't like the Flintstones*

But people in Abu Dhabi do


----------



## Tom Horn

*As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"*

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?


----------



## Tom Horn

*A reporter was interviewing members of the Army, Navy and Air Force in Afghanistan...*

He asked them what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent.

The soldier said "I would leap on it and kill it with my bayonet."

The sailor said "I would crush it to death with one of my sea-boots."

The pilot said "I would call reception and ask them why there was a tent in my room."


----------



## Tom Horn

*What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp?*

Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:*

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.


----------



## Tom Horn

*After the Little Rascals Buckwheat converted to Islam...*

He is now known as Kareem of Wheat


----------



## Tom Horn

*A woman converting to Islam*

is like a black person converting to slavery.


----------



## Tom Horn

*In Buddhism, people first die, then they attain Nirvana.*

..Kurt Cobain did it the other way round.


----------



## Tom Horn

*An old Jewish man dies.*

His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.

He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tells him they require minimum of 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale".


----------



## Tom Horn

*The only cow in a small Russian village stopped giving milk..*

..so the villagers went to Minsk and bought a new one. The cow produced lots of milk, and the people were so happy, they decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. But the cow wanted nothing to do with the bull, constantly moving away every time Ferdinand approached. So the people asked their wise rabbi what to do.

After some reflection, the rabbi asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"You are truly wise," said the townspeople. "How did you know?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "Because my wife is from Minsk."


----------



## Tom Horn

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.


----------



## Tom Horn

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."


----------



## Tom Horn

There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is renowned for producing fine stationery. Anyway, Munich had a problem -- the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and overrunning the city. So the people of Munich banded together and ran the dogs out of the city. Unfortunately, the dogs appeared in Pfilzerplatz. The dogs took over everything, and the mayor decided to evacuate the town. The paper mills were shut down, and everyone left.

But a couple days later, the townsfolk, watching their town from the hills, saw smoke rising from the smokestacks. They knew no humans were left in the town, so they concluded that the dogs had learned to operate the factories.

The mayor hurried to Munich's town hall and pleaded, "You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"


----------



## Tom Horn

Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film _Evita_. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."


----------



## Tom Horn

Veteran Pillsbury spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, and Betty Crocker. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


----------



## Tom Horn

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. Soon the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why," one asked.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


----------



## Tom Horn

A three-legged dog hobbled into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


----------



## Tom Horn

A man visited his doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checked him out and gave him some bad news. "There are two things wrong with you," he said. "You have cancer and Alzheimer's."

"Well," said the man, "at least I don't have cancer."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Wives are like grenades*

Pull the ring and the house is gone


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two Blond men find three grenades*

They talk about it and decide to take them to a police station. On the way there one asks:

What happens if one of them explodes?

The other one replied:
We’ll just tell them we found two.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What’s the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?*

One shoots but doesn’t hit and the other hoots but doesn’t sh*t.


----------



## Tom Horn

*So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...*

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?*

Sorry


----------



## Tom Horn

*My grandparents fought during World War II.*

They ended up getting a divorce.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The main goal of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union...*

was to make sure the line for Lenin's Mausoleum was longer than the line for bread.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What were Julius Caesar's dying words?*

name... a salad.... after me...ahhh


----------



## Tom Horn

*A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler*

so I coughed directly in his mouth


----------



## Tom Horn

*I got pulled over for speeding today and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?"*

He chuckled, "Just hold on to it and when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Hell is now open to tourists.*

They first visit the Hall of the greatest criminals. The criminals are standing in blood.

Hitler is waist-deep in blood, his gaze angry, his mouth shouting something that tourists do not hear.

Stalin stands to Hitler’s left, silent, with a sardonic smile on his lips, blood reaching to the middle of his boots.

Tourist (astonished): Please tell me why Hitler is buried so much deeper than Stalin? Did he spill so much more blood?

Guide: Ah, I will have to tell the administration. Stalin cheated again!

Tourist: How does he cheat?

Guide: He always climbs on Lenin’s shoulders!


----------



## Tom Horn

*Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?*

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."


----------



## Tom Horn

*I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job...*

...but when I got home, all the signs were there.


----------



## Tom Horn

I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife’s killer, but no one will do it.


----------



## Tom Horn

I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Blonde Nun*

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it.... Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."


----------



## Tom Horn

*An Irishman’s daughter had not been home for over five years. *

Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us at all? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute." "Ye what!!? Get out, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace!" "OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a 10 bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the brand new Mercedes convertible that's parked outside, a membership to the country club, an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and a new..." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. The girl, crying again, "A prostitute! "Oh! Ye scared me to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.*

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him $300 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets $250 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about $50 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man walks into an LGBTQ **center**.*

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"

The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

"You can't say that to me!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## popscott




----------



## popscott

A must watch..


----------



## popscott

sneaky...


----------



## Tom Horn

.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy

Not exactly funny, but true.


----------



## nchobbyfarm

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.

Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.

With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.

After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!

His wife smiled ...

Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."


----------



## Tom Horn

*U.S. Navy Seals just freed thousands of ISIS sex slaves ...*

All the goats have been moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their respective farmers.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A dying grandma tells her grandchild....*

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."


----------



## Tom Horn

*What member of the erinaceidae family helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?*

A hedgehog


----------



## Tom Horn

*I just found out that Santa Clause raises livestock in the Christmas off season...*

I guess you could call him the Jolly Rancher


----------



## Tom Horn

What did the stallion say to the mare after they had their second accidental baby?

Foal me once, shame on you, foal me twice, shame on me.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man walks up to a counter and says . . .*

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbasa sandwich and a beer."

"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."

The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbasa sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"

"Well-"

"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."

If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."

"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbasa sandwich and a beer?"

"Well . . . this is a hardware store."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved themselves for marriage*

The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"


----------



## Tom Horn

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn, & a jumbo sausage. A homeless guy sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.'

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef. how about a cow with three legs? lean beef. But what do you call a cow with 2 legs?*

your mom.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What is a vegans worst fear?*

Laryngitis.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Vegans*

are confusing people. If they care about animals so much, why do they keep eating all of their food?


----------



## Tom Horn

*If vegans are so smart...*

Then why do we call brain-dead people vegetables?


----------



## Tom Horn

*I encountered a milf at a bar last night*

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys

opened her door

turned on the light

and then she yells upstairs

"Mom, are you still awake？


----------



## Tom Horn

*My manly password*

My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.

Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:

"Error. Not long enough."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Big boobs*

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I figured it was time to get out of the house. My neighbor with the big boobs has been gardening topless all afternoon," the guy tells the bartender. "That doesn't sound too bad," the bartender laughs. "Well it wouldn't be if his wife would try it occasionally," the guy replies.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

*How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?*

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What's** yellow and lives off dead **Beatles**?*

Yoko Ono


----------



## Tom Horn

*If The Beatles were from Hawaii...*

What would they have called their song, "Hello Goodbye?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Wild little old ladies.*

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ....so we're just waiting.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two policemen are walking down the street in Washington DC...*

...when they spot a guy standing next to the Capitol Building holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".


----------



## Tom Horn

*The year is 2089. All policemen have been replaced by genetically modified dogs.*

The amount of people killed by police yearly went down 90% and a recent poll that asked "Do you like the police?" showed that public opinion of the force went up 64%.

How was this accomplished?

Dogs are colorblind.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Fatherhood*

A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I'll tell you in nine months'.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Recently divorced Marine sniper slapped with a 1500 yard restraining order.*

He is now struggling to understand the distance that has become between them, as well as windage.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I have a vegan girlfriend...*

and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot


----------



## Tom Horn

*Veganism is like Communism*

They are both fine, unless you like food


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why is veganism like being a registered sex offender?*

You have to inform everyone when you first meet them.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Found a loophole in veganism*

Eating meat from an animal that was in a coma is perfectly vegan because the animal is technically a vegetable.


----------



## Tom Horn

*After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia*

... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...*

...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.

"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.

Stalin lit his pipe and replied:

"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...*

Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.

"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.

"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."

"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."

"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"

"Three prison camps so far."


----------



## Tom Horn

*One Billion *

According to a recent government publication ...

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Clinton on the Titanic*

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

Nixon goes: "Screw the women!"

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time!?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*What's a Racist, Homophobe, Sexist, Bigot, or Hater?*

Anyone winning an argument with a liberal.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Haters are like crickets*

You can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What is the difference between a Cadillac and five dead Asian hookers?*

I don't have a Cadillac in my garage


----------



## Tom Horn

*Lawyers and Prostitutes*

If a solicitor engages in solicitation and a prostitute engages in prostitution, then why do prostitutes get booked for solicitation and solicitors get paid to screw people?


----------



## Tom Horn

*Doing it the Jewish way*

A man goes to the door of a cathouse and asks the madam if any of the girls know how to do it the Jewish way. The madam thinks he is joking and slams the door in his face. This happens several times, until finally a girl overhears him, asking the madam and says, "Wait a minute, I've never tried it the Jewish way. I'll do it for nothing." The man says "See, you're catching on already!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*For all the ladies that put their man in the doghouse...*

They will soon find him in the cathouse.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do the Minnesota Vikings and a car in the junk yard have in common?*

Neither one has a title


----------



## Tom Horn

Olley's on his deathbed and tells his wife to come closer. 

"Marry Sven" he gasps. 

"But honey I thought you hated, Sven?"

"I do."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Yesterday I met a Chinese guy named Giuseppe Giardisi...*

When asked if he was adopted, the man replied,

"No. I was queued up at Ellis Island when they called the man ahead of me. 'What's your name,' the man asked him. 'Giuseppe Giardisi,' he replied. I was next and when they asked my name, I told them, 'Sam Ting'. 'Welcome to America, Giuseppe,' the immigration officer replied as he stamped my papers."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The most famous person in the history of the world*

The teacher addressed his class, "I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."

An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "St. Patrick."

"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."

Then a French boy raised his hand and said, "Napoleon."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered, "Jesus Christ."

"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said, "You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."

"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Paddy and Mick are walking through the woods when they come across a sign that reads, "Tree fellers wanted." Paddy says, "Ah what a shame!"*

"If only Seamus was here with us, we all could have applied for that!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen*

There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. 

In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and were brewing beer 

The two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. 

The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they hadn't been properly introduced.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...*

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".


----------



## Tom Horn

*Robert asks a televangelist to pray for his hearing*

After five minutes of violent shaking and trying to push Robert backwards, the televangelist asks Robert about his hearing, to which he replies "I don't know, my hearing isn't until Tuesday at the courthouse."


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## nchobbyfarm




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## po boy




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## Evons hubby

po boy said:


> View attachment 99229


bwahahahaha!


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## Tom Horn

*I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.*

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.


----------



## Tom Horn

*How do you hide money from a Fundamentalist Christian?*

Put it in a Bible.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why do cannibals like Mormons?*

free delivery.


----------



## Tom Horn

*How are Mormons better than Catholics?*

They marry the children before they molest them!


----------



## Tom Horn

*I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.*

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....*

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"


----------



## Tom Horn

*What would Barry Allen be called if his speed was a result of fart propulsion?*

The Flatch

If the above were true, all men could be super heroes and they would have to put up one of those, "Heroes work here," at the cannery.


----------



## Tom Horn

*"Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club."*

Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

"Ok, same difference."

_looks at group_

Oh, this guy is good.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I really like oxymorons. Phrases like jumbo shrimp, organized chaos, open secret*

Or United States of America.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What did the man say to the feminist to get her angry?*

Nothing. The fact that he didn't say anything to her made her think that he thought he was superior and therefore a sexist, misogynistic, scum of the earth


----------



## Tom Horn

*Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.*

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I walked into the shop, glimpsing my beard covered in snow as I entered*

"You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling.

"Ho, ho, ho!" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst.


----------



## Tom Horn

*My Hip Hop name is DJ Green Onion.*

But you can call me Rapscallion.


----------



## Tom Horn

*"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law*

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law


----------



## Tom Horn

*Did you know that if you stab a salad 23 times,*

It becomes a Caesar Salad


----------



## Tom Horn

*THREE RELIGIOUS TRUTHS IN AMERICA, WE CANNOT ESCAPE:*

1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

3) Baptists and Mormons do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist or Mormon; he'll drink all the beer and smoke all of your cigarettes. But if you bring two of them, you'll have them all to yourself.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Moral decline of the modern world*

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*One day an obnoxious atheist asked a pious Muslim man to explain to him why people suffered If God existed. The Muslim calmly thought for a minute*

And then hacked that infidel's head clean off.


----------



## Tom Horn

A couple decides to go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and they order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck".


----------



## RJ2019

Tom Horn said:


> *One day an obnoxious atheist asked a pious Muslim man to explain to him why people suffered If God existed. The Muslim calmly thought for a minute*
> 
> And then hacked that infidel's head clean off.


If it was a clean cut there was no suffering, so there's that😂


----------



## Tom Horn

*The editor rejected my book, he said my **metaphors are incomprehensible...*

I'm sad as a coconut.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Which Christian denomination knows the most about dinosaurs?*

Episcopaleontologists


----------



## Tom Horn

*Getting friends with benefits is easy*

If you hang around the welfare office long enough you're sure to meet a few nice people.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Welfare is like diabetes*

If Momma had it, her babies probably will too


----------



## Tom Horn

*What does Biden call illegal immigrants?*

Undocumented Democrats


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do liberals and homeless people have in common?*

They are always asking for change.


----------



## Tom Horn

*2 cars had a head-on collision in Mexico today..*

34 people died.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Mexican, an Arab, and a redn*ck girl......*

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redn*ck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redn*ck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'


----------



## Tom Horn

*As a 30 year old man, I can tell you that dating never gets any easier......*

I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, and last night we had dinner at her parents house. Her Mother doesn't care for me, but her Father hates me; which is weird, because we used to play football together in high school.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why didn't Neo ever cuddle Trinity from behind in bed?*

Because there is no spoon.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I would rather cuddle then have sex.*

If your good with grammar you'll get it.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Marriage.....*

......... is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

*What's the most common marriage proposal?*

You're what!


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn

*So this guy finishes reading a self-empowerment book..*

And then goes to his wife to put the knowledge to the test. so he tells her :"Dear, tomorrow morning I expect breakfast in bed, followed by some good love-making and then a warm bath...and after all this, who do you think also gets to do my hair and dress me ?" the wife looks at him, smiles, and says :"The guys at the funeral home, honey"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...*

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Little Johnny puts a dot on the blackboard *

The teacher in her first grade class asks her students to come to the chalkboard and draw something that causes a lot of excitement and commotion. Little Johnny comes up and simply puts a dot on the chalkboard. The teacher asks "what is that?" Little Johnny replies, "it's a period." The teacher says "why does it cause excitement and commotion?" Little Johnny says "it doesn't, but my sister said she missed one this morning and my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the guy next door shot himself"


----------



## Tom Horn

*One, day little Johnny asks his father,*

"Daddy where do I come from?"

The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time.

"Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..."

After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child,

"Well son, does that answer your question?"

"Not really, Susan from school told me she came from Italy."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Little Johnny was made fun of...*

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.*

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

_Hey, it's working_ thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."

Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."

The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:

"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."


----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> View attachment 99333


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## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

*Weird Pfizer vaccine side effect*

I haven't made any sounds when I go to the bathroom since I got the shot.

Doctor said that with Pfizer, the p is silent.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why can't men get mad cow disease?*

Because all men are pigs.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why do they call it PMS?*

Because the name "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker walk into a restaurant. *

The hostess says “excuse me, due to a Mad Cow Disease there is a shortage of steak so we currently don’t have any.”

The Texan says “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says “What’s a steak

The New Yorker says “What’s excuse me?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.*

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says


----------



## Tom Horn

*There is a doctor who works with geriatric patients at a rest home.*

The first patient comes in and the doctor asks "what's 3 times 3?" The patient responds, "810,958." The doctor jots this down and goes on to the next patient. "What's 3 times 3?" He asks. The second patient replies with "Tuesday." The doctor jots this down and moves on to the 3rd patient. He asks him, "what's 3 times 3?" He says, "Nine." The doctor is curious and asks him how he came to this answer. He says "Simple, I divided 810,958 by Tuesday."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The last rites*

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and intones in a solemn voice: "B - 4, I - 19, N - 38, G - 54,. . . “


----------



## Tom Horn

*Forgetful senior citizens*

There was an elderly couple who were in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, no, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." 

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said," No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." 

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." 

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"


----------



## Tom Horn

I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along with my request.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked: “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled: "NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, That's a real relief!

My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Insurance*

Three men are sitting on a bench in their fancy retirement community in Florida
Steve says: "I started with a men's clothing shop and built the business into the finest department store in town. One day there was a fire and it destroyed everything. Since I was too old to begin again, I took the insurance money and retired - and here I am."

Ben says: "I had a hardware store downtown. It was the finest hardware store in the city. One Friday evening after closing time a pipe burst and flooded the store. On Monday morning I came in to discover that my entire inventory had been ruined. Like you, I was too old to start again, so I took the insurance money and retired down here to Florida."

Bill says: "I had a pharmacy in the Midwest. I was very successful, and had seven pharmacists working for me. However, one night a tornado came and picked up my entire store, utterly destroying it. I came the next morning and there was no pharmacy there! I was already a senior citizen so I took the insurance money and moved to Florida."

Steve and Ben look utterly confused. After a few moments, Ben asks Bill "Uh...how do you make a tornado?!"


----------



## Tom Horn

Dear Kean Elementary,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my a*s.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes


----------



## Tom Horn

*She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window! I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!*

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?" I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" - "Great!" She said. “Can you look after my dog ?" 

Being a senior citizen, really sucks!!


----------



## Tom Horn

*Went downtown for dinner with my wife last night*

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with Biden Harris stickers. We try to have a little fun each day. It's so important at our age!


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## nchobbyfarm




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## 67drake




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## Evons hubby

67drake said:


> View attachment 99365


Cops have no sense of humor! Had one wanted to see my license, I said sure, if I can see your gun..... credit where it’s due, they served great cornbread and beans in their jail!


----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

*My grandfather works with a couple of hypochondriacs*

Sometimes he will make up a fake illness to see how long it takes them to catch it.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Psychology Definitions....*

* A psychologist is a person who tells you what everybody knows in a language nobody can understand.

* The superego is that part of the personality soluble in alcohol, or the superego is that small inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.

* A neurotic is a person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion.

* A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

* A hypochondriac is a person who wants to have his ache and treat it too.

* A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.

* Consciousness is that annoying time between periods of sleep.

* A sadist is a person who does kind things to a masochist.

* The Freudian Virus causes your PC to become obsessed with its own motherboard.

* Guilt feelings are the attempt to express the good intentions you never really had.

* Lysdexia is a peech imspediment we live to learn with.

* A lottery is a tax on people who don't know statistics.


----------



## Tom Horn

*How do narcissists save money on their electricity bills?*

They use gaslighting.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The atheist lost a lot of self esteem when someone said he looked just like Jesus.*

He just didn't believe in himself anymore.


----------



## Tom Horn

*There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.*

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling about this, the waitress comes up to them. The biker gang says that the truck driver wasn’t much of a fighter.

The waitress then looks out into the night and says, “He doesn’t look to be much of a driver either. He just ran over 3 motorcycles.”


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

*Two hillbillies walk into a bar...*

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## Tom Horn

*Tennessee Colors*

*Q:* Why does the University of Tennessee football team wear orange to all their Saturday games?

*A:* So that they can wear the same outfit to go hunting on Sunday, and to work on Monday.


----------



## Tom Horn

*State Flower of West Virginia

Q:* What's the state flower of West Virginia?

*A:* A satellite dish.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Identity Crisis

Psychiatrist:* What is wrong with your brother?

*Sister:* He thinks he's a chicken.

*Psychiatrist*: How long has be been acting like a chicken?

*Sister:* Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two hillbillies were sipping moonshine on the front porch*

When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.

“I’m a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery” announced the first hillbilly.

“Do wuuuut?” Asked the second hillbilly.

“Send my lawn out to git mowed.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*There are two kinds of Hillbilly women/**inner-city**. Those who get married and have a lot of kids....*

....and those who are a single and have a lot of kids.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Hillbilly Ma says to her son,*

"Jethro, I need you to fix the outhouse."

"What fer ma?"

"Jis go 'n hava look."

So Jethro walks out to the outhouse, opens the door, and looks, "I don't see nothin wrong here ma," he says.

"Look closer," says Ma. Jethro moves into the outhouse.

"Still don't see nuthin," he says.

"Stick yer head in the hole."

"But, Ma."

"Jis do it." Of course Jethro knows better than to disobey his ma, so he sticks his head into the hole.

Then he hollers, "Oww, Ma, my beard's stuck."

"Aggravatin' isn't it?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Q: What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniel's?*

A: Jack Daniel's is still killing Indians.


----------



## Tom Horn

*John Wayne walks into a bar...*

And asks the bartender if he can use his private restroom.
"No!" Says the bartender, "You can use the public one, just like everybody else!"
John Wayne replies: "Oh come on man, I'm John Wayne!"
"No preferential treatment, either use the public one, or get out."
John Wayne thinks for a while, hoping from foot to foot, before he gives in, and waddles off the the men's room.

A few moments later he returns with his left pant-leg totally soaked.
"What the heck happened to you?!" Exclaimed the bartender.
"Happens to me every time! I go up to the urinal, and the guy standing next to me turns around saying 'Hey! It's John Wayne!'"


----------



## Tom Horn

*For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.*

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A 70 year old man asked his wife: "do you feel sad when you see me running after the young girls?"*

the wife replied : no, not at all. every dog chases cars they can't drive


----------



## Tom Horn

*An Old Man Goes to the Doctor*

He brings his wife with him, and when the doctor asks why she's in the exam room too the wife replies that her husband is hard of hearing and she is there to help him understand.


The doctor says "Alright, sir. Please get on the scale." The man looks at his wife and she shouts "HE WANTS TO SEE HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH"


After that, the doctor asks the man to take a few deep breaths. The man looks at his wife again and she shouts "HE WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOUR LUNGS"


Finally, the doctor says "I'm going to need a urine sample, a sperm sample, and a stool sample." The man looks at his wife once more and she shouts "HE WANTS TO LOOK AT YOUR UNDERWEAR"


----------



## Tom Horn

*An old man is sitting on his porch one morning watching the neighborhood*

He notices a boy walking by with a roll of chicken wire. He calls over to the boy and asks him what he’s doing with the chicken wire. The boy replies “I’m going to use this chicken wire to go catch some chickens”. The man laughs it off but that afternoon he sees the boy walking back by his house with a bunch of chickens caught in the wire. 

A few days later he sees the boy again with a roll of duct tape. He asks what the boy is doing this time and the boy says “I’m going to use this duck tape to catch some ducks”. The man laughs it off again but sure enough that afternoon the boy comes back home with a bunch of ducks caught in the tape. 

A few more days pass and the man is back out on his porch and he sees the boy again this time carrying a bundle of branches. He asks the boy what he’s got this time. The boy says “some pus*y willow branches”. The man gets up and says “hold on let me get my jacket, I’m coming with you”


----------



## Tom Horn

*People sometimes ask me what brought my family to Canada*

I tell them my dad was stationed here during the Vietnam war


----------



## Tom Horn

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. 

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused the pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. 

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.


----------



## Tom Horn

Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.- Steve Irwin


----------



## Tom Horn

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." 

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."


----------



## Tom Horn

An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you don't believe in me, but now you're asking for my help?" The atheist looked up and said, "Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."


----------



## Tom Horn

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?“ The Cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy..' and here I am.”


----------



## Tom Horn

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.


----------



## Tom Horn

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*The old man had died.* 

A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A couple is about to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary.*

The old man goes down to a lingerie store and picks out a sheer little number for his wife.

At home after their anniversary dinner, he gives her the lingerie and tells her to go try it on.

The old lady goes into the bathroom to change, but then says to herself, "That old fart is blind as a bat, I'm just gonna come out wearing nothing at all."

She steps back into the bedroom, and he looks her up and down, then he frowns and says,

"For fifty bucks, I'd have thought they'd iron it."


----------



## Tom Horn

*An old couple goes to their doctor*

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.*

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding through the desert on my little donkey Sophie. We were lost and dang near out of food and water when I saw on the horizon the biggest house I’d ever seen, like something out of Lawrence of Arabia. I figured there might be some help for us there, so over we went. 

Well, turns out we’re the first living things they’ve seen in weeks and the poor bastards are more starved than we are. They get to talking, and I get the impression they’re of a mind to eat ol’ Sophie. I’m trying to figure out how I’m gonna get out of this one when a caravan appears in the distance. Ends up being the supplies those folk were waiting for, just camels and camels full of food, and we all have a laugh and a big dinner, no hard feelings. 

Well I’m pretty tuckered by this point and figure I’ll get some sleep and me and ol’ Sophie will be moving on in the morning. In the middle of the night I hear the most God-awful ruckus I’ve ever heard, just snarling and braying and crashing around. Everyone runs out towards the stable and sees a pack of wild dogs attacking ol’ Sophie, but before we can do a thing the camels in that caravan run in and stomp all over those dogs. Herd instinct and all that...”

“I don’t mean to be rude,” interrupted Jimmy. “But I was hoping you’d have some advice for me about prison.”

“Never been to prison,” replies the uncle. “All I can tell you is that when you’re stuck at the big house you’d be surprised how many times a pack of camels will keep your a*s from getting torn to pieces.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".*

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'".

The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, the results will be the same"...


----------



## Tom Horn

*A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.*

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”

The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exclaims, “Aha! I got it!! It’s aunt. A-U-N-T!”

The Pope smiles and claps his hands. “Wonderful!! That must be it!! Thank you! One more thing my son, would you happen to have an eraser?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*So I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink...*

When a buff guy walks in staring down the entire bar. He walks up to me, grabs my drink and downs it. He slams the glass back onto the table so hard I thought it was gonna break . I looked in disbelief and he asks "What are you gonna do about it bi*ch?"

I start crying from being so intimidated and he says "Stop crying you pus*y. I can't stand to see a grown man cry."

"This is the worst day of my life" I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I left my wallet in the taxi I took home. I found my girlfriend in bed with my best friend and my dog attacked me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all. I buy a drink, drop some rat poison in it and wait for it to fully dissolve. Then you show up and down the whole thing anyway."

"Enough about me. How's your day going?"


----------



## popscott




----------



## Tom Horn

*I lost my watch at a party once...*

An hour later, I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing this young woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. Nobody does that to a woman; not on my watch.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man is driving through the country side...*


The road he was on was cut off by a stream. He is a cautious man so he looked around and spotted a guy looking like a farmer.

"Can my car go through?” he asked

"Of course, the stream is hardly a couple feet deep!" said the guy.

The man was amazed how unnecessarily worried he is. He got into the car and drove through it. To his shock, half the car sunk into the stream. Somehow he managed himself out of the car and went straight to the guy. The guy himself was standing there is bewilderment.

”Are you an idiot? Did you just see what happened?” raged the man.

To this the guy said "What do I know? When the ducks went through it only was chest deep on them."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Mathematician from Norway*

A mathematician hailing from Norway gets invited to the annual conference for mathematics, statistics and logic. Upon arriving, he notices that a world-renown professor is hosting what was listed as "The Unbeatable Brain-Teaser". He decides to sign up, and gets in the single-file line for a one-on-one chance to attempt to solve the professor's riddle.

Once inside the conference room, the Norwegian is told that he will be faced with a 3-part riddle. The first challenge, explains the professor, is to represent on a chalk board the number '9' without words, digits or any mathematical symbols. The Norwegian proceeds to draw three trees on the board.

"Ya see dere? Tree plus tree plus tree equals nine, get it?"

The professor nods before going on with the second stage of the riddle. He explains that, by drawing upon the first sketch and following the same rules, he must now express the number 99. The Norwegian proceeds to use the chalk to scribble some debris around the trunk of each tree.

"Ya see dere? Dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree equals 99, get it?"

The professor grimaces and nods once again. He explains that the 3rd part of the riddle has yet to be solved. Not even Stephen Hawking himself was able to find a solution. The final part of the riddle is to further elaborate upon the existing sketch to represent the number 100. As the professor leans back with a smug grin, the Norwegian makes the final adjustments to his sketch. To the bewilderment of the professor, he draws a dog defecating next to each of the dirty trees.

"No problem," he says, "dirty tree and a turd plus dirty tree and a turd plus anudda dirty tree and a turd makes 100! I'll see ya at da bar."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Drunk Ventriloquist*

A Ventriloquist had given up on life and become a drunk vagabond, hopping trains and moving from town to town. One day he got off in a small town and on his way to the nearest bar he spotted a small dog in an alleyway. He thought, "Ah, perfect!", scooped the dog up and proceeded to the bar. Once inside he sat on a stool and put the dog down on the stool next to him. When the bartender turned to him the drunk ordered a beer and before the bartender could protest the presence of the dog he threw his voice and made the dog say, "I'll have one too!" Perplexed, the bartender poured two beers and set them in front of the drunk and the dog. The drunk drank his beer and when the bartender turned away, he quickly downed the dog's beer too. When the bartender came back to them the drunk ordered another beer and threw his voice again, so the dog ordered one as well. This time, the bartender unable to contain his curiosity and bewilderment, rubbed his head and asked, "Am I out of it, or is that dog talking?" The drunk ventriloquist smiled and said, "Yeah, he's been talkin' ever since he was a pup!" The bartender's eyes widened and he calmly asked the drunk, "Would you ever consider selling that dog?" The drunk frowned and looked at the dog. After a couple of seconds he replied, "Well, he means a lot to me and normally I would never consider it, but as you can see, I'm down on my luck and it may be the best for the dog, but I have to say that I couldn't take less than a thousand dollars." The bartender looked in the register and answered, "All I have is $500 now, could I owe you the rest?" The drunk frowned again, but replied, "I guess I don't have much of a choice. Ok, it's a deal!" The drunk finished his beer and left the bar $500 richer.

A month or so later, the drunk happens upon the same town and wanders into the same bar in a drunken stupor. He had forgotten all about the previous encounter, but the same bartender was there and recognized him instantly! The bartender walked swiftly over to the drunk and in an angry voice said, "You son of a bit*h! You sold me that dog and he hasn't said a word since!!" The drunk ventriloquist all of the sudden remembered the situation and was quick to reply, "Really?! That's strange. Where is he? Do you still have him?" The bartender sighed deeply and said, "Yeah, I've got him tied up out back..." The drunk insisted on seeing the dog. Once out back, the drunk leaned down and rubbed the dog on the head and scratched behind his ears and said, "Hey! I told you that you had to talk for this guy just like you talked for me. What's wrong?!?" He threw his voice again and the dog replied, "I ain't sayin' nothin' till he gives you that other $500!!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”*

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.”

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!”

The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Pissed Off*

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."

The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."

He continues, "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

The blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'

I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me..."

The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?'

The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?'

I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure."

"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally piss you off?"


"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"*

After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I am!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
"It's I am! Use the proper word!"
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
"Fine," she sighs "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A chemist walks into a pharmacy...*

With a pained expression the chemist asks the pharmacist for some acetylsalicylic acid.

The pharmacist looks confused as he asks, "You mean aspirin?"

The chemist, still in pain replies with exasperation, "Yes! I can never remember that word."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man gets a prescription for Viagra...*

That night he takes a big dose, and he and his wife have a wild night of passion.

The next morning, his wife says to him, "Dear, how about I make us some breakfast? Eggs, bacon, toast, maybe some fresh fruit?" The husband replies, " You know, I'm not really hungry. Maybe it's a side effect of the Viagra."

Around lunchtime, his wife asks him, "How about some lunch, dear? I could make us some sandwiches." Again he answers, " I'm still not hungry, it must be the Viagra."

That evening, the wife asks her husband what he would like for dinner. "I could make a roast, or broil some chicken..." "It's the weirdest thing, honey--I'm still not hungry!" he chuckles.

His wife sighs in exasperation. "Well, could you at least get off of me for five minutes? I'm starving!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A young married couple decides to join a church...*

They attend a few introductory classes and meet with the pastor, who will decide whether they'll be approved for membership.

The pastor says, "Well, as you may have heard, we take fasting pretty seriously here. And Lent is just around the corner. I'd like to ask you to do something that may seem strange, but it will really demonstrate that you're committed to this church and to our spiritual disciplines. I'd like you to give up all sexual contact with each other for the entire 40 days of Lent."

The husband swallows hard. The wife audibly gasps. But they look at each other, and then to the pastor. The husband says, "Okay. We'll give it a shot."

A week into Lent, they show up at the pastor's office looking a bit shamefaced. The pastor welcomes them in, and they can't seem to make eye contact. He knows it's gone wrong and he folds his hands, leans forward and says, "Tell me what happened."

The young husband blurted out, "We tried! We really tried. But the second day of Lent was our anniversary. We went out to dinner, had a bottle of wine, and when we got home, things just started to go, you know. Down a certain path." The wife said, "But nothing happened — we danced and kissed briefly and then I made him sleep on the couch."

"The next night," the husband explained, "We talked about it, and both felt pretty guilty. But as the evening wore on, I could tell that both of us were really wanting that physical intimacy. So I actually went to a friend's house and slept at his place."

"Go on," said the pastor.

The husband said, "And then yesterday evening, she was reaching up to grab a can of peas from the top shelf and, well, she just looked so beautiful — I mean, that's good, right? She's my wife! I'm supposed to find her arousing. She looked so good, I grabbed her, we kissed, and then we ripped off all of our clothes and had wild, passionate, loud, sex right there on the floor."

The pastor stood up, shook his head in disgust and said with considerable exasperation as he motioned toward the door, "I'm sorry. But you are no longer welcome here at this church."

They got up to leave and the wife said, "That's okay. We're not welcome at Kroger anymore either."


----------



## popscott




----------



## Tom Horn

*Once there was a priest who loved golf as much as preaching ... *

One fine Sunday morning he woke up to find the most perfect golfing weather. He was really torn between his two true loves. Finally he gave in and asked another priest to do the sermon. He quietly packed up his golf bag and slipped out the back of the church.

At the links he was having the most perfect game. His drives were straight and long. His chips landed exactly where he wanted them, and his putts rolled perfectly. It seemed he could make the ball do exactly what he wanted it to.

Up in the heavens two Angels were watching all this with consternation; they asked God, "Do you see what one of you own is doing?". God just smiled.

At the next hole, a par 3, the Father, hits a perfect shot and gets a hole in one. The Angels turn to God and say, "Really?!!"

God smiles and says, "Sure, but who is he going to tell?"


----------



## Tom Horn

Along the coast in California, there are large dairy herds that graze the hillsides. The sun and the rain produce wonderful pastureland. The best eating was at the top of the hills, but when the ocean breezes turn to gales, the cows are often blown right off their feet. So mostly, they huddled in the valleys, picking over what they could find.

The bulls on the other hand, enjoyed the tender shoots at the top of the hills. The wind, and even the occasional tremor seem to have no affect on them. This caused not just a little muttering and consternation among the cows.

One particularly windy day, the bravest (and hungriest) of the females struggled to the top of the hill to talk to the bulls. She fell over twice on the way up, but she was determined to find out their secret. "How do you guys stand up here?" she asked.

Looking up from a particularly sweet patch of clover, the oldest one said "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Will you marry me...*

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.*

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"*

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Woman sitting on death row. Executioner opens her cell door and says “It’s time. What do you want to eat for your last meal?”*

Woman goes, “I don’t know, what do you want?”


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn

*A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.*

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd like 10 pounds of green bananas." The warden thought this was a bit odd, but granted the request. As Joe sits on the electric chair he finished the very last banana, and the executioner flips the switch, but nothing happens. Technically the condemned has served his sentence and must be released.

And so, Joe finds work as a band director, again, for an alternative high school. An atrocious trombone player once again gives him trouble, but he has learned from his mistake and instead throws a baton at the young boy, but the baton is thrown too hard and goes through the boys eye, and kills him. Once again Joe is sentenced to death. For his last meal he again selects ten pounds of green bananas. The warden is wary this time but grants the request and once again the man eats the whole dish. The executioner flips the switch on the electric chair, but once again nothing happens. The warden checks the chair and everything is working perfectly but Joe just isn't dying. Joe is returned to his cell while the governor is called to discuss what is going on.

A week has passed as it normally would, but while in prison, Joe has become the prison music education coordinator, and once again, directs the band. One of the members of the Aryan Brotherhood is a lousy Bassoon Player and Joe has had enough. Being in prison his potential weapons are limited, so he feels relaxed throwing his sheet music at him, but the skinhead is surprised and falls out of his chair. The bassoon falls over and kills him, and there is no choice but to once again sentence Joe to death.

The governor is in attendance this time, and Joe is asked what his last meal should be and says "I want ten pounds of..." but before he can finish the warden shouts "Oh no you don't! You had ten pounds of green bananas the last two times and you cheated death. This time we're giving you a nice juicy steak!" Joe complies, finishes his steak and the switch is thrown. But nothing happens.

Everyone is stunned and speechless. Finally, the governor pipes up and says, "I guess he's just a terrible conductor."


----------



## Tom Horn

*What’s the difference between light and dark soy sauce?*

I asked Alexa, what’s the difference between light and dark soy sauce?

Dark soy sauce is used in Chinese cooking to add color and flavor to dishes. 

Light is an electromagnetic radiation within a certain portion of the electro magnetic spectrum.

Thanks Alexa - you’re not technically wrong....


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Lisa in WA




----------



## nchobbyfarm

Lisa in WA said:


> View attachment 99597


Thank you! I needed that.


----------



## Elevenpoint

Howard would have been in the nervous hospital over that.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Evons hubby

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 99612


And soooo yummy!


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nchobbyfarm

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

I thought these were universal.....?


----------



## Tom Horn

*How many beans does it take to make Irish bean soup?*

239. Because one more would make it too farty


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two Irish priests decided to go on a vacation to Barcelona.*

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a bikini
came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied,
"Father, it's me, Sister Phillomena" !


----------



## Tom Horn

*An Irish Tale*

The daughter of a poor Irish farmer had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this while, lass? Why did ye run off and not write us, not even a line? Why? Can ye not understand the pains you've poor ol' mother through? And yer brother and me too?”
Crying, the girl replies, "I know, I'm so sorry Daddy, I met a man but he dumped me and I had to do terrible things to survive. Sniff, sniff…daddy...I...became…a prostitute. But I've done well!”

“A what!?!?! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family. Now you'll be needin' to leave before your poor mother comes round, now go!”

“OK, papa, as ye wish. I only came to give Mum the old O'Riley estate and castle so she and you could live out your years in comfort having others do for you and poor mum for a change. And for my dear brother Declan I got him a nice Rolex watch because I know how much he loves watches and I brought a new Aston Martin DB10 for you daddy. I also wanted to invite you all for as long as you'd like on my 290' yacht on the French Riviera. I'm so sorry to have hurt you all but I'll leave, I don't want to hurt anybody anymore..."
At this point her daddy is more than curious so he says, "Now hold on lass, what is it ye said you've gone and done with yerself?"

"I became a prostitute daddy." she says.

"A prostitute!!!" he replies. "Sure and begorrah as God is my witness, you've scared me half to death lass! I thought you said you'd become a Protestant! Now come here and give yer old man a hug!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*An Irish man goes to the Doctor,*

Who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart but I think if you take some tablets you’ll be okay“, So the doctor gives him some tablets and the man asks “Do I have to take them every day?

“No“, “take one on Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday, and so on like that.“ Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street and sees the patient’s wife.

“Hello Mrs. Murphy“ He says “And how is your husband?“ “ he died of a heart attack,“ says Mrs. Murphy. “I am very sorry to hear that, ”Says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be alright.“

“All the tablets were fine“ says Mrs. Murphy “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!“


----------



## Tom Horn

*An Irish man goes fishing*

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?"
“Fishing” replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?”

"You're the 8th", replied the old man.


----------



## Tom Horn

*An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he spots a Preacher baptizing people in the river.*

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

The Preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him Into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't Found Jesus.'

By this time the Preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs so he pulls him up.

The Preacher again asks the
drunk, 'For the love of Mike, have you found Jesus..!!?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, 'now tell me this, are you sure this is where he fell in' ?


----------



## Tom Horn

*If Hell is red hot, dry and mostly empty,*

then how do Arizonians realize that they're dead?


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## 7UP guy

When you see geese flying in "V" formation and one side is always longer than the other....do you know why?....
More ducks on one side.....


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 99711


That is so DH and me! I don't ask about how certain outfits look, although I will occasionally ask which earrings look best with an outfit.


----------



## po boy




----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> View attachment 99715


I know I did.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony

I remember wearing those HIGH heels, too. (It saved me having to hem my bell-bottom jeans!)


----------



## Pony




----------



## MO_cows

Pony said:


> I remember wearing those HIGH heels, too. (It saved me having to hem my bell-bottom jeans!)
> 
> View attachment 99775


I took my driver's license test in a 72 charger, looks like the same rear end in that photo. It was my wicked stepmothers car.


----------



## mreynolds

MO_cows said:


> I took my driver's license test in a 72 charger, looks like the same rear end in that photo. It was my wicked stepmothers car.


That's what your rear end used to look like?


----------



## Evons hubby

mreynolds said:


> That's what your rear end used to look like?


Might still look that way!


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 99805


I am guilty of the food picture one


----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 99805


10 channels would have been a lot for me. We had three. 

Sometimes 4 but you had to keep someone with one hand on the antenna and the other up in the air. They were always asking "What's going on now? I cant see it."


----------



## Danaus29

mreynolds said:


> 10 channels would have been a lot for me. We had three.
> 
> Sometimes 4 but you had to keep someone with one hand on the antenna and the other up in the air. They were always asking "What's going on now? I cant see it."


We had 5, once Grandpa installed a 20 foot tall antenna.


----------



## whiterock

We had 4


----------



## Evons hubby

We had two, both snowy.


----------



## alida

We had six on a good day. On a bad day my dad or uncle would have to climb up the antenna to adjust it. That was a three person operation, one doing the adjusting, one person in the living room to yell when it was right again and a third person in the front doorway relaying that information to the person outside. 
This much effort was worth it, to my dad and uncle, when there was a hockey game on.


----------



## po boy

I think we had only three and to adjust the antenna, u had to climb up on the roof.


----------



## Pony

We had the Big 3 (ABC, CBS, NBC) as well as what was then a local station, WGN (owned by the World's Greatest Newspaper - at the time - The Chicago Tribune), and the Chicago PBS station, WTTW (Window To The World).

Also had UHF stations WCIU (channel 26, Chicago 1[st] Uhf) and channel 32, WFLD, (*F*ie*LD* Enterprises, founding owner of the station, now owned by Fox).

7 channels in a major city market. And none of them ran all night. There was always the test pattern from around 11 pm until 5 am, when WGN started the day with Orion Samuelson's _Farm Report. _Even when I was a city kid, I watched the farm reports. LOL

*ETA*: When DH's folks were down to visit last week, they brought the Sunday Trib. Not only was it skinny as a rail, the masthead no longer reads, "World's Greatest Newspaper." Just as well. It is nothing but a red scandal rag, since they fired all dissenting (i.e. conservative and libertarian) staff, including the great John Kass.


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> We had the Big 3 (ABC, CBS, NBC) as well as what was then a local station, WGN (owned by the World's Greatest Newspaper - at the time - The Chicago Tribune), and the Chicago PBS station, WTTW (Window To The World).
> 
> Also had UHF stations WCIU (channel 26, Chicago 1[st] Uhf) and channel 32, WFLD, (*F*ie*LD* Enterprises, founding owner of the station, now owned by Fox).
> 
> 7 channels in a major city market. And none of them ran all night. There was always the test pattern from around 11 pm until 5 am, when WGN started the day with Orion Samuelson's _Farm Report. _Even when I was a city kid, I watched the farm reports. LOL
> 
> *ETA*: When DH's folks were down to visit last week, they brought the Sunday Trib. Not only was it skinny as a rail, the masthead no longer reads, "World's Greatest Newspaper." Just as well. It is nothing but a red scandal rag, since they fired all dissenting (i.e. conservative and libertarian) staff, including the great John Kass.


How could you forgot channel 44. Home of Bob Luce wrestling! With Bens auto sales commercials? I remember if I woke up earlier then normal, I also watched the farm report. I still remember Orians super deep voice.  Watching the Ray Rayner show was the kid thing to do in Chicago.


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> How could you forgot channel 44. Home of Bob Luce wrestling! With Bens auto sales commercials? I remember if I woke up earlier then normal, I also watched the farm report. I still remember Orion's super deep voice.  Watching the Ray Rayner show was the kid thing to do in Chicago.
> 
> View attachment 99819


Oh! Yeah, 44!

We could never get Channel 44 to come in, even when we would string wire from the antenna to the front window.

Ray Rayner!!! YES! Remember Chelveston the Duck, and the Do It Yourself projects? We loved Ray when he would tell us that our school (St Gregory on the far North side) was closed due to SNOW!

There was the Bozo show at lunchtime. I was on there twice: once as a little kid (neighbor got tickets, and I was too little, and found it oh so boooooring....) and once when my son was an infant (friend got tickets). Liked it better the second time. Did not get to play Grand Prize Game either time. 

Used to race home from school to watch the King of the United States, Garfield Goose. 

WGN was a good station back then.


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> Oh! Yeah, 44!
> 
> We could never get Channel 44 to come in, even when we would string wire from the antenna to the front window.
> 
> Ray Rayner!!! YES! Remember Chelveston the Duck, and the Do It Yourself projects? We loved Ray when he would tell us that our school (St Gregory on the far North side) was closed due to SNOW!
> 
> There was the Bozo show at lunchtime. I was on there twice: once as a little kid (neighbor got tickets, and I was too little, and found it oh so boooooring....) and once when my son was an infant (friend got tickets). Liked it better the second time. Did not get to play Grand Prize Game either time.
> 
> Used to race home from school to watch the King of the United States, Garfield Goose.
> 
> WGN was a good station back then.


Another WGN favorite of mine was Family Classics. I think that was Sunday afternoon?
I also went to Bozo Circus twice. Once in grade school , my whole class went as one of the mothers got tickets for everyone. Once when I was about 9. I got chosen from the line while entering to be in the opening skit with Bozo and Cookie. I’m sure you remember seeing me on TV? It was the beginning of my career.


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> Another WGN favorite of mine was Family Classics. I think that was Sunday afternoon?
> I also went to Bozo Circus twice. Once in grade school , my whole class went as one of the mothers got tickets for everyone. Once when I was about 9. I got chosen from the line while entering to be in the opening skit with Bozo and Cookie. I’m sure you remember seeing me on TV? It was the beginning of my career.


I loved Family Classics. Cried when Frasier Thomas died. 

I'd better go find something funny to add to this thread... Seems we've taken a bit of a detour.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Redlands Okie

You earned it and got it.


----------



## Danaus29

Got me too.


----------



## Pony

Danaus29 said:


> Got me too.


Me, three!


----------



## Danaus29

Pony said:


> Me, three!


At least someone is laughing. I just wish they weren't laughing at us.


----------



## Pony

Danaus29 said:


> At least someone is laughing. I just wish they weren't laughing at us.


We can laugh at ourselves.


----------



## alida

My parents used to tell us about their travels too school, when we were too young to really realize that HOLLAND is flat as a pancake and everything is three blocks away.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 99883


Dayum....


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Okay, just one more for today.

I hope this makes many people smile. It just tickled me sideways.


----------



## 67drake

Not only laugh, but the only time I would watch cricket. Silly Brits.


----------



## alida

@Pony that was a very funny video. There are people who play cricket around where I live and I have to wonder.....


----------



## alida

I am somewhat familiar with this scenario.


----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 99829



A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed.

The bartender asks them what their troubles are.

The Cowboy takes a shot, then says “my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck tanker carrying gasoline.

Caused a huge explosion and blew my poor horse to bits.

” The spider nods sympathetically. “I just lost my husband in that same fire.

The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby.

” The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.

The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said “My whole family was on that truck.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A pilgrim was seeking enlightenment*

He was told to climb a mountain somewhere in Tibet.

As the pilgrim climbed the mountain for half a day, he came across a sage with a beard this

long and a sword this <-----> big with a fly buzzing around his head.

"What is the true path to happiness?" asked the pilgrim.

Before anyone could take breath, the sage unsheathed his sword and cut the fly in half, then said

"Speed and accuracy"

"Wow, that's amazing!" Said the pilgrim, "but I'm looking for the secret to true happiness"

"Climb that path" said the sage.

So the pilgrim climbed the path for a full day, and met a sage with a beard this

long and a sword <-----> this big and a fly buzzing around his head.

"What is the true path to happiness?" asked the pilgrim.

Before anyone could blink, the sage unsheathed his sword, and cut the fly into quarters

"Speed and accuracy" said the sage.

"Wow, that's amazing!"

Said the pilgrim, "But I'm looking for the secret to true happiness"

"Climb that path" said the sage.

After two full days of hiking, the pilgrim came upon a sage with a beard this

long and a sword this <-----> long.

"What is the true path to happiness?" asked the pilgrim.

Before anyone could think, the sage unsheathed his sword and swiped at the fly, which kept swarming around.

"Speed and accuracy" said the sage.

"Wow!"

Said the pilgrim

"... that's not very impressive"

"Ah," replied the sage, "that fly will never be a father"


----------



## Pony




----------



## Danaus29

Pony said:


> View attachment 99960


I will never be able to watch that movie again without this popping up in my head!
rotfl


----------



## Pony

Danaus29 said:


> I will never be able to watch that movie again without this popping up in my head!
> rotfl


It just cracked me up. I'm sitting here, giggling again. The dogs are looking at me like I've finally lost it.

Maybe I have....


----------



## Tom Horn

*I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, a six pack of beer and a carton of cigarettes.*

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.


----------



## Tom Horn

*2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.*

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England*

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, How Come Fingers Don't Fing.

If The Plural Of Tooth Is Teeth

Shouldn't The Plural Of Phone Booth Be Phone Beeth

If The Teacher Taught,

Why Didn't The Preacher Praught.

If A Vegetarian Eats Vegetables

What The Heck Does A Humanitarian Eat!?

Why Do People Recite At A Play

Yet Play At A Recital?

Park On Driveways And

Drive On Parkways

How Can The Weather Be As Hot As Hell On One Day

And As Cold As Hell On Another

You Have To Marvel At The Unique Lunacy

Of A Language Where A House Can Burn Up As

It Burns Down

And In Which You Fill In A Form

By Filling It Out

And A Bell Is Only Heard Once It Goes!

English Was Invented By People, Not Computers

And It Reflects The Creativity Of The Human Race

(Which Of Course Isn't A Race At All)

That Is Why

When The Stars Are Out They Are Visible

But When The Lights Are Out They Are Invisible

And Why It Is That When I Wind Up My Watch

It Starts

But When I Wind Up This Poem

It Ends.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Sharing is caring...*

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.


As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. They were thinking, 'That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man politely declined, saying they were just fine, and were used to sharing everything.


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered: 'The teeth"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man was sitting near a corner of a park, eating a hamburger*

A lady with a dog comes and sits next to him

The dog starts whining seeing the hamburger

So the man asks the lady, "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all" the lady replies, pleased

So the man got up and threw the dog over the park fence


----------



## Tom Horn

*I was about to eat my hamburger when an old lady approached me and begged me for food...*

I felt pity on her and gave her half of my burger. Turns out she was a Fairy

"Poof"

Fairy: "Because of your kindness I will grant you one wish."

Me: "Really? I want a brand new Ferrari!"

And there it was, 1/2 of a Ferrari


----------



## Tom Horn

*Give a man a hamburger . . .*

you will feed him for a day. Lend a man a hamburger and he will gladly pay you Tuesday.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

*I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said, "We do not accept bills over $20."*

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.


----------



## Tom Horn

*With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.*

So they brought back the McRib.


----------



## Tom Horn

*People say it **couldn't** be done, but I have worked at McDonald's for 20 years and I have enough saved to live off of for the rest of my life.*

If I die before before next month.


----------



## Tom Horn

*While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.*

Running in I found her dead on the floor.

In a panic, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered.

McDonald's has an all-day breakfast.


----------



## Tom Horn

*My uncle got rich the American way*

He tripped over things and sued people.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The American dream:*

To buy a shovel for $2, to then sell it for $4. Then you buy two shovels, and sell those for $8. Then one of your rich uncles dies and you inherit $1,000,000.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Michael Jackson is the epitome of the American Dream*

Only in America could a poor, black boy become a rich, white woman


----------



## alida




----------



## Tom Horn

*A farmer sitting on his porch*

A farmer is sitting on his porch, when he hears a loud crash behind his house. So he grabs his gun takes off out back and sees his outhouse destroyed reindeer laying on the ground Santa's sleigh laying on its side. Then Santa stands up, yelling "Rudolph, you idiot I said the Schmidt house! "


----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro

Today at the planned 2nd insurrection:


----------



## nchobbyfarm

Hiro said:


> View attachment 100031


Bravo!!!


----------



## Tom Horn

*These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".*

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
*___*
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
*____*
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty -- much like your IQ.
*__*
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me?
*_*

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
*____*
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
*__*
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with 'a male'.
*_*
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
*_*
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
*_*
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
*____*
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
*__*
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The village blacksmith was glad to have finally found an apprentice that did not mind the long hours and was willing to work hard.*

He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer. ”The apprentice did just as he was told.

And now he’s the village blacksmith.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I was asked if I knew any blacksmiths*

And apparently "Will" and "Jada Pinkett" were incorrect answers.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A farmer was walking into town to do some errands*

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to go to 23 Elm street. Could you tell me the way? "

"Sure," said the farmer. "Actually, I'll be walking right by 23 Elm. I can just walk you there. "

As they went along, the farmer started to take his usual shortcut down a narrow, somewhat darkened alley. The schoolmistress halted in alarm. "Are we going to go down there!" She exclaimed.

"Why not?" Asked the farmer, puzzled and irritated.

"It's so dark and deserted!" The schoolmistress said. "You might be planning to push me up against the wall, yank up my skirt and ravish me!"

" Lady, " the farmer said, annoyed. "I'm carrying a bucket, a brick, two chickens and a duck. How exactly am I supposed to ravish you? "

The schoolmistress replied, "You put the duck down under the bucket, put the brick on top, and I hold a chicken under each arm."


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do you call a volunteer bricklayer?*

A freemason.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank...*

Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The government offered to buy my guns from me*

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Guns don't kill people, people kill people.*

Toasters don't toast toast toast toast toast.


----------



## Tom Horn

*One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.*

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.

The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .*

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde rides up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’”

Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’

So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”*

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*An inquisitive cowboy ambled into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe without realizing it had recently come out of the forge.*

Dropping it, he shoved his burned hand into his pocket and tried to appear nonchalant.

“Kinda hot, ain’t it?” asked the blacksmith.

“Nope,” said the cowboy. “It just don’t take me long to look at a horseshoe.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two cowboys were riding through a canyon and from far off they heard the sound of drumming.*

One of them said, "I don't like the sound of those drums." And a distant voice called out "He's not our regular drummer!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling "TGIF!"*

The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!"

Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out "SPIT!" This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed.

Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies "Hell ya I know what it means - 'Thank Gawd It's Friday!'" The bartender asks the Mexican guy "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*What's it called when a cowboy has a learning disability?*

Yeehawtism


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why aren't cowboys circumcised?*

So they have a place to put their chewing tobacco when they're eating.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?*

Maple Stirrups.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick?*

Goth Brooks


----------



## Tom Horn

*If a donkey kicks you in the face...*

...is it still considered an "a*s-kicking"?


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do you get if you cross a human and a centaur?*

A Quarter Horse.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.*

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can imagine.”

WW: “I’m Wonder Woman; I have super strength, can move at super speed, and have a lasso that compels people to tell the truth.”

F: “I’m the Flash; I can move at super speed, phase through solid objects, and even travel through time.”

A: “I’m Aquaman; I’m super strong and can communicate with aquatic creatures.”

GA: “I’m Green Arrow; I tell cars when to turn left.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Blind guy walks into a bar.*

First thing he does is pick up his dog by its leash and start swinging it above his head like a lasso.

The bartender says "hey! What are you doing?!?"

Blind guy says "just having a look around."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97*

So he rounded them up.


----------



## MO_cows

A PSA


----------



## Pony




----------



## Evons hubby

Pony said:


> View attachment 100053


Bwaaahahaha!


----------



## Pony




----------



## TripleD

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? Nothing but the taste!!!


----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## MO_cows

True dat!


----------



## Tom Horn

MO_cows said:


> True dat!
> View attachment 100133


----------



## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 100136


Hey now.


----------



## Pony

mreynolds said:


> Hey now.


I meant it in fun. I didn't mean to hurt my friends north of the Cheddar Curtain!


----------



## alida




----------



## Tom Horn

alida said:


> View attachment 100147


Dear Autocorrect,

That's not what I meant to say and I'm getting real tired of your shirt.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Death Row*

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are due to be executed on the same day.

The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, “Ah shore do, wardn. Ah’d be mighty grateful if’n yoo’d play ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ fur me bahfore ah hafta go.”

“Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that,” says the warden. He turns to the biker, “And you, what’s your last request?”

“That you kill me first.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.*

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.

Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said "My poor friend, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the symbol of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar who sits next to him with the Cross and says, “Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"


----------



## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> Dear Autocorrect,
> 
> That's not what I meant to say and I'm getting real tired of your shirt.


Dear Autocorrupt,

I do not text about my duck.


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> Dear Autocorrupt,
> 
> I do not text about my duck.


I hope no pictures either


----------



## po boy




----------



## MO_cows

Every post I make is perfect. Spill chick tolled mi sew.


----------



## alida




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## alida




----------



## alida

I do!


----------



## Pony

alida said:


> I do!
> 
> View attachment 100233


I miss card catalogues. 

They actually were much better for our brains. The physical act of looking up the information, writing it down, and then physically going to the book(s) is good for us.


----------



## whiterock

Pony said:


> I miss card catalogues.
> 
> They actually were much better for our brains. The physical act of looking up the information, writing it down, and then physically going to the book(s) is good for us.


Writing in cursive using a dip pen is good too. Requires one to take their time, form the letters carefully, and think about what you are writing down. Does wonders for helping one to remember the information one is writing. Writing and copying notes in college was a major learning tool for me.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm

Why is the media not covering the fact that Raccoons are breaking wild hogs and riding them into battle against the opossums?


----------



## RJ2019

nchobbyfarm said:


> Why is the media not covering the fact that Raccoons are breaking wild hogs and riding them into battle against the opossums?
> 
> View attachment 100263


Is this real? Lol i feel stupid asking but did this really come off somebody's game cam captures?


----------



## nchobbyfarm

RJ2019 said:


> Is this real? Lol i feel stupid asking but did this really come off somebody's game cam captutes?


I saw in on the internet and thought it was hilarious. I have no idea of the origin of the photo. Sorry. My dog thinks I'm crazy for suddenly laughing out loud. Thought others might enjoy it too.


----------



## 67drake

If it’s not, it’s a good hoax. You can see the raccoons shadow in the brush from the camera flash.


----------



## 101pigs

67drake said:


> If it’s not, it’s a good hoax. You can see the raccoons shadow in the brush from the camera flash.


I hve a night camera 4 ft. out from my front door. One night after i tossed out some leftovers 4 young Deer, a ****, my two cats and two dogs were all there eating leftover food.


----------



## 101pigs

101pigs said:


> I hve a night camera 4 ft. out from my front door. One night after i tossed out some leftovers 4 young Deer, a Raccoon, my two cats and two dogs were all there eating leftover food.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Did I post this one already? Hmmm...


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## 67drake

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 100311


I do that too!


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Hiro




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

Social Distancing


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 100384


My son Colin has the chore of feeding my dogs. Every evening I call his name, then inform him it’s feeding time.
In true Pavlovian fashion, my dogs freak out every time I call out his name. It could be just 10 minutes after they ate.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Evons hubby

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 100424


But there’s a lotta guns out there!


----------



## Tom Horn

Evons hubby said:


> But there’s a lotta guns out there!


Did you hear about the 90 year old that was charged with attempted rape?

The actual charge was assault with a dead weapon.


----------



## 67drake

Not really funny, it’s a FACT!


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 100492


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy

Pony said:


> View attachment 100556


Those are the days I clean my house, and I could get thirsty.


----------



## Pony

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 100548


TRUTH!


----------



## Pony

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 100548


You forgot this pee can:


----------



## whiterock

Pony said:


> You forgot this pee can:
> 
> View attachment 100575


I had the same thought


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## muleskinner2

Why do the Taliban all wear robes?

Because goats can hear zippers.


----------



## muleskinner2

The Taliban are leaving the airport in Kabul, after the last American plane has left. They are all traveling in a convoy back into the city.
As the convoy is driving along they notice an American flag flying on a small hill a few hundred yards off the highway. And there is a single American
soldier standing next to the flag.

The Taliban commander orders the convoy to halt. He and his top advisers, huddle in conference around the lead vehicle.
"We must do something". The commander says. "The world press is watching, and we must show that we are in control."
After consulting with his advisers he orders, "Send our bravest, and fiercest warrior up that hill and kill the American.

So they pick out their best man and send him up the hill with orders to kill the American. After a few minutes they hear a single shot, then silence.
The American stands up and shakes his fist at the convoy. The Taliban commander is enraged, "Send five of our bravest and fiercest warriors up that
hill and kill that American", he orders.

The five bravest and most fierce of the Taliban charge up the hill, and fade into the rocks near the top of the hill. Five shots ring out, then silence.
Once again the lone American stands up and shakes his fist at the convoy. The Taliban commander is beside himself with rage. "Send five hundred
of our bravest most fierce warriors up there, and tell them to bring me the head of the American.

Five hundred of the bravest, fiercest of all the Taliban warriors assemble at the foot of the hill. Then begin to slowly advance up the hill. Taking advantage of every bit of cover, they advance in orderly fashion toward the top of the hill. Until finally they take cover behind the boulders near the top of the hill. There is a fierce exchange of rifle fire, and the sound of RPG's going off. For about thirty minutes the battle rages. Then silence.

Out from the dust and smoke at the top of the hill, a single Taliban warrior is seen staggering down the path. Slowly he limps to the foot of the hill, and
approaches the Taliban commander. Reaching the lead vehicle in the convoy, and staggering up to the Taliban commander. He stops too catch his
breath, and wiping the blood from his face he says, "It's a trap, it's a trap. It is a Army Ranger, and a US Marine, and they are drunk."


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Redlands Okie

From a caller that sounds like they are working in India ……..


----------



## Tom Horn

Redlands Okie said:


> From a caller that sounds like they are working in India ……..


Or the Philippines


----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Hiro

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 100798


Leave it all on the field.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy

po boy said:


> View attachment 100779


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## mnn2501

An old cowboy told his granddaughter that she would live longer if she sprinkled a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal in the morning. She followed his advice religiously and died recently at the age of 103, leaving behind six children, fourteen grandchildren, five great-grandchildren, and a 60 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


----------



## po boy

WOW! THE INSURANCE COMPANY HAS THIS GUY.S BACK.


----------



## 67drake




----------



## mreynolds

My real name is Lessco Brandon. How did you find out?


----------



## mreynolds

Duplicate because of slow, back woods internet.


----------



## po boy

Rent Moratorium!


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Evons hubby

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 101140


So true!


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy




----------



## no really




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Okay, I try hard to limit myself to one or two a day, but this one made me nod my head in agreement.


----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> Okay, I try hard to limit myself to one or two a day, but this one made me nod my head in agreement.
> 
> View attachment 101165


I hate that IHOP frozen butter they put on the pancake. That's what that picture looks like.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Okay, just one more... I promise... for now. LOL


----------



## Pony

Our local McDonald's is offering $14/hour to start.


----------



## 101pigs

Pony said:


> View attachment 100337


My Bear traps are made of 2x4" wood and wire. Just a little cage that they get trapped in. I load them up in Truck and drive them into the mountains and turn them loose.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Redlands Okie

Lol


----------



## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 101219


This reminds me of Ren and Stimpy: "Our country reeks of trees...."


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## 67drake

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 101241


I’ve done that. It wasn’t a sewer though, just a narrow deep crack my tire went in. I had to hit it as I heard a car coming up from behind and had to move closer to the curb. I’m sure they got quite a show as they passed. Worst road rash I ever had as I landed on my back.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> I’ve done that. It wasn’t a sewer though, just a narrow deep crack my tire went in. I had to hit it as I heard a car coming up from behind and had to move closer to the curb. I’m sure they got quite a show as they passed. Worst road rash I ever had as I landed on my back.


Ouch!


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## genebo




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Evons hubby

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 101301


So true!


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy

Manual door locks!


----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## muleskinner2

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 101303


Now that's funny.


----------



## Forcast

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 101303


Now Thats Funny


----------



## Forcast

po boy said:


> Manual door locks!
> View attachment 101305


Wait howd yo get in my gate


----------



## Redlands Okie

At least that manual lock was painted to match the truck


----------



## Forcast

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 101231
> 
> [/QUO





Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 100512


God Yes!


----------



## Forcast

Reddit - Unexpected - "I took a picture of my nuts!" - Plot Twist!

__
https://www.reddit.com/r/Unexpected/comments/9lr748


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 101334


So they DONT go in the woods then.


----------



## alida




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 101338


I am sharing this with almost everyone on my mailing list. Too funny, and too true!


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

*How To Clean Your Toilet - *








​

Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog


----------



## Tom Horn

*Son: Daddy, what is the difference between paranoia and schizophrenia?*

Dad: Paranoia is when you go to the toilet, when you're home alone, and lock the door behind you. And schizophrenia is when somebody knocks.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I quit smoking and nothing much is different. Except I can taste my food. I went to a friend's place for dinner and I was like... What's this zingy, zangy thing you're serving me here? Never tasted anything so zingy and zangy.*
... A boiled potato, eh? Huh.


----------



## Tom Horn

*ID is a funny abbreviation.*
The I stands for I and D strands for dentification.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I'm so thankful for dollar shave club*

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween*

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.


----------



## Tom Horn

*For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas*

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## 67drake




----------



## 67drake




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 101587


I can relate!


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Okay, just one more, I promise...


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## no really




----------



## no really




----------



## no really




----------



## no really




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

no really said:


> View attachment 101670


What? 

You didn't like the same one I posted 2 days ago? LOL


----------



## no really

Pony said:


> What?
> 
> You didn't like the same one I posted 2 days ago? LOL


Sorry I missed it!!!


----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## 67drake

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 101694


I couldn’t deal with that either


----------



## Pony

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 101694


I feel the need to photoshop that, and I am usually pretty mellow about "quirks" in kitchen design


----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 101697


Hit the like button because of my twisted sense of humor.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Forcast

po boy said:


> View attachment 101337


Oh God now that there is funny


----------



## Forcast

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 101664


Has been done on my kids


----------



## Forcast

nehimama said:


> View attachment 74556


I can relent

And i still have 2 cases of cookies the kids didnt sell from 1991


----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## po boy

Tis the season!


----------



## po boy




----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> View attachment 101753


Uh, what???


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

po boy said:


> View attachment 101761


Sixty-plus years ago a kid living near me bragged about his father spending $5 a week for gas. But back then that was most likely 10% of his weekly income.


----------



## mreynolds

Back in the 60's my father's neighbor bought a VW bug. He bragged that he would only have to gas up twice a month. 

My father and another neighbor took turns adding about a gallon or 2 of gas every night for a month. He never ran out the whole month. Then they started siphoning the gas they bought back out. He had to put gas in every 5 days the next month. 

He took that thing to the dealer all month but they couldn't find anything wrong with it. On month 3 the car fixed itself. Or so he thought it they never told him what they did. 

So if you want to know where I get it from, now you know.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## whiterock

Had a teacher once that drove a Beetle. We would pick it up and turn it sideways in the parking space.


----------



## Pony

whiterock said:


> Had a teacher once that drove a Beetle. We would pick it up and turn it sideways in the parking space.


One of the priests in the Catholic parish where I went to school had a beetle.

The HS football team picked it up and put it in the rectory garden.

Best. Move. Ever!


----------



## mreynolds

whiterock said:


> Had a teacher once that drove a Beetle. We would pick it up and turn it sideways in the parking space.


We took the band directors bug and put it on the stage. The band people got us footballers to help. He was a great guy though and we knew he would get a kick out of it. And he did. He directed the band while sitting on top of it that day then we had to put it back.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## TripleD

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 101781


In my teens I was at a stop light. Elderly lady in a Nova blew me away !!! I've tried to grow up...


----------



## Tom Horn

TripleD said:


> In my teens I was at a stop light. Elderly lady in a Nova blew me away !!! I've tried to grow up...


Growing up is overrated.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Danaus29

I can't wait until the site update is backdated so I can see these memes. 

Why is it that many computer program updates require another update to fix what the last update just broke?


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

Danaus29 said:


> I can't wait until the site update is backdated so I can see these memes.
> 
> Why is it that many computer program updates require another update to fix what the last update just broke?


They're not "fixes." 

They're upgrades. :O


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> View attachment 101816


Good point.


----------



## Forcast

Me this morning. I had Robinhood a few years ago. But stopped . so for months robinhood was sending me emails to file my irs info. I finally went to my account. Think maybe i had some money left or made money on my stocks. I had 90 cents! Cant even buy a penny stock you need $1.00 in your account. Such is life.


----------



## mreynolds

Forcast said:


> Me this morning. I had Robinhood a few years ago. But stopped . so for months robinhood was sending me emails to file my irs info. I finally went to my account. Think maybe i had some money left or made money on my stocks. I had 90 cents! Cant even buy a penny stock you need $1.00 in your account. Such is life.


Uncle Joe needs that .25 cents now.


----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## StL.Ed

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> View attachment 101834


Then how is he gonna order ammo on-line??


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


----------



## po boy

po boy said:


> View attachment 101856


 Why is the content blocked?


----------



## Redlands Okie

I see the board about not trusting the government just fine


----------



## 67drake

po boy said:


> Why is the content blocked?


I see it. Check your computer, maybe your anti Brandon blocker setting is turned on.


----------



## po boy

67drake said:


> I see it. Check your computer, maybe your anti Brandon blocker setting is turned on.


Copied from F B, maybe something in the link


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## 67drake

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 101863


Not the younger generation


----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## 67drake

po boy said:


> View attachment 101877


Triple thumbs up!


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## no really

*Abbott And Costello’s ‘Who’s Been Vaccinated?’*


Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’

Lou: ‘Why not?’

Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’

Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’

Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’

Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’

Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’

Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’

Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’

Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’

Bud: ‘Yes.’

Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’

Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’

Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’

Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’

Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’

Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’

Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’

Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’

Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’

Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’

Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.

Bud: ‘Ok.’

Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’

Bud: ‘That’s right.’

Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’

Bud: ‘Certainly.’

Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’

Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’

Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’

Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’

Lou: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’

Bud: ‘That’s fine.’

Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’

Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’

Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’

Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’

Thanks, John Frahm.


----------



## mreynolds

You know your having a bad day when you are the only naked one at a gender reveal party.


----------



## Pony

Yes, I know there's a typo, but it's still funny.


----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses... The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."


----------



## po boy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 101949


*YES!!!!*


----------



## Pony




----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

MO_cows said:


> View attachment 101960


Did anyone else "hear" this in Emo Phillips' voice?


----------



## Redlands Okie

I am seeing a lot of “view the attachment”. Used to see the picture or meme. Is my end of the program messing up or is something going on ?


----------



## nchobbyfarm

Redlands Okie said:


> I am seeing a lot of “view the attachment”. Used to see the picture or meme. Is my end of the program messing up or is something going on ?


I see that when someone quotes a post with a meme. The quote function brings the post but not the meme that is attached.


----------



## Pony

You can order it with flies and a croak.


----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## MO_cows

Is it this site or my phone? I have to hit view to see the memes now. Really sucks the fun out of it. Can't just scroll down the page. Sigh....first world problems....


----------



## Pony

MO_cows said:


> Is it this site or my phone? I have to hit view to see the memes now. Really sucks the fun out of it. Can't just scroll down the page. Sigh....first world problems....


Can you click on "view as desktop" on your phone?


----------



## MO_cows

Pony said:


> Can you click on "view as desktop" on your phone?


I hit the "web view" from the menu up in the right corner, no change. I didn't change any settings, not sure if my phone did an auto update or the site changed something.


----------



## Redlands Okie

Same viewing problem here on I phone. 


It is annoying. Sometimes I click on the same meme more than once. Getting tired of laughing over and over at the same joke


----------



## 67drake

I wonder if this is a big seller?





JEGS 63628: Ex-Girlfriend Fuel Fragrance 4 oz. Bottle - JEGS High Performance


fuel additive EX-GIRLFRIEND fragrance safe for Internal Combustion Engines, Injectors, Carburetors, Oxygen Sensors & Catalytic Converters




www.jegs.com


----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> I wonder if this is a big seller?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> JEGS 63628: Ex-Girlfriend Fuel Fragrance 4 oz. Bottle - JEGS High Performance
> 
> 
> fuel additive EX-GIRLFRIEND fragrance safe for Internal Combustion Engines, Injectors, Carburetors, Oxygen Sensors & Catalytic Converters
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.jegs.com


This reminds me of an old SNL "commercial" in which Jane Curtin and Gilda Radner play the role of two suburban housewives, women who are tired of stinky car exhaust.

Darned if I can remember the name of the product, but I do remember Gilda happily spraying it into the carb, whilst Jane stood by the tailpipe, breathing in as though it was the most expensive French perfume.

If anyone can locate that video, I would be incredibly grateful, for at least 10 minutes.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

Story goes that husband is waiting for his wife to go in store... I'll be right back.


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> This reminds me of an old SNL "commercial" in which Jane Curtin and Gilda Radner play the role of two suburban housewives, women who are tired of stinky car exhaust.
> 
> Darned if I can remember the name of the product, but I do remember Gilda happily spraying it into the carb, whilst Jane stood by the tailpipe, breathing in as though it was the most expensive French perfume.
> 
> If anyone can locate that video, I would be incredibly grateful, for at least 10 minutes.


Yeah, I don’t remember that one. Must not have been as popular as the Bass O Matic.


----------



## Danaus29

Pony said:


> This reminds me of an old SNL "commercial" in which Jane Curtin and Gilda Radner play the role of two suburban housewives, women who are tired of stinky car exhaust.
> 
> Darned if I can remember the name of the product, but I do remember Gilda happily spraying it into the carb, whilst Jane stood by the tailpipe, breathing in as though it was the most expensive French perfume.
> 
> If anyone can locate that video, I would be incredibly grateful, for at least 10 minutes.


Not the video clip but a transcript of the skit









SNL Transcripts: The Rolling Stones: 10/07/78: Autoscent - SNL Transcripts Tonight


Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 1



snltranscripts.jt.org


----------



## Pony

Danaus29 said:


> Not the video clip but a transcript of the skit
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> SNL Transcripts: The Rolling Stones: 10/07/78: Autoscent - SNL Transcripts Tonight
> 
> 
> Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 1
> 
> 
> 
> snltranscripts.jt.org


YOU ARE MY HERO!!!!!


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> Yeah, I don’t remember that one. Must not have been as popular as the Bass O Matic.


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


>


I don’t think I’ve ever ever seen that one!


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> I don’t think I’ve ever ever seen that one!


It was new to me, too!


----------



## Forcast

Pony said:


> This reminds me of an old SNL "commercial" in which Jane Curtin and Gilda Radner play the role of two suburban housewives, women who are tired of stinky car exhaust.
> 
> Darned if I can remember the name of the product, but I do remember Gilda happily spraying it into the carb, whilst Jane stood by the tailpipe, breathing in as though it was the most expensive French perfume.
> 
> If anyone can locate that video, I would be incredibly grateful, for at least 10 minutes.


This might help someone find the video.





SNL Transcripts: The Rolling Stones: 10/07/78: Autoscent | SNL Transcripts Tonight


Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 178a: The Rolling StonesAutoscentPat.....Gilda RadnerJoan.....Jane CurtinPat: Hi, Joan!Joan:…



snltranscripts.jt.org


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> View attachment 102116


Hey, have you heard the one about the chicken, the horse and the Mercedes?


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> View attachment 102170


There was shrinkage!


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

I hope to see more like this


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 102253


That one’s hilarious. I sent it to mucho people already.


----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 102253


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 102255


Your cat one with big juicy hind leg?

No, we no see him.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> Your cat one with big juicy hind leg?
> 
> No, we no see him.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 102298


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

*
Not to mention the fortuitous placement of the shots...*


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy

Pony said:


> View attachment 102308


What, no thumbs up or down flag?


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 102308


I took your advice about friending on Facebook and applied it; here's what happened.

So I have been trying to make friends outside of Facebook and thought I would try applying the same practices. Today I go outside my building and just start walking down the street. As I pass by people I let them know what I had to eat, how I feel right now, what I did last night, what I will do later etc... I thought it would be interesting to hand out pictures of my family, my dog and me doing some of my favorite things. If they were talking I would stop to listen to their conversation and then give them the good old "thumbs up" and let them know I like them.

So it actually worked!!!! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.


----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 102308


----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> View attachment 102365


----------



## Tom Horn

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lockheed_AC-130


----------



## Tom Horn

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fairchild_Republic_A-10_Thunderbolt_II


----------



## Hiro




----------



## 67drake

Hiro said:


> View attachment 102376


Who is that?


----------



## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> Who is that?



*Thomas Binger








*


----------



## Redlands Okie

Prosecutor Thomas Binger, prosecutor at Kenosha?


----------



## 67drake

Ah,OK, now it makes sense!
Guess I didn’t recognize him not pointing a rifle at someone.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## 67drake

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 102381


Florida man passes out at beach


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Hiro

This one is HAHA, rather than hehe:


----------



## Hiro

This one is HAHA, rather than hehe:

View attachment 102384


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

BTW, just have to say...

Not bragging or anything, but I have the same medical degree Bill Gates does.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## anabelarto

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

This one is for Thursday:


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 102468


My kids, as I right of passage, were required to watch Bullitt with me. (Well, and MP Holy Grail, The Blues Brothers, and Animal House )


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> My kids, as I right of passage, were required to watch Bullitt with me. (Well, and MP Holy Grail, The Blues Brothers, and Animal House )


My tribe would love hanging out with your tribe!


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> My tribe would love hanging out with your tribe!


There’s a few more, but didn’t want to drone on and on. 
Being from Chicago, Blues Brothers movie is a mandatory movie IMO, even if my kids were all born in Wisconsin. Maybe when I have time I’ll post my traumatic incident at the theater when I saw it.


----------



## po boy




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## Pony




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Pony




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## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 102520


That dog now has a Chinese name, Wun Hung Lo


----------



## no really




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## po boy




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## Hiro




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## Pony




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## Pony

no really said:


> View attachment 102528


I want that shirt! But with "cows and goats" instead of horses

Unless I can talk DH into some nice pit ponies...


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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 102532



The static electricity generated by that outfit could knock out an elephant.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## no really




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




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## Pony




----------



## Pony

.....


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## Hiro




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## Pony




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## Hiro




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Tom Horn

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 102615


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

120 years ago nearly everyone had a horse, now nearly everyone has a car and mostly just the rich have horses.

My how the stables have turned.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## nchobbyfarm




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## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 102632


I knew a lady once. She received an amount of money every year on Jan 1. It was 8 million dollars. Every Jan 1. Her father set it up. By March she was broke. She had horses. I would do work for her from Christmas until spring break. Then I would do work elsewhere. 

Her father and my father were good friends so I felt that I needed to help out as I could. Her and her wife could really go through the money. Sometimes I would help out later in the year so the horses would not starve. 

How do you go through 8 million in 3 months?


----------



## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 102638



Horseback riding in Jamaica my horse went into the ocean and didn't want to come back out. He kept swimming out like he was going to the Cayman Islands. You can't rein them in deep water or you'll drown them. I thought I was gonna have to bail and swim back until he realized he was out too far and came back. Was a scary moment for sure for me as I am a plowboy first and cowboy is about 12 down on the list.


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## po boy




----------



## MoonRiver

If you like puns


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

*If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?*

To congress.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

*Two policemen are walking down the street in Washington D.C....*

...when they spot a guy standing next to the Congress holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".


----------



## Tom Horn

*I met a conspiracy theorist in Israel the other day.*

He kept ranting about Jews secretly not controlling the government.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...*

The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.*

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A woman walks onto a bus*

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby. As she scans her card, the bus driver looks up to her and says, "Have a sea... Whoa, that is an ugly baby!!".
The lady is shocked and shields the baby with her hand and takes a seat. She just sits there getting more and more angry. The man sitting next to her asks what's wrong.

She says, "That bus driver insulted me the moment I stepped onto this bus. He's a government employee!"

"You don't have to put up with that," the man said.

"You know what, you're right! I'm going to go up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"Good for you! I'll hold your monkey."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why don't government employees look out of the window in the morning?*

So they have something to do in the afternoon!


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man goes into a bar where, instead of drinks, they sell words and phrases...*

he asks the barman if they sell entendres. The barman says "yes" so the man says "ok, I'll have a double" and the barman says "oh, you mean a large one".


----------



## Tom Horn

*I feel bad for the homeless guy*

"I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever"


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 102816


Your gonna have to explain that one. Is that Reba?


----------



## Evons hubby

mreynolds said:


> Your gonna have to explain that one. Is that Reba?


Yup, that’s Reba Mac in tire!


----------



## 67drake

Evons hubby said:


> Yup, that’s Reba Mac in tire!


Doh! I thought it was Reba Double Quarterpounder in tire.


----------



## Pony

Evons hubby said:


> Yup, that’s Reba Mac in tire!


DING! DING! DING!


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## Pony




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## nchobbyfarm

Pony said:


> View attachment 102829


Bravo!


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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

*My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation.*

I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“


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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## po boy




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 102855


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

*An older, disheveled man walks into a bar** I'm in...*

..sits down next to me and orders a shot of Absinthe.
He slams it back, leans to the side and rips a fart out loud that audibly sounds out "hhhhhhonnnnnda."

He orders another shot of Absinthe.
Again, another audible "hhhhonnnda" fart.

This happens four more times.

Finally, the man pays his tab and leaves.

I look at the bartender as he's wiping some beer mugs dry and say, "what was THAT all about?"

He says " Well... It's like they say...

Absinthe makes the farts go Honda."


----------



## Tom Horn

*When a young woman moves in next door to a married couple*

A young woman moves next to a married couple.

One day, the wife looks out of the window and sees the woman hanging her laundry to dry and it's dirty.

She says to her husband "Why is her laundry so dirty? Does she not know how to do laundry properly? Maybe she has bad laundry detergent?"

The husband doesn't say a word.

Time and time again, the married couple sees the young woman hanging her laundry to dry and every time it is dirty.

Then one day, the wife sees that all of a sudden the woman's laundry is perfectly spotless.

She says to her husband "i wander what she did to make her laundry so clean."

The husband replies "I got up early today and cleaned our windows."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Recently the police were called to the residence of an elderly couple. The Sergent radios the station that the wife has shot the husband.*

The Chief at the station stammers "What? Why?" The Sgt. calls back "Well, apparently she warned him about walking on her freshly mopped floors one more time...The Chief is in utter disbelief "Did you go and arrest her??" The Sgt. said not yet. Chief asked what the heck he's waiting for. Sgt. radios back "The floor still isn't dry..."


----------



## Tom Horn

*What does the pope use to dry his hands?*

Papal Towels.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.*

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Mrs. Jones has finished her laundry and now she is outside hanging it up to dry.*

She looks up and sees a flock of terns flying nearby. She goes in the kitchen for a coffee and when she comes back out she sees that the terns have flown over and crapped on her laundry. Upset with what has just happened, she takes the laundry down, goes back in the house and washes it again. She comes back out sometime later and hangs the clothes up on the line a second time.

She goes back in the house for a bit. Going back outside she sees that the terns have come back and crapped all over her laundry again. Determined not to have this happen a third time, Mrs. Jones grabs a handful of stones and throws them at the terns killing all but one.

She rewashes the laundry one last time and hangs it up on the line convinced that she won’t have any more problems with the birds. As soon as she finishes hanging up the last piece of laundry the one remaining tern flies over and craps all over her.

The moral of the story is leave no tern unstoned.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## po boy




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## Pony




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## no really




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## no really




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## no really




----------



## whiterock

no really said:


> View attachment 102899


I would be afraid the ice would melt


----------



## mreynolds

whiterock said:


> I would be afraid the ice would melt


With the flapper down it should not leak. Then when your through you could just flush the water to put the fire out.


----------



## TripleD

mreynolds said:


> With the flapper down it should not leak. Then when your through you could just flush the water to put the fire out.


That's better than squat and pee!!!


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## nchobbyfarm




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## Pony




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## nchobbyfarm

I got pulled over on HWY 90 for going 7 mph over the speed limit. 🚓

As the officer started walking up to my truck, i rolled my windows down ..... 🚙

My adorable and apparently INCREDIBLY smart 7 yr old Granddaughter, started screaming from the backseat:

“It’s coming out!!!!!” 😱😱😱😱😱😱
“I can’t hold it any longer Paw Pawwww”😳😳😳😳
“It’s almost here!!!!!!!! Paw Pawwww!!!”

Now the trooper is HEARING her scream this....
and he stands up on my brush guard leans in the window and asks her “What’s going on here???”

She looks him 💀 DEAD IN THE FACE 💀

And says “I’ve got poop coming outta my butt!!”🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

He started laughing 😂😂😂😂
I must have looked shocked and embarrassed 😭😭😭😭😭

He asked how far I had to go, which was about 2 miles home. He told me to drive safe and get Miss Thang home to do her business. He could NOT stop laughing😂😂😂

As soon as we pulled away I asked “What the hell was that about???”😳😳😳😳😳😳

This kid, smirked and said “I saw it on YouTube but I didn’t think it would work”🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I said “So...... You're not pooping 💩?”
She said nope and you're not in trouble either.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock*

"1:30am, rats. I need to go home now or my wife's going to kill me", he thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So, he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder.

At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out.

The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?"

The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some friends... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers."

The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you moron."


----------



## Tom Horn

*After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.*

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky


----------



## Tom Horn

*I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it's a sobering reminder of why...*

...there's never any money in there.


----------



## Tom Horn

*When my wife said she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober, all I could think was...*

What the heck, I got married?


----------



## Tom Horn

*I am so grateful to say I've been sober since 2015*

Or for those that don't use military time, since 8:15 p.m. last night.


----------



## Tom Horn

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn

*A deckhand comes up to the pirate captain.*

"The cannons be ready, Captain," he reports.

"Are," the captain scornfully replies.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> View attachment 102965


----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Yule Brenner, tide and joy?


----------



## Danaus29

Yuletide joy


----------



## 67drake

Danaus29 said:


> Yuletide joy


Aha. I’m dense. I also thought something with king, but couldn’t figure that one out.


----------



## Danaus29

Density happens to each of us at times.


----------



## Tom Horn

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...


----------



## Tom Horn

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


----------



## Tom Horn

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


----------



## RJ2019




----------



## Tom Horn

*Wife: What is ethereal?!*

Me: It’s what Mike Tyson has big bowl of every morning!


----------



## Tom Horn

*When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed.*

So the doctor she asked, "What's wrong?"

"Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"

"Uh," stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon.

"You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A group of grade school kids, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Saratoga to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.*

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in fourth grade.'

'No, love,' he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2:15!


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

*The winner of the Kentucky Derby has been invited to the White House.*

The stallion declined, stating: "If I wanted to look at a horse's a*s, I would've come in second".


----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

*Hermaphrodite...*

A woman gives birth to a baby. Shortly afterward, the doctor comes into the room looking grim faced. The woman sees this and panics.

"Doctor, is my baby ok?"

"Yes", the doctor replies. "But, Mrs. Johnson, I must tell you that your baby was born a hermaphrodite."

"A... hermaphro-whaaat???"

"A hermaphrodite, Mrs. Johnson. Essentially, your baby was born with the same body parts pertaining to both a male AND a female."

The woman thinks about this.

"So... let me get this straight, doctor. You're telling me that my baby was born with both a penis AND a brain???"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed?*

Only women get stoned.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.*

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But I had a problem, I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting.

Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.*

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

The U.S., not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?*

Low rents of Arabia.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Little Timmy asked his mother why the American government keeps sending soldiers to Middle East*

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."

After Timmy did what his mother told him to do, his mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. 

Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that, with a confused mind and a pair of greasy hands, little Timmy told his mother," I don't see the reason why are we doing this," and his mother answered, "It doesn't matter what the reasons are, just tell me what's in your hands now after all the things you did."

"Nothing but oil." Timmy replied.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

*Did you hear that Donald Trump converted to Judaism?*

He heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with orange jews.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

*Due to supply chain issues, Wheel of Fortune players will be limited to three vowel purchases per show until further notice. -- Pat Sajak*


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony

*You can give your wife diamonds, jewels, and a new car, but the present she will never, EVER forget is the time you give her a mop.*


----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> *You can give your wife diamonds, jewels, and a new car, but the present she will never, EVER forget is the time you give her a mop.*


Hindsight is 20/20.


----------



## mreynolds

mreynolds said:


> Hindsight is 20/20.


That's if you have any eyes left to see with.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Last one. I'm up too late, but I really like this one.


----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 103159


All in all.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> View attachment 103186



This guy had the same trouble.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

*Some say that the **English** language is hard to learn.*

But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The English language*

If writers write, why don't fingers fing, grocers groce, or hammers ham?

You have fingertips but you don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe, but you can't tipfinger.


----------



## Tom Horn

*His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.*

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,

'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

….and you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?

That, Carson is complete composure, or aplomb."


----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

*As I'm roaming in London, a British man walks up to me and says: Hey, you're an Indian, tell me why do you put that dot above the eyes?*

I sighed a bit and replied: It's stupid, isn't it? Well, it's called a "tittle" and it's one of those idiosyncrasies of the English language that I could never understand.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Big_John

Pony said:


> View attachment 103196


Walked into a store two years ago and they had old Red Riders on sale for $25 a piece. Bought two of them, along with 5,000 BB's. The grand kids love, love, love to visit and shoot pop cans.


.......


----------



## Tom Horn

*Sven and Ole are two fictional Norwegian** immigrants who live in Minnesota. *

Sven is vacationing at his cabin in northern Minnesota and happens to get in line at a Dairy Queen.

An Indian (native American) man approaches him and makes a proposition.

Indian Man: Hey I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, if you can't than you buy me one.

Sven: Sure, I like riddles.

Indian Man: They are my father's child but not my brother. They are my mother's child but not my sister. Who are they?

Sven: I have no idea. Who are they?

Indian Man: Me! Good riddle huh?

Sven: Yes, a very good one.

So, he buys the man an ice cream.

His vacation is over and he in back southern Minnesota. He is also in line at a Dairy Queen.

He spots his friend Ole nearby and decides to try to get a free ice cream.

Sven: Hey Ole! I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I will buy you an ice cream, if you can't than you buy me one.

Ole: Ok. I like riddles.

Sven: Ok then. They are my father's child but not my brother. They are my mother's child but not my sister. Who are they?

Ole: I don't know. Who is it?

Sven: Some Indian guy up north.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Have you heard about the Swedish mutation of Covid-19?*

You have to assemble it yourself.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Swedish man was walking through London*

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused about the 'ough' sound. In 'through', it makes an 'oo' sound. In 'plough', it makes an 'ow' sound. And in 'though' it makes an 'oh' sound. I just can't figure it out."

The Englishman just chuckled and said, "Tough."


----------



## Tom Horn

*80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.*

Personally, I think it’s just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.*

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding on a train.

The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.

The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.

The old Dutch woman thinks: "He must have groped the young Swedish woman, and she slapped him."

The young Swedish woman thinks: "He must have tried to grope me, and accidentally got the old woman, and she slapped him."

The Englishman thinks: "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl, and she accidentally slapped me."

The Irishman thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.*

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown but grow up to be light brown color."

The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."

"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains.

"Well," the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the stall and lands in a pile of hay.

"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.

"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."


----------



## Tom Horn

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, "Hey there, what can I do you for?"

The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: "I'll take a yin, please!"

The bartender grows visibly upset. "Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You're another one o' them lousy immigrants coming through that don't know no good English. Get outta here and don't come back till you can order a drink proper!"

The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror.

"Yin. Yin. Yyy...inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!"

After weeks of practice, he's ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. "Hey, it's you again!" he yells. "I thought I told you to--"

But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. "Yes, I know. I would like to order a gin, please."

The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, "well, would you look at that? You've learned quite a bit! Alright, I'll get you that gin, sure thing. What would you like it with?"

The Swede answers, "yinyerale!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Sven and Ole*

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied “Ya, well I sew women’s underpants.” He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied, “Diesel fitter.” He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.

After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole’s check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole’s was. The manager told him, “Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.”

Sven’s anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says “Ya, diesel fitter.” What has that got to do with engines?”


----------



## Tom Horn

*An old man walks into a Catholic church and enters the confessional*

"Forgive me father for I have sinned..."

"What is your sin my son?" asks the priest

"Father, I am 82 years old. I have been faithfully married to my wife for 60 years. That is up until last night, when I spent all night making passionate love to twin 19yo blond Swedish girls..." says the old man.

"Oh my goodness!!" says the priest. "My son, how long has it been since your last confession?"

"I have never confessed before" admits the old man, "you see, I am Anglican"

"So why are you here telling me this?" asks the priest.

"I'm telling everyone!!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*What Do You Call Vegan Swedish Meatballs?*

Meatish Swedeballs


----------



## Tom Horn

*Costco Parking Lot Advice*

I noticed someone posted about a woman scamming people and it reminded me of a situation I had this afternoon at Costco.

There are these two beautiful Swedish twins that will offer you sex in the parking lot. While the one sister is working on you, the other will steel your wallet.

Now, I was able to get another 5 pack of wallets from inside Costco. But, they are now out of stock. Anyone know where I can get more?


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Nimrod

Ole and Lena came over on the boat from the old country. Dat Lena vas a big big voman don'tcha know. So dey vas going through immigration on dat Ellis island. Dat Lena vas a big big voman don'tcha know. Anyhow dey got dis really insolent customs clerk. He looked Lena up and down. Dat Lena vas a big big voman don'tcha know. He asked Lena if she came over here to play with the Green Bay Packers? Poor Lena vas really embarrassed. She turned 4 shades of red. She finally stammered out, "n n no, I only play mit Oley's packer."


----------



## NRA_guy

Study Finds Massive Spike In People Getting Shot By Alec Baldwin Under Biden Administration


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro

Pony said:


> View attachment 103399


The only way to truly fail is to give up trying to succeed.  

Though, these days secede from the insanity may be a better word (phrase) than succeed.


----------



## Pony

Hiro said:


> The only way to truly fail is to give up trying to succeed.
> 
> Though, these days secede from the insanity may be a better word (phrase) than succeed.


I love Katje Goat. Sue Weaver's writing is creative, but I want to know how she gets those goats to hold still while dressed up, especially @Minelson's wether, Pony. (What a lovely name for a goat!)


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

Sheetrock and paint make a carpenter what he ain't.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## mzgarden

@Pony - whatever happened to @Minelson?


----------



## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> Sheetrock and paint make a carpenter what he ain't.
> 
> View attachment 103427


I've seen worse in house construction. "If it can be hidden by sheetrock, it is good enough."

PS: I don't trust any worker guy who wears a flannel shirt, a tool belt, and safety boots while he is wearing shorts.


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> I've seen worse in house construction. "If it can be hidden by sheetrock, it is good enough."
> 
> PS: I don't trust any worker guy who wears a flannel shirt, a tool belt, and safety boots while he is wearing shorts.


Like these guys?


----------



## Pony

mzgarden said:


> @Pony - whatever happened to @Minelson?


Alive and well and living on the East Coast somewhere. I forget exactly where she landed. We text once in awhile.

For a short time, her goats were here with us, and then we realized that her little goats were not to be bred. At the time, we weren't able to accommodate them, so Sue Weaver and her husband came to pick them up.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

All the cats I ever had wouldn’t put that much thought into it though. They would have just latched onto my hand with their claws.


----------



## Tom Horn

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. 

"Let's have sex with a cat." said the zoophile. 

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. 

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. 

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. 

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. 

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."


----------



## Tom Horn

A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. 

While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. 

I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis." Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?" 

The doctor replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." 

The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?" 

"No", the doctor responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."


----------



## Tom Horn

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!


----------



## Tom Horn

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 103481


I figured some kid is looking for his cotton candy


----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 103481


From the Owens Corning line of women's accessories.


----------



## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> From the Owens Corning line of women's accessories.


Now I'll have Henry Mancini music in my head...


----------



## Hiro




----------



## NRA_guy

Has this been done?


----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro

Checkmate.

Checkmate, Libs: Man Declares His Pronouns Are Letsgo/Brandon


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 103525



Dayum, that made me laugh.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 103567


The original wireless point and click interface!

Drag and drop takes on a whole new meaning...


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

He did own her pretty good didnt he?


----------



## Pony

mreynolds said:


> He did own her pretty good didnt he?


Oh, yeah! T-totally pwned!


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## no really




----------



## no really




----------



## mreynolds

no really said:


> View attachment 103618


I saw a garbanzo bean crust pizza in the frozen food section today at the store. SMH


----------



## whiterock

Probably chick peas


----------



## mreynolds

whiterock said:


> Probably chick peas


Yes. That's what it was. 👍


----------



## Hiro

You guys let me know how it works out, if you take the friendly advice from this meme:


----------



## Evons hubby

Hiro said:


> You guys let me know how it works out, if you take the friendly advice from this meme:
> 
> View attachment 103626


Not me, I’m not losing any body parts while sleeping!


----------



## po boy




----------



## popscott




----------



## Pony

no really said:


> View attachment 103617


Yes it is! LOL


----------



## Pony

Darn. My attach is not working...


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Evons hubby

Pony said:


> View attachment 103649


Indeed!


----------



## Elevenpoint

Rare to see another vehicle on the way to work.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## nchobbyfarm

On a gas pump at a station just south of my house a couple miles.


----------



## 67drake

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 103703
> 
> 
> On a gas pump at a station just south of my house a couple miles.


You expect literacy?


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Alice In TX/MO

How to pronounce "Omicron" the Star Trek way.


Well, that cleared up any confusion.




www.wimp.com


----------



## Hiro

Alice In TX/MO said:


> How to pronounce "Omicron" the Star Trek way.
> 
> 
> Well, that cleared up any confusion.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.wimp.com


You don't have to be a Star Trek fan to know. But, it be may be a clue about competency on anything relevant to...anything medical, chemistry, physics, et al. Sorry about the punctuation.


----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## poppy

Alice In TX/MO said:


> How to pronounce "Omicron" the Star Trek way.
> 
> 
> Well, that cleared up any confusion.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.wimp.com



Looking back, that show doesn't seem strange at all compared to today.


----------



## 67drake

alida said:


> View attachment 103710


True


----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

po boy said:


> View attachment 103719


and a 10th grade English book that they failed to study in high school.


----------



## Elevenpoint

I bet nobody has a dog that drives, as skeptical as i was Suzy said she could.


----------



## whiterock

Elevenpoint said:


> View attachment 103720
> 
> I bet nobody has a dog that drives, as skeptical as i was Suzy said she could.


I had a blue heeler that would put her paw on my hand as I shifted a manual transmission.


----------



## Pony

whiterock said:


> I had a blue heeler that would put her paw on my hand as I shifted a manual transmission.


Everybody's an expert, right? LOL


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## nchobbyfarm

We had a baking challenge. I completed mine first and got back in my recliner before everyone else got their ingredients together. But finished last. I'm gonna protest the results!


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

*When you read these out loud (and you know you will!), try reading them with a British accent. *


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

More evidence of global warming.


----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> More evidence of global warming.
> View attachment 103842


Well, there goes my plan for breakfast...


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## 67drake

Hiro said:


> View attachment 103860


You and my wife both. I tell her she’s got expensive taste. I can get a GS or 442 for a fraction of the price.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> You and my wife both. I tell her she’s got expensive taste. I can get a GS or 442 for a fraction of the price.


Heck, I'd rather have the 442, even if it is an Olds. 

But if we're talking dream cars, I wouldn't mind the Shinoda Boss with the CobraJet engine. And I'd change the spoiler so it would be functional.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> Heck, I'd rather have the 442, even if it is an Olds.
> 
> But if we're talking dream cars, I wouldn't mind the Shinoda Boss with the CobraJet engine. And I'd change the spoiler so it would be functional.


A guy a couple blocks from me has an original ‘70 GS 455,4 speed car. No rust! Original engine gone, has a Chevy 396. Interior incomplete. I can get it for $8000. That’s a steal for a no rust car. I ran the numbers from the body tag and VIN to do a positive ID BTW. It’s midnight blue, was originally silver. I just hope he still has it when I settle my storage issues. It would be my next project.


----------



## 67drake

67drake said:


> A guy a couple blocks from me has an original ‘70 GS 455,4 speed car. No rust! Original engine gone, has a Chevy 396. Interior incomplete. I can get it for $8000. That’s a steal for a no rust car. I ran the numbers from the body tag and VIN to do a positive ID BTW. It’s midnight blue, was originally silver. I just hope he still has it when I settle my storage issues. It would be my next project.


Someday,maybe…..
Running and driving as it sits, just needs interior done, and lots of random things.
Anyway, sorry for thread drift.


----------



## whiterock

Reminds me a lot of college


----------



## MO_cows

Those were the days. When the used car market was all those great old muscle cars. Chevelles, Camaros, Mustangs, GTOs, we were driving those and thought nothing of it. If only we could have that 68 chevelle ss back.......


----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

MO_cows said:


> Those were the days. When the used car market was all those great old muscle cars. Chevelles, Camaros, Mustangs, GTOs, we were driving those and thought nothing of it. If only we could have that 68 chevelle ss back.......


When I graduated from college in 1969, I bought a 1969 Chevelle SS 396. It was our "family" car. It was only 325 HP (they came in 350 and 375 HP). It used premium gas, of course. (The only trouble I ever had was the styrofoam float in the Rochester 4-barrel carburetor would start absorb gas and start sinking every year or two and I would have to replace it.)

In those days, it was not considered fast. The Chargers, Super Bees, and Mustang Mach Ones were so much faster from a stop light, I didn't even compete. 

But before I lost my Chevelle (in a divorce around 1976), all those other muscle cars were either wrecked or rusted out or worn out and my Chevelle SS 396 was one of the quickest cars around.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 103927


We just watched that last week as a family, the only musical I can tolerate. I missed the scene of Julie flippin the bird, I must have the G rated version.


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 103928


Reminds me of a skit that Eric Idle would do on Monty Python.


----------



## 67drake

Speaking of MP. Short and to the point.


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> Speaking of MP. Short and to the point.


CLASSIC!


----------



## Pony

*This one is all @67drake's fault. If he hadn't put up MP fish slapping dance, I would not have thought of The Church Police - and this meme.  *


----------



## 67drake

My dog is afraid of the bishop. For obvious reasons.


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> My dog is afraid of the bishop. For obvious reasons.


Sure, your dog is afraid of the Bishop, but what about.....

HELL'S GRANNIES???!!!??


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Nimrod

You know all those government buildings,like the DMV, with marks on the floor that you are supposed to stand on supposedly for social distancing? I've seen far too many road runner cartoons to fall for that one.






Pony said:


> View attachment 103950


----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> View attachment 103983


Dang. I knew there was something I was supposed to pick up at the store today besides senior horse feed...


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## 67drake

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 104001


I wish we could post video here. When my son was in the Marines, and stationed in S. Korea, on leave one weekend they strapped a bunch of rockets to an inflatable doll. It was quite hilarious, but that’s JMO.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy

Pony said:


> View attachment 104011


Now, that right there is FUNNY! Thanks.


----------



## NRA_guy

Funny country song if you are an old r e d n e c k:


----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> Funny country song if you are an old r e d n e c k:


That what happens when an Okie from Muskogee visits the Haight-Ashbury district looking for love.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm

She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes.....


----------



## po boy




----------



## Evons hubby

po boy said:


> View attachment 104058


And 2022 is saying “hold my beer”!


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## mzgarden

Pony said:


> View attachment 104061




and, here's someone that maybe didn't do his homework before he named his 'drink-a-meal'

www.soylent.com

*Your Way to Better Nutrition* 
Save time. Reach your nutrition goals. Curb cravings. 
Soylent is the perfectly portioned meal for home or on-the-go


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

They are taking a risk of not wearing a mask!


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## nchobbyfarm

I have so many unanswered questions!!!! I still haven't found out who let the Dogs Out...where's the beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop......why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton... Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors... i still don't understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ....and what would you do for a Klondike bar and you know as soon as you bite into it it falls apart...and Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways? do you really think I am this witty?? ... I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby mama's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man...Now it is your turn to take it from me...Peace!!


----------



## Pony

Why do shipments go by car, but cargo goes by ship?


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy

This may be a dupe, but it's worth repeating:


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## 67drake




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Danaus29

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 104193


I'm slow, it took me a couple minutes.


----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

Looks more like a meth user from what I hear, but what do I know about drugs? (Nothing)


----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Nimrod

Pony said:


> View attachment 104234


had to copy the pic, put it in Photoshop, and blow it up to read what the packages said. The correct phrase id duck, duck, gray duck.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## mreynolds

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 104283
> 
> 
> 
> For people who dont know how to cook one.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony

I have to laugh at this, because every morning, I bring DH a cup of coffee in bed (he works second shift, and I want him to waken with a smile so he will come out and feed the stock with me).

Tomorrow morning... I'm going to wink HUGELY.

BWahahahahaha![/QUOTE]


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Today. I found out today. So I am Today Years Old.


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> Today. I found out today. So I am Today Years Old.
> 
> View attachment 104295


2 weeks short of age 57. I didn’t know either. I used to just fill them till the head of the beer was at the top, or the keg ran out, or I fell asleep under a table or pine tree in the yard.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro

Please be chicken:


----------



## alida




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## sharkerbaby

Pony said:


> Today. I found out today. So I am Today Years Old.
> 
> View attachment 104295


If this were true why the h*** did they leave off the 8 oz / 1 cup mark?


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> 2 weeks short of age 57. I didn’t know either. I used to just fill them till the head of the beer was at the top, or the keg ran out, or I fell asleep under a table or pine tree in the yard.


Can you fill one until the head of beer is on the bottom?

Physics question.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

From the Babylon Bee:
--------------------------------------------
*Tell Us What Kind Of Seating Your Church Has And We'll Tell You How Good Its Theology Is *

One key indicator of sound theology that many people overlook is church seating. Here's some information about the theological stance of the church you're joining based on the type of seats they use:

*Hard wooden pews -* Generally speaking, the harder the pew, the stronger the theology. So this church is either really strong theologically or else Catholic.

*Firmly cushioned pews - *You're probably at an old fundamental Baptist church, especially if the pews are the classic avocado color that was so popular 50 years ago. Your church's theology is strong and unchanging, just like the KJV Bible.

*Modern interlocking chairs - *This is where we start to get to some bad theology. The chairs interlock with one another much like this church interlocks with the sinful ways of the world. Tell your pastor you want to go back to pews. Return to the old paths!

*Folding chairs - *You're likely at a church plant held at an elementary school. Probably OK theology but watch out because they'll immediately recruit you to help with the children's ministry.

*Stumps in the woods - *Oh no! You're not at church -- you're part of an ancient druidic cult! RUUUUUN!!!

*Movie theater seating - *Soft, reclining chairs to match the soft, malleable theology of your celebrity pastor. Not good!

*Not a chair in sight -* If they've cleared the chairs away, be careful. You're at a Pentecostal revival night. Get ready to dodge people rolling around the floor like steamrollers. And watch out for the snakes - why'd it have to be snakes? (You could also be at a Russian Orthodox church -- the way to tell the difference is to look out for the smell of borscht.)

*Seats with stacks of hundred-dollar bills lining the upholstery - *You're at Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas.

*Golden thrones - *You're on TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network).

*Your couch at home - *Oh no! You're not at church -- you're just watching a preacher online. Go to church, you heathen!


----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> From the Babylon Bee:
> --------------------------------------------
> *Tell Us What Kind Of Seating Your Church Has And We'll Tell You How Good Its Theology Is *
> 
> One key indicator of sound theology that many people overlook is church seating. Here's some information about the theological stance of the church you're joining based on the type of seats they use:
> 
> *Hard wooden pews -* Generally speaking, the harder the pew, the stronger the theology. So this church is either really strong theologically or else Catholic.
> 
> *Firmly cushioned pews - *You're probably at an old fundamental Baptist church, especially if the pews are the classic avocado color that was so popular 50 years ago. Your church's theology is strong and unchanging, just like the KJV Bible.
> 
> *Modern interlocking chairs - *This is where we start to get to some bad theology. The chairs interlock with one another much like this church interlocks with the sinful ways of the world. Tell your pastor you want to go back to pews. Return to the old paths!
> 
> *Folding chairs - *You're likely at a church plant held at an elementary school. Probably OK theology but watch out because they'll immediately recruit you to help with the children's ministry.
> 
> *Stumps in the woods - *Oh no! You're not at church -- you're part of an ancient druidic cult! RUUUUUN!!!
> 
> *Movie theater seating - *Soft, reclining chairs to match the soft, malleable theology of your celebrity pastor. Not good!
> 
> *Not a chair in sight -* If they've cleared the chairs away, be careful. You're at a Pentecostal revival night. Get ready to dodge people rolling around the floor like steamrollers. And watch out for the snakes - why'd it have to be snakes? (You could also be at a Russian Orthodox church -- the way to tell the difference is to look out for the smell of borscht.)
> 
> *Seats with stacks of hundred-dollar bills lining the upholstery - *You're at Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas.
> 
> *Golden thrones - *You're on TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network).
> 
> *Your couch at home - *Oh no! You're not at church -- you're just watching a preacher online. Go to church, you heathen!



Why'd it have to be snakes?


----------



## NRA_guy

Sign on the wall in a local fast food restaurant (not a Buc-ee's truck stop):









The men's restroom only has 1 urinal, 1 commode, and 1 lavatory.

The sign is actually the maximum occupancy load for the entire restaurant.

The manager saw me taking the photo and ask me why I was taking it. I showed it to him, and he laughed.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## NRA_guy

Pony said:


> View attachment 104386


Will a .357 mag or 12 gauge 00 buckshot work?


----------



## po boy

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104387


CDC *Can't Defeat Covid*


----------



## Hiro

po boy said:


> CDC *Can't Defeat Covid*


CDC - Center of Disinformation and Confusion


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## 67drake

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104396


None shall pass!


----------



## Pony

NRA_guy said:


> Will a .357 mag or 12 gauge 00 buckshot work?


Maybe if they were silverplate...


----------



## Pony

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104397


Heard Rick Astley on the radio this morning, while driving to the office.

I wondered if anyone remembered Rick Rolling.

I am gratified that at least one person does.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth
when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence, taking in the whole event.
The man thought to himself,
“Great. He’s four and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
“Well son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed boy.
“Just how fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”


44


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Evons hubby

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 104434


Yeppers!! There could be crocogators in that thing!!


----------



## no really




----------



## po boy

no really said:


> View attachment 104444


That happens to me when my dog finds the gate open.


----------



## no really




----------



## Alice In TX/MO

I have a 68 year old friend who is ADHD, ADD, OCD, and probably some other alphabet things. He ALWAYS interrupts conversations.

I saw this video. and it reminded me of him.









Man got a new guitar but his bird wants the spotlight.


I think Frank the bird is laughing more than actually singing along with his brother's YouTube debut.




www.wimp.com


----------



## no really




----------



## nchobbyfarm

B!


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy

*Taking medical advice from Anthony Fauci is like taking firearm lessons from Alec Baldwin. - Anonymous*


----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## no really




----------



## po boy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## NRA_guy

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104523


Great cartoon. Have I already posted the following similar comic strip regarding deer hunters?


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

My cousin has two tickets for the 2022 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St. Joseph Church, in Tampa at 3pm. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'1, about 140 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.


----------



## Oregon1986

po boy said:


> My cousin has two tickets for the 2022 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St. Joseph Church, in Tampa at 3pm. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'1, about 140 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.


I believe he would find himself newly single lol


----------



## po boy

po boy said:


> View attachment 104531


----------



## Hiro

I think I found @GunMonkeyIntl making a statement on a plane:

Ungovernable


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Oregon1986

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104544


For men? Pfft that's my kind of food


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Oregon1986

Pony said:


> View attachment 104551


That is so messed up lol


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy

This could have been my sign work..


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

*BECOME UNGOVERNABLE: LEGEND FLIES WITH FRENCH FRY IN HIS MOUTH FOR OVER AN HOUR JUST TO NOT WEAR A MASK*


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

Hiro said:


> I think I found @GunMonkeyIntl making a statement on a plane:
> 
> Ungovernable


Hey. If they insist on making stupid rules, they have to expect stupid responses.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> Hey. If they insist on making stupid rules, they have to expect stupid responses.


I think that's a fabulous response. Throw it right into their faces!


----------



## 67drake

po boy said:


> *BECOME UNGOVERNABLE: LEGEND FLIES WITH FRENCH FRY IN HIS MOUTH FOR OVER AN HOUR JUST TO NOT WEAR A MASK*
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 104565


I told my sister, who just flew to Hawaii yesterday, to try this on the return flight. Maybe I’ll consider traveling again. Back when we were masking at work, I would often walk around with a coffee cup in my hand. Hey, I’m drinking my coffee!


----------



## Hiro




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro

To save time, Biden to ship 500 million masks directly to the landfill.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?*

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depends".


----------



## Tom Horn

*Presidential*

Jill and Joe Biden go to a steakhouse for dinner. Jill says, I will have the petite filet medium rare with a baked potato with sour cream and butter. The waiter asks, What about your vegetable? Jill replies, oh, he'll have the same.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open*

17 are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from


----------



## Tom Horn

*Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today*

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.


----------



## Tom Horn

*There lil Johnny sat in the back of class...*

as the teacher announced that "Today, if the students could name the famous Americans who said these famous quotes, they could go home early."

Excited, the whole class perked up.

"First one." Mr. Jones said. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Every student's hand was up. Both of Johnny's were up because he Really knew the answer. But instead, Mr. Jones called on Rachel in the front row.

"It was Franklin Roosevelt." She said confidently.

"Very good, Rachel. You can leave early."

"Number Two. Tear down this wall."

Again, all hands shot up. Johnny was reaching for the ceiling. But instead, Mr. Jones called on Timmy near the front.

"Was it Ronald Reagan?"

"It was, Timmy. You'll be going home early too."

Johnny was getting pissed

"Number three. Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."

Hands all went up, but Johnny was starting to think it was a rigged game.

"Samantha?"

"That was John F. Kennedy."

"Very good, Samantha. Okay. Number four."

Johnny, who was now belligerent, shouted from the back of class. "Will you shut up, man!"

Furious, Mr. Jones yelled. "Who said That?!"

Johnny jumped up on his desk. "Joe Biden! Woo-hoo! I'm going home early!"


----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Biden strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.

This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Biden and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

Joe, ever the intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."


----------



## Pony

* Three Contractors*

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. 
One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. 

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. 

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil. 

“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $9,000. That’s $4,000 for materials, 
$4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.” 

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 
“I can do this job for $7,000. That’s $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew 
and $1,000 profit for me.” 

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the 
White House official and whispers, “$27,000.” 

The official, incredulous, says: “You didn’t even measure like the other guys. 
How did you come up with such a high figure? ” 

The Chicago contractor whispers back: “$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, 
and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.” 

“Done!” replies the government official. 

And that, my friends, is how the $3.5 trillion Build Back Better legislation will work.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## Digitalis

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104505


I've always dreamed of having a drawbridge! Maybe some day...


----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 104702


----------



## Hiro

My poor wife has to endure accusations before I say these things:


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Danaus29

Hiro said:


> My poor wife has to endure accusations before I say these things:
> 
> View attachment 104712


Hahahaha! I can relate. We are currently searching for a soldering iron that he swears he put in a special place.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Walking Eagle*

While meeting with leaders of the Native American tribes, Don Lemon overheard them speaking to each other about "Walking Eagle."

Lemon pulled one of the leaders aside and asked who "Walking Eagle" was.

"Oh," said the elder, "that's our name for Joe Biden."

Lemon beamed. "Such an interesting nickname! What did he do to deserve Walking Eagle?"

The elder chuckled. "We give names that speak to the truth of people, some more fanciful than others. Biden is Walking Eagle because sometimes he is too full of sh*t to fly!"


----------



## Tom Horn

*Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...*

... At first, they favored a Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Robert Mason.

Cardinal Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough landing in a forest. Unfortunately, he hurt his arm very badly. Once he made it back to an Allied base, doctors were forced to amputate the arm.

After his military service, Cardinal Mason enrolled in Notre Dame's seminary program and became a priest. Following his ordination, his first assignment was to an African mission in a small town near a silver mine.

Courageous hero that he was, Cardinal Mason was awoken abruptly one evening due to an accident in the silver mine. A fire had broken out deep within the mine and parts of the mine shaft were beginning to collapse. But he ran into the mine, heedless of the danger warnings being yelled at him.

While he continually searched for more survivors to drag to safety, a wooden support beam snapped and a piece of it stabbed Cardinal Mason in his eye, which would be lost to him from that moment onward.

With his one arm and last remaining eye, he persevered, going deeper into the blazing fire of the silver mine. The burning silver acted as a severe skin irritant and actually changed the hue of his skin to a purplish color. Still, in the end, he managed to save 28 people.

This was the Cardinal considered prior to Pope Benedict XVI's selection. Although the vote was close, the College of Cardinals decided that the world wasn't ready...

...

... (Are you ready for this?)

...

... For a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.


----------



## Tom Horn

*When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the priest if he could have a funeral service for his **much-loved pet, but the priest explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.*

Paddy asked who would and the priest suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Father, do you think 4,500 euros would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The priest relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"


----------



## Tom Horn

Two nuns at a Catholic Church near me got pregnant.

On an unrelated note, they had dressed up as altar boys for Halloween.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A red-neck goes up to a Catholic church in the South*

He stands there for a little while and soon an old lady walks up to him

She asks, "Excuse me sir, is mass out"

He tips his hat and says, "No ma'am but your hat's on crooked"


----------



## Tom Horn

*What does the Catholic Church and Hollywood have in common?*

They both have a sense of moral superiority while their elites are sex offenders.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A drunken man staggers **into** a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box.*

He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.

The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.

Five minutes pass. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then clenches his fist and furiously knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A rabbi and a Catholic priest sit together on a bus and start talking about ranks in the Catholic church...*

- "So after becoming bishop and maybe archbishop, they can be appointed as cardinals?", asked the Rabbi.

- "That's right.", replied the priest.

- "And only cardinals can become pope?", continued the Rabbi.

- "Not necessarily, but usually yes.", said the priest.

- "And what's next? Can someone become God?", inquired the rabbi.

- "No! Never!"

- "Well, one of ours did."


----------



## Tom Horn

*Two Jews are standing in front of a catholic church...*

...where a sign is outside that says "Become Catholic today and receive 100 $".

Jew 1 says; Nice, I think I am gonna do this.

Jew 2 says; No, you can't just change your religion like that!

Jew 1 says; Yes I can, and 100 bucks is 100 bucks!

So Jew 1 goes in and comes back half an hour later.

Jew 2 asks; How did it go? Did you get the 100 bucks?

Jew 1 says; Oh, you Jews only care about the money!


----------



## Tom Horn

*After years of going to a **Baptist church I decided to seek other points of view on religion...*

... After countless hours of study and understanding, I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

Had I made a mistake? Had I crossed a benevolent God?

I had studied Judaism in Israel,

Buddhism in Tibet,

Even to indigenous areas of the globe to to better understand what it means to have a God.

After all of this, I found myself being discharged from an Indian hospital, surrounded by doctors and nurses, and I asked,

“Am I dying”?

The head doctor replies

“No, you were just Sikh for a few days”.


----------



## Tom Horn

*I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic Church.*

Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.


----------



## Tom Horn

*In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.*

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand-new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.

Everyone laughed at the coincidence, and the two clerics agreed to have a race. A course was planned out, and the next day the two men took off.

The Catholic priest had a slight edge through the town, but when the course led out into more rural areas, the rabbi took the lead. Eventually the course took them to a narrow dirt road, wide enough for only one car, and the rabbi was ahead while the priest was right on his tail. They passed a sign that said, "Danger! Bridge Out Ahead!", and they came to a cliff where a bridge had recently been washed out.

The rabbi slammed on his brakes, his car's wheels locked up, and screeched to a stop just two feet in front of the cliff. The priest has just a tick slower to react, and his car rammed the rabbi's car, pushing its front wheels over the embankment.

With the rabbi's Cadillac balanced precariously on the cliff, the priest scrambled to help the rabbi to safety. Once both men were safe, they called the police and waited for their arrival.

A Boston cop came to the scene first. He looked at the two cars in the road. He looked at the damage to the front end of the priest's car. Then he looked at the rabbi's car, hanging on the cliff, with damage to its back end.

The cop took off his hat and scratched his head, wondering what to make of the situation. Finally, in a thick Irish brogue, he asked, "So, father, at what speed was the rabbi going when he backed into you?"


----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> View attachment 104721


@Danaus29


----------



## Tom Horn

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 104720


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 104719


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> View attachment 104741


And with the stellar leadership of Punxsutawney Phil Biden, it is most definitely starting to feel like Groundhog Day.

"Only six more weeks of shortages and complete ineptitude... I promise."


----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> View attachment 104743


So funny, but so, so very wrong...


----------



## Danaus29

po boy said:


> View attachment 104721


I threw 10 of them into the wood burner last night. Was ready to get in bed and found one on hubby's pillow! Found 3 more on the way to the fire with that one!


----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> View attachment 104721





Pony said:


> @Danaus29


Here's a song about how it went down regarding Noah and the ark.

No mention of stink bugs.


----------



## Tom Horn

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104740





> *Portland’s City Council Votes to Give Furries the Right to Defecate, Mate in Dog Parks*
> 
> MAY 4, 2016 _by_ R. HOBBUS J.D.
> PORTLAND, Or. – Portland’s city council on Wednesday voted 3 to 1 in favor of the Equal Use Act, a new resolution granting individuals who identify as furries the same rights afforded to dogs and their respective owners who frequent popular off-leash areas and dog parks in the greater Portland area.
> 
> The decision comes on the heels of a four-day sit-in organized by PDX Furs, a regional furry community based in the Portland metro area, which staged the protest at Portland’s city council offices on Milwaukie Avenue last weekend. “This is a huge victory,” said Bo Kirkman. “Not just for furries here in Portland but furries living all across the United States.”
> 
> Bo, a former kindergarten teacher and self-described furry rights advocate, told the _Portland Tribune_ that he identifies as a dog. “It’s one thing to say you can’t bring your cat or your ferret or whatever to the off-leash areas because obviously they’re not dogs. But if I want to go to the park and play with my owner, well as a canine, that should be my right.”
> 
> Link


----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> View attachment 104793


Ain't that the truth.


----------



## mzgarden

My oldest has a reputation for 'bad' jokes. He sent this to me today

Why did the pepper not participate in the archery contest?
Because he didn't habanero.

groan


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104798


----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

mzgarden said:


> My oldest has a reputation for 'bad' jokes. He sent this to me today
> 
> Why did the pepper not participate in the archery contest?
> Because he didn't habanero.
> 
> groan



And on a similar note:

Did you know that William Tell and his family were all avid bowlers?

Tragically all of the records were lost in a fire.

So, it will never be known for whom the Tells bowled.


----------



## Tom Horn

*An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .*

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on, but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said to him in a solemn voice:

B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72


----------



## Tom Horn

*Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.*

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a waterslide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the waterslide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.


----------



## NRA_guy

One day this little boy is home, he walks in his mother and a strange man having sex. He hides in the closet to watch them, as they don’t notice him.

The boy’s father comes home, the mother pushes the man into the closet with the little boy not knowing that the boy is already in there.

The boy says softly, “Boy, it sure is dark in here,”

The man replies, “Yes, it is.”

The boy tells the man, “I have a baseball glove.”

The man replies, “Okay how much?”

The little boy says $100. The man tells him that it is too much. The little boy says, “My father is right outside”. The man responds “okay” and hands over the money. The little boy gives him the glove.

A few days later the boy’s father tells him to go get his glove and his ball so they can play catch. The little boy says he can’t because he sold the mitt. The boy’s father asks how much he sold him for. The boy tells him $100. The boy’s father says he overcharged for the mitt and that he needs to go confess about this. He takes him to the Catholic church and sends the little boy into the confessional booth.

After a moment of silence the little boy looks around and says, “Boy, it sure is dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don't start that s__t again with me. This time you are in my closet.”


----------



## Tom Horn

@NRA_guy 

Okay, you got me started.

A priest had his bicycle stolen and thought a member of his flock was to blame. 

In need of advice, he consulted his bishop who suggested that he root out the thief by preaching a sermon on the ten commandments. The idea was that when the priest got to Thou shalt not steal he would pause and look around the church for anyone behaving in a guilty manner. In this way it was hoped that the culprit would give himself away. 

A couple of weeks later the bishop bumped into the priest and asked him whether the plan had worked. Well yes said the priest but not quite in the way you envisaged. I was going thru the Ten commandments one by one and when I got to thou shalt not commit adultery I remembered where I had left my bike.


----------



## Tom Horn

@NRA_guy 

But wait, there's more.

Did you hear about the man and his wife that were in the hospital while she gave birth?

The woman was clearly in distress with each contraction and the man was upset because he felt helpless to relieve her pain.

The nurse told him that there was an experimental machine which would allow the father to share the pain.

He quicky requested that it be used on him.

When they were finished hooking him up, they asked him how much pain he wanted to share.

He quickly said, "50%."

The nurse said, "No, no, you would not be able to tolerate that much. We'll start you off at 10%."

With each successive contraction the man just sat there in no apparent discomfort. 

He said, "Look, it's obvious that I can take it, let's up the percentage."

So they did, and it progressed until the meter read that 90% of the pain was being transferred.

The man just sat there cool as a cucumber.

The delivery was a success, and a healthy baby was brought into the world.

A couple of days later the couple returned home.

And there was the mailman, dead on the front porch.


----------



## po boy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Elevenpoint

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104844


I'll throw up now and go to bed and forget this.


----------



## Hiro

Elevenpoint said:


> I'll throw up now and go to bed and forget this.


Somethings once seen, cannot be unseen. I apologize.


----------



## 67drake

If you identify as a woman, why grow a beard?


----------



## Hiro

67drake said:


> If you identify as a woman, why grow a beard?


Whether you identify/transition or have surgery, you are xx or xy. You can claim you are whatever gender you want, have at it. But, to try to force others to affirm your claim is absurd.


----------



## Tom Horn

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104848


----------



## Tom Horn

Hiro said:


> Whether you identify/transition or have surgery, you are xx or xy. You can claim you are whatever gender you want, have at it. But, to try to force others to affirm your claim is absurd.


If you had a dollar for every gender out there, how many dollars would you have?

Two... And a whole lot of counterfeits.


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## Hiro




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## Tom Horn

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104857


Here's his sidearm.


----------



## NRA_guy

Hiro said:


> View attachment 104857


Will the mag really go in like that? I don't own one.


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> Will the mag really go in like that? I don't own one.


He probably had to grind off the lugs and drive it in with a three-pound sledge all the while wondering why the mag didn't just slide right in.


----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> Will the mag really go in like that? I don't own one.


I never tried.


----------



## mreynolds

NRA_guy said:


> Will the mag really go in like that? I don't own one.


I don't think so but then again, I never tried either.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Pony




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## Hiro




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## po boy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Pony




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## po boy




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Tom Horn

*There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.*

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."

The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

*Rags To Riches Success Story*

A real touching success story!

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoeshine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"

The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"

The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

"What's your name? " asked the executive.

John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department: Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly," answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."

The executive comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members.

We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.

Mr. Smith began his story.

"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.

I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.

After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.

A few years ago, when the previous shoeshine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."


----------



## NRA_guy

A pregnant woman is in a car has a wreck and is seriously injured. She's in a hospital in a coma and on life support for 6 months. 

Finally she comes to and immediately asks about the child that she was carrying at the time of the wreck.

The nurse says, "Actually, it was twins: a boy and a girl. They both are doing fine. Your brother and his wife have been taking care of them. You brother filled out their birth certificates and named them."

"Great! What did he name them?" asks the woman.

"He named the little girl 'Denise'" said the nurse.

"Well, that's a good name. I can live with that. What did he name my little boy?" asks the woman.

"He named him "Denephew'", said the nurse.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## Tom Horn

po boy said:


> View attachment 104984



While I am a proponent of voter ID, (I mean how hard is it to show your driver's license/non-driver ID)? The US is very hypocritical in pointing out the human rights violations of other countries, all the while ignoring its own checkered past.


----------



## Digitalis

Tom Horn said:


> While I am a proponent of voter ID, (I mean how hard is it to show your driver's license/non-driver ID)? The US is very hypocritical in pointing out the human rights violations of other countries, all the while ignoring its own checkered past.


What checkered past does the US ignore? A huge amount of energy and money is spent on dealing with our checkered past. Some more productively than others. Pull your head out


----------



## Tom Horn

@Digitalis

Could I inquire as to the source of your anger?


----------



## Tom Horn

Digitalis said:


> Pull your head out


It is obvious that you wish to pick a fight.

I have my reasons for posting what I did, and it would be an exercise in futility to share them with you.

Never explain.

Your friends do not require it.

Your enemies will not believe it.

Da mihi asinum


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Digitalis

Tom Horn said:


> @Digitalis
> 
> Could I inquire as to the source of your anger?


China is actively committing genocide and you say we can't object because we're not perfect. This line of thinking is wicked.

Yes our country has faults and has done terrible things in the past. But we work on them and are trying to become better. I am proud of the USA and objectively have many reasons to be. Our country has done tremendous good in the world and improved the lives of many, many people. 

I don't know how you can honestly say the US is "ignoring its own checkered past." Sometimes it feels like all we do is focus on our checkered past, often in unproductive ways. Contrast that with China where mentioning the Tiananmen Square Massacre can get you disappeared. There's no comparison.

Your statement mirrored that of the worst human-rights-abusing regimes in the world. So yeah, I took offense.


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## Hiro




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## Tom Horn

Digitalis said:


> China is actively committing genocide and you say we can't object because we're not perfect. This line of thinking is wicked.
> 
> Yes our country has faults and has done terrible things in the past. But we work on them and are trying to become better. I am proud of the USA and objectively have many reasons to be. Our country has done tremendous good in the world and improved the lives of many, many people.
> 
> I don't know how you can honestly say the US is "ignoring its own checkered past." Sometimes it feels like all we do is focus on our checkered past, often in unproductive ways. Contrast that with China where mentioning the Tiananmen Square Massacre can get you disappeared. There's no comparison.
> 
> Your statement mirrored that of the worst human-rights-abusing regimes in the world. So yeah, I took offense.


Meh


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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## po boy




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## nchobbyfarm




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## po boy

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking
through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth
of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
he called into the cave and listened closely until he
heard an answering,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian
what it was all about.
"Was that Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season
when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back,
it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer."Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods
alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size
of the huge opening, he was thinking,
"Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It's bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced
into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day,
the headline of the local newspaper read....
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!


----------



## Tom Horn

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 105012


I gotta give that one some more love and exposure.


----------



## Pony




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## NRA_guy




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Hiro




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## Hiro

Hiro said:


> View attachment 105080


Though this may be a photo of the PLA carrying their next meal. Someone should ask Xi Pooh Bear in the next interview whether I got it right.


----------



## Hiro




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## 67drake

po boy said:


> View attachment 105095


I sent this to my wife. I hope the locks aren’t changed when I get home.


----------



## po boy




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Elevenpoint

po boy said:


> View attachment 105114


I want some mustard on those biscuits 
Favorite movie


----------



## Elevenpoint

po boy said:


> View attachment 105114


Dont you touch that boy.


----------



## Tom Horn

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 105125



I want one of those.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 105150


----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 105151


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## Hiro




----------



## whiterock

Hiro said:


> View attachment 105169


They were always pointing the wrong way. At least in my stores.


----------



## Hiro




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## po boy




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

@Pony

Actually, in England there are restaurants that operate in much the same way.

They are staffed by Fish Friars and Chip Monks.


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


----------



## Danaus29

po boy said:


> View attachment 105235


My sister was right, I am a hillbilly.


----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> View attachment 105235


How is your mother and family?

Howz yer mom en em?


----------



## NRA_guy

They left out "coke" as in any kind of carbonated soft drink.


----------



## NRA_guy

By the way, I figured out how to tell a fake southern accent (mostly heard among fake southern actors)

They know that we drop the "g" on the end of words like :huntin", "fishin", "eatin", "lovin", "runnin", etc.

So they drop the "g" on the end of "everything" and it comes out as "everythin".

We never, ever say that.

We say "everythang".


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> By the way, I figured out how to tell a fake southern accent (mostly heard among fake southern actors)
> 
> They know that we drop the "g" on the end of words like :huntin", "fishin", "eatin", "lovin", "runnin", etc.
> 
> So they drop the "g" on the end of "everything" and it comes out as "everythin".
> 
> We never, ever say that.
> 
> We say "everythang".


Sho nuff


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

Busted! This meme was not made by a farmer, because every farmer knows that it is binder twine, not baler twine.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

They asked several old farmers what they would do if they were given a million dollars, to which they responded, "Probably just keep farming until it was all gone."


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony

Hiro said:


> View attachment 105267


YES! 

Man, I love that flick! Watch it at least once a year.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> They asked several old farmers what they would do if they were given a million dollars, to which they responded, "Probably just keep farming until it was all gone."
> 
> 
> View attachment 105249


I had an old farmer uncle who used to say that.

Another joke goes: "If I won a million dollars, I'd put a second story on my house trailer."

(Back in those days, a million dollars was a lots of money.)


----------



## NRA_guy

Not hilarious, but something kind of funny that I stupidly did:

Long ago, I had a heated car seat cover that plugged in to the cigarette lighter socket. It was nice on cold mornings. 

Recently, on one of our cold mornings, I thought I would see if I could find one in a local store.

I searched Walmart.com and thought I had found one listed in our local store. When I got to the shelves in the store, I noticed that some had been opened and returned. Then I realized that I was not the only one who had trouble reading:


----------



## po boy




----------



## 1032swiss

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 105245


I worked on a custom harvesting crew before I milked cows, And it is truly crazy the disrespect some drivers show for farm equipment.

For example I was leading the way with a tractor and grain cart from one farm to the next, Since it was just a small back road and not that far we just let the head on the combine 
Anyway so I was leading and waving my hands at people to slow them down. When this little corvette comes barreling Sqeezed between me and the guard rail and slammed on the brakes when coming face to face with the combine behind me. What an idiot !!!


----------



## Tom Horn

1032swiss said:


> I worked on a custom harvesting crew before I milked cows, And it is truly crazy the disrespect some drivers show for farm equipment.
> 
> For example I was leading the way with a tractor and grain cart from one farm to the next, Since it was just a small back road and not that far we just let the head on the combine
> Anyway so I was leading and waving my hands at people to slow them down. When this little corvette comes barreling Sqeezed between me and the guard rail and slammed on the brakes when coming face to face with the combine behind me. What an idiot !!!


He must have had on his Superman Underoos that day and thought that he was 10 feet tall and bulletproof.

But it sounds like he about ran into some John Deere green kryptonite that day.


----------



## Hiro




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## Kiamichi Kid




----------



## NRA_guy

Some of these humorous posts need to be accompanied by an explanation for us slow old timers.


----------



## Hiro

NRA_guy said:


> Some of these humorous posts need to be accompanied by an explanation for us slow old timers.


Sadly, I had to think on the vaseline. I threw up just a bit when I figured it out.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

@NRA_guy And they sound exactly alike too.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 105300


If they are not hot and not single they're crazy, too!


----------



## NRA_guy

po boy said:


> View attachment 105311


What am I seeing? I'm not getting it.


----------



## Evons hubby

NRA_guy said:


> What am I seeing? I'm not getting it.


Filling in a COVID test strip to show positive.


----------



## po boy

NRA_guy said:


> What am I seeing? I'm not getting it.


It took me a second.. Hubby is right.


----------



## Evons hubby

My solution would be to inquire as to the menu, then offer to supply a bucket of kfc chicken to round things out.


----------



## Pony




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy

Evons hubby said:


> Filling in a COVID test strip to show positive.


Oh, gotcha'. The photo was so fuzzy I was not sure what it was.

And neither of my two Covid test strips looked like that.

Thanks.


----------



## po boy




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Tom Horn

Hiro said:


> View attachment 105385


----------



## Tom Horn

I took some advice about friending on Facebook and applied it; here's what happened.

So, I have been trying to make friends outside of Facebook and thought I would try applying the same practices. Today I go outside my building and just start walking down the street. As I pass by people, I let them know what I had to eat, how I feel right now, what I did last night, what I will do later etc... I thought it would be interesting to hand out pictures of my family, my dog and me doing some of my favorite things. If they were talking, I would stop to listen to their conversation and then give them the good old "thumbs up" and let them know I like them.

So, it actually worked!!!! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.


----------



## 67drake

Tom Horn said:


> I took some advice about friending on Facebook and applied it; here's what happened.
> 
> So, I have been trying to make friends outside of Facebook and thought I would try applying the same practices. Today I go outside my building and just start walking down the street. As I pass by people, I let them know what I had to eat, how I feel right now, what I did last night, what I will do later etc... I thought it would be interesting to hand out pictures of my family, my dog and me doing some of my favorite things. If they were talking, I would stop to listen to their conversation and then give them the good old "thumbs up" and let them know I like them.
> 
> So, it actually worked!!!! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
> 
> View attachment 105399


What would Jesus post?


----------



## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> What would Jesus post?


Jesus didn't need to advertise.

The crowds came to Him.


----------



## Pony




----------



## bubba42

alleyyooper said:


> Two strings walk in to a bar.
> 
> The bar owner shouts, "You two get out of here! We don't serve strings in this bar!"
> 
> The strings leave but, right outside the door, one of them starts banging his head against the sidewalk and contorting himself in crazy ways.
> 
> He walks back in to the bar and the bar owner angrily asks, "Hey! Aren't you one of them strings that just tried to come in here?"
> 
> The twisted, banged up string says...
> 
> "No, I'm a frayed knot."
> 
> 
> Al


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Hiro

Happy Friday!!


----------



## NRA_guy




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## Pony




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## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 105420


Don't forget about the spoon full of sugar helping the medicine to go down.

But remember, sugar cubes were the chosen conveyance for LSD too.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 105452


Politics is spelled wrong.


----------



## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 105460


In Mississippi if you see an oncoming car blinking "right" it might:
a. Turn left, or
b. Go straight ahead, or
c. Turn right (least likely).

But on most cars in Mississippi the signal lights don't work and the driver has no clue what that little lever is for.

And one or two brake lights, tail lights, and head lights don't work anyway.


----------



## NRA_guy

If you are confused about your gender, here is a flowchart that will guide you through the process of figuring it out:


----------



## RJ2019

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 105411


My 5 year old likes to sit in the cart and sing that "move [female dog], get out the way" rap song in crowded stores🤦‍♀️
Am I a bad mom for not stopping him?


----------



## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> Don't forget about the spoon full of sugar helping the medicine to go down.
> 
> But remember, sugar cubes were the chosen conveyance for LSD too.


Lots of research started/reactivated on psychedelics. I've been closely following the research at Johns Hopkins. They are finding that LSD, MDMA, and psilocybin can alleviate depression, C-PTSD, and other conditions. 

So yeah, bring on the sugar cubes!


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> Lots of research started/reactivated on psychedelics. I've been closely following the research at Johns Hopkins. They are finding that LSD, MDMA, and psilocybin can alleviate depression, C-PTSD, and other conditions.
> 
> So yeah, bring on the sugar cubes!


I don’t know if I could. It would be like reliving my high school years.


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn

RJ2019 said:


> My 5 year old likes to sit in the cart and sing that "move [female dog], get out the way" rap song in crowded stores🤦‍♀️
> Am I a bad mom for not stopping him?


Nay... To stop him... That would be Ludacris.

However, I would probably try to hold him to just the chorus.

You wouldn't want he and his Homies 'Causin' confusion, disturbin' tha peace.' 

Or repeating some of the more "mature" lyrics.

Check it, 'I'm doin' a hundred on the highway.'

Peace.


----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> Lots of research started/reactivated on psychedelics. I've been closely following the research at Johns Hopkins. They are finding that LSD, MDMA, and psilocybin can alleviate depression, C-PTSD, and other conditions.
> 
> So yeah, bring on the sugar cubes!



Oh yeah... It's all fun and games until someone has a bad trip.


----------



## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> Oh yeah... It's all fun and games until someone has a bad trip.


And that's when you give him more sugar, to counteract the substance. 

Sugar is your friend.


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 105514


Cosmic...

Did that thought come to you before or after a sugar cube?

Asking for a friend.


----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 105515


Which proves that to be accepted as fact something need only stand the test of time unchallenged.

Oh, and it helps if it is accompanied by a good beat and some killer harmonies.


----------



## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> Which proves that to be accepted a fact something need only to stand the test of time unchallenged.
> 
> Oh, and it helps if it is accompanied by a good beat and some killer harmonies.


Admit it. That song is stuck in your head now. 

BWAHahahahahaha!


----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> Admit it. That song is stuck in your head now.
> 
> BWAHahahahahaha!


Actually...

I'm busy trying to gouge out my mind's eye.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Evons hubby

I’ve read that in 6 days God created the heavens and the earth along with day and night, plants, animals and man. At the end of each day He checked his work and rated each of His creations as “good”. At the end of six days all was good so He rested. Later on He created woman..,, no report card whatsoever and no Mention of either God nor man having rested since. Just saying!


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 105522


The things are not mutually exclusive.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Evons hubby

Back in the day we didn’t have gummy bears… we had raisins!


----------



## po boy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Evons hubby said:


> Back in the day we didn’t have gummy bears… we had raisins!


Who needs no talent Gummy Bears?


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 105566


Don't forget, the official name for the Nazi party was the "National Socialist German Workers' Party".


----------



## NRA_guy

*How to tell if you watching too much CNN *

Know the warning signs:

*1. You think the pandemic is still going on. *If you find yourself saying "When the pandemic is over..." or "the new normal," you might be watching too much CNN.

*2. You still think one of these investigations is going to “get” Trump. *The walls are closing in. Any day now.

*3. You haven't left your house in two years. *Time to turn off the CNN and go outside, people.

*4. You haven't heard of any of Biden's foreign or domestic failures. *You think the president's doing a "pretty good job" and haven't caught wind of any kind of disasters.

*5. You still call ivermectin "horse medicine". *Oh no! Your brain has been infected!

*6. You walk by a fiery riot and think to yourself, "Ah, what a peaceful protest. Mostly, anyway." *If this is your immediate instinct, check with a medical professional. You may have an oversaturation of CNN.

*7. You're at the airport a lot. *This is less a symptom and more a root cause, but if you're at the airport, you're probably watching lots of CNN.

*8. You drop to the floor and convulse any time you see a MAGA hat. *The longer you roll around in the fetal position, the more CNN you probably watch.

*9. You watch any CNN at all. *Even one second is too much. Just say no.

Link


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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 105575


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


>


That one is suitable for framing.


----------



## po boy




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony

Okay, just one more.... This cracked me up so much, I almost wet 'em!


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 105618


Now there's a protester I could get behind.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say "Your Honor, I'm guilty but..... There were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire," found me... standing on my tip-toes, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".


----------



## Tom Horn

One day a guy was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and - or dear! - he hadn't bought anything for her. So, he pulls into the parking lot of the next shopping mall he passes, finds a toy store and asks for "A Barbie Doll for my daughter."

The shop assistant looks at him in a slightly condescending manner and asks, "All right Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised, so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99?"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's furniture, Ken's car ...


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

A truck with two truckers was had just passed through small town and was on the back roads on the way to a slightly bigger town when they came to a railroad overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 12'6".

So, they got out and measured their rig. It was 13'6".

"What do you think?" the co-driver asked the driver.

The driver looked around carefully, got in the truck and dropped into first as he said, "Well, there's not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"


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## Tom Horn




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## 67drake

My wife and I every day 


Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 105670


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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy

Source


----------



## nchobbyfarm

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 105687


Sometimes I talk to myself.

Sometimes you need expert advice!


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

It took me a minute.


----------



## Tom Horn

And here's another one.


----------



## Tom Horn

And yet another.


----------



## Danaus29

Tom Horn said:


> It took me a minute.


I watched the music videos after the credits on _Shrek._ Donkey singing that song was playing in my head.


----------



## Tom Horn

And another.


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## Tom Horn

Danaus29 said:


> I watched the music videos after the credits on _Shrek._ Donkey singing that song was playing in my head.


I found a trove of them. I'm seeing how many get them.


----------



## Danaus29

That last one has me stumped.

Found it, never heard it before. I don't know a lot of this newer stuff unless it was used in a movie.


----------



## Tom Horn

And yet another.


----------



## Tom Horn

And still another.


----------



## Tom Horn

And last but not least.

A dead giveaway.


----------



## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> I found a trove of them. I'm seeing how many get them.


I'm a non-getter.


----------



## NRA_guy

Is this electric receptacle cover plate too risque?


----------



## whiterock

Such a nice change of vocabulary. Thank you for sharing.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Tom Horn

whiterock said:


> Such a nice change of vocabulary. Thank you for sharing.



It has more of a poetic ring to it, don't you think?

Like this Beatles classic reworded.


Past eve sayeth I these very things toeth my maiden

Knowest I thou doest not exert thyself naught maid

Come Hither, come hither, Come Hither, come hither, Come Hither, come hither, Come Hither, come hither 

Prithee, prithee unto myself yea verily as unto I prithee thou.

Yea verily, as I prithee unto thou

Yea verily, as I prithee unto thou


----------



## Tom Horn

Hiro said:


> View attachment 105704



Is that the Deadhead Pool?


----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> Is this electric receptacle cover plate too risque?
> View attachment 105700


Nah, I forwarded it to my wife.


----------



## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> Nah, I forwarded it to my wife.


Subtle Kama Sutra ideas?

I really don't want to know....


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 105720


Went to Black Friday once. 

Went to Mardi Gras once. 

You are supposed to learn from your mistakes.

'Nuff said. 

On another note, only one of the above events sent me to jail.


----------



## RJ2019

Danaus29 said:


> That last one has me stumped.
> 
> Found it, never heard it before. I don't know a lot of this newer stuff unless it was used in a movie.


I understood that one and the first one😆


----------



## Danaus29

#6700
I like big butts and I cannot lie

#6701
Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done

#6702
2nd verse of Bohemian Rhapsody

#6707
Stairway to Heaven

#6708
Who let the dogs out

#6709
Theme from Spongebob Squarepants

I forget the milkshake one. I didn't recognize the song and didn't feel like looking it up again.

I thought they were pretty good. It's an example of a language exercise one of my early teachers used.


----------



## Danaus29

Tom Horn said:


> It has more of a poetic ring to it, don't you think?
> 
> Like this Beatles classic reworded.
> 
> 
> Past eve sayeth I these very things toeth my maiden
> 
> Knowest I thou doest not exert thyself naught maid
> 
> Come Hither, come hither, Come Hither, come hither, Come Hither, come hither, Come Hither, come hither
> 
> Prithee, prithee unto myself yea verily as unto I prithee thou.
> 
> Yea verily, as I prithee unto thou
> 
> Yea verily, as I prithee unto thou


Another one I never heard before.


----------



## Danaus29

I know the picture quality is terrible. My trailcam caught this deer.


----------



## Tom Horn

Danaus29 said:


> Another one I never heard before.


Oh, and I worked so hard on that one.

Final chorus.

Past eve sayeth I these very things toeth my maiden
*
Last night I said these words to my girl.*

Knowest I thou doest not exert thyself naught maid

*I know you never even try girl.*

Come Hither, come hither, Come Hither, come hither, Come Hither, come hither, Come Hither, come hither

*C'mon (C'mon), c'mon (C'mon), c'mon (C'mon), c'mon (C'mon)*

Prithee, prithee unto myself yea verily as unto I prithee thou.

*Please please me, oh yeah, like I please you*

Yea verily, as I prithee unto thou

*Whoa yeah, like I please you*

Yea verily, as I prithee unto thou
*
Whoa yeah, like I please you 

prithee*
[ˈpriT͟Hē]

EXCLAMATION
archaic

please (used to convey a polite request).
"prithee, Jack, answer me honestly"
synonyms:
please (cause to feel happy and satisfied.)


----------



## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




----------



## Nimrod

The Beetlejuice pic is kind of funny but even in a regular picture she looks like she escaped
from a zombie movie.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## nchobbyfarm

Before he died, Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver .

"You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Be my guest!" Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

These tats are going to impress any ladies that go scrolling through his profile.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> These tats are going to impress any ladies that go scrolling through his profile.
> 
> View attachment 105876


That's a really bad Photoshop job.


----------



## po boy

NRA_guy said:


> That's a really bad Photoshop job.


Maybe he will grow into it.


----------



## po boy




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## po boy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## nchobbyfarm




----------



## genebo

What ya' doing, Ma?

I'm knitting a gun, Pa.

How can ya' do that, Ma?

I'm using steel wool, Pa.


----------



## genebo

Ma: Pa, get the dishrag and wipe that child's snotty nose. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's nastiness!


----------



## genebo

Pa, get that boy down off the table and put some pants on him.

What for, Ma?

Did you see what he just drug through the butter?


----------



## nchobbyfarm

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a
Midwest town he planned to visit on his
Vacation. He wrote: I would very much like
To bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel
Owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating
This hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. 
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."


----------



## 67drake

nchobbyfarm said:


> A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a
> Midwest town he planned to visit on his
> Vacation. He wrote: I would very much like
> To bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
> 
> An immediate reply came from the hotel
> Owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating
> This hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
> Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."


Yeah, but I’ve never had a tenant crap on the floor or wreck the woodwork….Oh, wait….


----------



## Tom Horn

genebo said:


> What ya' doing, Ma?
> 
> I'm knitting a gun, Pa.
> 
> How can ya' do that, Ma?
> 
> I'm using steel wool, Pa.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids… I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” says the big alligator, “what have you been eating?

“Lawyers, same as you,” replies the small alligator.

“Hmm. Well, where do you catch ’em?”

“Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ’em?”

“Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite ’em, shake the crap out of ’em, and eat ’em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase…”


----------



## Tom Horn

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Maryland with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in Los Angeles, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Maryland, please raise your hand.”

Not one hand went up…so she took them home and ate them.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the old lady to come into the office.

The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?”

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the old maid's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?”

She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $400,000 in my savings account at the bank.”

“Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $400,000 to be distributed?”

The old woman said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $350,000 for my funeral.”

The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $350,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,” he continued, “what would you like to do with the remaining $50,000?”

The elderly woman replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man. Before I die, I’d like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.”

“This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.” That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $50,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.” The next morning, she drove him to the woman's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow! She’s going to let the County bury her!”


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, “where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The accountant doesn’t answer.

The Godfather asks again, “where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “well, ask him where the @#!* money is.”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, ” He doesn’t know what you’re talking about ”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the hammer and says, “Ask him again where the @#!* money is!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”

The accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”


----------



## Tom Horn

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh, please excuse me!” said the ever-so-polite bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and couldn’t see.”

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!”

And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.

Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but, by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?”

And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy, and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”


----------



## Tom Horn

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you go first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher.

“What about your father, Billy?” Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?


----------



## Tom Horn

STATE OF ALASKA ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

**** 1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Alaska state hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash,” “ambulance,” or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## NRA_guy

Here are some Rodney Dangerfield lines. 
---------------------------------------------------------------

Last week I asked a cab driver where I could get some action, he took me to my house. 

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. 

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel. 

My new neighborhood is so tough. I asked the cop how far it was to the subway. He said, "We don't know. Nobody's ever made it."

I called my wife. I said, "Honey, I'm in the mood. I'll be right there and I want to make hot passionate love to you." 
She said, "I'll be ready! Who is this?" 

My last anniversary I promised my wife I'd take her someplace she'd never been before. I took her to the kitchen. 

I think my wife is cheating on me with my best friend....he’s been pretty miserable lately.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.....It's not that I'm mad at her.... I just didn't want to interrupt her. 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


----------



## NRA_guy

I heard that the U.S. bobsled team named their sled "Biden" with the belief that nothing can take Americans downhill faster.


----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> Here are some Rodney Dangerfield lines.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Last week I asked a cab driver where I could get some action, he took me to my house.
> 
> When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
> 
> I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.
> 
> My new neighborhood is so tough. I asked the cop how far it was to the subway. He said, "We don't know. Nobody's ever made it."
> 
> I called my wife. I said, "Honey, I'm in the mood. I'll be right there and I want to make hot passionate love to you."
> She said, "I'll be ready! Who is this?"
> 
> My last anniversary I promised my wife I'd take her someplace she'd never been before. I took her to the kitchen.
> 
> I think my wife is cheating on me with my best friend....he’s been pretty miserable lately.
> 
> I haven't spoken to my wife in years.....It's not that I'm mad at her.... I just didn't want to interrupt her.
> 
> My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


Rodney ruled!


----------



## Evons hubby

67drake said:


> Rodney ruled!


That he did! Twas a shame he couldn’t get no respect!


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” 

“Then you owe me $15 Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $15 [attorneys don’t carry cash — it’s too plebeian — and the butcher hadn’t brought the shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office]. 

About a month later — it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $25 due for a consultation.


----------



## Tom Horn

Farmer Dan got into his truck and drove to the neighboring
farm and knocked at the door. A young boy, Eddie, aged about 10, opened the
door.

'Is yer Dad home?' Dan demanded.
'No, sir, he ain't,'
Eddie replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well, then,' inquired Dan, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad,' explained Eddie patiently.

Farmer Dan stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the
other and muttering to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' Eddie asked politely. 'I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer Dad.'

'Well, it's difficult,' answered Dan uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to
talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.'

Eddie considered for a moment, 'You would have to talk to Pa about that,'
he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the stallion, $250 for
the bull and $60 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer
Howard.'


----------



## Tom Horn

Thomas was a chicken farmer; his farm was dedicated to the fertile egg
business. In his farmyard, Thomas had 450 young hens to lay the eggs.
Incidentally, at this stage the female hens are called 'pullets'. Now to
fertilize the eggs, which the pullets laid, Thomas had 12 roosters. 

Thomas kept careful records, and any rooster that didn't perform went
straight into the stewpot and a replacement introduced. Thomas found
this task time consuming, so he bought a dozen tiny bells and attached one
to each of his roosters. Cunningly, each bell had a different ring tone so
Thomas could tell from from the comfort of his porch, which rooster was
performing. 

So, now Thomas could sit in his rocking chair and tick the boxes on his
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite
rooster was Old Podgy, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this
particular morning Thomas noticed Old Podgy's bell hadn't rung at all!
Thomas went to investigate. 

The other roosters were chasing pullets, their bells-a-ringing. The
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer
Thomas's amazement, Old Podgy had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Thomas was so proud of Old Podgy, he entered him in the Worcester County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...
The judges not only awarded Old Podgy the No Bell Piece Prize, but also, they
awarded him the Pulletsurprise!


----------



## Tom Horn

Mrs Baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read
several books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice.

After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the
ice.

Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, 'There are no fish under the ice.'
Startled, Mrs Baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, 'There are no fish under the ice.'
Mrs Baker, now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to
cut her ice-hole.

The voice rang out once more, 'There are no fish under the ice.'
Mrs Baker, stopped, looked upwards and said, 'Is that you, Lord?'

The voice replied, 'No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager.'


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 106054


You just had to know... Didn't you?


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## alida




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## Hiro




----------



## Nimrod

Tom Horn said:


> When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.


No. We call them the District Attorney.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

Nimrod said:


> No. We call them the District Attorney.


You've got me there, with one caveat.

If you're conservative that will nail you to the wall for jaywalking.

Example:

1.5 million dollars damage on Jan 6th. Worse than 09/11.

1.5 BILLION damage in BLM riots, just another day in "peaceful protest" paradise.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## po boy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 105659


JK stands for Just Kidding.


----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




----------



## Evons hubby

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 106174


Nothing they want us to see here.lol


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## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> View attachment 106232
> View attachment 106232


Ouch.

When I was 5 months pregnant with my son, I got up quickly to answer the phone (pre-cell phone days). Hooked my baby toe on the furniture, and snapped the bone in two.

I made up some new cuss words that day!


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## 67drake




----------



## Pony

*I miss Wegman's.*


----------



## po boy




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## po boy




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy

Pony said:


> View attachment 106320


Of course, that should be "built-in antenna". 

Commas save lives, but hyphens are important, too.


----------



## 67drake




----------



## Evons hubby

67drake said:


> View attachment 106331


Great movie!


----------



## 67drake

Evons hubby said:


> Great movie!


Agree! It’s on TV right now, so I texted one of my daughters and said “Relax zipper •head”, and she shot that meme back to me.


----------



## Evons hubby

67drake said:


> Agree! It’s on TV right now, so I texted one of my daughters and said “Relax zipper •head”, and she shot that meme back to me.


thanks. I just tuned in!


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up in an old pickup, pulling a trailer and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny: "Well then, just give me my money back."

Farmer: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

Farmer: "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny at the feed store and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy that won, so I gave him his two dollars back." 

Epilogue:

Kenny went on to become a rising star in the Federal Reserve


----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn




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## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

NRA_guy said:


> Of course, that should be "built-in antenna".
> 
> Commas save lives, but hyphens are important, too.


But then, the joke is lost.


----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> View attachment 106354


Yeah, especially when the order winds up at wish.com


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## 67drake




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




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## po boy




----------



## po boy

Discover Popular Videos | Facebook


Facebook Watch is the place to enjoy videos and shows together. Find the latest trending videos, discover original shows and checkout what's going on with your favorite creators.




fb.watch


----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> View attachment 106367
> View attachment 106367


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 106451


Hey,Tom started it!


----------



## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> Hey,Tom started it!



Guilty as charged.


----------



## 67drake




----------



## Tom Horn

I can keep this up as long as you can... 😝


----------



## nchobbyfarm

I figured out why I am fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For extra volume and body". 

I'm going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says " Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## mreynolds

You guys just need to get a Dodge and get with the new century.


----------



## cannonfoddertfc

mreynolds said:


> You guys just need to get a Dodge and get with the new century.


----------



## Tom Horn

mreynolds said:


> You guys just need to get a Dodge and get with the new century.


Well actually, Dodge is no longer Dodge. It is part of Stellantis N.V. a Dutch automobile company.



> Older pickup buyers may remember the legendary Dodge Ram pickup trucks. Today, Ram and Dodge still share dealerships and technology, but Ram is no longer a subdivision of Dodge. Instead, the two brands are part of a third, larger company.
> 
> *Are Ram trucks still owned by Dodge?*
> 
> Since the 2010 model year, Ram trucks has been its own brand. Ram trucks shares a parent company, and thus lots of technology, with Dodge. But Dodge does not own Ram
> 
> Link To Article





> *Is Chrysler still making cars?*
> 
> Currently, there are just three Chrysler models, the 300 sedan and Pacifica and Voyager minivans.
> 
> *Who bought Chrysler 2020?*
> 
> FCA and PSA Group have completed the merger announced in 2020, creating Stellantis, now the fourth-biggest automaker in the world by volume. Stellantis becomes the operator of 14 different brands, including Chrysler, Fiat, Jeep, Ram, Peugeot, and Citroën.
> 
> *Is Dodge still owned by Chrysler?*
> 
> Chrysler and Dodge are both brands that fall under the Fiat Chrysler Automobiles (FCA) umbrella. And while Dodge and RAM were essentially one and the same in the past, the Chrysler model lineup has focused chiefly on family-style vehicles, like the Pacifica, while Dodge offers SUVs and performance automobiles.
> 
> *Who bought out Chrysler?*
> 
> By 2014, Fiat had acquired 100 percent of Chrysler, which became a full subsidiary of the Italian automaker. Fiat Chrysler Automobiles was formed; Marchionne remained CEO of the cross-Atlantic empire until he died in 2018.
> .
> .
> .
> *What companies are owned by Chrysler?*
> 
> Fiat Chrysler Automobiles
> 
> FCA owns Alfa Romeo, Chrysler, Dodge, Fiat, Jeep, Maserati, and Ram.
> 
> Link To Article


It's kind of confusing.


----------



## poppy

Tom Horn said:


> Well actually, Dodge is no longer Dodge. It is part of Stellantis N.V. a Dutch automobile company.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's kind of confusing.



I heard a mechanic say, "As a vehicle customer, I would never by a Chrysler vehicle. But, as a mechanic, I would recommend everyone own 2".


----------



## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> Well actually, Dodge is no longer Dodge. It is part of Stellantis N.V. a Dutch automobile company.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's kind of confusing.


German. Always a good thing when it comes to technology.


----------



## mreynolds

poppy said:


> I heard a mechanic say, "As a vehicle customer, I would never by a Chrysler vehicle. But, as a mechanic, I would recommend everyone own 2".


I have a Cummins that is nearly 25 years old and I have spent about 900 bucks in parts on it to keep it running.


----------



## mreynolds

cannonfoddertfc said:


> View attachment 106468


Too much tequila looks like to me.


----------



## poppy

mreynolds said:


> I have a Cummins that is nearly 25 years old and I have spent about 900 bucks in parts on it to keep it running.


Those were great but Chrysler has gone downhill since then. I think they have been bought or merged 3 times or so with other companies and none of them made very good vehicles. Fiat (Fix It Again Tony) was one IIRC. Fiat always made junk. Chrysler is putting transmissions made by them in their vehicles and they have a high failure rate. Chrysler engines now also are having problems. If I bought a new one, I would sell it before the warranty ran out.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

mreynolds said:


> Too much tequila looks like to me.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## NRA_guy

mreynolds said:


> German. Always a good thing when it comes to technology.


You forgot the smiley face indicating that was a joke,

Or you never owned a BMW, Volvo, Volkswagen, Mercedes-Benz, or Audi that was no longer under warranty.

At one time, Germany made good cars, but in recent history their vehicles are nightmares when it comes to repairs.


----------



## mreynolds

NRA_guy said:


> You forgot the smiley face indicating that was a joke,
> 
> Or you never owned a BMW, Volvo, Volkswagen, Mercedes-Benz, or Audi that was no longer under warranty.
> 
> At one time, Germany made good cars, but in recent history their vehicles are nightmares when it comes to repairs.


Yeah, I know a lady that has to pay 800 dollars for an oil change and it takes 3 hours. That's at the dealer or the warranty is void. 

I actually like good old American muscle. Like Toyota and Nissan 😂. Everything else seems to be made elsewhere.


----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 106472


----------



## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 106484


Hey now, this is supposed to be a humor thread. That post should be in the horror genre.


----------



## Pony

mreynolds said:


> Hey now, this is supposed to be a humor thread. That post should be in the horror genre.


Or Reality Base.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

mreynolds said:


> Hey now, this is supposed to be a humor thread. That post should be in the horror genre.



Well...

There there... There, there.

I didn't mean ta scare ya.

I just couldn't help but feel that it complimented Pony's meme.


----------



## Pony

Last one for the day. Gotta get outside while the weather is good, paint some siding and pull some weeds.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Kiamichi Kid




----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


>


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Danaus29

google French Bank squirrel picture. I can't get an image or a good link to post.









French bank's image of squirrel hanging by its testicles upset customers


French bank Caisse d'Epargne has admitted it made a faux pas after posting an image on its Facebook page showing a squirrel seemingly with i...




arbroath.blogspot.com


----------



## Digitalis

Putin's making people drive bad now  


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1499049372797091848


----------



## Pony




----------



## whiterock

I'd like to see a buffalo or longhorn made that way.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

whiterock said:


> I'd like to see a buffalo or longhorn made that way.


Now that would be cool!


----------



## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> View attachment 106582


That was just wrong on soooo many levels. Why did I laugh?


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

Pony said:


>


F-me. That’s so true!


----------



## Kiamichi Kid




----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## po boy




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## 67drake




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Tom Horn

67drake said:


>


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Pony




----------



## Pony

Follow up to my previous "horse" post:


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> Follow up to my previous "horse" post:
> 
> View attachment 106689


Yeah, I mean Tom Hanks named a volleyball for example.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




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## Pony




----------



## Tom Horn

*The problem with Trump jokes:*

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.


----------



## Tom Horn

*How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?*

It only takes one, but we weren't able to get the work done in 1 term because we inherited a really bad situation from the prior administration.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Republican, a Democrat, and a Socialist live in the same building. One day there is a fire, but only the Socialist dies. Why?*

everyone else was at work.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy

If you gave some people a million dollars, they would b___h that the bills were wrinkled.


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> If you gave some people a million dollars, they would b___h that the bills were wrinkled.


They are probably the same ones that would gripe if they were hung with a new rope.

I say that we hang them anyhow and split the money.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> View attachment 106744


Not realistic enough.

It needs to be smeared with copious amounts of human excrement.


----------



## Pony

How I felt after getting gas this morning, after it went up 60 cents over the past week. Then, on the way home from town this afternoon, I saw that the gas went up another 20 cents over the course of the day.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Digitalis




----------



## Pony

Digitalis said:


> View attachment 106771


So wrong, and yet, so amusing....


----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Tom Horn

Eagle_and_hawk said:


>


Oh great! Now Oklahoma Joe's is going to latch onto this and use it to advertise that their smoker is the best because it has been around forever.


----------



## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> Oh great! Now Oklahoma Joe's is going to latch onto this and use it to advertise that their smoker is the best because it has been around forever.


Anything with Oklahoma in the name can't know much about smoking 🍖.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

nchobbyfarm said:


>


A poor man is crazy, a rich man is eccentric.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




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## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 106810


_Follow the science._


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Evons hubby

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 106815


Heckuva place for her to leave it! Lol


----------



## NRA_guy

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards as it is forwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

If a black box in a plane is indestructible, why can't they make the whole plane out of it?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container?

Why call it a building if it's already been built?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind Eskimos heave seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do we call it a hot water heater if the water is already hot?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Is there another word for thesaurus?

Is the color orange called that because it's the color of the fruit of the same name, or was the fruit called orange because that's its color? Which came first, the color or the fruit?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?

What do they pack Styrofoam in?

Why did God give men nipples?

Is grass really greener on the other side?

Do boxer shorts box?

Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is it called a "near miss" when you don't hit something?

When sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their signs?

Before the light bulb was invented, what appeared over peoples heads when they had an idea?

If you spin an Oriental person around and around, does he become disorientated?

If a vegetable goes into a coma, is it called a person?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why does the word monosyllabic contain five syllables?

If you wear an antennae to a wedding, would the reception be better?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box what color would it change to?

Why do people point to their wrist when they want to know the time? Do I point to my crotch when I want to know where the bathroom is?

Why is there an 's' in lisp?

If you were scared half to death twice, would you be 3/4 dead or 100% dead?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest end up drowning as well?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If you asked a librarian where the books on self help were would they tell you, or would that defeat the purpose?

If ATM stands for Automatic Teller Machine, why do we call it an ATM machine? And if PIN stands for Personal Identification Number, why do we call it a PIN number?


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## NRA_guy




----------



## Nimrod

I don't shop at Aldies anymore. Their carts are all Democrats. They require you to pay for them and they all pull to the left.


----------



## 67drake

Now I want to choke a Smurf, just out of curiosity of course.


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


That was the best list like that I have seen.

Not a dud in the bunch.

Thanks for putting it up.


----------



## Hiro




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## TxGypsy




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## Tom Horn

TxMex said:


> View attachment 106839


Do that and you'll be singing this...


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## Tom Horn

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth. He populated the Earth and caused it to produce broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes” and Woman said, “As long as you’re at it add sprinkles.” They gained 10 pounds, and Satan smiled.

God created the yogurt so that Woman might keep the figure Man found so fair. But Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. Then Woman went from a size 6 to a size 14. So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts.

God then said, “I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fired chicken, fish and chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought forth running shoes so His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave them cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained more pounds.

God then gave them lean beef so that they might consume fewer calories and still satisfy their appetite. So Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then he asked, “Do you want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes!” And Satan said, “It is good.” Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created Obamacare.


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## Pony




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## NRA_guy

Pony said:


> View attachment 106844


He left the apostrophe out of "we've".

What is the meaning of the jelly beans in the hand?


----------



## Pony

NRA_guy said:


> He left the apostrophe out of "we've".
> 
> What is the meaning of the jelly beans in the hand?


Those are Red Pills.


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## TxGypsy




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead puss-y. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."


----------



## Tom Horn

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly. “No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Pony




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## Pony

Gets great gas mileage.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

Standing before the judge during an alimony hearing, the man said, “As God is my judge, I do not owe that madwoman money!”
The judge calmly replied, “He isn’t. I am. You do.”


----------



## Tom Horn

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband, and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"


----------



## Tom Horn

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

I think he said this yesterday.


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## TxGypsy




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## TxGypsy




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## Tom Horn

There was once this fella that had the best duck dog in the world.

He needed some money and went to this wealthy man that he knew liked to hunt.

He made his proposal that he would put the dog up as collateral for the loan.

The old boy said that if he could prove that the dog was as good as he said, he would loan him the money.

The fella set up a day to come back and go hunting.

When the day came, they were out in the field and were approaching a pond when the fella said to the wealthy man, "Let's let the dog go ahead."

They did and the dog came back and barked four times. 

The fella said, "There's four ducks on that pond."

Sure enough, there was.

The wealthy man was impressed and wanted to see it again, so off they went to the next pond.

The dog went ahead and barked eight times and sure enough, eight ducks.

The wealthy man said, "Show me that once more and we have a deal."

Third pond, six barks, six ducks.

The fella took the money and went on his way. 

Around four months later he came to repay the loan and get his dog.

When the wealthy man saw him, he said, "I'm awfully sorry, I had to shoot that dog, he went mad."

The fella couldn't believe it and asked what happened.

The wealthy man told him that he was so impressed with the dog that he invited one of his good friends over to hunt.

The dog performed beautifully on the first two ponds.

It was on the third pond where he went mad.

The dog came back from the pond and grabbed up a stick and hit the wealthy man on the legs, he hit his friend on the legs, he hit the bushes and trees with that stick.

His friend started shouting, "Shoot that dog, he's gone mad!"

Well... The wealthy man went on that he didn't want to shoot the dog, but the dog wouldn't stop with the stick... So he shot him.

The feller said, "That dog wasn't mad, he was just trying to tell you that there were more ducks on that pond then you could shake a stick at."


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## TxGypsy




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn




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## Hard Aground

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 107117


Yeah, mash on it and grab top gear in the loaded big rig, it's totally makeable, lol...


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Hard Aground said:


> Yeah, mash on it and grab top gear in the loaded big rig, it's totally makeable, lol...


Hold my beer.

Crap! I was in Georgia overdrive...










Benson?

Just up the road from Tombstone.

I grew up in Peoria, West of Phoenix.


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## Pony




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## NRA_guy




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 107133


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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 107133


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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 107133


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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 107133


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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Tom Horn

nehimama said:


> View attachment 107155


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## Tom Horn

nehimama said:


> View attachment 107154


And God given and constitutional rights are taught and celebrated until students attempt to exercise them.


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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

A married man was having an affair with his secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. 

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock". The wife glanced down at his shoes and said "You lying bas*ard! You've been playing golf again! How much money did you lose this time?"


----------



## Tom Horn

*What do you call a Canadian pit bull?*

An Onterrier.

@wr


----------



## Tom Horn

*A local pub had an electric bull riding competition*

Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed.

A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard.

The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds.

Faster and faster it spun, yet the man still clung on. 4, 5, 6 seconds.

The bull was rotating furiously, the crowd was cheering, yet the man was still there. 7, 8 seconds!

The crowd went crazy, the announcer was screaming down the microphone as the little man climbed off.

The announcer said to the man “This is just incredible. No one else has done this before! What is your secret?”

The man replied “My girlfriend’s an epileptic“.


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## po boy




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 107261


Doesn’t look any different than all my wife’s houseplants after a week or two under her care.


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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

*Russia! Russia! Russia!

To

New York City gives noncitizens right to vote in local elections*


----------



## Tom Horn




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## Pony




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## Pony

Modern TARDIS


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## Pony




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## Pony

Just one more, and I'll stop over-posting to this thread...


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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy

Pony said:


> Just one more, and I'll stop over-posting to this thread...
> 
> View attachment 107319


You can never have too much humor 😁


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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## TxGypsy

Not being a whiny butt, however I'd like to remind folks that there are people that legitimately need to wear a mask.....like me.
I take strong immune suppressants due to a kidney transplant. I'd be wearing a KN-95 if the world had never heard of covid. 
So please don't heckle people in person. It's happened to me....surprisingly quite a bit, especially considering I don't go out much.
You just might run into someone like me that will get right back in your face (figuratively speaking) with a broad east Texas accent and reduce you to the level of a naughty 7 yr old 😁


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## nchobbyfarm




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## Elevenpoint

Pony said:


> View attachment 107287


Right, 3 cookies.
I was depressed because I only had 5 tonight.


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## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave oven!"


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Pony

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 107372


LOL! That's great!


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## 67drake

It might be hard to read, but my son was behind this guy yesterday in traffic.


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## TxGypsy

I think he means America on that one


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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 107465


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## Tom Horn




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## TxGypsy

Kindly remember I didn't write it nor was I in charge of the lack of proofreading


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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## Hiro




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## TxGypsy




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## NRA_guy

TxMex said:


> View attachment 107395


Can somebody please explain the above to me? I have looked at it several times, and I just don't get the underlying message or humor.

Thanks.


----------



## TxGypsy

NRA_guy said:


> Can somebody please explain the above to me? I have looked at it several times, and I just don't get the underlying message or humor.
> 
> Thanks.


You have to have read revelations for this to be funny.
People have a tendency to say things like, well it can't get much worse than this. 
The expression on the boys face is like woooweee can't get worse?! 
If you have read revelations you know it can get a lot worse.


----------



## Tom Horn

Tumbleweeds


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> Can somebody please explain the above to me? I have looked at it several times, and I just don't get the underlying message or humor.
> 
> Thanks.


The meme is saying, "You ain't seen nothing yet."

The Judgment of Satan

*Revelation 20*:*7*When the thousand years are over, Satan will be released from his prison *8*and will go out to deceive the nations in the four corners of the earth—Gog and Magog—and to gather them for battle. In number they are like the sand on the seashore. *9*They marched across the breadth of the earth and surrounded the camp of God’s people, the city he loves. But fire came down from heaven and devoured them. *10*And the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever.

The Judgment of the Dead

*11*Then I saw a great white throne and him who was seated on it. The earth and the heavens fled from his presence, and there was no place for them. *12*And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books. *13*The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what they had done. *14*Then death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. The lake of fire is the second death. *15*Anyone whose name was not found written in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire.


----------



## Tom Horn

Tumbleweeds


----------



## NRA_guy

TxMex said:


> You have to have read revelations for this to be funny.
> People have a tendency to say things like, well it can't get much worse than this.
> The expression on the boys face is like woooweee can't get worse?!
> If you have read revelations you know it can get a lot worse.


OK. Thanks.

Yeah I've read Revelations some. I just can't see that in the boy's expression.

But I understand what you're saying. Thanks again.


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## NRA_guy




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Pony

TxMex said:


> View attachment 107477
> 
> 
> Kindly remember I didn't write it nor was I in charge of the lack of proofreading


They never outgrow it.

DH is bald. (This is important to the story.)

One day, whilst on a date to Builder's Square (remember those?), then not-yet-fiance decided to grab one of those little plumber's helpers, stick it on to his smooth pate, and chase me around the store, making interesting animal noises.

How could you not marry a fellow like that?


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> They never outgrow it.
> 
> DH is bald. (This is important to the story.)
> 
> One day, whilst on a date to Builder's Square (remember those?), then not-yet-fiance decided to grab one of those little plumber's helpers, stick it on to his smooth pate, and chase me around the store, making interesting animal noises.
> 
> How could you not marry a fellow like that?


It depends on what animal noises he was mimicking?


----------



## whiterock

A unicorn?


----------



## TxGypsy

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Hiro




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## Pony

nehimama said:


> View attachment 107538


This was me, after a few years of digging around in clients' brains.


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony

nehimama said:


> View attachment 107533


----------



## Pony




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## Hiro




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## mreynolds

nehimama said:


> View attachment 107533



Hey, I might have wrote that.


----------



## 67drake

Hiro said:


> View attachment 107540


And theirs your answer!
Maybe she thought the pump handle was wearing a mask.


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## TxGypsy




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## Tom Horn

nehimama said:


> View attachment 107534


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## TxGypsy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

A Jewish man moves into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday afternoon, the Catholics practically go crazy -- because while they're eating only fish, the Jew is in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones, "Born a Jew......Raised a Jew ......Now a Catholic." 

The Catholics are ecstatic; no more delicious, but maddening, smells every Friday afternoon! But come the next Friday, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to _remind_ him of his new diet. They find him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipping in water. He sprinkles water over the meat, saying, "Born a cow ......Raised a cow ......Now a fish!"


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## Tom Horn

*The Psychiatric Hotline*

Hello, Welcome to the "Psychiatric Hotline. "If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. 

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid-Delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.


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## Pony




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn

Two construction workers are in the field digging a hole on an extremely hot day while the boss oversees under the comfort of a giant oak tree. One worker says to the other, "How come we do all the work, and he sits under the giant oak in the shade and gets most of the money?" as he pointed to the boss. The other guy says, "I don't know, go ask him." 

So, the first worker climbs out of the hole and goes up to the boss and says, "Hey, how come we do all the work, and you sit under the giant oak in the shade and gets most of the money?" The boss says, "Intelligence." The first worker says, "What's that?" The boss puts his hand on a tree and says, "Hit my hand as hard as you can!" The first worker takes a big swing and with all his might tries to hit the boss' hand. Just as he almost does, the boss pulls his hand away and he hits the tree really hard! The boss says, "That's intelligence." 

Still smarting, the first worker returns to his coworker. His coworker says, "What did he say?" The first worker says, "The boss said, 'Intelligence.'" The coworker asks, "What's that?" The first worker places his hand in front of his own face and says with a sheepish look, "Hit my hand as hard as you can. . ."


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

A Jewish couple won twenty million dollars in the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. Upon arriving they found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to the United States to their home. 

The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Lox."


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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 107621


They need to be careful about having that dog running around where dyslexic people can see it.


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## sweetbabyjane




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## 67drake

I’m no kid, but I have no idea who Rick Ashley is, or the ham one.


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## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> I’m no kid, but I have no idea who Rick Ashley is, or the ham one.


The first one is a play on the lyrics to this song's chorus.






The second is a play on the lyrics to this song.


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## 67drake

Lol. OK. But where does the ham come in? I’m dense I guess.


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## 67drake

Ok, now I see. I guess it does kinda sound like hams instead of hands. I’m going to bed.


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## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> Lol. OK. But where does the ham come in? I’m dense I guess.












Chorus:

Hands, (ham), touching hands,(hams), reaching out,(ham with outstretched arms), touching me, touching you, (last panel of the meme.)


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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 107628


Two gulls for every buoy.


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## Tom Horn

*My psychology professor asked for an example of a "Pavlovian Response".*

I said that thanks to my mom's cooking, I salivate when I hear a smoke alarm.


----------



## Tom Horn

When the children passed an old house on their way home from school, they were always rubbing their sticks on the balcony railing and enjoying the sound. The older owner, who had been bothered by the noise for a long time, had a really good idea instead of scolding the kids.

He called the children over to him: "Children, the noise you make sounds very nice, I'll give you a dollar a day if you keep going like this." So, he gave the kids a dollar a day.

In the second week he called the children over again: "Children, my money is scarce, I can only give you fifty cents, not a dollar."

Now three weeks had passed, and the old man called the children over to him for the last time: "Children, unfortunately I have no money, so I can't give you anymore." The children: "No money, no noise" and so they stopped rubbing the sticks on the balcony railing.


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## Tom Horn

*Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.*

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$250 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."


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## Tom Horn

*I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...*

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.


*At this point I know so much about psychology*

... that I could probably write a whole book about the Diane Kruger effect.


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## Tom Horn

A woman's husband comes home wasted every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?" "We might as well," slurs the husband.

"I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."


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## Tom Horn




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## Digitalis




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## TxGypsy

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh ****” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## mreynolds

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 107673


We can buy a loaf a bread.

Maybe?

I'm moving to Zimbabwe next year.


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## TxGypsy

The State of Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife sends a letter to a home/landowner asking for permission to access a creek on his property to document the decline in a certain species of unheard of frogs.

The property owners' response in the second letter is EPIC.

Letter from Washington Dept. Of Fish & Wildlife:

Dear Landowner:
WDFWR Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.

Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.

Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not.

If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

Sincerely

Steve Niemela

Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist

*** ****
**** ***

RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS:

Dear Mr. Niemela:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.

We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the "Frog Survey License" ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a "Frog Habitat" parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).

You will also need an "Invasive Species" stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add'l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for Non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.

If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your "Creek Habitat" stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident).

Survey units open between 8 am. And 3 PM. But you cannot commence survey until 9 am. And must cease all survey activity by 1 PM.

Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18 in handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6' from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.

After 1 PM. You can use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the "Frog Net Endorsement" ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident).

Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.

As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our "Premium Survey" units and application is again only $8.00 per application.

However, all fees can be waived if you can verify "Native Indian Tribal rights and status".

You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of "Frog Surveys" and your "Comprehensive Course on Frog Identification, Safe Handling Practices, and Self-Defense Strategies for Frog Attacks."

This course is offered on-line through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Sincerely,

Larry & Amanda Anderson.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."


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## Tom Horn

Comedians' Best Lines, 1997

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

--Larry Miller


"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

--Christopher Case


"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger


"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

--Ellen DeGeneres


"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen


"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

--Dick Cavett


"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

--A. Whitney Brown


"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

--Jon Stewart


"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone


"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson


"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

--Jack Mayberry


"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien


"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

--Bruce Baum


"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

--Jeff Stilson


"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy


"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

--Rita Mae Brown


"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

--Rita Rudner


"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

--Jerry Seinfeld


"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman


"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

--Jay Leno


"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

--Lily Tomlin


"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

--Jerry Seinfeld


"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."

--????


----------



## Tom Horn

*People might think you are a Red-neck if...*

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies*

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.


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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Digitalis

Tom Horn said:


> *People might think you are a Red-neck if...*
> 
> ...
> 
> You think cur is a breed of dog.


Hold up now! I just got my Mountain View Cur! Can already tell he's going to be a fantastic dog.


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## Tom Horn

Digitalis said:


> Hold up now! I just got my Mountain View Cur! Can already tell he's going to be a fantastic dog.
> 
> View attachment 107686


Yeah, I know. My nephew has one of these.








Black Mouth Cur

I guess that validates the list.

Maybe we are the sons of different mothers, that in reality are our older sisters.


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## NRA_guy

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 107685


Did you know that is racist? (Isn't everything nowadays?)
---------------------
_On the surface, the song is a black slave's lament over his white master's death in a horse-riding accident. The song, however, is also interpreted as having a subtext of celebration about that death and of the slave's having contributed to it through deliberate negligence or even deniable action._
--------------------
Read all about it


----------



## Evons hubby

Everyone knows a cur mutt is just a silly green frog.


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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Digitalis




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## GunMonkeyIntl

*NBC responds to reality:*










*CornPop responds to NBC:*


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Hiro




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## po boy




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## Hiro




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## nehimama

They just can't keep it to themselves.


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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## GunMonkeyIntl

nehimama said:


> They just can't keep it to themselves.


I had a work buddy, grizzled old former military guy, built like a gorilla, that, when we were struck with the long-layover-goofies, would do that to random dudes in the airport restroom. After he’d settled in and got his stream going, he’d bump his shoulder into the guy next to him and loudly say “_Hey! Niiiice waaatch!_”


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## TxGypsy




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## Hiro




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## TxGypsy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## TxGypsy

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 107793


Talk about waving a red flag in front of a bull!!!


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## Tom Horn




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## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 107788


*JUDGE DIBS LIVES!!!*


----------



## Tom Horn

*I woke up late one **morning,** so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water*

I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"*

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?"

The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."


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## TxGypsy




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony

This reminds me of a song my favorite aunt used to sing...


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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## NRA_guy

nehimama said:


> View attachment 107823


Well, one things for certain, Ol' Bill knows what a woman is.


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## Hiro

NRA_guy said:


> Well, one things for certain, Ol' Bill knows what a woman is.


Or girl.


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## Tom Horn

*Gratitude*

Little birdie in the sky,

dropped some whitewash in my eye,

I don't worry, I don't cry,

I'm just glad that cows don't fly.


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## Tom Horn

nehimama said:


> View attachment 107820


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Pony




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## sharkerbaby

Pony said:


> *JUDGE DIBS LIVES!!!*


Question... How many people here have any idea what this means? And of those who get it, how many are NOT from the Chicagoland area?


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## Tom Horn

sharkerbaby said:


> Question... How many people here have any idea what this means? And of those who get it, how many are NOT from the Chicagoland area?


Thank you @sharkerbaby




> Judge Dibs is keeper of the Dibstitution, the hallowed document that tells Chicagoans how long they may use ugly bits of furniture and other junk to claim shoveled-out street parking spaces.
> 
> Some of you think Dibs is ridiculous. Too bad. Others will have Dibs-related issues, questions about furniture combinations--broken high chairs paired with fishnet-stocking leg lamps and so on. File your petitions with me, Judge Dibs, at [email protected].
> 
> Yet be warned. No groveling. And absolutely no bribing.
> 
> But I will accept free advice on how to cook a standing rib roast (in a Weber Kettle or smoker) for Christmas, since I really want to, but don't know how.
> 
> Meanwhile, as Judge Dibs' faithful clerk prepares the courtroom, it's time for readers to have their writes on other stuff:
> 
> Link To Article


PS Judge Dibbs,

Here is your recipe for a Standing Prime Rib roast prepared in a Webber Kettle.


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## sharkerbaby

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 107871


What were you going for here? The attachment is a bad link.


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## sharkerbaby

awww, you fixed the link and ruined my poll.


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## Tom Horn

sharkerbaby said:


> What were you going for here? The attachment is a bad link.


The link to the article describing Judge Dibbs worked in my posting.

You may try it again here.


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## Pony

@sharkerbaby, posting about Judge Dibs was my shout out to my Chi-town tribe. 

Judge Dibs (aka John Kass) is one of my favorite writers of all time. And as @Tom Horn notes, Kass is the master of the grill. (His aunt's recipe for gemista definitely rocks, too.)

He was booted from the "legacy media" paper in Chicago, and now has his own web site on which to pontificate about life, the universe, and everything - including Chicago corruption.






The New Home of John Kass - JohnKassNews.com


Read the latest John Kass column here, only on JohnKassNews.com. With columns, podcasts, and more, this is the new home of John Kass.



johnkassnews.com


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## Tom Horn

sharkerbaby said:


> awww, you fixed the link and ruined my poll.


My apologies.

It was @Pony who brought up Judge Dibbs in the first place.

I took it that your question was one of pointing out that she was deficient in providing adequate information.

I provided the missing information.


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## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> My apologies.
> 
> It was @Pony who brought up Judge Dibbs in the first place.
> 
> I took it that your question was one of pointing out that she was deficient in providing adequate information.
> 
> I provided the missing information.


Looking back over it, though, it appears that @sharkerbaby was curious as to how many people know of Judge Dibs. 

And now, unless we go back and delete everything, the point is moot.

But still, it would be fun to see if anyone else has been following Kass.


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## sharkerbaby

@Pony ding ding ding, I obviously was way to obscure in my post because sheesh look what it has wrought? sorry all. Re: dibs, to really explore dibs in all its glory it would take a whole separate thread but instead I'll leave this...

Chicago Dibs

re: Kass, his ouster was a disgrace! But he's doing great with his own site and sits in regularly on my favorite morning radio program. His grilling and gardening are the talk of the town (or at least my circle of town).


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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Pony




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## Pony

sharkerbaby said:


> @Pony ding ding ding, I obviously was way to obscure in my post because sheesh look what it has wrought? sorry all. Re: dibs, to really explore dibs in all its glory it would take a whole separate thread but instead I'll leave this...
> 
> Chicago Dibs
> 
> re: Kass, his ouster was a disgrace! But he's doing great with his own site and sits in regularly on my favorite morning radio program. His grilling and gardening are the talk of the town (or at least my circle of town).


After Royko passed, I was delighted to discover Kass.

A while back, when his godmother's husband was caught in some dodgy dealings, Kass did not back down on reporting it. He caught flak from family about it, but I was impressed by his integrity. Shot him an email to tell him so.

Kass graciously wrote back to me. I held on to the email for the longest time, and then, one day... I don't know how, but I deleted it.

Don't always agree with Kass, but always respect him.

I'm a monthly subscriber to his site.


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## Tom Horn

*I learned something really cool today.*

When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently, it's a very very rare condition. So, to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally, his parents got a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only could he remove the ear permanently, but through a proprietary skin grafting technique, leave very little scarring behind.

So, they went to Manchester to get him prepped for the surgery, but just before the surgery, he took one last look into a mirror and bid a fond farewell to his final front ear.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Girlfriend: "Why do you have a photo of this hairy, tattooed, scarred butt on your computer?"*

Me: "You found it... You found the Pirate's Booty."


----------



## Tom Horn

*My wife is pissed off at me...*

She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently "honey, don't worry, your tits will cover it up" was not the right answer.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A woman finds a lamp and of course it contains a genie...*

... which offers to give her only one wish as he is very much tired from his 10.000 years of imprisonment.

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I want is for wars to end.'' She drags forth a handy map of the world. ,,See these countries? They are scarred with ancient blood feuds. You should show them peace. Yes, that's my wish.''

,,B-but ma'am, that's impossible! Their hearts are so hardened, and I would have to prevent droughts and hunger and disarm all threats...-'' the genie pleas desperately.

,,Very well, since you're so tired, I guess I'll settle for something else. Now... I've been without a man for so long, and my last husband was nothing short of a rat, so I'd like a man. A man that... does the laundry and the dishes and vacuums the house. He must be gentle in manners but wild and talented in bed, and of course sexy and handsome. He must love me more than anything else in this world and tell me so each day with a bouquet of flowers. But most of all he'll have to understand me. Yes, that's what I want, the perfect man.''

The genie sighs. ,,Just hand me the map.''


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man walks into a bar...*

Shadily dressed in a trench coat with the collar pulled up and a fedora pulled down over his face. A livid scar runs down his cheek, and his two-tone shoes are dangerously polished. In his hands he's carrying an accordion case. The bar falls completely silent. All of the patrons turn pale and freeze as the man strolls up to the bar and sets the case down on the counter. Everyone holds their breath. Suddenly, the man flips open the case and pulls out a machine gun! And everyone in the bar breathes a sigh of relief.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 107892


That's funny, but does it kind of bother anybody else to see the United States referred to as "America"?

The name of our country is "United States", not "America".

In my mind America (North America) includes the US, Canada, and Mexico---and I suppose Guatemala, Nicaragua, Costa Rico, and Panama, although I rarely think of them. 

And maybe all of South America.

It's not a big deal, but just one of my little pet peeves.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> That's funny, but does it kind of bother anybody else to see the United States referred to as "America"?
> 
> The name of our country is "United States", not "America".
> 
> In my mind America (North America) includes the US, Canada, and Mexico---and I suppose Guatemala, Nicaragua, Costa Rico, and Panama, although I rarely think of them.
> 
> And maybe all of South America.
> 
> It's not a big deal, but just one of my little pet peeves.


Um, your point is well taken, however, you need to reread the meme.

America, (common default reference for the USA) is the best country, in the nation, (nation also being a reference for the USA.)

Thereby making the sign read the USA is the best country in the USA.

Kind of an exercise in redundancy.

Personally, I refer to the USA as 'The States' for the reasons you suggest in your pet peeve.


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## Hiro




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## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> *I learned something really cool today.*
> 
> When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently, it's a very very rare condition. So, to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.
> 
> So finally, his parents got a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only could he remove the ear permanently, but through a proprietary skin grafting technique, leave very little scarring behind.
> 
> So, they went to Manchester to get him prepped for the surgery, but just before the surgery, he took one last look into a mirror and bid a fond farewell to his final front ear.


----------



## TxGypsy




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 107905


Sheesh!

That was some of my best work.

Everybody's a critic.


----------



## Digitalis

NRA_guy said:


> That's funny, but does it kind of bother anybody else to see the United States referred to as "America"?
> 
> The name of our country is "United States", not "America".
> 
> In my mind America (North America) includes the US, Canada, and Mexico---and I suppose Guatemala, Nicaragua, Costa Rico, and Panama, although I rarely think of them.
> 
> And maybe all of South America.
> 
> It's not a big deal, but just one of my little pet peeves.


'Murica. No confusion there!


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony

What about avocado WITH bacon? 

Yum!


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## Hiro




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## NRA_guy




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## Pony




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## TxGypsy




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy

Funny, but true (Mar 15, 2022);
-------------------------
A bizarre 911 call came in to Hernando County (Florida), in which a Spring Hill man called authorities concerned about the meth he just purchased from a stranger at a bar.

According to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office, 41-year-old Thomas Colucci called 911 on Thursday night wanting them to check to see if the meth he had bought was real or fake. Authorities say he told them he bought meth from a man he met at a bar.

Deputies say Colucci told authorities he was an “experienced drug user” who “knew what it should feel like.”

“I sniffed a little bit and I think what I got was bath salts,” he said.

Colucci then requested an unmarked squad car from the dispatcher.

“I don’t want anybody to come in the house, ’cause I’m really paranoid these guys will want to kill me,” he said. “Can you send an unmarked car so I can show him what he sold me? I really wanna show a police officer what he sold me.”

Authorities said Colucci handed them two bags of the drug. Field testing confirmed the presence of methamphetamine.

Colucci was charged with possession of the drug, along with two counts of possession of drug paraphernalia.
--------------------------


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## 67drake

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 107975


Oh, I wish I knew who posted that. I’d go out mudding with my buddies and park in front of their house.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Digitalis




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## NRA_guy

I see that it was a 2017 Ford Expedition. Most vehicles nowadays don't have room for a chicken to get under the hood.


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## NRA_guy

Possible dupe:


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


>


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 108063


They wouldn't survive a week.


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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## Tom Horn

TxMex said:


> View attachment 108072


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## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> They wouldn't survive a week.


I agree.

Their Che Guevara T-shirts would be wet with tears.


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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 108104


Bravo!


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## Tom Horn

nchobbyfarm said:


> Bravo!


Is that you Stone Cold Steve Austin?


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## Pony




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## nchobbyfarm

Tom Horn said:


> Is that you Stone Cold Steve Austin?
> View attachment 108148


What


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## nchobbyfarm




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## poppy




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## Hiro

Not humor, but it seemed the best existing thread to post in:


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## Pony




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## Hiro




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## Tom Horn

Hiro said:


> View attachment 108203


If I understand this right, If that feller got what he truly wanted he would #1 have to have his britches tailor made and #2 would scare rather than score with it.

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, he got into the farmer’s Mercedes and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his member and he’d pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks


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## Tom Horn




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## poppy




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## poppy




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## poppy




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## Hiro




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## Tom Horn




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 108266


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## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 108230


Danger, danger, danger....


----------



## mreynolds

poppy said:


> View attachment 108241


I lost 20 IQ points watching that movie.


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## Tom Horn




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## Pony

mreynolds said:


> I lost 20 IQ points watching that movie.


What movie was that, so I can avoid it?


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Hiro




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## Hiro

I know it will get vetoed by the boss, but I am putting in a request for a bathroom add on/decoration:


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## Hiro




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## poppy




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## Tom Horn

Hiro said:


> I know it will get vetoed by the boss, but I am putting in a request for a bathroom add on/decoration:





> *The Groom Of The Stool, The Prestigious King’s Aide Who Would ‘Wipe His Nether End’*
> 
> Though the Groom of the Stool transported the king's portable toilet and recorded his bowel movements, the royal toilet attendant was nonetheless a coveted position. The Groom of the Stool was the original sh*t job. Yet, it was one that all noblemen in the realm would’ve died — or killed — to have. Responsible for tending the king during his ablutions and excretions, the Groom of the Stool took care of all the monarch’s bathroom needs — and had his ear all the while. Particularly powerful in the Tudor period, this court position was one that every aristocrat in England dreamed of filling.
> 
> Link


----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> What movie was that, so I can avoid it?


It was called Crash I think. There is 2 movies by that name that came around about the same time. Everyone said you gotta watch this so it rented it. I swore off the friends that told me it was good until I found there was another one. 

Get the one with Sandra Bullock and not the one with Keifer Sutherland.


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## Digitalis




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Pony




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## Pony

Yes, I know there's a typo, but it's still funny.


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## po boy




----------



## kinderfeld

Got yours yet!?!?


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## kinderfeld




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## sniper69

kinderfeld said:


> Got yours yet!?!?
> View attachment 108355


Humping Dogs Calendar 2021-2022: Funny Dog Lover Gag Joke Gifts for Men Women Friends Colleagues: Birthday Ideas, Secret Santa, White Elephant, Stocking Filler or Christmas: Publishing, Id Hump: 9798525081437: Amazon.com: Books you know you want one, lol


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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

kinderfeld said:


> Got yours yet!?!?
> View attachment 108355


The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandary... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name... The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth." Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky... The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment of her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy..."Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fu*king?"


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## Tom Horn




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## Hiro




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## 67drake

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 108435


Ain’t that the truth. Blondes want to be brunettes,vice versa
I’ll admit, I wish my salt and pepper, which I’ve had since my 30’s, was a little more peppery these days.


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## Tom Horn




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## TxGypsy

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

*____*

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

*_*

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

*____*

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

*_*

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

*____*

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential 
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

*___*

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

*__*

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me 

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets 

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that 

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

*____*

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

*____*

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

*____*

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
*____*
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

And that's how the fight started.


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Digitalis




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## NRA_guy

Pony said:


> View attachment 108510


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> View attachment 108469


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## Tom Horn




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## 67drake

nehimama said:


> View attachment 108558


I seriously doubt that the person who wrote that attended anything after 5th grade.


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## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Cowboys and Indians


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Danaus29

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 108580


The funny part is that while the man has 4 fingers and a thumb on each hand, the cow is not anatomically correct.


----------



## Tom Horn

Danaus29 said:


> The funny part is that while the man has 4 fingers and a thumb on each hand, the cow is not anatomically correct.


Whoever drew it is probably a city boy who has never laid eyes on a cow therefore obviously knew a lot more about human physiology than bovine.

One has to wonder if he even realized that his six titted udder represents the place where the milk comes from.

Just like Otis from Barnyard.











He is known as "Otis the cow"...

A male bovine, neither referred to as a steer or bull, with no male anatomy and an udder to boot.

The truly sad part is Sam Elliot plays "Ben the cow" another hermaphrodite bovine.

Sam Elliot... I guess he is all hat and no cattle when it comes right down to being any kind of cowboy.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Tom Horn

*What animal has four legs and one arm?*

A pit bull on a playground.


----------



## Tom Horn

Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.'' 

About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*

Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:

*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...*

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh, then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.

"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.

"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.

The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97*

So he rounded them up.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...*

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."


----------



## Tom Horn

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."


----------



## Chief50

Danaus29 said:


> The funny part is that while the man has 4 fingers and a thumb on each hand, the cow is not anatomically correct.


You have never seen a 6 titted cow? It isn't that rare.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Danaus29

It took me a few seconds.....


----------



## mreynolds

Danaus29 said:


> It took me a few seconds.....


And you saw 2 clowns? 

I saw mine right away.


----------



## Danaus29

mreynolds said:


> And you saw 2 clowns?
> 
> I saw mine right away.


No, the room is dark and the screen is at an angle. It isn't refecting my image. That's why it took me a while.


----------



## Tom Horn

Danaus29 said:


> No, the room is dark and the screen is at an angle. It isn't refecting my image. That's why it took me a while.


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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

*Joe Biden, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin go to a bar*

Bartender (who is somewhat inexperienced) asks what they want to order.

Putin - "I'll have a V and C."
Bartender - "What's a V and C?"
Putin - "Vodka and Coke."

Johnson - "I'll have a G and T."
Bartender - "What's a G and T?"
Johnson - "Gin and tonic."

Biden- "I'll have a 7 and 7."
Bartender - "What's a 7 and 7?"
Biden - "15."


----------



## Pony




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## Pony

Planting season is here!


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## Hiro




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## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


>


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## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


>


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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Digitalis




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## nehimama




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## TxGypsy




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## Digitalis




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## Tom Horn

TxMex said:


>


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




----------



## Digitalis

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1513982231731077121


----------



## Hiro




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## Hiro




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Digitalis




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

I saw this woman in the store yesterday, she has allergies and was tired of being accused of having Covid.

She was nice enough to let me take her picture.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Danaus29

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 108771


That's my sign.


----------



## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> I saw this woman in the store yesterday, she has allergies and was tired of being accused of having Covid.
> 
> She was nice enough to let me take her picture.
> 
> View attachment 108778


Were you at Shetler's?


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> Were you at Shetler's?


Greene County Freight in Springfield.


----------



## TxGypsy

I'd never get the chance to see the shirt. I don't go into stores any more. I really miss thrift stores.


----------



## Tom Horn

TxMex said:


> I'd never get the chance to see the shirt. I don't go into stores any more. I really miss thrift stores.


My thrift store meanderings have been severely curtailed since I lost my leg.

Not many have battery shopping carts.


----------



## TxGypsy

Tom Horn said:


> My thrift store meanderings have been severely curtailed since I lost my leg.
> 
> Not many have battery shopping carts.


I can see where meandering would be much more difficult with 1 leg. 
Though the US is much more handicap friendly than many other countries we still have a ways to go.


----------



## mreynolds

TxMex said:


> I can see where meandering would be much more difficult with 1 leg.
> Though the US is much more handicap friendly than many other countries we still have a ways to go.


I know this is the humor thread but that really chaps my butt. Why do they put doors with automatic closures on them in public restrooms?

Yes, we still have a very long way to go.


----------



## Tom Horn

TxMex said:


> I can see where meandering would be much more difficult with 1 leg.
> Though the US is much more handicap friendly than many other countries we still have a ways to go.


Believe me I have some nightmare stories about how I have been treated because I am crippled that would curl you hair.

I totally understand now why the disabled commit suicide.


----------



## Tom Horn

mreynolds said:


> I know this is the humor thread but that really chaps my butt. Why do they put doors with automatic closures on them in public restrooms?
> 
> Yes, we still have a very long way to go.


Lucky you.

I cannot even access public restrooms and have to sneak around in back of stores in my truck and take a whiz like a hobo.


----------



## TxGypsy

mreynolds said:


> I know this is the humor thread but that really chaps my butt. Why do they put doors with automatic closures on them in public restrooms?
> 
> Yes, we still have a very long way to go.





Tom Horn said:


> Believe me I have some nightmare stories about how I have been treated because I am crippled that would curl you hair.
> 
> I totally understand now why the disabled commit suicide.


My ex walks with 2 crutch/canes. As much as I did for him you'd think he would have wanted to keep me around. So I'm familiar with the multitude of daily obstacles that mobility impaired people face.

It's not the same thing Tom but it sort of is. I'm very immune compromised. I would be wearing a KN-95 if we'd never heard of covid. I've been spit on, shoulder slammed, yelled at and cussed out for wearing a mask the very few times I have gone into stores since last May. I go into stores so seldom and this has happened so often that I can't imagine having to go into stores daily. I'm not asking others to do anything. I'm minding my own business doing what I can to keep myself safe when this happens.

Tom I don't know how long ago you lost your leg but does it seem like the bullying has been worse since covid?


----------



## TxGypsy

Tom Horn said:


> Lucky you.
> 
> I cannot even access public restrooms and have to sneak around in back of stores in my truck and take a whiz like a hobo.


My ex has to do the same thing. He has lousy balance and one foot the toes drop. He keeps a bucket in the truck.
While in a remote area a long way away from a bathroom but with occasional vehicles going by and no brush or cover to speak of......I tried the bucket. Pretty sure it would have gone better if I'd just decided to pee on myself 🤦


----------



## Tom Horn

TxMex said:


> My ex walks with 2 crutch/canes. As much as I did for him you'd think he would have wanted to keep me around. So I'm familiar with the multitude of daily obstacles that mobility impaired people face.
> 
> It's not the same thing Tom but it sort of is. I'm very immune compromised. I would be wearing a KN-95 if we'd never heard of covid. I've been spit on, shoulder slammed, yelled at and cussed out for wearing a mask the very few times I have gone into stores since last May. I go into stores so seldom and this has happened so often that I can't imagine having to go into stores daily. I'm not asking others to do anything. I'm minding my own business doing what I can to keep myself safe when this happens.
> 
> Tom I don't know how long ago you lost your leg but does it seem like the bullying has been worse since covid?


Actually regular people are actually pretty nice it has been a clinic where they refused to see me because I couldn't get myself into see the doctor unassisted, and a store that refused to bring me a battery shopping cart and police that threatened me for reporting handicapped parking violators. Stuff like that.

I haven't really noticed any difference since Covid though.


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## TxGypsy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## NRA_guy




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## Digitalis




----------



## NRA_guy

I've always thought that Robin Hood was a Communist.


----------



## Pony

NRA_guy said:


> I've always thought that Robin Hood was a Communist.
> View attachment 108871


Looks like Marx was also a Mason... Wonder about Robin Hood...


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Hiro




----------



## NRA_guy

Pony said:


> View attachment 108877


I don't get that one. You know that the old VW beetles had the engine in the back.

Is that the joke?

Pretty sure that the more recent models (now discontinued) were front wheel drive and had the engine in the front.


----------



## mreynolds

NRA_guy said:


> I don't get that one. You know that the old VW beetles had the engine in the back.
> 
> Is that the joke?
> 
> Pretty sure that the more recent models (now discontinued) were front wheel drive and had the engine in the front.


You let the cat out of the bag. 

Plus, they didn't have water in them either.


----------



## ET1 SS

Pony said:


> Looks like Marx was also a Mason... Wonder about Robin Hood...


I dont think either of them were.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




----------



## nehimama

I posted this one on FB, and had my account terminated.


----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## mreynolds

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 108903


It is seldom after all.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




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## Digitalis




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 108969


Ugh. Wife’s uncle is a great guy, have lots in common with him, except he can spend the day watching golf. I’d rather have a root canal while listening to Nickleback CD’s.


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Hiro




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Post-apocalyptic Charlie Brown and Snoopy


----------



## Tom Horn

It ain't the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of fight in the dog.


----------



## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> Post-apocalyptic Charlie Brown and Snoopy
> View attachment 109006


This made me weep.


----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> This made me weep.


If we don't come together and turn it around, that will be our future.


----------



## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> If we don't come together and turn it around, that will be our future.
> 
> View attachment 109017


I think that ship has sailed. Around 1960. Any, repeat ANY, move in that direction gets met with the full force of the government. See the government's reaction to the 6 January "Save America" rally.


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> I think that ship has sailed. Around 1960. Any, repeat ANY, move in that direction gets met with the full force of the government. See the government's reaction to the 6 January "Save America" rally.



2 Timothy 3: But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. 6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.

That was written over 2000 years ago.

Doomsday prophesiers have always been with us, paralyzing initiative and infusing a sense of hopelessness. 

Until the earth is a raging fireball, the citizens of the US are afforded the opportunity to find the cojones to stop hiding under their beds and reassert their authority as the true leaders of the country.

And make the USA what it ought to be.

Or not, and just keep on pissing and moaning and doing nothing.

And scrambling for government crumbs.


----------



## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> 2 Timothy 3: But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. 6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.
> 
> That was written over 2000 years ago.
> 
> Doomsday prophesiers have always been with us, paralyzing initiative and infusing a sense of hopelessness.
> 
> Until the earth is a raging fireball, the citizens of the US are afforded the opportunity to find the cojones to stop hiding under their beds and reassert their authority as the true leaders of the country.
> 
> And make the USA what it ought to be.
> 
> Or not, and just keep on pissing and moaning and doing nothing.
> 
> And scrambling for government crumbs.


While I agree that we need to be in prayer, and we must always speak truth and do the right thing, that does not necessarily include trying to "fix" the country. 

There are some things over which we have control. There are some things over which we have no control.

Wisdom lies in knowing the difference, and following through accordingly.

NOW - back to the humor, please?


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## po boy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> While I agree that we need to be in prayer, and we must always speak truth and do the right thing, that does not necessarily include trying to "fix" the country.
> 
> There are some things over which we have control. There are some things over which we have no control.
> 
> Wisdom lies in knowing the difference, and following through accordingly.
> 
> NOW - back to the humor, please?




















And now back to the funny papers per your request.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Pony

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 109040


Tu punta es?


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

I've got most of you on ignore, however, you pests keep coming out of the woodwork.


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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Pony said:


> Tu punta es?


Als Bürger der Vereinigten Staaten sind wir aufgerufen, die wahren Führer der Nation zu sein. Die Bürokraten in Washington sind nichts anderes als unsere Diener, doch das Volk hat daneben gestanden und ihnen erlaubt, unser Land Stück für Stück zu zerstören. Es ist die Pflicht eines jeden Bürgers, aufzustehen und sich der Tyrannei zu widersetzen. Christlich oder nicht-christlich. Alles andere ist, dem Ungeziefer in Washington die Zustimmung zu geben.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Hiro




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 109120


That’s actually pretty awesome. It does look like it was a duct tape solution until you consider the extra work that went into the countertop. I bet it makes tandem washing and rinsing cleaner and easier.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Digitalis

Real product, not a joke. Company valued at $525 million.


----------



## Tom Horn

nehimama said:


>


And then again, maybe not.


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




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## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Hiro




----------



## NRA_guy

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 109199


The Safety Manager couldn't be there. He's gone to 2 weeks of refresher training in Monterey, California.


----------



## Tom Horn

*What is the difference between a wife and a mistress?*

The mistress says "Oh darling! That was _wonderful_!"

The wife says "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."


----------



## Tom Horn

*What's the difference between mass and weight?*

Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on Catholics.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...*

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands, I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks, "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

Pony said:


>


Not so fast.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## ET1 SS

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 109232


As they pass you.


----------



## Tom Horn

Tom Horn said:


>


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Hiro




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Hiro




----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> View attachment 109270


For 100k.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nehimama




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 109307


VERY sad and interesting---but is it humorous? I'm not seeing it.
Historically, governments have done some terrible things to civilians---and continue doing so today. Unfortunately, anarchy is not good either.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 109307


***, dude?
This is the humor thread.

Edit: I’m not the only one who thought that out of place.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Digitalis

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> ***, dude?
> This is the humor thread.
> 
> Edit: I’m not the only one who thought that out of place.


----------



## VBF

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 109314


Not to out myself as trashy, but toting a kid and drinking a beer is a whole lot easier with a shoulder sling on that gun.

Sent from my moto g(7) using Homesteading Today mobile app


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

VBF said:


> Not to out myself as trashy, but toting a kid and drinking a beer is a whole lot easier with a shoulder sling on that gun.
> 
> Sent from my moto g(7) using Homesteading Today mobile app


A red-neck girl that is a problem solver too.

I think I'm in love.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The Manager and the Karen*

A group of 8 had walked in and were quoted 30-45
mins. It was about 35 mins in that two tables opened
up that we could push together. But apparently the
leader of the pack wanted to speak with me. "Hi, we
were quoted 30 minutes, it's already 10 past, I'm really
upset and I want to know what you're going to do for
me."

We're by the host stand, so I peer over my host's
shoulder and ask her to point out where they are on the
list. Sure enough -- Amanda / 8 / 30-45 mins. I double
check with my host. "Yes, I absolutely verbalize the
quoted time, every time. I'd be stupid not to." This is
one of those hosts who's actually too good at her job
that they fear promoting her (ain't that a real bi-tch,
support staff?). There's no doubt in mind.

I turn back. "My host tells me she quoted you 30-45
minutes, and we're still in that time frame. And your
table's ready as soon as we get place settings on there.
So please just hang tight."
She's not satisfied. "I didn't hear no 45 minutes, I
heard 30! Now what are you going to do for me?"

~click~ Uh oh. I feel it. A dormant dragon. The inner
rage. I recall what one of my favorite veterans passed
on to me: If anyone is ever rude to you or trying to get under
your skin, kill them with kindness. It's the jiu jistu of
mind games. It'll completely disarm them, and what
are they gonna do, complain that you were being too
nice? ~unclick~

"You know, you're absolutely right. I must be
mistaken, the host must be mistaken, and we're gonna
do everything we can to rectify this. Let's go ahead
and get you sat, and I'm gonna buy the table a couple
appetizers! On the house! I'm also gonna make sure to
set you up with our best server!" (It was already the
server's section, I just threw that last part in.)
Karen is taken aback. "Uhh, okay..."

I find the server and catch her up on the situation: A
wild Karen. Couple free apps. Kill them with kindness.
We're all Family at this restaurant, so of course she's
gonna take joy in this too. She hams it up. We bring
them a couple calamari. I walk by the table and stop at
Karen, "So how's everyone this evening?"

"Good..." Certainly a lot more demure, she doesn't
seem to want to make eye contact, other than the side
eyes she was throwing my way as I walking around the
restaurant having a ball with staff and regulars (my
management style is one of high spirits).
"Excellent. Well let me know if y'all need anything else."

She ended up not ordering anything (and the calamari
on her end was untouched). The rest of her party
seemed to be having a blast, but she just sat there
looking uncomfortable the whole meal.

Karen learned a lesson that day about entitlement.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

And this is the epitome of how the word hero in our culture has been so overused that in no longer means anything.










And if you are too obtuse to comprehend the satire behind the truth in the above remarks, please refrain from demonstrating your lack of understanding by attempting to mansplain.

Thank you Captain Obvious


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy

Two robins sat in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I just love baskin' robins."


----------



## NRA_guy

*Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?*
So they can see the battlefield!


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> *Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?*
> So they can see the battlefield!



"What do you call 100,000 men with their hands in the air? The French Army." .


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy




----------



## mreynolds

You can't always get what cha want. 

Mick Jagger




NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 109433


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## Digitalis




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

They just found John Lennon’s missing verse.

Maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## starrynights

Tom Horn said:


> *Did you hear that Donald Trump converted to Judaism?*
> 
> He heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with orange jews.


not funny


----------



## Digitalis

starrynights said:


> not funny


I laughed


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Chief50

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 109496


Now that is funny.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro

Double post...


----------



## po boy




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## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

starrynights said:


> not funny


Sorry that you feel that way. 

I can assure you that there was no Jewish hating motivation behind the post.

I am fond of humor; even self-depreciating humor is fine by me.

Perhaps this will be more to your liking as you are a medical person.

Did you hear about the new CNA that was asked how she washed genitals?

She responded, "The same way that you wash Jews?"

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.


----------



## starrynights

starrynights said:


> not funny





Tom Horn said:


> Sorry that you feel that way.
> 
> I can assure you that there was no Jewish hating motivation behind the post.
> 
> I am fond of humor; even self-depreciating humor is fine by me.
> 
> Perhaps this will be more to your liking as you are a medical person.
> 
> Did you hear about the new CNA that was asked how she washed genitals?
> 
> She responded, "The same way that you wash Jews?"
> 
> Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
> [/Q
> 
> 
> 
> UOTE]





Tom Horn said:


> Sorry that you feel that way.
> 
> I can assure you that there was no Jewish hating motivation behind the post.
> 
> I am fond of humor; even self-depreciating humor is fine by me.
> 
> Perhaps this will be more to your liking as you are a medical person.
> 
> Did you hear about the new CNA that was asked how she washed genitals?
> 
> She responded, "The same way that you wash Jews?"
> 
> Sacred cows make the best hamburger.


Hey, 'Tom'--- surely if you can come up with these ever soooo funny jokes about Jews you can find one about the hundreds of thousands of people in the Ukraine that have lost their lives, families and homes? Come on, show us who you really are and whatcha got.


----------



## Tom Horn

starrynights said:


> Hey, 'Tom'--- surely if you can come up with these ever soooo funny jokes about Jews you can find one about the hundreds of thousands of people in the Ukraine that have lost their lives, families and homes? Come on, show us who you really are and whatcha got.


Are either of my postings bashing Jews, promoting persecution of, or hatred towards Jews?... No.

Israel is about the size of New Jersey, yet all of the Islamic countries surrounding it and bent upon Israel's downfall know not to mess with them.

They don't need you to defend them as they stopped being victims over 70 years ago and started kicking a*s.

My two most beloved instructors are Jews, Jesus and Victor Frankl.

Methinks you would do well to quit stoking your imaginary persecution/victimhood train as I don't believe there be many that want to buy a ticket to ride it.


----------



## Tom Horn

Q: What do you call a donkey with a PHD? 

A: A smart ass.

_Edit; this is no reflection on my above previous posting response... As I don't even have a PHD._


----------



## Tom Horn

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. 

"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. 

"Help us, help us!" yells the other. 

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde. 

"Good idea," said the other. 

"Together, together!"


----------



## Tom Horn

A blonde walks into a doctors office with a gunshot wound to her hand. 

The doctor asks, "How did this happen?" 

She replies, "Well, I was trying to commit suicide, I stuck the gun to my head and then...just before I pulled the trigger... I thought, this is going to be loud. 

So I covered my other ear before pulling the trigger"


----------



## Tom Horn

A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend. 

"After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that." 

"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?" 

"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend. 

"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."


----------



## Tom Horn

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulls over a car for speeding. 

He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. 

The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. 

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your driver's license?" 

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a post. 

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. 

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration.... what's that...?" asked the blonde. 

"It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. 

After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. 

The officer called in to dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. 

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back on, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" 

"Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop-dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. 

"Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back and drop your pants." 

"What? I can't do that. It's... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. 

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher. 

So, the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. 

The blonde looks down and sighs.... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"


----------



## Tom Horn

Guy stands in elevator, door opens, and a hot blonde gets on. 

"T.G.I.F." She says to the man. "S.H.I.T." He says right back. 

"Look, I am not trying to be ugly, I just wanted to say 'Thank God it's Friday" she says. 

He looks at her and says, "I'm not trying to be rude either but ' Sorry, hon, it's Thursday!"


----------



## Tom Horn

Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins? 

A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.


----------



## Tom Horn

A blonde was doing 40 in a 25 mile per hour residential zone when a police cruiser pulled her over. 

The female officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. 

She asked for the blonde's driver's license. 

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?' 

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smarta*s!, it's got your picture on it!" 

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. 

She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. 

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."


----------



## Tom Horn

Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? 

A: There's white-out on the screen. 

Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? 

A: There's writing on the white-out.


----------



## Tom Horn

A blonde girl goes to the city hall to register for welfare benefits. 

"How many children?" asks the council worker. 

"10" replies the blonde girl. "10???" says the council worker. 

"What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" 

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the blonde girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. 

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"


----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


>


The middle one and the one on the right are kinda redundant don'tcha think?


----------



## Danaus29

I know Tonya Harding, but who are the other 2?


----------



## nchobbyfarm

The far right is Hillary's husband's girlfriend.


----------



## Evons hubby

The guy in the middle is michelle Obama’s husbands boyfriend.


----------



## Danaus29

nchobbyfarm said:


> The far right is Hillary's husband's girlfriend.


Ok, Monica.



Evons hubby said:


> The guy in the middle is michelle Obama’s husbands boyfriend.


Still drawing a blank.


----------



## po boy

Danaus29 said:


> Ok, Monica.
> 
> 
> 
> Still drawing a blank.


A football player that can't play football and likes to kneel to disrespect the flag. No one will hire him because kneelers do not have talent. 


kaepernick - Google Search


----------



## sniper69

Danaus29 said:


> Ok, Monica.
> 
> 
> 
> Still drawing a blank.


The one in the center is Kapernik (sp?). Football player that took a knee.


----------



## Digitalis

starrynights said:


> Hey, 'Tom'--- surely if you can come up with these ever soooo funny jokes about Jews you can find one about the hundreds of thousands of people in the Ukraine that have lost their lives, families and homes? Come on, show us who you really are and whatcha got.


We Jews have a long history of appreciating humor. I've heard plenty of mean-spirited jokes about Jews, but these two didn't come across that way. I don't claim to be the arbitrator, but I can give you my take. I may be the only Jew who actively posts here.

I don't know any Ukrainian jokes, but there are plenty about Poland, and history there is every bit as tragic. Yiddish folk tales about "The Wise Men of Chelm," which is a town in Poland go way back. The story is an angle had a sack full of foolish souls and was taking them back to heaven for repair when the sack tore and dumped them all out, creating a town of fools.

“Which is more important, the sun or the moon?” a citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi. “What a silly question!” replied the rabbi. “The moon, of course! It shines at night when we really need it. But who needs the sun to shine when it’s already broad daylight outside?”


----------



## Danaus29

po boy said:


> A football player that can't play football and likes to kneel to disrespect the flag. No one will hire him because kneelers do not have talent.
> 
> 
> kaepernick - Google Search





sniper69 said:


> The one in the center is Kapernik (sp?). Football player that took a knee.


No wonder I didn't know that one. I don't watch football.


----------



## starrynights

Tom Horn said:


> Are either of my postings bashing Jews, promoting persecution of, or hatred towards Jews?... No.
> 
> Israel is about the size of New Jersey, yet all of the Islamic countries surrounding it and bent upon Israel's downfall know not to mess with them.
> 
> They don't need you to defend them as they stopped being victims over 70 years ago and started kicking a*s.
> 
> My two most beloved instructors are Jews, Jesus and Victor Frankl.
> 
> Methinks you would do well to quit stoking your imaginary persecution/victimhood train as I don't believe there be many that want to buy a ticket to ride it.


I'm sorry you cannot show empathy and choose to sink to the level of total ignorance. I'm sorry for you.


----------



## starrynights

Digitalis said:


> We Jews have a long history of appreciating humor. I've heard plenty of mean-spirited jokes about Jews, but these two didn't come across that way. I don't claim to be the arbitrator, but I can give you my take. I may be the only Jew who actively posts here.
> 
> I don't know any Ukrainian jokes, but there are plenty about Poland, and history there is every bit as tragic. Yiddish folk tales about "The Wise Men of Chelm," which is a town in Poland go way back. The story is an angle had a sack full of foolish souls and was taking them back to heaven for repair when the sack tore and dumped them all out, creating a town of fools.
> 
> “Which is more important, the sun or the moon?” a citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi. “What a silly question!” replied the rabbi. “The moon, of course! It shines at night when we really need it. But who needs the sun to shine when it’s already broad daylight outside?”


I am Jewish, so now there are 2


----------



## mreynolds

starrynights said:


> I am Jewish, so now there are 2


There are a few others here too iirc.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## NRA_guy

Hey! I'm a Southerner with extremely rural roots, but we don't mind Southern r e d n e c k jokes. In fact, we think that they are hilarious.


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> Hey! I'm a Southerner with extremely rural roots, but we don't mind Southern r e d n e c k jokes. In fact, we think that they are hilarious.


Okay, you asked for it.

After having their eleventh child, a red-neck couple
named Bubba and Mary Sue decided that enough was enough,
(They couldn't afford a larger doublewide). So, Bubba went
to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he
and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him to get a vasectomy that would fix the problem. 
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, 
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

Figgerin' that the physician couldn't be wrong, he
went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count on his right hand, 
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer 
can between his legs and resumed counting on his left hand, 
"6, 7, 8, 9..."


----------



## mreynolds

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 109513


Every team has one of those. The coach.


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> Hey! I'm a Southerner with extremely rural roots, but we don't mind Southern r e d n e c k jokes. In fact, we think that they are hilarious.


But wait! There's more.

A red-neck couple had 9 children. They went to the doctor to
see about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, would they choose to do
this.

The husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out of
every 10 children being born in North America was Mexican and they
didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish


----------



## Tom Horn

starrynights said:


> I'm sorry you cannot show empathy and choose to sink to the level of total ignorance. I'm sorry for you.


I am one quarter Newfoundlander, so according to your bloodline percentage scale I am a Bonafide Newfie. 

So... * Cracks knuckles *

*Riddle me this Batman, In Newfie speak, is Newfoundland one word, Or three?*

Did you hear about the Newfie that heard that Quebec was going to secede from Canada and form its own country?

He got all excited because he figured the drive to Toronto from the Maritimes would be shorter.

*Did you hear about the two Newfies that were going to Toronto to make their fortune and return home?

They got to Toronto with $1000 seed money.

They were walking around downtown and saw a sign in a window, it read, Suits, $25, Jackets, $15, Slacks, $10 Shirts, $5.

They looked at one another and said, "Let's just buy a whole bunch of suits and shirts, go home, and sell them there."

So they go into the shop, approach the proprietor and order $1000 worth of clothes.

The proprietor looks at them and says, "You two are from Newfoundland, aren't you?"

They reply, "Yes, how did you know?"

The proprietor said, "This is a dry cleaner."*

Oh, I feel so dirty for betraying myself and my Newfie peeps by relating Newfie jokes.

I could spank myself, but I might like it.

I'm so...


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## cannonfoddertfc

starrynights said:


> Hey, 'Tom'--- surely if you can come up with these ever soooo funny jokes about Jews you can find one about the hundreds of thousands of people in the Ukraine that have lost their lives, families and homes? Come on, show us who you really are and whatcha got.


Since Tom was struggling, I figured I would come to his aid:

*Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.*
They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

*What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?*
They both suffered the loss of one very important port.

*An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a small plane*
The American gets up, goes to the window (it's not _that_ small a plane) pulls a wad of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"

*Why did the Ukraine elect a comedian as president?*
They needed someone who could turn even a Russian invasion into a joke

*Old Jewish joke.*
A group of Ukrainian villagers are trying to get a cow to mate with a bull.

Try as they might, the cow refused to mate with any bull at all.

The villagers take the cow to the rabbi to ask for help.

The Rabbi inspects the cow then asks the villagers, "is the cow from Kiev?"

"Yes..." replied the villagers.

"Aha," exclaimed the Rabbi "that's why she won't mate with the bull."

"How do you know this?" asked the villagers, intrigued.

"My wife's from Kiev." replied the Rabbi.



You are welcome, I will be here all week...


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Tom Horn

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.

The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community’s minister to reason with the giant. But before they could even say one word the giant kicked them down the mountain. The Trids thought maybe this was because the giant was Catholic, so they sent another group, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached, the giant once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the giant was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they asked a rabbi of a different community for help. The Rabbi led a group of Trids up the mountain. The giant saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, knowing the giant’s past, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the giant. The giant laughed and replied

“Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”


----------



## Tom Horn

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play. The boy's father asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."


----------



## Tom Horn

*The first Jewish President of the United States is elected*

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh, I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."

"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."

"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"

"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"

She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.

"Who was that?"

"My son."

* gasp * "The doctor??"

No, the other one."


----------



## Tom Horn

*I'm singing at a wedding where a Jewish man is marrying a Catholic woman*

I'll be performing the Oy Vey Maria


----------



## Tom Horn

*An Arab walks into a bra store owned by Jewish guy.*

The Arab finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure, I'll buy 100." 

The next day the Arab comes back to the bra shop and looks around and finds another bra he likes. The Jewish guy smiles and decides to mark up the price. He goes up to the Arab and says "That's a great lace bra. It's imported from Italy, it's very popular and worn by celebrities. They go for $75 per bra" The Arab nods and says "Sure, I'll buy 150 of them." 

The next day after that the Arab comes back again to the bra shop and finds another bra. The Jewish guy gets excited and thinks 'I'm gonna get him this time and says "This is our brand new silk bra imported from France. Only the finest materials used and it's extremely comfortable. I can sell you these for $100 each" The Arab nods and says "I'll take 200 of them" 

They go to the counter and the Jewish guy gets curious and asks, "If I may ask you a question, what are you doing with all these bras?" The Arab smiles and says "I cut them in half and sell them as yarmulkes for $200 apiece.”


----------



## Tom Horn

*A poor Jewish tailor has a son...*

So, he goes to see the mohel and tells him, "My son must be circumcised, but I have no money to pay you."

After thinking for a moment, the mohel gets a huge jar from his shelf and gives it to the tailor. "For all my years as a mohel, I haven't known what to do with all the foreskins, so I put them in this jar. Take them and make something for me, and you don't have to pay."

A week goes by, and the tailor returns to hand the mohel a wallet. He looks at it in disbelief, "It is very nice, but all those foreskins and you could only make a wallet?"

The tailor answers, "Yes, but if you rub it a little, it becomes a suitcase."


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Tom Horn

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"


----------



## Tom Horn

Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time?”

The older man sighs and explains: “Look, if I tell you the time, we’ll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we’ll get to know each other, and maybe I’ll eventually invite you to my house for Shabbat dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would really get along – why, you might even get engaged! And why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”


----------



## Tom Horn

The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend." "Why of course," the Lieutenant answers. 

"Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course, you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there." "Why of course," the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant. "Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"


----------



## Tom Horn

Rachel is a very religious woman. One day, a local river bursts its banks and floods her town. The mayor warns everyone to leave. Everyone panics and starts evacuating except for Rachel, who says God will save her.

Soon, the water has filled her first floor, and Rachel goes up to a second story window. A rescuer passes by in a rowboat and offers to help Rachel leave, but she says no – God will save her.

Next, the water rises even further and Rachel clambers up on her roof. A helicopter passes and a rescuer offers to take Rachel away, but she refuses, explaining that God will save her.

Finally, the water rises even higher, and Rachel drowns. She goes to Heaven, where she comes face to face with God and asks, “Why didn’t you save me?”

“I tried,” explains God. “First, I sent you an evacuation order from the mayor, but you didn’t listen. Then I sent you a rescuer in a rowboat and you didn’t listen. Then I sent you a rescue helicopter – and still you ignored me!”


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Tom Horn

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." 

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes, I am. 

But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? 

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? 

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? 

Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? 

Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." 

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" 

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

@starrynights


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida

Appropriate around here, given snow flakes came down yesterday and the temps dropped below freezing last night.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## NRA_guy

Where's the closest drive-through car wash?


----------



## NRA_guy

Is this too risque for this thread?


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## JRHill02

I enjoy getting the Babylonbee newsletter. A recent headline:









Disinformation Governance Board Determines All Criticism Of Disinformation Governance Board To Be Disinformation


WASHINGTON, D.C.—In its first official act, the new DHS Government Disinformation Board ruled today that all criticism of the Government Disinformation Board is disinformation. This comes in response to sharp criticism from conservatives, which they say is untrue and unwarranted.




babylonbee.com


----------



## Hiro




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy

Some people have more money than sense. This is one of those people:


----------



## Danaus29

He should have just given it to me. I would have treated it better than that.
Shame on the city of Boca Raton for planting trees so close to the sidewalks.


----------



## poppy

Funnyman on Twitter: "Expectation vs reality😂😂😂😂🤦‍♂️ https://t.co/4LwjHDBR97" / Twitter


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## NRA_guy

Our new next-door neighbor has 3 nice young girls who have pretty well taken over our house as their second home. The girls are 11, 9, and 7 years old.

They were in our kitchen the other day eating snacks when the wall-mounted, wind-up clock that I built from a kit 50 years ago started bonging the 5:00 p.m. hour: "bong . . . bong . . . bong . . . bong . . . bong".

They all ran into the living room to see what was happening. They thought it was a door bell or something.

They had never seen a wind-up clock, or a clock with a pendulum, or a clock with Roman numerals. 

One told me, "I can't tell what time it is on a non-digital clock."

Photo of my clock:









(And no, they have never bathed in a No. 2 zinc tub, drawn water from a well, used an outdoor toilet, or used a hard-wired phone, and they will never drive a car with a standard transmission.)


----------



## whiterock

NRA_guy said:


> Our new next-door neighbor has 3 nice young girls who have pretty well taken over our house as their second home. The girls are 11, 9, and 7 years old.
> 
> They were in our kitchen the other day eating snacks when the wall-mounted, wind-up clock that I built from a kit 50 years ago started bonging the 5:00 p.m. hour: "bong . . . bong . . . bong . . . bong . . . bong".
> 
> They all ran into the living room to see what was happening. They thought it was a door bell or something.
> 
> They had never seen a wind-up clock, or a clock with a pendulum, or a clock with Roman numerals.
> 
> One told me, "I can't tell what time it is on a non-digital clock."
> 
> Photo of my clock:
> View attachment 109715
> 
> 
> (And no, they have never bathed in a No. 2 zinc tub, drawn water from a well, used an outdoor toilet, or used a hard-wired phone, and they will never drive a car with a standard transmission.)


can they read or write in cursive?


----------



## Kmac15

I have an adult relation with a college degree that can’t tell time on an analog clock without standing there and counting


----------



## NRA_guy

whiterock said:


> can they read or write in cursive?


Not sure. I will ask them next time I see them.


----------



## whiterock

If they can't, teach them.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## genebo

While I was taking a course in Computer Aided Manufacturing, the instructor kept mentioning "clockwise" while making a "counter-clockwise" movement with his hand. A student interrupted him to point out that he was moving his hand the wrong way. The instructor made both movements in the air, paused as if to think, then blurted out, "Damn digital watches!"


----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


>


----------



## NRA_guy

I would add:

*"Accuse the opposition of the dastardly things that you are doing."*


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## NRA_guy

nehimama said:


> View attachment 109759


Well, tent assembly used to be complicated. I have not done it in decades, but 40 years ago my wife and I would take our 2 young kids tent camping. 

We would arrive in the afternoon, put up the tent, walk around a little, eat a bite, and go to sleep around dark.

The whole campground would be nice and quiet---until a vehicle arrived around 10:00 p.m. at the next tent site. 

Then a man who had just bought a tent (with 25 little aluminum tube pieces and a large piece of canvas) dumped it out of the bag and on to the ground and (with his wife holding a flashlight and his kids crying), tried to read the directions and assemble the tent. After lots of clanging and banging and some profanity they would just sleep in their vehicle.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Digitalis




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## Digitalis




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## NRA_guy

nehimama said:


> View attachment 109831


Don't be too quick to assume what the Supreme Court will do. I remember in 2012 word came out that the court had decided a case on Obamacare in favor of conservatives. Fox News even announced it.

But then it was discovered that John Roberts had torpedoed the decision and the left had won.

The Inside Story on How Roberts Changed His Supreme Court Vote on Obamacare


----------



## Hiro

Digitalis said:


> View attachment 109836


The photo on the left doesn't do it justice without her masked black house slave fixing the train of her dress, imho.


----------



## Digitalis




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## Hiro

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 109840


I hear you. I quit "working" in my early 40's for that very reason. My youngest is 12 now and in 6 years, you may find me at Walmart either as a greeter or the old dude begging for change out front. You won't find me using one of those American flag cards buying frozen chicken nuggets.


----------



## Tom Horn

*A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"*

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a drake, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?"

The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."


----------



## Tom Horn

“Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.”


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


>


If cats weren’t so evil I might get one. They are entertaining sometimes.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## MO_cows

NRA_guy said:


>


Heifers are drama queens.


----------



## Tom Horn

MO_cows said:


> Heifers are drama queens.



Pardon me while I milk that comment for all that it's worth.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Digitalis




----------



## Nimrod

nehimama said:


> View attachment 109759


And then you realize you must be adopted.


----------



## po boy




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## Digitalis




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## Nimrod

Businesses put Xs on the floor and you are supposed to stand on them, supposedly for covid distancing. I've seen far too many roadrunner cartoons to fall for that one.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?


----------



## Tom Horn

Oh yeah, the following is for real.

They have their radar set at two mph above the posted speed limit.

At midnight.

Been there (Ft. Leonard Wood) got the speeding ticket.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

Tom Horn said:


> Oh yeah, the following is for real.
> 
> They have their radar set at two mph above the posted speed limit.
> 
> At midnight.
> 
> Been there (Ft. Leonard Wood) got the speeding ticket.
> 
> View attachment 110016


You don’t speed on-post. You just don’t. It’s not something one does. 

There are post commanders who have their police set their radars at the speed limit, and stop anyone who causes it to beep.

In fact, it makes the most sense at midnight. What other community could you drive through where you’re likely to come across a large group of the residents out for a midnight run wearing black and camouflage?

A good post commander doesn’t risk losing a soldier to something as stupid as a pedestrian accident at home because he allows speeding on his base.


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Hiro




----------



## nchobbyfarm

NORTH CAROLINA CAUTION:

In regards to all the people wanting to move here from New York and California as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit...

Before you come to North Carolina to visit you must be aware of what is happening here. There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...

So if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing at our beaches, hill country, mountains or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers. 

Our lakes are full of gators, fresh water sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos. 

Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes. 

Carolina panthers have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.

The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.

Snakes... don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here, and the Diamond Back Rattler Cobras. 

The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation.

We have had bear sightings at every park and town and they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.

Watch out for the jackalopes, they have been extremely aggressive this season. 

We have the Skunk Ape invading our parks and it’s their mating season. Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment. 

Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.

Murder hornets!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets, and swarms of giant crickets and even some attack grasshoppers. 

Scorpions have now migrated here and have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, automobiles, and tarantulas are now stealing peoples food and biting like crazy.

I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns. 

Head lice now fly and we have vampire bats. 

Oh, and no one is vaccinated.

I hear Idaho and Louisiana are really nice though.” 👍🏼


----------



## Redlands Okie

Wish I could like that NC hobby post more than once.


----------



## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


>


----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 110052


Paid $4.99 a gallon last Friday. I’d hate to what it cost in the city these days. Hmmmm…..wasn’t I paying $1.99 not too long ago?


----------



## Nimrod

nchobbyfarm said:


> NORTH CAROLINA CAUTION:
> 
> In regards to all the people wanting to move here from New York and California as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit...
> 
> Before you come to North Carolina to visit you must be aware of what is happening here. There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...
> 
> So if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing at our beaches, hill country, mountains or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
> 
> Our lakes are full of gators, fresh water sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.
> 
> Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes.
> 
> Carolina panthers have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
> 
> The local bear and coyote population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.
> 
> Snakes... don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here, and the Diamond Back Rattler Cobras.
> 
> The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation.
> 
> We have had bear sightings at every park and town and they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.
> 
> Watch out for the jackalopes, they have been extremely aggressive this season.
> 
> We have the Skunk Ape invading our parks and it’s their mating season. Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.
> 
> Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.
> 
> Murder hornets!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets, and swarms of giant crickets and even some attack grasshoppers.
> 
> Scorpions have now migrated here and have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, automobiles, and tarantulas are now stealing peoples food and biting like crazy.
> 
> I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns.
> 
> Head lice now fly and we have vampire bats.
> 
> Oh, and no one is vaccinated.
> 
> I hear Idaho and Louisiana are really nice though.” 👍🏼


Shame on you for listing all the positive attributes of NC and enticing the people in Cali and NY to move there. I don't think they would be so eager to emigrate to NC if you informed them that all 5 of the nuclear plants have discharged radioactive material. The kids all have 6 digits on their feet and the entire state glows at night.


----------



## Tom Horn

Nimrod said:


> Shame on you for listing all the positive attributes of NC and enticing the people in Cali and NY to move there. I don't think they would be so eager to emigrate to NC if you informed them that all 5 of the nuclear plants have discharged radioactive material. The kids all have 6 digits on their feet and the entire state glows at night.


North Carolina state fish.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


>


That’s a time saver! Why go through the trouble of planting a garden and having the varmints eat it. Just buy the plants prechewed, and throw directly in the garbage.


----------



## NRA_guy

67drake said:


> That’s a time saver! Why go through the trouble of planting a garden and having the varmints eat it. Just buy the plants prechewed, and throw directly in the garbage.


Well, it's a true test to see which varieties rabbits prefer---so you can buy the other varieties.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## nchobbyfarm

Never be afraid to try something new.....remember, amateurs built the Ark; professionals built the Titanic......author unknown


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Digitalis




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## Tom Horn




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## Digitalis




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




----------



## mreynolds

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 110147


I think it would have been less trouble to make that an out swing door.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## nchobbyfarm

All good things....


----------



## NRA_guy

Mable sounds like a fun woman:


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn

@Danaus29
Link To Item 13" X 19" $30.99 Free Shipping


----------



## Danaus29

If I had some crime scene tape to go with it, it would be perfect!


----------



## Tom Horn

Danaus29 said:


> If I had some crime scene tape to go with it, it would be perfect!


3" X 1000" $8.30

Link To Site

Put Crime Scene Tape into the search.


----------



## Danaus29

Yep, that's what I need. The stores will have the crime scene tape with fake blood spatters in October.


----------



## Tom Horn

Danaus29 said:


> Yep, that's what I need. The stores will have the crime scene tape with fake blood spatters in October.


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Digitalis




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy




----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 110379


Funny, but if I said that, I wouldn’t be getting any for awhile.


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> Funny, but if I said that, I wouldn’t be getting any for awhile.


It's been so long for me, that I've forgotten what any, is.


----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn

po boy said:


>


Actually, the one in the lower right foreground is a crash test dummy.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Digitalis




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## Digitalis




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## NRA_guy

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 110433


It actually took a giant step in that direction back in the 1930s when FDR (and his communist wife, Elanor) pushed Federal socialism to "solve" the Great Depression.
------------------
NEW DEAL PROGRAMS
The New Deal was an amalgam of dozens of programs and agencies created by the Roosevelt Administration and the Congress.

Some came into being by law, some by executive order; some are well known, some are not; some changed names or were amended in mid-course; some lasted only a few years, some still exist. It can be confusing, and we hope that this list can help sort things out. The list of programs is as complete as you will find anywhere.

*Economic Stimulus & Stabilization*
Reconstruction Finance Corporation (1932)
Created during the Hoover Administration, expanded by FDR.
Helped finance public works, industry, and national defense activities.

National Industrial Recovery Act (1933)
Created National Recovery Administration (NRA).
Legalized industry collaboration for price controls and collective bargaining for labor.

Agricultural Adjustment Act (1933, Reauthorized 1938)
Created Agricultural Adjustment Administration (AAA).
Introduced measures to reduce crop supply, stabilize prices and support farm incomes.

Electric Home and Farm Authority (1934)
Helped Americans purchase electric appliances; worked in conjunction with the TVA and the Rural Electrification Administration.

Income and Wealth Taxes (1934-1941)
Greater emphasis on progressive taxation and taxation on wealth; consistent revenue increases achieved.

Federal Credit Unions (1934)
Offered Americans cooperative savings and loan opportunities, as well as an alternative to usury.

U.S. Travel Bureau (1937)
Helped increase recreational travel & tourism within the United States.

*Bank Stabilization & Financial Reform*
Emergency Banking Relief Act (1933)
Gave the president emergency powers over the US banking system, under which he called a ‘bank holiday’ to allow evaluation of all banks and closure of insolvent ones.

Glass-Steagall Banking Act (1933)
Created Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation to insure personal bank accounts
Separated commercial from investment banking – The ‘Firewall.’

Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) (1933)
Insured bank deposits against bank failure, up to a certain level.

Federal Credit Unions (1934)
Offered Americans cooperative savings and loan opportunities, as well as an alternative to usury.

Securities Act (1933) & Securities Exchange Act (1934)
Created Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC).
Allowed federal regulation of stock trading in public corporations.

Gold Reserve Act (1934)
Called in all private gold and created a government hoard (Fort Knox).

Bankruptcy Reform (1934-1938)
Protected farms from creditor repossession; aided distressed cities and towns; reformed business bankruptcies; created more personal bankruptcy options.

Banking Act (1935)
Restructured and centralized the Federal Reserve Bank.

Public Utility Holding Company Act (1935)
Protected consumers from certain rate increases, and also from high-risk speculation activities.

*Relief & Welfare*
Federal Emergency Relief Act (1933)
Created the Federal Emergency Relief Administration (FERA).
Gave financial aid to states to support local relief programs for the destitute.

Federal Surplus Commodities Corporation (FSCC) (1933) – named Federal Surplus Relief Corporation (1933-1935), then Federal Surplus Commodities Corporation (1935-1940)
Distributed surplus food and commodities to those in need.

Railroad Retirement Board (1934)
Administers the Railroad Retirement Program, as well as many other benefit programs for rail industry workers.

Emergency Relief Appropriation Acts (1935-1943)
Provided funding for New Deal work agencies, especially the Works Progress Administration (WPA).

Social Security Act (1935)
Created a national system of pensions, unemployment insurance and aid to mothers with children, and created Social Security Administration (SSA) to administer it.

*Public Works – New Programs*
Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) (1933)
Created under Emergency Conservation Act.
Put unemployed, unskilled young men to work on rural and park improvements.

Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA) (1933)
Created under the Tennessee Valley Authority Act.
Planned river basin development based on dams and hydroelectricity.

Public Works Administration (PWA) (1933)
Created under the National Industrial Recovery Act.
Paid private contractors to build large-scale projects proposed by states.

Civil Works Administration (CWA) (1933)
Created by Executive Order as temporary work relief under FERA.
Hired unemployed directly to work on local projects; became model for WPA.

Federal Emergency Relief Administration (FERA) (1933)
Created under the Federal Emergency Relief Act to award grants to states for works programs to hire the unemployed and provide direct relief payments to the indigent.

Works Progress Administration (WPA) (1935) – renamed Work Projects Administration (1939)
Created by Executive Order to fund state and local public works projects.
Hired the unemployed directly and became the largest of all public works programs.

National Youth Administration (NYA) (1935)
Created by Executive Order as a subdivision of the WPA.
Hired young men and women, both in and out of school, for works programs.

Rural Electrification Administration (REA) (1935)
Created by Executive Order to bring electricity to isolated rural areas.
Made permanent by Rural Electrification Act (1936).

Soil Conservation Service (SCS) (1935)
Created by Soil Conservation Act (1935) to continue work of Soil Erosion Service (SES) created under Emergency Conservation Act (1933).

*Public Works – Expansion of Existing Programs*
Bureau of Public Roads (BPR) (1918) – renamed Public Roads Administration (1939)
Built roads in national parks & forests, assisted states with road construction, helped beautify highways, and conducted various transportation studies.

U.S. Post Office Department (1792)
Worked with the U.S. Treasury, and later the Public Buildings Administration (PBA), to create new post office buildings and artworks in post offices.

Bureau of Reclamation (1902)
Built dams and irrigation projects in the western states and major river basin projects on the Columbia, Colorado & Sacramento River systems.

Army Corps of Engineers (1802)
Built levees, dams and canals across the country, built the Missouri river basin project and made levee improvements along the Mississippi, Ohio and Sacramento Rivers.

Quartermaster Corps (1775)
Responsible for the movement of supplies, food, and services to support American troops. During the New Deal, the Quartermaster Corps received substantial funding from both the Public Works Administration (PWA) and emergency relief appropriation acts. 

U.S. Armed Forces and National Defense Industries
Improvements to military bases, funding for Naval & Coast Guard vessels, jobs for defense industry workers & tradesmen, energy for airplane production, job training for young unemployed men & women, discipline & leadership skills in the CCC.

*Arts & Culture Programs*
Public Works of Art Project (PWAP) (1933)
Paid for by the CWA and operated by the U.S. Treasury.

Art & Culture Projects of the Federal Emergency Relief Administration (FERA) (1934)
Plays, concerts, and artwork.

Treasury Section of Fine Arts (TSFA) (1934)– originally called Treasury Section of Painting and Sculpture (TSPS) from 1934 to 1938, then Treasury Section of Fine Arts (TSFA) from 1938 to 1939, and then finally just Section of Fine Arts (SFA, located in the newly-created Public Buildings Administration, from 1939 to 1943 . 
Oversaw artworks created to enhance public buildings, notably post offices.

Treasury Relief Art Project (TRAP) (1935)
The smallest of the programs to hire unemployed artists to create public artworks.

Indian Arts and Crafts Board (1935)
Created to promote and protect Indian arts and crafts.

Federal Project Number One (Federal One) (1935)
Created by the WPA to employ artists, writers, historians and other professionals
The largest of the arts programs, with five divisions:
—Federal Art Project (FAP) (1935)
—Federal Music Project (FMP) (1935)
—Federal Writers’ Project (FWP) (1935)
—Federal Theatre Project (FTP) (1935)
—Historical Records Survey (HRS) (1935)

A reorganization in 1939 changed the names of the first three to WPA Arts Program, WPA Music Program and WPA Writers’ Program, eliminated the Theater project, and made the HRS part of the WPA’s Research and Records Program.

Federal Dance Project (1936)
An offshoot of the Federal Theatre Project, created to provide special opportunities for unemployed dancers.

National Youth Administration Dance Group (1936)
A small performing arts division within the NYA.

*Historic Preservation*
National Archives and Records Administration (1934)
America’s national repository for historic documents, photographs, and other records.

Historic Sites Act (1935)
Made the conservation of historic sites a responsibility of the National Park Service and gave it power to survey, select and preserve buildings and sites of national significance.

Historical Records Survey (HRS) (1935)
Inventoried federal, state, and local records; work product is used today by historians, researchers, and genealogists.

*Public Works Programs Reorganization*
U.S. Treasury, Public Buildings Branch (PBB) (1933) – called Public Works Branch from 1933-1935, then Public Buildings Branch from 1935-1939
Part of new Procurement Division created to consolidate federal building activities.
Managed the construction and repair of most federal buildings.
Managed Treasury Section of Painting & Sculpture and Treasury Relief Art Project.

Bonneville Power Administration (BPA) (1937)
Created by Bonneville Power Act.
Managed electric power grid and sales from the Columbia River project.

Public Buildings Administration (PBA) (1939)
Created under the Reorganization Act of 1939 to manage all federal (non-military) buildings, taking over the work of the U.S. Treasury Procurement Division.

Federal Works Agency (FWA) (1939)
Created under the Reorganization Act of 1939 as an umbrella agency to
administer existing public works programs, including the PWA, WPA, USHA, PRA (BPR), and PBA.

Federal Security Agency (FSA) (1939)
Created under the Reorganization Act of 1939 to manage a number of federal agencies & offices, including the the CCC, the NYA, and the Social Security Board.

*Rural & Farm Assistance*
Agricultural Adjustment Act (1933, Reauthorized 1938)
Created Agricultural Adjustment Administration (AAA) for price stabilization and income support through government purchases, marketing boards, and land retirement.

Farm Credit Act (1933)
Created Farm Credit Administration (FCA).
Oversight of all farm credit programs & refinancing of farm mortgages.

Electric Home and Farm Authority (1934)
Helped Americans purchase electric appliances; worked in conjunction with the TVA and the Rural Electrification Administration.

Bankruptcy Reform (1934-1938)
Protected farms from creditor repossession; aided distressed cities and towns; reformed business bankruptcies; created more personal bankruptcy options.

Virgin Islands Company (1934)
Rehabilitated the sugar and rum industries of the Virgin Islands; reduced unemployment; provided various farm services and loan programs; coordinated with a homesteading program.

Shelterbelt Project (1934)
A large tree-planting project in the Great Plains, to protect against wind erosion and to provide work for the unemployed.

Resettlement Administration (RA) (1935)
Evolved from earlier emergency relief legislation.
Created planned communities for Americans whose livelihoods had been upturned by the Depression; rehabilitated overused land; made loans to farmers.

Soil Conservation Act (1935)
Created Social Conservation Service (SCS) to help build soil protection and water conservation works, following on success of emergency Soil Erosion Service (SES).

Rural Electrification Act (1936)
Preceded by Executive Order creating Rural Electrification Administration (REA) (1935); brought electric grid to distant rural areas.

Bankhead-Jones Farm Tenant Act (1937)
Provided aid to tenant farmers and sharecroppers.

*Housing Aid & Mortgage Reform*
Home Owners’ Loan Act (1933)
Created Home Owners’ Loan Corporation (HOLC).
Provided financial assistance to home owners and the mortgage industry.

Alley Dwelling Authority (1934)
Improved housing for low-income residents of Washington, DC.

National Housing Act (1934)
Created the Federal Housing Administration (FHA) to guarantee mortgages with banks
Created the Federal Savings & Loan Insurance Corporation to act like Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (see above) for Savings and Loan institutions.

United States Housing Act (1937)
Created U.S. Housing Authority (USHA) to build public housing.

*Labor Law*
National Industrial Recovery Act (1933)
Insured the right of workers to organize, provides for a national minimum wage and outlaws child labor.

Wagner-Peyser Act / U.S. Employment Service (1933)
Abolished and then re-formed the U.S. Employment Service (USES) into a more efficient agency; The USES helped reconnect jobless workers to the labor market.

Railroad Retirement Board (1934)
Administers the Railroad Retirement Program, as well as many other benefit programs for rail industry workers.

National Labor Relations Act (Wagner Act) (1935)
Reaffirmed the right of collective bargaining, with rules and enforcement by a National Labor Relations Board (NLRB).

Social Security Act (1935)
Provided unemployment insurance and social security taxes on payrolls and paychecks.

Fair Labor Standards Act (1938)
Restored rights lost when the National Industrial Recovery Act was overturned by the Supreme Court: minimum wage and no child labor.

*Health & Public Safety*
National Cancer Institute Act (1937)
Created the National Cancer Institute within the National Institute of Health.

Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act (1938)
Improved public safety for consumers.

*Land & Wildlife Conservation*
Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) (1933)
Created under Emergency Conservation Act.
Put unemployed, unskilled young men to work on rural and park improvements.

Federal Parks Reorganization (1933)
Transferred all national monuments and battlefields under the National Park Service by Executive Order, as well as federal buildings in Washington D.C.

Shelterbelt Project (1934)
A large tree-planting project in the Great Plains, to protect against wind erosion and to provide work for the unemployed.

Fish & Wildlife Conservation Acts (1934)
Created bird and wildlife refuges on federal land and created a sound funding system for purchasing marginal farmlands for new refuges.

Soil Conservation Act (1935)
Created Social Conservation Service (SCS) to help stop soil erosion and water loss on degraded farmlands, continuing the work of the emergency Soil Erosion Service (SES).

Taylor Grazing Act (1935)
Ended free grazing on federal lands and created regulated grazing districts across the country, administered by a new Grazing Service in the Department of the Interior.

*Regulation of Trade, Transport, & Communications*
Repeal of Prohibition (1933)
21st amendment to the Constitution approved by Congress, followed by states.

Export-Import Bank (1934)
Created to help facilitate trade with other nations; Began as two banks, consolidated into one in 1936.

Reciprocal Trade Agreement Act (1934)
Led to trade agreements with 19 countries between 1934 and 1939.

Communications Act (1934)
Established Federal Communications Commission (FCC) to regulate radio spectrum.

Robinson-Patman Act (1936)
Also called the “Anti-Price Discrimination Act”; strengthened rules against monopolistic control and pricing (chiefly aimed at chain stores); complemented by Wheeler-Lea Act (1938).

Civil Aeronautics Act (1938)
Established the Civil Aeronautics Authority (CAA); later split into the Civil Aeronautics Board (CAB) to regulate carriers and the Civil Aeronautics Administration (later, the Federal Aviation Administration) to control air traffic.

*Indian Lands & US Territories*
Indian Reorganization Act (1934)
Land returned or added to tribal holdings, development of tribal businesses promoted, a system of credit established, a return to self-governance.

Virgin Islands Company (1934)
Rehabilitated the sugar and rum industries of the Virgin Islands; reduced unemployment; provided various farm services and loan programs; coordinated with a homesteading program.

Puerto Rico Reconstruction Administration (PRRA) (1935)
Large-scale public works program, hired thousands of unemployed men & women, long-lasting improvements to infrastructure, education, health, agricultural land, etc.

Indians in Oklahoma and Native Alaskans (1936)
Extended provisions of the Indian Reorganization Act to these areas.

*Civil & Criminal Justice*
Civil Rights Section, Department of Justice (1939)
Investigated civil rights and civil liberties violations. Forerunner to today’s Civil Rights Division.

*Education & Civic Engagement*
Federal Forum Project (1936)
Brought Americans together to discuss current events and problems.

United States Film Service (1938)
Produced educational and dramatic films about environmental and socio-economic problems. For more information, see our biography of Pare Lorentz.
------------------
Source.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Digitalis

NRA_guy said:


> It actually took a giant step in that direction back in the 1930s when FDR (and his communist wife, Elanor) pushed Federal socialism to "solve" the Great Depression.
> ------------------
> NEW DEAL PROGRAMS
> The New Deal was an amalgam of dozens of programs and agencies created by the Roosevelt Administration and the Congress.
> 
> Some came into being by law, some by executive order; some are well known, some are not; some changed names or were amended in mid-course; some lasted only a few years, some still exist. It can be confusing, and we hope that this list can help sort things out. The list of programs is as complete as you will find anywhere.
> 
> *Economic Stimulus & Stabilization*
> Reconstruction Finance Corporation (1932)
> Created during the Hoover Administration, expanded by FDR.
> Helped finance public works, industry, and national defense activities.
> 
> National Industrial Recovery Act (1933)
> Created National Recovery Administration (NRA).
> Legalized industry collaboration for price controls and collective bargaining for labor.
> 
> Agricultural Adjustment Act (1933, Reauthorized 1938)
> Created Agricultural Adjustment Administration (AAA).
> Introduced measures to reduce crop supply, stabilize prices and support farm incomes.
> 
> Electric Home and Farm Authority (1934)
> Helped Americans purchase electric appliances; worked in conjunction with the TVA and the Rural Electrification Administration.
> 
> Income and Wealth Taxes (1934-1941)
> Greater emphasis on progressive taxation and taxation on wealth; consistent revenue increases achieved.
> 
> Federal Credit Unions (1934)
> Offered Americans cooperative savings and loan opportunities, as well as an alternative to usury.
> 
> U.S. Travel Bureau (1937)
> Helped increase recreational travel & tourism within the United States.
> 
> *Bank Stabilization & Financial Reform*
> Emergency Banking Relief Act (1933)
> Gave the president emergency powers over the US banking system, under which he called a ‘bank holiday’ to allow evaluation of all banks and closure of insolvent ones.
> 
> Glass-Steagall Banking Act (1933)
> Created Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation to insure personal bank accounts
> Separated commercial from investment banking – The ‘Firewall.’
> 
> Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) (1933)
> Insured bank deposits against bank failure, up to a certain level.
> 
> Federal Credit Unions (1934)
> Offered Americans cooperative savings and loan opportunities, as well as an alternative to usury.
> 
> Securities Act (1933) & Securities Exchange Act (1934)
> Created Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC).
> Allowed federal regulation of stock trading in public corporations.
> 
> Gold Reserve Act (1934)
> Called in all private gold and created a government hoard (Fort Knox).
> 
> Bankruptcy Reform (1934-1938)
> Protected farms from creditor repossession; aided distressed cities and towns; reformed business bankruptcies; created more personal bankruptcy options.
> 
> Banking Act (1935)
> Restructured and centralized the Federal Reserve Bank.
> 
> Public Utility Holding Company Act (1935)
> Protected consumers from certain rate increases, and also from high-risk speculation activities.
> 
> *Relief & Welfare*
> Federal Emergency Relief Act (1933)
> Created the Federal Emergency Relief Administration (FERA).
> Gave financial aid to states to support local relief programs for the destitute.
> 
> Federal Surplus Commodities Corporation (FSCC) (1933) – named Federal Surplus Relief Corporation (1933-1935), then Federal Surplus Commodities Corporation (1935-1940)
> Distributed surplus food and commodities to those in need.
> 
> Railroad Retirement Board (1934)
> Administers the Railroad Retirement Program, as well as many other benefit programs for rail industry workers.
> 
> Emergency Relief Appropriation Acts (1935-1943)
> Provided funding for New Deal work agencies, especially the Works Progress Administration (WPA).
> 
> Social Security Act (1935)
> Created a national system of pensions, unemployment insurance and aid to mothers with children, and created Social Security Administration (SSA) to administer it.
> 
> *Public Works – New Programs*
> Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) (1933)
> Created under Emergency Conservation Act.
> Put unemployed, unskilled young men to work on rural and park improvements.
> 
> Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA) (1933)
> Created under the Tennessee Valley Authority Act.
> Planned river basin development based on dams and hydroelectricity.
> 
> Public Works Administration (PWA) (1933)
> Created under the National Industrial Recovery Act.
> Paid private contractors to build large-scale projects proposed by states.
> 
> Civil Works Administration (CWA) (1933)
> Created by Executive Order as temporary work relief under FERA.
> Hired unemployed directly to work on local projects; became model for WPA.
> 
> Federal Emergency Relief Administration (FERA) (1933)
> Created under the Federal Emergency Relief Act to award grants to states for works programs to hire the unemployed and provide direct relief payments to the indigent.
> 
> Works Progress Administration (WPA) (1935) – renamed Work Projects Administration (1939)
> Created by Executive Order to fund state and local public works projects.
> Hired the unemployed directly and became the largest of all public works programs.
> 
> National Youth Administration (NYA) (1935)
> Created by Executive Order as a subdivision of the WPA.
> Hired young men and women, both in and out of school, for works programs.
> 
> Rural Electrification Administration (REA) (1935)
> Created by Executive Order to bring electricity to isolated rural areas.
> Made permanent by Rural Electrification Act (1936).
> 
> Soil Conservation Service (SCS) (1935)
> Created by Soil Conservation Act (1935) to continue work of Soil Erosion Service (SES) created under Emergency Conservation Act (1933).
> 
> *Public Works – Expansion of Existing Programs*
> Bureau of Public Roads (BPR) (1918) – renamed Public Roads Administration (1939)
> Built roads in national parks & forests, assisted states with road construction, helped beautify highways, and conducted various transportation studies.
> 
> U.S. Post Office Department (1792)
> Worked with the U.S. Treasury, and later the Public Buildings Administration (PBA), to create new post office buildings and artworks in post offices.
> 
> Bureau of Reclamation (1902)
> Built dams and irrigation projects in the western states and major river basin projects on the Columbia, Colorado & Sacramento River systems.
> 
> Army Corps of Engineers (1802)
> Built levees, dams and canals across the country, built the Missouri river basin project and made levee improvements along the Mississippi, Ohio and Sacramento Rivers.
> 
> Quartermaster Corps (1775)
> Responsible for the movement of supplies, food, and services to support American troops. During the New Deal, the Quartermaster Corps received substantial funding from both the Public Works Administration (PWA) and emergency relief appropriation acts.
> 
> U.S. Armed Forces and National Defense Industries
> Improvements to military bases, funding for Naval & Coast Guard vessels, jobs for defense industry workers & tradesmen, energy for airplane production, job training for young unemployed men & women, discipline & leadership skills in the CCC.
> 
> *Arts & Culture Programs*
> Public Works of Art Project (PWAP) (1933)
> Paid for by the CWA and operated by the U.S. Treasury.
> 
> Art & Culture Projects of the Federal Emergency Relief Administration (FERA) (1934)
> Plays, concerts, and artwork.
> 
> Treasury Section of Fine Arts (TSFA) (1934)– originally called Treasury Section of Painting and Sculpture (TSPS) from 1934 to 1938, then Treasury Section of Fine Arts (TSFA) from 1938 to 1939, and then finally just Section of Fine Arts (SFA, located in the newly-created Public Buildings Administration, from 1939 to 1943 .
> Oversaw artworks created to enhance public buildings, notably post offices.
> 
> Treasury Relief Art Project (TRAP) (1935)
> The smallest of the programs to hire unemployed artists to create public artworks.
> 
> Indian Arts and Crafts Board (1935)
> Created to promote and protect Indian arts and crafts.
> 
> Federal Project Number One (Federal One) (1935)
> Created by the WPA to employ artists, writers, historians and other professionals
> The largest of the arts programs, with five divisions:
> —Federal Art Project (FAP) (1935)
> —Federal Music Project (FMP) (1935)
> —Federal Writers’ Project (FWP) (1935)
> —Federal Theatre Project (FTP) (1935)
> —Historical Records Survey (HRS) (1935)
> 
> A reorganization in 1939 changed the names of the first three to WPA Arts Program, WPA Music Program and WPA Writers’ Program, eliminated the Theater project, and made the HRS part of the WPA’s Research and Records Program.
> 
> Federal Dance Project (1936)
> An offshoot of the Federal Theatre Project, created to provide special opportunities for unemployed dancers.
> 
> National Youth Administration Dance Group (1936)
> A small performing arts division within the NYA.
> 
> *Historic Preservation*
> National Archives and Records Administration (1934)
> America’s national repository for historic documents, photographs, and other records.
> 
> Historic Sites Act (1935)
> Made the conservation of historic sites a responsibility of the National Park Service and gave it power to survey, select and preserve buildings and sites of national significance.
> 
> Historical Records Survey (HRS) (1935)
> Inventoried federal, state, and local records; work product is used today by historians, researchers, and genealogists.
> 
> *Public Works Programs Reorganization*
> U.S. Treasury, Public Buildings Branch (PBB) (1933) – called Public Works Branch from 1933-1935, then Public Buildings Branch from 1935-1939
> Part of new Procurement Division created to consolidate federal building activities.
> Managed the construction and repair of most federal buildings.
> Managed Treasury Section of Painting & Sculpture and Treasury Relief Art Project.
> 
> Bonneville Power Administration (BPA) (1937)
> Created by Bonneville Power Act.
> Managed electric power grid and sales from the Columbia River project.
> 
> Public Buildings Administration (PBA) (1939)
> Created under the Reorganization Act of 1939 to manage all federal (non-military) buildings, taking over the work of the U.S. Treasury Procurement Division.
> 
> Federal Works Agency (FWA) (1939)
> Created under the Reorganization Act of 1939 as an umbrella agency to
> administer existing public works programs, including the PWA, WPA, USHA, PRA (BPR), and PBA.
> 
> Federal Security Agency (FSA) (1939)
> Created under the Reorganization Act of 1939 to manage a number of federal agencies & offices, including the the CCC, the NYA, and the Social Security Board.
> 
> *Rural & Farm Assistance*
> Agricultural Adjustment Act (1933, Reauthorized 1938)
> Created Agricultural Adjustment Administration (AAA) for price stabilization and income support through government purchases, marketing boards, and land retirement.
> 
> Farm Credit Act (1933)
> Created Farm Credit Administration (FCA).
> Oversight of all farm credit programs & refinancing of farm mortgages.
> 
> Electric Home and Farm Authority (1934)
> Helped Americans purchase electric appliances; worked in conjunction with the TVA and the Rural Electrification Administration.
> 
> Bankruptcy Reform (1934-1938)
> Protected farms from creditor repossession; aided distressed cities and towns; reformed business bankruptcies; created more personal bankruptcy options.
> 
> Virgin Islands Company (1934)
> Rehabilitated the sugar and rum industries of the Virgin Islands; reduced unemployment; provided various farm services and loan programs; coordinated with a homesteading program.
> 
> Shelterbelt Project (1934)
> A large tree-planting project in the Great Plains, to protect against wind erosion and to provide work for the unemployed.
> 
> Resettlement Administration (RA) (1935)
> Evolved from earlier emergency relief legislation.
> Created planned communities for Americans whose livelihoods had been upturned by the Depression; rehabilitated overused land; made loans to farmers.
> 
> Soil Conservation Act (1935)
> Created Social Conservation Service (SCS) to help build soil protection and water conservation works, following on success of emergency Soil Erosion Service (SES).
> 
> Rural Electrification Act (1936)
> Preceded by Executive Order creating Rural Electrification Administration (REA) (1935); brought electric grid to distant rural areas.
> 
> Bankhead-Jones Farm Tenant Act (1937)
> Provided aid to tenant farmers and sharecroppers.
> 
> *Housing Aid & Mortgage Reform*
> Home Owners’ Loan Act (1933)
> Created Home Owners’ Loan Corporation (HOLC).
> Provided financial assistance to home owners and the mortgage industry.
> 
> Alley Dwelling Authority (1934)
> Improved housing for low-income residents of Washington, DC.
> 
> National Housing Act (1934)
> Created the Federal Housing Administration (FHA) to guarantee mortgages with banks
> Created the Federal Savings & Loan Insurance Corporation to act like Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (see above) for Savings and Loan institutions.
> 
> United States Housing Act (1937)
> Created U.S. Housing Authority (USHA) to build public housing.
> 
> *Labor Law*
> National Industrial Recovery Act (1933)
> Insured the right of workers to organize, provides for a national minimum wage and outlaws child labor.
> 
> Wagner-Peyser Act / U.S. Employment Service (1933)
> Abolished and then re-formed the U.S. Employment Service (USES) into a more efficient agency; The USES helped reconnect jobless workers to the labor market.
> 
> Railroad Retirement Board (1934)
> Administers the Railroad Retirement Program, as well as many other benefit programs for rail industry workers.
> 
> National Labor Relations Act (Wagner Act) (1935)
> Reaffirmed the right of collective bargaining, with rules and enforcement by a National Labor Relations Board (NLRB).
> 
> Social Security Act (1935)
> Provided unemployment insurance and social security taxes on payrolls and paychecks.
> 
> Fair Labor Standards Act (1938)
> Restored rights lost when the National Industrial Recovery Act was overturned by the Supreme Court: minimum wage and no child labor.
> 
> *Health & Public Safety*
> National Cancer Institute Act (1937)
> Created the National Cancer Institute within the National Institute of Health.
> 
> Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act (1938)
> Improved public safety for consumers.
> 
> *Land & Wildlife Conservation*
> Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) (1933)
> Created under Emergency Conservation Act.
> Put unemployed, unskilled young men to work on rural and park improvements.
> 
> Federal Parks Reorganization (1933)
> Transferred all national monuments and battlefields under the National Park Service by Executive Order, as well as federal buildings in Washington D.C.
> 
> Shelterbelt Project (1934)
> A large tree-planting project in the Great Plains, to protect against wind erosion and to provide work for the unemployed.
> 
> Fish & Wildlife Conservation Acts (1934)
> Created bird and wildlife refuges on federal land and created a sound funding system for purchasing marginal farmlands for new refuges.
> 
> Soil Conservation Act (1935)
> Created Social Conservation Service (SCS) to help stop soil erosion and water loss on degraded farmlands, continuing the work of the emergency Soil Erosion Service (SES).
> 
> Taylor Grazing Act (1935)
> Ended free grazing on federal lands and created regulated grazing districts across the country, administered by a new Grazing Service in the Department of the Interior.
> 
> *Regulation of Trade, Transport, & Communications*
> Repeal of Prohibition (1933)
> 21st amendment to the Constitution approved by Congress, followed by states.
> 
> Export-Import Bank (1934)
> Created to help facilitate trade with other nations; Began as two banks, consolidated into one in 1936.
> 
> Reciprocal Trade Agreement Act (1934)
> Led to trade agreements with 19 countries between 1934 and 1939.
> 
> Communications Act (1934)
> Established Federal Communications Commission (FCC) to regulate radio spectrum.
> 
> Robinson-Patman Act (1936)
> Also called the “Anti-Price Discrimination Act”; strengthened rules against monopolistic control and pricing (chiefly aimed at chain stores); complemented by Wheeler-Lea Act (1938).
> 
> Civil Aeronautics Act (1938)
> Established the Civil Aeronautics Authority (CAA); later split into the Civil Aeronautics Board (CAB) to regulate carriers and the Civil Aeronautics Administration (later, the Federal Aviation Administration) to control air traffic.
> 
> *Indian Lands & US Territories*
> Indian Reorganization Act (1934)
> Land returned or added to tribal holdings, development of tribal businesses promoted, a system of credit established, a return to self-governance.
> 
> Virgin Islands Company (1934)
> Rehabilitated the sugar and rum industries of the Virgin Islands; reduced unemployment; provided various farm services and loan programs; coordinated with a homesteading program.
> 
> Puerto Rico Reconstruction Administration (PRRA) (1935)
> Large-scale public works program, hired thousands of unemployed men & women, long-lasting improvements to infrastructure, education, health, agricultural land, etc.
> 
> Indians in Oklahoma and Native Alaskans (1936)
> Extended provisions of the Indian Reorganization Act to these areas.
> 
> *Civil & Criminal Justice*
> Civil Rights Section, Department of Justice (1939)
> Investigated civil rights and civil liberties violations. Forerunner to today’s Civil Rights Division.
> 
> *Education & Civic Engagement*
> Federal Forum Project (1936)
> Brought Americans together to discuss current events and problems.
> 
> United States Film Service (1938)
> Produced educational and dramatic films about environmental and socio-economic problems. For more information, see our biography of Pare Lorentz.
> ------------------
> Source.


this is a terrible meme


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## 67drake

Digitalis said:


> View attachment 110438


That’s quite a big “turkey leg”. 
My lab won’t touch cow leg bones. I always got them smoked from the butcher. My current black lab, who acts more like a cat, just stares at the one I got him. He won’t TOUCH it?!


----------



## RJ2019

67drake said:


> That’s quite a big “turkey leg”.
> My lab won’t touch cow leg bones. I always got them smoked from the butcher. My current black lab, who acts more like a cat, just stares at the one I got him. He won’t TOUCH it?!


It always amuses me to toss my dog goat legs and watch him carry it around in his mouth, hoof and all.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn

NRA_guy said:


> It actually took a giant step in that direction back in the 1930s when FDR (and his communist wife, Elanor) pushed Federal socialism to "solve" the Great Depression.
> ------------------
> NEW DEAL PROGRAMS
> The New Deal was an amalgam of dozens of programs and agencies created by the Roosevelt Administration and the Congress.
> 
> Some came into being by law, some by executive order; some are well known, some are not; some changed names or were amended in mid-course; some lasted only a few years, some still exist. It can be confusing, and we hope that this list can help sort things out. The list of programs is as complete as you will find anywhere.
> 
> *Economic Stimulus & Stabilization*
> Reconstruction Finance Corporation (1932)
> Created during the Hoover Administration, expanded by FDR.
> Helped finance public works, industry, and national defense activities.
> 
> National Industrial Recovery Act (1933)
> Created National Recovery Administration (NRA).
> Legalized industry collaboration for price controls and collective bargaining for labor.
> 
> Agricultural Adjustment Act (1933, Reauthorized 1938)
> Created Agricultural Adjustment Administration (AAA).
> Introduced measures to reduce crop supply, stabilize prices and support farm incomes.
> 
> Electric Home and Farm Authority (1934)
> Helped Americans purchase electric appliances; worked in conjunction with the TVA and the Rural Electrification Administration.
> 
> Income and Wealth Taxes (1934-1941)
> Greater emphasis on progressive taxation and taxation on wealth; consistent revenue increases achieved.
> 
> Federal Credit Unions (1934)
> Offered Americans cooperative savings and loan opportunities, as well as an alternative to usury.
> 
> U.S. Travel Bureau (1937)
> Helped increase recreational travel & tourism within the United States.
> 
> *Bank Stabilization & Financial Reform*
> Emergency Banking Relief Act (1933)
> Gave the president emergency powers over the US banking system, under which he called a ‘bank holiday’ to allow evaluation of all banks and closure of insolvent ones.
> 
> Glass-Steagall Banking Act (1933)
> Created Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation to insure personal bank accounts
> Separated commercial from investment banking – The ‘Firewall.’
> 
> Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) (1933)
> Insured bank deposits against bank failure, up to a certain level.
> 
> Federal Credit Unions (1934)
> Offered Americans cooperative savings and loan opportunities, as well as an alternative to usury.
> 
> Securities Act (1933) & Securities Exchange Act (1934)
> Created Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC).
> Allowed federal regulation of stock trading in public corporations.
> 
> Gold Reserve Act (1934)
> Called in all private gold and created a government hoard (Fort Knox).
> 
> Bankruptcy Reform (1934-1938)
> Protected farms from creditor repossession; aided distressed cities and towns; reformed business bankruptcies; created more personal bankruptcy options.
> 
> Banking Act (1935)
> Restructured and centralized the Federal Reserve Bank.
> 
> Public Utility Holding Company Act (1935)
> Protected consumers from certain rate increases, and also from high-risk speculation activities.
> 
> *Relief & Welfare*
> Federal Emergency Relief Act (1933)
> Created the Federal Emergency Relief Administration (FERA).
> Gave financial aid to states to support local relief programs for the destitute.
> 
> Federal Surplus Commodities Corporation (FSCC) (1933) – named Federal Surplus Relief Corporation (1933-1935), then Federal Surplus Commodities Corporation (1935-1940)
> Distributed surplus food and commodities to those in need.
> 
> Railroad Retirement Board (1934)
> Administers the Railroad Retirement Program, as well as many other benefit programs for rail industry workers.
> 
> Emergency Relief Appropriation Acts (1935-1943)
> Provided funding for New Deal work agencies, especially the Works Progress Administration (WPA).
> 
> Social Security Act (1935)
> Created a national system of pensions, unemployment insurance and aid to mothers with children, and created Social Security Administration (SSA) to administer it.
> 
> *Public Works – New Programs*
> Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) (1933)
> Created under Emergency Conservation Act.
> Put unemployed, unskilled young men to work on rural and park improvements.
> 
> Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA) (1933)
> Created under the Tennessee Valley Authority Act.
> Planned river basin development based on dams and hydroelectricity.
> 
> Public Works Administration (PWA) (1933)
> Created under the National Industrial Recovery Act.
> Paid private contractors to build large-scale projects proposed by states.
> 
> Civil Works Administration (CWA) (1933)
> Created by Executive Order as temporary work relief under FERA.
> Hired unemployed directly to work on local projects; became model for WPA.
> 
> Federal Emergency Relief Administration (FERA) (1933)
> Created under the Federal Emergency Relief Act to award grants to states for works programs to hire the unemployed and provide direct relief payments to the indigent.
> 
> Works Progress Administration (WPA) (1935) – renamed Work Projects Administration (1939)
> Created by Executive Order to fund state and local public works projects.
> Hired the unemployed directly and became the largest of all public works programs.
> 
> National Youth Administration (NYA) (1935)
> Created by Executive Order as a subdivision of the WPA.
> Hired young men and women, both in and out of school, for works programs.
> 
> Rural Electrification Administration (REA) (1935)
> Created by Executive Order to bring electricity to isolated rural areas.
> Made permanent by Rural Electrification Act (1936).
> 
> Soil Conservation Service (SCS) (1935)
> Created by Soil Conservation Act (1935) to continue work of Soil Erosion Service (SES) created under Emergency Conservation Act (1933).
> 
> *Public Works – Expansion of Existing Programs*
> Bureau of Public Roads (BPR) (1918) – renamed Public Roads Administration (1939)
> Built roads in national parks & forests, assisted states with road construction, helped beautify highways, and conducted various transportation studies.
> 
> U.S. Post Office Department (1792)
> Worked with the U.S. Treasury, and later the Public Buildings Administration (PBA), to create new post office buildings and artworks in post offices.
> 
> Bureau of Reclamation (1902)
> Built dams and irrigation projects in the western states and major river basin projects on the Columbia, Colorado & Sacramento River systems.
> 
> Army Corps of Engineers (1802)
> Built levees, dams and canals across the country, built the Missouri river basin project and made levee improvements along the Mississippi, Ohio and Sacramento Rivers.
> 
> Quartermaster Corps (1775)
> Responsible for the movement of supplies, food, and services to support American troops. During the New Deal, the Quartermaster Corps received substantial funding from both the Public Works Administration (PWA) and emergency relief appropriation acts.
> 
> U.S. Armed Forces and National Defense Industries
> Improvements to military bases, funding for Naval & Coast Guard vessels, jobs for defense industry workers & tradesmen, energy for airplane production, job training for young unemployed men & women, discipline & leadership skills in the CCC.
> 
> *Arts & Culture Programs*
> Public Works of Art Project (PWAP) (1933)
> Paid for by the CWA and operated by the U.S. Treasury.
> 
> Art & Culture Projects of the Federal Emergency Relief Administration (FERA) (1934)
> Plays, concerts, and artwork.
> 
> Treasury Section of Fine Arts (TSFA) (1934)– originally called Treasury Section of Painting and Sculpture (TSPS) from 1934 to 1938, then Treasury Section of Fine Arts (TSFA) from 1938 to 1939, and then finally just Section of Fine Arts (SFA, located in the newly-created Public Buildings Administration, from 1939 to 1943 .
> Oversaw artworks created to enhance public buildings, notably post offices.
> 
> Treasury Relief Art Project (TRAP) (1935)
> The smallest of the programs to hire unemployed artists to create public artworks.
> 
> Indian Arts and Crafts Board (1935)
> Created to promote and protect Indian arts and crafts.
> 
> Federal Project Number One (Federal One) (1935)
> Created by the WPA to employ artists, writers, historians and other professionals
> The largest of the arts programs, with five divisions:
> —Federal Art Project (FAP) (1935)
> —Federal Music Project (FMP) (1935)
> —Federal Writers’ Project (FWP) (1935)
> —Federal Theatre Project (FTP) (1935)
> —Historical Records Survey (HRS) (1935)
> 
> A reorganization in 1939 changed the names of the first three to WPA Arts Program, WPA Music Program and WPA Writers’ Program, eliminated the Theater project, and made the HRS part of the WPA’s Research and Records Program.
> 
> Federal Dance Project (1936)
> An offshoot of the Federal Theatre Project, created to provide special opportunities for unemployed dancers.
> 
> National Youth Administration Dance Group (1936)
> A small performing arts division within the NYA.
> 
> *Historic Preservation*
> National Archives and Records Administration (1934)
> America’s national repository for historic documents, photographs, and other records.
> 
> Historic Sites Act (1935)
> Made the conservation of historic sites a responsibility of the National Park Service and gave it power to survey, select and preserve buildings and sites of national significance.
> 
> Historical Records Survey (HRS) (1935)
> Inventoried federal, state, and local records; work product is used today by historians, researchers, and genealogists.
> 
> *Public Works Programs Reorganization*
> U.S. Treasury, Public Buildings Branch (PBB) (1933) – called Public Works Branch from 1933-1935, then Public Buildings Branch from 1935-1939
> Part of new Procurement Division created to consolidate federal building activities.
> Managed the construction and repair of most federal buildings.
> Managed Treasury Section of Painting & Sculpture and Treasury Relief Art Project.
> 
> Bonneville Power Administration (BPA) (1937)
> Created by Bonneville Power Act.
> Managed electric power grid and sales from the Columbia River project.
> 
> Public Buildings Administration (PBA) (1939)
> Created under the Reorganization Act of 1939 to manage all federal (non-military) buildings, taking over the work of the U.S. Treasury Procurement Division.
> 
> Federal Works Agency (FWA) (1939)
> Created under the Reorganization Act of 1939 as an umbrella agency to
> administer existing public works programs, including the PWA, WPA, USHA, PRA (BPR), and PBA.
> 
> Federal Security Agency (FSA) (1939)
> Created under the Reorganization Act of 1939 to manage a number of federal agencies & offices, including the the CCC, the NYA, and the Social Security Board.
> 
> *Rural & Farm Assistance*
> Agricultural Adjustment Act (1933, Reauthorized 1938)
> Created Agricultural Adjustment Administration (AAA) for price stabilization and income support through government purchases, marketing boards, and land retirement.
> 
> Farm Credit Act (1933)
> Created Farm Credit Administration (FCA).
> Oversight of all farm credit programs & refinancing of farm mortgages.
> 
> Electric Home and Farm Authority (1934)
> Helped Americans purchase electric appliances; worked in conjunction with the TVA and the Rural Electrification Administration.
> 
> Bankruptcy Reform (1934-1938)
> Protected farms from creditor repossession; aided distressed cities and towns; reformed business bankruptcies; created more personal bankruptcy options.
> 
> Virgin Islands Company (1934)
> Rehabilitated the sugar and rum industries of the Virgin Islands; reduced unemployment; provided various farm services and loan programs; coordinated with a homesteading program.
> 
> Shelterbelt Project (1934)
> A large tree-planting project in the Great Plains, to protect against wind erosion and to provide work for the unemployed.
> 
> Resettlement Administration (RA) (1935)
> Evolved from earlier emergency relief legislation.
> Created planned communities for Americans whose livelihoods had been upturned by the Depression; rehabilitated overused land; made loans to farmers.
> 
> Soil Conservation Act (1935)
> Created Social Conservation Service (SCS) to help build soil protection and water conservation works, following on success of emergency Soil Erosion Service (SES).
> 
> Rural Electrification Act (1936)
> Preceded by Executive Order creating Rural Electrification Administration (REA) (1935); brought electric grid to distant rural areas.
> 
> Bankhead-Jones Farm Tenant Act (1937)
> Provided aid to tenant farmers and sharecroppers.
> 
> *Housing Aid & Mortgage Reform*
> Home Owners’ Loan Act (1933)
> Created Home Owners’ Loan Corporation (HOLC).
> Provided financial assistance to home owners and the mortgage industry.
> 
> Alley Dwelling Authority (1934)
> Improved housing for low-income residents of Washington, DC.
> 
> National Housing Act (1934)
> Created the Federal Housing Administration (FHA) to guarantee mortgages with banks
> Created the Federal Savings & Loan Insurance Corporation to act like Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (see above) for Savings and Loan institutions.
> 
> United States Housing Act (1937)
> Created U.S. Housing Authority (USHA) to build public housing.
> 
> *Labor Law*
> National Industrial Recovery Act (1933)
> Insured the right of workers to organize, provides for a national minimum wage and outlaws child labor.
> 
> Wagner-Peyser Act / U.S. Employment Service (1933)
> Abolished and then re-formed the U.S. Employment Service (USES) into a more efficient agency; The USES helped reconnect jobless workers to the labor market.
> 
> Railroad Retirement Board (1934)
> Administers the Railroad Retirement Program, as well as many other benefit programs for rail industry workers.
> 
> National Labor Relations Act (Wagner Act) (1935)
> Reaffirmed the right of collective bargaining, with rules and enforcement by a National Labor Relations Board (NLRB).
> 
> Social Security Act (1935)
> Provided unemployment insurance and social security taxes on payrolls and paychecks.
> 
> Fair Labor Standards Act (1938)
> Restored rights lost when the National Industrial Recovery Act was overturned by the Supreme Court: minimum wage and no child labor.
> 
> *Health & Public Safety*
> National Cancer Institute Act (1937)
> Created the National Cancer Institute within the National Institute of Health.
> 
> Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act (1938)
> Improved public safety for consumers.
> 
> *Land & Wildlife Conservation*
> Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) (1933)
> Created under Emergency Conservation Act.
> Put unemployed, unskilled young men to work on rural and park improvements.
> 
> Federal Parks Reorganization (1933)
> Transferred all national monuments and battlefields under the National Park Service by Executive Order, as well as federal buildings in Washington D.C.
> 
> Shelterbelt Project (1934)
> A large tree-planting project in the Great Plains, to protect against wind erosion and to provide work for the unemployed.
> 
> Fish & Wildlife Conservation Acts (1934)
> Created bird and wildlife refuges on federal land and created a sound funding system for purchasing marginal farmlands for new refuges.
> 
> Soil Conservation Act (1935)
> Created Social Conservation Service (SCS) to help stop soil erosion and water loss on degraded farmlands, continuing the work of the emergency Soil Erosion Service (SES).
> 
> Taylor Grazing Act (1935)
> Ended free grazing on federal lands and created regulated grazing districts across the country, administered by a new Grazing Service in the Department of the Interior.
> 
> *Regulation of Trade, Transport, & Communications*
> Repeal of Prohibition (1933)
> 21st amendment to the Constitution approved by Congress, followed by states.
> 
> Export-Import Bank (1934)
> Created to help facilitate trade with other nations; Began as two banks, consolidated into one in 1936.
> 
> Reciprocal Trade Agreement Act (1934)
> Led to trade agreements with 19 countries between 1934 and 1939.
> 
> Communications Act (1934)
> Established Federal Communications Commission (FCC) to regulate radio spectrum.
> 
> Robinson-Patman Act (1936)
> Also called the “Anti-Price Discrimination Act”; strengthened rules against monopolistic control and pricing (chiefly aimed at chain stores); complemented by Wheeler-Lea Act (1938).
> 
> Civil Aeronautics Act (1938)
> Established the Civil Aeronautics Authority (CAA); later split into the Civil Aeronautics Board (CAB) to regulate carriers and the Civil Aeronautics Administration (later, the Federal Aviation Administration) to control air traffic.
> 
> *Indian Lands & US Territories*
> Indian Reorganization Act (1934)
> Land returned or added to tribal holdings, development of tribal businesses promoted, a system of credit established, a return to self-governance.
> 
> Virgin Islands Company (1934)
> Rehabilitated the sugar and rum industries of the Virgin Islands; reduced unemployment; provided various farm services and loan programs; coordinated with a homesteading program.
> 
> Puerto Rico Reconstruction Administration (PRRA) (1935)
> Large-scale public works program, hired thousands of unemployed men & women, long-lasting improvements to infrastructure, education, health, agricultural land, etc.
> 
> Indians in Oklahoma and Native Alaskans (1936)
> Extended provisions of the Indian Reorganization Act to these areas.
> 
> *Civil & Criminal Justice*
> Civil Rights Section, Department of Justice (1939)
> Investigated civil rights and civil liberties violations. Forerunner to today’s Civil Rights Division.
> 
> *Education & Civic Engagement*
> Federal Forum Project (1936)
> Brought Americans together to discuss current events and problems.
> 
> United States Film Service (1938)
> Produced educational and dramatic films about environmental and socio-economic problems. For more information, see our biography of Pare Lorentz.
> ------------------
> Source.


And then he got us into WW2 to end the depression, by purposely ignoring the intel that Japan was going to attack Pearl Harbor.

He then jumped into bed with Stalin who was twice the genocidal maniac that Hitler was, and their love child the cold war has gone on for 77 years and counting.


----------



## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## po boy




----------



## CC Pereira

Q. Why did the chicken go to the seance?
A. To get to the other side.


----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

A local lady says that she called 911 and reported that she had been robbed while she was getting gasoline at a filling station.

The cops arrived and asked her if she could describe the robber.

She said, "Yes. It was pump 3 over there."


----------



## nchobbyfarm

Substitute school for work.

I loved to morning duck hunt before school.

Left the guns, shells and a cooler with the ducks in the parking lot during school. Our assistant principal used to always check how successful we were.


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Digitalis




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn

Rodney and his wife Wilma are awakened at 3 o'clock early one Saturday morning by a loud pounding on the door. Rodney gets up and goes to the door where he sees a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain.

'Give us a push' says the swaying stranger. 'Not a chance', says the husband, 'It is three o'clock in the morning.'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push', he answers.

'Did you help him?' Wilma asks. 'No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring with rain outside.

His wife said, 'Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? 

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Rodney does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello! Are you still there? 'Yes', comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out Rodney. 'Yes, please.' comes the reply from the darkness.

'Where are you?' asks Rodney.

'Over here on the swing', replies the drunk.


----------



## Tom Horn

Red-neck Application:

Last name: ___ First name: (Check appropriate box) __ Billy-Bob __ Billy-Joe __ Billy-Ray __ Billy-Sue __ Billy-Mae __ Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you? __ Booger __ Bubba __ Junior __ Sissy __ Other__________

Age: __ (if unsure, guess) Sex: __ M __ F __ Not sure

Shoe size: __ Left __ Right

Occupation Check appropriate box) __ Farmer __ Mechanic __ Hairdresser __ Unemployed __ Politician __ Preacher

Spouse's Name: __ 2nd Spouse's Name: __ 3rd Spouse's Name: __ Lover's Name: ___

Relationship with spouse Check appropriate box) __ Sister __ Brother __ Aunt __ Uncle __ Cousin __ Mother __ Father __ Son __ Daughter __ Pet

Number of children living in the home: __ Number of the children living in the shed: __ Number that are yours: __

Mother's Name: (If not sure, leave blank) Father's Name: (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

(Check appropriate box) Total number of vehicles you own: __ Number of vehicles that still crank: __ Number of vehicles in front yard: __ Number of vehicles in the back yard: __ Number of vehicles on cinder blocks: __

Firearms you own and where you keep them: __ truck __ bedroom __ bathroom __ kitchen __ shed

Model and year of your pickup:198_Do you have a gun rack? __Yes __ No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to __ The National Enquirer __ People __ Horoscope Guide __ Soap Opera Digest __ Guns & Ammo

Number of times you've seen a UFO: __ Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis: __ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO: __

How often do you bathe? __ Weekly __ Monthly __ Not Applicable

Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair __ Blond __ Black __ Red __ Brown __ White __ Miss Clairol

Color of teeth __ White __ Yellow __ Brownish Yellow __ Brown __ Black __ N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer __ Red-Man __ Beechnut __ Copenhagen __ Skoal __ Grizzly

How far is your home from a paved road? __1 mile __ 2 miles __ just a whoop-and-a-holler __ paved road?


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## NRA_guy




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## Redlands Okie

That concrete might be hard by the time the turtle makes it to the end


----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## po boy

How did we survive before signs?


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## 67drake

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 110666


Always use those chains, they’re there for a reason!


----------



## TxGypsy

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!


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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn

67drake said:


> Always use those chains, they’re there for a reason!


One would think so.


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## Tom Horn

TxMex said:


> A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
> The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
> The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
> The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
> The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
> This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
> rid of the donkey.
> The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
> The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
> The Bishop fainted.
> He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
> The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
> This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
> The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
> The Bishop was buried the next day.
> The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
> So be yourself and enjoy life.
> Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!
> You'll be a lot happier and live longer!


Companion _piece_, (not to be confused with the interpretation of ass that killed the Bishop.)

A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: “You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?” 

So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”

So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”

Well, the Man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours and your hulking son?”

The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.

“That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them: “If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.”


----------



## sniper69

Tom Horn said:


> Companion _piece_, (not to be confused with the interpretation of ass that killed the Bishop.)
> 
> A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: “You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?”
> 
> So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
> 
> So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”
> 
> Well, the Man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours and your hulking son?”
> 
> The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.
> 
> “That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them: “If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.”


This is from Aesop's Fables


----------



## Tom Horn

sniper69 said:


> This is from Aesop's Fables


----------



## sniper69

Tom Horn said:


> View attachment 110677











“The Man, the Boy, and the Donkey” | Aesop's Fables | Aesop | Lit2Go ETC






etc.usf.edu





A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: “You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?”

So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”

So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”

Well, the Man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours and your hulking son?”

The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.

“That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them:

“Please all, and you will please none.”


----------



## Tom Horn

sniper69 said:


> “The Man, the Boy, and the Donkey” | Aesop's Fables | Aesop | Lit2Go ETC
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> etc.usf.edu
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: “You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?”
> 
> So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
> 
> So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”
> 
> Well, the Man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours and your hulking son?”
> 
> The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.
> 
> “That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them:
> 
> “Please all, and you will please none.”


Alrighty then.









I trust that you feel fully vindicated and trust that hopefully you no longer feel the need to keep reposting Aesop.

The story is quite old and has gone through many retellings, all with a similar ending.

*Have you heard the tale of the old man, the boy and donkey?*

_An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked: “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned._

_The moral of the story? *If you try to please everyone, you might as well… Kiss your ass good-bye.*_

Is your desire to compare pee pee's so strong that you must prevail in being a literary purist and pointing out the Aesop origins ad nauseam?

Knock yourself out.

You'd better go after the Philistines who put this up on YouTube.

Boy, do they deviate from the script, and they don't give proper credit to Aesop either.


----------



## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy

Not so funny:


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## devittjl

po boy said:


> View attachment 110695


And you are seeing red!


----------



## NRA_guy

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 110692


Y'all had TV when you were young? We didn't.

It was several years after we got electricity before daddy got a used TV set.

(They never cancelled school in those days where we lived anyway.)


----------



## NRA_guy

Sign in a local department store:


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


----------



## po boy




----------



## haypoint

Tom Horn said:


> Companion _piece_, (not to be confused with the interpretation of ass that killed the Bishop.)
> 
> A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: “You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?”
> 
> So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
> 
> So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”
> 
> Well, the Man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours and your hulking son?”
> 
> The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.
> 
> “That will teach you,” said an old man who had followed them: “If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.”


A guy was really angry with his donkey. So,one day, he shoved the donkey in an open pit. Then he began shoveling dirt into the hole. But the donkey just shook off the dirt and stood on it. Eventually, as the man continued to try to cover the donkey, the donkey rose and walked away. There is a lesson to be learned. "Never give up, when the world heeps dirt on you, shake it off and rise above it." But there is also a second lesson. One day, the donkey returned and bit the guy in the back of his pants. That lesson is " Often times, when you try to cover your ass, it'll come back to bite you in the ass.


----------



## NRA_guy




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## nehimama




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## nehimama




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## nehimama




----------



## po boy




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## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

nehimama said:


> View attachment 110804


Good, but they are in a non-American car? (The steering wheel is on the wrong side.)


----------



## Danaus29

nehimama said:


> View attachment 110804


Must be on a European vacation. Yep, @NRA_guy, I noticed it too.


----------



## 67drake




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## Tom Horn




----------



## kinderfeld

Not wasting any time.


----------



## kinderfeld




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## nchobbyfarm




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## nchobbyfarm




----------



## NRA_guy

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 110855


That reminds me of the "slow school" signs:









and


----------



## NRA_guy

Sadly, that right there is funny to me.


----------



## Digitalis




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## Digitalis




----------



## po boy




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## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 110866


OMG, you’re back!


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> OMG, you’re back!


----------



## Pony

But not a "Woke" Wolf!


----------



## Pony

_I know it's not his cat. Just go with the bottom comment. -- Pony!_


----------



## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Evons hubby

So, the other day I asked a Scotsman if he was wearing panties under his skirt. Apparently he was not only wearing them but they had gotten in a bit of a twist! Doc says my vision should return in a few days when the swelling goes down.


----------



## po boy




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## Tom Horn




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## nchobbyfarm




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## po boy




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## Tom Horn




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy




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## Digitalis




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## Digitalis




----------



## haypoint

Pony said:


> View attachment 110870


True story. I needed a couple plastic 5 gallon jugs for getting diesel fuel. Tractor Supply had the proper yellow jugs, but they were $3 more than the red cans. So, I bought two red gans. Then, on my gasoline can at home, I marked as "GAS". I knew which was which and never gave it another thought, for a few years. 
I filled the red cans with diesel while in town. But just left them in the back of the truck. I have two tractorsm, a large and a small. I hadn't decided which one I was going to use, so just left the cans in the truck. When I was ready, I discovered that my cans were gone. SOB, some thief took them. 
A week later, I heard a guy was caught with a car full of stolen items. His car had stopped running for some reason. He had stolen my fuel to put in his car. Not sorry.


----------



## 67drake

haypoint said:


> True story. I needed a couple plastic 5 gallon jugs for getting diesel fuel. Tractor Supply had the proper yellow jugs, but they were $3 more than the red cans. So, I bought two red gans. Then, on my gasoline can at home, I marked as "GAS". I knew which was which and never gave it another thought, for a few years.
> I filled the red cans with diesel while in town. But just left them in the back of the truck. I have two tractorsm, a large and a small. I hadn't decided which one I was going to use, so just left the cans in the truck. When I was ready, I discovered that my cans were gone. SOB, some thief took them.
> A week later, I heard a guy was caught with a car full of stolen items. His car had stopped running for some reason. He had stolen my fuel to put in his car. Not sorry.


Karma


----------



## NRA_guy

Digitalis said:


> View attachment 111020


Looks like they covered the glass before they started painting.

Hopefully they covered the head and tail lights, too.


----------



## Nimrod

Times are tough and the blond lost her job. She decided she was too proud to take unemployment compensation so she was going to go door to door seeking handyman type work.

She went looking in the wealthy part of town figuring her chances of finding work were better there. She walked up this long curving driveway to a big mansion and knocked on the door. When the owner opened the door she explained the situation and asked for work. The owner didn't want to hire her but he admired her chutzpah so he said she could paint the porch for $20, thinking she would refuse. He was amazed when she accepted. He gave her a can of paint the right color and a brush and told her he would be having a drink by the pool in the backyard and she should come see him when she was done.

About 20 minutes later she comes trotting around the side of the house. He asked her if she was done so quickly. She replied, "yes. Do you want me to paint the Cadillac too?".


----------



## fishhead

67drake said:


> Karma


I like a happy ending.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## 67drake




----------



## haypoint

NRA_guy said:


> Looks like they covered the glass before they started painting.
> 
> Hopefully they covered the head and tail lights, too.


I remember back in the 1960s there was a national chain that would paint a car real cheap. They had good painters. But when you get there, washing the car was extra, taping the windows and grill, extra. Sanding out scratches, extra. In order to get a "nice" paint job, the list of add-ons was long.


----------



## po boy

haypoint said:


> I remember back in the 1960s there was a national chain that would paint a car real cheap. They had good painters. But when you get there, washing the car was extra, taping the windows and grill, extra. Sanding out scratches, extra. In order to get a "nice" paint job, the list of add-ons was long.


Maaco?


----------



## sniper69

haypoint said:


> I remember back in the 1960s there was a national chain that would paint a car real cheap. They had good painters. But when you get there, washing the car was extra, taping the windows and grill, extra. Sanding out scratches, extra. In order to get a "nice" paint job, the list of add-ons was long.





po boy said:


> Maaco?


Earl Scheib. 🤣


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> View attachment 111094


That described my wife to a "T". You never talked to her unless she had her coffee.


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 111115


If you’re a millennial-“What’s the problem?”


----------



## po boy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## NRA_guy

po boy said:


> View attachment 111178


Did you know that there are 2 states and 1 city where you cannot legally pump your own gas?
---------------------------
States Where You Cant Pump Your Own Gas 2022

Can you pump your own gas in New Jersey?
New Jersey is one of two states where you can't pump your own gas, and it has been that way since 1949. There have been some exceptions in recent years, however any form of self-service gassing up is a violation of the Retail Gasoline Dispensing Safety Act. The purpose of this act is to pay an ode to the gas attendants across the Garden State.

New Jersey prides itself on being able to offer its residents a full-service experience when they are at the pumps. That is a key reason behind the ban on self-service pumping. However, health and safety purposes is another. With full-service gassing in New Jersey, prices for gas are a little higher than across the nation. It is not something that appears to bother New Jersey residents at all who enjoy having gas attendants tend to their vehicles when it is time to fuel up. A violation of this law could mean a fine from $50 to $250. Repeat offenses will mean a fine of $500.

Can you pump your own gas in Oregon?
Oregon is the second of two states where you can't pump your own gas. This has been banned since 1951 and has some exceptions. Rural areas in Oregon with towns that are less than 40,000 residents have been permitted to pump their own gas since 2018. Some restrictions apply. Residents in smaller towns can often serve themselves gas at any time of day. Safety is a key reason cited for restrictions on gas pumping in Oregon. Fumes and spills are dangerous to residents, with pregnant women a key concern for Oregon lawmakers. A key exception made to this ban occurred in 2020 when the Covid-19 pandemic was declared. Governor Kate Brown of Oregon lifted the ban temporarily, between March 25 and May 2020 to illness, but attempts to slow down the transmission of the virus in Oregon were also reasons cited for lifting the ban.

Can you pump your own gas in Huntington, New York?
New York is not one of the states where you can't pump your own gas, but it is home to a city that has decided to stand out on this life service. The state of New York overall does allow for self-service gas stations, but Huntington, New York has banned the service. All gas stations in the city are completely full-service. The city of Huntington is reputed to have fire safety on their mind with keeping this law in effect. The law has been in place since the early 1980s. Violations to this law include fines.


----------



## Redlands Okie

Ran into the Oregon deal a couple years ago. Guy driving at the time did not know better. Attendant had a hissy fit and took over.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## RJ2019

Redlands Okie said:


> Ran into the Oregon deal a couple years ago. Guy driving at the time did not know better. Attendant had a hissy fit and took over.


I've done that a couple of times before. Last time I realized what I was doing and told the attendant "OH yeah, Oregon"🤣


----------



## po boy




----------



## nchobbyfarm

I took this picture not terribly far from my house. I cut the phone number off on purpose.

I wanted to call and ask what a "cleaing service" is but I was to scared of what the answer might be. In case I'm behind the times and it's something new and well.......


----------



## 67drake

Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said to the other, "Where did you get the great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Understanding Engineers 2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers 3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"



Understanding Engineers 4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers 5

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?



Understanding Engineers 6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.



Understanding Engineers 7

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Steve, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took pliers from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, “21 feet," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Congress.


----------



## NRA_guy

Hey! Retired mechanical engineer here. I can relate to some of that. 

We engineers see practically everything in life as a problem to be solved. And we usually come up with a solution---even when there is not a problem to be solved.

Has there EVER been an engineer in Congress? 

By the way, Jimmy Carter was NOT a nuclear engineer. He graduated 60th in his US Naval Academy class with a Bachelor of Science (not in Engineering), Class of 1946–1947. 

After several assignments not involving nuclear power, his Naval service consisted of:

16 OCT 1952 - 08 OCT 1953 —Duty with US Atomic Energy Commission (Division of Reactor Development, Schenectady Operations Office): 

From 3 NOV 1952 to 1 MAR 1953 he served on temporary duty with Naval Reactors Branch, US Atomic Energy Commission, Washington, D.C. “assisting in the design and development of nuclear propulsion plants for naval vessels.”​​From 1 MAR 1953 to 8 OCT 1953 he was under instruction to become an engineering officer for a nuclear power plant. He also assisted in setting up on-the-job training for the enlisted men being instructed in nuclear propulsion for the USS Seawolf (SSN575).​
9 OCT 1953—Honorably discharged at his own request due to his dad's death.


----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## NRA_guy

"Nutrition facts for Little Debbie Turtle Brownies" sounds like an oxymoron.

If you eat turtle brownies, chances are that you are NOT worried about nutrition.

From the label:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------









Then there is this (that's what it takes to burn off 1 turtle brownie):









But most folks won't stop at 1 brownie and most folks who eat don't weigh 140 lbs.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## from_wa

Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 

Actually to an Engineer is is completely full....Part with liquid and part with air!


----------



## 67drake

Not a joke, but I got a chuckle out of it. This guy was at my sons baseball game.
Ive been pheasant hunting for 45 years, and a rooster flushing still gets my adrenaline going.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> View attachment 111186


I predict that within 2 or 3 years gasoline pumps in the US will be changed to selling gas in "liters".


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## mreynolds

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 111306


My dog used to get mad at me when I missed. He was not amused at all.


----------



## nchobbyfarm

mreynolds said:


> My dog used to get mad at me when I missed. He was not amused at all.


I had a female black lab that used to look at me and seem to say "are you kidding me" when I missed. 

I feel your pain!


----------



## Tom Horn

*The swordfish has no natural predators to fear...*

except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Psychiatrist 'It seems like you have a fear of getting married. Do you know the symptoms?'*

'I can't say I do.'

'Exactly. That's one of them.'


----------



## Tom Horn

*I have developed an irrational fear of elevators*

Thankfully, I can take steps to avoid them.


----------



## Tom Horn

*Which group does the LGBTQ+ fear the most?*

The LGBTQ- because they will cancel each other.


----------



## Tom Horn

*So, death isn't actually the most common fear...*

... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.


----------



## Tom Horn

*The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.*

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me, did you find her?" Wilkens asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."


----------



## Tom Horn

*A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO **paperwork and was burned out.*

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result. I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "| gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler which I've never seen done in my entire career".


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## TxGypsy

I have laughed way too hard over this. 103 here today.


----------



## NRA_guy

Gross.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Tom Horn

TxMex said:


> I have laughed way too hard over this. 103 here today.


That ain't nothing.

In Arizona they fart dust.

*TODAY’S WEATHER FORECAST*
6/17
111°Hi 
RealFeel® 112°
Hot; breezy this afternoon


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Redlands Okie

NRA_guy said:


> I predict that within 2 or 3 years gasoline pumps in the US will be changed to selling gas in "liters".


And the price will probably stay the same. Just in liters instead.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Danaus29

kinderfeld said:


> View attachment 111451


Somebody has been listening to me and hubby at Rural King. I go to the stores with good seed selections when he is at work just to avoid scenes like that.


----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy

Chicken 1: “Lawd! Poor Loretta!
Chicken 3: “She looks good though… looks flavorful. Who did the body?”
Chicken 2: “Bernice! You know the one who makes the good cornbread!”
Chicken 3: “Well. That’s good! As long as they didn’t let Sheryl do the body!”
Chicken 1: “Chile! I told my children that when I go to let anybody but Sheryl do me.”
Chicken 2: “I heard she don’t even season you when it’s your time to go… no Lawry’s or nothing!”
Chicken 1: “That’s a shame!”
Chicken 3: “You know when I go I think I want to be fried...”
Chicken 2: “FRIED?!”
Chicken 3: “Yes. I hear that a nice way to go.”
Chicken 1: “You know they fried Earnest?!”
Chicken 2: “Lawd! Not Earnest… AIN’T NOBODY TOLD ME NOTHING!”


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## Tom Horn




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## poppy




----------



## mreynolds

poppy said:


> View attachment 111538


That's not humor, that's the truth.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## mreynolds

TxMex said:


> View attachment 111549


And I guess Santa won't visit me this year either.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## nchobbyfarm

Why did they tie the table cloth to the dogs collar? 

Just to make a video?


----------



## TxGypsy

nchobbyfarm said:


> Why did they tie the table cloth to the dogs collar?
> 
> Just to make a video?


That's my thought


----------



## mreynolds

nchobbyfarm said:


> Why did they tie the table cloth to the dogs collar?
> 
> Just to make a video?


They were tying one on.


----------



## Redlands Okie

Trying one on…….Oh my. I hated to do it, but that made me smile.


----------



## Nimrod

Cop pulled me over. Says "your eyes are red. Have you been smoking weed?" I said "your eyes look glazed over. Have you been doing donuts?"


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## nchobbyfarm

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting 
it in a fruit salad.
7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."
11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.


----------



## Digitalis

nchobbyfarm said:


> Why did they tie the table cloth to the dogs collar?
> 
> Just to make a video?


Looks like the tag got caught in the lace.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy

That's gonna be expensive to fix:


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## mreynolds

NRA_guy said:


> That's gonna be expensive to fix:
> 
> View attachment 111678


Those FFs need to go back to class and learn about flammable metals then. One word:

FOAM


----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## MO_cows




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## JRHill02

See something, say something. Early signs of a serial killer.


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1541526854644924416


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

*
Great. NOW what???*


----------



## Pony

_*This would be the indoor/outdoor cat, Howie. *_
*His raison d'être *_*is to bite at my toes.








*_


----------



## Pony

*You're a good boy, little pug. Yes you are!*


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## 67drake

TxMex said:


> View attachment 111775


Let me know if he has any old cars and guns too!


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## mreynolds

My mom taught me to 2 step when I was 8.

Got me in more trouble later in life though than I ever thought possible. Just too many Yankees wanting to learn to dance.


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## po boy

Silly stuff


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## mreynolds

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 111872


The second girl on the left had to adjust her glasses. 

hmmmm


----------



## 67drake

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 111872


My local diner put this above their toilet in the men’s room a few months back. It’s one of the waitresses in the photo.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## KC Rock




----------



## KC Rock




----------



## alida




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## JRHill02

The DW stopped into a shop in Hood River, OR and on a rack was a bumper sticker: "*My kid is on more medications than yours*".

Sorry. I guess its not that humorous.


----------



## poppy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## GTX63

Inflation Tacos


----------



## KC Rock




----------



## KC Rock




----------



## KC Rock




----------



## po boy

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=491793316055978


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy

TxMex said:


> View attachment 111946


And as Einstein said, "Everything's relative."


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Danaus29

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 111954


They had their Halloween stuff out yesterday.


----------



## KC Rock




----------



## KC Rock




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony

TxMex said:


> View attachment 111995


Well, Kevin Lehman wrote that *Sex Begins in the Kitchen*. Dishes done and sink scrubbed? Ooh, baby!


----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## poppy

Saw another one that said 'The inventor of autocorrect has passed away. May he rust in piss.


----------



## Pony

poppy said:


> View attachment 112030
> 
> 
> 
> Saw another one that said 'The inventor of autocorrect has passed away. May he rust in piss.


Is that red car a T-bird?


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> Is that red car a T-bird?


‘59 Caddy


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> ‘59 Caddy
> View attachment 112035


----------



## po boy

67drake said:


> ‘59 Caddy
> View attachment 112035


I had a 59 and 60 chevy and u can see a lot of those chevys in that car. 58 also


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Pony

Pony said:


> View attachment 112034












*Come on!*

*Is it that nobody reads binary anymore, or that it just isn't funny?*


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 112050
> 
> 
> *Come on!*
> 
> *Is it that nobody reads binary anymore, or that it just isn't funny?*


Maybe I’m to old or out of touch, but I have no idea what the IIOO is, unless it’s some computer language. I don’t know if I’m supposed to recognize the guy either?


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> Maybe I’m to old or out of touch, but I have no idea what the IIOO is, unless it’s some computer language. I don’t know if I’m supposed to recognize the guy either?


The guy is Zuckerberg.

The 1's and 0's are binary code. It is spelling out "exterminate."


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Nimrod

Pony said:


> View attachment 112033


Last one should be hoser.


----------



## Pony

Nimrod said:


> Last one should be hoser.


No, because there is no "r" in the original word.

Come on. Don't overthink it. LOL


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## poppy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Hey, this is like posting a 1000 memes all at once! A guy I know who hauls and delivers antique cars around the US stopped in at this place, decided to video it, then posted on YouTube. If you want a few laughs check it out, but I warn you, you’ll be reading for an hour!


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## 67drake




----------



## TxGypsy

I don't get that. I keep hearing references to women and the gas light. 
My ex lost it if he got in my truck and it was at half a tank.
What is the deal with guys and the level of gas in the tank?!


----------



## 67drake

We


TxMex said:


> I don't get that. I keep hearing references to women and the gas light.
> My ex lost it if he got in my truck and it was at half a tank.
> What is the deal with guys and the level of gas in the tank?!


Well, it’s just a stereotype joke. But in MY case it’s 100% true. 
My wife hates pumping gas, and I’m more than happy to fill her tank for her, but she waits till it’s on E, then always has to take a trip somewhere and is in a hurry when she asks.
The electric fuel pump in the tank is cooled by the gas around it. Empty tank, hot pump. Also around here in the winter your gas line is a lot more susceptible to freezing with an empty tank. On my old cars I keep the tank full also since the fuller it is, the less exposed metal on the inside to turn to rust. Just to name a few.


----------



## TxGypsy

67drake said:


> We
> 
> Well, it’s just a stereotype joke. But in MY case it’s 100% true.
> My wife hates pumping gas, and I’m more than happy to fill her tank for her, but she waits till it’s on E, then always has to take a trip somewhere and is in a hurry when she asks.
> The electric fuel pump in the tank is cooled by the gas around it. Empty tank, hot pump. Also around here in the winter your gas line is a lot more susceptible to freezing with an empty tank. On my old cars I keep the tank full also since the fuller it is, the less exposed metal on the inside to turn to rust. Just to name a few.


So basically it's your fault. You do this as a nice thing for her and who wouldn't want their honey to do nice things for them? You need to keep a closer check on her gas tank 😉😁


----------



## 67drake

TxMex said:


> So basically it's your fault.


Oh, so you two have been talking?


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> View attachment 112114


Ha! It's the other way around here. I am absolutely nutsoid about making sure there is gas in the car.

DH, OTOH, tends to enjoy life on the razor's edge. I think he likes the danger of running on fumes...

ETA: To be fair, it has been a long time since he ran out of gas, and now that I think about it, he has become very good at making sure there is ample fuel to get us home from our adventures.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Yes, I know there's a typo, but still...


----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## RJ2019

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 112137


California at its finest😆


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## 67drake

Digitalis said:


> View attachment 112140


It’s ALWAYS the 10mm and 1/2”!


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 112133


That’s how I get when we run out of coffee, and the wife comes home from the store with decaf.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 112157


<best Emo Phillips voice> Soooo.... what does it mean when you rip off the eyes and scream "STOP LOOKING AT ME!!"?


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## po boy




----------



## KC Rock




----------



## po boy

KC Rock said:


> View attachment 112175


Brandon's WH
Bedpans and depends.


----------



## po boy




----------



## KC Rock

I used to kid people around here that think their "southerners". Think it's some kinda badge they wear. Asked them if 

they's southern, to spell rat. "RAT" they usually respond. And I grin and say, "no!" "i mean like rat now."


----------



## NRA_guy

(Can't recall where I saw this. It may be a dupe.)


----------



## 67drake

Thought it looked familiar! I have the close up of the Milky Way in my kitchen.


----------



## NRA_guy

po boy said:


> View attachment 112181


The ONLY way you will ever get a decent tasting tomato is by growing them yourself . . . or having a generous neighbor who grows them.

Sadly, kids growing up whose only exposure to tomatoes is the grocery store will never know what a real tomato tastes like.

Store bought tomatoes are picked green, let ripen in a building, then stored in a refrigerator and they taste like cardboard.

(Same is true of peaches. And commercially grown varieties of water melons are bred for thick rinds and easy hauling and storage rather than taste. If you ever had a fresh ripe homegrown tomato, peach, or the right variety of water melon you will not ever buy one in a store.)


----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> The ONLY way you will ever get a decent tasting tomato is by growing them yourself . . . or having a generous neighbor who grows them.
> 
> Sadly, kids growing up whose only exposure to tomatoes is the grocery store will never know what a real tomato tastes like.
> 
> Store bought tomatoes are picked green, let ripen in a building, then stored in a refrigerator and they taste like cardboard.
> 
> (Same is true of peaches. And commercially grown varieties of water melons are bred for thick rinds and easy hauling and storage rather than taste. If you ever had a fresh ripe homegrown tomato, peach, or the right variety of water melon you will not ever buy one in a store.)


I posted pics last year of a water melon I bought at a local farm. It had seeds, but was the best watermelon I’ve had in years. I usually get them at the store. Same goes for pretty much any fruit or veggie you buy at the store. I haven’t had a good blueberry since a guy I know brought some back from Michigan every year. The ones in the store are flat out disgusting.


----------



## whiterock

local grocery used to get some good ones in. I would look for the boxes with the name on them. They were almost as good as home grown. None this year though.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy

NRA_guy said:


> The ONLY way you will ever get a decent tasting tomato is by growing them yourself . . . or having a generous neighbor who grows them.
> 
> Sadly, kids growing up whose only exposure to tomatoes is the grocery store will never know what a real tomato tastes like.
> 
> Store bought tomatoes are picked green, let ripen in a building, then stored in a refrigerator and they taste like cardboard.
> 
> (Same is true of peaches. And commercially grown varieties of water melons are bred for thick rinds and easy hauling and storage rather than taste. If you ever had a fresh ripe homegrown tomato, peach, or the right variety of water melon you will not ever buy one in a store.)


Yep, I grow my own and have a lot more than I can eat. My mail ladies get a lot and so do my neighbors. I grow from seed and share them with anyone that wants them.


----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> View attachment 112184


Very funny, but typha grows in the North as well.


----------



## NRA_guy

Not my work but my welding efforts have been just about as bad. I gave my flux wire welder away after several attempts to use it.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## ladytoysdream

I wish I had a caption for this .....


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## VBF

.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 112260


Hey, I cooked a frozen pizza a few years ago and left the cardboard under it, on top of the metal pizza pan.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Evons hubby

TxMex said:


> View attachment 112271


Bwaaahahaha!!


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony

TxMex said:


> View attachment 112278


I adore my man, and think that males are one of God's best creations, but by golly! As a gender, they seem unable to differentiate shades of white, let alone the color wheel.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> I adore my man, and think that males are one of God's best creations, but by golly! As a gender, they seem unable to differentiate shades of white, let alone the color wheel.


I think the opposite is true in my marriage. I was a printer and ink mixer for over 30 years. My wife is color illiterate. If I’m the one paying for, and doing the painting, I have to also OK the color.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## poppy




----------



## po boy




----------



## poppy




----------



## 67drake

poppy said:


> View attachment 112321


My kind of diet.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy

OK, not so funny I guess:


----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## TxGypsy

Bwahahaha!!! I'm a Patriot Guard rider when I have a motorcycle..... which is mostly veterans. I can see this happening! 🤣🤣🤣


----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## alida




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> I think the opposite is true in my marriage. I was a printer and ink mixer for over 30 years. My wife is color illiterate. If* I’m the one paying for*, and doing the painting, I have to also OK the color.


I thought you said that you are married?


----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> I thought you said that you are married?


Ok, we’ll, ignore that sentence


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> Ok, we’ll, ignore that sentence


Well, it's a huge thread drift, but what's DH's is mine, and what's mine is DH's. If something is purchased, we are BOTH paying for it. 

Just sayin'.


----------



## Hiro

67drake said:


> Ok, we’ll, ignore that sentence


It is okay. You can say it here, just don't share the webpage. 

I will say, in your defense, having painted a crap load of walls in my day. I am not scared to veto color choices (though I certainly don't want to pick one) and the farm boss can be scary....


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> Well, it's a huge thread drift, but what's DH's is mine, and what's mine is DH's. If something is purchased, we are BOTH paying for it.
> 
> Just sayin'.


I meant to say “buying”. I do the prep, go to the hardware store, do the painting, ect. I hope you’re not taking it too seriously anyway, this is the joke thread. This whole thing started because of a meme saying husbands can’t pick a paint color, and around my house it’s the opposite.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy

TxMex said:


> View attachment 112365


The problem is, that the older me can not remember the younger me.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## TxGypsy

po boy said:


> The problem is, that the older me can not remember the younger me.


I remember. I wish there was a way to go back and tell my younger self how incredible she was and how much potential. To not let others pull me down.
Oh!!!!! And to start sailing now!!! ⛵ ⛵


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> I meant to say “buying”. I do the prep, go to the hardware store, do the painting, ect. I hope you’re not taking it too seriously anyway, this is the joke thread. This whole thing started because of a meme saying husbands can’t pick a paint color, and around my house it’s the opposite.


I was just pokin' at you a bit.

And yes, I am sure that there are men who can pick colors. In my experience, however, many men are either incapable of, or simply don't care to bother to differentiate between the variations of "white" paint.

I'm sure you know your way around a color wheel, and you're also very good at applying the color of your choice.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> Ok, we’ll, ignore that sentence


I deserve 50 lashes with a wet noodle.

Totally misread this post.

I'm sorry.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

Pony said:


> View attachment 112367


It will. Remember soylent green?

They will probably start with white male heterosexual Christian Republicans . . .


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> I deserve 50 lashes with a wet noodle.
> 
> Totally misread this post.
> 
> I'm sorry.


Lol, I just realized I (or autocorrect) wrote “we’ll”. It should have been “well”. I thought you were getting a little ornery on that end. I had already rescinded on what I posted about “I pay for”


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
Not All Seniors Are Senile...


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

NRA_guy said:


> It will. Remember soylent green?
> 
> They will probably start with white male heterosexual Christian Republicans . . .


I remember Soylent Green. Freaked me out when I first saw it, and it still chills me to this day.

Do you think they've made upgrades to the product since the 70's?


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

Digitalis said:


> View attachment 112417


Easy: cat food, dog food, bird food, etc.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## 67drake

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 112509


That’s not funny, that’s fact. 90% of my leftovers are SAE, and I always seem to need a metric nowadays.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

67drake said:


> That’s not funny, that’s fact. 90% of my leftovers are SAE, and I always seem to need a metric nowadays.


I finally took the time to put together a rolling hardware rack with bins for each thread pitch- and I maintain some discipline in putting new nuts and bolts into the right bins, instead of throwing them on a bench somewhere to put away “later”. 

It works. Now, about 70% of the time, even if it’s not the perfect bolt, I can find one that’ll do.


----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

po boy said:


> View attachment 112510


That could be me---except that I'm not a big fan of Jeeps.


----------



## Pony

NRA_guy said:


> That could be me---except that I'm not a big fan of Jeeps.


*HERETIC!!!*


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> I finally took the time to put together a rolling hardware rack with bins for each thread pitch- and I maintain some discipline in putting new nuts and bolts into the right bins, instead of throwing them on a bench somewhere to put away “later”.
> 
> It works. Now, about 70% of the time, even if it’s not the perfect bolt, I can find one that’ll do.


I thought it was a big deal a few years back when I finally separated my nuts, bolts, and washers into separate bins!


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

67drake said:


> I thought it was a big deal a few years back when I finally separated my nuts, bolts, and washers into separate bins!


I’m telling you, bro. Go the extra mile and separate them by pitch. It really helps. Depending on how large your collection has become, it may take a whole snowy weekend day…or two… but it’s totally worth it.

Every time I find a loose nut or bolt laying around, I figure out what size it is and toss it into the proper bin.


----------



## NRA_guy

My problem is that when I need three #6 sheet metal screws x 1" long, and I go to a store, I have to buy a pack of 12. I use 3 and have 9 left over.

Repeat that with various screws, nuts, bolts, washers, O-rings, pipe fittings, etc., over 40 years and I end up with a ton of stuff that cannot be stored in an orderly manner no matter how hard I try.

So 5 years later when I need another #6 sheet metal screw, I go back to the store and buy 12 more. 

Of course, when I get through and start to put the left over 11 screws in a little plastic container, I find the 9 left over from 5 years ago.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## crabappleplum




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Danaus29

TxMex said:


> View attachment 112545


Mine's better, the heat is always on and the driver's window doesn't roll down.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

The Week In Pictures: Bondage Fantasy Edition


Seventeen members of Congress got themselves ticketed for blocking traffic outside the Supreme Court building in Washington, in a protest against democracy. Staged, stereotyped and subject at most to a $50 fine, it was a ho-hum affair. But certain female (if we can still use that term)...




www.powerlineblog.com


----------



## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> View attachment 112552


Is that a gas can or is he just glad to see him?


----------



## Pony

This one deserves a post of its own.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

I chuckled at this one.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## KC Rock




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

KC Rock said:


> View attachment 112579


----------



## genebo

We need some humor here. The politics should have their own page.


----------



## Evons hubby

genebo said:


> We need some humor here. The politics should have their own page.


There is tremendous humor in politics, particularly on the left.


----------



## NRA_guy

Evons hubby said:


> There is tremendous humor in politics, particularly on the left.


The left has no sense of humor. The only thing that they find funny is inflicting pain and suffering upon the right.

(I really prefer the terms "socialist" and "Constitutionalist".)


----------



## nchobbyfarm

And if it was bad enough, I got another one from dad. And those were WAY worse!


----------



## genebo

If I did something a little bad, Mother would spank me for it. If I did something worse, she'd tell me to wait until Daddy got home.
He'd come into the house, happy to be home. Mother would greet him with, "Beat that kid!" This would anger Daddy so much that he would take it out on me.
I'd scream from the pain of my spanking, until Mother would rush in and scream at Daddy to stop. "You're killing him", she'd say.
With that, Daddy would go into his bedroom and shut the door.
I know it hurt me to get my butt whipped, but I believe that it hurt my parents just as much. I resolved to be better, for their sake.


----------



## nchobbyfarm

Most of us came to the same conclusion. 

But momma got her licks in first. Then the old man. That made it worse IMHO.

Some took more sessions than others! I was a slow learner.


----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

Yesterday afternoon I saw something weird falling out of the sky. I didn't recognize it. It was lots of small droplets of some kind of clear liquid.

I searched Google and found that it's something called "rain". 

After I read that, I recalled hearing Mama and Daddy talk about rain when I was a little boy.


----------



## KC Rock




----------



## whiterock

NRA_guy said:


> Yesterday afternoon I saw something weird falling out of the sky. I didn't recognize it. It was lots of small droplets of some kind of clear liquid.
> 
> I searched Google and found that it's something called "rain".
> 
> After I read that, I recalled hearing Mama and Daddy talk about rain when I was a little boy.


Born in 1950. Big drought in the early 50s. I would occasionally see a rain shower. The first real thunderstorm I experienced, I hid under a table.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 112644


Oh, you’ve met my lab


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## mreynolds

I know people like that. If you add up all their experience, they are 120. 




po boy said:


> View attachment 112652


----------



## nehimama




----------



## po boy




----------



## 67drake

nehimama said:


> View attachment 112656


….which reminds me of a birdhouse I just hung last week! Wifey saw it at a resale shop and couldn’t resist. It’s so funky I had to hang it on one of our sheds.


----------



## po boy

67drake said:


> ….which reminds me of a birdhouse I just hung last week! Wifey saw it at a resale shop and couldn’t resist. It’s so funky I had to hang it on one of our sheds.
> View attachment 112659
> View attachment 112660


Similar, I plan to make this one


----------



## po boy

and this one


----------



## 67drake

Those are cool! I’d put those in my yard any day. My dog would bark non stop at that first one though. 
It might keep the neighborhood kids away too!


----------



## KC Rock




----------



## KC Rock




----------



## KC Rock




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

KC Rock said:


> View attachment 112669


Since last week? Sure, we can blame him.

Are you planning to give him credit before the gas prices get back down to what they were on, say, 1/6/21? The average was $2.25/gal.

Get back to us when Brandon gets us back to where he started from.


----------



## Danaus29

po boy said:


> and this one
> View attachment 112665


If there is a side that opens for easy cleaning I would buy a couple. Then I would have to set out at Mom's house and watch how people react to it.


----------



## po boy

Danaus29 said:


> If there is a side that opens for easy cleaning I would buy a couple. Then I would have to set out at Mom's house and watch how people react to it.


It's easy to make one side a clean-out door, The front and back overlap the sides. Prior to assembly lay the front over the backboard, and drill a hole a little larger than a nail through both about an inch from the top. Assemble all the parts except the door piece. Place the clean-out door in place making sure it is even on both sides and drive a small nail through the drilled hole on both the front and back. To keep it closed, u can use a piece of scrap wood about an inch long, bore a hole in the center, and attach it to the front or back edge.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## NRA_guy

KC Rock said:


> View attachment 112669


That's like a contractor quoting you a price that's 3 times what it should cost. 

Then when he does the work and he "only" charges you twice what it should cost, you think that he's great.


----------



## poppy




----------



## Nimrod

Guess where the entrance is?


----------



## po boy

Nimrod said:


> Guess where the entrance is?
> 
> View attachment 112699
> View attachment 112699


Nose


----------



## nchobbyfarm

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## genebo

Guy #1: I just got a brand-new Cadillac for my wife.

Guy#2: You're lucky! I couldn't get a used Volkswagen for mine.


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## mzgarden

Pony said:


> Ok I might need a new keyboard if I can't get the coffee out of the keys, lol.
> 
> View attachment 112725


----------



## Pony

KC Rock said:


> View attachment 112673





KC Rock said:


> View attachment 112669


----------



## Pony




----------



## poppy




----------



## 67drake

Reminds me of some of the stuff we did in high school. You did what you had to do because you were broke. I’m not saying we were SMART.


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> Reminds me of some of the stuff we did in high school. You did what you had to do because you were broke. I’m not saying we were SMART.


Yeah, but even in high school, we would have used ratchet straps to secure the beam at the top of the ladder.

Probably.... <shrug>


----------



## poppy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## NRA_guy

*Dilbert*










If you don't read Dilbert every day, you are missing some funny stuff: Link


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Hiro




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## poppy

Pony said:


> View attachment 112838


 Wonder if the original owner's still is behind the house.


----------



## RJ2019

Pony said:


> View attachment 112838


That checks out.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 112837


I hope he was breach.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

*Before I sign off for the day, I will now plant a song in your head. 

You're welcome.
*
*BWAHAHahahahaha!*


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## cannonfoddertfc

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 112907


Very nice handwriting though...


----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro

Pelosi cancels Taiwan visit!


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Evons hubby

TxMex said:


> View attachment 112942


Oh yeah, this is going to be good! Lol


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 112945


CLASSIC!


----------



## NRA_guy

I can't decide if the following is funny or sad and pathetic:


----------



## Evons hubby

NRA_guy said:


> I can't decide if the following is funny or sad and pathetic:


Sad, very sad.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy

You know some of those folks have student loan debt.....


----------



## po boy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> I can't decide if the following is funny or sad and pathetic:


Now ask them to spell it.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## KC Rock




----------



## NRA_guy

TxMex said:


> You know some of those folks have student loan debt.....


. . . and they vote and hold office.


----------



## po boy




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

nehimama said:


> View attachment 112957


I gotta admit, if there was some particular thing going on at my appointed polling place that was causing an outbreak of monkey pox, I believe I’d request an absentee ballot.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

KC Rock said:


> View attachment 112964


Conservatives? Why, yes, we do have spines.

You guys let Dingy Harry Reid retire in office.


----------



## 67drake

po boy said:


> View attachment 112965


He should also be bent over


----------



## KC Rock

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> Conservatives? Why, yes, we do have spines.
> 
> You guys let Dingy Harry Reid retire in office.


Just can't quite grasp the subtle nuance of the cartoon, can you?


----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> View attachment 112965


They funny part is, looks like he lost some weight too. If nothing else, inflation will help a lot of people lose weight


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

KC Rock said:


> Just can't quite grasp the subtle nuance of the cartoon, can you?


Huh?

You mean the dual layers of humor that conservatives actually have standards, where Marxists do not, and, then, that _leftists can’t meme_?

No. I got it.

Crystal clear, here, Petunia.


----------



## KC Rock

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> Huh?
> 
> You mean the dual layers of humor that conservatives actually have standards, where Marxists do not, and, then, that _leftists can’t meme_?
> 
> No. I got it.
> 
> Crystal clear, here, Petunia.


Not quite what I meant....sweety pie. Got any guns names dufus?


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

KC Rock said:


> Not quite what I meant....sweety pie. Got any guns names dufus?


I bet you suck at ping-pong as much as you suck at life.

Not everyone can be thinkers. Don’t sweat it.


----------



## NRA_guy

KC Rock is obviously trying to get this humor thread locked by posting political s__t in it.

It is more proof that liberals have no sense of humor . . . and that they resent (and try to silence) those of us who do.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy

ကြည့်ရှုရန် လောဂ်အင်ဝင်ပါ သိုမဟုတ် အကောင့်ဖွင့်ပါ


Facebook ပေါတွင် ပိုစ်မျာ၊ ဓာတ်ပုံမျာနှင့် အခြာအရာမျာစွာတိုကို ကြည့်ပါ။




fb.me


----------



## NRA_guy

po boy said:


> ကြည့်ရှုရန် လောဂ်အင်ဝင်ပါ သိုမဟုတ် အကောင့်ဖွင့်ပါ
> 
> 
> Facebook ပေါတွင် ပိုစ်မျာ၊ ဓာတ်ပုံမျာနှင့် အခြာအရာမျာစွာတိုကို ကြည့်ပါ။
> 
> 
> 
> 
> fb.me


??? I'm not getting it.


----------



## Danaus29

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 112945


I have to get some of those pictures!


----------



## TxGypsy

The thing that makes this really funny is I swiped this off of Senator Ted Cruz's page 🤣🤣


----------



## Evons hubby

I don’t always take a beautiful woman home with me to spend the night…… but when I do they never want to leave in the morning!

Those roofies keep them out cold until at least mid afternoon.


----------



## mreynolds

TxMex said:


> View attachment 112999
> 
> 
> The thing that makes this really funny is I swiped this off of Senator Ted Cruz's page 🤣🤣


That's scary.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Danaus29 said:


> I have to get some of those pictures!


Me, too!


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm

Oops.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy

mreynolds said:


> That's scary.


This is one reason I like him.... he's got a sense of humor and isn't worried if someone gets their panties in a wad over it


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1555181188947607552


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Puppy training...


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy

. . . and then the fight began.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

The Week In Pictures: Your Lying Eyes Edition


We live in the era of peak gaslighting. Recession? What recession? Inflation? The price of gas is falling! The border? We're plugging the gaps in the wall! Hundreds of billions of dollars in more deficit spending? We're fighting inflation! Foreign policy? It's going swimmingly! I guess in...




www.powerlineblog.com


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## KC Rock




----------



## Hiro

KC Rock said:


> View attachment 113130


I am surprised that you know how to use a double entendre.......or maybe you don't.


----------



## KC Rock

apparently you don't....

'a word or phrase open to two interpretations, one of which is usually risqué or indecent:'


----------



## Hiro

KC Rock said:


> apparently you don't....
> 
> 'a word or phrase open to two interpretations, one of which is usually risqué or indecent:'


That just proves that you don't. Also, quoting others without proper....bless your heart.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk

*







*


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony

Did I already put this one up? 

Oh, well.... just in case...


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Not laughing at the corny joke, I love the photos!


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy

Do people not pronounce the L in salmon ?!! How do you not say the L?


----------



## po boy

TxMex said:


> Do people not pronounce the L in salmon ?!! How do you not say the L?


I did until my wife took me to the woodshed about it.
Say mon


----------



## NRA_guy

Everybody I know pronounces the "L" in salmon.

But we Southeners do NOT pronounce "everything" like Yankees imitating the Southern dialect think we do. (See Jackie Gleason in Smokey and the Bandit as a prime example.)

They have been told that we drop the "g" on the end of words like "huntin'" and "fishin'"; so they say "everythin'".

We say "everythang".


----------



## Danaus29

I pronounce it sah-men. I don't know why there is a silent L in the word.


----------



## Evons hubby

There’s an “L” in sahmon??


----------



## po boy

Someone found an extra L and stuck it salmon to get it out of the way.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Pony

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 113265


LOL

Looks a bit like our security system.

Locals have taken to calling us "the dog people" when they give directions.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## NRA_guy

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> View attachment 113324


Rule No. 1: If it can't have a black hero, it must be banned.

Even the kids movie "Song of the South" was banned because (even though it had a black hero) it didn't meet the woke criteria.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## NRA_guy

Hmmmm. Wonder where the other 3 bricks of cocaine are?


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Digitalis

NRA_guy said:


> Hmmmm. Wonder where the other 3 bricks of cocaine are?
> View attachment 113385


They're 8. Looks like yall need eye exams.


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

Digitalis said:


> They're 8. Looks like yall need eye exams.


You're not messing with some of that there coke, are you?


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm

NRA_guy said:


> You're not messing with some of that there coke, are you?


Look closely. There are 8.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

nchobbyfarm said:


> Look closely. There are 8.


"OK. Now I see", said the blind man.

3 of the stacks are really 2 bricks taped together. Gotcha'.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 113475


Amen. 
Should read “Rap music” though.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

It was NOT Congress that kicked her out. It was the voters. The Democrats and RINOs in Congress love her.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Digitalis

nehimama said:


> View attachment 113636


She said "someone," knowing damn well it won't be the socialist leaders.


----------



## po boy




----------



## RJ2019

.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nehimama

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 113686


I can pump as much grease in the wheels as possible, and they still squeal


----------



## GTX63

Son had a tire go bad on the way back to college last night. I'm just about to go to bed when my wife grabs me and says "Lets go". She is telling me where he is and what happened when I pulled on the floor jack sitting in the corner of the garage. The second it moved all sound other than the squeaking wheels of that floor jack were muted.


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> I can pump as much grease in the wheels as possible, and they still squeal


Maybe it's an anti-theft device!


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

*Anyone from northern Ill-annoy or southeast WI recognize this former WLS-AM disc jockey?*


----------



## Pony

Words of wisdom before I hit the rack:


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> *Anyone from northern Ill-annoy or southeast WI recognize this former WLS-AM disc jockey?*
> 
> 
> 
> View attachment 113701


Bob Sarot?


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## NRA_guy

nehimama said:


> View attachment 113680


Can somebody please explain that to me? I have no idea . . .


----------



## Evons hubby

NRA_guy said:


> Can somebody please explain that to me? I have no idea . . .


It’s a check engine light…. As in “somethings wrong here”.


----------



## NRA_guy

Evons hubby said:


> It’s a check engine light…. As in “somethings wrong here”.


Ah-ha! Gotcha'.

Thanks.


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> Bob Sarot?


Yes! Bob Sirott! 

DING DING DING!!! YOU WIN! 

Here's a cookie:


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 113722​


A guy I worked with years ago was showing my coworkers and I his new Superman tattoo one day. The big red S, and yellow background. I noticed the S was backwards! We had a great laugh off of that one.


----------



## TxGypsy

I still think of the little pig going shopping when I say it.


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nehimama




----------



## 012345

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office License PLEASE return it or I will come after you. You have my WORD!


----------



## Pony




----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## Pony

;;;;


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

IYKYK


----------



## po boy




----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 113757


I just had to….


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy

Pony said:


> View attachment 113807


It ain't about value. It's about buying votes and redistribution of wealth from the workers to the loafers.

You know as Karl Marx said: "From each according to his ability; to each according to his need." 

And of course, "ability" and "need" are defined by the government.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> View attachment 113823


Don't forget the taxpayers who went to college and paid off their own student loan debts.


----------



## Evons hubby

Pony said:


> Don't forget the taxpayers who went to college and paid off their own student loan debts.


I resemble that remark!


----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1563653626060488708


----------



## Pony

Hiro said:


> __ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1563653626060488708


Darn. The pic got chopped off. 

I've seen it before, though.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## TxGypsy

@Pony I had an ex try to milk a bull! 
I was working for a dairy in the milking parlor(pit) when my ex got laid off and I got him hired to work with me. This was a straight in parlor rather than a slant. The cows didn't eat while being milked. 
One morning the bull followed a cow in heat into the milking parlor. He knows the routine.. no problem.
So I'm on the opposite side and have put milkers on 3 cows and notice that my ex is still on the same one. I walk over and he is trying to attach to the bull 😂😂
Y'all never marry city boys!!


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## GTX63

_*FIRST TEXT MESSAGE:*
Hi, Bob. This is Pete, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been using your wife, day and night, probably much more than you ever do. I haven't been getting it much at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. I'll give you money if it makes any difference. - Pete.
Bob, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Pete dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Bob then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Pete.

*SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:*
Hi, Bob. Pete here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, hey? It'll be the death of us!_


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## mreynolds

GTX63 said:


> _*FIRST TEXT MESSAGE:*
> Hi, Bob. This is Pete, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been using your wife, day and night, probably much more than you ever do. I haven't been getting it much at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. I'll give you money if it makes any difference. - Pete.
> Bob, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Pete dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Bob then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Pete.
> 
> *SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:*
> Hi, Bob. Pete here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, hey? It'll be the death of us!_


A guy was working on the road. He got to missing his wife real bad one night but it was too late to call. He decided to send her a text instead so she could read it in the morning. It said:

Wish you were her.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

mreynolds said:


> A guy was working on the road. He got to missing his wife real bad one night but it was too late to call. He decided to send her a text instead so she could read it in the morning. It said:
> 
> Wish you were her.


No kidding- I’ve sent that exact text… twice.


----------



## mreynolds

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> No kidding- I’ve sent that exact text… twice.


Never use auto correct as a marriage counselor.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

mreynolds said:


> Never use auto correct as a marriage counselor.


Yeah. One time I sent that was accompanying a picture of the Grand Canyon… with an excruciatingly hot brunette just inside the frame.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

…and, yes, I am still somehow on my first wife.


----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1564341251062784003


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## 67drake

My wife sent me this, she always said I had no butt.


----------



## 67drake

Digitalis said:


> View attachment 113920


So that’s what that’s used for. I have one in my box, and didn’t know what to do with it.


----------



## GTX63

67drake said:


> My wife sent me this, she always said I had no butt.
> View attachment 113924


Not sure cooking greasy food on a bbq grill is a good idea in that atire.


----------



## TxGypsy

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I
can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2
hours.' The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How
long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a
half.’ The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob , do me a favor
follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

67drake said:


> So that’s what that’s used for. I have one in my box, and didn’t know what to do with it.


…and probably, decades ago when you bought it, you asked the guy at the auto parts store for a ball joint separator, he looked at you like you had a third arm growing out of your forehead for a second and then said “_Oh!!! You mean a pickle fork?_”


----------



## nehimama




----------



## 67drake




----------



## NRA_guy

po boy said:


> View attachment 113916


Um, that should be "students' loans".  

I just finished reading:


----------



## 012345




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## Pony

NRA_guy said:


> Um, that should be "students' loans".
> 
> I just finished reading:
> View attachment 113932


I own both Lynne Truss' *Eats Shoots and Leaves*, as well as* Talk to the Hand*. They were gifted to me by my in-laws, who also love the English language.

Such a great wit, and a true aficionado of the English language.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> I own both Lynne Truss' *Eats Shoots and Leaves*, as well as* Talk to the Hand*. They were gifted to me by my in-laws, who also love the English language.
> 
> Such a great wit, and a true aficionado of the English language.


Yeah, but what if you are from Texas and dont understand English?


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Digitalis

Pony said:


> View attachment 113969


my puppy would love it. Can't get him to stop chewing cardboard...


----------



## po boy




----------



## genebo

Pony said:


> View attachment 113968


Wait a minute and you'll have some grey Poupon!


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

The new ponycar is a disgusting aberration. It only identifies as a Mustang - it's not the real thing!


----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## sweetbabyjane

It's all a matter of perspective...









Must-See Photos of Hilarious Wedding Fails Captured On Camera - Trendy Matter


Your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life—but that doesn't mean that all weddings are without mishaps...




www.trendymatter.com






SBJ


----------



## sweetbabyjane

Here is one more... The photos from this link are just too funny!









Must-See Photos of Hilarious Wedding Fails Captured On Camera - Trendy Matter


Your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life—but that doesn't mean that all weddings are without mishaps...




www.trendymatter.com















SBJ


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

View attachment 114052


----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Pony

nehimama said:


> View attachment 114066


I could still go back to the city in which I grew up, and not only find my way around, but help you find your way around. 

It's on a grid.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> I could still go back to the city in which I grew up, and not only find my way around, but help you find your way around.
> 
> It's on a grid.


I’ve found Kenosha to be the easiest of all. All numbered streets and avenues ( except a couple of oddballs). Give me an address and I can tell you exactly where it is.


----------



## mreynolds

67drake said:


> I’ve found Kenosha to be the easiest of all. All numbered streets and avenues ( except a couple of oddballs). Give me an address and I can tell you exactly where it is.


Try Galveston. 
Ave A thru Ave Z 
St 1 thru St 59
One set goes east/West and the other goes north/South. 

Then there is the Seawall of course. That should be self explanatory.


----------



## GTX63




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

D-BOONE said:


>


All their lives? 

That’s kind of creepy. 
…seems like there are bigger problems than just a deficiency in measuring skills.


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## crabappleplum

__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=864737601154780


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Danaus29

Hubby and I fought with a couple stuck buckets a few days ago. Only the true rulers of the house can get them apart. I am still Queen.


----------



## 67drake

Danaus29 said:


> Hubby and I fought with a couple stuck buckets a few days ago. Only the true rulers of the house can get them apart. I am still Queen.


If you drill holes in them they come apart easily


----------



## po boy

Put an empty butter container in the bottom of each bucket so they will not go all the way down..


----------



## MO_cows

Hiro said:


> View attachment 114107


We usually break at least one when that happens....strongest force in the universe, the bucket meld!


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## Pony

*This meme of the little Rothschild hellspawn cracked me up!*


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results.”
"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Danaus29

67drake said:


> If you drill holes in them they come apart easily


That defeats the purpose of a bucket. 

Have you ever wondered why the stacks of new buckets at the store don't get stuck?


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## 67drake

Danaus29 said:


> That defeats the purpose of a bucket.
> 
> Have you ever wondered why the stacks of new buckets at the store don't get stuck?


It was a joke


----------



## po boy

67drake said:


> It was a joke


Put the holes near the top


----------



## Danaus29

67drake said:


> It was a joke


I get that your post was a joke. But still, why is it that buckets in the store come apart easily but once you get them home they seem like they are glued together? It's one of those mysteries of the universe.


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Pony

Danaus29 said:


> I get that your post was a joke. But still, why is it that buckets in the store come apart easily but once you get them home they seem like they are glued together? It's one of those mysteries of the universe.


Darn. I thought/hoped you knew the answer!

Guess the joke is on me, eh?


----------



## Danaus29

Pony said:


> Darn. I thought/hoped you knew the answer!
> 
> Guess the joke is on me, eh?


I know the answer, but if I tell you everyone else will know. 😉

Actually it's dirt. Dirt and gunk between the buckets causes friction which keeps them from coming apart. It takes 2 people to separate stuck buckets. One to pull the handle of the inside bucket and another to press their thumbs against the lip of the inner bucket while pressing their fingertips against the rim of the outer bucket. The big secret is you have to alternate pressures quickly. Left, right, left, right and on until the suction is broken and the buckets come apart. Done correctly the person pulling the handle of the inner bucket will fall on their butt. Then the outer bucket holder laughs and says "I'm sorry, I didn't think that would work". It's even better if you record the whole incident on video.


----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## crabappleplum




----------



## Pony




----------



## RideBarefoot

Danaus29 said:


> I get that your post was a joke. But still, why is it that buckets in the store come apart easily but once you get them home they seem like they are glued together? It's one of those mysteries of the universe.


Tie a length of baling twine to the bail. Drop it inside the bucket. Stack another bucket on top. The twine keeps them from sealing together.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## starrynights




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Dupe. Sorry!


----------



## Pony

*I'm leaning toward the "woodland creatures" option, hoping I don't have to dress like Snow White...*


----------



## Danaus29

Pony said:


> *I'm leaning toward the "woodland creatures" option, hoping I don't have to dress like Snow White...*
> 
> 
> View attachment 114222


I was out shopping earlier. My Mtn Dew addiction is the only thing keeping me from living among the woodland creatures. Civilization is overrated, and very few act civilized.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

I thought he was the Artist Formerly Known as Wallace:


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 114220


I’m so out of touch with the world, I have to Google half the jokes on here. ID’ing famous people, movie scenes, or politicians? Maybe 1 in 100


----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony

*Goats and dogs together, taking over the world! *








[/QUOTE]


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## po boy




----------



## Digitalis

Which one of yalls got a new neighbor? 🤣


----------



## NRA_guy

Digitalis said:


> Which one of yalls got a new neighbor? 🤣
> 
> View attachment 114276


I would have included "and keep your stupid barking dog in your house".

I will never understand folks who live in a quiet, upper middle class, wooded neighborhood and let their dog bark in their yard all day long. 

Others let their dog run all over the neighborhood to search for a girl dog in heat, chase folks' cats, crap in folks' yards, and pee on folks' mailboxes and such.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

That's gonna hurt


----------



## NRA_guy

Pony said:


> View attachment 114315


Reminds me of this:


----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> Reminds me of this:
> View attachment 114344


One of my favorites.


----------



## sniper69

67drake said:


> One of my favorites.


You'd like this video then.


----------



## 67drake

sniper69 said:


> You'd like this video then.


Hilarious. I saw one about 10 years ago where the rifle flew back and shattered the window at the indoor range. My boss showed it to me and I haven’t seen it since. I remember an Arab shooting it.


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1570885919892246531


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Montanarchist

A classic from badquaker.com


----------



## Pony




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## NRA_guy

nehimama said:


> View attachment 114419


*"Rules for thee, but not for me."*


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## crabappleplum




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Evons hubby

po boy said:


> View attachment 114442


Ok, I ran this through babblefish…. It comes out bad in 17 languages!


----------



## GTX63




----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1572007408393949184


----------



## GTX63




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## TxGypsy

How do you hit a skunk with a mower? They will run from you. It's only the stuff that has the instinct to stay still and hidden that you run over.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## Hiro




----------



## 67drake

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 114482


My wife would disagree, you haven’t smelled my sons football cleats.
And I’m not kidding. They are sitting outside on our front porch right now. My wife has run every chemical possible in the wash machine with them. I did just buy an ozone machine….


----------



## 67drake




----------



## Hiro

NYC to release criminals even faster with giant slide.


----------



## sniper69

67drake said:


> My wife would disagree, you haven’t smelled my sons football cleats.
> And I’m not kidding. They are sitting outside on our front porch right now. My wife has run every chemical possible in the wash machine with them. I did just buy an ozone machine….


If you put the ozone machine inside a large plastic tote (Have a hole drilled for the power cord to go through and then seal around cord with tape), plug it in and set the timer for 30 minutes. Set the shoes in the tote and put the lid on. After the 30 minute timer is done the ozone machine will shut off. Wait 15 to 30 minutes more and remove the lid. The shoes should smell a lot better.


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## 67drake

sniper69 said:


> If you put the ozone machine inside a large plastic tote (Have a hole drilled for the power cord to go through and then seal around cord with tape), plug it in and set the timer for 30 minutes. Set the shoes in the tote and put the lid on. After the 30 minute timer is done the ozone machine will shut off. Wait 15 to 30 minutes more and remove the lid. The shoes should smell a lot better.


I think my ozone machine might smell like my sons shoes when I’m done. 
Seriously, we’re going to have to try this. I just bought a machine maybe 2 months back to clean up smells at our Air B&B, so that’s our next step. Thanks!


----------



## mreynolds

67drake said:


> I think my ozone machine might smell like my sons shoes when I’m done.
> Seriously, we’re going to have to try this. I just bought a machine maybe 2 months back to clean up smells at our Air B&B, so that’s our next step. Thanks!


I've heard ozone kills bedbugs too. That is handy for an AirBnB if it's true.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy

mreynolds said:


> I've heard ozone kills bedbugs too. That is handy for an AirBnB if it's true.


A friend of mine has a hotel and uses an ozone machine in her rooms when someone ignores the hefty fine and smokes in one of her rooms. 
Ex was in the fire and water damage business. Ozone machine will kill everything.


----------



## genebo

67drake said:


> My wife would disagree, you haven’t smelled my sons football cleats.
> And I’m not kidding. They are sitting outside on our front porch right now. My wife has run every chemical possible in the wash machine with them. I did just buy an ozone machine….


Try WIN laundry detergent. It is different from other detergents, which are designed to remove grease.
Amazon.com: WIN Activewear Laundry Detergent - Preserve Elastic, Brighten Colors, and Remove Odors. Made for Running Yoga Gym Microfiber Workout Clothes and Football Hockey Baseball Soccer Lacrosse Sports Uniforms - Active Fresh (Blue), 64 Fl Oz : Health & Household


----------



## mreynolds

TxMex said:


> A friend of mine has a hotel and uses an ozone machine in her rooms when someone ignores the hefty fine and smokes in one of her rooms.
> Ex was in the fire and water damage business. Ozone machine will kill everything.


After Hurricane Harvey, a friend of mine bought some ozone machines and went down to Houston. He made a fortune charging 2k~ per house. It took 3 days and all mold was killed without tearing out the studs. It killed the mold inside the air ducts too. He was the one that told me it will kill all bugs that use O2 to breathe. I guess that means all of them then. If I ever get bedbugs I will call him for sure. I have heard that heat treatment doesnt always work.


----------



## po boy




----------



## 67drake

TxMex said:


> A friend of mine has a hotel and uses an ozone machine in her rooms when someone ignores the hefty fine and smokes in one of her rooms.
> Ex was in the fire and water damage business. Ozone machine will kill everything.


Yes, we bought ours not because people smoked, but there is always that possibility. We got ours because often people cooked food with strong odors. We didn’t want that smell lingering for the next guests. Seemed to work well so far. Great to hear about the bedbugs, but I hope to not have to deal with that!


----------



## NRA_guy

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 114509


It did. (The punctuation in that is terrible.)


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Montanarchist

Important winter gear


----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## crabappleplum

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1572474113343778817


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## nchobbyfarm

The caption said the three friends were trying to collect honey.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Montanarchist

Country folk returning after fighting the city rioters all the way back to the city


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy

TxMex said:


> View attachment 114592


I'm kind of slow this morning. I don't get that at all.

Is the joke that "Me" is admitting that he has drugs and noting that the dog failed to detect them?


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Montanarchist

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 114596


I'll raise you, I can't even identify a single one of them.


----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## TxGypsy

NRA_guy said:


> I'm kind of slow this morning. I don't get that at all.
> 
> Is the joke that "Me" is admitting that he has drugs and noting that the dog failed to detect them?


Yes


----------



## Hiro




----------



## RJ2019

Hiro said:


> View attachment 114608


People really are this stupid🤣🤣😍


----------



## mreynolds

RJ2019 said:


> People really are this stupid🤣🤣😍


I'm just glad no one has seen my T-Rex mount yet. Got him with a bow at 30 yards.


----------



## NRA_guy

Hiro said:


> View attachment 114608


Where is his gun? Normally, the killer poses with his gun.


----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1573479238598008835


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Evons hubby

NRA_guy said:


> Where is his gun? Normally, the killer poses with his gun.


Didn’t use a gun, he strangled it with his bare hands!


----------



## po boy

Evons hubby said:


> Didn’t use a gun, he strangled it with his bare hands!


Nope, that was the stone age, he stoned the critter.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## 67drake




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1574135492681023489


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## crabappleplum




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

How do they pass their driver's test?


----------



## Evons hubby

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 114649
> 
> How do they pass their driver's test?


Carefully!


----------



## NRA_guy

Well . . . not exactly, but your standard of living dies.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## TxGypsy

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed: Desperate
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support 🤣


----------



## GTX63




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GTX63

Stuck with it... Episode #5 | By C3PMeme | Facebook


----------



## Digitalis




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## crabappleplum




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GTX63

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 114703


This deserves a bump as proof that all humor is based on truth.


----------



## Pony




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## TxGypsy

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 114713


That suggests an interesting genealogical study! Researching strictly through the mothers line. Really we should have last names assigned through our mother.....we know for sure that's part of our genetics 😉 by


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Danaus29

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 114703


Guilty. I've done that to hubby down in Hocking Hills. We have been to some interesting places.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## 67drake

TxMex said:


> View attachment 114720


My wifes parents divorced when she was young. She tells me her dad and uncle carried a motorcycle up the stairs to their 2nd floor apartment, and her dad proceeded to disassemble the engine to rebuild it in the bathtub. When her mom got home she freaked out and packed her things. I guess it wasn’t the first time. 
What’s the big deal, it’s not like he was doing it on the kitchen table?


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Digitalis




----------



## poppy

FBI rais Mike Lindell


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk

View attachment 114753


----------



## po boy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## mreynolds

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 114757


That looks like a European outlet.


----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## D-BOONE




----------



## GTX63




----------



## sweetbabyjane

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content











Edited to say that there is _nothing_ sensitive about this picture of a bar of soap. :/


SBJ


----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy

TxMex said:


> View attachment 114787


Kind of related: We live in a nice wooded neighborhood on a dead end street in Mississippi. We got some new neighbors about a year ago (a young couple and their 3 young daughters and a puppy).

Not long after they moved in I got a phone call asking me if I would go feed their dog in their house because they had gotten tied up out of town.

I said, "Sure, but do you have a key hidden somewhere?"

They said, "Oh, it's not locked. Just go on in."

Sure enough, not only was the front door not locked---it was not even closed. Just a glass storm door was shut.

Fast forward 6 months and I got the same request. I asked, "Is your front door still unlocked?"

They said, "Yeah. Just go on in."


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## starrynights

Evons hubby said:


> Didn’t use a gun, he strangled it with his bare hands!


NO, he's such a manly man, he farted in its general direction...


----------



## Pony




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 114799


Love it! Also in the ground should be politicians, folks who look to the government for everything, and (my pet peeve) the Code of Federal Regulations (CFR).


----------



## NRA_guy

By the way, I've been vaxed.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## NRA_guy

Not to be a grammar Nazi, but "ever done" would mean "ever done so far"---not "will ever do in life".


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

I just heard that 85% of Americans don’t know basic math...
Good thing I’m part of the 25% that does​


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Evons hubby

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 114811


Be nice….


----------



## 012345

Jimmy smoked crack and lost his hair,
Jimmy smoked crack and lost his hair,
Jimmy smoked crack and lost his hair and his teeth are melting awayyyyy.


----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63

How one guy lines his hat to absorb sweat.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## GTX63




----------



## po boy




----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## Hiro




----------



## mreynolds

Hiro said:


> View attachment 114853



Sorry, but that sounds like a man instead.


----------



## Hiro

mreynolds said:


> Sorry, but that sounds like a man instead.


Gender dysphoria is contagious.


----------



## mreynolds

Hiro said:


> Gender dysphoria is contagious.


Could be that too. Maybe they need to re-think their decision.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## nchobbyfarm

This guy is a marketing genius. This is being sold next to the smart waters.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Hiro




----------



## GTX63




----------



## po boy




----------



## whiterock

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 114880


a bit early for Halloween .


----------



## po boy




----------



## mreynolds

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 114880


I went to the tame Mardi Gras one time on Bolivar peninsula. No one gets naked. Then I saw a float coming that has all the people on it that were wearing stuff like that. Or was funny as hell.


----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro




----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## crabappleplum




----------



## Hiro




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## 67drake

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 114946


Yup!
My wife has our shower filled with all sorts of concoctions for her skin and hair. I have 3- a bar of soap, a tube off Goop, and a container of the cheapest shampoo I can find, 55 gallon drum preferred.


----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## GTX63

Pickle Cheesecake with a pretzel crust.
Pretty much life in a nutshell.


----------



## 67drake

GTX63 said:


> Pickle Cheesecake with a pretzel crust.
> Pretty much life in a nutshell.
> View attachment 114971


I’d try that


----------



## Pony




----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to reopen a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000." 

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. 

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" 

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." 

Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This taste like sh..!" 

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." 

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. 

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." 

Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is sh..." 

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." 

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. 

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!" 

Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill). 

Dr Young: "But this is only $10!" 

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." 

_Moral of story_ -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"


----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## GTX63




----------



## whiterock

maize maze


----------



## 67drake

Being a kid was so much easier then.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy

Pony said:


> View attachment 115094


The grocery store meat market that I started working in about 1963 sold bologna for 39 cents a pound or 3 lb for a dollar. That would cost about 45 cents back then. I worked Friday after school and all day Saturday and netted $7.42 or a little more than 21 pounds of bologna.


----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> The grocery store meat market that I started working in about 1963 sold bologna for 39 cents a pound or 3 lb for a dollar. That would cost about 45 cents back then. I worked Friday after school and all day Saturday and netted $7.42 or a little more than 21 pounds of bologna.


How times have changed...


----------



## TxGypsy

🤣🤣🤣


----------



## 67drake




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Pony

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 115115


It also takes crayon marks off the wall.

And ditto #10.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## alida

TxMex said:


> View attachment 115122


How true!


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 115125


Has the term for non-metric fasteners been changed from "English" to "standard"?

I know that the Brits have been metric for decades, but I thought that "English" still referred to non-metric fasteners.


----------



## nchobbyfarm

NRA_guy said:


> Has the term for non-metric fasteners been changed from "English" to "standard"?
> 
> I know that the Brits have been metric for decades, but I thought that "English" still referred to non-metric fasteners.


I only see standard used.


----------



## Pony

NRA_guy said:


> Has the term for non-metric fasteners been changed from "English" to "standard"?
> 
> I know that the Brits have been metric for decades, but I thought that "English" still referred to non-metric fasteners.


It's been "standard" as long as I've been wrenching.


----------



## genebo

"Has the term for non-metric fasteners been changed from "English" to "standard"?

The label "SAE" has been used for American Standard thread form for a long time. "BSW" is British Standard Whitworth" and has long been used for English threads. There are also Italian, Japanese and French thread standards.

"SAE" stands for Society of Automotive Engineers, which is US based.

If you are buying bolts in the USA, you are usually offered the choice between SAE (non-metric) and metric.


----------



## Nimrod

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 115125


I always called these type wrenches left handed universal open end wrenches.

I had a '68 Triumph Bonneville motorcycle that had Whitworth nuts and bolts and wrenches to fit. Had to have a completely different set of wrenches that only fit the motorcycle. Whitworth are also known as British standard and were used as far back as the Crimean war, The one where the British took over Crimea not the Russians. 

When I was a kid the wrenches, nuts and bolts were all American standard. Then there was a big push to convert to metric. My '96 Bronco has a mixture of Metric and American standard nuts and bolts. I never know which wrench set will fit until I try them. PIA. I do like my '68 Massey Ferguson lawn tractor, '82 Simplicity snow thrower, '64 and '81 Johnson outboards, and collection of '74 Homelite chainsaws. All used American standard. As I enter my 70'th decade less confusion is good.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1582170704727879680


----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1582495521721417728


----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy

Hiro said:


> __ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1582170704727879680


FYI you can do a screen capture and post that jpg image instead of those twitter links:


----------



## Hiro

NRA_guy said:


> FYI you can do a screen capture and post that jpg image instead of those twitter links:
> View attachment 115173
> 
> 
> View attachment 115174


I am aware. I try not to steal meme from some folks. Others, I do not mind as they do not attribute the makers.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy

People actually put Beto signs out in their yards!! 😱
I'd keep that sort of thing private.


----------



## Pony

TxGypsy said:


> People actually put Beto signs out in their yards!! 😱
> I'd keep that sort of thing private.


----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy

I'd be happy to offer Mr O'Roarke a Texas welcome.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 115208


We had a kid at work nail his finger to one of our wooden racks. About 2 weeks later he sliced his hand open when he backhanded a rack of raw glass. He got the job because his dad is in management at my company. Now the kids a manager trainee. I guess if you’re a dumbass they put you in management.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony

Hiro said:


> View attachment 115233


Remember those old t-shirts and posters?:

"*No matter who you vote for, the government gets in.*"


----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 115243


Except the ones with man buns.


----------



## Pony

mreynolds said:


> Except the ones with man buns.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

Pony said:


> View attachment 115346


That’s funny. I always felt a little guilty, and a lot pampered when I’d have the heat and the AC on in the same day. Our house is generally about 68-72F, regardless the time of day or year.

Since we switched to a heat-pump, though, I don’t since a HP is just an AC that runs backwards to make heat.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 115389


When I was single after a divorce, I went to a divorce recovery program at a local church. After a few weeks of meetings, all of the newly single folks started socializing with each other. (Divorce recovery sessions are a great way to meet single adults and a way to get back into circulation.)

Some of the folks would say things like, "Let's all get together at the Ramada Inn lounge Saturday night. We should get there around 10:00 p.m. because that's when the band starts."

I would say, "I'll have to pass. I will have been asleep for 2 hours by then."


----------



## NRA_guy

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 115390


A guy I knew long ago said that he had told his young son that the son had to go to school in order to get an education.

When his son came home on the school bus after his first day at school, the young boy said, "They didn't give me my education today. If they don't give it to me tomorrow, I ain't going back."


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## kinderfeld

A joke with a good lesson!😁


----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1585288713960988673


----------



## Hiro




----------



## nchobbyfarm

To those that think it's upside down, it's done so the dogs can see out.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 115410


I'm only 39. I dont get it.


----------



## Danaus29

mreynolds said:


> I'm only 39. I dont get it.


Lambchops. The character was a puppet in an old Saturday morning tv show for kids.





__





Loading…






puppet.fandom.com


----------



## GTX63




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## GTX63

Elon as he enters Twitter Headquarters. Feel free to add you own punchline.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Montanarchist

Any Browncoats here?


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1585657638200791041


----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1585801496108879873


----------



## RJ2019

Danaus29 said:


> Lambchops. The character was a puppet in an old Saturday morning tv show for kids.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> __
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Loading…
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> puppet.fandom.com


That was annoying even when I was a little kid. That theme song is etched into my brain FOREVER


----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## alida




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy

Hope that's not too political for the thread.


----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 115454
> 
> Hope that's not too political for the thread.


How is reality political?


----------



## NRA_guy

67drake said:


> How is reality political?


Well, you know, the leftists see all facts and truth as right-wing propaganda. They live in a dream world fostered by Karl Marx sycophants.


----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 115459


Nope, don't miss him at all. 

Bad is bad. It's not a matter of degrees.


----------



## GTX63

Pony said:


> Nope, don't miss him at all.
> 
> Bad is bad. It's not a matter of degrees.


Lol, I believe Jimmy thought it was a matter of 55 degrees.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> View attachment 115469












My dogs laughed and laughed. They really like this one.

They also want to know when I am taking them on an airplane.


----------



## Hiro

Pony said:


> View attachment 115470
> 
> 
> My dogs laughed and laughed. They really like this one.
> 
> They also want to know when I am taking them on an airplane.


Some flights have weirder animals:










This was just before she put a diaper on it. And yes she disembarked from a plane with it.


----------



## Pony

*Halloween candy: 

When it comes to "fun-sized" the term is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar. 

They should call them what they are: "Disappointment- sized." *​


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> *Halloween candy:
> 
> When it comes to "fun-sized" the term is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being 1/8 the size of a regular bar.
> 
> They should call them what they are: "Disappointment- sized." *​


Oh yeah! Not to brag, but we were the only house in the neighborhood tonight giving out non disappointment size!


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> Oh yeah! Not to brag, but we were the only house in the neighborhood tonight giving out non disappointment size!


When we celebrated Hallowe'en, we gave out full-size candy bars. It was our thing.

Obviously, @67drake, you and we are from the same tribe.


----------



## haypoint

Pony said:


> When we celebrated Hallowe'en, we gave out full-size candy bars. It was our thing.
> 
> Obviously, @67drake, you and we are from the same tribe.


I raised my children in a very rural area and it took lots of driving on Halloween. But they got cans of pop, full size candy bars, real good stuff. One year, they went to town to stay with friends and go door to door. They were so disappointed. They had to go to so many houses and just ended up with a bag of penny candies. Never again.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> When we celebrated Hallowe'en, we gave out full-size candy bars. It was our thing.
> 
> Obviously, @67drake, you and we are from the same tribe.


I didn’t even answer the door. I just put them on the trunk of one of the cars, and hung out in my driveway. Trick or treating is a social event in my village.


----------



## Montanarchist

haypoint said:


> I raised my children in a very rural area and it took lots of driving on Halloween. But they got cans of pop, full size candy bars, real good stuff. One year, they went to town to stay with friends and go door to door. They were so disappointed. They had to go to so many houses and just ended up with a bag of penny candies. Never again.


We always lived way to isolated for trick-or-treaters but for Halloween us and our friends would meet at a subdivision by a local town. Husbands in one truck cab, wives in the truck bed, kids running house to house then getting in the truck bed until the next clump of houses. They'd probably arrest you now days for that and not even for the cooler of beer that was always in the cab.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Smoke56

I haven't seen a MARS bar in years..




Pony said:


> View attachment 115533​


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## GTX63

Scientists at Exeter University have reconstructed this 3D model of how Moses might have looked. 
"Let My People Go Brother"


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony

Smoke56 said:


> I haven't seen a MARS bar in years..


Me, either. They used to be my favorite, especially when the bar had whole almonds in a line on the top.


----------



## Pony




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## Nimrod

GTX63 said:


> Scientists at Exeter University have reconstructed this 3D model of how Moses might have looked.
> "Let My People Go Brother"
> View attachment 115559



Artist's rendering of a young Jesse Ventura?


----------



## whiterock

Hulk Hogan


----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Danaus29

Nimrod said:


> Artist's rendering of a young Jesse Ventura?


The WWF (back when it was still WWF) wrestler Hulk Hogan when he still had hair.


----------



## 67drake

Danaus29 said:


> The WWF (back when it was still WWF) wrestler Hulk Hogan when he still had hair.
> 
> View attachment 115590


I still don’t get the joke, but that’s the way it usually is with celebrity, tv and movie jokes, I’m always out of that loop.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Danaus29

67drake said:


> I still don’t get the joke, but that’s the way it usually is with celebrity, tv and movie jokes, I’m always out of that loop.


You would have had to watch him perform as a "wrestler". My cousins ate that stuff up. They loved the show and nearly beat me up when I said it was all fake and set up. If it was real they would not show credits for several choreographers.

Hulk was a good showman. He made mean faces and talked big and bad.


----------



## 67drake

Danaus29 said:


> You would have had to watch him perform as a "wrestler". My cousins ate that stuff up. They loved the show and nearly beat me up when I said it was all fake and set up. If it was real they would not show credits for several choreographers.
> 
> Hulk was a good showman. He made mean faces and talked big and bad.


So where does Moses come in?


----------



## Danaus29

I think it's because Moses put on a good show. Pharoh would have laughed and said, nope, not today. It didn't matter how big and bad he acted, Pharoh still wasn't going to let them go. At least that's what I think when I see it. It didn't matter how big and bad Hulk Hogan acted, he still wasn't always the winner.

A lot of people forget that Moses stuttered and Aaron was the real speaker.

Hulk Hogan gets beat by The Rock in this one.


----------



## TxGypsy

67drake said:


> I still don’t get the joke, but that’s the way it usually is with celebrity, tv and movie jokes, I’m always out of that loop.


Me too! If I don't get a joke it almost always has something to do with TV or movies. I haven't watched TV in a really long time


----------



## GTX63




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Montanarchist

TxGypsy said:


> Me too! If I don't get a joke it almost always has something to do with TV or movies. I haven't watched TV in a really long time


I killed my teevee in '99 but I still remember the wrestling ads from before that, Brother.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake




----------



## RJ2019

Lots of the books...


----------



## po boy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1587936385297940480


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Hiro

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 115636


They made a meme about my parenting....


----------



## Hiro

Payback is hard. My youngest just ate my last vienna sausage can and left the wrapper for the case sitting on the shelf.


----------



## 67drake

Hiro said:


> Payback is hard. My youngest just ate my last vienna sausage can and left the wrapper for the case sitting on the shelf.


My wife buys 2% milk, the kids say they will only drink 2% milk. I buy myself whole milk. The empty whole milk jug is always left in the fridge, next to the full 2% jug. Funny how nobody wants to drink whole milk.


----------



## Danaus29

67drake said:


> My wife buys 2% milk, the kids say they will only drink 2% milk. I buy myself whole milk. The empty whole milk jug is always left in the fridge, next to the full 2% jug. Funny how nobody wants to drink whole milk.


Pour the 2% into the whole milk jug. Just mark it somehow so that you know it's 2%.


----------



## GTX63




----------



## NRA_guy

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 115635


Southeren women have their mama's and grandmama's hand written recipes for turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, pecan pie, biscuits/rolls/bread, and ice tea---but they don't have to look up those recipes. They know them by heart.

There's nothing else to be cooked for Thanksgiving.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1588494535860314113


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Montanarchist

Unfortunately I can see the headline now: Heroic agents shoot dog and man with massive AOW weapon. When asked about the criminal's threat to society agent Tom "The Torcher" Ballzak replied: The guy was blue, man, clearly crazy and his dog was drooling. Labrador drool is known to be very dangerous." The interview ended when agent Ballzak noticed a hairpin in a neighbor's window and yelled "probably cause boys, I see a machine gun part there" and broke down Mrs, Roger's front door and shot her cat


----------



## haypoint

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 115637
> 
> I just read a post for my area on facebook. A dairy needs an ambitious, reliable, skilled person for farm work. Must have a reliable vehicle. But they want them to work one or two days a week, maybe some weekends. I'm thinking those that meet those requirements already have a full time job.


----------



## TxGypsy

Yeah, some employers live in fantasy land.

However, you never know....I have worked at several dairies. There's been plenty of times I could have used some extra cash when I was working for myself and had flexible hours


----------



## JRHill02




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro

And flashback, the Rittenhouse prosecutor talking in court about who has body armor and an AR in their vehicle.....I have no comment.

It is the little things that make me chuckle.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## GTX63

BUILD BACK BETTER!

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1588934166850461697


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## trackb




----------



## ladytoysdream

A burglar broke into a house one night, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said “JESUS knows you’re here”. He nearly jump out of his skin, click his flashlight off and froze. After a bit of silence, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out to disconnect the wires, he heard a voice clearly say,” JESUS is watching you”! Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice, finally the beam came to rest on a parrot in the corner of the room,” Did you say that”?, he hissed.” Yep, l’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you," parrot confessed then squawked. The burglar relaxed “warn me, huh, who in the world are you!”
“I’m MOSES”, replied the bird. The burglar laughed,” Moses, what kind of people would name a bird Moses?” The bird answered, “the same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler JESUS”!!!


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

*After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice. “Hi Sweetheart, it’s Mike I’m on the Train. Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting. No, honey, I was not with Paula from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting. No Sweetheart, You’re the only one in My life. Yes, I’m sure dear.”

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone.
“Darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Now, mike is back from the hospital and doesn’t use his cell phone in Public Any Longer!*


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## Danaus29

I want to put this on my truck, then set back and watch people's reactions.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## JRHill02




----------



## Pony

nehimama said:


> View attachment 115797


Interesting that a man who supports cancellation and limited speech is the man in the last frame.


----------



## Pony

JRHill02 said:


>


That whole series of videos (CA to TX) is hilarious. 

Gotta love the Bee!


----------



## trackb




----------



## trackb




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk

View attachment 115812


----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## JRHill02

Montanarchist said:


> View attachment 115815


This post should win some kind of award.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm

Um, ok...... it works I guess


----------



## Evons hubby

nchobbyfarm said:


> Um, ok...... it works I guess
> 
> View attachment 115832


What!?!? No safety chain!?!?


----------



## Pony

nchobbyfarm said:


> Um, ok...... it works I guess
> 
> View attachment 115832


Kentucky plates. 

Just makin' it work...


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## JRHill02

Don't we all need some humor in these days and times?

In all my time here the olive oil one is my favorite.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

JRHill02 said:


> Don't we all need some humor in these days and times?
> 
> In all my time here the olive oil one is my favorite.


I liked that one, too. Sent it to DH, because we often have the conversation that starts out, "What IS extra-virgin? Does that mean Olive Oyl never had an impure thought? Never been kissed? Never even held hands?"


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Montanarchist

JRHill02 said:


> Don't we all need some humor in these days and times?
> 
> In all my time here the olive oil one is my favorite.


I've been kinda slutty at times in my life but it's still funny. The world has gotten to sensitive.


----------



## Montanarchist

... And if you do the math, not only did those olives get 47 more snuggles with their fellow olives but they were hot and made $332.16 for it


Montanarchist said:


> I've been kinda slutty at times in my life but it's still funny. The world has gotten to sensitive.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## Pony

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 115859


But those floofin' ticks are still going strong. Just picked one off the puppy's head.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## Evons hubby

Hiro said:


> View attachment 115861


Indeed! Never use an aluminum ladder working on electric…. And where are his safety glasses!?!


----------



## trackb

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 115849


----------



## trackb

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 115850


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## crabappleplum

The Hazards of Backyard Hens - YouTube


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## NRA_guy

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 115900


 Yeah. That old Dr. Pepper thing about "10, 2, and 4" takes on new meaning when a guy gets over 75 years old.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GTX63




----------



## trackb




----------



## trackb




----------



## trackb




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Nimrod

Pony said:


> View attachment 115914​


I still remember the mnemonic I was taught to remember the color code for determining resistor values in ohms. 

Bad Boys Rape Our Young Girls But Violet Goes Willingly. 

Nope, you can't unring this bell. It's now stuck in your brain forever.

This translates into black (0), brown (1), red (2), orange (3), yellow (4), green (5), blue (6), violet (7), gray (8), and white (9). 

The gold or silver band is the tolerance.

If you are into this trivia here's a full explanation.

Resistor Colour Code - Resistor Colour Bands Table, Resistance Colour Code Examples, and FAQs

.


----------



## NRA_guy

Nimrod said:


> I still remember the mnemonic I was taught to remember the color code for determining resistor values in ohms.
> 
> Bad Boys Rape Our Young Girls But Violet Goes Willingly.
> 
> Nope, you can't unring this bell. It's now stuck in your brain forever.
> 
> This translates into black (0), brown (1), red (2), orange (3), yellow (4), green (5), blue (6), violet (7), gray (8), and white (9).
> 
> The gold or silver band is the tolerance.
> 
> If you are into this trivia here's a full explanation.
> 
> Resistor Colour Code - Resistor Colour Bands Table, Resistance Colour Code Examples, and FAQs
> 
> .


Yep. And the colors in the rainbow: Roy G Biv


----------



## sniper69

NRA_guy said:


> Yep. And the colors in the rainbow: Roy G Biv


And we learned it as Bad Booze Rots Our Young Guts, But Vodka Goes Well.

It is amazing how the electronics teachers back in the day would get us to remember the resistor colors.


----------



## 67drake

My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas 
The planets of the solar system, in order, that we learned in school. Well, if you include Pluto. I include Pluto, I’m old school.


----------



## mreynolds

sniper69 said:


> And we learned it as Bad Booze Rots Our Young Guts, *But Vodka Goes Well*.


They got that backwards. I cant stand Vodka.


----------



## mreynolds

67drake said:


> My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas
> The planets of the solar system, in order, that we learned in school. Well, if you include Pluto. I include Pluto, I’m old school.


Me too. My son and I argue over Pluto. 

Our local university Stephen F Austin State University (the ones that beat number 1 Duke) [ @Cabin Fever and @Wind in Her Hair] found a planet in their observatory and named it SFASU. We argue over that one too. 

Besides, If not nine pizzas then what?


----------



## mreynolds

Nimrod said:


> I still remember the mnemonic I was taught to remember the color code for determining resistor values in ohms.
> 
> Bad Boys Rape Our Young Girls But Violet Goes Willingly.
> 
> Nope, you can't unring this bell. It's now stuck in your brain forever.
> 
> This translates into black (0), brown (1), red (2), orange (3), yellow (4), green (5), blue (6), violet (7), gray (8), and white (9).
> 
> The gold or silver band is the tolerance.
> 
> If you are into this trivia here's a full explanation.
> 
> Resistor Colour Code - Resistor Colour Bands Table, Resistance Colour Code Examples, and FAQs
> 
> .


That sounds so union.


----------



## Cabin Fever

mreynolds said:


> Me too. My son and I argue over Pluto.
> 
> Our local university Stephen F Austin State University (the ones that beat number 1 Duke) [ @Cabin Fever and @Wind in Her Hair] found a planet in their observatory and named it SFASU. We argue over that one too.
> 
> Besides, If not nine pizzas then what?


I'm lost on this one.


----------



## mreynolds

Cabin Fever said:


> I'm lost on this one.


You were the one that told me right after the game that they won. I didnt think they would win and they did. It was you or your wife that saw it before I did.


----------



## TxGypsy

mreynolds said:


> Me too. My son and I argue over Pluto.
> 
> Our local university Stephen F Austin State University (the ones that beat number 1 Duke) [ @Cabin Fever and @Wind in Her Hair] found a planet in their observatory and named it SFASU. We argue over that one too.
> 
> Besides, If not nine pizzas then what?


I didn't realize you lived that close. Hi from over around Bullard 👋👋👋


----------



## GTX63




----------



## mreynolds

TxGypsy said:


> I didn't realize you lived that close. Hi from over around Bullard 👋👋👋


Been there.


----------



## Pony

Nimrod said:


> I still remember the mnemonic I was taught to remember the color code for determining resistor values in ohms.
> 
> Bad Boys Rape Our Young Girls But Violet Goes Willingly.
> 
> Nope, you can't unring this bell. It's now stuck in your brain forever.
> 
> This translates into black (0), brown (1), red (2), orange (3), yellow (4), green (5), blue (6), violet (7), gray (8), and white (9).
> 
> The gold or silver band is the tolerance.
> 
> If you are into this trivia here's a full explanation.
> 
> Resistor Colour Code - Resistor Colour Bands Table, Resistance Colour Code Examples, and FAQs
> 
> .


I used to play around with bread boards, and wish that Radio Shack was still around... 

And yes, I learned the "Bad boys..." mnemonic years ago, too. Can't get it out of my head, even when I tried to replace it with something -- anything! -- else.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## NRA_guy

An ad in Facebook Marketplace. I'd be leery of anybody who calls shelled pecans "peeled pecans":


----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## NRA_guy

I'm not familiar with the guy holding the black "A" flag. Is the A for "anarchy"?


----------



## NRA_guy

Walmart is getting ready for "Festivus for the Rest of Us". You can no longer get a shopping cart up and down aisles. In fact, there is no reason to try because the shelves are empty:


----------



## Montanarchist

NRA_guy said:


> I'm not familiar with the guy holding the black "A" flag. Is the A for "anarchy"?


Anarcho-capitalism is the logical conclusion of libertarian philosophy. It was the working model for Viking age Iceland and the so-called wild west. It is the only form of societal cooperation that isn't based on force, violence, and consent violations. It will return as a working model when humanity starts colonizing off this planet.


----------



## NRA_guy

I'm not sure about the capitalism part---maybe so---but I have often thought that the ultimate goal of libertarian philosophy is total anarchy. An "every man for himself" kind of country with no laws and no government whatsoever.

The writers of the Constitution struck a happy median on that, but the left has moved the pendulum towards socialism/communism.


----------



## Montanarchist

NRA_guy said:


> I'm not sure about the capitalism part---maybe so---but I have often thought that the ultimate goal of libertarian philosophy is total anarchy. An "every man for himself" kind of country with no laws and no government whatsoever.
> 
> The writers of the Constitution struck a happy median on that, but the left has moved the pendulum towards socialism/communism.


Anarchy is from the Greek and it means no rulers.

These two concepts are the backbone of the philosophy.
Edit to add. The system is beyond repair to return to this. Too many politicians and bureaucrats sucking too much graft to ever stop but that doesn't mean that the philosophy is flawed, it's the environment that is flawed. This is why it will reemerge off world.


https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-aggression_principle#:~:text=The%20non%2Daggression%20principle%20(NAP,the%20aggressor%20is%20liable%20and





https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voluntaryism


----------



## MO_cows

Hope you are old enough to get this....


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

Montanarchist said:


> Anarcho-capitalism is the logical conclusion of libertarian philosophy. ... It will return as a working model when humanity starts colonizing off this planet.


No. 
No it won’t. 
Not even a little bit.

And the American frontier-west was Anarcho-capitalistic? I’ve demonstrated my support of your right to smoke all the marijuana you want, but you really should consider _some_ moderation.


----------



## Montanarchist

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> No.
> No it won’t.
> Not even a little bit.
> 
> And the American frontier-west was Anarcho-capitalistic? I’ve demonstrated my support of your right to smoke all the marijuana you want, but you really should consider _some_ moderation.


Funny, but here's a paper that was originally published by the University of Montana to support my claim. The Not So Wild, Wild West | Terry Anderson, P.J. Hill


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

Montanarchist said:


> Funny, but here's a paper that was originally published by the University of Montana to support my claim. The Not So Wild, Wild West | Terry Anderson, P.J. Hill


Finding a scholar to hammer the square peg of anarchy into the round hole of reality is only marginally more difficult than finding a scholar who’ll claim that Communism can actually work.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## nchobbyfarm

And now back to the humor for @alleyyoopers thread so we don't get it closed. Since he can't start another. 

Start another thread please.


----------



## Montanarchist

Fair enough.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## sweetbabyjane

*"Dan: "Look. He's moving!""*

Reminds me of Death at a Funeral (the English version). My husband thought it was stupid but I laughed until I cried...









Death at a Funeral (2007) - IMDb


Death at a Funeral: Directed by Frank Oz. With Matthew Macfadyen, Keeley Hawes, Andy Nyman, Ewen Bremner. Chaos ensues when a man tries to expose a dark secret regarding a recently deceased patriarch of a dysfunctional British family.




www.imdb.com





Might have to watch it again now,
SBJ


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

*Charcuterie: 
French for 
"I want a sandwich, 
but I ran out of bread."*


----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 116015
> ​


Something tells me this isn’t a joke. I used to work in a shop.


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> Something tells me this isn’t a joke. I used to work in a shop.


They walk among us, breeding and voting....


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> They walk among us, breeding and voting....


Scary thought


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## MO_cows

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 116023


Yep. Fresh concrete is your chance to be immortal........


----------



## Hiro

Others may not find it humorous, but I do:


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GTX63

Call in voting 2024.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## Hiro




----------



## Pony

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 116051


Lousy Cadillac Northstar.

DH has replaced that starter on 2 occasions, when he worked for the local shop.

The coolant runs through the intake.

The engineer who designed it should have to replace that starter, working with the pencilneck who approved it, and only have acess to basic shade tree mechanic tools.


----------



## MO_cows

Sad but true


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro

Pony said:


> View attachment 116097


I despise these days. I am a SAD victim. Early January, despite being colder, I am renewed as the days get longer.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

Hiro said:


> I despise these days. I am a SAD victim. Early January, despite being colder, I am renewed as the days get longer.


I comfort myself with the knowledge that, in less than 6 weeks, the days will become increasingly longer.

There is hope. Hang in there, brother!


----------



## Pony

*Follow up to the Neil Diamond meme in post #10,400*









10,400


----------



## Nimrod

po boy said:


> View attachment 116041


Seven degrees of separation between exercise and Kevin.


----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> View attachment 116040


When I was on "walkabout" last month, I saw a plate I had never seen before. It was Hawai. In New Mexico of all places. 

Soooo, how did it drive here?


----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 116099​


Good times never seemed so good.


----------



## sniper69

mreynolds said:


> When I was on "walkabout" last month, I saw a plate I had never seen before. It was Hawai. In New Mexico of all places.
> 
> Soooo, how did it drive here?


Military member stationed at a base in New Mexico? IF that was the reason - the military had their vehicle shipped to their duty station on the mainland (or alternatively they bought a car in New Mexico and because they are residents of Hawaii got a plate from their home state).


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1594430865920077824


----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

After spending a few days there, one thing I am thankful for this Thanksgiving is that I do NOT live in Austin, Texas. 

Traffic, highways, people, city ordinances . . . that place is insane.

To paraphrase an old Hank Williams, Jr., song, "when I die, you can send me to hell or Austin, Texas, it would be about the same to me."


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## MO_cows

po boy said:


> View attachment 116129


I guess I am not one of the cool kids. Can someone 'splain this to me? I don't get it.


----------



## whiterock

El M en t op q r s t u v


----------



## Danaus29

They took the t off. el em n op qrstuv
Cute


----------



## poppy




----------



## Pony

po boy said:


> View attachment 116129


Illinois plates.... hm...


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Montanarchist

poppy said:


> View attachment 116140


An out of state hunter once shot a ranchers llama here, hung their elk tag on it, took it to a game processor...


----------



## 67drake

Montanarchist said:


> An out of state hunter once shot a ranchers llama here, hung their elk tag on it, took it to a game processor...


Geez. 
I had my chocolate lab shot at by a deer hunter during gun deer season. I was walking a creek looking for pheasant. 
My nephew and I were out goose hunting once, and he shot at some cranes coming in to check out my decoys. I told him that’s probably a $5-10,000 shot in you hit one and the DNR shows up. They were protected back then. Don’t know if they are now, I see them more than geese these days.


----------



## Montanarchist

67drake said:


> Geez.
> I had my chocolate lab shot at by a deer hunter during gun deer season. I was walking a creek looking for pheasant.
> My nephew and I were out goose hunting once, and he shot at some cranes coming in to check out my decoys. I told him that’s probably a $5-10,000 shot in you hit one and the DNR shows up. They were protected back then. Don’t know if they are now, I see them more than geese these days.


Sandhill cranes have been legal to hunt but not whooping cranes.


----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1594828000146726925


----------



## haypoint

Montanarchist said:


> Sandhill cranes have been legal to hunt but not whooping cranes.


Sandhill cranes are illegal to shoot in Michigan, because they are nesting. But legal to hunt after they fly south. They do a lot of crop damage.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## TxGypsy

Hiro said:


> View attachment 116145


Worn underneath the nose of course.

I wear a mask because I'm immune compromised. When I see people wearing masks below their nose I want to slap them, shake them and explain how low their IQ is.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk

...And then, as soon as they exit, the race is back on..........


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

For Thanksgiving dinner conversation:


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## NRA_guy

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 116204


I shared that with some friends and a 70-year old buddy replied, "A hot 23-year old girl is of less use to a 70+ year old man than a 73-year old woman."

And that's the sad truth.


----------



## Evons hubby

NRA_guy said:


> I shared that with some friends and a 70-year old buddy replied, "A hot 23-year old girl is of less use to a 70+ year old man than a 73-year old woman."
> 
> And that's the sad truth.


That depends on which one can cook.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Pony

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 116235


DH shared that one with me. I resisted the temptation to send it to family members.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

OK, Listen up!


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony




----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## Hiro




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## MO_cows

There is a flaw here but still funny I thought.


----------



## GTX63

When You Open The Refrigerator 3 Days After Thanksgiving And It's Still Full Of Leftovers.

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1596127814989844482


----------



## po boy




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy

I mowed me lawn today and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing. and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying just thinking" is because she then would have asked, 'About what?" At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer and some more heavy deductive thinking. I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, it might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say.
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.'
I rest my case. Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.


----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1596994777584525312


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## nchobbyfarm

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 116321


That's to the point!


----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 116331


She'll probably be as good as ever.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1597349392113369089


----------



## po boy




----------



## 67drake

Yeah, we just got the wife’s car back from the body shopping about a month back. $1200 from hitting a raccoon!


----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## po boy

Died before his time.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Hiro

Pony said:


> View attachment 116377​


It is just so ugly and incestuous no meme that can be posted here can touch the shenanigans. 

Anyway, lovely and spot on meme.....


----------



## TxGypsy

To my neighbors, I don't mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, please avoid using anything with Red or Blue flashing lights all together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police. I have to break hard, toss my whiskey & coke out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, extinguish my joint, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 116388​


I wonder what mimes play instead of charades?


----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## po boy

Good idea only if u can rig it to auto open.


----------



## Danaus29

po boy said:


> Good idea only if u can rig it to auto open.
> View attachment 116412


I see the wire tied to the lid. Wouldn't be too hard to rig up something. It's a really cute picture and such a neat idea.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## 67drake

po boy said:


> Good idea only if u can rig it to auto open.
> View attachment 116412


Yeah good idea, but I can just hear my wife -“It’s getting dark out! Did you leave the seat up again?!”


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## Montanarchist

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 116399


And Montana, and Colorado.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## MO_cows




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nchobbyfarm

Always good advice no matter how many times we read it.....

𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the time to do it twice.

Don't corner something that is meaner than you.

Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

Don't be banging your shin on a stool that's not in the way.

Borrowing trouble from the future doesn't deplete the supply.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Silence is sometimes the best answer.

Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Most times, it just gets down to common sense.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> View attachment 116458​


Years ago, I was in a bar in Kentucky talking to a river boat captain. He told me that his parents lived in NM and his grandparents lived in Louisiana. He and I can attest, that is one long drive. I've only done it twice though.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

mreynolds said:


> Years ago, I was in a bar in Kentucky talking to a river boat captain. He told me that his parents lived in NM and his grandparents lived in Louisiana. He and I can attest, that is one long drive. I've only done it twice though.


I did it once, three years ago, from west to east, and one time, last year, from east to west.

West to east was in the early winter. East to west was earth summer. It looked eerily identical both times, the only difference being that I was able to survive with my windows down the first time.


----------



## mreynolds

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> I did it once, three years ago, from west to east, and one time, last year, from east to west.
> 
> West to east was in the early winter. East to west was earth summer. It looked eerily identical both times, the only difference being that I was able to survive with my windows down the first time.


About 15-16 hours unless you put the pedal down.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

mreynolds said:


> About 15-16 hours unless you put the pedal down.


The west to east leg was UT to NC. The east to west leg was NC to CA.


----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1598767525000581129


----------



## poppy

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## po boy

It was only flat on the bottom.


----------



## po boy




----------



## JRHill02

GTX63 said:


> When You Open The Refrigerator 3 Days After Thanksgiving And It's Still Full Of Leftovers.
> 
> __ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1596127814989844482


 Three catahoulas freeked out somewhere.


----------



## JRHill02

Georgia fugitive arrested after replying to sheriff's department 'most wanted' Facebook post: 'How about me'


A man wanted for probation violations was arrested in Georgia after he commented on a Rockdale County Sheriff's Office's Facebook post.




www.foxnews.com


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## JRHill02

I appreciate this thread!


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Hiro

MO_cows said:


> View attachment 116495


I find that humorous. But, I would be in prison in short order if I ran like that.


----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> It was only flat on the bottom.
> 
> View attachment 116479


Flat bottom tires make the rocking world go 'round.


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

////////////////////////////////////////


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## 67drake

po boy said:


> View attachment 116511


What hurts is to watch Love actually play, unless you root for the other team.


----------



## Pony

67drake said:


> What hurts is to watch Love actually play, unless you root for the other team.


Oh, I'm rooting for the other team.

Not a football nut, but my favorite teams are the Bears and anyone who's playing Green Bay.


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## kinderfeld

Catfish Sam does not waste time.


----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## Pony




----------



## kinderfeld

This one is hilarious.


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> Oh, I'm rooting for the other team.
> 
> Not a football nut, but my favorite teams are the Bears and anyone who's playing Green Bay.


They’re playing each other as we write. Too busy to watch. I have the radio on when I happen to walk into the garage.


----------



## mreynolds

Pony said:


> Oh, I'm rooting for the other team.
> 
> Not a football nut, but my favorite teams are the Bears and anyone who's playing Green Bay.


But what happened today?


----------



## mreynolds

67drake said:


> They’re playing each other as we write. Too busy to watch. I have the radio on when I happen to walk into the garage.


Pack won.


----------



## kinderfeld

Wonder how this went...


----------



## Evons hubby

kinderfeld said:


> Wonder how this went...
> View attachment 116527


Not a first I’m sure!


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Nimrod

Maybe they just identify as cats. Not worth the risk trying to train black critters with white markings.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Pony

mreynolds said:


> But what happened today?


Don't know.

As I said, I'm not a football nut, less so since the whole "we're rich and oppressed" thing started.

Still, I grew up on the North Side of Chicago, and the Bears used to play at Wrigley Field. So, you know... kind of an artifact from childhood.

And if you ask anyone north of the Cheddar Curtain, I'm an FIB or FFL. LOL


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GTX63




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama

If "Build Back Better" was a wheelchair ramp


----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Hiro

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 116580


I relate to that meme so much it makes me jealous that I didn't write it.


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## poppy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 116593​


My wife does babysitting. This is the norm, trust me.
We bought my wife a almost new Suburban a few years back, low mileage, still smelled like a new vehicle. About 6 months later I got in and told her “It smells like sh*t in here”. I wasn’t exaggerating. This went on for months, as we couldn’t find the source. Finally found a pair of my sons dirty football socks stuffed in a seat pocket. !


----------



## JRHill02

Have you ever reached into the cold stove and grabbed a hot cinder? Think its funny? It is and it isn't.

Just a random experience from today....


----------



## RJ2019

Pony said:


> View attachment 116593​


I can relate to this 1000%! I have two carseats in my backseat 🤣


----------



## JRHill02

The DW asks if she should carry some wood back from the pile.

That's funny.


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

*This is THE BEST meme I've seen all week!*









​


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## GTX63




----------



## po boy

GTX63 said:


> View attachment 116618


is there a weight limit? The big guy is holding up the line


----------



## GTX63

po boy said:


> is there a weight limit? The big guy is holding up the line


He probably has a common name.


----------



## Nimrod

A horse, a dog, and a cat all showed up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter was on vacation so they went before God on his throne. God asks the horse why he should get into heaven and the horse said he spent his life helping people, plowing fields and pulling buggys. God said OK you're in. He asks the dog and the dog said he spent his whole life giving happiness to people. OK you're in too. He asks the cat and the cat said "you're sitting in my chair".


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Pony

*I just now noticed that the car is a Mustang/ponycar!*


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## Pony

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 116660
> 
> 
> CLASSIC!


----------



## Danaus29

nehimama said:


> View attachment 116665


And that is why my preferred vehicle is setting in the driveway instead of taking me on adventures. No service needed transmission my A!! !


----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## kinderfeld

When Your Mom Eats Your Brownies!


----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## oregon woodsmok

Pony said:


> View attachment 116655​



So that's where my ex-husband ended up. I think y'all can see why it ended in divorce.

(its the picture of the empty toilet paper roll that some self-indulgent yahoo who thinks his wife is supposedt to clean up after him was too lazy to change out)

Pretty much along the same lines as coming home to find empty ice cube trays in the freezer and no ice.


----------



## Pony




----------



## JRHill02

kinderfeld said:


> View attachment 116669


But they sure taste good and so do the eggs! But I can give you a whole long list of other negatives.


----------



## GTX63

HOMESICK SNOWBIRD!


At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago".

Someone broke all the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read: "Hope this helps"


----------



## GTX63




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

Pony said:


> View attachment 116655​


I MUCH prefer that other folks (including my wife) NOT put toilet paper or paper towels on the holders. That way I don't have to take the roll off and turn it around so it comes off the front side rather than the back side.


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## GTX63




----------



## po boy




----------



## Danaus29

Eagle_and_hawk said:


> View attachment 116686


If that window had lace curtains I would swear it was taken at my grandparents house!


----------



## MO_cows

kinderfeld said:


> View attachment 116669


And they live for years and years!


----------



## JRHill02

po boy said:


> View attachment 116697


Ahh, the white hat inspecting the column. Too bad they didn't inspect it quite as closely when built. I wonder where this was? I wonder what lawyer made a ton of money? I wonder what inspector retired before the failure happened or shortly thereafter? Lastly, I wonder if they fixed this without demolishing the whole bridge - as in was this the only problem support?

I hope it was a foreign country. Though maybe not. This is not humor.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 116711​


That’s so disgusting I’d try it just to say I did


----------



## JRHill02

Oh, the Subaru that got stuck on our trail this AM. They must've had a sat phone. No foot prints up or down and not to our place. But it was a chained tow truck that retrieved it. Oops. That sign that says "Four Wheel Drive Only" must include toy machines with city tires, wouldn't it?


----------



## Redlands Okie

NRA_guy said:


> I MUCH prefer that other folks (including my wife) NOT put toilet paper or paper towels on the holders. That way I don't have to take the roll off and turn it around so it comes off the front side rather than the back side.


Any one with cats probably prefers the paper to roll of the back.


----------



## RJ2019

Redlands Okie said:


> Any one with cats probably prefers the paper to roll of the back.


Or toddlers


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

Redlands Okie said:


> Any one with cats probably prefers the paper to roll of the back.


We have 2 cats, but they are too lazy to bother with toilet paper. Heck, they don't even mess with the Christmas tree.


----------



## genebo

A, U C D LFN?
S, I C D LFN.
L, M N O LFN!
O S M R !


----------



## Danaus29

genebo said:


> A, U C D LFN?
> S, I C D LFN.
> L, M N O LFN!
> O S M R !


Dang! My lips moved when I was reading that one!


----------



## Montanarchist

JRHill02 said:


> Oh, the Subaru that got stuck on our trail this AM. They must've had a sat phone. No foot prints up or down and not to our place. But it was a chained tow truck that retrieved it. Oops. That sign that says "Four Wheel Drive Only" must include toy machines with city tires, wouldn't it?


In the spring frequently there's enough crust on the road to the ghost town to float a car like a Subaru. It's not uncommon for a city slicker to drive up there in the early morning, go exploring, and return to their car sunk to the frame on top of two feet of snow. Opportunities for growth abound in these Rocky Mountains


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Pony

genebo said:


> A, U C D LFN?
> S, I C D LFN.
> L, M N O LFN!
> O S M R !


M R Not


----------



## GTX63




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm

At my local tractor supply....


----------



## nchobbyfarm

The tree is done!


----------



## Hiro




----------



## TxGypsy

po boy said:


> View attachment 116717


There's a slightly reconfigured traffic light off an exit on I-20 just west of Dallas because that happened. Some genius put the no semi's sign down at the bottom of the ramp.....right at the intersection with the too short lights! 
Fortunately I skinned under the overpass to get heading back east


----------



## Pony

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 116742
> 
> View attachment 116743
> 
> 
> At my local tractor supply....


Heck, I'm sitting on a GOLD MINE!!!


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## JRHill02

An adjacent county across the river in Oregon hires a company to take high resolution aerial photography so their assessors won't have to do on site inspections at the cost of over $300,000 over a few years. A head administrator said that the public 'may; have access to the data but they are trying how to recover costs by charging the public for access. The administrator said "This is our data."

This is so funny it makes my teeth hurt.


----------



## 67drake

JRHill02 said:


> An adjacent county across the river in Oregon hires a company to take high resolution aerial photography so their assessors won't have to do on site inspections at the cost of over $300,000 over a few years. A head administrator said that the public 'may; have access to the data but they are trying how to recover costs by charging the public for access. The administrator said "This is our data."
> 
> This is so funny it makes my teeth hurt.


I wonder if you put Astro turf on the roof of your new unpermitted addition, if you’d get away with it. If not, maybe a big middle finger for them to look at.


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## genebo




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## po boy




----------



## NRA_guy

genebo said:


> View attachment 116783


The last equation is ambiguous. Does it mean

hen + (eggs x bananas)?
or
(hen + eggs) x bananas?

Hen = 20
Eggs = 12
Bananas = 6

The first would be 92
The second would be 192

hen + (eggs x bananas) = 20 + (12 x 6) = 92
(hen + eggs) x bananas - (20 + 12) x 6 = 192

I think.

ETA: Oops. I did not notice that the number of eggs and bananas changed in the bottom row. That makes my calculation wrong.


----------



## mreynolds

NRA_guy said:


> The last equation is ambiguous. Does it mean
> 
> hen + (eggs x bananas)?
> or
> (hen + eggs) x bananas?
> 
> Hen = 20
> Eggs = 12
> Bananas = 6
> 
> The first would be 92
> The second would be 192
> 
> hen + (eggs x bananas) = 20 + (12 x 6) = 92
> (hen + eggs) x bananas - (20 + 12) x 6 = 192
> 
> I think.


Looked like a good breakfast to me.


----------



## nchobbyfarm

Pony said:


> Heck, I'm sitting on a GOLD MINE!!!


Yes, but don't forget to heat treat it like theirs....

That has to increase the value!


----------



## po boy

Pon
[QUOTE="nchobbyfarm said:


> Yes, but don't forget to heat treat it like theirs....
> 
> That has to increase the value!


Is it organic?


----------



## 67drake

genebo said:


> View attachment 116783


28


----------



## Danaus29

67drake said:


> 28


You sure? I got 29. 
20+3+6=29


----------



## JRHill02

genebo said:


> View attachment 116783


From all the attempts to solve this please spend a few minutes for a quick review:


https://www.mometrix.com/academy/order-of-operations/https://www.mometrix.com/academy/order-of-operations/



There have been recent threads related to words, sentence structure, punctuation, composition etc. and some of the rules involved. Math is also a language and has its rules so we can all get the same outcome.


----------



## Montanarchist

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 116742
> 
> View attachment 116743
> 
> 
> At my local tractor supply....


I'ma millionaire!


----------



## mreynolds

Danaus29 said:


> You sure? I got 29.
> 20+3+6=29


It's 38

20+3x6=38

It's not a plus sign between the 3 and 6.


----------



## Danaus29

mreynolds said:


> It's 38
> 
> 20+3x6=38
> 
> It's not a plus sign between the 3 and 6.


No, it's 56 then. (I didn't notice the x) You multiply or divide before you add or subtract.

3x6=36+20=56


----------



## mreynolds

Danaus29 said:


> No, it's 56 then. (I didn't notice the x) You multiply or divide before you add or subtract.
> 
> 3x6=36+20=56



3*6=18+20=38


----------



## Danaus29

mreynolds said:


> 3*6=18+20=38


Of course it does, DUH! And I wonder why my check book never adds up.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## 67drake

Danaus29 said:


> Of course it does, DUH! And I wonder why my check book never adds up.


Yeah, I missed the x sign. I added. That’s why my wife does the finances and we have an accountant.


----------



## haypoint

mreynolds said:


> It's 38
> 
> 20+3x6=38
> 
> It's not a plus sign between the 3 and 6.


20 plus 4 times 4 is 96. The trick is that there are 4 eggs and 4 bananas.


----------



## Hiro

40


----------



## 67drake

haypoint said:


> 20 plus 4 times 4 is 96. The trick is that there are 4 eggs and 4 bananas.


That’s what I have, now that I see the multiplication sign.


----------



## Hiro

Close, but don't forget order of operation.


----------



## Hiro

Bad vision./ it is 36


----------



## Hiro

I kept counting 5 bananas multiplied by 4 eggs. It is 4 bananas multiplied by 4 eggs + one 20 point chicken.


----------



## Nimrod

This thread has run so long I can't remember if I put a particular joke on it already so here goes.

Did you hear about the fire at the Governor's mansion in West Virginia? It was a complete conflagration. It's a good thing the fire department got there so quickly. The fire almost took the rest of the trailer park with it.


----------



## NRA_guy

That's kind of like the recent fire they had in Tallulah, Louisiana. The news said that an entire city block of buildings was destroyed. 

My comment was, "Damage is estimated to exceed $100.00."


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy

If she was not stationed at Camp Lejune


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy

20 + 3(6)
23 x 6
138


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## RJ2019

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 116825


I love it when they play this on the radio


----------



## Danaus29

TxGypsy said:


> 20 + 3(6)
> 23 x 6
> 138


Multiply or Divide before you Add or Subtract










 2 + 5 × 3=2 + 15=*17* 







 2 + 5 × 3=7 × 3=21(wrong)






Order of Operations - PEMDAS


Learn how to calculate things in the correct order. Calculate them in the wrong order, and you can get a wrong answer!



www.mathsisfun.com





You have to do the multiplication before the addition.


----------



## haypoint

Danaus29 said:


> Multiply or Divide before you Add or Subtract
> 
> ​
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 2 + 5 × 3=2 + 15=*17*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 2 + 5 × 3=7 × 3=21(wrong)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Order of Operations - PEMDAS
> 
> 
> Learn how to calculate things in the correct order. Calculate them in the wrong order, and you can get a wrong answer!
> 
> 
> 
> www.mathsisfun.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You have to do the multiplication before the addition.


I've seen these "math problems" many times on the internet. I was pretty good at math in High School. But I can't recall any "rule" about doing multiply or divide first. Except when the problem was between ( ). My first thought was "How can a society exist when we can't agree on simple math? Then I realized that in real life, it doesn't matter. If I need 20 bricks here and 5 bricks there and I need that same amount at 3 locations in this town and 2 locations in another town, The answer will always be the same. It's 25 bricks times 5. I do the number of bricks addition, 20 plus 5, first. Then I do the addition, 3 plus 2 locations next. Then I multiply. It is 125 bricks. If I write it 20+5 x 3+2, I do not multiply 5 x 3= 15 then add 20=35, then add 2 and get 37. I guess I'd write it as (20+5) x (3+2)= 125. Multiply is done last.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## sweetbabyjane

If that math problem is an IQ test, we are all over the board here!


SBJ


----------



## 67drake

sweetbabyjane said:


> If that math problem is an IQ test, we are all over the board here!
> 
> 
> SBJ


I took an IQ test on the internet that said I was a genius, so I know my answer is correct.


----------



## nehimama




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## TxGypsy

Danaus29 said:


> Multiply or Divide before you Add or Subtract
> 
> ​
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 2 + 5 × 3=2 + 15=*17*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 2 + 5 × 3=7 × 3=21(wrong)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Order of Operations - PEMDAS
> 
> 
> Learn how to calculate things in the correct order. Calculate them in the wrong order, and you can get a wrong answer!
> 
> 
> 
> www.mathsisfun.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You have to do the multiplication before the addition.


Nuts. You are correct. This will teach me not to do math after midnight on a day when I drove to Dallas and back.
38 🤦🤦🤦


----------



## Danaus29

haypoint said:


> I've seen these "math problems" many times on the internet. I was pretty good at math in High School. But I can't recall any "rule" about doing multiply or divide first. Except when the problem was between ( ). My first thought was "How can a society exist when we can't agree on simple math? Then I realized that in real life, it doesn't matter. If I need 20 bricks here and 5 bricks there and I need that same amount at 3 locations in this town and 2 locations in another town, The answer will always be the same. It's 25 bricks times 5. I do the number of bricks addition, 20 plus 5, first. Then I do the addition, 3 plus 2 locations next. Then I multiply. It is 125 bricks. If I write it 20+5 x 3+2, I do not multiply 5 x 3= 15 then add 20=35, then add 2 and get 37. I guess I'd write it as (20+5) x (3+2)= 125. Multiply is done last.


And you are correct in putting your additions in parenthesis. The part in parenthesis always goes before anything not in parenthesis. 

I haven't used the word parenthesis this many times since my college algebra for dummies courses.


----------



## TxGypsy

Danaus29 said:


> And you are correct in putting your additions in parenthesis. The part in parenthesis always goes before anything not in parenthesis.
> 
> I haven't used the word parenthesis this many times since my college algebra for dummies courses.


I'm a math tutor 🤣🤣🤣


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Hiro

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 116852


I can help work other folks cattle without getting riled up. My own that I have to thump their nose to get them to leave me along fixing a fence post that act like I am trying to skin them alive to go through one gate when working them.....yeah, I am going to eat you.


----------



## 67drake

Pony said:


> View attachment 116840
> ​


I sent that to my wife earlier, and she sent this back to me. Touché


----------



## MO_cows

PSA for the holiday gathering photos.


----------



## MO_cows

Guilty!


----------



## Danaus29

MO_cows said:


> Guilty!
> View attachment 116857


I have done that with text messages more than once.


----------



## NRA_guy

genebo said:


> View attachment 116783


I cannot tell if that is 3 or 4 eggs in the 4th equation. It looks like 4 eggs to me. If so:


----------



## mreynolds

NRA_guy said:


> I cannot tell if that is 3 or 4 eggs in the 4th equation. It looks like 4 eggs to me. If so:
> View attachment 116861


You're right. That is 4 eggs. It would be:
20+(4x6)=44


----------



## NRA_guy

mreynolds said:


> You're right. That is 4 eggs. It would be:
> 20+(4x6)=44


But it's 4 bananas, too:
20+ (4x4) = 36


----------



## mreynolds

NRA_guy said:


> But it's 4 bananas, too:
> 20+ (4x4) = 36


Ah, so it is.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## JRHill02

TxGypsy said:


> Nuts. You are correct. This will teach me not to do math after midnight on a day when I drove to Dallas and back.
> 38 🤦🤦🤦


Yup. When I first saw the post morning coffee water was still heating and I was still foggy and didn't see the 'x'.


----------



## JRHill02

Florida deputy dressed as Grinch gives onions to speeding drivers


Col Lou Caputo says he portrays character to call attention to the need to obey speed limits in school zones




www.theguardian.com





If the deputies would hand out red onions and/or garlic I'd participate gladly.


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

I love Cane Corso dogs...


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## TxGypsy

Pony said:


> I love Cane Corso dogs...
> 
> View attachment 116879


I do too! I had one that was awesome. Lost her in a divorce and then he gave her away 😡


----------



## Pony

TxGypsy said:


> I do too! I had one that was awesome. Lost her in a divorce and then he gave her away 😡


God will get him for that.... 

I'm sorry you lost your great big puppy.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## poppy




----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1603806187312422913


----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## 67drake

poppy said:


> View attachment 116889


I’d send this to my wife, but I always lose when I do that.


----------



## poppy




----------



## RJ2019

Can I get a multi car discount?


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy

This is one of those a little too close for comfort memes 😂😜


----------



## Hiro




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## poppy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Nimrod

I saw an alarming statistic yesterday. It seems 25% of women are being treated for mental illness. That leaves 75% running around untreated.


----------



## 67drake

poppy said:


> View attachment 116957


I apprehensively sent this to my wife. I’ll let you know when I’m allowed back in the house.


----------



## Pony

*Calling pets "Furbabies" is fine, *
*but calling a child a "Skinpuppy" 
is apparently frowned upon,
 and suddenly makes me the *
*worst pediatrician in the hospital... *​


----------



## Pony

*You don't have to say "Oz."*


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## JRHill02

poppy said:


> View attachment 116891


And the classic: If you are allergic to this (whatever) do not take it. I just grit my teeth seeing some of this stuff.


----------



## JRHill02

For the last week I have seen various treats showing up around the main room and kitchen. I thought it was the DW trying to get me to eat more.

Then I saw the dog biscuit she put on the table by my evening chair and was a bit put out.... Ah, no. Its not all about me. Its to catch the sneaky Catahoula.


----------



## JRHill02

JRHill02 said:


> And the classic: If you are allergic to this (whatever) do not take it. I just grit my teeth seeing some of this stuff.


It was obvious. She knows I like my biscuits with Fairlife whole milk, not dry.


----------



## Paumon

This is way too funny to be leaving it posted in the twitter thread.



HDRider said:


> __ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1604041456569782273


.


----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## JRHill02

JRHill02 said:


> It was obvious. She knows I like my biscuits with Fairlife whole milk, not dry.


It is a hoot. The dogs are mostly trustworthy. They will never steal stuff off a counter. But if it by the edge.....

We have a female Catahoula that if you put a hand full of M&Ms in a pile in a pile in the middle of a table. un seen, she will slowly move ONE to the edge of the table, little by little, and it disappears. Its so funny. Hold a M&M to her and she runs behind the chair. The big mean dog that runs off bear and cats. It's a fun game at this point. She knows the game and never trespasses. We could leave anything on the table unmolested but don't put it by the edge. That is the permission.


----------



## po boy




----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1604754668705353728


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## 67drake

Sent to me by a friend, who owns an auto repair shop.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## nehimama




----------



## nehimama




----------



## JRHill02

nehimama said:


> View attachment 117020


Kick back.


----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## 67drake

My daughter just sent me this. She asked if it’s a appropriate Christmas present for a family that sets the bar low.


----------



## Redlands Okie

Hope it came with the salmon in the picture


----------



## 67drake

Redlands Okie said:


> Hope it came with the salmon in the picture


Oh no, I meant she sent me the picture. She was making fun of it being just “decent” and not great!


----------



## Evons hubby

67drake said:


> Oh no, I meant she sent me the picture. She was making fun of it being just “decent” and not great!


Better decent than indecent!


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## Danaus29

Punkneck farmer said:


> Humor is in a homesteading forum who cant keep any new members, and have 2 or 3 dozen who post incessantly about nothing remotely related to actual homesteading or folks trying to do their own thing.
> It's all good, you can continue to talk amongst yourselves and share feelings. Par for the course for the internet.
> Canned goods, cat food, and kitty litter for all!!!!


----------



## poppy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy

Dupe, but what the heck:


----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## po boy




----------



## mreynolds

po boy said:


> View attachment 117070


Joke doesn't fit like it did 20 years ago but here goes. 

A Cajun died and went to hell. The devil came up to him and the Cajun was smiling. The devil says "What are you smiling about. It's hot down here."

Cajun says" Just another day in June down in south Louisiana."

Devil turns the thermostat up. The Cajun is still smiling. 

"Just another day in July down in South Louisiana."

Devil turns it all the way up. People are screaming for mercy. 

Cajun says "just another day in August in South Louisiana."

Devil gets wise. He turns the heat off completely. It's 20 below in hell. There is ice everywhere. "That will get that Cajun once and for all." The devil says. He goes back and the Cajun is laughing uncontrollably. 

The devil says "What are you laughing about. I know you can't handle the cold."

The Cajun says " The Saints just won the Super Bowl "


----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## kinderfeld

A problem only guys will truly understand.


----------



## kinderfeld

How one person ships packages during the holidays.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Danaus29

kinderfeld said:


> A problem only guys will truly understand.
> 
> View attachment 117076


That explains the puddle on the floor.


----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## sweetbabyjane

SBJ


----------



## mreynolds

sweetbabyjane said:


> View attachment 117082
> 
> 
> 
> SBJ



Funny but true. Southerners don't know how to drive.


----------



## NRA_guy

mreynolds said:


> Funny but true. Southerners don't know how to drive.


We drive OK until it snows, or rains, or gets dark, or we've been drinking, or we're on our cell phone, or we encounter a traffic circle (or a stop sign or a signal light).

Yeah, you're right.We get lots of these:


----------



## Pony




----------



## mreynolds

NRA_guy said:


> We drive OK until it snows, or rains, or gets dark, or we've been drinking, or we're on our cell phone, or we encounter a traffic circle (or a stop sign or a signal light).
> 
> Yeah, you're right.We get lots of these:
> View attachment 117084


Yeah I got hit in the back bumper the day before Thanksgiving. Dude was on his phone.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Montanarchist

If there's ever a HT meetup, I'm wearing this and will even bring one for @Paumon too. Even though I tease, it's done with respect since, unlike most of her ilk, she's never pulled the "I don't need facts, I just feel this way" argument and uses rational thought and logic to try to support her wrong ideas


----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy

mreynolds said:


> Yeah I got hit in the back bumper the day before Thanksgiving. Dude was on his phone.


That makes me so mad! Texting at a red light sure. Texting after you take your foot off the brake no.

I do quite a bit of interstate driving. If you see a big rig wobble into the other lane it's about a 100% chance you will see them texting when you pass them. I'm not sure what the penalty is for texting and driving a big rig but it needs to be drastically increased.
I used to drive a rig back in the day and their lethal potential is enormous.


----------



## Hiro




----------



## 67drake

My wife just sent this to me. What’s she saying? This looks like the side of my truck!


----------



## MO_cows




----------



## Hiro

MO_cows said:


> View attachment 117105


I spent all day running around checking waterers, heat tape, dropping off hay hither and yon, freezing my butt off and I just know that I have forgotten something important.

It was bitter sweet trying to save about a 10 x 10 area of our winter garden with a thrown together hoop house. The sweet part was just giving up on most of it and turning out some old ewes to have their way with it.


----------



## po boy




----------



## poppy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## kinderfeld




----------



## mreynolds

TxGypsy said:


> That makes me so mad! Texting at a red light sure. Texting after you take your foot off the brake no.
> 
> I do quite a bit of interstate driving. If you see a big rig wobble into the other lane it's about a 100% chance you will see them texting when you pass them. I'm not sure what the penalty is for texting and driving a big rig but it needs to be drastically increased.
> I used to drive a rig back in the day and their lethal potential is enormous.


I was actually at a red light and the dude still hit me. Took his foot off the brake and tapped me.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## 67drake

po boy said:


> View attachment 117144


As much as I don’t use mine, my wife’s heated steering wheel is the bomb!


----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## GunMonkeyIntl




----------



## NRA_guy

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> View attachment 117169


[/thread]


----------



## poppy




----------



## poppy




----------



## Evons hubby

Not nearly enough!


https://www.homesteadingtoday.com/cdn-cgi/image/format=auto,onerror=redirect,width=1920,height=1920,fit=scale-down/https://www.homesteadingtoday.com/attachments/1a8d30fc-d72b-4e81-8226-622b0a9deaaa-jpeg.117169/


----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## nchobbyfarm




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

*And do the milking while you're at it...*


----------



## GTX63




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## Montanarchist




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Nimrod

nchobbyfarm said:


> View attachment 117188


Do you think the officer will buy this and let you off without a speeding ticket?

The old guy was working on his bucket list. One of the things on his list was that he never owned one of those "70s muscle cars so he found a place that rented them. Got a Super Bee and took her out on the freeway. Pedal to the metal 130 miles per hour when he blew right past a Highway Patrol car. The cop lights it up and catches up after about 5 minutes. The old guy figures he's going to get a ticket no matter what so he keeps going for another 10 minutes until he pulls over. The cop walks up to the window and asks the old guy what he's doing going 130 mph and why he didn't stop right away. The old guy explaines the bucket list thing. The cop says he only has 10 minutes left on his shift and doesn't want to deal with the paperwork so if the old guy can give him an excuse he's never heard before he will let him go. The old guy thinks for a minute then says, "My wife left me a month ago. Ran off with a highway patrol officer and I thought you were trying to bring her back.".


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## poppy




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## TxGypsy




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## TxGypsy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## poppy




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## 67drake

I found these in the break room here at work today. Mmm Mmm, nothing satisfies my sweet tooth like chocolate peanuts from our chemical supplier.


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## NRA_guy

67drake said:


> I found these in the break room here at work today. Mmm Mmm, nothing satisfies my sweet tooth like chocolate peanuts from our chemical supplier.
> View attachment 117260


Check the ingredients. I bet "choco-covered" is not real "chocolate-covered".


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## 67drake

I bet it not. The iridium covered peanuts were gone already, so I had to settle for these.


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## poppy




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## poppy




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## mreynolds

Ummm, no.


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## Hiro

wth?


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## TxGypsy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## po boy




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## po boy

corny


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## 67drake

po boy said:


> View attachment 117298


On my phone, it looked more like a ticking clock


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## JRHill02

https://news.yahoo.com/japanese-man-spent-16k-become-205255206.html


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## 67drake

JRHill02 said:


> https://news.yahoo.com/japanese-man-spent-16k-become-205255206.html


Obviously starving for attention
Years ago people like this would just be shrugged off and be called idiots. Now they get write ups and international attention. We’re supposed to accept their idiocy, otherwise we are labeled. Umm…no


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## Pony

JRHill02 said:


> https://news.yahoo.com/japanese-man-spent-16k-become-205255206.html


I want to know if he lifts to relieve himself, and if he dances on visitors' legs.


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## Danaus29

JRHill02 said:


> https://news.yahoo.com/japanese-man-spent-16k-become-205255206.html


Don't they eat dogs in China?


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## RJ2019

Pony said:


> I want to know if he lifts to relieve himself, and if he dances on visitors' legs.


I was wondering if he licks his genitals, myself


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## TxGypsy




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## poppy




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## poppy




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## poppy




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## poppy




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## 67drake

Moms have it so easy these days 



https://m.facebook.com/watch/?extid=reels&v=836322984227562&paipv=0&eav=AfYPO4CsGZGIX8xPl2Z3zL4aJG3AScchdF89tLnB6BJTvVDcolssw7HIwH2JGiwyJzM&_rdr


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## po boy




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## po boy




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## po boy




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## poppy




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## NRA_guy

po boy said:


> View attachment 117348


OK, I'm slow today. Can somebody give me a hint where that is coming from?


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## Pony

NRA_guy said:


> OK, I'm slow today. Can somebody give me a hint where that is coming from?


Blaming the uninjected for the illness of the injected.


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## Pony




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## Pony




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## Pony




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## NRA_guy




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## NRA_guy

poppy said:


> View attachment 117350


And most of that was the cost of damage to the truck . . .


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## GTX63




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## GTX63




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## Fred Mann

Pony said:


> View attachment 117354​


Anyone have an idea why I can no longer see posts by Pony? They are just blank on my screen (I use the Tapatalk app)


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## poppy




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## poppy

Fred Mann said:


> Anyone have an idea why I can no longer see posts by Pony? They are just blank on my screen (I use the Tapatalk app)


Not sure, but could you have hit the 'ignore' button by mistake? Don't know if that would cause it or not.


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## nchobbyfarm




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## po boy




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## Hiro




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## Fred Mann

poppy said:


> Not sure, but could you have hit the 'ignore' button by mistake? Don't know if that would cause it or not.


Checked, not on ignore, and I followed him too.


----------



## JRHill02

Where did that popcorn go? I saw it.


----------



## Pony

Fred Mann said:


> Anyone have an idea why I can no longer see posts by Pony? They are just blank on my screen (I use the Tapatalk app)


Well, I don't have you blocked, since I've never seen any posts by you, except this one.

Oh. Wait. You only have one post. odd...

I'm not a him, btw. I'm a her.








Hmph.

LOL


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## Pony




----------



## Pony




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## TxGypsy




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## 67drake

My best friend has this sign painted on the front of his garage “Every visitor to our home make us smile. Some when they get here, some when they leave”.


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## JRHill02

She's cute. But she's what my DW would label a trophy. The forearms are like little sticks.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




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## Fred Mann

Pony said:


> Well, I don't have you blocked, since I've never seen any posts by you, except this one.
> 
> Oh. Wait. You only have one post. odd...
> 
> I'm not a him, btw. I'm a her.
> View attachment 117392
> 
> Hmph.
> 
> LOL


 maybe this reply fixed it, as I can now see you posts!


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## po boy




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## JRHill02

Fred Mann said:


> maybe this reply fixed it, as I can now see you posts!


This is weird. Maybe I missed something. Ya all can personal message me any time. Good stuff. But a "thing' with one forum message to Pony? Of course that 'IT' knew Pony was a "She." Y'all need to be careful. Never give your location.


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## Pony

JRHill02 said:


> This is weird. Maybe I missed something. Ya all can personal message me any time. Good stuff. But a "thing' with one forum message to Pony? Of course that 'IT' knew Pony was a "She." Y'all need to be careful. Never give your location.


Yes, I found it odd as well.

And the person has made at least 2 posts of which we know, yet the member info shows just one.

<shrug>


----------



## Pony

JRHill02 said:


> This is weird. Maybe I missed something. Ya all can personal message me any time. Good stuff. But a "thing' with one forum message to Pony? Of course that 'IT' knew Pony was a "She." Y'all need to be careful. Never give your location.


I can't PM you. That function seems to be shut off on your user page.

I could post a public message on your page, but I prefer not to do that.

Thanks for the reminder to not give out locations. When I signed on to HT many year ago, it wasn't unusual for people to say where they were. Now, it's not a good idea. 

It's a particularly bad idea for anyone who thinks they have located our place, and decides to show up unannounced. I thank God we live in Missouri, land of freedom, supportive sheriffs, and Castle Doctrine!


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## JRHill02

Pony said:


> I can't PM you. That function seems to be shut off on your user page.
> 
> I could post a public message on your page, but I prefer not to do that.


Hmm. There are WAY too many options in the Account and Profile section. I didn't see anything related to personnel messages. But there are options clear down to my brother's sisters cousins' notifications.


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## Fred Mann

JRHill02 said:


> This is weird. Maybe I missed something. Ya all can personal message me any time. Good stuff. But a "thing' with one forum message to Pony? Of course that 'IT' knew Pony was a "She." Y'all need to be careful. Never give your location.


Sorry, didn’t mean to scare anyone. I’ve been reading this forum for a couple of years, haven’t felt the need to contribute. I just couldn’t see any posts from the user Pony (don’t really have time to worry about he or she). Just wanted to be able to see the funny stuff they post.


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## Hiro

Fred Mann said:


> Sorry, didn’t mean to scare anyone. I’ve been reading this forum for a couple of years, haven’t felt the need to contribute. I just couldn’t see any posts from the user Pony (don’t really have time to worry about he or she). Just wanted to be able to see the funny stuff they post.


I don't believe you have scared anyone. But, anyone paying attention can county past 1....as in, your post count is still 1.


----------



## poppy




----------



## Nimrod

Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask during the pandemic. Same logic, I do wear underwear.

Stolen from a sign posted on YouTube.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## NRA_guy




----------



## 67drake

NRA_guy said:


> View attachment 117417


I hope Montananarchist sees this


----------



## Eagle_and_hawk




----------



## Danaus29

After breaking several wooden spoons, my aunt switched to Hot Wheels race track sections. That served 2 purposes. The track stung like a ..... (according to my cousins) and the boys stopped leaving the track out when they were done playing with it.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Redlands Okie

Pony said:


> Well, I don't have you blocked, since I've never seen any posts by you, except this one.
> 
> Oh. Wait. You only have one post. odd...
> 
> I'm not a him, btw. I'm a her.
> View attachment 117392
> 
> Hmph.
> 
> LOL


The pic on this post made me smile. Your post often do. Thanks 

I will say about half of your post are blank to me also. I suspect its something in the posting format of pictures. No idea on why exactly.


----------



## Pony

Redlands Okie said:


> The pic on this post made me smile. Your post often do. Thanks
> 
> I will say about half of your post are blank to me also. I suspect its something in the posting format of pictures. No idea on why exactly.


I wonder if it's because I sometimes copy/paste, and other times I do the "drop image" thing.

Hmm...

Experiment time. I'll do both in this post.

First pic is copy/paste, second is drop image.


----------



## TxGypsy

Pony said:


> I wonder if it's because I sometimes copy/paste, and other times I do the "drop image" thing.
> 
> Hmm...
> 
> Experiment time. I'll do both in this post.
> 
> First pic is copy/paste, second is drop image.
> View attachment 117437
> 
> 
> View attachment 117438


I see both 🤷


----------



## RJ2019

Pony said:


> I wonder if it's because I sometimes copy/paste, and other times I do the "drop image" thing.
> 
> Hmm...
> 
> Experiment time. I'll do both in this post.
> 
> First pic is copy/paste, second is drop image.
> View attachment 117437
> 
> 
> View attachment 117438


I see them.


----------



## whiterock

both


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## poppy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Redlands Okie

Pony said:


> I wonder if it's because I sometimes copy/paste, and other times I do the "drop image" thing.
> 
> Hmm...
> 
> Experiment time. I'll do both in this post.
> 
> First pic is copy/paste, second is drop image.
> View attachment 117437
> 
> 
> View attachment 117438


Hmm I can read both


----------



## Fred Mann

Redlands Okie said:


> Hmm I can read both


Me too


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## mreynolds

TxGypsy said:


> View attachment 117488


I resemble that remark.


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## poppy

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


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## Pony




----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## GunMonkeyIntl

Pony said:


> View attachment 117506
> ​


The first of the British royal family that wasn’t inbred into mongoloidity.


----------



## Pony

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> The first of the British royal family that wasn’t inbred into mongoloidity.


I don't really follow them, but dang! It's like you can't escape them at times. 

I am weary of rich people who demand a lot of press and attention saying, "I'm oppressed, I can't stand being in the limelight...."


----------



## TxGypsy

GunMonkeyIntl said:


> The first of the British royal family that wasn’t inbred into mongoloidity.


I think if they'd do a paternity test that the 'problem of Harry' would no longer be a problem 😉


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

​


----------



## Pony

I shall now leave you with this thought, and bid you all a good night.


----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## GTX63




----------



## GTX63




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony




----------



## poppy




----------



## po boy




----------



## po boy




----------



## Pony




----------



## Pony

poppy said:


> View attachment 117540


A neighbor's kid is on his mission right now. Think I'll send this to her. LOL


----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## TxGypsy




----------



## Hiro




----------



## poppy




----------



## Hiro

__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1573336982352236545


----------



## poppy




----------



## NRA_guy

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you bloody idiot!!!!' she exclaimed.

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he will never get it right.


----------



## Pony

poppy said:


> View attachment 117564


Is there a 10mm socket in that mess?


----------



## poppy

Pony said:


> Is there a 10mm socket in that mess?


If there was I couldn't find it. I've got three 5 gallon buckets full of saved bolts and nuts in my garage and I still rarely find what I need. If I do find it, it would have been quicker to go to the hardware store and buy new ones.


----------



## Montanarchist

poppy said:


> If there was I couldn't find it. I've got three 5 gallon buckets full of saved bolts and nuts in my garage and I still rarely find what I need. If I do find it, it would have been quicker to go to the hardware store and buy new ones.


You need to sort the salvaged hardware. I always buy the five gallon buckets of hardware at garage sales after the old guys die. Then on quiet winter evenings I sort them. Is say about 70% of the time I can find the right hardware I need from those buckets.


----------

