# Considering



## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Breaking up with my boyfriend. He is expecting his first grandchild tomorrow and I told him if I was off when the baby came I wanted to go with him. He told me tonight they were going to take the baby at 5:30 in the morning and never invited me to go. It hurt my feelings.

We have had a long on again off again relationship since 1994. The last time we dated before this time was 2001. We have been dating this time for almost 3 years. I have always cared more than he has. We have always been more like friends than lovers. 

I went in to it this time knowing how he is and how it was probably going to be. I have to say it has been a little better this time. He is a gentleman and is never disrespectful. But he is who he is and he is pretty much a loner. It's like he keeps me at arms length. I don't really know why because he knows how I feel about marriage. :umno: 

Any way what I'm getting to is why should he be a priority to me when I'm only an option to him. I'm not getting any younger and I know this is how it's going to be so I need to make a decision. I know he doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are. And I really don't think he would care one way of the other to be honest about it. 

I just don't want to do this any more. I don't want to let go either.

Sorry for the rambling.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

I think we have lived parallel lives....trust me when I say "I get how you feel!" Feeling like you are not important cuts like a knife.
(((hugs)))


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

18 years and y'all ain't sure??


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

I'm sure I'm not a priority.


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2012)

You should be. Something don't make sense. I guess I just don't understand.


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## glazed (Aug 19, 2006)

:donut:

I hear how you feel, and I do understand, but right now the baby and his daughter (having the baby) is the priority.

((( hug )))

:donut:


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## JohnnyLee (Feb 13, 2011)

I usually look at these kinds of things, dealing with friends and think to myself, if this was your daughter or son, what would you tell them?

He's had long enough to do right by you, and if he ain't with the program by now, he never will be.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

tambo said:


> I'm sure I'm not a priority.


Yeah, sometimes it is pretty obvious but yet we stay....I still look back at all those years and wonder what I was thinking (or not thinking!)


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

glazed said:


> :donut:
> 
> I hear how you feel, and I do understand, but right now the baby and his daughter (having the baby) is the priority.
> 
> ...


Glaze I know that. I'm not that shallow. I hurts me he doesn't want me to share the great event with them. And it is his son.

And Zong :umno: I'm not that kinda girl.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Dynamics can be so dang dynamic! I would suppose you know what is right. I am sure it hurts. Maybe don't make any serious decisions or moves while you are feeling the acute pain of being left out of such a momentous occasion.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Tambo, life is too short to waste on someone who will not love you back. We all need to find true love in this life before it ends. I hope you find it.


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## glazed (Aug 19, 2006)

tambo said:


> Glaze I know that. I'm not that shallow. I hurts me he doesn't want me to share the great event with them. And it is his son.


I know you're not shallow. And I know it hurts. I actually hurt for you.

All I am trying to say (and failing miserably) is that right now it is all about the baby, and whoever is having it.

It is very possible the mother, and his son, made the decision on who they want there and who they do not want there ... your man may have nothing to do with that part at all.

On top of the past, though, I certainly can see how the present can sting even more.

:donut:


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

Oh wow girl, my heart goes out to ya, I have been there and done that with my nine year on and off again guy. I wanted more, he didn't want more. WHen he finally decided to want more it was almost to late. We had the whole family thing go as well, his daughter would come down, I wasn't invited, when his ex girlfriend came down and I wasn't invited I knew it was over. When I found out months later they slept together it was over and over meant over. For the first time in nine years I finally have put value on myself, value to not be treated like seconds and dirt, and feel I am much better as a single person then to be in a relationship where I am not treasured. You are such a sweet person and I mean sweet.

You want someone to give you the respect that I believe you deserve for bring such a wonderful person. You need someone who will hold up your value for someone else to see and be proud of you and for getting to be with you. 

Okay, yes his daughter is having a baby and I know that is the priority and I get that and all, but I think the struggle you face is within and long coming, this just kinda brought it to a head. Hard when you get along with the person, but you want to find someone you can get along with and be crazy about and them you .


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

glazed said:


> All I am trying to say (and failing miserably) is that right now it is all about the baby, and whoever is having it.:donut:


You know I love ya, Glazed, but I have to disagree. If she was a priority he would find room in his heart and time in his day for both of them.

Leaving is so much easier said than done, Tambo. I could write the book....


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## Terri in WV (May 10, 2002)

It doesn't sound like he knows that you two are more than friends.


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## glazed (Aug 19, 2006)

:donut:

And I love you, too, Shan.

Disagreeing with someone doesn't bother me a bit, and neither does someone disagreeing with me.

It is ALL good, all GOOD.

((( hugs for everyone )))

:donut:


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Glaze I haven't thought of it that way. That may be it I don't know. Thanks for that perspective.


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## glazed (Aug 19, 2006)

:donut:

I am so relieved to hear you acknowledge what I was trying to say, and to hear I haven't hurt you further!

This particular situation may have nothing to do with "y'all" at all ... all the other stuff, sure, but not this.

Maybe?

:donut:


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

I wouldn't make a big decision based on this incident alone.

If it motivates you to do what you have known for a while then that is
one thing. (this sounds like the situation)

But regarding the birth, it could just be that he worries it would be awkward for 
some reason. It could be someone elses wishes, or he could just be so excited he isn't thinking normally. It really is an "by invitation only" event, so I would respect that.


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

I don't know I'm just really confused. Thanks for the advice.

Nancy you are right and I wouldn't dare go uninvited.
And I wouldn't dare say anything about it right now either.

I'm so thankful for y'all to help me work this out in my head. I still know in my heart what I need to do.


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## Raven12 (Mar 5, 2011)

Here's the Official ST Motto (that keeps popping up): Don't make someone a priority when you are only an option.


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## nancy237 (May 29, 2008)

I haven't read all the posts , but I am assuming you 2 are exclusive.

Dating others is a great way to sort out where things stand.


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## WolfWalksSoftly (Aug 13, 2004)

Sometimes fear of "Change" or ____ will make you want to hold on for dear life.
When the Merry Go Round stops to spin you will get off anyway. So, go ahead
and move on. It sounds like he has spun you enough.


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

tambo said:


> ...Any way what I'm getting to is why should he be a priority to me when I'm only an option to him. I'm not getting any younger and I know this is how it's going to be so I need to make a decision. I know he doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are. And I really don't think he would care one way of the other to be honest about it.
> 
> I just don't want to do this any more. I don't want to let go either.
> 
> Sorry for the rambling.


He is a priority to you because that is the romantic view you have chosen to place in your brain to window dress the picture of the reality he has presented and you apparently conveyed that you are willing to accept.

Its sort of like a woman telling a guy that she can happily live within his earth tone environment just as long as he is there to be beside her but then within a year or so she has girlyfied nested 90% of the house. 

In your case you have most likely mentally girlyfied nested a reality that hasn't changed much in which case you either need to clear your mind of what doesn't exist and accept the reality that is, discuss with him the changes you mentally have and hope he accepts them, or cut your losses and move on with your life.

One .two or three. Choose an option and live with it.


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

The one who loves/needs the most gets hurt the most! I'm SO sorry you're dealing with this, Tam. (((Hugs)))


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

I'm going to try a different perspective here. Obviously I do not know you tambo or the boyfriend but looking at this from an outsider perspective, we are seeing only a snapshot and one side of this situation. I'm not going to make some proclamation here as to what is right or wrong or whatever, just offering some words for thought.

I'm also assuming there are no other major relationship malfunctions like cheating or large things like that. What I get from your posts is that you do not feel how you think you should feel or how you want to feel emotionally and that you don't think he's got or showing a lot or the appropriate amount of caring/emotions that you'd expect or want to see.

Here's the thing. Men and women really do handle emotions differently. He may see nothing wrong because there may not actually be anything wrong. You may think something is wrong because you don't see what you think you should. Men aren't women, they don't process nor show emotions the same way. Every individual is different, of course, we observe other relationships and think "why doesn't my guy do that?" are we sure that your friend's guy does what he does because he emotionally feels it or simply because he's the kind of guy that can pick up on what he SHOULD say/do rather than just do/say what he actually feels? There are two sides to every coin.

I'm taking a couple year's off from it but in the past I have guided many people through Hermetic Alchemy...well counseled them anyway. It's a particular spiritual mindset/set of belief's that can be difficult to grasp, course there is more to it but it doesn't apply here. The reason I bring this up is because in helping those people I teach them to look at themselves, those around them and their life more objectively. To see what is actually there, not what isn't. As humans, we are continually making things up, because we compare everything that happens to us and everything we observe through a personal lens. We get wrapped up and even self absorbed in our own stuff, our own feelings, beliefs, etc. that we become blind to what is really going on. And sometimes imaginations run wild. It's like thinking someone is trying to get into your window in the middle of the night and freaking out before realizing it's because a breeze is brushing a tree branch up against the window.

In my line of spiritual work (if we want to call it that), there are a lot of things going on and you can read of one person's account of one thing or another, how it happened, how they felt, what happened after that. Similar to reading women's magazines and reading people's accounts of their great or not so great relationships. The VERY TRAGIC part about reading about other people's experiences is people apply too much to themselves instead of seeing it as an outsider. We (humans) start putting blinders on and evaluating our lives and relationships as compared to others'. It's much better to not do that. Again in my line of spiritual work I've seen people truly take a bump in the night after a meditation session and have it turn into a visit from an angel, when really the dog rolled over and bumped the coffee table. This very imaginative leap is common.

This happens all the time. One of the worst things (in my opinion) for a person to do is to ignore their own personal experience and base what is happening with them on someone else's account.

So Tambo, what I would suggest for you is to look at yourself as objectively as you can. Then look at him and his actions over the years as objectively as you can, look at him as an individual, not as compared to another man NOR to yourself. Look at him as him, a whole being...not that he does this or doesn't do this other thing as compared to what you would do or how you would want or expect him to do. Try to separate his actions from his words. People reveal everything that they are feeling at that moment with their actions first then their words. This is another reason why people say they get mixed signals. People say one thing but their body says another. Subconsciously speaking read the body first no matter what the words are saying and use the words as a supplement to the action. If you don't follow that and want to know more, I'll find a better way to explain it.

You said yourself he sees no problem. In my mind, for you to figure out whether there really is a problem, you would need to do this work of exploration and look at HIM and YOURSELF and then your relationship over the years in action, as OBJECTIVELY as possible. Strip out emotion and how things made you feel for this examination...just look at actions themselves. Look at the experience as the experience, the events as the events...not as events that triggered certain emotions. 

THIS is where you will get your complete answer....and yes it sounds like a lot of hoogie-boogie and crap to go through but I can tell you one thing for certain. If you can accomplish this you WILL get a definite answer and, the process WILL be difficult and emotional, but I can also assure you that no matter the outcome of this examination, by the time it is truly done, you WILL be at peace with the answer no matter what it is.

And that is what, at the end of the day, we all strive for...peace.

Did you ever ask your boyfriend about not being explicitly invited? Did he really not invite you or just assume that you know/knew you were going? Did the mother only want certain people there? Do you guys talk?


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## homefire2007 (Sep 21, 2007)

Tambo, I really wouldn't take not being explicitly invited to the birth of the baby to heart. This is not the benchmark test of the state of the relationship. It goes far deeper than that. And far longer. It doesn't sound like he sees a problem with things as they are. You need to give yourself the importance you deserve. You have outgrown this relationship, it's not working anymore. It doesn't sound like he has changed in any significant way. He is not right or wrong, he is just who he is. It is darn hard, I know. It boils down to two choices: you can stay or you can leave. If you stay and settle for this when it isn't making you happy, the pain will only build. If you leave this relationship, there will be stick in your heart pain for a short while, then freedom when you realize your true worth. It isn't an easy decision. Big hugs sent your way. I know this has got to be so hard for you.


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## CountryWannabe (May 31, 2004)

When my DIL had her baby visitors were restricted for the first 24 hours to my son, her parents and myself and DH. This is so the new momma can get a little rest and start getting to know the baby before the hordes of well-wishers arrive 

Mary


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Well I talked to him. He said it was because he didn't think I would want to sit at the hospital all day.


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## cindilu (Jan 27, 2008)

tambo said:


> Well I talked to him. He said it was because he didn't think I would want to sit at the hospital all day.


At least you talked and questioned him, so how does that make you feel?


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Pretty bad. Confused wondering if I'm over reacting.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

I don't know that you need to be hard on yourself, Tambo. There don't seem to be a lot of people in this world that can separate theirselves from another person long enough to look at them distinctfully. What I mean is, I think it is common to evaluate as you did, in a way, because of the way we (humans) have been indoctrinated to think. And how we are taught is that if something has us feeling badly, then it must be bad. The problem with this is we confuse how we feel with something coming from the outside when it actually comes from the inside. 

If you haven't considered my last post, I wish you would. As I said before, whether or not the outcome changes, it is still a good thing to do for yourself and your relationship, if you can do it. I say all my words here from a place of practice as well, it is something I learned in my personal spiritual practice to understand everything, firstly myself and my interactions with people. It really does go a long way for a peacefulness inside, which of course, is not ever perfect.

There is a Hellenistic philosophy that includes the following that may help if you want it:

Those who practiced stoicism believed that knowledge of everything could be attained by the use of reason and that truth can be distinguished from fallacy even if only a guess can be made. They held that the senses constantly received sensations from everything (plants, animals, people, objects), whether or not they were consciously aware of them. And where these sensations were felt, they left an impression in the imagination.

They also held that your mind has the ability to judge (judge in this sense being to accept or reject) each impression, enabling it (the mind) to figure out what is a true representation of reality from one that is imagined. Although, it is up to a person to be discerning in considering these impressions and sometimes a collective judgement or assessment of groups of impressions are to be weighted against each other.

What this essentially says is that humans are made to fool ourselves, getting wrapped up in our impressions of things when we weigh them (the impressions) against something that is not comparable. In essence make sure you are comparing oranges to oranges and not to an apple.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

IMO, dont hit me. You are overreacting, or there is something deeper you are feeling about your relationship and using this as an excuss to end it.


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## Guest (Jun 18, 2012)

Some people think a relationship should be 2 people living separate lives, very little interaction. Therefore "you and me" Some other people think 2 people should "combine" into "us" and make decisions and do things together. Oddly enough, seems like some people want their space, and want to control your space too.


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## Judy in IN (Nov 28, 2003)

Let's see....you TOLD him that you wanted to be there for the big event. Now he tells you that he didn't think you'd like to sit at the hospital, even though you told him you wanted to be there.

Sounds like an excuse to me, and a lame one at that.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Judy in IN said:


> Let's see....you TOLD him that you wanted to be there for the big event. Now he tells you that *he didn't think you'd like to sit at the hospital*, even though you told him you wanted to be there.
> 
> Sounds like an excuse to me, and a lame one at that.


Sounds to me like he was trying to be considerate. Not realizing this may be a big event for her too. Maybe you should relay that to him that it means a lot for you to be there.


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## goatlady (May 31, 2002)

Sounds to me like HE decided what was "best" for you, gal. Regardless of what you had stated. Are you comfortable with him making choices for you and basically controlling your relationship?


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## Vickie44 (Jul 27, 2010)

Its his family though , maybe he wanted to participate with out worrying about the well being of someone else , for the most part a guest . I wouldnt read to much into it unless other things that make you feel excluded are happening


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## Sourdough (Dec 28, 2011)

Do you know what would be a truly great invention: Create a forum where people by there own admission have non-functional love relationships, give advise to others with dysfunctional love relationships. Bring the heat.


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## Guest (Jun 18, 2012)

Who knows the more about pain, the dentist, or the person with the abscessed tooth?


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## WolfWalksSoftly (Aug 13, 2004)

There are other reasons besides the ones mentioned for you to consider going the Solo Route. So..go ahead and go the Solo Route.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

I'd say the person with the abscessed tooth knows how it hurts. That's why he goes to the dentist, because the dentist knows how to remedy those things.


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## Judy in IN (Nov 28, 2003)

Sourdough said:


> Do you know what would be a truly great invention: Create a forum where people by there own admission have non-functional love relationships, give advise to others with dysfunctional love relationships. Bring the heat.


Sourdough, I am happily married to a wonderful man, but I've also spent time with someone who was, lets just say, much less than wonderful. 

So I guess you were referring to yourself?


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## tambo (Mar 28, 2003)

Well I was making a post explaining everything and it just disappered so I'm thinking it was TMI.

Yes Fowler I think I did overreact but he doesn't know anything about it.

The jest of it is I don't know why I got so upset over this. It kinda worries me because I haven't been that side ways in a long time. I ask him why and told him how it made me feel. He said he was sorry. I really would've liked to see him hold his first grand baby for the first time. Men don't think about stuff like that. He is just a man and he is not into that lovey dovey stuff. I am just one of those girls that need the lovey dovey stuff.

Cindilu is right it isn't just this one incident that makes me consider getting out of it. 

Thanks for all the input.


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## Sourdough (Dec 28, 2011)

Judy in IN said:


> Sourdough, I am happily married to a wonderful man, but I've also spent time with someone who was, lets just say, much less than wonderful.
> 
> So I guess you were referring to yourself?


SO, you are admitting that you are 50% wrong in choosing relationships, with those credentials I hope you don't charge much for relationship counseling.


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## Judy in IN (Nov 28, 2003)

ROFL!

What I'm saying is that there's a WORLD of difference between a man who is only using you, and one where he actually loves you. 

I've experienced both, and I've learned from my mistakes.

Some people live and learn; others just live.

If you expect me to say I'm perfect, I guess you'll have to pick a fight somewhere else.:grin:


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## mountainwmn (Sep 11, 2009)

I'm just chiming in to agree that it sounds like there are deeper issues and this is just pushing you over the edge. 
Some people can be happy with themselves and happy in a relationship that isn't super close. Other people need the other half to feel whole. You gotta do what works for you.
But then again....I give loads of super relationship advice all the time. I don't actually follow any of it myself.


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