# It's Not You - It's Me



## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

I think? I tried, I really did. 

I have been seeing a fella for over 3 months. Right away we hit it off, we had so much fun together, seemed like I found someone that I really could relate with and had so much in common. The first month was full of new places, motorcycle rides, meeting all of his friends, exciting times. He would text me constantly with the most awesome messages, making me feel like I was so special. 

We live two hours apart. After the first few weeks, I ended up doing the driving to his place on the weekends. Everything seemed to be going good, but I noticed a drop in text messages and his show of affection began to slack off. But he kept saying how much he loved me and wanted me to move in with him. 

He has a beautiful place, three ponds, pastures, a nice home, etc. He kept saying that he never wanted to share the same zip code with another woman after his ex, until me. 

I continued the drive down every weekend. He became less and less attentive to me. I would pull up after a two hour drive and he wouldn't even kiss me, let alone give me much of an acknowledgement. He was tired from working and just wanted to go in and watch T.V. Then, he began to talk to me like I was one of his children. Barking at me like he does to his son, telling me what to do, quick to be snappy about things. 

My kids really like him, and in his defense, he is a good person, helped me out when I had an eye injury, etc. But, still, I began to feel uncomfortable around him, and he began to talk about future plans. Planting gardens, livestock, (even though he really didn't want to) but he would do it for me. 

Two weeks ago, I called him on some things that were concerning to me. He immediately tried to overcompensate and ever since has done a 180. THAT has me more concerned than anything now. 

I told him last night that I am going to concentrate back on my goals and he became defensive. He thought I was going to move down there and do all of these things we had planned, now everything has changed. I told him, I am the only one sacrificing and taking risks, if I were to move down there, he still has a home, his belongings intact and what will I have if things don't work out? 

Now he is being even more attentive, I call it being scared. After the first few times he started using a derogatory tone with me and barking orders, I can't let it slide. Those raised the red flags and they wont go away, no matter how hard I have tried. 

Even though I know in my heart this isn't right, I have a little voice bringing up all of my faults and fears and am questioning myself if I am doing my usual "flight" after what seems to be that old proverbial 3 month curse.....or, maybe I am just made to be alone and independent. I really wish I had the answer.


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

Listen to your gut. Maybe get to know him better without moving in etc. Maintain the two places. True character will come out in time. If the red flags are showing pay attention, it doesn't sound like it's just you to protect. You kids are needing you to pay attention too. Good luck.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Well, DUH! You already KNOW the answer, now quit telling yourself you don't know what you're talking about!

Mon


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

no way I would give anything up for a man,got the t shirt already 
listen to your gut its always right, and let him come to you, if he doesn't then it you are not that important to him and 3 months is nothing in the time it takes to really know someone


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## TxGypsy (Nov 23, 2006)

The title of this thread is telling. As far as I can tell, generally it is accurate....it is them not you. Ran into that with the last one. It was totally his problem. He did a 180 on me as well. We are merrily skipping down the yellow brick road and then suddenly he is running the other way and I'm going 'hey! What just happened?!' 

If he is 'barking' at you or any children(his or yours)....don't walk away....run!

I was plumb goofy head over heals for the guy that did a 180 on me. Probably one of the biggest blessings I've received is him telling me that is 'wasn't me, it was him'....because it definitely was a problem with him.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

I can see those things happening with non farm folks. Its hard for me to see it in a commitment that 2 people are already doing, and using that level field to try to patch it together with love and affection. I would think that after 3 mos, either he is sold on the physical aspect, and has been mining your thoughts as to living together, farming/gardening/homesteading together, and trying to fathom the future TOGETHER, doing the H/G/F thing with all that a person s has to cope with to do so.
I suppose it is an age thing with me that, after I have satisfied the physical, then its time to get into harness and pull together towards the life we both have chosen, together. Doing so, would create the adversity of everything that plagues a couple F/G/H, and we would have to have each others backs to succeed in doing it, and NOT have time for pettiness or small slights or irritations. I would imagine that after a year, those would be forgotten, remeded, or tolerated for the main goals sake.


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

I agree, if he's barking, get out and don't look back.

As much as you may like him, or like not being alone, you cant fix whatevers going on inside him. And whatever it is, if hes barking at you, it has the potential to get really weird really fast.

In this case, distance in your friend. You can do better.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Run..

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Symptoms of a Sociopath

The Effects of Gaslighting


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

You had a good run but if he's not going to treat you with respect and courtesy now, it's not going to get better in 6 month or a year. 

Being lonely in a relationship or being verbally abused are far worse than being alone and being in a nasty relationship makes it a lot harder to find someone who lives and respects you. 

Retreat, take some time to nurture yourself and move on.


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## reneedarley (Jun 11, 2014)

RubyRed said:


> Barking at me like he does to his son, telling me what to do, quick to be snappy about things.


 Barking at his son!!!! Run and do not look back


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## sidepasser (May 10, 2002)

I suggest not going there and putting more time into a relationship that has huge red flags. "barking at his son" is a red flag to me, but also in such a short amount of time he is "barking at you" too? I would definitely let this one go as my mom said: "What you see in the beginning is the BEST that it will be." 3 months is nothing...If this is the best, I would worry about a year from now.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

My sister was engaged once to a man who had been married before. He had said that he had been married once before. Well my sister had been married once before so that did not bother her!

Then she found out that he had been married three times before, not once before, and he refused to talk about it. The engagement continued for a while but she eventually broke up because she never could figure out who he was and just what she was getting into if she married him. We were kind of relieved because we were wondering what he was hiding! She eventually married somebody else and they have been very happy.

The point I am trying to make is that I would not rush into things. Take your time and check out ALL of the red flags. I would not move 2 hours away unless I was darned sure of what I was getting! Sine he first acts one way and then another, I would do a background check on the gent to see if there is anything you do not know about. Have you met his family? Is there any way that you can talk to his ex to find out more about him? Remembering, of course, that she does not LIKE him any longer!

A guy will generally put his best foot forward when he is dating, and sometimes it matters and sometimes it does not. A true story, here. When I was 18 I did not know how to dance and so my boyfriend taught me, and we did go to dances. After I married him 2 years later we never went dancing again because he hated dancing! When I asked him then why he taught me to dance and took me to them he said that girls like dancing and he was courting me! 

Sometimes guys do things JUST to impress a girl. Sometimes it is harmless but sometimes it is not! Since your sweetie's behavior is flip-flopping, I would want to know more about him if I were you.It might be harmless, like lying about wanting to go dancing but it might not be.

My own DH barks when he is upset but ONLY when he is upset, which does not occur very often. When your BF was barking at you and the kids, was it right after he discovered the basement was flooded or was it because the kids were talking when they should be doing the dishes? Nobody is perfect, but I would not want to live with somebody with a hair-trigger temper, or someone who was a chronic yeller!


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

My dad did that stuff with my mom. He seemed always on the defensive, and being 10yrs younger, maybe he felt that he seemed weak to her, and tried to compensate by being a jackass. I did that in my first marriage. When it was over, and I had time to try to see what went wrong, and what was wrong with me, I realized there were better ways of handling situations. ESPECIALLY, as all my wives were between 1 to 10 yrs younger than me. A man chewing a woman out constantly, is a weak man, and a stupid one.


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

Not sure about weak and stupid, Bill. But something happened to make that behavior a regular feature of his life. He's displaying a habit, that will always be there. Hitching up with a man with the idea he can be learned better is not a good idea. Three months isn't long enough to know someone. Making a decision based on that is not even a crap shoot with the change in his behavior. It reads like a "What do I have to do to seal the deal?" on his part. Being nice and appreciative shouldn't be optional in a relationship. Sounds like it is for him.


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

I *am* so sorry you've got this to deal with. How disappointing! You've gotten some good advice from our wise friends here. Please take care!


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

FarmboyBill said:


> My dad did that stuff with my mom. He seemed always on the defensive, and being 10yrs younger, maybe he felt that he seemed weak to her, and tried to compensate by being a jackass. I did that in my first marriage. When it was over, and I had time to try to see what went wrong, and what was wrong with me, I realized there were better ways of handling situations. ESPECIALLY, as all my wives were between 1 to 10 yrs younger than me. A man chewing a woman out constantly, is a weak man, and a stupid one.


This is one of those very few times that I agree with you 100%.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

IF I were in my 40s/50s, I might look to find someone on here that seemed to be somewhat in sync with me. I might either pm her telling her that, OR pm her about something I had noticed she was interested in, and ask/talk to her about it, with questions, ect. IF she seemed interested, I would continue the conversation for a month say. Then I would suggest that if she were interested also, that we agree to pm each other EACH DAY, about something of our day. Nothing major especially, and nothing minor necessarily. Just something that we had done, or that we had a question about doing and wanted to know the others openion. We would send pics of ourselves, and of the things on the place, and talk about our individual places, if we both had them. We would do this for a year. AT THAT TIME, we would decide which place would be the best for the other to move to. UNTIL that year ended we would NOT physically see each other.
Saying the last, I would assume that IF we both continued in pms each day, then by years end we would be hopelessly in love, OR we would have broke it off anywhere between one and 6 mos. I would make it realized and agreed to, that if either of us pushed for an earlier settlement than a year, the other would break it off as seeing the rush as a red pair of long johns, lol.

I AM NOT IN MY 50S, SO THIS D O E S N O T APPLY TO ME.


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## Jim-mi (May 15, 2002)

Another way to look at it . . . . You and he have worked thru the wonderful whip-cream topping----------in just three months---------Now your seeing that the cake under the whip-cream is pretty moldy.........
That mold will only increase with time.......
You don't need to run away . . . Just take a very deep breath and resolutely walk away.

And if your any where in the vicinity, I'll buy ya a cup of coffee........


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Men don't bark, dogs do that.

Men don't do 180's unless we are skiing, immature guys do that.

Men don't over compensate, we explain why we are treating you to a spa day.

Men don't text less as time goes on, we text more cause we are busy arranging more stuff to do and share our lives more each day with you.

Men don't play games with women's hearts. Boys play that game. He had you completely, when he no longer had to chase he became uninterested until you reacted and put up emotional boundaries, now he wants to chase again. Typical chase and catch games with an immature man. 

Put on your Red shoes and Run Ruby run!!! 

Its not you, its him....... be thankful he showed himself this soon. You could have invested much more before you realized it. Also, don't crawl back into your shell either, you are meant to be with someone special. I can say that, I know that, deep down so do you.


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## TxGypsy (Nov 23, 2006)

FarmboyBill said:


> IF I were in my 40s/50s, I might look to find someone on here that seemed to be somewhat in sync with me. I might either pm her telling her that, OR pm her about something I had noticed she was interested in, and ask/talk to her about it, with questions, ect. IF she seemed interested, I would continue the conversation for a month say. Then I would suggest that if she were interested also, that we agree to pm each other EACH DAY, about something of our day. Nothing major especially, and nothing minor necessarily. Just something that we had done, or that we had a question about doing and wanted to know the others openion. We would send pics of ourselves, and of the things on the place, and talk about our individual places, if we both had them. We would do this for a year. AT THAT TIME, we would decide which place would be the best for the other to move to. UNTIL that year ended we would NOT physically see each other.
> Saying the last, I would assume that IF we both continued in pms each day, then by years end we would be hopelessly in love, OR we would have broke it off anywhere between one and 6 mos. I would make it realized and agreed to, that if either of us pushed for an earlier settlement than a year, the other would break it off as seeing the rush as a red pair of long johns, lol.
> 
> I AM NOT IN MY 50S, SO THIS D O E S N O T APPLY TO ME.


I got old just reading this. Sometimes a week is a long time for me. :hysterical:


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Its [tough] getting old.


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## Darren (May 10, 2002)

I know what you mean. Met someone online. Went from mild to "where have you been all my life" in two shakes of a dog's tail. Both of us backed off for sanity's sake. Two days would be a long time. A week would be infinity.


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## TxGypsy (Nov 23, 2006)

Where I'm at currently doesn't have cell phone signal, so my friend and I can't talk all day long like we normally do. We are both having withdrawals!

We're kind of in the same place you are Darren. Connected very strongly very quickly.


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks guys, and girls....I knew I could get sound advice from you all!! 

My gut has been warning me, but my head kept saying, don't be so picky and critical....not everyone is perfect and God knows, my track record at relationships have not been the best. I want to be fair minded, but not settle or make do, especially getting myself into a situation that will not only be a financial commitment, but be unhappy and stuck in an emotional commitment down the road. 

Again, thank you so much, I knew the answer deep in my heart, but seeing how others feel about it, brings more clarity to me. 

And Michael, thank you dear friend....

Now comes the time to have the "talk" with him......


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

My track record was lousy, so I stopped running at the last station lol


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## Guest (Aug 15, 2014)

A few pennies worth of my own opinion...

ANY romantic relationship will ebb somewhere within 8-12 weeks..the infatuation wears off..(thank God)...if it didn't nothing would ever get done..LOL...so when the "ga ga " stage is over , some folks panic..where did the romance go? and OMG, I can see weaknesses....arggghsgggh.

The weaknesses now seen, multiply by 1000 over time, so make certain you can ignore/tolerate them now because they aren't ever changing for the better..LOL..if he is rude, he'll stay that way...if she is a slob, she'll stay that way...

That's part of the dating culling process..LOL..Until you can clearly see the flaws in someone, and they see yours, and you decide to accept them 100%, nothing deeper can truly evolve


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

Couldn't have said it better Lesley.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

Next time, slow down ... 3 months is way too soon to be planning a life with someone! In 3 months, you're just getting to know one another ... geez. :teehee:


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

willow_girl said:


> In 3 months, you're just getting to know one another ... geez. :teehee:


Says someone who has been married how many times....??? I say this with a smirk, all in fun willow. I enjoy reading your posts and have for a very long time. Not to mention, you have very good advice. 

I got caught up in a scenario, more so. All I desire is to have my homestead and be around family. He had the place, at least for the animal part. Kinda like the carrot in front of the nose? lol 

My biggest lesson I take away from is I went off track with my goals and plans. I know life has a way of diverting our plans, but I would have been better off financially by working more hours instead of driving down there every weekend and going places that I normally would not go to. And that I am very upset with myself.


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

bostonlesley said:


> A few pennies worth of my own opinion...
> 
> ANY romantic relationship will ebb somewhere within 8-12 weeks..the infatuation wears off..(thank God)...if it didn't nothing would ever get done..LOL...so when the "ga ga " stage is over , some folks panic..where did the romance go? and OMG, I can see weaknesses....arggghsgggh.
> 
> ...


Once again, stellar advice!!!!


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

RubyRed said:


> My biggest lesson I take away from is I went off track with my goals and plans. I know life has a way of diverting our plans, but I would have been better off financially by working more hours instead of driving down there every weekend and going places that I normally would not go to. And that I am very upset with myself.


Why be upset? You are a person with hopes and dreams and feelings! 

You liked him. As it turned out he is apparently not worthy of you, but how could you know unless you took the time to find out? The journey is every bit as important as the destination!


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

Thank you Terri....


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## homebody (Jan 24, 2005)

Also be grateful that it only took 3 months. Takes some of us longer than that, esp. when we don't want to see anything. Eventually have to face reality, bddt, wasted 3 years before I accepted the fact that he was an alcoholic and wanted a barfly that wouldn't fuss about the drinking. lol so we parted company and he quickly found what he really wanted.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Ruby its good that you went places you normally would not go. Look at it like this, when you are on your death bed you will not wish that you worked more. Most folks will wish they had traveled more, seen more, had not been so afraid of failing so that they took the chance to do something important to them. :umno:

Its good you took a chance, and look how you handled your situation! You had fun until it was time to go. That's how we find one of the good men or women. We take a chance, and pay attention to how things unfold, you did just that! You learned stuff, you had some fun, went places, rode motorcycles, met people... you did exactly what your suppose to do. Plus, you identified when it was time to move on and you moved on.:hobbyhors

I believe you won one here in my eyes!:nanner:


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

homebody said:


> Also be grateful that it only took 3 months. Takes some of us longer than that, esp. when we don't want to see anything. Eventually have to face reality, bddt, wasted 3 years before I accepted the fact that he was an alcoholic and wanted a barfly that wouldn't fuss about the drinking. lol so we parted company and he quickly found what he really wanted.


I am so sorry Homebody.


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

doingitmyself said:


> Ruby its good that you went places you normally would not go. Look at it like this, when you are on your death bed you will not wish that you worked more. Most folks will wish they had traveled more, seen more, had not been so afraid of failing so that they took the chance to do something important to them. :umno:
> 
> Its good you took a chance, and look how you handled your situation! You had fun until it was time to go. That's how we find one of the good men or women. We take a chance, and pay attention to how things unfold, you did just that! You learned stuff, you had some fun, went places, rode motorcycles, met people... you did exactly what your suppose to do. Plus, you identified when it was time to move on and you moved on.:hobbyhors
> 
> I believe you won one here in my eyes!:nanner:


I get what you are saying and it helps a lot reading your words, thank you! I am still gonna kick my rump for not staying true to me, it'll be a healthy reminder for down the road.


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## Guest (Aug 16, 2014)

Hey c'mon..please don't beat yourself up for being human...everyone wants what makes them feel "complete"..some find it being single..some find it in dating but at arms length...some find it in FWB's..some find it in marriage..your adventure doesn't end if you stumble along the way of finding what makes you feel "complete"..enjoy..learn..relax..hug yourself..hug everyone..LOL..((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) there ya go


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

bostonlesley said:


> Hey c'mon..please don't beat yourself up for being human...everyone wants what makes them feel "complete"..some find it being single..some find it in dating but at arms length...some find it in FWB's..some find it in marriage..your adventure doesn't end if you stumble along the way of finding what makes you feel "complete"..enjoy..learn..relax..hug yourself..hug everyone..LOL..((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) there ya go


Awww.....Lesley, thank you!! You are such a gem!!! Right back atcha!! ((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

RubyRed said:


> I get what you are saying and it helps a lot reading your words, thank you! I am still gonna kick my rump for not staying true to me, it'll be a healthy reminder for down the road.


Keep in mind that there is a good many adventures down the road for you! My GF would remind you if she were here that men are like buses. If you miss one, another will be coming along before you know it!


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

Ardie/WI said:


> Keep in mind that there is a good many adventures down the road for you! My GF would remind you if she were here that men are like buses. If you miss one, another will be coming along before you know it!


Funny to read this, just today my best friend said, NEXT!! LOL But honestly, it's not that I am looking for someone, quite the opposite. I don't trust easily and it has been two years since my last serious relationship. This is why I was questioning myself so much. 

I am very comfortable in being alone. Not sure if this should be my own red flag.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> Says someone who has been married how many times....??? I say this with a smirk, all in fun willow. I enjoy reading your posts and have for a very long time. Not to mention, you have very good advice.


I could have avoided at least a few marriages if I'd taken my own advice here. :teehee:

See, when you date someone casually, or get to know them as a nonromantic friend, you're open-minded, you're looking at them objectively, and you're more likely to see any red flags that might exist. 

Once you decide someone is "THE ONE," it sorta blinds you to reality. There is a tendency to see only the things that reinforce your decision. You now have a dog in the fight, so to speak.

Sometimes this is a result of deciding to sleep with someone. I think men are especially prone to this mistake -- they don't want to give up the effortless sex, so they gloss over any difficulties in the relationship until the thing eventually blows up in their face.


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## billooo2 (Nov 23, 2004)

willow_girl said:


> I could have avoided at least a few marriages if I'd taken my own advice here. :teehee:
> 
> See, when you date someone casually, or get to know them as a nonromantic friend, you're open-minded, you're looking at them objectively, and you're more likely to see any red flags that might exist.
> or e ignore
> ...


This seems to be the inherent challenge in dating/courting...........that old saying is true..."Love is blind." The more emotionally we get involved, the worse our objectivity becomes........and we don't see, or we ignore potential pitfalls.


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## hawgsquatch (May 11, 2014)

I said these exact words a few times when I started dating, WAY too early after my breakup. It was true. The girls were very nice. The problem was I didn't like myself, so I could not envision them liking me either. It took a few years off before I could forgive myself for my part in a failed marriage and accept affection from someone else. It's not always and excuse or a scam, sometimes it is the truth. Now I like myself so much I don't know if I want to share me. I think this will help me guard against shallow relationships in the future, and help me hold out for "The one."


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

I have never experienced "effortless sex" is that a real thing or are you jacking with us? Personally i don't believe that it exists, I believe in bigfoot more than the existence of "effortless sex".


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

doingitmyself said:


> *I have never experienced "effortless sex"* is that a real thing or are you jacking with us? Personally i don't believe that it exists, I believe in bigfoot more than the existence of "effortless sex".


I'm sure it's just happenstance that a connection could be made between the bolded and your user name, DIM. It's just _got_ to be one of those unusual coincideye. Right?........... Right? Uh huh, that's gotta be it. 

Oh well, I _am_ sure I don't really want to know anyway, LOLOL. It's probably just the mind altering substances they gave me after my surgery yesterday. Weird though. Awfully coincidental. Almost like, in a transcendental -all the universe is connected- kinda way. :gaptooth: 

Coincideye (?) :hrm: Yup, gotta be the drugs. LOL

But, just in case there _is_ something to it, you could always try... Well... never mind.


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## Guest (Aug 20, 2014)

doingitmyself said:


> I have never experienced "effortless sex" is that a real thing or are you jacking with us? Personally i don't believe that it exists, I believe in bigfoot more than the existence of "effortless sex".


"Effortless sex" = meet someone...have sex....never take them out..have sex...don't wish to hear about their life...have sex...don't "Be there" for them when they need a hug...have sex...don't meet their friends and family...have sex...ignore any needs of their own they express to you...have sex...the instant that they complain about your inability/unwillingness to be emotionally available to them, decide if the sex is good enough to mollify them for another month or two by pretending to be what you're not, but hey..THAT requires a bit of effort...so, probably not...


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

Lesley, My earlier joking aside, what I took away from willow's post was that the effortless sex she was referring to had to do with knowing you can have it whenever you want because the conquest has been made. There's no longer any effort required to win the prize. In a way, it's similar to the opinions you express in that, they're all related to taking someone for granted. A slippery slope at best.


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## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

"Effortless sex" = "The Cowgirl" + Sandwich = Happy Mountainman


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

My first thought is that effortless sex is where one person does all the work while the other does something effortless like read a book! :teehee:


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## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

It means that, she knows that you love her so much that.... she could do whatever she wants and still be accepted back home, not very appealing. 
You need to act as if she's not coming home and get on with building an awesome life for you and your Son. If that don't attract her, nothing will.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

OK the 'effortless sex" definition went several different ways. A few funny, some just wrong. But I get the jest of the statement. I would like to note the other end of that statement as in i got to do the work and maintain the house, yard, garden, work a 40-60 hour week, the kids an I got to "bach" it Saturday night while she ran "with the girls" (I wont be falling for that one again) and it seemed her idea was if she provided a bit of "effortless sex" once a week all would be fine.


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

sustainabilly said:


> I'm sure it's just happenstance that a connection could be made between the bolded and your user name, DIM. It's just _got_ to be one of those unusual coincideye. Right?........... Right? Uh huh, that's gotta be it.
> 
> Oh well, I _am_ sure I don't really want to know anyway, LOLOL. It's probably just the mind altering substances they gave me after my surgery yesterday. Weird though. Awfully coincidental. Almost like, in a transcendental -all the universe is connected- kinda way. :gaptooth:
> 
> ...


Oh my, that's funny stuff right there!!


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

An update

Last week we spoke on the phone, he had been drinking, it was obvious. He was desperate and very emotional. Everything I would say to him, he came back with some sort of justification, (excuse), he would even interrupt me while I was trying to calmly explain why my feelings had changed towards him. I made it a point I wouldn't sound like I was accusing him. Just wanted to tell him why it didn't feel right with him anymore, there is no bad guy here, that is the sole purpose to date, to find out things about the other person, to distinguish the deal breakers and traits that are acceptable or not. I told him, I certainly didn't want to waste either of our time. 

He began to sob and bawl, begging me to give him a second chance. The tone started to ramp up, I told him that if he continued, I had no other choice but to hang up, I was not going to engage in this type of conversation. I had to hang up on him, he was forewarned. Then came the text messages pouring in, and one more call. I ignored them that evening.

The next day, he sends me a text asking for another chance. I said no. My feelings had changed for him and there is no going back, I am moving forward. But, I did need to go down there one last time to pick up a few things that I really needed. He said fine, that he would not be there if I didn't want him to be. I told him I did not want to go into his house without someone there. So, I picked a day he was on a time frame, and the only open window of time was Saturday morning between 11-1. 

As soon as I pulled up, he was overly happy, positive, almost "giddy". He asked me about a certain situation that is going on in my life right now, I filled him in, everything seemed pretty good. Until, he grabs my hand, (nicely) pulls me close to him to hug me and starts sobbing and how he misses me, blah blah blah. So what do I do? I tried to console him. I gave him a hug in return, but not one of "those" hugs, like the ones that you pat someone on the back console kind of hugs. He keeps hugging tightly. I backed away and said, I came here for my things, everything that was needed to be said, already has been discussed. After the same type of behavior, every time I turned around, wanting to hug and kiss and me turning away. He finally backed off a bit, he asked me what happened to make my feelings change. I told him, when he would bark at me, like he does to his son, that was a huge red flag. After I brought it to his attention that day, I began to pay closer attention to the things he would do, and process it. Told him that it took time to build feelings for him, just like it took time for my feelings to fade. And after only a short three months, that in itself was a warning flag. He justified that he had gotten so comfortable with me, and the day he barked at me really bad, he was in a bad mood. I said, that is why I am here to get my things. 

The short of it, he helped me load up my car, and both of us left. He is still sending misc text messages, generic ones, wanting to be friendly, etc. I respond back in a neutral, non emotional response. I can't be mean to someone, but I don't want him to think there is a chance for us again. 

This is the stinky part about taking chances with someone if it doesn't work out, it can get messy, and someone gets hurt. 

Am thinking if I ever begin to start dating someone again, I wonder if there is like some sort of agreement, disclosure or contract, that can be worded, feelings are subject to change.....or a minimal trial period is......you would think this shouldn't be necessary, but I am beginning to think it may be.


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

RubyRed said:


> He is still sending misc text messages, generic ones, wanting to be friendly, etc. I respond back in a neutral, non emotional response. I can't be mean to someone, but I don't want him to think there is a chance for us again.
> 
> This is the stinky part about taking chances with someone if it doesn't work out, it can get messy, and someone gets hurt.


 
Under the circumstances, I think the best thing to do is simply drop the whole thing. Continuing on with messages prolongs the issue. Perhaps it seems mean, but in the big picture its the cleanest way to get past it for both.

I was talking to someone long distance this winter and spring. It turned weird suddenly. With what little discussion that happened after that, (abusive and insulting comments, seemingly out of nowhere), I simply said "I'm done, please don't contact me again". She continued for several days with a blizzard of texts, emails and calls, wanting "closure" and any number of other things (I deleted all the emails, texts and voice mails without seeing them after a certain point) until I sent a note saying I was going to have the Sheriff deal with it if it didn't stop. If its not going anywhere good, the best thing is to simply stop it. Less pain and angst for all involved in the long run.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

RubyRed, you did an excellent job of handing it well. Now, cut off all communication and move on! :clap:


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> Lesley, My earlier joking aside, what I took away from willow's post was that the effortless sex she was referring to had to do with knowing you can have it whenever you want because the conquest has been made. There's no longer any effort required to win the prize.


Yes, that's what I meant. I've noticed men especially find it difficult to kick a willing woman out of their beds, even if the relationship stinks otherwise! :teehee:


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Ruby, an adult and mature individual knows, understands and accepts that feelings change. Hopefully they become stronger and better. If not its done. You owe this guy nothing else. Don't let him or yourself quilt you into anything else. 

Some people you meet can become long term friends even if the dating ends. People like that are the ones that make the "duds" worth sorting through. You are one of those people, wash your hands of this and move on up girl. :clap:


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

doingitmyself said:


> Some people you meet can become long term friends even if the dating ends.


I don't understand why some people feel the need to be bitter or burn their bridges behind them. I get it if its painful to see someone, but being friends isn't that hard, especially if you liked them to begin with.


And hey, if anyones having "effortless sex", they are doing something wrong!

They also must be quite a lot younger, I find everything seems to take more effort as time goes on.


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

Malamute said:


> *I don't understand why some people feel the need *to be bitter or *burn their bridges behind them.* I get it if its painful to see someone, but being friends isn't that hard, especially if you liked them to begin with.


In general, I tend to agree with this ^^^. There _are_ times when it's best, though. It's a case by case thing for me. Seems as though, often, one party just _has_ to attach an inordinate amount of drama to the whole mess. 



Malamute said:


> And hey, if anyones having "effortless sex", they are doing something wrong!
> 
> They also must be quite a lot younger, I find everything seems to take more effort as time goes on.


You said it brother! Only, if ya pick 'em right, the reward matches the effort.


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## RubyRed (Sep 24, 2011)

I knew I could count on you all for great advice!

He kept texting me, wanting to come up to see me, take me out to dinner. Then he got creative...he needed me to call him over some "news" that I should know about. So, with all of this great advice, I knew what I was going to say to him. 

I called, he was wanting to talk small talk, I asked what was the "news" it turned out it was gossip, which I don't like to partake in. I told him that after seeing him being so emotional that it isn't fair to him that he and I keep in contact. He needs to move forward and think about his future, which is without me. 

Of course, that is not what he wanted to hear. Then I told him that perhaps he should seek out a Lady friend for companionship, because if someone would come along and ask me out to dinner, I would accept the invitation. (only saying this for some sort of closure) There was silence. 

He said he wasn't interested in dating anyone, but if he could still be a part of my life, he would accept friendship only and move on. 

The ball is in his court, I have been straightforward with him. We will see if he can put his money where is mouth is.


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## Jim-mi (May 15, 2002)

Despite what he says he isn't going to change.....

moving on............


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## Malamute (Sep 15, 2011)

RubyRed said:


> I told him that after seeing him being so emotional that *it isn't fair to him that he and I keep in contact*. He needs to move forward and think about his future, which is without me.
> 
> He said he wasn't interested in dating anyone, but if he could still be a part of my life, he would accept friendship only and move on.
> 
> The ball is in his court, I have been straightforward with him. We will see if he can put his money where is mouth is.


 
The first paragraph is the money quote here.

He wants any contact with you he can get, and no, he would not be _happy_ to only be friends, but will take what he can get at this point. It only prolongs the agony and anxiety over the whole thing though.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

I'm sorry Ruby. You certainly seem to have been polite about stating your new boundary with him, but what part of "I'm Done," does he not understand? Does he understand you are done letting him occupy your time? Your thoughts? Your heart? Your phone minutes?

I am a believer in public activities and Friends First agreements before venturing into romantic illusions and "dating" anyone. People can't keep their faÃ§ade going for more than 4-6 months before their other stuff slips out. It's easy to get sucked in when you're being romanced and fed chocolate covered bs. I'm sensitive to feeling a selfish agenda behind this behavior.

Emo Drama King blowing up my phone? No problem telling him exactly why he is not to call again, I won't be calling him and he is going to stay out of my life. Some women like that kind of attention and drama, I am not one of them. God made somebody for everyone, go find your perfect mate who thrives on that crap. I think you can tell what one of my Deal Breakers are! :yuck:

Can men change? If they want to. If they feel inspired to change to please the woman they love, they will. They can only know they need to if we tell them their behavior is unacceptable. Speak up or turn and walk out the first time it happens. If you don't show being respected is important to you, how will it be important to him? When you have deep feelings as friends first, friends give each other grace and accommodation. This is where Relationship is worked through.


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## doingitmyself (Jul 30, 2013)

Umm NO.... The ball is not in his court.... it's your ball and you made it clear you don't want to play anymore. Ruby hon quit being so nice, your going to walked on. He has no say, if you don't dis-empower him he will become a bigger problem for you.


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## Laura (May 10, 2002)

When being "nice" while setting your boundaries doesn't work, then it's time to stop being nice about it. Your life, your rules, not his. Take the risk of being called Rude or worse......The B Word.  Those who intentionally bump and bust boundaries are guaranteed to call you those words when we say NO.

We don't "owe" anyone any amount of our personal discomfort, mollycoddling, benefit of our doubts, second chances, ego soothing, or guilt trip.


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