# I am so conflicted......



## Texasdirtdigger (Jan 17, 2010)

Maybe I am feeling this way, as a result of the recent past. ??
I lost my only child, about a year and half ago My Oldest sister passed the same week. My remaining sister and I BOTH were diagnosed with Breast Cancer, this past Spring......one day apart. 

I pride myself as a pretty savvy prepper.......So, what have I been doing?? Buying too much fabric, quilting supplies, software, etc. Spending significant funds.

Normally, I would put every penny of this into food, etc. But, I can't seem to help myself. Oh, and did I mention...I am brand new to quilting? What is going on?

I left to go buy a few yards of Moda Solid Black, yesterday, and came home with almost 70 yards of unrelated fabric.

Today, I am feeling terribly guilty. Maybe, It's just a need to leave "something" behind.....

I look at all the beautiful designs and I just want to immerse myself in the colors.
Is it just me, coming to grips with my own mortality? If so, I hope they have quilts in Heaven.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

I don't think I've done $70 extra, but I did $49 afterwork on Friday due to work stress and cause I needed black for the upcoming black and bold swap. (but I had fabric here with bright and black colors in it).

I do think you may be trying to fill the void in your heart. I've even used the term that stuff fills what our hearts cannot have.

And you should see my fabric stash, and I'm a place where others re-home some fabrics.

I'm really sorry for all your losses - and hurts to you and your sister. I hope you both are getting well.

(and fabric is so pretty and you can look and touch it)

Be well.

PS: if your bills are paid and you have enough food for now a bit more - do not feel guilty. You are okay)


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## Texasdirtdigger (Jan 17, 2010)

Angie - It wasn't $70.....It was 70 yards of full price ($$$$)Moda new line. It is truly beautiful. But, I did not need it in any form or fashion.

I am still working on the Cathedral Window Quilt for my sister.... It is going to be stunning......But, it is not feeding my soul. I am just ready to get it over with.

My sister and I are both doing well...so far....so good. Thank you.

Having Fried Chicken for lunch......maybe that will cheer me up!


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

You have certainly had a lot to deal with in the last few years. If you are not spending money that you don't have and it helps you to deal with the pain, I don't see it as a problem. You are looking to the future and planning for future quilts. This is a good thing, IMO. If you feel that you should be prepping with the money, tell yourself that you are prepping for clothing and bedding! 

If you are spending money that you need for other things you might think about counseling, but otherwise I think looking forward is a good think after all you have been through.


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## Garnet (Sep 19, 2003)

Sometimes I sits and sews ... 

Sometimes I just sits and admires my fabric - and thread ...

And sometimes I just sits ... :clap:


DH had 3 surgeries with extended slow recoveries. We were confined with meds and care and PT to keep up and a lot of potential boredom and impatience to be back to regular activities.

We tried to fill a day with pleasant distractions to get through and tried not to think too far beyond. 

I probably went fabric shopping during that period. :dance:

:soap: Whatever helps is good.


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## cc (Jun 4, 2006)

I have to really work to control myself, I am afraid if I had any extra money I might just spend it on things I don't really need. My husband has Alzheimer's and I am basically his only caretaker and suffer from mild depression. I certainly am not a doctor but it sounds like you are also. Talk to your doctor, there are new meds that can really help. Like Angie said, if you have all your bills covered and your preps don't worry about it, give yourself permission to spoil yourself.


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## westbrook (May 10, 2002)

where are you and your sister with your cancer? I am so sorry about your child.


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## Tinker (Apr 5, 2004)

So sorry about your troubles. I have nothing near as tragic as your circumstances, but I find myself doing the same thing. I collected fabric for 3 or 4 years before I ever started my 1st quilt. It is all so pretty, and I think it makes us feel good, at least temporarily. The best thing to do is to find something that makes us feel good long term. 

Maybe you need to stop fretting over what you spent, and make a beautiful new quilt with all that fabric. Make one for yourself, and maybe make one to donate to a breast cancer fundraiser.

As beautiful as the fabric itself is, it is so much more satisfying when it is made in to a beautiful quilt that encompasses your love, talent, and hard work. Then, you can look at it, and feel true happiness.


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## Karen (Apr 17, 2002)

Been there. Terrible loss is hard thing to deal with because you lost something that can never be replaced and there is nothing out there that can fill that void, although we do keep trying, don't we?

Don't feel guilty. Grief has to be worked through and there's no time limit for that. No one can tell you, "times up; back to normal life", because there no longer is a 'normal'.

I say if fabric helps, if even for a little while, you go girl! Better fabric than drugs, booze or gambling. 

The worst that can happen is you have to resell it at some point and who knows, you might actually use it one day or make a living from it! In a SHTF situation, I'm convinced people with a big fabric stash will rule the world! We'll be the only ones supplying reasonably priced clothing to an entire nation. :happy:


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## dollmaker (Jun 24, 2010)

Texasdirtdigger....I can honestly say that I understand what you're going through regarding the cancer and the need to fill your mind and heart with beautiful things. Cancer is ugly, treatment is ugly...beautiful fabric...beautiful flowers...beautiful anything distracts our minds from the uglyness of cancer.

I have stage 4 breast cancer and have also recently started sewing and looking at fabrics again. It's good for us.

My oncologist says we're all addicted to something....so maybe your addiction is fabric...I think his is working...lol.

Oops...forgot to add that I've been in cancer treatments for 3 years now and haven't felt as purposeful during the whole time as I do now that I'm sewing again. I don't think about cancer when I'm busy creating pretty things.


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## dollmaker (Jun 24, 2010)

Oh, and you haven't reported how you like your Accuquilt Go yet.

Mine is working better for me now. I got new die (the home die) and it slides through the machine easier without leaving green residue on the machine. The other die must be a bit too thick.


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## Texasdirtdigger (Jan 17, 2010)

It's not a monetary issue...other than I spent it in Quilt Shops....rather than huge amts of food and whatever. There is really not anything, I can think of, that we need prep wise. 
I think I just shocked myself with my actions.

I also signed up for a 7 week Quilt Boot camp, and joined a Moda block of the month club.
(But,that's a good thing, Right?)


Karen: Thanks. I needed that! LOL!
Westbrook: We are both at our 8 mo marker....since diagnosis. Both of us has good 6 mo check ups post surgery 
Dollmaker: I pray every thing goes well for you. I had thought I would be sewing, quilting and knitting, in my recovery downtime....Let me tell you...it never even crossed my mind. I also made enormous wedding cakes...Even that does not excite me right now. 
I don't have an addictive personality.....but, this fabric has a hold on me.
I have sewn my entire life and have sewn for a living in the past.....I already had more fabric than ought to be allowed by law!........But, It wasn't quilt fabric.
Maybe it IS just the beauty that beacons to us......due to what we have endured.

Re: the Accuquilt: I still have not cut a single piece yet.(I know) I also placed a big order for dies.....but that was planned....so, no sweat on that!lol
I hope to settle on a design and start my quilting odyssey!
BTW - The Fried Chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, salad, biscuits and iced tea, we had for lunch.....Did help...a little! lol!

I am going to TRY to stop beating myself up about this and go enjoy the gorgeousness!!!


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

> I am going to TRY to stop beating myself up about this and go enjoy the gorgeousness!!!



as they say in facebook LIKE


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## CJ (May 10, 2002)

Only feel guilty if you can't afford what you've spent. Otherwise, celebrate life. You've had the terrible experience of seeing how fleeting it actually is. Go ahead and embrace your passion! You may have another 50 years, you may have only a few months. Live your life to the fullest and YES... create some art and legacy to leave behind to those that love you. But mostly... do it for the pure joy of it.


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## Fae (Mar 9, 2005)

I haven't read the answers you have received yet but just wanted to say I went through something very similar when I had cancer. Well actually it was after I finished chemo and had been told it was all gone. I was buying things for the house and other things also. That lasted several months until I started to realize what I was doing. Then I got back to prepping except for remodeling the house some which needed doing regardless of my condition. I would say just enjoy making those quilts.


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## pattycake (May 16, 2010)

Texas, I love it that you bought that fabric!! I have spent a life time being super frugal and careful with everything. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer my views on everything changed. May God bless you and keep you safe forever and ever.


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## CarrieAnne (Sep 4, 2009)

Sending hugs. I think you should just enjoy the fabric, ect.....have fun with it. You deserve some fun and enjoyment after the saddness you have delt with. GUILT? FORGETABOUTIT, lol, you bought yourself a treat. Also, think about it as an investment, lol, the fabric prices never seem to go down!


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## Texasdirtdigger (Jan 17, 2010)

Thanks for the kindness,everyone.

I am feeling slightly better about it today......
I auditioned a few choices to my DH.....He thought it was great.
I guess I just need validation.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

Can you take photos and show us, or find the moda website and give us the names or numbers, so we can appreciate the fabric with you?


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## Kazahleenah (Nov 3, 2004)

*hugs* 
You say that you are a "new quilter"... maybe you are like me, and you dive headfirst into your hobbies. Fabrics are soothing. The colors can make you feel better just looking and touching them. Hats off to you on the Cathedrial Window quilt!! I just started my very first one, and when everything is going well, it's soothing and relaxing to me... when the points don't come out right, etc... it's frustrating and Baahhhh!!! I could scream. That's why I have 3 diffrent quilts going right now. I jump from one to the other as my moods etc change. Each has diffrent colors and techniques involved, and each has a diffrent effect on me. 
In the grand scheme of things, 70 yards of fabric is a small price to pay for a bit of joy. Just be sure you relax and enjoy them as you quilt them.


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

Enjoy the fabrics, forgive yourself if you think its necessary and move on. (Might want to stay out of fabric stores for awhile!)

I love fabrics. I love the colors. I have to touch. I can't afford to buy so I can only look. Since I got hooked on quilting no fabric except 100% cotton appeals to me. When I was sewing clothing everything was fair game.


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