# My Spouse had weight loss surgery and I need support



## HTG_zoo

It's been so rough, no complications but we're fighting non-stop. The stress is killing me. I mean, I'm not sleeping or eating, having heart palpitations, crying all the time. I'm just a mess! This was supposed to be the only way to save his life, restore his health and get everything back on track. We're 6 weeks in and I think it may be the worst decision ever made. I'm at the end of my rope.

I spent the time he was in the hospital driving back and forth, taking care of the house and taking care of him while I was there at the hospital because the staff was too busy.

When we got home, I went back to work and he was feeling ok so he was up and cooking and complaining about not being able to drive and it was too cold to walk outside. So we got a treadmill (used) and even though when I get home from work everyday he tells me he walked for 20-30 minutes on it, I never see him get on it on my days off. Now that he can drive, he could use his YMCA membership that we're paying for, but his truck broke down. He could have driven me to work and went after he dropped me off but he never did.

Before surgery he was so serious about we needed to get exactly what the book they gave him said. So I spent $200 on the recommended vitamins, assuming he'd be taking them for life (as the book say he will). Then he quit taking them, and all his other meds (including life preserving heart and blood pressure meds). We had a big fight about that ... and he is taking them again... and I'm checking on him everyday because he is unbearable when he's not taking his meds. I seriously want to harm to him, if anyone else acted like that in my home they'd be thrown out!

I CANNOT get him to take the protein supplement. The first one was too sweet. He complained that it was "coying." Then he went online and decided he needed this $40 Nectar Ice Tea kind. He HATED it, threw it away and got mad at me for getting upset about it. Then he tried powdered milk in skim milk and it was too milky. So we went to the vitamin store and tried some premixed stuff that made him sick. Then he had an appointment with his nutritionist a week ago and she gave him several samples. He hasn't tried a single one!

He's also not following his diet. He's eating foods that he shouldn't be yet, because he "cannot live without solid foods." He's not measuring his portions, even after repeatedly telling me he will. He thinks he's only eating 4 ounces, or that because he didn't finish his bowl that he only ate 3 ounces. In reality he's eating more like 6 or 7 ounces when he should only be eating 3. He's eating more then me sometimes!

He's also complaining at every check-in that he's not loosing weight fast enough (40lbs in 6 weeks, 35 of that in the first 4 weeks) and that his weight loss has really slowed down. He's also having trouble thinking and controlling his mood and he's constantly dizzy. These are all symptoms of not taking his meds / vitamins and protein supplement so it's really hard to be sympathetic to him.

We've talked to his doctors and nutritionists and they just tell him to keep trying and he has a good support system in me, but I'm just really done with it all. I understand how hard it is to make a big change. I have very severe dietary restrictions and had to make big changes to my diet several years ago. I also struggle with my weight and he has been no help there, his portions and ideas of balanced meals are not helping me. He doesn't conform to my diet and I can't conform to his prescribed diet.

I feel like I've tried everything. I got all the vitamins, several proteins, measuring cups, individual packaged portions of foods that are on his allowed list. I take him out running errands with me so he can get out of the house and walk around. I'm eating less, not eating in front of him and not a lot of things he can't have. I'm asking him daily about his pills and walking and water and what he ate. If I don't ask, he stops doing the things he should entirely. He's lied to me about it too though. We've talked about how he needs to do this for him, and he's just slowly killing himself by not taking his meds and it's not fair to ask me to watch it and all that.

I'm sure a lot of it is depression. He goes to a support group but he hasn't been since before the surgery because they don't meet in December. I honestly don't know that support group would help though. He likes to act like everything is fine when we're around his family (mine is another story) and I don't think he's going to ask the support group for support. I can't go to the support group, and they don't have one for spouses in our area. I have no friends and there is a rift between me and my family right now. I feel like I need to keep them out of this because they think badly of him right now and he says this is because I tell them everything. The reality is they know something is wrong but I won't talk to them about it so they suspect the he is abusing me (my sister married an extremely abusive man who tried to kill her so my mother is jaded).

We've had our rough patches before but I honestly feel like this is the worst it's ever been. I just don't know what to do.


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## Belfrybat

{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}} I think you are right it's depression on his part, and sounds like you are heading that way too. I don't have an real words of wisdom for you, but wanted to let you know you do have support here. Have you spoken to his medical team and told them the truth? If he's anything like me, he'll put on a smile for others and say everything is just fine. They need to know the truth.

He also might benefit from counseling, but probably won't be open to that idea. Is there a support group for spouses of people who have gone through this procedure? That might help you cope with this.


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## thesedays

You definitely need to get involved with a support group. Even an online group would help.

Bariatric surgery, and profound weight loss with or without it, is a thing that's way more complex than most people realize. Certainly he had a psychiatric evaluation beforehand? This is actually where most people get rejected for surgery.


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## frogmammy

Sounds like the man is heading towards a "Come to Jesus" moment.

You can only do what YOU can do. What YOU can do is remind him of what he should be doing and step back. You can keep his doctors informed of what he is doing, but don't expect them to pay attention to you. 

What will help most is to know the symptoms of a genuine emergency situation, AND know what to do in that situation.

He knows what he is doing and he chooses to do it, thinking he will "get away" with it. He won't. You just need to be prepared to handle the situation. PERHAPS he will do as he should AFTER his come to Jesus moment.

Mon


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## Ardie/WI

Put him on Ignore! Dont say another word about it! He is an adult and whatever he does is his decision. Throw the ball in his court. You're too involved with his behavior.


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## Terri

I have a similar problem with my husband, though he did not get the surgery. And, he needs a diet that is ENTIRELY different from that of our 19 year old son who is still living with us! DS needs it: DH does not.

I am lucky in that DH really would rather eat in front of the TV set. So, I often say "Dinner is ready. Would you like me to bring you a plate? " He says he does not want to put me out. "No, no, it's no bother, I will just bring you something." Then I bring him something he is supposed to be eating. 

Pills. Yes. He can be coughing like a dragon but not have taken anything. So, I say "If I bring you a decongestant will you take it?" He will often take it, then. Usually, anyways.

Lastly, we have read up on the weight loss surgery option. Did you know that the rate of alcoholism in people who have had it is pretty high? People who were addicted to food will sometimes trade one addiction for another, and booze is easy. Perhaps that crankiness you are seeing might be because he can no longer sedate himself with food?


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## HTG_zoo

Sorry I can't not be involved. If he doesn't take his medication. HE WILL DIE. It could take a month or it could take a day. That's kind of like leaving a suicidal person a loaded gun.

He was screened and passed the mental health evaluation but a professional with a good reputation (I checked that beforehand because we had to pay cash up front for it). He joined and attended a support group for 6 months before surgery, unfortunately they have not met since he had surgery. We did talk briefly about his problems following the protocols when he had his 6 weeks visit but they kind of laughed it off and told him to try harder and told me to stay on him.

Obviously nothing I can do will influence him though. So how do I set boundaries? I mean, just because he's depressed doesn't mean I should have to listen to him yell and carry on, but how do you set those terms without making things worse off.


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## Westexas

HTG zoo, I am so sorry that this is so difficult for both of you. When I had my Sleeve done last October, my husband took all of the 10 Valium that we had in the house (for "emergencies")! After the first 60 lbs came off, I found out that I still have to work at this every day to get to where I want to be. It helps to be back at work, where I get all kinds of encouraging comments and a feeling of accomplishment from my job. I struggle with exercise also, but love to garden and care for my animals. My husband is critical at times, but this is an intensely personal journey that I am dealing with, and I need to find my own way of making it, with his support and encouragement. I do take an antidepressant, which helps with some food cravings. The vitamins help as well. I have found that protein drinks usually need to be "dressed up" with frozen berries, ground almonds or flax, and flavoring to really taste good. The food that makes me feel the fullest is brown rice and beans - meat is optional. There is no excuse for his verbal abuse, however, and I would make that clear. How about both of you seeing the counselor together? Hugs and best wishes to both of you!


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## Wolf mom

Sounds like you need a caregiver's group. 
Food can be a drug, and like any other addiction the addict (look at all his excused you've listed) needs counseling and the family needs to detach with love. Maybe you both need to find your own 12 step support program.


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## mnn2501

Sounds like you both had unrealistic expectations about what weight loss surgery would do for him. Having had it myself almost 5 years ago I know all about that as I had unrealistic expectations too. Weight loss surgery is only a tool, its not the cure. He still needs to watch his calorie intake, exercise and do what the doctors are telling him. He needs to take his heart and blood pressure meds until his doctor tells him he can stop (5 years and I am still on B.P. medication).

Life goes on with out the protein shakes and vitamins as long as he's getting protein and vitamins from other sources. I found that the vitamins the weight loss doctors push are expensive when a normal generic multi-vitamin will do the same thing. There is a period of depression after weight loss surgery because it is such a drastic thing - in my case it only lasted 2-3 weeks. 

My only advice to you is to forget about it.* Period!* 

He's a grown adult and will do what he wants. Stop trying to be the responsible one - its his body and its his life and he needs to be responsible for it - just make sure the insurance premiums are paid up.


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## HTG_zoo

Leaving him to die from not taking meds is not a suitable answer to me.

MNN I feel like your answer is overly critical. We all anticipated difficulty with the dietary changes. We didn't just jump blindly into this... not looking for an overnight fix. We did everything that you are supposed to do pre-surgery.


But the consensus here seems to be I should just let him die so I guess we're done here.


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## Ardie/WI

HTG_zoo said:


> Leaving him to die from not taking meds is not a suitable answer to me.
> 
> MNN I feel like your answer is overly critical. We all anticipated difficulty with the dietary changes. We didn't just jump blindly into this... not looking for an overnight fix. We did everything that you are supposed to do pre-surgery.
> 
> 
> But the consensus here seems to be I should just let him die so I guess we're done here.



For what it's worth, my opinion is that you are too close to the issue to see it clearly! It is a power/ control struggle between the two of you. You are pushing him to do all those things and he is resenting all that pressure. So, he gets bull headed and rebels.

I don't know either of you nor do I know your relationship, but I'm hoping that the two of you work it out.


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## Terri

I guess the hard part is to know how much to help? I do know that while I can offer my husband a healthy meal, I cannot stop him from eating unhealthy foods. That is just the way that things are.

DH does the same thing with me: he almost never offers me sugary food but he does not say a word when I indulge myself. The results in my family have been mixed: i mostly stay on my diet and I have lost weight, DH rarely stays on his diet and he has not lost weight. So, instead of fussing because he is not staying on his diet I simply proposed a new diet. This one is shiny and new and he is willing to give it a try: he has been willing to eat what I give him but I do not fuss about what else he has eaten. He stayed on it for 3 days but last night he ate ice cream: I will continue with giving him healthy food and *IF* the ice cream breaks are only every 3 days or so then it should still do him some good! He would lose weight more slowly, but as long as he is still losing!!!!!!!! (I did not buy that ice cream. He did. I said nothing)

His knees hurt him now. If he looses enough he might feel better and so be more active. I hope. 

Did you know that doctors allow a diabetic holiday about once a month? It is true. If something is entirely forbidden it is harder to stay off of it than if you just put it off for a few weeks. The knowledge that if I really wanted candy I can have it makes it easier for me to stay away from it. I just know that if I value my eyes and my toes that those episodes have to be fairly well spaced out! I used to take care of a diabetic that did not watch her diet........

At any rate, NOTHING will work for your husband unless he makes the effort. I am afraid that you cannot care for two. 

Is he being given anything for depression? If he was all gung-ho before the surgery and now he is struggling, he might need help for his mood more than anything else.

And, if he will allow it, try to see if he will accept you preparing his food because you REALLY find it to be no trouble! If breaking his diet is a bit of an effort then he will break it less often, and imperfect compliance is better than no compliance. 

I hope that he feels better soon and his mood lifts: he is probably still sore and not himself, and it is hard not to be able to eat when you feel bad. Even I break my diet some when I feel sick and hurting and down: I tell myself "Well, that was your diet holiday" and then I follow my diet closely for a while.


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## mnn2501

HTG_zoo said:


> Leaving him to die from not taking meds is not a suitable answer to me.
> 
> MNN I feel like your answer is overly critical. We all anticipated difficulty with the dietary changes. We didn't just jump blindly into this... not looking for an overnight fix. We did everything that you are supposed to do pre-surgery.
> 
> 
> But the consensus here seems to be I should just let him die so I guess we're done here.


I've been there, I've had weight loss surgery and then gotten depressed.And then gained weight after the initial weight loss. I did the protein shakes, and the vitamins, I did everything pre and post surgery and you know what?
While my wife could offer support, she couldn't live my life for me.

YOU are too close to the situation and sorry to say but from what you wrote, it appears to be a contest of wills between you and your husband. You can't force him to do what you want him to do. Back off from everything except the medication issue, that is the only thing that will kill him.

Too many people INCLUDING ME think/thought that surgery is the cure going into it -- ITS NOT! weight loss is still hard work and that realization hurts, it hits you like a brick wall. Give him time, Back off for a while (of everything except the meds).


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## sherry in Maine

I'm sorry it is so hard! Who ever said it (Ardie?) is right; you're too close (Of course you are! You are invested in your husband!) It's awful hard to step back and see him hurt himself. 
I'm sorry! I dont have advice, except yes, he probably needs counseling, and you probably do need some too, for going through it with him. No, of course you shouldn't let him 'kill himself', but he wants you off his back. He is an adult; you are his loving wife, not his mom. It's so hard! I wish I knew the answer.


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## Mid Tn Mama

I don't know much about this surgery, but I know there are several online support communities for bariatric surgery or weight loss surgery on Sparkpeople.com which is a wonderful website for nutrition and exercise. Perhaps you could be reading these things nearby and comment on some of them. Ask your question and see what happens there with people who are dealing with the same thing. You cannot be the only spouse in this position.Sometimes a little comment from our children, like, "why are you doing X?" makes my dh sit up and see things he won't admit to me. Somehow when they notice, he sees that he is wrong.He won't make flip answers to them, or realizes that they sound unconvincing...


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## willow_girl

1) Insanity is doing the same things over and over, and expecting different results.

2) You can't change him or force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. You can only change yourself.

3) Codependent support group. When your husband sees you successfully working on your own issues, he may be more motivated to do something about his. At the very least, it will change the dynamic between you into something less toxic and crazy-making.

4) Right now, you're drowning. _Let go of the rock_.


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## Terri

By "letting go of the rock", I do not think that willow girl means letting go of your husband! I think she means to let go of the things that have not worked.


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## Maura

How about having some one else in charge of his meds? Talk to his doctor, you may be able to get a person to come in every day, or twice a week to check his blood pressure. This added attention can sometimes be the trick. He won't keep you happy about his health, you've got to nag him. But, may wish to please the new person.


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## plowjockey

HTG_zoo said:


> But the consensus here seems to be I should just let him die so I guess we're done here.


I disagree. 



> Obviously nothing I can do will influence him though. So how do I set boundaries? I mean, just because he's depressed doesn't mean I should have to listen to him yell and carry on, but how do you set those terms without making things worse off.


I see in your responses, it's obvious that you have done _a lot_ to help him, have you tried to come _unglued_ on him and let him know, that depressed, or not, his behavior is _unacceptable_, especially to you? 

I understand the addiction to food, so the "acting out", over not getting the food, is understandable. That does not make it acceptable, IMO.

This is your life too, so you have a right to be heard - loud and clear, by your DH.

Don't know for sure, but _your strength, _might just be something he_ needs_, right now, as he might feel, this huge change put him out of control and we all know food means control.

I already know what my DW would be telling me.

I wish you good luck and much strength, in this trying situation


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## dukesilver

IMO, your husband should go to the thread on the paleo diet. Follow the guidelines located there.

So he sorry did (was led to do) a very bad thing and had that surgery done. Water under the bridge. Never goes well. Gotta start over from here.

BTW, after the initial WATER weight loss - 35 pounds (only water and feces move that fast) in the 1st 4 weeks - he's now metabolizing fat. In no concept of reality could he possibly metabolize more than 1.5 pounds of fat per week. More like 1 pound per week. That's exactly what he should expect. 

Problem is, if he had learned to eat correctly - surgery would have never been needed. Now, he's post-surgical, with a reduced ability to break-down foods into vitamins/minerals, etc and is unable to eat a sufficient amount of food to give his body the USEABLE energy it needs to heal itself. Hope you can see the catch-22 he's been led into.

Depression - yeah, I'd be depressed as well. More correctly, sad. And remember that sadness is very appropriate given that he's been misled about how this would go. Don't let his sadness be treated with drugs. Makes the equation way more complicated. Treat it with a more successful action plan.

Do both of you a favor and step away from the medical nutritionist and into a healthy lifestyle. Paleo all the way.

Best of luck
Duke


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## HTG_zoo

Just clicking through new posts on threads I had replied to and saw this. Sorry Duke this is the worst advise I've heard yet... Clinically depressed people are probably better off being treated for depression before they become a danger to themselves or others.


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## Terri

HTG_zoo said:


> Just clicking through new posts on threads I had replied to and saw this. Sorry Duke this is the worst advise I've heard yet... Clinically depressed people are probably better off being treated for depression before they become a danger to themselves or others.


How is he doing? Has there been any change?


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## dukesilver

Best of luck HTG. You're unlikely to get a different result by doing the same things over again. Maybe you'll be the first.


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## JamieCatheryn

dukesilver said:


> So he sorry did (was led to do) a very bad thing and had that surgery done. Water under the bridge. Never goes well.


Dude you're coming across as a Paleo cult evangelist nobody is gonna listen to that "harsh reality" approach. Well maybe your best buddy but not a woman who doesn't know you.

Bariatric goes well for many people actually. Also goes badly for many people, surgery is no light choice and a lot to heal from I agree. But paleo sure is a pleasant way to get healthy: eat more meat and veggies, fruit and nuts and less other stuff like grains and milk (preferably none). Be active in work and play but don't wear yourself out doing pointless things you don't enjoy like chronic cardio, and get plenty of sleep. Great to get a hubby on board with because it's easier to serve your family a low carb satisfying meal or snack and encourage them to play than constantly warn them to stay on a strict diet and to go workout.

And sure it's better to avoid meds if possible but if a diet change and habit changes doesn't fix things as quickly as needed, drugs are there for good reasons, too. My husband's very high blood pressure flares up every few years and taking lots of hawthorn or a lisinopril for a time helps him feel well enough to take steps to get healthy again and get off them (I feed him right but he goes out to lunch too much, hey even spouses have freewill we must accept that). He knows he doesn't want to be taking pills, the whole goal is to not need them. It takes artificially managing symptoms to heal the real problem sometimes.


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## fffarmergirl

When life gets really, really bad for me I have a mantra that I keep repeating over and over. It's a bible verse but I can't remember what verse it is: "Don't worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything. Bring your needs to God and don't forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this, you will have the peace that comes from God which is more wonderful than the human mind can understand."

Then I pray something like "please god please god please god don't let me kill him. Shut my mouth because I have no control over it. I'm begging you to help me, I need some peace PPPLLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSSEEEE!" 

That usually works for a little while LOL.


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## SashayXP

wow...I can feel your frustration and pain and wish I had some real words of wisdom that would help. but...you have already gotten words of wisdom from wiser folks than I. I know how you feel...but trust me on this one...you CAN NOT save him. You can't. He has to save himself and yes that mean up to and including really losing his life. I know that's not what you want to hear...but it is the truth. As someone with my own weight issues and having watched several friends after surgery....fat is notwhat you eat...it is what is eating YOU and weight loss...ANY weight loss that does not also address what is in your head will not last. The surgical approach will force weight loss...but at what cost?...and another poster pointed out the high rate of alcoholism (and drug addiction) with former fatties who did not address the mental issues. Hub needs a therapist or a support group but quickly...but dear...so do you. You can't do this alone, you need a support group too. You are both in my prayers and please do keep us posted. We all care and want to help.


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## Karen

I've had the surgery. The first few months were horrible for me too, but even more so for my husband.

It's hard to explain, but the surgery changes your emotional and physical being until you even out over the next several months. 

For example, almost all of us who have had the surgery experience being so much colder than ever in our lifetime. It's like someone reset your internal thermostat. It's a true physical change from the surgery, although science has not found out why yet.

Your taste just suddenly changes as well. I loved the protein shakes before the surgery, but couldn't stand them after surgery. They were so sweet that they actually made me sick. The 'sweet' thing was one of my biggest hurdles. If you notice, until you're on phase 3 diet, everything _is _sweet. The protein shakes, yogurt, sugar free pudding, fruit juices, etc. You feel like your living on sweets. You also notice "sweet" more on your palette. You simply don't have the same taste as before surgery.

Also, there's just something about the constant liquids and 'mush' after surgery that drives you nuts. There's no chewing, no satisfaction in eating like you had before. It's totally gone and a physical reaction, as well as mental. You mind and body fight back. In fact, your body thinks it's in starvation mode because of the changes.

Another thing that happens is your body is recovering and hormones are totally wacked out for a few months. Actually, you are not fully even healed for almost a year after the surgery. Physically it causes a lot of emotional and mental changes.

The good news is, it gets better and you get back to the nice person you were before. It took me several months to feel like I'm "me" again. It was awful and I was sure I made the worst mistake of my life by having the surgery. But it turned out to be the best thing I ever did in my whole life. 

Just try to hang in there with your husband and let him know that as you help him, he also has to help you to cope with all the new changes. You have to work together in this venture and he needs to understand that. It wasn't just him that had the surgery. You were along for the ride too, and although you may not be feeling what he is feeling, it's effected you in ways you've never experienced either. It's a joint effort and it's not all about him. It's important he thinks about that! I needed my husband to point that out to me and it changed things for the better for both of us.


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## bluhollow-lady

I agree wholeheartedly. Sounds like you have done all you can, and most sincerely. Give him the Ball the hard part may be "just waiting"...Always come to the Forum,,you have lots of support here..


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## Klutzy

I could really use some advice. My spouse was a BIG man. I loves him the way he was. I am attracted to BIG men. We have been married for 10 years. He recently had surgery and has lost over 100 lbs. I am really struggling. I know he wants this and I doing very well. But I am unhappy. I pretend to be fine. I adjusted the way I eat to fit week and support him. I'e changed our activity habits to be more active and not have food as our central extracurricular activity. Y issue is, I'm not attracted to him now. I LOVE this man. I am and will be faithful. But I don' see the man I fell in love with. He's changed so much. I can' tell him how I feel without making him feel bad. So I dont. I feel like such a selfish horrible person. I love him, but this is hard. Am I Alone?


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## HeavyHauler

Klutzy said:


> I could really use some advice. My spouse was a BIG man. I loves him the way he was. I am attracted to BIG men. We have been married for 10 years. He recently had surgery and has lost over 100 lbs. I am really struggling. I know he wants this and I doing very well. But I am unhappy. I pretend to be fine. I adjusted the way I eat to fit week and support him. I'e changed our activity habits to be more active and not have food as our central extracurricular activity. Y issue is, I'm not attracted to him now. I LOVE this man. I am and will be faithful. But I don' see the man I fell in love with. He's changed so much. I can' tell him how I feel without making him feel bad. So I dont. I feel like such a selfish horrible person. I love him, but this is hard. Am I Alone?


He's still the same man, just thinner. Or did his personality change as well?

I suggest talking to him.

If it's just the weight issue, I would say you're a pretty shallow person and that his health comes first.


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## Terri

Hi, Klutzy, and welcome to HT!

This has GOT to be hard on you, and so far it sounds like you are being wonderfully supportive! I think you should start out by patting yourself on the back, as I know how much work there is in caring for someone post-op.

You know, this is a problem that all of us must face, though usually we have time to come to term with things, and it is hitting you all at once. We ALL lose our attractiveness as we get older. We age, we get lines in our faces and we lose hair and sag a bit. And, as a woman of 63 I can tell you that it DOES take some adjustment. My husband, alas, no longer looks great in Levi's. I love him to death but he really did look better when he was 20.

We get used to it. We really do. For you, the change in attractiveness came about sooner than you expected, but in a way it is a adjustment that we all face.


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## Klutzy

Terri said:


> Hi, Klutzy, and welcome to HT!
> 
> This has GOT to be hard on you, and so far it sounds like you are being wonderfully supportive! I think you should start out by patting yourself on the back, as I know how much work there is in caring for someone post-op.
> 
> You know, this is a problem that all of us must face, though usually we have time to come to term with things, and it is hitting you all at once. We ALL lose our attractiveness as we get older. We age, we get lines in our faces and we lose hair and sag a bit. And, as a woman of 63 I can tell you that it DOES take some adjustment. My husband, alas, no longer looks great in Levi's. I love him to death but he really did look better when he was 20.
> 
> We get used to it. We really do. For you, the change in attractiveness came about sooner than you expected, but in a way it is a adjustment that we all face.



It really has happened so very quickly he' lost over 100 lbs in less than 4 months. He isn' a different person. He is doing so well. At first I was so worried about him. He was so week n pale. Then he finally got so week he went to the er. Turns out, the first 4 weeks post op, he was bleeding into his intestines. He almost died. The Dr said he was on the verge of critically low blood volume and his heart was struggling. He went in. Had surgery. It fixed it. I' not shallow, if I was I wouldn' say I'm struggling. I'd be mean n aweful. I know he' the same man. I love him. It' just so different. I don't want to talk to him about this. I don' want him to feel bad about his change. He's' doing so well. This is all about his health and happiness. Not me. Hence my reaching out for support. He doesn' need me to bring him down. I just feel...ugh. I don' even know. I'm sad. I look at him n he is so different. He FEELS different. I know he' still him. It' just so.... not him.


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## GTX63

A friend who used to work for me is married to a wonderful woman (20+ years) who was maybe 20 lbs overweight, however she had large "boobs". She is very attractive and shapely, however she had back issues, constant head aches and neck strain associated with her bosoms and she was unhappy. She had wanted breast reduction surgery for quite some time to relieve some of the weight and strain. He was supportive to her while very unsettled in private to others because of how attracted he was to her current shape. 
Yes it sounds selfish among other things, but he felt his wife would, post surgery, have these tiny & odd shaped mammaries that would make her look out of proportion. The surgery was done. 

How did things change after about 3 months?

She started coming to work with him a few days every week; she was outside working their minifarm in the mornings, instead of laying in bed until late morning waiting for the pain killers to kick in and the strength to get up. She was physically more active, she felt better, her moods were better, she was able to help around the house more. She felt like spending more time with him and their kids rather than skipping dinner and going to bed early. He never saw all of these positives before the surgery, even though the surgeon had explained the benefits to both her and him. Post surgery he was so grateful for the partner and friend he didn't realize he had slowly lost over the years. His fear of losing what he considered physical beauty was replaced, and then some, by the newfound companionship; and by the way, she is still a knockout at 55.
God help the man who marries a beautiful shrew.


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