# Are you too proud to accept help?



## ovsfarm (Jan 14, 2003)

I had an interesting experience this afternoon. A friend became aware of a family in our community that is still suffering from the effects of the strong storms we have been having. Their home was damaged by falling trees. While they have made some progress in repairing it, the house is still not quite liveable and the family is staying with relatives about 45 minutes away. They have no insurance, little money, and 5 children to feed.

There were several of us ladies present when the one was telling us about this family. Everyone's first response was, "What do they need?". We were all ready to jump up and start gathering up supplies, food, clothing, a bit of money, whatever would help. The wife of the family had discussed some of their needs with my friend and we were about ready to jump into action.

When she called to be sure we were focusing on the most immediate needs, the father of the family gruffly and in no uncertain terms told her that they didn't need any charity. Okaaay. His wife was in tears that morning about their situation. More bad weather is upon us. We are not talking about a government hand out here. We are talking about concerned people in the community who want to help and who would hope to receive help if in a similar situation. None of us are wealthy, we are just willing to share what we do have. So, for now, our efforts to lend a hand are on indefinite hold.

If you were in a similar situation, would you accept help from others who had no agenda other than wanting to be kind to you? Where do you draw the line between pride and making your family suffer due to your stubborness? We are a small, rural community. Helping each other out is usually common around here. I have stitched many a comforter for families burned out of their homes. I participated in a fund drive to get some propane heaters for a home where the father was unable to work to keep the family warm. And if my barn fell down, I would put a great big smile on my face as I was cooking goodies for those who would come to help put it back up. I was rather shocked that someone would refuse help, especially when their wife and children were doing without. Can someone explain this attitude to me?


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## Haggis (Mar 11, 2004)

ovsfarm said:


> ,,,,, the father of the family gruffly and in no uncertain terms told her that they didn't need any charity.


Some folk are just "proud" (one of the so called "seven deadly sins" I think), and have bought well in to the "self-reliance" myth. Funny thing is, this same fellow would likely accept help if his truck was in a ditch and "someone" offered to pull him out, but will in turn watch his children go hungry rather than allow the same "someone" give him any sort of aid.

My father was such a man; he would walk a 100 miles to give a week's work, aid, or food to anyone in need, but would not allow anyone to help him, ever.


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## HomesteadBaker (Feb 8, 2006)

I have accepted help, and would again, if needed.... and have paid it forward many times by helping others when they need it. I thought that was what we were supposed to do.... you know, that old-fashioned, out-dated "DO UNTO OTHERS..." thing?

Kitty


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## Bonnie L (May 11, 2002)

HomesteadBaker said:


> I thought that was what we were supposed to do.... you know, that old-fashioned, out-dated "DO UNTO OTHERS..." thing?
> Kitty


AMEN! Isn't there a song about "sometimes you're the bug & sometimes you're the windshield?" We've been smushed bugs & accepted help, we've been the windshield & given help.


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## BRYAN (Jul 5, 2008)

It would be difficult for me accept, so I can sympathize with Mr. "gruff". I have assisted in a simular situation by allowing my wife to discreetly approach the woman of the house and offer what aid we could. A group effort is often rejected out of pride, while a sincere approach by an individual is not. I would try again with a little different aproach, and explain that its not charity, rather it's being neighborly.


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## Jakk (Aug 14, 2008)

When I was first divorced I accepted help from a neighbor and that neighbor drove me to the food pantry once a week. Now, 9 yrs later I do volunteer work for the Church food pantry and help when ever a situation comes up. It took a lot to swallow my pride and accept help, and I truly understand what a person is feeling when a person is in need. I have heard stories from moms and dads that come to receive help and I can honestly tell them that I too have been where they are once upon a time.


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

Sometimes a group of well intentioned ladies ready to help can be scary and overwhelming to a man. I know my husband would react the same way, cuz he is so staunch on providing. 

Let them be, and you can drop stuff off anonymously, or slip it to the wife. Or you can work out some sort of trade, labor for help. 

A few weeks ago when there was snow the gravel road going up to our house was stopped up by a neighbor stuck trying to get up, and a neighbor stopped going down cuz he couldn't get around a car in the ditch and the stuck guy. The guy going up needed to put chains on his truck to get going again. The other neigbor guy going down was trying to figure out how to put on the chains(they both were clueless old farts). Nobody's going anywhere so while my hub backed his truck down to the bottom of the hill, I helped the old guy put on his chains. Being a woman and knowing the kind of guy he was("I don't need any help, especialy from a woman even though I only have half of one lung and can barely lift a finger"), I did my idiot helper mode--well maybe it goes this way, maybe if I pull real hard on this link, you know make it look like the man's doing it  but actually get something done instead of stand around moaning. If I would have been all I am woman hear me roar and do it for you old man we would have never gotten home . 

Just sayin it can put people(men) off if you swoop down ready to fix everything(not saying you're being so superwoman, but just sayin how it can be perceived)--but if you offer help in a roundabout way, like they are doing you a favor for taking stuff off your hands you can git r done.


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## mtnest (Mar 11, 2008)

I would say that it isn't that the man is wanting to deprive his family, more like it is causing him emotional and mental pain for what he sees as his failure to provide. It's not just about pride but about the feelings of uselessness this man is probably feeling because his family is not in a situation that he could fix himself. I suggest a husband, brother, son etc of one of your group of ladies goes and talks to this guy. Help this man realize that accepting the help from others is not necessarily "charity" as through his acceptance, HE IS providing for his family. It's not the way he would ideally CHOOSE but it is the way he can ALLOW. Refusing the help would indeed put the blame of not providing for his family square on his shoulders. 

D


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## ovsfarm (Jan 14, 2003)

I see what you mean about rejecting a group effort, but this situation needs a lot of help. They need repairs on the structure and many of their belongings (home furnishings) were damaged by the wind and rain. We are not any kind of organized group, just some women who live in the community. This man is struggling to commute to his job during the week and then he and his preteen sons work on the house on the weekends. If we could all get out there and give it a go, we could accomplish so much in just one weekend. Without help, he probably has months of work ahead of him. 

Of course, we won't force our help upon him. But it seems to me that he is harming himself and his family by refusing any assistance at all. I know that a lot of people on this forum are very independent also and can help me understand. It just doesn't seem to be a very effective strategy for continued independence to live crowded into a relative's house and not to know for sure where your family's next meal is coming from. He is self employed part time and is having to decide between buying food and repairing the house. So far, they are a little short on the food and a lot short on the repairs.

At what point would you consider your need great enough for you to surrender some of your pride in your independence in exchange for help to get your family back on its feet? Would it matter from whom the help was coming? A lady? A group of ladies? An organization you don't particularly agree with? The dreaded government? In a SHTF situation, would we even have the luxury of pride? I'm not so much thinking about this man now, but about my family and others here. I hope for me, when it comes to the safety and well being of my family, my pride and ego would have to go out the window and I would suck it up and take whatever help I could to get back on track.


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

maybe I should say I think men are awesome dudes and I don't mean to be disrespectful by calling them clueless old farts 

I sure know his wife calls him that


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

What about the men and sons that need to practice their building skills so the young guys can learn how to build something more than a bookcase, in shop.

adding: maybe that husband could be approached as a 'teacher'.

Angie


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## Razorback21 (May 13, 2003)

I was told by my father, who was told by his father, when times are at their toughest, you need to be the rock. You need to be the one prepared enough to help others. Others having to help me, I would view as failure to live up to that creed as taught to me by my father. Others can call it pride, but I think many of you know where I'm coming from. Part of self-reliance is being prepared.


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## Lilandra (Oct 21, 2004)

ovsfarm said:


> I see what you mean about rejecting a group effort, but this situation needs a lot of help. They need repairs on the structure and many of their belongings (home furnishings) were damaged by the wind and rain. We are not any kind of organized group, just some women who live in the community. This man is struggling to commute to his job during the week and then he and his preteen sons work on the house on the weekends. If we could all get out there and give it a go, we could accomplish so much in just one weekend. Without help, he probably has months of work ahead of him.
> 
> Of course, we won't force our help upon him. But it seems to me that he is harming himself and his family by refusing any assistance at all. I know that a lot of people on this forum are very independent also and can help me understand. It just doesn't seem to be a very effective strategy for continued independence to live crowded into a relative's house and not to know for sure where your family's next meal is coming from. He is self employed part time and is having to decide between buying food and repairing the house. So far, they are a little short on the food and a lot short on the repairs.
> 
> At what point would you consider your need great enough for you to surrender some of your pride in your independence in exchange for help to get your family back on its feet? Would it matter from whom the help was coming? A lady? A group of ladies? An organization you don't particularly agree with? The dreaded government? In a SHTF situation, would we even have the luxury of pride? I'm not so much thinking about this man now, but about my family and others here. I hope for me, when it comes to the safety and well being of my family, my pride and ego would have to go out the window and I would suck it up and take whatever help I could to get back on track.


this is my first post here, I usually just lurk but thought I could help you here...

when you notice them working, show up one or two at a time with an item to help out - ie something for lunch for the work day... or a tarp to cover damage... or with the truck and a chain saw
just stop in and start talking, hand them some goodies and roll up your sleeves and work along side them... you'll gain their trust and get to know more about them. sometimes people refuse help because they are private people and don't want others to see them at their worst or neediest


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## mrpink (Jun 29, 2008)

This in not pride. This is deep emotional pain. let me try to explain, pride is "look at what I have done", "look at what I am able to do". for a man to be to the point of others suggesting that you need there help is like them telling them they failed, and yes coming from women it its even more, because our role as men is as a provider, our role is to be strong and fearless, to show hope when the women and children most need it. I don't know if I can explain it to a woman because I don't know what is emotionally the same. as for solutions find out from the wife what is needed. If its food or clothing then the women folk take it to her. If it is building materials then buy what you can and let the men folk help him with the house. he will warm up to it. present it in a way that nothing is expected back because if a hint of "expected back" will possibly hurt that much more if he is ever in a case to where he can't give back. as a final note what a man sees as suffering is not the same as a woman.

greg


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## Ernie (Jul 22, 2007)

You know, there's been a number of times that people thought I needed help or some charity of some sort when actually I did not. This family may just be thankful that they survived the storm, nobody was hurt when their house was damaged, and that they have loving relatives to give them a place to stay while they rebuild. 

It's not your place to force charity down someone's throat, or to judge that it may be pride that is preventing him from accepting your offer. For all you know, he may have decided that they'll be just fine and you ought to take your charity on down the road and find some folks who are in worse shape. 

I'd extend the offer to help with whatever needs doing, and then leave it at that. The man may have closer friends who are helping him and doesn't really trust you or want a relative stranger in his business.


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## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

OhferPetesake. <grumble grumble>

The man has an understanding of his responsibilities. He doesn't want to shirk them. Honor that.

Try something like this-

(Walking up to the man)
John, I see you have a bunch of bad stuff that just happened.

We'll git by.

Never said that you wouldn't and would be real surprised if you couldn't. But... I've got a fence I'm going to need some help on later, and I need someone with a bit of determination and grit to git 'er fixed. I also don't have a heck of a lot of free money. 

Would you be interested in a trade, THIS ISN'T CHARITY, where I do some stuff to help you and yours out right now, and I trust you to pay that back in helping me with my fence once you've got spare time? It'll make things easier for you now, and for me a little later. I know you're good for it. You don't have to say yes or no now if you want to think about it, but I'm just tryin' to make life easier for both of us.

If you don't have a fence needing fixing, then if you have a job that will be needing done and you have a legitimate need of help, then substitute that.


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## Ernie (Jul 22, 2007)

Last year my neighbor broke his ankle right at the time he needed to plow up his garden. I took my tiller up there and made a couple of passes through it for him, and brought back to my house some of his wife's really incredible blackberry jam in return. I know who came out ahead in that deal!

The man's got a bunch of trees down on his house. Ask him if you could have some of that firewood if you saw it up and remove it for him. Don't humiliate him. His situation isn't as bad as you seem to think it is.


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## texican (Oct 4, 2003)

Well there's charity and then there's neighborliness...

I don't know if I'd accept "charity". Whenever I've been in a bind, and folks found out, they just showed up and started to help out. And vice versa. I didn't have the Red Cross, or the food bank, etc. come out and offer anything, and its questionable I'd'a took their help. Now if it was total devastation, who knows?

Part of it, in my case, might be pride. A large part of it is I can't stand the concept of strangers pokin' around my house, or wandering around in my barns, and seeing all my junk, er *treasure*...


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## Sonshine (Jul 27, 2007)

I have been on the receiving end and on the giving end of help. When my house burned down in 1976 we lost everything. If not for the kindness of neighbors I don't know what we would have done. I try to look at it this way, God created us to be a blessing to others. By refusing help from anyone, ever, you are preventing them from doing what they were created to do. I get blessed by helping others, and have found that many times when that happens, the person I have been able to help has turned around and given to others. It's a good cycle to get into. I believe I learned on one of the forums what is called "paying it forward". I had never heard that term before, but there is something to say for it. Pride can prevent people from accepting help sometimes. I can understand why many men refuse help though. They are taught from childhood that they need to support their families, and I agree, but sometimes things happen and the best way to provide is by accepting help, then when you are back on your feet pay it forward.


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## RVcook (Mar 29, 2008)

I don't know...some people just don't want help I guess. Which works for them. 

My grandmother was like that...scared to death that "someone" was going to put her in a home so she didn't answer the door or the phone when she was home and so everyone got used to that type of behavior. This worked for her until she had a bad reaction to some medication and the neighbors noticed that she hadn't been moving around the house in her usual way. After 4 days they called the police who broke into her house and found her dead.

The moral of this awful story is that _"pride goeth before they find you stuck to the floor."_ She refused help and that's exactly what she got...no help when she really needed it. How sad...

RVcook


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## ann in tn (Nov 25, 2007)

I do like the idea of someone approaching the husband with a trade off deal. Say we help you with this on the weekend so you and your family can get into the house sooner, then later this spring/summer when I need help with x, you guys can come over that weekend. 

He gets to provide for his family and accept help on the barter system. works out great for both.


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## PyroDon (Jul 30, 2006)

I cant speak for the people in question. 
For my self Im far more used to being the one helping than accepting help.
through two major floods , a couple fires and three tornados .
If I found myself in dire straights and those I have helped came to return the favor it would still be hard to accept the help.
I realize that sounds strange but as others have pointed out there is a bit of pride there . 
When your used to being the go to guy its really hard to admit that you ran into something you cant handle on your own


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## bee (May 12, 2002)

There was a time when I was desperate short on cash for a load of firewood. I told some folks on a forum I visited and in a couple of days an anonomus donation of 100 in an envelope was mailed to me. I could not get anybody to fess up to donating it until nearly a year later somebody slipped up and I found out who did it. He asked that I "pay it forward", gift it to somebody else in need. Years later I had forgotten it when a lady I worked with told me her daughter and family were about to get their electric cut off. It was like a light went on in my head and I remembered the 100; took it and put in a card and told the mother to give it to her daughter. It was brought back to me the next day, the husband would not accept it. I called the daughter and told her the whole story how it wasn't my money and they could do like me. Maybe one day just pass it on. Well she told her husband and then he accepted it. true story.


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## Mulish (Mar 24, 2005)

Mr. Chickpea, I like the way you approach the situation, very diplomatic, neighborly and pragmatic.


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## firegirl969 (Nov 3, 2008)

I love the "pay it forward" idea. I have not read that or heard it before. Another thread was discussing us looking for the positive instead of the negative in the world. That is an excellent place to start. Thanks for sharing it, firegirl


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## Madame (Jan 1, 2003)

I like either Chickpea's solution or the pay it forward idea. We all need our pride and both give him a way to get help without feeling shamed.
BTW, question for the OP - has anyone considered helping anonymously?


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## ovsfarm (Jan 14, 2003)

We thought about anonymously leaving piles of building supplies or sending the family an anonymous gift card to Lowe's hardware. We are still on hold. One of the dh's of one of the ladies is going to talk to the man later this week.

And please rest assured folks, that I am not going to go MAKE that poor man let me help him. I will see what he has to say to my friend's dh and if he still refuses, then that's that.


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## Callieslamb (Feb 27, 2007)

I think I would take some things to them in person. Letting them see the manner in which the items are being given. Perhaps it would soften him up just a bit to know that it is his neighbors thinking of him, knowing he would do the same for them- he might 'know it' but seeing it might help him. It is easier to refuse help over a phone. 

And I wouldn't put it past myself to find a few tears to shed to accentuate my point. When disaster hits one of us, it affects all of us. What would he do for you? Can you do any less for him? Are we friends or not? Are we a community that helps our own, or not? Etc.


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## Harry Chickpea (Dec 19, 2008)

I think you could be misunderstanding ego. From what you describe, the fellow has a very strong belief system. If he was able to accept the money from his church, that is an indicator of where the boundaries have been set. Christians have endured far worse for sticking to their belief systems, and there are variations where most of us would wonder "How on earth did they come up with that interpretation?" We are all fools. Some of us admit it more readily than others, some hope that by sticking tight to their lifeline (belief system), especially in troubling times, that all will work out.

There is probably a purpose somewhere, or a lesson hidden in the mess. We have no idea what that lesson is. It could be that this will keep the 12 YO son from ever building a house under a tree that would otherwise fall and kill him. It could be a lesson in the fickleness of fate. It could be a wakeup call for the father to expand his horizons and open up his home more. It could be that the lesson is for someone reading this thread, who changes direction or delves a little deeper into what is being said and why. Or it could be that having a tree fall on a house was a really amusing idea at the time. 
Job never did get the joke.

As it is, we know the son will be getting exercise, the family will be practicing human relations, and they'll have a story to tell after all this is over. Nobody got kilt or seriously injured. Could have been a lot worse.


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## Jennifer L. (May 10, 2002)

Sounds to me like they are actually making good progress if they have the kitchen repaired, and what's really needed more than anything is a couple of guys there with chainsaws some Saturday morning.

I can see where the guy is coming from, and frankly, I'm not sure that he's as black as he's painted to refuse "charity". At the moment they are getting along, and he's teaching his kids that independence is good. Is he taking it to extremes? Probably, but if they are making it ok, even if it's difficult, it may not be that bad. The wife crying over the situation doesn't necessarily mean it's dire, just that she's emotionally wound up (and who wouldn't be).

If they have to go back home because it doesn't work out with family, then that's time enough to bring groceries, IMO. Right now family is taking care of them, even if it's a rocky situation, and that's the way it should be done. Time enough for community to get involved when family can't help anymore.

You probably are not surprised to hear that I wouldn't be asking for help, either, unless it was a situation where absolute health and safety were at stake. A ruined carpet and furniture isn't health and safety, that's strictly financial. Would I turn down my neighbor with the chainsaw? No. But I wouldn't be accepting help from someone I didn't know, which sounds like the situation here.

Jennifer


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## ovsfarm (Jan 14, 2003)

Thanks to everyone for the input. I was raised in a family that did things very differently. My father would have swallowed his pride to make things easier for my mother and us children, although it would have just about killed him to do so. I had no idea that some "good" people did otherwise. I hope things turn out well for this family.


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## mrpink (Jun 29, 2008)

ovsfarm said:


> Thanks to everyone for the input. I was raised in a family that did things very differently. My father would have swallowed his pride to make things easier for my mother and us children, although it would have just about killed him to do so. I had no idea that some "good" people did otherwise. I hope things turn out well for this family.


obviously you where looking for replies to back up what you believe. you where given many good replies. I hope all works out for the family.helping others I believe is what we are here for.

greg


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