# A question for divorced ladies



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Never mind.
Over 50 views, no comments.
So noted!!


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## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

Did I miss the question? Don't see it here.


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## Jade1096 (Jan 2, 2008)

Laura Zone 10 said:


> Never mind.
> Over 50 views, no comments.
> So noted!!


Don't see a question.

And it very well could have been 50 men or people never divorced looking...and since the thread was titled as a question for divorced ladies, they didn't answer.


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## Sourdough (Dec 28, 2011)

OK.....here is a question....??? Do you think most of the men available for dating on Singletree are "Too good looking for their height".......??? Yes or No


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## reneedarley (Jun 11, 2014)

Yes, you are all so tall we humble ladies don't reach up to your knee socks, also being very short sighted, we do have trouble judging your beauty.:sob::goodjob:eep:


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I took it down. It was up for a better part of the day, had 50 looks, and no comments.
Maybe it was 'too' personal......so I took it down.


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## Huckleberrie (Sep 23, 2015)

Missed it too. You got to give it time. Post it! Please, please, pretty please!


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## summerdaze (Jun 11, 2009)

Well, I'm not on here every day, and even when I am, I'm often in a hurry. Anyway, I never saw it, but I'm wondering how bad could it be???


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## Sourdough (Dec 28, 2011)

The National Security Agency (NSA) had fifty agents review your post, but they are NOT supposed to reply......:grumble::grumble::grumble:




Laura Zone 10 said:


> I took it down. It was up for a better part of the day, had 50 looks, and no comments.
> Maybe it was 'too' personal......so I took it down.


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## newfieannie (Dec 24, 2006)

I think Laura was asking how soon should you start dating after a divorce after a long term marriage or something to that effect. it's likely that the girls that could answer this hadn't seen it yet. got to give it time. people are busy this time of the year and are mostly in and out.

I couldn't answer because I have never been divorced . all I know is I married too quickly after my first husband died but that wasn't the question. it's very difficult when people have been married that long and expected to be married until one or the other dies. I would say death is easier than divorce if you can call that easy. hang in there Laura! ~Georgia


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

That was kind of the jist......
It was more "how long did it take for you, after being married 20 or more years to undo that dance".
How long did it take for you to stop being "husband / child rearing" minded?

THEN
How long after your 20 or more year marriage did you wait before you started dating AND what did that look like?

I have never experienced the death of a spouse, so I can't say "yeah that would be easier".
In my mind, knowing that the one I was married too moved on to Heaven would be more 'comforting' than he moved on to someone new......


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

I was told that singletree is not for single people it was named for a single tree in someone yard? anyway date as soon as you can and feel like it after divorce, after death I think it is a feeling you would have to know your ready. I learned the longer you wait the harder it becomes to date for so many many different reasons. Kids, looks, money or lack of it, getting so set in your own ways, the list gos on. I was told once that my ex took my marketable years.


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## vicker (Jul 11, 2003)

Laura, this is one of those things where averages just don't work. Some people jump right back on a new pony, some never do, and everything in between. It only matters what is right for you. If you have the opportunity to get your feet wet, do it. Take your time, stay safe and see how you feel. You can always back out if you're uncomfortable. Any partner would be disappointed, but any partner could understand too, whether they like it or not.
I think you need the diversion if given the opportunity.


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## gibbsgirl (May 1, 2013)

Just do what you're interested in doing IMO.

I do think there's truth to the old saying you find love when you're not actually looking for it.

If you don't know what you're interested in doing that's OK too.

My advice would be to get out and try a few activities where you can be social with friends or making friends, and you may meet interesting people to date that way. And, if not at least irlt could be things you'd enjoy without finding Mr. Right.

Just, be honest with whomever you meet about if you're looking for a husband or not or don't know. You CAN do that without awkwardly explaining your whole life story when deciding to date someone. You're not obligated to give them a solid list of reasons why for your feelings.

The best way, I think is to do the same activities for awhile. Ex. Take a class that has a few sessions. Go dancing at the same place a few times a month. Join a volunteer group for a handful of sessions. Not long term commitments, just doing something a handful of times and seeing what friendships turn up our of it. Even just finding a place you want to visit and watch all the world series games at. Or, just church hopping two or three churches, different one rotating each week for a few months.

My experience with my Mr. Right, was that even if you're not all sorted, if you do meet Mr. Right, it will end up working out anyway.

We met randomly through friends. He spent about a week and a half, daily trying to convince me to go out with him. I refused card I thought the jinx fairy had doomed me regarding relationships, so it wasn't worth the effort. He proposed a week and a half later. And, married me less than 2 months after the day we met.

Didn't see that coming. Got my happy ever after through. Obviously we've had some bumpy days like many folks, but not many, and we're solid and settled after more than 15 years.

Funny thing is, he said he felt the exact same way I did, before we met, doomed by the relationship fairy, and accepting of staying single forever. But, he changed his mind, and was obviously really convinced of it unexpectedly and quickly, cause I took some convincing. And, it wasn't cause he was a bad guy at all, I just had a lot of baggage I didn't know what to do with, and a fear it would just taint and ruin anything I tried to pursue with anyone else.

Good luck Laura.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

gibbsgirl said:


> Just do what you're interested in doing IMO.
> 
> I do think there's truth to the old saying you find love when you're not actually looking for it.
> 
> ...


I have joined a Bible study, a church, Red Cross, Meet up .com (4 different groups)......So I am putting myself out there.



> My experience with my Mr. Right, was that even if you're not all sorted, if you do meet Mr. Right, it will end up working out anyway.
> 
> We met randomly through friends. He spent about a week and a half, daily trying to convince me to go out with him. I refused card I thought the jinx fairy had doomed me regarding relationships, so it wasn't worth the effort. He proposed a week and a half later. And, married me less than 2 months after the day we met.


How many years were you married when you got divorced, and how long after the divorce did you meet this man?



> Didn't see that coming. Got my happy ever after through. Obviously we've had some bumpy days like many folks, but not many, and we're solid and settled after more than 15 years.
> 
> Funny thing is, he said he felt the exact same way I did, before we met, doomed by the relationship fairy, and accepting of staying single forever. But, he changed his mind, and was obviously really convinced of it unexpectedly and quickly, cause I took some convincing. And, it wasn't cause he was a bad guy at all, I just had a lot of baggage I didn't know what to do with, and a fear it would just taint and ruin anything I tried to pursue with anyone else.
> 
> Good luck Laura.


Thanks


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## gibbsgirl (May 1, 2013)

Laura Zone 10 said:


> I have joined a Bible study, a church, Red Cross, Meet up .com (4 different groups)......So I am putting myself out there.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I remember reading about your activities you were involved in. I guess I was just trying to encourage you to pick doing stuff that you enjoy and isn't draining or overcommitting yourself to, so you can get stuff out of it and find your niche.

Being single is definitely an adjustment if you're not accustomed to it.

I had steady boyfriends from about 15 years old on.

My ex and I did not marry. But we were together for about five years. Lived together for about 4 of them. Breaking up was about as involved as I'd we were married though. We were engaged and had joint bank accounts, vehicles, mortgage for the house, house bills, etc, for about half that time.

It was less than a year from he and I splitting to marrying my hubby. Ex wanted me back, and we still talked and got together and such, and I honestly might have gotten back together with him if I hadn't met my husband. That would have been the wrong decision, and I'd like to think I wouldn't have, but my ties were tight to his family.

I pray you're finding your way. I believe God has good plans for folks. But, sometimes, freewill lets us make choices that get things in the way of his plans. I don't think you have to be totally on top of clearing the junk out of your life for him to get the good to come. You just have to get it settled in your head and heart that you're trying to do that. Then, he'll help move it along for you and you can end up totally shocked sometimes with the blessings he brings in that you did not expect.

Hugs to you. I hope you have excitement in your heart to find all the beautiful moments and new things you can try and enjoy this holiday season.

Praying you can let past regrets or mistakes find a small corner to live in, so they don't distract you too much from focusing on living each day forward with a clear head and open heart. Be well friend.


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## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

Laura Zone 10 said:


> That was kind of the jist......
> It was more "how long did it take for you, after being married 20 or more years to undo that dance".
> How long did it take for you to stop being "husband / child rearing" minded?
> 
> ...


I don't think there is a right answer or firm rules but I did take a year after my divorce to rediscover myself and to ensure that I'd fully moved on before considering a new relationship. 

Obviously, everything that happens in our lives shapes who we are and will affect future relationships but I felt it was best to give myself sufficient time to restore my self confidence. 

As for getting past being a mother/child rearing, I never did and have no plans to stop being mom, even if my youngest is 26 but there is a time when you realize that kids are going to make mistakes in life and you simply let them know that and make sure they understand you'll be there for them when they want to talk.


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## suitcase_sally (Mar 20, 2006)

Laura Zone 10 said:


> I took it down. It was up for a better part of the day, had 50 looks, and no comments.
> Maybe it was 'too' personal......so I took it down.


Learn patience, Laura.


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## coolrunnin (Aug 28, 2010)

suitcase_sally said:


> Learn patience, Laura.



Patience my butt, I wanna kill something. ROTFL


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Again, thank you all for your prayers.

Maybe I should just write a book about my experiences, that way someone who has the misfortune of 'walking a mile in my shoes' will at least have someone they can relate too, and glean advice from (or at least not repeat their mistakes!!)


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

Forcast said:


> I was told that singletree is not for single people it was named for a single tree in someone yard? anyway date as soon as you can and feel like it after divorce, after death I think it is a feeling you would have to know your ready. *I learned the longer you wait the harder it becomes to date for so many many different reasons. Kids, looks, money or lack of it, getting so set in your own ways, the list gos on. I was told once that my ex took my marketable years.*


You know, I can really relate to this. Especially the last part. I often thought about how things might be different if, instead of sticking it out and trying to work them out, I had got out at the onset of all my marital problems. Thinking back, I may have gained 10...15 years. 

Then, there were the times I got angry about what a waste all those unproductive years were. What followed, then, was the blame game and bitterness over the whole mess. It wasn't until I accepted that _no one took those years, I gave them_, that I got past the bitterness and the blaming, and accepted responsibility for my part in it all. What's more, in my case, I would have missed out on the chance to meet one of my favorite people in this whole world...my youngest son. 

That's not something you can learn from a book, or glean from listening to the war stories of others. You just have to live your life and let the realization work its way through you. And, it's one of those things that simply takes as long as it takes.


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## farmgal (Nov 12, 2005)

It looks like you've really put yourself out there. I could only imagine what your going through. My marriage wasn't that long. 

That said. I'm up in years, sorta. Mid life, I can't find many compatible men. Seems the really good ones are married. whatever you do, I think at our age and living in the country, limits the pool. So don't take it personally if they don't drop from the sky. Don't own any rose colored glasses. 

I'd rather be single than with the wrong guy. Learning to love yourself and make fun with yourself isn't always easy. Yet, it will be very attractive to mr right if he does drop out of the sky. Lol. I meet lots of men with emotional baggage. I'm too old for that. People change, it's not always someone's fault things ended. It's what you do today that maters.


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## FarmboyBill (Aug 19, 2005)

THANK YOU ( Seems like all the good ones are married). Id guess theres LOTS a gooduns here.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

> It was more "how long did it take for you, after *being married 20 or more years *to undo that dance".
> How long did it take for you to stop being "husband / child rearing" minded?
> THEN
> How long after your 20 or more year marriage did you wait before you started dating AND what did that look like?


I see I am a minority.
IRL I see OODLES and GOBS of 20+ year marriages ending in divorce, and the one or both acting like they are 20 years old; 'dating' people half their age or ACTING half their age". 
Maybe on a 'homesteading' site, marriages are more solid?




sustainabilly said:


> You know, I can really relate to this. Especially the last part. I often thought about how things might be different if, instead of sticking it out and trying to work them out, I had got out at the onset of all my marital problems. Thinking back, I may have gained 10...15 years.


I would have gained years, but my kids would not have had the childhood experience that they had. 
My ex was a monster, but no one knew (until 2011) except me......
So had I ditched him in 96 (like I should have) I didn't, and the kids had a pretty amazing childhood because of it. 

I am past that regret.
THAT took a long time......the guilt of not doing what should have been done.
Now? It's the mindset of "this is how it went down, the end, turn the page".



> Then, there were the times I got angry about what a waste all those unproductive years were. What followed, then, was the blame game and bitterness over the whole mess. It wasn't until I accepted that _no one took those years, I gave them_, that I got past the bitterness and the blaming, and accepted responsibility for my part in it all. What's more, in my case, I would have missed out on the chance to meet one of my favorite people in this whole world...my youngest son.


I struggled for a long time with "I should have left in 96 and I should have let him walk in 2011". 
I didn't, the end.
I look at it this way: He was the liar, trixter; I was trusting and loving. I lived my life like his lie was real.....and I was true, and real. 
After what happened in 2011.....everyone knows who is real and who is not. 
So there is no need for me to be bitter, angry, etc.
I am past that. NOW I am THANKFUL THANKFUL his 'mask fell off' when it did, and not waste another day of my life!! 
I look at it as a blessing; I have a chance to really live.



> That's not something you can learn from a book, or glean from listening to the war stories of others. You just have to live your life and let the realization work its way through you. And, it's one of those things that simply takes as long as it takes.


When I was going thru grief, I was losing my mind.
Someone shared a host of books written about the grief process; my advocate helped walk me through the 5 steps of grief, and how it's not a 'check list'; that you can vascilate from 1-5; but it gave me a 'guide' so to speak. 
It let me know I was not going insane, that this was 'normal'.

You can learn A LOT from others who have 'walked that mile' you are about to walk (or you are on that road). 
Gleaning from the experiences of others, if nothing else, helps you to feel like there IS and end and you are NOT going insane.

Coming alongside someone who is walking this dark road; holding their hand, lending an ear, sharing experiences/advice, or just being still and listening is priceless. 
Being able to hand them a book, that shares similar experiences, is invaluable.

I guess that is the difference between men and women?
We just need different types of care.


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## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

I have a rough exterior to keep people away so I can't be hurt anymore. I won't go into detail but my childhood wasn't ideal. I'm twice divorced, neither of my choosing. I've had times when I didn't care if life ended that day. But, I had 3 kids to raise and I heard success was the best revenge, so I've tried to better myself everyday since. To say my life hasn't been hard is an understatement. 

I started my life to betterment by quitting alcohol, then cigarettes, two things I thought I'd do the rest of my life. I found I had more self control than I thought and knew I could become who ever I wanted. I also realized the only opinions that mattered were that of my family and friends.

I'm totally secluded and love it that way, but.... In one hour my 3 1/2 year old grandson is gonna show up for his twice weekly visit, giving me the best of both worlds. This isn't what I dreamed my life would be, but I couldn't see it any other way now. 

As for dating.... I asked out a 30 year old when I was 40 2-3 months after my ex left. I knew right away she wasn't the one, but the feeling of dating was nice. I cut ties with her and started seeing a neighbor lady, see was a Dr and hot, but wasn't really my type, it was nice to have company sometimes though. That was 15 years ago and how I've weened myself to being a hermit and happy. 

Looking back, the good times out weigh the bad and I feel like the king of the mountain today.


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## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

oneraddad said:


> I have a rough exterior to keep people away so I can't be hurt anymore. I won't go into detail but my childhood wasn't ideal. I'm twice divorced, neither of my choosing. I've had times when I didn't care if life ended that day. But, I had 3 kids to raise and I heard success was the best revenge, so I've tried to better myself everyday since. To say my life hasn't been hard is an understatement.
> 
> I started my life to betterment by quitting alcohol, then cigarettes, two things I thought I'd do the rest of my life. I found I had more self control than I thought and knew I could become who ever I wanted. I also realized the only opinions that mattered were that of my family and friends.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much.


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## AmericanStand (Jul 29, 2014)

Like most things I think I probably have a weird veiw. 

I would have considered taking a date to the funeral. 
BUTT
I wouldn't get serious for a while, I'm talking years. I wouldn't even consider being exclusive for a few years. 

Here is my thinking. 
The one that perfect one that one that would complete you might be there the first day. 
So you wouldn't want to miss them. 
At the same time it's going to take you a while at least years to find your self. And it's going to take some experience and some variety of dates to be able to make valid comparisons.


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## FarmChix (Mar 3, 2013)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Thank you so much.


I think we are close to the same age....I married my high school sweetheart. After 4 years of dating and 18 years of marriage, I just couldn't take it anymore. Like Oneraddad, my childhood wasn't the Cleavers or anything close to a Norman Rockwell painting. After the divorce, I was scared to death. I had never been alone. I went from my parents farm right into a marriage. After the divorce, I married the one and only person I dated.

What I can tell you is this...you choose your destiny. You deserve to be happy. You rely on no one else for your happiness. It took me a long time to realize the only place to get contentment was from myself. I have adult children, grandchildren....yet, they have their own lives. I do not live vicariously through them. I make my own path and my own happiness.

The only dating advice my mother ever gave me was to never depend on a man for anything. (My real dad died a month before I turned 3 and my brother was 6 months old. She had no driver's license, no idea how much money was in the bank, etc.) I always thought that was "cold" and chalked it up to her never really getting over my Dad. I now see that I was wrong.

I don't depend on a man for anything. However, I look at myself and ask what I can bring to a relationship and make sure it is positive. I am independent and strong, but I also have hidden doubts. When/If this train de-rails, I don't know how I will react. I don't know how to date. I have never been alone. I do know that it does not define me.


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Forcast said:


> I was told that singletree is not for single people it was named for a single tree in someone yard? anyway date as soon as you can and feel like it after divorce, after death I think it is a feeling you would have to know your ready. I learned the longer you wait the harder it becomes to date for so many many different reasons. Kids, looks, money or lack of it, getting so set in your own ways, the list gos on. I was told once that my ex took my marketable years.


It is actually both as I renamed my property Singletree after the divorce and thought the name appropriate in launching Singletree forum.


Sitting on the porch as I was taking a break from getting the forum message board published and also trying to decide how I could continue my truck patch gardening and set up at the local grower's market with one third the available labor, I noticed the singletree hanging from the chain hoist in the white oak that I used to hang deer carcasses by the hind quarters for skinning and butchering .

As I mused the singletree swinging in the breeze I remembered an old lady one time saying if she outlived her husband she be danged if she would buy another plug to put on the doubletree of her life wagon and pull it with only her trace chains and singletree and use the double tree she had been hitched to with her husband for firewood.

Regardless if you have a one horse rig, two horse rig or a 20 mule team , each one pulling has its own singletree to hitch to the load.

Single folks like horses and mules in harness, all pull their life wagon. Sometimes horse, mules or people team pull on a doubletree hitched to their singletrees , but at the basics, all three pull the load they are capable of on their indivual rigging.

After thinking of the importance of the singletree I returned to launching the message board and switched my truck patch gardening to all SFG BISF and chose Singletree as the name for both.


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