# Asexual relationships?



## sisterpine

Hi, I have always been married but have found as I aged that sex is just no longer entering my brain, neither is lust nor passion. Whether that be odd or not is not the issue. The issue is where do folks who are not interested in sexual intimacy go to find life partners? I don't consider myself a lesbian at this point nor do I prefer men (other than for their unique perspective). Whats a gal to do? I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone and would like a lifetime close friend relationshp with some kind of partner.


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## Pinetop Hunting

Get you a good dog


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## Laura

Dogs seldom hold up their end of the conversation. Of course that applies to some men, too.


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## Dixie Bee Acres

Ok, no man, no woman, no dog....
Maybe a mirror?


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## sherry in Maine

sister pine, I dont know your age (and not asking it either) but aside from 'lust', aren't you interested in any kind of intimacy? Even someone who'd rub your back (and you his) or your feet, or just put their arms around you?
Sometimes after raising of kids is done, the 'making the monster with 2 backs' is easier because there's less stress, distractions, etc. Sure, there is still stuff to get done, but that part of your brain is more relaxed.
I'll bet there is some kind of website/dating site just for you! Keep your eyes open, and perhaps at church (if you go) there's some one who likes a good conversation now and then.....


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## oregon woodsmok

Roommates. Find someone who is compatible, make sure they know that there won't be any sex involved, if it is a man.

But, really, you could find another single lady as long as you aren't looking for a sexual partner.

You could find a man half your age, as long as it wasn't romantic.

There won't be any commitment, but there will be someone to talk to and if you pick carefully, someone to help with the veggie garden and the canning.


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## Rick

You really just need to fill out your resume with this highlighted.

If it weren't for those pesky hormones, young people could build relationships such as the type that you are seeking.

There is a lot to be said for physical intimacy that is not based entirely on, you know...

Should you find that special someone, who would be surprised and relieved that you share his outlook on this, you may both astonish each other and get to home plate anyway, after sitting in the bleachers, picking the dandelions from the outfield grass, and feasting in the dining area, ignoring the game while making each other laugh.


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## CountryWannabe

Well, there ARE men who are not interested in a sexual relationship and yet have a strong commitment to their partner. I have a woman friend whose husband has not had any interest whatsoever for many years (despite her protestations) Apart from that they are very happy together. It is obvious he adores her and she him - just not any jiggy going on.:shrug:

Mary


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## Laura

Not Happening is a lot more prevalent than anyone suspects because many people, especially men, prefer to keep it a secret. Even men who are dating will do a lot of posturing, feigning and gaming until he trusts enough to share that info.

As people mature, there are many things that affect sex drive and performance. For men, dropping testosterone, high blood pressure and medications, diabetes, prostate health....

God made someone for everybody.


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## viggie

Shouldn't the real question be why you are seeking another "life partner" when you are married?


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## cindilu

Wait, another one on here is looking or not looking and married? I thought this was singletree?


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## newfieannie

I could be wrong but I don't think sis is married now. I do believe she lives with her brother and sister etc. and yes as Laura mentioned this type of relationship is much more prevalent than some would think. I myself had 2 marriages like that. ~Georgia.


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## starjj

Sisterpine is single now. I believe she means she has always been married most of her life. i believe it has just been a year since her divorce maybe less. BTW she makes great cabinet door handles out of rocks! I ordered 3 from her to go on a 3 drawer cabinet in my kitchen and they are gorgeous.


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## cindilu

Ah okay, wasn't sure which was which, LOL. How do you find out about the door handles? Rocks you say?


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## viggie

Ah thanks for the clarification. The post made me think otherwise...and really you can't be too sure around here lately!


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## starjj

http://www.montanasticksandstones.com/ Here is her website although I am not sure she still does this. They are pretty spectular. I couldn't afford a whole kitchen full but they compliment my other handles that have the rubbed bronze finish.


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## billooo2

sisterpine said:


> Hi, I have always been married but have found as I aged that sex is just no longer entering my brain, neitriendher is lust nor passion. Whether that be odd or not is not the issue. The issue is where do folks who are not interested in sexual intimacy go to find life partners? I don't consider myself a lesbian at this point nor do I prefer men (other than for their unique perspective). Whats a gal to do? I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone and would like a lifetime close friend relationshp with some kind of partner.


I have thought about this.......

Either you find a relationship based on friendship............or look for a 'live in' friend.

FBB used to post variations of similar possible situations. 

Where do you find such a person????........probably like any other situation, go to places or activities that you are interested in.......seminars, etc.

I don't think that either one is 'rare.'


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## Kiamichi Kid

All I can say is at this time in my life it would NOT be my choice of relationships.


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## cindilu

starjj said:


> http://www.montanasticksandstones.com/ Here is her website although I am not sure she still does this. They are pretty spectular. I couldn't afford a whole kitchen full but they compliment my other handles that have the rubbed bronze finish.


Oh my goodness, they are beautiful. A long time ago wasn't there someone in here posting jewelry they had made from beautiful stones? Is this the same person?


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## Pinetop Hunting

Im tellin ya sister pine.....a good dog and the Internet should meet your needs. Worse case scenario if things don't work out you can always shoot the dog and use the Internet to find a new one. Lol


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## Rick

Pinetop Hunting said:


> Im tellin ya sister pine.....a good dog and the Internet should meet your needs. Worse case scenario if things don't work out you can always shoot the dog and use the Internet to find a new one. Lol


A trolling we will go, a trolling we will go...


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## JohnnyLee

[youtube]evzcHcGtkRo[/youtube]


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## JohnnyLee

I cut the video a little close at the end, so the last word the turtle said is "machine", not mashy! lol


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## vicker

I'm going to share a little truth about myself with y'all. I'm 53, and have spent most of my life alone. I have dogs and other animals. I haven't had sexual relations with a woman in quite some time. Not because I couldn't, but because that will be a special person. I am not looking to procreate and that kind of drive just isn't there anymore, though it would be nice if it happened. It's a nice place to be. Now, a few years ago I had a sore bump on the back of my head. I couldn't see it, but it bothered me and I wondered what it was. I asked a lady at church who was a nurse to look at it for me, and she did. It was nothing, an ingrown hair or something, but, the feeling of someone gently touching my head made tears come to my eyes. It had been so long since I had just been touched in a loving way. It was beautiful. A dog is not going to do that  
Sister, just keep trudging on. There is someone.
ETA This is not something I have recently learned but, there are far greater things to be shared with another human being than sex.


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## Guest

vicker said:


> I'm going to share a little truth about myself with y'all. I'm 53, and have spent most of my life alone. I have dogs and other animals. I haven't had sexual relations with a woman in quite some time. Not because I couldn't, but because that will be a special person. I am not looking to procreate and that kind of drive just isn't there anymore, though it would be nice if it happened. It's a nice place to be. Now, a few years ago I had a sore bump on the back of my head. I couldn't see it, but it bothered me and I wondered what it was. I asked a lady at church who was a nurse to look at it for me, and she did. It was nothing, an ingrown hair or something, but, the feeling of someone gently touching my head made tears come to my eyes. It had been so long since I had just been touched in a loving way. It was beautiful. A dog is not going to do that
> Sister, just keep trudging on. There is someone.
> ETA This is not something I have recently learned but, there are far greater things to be shared with another human being than sex.


Simple human touch...it was what I missed the most for many years..


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## Terri in WV

There was someone awhile back that posted looking for a partner for an asexual relationship(from Pa., I believe), so there are people out there that are looking for that type of relationship.

I'm like Vicker. Been alone most of my life, I guess more by choice though as I haven't put myself out there to look for another relationship. Maybe one of these days I'll get more aggressive in my search as I miss intimacy. It would be really nice to have a shoulder to lean on once in a while too.


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## ET1 SS

There are people who are simply asexual. It happens. Both male and female.

I married a girl who is. It took me many years to finally understand it.

As it turns out there are lots of people like that. And support groups for those of us married to asexual people.

They have no desire, no drive for intimacy. And not much desire for companionship, outside of social status.

My career was mostly deployed, so it worked out okay-ish when I was working. When I was around, it was mostly for brief visits, before my next deployment.

Ideally it would be better if asexual people only hooked-up with other asexual people.
Instead of dragging sexual people into the mix.


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## Guest

I went without for a month once. I was just getting used to it. Then some big ole vampire in a van came down my driveway. Next thing you know I was nekkider than a corn patch in January. Still, I was never delusional, just getting used to it. Going for extended periods without sex will make you swell up and bust.


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## vicker

I am reminded of cleaning and clipping my father's toenails. It is ugly, it is disgusting, it is gross, it is...beautiful.


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## doingitmyself

I have had a relationship without sex. She was my best friend and sex would have wrecked that. 

But honestly when the day has been perfect, the meal excellent, the wine fine, the thought that sex is not even a possibility is just kind of sad to me. I don't have to have it, but i like to think when it all clicks that there COULD be a few more blissful moments to share. Just don't take it off the table, ya never know when the stars will align and things will just flow.

After a moment of pause i have more to add. It seems to me that most of us reach a point in life where the sex is just not enough, to be honest we never were looking for just sex. We were in fact looking for much more but SETTLED for sex and convenience. I would enjoy the company of a woman with similar interests and complimenting hobbies and interests, i still have an interest in sex, but it no longer drives me as it did when i was 50 and younger.


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## CountryWannabe

doingitmyself said:


> It seems to me that most of us reach a point in life where the sex is just not enough, to be honest we never were looking for just sex. We were in fact looking for much more but SETTLED for sex and convenience..


 
I could live without sex, but not without intimacy. Simple stuff like holding hands while watching TV, someone who will hold you when you are feeling down, someone who will be happy for you when something good happens, someone to laugh with when stupid stuff happens, someone to cry with when bad stuff happens. You get to know a person's heart as you grow together - you get each other's jokes and references, you can predict how an action or situation will affect them. It takes time to get to that stage of intimacy but, to me, it is worth it.

Mary


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## wyld thang

Just throwing this into the mix, The Ballad of Little Jo. One of my favorite movies, based on a true story. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ballad_of_Little_Jo


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## arcticow

WT, I be slow, but I ain't real sure how that applies...


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## Jaclynne

arcticow said:


> WT, I be slow, but I ain't real sure how that applies...


 
Me either, but it was a rather tragic story.

Maybe she means if you can live without sex you're tragic.


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## Guest

Pffft, that's nothing. If you got 2 m inutes, read this short story. True love between a female sheriff and a lesbian werewolf.
http://www.corrieweb.nl/dixie/bark.htm


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## JohnnyLee

Can't read that story, reminds me of my ex wife. She wasn't a lesbian, but probably not too far from it cause she had a crush on Pink (the pop star?), plus she worked as a jailer for the county we lived in. And that a true story.


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## cindilu

Hey now, I have a crush on Pink and I am not into girls. I just think Pink rocks in not only her voice but also in how she stands up in a hard way for what she believes and doesn't take carp off people. And have you checked out her muscles, I am green with envy.


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## JohnnyLee

There are a few songs that I like of hers, can't really recall any at the moment, but, I am not really into POP music that much. But I have to admit she is strong, and attractive, but too small for my tastes, I like bigger women, women that LOOK like women, ones that don't look like teen-aged boys or something. YUCK

:yuck:


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## Jaclynne

zong said:


> Pffft, that's nothing. If you got 2 m inutes, read this short story. True love between a female sheriff and a lesbian werewolf.
> http://www.corrieweb.nl/dixie/bark.htm


Well, that was different.


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## littlejoe

Sex, and the intamacy surrounding it, is something I don't want to do without! And I enjoy my aloneness as well? If I never find the one to share it with, till she takes my last breath...I'll hope a 30,40, or 500 year old jealous husband shoots me!


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## SimplerTimez

I am puzzled by the OP. (no offense SP) Intimacy is part of a healthy life. 

How can you have NO interest in sexuality? Maybe it is perspective, I'm not sure. Since Vicker opened this up to 'confessional' arena, I'll give mine. 

Since the death of my mate, this is the longest I've gone in life without a partner, intimate or otherwise. I don't care for it much. 

But.. (or should I say BUTT) my perspective has changed a tad. While I feel that intimacy is a vital part of a relationship, I must actually LIKE someone - I must connect intellectually, emotionally, and then...physically. I'm far too young to go without the rest of my life, nor do I WISH to. So what the OP writes, I'm not familiar with at all. 

If I simply wanted NSA, I could have that within...maybe ten minutes after a phone call. I want more. I cannot imagine not wanting intimacy, so I'm lost with the OP's feelings. I truly hope you that you rediscover your sensual self. No, intimacy is not the be-all, end-all like it was when we were younger. But I'll be ****** if I'm going to roll over and give up on that at this age. 

It's not difficult to find sex, that is everywhere. What I have a difficulty in finding is someone that is intellectually, emotionally and _then_ physically interesting. I am frustrated mostly because I can find the last, but I'll be hanged if I can find the first two. And it is the first two that actually make a long-term relationship doable. 

Things arise (or don't) due to age, health, physical issues, etc. So you must have the basis of friendship and liking the person to make do when there are bumps in the road. No matter how excited one gets, there must be something that leaves a 'sticktuitveness' that outlasts the other. 

I've been alone for this length of time because I cannot find the triumvirate of all of the above. I have male and female friends that find one, and then seek the others with other people. Perhaps I'm an optimist, but I believe I can find them all in one person. So far, that hasn't been the case, but I will not give up. 

I've waited a long time since the death of my husband to re-enter the dating world. All I can say about my adventures so far...is that I am consistently disappointed in the lack of depth of people in general. I may end up alone, but...'till then, I still will have some kind of hope for all of that I seek. Optimist? Maybe. But I will not settle...


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## nehimama

Atta Girl, ST. I feel quite the same! I sure do NOT want my intimate life to be over with, but hope to find someone whom I can like, TRUST and respect before I reveal that facet of myself! Though there have been several deeply disappointing "candidates", I remain somewhat optimistic.


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## wyld thang

Jaclynne said:


> Me either, but it was a rather tragic story.
> 
> Maybe she means if you can live without sex you're tragic.


um, no, not at all.

just sayin, human touch, whether physical or companionship or all of it may come from the unexpected directions and you open yourself up to profound connecting when you open yourself up.

I find the movie to be very inspiring and powerful, to muddle through one's life on one's own terms. But then I get that from Mileys twerking too(whether she intended that or not, that is not important, what is important in my bubble is that is the lesson I glean) so dont' take my word for it ha.


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## cindilu

ST, each time you write something from your heart I like you better and better. And I could not agree with you more. 100%. So for those of us who refuse to settle, we can keep each other company and continue to uplift each other with our words and actions.


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## wyld thang

The problem with "not settling" is that you find yourself eventually in a constant state of NO. NO is default setting, you forget your sense of YES.

And to head off those that will say I'm saying yes to abuse, NO. Ha. I said exactly what I said ^^^


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## billooo2

wyld thang said:


> The problem with "not settling" is that you find yourself eventually in a constant state of NO. NO is default setting, you forget your sense of YES.
> 
> And to head off those that will say I'm saying yes to abuse, NO. Ha. I said exactly what I said ^^^


Perhaps ........are you saying that people need to be willing to take a chance?????

It probably depends on the circumstances........perhaps some have worked very hard to 
get out of 'deep holes'........and they might feel that they either can't or don't want to take a chance of getting back into another 'hole.'

And some of us would rather be single than be in a bad marriage......:shrug:

Some of us have been 'fooled' before.....and don't want to take a chance of doing that again. :shrug:


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## cindilu

Good point as usual Wyld, because I am sure I am getting pretty close to the default setting of No. No is just sounding really really good to me right now. And when I vision myself as really really old I picture only one rocking chair on my porch, that and a good dog and good glass of sweet tea.


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## tinknal

Sis, could it be that your lack of interest comes from lack of stimulation? I'm at the age where I no longer need or think about it all the time but it doesn't take much to get my motor running. I suggest an experiment. You know what turns you on (or used to turn you on) apply a little of that stimulus. You might surprise yourself.


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## FarmboyBill

Only one rocking chair?? What do your friends set on?


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## wyld thang

I sit on her lap!


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## cindilu

Oh my goodness, Wyld, I just woke up and this was the first post I read. Thanks for making me laugh like a hyena. That just sounded funny. Good point, I might make it two rocking chairs just in case I have friends come to visit, LOL. Thanks for making my morning.


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## cindilu

tinknal said:


> Sis, could it be that your lack of interest comes from lack of stimulation? I'm at the age where I no longer need or think about it all the time but it doesn't take much to get my motor running. I suggest an experiment. You know what turns you on (or used to turn you on) apply a little of that stimulus. You might surprise yourself.



I know what turns on and I am not dead yet. Another good point, stay away, clear away from my turn ons, lol. :ashamed:

Right now my complete thought process is on how to dig a ditch and put in water and sewer lines, how to build a house, what color is the house going to be, where do I want to put my bathroom, then outside gardens, wood pile, grass etc. The list is going on and on. So for now that is where my head is. Then when it is all said and done because it will be my own blood sweat and tears getting put into it, there is no way I am going to lose it to some guy who thinks he wants his half out of the deal. Sorry, I will not go there again. Nope, one rocking chair for me and one rocking chair for Wyld when she wants to come and camp out and for others if they choose to as well.


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## wyld thang

Just a thought, but my house in oregon was built wired and plumbed but no electric lines to house, they just waited until the power came up the road(15 years) and then punched the well. Used a big gravity feed tank on the hill until then, they trucked in water and used rainwater too.


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## cindilu

Wyld, I am thinking bout using solar for power. But water and sewer is done through the city. It will cost me $3,000 to hook up which really isn't bad. Your water bill there is done on a flat rate of $60.00 a month and there is no limit to how much water you use. They tied it into the sewer so that rate also pays sewer. I about fell over when I found out because that is very very cheap. With no cap on how much water you use I am going to have a HUGE garden over there. I just need to figure out how to get the pipes in. My x boyfriend that lives in that area called the other night and offered the use of his back hoe, so that is a huge expense I won't be having to put out.


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## Bellyman

cindilu said:


> I know what turns on and I am not dead yet. Another good point, stay away, clear away from my turn ons, lol. :ashamed:
> 
> Right now my complete thought process is on how to dig a ditch and put in water and sewer lines, how to build a house, what color is the house going to be, where do I want to put my bathroom, then outside gardens, wood pile, grass etc. The list is going on and on. So for now that is where my head is. Then when it is all said and done because it will be my own blood sweat and tears getting put into it, there is no way I am going to lose it to some guy who thinks he wants his half out of the deal. Sorry, I will not go there again. Nope, one rocking chair for me and one rocking chair for Wyld when she wants to come and camp out and for others if they choose to as well.


There are two sides to that coin. Two people working together can often do more than twice what one person can do working alone. You're right, if you do all the work, you get all the credit. 

As someone who's been married to the love of my life for over a decade, been through natural disasters, deaths in the family, multiple moves and hardships together, I can't imagine building a homestead without her. There are things she's good at that I'm not. There are things I'm good at that she's not. And maybe the "fireworks" don't happen as often as they used to but they're still some -incredible- fireworks!!


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## wyld thang

billooo2 said:


> Perhaps ........are you saying that people need to be willing to take a chance?????
> 
> It probably depends on the circumstances........perhaps some have worked very hard to
> get out of 'deep holes'........and they might feel that they either can't or don't want to take a chance of getting back into another 'hole.'
> 
> And some of us would rather be single than be in a bad marriage......:shrug:
> 
> Some of us have been 'fooled' before.....and don't want to take a chance of doing that again. :shrug:


 
I been in about a deep a hole as one can be. Maybe the deepness and darkness of the hole revealed just how precious and bright being out of the hole really is. Life is short. People are imperfect, yet still full of God.

I know enough not to get into another hole. But I also know that hole taught me things I never would have learned spending my whole life not in a hole. 

#1 of things my motorcycle taught me: "When in doubt, throttle it out"

And here's another stick in the spokes, who says you have to be married? Best thing I ever did was give myself was license to love without the picket fence 3 cars and 2.5 kids.


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## wyld thang

The hardest hurdle to getting out of the hole? giving myself permission to get out of the hole if I wanted to.


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## Terri in WV

Bellyman said:


> There are two sides to that coin. Two people working together can often do more than twice what one person can do working alone. You're right, if you do all the work, you get all the credit.
> 
> As someone who's been married to the love of my life for over a decade, been through natural disasters, deaths in the family, multiple moves and hardships together, I can't imagine building a homestead without her. There are things she's good at that I'm not. There are things I'm good at that she's not. And maybe the "fireworks" don't happen as often as they used to but they're still some -incredible- fireworks!!


And the other side of the coin is, for a variety of reasons, folks here have had to forge their own path. I don't think that there's many that have chosen to be alone, but circumstances have made it so. We could sit around and wait for the "love's of our life's" or we can go about living and working towards our dream.


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## Bellyman

Terri in WV said:


> And the other side of the coin is, for a variety of reasons, folks here have had to forge their own path. I don't think that there's many that have chosen to be alone, but circumstances have made it so. We could sit around and wait for the "love's of our life's" or we can go about living and working towards our dream.


Point taken. I guess having seen both a bad marriage and a good one, it kinda tweaks something inside of me when "all spouses are out to take everything you have in the impending divorce" or "all marriages are abusive" or "all marriages end badly" voices start happening. Some are not good. Some end badly. But not all. Some are really good and "till death do us part" comes way too soon.

(changing gears)

Hey, I'm in south central Kentucky at the moment, too. Campbellsville, to be exact. Working a stint at Amazon. Love the people. Don't think much of the job. But it's putting a little cash in the bank. This part of Kentucky is a nice place, I like it. Took some getting used to with the idea that "tailgating" is the "normal driving pattern" here, but overall, great people.


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## doingitmyself

I work towards my goals everyday without much distraction except work. But it would be awesome to have someone in my life to share in the same or similar goals. Sometimes it just sucks to doingitmyself all the time. Mostly the hardest time for me is after its all done and I'm relaxing for the day. 

I do Astronomy, pottery, stained glass, water color painting and lots, and lots of other stuff, its much more fun to share or get a different perspective on something. Also nice to be part of something bigger than myself, plus i get tired of making all the decisions all the time!! 

I did not mean for that to sound like a personal ad, but its true.'m pathetic at times! gre:


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## JohnnyLee

Never had any A-Sexual relationships.

Had some really UN-USUAL relationships, though. Like the girl that was bi-polar. I had to keep asking her if I was speaking to the "nice" person or the "not-so-nice-cuss-you-out-in-a-heartbeat-for-no-freaking-reason" person.

Then there was the one that I dated for only about a month. She claimed she only got drunk on Friday nights, but then after knowing her a few weeks, I found out that EVERY night was FRIDAY NIGHT to her! lol That was fun! (not!)

And a few others that will remain nameless for reasons I don't really care to go into any more! lol


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## Bast

You can be asexual but heteromantic as it's been explained to me. I understand wanting the company, but not wanting to have to wrassle around in the bed to have it.

There is an actual Asexual dating site. Maybe you should try there?


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## Terri in WV

JohnnyLee said:


> Had some really UN-USUAL relationships, though. Like the girl that was bi-polar. I had to keep asking her if I was speaking to the "nice" person or the "not-so-nice-cuss-you-out-in-a-heartbeat-for-no-freaking-reason" person.


Having been in a similar situation, I find it hard to believe that you'd have to ask that!


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## JohnnyLee

LOL! Well, I never really ASKED it, or the bad one would come out! I just always wondered which was was calling/texting me! lol


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## Guest

She said she was bipolar, and I didn't mind if she went both ways. But with bears?? That's just wrong. Dangerous, too.


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## sherry in Maine

Hi Zong! How ya doing?


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## tinknal

I was with a gal for awhile who would be a witch all day long just so I'd beat the crap out of her at night. Of course I never did, not being that way. She finally had to ask for it.

I always was clueless with women.................


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## SimplerTimez

cindilu said:


> ST, each time you write something from your heart I like you better and better. And I could not agree with you more. 100%. So for those of us who refuse to settle, we can keep each other company and continue to uplift each other with our words and actions.


Thanks Cindilu. Iâve been in a very serious introspective phase lately (what else is new!?!) I got my head turned so hard I darn near got whiplash several months ago; the first time really since my husband died. And then, it just went awry somehow. So Iâm trying to figure that out. Itâs easy for me to get hurt because, well, itâs been a long, long time since Iâve done anything remotely close to dating. 

Due to my personal life history, I am finding that I donât move in the same way a lot of people do. I think I really just need friendship first, a long getting to know someone period. I mean, if it doesnât move to a relationship, then youâve still got a friend, right? Gives one time to flesh out the emotional depth and breadth of a person, intellectual connection, how many similar interests you have and what not. Thereâs not a lot of homesteading focused people down here in my area â mostly retired, condo-living, golf-playing dudes. Thatâs just not me. So it will probably have to be long distance, and that brings its own share of particular problems. 

For me, if you throw the sexy bits in there I get all kinds of distractedâ¦lol! Itâs like, shiny nickel syndrome or something. Perhaps due to the length of my singleness this has become a little problematic, and as Vicker referenced in his thoughtful post early on, the lack of human touch? Well, it gets to you. My children probably wish Iâd hurry up and find someone to date so Iâd quit hugging them all of the time, LOL! Thatâs about my only realm of touch these days. And to be touched by someone emotionally? That can nearly reduce me to tears. Iâm just really a bundle of emotions walking around with the most stringent self-control I can possibly manage, trying not to get hurt.

I miss the patter and interaction of a marriage. That is terribly different than dating though. I like daily interaction, conversation. Iâve not mastered those differences yet. Itâs difficult to get used to the quiet, although it has its benefits too. It also lacks risk. Iâm in that weird place where Iâm no longer sure that the risk of getting hurt outweighs the potential relationship opportunity. This last/first one kind of scalded me and Iâm a bit gun-shy now.

But Iâll press on again one day, once my skin gets thickened up a bit again. Maybe I need some heart callouses?  Weâll all hang together and encourage one another, so we can dance at each otherâs weddings should those happen â or, have a big bonfire with good hooch and commiserate about another one bites the dust, lol! No matter what, weâll all make it through â this living bit, itâs a tough thing, you know?

~ST


----------



## nehimama

Plannin' a Halloween bonfire here! Anyone up for that?


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## vicker

I sure would be interested. Alas, there is no way I can get away. Maybe we can share bonfire photos


----------



## TRellis

JohnnyLee said:


> Never had any A-Sexual relationships.
> 
> Had some really UN-USUAL relationships, though. Like the girl that was bi-polar. I had to keep asking her if I was speaking to the "nice" person or the "not-so-nice-cuss-you-out-in-a-heartbeat-for-no-freaking-reason" person.
> 
> Then there was the one that I dated for only about a month. She claimed she only got drunk on Friday nights, but then after knowing her a few weeks, I found out that EVERY night was FRIDAY NIGHT to her! lol That was fun! (not!)
> 
> And a few others that will remain nameless for reasons I don't really care to go into any more! lol


LOL.... I know both of those young ladies (or at least their doppelgangers). 

Only saw the "nice" version of the bi-polar one for the first 6 months or so. Then it was the "she-devil" version for about 2 years. She went on vacation for a week with some friends and I moved out. Poof!!! Gone!!! 

Her own sister and nephew helped me escape. Never understood why I put up with it so long.

The drunk one would knock on my bedroom window in a drunken stupor all of the time so as not to wake up my room mate. She never did not wake up my roomie!

TRellis


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## Fair Light

I know a couple married 25 years... She tells me they haven't had sex in over 5 years.... She says they are very affectionate with lots of cuddling and intimacy... But no sex.. He told her that he just doesn't see her in that light anymore...I think he is cheating because he has in the past... Sex isn't everything....especially when you are older...but really?? None at all??..I guess they have an "A-sexual" marriage... Personally I do miss sex.. But I miss just being held even more...there is something vital about intimate human touch...


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## JohnnyLee

I feel your pain TRellis. At least I was kind of lucky, the drunk one lived one town over and by the time she got around to bothering me, she was too drunk to drive over to my house! lol BUT then she would call and want to text or chat all night - I ain't got not time for that! lol

I am very compassionate, and I like to help people. But then sometimes it gets in the situation where I think that they can fix themselves, or I can help fix them, but they won't change no matter what anyone does, until they FINALLY realize themselves that THEY have a problem, and only then can they realize that THEY are the only ones that can change themselves.


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## Oxankle

How old are you people????? I'll be eighty two on Sunday, and the thought of living without a woman in my house would drive me insane very quickly. 

Sex or no sex, human companionship beats hell out of keeping a dog, and sex is the ace in the deck. 

Just remember that foreplay, from puberty until death, starts at least 24 hours before you get down to business if you expect whole-hearted cooperation. You cannot treat your partner like an accessory, a slave or a farm implement and then expect a warm reception when you ask for favors.


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## Bast

Oxankle said:


> How old are you people????? I'll be eighty two on Sunday, and the thought of living without a woman in my house would drive me insane very quickly.
> 
> Sex or no sex, human companionship beats hell out of keeping a dog, and sex is the ace in the deck.
> 
> Just remember that foreplay, from puberty until death, starts at least 24 hours before you get down to business if you expect whole-hearted cooperation. * You cannot treat your partner like an accessory, a slave or a farm implement and then expect a warm reception when you ask for favors.*



I think that is exactly what killed any urge I had for sex ever again. It just feels like a dreadful unpleasant duty that must be performed until now that I am finally divorced, I don't even have a sex drive anymore. I sit back and think about it now and then. "Do I want a companion? But, do I want to be at someone's beck and call anymore? Do I want to be treated like a walking womb again?" And the answer is always no. Honestly, I have had a couple of guys try to talk to me over the years and it actually makes me feel nervous and a little sick to the stomach. Yea, I know I'm weird, but so what....lol


----------



## SimplerTimez

Oxankle said:


> <snip>
> 
> Just remember that foreplay, from puberty until death, starts at least 24 hours before you get down to business if you expect whole-hearted cooperation. You cannot treat your partner like an accessory, a slave or a farm implement and then expect a warm reception when you ask for favors.


Could we get that in larger type and plastered on billboards? Kudos to you, and no wonder you're happily married!
Not that there isn't a place for an enjoyable um, snatch and grab from time to time, but what you wrote above, pure gold.

~ST


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## Terri in WV

Well, Ox, I'm going to be 50 in a couple of months and the thought of having a man underfoot 24/7 would be enough to drive me insane very quickly and your last statement is exactly why I feel that way. 

Do I want another relationship? Yes, but I want one where we each have our own place/space or at least a breezeway separating the two.  Having been married, I learned that I prefer to sleep alone. And I'm not talking about not having intimacy, I'm talking actual sleep. Maybe it'd be different with another man, but I doubt it. I like having a bed to myself and not being disturbed when I'm trying to grab some zzz's.


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## Bellyman

Bast said:


> I think that is exactly what killed any urge I had for sex ever again. It just feels like a dreadful unpleasant duty that must be performed until now that I am finally divorced, I don't even have a sex drive anymore. I sit back and think about it now and then. "Do I want a companion? But, do I want to be at someone's beck and call anymore? Do I want to be treated like a walking womb again?" And the answer is always no. Honestly, I have had a couple of guys try to talk to me over the years and it actually makes me feel nervous and a little sick to the stomach. Yea, I know I'm weird, but so what....lol


With the relationship you've described, you've never been married the way I think marriage was intended.

If your whole world of food revolved around a form of gruel that was tasteless and bland and had nothing desirable about it's appearance, texture or taste, you'd not exactly be telling people about the joys of food. You'd eat only enough to survive and not a drop more. You'd look forward to the day when you didn't have to eat anymore. And when someone put you on a liquid diet that maybe was at least a little better texture but the same appearance and taste, you'd probably like it better thinking you'd made an improvement in life.

I think I understand how it happens with the marriage seeming like such a drudgery. It doesn't have to be that way but in some cases is / was. And that's so sad when it can be so much more. When you speak of a marriage in terms of "beck and call", "walking womb", that kind of thing, it's a bit like me comparing a 4 or 5 course home cooked meal straight from the garden to the gruel above. Different world. I'm just so sad for those who never experience the real thing. Sex is only one little piece of it. It's a good piece. But I wouldn't want it if the rest of the relationship wasn't there. Been there, done that. I want it all!


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## nehimama

Terri in WV said:


> Well, Ox, I'm going to be 50 in a couple of months and the thought of having a man underfoot 24/7 would be enough to drive me insane very quickly and your last statement is exactly why I feel that way.
> 
> Do I want another relationship? Yes, but I want one where we each have our own place/space or at least a breezeway separating the two.  Having been married, I learned that I prefer to sleep alone. And I'm not talking about not having intimacy, I'm talking actual sleep. Maybe it'd be different with another man, but I doubt it. I like having a bed to myself and not being disturbed when I'm trying to grab some zzz's.


I believe it may have been Katherine Hepburn who said, "Live close by; visit often". LOL! Suits me & I'm workin' on it!!!


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## Oxankle

LOL; when you are young and full of zip and ginger, and when you weigh 160 pounds with a wife that is so thin that she looks like a thermometer if you give her a strawberry soda, sleep is not a problem. Now, even with a big bed it is sometimes better to go to bed together for pillow talk and giggles, then get up and go to another bed.


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## NickieL

I could hook ya up with my x.......lol......you won't ever have to worry about even hugs or kisses.


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## chamoisee

There are men, good men, who either cannot have sex due to surgery or health issues, or simply aren't interested in it. I don't know where to find them, but to be honest, I haven't looked, either.


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## vicker

Well, look what the cat drug in. Hello, stranger.


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## chamoisee

Hey there!


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## chamoisee

Bast said:


> I think that is exactly what killed any urge I had for sex ever again. It just feels like a dreadful unpleasant duty that must be performed until now that I am finally divorced, I don't even have a sex drive anymore. I sit back and think about it now and then. "Do I want a companion? But, do I want to be at someone's beck and call anymore? Do I want to be treated like a walking womb again?" And the answer is always no. Honestly, I have had a couple of guys try to talk to me over the years and it actually makes me feel nervous and a little sick to the stomach. Yea, I know I'm weird, but so what....lol


Bast, I understand completely. I thought I might swear off men for life (in reality it was only about a year and a half). The trauma issues were extreme. I finally did find a truly good, kind man who recognizes that my body is *mine* and that sharing it is a beautiful thing, not some kind of a "right" that he has. It took him a long time to earn my trust, and I still sometimes get triggered. As far as other men go....I don't know if I could. This one seems to be more of a notable exception than a reintroduction to men in general.


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## FarmboyBill

You say shareing your body is a beautiful thang. What do you consider sharing his is?? lol


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## chamoisee

Sigh. I said that he recognizes that sharing my body is a beautiful thing, as opposed to some god-given right. If it were common to find the reverse mentality among men, where men are unwillingly coerced into sex every day or two, by their women, because the women say that God told them the man's body is their "right", then it would make more sense to turn the rest of that around, too. 

And yes, thanks to the decency, kindness and humanity of this man, sharing his body IS a beautiful thing, because it is a *choice* rather than an obligation or something forced on me.


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## bowdonkey

Oh my, this has been a highly entertaining post.


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## Bast

chamoisee said:


> Bast, I understand completely. I thought I might swear off men for life (in reality it was only about a year and a half). The trauma issues were extreme. I finally did find a truly good, kind man who recognizes that my body is *mine* and that sharing it is a beautiful thing, not some kind of a "right" that he has. It took him a long time to earn my trust, and I still sometimes get triggered. As far as other men go....I don't know if I could. This one seems to be more of a notable exception than a reintroduction to men in general.



It's been since about 2005 for me and I don't see the situation changing any time soon. I'm about to move to my own little homestead after Thanksgiving and I doubt if Fedex is going to drop any good men for me in a nice big box. :run: Heheh! I love that little emoticon!


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## Bellyman

Bast said:


> It's been since about 2005 for me and I don't see the situation changing any time soon. I'm about to move to my own little homestead after Thanksgiving and I doubt if Fedex is going to drop any good men for me in a nice big box. :run: Heheh! I love that little emoticon!


LOL!! Ya never know. Sometimes when ya give up, things happen that you weren't expecting, that you didn't plan, and that you couldn't make happen if you tried.

Just sayin'.


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## doingitmyself

Forcible sex is called rape. Coerced sex is manipulation. The "it's my right" attitude about sex is a misinterpretation of the bible and blasphemy. If you are in that kind of relationship, you need to exit the relationship and seek consoling to determine why you yield to such demands.:smack

We all need others at different times in our lives for different reasons. That's how we were made. Anyone that believes they are emotionally totally self sufficient with no outside needs of others is a few bricks short of a full load. Modern advertising media would have you think sex is the driving force in our society today. Its NOT. At least not to balanced individuals looking for honest and true love. :clap:


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## Oxankle

Sex was a "right" when women were chattels, but that went away long ago. Further, even then no sensible man took advantage of his "right". It is so easy to do the small things that keep a woman happy and receptive. The rewards are far greater than the small investments of time and treasure required--

Men, get in the habit of courting your woman every day. You keep them the same way you catch them. Listen to her--she'll tell you what is needed to keep her singing while she makes breakfast.


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## Terri

Back when needing each other to survive was the main route to survival, BOTH sexes had "rights". 

Because, without each other both would have died. The men could not hunt AND dry food at the same time(the local carnivores would have taken the drying meat, the raccoons the corn, and so forth) and the women had the same problem. Women also could not be in two places at once. And, if they teamed up with the same gender few children would have been born.

Those "rights" have changed since the days of the Black Death. Men no longer have the right to buy their wife from her father or to have sex with their wife whenever they want it, and women no longer HAVE to get married in order to have a source of food and clothing.

Things have changed, in my mind for the better.


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## Grumpy old man

Oxankle said:


> Sex was a "right" when women were chattels, but that went away long ago. Further, even then no sensible man took advantage of his "right". It is so easy to do the small things that keep a woman happy and receptive. The rewards are far greater than the small investments of time and treasure required--
> 
> Men, get in the habit of courting your woman every day. You keep them the same way you catch them. Listen to her--she'll tell you what is needed to keep her singing while she makes breakfast.


:frypan: She keeps singing because I'm the one making breakfast ! :frypan:


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## FarmboyBill

Im going to the sale Sat if it don't rain, mainly to look at women and find a nice outdoor swing or rocker. IF I get lucky, ill talk to one or two. Nothing will be tried tried, nothing will be wanted. That's about all I want/need as far as interaction goes.


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## Terri in WV

doingitmyself said:


> Anyone that believes they are emotionally totally self sufficient with no outside needs of others is a few bricks short of a full load.



I guess I'm more than a few bricks shy then.  I've always had to be the strong one and have never had anyone to rely on for emotional support. I'm not sure how I'd react if I were to have it now...


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## sisterpine

I had forgotten where I placed this post since I don't come to the singles discussions very often. I just read every single reply...thank you all.

I have been divorced, what...about two and a half years after a long marriage. There are definitely parts of the marriage I miss and those I don't. I did miss the intimacy that vanished from my relationship with my husband. The close sharing of thoughts and ideas, holding hands and talking for hours. Spooning on a cold night.

It seemed that every time we were both in bed awake I felt like I was expected to provide sexual intimacy that I did not desire. I wanted to fulfill this part of my marriage vow but the desire just was not there. It may have been the antidepressant I was taking or just that I gained weight and disliked myself. Who knows really.

I don't mind being alone in life (I have other family that I am "with") I do want someone close to me...preferably a male...someone to laugh and cry with. To make a life with. I just do not know if my "sexual" side will ever be switched back on. It has been off for a very long time now. .

I did try to date one man but all he wanted to do was touch me and I felt nothing for him at all so it grossed me out. Now I feel like I am hiding out, away from life cause I am chicken?????


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## Laura

I didn't think my sexual side would or could be switched on. I thought the X killed it for good, it was dead for many, many years.

Then I met Hayseed. 3 months later he kissed me. I cannot imagine any other man kissing me or touching my body. Being skin to skin with his arms around me makes everything right in my world.


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## sisterpine

Laura, I will pray for such an experience as it would be so nice to feel that way.


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## nehimama

Laura said:


> I didn't think my sexual side would or could be switched on. I thought the X killed it for good, it was dead for many, many years.
> 
> Then I met Hayseed. 3 months later he kissed me. I cannot imagine any other man kissing me or touching my body. Being skin to skin with his arms around me makes everything right in my world.


Oh, yes! The skin-to-skin contact! In my book, one of the most important, amazing, and comforting in the spectrum of Human Contact!


----------



## Laura

> I did try to date one man but all he wanted to do was touch me and I felt nothing for him at all so it grossed me out. Now I feel like I am hiding out, away from life cause I am chicken?????


Yeah it's gross having a stranger pawing on you, trying to lay slobbers or making sexually familiar comments! Tell them to go buy a hooker, they're used to sex with strangers and have a fair exchange rate. NO trust, respect or relationship necessary. They can act out all they can afford.

Or set the boundary on them more gently. :shrug: 

There are men who want Relationship. Some already know how to get there with you, others have to be taught. It takes time to learn if he's teachable.


----------



## arcticow

Laura said:


> Yeah it's gross having a stranger pawing on you, trying to lay slobbers or making sexually familiar comments! Tell them to go buy a hooker, they're used to sex with strangers and have a fair exchange rate. NO trust, respect or relationship necessary. They can act out all they can afford.
> 
> Or set the boundary on them more gently. :shrug:
> 
> There are men who want Relationship. Some already know how to get there with you, others have to be taught. It takes time to learn if he's teachable.


Not pot stirring, but again with the "teachable" comments... at least the word used was not "trainable"...


----------



## Laura

arcticow said:


> Not pot stirring, but again with the "teachable" comments... at least the word used was not "trainable"...


 We teach people how to treat us. I'm not sure which word or method you suggest for dealing with men who don't know how to be gentlemen.


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## arcticow

Not so much a word as a different style. We could (both sexes) communicate our needs and desires from a position of equals. Much less patronizing than assuming the role of teacher OR trainer. If a relationship begins with one automatically assuming a superior position, where can it go?


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## billooo2

arcticow said:


> Not so much a word as a different style. We could (both sexes) communicate our needs and desires from a position of equals. Much less patronizing than assuming the role of teacher OR trainer. If a relationship begins with one automatically assuming a superior position, where can it go?


Perhaps......."learning" about each other........maybe a 2-way process, as opposed to a one-way process......

Especially when viewed from a long range perspective...........we all change over time, so we constantly need to be learning about one another........

Bill.......just thinking


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## Nevada

How about a relationship without romance? Without friendship? Without common interests? With separate finances?

For that matter, how about a relationship without seeing each other?

What's the point?


----------



## Terri

Nevada said:


> What's the point?


I believe the point would be warmth, and caring, and companionship.


----------



## Nevada

Terri said:


> I believe the point would be warmth, and caring, and companionship.


That could be met with a pet. You aren't describing sharing a life with someone in an adult relationship.

This is something I've dealt with since high school. Some women seem to be preoccupied with limiting relationships on their own terms. What it boils down to is getting as much as they can while giving up as little as they can.

This typically manifested itself with the question, "Can't we just be friends?" Of course she didn't really want to just hang out with me and the guys, what she wanted was all of the rights and privileges of a dating relationship, even including romantic side, without having to deal with anything sexual. The answer is, "No, I don't just want to be friends." I don't date my friends, and I'm offended that a woman would even suggest such a thing. The 'can't we just be friends' line is a ploy to use men, and I refuse to be used.

The OP isn't ready for a relationship at this time. I'm sorry for that, and I hope she resolves her personal problems sooner rather than later. All I can suggest is that this is part of how nature encourages us to recover from emotional distress. We miss a lot without having a full adult relationship. If you think you can limit an adult relationship to the things you are ready for then you are mistaken. That's not how relationships work.


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## Terri

Nevada, I disagree with every sentance you have just said.


----------



## Nevada

Terri said:


> Nevada, I disagree with every sentance you have just said.


Sorry, but that's the reality.

She can probably find someone willing to engage is a limited relationship like that, but it would have to be with someone with similar problems. While the two of them might find a lot of common ground in suffering from similar problems, they will most likely heal at different rates. When that happens they will grow apart, which could make matters worse for one of them.

It's clear to me that the OP isn't interested in a full relationship because she isn't ready yet. The answer to that is not a limited relationship, but to wait until she's ready.

If it's any comfort to you, a lot of men consider limited relationships also. That's how brothels stay in business. But it would be an unusual man who made a life of visiting brothels. Even Charile Harper on 2 1/2 Men wanted a full relationship with a woman, and he considered himself a hard case.


----------



## billooo2

Nevada said:


> Sorry, but that's the reality.
> 
> She can probably find someone willing to engage is a limited relationship like that, but it would have to be with someone with similar problems. While the two of them might find a lot of common ground in suffering from similar problems, they will most likely heal at different rates. When that happens they will grow apart, which could make matters worse for one of them.
> 
> It's clear to me that the OP isn't interested in a full relationship because she isn't ready yet. The answer to that is not a limited relationship, but to wait until she's ready.
> 
> If it's any comfort to you, a lot of men consider limited relationships also. That's how brothels stay in business. But it would be an unusual man who onship with a woman, and he considered himself a hard case.


Am I missing something here???

Are you saying that there is only one kind of relationship that is possible between members of the opposite sex???

Why would you say that?? 

Is it possible that is the only kind of relationship that you have wanted??????

I find it very interesting that you appear to equate your opinion with "reality." :shrug:


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## arcticow

With all due respect, I was unaware that anyone had ordained you as arbiter of what constituted normal adult relationships. Thank you for the dubious benefit of your judgmental declamations, Nevada...


----------



## Nevada

billooo2 said:


> Are you saying that there is only one kind of relationship that is possible between members of the opposite sex???


I suppose we have all sorts of relationships in our lives. For example, I have a relationship with my next door neighbor and it doesn't involve sex, money, or even romance. But I wouldn't call it a committed relationship. She's just the lady who lives next door.

But a committed relationship is another matter. I suppose some older couples to lose the interest or ability to have sex, but for young healthy people I'd have to say that's just what they do. While I haven't been in everybody's bedroom to monitor activities, I can't say that I'm aware of any couple I know who doesn't engage in sex. As I said, that's just what healthy people do.

Possible? Yes. But I'm not aware that I know anybody like that.


----------



## frogmammy

Couldn't we have waited until December for a thread to go South?

EVERYONE's reality is different. Period.

Mon


----------



## arcticow

Conceded, Mon. I apologize for untowardness.


----------



## Guest

I would never presume to offer an opinion concerning what ALL people do in their bedrooms.. Nevada.... Your milage may vary.


----------



## Nevada

frogmammy said:


> EVERYONE's reality is different. Period.


Maybe, but I'm speaking from experience. I've been there myself when I lost my wife to cancer. I tried alternative limited relationships with damaged people. Trust me; it's not the answer.

She'll get better.


----------



## Terri in WV

Asexual may be her normal, so she'd have no need to "get better". I have known quite a few women of varying ages that have NO interest in sex, in any form, at any time. I've also known women that want sex all of the time. There are extremes on both sides of just about anything. It's just a matter of finding someone that has the same desires as what you want. "Normal" varies among each person.


----------



## Terri

Nevada said:


> What it boils down to is getting as much as they can while giving up as little as they can.


Nevada, very few women are the manipulative, greedy people that you have described. 

The fact is, a woman (or especially a teenaged girl) might be attracted to more than one fellow and act flirtatiously because she thinks the guy she is talking to or dating is cute, but that does not mean that she will sleep with all ninety-eleven guys at the same time. If she refuses a man she has not been playing mind games with him: she has simply decided not to sleep with him. She is being selective.

As for the OP, not every man or woman is into sex. And many who would love it simply cannot, which is why Viagra is such a hit! It does not work for everybody, though. 

I agree that the OP has not finished healing, but I would think that shutting herself off from the male gender will not help her heal.


----------



## FarmboyBill

In reply to your first line Terri. I bet you havnt had as many negative encounters with women as we men have lol


----------



## billooo2

Nevada said:


> Maybe, but I'm speaking from experience. I've been there myself when I lost my wife to cancer. I tried alternative limited relationships with damaged people. Trust me; it's not the answer.
> 
> She'll get better.



Why would you have ANY expectations when having a relationship with a "damaged" person???

I can't help but wonder........if someone does not want a 'relationship' with you.......or the relationship does not 'work out'...........do you just proclaim the other person to be "damaged???"

I find it 'enlightening' that you appear to equate YOUR 'experience' with reality for everyone else. :shrug:


----------



## Laura

My what a Frog Salad!


----------



## am1too

sisterpine said:


> Hi, I have always been married but have found as I aged that sex is just no longer entering my brain, neither is lust nor passion. Whether that be odd or not is not the issue. The issue is where do folks who are not interested in sexual intimacy go to find life partners? I don't consider myself a lesbian at this point nor do I prefer men (other than for their unique perspective). Whats a gal to do? I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone and would like a lifetime close friend relationshp with some kind of partner.


Beats me. All I can find are people who only are interested in sex or don't want any kind of a partnership. Guess it is a fine how are you - I'm fine thanks relationships I'm ever going to find. Lots of people seem to be running and hiding because of past bad relationships. In marriage what does love have to do with it anyway?

I don't much visit single forums because I can't seem to find or get discussion about relationships. Get lots of things like friends with benefits. That would be an undesirable relationship for me.

One lady tells me how good and holy she is while also telling me about the notches she has. Life is just amazing.


----------



## am1too

vicker said:


> I'm going to share a little truth about myself with y'all. I'm 53, and have spent most of my life alone. I have dogs and other animals. I haven't had sexual relations with a woman in quite some time. Not because I couldn't, but because that will be a special person. I am not looking to procreate and that kind of drive just isn't there anymore, though it would be nice if it happened. It's a nice place to be. Now, a few years ago I had a sore bump on the back of my head. I couldn't see it, but it bothered me and I wondered what it was. I asked a lady at church who was a nurse to look at it for me, and she did. It was nothing, an ingrown hair or something, but, the feeling of someone gently touching my head made tears come to my eyes. It had been so long since I had just been touched in a loving way. It was beautiful. A dog is not going to do that
> Sister, just keep trudging on. There is someone.
> ETA This is not something I have recently learned but, there are far greater things to be shared with another human being than sex.


Yeah I get puppy love marks all the time. At least they're always glad to see me and aren't doing thing behind my back.


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## am1too

ET1 SS said:


> There are people who are simply asexual. It happens. Both male and female.
> 
> I married a girl who is. It took me many years to finally understand it.
> 
> As it turns out there are lots of people like that. And support groups for those of us married to asexual people.
> 
> They have no desire, no drive for intimacy. And not much desire for companionship, outside of social status.
> 
> My career was mostly deployed, so it worked out okay-ish when I was working. When I was around, it was mostly for brief visits, before my next deployment.
> 
> Ideally it would be better if asexual people only hooked-up with other asexual people.
> Instead of dragging sexual people into the mix.


Sure as long as that isn't focus or basis of the relationship.


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## CountryWannabe

Nevada said:


> How about a relationship without romance? Without friendship? Without common interests? With separate finances?


I think that is more a business arrangement...

Mary


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## Bellyman

Any relationship between any two unique people will be unique to those two people. As a for instance, the relationship between my first wife and myself was nearly "father/daughter" at times and I had very little interest in sex. Just wasn't interested. The relationship that would have made sex fun and fulfilling and pleasurable just wasn't there. (And yes, even for men, there are more important things than sex and some of us don't want it without the relationship that is the basis for the real intimacy.)

My current (and forever, God willing) wife and I enjoy a completely different relationship. We're mates in every sense of the word. And the physical intimacy is incredible, including sex. But that's only one small part of the relationship. And that part of the relationship doesn't stand on it's own. It's the icing on the cake, not the whole meal. It happens because we BOTH want it. No, it's not as often as it was when we were first married. But it's ALWAYS good. It changes some over time as we can't do that marathon sessions we used to. But it does not get boring or old. In general, we take care of each other's needs and desires. It's not about "me". And in doing things that way, we both get an incredible experience.

So if something didn't work with one person, don't equate that experience to all other possible experiences. Just doesn't work that way. 

Just the thought that came to mind...


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## willow_girl

> I finally did find a truly good, kind man who recognizes that my body is *mine* and that sharing it is a beautiful thing, not some kind of a "right" that he has. It took him a long time to earn my trust, and I still sometimes get triggered. As far as other men go....I don't know if I could. This one seems to be more of a notable exception than a reintroduction to men in general.


Wow. I have been with dozens of men, and never encountered a single one who believed he had a "right" to my body, or to sex when it wasn't mutually desirable. I have never been pressured to have sex when I didn't want to.

I wonder if the sense of entitlement you describe has some basis in religious belief? The nonreligious men I've been with have been respectful!


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## doingitmyself

Most people agree that sex is just sex, it is nothing more and nothing less. While not necessarily bad it can be excellent or it can be um... meaningless. Plus, the act of sex has very little in common with the act of making love. By most peoples measure, two people truly in love, making love with each other will beat any sex anytime. 

Many folks through their entire lives rarely actually experience the act of love making. And when some do experience it they will wreck it because its so foreign and exposing to them. Past relationships and negative experiences creep into their minds to the point of sabotaging their current relationships. I believe that helps explain the widely varied experiences and interpretations of sexual relationships represented here in this thread.


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## Terri in WV

willow_girl said:


> Wow. I have been with dozens of men, and never encountered a single one who believed he had a "right" to my body, or to sex when it wasn't mutually desirable. I have never been pressured to have sex when I didn't want to.
> 
> I wonder if the sense of entitlement you describe has some basis in religious belief? The nonreligious men I've been with have been respectful!


You're lucky.

The religious aspect didn't play a part in my hubs entitlement mentality, it was his narcissistic nature that did. He thought since he was the one working(by his choice, he didn't want me to), he thought that he should get what he wanted, when he wanted it. And yes, he flat out said that, but in more blunt/vulgar terms. It wasn't just with intimacy either, but with everything.


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## doingitmyself

Teri that just sucks. Some "men" need to realise you don't really get the good stuff until the woman is emotionally comfortable, secure, and ready enough to freely give it up. If its forced or required you only get what you demand, and women are capable of sooooo much more than that. Some will never learn.


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## Nevada

doingitmyself said:


> Teri that just sucks. Some "men" need to realise you don't really get the good stuff until the woman is emotionally comfortable, secure, and ready enough to freely give it up. If its forced or required you only get what you demand, and women are capable of sooooo much more than that. Some will never learn.


Would you consider it fair for me to ask that my needs be met in a relationship, but my partner can just wait and see about her needs? I really don't see how a one-sided relationship like that is going to work.


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## Laura

doingitmyself said:


> Teri that just sucks. Some "men" need to realise you don't really get the good stuff until the woman is emotionally comfortable, secure, and ready enough to freely give it up. If its forced or required you only get what you demand, and women are capable of sooooo much more than that. Some will never learn.


 Thing is, some males don't care, or don't care to know. Males who confuse First Date with Relationship, or confuse Date with Sure Thing creep us out and turn us off. Saying yes to a date does not mean I want to be groped and stroked and pawed. If I give you a good-night kiss on the cheek, do not turn and shove your tongue down my throat and start humping. Do not blow up my phone with messages how you can still "taste" the kiss. 

How most women deal with these males is to ignore and avoid any future contact. Then these boys wonder why they never get past 1st date in their search for a "good woman." They don't know what "Friend Zone" means.

The Bible says the unteachable are fools.

I don't have an issue with telling males WHY there won't be a 1st or 2nd dates with me. I don't have an issue with telling a male to please not touch me, remove his arm, offer him hospital or jail.......

I found responding honestly to males propositioning me for sex, most will respect it. Some will clean up their act and come around again and try relationship.

There are Men who know how to build relationships. These are the ones we "Good Women" want. They eventually get all the goodies.


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## Terri in WV

doingitmyself said:


> Teri that just sucks. Some "men" need to realise you don't really get the good stuff until the woman is emotionally comfortable, secure, and ready enough to freely give it up. If its forced or required you only get what you demand, and women are capable of sooooo much more than that. Some will never learn.


It's good that some men understand, thanks for that. And yes, it did suck. It wasn't always that way with him though. It was only in the last couple of years of our relationship(11+yrs total) that it went completely south with his mental breakdown.

And Nevada, it wasn't a one sided relationship.


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## Guest

Terri in WV said:


> You're lucky.
> 
> The religious aspect didn't play a part in my hubs entitlement mentality, it was his narcissistic nature that did. He thought since he was the one working(by his choice, he didn't want me to), he thought that he should get what he wanted, when he wanted it. And yes, he flat out said that, but in more blunt/vulgar terms. It wasn't just with intimacy either, but with everything.


I can relate..my ex became enraged ( literally) when I said that I didn't want to fool around 20 minutes after getting home from the hospital after surgery..seriously....and if he were telling the story from his viewpoint, he was married to a prude..LOL..get real..some people ought to be alone..and religion had zero to do with his attitude..he wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it..always... and that included all aspects of living.


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## Terri in WV

But fortunately for us Lesley, it hasn't/didn't tarnish us for life!


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## doingitmyself

Nevada said:


> Would you consider it fair for me to ask that my needs be met in a relationship, but my partner can just wait and see about her needs? I really don't see how a one-sided relationship like that is going to work.


Most smart women would not get involved in a relationship where it is required of them to fulfill your needs. And i agree if it isn't going both ways it should not be going at all. Most of us have had that kinda of relationship early in our dating. Hopefully we grew up and don't have those kind anymore. Some, sadly still do it seems. 
Honestly there is no reason for her to even think about meeting your needs until she figures out if your the real deal or a perv with game. 

I think we are saying the same thing, we are just on different fronts.


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## am1too

Bellyman said:


> Any relationship between any two unique people will be unique to those two people. As a for instance, the relationship between my first wife and myself was nearly "father/daughter" at times and I had very little interest in sex. Just wasn't interested. The relationship that would have made sex fun and fulfilling and pleasurable just wasn't there. (And yes, even for men, there are more important things than sex and some of us don't want it without the relationship that is the basis for the real intimacy.)
> 
> My current (and forever, God willing) wife and I enjoy a completely different relationship. We're mates in every sense of the word. And the physical intimacy is incredible, including sex. But that's only one small part of the relationship. And that part of the relationship doesn't stand on it's own. It's the icing on the cake, not the whole meal. It happens because we BOTH want it. No, it's not as often as it was when we were first married. But it's ALWAYS good. It changes some over time as we can't do that marathon sessions we used to. But it does not get boring or old. In general, we take care of each other's needs and desires. It's not about "me". And in doing things that way, we both get an incredible experience.
> 
> So if something didn't work with one person, don't equate that experience to all other possible experiences. Just doesn't work that way.
> 
> Just the thought that came to mind...


Lucky you. I'm jealous.


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## am1too

FarmboyBill said:


> Im going to the sale Sat if it don't rain, mainly to look at women and find a nice outdoor swing or rocker. IF I get lucky, ill talk to one or two. Nothing will be tried tried, nothing will be wanted. That's about all I want/need as far as interaction goes.


I think that's but all I'll ever get. I simply don't have enough time to worship a female 24/7. Guess I could move back to town and live in a warehouse (apartment). No thanks.


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## chamoisee

willow_girl said:


> Wow. I have been with dozens of men, and never encountered a single one who believed he had a "right" to my body, or to sex when it wasn't mutually desirable. I have never been pressured to have sex when I didn't want to.
> 
> I wonder if the sense of entitlement you describe has some basis in religious belief? The nonreligious men I've been with have been respectful!


Religion definitely seems to play a part in it. But sometimes, they are just pushy, or they simply assumed that we were going to have sex each and every day/night, or each and every time they wanted to, and that assumption made things extremely awkward if I wasn't of the same inclination. 

Ugh...just thinking about it is turning me off.


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## FarmboyBill

me too . lol


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## willow_girl

Going back to the original post ... I think the OP needs to be careful how she phrases it when she tells men she's looking for an asexual relationship. They are liable to overlook the 'an'! ound:


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## FarmboyBill

yup. Most men are looking for a sexual relationship lol. I thought about that for a week, but decided to leave it alone.


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## willow_girl

> But sometimes, they are just pushy, or they simply assumed that we were going to have sex each and every day/night, or each and every time they wanted to, and that assumption made things extremely awkward if I wasn't of the same inclination.


Hmm. I think a lot of couples have differing sex drives, and it can cause a lot of unhappiness unless a mutually acceptable compromise is negotiated. 

I recently was called upon to advise a friend on this subject. Her husband wanted sex much more often than she did, and it was causing tensions in her marriage. I suggested that she sit down with her husband and schedule sex -- set aside one day in the week (or whatever time period was acceptable to her) in which he could count on her being ready, willing and able to get jiggy. Knowing he was going to get some at least _occasionally _(and _when_) might make him less desperate and unhappy, while not being pressured all the time was bound to make things better for her. 

Generally, I think both partners should try to accommodate each other as much as is humanly possible. (I know it's easy for me to say this; I have a high sex drive, so it's not really an issue for me. Not killing them is more the issue ... ound 

But think about it, ladies: How would you feel, after a stressful day, if you went to your husband and said, "Ugh! You wouldn't believe the stuff that's going on at work right now and what my boss said to me today ..." and he cut you off with something like, "I really don't feel like talking to you right now. I'm tired and I have other more important things to do. Maybe we can talk about it Friday night after the kids are in bed." You'd be hurt, right? You'd feel like your needs and feelings weren't very important to him. Well, that's probably how your husband feels when you turn him down in the bedroom. Just sayin' ...


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## shanzone2001

My husband said it is my job to do the laundry, cook dinner, watch the baby, clean the house, feed all of the animals and still "hump" him whenever he wants.

Not sure what is more disturbing- his lame sense of humor or the fact a grown man used the word 'hump!" ound:ound:ound:


(Don't go all "man hater" on me....he was just joking!)


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## davel745

I would like to have
*A sexual relationship?* Oh sorry the keyboard must of slipped. LOL


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## shanzone2001

Hahahahahahaha!!!


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## Laura

Willow, many of us were treated exactly that way (or worse) for years in our marriages and were still expected to provide porn star sex on demand. You'd actually have to stay in a marriage past discomfort and inconvenience to know agreements don't mean squat if they aren't honored. If a person can't honor the one they supposedly love, they won't honor an agreement.


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## Terri in WV

Oh, yes honey, let's go ahead and lock the 2,3 and 4 yo kids outside so we can hit the sheets. 

Oh, don't pay any attention to the kids' sitting on the bed watching tv with us, let's have at it.

Don't mind your mom, that's sharing the motel room with us, let's have some fun.

Don't worry about feeling more tired then you've ever felt and saying no, let me insist on doing it anyway.

Why worry about falling and busting your tailbone and not being able to move, we can still go about business as usual.

It's no big deal with your dad dying today, we can still have fun.

etc, etc, etc....

And while I do agree that couples should try to accommodate each other as much as possible, because it is a really enjoyable activity, once it becomes a constant demand, with the feeling of entitlement and their God given right to expect and demand it, it becomes a chore. One that pushes a person far away from ever wanting to have fun with them again.


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## shanzone2001

And here I thought I had problems because I have a higher sex drive than my husband. 

Sounds horrible, Terri. =(


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## Terri in WV

Oh, yes Shan, those last couple of years were a barrel of fun! Not...

It hasn't turned me off from wanting to still participate in a fun activity though! :grin:


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## Laura

Terri in WV said:


> Oh, yes Shan, those last couple of years were a barrel of fun! Not...
> 
> It hasn't turned me off from wanting to still participate in a fun activity though! :grin:


 Just not with a pig!


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## nehimama

Then there's the hubby who compares with a friend (Co-worker of mine, no less!) as to who "gets some" more often than the other, like how many times per week, then comes accusingly to me because the friend was "getting more"! THAT was s'posed to put me in a lovin' mood?!?!:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:


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## Laura

nehimama said:


> Then there's the hubby who compares with a friend (Co-worker of mine, no less!) as to who "gets some" more often than the other, like how many times per week, then comes accusingly to me because the friend was "getting more"! THAT was s'posed to put me in a lovin' mood?!?!:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:


 Men are so competitive!


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## shanzone2001

Well, men aren't the only ones who "compare!" 
I admit to telling my husband that he had better up his romance because my friends were talking about often they were intimate with their husbands. (I might have embellished a tad just to improve my chances but hey, a woman has to do what a woman has to do!!!)


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## nehimama

LOL @ Shan!!!!!


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## cindilu

I am starting to believe that God or man or whoever created batteries for a reason... Just sayin. :hysterical:


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## chamoisee

willow_girl said:


> Hmm. I think a lot of couples have differing sex drives, and it can cause a lot of unhappiness unless a mutually acceptable compromise is negotiated.


Willow, the thing is, I do have a high sex drive. I have been called "demanding". 

But when the sex is routine, boring, unfulfilling, and there is no foreplay at all beyond the man ascertaining that yes, he is ready for action, so get into the right position now....sorry, that ain't my idea of sex, that's just servicing, and it's no fun.


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## Laura

chamoisee said:


> Willow, the thing is, I do have a high sex drive. I have been called "demanding".
> 
> But when the sex is routine, boring, unfulfilling, and there is no foreplay at all beyond the man ascertaining that yes, he is ready for action, so get into the right position now....sorry, that ain't my idea of sex, that's just servicing, and it's no fun.


And when we were married to THAT, we aren't about to put up with it again from a stranger with the same entitled attitude on a date.


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## willow_girl

> Quote:
> Originally Posted by *chamoisee*
> _Willow, the thing is, I do have a high sex drive. I have been called "demanding".
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> But when the sex is routine, boring, unfulfilling, and there is no foreplay at all beyond the man ascertaining that yes, he is ready for action, so get into the right position now....sorry, that ain't my idea of sex, that's just servicing, and it's no fun._
> 
> And when we were married to THAT, we aren't about to put up with it again from a stranger with the same entitled attitude on a date.


Ladies, did you not sleep with these men before you married them, and realize they were duds? Or could it be that in the first flush of love, you were OK with the way they were, but that changed over time? 

I've heard from a fair number of men that their wives liked sex quite a bit in the beginning ... but at some point, everything changed. Men often suspect their women were deliberating deceiving them ... pretending to enjoy sex just long enough to get a fellow matrimonially snared. And that may be true in some cases, but I think more often their partner really was enthusiastic in the beginning, but the attraction waned over time because the man wasn't considerate and didn't make the effort to meet the woman's needs outside the bedroom. 

Probably the opposite is true as well ... it's likely some men strive hard to make their wives happy, but when they get the cold shoulder in return one too many times, their desire to please dries up. It's a chicken-or-the-egg question ... who done who wrong? Did he let her down, or did she let him down, or perhaps a little of both? Who can tell?

I've mostly seen the outcome of these situations, which can be summed up by the French maxim, "When sex leaves a marriage, it usually goes elsewhere." Guys eventually figure out how to get their unmet needs met, through porn, strippers, an affair with the cute girl at work, etc. And then their incentive to please their wives REALLY dries up! And the situation spirals downward from there ...

The really sad part is that often both parties wish the marriage were better, but they're waiting for their partner to do something about it. No one is willing to give anything unless they're guaranteed to get something of equal or greater value in return, so they stay locked in this stalemate, usually until the husband gets caught misbehaving, or his GF talks him into dumping his wife. Then he's seen as the bad guy and is universally hated by decent people everywhere. LOL ... just kidding, sort of. 

(No, I've never had an affair with a married man ... but I've sure had lots of offers.)


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## Terri in WV

The thing is Willow, my hubs wasn't a dud. We were very attentive partners and got along well. There were only 2 times in all the years that we were together that I told him no and he still tried to exert his "right". It was after we had kids though, that things really started deteriorating. He became jealous of them and my time that they were taking from him. This isn't speculation on my part, it's what he told me the night before he killed himself. The more I did, the more he expected.

People change in a relationship and sometimes not for the better. It may be seen at the beginning or it could be years before the changes occur. Sometimes couples just grow apart. Or, as in my case, mental instability starts showing itself and can be the cause of a majority of the problems.


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## willow_girl

Terri, I'd say the fact your husband killed himself demonstrated that he had some pretty serious psychological issues. 

My comments don't apply to mentally disturbed people or other unusual situations; merely the problem I've witnessed in a lot of run-of-the-mill, ordinary marriages: She doesn't want to have sex with him unless he does more for her, and he isn't inclined to do more for her because she doesn't like to have sex with him. And neither is willing to budge unless the other person changes their ways first.


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## FarmboyBill

Yup. That about nails it, as I best remember.


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## chamoisee

The first one, I didn't sleep with before I married. I was a foolish, ignorant virgin who believed that sex would be holy and wonderfully fulfilling because I had saved my virginity for marriage. What. A. Waste. The experience was so traumatic that I nearly swore off men completely, but was terrified that I might be gay, so after we divorced, I had a couple of flings just to prove I wasn't...stupid thing to do...and the flings didn't teach me anything much except that not all men are rapists. 

Subsequent experiences tended to start out OK and then go south. Men tend to be attentive and want to please the women at first, and after a while, some of them just want to get their rocks off, and if the woman is repressed or doesn't assert herself or at least speak for her needs, the guy is happy to let all that slide....so the woman starts to feel used, like a sexual appliance. And sometimes, for childbirth or surgery or whatnot, a woman can't service the man...and that's when things get really nasty. :-(

What I have now is good, very good....but honestly, the trauma from prior relationships is so bad that generally speaking, I dissociate from sex completely and am not even there during the act....except with the one man I am dating...and women. It only takes one or two forceful, traumatic experiences with a single man to leave a serious impact on one's sex life forever after. :-(


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## vicker

This has turned out to be a very active thread for the ladies here. ...hmmm


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## willow_girl

> Men tend to be attentive and want to please the women at first, and after a while, some of them just want to get their rocks off, and if the woman is repressed or doesn't assert herself or at least speak for her needs, the guy is happy to let all that slide....


Or maybe he thinks if the woman is acting like she's good to go, she's good to go? How is he supposed to know she needs more foreplay if she doesn't TELL him? Men are not mind readers, you know.



> so the woman starts to feel used, like a sexual appliance.


And whose fault is that?

Honestly, if a woman (or a man for that matter) doesn't have the assertiveness to say something as simple as, "Slow down, big boy! Hey, why don't you ---" then she probably has no business being in a relationship. If she can't communicate her needs in bed, she probably can't assert them in other areas of life as well, and thus is doomed to a miserable existence, unless she manages to work up the gumption to tell it like it is. 

The fact that a woman isn't honest and forthcoming with her partner does not make him a bad guy!


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## chamoisee

Willow, I hear what you're saying, but men such as I am describing don't listen to "NO", let alone "slow down" or "wait, what about me?". "I'm not ready" just makes them grab for the lube. >.<


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## JohnnyLee

chamoisee said:


> Willow, I hear what you're saying, but men such as I am describing don't listen to "NO", let alone "slow down" or "wait, what about me?". "I'm not ready" just makes them grab for the lube. >.<


Why are you even having sex with men like that? Men that don't listen when you say "NO" are rapists, plain and simple. Press charges against them.

And if they won't listen to "slow down", "wait" or "i'm not ready", then you should get to know your partners more BEFORE sex, or at least have a safe word or something.


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## JohnnyLee

If ANYONE is going to have sex with ANYONE, then there should at least be the basics of communication, or know your partner well enough to know what they like and what to do and when to do it.


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## Terri in WV

What Willow is saying makes sense if one is dealing with a NORMAL male(or female). However, I think there are a few of us here that have had to deal with a narcissistic individual, and to them, it doesn't matter. It really doesn't. No matter what you say to them or how often you say it, if it doesn't pertain to their needs, it is not heard. I cannot repeat this enough, if it does not pertain to their needs, it is not heard.

I can only speak for myself when I say I am not a passive female, I told him exactly what I thought and it went unheard. Repeatedly. And unless you have ever been in a situation with this type of personality, you really shouldn't give advice on something that you may have trouble understanding. It's not as simple as just telling them what you need or want and they listen. It would be nice if were, but that is not how it works.

It may also not be apparent that they are this way at the beginning of a relationship. They can be very attentive and charming. It is only with time that their true nature will emerge. They've got what they want so there's no reason to keep pretending any longer. And that's when the fun starts....


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## JohnnyLee

That is true, if the person really indeed has a personality disorder, then it is time to let them go. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, ones that ARE willing to communicate, listen and please their partner. There are a lot of women out there that are narcissistic too.

My ex-wife was kind of like that, she wanted it 4-5 times a day regardless of how I was feeling or what I wanted. No wonder she is an ex! lol


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## Guest

Terri in WV said:


> What Willow is saying makes sense if one is dealing with a NORMAL male(or female). However, I think there are a few of us here that have had to deal with a narcissistic individual, and to them, it doesn't matter. It really doesn't. No matter what you say to them or how often you say it, if it doesn't pertain to their needs, it is not heard. I cannot repeat this enough, if it does not pertain to their needs, it is not heard.
> 
> I can only speak for myself when I say I am not a passive female, I told him exactly what I thought and it went unheard. Repeatedly. And unless you have ever been in a situation with this type of personality, you really shouldn't give advice on something that you may have trouble understanding. It's not as simple as just telling them what you need or want and they listen. It would be nice if were, but that is not how it works.
> 
> It may also not be apparent that they are this way at the beginning of a relationship. They can be very attentive and charming. It is only with time that their true nature will emerge. They've got what they want so there's no reason to keep pretending any longer. And that's when the fun starts....


My ex started acting out after 2 years of marriage..I honestly thought that he had a brain tumor or something physically wrong which made his personality turn a 180....turns out he was being 100 % himself..someone I'd never met before..those people are VERY scary !!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Laura

To the original topic of Asexuality and the responses and where we've meandered, it is not a choice, just as heterosexuality and homosexuality are not choices. Would 6 pages of how to unconfused a homosexual by finding the right person of the opposite sex really be acceptable?

I believe there are many of us, both men and women, who choose celibacy even though we have strong sexual urges, and we do so for non-religious reasons. It is the right choice for us and with the people we build relationships. Promiscuity is the right choice for others, their reasons are their own.

None of us liked being treated like a kitchen and bedroom appliance. Men did not like being treated as a paycheck and only getting "mannequin sex."
What was missing? 

Emotional intimacy, trust, respect, acceptance, affection, forgiveness, communication. Love. These things take time and courage. These things go deep. I believe "going there" with men is more important than intercourse in building permanent relationships.

Some are satisfied with a booty call, but usually a booty call is just a booty call. There are a lot of people on the Booty Call circuit. They are in and out of "committed" relationships with the cycles of the moon. Some are satisfied with longer term booty calls. 

I think a lot of us got duped into bad marriages. We were "in love," they wanted exclusive booty call with a side order of fries. When we stated our needs and what we want, we were punished. Yes, men withhold too.


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## davel745

Laura said:


> God made someone for everybody.


Do you think that there are two for everyone. I lost mine to breast cancer awhile back. I would like to meet another just don't know how. As mentioned dogs don't do well in conversation. But they do talk to me a lot and I know what they are saying most of the time. Out of food, and we need water, and time to go out.


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## Laura

davel745 said:


> Do you think that there are two for everyone. I lost mine to breast cancer awhile back. I would like to meet another just don't know how. As mentioned dogs don't do well in conversation. But they do talk to me a lot and I know what they are saying most of the time. Out of food, and we need water, and time to go out.


 Yes, I believe there are many people we can love and who can love us, who meet our compatibility needs IF we're willing to do the work. The work is inside ourselves and with the other person.

I think finding your Other is a matter of being true to yourself first. Seek healing and understanding.


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## willow_girl

> It may also not be apparent that they are this way at the beginning of a relationship. They can be very attentive and charming. It is only with time that their true nature will emerge. They've got what they want so there's no reason to keep pretending any longer. And that's when the fun starts....


And it would end real quick, too, if this girl were involved.
Life is too short to put up with being treated badly!

This is one reason why it's important for women to have an education and/or marketable skill(s) -- so you have the ability to walk away from a relationship and support yourself in the style to which you have become accustomed, if necessary.


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## Tana Mc

I just saw on one of the other boards that the OP for this thread has just gotten out of the hospital from having surgery that then caused a stroke..... and had more surgery to find and fix the blood clot. 

Hope you heal up quick, Sisterpine!


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## Laura

willow_girl said:


> And it would end real quick, too, if this girl were involved.
> Life is too short to put up with being treated badly!
> 
> This is one reason why it's important for women to have an education and/or marketable skill(s) -- so you have the ability to walk away from a relationship and support yourself in the style to which you have become accustomed, if necessary.


 Willow, some of were well educated and had marketable skills. We still chose to become mothers and put our families first because we believe in it, and we mistakenly trusted the men we married. Kudos to you for never being vulnerable to anyone! 

As someone who hates being judged for who you are, I find your judgmentalism astounding.


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## vicker

Laura said:


> Willow, some of were well educated and had marketable skills. We still chose to become mothers and put our families first because we believe in it, and we mistakenly trusted the men we married. Kudos to you for never being vulnerable to anyone!
> 
> As someone who hates being judged for who you are, I find your judgmentalism astounding.


Some of us were also well educated, had marketable skills, chose to put our families first because we believed in it, and mistakenly trusted the women we married. Men are not that different from the other sex. I cannot speak for all men, but assure you that I love my children, my family, and the ideal as much or more than any woman loves her's. I don't mean to pick, but it sickens me, *sickens me!*, to hear the stereotype of the nurturing woman/mother. My children's mother was a manipulative, maniacal, narcissistic nut, with no nurturing molecule in her self pleasing heart. I had to sit and listen about mothers' love while losing my court fight to save my children's lives. I was their nurturer, I the one who gave that extra thing, that sang to them, read to them, and gave them that unconditional love. Just as many women as men are incapable of it. But women have our society's mistaken belief that it is somehow contained in their ovaries or nipples. It is not. And men, apparently, don't possess the ability for it. I'm finished with my rant now 
There are men and women who appreciate and value the making of love. There are also both men and women who prefer the other four letter word. The two don't mix well.


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## vicker

I don't know if this story goes here, or in the other thread, but suppose it goes just as well in one as the other. I hope I can tell it without getting an infraction of having it yanked. I would tell this story to my 9 yo daughter, only with more details.
After my first divorce I worked with this fellow who I had known most of my life. We were the same age, and had gone to school and grown up together. Now, we were in our early 30s. He liked to voice the opinion that, if I had, ahem, done my wife right she would not had done the things she had done. He was a riot to work with.  He was also an adult Sunday school teacher and had some interesting views on religion. Several times I had heard him speak longingly about a past love of his own. He told me of how when they... had certain physical relations he would always make her bleed. He was proudd of that. One day he told me of one of the last times they had had such relations. He said they were on the bed, and he was doing his normal best, when she placed her feet on his abdomen and promptly launched him across the room to bounce off the wall. He looked at me with a confused look and asked why I thought she had done such a thing. I told him I had no idea. True story 
ETA: This story was way shorter and had far fewer details than I feared. Sorry if I disappointed anyone.


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## Laura

I agree with you Vicker. I in no way intended to offend you or to imply women had exclusive rights to the title of nurturer. They're qualities I highly value in both men and women. Two people of these qualities mated, their cups runneth over!


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## willow_girl

> Willow, some of were well educated and had marketable skills. We still chose to become mothers and put our families first because we believe in it, and we mistakenly trusted the men we married. Kudos to you for never being vulnerable to anyone!
> 
> As someone who hates being judged for who you are, I find your judgmentalism astounding.


Laura, my point was that too often women who find they've married a jerk are stuck there because they don't have the ability to support themselves and/or their children. Having marketable skills allows a woman much more freedom to leave if the situation becomes unacceptable to her.

No judgment there, just a simple statement of fact.

(And where did you get the idea I hate being judged?! Actually I am pretty indifferent toward others' opinions. Life is too short to spend it worrying about what people think of you! What the heck; I just put it all out there and figure it I can't be a good example to someone, I can at least be a cautionary tale!) ound:


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## doingitmyself

Vicker, i can completely relate to your post. I'm starting a new Thread, i don't want derail his one.


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## Laura

Yet their church will tell the wife she can't divorce her husband because he hasn't committed adultery even though he fails in every possible way at love, honor and cherishing his wife. The bad part is the uhhhh....jerk probably gets to teach young husbands how to treat their wives.


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## willow_girl

> Yet their church will tell the wife she can't divorce her husband because he hasn't committed adultery even though he fails in every possible way at love, honor and cherishing his wife.


That's bad theology. Anyone capable of reading her Bible can see that she is free to separate from him; she just can't remarry, or at least not until after he has sex with someone else. Then he becomes the adulterer and she receives a "Get Out of Marriage Free" card! :bouncy:

I understand that in some Christian circles, viewing pornography now is considered on par with adultery (because Jesus said that looking at a woman with lust is the same as sleeping with her) and thus the bar has been lowered, making it even easier for good Christian women to shed husbands they no longer desire.


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## Terri

Willowgirl is correct: nowhere in the Bible does it say that a woman must live with her husband. The man next door had a wife who live in the city. They were both devout but they did divorce once the kids were grown, which meant 10 years of being separated.


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## Laura

Church doctrine rarely matches the word of God. If you don't like the doctrine in one, go across the street. I'm sure I've blurted out more than once, "Buy the man a hooker."


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