# Those that left your partner......



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

....can you explain why? Where did the love go? Did your partner know it was coming? I guess I am still trying to make sense of it all.


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2012)

Mine died. I tried real hard a couple times since then, they was all playing some weird and incredibly stupid internet game. I'm done. I'd rather be alone than to be with a new age moron.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

My husband of 10 years and father of my 2 older children slept with other women....


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## foaly (Jan 14, 2008)

If I hadn't left, I would have died. Violence only escalates.

Besides, he had "other women interested in him."


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## Smalltowngirl (Mar 28, 2010)

shanzone2001 said:


> My husband of 10 years and father of my 2 older children slept with other women....


My husband of 35+ yrs, slept with other women for many years while I was home taking care of him & the farm while being totally clueless to his extramarital activities. The topper was when he lost our farm due to the secret loans he'd taken out using the home as collateral and then he failed to pay the notes. The loans were all to impress other women while I didn't even have a decent winter coat. gre:


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

Smalltowngirl said:


> My husband of 35+ yrs, slept with other women for many years while I was home taking care of him & the farm while being totally clueless to his extramarital activities. The topper was when he lost our farm due to the secret loans he'd taken out using the home as collateral and then he failed to pay the notes. The loans were all to impress other women while I didn't even have a decent winter coat. gre:


Wow. I am so sorry....


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

Mine left me to die in the hospital in July 1991 because he had to get a drink; he took our young son with him. My parents arrived at the hospital but couldn't get any information because "it" left. They were frantic; I was so alone knowing I was hours from cardiac arrest--I'd lost 3 pints of blood.

I told him then it was over; he asked me to stay until DS was 18 which was in 2004. I did that; I shouldn't have. I ended up losing everything I'd built financially because his mother decided to play rough; only his attorney got a dime out of anything. 

He knew long before--he just didn't believe me. And, no, I haven't spoken to him in years and will never again. He doesn't get it (I'm sure Mommy has told him all sorts of stuff about me--as usual--DS knows to never mention him to me or me to him--how sad is that?); apparently I attract clueless, brainless, moron users.

I didn't answer your question, did I? I'm sure there were clues in your case but some people are very good at hiding their thoughts and plans; I suspect that's what happened to you.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

I left as after two years of counselling that he sometimes came to, and after years of him not having time to even lean down to kiss the girls goodbye, or even acknowledge their presence - he was all business, never at a meal with us, etc.
Never held the girls voluntarily.

He didn't want a family, so I relieved him of the family. Then he wanted them and tried to use the girls as pawns in the divorce. 

By the way, his own pychiatrist asked to see me, and at the end of that conversation, he said he would not change and even he advised I got out. 
And he was very neglectiul to the daughters - leaving a 2 yr and 4 yr old in a hot tub while he went into another room and could not understand why that would be upsetting, etc.

And he knew it was coming - he hid from the process server for a week.

And I still had a love for him at the end when I started the divorce, I just could not live that way any longer - and then I found out the rest of the story - that took me 5 years of working with the government to keep my name clean from some of the fraud stuff he had done.

I still love what I thought he was, it took 13 years of supporting him, believing in him and his dreams, and following him to hell and back before I could not do it any more.

And I found his love went to the business, and the boyfriends I did not know about, and visited the corp apt he had - not to me or the girls.
I found out he married me cause " I was reasonably attractive, liked Swan Lake ballet, and it was time for him to be married." direct quote to the court.
I was a cover so he would be business acceptable and I worked cheap.

There is NO SENSE of it all, I've been divorced 28 years, He committed suicide 2007, and I still have questions - I even asked a ex brother in law (his sisters first hubby), last week about some info from that time.

Do not waste your time trying to make sense, it does not happen unless by accident some years later. Get on with your life - it is the best revenge. (but I did use to think of dropping him down a garbage disposal or shooting him in the hallways of where I was working).

And you're still freshly hurt. 
I does get better.


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## Smalltowngirl (Mar 28, 2010)

shanzone2001 said:


> Wow. I am so sorry....


Thanks, I'm doing ok but I was bitter for a long time. I still occasionally wake up crying in the night. You know during the day you can make your conscious mind skip over the bad stuff but at night, you don't have that same control.

I have a job that I love which pays the bills & many friends, so life is good. In my dreams I'd love to have another hobby farm but I seriously doubt if that will happen due to my age & income. So I do container gardening, have my dogs & feed the wild birds & squirrels.. :thumb:

I figure I'm ok as long as I don't start collecting cats.


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## chamoisee (May 15, 2005)

Most of the partners I have left were abusive in some way. One had addiction issues and after those were resolved the spark just wasn't there. I tried getting back together with him for the sake of our child, but he wanted to be adored and for me it was going to be more of a friendship/partnership thing. Right around then, a woman came along who swore she loved him to pieces and he took off with her, so that was the end of that.


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## maverickxxx (Jan 25, 2011)

Why some people just are not capable of real love an commitment. Saying an doing are to different. The only person she loved was herself an her kids are behind that. She did but didn't know. She knew I'd leave but she didn't think I'd not come back. Her son knew. Was prolly hardest thing I be ever done. Leaving her kids she was easy. I can still hear his voice after 3 years saying mom leave him alone he hasn't done anything he never does anything! I rember what she said to him an I knew it was never going to change no matter what I or they said. Two nights before that her daughter wanted me to read her story an was telling her mom how I could do anything I could just stand up an punch hole in ceiling n put skylight for her to see the stars. So I can imagine its tough to make sense after u spent lifetime with someone. But leavn kids I assume is infinitely harder I know it was for me. N when ever I see the little girl in store where ever she yells my name n runs over to give me sweetest hug. An the intensity of her hug has never changed. It's the same one u get when they are telling u a monster is under the bed. Or watching the little boy hiding in tall grass watching u load machines an equipment on trailers for three days. But the text messages an interaction reminds u why u are leaving.


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2012)

Hey, because I raised my kids by myself, I became hardened off to life. In the early 70's, a man with kids didn't get welfare or food stamps. He got threatened with taking the kids away. I learned how to fight the system, I learned how to be mean, I learned how to drink hard, I learned how to take drugs, i learned how to inflict incredible violence. All in the name of keeping my children together. And I did it. The woman was raised without a sense of morality. What was so different about us? I did what I had to. She did what was expected of her.


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

roadless said:


> Zong we are actually on the same page....I stuck with my husband for 29 years...through all kinds of life experiences...because I love him....and quite frankly I still haven't given up much to the dismay of those around me who don't understand why I still mourn him....I hurt deeply because I love deeply. I didn't walk ....and I would still take him back...but he has another now.....and acts as if our time together never existed.


I am so sad for you--being betrayed that way is heartbreaking. I stopped loving my EX when he left me to die; I wish I could fix it for you--I really do.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

I have not heard a single person say that they just gave up.

The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And, it is not unusual to go back and forth on the list.

The only way to never grieve is to never love, and that would be a life not worth living, IMHO!

Lastly, what purpose does it serve to yell at each other? Will it change anything? Will it do anything other than spread pain?


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## Grizz (May 11, 2002)

mushrooms lol


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

Mine was an alcoholic. When I could no longer respect him, I could no longer love him. Sad, so sad!


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## JohnnyLee (Feb 13, 2011)

If there is one constant in human lives, it is change. Everyone changes, everyone grows, hopefully for the better.

BOTH have to make it a priority to grow together, or you WILL grow apart.


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## WhyNot (Jun 21, 2011)

roadless said:


> ....can you explain why? Where did the love go? Did your partner know it was coming? I guess I am still trying to make sense of it all.


1 kept trying to kill me, love pretty much was wrecked regardless, he had no idea it was coming.

1 kept sleeping with other people, my love dissolved after he wouldn't stop, wore me out, he had no idea it was coming.

1 died in a car accident, that love is still there and I mourn once in a while still for him, nobody had any idea it was coming

1 kept hanging out on singles sites and met people for sex, my love dissolved when I found out...didn't try to work on that one, he had no idea it was coming AND didn't understand why this was an issue. :shrug:

1 well that one just dissolved because we became roomates, we tried to work on it, he insisted everything was fine but we were becoming more like ships passing, he had no idea it was coming and was extremely angry with me for a few weeks until he met the woman that is now his wife. This one we basically grew apart, he wasn't very honest with himself about what he ultimately wanted in life and when I figured out where I was headed they were on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Those were the major ones. The ones I saw for a few weeks or a few dates jumped ship before it came to port LOL


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

Ehh. None of my ex's were bad guys. They weren't perfect, but then I'm not either.

I guess sometimes I get restless ... that's all! :shrug:


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

nehimama said:


> Mine was an alcoholic. When I could no longer respect him, I could no longer love him. Sad, so sad!




I'll drink to that..LOL :buds:


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## mountainwmn (Sep 11, 2009)

I don't think love actually goes anywhere. It fades in time as it gets overshadowed by new love. I don't think I ever fell out of love with someone, but I would leave if things weren't working. 
Love is beautiful and elastic. You have enough love for all the children you may have, you have enough love to fall in love while you still love someone else. Just not while you still wish you were with someone else. Also its probably a bad idea to be hanging out with an ex you still love while you are dating someone you hope to fall in love with.


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## Guest (Jul 18, 2012)

willow_girl said:


> Ehh. None of my ex's were bad guys. They weren't perfect, but then I'm not either.
> 
> I guess sometimes I get restless ... that's all! :shrug:


I've not seen anyone on ST(and very rarely in real life) ever accept any responsibility at all for a failed relationship before just now. I'm going to need to re-examine everything I believe in.
I salute your honesty.


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## nehimama (Jun 18, 2005)

Well, how could *I* be to blame if he was an alcoholic? *I* didn't drive him to drinking; I'm sure of it!


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## lurnin2farm (Jun 10, 2012)

I left after trying very hard for 5 years to make it work. I was looking for a partner and best friend for life, she was looking for a bottomless ATM machine for her and her kids. The final straw was when she informed me on a Thursday that her and her kids were going on vacation and leaving on Friday. LOL. All paid for by me of course. When she got back a week later I said goodbye and left on vacation. I came back 3 weeks later and told her it was over and I wanted a divorce. She came back with same stuff as my first wife and said she would take me to the cleaners. I made her a very generous offer to walk away from the house and let me keep it and my business. She laughed and thought she would get much more. She ended up with less than 10% of my offer when it was over. That was my 2nd wife so I knew the game and how to protect myself. 

First wife left me while I was away working in Chicago. Turns out she had a BF. She got 50 acres and I got the house and primary custody of my daughter although we did somehow manage to split our time with her 50/50 and there was no child support going in either direction but my daughter never needed anything and turned out very well. 

In both cases I walked away and never looked back. Life's to short to worry about what was. It does suck starting over though. 

For those of you who had cheating spouses. It does suck and am sorry to hear they did that to you. I will never know why people do that. If your married then ask for a divorce if you want some strange. If you like strange on a regular basis then dont get married, pretty simple. 

I have had a few gf's since then but only 1 that would have made a great partner. She lived in Spain though and it was just to hard on me to have a long distance relationship like that. I was overwhelmed with business stuff too. She was intelligent, attractive and had a great sense of humor, always laughing and smiling. Unfortunately I broke her heart and didnt even realize it until it was to late. When business slowed down a bit I tried to fix things and even bought a ticket to go visit her again but she didn't want me to come. 
Anyway, I moved on and at 48 I think my dating days are over. I have no idea where to meet anyone and the chances of meeting the right one now are pretty slim so I just enjoy life alone. . 
I'm thinking maybe I need an illegal mexican housekeeper to clean and do all the stuff I hate doing LOL.


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## billooo2 (Nov 23, 2004)

I have heard......"Grief is the price we pay for loving." If we did not love so deeply, it would not be so painful.

There probably is no 'quick and easy" answer or explanation.

Probably the healthiest thing is to have a circle of friends that you can talk with...and talk....and talk.......and start setting some goals for yourself.......and move toward accomplishing those goals.


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

28 yrs total. Life was hard but, you keep adjusting, reinventing. Look for a better job so you can stop living week to week. Work more overtime, whatever. I was raised seeing the man as the provider... protector...fixer. 

I think it made me a unintentional enabler. Blissfully ignorant, in my sincere efforts to give my family the best I could give, it was easy to convince myself that the little signs that an objective look would've revealed were something else. Something...not a sign... I don't know. 

First was the financial infidelity. Initially, it was mixed with small lies and forgivable inconsistencies. Maybe they escalated when she realized she could get away with it or maybe I began to wake up. Next was her adoption of (what they call now) an entitlement philosophy. This led to her addiction to pain pills, along with my increasing frustration. And as they say, "It was all down hill from there."

When you're poor, the core values are what you hang your hat on. You can look around and say, "We don't have much, but we got it honest. We can't go to Hawaii or have a big house/nice car, but we have _us_ while everyone else is getting divorced. We have trust, commitment, mutual support. 

Last to go was sexual fidelity. It started with phone calls and "I'm just going out with girlfriends that I haven't seen for a long time." Then it was porn dating sites. Sexting religiously (interesting word combo) followed that. And of course, the act itself.

But it didn't end there. Now, I've done alot of things in my life I'm not proud of; some of them illegal. But, I never stole from my family and the idea of stealing from my kids is beyond heinous! 

I couldn't find work as, this was all happening in 2008 and construction was in the tank, so we (as a family) agreed that I would stay home to take care of the house, my youngest, and my wife. She being disabled now and not able to clean, drive to Knoxville (pain pill clinic), ...etc.

My oldest would take care of expenses as a way of paying his rent and - get this - help out the family, "Because," he said "You guys raised me and sacrificed and that's what families do, right?" First it was $20 here or "It cost more than I thought." Then $100 went missing and so on. After he caught an inconsistecy in his bank account and confronted her (she was no longer listening to me), we all started sleeping with our money hidden carefully. Talk about your Home Sweet Home!

Do you know how it feels to hear a 12yr old kid with about 10 or 15 bucks to his name, that he got helping other kids at school with their math, ask you to hide his money for him while he goes to school, "so Mom won't steal it."?

Well, when the well ran dry, she left. Trust. Trust makes the world go 'round. Or not. 

This took longer than I originally intended, so I guess it could kinda be considered as part of my profile. Seeing as how I haven't had the guts to post one yet... It's OK though, cause I'm still new enough that they won't let me post on Gen Chat.

roadless... I had another post to your thread on divorce but something went wrong and it didn't post. The upshot is, the _why_ of stuff will work itself out and reach it's own equalibrium, eventually. Unfortunately, time is a required ingredient.

Find the set of core values that you know will lead you to your "happy place." Focus on them and don't let the tangible/material complications bog you down and distract you. If you clear away the debris, you can see that, within the scenery that you've been missing is one of the prettiest sites. Hope.

Hope + the wide-eyed optimism of a child + life experience (courtesy of the school of hard knocks) = Happy Place


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## Wolf Flower (Dec 21, 2005)

My first husband left me because he "fell out of love". It had been going on for some time, and he tried to drop hints, but I was completely clueless and absolutely shocked when he told me he wanted a divorce.

In retrospect, I can see the things that went on that caused him to drift away; we fought a lot, but I thought that was normal for married couples. I took for granted that he would always be there; it never occurred to me that he would give up on the relationship. In retrospect I can see how he tried to make it work, but at the time I didn't realize the marriage was in danger, and I didn't do the things I should have done.

I really loved him, and didn't realize the things I did that hurt the relationship, until it was too late. Had he ever said "I am going to leave you if things don't change", I'd have been Johnny-on-the-spot and turned things around very quickly, but I never had that chance. 

It takes two people to make a marriage work. If one person wants to leave, there's absolutely nothing you can do to force them to stay (and even if you could, it wouldn't be right). So when the other person makes that decision, all you can do at that point is try to protect yourself and get what you can in the settlement.

It sucks, but you have to face it, and go on. It does get better.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Only marriage or do serious relationships count also?

I left my last serious relationship because of her religion.

And the one before that who I was deeply in love with and going to marry turned out to secretly be a cocaine addict. 

And another one I almost married had some serious mental illness and turned out to be violent and dangerous. After we got engaged she changed and turned into the chick from the movie Basic Instinct

Where does the love go? It ether runs out of road, runs out of fire wood, or it is negleted, abused, and taken for granted to the point that it just opens a window and flies away. 

Love is like a garden. if you do not take care of the garden correctly the garden dies.
it takes work and care to make a love relationship bloom and glow properly


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

lurnin2farm said:


> I left after trying very hard for 5 years to make it work. I was looking for a partner and best friend for life, she was looking for a bottomless ATM machine for her and her kids. The final straw was when she informed me on a Thursday that her and her kids were going on vacation and leaving on Friday. LOL. All paid for by me of course. When she got back a week later I said goodbye and left on vacation. I came back 3 weeks later and told her it was over and I wanted a divorce. She came back with same stuff as my first wife and said she would take me to the cleaners. I made her a very generous offer to walk away from the house and let me keep it and my business. She laughed and thought she would get much more. She ended up with less than 10% of my offer when it was over. That was my 2nd wife so I knew the game and how to protect myself.
> 
> 
> Women like that seem to be very common these days. The woman you discribed is the reason why I have chosen to have never been married.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

When you get tired of someones alcoholism, Shooting your stuff up, tearing up the house, throwing things at you, threathening you with divorce everyday. You put up with it for so long and warn them that you wont put up with it much longer. Then you finally have your fill and leave.

Now I'm a stalker!!!......LOL!!!!


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## sustainabilly (Jun 20, 2012)

Quote: from CB 
Women like that seem to be very common these days. The woman you discribed is the 
reason why I have chosen to have never been married.

You got that right. But it's not just the women. Both genders have their bloodsuckers. 
It is one of the reasons my oldest is against marriage though. It's too early to tell with my youngest. 

I know this is kind of selfish but, my sons are the only two boys out of 5 brothers & sisters who have our imm. family's last name. Another reason I sometimes feel like a dinosaur.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Sure, women do it, men do, even kids are learning how to use the legal system to try to fleece people.

Sick world we live in. Where is the hope?


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

Smalltowngirl said:


> Thanks, I'm doing ok but I was bitter for a long time. I still occasionally wake up crying in the night. You know during the day you can make your conscious mind skip over the bad stuff but at night, you don't have that same control.
> 
> I have a job that I love which pays the bills & many friends, so life is good. In my dreams I'd love to have another hobby farm but I seriously doubt if that will happen due to my age & income. So I do container gardening, have my dogs & feed the wild birds & squirrels.. :thumb:
> 
> I figure I'm ok as long as I don't start collecting cats.



Cats? Forget the cats. You seem like a sweet women. When you are ready you will find a nice man.


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## Wolf Flower (Dec 21, 2005)

Smalltowngirl said:


> I figure I'm ok as long as I don't start collecting cats.


Ha! My husband is the cat-collector--I only had two cats until he came along. Now we have five. So I wouldn't worry too much about cat-collecting.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

I do not see the appeal of having too many cats or dogs........because you can't eat them! hahah. Lots of goats for pets are good, because you can eat them.


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## oregon woodsmok (Dec 19, 2010)

Did he know it was coming? i would guess that since he was committing adultery, he must have known it would happen sooner or later. It couldn't have been much of a surprise to him.


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## wyld thang (Nov 16, 2005)

City Bound said:


> I do not see the appeal of having too many cats or dogs........because you can't eat them! hahah. Lots of goats for pets are good, because you can eat them.


Actually dogs and cats are pretty fascinating to observe in a pack/multiples. Their personalites get more pronounced and they have special relationships etc. I had 2 dogs and 7 cats at one time(throw in wandering chickens too). I loved watching them interact and get along. I think dogs and cats are MUCH happier in multiples too. Even tho people say cats are loners.


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## Wolf Flower (Dec 21, 2005)

wyld thang said:


> I think dogs and cats are MUCH happier in multiples too. Even tho people say cats are loners.


I don't know about that, I think SOME dogs and cats are happier in multiples. Others would just as soon be the one and only center of attention. Dizzy, Archer, and Spyder enjoy the company of other felines, but Austin thinks they are all beneath him and is disgusted by their presence.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

my x had two cats and they fought.


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## kacey (Dec 8, 2011)

Sounds like a winner....lol lol


Grizz said:


> mushrooms lol


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> I've not seen anyone on ST(and very rarely in real life) ever accept any responsibility at all for a failed relationship before just now. I'm going to need to re-examine everything I believe in.
> I salute your honesty.


Why, thank you. 

A wise woman once told me that most relationships will run on their own steam for about 2 years. Beyond that, you've got to put some effort into making it work. I've found that to be true. 

For most of my life, it was just as easy to change up every few years ... not necessarily for a new man, but just for freedom and the chance to try something new. New town, new job, new life. And usually a new man came along eventually ... ound:

But I'm getting older and starting homesteads from scratch is hard work, and I'd like to stick around long enough this time to pick fruit from the trees I've planted. So I'm trying to change my ways ...

Just recently I noticed a cute house for sale on the way to my farm ... 10 years ago, I'd have told my mate, "Hey, let's buy that and move there!" and if he said "No," I would have said, "Well I'm gonna ... see ya!" 

Nowadays the thought crosses my mind, but I don't act on it. 

It probably helps that this husband is kinda sweet on me, and doesn't mess up the house or otherwise annoy me. ound:


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## Marshloft (Mar 24, 2008)

I'm not the one who left,altho I should have maybe. I just wanted more than anything to belong and have a family of my own.
I held on as long as I could till I finally broke, and couldn't handle her not caring about realizing,,, We were a family,, not her sister and mother and all her relatives being the family unit.
Anyway,, I blew up one day,, and that was all the excuse she needed to up and leave.
I got to keep my 2 boy's tho.. 
GH


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## katydidagain (Jun 11, 2004)

zong said:


> I've not seen anyone on ST(and very rarely in real life) ever accept any responsibility at all for a failed relationship before just now. I'm going to need to re-examine everything I believe in.
> I salute your honesty.


I accept full responsibility for my failed relationships; I *am* the the problem and I'm fine with that. Won't be again--ever. No more believing that someone is a good guy who can love me with my warts because I accept theirs because somehow my mote becomes a logjam PDQ. That's really okay. I have wonderful male friends and always have; if they want more...Nope.


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