# Ladies, I want to scream.



## Ninn (Oct 28, 2006)

Very loudly and for a very long time. After nearly completing my spring cleaning, my wonderful youngest daughter and her son moved home. I love them. I want them here. But at the same time, I want them gone!!!! They have no bedroom, so they sleep in my living room, dress in my living room, play in my living room, etc. Nobody else can use the room!!!! I can't even get in there to clean the snake tank out without having to spend an hour cleaning the room first! My lovely, comfy chair where I crochet is perpetually buried in her clean laundry that she cannot be bothered to put away. my video cabinet is hidden behind stacks of baby toys that do not get put away at the end of the day. My bookshelves are being pillaged by a toddler who wants his own spot for his books. (Ok, I can share....) My carpet is a disaster needing a serious cleaning because his mother lets him eat in my livingroom. ( a huge no-no) The laundry costs have more than doubled from cloth diapering, but I don't mind that. What I MIND is washing clean dipes because she lets him play with them!!!!! 

Anybody wanna come help me haul out, rearrange and clean that room this weekend? I'll return the favor someday! I'm so tired of cleaning up the same darn mess all the time.


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## cow whisperer (May 3, 2007)

I'd be glad to come and help..... 

Although if you do all this, will she help "keep it clean" & "organized"......

I do feel for you..... I have a son who has a wonderful bedroom upstairs, a huge bedroom as a matter of fact, but yet all his "crap" spews into my kitchen, b/c he will stand in my kitchen and strip...... or he throws his stuff on the back porch..... 

There are a total of 5 people in this house, and I counted 29 pair of shoes on my back porch (not counting DH & I's barn boots).... only 2 pair was DH & I's...... 

KIDS..... it never gets easier..... .....


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## Cindy in NY (May 10, 2002)

I think it's time to have a talk with your DD. Even though she is your daughter, she is also a "guest" in your house. She needs to know what your expectations are - clothes put away, bedding put away, toys put away unless they are being played with, NO eating in the living room. In other words, you want to be able to use YOUR living room that same way you always have except when they are sleeping at night.

I know it's going to be hard. I had a sister come and stay with me. She started in with some of her obnoxious behavior. I told her this was my house and she wasn't going to act like that. Solved the problem.


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## TexasArtist (May 4, 2003)

Ninn said:


> My lovely, comfy chair where I crochet is perpetually buried in her clean laundry that she cannot be bothered to put away. my video cabinet is hidden behind stacks of baby toys that do not get put away at the end of the day. My bookshelves are being pillaged by a toddler who wants his own spot for his books. (Ok, I can share....) My carpet is a disaster needing a serious cleaning because his mother lets him eat in my livingroom. ( a huge no-no) The laundry costs have more than doubled from cloth diapering, but I don't mind that. What I MIND is washing clean dipes because she lets him play with them!!!!!
> 
> Anybody wanna come help me haul out, rearrange and clean that room this weekend? I'll return the favor someday! I'm so tired of cleaning up the same darn mess all the time.


problem number 1 - her clean clothes in YOUR comfy chair
problem solver 1 - dump her stuff in a cardboard box and set it in the garage or other conveint place of your choosing.

Problem number 2 - stacks of baby toy
Problem solver 2 - box up a few toys and only leave out 4 or 5 then at the end of the week go to box and recycle by swapping the toys. It'll be like christmas at the end of each week.

Problem number 3 - carpet need cleaning cause little man is messy
Problem solver3 - give momma some tweezers and tell her to pick up EVERY crumb.

Problem number 4 - double the laundry cause of cloth covered hiney
Problem solver 4 - get an old wash tub and a scrub board and tell momma "have at it!" (my mom used this one on my cousin when the little princess moved in with us and thought she would be using a new towels with each showering 'twice a day'. Stopped that business right quick!) 

good luck


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## Amy Jo (Mar 30, 2003)

You are really going to hate your daughter if you don't talk to her. Most of this is simply solved - like TexasArtist said... A box for toys. I'd also get a box for her clothes and put them to the side of the living room, not in the chair. You have to tell her that the little fella eating in the living room isn't working well. He needs to only eat at the table. Stop him when he starts to wander with his food and guide him back to the table to reinforce this the first few times, then an alert, "Oh, Susie.. Joey is heading into the living room and he has a banana!!"

I have the same rules at my house and sometimes when my daughter visits she gets caught up in visiting and I'm on duty to protect the living room. I picked up some inexpensive outdoor toys and encourage outside play as much as possible - it helps tire the little guys out and it's healthy for them. Sit and have an iced tea and watch him play so daughter can have some time alone to organize the living room, or offer to organize while she takes the little one outside. Just be honest.... "I love you dearly, I love having you both here, but we have to find a way to make this living room work better, honey." or you can always throw in there..."Your dad is missing his living room... let's get this better organized so he isn't a grouch, ok?"

Every evening address her to say, let's get the toys up and run the vaccuum real quick before adorable perfect grandson goes to sleep... 

You need to help her take responsibility for it... guide her into it. Can you imagine living in one room with a toddler and having junk all around you? It will feel better for her to have a neat living space too.


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## hiswife (May 30, 2008)

speak to her now, get it out in the open before you really start regretting allowing her to move home. Sure she might get offended and annoyed, but being direct is so much better than privately stewing (which always boils over)
Good luck and I'll be thinking of you!


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## Ninn (Oct 28, 2006)

So, I asked her today if that mess didn't make her uncomfortable when her fiance comes over. Her response? Nope! I like it, it's easy to find everything. AAAAGGGHHHH! I don't claim to be an organized individual, but that room is making me sick to my stomach. Tomorrow, if it doesn't rain, I will be pulling a "clean sweep" on it to make it all fit. (see previous thread on that topic) Anything she wants to keep had better get put away. If it's on the floor, it's garbage. That used to be the rule when the kids were small, too. Saturday morning and mom is up. If it's on the floor it must be garbage. LOL! It worked! (i threw out a video game system they didnt' put away. right into the dumpster and it never came back.)


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## Hip_Shot_Hanna (Apr 2, 2005)

The biggest problem is that she's moved "home" - and that means she isn't the adult anymore. Your daughter is relying on you to do the work you always did when she lived there as a child. And that includes keeping track of your grandchild, because she is being a "child" again in some ways. (But she may get huffy if you actually do much disciplining, oddly enough.)

This syndrome isn't unusual - I used to watch in amazement when my sister and her kids came to visit my mother. Mom wound up watching the kids, while my sister didn't. 

Time for a sweet talk with your wonderful daughter - because she isn't really aware of what she's doing. It's YOUR home. SHE will leave it again one day. In the meantime, she needs to respect your way of doing things, because it IS your home. 

There are some good suggestions on what to say or what action to take from previous posters. My daughters will sit and watch me make dinner sometimes when they visit - and they are having a good time talking to each other, etc. It's not a deliberate avoidance of assisting me at all, and I want them to have a good time. So now and then I let it pass, and now and then I say "Sweetheart, would you set the table?" They jump up and are glad to help out 

Just tell your daughter that while it doesn't bother her to have her stuff strewn around the living room, she should remember that it DOES bother you, after all, she grew up there! (And it's NOT harder to find it when it's put in it's proper place.)


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

Ninn, I will say a prayer for you. I was wondering if you could possible give her one of the bedrooms or another room with a door. Let her do her and the baby's laundry. Let her clean up their messes. 

STOP babying her. I disagree, she is NOT a guest she is a family member that should have to follow all the rules of the house....

How long will she be living with you. When is her wedding? Soon I hope for your sake.. 

Good luck.


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## lickcreek (Apr 7, 2006)

Ninn, while I don't have the answer for you, I can relate to what you are feeling! DD moved in during/after her divorce about 2 years ago. DS moved back at Christmas time a year ago. DD got the spare bedroom, DS ended up in the living room. His stuff is tucked away all over the house. DD, a natural born packrat, kept spilling out into the rest of the house as well. 

Okay, nothing helpful here, but I wanted you to know that I can really feel for you and the way they can disrupt your home by moving back. I had no toddler to deal with, just grown children who should know how to pick up after themselves. I asked no rent from either of them, just help keeping up the house they were living in. DS does well, if I am specific about what I need him to do. DD on the other hand, all I asked that she do EVERY DAY was to clear out the dish drainer and put the clean dishes away. It VERY seldom happened!

My only advice is to set the rules up NOW. I found myself picking up a lot of DD's stuff, packing it upstairs to her room and piling it on her bed. Much like when she was a teenager. You don't have the luxury of packing it to her "room". It has to remain in your living space. So you really need to talk to her and work something out so you can all be as comfortable as possible in that living space, given the situation. 

It sounds like you had a much better set of rules as your kids were growing up than I did, so you have better ground to begin on. Remind her of the rules of your house, when she moved back in the rules "still apply", and that includes to the baby too, which should be her responsibility. Work something out now, because I guarantee you, there WILL be pent up feelings, and they will NOT come out in a pleasant way!!

I truly love my DD. She is in the process of moving out now, and I can't tell you what a relief it is!


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## Ninn (Oct 28, 2006)

OH, ladies, does it get better. The fiancee dumper her, she is leaving for boot camp ina month and I have to empty my storage unit! Which means all the REST of that stuff needs to have a home here as well!!!!!! I am so gonna lose my mind.


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## Kathleen in WI (Nov 27, 2003)

She is leaving for boot camp? What about the baby?

I have to tell you, when my son moved back home with his wife, we had a similar problem. They were also in the living room. I was basically held hostage in my room unless she was at school and he was (finally) at work. It nearly drove me nuts. I love them but I finally lost my temper and they left. I hope you can straighten everything out before you lose your temper. I felt terrible, but I couldn't take any more.


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## Ninn (Oct 28, 2006)

Well, we are throwing up a shed really fast for the stuff in storage, and I am going to have to get it sorted out and sent to the people it belongs to. Almost none of it actually lives here.......lol. It all belongs to one child or another.

I have custody of the baby, he will stay here with me while she is in boot camp and at ait. As far as I know, I will be the one doing the actual raising of him for the next 4 or 5 years, while she is in the reserves, in school and working. She will also be learning by helping me. (she has NO IDEA what to do with him and has said so frequently. this is supposed to help her learn, as she has to work on his schedule, in my house to learn how to care for him properly.)

As for the mess, I'm just going to throw her stuff into laundry bags under the couch. She can decide what to do with it later. I just want my living room back!


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## Kathleen in WI (Nov 27, 2003)

That is wonderful that you will have such a big role in his life. I was adopted by my grandparents. I think they saved me from a very unstable life. Good for you!


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## Use Less (Nov 8, 2007)

Your daughter needs to get the child's father to agree voluntarily AND quickly, or she must go to court so that an appropriate amount of support is coming in from him. You need to find out about legal (temporary or permanent) custody of your grandchild. Don't think nothing will happen, because stuff does. It could be harder for you than her to get $$ from him, and money may be needed to raise him well. The father might decide to seek custody at any time, and she'd have a tough time keeping the courts from agreeing if she is posted overseas. And what if something happens to her while she is in the service? Nobody wants to borrow trouble, but you need to think through all the REALLY SERIOUS and CRUCIAL legal stuff now. Emptying the storage and dealing with her gear is on your mind because its right in front of you, but put that on a back burner and do this. Please. Sue


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## Alice In TX/MO (May 10, 2002)

We don't know what has already been done in that area. :angel:


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## Guest (Jun 10, 2008)

Ninn said:


> Very loudly and for a very long time. After nearly completing my spring cleaning, my wonderful youngest daughter and her son moved home. I love them. I want them here. But at the same time, I want them gone!!!! They have no bedroom, so they sleep in my living room, dress in my living room, play in my living room, etc. Nobody else can use the room!!!! I can't even get in there to clean the snake tank out without having to spend an hour cleaning the room first! *WHY are you cleaning THEIR mess? That's called ENABLING. Step on their stuff if you must, but get the snake tank cleaned out and forget cleaning up after them. If they can make a baby they can pick up their undies. * My lovely, comfy chair where I crochet is perpetually buried in her clean laundry that she cannot be bothered to put away. *So dump her stuff on the floor and crochet. If she doesn't respect her stuff enough to put it away why should you? * my video cabinet is hidden behind stacks of baby toys that do not get put away at the end of the day. *Is there another place to put either the toys or the video's? Does the baby NEED that many toys? * My bookshelves are being pillaged by a toddler who wants his own spot for his books. (Ok, I can share....) My carpet is a disaster needing a serious cleaning because his mother lets him eat in my livingroom. ( a huge no-no) And *why is Mom not being told that this is inappropriate? You might have to pick the grandkid up and put him in the dining room a few times before they get the idea. * The laundry costs have more than doubled from cloth diapering, but I don't mind that. What I MIND is washing clean dipes because she lets him play with them!!!!! *Mapquest can tell you where the nearest laundry is. She needs to take the laundry there for a few weeks. And why are YOU washing the dipes? *
> 
> Anybody wanna come help me haul out, rearrange and clean that room this weekend? I'll return the favor someday! I'm so tired of cleaning up the same darn mess all the time.


I'm at a loss as to why you're cleaning their messes up? Do they have that little respect for you and your home that they think they can act this way? You need to set them down and tell them that in order for them to continue to live in YOUR house they need to clean up after themselves EVERY DAY, do their own laundry, and follow the house rules. If they chose not to do that then they are effectively chosing to move out. Your house, your rules. Period.


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## Ninn (Oct 28, 2006)

Let's see if I can get all these questions answered. 

1. I clean up the mess because it bothers me more than it bothers them. It's in my way, and I want it gone. 

2. There is no other place to store the baby toys at this time, however, I had an idea the other day that might work. It's not that he has alot of them. It's that they are large! His busy table, which he loves, also stores his books. He has 3 or 4 trucks, 2 balls, some books and a doll, a bear, a monkey and a leopard. These fill up his tote pretty quickly. He also has blocks, a see and say and a large truck we play with outside. However, we don't leave it out there because it will get stolen.

3. Mom has been told repeatedly that he is to eat in his high chair. She has had to learn it from him, because he will go stand by the chair with his food now and cry. He knows where he is supposed to eat. 

4. I am well aware of where the nearest laundry is. It is a mile walk, one way. It is cheaper to wash in the machines that I own than to spend gas and money at the laundry. There is no way I'd make anyone carry wet and poopy dipes all that way, just to be turned back by the owners. 

And the reason that I wash the laundry instead of anyone else is because I have a nearly new washer and dryer and I want them to stay that way. They can sort their clothes out into loads and put them into hampers. I will wash and hang or dry in the dryer and them return them to her. Even my husband wouldn't dare touch my washer. That would be like him messing with my lawn mower or my power tools. It just isn't done..........lol

As for the paternity and custody questions, I don't think we have anything to worry about. Since we have no idea who his father actually IS, there is no worry over custody. There are several potentials, none of whom stand a snoballs chance in hades of ever getting custody of a child. The odds of even getting child support from them would not be worth the paperwork. 

Since Kimi will be sending home half of her pay each week for the baby, I don't anticipate needing to worry for his welfare. That is one reason she is going, is to be able to provide for him herself. Since the pool of potential dna donors is so large, domestics will not even test anyone. While it would be nice to know his medical history, at this point it is not a great loss. All of these people know that he might be theirs and not one of them is interested in being involved with him. The one person we suspect the most has already volunteered to sign away his parental rights, as he has 5 kids and is afraid his wife will leave him over this one. 

Kim has already gone to court and established that she has sole legal and physical custody of the baby. She did that last winter. Now she has assigned custody to me and sent copies to be filed at the courthouse. There is no court approval required for transfers unless it is part of a custody decision between 2 parents of a minor child. This just required her to notify them. 

With any luck, all that is left to do now is to get her things sorted and stored and begin adding on to the living room, so that he has his own sleeping area. She has an army attorney helping her with all of this, so we are not as worried as we might be. It has to be iron clad before they will let her leave for basic. 

As for what might happen is she is injured or killed in the service? The same as for any other family. We would raise her child to adulthood, making sure he knew that his mother sacrificed her life to give someone else the freedoms that he grew up with. It would not be easy or safe, but nothing really worth it ever is.


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## Honeybee (Oct 16, 2002)

Queen Bee said:


> Ninn, I will say a prayer for you. I was wondering if you could possible give her one of the bedrooms or another room with a door. Let her do her and the baby's laundry. Let her clean up their messes.
> 
> STOP babying her. I disagree, she is NOT a guest she is a family member that should have to follow all the rules of the house....
> 
> ...



I agree. My kids will try and get away with stuff like this too, especially my 22 yo son. But he has to clean it. Today was a big family cleaning day for us and everyone hates those, but I'm not going to clean up every mess they make. They can clean up too! We're remodeling and repairing the hold house we bought and have the same bedroom shortage, only 3 kids in the living room so I understand the shortage of space, it does complicate things. If you can tell her what you said in your opening post, that you want her and the baby there and then tell her "BUT" she has to help out and follow some simple rules won't she be agreeable? She's an adult now she should be appreciative and cooperative so maybe she just doesn't know some of these things are a problem for you??? I know when I was young I didn't realize how hard my mom worked to run a house! In fact I should probably publicly say "sorry mom" - LOL 

Maybe if you two can have a nice sit down talk you can split up the chores with her too?

BTW - I would not be washing any diapers, that's mamas job. LOL


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## Honeybee (Oct 16, 2002)

Just a thought... have you considered looking for an old washing machine on craigslist or something, there on there for free all the time. Then you could have a dedicated dipy machine and you wouldn't have to worry about ruining your new one. 

I am doing this for our muddy farm clothes. Just putting it on the back porch.


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