# Seeking Freedom



## SeekingFreedom (Feb 11, 2016)

This is my very first post here. I am a younger married man that is very intrigued by the homesteading lifestyle. One of my friends from the army is pursuing the very same dream that I have. He however has one edge over me, his wife is 100% on board. I am currently finishing up school towards my bachelors degree and will be put into the 9-5 business life. I am not by any means a business man. I feel I am doing what society and my family tells me I have to do. So as of now I plan to get my degree, look for a job and start going through the motions. However, I find no joy or benefit wasting time in an office working to earn money which I in turn spend on food and electricity. Obviously, the timing is not right. We have a young child, we are not 100% financially stable. I do however receive compensation from the VA so I have a steady income while my wife does work. Mentioning my wife we have had our ups and downs, I love her, but as for now I have no idea where our relationship is going. I can't picture spending a day without my child in my life. It's hard but at what cost do you make yourself unhappy if that's what it is? Things are stressful, they're just okay. Are all relationships just okay? I dream of having a small cabin on a piece of land, being as self sufficient as I can. My wife on the other hand, would absolutely have no part to do with that and has mentioned to me that if we ever split up she believes it would be because of my interest in this stuff. I have no idea how I'd start, if I could even come up with the will or way to pursue this, or even if I would be able to do it. My dream would be to have a cabin, solar powered, with running water. I don't want to be too unmodernized but I would love the disconnect. If this is off topic I apologize. I am just looking for some advice.


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## BohemianWaxwing (Sep 13, 2014)

SF, welcome to the forum!

Even getting a small off-grid cabin will cost something and those usually don't finance. You'll likely want to pace yourself in reaching your goal anyway, and working a paying 9-5 job is a good way to set yourself on the right track (I'm on year 15 or working a job that doesn't make my heart sing in order to set up a life for myself and my family that will - we're getting close now!). 

I'd encourage you to stay the course with your job and your family, work on building common ground with your wife. See if there aren't any aspects of homesteading that do appeal to her (off-grid cabin is a little extreme to jump right into). Try a suburban garden, a couple chickens in the backyard, making your own bread, sewing projects, sheep, etc. You may find that easing her into the idea over a period of time is more effective than jumping in feet first and getting overwhelmed yourself. You'll also have time this way to build a firm foundation financially and to practice some of the homesteading ways and find which ones suit you and which ones don't. 

Take advantage of your youth and grow into your dream. Best wishes for you in your journey!


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## meandtk (Jan 11, 2016)

SF,
Welcome.
I think it is good that you have the desire for homesteading.
I recommend building your family relationship. Become the man your wife wants to be with no matter what happens or where you are by growing your character. I remember wanting my wife to change much when I was young. The better man I've become, the better wife I find that I have. Perhaps this will be the case that you both grow together.
I think the advice given above is wise: take things in increments. Your wife may see the benefits if you take things slowly.


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## gundog10 (Dec 9, 2014)

I'll give you my answer to what I see as your most important question: are all relationships just OK. NO, My wife (of 41 years) is the love of my life and has been from the day I met her. I love my children and grand children but the only person I could not live without is my Wife. My wife has never tried to change who I am nor have I ever wanted to change who she is. I know many a married (ex) man who tried for years to become the man their wives wanted them to be and were so miserable with their lives they began cheating and finally divorced. I would take a hard look at yourself and what you want out of life and sit down with your wife and not only discuss your expectations in life but also your feelings with a life with her that is just ok. You only go through life once. It can be a great ride or it can be just ok, it's your life.


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## SeekingFreedom (Feb 11, 2016)

Thanks for all of your support! I've seen some good responses. Of course I know it takes money . I almost have my degree and I'll be able to get a decent paying job. I just don't want to get stuck in the business world. Wake up one day and say dang I did what I didn't want to do. We do have relationship issues, I could never cheat. We agree on hardly anything but I do love my daughter more than anything. I couldn't imagine not seeing her every day. I guess an unhappy relationship is just as unhealthy for her. I've tried changing, being someone other than me or maturing in ways I wasn't before, but at what point do I keep the stress and constant disagreement around. Everyone can say they've tried to change but it hasn't been great or even good for a while. We are working towards our goals but my goals are not really what I want. My goals(business world) are just what I decided was best with what I had and what I wanted at the time. Every relationship I've been around seems that they could have the same bickerings at home which is why I ask if all relationships are just good?


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## Moboiku (Mar 7, 2014)

You can homestead in the city. Not all homesteading is off-grid, solar, wind power - those are simply aspects. I view homesteading as being more self-sufficient and more in control of my food sources - less reliance on the commercial food industry. Off grid and energy efficiency would be nice but not practical for my family at the stage in our lives when we still need an external source of income.

Most people don't start by forsaking everything they've ever known and moving to a cabin. Most people - at least those who grew up living in a city - start by trying a few things in their suburban backyards and gradually expanding. That way they can find out if they find the work "worth it" or even enjoy doing it.

Try starting a veggie garden in your backyard and getting a few chickens if your by-laws allow it. You can also do rabbits for meat in most places since they are quiet and neighbors won't even know you have them. You can plant fruit trees instead of ornamentals. Quail are another option for suburban backyards. Some cities even allow a couple of goats.

Do a few small things like this to take control of your food sources and you may find that your wife and child enjoy them more than they expected to. Go from there.


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## KeeperOfTheHome (Dec 16, 2015)

I agree with what everybody says- stay the course with your job and marriage. Homesteading does *not* have to be all or nothing! I once heard a definition of homesteading that I believe many on the forum probably won't agree with, but it works for me- homesteading is taking any step towards independance and a more sustainable way of living. If right now you eat out a lot, try making dinner together once a week- that's a step towards doing things yourself. Also it's a date! If you keep two days of food in the fridge now, look up the FEMA guidelines for food storage- very reasonable, and it comes from a very non- homesteading source, so maybe your wife would be on board with that for the sake of the kid. 

Biggest thing is start slow. My husband was raised in a very 'keep up with the joneses' type family, and now he comes home talking about whether solar power is really sustainable in an shtf situation. If I'd put it like that when we were dating- that I wanted to live in an off grid tiny cabin, do the laundry by foot in a tub, and grow herbs for medicines- he probably wouldn't have married me.


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## KeeperOfTheHome (Dec 16, 2015)

Update- asked my husband, and he says It definitely would have freaked him out if I'd wanted to jump straight to the cabin. He would, however, like it to be known that he wants a washing machine. 

We're also young- 26, been married two years.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

Hi, SF.

My city-loving husband and I compromised: he started at his job and he then drove a reasonable commute out. He then started looking for a home in that area.

We ended up at a ordinary home on one acre of land. He does very little outside and he likes it that way: I do most of the outside work with the help of a riding lawn mower and a tiny chainsaw, and I like it that way. 

Your wife has made her expectations clear: can you set it up so that she can turn on the lights with a flip of a switch, and have running water? I suspect if you can guarantee that she will not be inconvenienced that she will not much care what is providing it. 

Now I wanted to homestead to have some land of my own that produced life and food, and I do have this. I got 2 eggs this morning and I am starting seeds inside and the bees I have ordered should arrive in April. I still need to clean the dead plants out of last years garden so that I can plant again this spring. We still need to eat up last years vegetables that I froze and so I am working on that. 

Life is good. I am closer to town than I cared for, but we both had to compromise.

If I were you, I would get your wife to narrow down what she needs to feel comfortable, such as being able to run a dishwasher, and figure out how you can provide it on a homestead. I know that DH WANTED! cable TV, which I do not value, but DH is a keeper and if that is what he needs to feel comfortable, then so be it!


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

SeekingFreedom said:


> We do have relationship issues, I could never cheat. We agree on hardly anything but I do love my daughter more than anything. I couldn't imagine not seeing her every day. I guess an unhappy relationship is just as unhealthy for her. I've tried changing, being someone other than me or maturing in ways I wasn't before, but at what point do I keep the stress and constant disagreement around. Everyone can say they've tried to change but it hasn't been great or even good for a while.


Can a 61 year old woman who is happily married to her polar opposite give a word of advice?

Do not change who you are, and do not expect her to change either. You each have the right to be who you are!

OK, supposing that she loves chick flicks and you do not. So? Supposing you love sports and she does not. So? Nothing to fight about there!

Supposing she loves power at the flick of a switch. She has it now: can you provide it using solar power? This is nothing to fight about it is a challenge. This is something for you to figure out. Because when she comes home from work with a list of things to do that night she will not want to be fiddling with batteries: she will want to put the dinner on to cook. 

2 people do not have to be compatible if they compliment. My DH loves TV and I do not. So he watches TV and I sit next to him reading and we play footsie during the commercials. We really are polar opposites but it does not matter. 

It stopped mattering that we were different when we stopped trying to change the other person.


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## MattB4 (Jan 3, 2016)

This seems to be more of a relationship issue than it is about homesteading requirements. I do not know why the OP married the gal he did. But now that there is a child to care for the situation is complicated. He may not like the situation he is in but he was the one that allowed it to come about. When you take on responsibilities your level of choices goes down. His duty is to his wife and child and any freedom has to be in the context of this. 

So yes, the 9-5 job is the future. Embrace it and work with it to make it a good future. Perhaps in 20 years you will get time off for good behavior.


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## SeekingFreedom (Feb 11, 2016)

Obvious there are relationship issues. Obviously there will have to be compromise. But to say I HAVE to spend 20 years in this relationship is wrong. We may better bond and become a better team but to stay in an unhappy relationship is not necessary. Divorce is real and so is people splitting up with kids. Whether it be business world or homesteading some people don't work together well enough to last. On the other hand I appreciate all of the support and advice. Like said above by many other users things change and so do plans. As well as people. I didn't go into marriage with a plan for what I will or not do... where I will or will not live.


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## Terri (May 10, 2002)

I think what people are trying to is to get you to reach for the joy that was once in your marriage. 

Too often today people marry for joy and for love, and then get so bogged down in working long hours and being "responsible" that they no longer take the time to enjoy their love. Marriages are happier if a couple takes the time for love and for joy. When enjoyment is nourished in a marriage, it is more likely to endure.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

Everywhere you go, college, office, factory, farm, and so on, you can learn something. When you go into that office, learn as much as you can. How the hierarchy works, how much a file clerk is paid, how do people get promoted. Everything you learn you will be able to use someday, even if it is a warning of what to stay away from.

While in the office, practice what you preach. Be kind to other people, they don&#8217;t want to be their either (surprised?). Look at both sides of a question. Be the leader you would like to follow regardless of your position.

After work/school, leave the day behind and pick up the day ahead. Kiss your wife when you leave in the morning and kiss her when you get home. This is the kind of habit that keeps you through the hard times and reminds you, on both a physical and spiritual level, that you are in this together.


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## MattB4 (Jan 3, 2016)

SeekingFreedom said:


> Obvious there are relationship issues. Obviously there will have to be compromise. But to say I HAVE to spend 20 years in this relationship is wrong. We may better bond and become a better team but to stay in an unhappy relationship is not necessary. Divorce is real and so is people splitting up with kids. Whether it be business world or homesteading some people don't work together well enough to last. On the other hand I appreciate all of the support and advice. Like said above by many other users things change and so do plans. As well as people. I didn't go into marriage with a plan for what I will or not do... where I will or will not live.


I never said you had to do anything. I just said you made choices and those choices are now limiting other choices you would like to have. If you really want to be a homesteader you better learn their are consequences to choices. 

Sure you could drop your wife and than deal with a messed up child later on. Your wife could also end up forcing the marriage ending herself if she has problems with you. Or perhaps you both can grow and mature to the point that you do not see the world from a narcissistic viewpoint. 

One thing for sure you should start planning things before doing them. You state you did not plan for what married life would bring, you also said that you are not really prepared for working in the profession you are getting educate in. It seems to me that you really need to stop winging it.


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## farmgal (Nov 12, 2005)

Can I chime in? I've been on another side of the coin. Injury limited me. It has taught me life is very short. It does not promise you tomorrow. 

None of us know your situation. None are there in the emotions. She's your wife and should see your point of view. Unfortunately, from what I learned at a certain age people know what they want in life, city, suburbs or country. There's no in between. 

I know I could never ever live anywhere but country. Canning, critters and lots of fresh air and hard work. This is life. Life is not getting my nails done, hanging at bars, having the newest car or the perfect lawn and lots of debt. This is a disease. A disease of " look at me, I have xyz". I don't give a hoot. I'm me and that's that. Take me as I am, riding my horse and playing in my garden. What does one value, Time or money? 

This is a serious decision, this is who each of you are in your hearts. I'd die if I was stuck in the city, I'd die.


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## simi-steading (Sep 27, 2012)

Just a short story to give you some food for thought... 

My wife and I lived in DC and made fat money in very cushy jobs. I worked on K Street, her right next to the WH. We were right in the middle of all that was happening in this country... 

We were both tired of that life, but my wife was even more tired of it than I was... She wanted to move to WV and grow chickens.

The country life was new to neither one of us. We moved to DC From IL, and we rented the house on a 100 acre hog farm in IL. My wife grew up in a very small rural town, and I moved in and out of the country all my life.

SO I got on board with her, and we found a place to homestead about 5 hours from DC.

We moved out here with 10's of thousands of dollars saved, and after taking two years of traveling every weekend to WV from DC to work on the house and get it fixed up and livable, we were able to quit our jobs and move in our third year of owning it. BTW, we have built up some really good equity, but it cost us a fortune to do that. Right now, I'd say were were a little over double our investments in equity. However, our bank accounts are almost empty... 

We've dropped a ton of money in this place fixing it up.. It's in no way cheap. You better be VERY financially stable before you make the move, especially if the place needs a lot of work. I was lucky, and had a whole lot of the tools I needed for out here, but I still had to spend thousands to get things we didn't have... 

My wife now isn't very happy with all this. She has to drive 45 miles one way to work, doing the same thing she did in DC, at only about 1/3 the pay, and working almost twice as hard. We've got plans still though that should eventually get her out of all that. She is just trying to hang on... 

Now my story isn't normal of what happens t people who move to "homestead" but it is very common, that it's not what people envisioned when they had the idea... 

We knew my wife would work, and I'd stay home and work on the house and the land, but turns out, I'm the happy one, and she isn't so much... and it all started as her idea.. 

Is this a "careful what you wish for" story? I don't think so, but I think its a "careful what you do" unless you want your life and attitude changed drastically... 

What I can say, be VERY STABLE in your love life and your financial life before you try the romanticism of "homesteading"

BTW, we are working on trying to get a small business started so we can hopefully grow from there, but it's all to be seen, and it's a slow process, and we know that. We both believe it's worth all the work we'e been dumping into our lives and our home..


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## suitcase_sally (Mar 20, 2006)

Do you _really want_ to "homestead"? Or, is it just some _romanticized idea_ of homesteading?

Your name "Seeking Freedom", says a lot. Are you still very young? (under 35). If you are having relationship issues now, without fixing the underlying problems, you are just going from one problem to another.

Another gem of advice that I learned from my mate: Pick your fights. Don't be a "right fighter". Don't pick and argue over every issue just so you can wear the crown of "right". Sometimes, just _sometimes_, you could be wrong.


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## Jokarva (Jan 17, 2010)

I'm numbering these so I can keep them straight in my head. I'm old, what can I say...

1- A degree doesn't necessarily mean an office job. Most degrees can be utilized several different ways. Find a way that suits you because...

2- Building up a homestead can be expensive. Everything costs more, is heavier to move and takes more time than you'd think possible. We, like Simi, also moved from the DC area. Retired from good jobs, had savings and no mortgage. It's been shocking how much money we've spent getting the place to work for us. You need money to live, even in the boonies.

3- Not everyone in the city lives shallow lives. I gardened, composted, shopped at thrift stores, fixed everything possible ourselves. You can homestead in the city/suburb, just on a smaller scale.

4- DH and I have been married 34 years, together 36. We are not one of those couples who lives in bliss and rub one another's feet every night. We love and take care of each other, but understand we're both imperfect, difficult people and that there are ups and downs in every relationship. When a friend (divorcing for the third time) asked if we are happy, I told her we are happy enough. Only you can decide if you're happy enough.

Good luck!


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## ceresone (Oct 7, 2005)

I think the biggest thing is being "content" if you are not, then fix it


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## JCinTX (Feb 19, 2013)

Hello, I just read this as I have not been on here for a while.

A couple of thoughts: I have been dreaming (for lack of a better word) of a &#8220;country&#8221; lifestyle since I was a child. I grew up in Houston but always yearned for something different. People told me I didn&#8217;t know what I was talking about because I never experienced the inconveniences of country life and would not like it. When I was in my 30s, I had a chance to do it and commute 40 miles to work. I loved it and never looked back. I guess there was something inside of me that told me what was right for me. 
Flash forward to now, I had to move back to Houston to care for my elderly parents. My rat-race job is here now and I am trying to get back to the life I want. I will get there eventually. Until then, I there is something missing.

I believe some of us are cut out for it and know it, and some of us aren&#8217;t. Our hearts tell us what is right. That being said, it&#8217;s best to spend as much time in a country environment before moving to be as sure as possible. Sometimes a person may not want to be there as much as they are yearning for an escape from where they are and that&#8217;s not the same thing.

As for your wife, she might change her mind. My ex said he would never live in the country. He said he was a city boy. Well, he and I split up years ago and he and his current wife are moving to Montana to live &#8211; you guessed it &#8211; a rural life. Turns out he really likes it. Your wife might also at some point. 

I don&#8217;t know if you are tied to where you live but if you can get to a town like San Antonio where I was, it is possible to commute without spending two hours each way. You can live on 5 acres and still work in town and make a good salary, have insurance, etc. At days end, you have peace and quiet.

Another thought: Just because you are completing your degree (Congratulations!) does not mean you have to take a 9-5 desk job. Degrees open all kinds of doors. There are other paths available to you that can take you out of that grind. You have given yourself more options by getting the degree and are in a great spot. It&#8217;s a perfect time for you to think about what really makes you tick and work on a plan. Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 20 years? You say the country but that can be many things. It might mean having a great second home/retreat or it might mean living in or outside of a small town. What if yall started taking rural vacations once or twice a year? Your wife might find out she enjoys it as much as you. Find out if you love the coast, the desert, the mountains, tropics, open prairies, or deep woods. Find out if you hate the heat or cold.
Think of jobs that give you flexibility on where to live. One that comes to mind is most healthcare jobs. Also, teaching, trucking, peace officer, being a business owner, or working for the forest or ag service for the county or state. Remember that working for the state or county will give you MUCH better retirement. 

I would not butt heads with your wife over it at this point. Just think about what you would like to do for job, how you can get there, and then talk with her about it. She might be scared of the idea because she thinks you want to give up working altogether. No one has that option these days&#8230;.

Think it over. Go talk to someone you respect &#8211; a pastor, a family member, etc. 
And thank you for your service! God bless.


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## cntrywmnkw (Jun 5, 2013)

First, welcome to the forum, lots of great info & people here.
As to your question, what homesteading skills to you have if any, with homesteading, you're going to have to be a "jack of all trades", so learn carpentry, mechanics, gardening, etc, homesteading is NOT for the faint of heart, it's a lot of work, hard work, so before you jump into going "off grid", do as others have suggested, start SLOW right where you are now, get your finances in order, sit down with your wife & talk things through, is she willing to learn to bake bread (if she doesn't now), start making things from scratch, work a garden, learn to can, mend clothes, etc, or is she the type that doesn't like to get her hands dirty (not criticizing, just asking question, it's important) cause you're going to get dirty homesteading, but, it's also very rewarding, especially when you make a meal or even part of it, from food you've raised yourself, main thing is, get some skills before you jump into a totally new lifestyle & work together, not against each other.


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