# I am a Farm Nazi



## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

My husband told me so.

I now have a 17 yr stepson that moved into my house 2 months ago.

I've explained to him what chores I expect him to do.

The 17 yr old promised me before I went to bed he would do these chores.

So I come home after work, and there were no fans on in the barn and it was 103 degrees outside. Dogs have not been fed, and water has not been changed.

And he was sitting on his butt watching hunting shows and texting.

Today husband could not do the chores before leaving for work, so he called his son @7:00 am to go let the sheep out and do the chores.

Husband calls me back and said he's getting up and doing it.

I call home @ 8:00 and he is still in bed. And the animals are still waiting.

My stepson continues to make promises to me and his father and does not follow thru. 

I am new to this stepmom thingy, and so far I am not enjoying the laziness of a 17 yr old boy in my home. Along with my house being out of order and all the food/drinks being eaten.


Yes I am a farm Nazi.

Go ahead let me have it. Tell me what an aweful person I am.


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## Kazahleenah (Nov 3, 2004)

Time to take the phone and TV. Sorry, but at 17, he needs to learn responsibility.
I think you are being nice about it... I'd be showing him how miserable he is making the animals.


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## SFM in KY (May 11, 2002)

Sorry, I don't think you're tough enough.

No phone. No TV. No A/C? No soft drinks?

At this point maybe no food ... maybe a bunk out in the barn?

Sorry ... a 17 year old would not be living in my house at my expense and be pulling this kind of BS ...


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## nduetime (Dec 15, 2005)

If you are a "farm Nazi" then there are a good many around. Seriously, he is making the animals wait on his leisure? Not gonna happen. I agree with Kazahleenah...take the phone and I would add a foot to the posterior to get him moving. Speaking of moving...follow the rules and do the chores or move out! You do not need any extra work added by another semi-adult. Ridiculous! My 10 year old grandson gets up before me when he stays and volunteers for chores. Sheesh!


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## tkrabec (Mar 12, 2003)

SFM in KY said:


> Sorry, I don't think you're tough enough.
> 
> No phone. No TV. No A/C? No soft drinks?
> 
> ...


You eat after the animals do. That is one of the rules I'm trying to get in place at my house.


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## City Bound (Jan 24, 2009)

I would be very angry at this kid. I would tell him that he better do his chores or his privalages will be taken away. If he persists to be a problem, warn him that he is giving you now choice but to kick him out of the house when he hits 18.


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

Oh.. oh dear.
He has had 17 years of sloth, no rules, no responsibility etc...
He may actually live in your house, sitting on your couch forever.....
It may actually be too late.
But if your DH is in your corner, you might be able to whip him in to shape ..a bit.
But it must be a solid front with no weakness or wishywashy signals.

If you are both together and strong, then you can take away the phone, etc..
if it is just you.... develop a nice drinking habit to dull the rage.


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## BarbadosSheep (Jun 27, 2011)

Oh man...I feel for you! I agree with the others. Lay down the law. Animals are cared for BEFORE meals. And take away his privileges now, giving them back after he straightens up. You HAVE to get hubby on board with this though. Without his support, you will be the "wicked step mother" and will accomplish nothing with him. And you may be supporting his lazy ----- 10 years from now.


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## olsonla (Dec 5, 2005)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you have no RIGHT to expect/ demand ANY chores to be done from your STEP Son... i found this out the hard way..... hence my recent divorce, from the father who thought i was much to harsh and demanded to much, on poor fragil 15 yo Stepson, to ask child to do basic chorse around the farm, the same chorse i had at the age of 9! - that same child has since dropped out of school, never got his DL, never held a job, braggs about his pot smoking -tv watching -sleep til noon life at the age of 20..... :shocked:

If your Husband is not going to enforce any reponsibilities on this CHILD, then it will never happen, and there is nothing you can do about it.....


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## seedspreader (Oct 18, 2004)

chickenista said:


> Oh.. oh dear.
> He has had 17 years of sloth, no rules, no responsibility etc...
> He may actually live in your house, sitting on your couch forever.....
> It may actually be too late.
> ...


This. 

Please visit www.themodernhomestead. com

Sent from my Android via Tapatalk.


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## homstdr74 (Jul 4, 2011)

The lazy like this kid are going to be the real problem if times ever do get really tough. Not only will they be a problem to others, they will be a problem to themselves. No work, no eat and...if they steal food, well, I'm not sure what might happen in a real survival situation.

You'd be doing everyone a favor if you and your husband could straighten him out and get him to understand self-discipline.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

chickenista said:


> Oh.. oh dear.
> He has had 17 years of sloth, no rules, no responsibility etc...
> He may actually live in your house, sitting on your couch forever.....
> It may actually be too late.
> ...


And there lies the problem, husband is weak just wants everyone to be happy except me.

I work in town an hr away. Come home to find him sitting watching hunting shows every single day. I have told my husband. And he just wants everyone to be HAPPY!!! I get so mad I even quit cooking because, I was cooking the other day and husband and son came into kitchen and did not offer to help and was in my way to get to the sink from the stove. I asked them to go into the living room while I cooked. The son pulled up a chair to the island and just sat there looking at me. So I told him I didnt need an audeince either go into the living room with your dad. He said to me"why I'm not in your way".....and husband did nothing!!!...so I turned off the oven and stove and went out to the barn to do chores!!....30 min later husband finds me and ask when supper would be ready...I said "never if your son doesnt leave my kitchen!!"...I cannot believe what I heard next...My husband told me that "maybe if I would explain why I wanted him out of the kitchen instead of telling him to go to the living room while you cook he would have left."


I'm sorry but are you KIDDING ME!!!!!


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

Sounds like your husband has a lot of guilt over his past and wants to do anything to please his son. This must end immediatly.

Your husband needs to understand that the job of a father is not to please his son or to be his friend, its to raise a child to be a responsible adult and he needs to get on with this immediatly. 
The two of you need to sit down and come up with a list of reasonable chores, a time frame to get them done in and punishments for not doing chores in a timely manner. Then HE needs to sit his son down and lay out the rules that both of you came up with.

Sorry you're going through this, but you're husband needs to lose the baggage from his past and get on with his duty.


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## SFM in KY (May 11, 2002)

I guess I don't understand why this kid is in your house? Is he still in high school, did his mother kick him out or what? I know there are always things you can't control, but I think at this point, I would sit DH down and tell him "him or me but not both of us ... choose!"

I don't care whose kid it is, mine, his, ours, someone else's entirely ... not in my house!

I have a step-SIL who is going through a similar situation only it's her own son and he's 19 I think. I have to bite my tongue every time we talk because there's absolutely no point in my saying what I would like to say ... she won't listen and would be upset. But I simply don't understand the attitude, all it does is enable the kid to continue the behavior.


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## dragonfly65 (Sep 29, 2002)

Unless you have a really good relationship with this child (and his mother), your husband needs to be the one to lay down the law and carry out any discipline with the understanding that you are there to help enforce the discipline. 

You will probably have to work on one thing at a time. Water is absolutely vital for immediate survival, food is necessary, but the critters will live if they have to wait a couple hours. 

You will have a much harder time if one of you can't be there to supervise him actually doing the chores for a while. Even my 22 year old son does a better job when he knows I am watching from the house. Some kids have an innate laziness that has to be worked out of them. Every so often my son slacks off to the point of warranting a "discussion" with his father (something all my kids, even as adults, try to avoid at ALL costs - his discussions can last for a very long time and he repeats himself a lot). 

Getting this child at 17 will take some work to try to get him to fall into line. Mine has had these expectaions of him since he was little and he still slacks off sometimes. But the boy is lazy to the bone - unless his girlfriend wants him to do something.....


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

Oh..oh dearie, dearie me.
(though in that particular circumstance I may have offered to teach the boy to cook.. 'here..chop this") He might end up being the family cook, who knows. That would be something. He was in the room with you..at least.

There are two ways, maybe 3, that you can go about dealing with this.

Take the boy with you when you do chores..get him involved in the farm and with you a bit. And/or buy him a pig, sheep etc.. oh his own if he wants. This may not work at all.

Family meeting..big time. Air it all out. Explain (calmly) how it is not fair, or proper, that he eats for free when everyone and everything else works for a living. Ask him what he is interested doing around the house. (this meeting follows the deep, long, long meeting with your DH where it is all laid on the line)

Go hardnose. No food, no nothing etc.. until he completely bows to your will. Good luck with this one. WWIII would be more pleasant.


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## nduetime (Dec 15, 2005)

Oh my Fowler! therein lies your biggest issue. If I may be so bold to say...you need a private talk with your hubby. 

You both have to be on the same team, with the same goals for this boy/man. If not, this child could easily drive you apart. Been there, seriously been there. 

I talked with my hubby and we decided together that WE were a team. Even if I did not agree with everything he said or did...in front of my son I did agree. Then DH and I would work it out together later...alone.

If your Dh continues to side against you for the boy/man you are headed for trouble. A better reply for him would have been, "Son, didn't my wife just tell you to leave the kitchen? Do so ...now"

I will be saying prayers for your family that it all works out. Hang tough, keep love in the picture.


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## Otter (Jan 15, 2008)

olsonla said:


> I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you have no RIGHT to expect/ demand ANY chores to be done from your STEP Son..


BWAHABWAHBWAHAHAHAHAA! :ROFL:

She has the RIGHT because it's HER house and HER food. And if any of HER money is going towards that phone, that makes it HER phone.

If you want to eat in my house, I don't give a monkey toot who you are - you're working. My BIL gets handed a plate, veggie and knife. If I can do it to not my brother/not my husband, you can be sure I'll do it to not my kid.

I had steps. I never had a problem with them. I had problems with their father being a jerk (which is what the problem with steps nearly always is)
Once their father understood;
I am not a sitter.
I am not a maid.
I am not a short order cook.
This is not a hotel.
My house, my rules, there *will* be sanity and accountability or you can ALL leave and go to a hotel and hire a maid, and a sitter, and a cook, because I personally did not have these children or raise them to be this way and no one has the RIGHT to force me to put up with this in *my own home.*
Then we all got on great.
I'm sorry that your ex was too much of a jerk to back you up, but oh, heck yeah, does Fowler have the RIGHT.


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## kirkmcquest (Oct 21, 2010)

Its has to come from the father, step-family relationships are VERY fragile and complicated. There is always ( ALWAYS ) a bit of resentment and nothing will make it worse than one trying to impose him/her-self on the other.

I lived with this as a child, my father married a very demanding woman who thought she was 'in charge' of me when I went over to visit him. At 16 I had already been the man of my house for four years. I did all the things that other kid's fathers did ( take out the garbage, mow, weed, fix things, take care of the dog, etc ) at home. As far as I was concerned she was nothing to me but the woman my father married who lived in his house. I went there to visit my father, period. I'm sure to some I might have seemed like a 'snot nose' kid but I saw it very differently.

Anyway, whenever I would visit she would try to impose a lot on me which I would completely ignore. I was there to visit my dad and felt myself a guest in his home and expected to be treated the same way we always treated guests in our home. She took the opportunity to try and impose herself and let me know she was in charge and that I was in her territory. I would casually ignore everything she said, which drove her nuts. We never got along, ever.

The only step relationships that I have seen work is when the step parent drops all pretense of trying to be a parent and focuses on building a friendly, mutually respectful relationship. 

This is not your child, and he knows it.


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## Immaculate Sublimity (Apr 30, 2003)

I'd venture to say... if she continues trying to pit husband against son, it will very likely BE hers hers hers - until then - its theirs.

Theres obviously a MUCH deeper underlying issue than just the lazy stepson syndrome. 

I can tell you this- I'd never marry a partner that couldnt get over their issues with my kids. Thats mistake number one. ESPECIALLY not partner that didnt realise those children were actually a PART of me.

Forcing someone to choose their loyalties - blood over sex really isnt something I'd like to find myself involved in. I'll choose blood -every time.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

kirkmcquest said:


> Its has to come from the father, step-family relationships are VERY fragile and complicated. There is always ( ALWAYS ) a bit of resentment and nothing will make it worse than one trying to impose him/her-self on the other.
> 
> I lived with this as a child, my father married a very demanding woman who thought she was 'in charge' of me when I went over to visit him. At 16 I had already been the man of my house for four years. I did all the things that other kid's fathers did ( take out the garbage, mow, weed, fix things, take care of the dog, etc ) at home. As far as I was concerned she was nothing to me but the woman my father married who lived in his house. I'm sure to some I might have seemed like a 'snot nose' kid but I saw it very differently.
> 
> ...


Then what shall I do?, he lives in my house, I was his friend when he visited.
He is still playing the visiting role. And guess what? I pay for his food. His dad is gone 2 weeks a month or more. Visiting time is over!!


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## kirkmcquest (Oct 21, 2010)

Fowler said:


> Then what shall I do?, he lives in my house, I was his friend when he visited.
> He is still playing the visiting role. And guess what? I pay for his food. His dad is gone 2 weeks a month or more. Visiting time is over!!


If he lives there permenently then that's a different story...is he visiting for the summer??

I'd say if he's visiting for the summer you have to treat him like a visiting relative of your husbands...he is your guest. If he is living there permenently then it's more complicated, obviously you have a right to expect certain things in a permenent situation. Either way, if he's a lazy boy ( a lot of boys are lazy ) you are going to have friction.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Immaculate Sublimity said:


> I'd venture to say... if she continues trying to pit husband against son, it will very likely BE hers hers hers - until then - its theirs.
> 
> Theres obviously a MUCH deeper underlying issue than just the lazy stepson syndrome.
> 
> ...


I would never ask my husband to choose me over his son. That is not the issue. It's respect and do what you say your gonna do. 
I do expect my stepson to respect me in my home. After all His father is gone 2 or more weeks a month. The stepson needs to step up to live in our home. And my husband needs to step up and be a father not a friend.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

kirkmcquest said:


> If he lives there permenently then that's a different story...is he visiting for the summer??
> 
> I'd say if he's visiting for the summer you have to treat him like a visiting relative of your husbands...he is your guest. If he is living there permenently then it's more complicated, obviously you have a right to expect certain things in a permenent situation. Either way, if he's a lazy boy ( a lot of boys are lazy ) you are going to have friction.


He moved in, not visiting for the summer, if he was only visiting for the summer, I would let him waste away, because I wont have to deal with it much longer....LOL


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Otter said:


> BWAHABWAHBWAHAHAHAHAA! :ROFL:
> 
> She has the RIGHT because it's HER house and HER food. And if any of HER money is going towards that phone, that makes it HER phone.
> 
> ...


You hit the nail on the head....this is exactly how I feel. However I am being very patient with stepson and husband. I dont want myself to blow up, so I talk to my husband about these issues in a calm fashion and he keeps making excuses for his son. I swear if I knew that another RESPONSIBLE person would take care of the animals for a while I would leave. Basically the animals is the only reason I havent left for a few days already.


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

Um, yeah. You have to build a relationship before you start trying to parent a 17 year old who.... why did he move out of mama's house? Did she not want him anymore, does she have a new man and babies? Have you been with his father for years, years that this boy may have been told you are the devil incarnate?

Turn it around. You're 17, that weird almost-adult place, but you still, hopefully, love your parents. You move from mom's to dad's, and suddenly this woman who is no relation to you wants to act like your mother, but without the foundtion of a relationship of any sort. Your dad is gone half the month, which makes you feel forgotten and little more than the Mrs.'s hired help... and whose idea were these animals to begin with? And if he's not been raised with them, he may have no clue what to do or why. 

You see? Let go of any "shoulds" and get to know the kid/be civil to him and attempt conversation. You're just breeding conflict and resentment they way you're acting right now.

Seen it more often than I care to count. In one sitiuation, the girl is 17 and the stepdad who tells her what to do with no relationship gets nothing but anger. The stepmom who bothers to spend time with the girl talking and generally acting like a caring adult, the girl volunteers to help with chores before she's even asked. *shrug* Your choice to keep butting heads with this kid or not.

I don't understand why you were rude to the boy. If he were thirty would you have barked that you didn't need an audience, or said "Hey Joe, would you mind going into the living room?" Respect breeds respect. You're setting yourself up for problems here, I'm afraid.

I'm all for shared responsibility in a family. But then you hve to treat each other as family, or it becomes a mess of resentment and half done frustrations.


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## Lada (Jun 7, 2008)

You have every right to demand certain behavior in your household. It seems as if your husband is o.k. with the status quo as long as it doesn't affect HIS happiness. So, make it affect his happiness. Don't tattle to him that stepson is behaving poorly. Let stepson be the one running to daddy. He will eventually tire of the tattling and take some kind of action.

Get the bum up every morning. When you leave, he leaves. Lock the door. Make sure he doesn't have a key. Cancel the t.v. Shop for enough groceries to make your meals (and your husband's if you're feeling charitable  ). Don't buy any snack items or convenience foods. Do your own chores, but make sure he understands that you are not running a shelter. If he wants to have access to the comforts of home, he needs to contribute. Until then, he can sleep there, but that's it. No t.v., no food, no use of the laundry facilities.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

jen74145 said:


> Um, yeah. You have to build a relationship before you start trying to parent a 17 year old who.... why did he move out of mama's house? Did she not want him anymore, does she have a new man and babies? Have you been with his father for years, years that this boy may have been told you are the devil incarnate?
> 
> Turn it around. You're 17, that weird almost-adult place, but you still, hopefully, love your parents. You move from mom's to dad's, and suddenly this woman who is no relation to you wants to act like your mother, but without the foundtion of a relationship of any sort. Your dad is gone half the month, which makes you feel forgotten and little more than the Mrs.'s hired help... and whose idea were these animals to begin with? And if he's not been raised with them, he may have no clue what to do or why.
> 
> ...


He moved out of his mom's house because she made him do chores.

I take him 4 wheeling, we hang out and play WII, I take him out to dinner.

I have had a relationship with him for 4 years.
His dad is trying to be his buddy and they both sit at the kitchen island and make fun of everything I do. Even if I drop a fork. (It gets old quick) even if I burn myself.
When I tell you to leave my kitchen you leave, or no food period.

I am not butting heads with him, he is showing off in front of his dad, because he knows dad thinks it's funny.


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

Ok.. so he lives there permanently. DH is absent most of the time.
It is time for the two of you to build you very own relationship.
It is just the two of you. This CAN work.

Deep conversation. You aplogize for being a grump and admit your flaws. Encourage him to man up to his.
Explain what you need and what his role must now be. Technically he is sorta kinda the man of the house half the time.
Teach him to cook and encourage him to cook what he likes.
Do the barn chores with him for a while.
You guys are now a team and you have to be in order for the place to continue to run.
Gentle reminders when he messes up.

Give it a few weeks ... if it doesn't work then you can implement the harsh methods. Lock the fridge and cabinets. Take the phone if you pay for it. Disable the tv etc.... and he can earn back the priviledges.


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

Fowler said:


> He moved out of his mom's house because she made him do chores.
> 
> I take him 4 wheeling, we hang out and play WII, I take him out to dinner.
> 
> ...


Ah, I see. I got a different ppicture with the first post.

I think his dad is your problem, more than the kid. Get your H in line and the kid will follow. I'd not do a thing for a man who treated me like that.

You're going to be living with your H for years. The kid, maybe another 12 months. Invest accordingly.

I'm so sorry he's being a brat.


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## mistletoad (Apr 17, 2003)

Your husband laughs if you burn yourself? And you think your stepson is the problem?


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## Otter (Jan 15, 2008)

Can I just throw in, I have been on every side of this issue.
As a kid, my parents divorced, I had a stepmom and my mom had a series of boyfriends. As an adult, my ex came with 2 kids, now DH and DD are steps.
It all boils down to territory and the other parent.

My stepmom; we didn't like each other, but we respected each other. I was coming into her house and she was my father's wife. When I came for weekends, I was the very polite guest (guests have responsibilities to the host as much as hosts have responsibilities to the guests) and when we lived there she was the Adult In Charge. Her house, her rules, she and Dad backed each other up. It wasn't a cakewalk - but it wasn't automatic resentment and chaos either.

My mom's boyfriends; It was up to them. If they wanted to try to move in and take charge, sometimes before saying hello - umm, no. They reaped all the resentment and rebellion we could muster - which was a lot. If they acted like human beings and eased their way in, they found sweet, reasonable kids.
They could act like a parent (hint, parents care) They just couldn't get away with that drill sergeant nonsense.

With my steps; they were visiting my house (their dad moved in with me). They were always welcome, I had a smile for them every time I saw them, they got treated like my nieces and nephews did. But I would not be disrespected or ignored in my own house. And yes, while they were there they couldn't leap on the furniture, rip up books, scream and throw fits about food and spit on the table or stay up till all hours.
If they wanted to pull that "You're not my mother so I will be a horrid little demon" nonsense, I made it clear that their father could take them elsewhere. No, I wasn't their mother - but they don't tear up anyone else's house and scream at them - as "not their mother" I didn't have to put up with them if I didn't want to.
They quickly found out I was way more fun, more honest, more reliable then Dad and it was worth eating what was served and going to bed at 10 to spend time with me.

Now, DH moved in with us. He eased in, didn't charge in like a bull to take over. If I didn't trust him with my child he would never have made it through the door. From day one I demanded that DD at the very minimum show him the same respect that she should give any adult I give partial charge of her, like her teacher or babysitter. She isn't allowed to scream at her teacher, throw things at the babysitter, backtalk her aunt, etc - she's not allowed to do it to him. If she has a problem she comes to me and I fix it.
At the same time, I backed him up. If he said do something, it was "Did you hear that? Go do it please." and he and I would talk about it later if I disagreed. They were able to build their own relationship with me as the go-between if needed.
Now, there is no step there. Not in their minds, not in their hearts. I don't see any reason why there would HAVE to be, and feel very happy and lucky there isn't.

Step-relationships do not HAVE to be trainwrecks full of resentment. If kids want respect, tehy need to give it. If adults want respect, they need to give it. And the bio-parents need to not feel sorry for everyone involved and step up to the plate and parent.


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## Lizza (Nov 30, 2005)

Your problem (from what I've read) is the Dad (your hubby) and that is where you need to put your energy to straighten up the stepson. You are in a sticky situation and I am sorry. I can even imagine the frustration (and anger) I would feel if I had a lazy kid sitting on the couch with hot hungry thirsty animals outside. 

It is possible that this is the relationship that your husband wants with his son and I'm not sure there is much you can do about that.


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

I would go on strike....go camping nearby and do animal chores in the early am and pm, then dissapear. They can shop, cook and clean for themselves. Just say you need a vacation from their attitudes.


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## Peacock (Apr 12, 2006)

I agree with you completely. 

I have two sit-on-their-butt teens and I completely empathize.

But I have to say this -- I am tired of seeing "Nazi" used to blithely describe anyone who is strict and unreasonable. *Real* Nazis were so much worse, it's not even in the same universe. I get that it was hubby that said it and she's only quoting him - but geez. You know? Just a peeve of mine.


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## snowshoehair (Jul 3, 2008)

Peacock said:


> I agree with you completely.
> 
> I have two sit-on-their-butt teens and I completely empathize.
> 
> But I have to say this -- I am tired of seeing "Nazi" used to blithely describe anyone who is strict and unreasonable. *Real* Nazis were so much worse, it's not even in the same universe. I get that it was hubby that said it and she's only quoting him - but geez. You know? Just a peeve of mine.


I agree with Peacock.

I'd also like to add that teaching children responsibility, to respect their elders, and how to care for one's self are all part of good parenting ... part of preparing them for the future.


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## chewie (Jun 9, 2008)

chickenista said:


> Oh.. oh dear.
> He has had 17 years of sloth, no rules, no responsibility etc...
> He may actually live in your house, sitting on your couch forever.....
> It may actually be too late.
> ...


you have my utmost sympathy, this is a really tricky situation. and I think this post is spot on. but to tell ya, you are not being unreasonable in the least!! I demand the same from my kids too, and even tho they grew up with this, once in a blue moon I still get resistance! DH and I are on the same page tho., he's usually much more demanding than I am even. 

are the animals 'yours' or are they producers for the family? if they are yours alone, and hubs isnt going to back you up, you may just have to do it yourself so you can be sure its done, and done right. if it came to that, I'd be sure HE doesnt get one ounce of my efforts but it just might be that way. and, at that rate, I'd be encouraging him to find a job and his own place as soon as he's graduated.


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## Buffy in Dallas (May 10, 2002)

Fowler said:


> His dad is trying to be his buddy and they both sit at the kitchen island and make fun of everything I do. Even if I drop a fork. (It gets old quick) even if I burn myself.


OK, Stepson is not the problem. Jerk husband is the problem! :flame: That is abusive behavior. If my hubby did that to me he would end up single real fast!!! :frypan:


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

I hate to say this but YOU are in for some kind of trouble! My husbands nephew, started this very thing w/ his parents, they couldn't/wouldn't do anything to correct him--sent him to my inlaws to live... Father in law had him walking a tight rope--on the farm--DOING his part... Then FIL died and left the 16yr to do what he wanted because my MIL thought he was too sad, too hurt, too upset, needed time, everyone was against him etc etc---so he became a lazy, smart-rear in-who watched tv, quit school, doing nothing but what HE wanted.. Well, at 40 he has recked havoc on this entire family. He and his wife have children by ex who the state care for-neither work, drive (both lost their lic..for running from the law and driving under the influence). NOW they sit at home making crack, on welfare, complaining because they are suffering and my dh and I don't care--they actually came and said that--since they needed an ac and a new pump and we wouldn't give it to them and we had the money- we didn't care about them! They pay no rent(his aunt's trailer)-they get free dental/medical , they get food stamps, they have to ask someone to take them everywhere, they have a two yr who can't talk, still gets a bottle, has problems, and NEITHER would work in a pie factory tasting pies IF you would feed it to them!! But they can go to the beach two times at yr., they can drink beer/smoke all day long, he pays 1000+$ a yr for a hunt club dues and dog food for a pack of hounds. She has her fil take her to Walmart twice a month and buys all kinds of crafts, clothes, junk food...etc.

Your dh needs to man up and get busy because this world doesn't need another leach!


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## Nomad (Dec 19, 2002)

Throw them both out unless the husband decides to grow a spine. The little creep knows he has you right where he wants you and he is reveling in it. Husband and wife are supposed to come first for each other and support each other before any other. That young punk would be finding a new home very quickly if it were my place.

Nomad


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## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

If you AND your husband expect your step-son to do certain things, then you should be on the same page. Having a kid who would allow animals to go without or even suffer would be an embarrassment to me, and I would tell your husband that - in those words, but gently. Tell him you'd like a step-son you can be proud of, but that he's letting you down, letting HIM down, and that your husband not taking a stand to motivate his son is letting YOU down. You're a wife and your husband's equal so he better darn well respect you and make sure his son respects you too.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Nomad said:


> Throw them both out unless the husband decides to grow a spine. The little creep knows he has you right where he wants you and he is reveling in it. Husband and wife are supposed to come first for each other and support each other before any other. That young punk would be finding a new home very quickly if it were my place.
> 
> Nomad



I agree 100%! Daddy has to grow a pair.

So he wants everybody to be happy, does he!? Well, YOUR happiness should be his number 1 priority.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Update!!
Came home from work to find the rams were not let out into the field to eat.
So I let them out. Walked into the house to find my stepson laying on couch with 2 beers. ~I think I blacked out after seeing that~.

Needless to say the boy bowed up on me with his chest and flinging his arms and making fists and cussed me out. And told me that he would do what he wants and deal with the sheep and animals when he wants.

If this were my child I would have slapped his face!! 

I kicked him out!!

Then called his father and told him what happened. Then told my husband that I did not want to fight over kids and I would not ask him to choose between us, so I will sign the divorce papers and give him what he wants without any questions.

At first my husband was shocked.....then in a calm voice he told me that will never happen again and the boy can go back to his moms period. 

I thought forsure it was over between us.

He called his son and they talked for hours, and my husband realized that he only wanted to move in to be able to do what he wanted too.

My husband explained things to him that he was no longer visiting and had to respect our home and me.


So now the boy wants to talk to me and apologize. He doesnt want to move out.
Honestly I am too mad to talk to him right now...I believe in giving people 2nd, 3rd and if needed 4th chances. However he tried to intimadate me with his size and fists and getting in my face cussing at me. I need time to think about this, and he wants to talk to me today.

I am exhausted. I just thank my lucky stars that my husband stood up for me. However now the decision falls back on me if he stays or not.

I am open to any guidence on how to deal with this now, thank you all


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

Just wow!
Good for you!
Good for your husband!
The kid overreached. I bet he was real surprised when he realized how badly he had just messed up.
And you can take as long as you like before you talk to him.
And I wouldn't be all that eager to let him back in.
Sure he is immature etc.. but even thinking that threatening violence is an option for anything does not bode well.


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## BarbadosSheep (Jun 27, 2011)

This may be a really good step forward. Hubby backed you up! And the son might really be sincere and wants to change. Maybe. Don't make any decisions now while you are angry. Talk to the boy and hear him out. Tell him he is on probation for 60 days and you will decide then if he can stay or go. And if he screws up at any point during that probation, out he goes. And tell him if he EVER bows up at you again, the police will be called and charges will be filed. Type up a written contract detailing exactly what is expected of him. And make him sign it as a constant reminder of what he has agreed to do. If he fails, send him packing.


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## Immaculate Sublimity (Apr 30, 2003)

this sudden epiphany of light by the boy is called convicts remorse. Its amazing the change that takes place when the rug is pulled out from under him... I'd speak to the boy, but certainly not today. Its not his shot to call when and where this meeting takes place... were it me, I'd probably cooly tell him to pack... let him sweat it a bit - if you know his mother to be a decent and productive parent, send the boy back. if she isnt, then you can reconsider things. if you give in immediately to his 'requests' you simply show him that next time he only has to hold out a little longer. this is your ONE chance to show him you mean what you say and any change of heart is out of the goodness of your heart.


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## AngieM2 (May 10, 2002)

Don't talk until YOU have had time to settle down and cooly think. Let him sweat. And as for threatening you physically - I don't know that I'd ever trust him again - or not for a LONG time.

But, as others have said, don't talk today - give him chores and see how it goes TODAY, this is one day at a time until you've had a chance to calmly think.

good you got your DH's attention.


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## Kazahleenah (Nov 3, 2004)

The problem isn't so much the son.... it's your husband. The day my spouse (if I had one) laughed at me for burning myself while cooking, would be the day he learned how to cook all his own meals. 

I also wouldn't be taking spoiled/lazy step-son out to eat, 4-wheeling etc until he showed me respect. I would go out to eat without him... respect goes both ways, and if you don't respect yourself he never will. Same goes for the husband... you allow him to laugh at you for things that isn't funny, and is potentialy harmfull... well...

I have a feeling that compared to me, you are FAR from a "Farm Nazi". That kid wouldn't so much as SEE food until the morning chores were done... not to mention TV, video games, cell phone, etc.


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

Fowler said:


> My husband told me so.
> 
> I now have a 17 yr stepson that moved into my house 2 months ago.
> 
> ...


.................You don't have a .....Stepson problem , you've a Lazy husband problem ! , fordy:cowboy:


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## Tiempo (May 22, 2008)

All of the above and make it clear that if he *ever* physically threatens you again the police will be on the doorstep.


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## springvalley (Jun 23, 2009)

SFM in KY said:


> Sorry, I don't think you're tough enough.
> 
> No phone. No TV. No A/C? No soft drinks?
> 
> ...


My thoughts for sure. > Marc


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## Guest (Jul 7, 2011)

Kazahleenah said:


> The problem isn't so much the son.... it's your husband. The day my spouse (if I had one) laughed at me for burning myself while cooking, would be the day he learned how to cook all his own meals.
> 
> I also wouldn't be taking spoiled/lazy step-son out to eat, 4-wheeling etc until he showed me respect. I would go out to eat without him... respect goes both ways, and if you don't respect yourself he never will. Same goes for the husband... you allow him to laugh at you for things that isn't funny, and is potentialy harmfull... well...
> 
> I have a feeling that compared to me, you are FAR from a "Farm Nazi". That kid wouldn't so much as SEE food until the morning chores were done... not to mention TV, video games, cell phone, etc.


This ..you bet!


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

We moved to a farm for this very reason. There are things in life that _must be done_, on time, _every_ time, without fail, regardless the environment or your personal travails. A farm teaches you this (or it fails because you refuse to learn).

The Chinese say, "There are two kinds of courage; that of the tiger, and that of the horse". One of the most valuable - and now rare - lessons you can teach a child today is the "courage of the horse". Boring perhaps, but necessary; and fewer and fewer people have the discipline needed.

An object in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted on by a net external force. In this case, the boy sleeps in and does not work (stays not in motion) because he is not acted on by a net external force. You have already noticed that you cannot provide enough external force to move him without setting the relationship between the three of you on edge. The only person who can do this is his father. If he will not, the option you have left is to never count on him.

Please note that you really just don't have the option of trying to motivate him yourself. This may be frustrating to you, but it is a conversation with your husband that is in the past (whether or not you had it already). You may speak with your husband now, and try to change his approach, but it is late in the game.

The problem here is the husband; both as a spouse and a father.. not the 17 year-old. I am not saying that you could not also be part of the issue, but I certainly know - just from these few posts - that your man isn't being a loving spouse (not entirely) and certainly isn't training his son to respect and love women more than himself.

again, as always, my $0.02; and it is worth exactly what you paid for it.

R

P.S. Threat of physical violence? Really!? One more time and he is out or you are; period. The only other option is to explain your ownership of a firearm and your ability to use it effectively.


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## 2doordad (Aug 28, 2010)

I have a 16 year old thet is mine and is the step-son. If he did that he would be pooping toenails and shoe leather for a month-and he knows that. I love him.


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## Kazahleenah (Nov 3, 2004)

2doordad said:


> I have a 16 year old thet is mine and is the step-son. If he did that he would be pooping toenails and shoe leather for a month-and he knows that. I love him.


:rock::thumb:


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## Nomad (Dec 19, 2002)

I am a person who will give someone a second chance, but I'd be leery of his sudden change. He's worried his lifestyle might change right now, but unless someone stays on top of him he will probably slip back. Husband needs to keep a tight rein. Hubby got a wake up call and hopefully has learned something.

Nomad


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## snowshoehair (Jul 3, 2008)

I believe in second chances too, but would think long and very seriously about giving a second chance to someone who displayed a violent side towards me. I don't think I would want to find out just how far they would take it the second time.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

Frankly I would let the boy pick up his things and go back to his moms for a few days. Then you and DH draw up a plan of what is expected of him and sit down with hiom and talk it out. Do not lt him back in make him work to be allowed back in. He needs to prove to you now he is earnest. I bet a few days back at his mom will change his mind. Also ask him what he expects of the 2 of you. Tell him if he acts like an adult he will be treated as one and outline what an adult is! So many kids have no clue that being an adult is taking on responsibilities!

Make up a contract of sorts that will show him what he is expected to do and when. Also ask him what being an adult means to him you might be surprised that he has no idea of what it is to be one. Oh and I would make those 2 men strt coooking - on th enight you eat out or bring home your own food they can learn to eat some nasty food and realize it isnt easy!


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## Treewhisper (Nov 24, 2010)

Dont act now but wait until your anger cools off so you can think straight but dont let you stepson back home so quickly either. You stepson wants to go back to the status quo as quickly as possible and that helps no one except him. Since he's out of the house now you can never let your son or huband go back to the status quo again or with your son's frustration and immaturity it will only be a matter of time before he mouths off or threatens you again.

I would put BOTH your son and husband on probation for two months. Your hubby needs to recognize his behavior is a big part of the problem and he needs to correct his behaviour too and not just your son! This is the time to set down the law with your hubby so you can have that united front so he dosent regress into having a 15 year old mentality when your son is around. Hubby needs to help you out with the chores. Its an equal partnership... thats the vows he took when he married you. If chores dont get done then hubby has to take responsibilty for the chores and discipline for his son not you. This may be the only time you can correct this so early into your marriage. Once habits set in with hubby and son its awefully hard to change behaviour so that years down the road your only options are either accept it and deal with it or leave. 

Having animals in my opinion is much easier and more predictable to deal with than family.


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## Buffy in Dallas (May 10, 2002)

Yea for you!!! :clap:

IF you let them stay, make hubby tell his son what chores to do. I'd also make hubby the new cook. I'd never lift a pan again. :nono:


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

I would make him go back to his moms, now. Only let him live at your house when his dad is home. This young man (boy) is not your problem any longer. He threatened violence in a play to get his way. It is a deal breaker. Maybe in 6 months if you see an improvement he could come to stay without dad. I have 6 step-kids. Now all grown, all but one are a mess. Because my hubby would not parent, he wanted to be the good guy, not the dad. So sad.


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## stamphappy (Jul 29, 2010)

HOTW said:


> 1. let the boy pick up his things and go back to his moms for a few days.
> 2. you and DH draw up a plan of what is expected of him - A LIST OF DAILY, WEEKLY, and MONTHLY CHORES
> 3. Make up a contract of sorts that will show him what he is expected to do and when.
> 4. make those 2 men strt coooking - on the night you eat out or bring home your own food they can learn to eat some nasty food and realize it isnt easy!


I agree with the above. There are 3 of you living in the home therefore the chores can be divided into thirds!!! When DH is gone 2 weeks a month and you are working full time, son gets the majority of the chores. 

Good luck & stay strong in your convictions.


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

pamda said:


> I would make him go back to his moms, now. Only let him live at your house when his dad is home. This young man (boy) is not your problem any longer. He threatened violence in a play to get his way. It is a deal breaker. Maybe in 6 months if you see an improvement he could come to stay without dad. I have 6 step-kids. Now all grown, all but one are a mess. Because my hubby would not parent, he wanted to be the good guy, not the dad. So sad.


Yep.

No one, ever, raises a hand to me and then gets to have life as normal.


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

Jan Doling said:


> I would go on strike....go camping nearby and do animal chores in the early am and pm, then dissapear. They can shop, cook and clean for themselves. Just say you need a vacation from their attitudes.


This is what I would do, but at a nice air conditioned Hotel with pool and room service, this is probably the real reason charge cards were invented. On top of that, I would turn into Helga,the Nazi.


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## mtman (Sep 2, 2004)

what did you do before he got there, go back to doing that then on his 18 bday say good bye


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

Did you explain to him in detail what a terrible death heat causes animals? And that his failure to turn on the fans could very well have caused the animals to die. If he doesn't have a heart about that, then never ever depend on him to care for your animals. 

I always try talking first with teenagers. When that doesn't work, I start taking away privileges. Surprise for them to find out all the privileges they have like food, laundry, TV, phone, etc. Take them away and then require they "earn" them back. 

I agree your dh sounds like a bigger problem. I'm 100% with Otter -- this is my home, my rules, my way or hit the highway.


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## 7thswan (Nov 18, 2008)

Oh my, I didn't read the entire thread before I posted. Don't make the mistake of thinking that Dh has to choose you or his son. Your Husband has to start thinking of Wrong and Right. No matter who comes into your house they have to follow rules, those rules don't change because one is a family member,sick, depressed,on drugs, the Pope, ect.ect. I delt with Guilt issues with my Dh and his DD. Someone(s) told me that my Dh was to always put his DD first over me. I said Really? I should let her pick the color of our carpeting? Duh? I'd cool off(and think) before I said anything to this Kid, anyone that thinks problems can be solved with Violence ,has some serious issues.


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## Oggie (May 29, 2003)

Perhaps you might explain that folks have basically two examples to follow in life.

They can do as dogs and live a life of willing service, marked by loyalty and happy camaraderie; and be warmed by God's love when life on Earth is through.

Or, they can do as cats and live a self-centered and selfish life, seeking short-term pleasure and comfort; and be roasted in Satan's fire when life on Earth is through.

Sizzle.

Sizzle.

Pop!


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

mistletoad said:


> Your husband laughs if you burn yourself? And you think your stepson is the problem?


I for one would lay down the LAW to HUBBY.In our house SPOUSE comes first,period.And when they married THEIR spouse comes first,and has and Im perfectly good with that.

Not that kids shouldnt be loved and cared for,BUT they DONT come FIRST in the household dynamic,the PARENTS do.

You arent being treated as wife by Hubby,or Mother by SS,you are cook and babysitter and bill payer.Insert 'SLAVE' here,or dishrag 'Mommy',UNACCEPTABLE!

IMO Hubby better straighten up and fly right or its out the door....BOTH of em.Lay it on the line,draw that line in the sand.And let HUBBY make that choice,they BOTH need serious reality checks.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Oggie said:


> Perhaps you might explain that folks have basically two examples to follow in life.
> 
> They can do as dogs and live a life of willing service, marked by loyalty and happy camaraderie; and be warmed by God's love when life on Earth is through.
> 
> ...


Thanks for making me laugh Oggie, I needed it.

Thank you everyone....I have a lot to think about, and I have to be careful how I approach this.
Honestly I just want him gone, but my heart tells me to give him another chance for my husband.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

Seriously, he needs anoother chance just not now. In a month or so. He needs to understand that you mean business. Right now he is only sorry cause you caught him. Make him wait at least until dad gets home. He is not your problem.....he is too old for all this. If he was a baby,7 or under yes, then maybe a right away but he is too old for this. And way to old to be acting this way. Cosiquinses (sp).Life is full of them


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## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

i'd say gone until the husband is home for sure.. Bowin up AIN'T acceptable.
Ed


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## LeopardFrog (Jun 3, 2011)

Fowler said:


> My husband told me so.
> 
> I now have a 17 yr stepson that moved into my house 2 months ago.
> 
> ...


I will admit to you that I didn't read anyone else's posts, and I don't mean to be rude, they won't have any effect on what I am about to say.

I have 2 sons, one 16 and one 21. They are both less than stellar in doing what they promise. I believe in punative action to make them aware there are consequences to the actions or lack of actions in life.

When my oldest was 17 his room looked like a garbage dump. You couldn't see the floor for the clothes, books, garbage and half eaten food. I had had enough and gave him 2 days to clean his room. He did nothing. I put a sign on his door giving him until the end of the day to clean his room or the power would be shut off to his room until it was cleaned. Nothing was done. He came home from school the next day and the electricity was shut off. Of course he got ----ed off about my action but he cleaned his room. Any time it got bad I would say do I need to shut off the power? it was amazing how fast the room got cleaned.

This summer he, his wife and step daughter moved in to try and get back on their feet financially. They are living in a seperate building om our property and we had a written contract about rent, other charges, and other expectations while they are here. I let them set the day they wanted to pay the rent and set a $10 a day penalty if they didn't pay on time. Well, the first rent fell due and he only had half the rent, he could pay the rest then I said when? He said in a week. I said add $70 to what you owe me then. A week goes by he pays me some more but not all of it. I say when? He says 2 weeks I say okay add $140 MORE to what you owe me. Of course he was ----ed but guess what? before the day was over I had my rent money.

My advice is to sit down and have a serious heart to heart talk with your husband. Explain to him that allowing his son to skate out of responsibility is doing him no favors. That lack of understanding that life has consequences can cripple him in dealing with everyday life.

Good luck. I fear you will need it.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

Are they his animals? And he's not taking care of them? The solution is simple: sell the animals. Tell them he didn't take care of them and you weren't about to see them neglected, so they're gone. 

If they're not his animals, why is he being made to take care of them? Shouldn't the owner of the animals be responsible for their care?


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## radiofish (Mar 30, 2007)

I have been reading the entire thread for days, before I posted.

This 17 year old moved from his mom's, because he did not want to do any "chores" there, yet he was informed that he had to do them at your home. Yes he enjoyed 4 wheeling and spending time with you before, when it was fun.

Then with his neglecting his assigned and acknowledged "chores" - he could possibly have put animals (your's or the family's) at risk. He shows no remorse, now has/ shows a bad attitude, and even knows he is getting under your skin. Then your husband and the step son laugh at you when you had burned yourself, while cooking food for the household? Would they have laughed, if you would had cut yourself instead?

Now recently you have come home to an underage 17 year old that is drinking beer (alcohol), gets all pumped up in a threatening manner towards you when confronted over not taking care of livestock, and you want him out of your space. Of course he is now all remorseful and is willing to have an immediate attitude adjustment, so he can continue to stay at your home. I don't think so, the change would last a week or two and then the abusive ways will return with a vengeance!

Send him back to his biological mom, and get yourself a handful of paperwork from the local Military Recruiters to have on hand for when he gets close to being 18 years old. Let him come to visit when his father is there, so that the two of them can spend time with each other. But you don't need to be abused to make it easy living for the step-son to have the life of luxury and his not doing any chores in any household.

Heck if what you have been doing makes you a 'Farm Nazi', can I come live there? I do my chores, and then some! (Just Kidding) 

But should you feel up to giving him 1 more chance, you are a better person that I would be under those circumstances. Then if he blows it (I give him a 25% odds) send that boy off to Marine Corps Boot Camp as soon as he turns 18 years old. Afterwards, he would happily be willing to let out the animals, turn on fans, cook for the household, or even jump up and do things before even being asked! My parents were amazed at the 180 degrees attitude adjustment that I had, when I can home on leave/ vacation over the years.


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## LeopardFrog (Jun 3, 2011)

willow_girl said:


> Are they his animals? And he's not taking care of them? The solution is simple: sell the animals. Tell them he didn't take care of them and you weren't about to see them neglected, so they're gone.
> 
> If they're not his animals, why is he being made to take care of them? Shouldn't the owner of the animals be responsible for their care?


Um, it's called being a family and sharing the load. Dad and step Mom work. He is home all day doing nothing. 

Frankly, he would lose tv, internet, gaming and whatever because being there for the summer doesn't make his dad's house a resort where he doesn't have to do anything. Teenagers need to understand the world, including their parents, don't owe them a thing if they don't contribute.


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## Vickie44 (Jul 27, 2010)

He is just a kid who needs your guidance as he hasnt gotten it from Mom and Dad. He is working you in the selfish way teens do 'cause that is all he knows . Go back to being his friend and keep your high expectations. Tell him what you expect and why and what the repercussions will be. Be nice to him and expect him to be nice to you , sort of start over again offering a clean slate for both of you. Do chores together and talk about things that were brought up here so he understands you are looking for a contributing member of the household , not just someone to weld power over
Speak to your husband and demand respect and a united way of dealing with the child

Sitting in the kitchen with you should/ could be nice , try to get that back.


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## LeopardFrog (Jun 3, 2011)

Okay, I read the entire thread now and the threat of violence and the underage drinking change EVERYTHING.

1) You need time to decompress. 
2) The divorce threat woke your husband up, but don't believe it will keep him awake. You need to let him know that you are dead dog serious and IF you decide to let the son come back any further threats or bad behavior is the end. DO NOT BACK DOWN.
3) IF my sons ever threatened my wife, their stepmom, the consequences would be swift and they would be gone from my home.
4) Make the decision that YOU can live with. Realize that while he may behve better he may behave WORSE and actually hurt you at some point. Only you know the answer to that.

Good luck.


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## Mid Tn Mama (May 11, 2002)

Wow. Someone needs an attitude adjustment. Talking about the "boy" here.

Some questions: 

Does this boy get an allowance?

Who pays for this boy's cell phone, car, gas, etc?

--------------
#1: Dad needs to discipline, You will get nowhere and mom probably will work against you.

#2: No more giving any money for ANYTHING until there are changes in attitude, etc..

#3: if you cannot trust him not to get into the liquor while you are gone. Lock it up and let him know that that will be the way it is because he has proven he cannot be trusted.

#4: Add a chore for every one that isn't done properly, on time, at all.

#5: Calmly and like a broken record tell him that good families work together for the common good. Even if he doesn't get this for years, you can be the only person who teaches it to them. 

#6 Pray. If you are a believer, you need to have a little time with the book as a family looking at very good advice as to how families SHOULD behave and the blessings that flow from that.

#7: Continue doing the fun family things. If all he hears is negative, he will dig in his heels more. If he feels he has been written off as "bad" he will act accordingly.

8: If he has not shown he can be trusted to do these chores while you are gone, then you must go into preschool mode, wake him up at five and go out there with him (actually, I meant husband). If you (meaning boy) cannot act responsibly, then you have no choice but to lend a hand as if to a preschooler.

9: he didn't get this way overnight. You will have to take the long view of this and work carefully and consistently.

The bible says "Raise up your children in the way they should go." Good for you. God bless you.


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## Lizza (Nov 30, 2005)

willow_girl said:


> Are they his animals? And he's not taking care of them? The solution is simple: sell the animals. Tell them he didn't take care of them and you weren't about to see them neglected, so they're gone.
> 
> If they're not his animals, why is he being made to take care of them? Shouldn't the owner of the animals be responsible for their care?


I know what you are saying but this is hardly asking him to milk twice a day, this is just basic care, letting them out, turning on some fans for hot animals, since _he is the one home_ and he is a young man that is living with his father and step mom, asking them to support him, he can put something back in the family too, he could get a job and find his own place if the only thing he wants to do is watch tv and play video games. How is it any different then telling him he needed to clean the house, do the dishes, and have dinner ready when they get home? I can't believe you really mean that they should expect zip out of this young man? It's not like she is coming home to a four course meal home prepared, she is coming home to what should be a very capable young person sitting on the couch. 

Leaving animals to suffer is cruel, I don't care whose animals they are. If my neighbor came over today and asked my daughters to turn on fans or let the horses out because they are at work all day and need the help, _my daughters would do it_ and not ask anything else in return. 

This isn't about the animals anyways, this is about respect, and family dynamics.


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## TxHorseMom (Feb 21, 2011)

Here is my suggestion. Let me preface this by saying I don't have any step children, but my youngest is 17 so I do have exp with teenagers. First of all you MUST get hubby on board. First, have a private talk with hubby. Talk, not accuse or get angry, just talk calmly. Decide _*together*_ what is appropriate for his son to do, and what the alloted time is. Also, what are the consequences are, if not done, or on time. Not punishment, but consequences. Explain to hubby, that son will be out in the "real world" VERY soon, and he needs to learn how it works. If he has a job and he doesn't do what he is supposed to, there will be consequences, such as being fired. Then type up an agreement between the three of you. Sit down with son, explain to him what you are doing and why. Let him give some input. What does he think are fair chores? Are there some that he would rather do than others? ie I HATE to do the dishes, hubby doesn't mind, so he does them. He HATES to do laundry, so I do that. What does son think would be fair consequences for a job not done, or not done on time? (such as feeding or letting out animals) Once he gives his imput, and all is in agreement, (you may have to re-print up a new agreement) then ALL of you sign it. ALL of you have a copy (so one doesn't get "lost") and abide by that agreement. That way, if something isn't done, you go by the contract, and no one is the bad guy.

As for the staying in the kitchen thing, I agree with the poster who says to give son a knife and have him chop vegetables if he wants to stay in the kitchen. Talk with him, get to know him. As a step mother of a teenager, you will never be able to say "Because I said so" because hubby doesn't back you up and, you didn't help raise him, so the "rules" are a little different. You are going to have to be smarter than the both of them. Good luck.


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## 65284 (Sep 17, 2003)

Willow Girl,

He's not Fowlers child, so by your reasoning, why should she be responsible for his care? She works outside of the home to help provide him with food, shelter and other needs, and she apparently also does most of the cooking. 

All the while he sits on his butt all day, drinks beer, and mouths at her. And you think he shouldn't have to pitch in a little by helping with some chores??


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

> Willow Girl,
> 
> He's not Fowlers child, so by your reasoning, why should she be responsible for his care?


I don't think she should be. I have been in 3 marriages that involved stepchildren, and I made it my policy to leave the rule-making and disciplining up to their biological parents. I wasn't always happy with the decisions made or the way the kids turned out, but it never caused problems in my marriages, either.



> She works outside of the home to help provide him with food, shelter and other needs, and she apparently also does most of the cooking.


What, she didn't know there was a kid involved when she married her husband? Sounds to me like she signed up for this plan. :shrug:



> All the while he sits on his butt all day, drinks beer, and mouths at her. And you think he shouldn't have to pitch in a little by helping with some chores??


I think he should do chores ... like do his own laundry, clean his room, fix his own meals. Take a turn cleaning shared areas of the house, sure. But the critter thing is a pet peeve of mine. I have seen too many folks (mostly women) make slaves of their kids where critters are concerned. I've even heard some women on this forum advise other women who were debating the merits of getting an(other) animal to "just do it -- after all, you can always make the kids take care of it!" Bad idea, IMO.

I think if you acquire an animal, you should set a good example for your kid(s) by taking care of it. I don't think it's teaching a kid responsibility to palm off the care of your animal on him/her. It's not fair to the animal OR the child. It breeds resentment and can lead to neglect or even abuse of the animal. (Saw this happen with my grown stepdaughter and her son, who got fed up taking care of mom's ever-expanding menagerie.)


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## LearningLife (Aug 11, 2010)

willow_girl said:


> I think he should do chores ... like do his own laundry, clean his room, fix his own meals. Take a turn cleaning shared areas of the house, sure. But the critter thing is a pet peeve of mine. I have seen too many folks (mostly women) make slaves of their kids where critters are concerned. I've even heard some women on this forum advise other women who were debating the merits of getting an(other) animal to "just do it -- after all, you can always make the kids take care of it!" Bad idea, IMO.
> 
> I think if you acquire an animal, you should set a good example for your kid(s) by taking care of it. I don't think it's teaching a kid responsibility to palm off the care of your animal on him/her. It's not fair to the animal OR the child. It breeds resentment and can lead to neglect or even abuse of the animal. (Saw this happen with my grown stepdaughter and her son, who got fed up taking care of mom's ever-expanding menagerie.)


Our children, both boys, were in their teens before my husband and I started adding animals to our lives. We were not in a position to do it any time earlier. Our younger son was 14 when we got our chickens. Our older one was 17. They were not raised with farm animals, and our older son had no interest in raising the chickens or the dairy goats we added last year. Our younger son has graciously, if not enthusiastically, been more positive about having the animals here. Neither of them asked for chickens or goats, but they seem to have no problem enjoying the eggs and milk we get from them. My point is that, if the animals contribute in some way to their well-being and comfort, we feel it is fair and reasonable that they share in the responsibilities of caring for them. If we raised the animals for monetary profit, they would also be expected to help with their care, as the boys benefit from our financial gain. If raising the animals were simply my hobby or my husband's, we would not expect them to help as much with their daily care. But the animals provide for all members of our family, and in turn, we ALL provide the best care we can for them. 

If the OP's stepson benefits in any way from the animals, he has a shared responsibility for their care. This is not a child, this is a young man. He may not have chosen to have the animals, but he chose to live in a home where animals and animal husbandry are part of daily life.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

I have never had step children, I do have 4 kids and 12 grand kids. I think you do have a problem with your husband. He has not been parenting his son, his job is not to be his son's friend as others have said, he is a parent. He is also your husband and he seems to have problems with that as well.

I would not have a 17 year old boy who does not respect me living in my home while his father is out of town. Drinking in my home or threatening me would be the end of him in my home. He did both. How are you going to have any peace of mind living alone with a kid that thinks he can treat you like that? It seems to me that the situation will only get worse without real intervention.

I would talk to my husband about what you are willing to do, what is safe for you,what is fair to the boy, and what kind of input he is willing to have. If possible, I would include the mother in any plans--she may have been having the same problems you are. If you can work together it may be possible to change his attitude, but it IMO is not your job or place to have the major responsibility for this young man. If your DH has to travel, I would not even consider his son living there. If he can act like a member of the family, let him come visit when his Dad is there. If his behavior is the same at his Mom's as it has been at your house he probably should have outside help.


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## Common Tator (Feb 19, 2008)

kirkmcquest said:


> Its has to come from the father, step-family relationships are VERY fragile and complicated. There is always ( ALWAYS ) a bit of resentment and nothing will make it worse than one trying to impose him/her-self on the other.
> 
> I lived with this as a child, my father married a very demanding woman who thought she was 'in charge' of me when I went over to visit him. At 16 I had already been the man of my house for four years. I did all the things that other kid's fathers did ( take out the garbage, mow, weed, fix things, take care of the dog, etc ) at home. As far as I was concerned she was nothing to me but the woman my father married who lived in his house. I went there to visit my father, period. I'm sure to some I might have seemed like a 'snot nose' kid but I saw it very differently.
> 
> ...


So you marched into this woman's home and expected to be treated like a king? No wonder you never got along with her.


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## Txrider (Jun 25, 2010)

Fowler said:


> Thanks for making me laugh Oggie, I needed it.
> 
> Thank you everyone....I have a lot to think about, and I have to be careful how I approach this.
> Honestly I just want him gone, but my heart tells me to give him another chance for my husband.


The kid is at a point where he is learning how to be an adult. He is learning it from you, his dad and his mom.

Learning come from consequences from one's actions and choices, both positive consequences and negative ones.

He has learned hopefully that bowing up and threatening has consequences, just as he should be learning that doing or not doing chores and helping out around the house he lives in should have consequences.

You maybe should read a book called "Don't shoot the dog" by Karen Pryor.. It might help you sort out how to respond to both the kid and your DH.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Update!!!
Husband and I had a long talk.
He left it up to me to decide if the boy gets another chance. Now granted what hubby did was throw the ball in my court, I am not stupid.

I told my husband that I did not trust his son in our house or with the animals.
And my husband is gone 2-3 weeks a month, so what would be the purpose of him living here and me dealing with his son?

His answer was. You are the best thing for him. You are strict and hold people to their word, and you teach people to be responsible for their own actions as you have taught me. The boy has told me that he has never been held accountable for his actions and you enforced accountability which shocked him. He did think he was going to get by with more by moving into our home. Husband said he too was to blame by not being a father but being more of a buddy. Husband then said, I know you have raised your children. And was not expecting to inherit another womans child, but the boy needs us.


To Willow,
My children have always lived on a farm. This is the smallest farm I have ever lived on.
My son and daughter baled hay, chopped wood, fed sheep, cattle chickens rabbits..etc
Slaughtered and castrated pigs, sheep, etc...

They were both in 4H, son won state champion for grand champion showing his sheep.
Son played Football and Baseball and was always on the honor roll and got many offers to play football from OU, NT and Austin
Daughter played Volleyball, basketball, softball, and sang in the choir AND played flute in band, she won 3 state championships in Vollyball, and won 2 state competetions in solo singing.

I went to every game and supported everything they wanted to do.
My children are now highly successful and are grateful for how they were raised.

I now have 2 grandsons, and all they want to do is come to Nana's house to feed the sheep and mow with the tractor. My children seem to feel it was the best life for them and want their children to experience what they had as a child.

As far as taking care of animals? All that is excepted of my stepson is to let them out of their stalls in the morning. It takes ten minutes.

I will not have a lazy person in my home period. If you see the dogs need watering, why would you not give them water?...it's 105 degrees!! why would you allow an animal to suffer because you want to sleep in?...or sit your butt on the couch and not check on anything. Yes these are my and his fathers animals, but this is also my house, my rules, period. And no one lives under my roof for free.


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## Judy in IN (Nov 28, 2003)

A child's personality is pretty much set by the age of 8. This one is 17, and already moved from one home just so he wouldn't have to do anything. Plus, he's threatened you with violence. Yeah, Daddy stroked you by telling you you were a better person, and then wants you to sign on to fix this problem that he and the ex created. Hmmm. 

Why wait until the boy reaches 18? I would have the recruiter in to talk to him NOW, and explain that he will not have a home with you after HS. I would only have him there when his father is home to parent him. Let Hubby do his job as a father, instead of trying to palm it off on you. 

The marines (or army, navy, etc) could do wonders with this boy. Encourage him to enlist now, while he is in hot water and compliant. It's called deferred enlistment. 

Best of luck to YOU. Hubby needs to man up. 

If he does deferred enlistment, you will have a date when this problem will turn around. The SS will be able to negotiate for a good field of his interest. The Marines (or other branch) will test him to determine his aptitudes. This is probably the best thing that you can do FOR this boy. You work all day, and are not physically able to make him mind. The service will teach him a skill or skills. I would love to be a fly on the wall if he bowed up in boot camp. 

Both my son & daughter went into the service. The service has the effect of removing the fluff and strengthening the core of the individual. This boy has reached the stage where he needs tough love soon, or he may never realize his potential.


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## WindowOrMirror (Jan 10, 2005)

LeopardFrog said:


> ...
> 3) IF my sons ever threatened my wife, their stepmom, the consequences would be swift and they would be gone from my home.



On that note, I sat my son down at age 13 and discussed what his transition into manhood meant. One of those things was that I would now look at his interactions with his mother as a man interacting with my wife, not a boy with his mother. One of the implications there is that if a man threatens my wife, I will act toward him in a way that will discourage (or completely prevent) his ever doing that again. If a man disrespects my wife, I may treat him very differently than a boy disrespecting his mother.

This young man needs to know his standing, what's expected in terms of behavior, and Dad needs to be a primary factor there.


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## Lizza (Nov 30, 2005)

Fowler said:


> I will not have a lazy person in my home period. If you see the dogs need watering, why would you not give them water?...it's 105 degrees!! why would you allow an animal to suffer because you want to sleep in?...or sit your butt on the couch and not check on anything. Yes these are my and his fathers animals, but this is also my house, my rules, period. And no one lives under my roof for free.


Exactly!!!!!


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Fowler said:


> Update!!!
> Husband and I had a long talk.
> He left it up to me to decide if the boy gets another chance. Now granted what hubby did was throw the ball in my court, I am not stupid.
> 
> ...


IMO, your DH is buttering you up! Telling you nice things about yourself so you'll take responsibility for keeping the kid.

Send him home to his mother and he can visit when Dad's home. 

BTW, the day my DH would laugh when I burned myself in the kitchen would be the day he would be told off. Where is the respect??


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## Otter (Jan 15, 2008)

Honestly, I would pull the I'm not your mother card
(Chill out people, he is 17, not 7, drinking in her house and behaving violently- totally different circumstances)
I'd also pull it on your DH. Agree with him that yes, you did raise your children and raise them well, now HE should use your shining example to raise his.

Talk to this young man and tell him, you are _not_ his mother, therefore you are under *no* obligation to love him, take care of him or put up with his nonsense. Flat out say that there are only 2 people on earth who have any legal or moral obligation to deal with him, you are neither of them and soon, very soon, even they will be off the hook.

Explain to him clearly (coldly even) that once he is an adult no one HAS to deal with him, they can choose to, or choose not to. And if he's going to act however he wants, why would anyone choose to put up with that??

Tell him that yes, there are consequences for his actions, and the consequences for violence and illegal activity are that he's not welcome there if his Dad isn't there - and here is where you can put an unless if you feel like it.
For me the unless would be him joining some kind of military prep or apprenticeship program that has him 8 hours a day.
Sounds like he can use some strong male guidance from an un-related guy.


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

I should read all the replies. Really I should, but I can't hold it in any longer. You have a mess to live with. You have it because you're allowing it to continue. Make your mind up because those 2 guys aren't changing and won't change their behaviors for you. It's this macho play off thing they're doing and they think it's funny. At your expense. 

nah, nah, nah, not on my dime or my time would those two enjoy anything else in my house. They'd leave or I would and there wouldn't be a lot of talking or explanation on my part. All of it is way more than anything I'd ever put up with. They'd know to respect me or don't waste my time.

But you do what you want. I would personally be aware of how that stepmother/son relationship would look if he suddenly decided it could be more, or worse, he decided to press charges of child abuse against you. He wouldn't need any proof to completely wreck your life for you. You need to look out for number one here, and that's you.


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## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

Quote "His answer was. You are the best thing for him. You are strict and hold people to their word"

I've read this thread but haven't commented, but would like to here. 

IMO, your husband wants YOU to hold his son accountable and enforce discipline because he doesn't know how and quite frankly doesn't sound like he even wants to bother trying. In other words, he's putting all the responsibility for his son's behavior off on YOU. Telling you the young man "needs" you is your husband's way of evading his responsibility as the young man's FATHER. I don't mean to sound harsh or cruel, but your husband is remiss in his duty toward his wife (you) and his son (his child). 

If I were in your situation, with apparently little if any support and help from your husband, I would send the young man back to his mother and only allow him to visit when your husband is home. Explain to BOTH your husband and the young man WHY, and then send the young man home. 

But that's just what I would do. I hope this young man doesn't end up destroying your marriage.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

I would give him a chance.17 is a very difficult time in life and I agree,he DOES need you.You may just wind up being the most influential person he will have at this point,and for the good for sure.I try very hard to not hold grudges and to move forward if possible,sometimes it isnt though and thats that.

And remember,kids are stupid and do stupid things,doesnt mean they cant learn and grow.

Just so long as its perfectly clear we ALL contribute to this household and your roof your rules.

Hopefully he can grow a little,if he cant its back to Mommy,end of story.

Give him a chance now that ground rules have been set and hubby must back you 100%,seems hubby is willing.

Good luck to you.And him,you both need it.


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## snoozy (May 10, 2002)

"17 is a difficult time in life" _for the parents_! Sounds like to me he needs to leave home. Mom's and Dad's. And under NO circumstances does she have to put up with being threatened by anyone, alcohol or no. And I agree with many posters here that the husband is no better than the son.


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

Thank God I have the world's besgt step daughters...of course, I never had to live with them and they reside in Canada...see what I mean about them being the best?!!!


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

JuliaAnn said:


> Quote "His answer was. You are the best thing for him. You are strict and hold people to their word"
> 
> I've read this thread but haven't commented, but would like to here.
> 
> ...


Yep.

Hey dad! He's YOUR kid. Your wife may love/be civil to him, but he is ultimately your responsibility. 

Grr. Oh, he thinks he's so slick, doesn't he? "Oh honey, you did such a good job with yours..." Yeah. Well. Vested interest, pal. He wants to be friend who hangs out one week a month while you, stepmom, have the lovely task or turning a child allowed to do whatever he pleased into a functioning young man. Nooooo.


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## farmergirl (Aug 2, 2005)

Fowler said:


> His dad is trying to be his buddy and they both sit at the kitchen island and make fun of everything I do. Even if I drop a fork. (It gets old quick) even if I burn myself.
> -----
> I am not butting heads with him, he is showing off in front of his dad, because he knows dad thinks it's funny.


Hold up right there :grumble: Your DH thinks it's funny to sit and watch you work, then laugh at any mistakes you make???
That would happen ONCE in my house. 
Why do you allow your DH to laugh at your inconvenience and pain?

Your problem stems from the way your DH interacts with you and the way he raised his son. Get to the root of the issue. It's not the 17 year old's fault that your DH won't parent him. He is learning from his father to disregard what you insist upon. 

I just can't believe the audacity of a man who would LAUGH at his wife burning herself making HIS dinner.

GRRRRR.


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## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

Quote "Your problem stems from the way your DH interacts with you and the way he raised his son. Get to the root of the issue. It's not the 17 year old's fault that your DH won't parent him. He is learning from his father to disregard what you insist upon.""

Yep, and no amount of discipline from YOU is going to correct this. If the son sees his dad getting away with it, he sure as heck wants to get away with it too.


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

Fowler said:


> Update!!!
> Husband and I had a long talk.
> He left it up to me to decide if the boy gets another chance. Now granted what hubby did was throw the ball in my court, I am not stupid.
> 
> ...


...................This trash Talking Son is nothing but a Mirror image of his father , and I'll bet he(father) displayed the same level of Disrespect for his EX wife ! Maybe you should just call her up and have a girl to girl visit about what kind of Louse you're currently married TOO ! 
....................If , I was in your shoes , I'd kick......BOTH of them out because they deserve each other ! You've been presented a very accurate picture of how this Disrespectful person is going too treat you , in the future so call your attorney and get the paperwork ready for him too sign . I have too say , If I was your grown son and I , found out what had transpired between you , the father and then the son , I'd physically REmove this person from your household with very explicit instructions that he was too Never return UNless he wanted his Butt kicked . I wouldn't allow anyone too treat my mother in such a Disrespectful fashion , married or NOT ! He ain't worth your time mam , sorry but he needs too go ! , fordy


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## Dorothea (May 10, 2004)

sorry to say but your husband is making you the bad guy,,,sorry son i wanted you to stay but she made you leave...


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## furholler (Feb 1, 2005)

SFM in KY said:


> Sorry, I don't think you're tough enough.
> 
> No phone. No TV. No A/C? No soft drinks?
> 
> ...


Ditto.


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## Queen Bee (Apr 7, 2004)

I can say that dh's nephew (that I mentioned above) has begged/apologized/talked his way back into every one's lives more than once---He was good for a little while, until he thought everything was ok....JUST to do the same things over and over again... It was a vicious cycle..

I hope you can get things settled...


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## PurpleMartineer (Apr 12, 2008)

I wouldn't have a potentially violent, lazy, manipulative man-boy in my house. If he'd have just yelled, maybe I would allow a second chance. But the fists waving and the intimidation attempts and show of physical "power"?? Uh, no way. I'd be looking at him with nervous suspicion from then on. If he can go to his mom's--send his ass back. You don't need this crap. Tell your husband you feel unsafe after the way the kid came at you. No one can argue with that.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I would give him a second chance with two conditions, both which I read here in this thread and I thought were good.

1. If you ever blow up at me again, I will phone the cops and you will be sent home immediately.

2. The next 60 days will be a probationary period, at the end which I will decide then whether you will be allowed to remain here or be sent home.

Also, I agree that along with house chores, he should do animal chores. All the chores should be grouped together and shared by all who live there.


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## Sanza (Sep 8, 2008)

PurpleMartineer said:


> I wouldn't have a potentially violent, lazy, manipulative man-boy in my house. If he'd have just yelled, maybe I would allow a second chance. But the fists waving and the intimidation attempts and show of physical "power"?? Uh, no way. I'd be looking at him with nervous suspicion from then on. If he can go to his mom's--send his ass back. You don't need this crap. Tell your husband you feel unsafe after the way the kid came at you. No one can argue with that.


This post summed it up pretty good! I hope he is gone from your house! NO probation and NO second chances!
Why on earth would you want to set yourself up for physical abuse from this boy? Or why would you put yourself in the position of him calling you an abuser?
You don't need to take on the responsibility of trying to change this boy - he has 2 parents so let them finish raising him themselves, otherwise they might blame you for any future problems.
Good luck! Stick to your guns!


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## Nicole Irene (Jun 12, 2011)

chickenista said:


> Oh..oh dearie, dearie me.
> (though in that particular circumstance I may have offered to teach the boy to cook.. 'here..chop this") He might end up being the family cook, who knows. That would be something. He was in the room with you..at least.
> 
> There are two ways, maybe 3, that you can go about dealing with this.
> ...


I totally agree. Divorce is hard on kids, especially teenagers. He is a stranger in his own father's house. I think you guys will need to work together with input from the kid. He is probably hurting right now, but won't let it show.


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## countrysunshine (Jul 3, 2008)

This thread has been very interesting to read. I am glad to hear your husband is on board now. You do know the son is testing you to see if you will stand firm and to see if you will still love him if he is a jerk?

I just thought I would throw these things out there from personal experience.

1. First and foremost, my kids always come first above and before anything and anyone.

2. I raised three sons who were all bigger than me before they were 12 years old. I don't need a man to threaten them to make them behave. If I thought their father had I would reconsider this 30 year marriage.

3. I agree animals are the responsibility of the owner of said animal. That is why my husband now feeds the dogs - his hunting dog is a pain to deal with. That being said making sure animals have water is not a chore, it is being a good person.

4. My mother was married to my step-father when I was 11 and he died 26 years later. He was just the man she married. What respect I gave him was so that I didn't disappoint her. If he told me I could do something I always checked with her first. He was not my parent in any way in my eyes. Never shed a tear when he died and I don't miss him or his four kids.

You might try some negotiating about chores. Yesterday my husband mentioned to our college age son that was home if he was bored he could help weed the garden. Son said he would never be that bored. When hubby got back from garden found son had been splitting wood the entire time hubby weeded. Find out if there are chores he prefers to do and maybe you can achieve some balance.

Good luck


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

countrysunshine said:


> This thread has been very interesting to read. I am glad to hear your husband is on board now. You do know the son is testing you to see if you will stand firm and to see if you will still love him if he is a jerk?
> 
> I just thought I would throw these things out there from personal experience.
> 
> ...


 Sorry, have to disagree. And unless your step-father was an awful person, I truely feel sorry for him. Shame on anyone who feels thier step was JUSt the person mom or dad married, nothing more. Unless you were abused by that person, you need to be just a respectful and decent as anyone else. 
I think you are still being that child who was hurt when the parnts divorced instead of looking at the whys. Time to grow up before dishing out advive in a case like this.
ANd, to the op. This is what not to do. DO NOT nogotiate with this young man. He has already told you and his dad why he wants to live with you, so he doesn't have to do anything. That's why he wants to not live with his mom. He is looking for a free ride and not a home. You won't find him cutting wood while dad (who isn't there anyway) weeds. His dad is not home, so he does not need to be there. Simple cut and dried. Seems a lot of folks missed that part of the problem.


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## countrysunshine (Jul 3, 2008)

I was respectful but it was because of my mom and not him. I couldn't stand him but no one around us knew that. As long as he was what my mom wanted I treated her choice with respect but he was not my parent.

My parents' divorce never hurt me at all. I was glad to see it happen. My dad was a mean drunk and things were better when he wasn't around.

I am not saying negotiate no chores. I am saying lay down the law that x,y and z have to get done. How can WE as a household get it done?

BTW, I also disagree that he should be treated as a guest. Even on weekend visits he is not a guest. I really am not "on the kid's side". I was just offering up some other views.

I am very grown up and since I did not have an obviously acrimonious relationship with my mother's husband I thought it relevent to say I didn't view him as a parent and had very little affection for him. People can be that way. Just because someone else in your life really loves someone doesn't mean you truly have a relationship with them even if you are nice to them.


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## beccachow (Nov 8, 2008)

Am I the only one that would NOT trust this boy around my animals? the only thing worse than NOT doing something is doing it out of resentment...and this boy has shown he is capable of rage, who's to say he wouldn't kick or hurt the animals out of resentment for being told to take care of them? I wouldn't let him NEAR my animals with a 10 foot pole.

I would find other chores for him to do. The animals obviously aren't his thing.

I don't forsee a happy ending to this. Going off on you, threatening you with his motions, THAT is the final straw. I wondr about your DH that he doesn't also see that as the final straw.

I had the exact same thing going on back here with a neighbor and HER stepson...wouldn't even put clean sheets on his bed, would just lay on the mattress, junk food and video games all day. Finally, they both banded together and kicked him back to his home town, where I believe the mother got him an apartment and two months rent, told him gt a job or you will be homeless. This boy didn't "decide" to come to you, this boy's mother agreed, so she is having the same problems with him, I guarantee.


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

beccachow said:


> Am I the only one that would NOT trust this boy around my animals? the only thing worse than NOT doing something is doing it out of resentment...and this boy has shown he is capable of rage, who's to say he wouldn't kick or hurt the animals out of resentment for being told to take care of them? I wouldn't let him NEAR my animals with a 10 foot pole.
> 
> I would find other chores for him to do. The animals obviously aren't his thing.
> 
> ...


...................Probably the Same Problems she had , with the father , so she divoraced him , now , she's trying too divorace the son ! , fordy:smack


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

beccachow said:


> Am I the only one that would NOT trust this boy around my animals? the only thing worse than NOT doing something is doing it out of resentment...and this boy has shown he is capable of rage, who's to say he wouldn't kick or hurt the animals out of resentment for being told to take care of them? I wouldn't let him NEAR my animals with a 10 foot pole.
> 
> I would find other chores for him to do. The animals obviously aren't his thing.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't trust him with the animals either. If he would threaten the OP, what could he do to them?!


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

But kids do stupid things.

I sure did. If I was held to every stupid thing I did as a kid I would have nothing.

Sometimes you do have to offer up an olive branch and give another chance.Or you can be a hardnosed never forgive anyone for everything and its going to be a lonely life.

Give a CHANCE,now that FAMILY ground rules have been set,which WERENT set before,he has something to meet,he didnt even have that before.It wasnt entirely his failure at all,it was a family failure.

Now if he cant meet those rules,its out the door.

He acted like a jerk,knows NOW it wont be accepted,why shouldnt he get a chance? I dont believe he is a physical threat,just a stupid kid hyped up on hormones and confused on what his position is in this dynamic.

I dont believe on giving up on troubled youth,they can and do become fine adults after they grow adult brains.


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## Judy in IN (Nov 28, 2003)

I agree in part, booboo. I agree that this kid can be salvaged, but he will need constant, and I mean _constant_ supervision at this point to come around. The op works all day, and the father (another kettle of fish) is gone 3weeks out of 4? 

Put him in the military, where they can turn him into a MAN, and a credit to society. Otherwise, his butt is going to grow to the couch cushions.


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## Pouncer (Oct 28, 2006)

The military does not make a man, sorry. They are told what, where, when and how to do everything-pretty much a parent role. Just an observation of my own. Military service does not make all boys into men. It makes many of them into much dangerous members of our society-with a thin veneer of doing what it takes to get along. jmo.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

I used to be a strong proponent of put em in military,nowadays not so sure thats a good idea,just my politics.


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## TheMartianChick (May 26, 2009)

I became a step parent at the age of 18 when my husband and I married after only knowing eachother for 7 months. My stepchildren were 8 and 9 at the time. I had never been the type of kid to babysit, so I really had no experience with kids of their age. They lived with their mom. I was able to have that "friend" relationship with them, but I still remembered what it was like to be their ages and was able to see through some of their games.

When my stepson turned 13, he came to live with us. Our two girls were very small and we were committed to providing a lifestyle that was very different from that of the step children. What helped us was to have some structure to our daily schedule. There were chores, expectations and responsibilities. Hubby was working evenings at that time, so I was alone with him during the evenings.

There were some awkward moments and times when stepson tried to assert his dominance. There were repercussions every time, but the relationship wasn't particularly tumultuous. When he turned 17, he decided to move back with his mom. His sister decided to move in instead. I am still quite close with both of my stepchildren. Anytime you read something that I've posted about our grandchildren, I am referring to their children. They turned into respectful, hardworking individuals of virtue.

In the OP's case, I'd give the stepson a 2nd chance.While it is important to hold him accountable for his actions, he also has to know that there is forgiveness for his bad behavior. He is a 17 year old kid... They aren't known for being particularly smart at that age... The just think that they know it all!


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

I have been away for a few days. I read the beginning of this thread before and my first thought was that Fowler was in danger. This 17-year-old boy is the physical equivalent of a grown man. He is potentially dangerous.

Having read the "rest of the story," I think Fowler is a smart cookie.

That said, I would not let the parents of this child off the hook. Fowler's DH - the father! - must change his lifestyle in order to be there for his son. This boy needs his Dad. Period. There is a limited amount of time left for this father to parent this son before the son becomes entrenched in bad and worsening behavior. It isn't the only possible outcome, but it is the most likely. Dad needs to step up and be home every night and actually parent his boy so the boy can grow into manhood.

IMO Fowler should not agree to take on the father's responsibility. IMO she should not be alone with this boy again. He has threatened her. The DH's track record is really bad and he's gone for weeks at a time. Until and unless the DH was actually AT home whenever the boy was there I would not allow him to be in my home.

The boy needs his Dad.


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## fantasymaker (Aug 28, 2005)

Sorry but ONLY the dad can raise the kid. Untill the DAD gets behind you with the proper respect and support the Dad isnt rasied yet...let alone the kid.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Husband has not been home in 2 months, and does not look like he will be home for another month. But he did come home on a Friday 2 days after the incident. The boy came to the farm and they both put me on the spot. I felt cornered. So I agreed to allow him to stay, on the condition that if this ever happened again I would call the police and he would never ever be welcomed here again. He made promises to do his chores. And I told him directly that he is too stay away from my animals that I did not trust their care in his hands...he begged and pleated that he would never hurt them. So I decided a smaller chore list..Just clean the 2 water tanks once aweek. He cleaned them the next day and has not lifted a finger since July 9th. He lays on my couch all day and watches TV and goes to his dishwasher job @ 4:00. Thank you baby Jesus I dont have to see him when I get home. However today I guess he remembered that I said I would buy him school clothes back in June if he did his chores. He has just returned yesterday from a week vacation with his mother. Needless to say, I have not seen him but he decided to do 2 months ago chores "which we all know change" I decided in the beginning of July I was not letting the rams out of the paddock, due to the only thing growing in the field is stickers which I just spent the last 2 weeks picking them out of their wool.
Well he let them out. And they are now full of stickers again.
The bottom line is, I'm not happy with him being there without my husband there.
I went to the doctor and he gave me some get over it medicine. However it makes me sleepy at work. Sooooo, I have this 17 yr old in my home all day while I am at work and he is doing GOD knows what, when he wants. I must confess, I dont like him there. And I feel that I am trapped with a stranger living in my home, I even lock my bedroom door when I go to sleep at night. I am having a hard time geting over him bowing up on me. 

Just needed to vent. Thanks


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## Pam6 (Apr 9, 2009)

If the boy's father is not there then he should not be either! You are not his babysitter for his nearly grown freeloading son! Tell him to go back to his mother's. Change the locks and tell DH if he wants to live with the boy he can but you are not and that the boy can only visit when he is home. 
HUGS!


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

I think your husband is as irresponsible as his 17 year old son. Both need a kick in the -----. It is his job to raise his son, not yours. It is his job to make your life easier not harder.


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

...................You need a mean , smart jewish lawyer , that'll fix your 'Husband Ache' much quicker than a pill !:cowboy:


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## nodak3 (Feb 5, 2003)

Fowler, you are being played for a fool by this kid AND his dad.

Kid needs to go--but do NOT try to get him out alone.

Dad and mommy messed him up--he is their mess and being foisted off on you, with just enough ego stroking to make you feel guilty if you boot him out.

Find a place you can stay safe away from the farm. Take a bulky person armed with a cell phone with you when you go to tend the animals.

Call dh and tell him you are gone til sonny is gone, permanently if not dealt with in 30 days.

Sorry, but your dh sounds like a creepy sociopath to laugh when you burn yourself.

And step son sounds like a chip off the old block.

They are users, honey, playing you like an old violin. Grow a spine and stand up for yourself. You won't have to boot anyone out--they will go of their own accord.

I hate divorce and believe it to be wrong, but not as great a wrong as abuse. And you have been emotionally and verbally abused and threatened with bodily assault.


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## Honey Berry (Oct 22, 2005)

Fowler, you must be so stressed out! How much longer is the boy staying with you? Is he starting school soon? I am guessing that he will return to his mother's home to begin school...are you trying to stick it out with him until then?


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

Oh, no! Please sent this brat home to mama..you do not have to have him there if this dad isn't. It is so not your job to have him there. Do not leave and just come to feed and farm..it is your home. Baby boy can go..call his mom and tell he to come get his hind-end out of your home and let it be known he can visit when his dad is home..in town at the local McDs. If they both laugh at you when you are hurt, you do not have to have him around..he is too old, far too old. So is your husband. Enough is enough!


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Honey Berry said:


> Fowler, you must be so stressed out! How much longer is the boy staying with you? Is he starting school soon? I am guessing that he will return to his mother's home to begin school...are you trying to stick it out with him until then?


He moved in June and wants to go to school here. His mom wouldnt let him move in last year because he was 16, now he is 17 and the law says he can choose. However my husband has not been here. And yes Honey Berry my nerves are shot.


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## PurpleMartineer (Apr 12, 2008)

Fowler, get him out. You shouldnt have to lock your bedroom door and deal with all this. They are using you. You have to put an end to this.


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## Freya (Dec 3, 2005)

Ok he broke your agreement. He is not a small child. So what are you going to do about it?


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


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## Gregg Alexander (Feb 18, 2007)

His daddy needs to grow a set and put his foot down or he would be gone before sundown around here.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

He is no tkeeping up his side of the agreement..sure he can choose by law but he is doing this so he can keepmaway from chores tell him and your DH it is time for him to go back to his mothers and he cannot come unless your DH is there. Get game cams to watch th eproperty to mke sure he doesn't "get back at ya" necause teen boys tend to show their aggresion in poor ways.


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## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

If it were me in this situation, and boy I wish I were after reading your posts, I would do this.... lure the 'boy' into the car by telling him you're taking him shopping for clothes, a burger, whatever. Then drive him directly home to his mothers and put him out in the driveway. Lock the car doors. And drive away. Take his clothing and toys back to him later or at night and deposit them in the driveway. And drive away. 

But that's just me.


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## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

emdeengee said:


> I think your husband is as irresponsible as his 17 year old son. Both need a kick in the -----. It is his job to raise his son, not yours. It is his job to make your life easier not harder.


This.

For that matter, his man-child should should be making your life easier as well. Ask him how he plans on accomplishing that. 

If this is a marriage of convenience, it sure hasn't been convenient for you lately. I wonder what your DH would have done if you weren't in the picture. You are more than a babysitter.


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## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

JuliaAnn said:


> If it were me in this situation, and boy I wish I were after reading your posts, I would do this.... lure the 'boy' into the car by telling him you're taking him shopping for clothes, a burger, whatever. Then drive him directly home to his mothers and put him out in the driveway. Lock the car doors. And drive away. Take his clothing and toys back to him later or at night and deposit them in the driveway. And drive away.


Well there's no reason to make a liar out of the OP. By all means, she should take this boy to the drive-through for that burger. THEN right to his mother's. :thumb:


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## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

An even better plan, yes!!

To Fowler, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, and I wish I had words of wisdom for you.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

Who is his dad working for? If he runs as a owner-operator he should put that lazy boy into the truck and take him along..br sure he works along the way. Great way for someone to see what people do earn those elctronic toys.


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## jlrbhjmnc (May 2, 2010)

The boy needs to go back to Mom. Period. She's the only parent who is around. It's not her choice whether he lives with her or not since Dad isn't home - the boy is HER responsibility.

Then you need to change your locks and tell DH "No." This boy's mother and father are dumping their child on you. He is eating your food. Using your utilities. Endangering your livestock. Threatening you. Why are you putting up with being treated this way?

You cannot help him - you have no legal authority and he doesn't respect you. He has to live with his mother. Call child services if necessary, but get this kid out of your house before something bad happens. It's not your fault - it's his parents' fault, and they've had every chance to do the right thing.

Given what you've posted, I believe there is a reasonable probability that this boy might harm you. Better to be on the outs with your DH than permanently disabled or worse.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

I think this boy and your husband has had their second chance with you and they blew it. The boy needs to go back home to mama right now. And then you need to have a major talk with your dh about your future together. He doesn't sound like he is there for you. That what you want and need doesn't matter much with him. I don't know if I could take that anymore. 

But first things first. Get the boy out of your home. You are there full time. DH is not. You should make the big decisions.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

Fowler said:


> And there lies the problem, husband is weak just wants everyone to be happy except me.
> 
> I work in town an hr away. Come home to find him sitting watching hunting shows every single day. I have told my husband. And he just wants everyone to be HAPPY!!! I get so mad I even quit cooking because, I was cooking the other day and husband and son came into kitchen and did not offer to help and was in my way to get to the sink from the stove. I asked them to go into the living room while I cooked. The son pulled up a chair to the island and just sat there looking at me. So I told him I didnt need an audeince either go into the living room with your dad. He said to me"why I'm not in your way".....and husband did nothing!!!...so I turned off the oven and stove and went out to the barn to do chores!!....30 min later husband finds me and ask when supper would be ready...I said "never if your son doesnt leave my kitchen!!"...I cannot believe what I heard next...My husband told me that "maybe if I would explain why I wanted him out of the kitchen instead of telling him to go to the living room while you cook he would have left."
> 
> ...


Oh, I am so sorry, sweetie.

You are SO screwed. DH is throwing you under the bus which is carrying his guilt over past parenting, and this kid knows it. He's blatantly showing you that he doesn't HAVE to respect you, because his father isn't going to make him. Ergo, Dad is choosing HIM over YOU. Surprise, it's not going away.

The only thing you can do at this point is tell DH, point blank, how your life is going to be from this point on. You have no right to choose what HIS life is going to be, but you certainly have the right to choose what YOURS is going to be.

I'd have a list of military schools available during that talk, too.

Good luck. You are SO going to need it.


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## farmergirl (Aug 2, 2005)

Fowler,
You have the right to change your mind. You thought it would be okay if he stayed, but it's obviously not. Just call your DH and tell him you have had a change of heart and the son is no longer welcome to live with you. It's your house, you decide.
If I were you, after the boy showed that he had no intentions of keeping up with the very minimal chores he promised to do, I would have called him when he was still at mommy's house on vacation and told him not to come back.
Your DH is gone all the time. Even if he's a great guy, there's no way on earth for him to keep close tabs on his son from so far away. Sad, but true.

If ANYONE made me feel unsafe in my own home, they would be gone. Period.
For some reason you have told yourself that you don't have the right to go with your gut on this one. You are consenting to feeling threatened and inferior.
Stop doubting that you deserve to feel comfortable in your own home and KICK THE BOY OUT.
Heck, if you were anywhere nearby in Texas I'd offer to help you do it :cowboy:


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

If you have a son or son-in-law (or both) in your area I would ask him to help you take the stepson to his mother's. I would be very concerned that he will destroy your home, hurt your animals or hurt you. If your husband can not stay home, the boy needs to go. You have given both of them more chances than they deserve. All the boy is learning is that all he has to do is refuse to do what is asked and agreed on and he can do whatever he wants. His father is doing the same thing.
I would change the locks, and alert the police so they can keep an eye on your place. This kid knows your schedule, your home, and has no respect for you. Neither does his father.


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## TJN66 (Aug 29, 2004)

The young ADULT in your house needs to go back to his Mother's house. If he wants to see his dad when he is in town then fine but not to stay while he is not home. There is no reason to think your stepson will not get violent again or worse accuse you of other things. You are not his parent period. Hubby is gone...Mom is there its her job to finish raising him not yours.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

He blew his chance....GONE! Mom can raise her own son since Dad wont/doesnt.

You taking it....WRONG.

Not your problem,its *his* PARENTS problem.


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## SquashNut (Sep 25, 2005)

This kid has shown his bad side. If it were me he would only come to visit for a few hours while dad was home and no over night stays at all.
You need to decide if it was a power play or his temper that you saw coming at you. If it was his temper it could flare up again unexpectatly.


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## TxHorseMom (Feb 21, 2011)

What happened to calling the police to kick him out? You have an adult there who doesn't belong. (step son) You are in fear for your life and you want him out. Simple as that. When hubby comes home you can tell him that from now on if HE isn't there, than neither is the son. And if Hubby doesn't straighten up, than he can stay gone too. You've been a doormat for far too long.


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## willow_girl (Dec 7, 2002)

What is it Dear Abby (or was it Ann Landers) used to say? "No one can take advantage of you unless you let them."


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Tracy Rimmer said:


> Oh, I am so sorry, sweetie.
> 
> You are SO screwed. DH is throwing you under the bus which is carrying his guilt over past parenting, and this kid knows it. He's blatantly showing you that he doesn't HAVE to respect you, because his father isn't going to make him. Ergo, Dad is choosing HIM over YOU. Surprise, it's not going away.
> 
> ...


Yes, and screwed over royally! Mostly by your dear sweet husband.

Get a lawyer!


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## lenii (Dec 31, 2005)

pamda said:


> I would make him go back to his moms, now. Only let him live at your house when his dad is home. This young man (boy) is not your problem any longer. He threatened violence in a play to get his way. It is a deal breaker. Maybe in 6 months if you see an improvement he could come to stay without dad. I have 6 step-kids. Now all grown, all but one are a mess. Because my hubby would not parent, he wanted to be the good guy, not the dad. So sad.


If you don't do this, you can't complain, and quit playing with him with the four wheelers.


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## Waiting Falcon (Nov 25, 2010)

Sometimes when you have been pushed against the fall (mentally) so many times you just can not handle them. Although Fowler has had support on this list how much support has she had nearby form her church, relatives, friends, neighbors? There are times it takes a hug, a loving touch, a phone call, a visit to raise ones courage to face another day, to be able to have the strength once again to stand tall and say NO!
Fowler, you need help NOW from a counseling agency or womens abuse agency. This can only deteriorate since he knows your door is locked. I would get a locksmith and change the locks on the doors. Please get the help you need now .


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

Is there a reason why he doesn't have a job?


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

shanzone2001 said:


> Is there a reason why he doesn't have a job?


He doesn't want to AND his father wont make him.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

Waiting Falcon said:


> Sometimes when you have been pushed against the fall (mentally) so many times you just can not handle them. Although Fowler has had support on this list how much support has she had nearby form her church, relatives, friends, neighbors? There are times it takes a hug, a loving touch, a phone call, a visit to raise ones courage to face another day, to be able to have the strength once again to stand tall and say NO!
> Fowler, you need help NOW from a counseling agency or womens abuse agency. This can only deteriorate since he knows your door is locked. I would get a locksmith and change the locks on the doors. Please get the help you need now .


 This is the best advice so far..if I had had 1 person to stand beside me or behind me for support when the ex..steps were acting up I think my life would have been so much easier. But, the ex had a way about him that made everyone think he was the good guy and I was wrong. He is actually still like that. 
I tossed my 18 year old step son out in a raging snow storm when he kicked my son in the spine (he was 7 or 8) because the kids were watching tv and step son wanted to watch the playboy channel. My hubby was very angry,at me.. but the kid never lived in my house again..and right now he is locked up for molesting his own step daughter and for theft. He got more time for the theft then the other...and will be out next year...the rest of the story with his kids could fill a book.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

Thank you all for your support, You all are the best and your honesty whether I like it or not is much appreciated and I've read everyone's comments.

Husband drove home to talk to me last night, because I said something on the phone that disturbed him.
I asked "Why is there stranger in my house making me feel uncomfortable"
At first he blew up and stated "My son is not a stranger"!!
I stated "The day he blew up on me he became someone I didn&#8217;t know and no longer wanted to know".

The bottom line is, he got home at 10:00 pm and I laid out the truth and my husband didn&#8217;t like it and ask me if I was making the boy feel unwelcomed.

Then I blew up and told him "I was the one that felt uncomfortable in my own home"!!

He tried to reverse the roles and asked if I were gone all the time and he treated my daughter this way how would I feel? I told him my daughter lived with me before we were married and she NEVER threatened him.
He was trying so hard to reverse everything and make me feel bad.
He stated "You&#8217;re not gonna be happy till my son is gone are you!?!"
He just wants to get away from his mother and looks to you for guidance and...and...and..
I just said "I feel I was cornered to make a decision on the spot and the boy is not my responsibility and it's not my job to discipline him or be his mother!! I am nothing to this kid!! Why is he here!?!! You are not!!

Needless to say he knows my feelings and said "well I hope in time ya'll will be able to work this out". It will be better when I can get on a regular schedule.

Thank you all for your input; I guess I am not as strong willed as I want to be. He knows how I feel and doesn&#8217;t care. He does not want to kick the boy out or get onto him over the phone. If I tell the boy anything he goes out of his way to make sure he continues doing it. And if I tell my husband what the boy is not doing he asks &#8220;well what do you want me to do? I'm at work!!! and that his job is very stressful right now and this drama is making his chest hurt.

I quit.


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## TxHorseMom (Feb 21, 2011)

But fowler, nothing was resolved! Is the son still there? Ok, so he drove home, how long is he staying home? It seems like you are going to have to keep repeating yourself until he understands you really MEAN IT. ( until you're blue in the if necessary) He is just trying to wear you down until you get tired and give in. And the comment that he is getting chest pains from the stress is a cheap shot to try to make you feel guilty. Tell him the stress will go away when the son goes away.


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## scooter (Mar 31, 2008)

Your DH has shown his callous disregard for your feelings. Don't you think you deserve better? Time for you to make some big changes.


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## TJN66 (Aug 29, 2004)

I think you have your answer. Time to start looking for someplace else for them to live. It will be a wake up call for both of them.


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## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

Wow. Wish I had words to help, but short of either transporting the boy back to his mother's house or having him removed by the police, you're going to be in the same situation until something happens. Situations like this often escalate, and I hope and pray the boy doesn't do anything physical or violent. It is clear that your husband doesn't want any part in raising his son at all. Or at least that is how it appears when reading your post about what he said.

Again, if it were me, I would remove the boy a.s.a.p., back to his mother's house. That would be my first step. Then hubby could decide if he still wanted to live in my home or not.

Just my .03, and I will pray for your situation. You don't deserve this from your husband.


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## beccachow (Nov 8, 2008)

Your husband is trying to cover his feelings of guilt over not being around for this boy and THAT is why he won't make a stand. At this point, I would pack some clothes and move in with a friend, have the friend with me when I go over to care for the animals and let them fend for themselves. I can't believe I am going to say this, but if THAT doesn't make DH change his mind, then he isn't the man you thought he was when you married him and you might need to consider bigger changes. This man is STILL not in his son's life. He has spoken and made it plain you are on your own...if I were you, I'd make sure HE was on his own. Lock up the valuables, change the locks on the bedroom door with the valuables in there (move them while he is at work) and get out. Let's see how well he does when he fends for himself. Also, let's see how long it takes DH to come home when the boy calls him whining that you left. YOU need to get away for a few days. Your home is your sanctuary, the one place you can feel safe, and that has been taken from you. Get out.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

TJN66 said:


> I think you have your answer. Time to start looking for someplace else for them to live. It will be a wake up call for both of them.


See a lawyer.

Your DH has made his choice.


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## nodak3 (Feb 5, 2003)

As to Fowler leaving: this is an abuse situation. She needs a safe place to live while she gets the son out legally. Locks changed. A guard dog, legal gun, etc.

I question whether there is even a "marriage" when the husband is almost never home, dumps his delinquent kid on the lady, doesn't protect her from abuse, and sadistically laughs when she is injured.

Does he pull wings off flies? Burn kittens?

This is a very unhealthy situation.

Fowler, please call your local domestic violence hot line and get some counselling through them. At the very least get some pamphlets and info from them. And here we go again : read the book Boundaries.


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## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

nodak3 said:


> I question whether there is even a "marriage" when the husband is almost never home, dumps his delinquent kid on the lady, doesn't protect her from abuse, and sadistically laughs when she is injured.


We are all judging Fowler's marriage..... unfortunately..... for good reason, I think.

I agree with the others. Fowler I think you need to make a move. As long as your husband treats you like his personal babysitter instead of his wife, what's in it for you at this point? Sorry you're in such a difficult position.


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## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

I think hubby needs to read this thread.


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## Ann-NWIowa (Sep 28, 2002)

You want the young man out?? Call the Sheriff and tell him you were threatened and you fear for your safety and that he is refusing to leave. Be sure the Sheriff knows he can go to his mothers. Go to court and get a restraining order. You cannot wait (forever) for you dh to be home to act. I assume you cannot just leave due to the animals. If your dh doesn't like your actions point out that you asked for his help and he refused so you had to do what was necessary to ensure your own safety. I'd also ask if he wanted to pack his bags and go too if he's not willing to protect you.


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## Fowler (Jul 8, 2008)

MDKatie said:


> I think hubby needs to read this thread.


I was thinking the same thing.


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## jen74145 (Oct 31, 2006)

Whew.

Lots I want to say, but I'll just leave it at a wish for it to all work out for the best.

Your husband... you know what, I'm just really, truly sorry.


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## HOTW (Jul 3, 2007)

I don't think huby is going to care if he reads this thread. He wants to be his son's buddy and he is using manipulation to make you let the boy do what he wants. Unfortunately men do not like to face life alone an dwant wives who pick up after them. This is not your mess get that abusive young man out of your home. Tell your DH he is not welcome home if he cannot see your POV. He can go live with his buddy at his ex's house if he wants. The boy has gotten his way and your DH is not going to see it your way. Usually men dont see the result of thier stupidity until you are ready to toss them out. I suggest you look for the divorce laws in your state online and print out a seperation agreement. It worked opn my hubby when he was being a moron. 

Only you can make this better. I suggest you get a very LARGE friend to come stand with you as you tell that brat he is no longer welcome in YOUR house unless his daddy is there adn if anythign happens to your farm he will end up in jail. Daddy can't help if you press charges.I also sugges tyou see if you can talk to the mom and see if she has had the same issues with the brat. 

Your DH will prob be resentful to you and you have to see if your marriage is worth him.


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## Waiting Falcon (Nov 25, 2010)

Fowler , my dear, how well do you know your husband?How long? Has it been years? months ? it seems like he is home so little.
Men look at things differently than women. If this is his only son, it is his name that is being continued- he could not deny his name!
How was your husband raised? That men are all that matter- women are lesser quality? 
You raised your own family and did a wonderful job of it You are not required by law or God to raise someone's/anyone's rebellious son. Biblically thee are some very strong rules. by law there are also laws- that is the reason there are reform school etc. 
You have the right to a peaceful house. On underage child has the right to take that peace away from it. You did not raise That boy to be what he is.


Think about yourself now we are behind you stand your ground, don't let the men folk belittle you! Come out of the corner with your guns loaded and a steady confident aim! No backing down ! 

Remember your medication can have a bad effect - make sure you are not having adverse reactions. Talk to your doctor again.

My nerves would be shot too!


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## bluemoonluck (Oct 28, 2008)

Ann-NWIowa said:


> You want the young man out?? Call the Sheriff and tell him you were threatened and you fear for your safety and that he is refusing to leave. Be sure the Sheriff knows he can go to his mothers. Go to court and get a restraining order. You cannot wait (forever) for you dh to be home to act. I assume you cannot just leave due to the animals. If your dh doesn't like your actions point out that you asked for his help and he refused so you had to do what was necessary to ensure your own safety. I'd also ask if he wanted to pack his bags and go too if he's not willing to protect you.


I ditto this.

You offered a 2nd chance to the kid, and he blew it. Game over.

Call the Sheriff's office and tell them that your DH isn't home and his son is intimidating you. Tell them you have told your DH that you do not want this boy in your home but he told you "tough" and left you at the son's mercy. 

You want them to come pick up the son and take him to his mother's house.

Once he is gone, change the locks. 

See if you can get a restraining order against the son. 

If he appears on your property, call the cops and report him.

Call a divorce attorney and get a free initial consult. You can do a trial separation from your DH for starters - those are not permanent.

Once this is done, inform your DH that the locks are changed and the way you see it, he has abandoned you and your marital residence. Tell him you are working with a divorce atty and he has two choices: 1) divorce, or 2) marriage counseling. 

Make it clear to your DH that under no circumstances is his son permitted on the property again, and you WILL call the police and file charges if he does.

If you don't act QUICKLY and FIRMLY you are going to end up in a world of hurt.... I'm concerned for your safety and the safety of your animals.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

I'm so sad for you. sounds like such a horrible situation that is now pretty much out of control. I'm sad your world has been turned upside down. but..and you're going to probably hate me for this...I'm sad for your husband, too. sure he's feeling guilt, but he's also feeling something akin to that whirlwind of wonderful people feel in a new relationship. he wants to bond with his son. ok, he's not going about things the right way to please you just now, I do get it. you're frustrated. I'm also sad for this teen kid, and no matter who wants to belittle him and call him a brat, he's just a troubled kid. tossed from one to the other. of course he has attitude. heck kids raised with both parents in a stable home have attitude adjustment problems at that age. he doesn't feel wanted there. how would I handle it all? I don't have a clue, but I do know one thing. this is quickly escalating to disaster for your marriage, and I'm most sad for that. what did you do about animal care before the son came to live with you? couldn't you go about it just a bit less demanding for a while and let things settle? why, you ask? because otherwise your life is going to REALLY change, and probably for the worse. in this phase of new found love, your hubby will honestly pick his son. you won't leave him any choice. yes, I really am so sad for your situation. it all seems so horrible, but somehow to me it just really doesn't have to be that way if two adults would bend a little. and just let the kid ease in to life there.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

Sheesh,I'd have hubby served with divorce papers and at that point the ball is in HIS court.Completely his choice at that point.

He can decide if he wants a divorce or not.Wont be any more talk and BS,the line is drawn,and she will see just who the bleep did she marry?

I wonder if Fowler is trapped by finances?How much time invested in this marriage? Lots of factors.

As for sonny boy,he has options at 17,if he cant live with family as a reasonable contributing young adult,its welcome to the real world,get a job or go to Afghanistan,his options,his bed,now go lie in it.

Easy for me to say,I can support myself,move,whatever it takes,Fowler may not have those options at hand so readily.I agree though,Fowlers life is headed for some terrible times,very sad.Wish you well Fowler.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

Fowler, I'm sending you a big hug!

This must hurt terribly!


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## lenii (Dec 31, 2005)

but this young man has to leave. He already has come between you and your husband. Your husband is not putting you first,and takes the easy way out.

Get on the phone and have the police take that child back to his mother, if your dh is angry, so be it. If he is not home, you shouldn't have to put up with that. 

And yes, let him read this thread. Good luck.


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## jessepona (Sep 7, 2005)

shanzone2001 said:


> Is there a reason why he doesn't have a job?


Ditto this. If he can't work at home then maybe he can work somewhere else like a fast food place where he's supervised and made to work. Having something to do and a way to earn his own money might make him feel better about himself as well as learn responsibility. I'm a firm believer in the power of work. It does wonders! I got my first job at 14 and loved it.

I think you've been so patient with this kid and your husband. If only they would both just man up and give you the respect you deserve :-/


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

mamita said:


> I'm so sad for you. sounds like such a horrible situation that is now pretty much out of control. I'm sad your world has been turned upside down. but..and you're going to probably hate me for this...I'm sad for your husband, too. sure he's feeling guilt, but he's also feeling something akin to that whirlwind of wonderful people feel in a new relationship. he wants to bond with his son. ok, he's not going about things the right way to please you just now, I do get it. you're frustrated. I'm also sad for this teen kid, and no matter who wants to belittle him and call him a brat, he's just a troubled kid. tossed from one to the other. of course he has attitude. heck kids raised with both parents in a stable home have attitude adjustment problems at that age. he doesn't feel wanted there. how would I handle it all? I don't have a clue, but I do know one thing. this is quickly escalating to disaster for your marriage, and I'm most sad for that. what did you do about animal care before the son came to live with you? couldn't you go about it just a bit less demanding for a while and let things settle? why, you ask? because otherwise your life is going to REALLY change, and probably for the worse. in this phase of new found love, your hubby will honestly pick his son. you won't leave him any choice. yes, I really am so sad for your situation. it all seems so horrible, but somehow to me it just really doesn't have to be that way if two adults would bend a little. and just let the kid ease in to life there.


This boy-man has not been tossed from parent to parent..he wants to live at Dads house because he didn't want to live at Mom's because of rules..go back and read the first post again. And no matter..if dad is not home except once in 2 months..he does not belong at step-moms house at all. She does not owe him a kindness..he threatened her safety and is harming the animals if he won't water them.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

Ardie/WI said:


> Fowler, I'm sending you a big hug!
> 
> This must hurt terribly!


Ardie, I think that's the best post on this thread. you know, sometimes people get very frustrated and so angry. so they vent. a LOT. usually somewhere they feel comfortable, and I'm guessing this was Fowler's safe place. then this thread got really hateful, and it fired her up even more instead of maybe the safe vent she was going for. it's hard being a step parent, and she's having a tough time. so maybe we should have all just sent her hugs and words of encouragement that didn't include bashing a kid or telling her to disrespect and/or dump her husband. maybe sometimes a person just needs people to simply listen. I don't think this kid is evil, and I don't think Fowler really does either. she's just upset. so BIG HUGS!!! it will get better. just don't listen to so much anger or be so angry yourself that things get really, really bad. hold on...here comes BIG FULL BODY HUGS that just may knock you over!

and yes, I read the first post. and I happen to believe that kid has every right to be in his step mom's home where his dad lives. come on. sometimes life gets difficult, but you don't call the cops and kick out a kid. you vent. kick tires. scream. and then you work it out.


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Ardie/WI said:


> Fowler, I'm sending you a big hug!
> 
> This must hurt terribly!


Big hugs from me too. Send the boy home to mama as soon as possible by whatever means possible (police). Tell them you are scared for your life.

Then tell dh, who has chosen his son over you, what you did and that he (husband) is not welcome back at home until situation is resolved. Heck, I'd probably go right away and file separation papers.

Your husband doesn't get it. You need to make sure he gets it!!!:flame:


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

For those of you asking why he doesn't have a job, go back and look at post 123. He does have a job. Fowler says there:



> He lays on my couch all day and watches TV and goes to his dishwasher job @ 4:00. Thank you baby Jesus I dont have to see him when I get home.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

mamita said:


> Ardie, I think that's the best post on this thread. you know, sometimes people get very frustrated and so angry. so they vent. a LOT. usually somewhere they feel comfortable, and I'm guessing this was Fowler's safe place. then this thread got really hateful, and it fired her up even more instead of maybe the safe vent she was going for. it's hard being a step parent, and she's having a tough time. so maybe we should have all just sent her hugs and words of encouragement that didn't include bashing a kid or telling her to disrespect and/or dump her husband. maybe sometimes a person just needs people to simply listen. I don't think this kid is evil, and I don't think Fowler really does either. she's just upset. so BIG HUGS!!! it will get better. just don't listen to so much anger or be so angry yourself that things get really, really bad. hold on...here comes BIG FULL BODY HUGS that just may knock you over!


I would have agreed with you. Until the 17 yo boy physically threatened her.

At that point, it went from being a power struggle to being a threatening situation, and NO WOMAN should feel threatened in her own home, EVER.

It will not do the child harm to live with his mother -- because his father IS NOT THERE. Dad lives and works ELSEWHERE. He's not raising the child. Fowler did not give birth to or marry this little darling, ergo, he is NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY, nor should she be suffering the consequences of his poor upbringing.

"This thread got really hateful"? I think that some here are simply concerned for her welfare, in having a physically mature man with the obvious emotional maturity of a child, with no emotional attachment to her to temper his temper, living in her home and threatening her, especially when his parent -- her husband -- isn't even there.


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## stormwalker (Oct 27, 2004)

Tracy, I think you hit it right on the head!
I'm pretty fierce, and I wouldn't stay a night in that position.
There are so many threats to her well-being.
Physically, emotionally. and legally


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## AR Cattails (Dec 22, 2005)

Tracy Rimmer said:


> I would have agreed with you. Until the 17 yo boy physically threatened her.
> 
> At that point, it went from being a power struggle to being a threatening situation, and NO WOMAN should feel threatened in her own home, EVER.
> 
> ...


:clap:

:goodjob: +1


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## snoozy (May 10, 2002)

Fowler said:


> He moved in June and wants to go to school here. His mom wouldnt let him move in last year because he was 16, now he is 17 and the law says he can choose. However my husband has not been here. And yes Honey Berry my nerves are shot.


Seems to me he needs to be where his father is then -- which seems to be on the road or in another town or wherever dad is. Being with his father doesn't mean he gets to live where his dad parks his spare clothes, because it doesn't seem like dad actually lives with you. 

If he doesn't want to live with his mother and his dad does not live in a situation where he can have his son with him, the kid DOES have another option: he can rent a room in a house somewhere and emancipate himself. Sounds like everyone would be happier all around if he did. He doesn't want to be told what to do, he doesn't want to participate in the household, his mother can't handle him and neither can his dad, or at least he doesn't bother, and it isn't your responsibility, when he has threatened you. Your husband's parental responsibilities do not include you having to put up with being threatened.


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## shanzone2001 (Dec 3, 2009)

Paumon said:


> For those of you asking why he doesn't have a job, go back and look at post 123. He does have a job. Fowler says there:


I missed that. Now that has been clarified, I wonder if he has been required to pay for rent and food?


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## soulsurvivor (Jul 4, 2004)

Fowler, please remove yourself from that situation. Both the husband and his son are exhibiting signs of psychotic behaviors. You do not reason with a social psychopath. Never assume they have emotions other than for themselves. I wouldn't do or say anything else to them in person. Everything from this point forward should be done/stated through a third party, lawyer, judge, police. 

I understand you're concerned about the care of your animals. Consider housing the animals elsewhere or sell them. Your personal safety is the primary consideration now. You need to open your eyes and look at what's in front of you from this point forward. Do not give them any opportunity to physically harm you.


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## Paumon (Jul 12, 2007)

Fowler, I'm really sorry to see your last sentence where you said "I quit". You now sound extremely dis-spirited and beaten down. I hope you won't quit on sticking to your own guns, your own personal integrity. Don't let them guilt-trip you and beat you down and turn you into a down-trodden and fearful slave to somebody elses child that you have to lock your bedroom door to at nights in your own home.

If my husband were to deliberately put me in such an untenable and fearful position in my own home and then abandon me to my own devices I would quit on my husband since he had already quit on being a husband and become a stranger to me. What he's done to you is one of the worst kinds of betrayal and abandonment that a husband can do to his wife.

I think you should go find out from the mother exactly what kind of troubles she's been having with the boy that the boy and his father have not told you about. Find out from her if he has ever threatened her with assault, or possibly already done so in the past. Document everything that has caused concern for both her and yourself. Go see a family services lawyer, I think you need one if you don't want to risk losing everything.

PS - you haven't said anything about the relationship between you and the boy's mother. Are you on good speaking terms with her?


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## Cashs Cowgirl (Jan 26, 2006)

willow_girl said:


> What is it Dear Abby (or was it Ann Landers) used to say? "No one can take advantage of you unless you let them."


That was exactly my thoughts as I read a post of hers...No way would that boy be staying any longer.


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## Molly Mckee (Jul 8, 2006)

Fowler, I would ask your children to read this, or at least talk to them about it. See what they think about the situation--they know everyone involved and they will have your best interests at heart. Someone needs to look out for you!

There is no way I would allow this young man to continue to live in my house, he knows that your opinion doesn't matter and Daddy will be sure he gets what he wants. Spoiled and a bad temper are a very bad combination. It is surprising that your husband can come home when he is defending what his son wants but stays gone for two to three months otherwise--

We will keep you in our prayers.


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## Elsbet (Apr 2, 2009)

(((hugs, Fowler))) I hope you get this resolved to your safety and benefit. I hate seeing anyone in this kind of pain, and even though I've never met you, my heart is going out to you. I'm not going to tell you what your husband and his son need to do- you can't force changes in other people, but you DO know what you need to do to be safe, and I hope that you will have the courage to do that for yourself. No one should have someone living in their home that does not respect or honor them.


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## PurpleMartineer (Apr 12, 2008)

Is there anywhere you can go stay to get away? If you feel your husband doesn't care about how you feel, maybe you need to kick it to the next level. He probably figures you just will quiet down about it eventually and he is banking on that, so he is pretty much using you. I guess you have to figure out if you can deal with feeling used, and how that might affect your marriage in the long term. It would be one thing if this kid didn't have a mother, or lost his mother....but he just doesn't want to live with her because life is easier at your place. That ain't right. He needs to go back to his mother. He's old enough to be at home alone, so leave him there, ask your neighbors to look after your animals, and go stay with a friend.


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## Freya (Dec 3, 2005)

*You deserve to be happy. Period.*


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

well, Fowler. I do believe still what you posted as a frustrated vent now has everyone believing your husband and his son are evil abusers and worse. I'd bet the ranch you have no plans on getting a divorce or running to a safe house. sometimes venting is such a good thing. sometimes it just isn't.


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## countryboy84 (Dec 8, 2010)

Well I am a lot harsher then most people. No way that My son or stepson at 17 will get away with that kinda stuff. My son is 7 and stepson is 10 and they dont get by with it now. If I was to come home at any time even 2 in the morning and there chores not done they would be woke and sent to do them. I am the parent and I am in control. Like I tell them "unless the good lord speaks to you directly what I say goes no matter what" 
If they did try this at seventeen they would have to deal with me as I see them a MAN. I would treat them in that asspect just like hired help. If you dont do what you should around the farm then get the heck out of here. Any lip from them over would get there mouth smashed. It is time that we make our kids grow up befor they are out on there on thier own. Heck at 17 I was having to do almost everything on the farm not just a few chores. I had a few chores starting at 5 by 10 I was expected to have the tractor hooked and fueled and everything ready to go befor Pap came home from work. By 12 I was to be doing as soon as I came home from school and eat. If not then that 2 inch wide strip of leather he wore around his wraist founds it way around my a**. If I back talked any I would of had to pick my self up off my back from where the old man just knocked me. Thats not abuse it is teaching me work and responability and maturity. My wife says that it made me more mature then most people well my senior in years but that is a good thing.
OOHHH I pray that what we are doing now with our kids prevents this in the future or I will loose my mind cuase it is making me fume just thinking about it.


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## lenii (Dec 31, 2005)

Having to go to the Dr. and get drugs for your nerves, is unexceptable. does your husband know that? How long have you been married to him? Where are your kids in this situation? You need their help.


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## Jan Doling (May 21, 2004)

List your options. If it was the hubby's farm before you married, then you could rent something nearby and move your animals. If it was your farm, then have the brat removed, change the locks and write DH and rotten SS off. Life is too short for this stuff.


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## belladulcinea (Jun 21, 2006)

Mamita, do you not get that this man-child threatened her? Seriously. There's a reason the old testament let parents stone their rebellious children. I used to tell mine that all the time. 

You can only do what you can then you have to let it go or them go. It's obvious that you love your husband and have been put in an impossible situation. But, the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, from reading the post of your husband's conversation with you, that's exactly what is happening! Craziness. Hope things get better for you soon.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

I'm trying to give a little perspective here. everyone is assuming the worst, and I'm just not. I'd be willing to bet Fowler is off to work as usual. where is she? she either feels embarrassed by this now, or you all may be right and she's locked in....or off to a safe place. BUT I still don't see how you all came to the conclusion that this husband or child is so evil. I know...you simply hate me for that. I pray she is fine. I truly do! but it just seems everyone is so riled up, and none of us know the true situation. we heard a frustrated, angry vent. I don't bash family, and I don't condone bashing any child. hate me for that, too. I look at things with my eyes wide open, and I don't get in a frenzy over an internet rant. it amazes me how many here are so quick to jump in the frey to condemn her husband and a teen. and sorry...say man child all you want, this is a kid. if you can't handle being a step-parent, don't marry a person with children. bash away, I can take it. but for goodness sakes, this has gotten so out of hand.


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## chickenista (Mar 24, 2007)

Fowler said:


> I laid out the truth and my husband didn&#8217;t like it and ask me if I was making the boy feel unwelcomed.
> 
> He was trying so hard to reverse everything and make me feel bad.
> He stated "You&#8217;re not gonna be happy till my son is gone are you!?!"
> ...



Ok.. well here you go. 
"well what do you want me to do about it? I am at work!!"

That is the line in which he gives you permission to make the decisions.
I would put the phone in my hand with 9 and 1 pushed.
I would tell the step-son that he can either go home to his mother's right now or you will call the police. The phone is in your hand so that you can squeak for help if he blows up at you. 
Or if you want to be safe you can call the non-emergency number and have them on the line with you already when you tell him or they can send an officer over to stand with you.

It sounds harsh, but he will not leave on his own. Your DH does not care about you or how you feel or anything else in the whole wide world. He does not even care about the step-son.

Your DH is not there. The house and the farm and the daily life are yours and yours alone. You can do what you want. It is friggin ridiculous that you feel the need to lock your door at night and creep and cringe around the house because a stranger has taken it over. Do you want me to come over and stand with you?? 
And what is DH going to do?? Get mad? Feel resentful? 
So what?
Big deal.
I wouldn't really worry all that much about DH at this point.
He is being a louse and obviously does not really care for you as he should.
What husband would allow this, say these things and act this way?
Or.. another way to look at it is...
What FRIEND would allow this, say these things and act this way?
Your DH is not a good friend and being a good friend is the number one job of marriage. Your mate is someone who has your back all the way... your number 1 confidant.. the one person in the world that is on your side and wants the best for you and should never, ever make you feel bad about yourself or life in general.

So.. mentally prepare yourself. Pack the pup's stuff up. And make the call.

OR.. you can put the TV behind a locked door and film him as he kicks the door in while you are at work. That should do it... he assumes that he has access to the TV. He does not. You ALLOW him to watch it. It is yours. You can take it away.. (that would just be the fun way to do it)


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## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

mamita, I'm kinda with you. 

How exactly did he threaten her? It was definitely wrong of him to make fists and cuss, but did he actually threaten her? And by calling the police on him would seriously be escalating the situation. 

I think this could all be taken care of by doing a few things. 

1. Have boy drug tested because if he's drinking at 17 he could possibly be on other drugs, which would explain the laziness and anger issues.

2. Sit down with hubby AND the boy's mom and work out clear cut rules to be followed at BOTH houses. Sorry, but the boy's parents need to be a united front with him, or else he's just going to keep trying to get away with stuff. Rules should be the same for both houses, for example, have a set chore list for him to do every single day. If he doesn't do chores, he will have consequences (that will be clearly layed out for him ahead of time). If he does not want to do any chores, then he will be a tenant in the house and will have to pay rent. Rent will be due on time or else he will be locked out. 

3. Then have a meeting with boy and his parents. Fowler should not be the one to enforce the rules, his parents should. The parents should clearly explain to the boy what rules he will have to follow when living in their houses. He should know that there will be no exceptions to the rules and MUST BE made to have consequences for each and every rule break. 

4. If the boy is to continue to live with Fowler, hubby MUST check in and make sure he's following the rules. It's not Fowler's job to discipline him, it's hubby's. 


This can definitely work out and be fixed, but all members have to be on board and both parents have to be willing to work together.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

listen, I'm alllll about this kid acting like a real jerk. sometimes kids do. big people, too. I get where he was wrong doing all the posturing, and it wasn't right. I get that. but he's a kid. now..where did the husband suddenly become evil? because his job takes him from home? what???? what fuels that farm? uh..maybe his work, so he does what he has to do. sorry he isn't perfect either. who is? who here is a perfect parent? not me, and I'd bet not anyone. life stinks sometimes. kids act stupid sometimes. husbands work too much sometimes. but I don't automatically bash them for it. I try to pull up the big girl panties and work it all out. acting stupid doesn't mean you are evil..or kill kittens..or any other bizarre thing I've read here. I don't know, but can't anyone of you just see past your own problems you may be projecting?


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

mamita said:


> BUT I still don't see how you all came to the conclusion that this husband or child is so evil.


No one is saying they're evil. Everyone who is suggesting that she is in DANGER is offering an opinion, just like you. You may not like it, you don't have to -- Fowler is an adult and can take from this thread what she needs to and discard the rest.



> I know...you simply hate me for that.


No one "hates you for that". You're a name on an internet forum, I doubt most people care much about you either way, you simply aren't that important to the lives of most people who frequent online forums. 



> I pray she is fine. I truly do! but it just seems everyone is so riled up, and none of us know the true situation. we heard a frustrated, angry vent. I don't bash family, and I don't condone bashing any child.


Good for you. Everyone who is telling her to BE SAFE and take precautions to BE SAFE wants the same thing. I have a 17yo boy in my home. He's not a child -- he's capable, physically, of as much as his father is. Perhaps your experience of 17yo boys is different, but if mine came at me in a threatening manner, using his physical size to intimidate me, or anyone else in my home, I can guarantee you that it would be the last time he did. THIS is what people are telling her. It's HER home, he has joined her home, and as the parent, or parent figure, she has the right to set the rules. She does NOT take a back seat, in importance or priority, to a 17yo boy who appears to wish to establish a pecking order, and her husband is not LOVING, HONOURING nor CHERISHING her if he allows it.



> hate me for that, too.


Again, no one hates you. 



> I look at things with my eyes wide open, and I don't get in a frenzy over an internet rant.


Actually, it would appear that you do, if your response to the responses on this thread are anything to go by. But again, it's the internet. Who knows? Who cares?



> it amazes me how many here are so quick to jump in the frey to condemn her husband and a teen. and sorry...say man child all you want, this is a kid.


No, it's not. If he is bigger and stronger than her, he is not "a kid". Mentally, perhaps, but if he has figured out that physical intimidation works (which, apparently it does, as she's now locking her bedroom door at night), then he has crossed a line, and is using his superior size and strength to intimidate. He can no longer be dismissed as "just a kid".



> bash away, I can take it. but for goodness sakes, this has gotten so out of hand.


I think you might be reading with your own emotional inflection on the postings. Again, Fowler is AN ADULT. You don't have to make her choices for her, nor do any of us. She is capable of doing that. That is ALL that is being pointed out to her, with the offering of other people's OPINIONS, which is what an internet forum is all about. 

I think I've read before that you have three boys, Mamita. Is it just possible that you can't envision a teenaged boy acting this way with his parents? Don't equate this situation to your experience, if that is the case. I'm sure you've raised your children to be respectful and non-violent. That is not the case with ALL seventeen year old boys.

I admit that I have personal experience which is colouring my reactions on this thread. Anyone reading an internet forum SHOULD be aware that the responses one gets ARE coloured by the experiences of the person responding. My own sister went through YEARS of hell with a stepson. She tried desperately to reach this kid, tried desperately to build a partnership with the boy's father (her husband) over raising this child, and it culminated in her being pinned against a wall with this kid beating her, and the father telling her that she shouldn't have provoked him.

Thank God she had the good sense to leave immediately. I honestly believe that had she simply stayed and continued to work it out, she'd be dead.

This child learned that he could use his size and strength against women, and his father wouldn't stop him. His father being the only real "authority figure" in his life at that time, he equated that with "authority figures won't stop me doing what I want to do", and has been in and out of jail for several years now. His life is no better because his father refused to man-up. My sister's life is no better because she lost everything just to get away. My BIL's life is no better, because he has spent the better part of the last ten years paying legal bills and hauling his kid out of jail. It's still never his fault -- people simply "don't understand how hard a childhood he had, with his parents split up".

You have your experience to relate. Do so, please. It can only help Fowler to have your view to balance out others. But please don't tell others that they cannot, also, offer an opinion or advice based on THEIR experiences. Again, Fowler is an adult, and capable of taking what she needs, and leaving the rest.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

I can't believe you put MY emotions in this thread when all I've been trying to do is calm down the emotions of others that seem to be bent on bashing and worse. for goodness sakes, I have nothing to gain emotionally by trying to give an opposite view. if you think that is my agenda, then I am fine with it. I just didn't see how something so easily fixed could get so out of control. but..hey...whatever, right? 

I made a huge mistake posting on this thread, and I am very sorry for it. it made me sad, and it made me wonder why I ever even tried. SOMETIMES it's just a rant. then people get so involved. you say it's me? go figure. I'm outta here.


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## farmhome5 (Dec 20, 2005)

Well, we are now past post #200.

I think Fowler has gotten some very good advice here. Now it is time for her to make up her mind to stay, go or kick one or both to the curb. Just last night her advice to someone on singletree was "Loose the wife and life will get better.Start a new life." Maybe that is good advice for her also, I don't know. Only she can decide.

I am sorry you were put in this position. Whatever you do please stay safe!


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

As much as it offends my politics at this point,he needs to join the Navy for everyone concerned.

Dad will be done dumping his responsibility,Mom will be done ducking hers,and Fowler can have her home back,and Sonny can learn the REAL facts of life that actions have REAL consequences,the military will teach him that.

Yes,at 17 he is a young *man*,and in a few months legally one.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

mightybooboo said:


> As much as it offends my politics at this point,he needs to join the Navy for everyone concerned.
> 
> Dad will be done dumping his responsibility,Mom will be done ducking hers,and Fowler can have her home back,and Sonny can learn the REAL facts of life that actions have REAL consequences,the military will teach him that.
> 
> Yes,at 17 he is a young *man*,and in a few months legally one.


why the Navy, says an ARMY brat. and real facts of life are not taught to you via the military. they are (hopefully) taught to you by your family. why does the military have to 'man up' your child? that's crazy to me. real life...is ...war? not to me. I am from a military family, but I didn't raise my children to rely on that for being strong. paleeese. sometimes kids GET that from loving parents. you know...two adults that come together and know how to handle those freaky teen years. wow..it's all so complicated...

and please..explain how this offends your politics. geez..I'm interested.

yes, I was outta here. but this type of silly just draws me back in a bit...sorry.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

This kid is not her problem...period. She did not give him life and she does not have to have him in her house while his dad is gone ALL the time. It is not her responsibility AT ALL. I went through so much with my step kids and a non parenting father and 2 moms who were and are totally not mother material. I tried so hard then tossed everyone out, the place we lived was in my name the bills were in my name so out they went. All of them, it was the best thing I ever did at that time. My own kids were little then and so conflicted by the mess. Years went by and they still remember the mess and meaness. 

Most 17 year olds are as big as an adult and have to clue they need to control themselves. Thinking of them as little boys and cutting them slack,is what is causeing the mess in this country with crime and lazy- ness and no work or personal ethics.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

pamda said:


> This kid is not her problem...period. She did not give him life and she does not have to have him in her house while his dad is gone ALL the time. It is not her responsibility AT ALL. I went through so much with my step kids and a non parenting father and 2 moms who were and are totally not mother material. I tried so hard then tossed everyone out, the place we lived was in my name the bills were in my name so out they went. All of them, it was the best thing I ever did at that time. My own kids were little then and so conflicted by the mess. Years went by and they still remember the mess and meaness.
> 
> Most 17 year olds are as big as an adult and have to clue they need to control themselves. Thinking of them as little boys and cutting them slack,is what is causeing the mess in this country with crime and lazy- ness and no work or personal ethics.


and this is what I meant by people drawing on their own problems to post on this thread. case closed. you put YOUR drama on someone else's problem, but that doesn't mean it's gospel fact, does it? 

and to the military solution. if you expect the Fed to man up your child instead of you, what else do you rely on the Fed for? just asking.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

and again. where is Fowler now? hidden? or just embarrassed for causing such a thread when she was only venting? until she surfaces, I'll take it that she is just cruising on with her life while people here get all willy.


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

mamita said:


> why the Navy, says an ARMY brat. and real facts of life are not taught to you via the military. they are (hopefully) taught to you by your family. why does the military have to 'man up' your child? that's crazy to me. real life...is ...war? not to me. I am from a military family, but I didn't raise my children to rely on that for being strong. paleeese. sometimes kids GET that from loving parents. you know...two adults that come together and know how to handle those freaky teen years. wow..it's all so complicated...
> 
> and please..explain how this offends your politics. geez..I'm interested.
> 
> yes, I was outta here. but this type of silly just draws me back in a bit...sorry.


It offends my politics because I feel our military is being misused,ie,the longest war in our HISTORY now going on,beats me what for.So there you have this Navy Vets politics.

And since nobody WILL man up to the kid,the military can and DOES man up to em just fine,they are experts at manning up kids who parents/homes havent,for whatever reasons.

Most all,IF they come home,come home a lot more mature and responsible than they went in.

Why the Navy? Because they have the best song....Anchors Aweigh. So there :nana:

PROOF! And let me SALUTE our Marine Brothers too! *The Finest Men and lest I forget Women on the planet!!!!*
So watch your mouth Mamita what you say to me about our Military Forces.Fair warning.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4mw5_X2XLY&feature=related[/ame]


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

mamita said:


> and again. where is Fowler now? hidden? or just embarrassed for causing such a thread when she was only venting? until she surfaces, I'll take it that she is just cruising on with her life while people here get all willy.


Why should Fowler be embarrassed? She asked for advice, people gave it. I see nothing in that to be embarrassed about.

And if people don't put their own experience on something, why would they have an opinion? Speaking on something WITHOUT personal experience would make no sense to me, whatsoever. What help can you be to the OP if you have no idea of what you're talking about? :shrug:


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

no..the military doesn't always MAN up your child. sometimes it beats them down. they don't always come home a hero, but often drug addicted. maybe I know more than you, booboo. they aren't experts at all. they rob CHILDREN of their years. they see more than they should ever see in anyone's life time. it is painful, not noble as you see it. they come home broken and without limbs. spirits shattered. oh, but I guess you know better.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

Tracy Rimmer said:


> Why should Fowler be embarrassed? She asked for advice, people gave it. I see nothing in that to be embarrassed about.
> 
> And if people don't put their own experience on something, why would they have an opinion? Speaking on something WITHOUT personal experience would make no sense to me, whatsoever. What help can you be to the OP if you have no idea of what you're talking about? :shrug:


but why oh why couldn't Anyone come on to talk to her about their personal experience with dealing with a difficult teen? WHY did it have to turn so ugly in bashing the husband? the child? why is all I ask? why couldn't people that have been in a step-parent situation come here and HELPED her cope? no. no...that didn't happen. everyone jumped on a bash bandwagon. do you even slightly see my thought here? MAYBE people should have given her step-parent guidence instead of bashing the CHILD (you will NEVER get me to waiver on this. 17 in my book is a child, people) or the husband who works away from home to support this family. helping Fowler may actually have meant hearing from people that went thru step-parenting woes as she. but not here. oh no...let the bash wagon run. suddenly the husband is a class A jerk and the kid is evil. I don't want to believe that about all of you. help me here. you can't be all that narrow minded.


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## Tracy Rimmer (May 9, 2002)

You're pointing out that people are making assumptions... by making assumptions. Fowler gave several examples of her DH's displayed lack of respect for her (laughing at her while sitting with his son watching her prepare meals, to the point where he actually laughed when she BURNT herself, not to mention the fact that his son, HIS SON, physically threatened her, and he did NOTHING about it). She's given several examples of the 17yo showing a complete lack of respect for her (laying on the couch, drinking her beer, snarking at her when she calls him on not doing chores, right up to physically, aggressively approaching her, swinging arms at her and yelling).

Why can't YOU see that this is unacceptable behaviour, and why can't YOU see that people are going to react to that kind of negative behaviour -- of both the DH and the SS? This is an internet forum -- it's what people do.

Yes, people could have been happy, happy, joy, joy. They could have told her "it'll be okay, I'm sure. Just have a talk when your DH finally comes home and tell him how you feel"...

She tried that. It didn't work. Further underlining the fact that neither of them, father or son, give a rat's patootie about her or her right to live in her own home comfortably.

And some of us are seriously, honestly, worried about her safety, because we have some experience with similar situations which turned out badly.

We are only getting one half of the story here, absolutely. But it's the only one being presented, and it's the one we're reacting to. You, obviously, have some experience with the OTHER side of that story, so perhaps you should share that with Fowler, rather than assuming that the DH and SS are the injured party. Perhaps sharing that with her will help her, too?

I simply fail to see why what is being said on an internet forum, which the OP is free to take or leave as she will, matters so much to you. I'm trying to understand that, really, I am.

Booboo's experience is HIS experience, you have no right to tell him that his experience is invalid or wrong, any more than he has the right to tell you that -- but if you don't SHARE that experience, how can people understand when you react so strongly to what is being said, to where you're coming from? It's about communication. If you don't want to communicate your experience, or have none to communicate, why get so upset?

You certainly don't have to share, but it would make more sense than getting upset with people on this thread for having an opinion which differs from yours.


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## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

Ok, please calm down mamita. I would really like this thread to remain open because I would like to hear follow ups from Fowler on how things are going.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

mamita said:


> and this is what I meant by people drawing on their own problems to post on this thread. case closed. you put YOUR drama on someone else's problem, but that doesn't mean it's gospel fact, does it?
> 
> and to the military solution. if you expect the Fed to man up your child instead of you, what else do you rely on the Fed for? just asking.


 Seriously i am taking this down. I don't attack people on line..sorry


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

I've said it before. this kid acted like a jerk. Fowler had a right to feel totally frustrated. maybe her husband didn't handle it well. that said...I'm so sad about this. how can you honestly not for one minute feel for this troubled kid? why is that so difficult for you? you all want to toss him to ...whatever... he is a KID. Fowler has problems with being a step-mom. I GET THAT. I feel bad for her. I'm shocked and beyond sad reading your posts. I guess I thought people here felt MORE. were adults MORE. the kid was a brat. OK. that said........who will be there to guide him then? not her. maybe not dad. certainly nobody here. you tossed him to the wolves. kids act stupid and reckless sometmes. for goodness sakes....can't you even try to understand the why of it all? say what you want about why I even respond. I don't care. talk about how 'threatening' that kid was. ya..where is Fowler now? she vented, and she's gone. yet you all feel so comfy bashing A KID. wow. it isn't about ME. that was stupid. it's about seeing something posted. reacting..a little. helping..a LOT. and not being drawn in to a big drama that this has become. you guys made this a huge drama, and I'm shocked. and sad. and sorry. and I still don't want to think about you like this. I truly am gone now, and you can carry on with the nonsense. I hope this thread gets closed. soon. I just don't know what else to say...


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

MDKatie said:


> Ok, please calm down mamita. I would really like this thread to remain open because I would like to hear follow ups from Fowler on how things are going.


and this is what surprises me most. telling me to calm down. when the pages of this thread bash. wow......


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## mightybooboo (Feb 10, 2004)

Why do I have visions of the FMF making a landing?:bouncy::hysterical:


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## snoozy (May 10, 2002)

At 17, in many cultures, he would already have adult responsibilities, already be taking care of himself, if not taking care of younger siblings. 17 is not a child. (Heck, at 17 I was starting my second year of college. But then, I'm a girl, and girls are more mature.:nana

So let us step back and think a bit. The kid is being a jerk. Being a typical lazy teenager. Wants to live there while he goes to school this coming year. Nobody wants a typical lazy teenager in their space. Nobody. We can all understand that. My twelve year old is already that way and right now I cannot wait for him to turn 18, hit the road and come back the gem I know he will become.

Fowler is not asking anything but the minimum from this kid, but she has no sway over him at all. So the deal is, live by the rules, or don't live here. Live elsewhere. The REAL problem is not the kid. The REAL problem is the husband, who is not being The Dad. He's just not there. And that is why Fowler feels unsafe and frustrated, unsupported and powerless. 

If I had a job that had me away from home for months or weeks at a time, I would not be in a position to provide custody for my offspring. Therefore, other arrangements would have to be made. In this case, since the kid won't live by the rules of the house, he needs to go back to his mother, or move out into his own digs. 

Oh, but I already said that...


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

mamita said:


> and again. where is Fowler now? hidden? or just embarrassed for causing such a thread when she was only venting? until she surfaces, I'll take it that she is just cruising on with her life while people here get all willy.


From what little I gathered by this thread, Fowler is probably mulling it all over. She's been hurt and disappointed by her DH and needs some quiet time.

Maybe we should let her be a bit.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

mightybooboo said:


> Why do I have visions of the FMF making a landing?:bouncy::hysterical:


yep..its me again. finding myself with a couple minutes to kill. so..I don't get it. you think something here is funny? nothing here is funny. not even if you're poking fun at me. this thread is serious and I feel for it as such. I actually feel every minute for Fowler. I worry about her. I care about her. so..even if I posted some things some might not agree with, I certainly don't think anything here is funny.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

I apologize to anyone that I've insulted. I apologize to ..all. I love being here. I love you all. and sometimes I do get a bit too intense. I just sometimes play devil's advocate..and that usually isn't a good thing with the masses. it's just to make you think, but not that I wish you to really bash me. sometimes I think seeing a different perspective shouldn't be a bad thing. but........then again......it just may be! I honestly just wish the best for all in this situation, and I'm very sorry I sounded like I didn't.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

Can we end this thread, now? Let the air clear. I think it would be good for Fowler to begin another thread. I am anxious as to what is going on in her life and if she is handling the situation well.


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

If it wasn't so darn hot I'd make cookies and serve them with milk...

Nothing like cookies and milk and maybe a little nap to improve dispositions.


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## pamda (Oct 14, 2004)

Ice cream,too?


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## SunsetSonata (Nov 23, 2006)

I'm another who hopes this thread stays open. I'd like to hear how Fowler is doing. It must be so hard to turn towards your husband for desperately needed support, only for him to basically turn his back on her, which is what he is doing if he is giving her the message that she is on her own. He tolerates what should not be tolerated from his son, and I believe the OP should get the message somewhere, even from an internet messageboard, that she should NOT be expected to tolerate this kind of stress without her husband's help. 

If the OP is on stress meds and has already threatened divorce, then clearly, she needs a lot MORE than just step-parent advice.


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## Catalytic (Sep 15, 2010)

olsonla said:


> I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you have no RIGHT to expect/ demand ANY chores to be done from your STEP Son... i found this out the hard way..... hence my recent divorce, from the father who thought i was much to harsh and demanded to much, on poor fragil 15 yo Stepson, to ask child to do basic chorse around the farm, the same chorse i had at the age of 9! - that same child has since dropped out of school, never got his DL, never held a job, braggs about his pot smoking -tv watching -sleep til noon life at the age of 20..... :shocked:
> 
> If your Husband is not going to enforce any reponsibilities on this CHILD, then it will never happen, and there is nothing you can do about it.....



Malarkey. And my husband IS 2 of the kids' stepfather. ANYONE who lives in my house will follow my rules, period, whether that individual shares blood with me or not. If the father is unsupportive of that, then he needs to go, too.

However, it sounds like the OP has a supportive husband, and I agree with taking away everything. If he doesn't feed animals, then he gets bread and water, just enough to keep you out of hot water with CPS. Animals go without cooling (the fans), he goes without it. Toss his butt out the door before you leave for work and do not let him have a house key to get back in. NO PHONE, NO TV, NO COMPUTER, NOTHING but what the law requires until he starts pulling his weight. (I have teens that want to be problem children to, I seriously empathize, mine think I am the biggest female dog on the planet, and one is moving out on her 18th birthday next month (thankyouGod!). 19 yr old has figured out perhaps mom isn't really so bad when he started pricing apartments :heh: He's expected to do 30-60 minutes a day around here, and help me with things I need on his days off from work. In exchange, I provide food, shelter, cable, internet, etc, and help him with college.


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## Catalytic (Sep 15, 2010)

Fowler said:


> And there lies the problem, husband is weak just wants everyone to be happy except me.
> 
> I work in town an hr away. Come home to find him sitting watching hunting shows every single day. I have told my husband. And he just wants everyone to be HAPPY!!! I get so mad I even quit cooking because, I was cooking the other day and husband and son came into kitchen and did not offer to help and was in my way to get to the sink from the stove. I asked them to go into the living room while I cooked. The son pulled up a chair to the island and just sat there looking at me. So I told him I didnt need an audeince either go into the living room with your dad. He said to me"why I'm not in your way".....and husband did nothing!!!...so I turned off the oven and stove and went out to the barn to do chores!!....30 min later husband finds me and ask when supper would be ready...I said "never if your son doesnt leave my kitchen!!"...I cannot believe what I heard next...My husband told me that "maybe if I would explain why I wanted him out of the kitchen instead of telling him to go to the living room while you cook he would have left."
> 
> ...


Oops, maybe husband isn't supportive. Husband needs to get his stuff together, too, then. If you work, I assume you pay for part of the household expenses, your house, your rules, kid can follow or gtfo.


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## mamita (May 19, 2008)

ok...I also hope it stays open. so Fowler can update everyone. yes..I'm interested in how she left. how she is now getting divorced from that abusive husband. am very interested in her new life plans. BIG HUGS again! let us know where you are, what you did with your animals, and your plans for the future. I sounded harsh, but didn't mean it. I want to know how you are...prayers for your happiness...and more.


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## Jenn (Nov 9, 2004)

bump.

Fowler please say boo if nothing else- otherwise maybe someone ought to check on you!

And tell us enough so we know it isn't your step son on your computer...


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## JuliaAnn (Dec 7, 2004)

Has anyone pm'd her to see if she's ok?


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## fordy (Sep 13, 2003)

...................She has another Sandbox she plays around in down the Singles forum ! She knew before she ever showed up here her Husband was manipulative and basically worthless as a trusted and caring partner in the game of life and marrige ! She also knows he has turned into nothing but a Bad Habit and it's time for her too separate herself from him and move on with her life . , fordy:shrug:


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## rambler (Jan 20, 2004)

I don't venture into this forum very much.

This thread caught my attention. Spent into the wee hours reading about 1/2 of it. So far.

cheated a bit & read the last few on the last page.

NEED to go to sleep now. So I'm replying as much to just be able to find the thread again....

But, wnt to thank everyone here for their expiriences and thoughts on a difficult topic. I have _zero_ experience with any of this. But am thankful for reading the thread.

In my simple thoughts on a topic I know nothing about, based on the small amount of info the OP felt like sharng, it seems the hubby is not a good parent, and marginal spouce at best. Seems the kid one can only feel sorry for, he was let down many years ago by a family that didn't get it right. It would be very difficult for the OP to shoulder the load of working this all out for the boy, who needs to straighten out but has the odds stacked against him. He needs help, but should it be up to the OP to invest so much for so small a chance of the kid straightening out?

But mostly, very interesting to read the various opinions here, ad personal info that was shared to help me understand some of the issues on this topic.

Thanks.

--->Paul


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## Ardie/WI (May 10, 2002)

I wish Fowler the best!


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