# Adult children of divorce.



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

I could use some tips on how to be helpful to my adult children deal with the huge change in our family dynamics. 

(Many of you know that I was blindsided by the abrupt ending of my seemly good 30 year marriage. My ex. married the other woman.)

This whole process has been very tricky for my daughters, I do not want to add to their pain.
For those who have been through this, what could your parents do or not do to help you with the changes?


----------



## whiterock (Mar 26, 2003)

roadless, my ex wife took off about 10 years ago. The divorce was about a month after our 32nd anniversary. She decided she liked women better than men.
I told son and daughter at that time that whatever relationship they had with their mom was between them and her. I stayed completely out of it.
Son didn't like it and would barely have contact with her for several years, then slowly started to go around her. Daughter didn't like it but she is the type that is always supportive of others so she tried to maintain a good relationship.
Back around Labor Day, she showed up at a ballgame of my grandson's. The kids were involved in watching the game and didn't want to hold a conversation during the game as they came to support grandson.
The ex and her partner got upset, left, and defriended the kids and grandkids on facebook. Pretty much the last straw as far as kids were concerned. They blocked her and deleted her phone # from all phones and facebook.
Monday before Christmas, she sent a long email and copied me into it. Told them how bad they hurt her but how happy she was now, and that she was coming to hospital for daughters surgery the next day. BOTH my kids sent her a fairly long response, both basicly said that she had walked off from them too many times and they were fine with not seeing her again and no reason for her to come where she was not wanted.
I reminded them of what I told them when she left and said nothing more. Inside, I was ecstatic because I didn't have to share kids and grandkids over Christmas. She made her bed, so....


----------



## cfuhrer (Jun 11, 2013)

My mom tried to encourage my sister and I to have a relationship with my dad when he left. She always encouraged us to invite him for holidays, birthdays, etc.

When they divorced my sister was a few months shy of her 18th so she still had to do visitation which she resents to this day.

The way he conducted himself both before, during and after their divorce resulted in my sister and I wanting nothing to do with him. The last time I laid eyes on my dad was the day of the final court hearing to force him to follow an existing order nearly 15 years ago. To my knowledge, to this day he still has not complied with that order.

Basically long story short - walk the high road, don't speak ill of your ex, encourage their continued relationship. Let your ex live and die by their own actions.


----------



## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

If the children had a good relationship with each parent before the divorce, they will afterwards. Now, a good relationship isn&#8217;t one where they don&#8217;t speak to each other and the parent has never been there for the child. Some parents will try to get the kids to side with them. If this is the type of person they are before the divorce, they will continue to be so.

Don&#8217;t trash the other woman. Chances are your kids will hate her because they see her as the reason for the divorce. Also, they can&#8217;t stand to think of their parents having sex. When they ask, just say sometimes people grow apart, and, it takes two to make a marriage.

Don&#8217;t play the victim. Hold your head up high.


----------



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Thank you all for your responses. .......I can use the food for thought. 

I never had a relationship with my own father....I simply don't have anything within to help with what my daughters are experiencing. It had just been my mom and siblings.


----------



## Jade1096 (Jan 2, 2008)

I agree with most of what has been stated here.

Their relationship with their father is none of your business at this point. All you can do is continue building up your own relationship with them.

I do have a slight disagreement with this statement though:



> Donât trash the other woman. Chances are your kids will hate her because they see her as the reason for the divorce. Also, they canât stand to think of their parents having sex. When they ask, just say sometimes people grow apart, and, it takes two to make a marriage.


I most definitely would not keep the secrets for two adulterers. You can keep it matter of fact, but if you divorced so that he could be with the other woman than there is no reason to state otherwise. You can be honest without slinging ----.


----------



## Echoesechos (Jan 22, 2010)

I firmly believe each person has to own their own actions and decisions. Just tell them you love them but they need to talk to their father. If this was a surprise to you state it. Don't trash him or be bitter but you also can't protect them at this point and why should you? You're a victim in this also. It will be a great lesson for them on how to and not to treat a loved one. 

Listen and love. No sides. I'm sorry for what you went through though.


----------



## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

At this point, your daughters know what caused the problem and there is no real need to dwell on it. They're old enough to figure that out on their own. 

I have never discouraged my kids from spending time with their step father (who is the only parental figure they know) and the most important thing I wanted them to understand was that it is completely natural for them to feel a broad range of emotions but I did not want them picking sides and if they loved and respected him before we separated, they should continue to love him and find some level of respect.


----------



## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

my kids 20 years later are still having a problem with my divorce .


----------



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

I'm sorry Forcast, that is what I am trying to avoid by this discussion.


----------



## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

I'm with MANY of the others. Don't bad-mouth, or go into detail. Your kids are adults and likely know a whole lot more than you think, anyway. Be classy, allow them to love their father, and to love and respect you...

Mon


----------



## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

Jade1096 said:


> Itâs really none of the childrenâs business about the _cause _of the divorce or the underlying reasons for the divorce. I donât think the other woman will be a secret. Once you start down that road itâs hard to stop. If your ex wants to talk about leaving you for another woman, thatâs his business. Realistically, there was a problem before there was another woman. He wasn't willing to improve his marriage with you, so just let it go. Adulterer or not, he is still their father.


----------



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

roadless said:


> I could use some tips on how to be helpful to my adult children deal with the huge change in our family dynamics.


I have a 25, 24 and 22 yo. (17,19.20 when everything blew up)
Adultery / Divorce / losing their home, having to 'split' time, one parent acting like they are 22 and wants to be 'buddies' one parent coming out of an emotional and mental hot mess; 
They had their stability torn out from under them.
It takes time to recover from that......

Maslows theory (see attached) explains a lot.

Each child is their own person, uniquely and wonderfully made, and wired with one of a kind wiring. 
A lot of how to handle things will be determined by how much were they present for the situation?

You are allowed to be sad. Make no apologies for being sad.
You are allowed to feel lost. Make no apologies for feeling lost.
If you are having a rough day, you have been triggered, an anniversary is coming and you can 'feel' the anxiety/sadness building: Many no apology.

You work on you. However it works for you.
You didn't choose this. You are doing the best you can given the circumstances. Make no apology.



> (Many of you know that I was blindsided by the abrupt ending of my seemly good 30 year marriage. My ex. married the other woman.)
> 
> This whole process has been very tricky for my daughters, I do not want to add to their pain.
> For those who have been through this, what could your parents do or not do to help you with the changes?


What is 'tricky' about it?


----------



## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

This may sound stupid but how much income you have and how much your x has has something to do with how your kids feel. The parent that is always handing out the dollars to the kids seem to be the kids favorite. My kid choose the parent with the money. It was not me. I didnt cause the divorce. I never talked bad about their dad. But for some reason Im the bad guy. Guess I always will be. This all came back up this past week. Told all the kids for the last time what happened and I will not speak or argue about the divorce again. Its a long time ago, get over it or go get therapy.


----------



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Forcast said:


> This may sound stupid but how much income you have and how much your x has has something to do with how your kids feel. The parent that is always handing out the dollars to the kids seem to be the kids favorite. My kid choose the parent with the money. It was not me. I didnt cause the divorce. I never talked bad about their dad. But for some reason Im the bad guy. Guess I always will be. This all came back up this past week. Told all the kids for the last time what happened and I will not speak or argue about the divorce again. Its a long time ago, get over it or go get therapy.


It does not sound stupid, not at all.

All 3 kids saw what happened, who caused it, and who is a tool.
All 3 know he makes 5 times the amount I do.
2 knew he would try to 'buy them'.
1 choose not to speak to him at all.
1 chooses to speak, but it's "hows the weather, how was the game, what's the price of gas" (same relationship ex had w/ his dad, who did the same thing).

1 child chose the ex because there was no rules, he footed the bills (read bought her) and was her 'buddy' and partied w/ her and her friends.

2 children have their heads on straight. Making good life decisions.
1 child is repeating the patterns of her father, grandfather, and great grandfather; and worse.

It breaks the hearts of the 2 kids on the right path.
They were all 3 raised to stick together, family is everything, etc.
To see her act just like her dad, is devestating.

All 3 know and SAW what happened.
All 3 know truth.
Only the 1 (who spent the most time w/ the ex as a child) is lost.

I am honest. If they asked a question, I was honest. 
They didn't have to ask a lot, as they were there and saw what he did......

It's hard on them because what they thought was real, was a lie...and that messes w/ a humans mind. 
Their parents are who they are.
I have not changed, I'm still the mom that raised them.
Their father, has revealed who he really is (and always was) and while he's flying his freak flag w/ pride, it hurts them to know that he was pretending to be someone else all their lives.......

I have suggested they talk to someone if the ability to deal with what has been dropped in their lap is too much.


----------



## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

All four of my kids love their Mom and Dad and we all get along for the common good of raising kids and Grandkids. There's gonna be marriages, graduations, babies, baptisms, birthdays, etc... where everybody will be sharing space and getting along and forgiving the past is best for all.

I'm not perfect and have accepted that part of my past was my fault, so I try to be a better person everyday.


----------



## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

oneraddad said:


> .....
> 
> I'm not perfect and....


You just build perfect showers. Go with that!

Mon


----------



## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

Maura said:


> If the children had a good relationship with each parent before the divorce, they will afterwards.


That's pretty much it. If the parents were good parents (separately or individually) before the divorce, the kids should be able to have normal relationships with each after the divorce. 

Just because a parent is a bad spouse does not make him/her a bad parent. Cheating on your spouse doesn't have anything to do with the kids. Some may say, "But he split up the family!" Ok, well what would have happened if he had asked for a divorce before cheating? It still would have split up the family. The end result would be the same.

As an adult child of divorce (parents got divorced when I was 22-23 and in my last semester of college), I can say you can love your parents and not agree with their actions. 

Do not badmouth your ex, EVER, because that won't help anything. Your kids are not your therapist, so keep that in mind. They're your children, even if they're adults, and they should never be put in the middle. 

Don't worry yourself to death, everyone has to cope and get used to the new normal. Don't feel like their lives are ruined. Everyone will be ok once they work through it.


----------



## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

"Do not badmouth your ex, EVER, because that won't help anything. Your kids are not your therapist, so keep that in mind. They're your children, even if they're adults, and they should never be put in the middle. "

That should be repeated over and over and over. I was in the middle of my parents divorce and having to take a side is the worst thing that could be done to a your children. Your scars should not be inflicted on your children ever.


----------



## molonlabe (Dec 28, 2015)

That's ridiculous when people use their children as therapists. 

My parents were divorced when I was young. My mother would talk bad about my father around the house, now that I am older and looking back, everything is fine, but definitely think she could have approached it a little better.


----------



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

I guess we who have experienced traumatic divorces, should reach out to those who are in the beginning stages of a divorce and help them not repeat our mistakes.

Explain to them that what they are feeling is perfectly normal, but that they need an adult outlet (read paid professional) NOT friends, family or children.

It's SO easy to stand on the outside and look in and say "wow that's dumb, don't do that" until you find yourself in that EXACT situation; then you're like; ok, it may not be right, but at least I understand WHY.....

When my ex and I were in our first year or two of being together, I remember the conversation we had about his mom. He said "she was never the same, she was NOT the mom that used to bake him cookies and make his bed" after his dad revealed he was having an affair with a family friend (10 years younger) and he was divorcing his mom (no job, no job skills, no money, etc. She was a stay at home mom).

She immediately 'hooked up' with one of the soon to be ex's best friends.
Moved in with him, etc.
He's a bad dude.

At any rate.......both my ex and his brother had been away from home for over a year and she had someone new; so there were just underhanded digs; not out and out bad mouthing. But her bitterness, meanness, etc. showed how broken her heart was.

I never understood until her son did the exact same thing to me......

So it's easy to stand on the outside and point fingers and pass judgement.
Consider yourself blessed if you never find yourself in the situation that creates finger pointing.


----------



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

As what Mayo Angelo said, "When we know better ,we do better"

That is why I started this thread.


----------



## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> I guess we who have experienced traumatic divorces, should reach out to those who are in the beginning stages of a divorce and help them not repeat our mistakes.
> 
> Explain to them that what they are feeling is perfectly normal, but that they need an adult outlet (read paid professional) NOT friends, family or children.
> 
> ...


How would you know what someone has lived and experienced? I get you are still in the middle of the hurt but lashing out at those who have already been there done that and came out the other side helps no one, not even yourself.


----------



## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> Explain to them that what they are feeling is perfectly normal, but that they need an adult outlet (read paid professional) NOT friends, family or children.
> 
> *It's SO easy to stand on the outside and look in and say "wow that's dumb, don't do that" until you find yourself in that EXACT situation*; then you're like; ok, it may not be right, but at least I understand WHY.....


Can't you also see that until you're a child of divorced parents that you may not understand what the kids are going through? You may understand now what it is like to go through a nasty divorce, but do you have knowledge of what it's like to be a child (adult or minor) having to live through it? 

I don't think anyone here is finger pointing, just answering the question that was asked.


----------



## tamarackreg (Mar 13, 2006)

I knew better, did better, and still they went to their mothers ways.

I am afraid it will take a long time for them to dig out of the hole she has led them into.


----------



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

painterswife said:


> How would you know what someone has lived and experienced? I get you are still in the middle of the hurt but lashing out at those who have already been there done that and came out the other side helps no one, not even yourself.


Slow down, and re read what I wrote.
Ok, I will help.



> It's SO easy to stand on the outside and look in and say "wow that's dumb, don't do that" until you find yourself in that EXACT situation; then you're like; ok, it may not be right, but at least I understand WHY.....
> So, once I was on the outside looking in; my MIL's situation.
> "found myself in that exact situation" helped me to say "ok, it wasn't right, but I understand why she did what she did"
> 
> ...


I KNOW what someone has 'lived and experienced" because I saw the outcome; I was her DIL for 25 years.
Her son, told me many many things, that 20 years ago "didn't make sense" (you know the old "put your big girl panties on / get over it / that's the past let it go.....nonsense people who have not had that experience, say).

I am 'lashing out' at no one.
Just sharing MY experience of what it's like to be 'on the outside pointing fingers" and then being on the receiving end and saying "wow.....it may not have been right, but I sure understand where she was coming from".

MDKatie, you don't know me, but I can assure you this; I don't post in the Goat forum, because I have ZERO knowledge and experience w/ goats. I don't post on topics that I have NO experience or knowledge, first hand.

Coming at me with nastiness and negativity does not help the thread, at all.

Roadless you bring up such good topics.


----------



## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> *Slow down, and re read what I wrote.
> Ok, I will help.*




The rest I will not bother to read.


----------



## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

Around this area the adult children of divorce often handle it better than the divorced parents.

Two adult children in their 30s have confined in me that their divorced after 40 years of marriage parents act more childish than ten year olds as far as continuing the post divorce toxicity when they have the grandkids over despite claiming their divorce was amiable and both remarried within two years of their divorce. 

Sadly the grandparents actual toxicity is intense enough, neither of their children now allow the grandkids to sleep over with either grandparents because their kids complained that grandmaw or grandpaw spent all the time badmouthing the other when they slept over.

Both grandparents now have to be satisfied with short visits at their children's homes or visits by their grandkids accompanied by the adult children so the adults can tell the oldsters to hold back on the venom around the grandkids. :shrug:


----------



## MDKatie (Dec 13, 2010)

Laura Zone 5 said:


> MDKatie, you don't know me, but I can assure you this; I don't post in the Goat forum, because I have ZERO knowledge and experience w/ goats. I don't post on topics that I have NO experience or knowledge, first hand.
> 
> Coming at me with nastiness and negativity does not help the thread, at all.


I did not come at you with nastiness and negativity. In fact, that was in your response. You originally responded to this thread from the perspective of the wife/mother and talking of your children. Then you got defensive and stated that it's easy to stand on the outside and point fingers when you haven't been in that position. My response to you was that this thread was asking the CHILDREN about their experiences. I would have thought if you had firsthand knowledge of what it's like to be the child of divorced parents, you would have been talking about your parents' divorce and not your own. 

I inferred that your "unless you've been through it you don't know" post was in response to my opinion (and others' opinions) that you shouldn't badmouth the other parent to your children (collective you, not you personally). That was why I made the reply saying unless your parents have been divorced, you may not understand what it's like.


----------



## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Great post MDKatie.

I don't know how it feels to be divorced. I know very well how it feels to be the child of divorced parents. I even had parents that tried pretty hard to be friends for our sakes. Even then their emotional turmoil and feeling for each other and the situation devastated us. It left scars that I still feel now in my 50's. My gut still clenches when I think of the situation back then.

I have had a few friends divorce with children. I have always made a point to be there for them in every way I could because I knew the horrible pain that fighting parents inflict even when they think they are keeping it hidden.


----------



## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

Knock it off! Start a new thread you two.

This is about Roadless.


----------



## wr (Aug 10, 2003)

I actually think kids are pretty perceptive and notice subtle changes in their parents long before we think they do. 

The big thing to remember, regardless of age, is that they aren't trophies. 

Talk to them about their feelings, be honest when you're having a difficult day, listen to them when they're having a tough day, let them talk. 

It's best to let them sort out a relationship with their father and don't be horribly surprised if they don't discuss those meetings with you. They're simply trying to avoid hurting your feelings.


----------



## Raeven (Oct 11, 2011)

Well, I'm an adult child of divorced parents and I could give you a list a mile long of things not to do based on how poorly they handled theirs. Suffice it to say I ended up in foster care and was grateful. 

Instead, I will share what one of the judges I occasionally worked with would tell people in her courtroom when she did Domestic Court calendars. It basically mirrors what others have said, but she spoke with a voice of vast experience -- and I can tell you, what she cautioned was borne out in her continued contact with the children of those same divorcing couples when she worked in Juvenile Court.

Here's what she would say: "You can fight about your house, your other personal property, about the issues between you. *But do not fight over your kids*. Not ever. If you put them in the middle, ask them to take sides, badmouth the other parent or fight over custody or visitation schedules, they will do two things.

"First, they will learn to pit you off against each other, weakening both of you in your roles as a parent.

"Second, they will remember. *Eventually, kids always figure it out.* They will figure out who is the good guy and who is the bad guy. They do not need your help to do this. And whichever parent -- or both parents, if it sadly applies -- engaged in the badmouthing or other poor behavior will pay an enormous price with those children for the rest of their lives.

"Learn to agree for your children's sake how to present a united front as co-parents. Do not undermine each other in any way. I promise you, if you can do this, your children will accept your divorce much more readily and have a healthy relationship with you both."

I would add to the above that I know this can be harder than anything else you will ever do. But if you can, the rewards will be immense. 

I have one close friend (he named his daughter after me) who went through a terrible divorce and at the time their separation began, I gave him the above advice. His ex-wife pulled some really, really ugly tricks to coax my friend into her state of residence to pick up the child, whereupon she served him with papers seeking sole custody based on false accusations of domestic violence and abuse of her and their child. It was preposterous, but the court is always required to protect children first and then determine the veracity of the claims alleged as the case wends its way through the system. It cost my friend tens of thousands of dollars to fight his ex's horrible lies. 

In the end, he was granted sole custody and brought his daughter home to raise her. Through it all, he never once badmouthed his ex to his daughter. The girl is now an adult, and she worships her father. She also knows exactly what her mother did and will never forgive her for it.

I think that's a pretty typical outcome. Hang in there, *roadless*. You won't regret taking the high road.


----------



## WolfWalksSoftly (Aug 13, 2004)

"Always Take The High Road" exactly right..always.


----------



## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

Just be a happy positive Mom that's supportive. Give them unconditional love and try to make them proud. That's about all you can do.


----------



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

I do try raddad.


----------



## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

Roadless, that you asked in the first place is a huge step. That you keep reading is also huge. You have half the problem beat.

I would suggest you talk to your offspring and let them know that you want to make it easy for them to talk to you about this. They might not feel totally comfortable now but they will appreciate that you are trying to help them through it and will share when they are. If they understand that you will work at being there for them emotionally even while you are hurting it will make it easier for them. I think the hardest thing for me was having honest conversations about the other parent and not getting instant judgment from the parent you are talking to. Instead of working through things I held it in and bottled it up.

It needs to be about their feelings and not about yours. You need your own sounding board to work through your feelings.I know not easy but its what a parent needs to do.


----------



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

"It needs to be about their feelings and not about yours. You need your own sounding board to work through your feelings.I know not easy but its what a parent needs to do."



In the beginning ....of the end of my former life, I was so traumatized and unable to recognize this in any workable way to even be available to my daughters. ....they were quite used to coming to me with their life challenges , and this was huge for them. 

They had never seen me so broken and vulnerable. They were shocked at the decisions their father made. I know it rocked their world too.
Their family, including the family home is dramatically different.
I don't want to do anything to add to their pain.

Thank you all for your input.


----------



## Laura Zone 5 (Jan 13, 2010)

Sent you a PM


----------



## oneraddad (Jul 20, 2010)

Everyday you're a success it gives your kids less to worry about.

Hows that smoking going ?


----------



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Um.....smoking very well.....


----------



## WolfWalksSoftly (Aug 13, 2004)

I hope you're smoking a Pork Butt with Hickory.:bouncy:


----------



## roadless (Sep 9, 2006)

Lol...love hickory. .


----------

