# End game plan



## TnAndy

OK....many of the folks here have just retired ( like wife and I ), or been that way a few years. Your health is still good, you're active, and will probably be that way for another 10-15-20 years.

But as you get into your late 70's, mid 80's.....what's your plan ?

We have a homestead, raise much of our own food, and have a lot of maintenance to keeping it up. We could quit raising critters, and that would take a lot off us.....but I figure we'll garden until we die. And I have to cut 5 cords of wood a year. Could put in propane furnace, but dang, I'd miss my wood stove......

We built the house 30 years ago to grow old in....everything we really need (kit/living/masterbdrm) is on one level with no stairs. I'm planing to remodel the master bath in the next year or so, adding a no step shower, and maybe some grab bars for it and toilet area.

But what about even farther down the road when we do get to the point of needing some assistance with things like housework/cooking, and maybe even some light medical care ?

We don't ever want to go to a "home"......either assisted living or nursing.....my wife does some entertainment work for places like that now, and they are mostly REALLY sad parking places for old folks....ain't going.

What's YOUR plan for dealing with the eventual ?


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## Tarheel

Being just a few years behind you TnAndy (been semi-retired 7 years now) I have given this a lot of thought. When we built our homestead 7 years ago we tried our best to build everything in place that would get us through the golden years. Cabinet isles a little larger for access for wheel chairs, door ways and entrances extra wide with ability to have no steps at entrances. Went ahead and built our bathrooms handicap accessible for the later years with a circulating tub and walk in shower.

This still don't answer the question about (like you) all the farm things that have to be done. Orchards to take care of, pond to mow around, gardens, firewood, fence lines etc. Some of these things can be let go but some cannot and then on top of that we may need inside help depending on our abilities or disabilities. Being financially secure no matter how secure you are won't last long if you end up in one of those homes.

Our situation being a little different is we have one son that is just a good kid (31) man, but........could care less about the farm life. He has a very good job as an IT director and has his own life to live and raise a family. I would not ever expect(nor do I want him to) him to have to look after us in our later years.

So now to your question.......At times I have played with the idea of building another home (cabin) here on the farm. I would build it on the backside of the property away from everything else. I could then look for someone that was needing work or someone that wanted to share some duties for exchange for a place to live. I have seen this work on several farms around here and one instance the care takers of the farmers inherited the house and some land after the farmer died.

Am still thinking too........It would just be nice to be able to do like my grandfather did. He came in from the orchard ate lunch, sit back in his recliner for a quick nap and never woke up. What a way too go! I'm really not worried about how I will survive it though, I just don't want the wife to have the burden.

I guess TnAndy I don't have a real good answer for ya yet......still working on it.


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## Micheal

Wish I had the answers you seek...... but I don't.

Something in reading and re-reading your post strikes me - you seem to come across that you both will "age" together - healthwise and mentally. I have my doubts about that; just by my and the wife's growing "old" together experience(s). Since retiring, she has become a cancer survivor. Me? Healthy within reason I guess? I still cut and split (by hand) the 6+ full cord of wood we burn; although what was once a month or so's project is now a year long process. In turn I do have some health issues that, although known, will get worse if for no other reason "aging".......

As to a long term outlook? Really don't know.... can do some planning but all isn't "golden" in those "golden years". No one thinks about the "tarnish" that happens - Guess it's the optimist in all of us believing it will be the "other guy" who will _____.
Would hate to give up all we built (like you) over the years, but reality sometimes raises it's ugly head and "bites" you. Sometimes into choices that you laughed off only a year ago...... 

Soooo, again, wish I had the answers, if only for me, let alone you.......


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## ceresone

My "eventual" is here! I kept my Husband going thru 10 years of brain cancer, He lost the battle in last March. Fine, I'm 75, had pared chores down to where I could handle, had small Cub tractor for heavier stuff. Then, within the next month, someone dumped 3 dogs on me (and dumb me, I kept them) my tractor broke the pump/shaft thingie, and Dr tells me the stress of last 10 years has damaged my heart! So-now I'm onmeds that keep me weak-tractors hopefully being repaired-and I'm planning next summers big garden. In short--you just keep rolling with the punches-and do the best you can till your times over. Like you--I never want to be "cared for". I'll never give up the farm


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## TnAndy

Tarheel said:


> So now to your question.......At times I have played with the idea of building another home (cabin) here on the farm. I would build it on the backside of the property away from everything else. I could then look for someone that was needing work or someone that wanted to share some duties for exchange for a place to live. I have seen this work on several farms around here and one instance the care takers of the farmers inherited the house and some land after the farmer died.


Been thinking along the same lines. Small cabin for a couple to help us with chores, and maybe in house help if needed in lieu of actual rent. And maybe, if I found the right couple, consider leaving them the farm. I'd just as soon it go to somebody that appreciated it as some distant relatives that would fire sale it for the cash. 

Why don't you do it first, and let me know how it works out ?

:grin:






Tarheel said:


> Am still thinking too........It would just be nice to be able to do like my grandfather did. He came in from the orchard ate lunch, sit back in his recliner for a quick nap and never woke up. What a way too go! I'm really not worried about how I will survive it though, I just don't want the wife to have the burden.


Given a choice, grandpa's way would be mine as well. But you know what the odds are.......I don't ever want to be a burden to my wife either. I'll always keep one bullet in a pistol she knows nothing about.


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## TnAndy

Micheal said:


> Wish I had the answers you seek...... but I don't.
> 
> Something in reading and re-reading your post strikes me - you seem to come across that you both will "age" together - healthwise and mentally. I have my doubts about that; just by my and the wife's growing "old" together experience(s).


No, Micheal, I don't assume that. I had a triple bypass July 2011, doing fine now, but that was enough to make me realize you can 'step in a hole' about any time, healthwize. That is my greatest fear, that I would become disabled to the point I'd be a burden on my wife ( and I think she feels the same about being one to me ).

I assume the odds are we are NOT gonna get run over by a bus healthy, sane and holding hands after walking out of our 75th wedding anniversary dinner. :grin:


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## TnAndy

ceresone said:


> My "eventual" is here! I kept my Husband going thru 10 years of brain cancer, He lost the battle in last March. Fine, I'm 75, had pared chores down to where I could handle, had small Cub tractor for heavier stuff. Then, within the next month, someone dumped 3 dogs on me (and dumb me, I kept them) my tractor broke the pump/shaft thingie, and Dr tells me the stress of last 10 years has damaged my heart! So-now I'm onmeds that keep me weak-tractors hopefully being repaired-and I'm planning next summers big garden. In short--you just keep rolling with the punches-and do the best you can till your times over. Like you--I never want to be "cared for". I'll never give up the farm


Ceresone:

My condolences on your loss, and congratulations on your pluck. 

You're exactly where my wife figures she will be....I die off, leaving her with this "creation" as she calls it....."what happens when the solar power system needs repair" ( just turn it off and use the grid )....what happens if the water line breaks ?.......( call our neighbor, the water and sewer guy )....what about oil changes in the car ?......( take it to the Jiffy Lube ).....what about firewood ?......(call somebody out of the paper that sells it, and have them back up to the basement door, and fill it up)

We've agreed that things would go downhill some, but as I told her.....if it gets the point the place is a burden, sell it off.....buy a condo with plenty of green space.

Then she says "What if I go first ?"

Hey....that's easy. I'll sell this place off, buy a motor home, hire a young gal to drive it, and go to Alaska to gold mine ....OR buy a big sailboat and cruise the Gulf for the rest of my days.....it's a coin toss.... :grin:


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## jwal10

We had a backup plan in place. This small cottage. As small as possible and built for ease of use and upkeep. We have a small wood heater but right now we use the electric heat most of the time. Money is easier than keeping the fire. Cold evenings we like to build one, then let it go out. We want to get back to the off grid cabin but for now this is home. You will do what needs to be done when the time comes, OR it will be done for you. We don't know what will come. Unless you take your own life, you may not get your way. I keep my mind open about the end, I don't want to be a burden. I will be OK with a care home if it comes. My Mom was tired, took a nap and didn't wake up, massive stroke, 3 days until her reward. She was 83 and independent to the end. Dad just faded at 95, was in the hospital 3 days, died of old age....It will happen no matter....James


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## Tarheel

TnAndy said:


> Been thinking along the same lines. Small cabin for a couple to help us with chores, and maybe in house help if needed in lieu of actual rent. And maybe, if I found the right couple, consider leaving them the farm. I'd just as soon it go to somebody that appreciated it as some distant relatives that would fire sale it for the cash.
> 
> *Why don't you do it first, and let me know how it works out ?*
> 
> :grin:


We just celebrated our 37th wedding anniversary this past Friday. Some friends on another forum ask me what we were going to do for our 40th. I told them we were going to hire a band and have a blow out here at the farm. BBQ, music and just a good old time.

Why don't you and the Mrs. plan to come and we will discuss our 30 year plans.


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## TnAndy

You're on ! Our 41st is coming up in April.


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## Big Dave

Had the by pass, Had the 61 birthday and no one will let me work for them. So I plant a garden Watch westerns, football games and think hope I make another year. Thought of robbing a bank if I became a burden, but I am not sure they would let me work outside. So now I am teaching myself to play the guitar. Bust some fire wood with the gas powered splitter. Dream of a last good ride on my motorcycle and waiting to see if any friends drop by. The friends are gettting fewer. The logs need to be cut by someone else before splitting. My motorcycle is calling, ride me to Washington state, North carolina, Grand Canyon or Mount Rushmore. Maybe if I rob the bank I will have the money to do these things???


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## goatlady

Facing the challenge pretty much now myself. As others have postulated, I am working on an exchange - move here, give me a hand when needed, and get the whole kit and kaboodle when I die. Have tried out several "candidates" in the last several years, and still looking for a really good "fit." Outlying stuff is already getting away from me, but I cannot let it stress me. I keep on doing what I can and managing okay for now. No longer have goats to my sadness, but I just could not adequately care for them anymore. Down to just chickens and the dogs and garden. Still buring wood, and really need to focus on getting that stash built back up this year.


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## TnAndy

Sorry to hear the goat are gone. That fellow from NJ not work out ?


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## newfieannie

the best laid plans of mice and men! this is what my love and i thought also . we would grow old together. he passed 3 months before retirement. i'm still healthy as a horse! i dont even want to think about assisted living. could happen though. i'd rather do as my GGF did and walk into the country and never heard from again. 

i still have my land in the country . my mobile has had it though and my plan is to get a small house built. just one level. i'm glad i held on to it as he wanted me to do. this way i dont have to buy the land. i got a fair bit of work to do to get it back into shape and i've already begun to tear down the greenhouse. but it is excellent growing soil. and the raised beds are still in place. i garden some there every summer. i plan to have a few chickens again and a couple of pigs when i can stay full time. i'll keep this house in the city for awhile as i dont have to sell it to build another and i do have many friends still here. i like the idea of the best of both worlds for awhile anyway

i'd like to have a walk-in tub also as someone else mentioned so that will be in my plans for the cottage. i have a standard tub here upstairs and i have no trouble with that but there is a jet tub downstairs that is so high i need a step to get in . then it's too far to step down when i get in so i gave that up. (think how bad it would be if i had trouble). i now have it filled to the ceiling with TP. i figure might as well get some use out of it! ~Georgia.


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## goatlady

Not hardly, Andy. Two busted chain saws and a ruined tractor told me I could not afford the help! But live and learn, makes life interesting. Sorry to hear about the bypass, but I know you are feeling MUCH better now.


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## Shrek

My end plan is to die in my sleep when my time comes. Until then I will continue to enjoy each day, live below my means and manage my investments same as I did for 30 years including my first teenage business before I "retired".

We never quite working or planning for another day just because we retire. Retirement simply gives us the flexibility to work on our schedule not someone elses schedule,


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## tarbe

ceresone said:


> My "eventual" is here! I kept my Husband going thru 10 years of brain cancer, He lost the battle in last March. Fine, I'm 75, had pared chores down to where I could handle, had small Cub tractor for heavier stuff. Then, within the next month, someone dumped 3 dogs on me (and dumb me, I kept them) my tractor broke the pump/shaft thingie, and Dr tells me the stress of last 10 years has damaged my heart! So-now I'm onmeds that keep me weak-tractors hopefully being repaired-and I'm planning next summers big garden. In short--you just keep rolling with the punches-and do the best you can till your times over. Like you--I never want to be "cared for". I'll never give up the farm



What an inspiration you are!


Tim


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## greenmcdonalds

In my line of work of Nursing, its sometimes the mind goes before the body. Somebody has to make sure things are done like, paying bills, making sure they are taking the meds. even making sure they eat. Nobody wants a caregiver or nurse , but things happen. Sue


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## Tarheel

greenmcdonalds said:


> In my line of work of Nursing, its sometimes the mind goes before the body. Somebody has to make sure things are done like, paying bills, making sure they are taking the meds. even making sure they eat. Nobody wants a caregiver or nurse , but things happen. Sue


In your line of work (that you see) do you think the patient get's the care they need ?

If you were unable to care for yourself would they give you the kind of care that would be acceptable to you ?

Just a question to you, from your perspective as a health care provider.


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## ceresone

My late Hubby was a long haul truck driver, then he had brain cancer for 10 years, so out of Necessity, I learned to handle most of the farm on my own. It CAN be done. BTW-We were together 48 years--and this was after a 16 year marriage to the wrong man.


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## greenmcdonalds

Tarheel- We do give the care most people need, some of my pts. however need alot more than our caregivers can give coming to their house. Sometimes the house they live in are not safe, lots of stairs that they can wander off and fall down or going outside and the familys can't find them . You have to understand these people wander all night long and day. Mostly they don't sleep anymore and the familys are burned out trying to take care of them. Caregivers do give 24 hour care at the houses, but then the skin starts to breakdown, or more medical problems like having to be on machines. Then they have to go where doctors and nurses are 24hrs. for them. I hope this helps.


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## notbutanapron

Not for a long long time *knocks wood*. We have plans to buy our property very soon. We want to live in Tasmania. Assuming we survive the fires, the floods, the snakes, the spiders and cancerous things, I would HOPE law would allow me to slowly die my way out on my property and be buried there but I'm certain by then even owning land to grow vegetables will be illegal. I plan on being a really cranky old lady that follows food politics and always votes to make everything legal because 'Back in my day, butter was made from COWS' and I'll laugh as the scrawny kids of the new generation gape in horror at me and then I'll call them hooligans and chase them down the road with my walker. If my husband is still alive at the point, I'm sure he'll be handing me snowballs with rocks in them to throw at all those heaven forsaken ratty kids these days....

You know what, I don't think I should be asked 'what if' questions.


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## MelonBar

I'm 41 so it's away off.

Really, your kids are supposed take up the slack and take care of you like your did your parents. Our culture of today is that everyone has their own room until you get old enough to move out and get your own place. Then you forget about the old folks until it's time to put them in a home. Very sad.

How about this idea. You take in a young person that is drawn to the homesteading lifestyle. I saw an ad on Craig's List from a man in his 50's with a large spread of land looking to lease some of his farm land to like minded family who wants to homestead. Seems like that would be a good way to find the right person. If they are nuts you **** them off when the lease is over. If they are the right people, you make up a contract that in return for taking care of your in your old age they will receive the farm. I'd rather give my land to someone who will appreciate it rather than one of my City kids that hate it and will sell it off for cheap the very first week after my death.


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## MelonBar

notbutanapron said:


> ...but I'm certain by then even owning land to grow vegetables will be illegal. I plan on being a really cranky old lady that follows food politics and always votes to make everything legal...


 Yes I have that feeling also. I can just see them saying how bad growing your own vegetables is for the environment and society "Earth comes first". Not to mention the animal cruelty from eating the animals you raise.


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## Michael W. Smith

I'm 45, so got a way to go, but I think about it.

10 years ago, I would have told you that the only way you could get me to leave my farm and house was to carry me out in a body bag. No nursing home for me - let me die at home.

However, in the past ten years, I've seen some things that have me thinking somewhat differently.

My Dad battled (and won) several forms of cancer - until he got both brain and lung cancer. He always said he wanted to be taken care of at home - and that was going to be the plan. I have 3 siblings, and 2 step siblings. However, as the cancer started to take it's toll, and he got weaker and weaker, he ended up in the hospital. Being in a hospital bed for a week tends to make one even weaker, so him going home was going to be a problem. Not only was his house a mess - the Step Mother died 2 years prior and housekeeping wasn't a thing my Dad did - but even the built in porch and bathroom he had added on (for when he got old) wasn't going to be big enough to work around getting somebody up and around.

We put him in a nursing home for rehab - hoping he would gain his strength back and be able to return home. But in the meantime, we found out, the nursing home was able to take care of him better than what we would have been able to at his home. 3 warm meals a day, snacks, toileting, bathing, etc. Plus, the whole family could go in and visit if they wished where as his house it would have never been able to occur. Was Dad happy? No. But he did seem to accept it.

As his 3 month stay started to conclude - and he got worse - the nursing home did everything for him. Much more efficient and much better than we would have been able to in his small bedroom at home. Not only was his death weighing on our minds, but I found it was a relief to be able to go in and visit him each night, tuck him in to bed, and leave and go home to my family. Selfish? Maybe. But between my siblings and step-siblings each had their own family, jobs, and busy life.

Then 2 1/2 years ago my Father-in-Law was getting weak and starting to fall at home. His wife couldn't pick him up, and when you start getting calls at 2:00 in the morning because he fell and couldn't get up, the 15 minute car ride to his house wasn't a happy one. My wife and I live closest, wife's sibling lives 1 1/2 hours away. Not only was FIL weak, but MIL had dementia and they weren't eating right, weren't taking care of themselves right, etc. My wife and I both work, have an 11 year old son - so we were busy with our own lives. Add to the fact that FIL was bipolar and there was no way we were going to subject our son or us to that. (Oh, I know, some of you are saying "Why the selfish brats!")
So, he was put in an assisted living facility and MIL came to live with us. (Our house is a 2nd story house with bathroom and bedrooms all upstairs, even if we would have wanted FIL there, there is no way he could have done the steps.) Was the assisted living expensive? Yep. $3000.00 a month - but then when you break it down - that's $100.00 a day. Still sounds expensive, doesn't it? But then, yo figure in 3 warm meals a day plus 24 hour care. Even getting somebody to help out 8 hours a day while we work - would you be able to find a dependable, honest person, somebody you trusted to work those 8 hours for $12.50 per hour? ($12.50 X 8 = $100.00. That assisted living isn't looking so expensive now, is it? Ageing continued on, and he finally ended up in regular nursing home care for 6 months before he died.

We still have MIL with us. As long as she is able to do the steps and do basic living, she will stay with us. But, if she is unable to go up and down the steps and her memory slips even more that she can't stay by herself for small periods of time, she will have to go to assisted living too.

So, what is all this rambling about, and what "thinking changes" have I encountered in the last 10 years? First of all, I now wonder if I want to subject my wife and possibly my son to taking care of me towards the end. Getting old is one thing. Ending up having to feed somebody, having to toilet and bathe somebody - being "on call" 24 hours a day for that person - and it does wear a person down - is a whole 'nother thing! 

I understand the "but your parents took care of you, it's only right that you take care of them" opinion, and I do understand it, but if your parent is unable to do daily functions, and your house isn't set up for that sort of thing - and, well, do you REALLY want to burden your family with it? Like I said, it was nice to go into the nursing home, talk to Dad, get him ready for bed and leave. No worries, no concerns that he wasn't being taken care of and a failing parents is worries enough without having to actually take care of them.

I love my wife, and I love my son. In fact, I think I love them so much that I would rather go into a nursing home so they aren't burdened.

As for the "building a small cabin" and having a likeminded couple come take care of things when I am unable to and give them the property once I'm dead" - . . . . . . . . . . . . . . well, you might find yourself dead alot quicker!


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## shellsandwater

Hello, I am new to this site & am enjoying all the shared information. Pertaining to the end game plan, I have recently set myself up in a duplex. I have a nice big yard and am able to garden year round. As for the duplex it serves several purposes. Right now it brings in income , in the future when I need help, am hoping to find a caregiver to live on one side for free in exchange for assisting me. My other back up plan... I loaned my daughter & her husband money to make a very small apartment in one of their out buildings. They are currently renting it but I know it is there for me if full time care is needed. Of course this means I must move across country but so be it. And one never knows where their life may lead them, maybe they won't be living there... So many maybe in our lives. Guess we can plan & plan & come to find out it was a waste of time... That's life !!


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## fordy

Big Dave said:


> Had the by pass, Had the 61 birthday and no one will let me work for them. So I plant a garden Watch westerns, football games and think hope I make another year. Thought of robbing a bank if I became a burden, but I am not sure they would let me work outside. So now I am teaching myself to play the guitar. Bust some fire wood with the gas powered splitter. Dream of a last good ride on my motorcycle and waiting to see if any friends drop by. The friends are gettting fewer. The logs need to be cut by someone else before splitting. My motorcycle is calling, ride me to Washington state, North carolina, Grand Canyon or Mount Rushmore. Maybe if I rob the bank I will have the money to do these things???


 
..............I thought about applying at Hooters in the Quality Control and Body mass measurements dept. , You know where you get to check the 'Girls' for excess fat deposition and then put them on an exercise program to get'um back into , shape ! LOL I even offered to provide 'free' rub downs . Alass , they didn't take me up on my offer . , fordy


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## emdeengee

I intend to pick my own time for death - if given the chance - and I have already prepared for this. I would like to go as far as possible but you can not dictate death. It can just sneak up on you. I intend to live life on my terms (and not in some institution whether it be a hospital, hostel or old age home) but when the time seems right I will take care of all my family and animals and then just go. Until then I will do what I can and what I want and will hire help if needed.

Assisted suicide was a huge court battle here last year. My friend of 21 years was the chief plaintiff in the supreme court case. She had ALS and she won the right to die with dignity. Although the case is under government appeal the SC granted HER the right to an assisted suicide. She died suddenly before this could be implemented but she did not have to face what she most feared so the end was a good one.


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## grandma12703

Michael W. Smith said:


> I'm 45, so got a way to go, but I think about it.
> 
> 10 years ago, I would have told you that the only way you could get me to leave my farm and house was to carry me out in a body bag. No nursing home for me - let me die at home.
> 
> However, in the past ten years, I've seen some things that have me thinking somewhat differently.
> 
> My Dad battled (and won) several forms of cancer - until he got both brain and lung cancer. He always said he wanted to be taken care of at home - and that was going to be the plan. I have 3 siblings, and 2 step siblings. However, as the cancer started to take it's toll, and he got weaker and weaker, he ended up in the hospital. Being in a hospital bed for a week tends to make one even weaker, so him going home was going to be a problem. Not only was his house a mess - the Step Mother died 2 years prior and housekeeping wasn't a thing my Dad did - but even the built in porch and bathroom he had added on (for when he got old) wasn't going to be big enough to work around getting somebody up and around.
> 
> We put him in a nursing home for rehab - hoping he would gain his strength back and be able to return home. But in the meantime, we found out, the nursing home was able to take care of him better than what we would have been able to at his home. 3 warm meals a day, snacks, toileting, bathing, etc. Plus, the whole family could go in and visit if they wished where as his house it would have never been able to occur. Was Dad happy? No. But he did seem to accept it.
> 
> As his 3 month stay started to conclude - and he got worse - the nursing home did everything for him. Much more efficient and much better than we would have been able to in his small bedroom at home. Not only was his death weighing on our minds, but I found it was a relief to be able to go in and visit him each night, tuck him in to bed, and leave and go home to my family. Selfish? Maybe. But between my siblings and step-siblings each had their own family, jobs, and busy life.
> 
> Then 2 1/2 years ago my Father-in-Law was getting weak and starting to fall at home. His wife couldn't pick him up, and when you start getting calls at 2:00 in the morning because he fell and couldn't get up, the 15 minute car ride to his house wasn't a happy one. My wife and I live closest, wife's sibling lives 1 1/2 hours away. Not only was FIL weak, but MIL had dementia and they weren't eating right, weren't taking care of themselves right, etc. My wife and I both work, have an 11 year old son - so we were busy with our own lives. Add to the fact that FIL was bipolar and there was no way we were going to subject our son or us to that. (Oh, I know, some of you are saying "Why the selfish brats!")
> So, he was put in an assisted living facility and MIL came to live with us. (Our house is a 2nd story house with bathroom and bedrooms all upstairs, even if we would have wanted FIL there, there is no way he could have done the steps.) Was the assisted living expensive? Yep. $3000.00 a month - but then when you break it down - that's $100.00 a day. Still sounds expensive, doesn't it? But then, yo figure in 3 warm meals a day plus 24 hour care. Even getting somebody to help out 8 hours a day while we work - would you be able to find a dependable, honest person, somebody you trusted to work those 8 hours for $12.50 per hour? ($12.50 X 8 = $100.00. That assisted living isn't looking so expensive now, is it? Ageing continued on, and he finally ended up in regular nursing home care for 6 months before he died.
> 
> We still have MIL with us. As long as she is able to do the steps and do basic living, she will stay with us. But, if she is unable to go up and down the steps and her memory slips even more that she can't stay by herself for small periods of time, she will have to go to assisted living too.
> 
> So, what is all this rambling about, and what "thinking changes" have I encountered in the last 10 years? First of all, I now wonder if I want to subject my wife and possibly my son to taking care of me towards the end. Getting old is one thing. Ending up having to feed somebody, having to toilet and bathe somebody - being "on call" 24 hours a day for that person - and it does wear a person down - is a whole 'nother thing!
> 
> I understand the "but your parents took care of you, it's only right that you take care of them" opinion, and I do understand it, but if your parent is unable to do daily functions, and your house isn't set up for that sort of thing - and, well, do you REALLY want to burden your family with it? Like I said, it was nice to go into the nursing home, talk to Dad, get him ready for bed and leave. No worries, no concerns that he wasn't being taken care of and a failing parents is worries enough without having to actually take care of them.
> 
> I love my wife, and I love my son. In fact, I think I love them so much that I would rather go into a nursing home so they aren't burdened.
> 
> As for the "building a small cabin" and having a likeminded couple come take care of things when I am unable to and give them the property once I'm dead" - . . . . . . . . . . . . . . well, you might find yourself dead alot quicker!


After the things you wrote on my rant I had to giggle a little on the last sentence.


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## newcolorado

Well I am at that stage and gave up the farm. I have a rented house next door to son. How long I will be up and going is anyones guess. 81 now. Been here a year. Still really do not like it here. They put steps at front of house and back . If get bad will need a ramp on hand rail. 

House has a step in shower. The other bath has a tub so use the shower one, the main one. Door knobs may have to change knobs least on the back on. So far on my feet and up and going. Dr says keep up walking a mile a day. I have some health problems or would not be here . So on lot in a small town. I think all the doorways are wide enough if I would need a wheel chair. 

My sister end up her last years in a nursing home. She had taken care of mom and then her husband, Few mon ths after he died she went to hospital and never gop to go home again. I was younger and could drive she was planning we would take her car (she did not drive) and do some vactions. We never got to that. You never know what it will be. Sister died at 72, brother at 63 and my other sister at 56. I was a widow before I was 40. I worked till 72. I have 3 kids and son here was only one willing to help me. Daughter has ill husband and and oldest son an ill wife.


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## countrytime

Tarheel said:


> In your line of work (that you see) do you think the patient get's the care they need ?
> 
> If you were unable to care for yourself would they give you the kind of care that would be acceptable to you ?
> 
> Just a question to you, from your perspective as a health care provider.


After more than 30 years in Nursing-both in nursing homes and the last 26 at our local hospital the answers are NO. No matter what, I have assured my 82 year old mom that she will NEVER end up being cared for by a stranger. That is my greatest gift to her for all she has done for me. And I will make sure of that as long as I'm not hit by a bus 
The things that go on when no one is looking is appalling at best. Of course the hospital always gives better care than any nursing home I have ever been in. There is no way to take proper loving care of patients with the help that is provided, unfortunately times have changed, and so has the care. 
To all who are thinking gun---please don't do that...it is a very distressing sight to find...there are much more "pleasant" ways to go to sleep.


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## parthy

My 2 boys and I have discussed this at length. I am leaving my place feet first and they support me. I won't be stubborn and refuse help and my place is designed for this. In the event of something terrible occuring, I will go walkabout. On my terms in my way.


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## Elizabeth

I hope that when I get too old to care for myself, I will at least still have the presence of mind and enough strength left to haul myself out to the back of the farm, lie down, and go to sleep forever. Probably won't happen that way, but it's a nice thought.

I have few regrets in life, but this is a big one- when I was younger I worked in the entertainment industry. I spent most of my time working away from home. I dreamed of the day that I would quit the road and live on my own farm. While working on the road, I always kept a home somewhere, thinking that I was doing the smart thing financially by investing my $$$. Had I been really smart (and having the internet would have helped with this, but the 'net was in it's infancy then), I would have found a person, or a couple, who were in the situation that many on this forum are in now. I could have saved the $$$ I spent on my housing, and lived in with someone else who already had a farm.
It would have been a great opportunity for me to learn from someone who was experienced in farm/homestead living, and as I was young and strong back then, I could have pitched in and helped with both caring for the person/couple, and with the work on the place. Sadly, it is too late for me to do anything like that as I am now married and have a 2yo toddler to raise.

One thing I don't regret is that hubby and I retired in our mid-40's specifically so that we could enjoy our lives here on our own farm while we are still young enough and healthy enough to do so.

Oh, another scenario which hubby and I have discussed is to simply open the doors and windows one cold winter night and sleep forever- we live in Minnesota, lol. That is our backup in case one or both of us is not mobile.


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## Debbie in Wa

I goofed, wrong thread


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## motdaugrnds

Well, this thread has certainly been an interesting read. I'm not sure I fit! I am 72 yrs old, tended a chronically ill mother for over 18 yrs and have a semi-disabled son with me. I still feel like I've always felt, i.e. doubt I'll ever actually die! Of course I might be surprised one day; but I actually believe I'll be standing when Jesus returns!

As for "planning" for "the end" this has little meaning for me as I don't see an end for myself. I'm well aware I cannot build a barn; but then I already built our barn! I'm still constructing but on a much smaller scale simply because I don't need anything large. (Oh sure, I'ld like to live in a house instead of a trailer; but my Heavenly Father saw that I got this trailer so there's noway I'm going to complain about living here.) Yes, I'm slower at moving and my joints hurt, which makes work more difficult; but even today I put up some tree limbs horizontally so as to keep my goats from rubbing up against the fencing around my fig tree.

I did create this homestead in such a way that would permit my mother to use her wheelchair to go all over it and I still have her wheelchair. Guess if I cannot walk, I can use that; but I still see myself gardening even in that. 

My mind is clear, my heart is good and my general health is good. I don't anticipate any changes; however, I'll play the devil's advocate a moment and think about what ifs....what if I fall, break bones, become bedridden. Ummm Goodness my son would just have to manage or ship me off somewhere; however, knowing how stubborn I am, I suspect I'ld find some way of getting into mother's wheelchair, taking off to the back pasture and sing songs praising my Heavenly Father until I starve to death...providing David will let me!


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## fordy

................This something I'm beinning to pontificate upon as I head for 70 , I'll turn 67 in dec . I'm considering moving into old farts rental assistance housing , selling my 5'ver and buying a used truck camper to put on my 2003 chevy dually . I'd like to move out to NM so I'd be close to the mountains and beable to go camping and stay in my truck camper ! I've always wanted to pan for gold and that activity ain't available in TX . My other thought is that I could actually live in the camper If I had too ! Might even move out to Califunny or Nevadda . , fordy


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## newfieannie

at 67 you're way too young for that. that is if you dont have any health problems. i wouldn't be caught dead there. some of the ones i pick up for their appointments are younger than me but are just waiting around for the final call.( granted they are not all like that.) panning for gold is on my bucket list also. guess i'll have to drive to alaska for that though which i was planning on doing in the not too distant future. ~Georgia.


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## Nevada

TnAndy said:


> But as you get into your late 70's, mid 80's.....what's your plan ?


My plan is to stay right here. I have a home that's mortgage-free and property tax is only $350/year. If something happens where I can't drive, I'm on a bus line that can take me to the doctor, drug store, and supermarket.

The world isn't as it used to be. I conduct most business online, including banking and even a lot of shopping. In fact Von's (Safeway) has a virtual supermarket online in Las Vegas, so I can shop online and then have it delivered. Prescription delivery is also available here, and as well as fast food delivery.

In the meantime I'm living in Las Vegas; the senior discount capital of the world. It's difficult to imagine myself relocating again.


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## SimplerTimez

I just want to say thank you to everyone who is posting here. I'm only 51, but starting all over after the death of my husband. It changed everything about the way that I think. Many of these items, one-floor housing, enlarged bathrooms, etc. have come into my mind as I plan where I will go when debt free.
The courage, consideration and wisdom displayed here are one of the main reasons I return night after night to HT.

Thank you all,

~ST


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## sidepasser

For all those that insist they are going to stay put, how much worry are you going to cause your family before they insist that you move in with them or go to a nursing home?

I am dealing with this with my mom. She is subject to falling and has broken her ankle in a fall last year. I spend hours driving back and forth each month to make sure she is still living as she refuses to answer the phone if she "doesn't feel like it". I have invited her to live with me and she doesn't want to leave her farm. I have suggested having someone stay with her and she "don't want no strangers in her house".

So I figure one of these weekends I am going to arrive and she will be lying in the yard face down dead. I have spent the last three years worrying that something is going to happen to her and for what? Because she stubbornly insists on staying where she is, even though she really isn't able to stay by herself anymore.

I'd think long and hard about doing that to my kids - no one knows except those that go through it, how much worry and sleepless nights are caused by sheer cussed stubbornness.

Personally DH and I have decided that if we get to that point, we will either hire someone to live in or go to an assisted care facility that accepts couples (if we are both still alive at that point). I don't want my kids to go through all the worry that I have gone through over the last three years.


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## fordy

sidepasser said:


> For all those that insist they are going to stay put, how much worry are you going to cause your family before they insist that you move in with them or go to a nursing home?
> 
> I am dealing with this with my mom. She is subject to falling and has broken her ankle in a fall last year. I spend hours driving back and forth each month to make sure she is still living as she refuses to answer the phone if she "doesn't feel like it". I have invited her to live with me and she doesn't want to leave her farm. I have suggested having someone stay with her and she "don't want no strangers in her house".
> 
> So I figure one of these weekends I am going to arrive and she will be lying in the yard face down dead. I have spent the last three years worrying that something is going to happen to her and for what? Because she stubbornly insists on staying where she is, even though she really isn't able to stay by herself anymore.
> 
> I'd think long and hard about doing that to my kids - no one knows except those that go through it, how much worry and sleepless nights are caused by sheer cussed stubbornness.
> 
> Personally DH and I have decided that if we get to that point, we will either hire someone to live in or go to an assisted care facility that accepts couples (if we are both still alive at that point). I don't want my kids to go through all the worry that I have gone through over the last three years.


.............I'd secretly interview her immediate neighbors , then run background checks on them(if necessary) , then enlighten them as to your problem and a Plan for them to 'become' a little more neighborly whereby they start dropping by , making phone calls , etc . My guess is that they will help you out without any compensation , as they would want you doing the same for them . Doesn't hurt to try ! , fordy


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## sidepasser

Fordy, we know the neighbors well, there are only two of them - one on each side of the farm and both have lived there for as long as my mom (over 30 years).

She really don't want anyone bothering her or checking up on her. What she wants is for me to move back and live with her. I cant' do that as I would be instantly unemployed and no insurance, no income, nothing. that is why I moved away, there are no jobs there other than fast food and low income service jobs like Walmart. 

Most of the high paying jobs closed down over the last three-four years. Great place to retire, lousy place to live if you aren't independently wealthy as the cost of living is a "resort type". 

So I would advise to have some sort of plan for when you can't live alone anymore..either have the money to hire someone or a kid that wants you to live with them or arrange for assisted living. Otherwise, it is just a lot of worry to put on the remaining family.


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## fordy

sidepasser said:


> Fordy, we know the neighbors well, there are only two of them - one on each side of the farm and both have lived there for as long as my mom (over 30 years).
> 
> She really don't want anyone bothering her or checking up on her. What she wants is for me to move back and live with her. I cant' do that as I would be instantly unemployed and no insurance, no income, nothing. that is why I moved away, there are no jobs there other than fast food and low income service jobs like Walmart.
> 
> Most of the high paying jobs closed down over the last three-four years. Great place to retire, lousy place to live if you aren't independently wealthy as the cost of living is a "resort type".
> 
> So I would advise to have some sort of plan for when you can't live alone anymore..either have the money to hire someone or a kid that wants you to live with them or arrange for assisted living. Otherwise, it is just a lot of worry to put on the remaining family.


..............She has put you in an untenable situation with no solution , Unless she changes her attitude . , fordy


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## Micheal

I wasn't going to post to this thread again, but the exchange between sidepasser and fordy sorta shined a light on something. Something that I lived through while my father was around and that now I'm sorta approaching as I age.
Let me start by saying it is a lot easier to say "I will ______" then it is to get someone to obey a "you should ______".
Whatever, be it move to an apartment, move in with someone, have someone "check-up/keep an eye" on, etc. 
Something some fail to remember that you are telling an individual - hey you're old, its no big thing just give up your independence, or infer that I know what's good for you cause you obviously don't.

A sentence or so I refered to my father; with him the wife and I learned that anything that had the words "should or have to" attached to it was a no starter and dead before we could finish that sentence. Although by saying - hey what do you think about ____ and then maybe discussing it (or not) we got a lot farther. True it may be a month or 3 but at some point my father would say "ya know I've been thinking about ____ and........" 

As to me, as I age I'm beginning to think that its getting time to think about; things..... Of course the wife and daughter think I'll go on forever but.........

So please cast no stones, this is just a person's view who has been there and now startin to be doin that.


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## sidepasser

Michael, no one knows better than me not to tell my mom "you should, you need to, you ought to" lol..

I have asked her to think about moving in, I have gotten her to spend a week at my house which she told all the remaining relatives that she had a wonderful time and liked where I live, but at the end of the week, she was going home...

basically as Fordy said, I am in an untenable situation, and I fear that won't change until mom falls and breaks a hip, or some other equally awful thing and I have to put her in assisted living or a nursing home. There is no way I can manage her if she gets down and can't get up as she weighs twice what I do. I could not lift her or anything like that.

I have been trying to get her to move in with me BEFORE something like that happens so she would have a better chance at being on her feet for far longer. Plus she would not have that worry on her about taking care of the farm and two rental properties (which is where all her retirement money is going). 

But she won't hear of it and keeps putting it off and so there ya go. One day I am likely to be posting that I found my mom in severe trouble at the farm..or worse. It is not something I look forward to.

And other folks complain that there kids don't want them....

I really hope those here will think about the situation I have and do something to prevent the same from being placed on their families. It is better to be prepared than to have to accept whatever happens because you leave no options open.


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## Melissa

We have helped our oldest daughter and son-in-law build a house on our property. Our plan is to help the other children do the same thing. The girls all say they will never let us go to a nursing home. I would not be against that if I am completely disabled and it is too hard on them, but they are pretty insistent. You really never know what could happen...


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## suitcase_sally

TnAndy said:


> I'll always keep one bullet in a pistol she knows nothing about.


I'm not into pain. I'll have a helium tank and a garbage bag...


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## suitcase_sally

MelonBar said:


> How about this idea. If they are the right people, you make up a contract that in return for taking care of your in your old age they will receive the farm.


 
I hate to sound like a cynic, but I watch a lot of the "Murder & Mayhem" channel and I see occasionally where people are murdered in order to get the family business (or farm). If you do this sort of arrangement, I wouldn't let them know they are in the will.


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## MorrisonCorner

Nobody is going to want to hear this, but I had a conversation with my doctor about aging. It is his opinion that we're just seeing the tip of the iceberg when it comes to senior suicides. Elderly women in particular are "overdosing" on prescription pain pills "by accident" because they "don't realize" what they're doing. It's his opinion that a good many of these "accidents" aren't. That the boomer generation in particular is going to assert their right to live, and die, the way they want to. Which for women may mean opting not to live beyond a certain level of disability.

There's a book put out by Harvard Press which looks at suicide in the late 18th century. Suicide became a huge debate between the right of the individual to make personal choices, and what was good (and moral) for the new nation. At the time romance fiction made much of the poor (always female) virtuous heroine who, having fallen from grace tempted by the Evil Rake, in her distress and humiliation, committed suicide. These stories were so prevalent there's a bridge in my community with just such a legend attached to it, letter perfect.. young woman runs away to meet lover on bridge, lover doesn't show to take her away to make an honest woman of her, she hangs herself on the bridge. Huge debate, massive, much ink and pulpit time, devoted to discussing whether or not suicide was an acceptable choice. 

Because prior to the late 18th century suicide was an acceptable choice. Women deliberately starved themselves to feed their children, or committed suicide so the children might survive. Children were routinely killed during the medieval period, babies left out in the elements or children abandoned (remember "Hansel and Grettle?"). Self murder, or murder by abandonment, was seen as a reasonable recourse when things became desperate.

It is a luxury to be able to talk about suicide as a "bad choice." Because for thousands of years of human history it has either been the only choice, or a reasonable alternative to save the rest of the family.

It's my doctor's opinion that the suicide rate among seniors is going to start climbing, and keep climbing, in part because medical science can keep people alive much longer than they want to be. So if the option is go to the hospital and spend months lingering on life support, or don't go... he thinks increasingly people will choose not to go, or choose to take deliberate steps to terminate their ongoing relationship with life.


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## machinist

My wife and I are both age 67, myself in good general health (a bit of arthritis, low blood pressure, not as active as I once was, good cholesterol numbers, etc.), but my wife has Multiple Sclerosis. She has fought that successfully (by staying far away from doctors and using nutritional supplements) for the past 35 years and retired from her day job at 62. She is still mobile and very functional in all ways, but gradually having more problems. 

Our homestead is just one acre, but is very intensively "farmed", with 4 gardens, chickens, orchard, metal shop (once was commercial), and too much house. The time will come that my wife will need a lot of care and I won't want to face the challenges of keeping this place going, so I am working on an alternative. 

Our daughter said she wants to have us close enough in our old age that she can watch us to make sure we don't wander off into the woods and get lost. She and her husband have acreage where we plan to put an RV trailer, covered by a "shelter house" style roof and hooked up, ready to live in. So, when the day comes that we aren't able to handle things here for any reason, there is another way. 

We raised our kids on 45 acres with livestock, crops, gardens, logging and wood heat. They learned how it works and we learned that it is for younger people than we are now, although we love the lifestyle. So, we have this option of being in the country, yet not alone. 

We can sell our place for whatever it brings and not have to worry much about money. I agreed with my Dad when he said he did not want to die in a hospital hooked up to a bunch of tubes and wires. He spent his last years fishing or just taking it easy around home, which sounds fine to me. There will be room for me to have a garden and there is a huge forest to play in, plus our kids' activity for interest and entertainment. Less demands for me this way so I have time to care for my wife as she needs it. 

No nursing homes for us.


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