# Novel Preview Up for Your Feedback!



## th_Wolverine (Apr 15, 2013)

Hey all, If you have a few minutes I'd love for your feedback on a book I've been working hard at for the last three years. The link below is for the sample excerpt, which is the first chapter. I'd love to know what you think!

-Phil

https://www.createspace.com/Preview/1166121


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

The bickering of the two girls is close to home. They love each other, but&#8230; It gives the reader an idea of the age of the girls. You could actually omit the hair brushing scene and put their relationship into the mead hall. You are a good writer and I would like to read more of your story. Now to my helpful hints.

Since they party in a mead hall I&#8217;m assuming Scandanavia, but could be British Isles. Where are they?

A couple of things. Paige is a &#8216;young servant&#8217; and a boy. I don&#8217;t think it would be used for a princess in that time period. The daughter of a king or queen is a princess, or the daughter of the crown prince. The daughter of a chieftain is not a princess. Also, buffalo? If this is taking place in the British Isles or Scandanavia, they did not have bison. Although since this is fantasy, perhaps they transport themselves to the Caucus. And you should call them buffalo or bison, not both. Technically, moccasins are a footwear of Americans, in Europe they would have been called something else.

_ Paige tried to lose the shouting Sauidens trailing her 
like a pack of hounds on a fox. _ take out &#8220;like a pack of hounds on a fox&#8221;. Overdone. And I&#8217;m not sure these people engaged in fox hunting with packs.

_Stealthily grabbing a nearby vine&#8230; _ Omit stealthily. Just grab it.

_She didn't wait to welcome them. Bolting into 
the forest, she didn&#8217;t wait to see that_ You used &#8216;wait&#8217; twice. Don&#8217;t. She sees the soldiers and bolts. The action is fast, don&#8217;t slow it down with commentary, though you can do that if the action is slow.


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## th_Wolverine (Apr 15, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback! This is actually a fanciful epic, supposed to be similar to Narnia, Lord of the Rings, etc, but all your comments make sense to me such great tips!


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

I actually would not open with her on the run, then back track to earlier in the day. If you want to start with her on the run (not bad, jump right into the story) let us find out about her from this action point. We can initially find out how old she is, that she had already dressed in leggings, and that she is worried about her sister. We can find out whose daughter she is as the hero finds out.

If the mead hall festivities is important, and it does present the time frame, then begin there, embellishing a bit to give us more information since the hair brushing scene is omitted.


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## th_Wolverine (Apr 15, 2013)

Good to know I appreciate it! I'll keep revising it a bit, see what I can do!


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## beegrowing (Apr 1, 2014)

Since Maura didn't know it was a fantasy world, I only agree about needing to know what the setting is. AND the thing about princess and chief. Elven "Kings"are understood in literature....does this chief defer to higher ups? So is it a situation of more like a "Noble" or "Duke"? If their kingdom is separate from all others,"king" might work instead of chief". Just a slight phrase like " in her world" or something would help a lot for the overall setting at the bginning. You also use "forest" and "jungle" almost back to back and they really give people different ideas...jungle is Tropical....."Forest" isn't thought of the same.I didn't mind establishing the sisters rapport with the hair brushing scene. I didn't mind her attempt to be "stealthy" with the vine.One thing that gave me pause was a "hog" roasting. Are they Farmers? If they are wilderness hunters "boar" would fit better.
Overall I found it very interesting and since I've read hundreds of Fantasy books I think it's a great start!!! I'd buy it to find out what happens for sure! The pace got me interested really fast!


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## th_Wolverine (Apr 15, 2013)

Great catch Bee growing, this is why I like to get feedback, because stuff like that can annoy me to know end when I watch a movie or catch it in a book, so I'm paranoid about it in my own works!


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## Heritagefarm (Feb 21, 2010)

I'm still reading the preview, but so far it sounds good, and like something I might read. I'm a big fan of Brandon Sanderson, Robert Jordan, and Tolkien. Also CS Lewis, JK Rowling (who isn't?), and others, so big fantasy nerd. 
Oh, and one thing that really bugs me, and I'm sure you're aware of this, is ending quotations. To end them, "You need to punctuate like this." Period or comma, followed by quotation. 
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I'd like to see you succeed. I'm currently enrolled in a creative writing course, and the workshops require me to be quite blunt. Thus, I'm not criticizing you so much as critiquing. I like the style of writ, however. Another suggestion I have is to try more blocking (that's what it's called in my course). I'd like more descriptions at the beginning - it seems like they're in treehouses, but I think I little bit more clarification there would be helpful. Maybe it missed it, though. I think this story could go a long ways.
Another suggestion I have is that, for this brief chapter, I've got absolutely no idea what's going on. The idea is there, and it's very solid, but it needs fleshing out. Maybe you've done this in the next chapter, I don't know. But the soldiers burst in, and there's a little bit of action for the sake of action. Now, personally I don't actually mind that, and a good fantasy novel basically requires some horrific event somewhere, and I could really feel it. I really wanted the main character to get to safety, so good job! But who where the Imperials? Why were they there, was there anything they could possibly want? Again, you may have answered that later, but there needs to be some connection between the elves(?) and the soldiers that could cause them to be so brutal. I've been reminded several times that characters and people never just _kill_, they have reasons. I've had to amend several of my own highly sociopathic characters...
And I just realized how old this thread is. Um, well, you may have it published by now for all I know. Let me know if you have - I'd love to buy it. Maybe also you could shoot some hints my way - I've got a novel I'm working on myself, also a fantasy epic.
HF


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## th_Wolverine (Apr 15, 2013)

Heritagefarm said:


> I'm still reading the preview, but so far it sounds good, and like something I might read. I'm a big fan of Brandon Sanderson, Robert Jordan, and Tolkien. Also CS Lewis, JK Rowling (who isn't?), and others, so big fantasy nerd.
> Oh, and one thing that really bugs me, and I'm sure you're aware of this, is ending quotations. To end them, "You need to punctuate like this." Period or comma, followed by quotation.
> I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I'd like to see you succeed. I'm currently enrolled in a creative writing course, and the workshops require me to be quite blunt. Thus, I'm not criticizing you so much as critiquing. I like the style of writ, however. Another suggestion I have is to try more blocking (that's what it's called in my course). I'd like more descriptions at the beginning - it seems like they're in treehouses, but I think I little bit more clarification there would be helpful. Maybe it missed it, though. I think this story could go a long ways.
> Another suggestion I have is that, for this brief chapter, I've got absolutely no idea what's going on. The idea is there, and it's very solid, but it needs fleshing out. Maybe you've done this in the next chapter, I don't know. But the soldiers burst in, and there's a little bit of action for the sake of action. Now, personally I don't actually mind that, and a good fantasy novel basically requires some horrific event somewhere, and I could really feel it. I really wanted the main character to get to safety, so good job! But who where the Imperials? Why were they there, was there anything they could possibly want? Again, you may have answered that later, but there needs to be some connection between the elves(?) and the soldiers that could cause them to be so brutal. I've been reminded several times that characters and people never just _kill_, they have reasons. I've had to amend several of my own highly sociopathic characters...
> ...


HF, don't worry I've been super busy till just the last 4 months and I'm in the process of pushing for self publication now. All the advice on this thread was swallowed up and I'm proud to announce the story has evolved into a much better beginning chapter thanks to the several late nights around a kitchen table with my editor shredding the first draft of the novel. I'm on draft 2 of what I perceive will be 4 total drafts (which includes a copy edit) and then I will be launching a Kickstarter campaign to self publish!

As soon as I finish the process I for sure will hit you up and see if anything I learned in the actual publishing process can be of any use to you!


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## Heritagefarm (Feb 21, 2010)

th_Wolverine said:


> HF, don't worry I've been super busy till just the last 4 months and I'm in the process of pushing for self publication now. All the advice on this thread was swallowed up and I'm proud to announce the story has evolved into a much better beginning chapter thanks to the several late nights around a kitchen table with my editor shredding the first draft of the novel. I'm on draft 2 of what I perceive will be 4 total drafts (which includes a copy edit) and then I will be launching a Kickstarter campaign to self publish!
> 
> As soon as I finish the process I for sure will hit you up and see if anything I learned in the actual publishing process can be of any use to you!


Thanks, that would be much appreciated. I'm sure it feels exciting to get published. I'll probably buy your book when it comes out.


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

Are you going to e-publish? If you paper self publish it is very hard to get a distributor.

Also, I&#8217;d like to read the revision.


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## th_Wolverine (Apr 15, 2013)

Maura, I am doing both a Kindle version and a print-on-demand printing option. For now all my distribution will be online , maybe if it takes off I'll try and get it in the stores but for right now POD is the best option for me. 
I'll post it as soon as I get it back from the editor!


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

So are you writing a sequel?


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## th_Wolverine (Apr 15, 2013)

Maura said:


> So are you writing a sequel?


I am planning on it, I'm setting it up to be a 4 part saga and leaving a portion of it open for several smaller spin-off novels in the same world. At least thats the plan currently


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## Maura (Jun 6, 2004)

With that plan I would look for an agent. It&#8217;s free to look, and then a publisher will do all the work for you.


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