# Thoughts on Moving In With Retired Parents



## HillBettyMama (Aug 29, 2015)

So yesterday my mom asked if my kids and I would like to move in with her. I'm not really sure what to think of this. As my kids and I have fallen into hard times over the past year now that I have lost my fiancÃ©. Basically we went from almost owning a small farm that was our primary source of not quite enough income, we both worked part time off the farm. So on one hand I am thinking she feels sorry for us, but I don't want to seem like a burden to her. 
On the other hand she is in her mid sixties, hard of hearing, and getting increasingly forgetful. So perhaps she is asking us to move in to be help around the house but is too stubborn to say so, the last time I visited i spent nearly the whole stay cleaning up horder oike clutter (and no I dont mean preps). If thats the case am thinking if we were to move in it would be a permanent thing instead of till I get back on my feet. She retired outside of Sedona Arizona which is zone 8 but amazingly arid! I'm not to sure about the economy there so I would most likely just find a part time local job or another online contract since my current one just came to an end last month. 
So for those of you who are retired, do you have your children and or grand children living with you? I really want to be blunt and just ask her if she needs help or if she is trying to help me out but my mom, like I, is so stubborn she would never strait up ask me to come out to help with house cleaning and yard work etc. Either way what are your opinions?


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## emdeengee (Apr 20, 2010)

Why can't it be for both reasons? Your Mom wants to help you and she sees that she needs help. 

And yes it may turn out to be more permanent than you anticipated but if you move to her area and settle there then even if you get your own place you can try to find one close to her. If her health deteriorates a lot then you may end up having to find alternate accommodation and support for her anyways.

The most important question to ask yourself is how do I (and my kids) get along with Mom now while she is in relatively good health - because if you don`t get along now then it will probably not get better in the future. And you have to set out financial and home care responsibilities especially as this is your Mom`s home.

My Mom lived with us and it worked very well but then again we always got along wonderfully well. On the other hand my best friend has her mother living with her and is having a terrible time. But they never got along well and age does not change character.


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## mnn2501 (Apr 2, 2008)

Don't know much about your situation but if you've got a farm, how about her moving in with you?


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## Shrek (May 1, 2002)

I remember when my mother wanted us to move to the guest house on the farm to help them.

My father and I discussed the pros and cons and agreed it would be better for me to find a place close enough to be of help to them but also out of as my father called it "shoulder fired missile or bazooka range as a mother or mother in law's rage had about the same range of attack".

Over two decades later, my father is passed and my mother and I still have our own 20 acre + places a safe distance apart.


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## gibbsgirl (May 1, 2013)

My dad has been with us/we've been with him since my mom died in 2004. Technically, he now lives in a fifth wheel trailer instead of in the same house as us. But, it's parked at my place for quite a lot of the year.

I know talking straight and being blunt for lack of a better word can be difficult. But, in order for living together to work out well, you both really have to be willing to do that. Maybe, you just need to take the initiative to begin those talks when needed?

It can work. But, it can also be a bust. You'll be sharing expenses, kitchen, chores, all kinds of your lives being together.

It can be wonderful, but it really helps, in my experience, to have your eyes open and be able to revisit things as they come up to keep everyone's needs respected and being met.

I'm usually the one in our house that has to get the talks going. But, my husband and dad are both willing to participate and sort stuff out, they just don't tend to bring stuff up first.

I hope it works out. Sounds like you both recognize it might be a great decision for you two and the kiddos, so that's a start!


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## HillBettyMama (Aug 29, 2015)

emdeengee said:


> Why can't it be for both reasons? Your Mom wants to help you and she sees that she needs help.
> 
> And yes it may turn out to be more permanent than you anticipated but if you move to her area and settle there then even if you get your own place you can try to find one close to her. If her health deteriorates a lot then you may end up having to find alternate accommodation and support for her anyways.
> 
> ...


I am delighted with your response because I truly think it is for both reasons since we're both pig headed and won't ask anyone for help unless it's the most dire of circumstances. I lost my fiancÃ© and farm last spring and have lived in n apartment in the city since then. We have a nice apartment, we eat from the health food store, I am able to homeschool.mSo our lives are nice despite being frugal and in a city. However I am not a city gal, I moved here for a short term job then found an online contract as a website evaluator. as of right now I can not afford moving and renting a news place, but to be honest unless I find another job soon I only have three months secured here.
I have worked in home health in the past so I somewhat know what to expect when her health deteriorates. I know she needs help with basic housework as well as counteracting her hoarding. Her forgetfulness is. My main concern, she will call me and ask for my siblings, she will talk about a cat or dog that died years ago when she is actually referring to her current pets. 
We get along great and always have, even if I hadn't visited for a year or two when we would reunite it would be days of baking and bantering. The only time we ever had any friction was an argument about spanking kids since mine are not spanked. It is possible she would forget our diatribe and attempt to discipline my children if they got out of line.
My biggest concern is the actual area she lives in. It is a hot arid region with no hopes of homesteading in my eyes. She has plenty of land and the only thing she has ask me for help with is fencing her acrage since she doesn't want to hire anyone to do it and I have put up bar wire and stock fence in the past without too much error.
Okay that was a bit more thorough of a response than I had intended! I suppose my main concern is a bit of a selfish one, if I were to remain there my dreams of homesteading in a non desert area are gone...


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## where I want to (Oct 28, 2008)

All fair issues to discuss. Discussion will at least clarify what you both expect, what you both are willing and unwilling to do. Without it, either one might be talking about way different things that it woukd be bad to discover after you make a decsion either way.


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## CountryMom22 (Nov 27, 2014)

Growing up, my mother's father and my father's mother lived with us for many years. There was some friction for my mother as she was the one home with them all day. Then when my mother went back to work, my grandmother stepped in and helped with having dinner ready. We four kids were always lucky to not have to come home to an empty house. As my grandparents aged, helping to care for them was a shared responsibility and one that we kids took seriously. We benefitted tremendously by having them live with us even though we had a very small house and were struggling financially.

That being said, my husband and I have already discussed what will happen as our parents get older. Both sets are divorced and 2 of the 4 have remarried. We are agreed that we could take in my mother easily. She has stayed with us for extended periods, think months here, while I had numerous surgeries and recovered. I think, because she went through having her mil live with us, she knows the pros and cons better than someone who hasn't been down this road. On the other hand, my MIL would drive us all, including my husband, her son, crazy. She is very demanding and opinionated and doesn't think about anyone else's feelings or needs. It's always about ME,ME, ME with her. Even now. My husband knows that my father in law is not welcomed to live here. He is on his third marriage which doesn't look like it will last much longer. He has never tried to help himself, or care for himself. He just wants something for nothing. He doesn't like kids, not even his own grandkids. Living with him would be miserable. I've told my husband that if he ever moved in here, the kids and I were leaving the same day. I know that sounds harsh, and as someone who was raised to step up and help out, this kills me. But I would be arrested for murder if we allowed him to live here. Really. Even my husband said he would not let him live here, no matter what. My father is not really thought of in this light because he wife is my age and would make any necessary arrangements for him, of course consulting us, his children. We have an excellent relationship with my family but very little to do with my husbands, by their choice as well as ours.

We know that caring for my in laws will fall on our shoulders, to some degree, eventually, because my BIL wants nothing to do with his parents at all, and doesn't live close enough to be forced/guilted into helping. But I/we don't foresee ever being able to live with them.

This just goes to show that the individual personalities are really more important than the area or zone that you live in. If you didn't move to this arid area, how much homesteading can you do in the apartment that you're in now? You may not be getting the farm that you want, but you could maybe learn a new way of homesteading, while helping your Mom, yourself and your kids. Try looking at this as a once in a lifetime opportunity, as long as you all get along.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck with whatever you decide. Sorry for the long post, but this is something that I feel strongly about, having been on both sides.


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## doozie (May 21, 2005)

For me, no matter how much I got along with anyone, I would need my privacy. By that I mean a possible seperate entrance, or a seperate living room area, to get away from things, for my family especially if I had kids. I could possibly share a kitchen, and would like my own family bathroom. I guess it would depend on the lay out of the house for me. 
I would go on a trial run visit if possible, and see how it worked out for a month before I committed to anything permanant. ( I am set in my ways, and know myself, that certain things would probably aggravate me to no end)


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## HillBettyMama (Aug 29, 2015)

Country mom, I have visited my mom in the past with my kids and aside form the argument over discipline everything was basically good. Our personalities are very similar, we are both fairly laid back and accepting of one another. I agree it is a once in a lifetime opportunitya, not just for myself but for my children and mom as well. I barly knew my grandmother so I think it would be a good opportunity for my children to bond. 

Doozie, her house is rediculously huge for one little old lady which gives her plenty of room to hoard and store stuff she does not need. She moved in after retiring and I visited once, my kids an I stayed downstairs and unless she stood at the steps hollering and the downstairs doors were open I didn't hear her. However there is a possibility of turning the laundry room into a kitchen/ laundry room because of the sink and ventilation, if I wanted to cook alone. 

I guess I still have some thinking to do and some research on arid gardening etc...


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## kasilofhome (Feb 10, 2005)

Hill, in the 80' all of us children started our lives away. Mom was living in what we called the white elephant. 

Two kitchen, six baths, two living rooms, a conference/meeting room plus offices and bedrooms and a full basement..it was too much for her... she was proud we were on our own feet and never wanted to burden us.

Two of us were not going to be able to adapt our lives... one could and he was struggling to afford housing by working and med school.

I talked with him. If he had a car he could commute with out a car he had to live close. He really needed a car besides that.

So, I told him if he asked mom to move back I would give him a car 
Next, I ask mom if shelling out money to maintain the house was her dream..
Well it wasn't.

I asked her if she had thought of x moving back he could retake on his old house choirs in lieu of rent. 

He could use the help and she could use the help.

In the end he got the car, lived with mom ....mom paid for his gas and when he married and the three children came their was childcare and a grandmother. My mom took care of my sister in law thru one scary pregnancy. My brother and sil took care of her thru her illness and death.

That house is now my brothers 2015. Note prior to mom's death. X took on the total house maintenance.. New roof, Windows, foundation work, well redug... so it all went as planned in the 80s.


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## Wolf mom (Mar 8, 2005)

Gardening in Yavapai and Coconino county is not hard and some areas are not that arid. I believe Coconino county has metered wells. I used to live in Navajo County that's in the middle of a long term drought and learned that if you mulch deep (pine needles do fine) it really helps. Your soil is also just as important and may need work. 
Does your Mom have a well? 
You can raise chickens, rabbits and other animals if your Mom has enough land. Rabbit poo is great for gardens.
It looks to me as if you have little to loose and much to gain by living with her. You are already in a situation that you want to change, so if you try it and it doesn't work out, you can go back to the city again. Doesn't look to me like you will have lost much and possibly gained a lot of experience.


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## painterswife (Jun 7, 2004)

I grew up in a home where the grandparents were part of the household. Now my brother and his family live in my mothers home. It works for both of them. He gets to live in a neighborhood that would be hard to afford to buy into for anyone but the rich. She gets to stay in her home and we all know that she will be cared for if need be.

It is not easy to combine lives but if you work hard at it the rewards will be far bigger than the downside.


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## sisterpine (May 9, 2004)

My DD lives with me and is an amazing source of help and motivation. I had my concerns in the beginning but we were able to speak frankly about our concerns and that made a huge difference. I am concerned that you think both you and your mom are too stubborn to have a frank discussion about future needs. Otherwise I believe in my heart that family is meant to be with family.


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## Forcast (Apr 15, 2014)

I did the move to help parents twice, I'm glad I dont ever have to do it again, Both mom and Dad have passed. it was not good. Have them move in with YOU. If you move in with THEM its mom and dads rules just like when you were a teenager. And if you have kids it adds to the unpleasantness 100%. If income is a problem for your parents and you are expected to cover the bills when living with them think hard about it. I lost my shirt carrying for Mom.


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## frogmammy (Dec 8, 2004)

Speaking as one of those self-sufficient old women who will NOT ask for help....

If your mom says she "needs a little help every now and then", she likely needs more than a little, just doesn't want to bother/depend on you. She realizes she needs help, just doesn't want to ask.

Go for it. At worst, it will be a longer than usual vacation. At best, you sharing a house, or having your OWN house very close.

Your life is just starting, you have time. Her life is closing, time is limited. Just enjoy what you have.

Mon


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